#i feel that i'd be only lying to myself if i believe they were hooking up irl

[mulderiloveyou]

giving myself a little healthy gillovny moment - okay.

when was season 5 filmed (month/year)? does anyone knows?

i just want to know if DD knew TL by the time GG'97 with GA happened.

GA said that they were filming max (4x18 - aired 03/23/97) when DD told her about TL

also GG'97 was around the time memento mori (4x15) aired

it look about 9 episodes for david to marry TL after he was holding hands kissing (allegedly) GA at GG97. ok 3 months.

they couldn't (i mean yes) have been messing around (GA/DD) frfr at the time of the GG97 *IF* DD started going out w TL while filming max

max aired a month later after GG97 - and the production code is 4x18 . which means one of the last episodes to film BUT ! productions take a week and half sometimes, apparently x files took 8 days 2 film 1 ep. 6 weeks from max to gethsemane (a month, maybe a month/half)

what am i doing here im just rambling

what i need to know is when was max filmed okay bye

[gh0st-3]

Werk! Werk! Werk!

Since my last post felt like was a downer, I wanted something more positive to share!

I've always dreamed of traveling the world since as a kid because I was inspired by books and movies. Naive, I know BUT I also like learning about other cultures and in my opinion, the best way to go about it is through their food!

I'm pretty sensitive to food, BUT I'm happy to have passed the hurdle of dealing with my relationship to food because I was bulimic in my teens. At 14 and in the US, during my time, you were seen to be "hot" if you're as skinny as Eugenia Cooney (in my highschool), thankfully there weren't that many other students who had anorexia or bulimia (at most there were 4 of us, but it was a small high school too). As a young teen who just migrated from the Philippines, I was trying too hard to fit in and in the end it only bit me back in the ass.

Years of therapies later and trying to establish a healthy relationship with food was like dragging myself through a desert with a teeny water canteen. There were days I felt like relapsing but having even just 1 person to support you through that journey or rather cared about you has made the journey bearable but the reward in the end, made it worth it to seek and accept help.

For me the hardest part is asking for help. If you were raised similarly like me (looking at you people pleasers!), you just feel like the only person you can truly depend on is yourself while wanting for most people to see you as dependable. Whether you fear or hate being let down or being a 'nuisance' to others, we're not invincible for help, nobody's superhuman to not receiving help, especially when we're working on ourselves. Who says its easy to work on yourself? If they did, they're either lying or out of touch with reality because the only few people who have said that are

A) people who believed that adopting new lifestyles meant it will change who they truly are so that new lifestyle will be their new personality of the year.

or

B) people who were born with a silver spoon and are still continually supported by their parents well into their 30s that they have no concept of bills. I'm not saying these latter can't have their share of struggles but there are ones who do want to make their struggles as everyone's issues as well for them to act like everyone else's advocate rather than just for themselves.

Now I'm nearing my 30s, I feel more optimistic since there is some truth to a saying that "you attract what you give", having worked myself for years to a decade, I have my own family now; albeit we like to call ourselves a family of 'misfits' since we're like a Throple (? it's like a couple but with 3 people). I have to hide them but now you know! Well only you peeps reading my diary blogs because I feel like I will just be slut-shamed for "hoarding these guys" when half of the time I call them bonobos or apes while they tease me if I'm growing my reverse-harem (Yea I had a time when I was hooked with Otome games).

Genuinely though, I never once thought I'd be in this kind of relationship since I didn't start dating till my senior year in high school and the guy I went out with another student from another school an hour way but same state; we just met on an online game and I didn't want to count the groomers online that took pity since looking back, it was messed up with those online folks. However, for the longest time, I had the "ugly duck" mentality since the kids in my school thought I was ugly and even my aunts and birth giver told me that I should count myself "lucky" for inheriting their "wide birthing hips" so in college, people called me hourglass even though I still think I'm a pear or round. Yes, my teen pea brained thought I could fit in with the girls with rectangular and petite bodies because they were always talked about but boy did I regret being their friends because I was the "designated ugly friend" (in their own words).

I used to or probably am still the "unpopular" girl who for the most part nobody even noticed unless they want to pull a prank or thought of as "weird".

Nearing my 30s, I haven't been called weird since high school when I was trying too hard to fit in, now its "quirky" even when I'm not trying anymore to be well-liked by most people. They take what they see of me!

TLDR: Worked through my issues, even though I still have some, it didn't deny me from being where I am now. Started a cult .. or harem?

I solemnly swear I'm not hoarding guys. I admit that I got jobs just so I can have my alone time from my apartment.. and also extra money for family vacations!

[manateeteaparty]

At my therapist appointment today, she suggested I write a journal entry like I usually do- but encouraged me to write a letter to my ex as a way of being therapeutic. I explained to her I don't feel comfortable with that. She said I don't have to give it to him- just write out my thoughts and what I would say if I was given the opportunity. So even though he'll never see this, it still helps getting my thoughts out instead of keeping everything inside. I want to write it both as an entry and a letter though, cause that feels more natural. Whatever. Here goes.

~I've been doing so well. I've been seeing a therapist and have been making progress on feeling happy again. Healing my wounds. Accepting things. Trying to love myself. Starting to feel normal. Starting to actually laugh and smile again, something I never thought would happen. I've been moving on.

And then my ex texted me out of the blue two days ago. I didn't expect it at all. I had fully come to accept the fact that I would never hear from him again- and I was okay with that. Life without him was starting to get easier. I was thinking about him less and less. I have slowly fallen out of love with him. He wrote in his text how 'he was sorry he took so long to respond to me, he felt overwhelmed and guilty with life knowing he couldn't see me because of how busy he was. That he has a new girlfriend. That if I still want to see him, maybe it will work out in a week or two. Maybe.' At first I was fine. Very surprised. I wrote him back and told him that I am not expecting anything from him and that I felt hurt because all summer I felt as if he had been lying to me instead of just honestly telling me the truth- if he doesn't want to see me, just say so. He wrote back:

"I want to as well but I also in a way feel bad hanging out with you when you still have feelings for me. I just feel like I'll be leading you on or something or maybe send you the wrong signal or idea. I just don't want you to stay hooked on me because we hung out too soon because I believe that it'll just keep hurting you."

That rubbed me the wrong way. And over the weekend, re-reading the messages, it's really pissed me off. Dude, cant you see? I dont love you anymore. I lost you and my entire world was flipped upside down. Yet the entire world kept turning as if nothing changed, and I was expected to smile and act as if everything was how it was meant to be. I felt homesick for a home I could no longer visit. I got so fucking sick, having panic attacks all summer and they only got worse, to the point where they would last all day and it took a huge toll on my health and my heart. I had to take time off work and almost lost my job. I was so scared, I could actually feel the muscle of my heart getting weaker every day from so much rapid beating and working overtime. I started losing my ability to breathe well because I could only produce short, quick bursts. I was terrified and scared and wanted my best friend. Being in your presence always made my anxiety fade. You have no idea how fucking terrified I was. It took so much for me to swallow my fear of bothering you to reach out to you and ask for help. I told myself "It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me anymore- he was my best friend, he was my partner. He still cares deep down. If he ever called me and needed something, or was feeling down, I'd be there for him." I messaged you and asked if you could please, please meet with me for just five minutes, I was literally begging you to see me, anything to help me try and overcome the intense physical pain and panic I was feeling. I wanted to hear you tell me a joke, tell me a story about something fun you did over the summer, anything to take my mind off the situation. You wrote me back and were so cold and emotionless. Another 'Maybe, if I have time, idk.' That was the moment I fell out of love with you. It was like having the wind knocked out of me repeated. Realizing that someone who I had spent every single day exchanging I Love You's with for years, had so many memories with, now didn't give a single shit about me, my life or whether or not I was alive, dead, or in between. I realized you literally wouldn't even notice if I dropped off the face of the planet. It reminded me of last year before I went to the hospital, when I was afraid of what I might do and broke down and told Brennan how depressed I was and how scared I was I might do something and not be able to control it. I reached out to ask for help- something that's extremely hard for me to do without feeling like a burden-and he just walked away. After that reply from you, I drove myself to the hospital. I was diagnosed with Broken Heart Syndrome (Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy). I cried and laughed when they told me that- fucking ironic that I'm suffering from heartbreak in the most literal form while realizing you probably forget I exist half the time. You pushed me away to the point where I look forward to silence from you. I've learned to stop begging for your time and attention. The more you've ignored me, the more I've got used to being ignored. I found myself begging you for a response, clarity, respect, even basic human dignity. I took a step back and realized I was begging you for the bare minimum, and even that was asking too much of you.

Yes, I wanted nothing more than to be able to maintain a friendship with you- to be able to heal, to forgive and come out of this as better people who care and appreciate and respect each other, who are still able to support each other with none of the emotional baggage of a relationship. I wanted so much to be able to see you again, to smile and laugh with you again, to go on so many adventures, to share deep thougts with you, to see you grow into an amazing man and support you in your future relationships and be your biggest cheerleader. To tell you I'm so fucking proud of you during every turn of the road. I honestly wish you the best and will never stop caring for you. I'm so incredibly grateful for you coming into my life and the experiences we shared- I'd like to believe at one that at least some of the love I felt from you was real, because you made me feel so safe, you allowed me to feel comfortable enough to let my guard down and be vulnerable with you, and I honestly felt like you were the missing half of my soul. Being apart from you was painful and every time I would see you again, it was instant relief. Your smell was so calming and when I held you, I've never felt a love like that for anyone before. God, I loved holding you, kissing your forehead, humming to you while you fell asleep in my arms. As much as it probably was nice for you, I think I loved it more. Watching you sleep and listening to your slow breath. Tracing the lines of your face and lips with my fingers, so fucking beautiful. I was in awe that someone could be so perfect. I always felt such an overwhelming sensation of deep, pure love in those moments looking down on you asleep in my arms, it made me feel so happy to be able to comfort and protect someone so precious to me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. Actually craving someone- not just sexually, but intimately. I felt like you were a missing piece of me. Kissing you was like taking a drug. I couldnt get enough. And when you made love to me.... in those moments, I honestly believed that you loved me just as much as I loved you. That I made you happy. That as long as we truly loved each other, and were willing to be patient and communicate our needs to each other, we would last forever... but none of that matters anymore.

I know I hurt you. I know things got bad towards the end, and it wasn't easy for you. It wasn't easy for me either. I wanted to make you happy and I couldn't. It's so hard to make someone happy if I can't even make myself happy. I wanted to give you the love you deserved, and still do deserve- but it was hard to love you when I was continuously struggling to love myself. I tried, I really did. I'm still trying- but clearly what you wanted, and what I could give you, wasn't enough. I just wish I realized that months ago, or you felt that you could tell me without being afraid. And I need you to realize- every time I blocked you on social media, or did something to distance myself from you, it wasn't because I didn't want to see you. It wasn't because I ever stopped loving you- I never did. It was because in those moments I felt so untirely unlovable, so completely undeserving of happiness. And when I'm in those moments, I struggle to find the words or ways of communication. I stutter and I lose my train of thought, my mind goes blank and no matter how much I try to explain how I'm feeling, I just can't. I feel like everyone around me will benefit from me not being around. I feel like it's better if I take a step back, calm down for a moment or two, collect my thoughts and re-group, then come back when I'm able to be present and explain how I'm feeling. In those moments, I blocked you because I was removing the temptation of me reaching out to you, of being worried I'd make even more of a mess of things. It was never because I wanted to stop seeing you, or I wanted you out of my life- it was because I felt undeserving of being in yours, and I was removing myself from you temporarily so I could try and get better.

At this point, there is no way a friendship is possible between us. Maybe someday, a few years from now, things will be different. We will both be healed enough to look past the hurt, and we'll meet again, high-five each other, and say "Dude, I fucking missed you so much. Let's make plans to catch up" and actually mean it. Right now though- someone who continuously ignores me, refuses communication, refuses to respect me and is willing to sabotage years of friendship instead of trying to salvage it- I have no room in my life for someone like that. And your actions show me that I'm not worth your time, or thoughts. Maybe in another life, things are different. Maybe our love ended more gently, just like it began. In kindness and in care.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I've been so busy. Maybe I can see you in a week or two. Maybe." And then the "Oh but I'm worried to see you cause I don't want to lead you on" which he's also told me twice before. Excuse after excuse to not see me. You're seriously going to fucking sit there and expect me to believe that for four months you've just been so busy, you haven't had time to reply to a text? You've been too busy to lift a finger. Yet, you've had plenty of time to spend with your friends, various other things, and apparently date someone enough that you're now in a relationship with them? Yeah. That math doesn't match.

OK. Here's the thing. I'm a fucking adult.

If I didn't want to see you, I would say so. If I'm having a rough time mentally and don't think I'm ready for something, I'll also say so. I'm not afraid to tell you. YOU don't get to make those choices for me. I value honesty above all else and expect people to treat me with the same respect and consideration I give them. Don't lead me on. Don't lie to me. TELL me the truth. I won't be mad that you don't want me or don't want to be around me- I'll be mad because you acted like you did. The fact of the matter is, people make time for who they want to make time for. People reply to those who they want to talk to. When someone tells you they're too 'busy', it's not a reflection of their schedule, it's a reflection of your spot on their schedule. If you are trying to ask someone something really important and they continuously respond with "I don't know", "I'm not sure" or just flat out ignores you, they are purposely wasting your time and disrespecting you.

I wish he would just stop contact. Cut the cord. I don't get it. I want to scream, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! What is this fucking game? What is the point of ignoring me for weeks on end, month after month, only to text me out of the blue telling me literally the same shit every time- that you're still busy, and still don't want to see me? Thanks. I could've guessed that by the silence and lack of talking for months on end. I don't need a text to tell me the same thing I already know. I feel like I've been trying so hard. This summer has been so fucking painful and it's taken me so long to get to where I was, to finally feel comfortable, and every time I hear from him it throws me backwards to square one, and it's excruciating. All it does is force me to relive the pain and heartbreak, triggers my fear of abandonment, reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough, creates SO much self doubt, breaks all the effort I've been working on with my trust issues, leaves me with yet again a lack of closure, and makes me feel as if I'm not worthy of love. It makes me want to scream, to punch a wall, to curl into a ball and sob until I can't make a sound anymore. I just want to be able to move on and be happy again. To learn how to be me again. I miss smiling. I miss laughing. I want to feel joy again. To be able to breathe without feeling as if I'm suffocating. I just want peace.~

[vvatchword]

Realizing that you have become polarizing for literally no reason is one of the oddest experiences in the known universe. Most of my life, I've had to work on my own sense of self-importance.

"u ain't shit," I'd say to myself. "U are just like any other goofy human being. Learn a little fucking humility."

It helped that life itself joined in and started curb-stomping me. Yeah u ain't shit let me show you what you look like on the inside bitch

But after this experience i went to my best friend and said, "I have just realized i am a motherfucking genius."

"now i think you are, too," she said.

You know why learning to read is important? Because it's how we organize and collate our thoughts. And it is horrifying how very, very badly that these people read. Hell, I'm not sure I was read at all! I'm pretty sure i was added to a long and sprawling blacklist and that there are return visitors to my blog activity to harass supporters.

This whole thing has also been a learning experience. How many times have i been guilty of abandoning OP's context to ramble off on some side track that's way outside their scope? Kinda rude honestly, especially if i held them accountable for not hitting my extremely specific new direction. There's a difference between adding to a concept and yanking it into a full 180. There's also a difference between judging someone harshly for an omission or mistake and being able to look at the rest of their work and realize it was just a bobble, something they would gladly correct or modify with a spot of discussion.

There is no optimism in essayism. Or on the internet, for that matter.

I will say that it's wild how someone can just say something without any proof and bam: that is the truth now. Because it's easy to consume, because the person disagreeing with me is who people want to believe, whereas i wrote a very long and complicated and unpleasant thing in support of media already lying firmly beneath the heel of a devoted hate machine. And who wants the trouble of dealing with a harassment campaign? Don't blame people for not reblogging or commenting. No, not at all.

It also makes me think about some of my favorite essayists, all of whom have been the targets of focused harassment attempts. Man, i will miss Lindsay Ellis until the end of fucking time and i will always resent the dumb fucking bullshit that drove her away. And for what? If anything, her treatment and the general handling of the situation proves the only way to win is not to play. Nobody wanted her to win and she was never going to be given the credit of a doubt as an adult human being with a working brain.

The control of the flow of ideas: controlling who sees whose work, probably with a single sentence of unsubstantiated bullshit. I'm looking at everything differently now: why do i feel the ways i do? Where and why did i consume bullshit, hook, line, and sinker?

The only thing I would change about the BioShock essay is responding to the Lakota blogger at all. Take the one correction that mattered and go on. Because there was nothing there to debate--what they were bringing up, the reasons they said what they said, and the ways they said them was for a very good reason: it involved family and their unjust murders. So i should have granted grace in that case: should have understood that a deep and violent hatred was fucking guaranteed, and that an intelligent debate was never, ever going to happen--not because the blogger was not intelligent, but because they were furious. What's more, if said blogger were truly Lakota, i could've gotten more cultural context. If that person ever shows up around here again, I'd extend an apology for not thinking about that.

But c'est la vie. Time to take that correction into the future.

But for everything and everyone else:

[itsadamcole]

arranged

fem!reader x drew mcintyre

reader was just a regular American girl who has some royal family members in Scotland. Drew is the heir to the Scottish throne, and he needed to marry to become king. Drew and reader were married only days after they met, making reader a Scottish princess. both were against the wedding. now, the two want nothing to do with each other unless they have to attend a public event, until one night ...

word count: 3.6k

warnings: prince!drew, arguments, arranged marriage (ig that's what you can call it?), angst, a tiny bit of fluff

— this was originally gonna be one part but now it’s two bc that’s just the way the writing brought me. this was also gonna go in a completely different direction than it did but now this is it. enjoy —

part 2 || masterlist || request an imagine here

***

You're getting ready in your chambers. The maids are helping you get ready for the annual New Years Ball that the royal family of Scotland puts on every January 1st. Your long Y/H/C colored hair is being curled by one of the maids while another does your makeup. A third maid is making sure your dress and shoes are ready for you for when your hair and makeup are done.

Balls are not your thing. Actually, going out in public with your husband is not your thing. It's only a few times a week but you're not all about the fake smiles and hand-holding when you were never supposed to marry him anyway.

Being a princess was not on your list of things to be in life. You were an up and rising professional wrestler. Your great Aunt Blair asked you to come to Scotland to meet someone while you were wrestling on Ring of Honor. You had no idea that she meant that she actually volunteered you to marry the heir to the Scottish throne.

The maid doing your hair throws some little white flowers with a sparkly silver lining on the end of the petals. The maid doing your makeup has done a silver smokey eye look with some highlight, blush, and nude lipstick color.

Your nails were done earlier in the day. You got an acrylic French manicure. The nails are kind of long and oval-shaped.

"Princess," one of the maids says. "Yer dress is ready for ya when ya're."

You look at the ballgown hanging up in your large closet and sigh softly.

Once your hair and makeup are done, you get up. One of the maids grabs the dress. You take off the long, silky robe and the dress is pulled over your head. You're zipped up and the maids puff out the skirt.

The silver ball gown is very poofy with a small trail. The dress is strapless and very sparkly. The neck dips down a little bit. The top is tight and gets poofy at the waist. You put on silver heels to match the dress.

You put on silver earrings and a necklace, as well as your diamond engagement ring and silver wedding band.

There's a knock on your door as one of the maids put on a silver tiara since you are the princess of Scotland. Another one answers the door.

"Oh, yer highness," she says, bowing. "The princess is almost ready."

A male voice says, "Thank ya, Miss Arabel." Your husband, Drew, is at the door.

After some finishing touches, you're finally ready. You walk up to the door and look at Drew, who's dressed nicely in a black and white suit with a silver tie to match you. His hair in a neat ponytail on the back of his head. He's also wearing his wedding band.

"Ready?" he asks. You can hear the annoyance in his voice.

You nod and mumble, "Sure."

Drew hooks his arm with yours and the two of you head down to the ballroom.

You wait at the door with Drew's father and brother. The royal family is announced together. Drew's father, the King of Scotland, says, "Y/N, ya look stunning. Doesn't she, Drew?" He looks at his eldest son.

Drew just nods and says, "Sure, it's a little too much though."

Anger rises within you as Drew's dad signals for the door to be opened. The guard at the door opens the door and another guard yells, "Introducing the Royal Family of Scotland. The king, Andrew, Prince Drew, Princess Y/N, and Prince John."

Music plays and a fake smile forms on your lips as you follow Drew's father into the large ballroom. Most of the room is made of gold and a large chandelier hangs on the ceiling.

"The princess looks stunning."

"Look at the princess."

The comments make you blush and the fake smile turns real. Drew looks down at you without you knowing.

You and Drew mingle, talking with guests together. Drew steals occasional glances at you but you don't notice as you laugh with the guests.

Being an American, you're still learning about all the Scottish traditions. You've only been over here for a few months so everyday is a learning experience. The guests ask what you did for the holidays with Drew and his family since it's your first time in the country.

"Oh, we celebrated Christmas the way we do in America," you explain to the guests who asked. "Christmas Eve dinner, presents on Christmas morning, and Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. Drew and I also watched some Christmas movies that night. I've heard that Scotland's Christmas traditions are similar to America's."

You added the part about Drew to make it seem like you and your husband actually spent time together on Christmas. After dinner, you went off to your separate chambers and you watched Christmas movies over FaceTime with your friend who now works in NXT, Candice LeRae.

The guests are all very interested. Then the music changes and Drew asks, "M'lady, may I have this dance?"

You look up at Drew and say, "Uh, yeah. Sure." He takes your hand and you excuse yourself from the small group and walk to the dance floor with Drew.

He takes one of your hands in his and the other goes to your waist. You hold up your very poofy skirt so you don't trip.

The dance is slow at first, to make sure you don't trip. Once you're both in sync with each other and you're sure you won't trip, Drew speeds up the movements.

"Wow," Drew says. "My toes aren't bruised yet. Looks like those dance lessons 're paying off."

You stare up at Drew, who is standing tall above you at six foot five. "You're so funny, Drew," you say, rolling your eyes. "I almost peed from laughing so hard."

Drew says, "And there's the sarcasm I absolutely just love about ya."

"As if you love anything about me," you mumble to yourself.

The air turns tense and he says, "Ya could only wish that I'd love ya, or anything about this relationship."

Rolling your eyes, you say, "Maybe if you spent time with me, maybe you'd actually start liking things about this relationship. You only married me to become king when your father relinquishes the crown in a few months."

He looks around and says in a hush tone, "Believe it or not, Y/N, but I married ya for several reasons. Yes, I needed t'marry t'become king but I was excited to start a family. Then ya got here and were nothing like I expected. Yeah, I have an attitude with ya but that's because ya have one with me all the time."

Annoyance rises within you and you say, "I gave up my career to come here. I gave up my dreams of wrestling for WWE and winning titles for the company. I'm not happy I'm in this marriage, Drew. I married a stranger and you're still a stranger to me."

Guests start to look at you and Drew so he takes your hand and whisks you off to a more private area in one of the hallways. You trip over your gown as you follow closely behind Drew.

The door closes and now you're alone with Drew. He looks at you and says, "I'm sorry that ya gave up wrestling to come here and marry me, Y/N. I'm not that happy about it either but if I wanted t'succeed my father then I had'ta marry someone, and that someone is ya."

"You could've picked someone in the country, Drew," you say. "Seriously, you had to pick me."

Drew says, "Yer aunt spoke very highly of ya when she would visit my father. When my father told me I needed t'marry, my mind went t'ya. I didn't think about the repercussions ya would face when I told my father I wanted ya t'be my wife."

Sighing, you say, "Wrestling was taken away from me and I moved away to a country to marry a prince. It's been overwhelming for me and you are nowhere to be seen. I've been taking princess lessons for months and I'm still struggling. It doesn't help I'm alone, Drew, in a foreign country. I don't even have wrestling anymore because I 'can't risk getting hurt'. It's not a fairytale ending like in the books."

There's a silence between the two of you before Drew says, "It still can be"

You look at Drew and ask, "What does that mean?"

He meets your eyes and suddenly you feel butterflies. You've never felt butterflies in your stomach since meeting Drew.

"I just thought that maybe before the coronation that maybe we can go t'America and see a few wrestling shows," he says slowly. "I'm a big fan myself."

Everyday in Scotland is a learning experience. You didn't know that he was a wrestling fan.

You say, "I'd, uh, like that."

Drew slowly takes your hand and he says, "I also thought that maybe we can share a room together like a married couple should."

Confused, you say, "It was your idea to have the separate chambers since we 'didn't have to be married within the four walls of the castle'. At least that's what you told me."

He says, "Contrary to popular belief, I actually do like ya, Y/N. Why do ya think my mind went t'ya when asked if there was someone I wanted t'marry? The girls in this country are beautiful, don't get me wrong, but ya. There's just something about ya that peeks my interests."

You stare up at Drew and for a second before you say, "We've been married for months and this is all coming out now."

"We've never had this conversation until now," Drew says, shrugging his shoulders a bit. "By the way, ya do look stunning in that dress. Shows yer personality really well."

You get flustered and say, "You said it was too much."

Drew chuckles and says, "I'm just that good of a liar, I guess."

A little bit of annoyance creeps up and you say, "Stop lying to me, Drew. I'm confused and now I have a headache because of what you're saying to me."

He says, "I know, I'm sorry. I can walk ya to yer room if ya wanna go lay down and get rid of that ache."

You soften up a bit and say, "Yeah." That's all you say. That's all you feel like you can say.

So, Drew walks you to your chambers. You notice that you're still holding his hand when you arrive at the door of your room. He turns toward you and says, "Whenever ya would like t'go see those wrestling shows in America then let me know and we'll go, okay?"

You nod and look up at your husband. "Thank you, Drew," you say. "Offering to go see some wrestling shows in my home country sounds really nice."

Drew says, "It's been a while since I've been to America and I'd like t'see where my wife is from."

My wife. He said you were his wife. That was the first time behind closed doors that he's referred to you as his wife.

There's another silence between the two of you before you say, "I'm, um, going to head inside. Take some medicine and lay down."

"Can I stop by later t'make sure yer okay?" he asks slowly and cautiously.

You consider it for a moment before you say, "Yeah, sure. Just come in if you do because knocking may make my headache worse."

Drew nods and says, "Alright."

You look up at Drew and the air between the two of you thickens a bit. Your heart races in your chest as you wait for Drew to do something.

He pushes a loose curl behind your ear before he kisses your cheek lightly. Your heart almost jumps out of your chest when his lips touch your cheek. You look at him as he pulls away from you slowly.

"Goodnight, in case yer asleep when I come check on ya after the party," Drew says quietly.

You nod and say in almost a whisper, "Goodnight."

He shoots you a smile before walking off to the party again. You stand in the hallway for a second, playing with your engagement ring as you watch him walk off.

For the first time in this marriage, Drew's actions and words made you have butterflies in your stomach and made your heart race.

If you didn't know any better then you might be falling for your husband.

***

The moment between you and Drew has melted away by morning. You walked down to breakfast early the next morning and he doesn't even acknowledge your presence at the table.

"Y/N, are ya feeling okay?" Drew's dad asks. "Ya left with Drew and only Drew came back."

Nodding, you say, "Yeah. I just wasn't feeling well so I went to bed a little early. That's all."

Drew finally glances at you and his dad says, "Feeling better this morning, I hope?"

"Depends," you say, looking at Drew. "Is your eldest son going to keep ignoring me like he is right now?"

His dad looks at him and asks, "Is there something wrong?"

You say, "No, nothing's wrong." You get angry and stand up. "Excuse me but I think I'm going to go back to my chambers. I'm not feeling well again."

After you're done talking, you leave and go back to your room. You've just closed the door when there's a knock.

Reluctantly, you go and answer it. Drew stands in the doorway and you say, "Oh, great. It's you. Come to promise me something else then ignore me again?"

Drew says, "Look, I'm sorry. This whole thing is new to me, Y/N. I'm 35 and I haven't been in a serious relationship like this."

"We're not even in a relationship, Drew," you spit at him. "We're legally bind to each other for you to become king."

He says, "I'm trying here, Y/N!" His voice is rising. "I'm fucking trying. We met, were engaged then married within weeks. I'm trying t'be a good husband in public while also trying t'form a relationship with you behind closed doors. It's not easy. Especially because I do want a relationship with ya, Y/N."

You glare at him and say, "Ignoring me isn't trying, Drew."

He says, "I know, Y/N." He rubs his face. "God, I'm terrible at communicating how I feel and this is whole new territory for me."

Deciding to lighten the air, you say, "If you want to be king then you have to work on communication skills there, Drew."

Drew looks at you and says, "I'm gonna pretend that I didn't just hear ya say that."

You smile and say, "Come on, Drew. Lighten up a bit. Here, tell me the truth. How do you feel when you're around me?"

Your husband blinks at you and thinks for a second. He says, "I, uh, I feel nervous. Ya make me a little nervous, Y/N. My heart races when ya're around me, especially when we touch. Um, when ya walk into a room, I feel a knot in my stomach. I don't know what it's called-"

"Butterflies," you say, helping him out. "They're called butterflies in the stomach. It's what happens when we're around someone who we may or may not like."

Drew looks down at you and says, "Sounds like yer talking from experience."

You nod slightly and say, "I am."

He blinks at you and starts to say something before someone walks into the hallway and say, "I apologize for the interruption, your highnesses. Prince Drew, your father has requested your presence in his chambers. Immediately."

Drew nods and says, "One second." He turns toward you. "When I'm done with my father, I'll come back and we can keep talking. Okay?"

You nod and he smiles before walking off quickly.

That's when you notice when there are butterflies in your stomach again.

***

It's hours later and you're still waiting for Drew. You've asked your maids if they've seen him and they've all said that he's still with his father.

You're watching Freaky Friday on Disney Plus when the doors to your chambers open. A red-faced Drew walks in and you ask, "Woah, Fire Face. What's wrong?"

"My father is what's wrong," Drew says. He's pacing around the room and you pause the movie, getting up and walking to him.

You say, "Talk to me, Drew." He doesn't look at you. "Hey, dumbass. I'm your wife, remember? You're supposed to talk to me about this stuff."

Finally, Drew looks down at you. You're so much shorter than him. You're barely five foot four. You're eye level with his chest and you have to tilt your head up to look at Drew.

He says, "My father just told me that we're going on a two week tour of the country. He wants me t'know the country before I ascend the throne."

"What's the matter with that?" you ask, gently stroking Drew's arm to calm him down.

His eyes are on your hand on his arm as he says, "I wanted t'surprise ya with tickets home t'America for the two weeks that we'll be on tour."

Your eyes widen and you say, "We can go when we get back."

Drew says, "When we got t'America, yer friend was gonna meet us in Florida. I got ya cleared t'wrestle in one match in WWE against your friend. It was more than just going t'see some wrestling shows in America. When we got t' ya're hometown, I was gonna take ya t'yer favorite spot that ya told me about before and I was gonna ask if ya wanted t'try and be a real couple."

Your heart sinks into stomach when you see how upset Drew is about this. You say, "You had all that planned out for me? For us?"

He nods and says, "I wanted ya to feel less alone and I wanted ya t'have at least one more match before ya actually have t'give up wrestling."

You console Drew by hugging him. You close your eyes and you say, "I already feel less alone, Drew."

"What about yer one more match?" he asks.

Looking up at Drew, you say, "I've already come to terms with the fact I'll probably never wrestle again. It would have been amazing to be in a WWE ring but I don't need one more match."

His hands rest on your cheeks before he says, "I'll get ya in a WWE ring at some point, Y/N. Ya gave up yer career t'be here. It's the least I can do."

The idea of talking to Drew's father pops into your mind and you say, "I need to do something really quick. Can you excuse me?"

Drew nods and you let go of each other before you walk off to the king's chambers.

At the door, you knock. A "come in" is said from the other side so you open the large doors.

King Andrew sits at his desk and he looks up at you. "Ah, Y/N," he says, getting up. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Postpone the tour of Scotland," you bluntly say. "Please, sir."

His face hardens a bit as he says, "Drew must've told ya what was happening."

You nod and say, "He did, and he pulled a lot of strings to surprise me back home. Mr. King Sir, he gave me an opportunity to do the thing I love one more time before I give it up to join him by his side as queen of this beautiful country. He wants to take this trip to help us get closer so maybe we could be together behind closed doors as well. Let us take this trip and the day we get back, we can tour this country that I can proudly say I call my second home."

Andrew looks at you as you talk. He leans against his desk and crosses his arms across his chest, looking down at the floor when you're done talking.

You wait for a response.

It's almost an eternity before he says, "I can remember what it was like t'be in love with Drew's mother when we were younger. All the trips we took were always business, never for pleasure. Then she got sick and she died, and I regret that we never got to go on a trip just for pleasure. So, I will postpone the tour so ya and Drew can visit the States, but the day ya get back is the day the tour of Scotland begins."

You smile and say, "Yes, Mr. King Sir. May I go tell Drew the news?"

He nods and dismisses you.

As soon as you're out of the room, you take off back toward your chambers. Drew sits on the small love seat in your room and looks at you when you walk in.

"When do we leave to go to America?"

—

tags: @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan

[catchmewiddershins]

ahh ok ok, it's good !! i'm only halfway thru but mAN, i'm hooked HAHA, and abt the type, mmm i don't really have a preference tbh, i just take a look at the blurb and if it's interesting to me, then i send a message to my mom n she decided whether to buy it or not

as for recs, i've only gotten into reading recently, but i have a few that i've been wanting to read

- agatha christie seems to be pretty popular, and i think she writes on horror, so i'll look into that

- there's also this guy, anthony horowitz, and i'm very interested in reading a book of his, the word is murder (it's out of stock on our local bookstore, so i'm just waiting on it)

- one of us is lying and one of us is next is popular with my friends and classmates, so i'm interested in it as well

but do you have any book recs? i'd like to get more into it, but i haven't been able to find a lot of good ones ; i dont mind the genre, i just get at what seems interesting to me, so feel free to drop your favorites :D

HMMMM IMMA CHECK THAT ONE OUT :DD

ok so what you got sounds good I'll give you some basic recs because I want to explore the genre a bit more myself lol (my sister also really wants to read One of us is Lying lol)

Classics (not old but like... famous):

- an Inspector Calls - a play that's quite famous, it's a script so it's all dialogue and the story is revealed through an interrogation it's a classic for a reason :) - An inspector comes to the house of a rich family in the (oh dear) like mid 1800s? Anyway he claims that they are all guilty of driving a working class woman to suicide and the whole story is slowly revealed it's so GOOD

- Oedipus Rex - ok this is an old classic but :)))) what can I say - it's another play and it's good! Technically it's a tragedy but the plot of the tragedy is Oedipus trying to solve a mystery - chances are you know the ending but that's the point, knowing the ending creates tension as he tries to figure it out and you wonder when the ball is going to drop

- Sherlock Holmes - I... I haven't actually read these but one of my best friends has and she KEEPS bugging me to read them so it's on the list because it's a classic and also my bestie likes them

- Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde - Pretty short! And so so good! You probably recognise the story and it has it's fame for a reason... t's written from the POV of this Judge? I think? I can't remember his career, anyway he becomes involved in these murders and he decides to find out who's doing it and then track the perpetrator down and it's also sci-fi and psychological I believe anyway definite recommendation

Lower level (so like ages 11 - 15? I mean that's the age I was when I read them so):

- The Mysterious Benedict Society series - honestly? I want to reread these because a television adaption is coming out and I'm mad about some of the cuts they made - it's about a group of children recruited to stop someone from brainwashing the world

- the Lady Grace mysteries - definitely around the 11/12 age when I read these so they're quite an easy read but what can I say I still like them and easy reads are good and fun - it's set in the late 1500s and the main character is Grace, goddaughter to Queen Elizabeth the first, and she becomes a private detective for the Queen for various murders happening around court while outwitting the official (male) detective who thinks that her observations are worth pretty much nothing - she also has to keep it a secret from the other Maids of Honour (like ladies in waiting but... nobles)

- Orphan Monster Spy - ok I loved this when I read it at... 13/14/15? Anyway it's about a Jewish girl in WW2 who goes undercover at a school for nazi's children to gather information it is very good

- The murder most unladylike series - OK this I read at 10/11/12 as well but just because books are for younger audiences doesn't mean they aren't gripping and they're often more creative! My sister is reading this atm and she loves it ehe - it's two girls at a boarding school that start solving mysteries together

Higher Level (so like... 15/16/17? When I read or have been recommended and all that jazz):

- Oryx and Crake - This is written by Margaret Atwood which means it's good. The woman is a legend! Handmaid's Tale COULD be considered thriller or smth like it's sci-fi but like... cmon so that's another rec by her. My English teacher and my mum keep recommending me this but I haven't started it yet... general consensus is it's good though!

- Jane Harper - She's an author who's mysteries are apparently pretty good? I have one and they all seem to be popular sooooo a recommendation :)

- The Declaration + sequels - These are written by Gemma Malley and ALL I CAN REMEMBER ABOUT HOW GOOD THEY ARE is that when I was taking my GCSE mocks (I was 15 half of us were 16) we had to do revision in an exam hall and um anyway I read this book and the Resistance instead and did not do any revision I was hooked - not really a mystery or crime technically I don't think but definitely that vibe - Basically it's a future world where children just aren't a thing? The government has designed drugs for longevity and kids born outside of the law become 'surplus' and are all housed together but this girl meets a boy from outside (I cannot for the life of me remember if they get together or not) and they escape and go to investigate the government and where these drugs are coming from

I'll add more if I read them... IDEA! This list will have a tag (#wid's book recs! and #wid's mystery recs!) so I'll add recs to it when I get them so it'll be constantly evolving and I'll do the same for other genres at some point! I had a few more that I wanted to add but I forgot and the cat is being clingy

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Eight

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Seven

Read here on wattpad

A/N: Question — what song do you think of when you think of Nikki and Viv? I'm trying to see something

Word count: 3.3k

Warning(s): Explicit language, Sexual situations, Drug abuse

Tag List: @unknownoblivion @sinningsixx @edwardtriggerhandzz @lemmyjelly @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @vamprlestat @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @loveofmyloif @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @xpoisonousrosesx @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @triplehaitches @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg @girlnight-terror @mcnibberachi

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My bare feet hook underneath his thighs the second I realize he's about to  finish and he gives a crooked smirk up at me, his breathing beginning to shallow.

Nikki holds my hips still, groaning out as his cum coats the inside of me, causing me to let out a hazey moan, my mind cloudy from our rather lengthy round.

Once he's finished, I'm getting off of him and falling beside him, catching my breath as we recover is silence fore several minutes.

"Are you on birth control or something?" He asks me out of nowhere and I tense up, looking at him.

"Why're you asking?"

"I've been thinking about it since Vince and Sharise had Skylar, for some reason. I mean, I haven't used a rubber since we started dating and most of the time I don't pull out, and we've only had one pregnancy scare in the past, what, like, four years?"

"You've managed to keep track of how long we've been together?" I ask him, pretending to be shocked and he gently hits my arm with the back of his hand, and I chuckle, rolling over to face him, my lips pressing to his bicep for a moment.

I think I'm in the clear, dodging his question, but I'm not.

"I'm being serious, Viv, are you on something or...?" He asks and I lick my lips.

"Maybe my antidepressant affects fertility, I don't know." I shrug, lying through my teeth. "Drugs can cause issues on your end, too, so maybe that's another reason."

"Oh." He replies.

I avoid looking at him, sitting up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed before reaching down to grab his shirt by my feet.

You know those lies, that start simple and small, and then snowball more and more over time and explode in flames from hell that melt the snow and turn it into scalding hot water that leaves third-degree burns on the person that's being lied to? Yeah, we both had lots of those, and that was one of mine.

I

take a shower and brush my teeth, excited for my plans tonight, and as I start putting makeup up on, Nikki's getting in the shower.

"Are you and Robin going out tonight?" I ask him.

"Uh, yeah. Sparkie's coming, too." He replies and I roll my eyes.

I know they'll go out to a club and hide in the bathroom, shooting up and snorting blow a  majority of the time, only leaving to get some drinks.

"My doctor was really curious as to why I needed a refill so soon being that he gave me a month supply a week before Sparkie traded it." I comment to remind him Sparkie's a piece of shit.

"Sparkie learned his lesson, baby." He tells me in a half-chuckle and I raise my brows at myself in the mirror and turn the sink on.

"Jesus fuck, Viv!" He screams, being bombarded with ice cold water for a moment.

"Awe, I'm sorry, maybe Sparkie can sympathize with you." I reply smartly.

He's getting out of the shower, covered in suds, glaring at me, and I take off running with him chasing close behind.

"Spoiled brat!" He calls at me, the both of us naked as jaybirds.

"Trader bastard!" I say back, right before he catches me, pulling me against his wet, soapy body, his hands not skipping a moment to start tickling me.

I squeal, the both of us falling to the floor, my feet and legs kicking out of instinct.

"Don't you do it." He threatens. "Remember what happened last time."

"Not my fault you're a pussy." I reply, immediately regretting it when he starts tickling me again, this time, getting on top of me to pin me down.

He doesn't let up until I'm laughing so hard I'm in tears, and he's tired of struggling with me.

We look at each other for a minute, before he grins and kisses me.

"I gotta finish getting ready." He tells me, getting off of me and helping me up.

"Yeah, I do, too."

I decided a nice trip to Malibu would be a great thing for GN'R. I mean, go to Tansy's house there, have her invite over some of her single girl friends to mingle with the guys, stay over night so they don't have to worry about whether or not they'd be able to crash at their stripper friends' apartment and sleep on the floor that night, have a nice breakfast together the next morning, and just give Axl and Izzy time to really get to know Tansy, because they haven't hung out with her very much, while Slash, Duff and Steven see her almost more than I do.

I glance around the living room of Tansy's Malibu beach house, seeing beach bunnies all around with perfectly tanned skin, bombshell hair and perfect smiles, then look at Steven and Slash, who seem to be having a pretty good time.

They both look like they're in heaven, girls on either side of them, obviously fans of their work on the Sunset Strip back in L.A.

Izzy took a girl up to the guest bedroom long ago, while Axl's just nursing a bottle of Jack, with a beautiful brunette chattering his ear off while he's pretending not to care about what Tansy's doing as she talks to one of her girl friends across the room.

I do a mental head count, and notice my 6'4 blonde is nowhere to be seen.

Maybe he found a girl or two of his own and followed in Izzy's footsteps, taking over a spare room?

I brush it off, deciding it's none of my business and step to the kitchen to grab a Pepsi out of the fridge. 

When I pass by the doors that lead to the balcony over looking the ocean, though, I see the outline of someone sitting in the lounge chair. 

Recognizing the slender frame, I grab my soda and head outside, Duff looking over his shoulder to see who I am, before smiling at me innocently, bottle of Vodka by his foot and pack of Marlboros on one knee as a sketch pad and pen are being supported by his other.

"Hi." I say as he scoots over to make room for me. "Mr. Social Butterfly." I add, sarcastically.

"Hey." He replies, moving his Vodka over so I won't knock it down with my foot.

"I figured you be eating that up." I motion to the door, referring to the gorgeous girls inside and he chuckles a little.

"I don't know, I haven't really been feeling chicks lately." He tells me and I furrow my brows a little.

"Well, I'm sure she has some boy friends, too, if you're feeling something different." I inform him, knowing what he meant, but he laughs and shakes his head.

"Not like that, Viv." He tells me and I pull my red hair behind my shoulders to get it out of my face, before taking a sip of my drink. "I've been, uh, working on something new, kinda. The lyrics have been going off left and right in my head, I just thought I'd better get somewhere quiet and write them down before I lose them." He explains, holding up his notepad.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I feel like I've intruded, or messed up his groove, about to leave him alone to finish but he puts his hand on my knee to stop me from standing up.

"No, no, it's fine." He insists, taking his hand off of me, not thinking anything of it, despite me feeling warmth radiate from where he touched me.

I ignore it.

"I've already gotten everything I had in mind, so far." He explains. "Just a verse and chorus."

"What's the name of it?" I ask, and he scratches the back of his neck.

"I don't know if I need to tell you. I'm superstitious about this stuff, Viv." He tells me, even though he's completely full of shit.

He just wants to aggravate me.

"It's just the title, Duff. You let me hear you say 'turn around, bitch, I gotta use for you' and this can't be worse than that." I point out and he chuckles, licking his lips before looking at me.

His hand covers the lyrics, exposing the title line of the page.

"Paradise City" is scribbled in his writing and I smile when he moves his hand and let's me read  the chorus, and verse that he's gotten so far, a giant smile pulling at my lips.

"Who the hell inspired this?" I ask him, raising my brows.

"Nobody particular." He shrugs. "You like it?"

"I already love it." I tell him.

Not to compare two completely different bands who earned their names all on their own, but there are a few song parallels between Guns N' Rose's Appetite for Destruction, and Mötley Crüe's Girls, Girls, Girls albums.

Guns' Welcome to the Jungle was like Mötley's Wild Side. Paradise City was like Girls, Girls, Girls. Mr. Brownstone was like Dancing on Glass. But my favorite parallel has to be Sweet Child O Mine and You're All I Need.

I remember Nikki had given me a tape of You're All I Need after we got into a massive argument because he thought I was spending too much time with Duff. But he had practically accused me of having feelings for Duff, and even acting on them (which was pretty hypocritical being that he'd been screwing Vanity since 1986 at that point.)

A few weeks later, Nikki convinced me to come down to the studio so he could personally give me a copy of a song he had written me, and me--being excited--decided I wanted the guys to hear it, too.

I went to the Franklin Plaza where Steven, Duff, Slash, Izzy and Axl were hanging out, discussing a meeting they'd had with their label.

When I told them Nikki wrote a love song about me (thinking it was his way of trying to patch up our marriage and say to the world "I love this woman") the guys had to hear it, not believing me.

The ballad started beautifully, tears coming to my eyes, but my warmed heart quickly began boiling in my chest by the time the second chorus ended.

"I don't think this is a love song." Izzy stated, while shaking his head a little.

"Yeah, uh...he's talking about killing you." Axl had told me, everyone seemed slightly disturbed.

"Your girlfriends get Sweet Child O Mine and what does the dedicated wife that has done nothing but love this sick bastard get?! A song dedicated to his deep desire to murder me!"

"Dude, hasn't he actually tried to kill you before?" Steven asked.

Which made the song even more ironic, along with the last line of the chorus, "and I loved you but you didn't love me" which in itself was slap in the fucking face.

I didn't hear the full song at that time because Duff had took it out of the player and stomped it under his cowboy boot.

That pretty much set the tone for the months to come.

"You're also incredibly biased." He replies in the same tone and I nudge him with my elbow.

"You don't know how many songs I have actually had to tear out of Nikki's hand and hide them from him because they were so bad I just could not allow them to be recorded." I tell him.

"Oh, please." He brushes me off.

"Have you heard 'Theater of Pain'?" I ask him with raised brows.

"Yeah."

"Home Sweet Home and Smokin' in the Boy's Room were the only really good ones. And Smokin' in the Boy's Room was a cover. The other songs were songs I didn't know were written, or I would have hid them from him, too." I state and he tries not to laugh, but fails, making himself snort, which kickstarts my laughter. 

Once we settle down, he clears his throat, and gets a kind of serious expression on his face.

"I really wish he wasn't on that shit, Viv." He tells me and I don't even have to ask who he's talking about. "I mean, I'm not judging him or whatever because Izzy and Slash are in on that stuff, too, but...I just hate to see he's on it, because it's kinda hard to manage it once you hit a certain point, ya know?" He asks and I nod a little. "I think he's a pretty cool guy...so it sucks to see him act like that."

"It's not that bad, right now." I tell him, completely in denial. "He's still Nikki, he just does stuff he's not suppose to. That's nothing new to me."

"I'm just a little worried, is all." He admits.

"There's no need to be." I reassure him. "He's got a handle on things."

Dear God did I eat those words a week later in Dallas, Texas.

It's like watching a fucking car accident. 

Except instead of a car, it's my husband, and instead of a car accident, it's him losing his ever loving mind, crouched on the hotel room desk, as he babbles on, making absolutely no sense as he shouts at his parents who aren't even present.

I just came back from the pool, got a shower, and came in to him doing this.

"Nikki!" I try to get him out of whatever drug-induced show he's on.

"I'm not me! I'm not Nikki! I'm someone else!" He insists, hands yanking at his hair, his eyes completely taken over by an entirely different beast. 

I panic, immediately calling Fred.

"The fuck is wrong?!" He asks when I open the door, hearing Nikki's screaming and carrying on and I try to keep the absolute fear that's locking up my system from showing.

"I-I don't know. I got in from the pool and he was kinda jittery but I thought he'd done some blow, but then he started screaming when I was in the shower and now he's--"

Fred gets tired of hearing Nikki's meaningless shrieks at people who aren't in the room with us, and snatches him off the desk.

Nikki hits the floor, and a switch is flipped, sending him into strong convulsions, opting thick, white foam to pour from his mouth.

"Fuck, Sixx!" Fred lets out, turning him on his side. "Get me a roll of toilet-paper." He barks at me and I do as I'm told, saying a very colorful, silent prayer in my head. 

He tries to get Nikki to bite down on it to keep him from biting his tongue, but Nikki can't do it. screaming instead.

When I think I can't take the confused, scared, out-of-character shrill, it's like God himself knocks Nikki out, leaving Fred and I in complete silence, riddled with what just happened.

Fred checks his pulse and sighs in relief, looking at me.

"Viv, are you alright?" He asks me, taking deep breaths.

"Y-yeah." I say, nodding, even though I know it's written all over my face that I can't be further from "alright."

"Vivian--"

"I just need a second." I tell him, standing up to go to the bathroom, disguising oncoming tears in a strong, steady voice that's physically uncomfortable to push past the lump in my throat.

I lock myself inside the bathroom and turn the water back on, gripping the counter before I find myself in the floor, quiet sobs rocking through me.

I just want my Nikki back...not this tainted demon nesting himself in Nikki's skin, festering his bullshit in Nikki's mind.

By the time I'm worn down from crying, and tired from lying on the bathroom floor, I pull myself up and open the bathroom door, stepping into the room.

I guess Fred put Nikki in the bed before he left, because Nikki's still passed out, just tucked in the covers. 

I get pajamas on, scared to even touch him because I don't want him to start seizing again.

Cautiously getting closer to him, nestling my forehead against his arm, I thank God for the feeling of his pulse under my finger tips in the crook of his arm, and find myself passing out with utter exhaustion.

The next morning, Nikki's really quiet.

I'm not sure if he remembers what happened last night, but I'm not asking him. 

After finding a needle and evidence of an 8-ball of coke, he can lick my twat if he thinks I'm talking to him anytime soon. 

The video shoot for Home Sweet Home is happening today, and a limo picks Nikki and I up at the hotel, driving us to the venue, neither of us acknowledging the other. 

Once we get there, someone's dressing Nikki like a damn toddler, because he's too fucked from last night to dress himself in his done up stage costume.

Nikki was so, so, so, obviously, utterly fucked up when they filmed the music video for Home Sweet Home. 

The entire time, he was chugging Jack to try to calm himself down from a high he later described felt like, "being on acid and speed at the same time" and with the way he was acting like he couldn't see a damn thing, I believe it. 

He kept sunglasses on a majority of the time so people couldn't see how his eye were practically doing cartwheels. 

"Viv, we're about to start, where's Nikki?" His bass tech asks me and I glance around, furrowing my brows a little.

"I haven't seen in him about an hour. He went over there by the stage...at least I think he did." I tell him, stepping over to the last place I saw him. "He was here and..." I trail off, hearing Nikki having a full blown conversation, his voice coming from underneath the stage.

The two of us sit and listen for a moment, realizing Nikki's just talking, taking long pauses, then answering a question that was never asked by anybody, not even himself.

"Who is he talking to?" His tech asks me under his breath so Nikki won't hear.

I roll my jaw, getting fed up.

"Probably the fucking demon he sees and befriends every time he gets high." I state, fully believing that at this point, there is indeed a demon following him around, breathing down his neck, stripping him of his control and cheering him on with each grain of coke, bottle of Jack, cc of heroin and prescription-grade pill.

"Nikki," His tech starts. "Who're you talking to?"

"I'm talking. Leave me alone." Nikki argues.

"Nikki." I state, looking at him. 

It's the first time he's heard my voice all day.

"There's nobody there, baby. C'mon." I motion my hand for him to get out from under the stage.

"Leave me alone!" He snaps at me, nearly hissing.

"Dude, calm down, you're freaking out." His tech tells him. 

"Nikki, get your ass out from under there or so help me God, I will come in and drag you out by your dick." I promise him. 

He puffs up like a pissed off rooster and stomps out, passing by us, grumbling under his breath.

Do you wanna know what was really fucked up about that time? Vince couldn't have a beer without someone losing their mind. He was supposed to be sober. Nikki would bust Vince's balls if he even saw him looking at a bottle...but then Nikki would load anything and everything into his body, simultaneously.

Vince quickly became the odd man out, and had been ever since that night with Razzle. There was this vibe, this tension, that Vince was only kept in the band at that time, because they were getting hotter and hotter, and each member was the ticket to reach their full potential as a band. Each member was important.

Without Tommy, there was no band. Without Mick, there was no band. Without Nikki, there was no band.

And without Vince, there was no band...that was the one that really didn't sit too well with Sikki.

[alltimecalvinhood]

Ryland Storms fan fiction [Part 6]

*Talia's POV*

"Talia, Talia?" A voice whispers, and I feel two hands shaking me awake. I open my eyes slightly to see Jaden hovering over me, it was still dark outside.

"Josh isn't here." I furrow my brow and shoot up, glaring at him.

"Are you waking me up for a booty call Jaden?" I cross my arms.

"What, no! I mean, if you want to...I just couldn't sleep and I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh...okay? What's on your mind?" By now I'm fully awake and aware of my surroundings. I pick up my phone from beside me and check the time, 2:43 AM. What the hell is going on that Jaden felt the need to wake me up to, "talk". Jaden gets fully onto my mattress and lays down beside me, I cross my legs and turn my body towards him. "Jaden are you okay?" I ask him genuinely worried about him.

"Yeah, I'm just upset about Mads, obviously. And Ryland texted me asking if I had your number...I don't know. I gave it to him, but I just don't get why he wants it. He could have any girl he wants, why Griffin's little sister." He says.

"Dude, are you serious? You got with me, you can't really take the high road on this one." I lay down on my side next to him so we are face to face. Only inches lying between our faces. He rolls his eyes,

"You know what I mean, Ryland is going out of his way to make this happen. You and I...we kind of just happened." Jaden explains. I nod my head in agreement and then take some time to collect my thoughts.

"Why are you worried about it? It's my problem." Jaden lets out a sarcastic laugh, but his face suddenly becomes more serious. He puts his arm around me and pulls me a little closer. I could feel his warm breath on my face. And, in that moment I got a good look at Jaden. I'd never really looked at him, except well...while we were having drunk sex, but that wasn't really a good time to appreciate how beautiful he was. His brown eyes were making me melt, and the blonde in his hair was catching the moonlight just right. "Jaden?" I whisper breaking the silence between us. He takes a deep breath in,

"My emotions are just fucked right now." I see his brown eyes begin to water, and my heart immediately sinks into my stomach at the sight. "Mads, she was my everything. I don't know who I am without her. I'm not that guy that hooks up with his best friend's little sister. I'm just not." A pit begins to form in my stomach, and suddenly I felt like I had to do something to alleviate the pain he was in. I reached out and brushed away a tear that began to fall down his face, and left my hand cupping his cheek,

"Jaden, we shouldn't hook up again. I know you mean it when you say you're not that guy, I believe you. And I know how hard it is to go through a break up, trust me I've been there. But just know you will make it through this, you are going to come out the other side the same great guy you were before, and I'm here whenever you need it." I speak to him sternly, and my heart swells up with adoration for the boy in front of me. The tears begin to fall freely down his face, and he buries his head into my chest. I squeeze him into me, wanting to take away all the pain he's ever felt. We stayed like that for a while, until I felt his tears cease and his breathing begin to slow and even out. I could tell he had fallen asleep, so I kissed the top of his head and shut my eyes, letting myself go to sleep.

~

The next day when I woke up, my body was hot and I could feel the sun shining through the window beating directly on me. The spot in the bed next to me felt empty. I opened my eyes to see that no one was in the room with me. I reached out for my phone and checked the time, 1:30 PM. I got up and walked out into the kitchen. I didn't see or hear anyone in the house. Rechecking my phone I saw that I had a message:

Griffin: Went out, be back by 4:00

Went out? Went out where? Did everyone go with him? I started to make myself a bowl of cereal. I grabbed a bowl out of the cabinet and got the lucky charms down off the top of the fridge. I poured the cereal into the bowl, and looked in the fridge for milk. I was surprised to see almost nothing except for postmates leftovers in the fridge. I rolled my eyes, of course these boys don't buy groceries or make food. I decided to eat my cereal plain. I go downstairs, and head out to the pool area to eat my cereal by the pool. As I was heading out, I noticed a figure swimming in the pool.

"Afternoon Talia" Ryland smirks at me, flipping his curls out of his face. I roll my eyes,

"Do you usually come to the sway house when no one is here to swim in the pool?" I sit down on a lawn chair close to where Ryland was. He laughs,

"You got me. The pool water at the sway house just...hits different." I roll my eyes for the hundredth time. Ryland gets out of the pool and goes to grab a towel off the fence. My eyes involuntarily look him up and down. Shit, he's got a good body. I feel goosebumps forming on my arms. I continue to eat my cereal, trying to ignore the feeling Ryland gives me. Ryland ties the towel around his waist, and I can't help but admire the way he looks again. The way the water glistens on his body in the sunlight. The way his hair falls when it's wet. Ryland comes over to me and sits on the lawn chair next to mine. "You slept in pretty late. Up all night with your boy Jaden?" Ryland mocks.

"No. Just catching up on my beauty sleep. You could probably use some of that." Ryland fakes hurt by gasping and placing a hand on his chest.

"No need to be rude Tali. But you're right it's none of my business." I finish my cereal and go to get up and put it back inside, but Ryland grabs my wrist, preventing me from leaving. I turn around and look at him, "Wait look Tali. I know what you must have heard about me. I just want you to hear from me, I'm not trying anything with you. I might've in the past, but I'm trying to be better okay? I don't want to do anything to ruin my relationship with Griffin. I just thought we could be friends." My heart aches hearing those words come from his mouth. Any disgust I had for him disappears in an instant, but my mind goes into defense mode,

"I don't know if I believe that. From what I've heard it doesn't sound like you're capable of trying to be 'better' or whatever you want to call it. For all I know this could be you trying to manipulate me and make me fall for whatever it is you're trying to do." I spit the words at him and pull my arm out of his grasp. I begin to walk away and he doesn't chase me. As I do though, I can't help but feel sad that I didn't give him a chance.

[oldschoolimagineblog]

Don’t you ever leave me - Razzle

Request: I just saw that you maybe are writing for Razzle and Hanoi Rocks and I was wondering if you could write something with either Razzle or Mike Monroe based off the song Don’t you ever leave me by Hanoi Rocks

--

The nights are wearing me down, and it's hard getting through the day

'Cos I need you right now, and right now you're so far away

You knew what you were getting into when you began dating Raz, his band was coming up to the scene and began getting recognition, and when you last expected it, he was already packing up for his first american tour. 

It broke your heart to have him go, with all the parties and the girls it didn’t do anything except hit you right in you insecurities. You were more than proud and excited for the boys, their dream was finally becoming true.

So when the day came for him to get on the plane, you hugged him tighter than ever, and kissed like it was your last, reminding him to call every night, “don’t forget about me Raz”

The days were boring, lonely. You had stuck to a new routine without Raz, getting up, going to work, and coming home. Sometimes you’re friends would show up at your place to keep you company, taking to you to bars to have a good time, and although you had a good time, you couldn't help but have Raz on your mind.

I guess that I should have known, that I'd end up this way

But I swear I'll come home, and then nothing will drag me away

Ever since he arrived he had been living his best life, he began partying with the boys from Motley Crue and having the best time at his shows, girls from all around america just threw themselves at him, and he could never just say no. 

He felt guilty, lying to you when he called. Although not all where lies, he did love you, and he missed you like crazy. 

When he was alone was when he felt the loneliest. the guiltiest. He didn’t know how to tell you, he knew it was going to hurt you and that was the last thing he wanted to do, you would never leave his mind, even when he was with some random girl, he would always express how wrong it felt, but the girls never failed to lure to bed with them.

He just wanted to forget his mistakes and go home to you, just to see you smile and laugh, to have you close to him.

Now that some much time has passed, i know that this love of ours will last forever

Cos we feel it, take it, hold it and believe it, you need me like I need you

I know you do, I'm sure you do

“I miss you Raz, feels empty without you around” he heard through the phone. 

It was late on his side of the world when he called you, so relieved when you picked up. He was beyond tired but he needed to hear you, he needed to feel loved by you, he desired to feel needed by you. 

“It feels lonely here as well darling…” he told her, “I love you” 

“I love you too Raz, you know I do. I’m counting the days to see you again” she told him, her voice was sweet, which caused Raz to feel at peace with himself for a bit, closing his eyes at the feeling.

The lights are slowly going down, on Lexington Avenue

And me, I'm all alone feeling the tears, falling down from my eyes

A subway train is passing by, driving into the Darkness

I jump inside 'cos I ain't got  nowhere to sleep tonight

He liked to walk around wherever he was staying, if he was alone for too long the loneliness and guilt would take the best of him and become a mess, he saw people walk by him, laughing and having a good time with other people, but partying was the last thing he needed, he just needed you. 

He felt like a child, not getting what he wanted, who he wanted, only made him feel sad and angry. 

I was forcing myself to just walk through the day, when all I really wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry

Nothing had any meaning, and I'd just think "Let's give it another day and see if anything happens"

The tour was almost over, just a few more weeks and he’d me able to see you again, he just needed to get by a few more. So he kept busy, rehearsing, drinking, partying, going out, hooking up with strangers, and calling you when he was finally alone, he kept his routine up to keep focused, to prevent him to just be a walking mess. 

He was pushing himself out of bed everyday, knowing he just needed to this a little more until he got to see you.

Then you came along like my own ray of sunshine, made me feel warm, safe, and alive again

And when he finally saw you waiting for him at the airport a wave of relief washed over him, it almost brought him to tears, to hold you tight against his chest, and to feel your warmth just made him feel complete again. 

“You’re gonna have to come with me next time I leave darling, I can’t be without you anymore”

[punkscowardschampions]

Chloé & James

Chloé: So Chloé: Where did you meet Emma? James: I have no idea who that is Chloé: Don't insult my intelligence James: I'm not Chloé: Then tell me where you met her James: why? James: what actual difference does it make Chloé: Of course it makes a difference Chloé: She isn't from 'round here, she has no mutual friends James: what you mean is, you don't know her Chloé: Exactly Chloé: so tell me Chloé: how the hell do you James: online, okay? Chloé: Perhaps a new level of tragic Chloé: So you hooked up Chloé: tell her to stop sending you stuff now James: I'm sure you already have Chloé: She's not responding James: maybe she's planning to ghost me first Chloé: This isn't funny, James Chloé: You at least had the decency to pretend to feel guilty before James: you had the decency to pretend to love our children before James: or at least one of them Chloé: You were testing me that night Chloé: that's hardly relevant to your promiscuity James: isn't it? James: I'm unhappy, Chloé, you make me unhappy Chloé: I'm not cheating on you with some bitch called Emma Chloé: I'm unhappy, I have right to be! James: because you don't like girls, not out of any loyalty to me Chloé: Ugh! Chloé: Stop it and stop it James: no Chloé: I swear to GOD James: I said no Chloé: It's not a request Chloé: you have to James: & you're going to follow through with that threat how? James: you're yet to stop me cheating Chloé: I could post these pictures James: if you want all your friends to know the ins & outs of our relationship, we can just have them over Chloé: You can't just Chloé: do whatever you want James: I know I can't & I'm not Chloé: What do you call this then? James: I'm still here Chloé: You have nowhere else to be Chloé: We have nowhere else James: how can you not care that I'd rather be anywhere else? James: with anyone else Chloé: I'm telling you to stop Chloé: How is that not caring James: because of your actual motivations James: it's never for the right reason Chloé: If you're doing this to make me fight for you or something Chloé: you need to get a grip James: that's the last thing I want James: how many times, let me go Chloé: Where, James? Chloé: Where do you think you're going James: I'd honestly rather live with my sister than you Chloé: Grow up Chloé: You have kids Chloé: they aren't going anywhere James: you go then Chloé: Oh I wish I could James: I'm not stopping you, the girls are fine here with me Chloé: Because I can just go without my kids Chloé: what would people say James: that you've finally done the right thing? Chloé: No everyone would call me selfish and a bad mother because I can't do anything without them attached to me James: & yet you never take them anywhere, so by that logic surely it's already being said Chloé: It isn't the same Chloé: I can't just leave James: you're saying that I should grow up but you won't do a single thing that's genuinely right by them James: this isn't going to last forever, you know Chloé: I look after them day after day Chloé: how is that not right James: that's me or your mother Chloé: you're just like her Chloé: always trying to make me feel bad about myself James: because you do bad things Chloé! Chloé: You act like I lock them in cupboards James: if you're not going to own up to what you've actually done, we have nothing really to say to each other Chloé: No this is a conversation about what you've done Chloé: stop trying to turn it on me James: okay, let's talk about me James: what exactly do you think is going to happen if I 'grow up' & fall for one of the girls I hook up with? Chloé: I've told you Chloé: you'll never see those kids again Chloé: if you make me look like an idiot James: you keep saying it like you can just make it happen Chloé: I could James: no, they're my daughters too Chloé: Are they James: yes James: you repeat that bullshit all you want, but my name is on their birth certificates, both of them Chloé: Why can't you just Chloé: this is our lives Chloé: you need to deal with it Chloé: you've got no other plan, no other options James: it's not the life I want for myself or for them Chloé: Well life isn't fair Chloé: you'll need to accept that if you have any hope of teaching them James: I'm not teaching them to accept misery James: for god's sake! Chloé: You live in a dream world James: you do if you think I'm staying here or letting them Chloé: What right do you to take them from me? James: what right do you have to threaten it when you don't even want them? Chloé: Because I have them Chloé: they aren't going to disappear and I don't get a clean slate James: I'm going to file for divorce, this has to end Chloé: No Chloé: no Chloé: I won't sign it or Chloé: whatever it is, I won't James: then don't, it won't just disappear either Chloé: You can't do this James: I have to, because I can't live like this Chloé: Jay isn't yours Chloé: I really mean it James: stop lying to me Chloé: I'm not! James: you can't say she's not mine every time you don't want her to be Chloé: Why would I just say her Chloé: I mean it, you do this and you will regret it James: because you know you can Chloé: don't believe me Chloé: it's your funeral James: prove me wrong, if you're so sure she's not mine Chloé: How? James: I'll spit into a tube or swab my cheek or however you wanna do it Chloé: If you think I'm going to let you divorce me Chloé: take my kids Chloé: and tell everyone I'm some kind of slut Chloé: no Chloé: this isn't happening Chloé: I'm not moving back in with my parents Chloé: I'm not sharing custody with you and ferrying them back and forth Chloé: this isn't the life I'm going to have James: take the flat, I'll talk to my dad, I don't fucking want it Chloé: You don't get to leave me! James: you don't get to stop me, not any more Chloé: No, I'll leave you Chloé: and I'll tell everyone you were abusive Chloé: I'm not being left James: I said, go then Chloé: James, I'm being serious James: you think I'm not? Chloé: I could ruin you James: how? Chloé: Like I said, I could say you were abusive Chloé: anything James: you've got no evidence, what are you going to try & do, punch yourself in the face? Chloé: I'll tell you, about Jay Chloé: then what will you do? Chloé: you can't leave her with me but you'll have to James: stop it, Chloé James: I'll leave with both of them Chloé: I could kill myself James: don't say that Chloé: Then stay James: I can't Chloé: What am I going to do Chloé: Have you even thought about me James: you're going to be their mother James: we can work out a custody agreement Chloé: I don't want to James: well, there are no other options Chloé: where do you think you're going to go Chloé: you have to have a place James: tonight, we'll go to my parents James: if you want the flat then I'll get another Chloé: this is ridiculous Chloé: I'm sick of talking about this James: so call me when you do want to talk James: I just said where we'll be Chloé: No Chloé: I won't let you leave James: call the police if you want Chloé: You really want that? James: of course not Chloé: I can't do this James: please just talk to me James: we can make a plan Chloé: No, we can't Chloé: I don't want them Chloé: you said it yourself Chloé: I'm not raising them even half of the week alone Chloé: I won't James: you only have to see them when you want, if you don't want to I won't force you Chloé: I don't know where I'm going to go Chloé: what I'm going to do James: I don't know what I'm doing either, but I know what I'm not going to do & that's this Chloé: I'm calling my parents Chloé: I'll make them talk to yours Chloé: make you come back James: Chloé James: we're not 16 Chloé: This isn't fair James: you're the one who said life isn't James: you're upset, call your parents if you like, but it won't make me come back Chloé: You were meant to look after me Chloé: and you haven't James: I know I've let you down & I'm sorry Chloé: No you're not Chloé: you wouldn't do it if you were James: I don't want things to be like this James: I'm sorry that they are Chloé: Then fix it James: that's what I'm trying to do Chloé: For yourself Chloé: not me James: this will be better for you too Chloé: Ha Chloé: My life is totally over James: Oh come on James: you've said repeatedly how unhappy you are & how none of this is what you want Chloé: I don't want you to leave me Chloé: I'm going to look so Chloé: I can't even think about it James: fuck social media Chloé: Divorced at 23 Chloé: No one thought it would work Chloé: and it hasn't Chloé: who'll want me now James: I don't know James: but we don't want each other & it's never worked James: we shouldn't have let things escalate this much Chloé: Why did you James: because I wanted it to work Chloé: because you love me Chloé: you must of James: because I love Jay James: & I love Matilda Chloé: That's not a response James: I don't love you James: I don't want to hurt you but that's the reality Chloé: At least you're being honest James: I've always been honest Chloé: No you haven't Chloé: I could've found someone who loved me Chloé: Instead I had to marry you Chloé: you've wasted my time James: I never told you I did Chloé: It's assumed Chloé: you don't just marry someone without loving them Chloé: fucking hell, James James: you don't cheat on someone you love or treat them the way we've treated each other Chloé: I accepted being unhappy about a month or two in Chloé: Who do you think you are Chloé: You can cheat, you can do whatever Chloé: that's how people cope Chloé: you don't get to make a fool out of me James: I don't know who the fuck I am because of you Chloé: Blame me for not having a backbone, go on James: I James: no, there's nothing worth responding to that with Chloé: She'll dump you too, you know James: even if that were true it still doesn't mean I'll want to be with you Chloé: Women want real men Chloé: you come crawling back when you're done with this whole charade James: this is the charade, us Chloé: yeah? and you fucked this up Chloé: what good are you for anything real James: I'll never find out staying here

[naturallytom]

sooo is there gonna be a part 2 of the fake dating au?? if so i'd love to be notified! no pressure though :-)

(im gonna write it here bc it’s easy)

part 1 - listen to this

After you left, Tom trashed his apartment. He hated himself, he hated that he hurt you. Dishes were broken, pillows were ripped and still, Tom felt no better. Collapsing against his bedroom door in tears, that’s where he stayed until he was disturbed by a pounding on his door. 

Groaning, he pulled himself up and over to the door, where he was greeted by a frantic Harrison. “Tom there’s been an- what the fuck happened here? A tornado?” He breathed out, his blue eyes scanning the disaster of an apartment. Tom rolled his eyes, not in the mood to talk to anyone. “What happened, mate? I was resting.” 

“In this mess? Sure you were. Anyway, there was an accident. A bad one. Y/N was hit by a car.” Harrison told him, seeing Tom’s eyes widen. “Is-is she alright?” He choked out, his heart sinking when Harrison muttered “we don’t know.”

Grabbing the shirt and shoes nearest to him, he made his way out the door, nearly knocking Harrison over. “Tom-Tom wait!” Tom turned around, still walking down the stairs. “I’ll drive.” 

Harrison and Tom sat in the waiting room, Tom’s elbows digging into this thighs, supporting his head. “Y/N told me she went to talk to you earlier. Did you two finally confess your undying love for each other?” Harrison joked, though he started taking it back when he saw Tom break down even more. “Woah woah woah man, didn’t realize it was a sensitive topic for you.” Harrison said, patting Tom’s back awkwardly as he cried. “I-I fucked up. This is my fault, Haz.” He sniffled. ‘No, no Tom this isn’t your fault. How could you fuck up telling her how you feel?” 

-

“You said what?? Tom what the hell?” Harrison groaned. “I know! I know, okay? I royally fucked up.” He responded. Before either of them could get another word out, the doctor came in saying they could go see you since your family had given permission for them to visit. 

If Tom’s heart was broken before, it was shattered when he saw you. You were unconscious, hooked up to machines all trying to keep you alive. “Doctor? Will she be okay?” Tom asked, seeing the doctor in the hall. “It’s hard to tell. She should be okay but it’ll be a long recovery. But we don’t know how long she’ll be unconscious or if she’ll have internal bleeding. Only time will tell.” The doctor said sadly, walking away. 

-

4 days went by and Tom didn’t leave your side once. He stayed, holding your hand, gently rubbing patterns into your hands and whispering small encouragements and apologies. 

“I’m so sorry. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t said what I said-this is all my fault. Please wake up, love. Even if you wake up and hate my guts and want nothing to do with me, which I would understand, please wake up.”

You woke up on the fifth day. Tom’s thumb was rubbing soothing patterns into your palm when your eyes fluttered open, noticing someone was there with you right away. Your gaze moved to Tom, pulling your hand away. 

“Y/N thank go-” “No one’s here, Tom. You don’t need to lie.” You muttered, groaning at the pain in your head. “I’m not…I’m not lying.” He sighed, looking up at you with puppy dog eyes. “I only said what I said because…because I was scared, Y/N. ‘M scared to admit to myself how I feel about you.” He whispered. “Yeah? And what’s that, Tom?” You spit, pressing the button to get the attention of a nurse. “Love. I love you, Y/N.” You scoffed, rolling your eyes. “Yeah. Sure you do. Please leave.” “Y/N-” “Out, Tom.”

-

You were discharged after 3 days, the doctor seeing that everything looked okay. Your mom brought you back to your apartment, where she settled you in and made sure you were okay to be on your own for a little bit before Harrison came over.

Waking to a knocking on your door, you made your way over to the door, only to be greeted by Tom. Rolling your eyes, you went to slam the door in his face, only to be blocked by his foot in the door. 

“Please, please, just hear me out. If you still don’t want anything to do with me then I’ll go.” He pleaded. you relented, letting him in. He took a seat on your couch, where you went to sit across from him, your gaze on the floor. 

“I love you and I know you don’t believe me and wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me. I said what I said because I was scared, I leave for filming soon and I was scared you’d just find someone better while I’m gone.” 

“I could never find anyone better than you.” You muttered, your eyes still on the floor. 

“Do you..think you could forgive me?” He asked gently, his eyes searching yours. You shrugged.

“I dunno. Not entirely convinced you actually love me. Pretty sure this is just pity because I got hit by a car after running out of your apartment.” You said emotionlessly. Tom winced, fearing for the worst. 

“But maybe, with time, I could believe you.” 

[crazycrackersworld]

So I've been back here in Arizona for about a month now had a lot of time to process things I'm going to try to start putting stuff up here again and just getting things out of my head.

So the first one of course I guess Sue. I still don't quite understand her mode of thinking and I don't think I ever will. When we first started seeing each other she talked about all these things that she always wanted someone to do for her or do to her you know and I listened and I tried to do all of those things and ultimately maybe it's not what she wanted?

I don't understand the hold that this Mark guy has over her how he's basically treated her like nothing but a fuck buddy for over a year and now all of a sudden they have a talk and she gives him an ultimatum and you know she decides he's her future I just don't understand how she's okay with the way he's treated her but there's nothing I can do about it so it doesn't matter if I understand it or not.

One of the last voicemails she left me said that a part of her will always love me. And I just don't believe it cuz I don't think she ever did love me I honestly believe in my heart that I was pretty much just someone she was with while she waited for his girlfriend to die of cancer. And hey you know maybe the two of them waiting for her to die of cancer before they hooked up maybe that's classy, maybe I'm wrong to think that it makes both of them horrible human beings.

I mean I have her blocked on everything the only way she can reach me is by leaving me a voicemail I guess if she sent me a letter or postcard but she ain't going to take time out of her day to do that. She's not going to love me forever she doesn't love me now when she told me she loved me 2 months ago she was lying when she had me fly back in February it was just to make him jealous I'm fully convinced of all of that.

I know many secrets dark secrets about her and I'll take them to my grave because it doesn't pay for me to throw that dirty laundry out there and you know there's enough people in the part of the world that she lives and it really don't have any respect for her and don't like her and I don't need to add to that list.

I'm doing my best to move on doing my best to move forward things have been good since I got back in Arizona trying to see where things with Jackie will go but I'm absolutely terrified of letting anybody in again. So things with anybody else will only go so far cuz I don't see myself fully trusting anybody completely again ever.

I do know that eventually I probably will move back to Wisconsin and when that day comes I mean I'd love to say that I'm going to move on completely over my feelings but I'm not I'm going to hit him in his face people can use these Tumblr posts as proof that it's premeditated I don't care I'm going to beat the shit out of him, and there's nothing he or anyone in his family or any of his friends or God Almighty can do to stop it. When I get my hands on him he's going to get hurt he's going to get hurt bad and he's going to get humiliated and I'll sleep fine that night. And she should probably just hope that my daughter never gets pissed off enough to go looking for her cuz that would probably be bad I myself want to punch her in her stupid redheaded face but I won't.

This is the longest I've gone in almost 5 years without having a conversation with her I'm not going to say it's been easy cuz it hasn't it's hard as s*** it's hard to think that somebody who wants told me that they were going to convince me to marry them could turn around and care so little about me that they just erase Me from their life but yet I'm supposed to think she ever had feelings for me.

So going to focus on my job this week I should be getting my third license I'm going to focus on spending time with this friend of mine and see where things go or maybe I'll meet somebody closer to here or I really have no clue I'm going to train for that 5K that I'm kind of run in January and I'm just going to try to move forward with my life. And I'm going to really try to start throwing my thoughts and my feelings and all of that back up here again and taking a month off and processing things really helped.

So just I guess stay tuned cuz I'm not done yet not by a long shot and for those of you who do read the crazy crap that comes out of my word hole thank you.

[conner-grace]

The Detective and his Little Assistant (part 4)

(Part Index)

Chapter 3: The Plot Thickens

*Warning spoilers if you haven't gotten through 6/13 in the game*

A/N-Before the chapter starts, I want to explain a couple things. First, I chose to make Kaito a witch because I identify myself as a witch, and yes, I do mean witch, not warlock, because witch is, in fact, a gender-neutral term, also due to me being a witch, everything Kito does involved with witchcraft will be based off my own experiences, knowledge, religion and opinions, so please don't tell me I'm wrong unless you can cite a reliable source for your info. Second, for those reading this, who don't know Japanese culture very well, calling someone by their first name without an honorific (-san, -kun, -chan, ect.) unless you know them very well, or they've given you permission, is highly offensive. Please remember these for future chapters :) .

Now to the story.

~~~

Monday, June 13th, After School

*Akechi's P.O.V*

I was listening to the audio data from the pen I downloaded to my phone on the way from the station to work. I was quite happy to see that it hadn't been accidentally turned off throughout the day, despite the likelihood for it to have. I was actually skipping past a bit that seemed to be a personal conversation between her and her friends, though I seemed to be the topic of their talk. If it weren't for my current opinion of Yuno, I might've even blushed at the direction the discussion was going, however, I was disgusted and just trying to get past it.

"Finally." I sigh, getting past it, not surprised that it took up all of lunch. Listening as she head's to pe. "Hmm, who should I ask for help on my homework today?" She either wonders aloud or asks her friends, judging by the steps I heard around her. Her friends offered up names. I quickly realized all the names were all from the top 10 students in the first and second years, 'but most of those kids would never-oh, yeah, blackmail'  I think, my gritting my teeth. 'Wait, thinking about it, not even Kaito-kun would've taken this lying down, so what's she got on him that he doesn't want me to know?'  I knew it as a little self-centered to think I'm the only one who mattered, but it Kaito had in fact told me that my opinion was the only one that mattered to him, and the teachers would never believe any bad rumors about him since he was the star student of nearly every class he was in. He also never cared what any of the students around him thought of him, except, after we became friends, for me. In fact, a couple months after we became friends and before I knew he considered himself a witch by his religion, a kid that that seemed to a rather bad opinion of Kaito-kun and said something about my friend cursing him or something like that. Kaito-kun seemed to not have even heard him, but then froze quickly looked to me, fear flashing through his eye like lightning before he hid it. I realized later he’d been worried about my reaction and trying to hide it. I'd ended up asking if he'd cursed our fellow student, and he'd replied he never cursed anyone, I'd then asked why out of curiosity, and he'd told me it was because cause he was selfish, and since he believed in karma, he didn't want the negative energy of a curse coming back to bite him later.

I felt an earbud pulling me out of my ear, snapping me out of my small trip down memory lane. "Oh don't worry, I've got something special planned for-" I heard through the other earbud as I paused the recording, knowing I'd have to relisten to it later after, hearing an annoyed sigh next to me that I knew belonged to Sae-san.

"Oh, sorry Sae-san. I got lost in thought it seems." I say with a practiced sheepish smile, pulling out the other earbud.

"I hope you know you were so lost in thought you nearly walked into the door." She smirks teasingly. "Maybe you should keep the music for your work-outs only."

"Guess so." I chuckle, remembering the few hours of music Kaito-kun had given for my birthday as well, that I'd put on my phone and started listening to during my early morning runs, and noticing I’d been only a couple steps from walking into the door.

"Well, let's go in then, we've got cases to get to." She smiles.

"Indeed." I smile, opening the door for her.

"Always the gentleman, thank you." She sighs with a smile, walking in.

"Of course, you're welcome." I smile, following in after.

***

Deciding not to listen to the recording until I got to my apartment, considering how I nearly walked into a door the last time I listened to it on my way somewhere. I was heading back to my apartment in the evening light, hoping Kaito-kun had actually taken the advice of my pre-scheduled messages telling him to go to bed…. even if I wasn't following my own advice. I smile, remembering where my mind had wandered before Niijima-san, and how it had ended. My mind started to drift back down memory lane, remembering how after he'd explained why he didn't curse people, he told me he'd actually reported the student for harassing a female classmate. He ran off to the bathroom after telling me that and it took a little while, however, over the next three days the problem student kept having the worst luck. One of the biggest scenes that spread around the school like wildfire, was the when girl he'd been harassing, who was actually quite sweet and quiet for the most part, slapping him across the face before admitting he'd been harassing her, causing him to get suspended. When he came back, he ran towards Kaito-kun and I at lunch, nearly falling on his face in the process, and yelled about Kaito-kun cursing him again, my friend seemed completely surprised and a little lost. Though after he left a sly smirk pulled at Kaito-kun's lips.

"I don't curse people, but I can enhance one's karma." He smirked under his breath, causing me to look at him questioningly.

"So, you had something to do with this?" I asked, though not quite believing he could.

"I'd like to think so. I mean, I did use a spell to make all he's done come back to him three times three." He smirked, snapping his fingers while saying the last word, the problem student tripping over his own feet and falling at the same time, causing his smirk to grow. "I was gonna leave it at the report and try helping the girl, but...he just kept pushing." He sighs.

I learned two things that day; 1: don't piss off the witch; 2: Kaito-kun wasn't all rainbows and shy smiles like I'd seen till that point and I'd even started putting a little more stock in mysticism and such. "I could report you." I smirked, mostly curious to see how he'd react, though not quite sure how that'd go. His reaction surprised me, his face fell slightly, though he tried to hide it as he looked down to his food and started playing with it rather than actually eating it. I'd expected him to just laugh it off, as he did with most things.

"I'd like to see how that goes down, with your rep, it might actually go a bit differently than the 20 or so other accusations." He smirked, though his voice was a little harsh.

"I-I said could, not would." I quickly stated, trying to back peddle out of this point in the conversation.

He’d pinched the bridge of his nose with an annoyed sigh. "Sorry, I'm overreacting, but you wouldn't be the first to report if chose to." He murmured.

"That's a bit obvi-"

"I meant the first I considered a friend to do so." He specifies with a sigh, making me freeze, realizing what the statement meant, 'he's...used to being betrayed, so when the possibility of it happening comes up, he immediately goes on the defensive'

***

I went straight to my computer after locking my door, hooking my phone up to it so I could better analyze and actually edit the recording so I could only keep what was actually important and discard what wasn't, 'like the first disgusting 30 minutes' I think, deleting that time from the file. Starting back at the beginning of Yuno's talk with her friends. "Hmm, who should I ask for help on my homework today?" I knew whoever she asked for help, probably didn't have an actual choice They talked for a few minutes, before settling on a female student who was 2nd place to Kaito-kun in his class, however one of the other friends piped up. "What about Kaito?" I froze, my worries confirmed that he was a target. I could feel my jaw tighten at the insult of them using his first name, especially without an honorific. "Oh don't worry, I've got something special planned for Kaito today." Yuno giggles, the rest joining her. My hand starts curling into a fist 'what the hell did you do?!' I mentally growl before skipping past, and deleting most the silence of the pe class until I heard Yuno talking to the girl she chose for helping with her homework. Judging by the girl's voice, I was right in assuming her victims at least don't feel like they had a choice in helping her. While she was heading to her next her next class, she told her friends about taping notes to Kaito-kun's locker 'so that's why he seemed a little off after school' I think, feeling the leather strain around my fist. Skipping past and deleting her silent work, stopping when I heard them starting on the notes for his locker, saying what they wrote mostly stupid shit, that had me grinding my teeth and wanting to punch them like 'fag', 'looser', 'freak', then I barely stopped my fist from hitting the desk with the last one, "you're lucky we're not dealing with Salem trails stupid witch". Forcing my hand to relax as I buried my head in my hands, knowing if I hadn't been wearing my gloves, my fingernails would be digging into my scalp right now as they continued.

"If that bitch used my pen to write that." I hissed, ending with a growl that many might've described as murderous as I continued listening, not even wanting to think about what else they might’ve done to him.

"Why not just go ahead and tape a picture of a vase of flowers to his locker Yuno-chan?" One of the friends snickered. "I can't do that, Kaito might freeze long enough for Goro-kun to see, or he might actually tell." Yuno giggled.

*SLAM* my hand hits the desk hard enough I might have actually bruised it hearing that. "Do. Not. Use. My. First. Name." I growled, wishing she could hear venom dripping from every word, wishing I could throttle both of them for that considering doing something like that was a way of telling someone to kill themselves.

"Why didn't you use his pen?" One of the friends smirk, causing me to sigh in relief. "Cause if he manages to find out, he'll never forgive me." Yuno sighs.

'Oh-ho-ho, we're way past no forgiveness bitch' I think with a dark chuckle, getting the last bit of evidence and wishing I had a punching bag in my apartment, as I get up and head to the bath to try and calm myself down enough to go to sleep.

 *Akira's P.O.V*

I had just got back to Lablanc after talking with everyone at the dinner, Makoto-san, third-year, and the student council president had figured out who the phantom thieves were.

"You're back-whoa, you look tired. Long day?" Sojiro-san asks from behind the counter.

'You have no idea' I think with a sigh, nodding my head to my caretaker while I was on probation. "Your day any better?" I ask, deciding to strike up some conversation.

"If slow is better, then yes." He says with a slight smirk.

"Heh, well then, guess I'll head up." I say, not having much else I could say to him.

"Actually..." Sijiro perks up slightly. "Do any students from Aoyama use the station as you?"

"Uh, yeah, Akechi Goro, we actually talked a little this morning too." I say, though figuring that wasn't who he was wondering about.

"No one else?" He asks, trying to seem disinterested...and failing.

I thought for a moment, before remembering the smaller boy that ran over to Akechi-senpai. "Yeah, actually, a boy, around my age, but a bit shorter." I answer, I definitely had Sojiro-san's attention, even if he was trying to hide it. "Akechi-senpai introduced him...Sasaki, Sasaki..." I trailed off, trying to remember his first name.

"Sasaki Kaito, he's short and rather shy?" Sojiro-san offers.

[squaredancing-weston]

text || Brobastian (Week 3)

Bas: I don't /need/ body heat - and I'm not really the snuggling type, Brodes. Using Blaine as a pillow isn't snuggling. It /would/ be sad if there was any pretence about it, but really, what's sad is the person that just can't own up to his own shit. Seriously, do you really believe the shit that you spout or is it one of those things where you know that you're lying but just cling onto the lie for dear life anyway? Because credit where credit's due - you're committed, I guess. Because some guy grinding against me and opening me up and getting me all worked up is really only going to make me more frustrated, don't you think? Although I really could've taken the orgasm. Either way, I'll be out of here soon, so this hell will be over. Aw, come on, give yourself some credit - I'm sure you could find a way to merge both styles - and lap dances really aren't all that hard to give. Admittedly most of my experience is contemporary dance, so it might be easier to merge for me, but I'm sure you can get creative with it. I can move just fine now, asshole - so, no, sorry to disappoint you - no falling at your feet any time soon.

Bas: But seriously - what's worth putting yourself through /that/ for? They could be the best blowjob-giver in the world (aside from me, of course) and I'd /still/ argue that it's not enough incentive to put myself through that torture. Yeah, well, once you put Tom Cruise in something, it really kinda ruins the whole thing, doesn't it? Shame - I actually /liked/ those books. I didn't say it was the /only/ version I'd seen, but I'm hardly able to go to a theatre right now, am I? Uh huh - I'm sure. Hey now - if you're stooping as low as Kurt for that kind of thing, maybe he's not so wrong about your fragile confidence. Don't worry, Brodes, you just need to find the one who'll love you for all of your imperfections. Just try not to be surprised when you wake up one morning to her singing something about a dream being a wish your heart makes as woodland creatures help her get dressed. Questionable sex partners? Man, you're really beating yourself up right now, aren't you?

Brody: Oh yeah-- I forgot. Blows my mind, honestly-- spooning is definitely a benefit to not sneaking out, gotta tell you. I mean, you're basically shifting straight from sleep to sex, and there's a willing partner right there. Best way to wake up, personal opinion.

Brody: [unsent] so what //is// it then? and does it matter if it's not Blaine? and why the hell am I even thinking about this. Moving on...

Brody: I told you, your ass is hardly the most impressive thing one I've ever seen-- I could name five attributes are preferred that I could find in //Lima// off the top of my head[txt] [unsent] four of them are still yours, but at least they're not your ass

Brody: Hey, the point was you're not getting relief either way-- personally I'd rather be an inch away than a mile, but that's your call. Maybe it's that whole better endurance thing I've got working for me. Well, in theory you're off bedrest Friday right? Or at least off antibiotics? So maybe you can convince someone to help you out then. I see-- and how cliche is my high-priced training going toward? I mean, is this like Magic Mike reenactment, or what? And I don't think you can give a lap dance to someone laying down-- that seems weird. Contemporary? Yeah, I can see you spazzing out on the stage like that. Did you learn to twerk too? Probably for the best-- I know how you value your face. I'd feel bad for accidentally kicking it.

Brody: Don't worry about it-- it's one of those "emotional" things that you get out of having a girlfriend. I'm sure you've watched it in a musical at some point, but it was worth the suffering. I don't know-- Leslie Nielson and Mel Brooks still made it pretty decent. You read Anne Rice? Wow, first Julie, now Anne. You surprise me Bas, I will admit. No, but there are recordings floating around online. Hardly ethical, but I didn't figure that was a problem for you, and, as you said, //anything's// better than Johnny Depp. Hey, it's not like you were offering hair braids and makeovers. Yes, I am damaged, and must go to Scandals to find guys to buy me drinks so I can hook up with a stranger for validation before sneaking out on them to prevent any risk of association or judgment-- oh wait. That's not //me//-- who is that?... Hey, I can think of a lot worse options than a Disney Princess with magical cooking and cleaning abilities. And I like singing and dancing, so we'll obviously get along great until she falls into a hundred year sleep or whatever. Hey, I actually think I'm probably the best you ever got, which, based on your constant criticism, makes some pretty nasty inferences about what you usually end up with. No wonder you have to sneak out XD