#i feel so undeserving
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in the bathroom at work desperately googling how to better show that you love and care for someone. i want to show it and know how to show it right. i don’t want to ask because i feel like that defeats the purpose. I need to figure it out and do it. because i’m obviously doing something wrong. i need to rea search love languages and how they interact with queer and autistic people. am i just doing the same Well I Just Thought That’s How You Do It when it comes to showing appreciation and love??? i don’t wanna keep doing that, but i also feel like if i have to ask how to show love that it won’t be as meaningful when i do that thing??? i don’t know maybe i’m just overthinking it. i am so anxious rn and im surprised i could do my job without my hands shaking too much. i don’t wanna hurt them. i wanna be a good partner. i am very u well right now and that’s no excuse, but i just wish i knew how to do better. maybe i didn’t say thank you for food yesterday. i should make sure to tonight. i just love them so much and i don’t wanna hurt them. i want to do what they need to feel loved. i feel like a fucking asshole and i don’t even know what i did wrong. i just wanna be right for them.
#i think i asked for too much last night#and i fucking knew it would be#but i selfishly asked for it anyway.#i feel like im a horrible person#and i don’t want to be#i want to be a good person for them#i just wanna be good#i’m so sorry#i’m sorry universe and sorry everyone around me#all this praise im getting at work feels disgusting#i feel so undeserving#if i can’t even be a good partner for someone#how can i be a good person???#idk idk i’m having a very weird time#i wish i could go hold them#and make them food#and do things for them#i think that’s one of my love languages#and i don’t think it translates well#acts of service is just… not what people want??? i don’t know???#making a sandwich isn’t as big as i think it is and i need to learn that#it has spoken
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a bunch of doodles to make up for my wips 👍
and dont forget your daily clicks!!
#i think ill take a break from social media in general so uhh goodbye??#its just that my following feels so undeserved. i want to fall in love w making art again without the pressure of an audience#hope yall are bearing better than me <3<33<3#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#shadow the hedgehog#sonic the werehog#sonadow#nov.aart#nov.oodles
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whadya mean he didnt tell you he loves you??? his eyes literally went soft when he looked ur way...
#bg3#wyll ravengard#tav#wyll x tav#paladin#baldur's gate 3#voltaical ocs#bishop#wyllll baby you are my ANGEEEEELLLLL#this scene rips my heart out i replayed it a few times to figure out some dialog#AHHHH i just wanna wrap wyll in a blanket and tell him how much i love him ;_;#also its sooo interesting that you need to persuade him to kiss you. i didnt do that in my original playthrough#cause it felt out of character for bishop#but it rlly plays into the headspace wyll is in like he feels so undeserving of love and affection#that hes not even THINKING of having a romantic moment with you#youre the one who has to bring it up#also im so sorry about my shit handwriting i am too lazy to redownload all my fonts onto my new computer and am enjoying lettering by hand#even if its atrocious
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korvo lost and farting 0 stars for you my boy
#solar opposites#solaropposites#korvo#tervo#did any of you guys read the interview where they said#they're never going to break up but he's constantly worried that Terry's going to leave him#Yeah.#korvo being so full of self loathing and feeling undeserving of happiness to the point where once he realizes the button was pressed#he was like Ah this makes sense. Surely this life is fabricated and terry doesn’t actually love me nor do i even deserve him#all my suspicions are true!#YEAH. HOLY SHIT.#and terry reaffirming his love for him oughh guys he loves him because he’s lame and stupid CALLBACK TO LOVING THE UGLY PARTS!! HELLO!!#korvo being so desperate in that episode to hold onto his family and his marriage NOT NOW KITTEN DADDY NEEDS A FUCKING CIGARETTE#and terry and korvo still falling in love in the alternate universe They would find each other in every universe bitch#korvo grabbing the what if box and burning his hands like holy hell
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I was forced to count how many total copies of ABM (and A&M) that i've sold (because my agency asked me to) and it nearly gave me a panic attack but I'm so intensely grateful for each book ever sold and I feel forever in debt to you all but it's also so so intensely overwhelming. how did this happen.
#i want to add that i feel deeply undeserving as well but i feel like that would be annoying to say#im so lucky and im so thankful#random time to blurt about how grateful i am but i never ever look at numbers so im really rattled#mine#thank you all again if i didnt make that clear
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i don’t think people realize how alienating and lonely it is to not have romantic interactions as a teen. Not that i think being in a relationship at that age would do me any good but it would make me feel more normal and less unlovable for sure
#but we live 😁 with the consequences 😁 like i’ve just been thinking as one does or#when i do it it’s terrible because this is something for a diary but i’m on tumblr#i know some of you might relate lmfaoo but it really fucks you up when everyone is in#relationship being a normal typical teenager and ur like so i’m so ugly undeserving of love etc etc#and also when your friends are like *can’t even imagine you with someone* okay awesome#now i’m like whatever i had fun but you do learn a lot about yourself and others in a relationship and i never had that so i feel so dumb#now at 25 likeee who has the patience now anyway. How is everyone i am gonna make some pesto for lunch#homemade pesto with sremuš spinach garlic olive oil and nuts#tt
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Makima, devils and self-fulfillment
Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?
The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:
"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)
So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time
She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"
~
The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.
Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.
And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans’ need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.
This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.
She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.
And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.
In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.
Devils and agency
Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.
Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~
But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?
And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.
We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.
Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.
Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.
Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.
#Fumi rambles#Chainsaw man#makima#analysis#meta#The goal is moreso me dropping thoughts than being flawless on every aspect of the lore so if and when i get things wrong b merciful….#Maybe her liking of control is why she remembers the ww2 authoritarian fascists. I don’t want to say the word jic for tumblr search#Pity is never a factor When mercy is a sign of a talentless actor#And as you grow its hold on your throat starts to falter And once you go beyond pure humanity's border#You will come back like a dooooog 😭#This’d be a different topic but. I don’t think makima likes denji as much as one of her dogs. If so i’d say it was in the moments where#she brought him to movies but even then….. i think she has more fondness for her dogs bc w denji it was indifference and derision#I love you please humiliate me / strip my dignity and laugh my honey#God. God i’m fine. I’m so okay about csm#Makima has a cryptic but strong sense of morals?? That doesn’t align with ours obvi but#‘Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life do they?’ What do you meannn what do you meannnnn#What is this contempt for denji. Does she see herself as moral or part of those that are city mice bc they’re undeserving of a calm life???#Maybe famine only feels fed on humans and their blood 🤔 or their fear. man idk idk idk idk but i wanna see more of her quirks#And before someone says ‘but every demon likes to drink blood’ power is especially fixated on it tho cmannnn#Did Angel lie when he said he liked seeing humans die?? Did his haunting thing become worse after meeting Aki?? Did he suppress it#because he feels like he doesn’t belong as a devil??? bc he’s suppressing his memories of the villagers he cared about??#Has he just been trying so hard not to care for so long. Passive bc he thought that’s all he could or should be#AGHHHHH#Spoilers#There’s a lot more i’d have liked to touch on like the popular theory that Makima was *raised* by the government#and i’ve seen a take that the ‘my friend at a farm’ thing is all euphemism from makima about her troublesome human killing job ykyk#but i think the phrasing is too literal and natural for that. The snow and soil talk everything. It’s a perfect allegory but it can be both
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i just have feelings about how gales good ending is becoming mystras chosen again and gaining her forgiveness and she just. gets away with putting him through hell for a year+ with his isolation and trying to figure out how to feed the orb and then consuming artefact after artefact all the while she could have stopped it at any point but she was too mad at him to even tell him the truth of it all. she just gets everything she wants in the end
#fray.txt#bg3 spoilers#i dont know.... i guess i dont like that his anti mystra ending is considered so bad u dont even get an epilogue with him#so u literally have to have him become her chosen again and gain her forgiveness to get anything good#when she is so undeserving of it..#and i dont really feel comfortable with him as her chosen#it is good to remember mystra was a mortal woman once because damn is she a petty spiteful bitch
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The yaoi is toxic and tragic as usual
#ninjago#garmaclouse#garmadon#clouse#suggestive#see the thing about garmadon is that he desperately needs to be loved but he feels incapable and undeserving of it#so uh. do with that what you will.#they were a little bit in love I think. or at least they fulfilled a need in eachother.#godddd the bitter rivals and lovers dynamic is just so sjjsjsjjsjanaklaksjhdhfhhfhghhdhdjskks
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in response to that last ask: i'm guessing the anon doesn't think hori deserves miyamura because she occasionally bullies him and can be emotional? at least that's some of the 'criticisms' i've seen of her- which is whack because some of us accept/show love through bullying. and also she's clearly a foil to how miyamura keeps his feelings rather quiet and tucked inside in comparison to how hori struggles to suppress her feelings and tends to wear them loudly
honestly this might be on me but T-T female characters punting their love interests into the stratosphere was so common in shojo anime for so long that i just mentally block it out now. i do agree that hori's generally more ""aggressive"" behavior is definitely meant to be a contrast to miya being so reserved that his classmates literally do not know a single thing about him, tho, and i feel like it's done pretty well across the series without ever seeming too cartoonish OR so mild that you really have to squint to see that they're foils. hori's not supposed to be a very nice person and has to let her walls down before she can fully embrace her 'show intimacy through bullying' tendencies, just like how miya has to grow and let down his defenses before he can start forming genuine bonds with the people around him. they're adorable and i fear i will never stop if i talk about them any longer.
#there's also something to be said for female characters who show any amount of aggression being immediately villainized#i just feel like one of the major plot points is that#both hori and miya have already written themselves off as unlovable/undeserving of love due to unchangeable parts of their personalities#and have to learn that they are both deserving of love AND capable of loving other people#so to look at hori and just be like 'she IS undeserving ACTUALLY and sweet innocent miya deserves better'#is kinda missing the point#but what do i know ig#my favorite character wasn't even hori OR miya#it was yuki#personal#streikoneko
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please. i need alastor with his hair up so we can see the side of his head. second set of ears or smooth flesh prairie?
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor ears#alastor's flesh fields#bc husk has the ears on top as well#but his head is shaped like a cat and he has all the fur so it works#but alastor is mostly human shaped when he wants to be and his face head is distinctly skinful#so.#like imagine he's uncomfortable or embarrassed by it because it's *yet another* physical difference that#invites the taunts and abuse and humiliation he faced in life (and is thus very sensitive about in afterlife)#he already faces being a PREY animal of all things#so. imagine. he always ALWAYS makes sure his hair covers the side of his head. in his twisted victim mind the lack of ears makes him#Wrong and Disgusting and Untouchable and A Monster (and not in the satisfying fearful way he enjoys)#so he pushes it away. doesnt let anyone learn about his ugly disgusting mutation because surely SURELY if they saw it...#he could lose everything he's worked so hard for. because who would fear him? who would respect him? who would bother looking in his#direction? he would just be another lowlife Freak undeserving of love and attention and— well#thats what he would tell himself. but then one day niffty's doing his hair like he sometimes lets her#and he's just enjoying letting her have her fun. kinda spaced out; mostly just enjoyjng the rare sensation of a touch he doesn't despise#it doesnt even register when she pulls his hair up (maybe into lil space buns or smthn idk) that it leaves his empty face on display for all#i can imagine angel being the most outwardly shocked. some loud exclamation that turns everyones attention to alastor and his earless face#just. everyone staring at him. and he realises. and he hates himself for slipping like that and oh no theyre going to hate him and tell—#— everyone and he will lose all that hes been working towards with the hotel and he is just. So. mortified. think shameful reactions:#averted gaze; flushed cheeks; figeting under their stares; or perhaps the classic deer-in-headlights look as he freezes in shock#just as he feels everything crashing down around him. the others get ahold of themselves and share their reactions too#shock; confusion; endearment (charlie would 100% do a big AWW/want to touch it); reassurances galore when they see him retreat into his mind#they tell him it's normal (he's in hell; no longer a human but a demon; everyone looks odd by some standard)#they tell him it makes sense (he's a deer after all). they tell him his appearance is nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is still#super intimidated and frightened by him ♡; that it doesnt change anything; that theyre sorry for whatever led him to believe otherwise
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tom is so funny bc he gets violently angry over the idea that greg might not like him but also he's pathologically incapable of believing that greg does like him
#and by funny i mean so so so sad#like similarly him being SUCH a romantic and loving Love as a concept but also feeling like he's a Bad Man undeserving of love#as it pertains to being loved back by greg in particular#tom wambsgans#tomgreg#tom#mine#meta
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I'm convinced by the way y'all are acting about it that these alleged AFAB transfems don't exist outside your brains - like all y'all are just vaguing and pearl clutching without mentioning or linking to a single instance of this alleged atrocity. Even if they did exist, just block them and be normal for fucks sake. I'm so fucking tired of seeing these same bullshit takes over and over, especially from nominally leftist queers...do better
#all birth assignments are coercive#intersex people exist#i can't find consensus on wether CAxAB was coined first by intersex people or trans people and frankly I dont care#it's irrelevant to the actual discussions and issues at hand#gendered society is shit and ass and we all have our own unique experiences with that which also overlap in meaningful ways#we can have terms for these experiences and discuss them and how to move forward#and we can even hold nuance for who exactly or to what varying degree a certain person qualifies for a certain label#but at a certain point we should just be talking about how transmisogyny is bad and intersexism is bad and TERFs are bad#and how we as a community can protect ourselves and each other from transphobia+intersexism+comservatism generally#but got damn it y'all are some of the most infightingy liberaly liberals i have ever met when you feel like it#just shut up forever if you have nothing productive to add#the conservatives see all of us as equally degenerate faggots who are all equally undeserving of life#so maybe worry about them instead of whatever random ass marginalized community or alleged term misuse you get worked up on next#the mushroom speaks
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“because he never accepts that it's never been about righteousness--it's about repentance.” except javert killing himself IS repentance.
well, it’s like 12 different things, because bro had gone days without sleeping and very little food and water and he already had low self-worth and kept asking the amis to kill him and just assumed he was going to die AND THEN valjean upended his understanding of the world and morality. he was really going through it & there are a lot of overlapping reasons for why he jumps into the seine.
but javert is like Number One Most Responsible guy in the whole story. taking responsibility is his Thing (forever bitter the musical doesn’t include the punish me monsieur le maire scene). how else, in his derailment, could he atone for his conceived misdeeds other than by handing in his resignation to god? in the brick he had already left a note urging his superiors to treat convicts at toulon better, which is another step in his repentance (and another crime the musical commits by not including it). jumping into the seine was another step.
honestly a lot of ppl who like the book think the musical was dead wrong to exclude him from the big heaven group sing, because it COMPLETELY undermines the themes of forgiveness and compassion threaded throughout les mis. like the musical was simply wrong lol.
This is helpful context! I am still finishing the brick, although I have fully read the abridged version, and that detail about the letter wasn't included, so I didn't know that occurred! (And thank you for the message--this is a long response but I'd love to hear more of your thoughts!)
I agree that Javert is certainly deeply distraught and remorseful; like you mentioned, his worldview is literally falling apart, and his actions reflect his mental state. But his death isn't really repentance--in the sense that it's not what God would have wanted. To me it reads like a Judas situation: a desperate realization of a huge mistake, and doing the only thing you think can make it right, namely, ending it all. That's the just punishment for someone so wrong, isn't it?
But true repentance, meaning the repentance that the Lord desires, is about changing your ways, not "paying a price." Had Javert really understood the beauty of Valjean's mercy (an image of Christ's, just as the bishop's undeserved mercy was to Valjean himself), rather than killing himself, he would have lived to also become "an honest man"--in heart. One who could forgive and understand forgiveness, for himself as well as others. One who could recognize that he is not The Law, that he can fall, but that he can also be "brought to the light." One who could accept that men like Valjean, and men like himself, CAN change, and be changed.
It's tragic to me because so much of "Stars," and his character in the book as well as the musical, is about wanting to be righteous, to rise above his birth and the sinfulness he associates it with. It's about wanting to please the Lord by his actions. But in his end, he shows he never understood what God really wanted from him, and that's where my original phrase comes in: not righteousness, but repentance. To live, and face the man you were, knowing it's no longer the man you are. That it's never been about what you've done or can do, but about what's been done for you. That's the Gospel that he could never fully accept.
To use another example you mentioned, that misunderstanding drives why he asks the Mayor (Valjean) to punish him--in his worldview, mercy is unjust, or at the very least, unfair. Evil must be punished; "those who fall like Lucifer fell" receive "the sword." But "as it is written," God "desires mercy, not sacrifice" (Matthew 9:13). God would have wanted Javert to live, and Javert couldn't see that, and that's why it's devastating to me. In his misunderstanding of the heart of God, he misses what would have set him free from the chains of sin he's always been trying to escape.
That's why he's contrasted with Valjean, who (though he carries guilt about his past till the end of his life) is eventually able to face it and confess what he had done to those he loves. He knew there was mercy to be found, if only it was asked for. Javert was too blinded by pride and shame to realize it, and so, while broken, he never was able to truly repent.
For that, you must go on.
#i have a lot more thoughts on this specifically as it relates to pride as javert's fatal flaw. that's what kept him from grasping it all#because fundamentally he believes what he does is what sets him apart as righteous. that's the symbolism of the brand: your deeds define you#so if it's actually been about mercy all along then he has been needlessly cruel when he thought it was righteousness#and all of his actions that he thought made him better have been for nothing. he's carried shame for nothing. been a slave for nothing#les miserables#les mis#inspector javert#responses aka the ramblings of my brain#my meta posts#meta#kay can i just catch my breath for a second#no actually i'm still not done just needed to interrupt for the search tags etc.#shame is only possible where pride is present#that's my hot take. if javert had been truly totally humble he would not have killed himself. he would have accepted the gift of life#which is the same gift we are given in christ!! and that's honestly why it isn't repentance because the whole thing is a christian allegory#his suicide shows that he still regards himself as judge. he determines the punishment#and in his song the lyrics are full of things like 'damned if i'll live in the debt of a thief' 'i'll spit his pity right back in his face'#he is too prideful to accept the gift that christ has given: salvation UTTERLY unearned and undeserved. through grace alone#narratively he represents the Law (old covenant) in christianity and those who still choose to live under it#romans 3:20 says 'therefore by the deeds of the law shall no flesh be justified in His sight: for by the law is the knowledge of sin'#but valjean represents one saved by the new covenant. who can see that his 'righteousness is as filthy rags' (isaiah 64:6) and is redeemed#and that is why ultimately from a narrative perspective valjean has salvation and javert does not#not that javert did not see his wrongdoing but that he could not look past his own 'righteousness'#anyway this was all very christian-info-dump but the book is too so i feel it was justified 😂 but that's my interpretation#would love to hear more thoughts if you have them!! i truly hope this didn't come off as combative bc i mean it super genuinely!#kay has a party in the tags#kay is a musical theater nerd#kay is a classical literature nerd
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hey fam
well :/
didn't want it to come to this, but here we are
here's the situation: i've been out of work for two weeks (so far) bc of my rapidly deteriorating mental health, which i finally, finally have worked up the courage to seek treatment for. i'm expecting to be out of work for at least another couple weeks while i adjust to my meds, and all of that time is. unpaid. i'm applying for short-term disability rn but a) that's not gonna cover all my lost wages and b) it's not gonna come through for a while, and in the meantime i have uhhhhh bills to pay. also a kitty to feed. also a me.
sooooo
paypal.me/wonderbound
if anyone is able to throw a few bucks my way it would be incredibly appreciated. any little bit helps, seriously. and if not, that's okay too! absolutely no pressure at all. but things are getting pretty dire and i'm trying to be better at asking for and accepting help when i need it, so. yeah.
#personal spewage#this has been an original post#hate doing this#feel terrible doing this#feel so undeserving#but i know people are nice#and people want to help#and i know *i* don't think other ppl who ask for financial help are selfish or lazy or undeserving#so it's only reasonable to assume others feel the same#anyway
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I genuinely think Adam Neyland hates Moxxie and I have no idea why Vivzie let's him insert it into the show so much
#helluva boss critical#seriously if i was a showrunner id fire someone who blatantly hates one of my leads so much#his humiliation feels so undeserved and its like#am i supposed to laugh at this?#am i meant to find this funny?
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