#i feel so consistently surprised that Sex Real and my friends not only know that but some actively participate

[autistic-shaiapouf]

So very funny that I wasn't raised religious but still have a weird puritanical knee jerk response to sexuality or sexual expression

[hannieehaee]

TOO MUCH

18+ / mdi

summary: after a few weeks of constant overtime work slouching over a desk, you feel as if your back is about to give out on you. fortunately for you, your best friend seungcheol is a professional masseuse! unfortunately for you, you're unsure of how you'll keep your crush on your best friend at bay while on his massage bed, ass up and oiled up.

content: masseuse!seungcheol, friends to lovers, pining (act surprised), touch-starved reader, inexperienced reader, very uninformed view of what being a masseuse is like oops, afab reader, smut, fingering, oil is involved, oral (f receiving), penetrative sex, etc.

wc: 7.9k

a/n: as someone who's had horrible back pain ever since i was a child, this is based on mostly real events </3 also not 100% proofread

masterlist

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Your back was killing you.

It had been weeks since you'd gotten some proper rest, having made the terrible decision to take on some overtime at work, not knowing that your supervisor would get so used to the extra help she would continue to schedule you more hours week after week, thus destroying your back in the process. You knew that you could simply say no, but the extra money was helpful. You had wanted to start saving up a little more so you could finally move out of your shitty neighborhood, so the situation kind of worked out. The money would also go to paying your student loans, meaning you really couldn't miss this chance for an increase in income. It was kind of a win-win situation, except your poor back was the sole loser.

Your job didn't involve too much movement, no. It was mostly office work, which required you to sit on your hunched back for 10 hours per day, only allotting yourself for three quick 15-minute breaks and a 30 lunch break in which you would still be hunched over as you ate. You knew it was a bad habit, but sitting there for so many hours, you'd forget to sit up straight as you looked into the computer screen, and even if you fixed your posture while working, your back was just not built for standing still for such long periods of time. There was really no saving your back from its stiff fate at this point. These work hours also didn't allow you time to even work out or stretch in order to keep your body at least a little active and maybe prevent your pain a tiny bit.

Your best friend Seungcheol constantly scolded you over your bad posture. It wasn't like you actually had bad posture, okay? You weren't constantly hunched over, nor were you carrying all your weight on your shoulders. This was a recent development resulting directly from your increased work hours. But Seungcheol, being a masseuse, always noticed the slightest changes in your physique, claiming he could spot a sore back from a mile away, with yours being a very obvious case. He could notice your head standing a little lower, digging into your shoulders more and more as the days went by. He also took notice of your constant wincing and your futile attempts at rubbing your own shoulders whenever the soreness got too annoying.

He pitied you, really. He hated seeing you in pain. Being your best friend, he felt it as his duty to try and relieve it in any way he could. On top of having most of your free time being taken over by work, he hated to think that you were also in pain during the few hours you spent away from the office. He had communicated all these concerns to you over the past few weeks, trying to convince you to let him give you a massage in order to relieve the pain, but you'd consistently refused. He was unsure as to why, and being denied a proper reason made him want to keep on insisting until you finally allowed him to rid you of your discomfort.

"One massage won't fix my issues," you'd argued over and over again. To which he simply responded by saying he could just give you a standing appointment every week! He was very insistent on helping you, wanting to relieve you of at least some of the pain. But you were even more insistent in denying him. You were too busy to use up the little bit of free time you had going to the spa Seungcheol worked at. You also didn't think a massage would really be the ultimate solution, despite how badly your sore shoulders begged for relief. Yeah, sure, a massage might alleviate the pain for a bit, but it would simply come back after another week at the office. That, and the fact that the spa Seungcheol worked at was only open during your work hours, meaning you'd have to either haul ass over there during your thirty minute lunch, or take time off. Both were huge no's to you. There were just far too many reasons as to why not take him up on his offer, you argued both to him and yourself. But you knew these were simply excuses. Your main reason had been something you'd kept deep within yourself. You were starving for his touch, but scared of how your body would react to it.

You were generally an averagely touchy person with friends and family. Not overly touchy, but arguably an appropriate amount. It had only been a little over a year or so since you'd begun to feel a bit strange at the lack of intimate touch you'd experienced thus far in your life. While all your friends had experimented and had fun during college, you were a little shier and more reserved, rendering you a bit behind the rest of the herd in that area. It wasn't very noticeable to all. It wasn't like your friends were aware about how sexually frustrated you'd grown over the years due to your lack of experience, but you'd still tried to keep it a secret how unaccustomed you were to more intimate forms of physical touch. Even something as innocent as a massage from a friend. You'd be as touchy as any friend would expect, but still felt a slightly strange sensation when it came to any mention of more intimate activities. You'd somehow grown used to a lack of touch, despite being best friends with the touchiest person alive. You usually avoided being too physically affectionate with Seuncheol anyways, having harbored a small crush on him when you'd first met and wanting to avoid any of your emotions getting in the way of a friendship you treasured so much. You'd known that a massage from the man would be a huge nono, all things considered, which was where all your denials stemmed from.

You had been friends with Seungcheol since college. You had both shared a major, meaning that you kept bumping into each other day after day, attending almost all the same classes freshman year. You had taken a quick liking to each other, befriending one another almost immediately. Despite having had a crush on the man at first sight, you were content with the friendship that had blossomed instead. You'd even ended up joining Seungcheol's little friend group, being friends with most of them even to this day. This unexpected closeness during your first year led you to coordinate your schedules the following three years, thus seeing each other literally every day you were on campus. Even now, having recently graduated college, you were still best friends, meeting up constantly. Despite sharing a major, you both had ended up in drastically different places after college. You had gone for the corporate route while Seungcheol suddenly developed a passion for physical therapy, eventually becoming a massage therapist. At the time, however, he worked at a luxury spa downtown, being known as one of their best masseuses and singlehandedly earning the establishment an increase from a four-star rating to five stars just from the quality of his work alone.

You had visited Seungcheol's work before, quickly deciding it just wasn't your vibe. The place was nice and perfectly polished, but upon seeing a few of the masseuses' skills in action, you realized it'd be better for your friendship if you avoided such intimate contact with one another. Yes, you knew massages were not inherently intimate, but being oiled up and felt up by someone who was as close to you as Seungcheol just didn't ring like a good idea to you. It also didn't help that the massive crush you had on the man in college seemed to be resurfacing as of late. You believed to have gotten over it a few months into senior year, but you didn't want to risk reviving it under any circumstances.

However, despite your constant rejections, Seungcheol continued to beg you to let him take care of your problem, and denying him was something that pained both you and your back. So you now found yourself with two issues; back pain, and a very pouty Seungcheol.

"Fuck, my back is killing me," you repeated for the millionth time in the past five hours since you had woken up. You had intended to enjoy your rare day off, even waking up a little earlier than intended so you could make plans with your roommates, but your plans quickly died on you as soon as you woke up, body stiff as a rock and your soreness worse than ever.

"We get it! You're in pain. So go do something about it!", whined your friend Seungkwan in return, not even bothering to look at you from his phone, "It's bad enough I had to cancel my plans to stay here and take care of you. Just go get oiled up by Cheol and stop making this my problem!"

If there was anything Seungkwan was, it was direct. He was right. Your pain was getting out of hand. And the longer you waited, the worse it would get. Except he didn't know about your calamity to its full extent.

"Listen, I don't even have the money to afford his fancy spa. Have you been there? One day is worth a whole day's pay!"

"Please. It's Seungcheol. He'll get you in for free. Hell, he'll even pay you to go."

"I don't have time to go!", another excuse. A few more and Seungkwan might even begin to crack the code behind your insistent refusal.

He suddenly straightened up from his laid-back position, staring directly in your direction, "All the solutions are there. You're the problem. It's like you want to be in pain! I could literally call him up right now and he'd drop work to come help you. Just get the damn massage!"

This is how a lot of your conversations went lately. Well, the very few conversations you could have nowadays due to your heavy workload. You'd occasionally even have to bring work home even after having been there for half the day. Your eight hours of sleep a night were not even pleasurable anymore, as you felt stiff as a rock the moment you attempted to lay down. The only comfortable stance, ironically, was hunched over in front of a computer. It was like you'd frozen into that pose, feeling immeasurable pain any time you attempted to move any other way. You'd tried pilates, stretches, yoga. Nothing worked. Maybe Cheol's massage really was the only solution, but it'd been so long since you began denying him you now felt a little silly going back on your word. That, and your other obvious issues.

"I'll be fine, Kwan! Just leave. You don't have to take care of me, I just need to lay for a bit."

"You'll lay there all day, I know you. Your life's become a constant state of sleep and work. Maybe you should just quit," he suggested, seemingly moving on from the Cheol topic. Finally.

"Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how much debt I have to pay off? I don't wanna be paying this off for the rest of my life. I'd rather suffer for a few years now and just get it out of the way," you reasoned, although not sounding very reasonable even to yourself. What's the rush?, a voice in the back of your head would sometimes whisper, but you'd just ignore it.

"Fine," he tsk'd. "Rot in your own misery, I'm going out with Kyeom and Soonie. If I come back and you've morphed into a rock, don't say I didn't warn you," and with that, he announced his departure, going forward with the plans you had made with your friends before your back had gotten in the way.

You knew your friend was kidding, but the unbearable pain would sometimes have you wonder. Should you just go to Cheol? What was the worst that could happen of you just let him touch you? His touch would be purely platonic, you were sure of that. But you feared that it would rekindle your feelings even more, and maybe that your high-strung self would not be able to handle such touch from him without finally snapping.

You were weak. This wasn't much of a secret among your friend group, or anyone really. Which is why you now found yourself walking through the doors of Seungcheol's spa. You had spent about an hour rotting in your own misery, as Seungkwan had put it, before deciding to power through your pain and drive down to where you knew Seungcheol was currently working a shift. You hadn't called him, not wanting to give him the wrong impression. You weren't planning on booking a massage today, no. You couldn't have even if you wanted, knowing that the spa Seungcheol worked at was a bit renown in town and that their bookings went weeks back. You had just wanted to give it another try. Maybe visual learning would convince your stubborn self to accept Cheol's help for once.

You entered the establishment, already knowing exactly where to go to find out about Seungcheol's whereabouts. You walked to the receptionist, opening your mouth to ask for assistance before being rudely interrupted.

"Sorry. We're booked for the day. Our next open bookings begin in December. Try again then," the conversation had ended before it began, causing you to close your mouth right back up.

Once more, you opened your mouth to speak, maybe respond in equally passive aggressive tone as the girl had, but you were rudely interrupted once again, except this time it was by a warmer, more welcoming voice.

"Y/N? What are you doing here?", you could not see him from your angle, needing to turn around to face the source of the sound, but you could instantly hear the smile in his voice, clearly both happy and shocked to find you here of all people.

You turned around, now facing the boy. He was wearing his usual 'uniform', which really just consisted of some tight black slacks and a matching black short-sleeve top tucked into his pants. You'd forgotten how well his uniform fit him. It must've been one of the reasons why his massages were rated so high, you thought.

"Hey, Cheol ..." you smiled awkwardly, having been caught off guard by the man. You'd meant to surprise him, not the other way around.

"I wasn't expecting you. Did you call? Did you make an appointment?!", his eyes widened at the possibility, looking past you and at the receptionist as if to confirm his inquiry.

"No, Cheol. I told you I didn't want a massage. I came to see you, actually," well that was half true. You had wanted to see your friend in his element, maybe even convince yourself of finally taking him up on his offer. You had just wanted to see if you could handle that type of touch from your best friend considering your situation (re: a recovering case of touch starvation with a mixture of 'I might kind of maybe still have a bit of a crush on my bff').

To be completely honest, you were somewhat afraid. You'd hadn't felt any form of intimate touch in a long while or, well, ever. And to have it come from your best friend would only open up a can of worms you had wanted to keep under lock and key ever since meeting the man. Every excuse you'd given thus far to reject him bad been true, but had also been just that; an excuse. You knew that Seungcheol's treatment would help you lessen an issue that had now grown past your own personal ability to manage on your own. Which is why you were now here, willing to give it a try. You had self control, right? What was the worst that could happen if you let your best friend get his hands on you, your bare back as he rubbed it with oil? You'd deal with the logistics later, now you just wanted to see exactly what your friend was offering you.

"Me? What's up?", he had begun to walk you towards his rest area, away from the mean receptionist as he continued conversation with you.

"Well, I, uh, I was thinking about your offer ..."

"Really?! You wanna do it? I can clear up my schedule! Just let me talk to Stacy real quick and-"

"Cheol!", you had to physically hold him back from walking back to the reception to rearrange his day. He seemed way too excited to help you out.

"I haven't decided yet, Cheol. I was just thinking, well, wondering if it'd be okay for me to maybe shadow you for a while or something? Just to see what it'd be like?"

To any outsider you must've sounded like an idiot, somehow worrying over something that was arguably the most relaxing experience a person could possibly have. Ironically. What people didn't understand was the effect Seungcheol could have on a person. Specially a touch-starved, heavily emotionally invested, weak individual such as yourself. Denying your crush on Seungcheol was really the only defense you had left at this point. You could admit to your fears of being touched by Cheol, chalking it up to your lack of experience at being touched in general, but you could not even admit that your crush had maybe, perhaps, possibly, creeped back up a while back. It didn't help that no one you knew was aware of your sensitive state when it came to intimate contact. This was intel you hadn't even let your best friend in on. Maybe if it had been someone else, you would've accepted the massage already. You knew it didn't have to be an intimate interaction, it was just the fact that Cheol would be doing it that made it seem that way to you. But you knew his feelings would be hurt if you denied him and went to someone else. You'd dragged it out for far too long, making such a simple thing way too complicated.

~

Cheol easily agreed to your request, seemingly excited to even have you around his workplace at all. It was cute, really. He let you know that his next booking would start in ten minutes or so, so you waited with him during his break. Despite not receiving a massage for yourself, he provided you with a robe to change into due to the humidity most of their rooms tended to have during a session.

"Are you sure it's okay that I'm here? Won't the client mind?"

"Nah. She's a regular, she tends to forget her own name five minutes in," he winked at you. Well, that was reassuring ..

The massage began soon after. The woman, probably in her early 40's, walked in, gave Seungcheol a friendly greeting and proceeded to lay down, barely even acknowledging your presence in the back of the room. Cheol gave some weak excuse of 'she's in training, just showing her the ropes' to justify your presence, earning an uninterested hum in acknowledgment from the woman before she had begun taking off her robe and gotten on the bed in preparation for her awaited session. She was't fully naked but had very thin underwear on, meaning you could practically see every detail from her back. Her face-down position gave you a perfect angle to her almost-bare ass as Seungcheol prepared the oils he had set on the table beside him. There was also some incense burning in the room, along with some steam to help with ambience.

The massage began very slowly, allowing Seungcheol to deliver very soft touches as he spread the oil around her back. He even went as far as the back of her legs and ass, reaching as far as her feet. The first few minutes simply consisted of him spreading the oil around. You hadn't known Seungcheol gave full body massages til now. Before having started the session, Cheol had told you 'Pay close attention. This is what I'll do to you when you agree.' Had he meant he'd be running his hands up and down your entire body? The thought made you shudder, almost missing the show in front of you.

His next movements were harsher, but in a clearly pleasurable way. He began to knead roughly at the woman's shoulders, making her groan at the pleasurable pain. He did this for a while, clearly having found a point of tension in that area. His thumbs focused on specific areas of tension that you were familiar with; the same areas you'd known your back had knots in. Even just seeing it made the sore parts of your back beg for release of tension. When he moved on, he targeted the upper center of her back, just below where her breasts were located on the opposite side of her body. He rubbed at the sides, sliding his hands up and down the length of her back as he massaged expertly. He continually used the extra strength of his thumbs to pressure and rub at the sore spots. He didn't even have to ask where it hurt, it seemed like he could just detect it on his own. This was clearly exerting the woman, as she moaned and sighed at the feeling of Seungcheol's hands on her. It was clearly exerting Seungcheol too, who was letting out groans from his own efforts.

You imagined yourself in her position, wanting to be the sole receiver of his touches and sounds. You felt ashamed, but the act was making your body heat up. You knew it was purely innocent, and with the purpose of relaxation, but you couldn't help yourself. You wanted to blame the humidity in the room, or maybe the cozy material of your robe, but there was only one culprit; Choi Seungcheol. You had been right to believe that his touch would be your undoing. Simply hearing him was enough to make you lightheaded. You had lost track of where the massage had went, only thinking about the man in the room now. You cursed your vivid imagination for the images it was putting in your head just at the mere sounds coming from your friend.

The massage continued for a while, eventually sending the woman into a deep slumber. Cheol kept re-applying oil to her back throughout the session, even lowering his hands all the way to knead at her ass and the back of her legs during some points. That made you extra lightheaded. Not just at the thought of Seungcheol touching you in the same way, but knowing he'd have the magic touch able to release the tension trapped all over your back. You couldn't blame the woman for the sounds she made or the way she fell asleep due to the pleasure. You could only imagine your own reaction at Seungcheol doing the same to you. Even just seeing the way he rubbed at the skin had your back aching for the same release of pressure from the tightest spots on your back.

You were still slightly affected by the time the woman had woken up and left, leaving you and Cheol alone in the room, promising Seungcheol she'd be back soon as she exited. He approached you with a smile, clearly proud of having shown you his skills in action.

"So, what did you think?"

"I, uh, you're really good, Cheol. I'm surprised."

"Surprised? I've been telling you I'm the best for months! C'mon, there's no way you don't want a massage after seeing that," he rebutted, smirking with confidence.

You remained silent for a second, pondering as to whether or not you should move forward with this. He was right. He was clearly talented at it, and he really just wanted to help. Your aching back was begging for it, and so were the other aching parts of your body. But you didn't know if you could hold back without embarrassing yourself at your best friend's hands on you in such an intimate way.

Your best friend must've taken notice of your silence, speaking up again, but in a more serious yet sympathetic manner.

"Listen. I know you can be a bit .. shy about these things. If it helps, we can just set up at my apartment? I have a massage bed there too! It would just be the two of us. C'mon, what do you say?", he gave you puppy eyes as he usually did when asking for something.

He was always hard to deny. And in this vulnerable moment, with your back begging for relief and your body aching for his touch, you weren't surprised when you found yourself muttering a 'yes' in affirmation.

A few days passed. You and Cheol ended up having to coordinate your days off. It had actually been almost a full week until you were able to see each other again, which for you meant yet another week of grueling pain you had to put up with. You were really beginning to consider putting an end to the overtime you'd been working. Maybe after the massage you could begin to work less hours in order to lessen the pain. Maybe even take Cheol up on his offer of getting a standing appointment to lessen the pain more and more and prevent it from coming back again. It was something to think about. But now you had better things to worry about. Those things taking form in the man standing on the opposite side of the door in front of you.

You had agreed on today, a Saturday night, in order for you to come to his apartment and receive the dreaded massage. Cheol had worked all day today, which made you feel a bit bad about making him basically step back into his work duties but this time at home. He reassured you it was more than fine, reasoning that you'd worked all week and he had just wanted to work around your busy schedule. You appreciated his efforts to work with you, having always known Cheol to put your comfort before anything else. Which was yet another reason why you felt badly at receiving this favor from him. To anyone else it might've just been a massage, but you knew that to Cheol this was a service he was used to getting paid for, a talent which he put effort into. You felt like both like a leech and like a source of annoyance due to this whole ordeal.

You put all your thoughts aside and knocked on the door, knowing it was now time to forget about all your worries and just let Seungcheol take care of you. He opened the door almost immediately, almost as if he'd been waiting on the other side of it, ear against the door while your internal monologue went off in your head.

"You're here!", he smiled widely at you, ushering you in.

"You invited me, Cheol. I wasn't about to ditch you."

"But you thought about it, didn't you?", he kinda had you there. You did consider it, but you knew your best friend would've tracked you down sooner or later anyways.

"Listen, I know you're nervous, but there's nothing to be nervous about! I'll take care of you. It won't be awkward, I swear," despite having never told him of your lack of experience with touch, you always assumed he had some idea of it. He didn't know the full story, though. Not about the fact that your issue with the massage was being touched by him; the former source of your desires.

"It's .. it's fine, Cheol. I'm not nervous, I promise. Just don't know what to expect, that's all."

"I'll guide you through it. I set out the massage table for you in my room. I have the oils ready too. Oh! Did you bring a bikini to change into?"

Right. Last time you spoke he had asked you to bring either a bikini or some comfortable underwear. He's said something about needing your body as nude as possible ('within your comfort zone!', he'd quickly added) in order to give you a full massage. He also said the oils he used had a tendency of staining and leaving their strong fragrance on most fabrics. It was usually spa policy to provide customers with robes and such for their sessions, but being located in his home at the moment, he'd asked you to just bring your bikini directly.

You didn't feel any type of way about this, surprisingly. Having known Seungcheol for years, he'd seen you in a bikini as many times as you'd seen him shirtless and in very tiny swim trunks. The one thing, however, was the thought of him touching your bare skin, but it was too late to back out - not that you wanted to anyways.

"Y-yeah, it's in my bag. Did you wanna start right away or ..?"

"Yeah! Go get ready and I'll start preparing the oils for you. I'll also light some incense for ambience," and with that, he left you alone in the living room so that you could change without interruption. He went into his room to prepare things, closing the door to allow you some privacy.

You had chosen your skimpiest bikini. Not for any inferior motives! But because you knew Cheol needed access to your bare skin as much as possible. Your lower lower back had been killing you lately. Even more so than your shoulders, due to sitting all day every day. So you wanted to give him room to take care of that without any clothing getting in the way. You hastily got changed, deciding that you'd already waited long enough and that it was time to get this over with.

'Are you ready?", you heard Cheol ask from his room a few minutes later.

Ok, it was time. Anyone else would've been ecstatic at the thought of their crush rubbing all over their body, or at the idea of a free full-body massage. But you were too high-strung for your own good, which only increased your anxiety over the whole thing. However, you were now here, almost in the nude, only one door away from the man who would rid you of your pain and replace it with pleasure.

You stepped into the room without verbalizing a response, immediately meeting eyes with an expectant Cheol, who was organizing his oils as he awaited your arrival. He'd outdone himself, really. He had lowered the lighting in the room, lighting a few candles and some incense in order to turn up the spa ambience. The place smelled divine, and even the temperature was perfect. You could already feel yourself getting relaxed.

"Cheol, holy shit. This is too much. You didn't have to go so out of your way. This looks like an actual spa!"

"Only the best for my best friend," he gave his gummy smile in return, eyeing you as he directed you towards the massage table that was standing in the middle of the room. "You ready?"

"Yeah," you breathed out, accepting his stretched hand as he helped position you on the table.

He laid you face down on the table, but with your head turned to the side, as to not squish your features against the flat surface, "Try not to think too much, yeah? It'll feel so good, I promise. I'm gonna get rid of all tension in your body," the way he'd said it sounded promising, almost hinting at something more.

Without much warning, he began to softly run his hands up and down your body, going from your shoulders all the way down to your calves, almost as if sizing you up in order to come up with a game plan for your massage. Even that feather-like touch had you flinching a little. You'd never been caressed like this before.

"Shit, you're very high-strung. Even more than I thought," he chuckled in response to your body's reaction to such light touch.

"Cheol ..." you whined.

"Sorry. I'll start now, okay? You're gonna feel a little warm in a second. I'm gonna oil you up so it's easier for me to massage you, yeah? I picked my favorite scented oils for you."

You were thankful for the warning, because the warmth you felt immediately after made you swoon internally. You almost moaned out loud at the feeling of his hands lightly rubbing the oil all over your body. You were already affected and he hadn't even begun. It didn't take him long to actually start, however. He began with your neck, almost wrapping his hands all around it, but not closing them in on it. His thumbs were focusing on the lower part of the back of your neck, rubbing at spots you hadn't even realized were that sore.

"You're so tense, Jesus Christ," he was right. You could feel instant relief at his touch, pressing your body further into the soft material of the cushion of the table in pure relaxation.

He rubbed that area for a while, seemingly trying to target the knots located there. He then moved onto your shoulders, beginning to rub a little harder. He began to dig his thumbs into the problem areas, going extra hard at any points of tension. With this extra strength, also came his vocalization of his efforts. His groans of exertion began to fill the room, making you feel even more lightheaded than the massage itself.

"Shit, Baby. You're so fucking tight here."

The wording itself was killing you, but the way he touched you while doing it made you melt into the table, afraid you'd begin to vocalize your pleasure through the form of moans or whines. So far you'd been able to get away with soft breaths and maybe a gasp or two. But you knew that the moment you let go, you wouldn't be able to control the way your body would react to his touch. You were slightly terrified of what would come the lower he went down your body.

Then he threw you yet another curveball.

He leaned down, halting his movements for a moment, and put his mouth a few inches from your ear, "I can feel you tensing up. It's okay, I'll take care of you. You can relax for me."

You saw that as a green light to let go, whining a tiny 'uh huh' in response as he continued his movements.

He went lower and lower, now rubbing your lower back; the area right before the slope of your ass began, but he was quickly approaching it. Every area he had touched so far, he had undone. You felt like your back had been liberated of the huge weight it had been carrying for years. You were whining and moaning at the pleasure he was giving you, and also at the feel of his hands on your body. You felt yourself get wetter by the minute, having started to feel moisture down there from the moment he began massaging you. You were ashamed, but his touch so close to your biggest point of tension was driving you insane. You wanted him to forget about the massage and just flip you over.

"Okay, baby. Now I'm gonna do your ass, okay? Trust me, I know it sounds dumb, but a lot of people carry a lot of tension here"

He was right once again. As he massaged the muscle, you felt tension you didn't even know you had finally unwind. He repositioned you a bit, asking you to lift one of your legs to the side and let it hang a bit off of the side of the table. This angle lifted up your ass a bit, and disconnected your crotch from the table. You were slightly embarrassed, knowing that if he looked through a certain angle he'd be able to see you glisten with desire for him, but you chose to ignore it and hope for the best. Cheol was already helping you so much.

He continued for a few moments, occasionally going down and rubbing lightly at the back of your thighs and calves before coming back up to your lower back and butt. But he suddenly stopped at some point. You could've sworn you heard an intake of breath.

"Hey .. I'm gonna try a special technique. Is that okay?"

You were almost completely gone in pleasure by then, eyes becoming heavier by the minute. You didn't even have to think before saying yes.

You felt him lean his body more over the table, and also a bit over the lower half of your body. He was still just massaging your lower back with one hand, while making you bend your leg a little higher than before. You weren't sure what he meant by special technique, but you were down for anything had in mind. Except you hadn't expected what he would do next.

Having bent your leg forward, he had given himself the perfect angle of your pussy from behind, deciding to let his hand slip between your legs and run his fingers lightly over your folds. You gasped at this, repositioning yourself a bit to give him even more access. He took this as a welcoming sign, starting to run his hands up and down your pussy, stopping once in a while to rub at your swollen clit.

"Baby .. You're so tense here .. Let me help you? Yeah?" He said this as he continued to increase the intensity of his movements, rubbing more and more at your clit.

"Y-yes. Fuck. Please, Cheol ..." you whined, giving him permission to do whatever he wanted to you.

You yelped at his next movements. He had shoved his fingers inside with no warning, leaning down to kiss softly at your ass while he fingered you. The speed of his fingers wasn't too fast, but it was deep and calculated, dragging across all the places you needed him most. He was right, you did feel tense there, but his movements were relaxing you like nothing else could.

"Is it working, baby? Am I making you feel good?"

You'd buried your face into one of your arms, but still managed to squeak out a "yes!" in affirmation.

"Just 'yes', baby? We can do better than that, don't you think? I think I have something to rid you of all your tension ..." you could hear the smirk in his voice as he said this, feeling him finally remove the tiny piece of fabric between your legs.

He positioned his body a little further over the lower half of the table, lowering his face to the space between your cheeks in order to get his tongue on your pussy. He began to lick and suck softly, keeping a pace similar to that of his fingers just a few seconds ago. The pleasure was blinding you, causing you to lightly grind against his face, wanting as much pleasure as you could milk out of him. He seemed to like this, as he lifted his hands and placed them on your hips, guiding your grinding against him and taking on an even better angle.

All that could be heard were the moist sounds of his tongue on your heat and your cries of pleasure. The massage had been fully forgotten. All you could think about was your best friend's tongue and the way his groans against your pussy were making you lose your mind. It seemed like this was bringing him as much satisfaction as it did you.

"Ch-Cheollie! Right there! Fuck!", he'd begun to suckle at your clit, wanting you to finally reach your high and bring you as much pleasure as imaginable.

"Cum all ove' my face baby! wann' taste that pretty pussy," his words were muffled. He seemed physically incapable of separating himself from you.

You came almost immediately, loving the vibrations of his groans against you. You fell completely limp, being rendered a shell of yourself. The whole thing had felt like an out of body experience. From the massage to the life-changing orgasm. You were convinced there was no greater pleasure than what you'd felt in the past half hour. But Seungcheol seemed to disagree, instantly pulling you towards him and sitting you on the table, your body now facing his.

He had untied your bikini top earlier into the massage, which you hadn't minded since you were facing down and away from his view anyways, but now you were grateful he had. He was making direct eye contact with your tits, almost as if pondering as to what to do with them. He seemed to reach a decision, however, and attacked them with his lips with intense fervor, licking and biting at your swollen buds. He had you moaning out in pleasure again. It was as if he'd studied your body without you knowing, being an expert in all your weak spots.

He made out with your tits for a while, making your eyes roll back at the feeling of his tongue against your sensitive nipples. When he pulled away, he instantly began undressing himself at record speed. He had just been wearing shorts and a loose top, which made the process pretty quick. Immediately after getting himself nude, he positioned you so that you could wrap your legs around his waist from your position sitting on the table. He dragged you as close to him as possible by your legs, pressing your chests together.

He looked down at you while running his hands up and down your back, which was still slightly sticky with oil. He seemed to be in a trance, just looking at you with an endeared expression in his eyes, "You're so beautiful. Your body's so ... fuck. Can't believe you've been in pain for so long, baby. When I could've been taking care of you all this time," he had began to kiss along your neck and clavicles as he said this.

"Cheollie .." you breathed out, tilting your neck to the side to allow him extra space to kiss.

"Can I take care of you, baby? Let me get rid of all your tension?", he'd started grinding his bare hips against yours, having pushed open your legs in order to allow himself to drag his dick against your cunt.

Even just the weight of his cock against you had you whining, burying your face in his neck, not knowing how to react at the stimulation. You'd already felt the most pleasure when Cheol buried his tongue in your cunt, or so you'd thought. But that did not hold a candle to the feeling of his fat head as it nudged against your folds. You began to whine and writhe against him, hands digging into his arms as he ground against you. Until he nudged your head away from his neck, wanting to face you. He halted his movements altogether and looked into your eyes for a few moments, a small smile gracing his lips. His eyes began to lower, now staring directly at your lips. Your eyes mirrored his. It was a tender moment in the midst of what had just now been a mess of grinding bodies and oil. When he finally kissed you was when you truly felt relief. No massage could have compared to the bliss you felt with your best friend's lips against your own. The softness of the kiss didn't last much, however, as the movements of his hips picked back up and the kiss began to become more moist by the second.

Cheol took advantage of your soft gasps at the feeling of his cock against your cunt to slip his tongue in your mouth, expertly massaging yours with his. This went on for a bit, allowing for Cheol to stimulate you with some kissing and dry humping, further preparing you to take him free of pain. He was a little larger in size than average, and with the very limited experience he had asserted you to have, he wanted to prevent you from feeling any pain. He had wanted tonight to be nothing but pleasure for you, knowing how badly you've been needing some relaxation, and maybe with the slight ulterior motive of finally getting with his pretty bestie.

He unglued himself from your lips, chuckling at the way you whined as your lips followed his, "Baby, I'm gonna fuck you now, yeah? Wanna see you fully relaxed. That okay?"

"Mhm. Yes, Cheollie. Do anything you want. Trust you," you mumbled in response, head filled with air as you barely caught your breath from the overload of pleasure you'd felt tonight.

With that, he began to enter you, bulbous head showing a bit of a fight in entering your tight walls. You both let out a moan of relief when he finally bottomed out, almost as if you'd both been craving this for a while. He fucked you with a passion only someone who wanted you the way you wanted him would. You'd thought you'd reached the utmost pleasure when Cheol had you cumming against his tongue, but nothing could ever compare to being full of him as he praised you through every thrust, calling you every possible adjective to describe your beauty.

"B-baby! So fucking good. So pretty for me .. Gonna fuck you all night. Gonna fuck you to sleep. All mine now," he began canting in and out of you with even more intensity now, making sure to hit that spot with every thrust.

"Cheollie!"

"I know, baby. Gonna cum for me? Gonna let me fill that pussy up, aren't you, pretty?"

It didn't take long for you to cum, already feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions at every type of pleasure Seungcheol had delivered to you tonight. He followed soon after you, yelling out your name at the tightening of your walls around him. He breathed heavily as he leaned against you for a minute or two, only then moving away from you in order to get a towel and begin to clean you up.

"Sorry .. was that too much?", he smiled sheepishly as you seemed to wince when he attempted to clean you up between your thighs.

"No! It was perfect, just ... not really used to it, that's all."

"Okay, baby. If you say so. Now let me take you to bed!", with no warning, he picked you up and brought you over to his bed, completely ignoring the mess he'd caused on his massage table after having fucked you on it. He laid you down, cocooning you into his blankets before rushing to the other side of the bed and holding you in his arms.

He turned to look at you as he cradled your body against his, "Do you feel better now? Still sore?", the question seemed genuine.

"No, Cheollie. I feel amazing. I've never felt this good before, actually."

"That good, huh? I told you I was the best! But don't worry, baby. Gonna keep your appointment every week like I promised. Gonna keep you in my bed every time you're feeling sore, yeah, baby? Don't even have to ask, I'll be waiting for you," he chuckled at himself as he said this, but being completely serious.

"Will you give me your special treatment again?," you giggled against his lips.

"That's for you and you only, baby," he replied as he closed the gap between you once more.

a/n: ok i mightve made reader a lil extra overdramatic this time but u guys have to understand. my back hurts like hell. so pls sympathize w reader bc shes lowkey my soul sister in that area 😭

[celtrist]

This was the piece that I had started before my extensive vacation (of coughing). Once again, Alastor is consistently the bane of my existence with his... well everything.

No matter! Anyway, this is something I like to call the Obsession AU. To sum it up real fast: Everyone is yandere for Alastor. I think it would just be apart of his punishment in Hell, being consistently forced into or desired in romantic/sex which he's never had much interest in. I would describe it as a dark comedy thing, but it can be as comedic or as dark as you want here. With that said, please be on guard with any mentions of darker content that treds towards a certain dead bird territory when I get a bit into how I imagine some of the characters. Again, it doesn't have to go that far if you're interested in this premise of an au and wanna focus on the more light hearted stuff, feel free.

This au is just poking a bit of fun at how everyone in the fandom wants to put Alastor in romantic situations constantly (whether it be with themselves or the other characters) despite Alastor probably being the least interested in the subject in the whole show. This is by no means a hate train or making fun of people who do enjoy shipping Alastor, it just more of a funny thing I think comes off as pretty ironic for his character and hopefully, others can enjoy that too. In this au he leans pretty much on the clear-cut side of aromantic and asexual with no interest in romantic affections at all. With that said, if you want to explore Alastor genuinely being interested in one of the other characters romantically or something similar, feel free to explore that! I can see some interesting dichotomies there. It's just within the actual "canon" of this au, he's not at all interested with that sort of thing. And just with a last final reminder to get into some character things I have in mind, some of the content mentioned does get pretty dark, particularly with Valentino but I don't think anyone's surprised there. But there might be some triggering content of the following mentioned here with characters but no crazy details really: Manipulation/Gaslighting, forced feminization, Non-con, Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning, Possessive, Drugging, Love bombing And I will be sure to give a quick warning to each character it might apply to, please feel free to let me know if I missed anything!

Rosie (Munchausen syndrome, Poisoning): Rosie has 100% poisoned Alastor before to make sure he relies on her. They started off as good friends but at some point Alastor began getting ill and Rosie offered to take care of him. This leads to Alastor staying in bed for full days, only really seeing Rosie who took care of his every need from food, clothing, washing, and so on. At some point, Alastor caught on that Rosie was putting something in his food to make him sick and he managed to escape with their friendship tarnished much to his dismay. He's often uneasy around Rosie but is upfront about his knowledge of Rosie's deeds. Rosie, in turn, acts like it is a lighthearted situation and often offers Alastor over for lunch, which he often denies. Any food he gets at his doorstep from a secret admirer or a lunchbox he finds at his seat in an overlord meeting goes straight into the trash. Alastor will still use Rosie's assets to his benefit of course, but is always careful as to what she might try to get in exchange. He has had more awkward lunches with her with his homemade meal versus the buffet she catered for the occasion, with the two gossiping like old times. Alastor is still uneasy during these times, but he also revels in the false pleasantries due to not having many others he's able to associate himself with due to the curse.

Lucifer (Controlling, Possessive, Manipulation): So I'm not 100% clear how I wanted to approach Lucifer. He and Charlie are probably the most similar I suppose? He wants Alastor as his queen (either alongside him and Lilith or only with him, he doesn't mind either way). He doesn't force him into dresses or anything, but Lucifer does consistently make doting moves and talks about how Alastor would make a good father to their children. Marriage is one of the mind and Lucifer probably gets a bit possessive with him. He also tries to guilt trip Alastor a lot, or manipulate situations in one of their arguments to get Alastor to say something he doesn't mean.

Charlie (Controlling, Possessive): Probably the most tame of everyone quite honestly. Charlie can be a bit controlling but does step off when Alastor expresses his dislike of her doing so, even if it takes a couple times. She likes doing things for him, is super affectionate, and daydreams about her, Vaggie, and Alastor all getting married. She can get pretty possessive with him, not being pleased when anybody does anything against Alastor's will or hurt him. The only exception to this rule is Vaggie, to which Charlie sees it like two cats getting along and finds it very endearing.

Vaggie (Forced Feminization, Controlling, Murder): Depending on how you look at it, Vaggie's one of the more fucked up obsessions or one of the more funnier ones. Because she's automatically inclined to like Alastor quite a bit with the curse thing but her personality doesn't jive with his for her own taste (in terms of their first meeting), she both hates and loves the guy. She's obsessed with trying to murder Alastor with traps around the hotel or outright standing over him with her spear. The hatred comes primarily from not wanting to feel the way she does about him, I guess like a fucked up tsundere if you wanna go that route. At the same token, however, she does want Alastor to be involved with both her and Charlie romantically. There's just one little problem: Vaggie has about the same amount of interest in men as she does in canon. So to sort of "fix" Alastor, she consistently tries to force him to be more feminine in clothing, offering different feminine names, and even trying to force him to get a sex change. Alastor is pretty slippery though, so it never quite works out in Vaggie's favor aside from the occasional dress or skirt being worn, which solidifies her attraction to him. Then he takes it off and looks more like a man again, and it solidifies her frustration/hatred for him.

Angel Dust (Drugging): To start, while I think Angel would love to have sex with Alastor, he 100% would not force it. Wouldn't even do touches or anything. Potentially he could just like as a coping (to be in a situation where HE'S the one in control), but that is a darker route that I don't think will be exactly true for this AU. However, he very much enjoys drugging Alastor similar to Rosie. Not only just as a bonding thing since Angel would also do the drugs WITH him, but just to get the not-quite-lucid compliments from Alastor and maybe a snuggle then and there. He wants to dote on Alastor with him drugged out in his bed saying nice things to Angel. Admittedly this one's a bit of a workshop as I just knew I didn't want Angel to be focused on sex like somebody, but wasn't sure what to do here.

Valentino(Non-con, LoveBombing): I mean... it is Valentino, what did you THINK he'd be trying to do with Alastor? There's really not much to say here, Valentino essentially tries pulling all the stops trying to get Alastor in bed while also love-bombing the hell out of him. Which really doesn't work. Valentino is pretty open with sharing Alastor, but again, does this surprise anyone? As long as he's participating in some way, he really doesn't mind.

Vox (ALL warnings): Pretty much the worst version of himself that people make him be sometimes for those darker stories in the fandom. While more interested in having an enthusiastic partner, I don't think Vox would be opposed to forcing himself onto Alastor. He consistently tries to manipulate and gaslight, while enjoying both the suffering and pleasure of Alastor. Much like Vaggie, Vox is obsessed both being in love with Alastor while also downright hating him to the core. He's possessive and likes the idea of being both sweet and heinous with Alastor. He pretty much is every other character wrapped up in one fucked up TV man. Vox acts the most well-adjusted of the characters here, but he's probably got the obsession the worst.

And of course, pretty much every other conceivable ship is up for grabs here. I did think about maybe unfallen angels are able to resist the obsession curse, which would possibly make a funny team-up of Alastor, Adam, Lute, and Emily. Alternatively, I thought maybe the other canonically asexual characters in the show wouldn't be affected instead, meaning another oddball team-up of Alastor, Octavia, and Mammon. Then there is of course the "nope, there's no escape for deer man". Not sure yet, maybe I'll workshop it. I have more normal things in the works rather than this messed up little au, but darker content is a guilty pleasure of mine.

[thedomesticanthropologist]

Man, in Halsins confession he is SO "I follow my heart wherever it goes, I go wherever nature wills me. Before we start anything you must know I don't want to take you away from anyone else, I don't want to stop you from being with other people or going wherever you go and you cannot stop me from being what I am"

So the very good communication, clear statement: I want a non exclusive connection with you where we share our bodies together but don't try to control each other's paths/decisions/relationships

And its like oh! That's cool. You're straight up, and this sounds like just a physical addition to our friendship, no strings attached, alright. He WAS clear that he sees love and sex as different (I've had many lovers but my heart does not stir easily, it stirs now) so he IS clear he has real feelings but it's presented fairly casually? And very like 'no big deal if you don't feel the same!"

But then you sleep with him.

And oh my GOSH I can't be the only one who saw that man fall HEAD OVER HEELS IMMEDIATELY. And be like, super insecure about it as well as super upfront? The dichotomy is intense!

He NEVER assumes you're going to choose him or want to be around him any more than usual, and seems genuinely grateful and surprised every time you do. It's like he was setting himself up to be a side piece whether you were in a relationship with someone else or not when this started BUT

He ALSO is very very open about his feelings. "My heart. My love. I was lost until you pulled back the veil." And many many more deeply, deeply felt words. He's in love, AND he kind of assumes this whole thing is temporary.

I say that because of his ending. He says he's leaving, and he's clear the way he was in the beginning - no matter his feelings, he goes where nature wills. So there's consistency there. But he is GENUINELY surprised and DELIGHTED if you say you want to come with him.

My analysis is that he never once let himself believe that he COULD have something more with the PC. He never changes who he is, he's always upfront- if he wants to take another lover at Sharess Caress or bang a friend he has that right and he genuinely wants the PC to do the same if that's what they want too, he doesn't want to get in the way and he doesn't want anyone getting in his way. But. But

His heart does not stir lightly. And it does now

I don't think he's fallen in LOVE in a long time, and he can't believe he's going to commitment from a partner, he thinks he's just going to get a taste of you before you move on.

Being Polyamorous doesn't mean not having dedicated partners, it means not trying to stop your partner from doing what they want. It means being free to sleep with others, and to not stop your partner from leaving if they choose to go elsewhere. The way he words it in the beginning sounds like he means " if passions fade you move on, you follow your heart where it leads"

He just never expects YOUR heart to lead to him

And when it does, he is so, so surprised and grateful and lucky and honored.

He's such a complex character and so different from how I've seen romances shown in video games, movies, books so far I really like him.

[insidejiaqi]

Sex for grades (kind of)

was not particularly the smartest girl in school in university. so i had to do what it takes to graduate

————————————

i studied computer science in university. looking back, probably not the best choice for a dumb bitch like me. chose it cuz my friends chose it too. and the bunch of nerds around me were just not it. creeps everywhere.

in my first sem, there was this particular project based mod and i could not understand anything the prof was saying. whats worse was my coding skills were close to non existent and my group mates were all experienced code monkeys.

i could tell my project mates were slowly getting fed up with me. they would assign me tasks that i would take so long to complete they end up just doing it for me. but i do try okayyyyy.

one night i was determined to contribute something. so i stayed late in school to work on one of the tasks assigned to me. i convinced one of my project mates to stay with me. he was the kind of an awkward looking nerd that wears specs. the only woman he ever talked to was probably his mom.

while i was trying to do my task, i would consistently rant out loud about how hard it is and why i keep getting errors. he heard me and came to sit beside me to explain the problems i had.

i leaned in to point at my laptop screen, acting like i was listening and got my boobs caressing his arm intentionally. i know he felt it as he suddenly looked a little uncomfortable. i could see his bulge starting to form. he carried on explaining the issues with my code but i wasnt even listening.

tbh, the plan was never for me to actually finish it. i just dont want to get complained for not contributing :)

"how about i do this and you do this for me?" i stretched out my arm to grab the big bulge in his pants.

he gave me the blank stare.

"come on, you do what youre good at, and i do what im good at. no one suffers"

"errrr"

i got on my knees under the table and started undoing his pants. it was just us there. i pulled out his dick and to my surprise, it was about 5 inches. for a nerd like him, his dick size was surprising.

"stop looking and keep typing"

he immediately looked up and continued working on my task.

I slowly pulled back his forskin to expose the dickhead and my warm saliva drip down on his sensitive virgin dick. he involuntarily moaned and squirmed as i started stroking, coating his dick with my saliva.

"fuck jiaqi, your hands feel amazing!"

"shhhh. less talking, more typing"

I leaned in to lick the head as i continued stoking. he kept moaning and the typing did not stop. without warning, his hands came under the table and forced my mouth into his dick.

"ohh fuck yesss jiaqii. i always imagined you as a naughty dumb slut. jerking off to your pictures when we were first grouped together. never thought it could be real. and now fucking your mouth feels 1000 times better. fuckkkk"

he held my head down for a good 10 seconds while he exposes dirtiest fantasies to me.

"now get up and let me fuck you over the table" he pulled me up by my hair and bent me over bent me over the table. he lifted my skirt and saw that i was not wearing any panties.

"wow seems like this was you end goal since the beginning huh. wanting that pussy filled quickly so you didnt wear panties?"

"nuuu..." he jabbed his dick into me before i could reply and started thrusting in and out.

"fuck you little dumb slut. its okay. i will do your homework for you if you continue being a good little cock sleeve. now call me daddy"

"yes daddyy... fuckkkkkk ughhh"

the thrusting continued as he added a few loud spanks on my ass as if it was not a public place. he was still an inexperienced nerd and just 2mins later he pulled out and shot his ropes on my ass and sat back down on the chair panting.

"heheh how does it feel to lose your virginity?"

"tiring... how was it for you?"

"heheh here is lesson 2. dont ask a girl that."

he was still trying to catch his breath while i started packing my bag.

"now get that task done for me alright? its due tomorrow", i whispered in his ear before leaving.

"yea sure dont worry about it."

I went home and when i arrived home, i got a text containing all the files required to complete the task.

from then on, he helped me do my work for the rest of the sem and i got an A. heheh

————————————

Appreciate yall for reading my sexual recounts. Writing it gets me turned on as well. If you liked it, do give it a like and reblog!

Follow me on twitter at @jiaqi2602 for short snippets and uncensored content.

Till next time!

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 4

Summary: With the help of Rosita, Y/N tries to prepare for her date with Negan. A few complications arise and some hurtful memories from the past come back to haunt her with both Joel and Negan.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Rosita, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/154945717

Warnings: 18+, Swearing, Smut, Public Play, Loads of Angst, Dirty Talking, Heavy Touching, etc.

Notes: My first chapter with both the boys in it! I hope you enjoy. Thanks to those that do read the story!

“Honey, you can’t be serious when you say that you had sex with Joel again, right?” Rosita blurt out from where she was in the sitting area of Y/N’s bedroom. Sitting on the couch with Coco in her arms, Rosita was waiting on Y/N who had disappeared into her walk-in closet in attempts to find something to wear tonight for her dinner with Negan. They had been talking about what happened the other night with Joel. What they did, the things he said to her afterwards. And considering Rosita had been part of her life since college? Rosita pretty much knew most things about their relationship. Y/N was trying to be vague about the sex part since Coco was still a baby. So when Rosita ended up being so blunt, she was surprised by it and backstepped to stare out at her best friend. Both confusion and amusement flooded her features while Rosita played with Coco. Noticing the way that Y/N was staring out at her had Rosita shrugging dramatically. It was clear that Y/N didn’t want to be talking about sex in front of the baby, but Rosita really didn’t care. “She’s not even one yet. We’re fine.”

Even so, it didn’t seem like the smartest idea for them to openly talk about sex in front of Rosita’s toddler. Heading back into the closet, Y/N heard Rosita huffing all the way from inside of it, “How does that man continue to get you to have sex with him whenever he wants it?”

“He knows I love him?” Y/N countered being loud enough for Rosita to hear. It had been two days since it happened. That night, she watched a movie with Joel and the children. Multiple times during the night Joel had tried to open the door for more, but she denied him every time. After the movie, she was originally going to grab some pillows and a blanket for Joel to sleep on the couch, but Peter suggested Joel sleep in his bedroom with him instead. It was sweet that their thirteen-year-old still love Joel so much. During the night she had gone to check in on them to see that Peter was laid out across Joel sleeping which made her swoon. That was the hardest part about things with Joel. The children loved him, and they loved him a lot. That was something she actually liked because she was proud that Joel remained present in their lives. Having her children love him that much was a good thing, but that part of Joel consistently made her fall in love with him over and over again. Loving Joel Miller was hard because there were parts of him that were so good and there were parts of him that broke her heart. It always confused the feelings she had for Joel. Truthfully? She just knew that the most appealing thing about Joel for her was that he was a good father. “We were married thirteen years. He knows how to get me.”

Considering everything with her relationship with Joel, Y/N moved to the door again to lock eyes with Rosita, “Plus, Rosita I’m not lying to you when I tell you that Joel is good at sex.”

“But how do you know that?” Rosita doubted that statement, her dark eyes growing big. Somehow she refused to believe that Y/N understood what good sex was. “Joel is the only man you’ve ever had sex with. He could be terrible at sex and you would never know because you’ve never slept with anyone else.”

Coco was staring out at Y/N with her big brown eyes and it was hard to really gather words because she didn’t want to go completely dirty in front of Rosita’s daughter, “Because he makes me feel…really…really…good during those moments. Multiple times.”

“You can say that he makes you come a lot. She’s not going to understand what you are saying when you are talking about orgasming,” Rosita promised, bouncing Coco on her leg. Hearing Coco laugh out made Y/N smile, but even with Rosita promising it was okay, she didn’t feel comfortable going into extensive details. Back when Peter and Elizabeth were younger, she was always super careful with them as well. “She’s a baby, you don’t have to be so nervous saying things in front of her.”

“I’m just trying to be respectful. You’d be surprised how quickly the children picked up on swear words when one of us would accidentally say them,” Y/N recalled what things were like when her children were younger. “What I was trying to suggest was if Joel was bad at sex, I wouldn’t feel as much pleasure as I do when we’re together during those moments.”

“Well fine then. Joel is good at sex. I get it, but you need to toughen the fuck up,” Rosita scowled eliciting a tiny laugh from Y/N. It made her face go hot before she stepped back into her closet to start going through her clothes again. She didn’t know where to start with what she should wear tonight. It felt like she was drowning in her things. It had been a while since she tried to dress up to impress someone. “I’m surprised he only got you to have sex with him that one time. Usually he can convince you into a few more. At least you stood up for yourself this time. I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking. Who tells a woman that is still in love with you that if you had sex that way during your marriage the two of you might still be married instead of divorced? That’s such a dick move.”

“Well, he was never really good with his words,” Y/N acknowledged, coming out of the closet holding up a bright red dress in front of her that had Rosita wrinkling her nose. Realizing that Rosita didn’t like it, Y/N headed back into the closet to search for something else. That was honestly always the case about Joel though. Even when he was the popular jock in the past, he was very shy and quiet. Talking was never one of his talents. She was just charmed by his cute southern drawl and his big brown eyes. “I was so drawn to him from the moment he moved to town when we were little kids.”

“How did he even get you to date him?” Rosita wondered with Y/N moving into the doorway to show her another dress which had Rosita shaking her head again. A loud sigh fell from her lips when Y/N headed back into the closet.

“We were always friends, but he really never showed interest in me like that for a long time,” Y/N thought back on her relationship with Joel. “I was at this party with another friend. I was sitting alone, Joel came over and told me how beautiful I looked that night. And then he kissed me. I was pretty much hooked after.”

“Which means you slept with him that night,” Rosita scoffed from where she was sitting thinking about the Joel that Rosita knew about now. Again, Y/N came out with a dress and Rosita shook her head. Standing up, Rosita grabbed the dress with her free hand, handed Coco off to Y/N who scrambled to keep the baby in her arms, but then managed as Rosita walked into her closet. “Losing your virginity at a party sounds real romantic.”

“It wasn’t at the party. I mean we made out a little bit there. He offered to walk me home, but instead we ended up at his house. We snuck into his bedroom through the window and we had sex. Yeah, it wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t that bad for a first time. Joel definitely got better through the years. But you have to understand he’s…” Y/N looked to Coco that was in her arms, staring up at her as she spoke. “Joel isn’t…small. So it was going to be uncomfortable regardless since it was my first time.”

“Did he know it was your first time?” Rosita pushed through the clothes, stopping to look back at Y/N. Giving a nod, Rosita sighed and shook her head. “I see.”

“You have to understand, Joel was the boy I had been in love with most of my life. When he moved to town, I was immediately smitten with him. The crush was big. So when he finally started to see me in that way? I fell fast,” she explained what it was like for her when she was a teenager getting Joel’s attention. “And then when I did have his attention, all the girls were jealous. Joel was the most popular boy in school. And he wanted me. We were inseparable after that moment.”

“Ah yes. The most popular boy in school effect,” Rosita scoffed under her breath while she pushed through Y/N’s clothes in attempts to find something for her to wear. “So you two lost your virginities to each other, or?”

“I don’t think I was Joel’s first,” Y/N admitted remembering that Joel already had everything in his bedroom that night. Having the baby’s eyes on her made her uncomfortable talking about her sex life. “I feel like there was someone else before me. He doesn’t talk about it much.”

“Probably more than one,” Rosita suggested, taking a break from looking through the clothes. “I do have a question though. Did Joel know that you had a crush on him?”

“I never hid it,” she was honest with her friend having Rosita tip her head to the side while folding her arms out in front of her chest. “Why?”

“What took him so long to feel the same way then? If you always had a crush on him, why did he wait until he was seventeen to make a move? Shouldn’t he have done it immediately? I mean boys start thinking about sex at a very young age,” Rosita stressed what she knew to be true about men. “You think he would have made it clear how he felt about you sooner.”

“We were just friends,” Y/N shrugged, not really sure of an answer to give since there was no good one. Joel never really explained to her what had him changing his mind about her. Maybe she should have asked. “I think around that time I started probably dressing better. I was sportier when I was younger. Then I started to grow into my boobs and started wearing things to bring attention to them.”

“Which brings me to my next thought…” Rosita rubbed her hands together, moving across the closet to grab a black dress. Pulling it out, Rosita held it out in front of her and offered up a big cheesy smile. “Oh honey! This is it!”

Taking a look at the dress had Y/N nervous when she realized how much of her would be revealed in it, “You’re going out on a date with a professional baseball player. You’re going to look smoking hot in this. You want to make a good impression. He’s famous for fuck’s sake. You just said your breasts were a good asset to focus on.”

“I’m not trying to say to him that I want him to have sex with me,” Y/N snickered realizing that they were having an abrupt change of conversation going from Joel to Negan. “Negan was my best friend before you showed up in my life. Where everyone else sees Negan Smith the baseball star, I see Negan Smith, the boy that used to sneak in through my window every night so we were always together.”

Dramatically, Rosita’s head bobbed about, “And you never had sex with him?”

“Well,” Y/N paused, her lips parting at the answer to that question. “You know I’ve only slept with Joel.”

“But there was a long pause there. What was that long pause?” Rosita was curious now, folding the dress over her arm now that she felt like she was getting to some of the good stuff. “That was way too long of a pause.”

“We never had sex,” Y/N was quick to correct Rosita thinking they had slept together. “We were really good friends that…well, we were close.”

“Vague,” Rosita frowned, disappointed that Y/N wasn’t elaborating on her relationship with Negan. “So, you’re telling me that you don’t find this guy sexy?”

“Now, I didn’t say that. He’s very good looking,” Y/N responded, a warmth flooding into her face at the idea of Negan. After she saw him again? She realized he was even sexier now than he was when they were younger. Rosita smirked, nodding her head to the dress again. “I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.”

“It’s not giving him the wrong idea by dressing in something hot,” Rosita fought back, putting emphasis on her words. “Either you impress him by showing off your gorgeous natural curves or what? What’s the worst that can happen here?”

There was nothing she could say. Maybe Rosita was right. She should wear something that made her feel confident and beautiful. And that dress would make her look good. Nodding her head, she finally agreed to wearing the dress and Rosita got excited.

“So, Joel never had a problem with the two of you being close?” Rosita brought back up their conversation, including Joel this time.

“After I got with Joel is when our friendship kind of went to shit,” Y/N admitted feeling an ache at the center of her chest. “Looking back on things? I probably spent way too much time with Joel. And that was my fault. Instead of being around him, I was spending every moment with Joel. The three of us were super close. I don’t know where things went wrong.”

“So, he was super important to you?” Rosita questioned with Y/N shifting the weight of Coco in her arms. “You don’t even have to answer that. I can see it in the way you talk about the guy. How you’re nervous. You want to look good for this guy. You want this to be special. So, put this on.”

Listening to her friend, Y/N nodded and was careful in handing Coco back to Rosita. Giving her some space, Rosita left the closet with Coco. Putting on the dress made her realize that this was a bold move. Putting something on like this that was sexy. It did bring attention to her body, but it had been a long time since she got to dress up and put emphasis on herself.

When she came out after putting on the dress, Rosita let out a whistle at the way she looked. It was form fitting to her body and it did bring a lot of attention to her breasts. Just like they predicted. 

“That’s the winner,” Rosita promised her looking to the time. Stepping forward she pressed a kiss against Y/N’s cheek and nodded toward the door. “I have to get going, but make sure you send me a photo of what you look like before you go! You look fantastic already. I think this Negan guy will get a hard on just looking at you.”

“Oh stop,” Y/N laughed, rolling her eyes at the thought. “We’re just meeting up as friends from the past. That’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rosita waved her hand about and shook her head. “You have a good time.”

After Rosita left, Y/N took a long time looking at herself in the mirror. Was this too much? Would it give the wrong idea to Negan? He told her that he would be picking her up tonight and didn’t really request her to dress a certain way. Maybe she was trying too hard and he would think the same. It was getting too close to the time he said he would pick her up, so she would just have to stick with it at this point. She finished her hair and make-up. Put on some of her nicer jewelry and perfume before heading downstairs.

All she had to do was grab her bag and her coat. Then she would be ready to go. Being early was a good thing. It meant she had less things to worry about.

Getting about halfway down the stairs, she heard the sound of something falling over in her kitchen. It made her movement come to a halt. Grasping tightly to the railing, she listened carefully. Shuffling continued making her realize that she wasn’t alone. Someone was in her home. And it couldn’t have been Rosita. She saw and heard her leave.

Being quiet in the way she moved, Y/N got down the stairs. Shadows were moving around from her kitchen. She wasn’t imagining things. In the distance she saw Elizabeth’s softball bat resting at the corner of the room. Heading that way, she grabbed a tight hold of it and moved for the kitchen. Panic was flooding her veins. Why the hell would someone break into her home of all places? The children were with Joel, so it couldn’t have been them.

Waiting for the movement to stop, she kept her back pressed up against the wall. When it seemed like the right time to attack, she moved into the kitchen with the baseball bat raised. Instead of attacking, she let out a frustrated sound when she was met with the familiar brown eyes. Sitting on the counter was Joel. In his hands he had a plate and he appeared to be eating a piece of one of the pies she had made earlier today. Joel had no response to her near attack, only a smirk tugged at his lips. Looking down at the bat, Joel took a slow bite of the pie and then looked back up again.

“What the fuck Joel!? You scared the shit out of me!” she snapped at him, squeezing her fingers tightly around the bat. Seeing him sitting there like that had her blood boiling. “I thought you were someone that broke into the home. I was ready to beat the shit out of you with this.”

“I can see that,” Joel snickered, forking another piece of pie into his mouth. “Sorry about that. I didn’t think you would mind.”

“Well you scared the hell out of me. So yeah,” she began, setting the baseball bat down and letting it rest against the wall. “I mind.”

“Sorry,” Joel simply said, his big, beautiful eyes seeming amused at her outburst. Swallowing down what he had in his mouth, Joel hummed. It seemed like only in that moment did he realize how she was dressed. Gazing upon her, Joel’s eyes grew wide and his chewing slowed down. “Fuck Y/N. You look amazing.”

“Joel!” her face grew hot with the way he was eating her alive with his stare. Regardless of his reaction, she was confused as to why he was here in the first place. Even then, he was so lost in appreciating the dress that Rosita had picked out for her to wear that she had to snap her fingers to get his attention. “How did you get in here? Where are the children?”

“The children are with their friends. I came over to pick up my jacket that I left here the other night,” Joel nodded over toward the kitchen table where his jacket was hanging over one of the back of the chairs. She waited for the answer to how he got in and it made him snicker before taking another bite of the pie. “I used to live here Y/N. I know where we hid the spare key.”

“The spare key is meant to be used for emergencies only,” she chastised Joel for just letting himself into her home, but he didn’t seem to give a shit about that aspect. Being mad at Joel was going to get her nowhere because it wasn’t going to change his actions. “Which pie did you grab?”

“There is more than this one?” Joel’s eyebrows perked up when he held it up to show that it was the eggnog pumpkin pie. “I just grabbed whatever was on the top shelf.”

“I did three others. A pecan, cinnamon apple and chocolate silk,” she explained causing Joel’s chocolate brown eyes to get wide when he took another big bite. “It helps me get through the day when I’m alone to bake. I like doing it. Plus, Peter hates pumpkin and pecan. So the apple and chocolate silk are for him.”

“God, I miss being here for the holidays,” Joel mused, setting his plate in the sink after he finished. Reaching for the milk he had already poured himself had her folding her arms out in front of her chest eyeing him over with frustration. “I really love your baking and your cooking. That was my favorite part about the holidays.”

“Clearly,” she noted watching him dramatically adjust his positioning on the counter while he stared out at her again with curiosity. More than anything right now she just wanted him to leave. “Joel? Are you done or…?”

“Why are you dressed so nice?” Joel’s eyes fell to her breasts when he slowly pulled himself down from the counter to step before her. And he wasn’t hiding it either. He was making it very obvious that he was looking. “Are you going out with your friends tonight? Or is there a party that I don’t know about?”

“Do you have to know everything I’m doing? Because it doesn’t matter,” she refused to tell him, getting a scoff to escape him.

“You look really beautiful,” Joel declared outstretching his hand to brush his fingers in over her jawline. With the sensation of his rough fingertips against her flesh it drew her eyes to a tight close. The warmth of his breath lingered over her lips and it drew a chill throughout her body. Fuck, why did he always have to affect her like this. “Who is this for?”

“I’m going on a date,” she admitted, forcing her eyes to open when she took one step back away from him remembering how things were the other day between them. Hearing that she was going on a date had a rush of jealousy flooding through Joel’s veins. “Someone asked me to go to dinner with them and I said yes.”

“Like a date? A date-date?” Joel repeated what she had said, his eyebrows furrowing when she gave a nod. Sure, it was more so two old friends agreeing to go out together one night, but he didn’t have to know that. “With whom?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she refused to tell him taking a few more steps back when his hands fell to his hips. It looked like he disapproved of the situation, but she didn’t care. “I need you to leave though because they should be here soon.”

“How come you never wore something like that for me?” Joel huffed, a muscle at the corner of his jaw flexing. Uncomfortably, she laughed finding herself shaking her head at that question.

“You never took me out on dates,” she reminded him with a frown, her posture changing completely. She went from having a sense of confidence coming down here only to feel the sadness flooding throughout her veins again with Joel looking her over.

“I took you out on dates,” Joel defended himself, his voice growing angrier when she rolled her eyes. Suddenly she felt very ridiculous wearing this and wished she would have picked something a little less revealing.

“It’s been in my closet for a long time Joel,” she stammered, refusing to look him in the eyes when they talked about their past again. “If you would have taken me out on a date, I would have worn it. Most of our time out was with the children. Toward the end of our relationship, you hated going nice places. So my nice clothes kind of just sat there.”

“The only time I remember you wearing any kind of dresses was when we went to the town Christmas party or our anniversaries,” Joel thought aloud, his head shaking when he looked her up and down. “And even at that, they weren’t dresses like that. You may have worn something like that at our last anniversary dinner, but trust me if you wore dresses like that more often…”

“We’d still be married?” she finished for him causing an infuriated sound to fall from his throat. There was that reminder of what he had said after they had sex the other night. “Yeah, I know.”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” Joel snarled, his face twisting in anger when she shook her head and doubted him.

“What were you going to say then?” she waited for him to say something, but she knew it would just be a lie. “It’s exactly what I said. If I would have been a little sluttier, we’d still be married and we’d have more children. I already heard you say it Joel. It’s like you completely forget how you acted toward the end of our marriage.”

“I know I’m not perfect,” Joel placed his hand in over the center of his chest. Right now he just wished she would drop the fight they had the other night. “I made so many mistakes. And I understand that. I wasn’t the best husband. I should have been more supportive. I should have treated you better. I hate the man I was, the man that I am. I don’t need you to tell me how awful I am when I already know.”

Loosening up, she felt her heart sinking over what he had said. That’s not how she wanted him to think about himself.

“I never said that,” she hated hearing him talking about himself like that. “I don’t think you’re awful, Joel. I think you’re a good person. I think you have a lot of heart and you are a good father. You’re a good brother. You just…you weren’t a good husband at the end of our marriage.”

“You got just as sick of me as I did you at the end,” Joel snarled noticing the way her eyes dropped down showing how much she already shut down with the two of them fighting. “For us to have a healthy relationship with our children, we both needed that break. I’ve come to realize that after these last few years.”

“Yeah,” she breathed out knowing that she didn’t want to fight with him about things. Years were spent feeling the exact way she was feeling right now and she didn’t want to feel that way anymore. “I’m sorry.”

Hearing her apologize had Joel’s facial features twisting in confusion. Going to speak, Joel’s lips parted, but he thought about it. Instead of speaking, he shifted on his feet and tipped his head to the side, “For what?”

“For everything,” she let out a defeated breath not knowing what to say to Joel anymore about things. “I’m sorry you didn’t get everything you wanted in life. I’m sorry you’re sad. And more than anything I’m sorry that life isn’t fair. It’s not. You lost your parents. Mine dropped me when I refused to get rid of Elizabeth. It was a lot and I’m sorry that life didn’t give you what you deserved. I wish I could have been the thing to make you happy, but that was never possible.”

“Y/N,” Joel let out a long exhale noticing that her eyes were damp when she shrugged her shoulders. Right now would have been a good time to say something. To make her feel better about the whole situation, but like always, he was at a loss of words.

A knock at the door was heard and Y/N felt her heart sinking. By this point she wanted Joel to be gone, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen. Shakily reaching up, she hoped that she didn’t cry too much because she didn’t want to mess up her make up.

“Can you just cancel the date?” Joel requested shocking her with how blunt he was. “I think the two of us deserve a night where we can talk things out. Actually talk. I don’t want things to be like this. I don’t. And I know you don’t either.”

“I can’t just cancel my date,” she shook her head wishing like hell she had changed the hiding spot for the spare key. “I’m sorry Joel, but whatever you want to talk about—it’s going to have to be for another day.”

Following her toward the living room, Joel wanted to know who was at the other side of the door. Watching her coach herself before opening the door had Joel frustrated. Shooting Joel a glare, she tried to somewhat hide him when she partially opened the door to greet who was there.

“Hey there,” Negan beamed with his deep, raspy voice filling the air. There was a big smile plastered over his features, drawing her attention to his charming dimples. A breath caught in her throat at the sight of Negan before her. He was wearing black slacks, a black button down and a black suit jacket. Never in her time knowing Negan when they were younger would he ever be caught wearing something like that so it surprised her to see. In his hands he had a bouquet of peonies and it made her smile. Stepping in closer to the light, Negan’s smile weakened and an empathetic expression flooded his features. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” she waved off his worries, impressed with how preceptive he was knowing that she was upset right now. No matter how much she tried to hide things from Negan in the past too he always knew how she was feeling. “I’m great.”

“You look beautiful,” Negan stated with another weak smile. A moment later the door was being ripped open surprising Negan with the swiftness. Irritation flooded Y/N’s body when she glared over at Joel who was clinging to the doorknob.

“Negan Smith. You’re going on a date with Negan?” Joel was visibly annoyed when he looked to Y/N with his jaw flexing. When she didn’t respond to Joel, Joel threw his hand up in the air drawing his attention back to Negan. Negan seemed unsure of how to react, giving an amused smirk with his eyes narrowing. “Isn’t there some kind of fucking celebrity Christmas party that you have to be at? What the fuck are you doing here Negan?”

“It’s nice to see you too after all these years Joel,” Negan breathed out, lowering the bouquet of flowers at his side. Sarcasm was layered thick in Negan’s words since he picked up on the fact that Joel was being rude immediately to him. “I’m home for Christmas to see my family.”

“First time in what…nineteen years?” Joel snapped at Negan hearing his hesitant laugh fill the air. Knowing that it was Negan Smith that Y/N was going out on a date with infuriated him. Every part of Joel was tense. There was a fire growing inside of his chest and he was furious. “You think that’s funny?”

“Yes and no,” Negan responded, tipping his head from side to side. “I often flew my mother out to wherever I was during Christmas. So, I may have not been here, but I was always with my family. I just decided this year I wanted to come home.”

“I see,” Joel was disgusted with the idea that it was Negan of all people that was the person she was going out with. Curling his fingers into a fist at his side, there was a vein that was bulging at the side of Joel’s neck showing just how angry he was. Both Y/N and Negan picked up on it, but Negan wasn’t acting on it. 

“Excuse me for one second,” Y/N held her finger up, walking back into the house.

Silence surrounded Joel and Negan while they stood facing each other. Whistling out, Negan forced himself to look away toward the front window that was lit up brightly. Catching the set up made Negan grin. Moving toward the edge of the porch, Negan looked over the Christmas village that was displayed. Just seeing Negan standing there like this wasn’t a big deal made Joel want to erupt.

“She still collects this stuff, huh?” Negan pointed toward the window, his eyes narrowing when he tried to look through the fogged window to see what she had. “I bought her the first few that she had. I never realized that she would make such a big thing out of it.”

The sound of footsteps returning was heard causing both of them to look back into the house. Heading toward them with Joel’s jacket in her hand, she firmly shoved it against Joel’s chest causing him to grunt. Stumbling back, Joel couldn’t believe that she was this angry with him.

“Joel, you were just leaving,” she alerted Joel, her eyes locked with his hinting to him that she wanted him to leave. With a final shove, she looked to Negan and waved him forward. “Negan, would you please come in so I can grab my jacket?”

“Well, it was nice seeing you again, Joel,” Negan muttered, his head tipping enough to have a fire burning throughout Joel’s veins when Negan stepped around Joel to enter the house. Extending out the flowers, Negan nodded to them and let out a long sigh. “I got you these. I remembered they are your favorite.”

“Her favorite is roses,” Joel corrected Negan who looked over his shoulder as Y/N accepted the flowers. Embarrassment flooded her face when she let out a frustrated breath. Joel was trying to one up Negan in the moment. “Her favorite flower has always been a rose.”

“No, they aren’t,” Negan shook his head, turning on his heel with Y/N moving in beside him. “Sure, she likes roses. Everyone does. But her favorite flower growing up was always the peony. We had a lot of talks about it when we were younger.”

Looking to Y/N for confirmation, Joel could see that Y/N looked ashamed when she nodded her head letting him know that Negan was right, “That’s your favorite flower?”

“Yeah,” she admitted with her voice quiet. Part of her was swooning over the fact that Negan still remembered her favorite flowers after this long, but Joel being offended made things complicated. “I never felt the need to correct you because the roses were your thing.”

“You shouldn’t feel bad about it Joel. A lot of people confuse the peonies with roses,” Negan insisted, pushing his right hand into his pocket and holding his left out to reason with Joel. “It’s a common mistake a lot of people make.”

“Goodnight Joel,” Y/N stressed that she wanted Joel gone because this was already uncomfortable as it was. Giving her one of the most pathetic looks that he had in a very long time, Joel’s chocolate brown eyes hooked with hers. Nodding, Joel pulled his jacket on and back stepped toward the door. “It was nice seeing you.”

Things were quiet when the door closed leaving Negan to look over Y/N who gave him an apologetic look, “If you’re uncomfortable and you’d like me to leave, I can.”

“No, please,” she pled, reaching out to wrap her fingers around his arm. “It’s just Joel right now. That’s the way things are with us. Uncomfortable. It’s not you. He wasn’t even supposed to be here. I came down here and he let himself in which scared the hell out of me,” she let him know what was happening before looking down at the flowers. “Let me put these in some water before we leave and then I’ll be ready to go.”

“Sure thing,” Negan’s eyebrows bounced up as he balanced his weight on his heels. With a single nod, he stood by the door and did what she requested. It took a few moments to get the flowers in some water before she returned to the living room with her jacket. Now standing in front of her window looking at the Christmas village she had set up was Negan who appeared to be eying them over in depth. “These are awesome. They are so much cooler than the first few I got you.”

“I still have those,” she moved in beside Negan pointing each one of them out. Amazement flooded his features, with a big smile tugging at his lips. Stealing a quick look at her, Negan then returned his attention to look over the village and shook his head. “It’s probably my favorite thing that I have for Christmas.”

“You really like decorating, huh?” Negan noted standing up straight again. Leaving him alone meant he got a good look at her overabundance amount of decorating. Pushing his hands into his pockets, he seemed genuinely impressed.

“I overdo it, I know,” she tried to suggest, but he shook his head and chuckled. “I try to make Christmas as magical as possible for my children.”

“I love it,” Negan assured her, pointing toward the train that was circling the Christmas tree. “That’s something I would have loved to have when I was a kid. It’s really cool.”

“It was originally Joel’s idea,” she remembered, swallowing down hard. It was the first thing they bought during their first Christmas living together. It wasn’t much, but it was important to them back then.

“Being in here just makes me feel better,” Negan announced, his hand placing in over the center of his chest. “Lifts my spirits.”

“It usually does that with me too,” she motioned him to wait, knowing that she should probably turn everything off before they went. Once she was done, she returned to him and he seemed to be watching her with awe. “You ready?”

Outstretching his hand, Negan reached for her jacket and she was surprised to watch him holding it up for her to help her get her arms into it. Once she had it on, he smoothed his hands out over her shoulders and sighed loudly, “You look good.”

“Thank you,” she felt a warmth flooding throughout her body with how chivalrous Negan was being. Turning to face him, she felt a breath catch in her throat staring up at him. It really was surprising just how good-looking Negan was. He was cute when they were younger, but now he had really grown into his features. It took her breath away just getting a look at him. The facial hair did wonders for him and she liked the way his hair looked. “It’s strange. You look older, in a very good way. Age did you well. But it’s like other than your looks changing, you’re exactly the same you that I always knew. The manners are there. You remember everything…”

“How could I forget?” Negan retorted with a wrinkle of his nose and a laugh. “We were together every single day for years. I would be a total fucking fucker if I forgot,” Negan stressed and it had her laughing. That made him happy to see her smile since he could tell things were stressful before. “Also, don’t take the manners too seriously. I’m a menace. I still have the mouth of a sailor. I’m still a sarcastic asshole who is absolutely fucking annoying. But I do know how to have chivalry when it’s needed.”

“That’s something a lot of people don’t have, so thank you,” she was impressed when Negan smirked, gave a single nod and then opened the door for her to leave first. When he got out and closed the door behind him, Negan held his hand out to her and she accepted it when he walked her to his car. Helping her get in, Negan opened the passenger seat door for her allowing her the time she needed before closing the door. This was a nice car. She imagined it was a rental for his time here, but she couldn’t help realizing how nice it was. Moving around the car, Negan opened the door and dropped down in his seat beside her. There was a silence between them. Contemplation was flooding Negan’s features and it made her smile. “What is it?

“Would you be horribly offended if I changed my original plans I had for us?” Negan wondered with his eyes narrowing.

“How could I be offended if I never knew the original plans to begin with?” she pointed out drawing his eyebrows to bounce up. “I can’t be mad if you never told me what we were doing to begin with.”

“Good point,” Negan chuckled, the lines in his forehead growing deeper. Taking a moment to think things out, Negan nodded his head and started to drive to wherever he was planning on taking her. “I’m glad we’re doing this. I was afraid you might not want to go out with me after being around all the people wanting to take photos with me and talk to me.”

“I understand people being excited. Life is short, people don’t have a lot of things to be excited about, so let them,” she replied, genuinely meaning it. Noticing that she was cold, Negan adjusted the temperature so she could warm up. “Also, I think you deserve the attention with all the hard work you did. I’m not that kind of person to be miserable if I don’t have your full attention.”

A quick glance in her direction took her breath away with the way that Negan looked at her. Noticing that they were driving toward the edge of town had her wondering where they were going. It was when they pulled into a parking lot where it made her laugh, “Seriously?”

“What? You don’t like it here?” Negan snickered, pulling off his seatbelt when he parked the car in the lot of the local sports bar in town. When they were younger, they would come here to play at the arcade when they were bored. They had cheap food which also made things easier with them being young. “We were here all the time when we were kids. Several times a week. I’m sure the games are more modern now, but it’s us. It’s true to us. Something tells me that you could use a relaxing night and dinner. One where you can just be open and free to be you again.”

Unlatching her seatbelt, Y/N looked out the window to look up at the building letting out a tiny laugh, “Of course unless you don’t want to do this. I can take you to the expensive restaurant that I was originally planning to take you so I could impress you. But, I don’t think I need to impress you. I just want to spend time with you. And after everything? I feel like we’re meant to be here. Not there.”

“I’ll follow your intuition,” she declared which was followed by Negan’s snort. It made her laugh that he still did that considering he was meant to be a heartthrob. Hopping out of the car, Negan had a kick to his step and moved around to help her out. Having Negan’s hand pressing in over the small of her back and leading her toward the building felt good. When they got into the building, she wasn’t surprised that a few people stopped when they saw him. He was a local hero to these people and she wasn’t going to let that get to her. The owner was eager to put them in the nicest spot, which honestly there was no spot that was the nicest spot. It just meant that it was the spot with the most privacy for them while they ate. It was a booth that they both slid into and she looked out at Negan with awe. The way he treated everyone with kindness was impressive. “I really thought you would be so much different if I ever saw you again.”

“Disappointed?” Negan’s right eyebrow arched in curiosity and she shook her head.

“Very impressed,” she corrected him, pulling her jacket from her shoulders. It had Negan eyeing her over for a moment, but he swiftly pulled his eyes from her trying to hide that he stole a look. It made her smile when she adjusted her dress. It didn’t hurt her feelings to know that he stole a glance at her breasts. “We’re both probably a little overdressed. Or in my case, underdressed.”

“I can do the same thing if you’d like,” Negan offered biting down on his bottom lip as he undid a few more buttons on his black button down. He made it go down to about his mid abdomen giving her an amused expression as he lifted his head. It revealed a large amount of his chest drawing attention to the thick curls of hair over his flesh. A rumble of laughter escaped his throat and she covered her eyes in embarrassment. “No, don’t be embarrassed. Look…”

Tugging at the material of his shirt, Negan flashed her his chest revealing one of his nipples and it had her laughing out, burying her head into her hand. His boisterous laughter surrounded her and suddenly she remembered just what it was like to be around Negan. If people saw him in that moment, they would have thought he was crazy.

“You are still so very much Negan,” she rolled her eyes, dragging her tongue across her bottom lip as he let go of his shirt having it fall back into place, yet still leaving the shirt unbuttoned. The bridge of Negan’s nose wrinkled and he was completely proud of himself with that. “I’m sorry about the boobs.”

“I’m not,” Negan winked when she dropped her head down to look at the revealing part of her dress. “It gives me something nice to steal looks at all night. While pretending that I’m not so you can still think I’m a gentleman.”

“So it was a successful dress then,” she sat up straighter when the waiter came to get their orders. The waiter geeked out a little when he realized who he was going to be serving and she was surprised just how many people in this town truly knew who Negan was. Then again, he was born here. So maybe it was something that people told their children about to impress them. “I feel like I’m with an A-list celebrity here.”

“It will be weird when I lose it,” Negan admitted with a long exhale, acknowledging that he was nearing the end of his career. “This season coming up is going to be my last one. My knee just can’t take it anymore and I know once I’m no longer playing people are going to quickly forget who I am.”

“I doubt that. Maybe it won’t be as busy, but you’re pretty unforgettable,” she suggested, pressing her hand in closer to his to place it over his on the table. Hooking his fingers with hers, Negan gave them a squeeze and a wink followed. “People are always going to remember the kindness that you showed them when you were famous.”

“Yeah,” Negan cleared his throat knowing that he didn’t want everything to be about him. “So what do you want to order? A pizza? Or do you want to get some burgers? Or if you’re feeling really special we can get some cheese sticks and chicken wings? Then again if you’re really hungry, I can get all of them.”

“In honor of what used to be…let’s go with the pizza,” she decided, pointing to the menu that was before her with her free hand. When they came here when they were young, they used to always get the pizza because it was the cheapest and they could always share it. “Double cheese and pepperoni?”

“Yes ma’am,” Negan winked ordering for them when the waiter brought their drinks. When they were left alone, Negan knew that they had been being silly, but his mind lingered back to earlier. At first, he picked up immediately that she was upset. So that still lingered in his mind. “Really though…are you doing okay? You looked upset when you opened the door earlier.”

“You were married. I’m sure you get it,” she frowned with a long sigh looking to the hand where her wedding ring used to be years ago. “Maybe you don’t. You didn’t end up divorced.”

“That doesn’t mean we didn’t have our problems,” Negan assured her, his thick eyebrows furrowing. “God knows I was a fool. And we fought a lot too, but I always feel like if you’re passionate about something you are going to feel things so much more deeply. Don’t think my marriage was perfect because it wasn’t.”

“But, you were head over heels in love with her,” she reminded him hearing Negan’s breathing grow louder when she pointed toward the necklace that was around his neck. “Your wedding rings tell me that.”

“I was,” Negan agreed with her, sucking at his bottom lip with her acknowledging his late wife. “I loved her so much that the time I took off last time from baseball was to take care of her while she was sick. Not because I was hurt.”

“See, that’s romantic,” she stressed liking to hear that about Negan. By his expression she wasn’t sure that Negan agreed with her. “I’m sure she appreciated that.”

“She did,” Negan commented, signs of him being uncomfortable talking about his life coming through. “Good job changing the subject though instead of talking about Joel.”

“I just don’t know what to say about things with him,” she confessed, feeling guilty that their conversation was coming right back to Joel. “It’s just no one can get under my skin quite like Joel can. It’s like he knows exactly what to say to upset me or make me feel bad. Sometimes I’m not even sure he knows that he is doing it, but when he does, it burns.”

“I think us men can do that sometimes. Not realize the daggers we hold in our words,” Negan hummed, sucking in a sharp breath of air. Before they could get deep in their discussion, their pizza was being brought followed by a few complimentary appetizers. There were garlic knots, cheese sticks and cheese bread. The owner insisted that it was free even when Negan insisted that he wanted to pay. When they owner left the food with him, it made Negan exhale loudly. “You have money and suddenly everyone wants to give you everything for free.”

“Interesting how that works,” she noted letting out an amused sound when Negan pulled his jacket off and set it aside. It was getting warm in the restaurant. In the distance they could hear the sounds from the large arcade that was in the other room and it made her smile. Negan undid the buttons of his sleeves, rolling them up his arms revealing his tattoos to her. Stretching out her hand, she grabbed one of his arms to look over the tattoos that were there. Dragging her fingertips over his flesh had Negan’s eyes watching her closely. “So much is the same, but so much is different. I knew you had tattoos, but I never saw them close up.”

“There’s a lot more,” Negan informed her with a wink when he dragged his arm back slowly to get a piece of pizza for both of them on their plates.

“I think I know that. I saw a photo from that very revealing shoot you did a while ago the other day,” she confessed to Negan hearing his laugh fill the air. Their conversation reminded her of the pull out that Joel had confiscated from Elizabeth. Hearing that intrigued Negan and she knew that he wanted to say something sexual but didn’t know if he should. His face was red, his eyebrows bouncing up in amusement. Which only added to how ridiculously cute his dimples looked. “I’d love to say that it was me looking it up, but my daughter actually had it. I told you that she had the biggest crush on you. So I saw…a lot of you.”

“Not nearly enough,” Negan joked with her, giving her a wink. Then he considered what she said, snorting at the thought. “It’s a little creepy that your daughter had that though.”

“Joel agreed with you. He tore it down from her ceiling and threw it at me before he left. So it’s sitting in my nightstand drawer,” she admitted to Negan, a laugh escaping her lips at how weird this whole conversation got. “I’ll have to take a better look at that pull out later when I get home.”

“I have a few more tattoos since then,” Negan stated with a crooked smirk not sure how to respond to what she just told him. “Play your cards right and I’ll let you see all of them up close and personal.”

“God,” she groaned out and it was followed by his laugh. Lifting the piece of pizza up, Negan dramatically tipped his head back being silly in the way he was eating his pizza like he used to be when they were younger. “And there is the Negan that I know.”

“You liked that Negan very much, thank you,” he pointed out with a mouthful of the pizza chewing it pretty dramatically and she knew that he was doing it to amuse her. Here they were both dressed up very nice, eating pizza and not being at all dainty about it.

“Of course,” she agreed with him seeing him plow down one piece of pizza before reaching for another for himself. Even though they were flirting back and forth, she couldn’t help but think about her children. “I think Peter would love this place.”

“Your son?” Negan stammered and she nodded. Part of her just wanted to talk completely about Elizabeth and Peter, but she didn’t want to bore Negan with stories. “Why don’t we bring him here once while I’m here? Heaven knows they give us enough food. And you can bring your daughter too.”

“That wouldn’t weird you out?” she was stunned to hear him say that and he smirked. This was their first time being around each other again, but he already was talking about wanting to spend time with her children. “Being around my children?”

“They are part of you. Why would that weird me out?” Negan was genuinely curious why she would think that. “I mean yeah, it might be weird meeting your seventeen year old daughter that had my photoshoot of me almost completely naked. But then I’d be judgmental because I had half naked women on my walls when I was her age. All jokes aside, I would very much enjoy meeting your children.”

“And they would freak out meeting you,” she was sure that would be the case. Peter was hugely into sports and she was pretty sure that Elizabeth had gotten into softball because her and Joel watched baseball together all the time. Probably also to be more like Negan as well. “Peter would ask you a million questions and I feel like Elizabeth would be really quiet. She’s not shy, but around you? She’d get quiet. I’m sure she’d love to talk about baseball with you too though. She’s a softball player and she loves it. But I think she’d start off very shy around you.”

“Only for a little bit. Trust me, I’ve gotten used to the whole shyness thing. I’ve had a lot of meet and greets with fans who came to see me. I always end up getting them to talk by the end of it,” Negan declared with a bob of his head. They both snacked on a few of the appetizers before offering what they had left to the rest of a table of teenagers since it was so much food. Of course the teenagers took it and marked out that Negan gave them free food before allowing him to go back to Y/N. “You ready for some games?”

“You think I will be okay?” she pointed down toward her dress and it had Negan humming out. Snatching his jacket from the seat, Negan held it out for her and she nodded. Having his suit jacket covering her would probably be better than going out there to play in just her dress.

Side by side they walked together in the arcade. It seemed like they went for the things that they did more so as children together. Air hockey, basketball games and other things that drew their attention. A lot of people seemed to leave Negan alone while he was with her in the arcade which impressed her. She thought they would be interrupted more while they were having fun together, but the respect was actually really nice.

Time seemed to fly by with them just having fun together and being silly. It had been so long since she just got to feel like a kid again and do these kinds of things. But it was something she surprisingly enjoyed very much.

By the time Negan won her a gigantic stuffed bear, he led her back toward the table for them to get some drinks since they both had gotten hot from being in the arcade. Negan had put the teddy bear next to him while they sat at the booth and it made her laugh the way he had his arm hooked around the giant bear.

“This has been fun,” she confessed with a laugh when Negan squeezed the bear in closer to him with a one armed hug. It was incredibly hot right now and the both of them were sweating from all they had done. “I can’t tell you the last time I did something like this.”

“Had fun?” Negan blurt out. Originally, she was talking about doing arcade games, but yeah. It had been a while in general that she had fun. So she just nodded. “Well, I’m glad I could convince you to do this with me. You deserve to have some you time where you feel good.”

“You have no idea how much it means to me that you agreed to this,” she sat forward at the table, leaning over it so he could hear her. Truthfully? She shouldn’t have been thinking about their past, but she couldn’t help it. “After how things ended with us when we were younger, I thought you may never want to see me again.”

“Of course I’d want to see you again,” Negan matched her movements, leaning across the table after letting go of the stuffed bear. “We were best friends. I missed that part of me. The Negan I was when we were close.”

“I think we were a little more than just best friends,” she reminded him with an uncomfortable breath. Hearing her say that had a smirk tugging at Negan’s lips, his thick eyebrows bouncing up before he dragged his thumb across his bottom lip.

“I didn’t know what you wanted to admit,” Negan snorted, shrugging his shoulders in a shameless moment. A wicked expression flooded his handsome features and he moved close enough so only she could hear him. “You were the person who gave me my first hand job after all. If you remember all of our time together, that is.”

“How could I forget?” she sucked at her bottom lip seeing the wolfish smile expand over his features. Flirting with him was coming easily and it wasn’t even like she was purposely going out of her way to do it. “You don’t really forget a cock like that.”

“It’s pretty nice,” Negan agreed hearing her let out an amused breath. Dropping his head down, he looked at the center of his lap and growled. How they had gone from innocent to sexual talk was beyond her.

“Obviously you were the first person to finger me,” she whispered looking around the sports bar that they were in knowing that if people heard them talking the way they were that they would likely be eavesdropping on them. “And the first person to eat me out…”

“Many, many times,” Negan snickered reaching for his beer to take a sip of it and he shook his head slowly. There was a warmth flushing into her cheeks and it made him smile. “You’re also the first person to give me a blowjob. Every time we were alone once we reached a certain age, we were always going at each other.”

“We were two bored teens that had way too much freedom with their parents,” she recalled finding her heart skipping a beat with the way that Negan smiled, his dimples doing the very thing they had done to her since they were younger. And that was make her heart flutter and swoon when she looked at him. “Our parents trusted us way more than they should have.”

“My parents thought you were just the sweetest, most innocent girl,” Negan teased her, playing with the neck of the beer bottle when he recalled their years together. “They thought you were the one thing keeping me innocent. Little did they know that you were such a naughty little thing corrupting their son…”

“Oh, don’t you blame it all on me,” she reached out to swat at his hand. Snorting out, Negan lowered his head and let out a long sigh. “You were corrupting me just as much. You were the older one you know.”

“We were so very good for each other,” Negan’s nose wrinkled, taking a longer sip of his beer this time. Setting the bottle down, Negan shifted on his side of the booth and tapped his fingers against the top of the table. “I don’t know why we never had sex.”

“We never had condoms,” she reminded him making him tip his head from side to side. “Then the one time you stole condoms, we went to have sex and your dad walked in on the two of us.”

“Right,” Negan laughed deeply and she rolled her eyes thinking back on the two of them. “My dad was such a dick. Immediately started lecturing us about how my mother was going to have her heart broken if she knew that we were doing that in their house. Then tried to lecture us about how if we had sex we were going to die. My father was a horrible father, but he sure thought he was doing something that night when he told us that the people who had sex were those to die first in horror movies. It wasn’t STDs or pregnancy he warned us about. It was the potential of dying in a Friday the Thirteenth movie. And if you remember after he found us, he put that open door rule on us.”

“I do remember that. You were trying so hard not to laugh. It’s not like it worked though. We still fucked around at my house,” she reminded him with a laugh, shaking her head at the thought. “I think he thought lecturing us would put the fear of God into us, it just made us go to my house more instead of going to yours.”

“But he stole the condoms, so…” Negan huffed with a disappointed expression. They both seemed amused talking about their naughty relationship that they shared together. “I thought you would be the girl I lost my virginity to, but alas, I was fucking wrong.”

“Because the cute blonde haired, green eyed girl came to town and had your eyes,” she suggested which had Negan’s face scrunching up. Hearing her say that had confused him and it seemed like he didn’t understand what she was saying. “Lucille. I’m talking about Lucille.”

“Yeah, I was smitten from the moment that Lucille came to town, I agree. Although, I hate to break this to you Y/N,” Negan stammered, his jaw flexing when he threw his right hand up in the air. “Joel Miller was the thing that made me realize we were never gonna happen. Not Lucille. Joel came first…in both ways.”

“Negan,” she groaned out realizing where he was going with that last statement. It had been a very long time, but she didn’t realize what he was saying was true. “I’m pretty sure Lucille came to town first.”

“Nope, I know for certain you and Joel hooked up before Lucille transferred to the school,” Negan refused, being very expressive in the way he was delivering his lines. “Because I remember the broken heart that came with it.”

“Come on,” she chuckled thinking that he was joking at first, but Negan’s expression was very much solemn when he lowered his stare. What had been a light and silly conversation turned very serious when their past came front and center.

“I’m being honest,” Negan admitted, his long eyelashes fluttering when he lifted his stare to her again. Someone walked by in that moment and they both went silent before he spoke up again. “I was very much in love with you. I thought I was gonna marry you. After all we had been through growing up together, I thought we were soulmates.”

What could she say to that? This conversation seemed to be upsetting Negan when he thought back on it, “When I was on the baseball team you would show up to every practice and game for me. But then after you two got together, it was no longer me that you were there for. It was him. I thought you were my girl, but I learned quickly that you weren’t.”

Silence followed. She didn’t know how to respond when he finished off his beer and cleared his throat, “When you went to that party it was all over. All it took was Joel Miller finally noticing you for you to be hooked and reeled in. First it was him making out with you at that party. Then it was you started to come to practices and the games for him. Not me. You no longer had eyes for me. I was invisible. Then again. I should have expected it. I knew you had a crush on him when we were kids, I just thought when we started fooling around together you and I were dating.”

“Negan, I’m sorry,” she apologized noticing the upset in his hazel eyes and she felt suddenly on the spot. “I never really thought that we were dating. I just thought we were best friends that were experiencing things with each other. You never mentioned us being together so I just assumed…”

“I realized that once you hooked up with Joel,” Negan responded with a grunt, shrugging his shoulders again showing that he was uncomfortable. “It was for the best because you ended up with Joel and I ended up with Lucille, but at the time I was devastated. The woman I was head over heels in love with my whole life just up and left one day.”

“I wish you would have said something,” she breathed out finding it hard to actually look at Negan with the guilt she had in hearing that truth. “I feel like such an asshole. Or ignorant to the truth of how things were because fuck. You must have thought I was such a bitch and…I was. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You were meant to get with Joel. You have two beautiful children that you love very much,” Negan suggested with a weak smile. It was his way of trying to make her feel better, yet she still felt awful about the whole thing. After thinking about what he said, it was all suddenly starting to make sense why things ended up the way they did. Why Negan disappeared after she started dating Joel. It was her fault all this time, not his. “And I was meant to be with Lucille. They were both important parts of our lives.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” she agreed silently realizing that she actually felt really bad after everything. It was eating away at her knowing that she hurt Negan so much that he thought there was no other way to handle things than to shut her out of his life completely back then.  

“I am curious though,” Negan let out an amused breath when the waiter showed up with another beer for him. It was like he had been paying attention to him like a hawk and Negan looked back over his shoulder at the young waiter letting out a snort. Shaking his head, Negan cleared his throat and looked back to her. “What was it about Joel that made you pick him? What made you decide that Joel was the one and not me?”

There was a silence between them when she thought about the answer. It had Negan tipping his head to the side and she didn’t know what to say, “I know you very much enjoyed my tongue and fingers, so that wasn’t it. And I saw Joel naked in the past. You have a type when it comes to men with bigger dicks, but I’m pretty sure mine is just as impressive. My arrogance might take over here and say mine might be bigger. His is just uncut…”

“Negan, it’s not about the penis,” she stressed hearing him letting out a long exhale and she felt like the room was spinning around her. “You both have nice bodies. I didn’t pick Joel because he was better at sex acts than you or because of his penis.��

“Then what was it?” Negan seemed pretty desperate for an answer and it made her feel bad to know that he let it bother him this whole time. 

“I wish I had a good answer,” she began realizing that there was really nothing good to say for her to reason with Negan. “I guess that night at the party having Joel’s attention just felt really good. He’d never noticed me before like that and when he finally did, he just made me feel special.”

“And it didn’t help that he was the most popular boy in school,” Negan commented causing her to roll her eyes.

“You were just as popular,” she retorted thinking back to when they were young and how they both got a lot of attention from people. “You both had girls fawning over you with you playing sports.”

“Joel was just the quarterback on the football team and you know how us Americans are with our football,” Negan grumbled under his breath and she wondered if that really was the case for her in the past. Because she felt like she had been in love with Joel from the first moment she saw him “I didn’t make you feel special?”

“You made me feel better than anyone else did Negan,” she corrected him but she could tell that he didn’t believe her. “You were my best friend. You were the most important person in my life. And then you just stopped being part of my life. You never answered my calls. You never came to see me. You left without saying goodbye.”

“I was an asshole. I should have told you,” Negan acknowledged, his raspy voice quiet when he swept his fingers at the top of the table. “I was just so heart broken that I was so mad. I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to talk to you and that…”

“Was my fault,” she interrupted him so he couldn’t take credit for the whole thing.

“Our fault,” he added knowing that it took both of them not having the strength to actually talk to each other after things fell apart between them.

“I came to say goodbye to you when I was leaving,” Negan admitted, lowering his head and she could tell that once again he wasn’t comfortable looking her in the eye while he spoke.

“What happened?” she pushed for an answer and Negan’s hazel eyes lifted to meet her stare that was desperate for a response.

“I uh…” Negan thought of what to say, brushing his fingers through his short beard. “I wimped out. I thought you would get mad at me, so I just left.”

“All this time it never hit me,” she was angry with herself when that bomb of a confession was unloaded onto her. “I called you when the kids were born. I wanted you to be Elizabeth’s godfather. You never returned my calls. That was because of this? Because of what I did. This whole time I just thought Lucille wasn’t comfortable with you being my friend.”

“It’s uh…” Negan shifted, his raspy voice changing when he shrugged his shoulders. “It’s complicated.”

“Joel was your best friend too. Unless I’m wrong, but we were all so close,” she remembered what it was like when they were all together as friends. It had Negan smirking and bringing his hand up to drag it down over the front of his face in a stressed movement.

“Yeah, he was,” Negan retorted with a firm nod, biting down on his bottom lip. It looked like Negan wanted to say something, but he stopped and shrugged his shoulders. “I lost my two best friends when the two of you hooked up. I should have just dealt with it. I guess I was just jealous. I’m sorry I became such a shitty friend.”

“It’s my fault,” she owned up to her own decisions that led to her losing Negan in the past. “You can say it was you, but it wasn’t. I had everything in my hands with you and I…”

“Everything that was supposed to happen did,” Negan didn’t want her regretting the choices that she made so long ago. “I see the way you talk about your children. You love them very much and they were meant to be here. I just at the time didn’t understand, but now I do. My journey with Lucille was supposed to happen and yours was meant to happen with Joel.”

“You’re right,” she agreed with him knowing that she would never give up her children, even if she was given a second chance to do things over because her children meant everything to her. “You just deserved better than what you were given.”

“And so did you,” Negan retorted with a tip of his head, sweeping his thumb across his bottom lip. Looking over his shoulder, he started to pull himself from the booth and gave her a weak smile. “I’m going to use the bathroom really quick. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Yeah,” she looked worried about him, but he waved it off like it was nothing.

Taking notice of the bathrooms, Negan realized there was one in the back that looked like it was the least busy of them all. He needed a moment to breathe after he just let all of that trauma unload after having it pent up for so long. Pushing the door of the bathroom open, Negan moved for the sink and braced his weight against it. Staring out at himself in the mirror, he cussed to himself knowing that he didn’t want to question her like that since he wanted to give her a good time, but it just came out. He felt like such an asshole knowing that he was going to make her feel guilty about everything that she knew.

Turning the water on cold, Negan threw some water in his face and heard the sound of the door pushing open. Looking over his shoulder, Negan saw that it was Y/N standing at the door. Standing up slowly, he turned off the water and turned to face her with his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat. Giving Negan a once over, she reached behind her to lock the door to the bathroom. Bracing himself back against the sink, Negan assumed that she was going to erupt on him for throwing all of that on her.

Instead, she stepped forward and he felt her fingers stretching out to curl around the side of his neck. A soft tug brought him down to her for her lips to brush against his in the most tender of sweeps. It lingered for a moment before another kiss grew between them. It had her stepping closer to him with her tipping up on her toes to deepen the caress of her mouth against his. Bracing his hands against her hips, Negan cherished the warmth of her before him. With each second their kiss grew more passionate with her parting her lips allowing the warmth of his tongue to brush against hers.

Grunting out, Negan felt her fingers dragging down over his abdomen to reach for his belt to start pulling it apart. The tug was rough, pulling his hips toward her when she got it open. Tugging apart his pants and then dragging down the zipper had her palm dipping beneath the material of his pants and boxer briefs for her to curl her fingers around the root to his masculinity.

“Wait,” Negan groaned against her lips, pulling away slightly while she unhurriedly caressed over his semi-erect cock. Shaking his head, he knew that he would be angry at himself later if he realized that she was doing this out of guilt. “You don’t have to do this to make me feel better. That’s not why I did this. I don’t want you to do this out of guilt.”

“It’s not,” she assured him, nipping faintly at his bottom lip and it had him lowering down in closer to her. Raspy moans from Negan followed when she easily got him rigid in her grasp. Pulling him from behind the material of his pants had her dropping her eyes down to look over his manhood. Licking his lips, Negan’s eyelids were heavy. “Wow.”

“You act like you’ve never seen it before,” Negan growled with amusement in his tone. “Other than Lucille, I’m not sure there is anyone that’s seen it more than you.”

“It’s been a long time,” she reminded him, testing his flesh in her palm keen on watching his response. “I’m still impressed. And you are so fucking hot now…”

“I wasn’t then?” he teased her, his hips slightly bucking up toward her touch. Hovering his lips over hers made her smile.

“Every time felt like the first time with you,” she slurred, kissing softly at his bottom lip. Stepping back, she brought her fingers up to her lips. Sucking faintly at the tips, she was quick to drop her hand back down. Using that to slick it against his shaft making it easier to jerk him off. It had him clinging to her, his nose nuzzling in against the side of her neck. He was like puddy in her hands, his body shaking at the excitement to be near her again. “You are perfect. You always were.”

“No, I’m not,” Negan declared with a shake of his head, his lips crashing down over hers to steal another kiss. Purring out against his flesh, she liked the way that Negan reacted to every touch. How it seemed like it would be the end of the world if he didn’t kiss her. Every kiss from him took her breath away and it was so vastly different from what she was used to with Joel. Lowering his left arm, he curled it around her waist and spun her so that her back was pressed against the wall. Dragging his hands down over her sides, Negan’s fingers reached the bottom of her dress and he tugged it up slightly. Hooking eyes, he wanted to make sure that she wanted this. Caressing up over her thigh toward her warmth had her biting back a sharp exhale. Pushing aside the material of her panties, Negan’s rough fingertips traced over the length of her sex. Moaning out, her hips pressed in closer to him wanting to have that contact. Kissing over her jawline, Negan moaned against her flesh with her continuing to jerk him off. It had his hips bouncing up toward her caress and Negan was already a much more verbal lover showing her that he appreciated what she was doing. “You have no idea how much I’ve fucking missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” she whispered, turning in toward him so she could bring their lips together. Crying out against his lips, she felt one of Negan’s long, slender digits taking its time to thrust into her having her purring out. With her free hand, she sank her fingers into Negan’s hair and did her best not to cry out when he added another. The speed of his fingers inside of her matched the way her hand sheathed his heated flesh in her grasp. “Negan…”

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Negan mouthed against her lips, his moans growing deeper when his tongue brushed against hers. Their breathing was loud and broken. Both of them desperate to touch the other. Be near each other. Everything from their past was quickly coming back to them. And it all felt right.

Nuzzling his nose in against hers, their foreheads pressed together. The warmth of his breath felt incredible over her lips while his fingers knew just the right spots to hit. This was something they would have done when they were younger and it felt like they were falling back into things again so easily.

“Fuck,” she whimpered out against his lips noticing just how much her body was shaking. Pretty quickly he had found the right spot inside of her to focus on. It was crazy how easily Negan caught onto things by paying attention to her expression. Determination flooded his body, the look he was giving her causing her heart to pound harder inside of her chest. Trying to stand steady on her feet was hard to do because her legs were trembling. A fire was building inside of her. Slamming her eyes shut, she buried her face against Negan’s shoulder biting back on the cries that wanted to escape her. Thankfully Negan had her pressed firmly against the wall where she could brace herself against his body. By the sensation and pressure that was building up inside of her, it made it feel like the room was spinning around her. The sensation was new in the best of ways but also made her nervous. “Negan…Negan…I think…”

“It’s okay, let it happen,” Negan hushed her, covering her mouth with his. It was like he knew he was going to have to do his best to keep her quiet. Tightening her grasp around his erection elicited a deep, raspy growl that sent chills down her spine. Clinging tightly to him, her hips rocked against the movements of his fingers. An addictive, euphoric sensation was sweeping over her. Throwing her head back, she was having a hard time focusing on anything other than how good everything felt. Not wanting to take his eyes off of her, Negan’s lips parted. A muscle at the corner of his jaw flexed and he seemed just as much into this as she was. Involuntarily her thighs started tremoring and by the rushing ache that flooded to her head, she felt like she could almost pass out. Approaching her orgasm, she stole another kiss from his lips. Wet sounds started to fill the air with his fingers still moving as she came. Even though she wanted to fall against him, she kept up with caressing his length in steady, fluid movements. Every part of her felt like it was on fire with Negan thrusting his hips up toward her grasp. “Fuck…”

Forcing herself to look down, she purred out seeing the first line of cum shoot out from the tip of his cock. Burying his head against the side of her neck, Negan’s moans vibrated against her flesh while she worked to milk him completely in her hand. Slowing down her movements, she continued her slick caress over his body focusing at the red, swollen tip.

Grunting, Negan’s free palm caressed in over the side of her neck, capturing her jaw between his index finger and thumb. Looking down between them, Negan licked his lips when she released his body and it twitched a few times, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, panting as she spoke. The floor was wet from what Negan had done to her and she could barely catch her breath. “I uh…I’ve never done that before. That was…new?”

“Really?” an arrogant smile followed and it made Negan look entirely too cocky. But that was the Negan she knew. The Negan she grew up with. “Good. I’m glad you shared your first time with me.”

Negan brought their lips together again in a kiss that was slow, allowing her to still come down from her high, “I learned some things over the last few years. The female body is a very interesting subject.”

“No kidding,” she half laughed, using her free hand to caress down over the side of his chiseled jawline. There was something in the way that Negan looked at her that made her feel incredibly special. It took her breath away. Even when they were done, she was impressed with the way that he helped clean her up before cleaning himself up. Gathering herself, she couldn’t help but be in awe of him. Bracing herself against the sink, she knew that she was still trembling, likely looking like a mess.

Working his pants back together, Negan approached her. Having the warmth of him near had her trembling all over again, “Negan?”

“Yeah,” Negan lowered his head, nudging her nose with his.

“Do you…” she considered what she was going to ask, swallowing down hard. Wetting her lips, she found her heart skipping a beat at the way he turned into her palm to press a tender kiss over the center of her hand. “Do you want to go home with me?”

Slightly turning his head, Negan rubbed his cheek against her hand. The roughness from his short stubble tickled at her flesh before he gave her a big smile, “Do you want me to go home with you?”

Tipping his head back drew attention to the prominent vein at the side of Negan’s neck. It was hard to gather words. But more than anything she knew her answer. And that was yes. Nodding once had Negan snickering and he clicked his tongue at the top of his mouth.

“Then yes, I would love to go home with you,” Negan slurred, lifting his hand to hook his fingers with hers. “I’d like that very fucking much.”

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis

[absolutebl]

Mirror mirror on the wall,who are the top 5 greenest flags of them all?

ooof, this is more @heretherebedork than my cuppa but lemme see

you didn't specify seme or country so that makes my life easier, because bettcha can't guess who's gonna top this list

My Top 5 Greenest Flags in BL!

Noh from Love Sick

Look, he's just like the Nicest Little Dude. He's loyal and kind and good to his friends, and tries really hard to communicate the truth and be honest about his feelings even when he's a crazy hormonal teen and doesn't understand his own or anyone else's. Noh is not just any green flag he's a teenager green flag. That never happens.

Xun An from My Tooth You Love

He is so damn sweet and thoughtful and he tries so hard to protect everyone (except himself). But it's that moment in the car where he finally understands the extent of his baby's psychological issues that we all got to meet The Real Deal. Because what does he do? OMG he actually recommends Bai Lang seek professional help, from an actual therapist! Like that's THE MOMENT. The biggest green flag balls we have ever seen in a BL. Ever. I will brook no discussion on this matter.

Plustor from Destiny Seeker

Bite me. I know you haven't seen this. How do I know? No one has seen this show. Such a shame. Plustor is 1/2 of the 3rd-string couple, the crumbs, the freshmen babies. Most of the drama is with the 2 older pairs, but these boys are GREAT. One of them is out gay (with his shit together) who hooks up with hot jock CHAOS bisexual and we all think we know where it's going (because when does the chaos bi have his shit together and not act like a predator slut? - yes I AM looking at you, Mame). Except, Plustor fucking TOTALLY has his shit together! He researches gay sex and how to do it right, he asks his new bf questions, he communicates his self-confidence issues over never having been with a dude before. He talks. They talk. As a result these kids spend most of the show annoyed by the unnecessary drama of their piers who do NOT have their shit together and being the best bfs ever.

Mork from My Ride

What, you surprised? Mork goes through an entire identity crisis and manages NOT to drag anyone else into his drama. He keeps his life together, takes care of his family, asks his gay uncles for advice, realizes he is in love. He does not force that love on his beloved. Instead he stays in the side lines, tries to be a good supportive friend to the object of his affection, and a consistently chooses the path of decent human being. He's careful and kind and communicative when he eventually does make his move. Stand up dude! Adorable dimple! We likie.

Yak from Wandee Goodday

I feel like I have to include someone from this year because Green Flag Semes are such a 2024 trend. For me, it just had to be Yak. He such a great communicator and he just defines the GGG (good, giving, game) attitude that one wants in a sexual partner. I gotta say, it's actually not uncommon to have better sexual communication with a play partner or a fuck buddy than within a relationship. It was nice to see that portrayed on our screens in a BL. Whatcha know, mature characters being mature and shizz. Insanity.

I have to say, if you had given me 6, Alan from Pit Babe would have also made this list.

Others I Thought About

Seryou (Seven Days)

Kakeru (I Cannot Reach You)

Ida (My Love Mix Up)

Kyosuke (Sugar Dog Life) - does cluelessness count?

Kazuma (Tokyo in April)

Both in Some More

Qizhang (About Youth)

Sato (See You After Quarantine?)

Tatch (2 Moons 3)

X (21 Days Theory)

King (Bed Friend)

Khun (Brothers)

Karan (Cherry Magic)

Fueangnakhon (City of Stars)

Gun (Tossera)

Ram (La Cuisine)

Ae (Love By Chance) - I'm WELL AWARE I'm picking a Mame character

God (Monster Next Door)

Li (Moonlight Chicken)

Sun (Sunset X Vibes)

Latte (Knock Knock Boys)

Moo (Only Boo!)

Rome (Puppy Honey)

Alan (Pit Babe)

Touch, Sky (Secret Crush on You)

Na (Tonhon Chonlatee)

Tan (We Are)

San (You're My Sky)

Oh should I define what green flag means to me?

respectful: no dubious consent, takes no for an answer and stops, alcohol is not an excuse,

honest: depicted demonstrating good communication - verbal, emotional, physical

safe: practices safe sex

decent: no violations (emotional, ethical, moral, sexual, cultural, or ya know legal) like breaking into his fucking hotel room

dependable: I'd be fine if my nibbling were trapped in an elevator with him

kind: forthright and not inclined to be manipulative

(source)

[dragonagitator]

What do all y'all think about headcanoning that Dr. Allison Cameron on House MD has borderline personality disorder?

It's not a perfect fit, but there's currently no good in-universe explanation as to why she behaved so inconsistently from episode to episode, including straight-up contradicting herself on numerous occasions. (The IRL explanation is that she was written inconsistently because her role in the show was to merely act as a foil for the other characters instead of being a fully developed character.)

DSM-5 diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, with the symptoms Cameron exhibited on the show bolded:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

That's only 4 and you need 5 for a diagnosis, but we don't really know what was going on inside her head so it's entirely plausible that she could have been experiencing #1 and #9 and just never disclosed it to anyone.

I ask not because I enjoy diagnosing fictional characters for shits and giggles but because I'm writing a House MD fanfic and I have absolutely no idea how to write Cameron. How do you write consistent, believable characterization for someone who didn't even have that in canon?

I do, however, have plenty of IRL experience with friends and exes who have BPD, as well as with briefly being misdiagnosed with it myself before a more competent psychiatrist changed my diagnosis to CPTSD instead. So I've done enough reading on the topic that I'm confident I could believably write a character with BPD.

In the show, it seems like Chase was a stabilizing influence on Cameron, but they will never get together in my isekai fanfic because my author-self-insert OFC will steer Chase away from Cameron long before she has the chance to sink her claws into my precious baby boy.

So, one of the potential unintended consequences of the OFC changing canon could be that Cameron is much more emotionally unstable now. An unattached Cameron would probably also be much more relentless in her pursuit of House, which creates a nice obstacle for the House/OFC slow burn that will be the central ship of my story.

Meanwhile, one of the central themes of my story will be how quickly things can go completely off the rails when you think you can predict the future. The OFC being unpleasantly surprised to discover that the tradeoff of making Chase's and House's lives better is that Cameron's life is now significantly worse would fit into that theme well.

If you're a Cameron fan, what are your thoughts on writing her as if she has BPD? Especially if it was done purposely, instead of how she was inadvertently written that way on the show.

[fritzes]

some disorganized thoughts about challengers (some spoilers):

so I already talked about this but good god, mike faist's backhand was literally just domi's and yes I was insane about it the entire time

"challengers is a poorly disguised fedal fanfic" wrong. challengers is a poorly disguised rafole fanfic

like, the friends who are idealistically staring out on tour growing distant from each other? come on

every tennis scene felt like a sex scene which was the point, but I just feel the need to point that out because they executed it SO well

if art donaldson was a real tennis player I just know I'd be obsessed with him

all three lead performances were great. zendaya stole the show, which did not surprise me, but the guys were amazing too!

a decent chunk of the movie took place at the 2006 us open and andy roddick's face was EVERYWHERE. he was also on a poster at the atlanta open and I think cincy too? some other player posters I saw were andy murray, roger (for a very brief second), agassi, and isner

the product placement was hilarious. during one scene they lingered on some on shoes for a solid two minutes

the injury scene. oh my god. absolutely gut wrenching. the sound effect sounded so real and zendaya's scream and reaction... damn. damn. good shit

the actual challenger final was hilarious because they could not keep track of who was serving. at 5-5 in the third set mike faist was serving and then again at 5-5 in the third set josh o'conner was serving and then mike faist was serving at 6-5 and then what do you know josh o'conner was serving at 5-6. it was like that for the whole movie, the actual scoreline was consistent but the server kept switching. mike faist was up an early break in the third when josh o'conner got a game penalty but in the next scene it was on serve and the scoreline hadn't changed

tennis-wise, that was the only thing that really bothered me, obviously the form and point construction wasn't going to be perfect and I think they used the tennis scenes really well as symbols for the relationships

there were some scenes where I was like "oh yeah I've definitely read this in a fic"

the underarm serve. I had to stop myself from cackling. it was the worst underarm serve I have EVER seen, it bounced basically on the service line (of course the whole point was that the other guy was throwing the point but still). it screamed stefaniil and I loved it

the last point was insane. I'm obsessed

zendaya's "come on!" and the explanation and then the callback at the end was absolutely perfect, hats off to the writer because that got me like "ooh"

the slo-mo in the last scene was killing me because I had to pee SO BAD (the theater played like eight fucking trailers it was insane) so I probably didn't appreciate the ending enough oops

[prospectivehero]

VICTOR AND NORA, A GOTHAM LOVE STORY- Written by Lauren Myracle, Illustrated by Isaac Goodhart

Confession time: I'm terrible with names (real life and fictional). Even with my associate's degree in Batmanology, my poor name recognition missed the significance of Victor Fries, a resident of the city of Gotham. When the part of my brain that doesn't require caffeine to function decided to look up some familiar names when I was halfway through the novel, I was heartbroken. Would it have been better for me to be surprised by the ending, I wasn't sure, but I didn't think I could expect a happy ending from "a gotham love story."

This is a rough read. Much like Constantine and Miracle Man, it's not something to read when you're in a bad headspace. I'll talk more about it in the trigger warnings, but this story focuses on death and dying. Victor is burdened by a loved one's death in his past, which he feels at fault for. He has become cold to the people around him and feels safe studying cryogenics in solitude. Nora only sees death in her future due to an incurable progressive disease that will slowly deteriorate her functionality, personality, and treasured memories before it kills her. But she refuses to let this illness take anything valuable from her, so she has decided to plan her suicide and leave this world as herself. But she's given herself time to make more memories with a boy she met in a cemetery.

I was not in a good headspace reading this comic. I won't go into full detail, just know that I was having several identity crises overlapping one another. I'm in a better headspace now that I've figured some stuff out, but during that experience, these very well-developed characters hit especially hard. Nora's relationship to her illness and battle with its ever-increasing presence felt relatable since I battle a progressive disability. The two are not the same, but I understood her desire not to tell any of her friends so they wouldn't have to watch her suffer and degrade. When she tells Victor, I relate to his desperation to keep her with him since she makes him feel alive and loved.

If you recognized the names you probably could figure out where the story is going but it's worth the read. The story feels very personal. The illustrations, by Jason Goodhart, consistently match the feeling of Lauren Myracle's story and none of the beautiful character designs distract from the weight of everything that happens. There were breaks in the story that reference other artists or stories like Tim Burton or Titanic (1997) to serve the story. I think these breaks flowed well, but I could understand if it's not everyone's cup of Mountain Dew. This is my new second favorite graphic novel, despite how I reacted to it while reading it. I highly recommend picking it up.

TRIGGER WARNINGS (with potential spoilers) -

1) Death - Victor frequently remembers the fire that he accidentally started as a child that destroyed the family house and took the life of his older brother, Otto Freeze.

2) Planned and Attempted Suicide - Nora reasons that this is the only way she can die as herself, so she sets a date and a means and writes a letter to her father. She is stopped before she can complete her plan. Her note is read at the end of the novel.

3) Secondary Mourning - This comic gives time and space to mourn with the characters as they mourn their past and future. We see how Nora views her illness and how Victor views himself. It was a unique experience, being given an opening to grieve in moments that may feel very familiar to many of us, but it can be painful if you're not ready to feel those feelings.

4) Sex (Consentual) - It is as PG-13 and fade-to-black as a sex scene could possibly get, but it doesn't hide the fact that it happened.

5) Language - Much like Constantine, I tuned it out, which means I had to skim through the novel. I saw rare uses of language to the tune of "s***".

[goose3gg]

Veronica Mars: A blog as I watch the film post seasons 1-3 *Spoilers*

No way veronica is with Piz is the first thing I have to say. It is majorly alluding to never escaped a small town, but the intro was incredibly endearing. Veronica and her dad’s relationship has always been my favorite in the show. The reunion is very adorable and raw, awkward, and clunky just like real life. Being in my early I current live in rabid fear of my ten-year high school reunion, but this movie captures the habits you fall into when you reunite with old friends. The movie knows what its viewers are expecting, and even throw in a few extra stars amongst the fully returned cast, including Mac, Dick, and Wallace. I love that the film is reflecting on the youthful days of high school with love and longing, but not returning to them. Choosing a more mature color palette and camera angles is doing everything it hoped for it, and it looks great on Kristen Bell and how she’s perfectly stepping back into the role. Still, I was hoping that Logan would have grown up and stopped messing around, yet it makes perfect sense he was always still just holding himself together, after everything he’s been through. It is odd to me that Mac took a job at Kane software, but only being in the exposition I’m assuming it’ll be a key element to proving Logan’s innocence. Veronica just slipped on her leather jacket and has declared this her “farewell tour.” It is classic Veronica to end up in her suspects apartment under false pretenses, and to eventually get arrested… and bailed out by an old ‘friend’ who wants to blackmail her. Logan and Veronica’s chemistry is palpable even after all these years, and Logan’s sarcasm [and Veronica’s] has grown charming with age. Wow… I can’t believe Madison is here… my least favorite character. I love the interesting awkward interaction with Gia, and adorable one with Weevil. I adore Weevil’s growth and excitement to show off his new life to Veronica. I am surprised that Veronica’s sex tape continues to be used against her and brought up time and time again, as that literally is revenge porn, yet not surprising Madison is using it against her. This ending in a fight I saw, but not Veronica punching Madison in the face. It is satisfying seeing the growth in the gathering of evidence, especially because rather than gossip it’s translated to reflecting on memories. The film truly sat down and thought “where would these characters be in ten years.” I am insanely shocked Weevil got shot by Celeste Kane scared, in her broken down car. I love the choice to make this film as the consistent storylines that stack is crucial to the Veronica Mars feel, especially the original first season, as the overlapping storylines make the mystery solving satisfying. The fun cameos keep returning! I am endeared that Max Greenfield returned for this film! He is adoring, and the call backs to the TV show are short and sweet. Unfortunately, I do think the show had to choose to write off the original Sheriff Lamb for allegedly ‘ego’ reasons, I wish they had him around for this movie, because the call backs don’t work as well with a new sheriff who hates the Mars for no reason. I continue to be shocked by the cameos in this movie, or not so cameo by James Franco and Sue Heck, or Eden Rebecca Sher. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many original cast members return to a movie before since the High School Musical movie series, including Vinny. Veronica ditching Piz’s family, to me, is exactly why they shouldn’t have been together for this long, but I suppose as Veronica missed her job opportunity the point is that she’s over dedicated to this case. I don’t know if she’s truly overcommitted to this case, or if she just wants justice. I’m unshocked that the plot is surfacing to be a corrupt cop plotline, but shocked that Mr. Mars and the uncorrupt cop were in a continuous hit and run! This movie keeps me guessing. Part of me feels like it’s the big bubble of Neptune that was waiting to burst or could be the CW’s effect on drama shows. Logan never stops being adorably caring exactly when he needs to be, but I am tired of them reuniting with a passionate kiss… although classic and would have preferred Artic Monkeys instead of the Hozier-esque music they chose, and since when is the movie more PG than the show?! The relationships are always so obviously painted in front of us, Cobb and Gia I saw coming from a mile away. I also can’t believe that [Congressmen Boyfriend] is now listening to Veronica and Gia’s conversation… this could go in all directions. I am ultimately disappointed the ‘friend died at a bad party situation’ of the high school reunion but appreciate the blackmail storyline… cannot believe Gia got shot!! [Currently terrified while Cobb...? searches for Veronica] Ending on the news stories and Veronica asleep at her dad’s bedside, and of course on how days separated between Veronica and Logan don’t mater. “Come back to me” Veronica says. “Always” Logan replies. Absolutely adorable. Although I don’t necessarily agree that Veronica Mars returning to Neptune to solve crimes is her getting back to the ring that she always needed to be in, but I understand this all was a big promotion for the return of the television show, the fourth season that is. I am dying to read the Veronica Mars novels; I enjoyed the pacing and quick wit/self-awareness the show plays into. I originally started the show because I saw some clips on Tik Tok, and noticed how many rising stars were in the original cut of the show. Now to begrudgingly watch the fourth season, although I haven’t heard amazing things. Thank you, Veronica Mars, for all you’ve granted me and I look forward to the rewatch.

[dolphs-world]

Too much faith in above

Friends is a generic but decent show. And it is probably the best generic show. I have only watched a handful of episodes from the first 2 seasons but if I remember correctly there are only a handful of plotlines, we were on a break, Joey and Rachel, Ross and Emily, basically just how drawn out Ross and Rachel's stuff was, that are bad. Hell, I caught some season 10 episodes on reruns and I was actually belly laughing! And I've seen this show like 20 times thanks to my sister. It's consistent and that's the draw. So I've heard people criticise Jerry Seinfeld's acting in Seinfeld but it's never bothered me. Everyone is much better, I can admit, but he gets the job done. In Friends, everyone feels like they are just playing themselves. Which brings up a thought my mother and I had, what makes a good actor? Tom Cruise is very good at playing one type of character, he feels authentic and genuine. But contrast this with Edward Norton, a guy who every role of his feels different. Even if Tom Cruise is better at one role than Norton is at all, Norton is still the better actor. Even with this in mind, the actors in Friends suck. Anytime a guest is on the show I am floored by how much better at acting and more convincing they are as character's with significantly less screen time. You wanna know what the best scene is in all of Friends? When Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear for a cold opening! They're semi-competent but it just surprises me that Jennifer Aniston famous from that. She's the worst one! And honestly I'm surprised, I know Lisa Kudrow is a good actor. She's definitely a league above the rest but she too defaults to the same mannerisms. Except for David Schwimmer, he is a great actor. I know Ross gets worse in his beliefs as the show goes on and turns into a bit of a butt monkey but he is the best actor. Maybe he should have been Jerry in Seinfeld? Now watching a show from 30 years ago, where $1 then = $2 now, about a bunch of people who seldom work, it's dated to say the least. Again, honestly Ross, at this point, is probably the best when it comes to this. He's proud that Joey is able to take financial gambles when he cannot and gives away his ex-wife to her new one. But there's no consequences. Like anytime they lose a job there's always a back up. And when the back-up sucks it doesn't make sense that they don't help each other out. There's an episode where half of them are mad that the other half don't realise that they make less money and when the richer ones help out they deem it charity. You're not Walter White, swallow your pride! Do you know how lucky you are? (sidenote: Susan, the woman who "stole" Carol from Ross is the one who offers money to Walter White in Breaking Bad). I think an ultra left class critical analysis of these old shows is a bit of a waste but it's really hard not too. I think this aspect of the show is worse than any of transphobia. They're always talking about sex but money? No no no, that might be to real. No, let's focus on how women like commitment and men don't. Yay! That's another thing the show does, it really props up the whole women are from venus and men are from mars. Again, it's hard not to be critical when analysing how this may have shaped norms at the time. But I think the gay jokes are still funny, mainly due to the ignorance of the characters. And again, they had a Lesbian couple as supporting characters. Joey is very comfortable in his sexuality and it may be because he is Italian but it is still great to see! Also Rachel to the man who she thinks is Chandler's dad, a drag queen. "What's your name?" "Amanda" "Oh! I Get it! A-man-duh!" But the worst part of the show is how repetitive it is. I always thought Chandler was the funny one but it's really Joey, Phoebe, and Ross. He's on Family Guy levels of one-liners. If there's any take away from this post is do not binge watch TV! Appreciate it before it's gone forever!!!

[bisexualboyinterrupted]

Untitled 2023

Prologue

Storm came and rain came pouring down along with it. I danced under the rain. I was carefree. I was living in the moment. But like all storms that come and go, so did Storm. And like all storms, if you do not leave while the flood rises, you will drown. And if you did not drown, it will leave you devastated. I did not leave. He left. And I was left broken.

After my break up with Storm, I went on a four month bender. I partied hard. I got drunk. I had lots of sex and contracted STDs. Because I believe that sex is the best way to recover. I know no other ways to cope. All I know is how to self-destruct. Must be the Borderline Personality Disorder. 

On the outside I was living the moment. I was fucking game. But on the inside, I was a complete mess. I looked for Storm in every man I slept with and every man I dated. Self-destruction, my only way to live. And it did not help seeing Storm happy with JC, the guy he left me for. It felt unfair. Unfair that JC got the version of Storm that I have always wanted: the one who commits, the one who comes through, the one who loves. Storm got his happily ever after. Why not me? I hate depression.

Antidepressants should keep you “anti-depressed”. But it just made me feel nothing. I felt like nothing. My room was a mess. My mind was a mess. I was a mess. And no amount of boys, partying, meaningless sex, drugs, and alcohol made me feel anything. I have this void inside of me that cannot be filled. 

I wanted to feel something. Until one day, I did. And it all started with that one notification: “Jaedehn Leih replied to your story”

Untitled 2023

I was on a four month bender. I was not looking for anything serious. I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt again after getting attached. But deep down, I am manifesting true love. I am craving for true love. I want unconditional love. Real love. Cannot-live-without each other type of love.

Everyone I met bored me. Everyone I met was a quick-fix. Everyone I met was just a projection of me chasing after something that could make me feel something. But alas, no one came close. No one was consistent enough. I was just like what I was projecting onto them: a quick-fix for something. 

I post thirst-traps because what better way to get a quick fuck than to post one? My therapists would have scolded me if I was honest with them. But again, I always go back to my self-destructive behaviors. I wanted validation, even if I get sexualized in the process - which I still resent up to this day, but it’s a quick-fix. After? I feel nothing again. 

But one day, someone replied to one. Jaedehn Leih Navarro. They added me a few days back. I saw a lot of mutuals, and I don’t mind accepting friend requests. An opportunity to grow my circle and meet new people. 

A reply to my thirst traps is something I do entertain but I just brush off afterwards. Because it was a reply to a quick-fix. But this one kept the conversation going. The conversation was sexual, as predicted. So I considered them just one of those other boys: someone who wants to fuck. But I felt something. 

I felt something. And then I felt more. As the conversation progressed, I started to feel more. And when it stopped. I felt nothing. I did not expect another conversation. Until I got more messages from them.

After that reply, they continued to initiate conversations with me. Every story I make, they will react to it, reply to it… even the most mundane ones. They were consistent. I was aghast. I was taken aback. And what more, I was perplexed. But then again, I thought, “this person just wants me physically.”

I am used to it. Guys just want me physically. Physical attraction is the worst for me. Oh how I loathe it. I want someone who will like me for me. Not because I look good. Don’t call me beautiful. Call me artistic, talented, intelligent. It felt ingenuine. It felt conditional. So I was surprised with how they showed interest in my most mundane things.

“I have a mole in the middle of my chest. And the mole has a mole.” They kept talking to me. And I learned a couple of things about them. I learned they use they/them pronouns as they were nonbinary. They were 19. Young. Too young for me. But then again, I did not mind then because it was new and I started feeling again. They liked making playlists which I liked because I did the same. We listened to the same type of songs, which did not come as a shocker. I have a very diverse taste in music. But what shocked me was them liking Radiohead. 

They were 19. They were not born yet when Radiohead started. And most people like Coldplay more than Radiohead (I still strongly believe that Radiohead would have been as mainstream as Coldplay if the lead of Radiohead was as conventionally attractive as Coldplay’s - because that is what the real world is, physical attributes). And that’s what I liked about them. Because if they like Radiohead, they like substance. They see beyond the superficial.

Later on I learned that they did drag. I was just about to start my drag career then. I still remember the conversation vividly in my mind. We started talking about drag since I saw that we have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook who are drag artists themselves. They showed me their pictures of them in drag, and then it hit me. I saw them before. 

It was October of 2022. It was the monthly Drag Cartel competition at Nectar. I haven’t been in a long time but I went there to support a friend who I was crushing on. I made a promise to go support so I did. I initially wanted to go with Storm but he had other plans with other men. October was the beginning of the end of our relationship. 

So Drag Cartel. I was there. I saw everything. I met new people. But what I remembered was this cute drag artist who had their wig fall mid song. They still slayed though. The lip sync song was “I Put A Spell On You”. They were good. They were amazing. I could not keep my eyes off of them. But their music changed. And they were not able to proceed to the next round.

Later that night, I asked around who that queen was. “Starlett Hark”. I remembered the name because it reminded me of Scarlet Heart. 

“Are you Starlett Hark?” I asked. Because I saw the pictures I was reminded of the face. Then I proceeded to go to their profile. I started looking at pictures and everything. I really liked how they painted their face. And such a young age to be that good already. I was (and still is) a fan.

“How did you know?” they asked. And then they proceeded to tell me everything about their experiences in drag. How they started and where they were currently at. They told me about the queens they met and how their name came to be. I could listen to their stories all day. 

I told them about my interest in doing drag. So I told them I registered myself for the April competition. They were the first to tell me I got in. I remember the message “Baby! We got in!”. I thought it was cute. But I was afraid, because they were becoming attached. Then again, I cannot wait to see them. So I kept it cool. 

We continued talking almost every single day at this point. I told them about my plans for my look. I showed them the look I was working on. And then later that day, I made a story about me cutting my hair. They replied of course “you did not”. I showed them my haircut I gave myself. They told me they cut their hair too. There was one time they cut their hair and it started to look like a bowl. So cute. 

“I cannot wait to see you if I am being honest.” I told them. “You’ll see me in my party city wig.” I joked. It was fun. It was light. And I hate to admit it then but I was starting to like them. Maybe that was why I stopped talking to other guys. 

“Will you kiss me?” they asked.

“I will. And I will hug you too.”

And then they said “we’ll hug and kiss in our party city wigs.”

We have been talking consistently. Until there were days where we stopped. I did not think much of it. Because I expected it. And I can still go back to my roster. But then I saw why. They started posting melancholic posts. Posts I am familiar with. Of course I got worried. 

I messaged them. I told them they have me. I told them that they could rely on me. I told them that I may not show it, but I cared for them (I still do). What they said next shocked me. They told me “thank you so much. I love you.” 

Those three words. I was stunned. After a couple of heartbreaks, I learned not to say it. I learned not to express it. What's more was I cannot say it if I do not mean it. And I did not want to say it to them just for them to get their hopes up that I felt the same way only for me to not mean it. They did not deserve that.

I told them I appreciate what they said but I am unable to say it back. And I explained my reasons and they were okay with it. Since then we started talking frequently and consistently again. We sent each other updates. 

I told them about what I did that day. I sent them pictures of what I was eating. I told them about my closest friends, Lev, Andres, and Jester. 

Every weekend I always go out to meet my friends. It has become our thing. One night at Pop Up, I thought I saw them. Someone in a mullet. I immediately sent them a message asking if they were in the same place as I was. They said no. They were at some other place. I was disappointed when we were not in the same place. 

In the morning, I told my friend, Gelo (who also did drag), about them. It was the first time I told someone about them. I asked Gelo if he knew them. And I told Gelo about how I was starting to feel towards them. “Go for it, Gelo said.”

Later that day, when I got home, I messaged them. They told me that they and their friends had a gig near Cubao. A place where I was at in the morning. They told me how they were just hanging out in McDonald’s. I was disappointed again because I was nearby. We were in the same place at once at the same time again but did not know it yet. 

Days went by and we kept talking still. We talked about bleaching eyebrows and how they got in trouble at school for putting concealer on their brows. They then told me that we might not be able to see each other on the upcoming Drag Cartel. Of course, I was disappointed. But I brushed it off. 

They told me that they have a competition that day at another bar. I wished them well. And honestly I wanted them to win. They told me how disappointed they were that it was on the same day. They wanted to see me too. It was cute. They too were disappointed that we weren’t seeing each other still. They told me they will try so hard to convince the people at the bar to move the date. 

It was Cartel night. I put on the outfit I made. I layered my party city wig. I got angel wings because I wanted to look like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I did not post anything yet. So when they messaged me, I smiled. They said, “Good luck my angel. I love you.”

After the competition, they messaged me. They told me about how beautiful I looked that night. They told me how they wished they could be there. They told me that they told their friends about me. Being an introvert, I did not mingle with their friends that night, only with my own. I spent that night with Gelo, Andres, and Lev, especially after I got sexually assaulted that night. I did not told them about the sexual assault.

I forgot about the assault because all I could think of was them. They told me how they won and sent me a picture with their crown. I was overjoyed. I was so proud of them. How I wish I could have been there for them. 

We continued flirting online, from private messages to comments on each other’s posts. It was fun. It was cute. I was happy. Jaedehn managed to eclipse the six-month relationship I had with Storm. I stopped thinking about Storm. 

We talked more and more. They told me about the movies they have seen during quarantine. They told me countless stories. I anticipate their messages every day now. They continued to send me updates of where they were going, what they were doing, and how they have been. I did the same. 

I joined the May Drag Cartel again. This time there was a parade. And in the parade, I imagined myself with an escort. I imagined Jaedehn as my escort. So I posted a story about looking for one, trying to bait them. They did. 

My sister loaned me a pink dress because I wanted to look like Rapunzel. I put flowers on my hair. And I printed pictures of me and Storm. I wanted to rip and tear pictures of us because it was symbolic. That everything was over and done with Storm. That this new era was all with Jaedehn. Unfortunately, they did not come that night. 

I met with their friends again that night. But instead of teasing me with Jaedehn, they teased me with Eliza. People really thought I was head over heels for Eliza. But I was not. I liked her. But like her, I was not looking for anything serious then. And Eliza was just there so I could get over Storm. Every time I thought of Storm, I messaged Eliza. The gifts I sent her, were the gifts I wanted to give to Storm if we were still together. But that’s over now. Jaedehn was here. And that’s all that matters. 

Jaedehn messaged me the day after. They told me everything their friends said. It was cute. “I wish I went”. They told me. I wish they went too. 

I was glad I tore up those pictures. The storm had passed and Jaedehn’s here now.

They sent me a message about their upcoming show. Of course I wanted to go. And I promised I would. I also made a similar promise to my other friend, Francis (Kerrie), that I will go see their show. But to be honest, and everyone knows this, I wanted to go to Jaedehn. 

I talked to the one producing the show to somehow let me in. I was told I could be a door-bitch and I will be coming with Kerrie. Immediately, I told them I will be coming to their show. We were both excited. 

Days at work felt long. But those notifications from them kept me going. I was looking forward to something again. No offense to my friends, as they were there for me during my lowest but they know I was not looking forward to anything. I was just on autopilot: drinking every weekend and working every weekday. But when I met Jaedehn, and got to know Jaedehn, I looked forward to something. From their random messages to seeing them, I was looking forward to every single one. 

Every moment with them, I cherished. Every moment, even if it was just a simple message helped get me up every single day. I started counting down to seeing them.

The day came. It was rainy. I remember it very well. I messaged them that I will be seeing them soon. They told me that the event could get canceled. I told them that even so, I was hell bent on seeing them still. We would go out on a date instead. We both agreed and they fell asleep.

Later that day, I got word that there could be a new venue and the show will push through. Since they fell asleep, they were panicking. I told them to keep it together. And that we will see each other. They started getting ready and so did I. I went to Kerrie’s and needless to say, we were late. 

On the show, I was with Kerrie the whole time. But she has to go inside and I have to wait outside. Being an introvert, I was just quiet outside. I looked like a bitch but really, I was anxious to be out. And then the show started. I was mesmerized by Jaedehn. Every move was on point. They were good. 

After their set, we got close to each other. We started talking. We took pictures. They were already out of drag. They were not wearing a top and it was cold out. So I gave them my coat to cover up. And then we hugged. Finally, we hugged.

“This hug has been long overdue” we both said

After the show, we remained talking. That first hug. I still feel it to this day. We then decided to go to Pop Up after. I will be meeting my friends there so it was all good. I was supposed to ride a car with them but my other friends pulled me over so we decided to just see each other again at Pop Up.

During the ride, all I could think of was “I will be with Jaedehn at Pop Up.” When I got there, I immediately messaged them where I was and that I would wait for them. I met with my friends. We had drinks. We talked. And then Jaedehn came.

They did not sit with me and my friends because they were there with their friends. But we went to each other anyway (their friend even told me that they said no to making out with anyone because I was there). We talked a lot when we got to be alone together. 

Later my friends and their friends asked what we were. We haven’t decided yet so we talked alone. I told them, “I am done with my hoe phase now that I met you.” They smiled and said the same. “I love you” and that was the first time I said it and I knew then that I meant it.

We went back to our friends. One of their friends, Kai, even said “I wish I will find love like that.” I remembered saying “I waited for Jaedehn my whole life. And the wait was worth it. I care for Jaedehn a lot and I don’t want anyone else.” Their friends insisted on us kissing. But I was adamant to do so. Because I want them to feel comfortable doing so.

“Do you want us to kiss?” they nodded so we hid under my coat and we kissed. Our first kiss. It was not how I imagined it would be, especially the place where it would be. But it was great. Their lips. My lips. Apocalypse. 

Morning came. We held hands going to McDonald’s. We sat next to each other. There were a lot of people there, their friends, my friends, but we were in our little world. They fed me. I fed them. We kissed. We cuddled. One of my friends, Lev, approached me and said “I love seeing you finally happy. You deserve this.”

Normally, I hate the commute home. But we got to the train together, still our hands glued to each other. When they got off, we were still talking on messenger. When I got home, we continued talking. It was a core memory for sure.

Those heartaches and break-ups finally meant something. It led me to the person whom I wanted to spend my life with. It led me to the person who made me want to live again. I waited for someone like Jaedehn my whole life.

After a couple of days of talking since the meeting, I asked if they wanted to see the Little Mermaid with me. They agreed. Then they said something that made things official. “My bf”.

“So I am your boyfriend now?” I asked. They replied with “yes”. Our first date would be as boyfriends.

Our first date. We met at the train station. They were wearing black. They looked so cute. Immediately we hugged and kissed. They told me that on the way, they tripped on the stairs, ripping their pants. I told them they can use my jacket to cover it up. Luckily, it was not seen. They insisted on carrying my bag for me. 

We went and bought tickets. Before the movie started, we strolled around the mall with our hands holding each other. “Euphemism!” they exclaimed gleefully while pointing at a slogan from across the distance. “Euphemism!” they repeated with a smile on their face. “Don’t you mean alliteration?” I said. And I swear I saw their face turn red and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. I thought to myself as I held their hand “I am so in love with you and I do not want to lose you.”

They told me how they and their friends got lost at the last Leni Rally. They told me how they walked in drag in public. They told me about dressing up and preparing outside Nectar. They told me countless stories.

When it was time to see the movie, the theater was decorated heavily. It was like our love story, a real life fairytale. We got our freebies and went in. When the lights went dark and the movie started, we were both in awe. I kept glancing at them and could not help but smile. They sang along to the tunes in the movie. And we kept kissing in between. “You’re my princess.” I told them.

When the movie ended, we decided to go to the food court before heading out. We sat there in our own little world, talking about the Little Mermaid. We then decided to walk to the bus station. They told me about competing in last year's Cartel. They told me that they did half face paint. “The other face was full white face” they said. “And the other half was black face” I joked and we both laughed. 

On the bus ride, all the songs were romantic. And we talked about everything and anything. They whispered to my ear “I love you” and we kissed. We were all over each other. The songs played as if the Universe was confirming what we were feeling towards each other. 

When we met their friends, we ate. We fed each other. Talked. And I remember the introvert joke. Are homeless people introverted or extroverted? I had to meet up with another friend so we decided to see each other there.

It was so nice. So Nice, the song by Carly Rae Jepsen is the song that I dedicated to Jaedehn. When I met with my other friends, I told them all about Jaedehn, and how everything was just so nice. Jester agreed. And the funny thing that happened was, we were sitting at a table with an umbrella covering us. And the words written on the umbrella? It was “so nice”. 

That night I just waited for Jaedehn to show up. They came in the morning. My friends were seated on a table next to ours. And we were just hugging. We were in our own little world for lord knows how long when my friends decided to head to McDonald’s. 

We sat in the same place we were cuddling a few days back. We fed each other again. And then the music started playing. They whispered to me “the songs and the Universe, it’s about us again.” So we kissed. We hugged. Jaedehn’s hugs. Jaedehn’s warmth. It was so nice.

Since then, we started meeting frequently. On the most random of hours in a day, they would message me “psst. I love you.” And immediately my day was turned. Work was stressful but at least I have my boyfriend. “We are lesbian lovers” they said at one point. I forgot the context but the thought still makes me smile to this day. 

There was a time where I asked if they had eaten already. They said no. So I told them to buy McDonald’s and it’s on me. They asked me why I was doing that. I simply said “because I love you and I care for you, and that you’re my boyfriend.”

We were boyfriends so we told each other everything. And if there was anything I learned in the past relationships I have had is that when it comes to your relationship, others opinions and words do not matter. You and your boyfriend’s words matter. 

Every time we talked, I fell more and more. I always reminded everyone of how much I love my boyfriend. There was a time they told me that they were hurt when their family did not post pictures of them but did for others. Since then, I made sure to post their pictures when I get the chance and show the world how much I appreciated, admired, and adored them.

There was a time I shared a meme with them. It basically says “my boyfriend doing anything” and “me being so in love with them”. I told them it was me to them. And they said it was them to me. Unconditional love from my boyfriend. Unconditional love, something I was longing for. And they gave it to me. It was easy. It was nice. Unconditional love. Something my boyfriend gave to me and I gave back.

“We are twinning” I said. “No we are soulmates” they said. Because on the same day, after their gig, we said we would both be getting haircuts. That night was fun. During the day, they messaged me that they will have a gig. I said I will be coming. Because I missed them so badly. That day, I could not wait to log off work. When we met, we expressed how much we missed each other. I watched them perform. And after, we cuddled a lot. 

The first Saturday we did not see each other, they told me they had a dream. In the dream, their grandmother died. And they just want to be with their grandmother. When they woke up, they hugged their grandmother so tightly. I told them I understand. They said that they also had another dream where we were together and we were so happy. I said it was okay. We have years ahead of us and we could have more happy days together. 

We met a week after because they joined Dragdagulan. I missed them so much. And when I saw them up on that stage, I was so proud. Some queen even tried kissing them on stage. I was ready to fight. But they said no and did a split. I cheered. When it ended, I came up to them and hugged them. “Babe” they said. I hugged them and kissed them. We watched the rest of it together. Nothing else mattered because I have my boyfriend. I have Jaedehn.

After the Dragdagulan, I decided to go to Pop Up alone. Since Jaedehn wanted to rest. When I got there, I expected to have fun. But the night was not. 

A friend came up to me and said that my boyfriend was lying to me. I did not believe it. They said a couple of people came up to them saying the same thing. People were talking negatively about me, about them, about us. I cried that night. All I could think of that night was “I wish Jaedehn was here right now”. I went home immediately after and did not talk to anyone.

I told Jaedehn what everyone said, and I told them that I would believe them only them. Other people are just background noise. I made a public post about it because I was done with people talking about me and them. It happened with Storm and I did not want the same. I wanted to save my relationship with Jaedehn. 

Jaedehn and I continued to talk. Until the day before our monthsary. That day, I received no messages from them. I made sure to let them stay updated. I waited for their messages. Storm went to the office that day for his interview. I told him about Jaedehn. I told him how worried I was. And then Jaedehn messaged me. And all was good again. They told me they were just busy. I understood. After a couple of hours, they messaged me again. This time, they broke up with me. Once my shift was over, I cried to Storm. 

The next couple of days, I continuously messaged Jaedehn. I told them I love them. I gave updates. But none were seen. Their friends reached out to me, they told me to just wait for Jaedehn because Jaedehn will talk to me eventually. Rohan told me Jaedehn was going through things. Yohan told me that Jaedehn still loves me and was afraid that I would leave if I knew the truth. Mark told me to wait for Jaedehn and he’ll find a way for us to talk.

Cartel came. Mark was joining. I gave Rohan money so Jaedehn could come. It was the first time I saw them after the break up. I hugged them and told them how much I missed them. They remained quiet. I waited until they talked to me but they did not. So I went home after. 

I cried that night again and went to work with swollen eyes. Storm saw how I was doing. We grabbed a coffee before our shift started and I just cried. On shift I was working. In between breaks I was crying. When I went home, I continued crying. 

There was a time where I told Rohan and Mark to talk to Jaedehn. I said to relay that I would wait for them on the spot where we had our first date. They will show up right? They knew where I was. They knew that I would be waiting. They love me, so they will show up. Right? I went there early. And I waited… until the mall closed. I went home crying. But I have faith. 

I still messaged Jaedehn from time to time, waiting for a reply. One night, EJ and Rohan messaged me. It was about Jaedehn. They run away. An emergency at home. I already booked a ride home but I insisted the driver reroute so I could go to them. I stayed where I was. I waited for updates from their friends. I asked everyone I know. I told them to book a grab already to go to Jaedehn but they said they do not know where they are. I asked Storm to accompany me to look for them. After a couple of hours, I got an update. Jaedehn was okay now. So I went home. 

Mark invited me to go to Pop Up. Like last time, at my lowest, I had Lev, Andres, and Jester. This time, I have Mark, Rohan, Jason, Gelo, and Francis.

At Pop Up, I was there to have fun. I was there to make things light for me. I needed it. But it was not the case again. Someone came up to me and said “Aren’t you the one fucking a minor?” I confronted Rohan and the others about it. They confirmed it to be true. So that was the truth. I cried so hard that night. But at the back of my mind “did Jaedehn really think I would leave them? I love them so much. And I can wait. I will wait.”

I sent Jaedehn a video of Rohan being drunk. They replied. And then I told them that I know the truth already. I told them how I found out. And I told them I will not leave them no matter what. They told me they love me and that they miss me. We talked the whole night. They even joked about trying to disappear when they tried to break up with me. I told them I would not let that happen. We continued talking. And they even said that they just wanted to continue talking that night, even though I was already sleepy. I missed them so I did not sleep.

Since then we continued having conversations. I asked how they were doing and who they are currently staying with. I told them I want to go out with them. They said they were okay and no need to worry. They said that it sounds nice going out but they were locked up tight at their aunt’s place. I said I can wait. I can always wait for them.

Days went by and we continued talking. Until the conversations started to get dry. And they started acting mean towards me. I brushed it off. Mark told me that he suspected Jaedehn seeing another guy. Every time I asked Jaedehn, they brushed it off. I was not getting anything. 

Then one Saturday night. I confirmed it with Mark. But I told myself “Jaedehn would tell me”. The next morning, I confronted the guy. The guy confirmed. That was the only time Jaedehn messaged me again. They were angry at me. They said they regretted everything. I asked “Do you regret loving me?” and then I was blocked.

I cried the whole day that day. I did not leave my room. I called Mark and cried. I called Yohan and cried. The only time I went out was to pick up my sister from a concert. On the way home, I said my goodbyes to everyone I know and I swallowed a lot of sleeping pills. I overdosed. 

The next day, I woke up and went to the hospital alone. I went to work and I was back on autopilot. 

I was not okay. Was it all just a lie? Did our love not mean anything? Did I not mean anything? What happened? Where did I go wrong? 

August, I started to feel okay again. I met John Rhom. He became like Eliza when I was trying to move on from Storm. All the feelings I have for Jaedehn, I gave them to Rhom. Rhom knew about it. We were not meant to date. We were made to use each other. 

I lost my job and Jaedeh. But I got gigs and new friends. 

We went out a lot. We went on dates while I kept hooking up with other guys on the side. I was back to where I was when the year started. I hated it. But it is what it is. I haven’t heard from Jaedehn in a long time. And I thought I have moved on. But my birthday came and I wished I celebrated it with them and not Rhom.

Jaedehn and I had an interaction in our group chat. The banter was there. It was fun. I was cordial. Still thinking I have moved on. 

Then came Bar Zero. I was dating Rhom. Jaedehn was dating some guy. I asked them if anyone was showing up for them. They said none, so I told them I would. Because growing up, no one showed up for me. I know how that felt. And I don’t want them to ever feel like no one is there to show up and support them. Despite what had happened, I care for them.

So I went to support them. After the competition, they told me not to post anything because the guy was very sensitive. I said okay. But I thought “Wow the guy’s feelings were considered. Where was this with me back then?” When I got home, they messaged me that they got home as well. I smiled. Shit I haven’t moved on.

I had a dream about them after. I never had a dream about Rhom. And that was always an indicator of my feelings towards someone: me dreaming about them. Yup. I have not moved on yet. So I did what my logic told me to do: go to Rhom. Every time I thought of Jaedehn, I would go to Rhom. 

But it was not logic but it was love that overpowered me. And my love was Jaedehn. When I learned from our friends about their break up, they told me that maybe it was my time to shine again, particularly Raf. But I did not want to swoop in immediately. 

Time and time, every time when we interact, I get hopeful. They started teasing me again. The banter was back. So I stopped it with Rhom. But there was a time Rhom asked me what we were and if I would get back together with Jaedehn. I did not answer. I know the answer. But I chose to keep it to myself. 

For the first time, Jaedehn went to my house. They helped me with my make up. And they apologized. They told me that they thought all they did was hurt me. They did hurt me but not all throughout. They were the sweetest and kindest among the guys I dated. And I chose to overlook the bad for the good. I chose to wear those rose colored lenses. 

Since then I started seeing them frequently and talking to them more. Again, it gave me hope. And hope was all I have left. Our friends have noticed it too. Apparently I was not as subtle as I thought in hiding my feelings. 

But Jaedehn blocked me again. I confronted them about it, and they said they wanted me to move on and heal. I told them to unblock me. They said they would. But they did not. 

Still, I went to all of their shows in Bar Zero and the other gigs. I still wanted to support them. It never left my care for them. Even when they acted like I was not there at times. I brought them flowers because they deserve it. And then it hit me. I wanted to pursue them. So I asked. They said no. 

It is what it is. I feel nothing. I am chasing after a feeling that could not be felt. All the other boys bore me. I have sex, overdose, and overdrink to feel something. But I do not feel anything after the quick-fix. And I am done doing all those. 

I have blocked them on twitter because their tweets pop up on my for you page on twitter. I have blocked them on instagram too. I miss them. 

I wrote this because I feel empty again that something was missing. 

And I am missing Jaedehn.

Epilogue

I wish I could write an epilogue about how we got back together. But I will write this instead:

“I waited for you my entire life and you are worth every minute… and I don’t mind waiting a bit longer. Because a life without you is just not worth living”

[illfoandillfie]

Kinktober Day 7: Somnophilia (+Double Penetration - 2 holes)

Kinktober Masterlist | Regular Masterlist

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader

Words: 2,397

Warnings: Somnophilia, double penetration, anal sex, sex toys (dildo + plug), dom!Roger, protected sex, light degradation (slut), edging

A/N: This was kind of inspired by a couple of different posts I saw on a (now deleted) porn blog. I’ve been wanting to do something with the concepts for a little while now and this seemed like the perfect opportunity!

I guess I was picturing 70s rog since its a flatmate/fwb type relationship but go nuts imagining whatever you want lmao

It hadn’t been Roger’s idea to set up a friends with bennefits type arrangement, but he’d liked the suggestion when you made it and before the end of the night was out you’d sealed the deal, so to speak. He’d been a touch tispy at the time, as had you, but when he woke up in your bed the next morning he hadn’t believed it to be a mistake, even if you were his flatmate. And so the arrangement (or as Roger dubbed it, The Fuckbuddy Pact) stuck. In an effort to make sure neither of you would feel weird about what happened and to avoid anything becoming too much like a relationship, Roger suggested that you should get all your kinks and weird fetishes out into the open straight away. 

“That way we’ll both know what we’re in for from the jump,” he said, looking at you from the opposite end of the couch, “None of that getting to know you shit, or taking our time. We’re both here for sex so let’s just figure out what sex we’ll both like and get straight into it, right?”  “Sounds excellent,” you’d said, cheersing his bottle of beer with your glass.   It was how he’d discovered your interest in somnophilia (a term he’d not heard before and had needed a thorough explanation of). But once he knew what it was, Roger had been keen to try it out with you. There were other things too but the somnophilia was the newest to him and, thus, the most exciting. Before the month was out you’d figured out a system to incorproate it into your sex safely. The main rule was that if either of you was asleep and naked, it was okay to initiate sex. Eventually there ended up being a few exceptions or addendums added to that rule – it was still okay if the sleeping party wore a top of some kind as long as they were pantsless, and once or twice lingerie had been deemed to not count as clothes, but only on special occasions when you’d prearranged it. It became a regular part of your sex lives, which was especially useful for Roger who often didn’t get home from playing gigs until the early hours of the morning. If you were in bed and undressed, he’d take the opportunity to blow off some of the adrenaline without having to use his hand which was underwhelming compared to your cunt. But, more often than not, you’d do what most sexual partners did and got it out of your systems before bed time.  

Roger already suspected that you were hoping for a quick tumble when he heard the knock on his door, but he had other things on his mind too as he told you to come in.  “Hey, Rog, you busy?”  “Uhhh yeah, sorry, running late for rehearsals but I can’t find my fucking drumsticks,” Roger said, moving things around his desk as he searched for the missing sticks.   “Oh, damn.”  “Let me guess,” he said, pausing in the hunt and turning to face you, “horny?”  “My friend recommended a porn thing and I kinda got worked up.” You shrugged, unembarrassed to admit what you wanted.  That self-confidence was enough to make Roger wish he could stay and give you what you wanted but he was already late and couldn’t afford to be later. Instead he laughed and turned back to double check his backpack, “I would but, I’m leaving as soon as I fin- Aha! Bloody things must have rolled off the bed. Sorry, Y/N.”  “Oh, no worries. I’ll take care of myself.”  He smiled at the thought, “Well I better go. See you tonight?”  “Yeah, see ya. Have fun.” 

It was later than he’d expected by the time Roger got home. Part of him (the part in his pants mostly) vaguely wondered if you’d still be up for something but the bits of him controlled by his brain thought it more likely that you’d have had a nice couple of orgasms on your own and called it a night. Still, he thought he might at least check in on you once he’d dropped his bag in his room. To his surprise though, his bed wasn’t empty like it should have been. He jumped when the light from the hall softly illuminated you, on your back and deep asleep, but his shock quickly turned to delight as he realised you were naked.   “You little minx,” he muttered under his breath, impressed by the invitation you were giving him. But as he walked closer he paused again, noticing something he hadn’t been able to see from the doorway. There, beside your hand, was your favourite glass dildo, as if you’d passed out after using it.  “Oh you are naughty,” Roger chuckled. He traced one hand down your body, between your breasts and over your stomach, and softly said your name, checking if you’d rouse. But you were deep asleep and not likely to wake up any time soon. A plan for what to do with you forming, Roger stepped away from you for a moment to strip down to his briefs. His cock was already beginning to stir at the sight of you. He reached out to touch you again, less cautiously this time, palming your breasts before dipping his hand lower and lower, down to your cunt, pleased to find you still wet from whatever you’d been doing before you fell asleep.  You let out a soft hum as he explored you, thumb teasing over your clit as he wet his fingers between your folds.   Roger paused at the sound, not ready for you to wake up yet, but once it was clear you were still asleep he sank two fingers into you. Slowly they penetrated your heat, pausing to make sure the sensation hadn’t roused you at all. But you slept on. Carefully Roger partially withdrew his fingers before sinking them in again, gradually working up to a consistent thrust that had your unconscious body sighing and spreading your legs wider.   “Good girl,” he whispered, watching you carefully. The hall light was still on but his door wasn’t open fully so the darkness was only dimmed slightly. He twisted his fingers inside you, easily finding the spots that usually made you scream his name but which now just made your eyebrows knit together. By this point in your relationships Roger was quite confident that he could understand your body. He’d made you cum enough times, awake and asleep, to know what you liked and just how much you liked it. And he knew what it looked like when you were close to orgasm. Which is how he knew to stop, to still his fingers and wait for you to calm down.  

There was no real reason to edge you. If anything it just made it more likely you’d wake before he’d got his dick wet. But he had fun with it. Watching the way you’d shift, your chest rising and falling more rapidly, your lips parted as whimpers fell from them, your hips automatically rolling to meet his hand. And then he’d stop again. It made him chuckle quietly to himself. Knowing he could control your body so easily was thrilling. It made him want to do it more. So as soon as your face had relaxed again, your limbs loose and limp, he’d settle into the rhythm once more, curious how much you’d take before you woke up and begged him to finish you off. It was tempting to just keep going. He pictured you waking with a moan, your first words a plea for release or better yet for his cock so he could fuck you properly. Roger groaned. In the time he’d taken to edge you a handful of times his dick had well and truly stiffened and, as much as he enjoyed toying with you, what he really wanted was to cum in you so when you woke you’d know you’d been used. With that thought in mind he withdrew his fingers fully, taking a second to suck them clean and enjoy your taste. Having you on his tongue just made him want to fuck you more so he carefully knelt between your legs, shifting one to give himself a better angle. He was moments from finally taking what he so wanted to take from you, when something caught his eye.  

It didn’t glint as much as it did in the day but he could see it’s outline all the same. And when he double checked that he wasn’t imaging it, pressing his thumb against the hard end of it, you groaned.   “A dildo and a butt plug?” He asked you, knowing you wouldn’t respond, “Is that a surprise for me? Or is it just because nothing satisfies you like I do?” Roger’s hand slipped down to his underwear, pushing his briefs down enough that he could get his cock out. He hissed as he spread his precum along his length, contemplating how he should use you. “Could fuck your cunt now and hope you stay asleep long enough for me to get back there. Or maybe I should just go all in, have your arse straight away. That’ll mean wearing a condom though. Or would it?” he shook his head, now was not the time to try anal raw for the first time, “No, condom definitely.” He was still trying to decide what to do when you shifted in your sleep, rolling onto your side. The new position you lay in made it much easier to reach your arsehole.  “That decides it then,” Roger said to himself, shedding his underwear and opening his bedside draw for his lube.  

Carefully, he settled himself behind you and slowly began to remove your plug. It took a few stops and starts, pulling out and sinking in, almost fucking you with it, as you whimpered in your sleep but you seemed to press yourself back towards him as if trying to encourage him.   “Just can’t get enough of me, can you?” he chuckled as he set the plug aside and spread the lube around your hole. He rolled the condom down his shaft and spread the lube along it too, humming at the slick friction of his hand, knowing he was about to feel something a hundred thousand times better. And then he lined himself up, pushing the head of his cock into the ring of muscles you’d so generously stretched out with your plug. He went slowly there too, partially so you’d sleep on and partially so he wouldn’t cum embarrassingly fast.   When he finally began to fuck you, you moaned into your pillow, able to feel it in your sleep.   Roger bit his lip to keep his own moan from getting too loud.  You moved in your sleep again, your legs opening more as you half rolled onto your front. It let Roger fuck you deeper and gave him better access to your pussy too.  “You’re a bit of a whore when you’re alseep,” he said softly, reaching for the dildo. You were still wet enough that it sank into you easily, like it remembered where it had been earlier and fit into your cunt perfectly. The way you lay meant he didn’t have what he’d call easy access to you but it was enough that he could thrust the dildo somewhat rhythmically. He faltered here and there as the feeling of fucking you distracted him but he didn’t feel too bad about the slips, knowing it was keeping you from reaching your release. Your sleepy sighs and moans got louder as he filled both your holes which just made him fuck you harder, enjoying the sounds you were making and wanting to hear more.  

You woke with a broken moan in your throat, jerking under Roger’s hands but he shushed you, his palms warm against your skin and his voice familiar and reassuring.   “Stay right there, baby. Being such a good set of holes for me to enjoy.”  You couldn’t do much more than moan again, dazed from the sudden way you’d been pulled back to consciousness and realising what you’d felt in your dreams had been very real indeed.   “This was what you wanted wasn’t it? When you fell asleep in my bed.”  You nodded, the sound of the fabric of the pillowcase loud against your ear.  “Uh uh, words Love. If you’re going to be a slut the least you can do is admit it.”  “Yes, Rog. Want-wanted this.”  “Good girl. And how do you feel now?”  “Oh god, close. So close.”  Roger slowed the pace of the dildo, putting more effort into thrusting into you, his hips slapping loudly against your skin.   You keened at the loss of friction.  “Slut-s don’t com-complain.” Roger grunted as he used you, “They t-ake what they’re giv-en.”  You whined but that just made Roger laugh, louder now you were awake but broken by groans and moans of his own.   It didn’t take much more for him to cum, stuttering out, “Fu-ck Y-Y/N,” as he did.  

Roger was panting as he eased himself out of your arsehole, replacing his cock with the plug and giving your hip a light tap of thanks. The dildo was still inside you, but he’d not been moving it at all as he reached his climax so it wasn’t much help.   “Did you cum?” he asked, his breathing still heavy as he flopped onto the mattress beside you.  You shook your head and sighed, “And after I waited here all night to surprise you too. Thought you’d be home sooner.”  “Is that why you had the toys? You got bored waiting for me?”  “No, I was expecting you to come home while I was using them. Only then I came and fell asleep.”  "Of course,” Roger laughed, “you still got your shag though, don’t know why you’re complaining.”  “I’m really fucking horny still, that’s bloody why. What are you smirking about?”  “Nothing. Just nice to know edging you in your sleep works just as well as when you’re awake.”  “Prick!” you squealed though unable to contain your smile at the idea.  “Don’t worry. Give me a few minutes to clean up and get my stamina back and then I’ll make you cum as many times as you want.” 

Taglist: @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely @ilovequeenmorethanyou @johndeaconshands @borhapbois @stardust-galaxies @cherries-n-rocknroll @rogersslave @scorpiogemini

[roo-bastmoon]

Just my 2 cts but some fans are either really young or just don’t spend much time around young men tbh… The things I read on sm about the members and Jikook always surprised me. as a woman with 2 brothers + spending a lot of time around my fiancé’s friends I think a lot of Armys don’t have much knowledge about men’s behavior in general(there are variations, of course). For them it’s either 1-the members are all bffs without boundaries hence why the recurrent "poly bts" joke- when the only two who have shown consistent lack of space/boundaries/romantic vibes over the years are Jimin and Jungkook 2- they’re dating every single women that are less than 10feet from them and that have worn the same trendy shirt or accessory or god knows what 3- they’re never ever dating women and only have very chaste thoughts haha4-they’re even less dating a man.. I have been around my brothers and my fiancé’s groups of male friends so much, they come from various backgrounds, ethnicities, a few are gay men, and they can be really touchy, tease eo all the time and flirt for fun (seriously, do these fans have spend even a tiny bit of time around a bunch of guys?) but they never gave eo hickey made a whole romantic video vlog of their trips suck on eo’s ears and all…. Men don’t behave like this with their friend/bestfriend. For real, spend time with men, just observe them around their friend. Take a look at JHope and Jin almost accidentally brushing their lips at an event (can’t remember which one it was) and the same thing happening a few times between Jimin and Jungkook: very different reactions, those two don’t seem phased at all… Or make your male friends watch GCF in Tokyo and ask them about it. men and women have a different vision of friendship I think (I know nowadays it’s not very popular to highlight differences between the two sexes..). I feel like as a lot of armys are teenage girls or young women, they project their own friendship with their female friends onto the members. It’s not that uncommon for teenage girls to have such a close relationship with their bestfriend that the boundaries between friendship and love mingle a bit (happened to me). Young men’s/young women’s friendships tend to be very different. I can be biased as well, but to me it’s pretty obvious that Jimin and Jungkook share a different kind of bond and their behavior/touches are usually more charged and clearly not usual at all for friends. Especially now that they have grown up and the boundaries between the members are increasing as you would expect for adults friends. They all share a close bond with a bit more skinship that we’re used to in the west but behind that aspect you can still spot patterns in behavior and for me no other duo has made me raise my eyebrows. Sorry for my messy English

Hi Nonie!

First off, your "messy English" made perfect sense so please do not apologize!

Second, I'm sure there's lots of nuances to gender, age, and culture at play here that many non-Korean and non-male Army are missing (I know I'm one of them). So it's natural to try to view and interpret things through your own lens because that's all you have for reference. But yeah, I often find myself thinking things like "Why didn't Jungkook mention Jimin's OST on his Instagram??" or "Why didn't Jungkook reach out to comfort Jimin when he was crying during Festa dinner?" Because that is absolutely what *I* would do if *I* were blessed by the gods to be in the same orbit as Park Jimin. But I'm a 43-year-old cis-het white American woman who has been conditioned since birth to demonstrate emotions and do emotional labor. I don't know any 25-year-old males that would constantly telegraph deep feelings the way that I would, even if they didn't have to contend with a glass closet.

If people watch original content (and sadly many don't, which baffles me) they will quickly see patterns in BTS that raise questions. Yes, there's just a TON of skinship among all of them (they kiss anywhere but the lips, they hug, they sleep in the same beds, they compliment each other's looks, they hold hands, they eat each others' food, the list goes on and on). And for some reason fandom seems to hyper-focus on the maknae and tries to compare the relationships among that line for "supremacy" (which makes me sad because there's overwhelming evidence they all truly care for and delight in each other, so pitting them against each other feels a bit sacrilegious).

For me, only Jikook does highly, highly suspicious stuff. Jungkook is super playful and affectionate with all his members, and Jimin is the human embodiment of loyalty and comfort, but the vibe completely changes when it's them with each other, versus them with the other members. Now, they aren't sharing as many glimpses into their personal lives these days so I don't have tons of recent examples (outside of concerts) but there are hints everywhere you look that they still mean the world to each other. But even if you wanted to dismiss years and years of their lingering looks, magnetic pull toward each other, intimate knowledge of each other, time off-schedule spent together, intertwined family and friends, and downright giddy flirting, the most telling aspect of Jikook is the way the other members react to them (especially Hobi and Joon, bless them).

This is my reaction every time I watch the rest of BTS tense up and hold their breath when Jimin and Jungkook are having a moment:

So yeah. I haven't been around young men in well over a decade. I'm ancient and an introverted recluse. I probably fall into the trap of filtering BTS' behavior through my biased lens all the time. But when I step back and just view the content independent of my own desires, what I see is that Jimin and Jungkook have something unique between them. The only way to discount that is to actively dismiss mountains of circumstantial evidence.

[alreadyblondenow]

I loved you first, but you’re not the last

“....You’re special so it requires extra effort. Happy Valentines and happy first day of being a couple,”

Pairing: Mark Lee x female!reader

Genre: Angst, SMUT, fluff, childhood best friends to lovers

WC: 4,588k

Warnings: Fake dating, break up,swearing, mentions or other idol, reader x Taeyong in the end, Taeyong as Mark’s brother, unprotected sex, virginity loss, a lot of making out, mentions of making out, touching, a small amount of dirty talking, oral sex (female receiving), overstimulation

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I get my internet connection back. Gosh I hope this posts. Part of Request Party

It was in the middle of the night when you received a call that did not just woke you up, but also woke your whole being. Body, mind and soul.

“You’re back?” crankily you sat up from bed, scratching your heavy eyes and about to get out of bed because the person on the other line is right outside your house, waiting for you.

He has been away and gone for too long because of college... and you should be excited as you go downstairs to meet him, but you know why he’s here and it’s no good news. Let’s face it, this night will not end nice.

“Here goes nothing,” you murmured. Wrapping yourself with your thick jacket before you finally step outside.

And the moment you opened the door, snow was falling and you didn’t miss how the snow landed peacefully on Mark’s eyelashes. Eyes looking straight to you, those sad eyes that can’t hide the pain that he’s holding. A pain that you caused.

You wanted to finally reunite first with a hug, but he got ahead of you and took your chance to show him how much you missed him.

“How could you?” he started, eyes still locked on yours. “I thought we were going to wait and do it right- how could you date my brother while I was away?”

Even you find it cruel. What you did to Mark was cruel, selfish, and unforgivable. And truth be told, you don’t have the right words now. You wanted to explain of course, but you’re scared it might break him even more. “I love your brother,” you said softly. Not even brave enough to look him in the eye because you feel bad.

“You loved me first,” he bite back. And you can’t help but be weak in front of him and cry. Usually whenever you cry, he will walk towards you and remind you how much you mean to him. But you guess not tonight, maybe you don’t deserve love tonight.

“You left me, remember?” you dried your tears and tried being brave even just for a short period. Just until you have the guts to walk away.

“Whatever. It’s not yet too late. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy,”

He finally said his true purpose tonight. This was his last chance and the only to win you back. But even though he has never been more honest in his whole life except tonight, he feels like not even telling you his feelings can bring you back to him. Mark was so frustrated that he has tears in his eyes already that you wanted to dry so bad. But if you really want him to respect the relationship you have with his brother, then this is the perfect time.

“I may have loved you first, but your brother is the last man I’ll love. I’m sorry Mark,”

And just as you finish saying those hurtful words, you finally have the bravery to turn your back on him and ignore his shouting that you’re sure your parents and neighbors heard. This is you throwing a decade of good friendship because of unrequited love.

FOUR YEARS AGO

The day before Valentines day, you don’t know what’s up with your mood or with you in general, because you’ve been so envy with the people around you, couples to be exact. As you admire happy couples in school who celebrates Valentines as early as now, you can’t help but to imagine someone.... someone that will give you flowers, chocolates... kisses, or whatever you’ll accept in whole heartedly.

Valentines is like Christmas, it’s a day of giving and receiving. But that only applies if you have someone special whom you can spend the day with and exchange shiny, glittery, and sparkling Valentine cards with.

“I can be your fake boyfriend, come on it will be fun,” he raises his seagull eyebrows and smirked. Come to think of it, it’s not a bad idea. You’ve been best friends even before kindergarten, you watch each other grow and went through puberty together until the next thing you know, you’re printing college applications together in your room because his printer broke down.

“Let’s not go to college without having the experience of high school love... you know, let’s have fun before we graduate with flying colors. Let’s go to parties, participate in Valentine-gram tomorrow, go to prom together. What do you say?” he added.

“But everything’s fake? What’s the point of fake dating if we already look like were dating ever since we started being friends?” You whine and flop on your bed, Mark did the same thing.

“Don’t think about it too much, just say yes,” for a moment you both just stared at the ceiling, wondering what could go wrong if you started fake dating. “Anyway, you don’t have a choice. I need to get home and answer these- Bye, you’re my girlfriend now!”

“W-what? Mark-“

And just before you could reason out with him, he’s gone with his college applications and you’re left with your thoughts and excitement. You don’t know why but Mark’s crazy idea made your heart jump, it’s like a good electricity that made you look for your art materials and spend the whole evening making your fake boyfriend a blue shiny, glittery, and sparkling Valentine card.

Even if the motive was fake, the effort was real and it felt good and right at that very moment.

But little did you know that his idea of fake dating was only his way to not shock you when he finally confess his feelings to you.

That’s right, your best friend is in love with you.

If she wears blue tomorrow I will confess to her. He tells himself as he stares in his ceiling, feeling the same excitement and electricity in his heart. Trying so hard to sleep but he kept on thinking about you and can’t help but feel the excitement for tomorrow again.

“You and Y/n started dating? Since when?” Mark’s mother exclaimed happily while driving. Looking at his son admire the roses he got you from the flower shop downtown.

“We’re just starting mom. Thanks for helping me pick these up by the way,”

“Oh there she is! Wearing blue! Oh I never realized how you two grew such good looking kids until now,”

Mark breathed in and let it out with a smile, thankful that you wore his favorite color, because he can’t continue to hide his feelings for you. Maybe you and him are really bound to happen.

As you wave goodbye to Mrs. Lee with a bright smile, there you see Mark carrying a unique bouquet of roses and your eyes immediately went big and sparkled because. Not to mention your heart beats so hard and fast because he looked so handsome even in his casual clothes.

“Wow- I’m speechless, these are beautiful. Where did you get these?” you accept the bouquet as he hands it to you with a smile. Engraving the look of your face in his mind and heart, swearing to himself that from now on he will make you happy like this everyday.

“It’s a secret. You’re special so it requires extra effort. Happy Valentines and happy first day of being a couple,” he said and planted a kiss on your forehead. Something so natural for you and him, but today is different. Nonetheless, you believe that today will be a beautiful and eventful day.

In the see of people wearing red and white in your school’s hallway, you and Mark are happy wearing blue. Such a sad color but you wearing it makes him the happiest guy today. Everywhere you look has a dash of red and pink, hearts are hanged here and there and almost everyone has red roses on their hand... except you.

Because you’re holding a bouquet of rainbow roses.

This year’s Valentines wasn’t like any other Valentine’s you usually have. Today you have Mark.

You have Mark to hold your hand while you walk on the school’s hallway. You have Mark to look at you so lovingly that your heart melts whenever you catch him looking. You have Mark to take you out on a date after school and take cute photos in a photo booth. You have Mark to share a big drink with two straws.

And most especially, you have Mark to kiss you under the dark sky full of stars in front of your house.

His lips were soft as expected. And the way his tongue swipes on your lip in the most subtle way just makes you want him to kiss more. He smiled in between kissing when you pulled him closer and kiss him more when he was about to pull away. And oh! You did not miss the way he softly moans, such music to your ears but sad to say you can only hear them tonight.

“Did you liked my Valentine card? I left it in your locker,”

You finally pulled away and surprised him. Wiping away the spit from your mouth, you wiped Mark’s as well. He only smiled to you and you wish he would stop doing it because you’re growing a little crush on him already.

“It’s full of glitters, it’s blue and it has watermelons. Of course I love it” he said then did it again, melted your heart with that damn handsome smile.

“Good,” you said softly, fixing his hoodie and finally giving him a bear hug that he deserves. “I don’t want this night to end,” you finally admitted it.

“Then let’s not end it,”

“Wait, you’re not faking anymore aren’t you-“

And just like that Mark cut you off with a deep kiss. Nothing like how he kissed you earlier. This time he was holding you tight that you’re almost out if breath and you feel like he’s about to crush you anytime. But the way he kissed you... it’s his way of confessing his love to you.

On the following days, everything changed between you and Mark. Though it’s clear that what you feel for him is only just a crush now and he knows it, still the guy is hopeful that you will love him like how he loves you.

Mark is the perfect definition of consistent. He showed you how he feels for you each day, and each day he became better than the day before, sweeter and bolder. He was putting everything on the line for you, showering you the love he has always kept in him. That’s why, in a matter of months you finally made it official with him and you can’t wait what the future has in store for the both of you.

“What do you love about me?” you asked out of nowhere while he was in the middle of playing his guitar. It wasn’t a hard question, but it made him stop and think for a second.

“I love how you give me constant reasons to love you even more each day,” the first line was enough, but Mark has more to say. “The way you kiss my cheek in the most friendly way but it always meant something to me, how you accepted me to be your friend and now boyfriend. I love how you love me, because being loved back by you is something so special that only us can understand”

What he said moved you of course. You didn’t know that he loves you deeply even before you started the fake dating thing. And knowing that Mark is just crazy and madly in love with you, you can’t help but wish that you are too. For now all you can do is accept his love, and give back however you can. You love him of course, but you can’t keep up with his love yet.

Days passed by and your relationship grew sweeter. More sweet words were exchanged and more kisses were given. Way more. Until you find yourselves making out whenever you two are alone.

“Aw!” you express your pain when Mark accidentally bit your lip. Something so sexy but it hurt and it made you both stop what you’re doing.

“Oops. Sorry, I got carried away” he says and took a look at your lips. “You’re fine right?”

“Mhmm” You answered, but just before he was about to start kissing you again, you stopped him by pulling away. “And it’s getting late, I think you should go home,”

“But I want to stay for more,” he said with a sly smile. Caressing your shoulders and soothing your back. If course you did not miss what he was talking about for more. You and Mark are young, and being new to this relationship thing just makes you both want to explore and feed each other’s curiosity.

“When I’m ready. I promise it will be worth the wait, for now it’s getting late and you need to go home... And work with some homework,” you gave him a final kiss and thankfully he did not pry.

The relationship you have with Mark was nothing like the friendship you used to have. The friendship was still there, of course, but friends don’t kiss your neck while you’re busy reading a book or slam you to the nearest wall and kiss you wildly. Friends don’t taste your favorite ice cream flavor through your tongue in the middle of a Netflix movie, and friends don’t get affected when they see you in your thin shirt and panties only whenever they give you a surprise visit.

“It’s the weekend, why are you here?” You whine as you try to go back to sleep. Clinging to your pillow and thick blanket but your boyfriend is currently losing his mind. Nonetheless, he remained a gentleman and covered your exposed leg and butt, covering you completely and keeping you warm. “Come to bed with me. Cuddle with me instead”

The young man’s eyes brightened and quickly joined you in bed. Swinging his arm around your waist from behind and nuzzling your neck to tickle you.

“I got into my dream college,” he whispered excitedly beside your ears which made you quickly turn to him and hug him.

“That’s why you’re here! Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realized” you planted kisses on his cheek the ones he loved receiving other than your slow and deep ones. “You used to talk about this ever since we were just kids. Ugh, I’m so proud of you”

“Promise to support me no matter what?” This time it’s him who went closer and planted kisses on your face. Of course you said yes, it has been his dream, but now that you knew you’ll miss him everyday and you know that the image of him walking away from you at the airport will truly hurt you, so you can’t help but fake it.

You rolled on top of him and his eyes immediately went big, wondering why and how are you like this. You have never been this bold and confident even in your wildest times, it’s like he’s seeing a totally different side of you and he loves it.

“Want to claim your early graduation gift?” you completely surprised him and started kissing his neck, while Mark is actually enjoying the moment by caressing your ass cheeks and teasing you by tugging your panties. You wish you have the same level of confidence with Mark, because you well know that between the two of you he is the one experienced with sexual activities, so now you try your best.

“Mmm” a loud pop surrounds your room as Mark sucks your nipples through your thin shirt. Taking turns with your left boob and right boob until your shirt is partly wet because of him and he can finally see your nipples. The sight of it gave him the feeling like no other. Of course this is not his first time seeing boobs, but this is different because it’s you.

The mere sight of your boobs just made him lose his mind and not to mention hard in no time. You watch him roll his head back while you slowly grind of top of him with a ruined shirt, looking so hot than ever so he quickly switched places with you. Putting you underneath him, looking down on you with hungry and lustful eyes.

“Do you wanna touch my boobs?” You asked him so innocently,reaching for his hand that’s placed on your waist. You put your hand and his hand inside your shirt, slowly lifting the wet shirt just above your chest to expose your boobs to him.

“I wish you were my first,” he said and immediately kissing your right boob while his hand kneads the other, pinching you or teasing you, or whatever he just wanted to hear something from you. And when he stopped making your nipples swollen, Mark just kept on kissing you softly and saying ‘i love yous’ over and over again. making you smile through his lips and soft touches, it is as if he’s taking away all your shyness and making you comfortable with the situation. The situation where your boobs are expose to him, your legs spread wide and Mark is in between your legs, grinding his clothed cock on your ruined and wet panties.

You were just kissing passionately but now you felt his hands hooked on your panties and the next thing you know he’s pulling it down without breaking the kiss until it reaches your thigh and eventually remove it but the shyness crept in again, making you close your legs and bite your lips in hesitation.

“Can I? Open your legs?” He asks, kissing your neck and calming you through the way he kisses you and touch you. And when he felt that you’re ready, he tried opening your legs again and this time you let him. Letting him place his body in between your legs, smiling through the kiss as if he’s telling you ‘good job’.

Mark spread kisses around your body, kissing every inch of your being, earning a giggle from you and with that he’s happy you’re not nervous anymore.

And when Mark pull away to discard his clothes, and release his cock, you were speechless when you saw it that you removed your own ruined shirt just to be fair ask him to get back in between your legs this instant.

“Lets do this right,” he said and immediately placed a finger on your wet slit that took your breath away. Up and down, you feel his finger nothing else, and when the moment comes and Mark put a finger in, your hand reached for his hand and tried to stop him because the pleasure was too much. But your handsome boyfriend was just smiling at you, smirking because you looked so ruined right now all you can do is smile back at him. And when he insert two fingers, he kissed you deeply and caught every moan you let out, every cry of his name, every groan, or whine.

And the next thing you know you’re closing your legs as you shiver and curl your body. Trying to get away from Mark because you’re sensitive already but your boyfriend is not stopping.

“First of many,” he says and stopped to pull out his fingers. But he is not yet done. He only gave you a few seconds to catch your breath and went back kneeling in between your legs again.

“Are you going to fuck me now?” you asked with ragged breaths and tired expression.

Mark did not answer you verbally, but he did physically. Licking your pussy juices and spreading your pussy lips while his eyes are completely locked on yours.

You said ‘no’, but you didn’t mean it and the moment his tongue swipes on your cunt you grabbed hold on your headboard and hold on for your dear life. Clenching and unclenching as Mark eats you out, trying so hard to close your legs but you can’t until your second orgasm drowned you quickly and all you can do is breathe in and out heavily.

“I hate you” you said but you’re clinging to Mark and sharing your warmth to him.

“I love you,” he said and intertwined his fingers with his, kissing your knuckles before he place both your hands above your head. You voluntarily spread your legs wider for him, and with his free hand he lines his cock finally.

“I didn’t know you’re big,”

What you said made him smirk and proved your discovery even more by pulling out entirely and slamming his cock back in your wet hole. “Now you know,” he said small grunts and went in deeper. He knew what he’s doing to you is too much pleasure because it’s your first time and also he can tell by the way you hold on to his hand.

“Planning to crush my hand?” he let out a cut giggle like he isn’t fucking you deep right now. How can he do that? Be insanely cute while doing something filthy to you.

“Y/n, I’m close can I go faster?” and you can only nod.

Fucking you faster and harder than earlier, you watch Mark become someone sinful when he started focusing on his own release, kissing your boobs while he fucks you, give your ass a tight squeeze, lick your neck like you’re a fucking ice cream and whisper dirty words or word that make you shy that you didn’t know you would love hearing. Like,

“Let me fuck you again,”

“You like it deep huh?”

“Y/n, you’re worth wait, you’re mine forever”

“This is the last pussy I’ll fuck,”

And in the end he pulled out and jerked in front of you, letting his cum fall on your lower abdomen and watch his cum drip to your sheets. It’s a shame that he can’t cum inside you, it would have felt great.

“Fucking shit- that sex was great,”

He rests his head on top of your boobs, but went back to kissing you again on the lips. Apologizing for his mess, aplogizing for his words and saying ‘i love you’ over and over again.

That morning, you stayed naked with Mark in bed for a few hours just talking and laughing, flirting and kissing. It felt great having a huge progress with your relationship, especially that it’s Mark who took your virginity.

“Hey, you okay?” he was talking about your pussy because even though he didn’t went hard earlier, he did fucked you a little bit harder knowing that it’s your first time. “I meant what I said earlier. Please be my last, I don’t want to give my love to anyone but you. It’s too early to talk about marriage but, I know it’s you. I’ll love you better each day, I promise”

Comfort, warmth and safety. That’s what you felt hearing those beautiful words from him that you became speechless and crashed your lips to him.

His promise was kept every day until you both finished high school together, enjoy the summer before he leaves and make unforgettable memories as many as you can.

But knowing that he’s going away to follow his dreams and fulfil his goals, Mark worried too much about long distance relationship and how it never worked.

“Are we really together now? I’m not dreaming right?”

Your sleep was disturbed when Mark called you in the middle of the night. Today, you taught him how to bake and had a couple of rounds during Netflix and chill, so to be honest you’re really exhausted and tired.

“Mark, we kiss, we date, we have sex almost everyday. Yes baby, we’re together for almost four months already. Now can we please go back to sleep-“

“Go down open your door. I’m outside”

And the moment you opened the door for him, you gave him a ‘shh’ sign, telling him that your parents are already asleep. You came closer to him for a kiss, and told him, “it’s real. I’m real. Can you please promise me to stop overthinking, you’re making me worry,”

He didn’t answer you but lowered his head. You knew he’s sorry and he’s just doing this for you,

“I love you, Mark. I’m yours forever,” you said and kissed him again. Deeply this time, to the point that it put you both in the mood and the next thing you know Mark is fucking you while he’s covering your mouth with his hand.

When Mark left you for college your relationship went downhill and you’re both getting hurt already. Fighting is part of the relationship, yes, but the fight you have with Mark almost everyday was becoming the reason why you want to distance yourself from him. You feel caged with how he love you, you feel like he’s strangling you with all these rules you need to follow to maintain trust in your relationship but nothing is working.

Until he finally realized what he’s doing to you.

So during his vacation, he visited you and you were so excited to the core that you welcomed him with a tight hug and the biggest smile. Only to find out that he wanted to break up.

But

“It’s just until we finish college. Let’s wait and do it right. I don’t want to fight for you while hurting you at the same time. Please understand. I’m not breaking up because I don’t love you. This time off will heal us both,”

The breakup did you no good. You were sad every day and to be honest you would rather want him to nag you than miss him like this and you can believe that between the two of you, he’s the one doing great in life. It makes you want to believe that he doesn’t love you anymore. Like the man you fell in love to, wasn’t there anymore.

“Still crazy about my stupid brother huh? Come here and help feed my fishes,”

His brother, Lee Taeyong, disturbed you and your ugly thoughts while you finish the drink their mom gave you during one of your visits.

“Well, college was good to you. I see you’re back and finally opening a bakeshop downtown” he hands you the fish food as you wait for him to talk and feed the fishes generously.

“I’m very much excited to open my bakery. Want to make cookies later instead of being broken hearted?”

And as days, weeks, and months pass by, not only Lee Taeyong making you forget about Mark, he also healed your heart and won it fair and square.

It started how he makes your heart flutter whenever he holds your hand while teaching you how to bake, how praises you and tell you that you look beautiful everyday, how he makes his kitchen your own little world during closing time and you’re sitting on the kitchen counter with Taeyong in between your legs and taking your breath away with a heated kiss.

When you and taeyong started dating, you experienced true love. You didn’t want to hurt Mark but what you have with Taeyong is real and you had to hide this from him for years and years and years, until you finally graduated in college.

And Tayong proposed to you. It was the only time you couldn’t hide your relationship from Mark anymore because Taeyong was the one who confessed to him.

*this is the part where you read the first part again JEJEHEH