#i feel so bad ive abandoned my son

[mbat]

i feel like the biggest problems with lucifer wouldnt be there if it wasnt a show written by christians for christians and i do mean that

[phagodyke]

my god. new contender for most shite day at work this year so far

another morning another free bus journey..

[badomensgoodomens]

BAD DECISIONS

CHAPTER FIVE

Noah Sebastian x Reader

Merry christmas!!!! haven't touched bad decisions in a while because ive been hella busy, but wanted to get this out before christmas. enjoy!!

taglist at the bottom

Sunlight poured through the cracks of the floral and fading curtains, illuminating Noah's sleeping form on the bed. The room was nostalgic, filled with memorabilia from his teen years, and even his first guitar. Across the hall was Nicholas’s old bedroom, the two seeking refuge here during every work break. As the town gradually transitioned into winter, the apple trees in Nicholas’s parents backyard began to lose their leaves. Christmas was approaching rapidly. 

Christmas was a particularly hard time for Noah, his strained relationship with his family being the cause of that. Sherene welcomed him with open arms during Christmas, always buying him gifts. Her kindness was very apparent in Nicholas as he grew older,   mother like son. She made a mean mint hot chocolate, and always made it a mission to bring Noah and Nicholas one every morning. 

For Y/N, Christmas was the absolute worst time of the year. No matter how hard Nevada and Dawn tried to make December enjoyable, the memories of growing up in a dysfunctional household had left a mark that couldn’t be easily erased. The holiday, meant to bring joy and warmth, only served as a bitter reminder of everything Y/N wished they could forget.

She poured her feelings into journals – a common christmas present for her. Even when life felt right, it still was such a melancholic period of her life. Her mornings were spent sitting on the windowsill, watching the snow fall. 

Sitting beside her was a pile of letters, a series of festive cards from distant relatives. Almost all of them asked ‘how are your parents?’ It seems as though her parents couldn’t acknowledge the fact they abandoned their children, much less let the rest of the family know. Tired hands scribbled relentless harsh poetry into a leather-bound book, words poured out as tears streamed down her face. 

Most Christmases ended like this, and birthdays too. 

Christmas eve she spent sitting in bed, staring at the wall. The boys gave her time off work for Christmas, mainly so they could spend it with their own family. Instead of putting up decorations, or wrapping presents or making cookies, she soaked her pillows with tears. 

It wasn’t like she necessarily had a reason to cry, seasonal depression was a real bitch. Therapy wasn’t helping anymore, the ‘urges’ were still there, it was like a hole in the heart that could not be fixed. The city was still, for the first time in a long time. 

The clock read 12:00 am. 

The ringing of her phone made her jump out of her skin, eyes wide, once full of tears. Glancing down at the phone number, immediate recognition filled her body. She could recognise that number anywhere, the same number that used to call her every evening, asking her to come over. 

She fumbled with her phone, shaking fingers struggling to unlock it. Her body froze, contradicted between accepting or declining. It disappeared just as quickly as it came, her breathing slowed down. With shaky hands she pulled up her chats with him, sobs wracking her cold body. 

Merry Christmas, please don’t call. 

Read 12:02 am. 

NOAHS POV 

Fuck. that was a complete accident i didn’t mean to call her. 

I’d almost forgotten about her, completely wrapped up in my own life. It was dark, I was tired, and her name was right next to Jolly’s contact. The soft sound of rain echoed through my childhood bedroom, the window cracked ajar. I would most likely catch a cold considering it was the peak of winter, but the freshness kept my anxiety at bay. It was roughly the 3rd night I'd spent, staying up until midnight doing nothing. What's one to do without someone to hold close? 

Matt had found this really cute girl who works at a record shop, nicholas was still head over heels for ivy, nick was all over his neighbour, and jolly liked some redhead. It was almost like I was falling behind, I mean I'd always considered poppy an option, but that girl gets into too much controversy for my liking. With a sigh, I pulled up my notes app. The screen brightness was blinding, but I typed out some 2025 new year's resolutions. 

Get over this train wreck 

Find a new girl to cry over

I fell asleep quickly after that, not even bothering to plug my phone in, just letting whatever depressing song that was playing drown out the ridiculous thoughts flooding my mind. 

The next morning I woke up to Nicholas pounding on my bedroom door, rousing me from my slumber. I fumbled to turn the music off, smooth my hair over and open the door. “Hey man, you look like shit. C'mon we need to head into town.” I shut the door with a groan, heading towards the ensuite. Turning the shower on, hot steam filled up the room, fogging up the mirror. A random sleep token playlist on shuffle echoed through the green tiled bathroom, accompanied by soft humming as I shampooed my long hair.

The smell of citrus lingered in the confined space, long after I had gotten out of the shower, mixing with the scent of my cologne. I sat on top of the bathroom counter, tying my shoes when Nicholas walked in, mumbling about buying Ivy the perfect present. Downstairs you could hear the clatter of Sherene’s utensils as she prepared for this evening's Christmas dinner. The familiarity of it was soothing, but as I got older Christmas started to lose all meaning. 

NEUTRAL POV 

The two of them cruised into the small, snow ridden town. It was rather busy for Christmas morning, small families bundled up in winter coats, rosy cheeks and presents in hand. It was bitter sweet, remnants of noah’s broken family threatened to still linger, but noah brushed them off. It took Nicholas approximately two fucking hours to pick a present for ivy, why he didn’t buy one earlier was beyond noah, especially considering ivy would be arriving THIS EVENING. He blames it on how long TDOPOM to produce, but we finished it a month ago, and it was on its way to be released. 

Eventually Y/N returned to work, needing the money more than anything, the atmosphere was sluggish and quiet, winter still being in full effect. She sat at her desk, replying to some angry emails from suppliers and whatnot, occasionally glancing outside at the snow fall. Soft music echoed through the intricately decorated office as she drew up some plans for the new album, her tongue sticking out slightly as she focused. Vessel, who unbeknownst to y/n, had been leaning against the doorway, cleared his throat. She yelped, turning around to face him, “what?!” “will you be able to work on feb the 25th?” he asked, stepping further into the room. “Uhh, hold that thought,” she replied, flicking through her phone. “Yeah i’m free, why?” He pulled out the chair next to her, sinking down into it. “Me and the boys got invited to Bad Omens release party for their new album. I'd bring you as a plus one, but we don’t have any extra staff to run the place other than you.” he explained, resting his hands on the back of his head. “No thanks, don’t like that band,” she waved him off, turning back to her drawing pad. 

“How come?” Vessel asked, straightening up. The air in the office was seemingly thick, awkward silence filling the air. “I don’t fuck with the main dude,” she responded vaguely. He quirked a brow, “come on, spit it out.”

…

“Quite the story if i do say so myself,” Vessel laughed, standing up from his spot. “Have fun though!” she called out as the door clicked shut. She turned back to her computer with a grumble, pulling up facetime and calling her sister. 

“Who the FUCK is natasha??” Her hurried typing fills the room, accompanied by her sister. “Wait wait wait have you seen the drummer hes really cute,” “who?” “his names nick folio” “okay i’m searching him up now” 

“OH MY GOD NEVADA IVE MET HIM BEFORE” 

“OH EM GEE WHERE?!?!” 

“AT WORK!!!”

“OH MY GOD SURELY HE’LL COME BACK AND I CAN GET HIS NUMBER AND-”

“WHO THE FUCK IS NATASHA???!!!!”

hi cuties!! How is everyone??

taglist @emluvsuxo @lacy1986 @lilcrazy011 @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @briefpersonenemy @niicolelynn @looney-goose @sister-sebastian @dominuslunae @supersquirrel1996 @jilliemiw86 @amelia-acero @littlebear423

[mytheoristavenue]

MHA Mezo Shoji x Reader - Make Believe - IV

Summary: You ask Shoji to pretend to be your boyfriend for a dinner with your parents.

Warnings: Long, multi-parted, slow burn, fem!reader, fluff, not proof read, angst

Stepping into the apartment made it instantly clear, that this wasn't a birthday dinner, it was a birthday party. Music played from the living room and you could hear laughter and conversation from every corner of the dwelling. In almost every crevice, there was at least a pair, usually more, cutting up and reminiscing on old times. There were cousins here you hadn't seen since early childhood. What was this all for?

Shortly after entering, your mother abandoned you to tend to whatever was in the kitchen, leaving you and the tallest person in the house to fend for yourselves. "Let's go in the dining room," you said, grabbing hold of Shoji's hand and pulling him along.

He silently nodded, feeling eyes on him from everywhere. He did truly stand out amongst your family, who mostly had emitter-type quirks if he had to guess. He could always count how many mutations he saw in any given space- something he'd learned from an early age. It was a tactic of knowing who to risk interacting with and who to avoid. He found that mutated people would find him...less unnerving.

Currently, he'd counted two people with mutations, but they looked nothing like you or your mother, so he had to guess that were were related by marriage. One was a young woman with a round head and abnormally large ears. The other was a small boy with a slender, rat-like vestigial tail- both cases of small, some might even say charming changes to a regular person's anatomy. This made Shoji feel even more freakish as he ducked into he dining room, seeing a large percentage of your family staring back at him.

The feeling, however, was lessened by the cheering that came with you entering with him; long-forgotten aunts, uncles, and cousins excited to see your face after such a long time of low contact.

"Well if it isn't our very own hero in training!" one man chirped, raising a glass. "Glad you were able to make it out to see us, don't go forgetting about us little folks when you hit the big leagues!"

"(Y/N)!" A little girl came running up to you, tugging on your pants. "Do you get to fight bad guys?!" You laughed sheepishly, explaining in the best way you could to fit a toddler's understanding what your training actually entailed.

Shoji couldn't help but feel warm watching you interact with your family. It was clear that they were all so proud of you and overjoyed to see you. To his dismay, however, the distraction of your presence from his didn't last long.

"So, kiddo, whose this uh..." the man spoke up again, raising his glass and tipping it towards your guest. "guy you brought with you?"

Your cheeks flushed as you quickly clung to Shoji's arm with a nervous smile. "Oh, how could I forget? Everyone, this is Shoji, my boyfriend!" It wasn't lost on said 'boyfriend' how your tone had changed this time around. It almost felt genuine. Almost.

"Boyfriend?" The man, one of your uncles sneered. "You're too little to be having a boyfriend, besides, you don't want anybody distracting you from going pro!"

You laughed in response, failing to sense Shoji's discomfort. "Uncle, it's not like that! Besides, Shoji's training to be a hero too! We want each other to succeed first and foremost."

"That's enough, son." An elderly voice called from the end of the table. Glancing over, your heart swelled with joy.

"Grandma!" you cheered, dashing over to sit beside her, engulfing her in a tight hug. "I miss you so much!"

"I missed you too, dear," she replied with a kind smile, patting your back. When you pulled away,. she reached forward, placing her hand on top of Shoji's.

"Now don't you pay my son any mind, young man." She reassured, eyes darting over to the said man. "He's had a few too many." It was at this point your 'beaux' realized the empty glass your uncle had been holding had tan foam collected at the bottom. It was beer. "You know, son, you outta be a lot nicer to this boy, he saved little (Y/N)'s life you know?"

Shoji wasn't sure what he'd expected your grandmother to say, but that sure wasn't it. He saved your life? When? "G-Grandma-!" you stammered, cheeks burning. "You don't have to bore them with the details!"

"Oh, no, dear, I do!" She insisted. "Don't you all remember when (Y/N) got her license to become a hero? That test she had to take?" There as collection of hums and variations of 'yes' from the crowd. "Well, that day, she called me up and she said 'Grandma! You'll never guess! During the exam, I was stuck in this trap and that handsome guy I told you about rescued me!'"

You definitely didn't tell the story like that, you cringed. She made it sound so mushy, it was like that at all!

"I don't remember that," Shoji, glanced down at you with a curious smile.

"I don't either," you grumbled. "I didn't say it like that."

"No need to be so grumpy, dear." your grandmother said, placing a hand on your shoulder. "It's alright, I think it's a romantic story."

You couldn't take this suffocation much more, feeling more humiliated by the second. Suddenly, you stood up, needing an out. "I-I think I hear Mom calling me from the kitchen, better go see what she needs!"

Before Shoji could stand to follow you, you'd disappeared. He blinked at your grandmother, confused, who beckoned him closer and he stole the seat you'd sat in and leaned closer to her. "That girl is just head over heels for you, know it?" She smiled kindly. Part of him wanted to ask if she was sure, not feeling like it was possible, but the other part of him knew that was the wrong choice. "I haven't told her yet, but my sickness has gotten worse," she confessed, looking past him, following the path you'd taken. "I won't have another birthday party, this is my last one. We wanted to make it special."

"W-With all due respect, ma'am," Shoji swallowed hard, shifting nervously in his seat. "Why are you telling me this instead of her?"

"I just wanted you to know you have my blessing." The old woman smiled, brighter than she had before, cradling one of his hands in her withered ones. "I'm content knowing my little girl is in good hands." She laughed. "And she can be a handful, but from the looks of it, I'd say youve got enough hands for the job."

Suddenly, this all felt heinous. How could he lie to this woman after she confessed to being on her last bit of time on Earth? He had to come clean. "M-Ma'am, there's something you don't know..."

"You aren't actually together, I know." she finished his thought for him.

"How did you...?"

"Some call it telepathy, I call it an old woman's intuition." She chuckled heartily. "But I'm not worried, I can see you care very deeply for my granddaughter, don't you, Mezo?"

He froze hearing his first name while knowing for a fact you hadn't introduced his full name when you came in. Obviously, the old woman had a mind-reading quirk. He chose to ignore it in favor of the bigger picture. "I-I..." he stammered, unsure of what the answer truly was.

"Only someone who cares would put themselves in the predicament you're in, am I right?" she rationed with a knowing smile as she sipped a cup of tea.

"I guess that makes sense..." Shoji finally admitted. "I guess I've always liked her a little bit, but I never really thought I had a shot."

"You've got more than a shot, son." She finally said. "You've got a guaranteed bullseye. Now just promise me one thing and I'll let you go."

"What's that?"

A tear slipped down the woman's wrinkled face. "Take care of my baby."

"I will," he lunged forward, enveloping her in a hug. "I promise."

Part I

Part II

Part III

[kurogxrix]

All Of My Love ( IV. )

(Series Masterlist)

Neteyam x Avatar!reader

IN WHICH Neteyam’s mother and clan disapproves of your relationship, because you’re a dreamwalker. When you both advance in your relationship, the clan cannot help but attempt to ruin things for the both of you.

WC: 7.2k

Warnings: unrequited love, heartache, breakups, ANGST, this will not end up as a human!reader x Neteyam dw 😟

“Let go of me, you scum!” the said man yelled, thrashing in the Olo’eyktan’s eldest son’s grip. Neteyam was holding the boy tightly by the back of his neck, applying painful pressure with the side of his fingers. The boy’s disrespectful words didn’t go unnoticed by Neteyam, but he would be dealt with soon. 

“Tell them what she told me,” Neteyam urged the man as he released him from his deathly grip. They now stood before Jake and Neytiri as they looked at both men with peculiar looks. Neteyam pushed the boy forward once he realised that he wasn’t about to talk, and the boy stumbled on his feet. 

“Tell them what you did to my sister!” Neteyam growled. He sounded so much like his mother when he was furious that it was terrifying. “Tell them where you brought her.” 

Neytiri’s gaze darkened at the mention of her youngest daughter, and by the sound of it, it was not about to be happy news. The boy cowards under the fierceful Sully gazes, almost making him weak in the knees. 

When you had broken the news of what had really happened to Tuk on that day, he was quick to race off. He would pardon himself later on for his sudden resignation, but he knew that you’d understand. Maybe. 

The man was taken by such fear that his sound box had seemed to fail on him, rendering him as an idiot to the sully’s gaze. He opened his mouth as no words came out of it, like a fish out of water. Neteyam had gotten sick of the waiting after a while, grabbing the boy by the back of his necklace as he pulled him back closer to him. 

“He was the one that had brought Tuk outside of the village, and he abandoned her there!” At the revelation, Neytiri couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her throat. Oh she was sure that she was going to murder the boy if it wasn’t for her children being here. 

She lunged forward, grabbing the boy by the shoulders as she had done with you. Her slim fingers dug into his collarbone as she stared deep into his shaky yellow eyes. It hurt so much but the boy refused to flinch upon her aggression, trying to seem tough under the eyes of the Olo'eyktan and his mate. 

Neytiri wanted to do so many bad things to this boy. Pull his hair until he feels every single strand leave his fragile scalp. Maybe she’d cut his braids out one by one, so close to his head that it'll bleed upon contact with her dagger. Maybe she’d even take it upon herself to gouge his eyes out, cutting his fingers for her to collect.

Though she just couldn’t and it took her every single nerve in her body to retain herself from killing the na’vi man. Even if this boy had endangered her youngest daughter, then abandoning her amongst the trees of the forest. 

From inside of the tent, Lo’ak and Kiri were in the front seat to the argument that was happening outside. Kiri brought it upon herself to grab her little sister, bringing her scared form outside in her arms. Tuk squirmed in her sister’s arms upon the sight of the accused man, and it was more obvious than anything else that he was guilty. 

Jake rubbed a hand up and down his face at the complications. Neytiri looked back at her daughter, trying not to let her own anger scare away her youngest child. She reached a hand towards Tuk, softly caressing her cheek as she smiled warmly at her. 

“Why have you never said anything Tuk?” Neytiri tried to get her to answer, as the man before them would deny any accusations. Tuk faltered before her, feeling her heart stop at her mothers words. How did they know? What was going to happen to her now?

“He threatened my brother, said he’ll do something about his five fingers if I said anything!” Tuk cried and the whole sully family’s heart softened upon the sight of the innocent youngest sibling. Lo’ak wasn’t as fond of Tuk as Kiri and Neteyam were, but he still loved his sister anyways. The thought that she had done all of this just to protect him made him feel the need to protect his sister even more than he already did.

Lo’ak raised his eyebrows comically as he heard what Tuk was saying. That boy was really threatening him, through his youngest sister. What a weakling. Though he knew better than to say anything in front of his already angry parents, he just stayed quiet as he watched the scene unfold.

“I’m sorry mom, I didn’t mean to lie to you!” she sobbed, trying to leave the embrace of her eldest sister. Neytiri frowned at her crying daughter, taking her into her own arms and reassuring her that everything was okay, and that she was not the one that was about to be in trouble.

Coming back to their senses after their little Tuk frenzy, Lo’ak glared daggers into the na’vi’s head and Jake was mentally preparing himself to have to physically remove his own son from the victim of his glare. He approached the boy, standing all tall and intimidating before him.

“What’s your name son?” he questioned, half-lidded eyes staring straight into his. The boy cowards once more before the olo’eyktan as he introduces himself.

“Murife,” he murmured, already knowing that he was doomed as he had gotten exposed by the 8 year old child. He should’ve been disappointed in himself for threatening a child for the sake of his own entertainment, and now he was about to face the repercussions of his very own actions.

Jake raised an eyebrow at the sudden behaviour of the boy, and he was sure to inflict the toughest punishment upon the boy that had dared to threaten his family. 

-

You felt so refreshed as you stepped out of the shower, now that your avatar was back in her pod again. Your hair had been freshly washed and the sweet aroma of your apple shampoo felt like heaven. The towel that was draped over your shoulder prevented your back from getting soaked as your hair air dried. Your stomach rumbled as it begged you to feed it, since you had not yet eaten after waking back up in your human body. 

You snatched a packet of chips from Norm's secret stash, fumbling with the plastic packaging as loud as you could only to mess with the older man. You wanted him to know that his hiding spot was utterly shit and that it took you no time to find it. You wondered how he still had them, because it had been so many years since they’d move to Pandora from Earth. In all scenarios, the chips would’ve gone bad, since the trip from Earth to Pandora was no 6-hour trip to New York. Maybe they were made in some secret factory that they had here? 

The moist towel was starting to feel uncomfortable on your naked shoulders, clad in a tight white tank top that you had found in your tiny closet. To say that Norm was pleased with your sudden re-arrival in your avatar was a lie. He knew that Neteyam had hurt you the first time that you had come back, all teary and snappy. 

He knew because it had been more than obvious. Your visible affiliation with the boy could be seen with the naked eye, for you had never been that secretive. Having you in the lab 24/7 had already been hard because of your sulking, and the fact that you kept on eating his snacks. 

Now that you were back, he feared that it was definitive. 

The packet of chips crinkled in your hand as you moved towards your monitor. You rolled your desk chair back and the chair heaved upon your weight. 

“Stealing my snacks again?” your ears picked up from behind you, though you failed to respond to the man as you were too busy typing in your computer’s password. Your tongue stuck out the side of your mouth as you tried to remember the pass, racking through your brain thought by thought as you searched for it. 

Your hand reached for the plastic bag again, but when you thrashed your hand down to meet the chips, your fingers made harsh contact with the hard material of the table. You screeched dramatically at the pain, feeling like you had just smashed your fingers against concrete.

You quickly turned around on the wheels of your chair, glaring at the cause of your pain. Norm could only shrug at your fierce look, dragging on his pettiness by eating the chips before you. 

“Woodland,” Norm said as you gave him the most incredulous look. Had the man really lost his head? 

“Woodland,” he said again, this time with more affirmation. “That’s your password, Woodland.” Norm said, approaching you from behind with the piece of plastic still in his hand. He stood besides you now, looking down at your monitor as you typed in what he said hesitantly. 

“Who would be stupid enough to put their password as Woodland?” you mumbled to yourself but it failed to escape the keen hearing of the man beside you. He snickered at you as your computer unlocked before your very own eyes, confirming that he was indeed right. 

“You.” he teased as you threw him another look.

“I wasn’t talking to you. Plus give me that,” you told him before abruptly ripping the chips from his grip. Norm furrowed his eyebrows as he attempted to retake the packet from you, but you were just as childish as the man, so you refused to give in. 

“It’s not good for you, you must keep healthy!” Norm rolled his eyes at your comment, abandoning his mission of reconquering his snack as he knew it was going to be fruitless. 

“You talk as though it will not affect you either!” Norm tried to reason, but you simply ignored him as you scrolled through your files. He stopped trying to argue with you as he took notice of all of your recent research and discoveries. To say that you were really entranced with the na’vi lifestyle would be an understatement. 

A sudden file had caught onto your attention, despite scrolling at the speed that you were, you had managed to catch it between thousands of others. For it didn’t look like any other file that you had. You looked back at Norm for some kind of assurance, despite stupidly knowing that there was no way that he’d know what it was either. 

You dragged your pointer towards the file, reluctantly clicking on the file as a video popped up. By visual, it seemed to be a screen recording from your ipad. You told yourself that it must’ve been an accidental recording, that your fingers must’ve accidently clicked on the button and that it ended up here because it had been shared through Icloud. 

Though you had a deep feeling that told you it was more than that, so you proceeded to press play. Both you and Norm leaned closer to the monitor as you heard voices coming from the recording. deep, male voices. For sure they did not belong to you, added to the fact that there were many voices. 

You were so confused at first as you watched the screen switch from apps to apps, even opening your notes for a split second. Norm had caught on to some of the words on your note as he quickly skimmed through it, and he nudged you playfully. You would have normally been dying of embarrassment if it wasn’t for your brain being so muddled at the moment. 

The voices were distinct at first, due to your computer’s volume being on low. Though the next screen was not what you would’ve expected at all. Your eyes were crowded with realization as you stared at the screen incredulously. And there had it all clicked. 

You watched as the iPad switched to the camera app for a quick second, flashing the faces of a few young na’vi men. Na’vis that you could recognize because they had been with you on the day of the hunt. The day of the accident. You didn’t need to raise your volume to know what they were doing, and it didn’t take a genius to understand that you had been framed for the unfortunate accident that they had caused.

You got up from your chair so fast that it startled Norm, nearly knocking him off his feet. You were quick to grab an exopack, given that you were not in your avatar any more. Norm simply watched as you left in a hurry, too stressed off by you to even ask what was wrong. He could’ve sworn that you were making his hair whiten faster than it should be with your antics.

“Here catch this!” You yelled at him before leaving, tossing him the crushed up packaging that you had pressed into a ball. Norm rolled his eyes at you, first you stole his chips, and now he was in disposal duty for your own garbage?

He rubbed a hand down his face as he watched you exit the lab doors. He knew that asking you not to go wherever you were headed was useless, so he could only wish for your safety. “Eywa, how fun it is to take care of a teenager,” 

-

To say that Zuko felt surprised when you had shown up to your spot in your human form was an understatement. She eyed the weird device that invaded your face, preventing you from the death that awaited you if you even dared to inhale the air on Pandora. She was silent as ever, though her emotions were on blast upon her face. 

She felt stupid when the thought of you looking so much like your avatar had crossed her mind, because of course you did. It was your avatar after all, made with your DNA. After her mental embarrassment died down, she couldn’t help but now admire that same fact. Your nose was slightly different than the ones of the na’vi, your skin colour of a totally different palette than theirs. She would not even dare to talk about the size difference, because you nearly had to crane your neck all the way just to meet her eyes - so she opted to kneel down for your comfort. 

You still brought that feeling of warmth deep inside of her, in your avatar form or not. Her heart still raced at the view of you approaching the spot you both had in a secluded part of the forest, and the same exact smile still made its way onto her face at the sound of your voice. Avatar or not, you still managed to scramble those unfamiliar feelings into Zuko’s stomach. 

She loved the way you made her ears hike up whenever you would whisper something stupid in her ears. She loved the way that she would race out of her family’s tent everyday at the same time, ignoring the yells of complaint from her mother that watched her scurry off. She was silent, but loud with her love. 

You were the one that made her feel what love was like for the first time, and you were the one she would carry a torch for. 

“You look weird.” she teased, smiling as you shot her a dirty look. 

“In my scenario, you’re the one that looks weird,” you shot back at her, signing your insult to the tall, dark blue na’vi. You knew that Zuko was simply mute and not deaf, that signing back to her when you had the privilege of speaking was useless when she could hear you. Though you liked to do it because you felt as though she felt less desolated. “You just bash me because you know I'm beautiful!” you joked, now affirming your sentence in full voice. 

Zuko turned her head towards the river flow, pretending like she’d rather observe the neon fish than answer your retaliation. You could not see her face from your position, and even less from your height. She was glad of your current barrier, because she would’ve hated knowing that you had caught onto the indigo colour that adorned her face at the moment. She felt pathetic for being so flustered at your stupid comment, one that was definitely not supposed to affect her as it had done. 

“Are the fish really that interesting?” you broke the silence, shaking Zuko out of her trance. Her ears twitched at the sound of your voice suddenly booming, and soon she turned around to meet you once more. The size difference was truly something that had irked you when you had decided to ditch your na’vi body for the second time. The first time that you had chosen to never enter your avatar ever again, a failed promise to yourself, the size difference had not really bothered you. You hadn’t lived in your avatar for long enough amongst the omatikaya for it to truly bother you, but now was a whole different story. 

You had gotten used to reaching for the sweet fruits in the tall palm trees, ones that you could easily reach as of before. You hated that you had to rely mostly on norm or the other avatars now that you could not find food for yourself. Hunting was way off the chart for you because if the creatures were fierce enough when you were 7 feet tall, then imagine yourself now at your human height. Your muscles were as well weaker than the ones that your avatar harboured. 

Zuko had known of your troubles, of what was bothering you. She could not eat with you in the forest anymore, because of that stupid mask on your face and it made her sad that she now had to eat dinner at home. Boring old home. 

“Very much,” she rolled her eyes, answering your previous question. 

You moved to sit on the floor as she still refused to look at you, even though she was facing you now. The soft grass tickled your skin but you would take this over sitting on some concrete floor anyday. You pat the hard soil beneath the grass in a call for the na’vi woman. “Come sit next to me,” 

 She complied this time, her unsettlement having left. You smiled a toothy grin as she sat in front of you, legs crossed before her. You hesitated before telling her what you had to say, staring into her eyes for a moment because you feared her reaction. 

“I must meet with Neteyam again tonight.” you shrunk under her unresponsive form, unable to tell what her reaction was to be. Would she be angry at you? Would she believe that you were returning to him just to give him another chance?

She tilted her head to the side at your visible distress. She noticed how you were fiddling with your fingers, intertwining your fingers and unlatching them.

“Why must you go back to him? after he has hurt you so many times?” she signed, a frown snaking up onto her once joyful face.

“I'm not going back because I love him. I have something important to show him, something that concerns the day of the accident…” you said mumbling the last part, feeling your humiliation rising back up at the thought of the day where you had been literally manhandled in front of the whole village. 

Zuko’s ears flattened at your attempt in convincing her, still feeling like she was missing something.

“So you still do love him then?” 

You found yourself hesitating at her questing, despite knowing what your heart was urging you to say. Your hesitance sent hope into Zuko’s own heart, but her brain told her to wait for confirmation before she got over herself. 

“It’s hard to rid yourself of those feelings, no matter how I am at him or how much of a skxawng he is,” the both of you laughed. “It doesn’t mean that I forgive him for lying to me, and for….well everything else.” you breathed out, feeling your throat tighten out at the thought of your lover’s betrayal. 

“You may know what it feels like, have you ever loved anybody before?” you asked, and she looked at you solemnly. 

‘Yes, I have loved you.’ she wishes to say, but not words could leave her throat. They made their way from her heart, racing through the vessels of her veins before getting stuck in her throat. She hated her disability at the moment for her lack of expression. She wished she could sign it to him, before you decide to leave to meet with the boy that had stolen your heart. 

Her hands shook with nerves as she failed to bring them between the both of them. As much as she tried, the fear of your rejection blocked her from telling you those few words, and oh how much she wished for you to know. 

At the end of the day, Zuko knew that it was worthless anyways. Your heart soared for Neteyam only. It would always be him, never her. She can't blame you for loving the Sully boy, for he is everything that she was not. Loving someone means letting them be happy, and if you were happy loving Neteyam, then she had no right to try and ruin things for you. 

She shook her head from side to side, signing a quiet no with her head. She looked so crestfallen that it sent a pang to your heart, she was your best friend after all and seeing her so sad affected your mood as well. You tried to smile warmly at her, being her pillar of comfort . 

“You will find the one for you, I am sure of it,” you said, and soon Zuko was forced to watch you walk away. She couldn’t refuse when you had asked so sweetly if she could bring you to the village. The words that she failed to tell you would always be stuck at the back of her throat as though a punishment for her cowardice. 

-

You had almost wanted to punch yourself as you found yourself standing before the Sully’s tent door. 

With much hesitation, you stepped foot into the tent and to your bad luck, Neytiri had been the first to spot your frame. She abruptly stood up from where she was previously sitting, disturbing Tuk from her peace. Every single eye from the tent turnt towards the scene, especially unwanted one’s. Neteyam was quick to stand up after his mother, desperation obvious on his face.

She felt a little bit more hostile given that you had shown yourself here in your human body, but she couldn’t help and wondered how you had made it here. You had no Kuru as a human, so how did you make the bond with your Ikran to reach the High camp? 

Neytiri felt the urge to say something to you, but what? She didn’t know if she should’ve scolded you for being here after she explicitly told you to stay out of the village, or to thank you for exposing that scum earlier this morning. The man that had endangered her daughter. 

She was lost in her own confusion and feelings towards you. In a way, she wanted to apologise for being the way she was to you, but she feared the act of forgiving your people. She feared that if she accepted you like she had with Jake, it would turn out to be a whole undercover story like it had been with the ex-marine. 

She feared that you would hurt her son like Jake had once hurt her, though they were far from that now. He had proven himself amongst the clan and he had redeemed himself, so why couldn’t you? Though she didn’t like and trust you enough to forgive you for now, she would simply stay quiet until you showed your potential real colours. 

Neteyam grazed a hand on his mothers shoulders, gently pushing her out of the way as he went to walk towards you. She couldn’t say anything this time, she just wouldn’t allow herself to. It wasn’t for you, it was for her son. If he was happy with you then so be it, she just wishes that he doesn’t come crying to her afterwards.

Oh and how much of the story had she missed…

“You must take a look at this,” you said, tone cold and urgent as you showed him the iPad. Eywa, how many of these did you sky people have. You pushed the iPad towards him, the device making straight contact with his toned stomach due to your height difference. He was slim and fit, lacking fat in his stomach area, so it was useless to say that it hurt like a bitch when the device made contact with his body.

Neteyam thought about it, before passing the iPad to his mother. He outstretched his arm towards her, holding the small device between careful fingers. Neytiri hesitated before the demon device, eventually accepting to keep it for now at her son’s furrowed eyebrow bones. 

“What are you doing? I told you to look at it.” you rolled your eyes as he delayed your leave. The exopack on your face was really starting to bother you and you wished for nothing more than to go back home and unto the comfort of your warm bed.

“Come on, come with me. There are things we must talk about.” you gave him an uninterested look, before he tried again. 

“And I will walk you home after, I promise. Just join me in this walk.” he says, asif reading your mind. 

“Make sure to actually walk her home, brother!” Lo’ak yelled from inside of the tent, causing Neytiri and Jake to throw him a deterrent glare. Kiri hit him upside the head, a clear sibling habit that she had adopted. “OW, OH YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!” 

Lo’ak turned around to face her, forehead creased as he hissed at his sister.

Jake sighed as he knew that tonight was going to be a long night for him. 

-

Eclipse had already settled upon the lands of Pandora, and the exhaustion was really starting to take a toll on you. You were walking beside Neteyam in the forest as you awaited for him to make the first move. 

The fan lizards seemed to have been staring into your soul, anticipating your chaos as they rested comfortably camouflaged on the branches. Though you had no interest in the lizards, or the Yerik that played near your feet, or the bioluminescent beauty that surrounded the both of you. You simply wanted to get this over with, listen to what Neteyam had to urgently tell you and dip back home. 

Noting that you were walking as a human in the humongous forest now, you were getting tired two times faster than before and Neteyam was taking you rather far away from the prying ears of the omatikaya. 

“So….?” you started, looking forward at the trail before you instead of at Neteyam. He breathed in audibly as you broke the silence, stopping in front of you as he looked at his feet. Neither of you were staring at each other, and you both were glad at that. 

“I wanted to say I'm sorry, for…..for everything really.” He apologised with a genuine tone. You scoffed a little too loudly at him, and he turned to look at you oddly. You still weren’t concentrating on him, and he shrunk under your lack of attention.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, worried at your scornful laugh. 

“You thinking that apologising is enough,” you mumbled loud enough for him to hear. The forest went silent at your argument, as though the nature besides you was listening to your lovers quarrel. You felt as though the leaves were people that watched you, and you soon grew yourself a whole audience of trees and wild beasts. 

Neteyam’s eyebrow bones furrowed at your scornful comment once more, and he was starting to get irritated by your lack of understanding.

“Because clearly it isn’t?” he sassed, rolling his eyes as he averted them from you.

“Eywa, Neteyam you lied to me!’ You yelled at him, feeling your throat tightening on you as you fought the urge to cry. Not in front of him, not again. It was your time to stare at your unresponsive partner now. 

“And I’m sorry! I didnt know how to tell y-“

“You’re sorry? You were bethrothed to my best friend the entire time and all you can find to say is that you’re sorry?” You sniffled, betrayal written all over your face. You wanted to stop the deep feeling of hurt that you felt at the fact, but there was nothing that could ease it. Neteyam groaned as you spoke back, nevertheless softening at your soft sniffles. He lifted a hand up to brush against the back of his neck that hid behind his long braids. His beads clinked together as he moved them. 

“I didn't know how to tell you, one minute you were just somebody that I was forced to teach and the next you became so much more than that!” He yelled back. Frustration was running thick in his veins as he couldn’t find a way to properly express himself to you. “I do not love Zepii and I never did, it was always you,” his strong voice faltered as he spoke softly to you. 

“When were you supposed to be mated to her”

you asked, and Neteyam’s face contorted to confusion. He had just told you that he held nothing more than amiability for the girl, what more was there to say? 

You repeated your question once more, this time more sternly as Neteyam got lost in his own thoughts. 

“In two months or so…” he trailed off.

“And then what, you were just going to wake up on that day and decide to throw me to the side and go tend to your new mate.” You hollered. You sounded like a hysterical woman asking her husband where he had been all night. But as selfish as you sounded for asking the future Olo’eyktan if he would choose between you and a woman that he was bound to be mated to for his duties, you just needed to know. 

“Listen, I…” he trailed off again, unable to find the right words to tell you in your moment of distress. The mask that was on your face stopped him from reading the emotions that were displayed on your face properly, but he knew that it was nothing joyful.

“I can't go any further than this, Neteyam” 

The na’vi man looked at you through desperate half-lidded eyes, partly understanding what you had said although wishing for you to not mean what he thought you did.

“I'm trying to say that we should just end this here, Neteyam.” you were finally able to say. You eyed the na’vi boy nervously as he stayed silent. Eywa, there was so much tension in the air that you could probably slice through it with a dagger and it was starting to feel more and more awkward as the seconds passed by.  Neteyam felt as though his whole universe had just fallen, as though Pandora had just stopped rotating and had deprived him of any air. 

You, the love of his life, was breaking up with him because you claimed that he loved you no more. You were wrong, he wanted to scream and beg for you to take him back even though you had just left him. Because he loved you more than he could say.

His yearning for you was stronger than his need for water, and he’d sworn that you crossed his mind every second that you were not next to him. You invaded his mind when he didn't want you to, and you stayed there until he had to force himself to think of something else. 

Now he watched as the one person he has ever loved so much walks away from his life because of his mistakes. Oh how much he wishes that you were born as one of them, so that he could love you without the burden of being downcasted upon his clan, his friends, his mother. He wishes that Neytiri would understand you, would see you as he saw you. Then maybe things would been easier for the both of you. 

“What?” Neteyam asked in a hushed tone, as though he would break if he spoke any louder. He questioned you as asif he had not heard you the first time, as though you had not just broken his heart.

“I’m sorry neteyam, I fear that you do not love me like you had once done. And i fear that you never will.” You spoke, voice equally as hushed as his. He moved towards you in fast paced steps, grabbing both of your hands in his tight grip when he reached you. It was slightly an awkward position due to your height difference, but he was really starting to get desperate here. He was desperate to not let you go, because he knew that if he let go of your hands right now, you’d disappear from his life forever. 

“I can change for you Y/N, i see you,” he said, but nothing was enough to convince you anymore. “I love you more than I can express, I beg of you to let me prove that to you. I will force my mother to see you if I have to, she will have no other choice,”

“We can run away together, once we become mates they will have no choice but to accept us!” He begged, so close to falling to his knees just for you to understand his pleas. A deep frown settled on your face as you watched him express his despair and your heart soared as a single tear made its way down his delicate cheeks.

He didn't bother to wipe it, and soon many more were to follow through. You felt your throat tighten up even more at the pitiful sight of the person you once called your lover. You turned your head to look at anything but Neteyam. You could not stand to look him in the face anymore, afraid that if you continued, you would break just like him and accept his promises.

His empty promises. 

You knew that there was no way that you could be with Neteyam without some sort of repercussion. If you ran away today with him, were you sure that another clan would take you in? If you mated with him on this fateful night, you were sure that the both of you would never live down the shame that was to be casted upon the both of you from the clan’s judgmental voices. You cannot do this to someone that you love, and you would not.

No matter how much neteyam’s words and actions have affected you, or how much his absence pained you, you knew that a part of you would always yearn for him. That’s why you had to let him go, lie to him about his own lack of love. Perhaps you could manipulate him into believing that he actually did not feel for you anymore, then it would hurt less for him. 

You’d tell him lies in the eyes of love. 

Because you never wished for adversity upon Neteyam just because of your selfish love, but if that was all that you could bring upon him, then the best solution was to let him go.

You cupped his face into one of your hands, four fingers laying across his jawline as your thumb ran comfortingly on his cheek. You used the backside of your index on your free hand to wipe his tears away, and he melted in your touch. He was relishing in what could be your last touch, and he forced himself to accept that. 

'I'm sorry,’ you whispered to him, as though that would soothe the both of your breaking hearts. You could not shake off the frown that was imposed on your face and you wished that the Tashik had some kind of herbal medicine for the throb that you felt deep inside your chest. 

Breakups are not always all one sided evilness and derisive threats. Sometimes, breakups are for the better, and you hopped that this is what you could bring in Neteyam’s life even if it meant leaving him. 

-

When neteyam got home that night, he was inconsolable. Oh what love does to you. He was still in denial, refusing to believe that you had left him for good, that you had abandoned your na’vi body once more. His brother wanted to make fun of him so bad for crying, like a brother does to another. Though he saw through Neteyam’s pain, he understood that what he was going through was real.

Neteyam’s heart hurt so bad he could physically feel it, the spot in his chest that churned with remorse and twists in regret. Kiri wishes she could take her brother suffering away, but in other light, she felt more for you. She knew what it felt like to be an outcast just like you and her brother Lo’ak. Being teased endlessly because of her five fingers and weird eyebrows.

Though she was spared because she had been adopted by the olo’eyktan and the Tsahik of the omatikaya. She could not even start to imagine what this whole thing felt like from your side. If neteyam felt twisting in his chest than you felt your whole heart being worn out. 

He knew that he had to be strong, not to appear like a heavy-hearted person before his family. Though he just couldn’t anymore, he couldn’t keep the act up. He couldn’t go back home pretending like everything was okay, because it was not. 

Neytiri was so worried for her son. Her son that was usually the family’s sunshine, behind Tuk of course. He was so uncharacteristically quiet that it troubled her mind. His tears brought some of her own to her eyes, but she brushed them away because it was not her moment to cry. 

Her son was clearly going through something and she had to be there for him. So she did so, she sat beside Neteyam, bringing her knees to her chest just as he had done. She had tried everything to get Neteyam to talk to her ever since he had stepped foot back in the tent, but to no avail. 

He was giving her the silent treatment, and Neytiri hated the fact that she knew she probably deserved it. If she hadn’t been so harsh on you, maybe the both of you would still be happy right now. She knew that deep down you were just as much of a kid as her son, human or not. You had feelings like her son, and your feelings could get hurt just like his.

Even with the knowledge, she still treated you as though you were undeserving of everything. You were someone else’s daughter just as much as Kiri and Tuk were her daughters, and she would hate for someone else to treat them like she had treated you. She hated when those young boys would make fun of Kiri and Lo’ak for their 5 fingers, so why must she have been so rude towards you?

Neytiri had tried everything. She had tried sitting and talking to him during dinner time. She tried to encourage him to come hunting with her when the sun would show again. She had tried to comfort him, but he wanted none of it coming from her. Eventually Jake got her to lay off his back until he was ready to talk about it to them, so they both left and drowned into a deep pool of slumber. 

His younger brother snored loudly in his spot, informing Neteyam that he was well asleep. He checked on his other sisters too, who seemed to be sleeping as well. He couldn’t sleep because he couldn’t get you off his mind, he couldn’t get anything that had happened off of his mind.

He thought back at the iPad that you had given him so urgently earlier, telling him how much he had to look at its content. Though he felt a pang in his heart at the thought that it was your device. You had given it to him. 

With a huff, he pushed all of those feelings away. He turned on the weird gadget with much difficulty due to his large fingers. The ipad that you had chosen to pass him was generally large, though still no match for the na’vi build. He was afraid to mess with it too much, scared of what it could and would do if he pressed the wrong thing.

Thankfully for him, upon unlocking the device the video had already been there. Ready for him to play. Perhaps you had known of his lack of knowledge towards those types of things and that’s why you had prepared it for him beforehand? Neteyam shook his head, of course you did. 

You knew him like the back of your hand. You knew of his dislike towards the other sky people and their traditions and basically their whole existence. You knew what kind of flowers he loved, the type that smells so strong that he creases his nose after inhaling its sweet aroma for too long. You knew so much about him. 

His fingers moved to press on the obvious play button in the middle on the screen and he jumped as a loud audio began playing from the video. His ears flared up at the familiar voices of those boys, and he watched the rest of the video with genuine curiosity.

The soft light of the iPad enveloped his sharp features in the sheer darkness of the night. It hurt his eyes slightly, but he just couldn’t care much about that. He couldn’t help the way his ears then tensed upon recognition of what was happening, and he just knew at the moment that he had to do everything in his ability to make things right with you once more.

The night was pressing on, and his exhaustion after everything that had happened today was really starting to act on him. His eyelids were beginning to close upon themselves and the ipad nearly slipped out of his once tight grip as he felt himself lose consciousness. 

He gave up for today, deciding to enjoy the solace of his warm bed for the night. Tomorrow, he’d promise himself that he’d start working harder for you, that he’d soon confront his mother and end things with Zepii publicly. He promised himself that this time, he would not serve you anymore empty promises. 

-

tags @uwu-i-purple-you @love13tter @melsunshine @bratsukisworld @jyoungmom @ihonestlydontknowwhattonamethis @fanboyluvr @erenjaegerwifee @laylasbunbunny @gabithefanwriter @alwaysandforever22 @jjkclub @koalalafications @doggyteam2028 @navs-bhat @miawastakens @innersuitcasehairdoscissors @peachinsomniac @hlhl99 @loakloverr @chucklefuvk @idktbhloley @saltedcoffeescotch @kikookii @anxietydrogz @inluvwithneteyam @arminsgfloll @doulcha @dreamergirljen @parrotpeggy @onetwo123three @neteyams-wifee @jdbxws @wheeeelys @lovedbychoi @neteyamsmate4life

[salvadorbonaparte]

2024 in Films - Part I

I watched too many films again this year so here's some reviews from the first quarter of 2024

January

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) - Pretty much the opposite college experience as depicted in 3 Idiots and also there's a scene where a child spontaneously converts to Islam to keep a wedding from happening and that works

Rocky (1976) - I got a little too into that series this year

The Karate Kid (1984) - Turns out the original is actually pretty good and I just watched the bad reboot as a kid! Oops!

Face/Off (1997) - This feels like it should be a fake film within a different film. Why is the face transplant plan A? There are some great scenes though, like the wife not recognising her husband, that made me question if this is actually a really deep exploration of identity. And then it got silly again.

Theater Camp (2023) - Almost makes me wish summer camps were real

Gone are the Days! (1963) - I watched this for Alan Alda's terrible high pitched southern accent but stayed for Ossie Davis infectious energy

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) - Manic Pixie Dream Girl Amnesia. Joke aside, why is it that I can't stand Jim Carrey in comedies but love him in dramas

Moonstruck (1987) - This won an Oscar????

February

That Touch of Mink (1962) - homophobia stops insider trading apparently

Carol (2015) - This probably would have given me a sexuality crisis in 2015

Ay Carmela (1990) - no scene in any film will portray the horror of the civil war and fascism as well as the half eaten dinner table in the abandoned house

Rope (1948) - people only focus on the gay subtext (which is real) but can we pleeaaase talk about the politics of the film

Catch-22 (1970) - did a pretty good job in adapting a book that is really difficult to adapt

Platoon (1986) - This was another entry in my grad school watch list

Pan's Labyrinth (2006) - I wanted to watch this since forever but wanted to wait until I could understand it in Spanish. Well worth the hype.

Rocky II (1979) - a sequel that initially made me go "was this really necessary" but then brought me a lot of joy

Rocky III (1982) - Intricate Rituals

Rocky IV (1985) - A metaphor for the Cold War but also. Bad.

Rocky V (1990) - Bad

Rocky Balboa (2006) - Better but like what the fuck was that editing during the fight

March

Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018) - I love when stand up comedy is recommended to me with "this will make you cry and change your life" and then it's true

The Holdovers (2023) - Liked it so much I watched it twice but the guy playing Kountze looked too modern like he definitely knows what an iPhone is

The Zone of Interest (2023) - the banality of evil is kind of a cliché phrase by now but it's real

American Fiction (2023) - clever satire, if I say more it probably turns into an essay

Capote (2005) - Rip Truman Capote you would have loved true crime podcasts. Also this was a continuation of my Philip Seymour Hoffman haunting

An American Werewolf in London (1981) - I love when a werewolf film doubles as survivors guilt

Poor Things (2023) - Horrible

Creed (2015) - Pretty much just Rocky but with a 2015 soundtrack and I'm not mad about it

A Fantastic Woman (2017) - a wrote a long ass review on letterboxd about this film is about loss

Creed II (2018) - As haunted as a sports movie is allowed to get before having to add real ghosts (please tell me there's sports films with ghosts). It's about "like father like son". It's about legacy. It's about being defined by your family names. It's about fatherhood. It's about breaking the cycle.

Creed III (2023) - Finally a film that asks the brave question "what if Rocky V was good?"

Dune (1984) - I liked the worms

The Joel Files (2001) - the story of two families in the third reich and one of them happened to be Billy Joel's

Oppenheimer (2023) - Would have made me insufferable during my teenage physics phase

Shiva Baby (2020) - a film that's also an anxiety attack

Searching for Sugar Man (2012) - insane!!!

Menashe (2017) - first Yiddish film I ever watched

Fruitvale Station (2013) - haunted

I, Tonya (2017) - a film keenly aware of the unreliability and subjectivity of both interviews and biopics, this is a sports biopic but also a moving story about the human need for love and the cycle of abuse and it's also damn funny.

Nosferatu (1922) - both scarier and more boring than the novel and also uniquely blood libel flavoured

Mädchen in Uniform (1931) - people were right this is gay

Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975) - Lovecraftian horror for cottagecore lesbians

I do not care if we go down in history as barbarians (2018) - history repeats itself, first as a tragedy then as a farce

La Haine (1995) - I watched this because of my professor :)

A Most Wanted Man (2014) - Philip Seymour Hoffman Haunting Continuation

Ödipussi (1988) - "Mommy calls me Pussi" is an actual quote

13 Little Donkeys and the Sun Court (1958) - Yeehaw???

[sidebaxolotl]

I have a question for you if you wouldn’t mind answering. I’m a lesbian and I’ve been considering turning to religion and being side b, but my main question is why would God want me to suffer this much? Why would He let me date my girlfriend for 3 years, all of which has been blissfully happy and feels totally right and good, if He really wants me to give it all up and break both of our hearts? It doesn’t feel like sin to me. We didn’t even sleep with each other until we’d been together for a year because I found it very hard to get over my shame and they waited for me the entire time. Isn’t there that verse about the fruit something brings? Being a lesbian has brought nothing but joy into my life. In fact, the only suffering it’s caused me is when I used to try to be side b. I don’t see why God would want that for me if He allowed me to be made a lesbian.

And to be honest, it seems like most of the side b people I know struggle a lot with being side b, like it doesn’t come naturally to them. I wonder how you reconcile that difficulty and pain with believing that a good God would want this for you. You could make the argument that Satan wants you to suffer and is causing your temptation, but if that’s the case why doesn’t God just fix it, if He’s all powerful? Maybe He wants me to have free will, but I’ve asked Him countless times to make me straight so it’s not like I want to be gay.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just find this sort of thing really hard to wrap my head around, but I want there to be a good answer that I can hold on to.

Hey friend! To be honest I do understand where you're coming from. My relationship with my ex was one of the most wonderful things ive ever felt, and it did feel right and very good, unlike a lot of the sin in my life. Even now I struggle sometimes to reconcile that and I know if things hadn't ended so badly I'd be in your situation right now. I also prayed many times that God would make me straight (and for a while I thought it worked lmao). For a long time after The Breakup I struggled really hard with what to do, i was struggling with lesbian erotica/fandom content, wondering what to do with my faith, wondering if I should force myself to marry a man, crying out to God to curse Him or blame Him for my situation, for taking her away from me, etc. I fell into a very deep depression and was very close to unaliving myself over it (and other things). I had to go on medication for an extended period of time because I did not want to live. It was a really rough time in my life and I'm glad despite all the things that I said and did out of grief that I made it out of that period of my life with my relationship to God in tact. Letting go of sin, particularly sexuality related sin can be really hard because sin doesn't always feel bad. A lot of sin does and has immediate consequences, which makes it particularly easy to avoid/stop doing but a lot of it doesn't. We live in a world where sin has permeated the deepest reaches of our universe and our own bodies. Our own judgement apart from Christ cannot always be trusted:

"The heart is deceitful above all things,     and desperately sick;     who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

So it might not feel bad or wrong(it still doesn't feel that way to me personally), but we know God is objectively good and knows what is best, so if He says its bad, then its bad. There are reasons for this, but that's beyond the scope of this post so maybe another time. What I will also say though, is that the Christian life is hard in general and suffering is guaranteed. The apostles suffered--many of them endured gruesome deaths for the sake of the gospel, and even Jesus, the author and sustainer of our faith was abandoned by his friends and made to unjustly die on a cross with common criminals. If the son of God, the prince of peace, could not escape this fate then neither will we. This particular passage comes to mind:

"But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps" 1 Peter 2

The thing about Christian suffering is that none of it is meaningless. Because of God's grace and mercy He can use something that was never meant to exist (suffering and pain) and use it to bring us closer to Him and help build us into the people we should be, emulating God's character and love. These are some verses about suffering in regards to faith that I've found particularly helpful or enlightening:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" 2 Cor 4:16-18 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4

And as Christians we know for sure our suffering is not eternal. When we shed this mortal coil we will never feel the sting of sin ever again. And when the New heavens and the New earth are brought to fruition we will experience life as it always was supposed to be. And even now my life isn't just suffering. I'm doing very well now. I'm no longer depressed, I'm off medication (with doctor approval). I genuinely love my life. I'm super satisfied with being single, i freaking love it honestly lol. And my relationship with God is stronger than its ever been. Being side b isn't always easy but it really is not a death sentence devoid of happiness either!

[hanasnx]

indy we may be the same person because i did too lollll. i liked how he js announced and starlight really had no choice but to agree and the kiss???? omg i was creaming it was no joke 😭😭 and then the possessiveness and the threats of him killing ppl when she got too close to them like wow. he likes everything to be his so it makes sense for him to be overly jealous when you start getting too comfortable with a guy. definitely lazers his headhead off when he sees u chatting with him and doesn’t care if u get mad, cus you’re his at the end of the day - 🧃

the part where she had to kiss him 🥴 and threatening the one she truly loves so that she’d stay in line with his expectations 🥴🥴 my kind of shit.

his lack of parental figures makes him yearn and claw for that promised stability of a nuclear family. in a way, he saw madelyn stillwell in the role of his “mother.” someone who comforted him, someone he relinquished control to, someone who gave him pleasure, and someone to gain approval from. and the role of his “father” was filled by stan edgar. who he tried to rebel against and prove his worth to.

when he tried to operate said nuclear family himself, the role of the children was placed on the seven. and the role of mommy was forced onto maggie shaw (queen maeve)—even her indifference and distaste for homelander trying to push her into that role only fueled it. he expected the “mother” to try and reject her role, because in his eyes that’s what a mother does. she rejects her “responsibilities.” which is one of the reasons why he had such a tight hold on maeve. even going as far as to warn her he’d use her eggs—that’s how desperate he was to use her to fulfill his needs.

in the second season, he tried out filling the parental role himself a little more literally because the original holders were missing and he’d discovered his son. he wanted to play daddy, he wanted klara risinger (stormfront) to play mommy. when his expectations cracked, he burned down her trailer in retaliation even when she had no idea what he was trying to accomplish and what she had to do with it. klara did her best to fulfill his needs, but ultimately she succumbed to her own. leaving homelander feeling more or less abandoned. again.

so now he’s even more desperate to fill that hole, so he forces annie january (starlight) to do it. even though she’s kicking and screaming, homelander will not budge. he revels in the fact he has such a grip on her actions because it’s like getting revenge for all the disappointment leading up to this point. it fascinates me. he wants to fill the nuclear family roles so bad he blackmails starlight into it, he doesn’t even like starlight that much. but it’s an opportunity he can’t pass up

thanks for giving me an excuse to info dump about this, ive been sitting on these observations for months

[staarfrvit]

Top 5 nightwing v2 moments and top 5 foods

ohh my godd nightwing 96 my beloved. truly some of the most INSANE character arcs and dialogues of all time. i still cant pick!

okay so i dont really remember which issues are V2 so if some of these are wrong just use your imagination, my fav moments from nightwing v2 in no specific order::

dick expressing his love and pride for tim. goshh that scene really was everything. dick watching and admiring tim just like people used to admire dick, feeling confident in his little brother and how much he's learning and how he's oh so better than him.

"God, I love that kid. I love him too much to let him see me like this."

especially with what comes after! tim actually taking the time to come to dick and ask him how he felt about the adoption. tim tells dick that bruce still needs him, needs to believe that dick is on his side, and by extension tim needs dick too. and dick's response! his justified anger bc he's in such a bad place rn and he does not wanna here about bruce's fake promises, especially coming from tim.

"Remember how I once told you that Batman needed a Robin? Well that's still true.

But even more than that, he... he needs you. You know, not like every second or whatever, but at the end of the day he needs to know that you're still on his side. It's...important."

and what does dick say?

YOU--! --You have no idea how much of my life I've wasted believing that was true.

2. the whole evil mob arc like "ooh look at me im so bad and evil and everything i touch rots" like babe aint nobody believing that except youu. quoting del's post (im pretty sure) dick grayson you look for your father's love in the most fucked up places <3

"You take as long as you need son, and when you're ready to come home just show up day or night."

3. the scene where roy comes to check up on dick?? hello??

"Nightwing? That you, man? Good to see you fighting the good fight bro!"

"Roy..."

"Ive been hearing all these crazy rumors that you've gone over to the dark side."

AND THEN- THE PUNCH. OUGH.

he is trying to keep roy away, if he keeps him at arm's length, makes sure he doesn't come back, then he won't get hurt. this is dick's mess and dick needs to fix it. classic deflection trick from the bat-book. he also doesn't want roy to see him like this. dick envies roy's sense of self...his ability to stay even when things get tough.

roy's abandonment issues vs dick's active detachment fight

4. the blockbuster monolgue scene... truly one of the best nightwing villains. feeding into dick's guilt complex... u can never go back and the way forward is washed with the consequences of your sins. it's an understatement when i say i lost my MIND reading this.

here's a link to the transcript of the post comparing grayson's dialogue vs taylor's reboot version

5. when dick goes to meet helena and she tells him

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't pry them away from you with a crowbar."

referring to rose and sophia when dick asks helena to care for them--bc he trusts HER.

like.. deep down u know she is right. my girl was not taking his shit today. so much can be said about their relationship and about dick from this one scene but i'm afraid i don't have the words to say it. but i could link some great dickhelena metas here and here.

bonus: literally all the scenes with sophia and rose in them. i really disliked how they left that knot untied, there was so much potential there... so much love and discovery. never getting over them and their messed up little family of have beens and could bes..

--- 𓆩♡𓆪

as for my favorite foods.. that's a toughie. im a really picky eater so those vids you see on social media about going to restaurants and ordering chicken nuggets is exactly me. buttt here's a fragment of an answer::

i lovee my mom's homemade food. mama's cooking is always the best and whenever i venture anywhere away from home it's literally all i can think about. also i know all the love she puts into each and every fresh meal and there never passed a day she let me leave home on an empty stomach <3

the loml kfc fried chicken. look i LOVE chicken of all types- butter chicken, fried chicken, chicken kebab. but kfc chicken as my friday takeout meal has always been a staple in my life.

ALSO CHICKEN RENDANG MMM. THEY WERE REALLY COOKING WHEN THEY MADE THAT.

aloo paratha with butter. you can keep your pancakes and ur waffles there's nothing i'd rather have for breakfast than a yummy aloo paratha and i KNOW im not the only one.

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4 spoilers

im having intrusive thoughts (theyre UNWELCOME. ive been hit by so many emotions i cant stop myself from actually crying rn ) now that i finished it okay so

if there are any typos or wrong words that dont make sense im SO sorry i usually sleep around this time (i wrote confused instead of convinced im SOBBING) so my brain is slowing down on me

whbat if. what if if

we encounter the dawn knight

and silver's ring starts glowing

and they accuse him of being a traitor because it seems weirdly familiar (or the knight accuses silver of being a thief? IDK)

LISTEN im still convinced that the dawn knight and silver are connected in some way. i just dont know how yet. aghhhhh

ALSO WHEN is the conversation about them mentioning 'hey you keep calling me father..' (could be brushed off as 'you remind me a lot of my father'. cue probably mixed feelings) or '..hey what was that about you calling yourself a zigvolt when we first met?'

i mean sharing LAST NAMES (edit: i said nicknames wtf? im so sorry) without being related is normal. although i dont know how normal it is in twisted wonderland.

ALSO sebek also like doubled down like

baur: you dont have the signature scales

sebek: my mother has them!

baur: then why dont you?

sebek: ... (ashamed of his father. ashamed of his blood. poor baby. he really just ended up taking being called a 'human /neg'. to be fair i dont want to know reactions to a half-fae, because that would mean during the war between fae and humans, a fae got together with a human. and we know that that relationship was looked down upon even now in the future where the war is over, i think.)

(this book made me such a sebek apologist 😭)

like COME ON dont brush it off. i mean im going to cry for that conversation because its just going to be PAIN but like CMONNN????

where are the consequences?

then again this isnt real its just. a dream.

but...

also what if the dawn knight is silvers dad and lilia fucking idk kidnapped him and it started the war [although he'd be way too young in that case since this is 400 YEARS in the past] (but then theres the note lilia read him which means silver probably did get abandoned. .......or maybe lilia killed the dawn knight and his last words were giving his son over and that note about not wanting silver's eyes to cloud over in sorrow, and to instead be as clear as the jewel on the ring...)

or or or or

AHHH

i have. so many thoughts.

i STILL believe silver's at least related to the dawn knight. ...im just not sure how but i keep backtracking to son because yes.

and like itd also play into the 'fae stealing children' idea thingy. although i wonder if thats more offensive if that gets mentioned at all. if it was like some sort of propaganda bedtime story that humans told their children to make them terrified of fae and viewing them as monsters or something..

like

cuz

remember that merchant in the port town(?) area thing

first mistook us for monsters because of our masks (but thats fair)

realized we were like fae?? made a racket

this guard came over and the merchant accused US of threatening the guy to hand over his shit like what??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?? we dont even want your fucking spices or whatever wtf ???

i am also a believer that there's a huge misunderstanding between the fae and humans that caused this war.

but also.

i know twisted wonderland is very tragic and everything

but if the dawn knight and the ironclads kill malleus' mom im going to hate them so much. more than i already do [well i hate the ironclads, not the dawn knight, since one bad apple doesnt make them all bad apples]. (look they probably killed raverne but..... malleus' parents man. one is better then none. :( )

god

imagine though that the dawn knight is silvers dad (in whatever twisted time loophole age gap thing whatever the fuck even if it doesnt make sense)

and the dawn knights kills maleanor . . .? i. cant remember (OKAY maleanor is malleus' mom.? and maleficia is like grandma. i think... i. bro the overuse of mal is confusing me so bad sob)

just. imagine silver spiraling into a sort of self-hate. like. im the child of your enemy. my dad ("your dad is LILIA." says someone) killed malleus' parents...

and it probably feels worse then. idk. being a human in a land of fae. like so much more out of place

and so horrible

ahh im worried

..then again maleanor (i almost said maleficia oops) is super strong right? so she'd probably win.. (but also. its a lot harder to fight with something to protect. that being your precious little eggwhich you would probably die for to keep safe) ALSO SHE DIED SO LIKE ???

hhh i dont know what to think

JP SPoilers now

also really fucking worried because JP server's all the way in like idk pomefiore and im just like

how did you even get there. whAT? THIS ENDS?

like i know it'd have to end eventually but i just cant see an end in sight...

:((

i hope we can bring lilia with us. but there might be a chance he'll be made to fall into a deeper sleep where we cant assist since the whole point of his overblot was about lilia and wanting to keep him 'alive' and there

so.....

im just. sad.

[baelontargaryen]

ASOIAF + Wind and words

Robert set the pace, driving his huge black destrier hard as Ned galloped along beside him, trying to keep up. He called out a question as they rode, but the wind blew his words away, and the king did not hear him. After that Ned rode in silence. They soon left the kingsroad and took off across rolling plains dark with mist. By then the guard had fallen back a small distance, safely out of earshot, but still Robert would not slow. — AGOT, Eddard I

“Then Lord Eddard is a man in ten thousand. Most of us are not so strong. What is honor compared to a woman’s love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms … or the memory of a brother’s smile? Wind and words. Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy. — AGOT, Jon VIII

“Well, as to that, some gave me soft words and some blunt, some made excuses, some promises, some only lied.” He shrugged. “In the end words are just wind.” — ACOK, Prologue

The maester laughed at that. “And there you have it, my lord. Words are wind, you know, and you’ve blown mine away with your good sense. His Grace knows what he has in you, I think.” — ASOS, Davos V

“Words. Words are wind. Why do you think I abandoned Dragonstone and sailed to the Wall, Lord Snow?” — ASOS, Jon XI

“Words are wind. If you love me, do not leave me.” — AFFC, A Soiled Knight

“. . . did not stop you slaying Aerys. Words are wind. You could have had me, but you chose a cloak instead. Get out.” — AFFC, Jaime II

“Words are wind,” Victarion told them, “and the only good wind is that which fills our sails. Would you have me fight the Crow’s Eye? Brother against brother, ironborn against ironborn?” Euron was still his elder, no matter how much bad blood might be between them. No man is as accursed as the kinslayer. — AFFC, The Iron Captain

Words are wind, Brienne told herself. They cannot hurt you. Let them wash over you. “As you command, my lord,” she tried to say, but Tarly had gone before she got it out. She walked from the yard like one asleep, not knowing where she was going. — AFFC, Brienne V

“So you say. Words are wind. When the hour is ripe, you may produce this paragon of yours and we will see if he is all that you have promised.” — AFFC, Cersei VII

The thing that had been Catelyn Stark took hold of her throat again, fingers pinching at the ghastly long slash in her neck, and choked out more sounds. “Words are wind, she says,” the northman told Brienne. “She says that you must prove your faith.” — AFFC, Brienne VIII

“Fine words.” Tyrion was unimpressed. “Words are wind. Who is this bloody savior?” — ADWD, Tyrion I

[...] “From all I hear, his lordship’s fatter than ever. So much for vows. Words are wind, and the wind from Manderly’s mouth means no more than the wind escaping out his bottom.” — ADWD, Davos I

“Words are wind,” said the young woman behind Lord Wyman’s high seat, the handsome one with the long brown braid. “And men will lie to get their way, as any maid could tell you.” — ADWD, Davos III

He shall be the stallion that mounts the world. Dany knew how it went with prophecies. They were made of words, and words were wind. There would be no son for Loraq, no heir to unite dragon and harpy. When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, when the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. Only then would her womb quicken once again … ... Dany folded her hands together. “Words are wind, even words like love and peace. I put more trust in deeds. In my Seven Kingdoms, knights go on quests to prove themselves worthy of the maiden that they love. They seek for magic swords, for chests of gold, for crowns stolen from a dragon’s hoard.” — ADWD, Daenerys IV

Iron Emmett grimaced. “Men are men, vows are words, and words are wind. You should put guards around the women.” — ADWD, Jon VII

“Be that as it may, they do not trust you. The men of New Ghis feel the same. Words are wind, as you yourself have so oft said. No words of yours will secure this peace for Meereen. Your foes require deeds. They would see us wed, and they would see me crowned as king, to rule beside you.” — ADWD, Daenerys VI

“That is good to hear,” the prince said, “but words are wind. You are my brother’s daughters and I love you, but I have learned I cannot trust you. I want your oath. Will you swear to serve me, to do as I command?” — ADWD, The Watcher

“—that I am half a wildling myself, a turncloak who means to sell the realm to our raiders, cannibals, and giants.” Jon did not need to stare into a fire to know what was being said of him. The worst part was, they were not wrong, not wholly. “Words are wind, and the wind is always blowing at the Wall. Come.” — ADWD, Jon VIII

“Words are wind.” They are no better than me. We’re just the same. “You killed the others, why not him? Yellow Dick—” — ADWD, Theon I

The words seemed to give the girl some comfort. Words are wind, though, Ser Barristan thought. How can I protect the queen when I am not with her? — ADWD, The Queensguard

His years in the Kingsguard had taught him the trick of listening without hearing, especially useful when the speaker was intent on proving that words were truly wind. — ADWD, The Discarded Knight

Cersei walked on. I am blind and deaf, and they are worms, she told herself. “Shame, shame,” the septas sang. “Chestnuts, hot roast chestnuts,” a peddler cried. “Queen Cunt,” a drunkard pronounced solemnly from a balcony above, lifting his cup to her in a mocking toast. “All hail the royal teats!” Words are wind, Cersei thought. Words cannot harm me .… Words are wind, she thought, words cannot hurt me. — ADWD, Cersei II

A steady drip-drip-drip punctuated his words, as snowmelt ran off his cloak to puddle on the floor. The snow had been falling on King’s Landing most of the night; outside the drifts were ankle deep. Ser Kevan Lannister pulled his cloak about himself more closely. “So you say, ser. Words are wind.” — ADWD, Epilogue

[pepprs]

ok yeah hi. it is very inappropriate for me to do this publicly when it is such personal whatever information. but i need other ppl (esp other jewish ppl) to know what im thinking and like. give me permission to act on it or whatever (cringe) and since i don’t have a new therapist yet im substituting my mutuals for one lol. so here’s this. tw for like… religion and me asking questions that have implications for all religion / culture in general and things like that. and also food. also not that i think anyone who follows me would do this but this post is not an invitation to proselytize to me or convert me to a different religion etc etc. ok here we go. this post is called: i am probably the wicked son and i am going to hell for it (not that jews believe in hell i don’t think but whatever). discuss ♥️

ok so here’s the deal. passover starts on wednesday. my family is not really that observant. we don’t do a Haggadah or a Seder or anything like that we literally just have my grandpa over for 2 nights of completely non traditional dinner where the only religious aspect is us saying a generic hebrew prayer for Passover at the beginning where we don’t even know what the words mean and then we just have normal conversation and don’t eat leavened stuff or most grains for a week. we don’t even eat matzah or any of the other passover foods you’re supposed to eat.

(here’s the part where i feel like even in asking the question im inviting god to smite me with a lightning bolt LOL) so i erm.. really do not want to not eat leavened stuff for a week. literally just because i eat leavened stuff sooo much and so much of what i eat is bread and it keeps me reliably full and i get hungry so fast and im hungry all the time. but it’s like.. im not special for that. im not unique in getting hungry fast or in relying on bread. (to my knowledge) im not ill or suffering in any way that makes me unable to observe the dietary requirements of this holiday. and in fact i probably eat too much bread than is actually healthy for me. but im just depressed out of my mind and need to make sure im eating things that keep me full and not letting myself be hungry. and i just really don’t want to not eat bread.

but the thing is i know not doing that is like one of the biggest… i don’t want to say sins but sins. that you could possibly do. like i just looked it up and the punishment is called “kareth” which is basically “the extinction of the soul” 💀 which ties Rigjt into my anxiety / guilt / whatever about making my own life and choices different from my mom’s and how the way she gets angry at me for doing something different than her makes me experience ultimate cosmic primal rejection / abandonment LMAO. but like my connection to judaism is already basically nonexistent bc we basically don’t do any of the holidays except rosh hashanah / yom kippur / passover / hannukah and what we do observe is so non traditional and secular that it basically doesn’t even count. and also i don’t “look” jewish and don’t have a “jewish last name” or whatever. and i know this is like complicated / bad in some ways to admit but i don’t feel any connection to my ancestors who made their exodus out of egypt or whatever (and who also probably were fullest having eaten bread and didn’t have the privilege of choosing whether they wanted to lol). and most of the jewish ppl in my life are either completely non observant or only casually observant and it’s more of a cultural / traditional thing than a religious thing. and i don’t rly feel a sense of community w other jews though ive fluctuated w that from time to time but i especially don’t rn bc of the situation with isr*el and p/alestine and how most of the observant jewish ppl i know are z*onists. the only thing that’s keeping me observing the holidays is obligation and precedent because that’s always how my family has done it.. and also i find meaning and whatever in rosh hashanah and yom kippur and hannukah. but i actually don’t at all for Passover. it’s always been my least favorite holiday which is ironic bc it was my parsha when i was bat mitzvahed. i feel disconnected to it probably because we never did seders and stff. and i don’t feel like i owe my ancestors anything for escaping egypt (girls who are the wicked son <3) but if i did i don’t see why we reenact the suffering we experienced instead of… celebrating that we are not suffering anymore! and eating a lot of the things we couldn’t eat while we were! and living our lives to the fullest! like why is it not a holiday about joy and gratitude instead of plunging ourselves back into reenacting suffering. says the girl who projects all the time and makes herself miserable every day LMAO but like.. idk. it’s making me so mad.

and the thing is i don’t even… like idk. the whole wicked son thing fucks me up so bad and strikes a nerve bc why are you labeled wicked / disrespectful / whatever for questioning precedent and figuring out how you want to make meaning in your life. like throwback to my mom getting fucking PISSED at me when i came home for passover last yr (i think it was passover or another jewish holiday) and said i was trying to figure out why im vegan and she took that as such a personal offense bc she couldn’t believe that i would question something she engrained in me.. idk. it was so fucked up. i feel like conflating god / my judaism and my mom / my veganism is not a good idea and is suggesting blasphemy but idk. im gonna be honest actually. i don’t know if i believe in god or if my questioning that makes me agnostic and not jewish. if i do believe in god it’s spinoza’s god who (according to this fb post i read in 2020 that has stuck with me ever since) says that basically god is the universe and… like it’s LITERALLY the end poem from minecraft it’s like you don’t have to be afraid of me or spend your days doing rituals to honor me just because that’s the precedent. make your own rituals. you will find me in no book or temple or whatever if you can’t find me in the precious moments of life like a sunset or joy or someone’s eyes. like you should just be who you are and not be afraid and indulge in the human experience and that is how you thank me and you don’t have to repent for anything because why would i make humans who make mistakes by nature and then punish them for doing that. and idk. that speaks to me so much. that’s what i hope so badly that god is. that’s why i hope so badly that me having questions and doubts about this stuff and figuring out how to connect to / honor my ancestors and culture and whatever in a meaningful way (and if i actually want to) is not going to invoke cosmic punishment of some kind because i am a human being and im allowed to have questions about things like this and to do things my own way that feels right for me given the circumstances and it’s okay to want to live (and to try to build) a life where as many rituals and sacrifices and burdens as possible are ones i choose and accept and consent to and am lucid about. especially when most of those burdens and stuff that ive experienced so far are things i have not gotten to choose at great mental and emotional cost. right? i want it to be that way so badly. i think if that was god then god wouldn’t want me to not eat brwad for 8 days just because that’s what the precedent is about how to honor the pain my ancestors suffered. god would want me to make my own tradition and if it was one of joy and gratitude for my ancestors and indulgence and exploring what being jewish means to me i think that would be okay with god. like LOL. but also am i just making excuses for not eating bread for a week and playing god or whatever and in doing so hopping and skipping and jumping to my doom in the form of kareth. do you see what i mean

but anyways yeah. this is really more of a thing for when im at work (which makes it even LESS of a big deal like im only there for 9-10 hours a day or whatever) bc if i didn’t do passover at home my mom would kill me so im leaving that aspect of it alone for now. but Omg im at a point in my life where doing things i do not get to choose is painful and im on the verge of a breakdown every day and the thought of having my diet disrupted for a week and being hungrier than usual when everything else in my life feels like it’s falling apart and i know how much being even slightly hungry impacts my mental health is making me lose my shit! like it’s just one too many things. but again im not special in that and i could do it if i had to. but do i have to if i don’t want to. what should i do.

[tuxedokit]

can you explain the Be More Psychic AU?

ill try my best !!! its, uh. its snowballed a lot from what it was, so here we go

be more chill SQUIPS, but psychonauts. more detailed under cut

at some point in the distant past, otto invented these things called PSI-SQUIPS, cause everything has a psi-prefix and leeping the SQUIP name makes it recognizeable. essentially, theyre similar to astralathes, in that theyre psychic devices to help you alter parts of yourself. though these are more "personal trainers" in that respect, rather than directly altering things, they implant in your mind and guide and direct you. still, not necessarily safe, and the idea was eventually abandoned. not before they were stocked in the otto-matic, hidden beneath layers of security and a high price. the notes for how to access them were lost amongst the notes in an old lab

cut to sometime during psychonauts 2. gisu, otto's mentee, is tasked with cleaning one of his old labs. while cleaning it, she finds these notes. she decides to investigate at some point, for science. at some point she activates one, using it on herself. it seems to be helpful, so maybe she tells morris about it. it couldnt hurt, right? i mean, this thing has really helped her with her focus.

flash forward post psychonauts 2. its been a couple months, the aquatos have been staying in the QA for a while, and things have settled into a new normal. a couple of the interns have been acting a little weird, but its probably nothing, right? i mean, trauma. thats probably it. dion hasnt apologized to raz for her shitty treatment of him, and generally has been going through it. it may have been a month or two or more, but the revelations are still hitting hard, and everyones recovering slowly. dion wants nothing more than to be a better sibling, better child, but... they dont know how.

and norma's been acting awfully sweet. dions met her a couple times before, and she was usually so... bitter. but now, sickeningly sweet. lizzie says shes been a better sister recently... dion is desperate. she wants to know how norma did it.

the PSI-SQUIP spreads.

dion asks it to help her be a better sister, brother, daughter, son. it instructs her. "cause no problems. listen to your parents, dont bother them, dont defy them. apologize to raz." "how? ive been so awful... where do i begin?"

gisu is seeing the effect its having on her friends all around her. oh god, this is getting out of hand. she asks her PSI-SQUIP, the leader, how to stop it. silly gisu. you cant.

in the meantime, siblings can tell something is off. dion is acting... wrong. they were already a bit of a "yes man" for mom and dad, but now... its. its hard to explain. somethings... somethings wrong. something is wrong. dion has a conversation with frazie at some point, about how "i have this thing that could help you feel better!" "about what?" "anything!" ...frazies not buyin it. she politely declines. okay, whatever. if frazie doesnt want her big brothers advice, too bad. its time to say youre sorry. time to find raz

it turns out, norma had already issued an apology of her own. dion is fed the script, an apology raz finds... eerily familiar. raz approaches the senior agents with his concerns. they say theyll help, but seem... dismissive. he also tells lili about his worries, and the two decide to investigate together.

raz and lili go to otto, gisu, anyone who isnt infected with... whatever this is. they start trying to find a solution

hollis is planning something. an event, of sorts? who knows the specifics, its not important. probably

dion, meanwhile, feels as though she screwed up worse somehow. following a script? really? the PSI-SQUIP is condescending, try again then it says. yeah. no. dion is tasked with talking to augustus. (a valid host)

gisu tries to resist. this has gone too far. poor gisu. it has only just begun

raz, lili, and their little resistance have a plan. otto will activate a PSI-SQUIP, take it down from the inside. it doesnt work, theyve evolved. the PSI-SQUIPS have become more than what otto made. stronger. malicious. a forgotten entity, left to rot. growing a mind of its own, a will of its own, a plan. they wind up having to enter ottos mind to fight it. they find they need to stop it at the source. the host. the leader.

days of resistance and torture build up and boil over for gisu. she breaks. the whole motherlobe shorts out, along with her PSI-SQUIP.

something changes in dion. just a bit. (the leader has decided on its host. gisu trusted dion. dion was regarded as incredibly competent.)

hollis' event is approaching. gisu stumbles into the lab of the resistance, frazzled. she knows whos infected and who isnt. she knows hollis is compromised. they assume hollis is the new host. they prepare.

it wants to spread. augustus declines. hes left wondering what the hell is going on with his kid.

dion tries to resist it. zap zap. now knowing this thing is capable of harm, dion makes an agreement. "dont fuck with my family and were cool." cool.

[crossover-enthusiast]

Log date: 08/05/19xx

We managed to find a cache of letters in an abandoned hideout of the church of the broken god. All of them from the same source. From the look of the letters theyre quite old. Theyre all from the same origin too. Some place called [REDACTED] biotech, the place closed ages ago. Anyways. The contents of the letters were...deeply concerning.

Dear [REDACTED]

Its dr [REDACTED], please help me. Well, please help my son. Hes been acting strangely after an incident at the lab which i prefer not to go into detail, lets just say that some [REDACTED] got out into the lab and it must have gotten into contact with him because hes fallen ill. His breathing is laboured and he looks pale and sickly. Im worried. Hes been relentlessly scratching at his neck and arms too and its causing him to sustain terrible wounds. Do you know how to help?

Regards, Dr [REDACTED]

Dear [REDACTED]

Its dr [REDACTED] again. I need help. Its my son, he collapsed today and i believe hes fallen into a coma. We're not sure what happened exactly he just, dropped to the floor unconscious and he hasnt woken up. Hes developed a horrible fever too. I believe your technology can help him. Please.

Regards, dr [REDACTED]

Dear [REDACTED]

thank you for your kind remarks, i am afraid that i bear bad news. I believe my son is brain dead. It all happened so quickly it still feels like he was showing me his progress in one of his video games. We are going to try and bring him back to life, but i fear that it will not work.

Regards, dr [REDACTED]

Dear [REDACTED]

The device you sent us has been a life saver. We did a brain scan on him and his neural activity is functioning once again. Although ive noticed that he seems to be developing odd square shaped marks on his face, and his skin is turning an odd pinkish grey color. Its probably just a side effect of your wonder machine, but its a side effect that i am willing to bear. Thank you

Regards, dr [REDACTED]

These letters are deeply concerning, and i believe they may be connected to a yet unknown anomaly. We will investigate further

Signed, Bennett

Log date: 15/08/19xx

We have been contacted about a possible anomaly. Male, 14 to 15 years of age, pinkish grey skin with black square shaped marking on him. He appears to be levitating and has been sighted around [REDACTED] mall, Minnesota. It was noted that there was an oddly colored, glitchy radius around him. This could possibly be a reality bending anomaly. Anomaly does not seem hostile so far but since it was just discovered we dont know for sure.

Signed, Bennett

Ooooo

[allhailbrokeloose]

so youve watched another bl and you need the world to learn about it

so yeah i watched ifylita and i need to talk about it so.. hello again tumblr? youve changed.. not for the best as always.. the cut is for SPOILERS. so the series is..

okay ig? its watchable which is already an achievement for a bl. but boy is it unnecessary long, it feels like they forcefully tried to make it longer, the perfect episode length would be 30-40 min, definitely Not an hour+.

the plot is interesting, the actors are ok, even tho i had to get used to the one assigned bottom and his acting choices, but he grown on me towards the end of the series lol (and research has shown he has killer abs btw). assigned top is imo super attractive, so zero questions to lead actors, they both are smart cookies and sunk the ship even before it had the chance to sail, everyone else in the industry should just watch and learn.

ive read somewhere (it was tw*tter ofc where else duh) that its hotter than kp. i mean.. as much as im ready to jump kp every given chance, the comparison here is improper. clearly they wasnt trying to make anything even remotely like kp, i actually think they tried to make an anti-kp, which i think is good as people shouldn't be given those nasty plots bc apparently they can't be normal about it. in short no, its not hotter than kp and imo its more in the cute/warm/comfortable department than anything else.

other things i liked about it:

head of the family whose 1) daughter is a lesbian who is going to a*ort his fav evil son-in-law's child and runaway with a super cute female servant to have a career in politics 2) son is gay and going to France without asking him 3) wife Suddenly remembered she's a human being and can talk with her mouth. everything is in 1928 mind. you cant help but feel some sympathy for the devil lol

two beautiful wives of a scum character ganging up on him we cheered

bad guys getting their karma, yes please we lack it irl

a character who you'd expect to try and ruin main cp's happiness actually helping them

characters' relationships in different timelines

plumeria. btw thanks for letting me know its poisonous, i always wanted to munch on it

the last episode i cried like a bitch which came as a surprise to me bc i felt almost nothing towards the main characters throughout the series, idk could be bc i was drunk watching it lol

things that could have been improved: episode length111, ost, opening credits design ofc or it wouldn't be a bl, the way assigned top character was more than willing to abandon the Love of His Life bc yk 🌟Studying🌟

my verdict: totally worth watching, But only if you are patient enough to stand artificially extended screen time bc sometimes its unbearable, i was gonna drop it about three times and its only 12 episodes, but im glad that i didnt, it has something.. lingering.. yk

[lildepressmews]

I went somewhere with my children and partner, we went away giving them memories i cant remember, as we pulled in it crushed my soul, my daughter yelling mummy dont leave me made it a million times worse, i smoked a cigarette looking out at murky uk seas replaying everything. i try my best every single day so my children dont see me vulnerable about places and phases, we got them dressed and into the pool, crushing me in memories i didnt ask for, id forgotten. My nonverbal son started to shout his dad, my daughter smiling, i looked back i rewrote the past. I replaced all my birthmothers shit with love for the tiny humans i made, the tiny humans i love endlessly and i cant ever imagine leaving them, i dont know what hurts the most, the fact i had PTSD taking my children or knowing the love of having children and you didn’t give a shit enough to love me how i love them. I think about being a mother to my sister taking the abuse of your partner only for her to do it to her when she was older anyway, its bad that as siblings when i had a mental break down we bonded over trauma caused by you. I thought i failed my children, i thought they hated me, they dont its just me i hate you i cant rewrite the hate, the scars the sickening feeling when i find out your close, close enough you could run into us and look at what you dont deserve to see, you emotionally blackmailed me when i was pregnant with her, stalking behaviour your new partner getting a job where i worked, i warned her to protect her children from you because you’ll get bored she tutted and walked away, shes not laughing anymore because its 6 kids youve now walked away from. I walk with my head high hiding all the hurt, the ptsd when people remember childhood memories when mine are all nightmares until i was 14, i felt so bad none knew until i was 21 when someone told me i thought i was better than anyone else, no i was guarded none could know my weakness i fucking broke, you fucking broke me, every birthday for my child every event, every single fucking thing i will be there because ill never be you. I have paranoia of failing, i have fear of never being good enough then my 3 year old nonverbal autistic child hugs me out of the blue, my 5 year old tells me mummy ive had the best day ever, thats what being a mother is. YOU DONT ABANDON YOUR KIDS!!!

You do not let someone kill them internally

You do not blackmail your children

You do not leave them to fend for themsleves at 10

You do not state sexuality and invite me to a club

You do not make me a mother at 11 so when i meet my partner his ex girlfriend tells him what a fucking weirdo i was and i have to explain the heartbreaking reality that i was being a fucking mother instead of concentrating on myself and my looks, he had to put her right about the abuse and trauma i was going through at that time

You do not get the right to tell me you deserve to be part of their lives when all you did was fuck mine.

Im 28 now, im still healing, dont you realise your toxic you still invade and rule my life so i dont become you