#i feel sick to my stomach right now fuck
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if you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, wondering why no one's commented on your hiatus status(es), i'll help you figure out why
you're behaving like a selfish, entitled bitch. you're throwing a pity-me-party while you accuse people of favoritism in the same breath. like, no wonder your ~CoMmUniTy~ won't feel sorry for you, or interact with your bad artwork or your other uninspired bullshit when you bitchfit that no one's sharing your shit: no one wants to interact with that melodrama. there's better writers out there that don't cry about interaction bullshit.
you need to grow the fuck up, and maybe do people all a favor by not coming back.
Wow... thank you for sending me this present shortly before Christmas (Dec. 20th, to be exact). Real lovely stuff.
So listen while I break this down by section and say things later on that I don't mean:
If you're going to call me an 'entitled bitch' or criticize my content, you should really take ownership of your words like a grown-up first. You're welcome to those opinions, I suppose; but it means NOTHING when you send me this from a position of cowardice. If your goal was to hurt my feelings and upset me, I would only award you with partial congratulations, if that.
I'll concede it was a bit of a "bitchfit" if it makes you happy, because yes, it kind of was. I'll take ownership of that: I should have been better, and I wasn't. I should have been a lot calmer, and I wasn't.
Maybe then more people would have given a damn about me and what I had to say. Or maybe they wouldn't. I don't know anymore, quite frankly. I can't say I ever did.
Your point about "better writers out there [who] don't cry about interaction bullshit" is wrong, by the way. I can think of several fan writers (and I'm not going to compare content quality because that's gross) either on my dashboard or in fandom tags (many with larger followings + outreach than me) who've complained about lowered interaction these days at one time or another.
Or several times, even. It was largely and perfectly fine when they spoke up about it. Weird to me, anon, how it's okay when these unnamed and so-called "better writers" speak up, but not the little guys.
Some people are a little too comfortable telling those with smaller followings/outreach to just suck it up because interaction has been bad for everyone lately. Or placate themselves with excuses for why they didn't offer any sympathy to people who admit to struggling with feeling like belonging, or those wishing they felt more included. Noticed. Remembered. (Whatever the case may be.)
I mean I've seen who repeatedly makes the cut on these stale recommendation lists that float around… Your 'pool of so many talented writers/artists in this fandom' is more of a damn puddle. You'll have to fucking forgive me for just wishing to be remembered (for one or the other) and included in these little "~fandom enrichment activities~" at this point once in a damn while! Why's it such a fucking crime to you, anon, that I just want people to remember I'm here too?
I spoke my feelings about things feeling like a popularity contest rather than a true community back in December, and you thought that warrants calling me a selfish, entitled bitch? Telling me do people a favor and not come back?
What the fuck??????
I think you're something of a rancid tar pit for hoping to kick someone while they were down, or whatever it was you intended by all that. Did you get the warm and fuzzies typing this out? Did you feel good about yourself for choosing to be malicious to someone going through a hard time? Someone admitted they were going through a hard time between Seasonal Affective Disorder, and being upset about a lot of trivial stuff, and you thought "Hey; let's pile on!" was the correct solution rather than offer any kindness where you had witnessed a lack of?
It would be so tempting to stoop to your level and wish you nothing but ill on top of telling you to do me a favor and fuck off; I'm going to encourage you to learn to have a little more compassion for people instead and be a better person than whatever you are now going forward. May you learn to be kinder to people in the future, anon… You make the world a far better place that way.
#bad anon no biscuit#lesson for next time is to just ghost the blog for a month since no one's going to notice or care I guess. only tell you to leave#that's only partial sarcasm#a couple of people showed they cared or said nice things before the holidays. and to that short list of people I just want to say thank you#otherwise my activity page was very quiet#and some other things happened that reinforced my decision to not really want to participate with this space for the time being#simple fact there's someone out there who's too comfortable with being nasty to people and telling you to fuck off...#fuck man!!!! it's been a long time since crying over some damn anon hate but this was too much for me#''help you figure out why'' no you're not being helpful you're actually just being a prick for no good reason!#im done im so fucking tired i don't want to look at this fucking ask anymore#i feel sick to my stomach right now fuck
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you know what really pisses me off? so many people acting like he is the worst person out there and no one will miss him. A LOT of people are grieving now and missing him including people that these people supposedly follow and care about. liam was not the supervillain people wanted him to be. he was messed up and did messed up things likely because of what happened to him. this conversation deserves so much more nuance than people are giving it. and maybe it’s too early to have this conversation now but it’s helping me process and grieve so i’m really writing this for me. people are complex and doing bad things doesn’t make you a bad person or someone worthy of death without being given the chance to make things right. and another thing, it is SO hypocritical to make fun of him and look down on him like he’s the ultimate Bad Guy meanwhile i bet every single person you have ever admired in the spotlight has likely also done bad things or at least things you wouldn’t be proud of. fame is an illness and it can cause people to harm others because they were hurt themselves. human beings are a culmination of everything that they’ve been through and everything they’ve done. he is not only the bad things he’s done and it’s okay and normal to grieve him as a whole person, because he was one.
#i’m glad most people are asleep right now so i could write this#i’m just so fed up with all the jokes on his behalf#people are IN PAIN. i’m sick to my stomach#liam wasn’t evil. he was messed up clearly otherwise he wouldn’t have been so intoxicated#man’s it drives me to insanity that these people who ‘stan’ an artist any artist could be so hypocritical right now#you don’t KNOW these people. they are famous and fame is an illness#it fucks up your brain and makes you do shitty things and act in ways people and yourself dont even recognize#EVERY celebrity has done something shitty in their lives and will continue to do so because that’s the price of admission#yes it was serious what he has done and that shouldn’t be swept under the rug but people are more than their worst moments#i feel so sick and dizzy over this. seeing all this shit about him everywhere is making me ill. i wish it would stop#i also feel for maya. this post isn’t to erase her trauma and experience at all. she has every right to speak her truth.#just have more compassion for people on all sides for christ’s sake#where is the humanity#grief#death tw#lp
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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any other americans just shriveling up inside at the thought of the future (their personal or otherwise)?
#i know this is small fucking potatoes compared to what so many people are going to#and how that fucker will affect the rest of the wirld#*world#thoughts of all of that makes me sick to my stomach#but take out the fact that im gay and a woman and etc.... take all that out#i want to write LGBT characters and horror novels and liberal themes and my planned career is BOOKS#and project 2025 might fuck with that too#it minimizes every single part of my life or destroys it completely#and im one of the LUCKY ONEA#*ones#this feels so destructive and ill be one of the least affected bc im white and cis#and just idk what to do#i keep thinking about leaving the country and i might but part of me just doesnt want to leave#im prob autistic i hate change and i don't fucking want to leave north carolina#i love the land so much i will miss it forever if i leave#anyways if anyone is hurting and wants to talk hmu#i feel like im gonna implode any time i think about it and im very lucky in a lot of regards so my heart goes out to all of you#the world is such a mess right now my heart hurts for all the pain and suffering out there
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oh. .. .....
#mild spoiler under here but spoiler nonetheless#just know im SICK to my stomach right now over this to be doing this while mobilizing... sick and twisted#every time they have to be apart im distraught#imagine how they fucking feel im just a random fucking third party#god ... i could push through ....... and finish it......#but idk if im strong enough at present#my dumbass
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#i have never been more disappointed in this fucking country than i am right now#we have failed women / poc / the lgbt community / immigrants and so many more marginalized groups and war-ridden countries#i genuinely feel so fucking sick to my stomach right now#disregarding her policies for a second: are people that intimidated by a BLACK WOMAN that they don’t want her becoming president?#that they would rather choose the incompetent old fart that did jack shit for them back in 2016 to literally dictate this country? AGAIN???#how could ANYONE vote for a convicted fucking felon and rapist? you’re literally excusing that behavior by voting for that pos#and lest i mention that when (not if) that pos dies in office then we’ll be stuck with the couch fucker#and god knows how much WORSE shit will be under his power#i can’t speak for most of the marginalized groups being targeted with this upcoming presidency but#as a woman i do not feel safe nor do i think i will ever feel safe again#and there’s no doubt that every other targeted group is equally as terrified for their safety and livelihood#we are going backwards now. all the big changes we made as a country are going to revert. millions of people are going to lose their rights#we are literally watching the death of democracy unfold right before our very fucking eyes#i am beyond disgusted and disappointed#can’t say i was expecting this shitfest of a country to do better but god fucking dammit i was hoping it would#the inherent racism and misogyny of it all shouldn’t surprise me as much as it is#rant over. i’m taking a break. feel free to dm me though. i might respond
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i ate a lot today, not as much as other days, but still im disappointed with myself and starting to feel sick. why cant i be good at restriction? god this makes me wanna sh so fucking bad
#tw s3lf harm#i dont even feel sick from eating too much like usual#its like the feeling of food in my stomach is making my throat feel tight and its activating my gag reflex a bit so i feel like im gonna tu#tw 3d shit#tw 3d vent#3d ana#not exactly pro a*a but not anti either.. :/#i want to post more in this community and get mutuals and get help with navigating this whole thing but im scared cause ive seen#so many people have their whole accounts deleted and i think i would actually kms if that happened since ive had my main for like 8 years#and to be clear im very pro recovery#which i know i know conflicts with the whole wanting mutuals to *help* me with an ed and not help me to *not* have an ed#i think everyone deserves to recover and i hope i do but right now is just not fucking it for me#so for not its a whole lotta#male thinpo#slef harm#right and i definitely cant talk about being b p d uncensored or ill get reported cause the b*d community is super toxic but in the way that#slef harm and scars are chillin but eds are actually a real struggle™️ and you should have it in secret like everyone else#not to generalize all pw b*pd obviously many and probably most arent like this#but tumblr is a very concentrated dose of that kinda person and its sad for us pw b*pd that are both kinds of toxic LMAO#i joke of course#anyway yeah pro recovery for sure but not currently in recovery#ana moots#body chex#someone who could help with that maybe idk im also kinda shy so maybe just someone to help me with restrictions and staying accountable#at least for now#also if you sh all the better cause i will wanna talk about that too#also to clarify my earlier statement 'not pro a*a' means i dont think and 3d is a lifestyle and i recognize that im sick#but 'not exactly anti' means im not going to avoid these communities or report people in them for being pro#because thats about as effective as throwing out an addicts stash or hiding sharp objects from a chronic sh'r- theyll still find a way#and probably way easier and faster than you think and theyll feel even more alienated and less inclined to seek help
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Mike johnson has so god damn much blood on his hands, obviously Ukrainian blood, but also plenty of American blood
Refusing to renew something that helps vets exposed to atomic blast and Americans who were downwind of the fall out... it's just sick. I can't fucking stand mike johnson, he's one of the worst scum to ever be in congress, and that's fucking saying something
"Johnson refused to allow House members to vote on bipartisan legislation to renew and improve the program"
Fucking quivering little pimple seems to have a real MO for just wringing his hands while insisting it's not his fault, he just can't do the one fucking part of his job of putting shit up to a vote... oh boo hoo, so sad, he'll just have to unilaterally let funding expire on things instead of literally just putting it up to our elected representatives to see if they want to vote yay or nay
Single handedly make the choices but it's not his fault when they work out how they do
Murderer
#I'm sorry; I both genuinely hate the man and will never forgive him; so seeing this just adds more fuel to that fire#and I'm also genuinely pissed to hear that we aren't gonna be bothering to fucking help out people we fucked over#it's fucking sick#listen; I try not to talk politics too much and I try not to tell people how to vote cause it's not really my business#and cause I don't like arguing with people on tumblr; waste of my time#but for all the dems many many many many many fucking flaws; it's shit like this that makes me hate the gop#every last line about sticking up for rural or poor people or whatever is such a fucking lie#god bless our troops... unless it would cost money to compensate them for making them stand near atomic detonations#at every turn I see fucking simple easy decent bipartisan policy shot down but fuckers like johnson; who is the gop at this point#fuck em; can't stand em#go fucking vote if you can in whatever country you're in; try and get a mail in ballot for your sake#I'm still not gonna tell you how to vote but uh... maybe keep in mind when someone's hands are fucking caked in blood#and keep in mind what kind of company people keep in their political party#fucking murder#cause inaction is murder as sure as if he stood their and kept them from getting treatment directly#removing the funding to let these people get cancers and stuff operated on#it's the same as murder#and again; that's not even going back to him personally; like literally it was just him and him alone#holding up aid to Ukraine for months because he refused to put it to the floor#where... oh look... once it was put to the floor it passed just fine (with a fucking tiktok ban added)#(hate that site but I hate government overreach with this kinda shit more)#one of the few people in this world I think I actually truly hate#I'm never gonna fucking stomach the 'he was so brave for holding a vote' shit lie#bullshit; if he had a spine or a soul he would have brought Ukraine aid to the floor before funding ran out#just like if he had a spine or a soul he'd have brought this radiation victim funding to the floor before it ran out#almost like there's a fucking pattern here of him squirming like a pus filled pimple simpering about how he just can't do his job#can't do the one fucking thing he's supposed to do and bring shit to the floor for a vote#I have more opinions on him; but if I said how I really feel right now I think it would get me put on a list#and... sadly just cause of who I am; if I were in a room alone with him I think I'd just lay into him instead of beating his ass#but he's a fucking monster and reading this story just now... I'm almost seeing red with how much it's pissing me off
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#this is a vent so don't read the tags if you dont want to#im really like. scared i guess is the right word#not going to try and make this about myself at all the problem im having is i literally dont know who I'm meant to vote for this year#unfortunately i know my dad and hes a vote blue no matter who kind of guy and i just can't#i cant vote for fucking biden this year not after hes been funding and backing a genocide#and its been like#genuinely hard#whst do i do? who do i vote for if it comes down between fucking. trump or biden#i know if i dont vote trump will win but if i do vote i bring someone complicit in aiding Isreal in an ethnic cleansing#thats terrifying#why did i have to have my first election where im able to vote the fucking Mussolini v Stalin#i hate this i hate the world because then every post rn is about project 2025 and how if i dont vote biden im basically voting for trump#i just dont know what to do. it makes me feel fucking sick to my stomach#fuck everything in the world right now#we're so cooked#vent#scringee mouth
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#seraph speaks#k word use#everything going on rn is just. awful. my dash makes me sick to my stomach on a regular basis.#but i feel such immense shame at the very idea of blocking The Words even if it's for my own well-being#because then i'll be One Of The Bad Jews or whatever#honestly this site feels really really hostile again#it hasn't felt that way since i was sent graphic gore and death threats during one of the nazi raids years and years ago#and the worst part is that this unsafe feeling is coming from ppl who i generally quite like and even trust.#to make it even worse i KNOW ppl will deride and mock me for the very fact that i (a filthy fucking jew) feel terrified and unsafe rn#because ~i'm not the one being actively bombed right now~#i've already seen it happening.#and i just. am so tired.#as if this is a fucking competition? obvs i'm not saying i have it worse than palestinians#but honestly if you have the time to mock jews for being afraid rn#bc antisemitism ALWAYS spikes when israel's in the news for crimes (bc gentiles think all of world jewry is responsible for those crimes)#it's already been bad. it's going to get worse.#and if you come into my asks or my replies or w/e about this and get combative#genuinely just call me a fucking kike so i can block you#i just assume that if you have the time to bitch at random jews for the gall to be afraid rn that you aren't someone currently in a warzone#i feel like they have more important things to worry about than harassing jews on tumblr dot com.#anyways sorry for the [gestures] this#im not going to say anything else. will likely block certain words eventually as well. i'm just so exhausted and upset.#it's been all i can think abt.
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Oh god oh fuck
#I thought I had come to terms with this and neutralized the feelings I have for her so that I can just be normal about it all#but my feelings are very much not platonic right now#and I could go on living without her as a lover but I would not be able to cope if I didn’t have her as a friend#that’s what’s holding me back#every time I think ‘what if I just tell her what if I just ask her out’#that’s it#if I said something and changed things our friendship would never be the same after and that might kill me#sick to my stomach over this!!!!#also seems to be part of the pattern of the mood swings I’ve noticed recently#really thinking about asking for a referral to a psychiatrist to see if I might benefit from a mood stabilizer#because nothing external has really changed but i suddenly feel so out of control of my own emotions#it’s fucking scary#I don’t trust my brain one bit that bitch is shady
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You’d think that with all this bike riding and lifting children off the floor that I’d be even more hungry, but no; I have the appetite of a little tiny bird???? The fuck
I don’t like it
#Maybe the bike riding is jostling my stomach too much… if my stomach is jostled I don’t want to eat#Or it could be the ADHD meds#idfk at this point#like yeah technically I’m hungry and know I need food but I don’t feel like eating. I’d just rather not. It’s weird#because I used to be the opposite: I wasn’t really hungry but I’d just keep eating until I got sick#eating mention#appetite mention#Maybe I’ve just been eating too much all my life.#Because the only two times I’ve had serious nausea or gas pains was after I ate the amount of food I used to eat#And it’s not like I’ve lost any energy; if anything I’ve gained some energy#(not right now because I stayed up until 12:30 AM after riding and walking 9.3 miles total— on my feet all day long)#I used to eat a LOT; like a 6’5” 400 pound lumberjack or something#uh Paul Bunyan type portions… like a big BIG man#of course I’m 5’4” with kind of a slight build so that was always very weird to me that I was able to do that#How I am now makes more sense; but at the same time I don’t like being like this at all#Because I’ll inevitably go from “slight” to “sickly” and I would really like to continue fitting into my pants#because pants are expensive and it’s extremely hard to find ones that are of good quality and feel comfortable#food discussion#food tw#weight mention#Here I am telling the kids “You need to eat! Take a bite!” and then I get home and act like a total fucking hypocrite#Maybe it’s burnout
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i feel like vomiting.
#i hate men. why do they play with me like this#i did the right things this time#so why am i stuck here alone and stood up again#for the SECOND TIME#like what the fuck#we were gonna make cake pops together and now i’m sitting in my dining room alone like a fucking loser cause i burnt my fucking cake waitin#g for him#am i also on my period? maybe.#fuck tho man like#ugh#god#i feel sick to my stomach#like actual gut clenching#i fucking wish i never met him he’s so amazing until shit like this#he’s so perfect for me but he gets so distant outta nowhere#which he literally cant help#but don’t tell me you’re literally on your fucking way then ditch me to sit alone crying again#idk maybe i’m just crazy#hormones. amiright??#[delete delete delete]
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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Haha, no dude, it's uuuuuuuh, totally normal to treat people's personal creations like a corporate franchise, nah nah, it's not even a little weird that the only way you interact with fandom is by mindlessly consuming content and reposting other people's work, I'm sure it's totally fine to just disregard the creator's wishes as long as you get to have your 2 minutes of fun with "your" new blorbos before your criminally short attention span moves onto the next thing for you to mindlessly consume, yeah, haha, I'm sure framing the creator's struggle to keep control of their work as a threat to your future ability to continue to consume content isn't totally self-centered or tone-deaf. No yeah man, haha, totally normal
#Can you tell that I'm extremely mad at the state of things?#I don't know who all is following Clown's struggles with W/elcome H/ome#but I'm extremely upset on his behalf because so many people are treating his passion project so mindlessly#And like fuck man he's struggling with this new found popularity and so many people just rushed to see his work as a product to swallow up#And it's mind-numbingly horrible to me that so many people can't see Clown as a person#This isn't anything new there have always been these mindless content consumers in internet spaces#but damn it's so bad now because content consumption has just become so easy and people don't really interact with art like they used to#Like it's so disappointing for me to see how thoughtlessly people have disregarded Clown's rules about his work#Like fuck have y'all see how fast people made public merchandise of his work??? It makes me sick to my stomach#I was already following Clown's work before Welcome Home blew up and I really feel for him right now#Sorry for the whole post written in the tags lol
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dying again guys
(tag rant)
#bloodwork got back#i've got anemia#fucking hooray#anemia vitamin d deficiency and the weird cholesterol thing (not the bad one)#meanwhile im sick to my stomach in class and my body wants to throw up so badly#which is bad for me because im terrified of vomiting#and also I would get sent home and wouldnt be allowed to come back#which is NOT good#i need my schoolwork#i fucking hate being so sick all the damn time too#like my body geniunely just cannot handle anything#im so sick of being too sick to go to school and too sick to rehearse for theater and too sick to see my friends who are the people#that i love most dearly#im so sick of not being able to do regular stuff that other people can do because im so sick#im just sitting in class shaking right now after downing four pepto bismols that arent working either way#at least my eyes arent hurting now that i have glasses#small mercies i guess#it's just hard to stay positive rn but i'm trying! there will always be some good in the bad#no matter how fucking MASSIVE the bad is or gets#and maybe later today i'll be feeling well enough to smile#hug a friend#and remember that its okay that im sick; its not my fault that my body isn't wired properly#but its my responsibility to try as hard as i can and live <3#(sorry for the tag rant)
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