#i feel lmao idk unloved and like not in on everything and god being left out is the worst thing in the world

[rhttnlink-blog]

ooh boy im feeling ALOT right now

[fredshufflepuff]

Hii :)

Could I request a Marauders x Reader where the Marauders spent a lot of time without her and she feels like they don’t love her anymore or like they are just using her for sex.

But with a happy ending :)

Have a great day !!!

always love you || r.l x j.p x s.b ✧˖*°࿐

summary: the boys have been ignoring you for the past few days, making you wonder what you did wrong.

a/n: my first marauders imagine, IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE TURN IT UP

warnings: poly!relationship, fem!reader, pet names, little angst, mentions of sex BUT NO ACTUAL SEX, crying, lots of fluff, feeling sad??? man idk

word count: idk a lot of words. LMAO SORRY it’s 1,468

you sat at the gryffindor table with wondering eyes, trying to find where your boyfriends could be as you nibbled on a piece of toast.

they’d usually meet you at breakfast, remus being the first one up, followed by james and then some time later sirius.

but when they never came, your stomach dropped and your mood soured. this was the third time they’ve skipped out on breakfast, and you couldn’t help but think that maybe this was your fault.

the boys loved to eat, no matter how busy or stressed they were, they would always join you for a quick snack.

but not recently.

recently you’ve felt like they’ve been avoiding you.

it was a crazy and paranoid thought, but these past few days have just been proving your suspicion.

“james!” you called out, the speckled boy snapping his head towards you with wide eyes, he looked just like a dear in the headlights.

you made your way through the sea of students, pushing lightly past students to get to the boy.

“hi jamesie” you smiled once you finally got to him, your arms wrapping around his torso out of instinct.

“h-hi” he stutter out, your eyebrows knitting together at his voice change. james never stuttered, unless he was hiding something.

“what’s wrong?”

“i just, havetogo” he rushed out, your arms dropping from his waist as he spun on his heel and walked off.

now you really felt like shit. why was he so jumpy? why was he so nervous? especially around you.

you couldn’t help but think back to the last time you hung out with the boys, the three of them fucking you in a broom closet after classes.

your stomach seemed to sink, not flutter when you thought about your last interaction with them. usually you’d be flustered, a little giggly maybe, but you just felt disgusted.

did you do something wrong during that intimate moment? maybe you did something they didn’t like, or said something that turned them off.

oh my god, did you turn them off? were they no longer attracted to you? is that why james tensed up when you hugged him?

you hadn’t realized you were crying until you felt your face get wet, your hands quickly and aggressively wiping under your eyes.

you didn’t want to jump to conclusions, and decide right there and then that the boys didn’t love you anymore. but it was hard, hard to see anything other than that.

throughout the day you kept yourself busy, going to your dorm to eat and hiding in the library to do your work—not like anyone was looking for you anyways.

“i saw her go in just minutes ago!” sirius whisper shouted, the boys standing outside your door debating on what to do.

they saw you brush past them in the common room without saying a word, no kisses or hugs, no anything.

which was extremely unusual of you. you were always affectionate with them, asking them how their days were while cuddling them in bed, something the boys loved and always looked forward too.

“are you sure?” james asked, sirius thumping him up side the head with a scowl, “of course i am!”

“sirius! knock it off” remus scolded, your boys bickering back and forth with each other—only waking you from your nap.

“i’m going to go in, stay here and don’t kill each other.”

you quickly turned on your side and closed your eyes, pretending you were asleep to avoid any type of interaction.

the door creaked open slowly, making you cringe to yourself as footsteps entered the room.

“y/n? love, are you awake?” remus’s soft voice spoke, the door closing behind him as he made his way over to the bed.

“pup, i know when you’re sleeping” he said, the mattress dipping as a hand cupped the side of your face.

“i’m sleeping” you mumbled, sarcasm laced in your words as you turned to stuff your face in the pillow.

remus’s face twisted in confusion, surprised by your sudden attitude towards him. you never acted like that towards him. james? somethings if he got on your nerves but it was rare. sirius? all the time.

but you never dared to with remus. he was the more gentle and soft one of the three boys, always giving you the opportunity to explain yourself and tell him what’s going on.

“what’s the problem, pup? why the attitude?” he asked, not wanting his temper to get the best of him.

something was obviously bothering you, he needed to comfort you, not snap at you for the way you were talking to him.

“do you love me anymore?”

your voice was muffled by the pillow but remus could hear you clearly, his heart dropping as soon as those words had left your mouth.

“do i love you anymore?! of course i do, i’ve never stopped. what made you think i didn’t?”

his hand dropped to your arm, urging you to look at him. but when you did, his stomach dropped when he saw the tears clouding your glossy eyes.

“oh baby” he cooed, not wasting anytime in bringing you into a much needed hug, his warming embrace comforting you immediately, “don’t cry, darling. just tell me what’s been on that pretty little mind of yours, tell me how i can help.”

“you’ll think i’m stupid...” you mumbled, hiding your face in his chest as wet tears stained his school shirt.

“you aren’t stupid, puppy. and neither are your feelings” he assured, his large hand resting on the small of your back while the other stroked your hair, something that always calmed you.

“i just...i-i thought you fell out of love with me because you’ve been avoiding me. not intentionally i guess, but james was definitely odd with me, l-like he didn’t want to be around m-me” your voice cracked, the thought of your boys not loving you back clouding your thoughts.

remus sighed lowly after your mini rant, your heart clenching as you couldn’t help but look up at him.

“w-what?” you asked, really not wanting to know what he had to say, as you only feared for the worst.

“james wants to be around you, everyone does. but i told him to stay away” he said, your eyebrows knitting together as your mouth opened slightly, but remus had cut you off, “you know jamesie can’t keep a secret for the life of him.”

“mhm” you nodded, “b-but what secret?”

“our anniversary is coming up—me, padfoot and prongs wanted to surprise you with a nice, relaxing dinner in the astronomy tower. i just didn’t want james accidentally ruining the surprise—but, i guess i just did that, didn’t i?” remus laughed to himself, his explanation making your heart swell but break at the same time.

they were planning a dinner for you? you felt like shit, instead of letting them do their thing without question, you assumed the worst. you assumed they didn’t love you anymore and were only using you for one thing, sex.

“i’m sorry, remus” you whispered, his eyes widening as he quickly comforted you. “no, pup. you have no reason to be sorry.”

“b-but i-”

“did nothing wrong. you had every right to get upset, i should’ve taped prongs mouth shut instead of keep him away” he said, half joking as you giggled stiffly.

“so...you aren’t mad?” you asked, your boyfriend tucking a piece of lose hair behind your ear before kissing the tip of your nose.

“i could never be mad at you, pup. i love you so much.”

“i love you too, remus” you smiled, cuddling into his chest as he hugged you tightly.

“can we come in now?”

“almost forgot about those knuckle heads” remus mumbled, another giggle leaving your lips as your two boys entered the room.

“everything okay in here, pup?” james asked, a pout on his face when he noticed the tears stained into your cheeks.

“now it is” you smiled assuringly, ushering for him to join you along with sirius.

“although i think you look hot covered in tears, i don’t like you feeling unloved” sirius said, speaking up as he sat next to you, his hand column to on your back.

“i never said unloved...just-”

“hey, it was only a few days” remus cut off, the pad of his thumb running under your eye softly, “but i promise you we’ll do everything for you to feel included. even if that involves planning a date for our girl.”

“which, just by the way, i didn’t spoil this time!” james pointed out, a smile on your face as remus shoved him playfully.

“you all owe me kisses from the last three days” you said, turning around in remus’s lap so you could toss your legs over sirius’s thighs, a warm smile on his face.

“we’ll do more than that, pup. don’t you worry.”

marauders tag list 🏷 @fjorelaant @drachoesimp @msmb @pinkandblueblurbs @roonilwazlibswhore @dlmmdl @dagirlintheback @onyourgoddamnleft @moonyinthelight @iamnibbsi @samineisntmyname @amourtentiaa @elizabethrosedarling @authorb @justasmolballofstress @persephonestoad @letmereadpls @escapingrealitybyreading

[gamerwoo]

Wonwoo: Atlas

Characters: Wonwoo x female reader

Genre/warnings: mafia au, angst, little bits of fluff here and there but it just adds to the angst tbh, alcohol, smoking, Woo being depresso

Word count: 2,632

Summary: Atlas shrugged his shoulders, said he'd drop that boulder. Call me in the morning when I'm sober, find me in the corner in a coma.

a/n: this was inspired by the song atlas by keshi (and if u like sad boy vibes i highly recommend his music!!!). things in italics are flashbacks (also i didn’t even listen to atlas for half of this i just listened to call me kevin play the sims lmao) ALSO im doing 2 other keshi songs (probably for mingyu and hongseok but idk) and while this technically is a mini series using keshi songs, they won’t be a continuation of this fic. they’re going to be their own lil things. ok that’s it goodbye

2 soon | the reaper 

Limping down the street, the streetlamps being the only source of lighting, Wonwoo’s mind couldn’t help but wander. There were no cars going by at this time of night, not even a cool breeze to listen to the shaking leaves in the trees. The street was dead silent other than his heavy footsteps as he tried to make it home on his own. He was sure God or whatever higher power out there was out to get him lately since on top of everything else, his car had broken down and he was left to walk the rest of the way after calling Mingyu to make sure someone would get the car.

Had anyone been walking around this time of night, they’d probably call the police seeing Wonwoo awkwardly walking down the street with his hurt leg. Despite the nice suit, it was unbuttoned, slightly torn, and stained with splatters of blood. His white shirt underneath was half undone and splattered with blood as well, his tie was hanging loosely around his neck, his hair was disheveled, his right eye was beginning to bruise, and the left corner of his lip was caked with dried blood. There was a trail of dried blood going from his nose to his top lip as well, and his tired expression only added to his awful appearance. 

“Oh my god, Wonwoo!” you gasped when you spotted him from the window, Joshua and Minghao rushing out behind you.

It was one of the first times he’d come home beaten up. You didn’t know about his line of work when you’d first started dating, but when it began to become more serious, he had to break and tell you. Finding out your boyfriend was in the mafia worried you for obvious reasons, to a point where for a while, two of the men he worked with had to stay at the house with you to make sure you didn’t go off trying anything stupid. But you did often pace the kitchen, checking out the window that faced the street to see when his car pulled in. And one night, you saw him be helped out of the car by Seungcheol because Wonwoo was so beaten up.

“It’s okay, baby,” he reassured you as you rushed to him.

“Careful, careful,” Seungcheol warned, not wanting you to throw yourself into him or anything. Jeonghan had just stitched up his gunshot wound, but Wonwoo made him swear not to tell you that much.

“What happened?” you asked, looking him over. He looked about as messy as his clothes, and that was saying something since he was missing his jacket he left the house with, and his shirt was barely hanging onto his body by thin threads. You moved to Wonwoo’s other side, putting his arm around your shoulders. “I’ve got him.”

Seungcheol carefully leaned your boyfriend’s weight onto you, letting you practically carry the poor man inside. Wonwoo managed to smirk at how worried you were. He knew it just meant you cared, and that meant the world to him.

“You’re so cute,” he chuckled, which then turned into coughing that only worsened your anxiety about his injuries. “Let the boys handle it, okay? I’ll be fine.”

You scoffed, “Not a chance.”

Wonwoo pulled a carton of cigarettes from his pocket, taking a cigarette and a lighter out from the pack. He put it between his lips and lit the end before taking a long drag and letting the smoke waft out from his mouth. His eyes locked on the driveway of his house as he recalled how many times you’d dragged him inside, sat him down on the couch or leaned him up against the sink in the kitchen and patched him up. He smiled fondly, remembering all the times you’d scolded him for so long until you were just repeating yourself, only to sigh and say, “You know I love you, right?”. 

But now, he walked up the driveway alone. Despite his limping, there was nobody to carry him home. He had to push himself up the steps, pausing on each one to brace himself for the next. He walked into the house, expecting the echo of his footsteps that he was used to even during your relationship, but not used to the emptiness he felt in the house. At least when his shoes would hit the hardwood as he walked to the bathroom to clean himself up, he knew you were upstairs. But now, he knew he was the only one in the house, and that was a new feeling. A new but vaguely familiar feeling of being alone. He was alone before you, but he was so accustomed to your presence that he forgot what it was like to not have anybody there when he came home.

“Wonwoo--”

“Go back upstairs,” Wonwoo huffed, trying to get to the basement while Junhui and Mingyu helped him.

This time it was worse. You were used to him coming home later, so you no longer wasted an hour or two pacing by the kitchen window, but instead waited until you heard the heavy sound of his boots against the hardwood in the hallway, going toward either the kitchen or the bathroom. He wasn’t always hurt, but this time, he was in worse shape than he’d let you know. That was why there were more men with him.

“But--”

“_____,” he growled, his eyes glancing up at the stairway you were now frozen on. He’d used this voice before -- only a handful of times to show he was serious and didn’t want to fight you on whatever it was -- but it always made you freeze completely where you were. “Go.”

Mingyu and Jun continued to help him to the basement, Seungcheol and Soonyoung following behind them. You waited until you heard the basement door close before dropping your head and going back up the stairs to your room.

Glancing away from the staircase, Wonwoo continued down the hall to the kitchen. He grabbed the bottle of bourbon he left unfinished on the counter before going for the basement door. He threw it open, not bothering to close it behind him because there wasn’t a point to anymore. He was lucky he managed to get down the stairs without falling down them before he went over to his little corner where his desk was. They’d used the basement for plenty of things before, but it was mostly where he kept his ‘business things’. That’s why you weren’t to go down there -- not that that didn’t stop you from checking on Wonwoo from time to time when he had locked himself away down there.

Wonwoo flopped down in his chair, opening the bottle and taking a swig. He stared across the room, trying to grasp the reality that he was alone in the house. He wasn’t sure when it would finally sink in, but it hadn’t yet. It had been a month and he still had himself thinking he could hear your footsteps as you tried to sneak downstairs to check on him, or the shower running with your soft singing drifting from under the door. But the harsh truth was that you were gone an he was just imagining these things.

At first when he got home, you were the first thing he would check on. He wanted to know about your day, what you did, how you were feeling. He was grateful when you had dinner made for him -- even if it was cold by the time he got home -- and loved relaxing on the couch or in bed with you when he got home. But he slowly started seeing you less and less. He didn’t see you most days at all, so you looked forward to the nights. But more often, he started politely turning down dinner to go the basement -- that eventually turned into straight-up ignoring it to go do more work at his desk. Instead of checking up with you, he started going straight to the bathroom to clean himself up before silently grabbing a small snack and retreating to the basement until you were already fast asleep and he was crawling into bed for 2-3 hours of sleep. It got to a point where you barely saw Wonwoo at all.

And as Wonwoo took another drink right after letting out more cigarette smoke, he knew it was all his fault. He got too caught up in his job. He loved you, but he didn’t realize he wasn’t showing it like he should’ve. He made you feel unloved and forgotten and overlooked. It wasn’t a 50/50 situation, it was 100% his fault that you left him.

He put out his cigarette in his ash tray and eyed the bottle before he put his feet up on his desk and took a longer drink this time.

-

“Wonwoo,” he heard your voice in his ear, trying to shake him awake after another late night. But he had the day off today, and you were excited to spend every moment with him that you could. “Wonwoo, wake up!”

A smack to his cheek had his eyes shooting open as he let out a gasp.

“Jesus Christ, Wonwoo,” Mingyu breathed, sitting back as he realized the older man was awake, “I thought you were fucking dead. How much did you drink?”

Considering the slap Mingyu gave him didn’t hurt as bad as the metaphorical slap that his awful reality gave him, clearly not enough.

“None of your business,” Wonwoo slurred as he struggled to keep his eyes open, definitely hung over from drinking until he passed out -- again.

“You need to stop doing this,” the younger boy sighed, giving Wonwoo a stern look, “not even just because Seungcheol’s fed up with it, but because it’s not healthy.”

“What does it matter?” he grumbled, refusing to get up. Instead, his hand searched the floor for his bottle of alcohol.

“Will you stop with that shit? Come on, Wonwoo, _____ leaving doesn’t mean the end of the world!”

“Have you ever been in love?”

When Mingyu was silent, Wonwoo scoffed, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Well it was still your own fault she left you,” Mingyu stated, rolling Wonwoo onto his back with his shoe. “You said it yourself, so you can’t say it’s not true. You neglected her and now you’re throwing yourself a pity party when you did it to yourself.”

“Get out of my house,” Wonwoo groaned, deciding to cover his ears instead of search for the bottle of bourbon. 

“You’ve been pulling this shit every fucking day for a month,” Mingyu spat, ignoring how obviously annoyed Wonwoo was getting. Everyone was annoyed with Wonwoo’s behavior so this was only fair. “Someone always has to waste their time and come here to make sure you didn’t drink yourself dead.”

“Then stop checking!” Wonwoo shouted, finally peeling his eyes open to glare up at Mingyu. “Go the fuck away!”

“Leave me the fuck alone!”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wanted to take them back. You stood in front of his desk, your own angry expression dissipating and being replaced with hurt instead. The two of you had been arguing because he’d been so distant, and while you understood that the basement was where he got more work done, you didn’t see the need for him to continue working when he was away ‘working’ all day. But his anger bubbled over and now he’d crossed the line.

“Wait, _____--”

You just shook your head at him, eyes filling with tears as you rushed to go back upstairs. Wonwoo called for you to come back, but you just ignored him, slamming the basement door closed. Wonwoo groaned and sat down in his chair, rubbing over his face with his hands.

That was definitely the biggest push for you to leave.

And now here he was, in the same room his life started falling apart. Why couldn’t he wake up to you like he thought he was? Better yet, why couldn’t he wake up and have everything just start over? He wanted to go back to when things were good and he wanted to keep them that way. But life didn’t work that way. It couldn’t just reset, it just kept going.

But Mingyu had to be a nuisance and interrupt Wonwoo’s dreams where everything was actually going well and he was happy.

Mingyu sighed, taking a seat in Wonwoo’s desk chair. He rested his elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair. Why did Seungcheol have to send him to check up on Wonwoo? Why not Seungkwan or Seokmin? Somebody who had people they loved and could relate to Wonwoo? No offense, but Mingyu didn’t give two shits about Wonwoo’s broken heart.

“Look,” Mingyu said a bit softer, trying to be more level-headed about this, “I get you’re upset and you’ve never had to deal with heartbreak so you don’t know how to cope. But with this kind of...lifestyle, you should really need to come to terms with the fact that nothing will ever really go the way you planned it to.”

“That isn’t good advice,” Wonwoo sighed, not even trying to sit up. His eyes had even closed again, so Mingyu knew the older man didn’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. “Just go.”

Mingyu stood, rolling his eyes and fixing his suit jacket, “Seungcheol’s going to be pissed, y’know.”

“Good for him.”

“Whatever,” Mingyu sighed. “I’ll send Seungkwan tonight to make sure you haven’t slipped into a coma or something.”

Wonwoo only hummed in response, waiting until he heard the Mingyu’s footsteps go up the stairs before closing the basement door. Then he finally pushed himself up off the floor, stumbling the whole time. But it was only to retrieve the bottle of bourbon with only a little left at the bottom. So he took the bottle, wobbled his way up the stairs to the kitchen to get another, and then carried on to the living room, finishing off the first bottle.

“Well, well, well,” you grinned seeing Wonwoo emerge from the basement. He was still in his ‘work’ clothes, but everything was undone to make it a little more comfortable for him since he was at home, “look who decided to show up.”

“What’re you watching?” he mused as he wandered into the living room and glanced at the TV. “Wheel of Fortune?”

You shrugged, “It’s 2am.”

“Eh, it’s not the worst show,” Wonwoo sighed as he let himself drop back onto the couch beside you. He normally would’ve scolded you for staying awake so late, but it was a Friday night so he couldn’t give any excuses as to why you needed to be in bed. Besides, he wanted to hang out with you for a bit before he was way too exhausted. “Did you eat?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, shifting so you were leaning into your boyfriend’s side.

You kept your eyes on the TV, playing along like you had been before. You still continued to say your answers out loud despite Wonwoo sitting right there, but he merely chuckled. He thought it was kind of cute.

You were so immersed in the show that you didn’t even feel his gaze on you for the last five minutes.

“_____.”

“Hmm?”

You turned your head to look at him, seeing him smiling at you with so much fondness.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Wonwoo opened the second bottle as he stared at the TV, his reflection in the black screen reminding him that he was alone -- not just on the couch, but completely, utterly alone.

He put the bottle to his lips.

[wetalkinboutbooks]

Kingdom of Souls by Rena Barron

Summary: Magic has a price—if you’re willing to pay.

Born into a family of powerful witchdoctors, Arrah yearns for magic of her own. But each year she fails to call forth her ancestral powers, while her ambitious mother watches with growing disapproval.

There’s only one thing Arrah hasn’t tried, a deadly last resort: trading years of her own life for scraps of magic. Until the Kingdom’s children begin to disappear, and Arrah is desperate to find the culprit.

She uncovers something worse. The long-imprisoned Demon King is stirring. And if he rises, his hunger for souls will bring the world to its knees… unless Arrah pays the price for the magic to stop him. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:  

 → Geena:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

 → Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐⭐️

Overall: Kingdom of Souls is full of worldbuilding and characters that draw you in, thought sometimes their actions want to make you rip you hair out. BUT! We really loved this book and are excited to see where this trilogy takes us! Oh also, we should mention there are a few trigger warnings that Rena Barron has listed on the goodreads. 

Spoiler-full review below!

The Good:

→ The Worldbuilding

Geena: So, one of the best things about reading this book was the amazing worldbuilding, which she based off of West African mythology. The kingdoms are complex, and the separation of the different people and their faiths was super easy to follow too. I’ve read so many books where they have some wildass worldbuilding that leaves you scratching your head but this author did a good job at making it easy to understand. Also, Rena Barron did such a good job at describing the magic system? When she introduced the witch doctors in the first few chapters I could just visualize how they were and it was like watching a movie in my head. Like I’m still thinking about that one witchdoctor and her tribe that came down on clouds….. Poetic cinema… 

Kae: OK, so! I really enjoyed reading the differences between the tribes and how they are distinguished from each other. Some people had their bodies covered in tattoos others were known for their tall and lean figure, light eyes, etc. it was very wonderfully written and I always knew who Rena was talking about when she was mentioning the characters or introducing new ones.  Sometimes others don’t do a very good job of separating characters by looks and they expect the reader to remember everything based off of personality, which is quite annoying. Rena did a wonderful job of giving all of the characters their own individuality so we wouldn’t have to struggle and figure out who was who even if they weren’t mentioned by name. The way she wrote the big city (which I cannot remember the name), was very well done and you could easily see the differences between the city and the tribal lands.  I also love the way she incorporated the religious ties to magic in this world and the origin story of how they got their magic. There was a war between the gods, and the God of gods gifted humans with his magic. There are even mentions of fallen angels technically. It was just really interesting altogether. 

Geena: Yesss, the origin story was also one of the coolest components of the book. Also, Rena Barron does this cool thing of interspersing chapters throughout the book that are from the perspectives of different gods and their opinions on whatever is going on in the book. I really enjoyed that even though the first time I read it I was lowkey confused.

→ Arrah

Kae: Arrah!! My sweet summer, very cursed child. Arrah is the daughter of two of the most powerful witch doctors in this world. Her mother, Arti,  comes from a tribe where she was known for being the next in line to be the chief and a high witch doctor. Her father, Oshhe; who is the son of the high priestess/witch doctor and his tribe, making him one of the highest as well. This lineage from which Arrah comes from, left many to have very high expectations for her and her magical abilities. Unfortunately for Arrah, no matter  how many magical rituals she went through, was not blessed with magic. She often beats herself up about it because she feels she has let her family down, and truthfully the only person she let down was her mother. Her mother is The high priestess, and I mean THE HIGH PRIESTESS The entire kingdom. So she often waves her daughter off and is not home most of the time anyway because she is fulfilling her duties at the temple. So our main character is very close with her father who is honestly everyone’s dream dad.  oshhe is the epitome of a perfect father. 

Geena: Reading about her relationship with her dad, I was like “it’s just not realistic.”

Kae: LMAO BUT HONESTLY THO!! So when the children start to go missing in the city people begin to worry. Arrah’s Self-proclaimed a little brother ends up going missing as well. This leads her to sell small pieces of her life in order to use magic for a short period of time and figure out who is stealing the children.

Geena: LMAO Kae’s “sweet summer, cursed child” is so accurate. All she wants to do is become a powerful witchdoctor so her mom will love her :(  Despite everyone around her saying that her magic (or lack of) doesn’t define her, Arrah lives in a constant state of anxiety where magic is on her mind. She isn’t the most perfect protagonist and I liked that about her, she made dumb decisions and recognized they were stupid… but did them anyways 💀 A big fucken mood… But then again a lot of what she does throughout the book is driven by her need to help others, like finding her self-proclaimed younger brother or selling more of her lifespan to find a way to free her father from her mother’s spell. Her personal relationships are a wreck too like this girl had a crush on Rudjek, the future royal vizier, it was very much a two way crush but the whole time Arrah was like “Idk does he :////” like u absolute dumbo… EVERY SIGN POINTED TO “YES”  AND SHE WAS STILL LIKE “I’m imagining things.”

→ Arrah’s Squad

Geena: Barron also wrote Arrah an amazing group of friends. Primarily, Sukar and Essnai, both her friends from the city who would travel to the tribal lands to visit their own tribes for the yearly magic ritual. Sukar was very much a himbo (like almost every guy in this book lmao) and Essnai was a wlw QUEEN who was the oNLY ONE WITH A STEADY RELATIONSHIP THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK. Barron really said lesbian rights by giving Essnai the most wholesome relationship. Sukar and Essnai didn't turn their backs on Arrah even after her family was banished from the kingdom for crimes that Arrah had nothing to do with, and even accompanied her when it was revealed that Arrah would have to die to set the world to its original state. Also…. Omg when Sukar, Essnai, and Rudjek found out that she gave some of her lifespan for magic they were literally that meme:

Arrah: So I did a thing

Them: What?

Arrah: Sold my life for 3 hours of magic

Them: 

Kae: LMAOOOOOOO BINCH 

Geena: I JUST LOVED HOW THEY WERE LIKE “U DUMB BITHC!!!!! I GUESS NOW WE ALL GOTTA HELP U DEAL WITH THIS” I loved their friendship so much :’) 

Kae: IT WAS REALISTIC AF. I’d also like to mention how everyone and her friend group was basically like “Did you and Rudjek finally kiss yet? No? Typical.” And they would tease Arrah and Rudjek CONSTANTLY. Arrah’s friends had her back through literally everything and were ready to die by her and Rudjek’s side. They were some real ride or die friends when it came down to it. THEY WERE WITH THE SHITS. 

Arrah and Rudjek: *standing near each other* 

The homies:

→ Arrah’s Dad

Kae: OK so we have Arrah’s father, Oshhe, who is honestly the kindest man that I have ever encountered. He is such a wonderful father to Arrah and does everything in his power to let her know that she is loved and that she does not need to possess magic in order to be loved. He is constantly showering her with the reassurance that she needs to have two accept who she is. Arrah is in love with the stories he tells her. He also allows her to hang out with Rudjek when they both know that Arti, Arrah’s mother, would forbid it. (Rudjeks father did some foul shit to Arti when they were young and she isn’t over it… which is understandable, considering he had her tortured.) sadly, Arti curses oshhe and he is under her spell. He tried to fight it, but his magic just isn’t as strong as hers. He is complicit in whatever Arti says while he is under her curse, but he is often sweating or staring off into the distance, because he is still trying to break free. He’s basically under my control, knows he’s under my control, but is stuck behind magical, mental bars watching everything go down well he can do nothing to stop it. It’s really fucked up.

Geena: Kae summed up Oshhe really well. We learn about how he met and married someone as unloving as Arti and it’s so sad. He’d always been in love with Arti from their time at the tribes, and he still loved her when she came to the kingdom and fell in love with the King. And he was the one there after Arti was freed from her torture, even though he knew that Arti would never love him back and that she wasn’t the same woman he’d fallen for. Also, when he tells Arrah something along the lines of that when she was born he knew she’d be the love of his life bc he loved his daughter so much it’s unREAL. He went to a dangerous forest and killed a mystical animal for her. And he would have killed the gods themselves if it had come to that. And like Kae mentioned he was under Arti’s mind control but was aware of the torture she was putting Arrah through, and when he finally gains back control at the VERY END… AND DIES RIGHT AFTER?????? BRO????? I WAS LIKE THE FUCK!!! HE DID NOT DESERVE THIS!!!!!

Kae: I WAS SILENTLY SCREAMING AT MY DESK 

Geena: GIRL RIGHT… IDK BUT HER DAD JUST WARMED MY HEART. HE DIDN’T DESERVE HIS DEATH… 

Kae: THAT SHIT HURTED. 

The Bad:

→ Arrah NOT CATCHING A BREAK  

Kae: So, I’m going to backtrack just a little bit. But when Arrah sells some of her so for magic, she does like this magic phantom walk and finds out that her mother is the child snatcher. Her mother discovers that Arrah knows this and curses her so she can never speak with ill intent against her mother. So whenever Arrah tries to get help or tell someone what’s going on she literally cannot talk. It’s pure agony for her. So her mother curses Oshhe, gets pregnant by a demon via possession of him, and is exiled from the country. So they take a boat and travel to this small town that is known for its unresting spirit activity. Time also doesn’t exist in this town so it’s very hard for her to keep track of minutes, days, months, etc. they get to like this hidden Temple where Arti gives birth to Efiya, the demon baby. Efiya grows rapidly. She is born, then she’s like 5 the next day, then she’s 10. Then she’s Arrah’s age, 16. Efiya is a SUPER powerful girl who has the power of actual Gods, and she is completely unstoppable. Arrah escapes, returns home to her friends, and they’re on a mission to try to stop Efiya. Rudjek dies, comes back, she and he ditch the homies because they don’t want the homies to get hurt. WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotdamn EFIYA shape shifts to look like her sister, waits until Arrah leaves for a moment to collect herself after it gets a little HOT with Rudjek, and goes to take some herbs. OUR GIRL SAID I'M NOT GETTING PREGNANT. comes back and boom. She sees him having sex with her sister. She’s shooketh. And PISSED. And hurt. Then the homies find them, blah blah blah. And long story short, they find the temple of the Gods, she fights and Efiya and they  basically kill each other. BUT Arrah comes back and learns her and Rudjek can’t be together. BUT THEY KISS ANYWAY. THEY WERE LIKE FUCK IT. I'M HERE FOR A GOOD TIME NOT A LONG TIME. Oh, yeah… and Efiya killed her parents. That happened. And her grandmother. And all the elder witch doctors because she wanted to steal  their magic. 

Geena: Poor girl was just knocked around like a ping-pong ball. One tragedy to another 🤕 First, she can’t do magic for SHIT and her mom doesn’t love her because of that. Second, the guy she likes is her mom’s nemesis’ son. Third, every single person she cares about is taken from her one way or the other, from her adoptive lil bro to her dad. Like I thought the book couldn’t get any worse when she saw her dad be possessed, but then Rudjek dies? And when he comes back to life he ends up sleeping with her evil sister thinking it was Arrah. Right, we gotta mention… in an attempt to free the demon king Arrah’s mom has a half-demon half-god baby, aka Arrah’s sister 

Kae: SHE FUCKS A DEMON!!!!!

Geena: A DEMON IN HER HUSBAND’S BODY TOO… AND ARRAH WATCHES THIS HAPPEN IM SCREAM .. AT LEAST I THINK SHE DOES BC I HAD TO RE-READ THAT CHAPTER LIKE 2 TIMES

Kae: GIRL THAT SHIT WAS SO WILD WHAT THE  F U C K 

Geena: AND YEA…. TO TOP IT ALL OFF TURNS OUT ARRAH IS  THE REINCARNATION OF THE DEMON KING’S SOULMATE…. SO THERE’S THAT, NOT TO MENTION SHE AND RUDJEK ARE ILL-FATED BC TOUCHING EACH OTHER SAPS ARRAH’S MAGIC (which she acquires permanently after some wild rituals her grandma does before dying at Efiya’s hands). THE LIST OF EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG WITH ARRAH’S LIFE IS SO FUCKING LONG OH MY GOD I FORGOT HOW SHIT SHE HAD IT

The Ugly:  

→ Arti and Efiya

Geena:  The ugliest villains can be found in this book. We have Rudjek’s dad that had Arti tortured, which broke her mind and twisted her into an unloving and terrible person. Hearing Arti’s story pulled at your heartstrings, but did it justify her killing 12 underprivileged children to resurrect a demon with whom she’d have a baby with JUST so she could resurrect the demon king. In my opinion… no. Not even just that, but treating your own child like shit and basically ignoring she exists until the very end of the book where suddenly she feels regret for neglecting Arrah for 16 years. Overall, on a scale of 0-10 Arti is a -5 when it comes to the mom scale.  Also, Arti is a powerful witchdoctor, and she cant feign ignorance because I’m pretty sure she would’ve seen the future at one point and seen everything that goes down. The only good thing she did do was kill the man that tortured her and countless other women. I feel like I’m too harsh on her given what she’s gone through, but she essentially puts Arrah through the wringer by cursing her and forcing her to watch her dad lose his own body. I’M LIKE I DONT WANT PPL TO BE LIKE ‘UR JUS BEIN A BITCH, ARTI SUFFERED TOO’ LIKE yes she did suffer, but rather than taking action against those that put her through hell she chose to ruin the lives of innocents ju kno. 

Kae: YES!! Arti was on some bullshit and I get she got fucked up and the love of her life was against her. But like… don’t take that out on your daughter because you can’t use her to get back at your enemies. I think that’s exactly why she treated Arrah the way she did. Arti married Oshhe for his power in hopes to have a powerful child. When that didn’t happen, she was pissed and started planning for that damn demon baby. Her actions are all based on revenge and power and in the end, they kill everyone. Including Arrah, though she doesn’t stay dead for long. She literally is like “Nah, I got shit to do.” And the gods are like “Mmm ... we can’t let our sister be reincarnated into you again… soooo, no?” And Arrah is like “Too bad bitches!” And zooms back into her own body. 

And then there’s Efiya. Efiya is described as beautiful and looks much like their mother. She starts off as a sweet little girl who just likes being around her big sister. But once she learns human things, like playing and being a child, she gets interested in that, and begins to abuse her powers. 

Geena: I was kinda disappointed on how the Efiya storyline went because like Kae mentioned, she had started off as a sweet girl who loved Arrah. And I had thought Arrah would run away with Efiya and train her against Arti but bOY WAS I WRONG. Efiya is powerful and she knows it, she kills countless gods and absorbs their power, and when she kills Arrah’s grandma she tries to take her power too but for some reason it doesn’t take. Instead, Arrah ends up taking her grandma’s magic (along with every other powerful witch doctor). This annoyed the fuck out of Efiya, bc she’s supposed to more powerful than Arrah, prettier than Arrah, and just generally better at everything. So, Efiya is like ‘I can’t take your powers or see your future so I’ll fuck your man instead” …… very much 0-100. Near the end of the novel I still couldn’t tell, did Efiya really love Arti and Arrah? Because on the one hand it seemed like she hated the prospect of killing them, but on the other hand Efiya didn’t care about skewering Arti. She was a complex villain for sure, kinda in the same way Arti was. 

Kae:  OH. AND THE DEMON KING GAVE ARRAH SOME OF HER PAST LIFE MEMORIES BACK. So like, now a piece of Arrah feels torn because she loves everyone in her current life. But she was married to the Demon King in a past life and he is determined to have her love him again. And I feel like a very small piece of Arrah does. The Demon King wants her back so they can resurrect demons, kill the remaining Gods, and take over the world like they originally planned. SO. THERE’S  THAT. A big whammy for ya there. But yeah. Shits crazy. 

Geena:  KJDNFDS RIGHT THE WHOLE ‘MARRIED TO THE DEMON KING IN A PAST LIFE’ SCHTICK…. THE POTENTIAL FOR ANGST???? GOD I CAN’T WAIT. This is a love triangle I CAN get behind because it’s gonna be MESSY 

Kae: He also mentioned possibly trying to kill Rudjek. 

Geena: Oh yea oh man.... Wait... there is a meme for this 

Arrah seeing the Demon King and Rudjek throwing hands:

Conclusion

Kae: SO! In conclusion, we loved this book. The story was WILD from  Start to finish. Rena is such an amazing storyteller and her descriptions that were vivid without being overdone. You know how some others like to go on for 10 pages about the smell of the wind and the bark of a tree. But Ren does it right! My favourite part of the book has to be Arrah and Rudjek . being so awkward around each other and dodging the fact that they’re both in love with each other. It was really cute because neither of them wanted to ruin their friendship and I think that was very realistic. The friendships are also beautifully written as well. And the way Rena differentiates the cultures of the tribes from one another is amazing and I felt like I was there. 

Geena:  I agree to everything Kae said above, Barron does an amazing job in (like what we mentioned before) worldbuilding shit. AND YEA my favourite part was like when Sukar purposely hangs around Arrah to make Rudjek jealous JUST BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY TO ME. But honest to god I’m so excited to see how it’ll go from here because it’s supposed to be a trilogy right, so there is SO MUCH that can happen and there are SO MANY paths this can take. 

[unholydickweed]

I've been dealing with abandonment issues for as long as I can remember. It's not the usual - you know, dad leaving mom to be a single parent kinda thing - but mostly because their presence was overly involved in things which i felt were unimportant. I don't know if my younger brother realized or just doesn't care enough or maybe he's dealing with this in another toxic way (maybe I'll get to this later on idk) but it has only left me with severe separation anxiety and led me to believe I can only ever be a social pariah, unloved and bothersome.

Funny story - I had a babysitter once, her name was, let's call her May, and after 5 years of being with me she suddenly up and left. I named every caretaker May after that because I was so attached.

I had this friend too, ok let's call him Jim (because now that i think of it he looked like a 7 y/o Jim Halpert, we were friends when we were that age) and he used to come by all the time to my neighbor's and we hung out almost everyday. Never came back after a certain Wednesday. I made a butterfly shaped card for him, i don't remember what i wrote, but i remember being torn when i found that he wasn't coming back soon, i cried and tore the card and threw it into the trash. That's the story of the first guy I ever liked, i don't really give him enough credit but I know he's one of the only people who reside in the good memories section of my childhood, given that I only have a few memories to begin with, of which most are sufficiently traumatic - I don't think about it all that often but when I do it's always him. I'm over him of course, but this will always remain a big part of me.

Fast forward to grade 1? My best friend at that time, T. She left too. I didn't have a clue where she went then and only found out years later she moved to another school and i know she didn't have a choice but why

Why couldn't she let me know? I would've understood. I think. I almost cried to mom that she hadn't been coming to school for a while. Mom gave me strawberries

So ofc i learnt to deal with sadness by overindulging in food.

Grade 1-5 i never had a constant friend circle because our sections always kept shuffling (probably why i have grown this serious tendency to meet new people all the time, and by that i mean just talk for like 3 or 4 day max and I'll forget about them, while simultaneously craving people to be attached to me so that I can be the one who leaves, and i don't know if that makes any sense but if it does, that should make me a low life hypocrite I'm sorry)

I had a bigass crush on one of the boys in our class in 6th grade. He was new, his roll was after mine and so he always had seats with me or behind me bc of our stupid (stupidly fortunate) arrangement thing. He was kind and funny and always partying always energised (and well right down my alley - jock tall defined features no beard haha old habits die hard). We weren't in the same class in 7th grade and i kinda lost touch with him because we couldn't interact as much anymore (save me lord i can't believe i used to be that shy), so I booked the window seat in my homeroom just so i could watch him play football during his P.E. classes and break times. One of my current best friends liked him too (lmao that's how we became friends in the first place, over him, just plain fascination, story for another day). And then he disappeared and i knocked him for the first time on facebook saying "you're leaving?" Never bothered to check what he had to say. Man, I was crushed. I promised myself i would never allow me to feel that again.

You must be thinking what could a 13 y/o know about love, but truth is the love you have when you're younger is of the purest form. Now it's just a bleak compilation of everything that never worked out.

In 2019, i completely cut off my friend of over four years because I'd liked him so much. He took everything I had to offer for granted at some point. It was a healthy choice on my part because he was getting too toxic. Different side to the story: I did the one thing he was so afraid of and told me about - leaving.

Started dating this dude (not right away, like knowing him for about 7 months?) and on the 3rd day I started ghosting him because intense emotions and those labels scared me shitless. He wasn't perfect but he was better than a lot. But what if he left one day? I couldn't deal with the thought of that.

I don't regret it at all though, for reasons that'll take up more reading time than intended so I'll go over it later maybe.

And then. Haha. The last person

Fucked me over

Thank you

I swear to god i am thiS close to calling him every single night but i just don't

[can-you-hear-me-now]

I miss you.

I promised myself this blog wasn’t going to be all vagueblogs about you but. Lets be honest. How can I not. 

I wish things could just go back to the way they were at the beginning. It seemed like it could last forever and. I don’t know. I let myself get my hopes up. I let myself imagine a future with you. A real one. One far away and intangible but still there. A possibility. 

Hope is a funny thing. I find myself gaining and loosing it so easily. I latch myself onto things and suck the life out of them, because it feels like it’s all I have. Is that what I did to you? 

I was being abusive. And I wish I could go back and do things differently. Because it was wrong. Saying things and hurting you it just. And you don’t deserve to be treated that way. I know that this is my fault and I did this to us, even though you try and deny it. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. And there’s no excuse for it. 

Things are really difficult right now. I think maybe you thought us not being together would make things better. Maybe it did for you. Can’t say it really did for me. If anything, my thoughts and feelings have probably gotten worse. Every day I want to die and I feel worthless and unlovable. Its tough to not place blame on you or even myself. Its no ones fault, even though I guess I don’t really believe that. It’s the situation, or so we say. Not the right time. 

I want to be friends with you again. I’m not ready to though. I tried so hard to hold off and give myself time and give you space and. I just missed you so much. I still miss you. But I can’t separate how I feel. Hearing your voice hurts and even just the tone of your messages. Everything is so stilted and forced. I feel like you’re lying to me. You don’t really want to still be friends. I wish you would tell me the truth. 

“You’re a good person,” you said. 

“I want to keep you in my life,” you said. 

Well, maybe that was selfish on your part. Maybe I don’t want to keep you in mine. 

Thats not true. I want you so badly it hurts. In every cell and molecule. I just can’t. I trusted you with so much and. I can’t take steps backwards. I just. Change is really hard for me. And you’re so wonderful and perfect and just. Everything I’ve always wished for, which sounds stupid and naive to say. But after I fretted for so long about loving you and now I’m losing you. 

Every song makes me sad. I can’t listen to any of my music any more because literally all of it makes me think of you which then makes me cry. That sucks a lot, I’m not gonna lie. I miss Baths lmao. 

Did you ever really love me to begin with? Was it all just pretend? 

I haven’t been back to read our old messages yet. I don’t know that I should but. I want to? It’ll probably just make things harder. Make things worse. 

God, in ten years from now, I’ll just be some kid you met on the internet and did some music things with and then talked about kissing some and then left because of my depression. It sounds so trivial and small when I put it like that. 

I can’t help but feel like I wasted my time. Or, maybe this isn’t about me. Maybe I feel like I wasted yours. 

I thought writing this all out would make me feel better. It’s not but oh well. Its sort of nice to just get it out there. No one will read it but. Fuck it this is for me. 

I wish I could tell you all this. Or do I? What would you say. 

Sometimes I wonder. Do you miss me, too? Are you happier now? Freer? More content? Or do you still think about me? 

I doubt it. It didn’t seem to hurt you very much. It didn’t seem to be very hard for you. You’d made up your mind. You’re still trying to get me to move on. 

You’re trying so hard. I’m sorry I can’t be better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better then. 

I really wanted this to work. I really wanted you. I don’t know why I hurt you the way I did. Why I stopped talking to you and explaining how I was feeling. I’m still not doing it now. Instead I’m making sideblogs and spouting nonsense to no one. 

What sucks the most is, I know there are people who love me. They’re there and I’ve seen them and I feel them and. I still feel so unworthy of it.

All I’ve ever wanted in life is to inspire others and make them feel loved and warm and happy. And I’ve done that, in my own little 30 person corner of the world. Yet, I can’t make myself feel like I deserve their love in return. 

Or maybe I’m just worried I’ll disappoint them. Like I disappointed you. 

I let you down. I regret so many things. 

I wish my depression would just go away. I’m sick of it fucking up everything good in my life. 

It’s Christmas, damn it. I shouldn’t feel like this. I should be playing in snow and loving my family and smiling and laughing and singing and instead I’m sitting here crying and fighting the urge to just walk into the kitchen and slit my wrists with my moms knives. 

I don’t know why I try any more. I don’t know why I try ever. I just wish I could make it all stop. Make everything go away. Bring an end to it all. I don’t wanna die really. But sometimes it seems like theres no other option. 

This got wildly off topic. 

I need some drugs or something. Or a really long nap idk.