#i feel like this list is way too revealing abt me as a person lol

[devoted-horror]

hiii the motivation to write hasnt been motivating and i don't have anything in my drafts ready to post yet so instead here is me rambling on whether or not i think a relationship would work out between me nd certain slashers bc idk. im bored. and i like rambling abt silly things. nd only like... 4 of these r answered in full seriousness so.

starting off strong w michael myers uhm.... he's the ideal relationship for me, i fear.... which is funny bc i never think abt him but i have an avoidant attachment style and he would expect literally nothing from me :thumbs up: there would b no need for intimacy or anything like that it would just b a thing that exists nd never gets acknowledged.

jason voorhees..... idk im uber scared of drowning so i cant even picture getting anywhere near crystal lake bc i'd be scared that i'd fall in lol but. perhaps... i've only seen a small handful of the friday (the first one, goes to hell, x, the jared padalecki one, nd freddy v jason) and i've been far too unmotivated to watch the others but. he's interesting. i think a nice lil life away from people living in a cabin in the woods near a lake is nice to think about, but. idk.

amanda young.... i wanna say yes sosososo badly i could b so good to her but i would die and end up in her list of dead girlfriends i fear. i have a crush on her.

billy loomis is a no personally bc i've known people like him irl nd they make me wanna chew on 20 pieces of rotten tomatoes.

stu macher on the other hand.... i don't think it would b anything serious i think we'd pretend to date as a joke for the funny haha but then oh shit.... maybe it Isn't a joke.... drama happens amidst the ghostface murders.... think.... pretty little liars but better.

bubba and thomas go hand in hand here as a sad no bc i cannot stand hot weather and you wouldn't catch me in the middle of nowhere texas unless something was Very Wrong.

asa emory is a hard no. i hate bugs. i have a fear of bugs. a ladybug or butterfly comes near me and im screaming and running away, and that is not an exaggeration. also bc i have the biggest crush on arkin thts my bbygirl right there guys asa simply stands no chance i fear

quinn bailey.... i don't think it would work out but would i still try.... probably.... i love her sm.

mark hoffman is also a no bc like... idk... he's just not my type.

ethan landry pre-reveal is a yes he's so pathetic coded it has me giggling nd kicking my feet just thinking abt him but post-reveal... probs not.

corey cunningham has me biting my fist because i wanna say yes so badly he is so near nd dear to my heart and i just Know the bastard wld b stupidly romantic nd wld never even think abt cheating nd shit like tht right but also like... it would be overwhelming. like i said, avoidant attachment style, i'd feel suffocated. but it's a nice thought.

bo sinclair. i have.... such a crush on this man... i want to say yes because of that alone, but i simply cannot. there would be fights 24/7 and honestly just turn me into wax already man bc he'd give me a headache.

vincent sinclair would be a yes, i think, if only bo weren't around. it's mean of me to say but vincent doesn't leave town, so in order to be in a relationship with him, i'd have to stay in ambrose as well and deal with bo and once again i cannot.

lester sinclair is an immediate yes under the assumption that he doesn't live in down, but rather on the outskirts of it. nice fuckin cabin in the woods with wicked wooden carvings nd funky animals bones and a dog?? honestly sign me up.

brahms heelshire, as much as i love him and as much as he was the one to make me fall into the whole slasher x reader tag, is a no. again, avoidant attachment style. also, i can hardly take care of myself so there is no way i'd be able to take care of a full-grown man. besides, my cat comes first nd i don't think he'd like that too much.

tiffany valentine pls just one chance is all i ask. fuck it just one date man i'll make it the best date ever pls pls pls

charles lee ray is a no bc he's not my type tbh.

jesse cromeans is also a no. i don't have an explanation for this one i just. idk. it's a no from me.

this isn't every slasher (obviously) nd def not all tht i write for here but i ran out of things to say. so. rambling ends here.

[daz4i]

if you'd like, list one strength of bsd that you see, and one flaw! and when i say that, i mean that in a literary sense. not "this is something i liked" or "this is something i didn't like" but something that works really well in bsd and something that does not work well in bsd.

(for example, "character designs are unique and recognizable" and "unreliable tone sometimes undermines dramatic moments") ((also SO sorry if i come off like a school-teacher, i'm just very interested in literary appraisals of bsd)

I ACTUALLY HAVE ANSWERS TO THAT LOCKED AND LOADED!

strength: this might be more of my own personal taste tho it IS a literary tool i think; i love how it initially builds up your expectations by making the characters fit very common anime tropes (mostly shonen ones), but as time goes on you start noticing more and more how they subvert these! (I'd also argue the story itself does it. it starts out mostly silly and fun and then boom 3 teenagers get shot up in an alley)

imo it's less about twists and more about adding depth to these characters, bc it's not that the core qualities of the initial trope are gone. you're just adding things that would normally contradict them (for example, atsushi being bitter and sassy and violent despite having shonen protag qualities like determination and the ability to inspire others, or kunikida hating authority and breaking rules despite being the uptight and serious type etc). I'm actually planning to possibly write smth abt that more in depth soon bc i find it fascinating hehe :3

also! I'd say bsd strikes the balance between humor and drama really really well :) at least the manga does hehe. example i can think of is how fyozai in meursault always do some funny thing right before they get down to mind games (or doing the egg and salt thing right before nikolai gets them out of their cells hehe). or how aya and bram's moments cut the tension of this arc for a few minutes, giving you a moment to breathe and laugh for a bit. it makes the pain and tension that come later more impactful imo :)

flaw: oh my god ok this one bothered me from the start. it feels more obvious in the anime than the manga, idk why (maybe bc things genuinely need more explaining in the manga bc the medium makes things less clear?), but. characters explaining things out loud unnecessarily

example that's currently fresh in my mind is mushitaro explaining the jailbreak plan to atsushi and kyouka AFTER they do it, which??!! yeah they were there !!! you don't need to tell kyouka that demon snow lured the soldiers into the wrong safe she's the one who made her do it!!!!!!

the only times i can excuse this is atsushi and akutagawa having dramatic shonen-esque battles like the one on the boat. this just makes them fun. but when it comes to the mystery aspects of the series, i feel like you can definitely find a better way to do it. in the example i gave, they could've waited a bit to explain it, then have ango ask how they did it once they all reach anne's room, bc he was the one bamboozled by it after all, so it makes sense (i assume in the manga it would've caused too long of a wait to reveal the answer which would frustrate readers but. reading the story as a whole, or seeing it in the anime in one episode, it is really glaring)

sometimes there isn't much of a choice but then i would honestly prefer to just hear the character explain it in internal dialogue than say it to a character who already knows it. like this also feels forced but significantly less so imo, and at the end of the day these things DO need to be explained to the audience so. finding a better way to deliver should be smth you put effort into i think

. ok i had that rant ready for literally 10 months now so I'm glad i let it out hehe. this aspect can really take me out of the story 😭 luckily it happens a bit less lately i think? or maybe I'm just more used to it lol. but still thank you for giving me the opportunity to let all this out :P🖤

[6gumi]

ooooo this is my first time doing something like this . . thank you so so much sosaaaa (˘⌣˘ )⁄ ! had such . . a very difficult time choosing jus 9 but i pulled thru! (somehow) anywho ! ! this list of characters . . lemme jus say it’s quite diverse in terms of fandoms (LOL) i think u can tell i like pretty men so much (honourable mention: kirara hoshi . . she’s literally my gf but i only fit 9 . . mann) (also another honourable mention: leviathan from whb . . he’s so pretty guys | another honourable mention: wei wuxian n shi qingxuan, do i rlly need 2 explain ? ?)

#1. YUUTA OKKOTSU : god bless yuuta okkotsu . . there’s just this gentle n endearing aura about him that makes me feel so warm about him in a way, it’s the fact that he’s a whole green flag who is nice 2 children that puts me in a deep trance . . YUUTA OKKOTSU U WILL ALWAYS B FAMOUS ! ! jokes aside, he’s just so so . . dreamy in a way not even the english lexicon can describe, he will always b my dreamy boyfie ! !

#2. MEGUMI FUSHIGURO : ah yes . . the sole inspiration for my user, my tumblr account, my sole inspo from the start ! god bless toji n mamaguro for making him with such love and passion, he’s so so beautiful and handsome . . YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM ! he’s such a green flag, not even green FLAG he’s a whole green island, he’s so lucky he’s not realsies becuz i would be sending him kissies everyday !

#3. SATORU GOJO : do i really have 2 explain this one . . (don’t wanna but i have to.. /joke) i had such a love hate relationship w gojo from the start but as time went on i grew 2 love his character n understand him more, he’s so well written that i questioned my own life (jokes) as much as i love his character, sometimes i jus think abt how nice it would be 2 stand next to him considering the fact i’m not that tall n he’s like 6’3 . . god bless !

#4. KAVEH : kaveh kaveh kaveh . . . my beloved architect and smarty pants ! kaveh is such a huge comfort character 2 me n honestly i want him so bad it’s not even funny anymore . . another green flag 2 the green flag club ! (i love green flags as u can see) he’s so soft spoken, his hangouts in genshin made me want 2 break thru the screen n make out w him on the spot . . KAVEH U WILL ALWAYS BE THE NUMBER ONE PUSS EATER OF TEYVAT ! WITH NEUVI CLOSE BEHIND !

#5. DR. VERITAS RATIO : let me tell u all, when he was first revealed my eyes immediately went 2 his biceps i’m SO sorry. after doing ruan mei’s story quest, he’s so damn SASSY. so demanding too, he’s the start of the sassy man apocalypse but i don’t mind ! he’s so so dreamy as well . . he’s quite buff, he has a pretty face, he’s smart, good lord he has the whole package ! he’s basically my type in a man ! god bless whoever told him 2 work out or sumn those biceps did him JUSTICE.

#6. JING YUAN : another green flag that needs mentioning . . listen guys. the moment i started playing hsr n i saw JING YUAN . . i fell in love so quick. i don’t know if it’s his physique, his personality, or wtv but i knew damn well i was gonna like him (atp i think i have a type) he’s such a sweetheart i want him 2 wrap his big strong arms around me and all over ! ! jing yuannie mwah mwah

#7. FUKUZAWA YUKICHI : ah yes . . the most daddiest babygirl of all time. fukuzawa seems so fatherly in a platonic way but also in like . . more ways than one. he’s 45 yet he’s aged like fine WINE . . i love fukuzawa sm he’s literally so husband material . . another green flag ! (full of green flags 2day guys) fukuzawa is so father i get so shy even seeing him on screen its not even funny (jokes!!!)

#8. NEUVILLETTE : ANOTHER GREEN FLAG ! neuvillette is one of the most sweetest, soft spoken, and most majestic characters i’ve ever seen in awhile. he’s the whole definition of “don’t judge a book by its cover” bc he looked SO SO mean in the first teaser but he was actually soft spoken n sweet ! yk me, i LOOOVEEE dragons jus like how i love neuvillette ! second best puss eater trust

#9. FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY : I HEART RUSSIAN MEN. i’ve loved him ever since i first read n watched bsd ! (i’m not sure what he is but i know damn well he’s not green flag that’s for sure) fyodor jus gives such calm girl dad energy for some reason n i think that’s so sweet abt him ! i love him SOOOO much he’s such a cutie patootie literally best girl dad after suguru ! ! i heart girl dads sm

not sure if u guys have been tagged but i shall do it anyways . . (so sorry if u have! ++ u don’t have 2 do this <3) @pwpercrown @osaemu

putting this in its own post bc long -

2023 CHARACTER WRAPPED

thank u @ricecrispiebirb for tagging! I present 9 characters I loved in 2023

1-3: reiner. yes he takes up 3 spaces I will not be taking questions

4: jeanbo horseface kirschtein

5. ezekiel jaeger I remain hateful of how highly you place and yet……….here u are

6. onyankopon giant balls I LOVE u

7. choso…….my little emo wet kitten man

8. satoru gojo, the strongest, the most petulant, the most beautiful

9. geto suguru babe what happened. I still love u tho

no ob tagging @pisspope @fromriches-tosin @oxygenbefore1775 @marenalee @nanamikentoseyebags @strawberrystepmom @pinkmirth @forest-hashira and anyone else who’d like!

[jenniferstit]

𝔭𝔞𝔠 | 𝔴𝔥𝔞𝔱’𝔰 𝔟𝔢𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔨𝔢𝔭𝔱 𝔥𝔦𝔡𝔡𝔢𝔫 𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔶𝔬𝔲…

𝔭𝔦𝔠𝔨 𝔞 𝔤𝔦𝔣 ::::::::::::::::::::::> ✧*:･ﾟ✧

𝔭𝔦𝔩𝔢 𝔬𝔫𝔢 ✧*:･ﾟ✧

there is a person who has feelings for you but does NOT want you to know. in fact this person may be the in the process of making a plan to come towards you, but they reallllly don’t want you to find that out. this person a very deep fear of rejection… in some ways, it controls their lives & how they operate. they’re used to dealing with this in most scenarios, but whenever they develop feelings for someone new, their normal coping mechanisms seem to become ineffective. this person cravesss stability with you. they want to know what it feels like to lie next to you, cohabitate with you, and be the primary source of your emotional & physical comfort. they believe you two share a destiny together, but their heart is filled with grief from the past. they’re still healing, but their fantasies of you give them hope and serve as a guiding light. the thought of you provides them great comfort.

𝔭𝔦𝔩𝔢 𝔱𝔴𝔬 ✧*:･ﾟ✧

another love reading… lol. what’s being kept hidden from you is that love is just over the horizon. the energy i’m picking up here is someone who is burdened by the absence of love in their lives, so if a romantic relationship is at the top of your manifestation list, then this pile is definitely for you. the first message i’m seeing is that love will come when you least expect it (cliche ik but that’s what i’m reading). the person you’ll end up in a commitment with may be someone from the past… not necessarily someone that you dated, but someone that you noticed (or noticed you) from a while back. you may have first interacted with this person during a period where you were fiercely independent, committed to self-development (or that could have been their energy). you’ll run into this person again unexpectedly… there will be something random abt how you two reunite. there will be strong sexual chemistry right away, this won’t be someone that has to grow on you. in fact, i think this relationship might end up stressing you out bc the feelings will be very strong, leading to confusion abt the pacing of this connection… esp if moving quickly is not your style. i don’t think you’ll be able to hold yourself back from this person. cheers to new love!

𝔭𝔦𝔩𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔯𝔢𝔢 ✧*:･ﾟ✧

what’s being kept hidden from you is that you haven’t even stepped into your life purpose yet. you may have a stable job/career but this is not the end of your career path. in fact i ultimately see you leaving your current job/career trajectory in favor of something new. this new thing will reveal itself to you in time… but it looks like self-employment/entrepreneurship to me. there’s something abt being fooled or deceived into thinking that you enjoyed something, but you don’t really enjoy it as much as you were led to believe. maybe you’ve committed yourself to so much work to get where you are now, but you just don’t feel the way you thought you would? don’t worry, a new opportunity is already on its way. whatever your dream career is, i’m seeing that you really shouldn’t give up hope… bc that career is 100% attainable for you. of course there will be a obstacles, but this dream of yours is indeed possible. 555.

𝔭𝔦𝔩𝔢 𝔣𝔬𝔲𝔯 ✧*:･ﾟ✧

someone has a crush on you! (yet another love reading LOL. i did not expect this to be the energy, i was really going for a more sinister vibe… oh well). this person, could be an earth sign, libra, or leo, is definitely crushing hard! they’re literally about to message you any day now… like the energy feels super imminent. this person just wants to get it over with and reach out. they’d rather be rejected by you than be too scared to message you, wondering “what if?” bc of that, i’m getting that this person is confident & very sure of themselves… they have a strong presence. one thing i see that is different than the other two love readings is that there is a LGBT+ energy present here, so if that’s you then definitely take that as confirmation (if not, that’s okay too). if you feel like you’ve struggled with an imbalance inside of your relationships, stemming all the way back to childhood, then this is your message. i’m seeing that this person will effectively end the life-long cycle you’ve been in regarding a lack of reciprocity inside connections. this person will fill up your cup and then some… in fact they may be prone to over-giving themselves (something you two may bond over). this person will be very bold and make you feel truly desired, this person enjoys demonstrating their love (gift giving may be their thing). they won’t leave you wondering abt how they feel. this person may have a lot of wisdom in the love department, they may be a serial monogamist. they may also enjoy being in nature as well.

𝔴𝔞𝔫𝔱 𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔢 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 ? tiktok: @yinz_yang ☯️

[tapejob]

help im from twitter and idk what im doing. how does hockey tumblr work

so you just fled hockeytwt - what now?

hey anon, welcome to hockeyblr! we're imo one of the best communities on tumblr and we're so glad to have you. hopefully you'll enjoy your stay :)

some general tumblr things to note:

as you probably know, tumblr doesn't run on an algorithm

any content depends primarily on what blogs you follow + occasionally what tags you follow (less reliable. your main source will be by blogs)

tags serve mainly as an organizational/content marker, as well as for filtering purposes. tagging #fyp to get your content out there does nothing

to send an ask, click on the button beside the follow/following button on the user's blog - some people rename the 'ask' to some other things, which may make it hard to find

we are the faceless app. pls customize your blog a little so it doesn't look like you're a bot but do not feel pressured to reveal names/face/age/pronouns whatever

once again, the only way content is found is through reblogs. reblog things that u think are neat, no additions required :)

re filtering: you can block terms/tags/content you don't want to see on your dash (e.g. 'tw sexual assault'). here's a better post to explain trigger warning/tagging etiquette

ok onto general hockeyblr:

to follow tags, go into the search bar and type out #[tag] and click the blue follow button on the right. your basic starter pack of tags to follow in hockeyblr: #hockey, #nhl, etc.

but that's lame. and you're probably not gonna get any of the juicy stuff

following your team/the teams you are tangentially interested in and their popular player tags are often a good way to start breaking into the community (e.g. #pittsburgh penguins, #sidney crosby)

follow cool hockeyblr ppl! u can find ppl in your team spheres through the tags i mentioned above. there was also a hockeyblr directory made a while back (og masterlist is down but shoot me a message and i can get you some specific team lists. don't be afraid to ask ppl for recs too)

reblog, like, etc. esp with content creators/gifsets/etc. engagement does the heart good

wtf is liveblogging:

lots of users liveblog and post commentary during games!

you can find these posts in the lb tags, which vary by team and are sort of collectively known (e.g. #pens lb for pittsburgh)

some tags are a little less intuitive: #nyr lb or #rangers lb are both used for the rangers iirc, #bolts lb or #tbl lb have both been used for tampa - feel free to shoot me an ask/msg if you have trouble lol

big events, such as the playoffs, worlds, the all star game, etc may have their own special tags (e.g. #scp lb, #worlds lb, #asg lb, #team germany lb, etc). you'll figure it out as you go! and don't be afraid to ask for clarification

tagging your liveblogs are pretty important since:

it's fun to liveblog with a bunch of people on your silly little gang of guys! helps u find friends to follow, and

people who follow the opposing team might want to filter out your commentary (more info below)

ouch, yikes. i don't want to see that (aka, filtering/blocking)

coming back to filtering, the nice thing abt tumblr is that u can filter out whatever tags/blogs/keywords you don't want to see on your dash

go to your blog settings to live peacefully and with prosperity

you can filter out team tags/liveblogs/players, anything you want. in fact, u are encouraged bc not feeling extreme rage over some picture on the dash of the team that knocked your team out of the scp does the body good

filtered posts don't disappear entirely from the dash (in case u have fomo), but when a blog u follow posts about something in that tag, you will see a blurred post with the tags you filtered, as well as an option to view the post

(looks like this)

some users also have specific tags that they may have created for organizational purposes and to help you block specific content (e.g. #nhl trade rumors are my personal tag for, you guessed it, trade rumors. some ppl don't wanna hear that, so easy tagging for filter)

on that note: filter and move on. don't go into opposing team tags/liveblogs and talk shit or stir up shit. you will be blocked by. a significant amount of people. play nice y'all, it's hockey

rpf/fic

not really my area of expertise on tumblr, but there's a pretty big rpf/fic community on hockeyblr. follow or block as you need!

player relationship tags are a good place to look for content (e.g. #sidgeno, #8771)

use the :readmore: function on tumblr liberally if you're posting fics - full player fics in the player tags can suck to scroll through for an outside user

once again, don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. best of luck navigating hockeyblr, you're sure to have a blast!

[katoodlez]

i tried to be productive this morning but i dont think my brain will let me until i do this, so sam and bucky show episode 4 letS GO

i would like to preface this post by saying that I literally got spoilers (before i watched the episode) from liTERALLY EVERYTHING from youtube to gOOGLE CHROME when i was trying to read the nEWS so in order to avoid spoiling it for anyone that hasnt seen it, STOP READING because this episode is inSANE and you don’t want it ruined for you.

Okay with that being said, let’s get started.

1. the first scene in wakanda absolutely deSTROYED ME. ayo helping bucky clear the winter soldier programming from his mind and then the silent shift of emotions on his face as the flashbacks happened and then when he realized he was free was just-- KDSFKSD the aCTING WAS SO GOOD thank you mr sebastian stan

2. bucky telling ayo that Zemo was a means to an end, especially in Wakandan, gave me chills bc it’s a direct parallel of Zemo telling Bucky that he was a means to an end. this show is just so carefully crafted omg

3. karli morgenthau got so much more screentime and development in this episode and i am hERE FOR IT. it’s really intriguing to get a deeper look into the Flag Smasher’s motivations and see a more personal side of their cause as well, especially in the memorial scene.

4. can we just take a moment. we need to take a moment. to just appreciate sam. hIS DIALOGUE IN THIS EPISODE. actually, in the whole show, but eSPECially in this episode just absolutely POPPED OFF. after this episode, I’m fully convinced that sam is 100% without a doubt the best character in this show. whoever wrote his lines is a genius. i love the scene where he talks to Karli, and I hope that they can have another chance to talk without *couGH* jOhn waLKER *coUGH* butting his head in because that conversation was just amazing. i loved how they discussed things they had in common, and a mutual understanding and how sam said “i agree with your fight, but not the way you’re fighting it.” this line was so good. and literally every other part of that conversation. the entire plot would have fallen to shambles by now if it wasn’t for sam so let’s give this man a round of applause please.

5. while we’re talking about sam, I might as well mention that i was very happy to see him in the falcon suit/wings again. he didn’t fly in episode 3 and i missed the action scenes with the wings. i think I gotta give Sam the most creativity points for the fight scenes in this show because he can fight both in the air and on the ground with a set of wings and weaponize them either way and that’s really cool

6. the dora milaje. I LOVE THEM. omg. i was so happy to see Ayo at the end of episode 3 and they just aSSERTED DOMINANCE in this episode and i loved it. their fighting style and weapons and clothing/armor design is just so elegant and mesmerizing to watch. “the dora milaje have jurisdiction wherever the dora milaje find themselves to be” omg. they took no crap from john walker and it was sO SATISFYING

7. on that note, watching walker get his butt kicked by the Dora Milaje while sam, bucky, and zemo just stood there was hilarious and probably one of my favorite scenes in this entire show so far.

8. WHEN AYO DISARMED BUCKY’s VIBRANIUM ARM. OMG. bucky was *surprised pikachu face* and so was I. I really, really hope they run into the wakandans again because there’s definitely a broken trust between them and i want that relationship to be more fully fleshed out and brought to closure too

9. there’s no way i’m making this list without talking about zemo singing to the kids and giving them candy at the beginning of the episode. that kinda gave me “creepy guy who kidnaps kids at the park” kinda vibes but it was also hilarious since Zemo was the only one making any progress on getting info in that scene xd

10. zemo getting away had the same energy as Loki yeeting with the tessaract in Endgame lmao

11. BUCKY WITH A KNIFE. when he caught the knife askdjfk i’ve been waiting for a bucky knife fight this enTIRE SHOW and i finally got it and me very happy  : >>>> (i’m determined to learn how he does the flippy trick w the pocketknife in Winter Soldier)

12. when Karli called Sarah Wilson i got chills. first of all sarah is an absolute fearless qUEEN but also the fact that Karli threatened Sam’s nephews akdfjaksdj pls dont hurt them Marvel

13. the parallel discussions between Zemo and Sam, Lemar and Walker about taking the super soldier serum were really neat. they both hark back to the conversation between Steve Rogers and Dr. Erskine in First Avenger, and i think that was the key turning point in revealing/completely clarifying both Sam and Walker’s true colors, which will now directly contradict each other for the rest of the show. 

14. people say that sam is the character who always tries to reason things out until he has absolutely no options left. i think that really shows through in this episode, and it’s also a good reference point/marker of the other characters’ development. Sam’s determination to talk things through with Karli actually brought them closer together (until sOMEONE decided to intervene coUGH) but his equal determination to keep peace/negotiate with Walker only drove them further apart, which makes me feel that even though karli and the flag smashers are the “villains” in this story, they are definitely not the antagonists (that would be walker, who’s directly trying to work against Sam and Bucky, the protagonists)

15. bucky’s “i know crazy when i see it cuz i am crazy” sent me LOL

16. when lemar died i think everyone just went 0 _ 0. i don’t think Karli intended to kill him when she kicked him into that wall, judging by the way they all ran off after they realized he was dead. tbh i’ve been netural towards lemar this entire time, tho i do appreciate his more pacifist attitude to walker’s explosive impulsiveness. he’s sort of like sam to bucky. but his death really felt like an accidental cross-fire casualty that cause walker to reach his breaking point

17. and lastly the scene with the bloody shield. 0 _ 0. the whole world was watching indeed

alright that’s it for this week. i can’t believe there’s only two episodes left 0 _ 0. to be honest, from our current point of view as fans i feel like this show needs another season, maybe 2. the reason being, I can’t really see a space that Sam and Bucky would fit into in the future of the MCU. Sam, maybe, if he resolves the deal with the Captain America mantle at the end of this show, but I feel like Bucky’s end goal is just to like, retire lmao. but also, the future of the MCU is gonna be really focused on like the more magicky characters like Wanda, Loki and Doctor Strange, and ofc Spiderman, Thor/Guardians and Captain Marvel, and then ppl are saying something abt the young avengers or something. But yeah, as near as i can figure this show seems like it should bring closure for Bucky at least, except i have no clue how they’re going to wrap all this stuff up in 2 episodes. in addition to the mess with Zemo and Walker and Sharon’s whole deal in Madripoor, I hope they also get back to America to bring their issues there full circle, like Bucky’s issue with Nakajima, Sam’s family and their home, and Isaiah Bradley. guess we’ll see, can’t wait for next week already ahhhh

[discordarchitect]

okay so i watched most of these, and i you liked what you saw-- here are some essay channels i personally enjoy, ranging from discussing purely entertainment to worldly happenings stuff. (i tried to mostly add the first type, but, uh, hand slipped.)

every frame a painting - short videos ~10 minutes about frame composition in film. good stuff, though they stopped making videos in 2018. still, there's around 30 there. much material to watch trough

cj the x - serials, film, animation discussion. every video is a blessing but if u dont know where to start i would suggest No Face Is an Incel

folding ideas - that guy who made 2hr long video abt nfts. i personally like his videos abt film (lukewarm defence of 50 shades of grey, editing in suicide squad) but he recently started doing other stuff.... like the nft video. or the flat earth one.

hbomberguy - i mostly watch his entertainment analysis video "// is dissapointing/genius, heres why" (RWBY, pathologic) but he has stuff about real world too "A measured response to" (Vaccine, Climate Change) depends on your preferences, really.

okay fuck i spend too much time on this already, heres the rest in a speedrun

nerdwriter1 - i actually dont really know where to put him? was popular in ~2018. lighthearted entertainment. the one who made the "Van Gogh's ugliest masterpiece" video. not the masterpiece

Game stuff:

Leadhead - analysis of game themes, gameplay

mental checkpoint - this dude made Move or Die. gameplay analysis, explanations of creation (specifically in games) rec: puzzle video

people make games - journalism abt ppl who make games. watch their roblox video its abt child exploitation and is wild.

serials/films:

The Closer Look - screenwriting. mostly in well known films or serials

Lessons from the screenplay

trope anatomy

The cinema cartography - classy, somewhat serious. similar in the vibe to 'every frame a painting' but more... artsy.

Rocket Jump Film School - editing in films.

SavageBooks - films and serials, actually.

Xiran Jay Zhao - asian perspective on stuff, analysis of culture represented in movies. she wrote a bestseller i havent read

music:

sideways - music composition in film.

tantracul - fascinating guy. made a video about a company, got hired into that company. didnt happen with the rest of the videos about companies, but, well. discusses music software and its bad design.

other stuff, more world heavy:

JSC the criminal psychologist - what it says on the tin. analysis of criminals. not for everyone

theramin trees - religion and trauma

shaun - him and contrapoints and philosophytube are contained in my head in one box labeled as Thinking Stuff. very real world, not at all entertainment. compared to the other two though, his stuff is less performative and visually interesting. but quality of these three? always on point. the things they present tend to be well researched and backed up by links, other analysis. always check the warnings of their discussions tho. they're respectfull, but not everyone has same experiences as i do to think so. i would recommend his The Bell Curve video that looks into the history of Iq, specifically trough the book named "The Bell curve"

VIDEO ESSAYS film

in the moment: a 1917 video essay

fantastic mr. fox: my favorite movie

when shakespeare got cool

what even is masculinity? (according to cinema)

lord of the rings: how music elevates story

school of rock’s perfect scene

why miyazaki is a true romantic

feet in films: humanity & divinity

in the mood for love: frames within frames

what the green knight wants you to think about

rogue one: the birth of hope

colour theory in film

my neighbour totoro: what’s real?

art

the death of socrates: how to read a painting

van gogh’s ugliest masterpiece

art is not content (stop it at about 9 minutes because it just becomes a massive ad -_-)

who’s afraid of modern art: vandalism, video games, and fascism 

can you judge art objectively?

woman at her toilette

michelangelo’s unfinished sculptures

music

frank ocean - musical identity

the power of album covers

the rule-breaking music of frank ocean

the lost art of album sequencing

how fka twigs uses magdalene as a metaphor

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[khaotungsfirst]

Yeah I agree, the storylines Amy and Rory got weren't great. But honestly, I think the cast helped bring life to the characters which is why I like them so much anyway 😊 And yes to Martha! She's so awesome, I actually rewatched her seasons a few months back and found I loved them more than I remembered? I don't really watch current DW now (fell off following it not long after the 50th), but I still like revising the old episodes from time to time. They make me smile 😊 - CC 🦊

We'll find some way to watch tgcf, worry not! If the Funimation route doesn't work I'll see if I can ask around and find something else. I'm so used to looking to sites like Crunchyroll when it comes to non-western animation that I forget the site doesn't list a lot of stuff that isn't just anime 😂CC reveal is in a few days so I'll send you the Funi link for the first episode then and you can see if it works for you too 😊- CC 🦊

Aww, I'm glad you had a good Christmas though ❤️ Where I live decorations aren't too overboard either. A lot of people either put lights outside or on outdoor trees, and a few houses might do a window display. I have seen some videos on YouTube this year though of streets that are purposely decorated extravagantly for people to go and visit, but it's mostly America I've seen those. They look so pretty and a ton of fun though! - CC 🦊

I love your Christmas gift ideas for some of the characters. And lol, omg, you made me laugh with 'wwx not being allowed to give lwj a massage it'll just turn nsfw' because yeah ... yeah it would with them 🤣Matching hair pieces for them though that act like an engagement ring is such a cute idea 🥺I think I'd give jc a puppy, but only if he promises to not upset his brother's phobia with it! He just needs a good pup - - CC 🦊

I'd give lwj a lotus root soup recipe so he could make it for wwx, or if jy is able prod her into the idea of doing so if she hadn't already. wwx can have some new black robes - i'm sure lwj is spoiling him with more luxurious ones, but the boy needs a bigger wardrobe! sizhui and the boys can have an expenses paid meal at their favourite restaurant, with plenty of chicken for jingyi 🤣- CC 🦊

I think this might be my last question time for you before reveal! I'll try and make it a special one 😊 Do you have any favourite memories from this past year? Can be related to something that's happened in fandom or through mdzs, or can just be something that's made you happy or smile. I know 2020 hasn't been the easiest year, but there's been pockets of sunshine between all the crazy! ☀️ - CC 🦊

Talking to you about dw really made me want to rewatch some of the old episodes. I also fell off pretty soon after the 50th, though I did return to watch all of 12′s episodes and I would watch the new ones as well but they’re simply not easily available to me atm 😩

Aaaaahh I can’t wait to start our lil tgcf buddy watch!! It’s gonna be great cause if we love it we can scream abt it together and if we don’t like it we can roast it together 😂 (but I think we’re gonna love it)

Oh yeah, I’ve also seen some crazy american christmas decorations on youtube where the entire street is lit up. I would love to see that irl some day!

I thought abt giving jc a puppy, too but... wwx... 😅 though maybe wwx should get therapy sessions for christmas so he can work through his trauma and then maybe one day not be afraid of dogs anymore or at least not of jc’s dog 😅and aaaahhhh yes!! jyl introducing lwj to her cooking and especially the lotus root and ribs soup and lwj would be so diligent in learning how to do it perfectly bc he loves wwx so much!!! 🥺yes more robes for wwx!!! and maybe also some colourful ones (like not bright colours but maybe jewel toned?? like a really dark blue or red? 👀 he’d look like a snacc) 

and that’s such a sweet question! i’m not going to lie i had to think abt it for a moment cause as you said, 2020 really wasn’t the best of years for any of us, but i have a few: 

buying my first car!!! whooo a bitch is free to go wherever she wants whenever she wants!! (if covid would let me 😩)

finding an apartment and looking forward to living by myself (i CANNOT wait to decorate my apartment he way i want it to look!!)

the realisation that i’m fully and truly over my ex and that i’m actually quite content with being single (do i still want love? yeah sure but i’m not desperately craving it anymore and it feels so liberating)

the new lady gaga album giving me life

discovering the untamed and and just LOVING something so much and wholeheartedly again. i’ve missed being so wrapped up in one piece of media cause i haven’t had that in quite some time and it feels so nice!

joining the mdzs fandom who have been the nicest and most welcoming ppl ever! i’ve been on this website for almost a decade and never have i felt like i belong somewhere or like i had mutuals who are my friends until now. i have met so many amazing ppl in the past few months since i joined the fandom and it makes me so happy!! i love all of you, including you, dear CC! you all have made me life so much brighter! ❤️(also going along with that: returning to gifmaking and just having a creative outlet again is SO MUCH FUN)

this is related to the previous point but it stuck with me: one night when i went to bed, i was smiling so much and i felt so indescribably happy simply because ppl on here were being nice to me and my gifsets were doing well and we were all having a laugh at something fandom-related and i just... it sounds so stupid but i went to sleep with a smile on my face and i don’t remember the last time that happened

getting passionate about learning a new language which is chinese! i don’t know for how long that will last but atm i’m enjoying it so much and i hope i’ll get to at least a semi-fluent level! it’s a language that’s completely different from the other languages i’ve learned so far and i loooove the characters!! also it makes me feel productive during these boring times.

asakdjfgjdfdkgf so many of these are related to mdzs but i truly feel like it saved me from spiralling into a dark seasonal depression. maybe not the healthiest way to cope but better than nothing... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dear CC, I want to thank you for keeping me company and asking me so many fun questions this past month! 💕 I can’t wait to find out who you are and start watching tgcf with you. I hope you had just as much fun with your personal CC as I had with you. See you on NYE! 😘

[jawnjendes]

shawn meets... | kat

SUMMARY: in the life of a rockstar, shawn mendes comes across some unique people. sometimes, things stray from the norm. (AU, shawn x every one of my oc’s)(continuation/spin off of goth gf)

AN: sry for the lack of writing lets blame a little green dude. no one cares abt this story anymore lmao anyways this kinda goes with @fourtristattoos spooky fest. i used one quote from the list lol and the oc for this chapter is uh,,, fitting for this fest :) ALSO i know it says k1, but this is the third chapter of the series so go ahead n clicky ze masterlist if u wanna catch up

***let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist

previous chapter

kat’s blog | kat’s playlist | masterlist

Five years later.

Despite what the media, the fans, and all of Shawn’s team said five years ago, Shawn has actually been single for six years. Any relationship that was “outed” to the public was merely for promotional purposes. Shawn has kissed whatever person he was supposed to be seen with, and took the backlash from his fans with a smile. He was supposed to be in a happy relationship with the girl he went to university with, no one needed to know the stress and anxiety that weighed down on him, even after that stunt was over.

Thinking back, it really hurt Shawn internally. The stunt with Camila happened only a few short months after the actual relationship with the goth girl from university had ended. Shawn was just reminded of what used to be, and how badly he missed his ex. Wondering what she must think, seeing her ex-boyfriend go after one of her friends. After practically breaking down in front of Andrew, it was discovered that Shawn and Camila were in this for good, for as long as their careers were standing. There would be “break ups” every so often, but there would always be a “getting back together” chapter of this narrative. Shawn really regretted not reading his contract back when he was 21. Camila probably did too, though they didn’t really speak much during that time unless they were staging a date in public.

In the last five years, Shawn and Camila have broken up and gotten back together three times. Singles, albums, or other projects were always announced following these stories, and anyone who was not on Twitter were able to call out their shit. Shawn knew this shit was obvious, painfully obvious, but there were good reasons for keeping this stunt going.

Shawn hasn’t been in a real, serious relationship since university. He’s been on dates and one night stands, but a relationship in this life was nearly impossible. A typical twenty six year old might wonder about settling down, but nothing about this life was typical. Marriage, romance, anything that was remotely stable… Sure, Shawn thought about it every so often, but there was just no time. Not to mention, his PR team was very anal about who he chooses to publicly spend time with if it wasn’t Camila. In the six years he's been going at the music thing, there weren't any signs of slowing down, and Shawn preferred it this way. He wouldn’t know what else to do with his time.

That being said, Shawn made time for pretty ladies, men, and nonbinary friends when he wasn't bombarded with photoshoots, interviews, and a hectic tour schdeule. He went on dates and the public (and sometimes his team) were none the wiser. His sex life was fulfilled, and he had little desire to make relationships with these people. Other times, pretty ladies reached out to him. Like today, for instance.

Shawn was currently off tour and off writing songs for the month, which was perfect timing for a socialite by the name of Sapphire Venus Lilith. She wanted Shawn to be the entertainment at her 27th birthday party in London. The only reason why Andrew approved of it was the amount of zeros on the baby pink check that was sent in advance. Shawn had been in Los Angeles for one day, with plans to hang out with Aria and her fiance, but by the afternoon, he was put on a plane to England.

He had intended to Google this socialite on the flight, just to see what about her was going to make this random show worth it, but he knocked out as soon as he was in the air. There was no time to stop at the hotel either; Apparently, Sapphire demanded they land on her estate. Meaning, this girl was so rich that she could afford a private jet to land on her massive flower garden.

The property was surrounded by lush green trees and a large field that would have been better for the jet to land on. There was a walkway between the two crushed flowerbeds, and it led to a massive, old school mansion. Shawn was looking at the structure through the tiny jet window before following Andrew and Brian out to the walkway.

"You know how I know you've changed?" Andrew said. "We just killed a bunch of daisies, and you didn't even argue."

Shawn looked down at the crushed little plants, trying to identify the petals. "They're jasmines…" He mentally blew a kiss and apologized to the poor plants, as if they had the capacity to appreciate it.

Then, Brian came up on his side. "You think they'll let us stick around for the party after your set?"

"We're here on business," Andrew reminded him.

"All work and no play makes Shawn a dull boy!"

It was a joke, but there was a certain type of energy to that. Shawn woke up this morning with plans to hang out with an old friend and have some normal fun. Instead, it was morning again and he had a job to do. He went up the walkway, staring at the massive structure ahead.

His condo in Toronto felt like a rickety shack compared to this place. The red bricks probably cost more than a single paycheck he gets. The large fountain in the roundabout had scented water spouting out of it and pink rose petals floating around. There was a staircase leading up to the front doors and ramps on either side. Some roadies were walking up and down the ramps, carrying various types of equipment. An elderly butler was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, smiling politely.

"Welcome to the Lilith estate," he greeted to the three men.

Andrew introduced himself first, shaking the man's hand. Then Shawn, then Brian.

"What's your name?" Brian asked.

"Charles, sir," the butler replied, his wise blue eyes lighting up. Probably wasn't asked that too often.

"Good to meet you, Charles!"

"Likewise, Mr. Craigen. Now, if you will all follow me…"

Charles led the three of them up the staircase. He pushed open the massive doors, revealing the inside of the luxurious home. Note: the outside of the mansion was all red brick and dark cobblestones, but the inside was pink. Soft, baby pink. The walls of the entrance hall were white, but the decor, the knickknacks on the long tables, the artwork on the wall, and the chandelier were tinted with pastel pink. It was the first thing anyone would notice stepping in here.

"Would you care for some refreshments, gentlemen?" asked a maid who had walked in, carrying a tray of - you guessed it - pink lemonades, garnished with tiny little yellow flowers. The maid was in a white uniform, a pink flower tucked behind her ear.

They graciously accepted the drinks, thanking the maid who nodded with a smile before disappearing down the hall.

"I thought just her checks were pink," Andrew commented before taking a sip through the straw.

Shawn and Brian agreed, looking around at the frilly room. The rug they were standing on was the loudest of all, being a bright Barbie pink. Wonder what her favorite color is…

Then, Shawn noticed the pink flower in Charles's blazer pocket. It was the same as the maid's one. He tilted his head, studying the ruffly pink petals.

"Is, is that a carnation?" he asked.

Charles glanced down at his blazer. "A peony, actually. Ms. Lilith recently added it to her staff's uniforms. She believes it will 'boost morale,' as she put it."

"Oh." Shawn shouldn't have kicked himself mentally for the mistake. The flower shop kid in him has been dead and gone for a while, anyway.

The further Charles led them into the mansion, the more pink there was. There were also workers moving equipment, tables, and chairs in and out of the vicinity. The party wasn't for another couple of days.

Finally, they stopped in one of the many pastel pink sitting rooms, and even that wasn't empty. Again, white walls, pink furniture. Giant, sparkling chandelier. There was a grand piano (you already know what color) and a girl sitting at the stool with her back to the others, playing a classical song.

Shawn's heart went fast and slow at the same time. This girl was decked out in a black pantsuit and had long dark hair cascading down her back. Even though she was sitting down, Shawn could determine that she was just the right height. There's no fucking way…

"Ms. Adair," Charles politely called from the entrance.

Oh. There really is no fucking way.

The girl turned her head as she kept playing, revealing a pale face, high cheeks, and a strong jawline. Shawn's insides relaxed completely, but also went slightly heavy with disappointment.

"Is Ms. Lilith ready?" Charles asked, voice going softer upon making eye contact.

Ms. Adair's dark eyes flickered over to Shawn. She stopped the classical piece she was playing and instead played the last few notes of Memories. Shawn didn't know how to feel about this.

"Sapphire had a last minute visitor," she finally said as she stood up, her voice even, professional, and very British. She stepped towards the group, her stilettos clacking on the floor. She was honestly really beautiful. She looked nothing like the woman Shawn was thinking of, but Katherine’s neutral expression was uncanny.

"A visitor?" Charles repeated. "Has Mr. Doyle returned once again?"

"I'm not authorized to give specifics but-" Ms. Adair pointed to the ceiling just as a loud bang came from there. Some debris sprinkled down in the space separating her from the group.

Shawn, Brian, and Andrew were equally put off by this, while the two staff members were unfazed. There were several other bangs following, causing more debris to sprinkle down onto the floor.

"I was asked to fill in for her. My name is Katherine Adair, personal assistant to Sapphire Venus Lilith."

"Ah, you're the one I spoke to on the phone," Andrew said, holding out his hand to shake hers.

However, she turned and walked through the other entrance. "If you'll follow me, we will go over to the garden, where the entertainment will take place."

Andrew mostly spoke to her, asking all the questions that Shawn seemed to forget the moment he laid eyes on Ms. Adair. He usually spoke and brainstormed ideas for how the set would look, but his stomach was flipping. He doesn’t have a type, does he? He wouldn’t be putty in the hands of a girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and dark clothes, would he?

He wouldn’t, because Ms. Adair was very uptight and professional. She remained stone faced when Andrew cracked a joke. They just flew over her head, or maybe she understood them and just chose not to emote. She just let an awkward silence take over until Andrew stuck to the topic at hand.

“So, Ms. Adair, where will the stage be?” he asked.

“This way,” she said, leading them through some French doors and out to the yard. “And please, call me Katherine.”

“Kat?” Shawn tried.

Her dark eyes went over to his. She quirked her eyebrows and said nothing, reminding him too much of-

Brian nudged his friend’s arm as they walked outside. He gave Shawn that look. This girl is hot as fuck. At least that’s probably what Brian thought. Shawn was busy watching Katherine’s general body language.

She stood up straight at all times, her chin up with confidence. She had the same neutral, almost cold look on her face. Speaking of her face, it was white. Very white. The pink blush on her cheeks only emphasized it. But she was still practically flawless. She pursed her lips when she thought about a question Andrew asked her, nearly smoldering. Her eyes were alert when she was spoken to, but something about them seemed different. Did she even blink? She was serious, but not too serious if she gave some type of reaction to Shawn’s nickname for her.

Katherine gestured to the big grassy yard, where the stage was yet to be built. There were workers running around like busy bees, moving around speakers and pink party decorations.

“The set needs to be at most, an hour,” she said, “because after that, we have acrobats coming in, as well as some firebreathers.”

“Wow,” Shawn said, “she’s really going all out, eh?”

“Sapphire does as Sapphire pleases,” Katherine confirmed.

“Are we gonna get to meet the birthday girl anytime soon?” Brian asked, sounding eager.

Katherine checked the time on her black iPhone. “Not until the party, I’m afraid. Oh, and she did want me to inform you all that you are more than welcome to stay and enjoy the party after the set.”

Brian and Shawn shared excited glances. Anytime there was a chance to party, they ran with it. Keeps them young.

“Excellent, I just have to make a phone call,” Andrew said, typing on his phone. He walked in a random direction and pressed the device to his ear.

Katherine turned to the other two boys. “Is there anything I can get for you two? Anymore refreshments, perhaps?”

Shawn looked at the pink lemonade in his hand. He hadn’t even drank it yet. “No thank you. This is fine.”

“Everything is fine,” Brian added.

“How long have you been working here?” Shawn asked her.

“Nine years,” she replied shortly.

“Live nearby?”

“Closer than you can imagine.”

“Is your place pink too?” Brian asked with a chuckle.

Katherine said nothing, only blinking before changing the subject. “Sapphire is very excited for you to be here, Mr. Mendes. You’re one of her favorite singers.”

“Oh, thank you,” Shawn said. “And call me Shawn.”

“Shawnie?” she tried, quirking her eyebrows once again.

He grinned. “You can call me whatever you want.”

~

Shawn wasn’t always the one being pinned against the wall, but Kat was apparently very strong. She was able to reach his height in her stilettos as she hungrily pressed her lips against his. Shawn was already too hot and bothered to notice how cold she was, and he was too busy trying to wrangle his hands free so he could pin her to the hotel room wall.

It was a blur of heat and panting and kissing before Shawn was down to his boxers underneath her, while she was in just a pair of black panties. His hands felt up her thighs, her stomach, and her breasts with fervor.

“You’re fucking freezing,” he said, running his hands over whatever skin he could reach.

Kat hummed as she took his hand from her collarbone. She looked him in the eye as she wrapped her plump, wine colored lips around the tips of his fingers. Her mouth was nowhere near as cold as her body. Warm, soft, inviting… Shawn let out a slow breath, feeling it all the way down in his groin.

She used her mouth on him, practically begging for him to move his hips as well, only intensifying the feel. Kat was relentless, kept going until Shawn was whimpering and coming hard in her mouth. She even insisted that Shawn didn’t have to return the favor. He probably wouldn’t have been able to muster up the energy if he tried. His whole being was just sucked out through his-

“Let me hold you, I’ll keep you warm,” he mumbled as Kat lied down next to him.

“Or maybe I’ll make you cold,” she replied as she moved closer to him. She nuzzled into his side like it was second nature. “I had fun, did you?”

“Yeah,” Shawn sleepily hummed. Not even the chills of Kat’s skin kept him from dozing off.

She was in the exact same position when he woke up. Not a hair on Kat’s head was out of place, her hand was still open on his chest, and her legs were still tangled around his. Shawn didn’t even feel her toss or turn while they slept. In his experience, the one night stand would eventually turn away from him completely, already unconsciously showing their disinterest.

Oh, and Kat was wide awake by the time he started stirring. She picked her head up, dark eyes alert.

“You need anything from me, honey?” he asked as he stretched his legs from the position he was in. Despite what Kat had told him, he wanted another taste of her.

She shook her head. “I only wish to please you.”

He grinned. “It’ll please me if you let me, I don’t know, go down on you?” He left it as an offer, giving her the chance to accept or deny.

Kat returned the smile, revealing a tiny dimple in her cheek. It was a very cute dimple. “What if… you guide me?”

It got Shawn all hot and bothered again, so he accepted. Kat lied on her back and obeyed every touch and caress that was commanded until she was moaning and writhing on top of the sheets. Shawn had his hand in his underwear as he watched, and he tired himself out yet again, and knocked out.

He didn’t know the amount of stamina Kat had. Shawn wouldn’t remember the hickeys he left on her skin because they would be gone the very next day. The only thing he would remember was just how goddamn cold her skin was.

next chapter

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taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @justordinaryjen @chillingbythesea @iloveshawnieboi @shawnsunflower @someoneunimportantxx

[gontagokuhara]

you should tell us abt ur fangan kids!

ive been meaning to answer this but itz long so i wanted to put it under a cut!!

hibiki (he/they) is the ultimate demolitionist! i cant draw but his design and whole aesthetic is literally just. minecraft creepercore. they’re 4′10″, they wear full-eye black contacts bc Crepper Aesthetic, and he just. likes to blow shit up. he’s the rival in my group killing game and i love him SO much

yuri (he/him) is 100% my kinnie oc as the ultimate camp counselor. despite being very good at what he does (duh), he hates it. the responsibility of having to maintain the fun and safety of a bunch of kids is shaving years off his lifespan. and, amazingly for him, he immediately gets assigned Group Dad against his will during the killing game. he also carries at least four fanny packs at all times, each containing snacks and capri suns, first aid supplies, arts and craft supplies, and a fucking tazer (which he usually threatens to use against hibiki). 

kimi (she/her) is the ultimate candy maker! her entire aesthetic is cotton candy, in which her hair is dyed blue and pink, she likes soft, puffy clothing, and she’s just a really sweet (ha) person in general! she gets along with most all of her classmates bar a few. she has lesbian disease also

miyah (she/her) is the ultimate witch, which sounds really cool, until she opens her mouth and you realize she’s the crystal-wielding, essential oil-drinking, anti vax queen you were warned about. she’s very sweet and very soft spoken, and genuinely tries to be kind to everyone, but she’s very much a you love her or hate her kind of personality.

koya (they/them) is the ultimate swashbuckler! swashbucklers are a hero archetype defined by flamboyant movement, sword-wielding, chivalry, and daring adventures. koya is a sea-faring spirit, and they fill their time in the killing game enthralling the others with stories of grandeur and convincing all of their classmates that they are a legit pirate. koya is a liar, they exaggerate…a lot, but their intentions are not malicious and their tales just come out a bit more romantic than they actually happened. they’re very charming and laid back, and they’re definitely the sort of heartthrob character that everyone wants to smooch. 

chieko (they/them) is the ultimate girl gang leader, and they are also ultimate lesbian. they’re sort of isolated from the rest of the group due to their talent being considered scary, and their very intense and intimidating appearance and personality. they’re major concern is to escape the killing game and find their way back to their girls (they say as much, which makes everyone VERY suspicious!) but they wouldnt hurt anyone and they end up becoming best friends with yuri and masako (who i’ve lovingly dubbed the parent squad of this class)

speaking of masako (she/they), she is the ultimate investigative journalist, and this killing game’s trial helper! she is very well traveled, and takes what she does very seriously. they are completely and utterly devoted to the truth, good or bad, they will find the truth. they absolutely detest koya for this reason; even little lies absolutely grind masako’s gears. she also is very distrustful, and she doesn’t trust anyone at the onset of the killing game. it takes her a long time to warm up enough to the protag to share her findings during investigations, and she often comes across as somewhat of a rival during trials due to her critical nature and the way she very blatantly does not trust those around her. nevertheless, later on she is (against her will) forced into the Parent Squad with chieko and yuri, and though she doesn’t trust anyone else, she will do everything in her power to keep more killings from happening. 

daichi (he/him) is the ultimate superhero, and he was the first dr oc i actually made!! he’s very much a pretty boy (fluffy blonde hair, pink eyes, freckles, he’s just Cute) and he and hibiki start dating during the killing game! he’s sort of a bastard and won’t give anyone a straight answer on what his superpowers actually are, but despite his kind, cheeky nature, he feels a deep sense of responsibility and guilt over not being able to do anything about the killing game. he is one of the more likely people to go snooping for the mastermind, and he’s gotten in physical fights more than once with people he deems suspicious. 

hirohito (he/him) is the ultimate joggler and he’s the greatest character of all time. what is joggling, you ask? don’t worry, he’ll tell you. i came across this while looking for talent ideas, and i laughed so hard i cried when i conceptualized this fiend. he’s very much the token joke character, he’s a hot head, and he’s kind of a dick, but the idea of hope’s peak allowing the ultimate person who can juggle and jog at the same time into their doors is just too hilarious to pass up. protag joggler 4 life

speaking of people who are kind of dicks, meet yuuto (he/him), the ultimate dancer. he’s such a hot head. he hates the most of his classmates out of any other character, including the mastermind. he’s dating the protag, who is one of like…four people he actually likes in his class. yuuto takes his talent very seriously, and spends hours every day working to maintain his status as the best of the best. his talent comes before everything else (or, at least, it did), but if his talent comes first, then the people he cares about take up every other place on the list. he doesn’t tolerate many people, but those he does, he is fiercely loyal towards. he would kill and die for the people he cares about. he is 5′2″ of pure kickass, and he will throw everything he has into defending the people he loves. i lvoe him.

michiko (she/her) is the ultimate influencer (yeah. i know). she’s an internet personality who has followings on instagram, twitter, youtube, tiktok, et cetera. she is also one of my earlier oc designs, and i’m kind of attached to her lol. she’s very naturally magnetic and has a lot of friends among her classmates, but she does have a tendency to get hung up on things like follower counts, conventional beauty, and wealth. she has a huge (mutual!) crush on koya, she’s best friends with hibiki, and she has an intense fear of swimming pools (her hair is dyed, and chlorine is way bad for dyed hair)

leeanne (she/her) is the only non-japanese character, and i. she’s a mess. she’s the ultimate theatre kid, and she’s basically every broadway tumblr user when h*milton was super popular. she complains about musical bootlegs, becries her classmates for not knowing anything about the musicals she stans, and she’s just. lord. obviously she’s a joke character, and she’s honestly a caricature of the kind of shit i got up to (to a degree! don’t call me out sdkjdsjbd) when i was 15 years old. suffice to say, none of her classmates like her very much

tomoya (he/him) is the obligatory ultimate ???, and also our trial ruiner! he earns the distrust of his entire class by keeping his talent a secret and then having it revealed by masako, and as a result he is very outcasted and lonely among his peers. he’s a naturally very reserved person, and his situation lends him to feeling very lonely. most of the class suspect him to be the mastermind – whether they’re right or not, only time will tell. 

katsumi (she/her) is 1/3 of what i’ve dubbed the Showbiz Squad as the ultimate pageant queen! she’s been participating in and winning beauty pageants since she was very young, and she’s won all the way up through the pageant ranks. as one would expect she’s very beautiful, and she’s also very bright and charismatic, which lends itself well to gaining allies in the killing game. she is by and large very fake, though, and she operates as a mini antagonist for various reasons. 

hikaru (he/him) is another third of the Showbiz Squad, as the ultimate game show host! he’s very ostentatious and charismatic; he’s always ‘on,’ always playing the gracious, enthusiastic host. there’s always a smile and a flashy, charming quip in his mouth, so he can wear very gratingly on the less enthusiastic and personable kids. he definitely would be a tumblr sexyman if he were an actual dr character {sweating emoji]. despite the crowd he seems to gather wherever he goes, no one knows much about him; and he likes to keep it that way. 

and finally, the last third of the Showbiz Squad, and also the protagonist: hachi (he/they), the ultimate child star! as their talent would indicate, hachi was a child star, and he absolutely detests the showbusiness world as a result. he really dislike pretty much…everyone who represents that part of his past (katsumi, hikaru, and michiko are prime examples) and his least favorite thing is getting the question: “omg where you in ___?” they’re very emotionally and physically fatigued by all the bullshit going on around them, so they come across as fairly apathetic to most people. but in actuality, hachi is someone who craves stability and kindness, and their extremely blunt, extremely annoyed exterior hides a very soft, compassionate interior. i absolutely adore this character :D

and umm thats it for my kids! i (for the most part?) have all of the killers/victims worked out, i have my mastermind all planned, but i’m still working on a setting/obligatory extra mono-creature/how this group falls within the dr canon. i love talking about these guys so if ur interest in them pwease send me asks/messages about them 🥺

[unproduciblesmackdown]

so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts. 

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

[lunebinnie]

(1/14)I am so sorry for taking so long! (I also had to spend a lot of time studying this week bc I had my first exam for my Anatomy Lab on Wednesday... And then we had our first exam for *Lecture* Thursday (which also was the day I had a bunch of powerpoints due for my very intimidating adviser...) and then I had to substitute teach all day Friday (and then I meant to respond sooner but I got so busy 😭) so yeah I completely understand about school getting in the way no worries abt it!)

And also sleeping in on a day off when you’ve been busy studying lately is completely valid hon 👌 I hope that your midterms go well and that you’re able to stay healthy and take care of yourself in the midst of preparing! (not that you wouldn’t, I just have a bad habit of neglecting things like healthy sleeping and eating habits when I get caught up studying, so hopefully you’re not like me in that way) And yeah me too! I mean on the one hand I understand *why* they have that limit

3)If u could just send as many as u want there would be so much more spam and ppl would definitely abuse that. But also?? Um? I have a chronic condition called ‘Can'tShuttheFuckUp-itis’? 🤷 This policy is so discriminatory towards people like me who suffer from this crippling condition! I feel oppressed honestly 🙄 tumblr rlly has something against ppl just trying to get to know each other huh? Lol, but at least now we know why it eats them I’ll be sure to try to prevent that in the future

4)And oh my gosh that’s so cool! I’m super jealous!! 😮 lol. I wish they hosted kpop nights at my local bar! 😭😭 But no, I’m here at my little state college in a little 2 mi2 town just under pop 5500 (and idek if that’s before or after counting college students) in the middle of the 'farm zone’ of my state. All we get is country night @Riley’s 😩 RIP. But ya I wish I had more ppl around me who were into kpop! So far I’ve only met 3 ppl who listen to it. One was that roommate I told you about

5)One is just a casual listener who isn’t really into 3rd gen groups and mostly just listens to Girl’s Generation but that’s valid, and one isn’t even rlly a fan of any groups in particular, she just puts the kpop station on when she studies bc she says she needs music but if it’s in English she gets distracted, lol And omg that is insane! $500?? And 5 copies of the same album? 😲 (Says the girl who’s been a Monbebe for a hot 2 months and has already bought three (3??) Monsta X T-shirts… 😂

6)in my defense tho one of them was only $10 bc it was Black Friday? And u can’t blame me, Hot Topic is my krypotonite lmao) but yeah I already feel guilty about spending 30+ dollars on one copy of an album (thx international shipping) That’s so wild. And yeah I don’t get why ppl feel the need go out of their way just to insult other ppl’s music taste. I’m also pretty self conscious abt sharing my music taste and obviously the way everyone around me talks abt kpop has made me even moreso now 🙃

7) I haven’t gotten into too many groups yet bc I’m trying to go slowly and focus on getting into one group at a time but I do have a long list of groups I plan on getting into eventually! NU'EST is one that I’ve heard some of their songs on my Spotify based on my listening history and they’re on the list haha 😂 And omg I feel really similarly about Got7! I tried to get into them after I got into Monsta X and right before I got into Astro and although I did really like some of their songs

8)I haven’t really been able to get into their music as much as MX and Astro’s yet. I do think they seem like a really fun group in terms of personality though. As for the comeback I know right?? I mean I know a lot of ppl were freaking out abt the comeback being a 'sexy’ and how it wasn’t gonna be the same cute Astro we all love anymore. But they filled the MV with flowers and glitter and still managed to make it sexy as fuck! This album has a very different vibe but it still felt like them

9) They managed to pull off a more mature and sexy concept while still staying true to themselves and I’m so here for it! I don’t know if I could really pick a favorite era because I love them all! I mean Spring Up was an excellent era and every era since then has been great. They really don’t know how to have any bad concepts or make any bad songs huh? Lol. Since I’m still pretty new I really love the title tracks since I’ve heard them the most. (I have listened to their full discography

10)But I haven’t listened to their Bsides enough to pick out my favorites from those) I also really love Again though! The first time I saw the dance practice I was super into it and then I looked up the lyrics and was like 'this is supposed to be sad/regretful song it has no reason to be this much of a BOP?!’ 😂 I have such a hard time picking favorites though. Since All Light is new though I actually have listened to it enough times to pick some 'non-title song favorites’ from there haha

11) Other than All Night (which is great, obvi) I also really like Starry Sky, Moonwalk and Role Play 😂 and Bloom is so pretty oh my god! 😭😭 the album is great and has no bad songs but those are the ones I particularly like. I feel u about the dances honestly. I think that’s actually what drew me to kpop initially. I mean I like listening to the songs ofc but it wasn’t until after I actually watched an MV/saw the choreography that I actually was like… Oh shit I’m gonna have to be a fan now

12) It was the visual aspect that really made me want to be a kpop fan bc I haven’t really seen that level of performance with any western music. Which isn’t to say I think all western music is bad but I think it’s really impressive to watch kpop groups singing and also doing really impressive choreography and performing at the same time. Plus that’s the part I can show my family and say 'even if you don’t like the music because of the language barrier you have to admit they’re talented dancers’

13)And yes! With Astro especially I think the dance practices rlly succinctly capture the reason why I love them so much. They are *super* talented but they also have such great chemistry and u can rlly tell that they just love each other and have so much fun together! I love a family of six hardworking dorks! 🤧💗 lol. And yeah it’s too bad that neither of are able to see them this cb ☹️ (I also did the 'hypothetically…’ research but it wouldn’t have worked out 😒) I hope you’re right though!

14)Hopefully the success of this comeback is the catalyst to Astro getting more of the attention they deserve and there will be many more opportunities to see them in the future! (Although it is too bad we won’t be able to see live performances from this cb, since it’s so pretty 😭 tho with their track record I’m sure future cb’s will be just as good lol) But what about you? Do you have any favorite songs from this cb in particular? Talk again soon! (I’ll try 2 b better @ responding 😭) -AHA

FUCKKK okay so after like a million years of midterms + 2 days straight of sleeping ya girl is BACK to answer these asks after getting through the hurdle of copying and pasting and italicizing 14 asks onto one response on my phone. Did I perhaps fail at least 3 of my midterms? Quite probably. Do I have the energy to care atm? No. Did I need to get away from everything and fly to Boston to visit my friend for reading week? Yes.

How did all your exams go? That sounds crazy though! I hope you got through everything ok!

Tbh I have the same unhealthy habits too, I essentially became nocturnal and lived on like one meal a day + snacks and coffee 😭 fr, I would be writing my midterm from 11:30-1:30, go home to eat, sleep from 4-7pm, then wake up to study all night for the next one, and repeat,,,,, I’m like an actual mess tbh

Honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed the Aroha secret admirer thing (it was sooo nice getting to meet new people) rn I’m just so glad that post-reveal we don’t have to deal with tumblr ask limits and writing entire essay responses all in one go.

Honestly 3 shirts isn’t even THAT bad especially if they weren’t all like ordered from overseas so they wouldn’t have been that expensive. When I went to the Myeongdong underground shopping centre I went craaaazy with Kpop merch despite stanning (at that point, pretty much only) BTS for a whole 3 weeks, so I ended up coming back with 2 albums, a bunch of stickers, a photocard pack (also bonus: got an Astro one too) and like a BUNCH of bt21 stuff. Speaking of, my All Light album finally came in!! I ended up getting a Moonbin, MJ, Jinjin, and Sanha photocard plus the a Rocky lyric booklet and ik I basically got THE best set for someone who loves all of them w my whole heart 😩✊ but I’m still sad I didn’t get any Eunwoo cards since he was my first Astro bias 😭 it’s soooooo pretty I love it sm and like lowkey I’ll probably end up buying more of their albums anyway oopsss

Speaking of Monsta X btw, I heard their new song and I thought it was really good! What did you think of it?

Regarding favourite songs, I swear my moods change so much, so it’s pretty common for me to not love a song at first and sort of rediscover it months later, and tbh that’s kind of what happened with Innocent Love, Baby, and Again. In this album though, I’d say my favourite Bsides are probably be Bloom, 1 in a Million, and Heart Brew Love.

And I toootally agree with the performance aspect of kpop being the thing to attract me it, even before I got really into it I’d sometime like to watch dance practices (and lowkey even learned a bunch of choreos a with my friend last term just bc we had access to a frequently empty dance studio). It’s just super impressive to see people singing and dancing at the same time mostly live, and for the same reasons I’m also super into musicals as well, which isn’t so say I think like lip syncing or just dancing/singing is bad, it’s just refreshing to see it done all at once, you know?

Also side story it turns out that I actually DO know another Astro fan irl!! Her older sister (who I’m closer to bc we’re closer in age) is the one who bought the million got7 albums. Even though she’s been a fan of Astro since before debut, her sister doesn’t even know she listens to kpop since she was afraid of getting roasted at first, but now she’s in too deep to say anything. I’d mentioned liking Astro to her before, but she didn’t say anything bc she didn’t want to expose herself in front of her sister but on Friday I saw her while her sister was out and she was like “oh btw here’s a secret I went to the Toronto fanmeet last year but my sister doesn’t know” I was SHOOK but tbh I’m just super glad now to have someone to talk about it and go to concerts with (I’m banking on the fact that they’re coming back)

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for waiting 2747287482 million years for my response, and it was so great to finally (officially) meet you Kjersten!

@kaptain-k-pop

[depresseddepot]

Okay im adding the rest of my glory liveblogging under the cut so i don't have to keep making more posts lol

God everyone in this show is so fucked up. Yeon jin kissing jae jun SECONDS after he strangled her and also jae jun showing up to father day (or whatever its called, idk i never had those) with do yeong RIGHT THERE AUGSHSJJAJA don't listen to them do yeong i would treat you and your money right

do yeong clearly getting pissed abt the way jae jun talks about dong eun IS SO HOT AND STUPID honey you are an old married man with a 1st grader, is now really the time to be getting jealous about your one sided emotional affair. but also its hot. (whats that phrase? hate to see you go but love to watch you walk away? idk i think this is improper usage) this is now the second "hot old sad married business man that was cheated on but also had his own emotional affair BEFORE he realized he was being cheated on" on my list of rotating men

god GOD WAIT the way all of her bullies are swearing "ill do anything you say. i swear ill follow you until you die" THE METAPHORS. THE METAPHORS OUGHGGHHG

DO YEONG PLAYING VERY LOUD CLASSICAL MUSIC IN HIS CAR SO THAT HIS DAUGHTER DOESN'T HERE HIM CONFRONT JAE JUN. HQGSJSJSJJSS ALL OF THE MEN IN THIS SHOW ARE DIFFERENT KINDS OF FUCKED UP

soft spoken carefully dressed married businessmen aggressively confronting the people bothering their emotional affair-ees (GOD MY TYPE IS SO WEIRD AND UNOBTAINABLE AHGSHZJAKNAS)

nothing and i mean NOTHING will outweigh the fucking ECSTASY i felt watching park dong hoon beat threaten and beat the shit out of that loan shark in my mister. ive got goosebumps just THINKING ABT IT AAAAAAA

sorry my edible just kicked in

do yeong please. i am begging you. just one chance just ONE

man this show is fucked up. the way jae jun doesn't seem like a terrible awful person at first bc you don't see him physical abuse dong eun but then you watch his character reveal more and more how fucked up he really is and it just shows how men like that never really grow out of it unless they're fucking called out on it

Oh dong eun. honey i am holding you (a woman capable of murder) so gently in my hands. they're all fucked up but jae jun and yeon jin in particular and the way they look at you (the camera) hits a little too close to home

God it is so hard to type under the influence i get so stupidly dizzy

i wonder if do yeong is going to be angrier with dong eun for using him or his wife for lying and cheating? Bc every time I think he's clearly over dong eun he says something that makes me think he intends to defend her or something

noooooo old man stay loyal to your emotional affair 🤡

I CAN BARELY TYPE THIS IK SO EXCITED. YEO JEONG AND DO YEONG IN THE SAME ROOM. EVIL DOCTOR MEETS SAD LONELY BUSINESSMAN

"you need to get up close and personal so you feel it as you go in" i have been so horribly obsessed with love for so long that my taste in men has soured. what is it about these crazy dangerous MANIACS THAT HAS ME SO PUFFED UP. KÖNIG AND GHOST AND NOW YEO JEONG. god the barely contained unhinged violence in his eyes. also is his meeting w do yeong genuinely like an accident??

oh my god. oh my god. YEO JEONG HAS SEEN DONG EUNS ROOM WITH ALL THE PICTYRESWTAPED TO THE WALL AND HE WAS LIKE "yeah okay. secretly i like this and also sure lets have casual domestic hang outs while we talk about damning the people from your past"

THE MEETING WAS ORCHESTRATED. HE'S PLAYING HIS PART AS A PAWN SO EAGERLY "i was annoyed he was cooler than me" sorry. id like to be sandwiched inbetween you two and also dong eun

do yeong is so easily convinced when a pretty slightly dangerous woman looks threateningly in his eyes without wavering AT ALL

yeo jeong, uncomfortable at the sudden mention of illegal violet child abuse: so. uh. how frequently do you wash your sheets

HAGAJJSJABABA ALSO YEO JEONG after being prompted abt his murdery daydreams from a girl planning on being a murderer (i assume): um. can i persuade you to ask me something else?

Also dong eun the whole show is like " 👁👁 "

IM SORRY. THE MAN WHO MURDERED YEO JEONGS DAD WROTE HIM LETTERS DESCRIBING THE MURDER FOR LITERALLY THAT WHOLE TIME

"so your poor son went to hell after all, huh?"

WAIT DONG EUN IS TRIGGERED BY THE SOUND OF SIZZLING AND THAT SOUND RELAXES YEO JEONG. THE METAPHORSSSS

dong eun living literally across the street from yeon jin will also never not be funny

YEON JIN FINDING DONG EUNS ROOM WHILE THE HEAVY METAL PLAYS. YESSSSSS

OH LORD THE HEAVY METAL WHILE YEO JEONG WALKS THREATINGLY INTO A MORGUE. GOD HELP ME. THE GLOVES. also something about a doctor being in the hospital they work at in casual clothes. hot

yeo jeong i would die for you. and i think you would end up being the cause

DO YEONG IN DONG EUNS BEDROOM?????? Oh the parallels

IS THAT THE ENDING

THATS IT????????????????????????????? NO BABY I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW

part 2 coming march 2023. O have to stay alive until march 2023

NOOOOOO IT CAN'T BE OVER I WAS JUST GETTING SO FUCKING EXCITED

noooooo NOOOOO ugh. god damn it how am i supposed to know if do yeong is there to confront his wife or if he's there to protect her!!!!!! NOOO I NEED TO KNOW HOW MURDERY YEO JEONG IS

Edit literally 2 hours later: bro I CANNOT stop thinking about yeo jeong. I have a huge fucking problem. whats that post thats category 5 autism event or something bc i am going through it

I NEED MORE. I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW

something about yeo jeong drives me fucking crazy bro i cant stop thinking about the scene with him gently skimming his fingertips over his scalpels as they slowly get bigger and turn into knives of more and more lethality

The way he described stabbing someone to do yeong. good god these insane men are making ME INSANE TOO

god. christ. i can't handle it. hes so sweet looking but the way the actor immediately shifts into the dead eyed dangerous side of him was so masterfully done

oughghhhh i have to rewatch it RIGHT NOW OR ILL DIE I THINK

[tofusoups]

omg ur so valid i'm the same i've only actually consistently listened to svt ever since i started listening to kpop LOL. my first mv was mansae too,, just a year later lmaooo. also like u i saw my boy (jeonghan) fell in love n he's still my bias to this day but now i am also dino biased too 🤩 the fact that u got into him from his mushroom hair is so funny omg oh another svt q! what’s ur fave song/era of theirs :0 mm also what other artists do u like! oh n also thoughts on their cb? (1/3)

also yeah i think when i did the age range thing last time i kept it as any age n my anon n the person i anoned for were nice i liked them a lot but like.. it's not the same as doing it w someone the age u know? also the amt of parallels we have is so funny my carat anon last time didn’t reveal themselves either LOL i promise i will reveal myself though i got u 😌 ur art is amazing omg i was honestly shocked urs was literally identical to the ref i would not b able to tell them apart (2/3)

i’m so excited for u i will be cheering u on if u do get around to drawing this summer 🤩 omg pls i will b so excited if u draw me Anything i will treasure it forever 😭 also pls don’t worry abt talking too much i have the same problem i wrote like. a whole essay back to my anon’s one ask n it was literally just one question ;;;; (also a little obvious since i have 2 literally split this up into 3 pts omfg…) (3/3) - carat anon (should b fine i think? or maybe 🍊 bc i love oranges LOL)

this is gonna be long BHSJBJF hope u enjoy my 🍊 🥺

OK the fact we have sm in common <3 helllooo im so excited to talk to u more seriously!!! T_T thats so funny tho lmfaoo yeah like i listen to other groups sometimes but ive never gotten into them as much as 17 like... ive been phasing out of being a “kpop stan” (that sounds so funny) for a bit, like im definitely not as big of a fan as i was at like... 15 LMAO i was cray zee.... anyways my POINT is that even tho im not into kpop as much anymore 17 will literally always be there for me like ill see a photo of a member and b like.. “oh.... right i love these boys so much 🥺 AND their songs bang...” and relisten to like ... boys be or going seventeen.

JEONGHANNN !!! jeonghan in mansae was a cultural reset like him n mingyus hair i loved the most in mansae.... i really miss his long hair tbh im always annoyed thinking about how he never has longer hair bc of all the fans being weird and making him out to be a mom (or just making him more feminine bc he had the hair) like stop <3 thanks! whats ur fave looks of his? like eras or styles that rlly stuck w u :O also dino? a king a legend in every way he really is the future of kpop as carats are saying lately... 

hmm my fave eras of 17.. i feel like i tend to like the older eras bc i got into them at that time.. n i think their songs were better tbh 😌 Boys be has a big place in my heart bc it was my first kpop album n i got it for my birthday, i remember listening to mansae on my ride to school every day like it really was such a big part of my life its crazy kinda reflecting on it rn u know...🥺 i also really love pretty u + aju nice  bc that was the era i Witnessed? like i watched the live performance of pretty u with my friend n we were both crying akjdkajdks. other than that i loved going seventeen era AND oh my ... i kinda fell out of 17 after clap/teen, age bc i just wasnt interested in much of the music anymore.... but then oh my/YMMD happened and rocked my world <3 

i literally listed like 4 eras omfg. i cannot choose one im sorry KJDKSFKSFHA 😭

hmm other artists as in like kpop or in general? for kpop idk i listen to loona sometimes... NCT day6.. a lot more kindie like hyukoh and adoy! in general i listen mainly indie/alt and R&B, if u want i can show u some of my recent playlists ^__^ id love to see some music ur into as well (kpop or nonkpop :] ) 

i havent really listened to their CB LMAOOO im a fake carat... i mean i know left and right bc of all the vids baha and i just watched it randomly the morning it released but other than that idk much!! i do like the look of this one it kinda reminds me their An Ode era? what did u think of the CB? do u have any songs u rec from the album??

n OMG stop why am i excited for u to reveal urself hehe!! ok ik i was sad i didnt get to see my anon reveal themselves but i also didnt reveal myself to the person i was sending anons to KSJKFSF i kinda forgot to send asks. and they were also a kpop fic blog and not to b rude but i wasnt into that... sdkjjfk 

and thank u so much that means a lot T_T i do enjoy drawing w refs bc i feel like i can focus on the colors and understand anatomy and light a bit more... but i wanna try doing freehand to strengthen my style too ToT

N LMFAOOO no its totally fine i enjoy the multiple asks but im realizing how long this reply is im SO sorry ... this is longer than some of the essays i wrote in school <3 fjskajfdksfhk

[jelly-omelette]

Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw