#i feel like there's meta to be written about this but damn not by me. my brain is empty i just know this is Meaningful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nightcolorz · 3 months

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I would love to hear your thoughts on autistic Armand, if you haven’t already spoke about this! Imo he’s very autsitic coded, and it’s very precious to me as an autistic iwtv fan :]

OMG!!! RUNS AROUND. Yes lmao I talk about this a lot actually it is one of my favorite Armand things to meta about bcus I’m also autistic and he is my special interest🙏I was trying to find some of the stuff I’ve written about autistic Armand but tumblrs search engine makes it near impossible to find anything so I gave up 😭, but believe me they r out there. Even tho I talk about this a lot I would love love love to talk about it some more for u anon because I can never get enough of armandtism.

I first figured Armand was autistic when I was reading the vampire Lestat because when he is first introduced he is completely non verbal and only communicates through the mind gift. through further explanation it’s very much implied that he does this because he finds putting his thoughts into words hard and he considers just projecting them into peoples brains much easier. Armand speaks out loud for the first time like more than halfway through the book, and lestat is surprised to hear him lol. This is super autistic I feel like that’s obvious 🙏 it’s basically the vampire power equivalent of using a non verbal communication device. Armand having trouble with connecting with people, understanding how to “fit in”, and talking r prevailing parts of his character throughout the whole series (not just tvl) which solidified my headcanon into basically a canon fact in my mind lol.

When Armand is first introduced in iwtv his strangeness is chalked up to his vampirism, but it’s soon revealed throughout tvl and qotd that Armand is considered a strange outcast by other vampires. The things he struggles with r unique to him and r not representative of vampires in general. His otherness/strangeness can also not be chalked up to his trauma or his age turned because Armand was also an outcast as a young child. It’s described in the vampire Armand that Armand was not understood by his parents or his community because he was obsessed with and freakishly good at painting. His community interprets his unusualness as a sign of some divine intervention, the priests believe he is a saint or a prophet sent to earth, even at times saying things implying that he is “not human”. Unusually high quickly developing skill in childhood is an autistic trait, as is hyper fixation on an activity/topic that becomes a core identity factor and prevailing obsession. The affects of Armand’s trauma only worsen the severity of his autistic traits. C-ptsd and autism often overlap and coexist in autistic people who were traumatized in childhood, which seems to be Armand’s case.

in queen of the damned Armand is at his peak autistic lol, I feel like this is when most book readers gain that head canon. The Devils minion chapter revolves around Armand using Daniel as a guide to help him learn how to be “normal” and to blend in to the modern age. Armand can’t seem to figure out how to blend in on his own because he is unable to understand social norms of any time period enough to integrate himself into society. Armand is in love with technology and what most would consider monotonous sensory experiences. He stares at his own reflection for hours, he loves kitchen appliances and watching ingredients whir in blenders, cameras, he watches the same movie over and over again and never gets bored of it. The way Armand fixates on technology really reminds me of how a lot of autistic people played as children. He enjoys repetitive, sensory behaviors over “fun”. For Armand this means watching the same things repeatedly, which is a form of visual stimming. There r moments where Armand is trying to understand his world, but is so blind to what he is trying to understand that he goes about his discoveries wrong. Such as in qotd when he tries to interrogate strangers to gain information on societal norms but he only gets uncomfortable glances. Armand is desperate to understand and to connect but he is consistently inherently alienated, whether it be from humanity or from other vampires or from himself.

Armand also can not process his memories comprehendingly. This is part trauma part autism, but autism is def a factor. Because of his repressed trauma induced memory loss Armand finds it difficult to talk about himself to people. This is worsened by Armand being unable to comprehend the aspects of story telling that he needs to be able to tell people about his life. Armand explains to Daniel that he vividly remembers small details, such as dates and weather, but he could not tell Daniel what “things were like” because he “doesn’t know what that means”. Literal thinking, the inability to grasp vague, fiction based concepts like narratives and metaphor, and strict fixation on minor details like numbers, are all autistic traits!

Armand also struggles heavily with emotional regulation. He is described as often having intense and extreme meltdowns where he cries and screams and breaks things. Armand is easily bothered, in tva he mentions that he covers his ears when he is overwhelmed. The vampire Armand begins actually with Armand becoming overwhelmed in public and trying to escape to an attic so that he can be alone in silence. Armand copes with his intense emotions by putting on a mask of neutrality. He is often described as expressionless and blank, uncanny. But this is a mask, and when Armand can no longer mask and his disguise lapses his facial expressions r described by lestat as being so over the top and emotional that they are disturbing and weird. Over the top unnatural facial expressions as well as blank unreadable ones are both autistic traits. For Armand he is naturally overly emotive to the point of being considered horrifying, and he hides this by taking the opposite extreme. Either way, either expression Armand puts on causes him to be socially outcast.

Armand often describes feeling like there is something wrong with him that causes him to be isolated from others and he’s not sure what it is. In prince lestat he tells Gregory that he doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to have relationships when other vampires are fully capable of doing that. In the vampire Armand he explains to David that he’s crazy because his mind isn’t built right and his senses are tripled so he shouldn’t bother trying to understand him. I rlly relate to this as someone who felt like I was from another dimension as a child bcus i didn’t know the unspoken life rules everyone else did.

Armand is often treated like a child by the other vampires and assumed to be emotionally immature and too fragile and insane to be helpful. Armand says in the vampire Armand that he doesn’t consider himself an adult because he can’t function like one. This could be due to the age he was turned, but it’s shown to us that characters like Benji and even to an extent Claudia r able to self regulate and function appropriately despite being turned even younger then Armand was.

in conclusion, book Armand is an autistic person who was never given proper support or understanding because the environment and the time period he was born in decided to alienate him further rather then work to help him socialize and learn appropriate skills, and because of the necessities he has been deprived of and the horrible trauma he endured Armand is never able to learn to function in the way he was likely capable of. this recessive quality in pair with his autism caused Armand it be unable to cope or self regulate or learn ways to understand himself since he wasn’t given a chance to in his formative years. He’s a great representative of what many autistic people who experienced intense child abuse experience.

Im rlly happy with the shows portrayal with Armand so far partly because he is omg, so autistic. Show Armand shares so many of book Armand’s autistic traits. inability to understand himself or others, fixation on small details but inability to understand the big picture, etc. even his iPad is autistic asf! My ipad is my comfort item that I carry around with me to self sooth, and this is def the vibe Armand’s iPad gives me in the show. Even assads performance is autistic! He is able to play Armand masking and Armand unmasking, the stilted expressions he gives and the blank stares, the uncomprehending earnestness. AGHHHH!! Assad stims with his fingers when Armand is nervous too which is just an amazing touch. I hope the show explores Armand’s autism, because that would literally be a dream come true. Even still, for now I’m satisfied.

thank u so so much anon for the ask this made me so happy 🙏❤️ autistic Armand means so much to me and has gotten me though some tough times. Understanding and analyzing Armand helps me understand myself better and feel more comfortable with how I am. Earlier this year I gave myself a concussion because I was harmfully stimming during a meltdown, and while I was in the emergency room I was holding the vampire Armand and imaging that he would relate to what I was going through. So yeah he is very special to me too! And once again it makes me so so happy that u got me to talk some about it. I hope this was coherent or interesting lol I felt like I was all over the place

#tvc #the vampire chronicles #armand #vampire chronicles #vc #iwtv #interview with the vampire #amc iwtv #the vampire armand #Armand #armand iwtv #armand tvc #iwtv Armand #amc interview with the vampire #Armand le russe #vampire armand #The vampire lestat #Queen of the damned #the devils minion

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spenglernot · 11 months

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STORIES TELLING: NED LOWE AND THE DEATH OF POOR REPRESENTATION IN OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH

In history, Ned Lowe was one of the most sadistic and violent pirates in the early 18th century, so he’s an obvious choice for a villain for season 2, episode 6 – Calypso’s Birthday. What is interesting is what the OFMD writers chose to do with him.

Lowe announces himself to the crew of the Revenge with great fanfare (cannon ball attack) and gets right to the point.

Ed is thoroughly unimpressed.

Cut to Ed and Stede tied up while Ned attempts to set the mood so he can monologue about why he wants to kill Ed.

Ed knows what’s coming. He is going to suffer but he still can’t be arsed to meet Ned with anything but vaguely bored dismissiveness (and Stede is happy to play along).

Up on the deck, Ned prepares the crew for his big, dramatic moment of symphonic torture.

Note that the Revenge crew is tied down, braced by vices and generally unable to protect themselves from imminent torture and possible death, but their spirits are up. They don’t seem terribly fussed.

Then Stede uses his people positive management style to happily orchestrate a worker uprising in Ned’s crew.

Ned’s crew responds instantly; severing their allegiance to Lowe and telling him off.

The crew sails away and talks profit sharing while Ned dully threatens to hunt them down.

Ned is now a prisoner of the Revenge crew and seems entirely disinterested in his own survival.

And Ned sinks to the depths, without struggling at all.

There is a lot going on in this episode: pay and labor equity direct action, gay love engagement bliss, kink humor, Stede being a hero and saving his crew by playing to his strengths, then having to decide whether to kill in cold blood and feel the consequences of that choice. Ed having one more reason to be done with piracy (while being so impressed with and fond of Stede), and then watching his man make a fraught choice and having to deal with the fallout from that. (And, damn, I haven’t even mentioned the passionate sex bit.) Anyway, back to the point.

Now for the the meta part

The Ned Lowe sequences are perfectly in keeping with OFMD’s signature blend of madcap violence, humor, and big emotional gut punches. But something about Ned Lowe just strikes me as off for this show.

Ned is seriously threatening the crews’ lives, so why don’t they take him seriously?

Why does Ned have such a boring, throwaway backstory?

Why is Ned so nonchalant about his own death; like it’s a foregone conclusion?

Why does Ned have a silver violin and silver spurs on his slip-on dress shoes?

Why is Ned sartorially monochromatic?

And then I realized who Ned reminds me of.

This guy,

Earnst Stavro Blofeld in the James Bond film Diamonds are Forever (1971)

And this guy,

Scar in Disney's The Lion King (1994).

And this guy,

Xerxes, 300 (2006).

And it sure seems like Ned Lowe isn’t just an episodic villain. He is an archetype of the one-dimensional, stereotypical queer-coded villain that has been endemic in film and television throughout history. The OFMD writers have a lot to say about what to do with this kind of character:

Don’t respect him.

Feel free to openly mock him.

Don’t let him take your joy, even though he will hurt you.

He won’t disappear on his own. You have to throw something at him (take action) to make him go away.

Once he’s in the water, he’s content to drown. He’s not into what he’s doing any more than you are.

Oh and, just to be clear,

The LGBTQIA+ community has a very long history of turning shit media into better stories. So, hey, big media, prepare to have your crap characters wrecked (improved).

Now, back to our transformative pirate show with rich, complex queer characters and a multi-layered plot that surprises me every week and makes me feel big feelings - most of all, joy.

Final thought: I do wonder if Ned Lowe is monochromatically silver as a tribute to/poke at, Hollywood and the silver screen.

This meta was written before OFMD season 2 has fully aired. No idea what’s going to happen in the finale (and I’ve generally fled social media to avoid spoilers). I’ll be back, looking at everyone’s fascinating posts after episode 8 airs.

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fillinforlater · 1 year

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Monday of Appreciation: Part 100

Hello everyone, Smite here!

100

Let's celebrate this big number and even bigger achievement with a massive a mount of stories that I have compiled over a bunch of weeks now. 10 in total by 9 writers including all kinds of idols (most are meta, sorrry (not sorry)).

However, first off, I want to say thank you to the interest in support this series has gathered. Thank you all very much for liking and reblogging and sometimes even commenting, it means the world to me. Most of the times, I regard this series as a big success.

I need to say it again though that this is the final regular MoA post. For 100 weeks straight I have gathered between 3 and 11 stories from our community, the only reason/motivation being: Appreciation to those that I really like and want to support. Sadly sometimes, MoA has been seen as something like an seal of approval or rather the "not-inclusion" as a seal of disapproval. This has never been the case or my intention.

With that said, MoA is not dead and will never be dead until I'm dead. New parts will randomly pop up and I will gush over another way idol X has been... written. Until then, stay awesome and feel free to go back to the older parts of this series.

These are the final 10 stories on the regular series of Monday of Appreciation:

-1-

@gangplanksorenji: Do you think you are forgiven? ft. Sakura

Reading smut like this and knowing it was written by Orenji of all people still makes my mind boggle. This is unfiltered smut, set up perfectly (especially with the homage to LSFM's latest comeback). All in all great, especially with the non-focus then back-focus on Sakura.

-2-

@coldfanbou: Culmination ft. Somi

This fic is the finale of the ultimate Somi-bimbo-self-sex-slave series. No, I'm serious, you couldn't go further if you wanted to. It also explains why OC is so hesitant to go after her. Also, NTR, but it's so over the top that it kinda flew under my radar. Somi's hotness is melting our minds, isn't it.

-3-

@lustspren: California Love ft. Soyeon, Minnie

The first time I saw these outfits, I kneeeew someone HAD to write a fic about them, either idol x idol or include an OC and oh boy, lustspren delivered. This has quite the excessive set up, all edging leading up to that hotel room scene that does it all justice. To say it with the words of Mister Smith: "That's hot."

-4-

@smuttysabina: Owning Aespa: Chapter 1 ft. aespa

Exquisite! Charming, funny and utterly drenched in lewdness while also shoving absurdity in your face the entire time. This perfectly encapsulates @smuttysabina's writing style. It's blunt yet still a bit teasing and I like how the descriptiveness is subtle enough to keep you on edge. Literally.

-5-

@ggidolsmuts: Xiaoting's Shouting ft. Xiaoting

This fic has a chinese version and though I cannot speak of the quality of that version, this one definitely has it. One of the many, many great stories you can find in Ddeun's masterlist. Damn, now I can't decide if I want an obedient plaything Xiaoting or a demanding loud Xiaoting (haha, Xiaothing or Loudting (I'm so funny (right?)))

-6-

@tothosewhoyearnforit: A Million Dollars ft. Karina

Ah, the great switch life. Though you might not have a million dollars (sadge), the ability to switch around your behavior to accommodate to your partners wants and needs in the moment... man that is everything. Okay, no, someone incredible hot like Karina, now that is everything. Just like the OC in the next story, I'd pay more than a million to get Karina.

-7-

@smuttysabina: Owning Aespa: Chapter 2 ft. Karina

Oh, look! It's the second chapter to the story we already had! This time we get the bouncy girl in the shower as she bravely strikes a deal with us. Will she succeed though? You better find out yourselves (no really, this will be in the test tomorrow).

-8-

@existslikepristin: Sowon's gig ft. Sowon

Sorry, ELP, I had to put a name on this hilarious mess of a fic. Maybe it does not really deserve a name, but I'm all for it to get one. Hell, even my name is terrible (at least it does not spoil the twist). So yeah, if y'all have like 29,4 seconds on your hand, this is the stuff for you. Damn, why do I love your writing so much?

-9-

@okaylikesmomo: Chapter 4: Sauna ft. Chaewon, Kazuha, Sakura

I love how unhinged this is if you ignore all the context and previous chapters. It makes me think if my multi-chapter series' feel this crazy if one just starts in the middle. Crazy or not, sex sex sex. Although it is okay (writing) sex, neither the writing nor the sex are just 'okay'. LSFM really is that hot and makes us crave for more steamy sex sex sex. What a mess (-.-).

-10-

@iznsfw: Above the law, (under you) ft. Tzuyu

What else can I say except: IZ GOAT?! I guess so, every angle, idea, set up and kink this incredible qt has written has worked flawlessly. I rule that you are guilty of being way too fucking good at this and sentence you to write more sentences to make your sentence longer so more sentences lead to new masterpieces. Please.

Guys, that's it. With a final bow the curtains fall. Until next time. Ciao!

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writingonleaves · 5 months

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were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? (did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?) - jeremy swayman

pairing: jeremy swayman x original female character

warnings: swearing, pretty angsty. hopeful ish ending because i can't do sad endings, very personal but i think many can relate in their own way, cliche ish, barely proofread

inspired by + title: "the smallest man who ever lived" by taylor swift

word count: 5.6k

author's note: i'd argue almost every piece any author writes is personal, because it has their life interspersed through the words. but this one really is, because a majority of this is the exact same words i wrote years ago after a break-up. heard the bridge to this song and immediately knew i had to write something inspired by it. also trying a new format of sorts (maybe a bit meta??), so i hope you enjoy and lmk what you think!!

~*~*~

When Noelle Betsko walked away from Jeremy Swayman, holding back tears until the call dropped, she knew it was going to be a tough time for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t matter that the pandemic had forced them apart. She knew she would still feel him for months to come.

She did the only thing she knows how to do when trying to deal with things. The one thing she always resorts to as an aspiring novelist. Sometimes on her laptop when the words were spilling out too quickly for her brain to catch up, tears littering the keyboard. Usually in her old beat-up journal, scribbling in the cursive that Jeremy claimed he always loved (“It makes your handwriting unique”) with the pens he had gifted her just a few months prior.

At the age of 21, Noelle got her heart broken for the first time. At the age of 26, she’s about to publish her first poetry collection of sorts, all of the poems modeled after journal entries written throughout her life. So not really poetry, though her mother would say otherwise.

She swallows as she thumbs through the middle part of the first known and binded copy of “miscellaneous.” There are only eight entries in the whole collection that are taken verbatim from her past writing. These are the eight.

May 13, 2020 (three days post-breakup, crying in my childhood bedroom)

I don’t even recognize who I was and who you were in those writings before these pages filled with love and hope and happiness. I can’t even summon up those feelings anymore that I knew existed at one point. Those feelings of complete bliss and love for someone so deep you can’t explain it.

I’m mad at myself for not being able to conjure those feelings, because at one point, I did love you. How could something that was part of my daily life for over two years just disappear so quickly?

But now, I’m not mad at myself. I’m mad, but I don’t know where to direct that anger to. I feel a bit empty sometimes, but then frustrated the next. Sometimes I get sad, but not so much compared to the other feelings. I spent enough time being sad during our relationship.

When we broke up, on an annoyingly beautiful Tuesday in May — over the damn phone, mind you, which whatever, it’s COVID. Fine — You told me you felt like you had been putting more effort into us.

At the time, I didn’t react, but I’ve been thinking about how angry that statement made me. Makes me, actually. I was always very open with how much I gave to that relationship. How much it meant to me. How much it affected me. But I understand that with some people, sharing everything too much equates to things not meaning anything anymore. But you out of all people should’ve known that I mean everything I say.

I felt like I gave so much. I know I gave so much. When I told you I loved you, I always meant it. Every single time. When I told you I missed you, I always meant it. I wished you were right next to me at that moment. I mentally gave so much, because to me, I wanted to. You were always on my mind, always high up on my list of priorities. I never took us for granted.

I’ve been questioning if that was the same for you. Did you start becoming complacent?

The second thing you said that day that hasn’t left my head is that you knew me pretty well. And initially, I remember not thinking much of it. So I don’t doubt that; you always knew right when I was about to cry, even over the phone. You often knew when I was mad or upset, but when I look back now, you never pushed. Which is a good thing, to an extent. But it was a bad thing sometimes too. I knew you often wanted to give me space, but sometimes I didn’t want space. I wanted you to push. To try to understand. Maybe that’s unfair of me; it probably is. I should just say I want to talk about it more, right?

But if you genuinely knew me, you would’ve known.

After two years, seven months and 12 days, I still feel like I didn’t know you. Did I ever know you at all?

When people talked shit about you, I always defended you. And I still would defend you now. But lately, I've questioned what I’m even defending. All those good qualities that I thought you had, were they even real? Of course, I know some of them were, to a certain extent. But as I look back on us, there’s a lot of doubt about whether I even knew the person I called my boyfriend for so long. I know there was a point where you cared about me, but I can’t remember when.

I often felt like I was letting you know so much about my life, but you didn’t do the same. I get that sometimes a person just wants to forget about the bad and focus on the good with a person you like for awhile. I get that. But once that was happening every damn time? That should’ve been a red flag.

June 7, 2020 (twenty eight days post break-up, outside my childhood room on the deck)

I don’t understand how you can give so much to something or someone and have it not be recognized or appreciated or enough. If I wasn’t enough for you, how will I be enough for anyone?

I hope one day you’ll truly understand how much this hurt. Not just the breakup, but feeling like I was always being pulled in a direction I didn’t always want to be pulled in. Feeling I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and never ever being able to win. I hate that I settled so much in the last year. Because I should’ve demanded more, even though deep down I knew you were never going to be able to give it to me.

I think back to our past daily texts, and I just don’t get it. At one point, we both meant the things we said to each other.

Yet we still hurt each other.

This fucking hurts.

You’ve hurt me so much, but most of it wasn’t intentional, which I think is somewhat even worse. Because I’m not totally mad at you for causing the pain. You never did anything outright to cause me pain, but I still feel like you did.

Unintentional pain almost stings more than intentional.

When I asked you out that night after we were both on an emotional high, I took a chance. For once in my life, I took the leap, knowing that I could get humiliated or hurt or just straight up shot down.

Where did it all go wrong? Or, more realistically, how did we think that we could go through the wrong when it was there at the start?

I’m trying not to blame myself too much. Trying not to tell myself that I should’ve known better.

All those times, especially at the start, when I would ask you if you genuinely liked me, you always thought I was just trying to be annoying. But you never understood that I genuinely thought that way. My self confidence from the start was lacking, and you didn’t try to understand that, because I come across to everyone as confident and self-assured.

It hurt, when you would brush things off like that. I felt like you didn’t care.

And then, it got to the point where I stopped asking that question. Part of that is because I did become more confident and you did show that you cared, and part of that was because I knew it would piss you off.

The amount of things I was scared to talk about with you because I knew it would piss you off? I don’t wish that feeling on anybody.

I shouldn’t have been scared. I shouldn’t have been uncomfortable. But I was. And if you did notice like sometimes you claimed to, why didn’t you make it more comfortable for me? Was that too much to ask for?

So larger than life that at the end, you faded into just the smallest man who ever lived. Fuck you.

Was it too much to ask for when I just wanted to know why you were upset? You didn’t have to ever tell me the full story (lord knows there were times I didn’t), but was it too much to ask for something? You told me once that I’m the person you’ve told the most to. How? You barely told me anything. And when I wanted to talk to you, whether it was about growing up in Alaska or why you were in a bad mood last night, you always brushed it off. Always.

So I don’t feel so bad about feeling like I gave more effort. I gave so much of myself to you. If you really cared about me like you claimed you did, why couldn’t you show even just 1% of that care back? Or just meet me in the middle?

I could’ve tried harder to meet you in the middle, I’ll admit that. But you didn’t even give me a map or a clue how to.

I felt so fucking left in the dark. I felt left in the dark about my own fucking relationship, something that I should be completely sure about. If you really love someone and care about them, how can you leave them in the dark? How could you not even see that I was struggling to find a flashlight?

You did care about me. I know that. To some extent and at some point in time, you did care about me. But caring about someone and their well-being isn’t always enough.

Why couldn’t you have worked with me? When I was extending my hand out, why didn’t you reach for it? How can someone just be so blind? I mean, I’m practically always spelling it out for you.

Maybe I am being selfish. But fuck, I just wanted to be happy. At some point, you made me happy. When did I start making you feel like I wasn’t enough? Why wasn’t I enough for you?

It’s useless, in a way, to keep going about this. Because I know I deserve better. And we’ll both find people who are better for us. We just couldn’t be that person to each other.

I fucking loved you.

I wish it ended differently.

July 8, 2020 (fifty nine days post-breakup, in front of the lake)

I really really fucking miss you.

I do.

I miss being able to text you that i love you and not necessarily expecting a response until the next morning. I miss knowing that as soon as you wake up, you’ll text me back and assure me that yeah, you love me too.

I’m left feeling bittersweet as I look back on memories that are just splashes and not definite strokes on the canvas that used to be us.

I miss having you as a friend.

I’ve been having more urges lately to want to text you. And it isn’t even anything important. Just moments I experience throughout the day.

Do you get the urge to do the same?

July 19, 2020 (seventy days post-breakup, still in the same damn house)

It’s hard. It really is. And it kinda just hits you at random parts of the day. Sometimes I wake up from a dream that you were in and have to remind myself that it didn’t happen.

Sometimes it physically aches when I realize that you won’t ever help me put on my jacket again, or complain that my hair is in your face when we’re lying on the couch watching Brooklyn Nine Nine, or groan when I drag you up to dance with me (which you never improved on, no matter how many times I tried to teach you basic rhythm). I can’t view our song the same way anymore, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

The other day, I read some simple thing on Twitter. I don’t even remember what it was, but I do remember that for a split second, I could see your smile in my mind. But it wasn’t just any smile. It was the smile you gave me when you took me ice skating that first time. I remember asking you what you were smiling at, and you said that you just were taking in this moment. I don’t know if you took a mental picture that day, but I know I did. That day seems so long ago now.

In almost anything I do, you somehow pop into my mind or into the conversation. And it’s not even in a harmful way either. It’s because you were part of my life for so long. I see a dog on the street, and it reminds me of how you always stopped to pet every single one we’s see I write something in my messy handwriting, and I remember how you always used to complain that you couldn’t read the notes I’d occasionally leave around your place when you went away. I went to the doctor’s the other day, and they said I was 5 feet and 3 inches, which is just definitely not true, and I almost reached for my phone to text you, because you would’ve cackled and insisted that no, I’m 5 feet 2 inches and it wouldn’t even matter because I’ll always be shorter than you. It’s simple and minute things that make me miss you that much more.

I still can’t listen to some songs the same way anymore, but I can at least listen to them now, which is a feat in itself. I was unpacking from college and found the teddy bear you sent me the first extended time we had to be apart and had to immediately put that out of my sight. From those boxes also came photos that I had decorated my dorm room with, and to be honest, I’m glad now that I let you keep our best one. I deal with all my emotions, besides writing, by making Spotify playlists, and I made a new one earlier this week. I think it’s helping. It’s a slow process, this whole moving on thing, but it’s one that I’m trying to be grateful for, because like most things in life, you just don’t truly know until you go through it.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering how you are and how you’re healing. But, even though we’ve both changed since the day we met, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you’re incredibly strong and stubborn. I hope that you’re finding some growth in this process too.

October 17, 2020 (one hundred fifty seven days post-break up, apartment in orono)

It’s been almost 5 months, and you still cross my mind everyday.

Why wasn’t I enough for you? Why didn’t you fucking tell me what you were thinking? Why was I the one who had to approach you just because I was just so done with the silent treatment?

But I’m not mad at you. Not anymore. The mad phase passed ages ago.

Closure is a fake word. Even a breakup as mutual and smooth as ours was still left me with so many questions that will probably never be answered.

Any breakup fucks you up to some extent. I knew it was going to mess me up even back when we were together. But not like this. Never like this.

But like anything in life, I guess you can never really prepare for what you think you might feel, because most of the time, you discover a whole new side of you that you never thought existed.

I don’t miss you. I don’t. I don’t feel that love in any way anymore.

But I did once.

You did too, right?

November 15, 2020 (one hundred eighty six days post break-up, fogler library)

I hate Halloween.

Though, it did bring me to you three years ago. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you right then and there.

Three years later, you texted me on Halloween, five months after our breakup. The universe really, really wanted to fuck with me.

It was a tough night for you. I knew that. Because I know how you are after losing a game you should’ve won. But that didn’t mean that I owed you anything and had to respond.

We agreed on no contact if we ever wanted to stay friends. Clearly, friends is out of the picture now, but come on. A vulnerable text after a bad night because you know I would feel bad for you?

Fuck, you know how much I would hate that. You had to have known.

Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean that everything about you just disappears. I still know your tendencies. I still know exactly how my head burrows into your chest during a hug. I still know the actions I used to do that would be followed by you attacking me with a hug. I still could point you out in a crowd.

I looked for you in every crowd for years.

That stuff doesn’t just go away, no matter how much I want it to. But fuck. Fuck. Why did you text me?

I don’t regret how I handled it. I probably would’ve responded months ago. But just like you, I’ve grown these last couple of months.

It was comforting, for a split second, to know that maybe, just maybe, these past couple of months have been hard for you too. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel like I’m not crazy.

I’m glad you texted me. You gave me another level of closure I hadn’t known that I needed until then.

But fuck, dude. You know me better than that. You should know me better than that.

I hate Halloween.

November 26, 2020 (one hundred ninety seven days, at the coffee shop i brought you to when you came home with me two years ago)

I don’t regret loving you, but I hate you for what you did to me.

Or maybe not.

I hate knowing that even though we haven’t been in a relationship in a bit, it feels like sometimes, you’re on my mind the exact same amount when we were dating. I hate knowing that I gave so much of myself and my love to you, and it always felt unrecognized.

Fuck, will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to have to stop myself from thinking about you? Will it ever stop?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Happy birthday. I hope you enjoy it.

June 12, 2021 (three hundred ninety five days post-break up, in boston, visiting a friend)

Tonight, when a friend asked me about you and how I felt about how we ended, I was able to articulate my thoughts clearly. I’m really proud of myself for getting to a point where I can take the lessons I learned the few months after we broke up and acknowledge them in a succinct way without breaking down into tears. Just watery eyes and the occasional voice crack

I’m also proud that I can say that when we were dating, I lost a bit of myself. For months, it was really hard to admit out loud.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Sometimes, I wish I could call or text you about it, because I think you’d be proud too. And I know I’d be proud of you. I am, to be honest. I do break resolve once in awhile and check on you through various avenues.

I still haven’t seen you in person since the last time COVID made us say goodbye. Maybe I never will again. But day by day, I’m starting to accept that and be okay with it. I’m accepting that memories that used to be so painted in my mind are blurry or almost completely erased now. But that’s okay. Honestly, it’s probably for the best.

I wonder, when you think about it, if you think about different moments that I do. That’s the thing when something ends. You have to be okay with letting go of those moments and realizing that just because you forget them, doesn’t mean they weren’t important.

I don’t think I miss you. I hesitate in saying that. Because I’ve moved on and handled the aftermath of it better than I think both of us ever thought I could. When you hung up the phone for the last time, I proved to myself again that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I think we all are. But we don’t realize it until we’re thrown into a situation that we think we’ll never be able to overcome.

But we do. Whether it’s because we’re forced to because there’s no other option, it doesn’t matter. Because we get through. We move on.

I hope you're moving on.

And then it goes into other topics, graduating during a pandemic specifically and losing what’s supposed to be your last year of no responsibilities before adulthood. There are other poems in here that reference a past relationship, but not as much as these eight.

If there’s one thing that Noelle did change, it was taking out the details. Jeremy may have hurt her, but he doesn’t deserve someone possibly making a connection between these poems and their shared background. She’s not a famous author by any means, but she wanted to be careful.

Not that she makes that part of her life publicly known. People don’t need to know that her brother was Jeremy’s captain for two years at Maine and that’s how they met.

Noelle grew up going to rinks. She hasn’t gone to one since they broke up.

But also, what the fuck? It’s been five years since she’s dated the guy. She really is over it by now, even if his rise to stardom in the Bruins flittering on her social media feeds still sometimes has her swallowing a bit before she can continue with her day.

Brooklyn is far enough from Boston. But sometimes it feels like it’s right outside her door.

She’s proud of her first published work. She really is. People believed in her and after numerous notes swapped back and forth with her editor, she did it. She always knew she wanted to work in publishing. She never knew she herself would publish anything.

And here she is now, two weeks after the book release, in Boston, about to do a q&a and a signing. Apparently, “miscellaneous” has been on top of numerous lists and it’s flying off the shelves. Noelle can’t really believe it and tries not to think about it too much, trusting her agent with all of that.

She’s happy to talk about her work and process though. That she can handle. And she’s grateful for all the love.

After a signing at a local bookstore, she decides to walk the 20 minutes home in the Boston fall. It’s a bit brisk, but she doesn’t mind and she just wanders, belly filled with delicious sushi she inhaled for dinner with an old friend.

Of course it happens the one time during her walk when she doesn’t avoid eye contact with someone. The song playing in her earbuds fade out of her focus and she almost stumbles.

Jeremy’s eyes were always Noelle’s favorite thing about him. She thought she would’ve forgotten what they looked like by now. But clearly she hasn’t.

Her eyes quickly cast to the person next to him. It’s definitely a girl. They’re a bit too far away for Noelle to pick out details. But it’s enough. He’s walking on the side closest to the street. It’s a Friday Night in a bustling part of the city.

It hurts. She wishes it didn’t.

Even from far away, she sees his eyes blink in recognition. Noelle puts her head back down and walks faster.

(She cries in the shower when she gets back to the hotel. She had debated feeling super sorry for herself and going to the hotel bar but refrained)

She has a few free days in Boston before flying back to New York. When she wakes up the next morning, she debates on going home early. But no, she won’t let a three second glance at someone ruin her time here. She used to occasionally come here during her college days. She loves this city.

The city may be Jeremy’s, but she can make space for herself here too.

She takes her time at a cafe, people watching and eating some breakfast. As she takes her coffee to-go, she looks out the window at the bookstore she was in the night before for the signing. She almost drops her coffee.

Jeremy walks into the book store.

Now, Noelle is debating her options. What she should do is continue with her day and walk in the opposite direction. But she’s always been too nosy for her own good. And maybe a bit self destructive. She decides to leave the cafe and cross the street immediately, so impatient to where she’s almost tapping her foot as the pedestrian signal stays red.

As a writer, she’s no stranger to movie moments. The scenes written in books or movies where the timing is too accurate to be real. The situation too good to be true. But after a car speeds through an orange and she can finally walk, she stops in her tracks instead, feet glued down to the sidewalk.

Because Jeremy is right in front of her on the other side of the street. Her book in his hand. And he’s looking right at her.

The first feeling she can recognize in herself is anger. Anger at the way their relationship panned out. Anger at the way they ended. Anger at the radio silence the years following. Anger at him for everything. Angry at herself for everything.

The second feeling is, weirdly, shame, which she’s embarrassed by. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. But she feels it anyways.

The third, and perhaps the most prominent, is emptiness. Five fucking years later, and she’s brought back to the emptiness she felt immediately after they broke up. The emptiness that the person you loved isn’t yours anymore — who maybe wasn’t ever yours to begin with.

Before she can run, he’s already crossed the street to her. He looks naturally different as someone who you haven’t seen in five years would. But he also heartbreakingly looks the same.

“We should get out of people’s way,” Noelle manages to chokes out.

Jeremy laughs a bit. Her heart lurches. “Yeah.” He starts walking and she follows him wordlessly. This is his city after all.

He leads them to a bench under a tree with beautiful fall foliage. She puts at least a foot between them as they both sit down, staring out at the people passing. She can’t take the silence.

“I see you bought my book.”

“I did,” he replies evenly. “Congratulations. I always knew you would do it.”

She squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes hard enough she’ll forget when she originally pitched Jeremy the bare bones idea of the exact same book that’s currently in his hand. “Thank you. Congratulations to you too. On everything.”

“You’ve been watching?”

She shakes her head. “No. But, you know Seth and…yeah. It comes up during family calls sometimes.”

“Why didn’t you say hi last night?”

She looks pointedly at a couple walking their dog. “You seemed busy.”

“She wasn’t-that-it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Oh. Because that makes me feel so much better,” she spits out, before taking a deep breath. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. We broke up ages ago.”

“I’m sorry,” she gives him a look and is slightly proud of how he seems to shrink into himself a bit. “I-I know it’s five years too late. I know I didn’t handle it as well as I should’ve. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

The thing is, Noelle always thought that maybe hearing an apology someday would make her feel better. But now that’s heard it, she’s not sure she does.

She swallows. “I appreciate that.”

“I’ve already read it, you know.”

“Read what?”

Jeremy runs a hand through his hair. “Your book. One of my teammate’s girlfriend recommended it and I asked to borrow it. It’s fantastic,” He looks down at the book in his hand. It’s like the cover is taunting her. “I wanted my own copy.”

“Oh.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For letting me off the hook with the poems I know were about me,” he scoffs, shaking his head at himself. “You could’ve written way worse.”

She can’t help but let out a chuckle. “I thought I was pretty mean.”

“Your definition of ‘pretty mean’ is tame compared to a lot of people,” he says, mindlessly flipping through the pages of the book. “You were always the kindest person, even when you shouldn’t have been..”

He puts his hand out in her direction, the hand with the book in it. She furrows her eyebrows. “What-”

“Could I get a signed copy?”

“Jeremy. What do you want from me?”

He sighs, taking his hand back. “A chance to apologize?”

“You’ve already done that.”

“Not in the way I want to and what you deserve.”

She lets out a sigh, turning to face him fully. “I don’t know if that would be worth my time or yours. I know the book just came out, but that was five years ago. I’m over it. Forgive and forget, right?”

“But do you?” Jeremy counters back. “Clearly, you don’t forget, which I deserve. But forgive?”

“We’re just going in circles now.”

“No we’re not,” he says firmly. “You’re just shutting me down because you don’t want to talk about it. I’ve had five years to prepare what I would say to you if I saw you again. You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Of course I have,” Noelle tips her head back. “But also, what’s the point?”

“The point, is that I still love you.”

“Fuck you,” she says in a strained voice. “You can’t just-you can’t just throw that shit out there. Fuck you.”

He bites his lip, and to her annoyance, he laughs. But she listens more carefully, and it sounds very self deprecating. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah,” Noelle looks down at her feet. “So…what? You still love me?”

“I do.”

“And what are you going to do about that?”

“What are you going to let me do?”

“I live in Brooklyn.”

“I know,” she whips her head up. Jeremy looks sheepish, which she didn’t even think was something he knew how to do. “Seth mentioned it when we caught up a bit ago. I also still follow you on Instagram.”

She tries again. “It’s been five years.”

“And I’m here sitting with you and still feel the exact same way I did back then. Even more, to be honest.” He eyes her pointedly. “Any more excuses?”

Her voice softens. “You really hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m so sorry, Noelle.”

“I hurt you too.”

He shrugs. “We were young and stupid.”

“And we’re still not?” Noelle says with a snort before swallowing. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“I’m sure I’m not either. But I don’t know if there’s a world where I don’t love every version of you.”

“Even after reading the book?”

“Especially after reading the book,” he sighs. “Noelle, I know this is unfair of me. All of this. And I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to reach out. But I always intended to. And then you’re here? And I see you twice in two days? I’d be an idiot to not try. More of an idiot than I am, anyways.”

“Try for what?”

“A second chance? To be friends? Whatever you want.” He suddenly deflates. “Even if you don’t want anything to do with me. At least I’ll know.”

“Why did you never text me?”

“I thought about it a lot,” he admits. “I tried once, actually, after the high of a really good win. But it didn’t go through. I got the message.”

“The message?”

“You blocked me, right?”

Oh. “Yeah,” she lies. “I did.” She reaches into her bag for a pen and gestures for the book, which he gives to her, a curious gleam in his eyes. “I’m in Boston for two more days, including today.”

He takes the hint immediately. Eagerly. “I have a game tonight, but I’m free tomorrow.”

“Who are you guys playing?”

“Toronto. And I’m starting. Should be a good one.”

She hums non-committedly, scribbling on the inside of the front cover. She hands it back to him with a small, close-lipped smile. She nods at him to read the message.

to my first fan,

i still love you too.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

yours,

noelle

He looks up, eyes shining but a bit confused.

“I never blocked you. I just changed my number.”

“Oh.”

“And even if I still love you, I’m still mad at you.”

“I know. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t.”

She stands up, adjusting the bag on her shoulder and putting her sunglasses on. “Text me?”

His mouth splits wide into a grin. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She backs away with one last attempt at a smile before turning down the street.

#k writes #hockey fanfiction #nhl #nhl fanfiction #nhl fanfic #nhl writing #hockey blurb #hockey writing #boston bruins #jeremy swayman #jeremy swayman blurb #jeremy swayman writing #jeremy swayman fic #jeremy swayman fanfiction #jeremy swayman x ofc #jeremy swayman x oc #jeremy swayman x reader

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waitmyturtles · 5 months

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If you haven’t watched She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat (TsukuTabe), season 2, please extradite yourself to my general location so I can either

a) have you arrested, and/or

b) kidnap you and force you to watch this

perfectly-paced

perfectly-shot

perfectly-written

show about two women discovering their sexualities unto themselves and with each other in like

THE MOST EMPATHIC WAYS I JUST CANNNNNNNOTTTTTTTTTTTT

I AM BLUBBERING

THEIR COMMUNITY OF FRIENDS

THE WORK THEY HAVE TO DO TO FIND SAFETY FOR THEMSELVES AND EACH OTHER

HOW THEY MANAGE THE LITERAL THREATS TO THEIR HAPPINESS TOGETHER

HOW THEY MAKE COMPROMISES FOR EACH OTHER VIS À VIS THAT SAFETY

HOW THEY CREATE A HOME AND FAMILY TOGETHER THROUGH THE FOOD THEY LOVE

HOW THEY USE THOSE SAME LOVING TACTICS WITH THEIR FRIENDS TO CREATE THEIR CHOSEN FAMILLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HOW THEY COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!

HOW THEY’RE BOTH AWARE OF WHERE THEY MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY STUMBLING ON THEIR COMMUNICATION AND HOW THEY GET THROUGH THOSE OBSTACLES TOGETHER WITH JUST BEAUTIFUL OPENNESS AND AWARENESS

HOW THEY PACE THEIR INTIMACY!!!!!!!

THIS IS ME (thanks @lurkingshan)

ME RIGHT NOW

OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDD

And this is how I feel AT THE END of the season! Click the link above, this season has easily one of my top 5 episodes EVER, TsukuTabe episode 8, it hangs with Bad Buddy episodes 5 and 10, and Extraordinary Attorney Woo episode 11, and What Did You Eat Yesterday season 1 finale, watch ‘em!

I LOVE THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH

MONSTER GL!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

AND ALL OF THIS IN A SERIES THAT WAS LITERALLY ONLY FOUR HOURS LONG. MY FUCKING GOD.

I might have to write some real meta when I calm the fuck down, but. The entire TsukuTabe franchise is a MUST WATCH of the very highest order. If you haven’t watched it, watch it now, drop everything. That was Asian queer media at its UTTER finest. Damn, NHK, you fuckin’ won the GL battle, homes.

#tsukuritai onna to tabetai onna #tsukutabe #she loves to cook and she loves to eat #nomoto x kasuga #kasuga x nomoto #higa manami #nishino emi #THIS WAS MAGNIFICENT

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testudoaubrei-blog · 2 years

Text

So being in both the she Ra and tLT fandoms I definitely see a lot of posts about religious trauma. Which, fair. But Tasmin (Edit: Tasmyn whoa I am dumb) Muir is a practicing Catholic and Nate Stevenson is an atheist who was raised Calvinist. And in addition to tLT being arguably more in the tradition of Very Gay, very subversive Catholic art rather than a more straightforward account of trauma written by someone now 'on the outside' there is also the theological specificity to think about.

She Ra isn't just about the psychological harms of Christianity or Evangelicalism but -Calvinism specifically-. This is true of a lot of Nate's work. The rejection of total depravity in Catra's redemption of herself, of a 'good' elect and 'bad' damned in the shows consistent ambiguities/humanization of everyone, and the shows rejection of (pre)destiny in Adora and Catra's arcs are extremely anti Calvinist. And of course Horde Prime claims to be a Calvinist God (but he isn't, this acting as a proxy for the -people- who claim their abuses and oppressions are the will of God - there is no actual deity on Nate's universe, only people).

But I have no idea what is going on, religiously, in the Locked Tomb. However I suspect that while Nate, raised Calvinist, is interested in the terror of damnation, Tasmin (EDIT: Tasmyn) Muir might be exploring much more ambivalent Catholic ideas of Purgation and of course, the Harrowing of Hell. TBH while I adore Nate's cartoon theological critique I am hoping Muir gives us some Man Who Was Thursday theological what the fuckery.

Note: if you want to read more about Catra and Calvinism here is one of the most batshit posts I have written on this website. (Note this was written before Nate transitioned to Nate so it uses his former name and both genders of pronouns since that was his preference at time of writing). I treat my old posts like articles so I don't keep them continuously up to date but linking to anything that doesn't say Nate still feels odd.

#the locked tomb #harrow the ninth spoilers #nona the ninth spoilers #john gaius #she ra spop #spop #nate stevenson #tasmin Muir

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lakemojave · 9 months

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Mojave's Top Ten Games of 2023 (3 of which actually came out this year)

I figured I should make a list like this at some point, but I didn't actually play many new games this year. Well, I played tons of games for the first time and loved so many of them, but few of them were new releases. At my current stage as a game critic, I'm playing a lot of catchup, trying to get context for current games, playing the classics and the seminal franchises of the medium. I do not have a game of the year pick. Even though I was behind the curve, I still wanna talk about the experiences that moved me this year.

Honorable mentions:

Baldur's Gate 3 (2023): One of the densest, fleshed out, satisfying narrative RPGs the gaming industry has seen in years. Immersive, well written and charming, no two people can have the same experience with this game because of how much variance and player choice is accounted for in the gameplay and script alike. It's for that reason it's not on the list though--not only have I not finished it, I'm also not doing it singleplayer, and am missing out on much of that juicy story content in favor of me and my group's meta-narrative.

Black Mesa (2020): The remake of the first half life is sharp, smooth, and immersive, combining what was visually and narratively compelling about Half Life 2 back into the original story. It has some of my favorite setpieces of the entire half life catalogue now, which is saying a lot. It's off the list in favor of the original.

Dead Space (2023): A triumphant return to the horrors of the Ishimura incident, with insidious twists to the game design and story that disrupt a fan's familiarity with the game world time again. It scared the fuck out of me so many times, but the bittersweet feeling I get thinking about the fate of the Dead Space franchise means RE4 gets its spot.

10. Oxenfree 2: Lost Signals (2023)

The long awaited sequel to 2016's Oxenfree caught me by surprise after playing the first game just before it. Playing the original teen horror, I'm struck by how grating some of the dialogue can be, how sophomoric and cheap it can feel without drinking deep of the content. What makes this version of teen horror so compelling, though, is that through sympathetic participation with Alex, you catch yourself from griping at the young characters for making foolish choices, which is very effective.

What's stunning about this sequel is that in the 7 year gap between games, it's not just the team and the audience that has matured, it's the writing all around. Your character, Riley, is in her early 30s, returning to her hometown and feeling very existential as she peers into the past, the future, and the unknown in between time and space. The world of Camena and Edwards Island is expanded on those lines, the thematic focus becomes resonant and emotionally devastating, and the dynamic with young characters, familiar or not, demonstrates how strong this second chapter to the oxenfree story really is.

9. Resident Evil 4 (2023)

Look. I love a horror game. 2005's Resident Evil 4 may be among the best of them, and it may be timeless in its own right, and it may be foundational to so many other games I love today, but god damn is this remake fun. With sharper visuals and atmosphere than the original, intricate new resource systems like knife durability and parries, and some updated character work, it's safe to say this is a categorically different game than the original. Plenty of material was cut from the main game, like the IT fight or the laser hallway, which found their way into the DRASTICALLY improved Separate Ways expansions, starring Ada Wong. It's not my favorite Resident Evil, and it's far from the scariest, but it's the one with Leon's spin kick, and there's nothing more satisfying than that.

I do maintain a lot of early gripes I had with the remake. When Resident Evil 8: Village came out in 2021, it borrowed a lot of mechanical, narrative, and aesthetic tropes from RE4, updating them to a new game in the wake of the remakes of RE2 and 3. Those remakes were truly transformational masterpieces, blending all of Resident Evil's best aspects to create new, distinct experiences. RE4, the original, didn't really need much updating, it's been ported to hell and back already and is so ubiquitous that there was no real need to bring it back into the zeitgeist. Nothing can really be gained by this remake except for a victory lap for Capcom.

Cynicism aside, FUCK YEAH, TWO CAKES!

8. Mass Effect (2006)

I should say that the version of Mass Effect I'm playing is not the one that came out in 2006. The Legendary edition does a bit of graphical and mechanical tweaks to update some of the dated aspects. That's kind of a shame, because the dated aspects are what's so fascinating about Mass Effect. Between Baldur's Gate 3, Disco Elysium, and now the early Fallout games, I find myself taken by classic CRPG design, which accommodates such a wide variety of player choice. Mass Effect doesn't have too much choice in it--the progression and ending are pretty much fixed from the beginning, you basically choose what flavor of the script that you want.

In that way, I like Mass Effect as a transitional piece--an attempt to bring the aspects of early CRPGS into the modern, console games market, with all the budget EA would give them. The writing and design are...satisfactory. The shooting could be more robust, the characters could have more personality, and to the series' credit those things do come about in Mass Effect 2 (which I'm sure I'll gush about when I finish it).

It's the presentation I love here. Mass Effect has maybe one of my favorite sci fi settings I've ever seen. A vast array of alien civilizations, a rich history filled with interesting lore, a competent portrayal of intergalactic politics, all delivered by characters that are deep and interesting. The voicework is also some of the best I've ever seen, and although there are many standouts, Jennifer Hale's Shepard is just tremendous. Actually playing Mass Effect may be a slog, completionist play might require some of the worst loot grinding I've ever seen, but that is all secondary to the way I was captivated by Mass Effect's version of the final frontier.

7. Half Life (1998)

I did a whole ass 5 hour video essay about Half Life, and I don't wanna belabor how much I like this game and series too much more. I loved Half life 2 and the portal games for years, but it was only for that project that I actually got around to playing this. It's a real bonafide classic, containing so many tropes of modern immersive action games WAY ahead of their time. The setting of Black Mesa is deep and engaging, the environmental storytelling is strong, and the voicework is natural and believable (for the most part.) Sometimes as a game critic I have to give some allowances to an older game for some of its jank and some of its rough edges, let myself see the thing just for what it is without all my modern hangups. I don't have to do that with Half Life like I do for other games. There's parts of it that are rough, like the Interloper and On a Rail chapters, but Half Life feels just as good to play now as it did 25 years ago.

6. Dredge (2023)

There's an old tumblr post that proposes a fishing game that's secretly a horror game. That post imagines a game that starts out normal and comfortable, but as the game goes on the player would catch stranger species of fish, soon finding monsters lurking in the deep and hidden secrets. It got a lot of peoples' imaginations going and engaged a lot of fan artists and even more comments riffing on this idea.

Dredge is that game. I was so gleefully surprised to see this game go through every single one of those steps in the first region alone. The game has a strong atmosphere and great art, leading to some real weird and nasty fish to catch and fill out the weird and spooky encyclopedia. Fishing at night gives you different and weirder fish, but it also raises your panic meter, which can cause hallucinations and open you up to monster attacks. It's a pretty ambiently scary game for the most part, and I almost chalked it up to being more horror themed than actual horror, until this one lagoon where a giant tentacle suddenly shot up at me out of a sudden drop in the ocean floor. I fuckin yelped, actually screamed in a way only two other games have gotten me to do this year.

5. Alien: Isolation (2014)

I have never, in my life, felt more powerless in a game than when I played Alien: Isolation. I'm used to games like Resident Evil, where you have a toolset for survival that is limited, but allows you to give actual pushback towards the zombies trying to get you. I played Amnesia: The Dark Descent this year too, the opposite of this dynamic, where you have NO means of resistance whatsoever, and the binary outcomes of monster encounters of that game completely broke my immersion.

Alien: Isolation actually gives you myriad crafted tools to overcome your obstacles, from human scavengers to androids to the xenomorph herself. Yet, the impossible speed and predatory senses of the monster means that one slip up means instant death, and the death animations are pretty brutal. Through cunning and cautious play, you can slip past the Alien enough times to where you get a flamethrower, which will repel her in a pinch. However, her AI is advanced to the point where she will learn your habits between deaths, look for you in lockers if you hide in them a lot, resist certain tricks like noisemaker bombs or flares. It's in keeping with how the 1979 movie presents her: a perfect killing machine. In fact, its the way so much of the Sevastopol resembles the aesthetic of that early film that not only helps the atmosphere, but makes the alien's power more believable. Immersive and terrifying, Alien: Isolation is a horror triumph.

4. Undertale (2015)

Yeah that's not actually a joke. I really did only play Undertale this year, and I was really actually completely blind going into it. Of all the games I'm happy I got to experience fresh, it was this one. Undertale seems tropey in its game design, story beats, and writing style 8 years later, but that's because so much of its design has been cannibalized by indie developers going after this aesthetic. As a bullet hell, it's...fine. As a meta commentary on retro RPGs and on the act of violence in video games in general, it's incredible. It legitimately gave me immense joy to reach the end and have my stubborn insistence on pacifism challenged even further, and then rewarded in the best possible way. I got to experience it on stream, too, with some friends who had played it previously and one who did not, and we all did the common thing and did funny voices for everybody. It's created some real cherished memories for me, memories that wouldn't have hit as hard if I did not wait to play Undertale.

3. Metal Gear Solid (1998)

Now here's a game I truly thought I'd never get around to. I'm a big fan of the Metal Gear series and when I learned that konami was releasing the master collection pack of the first 3 games, I was fuckin' stoked. If there's one other game that dictated the trajectory of storytelling and presentation of modern games like Half Life did, it's this one.

Having played the first two metal gears, the 2D ones from the late 80s, I was struck by how much of the basic design beats of Metal Gear come directly from the early titles. Seeing them translated into 3D is just incredible--all the prototypical stealth design transcribed so seamlessly into a much more legible visual language to me. The shooting may feel like ass and the bosses may have healthbars the size of Alaska, but the moment to moment sneaking in this game is so intricate and thorough that you really do feel like a tactical master as you go about it.

None of that touches on what's most memorable about Metal Gear Solid, and that's the presentational aspects. The animations and models might be worse than Half Life's, but the writing and voice acting is just world class. David Hayter as Snake, Cam Clarke as Liquid, Christopher Randolph as Otacon, and Patrick Zimmerman as Ocelot (hell even an early Jennifer Hale role) are astounding performances, even today. The cutscenes and dialogue are certainly oversaturated and long, but goddamn if I don't like watching and listening to them. I love this damn game.

2. Bloodborne (2015)

Bloodborne has been more of a myth and less of a game for me. I played some bits at a friend's house in 2017 and never owned a PS4 so I never thought playing it would be possible for me. I obsessively watched lore videos and playthroughs which got me into Dark Souls 3, then Sekiro, then Elden Ring, which has fueled much of my activity on twitch and as a game critic in general. It was only this year that that same friend lent me her PS4 and I played Bloodborne 3 whole times until I 100% the game in a matter of months. The experience was so meaningful to me that I ended up scrapping my first bloodborne video and starting from scratch, this time with Bloodborne Kart dev Lilith Walther as a guest.

I have never been more immersed in a game world than I have been in Bloodborne's. Yharnam is not only such a dense and intricate city, it is drop dead gorgeous in such a grotesque and macabre way. Many words and many writers have already described the surreal hypergothic smokescreen shrouding the insidious cosmic beings steering the terror and bloodshed from out of sight, so I won't repeat them here. You don't forget the sights and sounds of Bloodborne--they linger in your imagination, the visual language shapes your own ability to conceive of images and ideas in horror fiction, twisting the familiar into stranger shapes and forms.

Plus it just feels so fucking good to play. I like From Software titles and their style of combat, and I like how fast combat works in Sekiro and Elden Ring, but neither of those games accommodate brutality like Bloodborne does. You're meant to attack recklessly, cravenly, no blocking, just press the attack again and again until you're drenched in the gore and blood of your foes. You feel like one among the beasts--after all, what difference is there between a predator and the man that hunts them?

1. Signalis (2022)

I have not stopped thinking about Signalis since I played it the first time. The game is like a fucking honeypot for me. It's got Resident Evil style tank controls as an option, with similar combat and inventory management, themes and presentation similar to Silent Hill, and a sci fi flourish akin to Dead Space. So what, it's every great horror game jammed into one retro style amalgamation? Sounds like a great time for me!

That's just the surface, the hook of it all. While the game certainly uses this familiarity to pull you in and make you comfortable and excited for its own terrors, there's a creeping feeling of unease as you continue to revel in the horror and gore that's taken over these halls. Your character, Elster, is a special ops android in a fictional fascist regime, who has abandoned her post to search for her human partner, whose identity eludes her as she slips into delusion. After reaching the depths of the first area, where the space mine turns into a hall of flesh and viscera, the very walls pulsing and dripping, the world suddenly resets, and you find yourself back in the very first zone, now covered in the same blood and gore. The characters cry out in pain at you, begging you to stop, to turn back, to stop prolonging their hell with your own pursuit of an ending. A chalkboard in a classroom with a pretty frivolous note early on now reads "YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE."

If I go on I'm gonna spoil the whole game, but that part there is the essence of Signalis to me. Many games will challenge your own enthusiasm for playing, question the time you spend in the game rather than like, going outside or something. Few games will actively blame you for prolonging the suffering of the game's inhabitants and creating a self contained digital hell. Few games will ask you "why do you want terror?" in the way that Signalis does.

Signalis is a triumph of horror game design. The imagery is horrifically cryptic, the worldbuilding is dense, the monster design and soundscapes are creepy and effective, the gameplay feels desperate and every bullet fired feels like a scream for help. Signalis is my favorite game I played this year, hands down.

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seeingteacupsindragons · 11 months

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I've just found your (most recent) answer about Louis being ace, where you mention that you believe both William and Sherlock are aro/ace, and I'm overjoyed that there is another person who holds the same beliefs! I thought I was the only one! I mean, there are plenty of people who simply don't ship them, but it's not the same thing. Could you please elaborate on that? It's ok if you don't want to, but I would really appreciate learning your thoughts on that.

I think actually a lot of people think this and don't have the vocabulary to articulate it!

Because, well, I think they're aro ace, but I ship them, and I have many meta posts about how they are, textually, canonically written as a romance in many, many, many ways.

To start, I think they're both ace-spec. That link there is to a brief explanation of where, exactly, on the spectrum I think they fall. My reasoning for this is not just that I like thinking of characters as ace (although I do, to be fair), but really the way their relationship to each other utterly floors them. It's not really the reaction someone would have if they had ever been attracted to or interested in someone else. This is clearly something very new and unique for them both, and neither of them has any words to describe it or name it or any idea what to do with these feelings.

And damn if that's not ace-spec.

My arguments for aromantic-ness came a bit later: when Sherlock was asking John why a person would want to get married in The Sign of Mary, and The Final Problem for William. Because, I mean, Sherlock is just like, "I get that logically you match up and could hit your list of qualifications, but this desire to have a romantic marriage partner is what I don't get," and. Yeah. That's an aro boy right there. He just don't understand because he'd never been in that position or thought about it. Because it had never occurred to him.

For William, it was largely about the way he basically described, "I want to die in your arms alone and be reborn at your side," and, "And we're friends!" William, shut up, you have no idea what you're talking about, but what you described is not friendship. I have many deep, powerful friendships and have never felt that way about any of them. That's a fucking completely out of pocket romantic desire, and you clearly don't even know that you stupid fucking dumbass.

So I think a lot of it lies in the newness and puzzlement of the concepts of romance and sex to me. It feels very ace-spec, like they'd never before even contemplated and it had never even occurred to them that it might affect them--presumably, because they'd never been attracted to anyone before.

It's also in Sherlock basically grimacing when John was like, "Wow, you're really old enough to be getting married, bro," and William being like, "Siiiiiigh my college students are all so horny," and William begging for help when a lady hits on him and he doesn't know how to respond, and it's just in the way they interact with life.

#Yuukoku no Moriarty #Moriarty the Patriot #Sherliam

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daes0 · 19 days

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Author's Note on "liar liar lover"

it's the end! you made it!!! feel free to skip this monstrous author's note lol (462 words damn), but it does give more of my perspective on this fic.

while i've written dark stuff before, this is my first attempt at dark romance and i… i kinda feel like i failed. Rafayel's murders not being revealed until the Endings doesn't fit the typical "dark romance" trope of having an upfront villain. but i'm hoping this is scarier. he's still Rafayel here, characterized as the one we love. he's your best friend, your lover, your one and only. except he's also a ruthless killer, so lost in a quest for vengeance that he can't see the mistake he's making

i want to revisit Rafayel x Dark Romance in the future but we'll see.

now *slams fist on table* about that ending! i was originally going to write two endings, one where MC stays with Raf and one where MC escapes and/or kills him. technically, neither of those predicted endings happened.

so, what did happen? here's some possibilities:

If only Ending One happens, Rafayel has hurt MC and broken how she views him. this almost definitely leads to an escape/kill scenario

If only Ending Two happens, Rafayel has maintained his persona and successfully manipulated MC. this almost definitely leads to MC staying

If both Endings happen, MC has the memory of Ending One but chooses to believe that Ending Two is reality

If YOU, the reader, don't believe in either of the Endings because "liar liar lover" Rafayel wouldn't act like this… then you are falling into a meta narrative of Ending Two. you want to believe the delusion

Alternative to option 4, both Endings happen and you as the reader still find yourself wanting to believe the delusion

hopefully that's not too confusing lol. and hey, i welcome any other interpretation of this work. personally, i lean on option 5. even as the creator of this fic, i find myself wanting to believe the delusion that Rafayel wouldn't hurt me/MC, even if i know that he did.

also, yes, Rafayel was going to drink your blood and stop your soul from reincarnating before he stopped. take that as you will and run wild with theories heheh

this fic took me two weeks to make, and that's the fastest i've ever worked AND finished a writing project. it's sitting on 92 pages in gdocs and i'm so proud. i know that there's faster writers and these numbers mean nothing to most readers, but i'm really proud of myself for what i've accomplished.

anyway, i hope you enjoyed this fic! leave a kudos if you liked it, or leave a comment with your thoughts! they make me want to write more <3

#love and deepspace #rafayel x reader #rafayel x you #authors note

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frost-felon · 8 months

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I aim to accomplish three things in this post:

1. Make an argument for why I believe Gojo Satoru's death and afterlife scene don't give his character arc a satisfying resolution.

2. Argue why Tsumiki would be crucial for advancing Satoru's character and giving her more of a role than "Megumi's Motivation™", whilst working within the confines of what JJK has been written as, previously.

3. Give Yuji-lovers more hope that we'll see our little guy give an earnest smile again.

Because this post is pretty damn long, here are the effective starting and ending points of each argument. Please note that no words in this meta are meant to be extraneous, other than some light-hearted asides.

1. "Personally, I think that the airport scene only makes sense/can be consistent with Satoru's portrayals throughout the story (even right before the fight, in Chapters 222 & 223) if it's meant to highlight an internal struggle."/"While key characters like Geto and Nanami show up, with Amanai shown seated separately, there is one crucial absence:"

2. "Fushiguro Tsumiki."/"And I just...I want some real depth to Tsumiki, be it in service to another character for the 50th time or not."

3. "Because somehow, I don't think that what Yuji wants right now is for someone to take away all the boo-boos and make his situation better; I think he wants to go home and relax with the people he cares about, and he'll do anything--eat anything--to accomplish that."/"So depower Satoru, but let him live, so Yuji can finally get out of this misery porn and into his loved ones' arms."

So, without further ado!

248 really made a lot of people excited for the possibility of Gojo Satoru coming back, while making others groan. Why? That actually requires a nuanced answer--but the gist is that many people adore Satoru's character; some people think his character arc was abruptly ended (even spat-on, in some cases); the fallout of 236 left a lot of people angry and/or divided on the story's direction (for more than just Satoru's character, but in many cases, focally so); some fans got really annoying about it; and some people just don't want to hear about Satoru Discourse™, regardless of how they feel about his character. All of these are valid reasons for a cocktail of reactions to the knowledge that Ui Ui and co. have been snatching bodies from the field. If you think Satoru's story is over, then giving this hope to the people who wish to believe he's going to be alive can be quite irksome. And if you want Satoru to live, then the uneasiness of not knowing how Satoru living will affect the narrative may be eating at you, too.

Personally, I think that the airport scene only makes sense/can be consistent with Satoru's portrayals throughout the story (even right before the fight, in Chapters 222 & 223) if it's meant to highlight an internal struggle. Nanami's words are...suspect¹, let's say, in 236, but he discusses clinging to your past versus becoming anew, betting on the future. This, I think, is the main conflict of Satoru's character arc:

The struggle between keeping to what you're familiar with and remaining within expectations, in opposition to taking risks and trusting who you are and what you want to others around you, working with them. Effectively, shedding Satoru's superficiality and being fully open to new ideas.

Satoru's goading, jocular personality has been noted to be fake before, but the intensity he occasionally shows has never been doubted, even if what the intensity is for has. Like in 222 and 223, with Ijichi's long-running guilt and self-doubt. In 222, Satoru says, "Now it's just the three of us, huh?" when alone with Ieri and Ijichi. When he expresses his thought on Nanami's death, this exchange occurs:

SATORU: "I thought Nanami was the type to survive no matter what."

IJICHI: "I'm sorry."

SATORU: "What do you have to be sorry for, Ijichi?"

IJICHI: "I thought you were implying why did he die and not me?"

SATORU: "Is your opinion of me that low?!"

SATORU: "You still have a big job to do..."

SATORU: "...so stay sharp."

Notably, throughout this exchange, Satoru is first looking away at the ground from his elevated, but seated position, when commenting on Nanami's death. However, when Ijichi reveals that he thought Satoru was disappointed that Ijichi had lived 'in place' of Nanami (which is a false mutual-exclusion serving Ijichi's guilt complex), Satoru turns to Ijichi, looking directly at him. As he admonishes Ijichi, he raises his left hand to point at the man, with what looks to be an irritated expression of his own. It's pretty uncommon to see Satoru express any form of anger, severe or not, though we've seen him do so here, in Shibuya, in parts of Hidden Inventory, and most importantly to Satoru and Ijichi's relationship, when Satoru revealed his rage at Yuji's death in Ieri's morgue.

Before I go further, I'd like to acknowledge that Satoru's personality is significantly mellowed-out from his pre-unsealing demeanor, though he's still not emotionally-open, even if he isn't quite evasive in his answers. He's a lot more visibly serious, but his writing still suggests that he's keeping some of his thoughts and feelings close to his chest. If you know me, you know that I despise the timeskip for robbing us of several opportunities for character growth and exploration, including Satoru's change in mentality after being stuck in solitary isolation with a bunch of suicidal skeletons, in what he describes as,

"Like when work is insanely busy."

"A week would pass in a flash..."

"...but it's so draining that you'd never want to do it again."

"Like that."

However, I must ignore the majority of the 34-35 days that were skipped, harder than even Gege has, in order to stick to what JJK canon has given me. At the time of this writing, no further flashback sequences during the timeskip involving Satoru have been revealed. So pretty much all I have are from scenes in the chapter shortly before the battle, as the battle itself doesn't really give any indications on why Satoru is acting the way he is. Thus, I'm going to continue to look at some of these scenes, including the 223 conversation with Ijichi, the 223 confrontation by Gakuganji, and Ieri's words in 220.

First, with Gakuganji:

Here, Satoru expresses what appears to be relieved amusement at Gakuganji's change of heart. Interestingly, his behavior here does get evasive in his body language, and clipped in his dialogue; by turning away, he makes it harder for Gakuganji to judge his reaction to Yaga's last words. He also acknowledges his responsibility in having let down his allies by being sealed. To Satoru, fostering "strong and intelligent allies" has been his dream since well before we came to know him in JJK proper. Ieri's flashback in 220 shows him talking about his dream in an intense manner as he removes his JJK 0 blindfold; when we see him discuss this in Chapter 11: A Dream, he's shown with his eyes obscured, either by his then-current blindfold, or with his hand, as in the chapter cover. So it's pretty important to him, and this moment, along with his discussion with Ijichi before this scene and mere pages afterward in 223, suggest a regret for having been unable to support his allies, and a responsibility to those left in the wake of his presence or absence.

In the scene before, after Ijichi has received his answer for what it's like in the Prison Realm, Satoru asks,

"What happened to the people on Floor B5?"

Notably, he is looking forward while walking to their destination, instead of at Ijichi when he raises this question. Ijichi answers with,

"That was² the epicenter of the Shibuya Incident where the Cursed Spirits were released."

"Non-Sorcerers all over Tokyo were less likely to survive the closer they were to Shibuya."

"However, thanks to the remnants of Gojo-san's Cursed Energy³, the Spirits never came near B5."

The next lines come with Satoru striving forward on stairs and to Gakuganji and Utahime, still not slowing down to look at Ijichi, who is trailing behind Satoru.

SATORU: "Any after-effects of Unlimited Void?"

IJICHI: "No. Everyone's lives have returned to normal.⁴"

SATORU: "That's good to hear."

Here, Satoru stretches, before changing the subject.

SATORU: "Well, shall we do this?"

In the later scene with Ijichi, right before Satoru deploys on the field, we get these pages:

This scene is mostly focused on Ijichi's perspective of himself, while touching upon his relationship to Satoru. Satoru's assurance that Ijichi is necessary and someone that he trusts shakes Ijichi, who is plagued by self-doubt. Now, he's striving to "live up to [Satoru's] words", pushing past his own insecurities to aid Satoru in creating a safer world. Like with Gakuganji, Ijichi can't read Satoru well, which is a consistent pattern with other characters; largely through Satoru's own behaviors and cagey control over what he allows others to see, other members of the cast are kept at arm's length.

Enter Ieri Shoko, his longtime friend and classmate (who doesn't get nearly enough to do), and consider her words from 220:

"But you idiot, who's alone? I was there all along."

"There're a bunch of monsters now...awaiting your return. Come back, Gojo."

This scene, where she reflects on her relationship with Satoru, as well as her reminiscence on both of her classmates and Satoru's intensity with his dream ("I will foster...a strong and intelligent group. I won't leave anyone alone."), are pretty revealing. Both to Satoru's emotional distance from others driving his ambitions, as well as how he hurts his potential relationships with others. Ieri reflects on her presence and support going unappreciated (or simply underappreciated) by Satoru, since she can't reach through the walls he's built up over the years. Largely because she doesn't get to actually matter outside of her usefulness as a medkit in most scenes, sadly.

Then 236 comes along, and has Satoru just. Die, suddenly, and an afterlife scene that feels cheesy at best, and actively hampering the narrative, at worst. While key characters like Geto and Nanami show up, with Amanai shown seated separately, there is one crucial absence:

Fushiguro Tsumiki.

Tsumiki is more of a plot device and source of motivation for Megumi than a character. That's disappointing, but she's served her purpose in the narrative. Except...I can't remember ever seeing a scene where she talked to or interacted with Satoru, especially not as the focus. My understanding is that Satoru is her legal guardian/provides her with shelter, utilities, and likely food, with everything else being speculation, because...they've not been explored together. On the other hand, Tsumiki and Satoru are crucial to Megumi's character.

I have no illusions of Tsumiki being a vital character to Satoru's development, but damn, I wish she was. Or that she had a presence, an acknowledgement; and there's really only one last chance to do this, barring Megumi getting Mega Murdered.

Yet, she's missing from the airport. It could just be that even now, developing Tsumiki and her relation to Satoru (as his ward/former ward) is a cardinal sin that Jujutsu Kaisen cannot indulge. It certainly wouldn't be the first time that a woman character was treated poorly, and left on the wayside⁵, though Tsumiki has always blatantly been more of a tool for the narrative than a character to me. Which is why I think this may be her last real chance at having a character with fleshed-out relationships, and could also provide a satisfying ending to Satoru's character arc.

I'm angling for a scenario in which Satoru is pulled from the suffering of the past to the suffering of the present. In which Tsumiki coaxes Satoru out of his isolationist grip on his heart with hard-hitting questions. Finally, Satoru could let go of his failures, and the discord in his soul, to do what he does best: providing unexpected and vigorous support to the people he believes in. The next generation, the competent allies--be they ones he had already become attached to, or ones he'd in some way overlooked. If nothing else, I truly believe that Gege could pull off a scenario of Satoru overcoming his baggage, and renewing himself to turn intense, conflicted feelings and hard-to-read value in others into full-fledged devotion. Because she was there from the beginning, wasn't she? A teenager walked into her life and her brother's, and gave them the aid the children's parents would not or could not, and throughout it all, she's watched the people she loved grow, until she was robbed of years of her life to a coma.

She'd know so intimately, wouldn't she? Of never being enough, of losing time.

And even in her minimal character, she has never struck me as a character so chained to the past. But to expectations? Sure.

So. While I don't think that it's likely that Jujutsu Kaisen will prominently showcase a woman's inherent value, I do think that a woman's value being tied to the men in her life has a shot. Even if it's a dream, I don't think it's far-fetched, a mere fantasy, to have Tsumiki play a large role and help make this messy, jarring afterlife scene stand better with the rest of the work. And I just...I want some real depth to Tsumiki, be it in service to another character for the 50th time or not.

As for how Satoru's revival could not be an irritation? Have him sacrifice his Cursed Energy and Six-Eyes. To his students, and to those who trust him, his value can't be so simplified as "The Strongest". Geto asked him a silly question once, when struggling with his own demons. This time, ten years and at least twice as many bonds later, Satoru will finally have an answer.

He's not the Strongest. He is Gojo Satoru, and his loved ones need him, wholly and honestly. Whatever it takes.

Because somehow, I don't think that what Yuji wants right now is for someone to take away all the boo-boos and make his situation better; I think he wants to go home and relax with the people he cares about, and he'll do anything--eat anything--to accomplish that. But it wouldn't hurt to let him know that he isn't alone. That his loved ones aren't full of regrets bleeding from their hearts (but never their mouths, because "I can't say that to him"; "It wasn't so bad!"; "That's what you should do."⁶) as he watches them die, over and over again. So depower Satoru, but let him live, so Yuji can finally get out of this misery porn and into his loved ones' arms.

Really, I think we should come full circle. Sukuna self-admittedly doesn't have an ideal, or a higher purpose to pursue. A dream. Other than in 220's flashback, Satoru can't be seen with visible, open eyes when discussing his dream, and even then, he's looking up and away. I'd like to see Tsumiki help him achieve his dream with earnest, open eyes. To leave the airport a changed, fully-realized man, and with unseeing eyes wide open to a future of strong and intelligent allies achieving their own dreams.

↓ Notations and my closing paragraph/mid-leak edit, lmao.

¹They're not consistent with Nanami's portrayals as an adult, but are consistent with how Nanami thought of Satoru when enrolled in Jujutsu High. In general, the characters in the airport resemble the incarnations (largely teenagers, around 10-11 years in the past) they are shown as, but with the knowledge and some of the mentality of their older selves. Nanami most resembles his later self when discussing Mei Mei's advice. If this is going to connect with Satoru leaving the airport (and thus, his past) behind, then this can work. As it is, it's very jarring.

²For most of the analysis, I use the VIZ lines. However, this set of dialogue has a mistake, so here, I have switched to a scanlation group's work (if you know, you know). This is the only time I will be doing so. That said, I have tweaked the start of this line to say "That was...", as in the VIZ version, since the present tense used by the scanlation group feels off, given the context.

³"Residuals" in VIZ translation.

⁴We're back to the VIZ lines now, with this line and the preceding one.

⁵I don't like the direction of Maki's character at this point, and I think Hana's narrative role has probably been fulfilled, but I'd really like to see them get important scenes that flesh out their characters. Kirara (who I am assuming is a transwoman or she/they; my apologies if I'm wrong), Nishimiya, and Miwa are dying in the streets, though.

⁶I'm using the VIZ line, but this has wildly different translations, and seems to be...very left open to interpretation in the original wording. Alternatively, the "My role..." line could work here.

Edit: The fuck you mean we got 249 leaks early?! I was just finishing up after a bad week! Which explains part of why this post is disjointed--I may have to go into more detail on certain parts at another time. If 249 ends this meta and myself, so be it. Thank you for reading!

#Jujutsu Kaisen #JJK #Spoilers #Jujutsu Kaisen Spoilers #JJK Spoilers #JJK Manga Spoilers #I haven't read the new leaks yet. I will cry.#Gojo Satoru #Satoru Gojo #Fushiguro Tsumiki #Tsumiki Fushiguro #Itadori Yuji #Yuji Itadori #Meta #JJK Meta #< It's theorywork and narrative-analysis...so...#Analysis #JJK Analysis

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welcometololaland · 6 months

Note

hello love, R for the alphabet writer asks pretty please? 💖

rae 💜

using this ask to apologise in advance to everyone and anyone but i really felt like doing an ask game so here i am, on your dash.

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

typically, my sources of inspiration include: things i overhear on the train in the morning, internet memes and rogue things that happen to me that i swear would ONLY happen to me. but although i take inspiration from many sources, influence is a different question?

when i started writing fic again, i was deep in the 2021 rwrb obsession and i think my writing was heavily influenced by the work i was literally INHALING at that time.

i think first and foremost i took so much inspiration from @clottedcreamfudge. I mean we all know CCF has depth, but the slightly ridiculous edge to some of her fics felt so on brand for me, and i think reading a lot of the CCF archive taught me to lean into that. the witty dialogue, the pacing, the clever use of side characters to build the story - nailing that is my writing dream.

i feel very inspired when i read any @indomitable-love work because the amount of care and precision written into basically every line of siobhan's fic is incredible. reading ATG was a masterclass in how to take characterisation to another level, and how to build an emotional arc that is hard hitting and makes sense. i had so many 'oh, that really ticked all the emotional boxes for me' moments in that fic. it is truly a treasure.

as we know, i didn't write smut pre-2021. i truly didn't even READ smut. who knows why? anyway i was so convinced i could never write it, UNTIL i read the great works of our lord and saviour aka. you aka. Ms. Rae Rmd-writes Railmedaddy. The ficspiration of the neighbours fic took me out and made me realise like hey...there is actually a lot of skill to this and maybe i could? learn it? and i'm still on that learning journey but i think the think about your E rated scenes is that you weave so much emotion into them - there's a purpose to every smut scene, even if it's a PWP it's driving characterisation in some way. which makes it all very intentional. i find that very inspiring.

i also have to credit @everwitch-magiks for inspiring me every day to be more intentional with my word choice and edit better and WRITE LESS because the amount of stuff evie can pack into a 3k fic is honestly out of this world. but long before i became a ridiculous overwriter, i have been inspired by evie's characterisation (her alex always sounds so perfect to me, in particular) AND her creativity. there are canon fics and then she goes and writes a space AU and also a figure skating AU and magical realism and hashtag soulmates aka. the most beautifully meta thing ever, and a whole fic based around AITA? she has breadth and it makes me kind of mad.

ANYWAY. there are many more but i've already gone on for too long! thank you to everyone who creates stuff for me to read, i know i'm picking up things all the time, and it wouldn't happen if people weren't so damn talented 💜

Fic Writer Ask Game

#sorry this is just a love letter to my original ficspirations #fic writer ask game #lola answers

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sapphic-agent · 9 months

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Ranking MHA Arcs

Vs. Hero Killer Stain: A 9/10 arc. It had great tension, character development, character interaction, and villain. The friendship between Iida, Izuku, and Todoroki felt 10x more genuine than it ever did with Bakugou. The only thing I would change is maybe make Tensei not so virtuous. Maybe he made mistakes in the past or contributed to toxic hero society in some way. Perfect way to develop both Iida and Izuku

Shie Hassaikai: Again, just a great arc. Great villain and tension and love how the LOV are involved but aren't the current enemy. I love Mirio and his sacrifice for Eri was done perfectly, and him rejecting OFA made me love him even more. One of the only arcs where anyone cared about how Izuku was doing (love Iida and Todo forever). The only reason I'm putting it at #2 is Nighteye being a pretentious prick who pissed me off the whole time.

Battle Trial: One of the only arcs where Bakugou's actions aren't depicted as okay. Also calls out his behavior by making him lose because of it. Izuku's actions are recognized wholly, both what he did wrong and what he did right. Back when Momo was analytical and sharp. Also, evil Iida kills me every time. Just a pretty solid arc overall, good balance of tension and humor. There's only one thing I hate and it's that Izuku felt so guilty that he told Bakugou that he inherited his quirk

Meta Liberation: The only saving grace of season 5. The LOV was so well-written and Shigaraki's progression into a leader was so well done. I would have made it top three if it wasn't for Shigaraki's autonomy immediately being taken away by him wanting AFO. Kind of ruined the whole point of the arc

Entrance Exam: I had to make it top 5. It perfectly captures what made early MHA so great. It's so inspirational to everyone whose dreams have ever been discouraged. Some things could have been handled better which is why it isn't higher, but in general I love it

Sports Festival: I've talked about what I do and don't like about the Sports Festival before. There were a lot of good and bad things about it. Uraraka and Todoroki had great development, Izuku's and Tokoyamk's were okay, and Momo's was terrible. But what really keeps it out of the top 5 is the Bakugou pandering. It's the first arc that really starts to do this and it really ruins what could have been a really good arc

Hideout Raid: Again, the only reason this isn't higher is because it's so centered around Bakugou. If it wasn't just an arc pandering to him and his "development," it'd be a lot better. But I'm putting it at 7 because of the awesome fight between All Might and AFO. Easily one of the best in the series. And how that saved Bakugou was pretty damn cool ngl

UA School Festival: Gentle Criminal is tied for my favorite MHA villain with Stain. Not only is he relatable as fuck, his quirk is so unique. He was just so enjoyable. The festival was cute, though I felt as though this arc could have focused more on Eri's trauma. It's great that the festival was something for her to look forward to, but there could have been more done here. Also, Aizawa blaming his students for the other students being resentful and making them take accountability. Also, Bakugou being good at the drums for no reason

Paranormal Liberation War: As far as major arcs this one is okay. I feel like some parts of it were too drawn out, but it wasn't terrible. I liked Dabi exposing Endeavor, and Mirko chasing down Garaki like a bat out of hell was funny. Hawks' fight with Twice was also very impactful. BUT it also felt like a lot of the pros were useless. Like, Mount Lady struggling so much with Gigantomachia felt odd. She should have been more effective imo. I also wasn't a fan of how Midnight died in the manga, that felt unnecessarily brutal

USJ: This arc does a great job of introducing Shigaraki... And not much else. Like, I don't think it's bad at all, but it was a little boring. It does get points though for Tsu casually drowning Mineta, little moments like this make it watchable

Quirk Apprehension Test: The only reason this arc isn't lower is because of Izuku proving that he belongs at UA as much as anyone else. That was a great moment for him. But the QAT is quirkist and honestly just mean-spirited. Why would you humiliate a student in front of their classmates like that? Not to mention that Aizawa was blatantly singling him out with it. Just the beginning of Aizawa being a bad teacher

Provisional Hero License Exam: I struggled where to put this arc. Because honestly? It was good for the most part. I liked seeing how the kids each handled their tasks and opponents. Bakugou failed (I know I've said that this is undercut by Todo failing too, but it's still satisfying) and it really got into the nuances of rescue work. I liked it... Until Deku vs Kacchan Part 2. This fight ruins the entire arc for me. Bakugou fails because he couldn't stop being a dick for 2 seconds and decides he's allowed to take it out on Izuku? Then he trauma dumps on him while playing victim. And then coerces him into a fight. And then is rewarded from throwing this temper tantrum by being given what he wants (knowing about OFA). This was the arc where my feelings towards the series really soured. I really debated putting it at the bottom, but I didn't want to dismiss the good things about it so easily

Forest Training Camp: Only good thing about this arc was Izuku's fight with Muscular and his relationship with Kota. But after that it's Bakugou making bad decisions and everyone else having to suffer for them. I do appreciate Kota slapping Mineta though

Dark Hero: Just... So much potential. But it feels like we never really go below the surface with Izuku. This is supposed to be his arc and it barely focused on who he is. He should have spoken with the vestiges more. Also, while I can understand where they were coming from, 1A ambushing and then antagonizing him was terrible and Bakugou's bum ass apology was even worse. The only reason it isn't lower is because of my unhinged love for Lady Nagant. She's one of the best written characters in the series and I adore her. Unfortunately, it feels like Hori doesn't allow her to influence the overall story

Pro Hero: So this one is just... Weird. I mean, I don't think I hate it? The fight was pretty cool. I love seeing Hawks' quirk in action because his use of it is so creative. I don't like him and Rei being used to prop Endeavor's development though. I just don't think this arc was that good

Joint Training: So I mentioned this in a reply somewhere, but Bakugou's flawless win felt so unearned. He hasn't put any work into getting along with others and working with a team (all the "progress" he made was others- Izuku- doing the work for him). The fact that he didn't so much as struggle like everyone else was just bad writing. Momo losing even though she did put in the work to learn to strategize better and cover her bases just felt like a slap in the face to her character. Every time it feels like Hori wants to do right by her character, he ends up making it worse but had no problem propping Bakugou up every five minutes. I liked Uraraka being the unsung star of this arc, Monoma's team underestimating her and then living to regret it was nice. It's one of the only times the progress she's made as a hero is ever acknowledged. This arc didn't do a good job of making me care about Shinsou though, no substance to his character. Monoma was pretty entertaining

Endeavor Agency: Boring ass arc. It wasn't funny or entertaining and had zero character development for our main characters. Natsuo is antagonized for calling out Endeavor and poor Fuyumi gets yelled at by Bakugou in her own home for sharing her feelings. And then Izuku's bs "i tHiNk YOurE geTtINg REaDy tO fOrGiVE hiM." Like I love him but wtf is that line? Hori trying to force Endeavor's redemption down our throats

Final Exams: This arc is all kinds of bullshit. Sero takes a hit for Mineta and is incapacitated and fails. Yet Bakugou is continuously uncooperative, attacks him teammate, and is also incapacitated and passes? Not to mention it's all on Izuku to be the one to teach him how to work with others when that's supposed to be Aizawa's job. Every other match was also useless. The only one that has real development and interaction was Tododoki and Momo. Todo gets humbled and learns to stop acting above his classmates (even if he didn't do this with the intent of being harmful, he still did it) and Momo gets more confidence and agency. But no one else really learned anything or improved. This arc just proves how bad a teacher Aizawa is tbh

Remedial Course: I feel like this arc is evidence that Bakugou would suck as the main character. I was bored to tears during the entire thing. It felt like forced Bakugou and Todoroki interaction first of all. And truth be told I didn't know that kid was supposed to be mini Bakugou, I thought he was representative of Monoma. He was nowhere as bad as Bakugou was as a kid and felt a lot more chill. Also looked more like Monoma. Idk if this is how Hori wants us to see kid Bakugou or what but we know this isn't how he was. And then Bakugou gives him this whole lecture only to turn around the next arc and still treat Izuku like shit. Fucking hypocrite. Camie telling him to shut up was the only good thing about this arc (stan Camie)

And that's the list! I'm only doing these arcs because they're the only ones I've read/watched completely. I don't want to make judgements about the next three arcs without fully knowing what I'm talking about. Though the leaks for the Final War don't bode well for its ranking.

So what do we think? Agree? Disagree? Let me know!

#mha critical #bnha critical #anti bakugou katsuki #arc review #ranking #anti endeavor #anti remedial course arc #anti final exams arc #anti endeavor agency arc #anti joint training arc #anti enji todoroki #anti aizawa shota

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