#i feel like some of my predictions have conflicted with others

[syoddeye]

kinktober - day 28 - phone sex

gaz x f!reader | 1.3k words cw: mutual masturbation, slightly mean ex-boyfriend kyle garrick, but also desperate kyle garrick a/n: you might say "have some pride" but then it's kyle on the other end. summary: kyle calls you for help. banner by @/cafekitsune | kinktober list

Your phone clattering on the bedside table startles you awake.

It rips you out of a deep sleep, and your eyes sting from the strain of staring into the dark at the jumping sliver of light. With a groan, you reach out of your blankets and blink until your vision clears. Great. You grimace at the number.

Kyle. 

A mixture of irritating emotions tangle together through the fog—annoyance, worry, and, regretfully, interest. As it vibrates, you debate whether to answer. His late-night calls aren’t…unusual, but they always leave you conflicted.

With a resigned sigh, you swipe and bring the phone to your ear, voice thick with drowsiness and edged with a feigned indifference. 

"Kyle, it's the middle of the fucking night," you grumble, rolling to your back. You have an inkling of what his call is about.

He doesn’t bother with a ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you’ but jumps straight to business. Something wicked curls in your chest, smug and vindicated at the sound. 

Shamelessly, he groans, "Babe, I’m close," There’s a distinctly slick noise down the line. "Can you…Fuck. Can you just talk to me?”

You roll your eyes at his request. Heat creeps into your cheeks, and you try to ignore it. You keep your tone steady and nonchalant, echoing, “Talk to you.”

“J-Just talk. Anything. It’ll help,” He swallows audibly. “If it’s easier, I can be there in ten, and we can—”

“Absolutely not,” you hiss. Like hell, you’ll have him over. Inside you. “Why should I do anything for you? You throw me out of your life for your job, and then just expect me to get you off whenever you want?”

“Fuck, yeah, thassit.” 

“Kyle!”

You shift in bed, pushing off the covers slightly. Visions of him fisting his cock come to you unbidden. It’s embarrassing how clearly you can imagine it. You dig your teeth into your lip. Down.

He chuckles, the sound breaking with a hitch, and speaks matter-of-factly. “You fuckin’ love it. You love how I fuck you, don’t you? You know how I’d fuck you right now.”

You rub your temple. “You have such a way with words.”

His voice softens, but you still hear him working himself over. The strain bleeding into his tone. “Help me out, please. I’m, ah, fresh off a work trip. A shit one. You always know how to make it better.”

There it is. The sweet talk. A Kyle Garrick special. 

“Come on, babe…If you’re not up for talking, my other suggestion’s on the table.”

And there that is. Him losing his grip on everything but his dick. Theoretically, you hold the power over him—his desperation is clearer than the signal. Your ear might be wet by the time you pull your phone away.

Still. Resentment with a side of horrendous yearning course through you. 

You know that with one word, he’d be right outside your door. A part of you wants it. Wants him begging in person, groveling after unceremoniously dumping you weeks ago.

“Your attitude is hardly charming.” You inject as much ice into your voice as you can muster, but it melts at a pitchy breath on his end. Sitting up with resolve, definitely not resignation or defeat, you switch the lamp on and lean against your pillows. A restlessness grows, the inevitable response to Kyle’s calls that seems to always derail any semblance of willpower you pretend to have.

“Babe…?” 

"Fine," You finally concede with a sigh. "What is it exactly you want me to say?"

Kyle groans out a yes. “Want you to tell me how much you miss my cock. How you need it.” It’s a wonder his ego fits through the mic. “Tell me, ah, how empty you feel without me. Make me believe it.”

At least he’s predictable. 

“Yeah…I…miss your—”

“Don’t patronize me, don’t lie to me. I know when you’re faking it, I always have,” He snaps with a sudden angry and impatient bite, so abrupt that it makes you think you were ignoring it before. “I said make me believe it. Do it, or I’ll come over there right now and we’ll sort out how you really feel.”

It’s bait. Kyle wants to rile you up. He always loved make-up sex. Indignation blooms regardless, the burn familiar and grating, but the worst part is that it works. It butts up against the low-simmering want in your belly. Your free hand twitches on the waistband of your shorts.

You close your eyes. You can do this. Whatever keeps him from turning up.

Wetting your lips, you begin again. “I miss you.” Instantly, your chest tightens. Too sentimental of a start. “I miss how you’d go down on me for hours, how you’d have to hold me down after a while. Not letting up until I was shaking or close to tears.”

“Fuck, yes, babe. Don’t like seeing you cry ‘less it’s like that.”

You loathe how the encouragement makes you feel. “Then how you’d use me to get your dick—”

“Yeah, fuck. Miss that pretty pussy. She always looks so gorgeous after a few kisses. Like she’s cryin’, too.”

Your blunt fingernails scorch through your bush so suddenly you jolt, having not realized your hand slipped into your shorts. You don’t retract it.

“And t-then you’d tease me a little more. With just your,” Your finger tucks right in. “Just the tip.”

“I like how needy your hole gets, fuck, flutterin’ and clenchin’ on nothing.”

Your thumb draws small, tight circles over your swelling clit. “When you finally put it in—like pure heat. Overwhelming.”

“Keep going, don’t stop,” He whines. “So fuckin’ close.”

“Already?” You dare a breathy laugh, slipping your middle finger in alongside your index. They’re nowhere near a proper substitute for Kyle’s fingers or cock, but you’ll make do.

“Babe.” Kyle snarls, huffing. The slick noise is louder. Fuck, he must be dripping.

You chuckle uneasily, then wedge your phone between your ear and shoulder, snaking your newly freed hand to pet your clit so you can fuck yourself better.

As you continue, it’s like there’s a phantom sensation of Kyle’s body against yours. His cock in place of your hand, when he’d pause his thrusting to slowly grind. “And, ah, when you were inside me, hard and deep, it was like nothing I’d ever felt.” You force a second, wry laugh, hedging your words with a sarcastic effect, but you swear you feel it. Your eyes squeeze shut, tongue darting out to lick the salt off your mouth. You might actually come from this.

“Fuck, babe…” Kyle’s breaths come in short bursts now. Maybe seconds from coming, you think. “Tell me you’re mine.”

Something must be twisted in your head. Your brain pauses, but your fingers don’t. You’re near drooling onto your phone and pillow, both hands working yourself at a desperate pace. A sliver of reason begs you to pry a hand out of your underwear and hang up.

You’ve done dumber things, surely.

“I’m yours.”

Kyle grunts into the line and mutters a storm of curses. You picture him bucking off the mattress, heels dug into it, sheets rucked down to his knees, shirt pulled up to…

“Fuck. Finally,” He sighs, whistling low as he comes down. Then he yawns, and you hear him adjusting in bed. “Well, thanks babe. Same time next week?”

Your eyes bulge in the dark, fingers startling to a stop at the rapid change in conversation. You fumble for your phone. “I don’t—”

“G’night, love.”

Click. 

You nearly throw your phone. Grumbling, you blindly open your bedside table, grab your vibrator, and finish business. 

Stupid. Pompous. Greedy. Bastard.

You’re only slightly ashamed when you come clenching around your fingers, imagining him instead. As you wash up, hoping that rubbing one out helps you into a dreamless sleep, your phone buzzes again.

Then, a distant knock at the door to your flat.

>> gonna let me in, or is one enough for you?

[crepezinhos]

Last Minute Together

POV: How would some Anemo guys react if they found out you became a zombie / have been bitten by a zombie in an apocalypse?

⚠️ WARNINGS:

— This is a SFW piece, but it has some mentions about infections, blood, violence, organs and zombie nature, especially in the Xiao one. It is pretty graphic.

— Reader is FEMALE and uses SHE/HER pronouns

— Characters included: Wanderer and Xiao

— This happens in the Genshin universe, not Modern AU, so they all still have their abilities and vision.

— Angst with comfort

WANDERER: The apocalypse was simply something annoying to Wanderer, who is physically unable to be infected by the illness. Although his skin felt soft as human being’s, it was hard like his whole arm was a bone. No zombie bite and eat his skin, nor did the virus have place to reproduce inside his technical body. Because of that, Wanderer had almost all the responsibility for the protection of the village you two lived in, spending more than 12 hours a day every day working on it. He made 2 out of 3 patrol shifts, usually day and noon so he could spend the night with you, even if he didn’t need to sleep at all. The feeling of your embrace was too good and relaxing for him to deny just to spends more hours doing nothing but watching over monotonous deserts. He would also fight in the front line whenever conflict was happening since he was obviously very quick and good at killing zombies with his Anemo powers and saving people in dangerous situations with his flying abilities. He didn’t like those mundane jobs at all, although they did include protecting you too, but you insisted for him to do it, and even Buer, who claimed it could make him feel more humane and understand humanity more.

You were never a worry to him, tho. Wanderer was smart and would almost always predict conflict, so he’d keep you somewhere safe, like in a Pyramid’s old treasure spots that had many puzzles, traps and locks, before the danger even broke out.

Not until today.

The zombies outsmarted Wanderer’s predictions because of a ridiculous failure of the other human beings in the tribe you two were living in. One of the guards in the Pyramid Patrol left the gate open before running away to the West where conflict was going on to kill zombies. Wanderer only spotted the mistake while he was flying around, looking for any zombies that could potentially kill a human, and saw a hoard of zombies running into the Pyramid he put you in. He panicked for a while he flew back to you, but soon calmed down when he set you back to the ground, safe and untouched. He thought he had been lucky to have gotten you before the zombies could’ve eaten you alive, but you were already aware that maybe he didn’t get that lucky.

“Haven’t I told you to use that spear in case the zombies invaded?!” He scolded you while he walked you back to the village. That angry behavior was typical when Wanderer was worried, no matter if it was his fault or not.

“I’m sorry, my love, I really tried to but I just don’t have the power to—” You tried explaining yourself, but a sudden need to cough itched in the back of your throat, in which you complied to very quickly, putting a palm on top of your mouth to not disturb him with the sounds of it more than he already was disturbed.

You unexpectedly coughed 9 times in total with some breaks between them, which obviously made him raise an eyebrow.

“Are you okay?” He asked, stopping his walk to pay better attention in you. Since he was in front of you, you stopped walking too and leaned your chest down, allowing your coughs to come out easier from your mouth.

After making sure nothing was bothering your throat anymore, you got up again and wiped your mouth with the same palm you used to cover your coughs.

“Yeah, probably just allergies!” You smiled, trying to pretending you were sure baout it. After everything you’ve learned about the man, you would hate to be simply an addition to his traumas.

But, unlike what you expected, Wanderer looked at you back like he had just seen a ghost.

“Babe?” You asked, not understanding his horror, so you decided to check on the hand you used to cover your mouth, already thinking about the chance of you being infected.

And you hate when your pessimism is right.

“Human beings usually go through 4 noticeable stages before becoming a zombie according to how much they try to resist it or how much they’ve been bitten…

… The third one is usually noticeable by a sudden fatigue or an infection in the stomach that causes the victim to cough blood or other residues that remind vomit.”

Oh, that stupid scientific presentation you decided to watch with Wanderer! You were enjoying that moment of your boyfriend’s cute worried behavior so peacefully and now it was completely ruined...

“Y/N… were you bitten..?” He stepped a few times closer to you,like he was ready to confront you in case you lied right into his eyes.

“I… n-no—” You still tried to do it, which made Wanderer instantly launch his left arm into yours, pulling it so hard it could easily break your bones. “Ow!” You complained while Wanderer twisted it around.

He gasped.

You’d never heard that kind of noise coming from him and his usual stoic and nonchalant personality, so you immediately knew it was bad... really bad.

Wanderer breathed in and out, and then again, and again, and again... his eyebrows also frowning the more he breathed.

He was beginning to panic.

Your eyes decided to follow his, giving up on the possibility that you weren’t bitten, meeting a bite that had already turned some of your veins and skin into a dark, mossy green tone.

Oh, wow… you were really going to die in matter of minutes, weren’t you? What were you thinking when you decided to not tell him? You wouldn’t be able to cure it anyway, so why are you regretting it?

Your brain was still deciding whether it would act instinctually, trying to survive or make every second of your last moments useful, or philosophically, accepting your death like any other. You kept quiet, disappointed at yourself and unsure of what to tell him after betraying him so cruelly like that.

“No... No, no, no, no, no, no…” Wanderer started to let that growing panic out of his mouth, his heart finally beginning to burn with the realization of the the fact that you were really about to die and become a mockery of reincarnation, a zombie. “NO! NO!” He suddenly bursted, launching his both hands into you, making you flinch and close your eyes shut in fear of aggression.

In a blink, your arms were thankfully freed from his grip, but you weren’t feeling your feet in the ground anymore.

You opened your eyes insecurely, only to find yourself being held princess-style by Wanderer’s arms and flying forward in a tremendous speed.

“No, no, no, no… You’re not gonna die, YOU’RE NOT GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA SAVE YOU IN TIME AND EVERYTHING WILL FINE!” He screamed to himself, not even daring to look at you with teary eyes.

Flying with Wanderer used to be magic before the apocalypse. You two would do it for pure fun, enjoying the chilly wind or the beautiful views of Sumeru’s nature… but now it seemed a horrible, traumatic experience.

It truly hurt to know that Wanderer still had hopes even if he knew nothing would be able to cure you from the virus. He has actually already mocked other people’s miseries in private conversations with you, saying those tears and hopes for a cure were useless since they were far from being done with it. Seems like karma really is real, isn’t it? But you hated to have to be the victim of that karma… to have to leave him behind in such an ugly, unfair way, knowing everything about the miseries of his past life and how he had a lot of problems with coping.

Poor baby… he really wasn’t ready to lose you like this… not did he think he’s lose you like this.

Would you just be another ‘betrayal’ to him? You hated that possibility. You truly had no intentions of leaving him behind.

Would he get so angry at your death that he’d hurt other people, including you, or his own self? You also hated that possibility. All you wanted, instead of spending time with him, was to see everyone safe and well.

“I love you, Kuni.” You tried comforting him, using that sweet, blessed name the Traveler gave him after his redemption, causing his face to flinch away from yours in pure grief.

“SHUT UP! DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!” His voice broke multiple times, showing to you how his tears were already running through cheeks indeed and all that despair he was trying to hide.

Oh, how his heart was burning him alive… And he thought losing the Gonsis was the most painful thing he could feel… barely did he know.

But no how could you be so cruel to him? He already knew you weren’t immortal anyway, but he was ready to watch you grow old and die of something like a heart failure, not from a virus that made you some dangerous creature in a brutal way, especially when you were so young.

“Oh, Kuni… I was over the moment I was bit.” The man shook his head aggressively as he heard you say those negative words. “I didn’t want to leave you behind like this at all. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you.” Your mouth was beginning to water in hunger of flesh while Wanderer just let his tears fall more and more. “No need to cry this much, my love… remember the scientists said they’re working in a cure? Maybe I can come back to you!” You tried cheering him up, using a hand to wipe one of his tears away, feeling your own heartbeat become slower. “Look at me, Kuni.” He immediately turned his head to you, admiring your pitiful gaze and the touch of your hands for the last time. “Remember, you will always have something or someone to love and live for! So many people are willing to fall in love with you…” He closed his eyes, feeling every single syllable of your words like a brutal stab in his heart.

“Please stop..!” He begged while taking his gaze away from yours and tightening the grip of his hands in your body, although it wouldn’t stop you.

“Don’t do anything stupid for me, okay..? I want you to cope about this without putting anyone’s lives in danger.” You hugged him by the neck. “Thank you for everything, Kuni, and once again… I’m sorry.” You mumbled as you felt your body weaken to a point you could barely keep yourself hard in your place.

You were happy that at least you were going to die in the hands of your lover, flying in the warm skies of the deserts of Sumeru while remembering the sweet memories of you two doing it in the past.

“No, please..! You promised me you’d stay with me until you grew old! You promised to be by my side every morning! You promised me you wouldn’t betray me! Please, hold on just a little bit more! I can’t afford to have you dying like this in front of me!” He found courage to look at you in the eye again, only to find your face fallen down with eyes closed and a little grin in your lips. “Y/N..?” His voice was as low as a whisper.

But you didn’t respond.

“… Stage 4 is the death of the victim and the process of reincarnation of the body thanks to the virus, noticeable by sudden twitches of the victim’s chest and limbs.”

Time seemed to have stopped for Wanderer miring that scene of you, no matter if he had managed to successfully land on the ground in his knees still with you in his arms.

“Y/N..?! Y/N?! Y/N, ANSWER ME!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs to your corpse, causing everyone around to curve their heads in his direction.

“Hat Guy..?” The archon’s voice suddenly echoed by his side, but he couldn’t care any less about her.

“No, no, no, no, no, no…” He hugged your body like he was about to break every bone of it, feeling that warmth of your skin fly away from it so easily while the archon stepped closer to the scene, soon realizing what had happened due to all the blood around your mouth and all the greenish tones in the veins of your body.

Wanderer started weeping in your shoulders, trying to hide it from everyone else although it was pretty obvious he was crying. Everything was so quiet around him he could even hear whispers.

Everyone around was whispering instead of doing something truly useful.

Nahida hugged his neck from behind, ignoring the fact that that was a really dangerous move. If she doesn’t say something perfect to him at this brutal moment and state, she knows he’ll explode.

“I am deeply sorry for your loss, Hat Guy.” She whispered in his ear.

“No, no, no… I can’t lose her too..!” He shook his head to the sides, still not daring to take his forehead out of your wet shoulder like that would somehow keep your soul in your body.

The Archon deeply admired you too, so she was feeling the blues of your death with Wanderer. She thought you were a brave soul for accepting being the lover and companion of someone so difficult like Hat Guy, and a very kind person overall, so she knew that losing you would break his heart. Nahida decoded to simply embrace the man’s emotions in that hug, wanting to avoid any anger trigger. It was working as expected since his cries were only getting louder and uglier.

He cried and cried, no matter if hours had passed, or if Nahida left him there, or if you had already woke up and become a green savage who was trying your best to bite his porcelain skin apart. He simply hugged you in place and cried while you didn’t do any effort to embrace him back or stop trying to eat him and everyone around you. He hated how you were somewhere he couldn’t reach, because he would’ve brought you back in an instant. That’s why he kept hugging you. He just wanted to feel every bit of you before it all drifted away. He just wanted to die there by your side in hope that would you two would somehow reconnect.

The sunset was so beautiful despite the ugly scene he was creating. He knew you’d be commenting about it right now if you were alive and he imagined it, trying his best to make himself feel better, but honestly, creating and remembering memories was really just making him sadder.

“Why..? Why..?!” He whimpered under your neck, no matter if you were pulling his hair, attempting to bite his neck.

“Hat Guy.” The Archon appeared behind him once again, this he could hear more steps of other people that seemed to be wearing armor. Guards. “I really do understand you’re going through a tough moment, but we cannot keep Y/N unrestrained in the village.” Nahida begun her negotiation.

“No… please don’t take her away from me… anything but her..!” He answered, still burying himself in your cold body, even harder now that there was a threat.

“We do not intend to take her away from you or terminate her life. We intend to keep her in a safe room inside the laboratory where she’ll be well-treated and prioritized in case a cure to the virus is real.” She continued trying to convince him peacefully, but deep down she knew those guards weren’t ‘just in case’. Wanderer would act aggressive if someone annoyed him in that state.

At least she managed to make him raise his face up to her again. Nahida was a little taken aback with the amount of red he had in his eyes because of all the gallons of tears he shed during those hours and just how sore they were.

“A cure..? There is a cure..?!” He looked at her with desperate, pitiful eyes which made Nahida feel bad about being forced to destroy that hope.

“No, although we’re working in one, we can’t guarantee that—”

“Wait.” His whole chest suddenly turned to her and the guards behind her, still holding you still, but his tone sounded completely serious and rough. “Are you… from the Pyramid Patrol..?” Wanderer stared deep down at one of the guard’s eyes like he was seeking for blood. His bipolarity was still something impressive to many people.

At the same time… Nahida knew he’d let you go if he found someone to point, blame and kill. The guard wasn’t even from the Pyramid Patrol, or any patrol, he was an elder who worked for her as an assistant. She didn’t want to possibly harm real soldiers, although she did punish the ones that were guilty for your death with obligatory extra hours at night shift.

“Yes.” The man answered very anxiously about his role in that situation. Thankfully his helmet covered most of his face, so Wanderer couldn’t identify his cowardness.

But that stop him from scoffing once, then twice, then from laughing like a maniac.

Laughing in anger and sadness, laughing like he was trying to fight against his own thirst for blood, laughing at human stupidity.

“I work… 16 hours per day every day… saving and recruiting everyone’s ass from their own useless, powerless bodies… just because I can’t get infected or reproduce. If I wanted to do nothing or throw zombies at this village, I could, but I decided to not to because that would’ve made her disappointed. I sacrificed all of my time to have some quality time with her just because she wanted me to help everyone who needed help… and I did my job perfectly.” He shook your body sometimes, trying to show him what he had done. “DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! SHE ACCEPTED THE FACT I WOULDN’T HAVE TIME FOR HER AT ALL JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED EVERYONE TO BE SAFE AND HEALTHY IN THIS SHIT OF A VILLAGE! ALL YOU THREE HAD TO DO WAS TO TAKE CARE OF SOME STUPID PYRAMIDS FOR SOME HOURS ANS YOU COLDN’T EVEN DO THAT! AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR THIS HELLHOLE, YOU COULDN’T KEEO THE ONLY THING I ASKED FOR!” He vented, already sounding violent enough as Nahida expected, inches away from leaving your body behind.

“We’re… very sorry for—” The man tried fitting into his character nicely, but that was the worst decision he could’ve made.

“I’M GONNA SHOW YOU JUST HOW SORRY YOU SHOULD BE, YOU SON OF A—!”

Blink!

It all happened in less than a second, but Wanderer indeed let go of your body just to fuel his fists with Anemo energy and try jumping on the man to try hurting him with his charged punch. Since Nahida predicted he’d do that, she immediately turned on the Dendro shields she had been creating this whole time while he vented, taking advantage of the fact that he was too unstable to pay attention to her fingers doing the magic and used her manipulation powers to make him pass out. He’d probably hurt her too if he saw her attempting to separate you from him or defending the man so she had to act in silence.

Wanderer fell in ground immediately and you obviously tried to take the opportunity to flee and eat people. Fortunately, you’d never be able to break the shield she made around you, so you were banging and scratching the shiny, transparent green wall while drooling with the view of some scares kids who were watching the scene.

.

After some days, Wanderer woke up feeling very dizzy and lost. Nahida knew he’d need some good rest with some good dreams for him to not wake up and immediately go for the kill he had almost committed, so she made sure her finality on him was more brutal than usual and that he wasn’t having any nightmares meanwhile. That’s also why she also arranged most people in the town to bring him gifts and cards to possibly cheer him up and apologize for nothing.

“I don’t care about this, Buer. Stop trying to waste your time trying to make me smile or something stupid like that.” He scoffed at her while ripping a card in half of one the guards that failed to protect you.

“That’s not what she would want tho, would it?” Wanderer’s eyes avoided her gaze, knowing she was right and that his tough and unreasonable behavior wouldn’t scare her off.

“You know nothing about her.” Since the topic still triggered him a lot, he tried to put Nahida back to her place.

“You tried doing something stupid, and she told you to not do it, am I wrong?” She smiled at him, pretending she wasn’t acting like a tough therapist.

Wanderer went quiet for some seconds. He hated to be wrong, he hated when Nahida peeked his mind, he hated the gods… but he hated your death more than anything.

“You peeked through my mind again..?” Wanderer asked in embarrassment of his own failure to keep a promise to you and honoring you.

“Yes, I did. I want to help you cope with Y/N’s death just like she wants you to too. That’s why I think you should accept all these letters and gifts. This is just a small percentage of how much everyone in the city feels bad for you or that they owe you something! You have no idea how much they’re trying to redeem their mistakes so it doesn’t happen again with you or anyone else, Hat Guy. Y/N is in the laboratory as I promised, but I wouldn’t recommend you to go and see her… You don’t want to see her in such horrible state, do you? Anyway, the scientists are trying their best to work on a vaccine and a cure for the ones that are already infected, prioritizing you as their number 1 patient. The guards are already patrolling extra 4 hours in their shifts every single day, you are allowed to never work again for the village, it’s too many things for me to list…” She watched his face slowly turn calm and relaxed, although he was still grumpy.

“That’s… the bare minimum.” He crossed his arms and closed his eyes, trying his best to deny his defeat against Nahida’s logic.

“Although you are hurt and want Y/N to come back, I don’t want your hopes for a cure to hurt you even more in case it can’t be done. There is a considerable chance that this really isn’t possible, but we’re really trying to make sure it is possible, okay?” She gently floated until she was kneeing by his side in the comfy sheets of the bed.

“… Sure.” He felt his heart ache thinking about the possibility of never having the chance to see you again, his mouth beginning to tremble a little in need to cry just some more tears.

The thought of going to Irminsul again and changing the past again just to make sure you’d survive all of that unnecessary drama went even through his mind, but he knew Nahida would give him serious consequences for it, including fixing the present.

“But please… make sure those scientists are working on it..! I’ll do anything for the chance of her coming back! I’ll work, I’ll pay, I’ll study everything I need to understand the process of—!” He finally stared back at the Archon with many tears in his glossy eyes.

But Nahida simply hugged him by the neck and stopped his begging.

And Wanderer— no… Kuni broke down again.

XIAO: Although Xiao technically has a human body and can get infected, it would be pretty much impossible for that to happen. He’s just that good at fighting, especially when he’s using his powers. He has to be careful tho. Zombies are a curse, and whenever you take the life of something cursed its soul their souls curse him back in form of karmic debt. Xiao has enough of that curse annoying his routine and ruining his physique, so he usually leaves the kill itself for the humans that work with him in the front line. But you… he’d always leave you in the Jade Chamber with Ningguang and the other Adepti when there was an emergency, taking advantage of the privilege he had of being an Adeptus too, but you still insisted in spending most of your time in the few parts of the city that were restored by humanity and not surrounded by zombies. That remaining humanity is definitely therapeutic to you, so he couldn’t blame you for being so annoying about it… or being there in the wrong time.

Xiao was patrolling on his own in the top of a mountain when the problem happened. He liked to be solitary and he used those patrolling hours to be his own self too. Xianyun had to fly all the way from South to North to tell him to tell what happened and that they needed his help. Some kids decided to play with danger and go out of the bounds they had set in those safe spots in the Liyue Port, and when they met themselves with the obvious danger, they ran back to the city, but they couldn’t hold the enormous hoard of the zombies that followed them. They had lost a chunk of the town and many survivors already, but Xiao, after hearing about the invasion of zombies in the city, was only focusing on his own memories of that same morning.

“I’m gonna go to the town to get some groceries for us, okay? Good luck on your patrol today!”

You were there, weren’t you?

Xiao teleported in a blink, leaving Xianyun behind mid-talk in a very rude manner.

He was running in the streets like he was running for his life. The zombies that saw him there started running towards his direction, but quick slashes of his blade were enough to shut them all down. He even recognized some of the faces of the merchants and kids he’d seen in the few times when he took a break from work, which was disturbing, but not more than the thought of your own face distorted like that.

He quickly opened the door of the market you were probably referring to and locked it shut so no zombie would get in, no matter how loud and annoying their bangs on the door were.

“Y/N?!” Xiao screamed. “Y/N?!?!” He screamed again, a little more nervous.

“Xiao..?” He heard a spark of your muffled voice.

His hearing was precise, so he immediately figured out where it came from, behind a door with a big sign with the word ‘Deposit’ on it. He rushed to open it, only to find out that the handle was locked in its place.

“Break it.” Your voice sounded more clear now that he was closer to you, but your tone was still very weak and low.

Were you still trying to be silent so no zombie would hear you? What an absurd, he was right there to protect you… he thought.

He nodded, although you couldn’t see him doing it, and slashed the door in half with his spear, jumping through the lower part of it as soon as he could. The first things his eyes saw was a dead zombie sitting in the left corner of the room, which made him relieved.

“Thank god you are okay..! Nice job killing the zom—” He genuinely smiled at you for your achievement as a mere weak female, but looking at you completely replaced his pride with horror.

You were sat down with your legs spread apart, your mouth covered in blood and an enormous bite in your chest.

He felt like his heart has skipped multiple beats.

“W-Wh… you…” Xiao tried to say something, but he didn’t want to describe what he saw at all.

“I’m sorry, Xiao… I couldn’t do it.” You sounded sad and disappointed at yourself. “At least I got to see you before I died here..!” You shed a tear, which made Xiao immediately rush to you.

“No… no, no, no, no…” Xiao repeated while trying to take a closer look at your bite, hoping it maybe hadn’t spread around you yet.

He was too late, way too late.

He began to hyperventilate in pure stress.

“Come here…” You reached a hand out to his face, gently trying to pull it closer to you.

He immediately accepted it and helped you do it. No matter how much blood you had around your mouth or how bad you smelled, it was still you and your consciousness behind that corpse, one that was about to die right in front of his eyes.

He didn’t want to accept that he failed you so horribly like that. He didn’t want to accept that your soul was already drifting away from you and that you were really going to die right there and now. He was more angry at himself than anything. He thought he was so powerful but he couldn’t even keep a stupid, microscopic virus from killing you.

“Please… take care of the people , okay..?” You wiped a tear was running down his cheek, finally reaching your other hand into his other cheek. “For me.” Xiao got the message immediately and smacked his mouth against yours, no matter how much you tasted like flesh and rotten blood.

He wouldn’t kiss you so frequently, only doing so in moments he considered intimate or special, but this was far from being intimate or special… it was dread and painful. He would’ve kissed you for the rest of eternity, but your oxygen storage had been too reduced, so after some minimum seconds, you broke it off, launching your head backwards to breathe while Xiao tried his best to keep his senses in place when he realized your eyes were having to make effort to keep themselves open.

“Hey… at least I managed to kill a zombie! I’m not as weak you thought I was..!” You joked, trying to cheer him up a little bit, giggling somehow.

You weren’t the kind of person to keep their body fit, so you’d usually struggle with things that required strength, even with opening bottles, which was why Xiao would jokingly call you weak. Although he did believe humans were really weak, he never meant to genuinely insult you with those puns.

“You were never weak… never.” He shed many tears seeing you stare and smile at him no matter how much energy that cost you. “You did so well…” He whimpered, his voice beginning to break.

“I love you Xiao.” You initiated, pausing for a moment to swallow some blood that you felt like coughing. “I’ll be watching you from above… okay..? Now go, please… Lock me up here so I won’t hurt anyone, okay..? I’m sorry for having to leave you behind so pathetically and easily like this. If I could stay alive for you, I would anything for it right now.” You said your final words, your hands finally becoming too weak to hold his face anymore, falling in your chest peacefully.

“I would too… I love you too…” He shoved his face in your shoulder begun to whimper.

And you finally stopped moving.

Xiao’s tears were all falling over your body mercilessly although he swore he was trying to hold them back.

He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

You were the fifth person he’d lost because of this sort of illness that kills and turns into something horrible for others and the first one he saw the moment of death of. They were all different by literal meaning, but all the tears shed for the grief were the same.

But this time, he lost the only person who had ever given him a chance to love more than in a friendly way. The only person who had been intimate him, emotionally or sexually. That’s why he almost turned your bones into dust while hugging you with all his force, feeling your soul fade away to a place he couldn’t reach. He hates that feeling, he hates it badly. He hates it so much he would allow himself to become a person you’d never seen for the moment.

A side of himself he personally hasn’t seen in centuries.

He slashed the doors of the market away from him, breaking them into tens of pieces, opening passage quickly like he was some sort of king. The zombies immediately jumped on his direction, but with another slash he cut all of them in half, blood and pieces of organs flying everywhere.

Xiao was red. His eyes desired red and they were red from being sore. His body was already half covered in that dark red tone that pleasured him, but the disgusting pieces of green skin ruined some of his fun. He didn’t care if some of those zombies weren’t supposed to be killed, he wanted to see blood come out of them all, just for the sake of revenge for the tragedy of your desth.

It’s just a fair trade isn’t it?

One by one, he slashed each zombie until they fell still in the ground, no matter if he cut their heads off or not. He was screaming and growling in anger, exhaustion, agony, grief, and pain. He needed to let those emotions out of him, as tears or screams. In a matter of a few minutes, the ground he stepped on had become a pool of blood on it with some parts of zombies here and there, his boots making squishy noises of flesh, broken bones or blood coming out whenever he stepped. It’s like he wanted to make sure the stones of the streets got forever stained with that color, marking his anger attack on that day and the consequences of your death. He would’ve found it a beautiful scene if there was a statue of you right in the middle of all that pool.

He was only done when he had successfully eradicated all the zombies the area, restoring the area all by himself like what he had done was a common daily chore. He ended where he started, in front of the market. Some humans even watched him do his work, but most couldn’t handle the amount of blood and organs that were shed. Now that is was done, they were all coming in to close the gates of the area again and dispose of the cadavers, praising Xiao for his work every time they passed through him, who was simply standing and staring at nothing. He knew he had just made an enormous task for the city, at the cost of some chunk of his soul, but he didn’t care about it. He did all that because of you, because he wanted you, or at least to keep your promise done.

“Euuurgghhh…” Something growled behind him, which Xiao immediately figured it was a zombie that somehow hadn’t died yet.

“M-Mr. Adeptus, behind you!” Some human called him out, reaching out a hand to call his attention better.

The human’s annoying voice triggered Xiao into immediately piercing the zombie from behind, without even looking at it, too focused on the pleasure he got from miring his own massacre.

But he was curious. How did that zombie manage to survive him? He decided to turn his face around to see what mistake he had committed.

Oh, if the only mistake was the way he had slashed the zombie…

It was you.

Xiao gasped in silence, too afraid to move another inch of that spear that was crossing your heart all the way to your back. Some humans looked at the scene confused, some looked shocked and worried, recognizing you and exactly what you were to Xiao.

Oh… why did he have to pierce your heart so perfectly? Why was he so intrigued in the bloodbath and triggered some random human’s words rather than being the precise Adeptus he was? The only thing you asked him to do was to leave you locked in that room… and he successfully broke it in minutes for something that wasn’t even worth it.

You were screaming in pain and agony savagely as expected of a zombie and Xiao just stood paralyzed, feeling new tears form in his eyes and his hands trembling. If you were really watching him from the sky, you would be witnessing that hypocritical view of his own hands taking your life away and he felt like he wanted to vomit because of it.

The more energy you wasted trying to get out of his hook and eating him, the quicker it took you to lose consciousness and life once again. The only second chance of life that Tevyat gave you in form of a zombie.

“Y/N..?” He whimpered your name.

If he thought he had already shed enough tears when you died in his arms as a human being, now that he was the murderer of your possible second chance, who was going to be cursed by the person he loved the most, cried until he lost his voice for days.

.

“Do you wish me to set the lantern in the water for you, Mr. Adeptus?” The woman asked to Xiao, going in front of him just to offer her hands to hold the lantern in his hands.

“No, thank you. Just hold me in my chair.” He replied, leaning down close to the floor although he could easily fall from his wheelchair.

The woman quickly reached Xiao’s waist and held him from falling, very worried about his lack of preoccupation for his health. Xiao hated what had become of him over the years, so he always tried to act independent of medicines or his wheelchair. He used to be the one to take care of everyone’s burdens and now he was a burden to everyone.

How did he get so worse to a point he couldn’t even walk anymore? You. After watching you die twice, the grief and regret possessed him with the help of his karmic debt. All those curses he held in chest every day were finally out of their cage and they only went back to it when he couldn’t even make use of it anymore. It was ugly, really ugly. He hunted down zombies every single hour and day of his life to somehow compensate what he had done to you like you were really watching him from afar although it didn’t make him feel any better deep down in his heart. It quickly consumed most of his soul, including his legs, so now he’s finally just a citizen trying to live in peace with himself.

He also started therapy. Morax and all of his Adepti companions kept insisting him to do it, so he decided to give up resisting it. It doesn’t fully help him, but it does make him feel more peaceful about your death. That’s also how he found out about setting lanterns in the Lantern Rite to honor your spirit. It was a better and healthier way to cope and honor you, so every year he counted the days until he could do it again.

The lantern finally managed to touch the water after doing a lot of effort to do it, watching it gently sway away from him, going back and forth multiple times, just like he watched your life sway away too.

He jumped back to his chair, still watching it in pure silence and in his own little world.

“Can I ask who was she again, Mr. Adeptus?” The caretaker asked.

She was kind, as expected from one and very curious about the almighty man she took care of. Since the tradition of setting a lamp in the sky or sea was about honoring something or someone, she knew it was probably someone important to him that had died in battle.

“You wanna hear me talk about her again for the third time?” He asked, a little grin showing up on his face.

He couldn’t tell if therapy was the one who helped him become more gentle and sweet with other people, or if it was just what his memories of you did to his tough shell.

Don’t forget to like and comment if you liked it <3

Taglist: @amoyanderes @alatusorrow @kindofshyent @kindofscenic @the-stinky-winky @luminieee

[ghostgirl101]

Being In A Relationship With Feyd-Rautha Would Be Like This...

A/N: Yes yesss, I'm back from the deepest depths of the dead, finals kicked my ass earlier but now its almost october and I'll burn any exam paper I see from this moment onwards 😀 don't even question why I used this gif, it pretty much summarises the whole headcanon lmao🖤so enjoy it and lmk if you want to be added to the taglist thing at the end. Keep in mind that requests are not open currently, as I'm catching up with ones already in my inbox for Dune and other dark fandoms.

Warnings: Kind of dark themes, mid violence.. it's Feyd Rautha, idk what to tell you 😐

Next Week's Fanfic: Headcanons for a love triangle between you, Feyd-Rautha and Paul Atreides 😎😎

☠︎︎• You got yourself into some weird territory with this one 😵‍💫

☠︎︎• If you're expecting any semblance of stability and pure romance, then I'd turn and run for the Dunes to find Paul instead, because this Harkonnen doesn't have an ounce of level sanity in him, and the amount of spiking tension you'll have to cope with on a daily basis is enough to give anyone a literal heart attack 💀💀

☠︎︎• My guesses are that you were introduced to Feyd-Rautha as either a pretty young Bene Gesserit girl chosen to weave her way into his life to continue the bloodline, or he liked the look of you when he was off-world in one instance to look over Spice production with his uncle, and took you back as a trophy because he liked the look of you. So lucky you. 🙃

☠︎︎• This boy is an absolute sadist and an unpredictable unhinged mess, so there's a lot to get used to, and even when you do get used to things, it could all flip and spin just as quickly. It would take a hell of a time to truly understand Feyd-Rautha enough to predict him one hundred per cent and longer to have his trust that you won't run off or try betraying him.

☠︎︎• There's definitely a kind of dangerous allure to him that he uses to his advantage, a smug grin on his face when he enters the arenas, most likely to make kills in your name. It wouldn't be a massive surprise if you became some figure in Giedi Prime to sacrifice the dead to, like some kind of goddess of the kill (ik that sounds dramatic as hell, but i see it happening .-.)

☠︎︎• Feyd-Rautha is absolutely not used to the concept of looking out for anyone other than himself, or feeling anything close to respect and love for anyone other than himself. So the relationship he forces between you and him is a shaky and slow-burning bond that works in its own weird ways and quirks, and adapts to him and him only, so there are a lot of adjustments to be made on your end. Because even though Feyd isn't sensitive in the general sense, he's majorly unpredictable, and one wrong word could set him off. Just, tread carefully in the early days.

☠︎︎• If you want affection in any other way than corpses and bruising hickies, it may take a little while, because he has no idea how to pull that kind of gentleness off, and doesn't necessarily want to either. But if it's something that'll get you to submit to his hold over you more, then he'll come round to it, and when there's absolutely no one else in the area, you might get some actual, genuine passion, though there's always a part of it mixed in with some darker conflict in him.

☠︎︎• If you want attention from him, you've got it anyway. Feyd has his own form of attachment, pretty much an obsession, but it's always tangled in with his desire to dominate and possess. It's a suffocating relationship and tipped-scales dynamic, and the only way you can really get him to see your side of things is by wording it in ways that'll make it sound like it was his idea in the first place, and that the reason is because it'll feel better for him.

☠︎︎• Needless to say, if you're a little firmer and have a dark side to you (i'll make a safe bet that you do if you want this guy x_x) this Harkonnen is a thrill seeker to the extreme, someone always looking to feel something new and raw and insatiable, like the sharpest peaks of ecstasy and adrenaline, so will he try out new stuff with you even though it sounds mental and freaky and dangerous? That's a rhetorical question.

☠︎︎• Despite all the bloodshed and his ruthless havoc in the arenas, taking lives and living for the pain of it, believe it or not, Feyd is actually vulnerable in the least suspecting way. He doesn't have an emotional connection with anyone, because he's an unhinged psycho amongst a crowd of pale unhinged psychos who expect nothing less (and.. have you watched the film?? It's confirmed that this dude has mummy issues, so... i'm just saying, look at this hc's front gif 😏)

☠︎︎• If we're talking romance and affection, just think intense. Intense intense intense, because that's the best way to describe it. His hugs are breathtakingly tight and forcefully smothering, and he doesn't kiss, he full-on makes out with you. Public or not doesn't matter, it's just an opportunity to mark you as his in front of an audience, and he'll gladly perform, so suck up your shyness.

☠︎︎• Thinking of pet names, I see Feyd-Rautha calling you either by just your true first name and having everyone else address you just by your general title, or using other typical nicknames he'd use with satisfied smirks and lingering looks. Maybe his dearest darling, because you're higher than the pets he feeds and used before you (apparently they're called harpies??!? idk what the heck lol) I don't see him saying my love or honey unless he's just being a jackass in an argument, because I'm betting my life savings this boy only eats bitter things, and he sure as hell can't define love like you can.

☠︎︎• Feyd comes across as pretty dominant in everything he does, which is right, and even if it's you questioning him, he'll throw a dangerous fit that escalates within a second no one sees, so, again you have to be clever with the way you word things. You physically and mentally cannot be independent with Feyd-Rautha, because he'll break that spirit right out of your soul. Would he physically hurt you? Not badly, no, but just don't push him, because he'll lash out without a second thought in the moment of impulse.

☠︎︎• Again with the independence, another thing that stops you from getting any is how absolutely suffocatingly obsessive he can get, which turns on his possessiveness. You're essentially an extension of himself, something that's peaceful and pure and perfect in so many ways he'll never understand and will always pull your mind apart to try to. So if any other skulking Harkonnen looking to impress you by challenging Feyd himself or devoting a kill in the arena to you, has immediately chosen the slowest, most humiliating death, that you'll probably be tied down to watch -_-

☠︎︎• And if he can tell in even the smallest way that you're drawn to someone aside from him, there's a chance you'll be kept locked up in his chambers for a month or two with no servants, nothing breathing at all permitted to trespass except him, until he's satisfied and you have him wrapped around your finger again. And that means you can get him to do practically anything if it benefits him and draws you closer, like a kill.. to maybe even destroying a whole planet, it's not impossible for him. Once he has his mind set on something, he's a hunter, he's found his target, and he'll go wild until he destroys it.

☠︎︎• He's protective in the way that he will not let you die, or get hurt in any way by any person other than him. If another Harkonnen draws your blood in the tiniest scratch, or hurts your feelings in some way, Feyd will use that as an excuse to wring their necks. You're his to look at and admire and dress up and be close to and make you feel things, so anyone else daring to step up beside you will get knocked down and fed to his darlings. The only time you'll actually see him being doting and surprisingly, cautiously gentle is when he's healing a wound without the audience of any nurses or outside help, an uncharacteristic and uncomfortable silence in the air as he concentrates and gets you back to rights.

☠︎︎• The moments where he'll allow himself to be truly close to you go unspoken, like in the cold hard nights of Geidi Prime, where he pulls you up from your bed and tugs you down the short dark corridor to dump you in his own instead, with nothing else but the need to feel smotheringly close to someone who understands how his mind works. You'll remind him of his mother, and that's all good, so long as you stay by him and with him always, because if you take the opportunity to turn and run, don't let him catch you in the act. There's a 50/50 chance he'll keep you in his rooms for the rest of the relationship, or just straight-up kill you and take in your memories and mind to possess you that way ._.

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Next Week's Fanfic: Headcanons for a love triangle between you, Feyd-Rautha and Paul Atreides 😎😎 ⊹˚₊‧───────────────────────────────────────────‧₊˚⊹

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added to this for my future Dune fanfics): @milaeth @ennycutie @nckcn @void21 @leighta @williamtt33 @deathsimp @tatumrileyslover @beebumbo @the-dark-dreamer25 @lilepad @skboo @keicdcat @1950schick @reggiesmoon @velosrantipole @yoonessa @anonymjuni @saturnhas82moons @xlxnq @frickyea-guacamole19 @meowmeeps @chalklate

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DUNE MASTERLIST ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆ MAIN MASTERLIST

[evilminji]

:T Hello there, Thought(tm) of the day...

I? Just remembered that Constantine's "Laughing Magician"(?) title is... f*ckin HEREDITARY?

Like?? As in The Constantine Meances have been out here, harrasing divinity and demons alike for GENERATIONS on behalf of a Good Time, the Lols, and probably Humanity if they can be arsed and you make a good case.

W... What chance would there even BE of at least like? HALF those f*ckers(conflicted but affectionate) NOT becoming Realms Ghosts? With the sh*t they're exposed too? With THEIR luck??

You think DEATH can trick them? Take them away for good? Take away the local Rat B@stard, Tricks Gods Just To See If He Can, Fate Is My Second Mistress and I Cuckold Glory On Your Mother's Bed, Constantine?

They run down main street, *ss in the breeze, wearing someone else's shirt and two shoes that don't match, not a stitch else, like run away lovers. Let Death TRY and catch them. Sorry, Luv, it's not them, it's definitely you.

..........I bet they're the wooooorst~~✨️

No joke, I bet they set up a whole *ss TOWN of Constantine.

Where the odds are in THEIR favor, gods fear to tread, and reality straight out stops working right. Like Diagonal Ally for B*stards, extended to a whole floating island. Everyone's related. It's Chaos. They can barely stand each other. Would sell each other for a toothpick.

Mess with ANY off them... and you can kiss your afterlife good bye.

They have NO neighbors because both no ones dumb enough to get NEAR them AND no one can stand to be around that many Constantines at once. The physical Manifestation of Fate wants to take the whole LOT of the handsy F*CKS to court for child support and a restraining order.

Somehow... they keep getting Earth Booze.

They SHOULDN'T have access. It's been anywhere from decade to centuries since they died. Millennium for a few. Howms't The F*CK, do they keep getting cheap gin and vodka? Bourbon and beer? Even the odd fruity cocktail for funnies.

Please... PLEASE! Tell the Zone at large, that their innate birthright powers STOPPED at Death. They... they are just REALLY good at smuggling right? Excellent con men?

Tell us they can't f*ckin PREDICT AND INFLUENCE Natural Portals!!!

*smug sipping noises from a large room full of Dead @ssholes*

Okay... They Won't Tell You~ 🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip*

Now! I hear you ask? Why are John's Terrible, Terrible, God Awful Ghostly Relatives relevant? Absurdly powerful as they are... they seem to take the afterlife as an extended "Ha! GET F*CKED, DEMONS WHO WANTED MY SOUL!" Vacation/Family get together.

Minded their business and expected everyone to mind THEIRS, or ELSE.

Didn't give two solitary SH*TS that Pariah woke from his little nappy-poo to cause a tantrum. After all, in their family? When DOESN'T some "great and terrible Power That Be" get itself in a snit? Meh... it's baby Johnny's turn to clean sh*t up. Best of luck to 'im~!

But THEN!

They must've been drinking... making out with their equally terrible and bamf trainwreck significant others... sitting around playing "who can cheat best at cards"... when? Huh.

Never seen the Fate and The Odds... STRANGLE like that.

Billions of billions of What-Ifs, Maybes, Could-bes, and more... suddenly YANKED towards a single spot. The allowance of Only One Outcome. Almost like what they can do, but... not, WRONG, per say...

Just... impossible.

There's NEVER.. JUST one way this plays out. You can control the big notes. The script. But the details and set dressing will always decide themselves.

NO ONE can just... Decide What Will Happen. And yet?

...............was....... was that Little Johnny? Has to be. Right? Where's his old man? Oi! Was that your Kid??! John's closest relatives are baffled. Nope. They can still feel him laying a beat down on some demon in Norway. So then? Who?

How?

Well mark them CURIOUS(tm).

They decide to actually get up. Put their various drinks and cards down. Put pants on. Somebody's done something... INTERESTING(TM) and they want to know what's up. So? Off they trot.

It's traumatizing for everyone who sees them. The Constantines have breached f*ckin B*stard Containment and are spilling into the Zone. On this! The DAY Pariah Waged A War! THEY JUST GOT RID OF HIM!

And Danny? His everything hurts. The Eyeballs are starting to come out of the woodwork and ARGUE about him like he's not even there. He's DANGEROUS blah blah blah. Give them the crown. Right now! Etc etc.

Somethings telling him not too.

It's... it's HIS isn't it? Has been for centuries and seconds. And... and... everyone one of him is King. There is only one of him. The Zone covers all the multiverse and all of the Hims that were and aren't here and helped and... and...! His head is starting to hurt.

But the more they try to push him to hand it over, the less he feels like unhanding the dang gaudy thing. No. His now. He'll use it as a DOOR stopper if he dang well feels like it! Stop yelling.

Then all these blonde ghosts saunter in... and all he can think is "F*ck. I think they noticed."

Huh?

@stealingyourbones @cyrwrites @bjurnberg @the-witchhunter @hdgnj

[otakuworks]

❛ 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒. angst w/fluff

feat. Caelus x GN!Reader | wc. 1.6K

sum. fireflies are fleeting creatures, and so were his feelings for you. . . or so you thought

cw. 2.0 spoilers, some intended lore inaccuracies but nothing major

note. no firefly slander in here, just some angsty thoughts I got after finishing 2.0 before bed

main.mlist hsr.mlist

Ambiguous relationships are unstable, often leads to misunderstandings. The balance that had been barely maintained by not invading each other's territory and not interfering with each other's business had begun to shake. With the appearance of a variable called Firefly. Disorganized thoughts strewn like scratches in your head.

"Caelus, how can you be certain she's trustworthy if she's hiding something from you?"

"I never said she was, she has her reasons if she doesn't want to tell me, but I'm inclined to help her now that she's in danger."

He never spared you a glance as he stalked to his room.

I was in danger once yet you never came to my aid. What's so special about her? Was your bitter thought.

There were so many questions you want to ask him. If you had tried to count them, you would have run out of fingers and toes. But when you opened your mouth, what came out was utter nonsensical question.

"What makes you so inclined to help her?"

He finally stopped and gaze over his shoulder. "She's important to me."

. . . And I'm not?

You're shakened, but his golden eyes were utterly calm. It would be absurd to tell this man to forget her and stay by your side. The idea of fleeing was anathema to him.

You don't even know the girl, but based on his descriptions prior she's exactly the type of girl he would go for and it's enough to add salt on your unrequited love.

It's obvious you two like each other that even March was able to pick up the tension, but you both remained on the neutral ground and never fessed up.

Meanwhile, Black Swan's knowing gaze traversed on your distraught ones as you follow the Trailblazer on his way back to the Dreamscape. She knows the moment she looked, conflicting feelings who are yet to be acknowledged are now catching up.

Once Caelus entered his room, the Memokeeper turned to you.

"One with a sincere heart prevails, young one. He's yet to be aware of your burgeoning feelings, having the initiative might help you with your current predicament." She advised.

You barely glanced at her as you downcast your eyes. "And endure the plausible rejection now that he has her? I'd rather be colored in green."

She chuckled. "Green with envy doesn't suit anyone. It's strange to me how certain you are with your prediction."

Sighing, you turned to meet up with the special guest whom he invited you to have a chat.

"I'll head first. Take care of him, although he can do most part of it, it wouldn't hurt to have another shield."

Black Swan merely smiled as she watched you walk away with a heavy heart. Ah young ones, always so blindsided with things that hinder them to confess.

"Apologies for the delay, your friend told me about their plans to meet with the IPC ambassador before going in the Dreamscape."

Caelus, who was about to dive in, halted at his steps and his shoulders stiffened. For a brief moment, the Memokeeper witnessed the renowned Intergalactic Baseballer summoning his grey bat.

"Aventurine? Why would they meet up with him?" Was his immediate response with furrowed eyebrows and clenched fists.

"That, I do not know. You can wait and ask them once we're done with the mission."

Who ever said he's a patient guy?!

"Well, my friend. What do you say?"

You groaned upon gracing your eyes with reality and a peacock suddenly greeted you by the tub. No wait, it's just the IPC representative.

"I-I must discuss the details with the others first before making a decision." You clutched the rim the of the tub to balance yourself from that disgruntling experience.

Transition sucks the most.

"Don't worry, I can wait but try not to make it long."

Honestly, you don't even know the reason why he's seeking you out for this. It was Caelus at first and now he's interested in doing business with you.

You're tempted to ask him but it might lead to a longer conversation and you want nothing more than to relax for a moment without sleeping.

You heard Aventurine bid his temporary farewell, but you failed to notice him stopping right at the exit before shaking his head. You were too focused on alleviating the dizziness that you failed to focus the shadow framing you

"What did he want with you?" Your blood froze right there and then

"Shouldn't that be my question? What are you doing here, in my room?" You couldn't look up at him and can only look on his knees which are the same level as your eyes.

Look up and you would see every emotion to exist on his face.

It came by a blur, you were sitting in the tub and the next you heard the water splashing followed by being engulfed by someone warm and sturdy.

He's hugging you.

You blinked once and twice.

Caelus' hugging you.

If you can even call it a hug when you feel your bones cracking.

It's not a foreign act, you've hugged once in awhile but it's usually with the four of you; Dan Heng, March and him. You've never exclusively hugged before so this notion surprised you.

"Caelus?" You softly called out as he buried his face in your hair.

"Nothing remains with me. My memories and past companies, I couldn't grasp them. Now I'm graced with so many friends, I'm always afraid everything will slip away once more and I'll be an empty shell you met in the Space Station." His voice is unusually mellowed, it reminds you of a child complaining about school.

You let yourself relaxed and surround him with your warmth as well and right at that moment you feel him abandoning his weight.

He wants to say more, however the recent events seemed to have an invisible force squeezing his heart and preventing him from talking, but it doesn't stop his tears from flowing.

I don't want to lose you, too.

He wants to say those to you, but his heavy heart and parched throat reign supreme. So he bared himself and cried to you, letting himself vulnerable in front of you, hoping that would be the bridge to convey his feelings that words cannot express at the moment.

©OTAKUWORKS_2024

[ironunderstands]

Dr. Ratios predictions, theories and ideas I have for his lore BECAUSE SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED AND I AM INSANE ABOUT HIM AAAAAAA

‼️INCLUDES DISCUSSION OF LEAKS SO BE WARNED‼️

So, I’m sure if you like Dr. Ratio even a little bit or have kept up with what leakers are doing, you have heard of a little something.

That little something being our new planet in coming in 3.0 is Ancient Greece inspired 

Oh boy.

And oh it gets better, thanks Sparkle for playing genderbend Ratio during Cosmoddesy because 

Yup, this is his planet.

I’m well aware it will be like 7 months before we start getting proper leaks about this place, but for now, let’s do some speculation shall we, because if there’s anywhere we are gonna get his backstory/lore/a story centered around him, it will be here.

So let’s begin 

Whatever the hell I think is gonna happen during 3.0

A) He will serve as a guide for the Astral Express in navigating this planet 

I don’t think he will immediately go to them to help, or they will immediately seek out him, but rather coincidentally or through the connivence of circumstance he will end up helping lead us around, at least partially until we really get roped into a conflict.

Or, it’s the other way around, where we kinda are left to our own devices a bit and then something happens and either by his own decision or something that’s forced upon him, Dr. Ratio now has to supervise from now on.

Personally I find the second option way more interesting and I think it has way more potential for angst so I’m going with that one let Ratio be dragged around by a malicious entity or his own experiences I’m so here for it. 

B) Something happens.

Wow, descriptive. 

Ok, what I really mean is that something bad happens like a prophecy comes true or the express breaks something or a stellaron comes to eat people’s grandmas and Ratio is implicated in it. 

And this is where the fun begins, as the nature of what this something is can completely shift the story in very interesting ways.

Perhaps he was prophesied to doom Amphoreous’s civilization with his presence or something, and was abandoned by his parents on another planet?

Perhaps he has connections to the leaders there who desired for him to be their puppet/tool, so he left to find his own path and now they are trying to force him back.

Perhaps he failed at a test of theirs when he was younger, some universal trait on the planet that he couldn’t live up to and was exiled because of it. Now that he’s back, they blame whatever bad thing happens on Ratio. 

I actually really like these particular theories as Ratio has a lot of themes about creating your own destiny, so seeing him resist one forced upon him would be compelling. Moreover, I feel as though an arc demonstrating how exactly he wanted to become a Genius/where he got all his insecurities and motivations from is not only necessary for his character but would flesh out the way we see the path of Erudition in general, even if I already really like the way they have gone with it so far. 

C) Resolution/Self acceptance 

I doubt they will permanently kill him, it just doesn’t suit his character at all.

However, do I think is he gonna get messed up by whatever that “something” is? Yes. 

If the story centers on this remains to be seen, honestly, I doubt it will considering we have the entire cast of the planet and its own lore to meet and learn about, but I do think Ratio will be a major player and I hope how he feels gets some of the plot’s focus as we have quite literally only have 1 full scene of him where we see who he truly is, and it’s all the way back in 1.6 (Ratio-Screwllum conversation my Roman Empire). 

Like guys I needed this man bleeding out screaming dying crying throwing up clutching his wounds looking up at the screen like a kicked puppy losing all hope in himself and others YESTERDAY 

I NEED SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO HIM FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND BECAUSE RATIO IS SO HIGH STRUNG THAT ANY AMOUNT OF PRESSURE WILL CAUSE HIM TO SNAP SO PLEASE HOYO LET HIM BREAK!!!

He needs another scene where he’s being sincere, he needs a scene where he’s being vulnerable, Ratio’s marble facade needs to crumble to reveal the man underneath and I need that man to pick himself back up again knowing he can allow himself to be human as well AAAAAAAAAA

His connections to Acheron 

If you have seen my other posts I have already talked about this at length, however the brainrot for this particular detail is all consuming so let me just demonstrate:

Dr. Ratio has the same philosophy as Acheron, an emanator of Nihility.

Look.

Essentially, they both believe that only in desperate situations will humans reach their full potential and begin to truly live for themselves. Moreover, they also both try and offer the tools to help people save themselves, Ratio with knowledge and Acheron with destroying the dreamscape, and that even if people can only become their true selves through struggle, it is the guidance and love of other people that will allow them to pick themselves up. 

Interestingly, pre-2.2 I also believed Ratio was walking the path of Nihility, due to how he engages with knowledge. That very viewpoint spawned from the 1.6 conversation I just showed you, as Ratio demonstrates to the audience that he does not care about knowledge in of itself, but rather the value it can bring to people.

Now, this sets him apart from the Genius Society members, who believe knowledge is inherently valuable and that it is what brings the universe meaning to them. Every person Nous has acknowledged has expressed this belief, which is why they were acknowledged and Ratio isn’t.

Before you say it, no, it’s not that he isn’t smart enough, quite the opposite actually.

Screwllum himself acknowledges his genius and time and time again are Ratios myriad of accomplishments brought up. In universe plenty of people believe he should have been instated into the society by now as well:

These are just the ones that implicate the society directly, as so many of Ratio’s character stories also mention just how accomplished he is.

Moreover, in 2.3 we are getting a new Sim Uni update made by Ratio himself, centered on humanity because of course it is, therefore he’s even smart enough to do the same things the GS members do, even collaborating with Screwllum to work on their favorite pet project.

So, what does this have to do with his lack of acknowledgment, and the path of Nihility?

I have established Ratio is smart enough and that he doesn’t view knowledge in the same way the other member’s do. Therefore, this difference in mindset is why Nous has never acknowledged him, because as much as Ratio thinks he is walking the path of Erudition, his personal philosophy and behaviors have never aligned with that, even if he thinks they do.

I mean, the man says it himself, even if he doesn’t realize the implications of it:

“The Path of Erudition has neither reason nor logic. While geniuses wander among the stars, the ordinary can’t even trace their footsteps.”

That is the path the Genius Society members walk, the path Ratio is criticizing in this sentence, the path he refuses to travel along himself, because what defines Ratio is that he will never leave the ordinary behind to stumble alone.

That is the path of Erudition.

And Veritas Ratio does not follow it. 

So what does he believe in?

Finding your own path. Forging your own future, in the face of a meaningless universe, that is the only thing we should do, the only thing we CAN do. 

“even a life marked by failure is a life worth living”

That’s what Ratio believes.

It doesn’t matter if the masses cannot escape their mediocrity, if they will never be geniuses, if their efforts will go unacknowledged, because the universe doesn’t care, therefore they shouldn’t either. There is no grand test, no final destination, no perfect goal people must attain.

Destiny is uncertain, and people’s fates are theirs to choose. 

Dr. Ratio believes people can still improve themselves, and that it doesn’t matter if people cannot reach the ceiling of knowledge, as they should still push themselves off the floor and stand up. 

He doesn’t think anything confines people from bettering themselves, and that it’s pointless to deliberate over whether one can achieve perfection or not, they should strive to improve themselves regardless and live their best lives because why not? Sure there’s nothing saying they can, but there’s also nothing saying they can’t, and in the face of a meaningless universe, devoid of purpose, one must create their own, and he dedicates his life to aiding others in realizing this.

Ironically, Ratio does not take his own advice. He can recognize the merits of the masses, but he cannot appreciate his own. Ratio is forever walking forward, but he cannot see the path ahead of him, or appreciate the lengths he has gone, the distance he has traveled, and the lives he has improved. 

Ratio spreads knowledge across the universe, believing that is what Nous desires, what the Erudition means, or rather should be, which is partly why he views himself as mundane, as a failure. 

Not just because he is as ordinary as any other person, but because Ratio thinks he hasn’t succeeded in his goal without Nous’s acknowledgement. I think he believes that he hasn’t done enough, that he isn’t smart enough, that he will never be good enough, therefore no matter what has happened, Ratio is doomed do be as mundane as everyone else, and his accomplishments will never be worth the gaze of the entity who inspired him to help others in the first place, as that’s what Ratio believes they would want.

However, helping others is not something Nous cares about, it’s something Dr. Ratio cares about. Even if he doesn’t understand or acknowledge it, Ratio’s accomplishments are meaningful, and he has walked his path further than most ever have. 

However, that path just isn’t the path of Erudition, it’s the path of Existence. 

Initially I believed it to be the Nihility, and in a way I’m not wrong, considering one must cross underneath the shadow of the Nihility to find the Existence, so in a way he is still approaching them.

However, as always, Acheron clarifies everything.

The Nihility envelops all, therefore it is meaningless. And before our final ending, our predetermined destiny (death), we have so many choices to make, therefore we should make them, as it makes both our life and death develop a completely different meaning.

As I have stated, this is what Ratio believes in, even if he attributes it to the Erudition, rather than the Nihility.

Ratio’s entire goal in life is to help others bring meaning to their lives and guide them in the right direction so they can begin to choose for themselves, using knowledge as his means to do so.

Which is exactly what Acheron does, “on the still waters of oblivion, I guide the wandering souls,” isn’t just a line she says because it sounds cool, rather, that is her goal as well. An emanator of Nihility, whose goal is to help others find their meaning in the universe. 

But Acheron doesn’t just want that. She is looking for the Existence, and to kill the Nihility (meaningless) forever.

Which is significant, because if Ratio believes the same exact thing she does, and is walking the same path as she is, then like Acheron, he is heading towards the Existence, not the Erudition.

And Nous will never acknowledge him, not because he isn’t smart enough, but because he never followed them to begin with.

In fact, we know what Ratio is, or rather, what he might end up becoming.

So far no Doctors of Chaos have succeeded in their goals, but perhaps Dr. Ratio, Dr VERITAS Ratio, will be the one to do so. After all, who else could it be but him?

How fitting that the man named after truth would be the one to find it.

That fuckass owl 

Glaux I want to throw you into a blender 

This is Professor Glaux, one of the figures from the Hanunue-Clockie Era of Penacony who did some things like bring the stellaron there, was a scholar of the Intellgenica Guild, became the first dreamweaver, inspired the paper birds, did some shit with the Nightingale Family and presumably died.

I know, horrible explanation, especially considering I haven’t even done the quest this guy is from, but hopefully that’s all the information you need for now so I can introduce you to this theory (which I did not create, sadly I don’t remember who did but it was someone on twitter somewhere so shoutout to them)

That being… Dr. Ratio is Glaux

I hate it I’m sorry. But I will attempt to explain where it’s coming from.

A) Glaux has very similar references to Ratio, aka they are both associated with Greek culture, wisdom and owls 

Glaux is the Greek word for owl and they are heavily associated with Athena, the god of wisdom.

Now Ratio has extremely obvious owl, Greek and wisdom association if you have looked at him for any longer than 2 seconds so I’m not gonna bother to demonstrate it, they have similar references, moving on.

B) The Intelligencia Guild + their titles 

They are from the same faction, and both are referred to as Professors (ratio gets called that more in the CN version I think), and at least Ratio dedicates his time to spreading knowledge, which I think is something Glaux shared.  

C) This occurrence in Gold and Gears

You know, the one where a student kills themself because Ratio thinks they are an idiot.

Well, it’s complicated because apparently the story told in Gold in Gears takes place a long time ago?? 

How long I don’t know as my brain melted in my skull when trying to piece it together, so please do correct me if I’m wrong, I’ll try to make sense of it later.

Moreover, this is also complicated by the fact that this particular occurrence was used by Herta to teach the trailblazer some mechanics of the sim uni, which makes me thing it’s not a part of the lore/timeline in it in general, and just something funny she added in anyways. Continually, there are also occurrences from characters like Argenti and of the Genius Society members themselves, so I don’t think every event is set in the distant past.

However, I think this idea comes from the other person in that occurrence, Dr. No5, but he also kills himself in it, and I can’t find anymore information on it, so I doubt it. (also apparently in the Chinese version the Ratio they refer to isn’t in the way they refer to Dr. Ratio/the one we know so idk)

Either way, what this means is that if this occurrence did take place a while ago, then Ratio must be super fucking old and he must have been part of the Intellegencia Guild during that time, like a certain owl aka Glaux, who was part of it.

D) Ratio’s weird origins

By weird origins I mean we know jack shit about his past (although we finally know the planet he’s from!) and for all we know the man could have spawned in one day, with some other theories even coming to that conclusion, like the infamous worm theory.

Essentially, if you put this all together, Ratio was once an owl-humanoid named Glaux who was from the Amphoreous, and then became part of the Intelligencia Guild a while back, which is when that occurrence happened. He then went to Penacony, did some stuff, faked his death and like came back as Dr. Ratio on that planet again, which is why we don’t know anything about his origins.

Can you tell why I hate this theory as a concept.

I find it to be dumb, nonsensical, a waste of potential and just straight up random as hell. However it is also objectively valid and could have happened within the plot of the game which is why I hate it so much because please hoyoverse do not go in this direction I will skin you.

However, I do not think Ratio has nothing to do with Glaux.

Rather,

A) The stuff Glaux did on Penacony is meant to parallel how Ratio acted there, as both served as a guiding figure for people on their respective timelines 

B) Ratio is the same species as Glaux/ they are from the same planet (Amphoreous).

Now this I fuck with heavily. Yes, Glaux is way more owl looking than Ratio is, however more human versions of his species could exist, and Ratio could just have the ability to like shift forms or something.

He also looks extremely similar to the owls on Ratios design, which I now deem it appropriate to show to you the metric fuck ton of owls in Ratios design.

(there’s a few more btw I just couldn’t fit them due to the image limit LMAOO)

Why do you have so many, and why is it the same fucking owl, same culture, same goddess referenced, same symbolism???? 

Like even if I hate the 1 : 1 Glaux-Ratio theory, they are clearly connected, and this is no accident on behalf of the developers. 

Therefore, I would keep an eye out for Glaux mentions in the future, especially on the planet coming in 3.0, as I 100% believe that they are from the same planet. There’s no way they can’t be connected in some manner, and if I am right about this I will be annoying about it for the rest of time. 

I can’t believe owl Ratio might actually be a reality. 

So uh, let’s put this all together.

We go to Ratio’s planet in 3.0, problems happen and we learn both his past and his connections to that owl species Glaux is from which likely causes even more problems. Bbg probably gets his ass handed to him in 3.0 and 3.1 and gets to make up for it in 3.2, ending the arc off more fulfilled as a person, and perhaps making some realizations about himself including that he isn’t actually following the path of Erudition. Then we skip all the way to endgame when the trailblazers are fighting Nanook and him and Acheron come in with the steel chair hopped up on Existence juice to give the trailblazer enough of a will to live as to not succumb to the Nihility because oh my god how can you defeat the embodiment of Destruction. We somehow win and Dr. Ratio gets married to Aventurine and they ride off into the sunset roll credits we all cheered. 

So, yeah.

If I’m even a little bit right about this I will be the most insufferable person on this planet. Anyways I hope you enjoyed reading this, and even if these theories don’t end up being true I do still think the speculation gives a lot of insight into his character.

[whatsnewalycat]

Designated Person | 10

Pairing: Francisco “Catfish” Morales x F!Reader

Chapter 10: Flat Tire

Rating: Explicit (18+ only)

Word Count: 6.9k+ (nice)

Tags / Warnings: reader pov, infidelity, past romantic & sexual relationship, angst, food & eating, blackout, movie references, car problems, alcohol & alcoholism, 12-step programs, lying, conflict avoidance, crying crying crying sorry, internal conflict, monologue, toxic relationships but listen we're tryna get better, journal entries, nightmares, ptsd, flashback

Notes: WHAT UP PARTY PEOPLE?? MAKE SOME NOIIIISE (insert dallas buyers club matthew mcconaughey scream crying in his car). Sorry for being a bummer lol sometimes growth hurts but we're gonna get thru this I swear. Ok thank u let me know what you think!!!

[ Previous Chapter ][ Series Masterlist ][ My Masterlist ]

-----

Blackouts work like magic. 

One second you’re perched on a barstool, trying not to sway or slur your words while ordering another drink, and the next you’re jolted awake by the thud of a door closing. 

Heart pounding in your chest, you sit up and look around, breathing a sigh of relief to see you somehow made it to your bedroom last night. 

You grab your phone off the side table, swiping away the missed calls from Frankie and Leah, then discover that you apparently re-downloaded a dating app in your alcohol-induced fugue state. Judging by the number of reply messages in your inbox, you must have hit up every man in the tri-county area who was “looking for a good time.”

Perfect. Of course you did. Why wouldn’t you? Bad decisions and dick has never ever steered you wrong. 

You read one typo-filled exchange between yourself and Russ K, 34, before deactivating the account and uninstalling the app. 

When you set your phone back on the nightstand, you notice a mason jar filled with ice water and frown. Beside it sits a small plastic container holding four neon orange tablets and two white tablets. A sticky note on the table reads ‘Went to a meeting, be back this afternoon’ in Frankie’s handwriting. 

Alarm trickles through your veins and inspires a wave of nausea you can’t ignore. Clasping your hand over your mouth to hold down the rising bile, you jump out of bed and beeline to the bathroom. 

After emptying the sparse contents of your stomach into the toilet, you lean back against the cool tile wall and search the ceiling for answers. How did you get home last night? Did you say anything to Frankie? 

You think about the ice water and over-the-counter pills left on your nightstand, then think about the note Frankie left. However you got home, he must know you were hammered. Which means you definitely interacted with him while blacked out. Do you even want to know what you said to him? 

Mortification twists your stomach when you imagine the possibilities. You could have tried to fuck him or murder him or anything in between. Given how you feel about him right now, it’s impossible to predict. That fact alone makes your mouth start to sweat again. 

So… no, you don’t want to know what you said to him when you were drunk. You don’t want to know how you got home or why the fuck your hair is damp. All you want is to get through this fucking day without hurling again. Maybe greasy food and a NASCAR nap, too. 

With this new clear goal in mind, you pick yourself up off the bathroom floor and set about making your low-stakes dream a reality. 

—

You wake on the couch to the soothing lull of commentators giving a play-by-play of the Rays versus Yankees game. A thick web of fatigue clings to you, fighting against your efforts to open your eyes and sit upright. 

“Hey.” 

Instinctively, you look towards the noise at the other end of the couch, locking eyes with Frankie. His face droops with this wounded expression that gets under your skin. Diverting your gaze to the TV, you cross your arms and try to keep your demeanor aloof despite the deep ache in your chest. 

“How are you feeling?” 

You choke out a humorless laugh and shake your head, keeping your eyes trained on the screen. A few tense seconds go by before he accepts that you will not be answering his ludicrous question, so he takes an alternative approach. 

“I brought home cubanos from that place you like. For, um… for family dinner. If you still wanted to do that.” 

Home, he says, as if the word meant something to him. As if he didn’t match every brick you laid in the foundation of this relationship with paper mache blocks. As if he didn’t take a wrecking ball to whole fucking thing regardless. 

Maybe to him home is just a place he rests his head at night, not where he anchors his heart. A matter of physical location rather than a feeling. You, on the other hand… never felt quite at home in this house until he started living here. 

Are you crazy for having felt like that? Like home was a space you held with him and him alone? 

Your parents were right. You make too much of things. You’re overdramatic. 

Why would he love you? Why would he choose you over his wife? You knew what you were getting into when this started. 

Stupid girl. 

“I understand if you don’t want to, though.” 

His voice brings you back to yourself. You blink hot tears from your eyes, then wipe them from your cheeks, trying to hold yourself together despite the whisper of ‘stupid girl stupid girl stupid girl’ at the back of your head. 

“Can we… can we at least talk about it?” 

You wince as a fresh batch of tears surges up your throat. Rising to your feet, you shake your head and manage to choke out, “Just forget it,” before fleeing to your bedroom. 

—

I slept most of the day yesterday so it took me forever to fall asleep. Also Frankie was walking around the house all night. At 11ish, I heard him talking on the phone, then I think someone picked him up. I texted him to see where he went because I’m unfortunately still his designated person. He said he was with someone from AA and he’d be back soon, just needed to talk. I couldn’t fall asleep until I heard him come in at 1. He wasn’t stumbling around so I’m guessing he was sober??? Hopefully he was. I don’t want this to get in the way of his recovery. Which I sort of hate. I wish I could delete the feelings I have for him. I wish I didn’t care. But I guess I do, so… I don’t know. This fucking sucks. Leah said I should kick him out, but I don’t want to fuck up his program. Maybe I’ll talk to Ralph today and see what he thinks. The thing is… the more people I talk to, the more I just want to talk to Frankie. Nobody makes me feel like he does. More than the lies, this is what bothers me the most. The fact that I can feel this way and he just doesn’t. I don’t understand how he can’t feel it, too. I thought this was real. But I guess I always do. I guess he’s just a really good liar and I am just a stupid girl. 

Tossing the notebook aside, you sit up to grab your mug off the side table. Wisps of steam rise from the coffee and dissolve into the air. The image blurs as a thick, wretched sensation twists up your throat. 

God fucking damnit. 

Every time you think you have no more tears left to cry, you prove yourself wrong. They just keep coming. Yesterday you waded in and out of these sudden fits where crying was all you could do. It reminds you of all the other times he broke your heart, but especially the last time. 

After Angie caught the two of you fucking, part of you hoped that maybe she would leave him. From what you understand, though, he convinced her to stay. Called you a mistake. An ‘isolated incident’ or whatever. Fucking asshole. 

Anyway. 

Seeing each other became logistically and emotionally difficult. Participating in an affair is much easier when it’s still a secret, for obvious reasons. He tried to see you when he could, which wasn’t nearly as frequent as you wanted. When you did see him, he was drunk. You’d pick him up from the bar, or he’d come over after Angie went to bed, but he was always at least five drinks in and counting. 

You bailed him out of jail twice in those six months. Once for drinking and driving, once for getting in a fight over a fucking pool game, of all things. 

He seemed so walled-off from you, too. Like he detached from his emotions when he saw you. Maybe it was because of the liquor, but a million other reasons are just as likely. After sex, he would leave. The sex was… well, it was still good, but… different. Rougher, impersonal. It felt less like making love and more like fucking. 

You still loved him, though. You still had fantasies of having a real, normal relationship with him. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you still wanted to believe that he was meant to be with you. 

Stupid girl stupid girl stupid girl

And then, well… 

Your phone starts to ring. It’s Ralph. 

You take a few quick sips of your coffee, then set the mug aside to answer. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, kiddo. Do you have a minute?” 

His tone, less jovial than normal, gives you a small burst of anxious energy.

“Sure, what’s up?” 

“I just got off the phone Mr. Morales and he briefed me on the, ahhh… situation over there.” 

Unsure what to say, you fold an arm over your belly and stare down at your lap. 

“I understand that things are a bit tense due to an incident that occurred on Saturday, is that correct?” 

“Yeah,” you nod, voice wavering, “Yeah, I, um… I overheard him talking to Angie, and… well, basically I found out he’s been lying to me.” 

It sounds so pathetic when you say it out loud. 

“Uh-huh. He lied about the nature of his relationship with Mrs. Morales.” 

“Correct.” 

You prepare for Ralph to tell you it’s not a big deal. Brace yourself for the inevitable scoff, or for him to accuse you of overreacting. 

So he lied to you, so what? You knew who he was. You knew he had a family to keep together. You should have known better than to get involved with him. Stupid girl, why would you put yourself in that position in the first place? 

“And this isn’t the first time he lied to you about this particular matter, am I understanding correctly?” 

“Well…” you frown and shake your head, “No, not really. When we were together before, he was pretty explicit that he wouldn’t leave her. I just… I just thought… I don’t know. It’s dumb. I’m fucking dumb.” 

Ralph doesn’t respond right away, so you add, “Sorry. I’m still in my feelings.” 

“Don’t sweat it, I think I’m picking up what you’re putting down,” he pauses here to clear his throat, then recounts, “Before, he told you leaving her wasn’t a possibility. And despite my warning going into this, the two of you re-established your romantic relationship, he told you that kind of relationship was effectively over with his wife. Which wasn’t true.” 

“Correct.” 

“Ok. Got it. Has Mr. Morales exhibited any unusual or suspicious behavior since the incident on Saturday?”

After thinking about it, you tell him, “I wouldn’t call this suspicious exactly, but yesterday he left a note saying he was going to an AA meeting, which isn’t normal. And late last night someone picked him up. I texted him to check in and he said he was with someone from AA, talking.” 

“Do you believe he was being truthful?” 

“Yeah, I do,” you shrug, “I mean, I’m obviously not the best at detecting his bullshit, but I’ve seen him under the influence more times than I can count and he didn’t seem… like that.” 

“Well, that’s good. And it’s good you checked in with him, I take that as a positive. You are still responsible for him while he’s on parole.” He sighs, “Which brings me to my next question. Are you thinking you want to continue serving as his designated person, or should we start looking for alternatives?” 

A lump rises in your throat. You swallow it down, wincing at the tears that burn behind your eyes, “I, um… I’m not sure yet. Can I have a few days to think it over?” 

“Sure. How about this. Why don’t you take some time, maybe go to one of those Al-Anon meetings I told you about, and I can stop by Saturday to have a sit down with you and Mr. Morales. Does that sound agreeable?” 

“Ok,” you nod, “Yeah, that sounds good. We can do that.”

“Alrighty then. I’ll shoot you an email with some details sometime today and we’ll go from there.” 

“Thanks, Ralph.” 

“Call me if anything comes up, ok kiddo?” 

“Will do.” 

After hanging up, you put in a load of laundry and wander around the house, stopping by the fridge to stare at the cubano Frankie brought home for you yesterday. You roll your eyes with annoyance as you grab it, then you return to the couch and put on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

—

By the time Frankie comes home, you’re four feature films deep in your angsty post-breakup movie marathon and feeling indignant enough not to surrender the common space to him. 

His eyebrows do this little surprised jump when your eyes meet his, and he glances at the TV, “Reality Bites?” 

You don’t respond, just curl deeper into the couch and return your attention to Ethan Hawke’s spiteful cover of Add It Up.

He kicks off his work boots and walks into the kitchen, coming back a minute later to ask, “If I make something for dinner, will you eat it?” 

Your stomach rumbles at the thought of food. Without looking at him, you shrug. 

Accepting the non-verbal answer, Frankie returns to the kitchen and starts bumbling around, cussing and grumbling under his breath. Eventually, though, he seems to get the hang of it. 

Just as the end credits of Reality Bites start rolling, he enters the living room holding two plates and sets one on the coffee table for you, then takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch. 

You sit up, crossing your legs as you pull the offering into your lap, and toss the remote control to his side of the dividing cushion. He wordlessly searches for something else to watch while you study the avocado-filled hot dog buns. 

“What is this?” you ask. 

“Completo. Hot dog topped with good shit, basically. Avocado, tomato, onion, condiments.” He selects play on Moulin Rouge, then looks at you and shrugs, “Ma would make it for me when I had a bad day.” 

You stare at him for a moment, then roll your eyes and shake your head as you turn to the TV, “I see what you’re doing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Kissing my ass.” 

He chuckles, shifting a little, “Yeah, well… yeah.” 

The movie starts to play. You don’t mention that this will be the second time you’ve seen it today because he probably knows that. After taking a bite of the completo, you hum at the mix of flavors and textures as you chew. 

“Good, right?” Frankie says through a mouthful. 

“Mmm,” you nod in agreement. 

He swallows, glancing between you and his food before asking, “Can I ask why you haven’t kicked me out yet?”

When you contemplate how to answer, the reasons all snarl into a tight knot of which you can’t quite make heads or tails. 

“No.” 

“Fair enough,” he murmurs, letting his gaze linger on you, “Do you want me to give you some privacy, or…? Because I can go—” 

“It doesn’t matter, Francisco, just stop talking.” 

“Ok, but—” 

You hold your hand up to him, “Shhhhhh.”

He sighs, but accepts the silence. Tension resides in the air at first, but slowly dissipates as you clear your plates, then settle into the couch. And although your eyes stay trained on the screen, you can’t make yourself pay attention. 

You keep wondering why he lied about being with Angie. He’s never had a problem making that clear in the past, even if it meant breaking your heart. Is it because he lives with you? It’s possible he didn’t want to risk getting kicked out, so he kept it a secret. 

Then why get involved with you again? Did he think this was the best way to stay in your good graces? Has he been manipulating you this whole time? 

It’s possible. It’s also possible you’re another one of his bad habits he can’t kick. A coping mechanism. Disposable, like always. 

You remember the night you asked him to come over so you could talk to him about something important. He promised to be there at eight o’clock, which is when you planted yourself on the front porch swing to wait for him. At nine o’clock, his truck came rumbling down the street and parked in front of the house. 

“What’re you doing out here?” he smirked as he climbed the porch steps. 

“Waiting for you,” you glared at him, observing his fluid movements when he plopped down beside you.

“I went and got a drink, lost track of time.” 

He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and drew your stiff body closer to kiss your cheek.

Something hot flared in your chest, and you distinctly remember wishing he would show up sober for once. This wasn’t the scab you wanted to pick, though. 

He tilted your chin up, pressing his lips to yours, breath heavy with whiskey, then pulled back to frown at your lackluster response. His body swayed a little as he studied you, “What?” 

“I need to talk to you.” 

“Ok,” he leaned away from you with a scoff, “Well, I’m here. Talk to me. Tell me how I fucked up this time.” 

You winced, “Don’t do that.” 

Crossing his arms, he stared at you, all fucking wobbly and drunk, irritation folding his facial features. He shrugged, “Do what?” 

“That! You’re being an asshole.” 

“Oh, I’m being an asshole?” he mocked, “How’s that?” 

Rage simmered beneath your skin. You let out a chuckle of disbelief, shaking your head as tears pooled in your eyes. After taking a moment to gather yourself, you spit out, “Do you love me?” 

“Do I—?” he furrowed his brow like he didn’t understand, shifting in his seat, “Do I love you?” 

“Yes, Frankie. Do you fucking love me or not?” 

His indignation melted. Shoulders slumping, gaze going soft. He swallowed hard and looked out at the street as if searching for an escape hatch. Emergency brake. Make it stop. 

“Because I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long… and-and I still don’t know what the fuck I am to you.” 

He seemed frozen, staring at something a million miles away without sparing a reaction. 

Nine months later, you can still feel the frantic vibration of your bones when you moved closer and cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look at you. When his eyes met yours, they were so cold and vacant that you barely recognized him. You tried to get through anyway. 

“I need you right now, Frankie. But I need all of you. I can’t be on the back burner anymore. I need you to be with me or I need to let you go.” 

“You know I can’t do that. I can’t be with you, not like that.” 

“But you could, though. You could. We could do this, we could make it work, start a life together—”

“I won’t leave her,” he shook his head, “I have a family—goddamnit, you knew what this was when it started.”

You sobbed, letting your hands fall away from his face, and his eyelids fluttered with the ghost of an emotion that you didn’t understand. 

He started, “I don’t—” then paused, tapping his clamped lips. His bloodshot eyes flicked around the porch and settled a million miles away again, “I don’t love you.” 

With this declaration, he took his chisel to you, lined it up in just the right spot, and gave it one firm tap. You crumbled at his feet. Shattered into dust. 

He got up and drove off while you were still bawling on the front porch swing. 

Onscreen, Toulouse-Lautrec shouts, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!” 

It hits you square in the chest. 

With tears brimming your eyelids, you jump up and flee to your bedroom before he can see them. 

—

Terrible nights sleep. Every time I drifted off, I was in the bedroom at my parents house but it wasn’t in my parents house. He was there but he wasn’t there. I don’t know how to explain it. I felt his presence but knew it wasn't him. I kept my eyes closed because I was scared to see, but I could hear him getting closer and closer. When I opened my eyes I woke up. The feeling stuck to me. It took me forever to fall back asleep and when I did it started over. 

Frankie didn’t go to work this morning. I don’t think he slept well either. Heard him walking around all night again. Idk if I should ask him what his deal is. I don’t want to talk to him about it yet and he’ll probably try to do that. Which is weird for him. A year ago I’d give anything for him to open up like he’s been trying to. But it hurts too much right now. It’s so messy. I’m all tangled. I need to straighten myself out before talking about it. 

I think I’m going to an al-anon meeting today and I’m nervous. Not sure what to expect. Keep worrying they’ll tell me I don’t belong there or make me talk about him. I don’t know if I belong there. I don’t know if I belong anywhere. 

Pulling back from your notebook, you stare at the last sentence for a while before closing the cover and setting it on the end table. 

Frankie walks out from his bedroom and rounds the corner to the living room, looking suspiciously formal, wearing slacks and a white dress shirt. His dark curls have been combed into a neat side part. It even looks like he trimmed his facial hair. 

As he peeks through the front window curtains, you blurt, “Are you wearing a fucking tie?” 

He looks surprised to hear you speak, raising his eyebrows as he glances down at himself, then up at you, “Yeah. I have a uhhh… a deposition today.” 

“Is that good or bad?” 

“Not really either. It’s normal, I guess. They’re just asking me questions on the record.” 

Nodding, you study his nervous demeanor, watching him reflexively go to lift his hat, faltering a little before running his fingers through his hair anyway. 

A desire to comfort him trickles through you, extinguishing the glowing embers of contempt inside your chest. 

“How is the case going, do you know?” 

The corner of his mouth pulls back into a kind of grimace. He takes another peek out the window, then steps back and shrugs as he approaches the couch, “The lawyer says they’ll probably offer a plea deal once this is over. We’ll see what that looks like.” He sits down at the other end of the couch, pulling out his phone to keep an eye on the little car on his rideshare app, “He thinks maybe they could agree to a reduced sentence.” 

You pick at your frayed cuticles, holding your tongue for as long as you can before asking, “How are you doing with… everything?” 

When you glance at him, his face is crooked with contemplation. He shifts in his seat and crosses his arms, lips parting with an answer. A notification dings on his phone. 

“My ride’s here,” he murmurs and meets your eyes with an apologetic expression, “We can talk about it later?” 

You give him a non-committal smile, “Good luck at your thing.” 

—

The woman who gave you your new member packet, apparently the leader of the meeting, looks around the room and announces,

“This afternoon, our fearless speaker will be Taylor. Everybody please welcome Taylor.”

From the back row, you sink down in your metal folding chair and glance around at the attendees, joining in when they start to clap for a woman approaching the podium. 

“Hi everyone, my name is Taylor. I’m a member of Al-Anon.” 

The room responds in unison, “Hi Taylor.” 

Taylor smiles and shakes her head, looking down at a small stack of trembling notecards. Her round shoulders raise with a deep breath. She closes her eyes for a moment, exhales, then looks up at the room. 

“If you would’ve told me a year ago I’d be the speaker at an Al-Anon group, there’s no way I’d believe you. But here I am,” she chuckles, “Wow. Thank you everyone for coming in today. I see so many familiar faces and some not so familiar faces and I’m grateful to see all of you. I’m proud of you for coming to this meeting today. 

“One of the biggest preconceived notions I had when I started attending Al-Anon meetings nine months ago is that they would help me support my alcoholic husband. At the time, he was about a month into sobriety and had just started going to AA meetings. He was struggling like hell and a friend of his asked if he wanted to go to an AA meeting with him. So he did. 

“I’ll be honest, when he suggested I go to Al-Anon, I was annoyed. I really was. At that point, we’d been married for five years. He tried quitting, oh, I don’t know… six times in that five years? Three 90-day inpatient rehab stays, two arrests, more sleepless nights than I can count.” 

Taylor pauses and looks down at her notes, then back up at the room as an amused smile spreads across her face. 

“What it always reminded me of was this story my husband told me. Every so often, he goes through these phases where he gets very very interested in a particular subject. It completely takes him over. All he wants to do is read about it and talk about it and… well, you get it. 

“When he was in his Greek mythology era, he told me about Sisyphus, the king of Ephyra. Sisyphus killed people who visited his palace, which angered the gods because they considered it impolite, which is the understatement of the millennium, but that’s neither here nor there. When Sisyphus died, Hades punished him to an eternity rolling a boulder uphill. He would fight his way up this steep hill, pushing the boulder with all his might. The boulder was enchanted, though, and every time the it got near the top, the boulder would roll back down the hill, then he’d have to try again. So he does this over and over and over for eternity. Infinite frustration and exhaustion. 

“Sometimes it felt like that with him. With my alcoholic. Like I was stuck in this loop, fighting like hell to push his dead weight to the top of the hill. Just when I got a scrap of hope, it went tumbling back down. Over and over and over again. I structured my whole life around his relationship to alcohol. Checking in with him constantly, making sure I didn’t say or do anything that might trigger another relapse, putting myself on the back burner to accommodate his needs. So when he suggested I try going to Al-Anon meetings, I expected it to be another chore catering to his sobriety. I thought I would come here and learn all the ways people support the alcoholic in their life the right way. Because I obviously wasn’t doing it the right way. If I was, he would have years of sobriety under his belt. 

“Regardless, I agreed to go, and quickly discovered my preconceived notions about Al-Anon were wrong. Al-Anon doesn’t exist for us to better service the alcoholic or alcoholics in our lives. Sure, we’re all here because of the alcoholic in our lives, but the point is to better service ourselves. I think that distinction is important. 

“When I came home from my first meeting, I went through the new member packet Mario gave me, and found a handout that said: Detachment is neither kind nor unkind,” Taylor nods at the memory and looks around the room, “That struck a chord with me, that phrase. Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It didn’t make sense to me at first. I thought, how is detachment neither kind nor unkind? It went against my instincts completely. How was I supposed to help my husband if I detached from him? Isn’t love about being attached to someone, sticking together through thick and thin? 

“Attending meetings and working the steps helped me get a better grasp on the concept. I came to understand that, in Al-Anon, detachment can mean two different things. The first is separating the person you love from their alcoholic behaviors. The second is a little harder to define, but it centers around the idea that you are separate from other people, and their actions do not control yours. Let me show you what I mean, though.

“In my relationship with my husband, we were entangled,” Taylor laces her hands together and holds them up for everyone to see. “Wherever he went, I went, too.” She moves her clasped hands back and forth. Spreading her hands apart, she says, “I didn’t want to be apart from him. But what I found with detachment is,” she flattens her hands palm-to-palm, “We can be close without being entangled. That way, if he goes to a dark place,” she moves one hand away from the other and shakes her head, “I don’t have to go with him if I don’t want to.” 

Taylor looks around the room, allowing her words to sink in, then returns her attention to the stack of notecards and flips to the next. 

“When we detach in this way, it both relieves us of our perceived responsibility for their actions and emotions, and grants them autonomy to make their own choices. They deserve dignity and freedom, which is difficult to obtain if we try to manage their lives. 

“So often in our marriage, I thought that loving my alcoholic meant rescuing him from himself. I thought that if I exerted myself hard enough, pushed him up that steep hill long enough, we would get to the top together. But the effort was Sisyphean. It didn’t matter how much time or effort I put into controlling the direction of the boulder. It would always roll downhill, because the boulder was enchanted. Even if I spent an eternity trying, even if I begged and screamed and pleaded with the boulder, it would still be enchanted. And, you know… maybe that’s ok. Maybe he’s not meant to sit at the top of the hill. It’s not his fault, either, and I came to realize that instead of getting frustrated at him for being enchanted, I can meet him where he is and love him anyway. If I don’t like that place, I don’t have to stay there. When I detach with love, I grant myself autonomy as well as him. 

“Putting the metaphor aside, I’ve used this in practice by no longer lying for him. If he’s at an AA meeting and our daughter asks why he’s not home, I tell her the truth. When my family or friends ask how everything is going, I don’t try to make it seem easier than it is so he can save face. I confide in them with sincerity because that is what I need. I’ve stopped giving him advice unless he asks for it, because I’ve learned here that most times people don’t need advice, they just need someone to listen and be present. I’ve stopped trying to take the reins when I think he’s making poor decisions, because he doesn’t need someone to do it for him. He needs to learn to do it himself. Part of learning is making mistakes and growing out from beneath the consequences. 

“Detachment is neither kind nor unkind, it’s a tool we utilize to free ourselves and the alcoholic in our lives. Al-Anon doesn’t exist to teach us how to help the alcoholic in our lives, although the tools it gives us can aid in their recovery as well as ours. This fellowship exists to help us, the families of the alcoholic, so that we may lead more joyful and serene lives. Thank you.” 

Applause erupts from the crowd, and you join in, watching Taylor glow with pride as she steps away from the podium. 

—

Damp, hot air pours in through the rolled-down windows, carrying with it the earthy scent of algae-bloom off East Lake Tohopekaliga. Driving along the slow, steady curve, you pass by sprawling oak trees, their eaves all draped in spanish moss. 

Your hope was that taking the scenic route home would clear your head, but it’s not doing the trick. Something shifted inside you during the meeting. You can’t quite put your finger on exactly what shifted or why it happened, although your circular thoughts give you the sense you’re on the precipice of understanding. 

You keep thinking about the speaker, Taylor, and the lesson she relayed from her podium. Her situation is different from yours, but you know it all the same. You know how it feels to dig your heels into the dirt, struggling like hell to push someone in the direction you think is best. You know how it feels to see him tumble to the bottom time and time again. And for what? It’s not like he’s any better off because of your efforts. It’s not like you are, either. 

How many times have you betrayed yourself for the sake of his favor? How many times have you put your needs aside to tend to his? 

Calm blue-gray water flickers behind the trees you drive past. It looks peaceful. Further up the road, you spot a public access point to the lake and turn into the lot, hitting a bump. When you do, a loud BANG reverberates through the car. The steering wheel shakes as you slow to a jerky, lopsided stop.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” you fume, shifting the car into park. Folding forward onto the steering wheel, you pinch your eyes shut and take a deep breath, then exit the vehicle to look at the damage. 

The front driver’s side tire sits flat against the pavement. You stare at it and shake your head, muttering, “God fucking damnit,” before walking to the trunk. 

You open it and pull up the mat to the spare tire well. It’s empty. 

“Fucking of course. Jesus fucking—” 

Cutting yourself off with a furious groan, you pull out your phone and go through your contact list, pointedly scrolling past the F’s to pause at Leah, who’s over an hour away, then Marla, who’s busy enough as it is. You even briefly consider Rory, but the idea makes your stomach lurch. 

You could just do it all yourself. Order a car on one of those rideshare apps. It would take forever, though, and you’ve never changed a tire before. 

Frankie is the logical choice. The first person who came to mind, if you’re being honest. Something hard and stubborn inside your chest throbs when you hover over his name. 

It’s pride, you realize. Maybe a little fear. You don’t want to ask for his help. You don’t want to burden him. You don’t want to be disappointed if he says no. 

All the same, you dial his number. He picks up on the second ring. 

“H—”

“Are you at the house?”  

“I am.” 

“Are you busy?” 

“Nothing I can’t put off ‘til later. Why?” 

“My fucking tire blew out, and my spare is in the garage,” you sigh and throw your head back, propping a hand on your hip, “Is there any way you can bring it out to me?” 

“I, umm… yeah, of course. Where are you?” 

“East Lake Toho.”

He snorts, “Christ, what’re you doing all the way out there?” In the background, you hear the floorboards creaking, mapping his way through the house. Before you can respond, he asks, “Spare tire in the garage, need me to grab anything else?” 

“Uhhhh…” you wrinkle your nose at the trunk, “I don’t know, I have a jack and the tire iron thing.” 

“That should do it. Wanna drop me a pin? I’ll have to get a ride out there.” 

“Yeah. I can pay you back if you need to order a Lyft or whatever.” 

“Just take it off my tab,” he jokes, the back door squeaking open behind his voice, “Hang tight, I’ll be there in a bit.”

You turn around to lean back on the bumper, “Ok, I’ll be here.” 

After hanging up, you share your location with him, then wander down to the dock. It rattles around as you teeter to the end and sit down, letting your feet dangle over the edge. 

Cattails and lily pads have been cleared from the shoreline near the boat landing, giving you a clear view across the lake, broken up here and there by thick swaths of aquatic vegetation. The glassy surface of the water reflects the hazy blue sky, and stagnant air sticks humid to your skin. Insects buzz and birds sing and somewhere far away you hear a boat motor chugging across the lake. 

When you think of serenity, this is what you picture. Stillness and calm. Peace. You inhale the scene, allowing it to stretch out inside you and unfurl your tensed muscles. 

As soon as the unease evaporates from your body, fatigue takes over.  

Lying back on the dock, you stare up at tall, fluffy clouds littering the sky. Your eyelids grow heavy as you watch the slow-moving parade of shifting giants, the warm air lulling you into comfort until you let your eyes drift closed. 

Your awareness fades in and out while you sleep. At one point, a car door shuts, then the car drives off. Vaguely, you know it’s Frankie but can’t lift your limbs, syrupy thick with lethargy. You hear grunts and metallic clattering. Some time later, your trunk slams shut. 

When the dock starts wobbling around beneath you, you blink your eyes open and sit up, scrubbing your hands over your face as a yawn overtakes you. 

“Hey sleepyhead.” 

You glance over your shoulder at Frankie, who comes to sit down beside you with a groan. He’s back to his usual attire, jeans and a t-shirt, baseball cap firmly in place atop his head. 

Still groggy, you yawn, “I couldn’t make myself wake up.” 

“Not sleeping well?” 

“Fucking awful, honestly.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

You frown at him, searching his face until he gives you a little shrug, at which point you mumble, “Oh. I forgot that I, umm… yeah. Sorry.” 

“No need to apologize,” he tells you, squinting up at the sky before dropping his eyes to his hands as he fiddles with his wedding band, “Same here. The—the sleep part, not the nightmares.” 

“Yeah, I know. I hear you pacing around at night.” 

“Oh… sorry, I didn’t realize—”

You push yourself up straighter to watch his legs dangle next to yours, “It’s fine.” 

Quiet settles comfortably between you. Near the dock, you see a cluster of bubbles rise to the surface of the lake and burst. The ripples flatten out and calm returns. 

A question swells in your ribcage. Just a small pocket of air at first, maybe the size of a pebble. The longer you sit and stare at the water, though, it expands. It works its way up your throat, taking up more and more space with each passing second until you can’t contain it any more. 

“So you were lying to me, right? About not being with her?” 

He meets your gaze, dark eyes all remorseful and gooey, then he nods, “Yeah. I was lying. To both of you.” 

Folding your legs up onto the dock, you look away in the hope that he won’t notice the tears starting to come. When he speaks, his voice comes out hoarse and quiet. 

“How much do you want me to tell you?” 

The question replaces the air in your lungs with a vibrating sensation. Another cluster of bubbles dissolve on the surface of the lake. You manage to croak, “I don’t know.” 

He doesn’t respond. You sense that he’s waiting for you to make the next move. 

Your mind wanders to the front porch swing that night you forced him to choose. He felt so far away. Until he told you differently, you were so certain he was in love with you. 

“I don’t know how to trust your words as truth, Frankie. All the way back to the start, I don’t know what was real and what was bullshit and I am fucking—” your voice cracks from the emotion burning up your throat. 

He goes to comfort you, but pulls back before making contact. 

Every cell inside you aches for him to bridge the gap. You follow the instinct, grabbing his shirt to curl into his shoulder. As soon as you do, he wraps his arms tight around you, bringing you in closer. 

A wave of moth-eaten hurt wells up your chest. 

“Why?” you sob, “Why did you do this to me? I don’t understand—”

He starts to rock you in a slow, soothing motion, burying his face in your hair as you cry into the collar of his shirt. In the background, behind your racing thoughts and shattered breaths, you hear him whisper on repeat: I’m sorry, baby… I’m so sorry.

[krisluxxee]

WHY ARE THEY MAD? PICK-A- PILE

Pile One: Work Related

It appears as if you have people in your work environment MAD because they see you making more moves and less announcements these days. With great effort to not jump ahead energetically to read these cards inadvertently lets me know these people are mad because they’re watching you and still somehow confused as to how you are making more moves & advancing ahead of them. Imagine watching an entire movie and missing parts, forcing you to rewind. These people are watching you and confused as to how you are growing in your career, business, creative pursuits etc. The rewind energy I referenced in my example is what is happening to these people who are too busy watching you while they’re life is on hold and or  are being forced to re-do something that they missed in their life. ( Saturn RX energy)

 It feels like I’m writing in a circle, but I know that the energy I am picking up on from those people who are mad at you. You are running circles around these people while they’re watching you!  AND STILL, THEY DON’T SEE YOU COMING. For some of you, they are mad because you found a loophole or some kind of weakness or lack in your respective fields which is the key to your success. While everyone is doing, looking, sounding, thinking, producing the same shit ( excuse my language) you are giving what needs to be gave, effortlessly. It gives heavy unique vibes. Nothing is truly new under the sun, however, whatever it is your doing and or offering appears to be different and to your credit- I am confident it is different. AND THAT IS WHY THEY ARE MAD!! To my next point, you have these people mad because you don’t do what everyone else does. BOOM ! It’s amazing how everyone does, looks, acts, says, moves, smells, and thinks the same while simultaneously thinking they are still different. Like how? EXACTLY. ( questions that need answers) While everyone else is copying and using others for a come up or lifestyle, you seem to be getting it out the mud- quite literally.

You have literally or are in the process of drafting something from scratch meanwhile others just regurgitate basic information, products or “skills” for clout and money. I keep wanting to use the word appear and so there’s something extremely significant about appearances. ( heavy Sun | Leo energy) For those gold diggers out there, man or woman, they are mad at you because they play dummy games and are now being rewarded with dummy prizes. The card, “these hoes aint loyal” (Chris Brown vibes) came out which is why I feel there are some gold diggers in your energy MAD at you. They took the easy, predictable and trifling way out meanwhile you took the harder way, and you are managing to get further ahead ( or will be, this may be a prediction) This could even be the other way around where you come into whichever work| creative field and things start to manifest for you easier and quicker as opposed to those people who may have been doing it longer than you.

TRUST AND BELIEVE- THEY ARE MAD!!!!

Last card out: THEY HAVE TO STAY MAD

PERIOD.

Pile Two: Single & Won't Mingle

I initially started this reading off with the disclaimer and then I deleted it. Then the energy switched just that fast and so with that being said- you have someone mad that you are not giving warnings, disclaimers, arguing, nagging or fighting for them to act right. This reading has two different scenarios- so stay with me. Some of you may not be single, however, you are dealing with someone who acts single. Feel me? We have all heard of those single married people. This can even be a situation where someone is mad because their ( baby mom or dad) child’s father or mother is acting single. The first card that came out was “ they are mad because you don’t want kids, anymore kids, or none of their kids”. You see why I’m conflicted? This is energy I’m picking up from a single person who refuses to deal with someone who has children. Or this is someone who has children with someone who is acting single.

It gets worse! Someone is mad you will not have sex with them. So, for those who do not have children or want anymore- this person is mad because you feel like that is their goal or simply you are not attracted to or making time for them for whatever reason. It’s messy and I am trying to explain this simply but there’s so many factors. NO WONDER THEY ARE MAD. Someone is also mad you know when, where and how to detach. Basically, someone is mad because you may feel like dealing with them would make things complicated and you are avoiding that outcome as best you can. Now that I follow suite and energetically detach, I can process this much better concluding that these people or person is mad because they want to be emotionally and or sexually involved in your life however, you see the red flags from miles and trials away. This person or people are mad because you are lit and won’t change for them and so this helps put things into better context now. With you being lit, this indicates that you are in a good place in your life whether that be financially, spiritually, emotionally or all the above.

Some of you are not heartbroken, missing anyone from the past or carrying any resentment in your heart. It’s like you have a clean slate in your life and you simply do not want to or are not ready to incorporate someone new or back into your life- & that’s fair. This person is mad because they cannot change your mind- aka manipulate you. This may even be people you don’t even know exist and when they see you, they get triggered because the energy you exude is giving “ fuck off” while simultaneously looking sexy or handsome as hell. No wonder you chose not to be involved; I literally could not think straight when my emotions were involved in the beginning of the reading. Everything was confusing and messy and in my personal experience and from observation- that’s usually what occurs when you get emotionally and sexually involved. Some of you may have strong Neptune, Chiron, Libra, Virgo, Pisces or 7th house placements. You have people mad because you are cautious, picky and unattainable if I’m honest. The next cards out are “ time is money, and you can lose it all and bounce back”. AMAZING . It’s clear a lot of you with this energy and mentality are bouncing back and have experienced that messy and confusing situation before when dealing with others.

With time is money, your energy now reminds me of Pile (1). You have redirected your focus into work related and creative outlets. Those creative outlets may now be work for you. If any of you have strong Neptune, Chiron, Leo, Sun etc. placements ( not limited to) it appears as if you are channeling your sexual aka creative energy into work or creativity. Which is another reason why they are mad especially if you resonate with Pile (1). I am proud of this pile because I can feel how much healing you’ve done. How much you’ve matured and how much wisdom you’ve gained.

On YouTube & TikTok, my “ Why Are They Mad” readings are quite popular however, usually someone is mad for petty, superficial and egotistical reasons. I can honestly say this is the first-time people are mad for VALID AND LEGITIMATE REASONS. I personally want someone to be mad that I’m focused, mature, creative, HEALED & HAPPY and have HIGHER STANDARDS. Hell yeah! This is truly what life is about and I can sense your Divinity. You are truly chosen, and you have DEMONS mad. Aw, I feel kindred spirits here… Just re-read this, the energy started off with low vibration and now (personally) I feel at peace.

WOW! Aw, I love you guys who chose this pile , spiritually I know you….

Pile Three: Stepping on Necks

Wow, I don’t know where to start. ( 2 minutes later, SpongeBob narrator voice) You have the world, your neighbors, family, foes, haters, ex’s, pastors, teachers- EVERYBODY MAD because your career is taking off. This is profound because this pile is for those who have been the underdog. This pile is for those who have been struggling, overlooked and receiving the bare minimum in all aspects of life- until now. I am not the type of lie, exaggerate or only speak about GOOD THINGS to appease anyone. ( which is why I’m selectively liked) Believe me when I tell you that a major shift has and or is occurring in your life. The cards “ your ass is fatter, and you snapped back after the baby” came out. On the surface, this would mean some of you may have gained weight for a multitude of reasons. Especially if one was struggling emotionally and spiritually- you gained weight due to eating and laziness. Others you gained weight because you had a baby ( congratulations) however, I do not dwell on the surface and so these cards indicate for me that some of you astrologically speaking in a solar return or progressive chart you may have had your moon in Sagittarius, Jupiter in Aries or 1st house, Jupiter in Taurus or 2nd house , Sagittarius or 9th house , Cancer or 4th house, Moon in Cancer or 4th house. ( however, not limited to)

What this means is that you gained weight and you were undergoing spiritual awakenings with hardships. Life has been hard and for some of you, your body took a hit. With the card “ you snapped back after the baby”, that may be the case for those of you this applies to. For the emotional and stress eaters -you will notice that you are starting to lose weight or break the habits that encouraged weight gain. AND THAT’S WHY THEY ARE MAD!!!! It’s never about appearances but more so what’s going on underneath and for most of you, you were holding on and feeding negative energy that is now being released slowly but surely.  Some of you may have let yourself go and now you are snapping back, better than before. Of course they are mad about this!! Back to your career is taking off, some of you work in corporate while others work for themselves. Those working in corporations, you have always been at the bottom and making the bare minimum or simply never gained the respect that was deserved. Those who work for yourself, you have always been overlooked and paid very little if at all. Some of you may have had to go back into working 9-5 corporate jobs because your business was stagnant. People just did not want to support you at all which forced you to go back into “slavery”.

Nonetheless, this is turning around for you Jupiter style. ( or will be ) Astrologically speaking, check your outer planets- Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto – maybe even your progressive or solar return charts because however society treated you- this is changing. You will no longer have to ask for permission, meaning- you will have the financial comfort or freedom to live and afford the things you want/ need without assistance from anyone. In corporate, you may be promoted to a position to where others must report to you, or you no longer must report to someone- there’s more leeway granted to you. Entrepreneurs, this means exactly what it means. You do not have to ask for permission! Business will be getting better; energy levels will be restored, and you can come and go as you please. AND THAT’S WHY THEY ARE MAD! IT’S GIVING MORE FREEDOM THAT OTHER’S DO NOT HAVE AND ENJOYED TAKING FROM YOU OR WORKED HARD TO ENSURE YOU NEVER HAD.  Some of you have people mad because no message is the message. ( DAMN)

Intuitively, I feel like some of you may be moving, changing numbers, jobs, contact emails- the whole nine. Those who had access to you before, no longer will. Of course, people feel the energetic shift ( refer back to those outer planets I’ve mentioned) Those people who counted you out and delighted in believing you would never make progress or move forward- now see you in a different light. They now want to be part of your life and “assist” or “support” you whereas, before you did not have that “privilege”. And yet now you are becoming privileged. ( without them) They are mad you are educated. As far as I’m concerned, knowledge is power and you clearly are the most powerful currently, ready to wield that power. It’s all fun and games when the rabbit has the gun ( some of you may be seeing bunnies a lot lately) & THAT’S WHY THEY ARE MAD!

You are educated, which alludes to some of you being able to go back to school to get degrees or this could be simply be speaking on becoming a wiser person. This can also speak of having a skill or talent that you have mastered and are the best at it. Referring to Pile (1), you have a talent or knowledge that sets you apart which is or will be the key to your success. Lastly, people are mad that “ you ain’t with the bafoolery”. This gives me the vibe that you said you would do something ( like succeed) and you’re doing it. You are proving it. You are true to it. I said lastly, but there’s a bit more I want to cover. And that’s your energy- you will succeed and then some. It reminds me a lyric Drake said, mind you he’s a millionaire, successful and never has to work again but in his lyrics, he said something along the lines of “ any other rapper would have retired but I have more to accomplish”. Blah blah. That’s your energy, you will be giving way more than is expected. ( example, I wrote a whole book for this pile) You will be surpassing others and your even your own expectations. People are mad that you are independent which automatically renders the majority POWERLESS.

Most people need others to need them because it makes them feel important and of course, a need can be capitalized. This whole world thrives ON A NEED. The fact that you’ll be in a position where you are no longer subjected to others, IS POWER & THAT IS WHY EVERYBODY WILL BE MAD. It gives underdog is top dog energy. Lastly, ( truly) like Pile (2), everybody will be mad because you do not want marriage. It’s like Rhianna Vibes, she’s a billionaire and everyone expects her to be married because she has two children. If you read pile (2), you just want to remain unencumbered, detached and not tied down to anyone. Especially after you witnessed the true nature of most people. You are cautious, focused and simple do not have time or energy to invite someone into your life who can and will try to take all that you have worked for ALONE. They did not care nor were they attracted to you when you had nothing so in your mind, it’s best they KEEP THAT SAME ENERGY & THAT’S WHY THEY ARE MAD!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! IF ANY OF THESE PILES RESONATED PLEASE CONSIDER "HEARTING" OR REBLOGGING MY POST. I AM TRYING TO BUILD AND EXPAND MY BLOG AND I NEED YOUR HELP TO DO SO.

I OFFER PERSONAL READINGS, PLEASE EMAIL ME: SERVINTHAMOSTHIGH@GMAIL.COM

CHECK ME OUT ON YOUTUBE, PATREON AND TIK TOK.

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[ask-the-rag-dolly]

Bro why are there many notes on my last toybox post anyways headcanons for them because i have too many and don't know where else to put them okay back to art hell i go

!! kindly don't tag as ship let me gush over platonic relationships !!

they disagree ... a Lot . it's mostly not serious enough to affect their bond but their opposites-ing make them often butt heads ( like zooble can't tolerate ragatha's toxic positivity while ragatha can't tolerate zooble's rudeness ) . whether it's through a hard decision or choosing a pizza topping , they always conflict

on the other hand , whenever they get along ... they Really get along . they both are interested in music , like to do art , and have no stable sense of identity — you know , normal stuff to bond over

while they don't do it as often as they Should , they like to do jam sessions where zooble's playing the drums and ragatha's either on the piano or the cello

literally the only reason why they don't do it often is because ragatha hates to be a bother

ragatha knows that she Can't spout bullshit to zooble as they Will call her out on it so she's more sincere around them . while it helped their bond she feels embarrassed as it's ' piling her silly little problems on someone way younger than me '

on the topic of age zooble couldn't believe that ragatha was close to turning 30 and thought she was , like , 25 for a while . it was awkward

they had possibly some of the worst platonic slow burn ever , like ' it took way too long for them to confidently think they're friends ' bad . despite the progress she's made with zooble ragatha still thinks the other Probably doesn't like her too much — even though that triangle would kill a man if something were to happen to ragatha

basically zooble immediately saw through ragatha's bullshit and thus didn't appreciate her positivity in such a harrowing situation ( especially since they have a fragile body + identity crisis ) while ragatha being ragatha took their bluntness as ' OH GOD THEY HATE ME THEY HATE ME SO BAD '

predictably it lead them to think the other doesn't care about them because i guess a ragatha pair is not complete without some level of miscommunication ,

now they're at the point where zooble's just sitting and ragatha would come over and Ragdoll on their lap and they're forced to stay there for hours

[hadesisqueer]

Okay, so I finished JWCT and-- it was a great season.

Ben was awesome this season. All the mentions to how much he'd grown were funny, and the Big Ben joke was as well. I really liked him and his moments with Darius and Yaz, most of all with Yaz; I always enjoyed their friendship, and I loved how they talked about their feelings again. Also-- he has a girlfriend? A girlfriend?

Kenji's moments confronting his father and not letting himself be manipulated again were among my favorites this season. His conflict with Darius and their brotherly moments were cool to watch. Darius' whole arc, his grief and guilt over Brooklynn's supposed death was among my favorite arcs this season.

Yaz and Sammy were awesome in general, both individually and as a couple. Yaz is my favorite character, and I loved her arc. As someone with PTSD myself, I am very pleased with how the show didn't shy away from it and fully saying "PTSD". Personally, I am pretty happy that Yaz's PTSD was handled so realistically and with such care. Sammy was a badass this season, and her feelings and anxiety while dealing with Yaz apparently pulling away, her grief over Brooklynn's supposed death and the fact that her parents for some reason don't talk to her were handled realistically. I specifically wanna know what happened between her and her parents, because she adored her family and her family adored her as well back in CC; I really wonder what the conflict is that they're not talking anymore. Yasammy as a couple is awesome as well, as I said: their conflict is handled very well and you can understand both sides. The resolution was great and their moments in general were awesome. They're still easily the best couple of this show (not that it had a lot of competition), and probably one of the best in animated media in general. I love them.

Brooklynn being alive at the end? I think everyone called it, lmao. My girl is far too cool to just die, sorry, she can't die. I can't wait to see the others find out and their reunion.

Now, my thoughts about the other ships this season-- Brookenji and Dinostar lmao? I cheered when I found out Brookenji broke up; I was never a fan of the couple, sorry, it was TOO forced. Now, the whole Dinostar thing-- I was a bit suspicious of the way Darius was acting about Brooklynn and all, but I didn't think they were actually gonna have him admit he was in love with her, so that took me by surprise. I know they said it was unrequited, but yeah I don't buy that. I'm predicting it: it will turn out that it's not unrequited, that Brooklynn actually has feelings for him and they're going to pull a love triangle between her, Darius and Kenji. Pfff, it's like I'm seeing it. I'm really not a fan of love triangles tbh. But if it happens (and it's probably gonna happen, I can see it coming), I hope it ends up with Dinostar endgame instead of Brookenji. Like I already said, I really don't like Brookenji. And I've always been more neutral with Dinostar (and Benrius; I like, them too but don't pay them that much mind). I liked Dinostar platonically a lot, and while I didn't care much of it, I also never minded the idea of them becoming a couple. In fact, Brookenji took me by surprise while watching the show because to me if they were gonna pair Brooklynn with someone, I always thought it'd be Darius rather than Kenji, because I thought they made more sense. So, yeah, if it's Brookenji or Dinostar, Dinostar all the way for me lmao. Still not looking forward to the love triangle if it happens lol.

Also, Bumpy being a mom. Fave moment of the season.

Anyway, I need a second season. Like, right now.

[twinsyy]

(minor and brief spoilers of the protagonist if you haven’t started the game at all but plan to)

[very self-insert about wuthering waves. kinda combined with genshin, of course (its my main bitch)]

so i have thoughts about wuthering waves…

self aware thoughts…

——————————————————————————

i like the game so far!

at this time, ive been judging the controls, story, characters, and combat of wuwa and compare it genshin

there are things i like, and things i feel meh about (it hasnt been out for even a week yet so im cool with it for now)

however, i have been more raised eyebrow towards the characters and controls of the game. since they are the key things that make me stay besides a cool story

ive mainly noticed there are some quality of life features they miss compared to genshin. but also some that they have that genshin doesnt

i chant praises for the features and gameplay they have genshin doesnt. but get pretty frustrated about what they dont have

i always try to reason that its basically an infant at the moment, but gamer rage gets the best of me frequently

so (like with genshin sometimes), i roar my frustrations at my screen

“ugh, genshin has this! why dont you?”

“oh my god, you are so slow.”

“yeah, yeah, ive seen this all before. when do things get interesting?”

sighing, huffing, and palming my face in irritation

and they hear this, and are conflicted

but similarly to traveler in the beginning, i think rover would be the only one to be self aware at this point. the others still have to gain it

so besides their memory lost, theyre also dealing with an unknown and higher being that controls them. with no way to prevent it, or predict when the next time they do will happen

they are conflicted further when they realize theyre helping them get stronger and achieve the same goal as them

what does this mean? who is this? and why are they helping them if they sound like they hate them so much?

——————————————————————————

note: rushed. and i do actually like this game btw lmao. i just needed to get a part of my frustrations off my chest. overall, this game has a lot of potential i think! the graphics are amazing, and the combat is very interesting (i love combat so much)

i may also write for wuthering waves. if i feel strongly enough about it

since ive been into sagau for almost as long as ive been into canon genshin. yet i only write now (￣▽￣;)

[intrulogical]

🍊: The Semantics of The Orange Side

Explaining his function, understanding his role in the narrative, and debunking/dissecting common notions about the Orange Side.

To be honest, this essay was inevitable. I've had thoughts about Orange brewing since 2020, but only recently has it developed into something more concrete. For the longest time, most meta surrounding Orange began with theories about his role as a side, then extended towards narrative and side mechanics later on. I, for one, have been a victim of this pattern. 

Then, I realized that asking who Orange is is a terrible opener for theories.

There are many important questions glossed over if we start that way. For example, what is Orange's role in the overarching theme of combating black-and-white thinking? What does it mean for Orange to be a side? Who is he in the context of the Dark Sides? There are many crucial things to consider when it comes to predicting who Orange is, and I feel like concrete theories can only be made if we can establish the semantics of how Orange works.

This essay definitely won't be perfect— this is literally my second draft— but I will try my best making it in a way that flows, somehow. Some sections will discuss general ideas I have, some will try to dissec popular preconceived notions to reorient our logic surrounding Orange. As always, I'm open to discussion! My words aren't gospel.

Important notes: All mentions of Thomas refer to him as a character. Moreover, I acknowledge that Remus is a flawed depiction of intrusive thoughts. Technically, he acts more of a mix of intrusive thoughts, forbidden creativity, and impulsive thoughts. Because of this, when I talk about Remus in the context of his role, please be assured that I am talking about all his functions at once, not just intrusive thoughts. 

(Full essay under the cut! I worked hard on this, so I'd definitely appreciate the read. <3)

i. Orange as a Dark Side

The ways fans have characterized and defined Orange has always seemed to be rooted in their perception of what being a “Dark” Side is. That is— they are edgy, and somewhat suppressed. They are more “morally questionable” compared to the rest. More fics would even go as far as depicting Orange as morally black, in that he has no role in the narrative other than being a stirring force of conflict; a villain that needs to be defeated.

It is unfortunate to see such a surface level perspective on who the “Dark” Sides are and what they mean as an oppositional force to the “Light” Sides.

My stance on the “Dark” and “Light” sides has always been the same (if you read my past essays, you'll know). Like what Logan said in CLBG, the labels are arbitrary because no side can be argued to be “good” or “bad”. Although, it would be a complete lie for me to say there's no distinction. Rather, Thomas’ black-and-white thinking literally created one. But the distinction does not lie within the sides’ morals, rather it lies in how big their influence is on Thomas. Because the “Light” Sides are welcomed, Thomas will entertain their contributions more than the sides Thomas considers as “bad” or “taboo”.

In my opinion, Orange being morally black makes no sense in a series that is a.) thematically focused on dismantling black-and-white thinking, and b.) a man vs. self conflict. The villain is the problem of Thomas not being able to cope with his mental struggles properly. It would be odd to blame a portion of his brain as the evil of all evils. Although, I'd like to clarify that while Orange most likely wouldn't be morally black, it wouldn't be a surprise to me if he is just as dubious and mischievous as the other “Dark” Sides. After all, if they are the most suppressed sides, they would have to stick to unconventional tactics (aka looking scary) to get Thomas’ attention.

I'll explain more later when I get into what I think Orange actually does as a side. For now, I want to focus on Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, because I genuinely think it's an overlooked idea! While nothing is explicitly confirmed, the “Dark” Sides are implied to know something the other characters and we, the audience, don't know about. 

Janus and Remus share this sense of meticulousness. They always feel like they're scheming something. Janus, for example, took his time from CLBG to SVS.R to successfully impart to Thomas that acting out of self-interest isn't the worst thing in the world, especially if your mental health is crumbling. Remus is even in on this plan, although his motivations for assisting Janus aren’t actually explicitly expressed yet. Even if Remus wanted to challenge Logan's self-restraint in WTIT to prove how much it was harming Thomas’ long-term mental health, we still don't know if Remus is doing it out of care for Thomas, or just… ‘cus. Either way, it's important to know that whatever Remus is doing seems to point to the same direction Janus is going, which is to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking.

Assuming Orange is another “Dark” Side, it feels crucial to understand who Orange is in the context of this undisclosed plan. More than anything, because the “Dark” Sides want to be heard, it would make sense if they unionize to achieve that goal together. If they dismantle Thomas’ horrid perception of them, then all three of them would benefit. Thus, it would make no sense for Orange, if he were not morally black, to act solely out of individual interest. Yes, the “Dark” Sides seem to be introducing themselves one by one, but I feel like that's because a.) narratively, it's to pace, b.) it would scare Thomas for three strangers to pop up to him only for them to be shunned as a collective by the “Light” Sides, and c.) Janus and Remus seem to be performing specific roles in this overarching plan, so while they work separately, it's mostly for the same cause.

So, what does that mean, exactly? Like I said, the “Dark” Sides have an overall goal of being heard, strengthening Thomas’ mental wellbeing, and breaking his black-and-white thinking. If my theory is correct in assuming each “Dark” Side has a specific role for this plan, then pinpointing Janus and Remus’ roles may help us factor out Orange's role.

Here's what I deduced: Janus is there as some kind of soft launch, to set the principle. Janus mirrors Patton in that sense, although in the opposite direction. He breaks apart Thomas’ preconceived notions of the world and bandages it with better, more nuanced foundations. On the other hand, Remus somewhat acts like an alarm clock. While not all his contributions are worthwhile, his mere presence is a reminder that something has to be done. In the series, it's to cater to his deteriorating mental health. He checks if the principles Janus provides aren't being followed, and makes a good fucking clamor about it if it doesn't.

Orange, I'd argue, serves as a means for Thomas to externalize these principles. It would make sense that the last thing Thomas would need to do is to put everything into action. Janus points out how one can be disenfranchised, Remus points out when he is being disenfranchised, and Orange ensures Thomas can express his discomfort when he is disenfranchised. Makes sense, right?

Speaking of externalization.

ii. Personal and Narrative Purpose

If you’re a fan that pre-dates the release of WTIT, you're well-acquainted with the idea that Orange represents Rage or Wrath. This theory came about in cahoots with an old notion that each “Dark” Side needs to have a “Light” Side counterpart, especially if you share complementary colors. Thus, many people assumed that Orange is Logan’s foil. Consequently, most interpretations of Orange depict him as emotion-centric, specifically Rage, as that’s what most people assume is an oppositional force against logic. Moreover, because a portion of Logan’s arc revolves around accepting one’s emotions, it would make sense if Orange, as an emotion-centric side, would be part of that. We’ve gotten two hints from the series itself that confirms this: 1.) a fight sequence in SVS.R showing “Blinding Rage” as one of Thomas’ attacking options, and 2.) the infamous orange eyes in WTIT that appeared when both Thomas and Logan felt angry simultaneously. 

What’s funny is, if you really think about it, we literally only have two pieces of evidence that point to this widely accepted fan theory. Although, unlike the previous section, I’m more inclined to actually believe these theories because it… does make sense! Especially narrative-wise. At the moment, miscommunication amongst the sides are at an all-time high. This is mostly because each side refuses to express their thoughts, especially since they’re at the midst of a complete paradigm shift in terms of morality and principles. Everything’s just a little too fragile, and it does not help that Thomas’ mental health is also at the brink. After SVS.R, the sides have acknowledged Thomas is on edge, but they’re still doing nothing concrete to actually fix it.

WTIT is my favorite episode of the series because it encapsulates the entire conflict so well. While Logan isn’t perfect, much of the useful suggestions he provided since DWIT never last past the moment he suggested them. Did Thomas ever see a therapist? Not really. Did Thomas find someone to talk about his issues with? Doesn't seem like it. Is Thomas taking his time with his mental health recovery? Nope. More than anything, the “Light” Sides and Thomas are very reactionary towards their problems. It’s even worse when you consider that Thomas is opting to pursue a relationship in the middle of this mess. WTIT showing us Thomas getting irrationally angry at Nico for not replying to his texts is… an interesting Chekhov’s Gun for future episodes, lemme tell you that.

Now, why am I relaying all this? It’s mostly to prove that something, or someone, needs to snap. There are grievances between the sides and Thomas that they are consciously suppressing that need out. Roman, Logan, and Thomas, specifically, need some sort of outlet for their frustrations— a way to justify them, in a sense. Logan’s eyes glowing orange while he snapped at Remus speaks so loudly of what Orange may offer. Externalization, justice, “cathartic release,” as my friend Orb (@orbmanson7) put it. Presently, Orange as an externalizing force is needed so they can actually do something about this damn issue! 

And if not, I also see Orange’s role similarly to Remus’. As I’ve explained earlier, Remus’ presence acts as an alarm clock for Thomas to be aware of his deteriorating mental health. If Orange isn’t there to assist in an all-encompassing externalization of a side or Thomas’ deepest grievances, the mere presence of Orange as an emotional force can act as another kind of alarm clock. What I mean is, if we’re feeling mentally low, for example, we don’t need to express our grievances in the most eloquent way possible. Sometimes we just need to get angry. To cry, to shout nonsense. And that alone would be enough to prove that we need help. We need to do something about this. 

To summarize, I think most depictions connecting Orange to emotional externalization are not off. There’s a lot of objectivity surrounding it, both when it comes to the narrative and his semantics as a side. We need a driving force that can topple the sides and Thomas over the edge to fully process the depth of Thomas’ mental health issues. 

But, how does he, a supposedly, emotion-centric side, differ from Patton?

iii. Orange’s True Identity

Now that we laid our foundations, I think it would be a good time to entertain the question of: well, who is Orange?

Truth is, I have my own guess on what I believe Orange to be, but I cannot say my opinion is conclusive. My theories on Orange literally change every two months. So what I'll do, I suppose, is first, explain what makes a side a side. Then, I'll explain my own current predictions about Orange. Lastly, I'll list some popular fan theories I've heard about Orange and give you my thoughts.

a. What is a Side?

First— what constitutes a side? To me, there is no real basis in the conception of a side. Like what my friend Orb once explained to me, the interactions between sides are mental processes personified. This doesn't mean we should simply view the sides as metaphors, by the way. They're a hundred percent characters in their own right. But what I mean by “process personified” is that if we view one of Thomas' conflicts on its own— as in, without the sides— can we imagine the mental processes he's undergoing? To make it clearer, let's use an example. In WTIT, we see Remus and Logan battle out on who gets to influence Thomas more. If we saw this without the sides, we can think of it like— imagine you're having a bad mental health day. You wanted to do a list of chores but your mind is in the gutters right now. You feel guilty because of your demotivation. You try doing what you planned, but you still suck at it, and now you're spiraling, thinking about every insecurity you have, but you're also trying to combat that by rationalizing it.

I'm not gonna say that this definition solves who Orange truly is, but it does help when it comes to understanding how the sides work. Another characteristic of a side would be their multifacetedness. No side embodies one thing alone. They can have roles that are adjacent to each other, but not the same thing. For example, Roman embodies both the ego and creativity. Not the same thing, but it works in tandem in Thomas’ context. Same goes for Remus with intrusive thoughts and dark creativity. It is important to entertain the idea that Orange can encompass more than one role. 

The last thing to consider would be the technical difference between a “Light” Side and a “Dark” Side. The division was created for Thomas to compartmentalize and suppress sides of himself that his Catholic upbringing taught him to believe is bad. If we assume Orange is a “Dark” Side, he must be embodying something typically thought of as taboo. 

b. Who is Orange?

This brings us to our earlier question of, how does Patton differ from Orange if they both embody emotions? In DWIT, Logan confirms Remus was born from the categorization of certain thoughts as good or bad. I think it wouldn't be farfetched to suggest the same happened to Orange if he did embody emotions at a certain capacity. One of the biggest arguments I hear against this suggestion would be, if Patton already represents Thomas’ emotions, why do we need another side who does? The answer, again, lies in the themes of black-and-white thinking and compartmentalization. If Remus embodies the thought of committing a “sin”, Orange could possibly embody the actual emotions of wanting to do so. Anger is merely one possibility in Orange's roster of emotions. There are other emotions as well deemed “sinful” by Catholicism— pride, jealousy, hatred, greed, grief, etc. It would make sense that Patton would try omitting these out of himself when he was younger because he viewed them lowly.

So, what is my actual guess on who Orange is meant to embody? Well, I mean, I think my stance is pretty clear from the past 2500 words written literally before this. Simply put, if Remus is meant to embody forbidden thoughts, then Orange embodies forbidden emotions. Anger is merely one of many. He aids both Thomas and the other sides in externalizing strong emotions that seep past their efforts of suppression.

This is, of course, under the assumption that Orange is his own separate entity. I'm more inclined to believe this because Virgil confirms in CLBG that Janus has “Dark” Side friends (as in, plural). It also just feels more balanced this way if we consider the forbidden thoughts vis-a-vis forbidden emotions parallel to be true.

c. How could Logan be Orange?

But, of course, I've also considered the possibility of Logan being Orange. It's not my theory of choice but as someone who was balls deep in this theory a few months ago, there's definitely some merit to it. Here's the link to the post if you want to read my theory in full. It's pretty lengthy, but to summarize: This theory operates under the assumption that Thomas’ suppression of certain sides (ie. making them a “Dark” Side) makes them develop an additional role— the role Thomas perceives them as. 

To explain better, let's use Remus as an example. Logan explained that, originally, Remus separated from Roman as Dark Creativity. Because Thomas refuses to entertain any creative thought he deemed bad, any suggestion provided by Remus was immediately labeled as intrusive. Thus, he became intrusive thoughts via Thomas’ low perception of him. Same goes for Janus, but to a lesser degree. As a side, he mostly acts out of the interest of Thomas, somewhat like self-preservation. But, because Catholic upbringing teaches that selfishness equates to evil, Thomas perceives Janus’ role of keeping things hidden as deceitful.

Thus, if Logan is Orange, then that means Logan’s role as logic is warping due to Thomas’ low perception of him. It’s no secret that Thomas views Logan as a “strict” side. In this scenario, I wouldn’t exactly say his additional role has something to do with externalization. Moreso, it has to do something with assertion or strict discipline. Think of an authoritative figure, like a teacher. Usually, when an authoritative teacher isn’t being respected in a class, they resort to meaner tactics like passive aggression, manipulation, etc. to impose their power. Logan doesn’t really transform into anything opposite to who he is as Logic. Rather, he has an additional role that coincides with Thomas’ perverted perception of logic. I’m not actually sure what this role is, but if I were to guess, it has something to do with restriction, discipline, or conformity. 

Narratively, Logan becoming a “Dark” Side makes sense when you realize that his entire character arc is about him losing his sense of self-assertion. I made an essay last year that explores this if you want something to read later. To explain, WDWGOOBITM establishes how it’s important for Thomas to balance his practicality (needs) and aspirational desires (wants) for him to function as a human being. At the same time, we get LNTAO where Logan realizes that he failed to contribute to the discussion as usefully as the other sides. This creates a scenario where Logan concedes a lot of the decision-making to Patton and Roman’s hands. The result: Logan’s presence is minimized. Even in the episodes where he “saves the day” (DWIT and the Frozen episode), Thomas refused to consider his suggestions until the latter halves of the episodes. WTIT emphasizes this even more when we see Thomas prioritize his date with Nico to keep himself happy instead of focusing on the chores he promised to do. Even if we don’t know if Roman had anything to do with this, it’s obvious Thomas is naturally more inclined to do things Patton and Roman would prefer than something Logan does.

Thus, it makes sense that Logan becomes a “Dark” Side. But, and this is an important but, I don’t really agree with depictions of Logan suspending his role as logic to become a “Dark” Side. Logic is such an integral part of who we are as people, that even if you’re an intuition-focused person, you’d still have logical facilities in your head that connect one thing to another. Basic knowledge and all that. I can only see Logan be a completely new role if someone takes his place as Logic. Personally, I don’t like that idea, but you can make your own takeaways on this.

How “Dark” Sides are conceived would still be a mystery. The closest we’ve gotten to an explanation is Remus’ origin story, where he and Roman originally started as one creativity until they separated. In this sense, becoming a “Dark” Side didn’t really uproot Remus’ original role. He just changed a little. I’d like to assume the same for Logan, because if he is literally born as Thomas’ Logic, then he as a “Dark” Side would still have similar roles, just with minor changes.

d. Other Theories

Now with the main theories out of the way, let me speedrun through other theories I’ve heard and give my thoughts on it:

Procrastination: I feel like this is too surface-level for a side. As in, hHow would Procrastination justify itself to Thomas as a side that wants to help? Yes, Procrastination would be a good foil to Thomas, but Thomas’ inability to work doesn’t stem from Procrastination. It stems from bad solutions to his mental health crisis. Anyway, too cheap.

ADHD: This feels like… it’s prone to problematic territory. For real, ADHD is so multifaceted in itself, and is literally a disability? I think it makes more sense to have ADHD traits sprinkled amongst the sides rather than one character representing it as a whole. To make it its own guy is like suggesting the other six sides are divorced from Thomas’ ADHD characteristics, which feels wrong to me.

Hatred and any other suggestion that relates to “taboo” emotions: See my argument on Orange encapsulating forbidden emotions as a whole instead of Rage/Wrath on its own.

Justice: I actually liked this idea and sort of incorporated it with my idea of Orange as a means of externalization! To enact justice means to externalize your deepest desires— cathartic release. 

Regret: See: the last two points, since it’s very similar.

Repression: Your heart’s in the right place, but most theories that subscribe to this literally just describe Janus. Keeping things secret because you think it’s unbeneficial? That’s one of Janus’ roles. 

Insecurity: That is literally Remus’ role. While intrusive thoughts shouldn’t be viewed as meritable, intrusive thoughts base itself on a person’s sensitivities and insecurities. I also have an essay detailing how Remus is incredibly perceptive about everyone’s insecurities here.

That's about all the other theories I can recall, but if anyone else has other suggestions, send it to my inbox and I'll give you my thoughts. 

Now that we understand Orange's fundamentals and who he is as a side, the question to ask next is what is he capable of as a side?

iv. Powers and Influences

Now we get to the part where I am! The most unsure about! As of the time I'm writing this, I literally just had a conversation with Orb trying to understand how Orange “possesses” Thomas and the sides, and nothing conclusive came out of it. Even if we are shown one instance of how Orange influences the others (ie. Logan's orange eyes), we actually do not know how that works at all. 

I suppose we can start by asking ourselves how Orange embodies forbidden emotions. I see his insistence for Thomas to perform a certain emotion similar to how Patton would do it. It's impulsive, reactionary. They undergo a situation, then they make Thomas feel an emotion they deem apt for that situation. The only reason Orange isn't utilized as much as Patton is because, of course, Patton is who Thomas is more familiar with. I'd also like to argue that the emotions Orange would possibly encapsulate aren't ones that are constantly expressed. Most of the time, we are in a state of happiness or contentment, emotions covered by Patton. If not, we experience sadness, another common emotion covered by Patton. I would imagine Orange's roster of emotions are only experienced rarely, or if put in a continuous dire situation. Immense anger, for example, would pop up if you feel continuously disenfranchised by something. See: Thomas’ mental health crisis.

Ergo, Orange allows Thomas to feel “taboo” emotions when the situation calls for it. Pretty straightforward. But we're not done yet, because we have to consider what it means that Orange also assists other sides in externalizing their own emotions. We can't use the same argument we gave to Thomas because the sides… aren't each others’ sides. They're Thomas’. If Orange assists in the externalization of the other sides’ repressed emotions, then it has to work differently.

A widely accepted theory or headcanon I see in the fandom is that Orange “possessed” Logan to make him get angry. Or, Logan made a deal with Orange, and now he has angry spurts he doesn't understand. While I appreciate the efforts to make juicy angst, I'm not fond of the idea that these theories basically imply that Logan's anger in WTIT was not his own. In reality, it was. Logan suppressed his frustrations about everyone ignoring his suggestions, and now he snaps. Making it seem like he can't achieve these emotions on his own volition implies he has no frustrations about his predicament to begin with.

The real question is, then, why did Logan's eyes glow orange if his emotions at that moment were genuine? Well, like other segments of this essay, it's hard for me to say something conclusively. We literally have nothing else to work on, guys, pardon me if I can't be a hundred percent certain on my assertions. But if I were to guess, I'm inclined to believe that Orange cannot make the sides feel emotions that they don't already have. Rather, he's responsible for enhancing it. In Logan's situation, for example, his frustration is completely his own. But when you submit to something like, let's say, blinding rage, sometimes you lose your sense of control and simply act. In this case, Orange possibly assists the flow of emotions the side in question would be experiencing.

I'll admit though, I literally have no clue how Orange does that, how he assists the other sides to feel their repressed emotions better. Again, we are working with practically nothing here. Although, one thing we can entertain is the idea that Orange has something to do with a side's state of being. Just like how Janus causes the sides to cover their mouths when expressing a lie, the sides’ eyes could possibly glow orange just because they're feeling an intense, “taboo” emotion. If you don't want to imagine Orange as its own side, you can also factor in the popular fan theory that Orange is simply a state of being the sides experience, no additional side required. Either way, while we cannot dive deep on the semantics of the glowy eyes thing, we can at least confirm there is a link between a side externalizing repressed or “taboo” emotions and Orange himself.

v. Relationships With The Sides (Especially Logan)

Another thing I wanted to discuss is the relationships Orange shares with the other sides. The most accepted depiction of Orange shows him distanced from the “Dark” Sides, while also having a crude fascination with Logan. We've discussed enough of how I view Orange in the context of the “Dark” Sides, so I'd like to focus more on what it means for Orange to assimilate with the “Light” Sides, especially Logan.

Because Logan's first to be seen with these orange eyes, many are quick to assume this is an isolated case. Fair enough— we don't have other examples to compare this with. At the same time, I think a lot of people aren't considering the idea that, if we go by the assumption that Orange is connected to states of being, then any other side can also experience the orange eyes. I won't even be surprised if it happens to Roman in this coming season finale.

But is the much entertained idea of Logan being specifically targeted by Orange unfounded? I would say no, not necessarily. The “Dark” Sides and Logan have always had an interesting relationship. Logan in particular is shown to be the side most unbothered their presence. Again, he's the side who argued that no side can actually be categorized as “good” or “bad”. He's the most sympathetic to the “Dark” Sides, but also… isn’t. 

There's an explainable contradiction here. Even if Logan is nicer to the “Dark” Sides compared to the others, he also has the reputation of being able to easily and successfully shut down their suggestions. He completely opposed Janus’ side in SVS out of Thomas’ interest. He shut down Remus not once, but twice, to protect Thomas. But that's the thing— he does not shut down the “Dark” Sides’ contributions because he disagrees with them. Moreso, he does it because he thinks that's what Thomas’ wants. For example, he admitted in SVS that even if he wanted Thomas to attend the callback, he still preferred if Thomas attended the wedding instead because he thought that was what Thomas would have wanted.

And, well, we saw how Janus responded to Logan's decision— he was confused. It's like he had trust Logan would vouch for his side. Let's remember the main goal of the “Dark” Sides: to be respected, to break Thomas’ black-and-white thinking, and to get him out of his mental slump. This goal can only be achieved if they restore the balance of want and need lost partially due to Logan's diminishing self-assertion. They know Logan can do something if he lets himself loose. That's why Remus and Janus teased him in the Secret Santa gift exchange about wanting to express his frustrations. That's why, after Logan's outburst in WTIT, Remus says, “Gee, Logan, now you're speaking my language.” 

They want Logan in on their plan. For that to begin, they need to make Logan in tune with his own emotional wants and needs, to make him more assertive. Thus, Orange would have to step in. There is merit when fans joke about the “Dark” Sides wanting Logan to go apeshit— it's because it's true. It's because it benefits them.

I can only provide things to consider when it comes to the other sides:

With Patton, think of the point I made earlier about Orange being “bad” emotions divorced from Patton, in a similar way Remus and Roman were created. The main difference between them would be that Patton has more faculty over principles, since Janus has that covered for the “Dark” Sides. While Patton, influenced by Catholic morality, thinks emotions and morals are intertwined, it would make sense for the more cynical sides to view them as separate.

Roman, as aforementioned, may also be susceptible to Orange's influence as the other side tends to hide his emotions from the others. With how the narrative is building up, I won't be surprised if Roman's frustrations with the whole debacle about morals heightens in the finale, especially if something Interesting happens between Thomas and Nico. You can't use Nico as a distraction forever, Thomas. Remember Thomas’ anger at Nico not responding to his messages, remember Chekhov's Gun.

Virgil is an interesting case because he would be more familiar with Orange compared to the others. That begs the question of, is he aware of the “Dark” Sides current goals and plans? My idea is, yes, but only to a certain extent. This can go down many paths. There's the possibility that Virgil was the first part of the plan, but accidentally grew closer with the “Light” Sides before he fully completed it. This explains why he hasn't disclosed the plans to the others, especially since it may incriminate him as someone who was part of that plan. There's the possibility that he knows nothing of the plan, but is familiar with the “Dark” Sides’ antics. Thus, he can't do much but stay suspicious of the sides. Either way, we still don't know enough to conclude how much Virgil knows, but I doubt he would get along with Orange.

I pondered about Janus a little because, if Orange is meant to embody externalization in some form, what does that mean for him, the embodiment of self-preservation and secrecy? I don't have the answer, but while we know the “Dark” Sides have to work with each other, we don't actually know how close Janus and Remus genuinely are with Orange. To be fair, Janus and Remus are complete opposites and they get along fine. I'd definitely prefer it if all of the “Dark” Sides were actually close because it creates such a perfect juxtaposition to the “Light” Sides’ crumbling family. 

I also thought Orange and Remus would make interesting parallels as two forbidden versions of feeling and thinking respectfully. Like I said earlier, Remus can only suggest, but he never actually embodies the emotions of wanting to do taboo things. Orange, however, could. No other points except for the ones I mentioned about the “Dark” Sides in the previous bullet.

vi. Long-Term Presence

Originally, this essay would end here and already be posted. I even went through at least half of it for beta reading. Then, Orb started a discussion where they asked what I thought Orange's purpose was, especially since most theories (even the one you're reading right now) are more centered on Orange in the context of the current conflict. There was actually a part I wanted to write during the second segment where I disclosed what I thought Orange would contribute in the grander scheme of things, but I omitted it because it felt too out of place.

I replied to Orb what I was going to write; I thought that Orange was going to be the final push for Thomas to go to therapy, and make Thomas stand his ground more instead of asking the sides for advice every time he has an issue. I've always thought this, especially therapy, was one of the ways the series would end as a whole, because it means Thomas would stop talking to his sides. Or at least, in the way we see him do it in the show. That sounds a bit cynical, I know. Why would I suggest that Sanders Sides end by Thomas cutting ties with the sides?

Well, I'm not. Not entirely. I'm not advocating Thomas does. What I mean is, an underlying conflict to the current conflicts we have now is how Thomas internalizes his problems. This is literally how the series functions. Thomas has a problem, then consults himself about it via the sides. Even c!Joan mentions it in CLBG. This issue of the problem aversion Thomas has would be fine in the former parts of the series, as the things he consulted the sides about were small. But as the series progresses, we're facing issues that call for an entire paradigm shift in morality. Of Thomas putting himself and his friends in the infamous Trolley Problem. Of Thomas facing horrible intrusive thoughts he opts to combat alone.

I once called Sanders Sides a psychological horror because we see how a normal dude's mental health crumbles as he deals with life-changing situations alone. To find a solution for this main, underlying conflict means the show has to end— internalization IS the series’ foundation!

And so Orb suggested the most batshit idea— what if Orange was Thomas’ foil? Not in a sense that confirms the Opposite Sides theory. Rather, Orange, if his role is externalization, is literally the antithesis of how the sides work. As Orb put it, Orange is there to “completely wreck the format”, making Thomas realize that consulting the sides for help has its limits. He has to literally go out and touch grass, talk to his friends about his moral dilemmas, consult a damn therapist. That is what I think Orange's true purpose as a side is.

vii. Closing Statements

In the end, I can't say that everything I've stated in this essay is pure fact, but this is the most educated guess I can give considering what we're given and what we can expect to happen in canon. While most theories I've seen easily pinpoint different issues the sides and Thomas are facing in the series, these theories would then guess that Orange would be the cause of these issues. That's where theories like Procrastination, Repression, Regret, etc. come from. More than anything, I want you to see that Orange acts in response to these issues rather than in tandem with it. 

The best advice I can give you when theorizing about Orange is: ask yourself what needs to be seen in the series. Remember, Sanders Sides is a narrative. Episodes will continue to happen past Orange's inevitable reveal. Think of Orange in this context, as his own character with motivations and wants for Thomas. Only then you can make educated guesses about him.

Anyway, thank you for reading my incredibly extensive essay on Orange! Again, my words are not gospel, so if you want to discuss anything further, add onto this post or send me an ask! Please read this post though before you send me anything. And If you enjoyed this, PLEASE reblog, I'd definitely appreciate it! If you want to read more stuff from me, here's a carrd masterlist of Sanders Sides meta I've done. Happy reading!

[padfootdaredmetoo]

Hi lovely! Hope you’re doing well. I really like your writing and I was wondering if you’d be open to do a Tangerine smut where he realizes how much effect he has on reader (like with using pet names and stares and stuff) and he decides to make use of that?? Idek if you like something like that so if you wanna adjust pls feel free! Thanks so much💗

Heyo,

Thank you for this request, it's honestly been on my mind FOREVER. This is a mess with poorly written conflict and plot, but hopefully, I make up for it with spice. Thank you for sending this in and for being so patient with me, love. Enjoy!

Warnings: BIG dom/sub vibes, shooting, guns, violence, bad plot, smutty smut, established relationship, anxiety, mentions of the reader having a rough childhood, fingering, fucking, idk all the spice I guess, very supportive partner? good aftercare, very loving

So far vacation was an excellent idea. Lemon was occupied, flirting with anyone he could manage leaving him the space to fully enjoy the lovely lady pressed to his side. The relentless tropical heat placed you in various soft summer dresses. He watched you sip on your drink, providing commentary on Lemon’s interactions across the bar. 

He was only half listening, recognizing that your tone was relaxed and happy. His shoulders relaxed, a feeling he found strange. He and Lemon were out. That life was long gone behind them. The past few months were strange in their predictability and slow pace. There was something else though, in the pit of his stomach. Something told him the other shoe would drop eventually. 

There was only so much he could handle before he wanted that dress discarded on their bedroom floor. He pulled you up and enjoyed the flash of electricity that sparked in your eyes. Your red lips curved into a grin and he regretted the decision to go for drinks so far away from the hotel. 

You leaned into his side as his arm came around your shoulders, Tan hoped that he wouldn't have to live a day without that feeling. 

You both enjoyed the warm air as you walked along the boardwalk. His eyes fluttered around, checking every shadowed corner, every vantage point. He knew that he might relax a little, but some things would stay with him forever. 

He could feel the hair on the back of his neck rise up before he heard the shot fire. He pulled you behind a closed kiosk. It was quiet except for the ringing in his ears. He looked across the street to an empty warehouse. Pulling you along he made a run for it, putting you in front of him. 

Once inside he rounded the corner and heard a familiar voice yell out “GET DOWN.” He was distracted by the immediate rage he felt that Ladybug was here. Causing trouble and now giving him orders. Piece of shit. He didn't realize that you had immediately ducked down behind a large metal barrel instead of following him to the shipping container. 

He could see your face in the shadows. Your eyes were wide and your hands were shaking. Another round of gunfire exploded from the entry. 

There was a horrible bird call that made Tan smack his forehead despite feeling relieved that Lemon was there. He hoped, for your sake, that Ladybug would be siding with them in whatever mess this was. Then, when it was over, he would kill him slowly for dragging you into this. 

His eyes only strayed away from your face to survey the space around you. That barrel was going to give away eventually and he needed to tell you to run across when they reloaded. Stuff like this never needed to be spoken with Lemon, but you had clearly never been in a spot like this. 

Using his hands he tried to explain what to do. You mimed it back to him the best you could and he gave you a thumbs up. He held his hand up telling you to stay in place as the bullets cut through the space between the two of you. Your arms covered your head but thankfully you were tough enough to keep your eyes on him, focused on the goal. 

The fire stopped and he took a breath motioning you to run across. He stepped out and provided cover. He could hear Lemon somewhere on the rafters also picking off the enemy. He could tell that Lemon had the advantage and he knew it would be over soon. He caught you in his arms and held you close. He guided you down to a crouched position. His hands ran across your body looking for the slightest bit of damage. 

“Good girl.” He whispered breathlessly. Despite the chaos, he lived for the way your face changed. Your eyes got heavy, and you sucked in a breath. He knew you were in shock, probably not in your right mind, but he put his thumb on your bottom lip. His fingers brushed your neck, feeling your pulse hammering. He should stop, this was not the time or place to be distracted. But his confidence in his brother’s abilities awarded the darker parts of him a few more moments with you like this. 

“You did so good for me.” His voice was thick with intention he was consumed by the way you went under for him. Being shot at in a foreign place tucked behind a storage bin, you clearly had too much faith in him. His other hand slid up the inside of your leg, just high enough to brush across the wetness that he wanted so badly. You closed your eyes and he heard Lemon’s victory cry. Reluctantly he helped you stand up. 

“Finish this later” He mumbled righting himself. He hated himself for doing it, for enjoying it, when he should have been protecting you. 

Ladybug told them a long-winded story about the mission he was on as he drove the large SUV away from the warehouse now consumed with flames. Tan knew that he brought those idiots here to where they were because Ladybug knew they would help him. Stupid fucking ididot. 

“I’m sorry where are my manners -” Ladybug's eyes landed on you from the rearview mirror and Tan gave him a look. Apparently, it did its intended job as Ladybug gave him a respectful nod and made no reference to you for the rest of the drive. 

The night became longer and longer. They packed up their hotel room and Ladybug got them onto a private flight. The getaway was smooth, and they were comfortable all things considered. Tan was obsessed with you, unable to understand your behavior. You didn't lean into him, you clung to him. He thought about everything he knew about you as they got carted from plane to plane - then from car to car. He felt he had surely made the top three traumatic events in your life. 

He would get you somewhere safe enough to snap out of whatever haze you were in. You would rightfully lose it at him and he would return you home and pay for some extra security on your apartment. 

You didn't want to talk, you just drifted in and out of sleep holding onto his arm. He was thankful that Ladybug ignored your existence while still handing Tan blankets and a hoodie for you.

Eventually, they ended up at a safe house they had in Norway. He carried you into the cabin, noting that he would need to get you some new clothes tomorrow. The place was freezing having been abandoned.

Tan sat you on the edge of the bed and stepped back out into the hallway to see what Lemon needed from him. Without looking up from the laptop on the center island of the kitchen, Lemon just pointed back to the bedroom. Tan was relieved, and let Lemon do the setup. 

Unsure of how to start the conversation he shut the door and sat on the bed next to you. You tucked your knees to your chest and wrapped the many blankets around yourself. 

“So, well. Erm - bit of a mess back there huh?” He hated himself even more for his inability to do the right thing.

“That was a lot. Sorry, I’m not really prepared for this type of stuff. I don't know how to push it down like you guys.” You said with chattering teeth. Your words ran through his mind a few times. 

“Your apologizing?” He was suddenly angry, he would never be able to fully understand how badly your parents had messed you up. 

“Yeah, I was kinda useless. No gun, but also not a lot of training either - not to mention I sort of just shut down after.” You shrugged. “Sorry, I couldn't bring more to the team.” 

He wanted to shake you and shout. Tell you to be angry, show you how. Instead, he remembered the last time he shouted at you and how much pain it caused you. 

Instead, he grabbed your shoulders. “Sweetheart. Baby.” He said calmly. “You should be very angry at us.” 

He watched you slip away again and he wanted to punch the wall. 

“I put you in a lot of danger.” He watched you focus on his lips, eyes heavy. He considered derailing this conversation entirely but knew how important it was that you understood. 

“I didn't mind.” You mumbled airly. He let out a sigh, swearing under his breath.

“Baby, you should mind.” He said seriously. “Look -” 

“Tan, you kept me safe.” You whispered back. “This is the best thing I have. I don't mind if it’s dangerous.” 

“You should - You-” 

“Please” You pleaded with him in a wet voice. 

“What?” He asked caught off guard. 

“Just - not tonight. I want you to -” You couldn’t find the words and nodded at him like he would figure it out. “Just do the thing,” You said finally.  

“What thing babygirl?” He gave up and decided he would punish himself for it later. “You tell me what you want, baby.” His tone of voice was enough to send you into the haze. 

“I don’t know, just want you.” You said in a small voice and he finally kissed you, eating up the moans that escaped your lips. You were dangerously submissive. Something he wanted to handle delicately but struggled with as you would beg him for more. 

He slowly got you out of your clothes, not wanting to push you. You laid back on the bed looking almost pained by experience. He brought his hand out to rest on top of your chest. He felt your chest sink as a large sigh escaped you. 

“So beautiful” His words painted a thick blush across your face that ran down your neck. 

“Did so good for me today.” He praised you and you looked possessed as you bathed in his words. “Such a good girl.” 

It was even more evident how badly neglected you must have been as a child. Anger swelled in his chest before he reminded himself that he might as well shower you in it now. That's what you wanted.

His hand ran slowly down your chest. His hand cupped your breast and he slowly encircled your nipple before giving it a light squeeze. He watched your patience wear thin at his slow pace. He was sure you would snap at him like you usually did. This time was different, fat tears swelled in your eyes and spilled over your cheeks. 

“Baby what’s wrong.” He asked brushing the tears off your right cheek. 

“Want you.” You choked. He didn't think it was humanly possible to be this vulnerable and open. Yet here you were, tied up in knots over how badly you wanted him. 

He shushed you soothingly. It was impossible to deny you. He ran his hand down your stomach and finally to the place you needed him. 

He gave you praise over every little moan and twitch, watching you fall apart. He got you to climax, thinking this would snap you out of it. Your chest was heaving and the dreadful tears were back. 

“Please.” You gasped. He again, could not deny you, even if he wanted to. 

“Be a good girl and wait for me.” He said firmly removing his hands to take off his clothes. You lay there on your back, legs still wide apart, for the first time without shame. You always wanted to be under the sheets or hidden. He looked down at the wet mess between your legs, he felt pride in making you happy. This wasn't something he was taking from you, this was something he was giving you. 

Once coming to terms with this being about you, his hesitation left him. He knelt between your shaking legs, enjoying the way his fingers slid through your folds with ease. How his two fingers slid inside you with no resistance. Your body was truly desperate for him. 

You moaned and contracted tightly around his fingers. 

“Good girl, squeezing me so tight.” You let out a ragged breath in response. He wanted to stuff his cock as deep as you could manage, but he was enjoying the way you unraveled for him too much. 

He pushed the length of his cock through your folds enjoying the way your hips bucked wildly as the head of his cock brushed your clit. 

“Fuck” He breathed. “So good for me baby.” 

He circled your entrance again with the tips of his fingers. “Gonna put it right here, baby.” He watched you squirm with impatience but pushed you further. “That what you want?” The pushed his fingers in slowly. “Want my cock right here.” 

Your walls contracted around his fingers again as you let out a moan. 

“Please.” You begged. 

“Please what? Use your words. Be good for me.” He chuckled as you tightened around him again. 

“Please let me have your cock, there - please.” The words were a struggle for you as his fingertips rubbed against the sensitive spot. 

“Good girl.” He removed his fingers and with much control, he pressed the now slightly purple head of his cock against your entrance. The wet heat was unbearable, he took a deep breath and as slowly as he could manage pushed into the spongey tightness. You choked out a sob that was jarring to him. He stopped and watched you try to buck your hips up. His hands came down on your hips pressing the down into the soft bed. 

“No,” He said firmly. Your face twisted up with impatience. You relaxed then he pushed inside slightly further. Your back arched and he stayed at that depth, slowly moving in and out. Even with your hips being still, your hot walls tried to pull him in further. 

He had never understood it. Never had any reason to pursue it. If anything, he thought it was weird. When the words fell from your lips with such reckless abandon, all his self-control snapped. 

“Dady” 

He left no time for embarrassment to worm its way in. He was now consumed with desperation. He pushed into feeling himself stretch you out fully. Your cervix crowned the head of his cock and he retreated, only to press into you hard and fast. 

Your mind and body broke down around him. Nothing made sense anymore, no time, no problems. Just you all around him. 

You came, coming down around him tight enough to push him out. This only made him hold you down harder wanting to be in you fully when he found his own release. 

“You going to cum again like that for me baby?” You let out a strangled noise and he pushed further. “I want you to cum nice and hard for me, help me off, baby.” 

He felt your body start to fill with tension. 

“Help me cum” Your body started to get tight, this time he held you down. “Just like that, good girl.” He grunted. Your body swallowed him down before constricting around him. Your body choked around with enough pressure to force him to release. It hit him like a truck, staying still as your body pulled his seed from him. After what felt like an eternity of breathlessness and pulsing he collapsed and tried his best not to crush you. 

He felt your arms settle around his neck. Your fingers running through his hair.  

“I don't know what that was. I don't know why I liked it. But I did.” You said firmly and he let out a chuckle. 

“Did I get you back then?” 

“I’m here.” You said. 

“You mad about everything?” he asked, happy to be able to talk to you with a clear mind. 

“I feel a lot of things right now, mad isn't one of them.” You whispered giving his hair a slight pull.

He enjoyed how you didn't protest him when he tried to look after you. You were always so eager to show that you were independent, so certain he would punish you for anything less.

Now you were letting him wash your hair. Your muscles relaxed as his hands ran over you with soap.

Once dried off you curled up against his side and fell asleep. No nightmares, just sound asleep at his side.

It was almost enough to make him feel like this was meant to be.

The time he shouted at her

[icarusbetide]

wtf was hamilton actually like

yet another long rant about how little i really know about hamilton! this is in regards to his personality because i can't get him down. i can't figure out what he would've been like in everyday life.

for any historical figure, we take explicitly documented traits and build off of them. even if it's clumsy, i'd be confident "predicting" how washington & jefferson usually act, etc. but for some reason, ham's characterization is all over the place. his recorded personality traits, also mixed with his political attitudes, often conflict and authors end up leaning into certain parts. for instance: there's flirty & flamboyant ham. there's prideful, arrogant, standoffish ham. there's bumbling politics ham, obtuse and belligerent 24/7 - aka musical ham, but that was an intentional choice. there's even kind and warm ham, which definitely seems accurate for his family and close friends least.

was he loud and intense 24/7? or was that just him during work, since we also know that he had a habit of mumbling to himself and looking like a daydreamer to spectators?

some people said that his general countenance was serious and austere, but we also know that he could be a charmer in social spaces. he was described as feminine but also as "martial". some have written that there's an "simplicity" in his manners, and a clear openness, but we also speculate that he closed off some part of his emotions after laurens' death. he was constantly worried about his loved ones' health, like him tucking in judge ford, but we also know that he could ghost people mercilessly. was he guarded or was he not?

i guess i can pinpoint how he might have interacted with select people, like eliza, his children, washington. but i don't know which side of him was shown in the majority of his interactions - what the "real" him, or at least common him, would've been.

one of my fav descriptions of him notes how even his speech fluctuated:

“His language is not always equal; sometimes didactic like Bolingbroke’s; at other times light and tripping, like Sterne’s. His eloquence is not so defusive as to trifle with the senses, but he rambles just enough to strike and keep up the attention...His manners are tinctured with stiffness and sometimes with a degree of vanity that is highly disagreeable. “

and i recall another anecdote about how he was serious and made intelligent conversation at dinner, but became more of the flirty charming persona afterwards while socializing.

like all human beings he was multifaceted, but damn. i really can't confidently say "oh if you ran into hamilton in the street he would be really polite/reserved/kind/charming."

i guess all of this goes to say that this guy was insanely complex and i'm not sure if anyone, let alone himself, really figured it out. that's definitely why i'm interested in him as a figure, but ugh. frustrating when i'm writing and can feel myself slipping into a common ham archetype that i don't think is 100% accurate. and we didn't even get into how much of that is "real" or - adams' version.

[sophaee]

Okay so I have a little prediction about yuumori part 2, the events of pt.2 might possibly drive a bit of wedge between the moriarthree. They haven't seen each other in 2 years, all of them have matured in one way or another, and have moved on from the past. And while having a strong family bond is nice and all, it's more probable than not that now they WILL run into all sorts of disagreements much more often than before when a huge amount of their decisions felt like they were made with the trio in mind, barely any "selfish" choices were made.

However, now they are actual individuals, and have established their own lives, Louis is now the head of MI6, William has spent 2 years in the US on his own (well maybe except for Albert, that man just decided to put himself in prison and it was just him and his intrusive thoughts for 2 years, but solidarity changes people, too, he's come to a lot revelations, thought his life choices through, etc.)

Louis might secretly have some mixed reactions after their reunion. In my humble opinion he has every right to feel bitter about brothers' return, they both just left him on his own after all these years that he sacrificed his own interests for their well being. Heck, if I were this man, I probably wouldn't be even able to face those two. William and Albert coming back, is, of course, a blessing, but at the same time, deep down it might also feel like a curse. Louis has finally started living his own life, and it might just revert to the way things were before. But being in the shadow of his brothers isn't his thing anymore. Would he be able to give up his wants and needs for the sake of his brothers lime he used to?

Now onto Albert, he's always been there to provide financial support for the brothers, kind of like a parent. But what happens when both of the people you've grown used to providing things for, can now provide for themselves just fine, and don't need you anymore?

And most importantly, what about the main character of the story, William? Does this man really expect his brothers to stay the same, and leave an empty space for him to return to for so long, after he tried to unalive himself, survived and went to live with his new bestie instead? I know he wasn't allowed to contact them, but he could've at least contacted them in secret, he's not exactly the type that follows the rules, is he? But no, he kept the fact that he's alive a secret for 2 years, after most of his team finally started to move on. He used to be their leader, but now that things are running perfectly without him, will he, with his saviour complex, be satisfied with a role "less important"?

It would be very interesting to see the new moriathree struggle to get along in some situations where they used to think like one and the same before. I think a lot of people know firsthand just how much people can change, when they're apart, with completely different influences, in such a big amount of time.

Besides, now that the main plot point is allegedly resolved (the large amount of classism amd elitism in Victorian era Britain), since in the final scene Louis suggested that no more work needed to be done, what else would do for a good follow-up conflict? I like to believe there's a secret traitor in MI6 but probably the only ones capable of secretly plotting their own thing without getting caught are the brothers themselves, and something needs to happen for any of them to choose to follow a different path than the rest.

(also, I'm really sorry if the text might be just straight up incomprehensible in some parts, English isn't my first language... I just really needed to talk about my silly little predictions for part 2 somewhere since I'm really REALLY excited for the manga to return but don't really know anyone in the yuumori fandom irl)

[wingedblooms]

A bit new the to fandom so I do apologize if you have already previously touched on this but what are your theories surrounding Dusk Court? Which Archeron sister will be the one to revive it? There are so many theories about Nesta and her association with Dusk, becoming HL which to be completely honest, I find very confusing given her powers and lack of bloodline relation to Rhys. Some also note the sun imagery that looks to be a setting sun on Nesta’s book cover, which can also be argued is a rising sun but again those theories point her to Dusk. I’m honestly not convinced SJM will focus so much on reviving Dusk in the ACOTAR series as they have many other conflicts to resolve but perhaps in a crossover? I also do not think it would be Nesta who would revive — most likely Elain but just wanted to get your thoughts as I enjoy reading your theories.

Hello there! Thank you so much for sending this kind ask. 🥰 There are so many wonderful theories on the Dusk Court; @offtorivendell has a brilliant and comprehensive meta on it that I’d recommend reading (here, here). The few I’ve discussed Dusk with generally agree that the hints in acosf and discoveries in hofas extend beyond Dusk. I wondered about this in Forbidden secrets, predicting that Elain and Azriel might map the secrets of the land, find the source of corruption, and heal the earth at the very root, which I argued was connected to the Cauldron. Sarah expanded upon that plot in hofas, and I think most (if not all) subplots are connected to it.

The Cauldron remains a consistent presence in the spin-off series. An echo of Azriel’s question in his bonus (what if the Cauldron was wrong?), we learn in hofas that the Cauldron was warped by the Asteri. It is also confirmed by the Under King that Urd is Wyrd, and she is a mother to all, a cauldron of life, and a weaver of fate (Mother, Cauldron, Fate). She is not a goddess, but a force. One of my theories is that the female hands/forms in her depictions—both from the living and the dead—are bearers of her power (eg, the Archeron sisters) rather than an actual goddess. What was Wyrd like before the Asteri warped her? When did she become known as a goddess, and why? Was that shift part of the Asteri’s efforts to control the Fae? Is that why some of the High Priestesses are perversions of what they once were, as @violetasteracademic recently mentioned? How many of their beliefs and rituals have been warped to serve the Asteri? Some of the answers might be found beneath Level Seven of the Library, which may have possessed the ancient summoning spell Pelias used, or even beneath Ramiel where the Cauldron once rested. But I have a feeling some of these secrets need to be revealed in Elain’s sight. Feyre suggests that Elain might hear the whisperings of the Cauldron in her murky realm, and Elain is able to convey how the Cauldron feels in acowar, so they are closely linked. I believe she was given the vision and gifts (such powers) to help unravel the Asteri’s remaining influence and heal Cauldron. I’m hoping this plot means a trip to Cretea (among other places), where the Cauldron is currently hidden, in her book. For more, see: language of creation | blooming dreams | flower of life | rose symbolism | murky realm | warped bonds | a true choice

The sacred sister peaks were discussed in acosf and we learned that the Asteri, at the very least, planted magic at their very roots. The Prison Island (Dusk) is home to one of these sacred peaks. Again, I believe unearthing this magic, and other forbidden secrets, will require Elain’s vision and gifts (especially if she has earthen magic). Eris emphasized that Ramiel, the heart of the Night Court, remains largely unexplored. It is explicitly linked to the Cauldron in hofas, so I am fairly certain the characters will need to go there and may learn more about Wyrd (mother, cauldron, fate), the Illyrians, the Asteri, etc. Like Nesta and Feyre, I believe Elain will go to all three sacred peaks, but I am unsure, like @offtorivendell, if all will be unbound and healed by the end of her book. Specifically, Bryce could not awaken the Prison Island without releasing the prisoners, and I do not see the IC suddenly becoming eager to experiment with it when the risk to their world is so high. I haven’t seen a theory that truly resolves that roadblock, but I could be wrong about that and I am curious to know what others think. Now, I could see a situation in which the prisoners are released by Koschei, especially if @silverlinedeyes is right and he is released from his own magical chains in the process of Elain unbinding and healing the land and/or Cauldron. He might try to claim the prisoners on the Prison Island (Dusk) for his own purposes (ie, revenge for being bound, reclaiming his rightful place as a death-god to be worshipped, etc.). For more, see: forbidden secrets | blooming dreams | the third sister | a promise of spring | heart of the night court | slumbering, secret land

Starborn heritage and weapons were brought up in hofas, and I think there are good arguments for Rhysand, Mor, and Azriel being connected to the Starborn by blood. But the question remains: do any of them have the power of an heir, meaning they are truly able to use the magic of Starborn weapons (or Made objects in general), like Bryce? Or is that why the Made sisters, who match Rhysand in power and can wield Made objects, have found their way to the Night Court? I think the symbol on Nesta’s back is less about her being connected to Starborn heritage/gifts alone because Amren clearly states that all three sisters have been blessed by fate (Wyrd) with power to match Rhysand. They might even be the three faces of the Mother (Wyrd) in the flesh, like the witches in tog. It would make sense that this power could be the equivalent of the magic that Starborn heirs possess. It is also worth noting that Elain might have used the magic of Truth-Teller, a Starborn heirloom connected to a famous Illyrian warrior, to protect her family, while Azriel (who has possessed it for years) might still not know how it works. There’s a reason the Truth-Teller scene exists and Sarah reminded us of it in the bridge to the spin-off series. And no, I do not think this makes her a warrior in the same sense as Nesta; their characters, roles, and powers are different. I am far more interested in Elain learning to use her magic, which may be more precious than any soldier, any weapon, and this could extend to understanding and using the magic of Made objects like Truth-Teller and the Starsword, which are now conveniently in the Night Court. For more, see: marked by wyrd | dreams that are answered | starborn | hope shining through the void

Koschei and his web of influence is likely connected to the Asteri. Why does he appear like a wraith when we finally meet him? If he had access to his full power, would he appear in a different form of his choosing, like the Asteri? Despite the fact that he was bound thousands of years ago, he is still powerful enough to spread his influence through whispers on the wind. Vassa claims that is the reason the (now missing) queens turned against her and sold her to Koschei. It would make sense for him to plant seeds of discord throughout the land, including among key political players (such as Vallahan), to thwart any alliances that could unite Fae and mortals. The Asteri knew that in order to effectively control the Fae (in addition to warping their beliefs and rituals to benefit them), they also needed to establish an hierarchy that would create rifts among beings, ensuring the Asteri could never be overpowered by a united enemy. For more, see: koschei’s release (reblog of heart of the night court) | spy and courtier and ambassador | a different sort of strength

Whether it involves maneuvering in foreign courts or descending into the earth, Elain and her friends make the most sense to me to uncover secrets and move us closer to a full resolution. And I expect her sisters will still be very present, caring for their court as ruler and warrior respectively. It would also make sense narratively for Elain’s journey to come before we see the sisters truly work together, each leveraging their strengths to deal with Koschei and make progress on peaceful alliances.