#i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.

[koishikei]

i rly like my buddy's gf but i s2g if i have to hear her refer to me as a girl one more fucking time i am leaving this gathering until she's gone

[aevallare]

Shoutout Sundayyyyyyyyyyy thing i am doing instead of anything productiveeeeee

@cursedhaglette shouted me out and i figured it was only fair to pay it forward!

as u may know. your girl does not actually read that much. but i never miss. this is my solemn vow.

let's GO. in no particular order.

mercurial world - the GOAT. i get an email that @again-please has posted anything and my world stops until i read it. the series that made me feel like writing bg3 fic was worthwhile because if there was work like this, i'd have peers making something outright beautiful. sorry. i'm really normal about your work. also i think neve and auri would be good friends and that's the highest compliment i can bestow. anyway. cough. f!tavstarion.

the transformed tiefling - everyday i wake up and @dwarfsized is doing the coolest shit i've ever seen. the plotting and the character work are both divine. her only flaw is that she's got as many wips as me, but she's twice as sexy doing it. f!tavstarion.

haunt me - @theemptyislost does smut right. mind the tags. anything else i say pales in comparison to just reading it yourself. haarlep/f!tav/raphael and also astarion is there

litany - @caspercryptid does character work like nobody i've ever known. gwen is the durge. the one and only. f!durgestarion

hold me like a grudge - do you like food trucks? do you like gale and halsin. you know you do. @the-neon-pineapple has the perfect fic for you. galesin!

love comes wearing disguises - it won't let me tag @deltatime!!!!!! wtf. great smut. read the tags doe. <3 f!tavstarion

i also have just started an honest lie by @howlsmovinglibrary/@wetcatspellcaster and everyone already knows her fics are incredible i'm sure but i would be remiss not to mention them <3

[inlovewithregencyera]

transcript under cut : )

Paelford House

July 8th, 1818

*Aurelia sniffling and starts softly crying*

*Aurelia starts violently sobbing*

July 8th, 1808

Auglire Castle

Robert: Sugarplum?

Robert: Sugarplum, where are you?

Robert: And why is it so damn dark in here?

Robert: Sugar?

Robert: Aurelia, please come out. It's your birthday and I have a surprise since nobody else in this damn castle seems to care.

Robert: Aurelia..?

*Aurelia sniffles*

Robert: There you are my dear. Whatever is the matter?

Aurelia: Leave me be Uncle Bertie. I wish to be alone today.

Robert: No, no I won't do that. It's your birthday and your foolish da-forgive me, your foolish parents can't seem to remember. Your mother is still in her bed and not dressed and your fool of a father has been off riding since the crack of dawn, which is never good, he always does that when something is troubling him.

Aurelia: He's been going off riding for long periods every morning since....you know.

Robert: Yes, I know how he reacts to death but he has other children to attend to as well. Mama says he's worse than when our Father died. Had I known it was this bad here I wouldn't have been in the city so long...

Aurelia: *wiping eyes* Well, if you should know, I asked that for my birthday nobody did anything or mentioned it, so it's not their fault. All I asked for was to be alone.

Robert: Well, I'm not respecting that wish. You don't need to be alone, especially on your birthday. None of them have any sense to realize that.

Aurelia: *sniffles* But I WANT to be alone. No birthday will ever be the same again without her. I hate my birthday.

Robert: Well I love your birthday and would like to celebrate it with you and that's why I've came all the way from Winshire. Since those fools haven't prepared you a cake, you and I will go to the sweet shop and get sorbet.

Aurelia: Why should I enjoy any sweets if she never will again? It's my fault, I-

Robert: No, sugar, quit saying that. If you'd like to blame anyone then let it be me, I can bear it. I can't bear you thinking it's your fault though.

Aurelia: But it is…

Robert: *sitting down* No, no its n-*back cracks* NOT!

Aurelia: *softly giggling*

Robert: I'm glad my pain amuses you. If I could break every bone in my body a million times just for you to be happy, I would.

Aurelia: You don't mean that.

Robert: I mean it with my whole heart.

I love you, and I do hate seeing you sad. I too, know how it feels to lose a sister, you know?

Aurelia: *sniffles* Yes, yes I know.

Granny doesn't speak about her that much, neither does Papa.

Robert: They do that because it's easier for them. It's been nearly forty years, and I assure you not a day goes by where they don't think of her. I think of her everyday, and was only eight when she passed.

Aurelia: *softly* What was she like?

Robert: *smiling* Georgiana was a lot like you, believe it or not. She was kind, compassionate, and a little shy. But she didn't really prefer naturally feminine hobbies such as embroidery, cross stitching, or anything to deal with music and that upset our Mama a lot. My Father adored her, because she shared his interests. Before bed, she would often scare your Papa and I with silly ghost stories and don't tell him I told you this, but he once got so scared he wet himself in his nightgown.

Aurelia: *hysterically laughing* Really?

Robert: Yes sugarplum, really. He was around your age when this happened.

Aurelia: *sitting on lap* Uncle Bertie?

Robert: Yes sugarplum?

Aurelia: Does it get any better?

Robert: What do you mean?

Aurelia: Will I ever stop feeling so…sad?

Robert: The pain won't go away, but in time, you'll learn how to manage it better. You won't feel so sad everyday when you're older, it'll just be some days.

Aurelia: But will I ever feel happy again?

Robert: Of course you will sugarplum! You will have many happy memories in your lifetime, trust me. The happy ones outweigh the bad ones, I know it's hard right now, but I promise you eventually it'll get better, *kisses cheek* alright?

Aurelia: Alright. Can we still maybe get sorbet..?

Robert: We will go right now. *picking up* I'll even buy you a whole cake for yourself, how does that sound?

Aurelia: *gasp* Really? But what will Papa say?

Robert: He won't know. Perhaps we will buy him one too, he might need it.

Aurelia: I think Papa needs more than a cake!

Robert: At this rate...I think he does too. We will worry about him tomorrow though, today is your birthday, not his.

Bridget: Aurelia…?

Bridget: *grabbing face* Aurelia.?

Aurelia: *pushing away* Why are you in here..?

Bridget: I couldn't sleep well, my room is too hot. Yours is always cooler...

Aurelia: *sniffling* You always say this when you want to sleep with me.

Bridget: Well, perhaps I do, but I can't because you're upset! What's wrong?

Aurelia: Why does everyone have to die?

Bridget: Is this about Harriet?

Aurelia: Uncle Bertie.

Bridget: Oh, I miss him too Aurelia. What made you think of him today?

Aurelia: I remembered how he took me for sorbet on my birthday ten years ago.

Bridget: Aurelia, it's alright. *caressing cheek* You know he wouldn't want you to be like this, you can't say he would.

Aurelia: No, *wiping eyes* no he wouldn't.

Bridget: It'll be alright Aurelia. Tonight will be the best birthday of your life and I'll make sure of it!

Aurelia: *sniffles* Oh please don't say this will be the best one. I'm already sad today, I would like to at least hope for one birthday in the future where I wake up happy and not cry.

Bridget: Fine. It will be ONE of the best birthdays of your life. *grinning* Is that better?

Aurelia: A little.

Bridget: You shall dance with your future husband, and all is well!

Aurelia: *smirking* I do hope you’re right.

Bridget: When am I not?

Aurelia: Well..

Bridget: *giggling* No do not answer that.

Now, let us both go back to sleep!

Aurelia: I suppose you mean not to sleep in your own bed?

Bridget: Yes! *climbing in bed* It's too much trouble to walk back.

[sebbianas]

i have finally sat down and did the math so here’s all the speak now songs and what marauders ship i think of for each and what lyric stands out to me

Mine - wolfstar - braced myself for the goodbye ‘cause that's all I've ever known then you took me by surprise you said, "I'll never leave you alone"

Sparks fly - jegulus - it's just wrong enough to make it feel right

Back to december - jegulus - you gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

Speak now - nobleflower - you wish it was me, you wish it was me dont you

Dear john - lily about snape - you are an expert at “sorry” and keeping lines blurry

Mean - mary’s theme song - someday i’ll be big enough so you cant hit me (her outliving all the people who tormented her)

The story of us - black brothers - this is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less but I liked it better when you were on my side

Never grow up - black brothers/black sisters - I won't let nobody hurt you won't let no one break your heart and even though you want to please, try to never grow up

Enchanted - pandalily - my thoughts will echo your name until i see you again

Better than revenge - rosekiller (in their toxic era) - you might have him but i always get the last word

Innocent - regulus’ theme song - today is never too late to be brand new

Haunted - jegulus - stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had but I still mean every word I said to you

Last Kiss - jegulus - And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

Long Live - marauders to each other - I had the time of my life with you

Ours - marylily - seems like there's always someone who disapprove they'll judge it like they know about me and you and the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do the jury's out, but my choice is you

Superman - (not marauders but) drarry - And you'll leave, got places to be, and I'll be okay I always forget to tell you, "I love you" I loved you from the very first day

Electric touch - dorlene - all I know is this could either break my heart or bring it back to life got a feelin' your electric touch could fill this ghost town up with life and I want you now, wanna need you forever

When emma falls in love - james’ theme song - when Emma falls apart, it's when she's alone she takes on the pain and bears it on her own cause when Emma falls in love, she's in it for keeps she won't walk away unless she knows she absolutely has to leave

I can see you - jegulus - and I could see you being my addiction you can see me as a secret mission

Castles crumbling - sirius after the prank - power went to my head and I couldn't stop ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off and here I sit alone behind walls of regret falling down like promises that I never kept

Foolish one - rosekiller - you will say you had the best of intentions and maybe I will finally learn my lesson

Timeless - jily - I'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray we'll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we've made and you'll say, "Oh my, we really were timeless"

[the-resident-gay]

Nobody by The Crane Wives is an Icarus Morningstar song

Some of it is more of a stretch than others but it is, overall, an Icarus Morningstar song

She woke me up at dawn, soft-spoken as a spider Spinning webs of holy words while she was still asleep

Fable communicated with Icarus, begging them to release him, in every way possible, including through dreams if my memory serves me correctly Kill the moon beneath my window, pull the covers tighter And hear her voice go swinging like a hatchet through the trees

The things are with Icarus almost all the time. Especially towards the end of the SMP, they are often trying to be the voice of reason- and Icarus knows this, Icarus asks us, the things, why we can't just trust them. But on some level, they know what they're doing is wrong, we can see it on their face when they read the chat and process and feel the need to respond, to argue, to defend their actions. And there's something about that, about how they hear us and listen and still keep going with what they were doing anyway. Like they refuse to acknowledge their own reservations about their actions until someone else puts words to them.

There's a shadow at the back door Something's moving in the shade She lights cigarettes like lanterns For the darkness in my head

This is a bit of a reach but this is also about the things. The things, so loud about how Icarus shouldn't do what they're doing, shouldn't side with Fable, shouldn't run after Rae found out about Centross. They bring light to what Icarus is ignoring.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

And this is about Fable. This is about Fable manipulating Icarus from the beginning, taking advantage of Icarus' self-imposed isolation(they didn't talk to people unless asked to, Rae or Centross had to get them out of the house often), how after Centross died Fable said he'd bring him back. And Icarus listening to what he told them, only what he told them.

Tender as a bruise, sharper than a razor Wrap her tentacles around me like she'll never let me go

Fable needed to keep Icarus on his side. He would manipulate them as much as he needed to in order to keep his child on his side. But some part of Icarus knew Fable was and would continue doing more harm than good. Her fury shakes the rafters, but never in my favor I'm trembling in the eye of the only storm I've ever known

Fable wasn't exactly kind to Icarus. And I think that's putting it lightly. Icarus, whether they realized it or not, was at least a little afraid of Fable. They're also desperate for his attention, his praise, his *love*. And they didn't get it, did they? But they got his disappointment when they failed to follow through.

The keys are in the back door Something's wailing in my chest It eclipses every siren Any sins that she's confessed

Icarus could've left! They could've. They could've gone back to Rae. Ven left, and would have taken them with. Arisanna too. And they know this, they know that leaving was always an option in the back of their mind and that part of them was crying, screaming, begging to leave and would not stop.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me So she tells me

The "So she tells me" carries so much. Who has loved Icarus the way Fable claims he does? Who has cared the way Fable claims? After Centross died Icarus was vulnerable and Fable preyed on that. So he tells them he will bring their friend, their best friend, back. Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

And Icarus agrees. Icarus believes. Icarus believes Fable, and considers nobody else.

I should be counting blessings Something is better than nothing Isn't it, isn't it, isn't it?

This is enough, for Icarus. This isolation, this cage Fable put them in, they put themselves in. Because they have something, right? This belief that when all is said and done, Centross will be brought back. Right? Right? They're lucky Fable cares, aren't they? It's close enough to perfect What does it hurt, a little bit? A little bit A little bit The glitching hurt. Missing Centross hurts. Being alone hurts. But it's okay. It's okay. They're making everything better, they're fixing everything. Who cares if it hurts?

Maybe they deserve to hurt

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she loves me

This is Icarus' final acceptance. They know what they're doing is wrong but they're in too deep now. Nobody ever loved them like Fable does because Fable doesn't, thats the thing. But they're in too deep, they're too far gone, they are in their own mind beyond saving.

Nobody ever loved me, ever loved me Nobody ever loved me Like she tells me she does

But in the end, its fake. Fable always tells them, and nothing else. And they listen. They listen to what Fable tells them.

[idle-daydreams]

idk if you’re doing oc-reader requests. But uh…yeah

could you do a Yandere fyodor with a reader inspired by my oc, Nera?

the gist is, she’s the guardian of the book(the one everyone wants). However, she has a deep rooted loyalty to the agency. The only thing rivaling that loyalty, would be her love for Sigma, one of the few she views as family. She’s distrustful of people, but still nice to people she knows and likes. Her ability allows her to feel the emotions of others, but she’s very sensitive to it. She usually wears mostly back formal wear, liking pants better so she can defend herself if need be

[A.N.: Sorry for being so late, I've been busy with midterms. Hope you like it!]

Rat And Mouse

Tw: Yandere, kidnapping, manipulation, mentions of murder and torture.

Nobody knew about your connection to the Book.

It was something you’d never discussed - not with the agency, despite your loyalty to them; not even with Sigma, though he’d been born of its pages. You’d kept your head down, continuing to pretend that you were just another Agency member, just an ordinary person with a near-useless Ability. It was worth more than your life if anyone found out.

And yet somehow, Fyodor did.

You cowered before him as much as you could while tied to a chair. Though the room was cold, your skin was slick with sweat, hair hanging loose around your face. Your head was still a little fuzzy, but you were certain you’d been chloroformed in your apartment.

The man sitting before you smiled serenely, one leg crossed over the other.

“Be calm, dorogaya,” he said.

You grimaced. Your ability allowed you to feel other peoples’ emotions, yet you could sense nothing from him. Not anger, nor excitement, nothing.  It was as though he wasn’t a real person, but an empty doll with blank eyes and an unsettling smile.

It was unnatural, inhuman, and utterly terrifying.

“What do you want?” you said, trying to keep your voice from quavering.

Fyodor spread out his pale fingers. “Come now, I know they do not hire idiots at your Agency. Do you believe I do not know about your connection to the Book?”

Your heart leapt to your throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you said, trying to inject as much confusion as you could into your voice.

Fyodor smiled. “How disappointing.”

He stood up. You’d never seen Fyodor Dostoevsky in person before. In photos he’d seemed unimpressive – a pale, thin man with lanky hair and a tired expression. But what those pictures had failed to capture was the malice of his demeanour, the aura of darkness that hung around him. It was almost palpable, making your flesh crawl as he came closer.

“Please,” you said. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just an innocent—”

“—secretary? Forgive me, but I do not believe you.”

You tensed as he placed a hand upon your face, expecting blinding pain before the oblivion of death overtook you. But nothing happened. His hand was ice-cold, but nothing else.

“I said to be calm,” he murmured. “I am not looking to kill you.” To your horror and confusion, he ran his hand through your hair in an almost gentle caress. “You are very beautiful. I should have noticed a piece of such monumental importance earlier.”

“I-I-” you began, “I’m not ly-”

“Ah, please do not. Sigma has already told me everything, so there is no need for you to lie any further.”

No. A leaden weight dropped in your stomach. Sigma wouldn’t have - he couldn’t have! ‘But he could,’ a treacherous voice in your head reminded you, ‘his Ability allows him to extract information from people with a touch, remember?’

You looked up to meet Fyodor’s indifferent gaze. “You’re lying.”

He shrugged. “Believe what you wish, dorogaya,” he said.

Then he turned and left the room.

You exhaled, mind racing a mile a minute. Sigma wouldn’t have betrayed you, even if he did have the ability to do so. He hated Fyodor, and had no reason to work with him ever since the Vampire Incident. But then, the only other person who’d known your secret was your ex – actually your first, and only – boyfriend, whom you hadn’t seen in several years, and whom Fyodor had no reason to contact unless he’d already suspected you of hiding something. And the only thing which would give him cause was...

‘No,’ you firmly told yourself. ‘It wasn’t Sigma. He would never betray me like that! I trust him with my life. Fyodor must have found out... some other way.’

You shook your head vehemently to convince yourself. It didn’t matter much at the moment anyway. What was more important was the fact that Fyodor would use you to find the Book. Though you were its Guardian, you possessed no supernatural link to it, only the knowledge of its location. Something that he could draw from you through torture.

You looked around. It was a small room. There was no window, no clock, no way to gauge the time. Fyodor had tied you up rather cruelly; the rope binding your wrists had been looped around your neck, so that you were forced to keep your arms bent at an unnatural angle to avoid strangling yourself. Your eyes welled with tears as the full extent of your plight hit you. Fyodor was a madman, a cruel and barbaric terrorist no matter how mildly he acted. Your ability was useless, your fighting skills non-existent - how were you going to get out of this alive?

‘Its fine,’ you told yourself. ‘The Agency will know that I’m missing. They’ll find me. I just have to hold it out till then.’

Your arms were burning, sweat beating your brow, when Fyodor returned.

“Ah, my bird has kept herself on her toes,” he said, as mildly as though he’d caught you in some trivial task. “I am glad my arrangement was not beyond your capabilities.”

“What do you want?” you said through gritted teeth. “I’m not telling you where the Book is no matter how matter what you do, so just forget about it.”

“No? That is quite the bold claim. Are you not afraid that I will hurt you?”

“It doesn’t matter.” You swallowed. “No matter how much you t-torture me or whatever. I’m not telling you anything.”

Fyodor nodded, looking only mildly disappointed. “I admire your resilience.” He reached for your hair again, running his fingers through it to straighten it out. “There is a lot about you that is to… admire.”

His words sent a chill down your spine. Fyodor movements were gentle, almost tender – more suited to a lover than to a lunatic. You tried to pull your head out of reach, only for him to pause with a raised brow.

“You do not like it?” he said. “Apologies.”

He stepped away. You followed his movements nervously as he began fiddling with the things on the sideboard. “Tell me,” he began, as there was the clink of glass, followed by the sound of pouring liquid. “Determined as you are to keep the location of the Book from me – what makes you think I do not already know?”

“What?”

You started. Fyodor turned back to you, a full wine-glass in his hand.

“Would you like something to drink?” he said, proffering the glass to you.

“No,” you said distractedly, ignoring the dryness in your throat. “What do you mean, you already know? You know where the Book is?”

Fyodor slowly took a sip of the wine as he strolled over to you. That faint, awful smile danced upon his bloodless lips as he leaned closer. “Well, we have used a page from it before,” he said softly. “Did you not wonder where and how we got it?”

Your heart skipped a beat. Your position as Guardian meant that you knew the Book’s location, but you had no way of knowing if someone had removed it from its place. If Fyodor had somehow found it…

“Ah, I have agitated you. I am sorry for that.” He held out the glass to you once again. The wine smelled enticing; it was a deep red colour, almost the rich red of blood in the dim light. Yet your stomach roiled at the sight of it. Fyodor had the Book… if Fyodor had the Book, then the world was already as good as done for.

You met his soulless eyes, and dropped your gaze to the floor.

“You’re lying,” you said miserably, trying to think of what to do next. It was your worst nightmare; to be battling wits against one of the smartest terrorists in the world.

“Why would I lie?” Fyodor casually circled behind you, tracing a finger across the rope around your neck. You braced yourself yet again, imagining his finger slicing your throat.

“If you already had the Book, you wouldn’t need me,” you said, biting back the scream that threatened to erupt from your lips. “You’d already be halfway already to your next awful scheme.”

“Oh?” He ran his fingers along the base of your neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. “And what makes you think that you are not part of that scheme?”

‘It can’t be.’ Your heart drummed painfully against your ribs. The door before you seemed to dance, the shadows in the corners laughing at your misfortune. “You – I’m only as important as the Book. The only reason you could want me is because of the Book. There’s no other reason.”

“Before the vastness of God, everybody is insignificant. But for sinners such as us, there might be other reasons.”

Something simmered beneath your skin, a faint flicker of an emotion so dark, so twisted, it made you feel ill.

Desire.

Lust.

Obsession.

It disappeared in a flash, as though dragged back into the void.

“I will give you a chance to make your own decision,” Fyodor murmured from behind you. There was a soft swish, and the pressure on your neck and wrists slackened. You slowly pulled your hands to your lap, realizing what had happened.

“You’re letting me go?”

Fyodor stepped back into your field of vision. “I told you; I am giving you a chance to make your own decision.” He pointed at the door. “You wish to leave? Leave.”

You stared at him, alarm bells ringing in your head. “What are you planning? You’re planning something.”

He smiled that awful, soulless smile of his. “It would not do to reveal all of my secrets, yes? You must figure out some things for yourself.”

You looked from him to the door, then back. There was no point in arguing with him. Fyodor hadn’t become who he was by being honest or transparent. There wasn’t a chance in hell that this wasn’t part of some elaborate strategy – but this was also your only chance to escape.

You stood up slowly, joints stiff after the prolonged restraint. “I don’t – whatever you’re planning,” you began guardedly, as you began backing towards the door, “but you’d better drop it. I’m not so stupid as to lead you to the Book.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to be.”

“So—” You broke off as you bumped into the door. You were wasting time. Fyodor watched as you fumbled with the doorknob, making no attempts to stop you. His eyes – those empty, all-knowing eyes – chilled you to the bone. You looked away as you flung open the door, fleeing the room. There was a narrow corridor that led down a flight of stairs, but you barely paid your surroundings any heed in your desperation to leave. 

‘I have to get to the Agency,’ you thought. ‘I have to tell them about the Book. And I need to go check up on the Book, see if it is still safe. It has to be – I’d have known otherwise!’

But an awful thought hit you just as you reached the front door. What if Fyodor did have the Book?

“What is it?”

Fyodor spoke from behind you. You jumped; you hadn’t realized he’d caught up to you.

“Nothing.” You spun towards him, hand still gripping the door-knob. “I – stay away from me!”

He raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I have done nothing,” he said. “That door is unlocked; you are free to leave. Why do you not do so?”

“Because you brought me here!” Wrung by a sudden jolt of anxiety, you threw open the door. A blast of cold wind hit you; it was night, a chill wind howling through the trees. A snow-covered landscape surrounded you, a foreign horizon visible from the distance.

“Where are we?” you said with dread.

“Siberia.” Fyodor cocked his head. “I did bring you here. But even I can make mistakes sometimes, can I not? Or do you consider me incapable of fault?”

“No! But—” Your head spun. You hadn’t drunk the wine; you hadn’t ingested anything back in the room. Were you still suffering the aftereffects of having been drugged? Or had Fyodor done something to you?

“But you said that I was part of your scheme,” you said, rubbing your temple. “Don’t tell me you realized your mistake in the last five minutes. So it stands to reason that letting me go is part of your plan.”

“Is it? What if you’ve already told me what I need to know?”

“Because I haven’t told you anything!”

“Haven’t you?”

“I—” You ground your teeth. You didn’t know. You didn’t know what Fyodor wanted. But if he was simply done with you then he would have killed you, which meant that letting you go was part of his plan. He was either hoping for you to lead him to the Book, or he was somehow using you to get to the Agency. There was no way to tell unless you wrenched it out of him.

You looked at him, and felt yet again, that faint prickle of desire radiating off of him. He claimed to be a human… and humans were capable of more than just fault. They could hunger, for more than just food or water. They could desire, and be swayed by it.

“You… want me,” you said slowly.

Fyodor smiled. “The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil fight; and the battlefield is the heart of man.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Is it not obvious?”

It wasn’t. The only obvious thing was that he trying to trick you, to manipulate you somehow. Whether or not Fyodor was attracted to you – and the idea made you both want to laugh and scream – his main motive was the Book and the eventual destruction of the world.

‘I can’t stand against him,’ you thought. ‘If I try to foil him directly, he’d crush me. But if I stay close to him, I may be able to get a hint of his plans, enough to take down the Decay of Angels for good. I could just pretend that I’m f-falling for him or something. So long as I don’t reveal anything about the Book, it’ll be fine.’

It was a sickening thought. The very idea of staying close to Fyodor filled you with dread; pretending to be his lover was straight-up repulsive. And the longer you stayed with him, the more you were at his mercy.

But you were a member of the Agency. And you were a Guardian of the Book. And if that meant putting your life on the line, you were willing to do it.

You took a deep breath.

“You want me,” you said, fighting down the panic clawing in your chest. “That’s why you brought me here. And you’re letting me go because—?”

“I brought you here in a fit of passion, but it is obvious that you don’t want to be with me. And I do not want a woman to submit to me by force.”

“That’s considerate of you,” you said carefully. “But I hope it isn’t a lie. You really have no interest in the Book?”

His smile widened. “Even if I swear on my life that I am not lying, would you believe me?”

‘Fair point.’ “So if I walk away, you’d just let me go?”

Fyodor gestured towards the snow-covered woods in response.

You bit your lip. “And how far are we from the nearest airport? How am I to get home?”

“Are you really asking me that?” he said, raising a brow.

“I don’t fancy travelling through the snow at night by myself. Your guidance is as good as flailing around blind.”

He inclined his head. “True. Well, we are far from the nearest city, at least a couple of days on foot. In any case you would find it difficult to go home from there — you have no documents on you, after all.” He slyly cocked his head to the side. “My private transport will be here in a couple of weeks; you are welcome to stay with me until then.”

The revulsion deepened. But you forced yourself to nod politely. “Then… I guess I have no choice but to stay.”

“A difficult decision.”

“But—”

The words stuck in your throat. How could you talk about living with a murderous psychopath like him? How could you simply state your demands as though hashing out a deal with a roommate?

Fyodor stepped up to you, leaning to whisper in your ear. “Do not worry, dorogaya,’ he said softly, his breath tickling your ear. “I will not force you in any manner. Anything you do will be entirely by your own will.”

You shivered. His presence pressed upon you like a shroud. ‘This is just a game,’ you reminded yourself. ‘A game of cat and mouse. Just play along for a while and you can bury this guy.’

“Thank you,” you said out loud. “Could you please step aside?”

Fyodor pulled away. You threw a glance over your shoulder, at the stars twinkling in the night sky. Then, squaring your shoulders, you stepped into the Rat’s Lair.

[dingodad]

If troll blindness causes their eyes to be red, as

shown with Terezi and post scratch Aranea, then why

does Sollux’s eyes turn black when he goes blind?

Does he just lose his eyes completely? Did he ever

have eyeballs in the first place or does he just have

open sockets with red and blue energy. It kinda looks

like blind Sollux he just has empty eye sockets. Did

being hit in the head just destroy his eyes entirely,

whereas Terezi retained the actual structures of her

eyes? I know its the same with every blind psionic,

since hiveswap shows they have the same black

eyes as well. I’m not sure psionics have irises or

pupils either but I’m not sure that extends to all

goldbloods. I also can’t help but think of how

Cherubs eyes become black when they become

ghosts, though this is probably a coincidence, since

they aren’t blind. This is a bit of a weird question,

sorry about that lol

the ways terezi and sollux went blind are pretty crucially different. terezi's eyes were burnt, sollux... i guess i don't know? people say "head trauma" but when you actually look at the series of events it's clearly a blow to the torso which leads to some internal rupture, and that's what causes him to cough up blood. so i guess it's super up to interpretation? the only thing that makes sense to me is that it had something to do with having his optic blasts countered by a beam of pure angelic light. in which case maybe they were burnt?? i don't know if there's any dialogue that elucidates this matter any further.

this certainly isn't the first time i've heard it suggested that he is literally just missing his eyes, though i've never really seen any reason to believe this. like, wouldn't that idea be communicated more clearly if his sockets were the colour of his blood? (but i DID watch an x-files episode just last night where victims' eyes were burnt out of their sockets by an angel's countenance - so i guess there's actually cultural precedent for this??) considering sollux' eyes can flash different colours it seems like the only reason they were red and blue in the first place was because they were brimming with concussive energy, ala cyclops of the x-men, so it doesn't seem all that odd that they could just change colour in the event of a traumatic injury that also caused blindness. (sollux never uses his concussive blasts after this, so far as i can recall, but he DOES use his telekinesis, which starts to appear in black+white instead of red+blue... so i guess those are just two completely unrelated powers??? it's really unclear!!!)

you would THINK this is what they were trying to evoke by giving folykl black eyes and a similar psychic deficiency, but i haven't retained enough about any of the hiveswap trolls to know if she's even blind. poinko suggested she was before friendsim ever released and descriptions of her development imply that she was conceived of as being blind - and that this was maybe changed into a purely psychic disability as the concept was refined? - but nobody seems to have ever listed this on her wiki article so i've got genuinely no idea if this idea manifested itself in any of folykl's actual appearances. i mean, i wouldn't have guessed that she was born with no eyes, but i really don't know.

the cherub thing i've never even been able to figure out to begin with. it does feel totally plausible that it's connected to sollux' thing, since both sollux and the cherubs go through various phases of being either one soul in two bodies / two souls in one body...? but i would also be very willing to believe that dead calliope DOES just have a skull with no eyes, since the cherubs have always had glassy "window to the soul" doll-eyes and have been known on occasion to take their eyes out and replace them with something else.

so. this is a really good question. i just don't know if i have the answers for it LOL

[drpeppertummy]

truthfully my friends this isnt something im overly into or experienced in & as such i have Absolutely no idea if its any good or not. godspeed

[alien-esque parasite creature-in-stomach bordering-on-rapid-horror-preg situation, ends in hospital post-surgery bc you know id never let it explode him but the hospital isnt like a whole big thing, nobody has a good time in this but hes fine]

Val was beginning to wonder if eating at that sketchy restaurant in Hell had been a good idea.

Truthfully, he'd known it was a bad idea from the start. He hadn't liked the look of the place when his sister had brought him there, the service had been awful, the food had been worse, and he'd felt a little off ever since. That had been a few days ago, and he was back home now. It was always shockingly cold returning to the mortal world after visiting his family, but he was glad to be back in Connie's arms, even if it meant braving the chilly autumn air.

Exhausted from the busy week behind him, Val flopped down onto the bed. He was freshly showered and dressed in his pajamas, and very glad about it. Connie was taking her turn in the shower now. Sprawled out flat on his back, Val looked down at himself, and his brow furrowed. He hadn't felt quite right ever since visiting that restaurant, and he was still a little bloated. He laid his head back down on the pillow and rested his hands on his belly.

"Looks like your mom stuffed you like a turkey," Connie teased, standing in the doorway. "Does she think you're as skinny as I do?"

"Christ, does she," Val laughed.

"Maybe you oughtta visit more often, let her beef you up a little," she giggled, dropping herself onto the bed next to him.

"I don't think I could handle that," said Val. "You know everyone else in my family is like ten feet tall?" Connie laughed.

"And I bet they feed you like you are too, right?" She placed a hand on his rounded tummy and raised her eyebrows at how firm it felt. "Sheesh, you really feel stuffed."

"Tell you the truth, my sister dragged me out to some weird restaurant a couple days before I left. It was a mess, you never woulda gone in. Whatever I ate didn't sit right, I guess, my stomach's been a little funny ever since. I've spent the past few days feeling like I swallowed a bowling ball."

"Huh," said Connie, rubbing his belly. It gurgled uncomfortably under her hand. "Maybe you got, like, mild food poisoning or something."

"Maybe," he sighed. "Probably."

"Do you feel sick?"

"I don't know. Not quite. Just off. ADR, as they say at the vet. I mean, I definitely feel bloated, I can tell you that much."

"Believe me, you don't have to tell me," she chuckled, patting his belly. It didn't sound hollow, like it was filled with gas. Instead it sounded solid, like patting a rock, and it let out another sickly gurgle. Connie winced sympathetically.

Suddenly, Val sat up. Connie looked up at him, surprised. His face was difficult to read, but he seemed tense. Concerned, she sat up beside him.

"Val, what's the matter?" She placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't know," he said uncertainly, holding both hands against his tummy. He looked down, brow furrowed. Was he more bloated than before? His stomach felt tighter, and…strange, somehow. Almost as if something inside him was pulsing.

"Maybe you should go to urgent care or something," said Connie. She didn't like the look on his face, and she didn't like that he was still so bloated days after eating whatever he'd eaten.

"I can't go to urgent care. I'm not even human. They wouldn't know what to make of me even if I was feeling fine."

"Yeah, but…I don't know. I'm worried," she said, squeezing his shoulder. Now that he was sitting up, his belly looked even more distended than it had when he was laying, and it was oddly top-heavy, as though whatever was making it so swollen was stuck up in his stomach. She didn't like that at all.

Val couldn't disagree with her point of view. Still, he preferred to avoid letting people find out he wasn't human if he could help it. It was a dangerous secret to reveal, and there had been plenty of times where he'd nearly paid a heavy price for it. He didn't have much time to mull it over, though, because his thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a bizarre wave of pain in his stomach. He doubled over with a groan, clutching his belly.

"Val!" Connie grabbed his shoulders. Val remained frozen, trying to process what he'd just felt. It was pain, certainly, and pressure, but it almost felt like movement as well. Cautiously, he sat back upright, his breathing shallow and shaky.

"That's it, you're going to the hospital," she said, standing up. Val opened his mouth to protest when another surge of pain shot through him, and this time he definitely felt movement. He doubled over again, gaping like a fish as his belly pushed out against his hands.

Carefully, Connie pulled him to his feet, putting an arm around his waist to hold him steady, and hurried him out of the bedroom. As they walked, she felt something shift under her hand, and for a moment she froze, looking down at him.

"What the fuck was that?"

"I don't--I don't know," he choked out, desperately hugging his middle.

"Let's go," she urged, and practically dragged him out of the house.

Connie hastily put the directions into the GPS and was off like a flash before Val could even finish buckling up. His belly bulged conspicuously over the seatbelt, undeniably rounder than it had been earlier, and whatever was inside was growing restless. A moan of terror escaped him as he watched something move under the skin.

"Connie, I love you," he blurted out, his voice shaking.

"I love you too. Don't talk like you're gonne die. You're not gonna die." She reached out and grabbed his shoulder tightly before returning her hand to the wheel. Val thought she looked like she definitely thought he was going to die.

The pressure inside his stomach was unbelievable, and only seemed to be increasing as whatever was inside continued to move around and grow. It was growing fast now, and he could feel his stomach stretching and straining to contain it. He tried not to think about how far it could stretch before it burst.

"We're almost there," said Connie, trying to reassure herself just as much as him. She glanced over at him and was horrified to see his belly visibly squirming. Suddenly, his belly surged violently, and he let out a hoarse cry as the creature inside him began to thrash, pushing out hard against the walls of his stomach.

"Oh, god, please," he cried out, clutching his belly as his tightly-stretched skin was pulled tighter still. "Oh, please, god, no--"

Val woke up feeling like he'd been run through with a chainsaw. He wasn't sure where he was or what had happened, and he didn't have the strength to care. All he knew was that there was a horrible searing pain in his belly. As he regained consciousness, though, he began to recall the events of the night, and he looked down at himself. His belly was flat. Flat, and bandaged up. He let his head fall back onto the pillow with a sigh of relief.

The surgeon told him that he'd barely made it in time, and that they'd pulled something like a sucker-mouthed chupacabra out of his stomach, and that it was nearly the size of an infant, and that his wife had urged them to just not ask questions, and that after the procedure they were inclined to just roll with that, and that he'd have to stay in the hospital for at least a week. Val groggily accepted all of this information; the surgeon could've told him he'd grown a second head and he'd have nodded along. With his stomach intact, all he cared about now was seeing Connie.

EPILOGUE BECAUSE I CANT WRITE ENDINGS: It took one day for Val to win the hearts of all the nurses with his charm and only five for him to be released--for good behavior, he'd joked. Against all predictions, he recovered surprisingly quickly, although his tummy remained terribly sore for weeks; that was, of course, to be expected. He'd persuaded the hospital to let him ship the creature back to Hell for further evaluation. Astonishingly, they'd managed to get it out alive after sedating it right along with Val, and it had been nicknamed "Fluffy" by the frightened staff who were in charge of keeping it under observation. Fluffy, as it turned out, was a relatively common parasite found in undercooked lava cod, which was exactly what Val had eaten, although most of his fellow demons and devils were built sturdily enough that it wasn't much of a danger to them. Connie, who had been even more shaken up by the incident than her husband, received even more affection from him than usual in the following days. He felt awful for putting her through the experience--he'd expressed this, and she'd incredulously assured him that it wasn't his fault--and he made sure to bake her something special for taking care of him.

[crystaljellie]

An Analysis of My Scott Playlist

Big long post as promised <33 roughly 40 songs

I've Had Enough by Melina KB

This song in the context of double life is very interesting to me, but I also like to see it in Scott talking to Jimmy (Sorry flower husbands truthers I love soft and kind flower husbands too but we have all seen what happened in limited life they do have some slight issues)

"Cause you miss the way I let you walk all over me" | Again could work in both contexts, Scott never really went out of his way to stop Pearl from doing what she does with the powdered snow, sure he did retaliate but you can tell at some point he just gets used to it. And then in the context of Jimmy I'm thinking very especially about limited life flower husbands and Scott giving up time for Jimmy.

"I'm done with shutting up I've learned a lot better" | Maybe in this of Scott thinking he's learnt to stand up for himself? And I say think because I'm talking about how he thought he was in the right in double life (None of them were) It's also funny because he has the confidence so strongly in double life where he makes his feelings known and then it's just like... 'Oh yeah you can kill me!!' And I know it's part of his whole making everything fair thing, but still

"Admit you did it we all know you did it" | We all know you're the one who left me when you went to the nether, tormented me, screwed me over repeatedly. Both Pearl and Scott do not understand each others perspectives of the situation and villanize the other for it.

----

Washing Machine Heart by Mitski

"I know who you pretend I am" | Limited life Scott and Martyn, Martyn pretending he's serving his king again, Scott being alright with it because he knows Martyn is by his side for more than just that reason, and he's right Martyn is.

It's a pretty short analysis here but it's mainly I guess about Scott wanting allies and wanting to be loved by them but they always have someone else more important to them than he is

----

The Moon Will Sign by the Crane Wives

"All those empty rooms" | Something about Scott being alone after Jimmy died in 3rd life, empty rooms with no noise to fill them

"We made our peace with weariness and let it be" | The weariness oof being forced into death games over and over, the blood brings chaos the familiarity of death brings peace

"I shine only with the light you gave me" | OKAY NOW HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE You might be saying "But Scott was the one who lived longer in that relationship and is literally seen as the stars" But have you ever considered Jimmy was the one everyone loved more, jimmy was the one to make strong alliances, Jimmy was the one there was fuss over when he died. Scott was only able to be strong because he had Jimmy by his side and without that 'light' he was simply a tool of vengence

"Instead you hoarded all thats left of me" | In the sense that Jimmy unknowingly kept Scott's ability to love another other than him, and all his courage and faith in the world. Not that Jimmy was doing it on purpose but it still happened anyways

"I want to feel the fire that you kept from me" | NOBODY TALK TO ME THIS IS 100% SCOTT TALKING ABOUT RANCHERS. I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE RANCHERS AND HATE FLOWER HUSBANDS OR WHATEVER BUT YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS IS NOT SCOTT BEING BITTER THAT JIMMY GAVE MORE LOVE TO TANGO THAN HE EVER DID TO SCOTT. HE WANTED TO FEEL THAT FIRE OF A LOVE HE NEVER GOT TO KEEP

----

Two Slow Dancers by Mitski

Another double life-coded song

Very much Scott and Pearl

"And We've both done it all a hundred times before" | More so in reference to last life, they've played the death game before they know how it goes

"it would be a hundred times, easier if we were young again" | If they were young and still filled with faith, if Scott hadn't won last life and learnt the pain of winning and become bitter in the season following

"We get a few years and then it want's us back" | Not necessarily a few years but more so like the gaps between the games, a bit of freedom and then the watchers want them all at each others throats

----

Evelyn Evelyn by Evelyn Evelyn

Surprise surprise another Pearl and Scott one

"Why do we bother to stay? Why are you running away" | Scott and Pearl with their conflicting feelings at the start of double life, with Scott wondering why he should stay and Pearl not wanting him to leave her

"We grew up closer than most, closer than anything, closer than anything" | In either they grew up close in last life or their soulbound in double life, either way their fates are intertwined

"What if they find us? They're not looking anyways" and it's counter part line "I want to be famous, they're watching us anyways" | WATCHERS WATCHERS WATCHERS!! There's so much about this that just gives, hiding away from the watchers or giving into their whims

"At your side I feel like a ghost" | It can go either way in my mind, Pearl not feeling adequate enough to be seen and Scott feeling like she's killing him

"A parasite needs a host- I'm only trying to do what is best for us!" | because Pearl only wanted to help her soulmate, not that Scott didn't but he felt so betrayed and then it turned to a feeling of her leeching onto him

"You're always trying to be somebody else" | THIS!! Because Pearl wasn't acting like who she used to be and who Scott became friends with, she became 'somebody else' in an attempt to bring him back.

----

Little Soldiers by the Crane Wives

"Beneath the table you would offer up my bones And all the dogs would lick your fingers" | As in how Jimmy does things at Scott’s expense to get people to trust him or to get time and hearts and such

"And I dragged you through every room inside our home" | Scott struggling to get Jimmy to do anything with him anymore and feeling like the effort he puts in is not enough

----

November by Sparkbird

"Admit it, you were never going to get it I was always going to get it" | Can't explain why but this gives last life Scott killing Ren

"Maybe that's relevant somehow, can I explode now" | ....boom boom at the end of double life :3

----

Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives

"And I swear I didn't mean what I said" ...I live by the belief that Scott didn't actually mean to tell Pearl he was 'breaking up' with her, guys trust me it was the watchers. But also apart from that it could be anything

"Are we allies or enemies this will be the death of me" | Scott in secret life, not understanding what his teammates actually think of him

"All is fair in love and war but I can't fight with you anymore" | FLOWER HUSBANDS LIMITED LIFE GUYS!!

----

Canary in a coal mine

CANARY IN A COAL MINE IS SCOTT’S SONG NOT JIMMY’S I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

"Am I the only thing that keeps you safe when the light is gone?" | Scott being the only person to protect Jimmy in third life and protecting his memory even after he’s dead

"I’ll be worth more than all the silence left in my way" | The silence referring to how Jimmy doesn’t really interact or talk to Scott outside of third life, he is silent towards him, and Scott is hoping that he’ll be more than that to Jimmy if he tries hard enough

"I’ll sing you songs until the darkness does recede" | Scott calming Jimmy down when he needs it always being there to reassure him, keeping his hearts safe and him armoured in 3rd life

"Will you forget about your love for me?" | If Scott is no longer able to keep chasing after someone that won’t come back from him will that love that they once had in 3rd life be forgotten for good?

"And when you break the surface, oh, without me" | When Jimmy meets new people achieves new things and finally manages to break the curses all without Scott because no matter how much Scott tries Jimmy won’t let him help

"Please don’t return me to the dark of all the memories, yeah" | The dark actually being hope don’t give him any more hope that those memories could be recreated

"I will save you when your lights go out" | Scott is giving him time which continues to live being his breath, Scott’s love for him keeps him alive and that act of love is letting Jimmy kill him for time, saving him when he needs it most

This song is so so Scott coded most if not all the lyrics fit his perspective of things, the song is associated with Jimmy mainly because he is the Canary in the coal mine which sure fair enough but the lyrics themselves don’t fit his personality or his view of things, I guess some things could refer to how the winners and others have left him behind and he is weighed down by the curse but nothing else really fits him. 

----

Misery Meat by Sodikken

"You want a taste of my brain? Okay, it's yours anyway, A bite of my eye alright I won't put up a fight" | Scott giving his time away and hearts away for other people with little complaint

----

This is going to be part 1, and I will reblog this later with part two

[magdaclaire]

starshine, a poem about my girlfriend @legalespeon

to cait: you're my favorite. to everyone else: hope you enjoy.

transcript under the cut or in the alt text image descriptions.

signed,

m a morton

i told her once that meeting her was like turning the lights on

and i don't know if there's any better way to describe it 

how else can i say that it feels like she reached into me and pulled every good thing about me back into the light

reminded me that there's more to this house than the shadows and the gloom

the creaking staircases and drafty windows

that she spilled color back into the world

or maybe she just reminded me to look for it

she opened the front door and the handle didn't even stick

didn't even catch on the swollen door frame

storm damaged in more ways than one

nobody's ever done it like her

people have shouldered through the door and they've climbed through windows

they've left the first time they were denied entry, 

mistaken the hesitance for occupancy,

it didn't even hesitate for her 

like the door was made for her to walk through.

meeting her was flicking on a gas stove

tick, tick, tick, catch,

the potential was always there,

stored energy waiting to be sparked into a flame,

i've cooked more in the months since i met her than i had in the previous two years.

every day, we do the connections together

that new york times game, something i would have never gotten into without her

i only like doing wordle with her

i get bored otherwise,

too caught up in my head to even stay focused on a game you only get six tries to get right

so why do i feel so perfectionist about it anyway

but that's not the point.

the point is that things are more fun when i can hear the sound of her laugh

i've always hated looking at menus but it's fun when she's telling me all the things she wants to try

when she's looking at restaurants in my hometown and curious about the brussel sprout salad

(which, of course, i order)

we looked through the attraction pages of three zoos together

we've contemplated dates in my hometown

the place she used to live

the place she's moved to now

the city where i stay when i'm with my brother

every place i am, i want her to be

i wanna see my comfortable places through her bright eyes

see how my girl sheds starlight, pixie dust from her fingertips

her delighted laughter, her open excitement,

i want to take her to every nook and cranny of childhood i have left in this world

let her know the creature consigned to this body

how it has come to heel beneath her gaze

how deeply and embarrassingly and ardently she's been needed for longer than i've known her.

she worries she doesn't help me as much as i help her

as if that worry in itself isn't more care than any partner has ever treated me with

like there isn't care in every look she regards me with

as if i haven't slept better since meeting her than i have in years.

and it can be said,

hey man you met her in the same time as getting on some new meds, maybe correlation isn't causation?

the new antidepressant is called auvelity and it started working before i ever knew her name

gave me energy again and the ability to cry and i started cooking again

day by day wasn't a slog for the first time in years and i hadn't felt that good since high school

(as fucking terrible as high school was).

the whole world still dim like milky twilight, damp with humidity

the frogs and the crickets so loud (or maybe the walls so thin) that you can hear them standing in the center of the house.

the lights didn't turn on without her.

she wraps joy around me like a borrowed coat, sits me down in the living room and tells me about the future,

and for the first time, i can picture one with me in it

for the longest time that idea was so vague to me

the abstraction from self it took to imagine survival past day by day by unforgiving day

with her, i can imagine turning 25

26, 31, 45 

if she's there, i want to be there too

and that's a lot to put on someone's shoulders

and i cannot be one more burden in her Atlas sky hands.

she'd tell me that i am not burdening her but stepping shoulder to shoulder with her, bearing the weight together

or she would tell me that i'm one of the reasons that all this tension is worth carrying

or she'd tell me that she's tired,

that she'd like to let go of the world and lay down with me,

and i would grab her hand and smile,

say fuck the world, come home with me

and in this imagining within an imagining

i picture how carefully she would set down the sky,

like placing a child back onto their feet

and how this is how she does everything,

with so much care it makes your chest ache

makes your eyes hurt

starlight girl supernova bright in my mind's eye,

my heartbeat catching on the lines of her smile.

sometimes, she and i sit looking at each other through cameras and phones and hundreds of miles

and i feel closer to her than any lover to ever touch my skin

there was an ocean between us and still that was true

four hours time difference we still found a way

i don't know what to do with a partner that actually thinks i'm worth the effort.

pushed out to sea by every moment i'm not with her,

pulled back in by the tide of her breathing,

my starlight girl moon in the sky,

and i the wrong kind of cosmonaut but enamored anyway,

there's not a way i can imagine this where i don't want to follow where she goes.

she's got one of those gaming computers with lights where lights truly do not have to be

it's colorful and whimsical and i'm sure that there's functional purpose

i want to build her the world with my own two hands but i imagine a computer like that might be easier

circuits and wires and logic and programming and ducks, from what i hear

i've never been for going about things the easy way anyway.

that's the scariest thing sometimes,

how easy things are with her

i'm used to loving folks like pulling teeth from my own mouth

service comes easy to me, gifts i can make,

but expressing love aloud has never been easier than when i'm pushing it past her lips

pouring love into her with lip and teeth and tongue

whisper her my love affair fire with smoke passed between our mouths

she breathes me in and i am taken in,

perfect and peaceful.

i'll never stop wondering why

she chose me but i'll choose her back every day if she'll let me

my sunshine, my north star

everything i need.

once, i told her that talking to her helps,

but I think I'll miss her til I have her in my hands, and every time she's not after that too

she says to me you say the most romantic shit sometimes,

asks me if she's supposed to  be normal about it,

as if making her feel that way isn't the goal of my every sentence;

letting her know how special she is through words alone is impossible

but sometimes I get close.

sometimes i think she can feel just how badly I need her,

split seconds of oh, you love me flash of recognition on her face

as if loving her wasn't what I was made for,

as if the sound of her laugh isn't music to me,

as if I don't hang off her every story time run-on sentence,

her unique ability to circumnavigate her point so much that it's like she's telling ten stories at once,

I love that about her.

I love the way she needs me to know every single detail and every single reason and how she knows him and how they know them,

how she invites me into the house of her soul just as easily as the door opened to her,

I love how much she trusts me.

I love trusting her just as much.

my good morning texts to her always start the same way

good morning, starshine! the sun says hello!

a bastardization misremembrance of something my mother quoted to me as a child that tastes like home on my tongue,

the home I provide to her will always live more on love than anything else,

and as well as I can, I won't let her be lonely in the home we share.

I was a lonely kid, in a way

in the textbook for the psychology class I took the semester before I met her

there was a small definition of what autism is, which began with

autism is a disorder characterized by extreme aloneness,

the goal here to be able to communicate exactly how much people like me live in our heads more than our homes,

open door and song birds singing,

and i don't think i've ever looked into a two way mirror and saw myself so profoundly as in that simple sentence,

that deep well of loneliness bubbling within me so suddenly.

i've never liked learning new things in public

it takes me time to adjust to information, to incorporate things

i can play a good game when it comes to the gambit of conversation

adapt as quickly as i can and keep quiet while things slide into place in my mind

i've never met someone more understanding of the oddities in me than she is

never been able to ask for the space she gives me naturally

slow but not far

an arms length intimacy that we close the distance of when we're both ready,

i wonder if she loves figuring me out as much as i love the vice versa,

standing in that push and pull of learning every single thing about her,

letting the ocean tide bite at my ankles just for the pleasure of standing in the sea spray,

i've always loved the water but never like this.

my love for her ocean vast and trench deep,

i have no idea how to end a poem about her

i'll spend the rest of my life with her

and i still don't think i'll ever be able to properly form the words,

tell her exactly how much she means,

how much i need her.

so instead, i'll prop the door open

write her poem after poem after poem of hello i love you,

good morning, i love you

how did you sleep, i love you

did you get something to eat, i love you

drink some more water, i love you

let me take care of you, i love you,

and i will take her hand and i will give her the keys, say

this house is yours now

i know you'll treat it well.

[opinated-user]

Something I've been thinking about a lot is when Lily doxxed poppys email. She supposedly did it because, based entirely off of Courtney's word at the time (which lily is constantly claiming is untrustworthy and nobody should listen to them), Poppy was sharing Courtney's nudes, right?

It just feels like Lily was trying to make a big claim to Courtney. "Nobody is allowed to abuse/blackmail/be sexually involved with this person but me". She couldn't help herself and in doing so completely contradicted everything she's been saying up to that point.

Its so disgusting. Because if Courney was such an untrustworthy source, why the fuck would Lily give ANY claim Courney made the time of day? But suddenly for that single moment she must be telling the truth? Like, why the fuck would that be the only instance of Courtney telling the truth, according to Lily?

If you ask me, we got a little peek into Lily's real self at that moment: A possessive, obsessive monster who can't help herself when trying to lay claim to her sister. She knows Courtney is telling the truth. She's known this whole time, and she gets a sick thrill out of being possessive and "protecting her sister."

it was worse than that, anon.

what actually happened is that Courtney had already cut contact with P because of a violation to it's consent. then an anon (some random anon, we could never fully confirm who they were, although i have a vague idea) came out of the woodworks to tell everyone that P had shown Courtney's nudes during a drunken discord call while going through their DMs. the same copypasted message was send to me and all other blogs at the same time. for the record, Courtney never said they believed that to have happened. mostly because, again, it was just one single anon who said that and nobody else came out to confirm it. there was no screenshot, no recording, nothing. even now, after everything went down and every questionable action of P was being called into question, nobody has ever said this was a thing that happened.

LO just went along with the word of a complete stranger that she had no reason to trust at all, that she had no way to know who they were, with zero evidence, and dropped the work email of a trans woman with the hope that someone would harass her through that angle. a trans woman that, at that point in time, nobody knew how much of a sex pest she truly was. according to what Courtney had said, LO was bragging about having the doxxing information of P on her server for a while now. back when all P was for LO was one of her critics who made videos on her. i really need you to understand how truly unhinged LO was about P and entirely for the wrong reasons.

i never believed that LO doing that ever came from a selfless place and neither did anyone else who knew a little bit about the situation..

[wanderingmind867]

Ranking the Twelve Olympians (plus Hades and Hestia):

Ones I like:

Hermes: Hermes is a good guy. God of travellers and merchants and stuff. I kind of feel bad for him. The other gods have him run ragged. But he's a nice guy. I think it says something the Hermes cabin accepted all the unclaimed kids. Hermes was always there for those with nobody else to turn to. And if that isn't kindness and generosity personified, I don't know what is.

Apollo: From what I've read in the Titan's Curse, Apollo is one of the nicer gods. He's pretty kind to everyone, his poetry is bad but sincere (in fact, I didn't hate his poetry at all), Apollo is great. Better than his sister by a mile.

Dionysus: I'm not a drinker (I can't stand alcohol) but Dionysus isn't a bad guy. He's apathetic at Camp Half-blood, sure. But I'd be apathetic too if I had to spend 100 years around a bunch of immature brats. Kids can be awful, man. If I were at Camp, I'd be friends with Dionysus and Chiron. They're like teachers. And as I've always known: I tend to get along better with teachers than with other students.

Hephaestus: I'm not someone who likes to do work with my hands (I think even trying to work in a forge would go disastrously for me). But I like Hephaestus. He seems like a pretty good guy.

Hestia: The neglected Oldest child of Kronos and Rhea. Hestia is sweet, because she's content with her lot in life. She's just fine being ignored. Having a bunch of siblings more famous than you can sometimes make you bitter and jealous, but not Hestia. Hestia is just happy for them. And just happy to be included whenever she is included, I assume. The goddess of family and home and hearth, Hestia is truly worthy of praise.

Demeter: Goddess of Agriculture and food and stuff. I'm not a farmer or anything, but I can admire a lady who provides us with things like bread and grain.

Poseidon: Being that I have family from Newfoundland (even though I've never been), plus the fact that I love water and baths and stuff, one might argue I'm biased towards Poseidon. And maybe to some degree I am. I've never been on a boat and I don't like the beach. But I love baths and seafood and stuff. So I have nothing against Poseidon. He doesn't seem like that bad of a guy.

Ones I have complicated feelings on:

Zeus: Zeus is the king of Olympus. He's the greatest of all the gods, and it's to him we owe the heavens above. That being said, he does have a reputation for being temperamental (I believe) and for being a philanderer. So Zeus might not be the best god, but I think he's still worthy of our respect.

Aphrodite: I know Aphrodite can be vengeful and vindictive sometimes, but she can also represent one of the emotions we all feel. Love. Whether it be platonic, romantic or whatever, love is beautiful. So I can't hate Aphrodite completely. Besides, she's the oldest olympian. That's pretty cool.

Hades: Only reason Hades is here is because of the afterlife. I'm glad there is one, I just hate Asphodel and the Fields of Torment.

Athena: I like Athena because she's the goddess of wisdom and knowledge, and because her symbols are great (I love owls and olives). But she's also a goddess of war, and I hate war. War is never acceptable. Still, Athena isn't as bad as, say, Ares when it comes to warfare. At least she's got some other stuff going for her.

Ones I dislike:

Hera: Hera has an important role (I will acknowledge that), but she's still not very nice. Of the six kids Kronos and Rhea had, Hera is the worst. She's judgy to the point of excessive cruelty. She pushed Hephaestus off Olympus because he's ugly. And sure, she hates her husband because he cheats. But has anyone ever wondered why Zeus cheats? Because he's a philanderer, yes. But probably also because Hera is an awful wife. She's probably judging him constantly.

Artemis: Artemis is kind of misandrist. She hates anyone that isn't female, she loves turning people into animals, she sucks.

Ares: Ares may not be the worst god/titan/etc, but he represents a concept that I think we all hate. No war is good and just, war is always hell. Hard to respect the God of War when you hate war. Especially with how Rick Riordan writes him.

[alice-blogs-things]

Finished the first of my commissioned fics! This is a short (just over 1k) Campal one-shot for @jennyandvastraflint

Title: Don’t Remember That Rush Of Joy

Fandom: The Locked Tomb

Characters: Camilla Hect, Palamedes Sextus, mentions of Dulcinea Septimus

Relationship: Camilla Hect/ Palamedes Sextus

Word count: 1047

Rating: G

Summary: Palamedes wants to practice kissing with his best friend. Camilla has a lot of feelings about it. Surely this won't affect their friendship at all...

Warnings: None

Like what I do? Consider buying me a coffee here (You can also request a short drabble, and I'll see what I can do!)

(Fic can be found under the cut!)

It was a rare day that the Master Warden of the Sixth House or his cavalier primary truly succeeded in surprising each other. Normally, they simply knew each other too well for anything to come as a genuine shock. But this day, when they were both fifteen, sitting in Palamedes’s quarters and occupied with their own studies, proved to be one such occasion.

“Can I kiss you?” Palamedes asked.

“Can you. What?” Cam blinked, genuinely taken aback.

“Kiss you. I mean, I'm realising I've never actually done that before, with anyone, and, you know, Dulcie probably has, and, you know…”

Of course, Cam thought. Of course this is about Dulcie, who else would it be about? The idea of Dulcie had occupied them both for the last seven years. It was the reason they held the positions they currently did. And the last year or two especially, something had shifted for Palamedes, in terms of how he saw Dulcie. A shift that did not appear to be reciprocal.

“You don't know that,” she said.

It was the least of what she wanted to say. You don’t know she’d ever even want to kiss you, even if the opportunity were to present itself, she wanted to say. This isn’t a fair thing to ask me to do, to pretend to be her. But even as she thought that, she knew that she would do it anyway. She knew that she would do anything for him, she’d always known that.

“I guess not, but even so, it couldn’t hurt. And if I was gonna kiss someone for the first time, I’d rather it was someone like you, someone I trust.”

Someone you trust, she thought. Not someone you like, or someone you actually think is attractive. She knew Palamedes well enough to know that he didn’t intend any of this to be hurtful. On the contrary, she knew that it was all meant to be a compliment. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know how she felt, the extent of the feelings that kept her at his side. It was a good thing he didn’t, of course, if he knew… Well, she didn’t know what would happen, but it would, at the very least, be really embarrassing if her one-sided crush on her best friend came to said best friend’s attention.

“Okay, I guess I can’t argue with that,” she replied. “D’you want to do it just now, or…”

”I guess so, at least we’re alone in here, nobody’s gonna find out. It can just stay between us.”

Again, Cam knew that wasn’t intended to hurt. Practically speaking, if anyone found out they were doing this, especially if they knew it was Palamedes’s idea, they would consider it a violation of the vows they took just two years ago. They could lose everything, just for their curiosity. But even knowing all that, she couldn’t help feeling a little… uneasy, like he was ashamed of wanting to kiss her.

“Okay,” she said, giving none of her more complicated feelings away. She was good at that, she always had been.

They sat side by side on the double bed. Neither of them had ever told anyone else, but they had gotten into a habit of sharing the bed, neither wanting to be too far from the other. It didn’t mean anything, of course, just like this kiss wouldn’t mean anything.

This position had the advantage of making their growing height difference less of an issue, as well. For the last couple months or so, Palamedes had started to grow tall very quickly, and now he was taller than Cam, and didn’t seem to be stopping. It wasn’t so bad like this, though, even sitting as close as they were.

Cam turned to face him. Her mouth was about level with his jaw, and the thought of kissing him there briefly entered her mind. But no, she had to focus on the task at hand. One kiss, get it over with.

“Should I take my glasses off?” Palamedes asked.

Cam considered this for a moment, before reaching over and gently propping his glasses in his unruly dark hair. Then, before she could overthink it any further, she leaned in, and pressed her lips softly to his. Almost as soon as she did so, she realised she may have made a mistake.

The kiss was like a campfire, licking warmth from the place where their lips met. It was like nothing she’d ever felt, and she wanted more of it, wanted to feel that heat every day for the rest of her life. Palamedes had a hand in her hair, and was kissing her back, and she was torn between wanting to know what he was thinking, and being scared in case he was pretending to be kissing Dulcie.

It felt like an eternity passed before they finally broke apart. They sat staring at each other, and for once, Cam felt the eventual break in eye contact to be a loss, rather than a gain. Her face still burned, and she had no idea what to do now. They should never do that again. They should never do anything else besides that.

She stood up, and started pacing the floor, hoping that would clear her head. Motion was usually good for that, but right now it didn’t seem to be doing much to help. Just about the only thing she could think of that might help would be kissing Palamedes again, but she didn’t know if that would be allowed.

“Cam,” he said, after a few minutes. “Cam, are you okay?”

“Of course, Warden,” she replied. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just… I hope this hasn’t made anything weird between us, I guess?”

”I don’t see why it would, it’s not like it means anything. It was just a kiss.”

She almost believed herself, as she said it. But inside, she knew differently. She knew that this had changed things between them. She knew she was not the only one who’d felt that fire, and she knew she wasn’t the only one who wouldn’t be satisfied with only feeling it once. There was no going back to before that kiss, and there wasn’t much use in pretending otherwise.

[bonnieisaway]

man idk if this was more blatant and I've just been slow as hell to analyzing Redtooth but giving up the blood demon really is his worst nightmare isn't it. I mean he took it in cause he was weak, he made the deal he did because he wanted power, and then ironically enough Huilian sealed that power as best she could to limit it.

But he was required to forsake the Heaven Lily kung fu and everything else to take the blood demon, and he was already seen as fairly weak when he was learning it. If he gets rid of it he really has nothing left, and he's weaker than he ever has been before. I mean he only really found Huilian again for the first time so he could remove the seal she put because he wanted more power and wasn't strong enough. I mean he claimed Seven could've never hurt him without the seal, pretty much his only driving motives during the series have been to murder people for various reasons and get the seal removed. And the seal was to protect him. How insult that has to be from his perspective, calling him weak enough to not handle himself.

And he really does idolize the leader a lot it seems. Sorry btw this entire post is gonna be an unholy ramble about his general character (again). He has such an allegiance to the leader, who I imagine has to be one of the definitions of power in Xuanwu. Three active and alive Shadow Killers reacted to Green Phoenix's movements, but Shimen seems to only be there because Manjusaka is, and Manjusaka seems to only be there because she can one, fuck with Thirteen, and two, for just the fuck of it. Nobody really comments about why or anything, except Redtooth: who wants Green Phoenix's head on a fucking stick. I mean, he constantly says "-that traitor," and Green Phoenix most often manipulates him bringing up the rules the leader has in place. And it's not just about the fact he almost killed Redtooth, because aside from the fact he constantly says "that traitor" and not "that son of a bitch who tried to fucking murder me and frame it on a dude who fucking cuts hair for fun", he critizes White Fox for not also thinking about Green Phoenix. The Shadow Killers hardly seem to give an inch of a fuck about each other, so why would that matter to White Fox? I mean White Fox hardly gave a lick of a fuck the man was still alive. Like, White Fox hadn't known yet about what happened, sure, but these fuckheads hardly get along so goddamn much that expecting White Fox to go White Knight for the leader with no reward involved feels out of left field, because they only went for Seven again for personal vendettas or the reward. Shimen and Manjusaka had orders to go for Green Phoenix, and Redtooth had spite that ran so deep not about the kill but the inherent betrayal that he almost expected White Fox to react too. Fuckin, what does it matter? He's the strongest motherfucker around and no one threw a hissy fit when we all wanted Seven's head on a fucking spit. Redtooth is so insanely loyal to the leader. Which might've also caused his hatred for Seven, again, imagine losing the entire life you wanted and sacrificing everything to become the most feared motherfucker, pulling up to become a shadow killer, and then bro walks in with a fifteen year old who's never killed anyone before, bro would have lost his damn mind, but just. I kinda lost my point I feel like I've repeated it nine times but Redtooth sure is a leader dickrider and I wanna know why because aint nobody else in the league gives THAT much of a fuck

[distantlaughter]

"Poker always works"

by Christian Von Hocke, originally written 24 July 2009 for Zeit Online (x)

Formula 1 pro Nico Rosberg talks in an interview about his life as a globetrotter, exotic food and his preferences for other sports.

Question: Mr. Rosberg, like right now in Budapest, you're on the road all year round with Formula 1 around the world. Don't you sometimes get homesick?

Nico Rosberg: I've had nine hotels in four weeks, which is exhausting. But homesick? No. I really enjoy traveling, it's very educational and very interesting. That's what I would also do in my free time: get to know new countries, discover new people, the way they live.

Question: So you've turned a hobby into a profession right alongside driving.

Rosberg: Yes, there are many places in the world that I would like to see and that excite me. I'm also planning a big trip during the winter break. I'm interested in India, for example, with its spirituality, or South America, Patagonia, a safari in South Africa. Even just hiking. That's not something I would normally do, but it's good for the body's regeneration. There's so much I can do, I'm just afraid that I'll take on too much and it will end up being too stressful.

Question: Michael Schumacher has regretted that he never saw anything of the Grand Prix venues apart from the airport and the track. Do you also explore the cities where you race?

Rosberg: Yes, especially at the overseas races. I have a bit more time there because we always arrive a bit earlier due to the time change. But even so, there's always the Saturday evening before or the Monday after the race. We have great races in interesting cities like Melbourne or Singapore or Shanghai.

Question: And what do you do there?

Rosberg: I go into town. I have a nice meal in a restaurant or go out for a drink or shopping in the evening, or I go to the beach and go surfing. Or I look at the special features of the city. I'm also very interested in photography and always have my big camera with me.

Question: But traveling can also be quite stressful. Can you sleep on the plane?

Rosberg: No, very badly. I have to lie horizontally and need rest so that I can concentrate on falling asleep, otherwise it doesn't work. For that reason alone, I have to fly business class. That's not a problem in Europe, where I always have my camper van to take me to the tracks.

Question: There are 17 Formula 1 races in 2009 alone. Have you ever woken up and not known which city you were in?

Rosberg: Not that, but I was once at the airport at check-in, and the woman asked me: Where are you flying to? And I didn't know. I'd been to four or five different countries that week, I was tired and unfocused, and I just couldn't think of it. She looked at me like I was stupid (laughs).

Question: Do you sometimes wish you had an office job from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., where you could throw your coat over the hook and stretch your legs in front of the TV when you're done working?

Rosberg: No. Whether it's a nine-to-five job or a Formula 1 racing driver isn't that important. I don't know if it would make anyone else happier if they led my life. My friends all have nine-to-five jobs, and they're no less happy than I am. It's always what you make of it that matters.

Question: But you also need a bit of home, don't you? Many people always have their music player with them to simulate a feeling of home wherever they go.

Rosberg: I'm not a music fan. I got an iPod as a gift, but I haven't really used it yet. For me, it's the cell phone. It connects me with friends and family. That's cool, I can also use it to go on the Internet. When I don't have it with me, I feel very naked. Like today, I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Question: Anyone who travels so much must have acquaintances all over the world.

Rosberg: That's true - wherever I go in the world, there are my best friends. I know them either through racing or from the past. I grew up in Monaco, and nobody stays there. Today, my old friends are everywhere, in Australia, China, America or South Africa. I can call them up and ask if we want to have a drink.

Question: Can you maintain hobbies while traveling?

Rosberg: I like to play football, but I rarely do that when I'm traveling. Poker is always on. I'm not very proud of it, actually it's nonsense to sit in front of a computer and play poker. But it's fun. Otherwise: eating. Does that count? I already see it as a hobby, I love to eat for my life, delicacies, creative, new things, especially country-related. I was in Marrakech with my girlfriend the other day, they have gigantic food there.

Question: In your travels, do you notice how places in the world change from year to year, and not just in terms of cuisine?

Rosberg: Yes. My parents have a country house in Aix-en-Provence. At first it was quite isolated, but now it's become a huge settlement with an industrial area.

Question: Let's be honest: What is your least favorite place in the world?

Rosberg: Kuala Lumpur. We're always just sitting around at the airport there (laughs).