#i feel like my traditional art process is fucking insane

[chess-draws]

reuploading this, but now with a timelapse because i thought it'd be fun

[taldigi]

Other aspects of shadow chie design driving me insane in de gud vey:

Her gloves are covered in blood, both the one holding yukiko (because she feels her possessiveness is a kind of violent) and more prominently the hand holding the lead (guilt for the violence she’s conducted at others but held at arms length both literally and figuratively (the gloves and the lead both serving as distancing herself from the guilt), it’s not really her hands and she’s not really in control so her hands aren’t really covered in blood — even though they also are because even she knows both of those aren’t really true. She’s the guard dog but she also the master of the guard dog and yukiko is just another puppet for that)

The tag on her ear (she isn’t better than everyone else just because she’s the guard dog and the butcher. She’s also a piece of meat to be processed for slaughter and sale, because under her paradigm everyone is — she just happens to be also the guard dog for now. What happens when a younger, better dog comes along?)

Also I would like to hear why you chose to make shadow chie’s cognitive yukiko look like she’s been drawn for butchering. I know I motioned to a reason why but I’m spitballing ideas here and I love your dissection if the art just like the rest of your art

Chie's the prince who saves the princess, but she is also the dragon who protects her from other princes. Yukiko is her treasure, too precious to tear into- yet Yukiko is the most delicious, prime A5 wagyu amongst lesser scraps of prince meat. Meat she'll decimate and burn to keep her beloved treasure safe. But she wants her, so fucking badly.

But if she hurts Yukiko, her treasure, she'll never forgive herself. So she's forcing herself to be content to chitter her teeth and salivate.

Wagyu is a uniquely Japanese breed of cattle, too- world renown for it's quality and deliciousness, and who's often praised as a "traditional Japanese beauty"

Just my train of thought.

Anyway, have a Butcher Vanity remix, the worlds most Shadow!Yukichie song ever

glad the cattle tag was noticed too. Chie's viciously jealous of Yukiko too, after all ;3

[maxe-murderer]

so uh, tssm band au i guess

might eventually do the rest of the designs but i doubt im gonna do anything with this au aside from some art and daydreaming

thank you @voltrixz for the continued fueling of my brain rot

ramblings abt the au under the cut

ok so sandmans lead guitar, shocker is rhythm guitar and also electric banjo when the vibe fits and vocals (baritone/tenor range), electro plays bass (can play guitar but mains bass) and vocals (baritone with particularly good low growly notes), vulture gets the keys and can sing but doesn't do much aside from some backup here and there for the whole group (baritone/tenor but like, softer, good falsetto), rhinos drums and vocals (bass), and ock gets the mother fucking theremin he does also swap out for keys tho (but he's mostly a classical piano type)

their style is very all over the place but stick mostly to rock and similar feeling genres. each song tends to feel a bit more like one persons style in particular. they swap around vocals depending on the vibe with the more growly, heavy metal, screaming type vocals going to electro and rhino while shocker and vulture are more traditional ig with their singing. ock does most the composing and vulture majority of the lyric writing. they're in a constant state of breaking up, getting back together, and rearranging members

spider-band! ok so peter of guitar and vocals (tenor, he's the front man), gwen on drums and vocals (mezzo-soprano), and harry plays keys (cause cmon no way he wasn't required to take piano lessons or smth) and will do some backup vocals but like he's not a singer and he knows it. mj joins later on and plays bass, she joins in on the backup vocals (alto) when with the band but does have an insane voice, she does do plenty of solo work tho.

mysterio plays like, everything. but is most known for playing the electric violin cause cmon its a fuckin electric violin that shits cool. high baritone tenor (just like, imagine the phantom ok that was my only thought process with this decision). he did try to go into acting but for as great as he is with everyone on tech he's a little shit to work with if he's onstage and too cheesy for most directors. fucking ate as carlos in a production of legally blonde once tho. he works a lot with chameleon (somehow manages to do great hair, makeup, and costuming) and tinkerers some sorta techie but my tech experience is all theater and i know jack about instruments and shit

black cat imma say is an alto (listen i was an alto for a long while before i became a tenor) and like, i think poppy is a good point of reference for some of the vibes im getting for her. and in general a mix of like, sultry seductive type songs and straight up heavy metal.

ok sandman and rhino were/are obviously a duo, shocker does his own solo stuff and is a part of the enforcers (its straight up country),

literally no fucking clue for kraven. ok i think this is everything i thought of. if you read all of this thank you lmao

ok its 1am and i got shit to do tmrrw love yall talk to me abt this show at any time pls

[adellovesrowan]

YOU CANT JUST POST BANGER ART AND NOT EXPECT US TO WANT A DETAILED ANALYSIS OF THEIR LORE, CHARACTER ARCS AND STORYLINES (jk jk no pressure obv and this is all lighthearted but i'd LOVE to hear you out on the death is life au)

GJFKGJSKFJMD ANON THATS SO SWEET ��🥺 <333

ok well. permission to ramble just a bit JDHDKJS

in case anyones new or couldnt tell, the characters here are rowan (they/them pls !) and adel (my mc, she/her)

both grew up very lonely. adel had no one back home but herself, and rowan had a huge family who all collectively look down on them. these two found each other and suddenly the world feels a little lighter and brighter. theyr inseparable

adel grew up not knowing about the genetical curse she has from her (dead) mother, called the suanggi. its a spiritual parasite that is acquired by a ritual, and unfortunately it passes genetically. its a parasite because the curse works by touching the target and absorbing the magic in them for yourself, rendering them weak and helpless. like a vampire for a wizard's magic.

the khannas have this tradition for their firstborn babies, where a tree from their tree farm "calls" for the firstborn baby, like a wand calling for their owner, and that tree shall later provide wood for the firstborn's wand and also be their name.

the rowan tree that called for rowan happens to contain magic so strong that unusual sparks of magic formed when baby rowan touched the wood. rowan wands are known for its accurate protection magic, and exclusively wielded by good-hearted protectors. just like how rowan protected their friends :)

rowan has always been there for adel, but slowly adel starts drifting away. and rowan misses her so much that it hurts. its like a limb being slowly torn away from their body. one night in a forest grove, rowan took a bullet for adel and her friends and died to save them. the magic from the rowan tree prevented rowan from completely dying, but they are also not completely alive. a ghost, if you will.

adel was absolutely destroyed. like i can write pages about her grief but basically her world will never be the same anymore. she leaves the forest, not knowing that rowan has been trying to talk to her. but she cant hear them from the other side of this plane of existence. they have nowhere else to go.

rowans glowing tree branch looking scars are thanks to the magic of the rowan tree. but as rowan died, so did the rowan tree back in the khanna farms. one of the khannas saw the tree rapidly dying and losing its magic, and no one knew what it meant except for rowans grandmother, who needed time to process such an early death of her own.

adel later finds her brother who she longed for. she fought and sacrificed so much to find him, if only to find a sense of normalcy and love by bringing him back. but her brother forced out the curse in her and attempted to kill her. by hugging her. which is fucked up and it drives me insane bc thats the one thing adel has longed for for years and once she gets it she will die bc of it

but her unstable suanggi allows the magic to fuck up the absorbtion, causing her brother to die instead via magic explosion from absorbing too much of the same suanggi magic. hence the blood splattes in adels piece. adels once again left completely alone in this world. she has nowhere else to go.

rowan could not leave the tree they died beside. for a year or so, theyve just been roaming the forest grove all alone, hoping for company. but ever since their death, no students were allowed to go to that area, once again leaving them a lonely spirit in this world.

until their spirit sensed a great loss that they cant understand. it pulls them down to the ground as they hurt and wail, haunting the forest with their cries of grief.

hearing rowans cries, adel immediately flew to the forest grove, a place she actively avoided ever since that night. rowan immediately sensed adels presence, and adel (no longer mortal) could finally see them. upon seeing each other again, both realise they do have somewhere to go.

no one knows what happened to adel, as she was kidnapped by r and the whole thing happened. and no one knew how adel basically died that night. search parties were sent out, but no one knows that she remains in the deeper parts of the forbidden forest with her partner, both mourned over but are quite alive together.

bonus:

as a ghost, rowan cant touch anything. which saddens them a lot when they tried to hold a feather quill that went straight through them. they will heavily miss writing and reading and feeling adels arms and hugs and. a lot of things

but being with adel helps them. not just emotionally but also bc adels presence as a suanggi attracts the magic in the forest and it comes gathering around their little hut like a fog. and being around such thick magic helps rowan slowly regain a more tangible form.

its been a few years since they both reunited, and rowan never stopped practicing and hoping they can finally hold this quill. sometimes they get upset and frustrated, but adels always there to help them calm down.

one day, rowan got to feel adels warmth again.

[no-goal-7538]

i really truly intensely from the core of my being hate my father & that's not even about me myself it's just that he's that vindication, conniving & just horrible. I don't think there'll be many men thriving in society as rotten as he is. we'll I've heard, seen the situations of indian households in similar states but maybe my father is just one level ahead. he doesn't just assault physically but so much more mentally he takes hold of your mental space and systematically & vindicatively torture the person, a torture in a domestic setting feels worse than the likes of guantanamo bay, I mean it seems like a overstatement but trust me it's not. does he consciously have a systematic process for it? ofc I think not but that makes it even more dangerous I mean how can a man by its very nature without conscious effort be such? when I see situations like these I feel that the left has merit the woke liberals shouting mindlessly like goons have some merit. at the very least there's sanity nowhere, at least the insane isn't hidden over the left under tradition, culture & structure.

he's slowly and meticulously chipping away at my sanity it's almost admirable as an artist to see such a work of art however vile & toxic the subject/content/action maybe. also it's hurting my whole resolve to change myself, change everything! let's see how that goes, both independently & in relation to this fucked up situation. the only outlet of me getting insane I could come up with was posting consistent rants on tumblr maybe it'll lighten my mind a bit.

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

----------

The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[llatimeria]

here's my personal interpretations for contrast

Flies:

largely associated with the cycle of death and rebirth

you cannot kill me in a way that matters type of symbol. even if a body dies it continues to live through the process of decay and rot

in a tongue in cheek way you could associate them with agility for how famously difficult they are to swat but it's dumb that we reflexively try to swat flies no matter the situation or context

Wasps:

associated with motherhood, family bonds, and protection (they got that right)

gentler than they're made out to be

they can cause fear and/or pain, but a wasp's anger is almost always righteous and valiant

direct action

Moths:

idk, I actually don't get a lot of significance from moths personally. they're just kind of... around

I see where they're going with the astrology associations but recent studies have suggested the reason why moths (and flying bugs in general) swarm around artificial lights is not because they think it's the moon/stars, but because light physically hijacks their abilities to orient themselves. imagine if looking at a lamp made your inner ear fluids start doing loop-de-loops and you suddenly became unable to tell which way was up. it sounds more nauseating and miserable than poetic when put like that

Ants:

literally What the hell are they talking about? why would ants "obstruct" financial success or job performance? they're literally one of the most hardworking species on the planet and I feel like that should serve as inspiration to succeed, not symbolize a barrier to success.

and travel??? ants are famous for building one really big elaborate house and and basically living their entire lives in it. they don't... *not* travel, like drones and queens will fly pretty big distances to mate with each other and establish new colonies, but I don't think that would make them *the* bug to symbolize travel. if anything that should be migratory bugs like monarch butterflies, since they have one of the most insane batshit migratory traditions in the animal world. ants should symbolize putting down roots and building a home where you belong.

Ladybugs:

like I said earlier, ladybugs are vicious carnivores. they eat a lot of plant pests, like aphids and scale bugs, which is great if you're a farmer growing the plants, but can really suck if you're a farmer growing the aphids. some species of ants tend to aphids the way humans care for livestock bc the ants like the honeydew that aphids produce, so sometimes a ladybug killing an aphid can be a bit like a wolf or a cougar hunting a domestic sheep or dairy cow.

on the other hand though, they are excellent natural pesticides for human farmers who are trying to grow the plants, which is great because chemical pesticides almost invariably suck

on the other other hand a lot of the ladybugs you find in the states these days are invasive species that are fucking things up for the environment, so. uh.

they're also mostly poisonous. the cute red color with black and white spots is aposematic, basically a warning to predators that This Bug Is Narsty Do Not Eat. it sure looks cute to us humans who love little round red things, but. like. they aren't doing that for our enjoyment.

anyways the point is I'd interpret them as toxic hazards. almost like the way this person sees wasps

Spiders:

this isn't the point but why is this the only non-insect on here

anyways. spiders have a worldwide association with weaving and fiber arts for a reason. because they do that. sometimes. except when they don't. but I'll take it at face value that this person is specifically referring to orbweavers or cobweb weavers ig

again if a spider is causing you fear, that's your problem, not the spider's

personally I'd associate them with patience more than anything else. keep doing what you do best (making webs) and good things (tasty bugs) will come to you. cast your net wide so you have the best chance of stumbling into something good. stuff like that

probably one of the things that bugs me the most about animal symbolism in magic/witchcraft is that barely any of it is based on the animal's actual role in the ecosystem. all magic is interpretive, symbolism varies a bit for everyone, but like. some of these people are very bad at interpreting critically. take this image I found on Pinterest for example

Basically all of this is based on like, extremely shallow pop cultural knowledge of these bugs, and not anything they actually do. the ladybug especially being described as "innocence", "good luck", and associated with "love spells" is kind of taking me out. I'm sorry Sandra but ladybugs are voratious carnivores. I know they're cute. but they are bug sized wolves.

[chronicastrolog]

11H reflections

okay. well here it is. that's me; in the red. you're probably wondering how I got here -

lmfao jk. anyway, I just finished my 11th house profection year and I was going to start writing about my 12H year, but I deadass just started it yesterday and feel like I'm better off reflecting rn than predicting.

I have a taurus 11h, meaning my timelord for the year was Venus. my 11h has Saturn & Jupiter in it, so the things I'm gonna be focusing on to aid in my reflections are the conditions of Venus, Saturn, and Jupiter in my chart, along with the aspects + house affairs.

(for those learning, I'll come back to this and link keywords with related posts)

the condition of my Venus is rough, and even tho I have my own debates on it, astrologically it's not in the best place lol. my Venus is in the third house, debilitated in virgo, squaring pluto, trining mars, trining Saturn, and sextiling my ascendant. (pretty bitches stand up)

my Saturn is in the 11th house, in taurus, squaring Uranus, trining my Venus, and sextiling my ascendant.

and my Jupiter is finding planetary joy in the 11th house, in taurus, squaring Neptune, trining mars, and opposing my sun.

throughout this entire year, I met multiple people in profection years with Venus as their timelords. the vast majority, actually. I spent an insane amount of time and money addressing my appearance, changing my look, and finally accepting what aesthetics are most important to me and my presentation. I came out with my gender, broke up with my partners, and started renting an art studio. I started processing sexual violence and trauma, and got a personal trainer. I lost a fuck ton of friends and relationships, and while that's a Venusian affair in and of itself, the 11h as the house of friends means this was already gonna be addressed in some way. I did get new friends though and reconnected with many of my old ones. I gained many new clients, swung intensely between having a lot of money and none at all, and was given an artist and activist grant that someone nominated me for right before the closing of this profection year. this entire year, love, beauty, aesthetics, money, friends, community, and work, have been themes for me. Venus showed up and showed out as my timelord, and pluto came with her all the challenges and lessons of a square. mars was right there adding rigor, energy, and even aggression sometimes with the ease and consistency of a trine. Saturn was present the entire time, rewarding me and pushing me and revealing himself.

on the topic of Saturn, I found that in every thing I just mentioned, I kept running into lessons and messages on consistency, hard work, and justice. I really had to confront my relationship to time and I started to think about elders and authority in my life. I was drawn to traditions and because the 11h is also about dreams and wishes, I found myself being asked to wish and dream with determination. very Saturnian shit; the trine Saturn makes to my timelord and its occupancy in profection house made him a huge presence in my life, and I began Saturn devotion in ways I've never considered before. I had a run in with my dad who I hadn't spoken to in years. I met up with him in Puerto Rico, where I'm from, and found that an interesting location to meet my dad (Saturn) in my place of origin (sextile ascendant). I felt a lot of pressure and dedication to my own leadership and particularly to any community efforts. it was incredibly depressing many times, and felt really dark, but there was always a small light that I know Saturn wanted me to work to pursue, and Jupiter was always there just asking me to believe, and maintain faith.

and that was probably the biggest lesson I learned this year, from the biggest planet in the sky - faith, belief, and trust. throughout every financial drought, I had to trust something would come back to me. through every breakup and friendship ending, I had to believe it was for the best and that better would come. when my community felt too small, and I felt like I had worked too hard already for its growth, I had to just have faith that expansion booms when the time is right. I felt spiritually deprived, diluted, and jaded for many moments, and then found myself quickly being called to believe anyway, and the act of believing itself would frequently move mountains for me. I learned how to see faith as an action (mars trine), and to dream anyway, even when it's hard or I feel confused and unsure (square Neptune). I really had to confront how much I don't believe in myself, and even more than that, how much I'm losing by not taking a chance on myself every time I can (opposing sun).

this year was difficult for me in ways I can't really get into because it simply doesn't compare to how generative, restorative, and progressive it was. I've been feeling stuck for a long time, and even though I'm in the same place, in the same body, still waiting on and working towards a lot of changes I want to see, I feel equipped for those things now and more excited, more hopeful, and more alive for it. it was a transformative setup for what I think is about to be a whole new year of chaos, brought to me by my scorpio mercury. I think the 11h is for wishing and hoping for the things that the 12h can start dreaming and manifesting.

[xoruffitup]

Annette: The AD Devotee Review

So I saw Annette on its premiere night in Cannes and I’m still trying to process and make sense of those 2.5 hours of utter insanity. I have no idea where to begin and this is likely going to become an unholy length by the time I’m finished, so I apologize in advance. But BOY I’ve got a lot to parse through!!

Let’s start here: Adam’s made plenty of weird movies. The Dead Don’t Die? The Man Who Killed Don Quixote? There are definitely Terry Gilliam-esque elements of the unapologetically absurd and fantastical in Annette, but NOTHING comes close to this film. To put it bluntly, nothing I write in this post can prepare you for the eccentric phantasmagoria you’re about to sit through.

While the melodies conveying the story – at times lovely and haunting, at times whimsical, occasionally blunt and simple – add a unique sense of the surreal, the fact that it’s all presented in song somehow supplies the medium for this bizarre concoction of disparate elements and outlandish storytelling to all coalesce into a single genre-defying, disbelief-suspending whole. That’s certainly not to say there weren’t a few times when I quietly chortled to myself and mouthed “what the fuck” from behind my mask when things took an exceeding turn to the outrageous. This movie needs to be permitted a bit of leeway in terms of quality judgments, and traditional indicators certainly won’t apply. I would say part of its appeal (and ultimately its success) stems from its lack of interest in appealing to traditional arbiters of film structure and viewing experience. The movie lingers in studies of discomfiture (I’ll return to this theme); it presents all its absurdities with brazen pride rather than temperance; and its end is abrupt and utterly jarring. Yet somehow, at the end of it, I realized I’d been white-knuckling that rollercoaster ride the whole way through and loved every last twist and turn.

A note on the structure of this post before I dive in: I’ve written out a synopsis of the whole film (for those spoiler-hungry people) and stashed it down at the bottom of this post, so no one trying to avoid spoilers has to scroll through. If you want to read, go ahead and skip down to that before reading the discussion/analysis. If I have to reference a specific plot point, I’ll label it “Spoiler #___” and those who don’t mind being spoiled can check the correlating numbers in my synopsis to see which part I’m referencing. Otherwise, my discussion will be spoiler-free! I do detail certain individual scenes, but hid anything that would give away key developments and/or the ending.

To start, I’ll cut to what I’m sure many of you are here for: THE MUSICAL SEX SCENES. You want detailed descriptions? Well let’s fucking go because these scenes have been living in my head rent-free!!

The first (yes, there are two. Idk whether to thank Mr. Carax or suggest he get his sanity checked??) happens towards the end of “We Love Each Other So Much.” Henry carries Ann to the bed with her feet dangling several inches off the floor while she has her arms wrapped around his shoulders. (I maybe whimpered a tiny bit.) As they continue to sing, you first see Ann spread on her back on the bed, panting a little BUT STILL SINGING while Henry’s head is down between her thighs. The camera angle is from above Ann’s head, so you can clearly see down her body and exactly what’s going on. He lifts his head to croon a line, then puts his mouth right back to work. 

And THEN they fuck – still fucking singing! They’re on their sides with Henry behind her, and yes there is visible thrusting. Yes, the thrusting definitely picks up speed and force as the song reaches its crescendo. Yes, it was indeed EXTREMELY sensual once you got over the initial shock of what you’re watching. Ann kept her breasts covered with her own hands while Henry went down on her, but now his hands are covering them and kneading while they’re fucking and just….. It’s a hard, blazing hot R rating. I also remember his giant hand coming up to turn her head so he can kiss her and ladkjfaskfjlskfj. Bring your smelling salts. I don’t recommend sitting between two older ladies while you’re watching – KINDA RUINED THE BLATANT, SMOKING HOT ADAM PORN FOR ME. Good god, choose your viewing buddy wisely!

The second scene comes sort of out of nowhere – I can’t actually recall which song it was during, but it pops up while Ann is pregnant. Henry is again eating her out and there’s not as much overt singing this time, but he has his giant hands splayed over her pregnant belly while he’s going to town and whew, WHEW TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONING PLEASE. DID THE THEATER INCREASE IN TEMPERATURE BY 10 DEGREES, YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT DID.

Whew. I think you’ll be better primed to ~enjoy~ those scenes when you know they’re coming, otherwise it’s just so shocking that by the time you’ve processed “Look at Adam eating pussy with reckless abandon” it’s halfway over already. God speed, my fellow rats, it’s truly something to witness!!

Okay. Right. Ahem. Moving right on along….

I’ll kick off this discussion with the formal structure of the film. It’s honestly impossible to classify. I have the questionable fortune of having been taken to many a strange avant-garde operas and art exhibitions by my parents when I was younger, and the strongest parallel I found to this movie was melodramatic opera stagings full of flamboyant flourishes, austere set pieces, and prolonged numbers where the characters wallow at length in their respective miseries. This movie has all the elevated drama, spectacle, and self-aggrandizement belonging to any self-professed rock opera. Think psychedelic rock opera films a la The Who’s Tommy, Hair, Phantom of the Paradise, and hell, even Rocky Horror. Yes, this film really is THAT weird.

But Annette is also in large part a vibrant, absurdist performance piece. The film is intriguingly book-ended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character; and your own role blurs between passive viewer and interactive audience. The first scene has the cast walking through the streets of LA (I think?), singing “So May We Start?” directly to the camera in a self-aware prologue, smashing the fourth wall from the beginning and setting up the audience to play a direct role in the viewing experience. Though the cast then disburse and take up their respective roles, the sense of being directly performed to is reinforced throughout the film. This continues most concretely through Henry’s multiple stand-up comedy performances.

Though he performs to an audience in the film rather than directly to live viewers, these scenes are so lengthy, vulgar, and excessive that his solo performance act becomes an integral part of defining his character and conveying his arc as the film progresses. These scenes start to make the film itself feel like a one-man show. The whole shtick of Henry McHenry’s “Ape of God” show is its perverse irreverence and swaggering machismo. Over the span of what must be a five minute plus scene, Henry hacks up phlegm, pretends to choke himself with his microphone cord, prances across the stage with his bathrobe flapping about, simulates being shot, sprinkles many a misanthropic, charmless monologues in between, and ends by throwing off his robe and mooning the audience before he leaves the stage. (Yes, you see Adam’s ass within the film’s first twenty minutes, and we’re just warming up from there.) His one-man performances demonstrate his egocentrism, penchant for lowbrow and often offensive humor, and the fact that this character has thus far profited from indulging in and acting out his base vulgarities.

While never demonstrating any abundance of good taste, his shows teeter firmly towards the grotesque and unsanctionable as his marriage and mental health deteriorate. This is what I’m referring to when I described the film as a study in discomfiture. As he deteriorates, the later iterations of his stand-up show become utterly unsettling and at times revolting. The film could show mercy and stop at one to two minutes of his more deranged antics, but instead subjects you to a protracted display of just how insane this man might possibly be. In Adam’s hands, these excessive, indulgent performance scenes take on disturbing but intriguing ambiguity, as you again wonder where the performance ends and the real man begins. When Henry confesses to a crime during his show and launces into an elaborate, passionate reenactment on stage, you shift uncomfortably in your seat wondering how much of it might just be true. Wondering just how much of an animal this man truly is.

Watching this film as an Adam fan, these scenes are unparalleled displays of his range and prowess. He’s in turns amusing and revolting; intolerable and pathetic; but always, always riveting. I couldn’t help thinking to myself that for the casual, non Adam-obsessed viewer, the effect of these scenes might stop at crass and unappealing. But in terms of the sheer range and power of acting on display? These scenes are a damn marvel. Through these scenes alone, his performance largely imbues the film with its wild, primal, and vaguely menacing atmosphere.

His stand-up scenes were, to me, some of the most intense of the film – sometimes downright difficult to endure. But they’re only a microcosm of the R A N G E he exhibits throughout the film’s entirety. Let’s talk about how he’s animalistic, menacing, and genuinely unsettling to watch (Leos Carax described him as “feline” at some point, and I 100% see it); and then with a mere subtle twitch of his expression, sheen of his eyes, or slump of his shoulders, he’s suddenly a lost, broken thing.  

Henry McHenry is truly to be reviled. Twitter might as well spare their breath and announce he’s already cancelled. He towers above the rest of the cast with intimidating, predatory physicality; he is prone to indulgence in his vices; and he constantly seems at risk of releasing some wild, uncontrollable madness lingering just beneath his surface. But as we all well know, Adam has an unerring talent for lending pathos to even the most objectively condemnable characters.

In a repeated refrain during his first comedy show, the audience keeps asking him, “Why did you become a comedian?” He dodges the question or gives sarcastic answers, until finally circling back to the true answer later in the film. It was something to the effect of: “To disarm people. It’s the only way I can tell the truth without it killing me.” Even for all their sick spectacle, there are also moments in his stand-up shows of disarming vulnerability and (seeming) honesty. In a similar moment of personal exposition, he confesses his temptation and “sympathy for the abyss.” (This phrase is hands down my favorite of the film.) He repeatedly refers to his struggle against “the abyss” and, at the same time, his perceived helplessness against it. “There’s so little I can do, there’s so little I can do,” he sings repeatedly throughout the film - usually just after doing something horrific.

Had he been played by anyone else, the first full look of him warming up before his show - hopping in place and punching the air like some wannabe boxer, interspersing puffs of his cigarette with chowing down on a banana – would have been enough for me to swear him off. His archetype is something of a cliché at this point – a brusque, boorish man who can’t stomach or preserve the love of others due to his own self-loathing. There were multiple points when it was only Adam’s face beneath the character that kept my heart cracked open to him. But sure enough, he wedged his fingers into that tiny crack and pried it wide open. The film’s final few scenes show him at his chin-wobbling best as he crumbles apart in small, mournful subtleties.

(General, semi-spoiler ahead as to the tone of the film’s ending – skip this paragraph if you’d rather avoid.) For a film that professes not to take itself very seriously (how else am I supposed to interpret the freaky puppet baby?), it delivers a harsh, unforgiving ending to its main character. And sure enough, despite how much I might have wanted to distance myself and believe it was only what he deserved, I found myself right there with him, sharing his pain. It is solely testament to Adam’s tireless dedication to breathing both gritty realism and stubborn beauty into his characters that Henry sank a hook into some piece of my sympathy.

Not only does Adam have to be the only actor capable of imbuing Henry with humanity despite his manifold wrongs, he also has to be the only actor capable of the wide-ranging transformations demanded of the role. He starts the movie with long hair and his full refrigerator brick house physique. His physicality and size are actively leveraged to engender a sense of disquiet and unpredictability through his presence. He appears in turns tormented and tormentor. There were moments when I found myself thinking of Conan the Barbarian, simply because his physical presence radiates such wild, primal energy (especially next to tiny, dainty Marion and especially with that long hair). Cannot emphasize enough: The raw sex appeal is off the goddamn charts and had me – a veteran fangirl of 3+ years - shook to my damn core.

The film’s progression then ages him – his hair cut shorter and his face and physique gradually becoming more gaunt. By the film’s end, he has facial prosthetics to make him seem even more stark and borderline sickly – a mirror of his growing internal torment. From a muscular, swaggering powerhouse, he pales and shrinks to a shell of a man, unraveling as his face becomes nearly deformed by time and guilt. He is in turns beautiful and grotesque; sensual and repulsive. I know of no other actor whose face (and its accompanying capacity for expressiveness) could lend itself to such stunning versatility.

Quick note here that he was given a reddish-brown birthmark on the right side of his face for this film?? It becomes more prominent once his hair is shorter in the film’s second half. I’m guessing it was Leos’ idea to make his face even more distinctive and riveting? If so, joke’s on you, Mr. Carax, because we’re always riveted. ☺

I mentioned way up at the beginning that the film is bookended by two scenes where the lines blur between actor and character, and between reality and performance. This comes full circle at the film’s end, with Henry’s final spoken words (this doesn’t give any plot away but skip to the next paragraph if you would rather avoid!) being “Stop watching me.” That’s it. The show is over. He has told his last joke, played out his final act, and now he’s done living his life as a source of cheap, unprincipled laughs and thrills for spectators. The curtain closes with a resounding silence.

Now, I definitely won’t have a section where I talk (of course) about the Ben Solo parallels. He’s haunted by an “abyss” aka darkness inside of him? Bad things happened when he finally gave in and stared into that darkness he knew lived within him? As a result of those tragedies, (SPOILER – Skip to next paragraph to avoid) he then finds himself alone and with no one to love or be loved by? NO I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT AT ALL, I’M JUST FINE HERE UNDER MY MOUNTAINS OF TISSUES.

Let’s talk about the music! The film definitely clocks in closer to a rock opera than musical, because almost the entire thing is conveyed through ongoing song, rather than self-contained musical numbers appearing here and there. This actually helps the film’s continuity and pacing, by keeping the characters perpetually in this suspended state of absurdity, always propelled along by some beat or melody. Whenever the film seems on the precipice of tipping all the way into the bleak and dark, the next whimsical tune kicks in to reel us all blessedly back. For example, after (SPOILER #1) happens, there’s a hard cut to the bright police station where several officers gather around Henry, bopping about and chattering on the beat “Questions! We have a few questions!”

Adam integrates his singing into his performance in such a way that it seems organic. I realized after the film that I never consciously considered the quality of his singing along the way. For all that I talked about the film maintaining the atmosphere of a fourth wall-defying performance piece, Adam’s singing is so fully immersed in the embodiment of his character that you almost forget he’s singing. Rather, this is simply how Henry McHenry exists. His stand-up scenes are the only ones in the film that do frequently transition back and forth between speaking and singing, but it’s seamlessly par for the course in Henry’s bizarre, dour show. He breaks into his standard “Now laugh!” number with uninterrupted sarcasm and contempt. There were certainly a few soft, poignant moments when his voice warbled in a tender vibrato you couldn’t help noticing – but otherwise, the singing was simply an extension of that full-body persona he manages to convey with such apparent ease and naturalism.

On the music itself: I’ll admit that the brief clip of “We Love Each Other So Much” we got a few weeks ago made me a tad nervous. It seemed so cheesy and ridiculous? But okay, you really can’t take anything from this movie out of context. Otherwise it is, indeed, utterly ridiculous. Not that none of it is ever ridiculous in context either, but I’m giving you assurances right now that it WORKS. Once you’re in the flow of constant singing and weirdness abound, the songs sweep you right along. Some of the songs lack a distinctive hook or melody and are moreso rhythmic vehicles for storytelling, but it’s now a day later and I still have three of the songs circulating pleasantly in my head. “We Love Each Other So Much” was actually the stand out for me and is now my favorite of the soundtrack. It’s reprised a few times later in the film, growing increasingly melancholy each time it is echoed, and it hits your heart a bit harder each time. The final song sung during (SPOILER #2), though without a distinctive melody to lodge in my head, undoubtedly left me far more moved than a spoken version of this scene would have. Adam’s singing is so painfully desperate and earnest here, and he takes the medium fully under his command.

Finally, it does have to be said that parts of this film veer fully towards the ridiculous and laughable. The initial baby version of the Annette puppet-doll was nothing short of horrifying to me. Annette gets more center-stage screen time in the film’s second half, which gives itself over to a few special effects sequences which look to be flying out at you straight from 2000 Windows Movie Maker. The scariest part is that it all seems intentional. The quality special effects appear when necessary (along with some unusual and captivating time lapse shots), which means the film’s most outrageous moments are fully in line with its guiding spirit. Its extravagant self-indulgence nearly borders on camp.

...And with that, I’ve covered the majority of the frantic notes I took for further reflection immediately after viewing. It’s now been a few days, and I’m looking forward to rewatching this movie when I can hopefully take it in a bit more fully. This time, I won’t just be struggling to keep up with the madness on screen. My concluding thoughts at this point: Is it my favorite Adam movie? Certainly not. Is it the most unforgettable? Aside from my holy text, The Last Jedi, likely yes. It really is the sort of thing you have to see twice to even believe it. And all in all, I say again that Adam truly carried this movie, and he fully inhabits even its highest, most ludicrous aspirations. He’s downright abhorrent in this film, and that’s exactly what makes him such a fucking legend.

I plan to make a separate post in the coming days about my experience at Cannes and the Annette red carpet, since a few people have asked! I can’t even express how damn good it feels to be globetrotting for Adam-related experiences again. <3

Thanks so much for reading! Feel free to ask me any further questions at all here or on Twitter! :)

*SYNOPSIS INCLUDED BELOW. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF AVOIDING SPOILERS!*

Synopsis: Comedian Henry McHenry and opera singer Ann Defrasnoux are both at the pinnacle of their respective success when they fall in love and marry. The marriage is happy and passionate for a time, leading to the birth of their (puppet) daughter, Annette. But tabloids and much of the world believe the crude, brutish Henry is a poor match for refined, idolized Ann. Ann and Henry themselves both begin to feel that something is amiss – Henry gradually losing his touch for his comedy craft, claiming that being in love is making him ill. He repeatedly and sardonically references how Ann’s opera career involves her “singing and dying” every night, to the point that he sees visions of her “dead” body on the stage. Meanwhile, Ann has a nightmare of multiple women accusing Henry of abusive and violent behavior towards them, and she begins growing wary in his presence. (He never acts abusively towards her, unless you count that scene when he tickles her feet and licks her toes while she’s telling him to stop??? Yeah I know, WILD.)

The growing sense of unease, that they’re both teetering on the brink of disaster, culminates in the most deranged of Henry’s stand-up comedy performances, when he gives a vivid reenactment of killing his wife by “tickling her to death.” The performance is so maudlin and unsettling that you wonder whether he’s not making it up at all, and the audience strongly rebukes him. (This is the “What is your problem?!” scene with tiddies out. The full version includes Adam storming across the stage, furiously singing/yelling, “What the FUCK is your problem?!”) But when Henry arrives home that night, drunk and raucous, Ann and Annette are both unharmed.

The couple take a trip on their boat, bringing Annette with them. The boat gets caught in a storm, and Henry drunkenly insists that he and Ann waltz in the storm. She protests that it’s too dangerous and begs him to see sense. (SPOILER #1) The boat lurches when Henry spins her, and Ann falls overboard to her death. Henry rescues Annette from the sinking boat and rows them both to shore. He promptly falls unconscious, and a ghost of Ann appears, proclaiming her intention to haunt Henry through Annette. Annette (still a toddler at this point and yes, still a wooden puppet) then develops a miraculous gift for singing, and Henry decides to take her on tour with performances around the world. He enlists the help of his “conductor friend,” who had been Ann’s accompanist and secretly had an affair with her before she met Henry.

Henry slides further into drunken debauchery as the tour progresses, while the Conductor looks after Annette and the two grow close. Once the tour concludes, the Conductor suggests to Henry that Annette might be his own daughter – revealing his prior affair with Ann. Terrified by the idea of anyone finding out and the possibility of losing his daughter, Henry drowns the Conductor in the pool behind his and Ann’s house. Annette sees the whole thing happen from her bedroom window.

Henry plans one last show for Annette, to be held in a massive stadium at the equivalent of the Super Bowl. But when Annette takes the stage, she refuses to sing. Instead, she speaks and accuses Henry of murder. (“Daddy kills people,” are the actual words – not that that was creepy to hear as this puppet’s first spoken words or anything.)

Henry stands trial, during which he sees an apparition of Ann from when they first met. They sing their regret that they can’t return to the happiness they once shared, until the apparition is replaced by Ann’s vengeful spirit, who promises to haunt Henry in prison. After his sentencing (it’s not clear what the sentence was, but Henry definitely isn’t going free), Annette is brought to see him once in prison. Speaking fully for the first time, she declares she can’t forgive her parents for using her: Henry for exploiting her voice for profit and Ann for presumably using her to take vengeance on Henry. (Yes, this is why she was an inanimate doll moving on strings up to this point – there was some meaning in that strange, strange artistic choice. She was the puppet of her parents’ respective egotisms.) The puppet of Annette is abruptly replaced by a real girl in this scene, finally enabling two-sided interaction and a long-missed genuine connection between her and Henry, which made this quite the emotional catharsis. (SPOILER #2) It concludes with Annette still unwilling to forgive or forget what her parents have done, and swearing never to sing again. She says Henry now has “no one to love.” He appeals, “Can’t I love you, Annette?” She replies, “No, not really.” Henry embraces her one last time before a guard takes her away and Henry is left alone.

…..Yes, that is the end. It left me with major emotional whiplash, after the whole film up to this point kept pulling itself back from the total bleak and dark by starting up a new toe-tapping, mildly silly tune every few minutes. But this last scene instead ends on a brutal note of harsh, unforgiving silence.

BUT! Make sure you stick around through the credits, when you see the cast walking through a forest together. (This is counterpart to the film’s opening, when you see the cast walking through LA singing “So May We Start?” directly to the audience) Definitely pay attention to catch Adam chasing/playing with the little girl actress who plays Annette! That imparts a much nicer feeling to leave the theater with. :’)

[dzpenumbra]

11/6/22

I'm not as high as I've been getting tonight. Not that that's a problem... just an observation. Today has been... non-traditional. I made a new friend, which is pretty awesome. Got to talk life and common hobbies and learn about astrology and reconnect with poetry. It was just a really nice day all around.

It's really hard to convey to others the massive change in energy flow throughout my day when there are other humans involved. That sounds so fucking hippy-like to say, but like... even if you're not into spiritualism, I'm talking about like... ATP. Like potential energy, like you drink coffee to give you energy, you run out of energy you feel tired, you sleep and eat to recharge energy, that energy. We all talk about it, every day, so maybe we can be a little less eye-rolly when people say "you're throwing off my energy, man." Because we can all relate. There are some people that charge you up, there are some that get charged up by you, there are some that drain you, there are some that get drained by you. It's just kinda how things work, and it's insanely complicated and I don't wanna pretend I know the first thing about it, but we all know you can really feel it when you're around someone who charges you up. Who inspires you. Who gets excited with you, and gets you excited. It's something that I gravitate towards and I cherish the moments they are present, even if they can sometimes be fleeting.

But having been in isolation so long, I've had a few false starts with things like this. My grumpy self-doubt side comes along and goes... yeah... give it a few months, they'll get pissed off about something about you. And he can just fuck off for a while. I think we all have that side, and yeah, he might have some evidence from experiences with other people. But I try really hard to give everyone a fair chance based on their merits, based on their choices and their intentions. So if I really want the world to try not to judge me, I need to make sure my judgement is a reaction as well, not preemptive.

So my day was kind of a whirlwind. Kinda... just swept by. I wandered all over the house today. While exchanging messages, I sanded some new stones. I worked on a piece of petrified wood, some blue mineral that needs to be shaped a bit and a softer black stone that smells like a bit like it has sulfur in it - I just tried looking it up and couldn't find out what it is. The black one is pretty much cleaned up and done.

I made some food and moved into the studio, I brought my hoodie but I didn't keep the attention span enough to work on it tonight. I read a bunch of cool excerpts from books that were sent to me, I looked up the hours of the Michael's closest to me - like a 30 minute drive one-way. I saw they have Instacart, I was very tempted to say fuck it and get shit delivered. Art/craft stores are like... my fucking shit. I loaded a cart with a bunch of different types of hemp twine, I found a bunch of mineral beads like Tiger's Eye and Amazonite and black Banded Agate. But all it took was one crack in the dam. I saw that some of the beads advertised as minerals were actually glass. A lot were dyed. Some were advertised as stuff like Moonstone, but were actually lab-grown minerals that look similar. I got really bummed. I started removing all the minerals from my cart, didn't know if I could trust them. If I'm going to make something special for someone, I'm not going to cut corners on materials for them. I want real leather. I want good quality, well-processed hemp twine. I want real minerals, guaranteed. I don't have to hand-process every piece of the jewelry I make. I don't have to smelt the copper and form it into wires and then shape it, unless I want to. I don't have to carve the wooden beads by hand (though I actually could...) okay... bad example... um... I don't have to shape mineral beads by hand, because making perfect spheres and drilling through them is... well it helps a LOT to have the right tools. So I'm going to try to source minerals from a more reputable dealer, one that doesn't go for the cheapest option available. And I remember the thought running through my head, "it's kinda a little weird that I'm gonna get way higher quality shit on Etsy than from an actual arts and crafts store, let alone a franchise." But c'est la vie.

Then I looked at the suggested delivery tip for like $30 of hemp twine - like 7 bucks. I was just like... yo, I would NOT do a 30 minute delivery trip for some dude for 7 bucks. That's kinda fucked. And I felt really weird tipping the driver like... the price of the twine... But... My car still isn't inspected... So if I drive up tomorrow, I risk a ticket. If I get delivery, I pay twice the cost, or I screw over a delivery driver. Or... I order from Etsy and just wait a few days. I think I'll look into that tomorrow.

I really need to figure the car out though, might just set up a backup appointment with the dealership and see if I can reach the vintage car restorer dude with all the minerals and everything like... whenever I can get my social anxiety to fuck the hell off. That way I'm covered either way, I can always cancel.

I did some stretches and shit with my foam roller. I swear to god, I cannot recommend foam rollers high enough. Once you really start to understand what it is and what it does, they're great. I did a bunch of rolls and stretches and massages on my hips and sacrum, my hamstrings and eventually stretched a bit of my shoulders and neck too. I felt so much better, I had no idea how bad my back and hips had been getting.

I want to fix my posture. It's really bad. And keep doing like regular stretches and stuff. Being sedentary and having PTSD really fucked with my body, it really took a huge toll on my joints, tendons, muscles, nerves, all of it. I'm lucky I'm still young enough to pretty easily bounce back, but dude, it starts getting a lot tougher once you get past... I don't know... 30? Especially if you're not active. And I don't mean like... go to the gym for an hour every day but spend the rest of the day sitting on your ass at a desk. Like... "up and moving throughout the day" active. If you're not, something's gonna start locking up and carrying stress, and once you find those spots and start unlocking them... holy shit is it like... a giant breath of relief.

Like I've had these knots in my shoulders since... as far back as I can remember. Massages are literally my favorite thing in the world. They are really hard for me because I am extremely tactilely sensitive - natural sensitivity plus trauma plus being in a family that does not show physical affection at all, not much affection of any kind to be honest. It makes physical touch very overwhelming for me, but something unfathomably sacred to me. Beautifully powerful, reverent. Therein lies some pretty deep trauma when that sanctity is... misused. Maybe let's say... undervalued? Underappreciated? I digress...

I remember getting massages when I fucked up my shoulder from lifting heavy boxes of frozen shit when I was a full-time baker at a bagel shop. The doctors (you know, my neighbors in the 4000 person town I had been living in since I was 10...) refused to give me muscle relaxers or anything because I was a male in my mid-20's wearing a black hoodie with a beard who smoked cigarettes. Like the doctor literally told me to my face that I was drug seeking and asked me to leave. When I could barely lift the boxes I needed to lift to do my job. This was like 10 fucking years ago too, man. Good lord. Like... just get to know your fucking neighbors and you'll know real fucking quick which ones actually have drug problems and which ones are actually just trauma kids who are trying really hard to stay on the Good path. The Jedi path.

So because I couldn't get any kind of med at all to help, and not even a diagnosis... I went to a masseuse, one that my mom had seen before. I had like never done that before. And she was kinda cute, not really my type but, it didn't hurt. The poor woman, in hindsight I probably reeked of cigarettes every time I went in there, I would 100% smoke on the drive over. Whatever. XD Gotta get some insecurity in there, right?

I'm getting to the knots, I promise. So this woman gives me a massage and comes across my shoulder knots. See, my shoulders have always popped. Sometimes several times. Now, they pop like 3 distinct times on my right shoulder alone. All knots. She explained where they were, she said she had never felt anything like that before. I blushed. XD Aw shucks, ma'am. I'm... naked under a towel and you're telling me you've never felt something that big before. Oh my... This ain't that kind of story, trust me. She said my knot in my shoulder (I think I had one at the time) was like the size of a raspberry or a small grape. She tried to work on them a bit, but obviously when they get that bad it can take a bit more work than just... one massage.

So... that whole story was a round-about way of giving the history that my shoulders have always been like... a focal point for my stress. And my jaw and neck. And my posture has been shit, so my neck is pretty well fucked from that too. So I started doing a little neck stretching and shoulder opening and it made me feel things I haven't felt in a long-ass time. I've spent so much time fixating on my hips and lower back that I basically just skipped over my neck and especially my shoulders. I rarely stretch them. Skating is all leg and hip stretches for me.

So... note to self: do regular posture adjustment using a DIY posture board (a piece of wood angled up with a book), and do regular neck/shoulder opening stretches. Here's the kicker - do them in the place of smoking a cigarette. So if the "I want a cigarette break" urge ever crops up, allow it, and redirect it into "I want to stretch a bit". And take some damn deep breaths too. Smoking was good for forcing me to pay attention to my breathing and regulate it. So that can be a nice addition, a nice substitute.

I was trying to find a good yoga app, but they all seemed expensive and targeted towards people that aren't like me. So... I don't know, I was discouraged. To install and sign up for an app, then have them just prompt me for a credit card before I even know what the app offers. Like I get it, but idk man. I just stepped away. The dude whose videos I watched today was from some chiropractic and rehabilitation place it seemed, somewhere in Michigan I think. He seemed very focused on doing stretches and stuff safely and cautiously, which appealed to my inner self-helicopter parent. And the stretches made an immediate difference. So if you're having neck and back pain, I think it's worth getting ahead of it and adding in some basic stretches. It takes 60 days to build a habit, they say. 2 months. So if I can get a good routine together, and a good schedule, I can ring in the new year with some much healthier coping mechanisms and rituals.

Max played a lot today. I mean, now that I'm talking about it, she was a bit of a nut today. In all good ways. She went exploring in a rotating cabinet and got sorta stuck for a minute while I was cooking, and luckily I heard her and let her out and she purred. She played 3 damn times today with these new toys that are like toys on a fishing rod and fishing line. And I used to fish topwater for largemouth bass back before I became a bleeding heart, so I know all about how to maneuver bait for an apex predator. In fact, in the future, I might just put a toy on an actual fishing rod instead of just having it statically attached, so I can cast and reel it. Pure predators are so fun to play with, so interesting, it's a rush. I love playing with Max again. I feel bad I didn't for a really long time, but again... regrets... we all have them... and all we can do is do our best right now.

This time change kinda threw me off, I had no idea what day it was... I saw a message at like 1:30 AM, then my response later was at 1:00 AM... and I was like... um... what the fuck? So... that's a trip. So I guess it should be 7 right now? But it's 6? I don't know. I'm really lost in time today.

And to really amplify that theme, I watched a few videos on Frank Zappa's The Black Page, and David Bruce's The Blacker Page, and really complex rhythmic patterns and stuff. Talk about lost in time... Try nested tuplets. That shit... I swear unless you've been studying music theory for a decade, you might as well just try your best to imitate the sound of it. I can't even conceptualize a triplet nested in a septuplet. It just makes my brain fizzle. But listening to really cool organic polyrhythms and stuff puts me in a really cool mood. Rhythm affects me very strongly.

So I reeeeally want to figure out how to map my fucking drum kit to Cubase so I can record these drum beats. I've been tapping on my damn thighs for days now, all I want is to just... record some MIDI loops. Really wanna break through that wall, it's going to be so relieving. And then... then I can start really entertaining the real possibility of a new album.

It's late, I'm going to sleep. This is me sending an inspired smile out to the world. I hope we all can find a little relief from our burdens tomorrow, if only for a little bit. It is supposed to be the day of rest, after all, so... even if you're not religious - I'm really not - try to break through the cynicism and explore why rest/recovery, spending time with community and family, recuperating for an entire day of the week, would be something so deeply valued by so many cultures that it is considered part of one's responsibility in service of a higher power. I'd say it's kinda important.

[maelstrom007]

Thanks for the tag @lululandd !!! This one's gonna be a long one cause I really love movies and have quite a big pool that I return to regularly

7 comfort films + 7 tags (No way in hell I have seven people to tag but we'll see)

Pride and Prejudice (2005) [Dude I literally watch this movie all the fucking time. It's my emotional recovery movie. I know the whole thing by heart by now. Vudu is loosing money because of how much I've watched this god damn movie]

Divergent [I'm nostalgic, sue me]

The Birdcage [Highly recommend, cracks me up and warms my heart every time. The son is an absolute little shit though.]

Hot Fuzz [Love this movie to death. The comedic timing is phenomenal]

The Usual Suspects [What a fucking BANGER. If you haven't seen it go watch it]

IQ [Who doesn't love a nerdy love story?]

300 [Definitely watch it for the plot. . .no other reason]

Honorable Mentions:

Leapyear [Comedy of errors meets realizing you're not actually in love meets Irish love superstitions. Gotta love it]

Fearless - Jet Li [I'm a slut for martial arts movies]

The Grand Budapest Hotel [Wes Anderson, need I say more]

The Martian [Loved the book, love the movie. Reminds me that engineering is not only about knowledge, but is also a state of mind]

Ever After [Amazing retelling of Cinderella, with Drew Barrymore no less]

A Knights Tale [Movie gets better and better the older I get. So quotable]

Strictly Ballroom [I have a soft spot for strictly ballroom. Yeah, it's a comedy, but I also love the celebration of hispanic dance and the commentary on the chokehold 'traditions' have on sports]

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon [Yet another amazing martial arts movie, featuring Michele Yeoh. What a legend]

Knives Out [God I fucking love this movie. Not only was it a fantastic who dunnit, but also an example of how you can use politically charged topics like immigration status to flesh out a character and have it inform the why behind their actions or thought process, as opposed to just stereotyping]

KiKi's Delivery Service [Who doesn't like Kiki's delivery service]

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes [Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russel iconic duo, need I say more?]

Coraline, El Dorado, Treasure Planet, The Prince of Egypt [This post is getting way too long, but i'll be damned if I forget some of my favorite animated movies]

Sorry not sorry for the insane list. I only have one mutual, so please don't feel obligated to do this, just trying to keep the post going! @hffhifjou @valiants @halcyone-of-the-sea @ghouljams

7 comfort films + 7 tags

Thanks for tagging me @three-of-crows 💖 (took me a few days to make it)

Little Miss Sunshine

Spirited Away

Howl's Moving Castle

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The Dark Knight Rises

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Tagging: @scar-crossedlvrs @sarahs-secrets2 @cerezzzita @jihyunv @ghastlyrider @redpool @softenmygrip

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Do you have any underrated fanfic recommendations for me??

oh wow. okay. okay

Diamonds and Pearls by superglass E, 6k, genderqueer H

In the midst of the AIDS crisis, Harry meets Louis after coming home from a drag ball. 80s NYC au.

do you know me by heart by HappyPrincess E, 7k, a/b/o

i could cry about this one bc i've read it so often. it's......... it hits so hard and so good.

Harry comes back wearing alphas’ scents, a pleased smile and a lace dress. Somehow, Louis still ends up making him come until he cries.

Among Lavender Fields by homosociallyyours E, 70k, girl direction

this is one of those fics i think about a lot at random times of the day. so tender, so personal, slow and lovely.

At twenty-one, Louis Tomlinson is more than ready to shed the girl next door image that's been with her since her entry into film in her childhood, but with a mother and father steeped in Hollywood tradition it's felt impossible. Meanwhile, Harry Styles is a young, struggling musician new to London, friendless yet eager for the next phase of her life to begin.

When French director Marie Coutard casts the two of them in her film, it's a chance for both to break away from the people they've been. Together, they struggle through an acting process that's new and unfamiliar for both of them, learning more than they could've imagined about themselves along the way. As they spend long days picking lavender and long nights sharing the things they've never been able to tell anyone else, their love blooms.

Will the flower fade, or will the love they make among lavender fields be one they carry with them to the end?

The Altar Is My Hips by Anonymous E, 4k, girl direction

Harry is leaning against the tree in Zayn’s garden. It is warm today and exactly the right weather for the photoshoot Louis has been planning. She needs a project for one of her art classes in college and has been bothering Harry to model for her for quite some time until Harry finally caved. Normally she isn’t that fond of having her photo taken but it’s Louis who is asking so what choice did she have really.

and then uhm.... if you can handle it. here's a wip. bc......... it's so fucking good. it's so so so so so well written and intense and angsty and i won't touch it again until there's an update while at the same time i want to reread it right now. don't open it if you don't like an insanely introverted H. open if you love pain and amazing writing:

all is now harmed by fondleeds E, 100k (so far)

It’s still that dreamy kind of dark, nothing seeming real, but he knows that it’s time to go, to whistle for Pippa and eat whatever he’s got left in the fridge and start the drive down to Molly’s.

He can’t seem to open the door. Maybe he doesn’t want to face it, this new thing. Having Louis here feels like a betrayal. Harry tries not to think about what his Dad would have to say if he saw the journo sleeping on their pull-out, here to shake a settled sheet and watch the dust fly again.

-

AU. Harry's a farmer, Louis writes for The Age, and it hasn't rained in the Bourke Shire for six years.

[isa-ghost]

JSE Renaissance Week - Day 4

Day 4 (June 28th): Artist’s/Writer’s day. Do you have favorite pieces of fanart, an edit, or a fic that you or someone else has created? Reblog that sh*t with a comment saying how much you love it– it’ll probably make someone’s day! Bonus points if you create something for this. Extra bonus points if it’s a collaboration with another community member!

BOLD OF YOU ALL TO ASSUME I HAVE ANY EGO ART I’VE CREATED THAT I STILL FEEL OKAY POSTING. I’VE IMPROVED SINCE THEN AND IT IS NASTY. EGO ART COMING MAYBE EVENTUALLY.

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT I USED TO MAKE EGO ART. ONLY OG FOLLOWERS WILL REMEMBER THAT SHIT. PLEASE DON’T GO LOOKING FOR IT, I DON’T LIKE MY OLD ART.

Until then I scream like a moron about my favorite creators, some of which have actually moved on from the JSEC but I love them anyway so they can fight me in a dark alley for having the audacity to love them.

*BIG GAY INHALE*

@turquoisemagpie. YOU ABSOLUTE TRADITIONAL ART WIZARD. MY GOD. Your art style has me head over heels all over again with every piece you post. You’re where like- 14 year old me wanted her art to be. You are so insanely talented, your style is amazing, your range is mindblowing, and I cherish the commission of my infamous Bunker Trouble Trio SO MUCH. It was my laptop’s wallpaper for probably over a year. If I hear your commissions are open, I will be HEAVILY considering coming back. I could write an entire post just gushing about how much I love your art. Always keep creating, even what you might think is your worst or less than your usual quality would more than likely be something I’m still working my way up to. You are the DEFINITION of goals. <3

@septic-dr-schneep. WHERE DO I START. Hyperfixation or no hyperfixation, your work ethic is INSANE. I can’t BELIEVE how much you crank out in one hour let alone one day. Even if that’s slowed since before my little Tumblr break, you still blow my mind. I feel drained of creative juices just managing out one long piece for my OCs! Keeping track of a whole series of blurbs, defining canon and not within those, and coming up with a coherent story through each blurb, BASED OFF REQUEST PROMPTS FROM RANDOM PEOPLE? That’s AMAZING. I admire that passion you have so much, and even your breaks and burnouts don’t stop you. I LOVE that!

@lum1natriix. GOD where do I start with your gifs. JSE or other content, they are STUNNING. They’re such smoothly moving, high quality. You put so much work into them and it SHOWS, and I don’t even know where you would Start with making one, it’s always sounded like a Big Process, but your finished products look so awesome! No matter what you make gifs (or edits) of nowadays, I still adore your work. :)

@huffletrax. YOUR ART STYLE IS ADORABLE. It’s so squishy and fun and your coloring is IMMACULATE. And I love that despite your cute, round style, you still really pull off those angsty doodles you make occasionally. >:D You have a range and I’ve loved watching your improvement from the time I was new on Tumblr up to now. Keep going!!

@huffle-dork. I hope this doesn’t count as a mass post because BOY YOU DESERVE SOME APPRECIATION. You have crazy talent, both in your characters AND BACKGROUNDS. MY GOD DUDE, YOUR BACKGROUNDS. Even the ones that are just maybe a swoosh of colors look BEAUTIFUL. Dare I say they’re print worthy all on their own! I love the way you color things, and your style has such range too! Sometimes I can see similarities in my art to yours, and that’s been such a helpful way of keeping my motivation to keep improving up. I admire your art so much, and I love your Subnautica Egos series. <3

@d-structive. GOALS. JUST- GOALS. AGH. I love your style range so much! Your usual squareish stuff, your chibi stuff, your silly shitpost style (dare I callback to the buff ballerina Jameson,,,). All of it!! There’s just something so fun and fluid about it, yet its so square and neatly sharp at the same time! You balance those sorts of elements so well in your art, and I really love your ego designs too. <3 You probably have one of the most easily identifiable Marvin designs in the community, and he’s a little sneaky bastard man. >:D

@spunketpunk. BRUH DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING CAUSE LIKE. WOW. Your COLORING. Your art POPS and its so fucking cool. I love neon and saturated colors and its so rare to find artists who do (at least in my experience) and that’s something that seems like a huge part of your medium and I LOVE THAT. It makes your art insanely unique, and I love the aesthetic of those colors combined with your usually sketchy, messy lineart. Just- *chef’s kiss.* Your originality is fantastic, never lose that no matter what you explore. <3

@dumbthinmint. HEY WHAT’S UP LENGTHY SUPER DEVELOPED AU MAKER BUDDY?? LIKE HOLY SHIT DUDE. The lengths you go research and lore-wise for your AU? BRUUHHH. *slams hands on table* INSANE. And the way you make theory posts IN REFERENCE TO IT? That makes your theorizing stuff SO UNIQUE, I love it! Even when I feel like I can’t push my Ego AU lore with my friends too much further, you’re out here constantly dropping BOMBS of lore and honestly that makes my personal motivation with my own stuff soar right back up. I LOVE watching your AU unfold and progress, and your dedication to it is stunning. :D

There’s so many other artists, writers, editors & more I could tag but I don’t want this post getting 53826 miles long. :’D Just know that if any of you create things and I follow you, I think you’re doing great, I admire your stuff, and I hope you keep it up, no matter if its JSE related or not. <3

[hwangsbbg]

Honeymoon - Hyunjin

Just a really fluffy smut in which female reader and Hyunjin spend their first night together as a married couple

----------------------------------

"Wait, I have to pick you up and carry you inside, tradition" Hyunjin grinned, swooping me up with ease after unlocking the hotel room with the key card we received from the receptionist and entering the hotel.

The honeymoon suite. It was insanely beautiful. The theme was red and white and there was anything we could possibly need. A small living room area, a fridge, a tv, a jacuzzi and of course, the huge king sized bed which was the first thing you could see when you walked in.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted a gift basket with a "congratulations" card sticking out of it but I was more focused on the fake rose petals that were spread all over the room.

I grinned when Hyunjin kicked the door closed after he walked in and set me down on the bed.

"You know, Mrs Hwang, we have the guys to thank for this" Hyunjin grinned, kicking off his dress shoes.

It's true. The guys were responsible for all of this. They had planned the surprise honeymoon and payed for everything from the plane tickets to the hotel room. We were staying here for a week.

"Don't worry Mr Hwang, I won't forget to thank them" I absolutely loved being called 'Mrs Hwang' and more so when it was coming from Hyunjin. I loved sharing his last name and I loved being his wife.

"I still can't believe you travelled in your wedding dress" Hyunjin chuckled, glancing at the dress I had been wearing since the ceremony.

"The plane ride was only 4 hours and we decided not to go to the after party so it wasn't that bad" I admitted, resting my hands back on the bed and using them to balance my body weight.

Hyunjin was also still wearing his black tuxedo. He looked like a prince. He always looks like a prince but now more than ever with his black hair styled back and all.

"I just can't wait to take this thing off though" I told him. I wasn't tired from the trip, quite the opposite actually. I was very excited but I wanted to finally get out of this huge fancy dress.

"I could take it off for you" Hyunjin smirked, walking closer to the bed until he was standing right in front of me, looking down at me.

"I wouldn't stop you" I replied, standing up, still looking up at him because of the height difference between the two of us.

Hyunjin and I were a very 'innocent couple', two virgins completely head over heels for each other. It would make a great book. Of course we've kissed and made out before but we would never let it go beyond that, wanting our first times together to be special. And it was indeed going to be special.

We even made a deal to not touch ourselves for a month prior to the wedding and it was quite simple for me but Hyunjin could not stop complaining.

"You know I want this to be special but with you looking like this I don't know if I'm going to be able to control myself" Hyunjin muttered, taking my hands into his own.

"Hey, it's okay, this is a first for both of us and all that matters right now is that we're both here, together, and I love you" I reassured him.

"And I love you" He grinned as I grabbed onto his tie, pulling him into a kiss. The kiss was slow, sweet, we took our time knowing we had all night to do whatever we wanted to and knowing what this was leading up to.

Hyunjin pulled away, undoing his tie and throwing it on the floor before removing his suit jacket revealing his button up, nicely tucked into his pants which fit him tightly and revealed the outline of his muscles.

He smiled, reattaching our lips, this time his tongue demanding access which I quickly granted, desperate to feel his tongue explore my mouth.

The entire situation was insanely arousing and I wanted nothing more but for Hyunjin to take this dress off of me but I enjoyed the build up and how special he was making everything.

His arms snaked around my waist, pulling me closer and making the gap between our bodies completely disappear with my chest pushed up against his.

His hands then went to my ass, palming it gently before giving it a tight squeeze, earning a swallowed moan from my part.

"Fuck" he pulled away, staring at me as I stared at the very prominent bulge forming inside of his suit pants.

He reached behind me, his hand going to the zipper of my dress and pulling it completely down before I intervened, slipping the dress off by stepping out of it.

"Wha- fuck" Hyunjin groaned, seeing the outfit I had prepared for him, for this night.

I was dressed in white lace lingerie I had bought for this occasion, the bra perfectly showing off my breasts and beautifully contrasting with my skin.

"Just for you" I bit on my lower lip in anticipation as he grinned at me.

"How did I get this lucky" His eyes scanned my body, as if it were an art piece in a museum only he could attend.

"I think I'm the lucky one" I giggled, untucking his button up shirt and peppering his neck with small open mouthed kisses before beginning to unbutton, one by one, his shirt.

He detached from the kiss, removing his shirt and throwing it on the pile of clothes that was slowly forming on the hotel floor.

Hyunjin was truly a sight to see. His muscles, his abs, his pecs, it seemed as though everything was sculpted perfectly and covered by a smooth layer of skin.

"Come here" Hyunjin signaled for me to jump and so I did, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck as his hands rested on my bare thighs, holding me up.

The kiss this time was more heated, rushed and I fought back my urges to moan at the feeling of his bulge pressed up directly against my heat before he layed me down on the bed, his body slightly hovering above mine, making sure to not break the kiss.

He positioned himself so that his one knee was between my legs that were slightly bent up and his other was on the other side of one of my legs.

Hyunjin slowly began leaving a trail of kisses from my lips to my jaw all the way to my neck, collarbone and breasts.

"Beautiful" He marveled, kissing the exposed top of my breasts before moving back up to my neck.

He layed down before propping himself up with one arms, the other going to my breast that he began rubbing on as he sucked on the sensitive skin on my neck.

My breath hitched as he rolled his hips onto my heat, his mouth finding a spot on my neck causing tingles to run through my entire body.

"Let me take these off baby" He stood up, unbuckling his belt and unzipping his trousers, painfully slow as if he were putting on a show for my eyes only.

He finally stepped out his his pants, his underwear being the only article of clothing remaining on his body, his erection looking more prominent than before.

I lifted my body only slightly enough to unclasp my bra and throw it to the other side of the room, Hyunjin's eyes quickly attaching themselves to the bare skin.

With no words said, he dived straight for my breasts, one hand massaging one breast, fondling with the nipple, squeezing it, doing whatever he wanted while his lips focused on the other breast, taking my nipple into his mouth after sucking dark purple marks on the exposed skin.

He did the same to the other breast, taking his time despite both of us being impatient before going back up to my lips, this time messy with our tongues dancing, his lips already red and puffy.

I moved my hands down from his shoulder, to his back, feeling the soft skin before moving on to his arms. I absolutely loved his arms, the muscles.

My hands then trailed down his upper body, my fingers slightly gliding over his nipples before enjoying his abs.

Then I palmed him, taking him by surprise as he let out a small gasp followed by a moan.

I flipped us over, now sitting on his thigh as I began sucking beautiful hickies all over his milky skin. I adored the feeling of his thigh, the muscle strong and pressing against my heat.

I moaned as I began rolling my hips on his thigh, my hand going back to his hard on as I began to gently rub on it, continuing to mark his skin.

I could feel my underwear sticking  to my heat, dripping with arousal and I knew it was time to go further.

I pulled away, rolling over on my back and Hyunjin seemed to get the message as he positioned himself so that his knees were on either side of my legs, scanning my body in the process.

He maintained eye contact as his fingers hooked on the waistband of my underwear before he pulled them off, his eyes immediately going to my core.

"You have it worse than I do" he teased, referring to the arousal as he tossed the underwear behind his back.

He then stood up, removing his own boxers, his erection propping up against his stomach, standing tall and proud, his tip already oozing precum.

"Are you sure about that" I giggled as he chuckled in response, pulling me closer to the edge of the bed with my thighs.

He leaned down as he began kissing on my shoulder, his finger instantly going to my slit and without warning, pushing inside of me.

"F-fuck Hyunjin" I moaned as he began slowly thrusting his finger before adding another one.

"Shit-" I cursed at the slight stretch, my arousal serving as a lubricant as his fingers moved in and out and he made scissoring gestures to stretch out the tight hole.

"Fuck, Hyunjin, I really want you" I moaned as he sped up the rhythm of his fingers before completely pulling away.

He spread my legs and positioned himself between them, placing his length right at my entrance.

I closed me eyes as he began rubbing it against my entrance, teasing me but pleasuring both of us as he makes the tip of his length rub against my clit.

"Fuck- please Hyunjin" I looked up at him. He looked focused, his hair sticking to his forehead and jaw slightly parted.

"F-fuck" Hyunjin groaned, slowly pushing the tip of his erection inside of me as I let out a squeal at the stretch, this being completely different from two fingers.

"You okay babe?" He looked down at me, worried, as I nodded, my eyes shut in slight pain mixed in with a bit of pleasure.

"Fuck it's so tight" He moaned, leaning  down to kiss me as he continued sliding the rest of the length in, his kiss supposed to distract me but not working as as I could only focus on was the stinging which quickly subsided.

"You can move now" I gave him the green flag before he slowly pulled out, thrusting back in at the same speed, testing the water.

I cursed at the feeling, the pain now replaced with absolute pleasure. Hyunjin took my reaction as a sign to continue as he began thrusting, in and out, at a steadier rhythm.

"F-faster please" I begged as he began picking up the pace, his thrusts increasing in speed only further intensifying the pleasure.

"Fuck, fuck Hyunjin it feels so good" I could feel a knot forming in my lower stomach as tears formed in my eyes.

"Shit y-you're so f-fucking hot, all mine" Hyunjin grunted as he grabbed onto my thigh, hoisting it up and resting it on his shoulder, allowing him to go deeper than previously.

"FUCK" I yelled, overwhelmed with pleasure as he began hitting a certain spot that had my head spinning.

"Sh- I- fuck- I can't- ah" I struggled to form words as his thrusts not only gained in depth and speed but also in rigor as he began thrusting harder, practically slamming into me.

"Fuck babygirl I-" Hyunjin's breathing became audible as he was practically panting.

"I'm gonna-" Hyunjin began. I could feel my walls tightening and clenching around his length and I knew I was close as well.

"Me too" I let him know and with a few more thrusts he began releasing his load, not stopping with his thrusts as I cried out in pleasure.

His grunts resonated throughout the room as he rode his high, his last thrust causing me to come as well, all over his length.

He pulled out, his body collapsing into the bed, next to me as he pulled me close to him.

"I love you" He whispered as I layed my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, slowly calming down.

"I love you too"

[knights-unwelcommentary]

I think we don’t talk enough about Dirk’s mixed feelings about his bro, plenty of the things he says in chat and during his introduction are pretty telling

“You were practically raised by that puppet, he was a much better guardian to you than that Hollywood superstar Bro of yours ever was“

“ R.I.P. Stiller. Poor bastard. Had to go and get all tangled up with your brother's crazy, complicated life.”

“ if the world weren't so fucked up, you'd make a run at fame and fortune with your own puppet enterprises, just like your BRO did with all his weird shit.”

“ The statement did not go unnoticed by the Baroness, and soon the conflict between your brother's media empire and Crockercorp was a matter of public spectacle. Though the press has generally played up the rivalry as an extremely high stakes display of performance art. And knowing your bro, there is surely at least some truth to this.“

“TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive.

TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid.

GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?

TT: No way. He's awesome. ”

“ TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success.

TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation.

GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!

TT: Alright. My lessons are rad as fuck, but suit yourself.

TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that.

GG: Flaws?? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable.

GG: Unless your name is Jake English.

TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words.

TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark.”

As far as I can guess, it’s implied that he thinks his Bro’s life work was unironically strange and his fame not very deserved more often than not but that it’s also the only way he has to feel connected with his only known family

[ih8paris]

i hate paris

Do people still use tumblr? I’m so old. And I never used it. I don’t keep up with the times. I don’t give a shit. You know what? It all passes. Except facebook. They made a deal with the devil and really, was it worth it? I use facebook. I live in Paris and there are these groups for women, expats, cheap people like me that want free yoga. That’s what I use it for. And news. BBC CNN ABC NBC MSNBC, you get it and the posts. They report what the people supposedly want, but then we can see what the people are actually saying. Donald Trump won’t win? Look at voices talking? Look at the little people. It looked like he was going to win. What do you know, he did. But what if he had lost. What if Hilary didn’t get a handle on COVID and then Donald won in 2020? We would all be so fucked right now. Maybe we already are. Anyway, I’m not here to talk politics. I’m here to process my life choices and see if there were signs that I was making HUGE mistake. 

So here’s the thing. I’m a bit untraditional. Growing up was shit. Chuck left and made sure to shit all over everything before he did. And the whole get married in your 20′s have babies get divorced get remarried have more kids bc hey you’re not old at 30 and this is the guy you actually wanted to have kids with. I rant but you get it. Traditional not for me. Also not traditional, i have some money. This money has paid for college, pastry school and yes this wonderful covid filled experience in paris: the city that hates me. I’m fortunate. I don’t live lavishly. It’s not that much money. I grew up poor, I pinch pennies. Then i do exciting things. Or maybe challenging things? I am fortunate and grateful. And guilt filled. I am given this gift and shit it away, trying make something out of this paris experience. It’s like a bad relationship where i keep begging to give it one more change. It will get better. I’m a fucking idiot. So here I am, you know third times the charm, right? Back in paris. Vaccinated. I’ve made connections with people. I feel confident that this will not be a waste. It will be fun. It will be educational. I will network. Gain experiences. Omg learn so much. Be able to travel. OH the hopes and delusions i had. But maybe we should start from the beginning. 

Omg, which beginning. Paris, i guess, we can go back further when the moment calls. So 30 is approaching. I’ve moved back home. That’s story for another time. Remember my life is not traditional. So I’m home to help out and idk try to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. See the big mistake i made in my 20s was listening to people i don’t admire. i graduate with an art degree. my college exit interview said i am qualified to work at a bank or Kraft foods. no connects, recommendations. No direct. And my family keeps talking about getting a job, benefits, 401k. At one point a little later on, my grandpa was pushing for me to go into service. Sorry gramps, they don’t want me. My education was good. I learned a lot. They had good resources and a lot. But then nothings. So i worked at a bakery. I worked hard at this bakery. For more than a few months i worked 7 days a week. I didn’t have a life. i had money. Money i made. And apparently that was the most important thing, from the talks i keep getting from my family. And of course i wasn’t earning enough, so needed to work harder and climb the ladder. There is no ladder in a bakery. Whatever, I rant again. We’ll come back to this. 

So 30. It’s looming. I’ve thought about grad school. The money I mentioned earlier. It’s had time to grow. The GRE expires after 5 years, not that i took it but 7 years after I graduated, i wasn’t taking it. So Europe. Europe is artsy. I would like to make good money, enjoy the work okay, but mostly make good money with the least amount of actual work. So teaching. My mom teaches. Computer programing. She’s the head of the department. She fucking hates it. The dude that was suppose to get that job, he died. It was sad. But they also didn’t replace him so when the other guy retired, it became her job. It was an unpleasant 10ish years. But again, I digress. So teaching. Work hard and play hard. And it’s always changing - ish. I guess as much as you want, or don’t. New students every 15 weeks. breaks at all the holidays. Summers off. And when you’re just about to get bored, you’re back at work. Maybe because this is the only lifestyle i know, but it doesn’t sound bad. I worked in an office of women in high school. That i for sure knew i never wanted. But teaching. College. Okay. I need a masters. Learn about MA and MFA. Start looking for jobs in Cali because life’s too short to fucking deal with the snow and mosquitos. Idk everyone doesn’t live in Cali. So now the plan is MFA. They are much more rare and more in demand at universities. More money - but this time i think chasing the money necessary bc Calif = expensive. Now back to looking in Europe. I love Italy. I would love to live in in Italy for more that just a semester but actually live Italian or close to it. The language makes sense. The people make sense. The art makes sense. And it’s omg gorgeous. Alas, no American accredited MFA programs I could qualify for in Italy. I don’t know if there were none but if there were, they would have been in textiles, or digital/graphic design. Which I don’t know anything about. I’m old school, metal work, drawing, printmaking - although so far we haven’t gotten along, another thing i going to try to make work before i leave this city that hates me, for good - painting, ceramics, you get it. I hate computers. I appreciate technology but my mom teaches computers therefore there was never a working computer in my house so we (my brothers and me) don’t do computers. So i find this school - in english and in Paris. Paris, so glamorous. Home of famous artists and their art. The Louvre and Eiffel Tower and Fashion. So okay, i check out their programs. One i have no fucking clue what it is. Still don’t. Another is Photography - pass. Graphics - no. List continues. Then i see Drawing. That’s interesting. I can draw, i draw well. This is a program i could probably get into. SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: you can get into any program. No program is ever full. It’s bull shit. Masters program. Undergrad = everyone is applying at the same time. Masters = ages range and much fewer people go. So don’t fall for that shit - EVER. 

They have a one year and two year program. The second year is less than half the first year so makes sense to go the second year and get the MFA vs MA. So that works out. I’m reading and checking it out. Not sure what I’m looking for but in hindsight, i knew something was missing. Talk it over with my mom and her peers who are also teachers. Consensus - don’t be part of the first group. So i have an interview to get it - what a joke. It is also a time for me to learn more about the program. So i ask, is this new? How long has it been around. Answer: Oh no, it’s been working several years. Very confident. I didn’t have a follow-up, just said I don’t want to be in the first group. I said those words. Her response: Oh no no don’t worry. I was so naive. And yes this continued through the whole program. People’s personalities are what they are. So she lied to get me into the program and just kept lying. No respect for the insane about of money i was paying for this ‘experience’. No respect for the education i could have gotten somewhere else. Because this program had NO educational value. I’m not being bitter or dramatic. It was a complete waste of time and money. Then covid happened. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I can go into detail of the program later. This is just an overview of the beginning. 

So, I get accepted. What a surprise. I’m now officially 30 and this - i feel- is my last hoorah. After this i will be an adult who can get an adult job and become an adult. But first i need housing. And a visa. Which is very confusing. So the French and Italians - Italians I am familiar  with, tell you about it later. So they’re similar in that lazy, lack of thoroughness, that’s their thing. Difference being Italians own it, French hardcore deny. So I’m reading this paperwork and it says thing like you need to have all your documents before your visa appointment including plane ticket. Well I can’t go without the visa so why would i get a plane ticket? Cart before the horse shit - it’s very french, wait until you hear about banks.