#i feel like ive been having meltdowns CONSTANTLY lately

[oncominggstorm]

How do I not feel guilty about having meltdowns?

My twin sister & I had our mom & little sister over tonight for dinner & xmas presents. Everything was going well, people liked the presents I gave them even more than I thought they would, I was really happy about it. And I got some gifts I was excited about too (a new super cute tote bag from my sister, and an super cute enamel pin to put on it that says “actually autistic,” and like 4 different types of slime). Well at the end of the night, to make things easier to gather up & bring to my room, I threw my slimes & pin into the new tote bag.

But it turns out the lid on one of the slimes wasn’t on good enough, and it got ALL over my brand new tote bag.

I’ve been very overwhelmed the past few days, there’s been way too much going on & not enough time for me to unwind, and that was the last straw & I ended up having a melt down.

And now I feel guilty & like I ruined xmas for everyone.

My twin sister was visibly/audibly annoyed with me. My mom basically just completely ignored me. Little sister tried to help a bit but I could tell she was strained & uncomfortable too. And what had been a good night ended terribly because of me.

And in addition to feeling like I ruined the night for everyone, and the general bad feelings that come with a meltdown, I am also having to deal with the horrible feeling of immediately ruining a gift I was really excited to receive.

Also to top off the night my headphones broke 🙃 There is no sound at all in the right ear anymore 🙃 They’re beats headphones, that I really really wanted & had been asking for for xmas/my birthday every day for YEARS, and then last year (or maybe the year before idk im bad with time) my mom saved up for a while & bought them for me (cuz they are pretty expensive & no one in my family has much money), and I love them so much & use them literally for hours every day & now they’re fucking broke too & i just cannot handle this 🙃

[rotturn]

every day on this trip is worse

[cyberdragoninfinity]

Hello, I've been enjoying your Arc-V reactions so much. I had a question since you called Yuya your favorite protagonist, do you have some like deeper character analysis thoughts on him? I feel like I had a strong grasp of his character in season 1, but in seasons 2 and 3 I don't think I understood well what the writers were going for with him, other than he's extremely repressed because both parents told him he's never allowed to get angry or cry and express any negative emotions.

WAH THANK YOU apologies this took ten thousand years to get to..late june/july is always busy for my art fightin' ass

ANYWAY IVE BEEN HMMING AND PONDERING OVER THIS FOR A WHILE and like. i think the tricky thing with yuya is that, well, i don't think the WRITERS even fully had a grasp on what they wanted to go for with him in the later seasons (and/or what they wanted to do with arc-v's themes. and the plot. and the all of it lmao) so it really is a bit of a 'there's multiple reads you can have on this character and while not all of 'em are right, not all of 'em are probably wrong either'; the narrative frankly doesn't have a strong enough backbone for like the entire second half to put full conviction into one definite read. Great news for guys who like to think way too much about yugioh characters!! Less great news for "trying to actually grasp wtf the actual honest to god true intent of the writing was" 🥴

All that on the table and now aside, let's talk about the little unwell tomato of the hour. First I do think it's a bit misleading to say Yuya's especially repressed, per say--there's an element of unconscious ignoring/avoidance to repression, and let's be real this kid is certainly not ignoring his negative emotions. The negative emotions are beating his ass. He is spending half the series having catastrophic emotional meltdowns and veering directly into sobs and explosive rage outbursts and feeling Bad almost constantly. I think with him it's more an instance of him having just an absolute pisspoor handling on his emotional regulation... because yeah his parents have been giving him terrible self-help advice for years </3

I don't think theyve necessarily told him he's not allowed to be sad/get angry/express negative emotions--instead it's more of a case where (with Yusho especially) Yuya's being told if he DOES feel sad or upset, then that needs to be met with a smile in order to truly push past it and to feel better, i.e. if you fake the laughter then it will become genuine laughter and youll be a-ok and HAPPY!! YAY HAPPY ^_^ (yusho you cant fucking say that to your coughing baby who's also a hydrogen bomb!!!! oh god!!!!)

arc-v is Very into this idea of illustration emotions as through the metaphor of a pendulum (huh wonder why) especially like.... 'when you're crying, laugh instead, and that will swing your emotions back around again into positive ones' and 'if you're courageous and confident and push through feeling upset, that courage will swing back and turn into happiness.' which is like... IT'S ALMOST SOMETHING. THEYRE ALMOST SAYING SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. BUT YUYA IS SUCH A BAD MAIN CHARACTER TO EMBODY THIS THEMATIC CONCEPT. he's neurotic and kind of not particularly brave and wretchedly insecure and again his emotional regulation is complete dogwater and he's not a very good, confident duelist (or showman even) and so on and so forth. And the problem I think is as you get into season 2 and 3 the stakes keep getting higher and urgent but Yuya doesn't really like.... Grow very much in those aforementioned areas. They just start piling more and more insane shit on him and then it's not just his dad telling him to smile more but also like half the rest of the cast and the narrative itself BUT THERE NEVER GETS TO BE A MOMENT WHERE LIKE. THAT MANTRA FEELS EARNED, FOR YUYA. The writers reeeeally really want him to be this embodiment of laughter and always swinging back around to smile in the face of adversity but most of the moments we see them trying to make Yuya out to be this in the show, where his dueling brings smiles to everyone and ends classism and makes the bad guys nice immediately, they just feel kind of....fake. ive mentioned before how the end of arc-v feels like a fake tumblr post but alongside that a lot of season 2/3's writing for yuya feels like the exaggerated parody of steven universe that su critical blogs in 2015 were convincing themselves existed. and don't get me wrong it's fucking hysterical, I think it's hilarious yuya fixed arc-v aster in like two duels and now he's not an authoritarian child soldier anymore, but we do have to also Be So Serious.

sorry i just needed to post CHILL OUT ON THE GLOOM AND DOOM :/ again. this aster definitely has killed people but it's fine yuya fixed him. he's fine.

IMO It's hard to get a grasp on/understand Yuya's character in the later half of the series cuz yuya's character is so weighed down with these big idealistic themes the show didn't actually put any work towards getting him on a narratively satisfying track to fulfill them. He spends like 2/3s of season two literally locked in rooms astral projecting every so often like COME ON. and season 3 much like a lot of arc-v ALMOST GETS THERE. ALMOST SAYS SOMETHING, WITH YURI AND WITH ZARC. What happens when someone's happiness comes about from pain and violence? What happens when a smile is full of malice? That could be such a cool opportunity to explore the pitfalls of the pendulum emotion metaphor the show sets up, how that can be twisted into something harmful, but. well. that's not what we got huh :,)

anyway all that to say i think yuya's a sweet kid who has such a genuinely big heart and is a really interesting character, but it's almost this sort of key feature of his that he's really not a terribly happy person despite the smiley emoji-shaped hole the show's plot tries to jam him into (and cuz of that there's just so much dissonance in that that makes his whole deal kind of murky when all is said and done.) he's really a character that just has nonstop shit Happening to him whether he wants it to or not and it's kind of insane how little agency he has for like... So Much of the Show. He's made into a mouthpiece for Smile Away Da Pain and like.... for what? [arc-v spoilers if it matters] at the end of the series the other three yuboys are effectively dead and soul-absorbed and don't come back and it's like. you cant Smile World that loss away, arc-v. yknow?

i have no idea what my point was anymore, it is very late haha. LOVE YUYA. THEY COULD HAVE SAID SOME REALLY THOUGHT PROVOKING SHIT WITH HIM. AND YET !

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[chilpilled]

ive been bingeing survivor lately because the current season is really good (q sweep) and ngl i cant stop thinking about dunmeshi survivor. laios obvious challenge beast who keeps finding idols, not even on purpose he just likes exploring the island and stumbles upon them on accident. the kind of player who’s dogshit strategically and completely on the outs (doesnt even know theres any strategy happening) but becomes a threat due to constantly winning immunities and finding idols and being endearing so people go from thinking hes easy to take out later to desperate to get rid of him. probably a very polarizing figure for viewers, i think casual fans love him for being a nice and earnest quirky character while superfans hate him for his lack of strategic prowess. i dont see him winning but he probably gets at least a few votes if he makes it to final 3 and he gets asked back for sure because jeff loves his quirky characters.

chilchuck might be a sleeper individual immunity challenge beast (a lot of challenges are dependent on carrying your bodyweight or dexterity) and is probably also narrator of the season. every time a conversation happens it cuts to a chilchuck confessional where hes sitting on a log being like „i hate these people i want to drown myself in the ocean. i want to poison the rice.“ not quite a goat but hes probably too abrasive to win many jury votes, tho it depends on who hes sitting next to. i dont think he wins but he probably becomes a fan favorite due to his bluntness and gets asked to come back in a later season but refuses.

kabru is doing 4d chess and running laps around everybody both socially and strategically and would probably get taken to final 3 where he sweeps the jury if he didnt get weirdly focused on laios and end up alienating his alliances. kabru strong early beginning, obvious winner edit being able to run the game while keeping his threat level low midgame, to meltdown over laios literally just running around the island pretending to be a dog, and getting voted out shortly before final tribal. becomes an iconic figure comparable to the likes of angelina and is definitely asked back, but also for sure on a season where laios comes back too.

senshi has no strategy but everyone loves him for being the provider and also just a genuinely great guy. is probably making his tribe elaborate meals every day and comforting them after challenge losses. everyone loves senshi but unfortunately that makes him too big of a threat so he gets taken out during midgame but everyone is really upset about doing it, they just know they have no chance against him in final 3. it doesnt matter if senshi is left out of every vote, its senshi so the jury would vote for him anyways. after the votes are read he probably slaps his knee and goes „aww you got me good guys well played!“ without a hint of anger and everybody knows it was the right choice to vote him but they still feel awful. probably hugs everyone and gives them some words of encouragement before leaving. huge fan favorite and gets asked back on multiple seasons but is unfortunately always voted off rather early because hes simply too big of a threat. a messianic figure.

marcille probably hates the island and is only there because falin is. probably good strategically but lets be honest here she would suffer every single day shes on that island. kept in the game through sheer determination to make the merge and see falin again, but is probably voted out not long after, because her and falin are dangerous together and couples always get broken up. fierce falin advocate on ponderosa. falins strongest soldier.

falin is probably just a very strong social player. shes not the most strategic, but is probably brought into votes just due to how likeable she is. senshi also serves as a shield for her threat level, so i can see her making final 3 without having a vote cast against her. probably sweeps the jury, partly because marcille has been campaigning for her on ponderosa, partly because shes just genuinely likeable and people want her to have the money, partly because i cant think of any person potentially sitting next to her that people would rather vote for. just strategic enough that fans dont really have a problem with her win, and nowadays people are more open to social gameplay, plus shes beautiful and a great person so yeah. falin wins because everybody loves her and everybody loves her for winning. marcilles work is done.

itutsumi isnt part of the game shes just kinda hanging out on the island. nobody knows why or what shes doing there but shes laying in the sun and napping. there are probably a few votes for her at the final tribal so there needs to be a revote. you can NOT vote for izutsumi. stop booing

[angeldiaries777]

i dont fuckin know

my entire fucking life and personality is based off of intense trauma

i just want a reset button so i can do my little tasks and go outside without feeling like the world is gonna end ive had countless meltdowns i don't know how much longer i can live like this. i'm so mentally fucked rn my heads just so empty and full at the same time.

i actually am so sick of myself like i don't wanna look at my stupid face anymore i'm very much over everything i'm putting myself through yet i can't stop. i am an insane person who very clearly needs help no more censors i just need a break from myself how do i get that? i'm not thinking clearly or like myself at all. there is some sort of cognitive dissonance. i'm living my life for other people lying to myself that its what i want. i'm stunting my own growth. and change seems impossible at this point.i can never just have a normal life till i fucking find out where this is all coming from. why i'm being so strange and dumb lately i don't wanna accept it or whats hapepned yet i have to. want to take an actual break from here because its just not healthy. i'm not healthy. even i think i'm just constantly in my own negative loop. i know i'm mentally ill to the core and i know whats making it worse but god guys its like being an addict and i fucking got addicted to pain and torturing myself. moral of the story don't be like me. if u relate to me im so sorry. if u read this you're probably dumb soo i wish u a good day and im gonna try to stay off of this hell hole app thats basically been my entire 2023. love u.

[nostalgiacauseitstrendy]

just a vent, dont have to read/react

im going to use this as a virtual diary. I dont care in the end if whose mentioned finds this.

this has honestly been the worst year of my fucking life.

my dad and my grandpa died within 3 months of eachother.

there was so much unresolved trauma and abuse from my dad. i forgave it all watching him suffer in the hospital for a week- i legitimately had to sit and watch my dads body rot over a week. even after all the pain i held in my heart from all the pain hes caused me, i still wish i could text him. i regret skipping his phone calls now. i had every right to cut him off, but it doesnt hurt any less.

i was so sure i wanted to marry my boyfriend. now i dont know anymore. he can be a fucking monster sometimes- and the worst part is, even if i tell him, he doesnt see it or dismisses it. but i also dont know how to be without him- i still love him dearly. he has such good moments, but he can also be so ridiculously mean. we are also so drastically different....i also feel sometimes he thinks hes superior to me or better than me, despite his denial. its just become so fucking hard lately.

i am so fucking burnout from school. i honestly consider dropping out every fucking day. also my program is an absolute mess- financially, administratively, any possible way.

every single friend that has come out to visit me has made me exhausted. one made a mess of my apartment and clinged to her bf the entire time, one constantly criticized my every move, and fuck, one abandoned me for a dude for most of the weekend.

i had a meltdown over the last one because she attracts the sight of every man around. shes beautiful. like im not looking because obviously im in a relationship but man, itd be nice to be noticed. she got asked to dance 3 times. me, zip.

my mom still wants control over my life. i got a bunch of tats ive wanted for such a long time, and i know shes gonna have a fit. i live on my own. i support myself. doesnt matter, her way or the highway.

i just dont know anymore. i dont know how to be happy at all anymore.

[eberles]

Just Friends

Mat Barzal

A/N: this is my first mat barzal fic, and the first thing ive written outside of the obx fandom! im very nervous to be posting this, but i hope some of you like it! also, thank you @fav-imagines for the idea ilysm!! feedback is of course welcome, and my requests are open if you want to send something in! 🥰

Warnings: angst, swearing maybe?

When you met Mat over a year ago you never would’ve expected to be where you are in your relationship. You met him in a bar, a few of your friends forcing you out after a break up, and he spilt his drink on you. As if you weren’t already having a bad night, now your shirt was wet and you smelt like beer, that was until you looked up and saw his face. You could see his lips moving, but you couldn’t hear anything he was saying, having been distracted by his gorgeous face. He shook his hand in front of your face, a smile brightening his features, and you snapped back into reality. He was apologizing profusely and after a few minutes of talking you agreed to go back to his apartment, he assured you there would be no funny business after he could tell you were contemplating going off on him. You guys spent the night eating pizza and watching movies, and thus was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

Now here you were, 15 months later, crying about how you craved for Mat to be more than just a friend. Of course, you were beyond grateful to have met him that night, he helped immensely with your break up and it didn't take long for you to start feeling more than just friendship feelings for him. You would never tell him though, always wanting to preserve the wonderful friendship you guys did have, but sometimes it was difficult. Like now, when Mat appears to be in an amazing relationship, with an amazing girl who he raves about all the time and constantly posts pictures with. Scrolling through his instagram for what felt like the 100th time that night, with tears in your eyes, you heard a soft knock on your apartment door. Walking over to the door, wondering what someone would want at midnight, you looked through the peephole to see Mat. “Shit.” you whispered, using your sleeves to wipe at your eyes knowing it wouldn’t make a difference because of your red face and puffy eyes. 

“Mat…” you opened the door, talking softly, noticing distraught features covering his face. “Are you okay?” you stepped out of the doorway, letting him through as you spoke. You watched as he made his way to your couch making himself comfortable like always and you sat beside him, eyes searching his face.

“We broke up.” Mat whispered, head down almost like he was ashamed to admit it and you hated that you even felt a small jolt of excitement as his words. Of course, seeing him in pain was the last thing you wanted. “I should've ended it a while ago, it was clear the only thing she wanted from me was outside attention. She just-I don’t know, it was so amazing at the beginning you know?” Mat spoke looking up at you, finally seeing your face and immediately his dropped even more than before. “Wait. What’s wrong? Were you crying?” 

“Oh, Mat. I’m so sorry. I know you really liked h-”

“Y/N...talk to me. Are you okay?” Mat asked, with pleading eyes, grabbing your hands in your lap and holding them for comfort. The action and his words bringing more tears to your eyes, causing you to turn away from him and pull your hands out of his grasp, standing up off the couch. His eyes followed you, watching as you backed away from the couch slowly, using your sleeves to wipe the falling tears away again. 

“I’m fine, really. We were talking about you anyways.” You brushed it off, hoping to bring the attention back to him. Mat eyed you skeptically and patted the seat next to him on the couch for you to rejoin him. You walked closer to him feeling his gaze following you as you found your spot next to him again. He put a hand on your knee, squeezing it subtly, unbeknownst to him causing butterflies to erupt in your stomach and a heat to rush to your face. “You know it’s her loss right? She’s missing out for sure.”

“You think so?” Mat smirked, bumping his shoulder against your own, rolling your eyes noticing his cocky self start to return. “It’s okay, i’m not heartbroken about it, but it’s another failed relationship added to the list.”

“I definitely hear where you’re coming from, bub.” You sat back against the couch, feeling better after your meltdown earlier. Mat had that power over you, just his presence alone could turn your whole mood around in just a matter of minutes. You guys fell asleep on the couch together watching netflix and you were grateful he chose to not bring up your crying episode from earlier. 

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

It’s been a few weeks since that night and a few days after Mat had to leave for a few away games, and tonight he was coming home. You were beyond excited to see him again, never understanding how you lived your life happily before meeting him and now you couldn’t even go 2 weeks apart from him. You didn’t know this but Mat felt the same way, it killed him everytime he had to leave you. He knew you would be home waiting for him so your house is the first place he went after getting back into town. You heard a knock on your door and you jumped up from your seat, running to the door and swinging it open. You just about lunged at Mat standing in front of you and he grabbed you tightly giving you a long hug right in the middle of your apartment complex hallway. Mat picked you up walking you into your apartment, while you laughed as he mumbled something about not wanting to be in the hallway any longer. 

“I missed you!” you spoke as he put you down, you releasing yourself from his grip and looking up at him smiling widely. He mirrored your expression and repeated the words back to you in a genuine manner. You bombarded him with questions about how it was being away and on the road, obviously you watched the games from home, but you wanted the insider details. Mat updated you on his life and listened as you briefed him on everything happening on yours. There was something different in the air tonight and both of you felt it. Ever since that night and during the weeks he had been gone, you both noticed different things developing between the two of you. More touches, more flirting, more late night talks, and it felt like everything was falling into place.

It’s now been a few hours since he arrived at your apartment and after talking for most of the time you guys put on a movie, which was always a ritual for the two of you. You guys were laying on your bed looking at the screen and Mat was playing aimlessly with your fingers when you heard him start to whisper, “I think i’m in love with you.” 

You shot up from your laying position and stared at him, blinking slowly, “Did you mean to say that?” He shook his head slowly and continued, “Before I met you I felt like there was something missing in my life and over the last few weeks I realized I was missing you”

You gasped, feeling your heart swell in your chest. These were the words you’ve been waiting over a year to hear. Mat started to shift awkwardly next to you and you realized it’s been a few minutes and you hadn’t said anything. “You have no idea how long i’ve waited for you to say that.”

Mat breathed out a sigh of relief, sitting up so he was next to you, cupping your face between his hands, both of you leaning in, brushing your lips against each other. It started out slow, but turned heated rather quickly, both of you releasing all of your pent up emotions. Your hands were wrapped around the back of his neck playing with the hair on the back of his head, before pulling away slowly.

“I’m in love with you too, by the way.” you laughed, breathing heavy from the passionate kiss before leaning in for more.

[theunconcernedembalmer]

how do u handle ur social anxiety? ive been struggling a lot with it lately to the point ive sorta been breaking down and what better way for advice than to ask someone that comforts u (mun[?] too)

Mun... might have something more useful for you.

aesops way of coping is probably avoidance but we all know that aint the best way aha. anyway this was one ask i could not stop thinking about because i read it n went (john mulaney voice) Huh my anxiety never got so bad till a break down, n then it happened to me a few days later. i do find this funny yes

anyway, the most useful thing ive learnt to handle my social anxiety (not entirely tho but its a good start) is to identify which trains of thought is Social Anxiety tm speaking so u can immediately know those r lies. stuff like Oh they’re laughing at me just as I walk by, they’re laughing at me, or Someone else is here, they probably hate me, I should go somewhere else but I cant, aaaaaaaaaaaaa

(if im not wrong,) usually theyre statements that are along the lines of “they hate you” or “you’re wrong”, n they’re based off an irrational fear of others that can be countered using evidence or, well, logic and rationale. things like “No one is keeping a checklist of your mistakes, you’re literally the only one doing that and scrutinizing each one of them, others dont care so much about these things.” (ive found this to be a very good counterargument to use for a lot of situations so im bolding it) or “You wouldn’t think that if someone else messes up, it should be the same for them. And if they say it isnt a big deal, it probably isnt”. for me i usually keep repeating these more logical explanations n counterarguments to myself to kinda quell the social anxiety voice for a bit. i know there are cases that it doesnt work 100%, but its a good start

n if ur also like me who avoids eating/ getting food cos theres human interaction involved, i kinda try to get my friends to drag me out whenever possible. no shame, even a simple “hey lets drop by the convenience store later so i can grab a snack” is better than starving for like. a day or so. its also cos of this whenever i plan my schedule for the day, i see if i can plan it such that its convenient for me to get food for both lunch and dinner (sorry im not one for breakfast aha). n also i find that if i dont like the food (sorry im a very picky eater), i would rather starve than eat, so now im willing to pay a bit more for food i like n will eat

or just having someone else to talk to about these kinds of things, and kinda having a second opinion of “was that weird of me” or “should i have done that” with someone (ppl give advice better to others than to themselves aha) really helps, i think. u could probably also ask for advice maybe (like this? XD) ((after i had a small meltdown that day i went to my boyfriend’s to complain for an hour n honestly that helped me to release a lot of distressed energy n its better than stewing in it for the rest of the day + i got some advice that i slowly worked on when i was feeling up to it enough))

im also still kinda bad at small talk with strangers, especially ppl whom i just met. i find a small trick to this (that again does not work all the time) is to try to find a relevant topic (background is also fine i guess, depends on context), n as they answer find something about their answer that u can branch off into another topic. it could be a personal anecdote that is remotely related to that topic, it just gives u things to talk about aha (eg someone saw me drawing n commented that one of their friends also draws, n i started talking about how i used to get really bad grades in art class. which wasnt quite the topic but it worked). n when ur ending ur turn to talk, try to have something that the other person can comment on/ answer. having said that, this is hard if the other person is equally awkward/ doesnt give u much to branch off on from their replies (i mean they really only answer your question n rarely elaborates unless prompted. eg “what did you have for lunch?” “pasta.” “oh, what kind?” “carbonara.”). then i say its only as awkward as u make it to be, perhaps u would be better off kinda just sitting together in silence. its not weird unless u make it, n not every moment has to be filled with conversation.

thank u so much for this ask by the way, social anxiety is a huge bitch to have n it sucks extra much that a lot of our fears seem incredibly stupid from a “normal” point of view n we are constantly on edge even if we seem 101% fine cos we’re not fine aha. but just know ur not alone in this, n i hope some of these might have helped. 

i guess i should put some sort of disclaimer here, these r just some of my own personal problems n the solutions i have are mostly for me (maybe except for countering the thoughts), so i understand if they might not work for others. so i kinda recommend just sitting down, identifying which aspects social anxiety is affecting n finding a solution that works for u is kinda the best. try out different methods, if they dont work thats alright, if it does then thats great. it takes a lot of time, admittedly i starved myself for a couple of semesters before i found this solution for myself. it also take a lot of constant effort to counter, n to that i wish u all the best, n good luck in finding methods that work for u <3

[mingot-studios]

Things currently polluting my mind (will be added to as i think of things)

 How bad the Star vs. Finale was, and weather i should even bother trying to watch the show again at this point

The fact that the next JoJolion chapter is coming out soon and I STILL haven’t read 107 with my mom even though I’ve already read it

Not being caught up on One Piece and having 0 IDEA of whats happening at this poin as well starting to flaws with the series (racism, transphobia, and homophobia) that i knew was there but chose to ignore and weather it should hinder my relationship with the series. Also wanting to murder Oda for demoting Franky to ‘Pervy Grandma’ (srsly wtf oda)

Upset Infinity Train was cancelled even though i never watched it, and wonder why the fans cry for it to come is suddenly not happening?

The fact i’m going to be returning to in person schooling which is my personal HELL

my brother leaving for college upstate (Me and my brother have never really been that close, we fight alot but I cant imagine life without him)

The fact that my procrastination has gotten so bad that I nearly had to retake PE, World History, and English

The Owl House coming back on the 12th but i had downloaded the first 2 episodes but haven’t watched them and debating if i should, also having a meltdown  over Disney screwing the show over and having its third be 3 or 4 (i cant remember) 44-minute specials

The fact that me and brother STILL haven’t finished our Yume 2kki Let’s Play

I haven’t been watching anime regularly with my mom

I haven’t posted anything to my DeviantArt or YouTube in months

I have so much energy right now but no outlets

I still haven’t tried out my drawing pad i got for my birthday last year

I have so many drawing ideas but my spiral sketchpad is filled up and I have yet to get a new one

Ive many intricit and detailed story ideas that i know im gonna forget if i dont write them down bu due my procrastination i haven’t done so im prolly gonna lose everything

The fact Thurston Waffles hasn’t posted anything since late April as well as the fact that he’s got Kidney problems

So many ideas for videos but I only have WindowsMovieMaker and the HumbleBundle my mom got me idk YEARS ago won’t install

I’m gonna be 17 at the end of September, which i only have until next June before I graduate High school, have to give up my Chromebook, start thinking about college and getting a job, possibly moving out and living on my own, the knowledge that my parents are in their late 50′s and early 60′s so hey might be gone sooner than most parents and I dont know how to function without my parents doing everything for me

These weird tingles ive been getting in my body for he pas couple days

The fact that im not gonna a kid soon and im gonna have to grow and stop doing whatever i want whenever i want and i’m gonna never accomplish my dream of creating a successful cartoon and will probably end up at a dead end job I HATE just to make ends meet and eventually dying alone because I dont wanna be in a relationship or have kids

Everything is too overwhelming. The light, the sound, my thoughts, its all too much. I wanna curl up into a tiny ball and disappear from this awful experience called life

Capitalism

i hate being so passionately when i’m upset, everyone else is calm but i have meltdowns and freaks outs over things i shouldn’t even care about or are miniscule (Comes with being autistic i guess)

I have 0 patience and i hate it

I’m starting to regress back to being a childish brat after all the progress i’ve made

i’m constantly surrounded by either criticism or praise that contradict each other so i dont know what to believe about myself

the fact that i have so many great story ideas but i cant write a cohernt thought with proper grammer or sytax or spelling o save my life, nor the art skill or the patience or the tech to draw comics

i haven seen my therapist in days and i need help but i know im not actually gonna change 

having gender panic

I have no in person friends and ive forgotten how to interact with people

ive become a noodle limbed nerd

Ive gotten super skinny

I want someone o break through my shell and help me change bu I know thats just a fantasy and im the only one who can do that but im too lazy to put effort into it

everything i used to enjoy suddenly feels tedious monotonous repetitive and uninteresting

I feel trapped and scraed 

The fact after being bulied so much the only way i can really assert myself is to get violent and angry because they would want me breakdown and cry

I have this image in my head of who i want to be; And badass that people including adults, are scared of and know not to fuck with me or they’ll get hurt (Basically Jotaro, bu I’ve had this image since before i even knew what jojo was) And the fact I KNOW that i’s a pointless endever and that i only dig my own grave when i get mad but its like ingrained Branded into my my psyche so im always going to larp that vision of myself but not get anywhere and only regress further

I want to address my problems and change but I never do and stay static and regress

I cant take crticisim even though i know its true

The reason im so scared of writing fanfiction is because i know its gonna be a mess despite what i think is a great story and people will end up mocking it and what little self confidence i have will shatter

Star Vs wasted potential

the fact that I dont know where to take the whole “Rubi dies at the  end of he first season but comes back o life except she’s not actually she’s just a walking meat sack containing an anchint eldritch god that will, sooner or later, burst out of her and destroy her body, and she’s fighting for control of her ow body due to Skarlotus trying to devor her soul and Data’s medience is only delaying the inevitable” storyline of my concept cartoon, The Crypto Club

I have an AMAZING idea for an Invader Zim storyline that has fascism, rascism, mass genocide, child soldiers, political intrigue, propaganda, baiscally space hitler and more (okay that came out sound REALLY bad, but NONE of it painted as good!) It also involves Zim and Dib coming together to stop an even bigger threat and there is a really ironic ending that brings my OC GA83′s story full circle

[coralsgrimes]

To a certain extent, I understand the interest, I get why people speculate and obsess over this Ben and Julianne thing, how it can feel like a moral stance to call her/him/them out etc. But… are you really a fan if your sole focus and energy is on critiquing him? Genuinely, is it an enjoyable endeavour? From the outside looking in, it’s seems like a lot of negativity. In good faith, what is the benefit to running a blog like this? Is critiquing more enjoyable that appreciating, is that it? 🤔

Never said I was a fan? I'm fan of the DRamA lol Waiting for the Del Toro show tho cuz it seems like one of the few good choices he made lately...

I guess I find there is nothing to appreciate Ben for anymore? He is very bland and then you start to notice his need to be constantly praised, the very questionable choices he made the last two years and absolute lack of accountability. But thats just my negative opinion right? Sooo THEY BOTH been playin the game IN FUCKING PUBLIC and enjoying it is the least I can do now, locked at home ;c seriously if u so private just take it privately or else everyone will see it...

Last time I've been so much into shit was the Chris Evans fandom meltdown over Jenny Slate. Good times. Made couple quite popular memes... Anyone remembers that time? 2016 right? What was the one blog about him? Something with castle or kingdom I think. And OH fun fact bout that time. Our Benny Boy was tapping 20-something yo model/s back then... And being very friendly with Chris D'Elia. Sad that he made sure to erase most of his connections to him last summer... wonder why that could be?

And I hope you understand it's a joke right? I mean him no harm cuz beside all the shit he seems like nice guy who got caught up in the Hollywood tar pit. AND another of my bad negative opinions; the freakin very sexual fan creations of him all over internet are borderline sexual harassment, but thats okay cuz its fandom?

Hough is a joke in her own rights and i have personal hatred towards her, won't discuss it... and she lied to me cuz ive tried to be kind to my body but my endo only got worse

And thanks for asking me nicely lol I've got two very unkind asks too, sooo kudos to you good anon <3

AND LIKE NO ONE DISCUSSES THIS SHIT HERE (except one blog which i love for their unbiased opinions) SO ITS FREE MARKET... and i really got all of this shit from twitter, timestamps all from yesterday, wasn't even looking. Just some of the biggest fan accounts made me aware. I have a feeling it will only get worse from now on, it's not obsessing anymore, it's not hidden. All is in the open and our fairy queen all but confirmed.

[gayspock]

dont rb

anyways still cant sleep & abt to lapse back into my meltdown... but hey. loneliness hours, beloved. bc like

h. my flatmates been acting rlly fucking weird with me lately....... in a. hm. how do i say this............ Manner. she keeps asking me if im hitting on her randomly & making. weird comments implying tht im coming onto her.... & she didnt do tht LAST year..... but now its like. haha im suddenly predatory lesbian or some weird shit & . yeah . its been getting worse.... and is... haha you know. a  little bit fucking upsetting  bc im NOT at all being like tht and its fucking hialarious bc shes doin the whole “he he straight girls calling each other flatmate” psdgsdpgsgdj..... and . great bc m real miserable already.... and.. also bc shes like the only friend i rlly have at uni & the only other ppl ik are her friends. so thats cool, bc if anything shakes out then im RLLY just goin to somehow be even more alone. absolutely class yknow. LIKE, i rlly didnt fucking feel like i fit in with them in the first place (her & her friends...) so it was probs just a matter of fuckn time but is it fucking ever not..... is it fucking ever n.  m rlly tired man. m rlly fuckn tired. and i wish i could jsut meet more ppl and be fucking normal but is9dfjsdogjsd.... i jsut dont know whts wrong with me sometimes. m just lonely and fucking sick of just endng up alone constantly . like it jsut feels like . again just spending my entire. stupid  life just fucking being iced out of everywhere and feeling out of place ... like . rlly isnt fucking dramatic or an exaggeration is it. bc i dont think ive ever rlly been close with anyone & i think i can point at any point in my life and jsut.... i remember how miserable and alone and how isolated and alienated i felt from eberyone then, too.... yknow the whole rigamarole of just. fucking wandering between groups of ppl who actually care abt each other & jsut. yeah. never being that. ever. idk whats wrong withme....... i jsut  remember crying so hard and so bad for so long and jsut... i cant believe i thought id somehow get BETTER when i got to uni when its just as bad as ever. no fucking difference man. am a wee bit sick of myself & tbh i kinda get it  u kno. i do kinda get it in tht sense. fuckn anyway. emo ass

[artificialqueens]

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Colder (Shalaska) - Wednesday Angeline

A/N: Hey, Wednesday here! It’s been eons! I’ve been drenched in misery so I’m trying to produce a few more angsty things but for now I hope you enjoy this. Would love feedback here or over on my blog ( @wednesdayangeline ), and any comments you may have x

Summary: Sharon quits her job. Alaska, her girlfriend, tries to hold things together. Angst one-shot. Tw for depression.

I. Do You Love Me Too

“Sharon? Babe, I’m home!”

“Sharon?”

The door slams behind her. Alaska curses under her breath as her hip bumps into a chair in her eagerness to find her girlfriend.

She must be having a bad day.

There’s been a lot of those lately.

She walks in the bedroom to find Sharon still in the t-shirt and shorts she wore to sleep last night, half asleep. Alaska tries to keep the frown out of her expression. “Hey. Been sleeping in all day?”

Sharon shrugs, blearily rubbing at her eyes. “Not really. I had lunch.” She combs limp blonde hair out of her face, glancing for the first time at Alaska.

“That’s good,” Alaska replies, letting her hair down from its ponytail. “How was today?”

Sharon shrugs again, eyes staring vacantly at her girlfriend. “You tell me.” She turns to the other side of the bed, her hair covering her face again.

Alaska sighs. Sharon hasn’t showered in…was it four, five days now? I guess I gotta get used to this. She gently leans over and combs her girlfriend’s hair with her fingers, trying to untangle the greasy strands. “Aren’t you going to ask me how my day went?” she prods.

Sharon doesn’t bother looking at her. “How did your day go?” she asks, a hint of irritation in her tone.

“Two of your students recognized me today at the café, they said they’re from your junior class. A girl called Farrah and a guy, I think his name was Daniel?” Alaska wrinkles her brow as she tries to remember.

“Danny,” Sharon corrects. She resigned from working at Riverpine High as an English teacher two months ago after having a mental breakdown in front of that very same junior class. It wasn’t her first one either – she’s been spotted by students and colleagues with puffy cheeks and red eyes after crying in the staff washroom, but that was the last straw. The principal strongly encouraged her to resign voluntarily, and that she did.

“Yeah, Danny. They asked if I was Miss Needles’ girlfriend, and I said yeah,” Alaska continues, grinning as she recounts the situation.

Sharon groans internally. Farrah was the most attentive in her class, and Danny the most passionate. Fuck, now I feel like shit for resigning mid-year. Are they here to hunt me down?

“Farrah said to let you know that the whole class misses you and hopes you’re okay, she said she’s texted you but maybe it didn’t send through. Oh, and Danny says he’s sorry if you left because he winded you up too much. I told him I’m sure he didn’t.” Alaska pauses. “It wasn’t him, right?” She herself wasn’t really quite sure why Sharon quit, since the other woman constantly avoided the topic when she tried bringing it up.

Sharon shakes her head. “Not at all. He’s a good kid. Tell them thanks if you see them.” God, I wish I could apologize to them myself. They’re such sweet kids, they don’t deserve a selfish, irresponsible teacher like me.

Alaska hesitates- wanting to ask more, but also knowing that she won’t be able to force an answer out of her hard-headed girlfriend. “Uh, well- did you get the girl’s texts? Maybe you can let them know that you’re, uh…fine.”

Is she?

Sharon nods. “Go shower, you’ve had a long day.”

“I love you.”

“…okay.”

II. Hello, How Are You

Sharon checks her messages a week after Farrah and Danny talked to Alaska, tired of seeing the accumulating notifications.

From: Farrah Moan

Hello Miss Needles!Sorry if I’m bothering you, hope you’re doing well, our class misses you very much. Miss Malanaphy is teaching us now but she’s just not the same! :(

From: Naomi Smalls

Hey Miss N, sending best wishes to you, get well soon!!!!!

From: Max Malanaphy

Hello Sharon, this is Max Malanaphy. I’m writing to let you know that I will be taking over your junior and senior classes, please let me know if there is anything I should be concerned about. Alyssa will be teaching your sophomores.

From: Laila Mcqueen

Hi Miss Needles, take care and get tons of rest. Miss Edwards says you’re sick or something. Everything here’s cool we’re working hard I promise

Sharon switches her phone off. Why did I think that would make me feel better?

She used to be so passionate about teaching, about passing on knowledge to the younger generation. Ever since she left, any reminder of the school just leaves her more depressed.

I’ve failed them, their futures dependent on these grades and I abandoned them right before the final stretch. What kind of teacher am I? Does teaching mean anything to me? Because if it did, then I would’ve been able to control myself, right?

Great, Sharon Needles, so you’ve always been this selfish and self-centered, you just haven’t realized it until now. So, teaching is just a job for you, there isn’t any passion or care. It’s all fake, all for reputation and promotions isn’t it?

It’s been a thought that’s circled her mind all too much lately. It is quite odd, having taught at the same school for five years and devoting so much of her time to helping these kids get the best education they can have in today’s crumbling society, and only questioning this after she’s left the school. Sharon knows it’s just her mind making things up, but the stupid hypothetical thoughts keep knocking at her.

I have wasted so much of my life. And at the end of it, I’m twenty-nine, depressed, and unemployed. I spend each day trying to lure myself into dreamless sleep to avoid facing the messes I’ve created, and the remainder of the time crying into my pillow. What the fuck.

Sharon wishes she didn’t have the meltdown in front of her class. Then everything would’ve been fine. But she couldn’t control it, because she was stupid and emotional and not the calm, smart role model she should’ve been for her students. And she didn’t even hate her job the least bit- she loved it- when I had my job, that is. But that doesn’t ease the constant stress that drove her to tears again and again.

She glances at Alaska, sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed, and her heart floods with guilt.

No, I’m an ungrateful little shit. I have a loving girlfriend who’s given me more than enough space and is still handling my moods better than I am, given that half our income is fucking gone and I’m moping around all day like a teenager. I should do something…but I don’t have the motivation and any energy I have is spent on imagining horrible hypothetical situations about the future.

Story of my life.

Sharon knows she has to pull herself together someday, that she can’t go on too long like this when she’s already pushing her luck. They can’t rely on what Alaska earns from the café and she’s not even sure how long she’ll last with Alaska if she continues acting like this.

I have too much time to think, and not enough energy to do much else.

III. Forget-Me-Not

Alaska wipes away a tear as she closed the bathroom door. She misses Sharon. She misses talking to her girlfriend who would crack up over the stupidest puns, who would always beg to dress her up in gothy scarves and tell her stories about silly things that happened in class.

I miss when she cared, when we felt like a functioning relationship.

“Okay, enough, I’m fucking sick and tired of your bullshit. First you expect me to supply enough income for both of us- fine. Then you ignore me and shut me out, you pretend that I’m not here when I greet you, you won’t let me care for you! I want to care, Sharon Needles, I really do. Even though I know you don’t care about yourself or about me.” Alaska can still hear her own words echoing, the very same sentences she hurled at Sharon just a few minutes ago. She shudders as her girlfriend’s expression appeared in her mind – a mixture of shock, hurt and anger.

What reason did she have to be angry? Everything I fucking said was right.

I wish she gave more of a shit about me. Is that selfish, is that so much to ask for? She’s not the only one with issues, and troubling thoughts, and obstacles. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of.

IV. Home Visit

From: Jinkx Monsoon

See you in 5 minutes!

This is the first person I’ve seen besides Alaska after I quit.

But how could Sharon have said no when Jinkx, her best friend and fellow colleague, insisted? For old times’ sake, she had said. She felt too awkward to say otherwise. Always the pushover, you really are.

Sharon, for the first time in three weeks, showered. She feels surprisingly refreshed, but already slightly drained, not having moved much recently, let alone stood up for a period of time. She moves her head around, trying to shake off the grogginess that still plagues her.

Looking in the mirror, she tries to make herself presentable, tying her hair in a ponytail and changing into a button-up shirt and skirt – not that Jinkx wouldn’t outdo her, the other teacher having a more dramatic wardrobe taste.

The doorbell rings, and Sharon’s heartbeat speeds up as she heads to the front door.

What if I’m not ready?

Here goes nothing.

“Sharon!” Jinkx greets her with a grin, which briefly drops in dismay as she takes in the other woman’s changed appearance. Recomposing herself, she pulls Sharon in for a hug. “We’ve all missed you at school!”

“Hey, Jinkxy. I’ve missed you too,” Sharon replies. “Have a seat at the sofa, I’ll go make some coffee and we can catch up.”

Jinkx looks out the window as she thinks. What’s happened to Sharon? The Sharon she knew had brighter eyes, rounder cheeks, and more energy than a seven-year-old. She’s comforted Sharon once or twice during breakdowns, but Sharon always regained composure quickly, bouncing back to her goofy enthusiastic self.

Sharon sat down on the other end of the sofa as she set two cups of coffee down. “How is everyone?”

Jinkx shrugs. “The usual. A few kids asked about you, most of us just tell them that you needed a break. Max and Alyssa both manage okay with your classes I think.” She sips the coffee. “How are you, Sharon? You look…different.”

“I look like shit, you mean,” Sharon says, laughing bitterly. “It’s okay, you can say that, I don’t mind.”

Jinkx nods. “How have things been?” she repeats.

“There’s not much to talk about. I sleep a lot…and I’m tired and sad all the time. I guess it shows.” Sharon plays with her fingers, avoiding eye contact with Jinkx. “And I’ve kind of ignored everything else.”

She’s going to leave now. She’s going to stop being my friend because I’m weird and an irresponsible adult. She’s going to tell me how much I fucked up.

Jinkx lets the silence hang in the air for a while, struggling to come up with a reply. “I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time, sweet pea. Would talking about it help, or do you feel uncomfortable? We can change the subject, we’re meant to be having a nice chat after all.”

Sharon takes a deep breath. “I guess I can talk about it. I’ve just been feeling really down. Like I’m not doing anything useful and sometimes I’m just sad and my head pounds a lot, but I have no idea why, because my life went so well and I didn’t even have any issues with my family and I just feel like a really sad ungrateful twat all the time.” She buries her face in her hands.

Jinkx shuffles over and pats Sharon’s back.  “I don’t know how you feel, but I can try and sympathize. It’s okay to be sad sweetheart, no matter how your life is or your background, sometimes emotions just fuck with us when we least expect it. You’ll always have your friends and Alaska there for you,” she comforts.

Sharon’s red-rimmed eyes looks at Jinkx’s. “Alaska won’t be there for me. She’s tired of me, and I don’t blame her- she told me she doesn’t care anymore if I was mad at her or not,” Sharon choked back tears. “But I care. I’m not mad at her. But it’s okay if she’s mad at me. Because she should be, I’ve been such a burden to her.”

“Oh, Sharon,” Jinkx murmurs. “You know- if she isn’t helping, a change of environment might help?”

Sharon shook her head. “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

“You’re welcome to stay at mine. The thing is, Sharon, if Alaska isn’t being supportive of your situation, then maybe you should- I’m not suggesting that it’s permanent, but maybe a break would help? For both of you to clear your minds.”

V. Ladies Who Lunch

“I just want her to care,” Alaska whines, “I miss when she did.”

Katya pats Alaska’s shoulder, shooting her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I am, too. I hate complaining about her because I really do love her, but it’s just…wearing me out, you know? Like, she just doesn’t give a shit and lies there, and I’m not even asking her to find a job or anything, just to live like an adult with basic fucking hygiene. She barely ever showers unless there’s guests, Kat.” Alaska exhales loudly, leaning back in her chair.

Katya winces. “It has to suck living with her, Lasky. I get that it’s tiring for you.”

“Yeah.”

“But maybe Sharon herself isn’t in the right place right now? Maybe she does need someone responsible to care for her- I don’t know, Lask. I’ve met Sharon and she wasn’t like this, like what you describe her to be, and she seems to be needing help.” Katya drums her fingers on the table, observing Alaska’s reaction. She thinks of Sharon, the few times she’s seen her, Alaska’s girlfriend was always sweet, quite loud, and shared perfect chemistry with Alaska. Not this stranger Alaska speaks of.

Alaska resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “So you are telling me that I should put up with this then? God, I should have kn–”

“No, let me finish. I’m just saying that it would be good for her to have some help. It doesn’t have to be with you, this is not affecting you in a good way either, but maybe having her stay with someone else, a friend or relative maybe, would alleviate your stress and also help her with whatever she’s struggling with. When you face a problem, Alaska, you have to find a solution, not complain about it and wait for it to solve itself.”

Alaska nods. “Thanks, Katya. You always know what to do.”

That night, Alaska mulls over the possibility of a break-up. Maybe it is for the best.

VI. I Lost All Hope Today

“Sharon!”

Sharon rubs her eyes, woken by the racket at the door. What the fuck?

“Shaaaaaaaaron! Come on! Open the fucking dooooor!” Alaska’s unmistakable drawl, slurred, could wake the neighbors. Sharon sighs and drags herself to the door.

“What the fuck Alaska,” she mumbles weakly. Alaska stumbles in, makeup runny and a bottle in hand, wrapping an arm around Sharon.

Alaska slams the bottle onto their coffee table. “I think I’m gonna puke…”

Sharon follows Alaska down the corridor to the toilet, helping her keep her hair up as Alaska vomits into the toilet bowl, now completely awake from the turn of events. She can’t help but feel irritated- that Alaska was so irresponsible to get drunk when it was a work day tomorrow. Expecting Sharon to clean up after her, when they were in the middle of a fight that Alaska picked.

Sharon pours a glass of water for Alaska as she cleans up the last of the vomit. “Gargle it, don’t swallow,” she instructs.

Alaska did so, and then begins to ramble again. “You know, I really miss when you would be this caring, I don’t know what the fuck’s gotten into you the last few months but I wish you would be my Sharon again…”

Sharon sighs. “You’re drunk, get to bed.” She guides Alaska, her arm still wrapped around the other woman’s torso as she leads them back to the bedroom.

Sharon turns herself so that her back is to Alaska, who was still mumbling about “the old days where everything was happy”. She knew relationships were never perfect, that each had their good and bad days- but surely they’ve used up their bad day quota already. Surely, this isn’t how it’s always going to be?

Maybe it is truly over between them. With Sharon’s own problems, she doesn’t have time to mind the ones between her and Alaska.

VII. White Noise

Fuck. I was really fucked up last night.

Alaska didn’t remember anything after her fourth drink at the bar. She knows she wasn’t drugged, it was just too much alcohol for her system. She woke up groggy, but with clean clothes, in her bed.

Sharon. Fuck. What happened?

She tries her best to remember. She wants to guess that Sharon had helped her when she came home, but she can’t imagine it. She just can’t. Sharon doesn’t care enough to do that, does she?

Alaska ponders the question throughout the day at work, being scolded gently by Shea, her manager, for “constantly daydreaming on the job”. She doesn’t even notice when Danny said hi to her, as he did now every time he saw her at the café, asking her how Sharon is doing.

How is Sharon doing?

“I- I’m not quite sure,” Alaska tells the teenager apologetically. “But I’ll tell her you said hi.” But I never do, because she won’t care anyway, because I don’t want to know if she might care about this random student more than she cares about me, so I won’t risk it.

Danny nods, shrugging it off. “You don’t look so good yourself, Miss. Take good care of yourselves.”

“Yeah.” Alaska thinks she might burst into tears. This relationship stuck in limbo is driving her nuts. I might just tell her we need a break. Nothing permanent, just a break, I need to clear my head. Alcohol won’t help.

She comes home to find a letter.

VIII. Talk to You Later

Hi Lasky,

I’m writing this down as my thoughts come along, please forgive me if it isn’t the most concise.

This relationship isn’t working anymore. I understand that it is, on the most part, because of me. I’ve been in a very bad place the past months and I wasn’t trusting enough to tell you about it, and I was too depressed to have any energy to just…do anything. And I’m sorry, because I didn’t try harder- or at all. I know.

And there isn’t any big story behind why I became like this. It’s just a lot of things going on in my mind that overwhelm me you know? Thinking about whether there’s any meaning to existence and all that. Because we all die in the end anyway. But I guess I should snap out of it sometime.

I really do want to care. I’m sorry. I’m too tired to, and I was a bad girlfriend.

I’ll be off staying with Jinkx for a bit, and maybe pick up a job somewhere near hers. I’ll come back and clear my junk up, I’ll make sure there aren’t any awkward meetings, okay? I’m sorry this is so abrupt, but please, take care of yourself, and know that this is the best for both of us.

Maybe we can be friends again one day. I don’t know.

Talk to you later,

Sharon N.

[seekerstone]

bursts tf in 🌟1-50🌟

im. not even remotely suprised. ofc you sent them all why would you EVER go easy on me, ever in my life, 

Femme or butch?  im more butch (altho its closer to futch) rn but eventually……….. i hope i can achieve femme!!! 

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe itCute Girls. really thats it. i fuckign LOVE cute girls!!!! especially when theyre really smiley and have a like,,, squishy face when theyre happy. idk how to describe it but theres this one kind of face i just,, clutches heart.

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?leather jackets!!!! i have one and i love it. i also dont really know what a plaid button up is BUT if that means flannel than i have one of those too and love it equally

Describe your styleuhhhhhhhhh Sweaters. lazy, comfy, unfashionable, 

Describe your aestheticlajglkajglksgj space i guess??? rainbows, pastels, anything pretty??? OH ANYTHING GLITTERY OR SPARKLY I EAT THAT SHIT UP

Favorite article of clothing?my blue sweater!!!!! its such a nice cut and color and its so comfy im love it

Favorite pair of shoes?my boots i guess? i dont like shoes very much id always prefer to go barefoot BUT my boots r cool and make me feel powerful 

Current haircut?BAD. was a pixie cut, is now a pixie cut thats hasnt been trimmed since july

Any haircut goals for the future?im!!!! growing my hair back out!!!!! i havent had long hair since i was FIFTEEN (got my first pixie cut on my sixteenth birthday) and even that was a bob for YEARS. i basically havent had really long hair since i was eight so its been. a while. 

Describe the best date you’ve been oni have never been on a date actually! so uh. cant answer this

Describe the worst date you’ve been onsee above answer!

Single? Taken?taken!!!!! gonna be two months this thursday god bless

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!alright LETS SEE. dan is, simply put, too good for me. she lets me talk endlessly abt whatever im obsessed with at the moment, send her memes constantly, vent abt everything thats upsetting me (usually tiny, insignificant things), and she NEVER seems to mind when i have dramatic meltdowns over like. sending someone an email. or texting my mom who is, yknow, my mother and who i have a good relationship with. she always supports me no matter what and just!!!! makes me what to be the best version of me i can be bc she deserves no less!!!!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?>;3c not applicable 

Describe your dream weddingooohhhh god the funny thing is even tho ive been fantasizing abt my wedding since i was old enough to know what a wedding was i………… have No clue what id like to be like. small i guess? immediate family, close friends, my mom’s parents, etc. i dont like crowds and i hate being the center of attention so i definitely wouldnt want to have a big wedding. plus those r expensive!! and altho i love luxury and being spoiled i prefer cheap luxury. yes i know thats an oxymoron please let me live my life in peace. lots of flowers altho then……… bees………….. hate bees. mmmmm i go back and forth a lot on my dress bc on one GOD YES I WANT A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING DRESS on the other hands theres a lot of sexist ideals wrapped up in wedding dress and its silly to spend that much money on a dress you wont ever wear again so :// 

anyway this got long. really id be good with anything so long as there arent too many people there. i just wanna look pretty and have a beautiful wife

Do you want kids?yes and no,, i wanted kids a lot when i was younger, then in my early teens i DID NOT, and now……. maybe eventually. i have a big family so itd be weird not to have one or two kids ill admit but god i am So Not Ready for kids rn

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?alaska!!!!!!!!!! idk why i just!!! have always loved the concept of alaska!!!!! also canada but then……… i wont be an american which i neVER THOUGHT WOULD MATTER TO ME UNTIL LATELY BUT LIKE. IDK,, ive been american all my life!!! i hate america and dont wanna live here but!!!! its all i know!!! my identity is so wrapped up in it!!!! you know actually im now realizing this is probably tied to a bigger phenomenon of me making some small part of my identity My Entire Self and then not knowing how to handle anything that changes it bc that! is a thing i do that is awful and causes me much grief time and time again

Favorite lesbian movie?i have never seen a lesbian movie actually

Favorite lesbian novel/story?…or read a lesbian book. my life is severely lacking in lesbian media 

Favorite lesbian song?listen. i dont. do i listen to lesbian songs? i have no clue. any song i sing is a lesbian song i guess so hmmst everytime we touch. obviously. 

Favorite lesbian musician?i have never listened to a single one of her songs but hayley kiyoko? shes lesbian right

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?short hair, leather jacket/flannel, boots………. what other lesbian stereotypes are there idk

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?not yet but i assume thatll change 

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?i was gonna say “send me memes” but you know what? ill be real abt this one for once. one of the biggest ways i show affection is by showing interest abt stuff other people like, so when people do the same for me………….. i get the Doki Dokis. being funny & smart & kind is super good too,,,, also Cute bc im shallow as hell. but then the most surefire way of them all is Get Me Stuff. can be bought, can be homemade, idc. i just LOVE being pampered & if its stuff ive mentioned wanting? doubly effective

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian

G I R L S!!!!!!! IM LOVE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?CAT PERSON ALL THE WAY!!!!!!! i love cats so so so much theyre my favorite animals hands down

Turn ons?honestly what ARE turn ons? does it mean kinks or just anything sex-related i like? does it even have to be sex-related? is it just anything i like in general? 

Turn offs?i dont know what this means!!!!!!!! i mean like i know that its sex stuff you dont like but is there a more general meaning too? is it just anything im unattracted to? i!! dont know!!! 

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?i have never initiated anything in my life and i never will!!!! i pine from afar and hope they ask me out bc otherwise we wont ever date. i thank my lucky stars everyday that my wonderful gf is much braver than i am

What is your dream career?author!!!!!!!!!!! ive wanted to publish a series since i was little!!!!!! also ANYTHING to do with games like PLEASE. 

Talk about your interests or hobbies!video games!!!!!!!!!, writing, eating my body weight in sugar, driving my siblings crazy by singing disney songs 24/7. the normal stuff really. i also really enjoy anything craft-related!! i LOVE crocheting and sewing

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?a sense of humor!!!!!! i love smart, funny girls. also confidence!! girls who know theyre hot shit (without being conceited) are so good god bless them

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?both actually!!!! i get crushes fairly easily but theyre pretty quick to pass too. actually liking someone & wanting to date them tends to take longer

Ever fallen for your best friend?aljkgalgjkalgj IM DATING HER SO, 

Ever fallen for a straight girl?probably? altho i didnt realize it at the time i had crushes on most of my best friends at various part of my life & as far as i know theyre all straight

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)never seen it!

Favorite comfort food?oh god… apple pie maybe? carrot cake? ramen? really any food when im sad and hungry 

Coffee or tea?neither i hate both. if i have to choose tho tea just bc if you dump like a cup of sugar and dilute it with milk its not terrible

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?id like to go vegan!! my family eats a lot of meat so theres not a ton i can do right now but im doing my best to cut back however i can

Do you have any pets?no :( id love some tho

Early-riser or night-owl?night owl!!!! its kinda fluid whether im going 2 bed at like 10pm every night or 1am but still. i much prefer staying up late to waking up early 

What is your sign?leo!!!!! which i hate. but whatever

Can you drive?yes actually!!! i dont have my license but i do know how to drive

Who was your first lesbian crush?professor kate from spectrobes…………… 

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?i was probably 14? when i realized i was gay, altho i went bi –> pan –> ??? –> gay, i guess –> lesbian as far as labels go. 

At what age did you come out (if you have)?i came out to my siblings basically right away but only came out to my parents this year, so 19. they already knew tho so. idk if it counts

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?yes!!!!!!!! my beautiful perfect wonderful girlfriend!!!!!! im love her shes so good

Talk about how your day wentit went okay! stressful bc work is almost done & i feel like i havent done as much as i should AND i have class today but! for the most part it was fine and since i got another olivia in feh,,, excellent.

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the futurei want!!! a cat!!!! and a nice, comfy apartment with a small windowsill garden. id like a job i enjoy that pays a steady salary and leaves me with plenty of free time to play video games and hangout with my girlfriend!!!! 

Least favorite gay celebrity?i know jackshit abt pop culture idk whos gay and honestly i dont even know enough celebrities to have a least favorite so. shrugs. 

[thenightisland]

you know the drill:

this is becoming like its own series but idk how else to explain this awful year i don’t even feeling like properly linking so here’s just the URLs of the other ones in the series: 1. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161087786689/explanationsupdates-under-the-cutmore-i 2. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161920216354/additional-updatesexplanations-under-the-cut 3. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/163767959805/updates-under-the-cutmore-post-one-post-two-on 4. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/164398486219/on-the-fourth-edition-of-what-the-fuck-is

one of the assessors got jumped a while back. she was just walking past a pt in the main assessment dept and he jumped up, punched her in the back of the head, took her to the ground and beat the fuck out of her. she was out for weeks and weeks and had broken facial bones. i can’t believe she didn’t quit.

our nurse executive quit though. not like, went prn or gave two weeks notice, like just straight up was like I’M DONE and walked out which honestly is the closest i’ve ever come to respecting him.

while having more psychologically unstable pts isn’t new, having more medically unstable pts has been a problem lately. like our crash cart is not like a medical hospital’s crash cart it’s like. an ambu bag some iv supplies and a stethoscope no lifesaving medications. when a pt has a medical issue we send them out to a medical hospital because obv we don’t have the resources to treat complex medical issues where we work. which didn’t used to be an issue because you’d used to see maybe two medical codes a year on my unit. we’ve had /ten/ since my last update post /just on my shift/. two of which weren’t even “pt is going downhill fast” codes they were “pt has no heartbeat and isn’t breathing” like we had to fucking bring two people back from the goddamn dead /within ten minutes of each other/. we’re all like we’re psych nurses man if we wanted to do this shit we’d work er. [and the er we’re required to send these pts to is awful like they sent us back a guy who had almost died twice in three days who had an /untreated brain tumor/ bc obv he’s totally fine]. or we’ve been doing mash unit style medicine like the suicidal kid with partial thickness burns all over his chest and neck that literally no one was doing anything about. we were debriding burns with a mixture of different PO IM and SQ drugs to achieve the same effect as IV morphine because debriding is extremely painful but not doing it will just make things worse and no one else seemed to care so we just fucking did it. like we’ve done so much medical nursing lately. like the one with the uncontrolled severe seizures that led to the medical hospital labeling her first break schizophrenia despite no family history of mental illness but /five different medical issues that all cause psychosis/. or the one they let on the unit despite being on the do not readmit who has untreated hiv that he actively tries to give to other people and /active tuberculosis/. or the one with the aneurysm. or the one with severe CHF. and on and on and on. and remember: we’re not the most medically unstable unit in the hospital because we have a 40 bed /geriatric psych unit/ so you can imagine the kind of pts /they’re/ getting. on the plus side, all of our ten odd codes lived.

my personal life is still a goddamn mess, of course, but that’s a given. don’t even know where to begin with all that. and i can’t talk about a lot of it which makes it that much more fun.

i had an entire crisis about the odyssey [which tbh is still kind of going on even after /weeks/] because i’m getting so cagey in memphis because i fucking hate this town. and i just got back from new orleans which is the closest thing i have to an ithaca at the moment and it killed me to come back to this fucking city.

i’m also really paranoid right now because after i come back from vacations, something terrible always happens and i’m not exaggerating it’s like clockwork to the point that the bad things have all happened between friday and sunday after i’ve returned from my vacation, each time, without fail. well that would be this weekend so i am just waiting to see what great horrors await me this goddamn time. [last time, it was the whole coworker killed in vehicular homicide thing]. but i guess paranoia isn’t the right word. you’re only paranoid if you’re wrong, and my life has already set the precedent. so i guess anxious is the better word.

the anxiety is increased given that my mother has been out of work all week because they’ve had trouble regulating her blood sugar and so she’s been really sick and even said so herself she’ll probably end up in the er over the weekend because she doesn’t think she can make it till her next doc appt because she’s miserable, and she’s already been in the er once when this weird shit started happening a month or so ago so the Vacation Curse has me even more concerned than usual, which is saying something. 

there’s a new psych doc working now and everyone is really unsettled by him and we’re pretty sure he’s a genuine psychopath like completely without exaggeration and he’s already done a lot of really creepy things to/with staff members and one nurse said in passing “i’ve known a lot of doctors like him he’ll end up fucking a pt at some point” which we initially left to hyperbole but he’s been doing shit like transporting female pts to other units without the staff’s consent in his own car which is like all kinds of not allowed, and the way he talks to some of the staff is just downright rapey honestly. and so we had a rough case this summer who, through the combined efforts of my squad, we got her from a diagnosis of intellectual disability with schizophrenia, nonverbal, self harming all the time, history of physical and sexual abuse, constantly in restraints and on a 1:1 obs level to a new diagnosis of autism spec with ptsd because her “hallucinations” were /flashbacks/ and she ended up very social and verbose and like fucking read william blake for fun and had a great sense of humor and was off all special observations and had a transfer to another facility pending so she could get more 1:1 long term therapy, and the creepy doctor was covering her case while her actual doc was out of town and he rode all the way to the other hospital with her which is another thing you do not do, and we found out from a coworker that she is now a /2:1/ [two staff members within arm’s reach 24/7], self harming again, in full shutdown/meltdown mode, and nonverbal. and it was such a rapid deterioration that all of us lost sleep over the possibility that this creepy doctor might have done something because even after she was at the other hospital and therefore no longer our pt, /he kept going to see her/. which fucked us up a lot because we were the ones who worked so hard for so long with her. like even the thought of it.

recently had 25th birthday so naturally had a crisis about that because i’d always said my goal was to be out of memphis by 25 and yet here we are. 

another of our fave pts, esp one of /my/ fave pts, died out of literally nowhere. the day before my birthday. so that was great.

also felt really surreal to see the news about the convictions in the holly bobo case, which i found out about when one of my coworkers was reading the news on his phone during a lull one night i forgot that to him and everyone else it’s a national news story [hell it even has its own wikpedia page] but to me it’s just /holly/ because she was /in the class above me in our nursing program/. my first semester in college i remember seeing her face on missing posters on every building on campus. so it was really a weird moment of dissociation for me. glad the motherfucker was found guilty on all charges, obv. 

the tech of mine who got his skull slammed into the floor, the one who’s been out with what can only be called severe psychological trauma, is supposed to be coming back the third week in october. which i just. i mean i’m glad because he’s one of our best guys, but i’m also like /why the fuck would he come back/ because he could be a fucking english professor again. motherfucker spent part of his youth growing up in italy and montreal, lived on the west coast for years, /was/ a college professor, did time as a script doctor in LA, and was a fucking thriller novelist who just gone girled himself for whatever reason and ended up working with us. there’s literally a reddit thread asking if anyone knows what happened to him and i want to be like don’t worry it’s fine he works with me. but so we’re like why would you come back to this place after what happened to you when you have so many other options available to you????? what are you running from that makes you so desperate to keep centering your life around a locked acute psych ward???? why did you gone girl yourself to begin with??? like he was screwed up enough there for a while that he wasn’t even answering his calls or texts and our boss had to send the police to do welfare checks on him because he lives alone so it’s like man why not go back to the life you had before and /get away from all of this/ it’s not like my situation where i’d rather be living a different life but have never done so, he already has the foundation because he’s already lived a different life he has an in that i don’t have and i can’t for the life of me figure out why he thinks working as an acute pysch tech is the better option. 

but i mean. we /do/ call our unit the hotel california for a reason.

[crimewizards]

im feeling weird. my little sibling has been seeing a gender therapist and wants to be called elliot and be referred to as my brother and its just

weird

like, i saw this coming, and was sort of expecting a name change somewhere along the line, and if he asks in time he might be able to get puberty blockers or something, but i still feel odd. maybe its because this is someone ive known my whole life?? like, ive watched this kid grow up. im responsible for like, most of this kids mannerisms. its something weve discussed here and there, with both his gender and my own, and it didnt feel this way when a school friend transitioned. again, maybe its because this is a person ive known for 13 years (his whole life) instead of three or four (school friend)

its gonna take some getting used to, yeah, and its probably good that hes doing this now, since the school years about to start up, so everyone can get used to it.

while i was away, i was talking about my sibling (brother?) with a friend, and referred to him as “they” and he (the friend) stopped me and just asked “(name) is a they?” and i didnt really know what to answer. i said something along the lines of “its something were trying” but felt embarrassed for some reason, because he (bro) has been going by “he” in our house for a few weeks now.

like immediately my mind went to “what nickname can i give him” because im so used to a one or two syllable nickname and he said “eli” would be a good one, but i feel like the harsh “ee” in “eli” doesnt fit the “eh” sound in elliot. i was thinking about “ell” or something like that, and momentarily toyed with the idea of “lio” just to see how hed react. i havent gotten a chance to employ this, he dropped the bomb on us (see: me (i was the only one who didnt know)) about twenty minutes ago.

i dont even know what spelling of elliot he wants to use but im like relatively sure it comes from billy elliot, which he recently saw at the theater company i worked with this summer.

when i found out that my school friend was a trans guy, wanted to go by ‘he’ instead of ‘they’ (previously genderfluid) about a year ago, i found out through tumblr and i didnt know why he didnt tell me through a text or something. i asked him about it when the school year started, and weve all gotten used to it at this point. hed already been going by his chosen name for a good 8 months by that point, so that was no hard switch.

weve been calling my bro a more masculine version of his given name for a while now, so this is going to be a strange transition (ha) phase for us. and he fully understands if we slip up and hes totally okay with it, he knows that everyone makes mistakes and its all generally okay, but were going to our uncles wedding next week so were trying out the name and seeing how he likes it or if he wants to go by something else or just permanently go by the short masc version of his given name.

so, yeah. thats whats going on now i guess. i know im going to have to bring it up with my therapist the next time i see her, but that wont be for a little while bc were (again) going to my uncles wedding (in colorado) and i wont be able to go to my usual appointment. by the time we get back, itll probably have just been after the first day of school, so im going to have a lot to unpack by that point, and im not sure that ill remember by then. i may have gotten used to it in two weeks. i dont want to go to colorado, i just got home from scotland, i want to stay home.

ive been stressed lately and fighting down some sort of meltdown for a few days now. mentioned to my therapist that i unhealthily fought it down on friday and brushed off when friends asked if i was okay over dinner, bc i didnt know how to answer. we had just seen a show at that point about mental health with a character who constantly said “im fine” when she wasnt and im worried that theyll think that im emulating her instead of the first character whos depressed and has mad agoraphobia and anxiety. like, see me as him, not as the girl who has full on meltdowns in public (oh wait)   so theres all that. im worried im going snap at friends when the school year starts. im worried im going to lose people again. i havent finished my summer reading, kids are going to be looking up to me, im going to start applying for colleges and havent really written an essay yet. i dont know if im ready to go back to school, but at the same time i am, because i need structure in my life to function properly. itll be good for me.

this summer has been really good, actually. ive got my name on a real, actual program as the real actual costume designer, i finished editing my music video today, i went and performed in the edinburgh fringe festival with people i love, some whom ive known for five years, my uncles getting married, and his fiancee is one of the coolest people ive met. shes a total hippie/witch, bought me black candles, and we welcomed her into the family really quickly. shes going to be a great addition. 

theres still a lot of important conversations that i need to have, but im relatively happy with where i am. and ive been like?? rationalizing with mental health in an okay way. i thought id have one of those convos last week and didnt, but things were still moving forward. i feel like this is the happy point in the post, so i cant get super dramatic and say i want to die and have been telling myself i cant yet because ive got shit to do first. i dont have a plan, dont worry, its just one of those invasive thoughts that i push away and that only come out when im really stressed or being super dramatic. lmao looks like i got dramatic anyway.

this post was supposed to end four paragraphs ago. i know there are people looking out for me. im looking out for them too. its going to be okay, things are just changing. im just having a little trouble with that, i guess.

kudos if youve made it this far. i know its a lot of rambling, but i needed to get my thoughts down. if youve read this and you know me irl/have my number/go to school with me, dont contact me about this. im shouting into the void, essentially.

thats all from me. catch ya later