#i feel like i overthought this one to the point of it being very distant from the prompt

[nevlartery]

28. Terror

[ID: A black and white sketch of Damian as Robin petting a cat on a doorstep]

[all-of-the-imagines-for-eve]

Touchy ~ Embry Call

A/n: MY BABYYYYYYYYYYY!

Request: "Okay here we go! Can I please get a Embry x imprint reader where she’s super affectionate and is always holding a part of Embry or sitting on him. The pack teases her a lot and she gets kinda self-conscious so she stops hanging on Embry. And he thinks that she’s scared of him but she ends up telling him what’s wrong. And the end is supper fluffy and Embry kicks their asses ! Lmao sorry if this is too much! ❤️❤️" by @sweetkiitty

A/n: I'm so sorry this is late. I got... distracted... blame Cameron Monaghan.

MASTERLIST

"Hey guys!" The boys in their usual places around Emily's table all looked up, smiling at the familiar voice.

No smile stretched further than Embry Call's though. He went to move to the girl who'd spoken, but she came in. "Hey babe." She tucked into his side, her arms wrapping around his waste as his arm went over her shoulders.

"Hey." She looked around, greeting each of the other pack members with one nod at a time. When she finished her quick trail, her gaze returned to Embry. "I miss anything?"

"Other than Embry?" Quil jabbed softly. Jared snorted next to him.

Feeling my face growing warm, I rose an eyebrow. What was wrong with missing my boyfriend? He met my gaze evenly so I looked away, feeling suddenly self conscious. "Nothing much," Embry answered, reaching over to shove Quil playfully.

Recently the boys had been making lots of comments like that. Wolf whistling when we got too close or pulled away from the others or headed out for the night. Making kissy noises any time we kissed- even if it was just on the cheek or forehead. They were relentless and never missed a moment, which they never did because Embry often had you on his mind at all times... even when he was a wolf and the others could tune into every brain train he hopped on.

At first it had been fun. I flaunted my ability to kiss Embry, grabbing him and making out with him anytime they began their teasing. They'd get worse for a second and then retreat and it would end there. But then they got braver Quil would squirm between us or Paul would hoot and holler until we stopped, getting louder as time passed. Jared would laugh so hard that he sounded like a hyena and their prodding and poking was starting to get to me.

Were they annoyed with me? Did they want me to be less affectionate? Was I making them uncomfortable? Were they trying to hint that I was doing something wrong, but I wasn't picking up on it? It wouldn't be the first time I'd been oblivious to even the most obvious clues. Just ask Embry what it was like getting me to date him.

Embry didn't seem to mind basking in the attention of the others or flaunting our relationship. He seemed to have no plans on backing off or calming down and often moved to me or pulled me closer if I tried to put some space between us. He was enthusiastic with affection. He could also occasionally read the other boys' minds and he'd back off if it was really bothering them. He wasn't just a good boyfriend- he was a good friend too. Silly and adorable and fun and lighthearted, but respectful. His mom had made sure of it.

So what was up?

"Hey, you okay Sweetheart?" I blinked and refocused on Embry as his question pulled me from my thoughts and back into reality.

Putting on a smile, I looked around to see that the others were distracted, but a few kept stealing looks. Perhaps I'd made an odd face or they'd been trying to talk to me. Oops. Embry's voice was quiet, trying to check on me without drawing too much attention. Even though the others could still hear, I kept my voice quiet as well. "Yeah. Sorry, got some things from school on my mind. Just homework.Upcoming test. The usual." He nodded and relaxed, looking back to his friends.

I reintegrated back into the conversation and soon we were all laughing and having a great time. At one point my fingers found their way into Embry's short hair, switching between fiddling with the strands and lightly running my nails against his scalp. He adored both actions and was slowly relaxing more and more underneath me. I thought it was lowkey, but Paul looked over at us with a huge smirk.

"Careful- get any louder and you'll be moaning." He winked at Embry, who snickered. My hand immediately dropped from his hair. Embry's shoulders sagged in disappointment. Embry wasn't aroused- from my position on his lap I would have felt it. Surely Paul wouldn't have said something if there wasn't something to be said though. I hadn't meant to mess with him in front of his friends. He wouldn't have said anything either, with them so in ear shit. Damnit.

"Do you guys ever part?" Jared teased a little later. We'd moved for Paul who had to go take care of some business and everyone had temporarily parted from their partner at some point to allow him to get through since he was chair locked in the corner, except for me and Embry who'd sort of just pressed closer together to make more room behind us. I hadn't really actively noticed it until Jared said something.

"Nah," Quil drawled, his smirk growing. "If she moves then we'll all see his massive boner."

"Shut up!" Embry laughed,rolling his eyes,

Emily stood, smiling. "Let me through now. It's getting late, I need to get dinner ready."

Seeing my chance, I jumped off of Embry's lap and began to trip over myself to follow her. "Let me help!"

Everyone got an odd look, especially Emily. She was very particular about cooking and we'd all resigned to just letting her do it herself since she usually ended up doing so anyway. "I'm fine," she assured softly.

"I'll do whatever you say, promise." I shot her a desperate look I prayed no one else saw. She didn't know why, but she saw my need immediately and nodded. I followd after her into the kitchen. I felt Embry's eyes on my all the way.

Maybe I was being annoying, in some way or another. I hadn't been in any other relationship. My family was small and it had been a relief when my parents got divorced. I had no idea how people who were happy together acted and it showed far too often. I could give Embry space for a little. Get the guys off his back. Off of mine as well.

Emily asked what was wrong but I brushed it away and she let it drop. For now. This wasn't a big deal. I couldn't overthink it. So I didn't.

I quickly failed and overthought the hell out of it.

What kinds of intimacy should I limit around other people? Were short kisses still okay? Loving staring contests? How much should I pull myself from touching him? Should I hang out with him less? Let him just hang out with other people less? For how long? Should I just take a break, or should I learn how to bother him with my presence less? Perhaps I was too needy and needed to calm down in general.

Why was this so hard?

Short story even shorter, it didn't take Embry a long time to notice my odd activity. After spending every second of every day I was allowed to, attached to him in some way or another, my forced distance and the awkward way I. Was handling him was obvious and painful. After a whole day of me just not touching him because I was hyper overthinking, he finally reached out for me. I tried to find a middle but I was an extreme person. Being allover him was easy. So was not touching him at all. I could set a clear line and rules and not cross them. Where did you step when it was all grey though and you had to make precise movements? Lines that shaped boxes were solid and dark for a reason. It was impossible to navigate without the star difference and clear paths.

Finally, Embry snapped. He found me during lunch one day and pulled me aside, his face clouded with far too many emotions. Fear; guilt; worry; confusion. Maybe more I couldn't quite place. None of them made sense. "Are you okay?"

"Never been better." A white lie. The teasing had died down and I definitely felt better about myself, but I was also massively anxious and craving Embry's touch and it was driving me just a little mad.

He rose an eyebrow. "Are... we okay?" The fear and worry rose a little and suddenly all the buried confusion that left his face rose to my own.

"So far as I know."

He pursed his lips.We seemed to be at an impasse, unsure how to approach a problem neither of us were sure the exact shape of. See? Back at this gray in between kind of there kind of not line again. Things needed to be straight forward! This was ridiculous!

"You've been distant lately," he started slowly, allowing me time to process and jump in whenever.

I shrugged. I felt extremely self conscious. What was I just saying about being straight forward? Geez I was a mess. "Um... I figured maybe you and the guys wanted me to back off a little?"

Embry's face was wiped of all expression, a new one taking place of all of them: surprise. "Why would you ever think that?"

Now I felt silly. "Uh, I don't know." I looked away, shuffling. "The guys' relentless teasing, I guess. They seem to be really annoyed by my neediness and I was thinking maybe they were acting like that because they were uncomfortable. I know I've been stealing you from Quil a lot recently, and distracting you during hang outs. I thought maybe you were secretly feeling smothered and were too nice to say anything." He looked absolutely bewildered and I scrambled to make sense of it. "I just- it seemed that they were hinting at something very strongly, because that's usually the level someone reaches when I'm missing something big. Constantly doing the same thing, repeating certain words or phrases, long eye contact and pointed looks..." My voice faded out.

Embry began grinning brightly, his hands reaching up to cup my face. "You dork. They're all very affectionate, and they can't rough house and play around like they could with me, so they made a different approach. You're kind of like one of the guys- really fun and energetic. Down to go out and do things. They still haver to be super careful though, so that... friendship, I guess, shows up in what they can do: they tease. A lot." He blushed. "They thought it would be fine after you started to retaliate and laugh along with us."

My hands rose to cover my face as realization dawned on me. "I'm such an idiot."

Embry began laughing as he reached up to pull them away. "Don't hide that pretty face from me." He leaned down, pressing a little kiss to the tip of my nose. My anxieties melted away and I couldn't help but done a sweet smile. "At least you're my idiot."

I shoved him and he allowed it to have impact for my benefit. "You jerk!" We both began laughing before moving close again, him pulling me under his arm and into his side.

"You know, you keep being sassy and retaliating with that amazing confidence you have, and I'll beat them up for you, yeah? You can cheer me on."

Little giggles rolled from me. "I'd love that."

Embry kept his promise. The next time we were with the others we unabashedly cuddled and kissed and touched each other being as heavy with PDA as usual. Quil started up first, oohing and aweing. Paul started up with the whistling and even Jake joined in with the kissy noises. Jared ignited that usual laugh, making suggestive gestures in an effort to make me blush or become awkward.

Embry gave a huge sigh and moved to them, leaving me behind in the chair. He played it casual until he got close to Quil, who started it. He then hooked his friend under his arm in a head lock. The boys began rough housing; thankfully, we were already outside so Emily didn't have to worry about it.

People started making bets as the two laughing boys began to get rough. Jared and Paul cheered and Jake came over, throwing an arm around me. "Hey I just wanted to say... sorry." He gave me a small smile. "I know Embry's been worried about you for the last while and since this-" he motioned to Quil and Embry. "-is a thing, I assume it's their fault. They won't apologize, but they really don't mean any harm."

I grinned. "You know, I think I'm catching on. Boys are idiots."

We both laughed before he nodded and admitted, "Yeah. We really are. Especially when it comes to girls we have feelings for, or girls our friends have feelings for."

I grinned so wide it hurt, my face red and radiating heat. It was like having a whole gang worth of brothers. Maybe I'd been embarrassed before, but now I was so glad to have each and every one of them. It wasn't just me- we were all idiots. That's what made us so very, very fun.

What made us family.

"You think Embry or Quil will win?"

Jake shot me a devious grin. "Money's totally on Quil."

I smirked. "You're on." I ran ahead a little so Embry could hear when I screamed, "KICK HIS ASS BABE!"

The boys all erupted into laughter around me.

It was absolutely perfect.

-

Forever Tag List: @bitchyseawitch @alexa-playafricabytoto @chipster-21 @captainxmikaelson @justanotherdaydreamersoul

[occasionaltouhou]

good news! it’s been two months since i got this message and i don’t actually remember what your other message was since i deleted it shortly after you sent this one (i do remember not thinking it was that bad until you pointed it out so like, don’t even worry about it)

anyway, here’s some reimari soup. hope you enjoy!

It was a question that she’d been asked many times before; in fact, sooner or later, everyone that she met asked it.

She’d been asked it by humans and by youkai. Sometimes she’d been asked by people she’d expected to be far more discerning, and yet -- well, what was her answer? She supposed that her unsatisfying answer was why.

Because it was hard to pin down, after all. She could say any number of things, but in the end, the question eluded any kind of simple answer.

And here it was, once more.

---

This time it came from one of the two goddesses who’d caused the Perfect Possession incident, Yorigami Joon. She’d been (apparently) working hard at the Myouren Temple, but part of the arrangement was that she would also help to tidy up after the mess she and her sister had caused.

Now her sister had begun to cause another mess with the delinquent celestial, Joon seemed to be spending more time at the Hakurei Shrine than at the Myouren Temple as she assisted the Shrine Maiden’s efforts. And, like so many before her, she’d noticed that whenever Reimu set out to solve whatever problems were being caused, she would invariably be accompanied by another girl.

And like so many before her, she thought she’d clear things up, and simply ask.

“So what’s the deal with you two, anyway?”

---

It would have been easy enough -- and obvious, for that matter -- to say that they were together. Was that enough? Somehow, though, that didn’t feel quite right. Obviously they were together, but…

Reimu had known Marisa since they were both young; since before she was the Hakurei Shrine Maiden, and was still learning about the spiritual powers she would inevitably have to master; since shortly after the youngest child of the Kirisame family vanished into the Forest of Magic, never to return home.

She had been her first friend; the Shrine was so distant that few people visited, and until Marisa, no-one ever stayed for very long. Marisa stayed over all the time, travelling between the Shrine and the Forest of Magic according to her whims. And gradually, Reimu had allowed Marisa to guide her around Gensokyo outside of the limits of her training; the young magician enthusiastically showing her all the bizarre sights she had discovered within the Forest of Magic.

She had brought her to Kourindou, too, and even into the village sometimes; opening up the reclusive Shrine Maiden to all sorts of new people. It was only from Marisa that she even really learnt how to talk to people -- to expand the periphery of her vision beyond what she had been taught.

She wondered, as she grew older, how her mother, and the other Shrine Maidens, had dealt with it; but her memories of her mother were those of a person who was never close, but instead always careful to keep her distance from those around her, even her own child. She was glad, then, that she hadn’t had that same closed existence.

And of course, as they grew older, they developed new feelings for each other, and for others, but it wasn’t like those feelings replaced the ones that were already there; they simply built atop an existing foundation, another layer of the myriad bonds that connected the two. So somehow, a single word answer felt… lacking.

Not that that would ever stop Marisa.

---

Whilst Reimu was thinking, Marisa grinned confidently, as she always did. “We’re partners, of course!”

Marisa had a certain confidence about her that allowed her to say anything with ease. She distilled the complexities of their relationship into that single word without hesitation. But it was lacking, too. “Partner” simply implied that they worked together, or collaborated together. Which was true, but it was barely sufficient. They were more than simply partners, after all.

Marisa had once, after a particularly heated party, asked to marry her. She’d refused; there were certain expectations that came with being the Shrine Maiden. The next morning, Marisa had forgotten all about it. Sometimes, when her thoughts wandered in this direction, she wondered…

Would that be it, then? Would that be the connection that bound them together? But the idea of marriage in Gensokyo was informal outside of the village. It, too, felt too rudimentary. And perhaps it would simplify things too much.

But what did you call someone that you’d known all your life, who had opened up your world, who you owed your very world to? What did you call someone who was your world?

“Partners?”

“Yeah, partners. We’re always together, y’know?”

“Still though, partners…” Joon mused over the word for a moment, and then glanced at the still-thinking Reimu. “Y’know, somehow that doesn’t just fit. Maybe it’s just ‘cause I know what it’s like, but really, you act more like--”

It was strange, really. Reimu rarely overthought things; rarely worried about things; but somehow this was important. Not because she wanted people to get the wrong impression or anything -- she truly did love Marisa, after all -- but because she wanted to get it right; she wanted to be sure that whatever she decided upon encapsulated the depths of her feelings, and the broadness of those feelings -- the childhood friend who’d shown her youkai tracks in the woods, the person who’d sat and helped her cook and clean and mend her clothes when her mother was gone, the person who joked and laughed, who came up with the wildest schemes and never failed to see them through, who followed her on every incident, and competed with her to complete them first; the person who, without fail, had always been there for her.

Marisa was a lot of things. Perhaps this was the easiest way to tie them all together.

“Family, yeah.” Reimu smiled, and took a small drink of her tea, as Marisa sighed. “After all this time, I don’t know what else you’d call it.”

[infpisme]

Why INFPs May Stay in Bad Relationships (and How to Get Out)

In life, heartbreak is inevitable, at least at some point. What is preventable, though, is staying in a relationship that doesn’t resonate with you and doesn’t make you truly happy.

I’ve had my fair share of relationships and modern dating. It’s tough. It’s fun. It can be beautiful — but it can also hurt very deeply, especially for people who feel as much as INFPs do.

As an INFP who has stayed in a few toxic relationships for too long, here are some lessons I’ve learned the hard way.

We See the Best in People (Sometimes an Imaginary Best)

I once read a quote that said: “Never fall in love with someone’s potential, because you could be falling in love with someone they’ll never be.” For INFPs and others like us, this is a huge danger zone.

INFPs are idealists. We see future possibilities rather than present realities. When we meet someone — and we feel a connection — it can be immensely difficult for us to take them at face value. We think about them in great detail, potentially filling in gaps of character knowledge with what we would like them to be, and daydreaming about what we could do together in the near (and even distant) future.

We can become so immersed in who we think this person is, and who we want them to be, that we may ignore incongruities in this person’s character. I think this stems from the fact that we believe all people are inherently good — I still believe this, even after two toxic relationships. However, some people’s intentions are not so honest.

I have an unfortunate, perhaps cliched habit of going for bad boys. Maybe it’s part of being the “healer” personality, but I am your typical “fixer.” It’s sweet in theory, but it’s detrimental to my own wellbeing.

I have been guilty of staying in relationships that are not right for me because I saw the imaginary best in a person — clinging to our best moments and ignoring huge, waving red flags. For example: lying, poor communication, drug abuse, narcissism, even infidelity.

We May Accept Others to the Point That We Neglect Our Own Needs (Then Blow Up)

This leads swimmingly to my next lesson. Many INFPs believe in the concept of “live and let live.” This can make us great, understanding partners, but what happens when the person we’re with doesn’t treat us how we want and need to be treated?

We hate conflict, so that’s usually a painful no-go. Then there’s swallowing our emotions and trudging along while not feeling truly happy. I’m sure we’ve all done this at some point, regardless of our Myers-Briggs personality type. My best friend — an ESFJ — used to say that I was “a passive acceptor of torment” about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He did things that — when I look back — simply made me sad: messaging other women, lying, poor communication.

These things made me feel hurt and uncomfortable. But, rather than own the fact that they made me uneasy, I instead tried to push my feelings to the side, thinking I was overreacting or being needy.

I was so accepting of who he was as a person that I excused behavior that didn’t sit right with me, and stayed in a relationship that made me sad for far too long. I overanalyzed and ruminated, trying to understand his side, and let his behavior be okay with me.

But then, every little incident would feel like a tiny increase on the thermometer, until suddenly I reached my boiling point and blew up. Of course, he thought I was acting “crazy,” completely unaware of all the slights along the way that had led to this point.

If You’re in a Relationship That Makes You Uneasy, Don’t Ignore That Feeling

Both traits tie together in a way: We see what we want to see, and we accept and try to empathize with what hurts us. This is why I’ve stayed in bad relationships, despite anxiety and unhappiness.

What I have started doing is listening more to my gut. INFPs have very strong belief systems that we use to navigate the world. However, when love comes into play, our internal compasses may go askew, and we might even stop listening to our instincts.

In past bad relationships, I felt completely, totally anxious. There were highs of immense fun, but my baseline was unsettled. I felt drained, I overthought a lot, and I wasn’t happy. But I ignored those feelings and continued to hope for the best.

Some things I used to say to myself:

“It’s just the way they are. I need to relax.” (I never felt relaxed.)

“It’s just me — I’m sensitive and asking for too much.” (Why did I put my needs in the backseat?)

“I should not have said that, now they are mad at me.” (But they weren’t making me happy in the first place!)

The things I said to myself simply caused more pain. They stopped me from saying how I felt to my significant other — a person who wasn’t a good match for me regardless — and kept me in the bad relationship when I should have ended it. 

Moving Forward: Create the Life You Want to Live

At the end of the day, INFPs are dreamers. We have colorful visions and idealistic dreams of the life we want to live. We’re at our happiest when our imagination is powering us forward and enriching our real lives.

When I finally left my ex, it’s because I had been working on using my dreams and imagination to supercharge my life. I started focusing on myself and boosting my self-confidence. As I did this, the idealistic halo I had unintentionally placed on my ex’s head fell off, and I realized the way he was treating me and his opposing values weren’t what I wanted.

If you’re an INFP who thinks you might be in a bad relationship, it’s time to take action. First, I would recommend trying to view your partner without the rose-tinted spectacles we INFPs so readily wear. This can be tricky, I know, but it’s important to take stock of the realities of your situation (and not pen your hopes of what could be).

Some things to consider: 

Does my partner make me feel safe and comfortable to be myself?

Do I trust them? 

Do my partner’s actions truly match their words?

If you answered no to one or more of the above questions, then you might be in a situation where your idealism (which you must remember is a wonderful gift, but one that must be channeled and nurtured) is blocking your view of reality. Look into yourself and ask, “Am I really in love with this person — as they are, right now? Am I happy with how they treat me, or am I holding onto the idea of what could be?” 

I can’t tell you to leave a relationship — it isn’t my place. But I do want you to be aware of your idealism, and make sure it doesn’t pull the wool over your eyes. Self-esteem and confidence also play a huge role. Listen to your inner dreams and pursue them in actuality. This can go a long way to keep INFPs grounded in reality. 

Once you can see your partner without an idealistic halo, you’ll know within yourself what the best next step should be — be it a conversation, some inner work on self-esteem, or perhaps even ending the relationship for good. 

Remember, relationships should feel like blessings, not curses. The bottom line is, in a healthy relationship, your baseline feeling shouldn’t be stress. Of course, no relationship is perfect, but stress should not be the predominant emotion.

Why be with a partner who brings out the worst in you? Who makes you feel like your intuition is off kilter? Who makes you feel like you are asking for too much, when all you want is to give and receive love?

INFP, you deserve the love you so freely give to others.

Source: Olivia Berkley, IntrovertDear

[foundouthatdabiistouyatodoroki]

Explaining Dabi’s Bio

To be honest  I wasn’t actually expecting anything relating to Dabi to come I thought was Horikoshi is going to skip Dabi like he does with the other times when ever Dabi appeared in the manga. But when volume 25 came around we got his bio, I was completely ecstatic to receive Dabi’s profile though there was little info on his bio It didn’t disappoint. Finding out even a little bit about Dabi helps to learn about his character.

We didn’t get to learn Dabi’s age and real name we didn’t learn anything about Dabi other than his birthday and height. My hunch on this is this can all harken back to him being Touya Todoroki. His age and real name would reveal Dabi being Touya, the older brother of Shoto and the oldest Todoroki sibling.

I am going to go over Dabi’s profile and what it has to do with him in this post.

Dabi’s birthday is January 18, Dabi is born seven days away from Shoto. This puts a damper to the entire twin theory but wait! Look!

The 18th in Japanese is written 十八日 If broken apart in japanese it goes like this “To,(十)” being 10 and “ya,(八)”  being 8. If you read the kanji with the same kun spelling its written like this

When read like this it's pronounced “Touya.” This is a possible hint to his true identity being Touya.

Another thing to mention: Dabi born in the month of January which makes him a Capricorn. Despite knowing very little about Dabi (since his motives are left in the air), he has several traits relating to Capricorns. If you take an in-depth analysis of the Capricorn in Dabi’s character, there's a lot that matches Dabi’s personality.

Let’s go over with the star sign Capricorn and what it has to do with Dabi:

Capricorns are winter signs. They are... cold, serious, practical, grounded with unbreakable convictions. Capricorns are the most level headed of the star signs. They keep their cool in a crisis they rarely panic in drastic situations. Capricorns are traditional. They care more about the rules, have a set of values and principles they follow and are intolerant to others when they don’t. They are patient and plan things step by step very carefully. Capricorns plan long term goals and wait. Capricorns are cautious not reckless are careful and won’t take risks unless they know the pros and cons before they take action. Capricorns are focused individuals and really serious out all the signs are ambitiousness and completely passionate to reach their ambition when it comes to their convictions. Capricorns do whatever it takes to achieve their goals. They don’t care about the means on how they do it as long as it gets them closer to the success of achieving it. Capricorns will not share their true thoughts easily unless they have to. They are closed mouth when it comes to sharing info and withheld important information to themselves from others for their own gain. They are very resourceful. They work with the tools that are given to them. They are hardworking when it comes to reach that ambition to the point. They're considered workaholics which caused them to be detached from their surroundings. Capricorns keep their distance from others to complete their convictions. Though they appear cold on the surface that is merely an image they project: deep down they have a tender sentimental heart kept hidden under a harsh exterior. Capricorns put up walls around themselves to guard their tender hearts from other people. They may seem unemotional on the surface, but underneath they are driven and determined to set out to complete their goals. They are introverts seen as a wallflower in larger groups, in which they feel that they are out of their element. One thing Capricorns are is that they are loyal. Capricorns are family-oriented: they love being around people they love and are incredibly loyal to them they are willing to happily bend over backwards for the people they love this trait  is what makes them great friends and family members. They will distance themselves from said family if a member is perceived to be violent and harmful. A negative trait a Capricorn has its that they are unforgiving. They are serious about grudges to the point of vengeance. If you cross one you would never make it back to a Cawpricorn’s good side. They will hold grudges on others behalf (this part shows just how loyal they are to their loved ones). There’s no changing a Capricorn's mind once it’s made up.

Dabi is cool,serious and aloof. He’s the most serious minded out of all of the LOV, as seen in his deamanor in the missions that are given and the LOV activities in Smash. He’s grounded when he’s dealing with the LOV shenanigans and gets exasperated at their antics in Smash. Dabi may not have ambitions, but he has unbendable convictions. He's very determined to set out to complete his goals no matter the cost; he's so focused on completing his objectives that he has detached from other people to complete his goals.

That's something I noticed in Dabi’s character: that he has a conviction that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to achieve. Dabi working for a villain organization is proof of that the didn’t care about what the means are as long as he completed his objective.

Dabi’s cool headed whenever he’s in drastic situations you can argue that he’s indifferent to his surroundings but he’s acutely really calm whenever there's a crisis. You rarely see him panic in a given situation.

Dabi looks indifferent and crude however he follows a set of principles and values the LOV don’t. Dabi uses Stain’s ideals as a foundation he follows to bring down false heroes and wielding power with conviction.

Dabi is incredibly intolerant of other people: he insults those who don’t have any principles or values. Dabi insults Himiko, questions if the LOV follow a just cause, and wonders why the LOV don’t have any principles in the game Ones justice Dabi burns the back alley thugs calls them trash just because they wield power have no ambition in their bodies.

Dabi’s patient and preserving he plans things accordingly and waits for the next move. He was put in charge of the Vanguard action squad by Tomura himself. Dabi is cautious and doesn’t act too recklessly. In the beginning of the raid he tells the members to wait not act just yet. He uses his flames to hide the location of the meeting place when they complete their objectives; despite three casualties he successfully completed the mission in capturing Katsuki. Hawks and Dabi planned the High-End Nomu attack on the city After Endeavor defeated High End, he appeared and said “this isn’t what I planned,” which meant he didn’t think endeavor would defeat High End.

Dabi is careful when he uses his quirk. He knows its weaknesses fairly well and is careful in how he uses it the reason why he was absent in the LOV fight with Gigiatitinmachina for a month is because he’s well aware of the weakness his quirk processes and knows if he uses it too long his flames burn the skin off his body.

Dabi is cautious when it comes to people, as seen when he doubts whether the LOV follow the cause after Himiko’s introduction and didn’t trust Hawks during their partnership.

Dabi is detached to anything in his surroundings to focus on himself and his goals. Dabi is closed mouthed when it comes to sharing info especially details about himself. Capricorns are known for putting a lid on their feelings from others; Dabi keeps things to himself most of the time. He’s tight lipped whenever it comes to details about himself, he brushes off Tomura’s question about his real name, he didn’t share other details about the Nomu to Hawks.

Dabi’s rude and derisive demeanor keeps others at a distance so he would focus on his objective but also puts walls around himself from other people to guard his heart with his cold unemotional sarcastic and detached facade; underneath all that he hides his sentimental side. Dabi’s emotional side that keeps hidden by heavily guarding his heart is seen when he never opens up to the LOV even after he joined. Dabi still put up a distance with them and doesn’t share his true thoughts that easily he keeps himself.

When Dabi remembers Snatch’s words regarding family, he laughs about it while wiping blood from his seam below his eye says with this line “overthought things and kinda snapped there!” When he thinks about Snatch’s words on family some of his emotions flooded out this is where you see a glimpse on his tender heart. We see a personal side of Dabi that he usually keeps hidden.

Even after he joined the LOV, Dabi is seen in the background quietly observing his surroundings with empty eyes though it may seem like he is still being distant with them actually like a capricorn he's not into large groups of people he feels that it’s out of his element he has more a wallflower persona he not someone who prefers large groups of people his introverted nature shows through here.

One thing I read about Capricorns is that their loyalty: but what does loyalty half to do with Dabi?

Dabi might seem loyal to the LOV’s motives but if you look at it differently Dabi uses the LOV for his own gain to complete his goals, much like he does with Hawks. He's loyal to his own interests. Dabi wouldn’t work unless there's something in it for him based on his cooperation is based on those self interests alone. I mentioned before he's using the LOV and Hawks to achieve his own ends even says so to Tomura in Ujiko’s lab that he’s looking out for himself.

Though Dabi has a set of principles based around Stain that he uses in his own set of values. Saying that he's loyal to Stain’s ideals sound no more than an excuse to hide his personal motives. His actions are more personal than what he seems to do.

I believe the part about loyalty has a lot to do with family. If Dabi is Touya this might have more to do with his goal since its related to family. Capricorns are family oriented signs: you can see this similar trait in Ochaco and Shoto, both of whom have motives in becoming  heroes linked to their own families. Ochaco wants to become a hero to financially support her parents ; Shoto’s mother is one of his driving forces in becoming a hero during an All Might interview he watched. Just like Ochaco and Shoto, Dabi’s motives are driven by family. Dabi caring about his family is seen as Touya, he played with his siblings and he was close to Natsuo when he was younger.

Capricorns are unforgiving when someone has wronged them. Once you get on their bad side it's impossible to make it back in their favor this will go to the point of vengefulness. Capricorns will hold grudges on others behalf showing how loyal they are to their loved ones. As I previously talked about, Dabi’s own actions are stemmed from hatred which meant that Dabi’s real objective is to get revenge on Endeavor for abusing him and the rest of his family. Dabi is Touya getting revenge on Endeavor would go hand in hand with the vengeful aspect of the Capricorn. Dabi if Touya doesn’t just only want to get revenge on Endeavor for his suffering but the suffering he put the rest of his family through.  

Capricorns are winter signs, which  might hint that Dabi if Touya has a fire quirk but an ice body.

Another thing I noticed when I was reaching is that this star sign is very complex and contradictory this part would reference Dabi’s entire character in the series. The capricorn having the goat’s torso and the fish tale being both emotional and rational, which says all about Dabi’s character in a nutshell. He claims he is going to fulfill the hero killers will but in reality it's the more in it for himself. Dabi acts cold and logical at the surface but deep down he is emotional and driven. That is what Dabi’s star sign, Capricorn, represents.

Next is Dabi’s height being 176cm. His height bears a striking resemblance to Shoto’s height in his bio.

Dabi and Shoto are foils seen in their bios: their birthdays in the same month with both being capricorn’s, similar height

All this info references Dabi being Shoto’s a villainess parallel, and further hinting at the connection between them.

Last but certainly not least Dabi’s favorite thing is put under as unknown. In MHA, the characters likes in their bios say something about their personality, quirk, and role in the story. Shoto for example his favorite thing is Soba noodles (the kind that aren’t hot).

Soba noodles comes in both hot and cold reference to his quirk half hot half cold. Shoto only liking them it cold referenced on how he favors using the ice side of his quirk, and soba being a traditional Japanese food also refers to Shoto being a traditional Japanese character in design.

Dabi’s favorite things are put under as unknown this further exemplified the mystery of Dabi’s character and further correlates to the mystery he has and his essence being hard to grasp for the audience.

What do you think of Dabi bio does it match with his character? Is there anything I left out?Something I forgot to mention in this post? If you think feel free to put here in the post.

[werewolfscientist]

Total Word Count; 1171

Description; Wilson’s loneliness and lycanthropy have him confused sometimes. Some time after meeting up with survivors to form a group, a random sentence gives him clause for alarm. He’s not sure if it’s a good thing to focus on... Sometimes you need to ask a friend.

(Honestly I just love Wilson and Willow interacting as siblings, and they seem like two who would just hang out when they aren’t busy. Plus I tend to fixate on a select few characters.)

Under Cut For Those Who Don’t Like Ao3

At first Wilson thought it was just the lack of contact that made him so excited about the growing group of survivors. Finally, others he could talk to and relate to! Mostly. There were occasions such as when he and Woodie would argue on the moral status of birds, or he’d yell in frustration at Webber’s spider collection wandering in. Mostly, though, the group’s presence made him feel so much better. It never really bothered him until a passing comment from Miss.Wickerbottom started his questioning.

Everyone at the camp knew of the strange things about one another; such as Wendy’s not quite gone sister, Maxwell’s whispering book of dastardly magicks, both Woodie and Wilson’s supernatural statuses. It would be impossible to not notice Woodie’s snacking on twigs or Wilson’s mild stress induced transformations. Especially since he was so poor at managing his sanity, even though he’d been in the Constant the third longest after Maxwell and Charlie.

So naturally, he eventually heard comment on wolves from Miss.Wickerbottom. She was a blessing to talk to at times since she could provide a scientific mind to help him judge his theories and thoughts with less... Bias. It always was an issue he had and she wasn’t afraid to point it out; making him feel much like a child caught with their hand in a cookie jar.

Regardless, they had been talking and he mentioned how he felt so much better in the presence of a group. Wickerbottom said, so casually that it wouldn’t normally be so world shattering, something along the lines of, ‘Canis Lupus are rather social pack creatures’. Wilson couldn’t actually remember word for word but it boiled down to that.

It was so brief that he hadn’t thought much about it at the time; but as the days passed it itched at his skull and wouldn’t let go, much like a flea. He couldn’t help but dwell on the past and the present. His thoughts compared himself before and now. Uncertainty slipped in deeply, along with worry strong enough that one day he popped a question balloon at random.

“Am I... Too clingy?” He asked Willow. His fingers fiddled with the hem of his waistcoat, claws plucking at the stitching that use to be so nice. She was certain to be honest enough, especially with how crass she could be at times.

She paused her lighting of a leaf for a moment before continuing, “What’dya mean?”

That was his cue to start pacing while fiddling, even if it wasn’t necessary, “I’m not sure... I was thinking. My lycanthropy makes me look weird, but what if it wasn’t just physical changes? Besides the strange cravings and weird throwing thing.”

Willow’s leaf was set ablaze at this point, and Wilson had already started a bit of a dent in the soft, mushy dirt. It rained not too long ago, and the dirt held the water as if it were long lost family. Wilson kept talking.

“I never liked people very much. Now seemingly suddenly I get upset when everyone leaves me completely alone. There’s weird habits I didn’t use to have. I don’t know how much of it’s from my time here in The Constant, or this curse!”

“Why’s it bother you so much?”

“Well— I, uh... Because that would be bad?”

“Would you really rather be the same as before though? I know I wouldn’t!” Willow’s finger fiddled with the thumb lighter wheel, making the characteristic ‘chhik’ noise.

“...Not really I suppose....” Wilson frowned. He thought back again and the frown deepened. “I might just be being paranoid again. The thought of not being myself scares me enough for it. What if I lose myself or something? Or, or what if I accidentally give it to someone else? I don’t think I could live with that...”

Everything was silent, other than the distant caw of a couple ravens watching them. Worry slipped through Wilson’s skin and soaked him from within.

It took a moment before he noticed Willow’s lighter had stopped making the flicking noise. His strange, pointed ear twitched and turned towards her before he looked over. The worry that he made her scared or upset was for naught. She was simply watching the flame with a look of consideration.

“Do you really think those would happen?” She finally spoke.

“Science says it could.”

“You’ve lasted this long, haven’t ya?” She gestured towards him, “Alone. Well, you aren’t anymore. But, that’s a good thing. What’s started your scare now?”

Wilson ran a hand through his hair a few times as he admitted, “...Miss.Wickerbottom said wolves are social creatures.”

“Really?” Willow’s voice was full of an incredulous tone that Wilson mistook for disbelief of the fact itself, instead of it being the reason.

“Yes. And, I didn’t think much of it at first but then I thought about it more. I thought about it for a long while.” He paused with a blink. Then he chuckled nervously and brushed his hair with a hand again, “Well, not that long actually; she told me that a couple days ago. But it feels like forever ago.”

“Wilson. People are social too.” Willow said, “I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere once. Plus everyone has been alone for who knows how many years.”

Wilson had not considered that at all. As much as he pretended he knew, he didn’t actually know that much about biology, much less people biology— what was it called? Humanology? He couldn’t remember. He was a chemist and a number lover at heart, more than anything. A weird deal giving strange knowledge didn’t help when the Knowledge was fickle, and more like occasional FunFacts™ than actual help. Such as vague ideas of books that were written after his time. He wondered if Lord of The Flies was as interesting as it sounded. It was fun to quote it a little either way. At least he knew more vocabulary words than before, that was always nice.

His wandering mind was brought back to reality by the small ‘awe’ Willow made when her fire finally burnt out. He checked his pockets before offering her one of his ‘favourite sticks’ as he liked to call the remaining sticks in his pocket. Collecting things was fun. She gladly accepted it to continue her burning. It was better than her burning a whole forest.

“Maybe I have overthought one small sentence.” He admitted when the stick left his hand, “I was really worried about something before I was worried about this. I can’t remember what it was, but I probably just shifted the anxiety to this instead.”

Willow gave a shrug in response, “I dunno.”

Neither did Wilson, but that was okay. At least he had people to share his worries to, and stop him from going overboard. Maybe he’ll remember what the original concern was later and think about it.

That night’s full moon was completely forgotten as the two changed the topic to something unrelated that both could agree on.

[bhaalble]

An Invitation- A Post-Trespasser Fic

So people have been showing interest in Sythia and I typed up this drabble forever ago about her being approached by my Inquisitor, Astyth Cadash. I’m always a slut for “returning heroes” and until da4 comes out, post-Trespasser is my playground

However, due to it being Fanfic Author Appreciation Day, I’d like to turn this into an invitation. Write up a drabble about what your warden, your Hawke, your Inquisitor, whoever you feel, is up to in a post-Trespasser world. How they’re dealing with the impending apocalypse (again). Tag me in it! I’ll try and reblog what I can.

So, without any more rambling...

It feels strange to be traveling on her own. The woods feel lonesome somehow without Sera and Dorian’s constant bickering, or Cole’s strange musings, or even Cassandra’s long-suffering sighs. Bull had offered to come with her, and she’d nearly accepted: it had been a long time since the two of them had taken a truly private trip.

But ultimately this was one she needed to take alone.

Almost all of her advisors had been against this, Cullen in particular. “Hero or no, she travels with one of the most well known and dangerous apostates in Thedas, not to mention one to whom you granted the magical knowledge of hundreds of elven mages!”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with your personal encounter with the Warden, would it Commander?” Leliana had said coolly, though her expression had betrayed nothing as she peered over the missive from Harding.

Cullen had said nothing, but lapsed into silence. There was a story there, one Astyth was dying to find out, but she had a feeling nothing good could come of prodding her commander further. “Apostate or no apostate, I’m sure the Hero of Ferelden can’t have much motivation to see me dead. They have as much stake in the threat of Solas as anyone. Not to mention Morrigan is the only expert on eluvians we have any kind of contact with.”

“While I don’t quite share his...fervor” Josephine said, cutting across Cullen’s retort. “I agree with the principle of what the Commander is saying. Warden Tabris is a chess piece too important and too....volatile, to play in private. If we are going to bring her into the fold at this stage, it would be better to extend an invitation for her to come to Val Royeaux. She would be playing in our court, and additionally, she would be publicly lending some credence to our cause that we lost as the Exalted Council. We should-”

“She wouldn’t come, Josie.” Leliana said, putting the map down and straightening up. “Even if I asked personally, she doesn’t like to play politics.” She looked down at Astyth. “I think the plan is a sound one, Inquisitor, and furthermore, I think you should leave as soon as possible. Get away from Orlais for a bit while the talking heads wear themselves out. When you come back, with any luck, Josephine and I will have smoothed a few ruffled feathers, or plucked them. Meantime, Cullen can focus on marshalling the forces we have left.” She looked sidelong at the ex-templar. “Does that sound amenable, Commander?”

Cullen grumbled something seditious under his breath, but since becoming Leliana had become the Divine he had been reluctant to engage in their usual arguing. He heaved a heavy sigh and looked Astyth in the eye. “Its up to you, of course. But I can’t help but feel this will be a waste of resources at best, and an open invitation to something very dangerous, at the worst.”

“Its a risk I’ll have to take.” Astyth said, rolling up the map. “I’ll set out soon. Tell Dennett to have my horse ready.”

And now here she was, trodding through dense woods in the southern end of the Emerald Graves. Despite the Inquisition’s presence in this region, it was clear that this location had been intended to not be found. She had to abandon her horse to even have a hope of navigating these steep paths, and more than one bear skull mounted on a couple of broken pikes didn’t make for the most welcoming of images.

She didn’t know what to feel as she kept climbing. The Hero of Ferelden....she had just joined the Carta when the Blight began, and at the time had been too mired in trying to find her footing in the underworld of Orlais to care for much outside that. After her ill-fated stint with the Legion of the Dead, though, she knew better than anyone what a feat it was that she had accomplished. The versions of the stories that got to the bards of Orlais had no doubt been twisted and embellished, but they had inspired no small curiosity and admiration of her.

And then there were Leliana’s stories. Astyth flattered herself at this point that she had shaped Thedas’ future more than once, but she had nearly always had the full might of the Inquisition at her back. To do all these things with a ragtag force and next to no official recognition....half of them would’ve seemed unlikely. All of them, impossible.

She didn’t know what to expect. Leliana was fond of her, but had more than once described her as difficult to know. Morrigan had pointedly refused to discuss her while she stayed with the Inquistion, and Alistair had done the same (though, likely for very different reasons). 

Bull had always said she overthought things like this. She always countered that it was her job. She had to care about first impressions, about making a connection with people. Whether or not she actually was Andraste’s herald, her truest power came from her ability to inspire others to follow her. She was good at it too. But if it failed now...

There was a sudden thunk of a blade on wood, and she stopped. 

The path wound ahead for a little ways, but she could hear distant voice, and her instincts ultimately led her towards the sound.

“-depends what you’re looking for.” A woman’s voice. A bit out of breath, and punctuated occasionally by further thunks. “Personally, I prefer a little more-” thunk. “Power behind my strikes.”

“Papae says speed is more important.” A boy’s voice. Well, a teenager, likely, based on the cracks. And strangely familiar.

A snort, and another thunk. “Papae can talk about speed when he manages to take down a darkspawn horde on his own.”

She can see them now. A small clearing. A dark-haired boy she realizes with a thrill is Kieran, a bit taller and a little older now. He is playing with a dagger, watching an elven woman with hair so red it seems to glow chop wood. A bit aways she can see a decent sized cabin, smoke coming out of the chimney.

“Mamae, when are you going to say hello to our visitor?” Kieran says, without so much as looking away from the woman. “She’s come awfully far.”

“Visi-” The woman’s head turns, and she catches sight of Astyth.

For a moment, neither of them move. Sizing each other up, perhaps, or maybe the warden is just trying to figure out who she is. She hoists the axe onto her shoulder, casually, but perhaps also an unconscious warning.

Astyth examines her. Her face is etched with crimson vallaslin, an unusual color, so far as she knows. Even more unusual for a non-Dalish elf. Behind the markings, she can see lines starting to appear. She must be in her mid forties, but looks strong and healthy as can be. Her brow furrows a bit as she seems to give up the puzzle in front of her.

“....I’m sorry, can I-”

“Hello Inquisitor.” Kieran says cheerfully, slipping off the tree stump he’d been perched on. 

“Hullo, Kieran” Astyth says, managing a friendly smile towards him before returning her gaze to Sythia. “How is your mother?”

“She is well, but I don’t think she’ll like that you’re here.”

No, I don’t expect she will, she thought to herself.

“Inquisitor?” Sythia Tabris cocks an eyebrow. “Ah. So you’re her then.”

“I am. Astyth Cadash. Its an honor to meet you.” Astyth says, clasping her hands behind her back.

The elf snorts, lowering the axe to the ground. “Don’t know about honor.” She nods to Kieran, who hands her a basket. Tabris crouches to the ground and begins gathering the split wood. “What can I do for you?”

“I was hoping for some guidance, if you had some time.”

“Guidance?” She lifts the now full basket and gets to her feet, and Astyth realizes with a start that one of her legs is a prosthetic. It’s well made, but clearly a little worn. “What guidance could the Inquisition need from me? I’m assuming you know which end of the sword to stick in darkspawn, and as for not pissing off nearly every Ferelden noble, well, I was never much good at that.”

“Have you come about the Wolf?” It shouldn’t startle Astyth as much as it does. She should be used to it from Cole. But the child tilts his head, eyes bright with curiosity. “He’s not here, you know. Sometimes I see him at night, but he flits back and forth so fast I can’t ask him where he intends to be. I don’t think he knows.”

“Kieran,” Sythia says, tone not changing from one of quiet politeness. “Why don’t you go tell your mother we have a guest. I’m sure she has some choice comments she’ll want to prepare in advance.”

The boy doesn’t seem to mind, carefully placing the dagger on the tree trunk and running back to the cabin, leaving just Sythia and Astyth alone in the clearing. The warden nods her head towards the cabin and starts walking, leaving Astyth to catch up.

“I have to say, I was expecting you sooner.” Tabris says. Her gait, Astyth notes, only slightly favors the false leg. Clearly she’s used to it. Much more than she is to her own prosthetic, at least. “When I saw Leliana’s agents doing their best impression of field mice I was expecting a house call from your soldiers the next week at least.”

“Things have...been a bit hectic, of late.” Astyth said, running a hand through her white crop of hair. “As I’m sure you’ve heard.”

The warden nods, placing the wood by a small heap of firewood near the door. “I’ve heard rumors. Something about the apocalypse. The usual.”

“Leliana will be disappointed when I tell her you found her agents that quickly.” She says, handing her wood. Sythia gives her a long look before accepting it and carefully stacking it.

“To be fair, I live with one of the best assassins in Thedas, a child with the soul of an old god, and a pretty good guard dog.” She straightens up. “And Divine Victoria should learn to accept the fact that she has a full plate, and not make more work for herself sending people after me.”

She turns and starts mounting the steps to cabin porch. Astyth notes four chairs, gathered in a circle around a small pit holding the ashes of some long dead fire, and a side table holding books, a whetstone, and a pack of cards. Four chairs....Tabris, Morrigan, Kieran, and the fourth....

“My dear, have you seen my-...ah, company then?” 

A blond elf emerges from the cabin, examining Astyth with an amused glint. He’s handsome, to be sure. The lines around the eyes indicating a wealth of smiles, and his hair falls luxuriantly to his shoulders. Sythia’s shoulders seem to lose a bit of tension just at the sight of him, and she points back to the stump. “If you’re looking for your knife, your son has taken a sudden interest in fighting with speed.”

“We can’t all heft battleaxes, mi amor,” He leans in and pecks her cheek, pulling a smile as bright as it is involuntary from the Hero of Ferelden. “We leave that in your capable hands. Now, this is the Inquisitor, I take it?”

“Master Arainai.” She bows her head in acknowledgment. “Its an honor.”

“‘Master’? Now that I could get used to.” A mischievous grin creeps across his face, which somehow only makes him more dashing. “However, Zevran will do. I assume you have business with my wife? I warn you now, however much need Thedas has of her, it will take some convincing to get us to relinquish her.”

“I have no plans to take Warden Tabris from her home, I can assure you.”

“Mother wouldn’t let her anyways.” Kieran says, poking his head around Zevran’s side.

“Very true.” Zevran says, reaching down to ruffle the boy’s hair. “Now, Kieran, I think its time we give your mothers some privacy while we find something for supper.”

“Can I keep the dagger?”

“Mmm, for now, I think, if only to annoy Mamae.”

The boy giggles, for the moment wholly child, and runs to fetch it. Sythia rolls her eyes and kisses Zevran. “Don’t go too far. As it turns out, these woods are no longer private.”

“Please, when have you known me to be reckless?” He tucks a strand of her hair back, fingers tracing down to linger on a gold earring, a simple gold circle studded with one ruby that Astyth realizes matches one on his own ear. 

“Mm, you’re right, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Sythia says, a faint laugh in her voice.

“I’ll see you soon.” He presses a kiss to her forehead. Then he leans in to whisper something Astyth can’t quite catch. The warden’s face goes red, but suddenly the former Crow is off, guiding Kieran into the woods.

Astyth finds herself missing Bull, for a number of reasons. 

“I-...” Sythia clears her throat and gestures for her to come in, opening the door.

The inside is clean, but hardly spacious. Trinkets and books seem to fill every surface. Some oddities she recognizes (a stuffed nug, an Orlesian mask, a few books she remembers from Dorian’s collection) and others are a mystery (why a rainbow sword?). Every member of this household seems to be some variety of packrat, but regardless, its cozy, with an overstuffed sofa and a fire crackling in a hearth. 

The peace, however, is marred by a clattering of dishes coming from what appears to be the kitchen. The noise is too loud to be accidental, and there are some sharp huffs that Astyth recognizes as Morrigan. 

Sythia looks warily towards the kitchen and gestures to the sofa, holding up a finger to indicate one moment. Astyth decides to take her advice, and her seat as well.

Sythia disappears into the kitchen. The clattering stopped, but is replaced by furious whispers that threaten to become shouting soon enough.

“-taken enough, and if they-”

Sythia’s voice cuts across, gentle and murmuring, until eventually there is silence. Finally, a long heave of a sigh, and Morrigan emerges out of the kitchen like a stormy wind. Sythia is only just behind her but there seems to be some subconscious attempt on Morrigan’s part to shield her from view, as if Astyth might forget she’s there if she can’t see her. “Inquisitor. What an unexpected pleasure.” The sarcasm lingers heavily on the last word, and the apostate’s yellow eyes are crackling with warning.

“Its nice to see you too, Morrigan.” Astyth says, forcing herself to keep her tone light. At other times she had gotten on quite well with the witch, but then, at other times she hadn’t posed a threat to her wife. 

“Before you read off whatever long-winded summons your Chantry has sent you with, let me make it clear from the very start: we are not in the least bit-”

“Morrigan.” Sythia says quietly, slipping a hand through hers and coming along beside her. It’s hard to tell but Astyth thinks she might be a bit amused. “Let’s hear her out before you tear her to pieces at least.”

“I don’t see why.” Morrigan mutters, though her fingers lace instinctively through the elf’s. “It’s more efficient this way.”

“I really am only here to talk” Astyth says. “I do have an offer, but its secondary, if anything. I came here on my own, not as the Inquisitor.” She tries for a wry smile, tilting her head. “At least listen to what I have to say, so I don’t have to admit to Cullen this was the waste of time he thinks it is.”

It’s a cheap attempt, but it does almost seem to give Morrigan pause. That almost pause is enough time for Sythia to guide her into a seat, taking the one next to her. “Well. Can’t have Cullen thinking he’s right about something.” She turns to lock eyes with Astyth, and nods for her to speak.

“So....I’m assuming you’ve heard about my friend Solas then?”

“Bits and pieces. And Morrigan’s been noticing something’s off with the eluvian.”

“And when exactly did you find the time to pry into my notes?” Morrigan grumbles as she sits back. Clearly intending to endure this conversation with as little grace as possible, if she must endure it at all. Sythia only smirks and doesn’t respond to it.

“In any case, I’d like to hear your version of events.” 

“.....well, in order to understand it....I’d think you’d have to understand Solas.” Astyth says. Fingers tracing out patterns in the couch.

-----

She tells the story, beginning with Haven. She plunders her memory for anything, any small detail that might be useful, as she has done time and time again since her best friend disappeared into an eluvian with the promise to bring an end to everything she cared about. 

She tells of an elven apostate, mysterious and distant and a bit condescending, but kind in a way that’s hard to place and infinitely knowledgeable. She tells a story of alliance, friendship....and ultimately, betrayal.

Morrigan spends a good portion of the story making derisive noises and rolling her eyes. But when she comes to the elven orb, and the Exalted Council, the witch falls silent. She bites the corner of her lip in thought and at times her eyes widen in some kind of private realization, though she’s doing her best to mask it.

Sythia, for her part, says nothing. Slowly leaning forward, propping her elbows on her knees, she only watches the Inquisitor intently. Expression neutral, betraying no sympathy, but also no hostility.

Finally, she comes to the final confrontation. With perhaps a touch of dramatic flair, she pulls off the glove on her left hand, revealing a hand of copper metal. Morrigan flinches, just a bit, though Sythia does nothing more than tilt her head a bit.

“As it stands,” Astyth says, rotating her wrist a bit. “I’ve lost whatever control I had over the Fade, at probably the worst possible moment. Which is why I require your help.” She looks them both earnestly in the eye. “Both of you are more experienced than most with the Fade realm. And given that Merrill hasn’t been seen for months, Morrigan is the foremost living expert on eluvians we know of. I wouldn’t even require a physical presence. For the moment, at least, this isn’t your fight. But any notes, any piece of information you find....it may be exactly what we need to save us all from destruction.”

For a moment there is silence in the room. Morrigan has a stormy expression, looking at war between several desires at once. A mortal desire to not have the world destroyed, an apostate’s desire for new and possibly dangerous knowledge.....and a wife’s desire to protect her loved ones from harm. Her eyes keep travelling to the copper shine of Astyth’s arm, as though it is a physical reminder of everything she fears to lose Tabris to.  Just as Astyth opens her mouth to try and provide further assurances, Sythia abruptly gets to her feet.

“I’d like to talk to you alone for a moment.”She says, slipping her hands in her pockets and nodding towards the porch. Astyth hesitates for a moment, but ultimately follows the Warden outside. Morrigan decides not to follow, evidently reading something in her tone.

The story has taken time, and the woods are growing darker and darker. Sythia leans back against the railing and gestures towards a seat, which Astyth takes. “So, first question: where did you get your arm?”

“Oh-...” It takes Astyth by surprise, and self consciously she runs the hand through her hair. “Bianca Davri’s innovation. We commissioned her.”

Sythia nods slowly. “She does good work. Not that I have many complaints with mine.” She swings her leg a bit as if to demonstrate.

“Who did it?”

“Best blacksmith I ever met. Wade, of Denerim. He was eager for the challenge, and possibly owed me a favor.”

“....can I ask....”

“How it happened?” A wry smile spreads on her face as she looks out over the clearing. “Its a long tale, Inquisitor, and I was never much for stories. Suffice to say, curing the taint is no simple task.”

“And have you?  Cured it, I mean.” She had heard nothing of it.

“......It remains to be seen. Regardless, its quieted the damned singing for a few minutes, which to me is worth a couple of limbs.”

“Lucky” The word slips out, and even she isn’t quite sure what she means by it. Lucky to be cured, or lucky that at least there’s a good cause that’s taken your body? Sythia seems to understand, at least.

“I am. In many ways.....” Her voice is soft as she fiddles with something on her hand. A ring, simple silver, but well worn. “Still, when Morrigan found me in the aftermath I thought she might just finish the job. She was furious.”

“She was angry? With you?”

A rush of air through her nose that might be a snort and might be a sigh. “Morrigan’s had....an unusual raising. There’s nothing she’s more afraid of than weakness. Than loss. To her, the leg represents both, try as she might to hide that fear from me.”

“What does it represent to you?”

The elf says nothing for a long moment. “....you know, that warden motto never sat right with me. Perpetual war, perpetual vigilance....comes across as an excuse for anything we might do in the interim between the Blights. But they got something right with the idea of sacrifice.”  Through the woods comes a peal of laughter Astyth recognizes as Kieran. The hunters returning, and Sythia’s head turns instinctively towards them. 

“...I’ve sacrificed a lot to get here. And I’ll sacrifice a lot more to keep it. So to me....its a promise. In the same way your arm is a promise.” She turns to face her. “That there’s hard journeys behind and beyond where you stand now. But where you stand? Well....that’s worth keeping.”

They finally come into view, Kieran on some long-winded musing speech as he circles Zevran again and again. The former Crow has a brace of rabbits in either hand and is listening with amusement to the child’s story. His eyes meet Sythia’s and there’s a glint there Astyth knows. It’s how Sera looks at Dagna. How Krem looks at Maryden.

How Bull looks at her.

“Tell your council: I’ll come to Val Royeaux, if they can provide accommodations for my family.” Sythia says, a slow smile spreading as she waves to Kieran.

“I-” Astyth feels a surge of excitement. This was better than they had ever hoped. “Are-...are you sure? The notes would certainly be more than enough-”

“Knowing how these matters usually go, the notes won’t be enough. You’ll need Morrigan’s expertise, my experience, and a bit of Kieran’s insight. And....well, Zevran’s coming for morale.” She grins, before looking back at Astyth. “You were wrong, Inquisitor. This is my fight. I like this world, and I’d prefer if it went on spinning a little longer.”

“And what dark plans are you two making, hm?” Zevran says, coming to the base of the steps. He hands Kieran the brace and he rushes inside, chattering excitedly to Morrigan. 

“Now, it’s hardly fun if I just come out and tell you, is it?” she says, winking towards Astyth. The Inquisitor returns it: this is Sythia’s request to make of them, and she’ll leave her to the details.

“Aaahh, so its to be secrets then?” He moves to stand next to her, a wicked grin on his face as he leans on the railing. “You know that only makes me more determined to find out what it is”

“If it’s left to your spying ability, it’ll stay a safe secret forever.” 

“Such cruel words from a woman so beautiful.” He tugs lightly on a loose strand of her hair, which makes her cover a laugh as she bats him away. “It can’t be borne.”

“I’m sorry, would you two prefer to be left alone, or...” Astyth trails off suggestively, smirking a bit.

“Not at all, I enjoy it more with an audience.”

It makes Astyth laugh and Tabris blush like a schoolgirl, and Morrigan comes out to see about the commotion, trying very very hard to look annoyed, though she’s biting back a smile. “I suppose it would be too much to ask that you behave yourself in front of a perfect stranger.”

“My dear enchantress, you should know by now I never behave myself without incentive.” He looks down at his clothes with a sigh. “Though the rabbit offal on my shirt is a bit of a mood killer, I’ll admit.” Pushing off the railing, he turns to look at Astyth. “Inquisitor, you’ll be staying for dinner, I hope?”

“Oh, I...” She looks at Morrigan in a silent question. She doesn’t want to intrude. But the apostate only sighs. 

“Perhaps you should. You’ve a long journey back to camp. And at the moment your presence may be the only thing that restrains this one from doing something indecent within earshot of my son.” She pointedly clips Zevran’s ear, who only chuckles and grabs her hand, pressing a kiss to the palm before breezing past her to the door. 

“Excellent. I’ll cook.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’ll cook-” Morrigan says, following him as their bickering continues further into the house.

“Then again,” Sythia says, looking over at Astyth on her way inside. “Perhaps Val Royeaux isn’t ready for us yet.”

[pelle-lavellan-a]

💓 💔

Send 💓 for a heated kiss.

Send 💔 for a interrupted kiss.

( smol drabble for ya )

The Inquisitor worried too much…

About everything Katiya feared. She thought that she overthought, compared to Pelle she felt she had not even begin to scratch surface of his mind. It was like an endless cave really, full of thoughts, ideas, there was so much. And Still he said so very little of what festered and ran rampant in his mind. It was easy to miss, if you lacked the skill to read people. 

This was not a skill that Katiya was without. 

Adjacent to her was the Inquisitor, Pelle, pacing back and forth with his anchored hand brushing through his wavy blonde hair, his marked bearing a troubled look. He’d been like this for hours now. Earlier today, he had learned some frightening news about the First in his Clan. She’d joined the Inquisition not long after they’d arrived at Skyhold. She had been concerned about Pelle ever since he hadn’t returned after the Conclave. Now with the Inquisition, she offered her help wherever she could. 

Pelle had learned why she and the Keeper’s relationship was as sour as it had been. The Keeper, Aelin, was…a maleficar. Today, that almost got her killed. While the two may have damn near been siblings, their relationship with each other was…distant. Aelin had always been bitter and even possibly jealous of Pelle’s natural talent as a mage. Given that Pelle had come from a family of no magic up until himself, where as Aelin had come from a family where magic was just a part of who they are, it wasn’t hard for her to feel as though she’d been cheated. The Inquisitor now wondered why he hadn’t expected something like this before. 

Katiya watched as the young Inquisitor uselessly tried to recollect his bearings. She had known that Pelle cared more for his sister than he really made public, but this spoke more than his words ever could. He’d been told by Solas that he had done all he could for her, still the Dalish elf could find no comfort in that. He hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, he hadn’t done anything except for think of what he could possibly do to ensure that Aelin was going to be alright. 

The rogue couldn’t stand to watch him like this any longer. Someone had to talk to him, telling him he had done enough was never going to get through to him. Would it not be better to allow him to voice his concerns? With that theory in the back of her mind Katiya decided to approach the Inquisitor. 

“Are you alright?” She asked him. 

Pelle glanced up at Katiya as if startled by a voice reaching through to his conscience other than his own. His expression softened to one that almost convinced Katiya that he was grieving. Slowly the elf shook his head and turned away.

“Did I do enough?” He asked her abruptly. 

The answer to his question was one that Katiya couldn’t give him. He wanted her to tell him no, she knew it. She could not do that, she refused to. While she hated to admit it Solas was right. Dwelling on whether or not he could have done more for Aelin was not going to change her condition, it wouldn’t change the way she viewed Pelle, it wouldn’t change the fact that she’d turned to Blood Magic to gain favor of the Keeper, and it certainly was not going to change what Pelle could do for her. 

Katiya sighed and reached out for the elf’s arm. “Don’t make me answer that.” 

Pelle frowned pulling his arm away gently. “I…” He breathed the pronoun before he shook his head and looked away. “Don’t listen to me. I just…never mind.” 

Now Katiya was frowning. How did he expect to feel any better if he always holed up his emotions? “You’re always like this.” She fussed. 

The elf’s eyebrows furrowed disapprovingly. He bit down on his lip hard before speaking again. “What do you expect?” He asked sharply.  “If I were to speak my mind all the time…”He again let out a deep breath. “Look Katiya…I can’t alright. I’ve never been one to voice my opinions.”

“Then why not start?” She threw the question right back her tone just as dipped in venom as Pelle’s.

“They would serve me ill that’s why!” 

“And they serve you even worse locked up inside.” Katiya felt the need to point out. “Listen Pelle, you couldn’t have expected this.” 

“And?” Asked Pelle. 

Katiya felt a growl trying to surface in her throat. The Inquisitor was absolutely impossible when he was upset. It was like he loved hurting himself. He beat himself up over things he couldn’t control and refused to be comforted. “This isn’t your fault!” Said Katiya. “You did not persuade her to use Blood Magic, you didn’t command her, she wanted to protect did she not make that clear?” 

If Pelle could not see that then Katiya wasn’t sure what to tell him. Red Templars were…terrifying. They all knew that. The red lyrium living inside them turned into mutilated creatures so far gone from what they once were. When Pelle had been nearly stricken down by a Red Templar Behemoth the First had felt the need to act. While the two were not close on the surface, they had a bond that neither of them could deny. One that only two who were part of a family could have. Perhaps Pelle had learned more about Aelin than her magical preferences. Was that what was tearing him apart so much? 

“I know that…” He assured the rogue. “I only wish she would have just trusted me.” He stated vaguely.

Katiya raised an eyebrow to the remark. “Tell you that she was a blood mage?” 

Pelle shook his head. “No, I wish she trusted me enough to just talk about her troubles. If she couldn’t go to the Keeper…and I know she could not, I wish she hadn’t placed me on a pedestal that made me seem unapproachable. But she did and now this.” He said gesturing to the tent. “I never even wanted to be a mage.” He confessed. “Perhaps if she knew that, maybe she wouldn’t resent me so much.” 

Katiya seemed surprised by his confession. Never wanted magic? It was an odd thing coming from the Inquisitor. He was quite talented for someone his age. She wasn’t sure why but she had pegged him as more the type to study so much because he wanted to be the best he could be. She wouldn’t have guessed that someone that worked as hard as he did would ever utter such a thing. 

“Why don’t you want magic?” She asked hoping he might clarify. 

“It’s never done anything for me.” Said Pelle glancing down at his Anchor. “It took me away from my family before I was old enough to remember them. It caused the First to resent me, made me different from everyone else, and now it’s manifested itself onto my hand and will more or less likely kill me eventually. Tell me Katiya why should I want this?” 

Katiya’s eyes fixated on Pelle wanly. She had no words for him. The look of sadness etched onto his face upon asking her why he should want to be a mage had had a stronger effect than she had anticipated. 

Pelle’s bleak expression forced a smile before he again shook his head. “I apologize. I’m sure you didn’t come to listen to me brood.” 

“No don’t apologize.” Katiya pleaded. 

The Inquisitor’s resin eyes widened with a look of surprise. “You can’t possibly be enjoying this?” He inquired. 

For no reason Katiya could explain she again reached for the Inquisitor this time taking his anchored hand and bringing down to his side and taking a firm grasp on it. “Of course not.” She made clear first. 

Pelle grunted. “So you just like to torture yourself then?” He deadpanned. 

“You’re impossible! Maybe I’m worried about you.” She fussed. 

Pelle raised an eyebrow to the suggestion. Worried about him? Well that was new. Even if people like Varric worried for him they never seemed to have the gall to say it to his face. Further most people worried about his mental well being having so much responsibility while being so young. Or at least, that was most seemed to worry about. In retrospect, it was more so concern about what he might become or what mistakes he might make. The concern was never actually about his well being. 

“Look, watching you is just as painful for you as it is for me. I can’t bear it any longer.” Katiya told the elf. 

“So close your eyes.” He remarked dryly. 

“I don’t want to.” Katiya insisted. 

“Tell me what keeps your attention on me?” He asked. “If watching me hurts you then why-” 

He had no time to finish the sentence. Katiya made sure of that. She had had enough of his self defecation. There was no way for her to bestow an answer to him in words. Because what she felt couldn’t be expressed by something so dull as words. Instead she chose to show him. Tugging the elf’s thin body close to hers swiftly she took him by the lips wrapping her arms around his neck lest he might run from the affection much like he ran from everything else that seemed personal or emotional. 

In his current mental state the elf had no will to flee. His surprise only affected his reaction for short increments of time. The taste of Katiya’s lips had quickly converted him, there was not an inch of hesitation in his body to consider what he was doing. He soon lost track of his hands as they inched up to her forearms bringing the affection lest he might lose it. 

Katiya pulled back slightly to look the elf in the eyes. “Does that answer your question?” She asked.

His face was nervous, unsure despite the behavior of his body. If Katiya didn’t know better she might think the Inquisitor might start to cry. Was he really so unaccustomed to others expressing a legitimate amount of care of him. His eyes darted around looking to fixate on anything Katiya, afraid that he might do or  say something he would regret. The rogue woman felt a warm smile tug forming, she brought her right hand to the elf’s cheek turning his gaze back to her own. 

Such a fetching pair of eyes were quite a waste if they could not make contact. She only wished that Pelle had the confidence to look her in the eye on his own. Yet he still appeared to believe he was doing something wrong. “Don’t think too hard.” Said Katiya before stealing his lips once again. 

The first time had caught the elf by surprise. The second sent a wicked chill throughout his thin frame. Unable to stop himself he closed his eyes and pressed back slow and lovingly. Katiya grinned between locked lips once she knew Pelle had accepted her endearment. Any lack of ease she had masked from him before slowly began to melt away. She felt her the nerves in her body start to light and begin dancing from her fingertips down to her toes. 

Her breathing deepened along with Pelle’s as their kisses slowly transmuted from brief pecks to something more passionate. Their lips remained planted against the other’s for longer periods of time, her tongue taking the initiative to explore the elf’s mouth. 

Pelle’s ears shot up when Katiya’s tongue caressed the inside of his mouth. A soft moan escaping from his throat before he kissed her a little harder. The two were utterly and completely taken by each other. Hot and heavy, Pelle had all but abandoned consciousness of the position of his arms. They now rested at the woman’s hips as the two began to sway ever so slightly side side to side in unison with one another. Katiya had planted something inside the Inquisitor he daresay had no previous memory of experiencing, desire. 

He couldn’t have anticipated that the answer to his previous inquiry would have evoked some much pleasure from him. He hand’t even thought it possible until it happened. That was when it seemed the elf had finally come to his senses. Swiftly he pulled away from the woman his face a deep shade of red and incapable of hiding the emotion spilling from inside him. 

“I…I’m sorry.” He quickly sputtered out. 

“…what’s wrong?” Asked Katiya a look of bewilderment painted upon her face. 

“I…I just..I have to go..I’m sorry.” Said the elf quickly withdrawing from the situation. 

Katiya watched him leave concern anxiety raising possibilities in her mind. She hoped the elf did not think she was taking advantage of him, she certainly was not. She had…no…they had simply lost control of the situation at hand. She confessed however that she wished the moment had not ended. 

The elf would need time she concluded. Time she was willing to give him to sort out his feelings not only for her but for himself as well. Listening to him speak earlier gave Katiya a premonition that the Inquisitor did not think him someone deserving of something like this. He punished himself more than he realized. Katiya could only hope that the moment they shared might allow him to remember that he did not have to sort these things out alone. 

@katiya-o-rourke 

[galaxymeowmeowuniverse-blog]

180602 to 180603

Sometimes, I wish I could smoke weed. A lot of weed. Or drink tons and tons of alcohol so I could just wash away every single second of my life, of my reality, of every single worry and anxious thought and overthought I have in my head.

I’m so used to dealing with problems before they arise, making sure I’m taking the right steps to avoid hardship. That’s just who I am.

And sometimes I have doubts. Many many doubts, like if my life would ever turn out as planned or if I’m ever going to be going anywhere with my life, and that everyone still loves me and cares for me as much as they say they do.

I don’t want to blame it on my mental health. If I know a problem is up, I know that it’s a problem. An external one, perhaps, and not an internal one. Something that is personally uncontrollable, for me.

I have doubts in myself. So many doubts about myself that it’s actually gotten very toxic for me.

The other day... before hopping into the shower together, we kissed.  He told me that my mouth tasted like pussy and joked that now nearly everything associated with me has become associated with pussy.  

But in actuality.... it was his own mouth.  And he didn’t go down on me at all that day.....

It didn’t completely register with me until recently, probably not until I went grocery shopping by myself the other day that I began thinking about that day.  I didn’t want to speak about it with him, I didn’t want to confront him about it....

I hate saying this honestly, but for the past few months I’ve been going on and off about wanting to stay with him or break up with him and the feeling’s really been eating me up inside, but again I didn’t want to speak about it.  It hurts even my own emotions to say things like this because I love him and it would hurt me a lot if we did separate, knowing how much we’ve built together thus far.  The other day I had to stop and ask him if he was really serious about moving in as we were just going to be signing the lease and he stopped and told me that he was and I was reassured.  I still love him and I love him very much but sometimes I do think about it, about the possibility of a break up, because I have to and because it’s in my nature to think about things beforehand.  

I don’t want to.  I know I don’t want to.  And I feel like if I did end it now, it would be a bit too late as we’ve already nearly started our entire life together.  But I don’t want that to be the only reason stopping me from breaking up with him.  I love him and I don’t think I’ll ever see myself with anyone else but him, I can’t.  I don’t think there will be anyone else just like him, honestly.  But sometimes I have doubts and sometimes I keep going back to the fact that he was once a cheater.  And that if he is capable of cheating once, he is capable of doing it again... and I hate thinking about this.  

But I even still think about the time that he had a Tinder, and the fact that it’s still downloaded on his older phone (which he still keeps at home).  The fact that he was talking to other women at the same time we started dating and that he didn’t stop even though I expressed a full concern and discomfort because of it.  He only stopped it because he found his neighbor on it when he got rid of it.  I’m blanking now but I don’t remember if he told me that during the time he got a new phone or during the time that he still had his old phone, but if it was his older phone... then he lied to me... about getting rid of it, because he told me that he still has it on his older phone.  

Sometimes I feel like he hides his phone away from me or that he hides things on his phone from me... but I don’t say anything.  I don’t want to look into it, I don’t want to be controlling.  I am transparent with him.  He knows nearly everything, and if there’s a strange message from anyone, I’ll let him know, or if someone that was interested in me suddenly asked me out, I let him know that too.  I have nothing to hide.  I am completely, completely transparent with him.  Because I know how much it hurts to be lied to and cheated on, even if I wasn’t the immediate victim of the situation.  

I don’t need to know every little detail that happens in his life, and I want to respect his privacy because he is entitled to it.  I don’t want to take that away from him, so I won’t say anything.  But sometimes, my thoughts wander... and it goes into that direction.... I can’t help it.  And I hate that I can’t help it.

And I will say, as I’ve always said, that if I ever get cheated on, I will cheat back and the way I will do it will be worse in comparison.  

--

I don’t think he’s cheating on me but I want to be emotionally ready for it, let it not come as a surprise if it ever does come up.  

I know that I haven’t been at home with him, I’ve been too busy, too stressed, to emotionally out of it for sex and for really any form of companionship and I hate myself for it, honestly I do.  Life is tiring and I am the worst person to be dealing with stress out of the sole reason that I can barely handle it.  

But I want to be strong, mentally strong, so I don’t have to continue feeling self-conscious and emotionally fragile.  I want to build myself up in a way that I don’t have to have doubts and that I can fully trust in myself and in him.  Again, it’s in my nature to have thoughts like this... being proactive and not reactive to a problem, if it’s something I can fix and adjust beforehand, before it gets to be a problem, I will try to fix it.  

I’m going to try to make more time with him, try to be there for him more, and not get emotionally distant... I want to be more and more honest with him, but somethings... I’m really scared to talk to him with.  Like it’s not a fun discussion with your significant other when you’re literally just making small accusations of cheating or that you want to talk about if your relationship will ever work at all... that’s not fun.  I hate having thoughts about this.  What am I supposed to go up and tell him, “hey I’ve been thinking.... sometimes, right... maybe I wanted to break up with you?” or even like “hey... so I suspect that you may be cheating on the fact of little to no evidence and just pure self-conscious thoughts because I don’t understand the concept of self-worth!”, that’s a terrible discussion to have.  I’d rather not tarnish what we have already, I like what we’ve built up together up until this point.  I like our plans for the future.  And I’m going to continue to solidify my mental state up to the point where the terrible thoughts don’t come up any more.  

[5x22]

june 12, 2017.

it’s easily been about six hours since he opened his eyes, unaware of half the words he had said last night. mostly unaware of those that put him in a promising situation, one he had been trying to avoid ever since he realized it. but there was just something different this time, why did he feel so bent on bringing it up to the two people that he loved the most? what was driving him to bring the topic back up when it had clearly destroyed them recently? it was doyoung. because even if last night he forgot how incredibly hard this was going to be and how much it would bring him down if their reaction was what he expected, he didn’t forget the way doyoung spoke to him. the strength he never failed to emit to him, he didn’t forget that if he ever felt motivated to do what he wanted to do it was when doyoung told him he could. here he is, in his room, then the kitchen, then the living room, all around the house unsure of how to start. ‘’i’ll call them in an hour.’’ he said for the past four hours, the other two he had spent much too preoccupied with it or not thinking about it at all, it was a game of pushing it past his mind, of procrastinating on something that was not even remotely close to work- it was a responsibility nonetheless. one that came with a lot of baggage if things turned out the way he expected them to.

he waited, and waited, and waited. convincing himself that this was not necessary, it wasn’t something he had to do. though his thoughts were partially true, if he let himself back out now then in a way his parents would be right. they’d never let him get away with it, they would never allow him to be who he was in peace. this was him proving a point, this was him saying that he wasn’t going to change because he didn’t need to, because he had someone beside him that made him want to be this way forevermore. the purposeful waiting only good to bunch up his nervousness in one huge clutter that suffocated all his insides. a phone with a purpose laid on the coffee table. a purpose, yes, one that he did not dare to fulfill just yet. it seemed to be mocking him every time he stared its way nervously, it seemed to dare him. Do it. Do it now. He was merely buying time, or wasting it, for fear. Of what? Unsure at this point. Mom and dad knew about his feelings, though they always seemed to almost convince him he was confused, they had already done their crying and they were doing their denial still. So why was he so scared? There was nothing else they could do right? There was no way that what had already happened could worsen but only prolong itself. It’s best he does it now rather than stir up a commotion when things are peaceful once more.  

‘‘They’re the ones to change.’‘ The soothing voice of his lover played loudly enough to drown that sound of the connecting phone call and his heart beating out of his ears. ‘‘Not you.’‘ Not him. He wasn’t ill, or wrong, or weird. Doyoung said that if that was the case then so were the entirety of them. All seven them had to be flawed if Johnny was. His large hands gripped tightly on the phone while it pressed to his ear, shaking and just thanking everything that this wasn’t in person- at least there was a barrier. Something that stopped him from seeing the disappointment in their eyes again. The beeping finally replaced by an older man’s deep voice, in question, like he answered to a complete stranger. ‘‘Hello?’‘ The frail voice sounded. Johnny couldn’t help but smile at this, he hadn’t heard such passive innocence in his father’s voice in a good few weeks. It was almost like he had not heard him at all actually. It was needless to say it brought him tears to his eyes, tears he didn’t let escape so he could continue to speak. ‘’Dad, hello. How are you? How is everyone?’’ Perhaps a very silly question since last time he had seen them he had left them torn. Quiet and distraught. How else would they be? It’s only been a few days. Did he really expect change? Ah, but his father was either the one ignorant soul or the one that really believed this could turn out well. The positive attitude emitted from the older man at the other side of the line eased Johnny’s nerves, it relaxed them and spread them from the mess they were just slightly and he felt that he should just blurt it out right then and there because at any other time would probably be a bad time, at any other time he would probably be much too scared to. But it just wasn’t wise, not now.

Sadly enough his parents acted like there were never previous conversations about the same thing. Like he had not gone through hell trying to live to their expectations and like he had not tried to open up to them- mom did anyway. Johnny could never really figure out his dad. Now he was on speakerphone and it was audible the way his mom bickered with dad about how low the volume was and she could not hear her son, another smile painted on his lips as this but this time it made him a little more nervous. ‘Please don’t listen to me. Leave the volume that way.’ He thought. It had to be like a bandaid, it had to be ripped out that way and said that way because if he did it slowly then it would hurt much more than it should and it would be much more difficult all as well. ‘’I’ glad you’re doing well. I miss you guys, I know I saw you recently- we are very busy. I hope you will be thinking of us during our comeback and that we can see each other again soon.’’ Those words seemed to excite the both of them, sweet souls who only wanted the best for him but at the same time had an erroneous idea of what that was exactly, well he was about to break it to them, making small talk only pushed him to drop the subject for now and that would be a waste of time all over again. Overthought for nothing. The happiness they both obviously radiated served as a cushion for his heart drop and the sharp words he was about to squeeze into a few sentences. ‘’Umma, appa..’’ Silence took over the previously cheery environment at the end of his words, silence that clouded him addressing them and allowing him to talk. ‘’We’ve talked about the same thing lately, not that long ago i even got to see grandma because she felt that she had to talk to me about it and i’m sorry that I keep bringing it up. I apologize for straining you both of your tears and your energy with me, i know you guys want the best for me and i know you love me. I love you guys too, i love you a lot which is why I can’t keep lying to you or destroying myself with my own lies. I have to be honest.’’ Heart beat speeding up per second because the silence continued and suddenly he couldn’t think of what to say, or why he was even calling. A knot formed at the base of his throat and it seemed to block every word his brain thought of and wanted to express. He couldn’t backtrack, there was no way out of this even if he wanted one. The ring hit the light and glistened in the corner of his eye, silence still suffocating him but that one piece he wore proudly moved him around. Brought him back a reason and purpose for why he was on this couch about to cry, in this call at this very moment. ‘’I love Doyoung. Yes, Kim Doyoung. My labelmate. My member. I love him more than words could describe and we have been together for a while now. I am going to marry him someday and I needed the two of you to know… Mom and dad, I need you guys to be there when the time comes.’’

He did it. Said knot in his throat evaporated into flowing tears running down his face and he was still drowning in their silence, silence soon broken by a disappointed scoff coming from his mother. Voice becoming distant, muffled, suddenly he couldn’t understand anymore. ‘’Dad.. I know I’ve surprised you guys a lot. I wanted to this in person but-’’ But nothing. Nothing that could be more important than what his mom had to say, the tears were obvious in her voice, it was obvious that he had once more broken her heart for the third time this short month and he couldn’t think of the time he’d forgive himself for this. The distant voice of the smaller lady was soon a bold one that resonated in his ear like she thought he couldn’t hear him, perhaps after all the times she had stood by her opinion and him still defying it she really believed he couldn’t hear. It was the same cycle as the one he had seen in person, the same thing. A vocally loud opinion from mom and nothing from dad. Which makes him wish he could see them now, maybe he could hug them, maybe they’d take compassion in him if they saw the genuineness in his words and actions. It wasn’t all just to hurt them or defy them- it was him, who he is and he just wanted to be accepted by those that mattered the most to him. The words his mother expressed were soon just as loud as her voice, harsh words you’d never expect a mother to express to anyone such as her child, words that you don’t even think a kind hearted mother holds as part of her vocabulary for the simple fact of being a mother but you’re wrong. you’re so so very wrong. Johnny could hear his world crashing down, he could see the way walls crumbled and cars crashed against each other with every word that his mom made clear to him but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t say anything. Not now. ‘’I’m sorry you feel that way mom. I hope you can see what’s truly the best for me someday.’’ But there was nothing that could bring his mom down from where she was, there was nothing that could be a reason or an excuse or anything to get her to realize right now. She felt the need to reiterate her words, her decisions towards the situation and towards him as a person and Johnny’s world was still ending right in front of him but all he did was cry and nod. ‘’Okay. Okay, umma. Okay. I understand. I apologize for bringing you problems. I will respect your decisions but I hope you know things won’t change. I lov-’’ Tiredness flooded his eyes, his face, he was tired of arguing with them. Tired of them not letting him say what he wanted. Tired of lying. But the remains of his world laid beneath him, shaken and destroyed along with himself, engulfed in his feelings, helpless, broken on the floor of the shared living room. Ready to isolate himself from the rest of the guys living in this house, to close up and let his feelings swallow him whole. maybe then he’d be able to be okay. He was tired of bringing sadness to his parents but if he was not to communicate with them or see them again, how was he meant to fix it? If his mom didn’t want sight of him, how could he call her every day to remind her he loved her without stepping over boundaries? What would be of free evenings without his dad? What would be of him?