#i feel like i can communicate feelings/vibes better like this. <-bad at drawing backgrounds

[shimmershy]

I've been longing for Daisies to push through the floor And I wish plant life would grow all around me So I won't feel dead anymore

[gethellbcnt-m]

screaming my thoughts about s2e8 into the void because i need to to scream it somewhere n i dont wanna bother people SO--

the song was fun, the visuals were comedy gold, and i thought the escalation from playful horniness to Anxiety-Fueled Dread was very entertaining !

LOONA YOU ARE NOT HELPING YOUR FATHER FEEL BETTER ! you know he's gotta give that bird the ultimate stuffing to keep the book ! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THOSE THINGS--

Moxxie being supportive of his boss is adorable... even if Blitz technically caused a divorce, but those two were on their way there anyway so it's fineeeeeeee !

Cleatus, Keenie, imma need you two to shut up- i know the dhorks are kinda dumb when it comes to taking info with a pinch of salt, but this is just sad. speaking of : WHY ARE MY TAXES BEING USED ON THIS INSTEAD OF BETTER SCHOOL LUNCHES-- i'm also getting incredibly vague lion king vibes from the shot of those priest clones... and is that Collin foreshadowing i see in the interrogation room ??

sick robot suits, loving the parallel between the IMP and team CHERUBS. i wuold've preferred if the cherubs kept to the background more and saw that hell isn't too different from heaven, and that the hellborn are just vibing to the best of their abilities wherever they live.

Blitz's shopping spree was such a joy to watch, and it shows how much effort he's willing to put into the visits he makes to Stolas in order to keep his business and friends financially secure. i'm waiting to see if one/the mnm's will get a similar sequence in the future.

these shopkeeper designs fucking ROCK and i want to know more about them ! even if i know they're probably one-time characters and will never see them again lol

love love LOOOVE Fizz and Ozzie's toy/entertainment selection !! i can't stop looking at everything in the background because A] it's so colorful and B] i'm a pervert who wants to draw my muses in some of these hehehe

the remainder of IMP vs. the CHERUBS were so fun to watch ! i feel bad for Ozzie though, he and Fizz are definitely having a talk about Blitz and his team being surpervised if they're ever allowed to visit the Lust ring again after all the damage they caused.

Stolas... didn't just start the conversation by giving him the crystal, first ? asking about the book first -- Blitz's only reason that his business is still running and keeping him AND his employees financially afloat -- and seeing the underlying fear and uncertainty on Blitz's face before Stolas doubles down... God, it hurts. ' i can always do better ' just... OUGH.

i am going to out myself as a Blitz enjoyer here because i relate to him a lot on a concerning level.. but also because i've been to that scalding, steaming pit of self-hatred, too ; i've long since climbed out of that pit, but i can understand his position because i've been there. you feel like you're alone, even when you're in a room full of company that you enjoy being with. you feel like even when you're surrounded by loving family/friends, you have this feeling in your heart that they secretly hate you regardless of how much praise or support they give you. something just feels... off. any signlas that Stolas may have given him just whooooooshed over Blitz's head because he's too caught up in his own self-loathing to see it.

additionally, i've ALSO been fearful of someone with higher authority who's able to decide whether or not i keep my job depending on their opinion of me. to have such low self esteem and be at a disadvantage in The System just freaking sucks donkey balls, bro.

i'll give Stolas credit where it's due : the communication is FINALLY happening ! but you know what's awesome about that process ? learning to LISTEN !! he knows that Blitz is a guy who uses humor in the way he communicates, and i feel that it would not have taken more than a few seconds for him to have said, ' Blitz, i'm being serious '. would it have not lead to Blitz blowing up at him ? i don't know ! would it have lead to Blitz calling out Stolas and having his emotional rant anyway ? it's entirely possible !

both characters are so caught up in their pains that, if they took a little more time to clarify themselves and their feelings, it's very likely that their confrontation wouldn't have ended the way it did.

[cypher-ghost]

General FAQ

These are various general questions about my stream! These will be updated or more q&a will be added in the future <3 (last edited January 2024)

Q: Why did you choose the name CypherGhost?

A: I chose Cypher because it is the name of some of my favourite song(s) by BTS’ rap line. I know that it means to put a message into secret writing or to encode it or it can also reference a gathering of beatboxers, rappers and/or breakers in a circle which then extemporaneously make music together but my main reason is for the BTS songs, especially Cypher pt4. As for ghosts, it's in reference to my nickname Kasper and the fact I like ghosts! I may not be a ghost vtuber but it just held a place in my heart which is why I kept it!

Q: What pronouns do you prefer? A: I prefer he/him/his but I do not mind they/them/theirs, just no feminine pronouns please :) 

Q: How does dyslexia affect you?

A: I have issues with spelling with no aid but I also have issues with pronouncing and reading some things too out loud. I always try to read all the dialogue and messages out loud for those who cannot watch or can't read well but sometimes I do mess up but I try my best 🙂 I may need to ask you guys to tell me how you pronounce your name or what name you prefer, but always correct me if I am wrong! I always want to make sure everyone feels welcomed <3

Q: Why did you start streaming?

A: At first it was a way to try to get better with my confidence while doing something I liked, which was art and games. I have really bad anxiety which means that every time I actually get nervous to press the go live button. But as time went on, I really enjoyed keeping good vibes, the amazing people who join my streams and wanting to make a safe space for people to vibe in and have a laugh no matter what <3

Q: Why did you choose to be a Vtuber over cam or no cam?

A: Looks are something I am not the best in the confidence area with, so I decided to not become a cam streamer. Although in the past and on rare occasions I do cosplay streams, cosplay isn’t me on my own. I also tried being a constant cosplay streamer and I burned out so fast!... I could have gone no cam, I used to do that before cosplay and had a small picture in the corner but it didn’t really work out. I wanted something to be interactive with my community visually so Vtuber was the way! 

Q: Why do you not allow back-seating?

A: I find back-seating embarrassing to me, I feel like I am not playing the game right and start to feel self-conscious which brings my mood down a lot. If I do tell you to not tell me things about the game, I know you might be doing it out of a good heart but I will ask if I need help and it will be greatly appreciated!

Q: Do you make your emotes, panels & layouts? If so, what do you use?

A: Yes I make nearly everything myself! I draw all my emotes (unless credited otherwise such as the tail wag emote) and my PFP!

For emotes and art I use Clip Studio Paint which is the main software I use for drawing. I tend to draw traditionally first then draw them up digitally

My new overlays and backgrounds on stream are by creators on Etsy which I have fully credited in my Twitch bio!

Q: What software do you use to stream?

A: OBS! I have previously used twitch studios when I used to stream on my gaming laptop and also have used streamlabs obs but OBS has been the best so far!

Q: When is your stream anniversary?

A: September 7th but May 12th is my affiliate anniversary!

Q: What do you use to draw on art streams?

A: I use my Waccom One tablet with screen to draw with and clip studio paint to draw! If I am doing animation, it is with photoshop or toon boom harmony!

----------------------------------------------------------

Want to catch one of my streams? Here are the links to my twitch & other socials for updates on when I am live!

Twitch: CypherGhost_

Twitter: @ CypherGhost_

Instagram: @ cypherghost_

[theotherhufflepuff]

Simon Snow Trilogy Tarot Cards...

Ok so, a little while ago I saw this frankly stunning artwork by @vkelleyart and I started thinking about the Major Arcana archetypes and how characters from my favourite book series could fit into them.

So I made this list. It took a lot of thought and I’m still not 100% sure on some of them but I have explained my thought process for each card.

I don’t know how much crossover there is in the Venn diagram of “Simon Snow fans” and “tarot readers” but I’d love to hear your opinions and/or alternative suggestions (be respectful though, obviously). I’ve left “visual prompts” for most of the cards explaining what they looked like in my imagination and if anyone wants to draw any of these (or their own alternative version!) please tag me; it would make my day! I can’t draw for toffee so I am 1000% never gonna try to illustrate any of them myself.

List under the cut because it is loooong.

Spoilers ahead for the whole series!

0 The Fool - Shepard - Shepard just follows magickal creatures around and says “yes” to everything... he is the pure embodiment of the Fool archetype to me; care-free, innocent... prepared for everything and yet totally clueless. Visual prompt: Shepard about to (attempt to) step into the fog as he follows a fairy into the forest.

1 The Magician - Penelope - “Penelope Bunce is a fierce magician, I don’t mind saying” Baz, at least once in each book. Penny never worries about not having the power or words available to do whatever she wants; she is comfortable in her power and it is always there, ready to be wielded however she sees fit. Visual prompt: Penny wearing her Stevie Nicks cape, standing by a chalkboard in the classic “Magician” pose, ring clearly held aloft.

2 The High Priestess - Dr Mitali Bunce - Dr Bunce is possibly a more formidable magician than her daughter. Highly intelligent, straightforward and, let’s be honest, judgemental. But she does have all the answers. Visual prompt: Dr Bunce carrying around her laptop, phone sandwiched between her ear and her shoulder.

3 The Empress - Lucy Salisbury - Lucy exudes the nurturing, Earth Mother vibes that are central to the Empress archetype. She saw the best in everyone and all she wanted was to love Davy and live with him in their cottage with her chickens and their child. Visual prompt: Lucy, barefoot and pregnant, feeding the chickens outside of their cottage.

4 The Emperor - Lamb - This is one of the ones I’m not totally sure about. I went through a few different ideas but ultimately settled on Lamb as the “Vampire King of Las Vegas”. He is an imposing figure, ruling his city with an iron fist; if you are in his favour, Vegas is your playground, but cross him and you will suffer the consequences. Visual prompt: Lamb sits on an antique chair in his opulent suite at the Katherine, the lights of night time Vegas visible through the window behind him.

5 The Hierophant - The Mage - Again, this one took some thought and I’m sure some people will disagree with this interpretation... I’m not completely sold on it myself. The Mage was all about reforming the old traditions of the World of Mages and he amassed a following by doing so. But he turned out to be somewhat of a false prophet; abusing his power to oppress those he deemed “the enemy”. Visual prompt: The Mage in his Robin Hood costume, sitting at his desk at the top of the Weeping Tower, surrounded by his piles of banned books.

6 The Lovers - Simon and Baz - Obviously. As stated at the top of this post, I love @vkelleyart’s version of this card, but there are a lot of scenes across the series that could be used to illustrate this archetype. I personally always love to see the original “and then he kisses me” scene.

7 The Chariot - Fiona Pitch - I struggled with this one a bit and I don’t really think that this is the ideal version. But the image of Fiona, rolling up to Blackfriars bridge in her vintage sports car to rescue Baz from the Numpties really stuck with me so that’s what I went with, for lack of a better idea.

8 Strength - Ebb - Ebb is often dismissed and underestimated by other magicians but she is wicked powerful. But more than that, the Strength card is about inner strength, self control and the wisdom to know when to fight, and when to rest. Ebb is highly intuitive about the people - and goats - around her and is always careful not to talk about her twin brother, only conceding that she knows of his presence once a year and never giving in to the temptation to talk directly to him. Ebb saw the war coming and knew that she could probably end it all by herself with the power she had; but she also knew that she didn’t want that and she had the strength to say no, to eschew the expectations the rest of the World of Mages placed upon her and live quietly, instead. Visual prompt: Ebb in the hills behind the school with the goats, she wears a flower crown that the Dryad made her.

9 The Hermit - Agatha - the Hermit eschews the outside world in order to take an inner journey of self discovery, knowing that this is the only way to find real answers and achieve real growth. Agatha, jaded by the World of Mages, took herself off to California, leaving her wand at home. She didn’t know what she wanted but she knew it wasn’t magic. Visual prompt: Agatha sits on the beach at twilight by a small campfire, Lucy the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel by her side.

10 The Wheel of Fortune - The Crucible - The Crucible’s decisions, like the Wheel’s, are unpredictable and inevitable. Once it’s happened, you’re stuck with the consequences - sometimes bad (being stuck with a toff vampire who hates you) and sometimes good (getting the best room in Mummers house).

11 Justice - Natasha Grimm-Pitch - Natasha needed justice to find peace; her whole story is about justice. She was swift to act when the vampires attacked Watford, dispatching them without hesitation. When she came through the veil to find Baz and ask him to bring her murderer to justice, she knew that would also provide some closure for him, too, both for her death, and for his. Visual prompt: Natasha Grimm-Pitch appearing from beyond the veil, looking for Baz and finding Simon.

12 The Hanged One - Nicodemus - The Hanged One is about feeling stuck, but also about finding peace where you are when there’s nothing you can do about it. Nicodemus chose to cross over for eternal life, but he was stricken from the book; his (considerable) magic effectively taken from him and his fangs removed. He was stuck in between - not a full vampire, not a magician; he exists on the fringes of both communities. He got himself there and then he had to figure out how to get by, carve out a place for himself in order to survive. Visual prompt: Nicodemus sits in the tree in the garden of his mother’s house in South London, waiting for Ebb to come and sit on the empty bench beneath him.

13 Death - [scene on the Great Lawn] - Ok, so.. this might need some explaining. My immediate thought for this card was that it should be the Humdrum but Death is all about clearing out the old junk in your life that doesn’t serve you in order to make space for the new. And the Humdrum isn’t making space for anything. So I was thinking about times that has happened in the story and I thought about how the death of the Mage made room for real progress and an end to the war with the old families. Visual prompt: Penny and Baz (literally) run into a fleeing Agatha on the Great Lawn; the Weeping Tower looms in the background, the Mage and Simon visible through the blown-out stained glass windows.

14 Temperance - Simon and the Humdrum - Temperance is, as you might expect, about balance and harmony. Simon used so much magic at once that he couldn’t control it and it tore holes in the magickal atmosphere. Simon had to fill the Simon-shaped hole to restore equalibrium and stop the magickal firmament from collapsing altogether. Visual prompt: Simon kneeling in the Weeping Tower, pouring his magic into the Humdrum as he fades away.

15 The Devil - Smith Smith-Richards - The Devil is about feeling trapped by temptations in your life, often because we’re afraid of what we would do with the freedom we’d have if we let them go. Which got me thinking about Smith-Richards (that name never gets any less ridiculous) and all the magicians who were taken in by the temptation of “fixing” their magic. But it was a false promise and those magicians who narrowly escaped taking Smith-Richards’ spell were all freed from the idea of their magic being “broken” in the first place. Visual prompt: Smith-Richards (looking like the guy who would be cast to play Simon in the Netflix series) standing on a stage in the packed-out White Chapel, rapt audience hanging on his every word.

16 The Tower - The Humdrum - Originally I wanted to use the Weeping Tower for this card because the imagery is on point but the meaning doesn’t match. The Tower is about absolute destruction, the crumbling of something you thought core to your being. The Humdrum steals magic and renders magicians homeless because of it. The Tower is about having to start again from the ground up - just as the Grimms did when all the magic was drained from Hampshire. Visual prompt: The Humdrum, wearing Simon’s face, stands in the grounds of Pitch Manor, laughing. (I have always thought of the holes looking like a burn in a piece of paper - sort of glowing and smouldering at the edges as it eats away the atmosphere. I know the holes can’t actually be seen - the Normals would freak out - but that is imagery I would use here)

17 The Star - Lady Ruth’s candles - The Star is about hope and healing after the devastation of the Tower. Lady Ruth’s candles were a symbol of hope that kept her going when she thought she had lost her children. They provided comfort and, at the end when it became clear the Lucy was gone, the healing of knowing that her child had finally found his way home to his family. Visual prompt: Lady Ruth’s candles in front of a window, a bright star can be seen through the window.

18 The Moon - Agatha and Simon - So, the Moon is all about examining blurred lines between illusion and reality - nothing looks totally clear in the moonlight. It reminded me of how Simon never really seemed to have a clear view of his feelings for Agatha and what their relationship was. When he properly examined his feelings, he found that he didn’t love Agatha and was going through the motions because he thought it was what other people expected of him. Agatha was doing the same. It also brought to mind Simon, going out of his mind worrying about Baz when he was missing - as well as basically every other thought Simon ever has about Baz before Christmas Eve 2015 - and somehow mistaking it for hating him?? Simon is not stupid but sometimes he’s real dumb. Visual prompt: Agatha and Simon meet on the ramparts, both looking for Baz, and break up.

19 The Sun - Simon - This card is all about innocence, optimism and joy. Nothing about this series personifies this more than Simon flying above Shepard’s truck in America, feeling free and hopeful about the future for the first time in over a year. Visual prompt: Shepard’s truck drives through the vast empty desert, the sun beating down. Simon flies above the truck, joy on his face.

20 Judgement - Niamh and Agatha - Ok, this one was hard to figure out and this is maybe not the right solution, but I was very stuck. Judgement is about self improvement through self reflection. As a small twist on that theme; Niamh and Agatha challenge each other’s view of themselves and their interactions with the world around them. Visual prompt: Agatha and Niamh, sweating to death in Niamh’s “shitty Ford Fiesta” (I’m very salty about that line; my Ford Fiesta is lovely and it has aircon). Niamh is frowning, obviously.

21 The World - Simon, Baz, Penny and Shepard - The World is about completeness, the ending of a story, fulfilment and belonging. At the end of AWTWB, Simon has finally found his biological family, he is starting to accept that his boyfriend and his found family love him for who he is, magic or no, and he can finally start to imagine a future for himself. Baz has learned new information about his vampirism, Penny has found new confidence and Shepard is finally fully accepted into the group. Visual prompt: Baz, Penny and Shepard sit on Simon’s sofa (possibly still pink from Baz’s spell, possibly he spelled it navy blue again) Simon sits on the floor. They’re all eating leftover sandwiches and cake from Lady Ruth’s.

[mc-doppomine]

Dunno why this came to mind...maybe calculating Jakurai’s deal here...Who knows but here I am imagining how much schooling these boys have gone through. 

As a note, I am not saying their schooling level as any jab to them. All people are different. Some would prefer going to school, some do not have the opportunity and some have other things to do. It really is many reasons why they would or wouldn’t go on. And I’m just guessing what I think they’ve done based off information we have of them. 

Buster Bros!!!

Ichiro I feel only completed compulsory school and some of high school. He was too busy supporting the orphanage and his brothers to really keep up with it. And considering Yorozuya Yamada is likely their only source of income, he hasn’t really gone back either. I don’t that particularly bothers Ichiro since while he wasn’t bad at school he wouldn’t say he liked it either. 

Jiro is at the age where he didn’t have to go to school anymore but Ichiro made him stay. As it was just better options for Jiro if he does finish school. He also doesn’t go to cram school as 1) he can’t stand school as is, 2) he likely goes to help Ichiro with the business and 3) there’s a chance they can’t afford to send him. Despite the latest drama tracks, I don’t see school being a point of contention between them even if Jiro doesn’t like school. I don’t see him pursuing a traditional higher education, if he even goes at all.

Saburo is still in compulsory school as far as I understand so it’s not really a question of if he goes. But obviously Ichiro would want him to stay. Especially him because he’s good at it and seems to like it. That and it might help Saburo’s social skills to have to be around kids his age. For the most of the same reasons, Saburo doesn’t do cram school either. If anything he probably could tutor if he didn’t get so easily frustrated with people. I do feel he could make it to the top schools when he gets older but I see an interest in going overseas for uni.

Mad Trigger Crew

Samatoki I don’t think went past compulsory schooling. He was too busy with yakuza stuff to really deal with school. I see him getting into a lot of fights over his background, namely badmouthing of his parents. He probably had Nemu stay though because he wanted her to have options. I think he’s really good with money even though he probably hasn’t had to worry about it for a long time

Jyuto I initially was gonna say did go to college but researching a little bit, he probably didn’t. He only would need to finish high school and pass exams. Which I feel he was prepared for. Like I think he’s been set on being a cop for a long time and worked for that. Which is why I’ll also go out on a limb and say that in high school this boy was a runner so he was also in shape for his training when he passed exams. I also think Jyuto was a good boy student.

Rio likely went into military service as soon as he could, which I believe is 18 over there. It’s a little harder to tell about how the service was since the world of hypmic is one that had another war, so it’s likely his time was busier than what it would be normally for someone in the navy. He absolutely could’ve gone to uni and come back to get a better rank but I don’t think Rio really cared about that aspect of it. (This man knows communications and some hacking, you cannot tell me he couldn’t have gone far) I will say he likely took advantage of his half-American status and is fluent in English as it would’ve been useful for joint exercises with the states. I think the dissolution of the navy really shot him in the foot but he’s just too resourceful to keep down with that.  

Fling Posse

Ramuda...obviously didn’t. And I don’t think his records would show anything. Like if it had to show anything, it would probably show him going to a super large school where it’s completely possible no one knows who the hell he was (because he was never there). And if he was based off someone, he likely had some of his credentials taken from them. He understand the culture of schooling though, I mean his style and personality does seem to draw girls high school age and older. 

Gentaro is pretty hard to imagine to be honest. I don’t see him enjoying his school life and being around classmates for an extended amount of time. And while I think he could’ve spent some time in academia in literary research, I also see him finding it way too stuffy for writing. But I think ultimately...he went to uni for a short time. For some reason I just don’t see him vibing with how the system is for it. 

Dice did not. I don’t think he finished high school although he could’ve if he wanted. But he probably avoids it because it’d be an easier way to keep track of him and run contrary to his stray sort of life style. 

Matenrou

Jakurai...is a doctor...I sure HOPE he went to school for his profession. So he studied some of the stuff you need for doctoring during his time as an assassin but he didn’t actually go into studying to be a doctor until he quit his killing at 23. He probably went into the national defense medical college, which seems to be 6 year program but you have an extra 2-3 years of compulsory service with it. I think he likely finished his compulsory service, at the latest, a year before the Dirty Dawg timeline. Or OR he faked his schooling and just knew the equivalent knowledge from his time as an assassin and was able to pass his exams and later studied whatever he lacked. He’s basically fully legally certified NOW, don’t worry...

Hifumi I just can’t see going past high school. Like I’ve always seen the incident happening in his last year of high school and it made it difficult for him to even finish. And considering he claimed in the first Matenrou drama track that he didn’t find a way to live with his phobia until he was 20...I don’t think he went. Not that he would’ve been interested in it. Hifumi is interested in what he likes and wouldn’t want to put the effort either way. I don’t think he really cares and he has more than enough skills (and money) to do just about whatever he wants.

Doppo likely went to uni. He couldn’t get into the real prestigious schools and knew he couldn’t so just went for wherever he could get into rather than wait to test again. I feel like his degree is in either accounting or business. I think he had a part-time while in school to pay for it since it seems like his family might not be as well off or he didn’t want to burden his parents (in a passing conversation I think he mentioned paying for his brother’s exams or schooling). For some reason I also can see him having a minor in biology because I see him either knowing a lot about plants or knowing a lot about marine life. What kind of person just thinking of a water flea for like a small creature?

Dotsuitare Hompo

Sasara I feel like he didn’t go past high school. Not that he couldn’t. Just that he didn’t find a need to? Not when he was set on going into comedy. Like it was either make it or be trapped with his family. And he was hard noooope. 

Rosho....is a teacher? I sure HOPE he went for his teaching certificate. I don’t think he was going to initially and might not have while he was doing the comedy game with Sasara? Their time line is a little fuzzy, I haven’t found the indicator of if Rosho and Sasara disbanded before he went to MCD or after. If it was before, then yes he went to school after they disbanded. If not, then he was in school while doing the manzai thing. So yeah dual major of mathematics (or statistics) and education (he didn’t need both but I have faith in him).

Rei most definitely went to fucking uni. This bastard would let you think he didn’t but he did. He’s probably a fucking doctor or just shy of it. Drives me mad. Why am I sure? Because if Rei is behind the hypnosis mics. As in the designer and/or inventor of it, he is a scientist or engineer of some type. I see him having a degree in either biotechnology or neuroscience. I learn towards the latter because I feel like he also got a minor in psychology (or y’know what, business is possible too for a minor). Just to mess with people.

Bad Ass Temple

Kuko I feel was the same as Ichiro in that he went to high school but not necessarily finishing it. I don’t believe he would’ve had to...if anything he’s gone back to his teachings at his temple. Yet it seems he doesn’t do that either so I’m not sure. I just don’t think he did anything past high school. 

Jyushi I think he might’ve just finished high school? I don’t know if he was just finishing or he’s soon to be doing exams. But I think he’s going to finish regardless. Y’know I feel like Jyushi would’ve liked going to uni. I can’t think of what he’d go to school for though! Would it be adding too much work to a passion if he did something with music theory? 

Hitoya...is a lawyer? So yeah? And you have to wonder if Hitoya is a masochist or loves to learn or what have you. Because he was in medical school WITH Jakurai. And then when they part ways, he quits and then goes into LAW. Are you kidding me? Hitoya, Hitoya please...I looked it up, he HAS to be a masochist! Law in Japan is super hard to get into! It has one of the most difficult bar exams to exist! What are you doing, man??? Although...I think Hitoya is still fairly new as a lawyer though because him starting when I assume Jakurai started school at 23, would have him only being fully practicing for 5 years. And that’s assuming he dropped out the first year and not later...which would only shrink he years outside. Unless whatever he got for his bachelors was applicable for law too (behavioral science?)...either way, yes he’s done it and he sure does do a lot to beat a guy that doesn’t even know they’re competing. 

[fmdrohan]

hello, hi ! 👋🏽  i hope this introduction post finds everyone well. ♡ i’m no one new to these parts, but for those of you who don’t know me, you can call me alé. i’m 21+, use he/him pronouns, and i’m the current typist for aria’s main vocalist, nina seo, & now, i’m bringing you all yet another muse. so, without further delay, i’d love to introduce you to brand-new creation of mine called 𝖞𝖔𝖔 𝖗𝖔𝖍𝖆𝖓. he is knight’s main dancer, sub vocalist, and rapper, as well as their currently marketed “sexy” member. outside of his career, he’s honestly just one big douche-bag skater kid that seeks cheap thrills, and who wants to do nothing more than put a smile on your face... even if causes him trouble sometimes. more info about him is below the cut, so please like this to plot ! ♡ tumblr im’s or discord by request.✨ 

𝖍𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖞.

born in seoul, south korea, to a working class, christian family.

mom was a manager at a local restaurant, dad worked at a law firm.

both of them were busy all the time; they lived paycheck-to-paycheck.

he didn’t get much attention at home, so he sought it out at school.

there, he was known as a a huge “class clown” or “class daredevil.”

all he wanted was to put smiles on people’s faces and push limits.

did he end up in the principal’s office a lot? YES, that was his “brand.”

as he got older, his class clownery turned to pranks and thrill-seeking.

he also became HELLA interested in skateboarding and parkour lmao.

rohan felt as if he wasn’t living if he wasn’t on constantly on the edge.

he’s broken a few bones, endured tons of scrapes, but never gives in

this, obviously, didn’t please his mother and father... they were just busy.

too busy to reprimand him and care—rohan got away with a loooot of shit.

he didn’t start receiving discipline until he was scouted by bc entertainment.

despite his messy hair, distinct style, and overall vibe, he fit the bill somehow.

the two years he spent in practice changed him a little as a person; for better.

he found a new love in dancing, and he was naturally pretty great at it tbh.

his background made him extremely coordinated, flexible, and really strong.

his fearlessness made him bold enough to try out new moves or stunts.

two years later, he débuted as a main dancer and kept his impulses at bay.

this isn’t exactly what he saw himself doing in life, but he wasn’t mad at it.

over time, his image began to shift into sexier and “stud-lier” territory.

his outfits became more revealing and he was treated differently in public.

this... fucks him up a lot because it’s the exact opposite of how he is.

he’s just some skater / parkour punk that gives off dumb big bro vibes.

how on earth do they expect him to be portray and convey sexy 24/7?

as this is more of a “job” to him than passion, he does what they tell him to.

so long as his checks get signed and he accumulates wealth, he’s good.

𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞.

as mentioned above, rohan gives off very douchey “big brother” vibes.

he’ll pick on you, tease you, pull pranks on you, etc. all in the name of fun.

he’ll go too far sometimes, and he’ll feel bad, but has “no regrets.” 😎  lol.

lowkey loooves anime and draws his own bad sketches; also into sci-fi.

underneath the dumb, douchebag exterior is just a big ol’ nerd, that’s all.

if you’re a cute guy, he’ll DEFINITELY flirt with you—taken or not taken lol.

he’s someone that hasn’t really let being an idol ruin his personal life tbh??

he still does whatever the fuck he wants within the constraints of his contract.

though, whenever he gets “bored,” he does things he’s not supposed to.

bc entertainment’s warned him of being careful not to injure himself, but...

i don’t really think he cares at this point in his career; he likes more freedom.

little random, but he loooves underground / indie rock music and rap, too.

one of those assholes that doesn’t really listen to any other idol music lmao.

to be fair though, he’s not really a massive fan of knight’s music either. 😁

he just sings or raps whatever they tell him to and rolls with the punches.

lowkey wants to take up tattooing and graffiti at some point, he’s that guy.

loooves to talk and meet new people, even if they find him a li’l annoying.

whenever he’s stressed, angry, upset, hungry... he shows it with aggression.

it’s never gotten intense much, but he’s not much of a sensitive “crier” yk.

there’s more of him for me to discover as time goes on, so that’s it for rn!

𝖕𝖑𝖔𝖙-𝖑𝖎𝖓𝖊𝖘.

no plots page yet, sry :/// i’ve been a little busy this week rip.

some ideas will be below though so lmk if they appeal to you!

one, he’s definitely known to ghost people, so... maybe your muse is one of ‘em? like, this would be locked to males in the lgbt community, but you know. give him some really awkward encounters to make him feel like shit for ditching you after tons of sweet talk. sad thing is, he’s aware of it, and it’s mostly because of his schedule, but also ??? he’s just having fun, you know. he doesn’t wanna get tied down to anything right now.

two, maybe that ONE GIRL he tried to fuck with at the beginning of his career. while he knows he’s always been attracted to men, i think he would’ve convinced himself to at least try it out with a woman to make sure he wasn’t also interested in them, too. he’s a MASSIVE flirt and sweet talker, definitely made her feel special, but like... it never really went anywhere because... he just wasn’t into it, but didn’t wanna make her mad lmao. clearly ended up in a break-up and it could be both an ugly or pretty ending imo idk.

three, i’d DIE if other muses in famed were super into skating, or anime, or really any of his interests, too, and they’ve formed a “club” of sorts? just your local band o’ dirtbags who get together and fuck shit up a little bit here and there. i feel like this could be open to anyone who shares any of his interests tbh ??? maybe closer to his age is preferred, but honestly, i’m here to discuss whatever! i’m all for compromises and shit tbh.

four, maybe someone’s he’s lowkey seeing ( male, male-presenting lock ) that he’s really vibing with, but he just can’t... feasibly reason why he should have a bf right now. he’s got a lot going on, so he’s kind of a flake, but at the same time, he doesn’t intend to be an asshole to them. they’re maybe one of the only people he’s “softer” with. can end up romantic or platonic depending on how they handle it together, me thinks!

five, a dance partner or two would be pretty cool tbh! he’s not a dancer first, so he likes to dance with other people who are passionate about it to learn from ‘em. he can handle his own with choreography, but doesn’t have his own distinct style, so he’d really appreciate all the help he can get in becoming better ig? all in the name of work!

six, maybe a person who fucking HAAAATES him because they find him really annoying and super douchey, so they just... avoid him at all costs. however, he kinda picks up on the fact that they avoid him, so he pesters them even worse, which doesn’t end well... ever. this is definitely more open to anyone tbh and we can plan as we go!

seven, flipside where it’s someone that he CAN’T stand because he finds them really persnickety, snobby, and rude as fuck. if there’s one thing he hates A LOT, it’s bratty rich kids with silver spoons in their mouths. like, if this was a “the outsiders” verse, he’d be a greaser 1000000%, not a soc. lmao. he’d butt-heads with this person a fuck-ton.

eight, however many guys wanna piece of him, he’s happy to have a catalogue of fwb’s he calls on. he’s definitely not someone who says no to a good time, and he can act like a perfect boyfriend if that’s what you want. sadly, this’ll always be a temporary game. any of these fwb’s can go in many directions and can be plotted out individually!

nine, the age old question... “who’s your ideal type?” under pressure, he said you as a joke ( because of this, it could be male or female ) and now, fans of your respective groups ship you two together all the time. it’s a little awkward, and you two haven’t really talked about it much, but here you are... at a shared event sitting next to each other. how do you handle it? what do you do? is it awkward or all in good fun?

ten, someone who kinda hates that he doesn’t really take being an “idol” all the serious. he’s got a lot of shit on his bucket list he wants to do and he doesn’t let fame fuck with that, so he’s careless. he didn’t go into this business because of passion, it’s just where he ended up. your muse doesn’t like that, and thinks people like him are lazy as fuck.

[irenereru]

For the Daft Punk asks: 1993-2021.

Yes, Irene. I want you to answer all of them (except the ones you don’t want to answer, of course ❤️).

/2B

Well well well, this is gonna take a while! I already answered 2011 to 2013 in this ask right here, so I’ll be skipping those!

1993: When did you first hear about Daft Punk? That’s an odd question, and hard to answer. 

During my childhood I KNOW I heard songs like Around The World, Music Sounds Better With You, One More Time, Harder Better Faster Stronger, and Technologic later on. 

It wasn’t until around 2011 when I had my first contact with Daft Punk, when on a restaurant, on a TV in the background, One More Time was playing. I could not hear the song, but the visuals catched my attention and I became fascinated. Sadly, I did not catch who’s song was that, nor the title. 

It wasn’t until Get Lucky and RAM released that I FINALLY figured out who Daft Punk were. The moment I saw the robots, when I rediscovered and watched Interstella 5555 in it’s entirety in one setting, then, was when i got hooked up to them, forever.

1994: What do you find most striking about the band? THE ROBOTS! I love the dessigns, they have SO MUC PERSONALITY. But other things I love are, obviously, their music, the “not giving a shit” actitude, and the way they worked. That’s something I admire a lot, keeping control of your works. As an artist myself, it’s something that can be really important and can help you out in the future.

1995: Do you have any favorite music videos? I love Interstella 5555 with my whole heart. The Homework MVs, specially Burnin’, hold a special place in my heart. I love that in Burnin’ the boys make a cameo for a split second, wearing odd costumes and wigs.

1996: What do you think about the Homework album? Pretty good! I love house music, and it’s certainly the album that introduced me to the genre, so... Da Funk, Around The World, they’re just absolute BANGERS. The “harder” songs on the album aren’t really my thing, tho...

1997: What do you think about Alive 1997? A bit bare-bones, not gonna lie. It’s like 45 minutes long. That’s not a lot. It certainly is something of it’s time. What I love the most are the scarce pictures and videos of that era of them playing live. You can REALLY tell they’re having a blast, specially Thomas.

1998: Do you have any favorite remixes/mash-ups? Their remix of Chord Memory is certainly one of my favorites. It really gives you a... Something. It feels like it’s telling a story, with it’s change of tone later on and then mashing both. Also, that WDPK 83.7 reference!

1999: Has your opinion of the band changed over time? Not really. It just started high and they stay high as my favorite band/musicians. They’re extremely inspiring, specially for the fact they did so many different things, but all feeling so unique to them at the same time. Them also being nice people and supporting of social rights and the LGBT community is certainly a great plus!

2000: Do you have a favorite ‘era’ of Daft Punk? Discovery. It’s the most fun, colorfull, and the one they seemed more “silly”. The robots appeared in their rainbowy marvel and odd/oversized clothes.

2001: What do you think about the Discovery album? It’s My FAVORITE! There are barely no songs I dislike. It have so many different vibes, feelings, you have vocal tracks and instrumental tracks, all with the same quality... And my favorite song from them, Something About Us, is from that album.

2002: Has Daft Punk inspired you creatively? Absolutely. Like, 100%.

2003: What do you think about Interstella 5555? They could’ve worked on that lip-sink a bit better, it’s something that ALWAYS pulls me off. But aside from that, it’s a great concept, and a very special animated film. You can tell there was a lot of care put on it.

2004: Are there any lyrics in particular that stuck with you? Within. That song just, resonates so much with me. Check out my other post with answers, I talk in depth about it!

2005: What do you think about the Human After All album? You can tell it was made in 2 weeks. They were angry, frustrated. And you get a lot of “Thomas Vibe” in that. It feels like it wasn’t a good time for them and it’s reflected in the album.

2006: What do you think about the Musique album? The only good thing from it is that they FINALLY re-released Musique and those remixes! Also, in the special version, you get the Interstella 5555 DVD, which is how I got the movie myself physically!

2007: What do you think about Alive 2007? It’s just great. I wish there was an official version of the entire concert edited by them, where you could see the visuals, the vibes, and the boys all in one enjoying themselves. I’m sad I couldn’t go see them, but at the time I just did not know who they were, and I was only 11. I remember seeing their pyramid on TV when they came to Spain in 2006! I thought it looked really extra, and it really is.

2008: What do you think about Electroma? It’s heartcrushing. I have the feeling they could’ve cutted the ending a little, and I don’t really get why of the dunes looking like a woman and going like, inside the vagina... But still. Also, I can not laugh when they wear the human masks. They’re so ugly x’D Is that how they see themselves?

The bathroom scene ALWAYS gets me. GM08 getting extremely mad and frustrated, while TB3 tries to hold on to what’s left until it can’t be recovered... That says SO MUCH about them, about the robots, as characters and people. You can really get what they’re feeling.

The ending, though... That ending. My god. Everyone always talks about TB3′s death, but the one that really got me the most is GM08′s. It seemed like he wanted to keep going, but finding himself alone ends up being his demise. They need each other. And when he tries to reach to his self-destruct button but cannot, and he just stares in the distance... I really, REALLY felt that.

2009: Do you have a favorite Daft Punk cameo/reference? I talked about the Burnin’ video before, but if I have to think of something else... I think their cameos in different productions are great. Like Sebastien Tellier’s videos of the songs he made with Guy-Man, one with magazines with drawing of GM08, while on the other he appears as a background guy, face partially covered... Also Thomas’ cameo in the movie Realité, where his wife is one of the secondary characters, where he just, again, appears for a split second. I find those really funny.

2010: What do you think about TRON: Legacy? It had a lot going on, but it’s story just... Was bad. The effects are cool (except for the guy they tried to make look younger), and I love that Daft Punk just kept vibing when the fight breaks out at the club. Aside from that, that’s all.

2014: What’s your favorite moment of Daft Punk at the GRAMMYs? The hug. Come on, that’s like, the loveliest thing ever. You can tell how happy and emotional they were. They even had to hold Thomas’ hand because his helmet fogged on the inside.

2015: Do you have friends who like Daft Punk? Hmm... Does all the cool people I’ve met in the fandom count? ;D Specially @edbangingrobot and @invader-777 they’re the coolest people ever <3

2016: What Daft Punk collaborations stood out to you? Probably the one with The Weeknd, but only because of their AMAZINGLY COOL COSTUMES, more than anything. Those have to be my all-time favorite looks for the robots.

2017: Did you get to see Daft Punk live? No :(

2018: How does Daft Punk fit into your taste in music? They have that disco-electro-house vibe I LOVE so much. Why do you think Discovery is my favorite? x’D Tho my tastes go all over the place, if I’m honest. You just have to take a look around my Spotify playlist to see what I’m talking about.

2019: What Daft Punk song makes you smile? One More Time, Digital Love, Voyager and Give Life Back To Music. If you wanna make me get in a good mood, play those.

2020: Did Daft Punk help you get through tough times? They certainly helped me focus on something. I found them in one of the toughest, darkest times of my life. Just had to drop out of school due to my mental illness, only to be abandoned by my old friends, while my family did not listen to me about my depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. Not only that, but we also moved for the third time in a decade, and it wasn’t for fun reasons. Having Daft Punk’s music there as a new discovery to me certainly helped, with their cheerfull, thoughtless songs for a time where everything felt too much.

2021: How are you “holding on” after the split? I am extremely sad we will never get to see the robots again. They’re a really important part of my life. Just like their music. All I hope is that they’re in good therms, and that they’ll be happy for now on. We do not know the reason, but there surely was one behind their decission. If any of them does make something new in the future, I’ll make sure to check it out. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve done things aside from Daft Punk.

[borathae]

~Chapter 25~ Jesus Christ and i thought the last chapter was a rollercoasterride. When Jungkook said "you are the love of my life" now that...broke me. No joke I literally got chills when jungkook said that, like i am not joking. Also "No darling, i mean y/n" aaaah there it is again 👀 Also forehead kithes, yes.

🖤 Strangers - FLETCHER

When oc & kook started talking it just felt so real. Like how people that had such a special bond can become strangers again. Like when you were SO FUCKING close with someone you could talk about everything and now you don't even know how to start a conversation. "The way we ended it, you know it makes me sick how two people once could be so in love, now we never talk. [...] and I hate that I hurt you. What I know right now, I wish I knew then. [...] We started out as strangers, now we're strangers again."

🖤 No Right To Love You - Rhys Lewis

Jungkook knowing and acknowledging he fucked up, to the point where he feels like he doesn't even deserve ocs love anymore. "To jump was my decision, I've only got myself to blame. 'Cause I have no right to love you when I chose to walk away. I have no right to miss you when I didn't wanna stay and I have no right to need you. And I knew what my heart was gonna lose. I have no right to love you but I do. I still do."

🖤 Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

This one is just so fitting. Especially with the part where jk was really opening up about what oc really means to him and that he lowkey only sees a future with her. Like she really showed him what love feels like. "I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold." Alsoooo when he said that once he realised all that, he just had to come back, there was no other option. "Show me how to fight for now and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out. You were right here all along." And then the part of the song where it literally goes "you are, you are the love of my life" over and over again 💔 Also this line: "So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone." Jungkook is evolving.

🖤 What We Had - Sody

This would have fit the last chapter so much but I just discovered this song and I think this also kinda represents what Jungkook feels about the whole OC x Hobi situation. We see he's bettering himself in that he's trying to walk away from the situation and deal with his emotions alone instead of exploding in ocs face bc that is toxic. And he's very open about his feelings, communication is key in a healthy relationship. But still, he is jealous bc he loves oc and therefore obviously doesn't want to imagine her with another man. "I know I'm being selfish and I've got no right but I can't help thinking about you tonight. And I don't wanna say it 'cause I know it's bad but I don't want somebody having what we had. I know I'm being stupid but I just can't stop thinking that you're with somebody and I'm not." Also this part: "I've still got the pictures from the memories that we once made, can't seem to let them go, I thought that we'd grow old. Down to see you happy but I don't want to see you happy without me."

🖤 I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - Demi Lovato

I feel like this represents oc's feelings really well, like the way she's torn between wanting him back and struggling to forgive him. "I hate you, don't leave me. 'Cause I love when you kiss me. I'm in pieces, you complete me. But I can't back down, no, I can't deny that I'm staying now 'cause I can't decide, confused and scared." The song even talks about the physical touch part with which oc is struggling as well, wanting to be held by kook but at the same time being scared of what his touch ignites in her. "I hate you, don't leave me. I feel like I can't breathe. Just hold me, don't touch me." Also the ending of this chapter really felt like oc was trying to make sure that jk knows that she needs him and that it's definitely not fully over eventhough she's so torn. "I admit, I'm in and out of my head. [...] Just hear me out before you run away 'cause I can't take this pain, no. [...] Been abandoned, and I'm scared now. I can't handle another fall out, I'm fragile."

🖤 Side of My Heart - Katelyn Tarver

Same as with the song before. Oc struggling with her feelings. "Half of me wants to come over and spill every thought that's inside of my head. Half of me wants to unlearn every turn that would take to get into your bed. One foot on the gas, one foot on the brakes. One out the door and one trying to stay. [...] I can start telling myself once we get through the mess, we'll be stronger for it. But then I start thinking that if I was stronger, I wouldn't put up with your shit. One minute I'm sad, the next I feel crazy." And this "I need you all the way here or all the way gone", how oc got angry for a sec when jk told her he's leaving again.

Sorry these are getting longer everytime, I'm invested haha 😢✌

Okay first of all never apologize for your song recs getting long! Please I love them so much, you could sent in a whole novel and I would read every single letter of it 🥺💜  

 Strangers - FLETCHER

Okay first of all that song has such JKMusic vibes, which just adds a whole level of flavour to it omfg 🤧 Also no joke this is literally so them ommgmg. Like when the reader is all like “help why is it so weird talking to him? what happened?” that song could play in the background omfg 🤧😔 but also omfg this line “No time's the right time to reach out but here I go [...] all the things we said and couldn't take back, swear I never meant it, and I hate that I hurt you.” is so Jungkook and him struggling to reach out to here for months 😔

No Right To Love You - Rhys Lewis

I don’t even know what part to quote because the whole entire song is basically Jungkook in this chapter. Holy shit :( I am acHING HAHAHHAH you don’t even know how many times I listened to that song while I was writing this chapter. And then you go and rec it and I am just like 😩 we are sharing a braincell anonie 😔

Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

I don’t know what I should add here anonie. Your description and the lyrics you chose are literally perfect. There is nothing to add here other than :(( I am bIG SAD :(( 

What We Had - Sody

YES OMFG! First of all I 100% agree with you that this also fits perfectly with chapter 24 😔 also lisTEN HOW DO YOU FIND SONGS THAT JUST FIT SO 

R I G H T???

Like I am literally blown away, it’s freaking amazing and I am :( Also omfg this part “I've still got the pictures from the memories that we once made, can't seem to let them go.” if that isn’t them both realising that they both carried a part of the other with them. OC with the half-finished tattoo and the polaroid and JK with the finished drawing :( I am soBBING

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - Demi Lovato

😭😭😭 anonie lisTEN I AM GOING TO SMOOCH YOU hfhdshfh your description, the parts you quoted I am just wOw I couldn’t have said it better. Fuck you saying “ she wants to be held by kook but at the same time being scared of what his touch ignites in her.” I am ACHING 😭😭 aLSO THIS PART “Been abandoned, and I'm scared now. I can't handle another fall out.” if that isn’t her being all scared of giving in I am :(

Side of My Heart - Katelyn Tarver

This song is so beautiful omg, I teared up hahahah hELP lisTEN I am :( this shows her struggle so well, like especially that part “I need you all the way here or all the way gone [...] I want you to go and I want you to stay.” this made me think of when they were all like “guess that’s it then, the end of our relationship” and yet neither one of them stood up and left because deep down they both didn’t want their relationship to end. I am a broKEN WOMAN 😭

Thank you so much anonie, listening to those songs literally just made my day. I mean lol they did tug at my heartstrings, but it was a good kinda tug 🤧 seriously I appreciate you so much, I love you lots my lovely anonie 🥺💜💕

[pivitor]

My Top 10 Albums of 2019

2019 will go down, for me, as the year my beloved iPod died, and I finally bit the bullet and signed up for Spotify Premium. Thus, I listened to more new music in 2019 than I ever have before, and realized how much of it I found disposable. Bands I grew up loving put out mediocre efforts, new darlings grew in directions I wasn’t interested in following, but thank god, thank god there are still plenty of terrific musicians putting out work that resonates deep within my soul. Music is subjective, so I wouldn’t dare call this a “best of” list, but below are the ten new releases of 2019 that I listened to the most, vibed with the most, that just plain ol’ meant the most to me this year.

(PS: Don’t think too much about the exact order and ranking here. It changed multiple times even as I was writing this. What really matters is that all ten of these records rule)

10. Radar State -- Strays

Radar State are the Avengers of the early 2000s mid-west emo scene -- a band combining The Get Up Kids’ Matt Pryor and Jim Suptic, The Anniversary’s Josh Berwanger, and The Architects’ Adam Phillips into a single supergroup. Pryor has described the project as “just having fun with [his] friends,” and that dynamic shines through loud and clear in Strays. It’s like each member is pushing the next to just create the catchiest song they possibly can, and the competition leads to great results; Pryor favors fast and sloppy punk and Berwanger moody earworms that fuse themselves into your brain through sheer repetition, but it’s Suptic who fulfills that edict best with his shiny, addictive pop love songs. Radar State never quite hits the emotional highs of its members’ main projects, but that was never the point in the first place; Strays is just fun from front to back, and it’s an album I’ve returned to consistently throughout the entirety of 2019.

Highlights: Making Me Feel, Self-Hurt Guru, Artificial Love

9. The Early November -- Lilac

Lilac is an album about learning from your mistakes and making a conscious choice to be better, and it’s a theme, an ethos that truly defines this release on every level. The Early November originally planned to release Lilac back in 2018, but ended up scrapping the original recording and going back to the drawing board, knowing that they could do better, and funneling that ambition, all their lessons learned, into their most ambitious release outside of The Mother, The Maker, and the Path (“but less self-indulgent,” I say with love). Horns, piano, and a wide variety of tempos spice up the proceedings, and the lyrics are more raw and honest than ever, but Lilac’s greatest weapon is the vocals, which Ace Enders wields with virtuoso skill. He plays with different cadences and deliveries, giving every song a unique feel, moving from soft and pleasant (“Perfect Sphere [Bubble]”) to menacing (“My Weakness”), from the joy of “Ave Maria” to the cathartic, powerhouse vocal explosion of “Hit By A Car (Euphoria)” to the pure, crackling, barely contained emotional breakdown threatening to burst right out of the chorus of “Our Choice.” There’s no other vocalist out there quite like Ace Enders -- and no other record quite like Lilac.

Highlights: Hit By A Car (In Euphoria), Ave Maria, Comatose

8. Magazine Beach -- Sick Day (EP)

Most year-end lists probably overlooked this record, a debut four-song EP from a small DIY band released in mid-December, and man oh man are those critics missing out. Sick Day isn’t just the biggest and best musical surprise I received all year, but quite possibly the most fun I had listening to music in 2019. Seriously, I played this on loop probably two dozen times the day I discovered it, and spent that evening forcing friends to listen to it too. Magazine Beach’s tongue-in-cheek lyrics, gonzo riffs, and stunning background harmonies are combined with vocals whose flatter, sardonic tone initially masks, but soon reveals their perfect cadence and quick crackles of emotion; they’re as close to a perfect pop-punk package as I heard all year, with their quirky, relatable songs about flaky friends, overstuffed social calendars, and other mid-twenties challenges filling that gaping Modern-Baseball-You’re-Gonna-Miss-It-All-shaped hole in my heart. If this had released earlier in the year, and I’d had more time to see how long it truly stuck with me, it might have placed far, far higher on this list, but either way I look forward to carrying this album forward with me into 2020, and I look forward to following Magazine Beach’s future career closely. I think they could go places.

Highlight: Living Room

7. Masked Intruder -- III

It’s easy to look at Masked Intruder and think that they’re more of an act than a band, just because they’re so good at playing hardened-yet-harmless criminals on stage, at enchanting an audience with their antics and banter alone. Thankfully, they’re equally skilled as musicians as they are performers; III isn’t just quick content for their live shows, but an entertaining, addictive, artfully made pop-punk record in its own right. Okay, maybe pop-punk is a bit too restrictive a descripter -- between the doo-wop, call-and-response harmonies and the raging riffs and solos, III sometimes sounds like a modern spin on sixties rock and roll, which is something I did not know I needed but absolutely needed. The lyrics never break kayfabe, but there’s some real clever stuff going on beneath the surface of these silly crime-themed love songs; contrasting the creepiness of Blue’s romantic pursuits with the shenanigans of a typical radio love song shows how few differences there actually are between the two, how creepy the entire genre is when you stop to give it any thought. It’s thoughtful and subversive without ever being preachy, just one more spinning plate kept perfectly balanced in the act that is III.

Highlights: Not Fair, Maybe Even, I’m Free (At Last)

6. Martha -- Love Keeps Kicking

Martha’s secret weapon is the empathy and compassion their songs cultivate for their subjects. Love Keeps Kicking is an album largely about the way love can kick you when you’re down, yet throughout the album Martha never villainizes even the bad actors in relationships. “Into This” finds the narrator jerked around by a potential partner who just won’t clarify what they are to each other, but the song isn’t out to attack the partner, simply to get a solid answer. Likewise, “Love Keeps Kicking” lays out a myriad of detailed complaints about romance and relationships, not to insult, but simply to find a way to endure them. “Orange Juice” rues the way the narrator diluted their partner just by being with them, showing impressive (and heartbreaking) levels of self-awareness. That kind of emotional maturity and complexity makes the true love songs (“Sight For Sore Eyes,” “Wrestlemania VIII”) all the more joyous, and makes their social commentary (“Mini Was A Preteen Arsonist”) that much more effective. Martha are a wonderfully catchy, fun band filled with great harmonies and British twang, but it’s their earnest, compassionate storytelling that truly made me fall in love with them, and with Love Keeps Kicking.

Highlights: Wrestlemania VIII, Love Keeps Kicking, Orange Juice

5. Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties -- Routine Maintenance

Hot take (?) incoming: Dan Campbell is the best songwriter of our generation. I already sang his praises pretty thoroughly last year when discussing my favorite album of 2018, but Routine Maintenance is just further proof of this truth, almost Campbell flexing. The previous Aaron West record was a character study of the worst year of a man’s life, but Routine Maintenance expands Aaron’s world in terms of scope, characters, and themes, all to the project’s (and character’s) benefit. The record is a tale of redemption, taking Aaron from rock bottom to a new place of security, all through the power of friendship and community, the power of music, and the power of family, of fulfilling your responsibilities to them, of finding your role and your home wherever you are, with the people who care about you, with people you can make proud. They’re themes Campbell has been exploring throughout his entire career, but brought down to a more personal level, and somehow that makes them hit harder than ever, perhaps because it makes the way they can fit into any listener’s life that much clearer. I’ve cried listening to this album. I’ve cried hearing these songs live. There’s true, true catharsis on Routine Maintenance, and it’s because Campbell’s taken Aaron West on a real journey, and it’s one I feel blessed to have been able to follow.

Highlights: Runnin’ Toward the Light, Rosa & Reseda, Winter Coats

4. Pkew Pkew Pkew -- Optimal Lifestyles

Pkew Pkew Pkew’s 2016 self-titled debut was an album told solely in the present tense, not worried about the future, but simply about the drinks, pizza, skateboarding, and parties to be had right here, right now. It was a blisteringly fun, gang-vocals filled powerhouse of a record that solidified Pkew Pkew Pkew as one of my new favorite bands. Optimal Lifestyles, though, is an album that has started to look back, if only to question the present. Are they still content to be these same fun-loving, hard-drinking party guys? Ultimately, as proven by lyrics such as “Shred until you’re dead, or until you break your wrist again” and “We lead thirsty little lives, and all we want’s another,” the answer they come to is a resounding “yes,” but the journey they take to find that answer not only makes it feel earned, but opens Pkew Pkew Pkew to some exciting new songwriting avenues, be it the touching introspection of “Drinkin’ Days” or the surprisingly beautiful nostalgia of “Everything’s the Same” (or even the more raucous nostalgia of “Mt. Alb,” for that matter). Don’t let words like “introspection” and “beautiful” scare you, though -- The Boys still rock as hard as ever, as the wailing, chugging guitars and even a totally rockin’ saxophone solo fully attest to (though I do miss all the gang vocals). And I’d be remiss to not mention “I Wanna See A Wolf,” an absolute songwriting clinic. In only a minute and nineteen seconds, Pkew Pkew Pkew takes a simple statement -- “I wanna see a wolf” -- and unravels it until it reveals a song about longing for freedom from the careers that cage our lives, even when they’re our dream. I don’t know if Pkew Pkew Pkew could have written this song three years ago. Talk about growth.

Highlights: I Wanna See A Wolf, Point Break, Adult Party

3. The Get Up Kids -- Problems

After their most popular record -- 1999’s Something To Write Home About -- the Get Up Kids’ next three albums all went on to be incredibly divisive among their fans. While all three records showed significant creative growth, none really sounded like what came before (personally, I very much enjoyed two of those records -- sorry, There Are Rules -- but I guess I’m not most fans). Problems, though, sounds like the natural evolution of Something To Write Home About without ever feeling derivative of it -- it sounds more like “the Get Up Kids” than anything the Get Up Kids have released in over a decade, which is an incredibly exciting thing let me tell you. Yet, Problems still benefits from everything the band has learned in that time: there’s new introspection (“The Problem Is Me”), a wider storytelling scope (“Lou Barlow”), and a shift from wallowing in their own pain to examining the pain of others (“Satellite,” which Matt Pryor has said is based on one of his sons). Problems also manages to pack in absolute bangers like “Fairweather Friends,” sensitive, tender ballads like “The Advocate,” and mid-tempo jams like “Salina,” a guaranteed future Emo classic that threatens to dethrone the Kids’ own “Central Standard Time” as The Quintessential Emo Song. Problems is the synthesis of just about everything that has ever made the Get Up Kids special, and it not only makes for one of the year’s best albums, but one of the Get Up Kids’ best as well.

Highlights: Fairweather Friends, Lou Barlow, Salina

2. PUP -- Morbid Stuff

The A-Side of Morbid Stuff is perfect -- a legitimately flawless five song stretch of punk rock that continues to blow my mind almost ten months after its release. The unmistakable opening notes of “Morbid Stuff”; that irresistible background riff from the bridge returning in “Kids’” second chorus, combined with some of the most nihilisticly romantic lyrics I’ve ever heard; the raucous sing-along that is “Free At Last”; the purest, most undiluted diss-track of the year in “See You At Your Funeral”; and, finally, the best song of the year bar none, “Scorpion Hill,” a sonic journey through multiple musical genres, telling a story of uniquely American misery that legitimately moves me to tears. The B-Side doesn’t quite live up to these first five tracks -- there’s a couple stand-outs (“Bare Hands” needs to make it into a live set pronto), a couple songs more interesting in concept than execution (sorry, “Full Blown Meltdown”), and a few more perfectly fine, standard PUP tunes (and I swear I don’t mean that as an insult!) -- but, well, how could it ever really have anyway? All together, it still makes for an outrageously enjoyable album that reaches the upper echelons of what 2019’s new music had to offer. That PUP was not only such a terrific band right out of the gate, but has remained so this far into their career, makes me so, so happy.

Highlights: Scorpion Hill, Kids, Free At Last

1. The Menzingers -- Hello Exile

It took me a few listens -- and, truthfully, seeing it played live -- to truly crack this album. At first it was a bit too slow, the vocals a bit too filtered, but once it clicked, I lived and breathed Hello Exile and nothing else for months. The slightly slower pace gives the Menzingers a chance to play around with some new musical tricks, be it the back-and-forth opening or the fun background guitar melodies of “Strangers Forever” or the almost hypnotic vocal melodies in the choruses of “Portland” or “Hello Exile,” and they pay off with great effect. Lyrically the Menzingers are at the top of their game; tracks like “High School Friend” and “Strain Your Memory” are more adept than ever at painting stories that make you nostalgic for a life you never even lived, but absolutely feel like you have, and lines like “it only hurts til’ it doesn’t” hit your heart with sniper-like precision. “Anna” may be the quintessential Menzingers song, a tale of longing, love, and location that drove the entire scene into a frenzy that still hasn’t subsided. “Farewell Youth” is the best closing track the Menzingers have ever released, a song about grief in multiple forms that manages to find poignant takes on each and every one of them. I’m not yet sure whether Hello Exile is the beginning or the end of a chapter for the Menzingers, but either way, it’s clearly an essential and unmissable part of their story, and one I feel privileged to be able to experience.

Highlights: Anna, Strangers Forever, Farewell Youth

[comeallyelost]

The Handmaid’s Tale 3x08 Thoughts

I think I'm getting a clearer picture of where this season is headed, but the way they are going about it is not at all ideal. 

Four sections to this post:

June

Aunt Lydia

General Episode Notes

The Racism Problem

1. On June’s Sanity

The plot is barely moving forward, but we're seeing more of June's descent into madness/ desperation and her loss of humanity as a result of losing her closest allies. (I'm gonna loop in Serena and Nick here because for a while at least, I think June believed Serena was in her camp post pinky-finger). 

So based on the looks of things, Nick's absence and ambiguity HAS to be intentional since it's having a direct effect on June's ability to cope with the horrors of Gilead.

This episode most definitely was used to paint June as the villain and Natalie/OfMatthew as the victim. They turned it around on us, implying that anyone can go mad here, even our protagonist whom we've been rooting for this entire time. And like, I don't really want to draw too many parallels here, because the development has been a better on THT and there is a much more tangled web of *things* going on, but I'm getting similar "mad queen" Dany vibes that were happening on Game of Thrones.

But honestly, what irks me most about this whole season is how we all came in expecting a season about the resistance. About Mayday, about June fighting back. June STAYED in Gilead for a reason. For Hannah. Or so we thought. Where is that narrative? We've gotten nothing so far. 

I would argue that it does makes sense for June's character to go darker, to go to extremes she would have never considered before. Especially without someone to anchor her down. Nick was her rock and he's gone. Not just physically, but in her mind she feels like she lost the person she thought he was. HOWEVER, just because these elements were removed, it serves no point for her to stray in this direction and lose sight of her daughter, of the fight against Gilead.  The handmaids this episode played out like a Mean Girls skit and poor Janine is this series' punching dummy and I'm getting tired of that.

Side note: Another facet of June’s spiral is the lack of flashbacks. Her ties to Luke, Hannah, Moira, and her life from before are fading. Nick keeping her sane and helping her survive in present Gilead was one side, but her ties to her humanity are also very much embedded in the person she was before. She may not be the same June, but it’s those memories that keep her fighting, that keep her going. And I don’t think we’ve seen a flashback since like...the beginning of ep 5 if I’m not mistaken.

It's been EIGHT episodes gdi. What do we have left? Five? I sincerely hope they're not wasted. But my hope is dwindling. Watching this week's ep I honestly felt like I was watching an entirely different show from the one I was so obsessed with last year.

2. On Aunt Lydia’s backstory

Yay! Woohoo we finally get a backstory for someone new. Except it’s Aunt Lydia, and I don’t think I ever found her compelling enough to merit a backstory. 

What I mean is, I always found her to be as pious as they come in Gilead and she serves the regime wholeheartedly. Her character was always finding a way to help others in some twisted radical christian logic and I was right!

What I do keep seeing people post about that I disagree with is that she “turned” on the young mom because she was rejected by a man. Her motivations are more complex than that. She mentions “moral weakness” enough that I think her compulsion to help others in the way she thought she was helping Noelle was to rid them of it. She thought herself above it, or at least she carried herself as someone who overcame moral weakness and thought it her calling to help others in overcoming it as well. 

So when she found herself displaying it towards the principal, I think something snapped in her. His rejection in the middle of their (intense) make-out session served as a wakeup call to her imo. And she blamed Noelle for making her “morally weak”.

So what we can draw from this flashback I’d say, is that Aunt Lydia’s whole schtick is helping others overcome their moral weakness as she puts it. She truly believes she is doing God’s work. She was totally okay with taking Noelle’s kid away from her. And so the brutalities she’s committed as an Aunt are not seen by her as such. She fits right in. A perfect fit for the role.

3. Thoughts I had while watching the Ep: - the chanting scene in the school gym felt like a nightmare/dream sequence - June’s posse is super clique-y which I kind of like if only they used their powers for the good of the resistance and not to terrorize OfMatthew/Natalie - June tattling on OfMatthew/Natalie was super petty. Can she please focus on the bigger picture? - Hannah and the Mackenzie’s are GONE. What now? I really really thought we were gonna see Hannah get out this season. - Janine is literally the only sane one and yet probably the one who has suffered most - Commander Lawrence's "Do not presume to speak to me about my wife" last episode versus. "I'll bet that felt good" this week - I didn’t quite understand OfMatthew’s behavior. I know she was terrified, and I know June outing her for her sinful thoughts rattled her, but her being on edge enough to beat Janine, kill a guardian, and take his gun? What broke her? - I also hated how that scene was filmed. It felt like a shooter video game sequence

4. On the racism problem:

THT's "colorblind" approach from the inception of the series was already problematic. Margaret Atwood's version of Gilead was based directly on the inequalities she saw in (her) present day. I completely get rejecting the notion of an all-white cast and their logic that a fertility crisis would take priority over racism, but hell, if there is one thing that is inherently american, it's RACISM. A fertility crisis wouldn't ERASE racism altogether. And that's how Hulu's version made it seem. 

Also, another element of Atwood's Gilead and the fertility issue was the underlying eugenics of it all which is not present whatsoever in the series. If we're exploring a fascist, oppressive regime, eugenics is definitely playing some sort of role. Casting a diverse group of women as handmaids and marthas was not a bad move. But simply having the POC ones making the background more "colorful" won't cut it. I think there could still have been a diverse cast with some sort of oppressive racial hierarchy in place within Gilead. The LGBTQ community is targeted, the women are entirely powerless and assigned roles within certain constructs, but they won't even mention race? It's like an unspoken elephant in the room they've decided to ignore. Which then makes all the actions against POC in the series that much more unsettling.

I'm questioning whether this racism is intentional then? Or just a consequence of the ingrained, learned racism we've all grown up with. Either way, it's a complete disaster. Diversity is not just seeing POCs onscreen. It's GIVING THEM A VOICE. It's letting them tell their version of things. Serena as the embodiment of white feminism, I thought, was intentional at first. June's ability to get away with SO MUCH and suffer hardly any consequences in this awful regime, I'm thinking now, is another example of white privilege in this society. And it can be. It would actually be a great tool IF IT WERE ACTUALLY ADDRESSED IN THE SERIES. But instead we just see POCs suffer, get no back stories, no voices, and just see June, Serena, and the other white handmaids carrying the series.

This episode we did get Aunt Lydia saying one of the households didn't want a handmaid of color. So there we had a teeny tiny glimpse into the fact that there is some underlying racism going on somewhere. But again, like all of the other snippets we've seen this season, it leads to nothing. It's not explored or examined or ever addressed again.

I was skeptical of OfMatthew's (Natalie) role as June's partner from the get go. No one here is doing anything except trying to survive. There are imo few actual villains in Gilead except those who constructed it for their own gain. Every single handmaid, martha, ~insert oppressed role in here~ is playing a role in order to survive. 

I've mentioned before that one of the elements I love (or maybe loved in past tense at this point) about this show is how it highlights humanity's capacity to endure suffering or see others endure suffering. When do you snap? Who falls in line and who resists? What are the triggers? What moral standards do you uphold when society as you knew it to be has been erased?  

So taking all that into consideration, OfMatthew/Natalie was never a villain for me. Annoying? Maybe in her intro. But she's popped out 3 kids. She's about to give birth to a 4th and is legit terrified for her daughter. Her snitching on June was shitty, but she was just trying to survive like everyone else. The fact that it cost the life of another martha (who was a POC) and June faced no repercussions was even shittier on the writers’ part.

This show has me going in circles honestly. Questioning whether these decisions were intentional or not. I don't know which one is worse. If it was intentional, the lack of actually addressing the racism in Gilead makes it pretty shitty on the part of the showrunners. If it was unintentional, then they really need to reexamine the writers room and staff more POCs. Like wtf.

[dropintomanga]

On Being Alone with Manga Art

When you live in a large city such as New York City, more often than not, you feel disconnected. A lot of people move fast to deal with their own lives while leaving many things behind. Not many people say hi to each other in a comforting manner. I recently got through a book about a woman’s perspective on dealing with loneliness in major cities. What was great about this book was her focus on certain well-known artists and learning from their works to combat loneliness.

The book left me thinking about how much looking at manga art over the years has helped or not helped any fans that feel isolated from the rest of the world.

The book was called “The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone” by Olivia Laing. Laing wrote about living in NYC while she was in her thirties. She described her time there to be very lonely, but found solace in exploring the city via art. Laing spoke about very notable artists (Andy Warhol was her first big mention) that went through loneliness in their lives and somehow tried to communicate their experiences through their works. In a way, art helped Laing process her own loneliness for the better. 

Reading the book made me think about my own experiences seeing manga art throughout my years of being a fan. I thought about some of the manga art exhibitions I visited. There was a part in Liang’s book where she talks about one artist by the name of Henry Darger and his drawings of young naked girls who lead hyper-violent men in a civil war that sounds like a dark fantasy. The first thing that came to my mind was Kentaro Miura’s Berserk.

I once remember browsing through the Eclipse part of the Golden Age arc. While I knew what happened, it’s really something to see in the pages of the manga itself. Everything just felt so raw and disgusting. Seeing that moment happen in all of its glory made me think about Toshio Maeda and his works. While I respect Maeda, I never felt comfortable with what he presented at times. It just frightened me.

But now looking back and after reading The Lonely City, I think that seeing serious art that’s explicit (like Berserk) is trying to prove a point. It shows how vulnerable and violent people can be. Most of us tend in our little bubbles with beliefs that everyone else around us is the same when that’s far from the truth. The world isn’t safe for certain groups of people. Explicit art is used as a way to express that sentiment. Plus, I also think this kind art is used to tell everyone that we both have good and bad sides. It does no good to totally repress one side over the other. In a strange way, being both good and bad is something that can help alleviate the idea that we’re alone.

But what about more modern-day manga? There’s a super huge manga mural in Tokyo right now that highlights all the major series from Shonen Jump and Shonen Magazine. Tokyo is a big city with residents that probably go through loneliness themselves despite their culture being more collectivist. What do they see when they see the likes of Deku, Levi, Emma, Meliodas, Boruto, etc. as they see those characters smile or look cool? 

I did notice that the background for that mural is in a school, which obviously is a big setting for many anime/manga series. Can seeing that connect someone with another person who misses those simple days of school with friendships you thought would never die? Do we think having the friendships that shonen characters have with one another can cure our loneliness?

In the end of The Lonely City, Laing writes:

“There are so many things that art can’t do. It can’t bring the dead back to life, it can’t mend arguments between friends, or cure AIDS, or halt the pace of climate change. All the same, it does have some extraordinary functions, some odd negotiating ability between people, including people who never meet and yet who infiltrate and enrich each other’s lives. It does have a capacity to create intimacy; it does have a way of healing wounds, and better yet of making it apparent that not all wounds need healing and not all scars are ugly.

If I sound adamant it is because I am speaking from personal experience. When I came to New York I was in pieces, and though it sounds perverse, the way I recovered a sense of wholeness was not by meeting someone or by falling in love, but rather by handling the things that other people had made, slowly absorbing by way of this contact the fact that loneliness, longing, does not mean one has failed, but simply that one is alive.”

I’ve been in fandom for such a long time and there are times where I felt like I haven’t made the kind of connections I really wanted. My love of anime/manga has helped me got to know people over the years, but I slowly felt over time that I needed to get away from fandom as those bonds often didn’t feel deep enough. Social media never helped with my loneliness (which shouldn’t be used as a panacea in the first place). What helped was that I got away from most of the anime social scene and living through manga art my way. I needed to be free from public opinion to think for myself.

Yet I know that I need to be around people because no one gets through life alone. Laing made a final remark about loneliness.

“I don’t believe the cure for loneliness is meeting someone, not necessarily. I think it’s about two things: learning how to befriend yourself and understanding that many of the things that seem to afflict us as individuals are in fact a result of larger forces of stigma and exclusion, which can and should be resisted.”

A lot of shonen series revolve those two things honestly. The characters learn to love themselves and realize that a lot of injustice is due to powerful forces that are determined to divide others. I also think mangaka are the same as they (and their assistants) are often by themselves drawing. They know that 1.) they’re comfortable with themselves to know they need help and 2.) there are so many obstacles that make life hard to get by. Mangaka want their readers to fight back and/or deal with those barriers in a way that can connect others in solidarity via shared experiences.

I also feel the same about artists who have booths in various Artists’ Alleys across many conventions throughout the world. I’m sure they found their own inner comfort not with other people, but with themselves via the works they create. They’re fighting against social ignorance too. There’s a lot of talk about how STEM can change the world, but the thing about STEM (note: I support more interest in science that doesn’t get twisted for political reasons) is that the subject makes people seem more robotic. 

While there is creativity in tech and tech is useful to enhance art, it’s more mainstream and commercial. You can only interpret things in one way since tech is supposed to streamline a process. Art is open-ended and we should strive to be open-ended on many things. Art is about being human and intimate. You need that human element as well to truly help make lives better.

Technology, for all its wonders, doesn’t provide a sense of intimacy that’s often lacking today. I look at photos of that whole shonen manga mural and I feel a vibe of comforting intimacy that tells me to come join inside the school. “It’s scary, but we’re all here with you. It’ll be okay.” That’s the message I got.

Finally, some fans can crap on shonen series all they want. But the genre is all about fighting loneliness, which is a major antagonist of the modern world. We’re in a long arc and I hope that there’s a build up to a climax where many of us realize that we won’t always feel the way we feel. We can connect with others in ways that make us stronger. 

And maybe that will be the “lone” solution we can all be comfortable with. Photo Source: SoraNews24

[stardustrobin]

so i have this big as list of stuff for the new year that i wanted to share with everyone. this is what you can expect to see from me in the near future and all through 2019~

2019 Goals

Draw more:

My art has really been lacking this year, I haven't done very much this year as compared to others and I really need to step my game up. I need to draw more, I need to improve myself, my art, and my style. I need to get more work out there and I need to start posting my art more too; especially since I now have multiple sites to throw my art onto.

I’m disappointed in myself with the lack of art that i’ve posted in 2018 and with the overall quality of them. I can do better, I know I can and I’ve failed to do so this past year. But 2019 I will do more for myself when it comes to art, I will do as much as I can and be careful to not burn myself out in doing so. There’s a lot that I feel that I need to work on, so here’s to a good art year for me!

2019 Art Goals:

Backgrounds!!!!

Work on form

Work on fluidity

Work on composition

Work on color

Work/improve on style

Work/improve on a comic book type art style

Try out other art styles and take inspiration from them

Experiment!!!

Try to get out of my comfort zones

Draw more characters, not just the ones I like to draw or am used to drawing

Explore other media i.e.; watercolor, pens, markers, oils, acrylics ect.

Do more art challenges

Work on art prompts

Post my art more

Completely fill up a sketchbook

Offer more simple art request

More birdflash!!!!!!!!!

Write more:

Needless to say that my writing has tanked over the years and it’s made me horrible upset. My writing is super important to me, even if it doesn’t seem like that to anyone else because I don’t talk about it often and don’t show it off. But my writing means to world to me because it helps me cope with things I’m not sure how to cope with. It helps me understand things and sometimes though research it helps me figure things out about myself and work on ways to better that problem. That and it’s just…. fun. I love to write, I love to come up with plots and stories and characters. I love putting characters through hardships and make them work for a happy ending. I love seeing the growth not only in my stories but in my characters and myself as a person and writer. I love all of it, but everything is at such a standstill right now I don’t know what to do and it’s upsetting.

I honestly can’t say what’s been the cause in the decline of my writing but it’s taken its toll. I know that my dyslexia and dysgraphia have both been acting up terribly and it’s been discouraging me more and more. But since there’s no medication I can take for something like that, the best way to help is to just keep writing and improve myself.

Not only do I need to work on my writing, but I also need to work on my mentality behind it. I’ve always been made to feel like I was stupid for making the simplest mistake, or stupid because I can’t understand something, that i’m just being lazy, that I really know how to do this but I just don’t want to. I’ve honestly only come to terms with my dyslexia and dysgraphia fairly recently(maybe 2015??) but I’ve known about it since I had been in kindergarten/first grade after being diagnosed with it through a professional. My family wouldn't have it though, they didn’t think anything was wrong, they just thought I needed to work harder and stop being lazy ect. ect. And that went on for years and years until I broke down one day because I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ll admit that I still have that bad habit of thinking that I’m just stupid and a bad writer/reader, but I’m trying to better myself on that, and this year I wanna try harder.

2019 Writing Goals:

Write more

Be more confident in my writing

Take writing prompts

Post my writing/fics

Learn better writing tips

Read up more books on writing

Read more from favorite authors to take inspiration from

Learn better storytelling

Learn better character growth

Sign up for sites that help with catching grammar mistakes

Sign up for sites that help you in improving your writing

Re-teach myself basic grammar and punctuation

Get on rp blogs more to write, be more active

Come up with my own plots

Chip in a hella lot more with moving plots along

Don’t tell yourself that you’re stupid

Don’t be scared to ask for help

Cosplay:

Cosplay is something I’ve been doing for a while now, and making them for myself is still fairly recent. I have so many ideas I want to do for cosplay but I don’t have the resources nor the money to buy or commission a cosplay from someone else. I have all the basic items I’d need to start all saved on sites and ready to buy, but just no time or money to buy them just yet. Plus, I’d really just like to make my own because it’s something I’d really love to do. Like, I really enjoy prop making so I’d love to make props and maybe even sell a few if I can!

Another thing I feel like I’m lacking in cosplay is my overall composer and confidence in cosplay when I’m at cons. I feel that really affects a lot in what I see about myself and even possible what people see me as. I’d like to get more confident about myself rather than question myself on if I look good enough and just scrap the whole thing and walk around the con in normal clothes-- because I have done that before.

2019 Cosplay Goals:

Practice sewing more

Get comfortable with using a sewing machine again

Get better at hand sewing

Buy my equipment bit by bit

Work on confidence in cosplay

Work on being in-character while in cosplay

Be more active in cosplay

Work on makeup

Work on wig/hair styling

Work on poses

Post more pictures of me in cosplay

Continue bettering myself physically:

So I’ve been doing a lot to help get myself into shape because it’s not really a secret that I’m not happy with myself in more ways than one. I’ve been doing good towards the end of 2018 with cutting out soda and drinking more water, I’ve cut out a lot of junk foods and just been more cautious about what I eat and drink. A lot of this is thanks to my fiance because he’s been bettering himself with the help of his manager and it’s kind of had an affect on me too and I can’t complain. It’s like this little push that I needed.

And not only am I doing better about working out and eating better, but I’ve been doing more to help take care of my skin, hair, and nails. I just wanna be the best I can be and I can’t do that if my body is in poor shape.

2019 Physical Goals:

Keep working out/make a better workout schedule

Try different workouts

Gym membership??

Be more active

Take better care of skin and hair

Drink more water!!!

Keep eating better

Learn how to properly do makeup so I can help myself feel pretty

Learn how to style my own hair

Continue bettering myself mentally:

So a lot has happened through the years and I’ve had my ups and downs, but overall I have noticed a better change within myself. I’m not sure if any one else has, but I have. And while I’m proud of many of them, there are some not so good one that I’ve noticed pop up and I need to do what I can to change that so I can have a more positive mindset for the near year. There’s a lot that I’ve been working on that I still need to continue, and there’s a few new things that I’ve acknowledged that I need to change and actually start doing.

2019 Mentality Goals:

Year of taking no shit from anyone

Speak out more, especially for myself

Stand up for myself more

Learn to say ‘no’ more and that it’s okay

Learn better communication skills, don’t keep things to self and stew in them

Learn to step up more

Good vibes!!!

Positive outlooks and attitude

Positive self image

Be kinder this year

Play more video games because they help you out!!!

Continue to learn how to handle stress better

Continue to learn how to handle anxiety better

Continue to learn how to handle depression better

Learn to let go of internal anger

Take things in steps, don’t overwhelm self

Better learn to ground self when in sensory overload instead of just shutting down

Stim toys?

Therapy??

Be the (Good)Bad Bitch you wanna be

Save more money:

I’m probably going to sound like an asshole for this, but I’m going to try and say ‘no’ to certain things more often when it comes to spending. This is something I need to work harder on, and that’s being firm with my own spending both on myself and others. I have this bad habit of saying ‘yes’ to a lot of things rather than saying ‘no’ and that needs to change. It’s never put me in a bad spot financially but it’s often left me nothing for myself or even for my personal savings. I think the thing is that I need to get past feeling guilty about saying ‘no’, especially since I’m with people who are understanding and won’t get upset if I say that I don’t want to spend my money that way. It’s just a matter of work on myself and figuring things out and telling myself that it’s okay and there’s no reason to feel guilty about it.

I’m also going to work on budgeting myself better and putting money away as often as I can. I also think instead of putting money in a savings account through my bank, I’ll just pull out X amount of money and store it someplace safe. It’s really easy to just transfer money through my bank app from savings to checking, and I don’t wanna have that temptation any longer, especially since I’ve given into it before. I can’t really do that if my savings are at home locked away. I also wanna do that thing where you “forget” about your savings until you need it, because that’ll help a lot.

But even with all this in place, I will still use my own money in ways that make me happy, I’m not cutting off spending or going out entirely because I still very much would like to treat myself and even my fiance, but I just want to be more careful in my spending and be able to cut myself off at certain points. I’m going to be a lot more observant with my spending  

Overall I just really wanna limit myself and not throw money around when I know I can do a better job at saving. I want to have extra money on the side for; emergencies, bills, something that might cost a little extra, vacations/trips, a house, a therapist, student loans, ect.

2019 Savings:

Say no more

Limit personal spending

Try not to buy things that are unnecessary/“do I really need this?”

Create a better budget

Put physical money away in a safe place rather than in a digital savings account

Put away anywhere between $25-$100 each paycheck

Put away any bonus check money in savings immediately

Cut myself off spending at $50-$100 left in my checking unless needed

This is a lot, I know it is but hey, I have all year to work on these and even if I don’t finish everything I have next year too. This year for me is about improvement and doing the best I can to be a better person for myself and others. I’m going to push myself throughout the year and and be proud of what I’ve accomplished for myself and be happy for it. I want to be better for myself, and I wanna do right by me and get into a state I know I deserve to be in. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I know I can do it.

Happy New Year! I hope this year will be kind to you.

[livelivefastfree]

100% need a masterpost of your fics cause you've been drawing them and I love everything. But recs would be appreciated too!!

ALRIGHTY THEN.  One……VERY large post of my fics and my Motorcity recs, coming up.  ^v^  50+ fics for y’all’s consumption.

Let’s start with my fics, because I know them better, haha.

–

Save A Horse, Ride A Dragon

One of my fav fics I’ve done to date in any fandom.  Mike is a mercenary dragon trapped in the shape of a human, wandering the Michigan wastes in post-apocalyptic magical America, when he and his Burners get an offer from the mysterious Lord Vanquisher.  T+ at this point for suggestive moments and makeouts. Polyburners/Muckles.  Warnings for the Duke being The Worst, and for Mike being the DUMBEST oblivious thirst-lizard.

The Officer Present//Director Absent series (AKA Live Free and Welcome To The Kane Co Family)

A love letter to the Season 2 that never was, co-written by me and my twin sister toastyhat/HeatedHeadwear!  :D  Live Free chronicles the appearance of a new, menacing super-soldier in Motorcity, the shadowy machinations that led to his appearance and an overarching plan from Kane that could destroy Motorcity–once and for all!!!!!!  Welcome to the Kane Co Family starts shortly after the fallout from the first, with both cities struggling to come to terms with their new reality–but the world is changing and there are new threats on all sides, and if they thought their status quo changed in the first fic, BOY THEY’VE GOT A BIG STORM COMING!! >8Dc  Also Julie punches multiple people and generally kicks ass, it’s fabulousBoth fics are gen, they’re both rated T+ for violence, Evil Science, angst, etc.  Warnings for copious Deluxe worldbuilding, egregious amounts of backstory, a couple OCs I’ve been reliably informed are extremely fun, and chapter titles in the style of anime episode titles, because why not.  :D

Supersynesthesiac

Originally created solely to fill a prompt from a sexy prompt generator, this fic and the world it’s set in both spiralled wildly out of control, and a much more plot-heavy sequel is in the works.  Supersynesthesiac follows Mike Chilton, a vigilante superhero in Detroit Of The Future, as he finally meets his elusive, telepathic partner Blonde Thunder under the most dramatic circumstances possible.  Rated M for psychic makeouts, mind-melding and also there’s sex happening, probably.  It’s not nearly as lovingly described as the mind-meld porn going on in the foreground.  Polyburners is happening in the background, but this fic is basically entirely Muckles.  Warnings for Red being awful.

Rest In Pieces (Come Apart)

Mike is getting entirely out of control, and needs to burn off energy before he can get himself (and everybody else) in trouble again.  Fortunately his gang has a Plan.Rated M for sweet, loving and totally relentless polyburners gangbang.  Warnings for everybody being absolute dorks.  Also bondage and edging, if that’s not your thing. UoU

Werewolves Of Detroit

A series of vignettes exploring the world of Mike Chilton, rogue ex-commander werewolf, his vampire best friend, his highly unconventional pack, and the world they live in. EVERY section is illustrated and I’m very proud.Rated T+, mostly gen with mentions of Dutch/Tennie.  Warnings for Kane being a huge bigot, mentions of KaneCo-mandated surgery, and Texas being an asshole about vampires.   

Exposure Therapy 

Mike has a cool idea for a cool present for his cool boyfriend to totally cure Chuck’s fear of going fast in Mutt.  Rated M for dumb, fluffy smut and implied sex toys.  Warnings for unsafe driving practices.

Kiss And Tell

Somebody came into my askbox and suggested polyburners–but the rest of the city doesn’t know that’s their relationship, just that SOME configuration of Burners is together, and it seems to change CONSTANTLY.   Rated T+ for vaguely-implied possible sex at some point off-screen.  Warnings for nothing, this fic is a perfect warm fluffy representation of my poly-burner feelings and I love it.

Wreck

A little snapshot from an AU I’m not really planning to flesh out–I mostly wanted to capture a certain kind of bittersweet emotional conflict.  Chuck’s doing his best to keep his head down and live through college when a face he hasn’t seen since The Accident shows up at his door.  Vaguely Muckles-ish.  Rated T+ for reference to a nasty car accident and the aftermath, warnings for Kane being, just, Not A Good Dad.  

Override 0

Not exactly an AU, more of a speculative fic about the Burners finding out that Chuck’s enhancements go a lot further than just the weapons systems in his arms.  A realization prompted, of course, by the Duke of Detroit’s thirst for drama.  T+, no pairings.  Warnings for, in the words of AO3′s tag system, “#Loss Of Limbs”, mind control via brain-hacking, and mentions of unethical scientific/surgical procedures.

So Real In The Dark

I challenged myself to write people pining for each other while simultaneously being in a relationship, and a sci-fi AU with an artificial amnesia hookup service turned out to be the solution.  Half a fic about boys being incredibly dumb, and half a fic about trauma, bigotry, coping mechanisms and communication, and how you can love somebody and know them incredibly well and still not really understand them.  Explicit, Muckles, background Dutch/Tennie and Claire/Julie.  Warnings for brief stranger danger, aphrodisiacs, more poor treatment of cyborgs, and emotional gut-punch.

 –Stuff I Post About That Isn’t Posted/Finished Yet–

Burnerswap

A universe where the Burners are grown-up villains, and the former villains of the canon series are our new teenage heroes.  They’re dysfunctional and weird, but they’re doing their best to protect the clean, orderly, shining city of Deluxe from the gangs and bots and nasty, climbing bots that Ms. Kane sends up from the city below.  UoU  Likely to be rated T+ if I ever post it. Not much in the way of pairings except Ms. Kane’s right and left-hand man are VERY married and VERY tragic because you know I gotta fit Muckles in there.  

–Collab Fic / Gift Fic–

Chilton 2.0 by me and LaughingStones

The Kane Co. super-soldier program needs a volunteer, and who better to be superhumanly enhanced than the rising star of the Security program, Commander Chilton?  He’d never betray Kane Co, or need to have his brain overridden!  There’s no way this project can possibly go wrong!  Rated M for some pretty fucked-up treatment of cyborgs, and also for sexy future reasons. Warnings for Mike getting really messed up physically, emotionally and psychologically by bad programming and free-will overrides, and also for dumb boys stumbling awkwardly through impromptu sex-ed together.  Muckles.

i’m not the same kid from your memory by roachpatrol and also I helped

Kane Co. captures Chuck and manages to do some nasty shit to his brain before the Burners come and re-capture him.  Chuck does NOT appreciate being held captive by Burner Scum.  Emotions!!! Angst!!!!!  …it’s rated T+ on AO3 but there’s sex so just, be aware of that.  UoU  Muckles!

Experiments In Cross-Species Makeouts by LaughingStones

This one is very hard to explain, because Jem and I like to bounce of each other’s AUs and fics and write derivative fics of fics–there’s an OC in the Live Free/Welcome To The Kane Co Family universe who has what is essentially a nasty brainy kismessisitude/hate-love relationship (not fully explored in the fic, but very fleshed out in my mind, haha) with Chuck.  And this is….those two, but with the races/species from Werewolves of Detroit.  So…supernatural AU Chuck/OC hate-sex.  M, obviously.  Warnings for vampires getting drunk on siren blood and Live Free/WttKCF spoilers.

Recalibration Nation by HeatedHeadwear

!!!! A fic for my picture of Chuck as the Duke’s cyborg bodyguard, because toasty is great.  A+ hurt/comfort and recovery and bittersweet life-goes-on vibe, aslkfjsadf I love it.  T+, no pairings, warnings for anxiety/panic attacks, ear trauma, violence, emotions.

Proper Disposal Of Project Materials by LaughingStones

A scene in Chilton 2.0 I didn’t get to write; Chuck is a Failed Project, and Kane Co. has no used for Failed Projects.  Fortunately, the techs he grew up working with have his back.  T+ for (yet again) unethical treatment of cyborgs.  

Making Friends The Superhero Way by LaughingStones

Set before Supersynesthesiac; Mike’s good at his superhero job, but sometimes everybody needs help.  In this case, help just happens to have cat ears.  Gen, rated G.  Warnings for trouble breathing and also Mike being a doofus.

The Space Shenanigans series by LaughingStones and roachpatrol 

Loosely related to/based on the Forget Me Not, but set much later.  I’m not sure FMN is going to be poly or not, but these fics are inspired-by, so they go in this section. :D  The various sexy shenanigans of space-captain Mike, cyborg Chuck and Julie the terrifying space princess.  M for sexy shenanigans.  Warnings for (acted/fake) dubcon for the benefit of an asshole, and…..just various sexual shenanigans, I would check the warnings on the fics, haha.  :D

–Aaaaaand some non-me recs!–

(((I’m going to have to speed through these a little bit more, but I love them also, this post is just getting VERY long)))

All Steamed Up by Gumbridge 

Gen, G: coffeeshop AU, technically. Chuck would REALLY like a new espresso machine, he has done the MATH, it’s GOOD BUSINESS, MIKE!!!!!

Artificial Nocturne by Icka M. Chif (mischif)

Gen, T+: Mike accidentally trespasses on the territory of a mysterious guy who calls himself “Hound”.  Mike immediately sets about pushing past the emotional barrier of standoffishness and the physical barrier of giant, repurposed KaneCo HOUNDbots, and ends up with two awesome new friends out of the deal.  (The “Chuck is a constantly-terrified badass with an army of bots” AU)

Atlas and Copernicus by charcoalmink

Gen, G: A piece about how Kane can think of Mike and Julie both as his children, but feel so completely different about them.  Hurts so good, ahhh ToT

Behind The Throne by intravenusann

Duke/No. 2, Explicit: Number 2 would never really leave.  But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded why she stays.  

Bittersweet by EnsignCelery

Gen, G: Sometimes they get stressed.  Sometimes you just gotta lie down and cuddle.

Chicken Soup For The Burner Soul by renquise

Gen, G: Mike’s immunity boosters start to wear off and he goes down like a tree.  Good old-fashioned soft sickfic hurt/comfort.

Constantinople And Timbuktu / By(zantine) Any Other Name by (orphan_account)

Mike/Chuck, G: oh my god, this fic is strange to explain but so fun?? Historical AU–Chuck’s an orphan who ended up a body-double for russian royalty in like 1500, until he ends up kind of ambiguously kidnapped by a Tatar horseman who doesn’t speak his language but has a really nice smile and a fun come-and-go family of other riders from other countries.  In the words of the author, “ [the Russian nomad!au] “

Degreaser by Gumbridge

Claire/Julie, T+: Claire can tolerate getting dirty down in Motorcity, but it has to be under the right circumstances. Julie provides those circumstances.

I Thought You Were Dead by Caligraphunky

Gen, G: Jacob thought all the androids he created for KaneCo were scrapped.  But here’s unit CHUCK, back again.

In The Lost Age Where The Jewels Hide by roachpatrol and LaughingStones

Chuck (Lord Vanquisher)/Mike (Smiling Dragon), Explicit:  The LARPing group plays WAY crazier games than Mike is used to, but he could really get used to in-character Never Have I Ever if it always ends with stuff like this.  WOW.  Sex is GREAT.

Loaded Up And Truckin’ by RaccoonDoom 

Gen, T+: Smokey And The Bandit AU–AKA Jacob has a truck and uses it to run illegal goods; Mike and Chuck run interference and keep the cops off his tail.  Trucker AU, heyyyy. :D

Love Free by Prim_the_Amazing 

Multi/Polyburners, G: KaneCo has the algorithms, the expertise, they determine the most perfect possible partner.  So what do you do when the person KaneCo chooses isn’t the person you wanted?

Never Quite Thought We Could Lose It All by LaughingStones

Mike/Chuck, Explicit: It’s not weird for a KaneCo tech to have a huge blank spot in their memory, but it is unusual for one of their childhood friends to show up at their cubicle dressed as a physical relief technician, looking stressed and desperate and acting like Chuck should know him.  Warning for implied/referenced noncon.

The Obligatory Fantasy AU series by LaughingStones 

Mike/Chuck, G/T: Chuck’s a Mage On A Mission, and he’s not going to be derailed by the fact that his bodyguard is definitely a dragon who definitely considers Chuck his beautiful, golden-haired treasure.

our guts can’t be reworked by roachpatrol

Mike/Julie, Chuck/Mike, T+: Mike finds out he’s bisexual in the most confusing possible way: BODY-SWITCHING.  

Pyrrhic Victory by Clementine

Mike/Chuck, G: I live for Mike and Chuck LARPing dramatic emotional scenes and being dumb, dorky boys and that’s what this is, and I LOVE it. 

Quiet by deanon

Mike/Chuck, Explicit:  Mike makes the mistake of wondering about Chuck and sex and being noisy, and get catapulted abruptly into terrible, flustered pining.

Quit or Retry by Caligraphunky

Gen, T+: a really short but really nicely done piece that slowly illuminates more and more of a single scene until you get the full picture.  fear. android Chuck.

Riding Shotgun by Oisiflaneur

Polyburners, T+: I’ve never smoked pot but I’m all for the Burners hanging around being chill and kissing and occasionally also Mike does shotguns and people make out.

rise if you’re sleeping (stay awake) by RaccoonDoom 

Gen, T+: Another cyborg fic, this time about Mike and Chuck and insomnia and nightmares.  Sweet hurt-comfort. UwU

Rule Number Eight by drown (teii) 

Chuck/Texas, Chuck->Mike, T+:  the fic that got me into Chuxas–starting with the aftermath of one-sided Chuck/Mike and chronicling Chuck’s descent into weird, Texas-related madness. 

Scars by corelton

Claire/Julie, G:  Julie’s line of work puts her in enough danger for her to actually have scars, like, old-fashioned scars from actual injuries.  Claire is fascinated by them.

searchlights in the parking lots of hell by roachpatrol

Gen, T+: I don’t know if it sounds like a compliment to say this is one of the most subtly, gorgeously horrifying fics I’ve ever read, but that’s basically how I feel.  Mike is a kid in a cyborg program, and he keeps ending up in sparring matches with the same kid, over and over again; it’s a different kind of unsettling every time.  There’s something about seeing a scenario that’s obviously intensely messed up, through the point of view of a character who thinks it’s normal and good.  It gives it a special, extra punch.  

Sex Level: Texas! by LaughingStones

Texas->Mike, Texas->Burners, Explicit: Texas has some totally cool and sexy thoughts–mostly about Mike.  WHAT?  It’s not like it's weird.   

Spend Life Fighting For Your Sanity by roachpatrol 

Dutch/Tennie, T+: Deluxe has no patience for rebel scum, free-thinkers or artists.  Unfortunately for Dutch’s continued health and well-being, he’s all of those things.  Even if he can’t really remember what he did.  AKA: Deluxe re-captures Dutch and comprehensively fucks him up, but SUCK IT you can’t take away the colors in his SOUL.  

Sprouts by renquise

Gen, G:  a fic about Dutch finding ROTH, and Dutch and Chuck becoming ROTH’s weird programmer dads.  ROTH is adorable and the characterization is great, A++ 

Test Drive by renquise 

Mike/Julie, Explicit: Julie and Mike have a fun adventure in pegging together. 

thursday’s child has far to go (and they go so very, very quickly) by thinkingCAPSLOCK

Gen, G:  Kane loses one child, but at least he still has the other.

Walls Twice As Strong by deanon

Mike/Chuck, T+:  in the words of the original summary: “When Mike and Chuck fight, everybody knows.“ 

We Are Golden by renquise

Polyburners, T+:  Mike kisses everybody, and it’s soft and good and makes my heart feel all happy. 

We Can’t Punch Good: A Love Story by heartsinhay

Dutch/Texas, T+: Texas is pretty sure Dutch has just gotten immune to Texas’s sweet Texas Moves, but that’s okay.  Texas has got more than one trick up his sleeve, and he knows what Dutch likes.  Probably

yellow highway lines (that you’re relying on to lead you home) by renquis

Gen, G:  A delicious exploration of the world that might exist outside the dome, and also THE BURNER ROADTRIP FIC YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.  The kids take a package from Rayon and go on the road, headed for San Fran come hell or nuclear superstorm.This is one of the first Motorcity fics I read, and It’s a big part of why I started making things for this fandom in the first place. :D  Very recommend, A++

[abluepatientsoul]

What Jack has done for me

(Have been seeing this for a while and decided to do it too! Thanks to  @jacksoopticboop for this wonderful idea!).

Putting it under the cut so people don’t have to scroll this long post

I started watching Jack’s videos in the middle of the chaos that was November of 2016, with the first Antipocalypse.I saw the trending on tumblr and my sis (that has helping me a lot too) told me all about Jack and the channel, and I just started watching his videos.

Around that time I was feeling a little better. It was my first college year, and I was finally free of the hell that was high school. Before high school I was a very outgoing child, and I don’t remember to care about other people opinions. But high school is another world. I studied high school in a different place, so suddenly I found myself without a friend and surrounded by people that made fun of me and whispered things behind my back. I was scare of speaking with other people or in class. I never knew if someone had good or bad intentions. In those 6 years I stayed quiet, I shutted down for the world basically. And before I realized, I was lost. I just couldn’t find a light. I continued for my family and friends, but not for me. wanted to say a lots of things, but I just told myself “shut up”.

But everything changed in my final year of high school. One day, I just exploted. I couldn’t take it anymore. And I let almost everything out that day. After that, I started feeling better with myself,little by little, with who I was. And my family and friends have been there to support me. Starting college was good for me too, like fresh air. But of course, those six years had consequences. My social anxiety is probably the most annoying. And some days depressions get the worst of me. 

Anyways, because of that, it’s very difficult to me to meeet other people. I just start overthinking everything, even before talking. I can only feel 100% confortable with my family (well, if we speak about family including side of father and mother, no) and my friends. So usually when I entere a community I just like post, nothing more.

But oh boy the moment my dear sis introduced me to Jack’s channel and this community. I just feel like it was a place for me to relax, to forget the problems of the day for a few minutes. Suddenly I found myself watching Jack’s videos when I was feeling down. Or has a background voice when I’m doing something. The videos just spreads good vibes. And I just love the Postive Mental Attitude. Is very important for me. I have it on my lockscreen, so when I have a bad day or I’m feeling down, I look at my lockscreen and try remember my PMA.

I’m also impressed of how lovely this community is. Seriously, is like having another family. At first I didn’t have the courage to talk with people. But during the Christmas Charity Stream I posted a draw, and some people reblogued it and put lovely comments in the tags and I just thought “hey, is not as bad as I thought”. And since then I have been more active around here, doing post and spreading some PMA (with the hep of my cat!).

I think this post is long enough. @therealjacksepticeye , if you read this, thank you. For being there. For being you. You are an inspiration to me. I’m studying to be a teacher, and I want to teach future kids this message. This positivy. Again, thank you.

Also thanks to the jse community too. Everyone around here is so awesome and lovely and I’m just so happy that I found the courage to start talking with people and to make post.

[four-pages-zine-blog]

Issue 1: Tass

How long have you had your store: I started officially selling clothes after I finished college in 2013 and moved back home to the suburban midwest, so I guess 5 years now! I was working at the local newspaper at the time but was looking for an extra way to kill time, not necessarily even to make money. I started with Poshmark and loved connecting with other people who liked similar clothes, which was actually kind of rare for where I lived. I loved being able to see people showcase their own style in the form of their own closets and let people “shop their closet”. I also became really interested in clothes trading, which I like doing with my irl friends, so the fact a lot of people were willing to trade items was also really cool to me and something I hadn’t seen before.

How would you describe your shop? I think the clothes I sell are kind of more one-off like something that would be worn as a funny statement piece - I love a bright color and bold pattern, power clashing, and anything rainbow, glittery or that can incorporate faux fur in a tasteful way. It’s pretty reflective of my midwestern lifestyle and probably the clothes I consistently have the most of are windbreakers and winter coats, the main way we can express ourselves here for half of the year or more… There are a few sticker art projects I have in my store that I started doing around 2012 out of boredom when I was still in school, the most prominent one probably being the 6 foot tall Britney Spears poster that’s completely covered in (vintage) Lisa Frank stickers but never intended to actually finish or take seriously. Over the years I used sticker collaging as a way to keep my mind off things and have it be a means to add color and vibrancy to otherwise more plain posters/art.

When I first opened my shop in 2013, I made a holographic wall out of posterboards to hang my clothes on and that was my first store display on Poshmark and Etsy and always tried to have unique ways to show my clothes ever since, and to change the look of my store at least once a year. I’ve wavered between thinking having consistent “branding” is best and thinking it’s best to change as my ideas change, and have ended up going with the latter at whatever expense that has had, resulting in my store bio now being “Hi I’m Crazy Branding” lmao. The last time I re-did my store I got a mannequin from the city off Craigslist that I painted hot pink and move around my yard or put against different backdrops/bright colored walls to model the clothes. At one point I put velcro on the back of all my stuffed animals plushies and trolls and stuck them to a white wall in my apartment I was living to use as the background. I used to love to bring around solo holographic poster boards to my friends’ houses before we went out so that we could all take pictures behind them as the backdrop, portable aesthetic is essential.

What era or year is your favorite in fashion? My favorite looks are early 90s minimalistic grunge but not too minimal - Black jeans, velvet dresses, and plain tees, all of that, but then on the flip side I love the super excessive part of those eras of fashion too, like rainbow everything and floating glitter inside plastic holographic accessories. My favorite outfit of all time is something my aunt gave me from her 80s closet, it’s a long elastic teal leopard mermaid-style skirt with a matching teal leopard flowy button down shirt, all cotton and polyester. I love outfits that are completely matching like that and have been seeing that lately in brands that I follow, so I hope that sticks.

What item of clothing in the world are you lusting after or saving up for?

One of those new robot dresses that react to your moods or whatever lmao but if I’m being more realistic there is a designer who I really love that I found on Instagram who knits beaded sweaters using like thousands of different colored beads and completely covers them. They’re works of art and I would love to have one some day and be able to support an artist too! I’m definitely always lusting after new pairs of plain black pleather platform (but not too high anymore) shoes. I love the brand Hot Lava and I guess if I'm saving up for one thing it would be their "Barbed" rainbow matching bralette/pants combo.

Favorite clothing brand/brands and why? Since I usually only buy thrift for myself these days, my favorite brands are probably just based on design only but I love Discount Universe and other sequins-covered clothes or otherwise outlandish/tacky patterns, especially if they’re owned/designed/produced by women - Wacky Wacko, I have the Tabloid Dress they made a few years ago and it’s one of my favorite of all time even though I never wear it I also LOVE everything from Big Bud Press and YardSale666 in general.

What music do you like, does it play a role in your personal style? The music I listen to most now is probably "experimental pop" and growing up I loved pop punk. Both of those have affected my style and stayed with me to this day, I still wear skinny jeans and slip on Van-style shoes most often no matter what else I’ve layered on top of it. I used to like to purposely wear edgy clothes and do my hair to provoke a reaction out of people when I was younger - my brother would pass down band shirts to me that said things like “What the F*** are you looking at?” (lol) and I would cut them off into a crop top and wear it with a super long high-waisted thrifted pink and purple plaid skirt. That was definitely my go-to outfit for like an entire summer straight. I’ve always liked clothes that makes a statement even if it’s in a literal way with words, clothes with a lot of text on them, and I really like the new wave of DIY embroidery, especially on thrifted or up cycled clothes. Band tee shirts were also just like a huge part of growing up for me, buying them at shows and collecting them and wearing them all the time. Also in my shop I have a guitar that I completely stickered/bejeweled which was one of my longest running projects that I really want to make more of. It was one of my brother's old acoustic guitars that he let me completely deck out and it perfectly combines the femme pop elements I love with an actual instrument. Music and fashion are so intertwined all the time I think, and clothes/accessories are something that always stuck out to me about singers and bands too! I love how fashion plays a role in music today too and can make or break an entire aesthetic or era.

Does living in your city/state inspire you? Where are you most creative? Yes lmao living in rural suburban Illinois actually inspires me a lot and I’m probably the most happily creative here. When I lived in the city, things were a lot more stressful so it made me work on a lot of projects to distract myself, but I eventually burned out from that pretty bad. I get inspired by midwestern people but mostly in a way that most people find cringey, I mocked it more when I was younger but now try to tastefully incorporate it into my looks. State Fair Chic is inspiring to me. My mom has a lot of handpainted and iron-on sweatshirts for different holidays that are staples of my closet. Living in the midwest and being bored definitely made me thrift more and imo makes the thrifting better, it made me always be working on craft projects, and always changing my hair and style.

What things do you love to create? I think my favorite things to create are entire rooms and looks, I like to make different aesthetics through combining colors, furniture and fabrics that all feel familiar even if it’s a little chaotic. My long term project with my bedroom was turning my walls of thrifted art (with 20-30 framed pictures) into matching colored frames that fit the whole look of the room, so I guess just really getting at the details of design. I think I’m pretty tacky so I like to stick to things that embody that and will always love stickering huge projects, painting everything plain into bright colors and incorporating anything I find thrifting or in the garbage into larger art aesthetics. My favorite thing to do is thrift and upcycle clothes, furniture, wall art, lamps, etc. anything that I see “potential” in lol.

Who are some of your favorite artists?: There are a ton of artists I follow that inspire me every day, definitely just “regular” people or like more lowkey artists. People who thrift or collect and refurbish toys are amazing to me and I love the doll community on IG. Witches or people I’ve met through astrology who are creating more spiritual art inspire me every day with their words and presentations. I also love comedians and movies, I love John Early and Kate Berlant and recently saw they collaborated with Peggy Noland and Seth Bogart of Wacky Wacko so that was iconic to me.

I collaborate a lot with my brother who has done a lot of graphic design stuff for me over the years. He makes resin toys of his own and designs t-shirts. He’s great at painting and drawing, two skills I never was good at that I really appreciate in him that he is always willing to lend a hand to me. He is two years older than me and went to school for advertising so exchanging ideas and doing projects with him is something I like to do too. He also has more of a background in music production so we recently started trying to make music together. We both love combining fashion and music!

What album do you recommend to pick up ASAP? Hayley Kiyoko - Expectations, hands down the vibe for summer

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[chasholidays]

you're so awesome for doing this! one of the highlights of my holiday season. i would love a bellarke izombie au! thanks so much

“You know, I knew you were a stubborn asshole, but this is a lot even for you.”

Bellamy doesn’t look at her, too busy attempting to navigate through traffic to turn his attention away from the road. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t let me eat the brain.”

It’s still a little disconcerting to be able to just say it, to have her secret out in the open, or at least open to Bellamy. After years of hiding and lying, justifying erratic behavior and inexplicable hunches, she can just say what she’s doing and why, and he’ll believe her. And, even more miraculously, he’s accepted it, doesn’t seem to have let it change his opinion of her.

Except this one thing.

“It’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” she asks, incredulous.

“It’s cheating,” he grumbles.

“Cheating.”

“Look, it’s not like I don’t–appreciate it,” he says, delicate. “You’re a great resource. You do amazing work. But it’s not police work.”

“Who cares? You didn’t care when you thought I was a psychic–”

“I never thought you were a psychic,” he says. “Come on, Clarke. I knew that was bullshit. I knew there was another explanation, I figured it was like Psych or something. You were just really observant or something.”

“And you let that go, but now that you know I’m–”

“It’s like using magic.”

“Which you’d do, if you had it. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.”

He sighs, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Look, this is hard for me, okay? Not–the zombie stuff, I’m dealing with. I get that. But I already felt like relying on you made me a shitty cop, and now it’s like finding out my lab partner did so well on homework because she had a copy of the answer key.”

“And that’s bad,” she says, mostly to fuck with him.

He takes his eyes off the road for a second to glare at her. “I don’t like cheating.”

“Okay, but–there’s no teacher. We’re catching murders, not doing assignments. Cheating doesn’t really apply. That’s not how it works. If it helps you do your job better–”

“Does it?” he asks, and from his tone, this is the real issue. The heart of the matter. “I’m not doing my job better. You are.”

“You’re doing it. I get–flashes. I don’t know everything. And even if I did, I don’t know how to make a conviction stick. I ate someone’s brain and gained their memories isn’t admissible evidence in court.”

“I just want to solve a case without–”

“Without me.”

He pulls into a parking spot and turns off the car, gives her a significant look. “If I wanted to do it without you, you wouldn’t be here. I think we’re a good team, but–it’s hard to be sure when you’ve been lying to me on every case.” She winces, and he sighs. “I get why, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“And I guess I get why it bothers you. But–you’re a great detective, Bellamy. Part of being a great detective is using all your resources.”

“Like my zombie partner who can see victims’ memories by eating their brains, yeah. I want to do this one right.”

“You’re such a Hufflepuff,” she teases.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just being thematic.”

“Don’t remind me.” He lets out a breath. “You ready?”

“Ready.”

Aside from her total lack of background memories from the victim, Clarke is excited for the job. If anyone had asked three years ago, she would have said she’d never be excited about investigating a murder, but people really can get used to anything. She has a good job that keeps her busy and satisfied, as well as providing her with a difficult-to-obtain and vital source of sustenance, all her friends are now aware of and accept her status as the undead, and she’s doing pretty well.

Besides, she’s bringing murderers to justice with one of her best friends, and this weekend they’re doing it at a Harry Potter convention. Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

Bellamy gets their bags out of the trunk with a sigh, which basically answers that question.

“I know you like Harry Potter, don’t pretend you don’t.”

“I like playing Hearthstone after work, that doesn’t mean I want to go to a tournament. Hardcore fans are scary. And it’s not just a Harry Potterconvention,” he adds. “That’s the fandom we’re representing, but there’s a lot more.”

“I know.” She grins. “And I’ll protect you. That’s the point of our cover, right? I’m the fan, you’re my long-suffering boyfriend.”

“That’s the plan, yeah.” He shoulders his bag and then hers before she can object. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

*

Even without her skipping out on the brains, Clarke thinks this case would have felt like a test. It’s their first major case since Bellamy found out about her, and one where it’s just the two of them, away from home. They’re sharing a hotel room too, and that means Bellamy is going to have firsthand interaction with, well, her. For all they spend time together, he’s been spared the day-to-day realities of being a zombie. They’re work friends, and this isn’t them becoming friend friends, but it is a new level of intimacy.

And Clarke’s not opposed to an increase in intimacy. It’s just that she knows she’s not exactly easy to live with these days.

“You have to eat brains?” She can’t read his tone, but if he’s disgusted, he shows no sign of it. He might even be curious.

“Zombie. It won’t interfere with the case, but I don’t want to go too long without eating and risk losing control.”

He nods. “Yeah, I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to eat me.” He watches her for a second, and then adds, “So, what personality are you going to get this time?”

“Oh, no. I shouldn’t get one from this.”

“You shouldn’t?”

“Monty and I did some experiments, when I first–when it happened. Just figuring out how the memories showed up, how long the personality changes lasted, stuff like that. This brain has been completely frozen and then thawed, so it won’t have any effect on me. It’s purely nutritional.”

“Huh.” He drums his fingers on the table. “How did you decide to tell Monty?”

She smiles a little. “I didn’t. He figured it out, and he’s Monty, so he’s basically prepared for an eventual zombie apocalypse. At first I’m pretty sure he was expecting me to turn on him any day, but he was hoping if I did it would give him good data on how to fight the outbreak.”

“And he’s working on a cure, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want that?”

She stares. “Are you kidding? Of course I do.”

“Just checking. I didn’t want to–” He runs his hand through his hair. “It sounds shitty to me, but I figured maybe there were pros that outweighed the cons or something. I didn’t want to say I hoped he found one and then find out that you like being a zombie.”

“You don’t have to worry so much about saying something wrong,” she says, gentle. “I get that it’s fucked up. If you need to freak out.”

“It’s freaky, yeah. But I figure you’ve been a zombie the whole time I’ve known you, so–” He shrugs. “You’re the same person I’ve worked with for years. Except when you’re not.”

“Except when I’m not?”

He gestures to the tupperware she’s eating from, half a smile on his lips. “The wild mood swings.”

“I figured if you really thought I was a psychic, you’d write it off as eccentricity. It’s not my fault you don’t believe in psychics.”

“Good way to get the attention off the zombie thing.” He clucks his tongue. “Okay, I’m going to go grab some food for myself. I assume you’re set.”

“Yeah. But if you want company, I’ll come with you.”

His smile is warm, the kind she doesn’t get from him very often. Maybe, now that everything is out in the open, she’ll get more. “Yeah, company sounds nice.”

*

“Okay,” she says the next morning. They have an hour before the con opens, which means plenty of time to come up with a plan. “So, we know the victim was very involved in–what fandom again?”

“She’s a cosplayer,” he says. “So she’s a part of that community more than a single fandom. A lot of her friends and associates are here, and she was involved in founding and planning the con. I’ve already talked to her family and friends, but we’ve been having trouble finding her online contacts. Or connecting their online and offline identities, I guess. So we’re going to be asking about Tenshi, not about Angela.”

“Did you ask Monty about this one? If anyone knows how the internet works–”

“If this doesn’t work we will. But she’s pretty well known, and she was posting on social media about being here. So if you ask about it, it’s not going to be suspicious.”

“So basically she’s my favorite cosplayer and I want to find out about her.”

“Yeah. And I’ve got a list of other cosplayers we’re looking at. Honestly, I’m just expecting a lot of buzz about her not being here, so we should pay attention and see what we can find out. And I’m hoping that’s going to let us figure out which of the other attendees are her friends and which ones we should be talking to formally.”

“You know what else would let us figure that out?”

“Good, old-fashioned detective work,” he says, firm, and she smiles.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

On the one hand, it is hard to ignore how much easier this would be if Bellamy wasn’t being stubborn about the whole brain-eating thing. On the other, Clarke will admit that real detective work really isn’t so bad. Not that they don’t do real detective work the rest of the time, but it is a different vibe than their usual. It hadn’t occurred to her that Bellamy would feel like he wasn’t really working, when he took advantage of her information, but it’s not a surprise either, not now that she’s thinking about it. He is that kind of stubborn.

Pretending to be his girlfriend isn’t so bad either. She’s not convinced it’s necessary, or that it would draw attention if she and Bellamy were just two people enjoying the con together. But she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying it, holding his hand and leaning in close to talk. It’s stupid too, of course, kind of unspeakably so, because she can’t date anyone right now, not with the whole zombie issue, and she’s been trying hard to ignore how much she likes him.

But she really, really does. And now he knows everything, and he still seems to like her as much as he ever did. She’d always thought his finding out would lose her a job and a valued relationship, and knowing she still has both, that he’s still happy to be around her and values her, is a little overwhelming.

It’s probably good she doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s brain on top of all that. It’s a busy enough weekend as it is.

Still, the case isn’t too bad, as they go. Bellamy has done enough legwork that he figures out the major players quickly, and between the two of them they put together a list of suspects and come up with a pretty decent timeline of what would have happened. They even get to enjoy the con some, after they arrest their suspect.

“I feel like I missed out on eating this one,” she muses, in the hotel room, and his eyebrows shoot up.

“What?”

“I could have made us costumes! It would have been cute. You’d make a great James Potter.”

“Thanks, I think.” He pauses, watching her. “It’s mostly just–presentation, right?”

“Presentation?”

“When you eat someone. It doesn’t change that much of what you do, just speech patterns and hobbies, basically. You don’t become another person.”

“No, not really. Sometimes I get–impulses, I guess? Stuff I wouldn’t want to do if I was just myself. But, yeah, it’s more like hobbies. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t usually–I’m still myself, but different aspects get emphasized.”

“I guess that makes sense.” He clears his throat. “That was, uh–that was the part that gave me the most trouble. Not that the whole zombie thing wasn’t–it was all a lot to take in. But I felt like I’d never actually met you.”

“Really?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “How was I supposed to know which parts were you?”

“That’s why you wanted to make sure the stuff I was eating this weekend wouldn’t affect me.”

“I wanted to make sure I knew the real you, yeah.”

“And?”

“And you’re how I hoped you’d be. Except for the zombie thing,” he adds, careful.

“Not a zombie fan?”

“It complicates this plan I had to ask you out, yeah.”

If not for that complication, she’d kiss him. As it is, she just smiles. “It’s a little complicated, yeah. But–this is me, if you want to try to figure it out.”

He smiles back, takes her hand to give it a quick squeeze. “Yeah. I’d like that.”