#i feel like forever is a little bit the autism interest of everyone right now

[cao-tick]

There is two side of the philever fandom:

The "Genius Forever and Old Man Phil"

And

The "Hardcore Philza and Silly [yandere] wet cat"

[The poly fans are here too /patpat]

AND THEN WE ALL UNITED FOR THE GREATEST "They are two great dads watching the sunset"

Forevers character is so funny. Competent, rich, genious man, who is cracked at the craft and cares deeply for his family. He uses his huge brain to protect the eggs at all costs. He is thoughtful, determined and consistent in his goals.

Enter Phil. A random gremlin of a man who happens to look like someone Forever knows.

Proceed to reduce Forever to a complete idiot. This man is now feral for one thing only - the love of a man whos only traits are violence on sight and boosh boosh.

[lakesbian]

@simurghed ok here are some miscellaneous nothing thoughts ive had about undersiders team vacation for you. this is my purest form of autism theres literally nothing interesting under this post just a lot of words of me sticking undersiders into situations. thats not intended as self deprecation just fair warning

if they went in a cave where the tour guide is like "DO NOT TOUCH ANY CAVE FORMATIONS or they will BE DESTROYED, FOREVER, after THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF BEAUTIFUL EXISTENCE" brian would immediately proceed to spend the entire tour staring at aisha and alec instead of looking at the rocks and shit and preparing to grab them if either of them attempts to touch a cave formation. alec would accidentally set his hand on one w/o realizing while huffing and puffing his way up stairs or a steep incline but he would be walking behind the rest of the team so no one would notice and he would pretend it didn't happen

brian accidentally slams his forehead into top of low tunnel everyone is walking through and swears for like 20 continuous seconds and then has to go sit somewhere with an ice pack and the entire time hes like I bet aisha and alec are touching so many fucking cave formations right now.

if the undersiders went on a hike or something where there were like. Ledges. over Long Drops. aisha would without doubt go stand on them and dick around in a spry 13yo manner and it would freak brian out so much he would yell Aisha Middle Name Laborn Get Your Ass The FUCK Down From There!!!!! and then she would pretend to be startled like she was about to fall off for a moment and he would almost have a heart attack and he would be so mad for the entire rest of the day and not let her off the trail at all and keep glaring at her

if they went to a beach they could all wear cute little swimsuits...taylor would have a full bodysuit (dark gray) but mostly just spend time sitting in a chair reading. rachie wouldnt wear a swimsuit but she would just take her dogs up and down the beach on walks in normal clothes and maybe get a bit damp anyway. brian would wear swim trunks and a long-sleeved top because he also feels uncomfortable having too much skin exposed but, like, more quietly. aisha is wearing a purple tankini with one of brians giant t-shirts over top. voluntarily, to be clear, ifeel like someone might misinterpret this as "brian made her" but shes doing that on purpose. i also think she has at least one "nightgown" that is fully a massive shirt stolen from brian but thats besides the point. lisa is wearing a purple bikini with one of those like. flowy half-skirts tied around the bottom. and alec is wearing girls swim shorts and one of those sheer white swim cover tops youre supposed to take off before you get in the water except he's not taking it off

aisha keeps pestering alec to go swimming with her and he's like sure ok and lets her drag him in. and then almost drowns because he doesn't know how to swim and figured he could just "wing it." brian has to dredge him out and he spends several minutes coughing up seawater sopping wet style while brian takes the opportunity to lecture about how he's stupid. and then he spends the next half hour after that complaining about how there is Sand up his Buttcrack.

aisha and alec spend literally like over half an hour just standing next to taylors chair pestering her to make a crab rave happen. she tries to ask lisa for back-up but lisa says she also wants to see the crab rave. so it happens. very clandestinely with only a few crabs.

aisha demands a ride on brian's shoulders into the ocean. he obliges. alec demands to get to go next. he is denied, because brian thinks it would be kind of gay. he doesn't say that, but it's what he's thinking.

i think they should get to have the most miserable time on the planet all waiting for their turns to shower off in the hotel room after going swimming. reasonably they would have multiple rooms but i like to envision theres only one and everyone is shivering and holding malicious intent towards whoever is actively in the shower. they make alec go last because they know how he is with long showers and he just kind of sits tragically on the entry tile in a slowly collecting puddle of sandy water and stares into space looking haunted and intermittently shivering

undersiders trip to history museum. undersiders trip to preserved historical building. undersiders trip to preserved fancy mansion. ive posted about this one before but both alec and brian are enjoying it (for different reasons) while aisha HATES it and it's freaking all three of them out a little. alec is performatively trying to pretend he also thinks it's lame because he's (largely platonically) whipped but then he turns around and asks the tour guide an actual question and he and aisha both know that in this moment he has betrayed and abandoned her. they reconcile via shared advocacy for ice cream afterwards

alec vasil hot and tired of walking frow up incident, no deaths, intense injury to one boy's pride and also his shoes

brian laborns intense and immense joy over getting to organize and use the contents of his cargo shorts

the incredible drama of brian laborn trying to parallel park the van in a really tight spot while lisa and taylor both play unwanted spotter for him and he's like Please. just Let me Concentr-. Just let me do what i need to do just be quiet for a minute . they do stop talking for a minute, during which aisha takes the opportunity to start making fart noises

rachel lindt is fitting so many ouppie dogs in the van and theyre just kind of ferreting between everyones legs and climbing onto laps to stick their heads out the windows and shit. this starts off as something everyone but rachel is mad about but settles into a more amenable cuddle pile situation

undersiders go to aquarium or zoo....zoo would be more fun to witness because alec would complain about it being hot + smelling bad the whole time. lisa has the intelligent idea to quiet him with a blue raspberry slushie

speaking of lisa you know shes going into this entire thing like Taylor Specifically has to have the most funnest specialest time ever. shes always like "ok ill read some dinner options off the phone :)" and then all 5 of them are things taylor specifically would love. and so on and so forth.

alec vasil spotted wandering lost and ghostlike in the modern art gallery

i could go on

[basuralindo]

Hi hi Echo!!! for the character ask meme!!! How about Jade? :o

Heeeey thank you!! Sorry this took forever to answer! (I'm always happy to talk about Jade lmao)

What I love about them: He's so fucking weird. I already went off about the eel and monster mermaid thing in my last ask about Floyd, but that's definitely a thing for Jade too. I love how fascinated he is with the surface world and all the things he never saw before. And just the way he's so false and malicious and reserved, but seems to have a very genuine love of wonder, I like that he displays a more realistically multifaceted personality, instead of just being evil for the sake of evil or whatever. Like, his psychology is fun to observe, I guess? Again, I have a lot of thoughts about this, but they're hard to explain right now. I just appreciate that he's complex and interesting and obviously came from a traumatic background, but like his brother, he seems to have warped his feelings towards it in a way that leaves him uninterested in lamenting any of it, but not really able to connect with most of society. I also like that the result of it all is him being a quiet little chaos gremlin who makes problems on purpose. He's just, fun.

What I hate about them: I'm... not a huge fan of sadism. I generally dislike sadistic characters automatically, but Jade's fun and interesting enough to bypass that feeling somehow. It makes him a challenge to write, for sure, cause half of it is me projecting autism and seriously low empathy, but then I have to just fumble and guess for sadism and horniness.

Favorite Moment/Quote: This bitch really went and risked everyone's life including his own for the chance to poison a ghost. Out of curiosity. And then bragged about it in front of her and had the audacity to act shocked and betrayed when he got slapped. I don't even know if that's my favorite moment. He's always pulling something. I also love his sledathon moments of eagerly recommending sabotage with Idia. And just found his halloween vignette really interesting for lore.

What I would like to see more focus on: I actually enjoy the level of mystery they've left with Jade. I'm always curious to know everything about the tweels' background, but the way he teases alarming information really adds to his charge overall. I'd love to see him experience genuine emotions to an extent he couldn't hide though, just because I wanna turn him inside out and see what's going on in there. (I'd also love to see him interact with Jamil more, but that's for shipping reasons, not overall story experience)

What I would like to see less focus on: I'm sure something will pop into my head in the middle of the night while I'm about to fall asleep, but right now I can't think of anything that's bothered me yet.

Favorite pairing with: Azul, and Jamil. And Trey is growing on me a bit.

Favorite friendship: I want him to be friends with Lilia so badlyyyyy. Also after sledathon I'm really enjoying whatever the fuck is going on with him and Idia.

NOTP: I can't think of any I've seen around and hated? I'm sure there could be, but nothing immediately comes to mind. RIP to anyone who gets shipped with the guy tbh.

Favorite headcanon: I have a whole theory planned out for the fic about his backstory and the development of his UM, but I'm not gonna spoil that here. Barely off canon but I think he can cook, technically, but wants to experiment too much amd it comes out nightmarish. Partially because of the experimental factors, partially because he's only had access to a stove for two years of his life and doesn't have the experience to go off script without disaster. Same goes for drinks.

[vendeavendea]

How Entrapta Has Become My All Time Favourite Autistic Representation in Media: Long Version

Just so you know what to expect, this is more of a very long and boring personal post and less of a character analysis. By "very long", I mean "very long". Also, half of it was written at night when I was supposed to be sleeping (like, right now), so some parts might not even make sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just days before I started to watch She-Ra, I answered a question in a writer group where someone asked what are the do's and don'ts of writing an autistic character. I've been told a couple of times in my life that I can’t be autistic based on the fact that I'm not really interested in or good at science, so I think special interests of autistic people are something that definitely has to be presented better in media. So I advised this person to make their character have a special interest that's NOT related to science, technology, space or computers, because it's a very common misconception that people on the autism spectrum are always into these stuff, and there are so many autistic fictional characters based on this stereotype that I feel like we absolutely don't need any more.

And then I saw Entrapta.

I didn't know she's canonically autistic until a much later episode, but it didn't surprise me when I was told she is, because my autism radar went off like a hundred times while watching System Failure and all her other season 1 appearances (so did my ADHD radar, by the way, but as far as I know, this hasn't been confirmed by the creators, so it's just my headcanon). And she looked like the purple ponytails princess version of the autism stereotype that I didn’t want to see any more of. The genius who is into space and robots, knows nothing about human relationships and keeps driving everyone nuts with her long and impossible-to-follow scientific monologues. Also cute and funny, yeah, but still, as someone on the spectrum who is super artistic and has nothing to do with science stuff, my first reaction was "dang, not this shit again." Just for once in my life, I wanted to see an autistic representation that's not just that typical weird tech-lover but a character that's at least a tiny bit more like me. Seeing her only in her first episode, little did I know that Entrapta's character has an incredible depth and her whole arc was going to be hair-raisingly personal to me (I know I'm not funny, but pun intended).

First, let’s talk about robots, because we can't talk about Entrapta without talking about robots. Entrapta builds robots just for fun, because technology is her thing, but there's actually a lot more behind this. Starting from as early as her debute episode, we see through the whole series that she creates robots with different designs, abilities, personalities, very similar to real people, as a sort of substitute for the human (or whatever species) company she'd wish to have. She even gives them names. She programs them to like being around her, to understand her, something that she hasn't really experienced from real people, which is sad enough on its own, but even sadder if we consider that she actually has human staff working at her fortress. She pretty literally makes friends, and she does it with the help of her special interest. And this totally reminds me of my primary school years when I had zero real friends and used my special interest, which was writing fictional stories and creating worlds/universes/languages in my head, to make up imaginary characters that could be my "friends" so that I wouldn't be that lonely.

Then, her interactions with other characters, especially with Hordak. Entrapta consoling Hordak in Huntara is a very powerful scene to me, not only what she says, but also how she says it. When Hordak starts venting about how he is a failure and all, Entrapta's first immediate response is to provide a practical solution, to design an armor for him, and comforting him with words is only a secondary action. She's helping in her own way, with technology, because that's what she's the best at, but she also wants to make sure he understands that fixing imperfections isn't always the solution, embracing them is. I also love how it's hinted with the "loved" crystal that Entrapta's love language may be acts of service (and probably quality time as well), which is another thing we have in common. And there's another thing in that scene I found very relatable: that part when she stops consoling him and starts to talk about herself being a failure instead. In real life, most people would read that in a negative way. I've been in many situations where I've tried doing something similar to people who were venting to me, and normally, they're like "ew, I'm the one complaining now, stop making it about you." But Hordak's reaction is different, all he does is try to tell her she's not a failure before she shushes him, then he just listens. He understands what Entrapta means by saying all those things about herself isn't "hey, look, my life is also horrible, so I get to complain, too" but rather "I feel you, we're the same". For a person who thinks and acts as differently from average people as Entrapta does, connecting with someone through similar experiences and feelings is a huge thing, and this is so relatable to me that I cried like a baby while watching that scene. Also, kudos to Christine Woods for making Entrapta's monologue sound so factual and casual. It really gives the impression of someone who is fully aware of her own strengths and weaknesses and accepts herself as a whole with all her flaws. The way she lists all the things that make her feel like a failure right after saying "imperfection is beautiful" is just... wow. But seriously, this whole "imperfection is beautiful" thing in general is such a cliché that it's not even supposed to work on me, but hell it does, because it's so well-presented that it's actually one of the most powerful moments of the whole series. Entrapta giving me self-acceptance lessons is all I've ever needed in my life (Hordak probably agrees, lol).

Speaking of self-acceptance, I also love how Beast Island shows that it's a long and difficult process with its ups and downs instead of just a door you walk through once in your life and then stay on the other side forever. Even if I accept and love myself the way I am, it's still totally normal to have low points with thoughts like "I'm not suited for friendship" or "everyone leaves me behind". And it's very nice and uplifting to have someone's love and support when I'm in a bad mood with stuff like this on my mind, but personally, I often find it easier to deal with if I have something related to any of my special interests around that I can focus my thoughts on. My "we flew here on an ancient First Ones ship, do you wanna see it?" would be something like "do you wanna create some characters and then write the shit out of them?" and before this show I've never actually realised how neurodiverse it is to use a hobby or interest for self-care like this. The "definitely the ship" part called me out so hard, and I just adore how the writers were able put so much meaning into a single joke line.

Back to interactions, there's also something painfully relatable in the way the other princesses treat Entrapta. Even in the beginning in No Princess Left Behind, but mostly in season 4 and 5. In most cases, Entrapta is only considered to be worthy enough to not be left behind in situations when her skills are useful. Other characters "liking" her isn't really about herself as a person but her tech knowledge. Just like when you go to school and the only reason your classmates want to make friends with you is because you always do your homework and let others copy it, or you're good at explaining stuff and are willing to help people getting prepared for tests/exams. When I was in grammar school, my classmates ignored me or mocked me for liking animation and comics, but every now and then they did the bare minimum of treating me like a human being and expected me to do their arts homework in return, because I was the only one in my class who was good at arts. When I studied linguistics at the uni, I was really into phonology and historical linguistics, and those were the compulsory subjects most of the other students were struggling with, so many people wanted to hang out with me just to make sure they could get my notes before the exams. The same people kept calling me nerd and making fun of me behind my back. I also had a few genuine friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still know what it feels like to be needed only for a specific skill while not being noticed and respected as a person, and Launch portraits this experience in a very clever way. It's so amazing to see how the princesses realise who Entrapta really is and start to treat her as someone who just thinks differently instead of someone who's a deliberate bad person. They finally get to see that she's not just an unwary tech nerd, but also a determined, caring and loyal friend who gives others so much love in her own geeky way and deserves love, too. But I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, we're talking about a show that teaches us "you worth more than what you can give to other people," and it's great how this message applies to other characters as well, not only to Adora. And the best part is that this whole conflict is not presented as something black and white, it's not like Entrapta is the poor misunderstood autistic person and the princesses are the evil allistic bad guys who mistreat her. It's simply a miscommunication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals, and while the other princesses get to understand that they hurt Entrapta by their actions and that they should be more respectful of her, Entrapta also realises that she's made mistakes and hurt people, becomes aware of her own bad habits and makes efforts to get rid of them in order to save Glimmer. Plus I also love the faint implication that most of the princesses never really, genuinely, 100% make friends with Entrapta even after this scene, because sometimes people just don't resonate with each other enough to become close friends, but they learn to accept her differences and treat her with respect, nonetheless. This episode is so full of realistic interactions and character development it blows my mind every time I rewatch it.

I could just go on and on about all those tiny relatable details such as "I've waited years for someone to ask me about my theories!" I think this was the line that first made me fall in love with Entrapta's character. I mean, if someone from the crew wrote this line, that means they might know the feeling, too, so I'm not the only dork who feels this way every time someone asks me a question about my hyperfixations. And it's just so reassuring. Entrapta has many lines of the kind, they're not even important plotwise, but still super relatable and validating.

Now that we're here, and I know that I probably should have said this at the beginning of the post, but I'm too lazy to rewrite the first paragraph accordingly, I'd like to note that these are all my own interpretations and reflections on Entrapta's character based on my own experiences. This whole thing is totally personal, and I don't want anyone to think that this is how Entrapta is supposed to be seen by the whole fandom. So yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

[cloneslugs]

yayoi + shinada + saejima

saejima i did forever ago just bc ik if i answered yours firsy w all 3 this would be ill but it still got too long bc im a sicko but anyway thank you this made me smile to write (:

Lady Dojima 

Sexuality Headcanon: bisexual 

Gender Headcanon: 🙈 lady . this actually fluctuates depending on how indulgent i wanna be but usually i just go cis woman -_- just bc that's my mom who would love and support me 

A ship I have with said character: erm.. *blushes* kashiwagi >_>

A BROTP I have with said character: kashiwagi as well :) that's her best friend thats her buddy, she has a really good relationship w kiryu too but it's different it's like a different tier entirely it's more familial in a sense but it isnt but it is, i also would like to explore her relationship w nishiki (apart from kiryu) but that is just (:, her and haruka would be cute too just bc <3 extended family 

A NOTP I have with said character: sera just bc the theories around it get on my nerves, any other man people pair her w tbh besides my beloved <3

A random headcanon: shes kind of a weird girl outside of professional settings i think the blunt way she talks is kind of offputting outside of those and also she just doesnt censor herself not that shes crude but she wont stop herself from saying weird or mean things, she has a really sarcastic sense of humor she delivers everything really dryly so it's hard to tell if shes serious or not also she doesnt laugh a lot you'll probably only make her laugh if you are close w her and even then she is just ._., daigo picks up a lot of his mannerisms from her if you see them next to each other in the same situation they are very very close and similar, she likes strawberry shortcake but shes very particular about it her like former bff ran a bakery and it feels homey and nice to her so <3 fond memories but now shes particular, her favorite flower bouquets are roses + hydrangeas but she doesn't really like roses on their own, she likes cats, she doesnt like cooking but she isnt bad at it, shes very meticulous about how she presents/looks, she has a similar academic bg w daigo, shes self taught w a katana mostly + she practices w it to destress, shes not social but shes kind of chatty if you catch her at the right time but she mostly just asks a lot of questions and doesnt engage in convo well, she likes dresses/skirts but mostly dresses <3, very close w daigo i think he really was one of those kids who was like "my mommy is my best friend <3" but they're very close that's her baby shes very proud of him and they are still close now, shes otherwise not very good w kids i think kind of awkward daigo was her exception everyone else she is just kind of … … …, she likes to sing/hum (: but only when alone/doing menial tasks

General Opinion over said character: i looooove her shes my everything i just care so deeply about her i cant even call her my friend i respect her too much shes a little bit above me but <3 hi lady dojima ik ive said this before and its so embarrassing but i get like >///< *blushes irl* if i think about calling her yayoi or god forbid a milf or anything it feels too disrespectful im so >_> anyway hiii i love you 

Shinada

Sexuality Headcanon: homosexual but hes so so repressed but he loves men 

Gender Headcanon: trans guy (: 

A ship I have with said character: 😏 daigo 

A BROTP I have with said character: not including daigo um akiyama (: the whole 5 party really saejima likes to look out for him and kiryu is also there and hed be a cute big bro to haruka 

A NOTP I have with said character: mine but its almost allowed bc of how laughable and mockable and ridiculous it is also any polyam ships that involve well.  you know.. 

A random headcanon: autism (: baseball special interest that started when he was like 7 and never went dormant ever, hes bad w time and remembering things he just loses track of everything, he sleeps a lot and can sleep anywhere but if hes not sleeping he has to be doing something like anything, he likes to paint his nails mostly green but sometimes he lets daigo do black, bad at math but he likes writing a lot just in general sometimes he writes little notes/poems/thoughts/stories on his scrap paper when hes procrastinating work they're nothing special so he doesnt even really acknowledge that he likes writing he usually just scraps them or forgets about them it's just for fun, he likes to impress people if someone mentions being into something he tries to get into it too i think hes just a people pleaser, he likes to sing (: also just for fun he doesnt care about being good he'll do it when walking around or when doing literally anything he doesnt care about being loud/obnoxious in public if hes in a good/energetic mood, he cant cook mostly bc he has trouble paying attention to things for a while he gets bored and forgets about stuff, he forgets to cut his hair a lot so it gets long sometimes and he just ties it up until he actually gets around to doing something about it, very friendly he says hi to everyone and is the kind of person to not disclude people ever hes just very kind, he doesnt hold his alcohol well he gets sick pretty fast, hes very good at talking baseball/batting specifically but not very good at teaching or hes not very practical about it at least hes actually better at giving pitching tips, he has weird volume control i think its actually the opposite of daigos, hes a hugger (:, kind of really bad w social cues hes really social but can be awkward he tends to talk too much, he procrastinates a lot but hes also just a "drop everything to come and help" kind of guy maybe he doesnt prioritize well but he just cares about people like he is kind of finicky for money but hes also the type to give up his jacket if someone needs it or lend things out when he can, hes not good at picking up hobbies sometimes girls/friends get him stuff like a plant or some kind of craft kir or something and it's not like he doesnt take care of it/do anything w it he just cant hold an interest he wanted to get into music/instruments once though but it's expensive and then he eventually stopped caring/forgot, he shares his food w street animals when he can, he can either sit through movies or he can't it's either like "if im idle too long ill die" or just intense focus, he smiles a lot it's like his default face but he also smiles/laughs when hes nervous, he takes lots of pictures hes the kind of person to just message out of the blue w a pic saying it reminded him if you even if you dont make the connection and maybe it's just bc he thinks about people when walking around and he'll see something pretty/nice/cute or that just makes him smile so he needs to share it w whoever was on his mind he does it w the rgg5 crew and akiyama doesnt get it but hell send like a thumbs up or some blingee bedazzled stupid pic back + kiryu usually ignores him but deep down he thinks its sweet and maybe says "thanks." but feels too awkward to send a pic of the kids or the beach back + saejima usually sends a cat picture back or just says "okay" or ignores it + haruka always sends something back and kind of does the same thing w shinada now where she'll send him things if she thinks of him bc he started it

General Opinion over said character: he makes me so happy i love him so much hes just sweet and <3 i love you you make my heart feel <3 nice and sweet and kind i love you you mean the world to me you make me so emo i wahhhh i love you <3

[elliot-orion]

1-5! :)

Pretty sure this was from the deep dive asks a while back., sorry for it taking so long! i just didn't have a project to work on, but I do now!! I’ll be answering for the White Lake (temp title) characters, Logan, Nellie, and Charlie.  Thank you so much! 

1. Who are two characters that don’t like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

Logan and Nellie have a bunch of tension at first, honestly. Logan is stubborn, but Nellie is more so, and both want opposite things. They also have a weird initial dynamic of “we were like... friend adjacent in high school, haven't talked to each other since, so we feel like we know the other but we’ve really barely exchanged a few words outside of class projects.” They were both the school weirdos and stuck together out of necessity, not real friendship, even tho both consider the other a friend even tho they really aren’t, so it leads to a lot of ‘i think you are this way but you arent behaving this way, why the hell wont you behave this way??” bc of the other like... placing what they want the other to be like onto them. if that makes even a lick of sense. I guess it all reveals what they want in a friend to the reader, bc they assume the other to be their Ideal Friend since they have nothing to confirm nor deny that. But its more of a ‘what you want versus what you need’ thing. Nellie wants someone who will listen to her and let her protect them without asking questions bc not listening and asking too many questions that nell couldn't answer got her one actual friend killed. Logan wants someone who just accepts his weirdness and doesn't try to push him. But Nell is pushy when she thinks she’s right (and tbh she usually is), and Logan is curious, and its a mess at first. They do put aside their differences tho. Nell is determined as hell and she realized at some point that she needs to work with Logan to keep him safe, and Logan learns that he needs to teach Nell how to accommodate his autism (that he doesn't know is autism because his parents suck) because she has no idea and just thinks he’s being difficult and has to meet her halfway too. Its messy but they work it out and become way way better friends because of it.

2. What do you hope readers will take away from your WIP? Is there an intentional theme (or themes) to the story?

I mean there’s not an intentional theme to it. I definitely want people to be unsettled and a little freaked out, I am intending it to be like... romantic era horror level horror book, if that makes sense. more atmospheric and eerie then ‘im actually going scream I'm so afraid’ horror. But also themes of friendship maybe? idk I haven't decided if there will be romance yet but definitely friendship and found family stuff.

3. What do you love most about your protagonist? (It can be something you’d admire in them if they were real, or something interesting about them as a character.)

Oh jeez. I love how determined Nell is to protect Logan. She doesn't always do it right, because misunderstandings and her idea of safe is different than his idea of happy and she needs to learn that he might be safer with her way but he’d be miserable. She just loves her people so much and she’s determined not to fail again, but its all coming from a place of deep love and I really admire how much she’s willing to put into keeping her family together. For Logan I admire how strong he is honestly. He lives in a really conservative, ableist town with parents who think he's just being difficult when its not his fault he's neurodivergent, but he knows who he is and what he needs and even when Nell is trying to push her beliefs about him onto him he stands strong in who he is. He knows he’s not wrong. He’s just lonely because no one else knows that. Its really admirable in my opinion (maybe because I've never been able to do that with my neurodivergencies and I'm definitely projecting but whateverrrrrrr). He’s also a really good friend, he’s just not given many chances to be that. As for Charlie I just love how happy they are. They try so hard to get Nell and Logan to get along, and they are always smiling even when they are the one who has the most reasons to be miserable (considering they did you know. die horrifically and are now trapped by an eldrich lake)They are always pushing themself to make others happy, even at their own expense, and while its not a trait I admire, it is one that I love in characters because I just love the hurt comfort when they break :3 also they are just fun as hell and I love my little extrovert cinnamon roll (who is way more devious than they seem but thats what happens when you basically grow up and then spend about 130 years with a ghost circus)

4. Is there anything in the story that is implied, but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

A lot of the lake stuff is implied at first, and there's a big misdirect, but it gets cleared up after just a bit so I don't think it counts. Um... idk ok I haven't even written draft one yet so idk what will be implied vs told I'm a pantser I've got about 6 plot point checkpoints and a vague idea of progression here most of this is being bs-ed. Im not even sure yet if I'm making Logan a trans guy or if there will be romance or anyone’s sexualities besides Nellie (who is v much a lesbian) I’ll get back to you on this. Although wait actually - Logan never gets his autism diagnosed, I know that, so that is implied but it's like. heavily implied so you won't have to be super perceptive to figure it out. I’m not doing any -coded stuff, he is, he just lives in a shitty town with no therapists for anyone to talk to. kinda hard to go to a therapist not from town and go ‘yea my best friends are ghosts, my town is actively trying to kill me, sorry im late the road disappeared how are you today?’ you feel? no one in this town gets any goddamn therapy. But its not explicit no. 

5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does this backstory affect the narrative?

Oh man uh... I guess Charlie has the most intricate backstory? definitely, the longest since they did die in the 1890s. In a fire. While they were trapped in a tiny ass box. in the middle of said fire. and burned alive.  .... What i said it was horror didn't i?? Charlie has some SERIOUS claustrophobia my guys. It’s common knowledge to the circus folks how Charlie died, they sorta agree its the worst of them all. Everyone died from the fire but only Charlie was trapped in such a small space unable to get out. They are the contortionist of the circus, it was a combo act with the magician who locked them in this way-too-small box and was going to make them disappear when the fire started and he ran off to help people and forgot them in the box. He’s super apologetic and Charlie only sorta still blames him. Logan and Nellie know that Charlie died in the fire but they don't find out until later exactly how. Idk how much it affects the narrative yet, but it does affect how Charlie interacts with the other circus performers since they tend to be mother hen-y around them, tho that also has to do with, again, charlie basically being raised by the whole crew. they ran away at like 11-12 or so to join, so yea, especially the people who have been there forever tend to view them as their kid in a way. It takes a village after all. But whether it affects the whole story, idk, again haven't started it yet. 

thanks again for the asks, and im sorry it took so long! 

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Fruits Basket HCs

If you haven’t been able to tell from my blog, I REALLY love Fruits Basket. I have this immense love for these characters and I want to share the different headcanons that I have for each of these fantastic characters. I’m going to cover a lot of ground so I apologize if this becomes really long. To make this easier for myself this first part is just going to be my six favorite characters (Momiji, Tohru, Kyo, Kakeru, Hatori and Hatsuharu).

Momiji: 

* The mental health side of things for Momiji is that in my non-professional medical opinion (to quote the original show) he has really high levels of ADHD. He learned to combat this by taking gymnastics lessons as a young boy while everyone else was doing karate he was learning to be bouncing ball. 

*This one is a pretty much canon one but I love this idea; Momiji is genderfluid. I love the idea of Momiji hanging around Ritsu and learning about fashion from them. I also just really love the idea of Momiji in a cute little skirt with shorts underneath (don’t judge me I just really love the idea of it.) 

*Number one touchy friend!! He’s constantly a ball of energy and will hug and cling to all of his friends if they indulge him. He loves affection both giving it and receiving it.  

*He is surprisingly a really good baker!! I love the idea of him making friendship cupcakes for Tohru after everything happened just to thank her for all her help (She wouldn’t accept them but offer to share them with him instead.) 

*He learned violin from Ayame. I like to think that out of all the Sohma’s he is the most musically inclined. If you want to learn how to play an instrument go to Aya he’ll help you out fam. 

*How he learned German and started using that as his main language was in elementary school right after what happened with his mom happened (I’m trying to keep this as non-spoilery as possible so that my friends can read this too). He wanted something that reminded him of her but wasn’t painful. So he decided to learn another language and Hatori helped him. 

*He is probably one of the most likely to spoil his future children. He’ll give them the childhood that he was never technically given. If those children wanted something they were going to get it whether or not it was their birthday they want it. Plus he has the money to get them whatever they want!! 

Tohru: 

*So space cadet Tohru is canon and I am of the personal belief that a little bit of ADD which is why she always needs Yuki’s help with school. Most of these HCs are going to be a little bit mental health related mostly because that’s how I see them. 

*If Tohru had the ability to go to college it would be to become a professional chef. She loves cooking for other people and making people happy. Professional chefs to me are the types of people that love to make others happy which is why she cooks for others. 

*She is definitely the hug friend. What is the hug friend you may ask? It is a person that can give the best hugs. She is constantly getting hugs from Uo-chan and Hana-chan and to me she just seems the type that would give the best hugs in the entire world. 

*She has always been interested in being in a relationship someday. When she was little she loved Disney movies and would fantasize about one day finding her own personal Prince Charming. 

*At first in dating Kyo, Tohru gets flustered by EVERYTHING. This poor girl is always blushing around the love of her life. 

*Her favorite subject in school will always be cooking but she is surprisingly good at history!! She loves learning about the past mostly because she is one of the few people that found it interesting. 

*As a mom she is the most doting parent, the type that kids get embarrassed by at sleepovers. 

Kyo: 

*My first HC for our favorite cat boi is that he has autism. Hear me out, when I was in middle school I struggled immensely when it came to relating to people and understanding how they felt. I had undiagnosed aspergers at the time and found that he was one of the few characters that wanted to be better at dealing with his emotions and people. Having that relatability now that I’m older has been a huge help. 

*The most surprising HC that I have about Kyo is that he loves to write. Usually it’s just little things that irritate him throughout the day. It’s how he learned to officially get his anger calmed down so that he wouldn’t yell anymore once Hajime and his kids were born. 

*As a kid Kyo never had ice cream. It’s the same thing with the pancakes where he had never had sweets that wasn’t fruit. Tohru is appalled by this and one of their first dates was to get him to try ice cream (his favorite is mint chocolate chip) 

*Growing up he was alone a lot but I think that he would find companionship in books and literature. I feel like he’d be really good at school like in the original where we see him pouring over books to study. (The best way to get him to do well is of course a little competition.) 

*Kyo is a hella overprotective dad once his kids are born. This is obvious but if he has any daughters those future boyfriends, run just run. 

*Once the curse is broken he is constantly trying to make up for the years where he wasn’t able to get physical affection. After he gets over his own flustered tsundere habits with Tohru they became easily the closest couple. He finds that he loves having his hair pet (if he purrs he’ll deny it until the end of time)  

*I think that out of all my favorites Kyo would be the best listener. You got a problem, no matter how stupid it is, Kyo will do his damndest to help you out. That’s just who he is especially when it comes to those he loves. 

Kakeru: 

*Kakeru’s mental health theory is that he has ADHD just like Momiji combined with dyslexia so he sometimes has a hard time reading things and needs help understanding what exactly he’s looking at for homework. 

*Him and Kimi always start prank wars that could go on FOREVER. If nobody stops them they can just go at each other for days. Eventually either Yuki or Machi will get too exhausted of their antics and force them to stop. These prank wars usually happen about once a month on the second week. They all fear this time of the month and whenever it happens it usually lasts for about three days. 

*Definite anime lover this boi!! He grew up watching the classics and it’s just something that stuck with him. 

*Before he became chaotic Kakeru TM he always hid this part of his personality but now that he’s older he is very open about his love for anime. 

*He wasn’t close to Machi until after she was kicked out of the family house. Before then he was almost indifferent towards her existence but when that happened he realized that he wanted to make her feel better whether she wanted it or not. 

*He is the best cuddler fight me on this. I feel like once you got him calmed down he would always be down for cuddling his S\O. 

*This one is pretty common amongst the fandom judging by how many people ship him with Yuki but I think that he’s not bisexual he’s pansexual he just loves people!! 

Hatori: 

*I don’t have a mental health HC for Hatori really other than PTSD (which let’s face it almost all of this cast of characters has.) 

*Before he met Kana he knew next to nothing about popular culture. His music taste was stuck in the 50′s and to her that was an absolute travesty!! Who hadn’t heard of Queen, Elton John or David Bowie?! She made it her goal to get him into modern things so that he could understand her. At the time he didn’t really understand a lot of the things that she liked. However, once she left him he learned to appreciate modern music and film. 

*Something that I really love about Hatori is the thought that he would be a fan of musical theater. It’s something that not a whole lot of people know mainly Shigure and Ayame and Aya always gets him tickets when a show he likes comes to town. 

*He can’t cook to save his life!! Literally the type of person that would somehow burn water and he doesn’t have the time to cook everyday but usually Momiji will bring him food that he makes. 

*Definitely a romantic at heart no matter how much the idea of love has hurt him in the past. He loves making Mayu happy at random intervals. From buying her random bouquets of flowers to planning things on a larger scale he just loves making her happy. 

*As a parent he’s the type to definitely be overprotective especially when they aren’t feeling well. His kid fainted at school? He’s already there trying to find out what went wrong and keep them at home with him for a few days until they get Dr. Tori’s clean bill of health. 

*As much as he bitches and moans about Ayame and Shigure’s annoying tendencies he couldn’t ask for two better best friends. \

Hatsuharu: 

*Mental health HC is that he’s bipolar thanks to the other dark personality even though most of the time he’s white it’s something that after everything happens Hatori insists he gets an official diagnosis of. 

*He loves grunge rock. The first time he discovered Nirvana Kurt Cobain became his instant hero. Not a way to live his life but someone that he was inspired by. His second favorite band is All Time Low (I’ve never heard any of their stuff this one is for my best friend who is an absolute Haru-stan) 

*He got his tattoo as his own way of rebelling against his family order. I think that his parents (we only really ever hear of his mom) being strict on him. That’s where the multiple piercings came from as well. Whenever he would hit a low point before middle school he would get a new one. 

*He is actually a really good cook and entirely capable of taking care of himself since his parents are often too busy for him. 

*He got into gaming by accidentally seeing Shigure playing a dating sim (Fight me on this one I dare you say that Shigure the pervy bastard doesn’t play these things) 

*He is definitely the romantic type as we see him bringing Rin flowers to cheer her up. He might be a little bit stiff at first and awkward but once he gets used to the person you bet your ass he’ll just cling to you as we see with Yuki much to his everlasting annoyance. 

*He’s an amazing artist!! He loves to draw just about anything that he can get his hands on. It’s something that he does now when he hits a low point instead of wrecking things he learned the proper way of coping with his problems. 

Whew!! Sorry about the length on this guy but I really wanted to do this while waiting for the dub to catch up. I will make more if people want more of them!! 

[gaiatheorist]

A little knowledge...

I keep starting this, and then deleting it, that’s either an indication that I’m trying to process as fully as i can, or that I’m being avoidant, and slipping into another depressive episode, I’ll keep an eye on it.

I have an untidy heap of paperwork at the side of my desk, it’s not ‘on’ the desk yet, because I’m not quite ready to fill it in. There’s no deadline on it, so it’s ‘floating’, rather than ‘fixed’, and the formatting of it is doing my head in. It’s the end-of-course review and coping plan for the Trauma Stabilisation Group I finished last week. I told my son a few days ago that the ‘mentals’ write their own coping plans, and he was incredulous, I’m relatively good at planning, and taking all factors into consideration, but the new medication, and the appeal against the denial of my disability benefit, and, well, 2020 are taking a toll on me, I’m slipping.

‘Introduction to Trauma Stabilisation Class’, three 90-minute sessions, delivered via Microsoft ‘Teams’, on account of the Covid-19 pandemic, we’re too unwell to be left to our own devices, so the online group was the least-bad option. It’s free, I know a fair few people who have had to pay for their own therapy, because they can’t access NHS treatment, and I know I’m part of a very small, but fortunate number, to still be on NHS lists. Groups of people with mental health issues are always a bit of a gamble, there’s the waiting-room-contagion factor, where some people will exchange symptoms and ‘unhelpful coping mechanisms’, and the weird mix of characters that are inevitable. This was either my third or fourth ‘Introduction to...’ group, and the online format was differently stressful to the in-the-flesh ones. I know ‘most’ of my group-dynamic bad habits, and there’s always a little bit of my cognitive functioning occupied with telling myself *don’t* do this, or that. In a nutshell, I’m a watchful show-off, the ‘feeling small and vulnerable’ part of my C-PTSD would, historically, lead me to muck about, or attempt to dominate groups, throw in my autistic ‘organising’, my professional desire to help, and the fatigue and over-stimulus from the brain injuries, and I *could* be a nightmare in groups. 

I was honest with the triage staff right from the beginning, it’ll be in my notes that I acknowledge my tendencies to ‘take charge’, as a means of coping with so much in my life that’s been beyond my control, it’s not all deliberate, and it’s sometimes really useful. I’m a sheep-dog, which is productive when I’m rounding up stragglers, and pointing them in the right direction, less-so when I’m distracted by a squirrel outside the window. 

Being what I am, and knowing what I know from my previous career is a double-edged sword. I know the fancy words for the theories and processes, so can be mildly irritated when the language has to be dumbed-down to the lowest common denominator. It does have to be, though, on the previous course, we had a couple of participants who couldn’t read the text on the worksheets (formatting issue, too much text crammed onto each page, to save on photocopying costs, they strained my eyes a bit) I can’t do my (TM) Autistic thing of assuming that, if I ‘know’ a thing, everyone else in the room does too. I can do my helpful thing of re-explaining something the facilitator has said if the group don’t seem to ‘get’ it, or clarifying something a participant has said if the facilitators misconstrue it. (One of the staff on the previous course was an absolute horror for that, she wasn’t listening actively, just barrelling on with what she thought had been said, people stop volunteering information when that happens.) I’m not there to ‘help’, or to ‘lead’, though. One of the participants in this last group threw a bit of a tantrum, she’d dominated most of the speaking in the previous session, and flipped when I was given air-time to explain something. That was hard to deal with, because I automatically switched to Mentor-mode, and very nearly lost track of the content trying to think of a way to alert one of the facilitators to check in on her, and try to bring her down from her agitated state before she hurt herself. 

I’m dabbling with the slightly paranoid theory that some participants, or even facilitators might think I’m a Mystery Shopper sort of thing. My ‘old’ practices and processes made a lot of people ask “How do you DO that?”, the ‘Matilda’-thing, I just do, I’m exceptional at a lot of very difficult things sometimes, but I can’t use oven-gloves, and, especially recently, I’ve been forgetting a lot of words. Other participants might think I’m a smart-arse, I am, it doesn’t matter, I imagine I frustrate the facilitators because I can give theoretically correct answers, but can’t consistently apply the theories in my own life. I’m not there to make friends, we all have to sign contracts of expectations saying we won’t form relationships, I understand that, an elective empathy with other high-end mental health cases is never going to be a good thing. My curious combination of conditions makes me a bit of a distance-er anyway, I stick as firmly as I can to the procedural pathways, it’s a process-with-purpose, not a popularity contest.

I’m struggling with the ‘be kind to yourself’ angle again. It’s not in my nature, I don’t know how. That bumps heads with the ‘normalising nice things’, even at this level of mental health intervention, we’re encouraged to ‘savour the taste of your favourite food’- food is just fuel, I don’t have a favourite, and, when people start banging on about chocolate, or cake, or whatever, I don’t get it. Visit a favourite place, phone/meet up with a friend, listen to uplifting music, go for a walk, buy yourself flowers, have a haircut, all of the ‘normal’ nice-things leave me cold, I don’t really have hobbies or interests, very few things spark my oxytocin or dopamine responses, I’m not a joyful type, that’s my baseline-normal, not a press-the-panic-button indicator that I’m depressed. 

“You’re just not trying!” Luckily, nobody ‘medical’ has trotted that one out, but it’s been the backing track to my life pretty much forever. I am trying, I’m trying very hard, especially since the brain injuries. There’s been a slow realisation that I have to pick my battles wisely, though. I’ve long maintained that anyone who’s ‘always’ happy must have a flap in their back where the batteries go, I’m not advocating living in a constant state of ‘Eeyore’ gloom, but constant joy must be bloody exhausting. I’m not always moody or maudlin, I’m just sort of ‘flat’, not particularly animated or enthusiastic about much, but I can engage for short periods when I need to. “Smile, love, it might never happen!” can get right in the bin, and, as the internet pointed out the other day, telling someone to ‘just think positive’ as a cure-all is ridiculous. Well-meaning, but oblivious people will chip in with their intrusive-insensitive opinions of how a bit of yoga, or more vegetables are all we need to be all-better, and it’s a challenge to not point out that some of us are a bit beyond ‘just snapping out of it’. 

That’s not defeatist. I’m autistic, my brain runs on a non-standard Operating System, the updates don’t always load, and I have to make a hell of a lot of work-around adaptations. Sometimes life’s like walking everywhere with my shoes on the wrong feet, and sometimes it’s like my appliances have come with the wrong plug, and I have to stick a spoon-handle in the Earth socket to make them work. On top of the autism, I had a succession of adverse experiences through the course of my life, which have left me with C-PTSD. I have a telephone-directory of medical conditions, and the icing on the cake was the brain haemorrhage  five years ago, I have brain injuries, bits of metal plugging up aneurysms, and one area of ‘risky’ defects on my brain-stem. Those are facts, I have a file of medical paperwork about two inches thick, but the UK disability benefit departments have decided to latch onto the fact that I’m not on any medication for mental health issues. (I’ve tried lots, none of them worked long-term, and now we know we’re dealing with a neurodevelopmental disorder, and physical brain damage, I don’t think a bit of Prozac is going to help.)

Knowing that my brain is physically and chemically different to ‘most’ people’s is not a get-out-of-jail-free-card. These are reasons, not excuses, and I’m doing what I can to work within and around my limitations. I’m not unique, or a special unicorn, I’m disabled, and damaged, and trying to work with the fragmented NHS. One of the issues with the trauma course was the assumptions. I absolutely don’t blame the facilitators, they’re working with pre-prepared material, and a ‘difficult’ cohort. I did gently correct the course-leader, when she started listing ‘normal’ coping mechanisms, the walk-in-the-park, cup-of-tea-with-friends type ones. Some of those ‘simple’ activities are incredibly difficult for some of us, that’s why we’re at this level of intervention, if we could have ‘just’ joined a knitting circle, or taken up photography, we’d already have done it. I explained the need for pacing, the other two participants had limited impulse control, so giving the ‘shopping list’ of strategies was a bit risky, I know I have a tendency to over-reach, so need to be careful with myself. None of us had mentioned nightmares or flashbacks, but they’re on the standard list of indicators for PTSD. There was an assumption that we all had them, in the same way as one of the other triage practitioners, ages ago, told me “It’s not PTSD, because you don’t have nightmares.” I have auditory and olfactory flashbacks and hallucinations. 

The doctors that didn’t make further investigations for the mutated migraines before the aneurysm ruptured. The gyneacologist that told my HUSBAND “There’s nothing physically wrong with her.”, the Occupational Health doctor who told me “It’s not vertigo, because that’s spinning.” and “It wasn’t a stroke, because you don’t have one-sided weakness.” I know they have to have lists of diagnostic criteria to start from, but Little-Miss-Autistic here spent far too long just-trying-to-cope because I didn’t fit neatly into their matrices. (Don’t get me started on DWP/PIP ignoring reams of evidence, and just picking out that I turned up to the assessment with my trousers on the right way around...) 

I know too much about some things, and not enough about others. My ‘flat’ presentation gives the impression that I’m calm when I’m not, and coping more than I am. The review for the trauma class isn’t until September, and I genuinely don’t know what the next step will be. I’m already on the waiting list for the ‘Compassion’ course, and the very long waiting list for the Specialist Neurodevelopmental Service in the city, to see if there’s anything ‘else’ I haven’t already tried to work within and around the autism. I’ve slipped through a million holes in a million nets, because I know enough to give the answers I ‘should’, the biggest irony is that when I answer “I don’t know.”, the assumption is that I’m being defensive or difficult. A little knowledge is indeed a dangerous thing.   

[demonsforfriends]

Just having a quiet moment to myself to sit and think about everything that's happened in the last week or so, and reflect on what's going on in my life right now.

It's been 3 weeks now since I've been in isolation and it's been a blessing in disguise. I didn't realise how much I needed time to just hermit and be at home and not mixing with the outside world. It's been over 3 weeks since I dissociated last, and that's something of a record for me. Even though we're having money worries, the same as everyone else, anxiety levels have dropped significantly.

Last week, we hit a bit of a bump. Well, a big bump actually. While anxiety has been a lot more manageable, there's been a lot of random depressive spells, and last week out of nowhere, I hit a wall, completely snapped, and made a really irrational, split second decision to end my life, and just went out on autopilot. For a moment, I was completely overwhelmed, felt like I was the source of all that's wrong with everything, felt like everyone's lives would be better without me in it and was just completely exhausted with the state of the world.

I struggle to do and understand a lot of things. Basic things, like working out how I feel, and talking about it, and dealing and acting on a single emotion. Feeding myself when I'm hungry. Showering when I need to. Understanding people's feelings and intentions. It's so difficult and confusing to the point of tears sometimes. But at the same time, I feel so so deeply, I just can't do anything about it a lot of the time, and not for lack of trying either. When I can actually pick up on it, I can feel deeper for others than I can myself. I've speculated in the past that I have autism, and never really thought anything of it, I just brushed it off and carried on. More recently, it's felt more and more like something I need to confront and deal with. Anyway, when I was off on my little suicide mission, I had a moment of clarity and I stopped. I turned my phone back on, and listened to the voicemail that my fiancée had left me and it absolutely broke my heart. She was so scared, and hurt, and confused and could barely speak for crying and it wrote me off. For a moment, I had a flash of confusion, which quickly turned to anger and self loathing. How could she love me? I'm so obsessed with perfection, but I am so imperfect, the exact opposite of the thing I've spent my entire life chasing, and trying to be. But as quickly as the anger came on, it dissolved. All I wanted to do was go home and make her feel better. I've always said that her happiness is my happiness, and I'll probably always stand by that. I went home, had a chat with the police, went with the ambulance crew to the hospital, spoke to the mental health teams, and went home to her. I felt so much remorse. We have regular mental health check ups with each other anyway, but that night we really talked a lot, about what I want, why I can't ever do anything for myself and the general day to day struggled that I have, and ups and downs that I have, and how to deal with my autism better. She also tried to work out how to love me better, which made me kinda sad, because there's no way she could do more for me than she already does, but she vowed to stick to it nonetheless. I've always believed her when she tells me she loves me, but somehow I believe her more now than ever.

I'm so glad I didn't go through with ending my life last week. I've experienced so many beautiful moments in this last 8 days alone. Things that would seem small and insignificant to some, but have been amazing and beautiful and really meaningful to me.

The first day after everything that happened, we spent the day at home together, mostly in bed. Just being in each others company. She held me and kept me calm for most of the day. Just the pure warmth and innocence of naked skin to skin contact was amazing. Jen sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the window, and as the sun was setting, I noticed the way the skin touched her skin and outlined her body, and it was truly an amazing thing to watch, so much so that I had to capture it. Her silhouette looked perfect against the dusk sky. I had a really profound feeling of being grateful to survive the previous afternoon, else I wouldn't have lived to see that moment.

Tuesday was a really, really amazing day, start to finish. One of the best days I've had in a long long time. Once Jen got back from work, we had a parcel arrive from Ithaca, actually genuinely one of my favourite bands. When the Covid-19 lockdown started, we bought a long sleeved t-shirt from them, because A. the shirt is sick as fuck and B. just to show some love and support. To our surprise, they sent us two shirts, the one that we ordered, as well as a bonus shirt from old merch stock, as well as a sticker and a handwritten note on the back of a photo of Djamila's dog, The Ham™.

Afterwards, we got dressed and headed out to go get some food shopping, and decided to talk through the park on the way home, and came across a beautiful bed of daffodils, so of course, I had to take pictures. The one above is my favourite, of course. Jen has the most beautiful smile, especially now that I know that she's happy for real.

After we'd been home, put the shopping away and showered, we headed out again. This time, to go hunt down a good spot to try and take some good photos of the "Pink Moon". We went for a nice long walk through the woods first though. It was so quiet, all we could hear were birds singing, the water running in the stream and the ground beneath our feet.

Once we found a good spot on high ground, we sat on top of two big rocks in front of some trees, one tree in particular was a a blossom tree, and we watched the sun go down, and just sat there quietly, looking at all of the colours meld and mix in the sky.

After the sun had set, we found the best spot we could find to set up the tripod and Jen sat by for a good half an hour to 45 minutes while I tried to get the best shot I could of the moon. I am honestly so so proud of this photo, I personally think it's one of the best photos I've ever taken.

I was starting to feel as though Jen was getting bored of sitting around, while I was indulging myself, as I know I often get carried away and absorbed when I'm doing something creative, and starting to feel like I should wrap things up, but instead, she took a big interest in what I was doing, and took the time and effort to get involved in what I was doing. She came and sat with me, and asked me questions about how my camera worked, and gave it a try for herself. I remember watching her try, and adjust, and try again and I remember feeling so much love, and feeling so proud of her. No one has ever gone out of their way to involve themselves in something that I love doing the way she did, and that memory, and that picture will stick with me forever.

This is just a bonus picture of Jen, because I thought she looked really beautiful under the glow of the streetlights and the moon. 😍

The day after/yesterday, after Jen came home from work, we spend another afternoon in bed together, to have some alone time. While the sex was amazing, as it usually is, that isn't the moment that sticks out for me, it's this one, in the photo. This might be grim, or kinda gross or just too much information for some, but I don't care. Now, ever since we have been together, both of us have become more comfortable body hair, periods, and pretty much everything that our bodies do naturally and we both find it beautiful. Something I've noticed, as well, is that people don't generally tend to talk much about grooming, especially when it comes to helping your partner groom and helping your partner with self care. Well, recently, we both decided to shave together, which is something both of us had to do before to please others, even though I never really liked it. However, this time is was different. Anyway, I have quite sensitive skin, and naturally, I get a lot of ingrown hairs, this time around have had a lot and it's been very uncomfortable and at times quite painful. When we were lay in bed together, I was in a bit of discomfort with it, and without batting an eyelid, Jen picks up the tweezers, heads back down there and starts removing and relieving all of the ingrown hairs. This really sticks out to me as a really beautiful moment. She was so gentle, and I was so comfortable that I felt no pain at all. I've never met anybody who treats my body with such care and respect before as she does, and she protects and looks after it better than I do. I remember being filled with love, and I felt like it was such an intimate moment, but a gentle, innocent kind of intimacy and it was beautiful. Another moment that will stay with me for a long, long time.

Later on in the evening, we went out for another walk, this time to go and meet Jen's mother and collect some food that she had got for us. On the way there, we came across a beautiful cherry blossom tree. Cherry blossoms are both of our favourite flowers, we absolutely adore them, so I wanted to photograph them, but I'm not a tall person and the tree was very high, so I couldn't reach to get a good close up photo of the flowers. Within seconds, she gave me a piggy back and hoisted me up high so I could get close enough to take this photo. We must've looked crazy to onlookers, but it was like we were the only two people in the world.

If I had gone through with ending my life last week, I would've missed out on all of these precious moments. As I said, they may seem small or insignificant to some, but to me, they hold so much weight and meaning. All of that would've been gone, within a split second of being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Stephanie Riddell, I wouldn't be here without you. I love you, so so much, more than words will ever be able to say. I can't wait to become your wife, so that everyday for the rest of our lives, we can carry on making beautiful memories out of the little things. Every day, you give me a reason to feel love and feel grateful for being alive. I hope you realise how special you are to me, and how meaningful it is to spend my life with you, however big or small the moment is.

[rickktish]

Sometimes it occurs to me

just how much my family just... does because of my dad’s autism, and how it translates into things we just do with my own. 

My dad wanders off in stores. My mom rolls her eyes sometimes when she’s trying to get his opinion on something and can’t find him, but other than that we just expect it, and account for it. My brother and I joke that he’s gone off into another dimension to fight vampire zombie pirate ninjas.

My dad will, on the rare occasion he feels he’s done enough work and enough housework to stay on top of it and enough research to understand the current advancements in his field, simply wander into the TV room and turn on a game, and whoever is interested will casually drift in there and sit down and quietly watch. Or he’ll start a movie and we’ll just... join him. Because he uses whatever media he’s putting on as an invitation to spend time in each others’ presence without having to talk or discuss anything, just enjoy being together. It has been that way my entire life.

My dad loves biology and computer science. We have a box garden in our back yard, because growing things in clay is hard and we had to get better dirt, which we don’t care for as often as we should but when we do, my dad will infodump on us the entire time we’re out there about the structure of plant cells or how Darwin’s theory actually works or why genetics work the way they do. My high school biology teacher refused to help me understand anything she was teaching and once exclaimed “am I speaking Chinese?!” when I visited her after school to request clarification on something I didn’t understand, throwing her hands in the air and refusing to explain it to me. I passed that class because my dad was always willing to tweak the language he used in his info dumping to help me get it. 

I just... never thought of these behaviors as autistic. Because in my family they were normal. They’re just things my dad does, things I’ve never known him not to do, so why should I be surprised when he wanders out of the room in the middle of a conversation? Why should I be surprised when he goes out and tinkers in the garage with no explanation? I don’t think my mom even notices when she’s reading my dad’s mind anymore because she knows that when he goes out to the garden, he has a plan. When he pulls out this device or that tool, he has something in mind which he probably brought up months ago and is now finding time to do.

And it’s not all the same, but it’s always been really similar for me?

Like, the first thing my mom asked me to do every day she picked me up from school was info dump on her. And I would talk the entire way home about whatever interested me that day, usually something linguistic or historical, and she’d listen and ask interested questions and follow my random jumps to other topics just fine. And I never thought it was anything weird to talk the entire way home about one verb form in French or a single person in history because she never made me feel like it was anything but normal. She actively tries to have just enough base knowledge to follow along in whatever thing my dad and I have taken interest in; she was a computer science major with him for a little while before she went into math instead and can follow the ideas behind my dad’s tech-related rambles. She’s terrible at spelling because of an auditory processing disorder and being nearly deaf in one ear, but she can follow along on my rants about the vital differences between two similar suffixes that convey deep, religious meaning to me about the nature of the words they make. When the rest of us are too distracted by what we’re doing in the garden to continue to prompt my dad, she’ll lean back and ask for clarification on a point, or ask if something is similar to what he’s been talking about, and then he’s off again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my mom does really well with autistic people and never made me feel anything but normal, partly because to me, my dad was normal. And I could never understand in school why other people didn’t think the way I did, and my teachers never quite understood why I would randomly start info dumping in class (partly because almost none of them ever thought I might be autistic), but my mom got it. And as rough as we had it for several years, especially when I was younger, I’m really grateful to her for normalizing my dad’s autistic behaviors in our home. Because I would be a very different person if my mom had said “shut up” instead of “this needs my attention right now, can I listen to you in just a minute?’ or “stop wandering off” instead of “hey, can you get x from the other side of the store if you happen that way?” or “Stop. Be still.” instead of “Can you try to stay a little bit closer? It’s hard for me to understand when your back is turned toward me, especially if you’re farther away.”

I just think about the fact that I never even heard that it was normal to look people in the eye when you talk to them until I was in middle school and read a book about a girl with Asperger's. I think about the fact that instead of saying “look at me” my mom said “If you look at people’s mouths when they talk you can understand them better” and instead of telling me not to stim by chewing on my arms because it was gross or weird she explained that she was worried about the bruises I was leaving because she didn’t like seeing me hurt. She gently scolded me when I took up nail-biting instead and continued to express mild concern but no outright control of “you cannot do this” for years until I finally decided to break the habit in middle school because I found other ways to stim. She understood when I said I hated the feeling of cutting my nails and rather than only forcing me to do it anyway she helped me soak them beforehand so the skin could adjust more easily to being newly exposed to air-- which was really important, because the awful sensation of adjusting meant playing my violin got hard at times and she helped with that. 

I think about how normal Autism is at my house and I can hardly believe it now. Because my mom chose to marry an autistic man and chose to learn to understand his behaviors instead of rejecting them. And they both chose to work to understand and put up with each other, my mom with my dad’s emotional distance and small expressive range due to years of trying to numb his extreme emotions, and my dad with my mom’s temper tantrums when she would forget that she wasn’t always the victim of every circumstance. 

They each actively and independently chose to do whatever it took to be able to live with each other forever. And that meant accepting autism as a way of thinking, as a way of being, and that meant accepting that mood disorders and childhood trauma continue to affect life long after you’ve left your parents house, and that meant accepting that everyone needs a therapist sometimes and it doesn’t mean you’re broken it just means you’re lacking certain skills. 

And now that I’m at college? Living with roommates who are very neurotypical and have never had to deal with someone with autism and selective mutism before? My mom continues to remind me that I can learn things, I can do things to make my life better. I told her I had nowhere to be alone; she told me it was okay to move my mattress under my bed and drape my spare sheets over the top. I have a cave now. My roommates have no idea why and give me weird looks every now and then, but don’t say anything. She reminded me it’s okay to have needs, even odd ones related to my autism. I complained to her at my grandfather’s funeral that I had no idea how to talk to people, I don’t understand the purpose of small talk, and people greeting each other on campus as they pass is the bane of my existence because I can’t speak fast enough to still be facing them when I reply and I thought people were supposed to face each other when they talk. She said I should ask one of the counselors at the school to be my social coach so I can ask what normal interaction looks like and how to behave and respond in a socially acceptable manner. So I did. And I have a better grasp now, because while he thought it was a little odd, he answered my questions and helped me understand.

I guess all I’m really trying to say is that in my life, autism has always been the norm. And even now that I’m away from home-- so very, very far away from home-- my mom is working to make sure that I know it’s okay for it to continue to be the norm. And that’s really made all the difference.

[incognitowetrust]

I am a selfish person. Long incoherent rambling time.

There’s no way to get this out in a well written thing without taking fucking forever. 

But it’s something that bothers me about myself. Actually, I just wrote a thing in a Discord chat, and I’m basically gonna copy-paste the damn thing because I don’t want to rewrite the whole thing. I’ll add a bit more on than the initial thing though. 

I usually don't vent, but I'm just gonna do a small one because I feel like mentioning it to someone. A friend person I made recently is on the spectrum like me and around the same age, and she's nice and all, but I have the same problem with her that I've noticed I have with some other people, and it makes me feel awful and also annoys the fuck outta me. Her drawing style is pretty basic, and I'm happy to see people get excited about their characters but her characters aren't technically interesting, and she messages a lot and recently I did say "hey listen I'm not gonna reply to every message" because I like to be upfront about that shit just so people know... but anyway, it's hard to describe, but she falls into like a specific type of person that I can relate to and still have love for but I find myself wanting to avoid and I can't actually grow off of them. 

Like... it's awful because it reminds me of when I was like ages 13-15 and actually learning social things that other people already knew just because of me lacking friendship experience and only just having made artist friends, and I cringe at my past self but understand it at the same time, and I have to be understanding towards people because I understand what it's like to be there, and I always want to be the person I needed when I was younger. But... I mean... is it selfish to pick and choose who I "like" based on standards like... "experience" and "skills"? I mean, I often haven't been brave enough to interact with "cool" people anyway, but... fuck, I wiiish that I couuuld be liike the coool, kidsss, like the coool kiiiids.

I wonder if some of my feelings relate all the way back to elementary school, I was often paired with this one autistic girl, who I didn't have anything against (though tbh she did have some gross habits and she was hard to talk to at a young age), she and I were always the slowest in PE, always the quiet lonely kids, always the kinda pudgy and awkward girls, and I guess I felt myself pushing away from her not because I didn't like her but because of my strong sense of wanting my own identity and didn't want to always be stuck with her "just 'cuz" she was the only partner who was left over when other kids made partners.

Something that I also wonder is, well, I have an older sibling on the spectrum, but diagnosed early. I was diagnosed at 18. My parents have always tried to be fair as far as making sure we both get the attention we needed, but still, I was pretty much the older sibling because for much of our childhoods my sister and I did everything together, and I was very protective of her. The only reason I have ever punched anyone was because someone stole her glasses and I punched the girl to get them back after trying to politely reason didn’t work. We were so close, but somewhere around puberty I started breaking off from her, I became more and more hungry for my own identity, and our interests and activities grew apart as well. At this point in my life, I don’t really chat with my sister much, or do a ton of sisterly activities with her, and I think I basically avoid her because I don’t want to get mad at her for stupid little pet peevey reasons. I admit, there’s some of me that resents that I’ve had to make sacrifices because of her, I could never hum or sing because of her sound sensitivity, and nowadays sometimes I have to be the one to receive a text to relay a message to my sister because she often either doesn’t notice texts, or doesn’t have her phone on at all. I remember in 2016 in the past, it was around the peak of a shitty time in my life, a school staff member came up and asked how my sister was doing and what she was doing. I was salty and grumpy, and basically said “I don’t know” and “I don’t really care” because I’m not her damn babysitter, and if it’s SO important to ya, lady, you can probably just email her. Though, oh yeah, my sis hadn’t always checked her emails either. 

Look, I’m not gonna act like I don’t have my problematic quirks. I do take out garbage and vacuum, but I avoid problems even if I remember there’s something I’m supposed to do, and I procrastinate. It’s also very easy for me to forget or ignore something unless it’s right under my nose, but I admit, often it’s just me acting out of avoidance. 

Something that I think I’ve developed is... I have a huge want to love and be loved in return, I want to take care of people and feel like I matter to someone, but on the other hand besides my mom and a few adults rocking pulling me through life I’ve kinda picked up on behaviors of “Other people have problems. They gotta be taken care of. I should help. I am lazy and not all that troubled anyway, so I don’t need to share my problems with others.” ... I want to take care of others and be a good listener, but I resent it at the same time. I resent that while I’m out trying to take care of people, I don’t feel like I can be vulnerable and let someone take care of me. Because I also don’t want to let myself be vulnerable and rely on someone enough so that if I made a “friend” and lost them that I’d be legit hurt. 

I’m left with even more weird feelings about myself, remembering and considering things I know about my own family members now that I didn’t know the same about when I was young, like my mom, who I credit as being the most important person in my life, she’s the oldest of 5. She was really another parent. Look, I don’t care how close your family is, or how loving they are, when ya got a big family, the oldest child becomes another parent. And they lived in Saudi Arabia for a while, where at one point the family got in a bad car accident and my gramma was wheelchair bound and immobile, and though my mom lost use of one of her arms for a while she took up the brunt of a lot the taking-care-of-people work. She’s badass, but so many responsible people, as much as suffering builds character, there’s a lot that so many people like this shouldn’t of had to do. My aunt Santos (partner of one of my aunts) was the “tough” child... sure, her parents can praise her for never having to give her help, but it doesn’t matter how “normal” or how “capable” you are, everyone should be able to feel like they can be vulnerable and be taken care of sometimes. Something I’ve come to try and remember a lot is you never know what pain people are actually going through, so while I do want to take care of myself, I always ask my mom when she comes home how her day was. She’s mentioned to me in the past that as a parent there’s the dilemma of “do I show I’m troubled so my child knows I’m human and it’s okay to be upset, or do I hide my troubles for the sake of their comfort?” ... but now that I’m older, I assume this gave a lot more leeway for me to be a listener. She still takes care of me way more than I take care of her, but I do things with her and listen to her in ways that my sister doesn’t necessarily do automatically. 

I guess back to more of the original subject, I’ve actually had a friend for many years now, or at least I’ve certainly known them for many years and we became friendly a little later, she isn’t diagnosed with autism, but she still fits in the category of “nice people who I sometimes want to avoid for some reason”. It’s awful, this person has great respect for me, and we even made a couple OCs together, but I’ve had times sitting here in my chair wondering “how do I respond to this?” or “Should I feel bad I’m not as excited about this one thingy as she is?” and “Aw man I wanna talk to someone. No, not you right now. I’m being a choosing beggar.” like who the fuck do I think I am to not be loving on this person who only holds me in the highest of regards?? 

But here’s the thing I guess. No matter what, there are a few important things in friendships, or really any relationship. Communication, and mutual enjoyment. It doesn’t have to be the choice fault of one or both people that something doesn’t like up, often people just don’t line up. I mean, lots of romantic relationships end not because people hate each other but because two perfectly decent people feel hungry for something else. As long as I treat people with basic human respect, I can’t be too hard on myself can I? There’s so so many people I could choose to have as the few I have regular conversations with at a time, but I tend to fall into routines, and there’s only so much time in the day, so this impacts my social capabilities a lot. I can only talk to people how I want to talk to people on my own time. I wish I could hear everyone’s stories and carry a small piece of them around with me all the time, but it’s tiring as fuck, man. 

I want to be around people who inspire me so badly I am thrown into euphoria, the rare euphoria I only get when I have a friendly interaction with someone I didn’t think would have the time or interest to notice me. I technically have really good reading, writing, and drawing skills, but I need to push myself, I need people to bounce off of so I feel motivated to impress and not be lazy. I’m constantly starved for that stimulation and positive reinforcement. 

I’ll end this here I suppose. 

[jenniferisacommonname]

Voiceactors in my Head

One of my many contradictory feature sets is a silent, circumventing stubbornness paired with a pathological fear of confrontation. I will get what I want, and I will not stand my ground if verbally pressed on it. I concede points like it’s an Olympic sport. But as long as everyone's still smiling—gently, snidely, or otherwise—then I can go on forever. Case in point, I once trolled a stranger on the internet for over a year. (Don’t worry; by the end of the story you’ll be on my side again. And if you’re not, well, I mostly agree with you.)

It all started with a CD which was, at the time, exclusively available through the record label’s website. This was back in 2005, when online retailers still ran on frontier justice and only fools uttered the words “free shipping.” Needless to say, I did not have an existing account.

But we do what we must. So I bent the knee, and delivered my modern-day rogation of name, email, and PII governed by the Sarbanes-Oxley Act in order to receive my one CD—then I defiantly wasted that effort by never patronizing their establishment again. I mean, the album was fine, and I’m sure they had other struggling artists whose work I would have enjoyed, but apparently I’m against creative expression and the American small business owner or something.

Anyway, five years of blissful non-interaction go by. Then one day in 2010, I get a mass email from the founder of this little indie record label. It was—or at least it aspired to be—a classic “starting a new chapter” kind of announcement, letting everyone know that he had sold his (incredibly!) successful company, and was using the proceeds to start a charity that would bring music lessons to inner city children.

And, hey, I thought, that’s cool. Music is great for kids. Except… the tone of the email was weird. It was more than just casual; it was chummy. The concept of a YouTuber didn’t exist back then, but here was its primordial ancestor, testing the beachhead with its nascent flipper-legs of peppy chic.

“Yo, J-dawg, how's it hanging? Remember back in [mail-merged year] when you bought [whatever]? What a great album, am I right?! Anyway, it's been so long since we rapped, I thought I'd update you on my sitch…”

Obviously, I’m paraphrasing, but that’s how the voiceactor in my head performed it. And it just rubbed me so hard the wrong way. I mean, look, I get it—we live in a promotional society, and there's no avoiding that. I’ve done my fair share of book pimping, and if you have a legitimate fan base the intrusion can even be a welcome one. So, fine. Tell me about your thing—once—and maybe I'll buy it. But don't act like we're friends, like I have some kind of obligation to you beyond this basic consumer relationship that we've established.

So my gut reaction was a hard pass, pleading children’s eyes be damned. But the email didn’t include a link to unsubscribe. This spammer was so brazen, he had sent the message from his personal email account, as if threats like “more updates to come!” belonged in anything but a ransom note font. If I wanted my name off the list, I would have to actually write him back, creating exactly the kind of low-stakes, one-on-one confrontation that we all know is worse than torture.

How would I even phrase it, knowing that his overture was from the heart and my rejection would travel right back along that path? “Listen, amigo, I know you probably spent an hour composing this raw, honest self-reflection on your priorities, but it’s garbage, and I never want to hear from you again. Please keep in mind that while you have failed to inspire me, you’ve also failed the children. Because you’re a failure.”

The actual words wouldn’t matter; I was sure that’s what he’d hear. In fact, I would argue that a polite rejection is often worse, because it leaves no option for the rejectee to write off the loss as a dodged bullet. They really were a nice person, and you’ll probably never find anyone so humble again, you loser.

So instead, I got out my favorite piece of social armor: the ironic “yes, and.” In improv theater, if a scene partner implies that you’re the best of friends, you don’t argue with them. You commit to the bit. So I did.

“Oh my God, Steve, it's so good to hear from you!” I wrote (except I used his real name, of course.) “I can’t believe you still remember our special album. Makes me weepy just thinking about what it meant to us. Anyway, here’s what’s been going on in my life...” Then without warning, I dumped several years’ worth of emotional trauma on him—about severe autism, and how hard day-to-day life was, and how each treatment brought hope and frustration in equal measure while somehow never easing my crippling fear of the future. It was a therapy session on steroids, directed at a stranger under the guise of bitter sarcasm. My flippant sign-off left no doubts about my true feelings: “Anyway, as I’m sure you can imagine, we are flat broke with medical bills, bruh! So I'm gonna need you to take us off your list. But in the meantime, here are some autism charities that you could donate to on our behalf, since we're such good friends.”

To be clear, open snark isn’t remotely in the spirit of “yes, and.” But it felt better in that moment than honest rejection, and I figured he’d take the hint.

Instead, the guy wrote back.

“Wow, what an amazing story!” he said. “Crazy world we live in. I'll go ahead and take you off the list, but I do hope you'll think of us in the future.”

Ugh. He had met my bad behavior with empathy, and I felt moderately ashamed. Then again, you couldn’t argue with results, and at least I knew this ordeal was behind me.

Except he didn't take me off the list. A couple of weeks later, I get another fake-personal email, which I must again paraphrase, though I remember with furious precision the way it made me feel. “Heyyyy Jenn-ster, it's me again! I know how much you've always loved music, so I know you're gonna want to hear about this...”

BITCH. YOU. DON’T. KNOW. ME.

“Steve, what happened?!” I wrote back. “You used to be such a good listener! I think the money's changed you, man.” And I asked once again to be taken off the list.

This time, he ignored me. No reply, and the spam kept coming.

So I just decided that this was going to be our thing. Every time he sent me an email full of stuff I didn't care about, I was going to send him an email full of stuff he didn't care about. Except I kept pushing it a little farther each time, like, “Ooh, potty training's not going so great, let me tell you all about it...” And at the end of every email I'd always remind him, “Hey, anytime you want to stop getting updates on my son's bowel movements, all you have to do is take me off your list.” Sometimes I bolded it; once I super-sized it into a 40-point font. But he never did.

This went on for over a year.

But I won.

It’s a trite saying, but sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words. The last email I ever got from this guy was short, which was unusual for him, and it said something like, “Great news! We've just graduated our first class of students—check out these pics!” (Why am I paraphrasing so much, when email is forever and I could just go back and give you direct quotes? Stop asking questions and roll with me for a minute.) Anyway, embedded in the email, like already loaded and filling the screen HTML-style, was this giant picture of… I don’t know, a kid kissing a trumpet or something. It was probably super cute, to be honest—but I was on a mission.

“Great news!” I wrote back, trying as always to mimic the exact structure of whatever he had sent me. “My son just had a colonoscopy—check out these pics!” And I pasted the actual medical photos of my child’s rectal passage into the email, pre-loaded and filling the screen, so he’d be forced to view them against his will, just as I’d been forced to endure his endless marketing crap.

Sure enough, he never emailed me again.

Pretty good story, right? And that closer—I mean how can you top sending medical photos to a complete stranger just to gross them out? Unfortunately (or fortunately; I’ll leave it up to you,) this one has a weirdly philosophical denouement. If you like your narratives sassy and single-layered, I suggest you duck out now.

Around 2015, I was trawling my past for wild stories that could be condensed into a tight three minutes for open mic night, and ‘that time I emailed colonoscopy pics to a spammer’ was an obvious contender. Once I had the basic structure written down, more or less exactly as I remembered it, I went digging through those ancient emails to finalize the details.

And what I found was… not what I remembered. The story I told above clearly had some emotional embellishments (see: paraphrasing), but it was fundamentally true in circumstance, I thought. And, yes, I really did send this guy two pictures of my son’s colonoscopy, though they were just thumbnail attachments, not embedded. But the text of my actual emails to him barely came off as snarky at all, and I never once told him in clear terms to take me off his list. There are a few lame hints at irony that you can pick out if you really squint, but by and large I was just… writing him back. Like we were friends.

Which is a good thing, because his emails to me were even less accurate in my memory than mine had been. He hadn’t cut me off; he’d replied to every single email I’d sent, in a way that made it clear that he’d watched every video and read every article. He was cordial, empathetic, and seemed genuinely interested in my kids. It was a therapy session on steroids, all right—minus the steroids.

BITCH.

YOU. KNOW. ME.

And in return for all this kindness, I had sent him horrific medical photos for no reason. To which he had replied (and this time I’m not paraphrasing,) “Thanks for the update on your son. I appreciate it. Keep up the good work. All the best to you both.” The updates from him had indeed ceased after that, but from what I can tell it was just a coincidental winding down of that particular enterprise, not a removal of my name from any specific list.

Eventually, I ended up emailing him again, this time as a penitential mea culpa to ease my own conscience. I explained the situation, and apologized for my unfair judgment of years past, plus of course the unsolicited sigmoid landscapes. He thought the whole thing was hilarious, and admitted that he’d never once picked up on my poorly-conveyed bitterness.

More important than the personal amends, though, was the lesson I had to swallow about how emotions don’t just cloud memories—sometimes they invent them out of whole cloth. I swear, I swear I remember a photo of a kid graduating from his charitable music lessons, but I can find absolutely no evidence of it anywhere. My brain made it up to retroactively justify my behavior: yes, I sent a photo, but only because he sent a photo first. It’s not even a remotely good justification, but I guess it took the edge off just enough to keep seeing myself as a good person.

It was an important lesson professionally, too. History is nothing but a mashup of inherently self-serving memories, and multiple perspectives can only draw a narrative closer to objective truth by half-steps, never to fully reach its destination. Even hard evidence is fallible, because my emails as written did not accurately represent how I felt when I wrote them, which is an important part of the story in its own way. Misinterpretations and flawed perspectives are inevitable, but they’re also necessary, and stripping them out as a historian is just as wrong as taking them at face value. A story is both what the participants think it is, and what we know it isn’t—especially when those two conflict—and every non-fiction piece I write is just somebody else’s therapy session on steroids.

[apathetic-revenant]

yesterday I called the psychiatric clinic where I made an appointment a couple of months ago. at the time they had told me that the waiting list period was 2-4 months, and I wanted to know what it was now.

I’m not sure if they didn’t understand that I was wanting to know specifically where my appointment was on the list, or if they just weren’t going to tell me that, but either way all they would say was that their waiting period is 4-6 months.

so that was encouraging.

my dad sent me the sites for a couple of other clinics to try applying to instead and I keep looking at them but I haven’t done anything yet.

I have it good, really. I’m living with my parents right now and they’re very supportive. they’re trying to help me get better and they’ve made it clear that I can stay here as long as I need. I’m not in any danger. I don’t have any emergency medical issues. I don’t have crippling debt. I don’t have a job right now, but that’s no one’s fault but mine. I know there are people doing so much worse than me. I see their stories every day. people who are still going out and doing things and getting by under horrible circumstances and here I am, doing nothing. not even trying. 

really, the only problem I have is me. 

when I was in school I grew to hate the question of “what are you going to do after you graduate?” so much that I banned all mention of it from my graduation party. now I get the upgraded question, “so what are you doing now?” and I hate it even more.

every time a well-meaning family member asks me that I think, nothing. I am doing nothing. I am floating. I am drifting in space.

my brother came home to visit over the Fourth of July weekend. he had a car that he wanted to bring home so my dad and I went out in my grandfather’s truck to help tow it back. 

on the ride home he asked me the question. 

I mentioned that I had made a psychiatric appointment and that I was sort of waiting on that. 

he gave me advice. about moving forward and getting your name out there. about how things will probably suck for a while because when you send out lots of resumes they’ll almost all get rejected but things will improve. you just gotta push forward a little bit at a time. it’s good that you have that appointment but you shouldn’t just wait for your situation to get better. you always think the next thing will be better, he says, but when it comes along there will be problems with that too. keep pushing forward but don’t place all your hope on any one thing to turn everything around.

uh huh, I said.

it was good advice. 

then we got distracted by a goat and he went on to give me advice about how to survive the zombie apocalypse. he was very heavily caffeinated at the time. 

I couldn’t figure out how to explain that waiting for this appointment felt like waiting for a live preserver. like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean and it was all I could do to stay afloat and someone had said, you cannot wait to be rescued. you have to swim to shore by yourself.

you’ll be alright, my brother said. you did well in school. 

and so I did. I made it on the dean’s list almost every semester, my professors usually liked me, I hardly ever missed class, I could count on one hand the amount of assignments that I had botched or missed in my entire time in school. I graduated magna cum laude and immediately received a great deal of ribbing about how my family had to find out from the program because I didn’t tell them. I had to repeat several times that I also had to find out from the program because they didn’t tell me ahead of time either.

I did not say that it was nice and all but I didn’t really care about it that much. I was tired and happy that it was over and that I could take the stupid robe off and go eat some cookies now and anyway you can’t say things like that, really. 

I did well in school and I hated it. I was exhausted and miserable and I stressed myself sick all the time. I wanted to be able to miss class when I felt bad, or to bullshit on lesser assignments instead of panicking over them. I couldn’t. the anxiety was always pushing me forward, threatening me with the consequences of failure. 

my first semester I went to see a college counselor. I said that I had a lot of anxiety.

“I notice you don’t make eye contact,” the first one said, and suggested a tentative diagnoses of PDD-NOS. I asked to see another counselor.

I saw the next one for the rest of the semester. it was difficult to fit the sessions in around class and work and productions and convocations and everything else. the counselor was nice, but I found that I was not looking forward to seeing her. it involved talking, something I have never been much good at. 

she told me early on that she didn’t believe in labels. “I don’t want to put you in a box,” she said. “Everyone is different. I want to focus on your situation, not on a diagnosis and a list of symptoms.” 

I nodded and I didn’t argue because she was, after all, the counselor, and probably right, even if it made my heart sink because goddamn did I want a label. I wanted a box. I wanted to say this is what I have, this is what’s wrong with me. I was very, very tired of saying this is just the way I am. 

in our last session she told me that her conclusion was that I was probably somewhere on the autism spectrum. I did not really feel like that was true, but even if it was I wondered why everyone seemed interested in giving me a very vague diagnosis of something autistic but resisted putting any labels on the anxiety I had very explicitly told them I had. 

I never resumed the sessions the next semester. I kept on doing well in school. college offered lots of opportunities: clubs and honor societies and extracurricular work and field trips and conferences and social events and networking opportunities. all kinds of ways to build up your future, plan for life after graduation. 

I couldn’t care about my future.I knew that I should but I couldn’t. I did the things that were right in front of me, the things that I had to do, and I didn’t have anything left. I didn’t feel enthusiastic or excited about anything.

but after all, how bad could things be, if I was doing so well?

things have never been truly dire. I have never been at risk of self-harm. I get up every morning and I do some things and I brush my teeth and shower every day. I’m not sure how much of it is driven by anxiety and guilt over not doing the things, but I do them. things were never so bad in college that anyone saw cause for alarm. things are not so bad now that I cannot wait two, four, six months in abeyance. 

you can’t wait too long, my brother said. if you spend too long out of college not doing anything, people will notice. they won’t want to hire you so much. 

it has been seven months now since I graduated. I think a lot about those old stories about people getting trapped in the faerie otherworld. how time seems to stand still, one moment stretching out forever like a dream, but when they finally return to the real world it has been centuries and centuries. 

lately life feels like floating. like anti-gravity, drifting through endless space; like swimming against a current, moving with all my might but going nowhere. things don’t work and I don’t know why. books pile up unread, projects rot, emails go unanswered and there’s no reason for any of it. things just don’t happen. 

I look at these appointment forms and I think, this isn’t going to work. they are going to tell me that there is really nothing wrong with me. that there is something wrong with me but they’re not going to say what it is because they don’t want to put me in a box. that there is something wrong with me but it’s not the thing I think is wrong, it’s not the anxiety or depression it’s something else they think is more interesting. that there is something wrong with me but there’s really not much they can do about it. that things can’t be too bad if I did so well in school, if there are no emergencies now, if I am moving from day to day. 

that I will sit in someone’s office feeling like I did sitting in the car with my brother, trying to explain why I have done nothing with my life for seven months, but being unable to get the words right, and they will shake their head and send me away. 

I wish I had not done well in school. I wish I had failed, because I am failing now, failing at the things I want to do, failing at doing the things I am expected to do, failing at finding any meaning in anything, failing to be happy. but it’s unbelievable, even to me. it makes no sense. the fault must be mine, somewhere, but I can’t find it. 

[courtreadsmostlyfiction]

Best Books of 2017

What a fucking year. I am trying to climb out of a hole of depression (at times, I feel like I fell in the hole on election night 2016, and at times, I feel like I’ve been in the hole - whether I realized it or not - for 30 years), and books help. In case they help you, too, here are some of my best reads of the year.

The Best Books I Read in 2017

Standard Deviation - I’ve been recommending this book to everyone, and I can’t quite get the recommendation right. It’s about marriage, living in a city, autism, origami. See, you don’t want to read it, right? Yet it was my favorite read of the year, so maybe this will convince you: it made me laugh out loud multiple times (which books rarely do). In twenty-fucking-seventeen. I was grateful for a witty escape, and maybe you need one, too.

(And if that doesn’t convince you: sometimes when I love a book so much, I become slightly obsessed with the author and try to learn as much as I can about them. The author of this book is Katherine Heiny, and she lives in Bethesda [!!!], and I have hopes that I will run into her someday and then we’ll be good friends and she’ll ask me to read drafts of her work. Twenty-five years ago she sent a story to the New Yorker on a Thursday, and they called her on Friday and said they were running it. That kind of makes you hate her, but gives her some writing chops. Then she spent some decades writing YA books for a different author, and now I’m behind on this list because I started reading all about her all over again.)

(PS I thought I would hate Audra, and I ended up really loving her, and now I find myself wondering what she would have to say about things. I made Grant read this book, and he does the same thing, which is really fun.)

Autumn - I would have sworn I read this in 2016 since it seems like forever ago, but the yellow construction paper list doesn’t lie. This is a book the wonderful Ali Smith wrote after Brexit, so it felt fitting (and a little depressing) to read after Trump. She’s planning a book for all of the seasons, and I can’t wait. Winter comes out on January 9, 2018.

A Gentleman in Moscow - I’ve avoided Amor Towles books because they didn’t sound that interesting to me, which was my loss. I read this and Rules of Civility (see honorable mention list below) and loved them both but recommend this one if you’re only reading one. You can google the book to find out what it’s about (a count is under house arrest in a wonderful hotel in Moscow in the 1920s), but to me it was about survival, and it’s some of what I needed to read this past year.

Rich People Problems - A few years ago, my best book of the year would have been Crazy Rich Asians (the title is problematic, but I still recommend it to people, and hope everyone will read it before they watch the movie that’s coming out). The second in the series, China Rich Girlfriend, was good but not amazing, so I had lower expectations for RCP. I’m not sure if it’s because my expectations were lower, and it sailed over them, but I loved this book. If you need an escape, especially one with laughs, and I haven’t convinced you about Standard Deviation, start this series.

Hunger: A Memoir of My Body - Mostly, I read to escape because it’s my stress reliever and one of my coping mechanisms, which is evident in many of these reviews. I say that so that you know that this book is NOT an escape; rather, it’s one that broke me open and left me raw, and one of the few nonfiction books to make my list. I am forever thankful for Roxane (one N!) for her courage and hope so many people will read this and seek to understand and be empathetic. At the same time, if you are a #metoo, especially for sexual assault, maybe don’t read this if you’re in a depression spiral. The book will wait until you are ready.

Plainsong - I found Kent Haruf when I read Our Souls at Night (also recommend) when I think it was on the Tournament of Books. I did the whole I’m-obsessed-about-an-author thing and was saddened to realize he’d died right after publication of that book. If you want to know what it’s like to live in a small town, please read him. You can start with Plainsong and then you have two more books in the series (Eventide, Benediction) to look forward to reading. Basically, read this if you want the escape equivalent of a quiet weekend on a farm with no internet.

Goodbye, Vitamin - A delicious read for anyone who has felt lost at a crossroads (who hasn’t???).

You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me: A Memoir - Sherman Alexie is an incredible author (proof: once someone who worked for me said he didn’t know if he’d ever read a book, so [#badmanagementalert] I delegated reading The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian as part of his job, and he read it and loved it), and this is a memoir about the tortured relationship he had with his mom. He writes family dysfunction so well I felt like some of the sentences were coming from my own brain onto the page.

Little Fires Everywhere - I also love Celeste Ng (read Everything I Never Told You, too), and worried a little bit that there would be no way I could love her second novel as much as her first. And then I read Little Fires Everywhere and loved it more! It made me remember what it was like to be in high school, about what happens to secrets in families, and I appreciated the nuanced view of culture and adoption. This was Amazon’s (well-deserved!) best pick of the year for 2017.

The Misfortune of Marion Palm - Read this and find yourself rooting for a flawed woman who runs away from her life and might get away with it.

This Is How It Always Is - This was one of my last reads of the year, and I wish I could have savored reading it more, but I couldn’t put it down. It’s about parenting and love and cisgender and transgender children. I loved it so much that I kept reading it through the author acknowledgments where she writes that it’s inspired by her real life (she’s the mother of a transgender daughter) and so she knows that it will be a controversial book but she can’t for the life of her remember why. Read it and then I think that sentence will resonate with you, too.

Christmas Days - Maybe save this for Christmas 2018, but definitely read it. It’s a collection of short stories (a medium I’m usually not down with, tbh) that the author Jeanette Winterson wrote for her friends and family, and then her publisher convinced her to publish them. That doesn’t sound good at all, but it is! I only read it because I’m a Jeanette Winterson fan, and then they were delightful in a hygge sort of way (and not in a Lifetime Christmas movie sort of way). I felt odd that I liked this so much, and then felt super validated when this title showed up on the NYT best 100 books. So if you don’t believe me, believe them!

Mysteries

The Dry - I love a good mystery, but to me that means that it needs to be a page-turner, I can’t guess who did it (but afterward I can go back and the clues were there the whole time), and it has good writing. That last criterion is what usually trips up my quest, but not in The Dry! If anyone asks me for mystery, and they’ve already read Before The Fall, this is what I’m recommending.

Magpie Murders - A mystery within a mystery! I didn’t know if I’d be down for this concept, but it met the criteria above, and I ended up loving it. I haven’t recommended it to Grant (and I usually force my recommendations on him, especially for mysteries), and I think because it’s more of a puzzle than a thriller, so keep that in mind. (I just put together a puzzle and didn’t even ask him to help because I think he’d rather someone stab him in the eye with toothpicks, so recommending a puzzle book to him wouldn’t end well.)

Honorable Mentions in 2017 (ie I really enjoyed these books, too, but not enough to write a blurb about each of them)

Small Admissions

The American War

The Mothers

Rules of Civility

Anything is Possible

Killers of the Flower Moon

The Impossible Fortress

The Heirs

Dark Matter

The Force

Exit West

Refuge

Future Home of the Living God

The Power

Sing, Unburied Sing

The Essex Serpent

Mysteries

Celine

Since We Fell

Skinny Dip

Not A Sound

Charm City

Baltimore Blues

Participation Award Glass Houses - this is the 13th book in the Armand Gamache series by Louise Penny. I usually love them, but I didn’t love this one. I’m mentioning it because I did love going to the Eastern Townships outside of Montreal this year to see the village inspiration for her books, and if you’re looking for reliably good mysteries, you can start with Still Life. You can also pick up Maisie Dobbs, and you’ll thank me later.

[mumandbear-blog]

Feeding Time at the Zoo!

Feeding Time at the Zoo!

Having 2 kids on the ASD let me tell you…. feeding them can be a struggle! It’s the normal everyday feeding kids problem, times ten. Ty won’t try anything new, unless it’s chocolate or junky! He just politely says “No Thankyou” and I want to kill him! Of course he doesn’t care that I have spent all that time in the kitchen cooking something that looks like crap but is supposed to be really healthy! Sigh!

Fun fact… I’m Type 2 diabetic. I have been diagnosed for 5 years now. I spent a lot of time denying this fact and figuring I am going to die anyway, F&#$ it, bring on the yummy food! The last couple of years I realised its not all about me (I’m a slow learner) and I need to be here as long as possible to help raise these weird little people…. There is no way Chris can do that on his own! So we started implementing the slow carb diet. We’ve evolved that into the Ketogenic Diet and we almost always stick to it! Almost always, wine doesn’t count!

We haven’t as yet successfully made our kids stick to it… Especially Ty… He is a CARB FIEND!

There have been numerous studies done on gut microbes and behavioral issues, including Autism. It’s very interesting the correlations that are being made between gut bacteria and behavior.

Now I am in no way saying I’m going to be doing a fecal transplant on my kids! That shit won’t fly… so to speak. But I have changed a few things in both Caleb and Ty’s diet over time. When Caleb was diagnosed way back 10 years ago, we removed all preservatives, colours and additives from his food. It really helped a lot. I noticed an improvement in his moods straight away. We had already removed most of that when Ty was diagnosed so it hasn’t been such an upheaval for us. Ty stopped breastfeeding at 1 year old and went on to having normal fat milk in his bottles, he was having about 4 or 5 bottles a day. When he was about 2 1/2 years old all the tests started, after a health nurse checking on Lochie noticed there was something not quite right with Ty. We swapped out Ty’s milk bottles for formula as we knew he wasn’t getting anywhere near enough vitamins and minerals from his limited diet that we were able to make him eat. Toast, mashed potato and unhealthy chips were his absolute favourite! We noticed a massive improvement in his behavior! His food has been harder to tackle.

We mostly try to make him eat a low carb meal for dinner or sausages because they are a steady favourite! We can’t as yet get him to eat any other meat and I have to use a bar mixer to zhush his food (anything other than sausages) as the texture makes him gag. My FIL has bought a sausage maker and we are just waiting on skins to try and make our own sausages! I hate buying them from the shops as everyone knows they are just the leftover bits of animals all ground up! BLEGH! Cauliflower is king in our dinners too, cauli mash is great! It looks like mashed potato and Ty will wolf it down! Cauli rice is another favourite, by us but not Ty… yet.

Caleb got over his aversions to food once he was old enough to understand being bribed…. or threatened.  I know it can feel like forever but it’s not. It’s just another stage to get through. Some days it feels like a constant struggle but the trick is to keep on trying. Introducing new foods is an important step to getting their guts in working order and as mine have a much larger chance of being diabetic when they’re older, we have to be very aware of what they are eating!

Has anyone else had any luck with diet change for kiddies? I’d love to hear any recipes or ideas that have worked for you!

Sarah

PS: Chris and I are HUGE fans of Tim Ferris and followed his Slow Carb Diet for a long time with great results! Grab a copy here!

[ugdigital]

[THE STAGE] MEELAH WILLIAMS [ @itmseelah ]: STRENGTH OF LOVE

It’s so wonderful to reconnect with Meelah Williams. As most know, Williams has been venturing into the world of acting over the past few years, and she’s now taking a lead in The Baz Brothers production, Strength of Love. It’s an amazing story of love, forgiveness, and all the craziness that can happen in between. Strength of Love will be showing Valentine’s weekend in Griffin, GA. 

 We took some time to chat with Ms. Williams about her role in this stage play, and what the world can expect from her first leading role. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: I’m most grateful to you for a few things; one for you sharing your time with me today. Also, you were a tremendous part of our first issue. I’m always forever thankful to you. 

 Meelah Williams: Thank you for the opportunity. I’m grateful that you even gave me that platform. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: So we’re together for Strength of Love, but before I even start, I have to get your thoughts on the New Edition movie, considering how instrumental Michael Bivens was in the careers of 702. 

 Meelah Williams: It really is outstanding. I’ve only seen two parts so far, but the actors have done an amazing job. The actors were spot on. I was there for some of it, but to see it on television, it’s refreshing to see the other side of the industry. A lot of people who want to do this often forget about the other side. It’s not always the glitz and glamour. It’s refreshing that they opened themselves up and allowed them[the actors] to be there with them. I had no idea that they went through all the things they did. It was like 1996 for the Home Again tour. We were clueless to a lot of what happened behind the scenes, but there were times when we definitely felt the tension. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: When you mention how spot on they were, the kids were really amazing. 

 Meelah Williams: I know, right? 

 U.G. Digital Mag: The one who play Mike looked just like him. 

 Meelah Williams: Isn’t that crazy? I asked where did they find that kid. He had that same swag, cocky arrogance, and the whole Boston swag. Clearly Mike and everyone was instrumental in picking the characters that played them, but it’s amazing they found someone so close. Those kids did an amazing job. The casting for Brooke Payne as well, which was the guy from the wire, Wood Harris. I've got to catch up with part 3 now. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: It’s funny because my son is 10, and he’s enamored with the movie. 

 Meelah Williams: I’m disappointed I missed last night, but I will definitely catch it. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: So Strength of Love, it’s such an amazing story. I saw the first run of it last year, so it’s good to see it back. How is it for you to come in this time around?

 Meelah Williams: First, I’m just humbled and flattered for someone to reach out and ask of my interest. It’s always a blessing after all this time that people still call and seek my talent. Everyone has been so welcoming. I knew Chandra Currelley because I worked with her for Kandi Burruss’ A Mother’s Love. I was so excited to see Mrs. Chandra again. She’s always great, professional, and so cool. The woman knows what she is doing. I look at her like an auntie. She’s so magical, and anytime I’m in her presence, I’m in awe. She’s so multifaceted. I have to see one of her shows because I love jazz. She’s like someone you’ve known for years. When you go into an ensemble of new people, you never know how it will be. The directors and writers are so chill and laid back. By the second or third rehearsal, they were like family. They’re serious too, but they know how to have fun and make you feel comfortable. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: There's something special about The Baz Brothers. Chandra is amazing too, and her background with S.O.S. Band is something else. 

 Meelah Williams: Listen! That’s good music. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: But it’s just knowing all she’s done and how humble she is, and how welcoming she is. She’s simply amazing. You have a family of people for sure. 

 Meelah Williams: I’m so grateful. The opportunity is so cool. It’s my third stage play, but the first time I’ve been a leading character. It’s humbling, and exciting to pursue something like this. It’s a blessing to get the acting chops going and the blood flowing. It’s a different level of entertainment coming from the music world. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: You character has so much depth. How was it to tap into that?

 Meelah Williams: It’s interesting because I had this conversation with my mother. It can be very draining at times. That goes for acting in general because you have to morph into these characters and tune into that space. Every nuance and characteristic that your character embodies, you have to align with that. After tomorrow, we’re no longer called by our real names. I have to get into that zone. Her story is so deep, and it’s deep to have to go there. You have to tap into things that may be uncomfortable from your own life and path. You have to find something that’s parallel in some sense to help you convey the emotions. I didn’t know it would be this deep. If that’s what it takes, then let me do this. It’s all in being an actor. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: Everyone is looking forward to it. What are your hopes for the three days?

 Meelah Williams: I hope that those who come out, whether it’s to see me, someone else, or they're just interested, are satisfied. I hope they enjoy everything they see and are not disappointed in my acting, or on any level. I hope they see my passion, and know that I’m working to take this to another level. This is just the beginning. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: Again, I think you’re so amazing with this. I’ve followed since 702. I’ve watched the R&B Divas, and could really appreciate how you stuck to your guns in terms of portrayal, and what people saw in you. You protected your image, and that was major. Thank you for that. 

 Meelah Williams: I appreciate that. It’s hard. Unfortunately, the business has changed so much from the time 702 came out until now. The values are different, with social media, and reality shows. If you are someone who’s wholesome, or “a good girl”, you come off as boring, dull, and as having no personality. If I’m not flipping over a table, cursing someone out, or just being flat out ignorant, I have no personality. I have layers to me and I’m complex. I just want to be decent on television because it’s how I was raised. Does that mean I can’t defend myself in a situation? Of course not, but will I be confrontational? That’s not my way. I thank you for acknowledging that though. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: There’s more who look for what you offer than there are who look for the craziness. It doesn’t seem so at times, but there are. 

 Meelah Williams: It’s frustrating because I have ratchet tendencies (laughing). If you take me there, for instance about my son, or my family, you’ll see the turn up. I’ve been taught to be classy. I am human though, and don’t always know how to turn the other cheek, but I try to be pretty chill. I plan on doing reality TV again, maybe if I have creative control. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: I would love to see it. The last time we spoke, we talked a lot about your foundation. I would love to see more about that. 

 Meelah Williams: Thank you! Yes. That was the other thing with my story line on R&B Divas. We touched on it, and I guess that was the basis of it, but I wanted to focus more on that. Moving forward, there have been some ideas out there. I’ve been approached, being an autism mom. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: There’s so many people who deal with it [autism], but you touch a lot of people with your story and they really benefit from it. 

 Meelah Williams: It needs to be talked about more. I respect everyone’s wishes because I too wasn’t sure in the beginning if I wanted to put it out there. It’s definitely private and personal. They have that right, but those of us who do want to talk, I think we should. A lot of parents don’t know how to handle it. It’s not an easy thing or a walk in the park. There’s several levels, even mild levels. It’s challenging, but life has challenges. I think it would be cool in the African Amercian community to touch on it, even with mental illness. We don’t touch on it much. We just sweep it under the rug. Unfortunately, where there’s no communication, other issues arise. It’s like, this could be prevented if we just talk about it. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: Can you talk about other things you’re working on or have coming up?

 Meelah Williams: I actually just signed a record deal with Soulstar / E1 music. This will be my solo debut album. It feels like I’ve been doing solo music for a while and I’ve had singles here and there, but this will be my first body of work. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: Knowing of Soulstar, and your music, you’re in the perfect place. They can really get it out there. 

 Meelah Williams: Thank you so much. It’s a good feeling to be in this space with complete and creative control. I can zone out and figure out what I want to do sonically. A lot of people still don’t know who I am. It feels good to create a project that is all me. I just started recording a few weeks ago, so I’m in the very beginning stages. I’m not rushing it, but it may be around late summer or the end of 2017. I’m looking for a super successful album. It’s still so premature that I don’t even have a title yet. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: People like myself, and your entire fanbase, knowing you have something coming, it’s more than enough for us. You gave us “Give It to You” a few years ago, and then it was like OK, we’re waiting. 

 Meelah Williams: I know. I was kinda teasing y’all a bit (laughing), with Stupid in love, a great single written by TC, but I just do a little bit to hold y’all over (laughing). 

 U.G. Digital Mag: Well we’re waiting patiently [laughing]. How can everyone keep up with you online?

 Meelah Williams: All my social media handles are @ItsMeelah for Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. It’s the same for my website [www.itsmeelah.com], but I’m revamping everything. I’m under new management, with a new label, new "er’thang (laughing). I don’t have a snapchat, and don’t y’all come for me (laughing). I think I’m the only one in the world who don’t have one. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: I’ll keep it real with you. I can’t get with it [Snapchat]. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing [laughing]. 

 Meelah Williams: We’re neck and neck. I’m already giving y’all all of me in three other places, what more do you want? [laughing]

 U.G. Digital Mag: It’s crazy. I can’t figure it out, but my ten year old has it down to a science. 

 Meelah Williams: At least Instagram tried to help us out. It’s all inclusive there. Y’all wanna see what’s up with me, follow me on Instagram. I also recently added a camera crew to my team, so I’ll be in the studio today, and you’ll see some things on my YouTube channel, eventually maybe even a webisode. 

 U.G. Digital Mag: People look forward to it. Thank you again, so much for today, for our first issue, and everything. 

 Meelah Williams: I’m so happy I was able to help.