#i feel like a failure. i feel like im trapped in a cage. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melissamagdalena · 2 years

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Purple Rain

The pillar fell. It crashed and crumbled all over the checkered floor. All I could do was watch - mesmerised. I couldn't patch it, I couldn't glue it back together, I couldn't erect it up again. So I just watched - bewildered, from my corner on the cosmic shelf.

As a ceramic cup with wounds and scars and scratches, I am broken too, but I refuse to fall like the pillar did. It's my pride. I will sit here with my chips and bear them till forever if I have too because I am fighting the authoritarian. The one who was there from the day I was created and who has unconsciously been tyrannising me since. When I played poker, I was always dealt the worst hand because the authoritarian took pleasure in my failure. When I ran a race and won, I was over joyed, more so than most because I knew that I had to try harder and I had finally stood on equal footing with the authoritarian and the authoritarian would simply laugh at my childish naivete.

I am not battling you. I am not battling the world, I am not battling myself. I am not even battling the pillar. I am in no war with anyone in particular or any thing, except for the authoritarian. The strange catch is though that I dont know who the authoritarian is, so I pretended for a long time that it was the pillar. I falsely convinced myself that the issues of my whole existence was the pillar, but it wasn't, it was the authoritarian.

The pillar has now crashed, it is in pieces and it is waiting on its artisans to patch it up. It can never be what it used to be. In its day, the pillar stood so firm, so strong, so huge, so invincible. No one could conquer the pillar. It was physically completely robust and a blow from its marble arm could push anyone to the floor and leave them with cuts, bruises and ruby red bleeding teeth. Its word was final and anyone who dared challenge the pillar would be shown all the pillar was made of. No one dared challenge the mighty pillar – ever. Yet there it was now, on the floor in a million pieces, waiting on the artisans to fix it.

I used to think I was weaker than the pillar, but Im not. While the pillar whines for the zillionth time, mourning its loss of youth and robust physical strength and health, something so irritating to listen too, something that makes me feel shame for the pillar, I sit here in my insignificant corner of the cosmic shelf in strong silence. I used to idolise the pillar, in fact I wanted to be like the pillar, even though we are not the same and Ive always been told that a pretty ceramic cup must always be a pretty ceramic cup and nothing more. It must know its corner of the cosmic shelf and be willing to play the doll but not the warrior, except I wanted to be the warrior and I was and I am, but only in regards to the pillar because I am no longer battling the pillar, although for many years I thought I was.

No, the pillar may have been aggressive and abrasive sometimes, I guess it's hard work keeping an affront of strength when your whole significance lies solely on your physical grandeur of tough marble because when that crumbles, you are no longer what you used to be, the ideology is torn apart, the veil rips and you see truth in all its ugliness and its quite humbling. No, I feel pity for the pillar, although I used to rely solely on it to save me, however now I know it can't save me, no one can, not from the authoritarian.

So I watch the crumbled pillar with tears in my eyes because I weep for its loss, I weep for its pain, I weep for its suffering, but I mostly weep for its delusion, the fact that it believed itself to be what it could never be and lived trapped inside its psychological cage which its past experiences had forced onto it. See, when the pillar was created, the artisans, they used to drink and gamble and cheat and be downright filthy, vulgar sorts, so the pillar was forced to fend for itself by itself in a world that can only ever respect pillars if they are pretending to be strong. So the pillar became strong, whether it wanted to be strong or not is beside the point and completely irrelevant, but it was shaped by the artisans into a mighty pillar and a mighty pillar it had to be. Final. There was no disputing the matter. The pillar fell. It crashed and crumbled all over the checkered floor. Its millions of broken marble pieces incapable of ever being glued back together again. And I wept for the pillar because it couldn't be anything else.

Yet when the artisans created me, they were of sound mind and wealthy and ambitious and worked constantly from day to night. I was molded perfectly from the finest ceramic with the prettiest pastel flowers all around my skin and a glowing golden rim around my head, just like a halo. I was the artisans pride and joy, so they gave me everything. Luxury, toys, money, compliments, Yawn, sigh, roll eyes! I was built up into the ideology of the perfect ceramic cup and I hated it. I hated that box, I hated that expectation, I hated that demand. I hated being praised and constantly complimented how lovely I was.

I just hated being like that spinning ballerina in the jewelry box with the pink fishnet tutu and that annoying, repetitive music because that ballerina, she is a trapped doll and a trapped doll is all she will ever be and I was not going to be that trapped doll, although I became so, accidentally. So I rebelled against the artisans. I wanted to destroy everything that they had created in me because destroying their creation meant my freedom - only I didn't count on the authoritarian. I may have bewildered the artisans and gotten them to leave me alone in my insignificant little corner on the cosmic shelf, but I could never bewilder the authoritarian because nothing bewilders, surprises or scares the authoritarian. Not even my rebellion and that is what annoys me most!

As the pillar stood strong for many a year, intimidating the artisans with its command and force, I danced like a freak and intimidated the artisans with my rebellion, but no one, nope, no one could ever intimidate the authoritarian. “Red ruby wine!” said the authoritarian, and then poured it into me and mixed it with water. I remember it perfectly. Three parts water to one part wine and the authoritarian told me that life is in my blood. The water is blue and the wine is red and when the two combine, it is violet, like purple rain. The authoritarian knows it all and it's probably why I can't stand authority.

The pillar fell. It crashed and crumbled all over the checkered floor. Its marble pieces spraying across the smooth tiles like flooding purple rain. All I could do was watch - amazed. The pillar, for all its robust physical strength and power, understood its time of glory had passed and easily submitted to the patched up work of the artisans. I expected the pillar to put up a fight. To be challenging as it had always been. To be problematic and demanding and forceful and confrontational, I was expecting drama and extremity, but no, the pillar simply submitted, fully understanding its misfortune and its weakness.

So I just watched, surprised yet humbled, from my corner on the cosmic shelf. The pillar, the symbol of strength, understood its place and I still don't understand mine. I could never do that. With all my wounds and scratches and scars, I still have pride. Not a narcissistic pride or vain pride or arrogant pride, but a pride in belief and that I can do whatever I believe and I will do whatever I believe once these wounds and scars and scratches are mended again by the artisans.

I don't know if they ever will be, but I hope they will be and my hope is pride filled because I believe, I truly believe, with absolutely no evidence and no fact, that I will be mended one day and this is pride. My extreme independent spirit is pride and this is what the authoritarian has been trying to change in me with minimal success yet. The pillar, it accepts its fate, it whimpers and whines and complains and mourns, but it accepts its gruesome fate whereas I can not and will not and so I battle the authoritarian because the authoritarian holds my poker cards while drinking bleeding wine and water out of me which is like purple rain and I believe that it is time I was recompensed for always being dealt a bad hand by the authoritarian.

Do you see that? I said ‘I believe’ and thus it must be so. Yawn, sigh, rolls eyes! I think this is possibly why the authoritarian is still on my case. Pride can not stir the authoritarian, demands can not stir the authoritarian, prayers can not stir the authoritarian, nothing can, so it is wise and humbling to accept the hand dealt as the pillar has, yet I can not and will not because ‘I believe’.

The pillar fell, It crashed and crumbled all over the checkered floor. Once the idol of many who would worship its strength and heroic aptitude, myself included, it accepted its misfortune, submitted and allowed and depended on the artisans to try to mend it. I, in my insignificant corner on the cosmic shelf, with wounds and scars and scratches and pride and hope and belief and childish naivete, I am still battling the authoritarian.

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hezuart · 3 years

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That anaversary aizen looks absolutely fabulous, he looks like a figure skater xd.

I heard along time ago the last arc of the anime was being animated finally bc they pulled a 90s sailor moon were the last season was not either animated or dubbed untill decades later.

I recall near the end of the current 366 episodes there was an episode were the creapy demon ppl woke up in hell and we're all bitter, and there was the other guy who was like, iM cOmEiNg FoR u IChIgO, but then is never mentioned again after and I'm like,why? Why is lt there just plopted randomly into a different arc that seams unrelated.

And locking aizen up underground seems ok, but It deff won't hold, and he will. Escape, and he will kill, you either need that one spell from star, dubbed, the darkest spell of moon the undaunted, a powerfull dark spell that killed immortal beings, that came from best character, eclipsa, the queen of darkness.

We need that.

Or stick him I'm crystal like eclipsa was in star. Is there no one who could trap him in ice or crystal for all eternity.

How about throw him into the centre of a volcano trapped and caged , forverr being killed by heat?

I assume there's space travel, send I'm into a black whole, were a black whole don't fuckin care if your immortal or fat, you will die

Yes, I love anniversary Aizen. His original octopus-butterfly hollow design was ugly so I'm glad he's back to being the fashion icon he is.

Locking Aizen up underground once is one thing, doing it twice after saying he got more powerful by just sitting there, and he escaped to battle the Quincy Soul King God... is another. I think he should have escaped at the end of the Quincy arc. That is the only feasibility.

I heard the anime is coming back for the Quincy arc as well, but because of COVID its probably going to be delayed. (I'm not gonna watch it until the Rain section of the arc then I'm dipping out. I'm only here for Zangetsu)

and funny that you mention that hell scene in the manga :)

-> spoilers for the new BLEACH 73 page anniversary chapter / thoughts/critique on it

So hey you had a premonition! Syazel .... returned? And his hole is outside of his body??? for some reason???

(I didn't understand the explanation or why / how that happens and what that means for the hollow)

And my friend and I were laughing because out of ALL the things. Kubo could do in this anniversary. He gave Syazel his dick back after going to hell. That is iconic. (that's where his hole was located, and now that its not on his body ... well...) This is the funniest thing Kubo has EVER pulled. Kudos to you, sir.

The entire internet is freaking out over Ukitake being in hell. Honestly Kubo has done far worse, and we've established that Soul Society is a corrupt system that hasn't changed, so I'm not surprised he would pull something like this.

At the same time, Kubo 1. cheated his audience. 2. continues to prove me right that he cannot bring himself to kill his characters

1. Hollows who have commit murder in their human life are sent to hell. Syazel and Aaorniero are two of these hollows, and yet, when they are killed, there is NO gates of hell scene. We see them there later in the hell chapter (which was more of a promotion for the fourth movie and I didn't believe it would hold any merit)

But the same goes for Ukitake. We never see the gates of hell take him. What, was hell late? Did hell's gates get lost like an uber before picking him up? It's bull. Withholding such vital information from your audience, not showing the gates of hell when they should pick up this soul IMMEDIATELY is ... I mean its a lie. Kubo lied to his audience.

2. Now we are told powerful shinigami are sent to hell when they die. First of all that sounds like a security threat. Wouldn't shinigami want revenge for that? Or attempt to escape? Why would they still hold loyalty after being sent to a prison of eternal suffering?

Also "Yhwach and Aizen" were the only ones keeping Hell's gates closed is way too convenient and doesn't really make any sense. I feel like Aizen should have deliberately gone to hell to retrieve powerful shinigami / hollows for his army instead of keeping it /closed/.

This is definitely a Kubo-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing-and-is -making- stuff-up-as-he-goes, but it might have a pinch of merit because of previous plot lines.... but either way, there's some big plot holes here, but again, its Kubo, so I expected nothing less.

Again, he can't kill off his characters. He introduced zombification, he introduced immortality through the hougyoku, he has Orihime and Hachigen's reversal / rejection abilities. He brought back Luppi, friggen.... a character who's entire upper half of his body was incinerated. Like.... come on. No. He's dead, you can't bring him back like that. That's a cop out and just weird. You're taking away consequences and grief.

(Also Yamamoto and Unohana deserve to be in hell far over Ukitake, they've done some fcked up stuff in their pasts unlike him)

Also Kubo's favorite character is Mayuri, which.... you're allowed to have a favorite problematic character. But Keeping said character alive and bared from the consequences of abusing his daughter, murdering innocents, and experimenting on your own squad members? Nah. Nope. Kill him, Kubo. Kill this dude.

(his weird attachment to Mayuri is probably why he keeps bringing Syazel back, since Syazel is Mayuri 2.0, but Syazel is the bad guy who does face consequences for his actions while Mayuri is not)

Also, I'm certain Kazui and Orihime are going to be THRILLED that their precious husband/dad is going to hell when he dies :)

(I just... Rukia teased Ichigo about leaving Orihime at home. She teased him about having a house wife who he leaves all the chores to. Orihime had two panels. She checks on her son who promised he would be at home and sleep. Kazui fcking breaks his promise like it never mattered to him and JUMPS out the window after pretending to sleep in front of his mother. ... An 8 year old... alone... in the middle of the night.)

Orihime is abandoned. She is not invited to SS, she is not informed of what is going on, her son leaves her.... I...

Orihime is a side character. She doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't mattered for a long, long time.

A part of me is glad she had little screen time, since she tends to waste it, but another part of me is embroiled with rage.

I've even see people try to defend this. "Orihime and Ichigo can't be together ALL the time, that's an unhealthy relationship!" and I'm like guys... that's not the point. The point is Orihime is not part of Ichigo's other life. Any shinigami stuff from now on is none of her business. She's going to stay at home while Kazui and Ichigo go off and save the world. Ichigo is going to be fighting by Rukia and Renji while Orihime watches from the sidelines, or worse, doesn't even know what is going on with her husband and son. Orihime is going to be uninformed and abandoned, because she has not proven she is capable of fighting by their sides(go on, @ me. I will fight this. She's a failure.), and also because she prefers a human life over a dead one. Which is ironic, because she married a dead man. Ichigo is a shinigami, and he will be one forever. god forbid she ever meets his Zanpaktou. She would tremble in fear at the monsters her husband harbors in his soul, especially when she realizes they don't care about her and would rather see her dead. (Zangetsu would absolutely kill Orihime. Not sure about Kazui, but Orihime has not accepted Zangetsu, she does not like either of them, and the feeling is assuredly mutual.) frick now I want to make a comic about this

Also still frustrated over Zangetsu's shikai / bankai regression. Kubo once again lied to his audience. Ichigo has no bankai. How ridiculous is that? The main character of BLEACH doesn't have a bankai. Insulting.

(RIP to Chad. He doesn't exist anymore. He's just gone. No mention, no cameo. Gone.)

Kazui is a demon child. That character from the novels? Hikone? They're the same character. Literally same personality, same power level. Its worse because Kazui is a liar. He constantly goes behind his parents' backs. He can summon creepy fish and creepy eyeballs and open portals like is ANYONE aware of this? How has SS not kidnapped Ichigo's son and experimented on him / locked away his powers yet? All substitute shinigami require a reiatsu controlling / spy badge to keep them in line. Where is Kazui's? Or is he just a weird fullbringer?

I was worried Kubo was gonna try and pull a knock off Boruto but luckily he kept the focus on Ichigo and the others. But that being said, Ichika and Kazui are now just... sort of there? Kazui was kinda just.... having his own adventure that doesn't matter to the plot at hand, and Ichika had some nice characterization at first but she just hid behind her dad the whole time.

I have a feeling Kazui is gonna step in at the last minute or do some major behind the scenes thing that indirectly interferes with the main plot so no one will realize how powerful and dangerous he actually is. Its sad because Ichika is the superior character in personality and likability, but she clearly is not going to have a bigger part in this.

Ichigo having a normal life after everything still feels extremely boring and uncomfortable to me. Everyone's like 'I'm still bLEACH!" but.... BLEACH just... doesn't feel like BLEACH anymore. It hasn't for a while now.

~~~

There's two new shinigami characters. Didn't care for the girl, but the Sign Language kid who talks to animals is adorable ... however... he just reminds me of Chad, and I just... it hurts knowing Chad has essentially been deleted. Chad and Orihime are officially benched. They have chosen the human world, and Orihime has given Ichigo his spawn so she has no more use/purpose to him anymore... ////sigh

~~~

Also. This is claimed to be a new "arc". So is the BLEACH manga coming back? What is happening. I thought Kubo was tired and didn't want to do BLEACH anymore. I thought Shounen Jump cut him off. People made so many excuses for Kubo and why the past two arcs have been so badly written the past 6 years and now almost everything they've attempted to defend him with has been revoked.

BLEACH is going to continue to screw up its plot lines and characters, so Its probably best for it to stay dead but I've seen a lot of Kubo stans drooling over this content, they're desperate for BLEACH's return, but its already given out all its possible revelations. There's really nothing else to top here. It's just going to make things up as it goes along ,and I'm not really here for half-assed writing like that, especially since the damage of rushing the previous manga has already been done. Kubo and Shounen Jump are riding off a money nostalgia. None of this was planned.

Honestly though.... overall feeling of this chapter, not as bad as it could have been.

Syazel stole the spotlight, and he's my friend's favorite character, so that's all that really matters.

#bleach #bleach spoilers #spoilers #text post #anti bleach 686 #anti ichihime #ask #tite kubo #technically anti renruki too but #ichihime destroys the plot more than renruki #renruki feels like an after thought #they're only together for kazui and ichika's existence #but if these two are lacking in use if BLEACH were to continue then why have them at all #even tho ive tagged this as anti ichihime #interestingly enough there is no ichihime interaction or really mention at all in this chapter

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oh-for-fic-sake · 4 years

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Quarantine kink conversations

Henry Catches you watching porn and quickly discovers you both share many kinks.

Masterlist

Warnings: Adult situations +18 ,Smut, Daddy kink, Bondage, Overstimulation

A/n So I haven't been posting much as I've been struggling sorting things out over this stupid virus but I'm back but will post a little slower then I have been, even if Im not posting I'm writing. And as a side note Diamond Blackfan Aneamia is not made up, its a very rare form of Aplatsic Anaemia that basically means your bone marrow does not make enough haemoglobin (red blood cells) in some cases none at all its a horrible condition that I was born with and the reason that I am now confined to my house for a minimum of twelve weeks as the treatment destroys your immune system. Hence why I have been away trying to sort out food and medications ect which has been hell!! Any way enough of that I hope you enjoy xx

Taglist: @thatgirly81 @two-unbeatable-beaters

"Oh darling...look at all of that hm? Its dripping on the covers, such a messy girl" he said shaking his head a little tutting you watched embarrassed as he let it drop to the bed your arousal forming a small wet puddle beneath it. He crawled up the bed stretching out beside you and snatched your tablet from you.

This was hell..you decided..absolute hell you were stuck indoors on lock-down, now usually you didn't mind being stuck home with Henry ,honestly you preferd it but you normally found yourself tangled between the sheets or watching tv. Then again normally when Henry was home it was a break from filming and he had nothing to do but this time Henry had been down in the gym everyday keeping up his work out routine making use of his new glute drive or as you had dubbed it 'teasing thrust machine'. You could understand in some ways he wanted to make sure that he was still in shape for season two of the witcher when ever that was going to start.

But you were bored Henry had chuckled saying he would play with you after his work out....which you knew would last most of the day, you had been watching him earlier but got kicked out for 'pOuTiNg LiKe A SpOiLt BrAt'..you had bristled at him when he called you that..you wasn't a brat..you were a good girl, most of the time. Ok so you'll admit you had been sulking a little jealous of the equipment I mean the only thing that man should be thrusting was you and he had brushed you off then the little shit started teasing you with unnecessary grunts groans and a wink as he worked out.Bastard. You huffed kicking at the mattress below you growling and pouting in a small tantrum 'twelve weeks, twelve fucking weeks of staying inside what the fuck are you supposed to do for twelve weeks? that's like quarter of the year!' you was one of the 1.5 million who had to stay indoors for twelve weeks due to your diamond blackfan anaemia which is basically anaemia caused by bone marrow failure as a result you was on a corticosteroid that surpressed your immune system...Yay you just hoped that your blood count doesn't drop to far it'd just be your luck to need a transfusion and catch this fucking thing in hospital.

Tv was a no go every channel reminding you of the virus with the latest bullshit statistics and politicians giving the same ' we followed expert advice' reply to every question disregarding state that the nhs has found itself in. But this was driving you crazy just the idea of being stuck here for three months didn't sit well with you. You sighed rolling over on your back on the bed spread eagle in one of Henry's tshirts tho tight on him you drowned in it. You could hardly believe how bored you was there was so much you could do in this house yet you just stayed there staring at the ceiling.

You huffed again looking around the room your eyes locked on your little red bag stuffed haphazardly between the bed and side table, you smiled slyly you knew he wouldn't be pleased but he was preoccupied and wouldn't even know, its not like he was going to be finished anytime soon and you could always have a shower afterwards. Slowly you crept up the bed towards your naughty little bag of goodies. You had made full use of the valentines day sales in February and bought some new toys online intending on using them whilst Henry was away filming, however there was still a few you hadn't yet tried.

You pulled the 'makeup' bag from beside the bed dumping it on the pillow on your side of the bed and got up closing the door grabbing your tablet from the dresser. If you was going to do it might as well do it properly already knowing what you was going to watch opening an incognito tab going straight to your favorite video which wasn't actually a video, it was an 'erotic audio for women' you didn't really want to see some women ooing and ahing rolling their eyes to the back of their head like some fucking exorcism video as they got plowed by some stick figure 'stud'. You settled on the bed near the head board unzipping your little treat bag pulling out your new fully charged mini vibrator with tiny flicking rabbit ears sprouting from it .

Quickly getting to work you dragged it softly between your folds laying back with your knees up spread, letting yourself get lost in your fantasy one that you hadn't dared let Henry know, it was too early in your relationship to be going into kinks yet especially yours , you was still coming to terms with them yourself let alone letting him know ,hell he would probably run for the hills. No instead you let your mind wander images of Henry teasing you,praising you how he'd call you a good girl before caging you underneath his huge form asking if you was going to be still for daddy. Fuck. You twitched hips jerking lightly you bit your lip and lowered a hand to your lips pulling them apart running the toy to your opening teasing yourself into wetting the toy with your arousal then bringing it back towards your clit as the deep voice on the audio spoke low commands ordering his babygirl what to do.

You shivered as you fell into a slow rhythm of circles on your clit before flicking on the vibrator gasping loud as the ears came to life trapping your swollen clit between them. Oh yes this was money well spent you summarized when you unconsciously curled your toes digging your feet into the bed below trying to keep yourself still determined not to pull the toy away from your throbbing clit as your pussy came to life ,muscles rippling and clenching begging to be filled,you gyrated moaning out as your legs tensed turning up the vibrator you bucked as the voice on the audio praised you growling out just what they were going to forced your body into. You threw your head back as you slowly inserted the small length into you a tiny stretch nothing like Henry but still pleasurable with the tip angled slightly towards your gspot lightly grazing it , you cried out as you rocked the toy side to side within you rubbing it harshly across your gspot forcing shock waves of pleasure through you as your tummy tightened.

So lost in your own fantasies you fail to notice the door open quietly. You moaned loud finding that perfect rhythm obeying the audios instructions. Flicking it up a notch determined to force yourself to cum you let out a sharp squeal as the new intensity almost burned your clit, the little pain sent you over the edge your whole body shuddered as your back almost cramped as it arched your hips wriggling into the small powerful device ,you bit your lip trying to be quiet as your hand let go of the toy hovering uselessly between your legs as you jerked against it still having waves of your climax wash over you as the toy abused your almost raw clit.

Not able to take anymore you swore as your fingers searched blindly for the toy wanting to turn it off before you got to tender. You screamed snapping open your eyes as you grabbed a hot wrist instead. Mortified you stared at Henry making to move away Your squeak of surprise became a high keen as the vibrator shifted when you tried jerking away throwing your head back as another onslaught of pleasure overcame you, some how your humiliation of being caught made it more intense as you release over the still vibrating toy swearing loud. You couldn't believe he had caught you,he was hovering over your form one hand moved grasping the toy between your still quivering thighs twisting it slowly forcing you to buck you clit twitching as the flicking ears moved slightly. His eyes were dark and he had a wicked grin.

"I thought I'd told you to wait? I wasn't going to be long" his deep voice brought you out of your shock. You quickly made a move for the vibrator wanting to pull it out and hide under the covers.You mewled as he batted your hand away holding down the button stopping the assault on your clit, having sex with him was one thing but this was the first time he'd caught you masturbating and you was extremely embarrassed thankful that the short video had finished, thank god for small mercies. Your eyes widened and you quickly flipped the tablet cover shut putting it to sleep desperate to hide your kink. You flushed as he raised an eyebrow at you still amused then without warning he pulled out your new vibrator making a fuss over the now soaked rubber.

"Oh my god Henry no!" you slapped your hand on it trying to tug it back panicked desperate to hide the video from him not ready to explain to him, he chuckled prying your fingers off and easily wrestled your arms into one hand holding them away from himself pinning you with his body weight ready to snoop at your open tab.

"You know I have always wondered what little kinks you have babe" he said flipping it open, you struggled against him

"Henry love please don't!" but it was to lat he had already begun to scroll threw the page clicking back a page looking at exactly what you had searched tucked your head into your chest feeling even worse then you did before. He was quiet for a moment ,you held your breath waiting for him to make fun of you but he didn't instead he closed the tablet again sliding it across the bed and tugged you beneath him growling.

"Fuck I should have known, shit babe you might just be the perfect woman for me" he grunted pushing his bulge against your still sensitive clit ignoring the damp patch you made on his bottoms you yelped jumping away only to be dragged back down onto him he found your neck quickly suckling at it kissing and biting.

"So tell me what other little secrets does my baby girl have?" You shivered relishing in being called his baby girl he groaned rocking into you.

"Hm? You know if you don't tell daddy what you want he cant provide it,come on baby girl tell me, I want to know everything" he grunted you moaned out as he tugged his tshirt off of you leaving you bare below him.

"P-pleease please I want you" you made to wriggle your hands out of his grasp but he just pulled them to his mouth laying a delicate kiss on your palm. Whimpering you pouted at his devilish smile.

"Ah ah you should ask daddy nicely" you flushed gasping at him "I-I but you and I'm not sure-are you sure Henry I don't want to force anything if your not comfortable-" he smirked at you enjoying just how cute you was stuttering over your words, it was so unlike you normally you were blunt and to the point, his grin widened and he leant in close running his nose along the new bite mark adorning your neck before whispering hotly into your ear

"Now now baby girl this is perfect i always fantasized about you being daddies little girl, letting me take care of you..why don't you tell daddy what you want ask nicely and I might just reward you" you trembled feeling your inner walls clamp tight you let out a breathy moan still uncertain of yourself he encouraged you again

"come on baby, if you don't ask you wont get tell me.. tell daddy what you want"

"I-I want t-to play daddy please? Please play with me I'v been a good girl" he chuckled sucking your earlobe into his mouth running his teeth across it then pulled back looking you in the eye

"Good? Oh baby I dont think so" you whined at him pouting tugging on your hands grinding your his on his bulge making him hiss he just squinted stareing down at you as you argued in a high whining voice

"Yes I haaaave I left you alone when you told me tooo don't be mean" he tutted tilting his head looking at you from the top of his eyes unconvinced

"And why did daddy have to make you leave the gym hm?" You stuck out your bottom lip pouting kicking your little feet at the bed he smiled at that knowing full well you was giving into one of your fantasies, unknowingly giving him one of his he felt excitement bubble in his chest knowing that he was going to enjoy himself, brat taming it seems was something you both had in common. He struck your hip lightly making you gasp and squirm beneath him

"Don’t be such a brat" he growled out at you, his stern voice made you pause a little before you grunted at him facing away from him nose in the air.

"Im not a brat" He chuckled sitting up using his thick thighs to keep your legs spread for him releasing your hands crossing his arms at you unconvinced.

"Oh really? So you wasn't pouting down stairs? And I didn't just find you up here trying to fuck yourself silly out of spite? because daddy told you to wait? And you didn't just kick your legs at me? Hm? if you were standing I'd bet you would have stomped a tiny foot Oh no baby girl you are definitely being a little brat" you blinked at him innocently he just tilted his head at you. The reached over you grasping your small bag you gasped he wouldn't...he fucking would"No henRY- ouch!" He fixed you with a small spank to your inner thigh holding your embarrassing private bag up in one hand.

"Oh no little girl you dont say no to me.... now lets see what we have hear.... oh my I knew you had some toys stashed somewhere but baby theres quite a bit in here isn't there" he shook the bag slightly making the contents rattle a little you flushed panicking a little not wanting him to judge you, but so far he had seemed to be on board. He unzipped the bag going still at what laid inside, you cringed covering your face with your hands hiding feeling him stare at the top of your head you refused to look at him, in doing so you missed the grin that had formed as he noted what was inside.

Slowly one by one he began removing things his grin getting wider with each toy as he place them on the bed beside you, You snuck peaks at him as he pulled them out. First was a set of four pink leather cuffs with frills on each a big lobster claw on each to connect them as you see fit at the moment they was connected in a pair designed to cuff your wrists to your ankles holding your knees bent and spread they looked secure, you doubted they would actually hold you properly then was your wand vibrator a pastel blue this was followed by two more vibrators one just some rabbit ears on their own the other a red dildo that was a little larger than the one Henry had caught you with he held it up to you looking sympathetic

"Henry what are-" he gave you a heated look making you clench and whimper shrinking into your shoulders a bit.

"oh baby no wonder your so desperate when i come home...this is the biggest you have? my poor baby don't worry daddy will think of something to help you when he is away" you blushed as he spoke he gave you a smug smile then continued routing threw the bag, an o ring gag and ball gag then what you had really dreaded him seeing your new paci-gag the pink leather was decorated with small jewles here and there, it was something you'd always wanted to try and in the sale you'd thought what the hell and got one. he held the paci-gag in his hand blinking at you

"now this is very cute, but I’m not sure if we should play with this today, maybe you can ware it tomorrow for me in the gym when I’m working out" you closed your eyes groaning but at the same time you shivered in anticipation the thought of him gagging you and forcing you to sit and watch him work out was both cruel and delicious. He placed it back and unbuckled the cuffs with deft fingers stroking the soft padded insides making sure they would be soft enough running his thumb across it. Your eyes snapped open flinching as you felt him slip one around your ankle buckling it tight before slipping the top of his pinky underneath it

"Ah ah don't start young lady, its daddys turn to play and he want's to play with your new toys now stay still" you squirmed a little still uncomfortable but you let him carry on until your arms were pulled down your sides attached to your ankles knees bent high and pulled apart you quivered thrilled and frightened all in one, he sat back again admiring his work also wanting you to get used to it.....He could defiantly get used to you like this his mind already creating a shopping list... tho he wasn't sure if a sex shop was considered as essential but fuck if he wasn't going to check online to see if anything could be delivered,he was ecstatic that you was a secret baby girl and couldn't wait to treat you like one, he smiled as you tested your new bonds uncertain eyes darting back to him every so often finally you pouted a little huffing.. you didn't look impressed and he regarded you carefully

"I can't get out of 'em" he through his head back laughing loud so that was the problem? you thought you'd wriggle free and it turns out you really was at his mercy, it was clear that you thought you would be topping from the bottom Henry on the other hand had other ideas

"I think that's the point baby girl" he said running a large hands along your thighs pressing them apart slightly his heated skin warmed you casting goosebumps on your flesh you wriggled again

"I thought I could get out...but I really don't think I can" he leant over between your spread thighs meeting your lips sucking them lightly before kissing you encouraging you to open your mouth for him you did letting him in, his tongue licked at yours coaxing it out to play twisting and tasting passionately tilting his head kissing you rougher and deeper making you moan melting into him then he pulled back you tried to follow lifting your hands to catch him, to bring him back you whined trying to fight the cuffs wanting to touch him. He chuckled at that placing a hand on each thigh massaging the insides slowly kneading the muscles with his fingers.

"I think they will work perfectly don't you? I didn't do them to tight did I?" You shook your head before trying to twist your hand free again growling now realizing the down side to the small restraints you wanted to touch him, kiss lick and bite at him... especially bite in that moment when he was sitting back watching you in a smug amusement. You felt giddy with excitement just laying here spread open knowing that there really was nothing you could do to stop him made your tummy flutter feeling your clit throb erratically at the mere thought of being at his mercy. You relaxed a little you couldn't help wriggling now and then trying to free your wrists on impulse he shook his head at you.

"Oh honey your not getting out of those until I say but before we move on your word is going to be cherries you know what that means?" You blinked at him and nodded slowly he looked at you waiting for you to agree verbally

"S-safe word?" He nodded eyes lighting up knowing now that you knew more about this then you was letting on, he turned his gaze back to your half empty bag

"Now lets see what else should we play with today? I don't think we will use gags today...will make use of them tomorrow I think" He said moving the remaining items in your bag about he smiled then you watched as his hand pulled out a slim jeweled butt plug still in its packaging he quickly rid it of the bag twisting it to the light letting the gem catch the light making it flicker onto the ceiling

"Oh look princess isn't this pretty? Don’t you think it would look cute in your little bottom? I know I do and you haven't used it yet" he stated happily you squirmed pulling at your cuffs again feeling nervous

"Have you ever used one before baby girl?" he asked noting your unsure expression you shook your head a little . you had never used one before you tried to convince yourself you got it on a whim but you was actually curious he brought the slim purple plug to your pussy coating it in your arousal you flinched as he directed it down to your pucker

"D-daddy?" unconsciously trying to wiggle away making him hold you still with one hand on your tummy

"Don't worry baby I'll take care of you I promise now take a deep breath baby its ok that's it good girl, your being so good for me, my special little princess" you did as you was told on auto pilot warmth bubbled in your chest at his praise. Taking a deep breath in when he bent over your vulnerable form again this time kissing your cheek one hand between your legs tweaking your clit then rubbing your opening tracing circles with your wetness the other holding the plug firm against you he rested his head next to yours whispering

"Now out and push with your bottom good girl, so good for daddy hm?" you tried breathing slow pushing with your bottom but you hissed out your breath sharply when he pressed the plug into you stretching,you whined a little as it stung when the largest part pushed past the ring of tight muscle you tried to push it back out yelping as he pushed past finally then you felt a small popping feeling as your ass hugged the plug tightly holding it securly in your bottom

"Ah! Fuck...Oohh shit that's weird" you panted feeling full as the plug pressed against your insides in a strange pressure he kissed you again tapping the jewel on the small plug

"Such a good girl look at how pretty you are! you took that much better than I thought especially for your first time,I must warn you that I will be getting a set of these for you some will be for play like now and others will be for a naughty little girl who needs to remember to mind her daddy" you twitched moaning imagining being punished with a larger plug when he was unhappy with you

"Oh you like the idea of that I see? the idea of me putting you in the corner with a well spanked plugged bottom? even better if the pug is keeping it full of daddies cum?" gasped at the thought twitching you had no idea just where all this dirty talk was coming from but it was driving you crazy you rocked a little feeling your throbbing walls contracting left disappointed when you was left empty you winced trying not to move so much as your ass felt... strange, tight you wasn't sure clenching and unclenching you moaned tilting your hips down almost trying to escape the uncomfortable yet fulfilling stretch. You whined withering still tugging your wrists. He moved closer fingers grazing your pussy lightly tapping and flicking at your clit toying with the red sensitive bud, you arched as high as you could trying to rock into him gasping feeling the plug touch something deep with in you

"Ah! ohnonono! I don't-daddy? Whats going-ugh!" You squeezed your eyes shut at the feeling your pussy weep onto him he pinched your clit at the base before rolling it around in his fingers tightly, you cried out feeling the warmth of his skin tugging and twisting at you panting shallow breaths

"Ah oh GOD da-daddy please I'm sorry I FUCK! I didn't mean to be a brat Ple-please!"you begged squirming around as much as you could. Feeling your body shiver as your pussy wept onto the bed below wetting your ass as it ran down in a steady stream he continued toying with you building you up towards a slow but incredible climax, being so vulnerable was giving you a brand new high feeling yourself get hotter as liquid heat raced through you rocking lightly against his fingers chasing your orgasm wanting him to hurry up... you wasn’t one for edging you wanted to get this show on the road, wanting to feel him brutalize your insides with his cock whilst calling you his good girl, wanting him to choke you whilst praising you for be so sweet for him. Your thoughts were cut off as he began growling into your ear as he pushed you closer and closer to the edge

"I know.... I know baby.... you just cant help it can you? So needy and wet for me... but you should have waited for me shouldn't you? You should have waited for daddy but no you wanted to be a brat, you wanted me to find you up here with your toys Didn't you? Well what ever my princess wants she gets you want to cum?...I can tell by your little whimpers..don't worry baby daddy will make you cum heh..I'm going to make you cum until you cry and even then I might not stop, no I might just carry on and fuck you until I think you've got exactly what you deserve for being a horny little brat, fuck you until your little pink pussy is red ,sore, swollen and messy with daddies cum" You whimpered as he growled out his words and placed one thick finger at your entrance before plunging it in rubbing around your walls you yelped as he pushed down massaging the thin wall separating him from the plug wedged in your ass you bucked crying out loud widening your thighs as his large digit ran across the bulge of rubber, you cried rearing up shaking as you came over him panting trying to kick your bound legs he chuckled still knuckle deep

"Oh baby that was quick.... you know good girls say thank you we shouldn't forget our manners now should we?" you groaned feebly

"Th-thank you daddy....Thank you oh god no no more please" he tutted shaking his head a little and pulled back starting a slow rhythm finger fucking you curling down to run the tip of his finger around the plug. He slid to the side slightly trapping on of your knees between his thrusting vigorously into you using his strength to rock your body along the bed adding a second finger as he went. You grunted and yelped at him as he began moving faster scissoring the fingers stretching your still shaking muscles as he went deeper trying to massage every spot he could find. You froze tensing as he lifted his thumb rolling it around your clit in harsh strokes, your breath caught in your throat clenching and squeezing his fingers you moaned throwing your head back mouth open letting out loud lewd noises the sound of his fingers dragging in and out of you with wet slapping sounds.

"Oh god that's it baby, yes good girl are you gonna cum? Huh? you want to cum for daddy? Don’t you? Fuck that's it good girl are you ready princess daddy wants you to cum all over his fingers again baby can you do that for daddy?" You body trembled and you shook violently as you felt yourself try to grind down on him reaching your third orgasm of the night quicker than the ones before, a slight twist of his wrist was all it took hitting that soft spot inside of you making you cum screaming arching and withering below him you tried closing your leg on impulse it was too much! but the cuffs held strong making you wail as you was still held open for him unable to avoid him, he didn't let up pressing his fingers harder against your spot forcing your pussy to spasm again flooding over his fingers once more so intense it was almost painful you tightened around his fingers forcing them still enduring the longest orgasm of your life, you could barely breath through your moaning and panting.

"No nononono! I cant please I need a break PLEASE PLEASE!" He pulled his hand back showing some mercy and watched you go lax humming as your body trembled in the aftermath, dazed looking through half lidded eyes at him. You was greeted with a cheeky smile

"Oh princess that was so cute...but you did forget to say thank you I suppose I could let you off for the way you were whimpering and trying to rock onto my fingers so sweetly, heh you didn't know of you wanted more or wanted me to stop did you? tho that only makes three tonight and your not crying yet" He teased licking his lips taking in just how flushed and sated you looked. It wasn't enough. You just laid there panting trying to calm down completely exhausted, and you hadn't even had sex yet he was still just playing enjoying himself.

"I-I need a nap, or a break something fuck" he grinned showing off his prefect teeth reaching slowly for your wand

"Oh baby girl no what did I say?" You lifted your head not trusting his sly voice, your eyes widened and you wriggled desperately to get away shaking your head as he brought the wand towards your tender clit your insides still contracting from the powerful climax's he had pulled form you

"No nono daddy not yet please Im not ready-I cant daddy noOOAH!" you tried to plead with him but to no avail squealing when he flicked on the wand powerful vibrations tickled your engorged clit and labia making you tense fighting your bonds having the opposite effect as the tugging on your wrists just widened your leg revealing more of your sore clit to the offending rubber

"Ohh yes baby girl I told you your going to cum until you cry and I meant it" he growled as you screamed out, still far to sensitive to handle the torturous wand yelping when he laughed flicking it higher. Unable to hold back as another climax tore through you this time was different you felt a strong gush of wetness leave you for a second you though you'd pissed yourself but no you had infact just squirted for the first time in your life you looked at him gobsmacked weeping as one last stream of cum gushed from you making you wail twitching and rocking against the wand shaking your head vigorously embarrassed by what had happened wanting him to stop but at the same time wanting more. He pulled it away leaving you to heave deep breaths weeping quietly

"Fucking hell baby I didn't know you could do that.....again I want to see it again" he grunted looking like a man possessed caging you below him as he reattached the wand to your pussy this time rolling it in tight small circles pupils blown wide as he watched you intent on getting you to squirt a second time you withered arching and tensing your stomach clenched tight and you jolted as he flicked up another setting

"No no I cant FUCK!" You cried low and loud

"That’s it baby one more, just one more and then I will fuck you, doesn't that sound nice? I will fuck you nice and deep and full" you moaned grunting out protests biting your lip trying to keep quiet, he wasn't having that quickly moving his hand to your opening rubbing it lightly forcing you to clench you cried fat tears rolling down your face you blinked sniffling trying to arch away from him crying out in a hoarse

"Open your eyes little one...look at me that's it oh such a good girl you want it? You want to cum again for daddy?of course you do now cum!" You looked at him watching threw blurry eyes as he praised you, screeching and thrashing around as he forced that rubber band to snap again as you released again one long stream of hot cum washing over the evil toy. You panted gasping aching a tired he put the wand back in your bag. He returned between your legs tugging on your plug lightly then eased it from you, hissing sharply as it stung as it breached your pucker again he placed that back in your bag opting to wipe them down later. You whimpered tears still streaming down your face as he slowly unbuckled your wrists and ankles pulling your legs to lie flat against the bed rubbing away the ache you sighed as his hot hands massaged the ache away watching as he pulled his clothes off slowly winking at you teasing as he revealed himself to you slowly stripping down to nothing before kneeling on the bed kissing his way up from your ankle swapping legs lathering them with soothing licks and sweet kisses.

"God I love you woman, your just to perfect, I'm so proud of you love" he muttered running his hands in soothing circles on your tummy moving them down to your knees pulling you down the bed you cringed as your embarrassingly huge wet patch was now at your back. You blushed as he kissed you again slow and hot this time wrapping your arms around his neck deepening it he grunted hoisting your heat to his erection, skimming it across your slit teasingly before settling it at your opening you pulled back quivering "Fuck your so hot baby girl" you moaned at him tilting your hips trying to engulf him smiling sweetly at his gasp. Without wasting anymore time he pushed forward embedding himself fully you gasped swearing as he grit his teeth no matter how many times he fucked you open he was always amazed at how tight you was. You hissed enjoying the slight pain that always came with him.

"Sh-shit Henry fuck, that's so good hah fuck" he placed his forehead against yours closing his eyes tight locking his jaw loosing himself ,this has got to be what heaven felt like nothing could compare to your hot walls coiling tightly around him he pulled back before plowing back into you his cock rubbing across your insides teasing every nerve inside of you caressing your depths unlike any toy ever could you moaned trying to rock with him groaning in frustration when you couldn't quite match his movements, he chuckled tilting his head kissing you again sweetly before raising himself on his arms above you

"Aw baby your just to tired aren't you? stay still let me do it" you nodded balling your hands into fists hugging him feeling his back muscles work as he started a fast deep pace hitting your cervix with every thrust of his hips you mewled widening your legs lifting them high on his hips opening your eyes looking down watching as his perfect abs contracted with each brutal pound of his hips, he foĺlowed your gaze smirking smugly feeling the way your body tensed below him.

"That’s it baby look at how well your taking me, how hungry that little pussy is swallowing me whole even when it hurts" he thrust harder holding still a few seconds against your cervix making you grunt uncomfortably before he resumed his pace holding below your knees pushing them beside your torso tilting you up the new angle meant he was dragging the tip of his cock along your most sensitive spot inside of you you kicked your legs out a little squealing high as he continued to batter your insides.

"Ah oh fuck ‘Im gonna cum again, shit Henry fuck I cant stop it" he grunted loud with each thrust growling low in his chest as your pussy tried to trap him inside with all its might trying to milk him for all his worth he lost him self hanging his head fucking you harder then ever before unable to hold back as he chased his own end

"Good I don’t want you to now cum one last time NOW!. AH AH FUCK OH SHIT YES" you cried out as his hips stuttered forcing you to release around him as he fucked his cum into you, painting your insides with his seed groaning loud trying to prolong your orgasms by thrusting against your twitching walls grinding on your sore clit then gasping for breath he chuckled low making you twitch around him. Collapsing on top of you leaving open mouthed kisses and soft bites on your neck.

"I love you so much...so so much" It wasn't long before he rolled off of you knowing he was to heavy for you swapping positions holding you on top of him feeling his cum leaking from you he smiled kissing your damp hair.

"So I think its safe to say that we both enjoyed that,I never thought you’d be a baby girl tho, but the signs were all there I should have known the way you keep yourself fully bare, your lama teddy on the bed, don't think I haven't caught you cuddling them and your collection of cute oneies, it all makes sens" you grunted softly going a little red

"Y-you don't think its weird do you?"

"I think its just about the sexiest thing I've ever fantasized about, now that I've fucked my very own baby girl I don't see my self stopping anytime soon. What else are you into, ever thought of pet play always wanted to try that." You lifted your head shocked

"Really? You don't think I’m a freak?" He laughed hugging you tight kissing your head

"No not at all in case you didn't notice I may have a slight daddy kink and size kink and spanking kink fuck I just about want to try everything with you, now like I was saying pet play? Yes or no?" You blushed pulling away from him opening your bed side draw his jaw dropped when you showed him your fluffy kitty ear hair clips and small choker with a bell on it. He smiled wide before pouncing on you pinning you beneath him kissing you

"Fuck my very own sex kitten, here all this time? You sneaky little girl what else have you been hiding?" You giggled at him shrugging

"Nothing that's it, I-I like other things to but haven't got anything for it. I thought you'd be put off so I couldn't risk you finding it and didn't want to talk about it I was embarrassed." He tilted his head at you

"There’s nothing to be embarrassed about love, you enjoy kinky sex so what your not the only one I do to, I enjoy dominating my partner pet play daddy kink, slave and master you name it anything like that, anything where Im in control, I love being bigger and stronger than you being able to just man handle you." you tilted your head a little

"Soo roleplay? like teacher student or boss and sectary....in the study or something.... and maybe spanking me when I'm bad? I mean just saying now you can spank me anytime" you twiddled your thumbs as you asked blushing letting out a few more of your fantasies

"Defiantly all of the above but I think you may regret telling me I can put you over my knee when you deserve it..but no being naughty just to get one you hear me little girl? you don't have to bad be to get a spanking if you want one you can just ask.... but in all honestly one of my biggest kinks is squirting I found that embarrassing but when you did....oh fuck knowing I did that to you I couldn't get enough, just wanted to see it again and again.... but honestly my most embarrassing kink is well... I've always...shit this is quite difficult actually" he stuttered rolling off of you sitting up smoothing over his hair you sat up placing the ears and collar on the bed before placing a hand on his thigh.

"You can tell me, we can try anything once to see if it fits us both" you encouraged lightly he sighed blushing a little before continuing.

"well I've always kind of wanted to fuck someone in character" you blinked at him slowly not really seeing the problem

"Hold on... you mean to tell me that I've fantasied about getting railed by August walker and all I had to do was ask? How fucking dare you keep that from me you little shit" you scolded slapping his chest lightly his face was comical it was very rare to catch him off guard but by the look of shock on his face you knew you'd done just that.

"S-seriously? You wont mind doing that? you wont find it strange or anything?" You scoffed

"Fuck no, why the hell do you think I'm on tumblr?! ninety percent of the time Im reading about you in some way shape or form. I do have two conditions tho ,first you can fuck me in what ever character you want when ever you want just give me a little heads up so I know if I'm dealing with a scary Marshall or sweet Clark and two when you finish filming witcher get your ass home as Geralt and fuck the living day lights out of me deal?" You held out a hand he looked at it then saluted"Yes mam" before throwing himself at you

"GOD I knew you was the one for me" you squealed giggling as he tickled you with kisses soon you both got up stripping the damp bed you blushed seeing just how much mess you had made

"Don’t worry babe I will get some towels specifically for this type of thing, maybe microfiber they might not chafe when I’m fucking you, after all now I know your a little squirter its my new goal in sex, orgasms are good but I wont be happy until you’ve gushed all over our bed, hell I’m gonna find a way to make you squirt on my cock" you groaned covering your hot cheeks making him laugh.

"Lets not and say we did?" You answered he shook his head lowering his face to your ear grunting into it

"Well kitten we have got twelve weeks together lets not waste them might as well learn a few new tricks any way where did you get all of that stuff?" You groaned smiling as you got up again ready to tidy up.

"Bondara I think"

"Are they still delivering through this pandemic" you pulled on Henry's tshirt bundling the sheets in the laundry basket

"I’m not sure I will have to check-hey what are you doing?" you quickly stepped up behind him as he sat on your tablet going on to bondara

"Holy shit they are!? ok babe lets do this so plugs, yep oh look this set has heart jewels on them add to cart... oh here look if I spend forty five pounds I get a free dildo worth one hundred pounds now lets see paddles oh I wonder if they have that clone a willy kit that would be good for you when I’m away..... what type of paddle to you want babe? never mind it doesn't matter you wont like it anyway it will be for when your naughty anyway" you froze watching as an amused Henry sat on the bed happily scrolling through the site maybe this quarantine shit wont be so bad after all.

#henry cavill x reader #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill fic #henry cavill smut #henry cavill #quarantine writing

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kaediisarchive · 3 years

Text

Final thoughts on the 2021 Mortal Kombat movie.

LOTS of spoilers under the cut! Do not look at this post if you don’t want to see spoilers!

And remember, this is all just my opinion. It’s not like an actual in-depth review because I’m not a film student; this is just my perspective on what I saw as a fan of this franchise.

POSITIVE

Sub-Zero and Scorpion were great. Opening fight was great.

“Eddy Tobias” namedrop lmao

I love the snow preceding Sub-Zero’s attack. Very foreboding.

Score is AWESOME. My favorite soundtrack is probably the one that plays when Sub-Zero is attacking them in the city towards the beginning.

Sonya rigging her house with a secret bunker and trap doors is smart and fits her character.

I like that the dragon logo has an integral meaning to the story.

Loved Jax vs Sub-Zero. Not mad about the origin change of Jax’s arms. I like that he had to work through his feelings of inadequacy and failure; people don’t just immediately bounce back after something that traumatic. I also like that his arcana manifests to protect Sonya rather than in the heat of battle. It shows his emotional priorities and what separates him from people like Kano who manifest their arcana in a fit of rage.

Sonya “Throw Hands on Sight” Blade lmfao. They nailed her fighting style too and I am happy.

Kano is the best thing about this movie. No competition.

Kotal reference!

Nightwolf reference!

Shang Tsung’s soul magic being black and wispy and foreshadowing Noob Saibot.

KANO DID THE HEART RIP

CHEKOV’S GNOME I’M SCREAAAAAAMMMMIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG

I love Liu Kang in this. He is 1000000% a Wholesome Boi. I like that he’s younger and unhardened and not the fully realized champion version of his character yet. Let him grow into it so it feels earned later on. I like that he’s the underdog, and I like what they’ve set up for him in the future. Also, the casting for him was perfect and they nailed his fighting style, too.

That little “the FUCK” that the Kano actor improvised(?) in the middle of Liu Kang’s lines made me laugh more than it should have. I don’t know why that moment got to me so much but it did.

I love Kung Lao. And they nailed his fighting style, too! Great to see variation that represents the characters (though there were less shining examples, which I’ll touch on later).

LOW SWEEP! LOW SWEEP! LOW SWEEP!

Egg roll scene is best scene.

Kabal! I love his dry humor. And his voice reminds me of Duke Nukem, which I’m not mad about. It complemented his dialogue well.

Not mad about Kung Lao’s death because it was meaningful. His fatality on Nitara was sick, too.

Liu Kang taking the ribbon from Kung Lao’s hat and wearing it in his honor, giving an origin for his signature headband is FANTASTIC.

THE PIT!

FLYING BICYCLE KICKS!

LIU KANG’S DRAGON FATALITY!

SONYA’S ENERGY RINGS!

Sub-Zero was a GREAT final boss. They really built him up appropriately to make him feel like it.

Scorpion’s fatality! And his skull face!

NEUTRAL

Not sure how I feel about Sub-Zero being wholly evil and there being no involvement from Quan Chi. It’s more straight forward for sure. It makes him an interesting (and badass) character, and I’m really behind this portrayal in that he is one of the most believable characters in the movie, but I’m not sure if I like the implications for later films in how this has simplified the dynamic in the entire Shirai Ryu vs Lin Kuei plotline. Having Quan Chi be the Machiavelli was always one of my favorite MK twists. And how do we eventually end the feud now? If Bi-Han / the Lin Kuei were wholly responsible, why should Hanzo EVER make peace with Kuai Liang down the line? The complexity feels like it’s been stripped down a bit, but I do love this iteration of Sub-Zero. I truly do. That’s why this is in the neutral category and not the negative XD.

Why didn’t Jax tell Cole when he saw the mark? Why wait until his family gets attacked? Maybe he didn’t want to do it in front of his family to keep them out of it, but that ends up endangering them more. Not a gripe, just a curiosity.

Sound editing was a bit too intense at times for my taste. I have tinnitus, so...big boomy bass with very mild voices is a chore for my ears to switch between. My ears were ringing within the first twelve minutes.

Torn between “fuck you Reiko” and “Reiko deserved better”. He deserved just a little bit better, but Skarlet says “get fucked” anyway.

I don’t like the “shaky cam” used in the fight scenes. Not my cup of tea. Very hard to visually process at times.

Whatever cosmic force is picking the champions for Earthrealm is doing a shitty job at it.

Why did they change the location of the Sky Temple to a desert? Again, not a gripe, a curiosity.

“We will not see another full moon before the tournament begins” THEN WHERE IS THE TOURNAMENT BUDDY???

Not sure how I feel about the “arcana” concept. It’s an okay plot device but kinda hammy.

Kitana’s fan! But why? Why is it there? I could understand the Kotal and Nightwolf references because Sonya has been researching, but why is Kitana’s fan randomly in an Earthrealm temple? Purely cheap fanservice.

Nitara was really cool. Shame she had to die, but her death was cool and there have to be some characters that get killed off. Wish she had more screentime though; feels like another instance of fanservice just having her show up basically as a namedrop and a quick kill.

The phrase “Are you okay?” was said WAY too much in this film. So much that I actually notices how often it was said, and I usually don’t pick up on these things.

Pretty sure a camera operator fell at one point in a Sonya scene because the camera jerked around violently all of the sudden then stabilized. Whoops.

How did Sub-Zero know to take Cole’s family to the gym? WHY did he take them there?

NEGATIVE

Opening scene was awesome, but it’s emotional impact felt stunted. I feel like the order of events should have been twisted a bit. Hanzo find his wife and son should have been the big emotional climax of the scene, but it felt like a passing moment and gave him no time to mourn and no time for the impact to truly set in with me. It was an “oh no they died” moment instead of an “ OH MY GOD THEY DIED THIS IS SO FUCKED FUCK YOU SUB-ZERO” moment. I dare say that the Legacy web series did it better in spite of their lower budget and overall quality; the series of events had better pacing and gave more emotional impact because of it. I said what I fucking said don’t @ me.

Wish we got more Scorpion. I love Sanada, I love him as Scorpion, but they didn’t give us the time we needed with his character to truly get a grasp of him.

Cole Young is like white bread in a parade of decorative cakes.

Raiden, a normally passionate and protective character whose fatal flaw is that he involves himself too much in events because he cares about the people in his realm and ends up fucking things up because of it, now seems to not care in the slightest. He feels completely uninvolved save for an occasional pop in to give a nod of disapproval. I don’t like this unemotional take on one of the most emotional characters in Mortal Kombat.

Small complaint from my perspective as a martial artist but uh...”Throw your uppercut!” was a bullshit line in a bullshit scene. If you’re locked up with someone like that and the guy has his arms around your neck, you physically cannot uppercut. You cannot fit your arms between his arms because they are cinched tightly around your shoulders/neck. YOUR HEAD is between your fist + bicep and HIS HEAD. In that situation, the guy has also left his body completely unguarded, so the most logical thing to do since you CANNOT reach his head is to go for BODY BLOWS. Beat him until he lets go to protect himself, catch his floating rib with double strikes, or punch the dude in his fucking liver as hard as you can to DROP HIM. Cole is supposed to be an experienced fighter, yet he makes one of the most rookie mistakes a fighter could ever make. Normally I wouldn’t care to point out mistakes in fight choreography or whatever because it’s MK and I expect ridiculousness, but this is the WRONG kind of ridiculous. It’s just NONSENSE.

I have SO MANY issues with Mileena. I’ll make this as short as I can. I don’t like the design of her mouth. I don’t like her weird stacked voice. She shows NO personality, not in her acting or even her fighting style, just an evil minion that got angry because she almost got her ass kicked. The turned one of the principle characters of the entire franchise and a fan favorite into a GRUNT. There is NO mention of Kitana outside of literal “fan”-service. Not even a reference to one of the most important plotlines in all of Mortal Kombat. And then they KILL HER OFF!!! When they do inevitably bring in Kitana WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO SINCE THEY KILLED OFF MILEENA???? I’m heated and biased and they did my girl dirty.

Speaking of doing characters dirty, poor Reptile. They turned him into an actual animal. What a waste.

Why are they so mean to Sonya if she doesn’t have a mark? She wouldn’t be as much of a “liability” if they would take the time to prepare her and teach her how to defend against fighters that have unlocked their arcana. Mind-numbingly stupid logic.

This movie relies A LOT on prerequisite knowledge to work. It’s like they want fans to fill in the blanks for them. But not everyone watching is already a fan; this isn’t an obscure release, this is a blockbuster movie released worldwide. These gaps in lore and prior knowledge don’t make sense for such a broad audience.

Cole Young literally could have just been Johnny Cage.

Where was Raiden when his temple was being assaulted?

Cole’s arcana is LITERAL PLOT ARMOR IM FUCKING DONE

No but for real that’s the most boring decision they just ripped off Jax’s MK11 heater effect and Baraka’s blades (I know they’re tonfa and they aren’t attached and I DON’T CARE). Also, now he’s suddenly good at fighting again? After being dog shit this entire movie??? And tanks Goro?????

If Raiden is an Elder God in this continuity, why is he allowed to help Earthrealm AT ALL? It seems like favoritism and bends the rules that the Elder Gods are supposedly bound by way too much. They really just shouldn’t have made him an Elder God; I honestly think they just said it to introduce the concept without a fuck given towards the actual lore of the Elder Gods.

WHY DID RAIDEN TELEPORT KANO TO SONYA’S HOUSE AFTER HE BETRAYED THEM I HAD TO REWATCH THAT SEVERAL TIMES TO MAKE SURE I JUST SAW WHAT I SAW WHAT THE ACTUAL NONSENSICAL FUCK

Cole REALLY should not have been involved in that last fight. Especially not after Scorpion shows up. It should have been Scorpion vs Sub-Zero ONLY for the final fight. Cole tag-teaming Sub-Zero with Scorpion cheapens Scorpion’s revenge.

Camera work in the final fight was not good, especially in the first portion. At one point Cole gets thrown into a fence, but it cuts to an awkward inverse angle that makes him look like he’s bouncing off of a trampoline. This continues to happen and ruins several shots for me.

Honestly Scorpion should have just possessed Cole. Permanently. No switching back and forth. No more Cole, only Scorpion.

PREDICTIONS

Lots of dead characters come back as revenants and / or with upgrades.

Kano comes back with cyber eye.

Mileena comes back with full teeth.

Liu Kang becomes MK champion, wins tournament, and kills Shang Tsung. As it should be.

Cole Young helps Liu Kang become champion somehow idk maybe he sacrifices himself or something just please don’t make Cole the champion I will start a riot.

Next movie will start IMMEDIATELY at the tournament since there was supposedly less than a month until the tournament starts in this movie.

New characters coming in will be Kitana, Shao Kahn, Jade, Quan Chi, Kuai Liang, Noob Saibot, Ermac, and Johnny Cage.

OVERALL

This movie was good, bloody fun! It’s not an A++ Oscar-winner, but if you expected that going into it, you played yourself. It was Mortal Kombat; it was stupid, it was gory, and I had a blast watching it. Kano and Liu Kang were the best parts of the movie for me, with Scorpion and Sub-Zero tied for third. Also I popped a lot for the cheap nostalgia hits. I’m overall satisfied with what we got in spite of my complaints, and I only complain so in-depth about the things I love lmao so trust me when I say I’m not actually mad, just nitpicky. I’ve watched it twice now, and I would watch it again. It’s like a 6.8/10 for me.

#mortal kombat spoilers #mk movie spoilers #spoilers tw #[ooc]

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ishityoun0t · 5 years

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This is weird for me to say but pluto and saturn in capricorn at the same time sounds like a wreck. Pluto tears down and saturn builds. Been tearing down old ways and rebuilding new habits and ways of thinking since 2017 fr fr and it seems to end in 2020. Exactly by the time im 30-31. Astrology really is that bitch.

“Although Saturn rules Capricorn, Saturn and Capricorn are not the same energy. Life doesn’t necessarily become more Capricorn. In fact, the more negative expressions of the sign of Capricorn, such as excessive materialism, pessimism, and rigidity, are things that won’t work for us now. These become glaring under Saturn’s stern eye. In some manner, we are bound to see that there is a price to pay for these behaviors, or it will become extremely clear that we have lost too much time, energy, and happiness on these things. Even so, Saturn invokes a craving for the positive qualities of whatever sign it inhabits or planet it touches. We’re now striving towards more order, integrity, discipline, patience, and perseverance. Saturn demands definitions, structures, and commitments. But for many of us, as soon as something is defined, structured, or committed, we might feel caged, trapped, or limited. Saturn in Capricorn can teach us that there are freedom and liberation in abiding by certain rules, and in some level of self-denial (this a real gem of truthness for me!) This is a time for making clear choices and decisions, for weeding out what isn’t working for us, and for letting go of lost causes, particularly related to our life path choices, careers, and long-term goals.”

Saturns takes 28-29 years to go thru all the signs the last time it was in capricorn was when i was born. So its been a 29 year cycle coming to an end in 2020. And i do relate and im kind of shook.

“Saturn teaches that freedom is not about escaping our responsibilities nor is it about breaking all the rules. Saturn shows us that we grow through our failures as much as, or perhaps more than, our successes. This is a time for letting go of self-defeating attitudes that have been holding us back, recognizing exactly where we have been overdoing our expectations, and finding new, perhaps more authentic ways to nurture our ambitions. We are seeing where we’ve been overconfident, sloppy, entitled, and excessive, and how these things have ultimately contributed to stagnation, frustration, or letdown. This transit is about sincerity and authenticity. “

All too true!!

“Your outlook on life changes as you adopt a more serious, mature, and responsible attitude. In the beginning stages of the transit, you may feel some lacking in self-confidence and possibly some frustration with yourself. You might reach out to others in an attempt to validate yourself, looking for ways to boost your confidence. When these attempts fail, you may feel temporarily let down and discouraged. Rest assured that Saturn will re-work these feelings, with your help of course, until you reach a point (as Saturn moves through the house/Capricorn) when you have a stronger sense of self. This transit acts to transform your self-confidence in such a way that you question the source of your confidence to date, and discover a more solid base for pulling up inner strength and thus true confidence. Saturn here acts to rip away the superficial. Illusions about the self, the body, and personal abilities will no longer be entertained. You may no longer be comfortable with any superficial mannerisms that may have carried you to date. You might decide to slim down or simplify your approach to the world, and, for some, perhaps slim down your body as well! The end result is a newfound or redefined identity and a realistic understanding of yourself.”

“Some commitments or plans might need to be let go. You are likely to feel some regrets for how you have lived your life to date, but once you honor those feelings (which seems to be necessary in order to move forward), you are in a better position to make improvements.”

WHY DO I FEEL ATTACKED!!!?? THIS IS ALL TOO TRUE.

#lmao #ok ingot time today #astrology #pluto transits cap #mars transits cap #capricorn things #capricorn

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samwinchesterisourhero · 6 years

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Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid. Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer. Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder. This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most.

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

#Sam Winchester #Letters #supernatural #Sam Winchester is our hero #missjackil #submission

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

#bunni is gone #alas #mourn they #soon to be departed from the web

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mogwitch · 6 years

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I’d really appreciate the tarot and your advice

7 my relationship with my mom has been a roller coaster my whole life. She’s been mentally and emotionally abusive to me my whole life and hides it all behind the fact that she wants people to see her and everyone or thing related to her as socially acceptable. I found out later in life that a large part of it is because my first few teachers insisted that i be tested for asd but she refused and decided to ‘reform’ me. (as an adult i got a positive diagnosis) She’s had multiple moments through my life where if she finds out something about me she doesn’t like she first tells me I’m a disappointment and then doesn’t talk to me few months. During that time she has my step dad call and say awful things because she won’t stop crying. Im now an adult in my own home a state away from her and decided to let her back in my life at a distance. She didn’t seem like she could do damage from so far away because i could simply block her calls and ignore her if she tried to start something.

After years of being in the closet I was ready for the risk of losing her entirely and came out as trans a couple months ago. She said hurtful things and followed it up with hurtful texts. Now it’s been almost 2 months and she’s trying to act like it never happened and weasel her way back into my life while undermining me and pretending I’m cis. She refuses to talk about things but is finding increasingly rediculous ways to contact me. I’ve contemplated letting her back in if she acknowledges me as i am, but im not sure how long it would take, if ever.

Any advice on what to do?

Ya gonna have to excuse the bad pic with terrible lighting and no cloth or anything because like my rules post says; my readings are currently CLOSED! so I usually don’t respond to requests when that is the case, but when I got this one I just felt like I wanted to do the reading and my only work space is basically right here so we gonna Deal 🤷🏻‍♀️ ✌️

(Also, remember: this is just a tarot reading not professional advice. Don’t put your life and decisions 100% on the cards, they’re just to help out and give perspective)

Using the ravens prophecy tarot. This deck is also my oldest, most used, most battered and marked up deck, but my most trusted one and it just really felt right for this reading.

The two of wands is you, grown up, moving on with your life and looking at your future. You’ve taken what you can of yourself from your past and now you’re looking to make the best of it. What’s left of the life behind is at the moment unsalvageable and dangerous to go back for. But it’s hard not to look back. It’s hard to completely let go of what’s behind you even when it’s bad for you not to, especially when it is, like a fire in the dark, too enticing not to draw your focus.

On the opposite side the page of cups is your mother. She doesn’t see you she sees something more of a product of her own creation and not a mature person. She wants something from you, but not something physical like money. She’s dissatisfied with herself for how she and her life have turned out, and is looking to fulfil her emotional need to be ‘perfect’ via you. Every time you do or tell her something that makes her disappointed she feels this as a personal failure on her part and something of an attack on yours. You can’t have asd because that means there’s something wrong with her, you can’t be trans because that means there’s something wrong with her, every time she tells you that you’re a disappointment it’s because she’s angry and disappointed in herself. You are the most important thing to her but not in a positive way, she still feels like she can ‘fix’ this and she will use manipulation to do it and the first step is the get you back into her ‘nest’ (maybe not even physically). She doesn’t seem to be doing this maliciously against you, her goal isn’t to hurt you, it’s entirely self-centred and about HER.

As for everything else between you, the sun is the problem. You’re aware of how bad all of this is and how it’s affecting you, but you’re holding on with a hope that there’s still real happiness being offered. But the sun can burn you and so can holding on to a hope that isn’t good for you. For your mother this card means holding holding on to something that should be free. Meanwhile the six of swords is the solution, telling you to let it go. It is also your mother trying to hold on to something that’s slipping through her fingers and trying to keep it anyway. Both of these cards say that there’s too much control in the relationship. Some of it from your mother trying to control you, and some of it from you not controlling yourself enough.

On the bottom half the knight of cups is what will come of reconciliation and letting her back in. It looks nice but it’s just the same old thing dressed up prettier. It’s a daydream of a relationship that at first looks like the better option. You see a hopeful future where she learns to accept and be a better parent, and she sees a hopeful future where you stop doing these things that upset her. On both sides it’s a fantasy and it’s not good for either of you. And the five of cups is cutting her out. It’s loss and grief and misery and definitely the less attractive option. At first it seems like these cards are saying the opposite of the rest of the spread, but they’re only highlighting the struggle between what you need and what you’re hoping for. It might seem like the most painful way, but after grief comes recovery and the only way to achieve that is to reach acceptance.

I pulled two extra cards in the end.

The hierophant shows your mothers feelings l, especially of being trapped by the need to conform and the need to trap you into it with her. Like all the other pairs in the reading the two images seem like almost direct opposites to each other. A wild fire out of control and a caged flame that can’t spread. She needs help with these feelings but that help CANNOT come from you. Only through separation and individual healing can you both get better, and maybe the chance to rebuild a less toxic relationship could be possible after that.

#maxenkatt #free readings #submission

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missjackil · 7 years

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Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.

#Sam Meta #reluctant hero #sam winchester

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doomanddread · 4 years

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It feels like my life has been surrounded by death. even before I knew it. it feels like the grim reaper’s shadow is always in my doorway. but never for me- the one who begs for it. im reckless with covid because i simply dont care if i get it and die. it would actually solve my problems. and yet death lingers all around me. it takes and takes and takes. god takes everyone i love around me. and even typing that it scares me- to jinx it, to risk complaining now, when i know how much worse it could be. but today my heart was ripped out of my chest and died in my arms. i said good bye to my baby girl. my cat sunny. i dont care if you laugh. i dont care if you think im a joke. i am. thats the punchline. to watch the one you love die in your arms, to watch the life fade from their eyes, to know you did it, that i could have done so much more, she deserved so much more. she deserved so much more. she had so much life left. i want weed, i want cigarettes, i want vodka, i want a knife. i cant do this. i cant survive this again. and again. and again. i look up at the sky- you took her from me. you took my baby girl. you took my baby boy. you took my dad. amadeus- from now on were enemies. you’ve given me a shell of a life. you gave me a fucking piece of shit life. you gave me sickness, death, pain, agony, hatred, loss, a cage. why am i here? to suffer? i wasnt meanth for this- i am too weak, too pathetic, too scared, too broken. i can’t survive a life like this. tragedy after tragedy- and a brain that wants to kill me. why shouldn’t i let it? when the alternative is this fucking hell. i collapsed in the parking lot and shook from my sobs, sat there on my knees hyperventilating. no one cared. maybe i could have done this if i wasnt alone. maybe there would have been some solace. some peace. but you took that from me too. you wrecked me. i dont care that death is apart of life- you took her from me and the anger. the anger i feel could kill someone. i could wrap my hands around a throat and squeeze and squeeze until its done. i could take these fists and break someone else’s heart for once. i want everyone to suffer. i want everyone to feel what i feel. so many people- so many people have no idea what true pain is. so naïve. so godamn fucking lucky. just godamn motherfucking luck that separates me from you. i got saddled with this shit show. you got to live your life and see your dreams come true. i get to live with my mom and autistic brother, in a 2 bedroom aparment, without a career, without a car, without money, without a lover, without fucking anyone. i get to live a blackhole of a life. it’s just a darkness that keeps sucking everything in around me. you get fucking everything. and i hate you. i hate everyone for it. i hate every fucking person who gets to live a regular normal life, to fall in love, to go to college, to have a family. i fucking hate you. one day i wont be able to keep it tight in my chest, and itll blow and there will be casualties. and i dont care. i dont fucking care. you deserve it. you have everything and i have nothing. i count down the days, i watching them go by, every birthday, and im still here. still here to suffer. its hard to not want death when it follows you. when it takes everyone you love. take me too. why am i here, left behind? my life is not my own. my purpose is not my own. its to take care of my mom and brother. and i know that should matter. it should be enough. but its not. it leaves my trapped, hollow, empty. i watch as the world goes by. as the lives around me grow and flourish. and im still here. still losing. still losing and losing and losing. she was my princess. my beauty queen. and i failed her in every way. because of money. she died because we didnt have enough money to save her. and i will have to live with that for the rest of the wretched life. its not fair. its not fucking fair. there is no god. and if there is, hes the worst one of all. enemies. we are enemies. you took her from me and i wont ever forget it. you took everything from me over and over. she was innocent. a causality of my cursed existence. im so sorry. im so sorry. i will never... i will never forgive myself. i will never forget you. i will never forget my failure. and paying the ultimate consequence. a life. a pure life that deserved more. ill love you forever and always. my angel.

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stateofgrace-acoustic · 7 years

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Taylor and Me

with reputation out and me loving it so much, i keep getting really nostalgic and astonished by how long i’ve been a fan of taylor’s and al the things she has accompanied me through. so i felt like posting a little reflection thing, feel free to ignore totally :D

like a lot of people Love Story was the first song of hers I heard. i was on the bus home with one of my friends and she let me listen to it. i was so young back then, oh my god. (like 12?) i think i found it catchy, but didn’t think much about it afterwards until two people had a presentation on taylor in music class. (we were all supposed to introduce our favorite artists). they played some more songs from fearless, and i can’t recall exactly what my reaction was but i know i wanted the album. i asked the presentation people if i could borrow it, and i remember looking through the booklet thinking how beautiful it was. i think even back then when i was so young i sort of intuitively understood what an amazing songwriter taylor was and how much work and effort she puts into everything she does.

fearless was for me very much an escapism record. i listened to it to enter this realm of magic and fairytales and dancing in the rain that was so far away from my everyday life and issues. i could never really apply her love songs to my life in a direct way, but i still felt like they were relatable for me, in a more abstract way - the feeling that came with them, a sort of freedom and passion, was how i felt in my happiest moments, when i didn’t feel inhibited by fear and doubt as i often did. and her nostalgic and sad moments i could relate to my own nostalgia as well.

my mom bought me the fanbook for christmas, and that’s when i started being interested in taylor as a person as well., and how she sort of became my role model. i read about her childhood and the way she tried to achieve her dream so hard until she succeeeded. about how she wasn’t afraid to put herself out there, to open herself up completely in her songs. i admired how she put kindness above all else, how in touch she was with her fans, but also how intelligent she was and how all of her decisions in her career were her own, how she didn’t let anyone else take control over what her life or ‘image’ to the public should be. all of those things and values i took to heart and tried to live them in my own life as much as possible. looking back now i couldn’t be happier with my choice of a role model. taylor helped guide me through some years that were difficult, as they are for pretty much every teenager i guess. ‘fearless is living in spite of the things that scare you to death’ was the motto i needed so much in my life, because i was very much defined and trapped by my fears in my teenage years - of social interaction, of taking risks, of failure.. taylor’s music was something i could always turn back to to give me strength.

i remember when speak now was announced, i was excited out of my mind. i wrote the tracklist down onto my computer and kept looking at it. i loved all the released singles so much and listened to them for days on end. i painted 13s onto my hands and danced around the living room. that is one of the main things that comes to my mind when i think of happy teenage memories: this image of me dancing to a taylor swift song.

speak now was an album that completely blew me away. i loved every single track from the first listen. it is still so incredible to me how she wrote that album completely by herself at 19; how talented she is with lyrics and melodies that completely fit together. i had some fan account back then on twitter and didnt shut up about taylor ever.

around that time, my parents and i were planning this huge vacation in Calfornia that would turn out to be one of my best - perhaps THE best experience of my teenage years, and we figured out that a the time we wanted to go, the Speak Now tour was in LA. my parents agreed to get tickets because they knew how much it meant to me, and also because they were lowkey fans themselves:D you can’t imagine how happy i was. it was my first concert ever, and the fact that i got to experience it in that huuuge location with so so many other people, it was like a dream. i was pretty far away from the stage at the side, but it was perfect for me - i think the huge crowd would have overwhelmed me. i was completely enthralled by the huge setup, the stage aesthetics, the costume changes, just how big and well planned it all was. i ended up thinking all concerts were like this, but i remember my dad saying that artists usually don’t talk that much during concerts. but taylor told the stories behind her songs, universal experiences that people could relate to, inspirational messages she wanted to get out to her fans. she really cared so much about connecting with all of us. when she was in the love story cage thing flying around the arena she even waved in the direction of our seating area even though we were so far up!

my favorite song from speak now was always long live, and i had desperately wanted her to play the song for the entire night. i loved all the rest, obviously, but i was telling myself not to be disappointed if it would be cut out. but then, almost at the end, she did play it! you can imagine small!me standing there almost crying quietly singing along in a state of absolute happiness. the memory makes me tear up right now ahhh, it was such an amazing moment.

then came up the red era, and i remember staying up til super late to watch the announcement of the new album. the thing is...to make it short, red simply came too early for me. i was not ready, and not being able to fully comprehend and appreciate, the emotional maturity and sheer genius of the red album. i did not really like wanegbt at first. when red came out i did listen to it a lot and like it, but like i said, i could not fully appreciate it. hearing the general fandom discussions i feel like a lot of people had a similar experience, because red was such a leap from speak now in terms of the tone of the writing. im also gonna be honest here, i was influenced by the negative portrayal of taylor in the media that kinda reached its first peak back then, and even though i didnt buy into what they said about her because i knew better, it still influenced me like subconsciously, you know? i was also a bit sceptical at her direction towards pop music. so overall, i became a bit distanced from taylor. i felt like i needed to ‘outgrow’ her. a lot of it also had to do with the fact that it was my Edgy Phase where i thought being normal was a bad thing and i wanted to be as Special and Grownup as possible. (i think everyone has that cringeworthy phase sometime in their life but i hate remembering it:D).

but the thing is, i think i needed that kind of alienation to eventually realize that taylor had grown up just like i had, but that didn’t mean we had to grow apart. by the time 1989 was announced i had actually done a great leap in maturity and had outgrown this thing where you idealize celebrities, and was able to see taylor as a person, with flaws and insecurities like everyone else, and that this didnt diminish her incredible talent of what a kind and wonderful person she is.

i was not the biggest fan of 1989 itself (multiple reasons; i still liked it though, just didnt love it), but paradoxically, I felt closer to taylor again during the new era than during red. i kinda missed the red era now and regretted that i wasnt more involved when it was there (i still do). but i loved taylor’s new attitude, i was glad she had found happiness in independence and relying on herself. i loved the cat videos and the polaroids and the voice memos that gave insight into the creation of the songs. also, blank space was my jam and still is. since that ive been a huge fan of this super smart move of hers of taking all the things people throw at her and embodying it ironically. iconic!!

so since i was a bit more involved again (though clearly not as much as in my early swiftie days) i wanted to see the 1989 tour, and did! throughout the show i realized how much had changed, but also everything - the important things - that stayed the same (her interactions with the fans, the speeches, etc.) and i had tons of fun. it was like a giant party with strangers - which is obviously a very different feel to speak now, but loved it :D

i was worried that taylor would go into hiatus after 1989 because she always talked about how it was her best work yet, and it broke so many records and won so many awards, that i thought she might be scared she couldnt top it, and taylor always wants to top herself. i ended up being right, though the hiatus was more about all the drama and accusations because people just cant stop being awful. they cant take the idea of a smart talented woman who also shows vulnerability.

but ive been awaiting a new album all this time, because generally i thought taylor doing pop had so much potential, i just wasnt completely a fan of the general direction of 1989. however....i never would have imagined loving the album as much as i do. i wrote a separate review about it, but basically - i totally love how reputation is big and confident but also super up close, intimate and deep at the same time. it’s darker, but it’s a powerful and sensitive sort of dark at the same time, if that makes sense. i can totally vibe to the general mood of the album because i think i can relate it to how i feel about my life right now a lot. also loving how taylor has truly found a place of happiness and trust after having been let down by ...the world?...so harshly. i love the aesthetic of the magazines and the poems, just everything about this era.

so basically, this album has completely pulled me back again to stanning taylor, and i think it’s kinda beautiful how i’ve come ‘full circle’ and am now back to hyping her music again as i used to :) i connect some of my most life defining and most precious memories with taylor, and i am glad i somehow found back to her and her music as i start off my twenties.

im looking forward to getting involved in the fandom again so much, and i can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us all :’)

#that definitely wasnt everything bc i have so much to say but #...hey #taylor swift #me #this is a huge ass post im sorry #storytime

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