#i feel like I don't fuckin matter
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#im so tired#so tired of everything#of giving so much and not getting anything back#i feel like I don't fuckin matter#i just want to be appreciated and loved like i do for others#I'm fine being lonely but i feel so fucking alone right now#I'm about to cry on the hév✨.
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ah that holiday depression
#just doesn't really matter does it#people who have big nice organized christmasses: good for you#do not show me pictures.#do not tell me what you ate.#i will probably be eating toast for christmas dinner.#i don't live alone i just have divorced parents#and one is going to hawaii and the other didn't invite me over so i'll just.#be here i guess.#wrap presents for other people lmao which i do enjoy doing !#wish i could open something tho. just for fun#sigh... online orders could fulfill this need... unwrap something from ugly road-dirty plastic... i guess...#fuckin scrooge up in this bitch#ok also i started drawing a bit and it's UGLY and that made me UPSET#hurgle says things#i also haven't really slept in a few days bc i've been at work asjhbsgbsbgbs selling things to christmas people.#but that's definitely a factor#like this is 100% just that nighttime disease#but i feel sad about it !
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and they were singin', bye-bye Miss American Pie // american oldie i think kuwabara unironically listens to
(low effort lyric edit im queueing here in May cos im probably gonna forget it exists otherwise)
#qeued post#for June cos hey pride#the idea of kuwa seeing his friends in a holy almost godly light namely yusuke#and having them all leave unexpectedly#cos before that night at Genkai's i feel like it was solidified in kuwa's brain DESPITE the sidekick complex#DESPITE the fact that he's human and the least powerful member they are still decidedly a team#A team he has a place on. But then all suddenly springing this... YUSUKE springing this departure on him. shatters that belief#yusuke says he'll be back and it seems to make things better but even so kuwabara's face still looks so solemn when he leaves#Likely cos he knows yusuke is just saying shit and doesn't even know if it's possible to come back#this wasn't supposed to be a kuwameshi post it's really not but there's always that undertone when i talk about them so#He just admires them all so much yusuke above all others only to be left behind and that's gotta fuckin hurt#The way we don't see the resolution to this feeling. The lack of belonging the abandonment#next time we see him he's just supposed to be over it but we don't really know if it actually happened#So I like to play with the idea of like . Did he really like healthily accept things or#did he just repress it and deal. Cos like eng dub he tells yusuke ''forget all that stuff I said'' immediately taking back#his harsh words bc it's either stay mad stay upset or quickly forgive and move on cos this could be the last time. or even the jdub#where he doesn't even allow the vulnerability to show enough to trail off he just spouts the normal shit bc it's what they DO he immediatel#tries to get back to the normal dynamic and push himself to being fine with it right now bc he doesn't have the luxury of being upset#when it doesn't matter cos yusuke's leaving. the last thing he hears from him shouldnt be reckless shit he was saying when he lashed out#aka i dont think kuwa's feelings get seriously addressed enough and this episode haunts me cos of that very fact#Im not making any sense. Nico as my witness I swear I was more eloquent yapping to him about it#kuwabara kazuma#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi
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honestly it's been really healing being back to actively contributing things and writing out thoughts on tumblr the last week or so, because while twitter tends to be easier for me to write out Thoughts on without getting overwhelmed, the environment in the twitter fandom circles i'm interested in is not only infested with antis but cliqueish in a way that is caustic to the fucking soul if you try to express a thought that's more than three sentences long--a hundred times over if you're autistic in slightly the wrong way--and it's incredibly reassuring to come back to an environment where the very kindest and most inclusive people toward you are not clearly thinking the r-slur the entire time they interact with you lmao
#whosebaby talks#took an incident of just open petty cruelty the other day for me to finally go#you know what all of this is doing a huge number on my self-esteem and scrupulosity and social anxiety and mental health overall#sometimes it pays to hold out and give the benefit of the doubt#when your knee-jerk reaction is to think something Must Be a Sign of Shitty Intent; bc often it will turn out that wasn't the case at all#but unfortunately sometimes it turns out people are in fact just being shitty in exactly the way you thought they were#and at the *very* best you are incompatible in such a way that if they don't have bad intentions you're just never going to be able to tell#or well. not even necessarily bad *intentions*; just shitty behavior that's harmful to you regardless of whether they mean well#sometimes you just gotta accept that even if neither of you *is* being shitty it's not worth your peace of mind to never be able to confirm#and it's better to just save both of you the stress and not try to pursue that.#it fuckin sucks when it's people you think are cool and really want to get to know; it's a hard lesson to learn; but it's the way sometimes#......and then sometimes the confirmation you finally get is that yeah okay this is some bullshit#and not in a way that can likely be communicated past; no matter how much effort you make to be kind; clear; and mature#and being publicly humiliated for carefully trying to yes-and some clarification on meta of mine#which was being used in ways i was deeply uncomfortable with; and had had no warning would take the turn that it did#and which was contributing to the original post gaining traction in the first place#all targeted in ways pretty much tailor-made to hurt someone with specific issues they had seen me talk about + acknowledged#was just. yeah i think i'm done here lmao#i am Not someone who takes down meta once posted#so the fact that it was bad enough to make me delete an entire thread really says something lol#anyway. lots of other context there; and i appreciate that in some ways the person was genuinely trying to be kind; but i'm. yeah.#that shit Hurted Extremely; and made me realize that while i'm not the *most* well-socialized or articulate or approachable#there is just something in the water over there and no amount of The Problem Not Being Me would have mattered#and the nice asks/replies/comments i've gotten both recently and during hibernation make me feel warm inside; thank y'all <3#the salt files#bullying cw#ableism cw
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shakes him around
#qktalks#hiiiiii sorry for posting at midnight. i so eepy#btw i gave up on the monthly screencap redraws . lol#i don't enjoy deadlines for hobbies i've realized. so i simply won't give myself any#imsuddenly slightly less stressed. hashtag miracle worker#anyway i feel like . hold on#<- i do that a lot don't i . say dumb shit and then go anyway and say more dumb shit.hilarious.Anyway#the littler details of my art are usually covered up by colored lines and shading and then noise#so.wanted u to know that i Draw Shirt Collars and i Detail them.bc it's hard to see in my finished products#anything with edges‚ i usually line the edges too even if it's thin fabric#bc i think it looks nice.and then it is Erased from everyone's eyes#^ not particularly miffed about this btw.I know the lines r there and that's what matters#whatam i talking about . sorrydid i mention im fuckin tired#yawning every 3 seconds as i type this.god's sleepiest soldier#^ mobbu up there is one part in a three piece set. i hope.if everything goes according to plan#and the lighting for teru n ritsu don't look awful.uhm#yeag<3 [collapses]
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do you guys ever sit and remember that dennis takes a mental health day is an episode that exists
#ada speaks#i think i could probably recite the entire one sided phone conversation he has with daisy by heart and i havent seen the ep in months#i don't know how to explain it but#from what little ive read of ross' writing it feels like. when you click onto a fanfic and you feel immediate deep trust of the author#like it just clicks#the cookbook characterization specifically. is like.#i would put my life in your hands#and im sure we will get more eps by him and i really hope that continues because i think its been a very long time since the shows had#writers that i feel Get the characters in a way that feels effortless rather than. overcompensating.#like you can smell that writer's signature no matter how hard they try to cover it up with jokes and subversions#which isnt always a bad thing and im sure if we do get more maloney eps i'll pick up on his writers quirks too#but it doesn't feel like he's trying to copy anyone/pull from old eps it feels like he has a good grasp on things which makes it feel fresh#i find that long running shows hit a point where episodes start to feel less cohesive and more like. segmented short films#but if you have a really good group of writers and they find their groove its like. yeah. ok.#i think season 3 is a good study because marder and rosell's influence is all over the entire season#later seasons you can literally just. Feel which eps they worked on because its got a completely different vibe from the rest of the season#16 still suffers from that segmentation but#i think all the first time sunny writers (and nina's first solo ep) were all absolutely fuckin bangers and they've got a good team in there#anyway. characterization of dennis flipflops a lot. but the rest of the gang arguably gets it worse at times#i think megan's dee is the absolute worst aside from conor galvin's#and i understand wanting to write her as a girlfailure who is just. horrible. but.#ok. comparing self help book dee to ross' cookbook dee. i dont even have to say anything do i.#she's like. The Woman. in the self help book. and i fucking could not stand it. ross' dee is so perfect though#and his frank. MAN.#EVERYONE FUCKING RUINS FRANK.#i think marder and rosell's frank is a lot of fun because hes clearly based on marder's dad and acts believably#a lot of writers struggle to capture his. frank-ness.#he's sort of suffered from like. bland pervy senile old man writing for a long time#and ross brought back him actually being a competent businessman#IM OUT OF TAGS IM SHUTTING UP
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I hate being an entity that is comprised of nothing but guilt. I need to call out of work tomorrow because I haven't been able to eat since lunch on Friday and I STILL feel super guilty because my coworker took tomorrow off and he's the only one I know of who can cover the area when I'm out sick. And like logically I know they're just going to have to cope but MAN
#If it were anyone else I'd be cheering like 'fuck em they'll cope' but when it's me I'm like 'oh my god I'm a horrible person for this'#It's so fuckin annoying and exhausting caring so much all the time even about shit that really doesn't matter#And like??? Logically I know this is HOW they exploit people. By making them feel guilty for doing stuff they're legally allowed to do.#That doesn't change the fact I still feel guilty about it#BUT! I did call off. So go me!#Don't get me wrong I like the ppl so I told them where the MEI I wrote up was if it could help someone cover but I still called out 👍#Cruddy rambles
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I got a new mask. Anyone want to see it?
#if anyone fuckin cares anymore#I'm tired of this shit#I feel so fuckin alone on social media#even though I have 6.650 ‘followers’ here and BARELY get shit until one of my posts gets famous#even then I still get NO asks NO replies NO NOTHIN#follower count doesn't matter on here even though a lot of people think that#how many fuckin of you people need to follow me for my shit to be seen?#Do I need to get 10k? 20k? cause even at 6.6k I don't get fuckin shit like OTHER big Tumblr blogs#who either have the SAME follower count as I do#or even lower than what I have#and they still get shit on their posts#but I'm just here rantin nowadays to the fuckin void cause NOBODY wants to fuckin talk to me or have an actual conversation#you guys only do shit like this when I say somethin bout it or I make a suicidal post#which goes to show how fuckin fake EVERYBODY is when they say they “care for you” and will still be silent when I need help or someone#but whatever#rant in the tags#I need to shut up#shut up G#Not DC#Not DC related#personal#personal post
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a starstruck odyssey is for lovers
#more than acofaf even. the love story of the wurst is what dreams are made of#emilymurph sitting next to each other...skip straightest man ever prince of alien slugs learning to be free bc of the crew...gnosis...#best on average npcs. lucienne plug bambi leroux the butch at the space station fuckin space heiress trust fund baby bajar crunch moon jone#and this is not to say ANYTHING of how good the characters are.#they could keep making d20 seasons forever and starstruck will always be a cut above the rest because of how fucking good the setting is#like with crown of candy even tho i loved it sm i feel like some politics were discarded in favor of the others; all out war was eh to me#the build up to a war tho? now that's interesting that's where the juice is basically i wanted asoiaf book one vibes with this cast but#that's a matter of personal preference! i don't feel like acoc did the most that could've been done with a “politics” campaign#dimension 20#dropout.tv#a starstruck odyssey#because of their deep investment in the world and the genre it never feels like starstruck couldn't do anything. it feels limitless!#season two...god if they never do one that'd be such wasted capability#ik fantasy high is so beloved and it is a beautiful lasagna of time and playing style but if i could get multiple seasons w starstruck...#the thing that makes asoiaf asoiaf is that we have a similar level of insight into the minds of baddies like the lannisters as we do into#the minds of the clean jesus allegory starks. and in acoc the “worst” character we got from the heroes was lapin n even he was aligned#to the rocks' cause. saccharina WAS a rocks -- that was her whole deal -- and even then she wasn't a morally reproachable character bc#she was right! i wanted acoc to be down and dirty and when they said ravening would be i was excited but even that turned out to be them#destroying a secret cult which was going to kill the world. no really down low shenanigans!
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Also wasn't the 2020 election so miserable with how we were all waiting for results for literal fucking days??? Oh my God...
#the suspense was agonizing#bc of the mail-in ballots taking so long#bc of the goddamn pandemic...#also aren't we all glad that trump wasn't in office when it was time to execute vaccine rollouts?#(sighs wistfully) yeah...#we literally weren't even vaxxed when we went to vote that cycle. literally crazy to think about#i almost can't believe we'll like almost certainly know by wednesday morning#like how elections should be!!!#idk how to feel bc the suspense gradually led to hope last time#but in 2016 i literally went to bed expecting everything to be fine and woke up at like 2am to see trump had won#nothing in my life could ever compare to the shock and dread i felt after that#tales from diana#and if i have to repeat that shock and dread now i have no idea what effect it'll have on me#i keep thinking of everything i can do to brace for the worst#to console myself in case this goes sideways again#and i keep thinking well maybe it won't hit as hard as it did for me 8 years ago...#but what if it does? i literally can't anticipate it#not that my feelings are what matters here obviously#but w something so consequential to the world and life as we know it. yeah ive got strong fuckin feelings#i don't wanna emotionally shut down in despair of how bad i expect a second trump term to be. and that's my personal fear#despair is inactionable but it is so so human and i want to be able to serve my community#to dare to hope for a better world!#hope is what's actionable especially if it dares to hope in the face of grim realities#but i know my hope is very fragile so i have to adapt either way#withdrawing from political action is never an option. so we all better vote the right way so i dont become useless#a traitor to myself
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Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.
And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.
I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.
But do you know what I found?
I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,
I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.
Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:
I was worth talking to when I was quiet.
I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.
So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.
You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.
(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)
#original#social anxiety#autism#that one post#actually autistic#self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally.#social skills#socially awkward#socially anxious#autistic positivity#autism positivity#like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person#this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!'#which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but#genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think#people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that#it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are#acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice.#being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong#and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say#actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me.#i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol#like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary#doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do.#side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣.#like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me#I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY#I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing!#note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written.#tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD
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#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior#ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing#but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day#i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else#and i didn't feel it happening#my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise#i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes#this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.#eventually and inevitably i do damage.#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better#not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really#really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect#but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.#all i can ever think to do is isolate#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist#or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then
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I'm trying so hard not to give up, trying so hard not to start everything from scratch again but god....I hate art.
#I hate art#i hate being on that damn site bc so many artists have no fuckin sense#so there's NO fuckin sense of a community#everything's a competition or people feel like they have to have the last laugh instead of using their fuckin brain#and have to witness people enable that stupid ass behavior like everyone can fuck off.#I really gotta learn how to just stay in my own lil spaces bc I hate everyone rn#and now I'm starting to hate myself bc it feel like#DAMN I gotta be weirdo bc I don't have SHIT#meanwhile all them can have a whole fuckin audience#and that shit doesn't matter IT NEVER DOES#but shit like that sure knows how to make you feel like it does matter lol#I wanna give up but...I'm not#I'm so close to just stopping but...I know I just gotta find my footing#bun talks#vent
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My therapists keep telling me to stop othering myself and I'm trying but it's really fuckin hard when I'm being othered
#i get im spending a lot of time with fellow audhd and on the spectrum queers i do and i get that means compassion and empathy#is potentially going to be lacking in some ways because they are learned behaviors that do not come naturally or at all#but for all the effort i put in to getting over the sense of being 'othered' and 'the outsider' some of them do a damn good job#just nerfing the work ive done with a lot of carelessness#if you're doing a group pool of money for a gift and i offer you cash dont single me out!! as the only one!! who doesn't need to pay!!#because its cash not venmo. like regardless of the implications of it its fuckin humiliating to be singled out in a GROUP CHAT#no matter how nice you try to make it if you're ultimately saying you dont want my money#dont cut me off and cut me out at practice because you're insecure and dont want to take advice from someone who isnt a coach#don't cut me out because im one of the only people who likes and exhibits masculinity in a way you dislike.#like. how am i supposed to feel? other than humiliated and exhausted and pissed off when someone else's bullshit#is constantly overrunning everything else and everyone else#tbd im sick and i need to do my tshot and i dont want to go to practice today . this teammate sends off kill bill sirens i stg
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Me, who spent my formative years in and around a mechanic shop and in garages: “Car talk is boring. I hate fancy car culture, and I think it’s stupid.”
Also Me: -seeing the local pizza guy driving a cloth top Mustang convertible with fox body and that one delivery dude who drives a two door Plymouth Laser- “...Understand that this is not about you.”
#Lamp rambles#'But Lamp the laser isn't a cool car-'#she is beautiful to me#that and fuckin' normal sized pickup trucks#I don't want an f250 I want something that does its job and makes me feel like the love interest in a Hallmark movie#for that matter a jeep truck with the back cap still on... yes
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okay okay i'm calm. hung w friends and talked through it and everything will be fine, i know that. i am looking forward to better days
#she bork#i will be so incredible once i'm in the right line of work. nothing is ever good enough in retail and that's why i constantly feel like a#failure. i will find a place with much lower pressure and in a professional sphere where my talents and strengths can shine and my#weaknesses will be nurtured and strengthened instead of exploited and bullied. i will i will i will.#on a sidenote lol i wish i knew why i always become the punching bag at my jobs. at literally every job i've held i become a target for#harrassment and mistreatment and i'm not sure why. i'm tempted to point to myself as the common denominator but it's not my behavior or my#performance??? at least i don't feel like it is lol i will admit i have a tendency to get complacent when i'm doing work that doesn't fuckin#matter to me at all but i don't think it's to the point that it warrants like dislike and targeting lol like i still do my fucking job just#with less earnestness and enthusiasm so it's not like i'm being fucking useless. idk i guess i just have one of those faces yay me :)
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