#i feel kind of exposed sharing this ! now all of tumblr knows my deal !

[matrose]

THEYRE LIKE my two favorite sibling tropes in one. for extra damage. siblings with 10+ year age gap so its kind of a third parent situation AND siblings who try to kill eachother….my brain is going haywire. is siblings who try to kill eachother established enough to be a trope ? it is to me. i love when things are incredibly fucked up. love is there because it cant not be because theyre a part of you but also you kind of kill eachother ! uh oh !

[thisgoldendream]

This will be a difficult post. I never was a “big” blog by any means, and following my hiatus for nearly two years, the number of people who will see this is limited. My blog was highly niche after all. I also never wanted pity or to stir the pot. And I’ve always been scared of what kind of attention it’d draw.

But I feel this might be… necessary catharsis. There was a main reason, and some others I decided to do this.  I need to say why.

Apologies in advance for incoherence, and just how stupid it sounds... I do not profess myself a writer nor the best with words. It will be rambling. But I’ll try to explain the best I can because I finally need to.

I’ve had drafts about a particular vile situation sitting by that I hesitated to say anything on, since I’ve found keeping silent and pretending everything is okay and remaining unperturbed is what is typically the best course of action when dealing with trolls. And I’d rather settle things privately. Which I tried. Several times to no avail. But … silence only benefits abusers.

The primary reason is a situation that has been, mindbogglingly, having gone on for six years. All identifying information will be redacted. Many of the blogs do not exist anymore. I’ve also archived quite a bit so if this individual does cause me more strife, I will no longer have any mercy.

Many years ago there was an acquaintance—all they deserve to be called--I encountered on this site who’d message me. They’d be active on tumblr all day, and get a lot of anons flooding the dash, and once I saw them getting harassed by one and defended them. Thing is, after that I started to receive such messages from a mysterious anon and they’d complain about getting them on discord -right after- I’d get the message so it was obvious they were the perpetrator. Easy solution was to block the anon. (Those messages...somehow led to some other individual dogpiling me, but I’ll focus on the primary can of worms). Their dms were… odd and sent a lot of unsolicited fics and bragging about real life milestones that they’d end up contradicting months later. I and others who were exposed to it chalked it up to them being harmless and maybe lonely. Some of it was a bit amusing.

Eventually their many lies and penchant for drama led them to be banned from a discord and I blocked them on this site. One would hope most people take a hint at that and leave well enough alone and move on.

Not this person. Despite seemingly moving onto other things, they… keep coming back. With sock puppet after sock puppet after sock puppet.

In 2018 I noticed a blog re-blogging one of my gifs with a name that sounded vaguely familiar; it was one of this person’s many, many RP blogs. A musical-focused one. This was after I had translated Toma’s route in Library Cross and they were doing their typical talk to themselves on anon thing—having apparently watched my translation they acted like they played it, and apparently didn’t get the actual gist of what happened in the route or what the game was even like, which frustrated me. I messaged them correcting them and asked them to stop and they deleted the post and left a guilt trip message about “going through a hard time,” a pattern they always continue with when caught. To illicit pity and make the victim feel bad for them.

But what really sickened me was an “OC” of theirs I saw, using the same name I go by—Erika--that looked horrifically just like the picture I once foolishly posted in a discord they had been in, and well. It made me sick. I don’t know what to call it except pseudo skin walking and obscenely creepy.

Needless to say it greatly demotivated me from posting translations, scans, and other such things I really enjoyed sharing.

Now I confided in only two people who knew full extent of what this person’s about. But this was beyond that. I blocked just about any adjacent account of theirs I could find – discovering just how many sock puppets and fake identities they had – their disturbing preoccupation with pregnancy often a tell and hoped that’d be the end of it after privately calling them out.

For my own peace of mind I started using analytics on my blog to try to identify when this particular person and this person alone might show up; observe a pattern. I once again naively thought they’d get the hint and that all the blocks would work. In time, I pretty much narrowed down who they were. And they weren’t from the country they say they’re from, surprise to no one.

A good opportunity came about in 2020 when I was encouraged to join an otome translation group … something I’d thought about but was too timid to do, and just worried because of the previous treatment and attitudes towards characters I like on here; the more “problematic” ones lol. The rules were to work on the project you were once a week and I could be involved with Otome and enjoy playing Amnesia World alongside while translating lines. It was a win-win in a way, even if I wasn’t active on my blog.

In 2021 I saw suspicious IPs once again on my blog… and lo and behold saw some blank blog follow me which I sadly grew dubious of because of that person’s endless sock puppets. I snapped and messaged them to leave me alone once again and they denied it and once again said “they were going through a hard time,” and rambled about how they were “healing,” and said they wouldn’t bother me again.

Natural a lying liar lies, and they came back in the summer as the analytics warned me. I set my blog to login only and hid it from search engines and blocked any blank blogs that tried to follow.

I rarely logged back in on tumblr until fall of 2022, and I saw much to my happiness … some people still were liking some of my old stuff so I thought of keeping it around as a warehouse of sorts or if I ever felt like posting again.

But in early February… the same documented IPs from 2021 were on my page. Again. I blocked a blank blog, set it to private, and the next day a new one followed me again. With a similar title to my own this time? Yeah, I’ve had enough.

I’m not this person’s only victim. They infect and repeatedly act like this in just about every fandom they’ve moved onto. But I only feel comfortable telling my story.

I wised up and have kept many, many receipts and archives beyond what I have here. You’ve hurt a lot of people. And to that individual, now that I have nothing to lose and you can’t steal my content any more. If you do interact with this, you will be revealing yourself--because I will dump all I have. I was kind enough to not post identifying info but I will not be any longer. None of this is tagged with anything identifying or relevant to fandoms, either. So if you interact or come back, I will no longer have lenience...you deserve none.

My final say on this is, since it’s obvious there’s mental illness involved, I feel it’s imperative I state that I have much empathy for people struggling with mental illness. I have my own turbulent struggles with anxiety and depression. It isn’t fun. There are probably very few who DON’T struggle.

However, I draw the line malignant people who use it as a shield to excuse their harmful actions, then try to manipulate their victims.

In the sincerest way possible, go outside and get actual help.

I’ve gone to therapy to try to overcome my struggles and social anxiety. The most powerful thing I was told that my past of bullying haunted me like a shadow and to go forth with my head held high and be myself. But this affair...sadly taught me some people are out to get you.

Also... to anyone who read this, this is very, very abnormal behavior and not likely to happen to you.

Typing all this, trying to explain it...hurt my brain. I can’t even make sense of it.

---

Beyond… freeing myself from the aforementioned situation, there were other reasons I just don’t feel like continuing anymore.

Fall of 2020 and into 2021 was an incredibly hard time personally for me. I went through three really difficult losses. I haven’t really felt like the same person since. Despite therapy and grief groups...it really doesn’t feel like something you can talk about. Because from my experience, confiding in people about the trauma... reminded them of their own personal struggles. It’s been a very lonely road.

And fandom now… I just feel I don’t belong in it. At least, in the west… since I was young I always found solace in my nerdy hobbies and chiefly viewed it as entertainment. Not something to strive for in reality. When I was a kid, “don’t do what you see on TV” was common sense. “Videogames make people violent” was baseless fear-mongering. Articles in gaming magazines about Christians decrying Pokémon as satanic and churches in the south destroying merch. Ridiculous. But it seems now—especially born from this site, it seems we’ve come full circle. “If you like villains you support it IRL,” this sort of sentiment seems so widespread… and the same meme and meme format posted over, and over again, recycled and reused, from fandom to fandom, same premise. And the energy people put onto things they dislike versus what they actually love is something I’ll never understand.

This platform is very good for hosting all forms of media, much better than twitter for longhand writers and translations. But ...I despise it, how its staff ignores countless abuse reports, lets malefactors do whatever they want, and get away with it. Twitter has its own massive host of problems, but at least the phone number authentication and account lockouts slow it some.

In the past, I loved fandom for transformative works. People creating beautiful arts, writings, and ideas.  The more ideas and diverse, the better. Not the same opinion ...or headcanon spread as fact to the point it’s accepted as canon, over and over again. And when people are afraid to create things for fear of being harassed or having something other than the “popular” fandom opinion, it becomes a stagnant echo chamber.

And although I found translating for the otome group was nice…I noticed from the spreadsheet I was the only one signing in and working on it for over a year when I was on the project. And once the related project ended up being canceled due to localization, I asked what about the one I was working on… and received no reply. From anyone. I gave it two weeks. Nothing. Being ignored like that… stung. I never felt like I was terribly welcome and that confirmed it.

I’m tired. I’ll probably always enjoy otome, but I think from now on… I’ll do it quietly and on my own. Without judgment for liking the “wrong” fictional pixel men. Because that’s what it is. I just find it so...trite. I’m tired of being walked all over, I’m tired of being afraid what to say, and I know every time an empty blog followed being yet another one of that person’s alts was no way to go. That’s on me. I feel guilty for any innocents I blocked in the process suspecting it was that person... but it messed me up.

If there wasn’t a space for what I liked, I wanted to carve out one—but I don’t have that energy anymore. Provide something for other fans if they liked it. share what I love and have fun. Have some camaraderie…I truly enjoyed that. And especially to those I could call friends sand ramble with in dms without fear, gush about, really you’re the MVPS. It was a lot of fun. I will cherish it… but I could not continue. And I never wanted to burden anyone. Because none of this makes any sense to me. Sorry…

I’ve always wanted to lift others up and encourage others. Even if someone likes a character I don’t, or pairing if they’re nice—there must be something to it I can’t see, whatever floats their boat. These things...really shouldn't be a big deal. Let people enjoy what they enjoy. And others who give someone grief for it… and haunt tags, or belittle you for your hobbies aren’t worth your time. It reeks of insecurity. After all, nobody on tumblr dot com or twitter are an “educator” or superior for having an opinion on videogames. And numbers don’t matter; sure the validation can provide a buzz, but at the end of the day, it’s social media. ...What you enjoy that does.

So to end on a positive note… because I don’t want my optimism to die completely.

Find whatever you like and people who like the same thing, and make them your people. May your creativity flow ever freely. Nothing is more powerful than your own interpretation of the canon, than your own experience with it.

To roughly quote one of my favorite games of all times, “as long as you’re not doing anything wrong and nobody is getting hurt, you should just live proudly in the open.”

Edit: The only reason I’m leaving this and my one past blog title up as placeholders is because honestly. Since tumblr does nothing to limit someone from creating endless blogs and dodging blocks/reports/bans, I wouldn’t have put it past them to well, try to get the blog names. This person since then has tried to add me on Discord twice (which I didn’t... give out) in the previous year a month apart. I just want to move on.

[eva-knits12]

Here's a tip for her:

Don't put your real name on your Medium account!

I've had my fair of dealing with her, so like AB, I don't want to give her my time or my energy.

Karma will come after her like a freight train! She'll get back the same energy that she put out, and it will be an even bigger bitch than she is!

Here's my rant, and I'm not holding back. I'm going off, and I don't give a fuck if she sees this or not! I don't give a fuck if the rest of her minions block me, or block #Team Chris.

Chris is a nice, sweet, kind, gentle soul, and you and your minions rip him to shreds every chance you get. You show him nothing but hate, but what comes around goes around. You show his family nothing but hate, but what comes around goes around.

You attack people for even the most minor of mistakes. You block people because they have the nerve to ask you a question. I know you're sick of answering, and have taken your fair share of abuse, but you're now doing the same thing. Like I said, what comes around goes around.

You have blocked people, threaten to block them when they have the nerve to question something, or call out something that they feel isn't right-myself included! Guess what? You are now giving people abuse and bullying them, and you get your minions to do the same.

When someone shows the ability to think critically, and start to question things, you do nothing but attack them. Yes, we know that this is PR. We don't know all about PR like you claim. We don't know everything, we know enough to call this for what it is.

You just exposed yourself on Medium. We knew it the entire time, and you just made a huge mistake in using your real name on your account! Here's a tip: Don't use your real name on your account. We knew that you sent that BUA to the other team PR and to you, that you wrote because Chris's team won't do it right now, and expected the tabloids to pick it up.

I took journalism as an elective in high school, and even the tabloids are looking for sources. Were your sources legitimate? Or were your sources your minions? Inquiring minds want to know. We'll even figure that out, too, when you make the same mistake of exposing yourself. Tabloids, even as low as they are, also have to check with sources and publicists to make sure that everything is legit. While they can make up sources, and make up a story, they still have to make sure the story and sources is legit, otherwise they'll be sued for libel. So, no, that BUA never made the tabloids because the sources were not legit. Even if the tabloids wanted to put in a side bar, that's exactly what they have to check for, legit sources and to make sure that the story is real or believable enough for print.

While breakups sell, they're not going to sell as much as a wedding article, and those were even BS. Yet, the wedding story sold because it was enough to get likes and clicks, and so was the previous trouble in paradise articles (which are true).

So, in short, based on these Medium articles, Chris and his team can sue you for libel.

Just because you have connections to MA and industry connections, as you claim, doesn't make you an expert. I don't have connections to the rapper Eminem, yet, I do know that he lives in my own backyard-and that's all I know about him! I would never exploit my knowledge about him, and my knowledge about him is very little! The other thing I have in common with Eminem is that we are from the same suburb, and lived in the same suburb. That still doesn't make me an expert!

Someone will be upset enough to commit suicide because you attacked them. I have lost two people in my life to this, and it doesn't get any easier. Yes, you and your minions can easily push them to that point. You can be charged with murder. It doesn't take a detective to figure out that you were the one that pushed them to that point. All posts on tumblr, X, facebook, IG and other social media platforms are time stamped and date stamped, so a case can be built based on those! You've gotten off pretty lucky so far! But one day, this can happen, and you've destroyed a family.

I'm in recovery from self-harm, and you can easily push someone to that point, too. I'm glad I walked away from our argument a while back, because I didn't need to be pushed back to that place again. I had to hit rock bottom in order to find myself again. I've been clean of this for six and half years, and I've come too far to throw six years of being clean and free from this to piss it down the drain. If I did, I've pissed away any progress I made, and I've pissed away living in recovery.

You have been nothing rude and vile. You are nothing but a rude, vile, disgusting bully, and I'm sick of it! You show people nothing but undue and unjust hate. What goes around comes around!

To anyone who has faced her wrath or her hatred or have been attacked by her, I am awfully sorry that this happened to you. You are safe with us and other #Team Chris members. Please feel free to drop by at any time!

Chris is a nice, kind, sweet gentle soul who doesn't deserve the hate he gets.

Why do some blogs allow that Regina aka captregina account talk to them so rudely, she says something rude asf and people just allow it or apologize to her for asking questions, especially when she acts like she knows things. I have knowledge that she knows absolutely NOTHING.

Notice every time something new happens the narrative changes. They (her and her minions) are constantly saying it’s about to end and then something else happens and then they adjust to the new facts and again act like she knows something.

Poeplebbetter get a backbone and wake up before that account has them out here looking foolish for nothing.

She makes posts like this is about to end then when asked about it she catches an attitude..,..,because she knows nothing and can’t say when anything is going to end, she’s hoping it ends in the next few weeks so she can scream look, look I was right. 🙄😂

Please don’t be gullible people, I’ve caught that account in o e too many lies and it’s a reason her asks are off. She sends asks to other blogs and then answers her own asks. 🤣

Also funny how “Elijah” stop making posts, they had to stop at some point. She’s the ONLY one who knew that account posted and deleted yes had no screenshots, *whispers*……it’s HER!

And the tea about her just keeps flowing... 😌☕

And exactly, An🫶n. And that's also why people call her followers, her minions 😁

Just ignore her. She won't stop until she's blue in the face. Besides, she's always wrong, thinks everyone is out to get her, and hates when you question her, which leads to her pestering your DMs, and then blocking you, and telling her minions to do the same ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Rinse and repeat. 😉

Don't know about her and Elijah.

He is a cool mystery that I wouldn't mind continuing to wonder about 😆 and then hating that he somehow ALWAYS has perfect timing 😅

[alpacaparkaseok]

Could you repeat the question?

pairing: Taehyung x reader, oc x Yeonjun (TXT)

premise: a joint interview with your group, BTS, and TXT two months after you met your soulmate.

word count: 2k

[2/2] continuation of Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself

requested by anon - a picture of your request will be at the bottom of the post! 

------------------------------------------

“Please don’t tell them.”

“Me? Why would I say anything?”

“You...you have that look.”

Yeonjun whirls around to face Taehyung, who just entered the room. “Do I have a look?”

Taehyung winks at you in greeting, something that nearly makes you swoon and your group members snicker. 

“A look?” He frowns for a moment before giving his dongsaeng a pitiful smile. “Oh yeah, you do. Definitely.” Taehyung smiles at Jiwoo, my band member who is busy sending death glares at her soulmate. “He’s gonna spill it.”

Yeonjun jumps up from his seat at the same time Taehyung settles down beside you, placing his arm on the back of the couch and brushing your hair off to the side. It’s enough to make goosebumps rise on your skin, which of course he notices. 

Oh, how you’d like to wipe that knowing little smirk off his face right now. 

“I can’t believe this! I’m not going to say a thing-”

“Yeonjun, and I’m saying this with love, if you say a single thing about it, I will personally unplug your refrigerator when you least expect it.”

Your attention is pulled away when you feel Taehyung leaning in to whisper something in your ear. “So, do we know what they’re arguing about?”

You can’t help but giggle. “Nope. Jiwoo won’t say anything.”

“Neither will Yeonjun.”

The smitten couple have been teasingly arguing for the entirety of the morning, leaving the rest of us in complete and utter confusion. 

Oh well, I suppose it’ll help make the broadcast a bit more exciting. 

It’s been two months since Jiwoo and I first *ahem* teleported to our soulmates at the MAMA awards. Or rather, since I landed in Taehyung’s lap and Jiwoo was nearly knocked unconscious when Yeonjun was thrown into her at full force. Of course, Jiwoo claims that it was horribly embarrassing, to which I’m always quick to say that she should feel lucky that at least she didn’t end up in a grown man’s lap. For all to see, no less. 

Ari, our other group member, just rolls her eyes and tells us that beggars can’t be choosers. 

Yeah, whatever that means. 

The past two months have been busy, with hardly enough time to spend with my soulmate. Between the busy schedules and BTS and TXT and our own schedule, we’ve had to settle for late-night FaceTimes and the occasional lunch at the Bighit building. I’ve become really good at sneaking in and out of that building in broad daylight - so far I have yet to be discovered. 

Today, however, is an important one. It’s our first official schedule together as soulmates. Naturally, all three groups have come together for the interview/variety show. 

“Alright, time to head on!” A manager shouts into the room, and suddenly there’s a flurry of movement as we all head toward the door. “I need all the soulmates to stick to their own groups, ok? We don’t want to be causing a riot today.”

Right. With a gloomy expression, Taehyung parts from me to head back to his members. Jiwoo and I glue ourselves to Ari’s side, much to her chagrin. “Ready?”

Both you and Jiwoo respond simultaneously. “Nope.”

Ari just sighs, feigning annoyance. Together, the three of you await your cue as one by one, your groups are introduced. 

TXT goes first, the hosts making a big deal out of swooning over Soobin who now has a cult of his own due to his MC abilities. They make a show of handing the microphone over to him, begging him to take it over from there. He politely declines, while the rest of the boys bicker and chat in the background. 

Then your group is called out, and you find yourself walking out before a huge crowd. You didn’t realize that many people could fit in this building, but here they are. And all of them are here for the same reason: to get a look at the soulmate couples that have newly formed. 

And that have been trending on Twitter and Tumblr for two solid months, breaking all kinds of records. 

As BTS is introduced with an almost reverent tone, you understand why you’ve been trending for so long.

It has a lot to do with one of the men walking out right now, smiling at the crowd and waving, graciously bowing his way across the stage. 

Taehyung wears a gray casual suit which has him looking like he just stepped off a photoshoot. Hair perfectly styled and eyes glowing with adoration for the fans that roar and wave, he commands the entire room with a single raise of his eyebrows. 

Your soulmate, ladies and gentlemen. 

Today is the day where you prove to the rest of the world how much of a perfect match you are for this man. The notion is terrifying. 

“Wow!” The host, a jovial man named Donghyun shouts out, exaggerating how amazed he is by the crowd’s reaction to all three groups sharing the same stage. Indeed, it’s a rare sight. “Ok! Should we get started?”

After a few minutes of more introductions, a few cursory questions (he asks Yeonjun what he’s been up to recently and you’re pretty sure Jiwoo manages to telepathically threaten him, because he chooses the most vague answer imaginable), and instructions on how to begin the next activities, you’re off to the races. 

Painting races, that it. 

Donning a frock and eyeing the empty canvas before you, you glare at your opponent across the way. Taehyung, to his credit, refrains from winking at you. He thinks you’re adorable when you’re flustered, but now’s not the time. 

“Taehyung-ssi!”

Taehyung blinks up at Donghyun. “Yes?”

“Are you going to let your soulmate win?”

The game is simple: paint the listed object with as much detail as possible in a sixty second period. The others will have to guess what it is. 

Taehyung pouts his lips a bit, glancing over at you with a glint in his eye. “I’ll have to see, I think.”

Donghyun chuckles into the mic, turning to face you. “What about you? If Taehyung-ssi falls behind, will you help him win?”

You wiggle your eyebrows at your soulmate, heart soaring when he delivers a boxy grin. “Oh, of course not. I came to compete, not hold hands.”

The crowd bursts out laughing, and someone yells out, “I’ll hold his hand for you!”

You all dissolve into a fit of laughter at that, your cheeks blushing madly. “Yeah, thanks for the offer,” you say between giggles. Readying your paint brush, you wait for the signal. 

You’ve been given the word ‘Iceland’, which you figure shouldn’t be too hard. 

What you failed to account for was the fact that you’re perhaps the worst painter you know. What should look like a globe looks like a basketball and what should be a cube of ice instead looks like nothing more than a cardboard box. 

In the end, you’re pretty sure you laugh more than you paint. Your team members, consisting of a mix from both teams, look utterly confused at the end product. Eventually it’s Jin - who happens to be on Taehyung’s team - that accidentally calls out the answer. 

The rest of the games pass by in a blur of laughter and covert glances toward Taehyung. He always manages to find a way to make you laugh, even though he remains on the other side of the stage for the most part. You don’t miss all of the fans that look at him dreamily, and you can only hope that they’re happy with your overall performance today. 

At the end, you all squeeze onto a couple of couches. Donghyun makes a fuss over allowing the soulmates to sit together, and you can’t hide your smile as a beet-red Yeonjun sidles down to the couch to sit beside Jiwoo, placing his hands in his lap and trying not to do anything that will go viral. 

Taehyung sits on your right, crossing his arms in a way that pulls on his suit jacket enough to expose the outline of his biceps. You catch your eyes wandering, snapping your attention back to the front where Donghyun reads some questions off of a card. 

“I believe that this was the first time soulmates have met while performing at MAMA, is that correct? What were your first thoughts when you suddenly found yourselves face to face with your soulmate?”

The four of you that now have all the attention riding on your shoulders look to each other for help. Finally, with a racing heart, you answer first.

“I think the obvious answer is that I was shocked,” you smile as knowing chuckles ripple through the room. “But I was also really grateful, because Taehyung was so kind and understanding. The staff were very professional and helped us quickly. Overall, I really can’t imagine it having happened in any other way.”

There’s a few ooh’s and aww’s that greet your ears, but you look down at your lap as you blush. Taehyung slightly nudges your knee with his own, and in that simple movement you feel the comfort that he’s trying to give you. 

“I’d actually been talking to Jiminie earlier about soulmates,” Taehyung pipes up. 

“Oh, yeah! That’s right!” Jimin says, giving his friend a slap on the shoulder. “What are the odds?”

Taehyung flashes a shy smile. “I told him that I felt like I was ready. It can be strangely lonely sometimes, and there are times when I just felt like I was missing something. Now, all I have to do is pick up my phone and my missing piece is on the other side, ready to talk with me.”

Now people are really swooning, you included. You dare to peek over at your soulmate, heart nearly melting when you see that his shy smile is paired with pink cheeks. You wish that you could snuggle up to him right now, but that would definitely not end well. Instead, you lightly nudge his knee with your own, returning the little slice of comfort he provided you earlier. 

“And you two?” Dongyun asks after wiping fake tears away from his eyes. 

Yeonjun chews on his bottom lip, Jiwoo too lost in thought to notice that he has that look again. 

“I, er...” Yeonjun begins, squirming a little in his seat. “I was...really happy.”

Donghyun urges Yeonjun to continue. “Of course you were! What about finding Jiwoo made you so happy?”

Jiwoo looks up in horror, but it’s too late. Yeonjun has already opened his mouth and begun to speak. 

“I was so happy because the first thing she said to me was that she thought I was so hot.”

Radio silence. 

And then-

“Oh-ho!! Yeonjunnie you’re so dead!” Hueningkai laughs, and soon everyone follows suit. Even Donghyun has to throw his hand over his mouth to keep himself from snorting with laughter. 

Jiwoo looks at Yeonjun, who completely avoids her gaze as he stares unblinking at the floor. Then, quietly enough for nobody to hear except for you who sits beside her, she whispers, “Say goodbye to all the perishable items in your fridge.”

In the chaos that ensues, Taehyung discreetly traces circles against your arm and mumbles, “Why didn’t you say that to me when we first met?”

You smack his shoulder. “I should be asking you the same thing!”

Just before everything calms down again, Taehyung leans over to grab the abandoned canvas on the ground. Taking the still-wet paint and dipping his finger into it, he draws something out on it. Nudging you to get your attention, he flashes the canvas for you to see, hiding it from the cameras. 

It’s hard to keep a neutral expression as you see his handiwork. It’s just six words, but they’re enough to have your entire face flushed a moment later. 

I think you’re hotter than Yeonjun ;)

Stifling a laugh, you roll your eyes. “I hope you know I’m keeping that,” you mumble. Taehyung grins.

“Great. We’ll get it framed.”

A few days later, you do. It hangs in the front room of your apartment, for all to see. And for Jiwoo to loathe, as it serves as a constant reminder of her embarrassing first words to her soulmate.

Oh well. In the words of Ari, “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

masterlist

[onwriting-hrarby]

on writing, 08-04

Today, I hid half of my works in ao3. It's something I had never planned to do, but I am angry, I am sad and I'm disappointed.

As I was in the verge of tears yesterday at 2 am, I had to tell my boyfriend to already come to bed with me, because I couldn't sleep. My mind was buzzing, I was replaying all that could happen, worried that people that don't even know me would think that I'm not a good person, which I am, I always was, just because they are puritan in literature. Something so small affected me so much (major admiration to all the "big cancelled out"), because I have always struggled with validation.

He told me: When you decided to start writing this, it was because of fun. And now, you're almost crying. Is this the definition of fun? Nobody writes for themselves all the time, so I can understand that you feel that hits and kudos are important, but not over your mental health, not over the hours. You have a wonderful life outside. It's not worth it to be this sad over some people unfollowing you. You're not that. You're not Twitter, and you're more what you write, and you're more the effort that you put in it.

But I was, and I still am, sour: I spend hours every day polishing a fic that I consider it's good for free. I don't get paid. I don't get any status out of it. I do it because I want people to enjoy it.

But when you confront some comments you wouldn't like to see (even more: when you don't understand for literature the same as other people, something so basic) it drains you out. I don't have any desire to write for those people anymore. I don't even know if I want the people to read me. I am working hard. I am not doing it so that people can think that I'm just a number, a username. I am not. I am out of flesh and blood and writing is exposing that flesh and blood. In the exposing, there's so much more than just a username.

Funny is, how the first people to "cancel" and "unfollow" you are the first ones that had hate. Cyclic, I guess.

So, for now, I won't be sharing my old works anymore (something I wanted to do since two weeks ago, when I found one of my older fics in Wattpad being uploaded in a site where people PAY to read it. I wanted to take them down because I don't want to be subjected to plagiarism). As for Rotten Judgement, I'll keep on writing, and depending on how I see everything next week, I'll upload.

Damn, huge respect to all those authors who've faced hate. I can't even deal with it with just one comment and some unfollows. You're all so brave and I admire you quite a lot.

(Thank you for your messages. You've all been very kind. Tumblr is a whole other thing, really.)

[thesoulspulse]

Reconcile (Good Vlad AU ~ Oneshot)

It happened in early winter, that's all he could tell because of the first signs of snowfall outside of the window next to his bed at the hospital. Vlad had been there for, what, a month or so? Kept in isolation from everyone apart from a couple of doctors and nurses. Honestly, it was entirely possible Vlad had been there for longer for all he knew since every day blurred into the next after the accident.

Vlad couldn't feel it though, the cold, because these days his skin always felt either unnaturally chilly or feverishly hot to the touch. The only constant Vlad could feel was pain. The morphine helped ease that pain a little bit, but all that was left to feel after that was this cold numbness. And since the doctors thought he had been exposed to radiation of some kind -which to be fair they weren't wrong- no one has been allowed to see him after he was admitted there.

But still, Vlad had hoped his friends would come see him eventually. And more importantly, he wanted the chance to give Jack a piece of his mind! That...that traitor knew the portal experiment was unstable and potentially dangerous and yet he still pressed the-

“Excuse me, are you awake Mr. Masters? You have a visitor,” a nurse called after knocking on the door and poking her head inside.

At first Vlad was happy that he had a visitor, hoping it would be Maddie so he could get these feelings off his chest about how angry he was at Jack...but as soon as he saw the large silhouette waiting outside the door he knew there was only one person that would have come here to see him who had such a wide girth. It was Jack. But he wasn't ready to see him, not yet, not when all Vlad could think about is how his best friend had almost killed him...

Turning his head away Vlad finally muttered, “Sorry, I'm not feeling well. Please tell them to come back lat-ER!”

Vlad grunted the last word of that sentence as Jack burst into the room, tears rolling down his cheeks as the man called him by that ridiculous nickname of Vladdy he insists on using. Normally Vlad could shrug it off, but right now the nickname felt insulting somehow as if Jack was making light of what happened the last time they saw each other. Either way it's a good thing Maddie actually was there and managed to help the nurse pry him off, reminding Jack that Vlad's in the hospital as a patient so giving him a bear hug wasn't the best idea.

Regardless, Jack looked at Vlad's bandaged face and sobbed, “I'm so sorry V-man. We tried to come sooner but they wouldn't let us in! We were so worried about you!”

Nodding, Maddie put a supportive hand on Jack's shoulder and continued awkwardly. “He's right, as soon as we recovered from the shock of what had happened to you we immediately went looking for you but you had already collapsed somewhere. Jack was heartbroken and didn't understand what went wrong with the portal. I tried to find out too but it was no use, whatever happened fried the wiring and-”

Cutting herself off as soon as she realized she was going off on a tangent when their friend's well-being was much more important, Maddie dropped her hand from Jack's shoulder and asked with a sad smile, “How're you feeling? Have they been taking good care of you? I tried to explain your condition to the doctor but...they didn't believe me about it being related to ectoplasmic energy.”

“Why would they? As far as they're concerned ghosts don't exist,” Vlad replied with a guarded expression, unwilling to admit he tried to do the exact same thing only for his arguments to be thoroughly dismissed since he's not a doctor. “As for the rest they're...doing the best they can I suppose.”

An awkward silence filled the room since none of them knew what to say after that, but then, Jack spoke up and said, “Vladdy? Um, I know it's a bit squished but I made this for you. It's...my way of saying sorry for everything. I should have listened to you and Mads when you told me to stop.”

Reaching into one of the many pockets of his jumpsuit which according to Jack was handed down to him by his grandfather and designed after an outfit one of his ghost-hunting ancestors wore, he handed Vlad what appeared to be a misshapen block of homemade fudge. The gesture might not have seemed like a big deal to anyone else, but for Jack who absolutely loved the stuff and couldn't help himself from eating almost all of it himself in one sitting whenever he made or bought it, however, the fact that Jack was sharing an entire serving of it just for Vlad really was his way of showing his sincerity. Similarly, Maddie reached into her bag and pulled out a couple of her ghost folklore books for him to read since she figured Vlad must have been bored laying in bed all day.

Vlad was at a loss for words because he had almost given up hope that they'd ever come visit him, hope that Jack would own up to his mistakes for once and apologize. But since he did, Vlad couldn't stay mad. He wanted to, but couldn't, not since this forgetful yet earnest man had gone out of his way to finally come see him. The same goes for Maddie, Vlad was sure she felt guilty too for not stopping Jack in time since she's always been the more careful of the two when it comes to their experiments...

Accepting their gifts but resisting the urge to wipe the tears from his eyes since his face still hurt, Vlad held them in his lap and sniffled, “Thank you. Thank you both for coming. I...was afraid you had abandoned me.”

“Come on V-man, give me a little credit,” Jack smiled, gently punching Vlad's shoulder. “You're my best friend! I know I can be careless and stupid sometimes, but friends have to stick together through thick and thin don't they? We'll get through this together and then maybe we can try again with the ghost portal. We were so close!”

Grimacing at the thought of going anywhere near that portal again, Vlad was relieved when Maddie interjected and said, “Jack, don't forget that it's our fault this happened so before any of that we need to make sure Vlad's going to be ok. We don't know what that portal did to him and the doctors are only going to be able to help him so much. The best thing we can do for him is go back to square one and find out what we did wrong so it doesn't happen again.”

“Shoot, you're right. I'm sorry,” Jack apologized, looking dejected. “Don't worry Vladdy, I'll make this all up to you I promise! And we'll visit more too!”

Smiling weakly more because it hurt to move his face too much, Vlad nodded, “I'd like that.”

Soon after that, before Maddie could comment on anything else the nurse shooed them out so they could get Vlad ready for his next check up. But as soon as he was alone again Vlad reached over to set the fudge and books on the desk next to him when they unexpectedly slipped through his fingers. Blinking in confusion but brushing it off as clumsiness, he sighed and swung his feet over the bed so he could bend down to pick them up again. This time though, when he reached for them again they didn't just slip through his fingers as a figure of speech...they LITERALLY passed through them! Alarmed Vlad recoiled from both objects, his heart racing when he mustered the courage to look at his hands only to find they were translucent.

Realizing his sudden spike in heart activity would alert the hospital staff Vlad concentrated as hard as he could to restore his fingers to a solid state again. It took some effort but thankfully he managed to pull it off. It was in that moment though that Vlad realized, for better or worse, his relationship with Jack and Maddie would never be the same again...

And neither would he.

~

Note: I normally don’t write fully-fledged story content on tumblr apart from headcanon ideas or sharing updates about new chapters for my fanfics, but since I had started this oneshot before my Good Vlad AU started to really kick off and wasn’t that far along I adapted it into a special oneshot about Jack and Maddie coming to see Vlad at the hospital after the accident. I always wondered why they never did and usually assumed Vlad turned them away himself (mostly Jack) along with the doctors and his friends eventually move on and kind of forgot about him for all those years.

Either way, I wanted to see what could have happened if they managed to fix things with Vlad sooner while still on somewhat good terms before that sense of abandonment and resentment for Jack could take root in Vlad’s heart. Hopefully that comes across here in this little story snippet! I might post this on my actual fanfiction account later but for now, it’s here for you guys especially!

[baymaksu]

“The Hiro and the Lonely Princess”

“And the noble prince found himself within the clutches of the emerald beast, grasping his waist. Hard as he tried, there was no escape as it snarled at the brave boy. But-“ Karmi stopped mid-sentence as she heard the fearful whine of her son. “Kiro?”

To her amusement, the little boy began to cower underneath his bedsheet. “Should I stop reading the story?”

The little boy seemed to give it a moment’s pause to mull over that option. He’d always been so enthralled by his mother’s bedtime stories but he didn’t like where the story had turned. Kiro yelled out under the bedsheet, “Yes! N-No! I don’t know! B-But you said this wasn’t going to be a scary story!”

Karmi chuckled at the child, “This isn’t a scary story, it’s a love story between a hero and a beautiful princess, remember? It has a happy ending, I promise!”

Kiro peeked out of the blanket, his eyes were unabashedly narrowed at his mother as if she had breached his trust. “But… I..I don’t want nightmares of the monster! What kind of love story has the princess cursed to become a monster and kidnap the prince? It’s… it’s so scary and sad! I don’t like it!”

Nightmares… Karmi wore a forlorn smile at that. Indeed, she had to confront those same nightmares of that beast that was herself. Perhaps it was a mistake to share this story with Kiro so soon… to expose him to her story…

“Even stories of love and heroes have their moments of tragedy and fear, son. It’s their triumph over them that make them heroic.”

“Dad!”

Karmi turned towards the doorway, seeing her husband just arrived. His reassuring smile was infectious, it still retained that cocky yet warm presence he had in their youth. “Hiro…”

Hiro walked to his wife and son, sitting closely besides Karmi as his hand found it’s way to hers. Giving a comforting squeeze, Karmi returned it in kind. Motioning his hand towards Karmi’s self-published children’s tale, Karmi nodded and handed him the book.

Realizing that his father was going to continue, Kiro grumbled as he clasped his hands along his ears to shut out his father’s telling of the harrowing tale.

The raven-haired man chuckled at the boy, his hand fondly patting Kiro’s hair before gently loosening the child’s hands away from his ears. Hiro leveled with the boy, a gentle smile on his face, “No matter how difficult the story becomes, a hero must continue to turn the page and see the story through to the end. If you were to give up and let the story end here for you, all you’d remember is the tragedy of a cursed princess and miss the happy ending beyond it.”

The boy seemed to mull over his father’s words. To their delight, their son relented with a cautious nod to give them permission to proceed. Hiro grinned proudly, continuing where Karmi left off, “Hard as he tried, there was no escape as it snarled at the brave boy. But he would not give up on the lonely princess trapped within the beast. He placed his hands softly along its scaly arm and smiled warmly, seeing not a monster-”

Hiro looked to his wife beside him, “-but instead, he saw a strong, beautiful girl waiting to be awakened from her nightmare… He spoke directly to her, ‘You can fight this, princess! You’re the smartest person I know… You’re my friend. I… care about you.’”

Feeling the warmth of his hand atop hers, Karmi entangled her fingers with Hiro’s. Their fingers interwoven between them, sharing comfort and strength. Tears nearly welled from her eyes so Karmi closed her eyes in the hopes to avoid worrying her sweet child; who was now enraptured by the tale, their tale.

Karmi rested her head along her husband’s shoulder, lightly opening her eyes to see the drawing of a brave young boy in armor with a kind smile she was so fond of. The thoughts came to mind, My brave prince… my Hiro…

Note: My apologies for being away from drawing and writing and even away from just interacting on Tumblr as of late! Life has been a bit rougher and I’ve had to give it its due focus to get through best I can… and still am. And I hope I can change that in the near future, there are so many stories to tell and also to read from others! This is a snippet of my Futures Prologue storyline. Suffice it to say, there are some themes I want to explore and among them is both Hiro and Karmi dealing with their past demons and the role that their son plays in learning from their past (even being sucked into their past…) Hope I can sit down and write these in earnest someday soon.

[cultgambles]

Dabi headcanons in my head that i’m sharing

not nearly as many as keigo’s but its okay

also how tf y’all post using tumblr mobile ig sucks ass

Masterlist | Requests? open

LETS START IT OFF WITH: I FUCKING HATE LITTLE MOUSE. YAGAMI I LOVE U AND UR COOL BUT I JUST CANT W/THAT NAME

i think he would call u as follows,, doll, doll face, baby, princess if he’s feeling cute

something weird would be like “the fire in my loins”

he has 6’1 energy how did horikoshi make him 5’9...

saw someone’s tik tok about league of villains 2017 house party songs and his would be rockstar by posty and whenever i hear it it’s totally him

i feel like he’s an emo/rock music kinda guy

love that for us

unemotionally unavailable !!!! but i think he does crave love underneath it all it would take a long time tho (to get to that point i mean)

he’s an ass still tho

everyone says he’s a sex GOD but tbh probably not

or maybe one of those dick in the wall kinda things 😂 i could see that

he doesn’t want ppl knowing him bc 1) he’s a villain

he likes being in control. he’s tired from his dad making him train 25/8..he’s tired from being shiggy’s lacky

if u did manage to get into a relationship with him, it would def take a long time to get to that. it probably starts off with no labels/friends w bennies but down the line he would call you his girl/boy/etc (im sorry i dont know the nb equivalent..what is it ?) cuz he’s POSSESSIVE!! sorry fandom dabi seeping into my brain lol

in the beginning he was real self conscious of his scars but now he’s just meh about them

he probably does smell like burnt flesh/campfire/ashes at the end of the day

but he wears cologne to try and mask it

dont ask me what kind (maybe i’ll get to it another time and make an edit...)

sponge baths or moist towelettes to stay semi-clean

i’m not really sure how intense scars feel but wouldn’t it be like kind of numb?? i mean i can see him having to deal with chronic pain daily but idk

also i find it weird how his palms are where his fire comes out but his burns dont match up!!! 

i think his body is designed for an ice quirk, but he got cremation instead

blue is like cold 

so hot its cold type beat

i cant decide whether he has a hot body temp or cold but either is acceptable

like i want him to be snuggable

but also he can snuggle me if hes cold T^T

observant, would rather watch then act, i think he’s pretty lazy besides trying to achieve his goal. will fall asleep almost anywhere, but can also wake up fairly easily

HOWEVER, dabi knows how to play basically every instrument bc his dad’s an overachiever 

ik people are like oh its just ash in his hair..i feel like he would just dye it black UNTIL the weeks leading up to exposing endeavor/hawks

when he did his lil dancy dance 

head scritches!! 

he loves his mom i dont make the rules

[delicioussshame]

Too long for tumblr, too bad to be posted by itself on AO3, have this ABO future AU where LBH and SY never got together.

There is always something bittersweet about Shizun visiting.

Luo Binghe loves having him here. He loves that Shizun obviously feels comfortable enough around him that he doesn’t mind being in the demon realm, away from allies and friends.

He hates knowing that no matter how pleasant their time together was, Shen Qingqiu will eventually leave to return to his bamboo house.

He tries to put that last thought out of his mind and just enjoy his shizun’s company.

It’s just that there is something else going on today. Something that is incommoding Shizun. He keeps twitching as if he can’t sit still. His skin has a pinker shade than usual. His gaze sometimes lingers on Luo Binghe in a way that is very hard to ignore.

Luo Binghe does all he can to do so anyway. Why raise his hopes up at this point?

When his usually graceful shizun manages to send a cup rolling, spilling tea over the table, Luo Binghe cannot blind himself anymore. “Shizun isn’t feeling well today. Is there anything this disciple can do to help?” He can’t help the eager tilt in his voice. He wants to help Shen Qingqiu so badly. He still wants Shen Qingqiu to smile at him kindly and pet his head gently, praising him for being good, the way he used to do when Luo Binghe was still a child.

Shen Qingqiu stumbles. He flushes, embarrassed. “This isn’t something Binghe should bother himself with. It will pass. It’s just unexpected. I should have remained home today.”

That’s strange? What condition could he be talking about? “What is Shizun suffering from?”

Shen Qingqiu sighs. “Well, Binghe is more than old enough to know. He probably figured it out already, didn’t he? He must have experience dealing with this with others.”

Luo Binghe stays silent. He has no idea what his shizun is talking about, but he’s not going to tell him that. He doesn’t want to appear stupid in front of Shen Qingqiu.

“Your master is an omega. I am currently feeling the first symptoms of an unprompted heat. I was already here when I first felt it, so I thought it would be rude of me to leave without seeing you, but it’s been more distracting than I would have expected.”

Luo Binghe tries not to white out at this unexpected knowledge. “Shizun doesn’t smell like it.”

Shen Qingqiu waves it away. “I’ve always hidden my natural scent. Easier to live without attracting attention that way.”

“I see.”

Shen Qingqiu rises. “Since Binghe understands, I will take my leave.”

“Where is Shizun going!? He should be careful! His condition makes him vulnerable!” If someone were to cross paths with his shizun so impaired and decided to take advantage… He couldn’t stand it.

“Back to my peak. As I said, this is unexpected, so I have no other arrangements. It will just pass. I’ll be fine.”

“Qing Jing Peak is much too far! Shizun should remain here. I can make sure he’ll be comfortable and undisturbed, if that’s what he prefers.” It will be a trial like no other, having Shen Qingqiu so close, knowing his body is begging for an alpha’s touch, but it will be better than having him on the road, pretending to be unaffected and failing miserably.

Shen Qingqiu shakes his head. “I couldn’t inconvenience Binghe so.”

“It would be no bother! The palace has personnel used to providing adequate care for omega guests.”

“Binghe, it’s not a good idea.”

“Why not? Shizun would be safe and taken care of.” Luo Binghe isn’t letting him go, and that’s final.

He can’t make himself do so.

“Binghe, are you really going to make me say this?”

Now, Luo Binghe is confused. His master had just admitted he was going into heat? What could he find more embarrassing than this? “Shizun can tell me anything. I wouldn’t tell a soul.” He would also make sure anyone witness to his shizun’s secrets wouldn’t be able to betray them.

Shen Qingqiu rubs his temples. “You’re not the child I raised anymore. You must have more self-awareness than this.”

Self-awareness? “I don’t know what Shizun is talking about.”

Luo Binghe recognises that the gruffness in Shen Qingqiu’s voice is a mask to hide deep embarrassment. “I can’t be around an alpha of Binghe’s calibre when I’m like this. I’ll shame myself.”

It takes all of his energy to keep himself in control. Too much enthusiasm and he’ll scare Shizun away. “Is Shizun implying he thinks he would proposition me?”

Shen Qingqiu’s lack of composure gives him away. “Binghe!”

Keep yourself in check. Don’t scare him. Don’t act like this is a favorite fantasy of yours you’ve been entertaining since you were thirteen and found out you were an alpha. “If Shizun prefers not to be alone, I would be honored to be his companion.”

Luo Binghe knows that Shen Qingqiu isn’t quite in his right mind. That the way he’s responding to his overture doesn’t mean anything in the long term.

But here, in this moment, Shen Qingqiu cannot deny he wants Luo Binghe. It’s written all over him, from the heat on his face to the tightening of his fingers on his robes.

Luo Binghe charges on. “If Shizun would allow me to, I would love nothing more than making sure that everything goes perfectly for him, in all aspects.” Luo Binghe reaches for his shizun, holding his delicate, warm, trembling hand in his. “I will take him to his room, where he can safely wait for the right time to come. Meanwhile, I will discreetly arrange for all he might need, and only when this is done will I join him.” His fingers tighten their hold on him. “As an alpha, I promise I will fulfill all his needs and desires.”

Luo Binghe cannot tell if his teacher’s scent is fluctuating under the influence of his words, but he’s almost certain Shen Qingqiu can smell his own attraction. He will know Luo Binghe is honest.

“Binghe… I cannot compare to the ladies you usually spend time with.”

Luo Binghe has no idea what ladies he’s referring to. “Shizun has nothing to be ashamed of.” Luo Binghe could easily sing Shen Qingqiu’s praises for hours, but he knows he would scare him away.

“Are you certain? Binghe shouldn’t feel obligated. I can wait it out.”

Shizun, in what world would bedding you be an obligation? No one on this earth would think so. “I’m certain.”

“Then, I will be in your care.” There is a hint of hesitation still in his voice.

Luo Binghe will make sure none remains by the end. “I won’t disappoint.”

____________

Luo Binghe visits Lin Lian himself.

She isn’t startled by his sudden, unannounced appearance. She is known for taking everything in stride, which is one of the reasons why she is so good at her job. “Junshang.”

“Shizun is going into heat. Everything needs to be perfect.”

She doesn’t even flinch, never mind asking why beta Shen Qingqiu was going into heat.

Then again, Luo Binghe now suspects he probably employs a few hidden omegas himself.

“Alone?”

“No. I’ll mind him.” Luo Binghe might have banned any mention of Resentment of Chunshan from his palace, but he doesn’t expect his servants not to be aware of it. She won’t need more than this.

While Lin Lian is officially just another senior servant, she is the one in charge of omega affairs. Be it making sure schedules allow for planned heats, providing supplies for inconvenienced guests, or keeping alphas at bay where they’re unwanted, Lin Lian was the one handling it all. She, more than anyone in the palace, would know what to do.

She nods. “A sudden heat?”

Luo Binghe acquiesces.

“It won’t last long then. They show up fast and pass just as quickly. When did he start feeling it?”

“A few hours ago.”

“He’s almost there, then. No time for ample preparation. I suppose you won’t let my people in the room?”

Luo Binghe answers that question with a growl that menaces to turn into a roar at any second. No one will be allowed near Shizun in this state. Not even another omega.

“If it lasts only a few hours, you won’t have to do much. If it’s longer, please make sure he eats and drinks a bit. His heat will be hard on him. Even a cultivator should feed to replenish themselves. We keep food that is both easily eaten and kept for this kind of occasion.”

Luo Binghe hates that he won’t be able to cook for Shizun himself. The feast he’d planned isn’t appropriate for the current situation.

Later, then.

“You might also wish to bathe him, and change the sheets as he soaks. Omegas expect alphas to tend to their physical needs. Anything more can come at a pleasant surprise.”

Luo Binghe bets Shen Qingqiu won’t be surprised. He had taken care of such tasks for his shizun for years, when they were still sharing a roof.

Unless his “other arrangements” weren’t as attentive. Luo Binghe hadn’t missed that sentence. Who did Shen Qingqiu turn to in his time of need, if not Luo Binghe himself? Liu Qingge? Yue Qingyuan? Someone else, unknown to Luo Binghe?

Whoever they were, they won’t have him now.

If he treats Shen Qingqiu as lovingly as he should be treated, maybe he’ll never turn to them again. While it isn’t what he wanted, calling Shen Qingqiu his omega every time his nature overwhelms him is much better than what he has now.

He gathers everything Lin Lian prepares for him, carrying food and sheets carefully via hidden passageways. The less people knew of the situation, the better. If Shen Qingqiu’s long-kept secret was exposed because of Luo Binghe’s carelessness, Shizun might not forgive him.

As soon as he opens the door to his shizun’s room, he is hit by what he assumes must be his teacher’s natural scent, so strong Luo Binghe finds himself following its call mindlessly until he reaches Shen Qingqiu, lying on his bed only in thin white inner robes glued to his skin.

Luo Binghe unceremoniously dumps everything on a nearby table, too distracted by the spectacle of his shizun flushed and panting to care about anything else. “Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu lifts foggy eyes toward him. “Binghe…”

Shizun is calling for him. What could he do but answer? Luo Binghe climbs on the bed, throwing off jewelry and pieces of clothing as he approaches.

He freezes just as he’s about to touch. Will he really do this? Can he really, finally press his lips to Shen Qingqiu, discover the taste of his skin and the sound of his moans? Worse, will he become intimately familiar with his scent as it crescendos? Shen Qingqiu said the heat was unplanned; is there a chance their union will bear fruits?

He has to ask. “Shizun, is this really all right? Will you permit your Binghe to cherish you as you should always be cherished?”

Even through the fog of heat, Luo Binghe can tell the blush is born out of embarrassment, not desire. “Binghe! Don’t talk! Just… do what you have to do.”

It’s as much permission as his beloved will ever give. “As Shizun wishes, then.”

At least Shen Qingqiu is too out of it to notice Luo Binghe’s own nerves as he finally kisses him for the first time.

But not the last.

____________

Luo Binghe wants this to never end.

Shen Qingqiu is nestled on his chest, still exhausted from their activities. He smells different now that the heavy pull of his heat has lifted. Bamboo and orchids on a rainy day, perhaps.

Luo Binghe had been a bit reluctant to bathe him, once the heat had broken and Shen Qingqiu was close to sleep, but he was familiar enough with his shizun’s temperament to know that he would much prefer to wake up clean than still covered in sweat and semen. And what Shen Qingqiu wanted, Shen Qingqiu got.

He doesn’t quite regret it. Fresh sheets and clean skin meant that Shen Qingqiu had no incentive to wake up, instead curling up against Luo Binghe to keep awareness at bay.

It is paradise on earth, holding Shen Qingqiu such. Petting his soft hair as he wishes. Feeling his slow, steady breath on his chest. Hearing the contented beat of his heart.

Of course, all good things must come to an end. Shen Qingqiu starts to move, obviously fighting off sleep.

Finally, he blinks cloudy eyes at Luo Binghe. “Binghe…?”

Luo Binghe refuses to flinch. Instead, he tightens the arm thrown oh so carelessly across his shizun’s side. “Shizun. Did you sleep well?” Because if he didn’t, Luo Binghe will happily hold him to sleep again.

Instead of flustering, as Luo Binghe expected, Shen Qingqiu snuggles a bit closer. “Yes, but I’m not ready to rise yet.”

Ah. As far as Luo Binghe knows, it is not unheard of for omegas just over their heat to still feel bonded to their alpha, demanding closeness and comfort when they would usually demure. “We can remain here as long as Shizun wants.” His heat was too short for him to need food right now. He’ll be hungry, but that can wait.

(This has nothing to do with Luo Binghe’s desire to feed Shen Qingqiu proper food instead of aging snacks made without love or care.)

Shen Qingqiu lets out a sigh that is almost a giggle. “Binghe doesn’t have better things to do?”

Nothing could be more important than this. “They can wait.”

Shen Qingqiu… tuts? “Aren’t you the ruler of this realm? Do you push your responsibilities aside anytime you help an omega in need?”

“Why does Shizun think I do this regularly? I would only favor someone worthy so.”

At this, Shen Qingqiu does fluster. “Surely I am not ‘someone worthy’?”

Luo Binghe scuffs. “Who could be worthier than my shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu does laugh then, a light, airy thing that rings into Luo Binghe’s ears. “What a diligent disciple Binghe is, willing to take care of his shizun even in this.”

There are no circumstances where Luo Binghe wouldn’t be willing to take care of Shen Qingqiu.

But if he tells him this, he will run. Luo Binghe knows. He remembers too many of his attempts failing as Shen Qingqiu remembered something urgent he had to do, or a person he had to meet, whenever his disciple tried to express his less-than-platonic interest.

It has finally been long enough that Shen Qingqiu has managed to make himself forget. Luo Binghe cannot risk his teacher avoiding him again by being too forward.

He can, however, offer exactly this. “This disciple is indeed diligent enough that he would gladly care for his shizun again, when his proper heat arrives.”

Shen Qingqiu looks up at him from where he’s still resting against his heart. “Really? This master is grateful for his disciple’s help, but he doesn’t have to force himself by sleeping with an old man.”

This is painful. “Shizun can believe me when I say nothing about last night was me forcing himself. Or are his memories so hazy that he does not remember my enjoyment?” Because Luo Binghe would certainly not mind reminding him of it with actions instead of words.

He gets a light slap on his side. “An alpha enjoys any omega in heat. I know it’s not personal.”

Luo Binghe has to bite his lips not to cry in dismay. If anything, any alpha would enjoy Shizun no matter what the circumstance were. “It was personal for me.”

He sees it instantly. A tightening of Shen Qingqiu’s expression; his body sliding off Luo Binghe’s as Shen Qingqiu apparently decides he has had enough of lazing around. “Binghe is being ridiculous. This master is nothing special.”

He can’t let this stand. “I apologise if I offended Shizun, but he has to know I care for him deeply. He cannot consider himself as just another stranger I take to bed. His well-being is important to me.”

As he expected, his emphasis on Shen Qingqiu’s well-being, an expression of platonic concern instead of romantic interest, soothes some of Shen Qingqiu’s nerves. “Binghe is really too good a pupil. I don’t deserve him.”

Luo Binghe suddenly wonders if those words might be more than a rote phrase. “Shizun deserves the world. I’m nothing compared to it.”

Another light slap. “Really, ridiculous.” He finally lifts off the bed, looking for his robes, almost unmindful of his easy, effortlessly seductive nudity. “I’m hungry. Does Binghe know if it’s time for dinner?” He finds the abandoned snacks. “He brought food! Binghe really did a good job.”

“Shizun, no! I will go make Shizun a proper dinner. He shouldn’t spoil his appetite with these. Who knows who made them. They might be bad for him!”

Shen Qingqiu puts the bun down. “Binghe didn’t make these? I’ll wait then.”

Luo Binghe trained his teacher so well. “Does Shizun have preferences? I’ll cook whatever he wishes.”

Shen Qingqiu shakes his head. “Anything Binghe makes is delicious.”

If Shen Qingqiu decided to stay, Luo Binghe would prepare his every meal and relish doing so, as he used to do so long ago.  

Alas, Shen Qingqiu won’t. Instead, he will return to Qing Jing Peak and teach Luo Binghe’s shidi.

Luo Binghe can’t even blame him. Others deserve to have the same chance he got.

In the meantime, Luo Binghe will make his stay as sweet as possible.

Maybe if he does well, Shen Qingqiu will tell him when his regular heat is expected.

If he does really well, he will return here for it.

It’s a start.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

all gone, all gone, all gone

part 3: it will not be at all or any better

CW: kidnapping, suicidal thoughts, manipulation, descriptions of bullying, child abuse, and toxic relationship

as a disclaimer (and acknowledgement), some of the dialogue is from what I remember of the book, and some of it is based on takes i've seen on tumblr that I agreed with!

Part 1 | Part 2 | AO3 | Masterlist

Thomas never made it to the Devil Tavern that night. His throat burned when he woke, a mixture of dehydration and whatever drug had been used to incapacitate him.

“There you are,” a familiar voice drawled. “Finally. I was worried I’d perhaps gotten the dosage incorrect and killed you.”

Alastair. “You were worried about me?”

“Ha, I suppose not. Would have been a lot more work if you’d died, though. Belial surely wouldn’t’ve been happy if I killed you before he got his hands on you.” He approached Thomas with a glass of water. “Drink,” he ordered.

Thomas wanted to refuse, but he was so thirsty that he could not stop to worry about whatever Alastair may have snuck into the drink. When Alastair finally took the glass away, he attempted to regain his composure. “What do you want from me?”

Alastair shrugged. “I’m sure Belial has his uses for you. Until then… I am to get as much information from you as I can.” He picked up a knife from a table and spun it around with a flourish. “Whilst leaving you in one piece.”

“Why are you doing this?” He hadn’t entirely intended to ask the question out loud, but it hung in the air anyways.

Alastair rolled his eyes. “What, you expect me to hold some sort of loyalty to you? What’ve you ever done to earn it? You truly expect the world to be handed to you, still? You despise me, Thomas. You send me rude letters and threaten me at large gatherings. Give me one reason why I should ever choose your side instead of Belial’s.”

A wave of guilt crashed over Thomas. He knew he’d made mistakes. He was simply angry. He was never trying to hurt Alastair. Thomas wondered whether he would have treated him differently if he’d known what he was hiding. “Cordelia. What about your sister?”

He shook his head. “Before, I had all of these ideas about what I owed her and the world and what I deserved myself. I felt it sensible to give all of myself to others, to give endless compassion and protection and patience to the people I cared about and accept when they gave me nothing in return. Belial helped me to see clearly.”

“What did he do to you?”

Alastair flung the knife, it soaring right past Thomas’ head. He braced himself but never felt an impact. The blade splinted the wood behind him. “Belial made me strong,” Alastair said coolly. Thomas could tell his outburst was not out of anger; he was making a play at intimidation. Thomas would not show him just how terrified he truly was.

“You were already strong.” Thomas’ heart ached for the boy beneath this creature that Belial had created. Though that wasn’t entirely true, was it? It had not just been Belial, it had been Elias, it had been every cut and lash that had led Alastair to the bridge that night. Perhaps some inflicted by Thomas himself.

“I was weak. Love is weakness. Perhaps it is not for everyone, but in my family? In my family, the cost of love is hopelessness. All of us are destined to love those who will never truly care for us.” Thomas thought of Cordelia. Did he know the marriage had been false?

“What did you think I couldn’t see how deeply my sister felt for James? How he disregarded her over and over again for Grace Blackthorn? I understand now that the situation was more complex, but my sister did not marry him thinking that he did not love her back because of a bracelet, she believed he did not love her at all. Such seems to be our curse. So when Belial came to me, when he offered me our deal, I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to not care, too?”

“Love makes us human, Alastair.”

“Good thing, then, that you and your friends already thought me a heartless monster.”

Thomas bit at the inside of his cheek. It was true. He’d spent months, years convincing himself that Alastair was cruel and uncaring. He wanted desperately to know how he could have confused hurting for heartlessness. A thought creeped into his mind, one that had been pestering him ever since he learned of Cordelia’s letter. Had Thomas been one of those people? One of the ones Alastair gave himself to and received nothing in return? He studied his expression, but could read nothing. “It was you, wasn’t it? The person who was following me when I went out at night? You- You were protecting me.”

Alastair didn’t waver. “Perhaps I was.”

“But… why?” He was correct, Thomas had treated him more than poorly the past few months. Why would he risk his life to protect him? Why would he do it all in secret, not even leaving behind a trace of his true intentions in his letter to his sister? In fact, he was fairly certain that if Alastair had been killed, if it were not immediately apparent that he had been following Thomas, he would have assumed that Alastair had some completely separate business that he was taking care of, and they merely happened to be in similar places at the same time. Why would he do that? Perhaps he did not want to risk exposing what Thomas was doing? Or… perhaps he wanted to save him from the guilt?

Alastair approached him non-threateningly, but he could not forget the dagger in his hand. “Because you have shown me kindness in the past, and there are not many people in this world who have done so. I thought it would be most unfortunate for you to die alone, recklessly trying to repair your guilt over not saving your sister.”

“I- I wasn’t- I was just trying to find the killer. So that no one else would get hurt. I had to go alone; going in pairs or groups… it’s too obvious. He would hear you coming.”

“Is that what you told your friends?”

Admittedly, his friends hadn’t asked very many questions about his whereabouts and his actions, so he hadn’t explained it to them. He didn’t answer.

“There may be an element of truth to that, but you and I both know that’s not the whole of it. You couldn’t save your sister. The killer may not have been responsible for her death, but it didn’t matter. Evil is evil, whatever form it takes. You went alone because you knew the risk you were taking, you knew the danger you were putting yourself in, and you didn’t want anyone going down with you.”

“How- How do you know that?”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re not the only one who can be observant, Thomas.”

“I- I don’t understand.”

“Just another piece of evidence, proving human weakness. You were never going to save Barbara. You’re guilty over nothing. You risked your life for nothing.”

Thomas felt his anger rising again. “That’s not- If we had-”

“Did you think it was a coincidence that her and Oliver both got so much sicker so much faster than the others? That they were simply unlucky? There was nothing unintentional about her death. Oliver was unlucky, certainly. Unlucky to have loved her, perhaps. But your sister was dead the moment Belial marked her.”

“The welcome ball,” Thomas realized. “But why?”

“Tatiana,” Alastair answered without hesitation. “She has quite the grudge against your father. You’re the icing on the cake, of course. When your family learns of your death, when your father finally realizes why… The guilt will consume him. He will never forgive himself. Tatiana will finally have her revenge.”

“You- you said you weren’t going to kill me.”

“I’m not going to kill you, no, but only time will tell what Belial plans on doing with you.”

Thomas could find no words, only stare at him in fear and shock. That was what he wanted wasn’t it? Alastair placed his fingers against his cheek, and he flinched away. After a long pause, Alastair sighed. “Do you want to know what my favorite memory from Paris was?”

“No.”

“It was you.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Why is that? I would never tell you lies, Thomas.”

Thomas swallowed hard. Alastair’s voice was soft, filled with longing. It’s not real, he told himself. “All you have done is tell me lies! From the very beginning. I know you were in Paris with Charles Fairchild, anyways. I’ve seen the ways you look at each other. When we were together, your eyes lit up every time you mentioned him.”

Alastair hesitated for the briefest moment at the mention of Charles. Thomas cursed himself for still feeling the slightest pang of jealousy. “Pathetic, isn’t it? But no. My favorite memory,” his voice softened again, a sickly sweet melody in Thomas’ ears, “was taking you to see that film. I’d fallen in love with moving pictures during my stay in Paris. I’d fretted all night over it, worried that you would find it silly, or worse, you would mock me for it. But I wanted so desperately for someone to share it with. Charles never had an appreciation for art, not that he would have ever dared to go somewhere that public with me anyways. Afterwards, looking into your eyes, I thought… in another life... in another life, I could have been here with him.”

Thomas hated how his heart ached in his chest. He hated Alastair, even before this whole deal with Belial. That’s what he told himself, anyways. In another life… These are lies. He’s using you. “No chance we could go now then? I hear it’s beautiful during the holidays.”

Alastair smirked. He ran the cool blade lightly against the skin of Thomas’ throat. “Don’t you feel guilty, Thomas? You couldn’t have saved your sister, but you could have saved me.”

He hoped Alastair could not feel how hard his heart was beating. “No- no, that’s not true. There’s no saving someone like you.” He knew they were lies.

“No, not someone like me. Someone like him.” Alastair leaned forward so that Thomas could feel the breath on his neck as Alastair hissed, “He loved you. He would have died for you, in secret, even knowing how openly you disdained him. You gave him hope last summer. You helped him realize he deserved more than a lover who lied every time he claimed to love him, who never cared for him more than a Clave meeting and always left before the sun rose.” He frowned. “You could have saved him, if you wanted to. But you didn’t think he was worth it.”

“I- That’s not- I-” Thomas tugged at his bindings, suddenly filled with rage. “Shut up! I hate you! You now and you before! You’re cruel and callous! You never cared for anyone but yourself! Why were you even so mean to us at school? We never gave you any reason for it! Your family is friends with the Herondales; you could have at least been kinder to James.”

Alastair looked away wistfully. Thomas loathed it, how easily he replicated emotions. He felt none of them. “If you wanted an apology, Thomas, you should have asked for it two weeks ago.”

“Just explain it to me. You wish for me to feel something for the person you once were? Explain it.”

“When I arrived at school, talk about my family preceded me. The rumors about my father’s drinking, the speculation about why we moved so much. The fact that my family couldn’t afford tutors for us. I looked different than them; talked different than them. Shadowhunters like to pretend that such prejudices don’t touch them, but it’s only to make themselves feel better. I had no friends; I knew no one when I arrived. Who better to beat up than the Persian boy whose father would never show up when he was injured?”

“So you were jealous, that day after the prank. I thought you might-”

“No. I wasn’t jealous. I was angry. I was put in the infirmary for two weeks, I nearly died, would have were I a mundane, and all my father did was lecture me when I came home for the holidays about how I needed to be more careful and how much of a burden I was to him. You, James, your friends, you had everything. You had pretty homes with nice parents, parents who loved you, who cared for you. You arrived at the Academy expecting the world to embrace you, as it never had me.”

“So, what? You needed to even the scores?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. There are no scores, and if there were, I would never be able to even them. It had to be someone. It was the only way to keep them from hurting me. I had nothing, no one, but I had my tongue, and when I cut some poor student down to size, the other boys were so amused that they forgot about ever hurting me. I never hit anyone, never got my hands dirty, but it didn’t matter, did it? I was one of them. It had to be someone, so I chose you. I chose James.” He paused. “So, what about now?”

“What?” Thomas’ throat ached from holding back tears.

“Do you think I could have been saved?”

“I don’t know.” His voice was just above a whisper, more of an echo. It was the truth. He understood what Alastair was telling him. The decision he’d come to was not a rash, impulsive decision. It was one that was built up over many, many years. And with that was the knowledge that time after time, year after year, someone, anyone, could have helped, could have saved him, like Thomas’ own father had been saved when breaking free of his father, but no one did. No one noticed, and the ones that did didn’t care. “You deserved better.” A still silence fell on them. “You’re stalling.”

“How do you figure?”

“You’re meant to torture me, but you can’t do it. You never physically hurt anyone at school, and you can’t now. Maybe it’s morals, maybe your mind is still caught in your past, maybe some part of you still cares for me. It doesn’t matter; you can’t do it.”

“That’s quite the gamble.”

It was. There was no telling whether his speculation was correct or whether Alastair was about to place him on a skewer. He was simply trusting his intuition. “Prove me wrong. Hurt me or let me go.”

Alastair moved closer to him, essentially on top of him, but Thomas kept his eyes locked with his, not showing a flicker of fear. When Alastair’s arms dug in, however, he felt no stab of pain. His wrists came free. He watched as he slashed the binds at his ankles. Alastair kept his eyes on him as he left, his expression never swaying. I’ll free you next, Thomas thought.

* * *

"You let the Lightwood go?"

"He esc-"

"Don't lie to me! What, do you think you're special now? Do you fancy yourself human? Redeemable? You think yourself better, more moral, than I? You would betray me for them? You are exactly what I make you. If you wish to be sentimental so badly, you need only ask." With that Belial disappeared. The doors to the room slammed shut and Alastair nearly stumbled to ground. It felt like he couldn't breathe. It felt like- It felt like heartache.

He ran first to the doors, but he knew they wouldn't budge. There were no windows to this room and only one vent that would not move no matter how hard he tried to pry it open.

He gasped for breath, knowing there was no escape. Belial would not let him go free. Not after Thomas. He’d had a lapse in judgement, and he would not make the same one again. Alastair was trapped here, alone. Alone with nothing but the feeling of the world crumbling around him, of his guilt crushing his chest. Finally, he was all the things other people believed him to be: evil and heartless and cruel. Finally, he was all the things his father and Charles had called him: pathetic and weak and useless. Finally, he was the monster he’d always feared becoming.

There was no redemption for him, not anymore. Not after Belial. Not after betraying Cordelia. Not after kidnapping Thomas.

He looked to his blades laid out on the table. He could not leave the warehouse physically, but… He lifted one, and it felt oddly heavy in his hands. His grasp shook and he sunk to his knees. He gripped it tighter and he realized that Belial would never let him.

He had not let him die the first time, and he would not now. Belial wanted this, he wanted him to give up. It made him much easier to control. Belial wanted him to have no motivations, no loyalties, no reason to betray him. If he wanted him dead, he would be dead. Belial still had uses for him, and the only thing Alastair knew was that he could not let him win.

thanks for reading! we're almost done actually! taglist (lmk to be +/-): @jem-nasium @littlx-songbxrd @fortheloveofthecarstairs @cant-think-of-anything @vampireeugenia-deactivated20210

Part 4

[daomaikeng]

cue emotional post!

uhhhh henloe! making this post has me on the verge of tears so please bear with me.

if you think i’m making this post as my version of “emotional otb admin who confesses their undying love for other admins”, then you’re absolutely right.

can i start by saying, i love you all???? now that you know that fact, let’s go ahead. i have never celebrated pride before. it was joining the 1d fandom that led me to explore different identities, that confirmed that i wasn’t a cishet girl. the fandom gave me the courage to ask myself questions, and find answers to them. it gave me courage to change my name, my labels, my pronouns, as i kept on learning more about myself. it introduced me to the queer community, something i had never been exposed to before. i have to thank louis for this. becoming his fan has changed my life. when OTB released, it felt like my “oh” moment. though it took me months after that to actually come out, the song gave me the push i required. which is why, i was overjoyed when i got the opportunity to work on this project.

we had a shit-ton of setbacks, leading to tears and frustration and angry keysmashes. huge UAs that could have changed the course of the project refused to respond to us. twitter was the absolute worst. they thought we were trying to push the attention away from Project KMM, when in reality KMM had died before it even began. before we even began. many people didn’t even know there was a project for OTB. personally for me, it was the worst month of my life. my life was once again torn apart.

through all of this, though, this project was the thing that kept me alive. it gave me a reason to power through the worst of days. it gave me a reason to ignore everything else going wrong in my life and focus. it gave me a reason to not scream when my mother laughed at homophobic jokes, because i knew i had to stay alive for this project.

the friends i made in this time feel more like my family now, instead of my biological one. so this is a post for all of you.

@dyingstars-x : seven!! they came up with the original idea. i don’t know what queer louie spirit possessed you, but i’m so so so glad you decided to post this. that one post had my mind dancing in circles and bursting with ideas. they have been the best parent to all of us, looking over everything, coming up with concepts in a few hours’ time, keeping us sane. idek how to put it into words but mostly- seven’s contribution has been priceless.

@saintqueer : JORDANNNNNNNN!! while all the admins have been working super hard and being amazing, hear me out- jordan is the backbone of this project. she reached out to seven, and within just a few hours of us confirming the project, they got to work!! their twitter talents are unmatched, trust me. she’s been so good at dealing with the UA drama; i truly could never. they also made tiktoks!! i want to say so much but i can’t formulate my thoughts. but you should all hail jordan. they just make me go dshfdkjfkdjhskfndk

@rainboww-paradise : mimi! despite her busy schedule she took out so much time to brainstorm with us in the first few days. (we literally said hi to each other and started brainstorming for themes it was a Mess). she kept on making time to make amazing graphics, and share gorgeous ideas, as well as being a person you can always rely on for motivation.

@thosefookinavacados : A!! they made all the wonderful playlists you can use, as well as handling the drabble fest with me. we were both diving into it with no idea of what to do, but we figured it out together. they’ve been the most hilarious companion in this.

@herefortommo : emma!! she gave you the streaming updates every day, as well as making those uquizzes???? it was really fucking hard, i don’t know how they managed to come up with so much. they always shared tumblr asks and all the nice comments you left on our uquizzes, and it was so much fun to read them. she also figured out how to use shazam and tiktok and deezer 😭

@1dwoodchuck : nicky!! she handled twitter most of the time, and she was SO good at it. like, seriously. she found out more about the UEFA league and kept coming up with creative ideas for tweets. she kept talking to UAs and roped most of them in to help us ✨✨

@fishandfrog and @secretheartmp3 who both helped us a lot at the start, even though they were busy afterwards 💕

honourable mentions to @staff for including us, UnitedByPop for writing an article about us, promoting it so many times, and including it in their monthly round-up. they did so much for us. also!!!! i was looking forward to this- a huge huge thank you to @dailytomlinson , especially cristal @ltyear for helping us when literally no one would. they’ve boosted our posts so many times and supported us, and it means a lot. you’re now my favourite UA. mwah.

special thanks to @thetriangletattoo , flo, who was basically part of the team without being a part of the team. she was so so so supportive of us, making gorgeous art, and giving us permission to share it on that bird app! they always used their twitter account to use our hashtags and boost our tweets. we always shared those tweets in the server, and every time we confessed our undying love for her. they were even featured in the staff post, and that’s huge! she was literally the sweetest angel ever, and we love them a lot ✨ (ps they also introduced the found family trope to this project, so yes flo, now you are my family)

lastly, a huge thank you to all the content creators of this fandom, whether you made fanart or gifs or graphics or wrote a fic. this was all made for you. sharing love and kindness is what fandom is about, and i hope this month highlighted that. this fandom has become my home, and i’m so happy that i get to share it with you wonderful people. thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking part, giving this project your time, and making this happen. thank you to everyone else who participated, whether it was boosting tweets or streaming or simply reblogging posts. your contribution is priceless.

thank you.

love, rae

[anti-porn-unicorn]

I’m a girl (18 now) who got exposed/addicted to pornography at a really young age, and I wanted to share my specific story on this blog so that the platform can get it out there.

Under the cut is my full story, and it’s a little long winded, so if you don’t want to read the whole thing, I bolded in purple the general topic/idea of that section. Just look for whichever of those interests you and the section will be about that. The first and last paragraph are good for context and end goal, though.

Thank you.

I don't fully remember my first exposure to porn. I know I was in third grade (6-7 yrs old, I had skipped a grade). The reason I had wanted to share my story, in fact, is because I don't see many stories with circumstances similar to mine. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. Most I see have at least one of the following 'modifiers', for want of a better word. 1. The person is a victim of CSA/grooming. 2. The person was at a generally pubescent age (~11-14). And/or 3. The person experienced porn as a quick disturbance. To be clear, these stories are as valid and important as mine, and I simply think more perspectives make evidence of the effects of porn more airtight. I've never been the victim of SA, harassment, or grooming, ever in my life. My story shows the effects of exclusively porn.

The first memory I can recall about this was actually the first time I got caught. I was 6 yrs old, and very into video games,so on this day, I was playing a 3D porn game on my crappy hand-me-down laptop. I kind of knew that what I was doing wasn't acceptable, so I was sitting in my room in the corner as far from my door as possible. My mom walked in so I just slammed the laptop shut because I wasn't that good at hiding things. My mom obviously asked what I was doing, and I tried to keep her from looking, but it was right there when she reopened it. This is where the battle of it begins.

From ages 6-14 I don't have a good timeline of events but a few pop out that exemplify the severity of the issue. These are very probably out of order.

I got an iPod Touch for Christmas (~6-7), and every night I would watch porn on it until they caught on. I literally still remember some names of the sites, most that don't even exist anymore. My parents have always been amazingly caring. I couldn't ask for more. During the earlier ages (~6-8) I was put with a child therapist for fear of a deeper issue. My parents started either taking technology away in the night and/or setting restrictions on the internet. Unfortunately, between my slight tech-savvy, and my crazed addiction at this point, this wasn't a solution.

The addiction got DEEP. It warped my brain. When I had no technology, I used everything I could find.

Whenever I had access to less restricted internet, I used it. Once I asked my older cousin to use her iPod and watched it on there.(she noticed and told my mom. I remember my mom had asked me "Is there anything you need to tell me?", and I knew what she meant, but I just said "nope!" and walked away. At one point my dad's work provided him with a Blackberry, and I asked him could I play one of the built in little games. Once I had it, I watched porn. (when I gave it back to him he pressed the "back" button, and I was caught.)

I used Youtube. This was when YouTube was way less moderated (back when the app was a little old timey TV). I learned I could look up "striptease" and "nip-slip" and other stuff like that, finding more soft-core videos that could suffice when the internet in general was locked down.

I straight-up found out ways to disable the restrictions. Once I found out my mom's PIN for the controls, I went and disabled them, but changed the PIN so it would look like they were still on, and so that she couldn’t access and re-enable them. (I made it 7399. Spells "sexy". My mind was a mess.)

My parents bought a book called "The Classical Tradition". I'm just learning now as I'm looking it up that it was a Harvard Reference Library book (probably why it was so damn thick) about ancient Greek and Roman culture. I didn't know that. I had realized that sprinkled throughout the book there were pages that were more glossy than the rest, which you could see from the sides of the pages (the book was HUGE). These were the photo paper, which had the classical paintings and sculptures. And because these had nudity (Think "The Birth of Venus" type) I would regularly flip through this book when I needed a "fix". Absurd.

My parents got me an American Girl book that was made to ease worries about the developmental years. The pages on breast development / the anatomy of the vagina were what I looked at the most. When my parents had gotten me the child therapist, there was the logical fear that I might have been molested. The therapist gave me a book where there was a page with two cartoon mice, a boy and a girl. They were wearing swimwear/underwear and the point of that was "anywhere the clothing is covering is somewhere that adults can't touch you without telling.” They might as well have been stick figures, there was NO detail. But since they were in ‘underwear’ I'd always look at that page a lot. Anything barely vaguely sexual.

During this part of my life, I got no real pleasure out of this, I was just obsessed. For the first year I even watched it on mute out of fear of being caught. The lowest point during this period was when I very unfortunately filmed a video of me touching myself. I got nothing out of it and had no intent on ever sending or posting it. I was just emulating what I had been seeing. I deleted it the next day. I was 9 then.

From puberty until now (11-18) is when my sexuality was shaped by it. The addiction was far more controllable, I could spend a couple weeks to a couple months without it, but I'd always come back. Because it was now tied to my body. And while my need for it to be constant was gone, now I had to deal with the tolerance issue.

Over time what I watched became more and more depraved. I had the personal preference of hating anything amateur, because of the low quality, so I managed to avoid anything obviously non-consensual or involving visibly underaged girls, but that doesn't really mean much with the stuff the studios were putting out. During the middle points it got REALLY violent and disturbing. Bordering on torture (extreme kink) and even bodily deformation. As a young woman, I couldn't really tolerate any of the role based Kinks (father-daughter, babysitter, schoolgirl), so more extreme for me meant more extreme acts. Just absolute destruction of women's bodies for the purposes of sex. I moved away from that when tumblr banned porn and I started using reddit for it, and also during that time I was realizing how fucked up of an addiction that this was, even before I found feminism/anti-porn. I actively started trying to quit it, for good. But I always went back.

One big effect is heavy confusion with my sexual orientation. A lot of people face this, but the addition of porn for me really throws things off. Like: Am I bi, and a form of comphet/denial/inexperience keeps me from seeing women in a romantic way? Is it a mix of that and porn? (relatively likely) Or am I just straight, and the porn has completley shaped my mind (likely). 90% of the time I watched solo female content or lesbian content, and could only stand to watch certain specific forms if it included men at all. In real life I find a fair amount of men attractive but their bodies in a sexual sense are tolerable at best, but usually cringe inducing. l've never been attracted to a woman romantically, but exclusively women's bodies are sexual to me. It feels like everything in my brain that I would have been able to use in order to figure myself out has been permanently overwritten with incorrect information. Because of porn.

I've still got it bad. Every once in a while, I’ll read something vaguely sexual, or see a woman in a risque photo, and then the seed is planted. I'll always say "I'm not going to do it, I always feel disgusting after, it’s not even really enjoyable at this point, I can do better than this”. I always give in the end of the night. I'm 7 days off of it. I've been on this earth for 18 years. 12 of those years I've been cripplingly addicted to pornography. Two thirds of my life, and for as long as I can remember. I can never undo it. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, only able to achieve remission, I will always be a porn addict. I have to be careful. But I have to hope for the future. And with finding the community that is speaking the truth about this, I'm heartened to do better. To no longer be held down by an addiction to consuming my own oppression.

[whyqueerbaitingisbad]

movies & shows

cracks knuckles* alright this is going to be more of a rant than an analysis because i’m basing this on both my research, but also how it felt to personally be baited by these shows. there are obviously more pieces of bad (almost every horror movie) and good ones but these are the ones i’ve watched.

please keep in mind that i am but one queer and everyone has different opinions.

Supernatural (CW) 2005

This show is 15 years old and just ended. From season 5 till 15, there has been tension between two of the lead characters. They were constantly shipped together and not only did the entire fandom know about this ship but so did almost all of Tumblr. On top of that, the actors and show runners knew about it as well. Which is why it makes it ridiculous that it was constantly pushed aside while the romantic coding  kept happening, even after show runners dismissed it as being intentional. The Destiel (Dean x Cas) case has been going on for years, and as the show came to its end, many fans had hope. But N O P E. Instead, we got a love confession from Cas where Dean looked like he was near constipated and the Cas was killed and sent into a fiery place that was not hell but s u p e r  h e l l.

… w hy.

Sherlock (BBC) 2010

Just like Supernatural, this show was renown on Tumblr for not only how good it was, but its hinting at a potential relationship between Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. But again, like Supernatural, the intentional tension between the two characters was denied by producers. This caused an uproar within the fandom, and even left some people believing that, after the last season aired, it had been a joke and the producers were hiding a “secret, unaired season” because they had felt so robbed by this show that had implied something and denied it.

The 100 (CW) 2014

We got lesbians. We got background gays. We were happy. Then, all of a sudden, one of them is killed for no reason. Did it advance the plot? No. Was she fighting and died in battle? lol no. She was doing literally nothing and got shot and died. And then the producers kept bringing her back once a season in the form of a ghost or illusion because why? Because she was a fan favourite queer character. ✨bury your gays and sparingly bring them back for profit anyone?✨

Voltron: Legendary Defender (Netflix) 2016

*deep breathe* This one is a special disaster. Not only was there romantic tension and romantically coded scenes for 7 seasons, but producers, voice actors and artists working on the show repeatedly said “don’t worry klance (Keith x Lance) shippers, you’ll be happy”

. … w h e r e??? You code one of their scenes with a sunset in the background while they talk about love and then one of them goes on a date with someone who has declined his advances for 7 seasons but now in season 8 decides to do a full 180. Not only that, but you announce at a Comic Con (a convention) that a character is gay and has a fiancé, only to kill off the fiancé and never make it explicit in the show except at the last second of the last episode where he marries a no name character. 

Personally, i’d like to say a big fuck you to the show that strung me along for 2 years and never stopped saying we’d be happy to then pull the rug out from under us and call us crazy for thinking anything from the past 8 seasons was intentional.

Scooby-Doo (2002) 

While not being outwardly queerbaiting, this movie’s filmmaker has just revealed some shocking news, which wasn’t at all shocking to the gays who had watched this movie over the years. In July of 2020, James Gunn, the filmmaker of Scooby-Doo, revealed in a podcast that, initially, Velma was explicitly gay in his script, but then the studio watered it down until it became nothing. This isn’t an example of baiting as much as it is changing a character’s initial design to “better fit an audience”. The worst part of all this is that with Velma’s character having been written with a l i t t l e queer subtext, people had been theorizing about if since the movie came out, but were always yelled at by the internet for “imagining something that isn’t there”. But now, even with it being said that the initial point was for her to be gay, people have no objections to still refusing to accept it. Why?? So we can’t get the subtext gays OR the confirmed gays?? Make it make sense.

Brooklyn 99 (NBC) 2013

To have the queer characters firstly introduced without mentioning their sexualities and have it brought up naturally was so goddamn nice to see, because no one does a big deal about it unless they ask for that. This show is amazing in general but the way they show their queer characters is *chefs kiss*.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power (Netflix) 2018

This. Show. My heart SOARS. It's just a remake of an old show so absolutely nothing was ever expected, but then it was sprinkled in and ENDED WITH A BANG. And it was so beautiful and real to see the struggle of two friends who care for each other and want to be together but have different visions of the world fall in love. And they also had characters with disabilities, a non-binary character and jUST SUCH A GOOD SHOW.

Kipo and The Age of Wonderbeasts (Netflix) 2020

This is a case where you go into it not expecting anything and are BLOWN AWAY by the bare minimum. And not because it’s bad!! It's mind blowing because this is the simple representation we need!! Not something over the top, but an every day relationship. It’s just two boys falling in love and going on dates and being nervous around each other, yet i was so stunned. Because it’s not shown enough. I should not be this excited over something that should be this normal. 10/10 though this show is so good for all kinds of representation.

Steven Universe (Cartoon Network) 2013

This show did so much for queer representation with its general message of loving everyone and loving who you want. Especially since it was aired on Cartoon Network, a channel for kids, it was able to help normalize something so looked down upon in some circles. It made it easy to watch for s o m e people because it's a cartoon but it's so beautiful to see these ladies so in love with each other, both platonically and romantically and we see them have a family dynamic that isn’t a “nuclear family”. Rebecca Sugar (creator) really said “lemme just break all stereotypes real quick”.

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network) 2010

It's the “knowing a fanbase shipped something so hard that the creators made it canon” for me. This relationship had been theorized by fans for years, but it had never been explicit in the show. When the finale episode came out and the two shared a kiss, it was a moment of celebration. The producer of the show said that it had not really been planned but when the episode was being made, the choice of what happened was given to one of the artists (bless your soul Hanna K. Nyströmthe). And as the show releases little bonus episodes, its latest was centered around Marceline and Bubblegum and their relationship. AND WE LOVE TO SEE OUR DOMESTIC LESBIANS BEING HAPPY AND IN LOVE.

Yuri on Ice!!! (anime) 2016

The fact that an A N I M E gave us a love story between two men is mind boggling and it makes me so happy!! Especially because it's a Japanese show and they’re very conservative about these things just makes it more emotional. The creators said they wanted to make the anime take place in a world where gay/straight isn’t a thing, it’s just love (ladies, you’re going to make me cry). So as the weekly episodes came out and fans start speculating, THEY GAVE US THE LAST FEW EPISODES FULL OF ROMANCE AND EMOTIONAL SCENES BETWEEN THE TWO AND THEN THEY GET R I N GS?!???!! You watch for the figure skating, you stay for the figure skaters that are in love.

Shadowhunters (Freeform) 2016

*insert me being frustrated that the actors are straight so we can move on from that disappointment*

This show really said “let’s name a whole episode after this couple because they deserve it”. But seriously, they gave us two characters whose entire plot does not center around their sexualities while still showing us the differences in a relationship between someone experienced and someone new at this. They were both powerful and amazing characters apart from each other, with their own story lines and goals but they loved each other so much omgs. SO MUCH. 

It was so great to watch.

Love, Simon (2018) 

There’s a lot of disagreement on whether this movie is good representation or not. However, we need to take into consideration that this was Hollywood’s first movie with a main character that was gay, where the story’s focus was on Simon’s love story. The biggest problem, for me at least, was that the actor playing Simon is a straight man and not queer. My problem is not with him, but the fact that there are other actors that are gay and that could have played Simon just as well. (the love interested was however played by a queer actor so ✨progress✨)

All in all, this movie does represent what a lot of queer kids have to go through: being outed at school, how they then come out, the bullying and doubt they go through.

The book is also really good.

Call Me By Your Name (2018)

This movie is so aesthetically pleasing and was able to capture the confusion and heartbreak felt by a boy who’s struggling with his own feelings towards a man. His inner conflict and joy and l o v e he feels but doesn’t know how to deal with is so well communicated through the screen and just breaks your heart because it feels so real.

But again, they could’ve gotten gay actors to play gay characters…

through having this list here, i want to show you that it’s not hard for creators to give good queer representation. the LGBTQ+ community isn’t asking for much, we just want to be well represented on screen as just a regular character, not some token queer kid there for the diversity points. having been exposed to so much queerbaiting and just not seeing any representation on screen, i always get over-excited when i see a queer character, and that’s not how it should be. it should be a normal thing, something you can find in most pieces of media, just like there’s a straight white cisgender person in everything.

and they seriously need to start casting queer actors for queer characters...

[jadegrey711]

Fuck You. As You Wish

Caliban x Fem!Reader

A/N: Hello everyone and yes i am jumping so hard on the hot ass clay boy train called Caliban. Because damn... like honestly i got this idea becasue everytime Caliban called Sabrina princess i just wanted them to hate fuck on the throne.... so i made it myself. But with no Sabrina. 

*NOT MY GIF* If you like my stories you can check out my sideblog @jadegreywriting​​ to see all of them and my masterlist without filtering through my main blog.

I own all rights to this story and do not give permission for my stories to be published, translated or reposted anywhere else. The only places I have published my stories is here on Tumblr and on my AO3 account (LadyAuthor711) 

This story is for 18+ ONLY. It contains sexual themes that are not suited for younger audiences so if you’re under 18 my blog and this story is not for you. Please make sure to read at your own discretion and remember that you are solely responsible for your content intake. 

You stared up at Caliban, sitting on the throne of hell with complete and total hatred.

You had accepted his proposal; a partnership in finding the unholy regalia. And the deal of that partnership was that when you both found the last piece of the regalia you would unite in marriage and rule hell together. Caliban promised that he would stay in hell and wouldn’t try and rule all of earth, in exchange for you staying as well; being his queen and ruling by his side.

But he only kept part of his promise, sure earth was safe and you were here with him, but you didn’t rule. No, that was a joke, you were queen sure. A queen who flounced around in sere silken dresses at the pleasure of the king, becoming his arm candy for the infernal courts. He wore the crown and sat on the throne and commanded legions, whilst you stayed obediently by his side, your presence a mere joke; and you hated him for it, for everything he did and especially every time he called you princess. But what you hated most of all; was the effect he had on your traitorous body when he called you princess, and when he commanded those infernal legions from his throne.

Caliban turned his head to meet your hateful gaze with a smirk. “Something amiss Princess?” He said his voice sending an unwanted shiver down your back.

You fought back the snarl that was forcing its way past your bared teeth. 

He titled his head at you. “Do you really hate me so much? I kept true to my word the Earth is safe.” He said as he got up from his throne and began to slowly step down from the dais until he was only a step above you. 

“And your here as my Queen, dressed in Hell’s finest.” He smirked as he cupped your cheek. “What more could a princess like you possibly desire?”

“Fuck you Caliban.” You whispered harshly.

“Is that what you want, princess?” He said taking his hand from your cheek and grabbing your chin, making you look at his face. “Do you want to make me pay for stealing your throne and crown, princess?” He asked with a sultry voice his eyes filled with lust as he bit his bottom lip, staring at your lips. “You can, you know. I’d eagerly take any punishment you wish to dole out my queen. I can take it.” 

You fought back the reaction your body had at him calling you ‘my queen’.

“I’d never do anything as foul as that with you.” You snarled, but still let him keep your chin in his embrace.

He smiled his bottom lip still between his teeth. “Such a fiery hell cat my queen is. What punishment would you inflict upon me?” He asked. “Would you take your revenge upon me on the very throne I took from you?” He said his lips getting closer to yours until you could feel his exhales became your inhales.

“Oh yes, I can see that is exactly what you desire.” He said, his lips already brushing against yours as he spoke again. “Take it my queen.” He said harshly. “Take your revenge on me. I can take it.” He said and almost as if something snapped within you; you kissed him.

He didn’t spare a second as he wrapped his arms around your waist and deepened the kiss, snaking his tongue into your mouth, your tongues wrapped in a sinful dance of pleasure and dominance. You felt your hatred subside for now as curled your fingers into his luscious blonde locks since the moment you first met him, almost as if you were trying to bring him closer to you than he already was.

Maybe it was the fact that you had been down here with him for God knows how long. Leaving you alone, with only him and the eternal darkness for company. But you longed to be touched, to be needed and caressed; maybe that was his dark plan all along; not becoming king of hell but keeping you here all for himself alone and isolated; waiting for the moment that you would jump into his arms seeking the comfort you so desire, even though you’d deny it to him at every turn. You had to applaud him on his will power, you shared the same bed in the royal chambers, he could’ve taken in you in the midst of the shadows and there were some nights that you were sure you would’ve let him.

He pulled away from your kiss, both of your breathing heavy, his green eyes were dark, he gave your lips one last peck before he grabbed your hand and led you up the dais.

“Caliban.” You breathed out as he sat on the throne, his hand still gripped in yours, as he guided you till you were straddling his lap. “What are you doing?”

He sighed softly and ran his large hand up your neck, and buried it in your hair, pulling softly but enough to elicit a moan from your lips.

He watched you intensely. “How long I’ve dreamed of this, having you here in my clutches and all mine.”  He purred. “And I know that you’ve dreamed of this too, Y/N.”

“No.” You lied, not wanting to boost his ego any more than it already was.

“Don’t lie to me, princess.” He said as his grip on your hair became tighter, earning another moan from you. He leaned forward and ran his lips down your neck, giving you sweet kisses and that sent your body into a raging fire that was hotter than anything in hell. You rocked your hips into his, already feeling how hard he was for you, but you knew he wasn’t going to do anything about it until you admitted to him that you felt the same.

“Caliban.” You whispered, still grinding your hips against him, trying to get any kind of friction. “I-I do.” You breathed out. “I have thought about you like this so many times, seeing you here and commanding legions, I-” Your own moan cut you off as Caliban reached under your dress and palmed your sex, making you through your head back and cry out.

“Hold nothing back, Y/N, take everything from me on this night. Rob me of my strength, my power, and my heart. But do this and then be my queen.” He breathed out, watching you writhe under his hand as he worked your clit with his large fingers. “Truly be my queen, stop fighting me, and give in, princess; rule with me at my side, forever.”

“Caliban.” You moaned out, feeling your first orgasm build at the ministrations of his fingers. You clutched him closer, your fingers curled into his shirt; and suddenly it crashed over you. Caliban held you close and kissed you, eating your moans as he finished working you through your orgasm. When he let you go you slumped your head against his shoulder.

“Do you want more, princess?” He breathed out, petting your hair and keeping you close.

“Yes.” You said breathily as your hands guided down his chest, before you ripped open his silken shirt exposing the smooth soft skin underneath. You sighed and ran your hands gently down and back up only to repeat the motion; only this time you scrapped your nails down his smooth chest earning a moan from Caliban.

“Do you know how much I hated you for making me some silly arm candy in front of the courts?” You said as your nails dug deeper into his chest, earning you a low hiss. “Making me wear these silly fucking dresses. Having me sit at the bottom of the dais.” You let out a breath, as you soothed your fingers over the deep red marks on his chest, before digging your nails in again. “But what I hate the most is when you call me princess.” You paused.  “And how fucking wet, I get every time you do.” You snarled, kissing him deeply and pulling on his bottom lip with your teeth.

Caliban let out a low growl and he grabbed the hem of your silken dress and ripped it clean down the middle, earning a gasp from you.

“There’s my queen.” He smirked, as he grabbed your hair again and pulled back, exposing your neck to him. His soft, plump lips assaulted your skin leaving marks down your neck, on your collarbone and on the tops of your breasts before he ran his tongue around each of your nipples; making you arch your back harshly.

“Caliban.” You moaned. “I need you, now.” You commanded and felt Caliban immediately; his dark green eyes meeting yours.

“Of course, princess.” He said and watched as you went for his pants, pulling the silken strings and parting the material and Caliban’s hard length sprung free, eager and waiting. You took your hand and ran your thumb over the tip of him, spreading his precum and coating him in it. You looked down at his hard length and licked your lips before you looked back up at his lust filled eyes.

“Maybe another night.” You smirked and the look Caliban gave you promised you that that other night would have you choking on him and having you bent over the nearest surface.

He grabbed your hips, harshly and guided you to him, the both of you letting out atrociously loud moans as you sank down onto him. You wrapped your arms around his neck, burying your fingers in his blonde locks keeping him as close to you as possible, feeling like you were about to explode from the pleasure of him filling you alone.

“Caliban.” You moaned out.

“Dole out your revenge my queen. I can take it. Use me.”

You could’ve come from his words alone, but you did as he instructed you took all of the hatred you felt for him and fucked it into him. As you picked your hips up and slammed him back into you, earning a delicious cry of pleasure from Caliban.

He kept his large hands on your hips, keeping you steady as you fucked his brains out on the throne of hell. You felt his fingers dig into your hips knowing that they’d leave yet another mark on you, claiming you as his, his queen only spurred you further,

Your hips started faltering as you grew tired, your legs burning as you continued to chase your high, suddenly though you felt Caliban’s hips thrust up into yours taking control of the situation. But as you were reaching closer to your climax you let him, clutching him closer to you as you finally fell over the edge screaming as your climax washed over you. Caliban was soon to follow you into that sweet oblivion, pulling you in for a kiss, his tongue plundering your senses. Both of you were panting as you came down from your highs, Caliban’s hands ran up and down your bare back soothingly, as you kissed his neck.

“You still hate me princess?” He smirked.

You pulled away from his neck and looked into his now jade green eyes. “Maybe a little less. But I think this might have to be a daily ritual of ours.” You smiled.

[nightswithkookmin]

GOING ON A HIATUS

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.

I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.

But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.

For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...

I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol

I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.

The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?

While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.

It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.

They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.

Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.

The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.

I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.

My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.

But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?

This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.

You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.

Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.

I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.

The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!

The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.

Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.

As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.

We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.

The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.

He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.

Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.

I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.

When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.

I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?

It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.

Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.

I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.

My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.

However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.

This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.

I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.

This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.

As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.

If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...

But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!

Do you.

But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.

Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.

I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.

I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.

Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.

I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.

Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Until we meet again.

Signed,

GOLDY

[samwritesforyou]

We’re gonna be okay

Diego x reader

Summary: You and Diego worked out a system for a situation if he ever comes to your place while being in the highest form of distress and needs your help. He assured you it won’t happen often. Until one night, it finally did.

A/N: i feel like i’ve read the whole tumblr dot com worth of diego x reader fanfics and yet i still wanted more, so the desperate need to finally write something myself has been fulfilled. i would actually love to take requests, so if you want, dont hesitate to message/ask me! im ready to write fics and headcanons :) (my blog might seem new but ive been on tumblr for years and years and i finally dedicated a new blog to mostly reader inserts, either my own or reblogging others)

Warnings: Mentions of a panic attack, gender neutral reader

Wordcount: 3,350

There was a knock on the door.

It was pretty late, but not too late for it to be Diego yet.

Or so you thought.

You got up kinda lazily from a comfortable chair you had situated in the corner of a room, at first designed mainly for reading or napping, but ending up doing absolutely whatever you could on the spot. Eating pizza, watching netflix, browsing through the internet after long working hours that you put in into your tiny art selling business.

You slightly opened the door and already plastered a semi-fake smile for a possible neighbor, but in front of you stood Diego.

Your dear friend, who was at the moment soaked from the rain outside, with big eyes, fast breathing and bloody hands.

Bloody hands?!

“Hello to you too, friend!” you said quite worried, quickly patting him down for signs of any physical pain. For the first time in a while he seemed fine, unscarred.

Your eyes finally went up, literally scanning his face but it was completely unreadable.

His eyes were wide and he looked as if he couldn’t comprehend what was going on around him.

You looked down again and took his fists into your hands. His own palms unclenched and you could see that they were heavily bloodied.

“Diego.. whose blood is it?”

No answer.

You rushed him inside and closed the door behind the two of you, facing the damn vigilante again.

“Diego, I need to know who’s blood is on your hands,” your voice grew steadier as you knitted your brows together in worry and confusion.

Only then the guy decided to move his arms and you noticed how shaky he is. He connected his two index fingers in the form of a cross, pressing it to his chest.

Your own eyes went wide now as you stumbled back a few steps and your mind went blank.

.

.

.

You instantly remembered a night that happened a few years back. He has come in crumbling through your window and was obviously in some new form of distress, that you couldn’t quite understand yet.

“Diego?” it seemed like your voice didn’t reach his ears, so you tried calling out his name again, getting up from the couch and patting him lightly on the body, to determine any sign of an injury.

It looked like there was none, so you tried to reach his gaze that was somewhat absentminded, all over the place, scanning everything but not meeting your eyes.

He was a tough guy, and you knew it. You knew that if you want to get answers, you need to either get them yourself or make yourself heard, until he cannot ignore you any longer.

“Diego Hargreeves, what is going on?” your voice was soft yet determined.

His dark orbs finally stopped on your face and he just shook his head, his breathing oddly fast for a man who was just simply standing.

You continued to push. You didn’t have the best day either, and to be interrupted at 1am by his visit was nothing new, but you couldn’t let him have this behaviour. Even though you’re friends, that didn’t automatically mean that he could do whatever he wanted.

Throughout the whole night he didn’t say a thing, but when you started adding volume to your voice, he.. he just broke down.

That night, you’ve witnessed Diego experience a panic attack. Caused by yourself.

You couldn’t fall asleep that night, even after you eventually calmed him down and the only thing that was left to do for you was to watch him sleep and slowly rubbing circles on his exposed arm out of the blanket.

It felt like neons before you noticed a first ray of sunshine drawing from the half-closed curtains, making you spring to your feet and drag your ass to the kitchen, trying to think of what to do for breakfast.

When you figured the recipe out and finished cooking, Diego was already up and joined you near the kitchen counter, next to which you had two stools.

He settled on one of them, looking at you.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you couldn’t muster anything better, so you just put a plate in front of him and then sat next to his side, simply digging into your portion of scrambled eggs.

“About last night, y/n..” he drifted off, probably at first deciding that it’s better to fill his stomach a little bit.

In the meantime you didn’t dare to speak up and just waited for him to say something, anything.

When he finished his meal, he finally turned to you with a sigh.

“You know that one guy I told you ‘bout? That we.. we do some vigilante shit together from time to time?”

You just nodded, not meeting his eyes.

“Well. I guess I could count him as a close friend. You know.. and,” this was followed by a slight pause and clearing of the throat.

“He died yesterday. I couldn’t save him.”

Your eyes immediately shot up to Diego and all that vulnerability and hurt that you’ve clearly seen yesterday just overtaking him were completely gone. Now present only a strong facade that he mastered whenever he needed to hide from showing emotions. You hated it.

“Shit, Diego..” you spoke quietly and softly, all the words seemed to have left you in all the things unsaid in your throat. But you tried to continue.

“I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry for pushing you over the edge. I.. I didn’t know what happened so I just acted how we would normally do,” he smirked at that, merely for a second, but you still caught it.

“Look, I.. I know, “ he simply said and then it felt as if he was weighting pros and cons of telling you something else that was clearly on his chest.

“You always help me out. Every single night I come to you.. Why do you do it, y/n?” Diego’s eyes were steadily turned your way.

At the sudden question you raised an eyebrow, “well, I.. I care about you.”

He lightly bit his lower lip and turned his gaze away, clearly thinking about something really hard.

“Okay,” he finally said, “y/n, do you think I could ask you for a favour then?”

At that your eyes met and you felt nervous, for some reason.

You really liked him. Not just like a friend. But you understood that there probably won’t be a chance for you two to ever become a couple (mostly considering that you didn’t believe that he could feel about you this way), so you settled for friendship anyways, since you two really got along well.

And having this handsome tough guy as a friend? Damn, just that is already some kind of luck swinging your way.

But your feelings of course meant that.. you’d do more for him than what you’d do just for a friend. You would get out of your comfort zone just to help him with injuries or hear him talk about his girlfriend (at the time, now they were broken up) and how they argued so much that he ended up on the streets and didn’t really want to go to his lonely place at the gym.

And you took him in. You always did. And since the day you became friends you always care for him.

And you’d care now once again.

“What is it?” in your tone danced a question, troubled with what he might ask for.

“Well, yesterday-“ he cut himself from finishing and cleared his throat, starting over.

“I imagine we’re gonna be friends for a long time, right?”

You just pushed your brows up with a small nod in affirmation.

“I never had.. anyone, really, to help me with the states I often got into,” you immediately thought of Eudora, wasn’t his ex-girlfriend supposed to be his support pillar? Or is he just making you feel sorry for him-

“Or I didn’t ever trust anyone that much, you know,” oh, okay, that kind of explains that then.

“And I guess.. I trust you enough? To share this?” he talked quietly and mumbled a lot so you realised soon you won’t be able to hear him at all.

You grabbed his hands with yours and caught his attention this way.

You were never really touchy together, but occasional hugs and even holding hands was kind of a standard for you from time to time.

His eyes met yours again and you cursed yourself for your heartbeat getting faster. This is not an appropriate moment to get butterflies in your stomach, dammit.

“I’m listening, Diego,” you confirmed, nodding again.

“Okay. It’s- it’s just really h-hard to talk about this,” he stuttered a bit, but with the next breath continued again, “When there’s some situation that’s just completely fucked up, like losing someone close to me, or- or somethin’ else, I don’t know.. I finish what I need at the scene where it happened but when I come home I just,” he breathed some air in and you felt his hands squeeze yours a bit tighter, “I just break down, you know? Sometimes it’s just all too much for me and I don’t know how to deal with it and I would just wanna.. someone to hold me, I guess? Otherwise when someone’s trying to talk at me or somethin’ I just get even more worked up and it’s even worse.”

It all started to come together in your mind. Even though it sounded really strange to hear Diego talk about things like.. wanting to be held and shit. But you always guessed there’s a far bigger sweetheart and a soft boy underneath all those harness and knives.

You tried to pick your words carefully.

“So when I started to ask you shit.. You just flipped. Basically because I was talking at you a lot and you couldn’t take it anymore, right?”

He sighed and looked somewhere up, nodding bit by bit.

“Yeah, yep. That was it.”

You clapped at his hands lightly, to bring his focus back again and he looked at you and mustered a sad, faint smile.

You did the same. In the world you lived in, unforeseen and unfortunate events were happening left and right and thinking about his childhood and everything.. no wonders he developed such a huge reaction and coping mechanism to something catastrophic happening.

“That’s okay, Diego. I’m here for you, I mean it. Let’s just talk about some things what I should and shouldn’t do when you come here in that state, alright? I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“Alright. Thank you, y/n,” he was looking down now, the whole morning kinda failing to meet your gaze and just rubbed his thumb across your hand, which send you heart into a race again.

You slowly let go of him, making an excuse to go wash the dishes.

After a while you looked behind you where he sat and said, “We also need some sort of a sign that you can easily show me, since you’re not really talkative when you get like this.”

Apparently he already used said “sign” somewhere, because he had it on the ready.

It was his hands clutching in fists, index fingers crossing each other in a form of a cross, pressed to his chest.

“Something like this. But don’t worry, I don’t think it’ll happen often. That would be really sad,” he laughed a little and then looked at you somewhat longingly and you averted your eyes back to the sink, nodding.

.

.

You almost forgot about that and now it all come flooding back.

Something terrible must’ve happened. You were panicking, but you had to stay strong, for him.

He was still standing in your hallway, with a crossed index fingers pressed to his chest.

“Okay, okay..” you mumbled more to yourself than to him, taking his hands into yours and looking him up and down.

He really seemed.. disconnected. It was kind of scary and you tried so hard not to think about what happened. Or about who died.

“Here, come with me, Diego,” you led him by the hand towards your couch as he was holding onto you, but his usual grip was gone.

You both ended up on a sofa and you really didn’t know how to act around him now, because.. he didn’t talk, didn’t look at you but when he did, his eyes were wide and big and he just seemed suddenly like a small boy to you.

Hopefully he won’t remember this tomorrow, you thought and tried to smile a little bit at him.

“Okay. Can you get your hands up for me, baby boy?” You’ve decided to approach this situation as if you were just babysitting an overgrown child.

Because nothing bad happens to children normally, right? And if you kept thinking about him as usual grown man Diego, you’d lose your mind in the process, wanting to scream and shake him by the shoulders until he spills you what happened.

Being Diego’s friend pushed you to new limits each day, truly.

He didn’t bat an eyelid at your tone change and word choosing, just obliging and putting his hands up.

You helped him to get his knives down and put his black turtleneck over his head, so now he sat shirtless right next to you, hands still smeared with blood.

Goddamit the blood!

You took him by the elbows and lead Diego to the bathroom, where you helped to get the red out of his hands. At the sight of blood dripping down into the sink you deciphered a whimper from him, even through the sound of running water and looked up.

Diego couldn’t stop looking down at his hands and tears were running down his cheeks.

You quickly took his face into your wet hands from the water and forced him to look away and lock his gaze with yours.

“Hey, don’t look at it, okay? It’ll only make you stressed. Until I’m done you can just close you eyes, okay?”

“Oh-okay,” he said and just closed his eyes here and there.

You sighed and tried to finish washing his hands as fast as possible, cursing under your breath pretty often.

“I’m sorry..” you heard him mumble and when you looked up, his eyes were still shut.

“Nothin’ to be sorry about.. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right? Don’t worry. You’re safe now,” you smiled as you were already wrapping his hands in a towel and his eyelashes fluttered, eyes opening.

You stayed looking at each other for a second longer than necessary, but then you already lead him away to the bedroom area, where you actually tucked him in, wrapping in a soft blanket and then rushed to the kitchen, grabbing a few cookies and then leaving it on a plate next to him on the night table. 

 You almost made yourself comfortable on the couch, when he suddenly called out your name from the bed.

You sprung to your feet, thinking he’s actually hurt but you didn’t notice or that- “Can you... stay with me? P-please?” he asked, disrupting your train of thought. You did expect this, but still felt really shy about that.

Diego is vulnerable right now and does need your help and presence though.

And there wouldn’t be anything you wouldn’t do for him.

“Sure,” and after this simple answer you carefully climbed in next to him covering you both with a blanket and he curled up closer to you, almost immediately falling asleep.

From one point of view it felt like you wouldn’t sleep at all tonight, but from the other one.. you actually fell asleep just as fast as he did.

.

.

To nobody’s surprise you woke up first and actually flinched at the sight of sleeping Diego inches from your own face.

Your mind went running with ideas what happened and what’s going on until you realised the real deal and your brain caught up to yesterday’s shenanigans.

It was a wild ride and you were thankful that now it’s - most probably - over.

Your eyes were subconsciously scanning his face, until you realised what you’re doing, but you didn’t stop even then.

You’ve never been this close to his face yet and now you could admire and explore every part of it.

Having feelings for a friend that’s laying in the same bed with you at the moment is really not the healthiest thing that could’ve happened to you, huh..

You actually froze and your heart started racing billion times faster when you realised that you have a weight of his arm around your waist, pulling you closer from his sleep.

He grunted and his nose was now in your hair, shuffling a little to get more comfortable.

You had no idea how to change positions, especially when being held by such a strong arm as his and you got a feeling like Diego might actually wake up just about now, so the best solution that came into your mind was to forcefully close your eyes shut and pretend that you’re still sleeping.

He did, indeed, wake up. You were suddenly pushed to the other side of the bed, arm disappearing from your waist and a waterfall of curses fell from his lips quietly.

You used up all your acting stamina to make a believable scene of you gaining your conscious from the deep slumber that you were obviously in, stretched your arms for a good effect and finally opened your eyes.

You immediately signed up for a staring contest as soon as you looked at him and smiled a little. His face remained unreadable but perhaps a little bit flustered?.. But you may be reading too much into it.

“Hi,” you said with a higher tone than intended and Diego just nodded at that.

You tried your luck by addressing the elephant in the room right away, you never liked ignoring the problems that were always looming over you, “care to tell me what happened yesterday?”

He drew a big sigh and rested his head back on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling.

You couldn’t stop looking at him. At first because you really wanted to know the mystery, but the longer you looked at him, the more you realised that you’re just admiring the beauty that he holds, until his words fell like a dead weight right onto your shoulders.

“I found Eudora’s body yesterday. I couldn’t get to the place in time and someone killed her.”

What?

It felt like what he said was simply a trick of your imagination. You liked Eudora yourself, she was a very intelligent and an interesting person, you two often hung out and that feeling didn’t cease even after you found out that she and Diego started dating.

And even when they broke up some months after, you still found your way to spend time with her. So did Diego.

You wanted to cry, but thought that it might be insensitive towards him, because he was much closer to her than you were, so you tried to swallow your forming tears down.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Diego..”

“It’s your loss too, I know it, y/n,” he looked at you with much softer look this time.

“Come here,” he said a little bit hesitantly and opened up one arm towards you.

This was unusual, but maybe last night’s events tore down some walls?.. Who knows.

You almost threw yourself into his embrace and once your forehead rested on his chest, you started crying.

From everything, honestly. There’s been problems at work, your seemingly unrequited feelings for Diego didn’t help much either and now you learned that you lost one of your friends.

He started rubbing circles on your back, just letting you get those emotions out, while you two were hugging each other on the bed in your apartment.

And as you slowly started to calm down, he said a gentle, “it’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay”