#i feel bad. really bad. my head hurts because breathing is useless.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

funny how the moment i'm oxygen-deprived my brain instantly goes ATTENTION EVERYONE, WE ARE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND WE'RE HAVING IT NOW, BUCKLE UP. but it's just. bronchitis. like. i can't breathe well. my hands and arms tingle because i am not inhaling enough oxygen. but my brain's like. oh. we're panicking now, yup.

[marscardigan]

bad thoughts

joel miller x reader

Not a lot, just forever universe

This is my first fic here, hope you enjoy thiss <3

Summary: After feeling down for a while, Joel makes you smile again.

Warnings: Pregancy, Ellie being kinda mean.

You have had a shitty day. Since the birth of your baby girl, you felt exhausted. You only wanted to be inside your bed all day, or between your boyfriends arms. So when you came home after a walk to ease your nerves, and you didn't find Joel, you were on the verge of tears. It wasn't really that bad; you just weren't in the mood to get to sleep Clementine, especially knowing how hard it was. It wasn't until Ellie came down the stairs that you got an idea.

"Hey kiddo" You sighed, with your daughter in your arms. 

"Hey," Ellie didn't look at you. Instead, she grabbed a banana and her backpack. "I'm going to Dina's tonight".

"I-uh... I was hoping you could help me to get Clem to sleep." The named one started crying. "I'm exhausted today"

Ellie groaned. "When you're not lately?"

The comment surprised you. "Well, could you help me, please? I promise I will make up to you." You tried to smile, shushing the cries of the baby. 

 "It's- ugh" She looked up at you, now. "I'm kinda late."

"Please, Ells, you know I normally would do it myself, but my back is hurting really bad."

"Jesus." The teenager then grabbed your daughter and went up the stairs. The moment the baby left your chest, she started to get quiet. 

Twenty minutes later, Ellie was leaving Clementine's room with an unhappy frown. "Done."

"Thank you so, so much, hon." You then went to hug her, but she dodged it. She was gone by the time you said goodbye. 

The last months, you and Ellie weren't at the best point of your friendship. You tried to think that it was because she was becoming more independent, but when she still did all the things she used to do with Joel, you couldn't help but get an uneasy feeling in your stomach. You then went to your shared bedroom with Joel, and tears started rolling. Likewise, you didn't even hear the front door opening and Joel calling your name. It was then when he found you, curled up in your bed with your face all wet. 

"Hey, hey, hey, angel." He grabbed softly your chin to look at your eyes. "What happened?"

You babbled something, but your head was all melted. You couldn't make coherent thoughts, let alone talk. "It's okay; breathe with me."

Minutes went by, and Joel didn't leave your side until you calmed yourself down. 

"It's just-" You hiccuped. "I just feel like an awful mother"

"With Clem?" You avoided his gaze. "Yeah. And also Ellie. Both hate me."

"Don't you dare to say that." He made you look into his dark, warm eyes. "You are the best mother they could ever ask for. Why would you think that?"

"Well... I can't put asleep my own baby - that I birthed myself - also, if I grab her, she screams like I'm burning her." Tears threatened to come again at the thought of your daughter loathing you. "And Ellie... Lately, I feel like a burden when I'm around her. I feel useless; I miss our relationship before I got pregnant. When she used to tell me everything and we cooked together. I feel like I'm losing them both, and I'm scared that-"

Joel called your name in a way that all your bad thoughts vanished. "You are not a burden. And you are absolutely not a bad mother. It is normal you feel that way. I can't imagine all that you have had to be gone through last year. Getting pregnant and giving birth in times like this? That alone is a miracle that you did yourself. And yes, raising a baby and a teenager at the same time might seem like hell, but we will go through it, together" He then kissed your forehead softly. "I've been having this feeling Ellie is kinda jealous or something about Clem, I don't know. What if you two talked tomorrow? Just tell her exactly what you just told me. She might be kinda bratty, but she is mature enough to understand what you're going through. I'm sure. And about little Clem, let me take care of her this week. You need to rest and before caring about others, you need to care about yourself first. If you're okay, we will be okay."

Tears rolled again in your cheeks, and Joel dried up every single one of them. "Please, don't ever think again any of those awful things. You are marvelous, angel." You then smiled, stealing a kiss from those lips you loved so dearly.

[moonstruckme]

I saw ur last post so for tasm!peter.... maybe r has really bad period cramps and peter just takes care of her?? thank u!!

Thanks for requesting my love <3

cw: period cramps

tasm!Peter Parker x fem!reader ♡ 637 words

“Are you sure this is normal?” You’re sweating, for Christ’s sake, face all shiny and pinched despite the heating pad and the painkillers and the chamomile tea and the dark chocolate he’d made a trip to the bodega down the street to get you. “I feel like we should call a nurse hotline or something.” 

“Don’t.” You look over at Peter from the couch, voice tight with pain. “It’s normal. This is the way it is.” 

“Is it really?” he frets. His knee bounces as he scrolls on his laptop on the beanbag beside you. “It hasn’t been this bad before, has it?” 

“Not in a while,” you admit. “Just once or twice a year, it’ll get like this.” 

Peter shakes his head, looking at his laptop. “Have you talked to anyone about it? I know lots of doctors talk about period pain like it’s never a big deal, but sometimes—” 

“Are you really about to explain to me about how women’s pain gets dismissed in healthcare?” You frown. “Seriously?” 

He winces. “Okay, yeah, you know this. Just, I know this isn’t my area of expertise, but I’m reading up on uterine cysts—” 

“I don’t have a cyst.” 

“There’s just no way this can be normal, sweetheart.” It feels like he’s pleading now, either with you or with whatever higher power is putting you through this. “There’s no way it’s supposed to hurt this much even with painkillers in your system.” 

“Some girls throw up or pass out,” you tell him, a bit gentler now. 

“I know,” he sighs. “I know, and it sucks that womankind has to go through that, but it’s worse when it’s you, you know? You’re my girl. You’re not supposed to hurt.” 

“Peter.” 

You sound almost pitying, and when he looks over you’ve softened considerably. The pain must have ebbed for the moment, because the space between your brows is smoother, the muscles around your eyes relaxed for the first time in hours. 

“Close out webMD, honey,” you say with a little smile. “It’s not going to help.” 

Peter obeys, shutting his laptop and slipping off the beanbag to kneel beside your head. He feels his eyebrows pinch as he cups your face. You’re running a little fever, though you’d assured him that’s normal too. When he dies, he’s got some serious questions for the guy upstairs; this is inhumane. 

“What can I do that will help?” he asks. 

Your mouth pulls up on one side. “You’ve already done a lot,” you say with a pointed glance to the tea and chocolate on the coffee table behind him. 

“Give me something else,” he begs. “You want tickets to disney world, pretty girl? Ask and it shall be done.” 

You huff a laugh, the sound doing more to Peter’s heart than it really has any right to, then look just to the left of his face. “Could you hold me?” you ask shyly. 

For a second, Peter’s frozen. “Yeah,” he breathes, then kisses your cheek emphatically, standing. “Yeah, baby, why didn’t you ask sooner?” 

“You seemed busy,” you say as he climbs over you on the couch, trying to maneuver you onto your side without disturbing your heating pad. 

“Busy freaking out about how useless I feel, you mean.” He presses both hands to the heating pad, shuffling around until you’re slotted perfectly against his front. “If I can do anything to help, you tell me, okay?” 

“Okay,” you murmur, smiling when he leans over to press a kiss to your cheek. “I’m good now, though. This is nice. Can we just stay here for a while?” 

Peter pffts, the show of indignance doing little to hide his fondness for you. “Sweetheart, I’ll stay here all week if you want me to. You just peel me off when you want something to eat.”

[worldofkuro]

idk if it sounds selfish but i need more comfort in my life rn, so i wanna ask for help.

if it's not really a big deal, i wanna see some comfort between alastor and reader when they were teens. maybe after he already told her that he wants to marry her, and something made her feel insecure and bad about herself. so she called Marie and ask Alastor to come, so she could lie down in his arms and listen him telling her that he loves her anyway.

or any other plots because I'll be okay with everything if it's fluff. thank you.

Of course dearest, anything for you to feel better. For those who will notice it, their last sentence is from the song “ Follow You” by Bring me the Horizon. I love this song and I thought it was pretty fitting. So here ,my dear, this scenario isn’t very long but I hope it will make you feel better. 

Follow You

You were coming back from school, trying to contain your tears. 

You had told Alice about Alastor’s wedding proposal and she was excited for you but some other girls heard you and made fun of you. How could a man see you desirable enough to be his wife? Most of the time, you didn’t care about their vile words, but you didn’t know why, today it was hurtful. Of course, Alice had taken your side immediately swearing at them like a sailor.

You didn’t greet your parents as you went immediately into your bedroom, hiding yourself under the blankets. You couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror. Were you even worth being Alastor’s wife? He would always say you were “endearingly stupid”, did it mean he saw you as a stupid girl? Was he manipulating you?

Were you worth being special to someone’s heart?

You jerked your head up as you heard a knock on your window. You wiped your eyes and saw Alastor, his fist against the glass, staring at you. You opened the window quickly, scared he would fall.

“ Alastor, what are you doing here?”

“ I heard my mother talking with yours through the telephone, saying you didn’t feel well, so I came to check on you.” he entered your room, looking at you. You saw his eyes stopped at your tearied one. You tried to look away but he gripped your face, making sure he could watch your expression. “ Who?”

“ What..?”

“ Who made you cry?” he said with a gentle smile but his eyes had a dark glint.

“ No one.. It’s just… Am I worth it , Alastor?”

You gasped as Alastor forced you to lay on your bed, pushing something soft in your arms. Looking down on it you almost cried some more as you saw Eamon staring back at you. You squeezed it against your chest as Alastor laid next to you, observing your face.

“ Dearest, you’re just like a jewel. Being desired by people and those who can't have you are jealous. You are like a fresh breeze in summer, so short and yet so welcomed. You are much more than how you perceive yourself.”

“ But.. I feel like I’m going to be a useless wife…”

“ Hah! You, my dear, a useless wife? You could be doing nothing at home, as long as you are waiting for me, I would feel the happiest. But why would you think that? You have always been to my side, always accepted me. Why would I choose someone else to be next to me for my entire life? How could I look at anyone else now that my eyes have seen you?”

“ Alastor.. Do you love me…?”

He looked perplexed but wrapped his arms around your body, staring at your eyes without blinking.

“ I don’t know what love is about. But if loving you is wanting to devour you all, to protect you, you have your attention on me all the time, then I guess.. that I love you. But please, dearest, remember that even though I adore you, more than anything, my love is tainted with darkness. No matter how much I’m obsessed with you, I’ll drag you down to hell with me. I'm telling you, you're all I need, I promise you, you're all I see. I’ll never leave.” he stared at you, waiting for your answer.

“ I’ll follow you.’ you breathed, staring at his chocolate eyes. “So dig two graves because when you die, I swear I'll be leaving by your side. So you can drag me through hell, I’ll follow you.” you smiled sweetly at him as he beamed at your words, his cheeks flushed. He squeezed you against his body, Eamon between the both of you. 

You would always be together, the both of you. Alastor would always be by your side, like a curse, clawing at you to keep you from leaving, even if you would never think such a thing.

Your love was twisted, tainted in dark obsession but it was perfect for the both of you. Maybe people wouldn’t consider it as love, but you knew deep inside, Alastor would always chase after you if you were to run away. If you were to run away because of your feelings, your fears, everything, the only person who would chase you would be Alastor. And you knew he would never stop.

He would follow you.

[ellecdc]

Hellooo, so I see you opened your requests 🥸 I am a new member of the The Marauders fandom and you have been my go to and all time favorite writer. First want to thank you for all the effort you must put in for us goblins. I am also very new to even really interacting on tumblr outside of the anonymous option. So hellooo! Any way onto the request if you ever feel like it, I get horrible migraines and to deal I tend to look really goofy with a compression cap and ice face mask on and during my recent episode I couldn’t help but think about how any of your lovey boys would react to their partner looking crazy with all that gear on 🙃. This is weirdly specific so ignore if it doesn’t sing for you. But thanks again for the art you share!❣️🌿

hi sweets! first of all: WELCOME TO THE MARAUDERS FANDOM!?!? please help yourself to any seat and don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have (there's a lot of complicated shipnames, canon vs. fanon theories to learn). second of all: OMG are you kidding me!? well thank you, that's quite an honour, but feel free to check out these authors I mentioned previously. thirdly: I love you little goblins 😭😭😭😭

also, since you didn't specify which marauders boy - I opted to give you all of the ones (that I write for) as headcanons 🫶

How various Marauders era boys would react to your migraine get-up

James Potter:

he'd open the door to the bedroom to find you laying there, prone in your pain

immediately "oh angel!!!!" causing you to wince in pain and shush him

he'd acquiesce but he'd whimper quietly as if your pain was causing him pain

he'd start flitting around the room: pulling the blackout curtains shut tightly, placing a glass of water and some pain meds beside you

you'd finally have to banish him from the room, though, on account of his various noises (poor dude couldn't manage silence if his life depended on it)

when you started to feel better, however, you'd take the sleep mask off but not the cap and head out to the living space to find James had closed every curtain in the whole flat, he had turned on a humidifier just on the off chance it helps relax you, and started a pot of tea for you

"I've got the hot pack here if you'd like me to warm it up for you?" he'd offer quietly, still looking particularly pained at your sorry state

"Can I just have a hug?" you'd ask pathetically and he'd coo (quietly) and embrace you gently as if you were about to break

"I'm sorry your partner looks so silly when you come home to them." you laughed, thinking about the ice/compression cap you were still wearing

"you've never looked more beautiful"

Sirius Black:

I believe he'd get very nervous to see someone in pain whether it be physically or mentally - but particularly a pain that was mental or internal (like a migraine vs a cut etc) because he wouldn't know how to fix it and he'd feel useless

He would whisper a cautious "hey baby" as he entered and move so slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible "what happened?"

he knows nothing happened, just that you're hurting: but again, he doesn't know how to fix this and he hates it

"What do you need?" he'd ask as he'd lie down cautiously beside you, itching to reach out but not knowing if it would be okay.

"Nothing." you'd mutter, and immediately feel bad for being short with him. "nothing, I'm sorry. just some time." you'd correct, reaching your hand tentatively across the space to touch his hand, which he'd quickly albeit gently take in his own

"okay." he'd say simply

you waited for the bed to move to signal his departure, but he never left.

he just laid there with your hand in his, watching you quietly

you wouldn't notice this in your state, but he was taking dramatic breaths for your benefit: deep breaths in, holding, and deep breaths out, silently encouraging you to align your breathing with his, which you did subconsciously

you'd wake up later in much the same way - him still on his side watching you (or perhaps he fell asleep too) and your hand still in his

he'd apologize to you as if your pain was somehow his fault, but it was because he felt helpless when you needed him

you'd thank him for his help and he'd relax immediately

Remus Lupin:

Remus is no friggen stranger to chronic pain and flare ups

he wouldn't even say anything, he'd just adjust his footing so he made as little noise as possible

he'd gently press a kiss to your shoulder, to make sure you knew he was here (though he knew with your head the way it was, you would have likely heard his keys all the way down the hall of the apartment building

he'd make himself busy in the flat - soup ready for when you woke up, tea ready to be brewed should you want some, lights off, curtains closed

he'd come by in a bit and quietly tell you to sit up, helping you replace your no longer cold ice mask and cap with new ones

you'd pathetically ask him if he would stay and he'd breathe out in relief because really - that's what he's wanted from the beginning

Regulus Black:

"what's this? what happened?" he'd ask urgently, thinking you'd been hurt or something

"sh! I have a migraine" you'd moan back.

he'd make a pitying tsk sound and make for you

totally babying behaviour "what do you need? do you want food? do you want more blankets? less blankets? a new watch? I'm going to order you a new watch"

you'd banish him from the room for the coddling and when you return to the living area later - he will be surrounded by bags because he had gone shopping and returned with the most ridiculous things: clothes, food, jewellery, blankets, pillows

"I didn't know what you might need." He'd say, slightly shy

"I needed a nap, Regulus." you'd laugh.

"well...you deserve all of this anyway."

and then he'd spend the rest of the evening doing low-impact stuff for your head. reading you a book quietly, gentle conversation, maybe run you a bath

bonus! Barty Crouch Jr:

"who did this?" he'd bark as he saw you in the fetal position with your gear on

"christ, Barty. please be quiet"

"what happened?" he'd demand, quieter but no less intense.

"I just have a migraine."

a switch would flip. he'd ready the room for you (curtains, quiet, water, pills, he'd set up a fan pointed at you.)

then he'd sit outside of the door to your flat and violently threaten anyone walking in the hallway if they make so much as a whisper of noise in this flats direction.

[mur4sak1]

How would elves behave during an argument?

A/N: Remember that English is not my first language so I hope I wrote in the best way <3

Characters: Rog, Galdor, Glorfindel, Maedhros, Legolas (bonus)

Rog: guys, this elf would be really scary. Contrary to what you might think, he would lose his temper very easily; he works all day in the darkness of the forges and when he leaves he just wants to have a good rest, so further stress from an argument would drive him out of his mind. He's the typical person who screams without thinking twice and says things he doesn't mean in anger. His way would destroy you every time, making you burst into tears from how bad he made you feel... but as soon as he saw a small tear running down your face he fell silent, forgetting everything that was happening; Was it him who made you like this? He was making the only person who loved him and who had always supported him in his darkest moments cry. He would stay still for some time, with a thousand thoughts in his head when a louder sob from you would bring him back to reality. He would apologize to you but he would do it without meeting your gaze, he is suffering too much for what he did and he wouldn't have the courage to see your destroyed expression. But you knew that he loves you more than anything after all. With difficulty you would get up and hug him as tight as possible, telling him that everything was fine, that you knew he didn't think those things and that you loved him... You couldn't see his face, but a tear fell from his eyes.

Galdor: NOW LET'S ALL GIVE A HUG TO THIS WONDERFUL ELF TOGETHER. He would always try to find a solution peacefully, without discussions and the need to argue, but if this happens you should not fear anything from him. He would NEVER scream, he would NEVER raise his voice, he would NEVER say anything mean to you just to hurt you or win the argument. I mean, it would be fantastic. Maybe due to particular circumstances you would have become so upset that you felt angry against the elf, but in any case he would have spoken to you in a calm and reasonable tone, making you understand that you didn't need to react that way. If the pain brought you to tears, he would hug you and console you like a defenseless child, helping you and trying to get you to vent so that he could fully understand what was troubling you so as to avoid misunderstandings. Galdor would have been able to understand and love you more than anyone else, always.

Glorfindel: It was rare to argue with the blond elf, but sometimes it happened and the situation became quite lively. Glorfindel always tried to keep his problems to himself and not involve others because he was convinced that difficult moments should only be faced with those you love. Furthermore, he certainly wanted to avoid all that useless gossip that many elves had on any topic that might attract their curiosity. Although his character was often extroverted and playful even in the saddest situations for this reason, when he argued with you it wasn't uncommon to hear shouts and snorts coming from your rooms. They would not be screams that expressed malice, but screams that asked to be listened to; it was natural for him to raise his voice when he wasn't listened to and in that way he expressed all his frustration and the pain that the discussion with you was bringing him. He always acted for your good and feeling attacked made him suffer, he wondered what he was doing wrong, what more did you want from him. But the intense mix of emotions inside him prevented him from acting rationally, forgetting how to express them and focusing only on everything you said. After a long time arguing like this you would have reached the point of being exhausted and progressively raising your voice would have left you breathless. You would stop to breathe for a fraction of seconds, with the certainty that everything would soon start again. But after rubbing your eyes, you looked at your elf's face and saw in him all the pain that he was trying to say to you through his tone of voice; his fists were clodes, his head was bowed, his forehead shiny with sweat and a few blond hairs stuck to it. In an instant you understood everything... You breathed a heavy sigh and quickly approached him to hug him, starting to beg him to forgive you and sobbing heavily between one apology and another... Caught off guard, after a few seconds he relaxed his arms and reciprocated the hug. Finally he let himself go to his feelings; he rested his head on your head and the wet of sweat combined with the wetness of a few tears. So he was able to express everything he felt and only at that point would you be able to clarify and return to being happy and in love as always "I just want to always be perfect for you".

Maedhros: I'm sure fights with the red-head would be very peaceful. Having grown up in a large family and in the role of an older brother, he had developed a lot of patience thanks to which he could easily handle any type of conflict with you. Contrary to what many might think, after Angbad Mae would not have vented the pain on you with shouts and insults, but quite the opposite. After the terrible torture he suffered, the only thing he wanted was to feel accepted and in you he found his salvation; in all the darkest moments where his mind couldn't differentiate reality from dreams you were there by his side to help him, without ever making him feel wrong and making him understand how strong he was to have overcome such a trauma. For this reason, he would feel like a terrible elf during arguments. He only wanted to offer you the support that you represented to him every day but instead he felt more like a burden to you. This would make him cry a lot, but in silence and alone, because he feared that with every little clash you would abandon him. He just needed time, time to understand that you would never, ever abandon him; you always told him that you loved him more than anyone else and that he needed your support to be able to return to the sweet, confident elf he once was, and you would do anything to help him. Needless to say, every time the arguments were resolved without even face them... there was too much love that bound your hearts to ruin it for superficial reasons.

BONUS. Legolas: So, I honestly see Legolas as the kind of elf who would be capable of walking away during an argument. Perhaps due to stress, lack of patience or lack of desire for confrontation, he could stop the conversation, pick up and leave the place where you were. But in reality his behavior would be the solution to the problem. In fact, the much anger that you had accumulated would have faded with distance and the passage of time and would have made both of you understand how much you cared for each other. Solitude would have helped Legolas to think clearly about the problem and find a possible solution to make them both happy. When you met again you would have made peace, both apologizing for your abrupt ways and organizing something to spend the evening together.

[peppermintquartz]

Tommy's expression is unreadable as Eddie stammers through his explanations, but as Tommy moves past him, Eddie flinches.

"Get out," Tommy says, orders, before he pulls a chair next to the bed where Buck is currently still unconscious.

"Tommy, I'm sorry, I-" I shouldn't have been drinking. I shouldn't have been on the bridge. I shouldn't have fought him when he tried to stop me.

"I said, get out." Tommy doesn't even turn to look at him. His big hands envelope the limp, lifeless one lying on top of the sheets. Big and gentle and desperately hoping for a reaction. "Don't come back until Evan says you can."

Eddie wants to say more, but something about Tommy's rigid posture stops him. Gulping down his useless apologies, Eddie steps out of the ward.

Hen and Chimney are still there, faces solemn.

"You wanna wait for Maddie? She's brought Jee to Karen." Chimney sounds tired. It would have been better if he sounded angry or disappointed. But he just sounds tired, like he'd really rather go home and lie down in bed.

Eddie would rather be stabbed in the eyes with a rusty nail.

He nods and sits, burying his head in his hands. He feels Hen sit next to him, and she's patting his shoulder. "I told Bobby too. He's on his way."

"I screwed up so bad," Eddie whispers. "How am I ever going to... Why did it have to be Buck? I should be the one, I should be dead. I didn't mean to, to hurt him, I never wanted him to-"

"Because he loves you, like we do. And he would be so angry if you'd actually done it." Hen exhales slowly. "I am angry at you. I'm boiling with rage. You screwed up, and Christopher went to Texas, and instead of seeing how that is a reason to get better, you do this. You are more than this, Eddie. How can you not see it?"

Eddie swallows around the lump in his throat. His eyes are wet. He doesn't think he'll ever feel more than a pathetic piece of shit again.

She sighs again. "I'm not good at this. I'll leave the big life lessons to Bobby, he'll get you to understand."

Eddie is shaking with regret, tears running down his cheeks. "Tommy won't even look at me. Won't listen."

"If it was the other way round, would you?"

There's no need to say more. Eddie slumps over, letting his tears fall freely from his face to the floor. Shock. Guilt. Both. Because his best friend nearly died trying to keep Eddie from offing himself. He looks up when he hears footsteps.

It's Maddie, rushing down the corridor. Her hair is in a messy bun and her face pale and blotchy, like she's been crying. She hugs Chimney, clings to him, as he tells her what the doctor has told them.

Then she sees Eddie.

Eddie shrinks into his chair as Maddie approaches. But all she does is crouch down to look him in the eyes. "You okay, Eddie?"

He clamps his jaw tight, but his lips wobble. He nods, thinks better of it, and ends up with a strange shrugging motion. She cups his cheek and then takes a deep breath.

"He'll be okay. He's my brother."

After Maddie goes inside, Tommy comes out. His face is still stony when his eyes fall on Eddie, who doesn't dare hold his gaze for long. But Tommy only turns and walks down the other side of the hallway and leans against the wall. Chimney joins him.

Hen puts a hand on Eddie's shoulder, keeps it there.

[lennadanvers]

Tsar Bomba*

Johnny Soap MacTavish x Reader

A/N: This is just angst. I wrote it quite some time ago, but I guess it's time I post it. I'm not sure if I really like it, but at least it has a cool name lol. It may or may not have a part 2. The ending I have in mind is not happy, either way. Other than that, I guess the only TWs are mention of past trauma, mentions of a narcissistic father, past narcissistic abuse, and just Johnny fucking up. If I missed anything, please let me know and I'll add it.

*Tsar Bomba: Soviet thermonuclear bomb that was detonated in a test over Novaya Zemlya island in the Arctic Ocean on October 30, 1961. The largest nuclear weapon ever set off, it produced the most powerful human-made explosion ever recorded. (Amy Tikkanen, Encyclopaedia Britannica, 2024)

Soap is an asshole. A complete and utter idiot, with zero regards for other people and their feelings. A stupid pile of scottish-

“Aren’t you gonna go after’er?”

When Ghost is giving you relationship advice, you know it’s bad. Not like Johnny didn’t know that before Simon asked one of the most useless questions he’s heard. Which is to say something, because even he's asking himself that same question.

Am I not gonna run after her?

Of course, the question doesn’t come alone. It implies many others, each of them a punch to the guts.

Should I? Does she want me to? Would it change anything? Do I deserve to drag this any longer? Why would she want me to be with her? Is she even capable of forgiving me? Am I? How could I do it? Why am I so stubborn? Why couldn’t I just do as she said just this once?

Truth be told, most of the questions are accusations. Guilt. Johnny doesn’t fight them. On the contrary, he sides with the feeling in an absurd display of a split personality. One part of him punches, kicks and bites (sadly, in his head he doesn’t carry any guns… Which is, now that he thinks about it, okay, because he deserves a very long suffering); and the other bares the weakest parts of him: neck, belly, the way he’s always known he doesn’t deserve the love he needs… Both versions of him have red cheeks and wet eyelashes.

For the first time since he’s met you- but not the first in his life- Soap thinks he should die. The same way he knows any object he lets go of will fall to the ground, he should die. It’s the next logical step: he let go of you- more like threw your heart to the floor, the thought makes him flinch-, so now it comes the end. You ran out the door, and now…

Now you’re coming right back.

You’re stomping in his direction. You’re blushing, dark red cheeks and nose that he usually finds beautiful, but that right now look awful. Because it’s rage red, hurt red, indignation red;and it’s all directed to him. All provoked by him. Stupid, idiotic him. Asshole him.

Maybe it’ll help you, to yell exactly that at Soap. Even better, you’ll do it in front of Simon. His closest friend, his coworker, his superior… He deserves the humiliation. You deserve to inflict it. You deserve everything.

You stop where it’ll be clear you’re yelling at him, but not close enough for him to touch you- he wouldn’t dare, either way. Except you don’t yell. You just take a deep breath and clench your fists.

“I fucking told you, Soap.”, your voice is shaking, and so are you. And him, now that you didn’t call him Johnny, “I told you to not do that. I told you why I… Why he… I told you!”

You had told him. Twice. He even had asked about it the second time. “I don’t have a relationship with him. I haven’t spoken to him since I was in high school. I moved away as soon as I could, and I’m happy I did. He’s not in my life anymore”. You were so proud when you said that, that there wasn’t a place in your life for your father.

You give Simon a quick glance, and the man stares back at you. He’s not going to pretend he hasn’t been present for the whole interaction. He’s not going to pretend he isn’t listening to you. It clearly makes you uncomfortable, but Johnny is willing to let you know that Ghost will probably kick his ass after this- maybe it’ll help a little with the awkwardness.

Your voice sounds more like a growl when you keep talking.

“I said I never want to see him again! Why would you do that?! Why did you…! He knows where I live! He went to my fucking job, MacTavish!”

Your lips trembles. You’re breaking a little, and he doesn’t know what it is. Pain? Fury? Frustration? Betrayal? Fear? Whatever it is, you make it disappear with another deep breath.

Johnny is terrified. One deep breath and your whole face relaxed. Your eyes don’t look like they’re about to flood your cheeks anymore. It’s a mask that says nothing. You’ve closed off.

It’s a stab to his spine. He knows you used to do this. You used to cry in the bathroom, quietly, and come out like nothing happened. You used to not be able to let him know how you felt. It took you years to cry in front of him for the first time. To trust him. To learn that he was safe.

And he violated your trust.

“This is over. We are over. I warned you! You knew not to do this, the only thing I… I don’t… If you wanted to do it you should have said so, that way I wouldn’t have wasted… You had no fucking right, Soap! I fucking told you I hate him. He went to my apartment! He was there! Why would you…? You had no right!”

He opens his mouth. Doesn’t know what to say, though. Or, actually, he doesn’t know what he can say. Sorry? Not nearly enough. Not even a fraction of what he feels, and even less than a portion of what you deserve. Soap knows the only thing that would fix this, he can’t do: not having done it in the first place. Not tracking your father down. Not asking him to meet up. Not thinking he wasn’t that bad. Not telling him how good you’re doing, despite how proud Johnny was of you. He should have never asked him for his blessing to marry you.

But you don’t want to hear his silence any longer.

“Don’t! I don’t want to see you ever again. I hope you’re happy. You know him now, congratulations! Now you know everything. I bet he was so fucking nice with you. I bet he said he was so proud of me, even if I never treated him right, didn’t he?”

No, Soap is every opposite of happy. Yes, he said that. Yes, at the time he thought your father was nice. He wants to stab himself in the heart for thinking that. He knows that man was an awful parent to you- hell, he wasn’t even a parent.

But that was his mistake, wasn’t it? For Johnny MacTavish, family is the most important thing. Without family, nothing else is worth it. And seeing you celebrate birthdays and holidays only with friends, knowing your family was out there, far from you… He didn’t want that to happen in your wedding, too.

Key words: he and wedding. First mistake: it wasn’t about him. Fucking selfish asshole. Second mistake (this one was more of an idiotic fantasy that he didn’t deserve): wedding. Yes, maybe his father had asked his mother’s dad for her hand before proposing. And? Those were Johnny’s parents. Why in hell would you want him to ask someone else if it was okay for you to marry him?

“He does that! I’m not crazy... He’s- he's nice to other people! He’s manipulating you. And I’m not going to have that narcissistic bastard in my life. You and him can stay the fuck away from me! Even if you didn’t love me, there was no need to do it.”

Don’t love you? Soap wants to cry- his body is just frozen in place. He is a miserable person. All he does is love you. How did he manage to make you think otherwise? To make you feel otherwise? How did he dare do the only thing- the worst thing…?

Your head snaps violently in Simon’s direction, and Soap can almost see him bracing himself for what’s about to come. Which is an unnaturally calm and controlled voice.

“I’m sorry you had to see this, Simon. And I’m so sorry you have a friend who doesn’t understand boundaries or respect, at the very fucking least. I’ll put his stuff in a bag, and I’ll leave it with the doorman, in case you want to go get it for him. I’m sorry you got involved in this, I… I’m so sorry.”

There you are, apologizing again. Johnny was working on that with you. He had been for the past couple of years. But you’re doing it again, even though it is not your fault. It never is, and you’re always sorry, and he wishes he was dirt so at least you could step on him without feeling guilty. And he wants to rip his own heart out and hand it to you. He wants to use his stupid nails to scratch his stupid chest open, his stupid hands to break his fucking ribs and any other bone he can find in the way. He wants to crack his head open against the wall. He wants… It doesn’t matter what he wants.

Because you’re leaving.

You’re leaving, and you’re not crying. You’re so hurt that all the effort you did to open up, all these years working on learning how to be vulnerable, just disappeared. You’re back to the place you were when he met you. Except it’s worse now.

He made a mess. Johnny fucked you up.

For the millionth time today, he wants to die.

[echo-goes-mmm]

Regress

My Writing Masterpost

Juno Collection Masterpost

Previous

Companion Part by Chai

Warnings: slavery, mild delirium

Something was wrong.

Master had called for the healers and the court mage when he woke, and now they were huddled around the bed, staring at him and talking.

He couldn’t move; too drained to turn his head. Juno blinked, slowly. 

The kennel was in the corner of the room. Its door was open, the bear he made from scraps of fabric sitting inside.

Tears rolled down his cheeks. He wanted to crawl inside his crate, cozy and safe and without eyes and hands on him.

The healer reached for him, and he flinched. She grabbed his wrist anyway, checking his pulse.

“It’s slow,” she said after a moment, and Juno’s eyes flicked to Master. 

“He hasn’t moved,” Master said. “I tried to get him to sit up earlier so he could eat, but-”

I’m sorry, Juno wanted to say. Instead, he only breathed.

He heard the healer uncork a bottle. “Just needs more potion,” she said soothingly to Master. Juno’s mouth went dry. Not more magic, please.

She reached for his jaw-

“Actually,” the wizard said, sipping on a lime green drink. “I wouldn’t.” He went around the bed, out of view.

“Juno,” the wizard said from behind him. “Does this hurt?” He prodded his bare side, and Juno startled.

“Stop it!” Master hissed at the mage. “He can’t answer you anyway, remember?”

Juno closed his eyes. Useless, worthless, defective.

“Juno,” someone said in front of him, and he was so tired. Couldn’t they put him away so he could sleep?

“Juno, please.”

He opened his eyes. The wizard was at eye level, sitting on his heels.

“Did that hurt? It’s important. Blink once for yes and twice for no,” he said.

It didn’t, but Juno was sore all over. Bone-deep soreness, and weighed down with sleep and near paralysis.

He blinked twice.

The wizard stood. “See? I think he’s mostly healed. Just sore and tired.”

“More potion would-” the healer started.

“Would kill him, maybe,” the wizard went on. “He’s Timorsian. Our healing potions are based on Rhodantheian physiology. Juno doesn’t have inner magic, so it’s working slower and harder on his system-”

Juno stopped listening. He stared at the wall behind the court mage. He could feel the world becoming more and more fuzzy; slipping away like mist on the wind, just like it did every night when he was too tired.

Now it was the middle of the day, not evening where the shadows leapt at him and his hands shook.

“Juno? Juno?”

He couldn’t do it.

He drifted.

___________________

The healer had prescribed bedrest for a week or until he recovered his strength, whichever came first.

Juno couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

He was trapped on his bed, sprawled out on his stomach, head turned to the left.

His bed. 

It really wasn’t his bed, it was a bed, in a room that Master let him use. Because he was generous.

Master was so kind. He even asked after painkillers, but the healer told him no. That it might interfere with the process.

Juno didn’t deserve Master’s kindness. He had been disobedient.

He was still waiting to be punished for it.

___________________

Master hovered over him. It was scary, and Juno didn’t like it. He was still naked, and the idea that Master would just grab him and-

He let the thought slip away.

Master hand-fed him. Little bits of fruit and fish, and that felt normal. Natural. Was he being good? 

As he swallowed, he realized his collar felt weird. Light and airy, instead of grounding and familiar.

It wasn’t his collar at all. Wasn’t his comforting leather with a brass tag.

Where was his collar? How would people know he belonged to someone? 

Had he been bad?

Tears filled his eyes as Master fed him another bite. He swallowed, whimpered.

Please, what did I do wrong? Don’t you love me anymore?

No answer.

He cried as quietly as possible. Master liked silence. If he wanted to be good again, he needed to be small.

___________________

The kennel was so far away. But it was safety.

He shouldn’t be on a bed. This was Master’s bed, and he was on it. For no reason.

Bad. Disobedient. Horrible creature.

Juno struggled to pick himself up off the bed. 

“Juno, no!” said a voice above him. A hand pushed him back down, and he couldn’t help but burst into tears.

But why? Why wasn’t he allowed to hide away?

“Juno, please don’t cry. What do you need?”

He couldn’t lift himself again, even to point to his perfect, quiet crate. All he could do was sob and sob and hope Master wasn’t around to hear him.

The hands moved him onto his back, propping him up on the pillows. A tissue wiped away his misery.

“I think I should teach you some sign, or to write, or something,” the voice said.

No! No nononono-

He tried to move away, to thrash against the man’s grip, but it was useless.

He sank back into the pillows, staring off into the distance. 

Juno didn’t want his hands broken or his eyes torn out. 

So as the man talked and moved and tried to get him to look at paper and markings-

He looked away.

He just wanted his kennel and collar.

He just wanted to rest.

taglist: @haro-whumps @paintedpigeon1 @phoenixpromptsandstuff @tianablackwell @starsick1979

[silverynight]

The haori

It surprises Tanjirou to see Tomioka arrive to the butterfly mansion; he knows (thanks to Kocho) that there's not going to be a hashira meeting any time soon. Also, and he feels relieved when he notices, Tomioka doesn't look injured.

His surprise only grows when the water hashira looks around, almost desperate. As soon as his deep blue eyes find his though, his shoulders relax.

Taking a deep breath, the Pillar sits right next to him on the floor. The sun is shining brightly over the backyard; everything looks green there.

It's really a beautiful day.

"They told me you were hurt."

He nods, although realizes quickly that it's useless because Tomioka is not looking at him.

"Nothing serious," he says, smiling because Tomioka's presence always makes him feel better. "It's just my arm and leg."

Turning his head at him, Tomioka frowns, glaring in disapproval at the bandage under Tanjirou's white pants. Then, he looks at the one under his sleeve like it has personally insulted him.

"Are you sure you don't need to be in bed right now?"

Shaking his head, Tanjirou chuckles; even though Tomioka looks irritated, his nose tells him he's not angry with him; he's worried. Around them, the people working in the mansion start looking in their direction every now and then with curiosity.

"I'm fine. I'll probably get another mission soon."

By the way he grimaces, Tomioka doesn't seem to like the idea of him going into battle at the moment.

Tanjirou is about to ask him what he's doing there when the hashira moves and puts his own haori on the young demon slayer's shoulders.

Blinking in confusion, Tanjirou glances up at Tomioka again only to see that he's looking away from him again. His cheeks are slightly pink.

"You looked like you were cold."

He's not. The weather is amazing. However, he doesn't want to make him feel bad (after all he's done for Nezuko) so he thanks him and puts it on.

Besides, his uniform and his haori are being washed at the moment so he supposes it's fine to borrow Tomioka's for a while.

It smells just like him; like ocean water, like salt... Like a river. All at the same time.

"It's huge," Tanjirou chuckles. It's only natural since Tomioka is taller and stronger than him.

"My haori looks perfect on you," the water hashira says and only then Tanjirou looks back at him, noticing the fond expression on his face.

He sounds almost proud and his eyes glimmer with triumph when he notices the others are watching them.

Aoi gets closer to them and (to Tanjirou's shock) bow at them both. Tomioka nods in approval for some reason.

No, she's never bowed at him. Tanjirou is sure her rank is superior to his.

"I'm sorry to interrupt such an intimate moment," she mumbles, prompting Tanjirou to narrow his eyes in confusion. "But I need to check on Tanjirou-san injuries."

San? Since when she uses an honorific to talk to him?

"Of course," Tomioka says. "I'll go with you."

***

Looking unusually nervous, Aoi does her best to change Tanjirou's bandages quickly. It seems like Tomioka's intense look is making her less confident for some reason.

She looks almost scared.

"You should get something to eat," she tells him, moving away from as soon as she finishes. Relief is written all over her face. "Well, I'm done here."

"Thank you!" Tanjirou grins, but doesn't have time to say anything else because Tomioka takes him in his arms and carries him to the main room.

They eat together; he's so focused on the food that doesn't realize he's still wearing the haori or that Tomioka is staring at him with a fond smile.

When they finish, Kocho tells Tanjirou she has important things to discuss with Tomioka so the young demon slayer goes to Nezuko's room to check on her.

He manages to catch a few sentences of their conversation however.

"You have to tell him, Giyuu! Otherwise you're doing this for nothing! You know it's not fair..."

"I will tell him eventually."

"Probably on your wedding day..."

Tanjirou narrows his eyes, he's not sure if Kocho is just joking or if she's being serious, but thinking about Tomioka getting married makes him feel sad for a moment. He shakes his head though, reminding himself to be kind. He should be glad for his friends.

After seeing that Nezuko is still asleep, Tanjirou decides to go back to the yard, but finds himself in front Murata instead. They almost bump into each other, however, thanks to his nose he could move away in time.

"Tanjirou!" He says, smiling as his cheeks turn slightly pink. "Just the person I was in looking for!"

"Really?" He chuckles. "What do you need from me?"

"Well... Since both got some free time right now I was wondering..." He stops as soon as his eyes fall over the haori Tanjirou's wearing. "Is that Tomioka-san's?"

"Yes," Tanjirou nods, looking down at himself, still amused. "It's really big for me, don't you think? Oh, sorry! You were about to tell me something! What was it?"

Murata shakes his head, looking pale.

"N-Nothig. I didn't know you were already–that you had..." Again, he stops when he sees something over Tanjirou's shoulder. He bows. "I was already leaving, Tomioka-san!"

"Wait!" It's too late, he's already gone before Tanjirou can say anything else. He smells a bitter scent coming from Tomioka when he moves right next to him. However, when the water hashira looks down at him, the smell is replaced by a sweeter one.

"Let's go to the backyard," Tomioka mumbles, trying to hold back a pleased smile.

***

Tanjirou gives him back the haori when it's time for him to leave. With a soft smile, he puts it back on slowly, almost like he wants everyone to see him.

"I'll be in contact," Tomioka promises, caressing Tanjirou's hair, surprising the young demon slayer. "I'll find a way to see you soon, no matter where you are."

Feeling excited at the possibility of seeing him again soon, Tanjirou beams at him. However, his smile vanishes when the water hashira leans, takes his hand and kisses it softly.

It's a shame the Pillar goes away right after that, leaving Tanjirou in a flustered shock for a couple of seconds.

There's something going on. Something he's missing.

He has to find out what it is.

***

Patreon

[peachyloveswriting]

I really enjoy how you write Knives and Vash. I enjoyed the one with the sick reader so much.

If by chance could you do something with reader who has bad anxiety and panic attacks?

Maybe for Knives the reader is already feeling down because they are not allowed outside (sorta like seasonal depression I guess) and they feel of no use to him.

For Vash maybe something about how he says he wishes the reader wouldn't follow him and the group to Wolfwood or one of the others and they over hear him. He just wants them safe of course. They feel useless even though they have been able to keep safe so far. Feeling unwanted sends them into a panic.

Lately I have been pretty down and my anxiety about the smallest things have sent me into a panic.

Much love <3

I'm really glad that you've enjoyed my work so far and I hope you feel better soon. For now let me do some comfort and fluff. I'm in the mood right now. Also I've noticed that I sometimes accidentally write in first person so if I switch up on you guys I'm sorry Lmao.

Miscommunication and Self doubt --- Vash & Knives

SUMMARY: It doesn't take a lot to make someone feel worthless, maybe people should pay more attention to what they do.

Millions Knives

Artificial light, the only light that fills every room I've been in for the past four months. When was the last time I felt the suns on my skin, I had a fresh breath of air? God I have no clue. Ever since Knives took me in I've been stuck inside this tower with no hope of ever seeing the outside again. Just to make matters worse I get to watch everyone else do something useful while I sit and hope for a day that will never come. It fills my heart with dread every time I think about it.

I have no special duty, I don't run errands, I don't do chores. I sit and I act as a wall piece all day everyday. I stand by Knives side, accompanying him wherever he wants me too. Watching him play his piano, I feel particularly let down today.

Between the solemn notes and my aching heart, I don't know which was the straw that broke the Camels back, but I fell to my knees. Tears slid down my face and ragged breaths left my mouth, I sobbed, covering my eyes with my hands. Suddenly the melodious tune stopped making its way into my head and someone grabbed my shoulders.

"Petal?" Knives shook me with worry, he's checking me over for the source of my crying, but no injury is visible. "What's wrong?" He pulls my hands away from my face and cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. "Speak to me." His hands are gentle as ever, it's almost hard to believe that he's actually touching me.

"What's my point?" I choke out. "What's the point of me being here when I do nothing for you?" I pull away from his touch, another wretched sob falling from my lips. His face softens as his hands fall back to his sides. "Why haven't you killed me yet?"

Through my teary eyes I can see his blades slithering out from behind him, coming right for me. My heart sinks and I feel sick, he was actually taking my advice. This wasn't really the way I wanted it to happen but it was death, the sweet release. Closing my eyes, I patiently wait to feel him cut through me, to tear me apart and never wake me up again. Instead, I feel the blades carefully wrap around my back, pushing me forward.

Opening my eyes, Knives grabs my shoulders once within reach and pulls me against him in a hug. His blades slip off my back but stay close, I can't tell if he's actually debating on killing me or if he's just trying to keep me in place. Against him, I sob. It's hysterical at this point, I'm so lost. He has no reason to keep me here so why am I still here?

"Why?" I have no special purpose for him. "Why am I here?"

One of his hands rubs my back while the other holds the back on my head close to him, he's holding me so gently. I feel like he's scared of hurting me, but why? I serve no purpose to him. Even still, he lets me cry into his shoulder, and even rubs my back in an attempt to comfort me. It's almost like he really does care.

"You're here because I want you to be. I enjoy your company and... You're very interesting to me." He pulls away. "but I don't understand what makes you think I'd kill you. I clearly have a reason not to."

He moves his thumb to swipe away my tears. "I'm sorry it's just... I've been stuck in here for so long I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't... I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I don't even do anything, I want to do something. I don't want to feel useless."

He leans closer. "I can assure you that you are not useless, you offer me entertainment, company, knowledge, and more. My want is for you to be comfortable, if you are not, I have failed. If you wish to leave I will escort you out?" His offer is kind, I'm taken aback by it. Seeing the way he usually treats things, this was not at all what I expected.

I shake my head. "I do want to leave but not like that! I just want to go outside..." I lift my hand to wipe the wetness from my eyes. "I don't wish to burden you, Knives."

He sighs. "Yet again, you're not a burden." Letting me go completely, his blades retract and he stands. "Come with me." He extends a hand to me. "I shall take you outside."

Taking a deep breath I grab his hand and pull myself up. "Thank you." He doesn't say anything in return, quietly leading me towards his room. Walking through the door I'm greeted by a large bed, I was sure he had never used it. It was untouched, sheets laid without a single wrinkle at all. It was like he'd never even touched it. He pulled me forward towards the large sheath of curtains, brushing them to the side. Bright sunlight fills the room and he pulls open a sliding door, turning to the side he gently tugs me forward. I can already feel the breeze hitting my skin before I ever step out. It feels reliving to feel the wind blowing in my face again.

Stepping out onto the small balcony, I press my hands against the rail and close my eyes. Behind me I can hear the door shut and Knives approaching. The air smells clean and the sun is purifying. I could relish in this moment forever, it makes it even harder to believe I'll have to go back in, I don't want too. I'd rather stay out here where I can feel myself at peace with the world, where the wind blows all my worries away.

"Feel better?" I open my eyes to see Knives leaned on the balcony rail beside me, resting his face in his hand. The corners of his lipa twitch up into a ghostly smile, almost non-existent.

"Much." I adjust my gaze to the city below. "Good. I'll be sure to accommodate you more often. I had never thought to ask how you were doing or what you might have needed."

I take a deep breath. "Thank you, Knives."

He stands up straight. "It's good to see you smile again." At the mention I could suddenly feel the smile on my lips, I hadn't noticed it before. "That's what you'll do for me..."

I look at him confused. "If you want to feel of use to me, smile more. It looks good on you."

Vash

"I'm going to sleep. Good night." You waved everyone goodbye before you claimed into your tent. The outside was illuminated by the flickering fire, Meryl and Roberto had already gone to sleep. It was only Vash and Wolfwood left after you. For a long time it was quiet, sleep was beginning to creep in and you were comfortable. That's when you Heard it.

"Why did they have to stick around?" Vash pokes at the fire with a stick. Wolfwood looks up at him in wonder "Huh? You mean Y/n?"

"Yeah... I just wish they wouldn't stick around." You don't get to hear him finish the sentence, you cover your ears and dig your face into the pillow. Something in your chest aches deeply, the thought of leaving the group after becoming so close to everyone hurts. To think the best out of all of them wanted you gone hurt the most, you didn't do anything to make him hate you. Was it that you didn't contribute? Everyone played their part but you... You were just there.

You don't do anything but cook and help set up camp for the night, it's not much at all compared to what everyone else does. Meryl's got a job with Roberto, Wolfwood is trying to keep you all from dying, and Vash.... He was looking for his brother, trying to save the world. That's more than you could ever do for the group, you bring them down. You get in the way of everyone's objectives, you don't contribute, what's worse than dead weight?

When you uncovered your ears, it was eerily quiet outside, the fire wasn't crackling anymore and Vash and Wolfwood had grown quiet. Heart heavy in your chest, you moved your blanket off of you and climbed to the entrance of your tent. Peeling it back you stick your head outside, the fire is almost out, Vash and the others are nowhere to be seen. You assume they've gone to sleep. Crawling out, you wrap your blanket around your shoulders and walk over to the truck.

The wind nips at your exposed skin as you reach up and grab your bag from the top, it slips from your hands and falls heavily on your foot. Your mouth shoots open to call out in pain but you hiss through clenched teeth instead. After hopping about, you pick the bag up and sling it over your shoulder, stopping to look and back sure you haven't woken anyone up. The silence gives you an answer, you pad back to your tent, quickly undoing it to pack it away in your bag. It fits snugly with all your other items as you tie it back. With everything ready, you tie the blanket securely around you as a coat and begin to walk away from the camp site.

The air is cold and lonely as you venture into the desolate night, from afar strange creatures call out, sending chills through your body. While running with the group, you fared well, managing to keep out of trouble. Alone, you weren't sure you were going to make it. Looking back at the tents, you realize they're much smaller than before. It would be pointless to turn back now, it hurts to leave like this but if Vash didn't want you there you were willing to leave. Albeit bringing you to tears in the process.

For the next day into the night, you traveled alone, not a soul in sight. The heat from the suns has just worn off and the cool nights air breezes past. You haven't stopped since you started, your legs burn with intensity, and your eyes threaten to close. It would be unwise to camp in the middle of the dunes, you searched for a rock face to settle down against but there were none in sight. You realize now that your choice to leave so suddenly without thinking it through wasn't a good idea, you couldn't go back now, they'd certainly have moved on by now. You'd just have to get by until the next town.

Suddenly, from behind you begin to hear shouting. It sounds like your name from somewhere out in the distance, certainly you had to be going crazy. Then it came again, closer this time. You turn to see what's calling out for you, running up on a Thomas, Is Vash.

"Vash?" Your eyes widen in surprise as he jumps off the Thomas, throwing you into the sand, hugging you.

"I was so worried. You scared me. I followed your footsteps for two days!" He pulled back with a smile on his face. Just before he was saying he didn't want you around, now he's acting like he misses you.

"You wanted me to stop following you." His smile falls. "So I left."

His heart falls to his stomach. "What do you mean?"

You blink at him. "You said you didn't want me to follow you around anymore. I overheard when you told Wolfwood."

Vash sits up, pulling you with. "I could see why you wouldn't want me around anymore, I don't do a whole lot..." He frowns, keeping your hand in his. "That's not why I said it." He tips your head up to look at him. "I said it because I'm dangerous. If you stay around me long enough you'll get killed."

I stare at him in silence for a moment. "What bout the others?"

He nods. "Them too. But Wolfwood and Roberto know how to keep themselves alive. You and Meryl... She only has a chance because of Robertoz but you." Vash sighs. Tears start to burn your eyes as you look at him. "Me... I'm worthless." It comes out as a broken sob, one that you can't stop from escaping.

Slumping forward, your head collides with Vash's shoulder. Shaking and sputtering, you sob against him, his hands rushing to soothe your shaking body. He engulfs you in a hug, hands rubbing your back and brushing your head. "Don't say that. You do an amazing job of staying out of trouble and you're an even better addition to the team. But I'm scared you might get hurt one day." His hot breath tickles your skin as he talks. "I want to keep you safe."

White hot anger rushes over you, you raise your head. "Then do that! Don't just send me away and expect that to be even better, it's worse! If you want me to be safe then show me how to use a gun."

His eyes are wide with surprise. You've never yelled at Vash like that, it hurt seeing you so angry. "If that's what you want, I'll do it."

You nod your head. "Yes. Anything to help, please."

"Of course. Let's get back to the others though, you need to eat and get water before you pass out. Sit in front of me so you can rest for a bit too." He takes your hand and pulls you to your feet. "I'm really sorry I made you feel this way." He adverts his gaze as he leads you to the Thomas. "I had no idea you could hear me, it was nothing but the best intentions, I swear."

Vash helps you climb onto the Thomas first before grabbing reigns and hoisting himself up behind you. "I know. It still hurts though."

His face softens. "It won't happen again. I swear. Just stick by my side and you'll be safe."

[tortoisebore]

wip wednesday !!

ty for the tag @moonheavens love u would die for u etc etc (knight remus pls save me omfg i need this new fic like oxygen)

here’s some angst from my first draft of ch. 1 !! (be warned, talk of implied/unnamed (not named in this snippet) chronic illness & pain)

“I’m—” His voice caught on a shaky, broken little inhale, and Sirius’ chest ached. He waited, let the silence wrap around them for a long, drawn-out moment until Remus finished flatly, “I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life.”

And Sirius had no idea what to say to that, no idea how to comfort him or soothe the hurt when Remus was right. It was true, it would always be true—that was the deal with this sort of thing. This wasn’t tendinitis or a bad rotator cuff or a sprain; this was a different beast entirely. Something he couldn’t pick Remus up from on his own, the kind of wound that wouldn’t be mended with reassurance and sweet words and a bit of time—it was heavy. Incessant. Final in a way that scared Sirius down to the marrow of his bones.

He tried to breathe through the low thrum of panic stirring somewhere deep in his stomach. What the fuck, he thought, because really—what the fuck was he supposed to do here? He was in so, so far over his head, entirely clueless about how to navigate their relationship on a good day and completely fucking useless now, here, where it was infinitely important but where he was falling flat and failing once again.

“I’m sorry,” he offered meekly, winding another curl around his finger and threading it through in a little loop over and over.

It was quiet again, clumsy and bumbling against Sirius’ train wreck of a head, and he was on the verge of spiraling into a meltdown about it when Remus spoke again, so softly that Sirius couldn’t make it out over the hum of the space heater in the corner.

“Hm?” he prompted softly. Remus shook his head against Sirius’ thigh and turned his face to the side, giving him little more than a hint of his side profile to work with. He sighed, eyes fluttering shut with a pained little frown, and when he spoke again, the words left his lips in barely more than a whisper.

“You didn’t sign up for this.”

Sirius’ heart dropped.

[kodydrs]

Sunflower Juice - Sabo

a/n: title has nothing to do with the story. sabo just reminds me of Sunflowers. I am incredibly out of practice when it comes to writing smut, and the ending is lowkey shit bc i kept reading it in my ex’s voice 😭

ib: this prompt from Portgas.D•Xiao’s on on Chai. “sabo just finished drinking with his friend, after he drank some alcoholic water he started to get drunk, then he wanted to go to his room and he saw you in the hallway And he started coming closer to you and hug you from behind.

warnings : fxm, sabo x fem reader, mdni, drunk sex, slight oral (f. recieving), vaginal fingering, p in v, hickies, (a lot of) pet names, you dated ace b4 his d3ath, reader is still kinda grieving ace’s death, she’s a bipolar abt her emotions as i am (it’s not funny guys, i’m actually bipolar), no use of y/n, not proofread, i’m bad at tagging

You flinch at the sudden attack.

‘ahh!’

It takes you a minute to realise who has just latched themselves onto you.

‘oh Sabo. it’s just you.’

You’d known Sabo for a little while. Ever since Ace’s death, you’d travelled with Luffy and the Straw Hats, and you’d met Sabo along the way. You wouldn’t say you’re exactly the closest of friends, but you both respected each other. But you did you best to keep a healthy distance because damn did he remind you of Ace.

‘Yeah. It’s just me. What are you doing here?’ You're not supposed to be alone right now.’ You felt his grip tightens around your waist slightly as he looks down at you. ‘Are you okay? Do you need anything?’

You turn to face him, confusion obvious on your face. But upon breathing in, you can smell the alcohol on his breath.

‘Sabo. Are you drunk?’ It’s more of a rhetorical question. It’s clear from how thick his breath feels. He wobbles a little to really upkeep the act.

‘Mmmm. Yeah. Maybe just a little bit.’ He pauses. ‘But I’m drunk with you so it’s fine.’

You go to say something to him, but you stop, deeming it useless.

‘Let’s just get you back to your room.’

He grumbles, audibly in decline of your offer.

‘But I don’t wanna go back to my room. I wanna spend more time with you.’

You can feel his arms trying to pull you closer to him like you aren’t already pressed tightly to him. He seems to give up on his efforts by resting his head on your neck and you can again smell the alcohol, reminding you of his drunk state. You groan.

Your plan for the night had been to hang out with Namu & Robin, but Nami got swept away by the Straw Hats stupid chef and Robin got distracted by Chopper's constant tangents. This left you sitting alone at a table with nothing but your thoughts. Your thoughts about how lonely you’d become since joining the Straw Hats. Now all you wanted to do was get to bed and sleep.

‘Sabo. Can you please just go to your room? I’m not in the mood for socialising right now.’ He pouts, nuzzling against your skin.

‘Don’t leave me all alone out here, please.’ He grabs your hands gently and place them on your stomach, holding them there. With a final long sigh, you give up.

‘Fine.’ He lets out a happy chuckle and spins you around, kissing you deeply on the lips for a few seconds before pulling away.

‘Yay!!’ He shrieks. He leans forward and hugs you tight once more, squeezing you so hard you can barely breathe.

You stand frozen in time, stunned by his actions.

‘S-Sabo??!’ He looks down at you with a confused look.

‘Yes. What is it? Are you hurt? Did I do somethi-‘ You cut him off by smashing your lips together, grasping his face tightly. He responds back with equal force and passion. Before you know it, his hands are everywhere. They’re gripping your hair, holding you hips, pressed to your spine.

You pull away, gasping for air. Letting it set in, you touch your lips. ‘Holy fuck.’ You think. ‘I just kissed my boyfriends brother.’

He looks down at you, not processing what the situation they’re really in is.

‘Hey. Why’d you stop? What’s wrong?’ You should protest, but you’re honestly too pent up to care right now.

‘Ah fuck it.’ Without resistance, you grabbed him by the collar and dragged him down the hallway to his room. You locked the door behind you and pinned him to it, crashing you lips back against each others.

The way you're kissing him makes him forget everything else around them. All he wants right now is to make love to you.

‘Oh god.’ He moans softly while wrapping his arms around your waist and pressing himself harder against you. You hum at his hand placement, getting intoxicated on the taste of his lips. He’s been drinking sunflower juice. His abdomen tensed as you ran your fingers along the divots in his abs. His excitement is evident in the way his hips bucked against you and you fail to push backs grin, grinding against his pelvis.

‘I want you so badly.’ He whispers in your ear.

‘Then take me.’ He pulls back, smug face as he looks down at you.

‘Yeah?’

Your voice is breathy and sweet, filled with the sudden need to be touched you’ve so desperately missed.

‘…yeah.’ He smirks mischievously and leans forward, placing one hand behind your neck and pulling you close enough that your noses touch.

‘Tell me what you want baby.’ He growls lowly into your ear, not breaking eye contact even though he's drunk as hell. Your mouth gapes at how hot he sounds right now.

‘oh fuck’ You whisper. ‘I want you to touch me, Sabo.’

With a sly smile on his lips, he brings his hand down and runs it down your arm, stopping at your hand and interlocking your fingers with his. He then brings your joined hands up to his chest, where he kisses them both.

‘Any particular way?’

Your voice is sickeningly sweet, and your words drip like honey.

‘Like you want me.’

His eyes light up in hunger and he once again slides his hand down to your hip, feeling every curve of your body.

‘Like I want ya, huh?’ He leans in to you, gently pressing his lips against your neck. ‘I’m sure that can be arranged.’ He takes your wrists and wraps them around his neck before hoisting you up like you weight nothing so your thighs also wrap around him. You pepper his neck with kisses as he brings you over to his bed and lays you down, straddling your hips.

You gasp as you watch him strip off his shirt and coat, revealing the chiselled abdomen you’d been tracing earlier. He laughs at your reaction before leaning back down and reconnecting your lips. Your hands move to his hair, tugging at the base of his scalp. He doesn’t break the kiss as he lifts your shirt to reveal your perk breasts. Instead, he runs his tongue along your teeth and sucks on your lower lip, basking in the heat radiating from your bodies. It’s driving him crazy.

He kisses down your neck into the valley between your breasts, massaging them gently. Your hands continue to tug at his hair, soft whimpers going straight to his dick.

You groan as he continues his journey down your stomach to the waistband of your pants, where he stops and looks up at you for approval.

‘Please.’ He grin. You nod. ‘Alright then.’ He slowly pulls them down, revealing your soaked panties.

‘So pretty.’ He cooes, kissing dangerously close to your core. He shimmies you out of your pants and then pushes aside your panties, tracing teasing circles around your clit with this tongue. Your thighs instinctively try to close around his head, but he pins them apart, not letting them interrupt his meal.

‘Be a good girl, baby. Good girls get good things.’ You can feel yourself melt under his touch. You’re embarrassed from how easily your legs are shaking due to being so touch starved, but you can’t really focus on that right now.

Your back arches as 2 fingers are inserted into your cunt, stretching you. And it takes everything to not cum right there and then.

‘You alright there, babygirl?’ Sabo laughs, hooking an arm around your thigh and nipping at the skin. You squeeze your eyes shut and nod, breathing deeply.

‘I just haven’t had sex in a while.’

‘We’ll take it slow. I wanna make this last.’ Slowly, his fingers pump in and out, letting you ease around them while he continues to kiss and nibble on your thighs, leaving little pink and purple marks that you’ll find in the morning. After a few minutes, he adds a third digit, watching your expression to make sure he wasn’t hurting you in any way. Your heads tilted to the side and you make eye contact, the lustful gaze drawing you in. He smiles and kissed back up your body to your neck.

‘Are you ready for me? Or do you wanna wait a little longer?’ You wrap your arms back around his neck, pulling him down into a chaste kiss.

‘I’m ready.’ You whisper, pressing your foreheads together. ‘But please don’t be harsh.’

He nods and kisses you deep but slowly as he pulls his fingers from your cunt. You hear the rustle of clothes from him removing his pants and boxers before feeling his tip graze your entrance.

‘Do you want a countdown?’ He teases, grinning at his own joke. You smile, hitting his shoulder and murmuring a quiet “asshole”. He slowly pushes himself past your entrance to your warm insides, revealing in the intense heat.

‘Shit.’ He curses against your lips. ‘Damn, you feel amazing.’ You try to reply, but all that comes out is a moan. ‘Are you ok? Can I move?’

You hum, already leaving scratches on his back from blunt nails. He carefully starts to move, burying himself deeper with each thrust and it drives you insane. It isn’t long before you feel your stomach twist into knots.

‘S-Sabo… gonna cum.’ You whimper, nuzzling into his neck.

‘Already, baby? Can you hold on for a little so we can do it together?’ He gets a babble for a reply, mixed with a harsh kiss to his jaw. ‘Good girl. You’re taking me so well, baby.’ He brings one hand to your face, gently stroking your face. He touch is comforting, and you feel him pick up his pace so you get to finish as soon as you want.

‘Fuck.’ He mumbled under his breath. ‘Shit. Do you want me to pull out or no?’

‘I-I don’t mind. Whichever you prefer.’ You babble. He nods.

‘I’ll come inside then, if that’s ok with you.’

A hum seals you fate as you feel yourself tip over the edge, quickly followed by feeling your insides filled to the brim. Your back arches at a ridiculous angle, pressing your chests together. Sabo rails you through your orgasm until you're a choked-up, panting mess. Not that he’s any different. He pulls out with a grunt and flops next to you, taking a minute to collect his breath before he stands to grab something to clean you both up.

In the few minutes you’re left alone, you want to cry. The way his touch felt on you felt so familiar and so comfortable, and the knowledge it was all caused by a drunk haze made you wanna cry. Tears collected on your lower lashes as you did your best not to let them spill.

‘Hey.’ Sabo cooes, leaning down beside you while he cleans up your legs. ‘What’s wrong, hun? Why are you crying?’

You shake your head, covering your face.

‘I’m not. It’s nothing. It’s just-‘ You stop, looking away from his gaze. ‘I miss him like freaking crazy, Sabo.’

The blond smiles, putting aside his cleaning supplies and lying next to you.

‘Same. Everyday.’ For a moment, it feels as if this isn’t a drunk conversation, but instead 2 people bonding through grief. You roll so you’re facing him, forehead pressed against his chest. ‘But I do wanna be able to protect you like he did.’

One of his hands strokes your hair gently, carefully tugging out any tangles. You’ve stopped crying, just listening to the quiet thump of your heartbeats.

‘Sabo?’

‘Yeah?’

‘I wanna learn to love you, the same way I loved him.’

A soft hum comes from above you and you feel his lips press against your temple. His arms wrap around you gently, keeping you warm.

‘Ok.’

©kodydrs

all rights and reserves are copyright to kodydrs on tumblr. this material is not to be copied or translated

[herofics]

Dangers of winter

A/N: Hahahahaaaaa, Dabi angst yet again, surprise, surprise… Kinda toxic I guess though, and maybe passively suicidal reader?

“I’m not watching you kill yourself over this, I’m done!” you yelled at him. “I’m done with your bullshit revenge plan, and I’m done with you!”

“Didja honestly think I’d just let you go? How am I supposed to know you’re not goin to blab my plans to some barfly the next time you decide to get drunk?”

“No fear of that once I’m away from you, you’re the one who drove me to drink anyway” you spat, turning your back to him to leave the room.

“I’m not through with you yet!” Dabi growled as he quickly stepped between you and the door.

He pressed his hand against the door, and you could see it getting charred around the contact point.

“What are you gonna do? Hurt me? Kill me? Go ahead, it’s better than watching you die over some stupid revenge fantasy!” you exclaimed angrily, starting to tear up.

There it was, the truth. You would rather die than have to live with losing him.

“I can’t keep doing this, I-I just can’t” you cried, falling to your knees and burying your face in your hands.

Dabi was quite honestly baffled. You weren’t usually like this, actually you were never like this, he had barely ever seen you cry. You’d never shown this kind of desperation, this kind of despair. No one had, not for him anyway. Your show of feelings wasn’t exactly breaking his heart, but it did make him feel… something.

“Do you think that I’m gonna give up on everythin I’ve worked for, just because you shed a few tears?” Dabi said with a mocking tone.

If he hurt you enough, maybe, just maybe, you would be free of him. Maybe you wouldn’t have to feel whatever this was, and he could go on with his quest for revenge. It would be better for both of you to part ways, but somewhere in that burnt, black heart of his, he didn’t really want to let you go. He wanted to keep you, all to himself, for the time he had left. He was selfish like that, and he was well aware of it, he just didn’t really care. Dabi felt conflicted. He didn’t want to let you go, but he also didn’t want to make you suffer like this.

“Get out then, if that’s what you want. You’re useless anyway” he scoffed.

You could feel your breath hitch in your throat when you heard what he said. You raised your head from your hands, tears still rolling down your cheeks, noticing he was looking down at you with that familiar burning hate in his eyes. You’d seen that hatred so many times before, but never directed at you, never had he looked at you like that.

You didn’t say anything. You just got up from the floor, wobbling a little, before he stepped away from the door and you could slip out. You couldn’t even look at him anymore, it was too painful.

You were gone, things were as they should be. He was alone, as he should be.

You didn’t know where you would go, you didn’t want to go home. Even though you had left your jacket at Dabi’s place, it was like you couldn’t even feel the cold. It was snowing and the wind had started to pick up, but you didn’t even notice it. You just wandered until you were too tired to move. It didn’t take long in that cold for you to be in such a state.

“I don’t care anymore…” you muttered as you fell down in the snow. “I don’t care…”

You couldn’t keep your eyes open anymore. Maybe you could just let yourself succumb to the cold. Dying of hypothermia was like going to sleep, or so you’d heard. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad way to go.

Just before you lost consciousness, you thought you heard someone calling your name as they approached, but who would do that? There was no one who cared about you anymore. 

Dabi felt like an idiot when he finally found you, actually he felt like an idiot the moment you were out the door. He had left his place with your jacket in hand, because you’d forgotten it. The last thing he wanted was for you to die of hypothermia. He headed in the direction of your place, hoping to basically throw the jacket at you and leave.

Dabi jogged the usual route to your apartment, but he didn’t see you. He got this pit in his stomach, if you weren’t here, where were you? One of your friends must have come to pick you up. Even though he tried to convince himself of that, the pit in his stomach just wouldn’t go away.

Dabi returned to his apartment building, kicking frozen chunks of snow out of his way. When he was almost there, he noticed someone laying in the snow. He took a few steps closer, his heart in his throat. It was you, dammit.

Dabi closed the distance between you, calling your name as he fell on his knees next to you.

He saw the moment you closed your eyes, the moment you gave up and let go. He wasn’t going to let you go, he refused to. It was a different thing to not have you in his life, he could bear that, but to know you were dead because of him, that he couldn’t take.

Dabi picked you up and carried you back to his apartment. You were so cold in his arms and it terrified him.

“Don’t you die on me now” he muttered as he set you down in his bed.

He laid as many blankets on you as he could find, which was only three. He then took his jacket and shirt off, before climbing under the covers with you. He pulled you close and held you.

Dabi’s normal temperature was quite a bit higher than someone’s without a fire quirk, so he was basically a portable heater. He knew he shouldn’t turn up the heat too much, because you were so close to him as to not hurt you, but he had to get you warm, he had to.

Dabi didn’t know how long he laid there with you, but once a quiet “warm” escaped your lips, and you snuggled closer to him, he felt like he could finally breathe. Maybe this was what it felt like to love someone, to feel like you couldn’t breathe when they weren’t well and safe.

[gunilslaugh]

Not How It's Supposed To Be

Goo Gunil Summary: Gunil was the enemy, so were you falling for him. (non-idol au) WC:925 Warning:none

part 2 part 3 epilogue!

photo not mine credits to owner.

Go undercover and get the evidence needed to take Gunil and his corrupted organization down. That was the plan, it was simple. However now that the plan is in action it doesn’t feel that simple. You knew Gunil was a bad guy. You knew about all the illegal business he was doing under the guise of his product distribution company. You knew that Gunil was distributing psychotropic drugs. Then how did you end up here? Why were you lying for Gunil instead of to him?

“You know the kind of people I hate most y/n?” Gunil asked you one day while you were having lunch together in his office. 

“What kind?” you questioned. 

“Liars,” he answered. Your heart dropped. Did he find out about you being undercover? Was he about to do something to you? Were you going to be able to walk out of this room?

“Who would like a liar?” You chuckled nervously. 

“My mom was a liar and so was the person I considered my best friend.” He went on to say. 

“I’m sorry,” you say. 

“You know it really does damage when the people closest to you lie to you.” He stabbed his fork harshly into the piece of meat in front of him, making you flinch. 

“I can only imagine.” Gunil stands up and comes over the couch opposite of him you were sitting on. 

“That’s right. You’ve never been hurt by someone close to you have you?” He very gently strokes your cheek with the back of his hand.

“Fortunately not,” you responded. Gunil smiled. 

“And you wouldn’t hurt someone close to you either right?” he asked. 

You shook your head. “I don’t want to hurt those close to me.” 

“Can I be close to you?” He leaned closer to you.

So maybe that’s how you found yourself in this situation. Because the more time you spend with Gunil. The more you learned his story. The more you felt for him. It doesn’t make what he does right, but you get why he does it. With the way life treated him, it only makes sense he turned into the villain that he is. 

“I don’t know. I’ve only been working here a month. Why would he tell all his dirty secrets to a new hire?” You told the people who you were supposed to be working with to take Gunil down. “There is a shipment going out soon, but I don’t know all the details,” you lied. A part of your job was literally managing shipping schedules. “I’ll look into it ok. I gotta go now.” You hung up the phone and let out a sigh. What were you doing? This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Yet the thought of something happening to Gunil tugged on your heartstrings. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Y/n?” Gunil’s secretary called you. 

“Yes?” you asked. 

“Mr. Goo requests you in his office,” he tells you. 

“Ok I’ll head there in a sec.” You saved the work you were working on before heading over to Gunil’s office. 

“If you don’t find who broke into the warehouse I’ll get rid of you for being useless, do you understand!” You hear Gunil shout from the other side of the door. His icy tone sends a shiver down your spine. You knocked twice on the door. 

“It’s me,” you say gently. 

“Come in y/n.” His voice is much softer now. You took a small breath before opening the door. 

“You wanted to see me,” you said. Gunil approaches you. 

“Yeah I did.” Next thing you know he’s melting into you. Wrapping his arms around your frame in a hug. You freeze in your spot. 

“...Is everything ok?” you asked. Very slowly you lift your hands and rest them against his back.

“Someone broke into the warehouse,” he tells you. You know exactly who it was. You feel something knot in your stomach. 

“Was anything stolen?” Gunil pulls away from you and straightens his tie, fixing his composure. 

“Fortunately not, but it was still a close call.” 

“Guni,” you say. 

“Yeah,” I know who it was. Those words sit right on the tip of your tongue. 

“Did you check the security cameras to see who it was?” You say instead. 

“They were wearing a cap and mask, so we couldn’t see. It was a man though,” he told you. You nodded. “Come sit.” Gunil motioned for you to sit down. Slowly you walked over to the couch and took a seat. Gunil then takes a seat beside you. “Did me asking to be close to you make you uncomfortable?” he questioned. 

“Huh? Oh, no it didn’t. Why are you asking?” you replied. 

“You just seem a bit distant with me since then,” he tells you. Cause that’s when you started feeling conflicted. You didn’t want to lie to Gunil anymore, but if stopped you’d be betraying your partners. 

“It’s not that. It’s just…remember when I said I don’t want to hurt those close to me?” you brought up. 

“Of course,” he said. 

“Well, I found myself in a situation where I have to make a decision and no matter what choice I make somebody's gonna get hurt,” you informed. 

“Which decision would make you the happiest?” he asked you.

“How can I be happy when I’m hurting someone?” 

“Then can you tell me what the situation is? Maybe I can handle it,” he suggested. Your heart sinks. 

“That’s the thing…there’s something you don’t know about me,” you say. 

“Which is?” He looked at you expectantly. 

“I’m a liar.”

part 2 part 3 epilogue!

Taglist: @purplelady85 @gingerjunhan @chewednails @ezlynkisses @mon2sunjinsuver @mxlly143

[starlightkun]

➠ word count: 2.4k ➠ warnings: cursing, explicit pre- and post-coitus descriptions (no smut but this one is definitely 18+, minors back off. you do not need to read this one to understand the rest of the series, i promise), implied unprotected sex (wrap it up, y’all— also reader is totally on birth control i SWEAR it’s just not TALKED ABOUT) ➠ genre: fluff, some minor angst, mature (as said in the warnings, 18+, minors stay out! if you skip this one, you will still understand the rest of the series), established relationship, former hockey captain sungchan, chronically ill reader (chronic migraines), shortfic in the buzzer beater series (after garbage goal, before saltwater smiles) ➠ extra info: the reader in this has chronic migraines, which i have. when the reader’s migraines, experiences as a chronically ill person, and thoughts about being chronically ill are described, that is me writing directly from my own life. i am not generalizing the lives of all people with chronic migraines/chronic illnesses, but i am sending all my love to any readers out there living with a chronic illness, and here’s a reminder to go take your meds! ➠ author’s note: i thought i was done with these two but they really do have me in a chokehold y’all 🤧 ➠ series masterlist

“I’m baby again?” He asked, his eyes sparkling hopefully.

“Oh, my Sungchannie,” you sighed, climbing onto his lap. His hands immediately found their natural place on your waist, looking up at you like he was holding the entire universe between his two palms. You looped your arms around his neck, the cool metal of your bracelet resting on the bare skin of the back of his neck. “You’re always going to be my guy. Don’t think one disagreement is going to free you. You’re stuck with me.”

“I love you so much,” Sungchan sighed, nuzzling his nose into your neck.

“Gross, you’re all sweaty,” you half-heartedly pushed at his bare chest pressed against your back, scooting forward to try to get away from the uncomfortable feeling of your hot skin sticking together. “Let me go.”

He just wrapped his arms around you tighter and pulled you back to him, a playful growl in his throat. “Say it back and I’ll consider it.”

“You’re such a loser,” you sighed, turning your neck to be able to peck the tip of his nose. “I love you, Channie.”

“I love you more, baby.” He connected your lips, earnestly slipping his tongue into your parted mouth. “Love you so much… can’t wait to marry you…” He breathed out between pants, cupping your cheek with one hand as his other traveled down the front of your body again. “And have the most beautiful babies with you… love of my life…”

You squeezed your eyes shut as his words stabbed you right in the chest, turning your head and rolling away from his grasp. “Sungchan, we’ve talked about this.”

There was pain and confusion on his features as he watched you sit up at the edge of the bed. He scrambled to follow you up, sitting next to you.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” He wrapped an arm tightly around your shoulders, pecking your temple. “I know what you said—the migraines are genetic, you don’t want to risk passing them on. I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.”

“But that’s what you want, isn’t it?” You sniffled, feeling tears rise in your eyes and a lump start forming in your throat. “Kids…”

“Baby, I want kids with you, because I love you.” Sungchan grabbed both your hands, squeezing them tightly. “And I mean—would it really be the worst thing for them to possibly get migraines? If they were even half as amazing as you in every other way?”

Your hands went limp in his as you stared him down. “Sungchan. Think about how you feel every time I have a migraine, and you can’t do anything to help. How useless you are. Now picture how you’d feel if our kid had one. Our baby. Twelve, ten, eight years old. Sobbing in your arms because it hurts so bad, begging you, their dad, to make it stop, just make it stop, but you can’t. And I can’t. Maybe they get the nausea part of it too, and they’re throwing up, and they get dehydrated and we have to take them to the ER because they can’t hold anything down and their muscles are cramping up and everything hurts so bad. What if they have to get brain MRIs, Sungchan? Imagine them being all alone in that machine, nobody to hold their hand. Not to mention— I can’t take any of my medications from the day we decide to start trying, while I’m pregnant, and while I’m breastfeeding. So in addition to everything I’d have to go through being pregnant, I could have migraines four or five times a week for… over a year? Two years? But hey, maybe they’ll get my smile and your eyes, at least, right?”

Sungchan’s eyes were brimming with tears, and he swallowed thickly. “I get it, I get it…”

You shook off his hands, standing up and wrapping your arms around yourself, suddenly feeling too cold sitting naked in your bedroom. “I have to go shower… I’m sweaty and have… cum dripping out of me.”

The shower that was usually cramped when the two of you were packed in there together felt oddly big now as you washed up by yourself, harshly scrubbing at your skin. You stared blankly at the water droplets running down the tiles long after you’d finished washing up, standing there as the water turned lukewarm, until it was freezing cold and you were forced out shivering. Turning the spray off, you grabbed a fluffy towel to dry off with, stepping out into the still-steamy bathroom.

You stopped at the vanity, the foggy mirror looking too empty without Sungchan filling it up from behind you, distracting you from your skincare routine under the guise of “helping.” You could hear him still moving around in your bedroom, and part of you wished you didn’t have the sick feeling in your stomach that you did every time you fought so you could pull him in and do his skincare too. You loved your quiet, silly nights when you got to put a fluffy character headband on him and apply a face mask and rub in various moisturizers and the like all while listening to music and sitting in his lap, exchanging pecks on the nose every so often.

It was a rarity when you and Sungchan did anything more than lightheartedly bicker about stupid, inconsequential things—you were sure you could count the number of real fights you’d had in five years on one hand and have extra fingers leftover—but every time you did, it made you feel like you were going to be sick, and you always lost your appetite.

Something sitting on your vanity next to all your bottles and creams caught your attention. Your fingers graced over the corded blue and orange bracelet, tracing the five familiar beads fondly. 27JSC. It was a memento now, of his collegiate hockey career, and the bubbly beginnings of your relationship in your last year of undergrad. As your lives changed, the token no longer coordinated with your professional office wear you had to don day in and day out, something that you thought would have made your clingy boyfriend pout. But instead, he had excitedly gifted you the bracelet you were wearing now, a dainty and stylish silver chain, with five small silver letters—27JSC.

You still put the old bracelet on every so often, when you were invited back to watch the big games along with the other graduated players. The first home game of the season, league rivals, and of course the championship series.

You finished your after-shower skin routine and cautiously treaded back out to the bedroom, towel still wrapped tightly around you to protect you from the cold air. Sungchan was no longer in your bedroom, and you could hear him ransacking the pantry. While you lost your appetite when you fought, Sungchan was the opposite, very much an eat-his-feelings type of guy.

Without hesitation or another thought, you grabbed a pair of panties and shorts from your side of the drawers and a t-shirt from his side, the top covering pretty much all of your bottoms. You stopped at the dresser after getting dressed, grabbing the top and taking a few deep breaths. The image of Sungchan with tears in his eyes flashed in your mind again, and you shook your head. You hated that you had done that. But the conversation that immediately preceded those tears replayed in your mind, and your fingers gripped the furniture tighter. Had he really not listened to you the first time? Did he think he could change your mind about it or something? You wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy, how could he ask you to risk giving it to your kid, the one person you were supposed to love more than anybody else? More than him? It just struck you as a total misalignment of values... something you needed to talk about more, make sure you really understood where his head and his heart were at.

With one final deep breath, you pushed the bedroom door open wide, and walked out towards the kitchen hesitantly. Sungchan had his hand stuffed in a bag of chips, and you saw several other containers of snacks strewn around on the countertops. As he spotted you, he didn’t bring the handful he had just grabbed out, instead dropping it back in and wiping his mouth with the side of his palm.

“Hey...” You said quietly, stopping at the threshold between the kitchen and living room. “Are you ready to talk? Or do you want some more time?”

“I can talk, yeah,” he nodded, setting the chip bag down. “Let me uh, let me wash my hands and put all this away, then we can sit wherever you want. Kitchen table, couch.”

“Okay.” You gave him a small smile, turning back around to head into the living room. You sat down on one of the central cushions as you heard the sink running, then the crinkle of bags being rolled back up.

When Sungchan finally joined you again, he didn’t sit as close as he normally would’ve, but it wasn’t an awkward amount of distance. Just enough to allow you two to focus on the topic at hand.

He wrung his hands over his lap, offering you a nervous smile. You decided to go first.

“I shouldn’t have called you useless, I’m sorry,” you apologized sincerely, remembering the hurt that had come across his face as soon as the word left your mouth. “That was… just mean of me. You’re not useless. It’s easier to get through the migraines when you’re with me, you make me feel less alone and that makes a big difference.”

Sungchan offered a hand out palm-up in the space between you, and you set yours atop it. He squeezed your hand, his always much bigger and warmer than yours in comparison. “Do you remember that Halloween party? Before we started dating, when you had asked me to stay with you during that migraine.”

“Of course. It was... you were great. I fell for you before I even knew it.”

“The next morning, when we were sitting on Jeno’s bed in that nasty fucking frat house—”

That earned a chuckle from you, and Sungchan smiled bittersweetly, running his thumb over yours.

“—you were telling me about how you just wanted your pain to be real to somebody, because after so long, the word ‘migraine’ had sort of lost all meaning to the people around you. I let that happen to me, too. I was dismissive of all your pain and was even willing to put it on a hypothetical child of ours for a selfish reason. I’m so sorry for doing that to you, for making you feel like that, for becoming one of those people. I’m so, so sorry.”

You brought a hand up to stroke his cheek, his face more manly now than it had been on that Halloween night he had just described. “I forgive you. And I hope you don’t think this is the end of the kids conversation for us. I love the idea of starting a family with you, too. I think you’ll be a great dad. I just… Chronic migraines have a genetic component and I can’t stand the thought of passing on this kind of pain to my kid. You understand that, right? Please tell me you get that?”

“Yeah, of course. And I didn’t even think about you going off your meds either. God, I’m so sorry.” He leaned his head into your touch. “You’ll be the best mom. And I know that because you’re already making the best choices for them and they don’t even exist.”

You smiled softly at that. “I… probably could’ve been less… vivid earlier. It was a bit harsh.”

“No, I needed a reality check. A good slap out of the post-nut haze I was in.”

“Yeah, because you would’ve enjoyed a real slap,” you snickered, pulling on his ear gently.

He pouted at you. “Are you kink-shaming me?”

“No, just teasing you, baby.” You pinched his chin and wiggled his head back and forth.

“I’m baby again?” He asked, his eyes sparkling hopefully.

“Oh, my Sungchannie,” you sighed, climbing onto his lap. His hands immediately found their natural place on your waist, looking up at you like he was holding the entire universe between his two palms. You looped your arms around his neck, the cool metal of your bracelet resting on the bare skin of the back of his neck. “You’re always going to be my guy. Don’t think one disagreement is going to free you. You’re stuck with me.”

You leaned down to sink your teeth into the side of his neck, biting and sucking a mark into his skin. He immediately groaned, his hips pushing up into yours and his hands gripping onto you with a bruising strength.

“Nowhere else I want to be, than right here with my girl.” He was already breathing heavily. “God, so obsessed with you, baby. Could stay here and make love to you all day every day.”

“‘Make love?’” You repeated with a giggle, kissing a trail up his neck until you were sitting up straight again, looking him in the eye as you asked, “Not fuck my brains out?”

“Can do both at the same time,” he grinned, scooping you up in his arms bridal style. “Fuck your brains out lovingly.”

You let out a squeal of surprise, throwing your arms around his shoulders as the couch went out from under you. “Gah! Maybe your post-hockey hobby shouldn’t have been weightlifting. You scare the hell out of me every time you do that, Channie.”

“You love it and you know it.” He shook his head at you, looking pointedly at where your hands were gripping his well-defined shoulder and back muscles.

“I’m invoking my right to remain silent.”

“Don’t be too quiet.” He dropped you gently onto the many pillows at the head of your bed, immediately climbing over you. “We don’t have a baby to wake up yet.”

“Slow your roll, you haven’t even proposed,” you teased, sliding down flat on your back, grabbing his collar to bring his lips down to meet yours as you did.

“I’m— mmh— working on it,” he promised between kisses. “My girl deserves the best. Need it to be so special.”

“You’ve been saying that for almost a year,” you reminded him, pulling insistently at his shirt hem.

He obediently yanked his sweatshirt off, tossing it to the side before locking his lips with yours again. “Impatient?”

“To marry you? Mm, maybe,” you hummed, running your hand appreciatively up and down his pecs and abs. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” he moaned just at the thought, latching onto your collarbone. “I’d elope with you right now if you asked me to.”

He paused for a half beat, as if waiting to see if you would, then continued on when you didn’t. “I’m going to make it perfect for you, baby. Promise. Anything for my girl.”

“Well in the meantime…” You reached a hand down, palm out with your fingers spread, and Sungchan immediately laced his fingers with yours. You brought your linked hands up above your head, smiling down at him. “How about you fuck your girl’s brains out lovingly?”

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