#i feel bad for letting this blog go kind of dead but i've been meaning to bring it back lately!

[artist-issues]

You're my new favorite blog! You have no idea how I wish I could peck inside your brain like a chicken. 😭😂😂 I am a Catholic and a recovering agnostic. I struggle with letting go of my old way of life and philosophy constantly, I have been struggling with it since the day I decided to revert - that was back in 2017. (I think you would like to know my journey back to the Faith started after watching HBO's The Young Pope! 👌🏼) At this point I don't know if I'll ever be the person the Lord wants me to be, oh well, I'll die trying and I know that will mean something.

I just know I can't go back to being a non-believer, because as Carl Young said, now I don't just believe, I know. The irony is my struggle to believe in something I know to be objectively the Truth.

I have a question for you though, actually I hope for some advice from you. How do I reconcile with the reality that I haven't become who I dreamed to become (like career wise), but now that a new career has been shoved upon me (a career my parents wanted for me - and they valued safety and stability over "following my dreams" I suppose)? ...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because it is an extremely noble profession and it pays quite well.

The thing is, as much as I try to accept my new career, I keep telling myself and to others that I'm doing this for my parents and not because I want to be here. I feel terrible about it. But, again, it's not like I am unfulfilled (I am unhappy though, but that comes with the work culture/environment, I feel like I am surrounded by 40+ year old teenagers); as a matter of fact, I do think I know - objectively - in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants me to be? But I keep fighting against it, keep struggling against this sense of vocational calling that I'm feeling towards my new job, instead I desperately wanna give into my want to go "live the life I want." Like throw this all away, get new training and start all over with the career I wanted all those years ago.

I want to be better, to be sacrificial like Christ on the Cross. I've always known I had a little depression (comes with my disability from a young age and this whole dream thing); I have been suicidal over this, I actually used to joke with myself that I'd kill myself if I don't achieve my professional goals by the time I turned 25. I will turn 30 this September and even though I haven't been literally dead, I feel like I've been in a vegetative state - mentally - ever since the day I turned 25. I hope that makes sense.

I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago since my mental health started affecting my new job - she did say I have depression and is trying to help me but I just don't know if I want to be helped at all, because I am unable to do the exercises she tells me (like create a routine, exercise well, write down good thoughts, etc.) I feel like I'm failing myself, my parents and, most importantly, my Heavenly Father.

I apologise if this is nonsensical, I apologise for dumping all of this on you - random stranger on the internet - but idk I felt like maybe you'd have something wise to tell me to knock some sense into me (without a bump to prove it hehe).

Thank you and God bless! 🥰

You’re very kind, and I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share all this with me! I really never have anything good of my own to say, or any wisdom to offer, except what I “steal” from God…and I guess what I mean is, if I ever say anything helpful or good or true, I’m just the messenger. I didn’t come up with it. On my own I have zero wisdom or good things to offer.

Anyway, I was surprised reading this because I have gone through (been going through) a similar sort of mindset. I went to school for the career I dreamed about (still dream about) and I worked hard and I wanted it more than anybody around me (very Mike Wasowski in MU of me) and it hasn’t happened the way I planned, or in my timetable.

I mean, in all humility: I work with a studio making a tv show, but it hasn’t got off the ground yet, and I work for a company that writes movie reviews, but neither of those things pay my bills. I have a third job, working with therapists, that’s nothing like what I always wanted to do. That’s my “career,” but it’s not the career I’m passionate about and working toward. And I wonder if I’ll ever do anything “major” in the line of work I love and went to school for. And when I do, I have gotten into some really dark mental places.

Forgive me for not using the words “depression” or “suicidal.” I hate using those words because they’re overused and romanticized and flooding the culture. But more importantly I hate using them because the only thing I identify with is Christ, not any mental struggle I try to slither back into, like a snake trying to put back on old skin. I’m not my overthinking—I’m not my depression—I’m not my suicidal thoughts or emotions—I am one with Christ. Those are things inside me that are defeated and dead—the teeth have been knocked out of them. They just gum me from time to time. So I want you to know I empathize with you, but that’s my point and that’s how I want to answer you:

The only thing about you that really matters is Christ.

Who He says you are, what He has done and how He lived, which is applied to you because He said it is, by grace alone, through faith alone. No matter how you feel.

And I say that to you, as the answer, because I think you and I focus too much on what could be and what “should be” as if God has a set path for us, and if we don’t figure out what it is and walk it, we’ll have a less-fulfilling life. “If I stay at my therapy job and just work with teenagers and write on my blog for the rest of my life, I’ll be fine, but I won’t be as good as I could be.” Or for you. “If I stay in this career I’m in, the one my parents backed me into, I’ll make it, I’ll be fine, but I’ll never be as happy as I want to be.” We’re both thinking, every once in a while, “This is career is what God wants for me, and all my misery is coming from not submitting to it, and if I could just wrestle my contentment into place and give up the thing I want, and submit to what God wants, I’d be fulfilled.”

But how do we know any of those thoughts are true? How do we know God wants us in these boring old careers we wouldn’t have chosen—didn’t choose? Or, how do we know these boring old careers are what we’re stuck in because we didn’t take the plunge and work harder for our “dreams,” which were what He really wanted us to do? How do we know either of those things?

We don’t. We don’t get to know. That’s the point.

Because that’s not how God works. Not from what I can tell in the Bible.

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”. Colossians 3:17.

Whatever you do. Not “the one specific thing you figure out He wants you to do.”

My mom described it to me once when I was in a really dark place trying to figure out what He wanted me to do, paralyzed with indecision, afraid He wanted me to do something I just didn’t want to do, like this: “God doesn’t hold out one flower and say, ‘this is the one I want you to have, so you can either take it or take something worse.’ God makes a field of flowers, and He says, ‘Which one do you want? Pick one, and do it with excellence for Me.’ Then just trust Him to make it good.”

It sounds like you’re in a career, but you are wrestling with whether or not to pick it, now that you have some autonomy as an adult, or to pick starting over. Well. Pick one. Just pick one. And trust God to take care of you. Trusting God looks like thinking it through with excellence, then making the decision—and making the decision means letting go of worrying about the thing you didn’t pick. “Take every thought captive in obedience to Christ.” Once you make a choice, make it all the way, and don’t let your mind wander anymore to “what if this blows up in my face? What if I should’ve stayed back there at the crossroads, or gone down the other path?” It’s going to be hard and God is going to take care of you, no matter what you pick. So don’t let your mind go to those places where you worry; acknowledge the worry, and every time, ask God to help you remember that He’s got you.

Because here’s the point, here’s the thing: He does have you. Because ultimately, your career really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t, it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Neither does your dream. Not ultimately. And now I’ll say “our” because I need to hear it too. Our dreams and careers are not the point of us, and our dreams and careers are not what God means when He says “I’ll take care of you.”

What He means is, “I’ve already taken care of you.” Because the most important thing isn’t our job or our dream. The most important thing is, we’ve been rescued out of eternally being trapped in our broken desires, and now we get to live for Christ, Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. That’s the major. And that truth is where our fulfillment is supposed to come from, what our lives are meant for, our purpose. As long as we pick one, and do it with excellence to make the name of Jesus famous, with that goal in mind, we’ll be emotionally fulfilled. We’ll be satisfied. Because that’s the goal. Not making movies, or whatever it is you want to do. Not having secure means of living. Just…living our lives to make who Jesus is famous. We can do that wherever.

So then the choice? It becomes a minor, not a major, and the pressure of “will I be happy?” is off, because happiness isn’t found in that stuff. And whenever I forget, and start looking for happiness in my dreams, goals, career, that’s when it all starts to feel dark and stressful and hard and crushing. Because it was never meant to give me happiness or fulfillment—that’s a need only Christ can fulfill.

Don’t misunderstand me. He cares what you do. He cared about every decision you make, and He does have a plan. But that’s going to happen anyway. So just pray, consider which option is a) wise to go for and takes care of the responsibilities God has entrusted you with, b) which option you genuinely want, when your wants are not influenced by fears, and then c) step out and do it in faith. And do it with the mindset of, “I’m doing this, and I’m not thinking about the alternative if I can help it, and I’m also not putting all my happiness-eggs in this basket, because even if it crashes and burns, hey, I’m still one with Christ and I can still make Him famous no matter what road my career goes down.”

I hope this helps. It’s a subject I’m hamster-wheeling around in my mind right now a lot—but when I just fix my eyes on Christ and think about how the most important things, the things that give real joy and happiness, are already and forever taken care of and I can’t mess them up—then can get off the hamster wheel and enjoy the life He’s given me, right now, today, without worrying about the future.

[neppednep]

Hey! If you're busy feel free to ignore this, but could I please get some romantic headcanons for Red Hood? No hard feelings if you don't want to, since she's not on the masterlist or anything, or if you just don't want to do it. But if you do end up doing it then thanks a lot for taking the time out of your life, as well as keeping this blog running.

I wish you a good day, as well as luck in any future endeavors!

Red Hood Romantic HCs

I wanted to make a part for Dorothy too, but I've been busy as hell, so that'll probably come after I get through a couple other asks.

Also, if a charcter isn't in the Nikke masterlist, feel free to still request. I have to remake it one of these days because of the photo limit. Anyways, sorry for being late and hope you enjoy.

》 Being in a relationship with Red Hood can be a mixed bag. On one hand, you two really do love each other, even through the whole alien invasion, pretty much the end of humanity thing. On the other hand, you two don't get as much time together as you used to and even that is an understatement. Between her new duties as a Nikke and worrying whether or not she'll make it back home after her missions, it can get stressful.

》 You would be lying if you said it was easy when she first became a Nikke though. The two of you weren't exactly well off, living in a relatively small village away from most of the fighting. You didn't really think much of it, not realizing just how bad it was until raptures practically appeared out of nowhere, killing everyone in sight. While you were evacuated… you couldn't find her. The only proof of her existence being the cassette player she gifted a friend of yours.

Your breath freezes in your throat as you stare at the red haired woman, proudly walking down the street with a gun damn near twice her size tossed over her shoulder. You don't even know what to feel.

》 Imagine your surprise, spending months thinking she was dead until you saw her and a few others, still alive, receiving a hero's welcome at the city you were staying at.

Relief?

Confusion?

Happiness?

You couldn't even move, practically stuck in place as you stare at the spitting image of your supposedly dead girlfriend.

She scans the crowd, her eyes eventually land on you, having to double take before stopping dead in her tracks. You have no time to react before you see a huge smile on her face. Her weapon falls to the ground with a loud crash and the next thing you know your feet leave the ground as you're taken into a bone crushing huh.

No words really needed to be spoken between the two of you, everyone else in the crowd forgotten. You just bury your head into her large chest, letting reality sink in.

She's still alive and back with you, so you won't complain.

》 It really doesn't seem like much has even changed, besides that hug she goes right back to how everything was before. Immediately dragging you off with strength you didn't think possible. She wasn't a small woman by any means but it just wasn't human. After she introduced you to her squad and catching up, you found out she wasn't. It was a lot to take in. She did die… kind of? Then got turned into some powerful android who fights aliens for the sake of humanity.

》 Irrelevant. By the end of the day you two were in your house, listening to the cassette player she never seemed to get tired of.

》 She did seem a bit different though, only through very small things anyone else wouldn't really notice. Red Hood was definitely more clingy than she used to be, not to mention she was practically treating you like you were made of glass most of the time. It wasn't a bad thing though, just relaxing in her arms, getting the pillow treatment.

》 It did kind of suck when she had to go out on missions. She was on the best and one of the only squads around, but you still worried whether she'd make it back home or not.

》 Dates are certainly fun. Taking you to a shooting range, though not letting you shoot her gun of course, as you'd probably do more damage to yourself than the target. She's quite fond of showing off in simulations, or just going to see a movie or concert, though needless to say those are exceptionally rare these days.

》 Speaking of shooting ranges, out of everyone in her squad, Snow White is someone Red Hood loves to bring around. She's a nice girl, if a bit childish but she definitely looks up to Red Hood, and you to a certain extent. If you like guns or shooting, she'll be coming over a lot to run ideas through you or just hang out, almost seeing you as an older sibling.

》 Definitely protective of you. Not that many people would really try to hurt you. Your girlfriend is part of the Goddess Squad and an android that can tear through even the strongest Raptures with ease. Even then, she won't resort to violence too quickly, usually just using her words to drive them off. If that doesn't work… a flick probably won't kill them.

》 Red Hood is more romantic then her relatively rough and playful exterior lets on. You can't really blame her, you two didn't have the best life growing up, after all. Some nights it'll just be you two staring into the setting sun in a comfortable silence. She does still have a girly side buried deep somewhere in here, though it rarely comes out. She claims doing stuff like that just reminds her of what she’s fighting for, but with the way she stares at you, you know it's deeper than that.

》 It was quite the surprise when one day, out of nowhere, Red Hood approached you saying she was going on her last mission. You were a bit confused, but she brushed it off saying she's been fighting for long enough and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.

》 Was… that some kind of proposal?

》 If it was, you didn't have time to blink, let alone even ask before her face flushed red as she gave her usual smile and speeding off. You just chuckled and shook your head. She was always a free spirit, and you know she'll be back. She always comes back.

[hetalia-club]

I'm not normally one to rant or anything but here goes.

I hesitate to tag this. but I feel it needs to be said, in fact I feel it HAS to be said or I think this fandom is just going to be done for within the next 5 or so years. People need to read this and understand what is happening within the fandom and not continue this behavior or turn a blind eye to it.

This fandom has a SERIOUS problem. I don't say that lightly either. I feel like 99% of this fandom are sweet and caring people. but we have that 1%.

This 1% is killing the community in this fandom. How is it okay to message someone, demand they make a statement on THEIR blog and when they say they don't want to talk about it you then tell them you wish they would die a horrible death?

TW for suicide and SA! (you have been warned) Long rant below. (preempted note to let everyone know that I am fine, I am not posting this for people to feel bad for me. I am using my own experiences as examples, but this is not a 'me' issue this is a fandom issue)

Why is that so normalized here? The vague blogging and the call to arms people in this fandom do is actually disgusting. Picking one person and just beating them down until they eventually leave the fandom and at the SAME people will be like. "Why is the Hetalia fandom so small?" Who wants to be in a fandom where making one statement that's not even bad could get you death threats?

I don't think the fandom realizes how hurtful what they say can be. Sure you might not have liked a post someone made because you disagreed. Well then scroll down, hit the block button and carry on with your life. Why do some of you feel it is acceptable behavior to make mass posts calling out someone or going into their inbox to tell them you wish they would kill themselves?

I say I don't like Spamano and people say they want me dead. I say I don't want to talk about IRL politics on my parody Hetalia blog and my life and entire country is threatened.

I say we shouldn't insert our ships into everyone's lives and let people ship what they want and not feel forced to appease you. and you guessed it people wish terrible things onto me and my body.

I feel the only way this behavior will change is if we start calling it out more. I know it will feel repetitive but I think ignoring it is only making it worse at this point.

I know a lot of people would read this and think "If you don't like it then leave the fandom" well YOU'RE the issue. This is not normal behavior. These are not actions of someone who is mentality well. Why should I leave a fandom I've been in for 10 years because some idiot cannot handle that I don't like shipping characters together? How is that impacting their life at all?

a few months ago I made a post and it was highjacked and someone totally just took it over and added their own thing onto it talking about SA. Totally out of left field not related to what I posted at all. I simply messaged them and asked them if they could please remove the comment as I am a survivor of SA and it don't think it was funny or appropriate to add onto my post and they just said. "No I can say anything I want to. I was talking about Hetalia so it's fine." like what do you mean no!? Who responds that way? What a normal considerate person would do is say "I'm sorry of course! I can just go make my own post." but no they just left it there. It's still there, won't say which post or who it was because it doesn't matter anymore.

But this is the kind of behavior I'm talking about. This weird entitlement of everyone being so defensive and angry all the time. Just wanting to pick a fight over nothing. You never know if simply saying something like (Example) "I don't really like Austria" Could land you 100 anons all saying they wanted you to off yourself. It's like a game of Russian roulette. It's a very stressful environment for a big creator to be in. All it really takes is the wrong person to see a post you made and disagreed with and all of a sudden they are making posts about you without mentioning your name but are CLEARLY about you saying "This person hates all Austrians, they are a neo-nazi and we should all block them and send them hate and also let's just reword what they said to make it sound 100x worse because people won't read the original post and they will just believe us." Who would want to be a creator in an environment like that?

would you believe me if I told you I still to this day am getting someone in my inbox calling for my r*pe because of the stupid fucking beauty pageant poll I did? Is that not insanity? Who is that person? Wtf is their life? I personally could not imagine sending hate to anyone for any reason, and if I did it would be off of anon and I would say it with my chest. Because in order for someone to push it that far they would have to saying some absolutely terrible stuff to make me take time from my day and life to give them negative energy.

The fandom is shrinking because of the 1% driving them away. They come after artists who draw a character in a way they don't like. They come after writers for depicting a character in a way they disagree with. They go after shippers for portraying their ship 'wrong'. They will comment on people's fun little head canons and just leave the rudest most unnecessary comments thinks like "He wouldn't do that" like okay?? Thanks for your insert betty sue. And it's always when you were never trying to set someone off is when they lose their minds. They do not understand even if a blog is big and has a lot of followers it is still THAT creators blog. they are a person not an identity who just churns out content for just you and they have to say and do whatever you want.

Another thing the 1% like to do on here is they will wait for you to say something and then they will jump to attack a person who does the thing you said you dislike and they will tell that person "blog name XYZ said you are a horrible person and I agree kill yourself" That one is a near direct quote I got not too long ago. I got several like that and actually had to message said creator and say "Why are you mad at me?" and they were completely confused, had no idea how they decided to attack me because of what they said. When I tell you that the 1% are sitting there frothing at the mouth wanting to send hate and death threats I mean that 100%

It's not JUST me either. All creators in the Hetalia fandom I'm sure could tell you about upsetting hate they received and had no idea what they even did or said wrong. I have spoken to former Hetalia blogs ones who I used to call my pals before I went on my hiatus and came back. They all said they left not because they started hating Hetalia but they left for their mental health because the 1% got too bold and unchecked. This was never an issue before quarantine. I know it brought a lot of new fans and that's great! But I also feel along with bringing in some wonderful people it brought in some really dark minded people as well. Saying "Just disable anons and move on" is also not a solution. these people are still here and if they're not bothering me or you they are tormenting someone else because that's what these people do. That 'someone else' may only need the tiniest nudge at the edge and they may just actually hurt themselves. You don't know people. You don't know what everyone is going through. You don't know what someone's life is like outside of here.

PLEASE Please! stop telling people to kill themselves. Stop telling people to go get R**ed in a gutter. Get some help talk to a therapist, a friend, a trusted teacher, a life coach, your parents, your sibling. anyone! And if you don't have anyone in your life you can talk to you can message me and we can talk about what you're going through. I'm sure any other Hetalian on here would say the same thing. Bloggers are real people.

International suicide hotlines

Website to help you find a therapist in your own country and in your price range

I know I will more than likely get hate for posting this. Which is upsetting to just know is going to happen but someone needs to say this because it's getting kind of out of control these last couple months I feel.

if you read this through reblog it, spread it around let the people who NEED to see it see it.

[got-into-worm-by-mistake]

Interlude 11h, Live Reactions

Okay.

So.

This is the one I've been really waiting for. So I'm going to go all out for this, because it's, you know, the Interlude. The only one from Arc 11 really worth reading. A key reason I'm even reading Worm in the first place, since if Amy hadn't done this and all that flows from it, Worm probably wouldn't have caught my interest enough back when I made that errant comment.

All the attendant 'this is a live reaction' stuff applies.

Amy sat on her bed, staring at the piece of paper in her hands.  The header at the top was stylized, a silhouette of a superhero with a cape flowing, with a script reading ‘The Guild’ extending to the right.

Given how Amy is going to be reasonably important for the next few arcs, and then show up significantly more in the back half of the work than she did Arcs 1-11, I kind of feel like...

This is too late to be getting our first Amy POV?

I mean, Amy's been sort of lurking at the end of the narrative for a while, and blind readers have presumably guessed all the teases about Amy are building up to something, and they are, but like...

A lot has to be fit into this Interlude, all at once, and maybe some of it could have, and indeed should have, been shown earlier, I'm gonna guess?

Like, any hypothetical worm TV show is absolutely going to have to show some of Amy's life much sooner than this. It's just not going to work if this is suddenly the first glimpse we get of Amy's perspective.

But also, BABYGIRL! AMY! MY LITTLE MEOW MEOW!

Mrs. Carol Dallon.  Brandish, Let me open by stating my condolences for the loss of your brother-in-law, nephew, and your husband’s injury.  I have heard New Wave is currently considering disbanding, and you have my best wishes, whatever route you end up taking.  We have too few heroes and heroines to lose them, and even fewer of the truly good heroes and heroines who set the standard for everyone else, parahuman and human alike.  If finances ever become a concern, know that all you need to do is ask, and we will find you employment among the Guild’s uncostumed staff. Knowing what you have been through as of late, it is with a heavy heart that I send you this message with further bad news.  Marquis, interred in the Baumann Parahuman Containment Center, confided to another inmate that he fears for his daughter’s life.  I have checked the facts to the best of my ability, and the details I have been able to dig up match with his story.  I must warn you that Allfather may have arranged for Amy Dallon to be murdered at some future date, in revenge for his own daughter’s death at Marquis’ hands.

Dragon.

Really.

Bitch.

WHY? Allfather is dead. Kaisar is dead. What made you think that this threat is at all likely to be borne out?!

She had to stop reading there.  The paper had been on Carol’s bedside table, and Amy had found it while collecting a change of clothes for Mark a week ago.  Carol had probably been reading it to him late the previous night, and maybe forgot to put it away due to a mixture of exhaustion and the distractions that came with waking up each morning to a disabled husband and a ten-year career in jeopardy.

This is Carol. Fuck her. She left it out on purpose.

(Okay, probably not, but remember This Is A Carol Dallon Hate Blog)

Marquis had been an aspiring crime lord in the bad old days of Brockton Bay.  It had been a time when the villains had been flocking to the city to profit off the booming tech and banking sectors, to recruit mooks and henchmen from the city’s unemployed dockworkers.  It had been an era when the heroes hadn’t been properly established, and the villains had been confident enough that some didn’t give a second thought to murdering any heroes who got in their way.  Marquis included. The bad old days were how Carol and Mark referred to that time.  There were more heroes now, and there was more balance between the good guys and the bad, but things were arguably worse now.  Everything was in shambles. Marquis had been an osteokinetic.  A manipulator of both his own bone and, provided some was exposed, the bones of his enemies.  He’d been notorious enough that she’d heard about him despite the fact that he’d been arrested more than a decade ago, that the city and the public had remembered him.  He’d lived in the outskirts of the city, residing in a large house in the woods, just beneath the mountains.

If Amy wasn't quite so neurotic, and hadn't been gifted by so many fucking issues by Carol, Marquis being her dad shouldn't have bothered her this much.

Because yes, villain. Yes, evil. But also - less evil than the Teeth. Less evil than E88. Less evil than Galvante. He was notorious. He did do a lot of bad things. But of all the options that were likely, he's... the best one? Unironically, any of the alternatives of that era would have been worse.

It's kind of hilarious, in an infuriating way, she melts down so much over the news that the best behaved of Brockton Bay's old class of villains is her dad. And it's because Carol gave her this stark, black and white 'Criminal is a state of being, not defined by choice' mindset.

So convinced that she's a monster already, between her power, her feelings for Vicky and Mommy dearest, this just feels like proof.

To all reports, the man had been heartless, callous.  Wasn’t she?  She couldn’t bring herself to care anymore when she went to the hospitals to heal the injured and sick.  It was a chore, something she made herself do because people wouldn’t understand if she stopped.  There were only so many people she could heal before she became desensitized to it.

Because you became inured to it, Amy! You did care once! Don't do this to yourself!

*shakes Amy by the shoulders* PLEASE!

Not hard to pull the pieces together.  She could remember how quickly Neil had dropped the subject when he realized she was listening.  He hadn’t outright said that they’d caught Marquis, but she could imagine that the weaknesses that Neil had been outlining had been what they’d used.  Send Lady Photon, Brandish and Fleur against the man.  Add the fact that Amy had been there, a toddler, and Marquis had been too concerned about collateral damage to go all out.

Toddler? Wait, I thought Amy was six?

Oh, right, #Wildbowsucksattime

But yeah. Let's attack the supervillain in his own home and let his daughter get caught in the crossfire! Oh, you didn't know about her? And if you'd killed her, that would have mattered not at all.

The slight hurt more than she’d expected.  It wasn’t like it was something new.  It had been going on for weeks.  And it was fully deserved.

No. It really isn't. Fuck you Victoria. Amy has very good, if probably misguided, reasons for not doing brains. Leaving aside the fact of her fears of her power and stuff, messing with brains is no simple prospect. Even if she could heal him, there's no guarantee it's Mark again. And if she did heal him and he came out not Mark, not the Mark they knew, who the fuck do you think gets the blame for that from Carol?

Sure as shit not you, Vicky!

Like, yes, Back in Interlude 2, we get a bit of foreshadowing, Vicky's belief that Amy does need to learn to do brains, needs to accept she may need to do them. And Vicky was right then. But she has no right to get angry at Amy, to act like what Amy is doing by refusing to break her rule, is doing something wrong. Yes, I wish Amy would do this. I wish Amy would be willing to break her rule, just a little, to help Mark.

But pressuring Amy like this, getting upset with her, guilting her - fuck you, Vicky. Fuck you.

Again, I feel like this is the sort of thing we needed to see sooner.

It was all falling apart.  This family had never fully accepted her.  Being in the midst of a family that all worked together, it was hard to preserve secrets.  Amy had learned a few years ago, overhearing a conversation between Carol and Aunt Sarah, that Carol had initially refused to take her in.  Her adoptive mother had only accepted in the end because she’d had a job and Aunt Sarah didn’t.  One kid to Aunt Sarah’s two.  When she’d taken Amy in, it hadn’t been out of love or caring, but grudging obligation and a sense of duty.

Hm. And maybe, just maybe, that's why Amy feels so obligated to burn herself out by constantly healing. Maybe, just maybe.

Jesus christ, I will be forever amazed that Wildbow created a character that is the fucking PLATONIC IDEAL of a Woobifiable character and then had the gall to be surprised people were woobifying her.

Man just never has understood how fandom works.

Victoria was appalled, seething with anger, brimming with resentment, because Amy couldn’t, wouldn’t, heal their father. They’d fought, and Amy hadn’t been able to defend her position, 

I find that very hard to believe. it's not hard to defend 'doing brains is a very bad idea'.

Then again, Amy is under insane stress and pressure and people aren't very good at reasoning through shit under pressure.

Again, I really feel like this needed to be spaced out better. Maybe 11h being the first Amy POV is fair, I can see why he'd do that, but these details about Mark, at least? That needed to come out sooner. It's just -

Too much is being packed in here. Too much.

The letter.  Carol wasn’t angry in the same way Victoria was.  What Amy felt from her ‘mother’ was a chill.  She knew that she was only justifying the darker suspicions Carol had harbored towards her since she was first brought into the family.  It was doubly crushing now, because Amy knew about Marquis.  Amy knew that Carol was thinking the same thing she was. Marquis was one of the organized killers.  He had his rules, he had his code, and so did Amy.  Amy wouldn’t use her power to affect people’s minds.  Like father, like daughter.

I mean, a lot of this is just Amy's own neuroses working against her, but seriously, people who act like Carol isn't the source of virtually every one of Amy's problems baffle me. People don't think like this without a reason. Carol's behavior gave her reasons to think like this.

A girl stood in the living room, five or so years younger than Amy.  Her blond hair had been curled into ringlets with painstaking care, but the rest of her was unkempt, filthy.  She stared at Mark, who was struggling and failing to stand from the couch.

Fucking Bonesaw.

Normally I like to call people by their names, rather than dignify them with their stupid cape names, though it depends, but no. Bonesaw doesn't get a name. Fuck her. I hate Bonesaw. Unfair? A little, yeah. She's a victim, a worse victim than nearly anyone else in Worm, arguably.

I just don't care.

Amy, kill her. Kill her right here. Right now.

“Yes!  I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it was.  I mean, I had to conduct the operation from a remote location, using robots, because I would lose my Tinker powers if I got too close to the big lug.  And I had to fit their bodies and nervous systems together so that they could use their powers without messing up the other.”

Oh, my heart bleeds for you, Bonebitch. Tell us all about how hard it was to make a monstrous freak of nature! As if you and your little brain parasite (shard) didn't love every psychopathic second of it.

Bonesaw smiled.  “I thought you’d appreciate this more than anyone.” “Appreciate this.” “You’re the only other person who works with meat.  I mean, we’re different in some ways, but we’re also really similar, aren’t we?  You manipulate people’s biology, and I tinker with it.  The human body’s only a really intricate, wet machine, isn’t it?”

I can honestly only laugh at the level of delusion this horrible little girl possesses. Not funny laugh, just... what the fuck else is there to do laugh.

“That’s good!”  Bonesaw smiled at Amy, “I knew we’d make a good team!” “Team?”  What could she say or do to escape?  Failing that, was there anything she could use to kill herself, so Bonesaw couldn’t get her hands on them, turn them into something like those things?  In the worst case scenario, she could use her power on Mark before finishing herself off.

Alternate universe where Bonesaw never gets it into her head that Amy should be her buddy.

Alternate universe where Bonesaw gets killed in a freak accident involving a frozen turkey falling from a great height at high velocities and squashing her.

Alternate universe where Bonesaw dies messily and bloodily and her body burns in a fucking nuclear fire.

“Language!”  Bonesaw admonished, with surprising fierceness.

I...I can't take this seriously.

I hate Bonesaw, for what she does to Amy, for how her fucking delusions lead to Amy's life being destroyed, but again, she's not actually that compelling. She's just...

Sick and twisted and...

Fucking annoying.

'Language'. Right. She really cares that much about it. Because Jack Slash really cares that much.

“Jack’s taken me on as his protegé.  Teaching me the finer points of being an artist. 

Artist? Artist? Artist? Artist? ARTIST?

My GOD is Jack Slash pretentious.

Actually, dare I say it?

Jack Slash is Edgy.

(What. I need to find something to laugh at as I read this or I'll combust with how much I hate Bonesaw right now)

(I genuinely don't understand fics that want to imagine some Amy & Bonesaw friendship, or Amy and 'Riley' or whatever, in some universe where Bonesaw does what she does to Amy and then survives to be redeemed or something. Even if Amy went evil and joined S9, I can't imagine her gleefully embracing Bonesaw's delusions. an S9 Amy probably murders Bonesaw at the first opportunity.)

and they’re kind of family.  I want you in my family, Amy Dallon.”

And I want to enter this work of fiction, grab you, and string you up by your entrails.

But we can't always get what we want, Bonebitch.

Amy looked at her hand.  She’d just taken a life.  A mercy, most probably, but she’d killed.  Something she had promised herself she would never do. She shivered.  It had been so easy.  Was this what it was like for her father?  Had she just taken one more step toward being like him?

See, and now this is where the problem with rigid moral codes hits. When they don't have any flexibility, for situations like this, when you build this hard, solid edifice and expect it to hold up against everything...

It's strong, sure, but it's brittle. And when you, like Amy, pin your entire sense of yourself, your entire sense of being a good person, on a few rigid codes, you absolutely will shatter.

Amy absolutely shouldn't have built herself such an inflexible moral edifice. If the girl had had any sort of actual therapy, she might not have. If she'd had a mother that wasn't Carol, she might not have.

But she did.

And it shattered.

Again... I just don't understand Wildbow, and Ward. Slaughterhouse Nine, and the role they played in destroying Amy's psyche and sense of herself and sense of morality barely shows up in the text, because god forbid we allow context to get in the way of his weird attempt at a rape culture metaphor or whatever the fuck he was on.

“Ready to join?” Bonesaw asked, looking for all the world like a puppy when her master had the leash out, ready for a walk.  Eager, brimming with excitement.

And the funny part is that this useless waste of carbon atoms actually thinks that's all that's needed.

and then we could make one superperson out of a hundred capes, and all of the powers would be full strength because you helped and we could use it to stop one of the Endbringers,

Oh fuck off Bonesaw. You wouldn't dare do anything so interesting as use your creations to fight an Endbringer. and even if you were capable of mustering enough vision for that, Jacky McEdgelord would hardly let you do something so creative.

“No,” Amy said.  Then, just to make it clear, she added, “No, it’s not going to happen.  I won’t join you.” “You will!  You have to!” “No.” “I have to do like Jack said.  He said I won’t be a true genius until I’ve figured out how to get inside people’s heads.” “Maybe- Maybe you won’t be inside my head until you realize there’s no way I’m going to join the Slaughterhouse Nine.”

You know, I'm not really interested in 'Amy goes off the rails level evil' fics, but you know what? Let's have one of those. Bonesaw breaks Amy and then Amy kills her and the rest of Slaughterhouse Nine because why the fuck would she hang out with them? If Amy really stopped caring and wanted to go evil, there's still no reason for her to be so BORING as to join Uselesshouse Nine

“I’m doing you a favor, really!”  Bonesaw raised her voice to be heard over the screams.  “You’ll thank me!”

I mean, I hate Bonesaw, I hate her with the heat of a million suns. And I don't hate any of the other members of S9 because again, BORING.

So in that sense, Bonesaw is a compelling villain.

But she's also boring, because she's just...

This.

Nothing interesting about what she's doing. Torture and hybrid monsters and plagues and murder just for the sake of it. She learns all this shit about powers and does nothing with it.

I hate her so much not because she's compelling in her own right, but because I'm so obsessively into Amy as a character, and so desperately want her to be happy.

Everything else in the world seemed to drop away.  She pressed her forehead to his.  Everything biological was shaped in some way by what it had grown from and what had come before.  Rebuilding the damaged parts was a matter of tracing everything backwards.  Some of the brain was impossible to restore to what it had once been, in the most damaged areas or places where it was the newest growths that were gone, but she could check everything in the surrounding area, use process of elimination and context to figure out what the damaged areas had tied to. She felt tears in her eyes.  She had told herself she would heal him and then leave the Dallon household.  Actually doing this, fixing him, taking that plunge, she knew she would probably never have found the courage if she hadn’t been pushed into it. It wasn’t that she was afraid to get something wrong.  No.  Even as complicated as the mind was, she’d always known she could manage it.  No, it was what came after that scared her more than anything.  Just like finding out about Marquis, it was the opening of a door she desperately wanted to keep shut.

Again. Platonic ideal of a woobifiable character.

I just

I just don't get so many people.

This this -

Who the fuck reacts to 'I'm saving my dad from a serial killer by healing his brain' with 'I need to run away from home as soon as I'm done?'

Someone who desperately doesn't want to do bad things. Who is terrified of themselves. Who has more baggage than an airport and more issues than a Hudson News.

Someone who is intensely fucked up, and knows it and doesn't know what to do about it.

Certainly not someone who has just been... what, we're supposed to believe she was just waiting for the opportunity to mess with Vicky's brain? The excuse? That what she does to Vicky was the real her the whole time?

If I somehow had enough money to convince Wildbow to sell all the legal rights to all of the Wormverse, nuking Ward from existence across the Internet would be step 0. Also nuking r/parahumans.

The tagline of the Wormverse may as well be 'creating compelling characters the author somehow doesn't understand since 2011. Now with bonus queerphobia and racism!'

Her face burned with shame.  She made her way to her room and began packing her things into a gym bag.  Clothes, toiletries, and other things, mementos.  A small scrapbook, a memory card filled with pictures of her, her cousins and her sister.  She found a pad of post-it notes and scribbled out a few words. I’m sorry it took me so long to help Mark. Good bye.  I love you all, Amy. She wouldn’t be coming back. Amy opened her bedroom window and climbed out, pulling the bag out behind her.

Amy Please, fucking hell just - no.

Don't.

Please.

Don't FUCKING DO THIS!

“We could get you a therapist.  I mean, Mom was setting aside money for Dad’s care, we could use that to give you someone to talk to.” “I… a therapist wouldn’t be able to help.”

Yes, yes it could.

But she's so convinced, so sure there's no coming back from it.

“Fuck that!  I’m not about to let you walk away!”  Victoria floated closer, reaching out. “Don’t touch me,” Amy warned her sister.

It's hard to say. We don't see them just... existing in normal circumstances. Not in Worm. We don't know what their life was like before it all collapses.

But it's really hard to not look at... everything Victoria says and does, from Interlude 2, and this, and the fact that she does end up touching Amy despite the 'don't touch' and...

I'm pretty sure Vicky has a long history of ignoring or pushing Amy's boundaries. Of touching her when Amy doesn't want to be touched. Dragging her on those double dates she manifestly doesn't want to go on. Pushing her to keep healing all those people she nearly kills to cover up her crimes. Constantly pushing Amy to heal Mark.

And Amy, because she was probably too afraid to have boundaries when she first moved into the Dallon household, and then too used to letting Vicky get away with it, and then Vicky was her only source of stability and affection so of course Amy lets her get away with it.

And then she falls in love with Vicky and the idea of saying no to her becomes a lot harder.

And Vicky, of course, just sees that Amy's boundaries aren't really boundaries. She just needs to push a little and her sister's totally cool with whatever. Amy loves her. She loves Amy. Boundaries are what now?

(I say this with love, I really do, but I'm pretty sure Vicky isn't the most respectful of boundaries in general. Not intentionally, just... you know, by accident, a lot).

Vicky does not deserve what happens to her next, or later. Again, shouldn't need to say it, but this fucking fandom.

But she absolutely should have listened when Amy said 'no!' Time and again.

No is always a complete fucking sentence.

“Idiot,” Victoria grabbed her sister by the shirt collar and pulled her into a painfully tight hug. “Don’t,” Amy moaned into her sister’s shoulder. “All of this?  We’ll work it out.  As a family.  And if your idea of family means it’s just you and me, then we’ll work it out together, just the two of us.”

A perfect storm of the worst possible fucking thing to say when you're already shattering her boundaries.

All it took was one moment of weakness, and she was weak.  At the end of her rope, desperately lonely, haunted by her father’s shadow, her shame at being unwilling and unable to help Mark until now, the idea that one of the Slaughterhouse Nine thought she belonged with them? She was losing everything so quickly.  Victoria was all she had, and it was the choice between abandoning that for everyone’s good and keeping Victoria close. She felt Victoria’s body more acutely than she felt her own.  Every heartbeat, every cell brimming with life. Like a flame at the end of a long fuse, leading to a stick of dynamite, her power traveled from the side of Victoria’s neck to her brain.  It was barely a conscious action on Amy’s part.

Again it's so weird that Wildbow can write this, and then... not get it? Powers work on thoughts. Powers work on errant impulses and yes, you can restrain your thoughts, prevent them to become action, but intrusive thoughts are a thing, and it really isn't always easy to hold them back, especially in the state she's in, the state he put her in, with the way powers work, the way he decided powers work...

The man builds this elaborate device made of dozens of checkov's guns and then insists, years later, he never fired a single one of them.

The plain fucking TEXT makes it clear, christ on a fucking bike.

The magnitude of what she’d just done hit her with a suddenness and pain she likened to a bullet to the chest.  “Oh god.  Please, let me undo it.” She reached out, but Victoria stepped back. “What the hell did you do?” Victoria asked, her eyes wide, “I felt something.  I feel something.  You’ve used your power on me before, but not like this.  I- You changed the way I think.  More than that.” Tears welled at the corners of Amy’s eyes.  “Please.  This is what I was afraid of.  Let me undo it.  Let me fix it and leave, and you can go back to Mark and Carol and you three can be a family, and-”

If we're supposed to believe this was a deliberate, willing, fully conscious choice by her (which is what Wildbow and his Church insist is what 'barely a conscious action' means here), then this makes no sense.

But of course, Why would Wildbow care about a coherent narrative? Why would his Church? They have Words of God! Those matter more than the fucking TEXT.

“You have to understand, for so long, you were all I had.  I was so desperately lonely, and that was at the same time I was starting to worry about my dad.  I got fucked up, my feelings got muddled somewhere along the line, and it’s like… maybe because you were safe, because you were always there.” “You have feelings for me,” Victoria answered.  She couldn’t keep the disgust out of her voice, she didn’t even try.  “That’s what Tattletale was using as leverage, wasn’t it?”

Let's circle back to something I said earlier -

This needed to be revealed sooner, to us, the reader. Or... something.

Revealing all this, all at once, all in one chapter?

There's just too much going on here.

Amy found out Marquis is her dad

we find out about Mark

we find out about Vicky pressuring Amy to heal Mark

Bonesaw and all her shit

Amy runs away

Vicky finds her

Vicky finds out about Marquis

Amy changes Vicky and the full story of Amy's feelings come out and it's just...

Worm suffers from too much happening in quick succession in general, but man this Interlude is the fucking textbook case.

“Please.  Let me fix it.  Then I’ll leave.  You’ll never have to see me again.” “What in the world makes you think I’d let you use your power on me again!?”  Victoria shouted, taking to the air, out of reach.  “Who knows what you’re going to do to me!?”

Okay, so like...

I do get this, I really do. You just had your entire sense of... everything shattered, with regards to how you see your Sister, and you're under a lot of stress too but -

You've known and trusted your sister for years. You just fucking said it. She's explicitly saying she didn't mean to, that this isn't something she wanted to do...

I mean, I imagine if not for... everything that's about to happen, Vicky might calm down in a few days and give Amy a chance to fix this. I'd like to believe that anyway.

I get it. I do. I don't... I don't blame Vicky for this, but...

Still. Wrong choice, Glory Girl.

Victoria shook her head slowly, then scoffed.  “Good job, Amy.  You just did an excellent job of taking every instance of me defending you, every instance of my giving you the benefit of a doubt, and proving me fucking wrong.  You were worried about being as fucked up as your dad?  Congratulations, I’m pretty goddamn sure you just surpassed the man.”

Jesus christ, Vicky.

Again. Heat of the moment. You're furious.

But like...

If she was surpassing him, she'd have changed your brain more. To make you like it. You're supposed to be smart. Be smart.

---

Well.

Interlude 11h. The only Interlude really worth reading for this Arc, and jesus fucking christ I'm emotionally exhausted. My own fault, but fucking fuckfuckfuckfuck.

[saltnsugarbear]

100 followers banquet!

hi hi hello!!

after some thought I've decided I wanted to do a mini celebration!

I'm not going to be doing a prompt specific celebration just because I personally find prompts difficult to work with so here's the guidelines!

- if you give me a general idea, I can write a blurb!

- please be patient! I work full time closing shifts so I just ask that you please please be patient with me

- take a look at my rules and boundaries and lists I have for who I'm willing to write for!

- Do I have anything else? I don't think I have anything else?

- This'll be running from tomorrow (the 18th) all the way to the 28th!

- I'm also just willing to talk headcanons, chat, talk about bad blood! carmy, boxer! lip or brand new au I'm working on, cam boy! lip

- but this is all for fun I'm so excited to keep rolling with you guys <3

I just want to prattle off some thank yous to a bunch of people:

first to my beloved maggie, the first person I ever sent anything to in their askbox in all of my time as a fic reader. gave me so much courage you are so beloved by me, if maggie has no fans I'm dead <3

to olive! just,,, my actual day one. the person I would send my most depraved thoughts to, who inspired me to make my blog, and just has been so delightful. I'm so grateful to my olive for chatting with me for just so many months on anon! she continues to inspire me, and I'm so glad I put so many asks in her inbox she's so beloved by me (she won't let me retire, please I haven't seen my wife and kids in two weeks /j)

to my moon!!! I feel like they are my other day one I love my moon she's so beloved by me. I feel the need to say thank you to them because I remember seeing them when I first started posting fics, and they continue to be one of my biggest supporters! moon, you are so loved by me, I love talking with you. You're my absolute beloved <3

and all my bearblr mutuals! I don't get to interact and chat with you guys as much as I'd like, but I love every one of you!! I've bounced around so many of your blogs and you're all so beloved by me! I have so much love for my bearblr mutuals and writers <3 you guys just continue to inspire me so much

and I just want to say thank you to just,,,,, everyone who has ever liked or reblogged or anything on one of my fics even if that's the only post they've ever seen of mine. it just all means so much to me. I can truthfully say I was very uncertain about starting this blog and what it would mean and how it would do but I think it will prove to be one of the greatest things I've ever decided to do?

bearblr continues to just be so kind to me. You're all so beloved by me <3

I'm so glad I made the choice to start posting on here I'm just

head in hands /pos

I'm in such a positive spot right now, which is so awesome, and I feel so loved by my bearblr mutuals and friends and,,

just feel very good and I'm going to start crying cause I'm a bit emotional all week already so

thank you guys <3

[eccentric-nucleus]

so, i finally finished (posting) my huge, novel-length teenage mutant ninja turtles fanfic. i just posted the final epilogue over on ao3!

here is my director's commentary on it, if you want to read even more about it. this contains spoilers for the whole thing. maybe read the epilogue first and sit with that for a minute. also this will probably be pretty incoherent if you haven't read the whole thing. it's just a disconnected series of thoughts i have about the story, really

man, this story. this is maybe the longest thing i've ever written? like 'the new hive' and 'hell game' had more words (i think) but they were mostly a disconnected series of sex scenes with thin connective tissue between them. this is ~200k words of a single, linear, mostly-plot narrative. i'm writing scenes that aren't just about getting the two leads to fuck!! that's weird. it's definitely the most ambitious thing i've written. kind of weird that it's tmnt fanfic. that's just how it worked out, i guess.

so back in 2022 i watched the rise of the tmnt movie because people kept talking about the animation quality of the fights and that got me into a spiral of actually paying attention to the ninja turtles. i had never been into them & genuinely i think a huge part of getting into tmnt stuff was that rise actually varied the design of the turtles so that they weren't all basically identical save for color-coding. turns out visual design was the missing mystery ingredient.

also in 2022 i was burning out on writing 'goblin cave', when what i had intended to be a fun little writing exercise ended up getting algorithmically surfaced and getting me hundreds of comments on each chapter. that got a little stressful and i wasn't really enjoying that, so i stopped. but i was like, hmm you know i mostly just write weird porn but maybe i should write something a little more ambitious. with a plot, and everything. 'goblin cave' was (in my mind) all about a character who was created for violence deciding art was a much more worthwhile pursuit. but the main character of that doesn't know what art is. because it's a magical dungeon core. and i was still thinking a lot about dead zones of the imagination, by david graeber. so i was like, okay, let's do this again but in a slightly more self-authentic way and make it weird gay porn with weird animal dicks. let's give michelangelo ninjaturtle a monologue about how the powerful are utterly insulated from any consequence.

(also early on, after watching most of rottmnt, i stumbled across this blog post about the tmnt comics and the end of the world. that ended up being deeply influential on the fic too. i've been kinda in a state for the past few years and this fic is absolutely a part of me working through a lot of complicated feelings about the world and the future. lol people talk so much about people writing dark fic 'to cope' but this was pretty much the first time i've outsourced my emotional processing by having bad things happen to fictional characters.)

so uhhh where to start here. the setting of the fic is this complicated messy mashup of a half-dozen tmnt continuities. it's very rise-heavy, since... that was the only series i had watched(/read) when i had determined the major plot points, but there's a lot of bits and pieces from all over.

to roughly outline the characters here, a huge influence on mikey's personality in this is... mikey's 'dr delicate touch' persona in rottmnt. in the sense that... okay yes yes that is a kid's show and all of his dr delicate touch lines are, you know, setups and punchlines. you think he's going to be nice but actually he's mean! etc. but in-universe it's like, wait hold on a second. mikey is like the most emotionally-intelligent of the four. he absolutely knows when people are on the edge of flipping out and need a calming out to a stressful situation. and instead he freaks them out more! mikey's hobby is: being mean to his friends & family, for fun! what a fun character trait.

i was thinking about this tweet a lot, too. i read some writing advice once that people tend to make characters who are supposed to be likable too squeaky-clean. nothing but positive character traits for them! but actually every 'positive' character trait is exactly the same as a 'negative' one; it's just a matter of focus and degree. a character is light-hearted and comedic? they can never take things seriously, even when they really should. a character is willing to do anything to protect the people they love? so they're violent and threatening and scary if they happen to decide you're something that they need to protect against. etc. i was really dedicated in this to bringing out the worst characteristics of everybody's personalities.

mikey was also very deeply inspired by: all the garbage progression fantasy stuff i've been reading. i've complained about this several times on this very blog, but a constant theme in most progression fantasy is 1. the main character will constantly get more and more powerful and 2. the main character will never really have their relationship with the rest of the world changed via that power. it's just stat-ups. they just have higher stats so they're more powerful. mikey is the most powerful person on the planet and it's fucking ruining his life. he knows that there's nobody capable of actually checking his behavior, & he's in this constant state of thinking he's maybe a few bad days away from murdering half the planet and incredibly aware there's not really anything he can do about that aside from constantly worry. he's kind of an anxious mess.

mikey absolutely thinks it's more ethical to murder somebody out of the sheer glee of seeing people crushed before you than murdering somebody for something as tedious as mob orders. you're satisfying a deep, raw desire felt from the heart! that's good!

what he'd like to do, in some sense, is just hang out in his studio and chill with other artists, but he knows the world is not gonna let him do that. things will come up. a lot of his being a creepy bystander thing while people get murdered is b/c he's very much formulated his morality to be like... it is not his responsibility to fix other people's problems. other people will do what they want and that has no bearing on him. is that a pretty cowardly and self-serving morality? sure! but he was kinda designed to rule the world & his flinch away from that pretty much defines him as a character in this. that's kinda the morality he needed to end up on to convince himself not to be a genocide machine.

he's incredibly aware he could basically be a superhero, & all it would take is... giving up on all his hopes and dreams and constantly engage with his abilities. and being a superhero isn't that many steps removed from living up to his full design spec and just taking over the world and ruling as god-emperror. idk how well i hit all those notes in the actual fic, but, that's what i was going for. mikey as the narrator clearly doesn't want to talk or think about it so it's never really directly confronted.

raph is... okay so i guess a fairly common piece of fanon, for rise especially, is to characterise raph as having multiple personalities? whether that's him just having alters or him having full-blown MPD depends on the fic. my fun little nod to that is that he's kind of a disassociative mess. he has kind of failed to reconcile the disparate aspects of his personality and he switches between one of several different facades depending on the situation. also, you know. the trauma.

(i didn't really mean for it to be as such, but there is this theme in the story about names? despite everything else mikey has a crystal-clear self-conception of himself and has one name, which he gave himself. raph, who has kinda failed to build his own personality, has a collection of name other people have given him, none of which he feels actually fits him. donnie has a more fluid self-identity and also has roughly a million aliases and false identities & constantly slips in and out of character when it's convenient. leatherhead still going by the name mikey gave him goes hand-in-hand with that bit where mikey meanly thinks about how maybe leatherhead's entire self-conception is hung up on something mikey said to him once, etc. this is one of those things that i'd go back and make more present if i did go back and clean up the rough draft, b/c as it is it's there, but it doesn't really do a whole lot.)

--

this fic was inspired by... i had read a few big aus that were just like, taking the characters and loose bits of setting and going off in completely different directions. some of NeiNing's aus were a definite influence, plus like, this one au where raph is an ex-con mechanic, etc, etc. just like "i am going to play out a completely unrelated drama using turtles as the dolls". maybe most directly influential was Of Knights and Thieves, where donnie & mikey are corporate espionage hacker/thief types and raph & leo are do-gooder vigilantes. the original concept for this was much more heavily focused on the art forgery. in a very early draft the idea was leo would get involved much more actively in trying to track down the creator of the false takenobus. then i was like, "i am going to crash a completely separate story concept about the dark armor into the side of this art-forgery story". the filename for the story is still 'lol grindr hookup art thief'. that is not really where the story went.

oh man, the art stuff. i made some posts about this at the time! that are now several years old. here's one! i did end up getting a traditional woodcut printing of Tokaido 53 stations, no. 11, Hokone. in a lot of ways doing all the art research was more satisfying and fun than writing the extensive downward spiral that was the latter half of the fic. but, hey, that's life too i guess.

also raph in this is... okay, so, i don't mean this in a mean way. i really liked the fics! but cndrow has written several raph/donnie fics where raph is just like... like a repeated theme in them is raph confessing eternal love & talking about how he's like, mentally planning on them being together forever. on the first date. and sure sure everybody has different tastes; i'm absolutely sure that my interest in guys who are mean leads to some stories that are extremely offputting to some people, etc. but it's like, oh man, raph, please slow your roll a little. if somebody said they were planning our future wedding all of ten minutes into talking to me i would flee the room. & the raph in blinded by the summer sun is very much inspired by that. sadly, i never fully committed to that. originally i even had a line in chapter 9 where slash was like 'please tell me you didn't drop the 'i love you forever' on this guy already' to imply that that was, you know, a theme for raph, but i chickened out and cut it. raph as a kind of rolling series of bad relationships characterized by him falling forever in love w/ his latest crush until the relationship detonates and leaves him not really understanding how things went wrong. but i don't think that's expressed well like, at all. but that ideally should characterize a large part of why he keeps chasing after mikey even well after the point where it would be reasonable to disengage. also to convey some of the downsides of a character believing in true love. it's rough out there in the world.

also thank you tumblr user averyterrible for writing this goncharov post. that was the point in the story where i was like, actually i have been writing raph as way too much of a sad boy. if i want to play in the space of crime drama, there needs to be some crime! he's a yakuza assassin. he needs to chop off somebody's fingers with bolt cutters.

--

to me, the central question in the fic isn't really 'will the mikey/raph relationship work out' or 'will mikey succeed in his plans', it's 'why is mikey doing these things'. & i think the leatherhead chunks in chapter 23 finally give enough context to what's going on with mikey to let people answer that? like oh, mikey is a mess.

(lol the initial setup for the early chapters are supposed to give an audience response of like, "oh no, raph has some dangerous secrets" "oh no, raph is a violent yakuza murderer! i hope mikey is going to be okay interacting with raph" "...oh no, i hope raph is going to be okay interacting with mikey")

a lot of the story really is about how... mikey & raph's relationship is in a lot of ways very adolescent? they have not had a lot of prior experience with healthy relationships, and they're trying, but, uhhhhhhh. mikey likes to act like he's so cool and above-it-all and unaffected by things happening, but that's actually just b/c he doesn't really care about most things. when something happens that he genuinely doesn't like he immediately snaps and has a giant meltdown. (we see this once with raph, when mikey has a panic attack and throws up when raph blows him off wrt warning him of bishop, and once with donny about the armor, where mike immediately starts tantruming and threatening to kill himself. mikey is very bad at resolving conflict. he's kind of a brat, actually.)

like every character in this is in some way their worst self. they're all pretty awful people. but they're all also trying to... grapple with their place in the world and try to be better people. to even figure out what 'better' means. this is a story about how 'being a good person' is a constant struggle, not to 'do the right thing', but to even figure out what's 'right'. it's about picking yourself up again after a bad period and going, well, let's keep going. like mikey has a lot of traits but one that i, the author, actually think is fairly admirable is his ability to get back up and keep going after a really bad period. which is funny b/c characterwise that goes hand-in-hand with his callousness. just shrug off all the misery you caused other people, i guess! see above about positive/negative character traits.

(also uh there's another tmnt fic author whose work has a lot of... a Bad Guy is constructed/identified. then helpless children (or teens!) are rescued from him. then the bad guy is ruthlessly & violently murdered. sometimes onscreen, sometimes offscreen. and then it's nothing but chapter after chapter of people being happy and cutesy to each other. and like, i get it. but the, like, recurring theme there of the Bad Guy having done something fundamentally unforgivable that separates from all understanding & mercy, to which the only justice is a violent death, just strikes me as... simplistic. sometimes people do really awful things and part of grappling with that as an adult with an adult moral conceptualization is realizing that you gotta look past your initial reflex to punishment.

or like, mikey's whole childhood in this really fucked him up but a huge part of his identity is him having to form an identity from that. having to make the determination of which parts of him are 'him' and which parts were done to him. lol @ him aggressively and extensively rejecting everything about what draxum made him to do & then blithely being like 'we were engineered to eat humans anyway' as a defense for all the corpse-eating. mikey you just like eating people & have decided that part does align with your self-identity. mikey would really not appreciate anybody being like 'i'm sorry nobody saved you from that' b/c that (to him) would basically be the same as them saying they thought he was fundamentally, irreparably damaged & was going to be forever incapable of being anything other than what draxum made him to be. he wouldn't take it well.)

uhhh what else. i mean there's a lot. fun fact pretty much every time mikey gets mad at somebody else he's hugely projecting. even his pacifism is like... hmm maybe he should have killed draxum. a lot of his talk @ raph about splinter is secretly mikey relitigating his feelings about draxum. oh what's that mikey you think that splinter is only playing happy family b/c he's immortal and he has infinite time to spend humoring somebody's illusions but that when push comes to shove he'll drop all that? gee i wonder if that might apply to any dynamics in mikey's own life. lol at mikey being like "wow red your life is kind of a fucked-up nightmare of weird psychopaths playing like they're happy family" and then two chapters is like "hey come meet my family. we live in my genocidal dad's bombed-out lab and we're treating him like a weird racist grandpa". i kinda wanted something that would complicate mikey just being like "i am a pacifist now and i don't kill anybody"; mikey that's all well and good but like half his inner tension comes from not being sure if he should've left draxum alive. that's kinda the mirror to him debating whether or not actually killing leatherhead would've been better. (in a few years shelldon is gonna go through a period of not wanting to talk to any of them. mikey & donnie are better parents than draxum but that's such a low bar.)

(likewise at the end when mikey is like "this is raph's healthiest relationship so far!" to leo, like, this is more mikey projecting. really the raph/casey relationship was probably better for raph & casey, idk, who can say. but is mikey's relationship with raph the healthiest romantic interaction he's ever had? yes, absolutely. we don't get to see the mikey/leatherhead relationship really up-close and personal but it should be pretty clear that it was pretty awful for everybody involved. compared to that, the mikey/raph is absolutely mikey's healthiest relationship so far. just. low bars.)

lol i am a little concerned that mikey's tendency to monologue, & especially his whole political monologue near the end, will get people to think he's just acting as an author's soapbox. i mean, okay, the little author's note where i'm like "as always, mikey is a perfect role model and everybody should do what he does" was a fun little joke. but, oof, the number of fics i've read where the authors feel the need to loudly and repeatedly disclaim that This Story Contains Things The Author Does Not Condone In Real Life is pretty disheartening. way to have absolutely no faith in your audience. but likie, the part where mikey is pretty much flat-out like, "actually i think my moral framework is whatever is necessary to justify my actions" is meant to be pretty damning. maybe not of mikey specifically as a character, just of, you know. the whole world where that's a pretty common outlook among people with power.

--

lets talk about the rape. part of it is that it felt like it would be inauthentic to go through the entire story without mikey seriously violating one of raph's boundaries. part of it is that mikey here kinda has the trifecta of ASPD, ADHD, & bipolar, and the thing with that is it's very easy to just say that but a little more difficult to convey the personality traits involved. this isn't really something ever stated as such in the fic, aside from various people calling mikey crazy + raph calls him a sociopath once. it's kind of too didactic to just flatly state "and this is what's wrong with mikey!" imo. but. this is a story about violent people. imo you can't just gesture to a character with the background level of callousness for the genre and go "okay this is a clinical sign"; you kinda gotta do something more direct. 'wow mikey sure is CRAZY and WEIRD good thing it only shows itself as him being slightly mean to people'. no. mikey has done some pretty horrible things in the past and clearly isn't fully done with that.

(i did pretty much go straight down the list of symptoms there. impulsive, suicidal, aggressive, violent, risky sex, arrogant, limited empathy, no regard for other people or social norms, difficulty with relationships, arson, etc, etc, etc. but it's not like he's a 'realistic' portrayal here, since... i mean, he is a super-powered ninja. there's a level of 'superficial charm' here but we do get enough of mikey's interiority to be able to tell he's a total mess in a way that's not particularly constructed.)

also it's like. raph graphically tortures several people to death & i didn't really feel the need to disclaim that here. murder is usually seen as a lesser crime in fiction than rape. people love their violent blorbos but the second there's the implication of sexual violence people freak out. the usual line people say is that the threat of murder is a little more removed for most people than the threat of rape, which idk if i fully agree with. but part of it is also to draw a line between raph's violence and mikey's boundary violation. like mikey says, well, raph tried to non-consensually murder him a few times too.

anyway i don't think i really stuck the landing with that either, in part b/c raph's response to it. he's a little too pathetically accepting of things at the end instead of being angry + violent. that could use a rewrite or two.

--

honestly i'm kinda sick of this story now? which sucks a little, since i kept realizing things about the story all the way up to the very last moment of editing. if i had waited to post any of this until i was done with the first draft... well, it'd be a very different story if i went back and turned this rough draft into something more complete. i never really did manage to hit the character beats with raph i was hoping to. oh well. like, i still like it. but i can definitely see all of its weak points. i guess that's just part of the process of writing. it'd be worse if you wrote a giant novel and came out on the other side not more aware of your failings as an author.

i feel like raph isn't super well-realized in terms of character motivations. or... his relationships aren't shaded in as well as they could be. if i were redoing this whole thing i'd definitely include some chunks of raph pov just to lay out more concretely what he's doing & what his life is like when he's not in the same scene as mikey. i kinda included that raph+donny conversation at the very end just for jokes, but actually ending every chapter with a little section of non-mikey pov would've helped ground a lot of the characters. raph isn't super well-developed and leo is pretty much incoherent absent external familiarity with his character's deal. they're not conveyed super well, in part because, well, any time mikey is onscreen everybody is having to deal with mikey. it's a problem.

but something that absolutely could have worked as a secondary narrative to the story is the whole thing with raph working w/ the oroku. that was a bit of a late addition to the story. it's meant as a reference to, you know, all the times raphael ends up being compared to/assuming the mantle of the shredder in the comics. but as it is since we don't get any real looks into exactly what's going on in yakuza town when mikey's not around none of that got developed very well, imo.

--

it was very important to me that mikey not learn any lesson here. where things are at in the end are pretty much the exact same as where they were in the beginning. the bit in the pizza scene where he's like 'you guys get to live and i get a boyfriend' is very accurate. literally the only change in mikey's life through this entire thing is that at the end he is in a relationship w/ a guy who he can tell some of what his life is like to. not that it's a super healthy relationship, but it is there.

well, that, and also now he's maybe out of time. (uh, so the laughter at the very end of the epilogue is mikey realizing he's out of time. the whole epilogue really is about how he's got all these conflicting tensions of who-knows-what in his life, & then right in the middle of the tension it's like, whoops, the utrom aren't coming in 10 years or 20 years, they're coming now. and in a week you're gonna be getting some really pointed questions about how you know the utrom envoy. and in a few years, well, there's gonna be some planetary evacuation) like the whole story is about... anxiety. mikey feeling the weight of the future on him in every moment. actually seeing things collapse would be a relief; you'd get the release of all the potentiality collapsing into an actual problem. the moral of the story is you get what you get and in the end all mikey's actions, good or bad or otherwise, have bought him is nine more months of ignoring his problems.

anyway sorry to all the tmnt fans who were expecting a happy cheerful mikey/raph story. this is actually about the fundamental injustice of existence. whoops!

[hxhhasmysoul]

I disagree with his isolation being self imposed. Note that unlike the rest of our protagonists, he has to stand alone in battle always because the gap in power between him and the next strongest is so extreme they would drag him down. He literally is built THAT different. I feel Gege has made that very clear. Since his awakening, he has basically been a God among mortals, he can't see things the same way because his elevated position won't let him, the perspective from which he experiences the world is just too different. I literally believe the only way to change this was to bring him down like Sukuna did.

Also feel it's reductive to say he's just a "shitty person" instead of something more grey, but I know you're not a fan of his character so agree to disagree. He did love and care for his students and wish for them to grow, and he's not malevolent and sadistic in the way Sukuna is, seeking dominance over the weak, he's more an guy alienated from humanity through strength who doesn't want to feel that way.

I know that by now this might feel like a Gojou hate blog. But truly if it's a hate blog, the hate is directed to a certain loud and unhinged subset of Gojou fans. I have pretty complicated feelings towards Gojou. And I will treat you to my ADHD now.

______________

For me there are several ways in which I can like a character.

As a character - aka how I feel about the cohesion and totality of their design, backstory and personality. While I dislike what Gojou looks like, the white hair blue eyes really doesn't do it for me, the rest I like. I found it really interesting how his strength and influence in the world are paired with his flawed character. How he really wasn't liked by the people around him.

As a character in a story - aka how well do I feel they fit and and function in a story. Gojou fits the story but the way he functions in it is kinda complicated. Gojou is the result of what the jujutsu world is. He's Tengen's creation which should protect her and help her uphold the barriers thus the status quo. Gojou is also reckless and selfish which has negative consequences of the people around him. The problem arises after his sealing. The fact that characters keep chasing after a way to unseal him instead of trying to tackle the villains themselves - his death does solve that, that's why I rooted for it. That when he's out, he just kinda loses his interest in everything, and focuses on entertaining himself with a dick-measuring contest with Sukuna. I've said it many times before, neither of them deserved to know who's actually the strongest. Because of that the story was paused. And for that I dislike his role in the story. I think he could've been brought down in other ways too, ones that wouldn't've paused the story and relegated the other characters to watching TV, I actually wrote out my preferred scenarios here.

As a person - aka would I give them the time of day. I honestly dislike him as a person and I will go into more detail why later. If I'd met him, I'd've channeled my inner Megumi so hard, got dizzy from rolling my eyes. And then avoided him at all cost.

As a fandom phenomenon - aka how it affects the fandom that he's a character in the story. I despise him for it. I know it's not his own fault but it's because of what his fans are like but I just can't stand it. I actually had a kind of emotional melt down about it some anons ago. And the things Gojou fans are doing now that he's dead ... idk. When I read the Shibuya Incident chapters the first few times, I kinda felt bad for him because the Prison Realm felt like such an awful place to end up in. I mean yes, I was always in awe of Kenjaku and their plan and dedication. But back then I felt a little bad because I felt that with how Gojou's brain works, the Prison Realm might be the worst place he could end up in. I still felt that that was the moment when he's going to get character development. When I watched it in the anime... I was waiting for it, I actually cheered. The schadenfreude I felt towards his fans was honestly vile but very cathartic.

______________

"He literally is built THAT different. I feel Gege has made that very clear. Since his awakening, he has basically been a God among mortals(...)"

This is why I brought up Kageyama Shigeo. Mob is probably even more godlike than Gojou. It's also better for Mob to go alone at the enemies so that others don't get hurt. But quite often Reigen and others go with him. Shigeo actively rejects his godlike status, he's doing his best to connect with others. He shows that power doesn't doom someone to isolation. I could also bring up Meruem here, who's on a journey from isolating superiority to humanity before it's cut short.

Apart from jujutsu, other things exist. Gojou has a sweet tooth. He clearly likes movies. He probably has other pastimes. He could enjoy them in company. He could've actually developed a relationship with Megumi and Tsumiki which he apparently didn't. What he does seem to enjoy, when he's around people, is getting on their nerves. And there are only two people who seem to have patience for that Yuuta and Yuuji. Yuuta's related to Gojou and actively groomed for the status of second strongest. And Yuuta shows that he can bite back a bit once he builds his confidence. Yuuji was birthed by Kannon themself (not really) and is named something like all-encompassing compassion, his benevolence is practically divine. Yuuji really approaches everyone in good faith, he even tries this initially with Sukuna but quickly learns not to. Also both of them owe their lives to Gojou.

______________ "He did love and care for his students and wish for them to grow,"

One of the reasons I love ATLA are quotes like this one from Crossroads of Destiny:

Iroh: I know how you must feel about my nephew but believe me when I tell you, there's good inside him.

Sokka: Good inside him is not enough. Why don't you come back when it's outside him too, okay?

I can never get over this quote because of my personal history. But it also comes back to me in fandom situations like these when I really disagree with people about how much the feelings of an individual matter in the context of their actions. It's actually a little similar to the situation with my dislike for Kurapika. I'm linking this because I will quote it here:

"For a relationship not to be god fucking awful both parties need to be mindful of each other’s needs. Of course these needs will never be exactly the same and complimentary. Sometimes you can have a decent enough relationship and don’t meet that many of each other’s needs but with a mutual understanding that it’s impossible and kinda working around it. Kurapika doesn’t give a single shit about anyone else’s needs in the relationships they have with others."

This applies to Gojou as well. Maybe, like you say, in his own head Gojou did love his students but his actions really don't translate to that. He barely has any personal relationship with any of them, maybe a bit with Yuuta and Yuuji, with Megumi not so much. He doesn't seem to have any deeper relationship with any of the adults either.

Gojou and Megumi

I wrote about this before but I'm not sure where so I can't quote it XD. It's not shocking that Megumi calls Gojou his benefactor. And prefaces it with technically. A benefactor is often used for a rich, usually older, person sponsoring the progress of a younger one and introducing them into a certain closed off world. It's not a personal relationship.

Gojou took custody of Megumi to prevent Megumi to be sold back to the Zen'in. It was a political move, it prevented the Ten Shadows Technique from going back under the Zen'in control. It increases Gojou's influence over the elders and the 3 clans. Also, in the past a Ten Shadows user managed to mutually destruct with a Limitless user. And not so long ago another Zen'in almost killed Gojou. Taking Megumi in and keeping him in the dark as to who killed his father is a good preventive measure against a Ten Shadows user maybe taking revenge on his father's killer.

I don't remember exactly how old Megumi is at that point, but he looks at most like he just started primary school. And to a child like that Gojou says: that Megumi has to earn his living working as a sorcerer. Was Gojou joking about putting the responsibility of survival (his own and his sister's) on the shoulders of a little kid? Maybe. Would a kid that young be capable of processing a joke like that? No fucking way. He would've taken it seriously and it would've affected him greatly.

Why did I answer maybe to the first question? Because Tsumiki becomes a little homemaker. Gojou who swims in money doesn't even get these kids a nanny or someone like that. A little girl has to play mommy to her little brother...

When we meet Megumi at 15, he actively avoids Gojou. He gets instantly irritated when Gojou calls him on the phone (it's a childhood trauma reaction I can relate to perfectly well). He tells Yuuji: Watch out, Gojou acts like that. When Gojou oversteps and orders a uniform for Yuuji without asking his opinion. Another very relatable trauma moment. Yuuji is confused because it feels innocuous to him, Megumi has too much baggage. Gojou is shocked that Megumi turns to him for help after the exchange event. More clear baggage.

And lastly in the recent fight Gojou doesn't prioritise saving Megumi, kinda forgets about him actually.

Gojou and Ijichi

This one is honestly the prime example of how toxic Gojou is. Ijichi never knows what he'll get from Gojou. He even fears at one point that Gojou could hit him as a prank. Usually Gojou just dumps his work on Ijichi. But because of how Gojou's moods come and go, he sometimes tells Ijichi things that make him feel better or even takes him to dinner in the novels. It's irregular, often unpleasantly phrased but it's some acknowledgment and Ijichi has low self-esteem so it means the world to him. (there's some conditioning research about dispensing irregular rewards but for the life of me I can't remember exactly how it went, but it feels vaguely relevant here, I might be wrong.)

Gojou might honestly think he likes Ijichi and cherishes him. But what he does on a daily basis is bully him.

Gojou seems to be genuinely surprised that Ijichi thinks Gojou could hit him... which is worse because this means he's completely disinterested in how his behaviour affects the people he supposedly cares about. I think it was in the fanbook where Gege said that Gojou genuinely believes that Utahime likes him when the opposite is true.

Let's contrast this with Sukuna who you also mention. Sukuna seems to like exactly one person in the entire world. He tolerates some like Kenjaku and Yoruzu but is mostly exasperated by them and keeps their interactions to minimum. But he likes his servant, Uraume. Like Ijichi for Gojou, Uraume does menial task for their master. They are also in awe of their master, like Ijichi is of Gojou.

But Uraume never seems worried that Sukuna might act erratically towards them because his mood is unpredictable. When they meet for the first time in the modern era they are both so genuinely happy to see each other. Sukuna immediately offers them words of reassurance. He always praises their work and their efforts even when Uraume themself is not happy with their performance. They totally just vibe with each other, like when the go mean girls on Yuuji when he breaks out of the ice.

Sukuna is a mean, violent, murderous asshole. But the one person he appreciates has absolutely no doubt about it.

Gojou and Yuuji

This one is honestly my pet peeve because how not normal I am about Yuuji.

Gojou saves Yuuji's life, this is true. He also hides Yuuji after he comes back to life. He also apparently hides the last Sukuna finger to stall the execution. These are two priceless things Gojou does for Yuuji. Does he do them because he specifically cares for Yuuji? Not really, maybe there's some of that in the last one because Yuuji is probably the one person who even while he gets disillusioned with Gojou to some extent, never loses his enthusiasm towards Gojou. And remains a good sport about Gojou's antics. Yuuji is just built different - see above.

Yuuji is another bargaining chip he has in his political scuffles with the elders. Also Gojou is correct that it'd be a total waste to kill Yuuji with just one finger in him, since they can't destroy the damned things. They need to pack him full of them first. Though Gojou has a ulterior motive here. He wants to stuff Yuuji full of cursed energy, even hopes Yuuji would get Sukuna's cursed technique. Basically he hopes Yuuji is strong enough to absorb Sukuna.

In the morgue Gojou, over Yuuji's dead body, gives his spiel about why he teaches, because he wants to program an army of super powerful child soldiers to take over the system and mold it to what he thinks would be appropriate. What he doesn't say out loud is that he chooses those who are both very powerful and who are outcasts - look at the power difference between the two schools.

Yuuta and Yuuji were scheduled for execution. Megumi is an orphan, an outcast from the Zen'in clan. Inumaki's power is also quite taboo. What Panda is, is also pushing the boundaries of acceptability. The third years are a trans girl and a guy whose power is rejected by the elders. Only Nobara doesn't fit this pattern but she's extremely driven and also feels rejected by her home town. And all these kids are predisposed to feel indebted to Gojou.

Back to Yuuji. Gojou teases Yuuji a lot but Yuuji is extremely good hearted and very lonely and really wants to make friends. So he has a very high tolerance for that shit. It doesn't make it actually nice, it feels borderline exploitative. And then is explicitly exploitative.

When Yuuji is to reunite with his friends after his time of "being dead", he's super excited. He misses them desperately. In the meantime Yuuji made another friend and then watched him die. So he's in a very vulnerable state, which Megumi picks up on instantly.

So Gojou hijacks and ruins that reunion to play a prank on Gakuganji. Because he doesn't spare a thought how awful this prank will feel to the two people who were deeply affected by Yuuji's death, especially the one who watched Yuuji die. And how Yuuji will feel when his two friends he misses so much will react poorly to the damn prank! It's played of as a lighthearted moment but it's extremely callous what Gojou does there.

Time and again Yuuji finds himself in a situation where he's missing crucial knowledge that Gojou failed to impart on him, before the detention center, when he's trailing Junpei, when he's fighting Yuuta.

Where would Yuuji's progress be if Gojou didn't pass him off to Nanami? Where would it be if Toudou didn't like Yuuji's answer to his dumb random question and didn't take him under his wing?

______________ (...) he's not malevolent and sadistic in the way Sukuna is, seeking dominance over the weak (...)

Sukuna is absolutely all that but Gojou is as well. He just contains these instincts to some degree. But he's not beyond threatening violence and being condescending. It really comes out when he fights. He insults all his opponents, ever since he was a teen. Throughout his both fights with Jougo he's condescending and cruel. He doesn't show an ounce of respect to volcano head. He calls Hanami a weed repeatedly and delights in how he kills them. Never shows them respect once.

He talks the same way to Kenjaku who fucking outsmarted him and sealed him. He doesn't respect the first person who bested him because what? Kenjaku didn't fight him one on one? Fucking sore loser, honestly.

Sukuna cruelly toys with his kills, like Gojou. But he is actually happy when they try. When Megumi tries to go all out, he's ecstatic. So much so that his praise reaches something inside of Megumi and sparks his growth, something Gojou couldn't get out of him. Sukuna praises Jougo in the death scape. He does the same for Gojou in the end.

And Gojou returns the respect... this once. Because he only respects the one opponent who was stronger than himself.

______________

But you need to understand that I think this is all good characterisation. It's okay for a character to be like this. I actually like that he's like that because it's a good starting point for growth... but alas.

[galaxythreads]

Hello! I’ve liked your fics for a long time, and was wondering if you would write something with fem- presenting Loki? There are some gender-fluid Loki fics on ao3, but I Need More To Live. I would write one, but I wouldn’t ever finish it.

I really want Loki to join the avengers in 2012 so that the other stuff doesn’t happen. sometimes I want Loki and Natasha to make fun of the rest of the avengers.

Idk I just really like the idea that Loki and Natasha would be friends. Or Loki and Wanda. (Except for all of the aforementioned characters got done so dirty by MCU. Isn’t that like a trope? Kill off the girl so the guy has a motivation to defeat the bad guy? Like from Green Lantern or something?

And Loki and Wanda got rewritten.). Whatever. I’m PERFECTLY OKAY! *eye twitches*

That kind of turned into a rant. Sorry.

Here are more of my headcanons, because I’d rather dm someone on tumblr instead of actually making a post on my blog. I’m weird.

-Loki was friends with Tchaikovsky and Mozart and Shakespeare. Maybe even Paganini, or like Ada Lovelace. Or Albert Einstein. Basically a lot of historical figures and also musicians from the 1980s.

-Loki is an honorary gay, because he’s an alien and aliens don’t have human concepts of gender and sexuality. But also you saw that 🏳️‍🌈hand flip🏳️‍🌈 he did in the 1602 episode. I mean, he was just being so gay in that 1602 episode. It was beautiful.

-Loki is a sad little boi. 🥺🥺

-Loki is a good little boi who got did dirty by MCU and Odin. (🥺🥺)

-Loki isn’t always a boy.🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️(unfortunately no gender-fluid flag emojis so 💕🤍💜🖤💙)

-Loki knows all the languages.

-Loki would watch anime and Kdramas if HE WASN’T DEAD.

-Loki is a theater kid.

-Loki is cat

-Loki knows how to play ALL the instruments. He likes cello the best though. Also he has perfect pitch.

-Loki needs therapy. Like two blue whales worth of therapy.

-If Tony and Loki ever had a long conversation, they would figure out how to solve world hunger and climate change and overpopulation AND THEIR MOTHERS. (It doesn’t make sense but just roll with it)

-Loki is a Major Fucking Nerd About Everything.

-Loki likes calculus as a hobby.

-Loki is, (un?)fortunately, a British stereotype.

-Loki ships appledash and narusasu.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Bye, and thanks for letting me dump headcanons on you.

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing all of these with me, it's so fun to see other people's headcanons about Loki and their excitement about his character. I love discussing this blorbo and cracking him open like an onion to peal away layers of trauma and reveal the nerd beneath.

Lol, the amount of times I've thought about doing an MCU rewrite post a1 to fix everything is insane. If I did do this, I'd actually probably start at civil war, because personally, I feel like everything was (generally) actually okay and enjoyable until infinity war. Civil war is just a good place to kick around the fix-its because everything is such a mess.

As far as your request goes, it might surprise you, but you're actually NOT the first person to approach me about a genderfluid, fem-presenting Loki. More like the....4th? or maybe 5th? Idk. I've definitely been approached by multiple people over the years about this. Firstly, thank you for trusting me with your idea and your headcanons, I'm humbled and honored that you would approach me about this because you believed I would be able to write the story in a way that you would find meaningful and enjoyable <3

Second - I really just don't know. My first inclination is to say no, not because I'm not interested or don't care, but mostly because I'm so busy right now I really don't know when I'll be able to get to the story. Plus, I'm really not sure how to go about this. I'd need to figure out what direction I wanted to take the story, because Loki being genderfluid wouldn't change that much except their outward appearance. Loki + genderfluid + Natasha friendship is an amazing concept, but it's not a...plot, if that makes sense? "Fixing" a1 could be 50,000,000 separate things, and if it goes out as a fix-it for mcu, that would be an enormous project. Easily 200k-400k+, which would take me like...uh 1-3 years to write.

Loki being genderfluid IS something I've thought about just adding to my fics in general now (i'm really not sure, because I love cis male Loki, and I know it's canon that he's genderfluid, but I kind of disregard most things from the series anyway?) but Idk?

+ and this is just a personal one for me, but I don't know how to include Loki being genderfluid as a major part of the plot/story right now. Like, for example, I've been in the process of dumping all of my religious lgbtq+ trauma on peter parker in a (massive) one-shot that revolves around Peter learning to accept himself as being gay, but the point of the story is that Peter doesn't accept himself at first and the conclusion is when he does. (I don't know if I'm ever going to share or finish that fic by the way, so don't look for it) I don't know how to take the concept of this story, turn it into a fix-it for Avengers 1 with Natasha, and have a meaningful story about being genderfluid at the same time?

Like to me there's two different ways to go about lgbtq+ stories: a story about being gay that is intended to talk about lgbtq+ experiences and focus heavily on that, vs a story where the character is lgbtq+ and it's just part of their character and not something we spend a lot of time talking about because we don't need to. The story isn't about them being lgbtq+ specifically, it's about the character. Recently, a lot more media has started doing the latter, which is really, really nice because I don't feel like being lgbtq+ has to be justified every 20 lines.

The story I'm writing about Peter Parker is the former. It's about being gay. The entire story revolves around it. What I can tell from what you're saying is that you want something where Loki just IS genderfluid, but it's not something we spend a whole lot of time discussing because the story isn't ABOUT being genderfluid, it's about fixing mcu with genderfluid Loki as the main character, if I'm understanding this correctly? Which is fine and I absolutely support it because there is nothing wrong with writing genderfluid Loki and I wholeheartedly support those authors.

So i guess to shorten this - because this isn't just like a ~5-15k one-shot (which are about the only length of requests I can successfully complete right now), as respectfully as I can, I'm going to have to lovingly turn you down. I'm not saying no, I'll never write about genderfluid Loki, because I'm like 90% sure I will eventually, but I just don't know about a fix-it for MCU from the first Avengers. One suggestion I have is maybe, if you really really need to see this come to fruition, is to just write a bunch of one-shots that are interconnected based on each of your headcanons and then publish it as an interconnected series, not so much a full length novel like I would write. I can easily see this being a really enjoyable series. Best of luck

~galaxy <3

[ruthlesslistener]

We sure do live in a society, don't we.

The anons sending you hate are doing my head in. Like, I can completely understand why they bristled at your initial response, because as someone who writes Ghost as an adult in a child's body (hi, Gently, my beloved fic that is drowning from my dead muse), I had a kind of similar "hey wait" response at first.

But then you CLARIFIED. You took the time to ask, listen and let others educate you on another POV. It may not have changed your own personal HCs (and that's OK!!!), but you clarified your meaning was not people like me - it was not the average person who spurred it - and that's all anyone can really ask for. You don't have to agree with or ask people.

The best part of fandom is taking bits and pieces of each other's ideas and using them to decorate our sand castles and make them our own. That means "I wouldn't spin it that way but I liked reading how you did it." It also sometimes means "Oh I cannot get behind that but I respect your right to."

I think it says a lot that people are on anon, rather than actually talking to you and giving you a chance to engage with them one-on-one. I'm not sure I would label them trolls. I think their feelings got hurt and they are lashing out because of it, in an impolite way, rather than stopping to listen to explanations. I am going to give the benefit of doubt and assume that ill-intent wasn't meant, and that the reason they're on anon is that anxiety has them going "if I say it on my main, I'm going to get flamed because I offended popular tumblr user." To that I say: If you weren't on anon, Aren could've replied privately to you, and likely would have. A one-on-one conversation can go a large way for trying to clear up misunderstandings.

TBH, I probably could've just sent all of this on Discord but I just am frustrated. Asks like the ones you received are why I am terrified of sharing my own headcanons, why I assume anyone asking me ANY opinions has bad faith, and why everything I say has a giant ass disclaimer on it with "THIS IS LIKE, JUST MY OPINION GUYS" and we shouldn't have to do that. We shouldn't have to sit and police everything that we say because Someone Might Twist It.

Anyway, sorry. I just needed to put this out here because I was about to blow up on my own blog. lmao

Thank you tumblr user grollow I appreciate it immensely and I agree with everything you said about fandom being a sandbox made more fun by people having different ideas that make things fun to play with. It's just that I've been off in my corner playing relatively on my own for a bit, which kinda fucks over the amount of context you get on things a bit. And also the miscommunication had the misfortune of landing squarely in the intersection between 'things I really don't like' and 'things that have a canon basis but lack canonical descriptive details', turning it into a shitshow. Which I really really fucking wish didn't happen, even if I did enjoy discussing the pros and cons of different mental interpretations of Ghost and was able to come to the conclusion that it's about as appealing to me as a slice of apple pie. Which is to say, I like certain bits of it and will gladly nibble at said bits, but if there's any other option out there I'd take it over pie anyday. It's not bad and I certainly do enjoy it in extremely specific context, but it also doesn't appeal to me in the slightest and there's certain parts that I refuse to touch altogether (the texture of cooked fruit makes me cringe and nauseates me, much like the idea of Ghost being an adult trapped in a child's body from a horror perspective incites panic). But that's fine, bc then I can just plop the filling onto a friend's plate for their enjoyment, and nibble away at the bits I like in piece. My dislike of pie doesn't extend to the people who enjoy it, nor do I get upset when my brother refuses to eat what I cook for him. He's picky, I'm picky, I've got no right to judge. He's just as valid for saying my cream cheese frosting is gross as I am for thinking him refusing to eat anything but mac n cheese and scrambled eggs is gross. Same concept with fandom here

(And honestly, my judgement on the whole minor/adult thing is seperate from Ghost as a character altogether. I'm of similar mind with Miquella of Elden Ring, who is canonically an adult trapped in a child's body. Having a relationship with him in his child form would be fucked up- hell, even Mohg goes for breaking the curse first, and Mohg is canonically fucking insane! This isn't something limited to just one fandom, it's a hard line I draw in fiction in general)

Also yeah, I totally would have just worked it out in private, but I get the feeling the anon thinks I'm running some sort of clique or something over here where I would have twisted it into clout somehow. Which needless to say, I would not fucking do. Can't say this enough, but I'm autistic as all getout and had to deal with that enough in high school so I have nothing but contempt for that sort of behavior.

[garaksapprentice]

New Post: Turning bedsheets into a wardrobe and other op shop thoughts

Originally posted on my blog: https://garaksapprentice.blogspot.com/2023/09/turning-bedsheets-into-wardrobe.html

The Dilemma

When it comes to my clothes, I'm a remarkably lazy snob.

I want things that fit well. (This isn't an unreasonable thing to want, I feel.) I want comfortable fabrics that breathe, and don't end up smelling like a billy goat slept on them. (I swear, since starting T, I strip my shirts more often than I ever had to strip the cloth nappies.)

I want colours - black and white and grey don't count - that don't make me look dead. (When did all the t-shirts in the men's section become navy and olive?) And I want them to last longer than six months before they start a part-time internship in the mending box.

(The pile doth wax and the pile doth wane, but there's always a bloody pile.)

This short list is surprisingly difficult to achieve, off the rack. Anything that fits my shoulders won't fit my chest, and vice versa. The armscye is usually either comically large, or too small to fit my biceps. And pants? Let's just not go there. (Belts help. Kind of.)

I really dislike how polyester and other synthetics breathe (they don't), so I avoid them whenever I can. It's getting much harder to find clothes made of 100% natural fibres, whether new or second-hand.

Colours I have slightly more luck with - or I would, if the first two things didn't get in the way. Longevity is always an utter crapshoot. (Though I've found that wovens last longer than t-shirts.)

The Solution

Luckily, I know how to sew. I used to do it for a living. (Not clothes, mind - baby carriers. More structural, less technically complex.) My possess all the basic tools, a few of the extras, and a reasonable set of skills.

(I've been making clothes for the kids for years - they care a lot less about style and fit. And skirts are easy.)

So I'm taking a two-pronged approach to this dilemma. I'm practicing making things I actually like and will wear, and religiously patching my current wardrobe while I make replacements.

Making clothes, naturally, requires material. So instead of going to the op shop for clothes, I'm going for fabric. (I stopped buying new years ago, except for underwear, shoes, and the occasional really high quality item from places that at least pretend to pay their garment workers.) But my favourite deal-hunting section isn't sewing/craft - it's the linens.

Wait, what? Why?

Thrift store fabrics usually can't tell you what they're made from. (The staff get narky when you try to burn test the goods, sadly.) Plus there's just not that much of it. Bedding, tablecloths etc are donated far more frequently, and often still have their tags on them.

Now, you do have check for wear. Some donations look brand new, some have had a long life already. Check for pilling or thinner areas, especially in the middle of bedsheets (fitted ones are worse for this than flats). It's easier if you can hold things up to the light. Usually things in worse condition will be priced lower, but not always.

Why not buy clothes six sizes too large and chop them up to make new stuff?

I mean, you can. It's certainly a common choice, what with all the "thrift upcycle/refashion" videos and blogs and such out there dedicated to it. I personally don't, for the following reasons.

Care for people: I take the permaculture ethics seriously.

Have you ever really looked at the racks in an op shop? Piles of sizes S-L, much less outside of that. The bigger your meatsuit, the harder it is to find things that have a hope of fitting. Too bad if you hate stripes, or the fabric is itchy - if there's only two things in your size, then that's the choice you have. It sucks. (I am in no way body shaming here. Bodies do a lot of hard work for the people who live in them, and no one gets to judge anyone else's.)

I'm both outside the common sizes, and a weird enough shape to have trouble besides. And I've been broke enough that op shop clothes were a necessity, not a choice. I know what it's like to have to take what I could get as long as it fit "enough".

To me it is deeply unethical to take the few decent garments that are available for plus sized people, chop them up, and make something for me to wear out of them, when I can just as easily start with a sheet or a table cloth and achieve a similar result.

Efficient energy planning: I have limited time and brainpower available, and sometimes my executive dysfunction is bad. Like, "I'm eating peanut butter out of the jar for dinner because my brain has stopped" levels of bad.

Cutting up a garment, taking off buttons, and so on, adds several extra steps to a sewing project. Sometimes that's fine - in those situations, I have plenty of old clothes in the stash. More often, though, those extra steps completely derail me.

So I find it easier to start a project with what is essentially yardage. Even when I have to cut around stains, rips, or worn spots, it uses less cognitive capacity.

I also prefer rectangularly cut garments, and zero waste patterns that have you draw directly onto the fabric. These work better on something that started out life as a rectangle.

Use biological resources: Natural fibres are renewable. Mined ones are not. Where I can, I use the former. That's not to say I never use things with synthetic content - it's technically possible, but in practice hard as hell.

Produce no waste: I've still got a sizeable stash of acrylic knitting yarns, plus other bits and bobs, hanging around from before I made this commitment. Throwing them out or donating them (ie making them someone else's problem) won't actually fix things; I simply use them in appropriate projects, and when I replace them, I do so with things that fit my current ethical stance and needs.

But sheets are all plain white and boring!

I can see why you might think that. TV has done a lot of false advertising on that point. It is false. Trust me.

(Ignore the movies. Real sheets come in just about every colour you can think of.)

But, I know not everyone likes plain colours. What if you're madly in love with prints, or shirts with witty slogans on them? Well, besides the growing number of fancy sheets out there, might I interest you in the doona covers?

(The top right and bottom left are ex-doona covers. The rest are sheets.)

Or the fine art of embroidery?

(I shall have the most glorious shirt sleeves when I finish embroidering them.)

Or fabric painting?

(This is technically a mend, but I totally plan on doing similar to brand new things I make.)

Or the many different styles of natural dyeing?

(Soursobs from the local park, gently turning into dye liquor for some dyeing experiments.)

Or, if you've got lots of smaller or oddly shaped pieces of fabric hanging around, maybe some patchwork (all YouTube links)? It's not just coats and dressing gowns, either - you can patchwork jeans, trousers, dresses, shirts and more.

The point here is that fabric (and buttons, zips, thread, etc) doesn't have to be a thing you buy brand new. With time, patience, and a bit of luck, you can find everything you need to create great things second hand.

(Maybe I'll write a future post breaking down the costs of some of the things I've made...)

[mlobsters]

supernatural s11e12 don't you forget about me (w. nancy won)

hookman redux? oh no it's just what's her face with the good hair and a sword. i don't remember jody's other girl *at all*. she also does not look remotely like a teenager. i know it's hard with casting young people. anyway, very cute to see jody so happy and proud.

why is there so much weird food content in this episode, please 😭 sam and dean are so bored at home, they should be cooking more. we know they can do it! (dean, you know how happy you could make sam with something simple like this, roast chicken and mashed potatoes and green beans is dead easy and tasty and nutritious!)

JODY This is according to the - HEY! [JODY looks at ALEX, who has tried to sneak her wine glass away.] Put it back! [ALEX puts the wine glass back.] JODY … neighborhood crime blogs that Claire has been reading. CLAIRE They're eye-witness accounts. SAM Well, we've hunted on less.

jody's face had me cackling. sam no longer the favorite son 😒

okay so. kathryn newton who plays claire is 19 and supposed to be... 19! and she looks 19. (have i mentioned how much i love her hair?) and katherine ramdeen who plays alex is 25-6 and is supposed to be... 18. sitting next to each other and bickering, it's kind of stark. also kind of funny that they mention barely recognizing her twice. not the only one. was thinking she was recast maybe, but nope

ALEX Claire did catch a werewolf. Oh right! Turned out to be a German shepherd with rabies. JODY And before that was the vampire. Councilwoman into erotic cosplay. I didn't know what cosplay was before that. Super embarrassing for the whole force. DEAN Wow. You've been busy.

i feel bad for claire but this is pretty great

CLAIRE Real life? Okay. Yeah, sure. Let's get real. You and Henry set on a weekend yet? ALEX What? CLAIRE When you sneaking off to Jody's cabin to screw yourself silly? DEAN Ohhh. Here we go.

getting her revenge, as is the sibling way.

honestly, i'm eating this up. sam and dean could use some normal loving family dysfunction for once

JODY Hey, if we can't talk about it we shouldn't be doing it, right? Right? [SAM stutters.] DEAN What?

jody looking to the boys for backup and they're completely falling down on the job 😔 this is also weirdly topical because i've been prepping my 10 year old with information about puberty and basics of sex ed lol

JODY And don't expect the guy, as much as I love Henry, to always show up packing. (To SAM and DEAN) Am I right? [SAM looks down at his plate and takes another bite to avoid answering. Dean stares at her blankly.] DEAN What? JODY Seriously?

useless! :p

i am reveling (obviously) in the domestic awkward bullshit.

JODY And but even there, I feel like I should be teaching her about boyfriends, and relationships, you know, stuff a mom would teach her. DEAN Sammy and I could've benefited from a little of that.

it's fine, i'm fine. hey maybe jody can straighten dean out and get him to talk to sam about amara. they help with the kids, she can help the bigger kids :p

CLAIRE Maybe it's time I just head out on my own. And be a full-fledged hunter. SAM Claire. I absolutely understand the need to hunt. Believe me. I do. But the monsters are always going to be there. On and on. Forever. But a chance at a family? At a home? School? That won't be.

probably rationing the use but i think this could have done with the mushy music. feeling for claire and sam.

also that's a huge bedroom

dean trying to be stern and lecture claire and give alex's boyfriend the stink eye, silly :p

ALEX You should know… I've done some really bad things. Hurt people. I should've told you before. HENRY Everybody's done stuff they're ashamed of. I mean, there was this one kid we all tortured in middle school, I-I can't even think about it. Alex! Hey. I don't care. Whatever it is you did, I don't. Okay?

very "this is the skin of a killer, bella"

jesus bad guy is beating the shit out of jody. very effective in how they shot/edited it

LOL aaand the boyfriend is a vampire, of course. didn't see the, i tried to help you out from a bad man but you took me back to your vampire nest and got turned, story. but made sure to vanquish any sympathy we might have had for the dude after saying he turned a high school kid into a vampire just to ruin her life as revenge

good old sibling bonding over killin vampires, a classic

adorable and always good to have more data that sam doesn't just eat salad :P

hey it's music reminding me of princess bride, i wonder if it's the same music as last time that reminded me of princess bride. that was a while ago (8x06 and 8x14 [which i included a clip of the music, dean setting up his room in the bunker with family pictures etc]). after comparing, the beginning is sorta similar but then it sort of mashes up into something else

DEAN You gonna be alright now that you're outnumbered again? JODY Ah, as long as everyone wears a condom, we'll be fine. DEAN I want that bumper sticker.

true that. told my 10 year old that it's important to know about sex and how babies get made because we don't want any surprise babies running around and the look he gave me: 😵‍💫

i think a lot of it is jody/kim rhodes but the katherine/kathryns also did great making the whole family dynamic with sam and dean work - and the writing! like hey you all can still do a good monster of the week and have really nice, touching and funny moments with the side characters - two episodes in a row! and i didn't even get disgruntled over amara drama once this episode woot woot

[curseofbreadbear]

hey howdy hey! i figured it's high time i discussed gregory's emotional state throughout sb and why he isn't, y'know, freaking out as much as he should be in-game. i have a lot of thoughts on this and i've already discussed them a bit with @securitybreachdd but i wanted to ramble about them more in-depth here!

Okay, so something I reference to myself a lot is the fact that some of Gregory's voice lines were cut from the game, lines that included him crying or reacting to injuries (i.e. the cut he got in the vents that made Freddy rush him to a first-aid station). I think that taking these lines out was a very deliberate move, and although I KNOW the twist the book is going to give us, I'd like to tackle this from a different angle (the one that inspires how I write my Gregory).

I think Gregory is a kid who has been forced to be brave and shut his own emotions down for a very, very long time; the only signs we get that he is actually frantic throughout the night are those rare instances where he lashes out at Freddy ("All they've done all night is try to get me! They get what they deserve.") or when his breathing becomes panicked in one of his hiding spots. As somebody who lingered in those spots a LOT the first time I played, that aspect actually messed me up more than the crying might have -- that feels more raw. I don't know how else to describe it.

Now, anyone who's read through my blog will know that my Gregory has cried before -- but I try to write it in a very specific way. Gregory will only cry in moments of perceived comfort, and only with those he completely trusts (i.e. Glamrock Freddy & Gabriel, his twin). Otherwise, it will not happen -- not when he's being chased, not when he has a moment to hide, not when he's alone. If he cries, and he lets his fear get the better of him, then he will not survive.

As I said earlier, I believe that the cut audio is intentional; they could have made Gregory an emotional kid who is going through a traumatic, stressful situation, and reacting to it accordingly, but they didn't. Instead, they chose to make Gregory power through it, and even showcased him getting "revenge" on the robots who tried to hurt him. It always felt like it connected to me, like Gregory was getting back at something more, and like his emotional "maturity" throughout the night could be thoroughly explained if you read between the lines.

I mean, when you choose to have Gregory leave, you find out that he's HOMELESS. That could mean a number of things; he could be a runaway, his parents are dead, etc.. No matter what, though, you can deduce that his familial situation isn't GREAT. Gregory might have been taking care of himself for some time now, which would be a big contributing factor to his emotional state throughout the night (forcing himself to be tough, doing almost everything on his own, etc.).

So, yeah. I think the reason Gregory's lack of panic, aside from scattered moments (i.e. security offices, hiding spots, etc.), really gets to me is because I can relate -- which is why I'm gradually getting more and more pissy about the "plot twist" the book is gonna throw our way, but whatever. Anyway- I think my point is that Gregory (based on SB alone) is a realistic portrayal of a kid, because I was literally LIKE THAT. I still kind of am. Bottling up all of your anxiety and tears can be devastating to you, but you really don't realize it -- you think it makes you tough, and others kind of perceive you that way, which really doesn't help. I'm sure Gregory's the same way, so that's how I try to write him.

TL;DR: Gregory is a kid with a bad home life, so he's probably had to take care of himself for a while now. A lot of kids develop a state of emotional """maturity""" after that sort of hardship, and Gregory's mostly involves bottling up his emotions, including the panic and stress he feels throughout SB.

[p5x-theories]

I've been thinking. Do the original phantom thieves exist in the p5x timeline, or is this an alternate universe where they didn't? I feel like someone would have mentioned them at this point, or Closer would probably bring up his they're like those "other guys" (the PTs). Unless the whole team is dense and didn't notice them when they were doing the whole thing.

That, or this is the Maruki universe? I haven't played Royal, but I'm gonna assume his whole thing was like, giving you what you wanted the most or making you happy no matter how many laws of the universe he broke, such as raising the dead. Unless that was all a sort of simulation of sorts. That being said, if you get everything you want, wouldn't that mean you'd have no desire for anything else? Though considering the Palace owners, that isn't really the case. Maybe.

Another thought I've had is that this takes place in one of the bad endings of P5X, probably the one where you sold out the crew and joined with Jablo...Jabloldbrka....the cup fella. I can't put it into words since I've never seen it because I'd be too sad practically betraying everyone, but maybe it works? Since we don't know Joker's role in the story despite seeing him in the previous trailer, maybe he's going to be working against us?

Ah, yes, the bad end theories! Both post-Maruki bad end and post-original P5 bad end have been suggested as possibly being where P5X is set on this blog before, and it's always fun to come back to those after we get some new info, so thanks for bringing them up again!

In Maruki's case, he was absolutely trying to create everyone's "ideal" worlds without trauma, so it would stand to reason that people would have no desires left if everything's "ideal" for them. I could definitely see Maruki smoothing over the involvement/actions of the Phantom Thieves to keep people from questioning his world too much- in fact, this comes up at least a bit in P5R as, if I recall correctly, at least one of the Phantom Thieves doesn't seem to quite remember what brought them all together as friends in the first place- which could explain your point about the Wonder Squad never so much as referencing the original Phantom Thieves so far in P5X.

I think the biggest hitches here would be: 1) There'd have to be more to it to result in all traces of the Phantom Thieves, as real-world people, being completely erased as far as we've seen so far, including things like the rebrandings (Big Burger, no Leblanc or Crossroads, etc), because Maruki wouldn't have done that at least as we saw him in Royal, and 2) It would suggest something's gone wrong with his "ideal" world, as people are having desires again- both our main characters, and people with warped desires that form their own Palaces or even just a Mementos Shadow. But neither of those are insurmountable obstacles to this theory!

In Yaldabaoth's case, specifically making the deal with him, it does track that people would lack desires, as the point was control, conformity, and essentially locking everyone into Mementos to think the same way, unable to act for themselves (ie, desire something). The fact that the deal with him would allow Joker to continue acting as a phantom thief (and possibly joined by the other original Phantom Thieves as well, though that's unclear or even unlikely if I'm remembering right) would also explain how the Metaverse still exists, and how there are still Palace rulers. If the other Phantom Thieves are gone, locked inside the Velvet Room, it could also explain why traces of them in the real world have vanished, which works out nicely! I don't think there are actually any major points against this theory right now.

These "post-bad end" theories are fascinating to me, because I'd really love either of them to be true, but I'd also be kind of surprised if Atlus let them make Joker be an antagonist, haha. I just... keep expecting something in P5X canon to disprove them, and instead they just... seem to keep clicking into place better???

Anyway, on the other hand, there's always the alternate universe theory, like you also mentioned. This one would be a good way for P5X to tell its story and have similarities to P5, while still being able to get away with any discrepancies, because it's an alternate universe so of course things are a little different! Since it's so flexible, it's a pretty good fallback theory at the moment, as it'd be hard to contradict unless something directly from P5 canon shows up to prove it's actually the same universe, haha.

[raystxntz]

(OOC: I've gone back and forth about making this post, to be completely honest. It's not my intention to stir the pot, it's not my intention to exacerbate the situation any more than it already has, and it's not my intention to make people go on a witch hunt against certain blogs or people should they know the identities behind the blogs. But I was also roleplaying with this person for such a long time that I feel the need to step out and make my opinions on what happened known, in the clearest and most concise way possible. Whoever you are, whether you see this post or not, words cannot describe how ASHAMED I am of you. And I'm a tolerant person by nature, so when I say that shit, I fucking mean it.

I respected your writing. I respected the work that you put into crafting your version of Egon, the commitment that you brought to your plots, and the way you were willing to interact with just about anyone. Which is why it appalls me that you would act like this, and why I am deeply, deeply hurt by it.

I understand being protective of your own interpretation of a character. I understand feeling burnt out on something that you're meant to enjoy. I understand all of those feelings. But at some point, you have to realize that this is a fictional character you are playing and that it is literally not that deep. It is not your place to try and gatekeep someone else's interpretation of a character. It is not your place to consistently bring that issue-an issue of your OWN MAKING-to someone who's been struggling through their own mental health issues for quite some time. Don't like something, don't interact with it. That is the bare minimum of interacting with fan content on the Internet, but apparently you couldn't even follow that rule. This person was simply doing what anyone else would do in the same situation--making the most out of a bad situation--and you chose to drag their name through the mud instead, willingly engaging with their blog when you had already proceeded to block them.

And for saying that you care about the community you had fostered, that you cared about your roleplay partners, you sure did have a funny way of showing it. You left people on read when they were trying to communicate with you about big plots. You even did it to ME a handful of times. You made the choice to have your character be so fucking unapproachable in his demeanor towards others that I and SEVERAL OTHERS actually felt fucking INTIMIDATED to DM you about anything. Look me dead in the fucking eyes and tell me that Harold Ramis would have approved a version of his character being so downright SPITEFUL towards those around him. You can't. Don't even fucking TRY to. And for constantly stressing the importance of communication with other rp blogs, YOU are the one who left people hanging more times than I can reasonably count. YOU are the one who came scarily close to GOD-MODDING other people's characters a handful of times.

I wanted to think of you as a friend. I was willing to give you the benefit of doubt so many fucking times. But seeing how you've served to alienate and hurt other people in this community through your actions? I cannot in good conscience condone that kind of behavior.

If you see this post at ANY point, FIX YOUR SHIT. This entire situation was on you to remedy. You and you alone. By dragging other people into this conflict, by dragging people through the mud to try and fix a problem, you've only made it worse for yourself. And I fucking hope that you take a good long look at your actions and fix them for the better after this entire spectacle.

If anyone knows who I'm referring to, or knows the identity behind them, DO NOT witch-hunt. Do not go to their blog, do not send them hateful anons, do not take any action whatsoever that's harmful in any way. I will not be conducting myself in that manner regardless of this post, and I ask others to do the same. I simply wanted to put my feelings down, and let the community at a large know that I do not condone whatever occurred. This is the only post I'll be making on the matter. Thank you.)

[fictionfixations]

i set it as mature because im kind of vaguely referring to it but just in case.

Since I talk about anything and everything on this blog, here are my opinions over live action shows. Note that I am very biased in the sense that I prefer animation over real life stuff, but also live action stuff has stupidly good sound design that it just hits that satisfying part.

But anyway I don't watch them that often. That's partially my fault because I don't keep up to date with news regarding that, however reasons I don't really like to watch them that much is kind of just.. the drama??

Like uhh, let me talk about How to Get Away with Murder. It's kind of crazy that you can have something with that title, but then again there's like a book that's like.. Lol(complete this word) something. I can't remember now but I think it's about uhh a pretty bad thing? (I found it in the wild and was like 'huh I think I've heard of this' and googled it to see if it'd be something I'd like to read. Haha no.) I don't really wanna google to make sure anyway but uh under the assumption that it's kind of over a really bad thing (and probably fiction because I think it's in the POV of the person who is doing the bad????)

So I guess anything can really exist tbh, including a title like that. But so. I got into it cause I had an interest in law and crime stuff. And the beginning part where it shows a thing that's happening, then we rewind back to how we got there. That was really cool, but maybe it's my bad for not knowing what's going on anymore, but with later seasons it felt like it was just plot twisting because without any actual reason besides 'ahh the other seasons did this'.

Anyway. I hate relationship drama. Like there's just this gay guy I think? And he got with someone. And then he cheated and he gets dumped and sad times and I'm just like WHY D ID YOU DO THAT ??? I mean iirc he did it to get like information but om

or like. So there's these pairings. I generally can't remember age difference but I'm pretty sure.. I think her name was Bonnie...???????? It's been awhile so I can't remember any names actually. But so it was I think the main lawyer teacher person's assistant or something? and i think she got into a relationship with a student. Now I think they're all 18 at least but like OM. WHY. Like. It just felt like they were doing the naughty because. with no actual reason?? like ohh lets all put them into relationshipss because. i dont know???

and again i might be completely biased but this is how i felt watching it and so thats what i remember. maybe there is a reason. i dont know. i just feel iffy with the probably age difference. or at least power difference

or maybe i just dont like work relationships turning into romance or sexual ones like om

And then there's this guy who I think is older but I can't remember what his position was. ANd there's this girl whose like also a student? Like okay so basically there's this lawyer teacher person and there's a bunch of students in her class. and she chose a bunch of them to help her with managing cases

But so there's this guy who is NOT a part of that. but pursuing a relationship with the girl despite age gap probably??? I swear there was something something during the show about it that made conflict but im just like what the fuck why

Like okay ignoring all the dark and fucked up shit in like some of the cases iirc, can we not have everyone getting into a relationship for some unknown reason?

and then there was the thing about the lawyer teacher persons husband???? or no ? person she has a thing. with? but i think he has a wife??? but like he basically did a lot to help her win the cases (and also meant he like lost his job or got demoted or something) so that fucked him over a lot

blah blah blah.

also his wife who was like dying or some shit was like to her 'pull the plug' and she did it and then the guy found her and his wife dead and he thought she did it maliciously and im just like CO.MU.NI.CA.TI.ON. PLEASE. and like he might not believe her but also NOT saying it means that its a 0% chance of being believed anyway because you dont propose the idea??

maybe im just like. being. super confused. also i stopped somewhere during like this weird hallucination baby part and i dont know what the fuck happened??? and its like the baby isnt real but the teacher lawyer person thinks theres a baby

and im pretty sure i missed something because i have no idea when that became a thing

anyway i got too off topic. what i mean about my general dislike of live action shows is

drama. because like they have to get some conflict to continue the story?? but it either feels like it comes out of nowhere or makes one of the characters or both characters assholes and really shitty to each other. and like getting good relationships breaking up and getting back together and being toxic and im just like BRUV stop hurting each other?? PLEASE????

often said but MISCOMMUNICATION. the bad kind. like not tcf miscommunication of haha funny, but the kind that breaks relationships??? like yknow the frustration of itd all just be solved if they TALKED TO EACH OTHER

like. i dont know, maybe its just me. but like the first few seasons of a show tend to be like really good? and then it kind of feels like it degrades over time because they're trying to keep it going and so theyre dragging it out, adding bits and pieces here to try and keep the audience hooked.

and dont get me wrong its okay to like those kinds of shows, its just not my cup of tea and probably even more considering age difference relationships are kinda not something i like to see. i mean irl if its like something that makes you happy, and youre old enough to make your own choices and you know what youre doing and being with your partner makes you happy, then all the power to you.

and i honestly might be irritated by the amount of stories where character falls in love with like someone who they work with, generally in a higher position so im more against it.

tbh though it might just be that what i dont like about more darker or like adult shows tend to include doing the thing? because it becomes something dark because thats the kind of show they're in so it inevitably gets dragged down with it ?? like it becomes less 'im doing it because im in love' or 'im doing it and im genuinely enjoying it' and becomes something else that makes me not able to enjoy it. and idk a lot of feels like 'impulsive lets do the thing, wake up the next morning how the fuck do we act'. and thats not to be like you cant do that because you can, but it feels like its generally kind of done to run away from problems or deal with stress without thinking of how they're going to handle it later? so its like doing it with (implied??) consent but not really actually thinking about like consequences so its kind of muddy

or like. doing the thing just because they can? to which its just there because uh plot without actually meaning anything.?? like theres no point and it makes everything more complex and like it brings about a kind of relationship that i dont like and hhh

actually while im thinking about this

can we talk about how like squid game. i think that had a scene where two characters did the thing. and how the fanbase is kind of made up of kids who probably assumedly watched it..? like cause it got really trendy and so on. which is kind of wtf

anyway i dont remember why they did it because i havent watched that in awhile either. who knows maybe they had valid reasons, idk i forgot it even happened until now.

anywayyy theres probably plenty of shows that have none of that (honestly i should probably just find shows with no romance because the few ive seen have probably tainted how i think of them in general). but ive never seen them so womp womp.

to be perfectly clear though theres very few shows ive watched. like theres..

How to Get Away with Murder (idk what season I stopped at) Supernatural (idk what season i stopped at..) Lucifer (idk what season i stopped at) Squid Game The Umbrella Academy (idk what season I stopped at? i cant remember if there was any romance in this one, but I think I watched it to its recentest point at one point. and then like I think next season the one character whose name I cannot remember's actor became of the opposite gender? which good for them and i think their character changed genders too? but that was before next season came and then i didnt keep up with news so had no idea until i went to like the shows wiki tbh) Crazy Ex Girlfriend (honestly it was more me watching it with a friend. there was generally some crazy shit tbh and then we stopped cause watching it was stressful to them. i dont really fully remember what happened but it was weird)

so like really not big enough of a pool for me to really know if theres shows that are different and better. and it might be also because that i watched it my recommendations are then filled with stuff like that

so yeah. shrug.

anyway i just like talking so i wanted to get that out there. i might be totally wrong but if i dont get it out its just gonna keep bothering me to think about it

[phoenixwrites]

I'm not going to send anything more after this because you are correct that there are other blogs I can interact with instead of yours. 1) I can feel sorry for the teenager and still enjoy the adults death. Two things can be true at once. 2) it is not difficult to feel empathy, it's a choice not to. Same way I don't feel bad for military or cops who get PTSD from the violence they commit I don't feel bad for billionaires who disparage safety regulation and then die due to malfunction. 3) ofc I acknowledge that the pleasure is sick, I never shied away from that. 4) there is a world of difference between "I feel bad about death and suffering" and "jfc hating rich people is no excuse you need to touch grass and are unempathetic". That is what I attempted to communicate but obviously failed. I came across as preachy when I tried to explain the thought process in which someone can enjoy this, you are 100% correct in that. Good bye.

Look, I fully admit I've been pretty snarky in my responses to you. And I'm in full agreements, billionaires are awful, the fact that an X-BOX CONTROLLER (my roommate just informed me this jesus christ) was what steered this thing, and it had NO navigation system--the hubris and greed of it all is astonishing. It's very much a case of the Darwin Awards. And yeah, the media should definitely be paying more attention to the deaths of refugees who are trying to escape violence.

But think about what you're telling me for a second, this 'enjoyment' of the deaths of five people. Yeah, you're definitely acknowledging that now, but you came into my inbox because I feel uncomfortable with the weird celebratory nature of it that I've seen on Twitter and Tumblr. Some of my closest friends are kind of being a part of that. But we're adults, we can have differing perspectives on it.

And I reserve the right to find it a little disturbing that people are turning something that really should be the plot to a horror film into a 'ha ha they deserved it, I'm glad they're dead'. And find it a little weird that people are actively SEARCHING for reasons to find these dudes "problematic" so they can do this without guilt.

Maybe it's because I've had people comb through my blog for "problematic" content in order to paint me as a villain for the past six months is why I feel weird about it.

My point is I guess, that irony isn't always humorous. And I see that you didn't mean to come across as preachy, but let's both just have our differing perspectives on it and go from there.