#i feel an extremely high level of pressure to get it Right. but i hope i can.

[crimeronan]

months ago i drafted 3.5k of the first version of the next chapter of wwaitsoatl and then put it down bc i ran out of steam & i was like "oh god, i'm gonna need to rebuild this from scratch." opening it now i can confirm i will need to rebuild most of it from scratch BUT. there are a couple interactions between characters in here that made my heart actually skip a beat.

thank u past me.

[shiningmystic]

Future Spouse (PAC) Tarot Reading

18+ Minors do not interact

PAC has: Personality, your dynamic/vibe together and how they see you while you are together

From high demand I must deliver on what I promised so here it is, you're reading. This PAC took me awhile to make, please support me to continue making more PAC’s:

Support me

This reading is for all genders and ethnicities, somethings may not resonate because of culture, or the messages are just not for you. These readings are general and for many people. Take whatever resonates with you and move along.

The focus of this reading isn't nsfw and is more towards your relationship and about them. I will probably make a nsfw reading with a twist but for now simple info about you and your spouse's relationship. Entertainment purposes only thank you. Sorry for the long wait this is for my sister who is in Greece looking for her love.

Did you vibe with this reading? Come get a personal one :)

5 piles: (I hope you enjoy my little graphic)

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Pile 1: Saturn

Zodiac signs: Aries, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Aquarius

The Tower, The Anchor (Emperor), four of coins (rx), The World, The Lovers (rx), seeker (page) of swords

Your Future spouse is unpredictable, a strong personality that knows what they want but at the same time you can't completely pin them down to something. This unpredictability is attractive but there is also a stable energy anchoring these strong traits down making them endearing to the right people. They are lots of fun and a person that enjoys a full out vacation and partying (I’m feeling with the right people).

This energy feels like ‘don’t judge a book by its cover because you really don’t know me’ vibes. The lack of water may be balanced out by you from this personality spread. Overall, when there is a lack of water energy there is a lack of fluidity so they may be extremely emotional or pretty stoic to the point they struggle expressing emotions physically like awkward hugs and no kisses; they will need time to open up with that if that is something they like.

I also get the vibe you may not like them right away and if you do, they may do things that bother you like tease and point out things they don’t need to. I just feel this silly competitive side to them as well that may be annoying, but I see this being playful and fun as well, this doesn't come from a bad place.

I feel a very intelligent/smart vibe, but with this competitive nature comes judgment. They may be really good in school or excels/is talented at something that they may pursue; there’s always this pressure on them to be better because they are already so good at whatever they do which may be why I got the energy of chaos, they wanna have fun. They are mystery with the tower but also someone you can’t ignore.

They have seen some shit so that is something that has shaped them (many people in these piles have). The tower is next to the anchor I believe they may have had a rough upbringing and have a strained relationship against authority/parents. They may come off as judgy at times, it comes from their own pressure in being better for the people they care for.

I see they are truth seekers, people who search for the right answer to the ends of the earth. Not to be right but to do what is best for them and the people they love. They love a lot deeper than they show. So, it’s clear to me that they grew up learning to not share what they feel. An energy of having to ignore certain feelings to focus on what was important.

Your dynamic together:

Judgment, Ace of swords, The Magi (Magician), The Star (rx), The Moon, Ruler of Wands, Sovereign (Queen) of Wands

Already got hints of playful sparing probably word play or cracking jokes. Playful teasing and unhinged laughter. For people who have strong personalities you both may butt heads. I see you both enjoying having someone on your level. I see a maturity in this group which is why you both can be so fun with one another; there is trust that they won’t leave you hanging out to dry. Like if they make plans with you, they stick to them unless an emergency, they are committed the moment they get a hint of potential.

If you call and ask for help 9/10 times they will be there. When either of you feel kinda off your game I see someone picking up the slack with no complaints. I believe this dynamic between you to will stay stable because of an understanding and peace you find between the other. I see you help the other shine in their own way. For people who have soft personalities you will grow unhinged along with them I say this because they are influential 😂. From my vision I see them being practical with getting you flowers but then doing something different like taking you to a place you’ve never been, or surprising you with a personal gift that may be weird but with meaning. I see both of you just getting to know one another and your quirks just work well together, that’s all I can say. Just to add as a last note, the moon card talks about mystery, so even if I tell you this information there are still huge surprises this person holds that I can’t pick up on.

Their thoughts and feelings towards you when you are together:

The Moon (rx), Ten of Swords, Seven of Coins, Sovereign (queen) of wands, Ten of wands, Ace of cups

I see they see you as something very special. Not like a prize but something precious and that should be cherished. I see them having to change for you and they grow with you which I believe is the realest form to show your love; being willing to change for another; and obviously the changes aren’t worth holding onto which is why they are willing to change. I see them always finding something to love about you even on hard days together. I believe you both have this casual understanding of ‘we’re stuck together even if this doesn’t work out’. Ok ok I see many of you are tough cookies, you’re both on the same level (I keep saying that so many strong personalities here) find you to be a pain in the best way and love you for your flaws. Wait just got a message, that they do love you for your flaws and you love theirs; 'You may be to real sometimes, but I will always be here to take it and learn.'

Again, your both chill with your quirks and they LOVE that about you, feeling accepted but also ok with changing behaviors that can be problematic is a golden person, a relatable person. I see you both love and accept deeply the other’s work (career) and time when you come together to make the most exciting life together. You are beautiful to them, someone who has struck them as their true partner in crime. You shake up their world as they do yours. I don’t see many people around you, so I think you both prefer just chillin with the other when you get married, like others don’t matter as much as you both do to the other, strong personalities for the win.

Physical traits:

Body shapes/traits: Stocky, buff, burly, skinny, limber, scars, Tall

Hair/color: Dirty blonde, brown/light brown hair, long, shoulder length, bald/buzzed head

Eye color: green, brown

Letters: L, T, W, A, I, N, X

Hope you enjoyed the reading, head over to my ko-fi if you have more questions about your future spouse!

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Pile 2: Alien Spaceship

Zodiac signs: Capricorn, libra, Aries, Gemini, Virgo, Taurus

Ace of wands (rx), five of wands (rx), justice, conqueror (knight) of swords, the anchor (emperor) (rx), ten of coins

I see your future spouse being an overthinker and too much in their head. I see them having possible control issues and pretty reserved as a person. They are a great mediator and a pretty reasonable person, but I see that they hold a lot inside and it festers and exaggerations/intense outcomes, so I see anxiety. Many of our personalities are affected by our past so this is just what I see first. I see they may have a pretty reserved family and strict upbringing, so they are very picky of their spouses, and you are definitely the one if they picked you lol. When they get to talking though, they can talk your ear off, I love seeing their energy when they open up.

I see major intelligence and book smart learner which may be why there is such a reserved feeling, like they are pretty ‘crazy/silly’ on the inside, but they keep that under wraps for the people they love and won’t judge them. It’s like they’re the type to watch their person of interest from afar and see how they live their life and from there they plan and think of ways to approach you and start things slow.

They aren’t a slow-moving person but because I see family being something on their mind, they will consider every factor and person. If you approach them, it could go either way. They just seem like the type to really take their time to feel you out before saying anything that could give away their interest. They always have to weigh their options before doing anything.

I feel like there studies and college were their life for a time or still is. They want to make their families proud and feel worthy of a comfortable life. I see a very kind hardworking personality who just wants to do the right thing. They sacrifice a lot, but I see them just shrugging it off.

Your dynamic together:

Ruler (king) of swords, seven of wands (rx), the moon, sovereign (queen) of swords, eight of wands

Uhhhhh, ok well you may be pretty compatible because the queen and the king are here, but they don’t give off romance vibes, it’s more like power couple vibes, you both are super smart together it scares people. You both understand the others mood and click charismatically, like you guys are chill and talk about everything.

Not saying you guys are sharp tongued but with each other you may have some great banter but a lot of dry stuff. The last pile was much louder with their jokes while these ones just casually hit the mark and both of you chuckle at each other's silly moments, very low-key affection but it’s sweet. I see both of you will have a lot to discover about the other and opening them up like a book to see the colors of their soul makes you appreciate them more and their complexity as a person.

I see you being there walls down and will get to see a side of them that the cards aren’t showing me (obviously all readings should only scream h the surface of what’s to come). I do see you guys having different opinions and you both give each other the space to speak up and say how you feel even if it’s illogical (which I’m getting a sense you both follow logic more than emotion). you both understand what it’s like to be shut down for having the wrong opinion then both of you will definitely get along and will never turn away.

If this is an arranged marriage, then this person is a good fit for you logically not emotionally. A lack of cups shows me that you both will learn together about true vulnerability and that kind of work will always be a rocky ride. If this is not arranged, then you both are really headed towards the unknown with how it feels to let someone in but because you chose them, they are 100% worth the struggle.

Their thoughts and feelings towards you when you are together:

Death, the star, justice, judgment, ruler (king) of wands

I'm getting a feeling like they really don’t know what to expect from you? You’re just a new person to them, I guess. They find you very attractive even a bit intimidating. This vibe is like someone observing and just not understanding what the other is thinking.

For people who will have an arranged marriage it does feel like someone you don’t know deeply but enough. They don’t know how to pin you down and when they eventually talk the tension gets better but they still get super nervous around you; they may act out of character.

Ok so they are just struck by you, attracted but unsure of what to do or even approach that situation so they are super passive 😂 they may get hard on themselves feeling unworthy but obviously there is a point that you both get married.

For the people who don’t think they will have an arranged marriage they will see you and know something is up. Death and the star? Intense. Love at first sight energy or coincidental meeting.

Physical Traits:

Body shapes/traits: skinny, limber, lithe, slim/slender

Hair color: black, brown/light brown, straight hair

Eye color: blue, green, brown

Letters: E, D, Y, W, Q, R, D

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Pile 3: Stars (warning: nsfw messages)

Zodiac signs: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Aquarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Leo

The World, The Queen of swords, Judgement, knight of wands, knight of pentacles (rx), the king of swords

I instantly got that you guys are the traveler pile, the sound of going around the world is at least appealing to some with the world card representing your spouse. I sense a public speaker or someone who has to get Infront of people to explain a plan. Could be a company leader or even a manager, someone with responsibility. I see they have a friends in many places, all different types of people.

Doesn't really matter your spouse has a tongue (wink wink) strong charisma but in a subtle way with minimal words (sorry I can't ignore their lips, they enjoy giving oral and or receiving, the messages come at random lol). So, with the queen of swords being beside the judgment card they may have a serious personality. They have to make big choices a lot, so they have no sweat when it comes to smoothing convincing and talking people out of things. A bit of sneaky energy, they enjoy a bit of playful energy.

I see from there serious persona that they had to be strong a lot through heartache, from family and the way they were treated. this isn't a bad thing because they are who they are now, but I get a feeling that they accept it because they don't like causing the issues, they like solving them. They have a habit of never being alone because they don't like it, they can take care of themselves and take care of others but they def have a problem with avoiding their heart ache and acknowledging they aren't ok on the inside when they were always having to take care of everything for people, major taurus vibes.

I see they are very well respected where they work but they are relied on too much. I don't see them as a push over, but I see them having to give up a lot in situations or manipulate people to keep the peace probably in the home or workplace. The last thing I see from them is ambition, even though they are quiet they have determination unlike any other and finish everything that they do. I sense they do a lot of things by themselves; I can see when they find something that interests them, they go full force focus on it. They are bad with patients sometimes and will be top of their job one day. Job motivated.

Your dynamic together:

The king of wands, The hierophant, the two of pentacles, death, page of cups, page of swords

I see they travel so you guys call a lot, txt a lot, facetime. When you two are together this doesn't have to be the case though. I see them asking to marry you early on in the dating game or even hinting at their devotion which I see being overwhelming for some so you'll probs set boundaries and they will respect them, they care for your comfort. So, most of the time they are the ones stoic and relaxing beside you like they kinda belong there. Your spouse is learning to communicate properly (maybe language barrier? or broken English? you just connect) I see you both exploring the world and enjoying each other's presence even when silent they seem to always be looking at you.

I keep getting a scene in my head just being in a coffee shop, getting your tea or coffee and you both just relaxing and enjoying the beauty and pleasant scenery, good libra energy. I see them determined to win your heart, but I don't see them stopping the admiration. but they are also distant lol. Sucha lonely person I can see them lighting up and really becoming who they desire to be with you. Not saying you're the reason, you're just a huge help for them to get to their goals because they have always taken care of other people's problems.

Their thoughts and feelings towards you when you are together:

The hanged man, nine of swords, 4 of pentacles, knight of cups reversed, emperor reversed, seven of cups reversed

You make them lose their minds. They don't know how to approach or talk to you, and this may put them in a cycle of failed attempts to ask you out or even just talk to you; you make them so nervous they have moments in bed hunched over embarrassed that you saw them being weird or something like that but they still feel compelled to try and talk to you. I see them falling for you quickly, but you may not know their interest until later because of their mask. They get all giddy with you and that horrifies them. (I never expected to get a reading like this? vibes that fill my stomach with butterflies, first time falling in love vibes.) Again, I'm getting real conservative or at least just not expressive person or doesn't share much emotionally which admittedly is a lot of people. They do this for a while, thinking you adorable and admiring you from afar until finally they ask you out.

High sexual tension after that, some of you built a slow friendship but for others I don't think they were friends with you beforehand so this person just kind of comes out of nowhere asking you out even if you are friends, it just pops out of nowhere mid convo. I see your future spouse instantly apologizing and repairing things with you if they freak you out (lol). You see they are genuine, and I felt that before I pulled the fool reversed, they are just really bad at social stuff but that's ok and its pretty charming on my end at least but you obviously both get comfy and are happy you have met one another. This eventually grows into a great communicative relationship (like wow 180 in personality, you help them grow into the person they really are and that make my heart so happy!)

Physcial traits;

Body shapes/traits: Tattoos, skinny, Limber, belly, burly, beauty marks, short

Hair color/type: Dreads, Brown/light brown hair, Long, bald/buzzed

Eye color: Amber, grey, brown

Letters: C, M, G, O, B, U, K

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Pile 4: Earth (warning: nsfw messages)

Zodiac signs: Aquarius, Taurus, Sagittarius, Pices, Cancer, Leo

4 of pentacles (rx), The Artist (from the ethereal visions tarot deck), knight of swords (rx), eight of cups, 9 of swords, three of swords (rx)

I can see that your person is a carefree individual who is also searching for their love. I see they are a wounded spirit feeling unsecure and making it their personality when really, they are seeking a place to find and release their love. They are a dreamer, and I bet a creator of some type: writer, artist, dancer, musician you name it they have many talents.

I see that there view of the world is a bit skewed from this rejection energy they have towards themselves and others. maybe goth or rebel vibes but I don't feel that for everyone. Besides that, I see they are great with people and can be quite social, but they don’t broadcast it. I see through their art they release a lot of their pain and that is their life, but I see that they have much more potential to explore. Big visionary energy, they are ahead of their time. Aquarius vibes and many types of friends.

I can also see hyperactive energy from the knight of wands but that doesn’t have to be the case, they can come off as arrogant and a little pretentious but it’s because of this huge insecurity they hold over themselves and try to hide their weaknesses by being silly or making fun of themselves.

I can see harsh criticism on their art and have high expectations for themselves, possibly a perfectionist. I can see their art is really good, but they doubt it (big sad). From the 8 of cups their path is a healing one, that’s pretty awesome so I see them meeting you in a good state of being. I see it’s really helping them learn how to be themselves again. They can get bored easily, but I see that they are taking good steps in trusting themselves and really putting themselves out there, lots of bravery energy.

Your dynamic together:

Knight of pentacles, 9 of pentacles (rx), two of pentacles, Temperance, 9 of cups (rx), five of cups. (rx)

You both consistently bring yourself up to the plate for one another and are full of surprises. I see you bring a sense of stability to them and for you they bring a sense of wonder. I see both of you spend time basically complimenting one another, I even see both of you helping each other out with picking outfits and colors. This is equal partner energy it’s so sweet. I see a balance of give and take, a sweet exchange of love and genuine interest in the same things but not forced or different just comfortable.

Both of you give into the other emotionally and I see tight hugs and lots and lots of cuddling, healing energy. I feel like you both hold onto each other in fear of letting the other go, both of you have been hurt but talking it out helps as you both open up and really connect, lots of Scorpio energy here and sharing secrets.

There is an energy of cutting off family or not interacting with past people who have both let you down. They are a mess of tears either way you and it’s really sweet to see. I can hear them just thanking you for existing.

Their thoughts and feelings towards you when you are together:

The star, eight of pentacles (rx), two of swords, Ace of wands, seven of swords

Effortlessly chilling and enjoying each other’s presence. I’m getting that you both don’t need to talk to just enjoy one another cause energy speaks which make you both forget to speak up sometimes. They see you as a star and I believe you return their sentiment. I see it feels natural for them to be with you and just work with you. I believe they also like to show you off and admire you like a weirdo (hehe).

I see that it’s not a hard decision when it comes to getting freaky, it could be random times, but I see you both always ready for it haha and they can’t help themselves. There may be moments that you gotta lay down boundaries because you both get to into the zone and distracted. I see a lot of physical connection. You may not completely understand their feelings and you there but you both understand other aspects of each other that others don’t see. From the two of swords, I see that they understand you best in the sheets (they are so funny, funniest pile.) They always get away with cheesy things like pecking your cheek when you least expect it or scaring you (Halloween vibes aye) and just teasing.

If you would like to ask more go to my ko-fi!

Physical traits:

Body shapes/traits: curvy, burly, buff, limber, petite, big eyes

Hair color/type: Afro, dye, dreads, straight, wavy, orange/red

Eye color: Hazel, brown

Letters: N, O, P, Y, K, H, F

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Pile 5: Moon

Zodiac signs: Leo, Libra, Pisces, Virgo,

Seven of pentacles (rx), knight of swords (rx), five of pentacles (rx), five of cups, nine of wands (rx), the sun, the hanged man (rx), the world

I see you person is hardened by constant patients and having to compromise being the higher person. They are smart smarter than a lot of people. I sense genius vibes/come up vibes. A lot of underlining motivation for your spouse is to be cold and distant but there is much more to them (obviously) they just don’t like sharing themselves which I see changing it’s just a part of them that sticks out in their energy.

They take a lot of responsibility for their actions which is why they seem to be reserved, they don’t see a need to over say. Otherwise, they seem pretty chill and happy person beneath there mask. I see they are a hard worker and have a lot of determination to help others and themselves. They could help many people, getting wounded knight vibes from your spouse. I see that your spouse created a space where they can be themselves and have their own soul/chosen family. Their friends and allies are people they cherish, and I see they enjoy celebrating after a long hard-earned day.

I don’t know why there’s a huge focus of energy on their job so it’s something they are passionate about. Maybe it isn’t their job but something they are compelled to do. Star vibes. They know what they bring to the table and take their time to pick you. So, a slow burn. I also see they have a few close friends.

Your Dynamic Together:

King of wands (rx), 9 of cups, the fool (rx), 6 of swords (rx), four of cups, page of pentacles (rx), Ace of cups, 9 of pentacles (rx)

I sense you both find each other at a strange time and so you both bond over certain opinions and passive conversations. I don’t think you guys realize you start to fall for one another, a pleasing fulfillment whenever you both discuss and interest. I see with your dynamic you help one another out. Maybe you hired them for something at first and you both just hit it off to easily, but it does take a few times for you both to talk. I see similar mirroring energies so you both may notice something from the other that vibes. I see them giving you a lot of comfort in moments that feel like they were wasted.

I see there is a lot that you both work on together and one of those things is confidence. You both compliment and build each other up to the point that you both feel unstoppable. They may put too much logic in certain conversations but you both can joke with one another pretty easily. Dry humor, I also feel you both find each other’s quirks pretty charming glad to see more of that in these piles. I think you both also when dating, take naps together.

Their thoughts and feelings towards when you are together:

Page of swords (rx) eight of cups (rx), six of cups (rx), six of swords, page of wands, eight of swords (rx), eight of wands (rx), 2 of wands (rx), queen of wands

They feel like they don’t need to monitor their words around you and they lose the time just spending it with you. They may see you as a loner and they desire to open that up within you as they spend time with you. I feel like they notice right away that you remind them of themselves. You’re growing and focusing on your goals, finding a safe place with them and they love this. I see they want to treat you right and take things slow even though I see a little bit of a rush as you both finally reach a point where it’s obvious and is an unspoken truth.

They find you gorgeous, something that they needed to work towards. Lots of respect and energy putting into connecting with you. You may seem out of reach to them in some ways because of your similar anxieties but they are patient. I see you both discussing the future and then just staring at you adoringly as you talk.

Physical traits:

Body type/traits: belly/pauchy, curvy, fat, slim/slender, short, stocky

Hair color/type: dreads, wavy, curly, buzzed/bald, black, long

Eye color: blue, grey, brown

Letters: G, Z, J, L, S, N

[pretty-sparkle-bomb]

Imagine bakugou with someone who has a mad strong quirk and yet has no intention of being a hero, like bro can reshape reality or something and just wants to be a magazine editor or something would that drive him crazy or what

Oh yes, it would! Here's my take on this.

He's known you since childhood. Your quirk? Gamer.

It's extremely rare, so less than two per cent of the population has it. You can basically manipulate anything to your will, and every day, you have to complete tasks to gain new abilities.

He's always at your door after a training session to ask how much he's levelled up, and you would look at him with a dorky smile every time and say. "Why don't you get some rest?"

Time flows by, and soon the both of you are in high school. This is the time when your choices today mould your future.

"The hell? Whaddya mean yer not gonna apply to UA?" He snarled, but his words had a cushion to it. He was only ever soft with you, and everyone knew it.

"I just! I dunno Kats...I don't feel like the hero life is for me. You get what I'm saying?" You fiddled with the hem of your skirt as you looked up at him. His carmine eyes bore into yours.

"No, I don't. How can you throw away something so useful? Look at you, Y/n! You've been gifted, and there's only one thing to do with a powerful quirk like that!" He was trying to convince you. You knew it.

But this was all too pressuring. Everyone expected something more from you, always, and it was just too overbearing.

"It's just too much. I just want to live my life the way I choose." You looked up at him with teary eyes.

Bakugou clenched his fists, his frustration evident, but he didn't lash out. Instead, he took a deep breath, trying to understand. "But you could be one of the greatest, Y/N. Yer stronger than most pros out there. Why waste that?"

You sighed, shaking your head. "It's not a waste if I'm happy, Kats. I just wanna be an author and own my own bookstore. Maybe write a couple of articles for the daily news. I just wanna do something along that line."

He sighed and cupped your face, wiping away a stray tear.

"Fuck, don't cry." He sighed and closed his eyes. "As long as yer happy I guess..." he grumbled as you wrapped your hands around him. "Could always be a hero, though. If ya decide to change yer mind lemme know."

You sniffled, bringing up a hand to hold his that was still on your face. "Let's go for some ice cream, kay?" He asked in an attempt to cheer you up.

Your eyes brightened upon hearing those few words leave his mouth. You cheered silently and hugged his waist tightly, causing the blond to flinch and begrudgingly wrap an arm around your waist.

"Bakugo and Y/n sitting in a tree," one of his goons started to chant, and Bakugo's hands started sparking.

"YOU FUCKING EXTRA GET BACK HERE."

School is just stress on my head right now. My brain is so fried, but here's what my remaining two braincells pulled together cause they wanted fluff 🤦‍♀️ here Anon hoped you like it <3 and please ignore any grammatical errors. This was not proofread *cries in academic struggle*

[ceruleanwind]

Another Extreme

Lestappen | Explicit | 2.8k | Read on AO3

“Going somewhere?” Max grins at him. He’s so fucking cocky. Charles nods, feeling jerky and frantic. “Yeah. Really—ah, really have to pee.” He twists to cross his thighs over one another, glancing up at Max and resenting how his eyes gleam. Charles knows that look—he’s quite accustomed to it—and every time it doesn’t end well. “I don’t think so,” Max finally says, using his hold on Charles’ bicep to lead him down the hallway. “If you really had to go, you’d have done it by now.” Or: Charles gets desperate during a race. Max takes a particular interest in it.

It’s no secret that Charles has a tiny bladder.

In fact, he’s rather open about it most of the time; he’s talked about his experiences in interviews on numerous occasions and he knows full well that videos of him high-tailing it to the bathroom regularly circulate online. The exact reason why, Charles isn’t sure, but he sees no point in being ashamed of something everyone does.

He’d be lying if he said he hasn’t been ashamed before, though.

He’s had accidents in the past, of course. One Charles remembers vividly was in one of his feeder series races, when the race got red-flagged and he had no opportunity to pee before the race started up again. He remembers the way he sobbed as his muscles gave way despite the clench of his thighs together in the tiny space; he’ll never forget how it pooled at his ass and spread into the thick fabric of his race suit. Oh, did it feel good at the time, but Charles would rather die than relive the moment where he had to climb out of his car, red-faced, and explain to his mechanics what happened, tear tracks drying on his cheeks.

Even that, oh God, even that level of desperation doesn’t match up to how Charles is feeling right now.

The parallels are shocking, in fact. Charles currently sits in his car, thighs jammed together as he waits out the red flag. Jesus, it’s been, what—half an hour now? The race would have ended by now, easily—there are only a few laps to go, and Charles could have been in the bathroom already, chasing the sweet relief of emptying his overfilled bladder. “Are you sure there isn’t time for me to go pee?” Charles asks his race engineer for what has to be the fifth time now, his voice coming out a lot whinier than he intended.

“No, Charles. Race control says five minutes.”

“Didn’t they say that fifteen minutes—fuck, I don’t care.” Charles switches off his radio and groans, soon dissolving into a desperate whine. He manages to twist and turn enough to press one hand into his crotch, squeezing at his cock through his race suit. Time seems to pass unbearably slowly; Charles tries occupying his mind with other things—what is he going to have for dinner? Might he win this race from third place? What was that TV show he was watching this morning?—but not even his racing thoughts seem to mitigate the pressure in his bladder, the seatbelt cutting into his lower stomach and making him shiver.

Finally, oh-so-finally, the cars get clearance to line up on the grid again. Charles pulls into position, biting hard on his bottom lip every time his car jerks or bumps the tiniest bit. The metallic tang of blood explodes across his tongue as he navigates his car through the laps, panting with the effort of straining every muscle in his lower half to keep the flood at bay. He can’t pee himself in his car now that he’s made it to Formula One. He can’t. Charles winces as he imagines getting up on the podium with a soaked race suit, the wet patch blooming dark and obvious on the red fabric. The whole world would point and laugh and call him pathetic—he’s sure of it.

The adrenaline of overtaking Lando in the last lap and crossing the chequered flag in second place does momentarily suppress his overwhelming need to pee, he’ll admit. Once in parc fermé, Charles hops out of his car and congratulates Lando with a handshake, before turning to Max and doing the same. He hopes Max doesn’t notice how desperate he is—his teeth still catch on his bottom lip under his balaclava—but Max knows him scarily well. It’s a high hope.

Podium celebrations come first, of course, and then he can go, Charles promises himself, tugging off his helmet with a wince. It feels nicer to be stretched to his full height on solid ground as opposed to being pressed into his car, seatbelt pulled taut against his swollen bladder. The cooldown room is air-conditioned and has enough distraction for Charles to forget about his predicament—that is, until Max picks up an ice-cold water bottle, sweating with condensation, and lifts it to his lips, catching Charles’ eye. Charles watches, transfixed, as Max swallows down the water; he notices how a little of it runs down Max’s damp throat and it makes him turn away, pressing a hand over his mouth to keep quiet. All the painful pressure comes rushing back all at once and it nearly makes Charles sob, a shudder wracking his desperate body.

Charles doesn’t think he’s ever been this close to losing it in front of tens of thousands of people. On the podium, right next to Max, Charles squeezes his thighs together and receives his trophy with the last shred of self-control and decency he still holds. He holds it high to the sky and resolutely ignores the way his bladder throbs, a cold sweat breaking out across his skin under his clothes. The subsequent sticky spray of the champagne all over him nearly makes him lose it right then and there, but he holds out, drawing blood from his lip for the second time today.

His heart soars when the officials usher all three of them back inside. Glancing around, Charles prepares to take off for the nearest bathroom, but he’s stopped in his tracks by a firm hand wrapped around his bicep.

“Going somewhere?” Max grins at him. He’s so fucking cocky.

Charles nods, feeling jerky and frantic. “Yeah. Really—ah, really have to pee.” He twists to cross his thighs over one another, glancing up at Max and resenting how his eyes gleam. Charles knows that look—he’s quite accustomed to it—and every time it doesn’t end well.

“I don’t think so,” Max finally says, using his hold on Charles’ bicep to lead him down the hallway. “If you really had to go, you’d have done it by now.”

Charles’ stomach twists. He tries to wrench his arm free from Max’s grasp, but to no avail; he gives up and lets Max take him somewhere private instead. “That’s not—that’s—Max, I have to go,” he whines before gasping as a hot gush of liquid heat escapes his cock and soaks into his boxers. “Please, I—”

Max glances around, tugging Charles into a secluded section of hallway, shielded from any searching eyes. “Like I said,” he says, voice low and sweet as honey, “you’d have done it right now if you did.” He pushes at Charles’ shoulder, forcing him to his knees.

Tears form in Charles’ pretty green eyes as he slowly sinks to his knees in front of Max. He knows what he’s here to do—of course he does—but he doesn’t think he can stomach the inevitable embarrassment of peeing himself in front of Max, especially not after a race. His fingers work expertly at Max’s race suit, tugging it down to his hips before freeing his cock from his fireproofs. Charles gets a hand between his own thighs, twisting to squeeze at his desperate cock. Oh, he hates how stupid he gets when he’s on his knees. Max always gets a hand in his hair and brushes his thumb across his cheek and Charles is so far gone, blissfully obedient in every way.

“That’s it, baby, there you go,” Max hums appreciatively once Charles takes the head of his cock into his mouth. Charles moans around it, feeling fuzzy from the praise, only to gasp and whine when he relaxes too much and another wash of liquid heat soaks into his fireproofs.

“Max,” Charles begs once he pulls his mouth off Max’s cock, “please, I’m going to—”

Max merely grabs a handful of Charles’ hair and forces his head back down. “No you’re not,” he says, his voice level.

Oh, but he is. Charles sobs around Max’s cock as he lets more of it slide into his mouth, enveloping it in slick wet heat. Kneeling like this has Charles’ knees pushed right into the swell of his bladder and with how he’s shivering and how his muscles are twitching to try and hold it in, he knows he can’t last much longer. He’s really about to do this, isn’t he? He’s about to piss his race suit in front of Max, his cock halfway down his throat, and even just the thought has Charles nearly wanting to cry out of embarrassment. He takes Max’s cock until he chokes with it, tears spilling out onto blood-hot cheeks as he does what he’s made to do.

The desperation sets into each and every one of Charles’ nerves. It’s a warm, achy, tingling feeling that almost has him gasping as it coils hot and needy right in his cock. He can feel it creeping up on him like a massive wave, threatening to drown him.

It only takes a few more seconds of kneeling in that position before Charles’ depleted muscles give out and he floods his clothes, a dizzying, full-body shiver ripping through him as a result. That flow of wet, delicious heat washes continuously over his crotch and spreads across the tops of his thighs, forming a dark wet patch on the cherry red fabric. Charles whimpers, high and loud and pathetic around Max’s cock, squirming with discomfort as he soaks his clothes practically from waist to toe.

“Oh,” Max says, an air of condescension surrounding him as he looks down at Charles, watches him wet himself like a pathetic little kid. “Guess you did have to go.” His hand in Charles’ hair doesn’t let up; in fact, he only squeezes tighter, fucking forward into the delicious slick heat of Charles’ mouth. Charles whines in response, pretty tears streaming down his cheeks, and Max can’t get enough of it. “Isn’t that pretty? Wet little thing.”

Charles thinks he might be okay with sinking into the floor and never looking Max in the eyes ever again. He can’t stop fucking peeing, either, and soon enough the fabric of his boxers and fireproofs becomes so soaked that it drags over the head of his oversensitive cock with every tiny move he makes, making him twitch and whine and clench his hands into fists. It’s so much. It’s too much. He’s kneeling in his own mess; his piss pools at his ass and soaks up into the hem of his fireproof shirt, that dripping wet warmth setting his nerves on fire.

At last, the flow tapers off, and Charles’ cock rapidly hardens in wake of the overwhelming relief. He lets Max fuck into his mouth, dragging his hot tongue up the sensitive underside of it and trying in vain to smile around it when he hears Max groan. Charles gets a hand between his thighs again, rubbing absently at his cock through his clothes and moaning at how fucking sensitive he is; the drag of his soaked clothes against his flushed, twitching cock is downright heavenly.

“Fuck, come on,” Max groans before using his hold on Charles’ hair to pull his mouth off his cock. Max finishes the job himself, stroking himself to completion and coming all over Charles’ face. His cockhead spurts hot and thick over Charles’ lips and cheeks and some of it pools on Charles’ beautifully pink tongue. He catches it all like a good little slut, gazing up at Max and silently pleading to swallow his prize.

Despite recovering from his orgasm, Max would never give up a sight like this; he nods, running gentle fingers through Charles’ ruffled hair as he watches him swallow down the come that isn’t streaked across his flushed cheeks. Pearls of Max’s come even catch in Charles’ wet, clumpy eyelashes, mixing delightfully with his unshed tears. “Oh, baby, you’re so good,” Max praises easily, the words flowing off his tongue. “Come on, get up. Get your back to me.”

Charles chokes out a pathetic little sob, feeling ruined. He wipes his mouth with his sleeve, wincing at the large drooly wet spot he’d made, just like he’s a common whore. He’d be nothing if he wasn’t exceedingly obedient, so he struggles to his feet, whining at the friction against his sensitive, untouched cock, before turning around and facing away from Max. Charles isn’t sure what to expect at this stage, but he knows whatever it is will have him wrecked beyond belief.

Max presses up against Charles’ back, feeling how wet his lower half is. He reaches around to unzip Charles’ race suit, urging him to work it down to his waist. “So hard,” he observes, voice a low murmur right in Charles’ ear, his breath warm against the shell of it, once he gets a hand between Charles’ thighs, fingers grazing against Charles’ soaked boxers. “You like embarrassing yourself a little?”

What a horrible thing to ask, Charles thinks, squeezing his eyes shut in shame and feeling his face flush a pretty pink. No—but yes—but no, but only if it’s Max. Unable to form words, Charles settles for a shake of his head. No. He doesn’t like it. In fact, he’d rather die than have anyone else know about it. Impatiently, he shifts his hips into Max’s touch, desperate for something, anything.

“You wouldn’t be hard if you didn’t,” Max goes on, and this time his hand does dip into Charles’ boxers, wrapping around Charles’ cock. Charles keens, hips instinctively twitching forward for more, and a hot shiver races up his spine when Max gives it to him, fast and rough and all at once.

“Okay,” Charles cries, his voice coming out shaky and wrecked, “I—I do. I like it.” He nearly wants to cry. He lets his head fall back against Max’s shoulder, his legs threatening to give out. He’s never needed to come this badly in his life.

Max brings his free hand up from where it was holding Charles’ chest to wrap delicately around his exposed throat. Charles moans again, his cock twitching in Max’s hand, and that’s all the encouragement Max needs to squeeze, fingertips digging into the soft, vulnerable skin of Charles’ neck, sure to leave bruises for the next day. “I thought so,” Max goes on, dragging his thumb roughly over the tip of Charles’ cock and making him cry out, all broken and strangled. “It was the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”

Charles’ hazy mind takes a few long moments to process Max’s words, but the praise rips through him in an instant and he’s coming pathetically all in his clothes and over Max’s fingers. Max strokes him roughly through his orgasm, and his hand on Charles’ throat doesn’t let up until Charles squirms away, whining out a pained, overstimulated “ah, ah, ah” that nearly has Max’s cock twitching again. Charles forces himself free and collapses against Max’s side, exhausted and wrecked and soaked, his mind so clouded he can’t even form words.

Finally, everything stops. Max holds Charles close as his chest heaves, coming down from his high. He wipes his hands on a dry section of Charles’ race suit before leaning in to kiss at his face, his lips grazing the tender spot on the side of Charles’ jaw.

“You’re such a—a prick,” Charles finally groans, but Max can spot the smile playing across his face.

Max shrugs, pulling back to take a good look at Charles’ flushed, pretty face. “Maybe. But you liked every bit of it.”

Charles aims a weak punch at Max’s shoulder, movements sluggish and tired, and Max ducks away, laughing.

“Hey,” Max goes on, “we still have press conferences to do.”

“Fuck,” Charles sighs, and at last he becomes blissfully aware of how his bladder feels now that it’s been emptied. “Yeah. I need a change of clothes.”

Max gets one hand around Charles’ waist and guides him out of the corridor, shielding him from any prying eyes. His eyes are bright when he teases, “Or you could go out there and show everyone.”

Charles looks at him as if he’s just been shot. “No,” he says quickly. He flushes the prettiest shade of pink and he glances down at the floor before mumbling, “You’re the only person that gets to see.”

Max brings his arm up to wrap around Charles’ shoulders instead. “I definitely like the sound of that,” he says as they walk down the hallway, back towards Charles’ driver’s room. “So what you’re saying is there’s a next time, huh?”

“Shut up,” groans Charles, playfully swatting at Max. “I didn’t say that.”

Despite his words, Charles’ cock involuntarily twitches in his soaked clothes. There’ll certainly be a next time.

[devotioncrater]

ed/stede + edizzy + edward's bipolar

oh man the first three episodes of season 2 are. wow. okay. much to unpack. more fuel for my Edward Has Bipolar Theory.

DISCLAIMER: i am not a clinician, nor do i hold any degree in the psychology field. this meta is purely drawn from my own experience with diagnosed bipolar i, alongside what i've learnt in years of therapy as well as reading bipolar books/articles and peer-reviewed research papers. above all, this meta is for fun; please do not use this as a self-diagnostic.

this meta is broken up into sections:

the intro section

the bipolar section

the codependency section

the season 2 speculation section

The Intro Section

right away, the admittance of edward hating himself & feeling unloveable recontextualizes everything. his dynamic with stede & the crew, his dynamic with his own crew, his dynamic with izzy.

because like. hi hello?? when izzy says "you know me better than anyone else, and i daresay the same is true for me to you" it's just. a nail in the coffin. one of many nails. here's why.

it took an insane amount of vulnerability for edward to open himself up to stede in season 1. it took a lot out of him to even accept stede's love, and then believe it to be real. he believed that just for one moment in his scarred life, he was someone worth loving, baggage and all. as he himself was. for who he was. stede saw him and loved him and accepted him. if edward had been there to hear when lucius said to stede that the time edward spent with stede was the best it'll ever be for him, edward probably would've agreed.

which is. oh man. it would be a bit of a thin ice situation, wouldn't it? that's fucking bleak.

before we get into that, we need to dissect the dysfunction in the edizzy dynamic. i mean it's all tragic, all toxicated, especially with the downward spiral edward's on. so why examine it? what is there to examine?

the downward spiral began in season 1, became abated by stede & the crew, only to jumpstart at the end thanks in part to izzy. so we need to examine why, because edizzy's dysfunction plays a role in all of this mess.

it's undeniable izzy triggered edward, yes, but look a little further. edward's irritability, his emptiness, his substance abuse, the sudden shift in gears between his erratic moods. the crew walk on eggshells around him, because his behavior in season 2 so far is reckless, dangerous, and suicidal. there's pressurized speech patterns and racing thoughts present and they intermingle alongside low-energetic periods when he isolates. above all, he feels hopeless. overwhelmed by a sea of loneliness. fang starts the season off being unable to recognize him.

on the flipside, in season 1, he's on the tail-end of a low when we meet him. listless, bored, passively suicidal before he swings the other way. with stede & the crew he's up in the clouds. he's affable, he's happy, he's social. there's hope for change. he tries new things, laughs, even falls in love. he imagines a life for himself outside of piracy. there's impulsive actions such as the act of grace and impulsive thoughts like sailing to china. even when stede leaves him, edward grieves at a healthy-looking level. in episode 5, when edward's mood first shifts, fang doesn't recognize him in the elevated state.

the point is, edward feels things in the extreme. he lacks emotional regulation. "uncharacteristic" high highs and low lows.

how he reacted to izzy's trigger — "this is blackbeard" — is disproportionate until you piece together two puzzle pieces:

edward likely has bipolar + his core beliefs (self-loathing/feeling unloveable) throw oxygen into the flame of his relationships.

The Bipolar Section

to get on the same page here, let me provide a few Basic Oversimplified Definitions (here is a pdf of the DSM-5 for a scientific understanding, scroll to page 168. please do not use this PDF or meta as a self-diagnostic. contact a clinician/psychiatrist if you have questions or feel you need an evaluation):

bipolar disorder: a chronic, lifelong mood disorder characterized by manic highs and depressive lows. fluctuations in moods are extreme and, depending on subtype, can inhibit functionality. it can be managed today with medication and psychotherapy.

manic episode: lasting one week or more, this is the high highs. the mood is elevated or irritable. if severe, it can include psychosis/psychotic features such as hallucinations, paranoia, and/or delusions. mania belongs to subtype Bipolar I.

hypomanic episode: lasting at minimum four days straight, this is a lesser high than manic. it does not include psychosis/psychotic features, nor does it inhibit functionality. hypomania belongs to subtypes Bipolar I and Bipolar II.

depressive episode: lasting two weeks or more, this is the low lows. anhedonia and major depression are hallmarks of a depressive episode. depression belongs to all three subtypes of bipolar (the third subtype being cyclothymia).

mixed episode: best of both worlds. a person experiencing one may possess high levels of energy — such as pressurized speech — while simultaneously feeling overwhelmingly low and suicidal. a mood may flip from elated to hopeless on a dime.

euthymia: a mood state that is stable, without (hypo)mania or depression. it is a neutral baseline which occurs between episodes.

IMPORTANT NOTE: bipolar disorder is more complex than "just a mood swing". mood swings are situational, while bipolar presents even without situational factors. think about how, in season 2, edward has got his hair in a messy updo, cleans his cabin, swears off drinking & drugs, and is smiling. he explains to frenchie that he's decided to change after a rough night. then it cuts to a flashback of him the night before lying on the floor bawling his eyes out. the scene is played for laughs, however that is a textbook bipolar mood fluctuation. you go to bed hopeless and you wake up on top of the world, or vice versa. edward's situation hadn't changed in the hours between him crying and his conversation with frenchie.

(it can be argued that he thought izzy had died, but i don't think he believed frenchie had truly finished the job. why else had he grilled frenchie? he was sweating frenchie out, testing frenchie's loyalty. "you don't think i know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" edward knew izzy was alive the entire time).

like with almost every disorder, bipolar disorder presents itself differently in different people. in my experience, when i am in either a depressive or manic episode, two different outlooks may occur:

it becomes hard to remember what life was like on the other emotional end. (i.e. when manic, i tend to downplay my prior depressive episode).

i become hyperaware of the other emotional end, so i try to either get it to happen or prevent it from happening. (i.e. not wanting to become depressed, so i'll do XYZ).

i mention these outlooks because they're common. when you're in it, you're in it; when you're out, you're out. the first outlook is something edward's actions point to him experiencing, too, as evidenced in season 2 with his extreme suicidal behavior. he's in it in it.

the ups and downs in bipolar are difficult for the person struggling with the disorder. often, it feels uncontrollable. the symptoms — especially the ones which risk becoming severe like hopelessness or distractibility — are a challenge to cope with. during the high highs, your brain feels like it's frying. during the low lows, your brain feels like dense fog. therefore it's common for people to turn to substances to help alleviate what they're experiencing, and/or they partake on an impulsive whim. drastic life changes also may occur in an attempt to "fix" or "control" the disorder. severe episodes, when left untreated, may ruin or end people's lives. people with bipolar disorder are 15x more likely to commit suicide than the general population.

people who do not have bipolar themselves yet are close to someone with bipolar may also experience related difficulty. it may feel overwhelming to witness episodes occur with little to no understanding or tools on how to help. it may also feel stressful to try and gauge what state the other person is in. "walking on eggshells" is a common descriptor for the experience when the bipolar is unmanaged. that does not mean the person with bipolar disorder is automatically bad/abusive/harmful, it just means the disorder is a disorder. it interferes with daily functioning, causes distress, and impacts interpersonal relationships.

at the end of season 1, izzy hit edward where it hurts (edward's self-loathing, intertwined with the role of blackbeard) while edward was in what i believe to be a euthymic state (calm). now with their recontextualized relationship, we also see the underlying message of: "i serve blackbeard, he is my captain." -> "edward isn't good enough for my love".

izzy loves edward, but he's made it clear in season 1 it was for edward's blackbeard persona. or was it? you see, i don't believe that claim to be entirely true anymore, not after the first three episodes of season 2.

i believe a more accurate reading would be that in season 1, izzy was concerned, jealous, and vindictive. all in that order. the above underlying message weaponizes edward's separation of Edward and Blackbeard against edward. more on this later.

in season 2, izzy is just plain concerned ("we're worried for you"). he tries a different approach at managing edward's unstable mood. he goes for a softer attempt ("i have...love for you") because maybe, maybe it could work. it worked with stede. when it backfires, he ditches it and goes right back to bluntness ("the atmosphere's fucked!"). he also refuses to kill edward despite everything edward's put him through.

both seasons' motives were not for blackbeard, but for edward.

when we meet them in season 1, their relationship is dysfunctional at best. their baseline dynamic before stede is best depicted during episode 4.

in the model ship scene, edward's excited about stede's stuff, restlessly moving, unable to focus, appearing happy even though he's a hair-trigger away from irritability. he purposefully avoids or dismisses izzy's concerns about dying. he feels bored and trapped ("is this all there is?"), then feels frustration over feeling trapped, citing that he's blackbeard and blackbeard shouldn't feel trapped.

later in the episode, izzy frustratingly points out that edward's moods are "increasingly erratic" and something that izzy himself has had to manage. izzy also states that he's followed edward's every whim for years, and smoothed over their crew for him. edward, again dismissive, says "sounds stressful, izzy". izzy says it is but he felt honored to do it all for blackbeard, who is the greatest sailor he's ever known. this ties into their codependency, which i'll go over later on.

at this point in time, "edward" and "blackbeard" are synonymous, the names are just different titles reserved for different settings. edward himself doesn't see a distinction until stede — a person he respects — consistently treats him like Edward and not like Blackbeard. edward's identity to Blackbeard separates because he opens himself up to the possibility that Edward is someone worth knowing. Blackbeard, once a healthy coping mechanism created to survive in the pirating world, had soured somewhere along the way into an unhealthy coping mechanism. it became more of a cage than a home.

but to izzy, "blackbeard" is a good thing to be because it's an accomplishment of edward's. they built their whole careers and lives around it. when izzy says he's honored to sail with blackbeard, the greatest sailor out there, he says it to try and bring edward back to himself. it's his botched attempt at grounding/helping edward. if edward can be reminded of how great he is, reinforced by his accomplishments under the name blackbeard, maybe he'll snap out of his funk. if edward values izzy, loves izzy how izzy thinks edward does, he'd see the weight behind the compliment. izzy doesn't sail for just anybody.

it's botched entirely because any time edward tries to voice how "blackbeard" really makes him feel, izzy dismisses/minimizes/mocks it. he isn't supportive to edward because he feels threatened in two parts: that edward finds stede fascinating, and that edward is making a drastic life change for both of them based on yet another mood whim.

to izzy, edward becoming Edward and ditching Blackbeard would mean izzy's lost control of the situation, which means izzy's lost control of edward, which means no one will have control of edward. not even edward himself. this is yet another facet of izzy's codependency.

side note: speaking of names, in the calico jack episode, we know "ed" is a nickname edward doesn't allow people to call him. the only two people who call him "ed" are stede and izzy.

so that begs the question: why did izzy call edward "eddy" in season 2? where the hell does that nickname come from? why does edward use it on himself when he was struggling in purgatory?

based on these two conversations in episode 4, we can glean both sides of the situation. on one side is edward, who is struggling mentally and whose work is deteriorating because of it. on the other side is izzy, who is equal parts concerned about edward and frustrated at him because he isn't functioning as well as he used to, leaving izzy to clean up his messes. since this has been a years-long tension point, they are both at the end of their ropes. about to snap.

that is how we meet them.

from then on, edward begins falling for stede, and his mood shifts. he begins functioning better. stede is genuinely good for him. stede, with his different view on life, provides emotional balance and radical acceptance and a general softness that edward's been missing. he is supportive, he is kind, and he treats edward like edward isn't broken.

but stede is not accustomed to pirate life or its reality. he's naive to the point of foolish. foolish to the point of fatality. and izzy sees those flaw points right away. it's a red flag to him because how can edward — passively suicidal edward — be trusted to not take advantage of stede's naivety and steer them all into a doomed situation?

edward's relationship with stede is also where izzy's jealousy kicks into gear, clouds his judgement.

i mean, shit, wouldn't anyone feel slighted? if you devote your life to a man, stick with him through thick & thin, feel responsible for both of your lives, go above and beyond, worry over his wellbeing, put him before yourself....just for him to run off with a wannabe pirate.

a wannabe pirate who has only known your man for a fraction of the time you and your man have been together. his weeks compared to your years. yet somehow he gets your man's good side, gets the love you desperately want.

of course izzy's seething. wouldn't anyone?

it makes sense for izzy to sell edward and stede out to the british navy. he's spiteful, vindictive. bet there's a bit of hurt pride to it, too. it's fucked! it's a terrible thing to do!

his motive here boils down to, once again, keeping edward alive. cleaning up what he perceives to be another mess. sell stede out, keep edward where he can see him. izzy hates spanish jackie's, he hates the navy, he doesn't enjoy any of it. this is his hail mary, his last ditch effort.

of course it backfires. royally. no one expected edward to call for an act of grace. to sign away his life. izzy tries to stop him, but edward goes where stede goes. and soon after that, edward returns without stede.

and soon after that, the situation deteriorates. edward's launched into a severe mixed episode, triggered by the compounded stress of stede leaving and izzy's rejection of Edward. pressurized speech, emptiness, irritability, suicidal behavior, increased goal-directed activity...he ping-pongs between mania and severe depression. this is more than a break-up.

edward struggles with emotional impermanence. when stede's right in front of him, kissing him, edward feels secure that stede loves him. but when stede doesn't meet him at the dock? Stede Never Loved Me.

another example: izzy. when izzy obeys edward's orders, edward feels secure that izzy loves him. but when izzy speaks up or disagrees? Izzy Never Loved Me.

"he was your friend," jim tells edward, in reference to edward's awful treatment of izzy. but edward, at this intersection of a severe mixed episode + emotional impermanence, can't see that.

he burns his bridges left and right. destroys everything because he's lashing out in pain and he doesn't think he deserves anything good. Blackbeard? sure, he'll be Blackbeard. Blackbeard is all he'll ever be anyways. a killer, a pirate, a crazy captain who does too much rhino horn.

edward hates himself so fiercely that he only finds relief during the storm, right before he believes he's going to die. "finally."

The Codependency Section

edward's relationship with izzy was always going to end in destruction.

they both love each other, we have canon confirmation of this. "i have...love for you" and "i loved you best i could".

edward's confession is critical here, because he did love izzy as best as he could. there exist moments between them that shine light into possible happier times. the way edward talks to izzy to placate him in season 1 when izzy packs a dinghy, even if manipulative at the time, requires intimate knowledge on what izzy would be receptive to. david jenkins mentioned that it was izzy who helped doll edward up for the season 1 ball, an offscreen act of intimacy. edward tries unsuccessfully to connect with izzy over stede's model ship and the clouds. the casual way edward says "i had a dream about you last night."

"best i could." if edward hated himself less, he could have loved izzy more. if he believed he was deserving of love, he could have accepted the fact izzy loves him.

so they both love each other, but love is not enough to combat self-hate. it just isn't. the only opponent to self-hate is self-compassion.

self-compassion is a process you have to choose for yourself. you must work on it yourself, hopefully with the aid of an external support system. self-compassion is separate from self-love and other forms of love because, oftentimes, people who operate under the core belief of Being Unloveable also operate under an assumption that love is conditional. "i'm not enough" / "i'll never be enough" / "i don't deserve love" / "i'm too much". it's unrealistic for someone to jump headfirst into healing when that healing is programmed with restrictions. we are our own worst critic. so to practice self-compassion is to soothe that inner, hater critic until we heal ourselves enough to get to a place where we can practice unconditional love on the neglected self.

the conditional love aspect is one that is modeled. edward grew up in an abusive household. abusers hold their victims out on a string of conditions. furthermore, his mother rejected his interest in fine things by saying that it's not "for people like us". it makes sense for edward to internalize an "i'm not [rich/nice/good/etc] enough" message, thereby shutting himself out.

he continues to shut himself out in the aftermath of killing his alcoholic father. he doesn't tell anyone about the traumatic event — an oscillation into "i'm too much" — until he opens up to stede.

so here you have an unloveable boy, the victim of domestic violence and the killer of his own father, going into the chaotic world of pirating. a world — put so eloquently by calico jack in season 1 — where everyone fucks each other over. where trust is a prized, rare currency.

and somewhere along the way, he and izzy find each other. and they stick together for years.

both edward and izzy bottle their emotions up and then blow up on each other. it's so completely different to how stede & the revenge crew operate. it's years of miscommunication and mutual resentment between them, caused in part due to their pirate enviornment. their pattern is hot and cold. reactive.

izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and resigns -> edward convinces izzy to stay -> edward begins falling for stede -> izzy and stede fight over edward's heart -> izzy gets exiled for losing, edward says nothing -> izzy goes vindictive mode and sells edward/stede out to the navy -> edward hates izzy's guts -> edward comes back without stede, depressed -> izzy smooths over things with the crew -> edward is dismissive of izzy -> izzy blows up on edward and triggers him -> edward convinces izzy to stay through violence

it's that one friend who keeps returning to their shitty partner — on again/off again —, only here they both are the shitty partner.

the thing about unhealthy relationships is that they provide a layer of comfort. it's known territory. which is why, when an unhealthy relationship morphs into a codependent one, it is incredibly difficult to break out of them.

codependency definition: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

like conditional love, codependency is learned/modeled inside of a dysfunctional family setting.

it works a bit like an ouroboros in that it's an infinite loop. the codependent partner compulsively takes care of their struggling partner in the hopes they get better. this role of "caretaker" makes them feel needed/wanted, ergo filling their own low self-esteem void. however, all the rescuing does is enable the struggling partner further into self-destruction.

sound familiar?

izzy is edward's caretaker. izzy is codependent.

important note: no one feels good inside of a codependent relationship. there may be positive periods, yes, but codependency is primarily stressful for both parties involved.

in order to blossom, codependency relies on low self-esteem.

we know edward oscillates with his self-esteem, but we don't talk about how low izzy's self-esteem is.

izzy doesn't have an identity outside of edward, with the exception of being one of the best swordsmen in the pirating world. of course, this exception is taken from him when edward cuts his toes off.

izzy is high-strung with a compulsive need for control. things must be done when he orders them to, to the high standards he creates. do not question his authority. this compulsion is exasperated by edward's uncontrollable mood shifts.

izzy rolls with the punches, metaphorically and literally. he shuts down attempts at comfort, evidenced by his knee jerk reaction when fang hugs him in season 2. "i'm fine. unhand me. unhand me!" he doesn't allow himself to fully break down and cry. the tears only appear in this scene, and when edward attempts to get izzy to kill him.

loyal to a fault, izzy threatens to leave, goes to leave, but never leaves. he gets casted out, so he devises a plan to return instead of, i don't know, creating a new life for himself. even when edward maims him, he stays.

so is this loyalty? or is this a belief that this is what he deserves? or maybe it's loyalty born from the belief that this is all he's deserving of.

a hit dog will holler, and boy does izzy holler when questioned. about his role, about himself, about who he is to edward.

so who is izzy without edward?

"you know me better than anyone else and i daresay the same applies with me to you." is an insane thing to say because izzy does know edward, but only the version of edward he stitched his skin to. the unstable, erratic version that needs help, and who he subconsciously sabotages with enablement.

and edward does know izzy better than anyone else because izzy's consumed by him.

if edward could not accept izzy's love in a direct form, then the roles izzy inhabits are his only outlet. Caretaker, Punching Bag, First Mate. 50 ways to say I Love You and none of them are healthy.

they both are violent with each other, drag each other down, but can't quit even when they know that they function better separated. codependency is an addiction, and like an addiction, the only way for this to end was in rockbottom or death.

The S2 Speculation Section

going back to the very top, here's why i say this thing with ed/stede is on thin ice right now: without edward working on his self-compassion, their relationship runs the risk of devolving into yet another unhealthy dynamic.

stede has decent self-esteem, an identity outside of edward, so i don't think they'll ever become codependent. stede also doesn't try to fix or enable edward. again, stede is genuinely good for edward.

i think the Mer!Stede scene was amazing, vital in balancing the heavy topic of suicide/death with the overarching comedy genre of the show. love saves lives, without love the world is bleak. who are we as humans without connection?

that being said, i personally want to see edward heal before jumping into a full-blown romantic/sexual relationship with stede. he deserves to choose himself, nurture Edward, and figure out how to manage his moods. especially since his last relationship with izzy was so tumultuous.

speaking of izzy, i also want to see izzy find himself and heal, too. he needs to learn how to let go. i'm hoping he'll build up his self-esteem in his own way, doing something he's good at (maybe as a sword-fighting instructor?).

either way, i trust the direction this show will go in. they've done well so far in their depictions of mental health and the impact of mental health. it'll be interesting to see the rest unfold.

[calliemity]

Orin and His Nitrous: A Mini-Analysis

Written by Calliope Avery

Hii :] As a precursor to my off-Broadway Orin analysis (which is very close to entering the editing phase), I wanna talk about Orin Scrivello's nitrous oxide use! Specifically, I wanna go through the different elements of it and discuss which parts are accurate, which parts are exaggerations, and which parts are just... not true. Hope you find it interesting!

Let's quickly define what nitrous oxide is. Nitrous oxide, also known as laughing gas, dinitrogen monoxide, and whippets (recreationally), is a type of colorless gas that has a slightly sweet smell. It's used to reduce anxiety, provide a mild sedation effect, and dull some of the pain during medical procedures, commonly used by dentists. It takes effect very quickly and fades after about 5-10 minutes, and it's incredibly safe! When on nitrous, you'll feel calmer and more euphoric, and you might also feel very heavy, like you're sinking into your chair. Nitrous oxide, when given to a patient, is always mixed and balanced out with oxygen, and the nitrous will be slowly increased until the patient gets a desired level of relaxation. A minimum of 30% oxygen will be used along with nitrous, but not many people will need it at its highest available dosage. As a drug, it's classified as an inhalant and depressant. While it is a very safe substance for the most part, there are risks when using it recreationally, and long-term abuse has side effects that include a vitamin B12 deficiency and hand tremors. I'll cap my infodump here, but if you'd like to read more, here's the Cleveland Clinic page on nitrous oxide, and here's a more extensive report by Decisions in Dentistry!

Disclaimer: I will be discussing recreational nitrous oxide use, both in ways that people use it, why people use it, the high it provides, and side effects/risks involved. This is all for educational purposes, I'm not suggesting or encouraging anyone to use nitrous oxide recreationally. Be safe and responsible!

Method of Use/How Orin Uses It

In the stage musical version, Orin is usually given an inhaler prop as his main source of whippeting, which he inhales through his mouth. In the 1986 movie, it looks as if Orin has a small canister of the gas (called a "charger", they're used to refill whipped cream cans), which he shoots directly into his nose. In terms of accuracy, both would be considered the least realistic aspect of his usage. The former, the nitrous oxide inhaler, is not something that actually exists, at least in my research. You can't really put a charger into an asthma inhaler and expect that to work. Hypothetically, it would probably be safer than the method he uses in the movie. Nitrous oxide, when stored in chargers, is extremely pressurized and extremely cold, it's usually down to -40°F/°C. So not only is that gas shooting out like a bullet, it's also cold as hell! Movie Orin is either getting frostbite or a nosebleed, or both.

Once we get to his "special gas mask", we find some more inaccuracies. First of all, getting the obvious out of the way: nitrous masks don't look like that. In the musical it's often depicted similarly to a spacesuit, with a fullhead transparent helmet, while in the movie it only covers his mouth and nose. The latter is more accurate, but y'know. In real life nothing is being strapped around your torso. Another inaccuracy is the fact that the special gas mask only supplies nitrous, and no oxygen. As established in my description of the gas, when given to a patient it's always mixed with oxygen, with 30% oxygen being included at the very least. Obviously if his mask had been supplying oxygen then the plot (seemingly) wouldn't work, so I'm not trying to Cinema Sins LSOH right now. I just think it's interesting (and also insane) that this guy was probably breathing in 100% laughing gas. As someone who's very sensitive to its effects, I would instantly die!

Laughing Gas Effects/Orin's Reactions and Why He Uses It

This part is very neat to me, since I wouldn't describe his reactions to nitrous as wrong, but it's definitely heightened. As we see in both the stage show and movie versions, as soon as Orin inhales his giggle gas, he bursts out into hearty, borderline maniacal laughter. However, as seen in all instances that aren't the special gas mask, the laughter quickly wears off and he returns to his normal self. This is very much a heightened and exaggerated version of what laughing gas really does. While it won't affect you instantly, you'll feel its kick in as little as a minute. And while you won't burst into uncontrollable laughter, you'll feel your sense of pleasure and euphoria increase. And, if not given a constant stream of nitrous, the effects will wear off relatively quickly. Orin's reactions play out much more quickly and more exaggerated than it does in real life, but it definitely mirrors it!

Now, why does Orin use nitrous? To answer this, I'll steer us back to a main effect that laughing gas has in its safe doses: elevated euphoria. Nitrous oxide just genuinely feels good when you're on it. Furthermore, laughing gas gives a particularly unique type of high, one that's partially caused by a mild restriction of oxygen to the brain. The result is a floaty, hazy high that enhances pleasure. Outside of him using it for the punchline of "dentist using his own supply", he's definitely using it because it feels nice.

There is another actually confirmed reason why he's using it, one that he blatantly says out loud. I'm gonna get a little educationally NSFW for a moment, so skip this paragraph if that would make you uncomfortable. Among those who use whippets recreationally, a common use is to enhance sexual pleasure. Because of its euphoria-enhancing effects, it can act like a mild aphrodisiac, making you more aroused if that's something you were already feeling. Furthermore, taking a hit of nitrous before you orgasm will heighten the sensation of it. And, as Orin blatantly tells Seymour (and the audience) in both versions: "I find that a little giggle gas before we begin increases my pleasure enormously!" So we can easily assume his whippet usage is mostly for the enhancement of the sexual pleasure he gets from inflicting dental torture. This would mean that this is actually the most accurate aspect of Orin's nitrous use, since enhanced sexual pleasure is an effect it can have, and it's often used recreationally for that exact purpose. I have mixed feelings about this.

Side Effects and Fatality/Could Orin Really Die From It?

When used in a controlled setting and provided by a medical professional, most of the risks that nitrous oxide has aren't something to be worried about. However, recreational use (espesically long-term) can have some serious risks and side effects. One of the main side effects of long-term recreational nitrous abuse is a vitamin B12 deficiency, as it causes your body to have trouble absorbing it. While this deficiency develops its symptoms slowly (and sometimes don't present at all) it does cause numerous issues, both physiological, neurological, and psychological. Anemia, fatigue, nausea and low appetite, numbness/tingling and shaking in your hands, difficulties with motor skills and talking, depression and irritability, and memory issues are some main symptoms that can be experienced. Nitrous abuse isn't the only way this deficiency can happen, it's more commonly experienced when you aren't eating enough food with the vitamin or if you have a condition that makes it more difficult for your body to absorb it. Aside from the vitamin B12 issues, nitrous oxide also restricts oxygen flow to the brain, and repeated instances of this can cause cerebral hypoxia (severe restriction of oxygen to the brain.) Cerebral hypoxia can cause cognitive issues, such as issues with memory and decision making, confusion, low attention span, and difficulties with motor skills. In it's most severe cases, cerebral hypoxia can cause seizures, a coma, and death.

Inappropriate tone-shift aside, let's discuss how all this relates to Orin! Obviously we see his repeated laughing gas abuse, which we can only assume has been happening for years, so we know he's vulnerable to these side effects. Despite this, he doesn't seem to exhibit... any of these, to be honest. I can't say anything about the majority of the physical symptoms; I have no idea what his red blood cell count is, which is truly a tragedy. But he doesn't seem fatigued, he doesn't exhibit problems with speaking or moving, his memory seems fine. The only thing I can unsurely say matches up is his irritability/aggression, which in the show is only demonstrated with his abuse toward Audrey. A second example is given in the movie with how he acts toward Arthur Denton. However, I am... extremely hesitant to attribute this behavior of his to a symptom of drug abuse. I don't really like the idea of Orin's harmful and abusive treatment of people is entirely because of a drug. The author intent is clearly for Orin to be a cruel, abusive person through and through, and I think it's obvious that Orin would be like this even if he had never touched any substance. Furthermore, there's a clear pattern regarding his aggression; it's always directed toward an intimate partner of some kind. He's dating Audrey, and the Denton scene is very obviously coded as a sexual encounter, not unlike a hookup. Compare this to how he treats other people: in the show, he has interactions with the chorus girls and Seymour, and in both instances he actually treats them... fine? He's definitely an intense and suffocating person, but he isn't verbally insulting to either the girls or to Seymour, and his instances of physical threats are either absent in the case of the girls (they actually instigate the violence, to which Orin surrenders and doesn't fight back) or not motivated by anger in the case of Seymour. In the movie he does exhibit some anger-motivated aggression toward Seymour, but within the context we can see he's worked up from his anger toward Denton, and as the interaction with Seymour continues, he actually calms down. I've gotten a little off-course here, but my point is that nitrous oxide and a vitamin B12 deficiency doesn't make someone super aggressive toward only their intimate partners. At most, it's enhancing an already existing trait he has.

So... I've concluded that Orin doesn't really exhibit any side effects. They aren't always very obvious in real life and in some people the deficiency has no symptoms, so it's always possible he just got lucky. It's also possible that his diet is rich in foods that are good sources of vitamin B12, which counteracts the side effect enough to keep him unaffected. So his lack of symptoms isn't something that wouldn't make sense, and even if it was I don't think there would be an issue. However, one avenue remains unexplored... is Orin's nitrous-induced death accurate? The short answer... is yes.

Getting the obvious out of the way, it's clear he ends up dying from good ol' asphyxiation. The implication is that his special gas mask only supplies nitrous oxide and no oxygen, and the mask restricts his nose and mouth one way or another. He definitely lasts longer than he would in real life, but in this case his cause of death is the mask itself and not the gas. This would be the case in real life, the external asphyxiation will cause death before the nitrous can. However, if someone is being supplied a massively uneven ratio of nitrous to oxygen, something like a 90%/10% split for example, the gas itself would be fatal. Remember how repeated nitrous abuse can risk someone getting cerebral hypoxia? Yeah, that can cause death. If Orin's gas mask was also supplying some oxygen, it's more than possible that he would at least pass out from cerebral hypoxia, especially if he was left unaided like we see in the scene. When considered like this, and considering how he doesn't immediately start suffocating and dying when in the mask, it's actually more than possible to read the scene in this way; he technically is getting some oxygen, but he ends up going unconscious because the gas is restricting oxygen to his brain. Which would also mean it's more than possible that he didn't actually die until Seymour dismembered him, which is... very brutal. RIP bozo.

Conclusion

So considering I spend a chunk of this post detailing how laughing gas could possibly kill people, I would just like to clarify that nitrous oxide, when being supplied by a trained professional in a controlled environment, is 100% safe and incredibly effective. So when you're getting it at your dentist appointment or any other medical appointment, you're at risk for basically nothing I just described. You're being given a safe mix of oxygen and nitrous, at the dentist the mask only goes on your nose so your mouth is uncovered, and if you have any kind of bad reaction, its effects can be very quickly reversed. The risks of cerebral hypoxia and vitamin B12 deficiency are only for people who are using it recreationally, and especially for people who abuse it long-term. I just want to make it clear that nitrous oxide is a safe and effective sedative and it really does help with anxiety. I've had to have a lot of dental work done over the years, so I've been on the gas at least a dozen times, and I'm totally fine! So like, please don't be scared of it! I would feel horrible if that's the message someone got for this.

The last thing I'll leave you with is this: I wrote this entire thing mostly for fun. Little Shop of Horrors is set in a very heightened reality setting, so the technical realisms of nitrous oxide symptoms and abuse don't really matter. Even if absolutely nothing about the depiction was accurate, I still think the story and Orin's character would work fine. His heightened reactions act as shorthand to the audience on what he's inhaling, even if they only know nitrous oxide by the name "laughing gas", and it also acts as some nice foreshadowing to his death. Furthermore, his stupid dumb space helmet mask is also like, extremely funny. So even the aspects that are either exaggerated or flat-out inaccurate serve valid purposes. Honestly, I'm just pleasantly surprised that there's parts that are weirdly accurate to the drug and how it's used. Anyway, I hope you found the information interesting in some way, and thank you very much for reading!

Oh, and since you read the entire thing, I have little treat for you: Alan Menken telling the story of his parents' reaction to Orin's death (his father was a dentist and an advocate for nitrous oxide safety. Oops!)

Original Video

Sources:

Cleveland Clinic (Nitrous Oxide) - Cleveland Clinic (Vitamin B12 Deficiency) - Cleveland Clinic (Cerebral Hypoxia) - Decisions in Dentistry - Oxford Treatment Center - National Library of Medicine - Them.us (Additional information about what it's like to be on nitrous oxide is sourced from my own personal experiences.)

[shoujoboy-restart]

By Mary Harrington, May 6 2024.

[...] Canadian Right-wing firebrand Lauren Southern, whose early video content regularly challenged liberal feminist orthodoxy, and promoted domesticity. Our stories are symmetrical in some respects: both of us embraced radical politics in our early twenties, me on the Left and Southern on the Right. Both of us embraced ideologies that felt inspiring in the free-floating world of the internet. And both of us, albeit in different ways, have course-corrected back toward reality in part via the fiercely practical experience of caring for a child.

Southern has attracted vitriolic criticism from the Right, for speaking openly about how “tradlife” went wrong for her. She, however, sees speaking out not as betrayal of her own “side”, but as continuous with her earlier willingness to challenge progressive consensus on topics such as immigration. “I’m not worried about saying the things I’m saying right now, that are getting me so attacked online. Because I’ve dealt with this, with South Africa. I’ve dealt with this with mass immigration, I’ve dealt with this with my critiques of feminism. And every single one turned out: oh, maybe she was onto something.”("sure I was wrong about trad life, but my racism is still right you will see")

For, she tells me, she’s not alone. She tells me she knows many other women still suffering in unhappy “tradlife” marriages. One of her WhatsApp groups, she says, “is like the Underground Railroad for women in the conservative movement”. Some of these are prominent media figures: “There are a lot of influencers who are not in good relationships, who are still portraying happy marriage publicly, and bashing people for not being married while being in horrendous relationships.” She hopes that in speaking out she can reassure “all of these women who are thinking in their heads: I’m uniquely terrible, and I’m uniquely making a mistake” that no: something is more generally amiss.

There were warning signs from early on. “If I ever disagreed with him in any capacity he’d just disappear, for days at a time. I remember there were nights where he’d call me worthless and pathetic, then get in this car and leave.” But she didn’t see them, thanks to the simplified anti-feminist ideology she’d absorbed and promoted: “I had this delusional view of relationships: that only women could be the ones that make or break them, and men can do no wrong.” So she didn’t spot the red flags, even as they grew more extreme. “He’d lock me out of the house. I remember having to knock on the neighbour’s door on rainy nights, because he’d get upset and drive off without unlocking the house. It was very strange, to go from being this public figure on stage with people clapping, to the girl crying, knocking on someone’s door with no home to get into, being abandoned with a baby.”

But as she tells it, the nightmare began in earnest when he was offered a work opportunity in his home country of Australia, a few weeks after the birth of their baby. She did not want to leave her support networks behind. But he used the political and religious importance she placed on lifelong marriage as a lever to force her to agree: “Whenever I wouldn’t do something, he would say: I’m going to divorce you.” So, feeling she had no other option, she assented.

He also insisted she should publicly quit work. His work required a high level of government security clearance; she was a Right-wing provocateur who had faced deplatforming, state investigations, and was even banned from entering the UK. In their early, giddy romance this had felt manageable. But “when we moved back to Australia, he really wanted to get back into his old work”. And Southern was a “hardcore liability”, so the pressure was on: “It was like: Lauren, you gotta hire lawyers. You’ve got to disavow everything. You’ve got to never talk publicly again.”

So, in 2019, she announced that she was leaving media and activism altogether. As Southern tells it, she was trying sincerely to put into practice the ideology she’d promoted in her videos. “I believed I had a certain role in my relationship,” she told me. “And it was to be the more submissive one that supports my husband’s dreams.”("if I don't give up of my constitutional rights, which I keep claiming the left.wanta to take away, my husband will be so sad tho" like damn ma' you

“I was told daily that I was worthless, pathetic. Deadweight.”

Then, thousands of miles from friends and family, she reports becoming “the closest thing to a modern day, Western slave”. With no income of her own, she had to do everything: “The lawns, the house, the cooking, the baby care, his university homework. And I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have any support. There was no help changing diapers, there was no help waking up in the night with the baby. I’d still have to get up, to make breakfast before work. I’d be shaking and nervous, for fear I’m gonna get yelled at.” Then he’d berate her for spending all her time on tasks other than earning money: “I was told daily that I was worthless, pathetic. Deadweight. All you do is sit around and take care of the baby and do chores.” When Covid shut down all real-world public life, her situation became “hell on earth”. It was, she said, “the only time in my life where I idealised dying.”

“He was so much kinder, sweeter and more pursuant of me when I was this ‘boss babe’ travelling the world working. It seemed like becoming a mother made him lose respect for me. It was shocking to me, again, because the traditional view preached the opposite — that men love you more when you stop working and become a wife and mother.” In her experience, though, this was “very much not the case”.

Talk about imperfect victim, right?

Lauren should be criticized and reprimanded for her racism, bigotry and general alt-right fuckery. But obviously no one deserves to suffer domestic violence and abuse from their partners, I hope she fully wakes up and realises part of the reason she even got herself in a lifestyle that is a catalyst for abuse is because part of her mindset was the need for a "strong (white) man to care for her and protect her (from them immigrants)" she was also sold while fear mongering immigration.

Again, she should be criticized and reprimanded for her divisive ideology, not mocked for thinking she would be a exception to the actual reality of trad life.

I'm hoping she never has to experience this sort of abuse ever again in her life no matter what, hoping she also becomes a better person and leaves behind these regressive bigoted ideals of her too.

[f0point5]

I'm not gonna defend landos childish behaviour but I myself was competing high level in taekwondo for my whole life like I quit at 19 cos the injuries were getting too much but that kinda behaviour is seen at competitions all the time

Like when u have a lot of pressure placed on especially in sport to see that reaction is very common like I once cried cos I got a silver instead of gold like I was aiming for like alexandra trusovo in the Olympics

Obviously I was a teenager and he is a fully grown adult but that behaviour is very common in the world I grew up in and I feel like ppl who havnt ever been in that position shouldn't be making comments abt his behaviour js bc there isn't that much research as to y they react the way they do like its not on purpose its the only way they can express or like cope

But lando today needs some kind of psychological help bc his head isn't thinking right like hes put pressure and himself and when he doesn't get what he wants he throws a tantrum like its something that only therapy can sole not media training cos he will defo beat himself up abt it for yrs to come and the comments he made were unnecessary

I agree that the psychology of extremely high pressure environments is different and people who are in those environments have certain personality types and react differently to stress. Especially in f1 where their adrenaline levels are through the roof after competing.

But.

If part of your job is talking to media for millions to consume, then that is part of your job. You know that going in. Part of your strategies for managing the pressure have to include more than just on track. Because people will judge you for the things you say, especially when they don’t know you.

Lando had the opportunity to just say “I can’t talk about it right now” to the question about his friendship with Max which is his personal life. He didn’t have to answer that if he felt he wasn’t in the right mindset to give a response that he will stand behind later. Do a stroll if you have to - just shrug. He said what he said and the frustration and stress and pressure is all an explanation but none of those things were piloting his body entirely.

I don’t know Lando, I don’t know what his mental health is like beyond what he’s shared publicly. I hope he’s getting the support he needs to thrive and if he is and this is just who he is and how likes to conduct himself then that’s okay. It’s not for me personally but I’m not important. But for the sake of his professional image, I would hope Andrea or Sophie and someone is taking stock of the way he comes across.

[manicsweetheart707]

I totally get your issue with no friends at uni - I don’t have any either and I live on-campus. How do you cope? I’m having a super hard time. Tbh I don’t even have many online friends either.

Being in this situation is rather difficult, specially if you have any level of anxiety, your self sabotage will destroy you and make you feel like hell, but there's a lot more to it, you're totes not alone with that feeling, I wanna share with you first what my situation is like and then how I'm dealing with it, sorry if it's a little too rambly or if my english is too broken haha

♡⇣

𝐼𝓃 𝓂𝓎 𝑒𝓍𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒸𝑒, it has been a really difficult situation for me so I must imagine the pain you feel, specially since I'm on the verge of graduating (like literally I have like only three classes more to meet my graduating requirements) so I feel like I wasted my time during university

I've always been a rather lonely girl, it's always been hell trying to make friends; I reminisce a lot about how when I was in high school my family kept saying to me that it was gonna be easier to meet people and have friends since we'll have similar interests, but it was not the case due to the fact of two main reasons:

there was a pandemic, and I had a hard time approaching people via meet for some reason I find it more difficult to talk if it's through a mic?

I live in a rather small city, so there's not that many universities that offer my career and have like a more artistic focus I would say, so people will most likely want to join my university since it has great labs and equipment as well as a good study plan

It was rather surprising to find out that most of my classmates graduated from the same high school and were already friends, so their high school cliques remain pretty much the same; it made me feel extremely out of place and it felt really difficult to try and approach people

On pandemic I got in touch with a friend from like primary school and she introduced me to amazing people truly, I ended up dating one of them

The thing is, when restrictions started to lift up and I had to go to uni I was too scared to approach my classmates and try and develop a friendship that I would end up just running away to meet with my school friend at her uni, or with my boyfriend to chill at his place since it was close to my university, all of that was a temporary fix, still my social group was extremely small and only consisted of my friend, partner and a couple of online friends; I still felt left out being the girl no one would pick for work projects, but I had people to hang out outside of uni and it helped me greatly to cope with that inadequacy feeling I had while being at uni

Last year my friend got mad at me and stop talking to me and blocked me alltogether, and a short time after my partner cheated and broke up with me, I was at an all time low, and it became really hard to cope now not only with this feeling of being an outcast but the terrible terrible feeling of not being good enough of having ended my relationship, I felt extremely fucking lonely I still feel extremely fucking lonely, I still have two friends, but they live in a completely different city and even tho their support is great not having a shoulder to cry on hurts like hell, but I can't expect to find a shoulder to cry on, it's a process to get to be close with someone, let alone build a strong friendship

✧.* There's a couple of things I'm learning so I can deal with it my way, I really hope these could help you as well *.✧

Try not to pressure yourself into having friends; being lonely sucks, but being tortured by your own thoughts sucks even more, don't conform to being lonely, do your own effort to find your place among people but don't let anxiety win over you, building meaningful relationships takes time, it'll not be the end of the world if you don't have any friends right now so don't try to push it, take things easy, if you put your effort into it things will come your way

People actually don't hate you; I know, crazy right? sometimes we need to hear that and remind ourselves of that usually people don't have strong opinions about us unless they get to actually meet us; don't be afraid to reach out, most people will be cordial and cordiality is the beggining for any type of connection

Not every relationship is the same; to be different, to understand things differently from one another is part of the human experience, every person approaches relationships differently, some people might take longer to open up than others, but doesn't mean they don't have an interest in being your friend or something

Always be open for conversation; I personally think that every interaction is important, even if it's as trivial as someone asking you for a pen, try your best to be welcoming, be enthusiastic but not desperate, ask them questions but don't force them

Enjoy being in the place that you are; u said that you live on campus, I can imagine the feeling of inadequacy I was talking before must be stronger in your situation, but it doesn't have to be, you don't have to be with someone else to feel like a place is fun, you can have fun by yourself, take pleasure on walking around, on watching the cars pass by, listening to the birds, maybe go check out that classroom you never been in, sit in that bench you've never sat down before, empty your mind

Do things you enjoy, there are a lot of things you can do by yourself, and it really helps to manage your stress levels, it's not a good thing to let all the problems in your life fluctuate between the pressure you might feel from class and the pressure you put yourself through, go to the movies by yourself (I find that to be really cathartic), go to a café and try a sweet treat or something new

And at the end of the day fuck everybody; you're at uni to fucking study and fucking learn new things and fucking get your title mkay? this isn't a congeniality contest, don't let your grades be affected by other people, focus on delivering your assignments, if you find yourself in a group project don't let the others step on you just because y'all aren't close friends, don't be rude but stand your ground

I really hope this helps you in any way, it is truly a difficult situation to be at, and if you feel having an online friend may help you I'm here for you :)

xoxo. Mani

[alarrytale]

So based on the logic that the closet shouldn't be associated with privacy, does this mean that as a queer person who plays state level sports, I should feel obligated to come out to make the sports culture change? Even though I know for a fact that most of my team is homophobic so I won't get to play as much, so effectively derailing my future? Or maybe if I were working in a some automotive company or on a farm or in a conservative country or some other place that is not fully supportive of queer people, does every person who works in such places need to come out? Doesn't matter if we all lose our jobs, if we lose opportunities, if we lose income, each of us must come out because otherwise our industries will never change? If you think the answer is yes, then I feel you are not acquainted with the insidious level of homophobia a lot of us have to deal with. The only reason I can hope to earn to support a lifestyle I want in my chosen industry, is by staying in the closet. And I have the right to choose to keep my sexuality private to ensure my means to earn is safe. If me keeping it private is okay, then so is tzp. It's hypocritical to put the pressure on individual actors to come out "for the sake of progress" unless you are willing to tell every closeted person in the country to do the same for the sake of progress in their respective industries. Just because someone is an actor wouldn't give them some special protection from the day-to-day queerphobia. In fact they receive much more targeted anonymous hate than a non-actor. Not every celebrity lives in 30 bedroom mansions and commands an army of bodyguards and PR managers. Very few actors manage to work their way out of the working class. Just because we see their face more often doesn't give them magical levels of protection or bravery or responsibility. They have as much right as every other human in the world to choose the type of lifestyle they want. And they have as much responsibility as every other person to help make progress. No more no less. Lasting change doesn't happen because of individuals, at least not without extreme suffering and sacrifice. And publicly bullying someone into making that sacrifice is hypocritical and wrong. Change happens by enacting policy, at organisational and government levels. Anyone who genuinely cares about queer rights would direct their energies to getting laws and policies changed, instead of wasting time speculating about actors' sexualities.

Hi, anon!

No, you are not understanding what we're saying because you use yourself as a frame of reference and use examples that aren’t comparable. Let me try to explain a bit.

You are not a celebrity in a business where high-volume exposure of your personal life, image projection and the ability to sell yourself is what will make you succeed in your career. Where talent comes second. That's the definition of celebrity culture.

You are not in a business or an environment, like the music or film business, where a lot of your fellow colleagues are queer (more queers than any other work place) and it's accepted and already pretty normalised to be queer and out. The homophobia in the business is not out of malice, lack of tolerance or ignorance, it's the bosses protecting their money and assets, because they believe the gp or target group is homophobic.

If you have a queer friendly, supporting family, friends and work environment, then the conditions are as perfect as they come for being able to come out. If you're already out to everyone but your fans and the gp, and you have fans who'd support you if you did (the ones responsible for the advancement of your career) then the conditions are perfect. If people who are in perfect conditions, with little repercussions to their career or personal life, don't come out we'll never get progression and normalisation. We'll never break the cycle.

Celebrities are celebrities because we admire, idolize and worship them, because we consider them as important, powerful or famous because a great number of people know about them. We also choose who gets to be a celebrity. If you want to be a celebrity and succeed in your career in hollywood, you have to expose your personal life and give up some of your privacy. In turn you will be given a voice, and have the opportunity to use that voice for good. You could also be a role model. Very few people gets to be in that position and have that opportunity. So when you choose not to use that voice or be that role model, your fans who makes you the celebrity you are will maybe want others in that position that will use that voice or be that role model. That's what is happening with tzp and the queer community. Tzp has the right to not come out and become a voice or a role model, but that will make the queer community want to find others who will represent them. This all has very little to do with privacy, and very much to do with the closet and peoples need for out queer celebrities. He can of course also choose not to be a celebrity, but if he wants to be, he must play the game.

So no, it doesn’t mean that you should feel obligated to come out. You are in an entirely different career, position and environment than hollywood celebrities are. You don’t have to give parts of your privacy up to succeed in your career. You don’t have that level of influence that a celebrity has. You know yourself and the environment around yourself best.

I agree that most change starts at the top, but not always with policy changes. Policy changes won't work without the support of the majority gp. We need societal change and that happens with normalisation. Celebrities can help enormously with this. They have more influence over people than politicians most times. Tzp coming out publically would be important to many people, and that's why it's a topic of conversation.

[the-firebird69]

Hello son is trying to find out what 843 South flower Street has for attendance it says it's hotel Court so it could be hotels not apartments and they don't look like hotels so we don't think that's right there could be hotels nearby we think it's on Bunker Hill in LA and that's one reason why he's there and a big reason and he's trying to get moving now this video is coming up because there are huge questions about him and pyramids and Giants and running the underworld and the clans disappearing and he's in trouble that's one reason the other thing is he's saying it could be his friend Chris which has our son Zeus and with him is our daughter Hera of different and ancestry than each other. So he is trying to get moving and it is not obvious yet but it will be hey does this and he says people what are you doing and people are pressuring him to do stuff so it's rather important and it is going on now and it increases during the day and the next 3 days and people want to know is involvement and why he doesn't know anything. They do the same thing with Trump very soon his right on him and Trump is doomed the intention level is extremely high and if Tommy F feels a difference this guy is doomed cuz he's sought all over the world all the time and now the max are and it's a war. So this is a very big find this video panic at the Disco high hopes. And it gives our son a weird feeling and Tommy F should get moving he's really just sitting here bothering everybody and harassing her son to death for nothing but he doesn't get much better and we have to do things and it's coming up shortly because of this pressure it's a it's a very good benefit to put this up so we're going to post

Olympus

This is terrific and helpful

Thor Freya

I can't wait and really we should put it up there and it's increasing now and it is a terrific time

Hera

Zues

[twofacedharveydent]

Not trying to be nosy but i noticed in the tags of a recent post you mentioned a hospital stay. I wanted to say I hope you're doing ok and ask if that why you stopped updating your Gotham story again?

Yeah, the short version is that I had gone to the ER last month because i was having some trouble breathing. Ended up in the CCU with dangerously high blood pressure and a resting heart rate that was insane. Best guess at this point is that I had basically been just living my life with very high blood pressure for who knows long and my heart finally just started freaking out because it was working overtime.

I still have to have some more tests done to see about any damage to my heart, but thankfully the tests done when i was in the hospital didn't seem to indicate anything major.

The main issue now is all the blood pressure medications they started me on and the side effects of those. I am in a very dizzy, barely awake, foggy brained state for like 80-90% of my days right now. They warned me it would take weeks for my body to adjust to not just the meds but to running at more normal blood pressure levels after going for an extended period of time with it being so out of control, but I really think one of the meds just isn't going to work for me and have been trying to get in contact with the doctor to see what else we can try.

It's the one that knocks me on my ass the most and also for me causes realty extreme muscle weakness, like to the point that in order to fix my cats wet food, I have to sit in a chair because i can't stand for very long -and I have to take breaks because just opening the cans and mixing the food in bowls makes my arm feels like i've been lifting weights.

So, yeah... needless to say I am really on the struggle bus over here and that is why I haven't been updating. I'm not at a point where i can write -physically or mentally, on these meds yet.

It really sucks too because when I last updated Bird, i really felt like I was getting my groove back and was so determined to keep up with updates and then this shit happens.

xx

[simplicity2222]

We only fall in love with 3 people in our lifetime - each one for a specific reason...

Wow! This resonates with me so much. I’m currently going through a breakup from my “karmic love” (which according to this is love #2). This explains my former relationship to a T... it’s actually freaky.

Thought I’d share this with everyone in case anyone else finds it as interesting and relatable as I do. The first two loves were BANG ON for me.

- - - -

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. It’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason. The ultimate goal: to get to love number #3 (our twin flame).

Love #1: The Soul Mate (The Love that Looks Right)

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.

This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.

It’s a love that looks right.

Love #2: The Karmic Love (The Hard Love)

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.

We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.

Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

Love #3: The Twin Flame (The Love that Lasts)

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.

This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.

We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.

It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.

Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.

Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.

And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.

Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.

But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.

They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.

But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.

What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.

The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming.

The one that actually lasts.

The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.

- Written by Kate Rose

[angeldcgs]

lips pursed as she weighed the compliment, having trouble accepting praise if it felt unearned, but unable to ignore the warmth that bloomed in her chest from being thought of as talented. “i’m sure you’re a much better writer than i am a pianist, but i’ll play for you if you let me read something of yours. seems like a fair trade, right?” even though it wasn’t her passion the way writing was his, frankie couldn’t bear to fail at anything, no matter how trivial, so she felt that deal would even out the stakes. having been out of practice since graduating high school, she was a bit rusty, but with her level of experience, it wouldn’t take much to get back into the swing of it. not to mention, she was constantly undervaluing her own abilities— she could never accept how incredibly gifted she was. ink black lashes fluttered as he elaborated on his feelings somewhat, still uncertain about just what it all meant. “but… like, in what way?” her wide eyed gaze held all the hope she could muster, willing to let his opinion of her make or break the way she thought about herself. already, frankie could feel her self esteem lifting ever so slightly just from the attention he’d given her thus far, but it could come plummeting back down to earth at any second. “i think…” she murmured in a trance like state, her lips moving before her brain told them to. “i think you’re the coolest person i’ve ever met.” so much of her life revolved around absolutes. rigid rules and a strict path to follow; she had to be all in or all out. because of that, she didn’t know how to feel things in moderation, constantly swinging from one extreme to the next with no happy medium. oz had made her feel good in the midst of her pity spiral, and for that, he may as well have been a god. “i guess i didn’t think about that… there’s probably a lot of pressure, being expected to perform. you’re just supposed to know what to do and actually be able to do it.” if things had been different and frankie had been a guy, the whole virginity debacle would’ve been exponentially worse. at least as a woman, she was expected to be submissive, so her timid nature likely wouldn’t be a problem with any prospective partners. and though she knew it was much to soon to be making those kinds of decisions, she knew she wanted that partner to be him. he’d said it himself, that it would be better to have sex with someone experienced, and that way they’d know how to make it feel good for her. “oh…” so many questions bounced around in her brain, though she refused to give voice to any one until she could sort them all into their own individual thoughts. at the moment, it was all a clustered jumble of words and question marks. “have you ever, um… have you taken a girl’s virginity before?” and did she like it? did he? the way he spoke about sex was so nonchalant, it lifted some of the weight she’d always attached to the idea. it didn’t have to hurt, or be scary, and it didn’t have to be some big dramatic occasion, either. sure, she’d prefer to fall madly in love, and share that deep physical bond with them knowing that they were just as devoted to her, but that just wasn’t realistic. maybe it could’ve been for her parents generation, but it was nothing more than a fairytale for hers, and the sooner she accepted that, the sooner she could get to enjoying herself.

she was right about to tack on a desperate, “please?” along with her request, but thankfully for her, oz complied before she had to. not before gazing down at her for what felt like ages, leaving her paralyzed under his fond scrutiny until he finally granted her the mercy of a kiss. her body’s response was immediate, curling into his side as she found a grip on his hair, fingernails gently taking against his scalp as she revealed in how soft and thick his curls were. the soft smack of their lips was almost more arousing than the physical sensation, letting out a low hum involuntarily. she wanted more already, and now that they were no longer on a public street and instead protected by the sanctity of his home, she could go for it, but there was some sort of mental block preventing her from acting on her most primal impulses. maybe if she’d had another drink or two back at the bar, or maybe if the cigarette he’d offered her had contained weed rather than tobacco she would’ve been able to break through that barrier and straddle him like her body was begging her to do, her skirt likely riding up in the process, bare thighs pressed to clothed ones. how long would it take him to feel her panties getting wetter? he could probably get her soaked without even really touching her, what with how sensitive she was.

"i don't, it's just a hunch i have" oz wasn't fond of watching people excel at things he was trying to be good at. it would be fine to see frankie's talent on a piano because it wasn't a skill he'd put much effort into honing but if she ended up being a better writer than him, then his jealousy would be too much for him to handle. he wasn't nearly as confident as he portrayed himself, or even as he tried to make even himself believe. her innocence would maybe get old to him sooner rather than later, but at that moment he still found himself besotted with it and he narrowed his eyes playfully at her and cocked his head. "like i like you, i think you're really something." the vagueness probably wasn't what she was looking for but he couldn't help himself from teasing, her cute little face was too much for him to bare going without. it wouldn't be true to say he didn't usually bring girls home, but he hadn't in a while and so it had to mean something that he'd broken that streak for her. he listened intently as she revealed more about how she felt about sex and it made him feel oddly protective, like he'd stumbled across one of the few girls in the city who hadn't been tainted by some other asshole guy. she was a clean slate, completely blank and ready for him to feed whatever he wanted, she'd eat it all up eagerly too just for the promise of proving herself. "it's a scary thing for anyone, i think it can be even more intimidating for the guys because of that expectation of us always having to enjoy it... kinda takes the fun out of it when you're worrying about not offending the other person." he did almost always enjoy it, it was hard not to but if it would ease some of her anxiety to know that she wasn't alone in finding it a nerve-wracking experience, then he'd play up his anxiety around the whole thing. "i can't really speak for girls, but i've heard that it doesn't always hurt... so long as you're with someone who knows what they're doing." he spoke casually, like he wasn't purposefully planting the idea of finding someone experienced after having just spoken about his exploits. virginity wasn't an important concept in his world but to someone as sweet as frankie, she probably had spent a lot of time putting merit on her first time and for that he couldn't blame her. they'd grown up in a world where you were ideally meant to be with the first person you kissed, find a high school sweetheart to shack up with and have a couple kids. to be in your twenties and alone, having not experienced a lot of what others had by that time and even more, it was frustrating and made the whole thing even scarier. though, with how she seemed eager to dangle herself in front of him, taunting him with her capability for being a sexual being, oz could imagine her deciding to just get the whole thing over with on a whim, maybe later regretting it but at least no longer having to think about it. he hummed in gentle amusement and brought his hand around to brush gently against her curls, admiring her state of drunken need for a long moment before finally curling his hand back around her cheek as he'd done before and brought her in for another slightly off-kilter kiss.

[thistleandthorn-rpg]

Congrats Pari on your application for Wren Hummel! Please check out this page here for what to do next, and please send us her blog within 48 hours! Welcome to the group!

OOC INFORMATION:

Name/Alias: pari Preferred pronoun: she/her Age: 29 Timezone/Country: est/usa RP Experience: i've been rping for 12+ years in multiple different kinds of groups (glee, smut, harry potter, oc) Activity Level: 7/10 just because of work

IC INFORMATION:

Name: wren hummel Designation: switch Age: 24 Birthdate: december 1, 1998 Faceclaim: victoria pedretti Orientation: bisexual, biromantic (leans more toward women) Kinks: daddy kink, romance, bondage, hot wax, ice, group sex, spanking, voyerism, orgasim denial, choking, hair pulling, roleplay, begging, strap on, biting/scratching Anti-Kinks: scat, vore/gore, any bodily fluids, permanent marking, physical injury/disfiguring, pet play, little/child/age play, extreme play, cages

Key Points: 

- was previously attending a different school to learn the ways of the bdsm lifestyle, but has transferred to stonewall prep at the recommendation of kurt

- she's naturally an anxious person, suffers from panic attacks, especially when she's around too big of a crowd or overwhelmed by too much noise

- she is a more private person, she doesn't necessarily get lost in the crowd but she does prefer to keep to herself and people watch. it makes her a bit of a mystery.

- she's an athlete which takes up a lot of her time between basketball and softball she values her physique and working out. 

BIO 

growing up in the hummel household wren was the opposite of her brother, kurt. she was a tomboy and the athlete that her father had always been excited to have. she took to sports right away and valued the necessary traits it took to be good at what she did: teamwork, hardwork, discipline and motivated. she was constantly busy jumping between sports schedules but she loved it. but the one thing she was always jealous of was her brother's ability to march to the beat of his own drum and never care what anyone else had to say. wren always faltered when it came to peer pressure and cared far too much about what people thought of her. 

after high school wren was pushed to go out of state to a school for doms/swtiches/subs, her parents thinking it was a better idea for her to attend a school that had a good focus on their athletic programs as well as their studies. but after a shoulder injury kept her out of play for a year the hummels decided to bring her back to lima to be closer to them as she rehabbed her shoulder. she's actually pretty happy to be in a school with her brother for the first time and is excited for all the new opportunities here.

BIO QUESTIONS:

What are your feelings about the mark you have received?  - "i like to think it's pretty accurate. in a lot of ways i shift between being a sub and being a dom. i think the more i explore the more i'll be able to find where i'm truly meant to be."

How do your feelings on the system compare to your parents’ feelings on it? - "my parents have always been believers in the system and subsequently so have i. if it keeps everyone safe and prevents everything from falling into a mess then i would rather follow the system than rebel against it."

Where do you see yourself after you graduate?   - "if i can't play any kind of sport professionally then i really. hope i am able to coach. the joy i find in sports is something that i would love to be able to help instill in others. i've had enough bad coaches to know what a good coach looks like and i would love to be that for someone else."

How do you feel about authority? - "when it comes to authority i think when it's done correctly then it's the kind of thing that a lot of people need. but when there are those that take advantage of their authority or toe the line with it, i begin to lose respect for them. in order for this society to work as a whole we need to follow the structure laid out for us and not overstep, no matter which mark you are."

[commongoodtherapy]

Tips for learning ISTDP

Things I find helpful to think about. 

I wrote this as a guide for myself. By articulating these things, it is helpful for me to manage this learning process. I am not successfully doing all of the things I write about here, but it helps me to think about how to learn. I am putting it up here in case it helps anyone else too.

It is written as part of my learning process and is not a “final” document, but an artefact of where I am at this moment in my learning. Learning ISTDP is hard so I try to do a lot to support my learning. 

Here are the obvious tips:

Read a lot, watch videos etc  

Find a great supervisor and get a lot of supervision

Attend training workshops

Engage with the forums, ask lots of questions

Watch your own videos.

Here are some other things I’ve figured out that help me learn:

Accept how hard it is and give yourself a break

Let’s start with a quote from David Malan, written in the foreword to Patricia Coughlin’s book “Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy” in 1996:

In 1979, I had predicted (Davanloo’s) work is destined to revolutionize both the practice and the scientific status of dynamic psychotherapy within the next 10 years.’…the hope expressed in my prediction was destined to be disappointed; this simply hasn't happened. The reasons seem to include, above all, the extreme difficulty of learning Davanloo's technique, with the result that only a handful of therapists other than Davanloo himself can use it effectively. This partly stems from his use and advocacy of a highly confrontational, almost adversarial, style. Although such an approach is extremely effective in his hands, many other therapists do not feel comfortable with it.

In the 1990s there were only a handful of therapists who were doing ISTDP effectively. Despite its effectiveness, it did not bring the revolution it promised, because of “the extreme difficulty in learning Davanloo’s technique”.

The thing is, the experts make it look easy. And if you, like me, read “Co-Creating Change” and thought “I can do this”, you got a horrible shock when you realised you can’t, and from there it’s a long, slow, painful process of trying to learn it, and it feels like all you are learning is how much harder it is to learn than you thought it was. The more you learn, the more you realise you have to learn, and the harder, you realise, it is to learn. And it is important to understand why it is so hard to learn. I will stick with Malan’s words “extremely difficult”.

In terms of the basics - it is extremely difficult to:

a)    Psycho-diagnose accurately

Know what is the correct intervention to apply at each point

Have the confidence to apply the intervention well - especially if it is a confrontational intervention such as asking for feelings towards you; stacking heavy pressures and challenges; or mirroring a suicidal defence.

Accurate psycho-diagnosis is complicated enough. Understanding the channels of anxiety discharge, which defences are being used, the level of ego adaptive capacity, takes a lot of knowledge and skill in what is essentially highly complex pattern recognition. We are attempting to learn to recognise patterns involving multiple variables and a very high level of nuance, in vivo. We are attempting to recognise complex patterns while sitting in front of a patient and attending to them. This is incredibly hard.

Once we have psychodiagnosed, knowing what intervention to apply, and having a script ready is another thing. There are so many possible interventions, and for many of them, using the right wording is necessary. You might have a sense of what you need to say, but finding the right way to say it in the moment eludes you, and so you say it in a way that does not convey the right tone or spirit of the intended intervention. This can be quite paralysing in a session.

On top of that, having the confidence to apply it well is yet another level. Having the confidence to apply a heavy challenge for example, requires a strong belief that it will work. Having the confidence to mirror a PSE requires a belief that you are not hurting the other person. It also requires the correct language and tone, so that you do not communicate sarcasm or lack of care. These things are HARD to know when to do, and hard to do well.

It is hard to know when to listen to content and when to interrupt content because it is defensive. It is hard to do what feels “rude” when you have worked so hard to be “empathic”. It is extremely difficult to un-learn all the supportive techniques that you learned and practiced previously as a therapist.

And even if you psychodiagnose accurately, and do the right intervention and do it well, being able to accurately diagnose and intervene effectively with the next patient response, might be a whole new challenge. To psychodiagnose accurately and intervene with the most effective intervention over and over and over throughout a therapy session is just incredibly difficult.

Think of it: in learning any other thing - e.g. a language; how to play a musical instrument; or how to understand and carry out complex mathematical processes - you are taught the process, and then you practice it. You learn it and then you do it. With learning this therapy model you have so much to learn and so many variables when it comes to the real life situation and applying it. You can never guarantee that your patient will respond the way you have learned to intervene with. There are so many moving parts, and when the application is always in a highly variable, unpredictable situation - our learning tends to be very slow.

Understand how hard this is and don’t expect yourself to get it easily. If you get ONE intervention right - then that is a victory. Be kind to yourself by acknowledging that it is incredibly hard to learn.  

Set Small Goals and Big Goals for your learning

e.g. My main big goal:

Become masterful at implementing ISTDP calmly and confidently and in a way that fits with my personality.

Smaller goals might be for one session, or a day of sessions, or a week:

Pay attention to sighs. Get better at noticing when someone is sighing and when someone is NOT sighing. It is so easy to forget this basic observation.

Focus on getting patient’s will to task  

Focus on regulating anxiety

Focus on pressures to collaboration - inviting togetherness in the work

Focus on explaining the triangle of conflict to the patient

Be braver at interrupting defences

Be braver at responding less to defences such as rambling or waffling

Be braver with doing less when the patient is passive

Be braver with sitting in silence

Be braver with “taking it into the T”

Get better at defining the positive goal and coming back to it

Get better at linking the task to the positive goal

Get better at NOT getting ahead of the patient (being aware of your agenda vs where they’re at)

It is important to set small goals within big goals to have a sense of achievement with the small goals. There are so many things to think about in any session, if you practice focusing on different things you will get better bit by bit rather than trying to do too much at once. This is how I approach it.

Stumbling in the right direction.

My colleagues and I talk about “stumbling in the right direction” - which means we are doing our best to take the work into an ISTDP-informed process - maybe getting a few things right, or even only one thing right, but understanding that we are doing it very imperfectly and that we have a very long way to go to feel competent.

Be brave with new interventions

Learning this model is all about getting out of your comfort zone. If you’re an empathic person and you have done a model of supportive psychotherapy where the main tenet is unconditional positive regard, this is going to be uncomfortable. But you will get nowhere unless you can force yourself to be brave with new interventions, push yourself to try uncomfortable things. The hardest of these, for me, is interrupting. Interrupting someone when they are in the flow of speech, and especially when the content seems relevant, can be incredibly difficult for many of us who have prided ourselves on being empathic listeners. The crucial thing to remember is that we are interrupting defensive behaviours and anxiety, not the “true voice” (or whatever you might call it - when the person is at the bottom of the triangle).

Risk losing some clients (if you can financially afford it)  

This is a really hard one that goes against all instincts of helping, as well as ideas about professional reputation, and financial security. Be willing to take some risks to build confidence and competence. Obviously only do things that you believe will be helpful, but that are out of your comfort zone and might lead to a misalliance and possible therapy drop-out. But understand that you might mis-apply an intervention and as a result there might be patients who don’t come back because they don’t like what you did. Let yourself be ok with that. At least you tried a hard thing and you were doing it in the spirit of helping.

But also be generous with yourself

If you are brave and try new interventions and they don’t seem to have the desired effect, that’s okay. Don’t pressure yourself to keep doing it - just make a mental note that you need to learn more. Focus on being proud of yourself for trying, and having a new problem, rather than on the disappointment that the intervention didn’t lead where you hoped.

Put your energy into the nitty gritty rather than the glamorous parts  

When we see the experts in seminars or workshops we watch in awe as they pressure for feelings that lead to dramatic portrayals and big breakthroughs. That is high level work. They make it look easy. They make it look like what you must do to get results. That may be true for some patients, but it is not necessarily true for all patients, and also it is very hard to do, and you need a high level of knowledge and experience to do it well. Until you are at a level of confidence and competence, don’t stress yourself out by thinking you need to do portrayals or big breakthroughs, don’t even think about them. You can do plenty of work without going for portrayals.

Dont over focus on feelings

It’s easy to think you need to focus on feelings. Sometimes just stay with pressure to will and pressure on defences - stay in the defensive corner.

Get Good at NOT listening to content.

Un-learn your attentive listening skills. When the patient is reporting, monologuing, information dumping, filling you in excessively, telling stories, rambling, waffling - do not engage with the content. Pressure to feelings in the present. If there are no feelings, re-orient to find an internal focus. 

Get good at mirroring defences.

It is a superpower. Understand that it is harder than it looks but worth it to nail it. Get good at staying with the resistance. Not moving towards feelings when there is syntonic resistance.

Get good at recognising syntonic resistance.

Even when the patient declares that they “hate” the resistance, they may not have turned against it. Eg “I want to stop (doing self-defeating behaviour) but I cant!” > SYNTONIC masquerading as dystonic.

Get good at identifying and clarifying defences.

Sometimes you can see a defence clearly and you forget that the patient doesn’t really understand it and therefore doesn’t have any motivation to give it up. It’s easy to skip past the identification, clarification, and clarification of cost. If you skip past these things, and just go to pressuring or challenging the patient to give up the defence, then YOU are motivated for the patient to give up the defence but they are not. You are three steps ahead of them.

Get good at recognising unconscious defiance.  

And addressing it INDIRECTLY. If someone is showing up to therapy religiously and seeming to work hard, but not getting anywhere, there might be unconscious defiance that needs to be addressed before any gains can be made.

IF you get lost

Because you will get lost, often, try to come back to one of 3 interventions:

What is happening inside right now as you tell me this?

How are you feeling right now here with me / how does it feel to be talking about this here with me?

Reorient to the problem/goal to find an internal emotional focus:

>  Eg “What is the part here that you’d like my help with?”

> “We seem to be a bit lost… let’s see if we can find a useful focus so that you can get the most out of this session. What do you think is the problem that you’d like me to help you with?”

> “I think I’m missing something, how does this relate to what you came here to get help with?”

One or more of these three questions should help orient you back to knowing where to go.

Your goal of the session might be to know that you don’t know where you are

If you don’t know where you are, make your goal of the session to find the triangle and explain it to the patient. If you can’t do this because you are confused or for another reason, make your goal of the session to know where you went wrong. If you cant figure out where you went wrong, make your goal of the session to just know that you don’t know where you were and what was happening. There is power in knowing what you know you don’t know. Do what you can to get through the session (use the three questions above) and flag the P for supervision, or have some questions for next time.

Hierarchy of goals:

To know exactly where you are and what you are doing in terms of the CDS and/or patient’s problem, goal, task.

To know what is happening, even if you can’t make the thing happen that you want to happen

TO know that you have no idea what is happening

Tune into your own anxiety

Know when certain patients trigger your anxiety. Try to understand why, and if it makes you avoid doing certain interventions. Then get supervision on that patient and resolve to be brave in your next session, despite how they make you anxious. Usually patients who make me anxious are ones that I know are angry with me, either consciously or unconsciously, and I don’t want to bring that anger to the surface. I want to avoid their anger. Which goes against everything ISTDP. So I resolve to be brave and do the avoided intervention that brings their anger to the surface, knowing I will be working right where I need to be. It will be growth for you. Just stay curious in the face of anger.

Amazing resources

Use the fb peer support group, it is an amazing resource. Look at the videos on YouTube, eg Johannes Kieding’s channel. There is some great material on there.

Supervision

Watch and read a lot, but there is no substitute for good supervision. Sit in on others’ supervision if you can. Record and review your supervision sessions. Find an excellent supervisor or supervisors.

Once again: ISTDP is probably the hardest thing you will ever learn. Accurate psycho-diagnosis, knowing all the interventions, and which to use at any point in therapy AND confidently using the right intervention at the right time, then knowing what to do next, is F’ING HARD. Give yourself a break if it’s taking you a long time to get things.

Acknowledge the gains

Acknowledge the gains you’ve made compared to before you began, rather than focus on what you have yet to master. Here is my vacuum cleaner analogy: if you vacuum a dirty floor and you scrutinise the floor because it still looks dirty, you focus on the unclean bits and the process will seem useless and you will feel despondent and want to give up. If instead you look at the dust compartment in the vacuum cleaner and observe that it is full of dust and dirt, evidence of all that you have vacuumed so far that is no longer on the floor, you will feel gratified and accomplished and motivated to keep going.

Here is a question about doing the interventions that I often ask myself:  

What do I avoid out of lack of confidence/courage, and what do I not know?

You will never learn everything

The thing about learning, is that you cannot take away all the content and remember it. When you read a book, or watch a video, have a lecture, or even have supervision - you will not take everything away from it.  and maybe you get only 5% from the book or video. I have read whole books and taken countless notes and underlined bits and pieces throughout the whole thing. But there is no way I am going to take all of it away and be able to access it and use it. But over time, if I keep reading and watching and listening, I will take something away from each thing and that will build up and build on itself, the more times I am exposed to an idea the more it will get solidified in my mind. The more times I hear something in supervision the more I will be able to do the intervention or to recognise at least that I know to do it. It is an iterative learning process. It is not linear. My first supervisor encouraged a particular kind of intervention so many times before I actually figured out how to do it.

Dont assume that just because something makes sense to you to do that you will know how to do it. When you supervisor explains something, or you read something in a book, or learn it in your training - it might make so much sense and feel so right, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy to apply in session. And that’s okay. Just know that what looks easy and makes sense when someone else does it, can be really tricky and challenging for you to do, if you’ve never done it before.

Learning to do new therapy interventions is harder than many other things. Think about it: if you are learning how to cook a new thing, you have your instructions there and you have all the time in the world to refer to your instructions and carry out the actions. And if you are doing it alone, most likely there’ll be no anxiety about it. But trying to do a new therapy intervention is a different story. You are with another person to whom you are giving all your attention and need to be seen as competent and confident. You are on the spot, there are so many variables, and you probably have some level of anxiety about doing a new thing. You have to know the right time to use the new intervention. And then you want to use it with confidence, and get the language and the tone just right.

It is impossible to practice this skill. you can do role plays and skill building but nothing compares to being in the therapy room with the patient who’s responses you can’t predict. I do not think there are many things that are as hard to learn as this, where you are “on the spot” and cannot predict what will happen.

Keep a journal

Keep a journal with Qs and As for yourself and your work and thinking on the journey. Go back and read early entries and notice the progress in your thinking. Self supervisions. Go back and supervise your old self with your new insights and competencies. I find this really helpful. The questions and concerns that I had a year ago I feel so much more equipped to deal with now. I have so much more understanding.

Explicit and implicit learning

It’s useful to be aware of both top down and bottom up learning. From all that you do to learn - watching videos - reading - supervision, etc, some of it will go in unconsciously just through repeated exposure, and some of it you will absorb by conscientiously going over it and revisiting it and applying it in sessions. To this end - expose yourself to a lot of material, and also be conscientious in remembering and applying some of it.

Sometimes you need a word-for-word script for a new intervention

Interventions that you’ve never used before can be complicated and counter-intuitive. When you hear your supervisor, or Jon Frederickson deliver them, they sound so simple. But when it comes to using them, it’s important to get the nuance of tone and wording just right. A good example of this is when mirroring the superego resistance - especially if someone is talking about suicide and their wish to die. Eg “It just feels like there’s no point, all I can think about is wanting to die.” To be in conflict with this statement and try to convince the patient to live, allows the patient to have a conflict with you rather than within themselves. It can reinforce their stance of wanting to die, and therefore is rarely effective. To mirror this, you don’t want to sound sarcastic, or that you want them to die, or that you think they should die. You want them to face the reality of what they are saying and begin to question it and experience an internal conflict. However, it’s important that you get the wording and tone right, to communicate this. If you get the tone and wording wrong you could sound as though you are supporting the patient to commit suicide, which is undoubtedly the last thing any of us wishes to do. Since it is delicate, and counter-intuitive to offer a mirroring intervention, we tend to be nervous about it. In order to feel confident and be able to deliver it, at the beginning, we need the exact words. For this reason it is very helpful to rehearse scripts, so they are accessible when we need them in session.