#i fear this will make less sense to myself when i finally come back to it like a decade after it began

[curiosity-killed]

this is a reminder to myself that that one story that started as an RP of a daemon AU of tcp should be dragons

[allaboutnayeli]

could've been [i.engen x reader]

prompt: after all the regret, ingrid finally changes. too bad you aren't there to see it.

author notes: this is my sorry for making ingrid so toxic in part one, i swear she is ten times better in this one. hope y'all enjoy itt! look at the bottom of the fic for another surprise.

warnings: angst but not in a (part one) way, lots of mentions of regret, ingrid gets help finally, rejection, and more 🤗

masterlist to other two parts

PLEASE, ALLOW ME TO SHOW

YOU SOMETHING

MM, SOMEBODY GIVE ME, YEAH

SOMEBODY GIVE ME, UH

SOMEBODY TELL ME THE ANSWERS

ME AND YOU ISN'T THE ANSWER (UH)

ME AND YOU ISN'T (NO)

MAYBE I'M TELLIN' MYSELF THAT

BUT THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' THAT'LL

CHANGE THAT

WHAT GOOD WOULD IT BE IF I KNEW

HOW YOU FELT ABOUT ME? (YEAH)

healing, change, forgiveness takes time. especially when one is trying to forgive themselves for their actions.

ingrid's therapist told her this in her most recent appointment when she broke down; her tears and words trying to express the guilt that still hangs heavy in her heart. the way she sobs almost makes it seem like she's the victim in the situation. that she was the one played with and cursed at and left to overthink. ingrid knows this. she knows how fucked up it looks to cry after being the one to do all the hurting, but her therapist reminded her that this is one step on the road to being better. those genuine tears of guilt shows remorse. now actions and effort needs to be put behind them so that those tears aren't put to waste.

when the norwegian whispers out, "what if i have done this sooner? do you think she would have left?" her therapist just gives her a small shake of the head before explaining that the past is the past.

"y/n is not the answer to all your problems. she's not the solution, you are. she may have been your first motivation, but now it's time for yourself to be the motivation. you are doing this for the betterment of you," the woman who goes by the name ms. alcaraz says. the way one of her legs are crossed over the other reminds ingrid of how you use to sit whenever listening to ingrid's rambles about her favorite show. y'all's favorite show. she always found it a little funny how many thoughts and items and mannerisms led back to you in her mind.

ms. alcaraz snaps her fingers to get ingrid out of her head. another thing the norwegian needs to work on; less focusing on the past and more looking at the future. "understand? enough dwelling on how you treated her and more working on the problems that led you to those actions," the therapist says as ingrid nods. that makes complete sense even if almost makes her heart snap in half. all she wants to do is remember and dwell and regret over and over again until she runs herself ragged.

the rest of the session is spent figuring out ways for ingrid to finally stop focusing all her on energy on the non-existent forgiveness she wanted from you and how she can finally start to forgive herself. ms. alcaraz proposes for her to write a letter to you. an actual physical letter. not a text from her fake page or an call from a text now number, a physical letter that ingrid would be forbidden to send. the norwegian wants to tell ms. alcaraz no. that this won't help anything. that it will actually make things worst and how she just couldn't do that but then she remembered how many times "couldn't do it" slipped out of her mouth when she talked to you. how badly that impacted your relationship. the fear that was vocal in those words always annoyed you; and ingrid knew this every single time. she just couldn't bring herself to push past that fear and do it. so no, this time around she can do it. will do it. if not for her then for you. even if you won't ever see it and it will just be laying on her desk for days to come, she had to do this.

you deserve an apology, some type of effort even if the only thing left of you in barcelona is just memories.

all ingrid thought about after leaving the session was what to say. what words could express how deeply she regrets everything and how wrong she was? god she just didn't know.

it has been three months since ingrid made the choice to go to therapy and do something about all her issues. for such a long time after you left all ingrid did was cry herself to sleep on her couch every night and then act completely fine all day in front of her "boyfriend" and everyone else. it took one month in therapy for her to break things off with him; her therapist explained to her how leading him on into believing their relationship was worth anything was wrong and will only lead to pain. not just for him, but for her too since being with someone she didn't love wasn't good for her mental health.

it was month two when she finally sat and accepted that she was a lesbian. "i'm a lesbian and i don't understand what that means for me? i can't... i don't know how to.." ingrid said one day at a session as she picked at the skin near her nails. the appointment was actually supposed to be focused on ingrid's fear of being judged and her fear of people's opinions but her vocally proclaiming that she is infact a lesbian led to a different direction for that day. the first direction was worked on in the next appointment with it being a perfect follow up to helping ingrid with her identity crisis.

month three's word of the month was fear. ingrid hated month three. every single last session was focused on what she fears, why she fears it, and how to overcome that fear. she hated it so badly just because the ingrained reaction to fear in her mind is to run. to shut down and isolate or to lash out and explode. there was never a in-between, but now it had to be. that's what she needed if she ever wanted to get better. that's what she needed to make sure all her regret didn't go to waste.

back to that dreadful letter. ingrid went straight to her desk when she reached her apartment. looking around her bedroom for some paper and pen so she could write down the apology she has been wanting to say to you for ages. ingrid finds a paper and a pen in mere minutes, but as she sits down at her desk she stalls for a moment.

is this even worth it? what if this makes everything worse? what if she spirals and can't even figure out what to say? too many what ifs. too much uncertainty. ingrid hated this. she hated that she couldn't just do it. what is her fucking problem?

tears well up in her eyes as she looks at the blank page. her mind was nothing like it. her mind is messy and full and feels like it's going to slip out of her brain onto the floor.

this won't help.

this won't change anything.

this can't change the past.

ingrid won't change, she can't, she's unable to. she's going to be stuck being a horrible person who can't do anything right. someone who fucks up everything in their life. a failure. no wonder you left; she was a fucking mess.

the norwegian doesn't even notice how her tears are now dripping onto the paper. no, no, no. she has to stop. she can't, won't, refuses to give up. if not for herself than at least for you.

do this for you, ingrid. letting your panic blur your vision won't lead to anything good. breathe, just breathe. let it go.

just write and say whatever is what ingrid mentally says to herself as she picks up the pen and starts writing. her fingers are so shaky that the letters on the page are hardly readable, but the emotions are there. the regret, the sorrow, the pain.

ingrid's so sorry.

and she had to make sure you knew that; in spirit. not in actuality.

so she writes and writes and writes until her fingers feel numb.

dear y/n,

i don't know how to start this off or even what to say. you will never see this, but i want it to be perfect. i ruined everything because i was just so afraid. i was scared to find out how people would react if they knew about us and instead of telling you more about my thoughts, i pushed you away. not just pushed you away, i exploded and treated you like shit to make sure you didn't to be near me. at first when i first started to act out i thought you would leave, but you didn't. why didn't you leave? i will never understand it. i'm so grateful you didn't because the moments when i wasn't being a horrible girlfriend, yes i can freely say that we were together now, were the best moments of my life in all honesty. you didn't give up on us, i did. i'm the one who kept running away. who kept using others to make it seem like our relationship was nothing important. you should have left and taught me lesson. well i guess you finally did, but that was after i put you though months of emotional pain. i was an awful girlfriend who let my own personal issues ruin everything and i ruined you. i know i did. and i'm so sorry. i love you, y/n. i love you so much and i don't know how i will ever move on.

IT COULD'VE BEEN RIGHT, BUT

I WAS WRONG (UH)

ONLY THINK 'BOUT YOU WHEN

I'M ALONE (YEAH)

THE PART OF ME THAT CARED IS

ALMOST GONE

AND I KNOW THAT I CAN'T GET CAUGHT UP

WE COULD'VE BEEN

AND WE TRY TO PRETEND

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN

WE DON'T DREAM ABOUT, DON'T

THINK ABOUT WHAT

WE COULD'VE BEEN

THOUGH I'M HOLDING IT IN

'CAUSE I KNOW IN THE END

YOU DREAM ABOUT, I THINK ABOUT WHAT

WE COULD'VE BEEN

WE COULD'VE BEEN (DAMN)

WE COULD'VE (DAMN)

when you first left you were the only thing filling up ingrid's thoughts. from the moment she woke up, while getting ready for the day, at practice, on the way back home from practice, at matches, during press conferences, every single moment that she was awake she thought about you.

however after the first few months of therapy, slowly but surely you started to slip her thoughts. she started to get back into her hobbies and became more focused at games. you were slowly becoming a memory for her; that didn't mean the regret and pain wasn't still there. those emotions will always hang in the back of her mind even when she moves on. to the day ingrid is on her deathbed, the bullshit she pulled on you will always stay there; that pain will be taken to the grave.

ms. alcaraz has helped her learn how to live on with those emotions. instead of shutting down whenever ingrid felt like everything was too much she would write or meditate or do yoga. anything to clear her mind.

but there's nights where all the norwegian can do is lay in bed. scrolling down on your instagram. even looking at content posted by the san diego wave social media just to get a glimpse of you. when she saw how you and that mystery brunette has already moved in with eachother she wanted to scream. all of those hours of therapy helped her, they really have, but still the immense urge to just explode rests on her chest.

the urge to just blow up your phone with a text now number. the violent urge to just text you on instagram over and over again until you either answer or block her fake page. the burning urge to leave very specific hate comments under your posts about only things she would know shimmers inside of her. however those urges are never answered.

ingrid has changed. she isn't her past self and she can finally feel proud about it. however still she couldn't block your instagram. her scrolling time has gone down from the entire night to just two hours with the help of therapy, but two hours is two hours too much. ingrid knows this.

she still wants some type of connection to you even if it's just a one way street. she can't help it, so for now she will scroll until she either feels satisfied or like she wants to pull out her hair.

after all that the norwegian wonders to herself what went wrong between you two; she already knows that answer. it was her. it was all her fault, but still it's fun to wonder how it would have been if you two had stayed together. if ingrid wasn't scared out of her mind of public scunity. god she hates the what if's that cloud her mind after seeing you happy with your new girlfriend for the ninth time that week.

sometimes, even though her therapist warned her that it could slow down the work ingrid has been doing on herself, ingrid thinks about a different reality. where you and her had an actual happy relationship that was public. you two would be loved by the public. living a great life together and when you two retire y'all would decide to adopt a little girl. the norwegian is unsure of what name you two would have picked out, but it would be gorgeous just like you. that faraway dream always ends with you two living out the rest of y'all's retired days in norway in a quiet neighborhood.

what she would do for that to be true is something she doesn't want to think about. ingrid still hates herself sometimes for what happened, but slowly you are leaving her life fully; and surprisingly she's not even sad about it. actually she welcomes it. those months of therapy are working their magic on her.

REMEMBER?

REMEMBER THE NIGHT IN MIAMI?

FIRST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ARMS

AROUND ME

I'M UP REMINISCIN' (OOH, YEAH)

AND THINKING 'BOUT YOU ISN'T HELPING

THINKING 'BOUT YOU DOESN'T TELL ME

WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO IF I

DECIDE TO FACE THE TRUTH

IT COULD'VE BEEN RIGHT, BUT I WAS WRONG

ONLY THINK 'BOUT YOU WHEN I'M ALONE

YOU ONLY HIT ME UP WHEN SHE'S NOT HOME

AND THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET CAUGHT UP

WE COULD'VE BEEN

AND WE TRY TO PRETEND

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN

WE DON'T DREAM ABOUT, DON'T

THINK ABOUT WHAT

WE COULD'VE BEEN (OH YEAH)

THOUGH I'M HOLDING IT IN

'CAUSE I KNOW IN THE END

YOU DREAM ABOUT, I THINK ABOUT WHAT

WE COULD'VE, WE COULD'VE BEEN

WHAT WE COULD'VE BEEN, WE COULD'VE BEEN

ingrid doesn't know when, but sometime after she hit the sixth month of therapy she started to move on from you. something she never thought she would be doing, but she also didn't think you would ever leave either or that she would be in therapy these days so ingrid got used to the surprises that invaded her life.

slowly her heart started to wander towards someone else. a certain tattooed spaniard whose smile sends shivers down her spine; mapi.

ingrid doesn't know when the lines between friendship and love started to blur with mapi, but they did. the spainard was someone she went to when everything got too overwhelming and her therapist's hours were closed. clinging to mapi's waist as her head rests on the defender chest. "sometimes i just feel so stuck you know.. like all my progress wasn't worth it," the norwegian mumbles. mapi's hands rub soft circles on her lower back as she listens. taking in every word ingrid says. "you're never stuck, life always has to move on. just try your best every time, ingrid" she says softly. that's how it always was when mapi comforted ingrid and frankly, the norwegian loves it.

their friendship wasn't always that close. back when you left, ingrid had isolated herself socially. she would go to outings with the team and her little cover-up boyfriend, but she wasn't talking as much as she usually was or drinking or just being her usual self. then after the third month of therapy ms. alcaraz helped her understand that isolation doesn't help anything and that she needs a support system, so ingrid started to go back into being more social. it really did help along with all the therapy she was doing.

then she just started to gravitate towards mapi. it was something alluring and fun about the defender. and it was the same for mapi. she thought ingrid was gorgeous since the first day they met, but never got a chance to get close to her. with ingrid's attention on her, mapi finally found the opportunity to become friends. maybe even more.

only a few weeks of this closeness and it bled into something more. ingrid would be scared of how fast things are going usually, this is how you two's mess of a relationship started, but her therapist has told her to welcome new things. not to run away from the things she wants anymore.

she wants mapi.

ingrid refused to let this new situation stay the way it is. she wanted a relationship, not a messy situationship. since she was the problem in you two's relationship, ingrid decided to be the one to start off on the right foot in this new one.

"can i take you out?" the norwegian asks one day while mapi was cooking some dinner in ingrid's apartment while wearing her pajamas; yeah this had to become something official sooner rather than later. they're already in too deep.

mapi gives her a quick glance over her shoulder, a small smirk on her lips. she just shrugs as she goes back to cooking. "i would love that," mapi says. bringing the freshly cooked food still in the pan over to the table. "i have plates you know" ingrid says playfully as she smiles. mapi rolls her eyes playfully as she turns back to the counter to grab two forks from the drawer. "we don't need them, chica" the spaniard chuckles as she sits down at the table. scooting her chair closer to ingrid's until their legs touch.

the warmth of the first bite was just like the warmth ingrid has been on the receiving end of. mapi is warm like the sun; an overwhelming presence that fills any room it steps in. mapi is ingrid's star and hopefully her only star for the rest of their lives.

the week after is when they decide to go out. it's on a sunday which has officially become their day since the two footballers always hang out on that day especially. spending the whole day together while doing mundane things. however this one was extra special, because they were going out instead of staying in.

ingrid stands in front of the floor length mirror in her living room. checking out the blue silk dress she decided to wear with black heels to match. is too formal? ingrid thinks to herself. she isn't able to dwell more on the topic as a knock at the door interrupts her thoughts.

mapi.

a smile already reaches the norwegian's face as she walks over to her front door. opening it to see a nicely dressed mapi. the spainard put on a black dress, similar to ingrid's. "didn't think we would be matching, bonita," mapi chuckles as she takes in ingrid's look. she looks gorgeous. mapi gets a bit distracting as she checks out ingrid before looking back at the woman's face. "huh? sorry. you're just too beautiful right now," mapi smiles.

"oh? more than usual?" ingrid jokes as she gestures for mapi to come inside. closing the door behind them before walking over to her couch to grab her jacket and purse. "hm of course not. you always look amazing. i just couldn't stop my eyes from wandering, that's all," mapi says as she leans against the door. smiling once ingrid turns back around and smiles back at her.

"let's go, bonita" the spainard says as she grabs ingrid's hand. interlocking it with hers. then they leave out of the door. a burst of giggles leaving them both as ingrid almost trips over her heels.

the rest of the night is full of happiness like that. the two footballers go out for dinner firstly then some ice cream for dessert and a small walk around the streets to end it off.

ingrid smiles at mapi as they stand in front of mapi's car. their date is sadly coming to an end and spending the night together wasn't in the question; can't go too fast. "can i kiss you?" mapi says softly as their hands interlock, swinging slightly. "i don't know, can you, maria?" mapi just laughs at ingrid's words before pulling her into a short kiss.

after savoring the moment, the two pull away from each other. shy smiles sitting on both of their lips. ingrid pecks mapi's cheek before letting go of her hand and running off to go inside her apartment building. mapi just chuckles as she watches ingrid run into the building.

ingrid's still smiling once she gets inside of her apartment. she couldn't believe how well the date went. those fears of possibly fucking up another relationship fade away as she changes out of her dress. kicking off her heels that been hurting her feet since they had ice cream.

as she slips into the shower, darker emotions cloud her mind. why does she suddenly feel guilty? those burning feelings of regret claw at her conscience as the hot water hits her body.

does she deserve to move on? after all the hurt she caused you, did she deserve to be happy with someone else?

the norwegian thinks back on you two's first unofficial date. with you both being too shy to call it an actual date; just calling it a simple hangout. it was a festival happening around this time in barcelona so of course you had to bring ingrid out there. that night was full of laughter and fun with it ending with a sweet kiss done near the beach. ingrid sometimes wonder what would have happened if she would have just asked you to be her girlfriend right after that moment. if she would have let your situation turn into an actual relationship. if she would had gone public with you on her social media months into the situationship like she did with that cover-up. would things be different? would you have been here right now and this night of fun of mapi would have never existed? for some reason ingrid frowns just thinking about that possibility.

in the past, all she wanted was to go back and fix everything so you two could be together in the present. however, now after her date with mapi she didn't want that. would it really have been better? the teenage puppy love feelings that were coursing through her isn't the same as the feelings she felt with you. the fear of being known tainted whatever love that was between you two.

it doesn't matter anymore. let it go. ingrid thinks to herself as she shuts off the water before stepping out of the shower. she looks at herself in the mirror as she dries her hair. she's done. ingrid realizes she has finally done it.

she has fallen out of love with you. out of love with constantly feeling the regret and guilt. ingrid is over you and ready to move onto more things in her life. ones that don't involve overthinking constantly about what she's done to you.

ingrid has forgiven herself.

that was the night ingrid blocked your instagram and deleted your number.

WHAT WE COULD'VE BEEN, YEAH

WHAT WE COULD'VE BEEN

AYY

WHAT WE COULD'VE BEEN

WHAT WE SHOULD'VE BEEN

IF I WASN'T, IF I WASN'T WITH SOMEBODY

IF YOU GOTTA HIDE IT, WHAT'S

THE POINT OF TRYING?

I AIN'T JUST YOUR FRIEND, NO, WHAT'S

THE POINT OF LYING?

TRYA SELL A STORY AIN'T NOBODY BUYIN'

LOOK ME IN MY EYES, DON'T THAT FEEL NICE?

WHY SHOULD IT END? BABY I COULD'VE BEEN

I COULD'VE BEEN HIM, MORE

THAN YOUR FRIEND

JUST SAY WHERE AND WHEN, WHERE

TO MAKE A TRIP

BABY, MAKE A WISH, BE THE ONE I'M WITH

SHOULD'VE BEEN A, SHOULD'VE, COULD'VE,

WOULD HAVE BEEN, AYY

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN (DAMN)

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN (YEAH)

DAMN, DAMN (COULD'VE BEEN)

YEAH, WE COULD'VE BEEN (OH NO)

around four months later, after officially getting together with mapi, ingrid decides to face her biggest fear. the one that toppled you two's relationship.

she posts a photo of mapi kissing her on the cheek on her instagram. cutting off her phone the moment it's posted, she may not be scared of having a public lesbian relationship anymore but still she didn't want to look at the comments.

nearly a full year of therapy has changed her into a much better person and girlfriend. the teasing comments from her teammates about them not knowing she was into girls weren't as frightening as she thought they would be. the online discussion about the reveal of mapi and her relationship was more positive than she expected.

oh, it really was just the fear holding her back.

it has been months upon months since ingrid had last seen you and she was fine with keeping it that way. of course she knew eventually you two would see each other somewhere. the women's football world is only so big with most women footballers being around each other at the same events and campaigns. however she didn't think it would be so soon.

she had been invited to an event by puma for their new campaign with puma athletes. it was later on during the event when ingrid spots you. one moment she's eating peacefully on her pasta and the next she's looking up to see your eyes on her.

what..?

she doesn't remember you being a puma athlete. perhaps that partnership happened after she blocked your instagram. god, now all that pasta is about to come up out of her throat. ingrid wants to run and run until this night is just a distant memory, but she doesn't. because ingrid is a different woman now. she doesn't run away from her fears now, she faces them.

the eye contact between you two doesn't last long as you look away. ingrid's throat feels like it's collapsing in on itself as she stands up and heads towards the bathroom.

as the norwegian throws some water on her face before looking up in the mirror. you come into the bathroom, warily standing next to the door as you look at her. "i didn't expect to see you again," you say softly. ingrid gives you a glance before sighing. this was a chance to at least give you an apology.

"y/n, i'm so sorry. for everything. i ruined something that could have been great and i treated you horribly. you didn't deserve that.." ingrid says as she looks at her, trying to see your reaction. you stay silent as you gesture for her to continue. "i was so afraid and needed so much help. i'm sorry it took you being hurt enough to leave for me to get it. i been doing therapy for months now and i am a way better person now," ingrid gives you an apologetic smile, "just know it was all me. never you. everything that happened was never your fault, y/n."

silence fills up the room as she finishes talking. you just blankly stare at her. it unnerves her, but it's okay. she's ready to see whatever reaction you will give.

"i don't forgive you.." are the words that come out of your mouth. ingrid just nods; it's understandable after all she's done to you. "but i'm glad you got help. finally," you say. she can tell you are being genuine with your tone.

the two of you look at each other before you turn and leave the bathroom. ingrid leaves out a bit after. heading back to her table feeling lighter than before.

she didn't get forgiveness, but you acknowledged how much work she has done. that's all she needed.

author notes: LMAOO it took me so long to finish this, but it's done. so basically i made another version of this part where ingrid is a little less sane in the head and also i plan to make a part 3 focused on the reader. which will be the last part (unless i change my mind), so if y'all could vote on what y'all want me to post first please do.

[longlostzoldyck]

peach

✦ tengen uzui x f!reader

✦ 3k words, minors dni

✦ warnings/ tags: smut, slight angst, discussion of body insecurities, plus size! reader, fingering, head (f receiving), p in v, excessive use of pet names, slight dumbification

✦ summary: tengen comforts you when you're having issues with body insecurities

✦ notes: can't believe i've been writing this on and off for a year and i finally finished it. hope i can force myself to write and post soon again. just know i'm trying my best xx thea

m.list

today was supposed to be a perfect day. tengen had gotten you this beautiful light pink lingerie set, paired with white garters and stockings for valentine's day and you had been dying to wear it but hadn't found the perfect occasion... until this morning.

tengen would be off for the day, having to spend most of his day training even when he was back home. this was perfect for you though. you'd have the morning to sleep in and then get all dolled up for your loving husband only for him to return and unwrap his present.

however, what was supposed to be a perfect day was quickly ruined when you tried on your new lingerie, fidgeting with the bra and pantie. you sigh, your eyes glued to your tummy on full display, hanging slightly over the white trim of your lacy pink underwear.

you pinch the skin wishing it away with a simple tug then flicking your eyes to your thighs and arms drooping at your sides. you try your best to readjust yourself in the beautiful underwear which made you feel like you could only pale in comparison. your eyes keep flicking between your stomach, thighs, and arms slowly shrinking in the mirror before you. before you know it there are tears running down your cheeks and neck.

as soon as tengen returned home, he was calling your name, expecting you to giddily jump down the stairs to welcome him home. his smile quickly turned into a frown though as more time passed and he still found himself waiting.

he finally makes his way upstairs, calling your name softer now, fearing he might have caught you napping. he didn't find you in your bedroom though and now he was sure something was wrong. he could have heard your sniffling even without his increased hearing, but it makes him launch himself to your side needing to protect you from whatever had done you any harm.

he finds you in your shared closet, knees to your chest and backed against a wall. he could sense no sign of danger, but knows you were in some kind of pain. you were crying. something has to be wrong.

"peach, i'm here," tengen's tone comes out barely above a whisper as to not startle you. you flick your eyes up to meet his, shocked he was inches from you. you didn't even hear him arrive, much less notice him enter the room. "tell me what's wrong, my love."

he pushes back some of your hair back softly then cleaning the stray tears still littering your cheeks. you instantly retreat back into your body hiding your face back between your knees. he, however, pulls you into his chest wrapping his arms around you, holding you in his tight embrace as you sniffle into his shirt slowly calming down your breathing.

"i'm sorry, my love. this wasn't how today was supposed to go," before you could even finish your apology, tengen is already having none of it.

"no apologies. just breathe for me, darling, and you can tell me what's wrong," he cooes, rubbing your arm softly grounding you back to reality as you clean your face over and over again.

you sit together in silence for a moment as you slowly compose yourself, taking deep breaths and focusing on his touch against your skin. nobody would have expected the flashy sound hashira to be capable of such level of gentleness.

"i don't mean to be quiet. i just... i don't even know what to say. you said no apologies," you break the silence suddenly, flicking your eyes up to meet his. there was so much adoration in those pink eyes you could almost drown in it.

"take a breathe and tell me what's wrong, peach. i'm here to listen," he responds calmly. "i just came home early to find you hidden and crying in our closet."

"i just... i tried on your present and was really excited about it, but i hate how they look on me," you admit, honestly quite embarrassed that your husband had found you crying over something so trivial as clothes. "sounds so stupid..."

"not stupid at all, love."

"you always know what to say," you respond pulling a smile on his handsome face. he brings one of your hands up to his lips pressing a soft kiss to the back. "i just... today was supposed to be perfect and just..."

you keep starting sentences not even knowing how to end them. tengen had heard you say things like things about your body before. he knows you struggle with loving your body at times which he would never understand. he found himself too obsessed with your curves and soft skin to see any problems with the body he reveres with such adoration.

he could never understand why you would want to change a single thing. despite not understanding your feelings, he would listen attentively to you whenever you needed to rant or cry before showering you with all his love and adoration.

"do you want to try to explain to me what happened again?," he asks once you were calmly breathing against his chest. you nod sitting back up properly to meet his gaze again much calmer this time.

"i told you... just don't like how it looks on me," you respond simply.

"can i see?," he asks, tone so gentle. it was a tone reserved for you, his beloved wife, the woman that brought him to his knees with just a smile.

you nod, both pulling away from each other as your hands travel to your robe. you untie the front letting it slowly drop from your shoulders to expose the bra. his eyes move down to your chest unable to look away from how your breasts practically spilled out of the lacy cups.

his eyes eat you up trying to commit every detail to memory, enamored by the way the light pink lace laid on top of your skin. you shrink slightly under his gaze, suddenly becoming self-conscious and pushing your arms back forward in an attempt to hid.

"no need to be so shy, peach. you look breathtaking...," he cooes softly taking the edges of your robe and pushing it down your arms to reveal more of your body to him, tummy barely hidden under the material as it pools at your waist. "would eat you up if you let me."

"you're crazy," you respond with a small smile.

"crazy for you, my love," you share a sweet smile as his large hands gently cup your face bringing you in for a slow and sweet kiss.

he smiles against your lips as he manages to slip his tongue into your mouth, getting his first taste of you. he quickly leaves you breathless and dizzy on his tongue, only shrieking loudly when he hooks his arm under your knees easily carrying you to your shared bedroom. he was determined to make you see the beauty he sees.

he softly lays you on your shared bed before standing up properly to shed his clothes before returning to bed with you. you sit up on your elbows to properly look at your husband who remains at the foot of the bed. when he dropped you on the bed, your robe had fallen to your sides exposing your entire body to him.

he couldn't peel his hungry gaze away from your newly exposed skin, needing to take in every inch of you. starting at your knee, he proceeds to kiss up your body, slowly covering you in the softest kisses, lips barely grazing against your skin.

he's determined to cover every inch of you in his kisses, but still lingers on his favorite parts, which were also the ones you resent the most. he lingers on your thighs, hips, stomach, arms until he finally nibbles on your collarbones and shoulders. his loving touches are accompanied by the sweetest of compliments, adoring words decorating his gentle touch.

"just wanna eat you up, peach," he mumbles messily against your jaw before moving down to your neck as his adept hands easily get rid of your robe. "just so delicious. can't help myself."

"tengen," you moan his name, letting out a sigh and running your hands through his platinum hair to pull him even closer.

"yes, my darling?," he asks with a cocky smile. tengen just loves making you tell him exactly what you wanted him to do to you. he loves seeing you all flustered after detailing every single little thing you wanted him to do to you. "gotta hear you use your pretty words, peach. you know i love hearing you."

"tengen...," you groan as he nibbles on the column of your neck. "need you... please"

he chuckles against your skin, still not content with your answer, but happily sucking on the sweet spot on your neck making it even harder for you to think. you whine loudly against his lips, trying to make sense of all your thoughts.

"please... break me and put me back together," you barely whisper unable to put more words together without whining embarrassingly loud. "tengen..."

"i know baby girl, i know," he cooes before coming back up to your lips for a moment, messily pushing his tongue into your mouth to taste you again. "need to stretch you out a little, my darling."

his fingers graze your inner thighs and you instantly shudder against his touch, your back arching against him at the soft contact. he chuckles softly against your lips at how your body reacts to him. his fingers slowly dance down your thighs, kissing the skin as his fingers disappear under your frilly underwear. your moans mix together as he slides a fingers against your little bundle of nerves, rubbing small circles.

"feel so good, peach," his words go directly to your pussy as your sighs start turning to whines. "so wet for me already."

he taps your bundle of nerves, drawing a gasp from your lips. that mischievous smile you adored decorated his sharp features as you crumble under his touch. rubbing little circles around your clit, tengen cages your body under his, muffling all your noises with his lips and tongue.

"fuck tengen," you moan embarrassingly loud as you roll your hips, rubbing your clit against tengen's digits.

"such a good girl," he bites down on your bottom lip rutting his growing erection against your thigh.

it takes everything in him to not rip the small excuse for underwear off of you, instead tugging the pink thong down your legs in a swift instant. he finally slides a single finger inside of you, slowly rubbing your delicious walls. he can't help but stare and smile at how your body reacts to his touch. in his eyes there is nothing more beautiful than your blissed out smile and lustful eyes.

as he slides another finger inside of you, you try to close your thighs around his hand. tengen chuckles softly, causing goosebumps to form on your skin as he holds your legs apart with ease.

"you gotta keep those pretty thighs open for me, peach," he reminds you as his thumb returns to rub tight little circles on your clit. your head falls back as the pleasure stretches across your body. “just like that, baby.”

the large smile on his face makes your pussy flutter around his fingers, unable to look away from the eyes you adored so much. the closer to your high you get, the less you can think. just when you think you can't take anymore, tengen rubs your clit faster while adding another finger into your blossoming pussy, leaving you digging your nails and clutching on to him for dear life.

“can’t go quiet on me now darling,” you can feel his cocky smile against your neck as he bites down on your skin, starting his newest mark. “can’t let you cum till i hear your pretty little gasps and moans.”

the sound hashira demands for you to let go of any inhibitions, knowing you were teetering on your high. your moans and gasps fill the room at his request needing to feel your release. every flutter of your pussy around his fingers has him rutting his rock hard cock against you even more, making you feel the effect you have on him.

"need to cum... please," you practically beg at this point, barely unable to hold back your orgasm. "please tengen..."

"you've been so good, peach. cum for me."

your thighs instinctively try to clamp shut around tengen's hand, but he easily holds them open watching as you cum on his fingers. he stares hungrily as your sweet honey slowly covers his digits. with your mind so lost in pleasure you barely even notice when he pulls his fingers out of you only to replace them with his mouth.

he laps up every drop of your essence as if he'd never have the chance to taste you again. his tongue brings you to a whole new level of pleasure leaving you thrashing in his tight grip, your abused clit pulsating from his attention.

every lick and suck borders on too much, but he drags you right back to the very precipice of another orgasm. finally gaining an ounce of your strength back, all you can manage is to dig your fingers through his white locks. you pull him even tighter against your sex dragging his tongue back and forth against your clit.

before you even allow yourself, your body is thrown into another orgasmic bliss. tengen's obscene noises are drowned out by your own screams of pleasure as you ride each wave of fiery bliss on his tongue.

"you're so gorgeous when you cum," he mumbles as he kisses your mound softly before making his way up your body leaving the most gentle kisses in his place. his angel soft kisses are such a contrast from the harsh licks and sucks he was just submitting your body to. "can you still give me one more, peach?"

he asks against your lips, drawing your attention back to him and his body barely hovering above yours. you nod before reaching up to capture his lips in yours for a passionate kiss, letting you taste yourself on his lips. yours moans mix together quickly turning your kiss into a messy battle.

"tengen please...,"you say breathlessly as you run your nails down his back drawing out a sinful moan from your delectable husband.

"you know i can never say no to you, peach," he says as he sinks his cock into your still dripping cunt.

hooking your leg over his shoulder, he pushes himself into your sex, practically growling from how you squeeze his cock. tengen's cock was like nothing you had experienced before. his sheer size was impressive, but it was his thickness that drove you wild, letting him rub spots you didn't even know existed.

he takes one of your hands interlacing your fingers as he sheaths his cock all the way inside you. an intimate quiet moment, before he drags his cock all the way out only to sink it back in and out over and over. you can barely keep up with his pace as he pushes himself somehow deeper until he's kissing your cervix with each thrust.

"doing so well for me peach," he praises between his moans, pace faltering slightly from how delicious you felt, pussy all stretched around his cock.

unable to rid himself of your bra without tearing it in an instant, he instead pushes it down to reveal your breasts jerking with each of his powerful thrusts. his lips instantly latch on to one of your nipples, chuckling against your breast as your back arched off the bed, filling his mouth even more.

your mind is numb already, unable to focus on anything other than how exhilarating your body feels, especially when he rubs that spot over and over and over again. you can only react by digging your nails into his back, piercing his skin with the signs of your affection.

"you like that don't you, peach?," tengen asks, growling again when he feels your sex squeezing his cock over and over when he angles it a certain way. "that gorgeous mind of yours empty, huh?"

his free hand tightens around your jaw to force your eyes to his as he slams into you over and over again. the moment he pushes his thumb into your mouth, you suck on it feverishly drool covering his digit and slowly dripping out of your mouth only for him to smear it across your lips again. his thrusts become more erratic chasing his high as he stares at the beautiful being under him consumed by her lust, lost in his adoration.

"with me, peach," he moans, harsh thrusts pushing you closer and closer to your shared high. "together."

as soon as you nod, he goes back to angling his cock to only rub against your sensitive spot. you aren't sure who came first, clinging on to each other as you rode your intense highs. his sparkling rose eyes are first things you meet when you're able to open your own. the pure adoration in them is something you'd never become accustomed to. he loved entirely, purely and absolutely.

"whatcha thinking about so much peach?," he asks ever so softly brushing his fingers through your hair.

"just you, as always my love," you tease, drawing out a whole hearted chuckle from him.

"glad you can still look at me like that after i tore your new underwear," he points out, making you notice he had in fact torn the bra when he tugged it down.

"we both know you'll buy me more."

"i'll stare at my gorgeous wife in every piece of clothing or none all the same," he seals his declaration with another searing kiss, but you knew he meant those words. you had enough torn clothes to prove it.

[jellyvibes710]

I'm aliveeee (Little Baby Blue AU)

So I made a thing! It took forever but I did it! I'm not the best with shading or backgrounds but I really like how these came out and I really hope you enjoy!!

This comic series will take event after the movie, it will be heartwarming but also painful, there will be some trigger warning ⚠ for some of the parts as well

The first few parts will be twin angst because I can't help myself, but dee will be doing his best to get leo better but as the weeks progress he's getting worse and worse till he eventually falls into a coma, around this time dee realizes that Leo's body isn't going to make it so he uses his big brain to come up with a plan to just make a clone of leo then transfer his soul to the Clone. He'll have to make a deal with big mama to get the right thing to accomplish this task, then leo flatlines for the first time. Although the first few parts are gonna be dark especially for the twins, traumatic for donnie because he's racing against a clock that's getting smaller and smaller, hearing his brother flatline multiple times and having to do more damage to his already fragile body just to bring him back, his twin senses were only sensing inpending doom from his dying twin, feeling a snap every time leo heart stops, hearing raph and mikey cry and bang at the door when they also heard him flatline, he didn't sleep the entire time and when he did it was brief, and having no choice but to put Leo's spirt in not only a copy of his body but a baby sized one because he knew if leo flatlined one more time he wouldn't bounce back from it, and in the back of his head he knew either way leo was going to have to relearn how to walk and talk because not only is his body demolished but his brain was scrambled and he was showing clear signs of heavy brain trauma BEFORE he slipped into a coma then when he does pull Leo's soul out (thank big mama for that tool) his spirt let's out a cry that'll haunt donnies mind forever.

It'll be traumatic for leo because last he knew he was drifting to sleep and now suddenly he's smaller, his vision is blurred so his environment is unfamiliar and dispute his twin senses he couldn't physically tell donnie was there with him but he knew donnie was scared, he couldn't hear anything because his ears were ringing so loud in his head that he couldn't hear donnies constantly apologizing as he has to pin leo down, make sure all his reflects are responsive, shine bright light in his face (which he did NOT like), leo was so scared that he was trembling and crying so loud donnie was glad he soundproofed the lab, it took hours for his sight and hearing to return to normal and the first thing he sees is a destroyed/very drained Dee, an image that'll linger in his head probably forever, but seeing him made leo immediately want to cling to donnie but he realized he couldn't even control his body the way he wanted which scared him and when donnie finally picked leo up and clung to him, he felt so small and vulnerable but he felt safe scooped up in Dee's hands which were warm from his constant fidgeting and rubbing his hands together, and if dee had to set leo down even for a moment he'd spirl into fear and start crying again because everything felt so fake but being held really grounded him to earth and kept his mind calm, for a few days he can't even tell if everything is real or not. Donnie doesn't even let mikey and raph see leo the first few days of being a baby because sadly it was donnies only option, either make a clone and put his brother's spirt in that or he dies and he'd have no way to see him again, he almost doesn't even make it and had to do cpr on leo two or three times while creating the clone and Leo's body was so damaged that each time he'd do cpr he'd have less and less time

It took just under a week for dee to build confidence to show everyone leo and explain why it was his only option, which everyone was clearly mad but understood the reasoning, dee also noticed that when he wore his ninja gear leo was constantly on edge and clearly stressed hence why everyone isn't wearing their gear to let leo kinda know that he doesn't have to worry, of course dee is the first to go back into his ninja gear because he feels like he needs to be ready for anything especially now that leo is so fragile, they gave a proper grave to Leo's old body since there wasn't anything they could do to save it. Then it's LOT of family bonding time and healing, mentally and emotionally for everyone, so it's gonna be heartwarming(hopefully) and also have its pained moments. I already did a few short comics with baby leo because I was mostly bored and I started building a story in my head and now I'm just kinda starting it >.>

This comic will be like dark chocolate, sweet but bitter

Or sour patch kids, sour sweet gone lmao

Who'll be in the comic? Everyone

I'm super excited to finally be getting started on this au and I really hope everyone enjoys it 💖

(Bonus)Some lil details I added while thinking of a storyline;

no matter how big and intimating mikey made himself look for the part you can tell that he's being super gentle with leo because he knows he naturally stronger in general then the rest of his bros, although while playing dead with leo was fun, when leo played along and flopped over it hit mikey just how close he was to actually losing his brother, small details with big impacts :]

Like- I-- just- just look at this picture, you can see the absolute care in his touch, the protective way he holds lil leo close while his face just screams "I won't let you get hurt again" and the realization of what it means to be an older brother and finally understanding raphs own overprotective tendency, mikey will definitely grow from this experience and his and raph because super close because of it, so there will be plenty of the sunset duo (I love this picture)

(Bonus #2 because I didn't sleep worth shit while working on this whole thing)

MORE BABY LEO HERE (interdiction)

HERE (Raphs/baby leo playtime)

AND HERE (mikey/babyleo + donnie/babyleo playtime)

But wait, there's more (April meets little leo)

Characters and (rough) story

Little baby blue AU

[allkordelia]

Keep Me Near Your Heart VII

It didn't take long for me and aemond to get to our shared chamber, the air was filled with a sense of melancholia and anticipation. As we made our way into our solar passing Ser Krey, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of unease. My heart felt too heavy and my chest felt like someone was squeezing it, I put my hand on my belly rubbing it trying to calm myself down, and return my baby kicked making my heart feel less heavy.

Once we were in our chamber, Aemond wasted no time in taking me to bed. I tried to push the uneasiness from my mind as we lay together, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. However, before long, the exhaustion of the day caught up with me, and the unsettling feeling slowly started to drift into the back of my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to find myself alone in the bed. It took a moment for me to realize that Aemond was gone, and another moment for my worries to turn into anger. Feeling stupid for letting myself be fooled by Aemond's outward displays of affection, I toss the sheets and covers aside, sliding out of bed, to find and confront my husband. I pushed open the door, turning my head to look around the solar, a small hope that he would be there reading or sleeping on a settee, but nope, he was not there either.

I shook my head angrily and stalked towards the door, I slammed my fist into the door knocking trying to get the knights on the other side's attention, I paused waiting before going back to banging on the doors.

"Open this fucking door, right now. Or I swear to The Mother, you will have hell to pay--" Before I could finish my threat the door opened revealing Ser Krey, I glared at him, "Where is he?" I asked making the other man look hesitant before answering.

"Who--"

"Don't." I grit making Krey press his lips together, "Where is my husband." I asked again. 

Krey opened and closed his mouth as no one came out, the longer he stood there rambling like a fool, the longer my anger mounted. When no one words that could dwindle my feelings, I grab the neck of his chest plate making Krey's words fade away as he is brought to my eye level.

"Take me to my husband or I'll call my dragon to do." My threat hung in the air, and Krey's eyes flickered between mine as he thought, I let go of him when he finally nodded his head making him stand straight.

"I take you to him, my lady."                            

「                            ⊹₊♚₊⊹                           」

Krey was ahead of me as he led me through the halls, I rubbed my fingers together nervously.

What was I going to say? Was this a good idea, maybe I should go back.

I stopped at the thought before the uneasiness from earlier came back, a flutter in my tummy making me put my hand on my stomach feeling my baby move around. A warm feeling spread in my chest when I felt the baby kick, I looked down to the floor as tears welled in my eyes.

Something in me is telling me to turn back to go back to my chamber and forget about Aemind and whatever he is doing. But, how could I when he lied to me and used me, after he promised me she didn't mean anything, why was I so stupid to trust that he meant what he said, I shook my head angrily as the warm feeling turned cold in my heart, he lied he doesn't care about me or our baby? He never cared. I hate him.

"My lady?" I glance up at Krey as he stands at the end of the hall watching me with an unreadable look.

"...coming," I say softly, before continuing as he turns a corner.

A ping of fear plucked at my heart before a wave of anger and bitterness washed it. I was going to give him a piece of my mind, and after that, I will never speak to him again and I will make my sole mission that doesn't come near me or my baby.

I look around not knowing where we are, we are close to the queen's chamber you know that for sure, but what would Aemond be doing here?

"His chamber, m'lady." I look over at Ser Krey as he stands in front of me, he steps aside, revealing a black door with a dragon as a handle.

So, this is where he takes her, what an obvious place. He didn't even try to find a secure location to hide his infidelity, that bastard, that horrible cheating manipulative bastard.

A growl rambles through my chest, as I glare at the door where my supposed 'loving' husband is supposed to be. I move past Ser Krey with such haste that it takes him a moment to go after me and stop me from banging on Aemond's door, I turn my glare to Krey as he looks down at me with an unsure look.

"Are you sure about this, m'lady?" He asks low, making me furrow my brows.

"Of course, I am, why wouldn't I be?" I questioned angrily, Krey gave me a worried look.

"I just...think you should think about what you about to do," I frown a bit at the concern in her voice, "I just fear that whatever is behind that door, you might get hurt or worse your baby." I quirk a brow at him, why does he care if I get hurt or not, I knock his hand from my elbow and stare at him remembering what he did.

"Don't pretend to care about me." He frowns down at me.

"I do care about you, princess--" He starts.

"Shut up! Your loyalty lies with my husband, and that bastard, Ser Cole." He looks at me taken back, "Yes, I know that you took his side over mine, and lied to my husband for him." Ser Krey looks away from me with guilt and shame written on his face.

"I had no choice, Ser Ashford--"

"I don't care." I said making him look at me, "Because you weren't where you were supposed to be, I lost my baby and I had to live with that every day, " I croaked, Ser Krey looked at me with pleading eyes, he looked like he wanted to say something but choose again it.

"I...I'm sorry, m'lady."

I snarl keeping my bottom lip from trembling, "Too late, now get out of my way." I said elbowing past him, I stalked towards Aemond's door.

I stopped, putting my ear close to the door to see if I could hear anything, it was quiet, so I stepped closer pressing my ear to the door hoping to hear better. When I didn't hear anything I pulled back with a frown, maybe I was wrong, maybe was reckless and went for a walk, he was probably back in our chamber--

"Aemond," A sultry voice of a female thrill, loud enough to be heard through the door.

My heart clenched when I heard deep laughter that you never heard from Aemond fill the air before a familiar deep groan replaced it, my stomach churned feeling like I was going to throw up, I swallowed down the lump in my throat and started banging on the door.

I heard a hushed whisper, when the door didn't open I banged again with both fists, clenching my jaw to keep from yelling not wanting to give away that it was me. It took a minute before the door opened, I watched Aemond peek out but before he could register it was me. I shoved the door open causing him to stumble back as I made my way into his chamber, I looked around it was very aemond, everything was black or grey and there were books along with scrolls scattered on his desk.

"Jaenara." I ignored Aemond's shock and whipped around to face his bed to find the person I was looking for.

The darker-haired woman looked at me with wide and fearful eyes, she was holding the covers against her chest but you could see her naked shoulder, I glanced at aemond to see he was not wearing a shirt. I look back at the woman, observing her features, she was pretty I give her that.

"Jaenara, what--" I turn on my heels and stalk towards the door.

Aemond moved to touch me but dodged his hand and walked out of the room, Ser Krey was standing in the hall still with a downcast look.

"Jaenara, where--wait." Aemond was behind me.

I felt his hand on my shoulder, I turned quickly without thinking and slapped my palm across his cheek causing him to snap his head to the right. I step back taking his hand off my shoulder, he looks at me with a mixture of shock and anger, making my anger build.

"Your dead to me." Aemond looked taken back by my words before he had appeared.

"We talk about this later." I shook my head turning away from him, walking away when spoke again, "Ser Krey, make sure my sweet wife gets escorted back to our chamber--" I whipped around as I got near Ser Krey

"The hell with you!" I seethe, and he just sneers at me, Ser Krey grabbed my shoulder before I could stalk back to my bastard I called my husband.

"M'lady, please. Do as he says." I shrugged his hand off me and turned from him to walk down the hall with my hand on my belly.

I took deep breaths as I walked, my body felt like it was about to shut down, and I bit my lip to prevent myself from exploding. The nerve of him, to have the guts to laugh in my face after I caught him, I should have listened to jacerys, I should have never allowed myself to trust him. I should never have allowed myself to love him, bastard.

I groan stopping feeling a stir in my belly, I leaned against the wall as pain shot through me.

"M'lady, are you alright?" Ser Krey asked behind me, I grit my teeth and nodded before pushing myself off the wall, a sudden wave of nausea hit making me stumble causing Ser Krey to latch his hands onto my waist to steady me, "M'lady, if you are not feeling well you must tell, and I'll go get the masters." I shook my head biting down on my tongue.

"I'm fine..." I grunt, "...just get me back to my chamber," I ordered.

Ser Krey uttered something under his breath, and before I knew it u were getting lifted off my feet. My arm shot up to wrap around Ser Krey's shoulder, shooting him a look as he carried me in his arms.

"I'm not crippled, you fool. Put me down I can walk--"

"Not risky it, m'lady." He says, as I hold onto his chest plate for dear life, he is quiet for a minute as he walks before finally speaking,"...I know you think I don't care about you but I do..." he starts, I sigh resting my head on his shoulder keeping my eyes on the wall, "...more than you think, don't ask me why, I just do, ever since I first meet you I have only wanted to protect you." I stayed quiet not entertaining this charade, "Just want you to know that from henceforth on, I will protect you and my loyalty will only lie with you, princess. Always." I could feel his nose brushing against my forehead as he looked at me, I closed my eyes ignoring him.

He can say whatever he wants, he will not trick me into believing he truly cares.                              

「                            ⊹₊♚₊⊹                           」

Ser Krey set me down once we were in the solar, Enith came out of my chamber with a worried look.

"Princess, you worried me to death, where were you." She asked coming to my side, before grabbing my hand, I glanced at her before looking away and taking my hand from her grasp.

"I'm going to bed." Enith frowned before I walked passed her, I heard whispering behind me but shut it out as I walked into my room.

I put my hand on the side of my belly and climbed onto the bed, I moved the pillow belonging to Aemond behind me as I lay perched there. I patterned my fingers on my belly waiting for Enith knowing she was going to have a lot of questions, I looked to my half-open door when I heard the main door closed and a pad of feet coming my way.

Enith walks in coming over to stand at the end of the bed with her hands clasped together.

"You scared me half to death, you know." She started low," Where did you go, jaenara." She asked, I glanced away from her, I didn't want to talk about it or even think about it, but how could I keep this to myself?

I want to tell her everything but can't, I thought finding out the truth would have made it easy for me not to love aemond. Even though I hated him with every fiber of my being, I still loved him even if he didn't care that I found out about his infidelity.

A storm of emotions swirling inside me, and before I knew it tears welled up in my eyes as my mind played the deep rambling of his laugh through the door. He never laughed around me, he barely even smiled my way, gods why did he marry me, I never did anything to him. It was nice. I was kind to him, was that not enough? What did I have to do to get him to look at me like that or to love me like he did her?

I was given a chance to be with her but he chose to give me more pain, I felt the weight of betrayal and heartbreak crushing me, and I broke down in sobs.

"Oh, my lady." Enith rushed over to me, I covered my face with my hands as I sobbed harder, in an instant I felt Enith wrap me in her embrace, "Please, my lady, tell me what happened. Was it the prince? Did he do something to you?" She accused holding me to her chest.

"He...He..." I couldn't get the words out, it was too painful to say out loud. I felt a rumble in Enith's chest as she growled.

"Curse him. Did he put his hands on you? I swear to gods, I'll kill him if he did, jaenara." I sniff, moving my hand to wipe at my cheek, I shifted so I could look up at Enith with a teary smile.

"I wish I was like you, You are so brave and so fearless." I sniff downcasting, "Maybe, if I was a little bit like you I wouldn't be in this mess." Enith sighs from above before caressing my hair.

"You shouldn't be in this mess in the first place, you deserve better than Aemond. You deserve someone who will love you back unconditionally, not someone who only thinks about themselves." She said softly as her hand moved between my hair and my back, I swallowed moving close to her.

"That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a while." Enith chuckles making me join her.

"That's not funny," Enith says.

"I know but it's better to laugh than to cry, right?" Enith hummed.

"Right."

Enith laid her cheek on the top of my head as she started humming, a sweet song that I heard her hum around the solar as she cleaned up. The song was smoothing, and rocked us gently, swaying as I slowly calmed down.

"Are you ready to tell me, what happened, m'lady?" Enith finally asked, I sniff rubbing my eyes before nodding.

Enith pulled back to look at me, her hands were on my forearm, gently massaging them.

"...I woke up alone after aemond put me to bed, I had an inkling at the celebration of why aemond was being distant..." I pressed my lips together feeling them them begin to tremble, "So, I had Ser Krey take me to him and..." I shook my head, thinking couldn't finish the sentence, I heard Enith sigh sadly as she moved her hands to squeeze minds.

"Oh, princess, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way. I truly thought he would have some heart to break it off before the baby came. " Enith says sympathetic.

I nod my head before stopping after realizing what she just said, I look at Enith as she stares at our hands.

"Wait..." Enith looks at me as I take my hands back, "...you knew about her?" I  asked, Enith gave me a guilty look, and my heart felt heavy again, "Oh my gods." I whispered, moving away from her and causing Enith to frown.

"Jaenara--"

"How long?" I asked looking down at my covers.

"My lady--" Enith reached her hand out to touch me but I moved further away from her and snapped my eyes at her.

"I said how long," I hissed making Enith look at me with sadness before looking away.

"Since her arrival." My eyes widen, thinking if she was telling the truth that would mean..." You knew for three weeks and didn't tell me." I accused getting off the bed to look at her, Enith looked ashamed.

"It didn't want to overwhelm you with such news--" I let out a bitter laugh.

"Overwhelmed me? Rather than telling me my husband has been fucking some...some harlot this whole time, you thought to keep it a secret." I saw, that everything in my body was shaky I was so mad that she kept this for me.

"I was trying to protect you." Enith defends.

"Protect me! Here I thought it was me. That I did something wrong, that I said something to drive him away. Oh, gods." My hands went into my hair clenching it as I started to pace, "I blamed myself for weeks on end, cried myself to sleep, and you knew the whole time that he has been lying with that woman." I shouted looking back at her, causing her to flinch.

"I'm sorry--" I grabbed the candle holder next to me and threw it across the room making it smash against the mirror in the corner.

"I am sick of hearing that. You are not. None of you are." I cried putting my hands on my chest as everything began to feel too much, "I thought you care about me. Trusted you." I weep.

"I do, m'lady. I do care about you, please you have to understand why I did it." Enith had tears falling down her cheeks, as she got up and made her way around she tried to get me to listen, and I glared at her angrily moving away.

"No! I don't have to listen to you. You don't care about me, you never did you were just another person to keep me under his thumb." Enith shakes her head as she denies my claims, "I don't want to hear it! I want you out of my sight." I screamed.

"Jaenara, please--" Enith begged, I shook my head and covered my ears.

"Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!" I repeated, "I hate you. I hate you all now. GET OUT." Enith duck as I threw one of my shoes at her. 

I march over to her and start pushing her towards the door, as zenith tries to reason with me, I feel a pain in my lower stomach but ignore it.

"I don't ever want to see you again." I gave her one last shove before shutting my door and slamming the lock in place to keep her out.

"Jaenara, please. Don't do this." Enith says, her voice muffled.

I put my back against the door, why was everybody against me, what did I do to deserve this life?

The pain from earlier returns but worse, I moan in pain as I bend over clenching my stomach. When the pain stopped I slowly made my way across the room, but before I could reach my bed another pain shot through me causing me to collapse. I tried to grab onto the settee but my hand slipped against it making me bump my side into the small table, knocking over a vase, causing a glass to break.

"Jaenara? What--What was that?" Enith called through the door, enith pulled at the handle frantically as she called my name again.

I was on my knees when I saw, the spots of blood on my nightgown. I whimper as I realize what is happening, I start to cry out as my body wreck in agony.

"Jaenara, please. Answer me." I only cried out harder in response as my baby tried to come into this world, "Guards! Ser Krey!" I took in deep breath, remembering what my mother did when she went into labor with Joffrey.

I used the little strength I had to crawl onto the settee to sit on the edge, I moaned clenching the cushions before parting my legs. I heard hurried footsteps before I heard Enith yelling, before being calmed down by Ser Krey. I flinch when the door banged as if someone ran into it, I look over at the door weakly as they do it again making the door shake.

I turn away as I suck in deep breaths, the baby was early and it was coming, rather I liked it or not. I lick my dry lips before biting down on my bottom lip, I push as I clench the cushions. I stopped taking a breather for a moment before pushing again, I couldn't help but let out a sharp yell as it felt like my body was being torn apart.

"Hold on, princess!" Ser Krey shouted through the door.

"Ahhh..." I yelled again as I pushed once again.

My legs shook when I felt pressure between them, I moved to drag my gown up over my knees as I got ready to hold my baby. I took in quick breath before pushing again, my painful groans soon turned into screams as I pushed as hard as I could.

My screams mixed with another's as I felt my baby slide out into my hands, I gasped before leaning back on the settee, and I chortled at my baby wailing. He was alive! I brought him closer and used my nightgown to wipe off the blood and grim before gazing at him. I mean her. It was a girl. Aemond wasn't going to be happy about this. 

Fuck him.

I don't care if his happy or not, I birth to a girl, my baby girl. My Visenya. I gazed down at her with wonder, she was small but not too small to worry, I brushed my hand over her head caressing it sweetly. I smiled widely when she opened her eyes, I could sense she was wondering where she was as she pulled the cutest face.

"Hello, beautiful." Visenya blinked slowly at me before her little arm reached up.

The door finally barged open making me look over it with frantic eyes, visenya started to cry again at the sudden loud noise. I looked down at her and held her to my chest, rocking her, trying to hush her cries.

"Gods be good." Ser Ashford said by the door.

"Oh, my lady." Enith's voice made me look over at her as she collapsed by my side.

"I'm calling her, Visenya," I said making Enith look from the baby to me, she gave a teary smile.

"A perfect name for the perfect baby." I smiled at that before looking down at my baby, "...jaenara, I am sorry for not telling you, I just...I just didn't want to stress you or baby, you have to understand that." I sigh moving my thumb to caress Visenya's cheek.

Before I was angry, mostly at aemond, and I took it out on Enith. I understand. If she had told me weeks ago, I'd probably have done what she said, stress myself out by putting me and my baby in harm's way. She was right to keep it from me, even though deep down I wish I knew, so I didn't have to waste time worrying about aemond and focus on getting him back.

"Thank you..." I look at her, "...I'm sorry too." Enith smiles at me before maester orwyle comes around.

"We must check the babe, princess." I looked at him warily, keeping a secure hand on my baby's back, "I promise you will get her back once you all rested up." I frown as he nears with wetnurses and servants, he takes a vial out of his robe with a milky substance in it, "...for the pain." He says handing it over to Enith, there was a stir in my gut that was telling me not to give him my baby,

"It's okay." I look at Enith, and she smiles at me making me feel less worried, "I'll be with her the whole time, and once you wake we will be the first you see." Enith held out the vial for me, I was hesitant for a minute before taking the vial out of her hand.

Enith gently grabbed the baby from me, and my heart clenched as Visenya let out a whimper. I watched as Enith stood up and followed maester Oswyle, soon Ser Krey came to stand by my side.

"Do you need help getting up, my lady?" I look at him before turning to watch Enith and the maester walk out of the room.

"No...I-I got it." I used the arm of the settee to get up, and Ser Krey's hand shot up to catch my arm before I stumbled. He removed his hand once I was steady, he put one arm around my waist as the other held my left hand, and he helped me to my bed.

I wince as I climb up on the bed with little assistance from Ser Krey, I settle against the headboard as Krey puts the covers over my middle.

"Don't forget your medicine, my lady." Krey says finally stepping back to look at me, I nod my head looking down at the vial in my hand, "You were so brave, princess." He says making me look at him, "I'm happy you okay." I hummed before looking at the vial.

"Thank you," I mumbled, I twisted the vial in my hand as I made Krey step away from my bed.

I sigh before uncorking the vial, I look over at the open door before turning my attention back to the vial. I took a deep breath before taking a sip of the poppy's milk, the taste was odd, I corked in the vial and set it on the side table. I sigh again, looking up at the ceiling, my body hurts but not as much as it did when I was pushing Visenya out. I squeeze my eyes shut before opening them, feeling them grow heavy, I blink up at the ceiling of my bed, focusing on the pattern of the fabric.

Slowly I could feel myself drifting off, the sounds around growing muffled, as I shut my eyes just to rest them for a few. The last thing I heard before I fell into a deep slumber, was a feminine voice that sounded gentle but slight edge.

[soullessjack]

actually i think Jack’s whole psychotic meltdown after killing Mary makes a lot more sense when you remember that this was one of his worst fears:

i don’t have the exact scripts but suffice it to say, this is not the first time michael has insinuated that jack is his only equal/match/rival in terms of power, and it’s also not the first time he’s insinuated that jack would simply outgrow his sense of humanity and turn on everyone that he’s claimed as family; the fact that jack is even human to begin with is more or less a glitch in the system to all other angels. it’s “just a phase.”

and then on Jack’s response, all it says is that he doesn’t want to admit it could be possible. i feel like in most other scenarios like this, where the Hero has some connection to the Villain that’s used against them, the Hero usually just dispels the Villain’s claim of connection with some easy shit like “you’re wrong! i have confidence in myself to stay by my friend’s sides forever!” the villain is then defeated and the hero’s connection to them (and all that implies) is never brought up again. but here, with jack and michael, jack is clearly doubtful of his own humanity—I mean, he has been for a while, he’s just afraid to admit it to anyone because it holds too much risk of losing everyone he cares about.

jack has pretty much dedicated his life to proving that he isn’t evil, that he is trustworthy and safe and that he isn’t like Lucifer. however, while he and Mary are in apocalypse world you also get the sense that he now has to prove he isn’t like Michael—despite them being equals. but his dedication and determination are very much rooted in/responsive to fear, not just of losing everyone he loves, but for his True Nature to ultimately be evil and of his father.

so, of course killing his mother figure causes jack to spiral out of control and into psychosis, because he hardly understands what’s happened—he’s literally debating whether or not he intended to kill Mary while at Rowena’s flat—and he’s very jarringly faced with the potential reality that he had finally lost humanity and turned on everyone just as Michael had said.

and despite his literal subconscious telling jack that he’s as good as fucked, he can’t come back from this and he can’t call the Winchesters or the Bunker his home ever again, he obsessively tries to fix it and desperately denies that he could have actually wanted Mary dead or intentionally hurt her (remember he tells Rowena he just wanted her to “be quiet”) because how is he ever supposed to be seen as trustworthy again after possibly-deliberately hurting Mary (and later with Duma, the “nonbelievers”) when the entire reason he wasn’t trusted to begin with was the fact that everybody saw him as something dangerous/truly evil and merely choosing not to act on his true nature, and now if he can’t fix it, then he’s inevitably back in the pigeonhole of a dangerous monster, and Michael was right.

[powderblueblood]

I know this has been done a million and one times, but Eddie just vibing at the gas station. Something inevitably goes wrong. Please and thanks dear Powder

jo my love i present to you 1k+ words of eddie munson's no good very bad wednesday night no warnings! just silly. and acab includes hopper

So it's eight thirty on a Wednesday night, the very armpit of the week, and Eddie's standing there under the glare of the gas station fluorescents. Right in the heart of the snack aisle.

"What's become apparent to me, Sam, is-is-is-is that it's fear. It's the iron claw of the bonds of being a scaredy-cat little bitch that has stunted me fundamentally."

Loaded. So stoned he's stalagmite.

"See, I'm a capable guy. Many capes have I, but it's like, I've finally mastered the fuck-you-chip-on-my-shoulder adolescent thing that I'm reluctant to let it go. I'm skirting around putting on my big boy pants. I'm failing my courses. I'm dumbing myself down to stick around high school, seemingly, on purpose. Because I'm afraid!"

Eddie's pouring his heart out to the narcoleptic octogenarian cashier, the guy that likely built this place out of shiplap and bullet casings way back when it was a horseshit stop for Buffalo Bill's Wild West Freak Show or whoever.

"And I know what you're thinking." Sam isn't thinking anything. Sam's sleeping with his eyes wide open. "Why not really, grr, take root with that family tree, huh? Drop out like my old man and my uncle did? Well, I'll tell ya--"

Eddie wonders, in the middle of his own sentence, what it'd be like to hitch his wagon to an operation like that and coast solely on being a moorless weirdo.

He's really stoned, okay?

"--high school is easy to fail in. Real life? Isn't."

And look, before you get all, he's got good reason. It's been a particular drag of a week, a real sandpaper to the balls kind of kick off. Corroded Coffin's Tuesday night engagement at the Hideout was a special kind of bust--not least of all because the slapdash stage finally gave way under all that threatening creaking, and almost took Jeff's neck with it.

The neck of his bass and his human body. Neither of which Jeff's ass is in any position to fix.

So Eddie's got a band that's bruised and barely in the pocket, and a mouth that won't stop running.

“WSQK 94.5, The Squawk!” Eddie echoes the radio, complete with eagle screech, as the opening chords of Renegade by Ted Nugent & the Amboy Dukes pick up. "Hawk-ening right back to a time when Ted Nugent hadn't yet sold all his actual guitaristry to that pissant Wango Tango-ing... You know what, man, this is it!"

His ringed hands come down on the counter all a-clatter, chip crumbs flying out the bag he hasn't quite paid for yet.

"Lock me in a room full of records under a radio tower and throw away the key, I mean, I would be good to fucking go. None of that shock-jock shit, either. I'd play nothing but real music. The Hawkins Midnight Rambler, huh?" But Sam isn't paying sufficient enough attention. "Think I got a face for radio, Sammy?" Because he's asleep.

It takes a couple of molasses-slow moments for Eddie to register this, he himself still working through his own big sluggishness. I mean, damn, even waving a hand in front of the old man's face is an effort.

He's out, though, like a light. Makes Eddie wonder how this place stays open, much less unrobbed.

Well. Careful what you wish for there, buddy.

His hand is slinking toward a Three Musketeers, ready to nab it from the shelf right under old Sam's nose and write him a little IOU for whenever he next has the cash, but Eddie senses a shuffling behind him.

"Put your fuckin' hands in the air!"

Oh? "Dude, what?"

There's this guy behind him, this guy whose corporeal form Eddie can't be a bajillion percent sure isn't, like, a vivid hallucination, with pantyhose tugged over his face. Poking a pistol around under the cover of his camo jacket. The whole bit.

"Put your hands in the air or I put a hole through ya, asshole! You too, old man!"

Eddie tuts, hands still very much hovering near that candy bar.

"What's the fucking hold up, you and your grandpa tryin' to get shot or somethin?!" this very serious masked assailant demands.

"He's asleep, guy," Eddie says. "He can't hear you."

"What?!" our villain splutters, "Well... wake the fuck up! I ain't got all day and I want what's in that reg--"

He goes to point his still-concealed fuckin' sharp shooter or whatever it is he has at Sam's face, and Eddie, with this strange surge of protectiveness and complete buffoonery, nudges his arm away.

"Don't! Number one, dude's a narcoleptic, you could give him a heart attack if you just woke him up like that--number two, I saw him pull a sawed off from under that counter one time and you're in way closer range so the hole he blows through you is gonna be, like, way bigger and... like, he'll kill you and shit. Be cool."

The would-be thief groans. Oh, god, Eddie just knows he thought this hit job would be way easier. In and out, quick and dirty, wham-bam-thank you Sam.

Eddie nearly laughs. He does laugh, actually, because he's still super-mega fucking high and can't exactly control the noises that come out of his mouth, so next thing the dude is rounding on him with the thing in his pocket. Eddie actually puts his hands up this time. Feels a cold shock go through him somewhere that he really hopes isn't piss.

You ever get that? Get so stoned you constantly think you're peeing yourself? Anyway.

"Get the fuck behind the counter! If the old man can't open the register for me, you're gonna do it!"

"But I don't know how." Liar. Lying ass. Eddie knows how to work a goddamn register. It's not like he's tucking that money from the Hideout straight into his garter belt. Though he could. Maybe he should. Maybe he should buy a garter b--

"I'm gonna tell you how, dickhead!"

"What's in it for me?"

"Is that a fucking joke, wise guy?"

Only kinda. Closed mouths never get fed. "Worth a shot."

But Eddie doesn't really love this dude's tone, so he obediently scoots behind the counter, and almost gets distracted by all the copies of Penthouse Sam is keeping back here. He knew the bastard was holding out on him.

"Um..." Eddie gingerly starts, hands just sort of floating in the direction of the register in a way he hopes to Christ won't disturb Sam and wake him into a world of cardiac calamity.

So the guy tells him what buttons to push, clearly a man of the trade, a fellow familiar with wiling countless hours away behind a counter, which makes Eddie be all, why don't you steal from your own job, you shyster and keeps hitting the wrong buttons on purpose.

But dear old Sammy must have this thing rigged to make Eddie look like an asshole, because out pops the fucking drawer anyhow!

This guy, the pantyhose head, the robber, lets out an honest-to-god yippee! as he reaches over to snatch that cash.

And Eddie, working solely on instinct at this point, narrows his lovely red-rimmed eyes and shoves the drawer right in on the unlucky fuck's fingers.

He screams. And Eddie screams. And something falls out of his pocket. And Eddie leans over the counter, expecting to see and hear the shiny clatter of a pistol hit the lino.

But there is no such hardware.

It was a banana in his pocket. He was not happy to see you.

"What the fuck, man!" they chorus in near unison. They could have been brothers in another life, says some disembodied voice in the back of Eddie's head.

But then, something yellow flies towards Eddie's face and the shock of it knocks him right back into the lotto tickets and cigarettes. Thunk! His head knocks far too hard against the fire extinguisher and now there's two unconscious guys behind the counter.

Now, I don't know if you've ever had a banana thrown in your face by a masked assailant before, but I would call that something of an overreaction.

Anyway, he wakes up to police sirens and that Callaghan dweeb hauling him up by the front of his Hellfire shirt.

"Sshsjesus, Officer Handsy, buy a guy dinner first," Eddie slurs, head pounding. Callaghan's dorky Buddy Holly glasses have an aura around them that he unconsciously tries to swat away.

"He's resisting arrest!" Callaghan yells.

"Keep it down, I have a headache!" Eddie blinks once, twice, twenty-million times and is still having a tough time taking stock of his surroundings. Cash drawer's open and empty, and Sam is nowhere to be seen. "Didja catch the guy or what? He had a banana gun. Threw it right at me."

"Pipe down. Edward Munson, you're under arrest for armed robbery--"

"--wait, hold on--"

"--endangering the elderly--"

"--hold the fuck on!"

"--and swearing at a police officer!" Callaghan clicks the cuffs on and Eddie's about to burst, he's so mad and his head is pounding with such a fury. Shuffling him out into the forecourt and into the squad car like some kind of penguin idiot!

"That last thing isn't even real!" he spits, "None of this is real--I was trying t--fuck, did you not hear me about the banana gun?!"

"Reminds me to drug test him when we get back to the station," Callaghan puffs as he slides into the passenger seat.

"No one's drug testing anybody," Chief Hopper grumbles from behind the wheel. "We don't even have those facilities. Plus, kid doesn't even have any of that stolen cash on him."

"Thank you!" Eddie barks from his seat in the back. He can't really seem to sit upright, and he doesn't know whether to contribute that to the lump that's risen on the back of his head or the drugs that are definitely still in his system.

"W--well, why are we arresting him, then?" Callaghan blubs. Which is actually a salient point.

The Chief shrugs. "I'unno. Wednesday night. Somethin' to do."

[amazingmsme]

Death Wish

AN: got fans come get your dinner! Here’s the Brienne x Jamie fic as promised! Idk how y’all survived this long without fluffy fics, this fandom is living off CRUMBS! But I wrote Jamie & Brienne flirting & teasing each other to fix it. Enjoy day 13!

Brienne would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't excited to see Jamie again. In their time together, he had really grown on her, as much as she tried to fight or deny the fact. The man had a decent wit to carry on an interesting conversation, and a dry sense of humor that always seemed to leave a smirk on her face.

But apparently, that wasn't good enough for Jamie Lannister.

They were alone in his room, or rather, his guest room, sharing a couple glasses of wine and nibbling on some cheese he'd brought with him from the south. He had just finished a joke, and when he didn't get the expected reaction, he couldn't help but pout, even if it was slightly for show.

"Am I just not funny to you?" he asked outright, when she merely huffed in amusement at his joke. She furrowed her brows in confusion.

"What do you mean?" she cocked her head to the side curiously.

"You never laugh at anything I say; well, you have, but more at my expense," he clarified, making her pause for thought. He had really been trying to amuse her all this time... She bit back a fond smile.

"If you're concerned I don't find you amusing, you can put your fears to rest," she assured. Jamie sat up a little straighter, leaning across the table.

"So you do like my jokes?" he pressed further, flashing a drunken, but no less charming, grin.

She couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Yes, alright? Is that what you want to hear?" she caved easily.

"Then would it kill you to just laugh at them every once in a while? I'll even take a chuckle," he bargained.

""You're ridiculous."

"And you act as though humor will be the thing that does you in."

The glare she sent his way shut him up. "I'm simply not as," she paused in thought, "Forthcoming, with my amusement."

He blew her off, tossing his head back in annoyance as he waved a hand. "Excuses, excuses."

"Why do you even care?" she asked incredulously. This wasn't even important, and there were certainly better topics of discussion to focus on. She wasn't used to being the center of attention.

"Curiosity, I suppose," he shrugged. "I've never heard you laugh," he said, sounding surprisingly genuine. He was leaning against the table, chin propped up in his hands as he stared at her with big, green eyes. She quickly adverted her own gaze.

"It's nothing special," she insisted.

"Maybe, but I want to see for myself."

She wasn't expecting it. Honestly, it was the last thing she was expecting, and as such, she had lowered her guard. But his hand snuck under the table, giving her knee a few rapid squeezes, and she froze with a choked off gasp, leg jerking up and banging the table. Their plates clattered and tankards sloshed as she tried to will away the blush spreading across her cheeks.

"I knew it! I mean, I was hopeful, but I knew you just had to be ticklish!" he bragged, despite the fact that the only hand he had left was currently held in a vice grip. The bewildered look on her face was worth it.

"What are you talking about?" she hissed, looking him up and down as though he'd gone mad.

"Well if I can't get you to laugh the traditional way, this'll just have to do!"

"No, Jamie, I swear-" she cut herself off with a bark of laughter when he wiggled free from her grasp and immediately went back to tickling her knees. As hard as she tried, she couldn't contain her mirth, only getting louder as he continued.

"So knees are a good spot. Makes sense, you're all legs," he teased, spidering over her kneecap. She shrieked and doubled over, fist hitting the table as she tried to chase his hand away.

Finally, she caught him.

"Do you hahave a death wish?" she asked, panting as she caught her breath.

Jamie never looked so smug.

"Do you really have to ask?" he cocked his head, arching a brow playfully.

"Alright then. Your turn."

Suddenly, he changed his tune.

"Wait no, we can tahahalk about thihihis!" But it was already too late for that.

"What's there to talk about? I warned you, but you didn't listen," she pointed out. Her hands dug into his sides, and he immediately burst into shrill giggles.

"Thahat was barely ahaha warnIIIIING! Nohoho plehehease, not thehere!”

"I mean, honestly, you're lucky I didn't just take the other hand," she taunted, though she tried to appear annoyed.

"Ihif you dihihid, I'd tehehell everyone about how I- nohoho wahahait!" he cut himself off with bright, cheerful laughter as her hands lowered to knead his hips. He twisted and bucked as he tried in vein to stop her, but he didn't exactly mind the situation he found himself in.

Still, he needed to breathe.

"Ohohokay, I'm sorry, Ihi'm sohohorry!" he pleaded, grateful when he was given a break.

"Yeah?" she questioned, and he nodded frantically, sporting a giddy smile. "You sure?" More nodding. "I don't believe you."

"But- Brienne nohoho! Plehehease!"

"I should've done this ages ago! You would've been so much easier to deal with if I knew this was all it took to take down the dreaded Kingslayer." It was rare for her to show emotion, even more so if those feelings stemmed from affection. Yet here she was, actually teasing him.

Surely that had to count for something.

Her fingers were long and slender, able to work their way into any ticklish spot they could find. Jamie tried to hold out, he really did. Because it was downright embarrassing how right she was; just a few fluttering touches and well placed squeezes, and he was already tapping out.

"You wihihin, YOU WIN!" he blurted when her hands rested on his thighs. She arched a brow, staring down at him quizzically, but a fond smile tugged at her lips.

"Oh really? What do I win?" she asked nonchalantly as he continued to unravel.

"A-ahahanythihihing!" he blurted out, and Brienne had to bite back a laugh of her own. He was truly desperate, wasn't he? He had to be, if he was begging like this.

"Anything?" she questioned, drilling her thumbs against his hipbones. He let out a high pitched shriek before tossing his head back.

"W-within reason!" he quickly stuttered out before cutting himself off with an embarrassing snort. His face flushed a dark pink and he shook his head weakly, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt.

"Well then, that's not anything now, is it?" she asked in an even tone, softly pinching her way up his sides, his ribs, slowly traveling higher and higher. Jamie was squirming more the higher she went, babbling pleas pouring from his mouth.

"B-Briehehehenne nohoho! P-plehehease, nohot thehehere! NOHOHOT THEHEHERE!" he screamed when she reached her destination, pressing his arms down to his sides. This only served to trap her hands there, leaving him no other choice but to laugh. Joyful cackling filled the air, and she knew he only had one hand to fight back, but he wasn't even trying.

Wait, did he like this? Then, a worse thought: was she liking this?

The new revelation was sudden and alarming, and she needed to put an end to this stupid little game he had started. But not without taking his offer first.

"Alright, I'll let you go. But you owe me a favor. Any favor, any time I need it, no questions asked no matter what," she had to raise her voice slightly to be heard over his hysterics.

"OHOKAHAHAY! YEHEHES I'LL DO IHIT! SOUNDS GREHEHEAT!"

Okay, at this point she seriously doubted he was even listening, but he agreed, so she tugged her hands free. He giggled and jerked back when her fingers wiggled one last time as she pulled away.

"Do you even know what you agreed to?" she asked, not even bothering to hide her smirk as she watched him recover.

"Something about a favor," he shook his head, dazzling smile still firmly in place. He doubted it would be leaving any time soon.

"Good thing I was bluffing."

Wait, what did he just say?

Brienne looked at him with wide eyes, barely having a second to brace herself before getting body slammed out of her chair.

"You see," he started as he struggled to pin her arms beneath his legs while straddling her waist, "I always win tickle fights." Most of the time. "So I have a reputation to uphold."

"You lying bastard! Now let me go!" she growled, trying to squirm her way to freedom. He was heavier than she expected, and it wasn't so easy to just throw him off. Or so she told herself.

"No, I don't think so. I only found one tickle spot!"

"And that's all you need to find," she said, trying to sound threatening.

"So there's more?" he asked, resting his hand on her waist. She went completely stiff, lips pressed into a thin line.

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to."

And then he struck, and as hard as she tried, she couldn't contain the laughter that flooded out of her.

"Feel free to yield at any time," he taunted, and Brienne regretted letting him off so easy. No way would she tap out from just a little tickling, she refused. But depending on how ruthless he proved to be, she might not have a choice.

She'll just have to weigh her options when she's desperate enough.

[askhermesgrian]

Welcome to CAMP HERMITCRAFT! (Text Adventure Event) 01

(STARTING POST , PREVIOUS POST , NEXT POST , POLL AT THE END!)

Art by @ahllohehn Writing by @askhermesgrian (asst. @ahllohehn)

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LAST POLL RESULTS

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When you had said that phrase, the 'angel' was less than amused. He slowly backed off from you to properly flash you a judgmental glance at a distance safe for him.

"Even if it were to be heaven, you would've been kicked down to hell immediately if you were to attempt that with an actual angel," he said. (-1 rep)

"You're almost as bad as...." he mumbled then trailed off as he stood up from his kneeling position next to you, having seen enough of your now conscious state.

You had to sit yourself up without his help, which was an uncomfortable action to do when you could feel the heavy judgement bearing down from one side of you while having to deal and ignore the dizziness you have to deal on your own because you decided to flirt with a stranger first thing after you woke up.

With a better view of your surroundings, you can finally see that you weren't anywhere you knew. Rather than the cityscape you were used to, you were at a nature-esque scene of what seems to be a.. summer camp?

Sensing your confusion, the kid beside you spoke up to explain, "I dragged you to our camp. Safer to wait for you to wake up here than to leave you on the streets. Mortals tend to be more monstrous than actual monsters..." He mumbled the last part as softly as possible.

You tilted your head and asked "You didn't leave me?"

"Don't get me wrong. I would've left you there if I could, but you..." he looked down at you and frowned, "Well, let's just say the Fates hadn't like the idea of cutting your thread yet."

You express that you appreciate his decency, opting to ignore his weird wordings and references as you assumed he just liked speaking funny.

"I would've preferred to be dragged for treatment on possible amnesia rather than left in the grass," you had said lightheartedly.

The teen's expression took an awkward turn at that joke, avoiding your eyes, "Sorry. Dragging you further into camp would've been... dangerous for me."

Dangerous, huh? Considering that you woke up to him panicking about possibly murdering you, you assume that he was scared of getting in trouble with whatever leadership they had here rather than fearing that there's actually anything dangerous further into this camp.

You supported yourself by the heel of your palm and attempted to stand up, shakily pushing yourself up with whatever energy you were able to rejuvenate at the short amount of time.

As you were busy doing so, a call rang out from the foot of the hill.

"Oh, Griaaaan! You're back early?"

When you looked over past pseudo-angel, a brunette kid rolled up from the foot of the hill with a big smile that immediately dropped in surprise, their weird winged wheelchair coming to a stop when their emerald eyes landed on you.

They seemed to hesitate on what to do or say for a while before deciding to wave to you in greeting, "Why, hello there!"

You nodded in greeting, making the other smile wide before returning his attention back to who he was initially calling for.

"You didn't tell us you were bringing a new one, G!"

Grian.. or G's face went all wrinkly as he grit his teeth sheepishly, "Well, I didn't seem to tell myself either."

At that, the kid on the wheelchair raised an eyebrow, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I might've made a mistake that could possibly land me doing a week paperwork for Dionysus again, Scar," Grian replied with a hint of sarcasm and also a tiny bit of worry.

'Scar' went silent, looking back and forth towards you and his friend over and over, "What exactly happened?"

Grian didn't reply immediately, firmly shutting his mouth and turning his head away guiltily, "Maybe... Mayhaps... I may have perhaps possibly hit them in the head with the package I was meant to be delivering to Empires."

Scar gasped, "The Pandora's box?!"

"Pandora's box?!" you exclaimed after in fear, causing the dirty blonde teen to roll his eyes at both you and Scar's dramatics.

"It's not actually Pandora's box. I think," Grian mumbled the last part unsurely, "But it was definitely a package that shouldn't be used to knock people out."

That wasn't reassuring at all and even Grian knows so with the way he sheepishly scratched the back of his head awkwardly like he's at a loss for how to repair this situation.

"Is the package still fine then?" Scar asked.

The red cardigan wearing teen hunched over himself guiltily, "Right, about that..."

Grian turned his head to look at the messenger bag abandoned on the grass to the side, picking it up and rummaging through it before bringing out a intricate looking box covered by a cloth. He put the cloth aside, preparing to open the box.

Scar widened his eyes and reached out to stop him, "Wait, that's--!" But Grian had already opened it anyway.

Scar shut his eyes and brought his shoulders up to his ears as if expecting something, but nothing came. You both look over to the open box, Scar looking on in disbelief while you tilted your head confusingly.

It was empty?

"Oh, gods, Grian that's not---"

"Not good. Not good. I know!" Grian sighed exasperatedly, shutting the box and shoving it back into his bag angrily. He glanced at you and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Are you okay?" Scar checked on you directly after bearing the news that whatever was in their package was apparently gone. Unlike Grian, this Scar person was a lot more welcoming and gentle with the way he spoke.

Though his sparkling eyes seem to say he was interested on finding out another thing rather than your actual well-being.

"Anything magical? Feel anything special?" Scar asked eagerly.

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PLAYER STATUS Watchers' notes: This is where you can all check your status as one collective player. Please pay attention.

General Status: Possible amnesia. One side of your head still feels numb from getting hit by a blunt force.

Reputation Status: 9/10 (-1 from Grian.)

Current Run Notes: - (!) Grian is wary of you. - (!) Scar is curious about you - ℸ ̣ ⍑ᒷ||'∷ᒷ ∴ᔑℸ ̣ ᓵ⍑╎リ⊣ ᒷᔑ⊣ᒷ∷ꖎ||.

[doubleca5t]

do you ever doubt your transition? like, do you fear that someday you'll regret it, and won't be able to go back, or worry that maybe you're just pretending, or convinced yourself you're trans when you're really not. coming from a concerned probable egg.

I used to think this all the time but the further I got into my transition the less I started to doubt myself, simply because I enjoyed being perceived as a woman so much that it wouldn't make sense if I was anything else. I feel like the final nail in the coffin was getting my boob job cause like what cishet man would be as thrilled as I was to get a pair of honkin bazongas installed

[vickyvicarious]

"it is maddening to think that of all the foul things that lurk in this hateful place the Count is the least dreadful to me; that to him alone I can look for safety, even though this be only whilst I can serve his purpose."

The above passage is from May 16 after the vampire women tried to drink his blood, as he realized. Today on May 19 Jonathan writes three letters to be sent home (to Mr Hawkins) on various days of June, the final one being for June 29, the end of his life.

The thing I expected was for Jonathan to wonder why he's being kept alive after today/May 19th. Dracula is, as Jonathan said, his safety "whilst I can serve his purpose". But what is his purpose? Dracula had all his real estate papers signed on the 12th (when he ordered Jonathan to stay extra and that he'll take no refusal). He is actually fluent in English. Now, a steady stream of letters will be sent to Exeter throughout June, pretending that Jonathan's returning home.

Dracula can just kill him now, or just give him to the vampire women. No one would know. I'm sure he wants Jonathan first, claiming him and claiming the lion's share, but not now when he has months yet to leave. Then once, as Dracula said, he's "done with him" maybe he'll leave the rest to the other vampires.

But I wonder why Jonathan isn't wondering why he's being kept alive until the end of June. I suppose a Doylist reason is to not give the possible answer away yet, Watsonian being him fearing to speculate without answers?

Yeah, I've wondered this myself in the past. I think for me it comes down to a combination of several factors, since there really is no single quote that points to a specific reason Jonathan seems so convinced.

Before I get into those, I do want to mention that it is possible there is still some business to be done. It's a popular interpretation that they finish the last of that all on May 12, and it does make sense with the timeline. I personally believe it. But technically, I don't think Jonathan ever mentions them signing the final papers. He says he answers all of Dracula's questions, but that could be just referring to the ones in that conversation: "When he had satisfied himself on these points of which he had spoken, and I had verified all as well as I could by the books available, he suddenly stood up and said:—" ...and then Dracula brings up him staying. Again, the interpretation that they finish all their work in that conversation is totally valid/likely. But if someone really wanted to argue that there is still some amount of actual legal work to be done, I don't believe canon says anything outright to the contrary.

That's not really my take though. Here are the reasons I think Jonathan believes he will survive until the end of June, in no particular order:

What Dracula said on May 16. He heard the Count drive the other vampires back with the words:

"Well, now I promise you that when I am done with him you shall kiss him at your will. Now go! go! I must awaken him, for there is work to be done."

Now, in the moment, Dracula's line about having work to do seems most likely to be a fib just to get them to go. 'I'm busy, scram,' essentially. But he is very clear that he isn't done with Jonathan yet. (Though the fib about being busy itself could suggest that he might keep Jonathan alive and away from them longer than he himself needed/wanted to, just as a taunt/power play against these vampire ladies. But that's less relevant since he clearly does seem to want him still.) As you point out, Jonathan notes it himself, that he will be able to look to Dracula for safety so long as he serves his purpose. The fact that Dracula comes back within a couple of days to get him to write these specifically dated letters I think suggests to him that he is likely to stand at least a chance of serving that purpose until those dates. At least, it seems that way given...

Jonathan knows Dracula by now. He can probably tell just how much Dracula really enjoys him, and that said enjoyment is in many ways what's keeping him alive. Probably at least to some degree in a sense of enjoying his company, and that is somewhat relevant since he can play on that to stay interesting even when he's not outright useful/needed. But also, importantly, Dracula's particular brand of sadism comes into play here. He loves his mind games and multilayered conversations. He's been making jokes about his own undead/supernatural status basically as long as Jonathan has known him. He enjoys manipulating Jonathan. He enjoys giving him orders and warnings and then watching to see if he will obey or not. Jonathan has disobeyed significantly twice already, by trying to get into all the locked rooms and by sleeping outside of his room. And while he was discovering locked doors early on just while going about his business, he made no move nor seemed to have any particular designs/likelihood to sleep outside his room until Dracula brought it up first. Maybe you could argue that he's been looking more tired/likely to nap about as this nocturnal existence becomes more telling on him, but still there was no real build-up at all to the warning. Which is just one of the many reasons I read it as intentional bait.

So, knowing how Dracula likes to throw out these sorts of hints, I think it reasonable for Jonathan to think he will live that long. It would be just like him to use these letters to subtly tell Jonathan: no one will know where to look for you when you go missing, I could kill you long before with no consequences, but why would I if you play along and please me? ...so play. along.

There's also the fact that Jonathan may know when Dracula plans to leave. Now I certainly don't think he knows his exact itinerary or anything. Probably not even the date he expects to go, and just how closely it lines up with Jonathan's final false letter. But it seems entirely reasonable to me for the topic to have come up during all their work talk. There's a very good chance Jonathan knows that Dracula is planning on leaving for England in a month or two, or even just "around midsummer", etc. And if he does, I think he could add that in with the previous two points I mentioned to reach the conclusion that Dracula intends to keep him around until about when he himself is going to leave. (With the caveat, always, that Jonathan must make himself interesting/nonthreatening enough that he doesn't get bored before then.)

But finally, all those things aside... Jonathan has a tendency to fixate on things. In doing so he can miss other possibilities. And I think the encounter with the vampire ladies served to, somewhat despite himself, dismiss a lot of his fear of immediate danger from Dracula himself. He's aware that he is playing a long game under threat of being thrown the vampire ladies early, and kind of gets blinders to the fact that Dracula himself might physically harm him before then. This really reaches its height near the end of his stay with his seeming obliviousness to the possibility of Dracula biting him even when the guy outright says the "tonight is mine" line. And while I think he does get bitten and just doesn't remember it because that's often what can happen when a vampire entrances/bites you, his not recognizing the possibility beforehand is something that has made several people cry censorship (on a Watsonian level from Jonathan or Mina, and on a Doylist level from Stoker because he knew it wouldn't be accepted). But I think it can be attributed to a combination of Jonathan getting fixated on the ultimate threat (the women) and also on some level recognizing that if Dracula was going to give him to them after he was through, then he'd likely survive whatever Dracula planned for him anyway, so it wasn't as necessary to focus on. (Some of his single-mindedness definitely reads as more calculated at times.)

All this to say, Jonathan may just be overlooking the possibility that Dracula isn't planning to keep him around that long. That or he may be aware of the idea but is dismissing it without mention because it's totally unhelpful to dwell on. He has to approach the situation the same way regardless, fawning to please Dracula while looking for a chance at some other way out. He's stalling for time no matter what, so why not assume he has the most time it seems reasonable to hope for, at least in order to keep himself from completely breaking down and giving up before then. For some semblance of morale if nothing else. He's definitely not going to live past then, but maybe, maybe, until then.

[the-bonfires-ember]

ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.

anyway.

firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.

from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.

from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.

now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.

prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.

the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.

the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.

pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:

if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.

if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.

obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.

[insertdisc5]

Devlog #16: Answers and Questions

Hello everyone! Welcome to this month’s devlog!

If you just stumbled upon this, I am Adrienne, also known as insertdisc5! I’m the developer, writer, artist, main programmer, etc of the game. The game being In Stars and Time, a timeloop RPG, which is also the next and final game in the START AGAIN series, following START AGAIN: a prologue (available here!).  You can find out more about In Stars and Time here!!! 

LET’S GET TO IT. This month is Q&A: Cohost edition!

“A Q&A again?” Heheh well I don’t have anything to talk about this month ✨ We’re working hard on finalizing the localization! And on porting to consoles! And on secret stuff! You know, the usual!!! Get excited!!! So, Q&A again 💖 And see, I asked questions for Q&As on Twitter. On Tumblr. On Discord. But some new social media platforms have entered the fray. SO.

Welcome to Q&A: Cohost edition. (Follow me on cohost and/or read this post I wrote about why I think cohost is neat teehee) (and follow me on bluesky if you want. I like it way less though. Sorry bluesky)

@ItsMeLilyV asks:

One of the bits of advice that gets tossed around by indie devs is to avoid making RPGs, especially for your first few games, because they tend to be large in scope, difficult to prototype, and easy to underestimate.

Was this ever a fear for you in making START AGAIN, or In Stars and Time? Did you take any special precaution to keep these games within a scope you could handle, and did you learn tricks from START AGAIN that carried over to ISAT when in came to keeping things manageable? Thank you!! ✨

I had no idea that was a piece of advice given, but yep, that makes a lot of sense! Since I didn’t know, I went in blissfully aware, teehee.

I will say that I am familiar with working on big projects from working on comics, and with seeing big webcomic artists always mention to never start with your magnum opus… And I could tell ISAT had the potential to be way bigger than I imagined, which is why I decided to start with creating the prologue to get used to RPGMaker as well as making games. Kind of a pilot of sorts!

Again, thanks to comics, I know to keep my scope pretty small, because even if you keep it small it WILL balloon into something way bigger than you thought. Just for the prologue, I imagined it’d be a 20mn game, and it’s easily a 2-3h one! Keep your scope small!!!

As for tricks, when I catch myself thinking “wow what if I added this cool thing”, I try to always keep in mind those two things: 1. How long will it take to implement (including bug testing), and 2. Does it add something important to the game. I know we always want to add a fishing game, or a fun minigame, but do you Need It. Does it add something substantial to the story, to the Themes. Or are you just adding it because you like fishing games. Which is a valid reason, but also, maybe just make a fishing game instead. You are not the Yakuza series!!!! You are a small indie gamedev!!!! Think about you in 4 months who has to fix all the fishing game bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@stem asks:

how is it to have a piece of art that's basically done (as far as i understand) that you can't share yet? like how do you personally bide the time until it's finally ready to release, or is it not really a challenge to wait? :0c

It’s so weird!!! The game has been done for so long!!! I’m very glad I asked some friends to playtest the game, so I could at least get some feedback before the game is out… In some ways it feels like the game will be done twice: once back when I finished making the game, and once when the game actually comes out. It’s just a very strange experience. Sometimes people tell me they’re excited to find out more about this story beat, or about this character, and a part of me is like… Wait, haven't you played the game? Oh, yeah, it’s not actually out. Guess you’ll find out later.

EDIT: My god. I just checked on my private devlog for when I completed the Alpha of ISAT. It was in August of last year (I lay down on the floor and look at the ceiling) (I still had to finish all the illustrations so really the game was Done Donezo in October but still…)

anon asked:

What role did Armor Games play in creating the final product?

SO MANY THINGS. Here are some of them: support when it comes to porting/marketing/social media/localization, feedback on the game and how to make it better, community guidance, testing support, QA/internal testing… The game couldn’t be the way it is without them.

For more small details, I have a weekly meeting with my producer, Dora! We talk about the game and how everything is going. A couple months back, I also was checking in with the internal QA team fairly often to fix any remaining bugs. They also helped me find ISAT’s additional programmer, Isabella, and she is a godsend because coding is hard. They also take care of communicating with press, finding more opportunities to showcase the game in conventions, talking with the localization/porting teams… I am probably forgetting a thousand little things they did to help out!!! THEY’RE SO GOOD OK

Anon asked:

So obviously the skills/spells/what have you are based off of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Did you design each "type" to be like a certain style? Rock being heavy damage and defense buffs, scissors being speed and quick attacks, like that?

Absolutely! I just went with the obvious. Rock is physical damage, defense focused, Scissors is swords, attack focused, and Paper is magic, mind focused. It was fun to develop a spell system around those! I’m excited for people to find out more about Craft…

@nickshutter asks:

I really loved START AGAIN (streamed it for a small handful of friends) and was super happy to hear about a follow-up! The cast is so much fun and their personalities are really well-balanced—did any of the characters change pretty drastically from their initial conception during development of the game?

I’m so glad you streamed it with friends… I hope you had a good fun time…

And for sure! Isabeau and Mirabelle were pretty set from the get go (himbo and shy wallflower), but Odile started as more of a gentle teacher type, even if I very quickly went the snarky old lady route. Siffrin and Bonnie were harder to pin down– I wasn’t sure how to portray Siffrin’s despair in the prologue, and started showing them more overtly depressed, but I thought it’d be Very Yummy to have them show a happy facade to their friends. And then, for ISAT, I had to figure out what a non-depressed Siffrin would be like, for the first couple acts of the game before the despair sets in. As for Bonnie, I had a lot of trouble figuring out what they’d be like, what kind of kid they were, what their relationship with everyone else would be like, and then I thought about what their past would be like and then their characterization was set in stone. Sometimes you need to figure out One Thing to unlock a character’s brain. I’m very excited for everyone to find out more about each character in ISAT!

@SuperBiasedGary asks:

What games (or other media) lit a fire under you to create your own?

It could be stuff you liked so much it inspired, something you found frustrating because you felt an itch to do it differently, or something that made you realise humans make things and you could be one of them.

I found a lot of indie games inspiring, but I think Umineko might’ve been the one that made me go… Oh, anyone can just make a massive video game narrative. And you can make it very simple, with kinda goofy sprites, and still manage to make an incredibly touching story!

As for frustrating games that lit a fire under me, I think I’d say in general, I found issue with the classic trope of the “main character helps people and doesn’t get anything back”. What often happens in some games is that you help NPCs with their problems, sometimes helping them with very intense, complicated problems! For a very long time! And, in exchange, you get… A cool item? A nice new skill? And that’s it?

I know this might be complicated to implement on a narrative perspective, but I remember playing Persona 5, and your character just went through a very harrowing experience (like, oh, being INTERROGATED AND TORTURED BY THE POLICE) and you help your friends during social links, and they go “thanks for your help! Bye~” like WHAT ABOUT ME. WHAT ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. CAN YOU GIVE ME A HUG

So on a certain level, I wanted a game where instead of the characters around you having problems, the main character also has problems. And is subconsciously screaming “CAN YOU PLEASE NOTICE I HAVE PROBLEMS AND GIVE ME A HUG.” And hopefully, the characters notice. Winks

Hm. I do want to say I wrote most of the prologue/ISAT during the pandemic, and I felt very lonely and not supported. But then guess what. I told my friends about how I felt. And most of them told me they had no idea, and vowed to support me more. And now I’m closer to them. So the moral of this answer is, yeah, it’d be nice if people noticed, but also, you need to tell people when you’re feeling bad. LOOKS AT SIFFRIN

Anon asked:

Is there a song you listen to in order to put yourself in the sasasa/ISAT mindset?

I have a whole playlist baybee. Before you ask: there aren’t any hidden meanings behind those song choices. It’s about the Mood, and also my personal tastes in music I listen to when I need to concentrate. I like songs that go WUB WUB

 In no particular order, here are five random songs I played on repeat when making the prologue:

Future Club (Arcade Version) by Perturbator (in bold because this was THE song I listened to on repeat. I believe I gave it to Lindar for inspiration lol)

Arcades by C2C

Wake Me Up by Para One

The First Wish by DROELOE

Les Enfants du Paradis by World’s End Girlfriend

And here are five random songs I played on repeat for In Stars and Time:

Down by Chloe x Halle

Nonsense Bungaku by Eve

Non-Breathe Oblige by PinocchioP

Gentle Heart by Jamie Paige

Ready For The Floor by Hot Chip

It’s interesting, the songs I listened to for the prologue are generally more heavy and frenetic, while the ones for ISAT are more hopeful… I made sure to listen to more lively songs for ISAT, since that’s the feeling I wanted to give off…

That’s all the questions I have! In other, non related ISAT news, I have started a new project and having a lot of fun. It’s a visual novel this time. I’m hoping to get some screenshots ready in the next few months, but also I’m taking it easy on this one. If it takes years with many breaks in between to get it done, it’s fine. What matters to me right now is the process!

That’s all I have to say for today! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s any aspect of the game development struggle you’d like me to talk about! See you next time!!!

AND DON’T FORGET TO WISHLIST THE GAME ON STEAM ALSO IT REALLY HELPS BECAUSE STEAM’S ALGORITHM IS MORE LIKELY TO SHOW OFF GAMES WITH A HIGH AMOUNT OF WISHLISTS THAT’S THE REASON WHY GAME DEVS ALWAYS ASK TO WISHLIST!!! OKAY BYE!!!!

[my-own-walker]

Someone You've Never Seen Before

A Kyle Spencer Fan Fiction

frat!kyle AU, fem!main character, sexual themes, mature language, use of drugs and alcohol, frat boy antics

19.

Alone, together. Making up for lost time. 

My lipstick smudged on his lips after stolen kisses in bathrooms at parties. His arms snaking around me from behind in my apartment's kitchen at 3 am, his chin resting atop my head. Study dates occurred nightly, often devolving into naps, cuddles, kisses, or more.

There in my room, we laid. Way less weekly frat house forays for me. Kyle practically lived at Lily and I's place.

I feared Lily would hate it, with her personal space being invaded, and all. But she really liked him. Her attitude toward him changed after that night when they teamed up to rescue me. It took a bit for her to tell me what went down when they got me back to our place. 

"It wasn't what you needed to hear at the time," she shrugged when she finally decided to tell me. From what I understand, it happened a bit like this:

Lily's POV

"She come to yet?" Leon asked from the driver's seat, his tone dripping with concern. His dark eyebrows were furrowed, eyes laser-focused and intent on getting us back as quickly as possible. He directed his question to the back seat, where Kyle sat cradling Hannah's head, preventing it from bobbling around as he hit bumps and took turns.

"Nah, man..."  Kyle trailed off, looking down at her unconscious form. She was limp, eyes cracking open just slightly every so often.

Leon's question pissed me off. Unnecessarily so. "Fucking-  of course she's not awake, Leon. She got fucking roofied."

"Sorry, Lil," he muttered, twisting one of his curls around his finger. He chewed his lip and turned the steering wheel hand-over-hand into the parking area behind our apartment. He let go of the curl and it sprung tightly back into place as he threw the car into park.

Wordlessly, Leon and I unbuckled our seatbelts as Kyle opened the left-side back door. Both of us rushed to aid him in getting Hannah out of the car, but after getting out, he immediately bent down and picked her up bridal style as he did at the party. 

"Kyle, we can help," I began, reaching my hand up and brushing a hair out of Hannah's face.

"I got her," he rasped, adjusting his hold and turning in the direction of the building. "Which way's your place?"

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, allowing him to have his hero moment, but only because it was in Hannah's best interest for me not to argue with him. I pointed toward our back door. 

"Sh-should I go?" Leon stuttered behind me. "I think he's got it."

I turned around and buried myself in Leon's arms. I couldn't help but need comfort in the moment. It was selfish, but as soon as his embrace tightened around me, I felt a sense of clarity and a new capacity to help. "Thank you, Leon. I love you," I sniffled into his chest.

"She's going to be okay, Lil. I can come in if you need," he said lowly. 

"No, go back to your boyfriend. I'm sorry we interrupted your time."

"Oh, hush. Anything for you and Han," he whispered, releasing me and holding me by my shoulders at arm's length, looking into my eyes. "I promise."

"Get back safe," I muttered, turning on my heel to rush after Kyle, who was practically at the door. 

I picked up the pace to a light jog, fumbling in my small handbag for my keys. I watched Hannah's head roll toward Kyle's body, resting lazily on his shoulder. His immediate response was to stroke the back of her head, not a thought behind it. I reached the door and unlocked it in a swift motion, hustling in before the two of them.

"Her room is back here," I called out, not even turning the lights on or glancing back in their direction. I swung the door to Hannah's room open and waited by the entrance for Kyle to pass me. He hesitated and took in the room for a split second before taking her over to her bed and placing her down gingerly.

He turned her over on her side and turned away, striding quickly back toward the door. Only then did he hunch over, hands on his knees, and take a deep, shaky breath. My eyes darted between Kyle and Hannah. Hannah and Kyle. Who to acknowledge first? Who to help first? 

I deemed Hannah okay enough for the moment for me to be able to check on Kyle. "She's not that heavy," I quipped, forcing a small, dry laugh out of him. I stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder. "You okay?"

He straightened up stiffly, still facing the exit, rather than her. He took another shaky breath before responding. "Honestly, all that matters to me right now is if she's okay. I don't even know how I am," he uttered. "I know it'll pass, but it's heavy."

"Yeah...it's intense," I agreed, turning my head to stare at Hannah, who looked as if she were sleeping peacefully. Face still like a young child in a deep slumber.

"Can you, uh, text me when she wakes up? I can give you my number," he sniffled. I looked back in his direction and watched him wipe his eyes. He turned his head to look at me and I nodded. "I love her, Lily. I'm sorry, but I do." His eyes were glassy and pleading. 

"I do, too," was all I could muster.

"I let go of the illusion that things could have gone any different. She may hate me forever. But I love her," he spoke, just barely above a whisper. " I can't imagine a day I won't."

+

I found home in his arms. 

He held me tenderly. I lay cradled in his arms, tracing the veins that twisted their way up them with my finger. My head rested lazily on his chest. His heart thudded quietly beneath my ear.

Kyle slept soundly beneath me. He took a deep breath before shifting slightly, squeezing his arms tightly around me. He then returned to sleeping peacefully. 

It was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about him. Us. He looked at me like there was something there worth looking at. He talked about me as if I put the stars in the sky. 

I couldn't believe the boy I thought hated me felt this way about me. That I was lying in his arms planning our future. 

It was beautiful. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Previous Part

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

i'll take anything you have (if you could throw me a line)

day 31 whumptober prompt: asking for help | therapy | “i’m alive, i’m just not well”

the sunrise can be pretty, neil thinks, but instead of the pinks and oranges washing him with ease, neil can’t help the panic at the thought that he’s been up here for longer than he planned to 

he wonders if anyone has even realized he left the dorms in the first place, wonders if andrew even looked when neil left the bedroom, wonders if he gave up, wonders if he finally came to his senses and realized neil was more trouble than he’s worth

wonders if the roof of the court is high enough that the fall would kill him

he shakes his head roughly

no, no, these are the thoughts he’s supposed to be ignoring, pretending they’re not there

replacing them with something better

except

the idea doesn’t leave his head now that he’s thought it, it doesn’t seem any less compelling

who would have thought, that neil (neil, neil josten, runaway, survivor, doing his best to survive no matter what) would ever be thinking about ending it himself

all that grief and pain and exhaustion all those years, for nothing

(it’s been too many years, and the grief and pain and exhaustion are still there)

he doesn’t blame andrew for giving up on him

the breeze picks up enough that neil shivers, and for a moment he almost loses his balance, almost falls freely down to the hard pavement and a too sweet promise of actual rest

his heart doesn’t pick up in fear at the idea

but his breathing does, when he realizes just how serious this is

he doesn’t even care if he lives anymore

that’s both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time

terror wins in the end

he almost drops his phone on the concrete and follows it when he gazes at the empty inbox

it’s okay, it’s understandable

his friends ought to stop being that when they realized there was no point in being friends with the corpse of a man, unreal and fictitious and inhuman

he ignores the tug in his heart, considers calling wymack

instead

it’s only 5:30 am, but betsy picks up on the first ring nonetheless

“neil?”

“betsy”

her words are preceded by a gasp and a sob and a pained little laugh, “neil, where are you? are you safe? the foxes are all worried, saying you left last night and never got back”

something like relief floods through neil’s vein, almost enough to drown out the iciness, the tension, the pain

it’s not quite enough when there’s a hole inside him the size of everything he’s lost

it’s not quite enough when he doesn’t even feel like he’s worth someone elses worry

“betsy”

it’s just one word, but it sounds pitiful, tormented… small

“what can i do for you neil?”

he curls into himself when the breeze keeps on its fast pace, arms holding each other as tight as they can

there are terrible scratches down his arms, the scars around his knuckles are swollen and red and rubbed raw 

he wants to keep going until he’s tearing his skin off, until he can personally remove the scar tissue and the rot under his skin, inside his head

“betsy i need help”

“oh neil, of course, I – what do you need right now? where are you? are you safe?”

no no no no no–

“i hurt myself on purpose and i– i want to do it again, and i can’t be certain i can stop myself from killing myself”

there’s a sharp inhale, but betsy’s voice doesn’t tremble

“okay, where are you? i can come pick you up, make sure you don’t hurt yourself any more”

“i’m scared”

the admission is soft, weak and fucking terrified

“that’s understable neil, those are some scary thoughts to be having, i’m getting in my car right now, by the way, where do you want me to pick you up?”

“the roof of the court”

betsy’s exhale is shaky, even through the phone

“okay, okay, can you make sure you’re as far away from the edge as possible”

he understand andrew then

“no, I–”

he doesn’t know how to explain it

“the edge makes me feel real… alive”

“but you are alive neil, that’s a wonderful thing, a wonderful accomplishment, you’ve made it through so much, you deserve a breath don’t you think?”

“i'm alive, i'm just not… well”

“hang on neil, i’m only a blocks away from the court”

neil lets out a sob, and it’s tearing and burning and agonizing

“i’m tired of feeling like this”

neil can hear the pain in betsy’s voice when she speaks, “oh i know honey, don’t worry, i’m going to be right there with you in a few minutes, i’m going to be there for you”

“please help me bee”

“hang on, neil, i’m going to be right there, just hang on, just a little longer”

neil just keeps on sobbing

“i’m so sorry”

“no, don’t be sorry neil, you’re okay, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for”

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry”

“shh, it’s okay neil, there’s nothing to be sorry for here, you’re okay, just hang on, i’ll be right there”

neil just sobs, wonders if this is at all worth it, wonders if he’s not just better off jumping at once

“help me”

sunrises are meant to signify hope and new beginnings and opportunities to start over

sunrises are the death of stars too after all

yall i absolutely forgot to post this to tumblr too yesterday lmao but it was up on ao3 at 11 pm last night <3 this one was short and just a bit shitty bc i was quite literally falling asleep while sitting in front of my laptop while writing it, so please don't judge my poor cohesion asjkfjk i'm more awake but honestly equally as tired but anyway i just wanted to say thank you to those who've been here reading my silly little angsty stories throughtout the entirety of the month, i'm lowkey so proud of myself for finishing whumptober, i have never done something like this in my life, and i'm really happy i dared to try this even if i spent some sleepless nights bc i was too focused on writing these while in the busiest three weeks i've had in a while lmao but yeah just thank you so much for the company yall, i hope to see you soon with some sequels and some prequels or any other new ideas :)

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've asked myself many times over the course of three years about how would I react to information that comes to contradict a specific image I have about people. And the answer would differ, more or less, depending on a myriad of factors, such as my mental wellbeing, my attitude toward the fandom, the group, the members, etc. The truth is, I only knew how I would respond the moment it happens and I was pleasantly surprised in a way. I see it as a sign that I'm doing better or at least I'm on the path of doing better.

These are things that I didn't want to allow to come to surface in the way I used to handle the BTM blog. Perhaps because the point was to create a platform in which I could offer the rational, researched perspective which I considered to be the correct one. I'm not retracting any of that. I still believe that it is possible to offer a more complex perspective if I can back it up with knowledge from various fields, but it was also one of my defense mechanisms.

Without expanding on the personal reasons, it has become very easy for me to separate my rational and emotional side. So much, that even when I should be staying in the moment and let my emotions take space, I can't really do it, I need to come up with a rational explanation so it can make sense. I then applied this to BTS as well. I couldn't just say I like this group when someone would ask, I would have to tell them about all the studies I read and how my fascination is mostly intelectual, when in truth it was both. I used to talk about jikook only in the context of analysis, be it GCF through semiotics or various types of interpretations when it came to their performances or fandom reception in terms of their dynamics. It had to be in the context of rational fascination and curiosity because I was merely trying to justify myself on why I care that much about two strangers that I look at on my phone. Again, my intellectual curiosity is real, but that has always been only one side if the coin, but it was one that I pushed.

It's about shame actually. I can't actually accept that I have such an interest. It doesn't fit with the idea I have of myself. And sometimes I don't like it because it makes me question my intellect, my critical thinking. How can I be so good academically and at the same time I fear that I've fallen into a fandom trap? I'm smart, right? Right?

I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with or ar going through this process of cognitive dissonance. How does one deal with the mere idea that something they believe in based on their understanding of the world, their ability of decoding (not in a conspiracy sense, but in a Saussurean way) can turn out to be wrong? We see something that resembles a specific behavior that we are surrounded with our entire lives, sometimes we ourselves engage with, but we've identified it wrong on others? Of course, it's through the visual medium, one that is edited. It's a puzzle with large chunks missing, but we're getting a general idea of it. But we can be wrong. So how do we deal with that? Well, I don't have a correct answer.

Me in 2020/2021 would have been more affected because my mental health was not good. I was functionally depressed and I clinged so much onto BTS, Jikook and the small community that I found myself in at that time, that I would have felt a lot more torn than I am now.

A couple of years later and having to actually go through a situation in which my understanding of people's relationship might not be accurate, I realized I'm fine. And I think it's because it made me really register just now that I finally learned how to have fun with it. It took me three years. By having fun, I mean genuinely being able to simply enjoy the little things. I'm still on the path of not being ashamed for liking kpop or spending time talking about the dynamic/relationship of two people.

What prompted this post was reading what is currently being written in the jikook tag. Yes, I had this big introductory chunk that perhaps people won't bother reading, but I'm doing it for myself. If I can't be honest while writing stuff into the void for strangers to read, then what is the point?

I get frustrated very easily. I like debates and contradictory points of view, but not always. And that's because I like to be right. Almost all the time. So when I see something that I believe it lacks logic or I find it absurd, then my fingers are itching. I don't comment or DM people, I can control myself. I'd rather get out of the app and do something else.

What I want to say is I was surprised at how much fanfiction is being written. More that usual. Shipping contains a big deal of fanfiction by its nature. Gestures and events taking place at different times are interpreted and having information added that fills the gaps. People do that because they have to make sense of what they see.

They like to make relationship timelines. They speculate on first kisses and first sexual experiences. That's their imagination. None of us has any way of knowing. The element of fiction is heighted when people feel like they are losing control of the narrative. When they are unsure of what they are seeing. Which is what usually happens in the shipping community on a yearly basis. Anons flooding the bloggers' inboxes because they need confirmation or they didn't get any ship content in a month or two which means something is wrong.

There's this understanding that the shipper/supporter is delusional while the one who stops shipping is the rational one. From what I've observed throughout time and mostly now, that is a false distinction. The so-called rational fan makes use of fiction just as the shipper. The difference is in purpose. One talks about why the supposed romantic relationship is real and the other tries to refute that. But both categories seem to need fiction in order to build their arguments. That is because none of them have access to someone's private life and relationship, so the gaps need to be filled with speculation. There is no right or wrong version here, despite how much the idea is being pushed. And me writing about this won't make a difference. It's simply how the fandom works. The one who position themselves on the side of anti-delulu will always be seen as the less crazy one. The similarities will fade for the collective consciousness of the fandom.

I think it's difficult for a lot of people, regardless on which side they find themselves on, to accept that the option of simply not knowing is enough as well. Or knowing, but without getting anal about it. But it's hard and they write posts after posts, anons are sending asks over asks because there has to be a firm answer. Only a few allow themselves to be in between lines.

I'll bring back something that I always used to say. Shipping and involvement in the fandom is a lot more about us and less about the people we're talking about. It's about fullfiling some needs, of needing a community, of focusing on the idea of love. Those things can still be done in a way that still makes the experience enjoyable. But not everyone can and I'm not blaming it.

There's a way to just like how people behave with each other and imagine things without adding so much weight to it. Regardless of the true nature. It's our imagination, there's no need for a moral inquisition to tell anyone how to think or that they should stop thinking a certain way. Touching some grass is a cliche and an expression I ended up hating, but I do believe that being connected to discourse on a daily basis can really alter our sense of reality and what we consider to be real issues. We really should pay more attention to that and take some distance if necessary.