#i fade into the background so well that nobody would notice im the magical girl

[drop--pop--candy]

i should get to be a magical girl im the perfect candidate because i have 1) the whimsy and 2) nobody who cares enough abt my life to suspect i am one. it's perfect

[twistednuns]

September 2018

I spent the first week of September in Bali. I got my advanced diver's license and did my navigation dive with David in PadangBai. For the night and wreck dive I went up to Tulamben (and had the driver teach me how to open my chakras and read someone's aura - he even made me connect with my mother who wrote me an e-mail a few hours later asking if something was wrong because she had felt me very strongly) where I ate the very best tempeh satay skewers and fried eggplant at Warung Rusti (with a 90s playlist in the background - "Shalalalala!").

That night dive deserves it's own bullet point: It was the first time for me, I had never been under water at night before. After saying that I met real-life Gary (Spongebob's pet snail) I'll just include the message I wrote to a friend that night: Das war gerade so bombastisch. Mein erster Nachttauchgang, ich wusste überhaupt nicht was mich erwartet, und dann war das gleichzeitig noch ein Wracktauchgang - ich hatte das Wrack vorher noch nicht gesehen. Wow. Du steigst einfach nach Einbruch der Dunkelheit direkt am Strand ins Wasser und tauchst ab. Nach ein paar Minuten taucht plötzlich ein riesiger Schatten vor dir auf - die USAT Liberty. Könnte auf den ersten Blick allerdings auch ein Blauwal sein... Ich kann's gar nicht beschreiben. Du hast nur eine Taschenlampe dabei, auf einer Seite siehst du vage Schemen vom Boot das von hinten manchmal von anderen Tauchern angeleuchtet wird, auf der anderen Seite nur Dunkelheit, schwarze Tiefe. Das Allerbeste ist allerdings, die Taschenlampe auszumachen. Wenn man im stockfinsteren Wasser mit den Armen wirbelt, erzeugt man hunderte kleine Luftbläschen, die wie leuchtende Funken aussehen. Magisch! Hat das was mit Biolumineszenz zu tun? Muss recherchieren. Das ist so ein geiles Gefühl. Mitten im Nichts, in der Dunkelheit, um dich rum nur Wasser. Ständig am Überlegen, ob man nicht doch noch spontan Panik kriegen soll. Beim Auftauchen siehst du die Sterne über dir, den Mars, die Milchstraße. Vom Ufer siehst du das Meer an manchen Stellen milchig türkis aufblitzen - wo die Taucher tief unter der Wasseroberfläche das Wrack anleuchten.

Climbing a fucking volcano in the middle of the night. Seriously, climbing Mount Batur must be one of the most challenging things I've ever done. I wasn't ready for this. Getting up at 1am, only a weak flashlight against the darkness, shorts and a thin jacket against the cold. I got scratches, killed my knees, my lungs were angry as well. I fell. And I still don't know how but somehow I made it to the top. So I sat there, shivering, wet, in the thin air surrounded by clouds. Listening to Krishna Das because that's what I kept doing in quiet moments during my trip. So I witnessed the moon and the stars vanishing, the night growing fainter, the sunrise behind Mount Agung. Walking downhill wasn't any easier (I'll never be able to get the black earth stains out of my jeans) but I managed. My reward: an organic tomato for breakfast, straight from the field. And soaking in hot spring water at Toya Devasya. They had an infinity pool right in front of Lake Batur, just what I needed - even though I only started to notice how many of my muscles were mad at me.

Later, I went to Ubud where I took part in a cleansing/blessing ceremony at the Holy Spring Water Temple, Pura Tirta Empul. We got green bathing sarongs and made an offering before we got cleansed and "talked" to the spirits in the pool. In the afternoon we met a Balinese healer who basically only confirmed what I already knew. I must be on the right track, I suppose. Later I talked to Alex from the UK on the backseat of our car while the others had coffee. We were born one day apart and felt that there were a lot of similarities in our biographies. He asked me for advice on his panic attacks and what he could do about the mask he keeps wearing so that nobody gets to know the real Alex. It felt like a therapy session but I loved how open you can be around a total stranger.

Ubud treats: daily massages, affordable lash extensions, health food everywhere (Smoothie bowls! Veggie wraps! Goddess bowls! Oh, and Gelato Secrets, not healthy at all but delicious), a successful ring quest (good luck trying to find gold jewellery in Bali... but in the end I managed to find a gorgeous ring with a bluish green stone) and a whole day in a batik workshop where I learned the traditional technique from locals. Worth mentioning: the little girls dancing for us at the healer's place - especially the goofy, chubby one with her puppy and the girl in pink who would exaggerate the traditional eye movements and made me laugh / Riding a scooter - this time as a passenger on the back. The gorgeous view of the countryside north of Ubud. / Talking to the Canadian newlyweds about the NHL while having lunch with a view over the rice terraces. /

Magic for Humans

The stories Richard and Star Wars in Benedict Wells' new short story collection Die Wahrheit über das Lügen.

Silence. Thank you, ear plugs. I don't leave the house without Ohropax and a good book.

Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky. More or less the first science fiction book I've ever read but MAN that one is SMART. It's a take on human culture, mirrored by a tribe of very unexpected sentient animals. Worth mentioning: my new Kobo e-reader and OnLeihe (where you can get e-books from the library).

So I'm officially an adult now. Every single thing on this list is true for me. I don't really know why I'm putting this on my Things I Love list since it is pretty scary but at the same time I feel weirdly good about it.

Seeberger's trail mix salty/fruity with rhubarb, banana chips, almonds, peanuts, cranberries and physalis.

Celebrating autumn - even though I had a beautiful summer I'm kinda looking forward to sweater weather, crinkly leaves, gothic novels and pumpkin soup.

George Harrison with a beard and long hair was such a gorgeous human being. Listening to his songs on repeat at the moment.

Spending a day at the Isar with my students. We made a fire, they tought me how to skip stones (no talent) and after a while we couldn't bear the sun anymore so we just hopped into the river in our underwear. We walked along the gravel bank and allowed the water to carry us back to the others. I had such a good time.

What a musical conductor actually does on stage - such an interesting video, especially after many seasons of Mozart in the Jungle.

I know I've probably already said it but this recipe is absolutely delicious. Perfect for autumn. Not bad either: spelt crepes with a creamy chanterelle/champignon filling.

Finally finding a way to do a shoulder stand in yoga class even though my stomach muscles aren't strong enough.

Spending the evening with Manu. Who thinks I'm prettier without make-up. Who played with my hair. Who cooked for me. Who looked gorgeous that night. I mean, come on, open denim shirt over a hairy chest, wavy hair in a man bun with loose strands - that's just unfair. He played the guitar and we sang together. Trying to find a good duet to perform on Thursday (karaoke night!), ending up singing along to every weird song we could think of.

Nursing a yellow bell pepper plant back to health.

Sitting under a blanket outside, a captivating book on my lap, Dunkelgrün fast schwarz, watching the clouds being blown away by the warm autumn winds, flying leaves, deep in thoughts. The smell of family dinner in the air, the light fading away. A sense of longing in combination with melancholia and thoughts occuring on a meta-level, probably the result of too much writing, reading, dreaming, spending time alone.

A matte top coat turns Essie's Bahama Mama nail polish into pure velvet. I love the look and feel of it. So much more elegant and understated than shiny polish.

Give up comfort

My first karaoke night in Munich at Keg with Manu and Bibi. Performing together - my favourite was Because of You by Kelly Clarkson even though we were really bad. The atmosphere was pretty great. There were a lot of Brits around, probably because of the Oktoberfest. Folks were swinging a huge double-ended dildo around, we all danced with each other and I taught everyone German swear words. The good kind. After a few beers I just walked up to Manu (and Bibi!) and we started kissing. I kissed a GIRL and I liked it! Being thirty and somewhat confident is such a blessing. A lot of people kept saying that Manu and I should be a couple. Promising! Especially the girl who sang the Adele songs (and nailed it - voice twins!) was shipping us. Daw.

Dinner at Lena and Obi's wedding location. The waitress showed us around. I feld very grown-up asking questions and acting all responsible and busy.

Going shopping with Lena, trying to find a wedding dress for her. Falling in love with the coats at Zara. Unfortunately I still need to lose some weight in order to buy my clothes there.

Wondering how people actually perceive me. Sometimes I get the feeling that they see me as an angry feminist. But while being a feminist is totally fine with my - I guess I gotta work on my anger issues.

AnderART festival at Odeonsplatz - singing Wonderful Life with Ian, Jens and the GoSingChoir!

Meeting Manu L. at the Alcest concert. I liked talking to him that night. It was only the two of us and I liked how honest he was. And that he gave me a new, less emotional perspective on the whole deal with Frank.

Wearing black jeans, my new checked shirt, dark-rimmed glasses, a huge, soft grey scarf. Doc Martens. A headband.

Treating myself to a 100ml bottle of Byredo's Super Cedar perfume. I smell damn fine now.

On a Friday morning there was a cat downstairs in the subway station. She hung around at a corner and permitted me to pet her. She even jumped a little to meet my hand halfway. Very good start into the day.