#i experience intense emotion in other ways and i have simply realized that’s not one of the ones i’m interested in!

[callixton]

ya the key thing is that i do not experience romantic love. and that means that breaking up is the only thing i can do in good conscience when he clearly does but ooh. that conversations gonna hurt so fucking bad

[neyafromfrance95]

i loved galadriel's arc in s2, but not as much as in s1 and there are many different ways in which it could have been better.

i loved that she was shown to struggle with the denial of her taboo feelings for halbrand and with reconciling them with her hatred of sauron, now motivated even more to personally slay him. i loved how she was annoyed for not being in the leadership position instead of elrond, showcasing her ambition for power, leadership and personal persecution of sauron. i loved the battle, how she was the one to start fighting and did not stop fighting even tho sauron almost begged her to.

i agree with everyone that the dialogue was weak. however, i don't think it's really about the dialogue. i never believed galadriel would give in to evil!sauron (her willpower, pride and fear wouldn't allow it), but the temptation for power and the recognition of connection are there, so i wanted to see this crisis and angst displayed more intensely. i can forgive it, as it can be explained by galadriel setting her mind and spirit on blocking her personal emotions off and switching to the kill mode. but only if we see that personal, intimate struggle moving forward.

if she really overcame her interpersonal conflict with sauron and the darkness... it would simply be so out of character and inconsistent, that the only explanation would be that sauron really stole her soul and replaced her with a watered down galadriel who would give a lesser headache to elrond and gil-galad, lol.

first of all, there was no temptation in that battle, really. sauron didn't propose to her for the second time, he was set on breaking her down till she gave in to him (again, nenya=galadriel). yeah, he told her that the door was still open but he sought submission from her this time around (s1 finale was darkly romantic, s2 finale was darkly romantic too but even more so darkly erotic, if u know what i mean).

it doesn't make sense for galadriel to be devoted to and obsessed with slaying sauron for centuries only to get over it after battling him only once. it doesn't make sense for her interpersonal conflict to be resolved after the interaction where she emotionally closed herself off after the whole season of displaying the scandalous levels of mental illness and loser behavior over that man, lol.

i think what the majority of haladriels are discontent with, is this impersonal attitude galadriel had throughout the battle (save for a very impactful and significant reaction she had to halbrand, and other microexpressions). and i agree, i want her to scream at sauron for killing her brother, for betraying her, for deceiving her ("it was just an illusion" counts tho), not about the free peoples of the middle-earth.

but here is the thing. the reason why i feel uneasy about galadriel's attitude here, it that i'm anxious about the possibility that they won't get to come face to face in the future to have this sort personal of clash (fingers crossed 🤞 that the mind-palace is re-introduced in s3). but i do believe that it makes sense for galadriel to be closed off as a defense mechanism when she first saw sauron. he was changed, so she felt detached from this new form she wasn't adjusted to. it would make sense for her to "explode" emotionally only as the culmination of a slow realization that halbrand *is* sauron.

and as for the darkness, it would feel weird for her to be "healed" from her own darkness by the two men who kept lowkey "slutshaming" her.

now, there is a hope that they are going to *subvert* the viewer expectations and she is going to experience the effects of finally having touched the darkness, learning how to find the light even though there is the darkness in her. that would make for a far more interesting character journey than her not having to make decisions and mistakes bc she is an one-dimensional good girl.

as for the things i would have loved to have seen in s2:

galadriel being alienated and bullied as a child and only having finrod who understood her was hinted at in the beginning, but it would have been great if we had some more flashbacks expanding on this in s2. it would help the audiences to really sympathize with galadriel's obsession with revenge more.

and it would have been so cool to see the flashbacks into her quests and crusades, her knight adventures, how she actually started to *enjoy* fighting and power while the darkness crept into her heart, to the point it became part of her, to the point sauron became an intrinsic part of her identity. after all, she was so obsessed with the idea of slaying him that she turned her back on heaven, her home and risked literally everything for him.

and i mostly talk about galadriel/haladriel in this blog, but i have to say, im disappointed with the overall treatment of the female characters in this season. my third favorite character after gal/sau is miriel and i feel like she was sidelined in numenor plotline too. going into the sea was epic and showcased how worthy and dignified she is, and i absolutely adore her chivalric romance with elendil, but it still felt like they could have done much more with her, or at least given her a pov.

idk, i hope s3 improves these flaws of s2 and doesn't cater to the incels, but their loudness is worrisome.

[beneathsilverstars]

You've established that Odile has rather unhinged taste in people. Do you have further headcanons on that topic?

Hm... Most of the adjacent headcanons that I could talk about here would require a lot of psychological and cultural context. So let's just talk about that context!

As a child, Odile was disconnected from her peers due to heritage, temperament, and latent transgenderism. As lonely children sometimes do, she decided that she didn't need or want friends anyway, and even if she did, it wouldn't be any of these losers! They were always wasting their time on fun and social useless things that she was too weird smart and special to be invited want to do. She studied very hard and excelled in school, did a couple extracurriculars that didn't require much teamwork, and at some point during adolescence realized that unfortunately the Vaugardians were correct about the changing genders thing.

Ka Buan philosophy encourages people to understand themselves, refine themselves, explore different facets of themselves — but not change themselves, because fundamental characteristics simply cannot be changed. Accordingly, gender-noncomforming fashion and binding/padding and nicknames are fine, hormones and surgery/bodycraft and declaring yourself a different gender are not. But Odile wasn't one to let social mores stop her, so once she reached adulthood, she left her hometown and showed up at the city as Odile. And not just any city, but one with a reputation for cutting-edge craft research and certain countercultures.

You can't just show up and ask around for where the illegal bodycrafting is, though. You have to meet people, win their trust, let them introduce you to other people, repeat. Odile... honestly wasn't that great at it. She hadn't had much cause to practice social skills, so she wasn't very friendly or persuasive! But she was determined, thorough, confident, passionate, genuine in her intentions, and newly hot — and you can get away with a certain amount of blunt arrogance when you're hot. You just have to let people assume you're too cool and busy for humble niceties, which Odile did quite easily, because she's always thought of herself as such. So she found her way through the right queer punk circles eventually and completed her physical transition!

And she liked those circles. The people she met and the topics they discussed and the things they did were all so much more interesting than she had assumed any peers of hers could be! But she still considered herself more competent and correct than anyone else around her, because why would that change just because she moved? Her success in transitioning just further proved that she could do anything if she tried hard enough, that she was right all along in assuming her social failures were due not to lack of skill but last of interest. So she ended up in this dynamic where she was impressed by the people around her and wanted to have fun with them and learn more about them, but also thought herself better than them and above such things as kindness or friendship.

And she was in that "holy shit I'm surrounded by dykes and I'm a dyke now too" stage that some queer people experience after they come out.

So, she wasn't interested in boring. She wasn't interested in nice. She wasn't interested in regular people with regular concerns, like the peers who excluded her in her youth. She wasn't interested in romance or committed relationships or being emotionally vulnerable.

And, she wasn't put off by annoyance, because people annoyed her as a whole anyway. She wasn't put off by danger, because she was sure she could handle anything. She wasn't put off by clashing personalities, because it wasn't like she was planning to go on long walks on the beach with any of her partners anyway.

Thus, she found herself drawn to the most exciting people in the room. Interpersonal drama, emotional outbursts, poorly-thought-out-choices, intense obsession, risky hobbies... it was all oh-so thrilling! Of course, she did realize that the people she was attracted to had major, glaring flaws. But Odile was determined, thorough, confident, passionate, genuine in her intentions, and newly hot. If she couldn't fix them, who could?

We know from Odile's optional sidequest that when she sees something suspicious, she dedicates herself to solving the mystery. We know from her presence at Mirabelle's side that when she sees a problem, she steps in to help, because if you want something done right you do it yourself. The one major exception? The topic that has her backing down, giving up, confessing incompetence?

Emotions.

She has long since learned that she is not actually very good at fixing those.

[bambi-kinos]

I just came across your analysis of However Absurd and thought it was lovely. I'm curious, as someone who thinks John and Paul had some kind of romantic or sexual relationship, what is your take on The Lovers That Never Were? Is he using the word "lovers" to mean "partners"? I have always interpreted it to mean that Paul knows there was something there but it never happened. Every time I start to be convinced that they were together in some way I think of this song and the devastating way Paul sings it in the demo and the heartbreaking fact that he still felt it that intensely 13 years after John's death.

Oh wow thank you! The server had a lot of fun discussing that, if it's good it's because I had a little help from my friends heheh (─‿‿─) ♡

I ended up writing a massive novel in response to all this so I hope you enjoy reading it heheh. For server members, I've pulled some quotes from my previous Discord essays on this topic so you'll see some stuff that you've read.

tl;dr - I don't think "The Lovers That Never Were" contradicts the secret relationship theory at all! I think it compliments it very well actually.

In order to get into All That, I will outline how I perceive what their relationship was built on and how they reacted to it. I should note that I don't consider this definitive. It's important to remember that we all have unique interpretations of John and Paul because of our experiences and our personal POVs. There is no single answer until Paul decides to tell us what happened and/or Sean publishes John's diaries (written and audio). Until that happens, we are all forced to look at the same material and draw our own conclusions which will naturally be shaped through our personal perceptions. Some of us are older and are much closer to the original culture that John and Paul were raised in; some of us are younger and grew up in a much more LGBT+ positive environment. This naturally has an impact on how we interpret John and Paul's relationship.

I say this because I know my POV on John and Paul is a bit different from everyone else's. I'm a historian by training but part of being a historian is the understanding that you will never fully understand the events as they happened because your personal viewpoint and inherent bias is simply too strong. But that's okay because this is a part of humanity that we all share, yeah? With that understanding LET'S GO!

Paul My view on Paul is that he's always understood that he's different from other men. I doubt he could put a name to it until very recently. Paul has synesthesia, he's bisexual, he connects to music in a savant-like way, he's neurodivergent which is why he takes criticism so hard, and all of that would still be true even if he didn't have left over emotional issues from his mother dying the way she did + his fraught relationship with his father.

Keep in mind that circumstantial evidence points to the idea that Paul orchestrated the meeting at the fête! He realized he had a mutual friend with John in Ivan (who is to say that he did not meet Ivan at a QM performance and had that mental realization there?) He went through Hot Girl Summer before and after the fête, wanting to be fucking fit so that he wasn't embarrassed to meet John! I did the same thing when I had a crush as a teenager!

So with all that in mind, imagine this: you're Paul McCartney. You met John Lennon barely a year after Mary died. You turned 15 on June 18th, 1957 and met John at the fête on July 6, 1957. At some undetermined point before this garden party you saw a beautiful boy on the bus and began riding it obsessively hoping the Teddie boy would get on it. You followed him to the chippie and stood in line behind him…allegedly because you thought "oh wow he looks so cool." Marky Mark thinks (and I agree) that you may have even followed John to at least one Quarry Man show before the fête. Is this 'normal' behavior? Or is this the unhinged behavior of a teenager with a massive crush? The kind that comes about when you see a cute boy with red hair, and red is the color you associate with happiness, and then you find out that he plays guitar just like you and you follow him around until you see one of his performances and he's so good he knocks you back and then someone says "hi Paul, I didn't know you liked music!" behind you. And you realize that it's your friend and that you can meet the boy you have a crush on through this friend. You just need to lose weight and grow your hair out first.

When did Paul first see John, anyway? Before he turned 15 I'd wager.

I submit the idea that Paul has been in love John Lennon for his entire life. It will be 67 years of love when this July 6th rolls around. John was making a name for himself, he was known around town as "that Lennon." A minor celebrity like we’ve all had in our hometowns. Paul loved music. Before the internet you would go to the town square to hear a band.

Paul did that. Saw John. Pursued him with intent. When John went to Gambier Terrace to be with Stuart, Paul made a nuisance of himself showing up at their parties and playing the proto-version of "Michelle" in front of the girls…and John.

I love you, I love you, I love you That's all I want to say Until I find a way I will say the only words I know that You'll understand

I don't think that a 15 year old Paul McCartney would explicitly label his feelings for John as 'love' or a 'crush' but I do think that's what happened. When you're a teenager, a crush can express itself in many different ways. I used to have a big crush on a girl who was a volleyball player at my junior high school…that expressed itself as intense admiration. I even told one of my friends that I thought she was 'really cool.' It wasn't until later that I realized that I had a crush on her.

But I think that Paul has always known that he's 'different' and that he wasn't like other boys while growing up. Part of his touchiness about his looks comes from being bullied but I also think that he's a lot more self aware than he pretends to be. I think he realized relatively fast how he felt about John (maybe once John picked up with Stuart and Cynthia at art college.) I think he carried that with him for years hence his anguished response to being jilted in Hamburg and how furious he was at John for running off to Spain with Brian. He didn't realize it immediately but once it sticks to you then it fucking sticks. I think that Paul has done a lot internal wrestling with being a bisexual man and what that means for him and that he has been wrestling with it for decades. I think he was fully in the grip of that wrestling as he and John's friendship began growing and Paul realized what was happening to him. He does enjoy women but I also think that he felt it was necessary to pursue them heavily as a young man to camouflage himself.

I don't think a day has gone by since 1957 where Paul has not known what he was. What exactly that means for him…is up for interpretation. That's where the gray area is. But IMO Paul has almost always known that he's sexually attracted to other men and that John woke this in him. The big question for Paul is what he should do about it.

John There's been a lot written about John and his sexuality that I won't rehash here but truthfully I think John was in a similar place to Paul in knowing that he's always had a sexual preference for other men. John was a lot less comfortable about it though. Having unprotected sex with his girlfriends was, IMO, John trying to subconsciously engineer a situation that would "fix" him via an accidental pregnancy necessitating a marriage.

Of course that didn't do anything because it never does. John still felt chemistry with Paul when they met at the fête, with that quote about them "circling each other like cats." IMO John felt something immediately -- it's not entirely clear what -- though I don't think it "love at first sight" like with Paul. IMO their friendship, while still rooted in that chemistry, developed very naturally for John and he got to enjoy a platonic relationship with Paul before he put it all together. I say this because John saw Paul as a kid, not a peer, and that this endured for their lives in Liverpool pre-Hamburg. I struggle to imagine John or Paul deliberately inciting sexual or romantic contact during that time period aside from the group wank sessions (which were really trolling sessions from John.) Like, when Julia died, John went out and sought peers at art college like Cynthia and Stuart, other students his age. John and Paul bonded over losing their mothers and Paul has that quote about pranking people with the "oh yeah…my mum's dead thanks <3" bit but it also seems like John didn't want to be around that all the time. He lost his Uncle George and then his mother, he was starting to think that he was a death-curse on men in his family and that he brought suffering with him. He wanted to be away from that so he took a vacation from music to get a chance of scenery. Which meant putting Paul in a place of competition with Stuart and Cyn but I don't think John was thinking of that initially (though he exploited the situation later.)

Then Hamburg happens and they run wild. I have an entire meta about this that you can read here but I genuinely think John did not see Paul as a full fledged adult and potential sexual partner until they were in Hamburg in the red light district. I think that something happened there that we don't know about, that it's tied up in Stuart deciding to be with Astrid, John jilting Paul, Paul saying "fuck you I'm done" and getting a job at the coil winding factory in Liverpool after being deported, John tracking Paul down and spending weeks (probably) groveling and then giving Paul an ultimatum to come back to the Beatles. All of that screams 'I just realized I'm in love with my best friend and I'm freaking the fuck out' to me lmao.

John and Paul Of course something else changed after that too and John and Paul ended up becoming so close that even the Liverpool squares around them noticed. I think that whatever was going in their relationship, it started here. In the place where John and Paul were equally distraught with each other, the future of the band was uncertain, and Paul wanted a sign of commitment from John so that he didn't feel like he wasted years of his life. And of course John always felt compelled to be the man Paul wanted him to be so he treated Paul to a vacation in Paris which was so life affirming for them that it stayed with them for the rest of their lives. IMO the Paris vacation was explicitly romantic for them.

I think a switch flipped in 1961 and they went from "messing around" to "there's something there." It erupted in Paris and they showed each other more understanding and care then they expected from each other. John did sexy pin up poses for Paul in a bed that they shared; John remembers how the French held each other in their arms and just kissed each other, lovingly; Paul felt that he discovered the answer and that all those big name philosophers had nothing on the self realization he came to inside himself. Paul even took a photo of John that high lighted his package! Thanks to @louiselux for pointing this one out:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing. — John Lennon, Playboy interview 1980

“We were like Paris existentialists. Jean-Paul Sartre had nothing on us. Sod ‘em all - I could write a novel… It was all inside me. I could do anything now.”

Paul McCartney, Anthology

Something happened in Paris and it wasn't just them getting haircuts and John buying Paul milkshakes. There was commitment there. And then the spell comes over them again when they return in January 1964:

The first night, John and Paul stayed in their suite, listening to records and reading fan mail. George, who had been signed for 100 pounds a day by the Daily Express to write of his experiences in Paris, went to a nightclub in the Place Pigalle.

Back in the City of Light, John and Paul slept till three o'clock in the afternoon. That much everybody agreed on.

Quote by Vincent Mulchrone from Daily Mail: George Harrison was astir early, but John Lennon and Paul McCartney slumbered on until frantic photographers forced them at lens point into the Champs-Élysées.

Derek Taylor (a British journalist) wanted to know why the Beatles slept so much. "My office wants to know what they're doing in Paris, so they'd better be doing something."

Love Me Do by Michael Braun

But I know what you're thinking. "What the hell does this all have to do with these two songs?"

And my reply is to keep a few things in mind:

Paul takes criticism and slights incredibly hard, possibly overreacting in some places and letting them overwhelm him mentally.

He never got over Barcelona, he never stopped resenting Stuart and Brian, he never got over John pulling the rug out from under him regarding the order of their names in the song credits. He contemplated committing suicide by smothering himself while he was in Scotland recovering from John leaving him.

John Lennon had a baby with a woman in the middle of all this. Julian Lennon was born April 8, 1963, conceived in July 1962, less than a year after Paris.

However Absurd & The Lovers That Never Were I listened to "However Absurd" and "The Lovers That Never Were" in that order. My immediate reaction is that these are both the same kind of song: they are both expressing sadness and frustration with John. This is a common theme with Paul's post-1980 John songs. What I find interesting is that they depict different though related gripes regarding John. In "However Absurd" Paul is expressing his longing for a cottagecore fantasy romance with John and then expressing frustration at John mocking him for it:

Ears twitch, like a dog Breaking eggs in a dish Do not mock me when I say This is not a lie

But in "The Lovers That Never Were" Paul expresses a different gripe: frustration that John won't commit to him and "anticipating" the break up that he secretly knew was coming ever since 1963 when John abandoned him and his own son to play patty-cake with Brian in Spain:

I hang patiently on every word you send Will we ever be much more than just friends? As for you, you sit there playing this game You keep me waiting

When all of the clocks have run down All over the world We'll be the lovers that never were

For as long as the sun shines in somebody's eyes I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies For as long as the trees throw down blossoms and leaves I know there will be a parade of unpainted dreams

And I know dear, how much it's going to hurt If you still refuse to get your hands dirty So you, you must tell me something… I love you Say goodbye or anything

All of the clocks have run down Time's at an end If we can't be lovers we'll never be friends

John's penchant for disregarding Paul's feelings and even weaponizing them against Paul; the dashing of Paul's cottagecore dreams that were made and solidified in Paris; the fact that John, no matter what his intentions, could not get his shit together and commit to Paul no matter what he may have felt. These two songs are not contradictory to one another. Paul's idea of "commitment" looks very much like what he had with Linda and John in 1967: sharing a home, sharing a bed, being together every day, preferably somewhere green and remote. Exclusivity. Remember that Paul deliberately sabotaged his relationship with Jane Asher by nailing a woman in their bed when Jane came home, knowing perfectly well that he was breaking their exclusivity agreement.

That IMO, is what makes someone a lover and not just a friend you have sex with and secretly pine for. No cheating, or at least your agreed version of it. No disrespecting the relationship. Continuously being together. What did John do instead of this?

I think that Paul started out his "relationship" with John carrying high hopes and then watched them crumble to dust, over and over, because John simply did not take him seriously. He got Cynthia pregnant, he ran around on Paul with Brian, he had the nerve to flip out on Jane Asher when Paul brought her around when he was the one who couldn't stay faithful to Cynthia.

My hot take is that these songs demonstrate that Paul simply could not imagine John ever truly committing to him and treating him as a true partner. The homophobia and yes ~society~ is in there too but Paul was happy to flout this when it came to just about anyone else, traipsing all over France with Fraser and Mal. The difference is that he flat out didn't trust John. Being jilted for Stuart in Hamburg loomed too big in his head. Cynthia and Julian loomed too big in his head. Brian and Barcelona, realizing that John would happily betray whatever agreements or understandings he had with Paul simply to screw Paul out of a deal, loomed too big in his head. I think in particular its Barcelona that made Paul think John didn't value any of their professed ideals. John broke Paul's heart years before Yoko came along.

He didn't trust John. Fatalism is easier than taking control of your own life sometimes, and in Paul's mind there was no reason to believe John was genuine. Like, Paul knew John very well! He had very good reason to think that John was simply not serious about him. And John, no matter what his intentions were, proved that correct over and over and over and over.

So ultimately, I think that's what these songs are about. The melodies don't necessarily reflect this when I listened to them but I think that "The Lovers That Never Were" in particular is juxtaposing bitter wink-and-nod lyrics with an oddly perky tune. It's Paul laughing at himself for ever thinking John was willing to commit. He's mocking himself because while he allowed himself to get swept up in the dream of a possible genuine relationship with John, he knew deep down that it would go the way it did. That John would find a reason to get tired of him and abandon him. And then when Yoko came along, that's exactly what John did. Paul fatalistically accepted that the time had come and John met Paul's low expectations of him.

The Weight I don't think John and Paul necessarily planned to have a secret relationship. It seems more like they bundled the sexual/romantic stuff into their "thing" where it was just part and parcel of who they were and what they did. "It's only gay if the balls touch" etc. At some point that changed but Paul became convinced early on that it wouldn't work out so he didn't acknowledge his own secret desires and dreams. There was no roadmap between him and John about where they were taking this exactly and how they were going to make it work. He had sex with John and even engaged with romantic actions with John, hoping against hope that something would change and he would be proven wrong, but then John would be careless and Paul would collapse into hurt.

And oh yeah: Paul never, ever discussed any of this with John Lennon. He never told John how hurt he was because he didn't want to put up with John's derision. He felt devalued and lost and in typical Paul fashion he chose to ignore this for years and never bring it up, forcing it to come out in bizarre nonsensical actions when he inevitably boiled over. Why would he choose to confront it? He made sure to set up several safety nets to catch him! Jane and the Ashers, striking out on his own with "The Family Way" score, rubbing John's face in his escapades with other males as a way to go 'see, I don't need you just like you don't need me. How about THAT?'

I don't think John ever intended to hurt Paul as badly as he did. He thought that if Paul was upset about something then he would know via their ~telepathic connection.~ I think that he deliberately overlooked warning signs because he felt intensely guilty about certain actions he took (God only knows which ones) and that he helped himself not see Paul's hurt. I do think if he had the slightest idea of what was going on in Paul's head then he would have changed tactics immediately out of fear of losing Paul forever. But at heart John was a coward and if he didn't want to see something was wrong then he wouldn't see it unless something forced his hand. Like say, having his former best friend/ex-lover look him in the eye and go "I can write new songs" and kill The Beatles in a court of law. (And of course once he realized what he had done, years after the fact, it was too little too late. He couldn't take it back. How do you make up for inflicting that much hurt on someone that you supposedly care for? This paralyzed John for years.)

This was obviously a huge mistake and I think it was one of the landmines that blew their relationship up. Paul allowed his distrust and bitterness to overwhelm him. He should have been honest with John about his feelings; maybe not immediately but when they were able to look back with some perspective. Paul should have realized that their relationship could take heat. He should have trusted John more and if he had then John could have risen to the occasion. Everything could have been different. No more "I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies." No more "Do not mock me when I say/This is not a lie."

He even expresses this in a third song, one that IMO puts this entire thing into perspective and ties these three songs together with a neat bow. "This One":

Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye Tell you that 'I do?' Did I ever open up my heart And let you look inside?…

Did I ever touch you on the cheek Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile? Did I ever knock upon your door Try to get inside?…

Please take note of the bolded "Tell you that 'I do'!" Paul's deepest regret with regards to John is not trusting him more. He wishes that he had opened up to John about his hurt and how he angry he was that John was devaluing their relationship. That he wanted to commit to John but that he was scared John wouldn't say 'I do' back.

From John's POV he's just being John; he's looking out for the band. God knows he tried to be what Paul needed him to be but he got mixed signals and inconsistent behavior and Paul's ice queen behavior frustrated him to no end. This resulted in an endless circle of "fuck you/no no no, fuck YOU/well fuck you then!/fuck you" that ended up killing what they had.

But John is guilty in this too. He never made himself accountable to Paul. He didn't explain his actions. He acted rashly and selfishly and then was shocked when it blew up in his face. He didn't consistently act like he loved Paul. He took Paul for granted and told himself that he was doing the right thing, because changing your behavior is very very hard. He didn't let Paul in when it mattered.

Did you ever take me in your arms Look me in the eye, tell me that 'you do?'

As Paul grew up and he started to come to grips with the "What happened" of it all, maybe he realized that he had procrastinated. That he put off what mattered most because he couldn't bear to make himself vulnerable as a young man. Maybe he was waiting for a perfect moment to open himself up to John knowing perfectly well it would never arrive, a common delaying tactic for insecure and avoidant people. Not admitting that the perfect moment would never come and that he had to extend trust to receive it in return.

If I never did it, I was only waiting For a better moment that didn't come There never could be a better moment Than this one, this one

I think he's still angry at John for multiple betrayals, slaps to the face, and devaluing the specialness of their relationship and their affection for each other. But I also think that Paul is angry at himself for not trusting John, for not working harder at their relationship. He also delivered multiple betrayals and slaps to the face to John, feeding John's insecurity and fears of abandonment. Making a mockery of their relationship and how special it was. Paul has been doing public penance for this ever since John died, which snapped everything into perspective and he finally realized the full scope of his own screw ups.

Because it took two to destroy a relationship this intense and this special. If Paul did not know that before...

Well. He does now.

[13eyond13]

Something I think fiction does sometimes is make sex represent the end goal for relationships so often that if two characters sleep together it causes readers to automatically see them as truly in love / that it would solve all problems for the pair to be together forever, even when that isn't necessarily what the narrative is trying to say / depict otherwise.

I am thinking about this because of Guts and Casca... to me they sleep together initially almost as an act of friendship? A way of experimenting with each other and learning about sex, perhaps of distracting themselves from the person they're both more actually into, and of course also because they do care about each other and maybe are attracted to one another on some level, and want to see what it would be like to try to get even closer together. But I think the story also makes it pretty clear that Guts is more emotionally invested in his relationship with Griffith than with Casca, in what you might call a narratively romantic sense... and Casca is shown sort of seeing the futility of her feelings for Griffith and eventually growing apart from him that way pre-Eclipse, even though she still cares for him the most out of everyone she knows (though I don't think he ever feels nearly the same way about her). So getting with Griffith isn't end game for Casca (and she herself eventually realizes that), but I also don't read Casca as a character for whom getting with Guts is the end game character arc-wise, either. I'm not sure Miura even had a concrete end-game character arc in mind for her, to be honest. I feel as though unfortunately she was written mostly as something to be used between Griffith and Guts rather than to end up having her own fully realized narrative journey in the same way that Guts (and maybe also Griffith) will. I want to see her and Guts as friends and at peace more than I want to see them live happily ever after together as a couple, because I feel like that's actually more how they really feel for one another than anything else. Granted, there's a bit of an interesting ironic twist in the story that happens during the Eclipse, where Griffith (unintentionally?) drives Guts and Casca closer together than I think they might have been otherwise with the trauma that he causes them both (even though I think their relationship is probably something he'd be jealous of and read as more romantic than it actually might be and wish to destroy, simply due to his own insecurities and his own possessive feelings for Guts). But I also didn't really read Guts' reactions in the Eclipse scene as Guts being jealous and possessive over Casca in a sexual / romantic sense - I read it more as him feeling empathy for her pain and desire to protect her from harm / from the darker side of Griffith he maybe knew about a bit better than anybody else. I DO care about Guts and Casca's relationship a lot, and find it one of the most emotionally compelling things in the story. But I don't think shipping them together for a happily ever after is really what I'd want for them, nor something that the narrative was actually trying to work towards / suggest to be the best ending for anybody involved? I don't know if I think shipping Guts and Griffith necessarily is either, particularly because of how irredeemably awful Griffith behaved during the Eclipse... but I DO think the story intentionally hinges more around the Griffguts relationship and their emotional journeys / character developments than it does about any other pair/relationship in the series, and that both of them have intense unresolved feelings for each other that come off much more suggestive and stronger than ones of just simply wanting to be friends. And I think all of these characters are pretty explicitly aware of that themselves even in the story as well.

Haha I don't even know what I'm trying to even say here except to work out some of my own thoughts about the main 3 that I care about, I suppose!

[degreedummy]

Bridgerton Astrology- Part 2: LADY AGATHA DANBURY

Capricorn Ascendant-

To start off, I believe a Saturnian rulership is a beautiful placement for Lady Agatha. I feel like the balance this placement finds in her chart will be better explained by other placements, but for her Ascendant: I believe a Capricorn Ascendant most accurately reflects the way that her journey through complete loneliness stays misunderstood, by her own control. An immediate example of this rulership, as morbid as it may be, is her detailing the way she was raised to be a wife-- not just anyone's wife, but Lord Danbury's wife. Her identity wasn't just neglected, it was entirely rejected for the benefit of other people. There was no punishment, the purpose given to her in life was treated as a matter of fact. The reason I see beauty in her Ascendant is because of how [Saturn] death itself is what gives her freedom. Death allows her to find herself, to experience love for the first time, to realize that she can enjoy and want to have sex with someone. More than that, I think Saturn is visible through the way her world crashes around her, and how she's suddenly told that everything she was taught means nothing. In her back-and-forth with the Dowanger Princess, the Princess refuses to let her cry, not even because she is trying to neglect Lady Agatha's feelings, but because her need for strength is, again, treated as a fact of life. Continuously, her need to fight is not a choice, but you would never see that struggle in her eyes. In fact, the only emotion she couldn't hide was love, and it's what brought her closer to Lady Violet, the second person she's ever called a friend.

(8H) Leo Sun-

When it comes to her Leo Sun, I think this is most easily expressed through the way she simply refuses to let anyone ruin her happiness, like her brother for example. She has a bright personality, she's a loving person, but that intense energy so quickly snaps back to ravenously bite anyone who threatens her mood. To me, [Sun conjunction Mars] this shows the root of why she simply will never change, and why not changing works for her. This shows why she never wants to be married again, and why not getting married works for her. Normally, an unmarried older woman would be cast aside to the shadows, dismissed by the ton, but her story is one that even the youngest children love to hear pieces of. She is a mystery that people want to unravel, the interest people have in her life isn't something she's ever had to perform for. I think the 8H placement of this Sun would reflect back onto her life in the most literal sense, with how death gave her the freedom she needed to explore herself, but I think this 8H placement also speaks to the Queen, Lady Violet, the Den of Iniquity, Lady Whistledown, the way she keeps other women's secrets no matter what. I think, maybe the most arguable point I can make about every placement I've listed, this is the hardiest of them all. It shows her heart, the strength she finds in understanding the struggle women face in this world alone, even when married.

(5H) Taurus Moon-

Easily explained by her experience with her first marriage, with how she had no concern for love knowing that her material needs were cared for, I think this Moon can actually go much deeper than the money. She is no user, she's never taken more than she needs, but life demands that she carve a place for herself with her own hands. She learns she must demand respect, that she can't wait for people to eventually realize her worth, Lady Danbury accepts never marrying again because her individuality is a demand she makes. Being a 5H Moon, she is more than prepared to face the world alone, but that is directly contrasted by her genuine desire for community, to be involved with the happiness and love around her. Nothing she's gone through has alienated her from her desire to be a part of something more, to make something of herself, and even the most challenging people were understanding of her fight. Comfort, security are both heavy topics in her life, her entire life weighing on every decision she makes. While the same can be said for other people in the ton, I think it's easily neglected that that she has no one to turn to, a fact she's grown so comfortable with that the Queen has to tell her it would be disrespectful to not ask for help. I think her Moon is also visible in the way she forms a relationship with the Queen, the way her sense of innocent humanity makes the Queen feel safe enough to run away to live in her home. In that same breath, [Moon trine Ascendant] she quickly has to steady herself, just to give the Queen enough confidence to go back. Through her own experiences, I think she understands that growing complacent in any way is dangerous, and it's like she waits until people are at their most vulnerable to give them a push forward. While I think this gives her an Earthy chart, I don't think she's someone people expect to live perfectly, I actually think this influence is why people give her so much grace. There is never a question of how hard she works, of what she deserves, people leave her untouched to take on a war she can only win for herself.

(7H) Cancer Mercury-

I think this could be the most debatable placement listed, but that's only if you're looking to the relationship and marriage side of the 7H. I think her Cancer Mercury is expressed in two contrasting ways, the first being the most emotional: Becoming friends with the daughter of the person she loved, learning how to release the guilt she felt and understanding that love is the most important feeling of all. She came to an understanding with Lady Violet about this, as half-spoken as it was, because they understood there was no ill intention behind either of their hearts. For as intense and driven as she can be, she stands in defense of love, completely still. I think this Mercury placement is why she never necessarily gets in arguments with people, she tries her hardest to handle all disagreements with grace. To bring it back to her brother, [Mercury sextile Moon] the only time she really gets angry is when someone is posing a threat to the safety and happiness of the people around her. Speaking to the frayed edges of a Cancer Mercury, we even see the way she misunderstands her brother's intentions, all because of something that happened years ago. That doesn't [Cancer] invalidate her feelings, but [7H] remembering things her own way and never hearing the other side left her with bitter memories, memories that did almost take happiness away from her. If she had never heard her brother out, she would have missed out on the opportunity to have a completely new relationship with him. Cancer 7H, she has to find balance with her emotions and the beliefs of other people. When it comes to the second side of her Cancer Mercury, I think we actually have to look at the shell of the crab, in how she understands that marriage is a contractual agreement. Even in having no interest in marriage herself, she plays a necessary part in bringing other people together, watching from the back of the room and finding the best matches for each season. While it's the Queen's word that sets things into motion, it's Lady Agatha's opinion that guides her hand. I think her 7H Cancer Mercury is about everything but the most obvious themes, it's about how she helps love itself find a voice. She doesn't need someone by her side to feel love, she watches it every time she brings people together, standing back as the world finds its own way. Cancer Mercury can be soft spoken, and she never demands anyone pursue a marriage they don't want, but it's made obvious many times that she knows what people want before they're ready to admit it.

(10H) Libra Venus-

When it comes to her Venus, I think this placement is more affirmation of many things I mentioned before, [Venus square Ascendant] with how she doesn't marriage to understand commitment and love. The 10H is known to represent peoples' career, and her place in society is literally to be a matchmaker, someone who uses silk-gloved hands to bring two people together. I think this placement affirms what I said before about how she stands by love, still and unwavering, but I think this also adds onto how... for all the positivity and enjoyment there is in her career, her reputation rests on her ability to make successful marriages happen. We see this in the show, when issues start being made public it instantly blew back to Lady Agatha, because the opinion she handed down to the Queen made the Queen look bad. I always find it interesting when a sign known for companionship is placed over the 10H, because I don't think they have to be the face of their own success. In Queen Charlotte, we see the Queen tell Lady Agatha that it would be disrespectful for her to behave like the Queen is not capable of helping her, but more than that, she was told that she shouldn't be afraid to rely on the power she has, even the power she has through other people. I think there's a deeper aspect of her personality that fears being manipulative or abusive in any way, and [Libra 10H] she makes it a point to never use force unless she's approached with it. I think this Venus simply speaks to an already confident person being surrounded by people who want her to be more confident. She doesn't often find herself around people with twisted intentions, she is loved by people who genuinely love her, which is why most conversations can go completely unspoken.

(8H) Leo Mars-

Jumping back to the sign that is Leo, I think her Mars calls back to the beauty I was saying I see in her chart. Having a Leo Mars, I believe this is why her intentions are clear and her decisions are precise. This isn't to say she doesn't keep secrets, but it's no secret that she is. I think a peak moment for her Mars is when she indirectly confirms to the Queen that she does know who Whistledown is. This wasn't a betrayal, this wasn't a lie, it was an understanding that she was keeping a secret so that they both can continue their game. I believe this even calls back to what I said before about her keeping secrets for other women, because as much as the Queen valued her game, Lady Agatha knew that Penelope valued her freedom, something she can very closely relate to. Her Mars isn't violent, it's forward, so much that everyone knows what she stands for. It's only as [Mars] the storm passes that she expresses her true feelings, like explaining to Penelope how she knew the entire time. If she were really destructive, there's so many cards she could play, but she simply doesn't. I think another peak moment of expression is actually when she broke down laughing, telling Lady Violet that she had no idea what to do anymore. I think [Mars inconjunction Ascendant] this speaks to the way she... is left alone to deal with the chaos that surrounds her, people claiming to have so much confidence in her that they never reach out a helping hand. I think her Mars really speaks to the simplicity of her chart, the way everything works together to make Lady Agatha... Lady Agatha, the one and only. I think it does become difficult to explain her personality, because she doesn't need a reason for anything, and she feels no reason to explain her decisions if she doesn't want to. Lady Agatha simply, is.

[gravedangerahead]

I don't know, buddy. I think this should make you rethink saying stuff like "I hate microlabels" in the first place? Not to put you on blast or anything, you're just the latest in a long line of people I've seen making arguments like these.

There's basically no genuine problem you can have with microlabels that does not simply apply to labels in general

I think it's important to be in community and solidarity with people independently of whether you have the exact same label, and to realize there are plenty of shared experiences across different queer identities.

Practically none of it is the exclusive realm of one particular identity and we don't need to be atomized. And it is, in fact, in our best political interest to stick together and fight together

Labels are a way of classifying and categorizing the infinitely diverse range of human experience. That can be helpful and that can cause problems. (I think there are criticisms of diagnostics that might apply, and some of our words actually originate in that realm.) It's important to remember that they are not material reality and they do not define your experiences, but are merely a culturally defined tool to help you understand them, that may be more or less useful given the situation

I'm always quick to tell people that labels are meant to be helpful and if trying to find one is stressing them out rather than helping, a label is simply not required. Those people might still feel like it's important to them to find the right words, and I'm not gonna pretend to know better than them

There are plenty of people who are perfectly happy being just queer, and not trying to figure out their identities any further than that. There are people going through intense anxiety while trying to figure out if they're lesbian or bi. Why do we need those intermediary labels then? Do they just atomize us? Are they unnecessary boxes? Or is that only a problem when it comes to those newfangled ones at the end of the acronym?

I think there are more people who feel like they have to figure out where exactly they fall in the big 4 identities than people who are distressed because they feel like they have to figure out a microlabel they fit in, tbqh. And there's plenty of separatist sentiment among them too

Plenty of people find meaning and expression in being butch or femme. Why shouldn't people choose a new word that they feel best defines their own unique gender identity? Why shouldn't somebody on the ace or aro spectrum try to figure out if other people have a similar experience with attraction as they do?

People having more words to describe their identities is not the problem. At all. If somebody has decided to use a microlabel and is happy with it, what exactly is the issue?

If you actually stand with every queer person, if you're in solidarity with every anti-oppression fight of any kind, the problem of political isolation and community dilution goes away.

If you treat all labels as tools that can be played with, experimented with and not gatekept, taken up and abandoned, changed, or simply ignored if you don't want or need one, the problem of emotional distress goes away.

Neither problem is exclusive to microlabels.

[renfieldrenrat]

Talking about my Alterhumanity 🌙

Howdy! I go online by the name Renfield! I'm a therian who's been awakened* since October 2018, alongside multiple other kintypes and identities which I discovered over time.

*I knew I was different in a way since a very early age and always thought of myself as not human, as early as I can remember. I would describe my "awakening" as finding out what therianthropy is and having a name for whats going on with me.

Wanted to take the time to talk about my alterhumanity, as I don't see those type of posts so often around and it might even help people who are struggleing on finding their own identity or just to get a general better understanding of what an alterhuman is.

(Looong post ahead)

🌙 First off I should clerify what my identities are!

(Poly) Therian

My Theriotypes are: Coyote, black (gray) wolf and red fox.

(Coyote als being my core animal identity).

Otherkin

My Kintypes are: Vampire (Vampyre), Werewolf and Timelord.

(Timelord is also tied to one of my Fictionkin identities)

Fictionkin

My Fictotypes are: Renfield, Doctor Who, Clint Barton, Edward Munson, Eric (AQPDO), Stede Bonnet (OFMD), Mobius, Jack Russel (Werewolve by Night)

Renfield also being my core identity in general. Renfield is my strongest kintype, I am constantly and always Renfield involuntary.

Songkin (Conceptkin)

Songkins: Steam Powered Giraffe - Honeybee, Wired Wrong, Fire Fire

Albums: Djo - TWENTY TWENTY and DECIDE/D-SIDE Album

(Will make an extra post)

Fursonakin

Cody and Joshua

(Gonna make an extra post for this too)

(I'm also Otherhearted with a vew Kithtypes!)

🌙 How I found out I was a Therian

My therian identity was the first alterhuman identity I discovered and ties to my animalistic urges and the behaviour I had since I was a kid, which weren't usual compared to other children (seen from my own perspective). As side note, I am neurodivergent and would describe my mind as simply wired different. That's also the best explaination I have for my therianthropy.

Since an early age I would see myself as an animal and genuinely believed in elementary school that I was a werewolf and could transform, if I only tried enough or was old enough. (I know I am physically human, I was just a kid being a kid). I would sometimes experience ear- and tail shifts as a child (didn't know what this was about as a kid. Thought everyone had that). I've always been highly sensitive of sound and weather. I also experience emotions much stronger and intense than majority/typical (HSP)

Which I would later come to see as: I think as my Theriotype/Kintype.

Anyway, so in October of 2018 I discovered PD (Pink Dolphin)'s YouTube channel, hearing of the term "Therian" for the first time. I watched a vew of PD's videos and looked up some reddit posts about therianthropy. (Reddit not being the best source ever but didn't know where to look back then). I quickly realised "Hey, I think this term fits me and how I've been perceiving me and the world this whole time." And so the questioning for my possible theriotype began. While scrolling through multiple pages related to therianthropy I actually discovered that I experience a certain type of shift alot. Dreamshifts. I can distinguish intense/realistic dreams from experiencing actual dream shifts. It's this one certain feeling dream shifts have to them when I experience one, which I cannot really put into words. (Quick side note, you don't have to experience shifts in order to be a therian. Some do, some don't. I just personally happen to get dreamshifts specifically alot and sometimes but not as frequent mental or sensory shifts.) To get back: Clear images of what my internal self looks like come mainly from my dreamshifts, colour and exact shape wise.

I would first believe that I was a winged wolf. Realizing later, after proper and long research, that I am a Coyotekin and Corvid Otherhearted. (Till this day I get often cameoshifts of birds and back then had them mistaken for a winged canine creature). Also found to be a red fox a little later and in 2022 also that I am a black wolf aswell, after having it as werewolfkin first. I was wrong with being a werewolf and just a "regular" wolf instead, making it a theriotype.

And that's the best I can put it. I'm a psychological Polytherian with three theriotypes.

🌙 My identity as Vampirekin (Vampyre)

At first, let me explain to you what being a Vampyre / Vampirekin means to me. Everyone has different experiences. This is how I experience mine and how it affects my life.

There is a bit of a difference between vampire kinshifts I experience and my general Vampyre identity.

I consider myself a Psychic Vampire (metaphysical energy.)

(* as side note, I am not that deep into spirituality)

I am a highly sensitive empath (HSP) and feel most of the time something missing on a emotional basis. I found to be a psychic vampire as I use the energy of others to recharge what is missing on my behalf. I feel drained most of the time and rarely have moments of longer lasting energy. More intimate moments between me and another human being are not a thing really accouring so I basically have to stick to such simple things as positive conversations with others or hugs from friends, in order to take energy. As it's very "light" it's not a draining process for anyone involved. I don't want to feel like "stealing" the energy from them so I always try to give those something back and thanking them (not in words.)

However, going over to my kinshifts and the things I seperate from being a Psychic Vampire and rather count it to Vampirekin as a seperate thing:

I OFTEN get fang shifts, the vampire "teeth shifts" are different from the shifts I get from my theriotypes. For my canine shifts I feel a snout and full set of sharp, canine teeth. For my vampire shifts it's the single sharp canines inside my (human) mouth. I also have claw shifts that are fingerlike with sharp nails and differ from my paw shifts.

I also experience sort of blood lust and have a biting urge.

I have a general fascination for blood. (Don't take this in a creepy way.)

My Vampirekin is also linked to my Renfield Fictionkin.

Other things I consider part of my identity:

I've always been a night person and feel the most alive at night/I am most productive during that time.

Very sensitive to weather (hot and cold), highly sensitivity in general (HSP).

I am drawn to graveyards, consider it a hearthome.

(Random side note, my biggest and longest lasting 'till now hyperfixations are Vampires and Dracula in specific.)

Fictionkin identities 🌙

It takes too long to cover every single of my Fictionkin identities, so I'll try to chop it down and use my corekin Renfield to write about.

Renfield:

This is a fictionkin, heavily linked to my vampire identity in general. On one hand Renfield from the 1931 cinematic version of Dracula, played by Dwight Frye and Renfield from the 2023 film, played by Nicolas Hoult. (Also Renfields depiction/describtion in Bram Stokers gothic novel)

At a faithfull night I started reading Bram Stokers Dracula, as I've been hyperfixating on Vampires since I was a kid and thought it would be a nice addition, since I also love reading. On page 99, R.M. Renfield is first mentioned. Reading further and further, I immediately knew that this is not just a "I relate to him" it was a "this is me." I never had felt something like this up until this point. After I had watched the 1931 version of Dracula I was sure. I see myself internally as Dwight Frye's portrayal of Renfield, alongside memories of the particular Carpathian Mountains and Castle Dracula that is shown in that version of the movie.

(Kinfirmed Renfield in february 2021)

Y'all can only imagin the hype I felt when I saw that there would be a Renfield focused movie to come in 2023!

For Hoult's perfomance as Renfield, I saw him the first second and it was like looking into a mirror, that isn't reflecting my outlook but my internal self. As they are both Renfield (the 1931 film even having a flashback appearence in the Renfield movie) with just different takes on the character and story, I coined them as one identity. I am Renfield. My own, internal version of Renfield entails every version of Renfield in a way.

The next part is more on how I see Renfield as a person so opinions on his character might differ on this but that's okay! Everyone can see a character how they want and interpret them. This is how I see Renfield.

Thinking back I kind of always been Renfield. Missunderstood and always seem to be second choice, just like Renfield. Spending all of my energy on others, ignoring my own needs, just like Renfield. Lonely and just left behind in the end, just like Renfield. Used and manipulated, just like Renfield. I don't have a master to serve but I never put myself first and cry if not able to finish a task as expected. (Example buying something specific at the groceries but that food item isn't available, so it's not my fault for the store running out of stock but I am still frustraded and angry for not being able to bring that item). I am not a leader, rather a follower.

This was very personal and I hope I won't regret this ✨

Anyway! I hope this was helpfull in any way and that this wasn't a too long of a read.

Feel free to ask me questions in my QnA thing! I love answering questions!

[frogthane]

You know what, I’m just going to finally release some pent up emotions I’ve harboured since finishing season 3 of Heartstopper. That season did a significant number on my mental health, had me rethinking some things about my sexuality as well (thank you Isaaccc), but I in no way regret watching it. It absolutely obliterated me, as I haven’t read the comics yet while I wait for the final one to be released so I was WILDLY unprepared, but it was healing.

So many characters’ backstories were fleshed out. No longer is Heartstopper just a cutesy comfort show, it’s a cutesy, heartbreaking, comfort show 😊. I had noticed the signs when it came to Charlie since season 1 when he put aside his meal in the art room after finding out Nick had been in a fight “because of him”. Charlie has always been the most relatable character to me, and I continue to cry every time I see him onscreen, portraying the exact turmoil I encounter every day. His reassurances that he’s simply unhungry, the desperate need to control something despite it truly taking control of you in your most intense moments, the aggression towards those who are simply trying to help, the annoyance of always being told to just eat. The relapses that occur in an instant, hardly ever feeling like a mistake in the moment. Worrying about only ever being seen as broken, all the whole desperately needing a circle of support. It triggered some things I thought I was finally healing from, but I was mistaken. I continue to struggle every day with the precise issues Charlie has, and while it’s tiring and overwhelming, seeing someone in media react just the same as I do had me uncontrollably sobbing throughout the season, all the while being eternally grateful that he made it through.

Now Nick. Dear, sweet, baby Nick. Sure, he may not have problems that require hospitalization, but he needs help. Throughout the show, he has only ever been depicted as a dependable, supportive, unwavering presence. No one really noticed the bubbling fear that arose from all those occasions of being the sole person to turn to when in reality, he needed someone like himself. The third season, he luckily discovered that for himself. He has a loving aunt who can help guide him through the process of Charlie’s recovery, friends near home that he never imagined he could learn to lean on — Tao when he just needed to escape from the party, Tara when he felt guilty for needing help while Charlie’s struggles seemed so much more important, the others when he just needed a few friendly faces — and Tori, both grieving a person they thought they knew. Now, with others’ support, he’s able to be there for Charlie in a way he never could before, all the while figuring out who he is as an individual.

Tori always breaks my heart. She may seem lonely, but she believes all she needs in the world is her brother, who is slowly slipping away despite her best efforts to protect him. And while there is nothing wrong with wanting few relationships, and if you are truly happy with just your family members, then who are we to judge? But she wants more than that, and I’m happy that despite everything she’s been through, she’s able to form a new attachment this season, even if she herself is unsure of what kind it will evolve to.

Everyone struggles this season. While we might have once perceived the Paris squad as being happy, truth is, we all have issues (although thank you for alleviating some of that Mr Ajayi and Mr Farouk, y’all aren’t the best at being a secret, but we all think you’re adorableee). Isaac realizes he’s aroace and feels comfortable in his decision to let his friends know and focus on them, but they’re all busy now and so many of his friends suddenly wish to concentrate solely on their love lives. Darcy breaks free from her homophobic household, but must find out whether she’s willing to cut all ties. Tara experiences intense anxiety that’s amplified by those she cares most about. Tao learns how to be a supportive friend and heal from his abandonment trauma, while Elle fights to be seen as an individual and not just “some trans girl against society”. Imogen painfully realizes society pressured her to find a boyfriend before discovering who exactly it is she likes. Sahar… well, she’s actually kind of chilling, but still getting over her crush on Imogen and opening her heart.

Long story short, my heart ached for each and every character going through hell and back this last season, I love their development, and I look forward to season 4 despite being fully aware I am about to be decimated. Thank you Alice Oseman!!

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

person i got the image from did a great takedown but i’d like to hear your thoughts. apologies for the long link.

https://64.media.tumblr.com/311f7b4b715f10b0348b193a4052d2d7/d15b73343c42378a-bb/s1280x1920/0275e731e2a174150f41ca47438558bf3dad1684.jpg

"Violent tantrums" what an odd way of saying "emotional breakdown due to intense grief, and that Katara is upset by not because she feelts threatened but because SEEING HER BEST FRIEND IN SUCH RAGE AND PAIN HURTS HER"

And yeah, Katara never reached out to comfort/soothe Zuko when he was in battle mode - because he was an enemy. One that was constantly attacking her, and not because of a fit of rage (even though he was prone to such behavior) but because he was supporting the systematic oppression and murder of anyone that wasn't on his side because that's how he was raised.

Of course Katara didn't try to calm him down, because Zuko was not acting out of anger but out of RACISM and INDOCTRINATION. She didn't try to reason with him because Zuko simply could not be reasoned with, at least not by a conversation with someone he saw as inherently inferior. There's a reason his arc had him being banished, then becoming a wanted fugitive, and finally a refugee in Ba Sing Se - if he had never been forced to truly experience the damage his nation was causing he would have never realized it was wrong.

It doesn't matter how much zutarians try to lie about it, only one of those two characters ever knowingly, deliberately put Katara in harms way, only of them was TRYING to be a threat, to intimidate her into obeying him, and it wasn't Aang.

If they want to ship Zutara, they need to either deal with the fact that it started out as two people being enemies because one of them literally couldn't understand that other races are not lesser people, or they make a modern AU in which there was no war so that element can be dropped. Trying to pretend Zutara was not rooted in violence and intimidation (at least at the start) but freaking Kataang was is ridiculous, pathetic, and proves that for all their talk about "liking a more complext dynamic" is nonsense because they're TERRIFIED of engaging with the one narrative element that would actually make their ship complex.

They want the "hate turns to love" aspect without going into WHY that hatred existed, because it wouldn't be the typical "both sides had something to learn", but rather "one side was actively racist and thus hostile, and the other was just reacting to it." They want to praise Zuko for learning from his mistakes, but they insist on sweeping said mistakes under the rug. They want to put him in the role of Katara's hero and hope for a better life, when he actually spent 5/6 of the show being the bad guy ruining her life, putting her and her loved ones in danger.

This is why the fanon dynamic of Zutara is racist and even misogynistic, while the canon one isn't, even though both involve Katara forgiving Zuko and growing to care for him: the show was interested in using Zuko's warped world-view to deconstruct it and make him change for the better, but the zutara fandom at large only seems interested in making up excuses for him, and thus robbing both Zuko and Katara of their complexities, as Zuko's growth is negated and Katara's righteous anger is not allowed to exist.

Zuko and Katara's canon friendship is about a bad person being forgiven when they realized they made a mistake and genuinely changing into someone worth admiring. Zutara's fanon romance is about a bunch of enablers pretending Zuko wasn't ever racist, hostile, and violent towards Katara.

[cherubchoirs]

Can Revived V1 feel emotions? If so how does it feel at first? Is it the same when it feels others emotions?

it can!! v1 has always had the capacity for deeply complex emotions, but it tended not to dwell on things because it never really saw the point in doing so - v1 is primarily a being that engages with its senses and with its physical world, so unless expressing the emotion would immediately affect something, it rarely engaged with them for too long. however, once it's resurrected, it finds itself thinking much longer on existential emotions, its incorporated angelic side given to much more philosophical thought. it's odd for v1, finding itself lost in thought far more than it ever has been as it contemplates more difficult emotions that it often neglected as a machine. in fact, it loses a lot of time at first because it fails to realize when it disengages from the world and gives all of its resources over to thinking over its feelings, why it's feeling them, and where they stem from. v1 was never a daydreamer in the slightest, so it's a bit confusing for it as well frustrating in a way, but it eventually readjusts to have a better balance - it becomes far more open to the full spectrum of its emotion than it once was but it learns to experience them without getting caught in loops lasting hours examining them.

feeling other's emotions is INCREDIBLY off-putting to it though and represents one of its biggest struggles in adjusting to its new existence. v1 wasn't made to have empathy and it only experienced it minimally before this - it developed understanding of gabriel's emotions and slowly learned to recognize them to be sympathetic, it could share in his pain, but actually conceptualizing his experience simply wasn't in its nature. additionally, this was largely confined to gabriel and perhaps, though even then more limited, to the few friends it may have made. so. having to now experience others' emotions in a very real way felt invasive and alien at the start, overloading it to the point that v1 likely did everything it could to isolate itself. it takes gabriel a bit of time to figure out what's going on, with v1 even distancing itself from him considering how intense his emotions are directly after its resurrection. it honestly believes itself to be severely malfunctioning, emotions regularly overwhelming it until it finds itself examining this intensity to conclude all of it is coming from external sources. those emotions are not its emotions, they are instead put onto it and it then experiences them as if they are its own. this leads to a particularly long thought session, which it's only broken out of by gabriel and leads into it clumsily attempting to explain what it's just discovered. but gabriel knows now, understands what it's saying even if it can't find easy words to describe it because he knows it doesn't have those words.

and again, after it spills out those largely garbled thoughts, gabriel apologizes to it. he knows he put a lot on it by doing this, and he knows he didn't fully think through the complications that would come out of it even if he was successful. he relates to it very much though, with his transition into a fallen angel being anything but smooth, and he promises to do as much as v1 had for him in that time. v1, on the other hand, is just relieved that he knows exactly what it's talking about and can offer it an explanation lol like i mentioned before, v1 is highly adaptable and by nature is used to handling wild changes to its functioning after spending what must have been years in development...but it's nice to finally have someone that doesn't expect it to make all those adjustments on its own. gabriel will be there to assist it and adjust accordingly with it, and that really quells a majority of any of the anxiety it might have held as a result of its resurrection

[winreyplace]

Hiii! I saw you on the proselfship selfplace blog and I wanted to ask if you could/wanted to elaborate a bit more on soulbounding? I saw people talking a lot abt it around here but never truly understood what it was or how it worked (im not deep at all into spirituality, all I know is like shifting from when it was trendy in 2020 lol), I also saw people talking about reverse soulbounding?

Mel: Lav is the one who's been interacting with the proselfship community so far, but she asked me to come in and give my perspective on this!

There are two main definitions of soulbonding. Some see soulbonding as a spiritual practice, acting as a medium channeling or hosting the spirits of fictional characters the way one might channel or host the spirits of the dead. The definition we use on this blog is that munbonding is what happens when a person has such a strong emotional connection with a character that said character comes to life in your head as a self-aware autonomous thoughtform. This character can be insourced (of your own creation) or outsourced (from an existing work). They can be permanent residents (headmates), daytrippers ("commuting" from their world to your head and back), or simply share a phone connection (they stay in their world but can still communicate with you). Both the connection itself and the character are called a soulbond; the act of forming this connection is called munbonding, and the person who has a munbond is called the munbonder.

There are a few things I would say sets munbonding apart from other thoughtforms or fictives. One is that it's commonly a spontaneous occurrence with hardly any effort from bond or bonder. Another is the intrinsic emotional connection that can lead to a significant level of intimacy in a relatively short amount of time. And another is that munbonds are much less likely to want to share in "meatspace" life than other plurans.

As for how it usually works, the way I think is most common is discovering or creating a character that deeply resonates with you and suddenly having them show up in your head and start giving their opinions on things (whether or not you asked for them, lol). But it's also possible to intentionally reach out to a character (this can be a little tricky but well worth the effort). Sometimes you both get to choose whether to form the munbond connection, and sometimes the munbond connection is too strong and chooses for you before you can even process what's happening. :P Either way, munbonds can be a wonderful addition to someone's internal life, and I am forever grateful for the gift that is my own.

I realize this got pretty dense, lol, but I hope it gave you some insight. Feel free to ask us any follow-up questions you may have!

Lav: I'm sorry it took me a hot minute to reply, I really wanted to make this post about Soulbonding is Not just Spiritual/Metaphysical first, especially since your ask included the misconception that it was a purely spiritual experience when there are other interpretations too.

While Mel already addressed most of your ask, I want to specifically speak on your last question.

"Reverse Soulbonding", as far as I can tell, seems to stem from the FromFiction blogger that I mentioned in the above link post. I harbor a strong dislike for their general position, which includes the term "Reverse Soulbonding" to describe that experience.

All that soulbonding means and has always meant is a "deep empathic/telepathic link connection, usually after forming a intense emotional attachment, with an autonomous living character." "Reverse Soulbonding", as described, is when you visit inside the mind/body of the character rather than them being inside yours, seeing and interacting with their world through their perspective. However, as Mel explained earlier, a soulbond is the connection to the character, not how you interact with them.

This is not to say that the experience "Reverse Soulbonding" refers to is not a valid phenomenon, but personally, I believe it is more accurate to refer to it as "Reverse Daytripping." A daytripper is a type of soulbond who moves between their world and yours instead of residing inside your head as a pluran (headmate). If it were reversed, it would involve moving between your world and their head.

[theconcealedweapon]

A lot of people say this, but many of them are not the type of people who it's safe to open up to.

What a lot of people don't realize is that suicide is not a light switch. It's often caused by pain that seems survivable at first but over time slowly gets more intense or slowly gets less hopeful for the pain to end. At what point during that timeline is someone considered suicidal? At what point should they open up about it? What happens if they open up too early and it ends up being a false alarm and they worry people for nothing, get accused of exaggerating, or get involuntarily committed to a hospital?

Also, many suicidal people could easily save themselves if they understood exactly why they were suicidal, which means that helping them requires acknowledging that their experience is difficult to explain and not jumping to conclusions. But many people who say that they want to help are often the first to jump to conclusions.

I was suicidal because of a party I was at where someone went out of his way to make it seem like I was bothering anyone I tried to talk to. This would have completely thrown off my ability to read people and made me feel like the world was a better place for people like him than for people like me, which would have been deadly when the pandemic started and the painful memory was combined with the loneliness of the pandemic. Thankfully, when I was about to leave that party, two of my friends reassured me that they loved me and wanted me to stay there. They saved my life. But before I understood what happened, I had very powerful feelings for one of those friends (even without consciously thinking about that party). At first it felt like just a crush, but it was so powerful that I could die from it. The feelings I had for her made perfect sense after I realized that she saved my life, but before then it felt like I had an unhealthy obsession with her. So I tried everything I could think of to get my mind off of her, and nothing worked. Being autistic made it much harder, because understanding my emotions and connecting with other people is much harder for me than it is for the average person.

One time, when I was stoned and saying random things to my sister and my mom, I ended up mentioning how traumatic my experience was for me. In an attempt to explain how traumatic it was and how I had to force myself to do things that my brain was not meant to do, I said that after what I've been through I'd probably be able to solve the feud between my other sister and my cousin.

At no point did I plan to do anything, or think it was a good idea, or want to do it, or think it would be easy. I simply mentioned that as a random hypothetical scenario as a comparison in order to illustrate how difficult my experience was. But my mom and my sister started yelling at me. They went back and forth repeatedly yelling "No" at me, probably about five times each separated by a few seconds each time, while I was sitting there silently trying to figure out what was even happening.

They knew that I have a disability that makes confrontation difficult for me, and they also knew that I was stoned at the time and barely able to hold onto a thought for more than a few seconds. They knew that anything I said was just words put together, and that I was unable to make any sort of plans at the time. But that didn't matter. They still felt the need to massively overpower me just because I mentioned something once that they added a hidden meaning to. For some reason, they just had to interpret "I probably could do this" as "I insist on doing this and I dare you to stop me". And on top of that, explaining why they didn't want me to do it (or what they thought "it" even was) never crossed their mind. They just saw something that seemed like an opportunity to gang up on me and they jumped on it.

And because of that, I could no longer open up to them. I was going through something that was nearly impossible to explain on so many levels. And they showed me that if I open up to them, my first priority has to be analyzing what I say in advance to make sure they don't attack me for it. I was already burning myself out by doing an amount of thinking that my brain was never designed to do, and they made it so I had to do even more thinking in order to stop them from making it worse.

But they're the type of people who would share this photo. They're the type of people who society considers compassionate. They're the type of people who would call themselves "empaths". They're the type of people who would "feel bad" when someone commits suicide. But they're also the worst type of people for any suicidal person to open up to.

If you want suicidal people to open up to you, you have to be a safe person to open up to. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't add hidden meanings to what people say. Don't lock in what people say. Don't try to take over a conversation about other people's experiences. Don't expect to be obeyed. Don't expect quick responses. Don't be more forceful than informative. Don't wait for people to be suicidal to start showing them compassion.

[buckleydiazmp4]

hey, you were saying that you don't think izzy should've died and that you didn't agree with his character arc for reflected upon reasons. is it okay to ask what those reasons are? you just always have interesting opinions about tv and i'd love to know about this one

oh hi! well i'm happy to share my thoughts since you asked so politely lol i just didn't share them earlier bc when there's discourse ppl act so vile sometimes

anyways. izzy hands huh. multi-faceted, complicated, very intense character. let me begin by saying the fact that david jenkins and con o'neill managed to do a total 180 on izzy in terms of how the audience reacted to him between s1 and s2 without fundamentally ruining his character is astounding!! i think the whole point of izzy has always been the fact that he's a man who tends to hold on too tight to the stuff that gives him a semblance of safety (even though that stuff is usually pretty traumatic lol) and across s2 we see him slowly loosening his grip on blackbeard. the fact that it was precisely blackbeard's brutal return that made izzy realize both him and ed were in too deep really just adds to how awesome the writing was this season.

and now, just to clarify: i didn't say i disagreed with his character arc, but with the way it was executed. as in, i think izzy's journey was perfectly well written and acted out by con (please give that man an award), and up until the finale it was actually very well executed!! it's the last plot device that i disagree with.

killing off izzy was a bold choice, and a very common way in which writers both show redemption and pull poignant reactions from the audience, which is ultimately what any show strives for!! for the audience to feel deeply about certain characters or stories. i think ppl have forgotten that and focused so much on wanting everything to be emotionally "clean" and lacking of controversy. guys!! the whole of fiction isn't supposed to cater to everyone!! that's why it's fiction!! it can be manipulated by creators and audience alike and each individual piece is supposed to be different. if you don't like emotional ups and downs in the media you consume that's understandable, but don't condemn the pieces of media that do have it. simply don't watch if you don't like it. i personally like these feelings, the ugly, and the dirty, and the unfair, and the painful, the human!!! it's part of the experience and they did it well this season.

even with that in mind though, i think death was only one of the many options through which they could've symbolized izzy finally letting go of blackbeard and the toxicity that name represented for all of them. i get how 'i wanna go' as a show of the deliberate decision izzy is making to escape from the emotional turmoil of ruthless piracy is trying to make his death seem like a way for him to rest, but. it's a pretty definitive rest and i think it wouldn't have been necessary, considering that one of the main things izzy learns this season is that you can spend years in a terrible environment but it's still never too late to pursue something softer for yourself and for the people you love. he says it, too: 'it's about belonging'.

as much as it is understandable to have wanted to take the way of the tragic and unexpected, for the sake of impact and to heighten the significance of what izzy has become this season, it would've been nice to see him stare at a long, happy future with the new family he's acquired aboard the revenge. ed let go of blackbeard without it meaning he had to renounce to the rest of his life for it, why couldn't izzy? it would've been wonderful to see all those years of life experience as a pirate reconcile with the reality that they're not dependent on isolating yourself from others. for izzy to have become captain, or even frenchie's first mate, would've been an excellent seal to his story, even leaving a future full of possibility to further explore how his character gets acquainted with his new way of looking at the world.

izzy put it that way: it is about letting go of ego for something larger. and his death can mean many things simultaneously, but it can also mean that without his ego he couldn't live. which. i do disagree with, so.

i don't know!!! i just think about it many different ways!! like in this post specifically i chose to see it under a different light than what i'm currently writing, and neither of those opinions cancel each other out; they can coexist!! that's the fun thing about fictional media interpretation!! it's also why we have devices like fanfiction and fanart and meta!! the fact that something played out in a specific way on screen doesn't mean it's set in stone as something good or bad, there are always shades of grey.

[itsgirlcraft]

Aafrgrsehwsvrgrgr goD- I saw this post from Jorge Rivera-Herrans abt the differences between Epic and The Odyssey and just. Oh my god how have I done this to myself.

((This will be a long yap))

Okok so!! That video was from a year ago and I hadn't seen it until like two days ago, after listening to the Wisdom Saga and just! How the hell have I managed to recognize the themes but perfectly inverted!

Okok no not like- no I knew the Odyssey wasn't going to be happy-go-lucky or something. No, it's- I've literally been inspired by the musical for basically an entirely inverted theme for one of my fics.

As you likely know, it's Reverse Quest - my Rainbow Quest Roleswap AU. So in the video Jorge says that Odysseus' arc consists of him learning to embrace ruthlessness for the sake of protecting what matters most.

So uh- like, Reverse Quest already existed before I even knew abt Epic. Really, the musical is just a really good hype soundtrack for creating, especially for Reverse Quest. Here's the thing- Epic as a whole has been particularly good when it comes to putting the themes of Reverse Quest into words.

When it comes to themes, Epic is like a hero's journey to base Rev. Quest!Sabre's arc(s) off of. Well, really, take notice of the overarching narrative, and comparing that to mine.

I think, when it comes down to it, there is one major difference: Sabre is ruthlessly merciful. His mercy is violent, his protection is intense, and, above all - it is emotional.

At first, Sabre simply wants to save those he could not. Now that he was back at the beginning, he could try to force fate's grip on those he loved. Orange/Rainbow, Dark, Funny, Elemental, Galaxy, Time, the hundreds of kingdoms and villages he failed, all those he killed when rampaging deep in the darkness. Wouldn't you?

He had spent several years alone, teaching and caring for Origin, growing into his god form. He had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to mourn. He had made statues for everyone, in the hopes of never forgetting them, their stories.

Though he could never truly share the details with his godling son, Sabre still entrusted him with the feelings, the experience of love and loss and mortality. When he wasn't teaching Origin, Sabre was stuck in nostalgia and the past, trying to move on when there was only one way forward. Origin was his world.

And then Sabre realizes he has to willingly leave. And there, in the roleswap timeline, he finds himself lost in a sea of possibilities. Going from crippling loneliness, his son the only thing left, to the entire universe, full of people who he desperately wants to protect...and warn before it's too late.

His memories, his experiences, the stories of others he desperately wants to tell them all, preserve them all. He is haunted by his past, as he literally relives the exact same story all over again. His journals, his meticulous nitpicking of details, his plans, that is all he has to hold onto, to ensure the safety of all of Stevekind. His desire to protect them extends even to the villains - he sees his reflection in the entire world around him, and he's got his eyes set on preserving the beauty, the people, leave the grass unscathed and the skies bright.

But of course, he knows he can't do it alone. He won't let himself, Orange, ANYONE, fall to the darkness. Never again. He knows now, that what they need is a support system. He needs to unite the kingdoms before the 3rd hero is created. He needs to stop history from repeating - and he's willing to change and change and change and hurt and cry to do it.

And so, when he sets off on the seas with 600 men, he tries his best to follow mercy, and teach all he meets to greet the world with open arms. He takes pity on Seer, on Nightmare, on Rainbow Red. He sees now, why they hurt others. He knows now, what to say.

In the past, all he had was words - he could not fight, he could not build, he couldn't even wield his words all that well. But now, his words are powerful, tinged with genuine kindness and haunted by trauma. He trusts that the world can be kind, despite the ruthlessness, despite the darkness, despite it all. He will face the deepest, darkest depths of his heart, and pull as many up with him. Even when he falls, he trusts and loves and loves and loves and LIVES.

Ultimately, Sabre learns to not only wield his words with a sharper blade - but to wield his heart, his mind, his experiences - as shields, as weapons, as armor, as torches. And, eventually, his godhood, too. He essentially re-ascends while fighting TFC and his roleswap equivalent, taking on a mixed look between the og timeline and the roleswap timeline. A testament to all he's been through, and all he can be.

In the end, Sabre's arc is about learning to greet the world with open arms, to trust, and to be honest with what he knows and what he's experienced. He understands what ruthlessness is - don't doubt for a second that he isn't unable to use force and violence. But he turns away from that, and, even in the face of ruthlessness, he will seek out mercy. He develops it as a skill, and goes on to spread this message.

And you know what? He makes it out alive. He fails, he falls, he hurts himself and others, yes. But in the end, he is already ruthless enough. His love is violent, his trust is terrifying, and his protection is unyielding. Even when it may in fact hurt and horrify those he loves most.

When it comes to Epic, there's many songs and verses that could define Sabre's journey. In particular, here's a few.

Love In Paradise - Calypso's firm and intense interest parallels Sabre's protectiveness in arc 6, where he tries to keep them from being changed. He wants to give them their own choice, and not let them be swept away by fate into something they didn't want. But by preventing any change, he is refusing their choice to be swept away.

Open Arms - in many ways, Sabre is both Polites and Odysseus, optimistic and tired, doubtful and haunted. Many times in the AU, his loved ones pull him out of the darkness by repeating what he taught them.

Wouldn't You Like - Sabre realizes he has to be infected by the crystals (just like the darkness) in order to gain any upper hand in fighting and in overall power. And so this song would be about him wielding the infectious crystals - and darkness - in order to face Rainbow/Void on their levels.

Scylla - one of the major ones. Sabre would've told his crew what had to happen. He directly tells many people their fates - and asks if they are willing to accept this. Whether that be a necessary sacrifice or against stubbornness, it's the same. Will you take the step forward and risk it all for the greater good, or not? And, ultimately, he's not angry when they refuse. He himself wishes he could have the choice, and the ability to say no. But he won't let himself say no.

The entire Underworld Saga - this is a vibe and you all know it. But, more specifically, this would be Sabre facing the truth of his fate, his role, his past, and his beliefs. In particular, the line "When a god comes down and makes a fleet drown, is he scared that he's doing something wrong?" is my favorite. Yes, yes he IS scared. Sabre knows the villains he faces are just like him. And, oftentimes, he views his godhood as a curse, a curse of power and responsibility. It doesn't matter if he's willing to carry this burden, he knows he must. And, sometimes, he must make a fleet drown. And he is terrified of being perceived as a danger, that his own friends will be afraid of making him mad. Every step he takes trying to regain his humanity, is another step back- mindfulness, meditation, honesty, genuine love, it all looks like miracles to others, feats that they cannot fathom doing themselves.

[thestarlightforge]

What the Antihero, Your Villain, Has Left

12/31/22

***

It’s interesting how sometimes, the early stages of grief are anger, and these fade into sadness until sadness is all that’s left for a long time—and sometimes, it’s the other way around.

When I was a teenager and had a messy friend-divorce, a situation which left me extremely isolated and cut off from most of my close friends, it was sadness that followed fury. I was angry for years—about how they behaved, what they had said, their abandonment and betrayals. Until eventually, I just missed them—their memories lit in blues, shades of melancholy finally mixing with peace.

But even now at age 24, when you would hope such things would seem less material than in childhood—since adults, in theory, can choose where they go, where they live, and who they see—when I have to leave my extended family after holiday visits, I am left not with sorrow, but with wrath.

For much of my childhood, I simply cried when we left them. I didn’t cry much as a kid—my sibling cried more often—but when I got injured (Brittle Bones) and when we would leave: Those were the times I cried. We would get in the car, and I’d weep for hours. That kind of crying that’s so intense, you choke on your snot from the utter hopelessness. Sometimes, I’d barely get out a “goodbye.” Just had to hope they knew.

Some of those tears were angry, I’m sure, and sobbing can tear forth from the body as violently as screaming can. But in theory, crying is a more helpless, sad emotion, relegated to emasculation—while anger breaks out, from snide remarks to roars, imbued with some fool’s-gold version of power. Whether erudite or brutish, ire can feel like strength, like righteousness—like taking control back.

There is a black torrent of feeling that pours from waves of this realization: That other people could have chosen a whole different life for you, but they didn’t, and you couldn’t. That a world almost existed in which this endless cycle of grief you experience was replaced by a robust support system of family and community—no matter how broken or strange—when you were so young, you couldn’t even form memories of living far away. But it doesn’t exist.

You don’t know how things would’ve turned out in this other world. But from the little glimpses you’ve gotten every school or work vacation all your life, you feel like it would’ve been a good one. A life where, when disaster struck, family may have shown up more often (whether by will or ability). There would’ve been places to go, people to see, when fighting started or struggles arose. Friends to hold in good times and sad.

What or whom you might’ve missed out on in this phantom reality, you do not know—who you may or may not have become is anyone’s guess. But you would’ve been free of this bullshit, anyway.

It does not dignify abusive characters, of course. But I wonder, sometimes, if people who condemn antiheroes, or characters who struggle to do “good,” simply have not tasted much of disempowerment. There is an emptiness, a longing, a helplessness so profound it struggles to find description—and from that, a bitter, deep and primal rage—that is wrapped into the understanding that you almost had the love you deserved, but it was taken from you. That even if you manage to build new things, there are worlds of love you missed out on—worlds you didn’t have to miss, if only for a few different choices.

Tragic corruption arcs in stories are composed out of characters having blended culpability for this: Characters make some of these choices for themselves, usually after some are made for them. Redemption arcs come after and, as much as I love them, sometimes have a habit of individualizing the consequences of systems of oppression—characters accept blame for their own traumas, instead of anyone holding the people or oppressive world who hurt them accountable.

But either way, the best written antiheroes and villains emerge from shadows of love.

Even if someone hasn’t experienced this personally, art is meant to confer empathy—I don’t understand why the “complicated antihero/villain” phenomenon is so hard for some people to grasp. Maybe because they would rather stay in sadness. Because they want to believe they wouldn’t pick up the daggers, the magic or the poison. That they could never lash out so. That if confronted with the power to remake their world—to tear their love and justice from the jaws of those who took or would take it, or at least to punish them—they wouldn’t be tempted.

But as I sit in the back seat of the car, my parents driving us away from my loved ones once again, my disabled (24 y/o) “adulthood” be damned—away from the kinds of support systems that nearly all of my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents had close by all my life, while my parents, sibling and I lived elsewhere:

I understand.