#i expect nothing more from myself
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anyway im into voltron and klance now. i rly shudve expected this from myself. everybody saw it coming, everybody knew and yet im still surprised. and now im going to go read a 100k+ fic instead of finishing season 8 :p
#dylf speaks on tumblr once again#not a tag i dont have a tag nekwm#i can never remember them tbh#anyway this was my fate#i expect nothing more from myself#klance#voltron
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The more I think about it the more unfair it feels that Zenos dies at the end of this. I'm like.....7-10? Quests away from "endwalker" and there is so much we don't know. Why did he dream of the end of Amaurot? Emet-selch experimented on him - why was that never touched upon again once it had been mentioned? What did he do? Why? Zenos can teleport???? Switch bodies? What was all that even for? Zenos yae galvus youre making me insane and I'm tearing my hair out of my head
#like did I MISS SOMETHING? Is there a quest chain I've missed doing?????????#He's so good but if these things are not explained at least in part I'll be so disappointed.#and i most definitely don't see zenos doing a lore dump about himself (i love his monologuing but that would be so fucking boring)#agnes ffxiv adventures#Zenos yae Galvus#endwalker spoilers#let me explain myself btw a zenos lore dumb from zenos mouth would not be boring all in itself!#( tbh id love nothing more than more zenos pov - he would be such an interesting character to hear the inner monologues of.)#HOWEVER!!:#what I mean is that if that's all we'd be getting...#...I'd be sorely disappointed#( for the first time while playing this game. There have been story beats that have made me sigh but nothing's been disappointing. )#( like genuine soul crushing levels of disappointment because he's a central character and he deserves that much - and i'd expect more -#from the writers who really seem to care. But If you don't respect your characters what kinda story are you writing in the first place?)#TLDR shut up Agnes: I expect more from the writers and it would be such a let down to be left hanging like this.#Zenos
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You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.
It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.
#positivity#mental health#mental health support#gentle reminders#this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize)#(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that)#(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view)#i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum#or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true#i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it#but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body#in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have#so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it#i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume#(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle)#hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm.#mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience)#but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore#i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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@remylong :
#newest broken telephone installment#the remy renaissance#or rather standard avvycc dms. broken telephone elements include ccsims designs of my old designs plus prev hp art plus the general sepia#of everything on fire. bonus to the chromatic aberration on hp it feels quite fitting (yknow bc the chorus behind his lines..) idk vibes#this colouring style is actl terribly fun i'm quite !!! about it. i'm also glad that I made reference sheets for them all long ago bc#otherwise i would have gone insane rrying to rmb them from scratch. lately despite the rainbow hp seems to overall be turquoise blue? which#is so fun compared to the more purple/ neutral blues and greys i have in mind for mark...#anyways doing well! getting back slowly into Making things again! having fun etc etc#have been in OC-land lately but nothing i'm ready to share yet haha#so occassional bit of fanart it is. i inexplicably want to draw hands now though i was walking back home#pondering my adamandi era (mad the most insane fanart i've ever made; no recollection of it now) and after enough mulling it over#it would be nice to return to it. don't think i'm as obsessed anymore but it's certainly not lacking in inspiration#ideas are there just havent reached the sweet spot where you get so taken by an idea you're compelled to turn it to reality#and i think itwould be fun. perhaps even gratifying to set wips to rest#so maybe. in the meantime px11 brokentelephone is sustaining my urge to make miscellaneous fanart haha#melliotverse so true. wonder why despite watching taopp i haven't been compelled to draw it but i get the inkling it's just that specific#aesthetic that doesn't do it for me. <blinks> it was very good and i enjoyed it immensely! i think i just surprised myself by being normal#about a musical for once. i think also bc irl i've been more Good Busy the drive to engage in fandom has dissipated somewhat..#so overall i think it's a good thing. just different. but then again this stretch of time is a transitory period for me so changing ought to#to be expected. ah well tldr don't overthink just do what sparks joy be happy? literally so lucky to be spoiled for choice wrt things#i want to do. so much to do and see and learn and time still to get to figure it all out!
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not to post about someone who isn’t here anymore but I miss bbycnt so bad that’s my fucking friend right there she was the fucking best 😭
#unimportant thoughts#woke up to the sweetest message of support from her this morning#ripping my CHEST OPEN dude people CARE about me sometimes#😭😭😭#like! im her friend !!!#she wants me to be happy and cut out unhealthy people from my life !!#she introduces me to her girlfriend and sends me cat videos and !#stopping at any sadness in its tracks from now on by asking myself ‘what would bbycnt say about this’#what am i doin dude#this year i told myself one of my goals was to stop getting so in my head about my friendships#and consciously reach out to friends more and trust that they would communicate if i was annoying#and where am i now? frustratingly alone feeling because i let myself convince myself everyone hates me#refusing to reach out to people who have done absolutely nothing but welcome me with kindness#just becsuse i decided that they dont care about me the way i want to according to my arbitrary rules and experiences#UGH#need to splash water on my face and slap my cheeks a few times#Teddy!!! be normal about your friendships and bonds with people !!!!#you cant expect everyone to understand when youre sad or lonely and want reached out to!!! you have to reach out yourself too!!!!#i mean admittedly some of my pain is that it feels like im the only one reaching out and caring and its nof reciporicated#BUT im not even giving people a chance or communicating that im just giving up cause i love self induced misery#GOING TO DO BETTER#going to do better going to do better people care about me and want to be my friend i need to be a better friend for them#🫡🫡🫡#delete later#bbycnt
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"i mess up things and then i don't have the energy to fix them up" yes brain true sentence but no brain the appropriate response is NOT "therefore i should kill myself (and here's how)"
#tw suicide#i wish i was joking#i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me??#said something to the emergency room psych#she queried it and i confirmed i had said precisely what i intended#she blinked and said 'i usually hear that from jaded forty year olds not twenty year olds'#i won't share what because it was a highly specific explanation of precisely how i might see myself suiciding or how/whether i thought i#could. she asked me and i answered. apparently she wasn't expecting that level of detail and confidence#is it funny to anyone else that i always struggle with confidence but i can confidently tell her specifics about suicide thoughts?#this is reminding me of the fifteen year old yesterday i was conversing with and he randomly started listing all the suicide methods he#could think of and i was internally like you missed a dozen i can think of. didn't say that obvs#i don't know i am. tired. of everything. and i had a long and good conversation with an older woman from church last night (mother of the#boy. i have confided in her before she's great)#she's hte only person irl who now knows about the second suicide attempt (tho she doesn't know it was the second) and she was encouraging m#to see the psych and escalate care#but all day ive been regretting telling the psych or bro or anyone honestly#it would be so much EASIER to have said nothing and gone through with my plan#i wouldn't trust myself not to rn if i had access#i mean. i know multiple ways in this room i could kill myself. but i won't#there's a couple of specific methods that are most of the thoughts usually so they're the specific ones i gotta watch out for more if that#makes sense#ooh gosh im rambling i should shut up xD#personal#puddleglum hours
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self proclaimed “elder queers” in online spaces are just fandom moms for gay people send tweet
#deity dialogue#they’re just as condescending and act like they’re the authority on everything because they’re in their 30s which like. not how that works#but like certainly nothing anyone says is going to stop you#I don’t trust how either of these two assign themselves as an all knowing authority in whatever group they’re in#because more often than not these people aren’t speaking from a place of trying to be helpful and informative they’re usually being#condescending and talking down on others an expect respect they did nothing to earn#I’m sorry but talking to people like they’re stupid is not how you earn respect and you also cannot command respect by claiming you’re#an elder queer or fandom mom like age doesn’t = respect maybe yall should learn that#if this post gets deleted later it’s because I’m a scaredy cat and don’t like to open myself up for harassment or anon hate <3
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If there's one thing to thank anti hankcon discourse it's for the folks around their thirties gathering to tell the teens that they are, in fact, adult enough to decide for themselves who to fuck with and that they do, in fact, find older people attractive.
(And also collectively asking folks in their teens-to-early 20s to stop using the word p*dophilia when talking about literal 30+ years olds.)
Like really, throwing this words in relation to adults downplays its actual weight in its actual fucking meaning, and this is really scary. Age gap might be a controversial topic but not anywhere near it is a matter of comparable scale to what the word ped*philia stands for. Don't turn this word into a buzzword, I'm begging you.
#I think it's like when you're 5 years old#all the 8 years old feel like they're just infinitely older#then in your twenties 3 year old difference is absolutely nothing#The further you're away from being a kid#the less of a difference it makes#10 years difference between 10 and 20 years old is abso-fucking-lutely not the same as between 30 and 40 years old#even though it's the same amount of years#and the same way it's hard for a 5 yo to comprehend that for adults three year old gap is barely a difference#(as it is literally 60% of their life)#here it's perhaps something similar.#I'm in my relatively early twenties and I too feel like I wouldn't date a person who's X years older than me#but in ten more years I don't expect myself to think the same way anymore#as it wouldn't make that much of a difference when it's not 50% of my lifespan anymore#I still don't think I'll find myself in a relationships with someone significantly older#but it would be wild to think that people in their 30-ies aren't old enough to make their own decisions. Let's be real#in this day and age#after you've been an adult for some time#there isn't this much of a power imbalance anymore between you and people who are X years older#or#the same kind of imbalance can be found within the same age category but not due to the age anymore#but things like social class.#Hell#in this sense 30yo can be the one overpowering 50yo.
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I’m back!!
#I have returned!#not dead!#sorry folks I was in the wilderness for a few weeks#gotta become human again#might take a little break from dragon age posting but never fear the dragon age brain rot never truly leaves#being disconnected from the internet for a while made me think about my life lmao#might make some art of some personal projects I turn around in my head#or something else entirely idk#probably will be a minute before I start posting again#I never really intended to post consistently on this place and it felt good to get rid of that pressure I was placing on myself#I also don’t want to put myself in a position where people only expect one thing from me#these are all problems I made up though nobody has ever made me feel like I have to do something#people have been nothing but kind to me here and it makes me 💖💗💞🩷#I just wanna make art about other things I guess#do not worry though I will be making lots of dragon age content it just might be awhile#I just need to feel real again#all of this could be a lie and I’ll come back in like three days with more art who knows#sending my love to my beautiful mutuals#💕💞💖💗#and of course all my love to the people who support my art yall are the best I reread the tags you leave all the time#ramble over
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Today was the day. I hope everything went according to plan. I wish I could have celebrated with you. Congratulations.
#i've been telling myself i'd give it the weekend before i got anxious#<- what a fun joke i told myself#i told you two months ago that re-establishing contact was up to you#i will abide by that but my heart is going to lean at insta and discord notifs again for a while#the way i see it there are five ways things could go from here:#1. we pick up where we left off#2. we're a couple again but take some number of steps back to rebuild#3. we're friends with the option for more#4. we're friends with no option for more#5. there's nothing between us anymore and we maintain/return to no contact once that's communicated (if it is at all)#although i'm hard pressed to believe you wouldn't contact me even with upsetting news#but i suppose anything's possible#i never expected to be here after all#but here we are#personal
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I think I'm going insane. Lately my dreams have been so mundane, it wouldn't be weird if I wasn't just a person that has nightmares 80% of the time, so I now my dreams are so hard to distinguish from reality.
I wouldn't be able tell what was real from what not if it wasn't because last night I went to my doctor's appointment and I was handed new glasses by Harvey just to go back home and find out Laois was cooking something in my backyard.
#to be fair. in my dream i was back at my old house. so the horrors where there still#also i've been dreaming about my dog. but sometimes it's not him. it's other dog trying to replace him. but it's not him. i miss him dearly#but it's... weird. i never actually dream with characters either. something strange is going on#I've been telling my brother i wake up and i have to remember who i am#for the totally normal dreams. it's like my soul is divided and it's living somewhere else for the night#who is the person i am when i dream. because it's not me. it's a whole different live. whole different people around me. I'm going insane#there's such a strange feeling about it. it's familiar? it's comfortable?#which only makes it even more weird. why is a life so different to mine feel so comfortable...#to the point i wake up and i don't remember who i am for at least ten minutes#but then i forget what i had dreamt about. and then i go around my day randomly reminding things. then that's when i realize those memories#were actual dreams#i should write a fanfic about this lmao#it was a nice dream though. i remember vividly i was sitting in one of those chairs thingies that hang in the air?#and i was swinging happily. i think Laios was talking about where he got whatever the fuck he was cooking. i couldn't understand him really.#he wasn't speaking in spanish but it wasn't english either. i think it was a made up gibberish... I'm still baffled by how comfortable i was#i think there were friends around too. maybe a hangout was going on? everything was nice. it reminds me of the times#i would go eat at a friend's house. but things felt a lot nicer. it was like if time had stopped and nothing wrong could ever happen.#and even then. i was still there. which i think that's why i started to feel dizzy in my little swing. i ended up waking up from that.#i still get dizzy remembering it.#welp. I hope i don't lose myself tonight...#I don't actually know what's worse. the nightmares are common. they are familiar. there's comfort in knowing what to expect.#but “good” dreams like that... i end up thinking about them too much. the residual feeling is weirder#and i have to deal with the whole different layer that is.. there's was a fucking anime guy there. kill me. kill me. get him OUT of my brain#I'm not lying when I say I can physically feel Laios rearranging my brain in ways i will not share publicly#kill me.
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.
#ok I’m so proud of myself bc this involves finance which is something I avoid at all costs but like I did it!!#my work failed to process my check which I should have received yesterday. I’m now expected to get it next week#and part of growing up poor is like. idk. this learned helplessness or defeatist attitude with money problems#like ohh it’s my bad I should’ve had more savings to cover waiting an extra week or longer for my monthly check#and historically I just shut down and panic while doing nothing bc this is my biggest possible stressor to come across#but!!! being around rich people? I’ve learned they negotiate!! and demand to not be inconvenienced!!#my work was like ehh I’m sorry too bad so sad about your check and I was like actually no#I explained how this impacts my ability to pay rent. my credit score. how they didn’t inform me in time to stop bill autopay#and asked what their detailed plan is to fix this#and within an hour admin was scrambling. four different people emailed me apologizing for the mix up#and they worked it out with finance to get me a $2000 loan to get me by until the check hits#but I was like actually no. I won’t be paying interest on this because I shouldn’t be penalized for your error#and so they GOT RID OF INTEREST#0% interest cash advance essentially that covers all my bills#I picked up the physical check for the 2k today so it’s legit thank god#I thanked everyone involved and remained extremely polite#and they said if there’s any other questions you have please let us know#so I was like actually you know what lmao#I explained that I’ve incurred fees for overdrafts and returned items due to bill autopay that I couldn’t cancel due to them informing me#basically the day of my check being late#and so I specifically said I’ve incurred $270 in fees at this point as a result of your error and I shouldn’t be expected to pay this.#and!! they just said… okay!!! I just got an email that they’ve processed a secondary check for $270!!#so like?!?! what?!?! is this what life is like when you don’t shy away from discussing money?!#im genuinely shocked. this is a life lesson. I never would have imagined this outcome#thank god I decided to not take it lying down
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really wish my mum would hurry up and get me a doctors appointment
#ramblings#just spent a solid half an hour with 'killyourselfkillyourselfkillyourself' in my head because i fucked up my maths draft#i would just like to clarify i would never . just really shitty thoughts i promise i would not ever follow through i dont really want to di#anyway its not even unfixable it was just more feedback than i expected and my draft wasnt the best in the class#i feel so fucking full of myself but god i cant handle this#fucking hell i wish everyone would stop expecting so much from me#every time i freak out my friends ar elike its fine mate youre gonna be top of the grade again WHAT IF IM NOT#I CANT FUCKING HANDLE IT IF IM NOT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR ME#IM LTIERALLY FUCKING USELESS#im not funny or good looking my art is mediocre as shit im irritating#academics is the only thing i have going for me#fuuuuuuuuuuck#i cant do this shit for another year#im gneuiely worried im gonna give myself physical problems when it comes around to external exams#whether that be idk fucking heart problems or injuring myself on purpose who the fuck knows#self harm tw#suicide tw#vent
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Gonna say something potentially controversial:
I think Heartcatch suffers from the Up phenomenon in that people remember it as an excellent, if not flawless masterpiece when it actually has One (1) excellent, if not flawless moment in the beginning and is otherwise nothing special.
#pretty cure#babs' musings#precure: heartcatch#i remember sitting there watching 4 episodes at a time and asking myself “so when does it get as Great as people say”#i admire how different it is in tone and style to other seasons. it really stands out in that regard!#but that doesn't make it automatically better (or worse) than other seasons#it was funnier.#but the story? really underwhelming imo#the only notable part about the plot was the very first scene that set the intrigue and mystery of Yuri's character#but what they deliver on that front was extremely disappointing for me#and all the other characters get pretty mid arcs as well#Tsubomi has anxiety about not being good at anything. nothing comes of that besides one or two insults from the villains.#Itsuki has to crossdress in order to continue the family business because her brother has vague illness#that's never confronted in any satisfying way. it just sorta fades away once she decides she likes being a girl#Erika's insecurity regarding her sister is honestly the most engaging of these arcs and that's because I have a little sister#I suppose I set my expectations too high for that season. but people call it The Best Precure Season when it's not even in my top 3 so far#and that's kinda concerning for me going forward#suite is also proving to be a huge bore for me. extremely artificial season going through the motions of the franchise#Hummy... save me. Hummy. Save me Hummy#I really don't want to struggle through 13 more unremarkable seasons in the hopes of recapturing the magic of Futari Wa and Fresh#argh. i hate not liking things#sorry for the rant in the tags.
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I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds
#rat rambles#stars posting#I wanna make a thing for odile's parallel scene to the bathroom scene were sif forgets odile's name#but it takes place in the traps room by the wood carving tools which isn't the worst room to have to draw ig but I still dont want to#I could just take the lazy route and just sketch the scene so I can get it out of my head and I probably will#but at the same time I also should draw more stuff with backgrounds even if it makes me want to throw up and cry#but yeah the scene is basically just odile having a derealization moment while thinking abt the wooden odile carving sif made for her#just her looking at it and feeling nothing and trying to look ahead at siffrin expecting to be reminded of what it's supposed to make her#feel and just being met with the same emptyness in her chest as she can barely even recognize the person in front of her until they look#back at her and their expression shifts into a extremely concerned one#does that make sense? idk if Im explaining it well but I hope it makes sense#but yeah smth smth them becoming less real to eachother overtime much to the horror of both#also unrelated but I need to start rotating loop in this au in my head more theres so much to work with here#I have some vague ideas and thoughts but I have been too odile brained to properly elaborate on those in my head#Im honestly just glad Ive finally made an au that I can actually get invested in fleshing out#I havent rly found a good headspace to rly play around with the main cast but this is actually giving me smth to chew on#usually most thoughts I have abt isat just lead to me thinking abt my ocs lol#regardless Im having fun with this au and I hope that I can bring myself to commit to it#also Ive been trying to think of a decent name for this au and Im half tempted to call it from the top or smth but I feel like Im tempted#to call like every story I make that so Im on the fense abt it#especially since thats what Ive been planning on calling the prologue for spiraling upwards#not that I cant just do both but I wanna see if I can think of any alternatives
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