#i eat now like. more than i did before and ive actually been having lunch recently??? which isn’t something i did much b4

[obii-wan-kenobiii]

hi everyone we’re trying on the dress i bought last year when i was severely anorexic and hoping & praying it still fits

[midday-clouds]

Yandere Batfamily x Neglected & "Immortal" Reader 》 IV

Part I Part II Part III

Wow, can't believe this was just a concept idea and this is part IV XD Part V may be the end but I'm not entirely sure. Don't get your hopes up for a part VI

Also, some of y'all wanted a tag list soo (Did my best but I couldn't @ some of you-)

Tag: @redkarmakai @erikasurfer @szapizzapanda @kore-of-the-underworld @imhere2dosomething @pastel-mouse @cooki3dough @naina326 @peptox @ladylupuscrow @confused-they @megasweetbones @1-800-crazy @lillian-morningstar @butterflycardigann

CW: Mention of past kidnapping, bar fight, blood, "death" and lab testing. Self-harm (Reader testing their ability). Gun shot and injury.

After you finally get Richard Grayson off your windowsill, you can sit down and eat

What makes him think that he can just walk into your life?! And with him being a vigilante, he most definitely could have saved you all that time ago! 

To clear your head, you try to remember what happened before you found yourself in your “brother’s” apartment. 

You and your friends wanted to go to a bar before college started…….a fight happened….How are your friends?! Did classes start already?! 

Opening your group chat with your friends, there are some messages about the bar fight, Red Hood, and how they’d visit you in the hospital

When making your message for the chat, you lie about being discharged from the hospital and ask if classes have already started

Your friends are so kind and update you on everything that has happened since you were in the hospital

The fall semester has begun but you should have an excuse because you were in the hospital

With some help, you were able to email all your professors about your absence and just hope they don’t drop you from the classes

Also hope they don’t ask for any documents from the hospital to confirm that you were there.

After a bit of rambling, you and your friends log off the group chat for the night. You never told them about what actually happened to you or what you found out about Nightwing, Red Hood, etc.

The information is difficult for you to process. Your whole family are famous vigilantes and no one came to save you when you were kidnapped. 

And Nightwing, he really was your first friend in Bludhaven and it always hurts to lose someone close

But he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve your attention and time when he abandoned you just like the rest of the family.

You would have been dead if it wasn't for this weird thing that keeps your heart beating!

Maybe it would be a good idea to test this “power” of yours. You’ve died twice now and it seems that it takes a couple of days to heal and regain consciousness

Just for a small test, you make a small cut on your finger and watch it heal right before your eyes. You were hesitant to do these tests at first but this is also fascinating

Another cut is but a little bigger and it takes a little longer to heal. 

This continues a few times before you can have an idea of how long it takes for your body to heal itself. 

Once you’re done, you decide to go to sleep again and wait until it’s morning

Back at the manor, Tim has been hard at work. Making multiple plans that will end with you coming back home

Some are more intense than others but it can't be helped if you decide to be difficult 

Tim has also spent a lot of time researching your “powers”

Back when Dick saved you from that thief, Tim took the knife with your blood on it for research

Some interesting findings can be helpful if all else fails

It’s around noon when you wake up and your professors responded to your emails

They say that you’re allowed to keep your classes but there is a lot of classwork to catch up on

After eating some lunch, you sit down and look over all the work you’ve got to do. That is a lot….

You spend all day struggling and planning how you’ll get help

The next day, you decide to go to class. You go a little early because you knew you’d likely be lost

Luck seems to be on your side because you’re able to find your classroom! 

Walking inside, you talk to the professor and they tell you about a project for pairs

Thankfully, you’ve already been assigned a pair so you won’t be alone. You do feel bad about not being here to help though 

The professor points you in the direction of your partner and you introduce yourself. The moment your pair looks at you, your mood immediately takes a 180

Why is Tim Drake in your class? Doesn’t he go to a college in Gotham or something?

You pretend to be polite until the professor walks away and you glare at your partner while he just smiles at you

When you sit next to Tim, you try to sit as far away from him but he just moves closer

Before you can argue with him, the professor starts talking about the assignment for the day

You try to do the assignment alone but immediately get lost and you reluctantly accept Tim’s offers to help

Tim’s explanations were quite helpful and you both finished quite quickly. The room is filled with chatter so you take this moment to interrogate your “brother”

He gives vague answers to your questions but is sure to mention that he didn't want to leave his “sibling” by themself

Before you can respond, Tim cuts you off by saying he has something for you

You watch him carefully as he shows you a familiar item

Your phone

You instinctively reach for it but Tim stops you by grabbing your wrist

Glaring at Tim and his smiling face, he says he’ll give your phone back if you’d go back to the manor for at least one night

Tim repositions his hand on your wrist to be your hands intertwined 

You try to remove your hand but Tim persists. It isn't until you decline his offer does he put your hand down

You’ve lived a couple of weeks now without your phone so there is no need for it. Plus, you plan to buy a new one later

Tim doesn’t mention the family for the rest of the class

When class is over, you immediately go to the library (Almost got lost) to finish more work 

You settle at an empty table near a window and take out your laptop. Of course, it doesn't take long for you to struggle with the assignment and begin feeling annoyed

(Un)Luckly, Tim has found you and offered to help

With his help, you’re able to complete a few assignments before you have another class to go to

Tim invites you to the manor again but you still decline him

You only have two classes today so you hope to get home as soon as possible before running into Tim again

This repeats for a couple of more days

Everyday, you always have Tim in one of your classes

Tim attempts to bribe you to go to the manor with him, with your phone, playing games together, some other stuff you didn’t pay attention to

At least he never bribed you with his help on your classwork. Even after you catch up on old assignments, there are just so many concepts to understand

It’s annoying but Tim has successfully squeezed himself into your life by constantly being around

Something seems to have changed though because you notice Tim has started to leave you alone more

You don’t know why but would rather not question it. He’s a vigilante, right? He probably has some work to defeat a villain or something, you can literally care less about what Tim does

One day, you’re with your friends to participate in an event on campus. There are supposed to be games and free food so why not

Before the event began, there was a speech from the sponsor of the event

The sponsor is a lab group of some kind, promoting the study of life and encouraging new findings. You don’t know what it is but something about them sends a shiver down your spine

When the speech ends, you and your friends play a few games when a person from the sponsor stopped by

You all talk a bit and answer some minor questions before the person goes to a different group of people

At the end of the event, your friends offer to drop you off at home but you decline. You don’t live that far away and you also have pepper spray to keep yourself safe

While walking a person blocks your path. It’s that same sponsor person from the event

They go into more detail about the lab group they’re in, researching life and all

You do your best to remain calm, not showing your disturbance by their sudden presence

That is until they point out how there was a bar fight in the area and a victim went missing

A victim that looks exactly like you, covered in bruises and cuts, bleeding so much that the hospital wouldn’t be able to save them

Yet here you are, in perfect condition

This is when they finally reveal their intentions, wanting to figure out how you escape death

Offering a place in the lab group as a researcher and totally not a test subject

You pretend to consider their offer while carefully taking your pepper spray out of your pocket

It seems the person planned for this because they quickly take out and shoot at your hand holding the pepper spray

Terrified, you immediately make a run for it

You’re filled with so much adrenaline that you can't hear the person shout and the other gunshots that nearly miss you 

Running through multiple alleyways, something suddenly grabs you and pulls you into an almost pitch-black area

Things move quickly as an arm wrap around your waist, a whirling sound is suddenly hear above you, your feet leave the ground, and now you’re on a rooftop

You almost collapse once this new random person releases you from their hold

No longer in a dark alley, you can finally see who this new person is

Red Robin 

He gives you some time to catch your breath and calm down, putting his grappling gun back on his utility belt

Once your heart rate slows to a normal pace, you’re quick to show your annoyance at seeing the vigilante

Red Robin just seems to smile at you, not showing how your words affect him in any way

When you finally give Red Robin a chance to speak, he goes straight to the point

He admits to leaking some information to that lab group, just wanting you to see how you can live on your own

Even if Red Robin didn’t tell the lab group about your ability, they would have found out eventually 

That’s what happened to your mother after all

The vigilante then gives you two options

You can go with the research team and be tested on for the rest of your life or you can have a life back at the manor

Hell, there is a chance that your family of vigilantes can find and save your mother. Allowing you to reunite

As long as you returned home

With your two options, you find yourself back at Dick’s apartment

Dick bandaging up your hand, Jason carrying a box with stuff from your apartment, and Tim contacting Bruce

[angel-kyo]

Pay it no mind

Part XVIII

In which reader confesses their feelings to Gojo, but it seems these are not returned (maybe?).

Warnings: reader is on the receiving end of rejection (kinda), and the fact that I'm obsessed with unrequited love is a warning itself, and... idk, I didn't mean to put anything warning worthy here, but if you think of something I guess let me know. <3

Previous: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part IV, Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII

----------------------

The days that followed after Satoru told you he liked you, it seemed that everything had gone back to normal and you two were slowly falling back into your usual routine: meeting up early in the mornings, bantering in between classes and missions, and eating lunch with Shoko when all of you were at the school. It was comforting to have things return to how they used to be, or that was what you thought.

“What’s up with him?” Shoko asked across from you.

Satoru had business to attend so he had just left you and Shoko at the table in the cafeteria.

“What do you mean?” you looked in the direction he had gone but could no longer see him.

From your perspective, Satoru had not changed much since that day he walked through the school holding your hand; he had not pressed the subject of whether you liked him back still any further either, and since he appeared to be okay in this grey zone where you two were sitting, you had not brought it up either. However, Shoko, as perceptive as ever, had noticed how Gojo, who always seemed to like your personal space, was moving into it almost permanently these days; how he was not even bothering to be discreet with the way he looked at you or remained by your side when you were in the same room, and how, if he was not careful, it would be evident to everyone pretty soon.

At first, Shoko had believed it was all in her head; since that day, years ago, when she first considered that Gojo could have some kind of crush on you, the notion had prevailed. In fact, she had thought she was looking into her friends’ relationship too much, maybe because none of them seem to pay any mind to how they were perceived, so it was not entirely impossible her eyes were just making her believe what she had accepted as true for so long was finally materializing.

Gojo’s laid-back attitude had been one of the reasons why Shoko doubted he cared seriously about whatever feelings he could have for you. Other than that rocky season in high school and a few other occurrences through the years that followed, Satoru had never taken any steps towards an actual relationship with you. Hence, Shoko thought it's a harmless crush.

But as of lately, he looked more... intent. Or maybe...

He’s losing his grip.

“You’ve never found him annoying, have you?” Your friend looked at her almost empty plate and it somehow reminded you of a similar talk you had had months ago.

“A bunch of times, but I guess I don’t find him too annoying,” you answered.

“Isn’t that all love is about?” Ieiri’s eyes connected with yours.

Her comment caught you off guard, and she might have noticed the way your smile froze because her gaze did not leave yours.

You did the only thing that could think of: laugh it off. “Yeah, I guess, if love is annoying, that is.”

Are you finally annoyed by it, Gojo?

“You tell me.” Shoko smiled and put the last bite of her food in her mouth.

***

“Why won’t she just admit she likes him?” Satoru asked while looking at the movie playing in front of him.

Maybe it was a rhetorical question, but you did not look at him before replying “Because there would have been no movie if they were that direct.”

It was a Friday night and Satoru had made an impromptu proposal to you to have a movie marathon at his place. You had accepted but now, into your first movie of the night, you were having trouble to stay focused on the story, which was supposed to be some sort of romantic comedy, not half as bad as many, but the romantic scenes were making you self-conscious.

You watched the scene where the protagonists had gone from arguing to making out and you felt the need to look somewhere else.

From the corner of your eye, Satoru seemed unimpressed.

He’s unfazed, of course he is.

Actually, Satoru was only calm on the surface. Unbeknownst to you, he had also perceived the change in the air between the two of you when the more intimate scenes started playing. He thought he should have chosen a different film, but suggesting changing it now would only make the unsaid more obvious, so he was sticking it up with the most unexpressive face he could manage as the actors on the screen seemed to melt into each other.

Satoru had not meant anything suggestive by choosing that movie; he had just played the first thing he found as he always did when you had not planned in advance, and under normal circumstances, that would have been fine. You had watched all kinds of films together, including romantic ones, the good and the bad ones, but now…

Satoru was already looking at you when you were about to steal another glance in his direction.

His gaze revealed a question he dared not ask, or rather, a question he had promised himself he would not ask until you were ready.

He was trying to be a good friend, even if he wanted to be more than that. It had taken him a while to figure out his feelings, so he had resolved to give you as much time as you needed. Yes, Satoru was convinced he could wait patiently, but…

Is he leaning forward?

At times… His resolve weakened.

“[name]…”

The look he was giving you was that of a kid who wanted to ask for something but did not know how. In his clear eyes, there was need but also fear of being denied.

What is your answer? his eyes were asking.

The winter had also frozen time in your friendship, in this safe spot in Satoru’s place, where you could still be friends and pretend nothing needed to change as it never changed in the years before, not in his apartment nor in your friendship. But time must go on, does it not?

“Satoru...”

His phone rang.

Both of you looked at the phone that was screen-down on the coffee table in front of you, and it seemed to take Satoru a couple of seconds to decide if he wanted to pick it up, but he finally did.

“I’ll be right back.” You got up and went to the kitchen.

Giving him some privacy to take the call was an excuse; part of you just wanted to escape of it all, ask Satoru to take it back, let everything remain as it was, stay in the known, but the other part, the part that had been falling for him all this time wanted to see it through.

Are you in love with him?

For a second, you were back in your living room with Haruki, his question and your answer resonating in your head as you watched the cup of tea travel steady from the table to his lips.

“Some people think knowledge that doesn’t change behavior is worthless,” his eyes did not meet yours, and you did not reply immediately.

“If you knew he liked you, would you act on it?” He had almost finished his cup.

"I don't know," you replied.

Months ago, you had been convinced you wanted to act on your feelings, but now, the idea of change was scary, the idea of trying to later find out it was not what you wanted, was scarier; the idea that you and Satoru would never recover if that happened, was terrifying.

“To change something, you first need to accept the possibility of change, and of course you need to know that those possibilities exist. I guess in that way, that knowledge is not worthless, even if nothing actually comes out of it. We should accept the possibilities.”

His feelings were sudden but if there is a possibility...

“Okay, I can accept that,” you said lowly to yourself.

“You can accept what?” Satoru was looking at you and taking the sodas you had just mindlessly pulled from the fridge from your hands.

The room felt a few degrees warmer with his proximity.

“Nothing, I was just...” Your gaze drifted to the door leading to a small terrace where Satoru had installed a couple chairs to sit on when the weather was nice. He almost never did it though, and you could use some fresh air. “Do you want to go outside?”

A smile played on Satoru’s lips. “Isn’t it cold?”

“Just for a bit.”

That was how you and he ended up outside looking at the city lights. You looked up but it was impossible to see the stars. Satoru mirrored your gesture and then directed his gaze back to the city.

“Do you ever regret it?” he asked.

“Regret what?”

He shrugged. “Staying here, doing what we do, not going somewhere quieter or… somewhere where you could see the stars.” He looked up again and you kept your gaze on him.

Why was he asking that now you did not know, but you answered him honestly.

“I do not regret it.” It was true. Even when you did have the opportunity to do something else or be somewhere else, you chose not to leave. “This is pretty too.”

The lights of a city that never seem to sleep were probably not as fascinating and mystical as the stars that burned millions of light years away, but they had some beauty of their own.

“I guess so,” Satoru agreed, and he wrapped an arm around you, and after some silence he spoke again.

“Aren't you cold?”

You nodded your head. “But can we stay here a little longer?”

And maybe what you really wanted to ask was can we stay like this a little longer?

In any case, Satoru would have given you the same response as he held you tighter.

“Of course.”

----------------------

Note: I'll try to proofread... Oh, and sorry about basically disappearing. Thank you a bunch for the kind messages during my silence. <3

Thank you for reading!

Next: Part XIX

@mavs-stuff @witchbybirth @crookedlyaddictedone-blog @tqd4455 @maybe-a-bi-witch @mo0nforme @maliakealoha @zacatecanaaaa @blushhpeachh @astriarose @missesgojosatoru @ba-ks @sukunasleftkneecap @songbirdlully @cole-silas @heijihattorisgf @chokesonspit @hersheyzzz @smolbeanzzz @luciledreamz @avidreadee123 @moonmalice @ratscandaler @sadmonke @allie-jay @username23345 @spin-garden @ashehateaccount @kayzens @blehtotheblehtothebleh @stellasloth @bloopsstuff @cheesemachine44 @tetsuski

[xxlady-lunaxx]

Hello, here I come to request again.

Giyuu x Kanae in the academy au? Like Giyuu and her eating lunch together maybe?

EYY GIYUUKANA!! gonna be honest, ive only shipped them through sanemi (so, sanekanagiyuu of smth) so ive never written or drawn anything with them BUT ILL GLADLY ADD THEM TO MY SILLY RAREPAIR SHIPS <3 / idk if you can tell but i got carried away writing this 😭 i forgot to make them eat lunch together :(

Giyuu was always so quiet and apart from the rest of the teachers. He’d always been like that, seeming to prefer his solitude—which was a bit odd considering his profession was to be in the same room of, like, 30 students per hour. Many of the students and teachers have described him as… less than pleasant to speak to. The students complained mostly because Giyuu had somewhat put himself in the duty of telling off the children who strayed from rules. But despite the negative comments towards Giyuu, he had his own small, adorable sides. The ones where he was more than a self-isolated man who liked chasing children through the halls. Sides that he seemed to allow only a select few to see. Kanae was one of them.

Most of the time, it was intentional. Letting the softer sides of himself slip out. But there were a couple times he wasn’t even aware Kanae had witnessed. For example, the first time she saw him smile.

It was late in the day, with only one or two students left. Really, they were only there because they were either one of the staff’s children or younger sibling. Kanae was leaving now, having gotten a text from Shinobu that she needed to be picked up. As she made her way out of the school, she spotted Giyuu standing beside a woman who resembled him. Intending to greet Giyuu—or say goodbye—Kanae had stepped forward. Before she managed to say anything, she registered a smile that seemed to light up Giyuu’s entire face. It was kind and content and softened his features, contorting the usually stoic face into something like a soothing day. As if she had seen something she wasn’t meant to, Kanae left, ducking away and pretending that she’d never made the fleeting detour that had her conjuring the smile in her head for the whole way towards Shinobu’s university.

At the time, it had felt wrong. Like she’d intervened into something personal, something only for Giyuu and the woman whom she’d learned to know as Giyuu’s older sister. But as time had passed, Giyuu began to relax around Kanae. And, eventually, he did smile. At her. Because she had always been so kind to him, despite the complaints he had received from others. She had never shared them. She had only offered him company and food and, well, smiles. He was still quiet, of course, that came inevitably, no matter who he spoke to. But his silence came comfortably, less tense, around Kanae. So they were able to sit together and not worry about how quiet Giyuu was being, not worry about trying to make conversation. And, with how much time they spent with each other now, Kanae could speak without wondering if Giyuu was actually listening, able to discern his reactions. They were subtle but there. She appreciated the fact that he would listen to her rant, regardless of if he found it interesting or not (she could tell when he was uninterested and found it amusing that he wasn’t in the least aware she could do that).

Given how different they were, it did come as a surprise for the rest of the teachers when they caught on with the fact that the two were constantly around each other. The contrast was easy to see and no one would deny that they were an unlikely pair. But at any questions about it, Kanae would simply say, “Opposites attract!” with a smile. She also used that as her explanation for when Giyuu asked why she bothered speaking to him. He’d asked enough times for her answer to become something like a tease—now accompanied by a mischievous grin and followed by a sigh from Giyuu, who actually didn’t mind.

Their friendship became something very treasurable, both caught up in the peace they found with each other. So much so that when Giyuu spoke one day, a rarity in general, they were both caught completely by surprise by his words. His own eyes widened much more than Kanae’s, a hand clamping over his mouth. But after Kanae got over it, a smile made itself known. If she were being honest, she had begun to see him in a different light. She hadn’t said anything, not quite willing the risk in mentioning it. Clearly, Giyuu hadn’t meant to say it either, his panic stirring in the way he scrambled to correct himself, shaking his head as if arguing with himself. But Kanae was quick to calm him, saying, gently, that the feeling was reciprocated—mutual in the way she also didn’t want to do anything to their friendship. Nevertheless, they did settle on something. Something that wasn’t completely a romantic relationship, but could never only be friendship. Something without a label, just for them, just for the soothing of the heart that appeared when they were together. Because Giyuu and Kanae fit like two puzzle pieces, clicking immediately without a second thought.

idk how to end things but uhm this was so fun to write expect more of them<3

[padfootagain]

Something Good (IV)

Chapter 4 : Ex

Here I come with a new chapter for this series! This is just cute, no warnings to be applied.

I hope you like this chapter!

***********

Warnings : none, just fluff

Sum up : Coming out of a divorce and trying to get used to being a single mom, while teaching your classes at University, you thought your life could not get more complicated than it already iss. But when you are asked to take care of the theatre club with the colleague that you really can't get along with, you realize that everything can still get ten times more complicated in your life. And when you start actually liking Professor Barnes, the troubles only grow exponentially...

Pairing: Ben Barnes x reader

Word Count: 2850

"He's so annoying!"

You planted your fork angrily into the innocent piece of potato in your plate, making your friend laugh.

"Oh, come on. He's not that bad," Jasmine argued, drinking some water.

"Sorry, forgot you fancied him."

She almost choked on her drink.

"I DO N…!"

She looked around, realizing that your colleagues were now staring at your side of the table.

It was lunchtime, or rather… it had been lunchtime about an hour before. You and your friend had been too busy to get a proper break, and were hurrying to finish eating to get back to work. The advantage of being late was that the lunch room was almost entirely empty, filled with researchers and PhD students from other departments you barely knew. You could thus talk all you wished about your new nemesis.

Because if at first you had tried to allow him the benefit of the doubt, you had given up after that last meeting.

Insufferable. Ben was truly insufferable.

"I do not fancy him," your colleague repeated, with the same outraged and angered look, only in a whisper this time.

"Really? I thought you did… What was the description you gave me when I arrived here last year… oh yeah. 'Gorgeous', 'charismatic'..."

She threw a piece of bread at your face, making you both laugh and effectively shushing you.

"I'm serious, Y/N," Jasmine resumed the conversation after taking a bite of her salad. "He's very sweet."

"For now, he has hidden that part of his personality with great talent."

"He just… he's shy. And I think something happened that made him fear change."

"What happened?"

Jasmine looked around for eavesdroppers, making you chuckled at her dramatic gesture. As if she was about to reveal a secret worthy of the MI6…

"No one knows. Some people say that Miles knows what it is, but he’s never told anyone. And you know how much Miles loves both hearing and talking about gossip. So, it must be something… strange."

"Strange? What now? Do you really picture that guy as a psychopathic murderer?" you joked, unable to refrain your laughter.

You were interrupted by a tired 'hello!' spoken behind you. Paul had just walked in, aiming for the coffee machine, unsurprisingly. You both waved at him before resuming your conversation. You were sitting at a table not too far from the sink and the old table on which rested an exhausted microwave, an electric kettle that only worked if you kept your finger pressed on the 'start' button, and the coffee machine. You thus had to speak a little louder to be heard as your colleague was preparing his hot beverage, the coffee machine making a rumbling noise that could be heard from across the corridor.

"Of course, nothing like that," Jasmine replied, rolling her eyes. "He's very sweet. I meant that something must have happened to him that kind of… closed him up. You know?"

"Closed him up? You mean… that shoved a stick up his arse…"

"Y/N! Don't be mean!"

It was your time to roll your eyes.

"Right… so what should I do about Ben then?"

"You should be more patient with him. Try to calm that tornado of yours."

"I'm a tornado now?"

"You do have a tendency to create chaos everywhere you go."

You reflected for a moment on this thought, and had to admit it wasn't entirely false. But then, your life had turned you into this ball of energy that could never calm down. With your demanding job, your daughter to take care of, single-parenting, your asshole of an ex-husband… if you slowed down, even for a moment, you were afraid you would crumble.

But then again, if your colleague was the kind to need time to accept change… maybe you could try to slow down, at least concerning the theatre club. Give him one more chance…

Ben was pacing. His office was small, and yet he took advantage of every square inch in an attempt to get rid of some of his frustration.

A stick up his arse?!

Really?!

“Not sure I was right to tell you about that…” Paul mumbled, watching his friend moving through the room.

“Oh, no! You were perfectly right to tell me! Because now, this is war.”

“Come on, Ben…”

“No! I really tried to be understanding. I am well aware that I am not perfect, and I could make things easier, and I tried. I really did try. But clearly, she has no intention to make an effort. Can you believe that? A stick up my arse… I’m going to show her. I’m going to show her if I can’t be cool and relaxed as well.”

Hands planted on his hips, he stared at the campus laid beyond his window. Students were here for the beginning of their classes. A new school year had begun, with its back and forth, its teenagers lost in corridors and a stressed level abnormally high for the teachers who needed to get used to teaching again.

A stick up his arse!

He needed to make you pay for this. But how? How could he show you that he was absolutely not the old, grumpy teacher you seemed to think he was?

Suddenly, a smile grew on his features, both bright and a little… dangerous.

“I know what I’m going to do!”

He turned to Paul in a twirl.

“I am going to find the perfect musical, one that all the students will want to perform. Then my play will be chosen and she will have to work on something I have decided for the whole year.”

“Alright… and what play is going to bring you your sweet but outrageously undeserved vengeance?”

“Oh yes, it’s going to be sweet, alright…”

“That was not the information you were meant to retain from my statement.”

“I need to find a play. I need to find a musical that’s cool… What kind of musicals are cool?”

Paul remained silent for a moment, arms crossed, thinking hard.

“Hamilton!”

Ben nodded with a bright smile.

“Excellent choice! I love that one too, it would be brilliant!”

“You’re welcome. I am unbelievably smart indeed, thank you, I am well aware of that.”

“Thank you, Paul,” Ben bowed down dramatically, making both of them laugh.

Paul had to leave for a class shortly after. Ben prepared himself a warm cup of tea before sitting down behind his desk, ready to go back to work. He still had to go through the lesson he was giving the next day to some of the first-year students, and then go through several articles, fill up a form to get access to some rare documents of the local archives, and he also had to check for a trip to London to the British Library to work on original manuscripts in the coming months…

He heaved a sigh: so many things to do. He picked up a blank sheet of paper and wrote down his to-do list, pushing up his glasses as they began slipping down his nose. He stared at the list for a moment, checking if he had forgotten anything else…

Oh, but he needed to find another musical! He remembered then that you had agreed on three plays to propose for a vote to your students. One you could choose individually, and one you would settle on together. He needed to come up with one more option…

He thought about it for a few minutes, but his brain was already set on this lesson he had to prepare, and he gave up quickly. He couldn’t focus on this now. Besides, he reckoned that his impressive collection of films at home would help him find inspiration. For now, he merely added another line at the bottom of his to-do list, set the paper next to his computer screen, and went back to work.

Ex-husband. Ex. That was still a term you had to wrap your mind around.

Ex.

It was a strange feeling, really. Saying goodbye to the person you believed would spend the rest of his life with you. And all of a sudden, by the gain of this little particle before his designation, all your plans for the next 60 years had to be re-written.

Ex. That's what these two little letters meant. A whole life planned out and vanishing.

It was outstanding, really, what two tiny letters could carry within their shapes. It wasn't just a new way to define a person, that was only what a dictionary would have offered as a definition. But you knew better, you taught English Literature after all. You tried to teach that to your students. Words mean more than what the dictionary reveals.

Inside these two letters were the months spent fighting with him. The weeks you didn't sleep. The rage within your ribcage. The loss. The grief. The doubts. The loneliness of coming home to an empty house when you had believed you would never have to do that again. Thinking of ways to tell your daughter until you got headaches. The lawyers. A pen. Signing your name, the same signature as the one you had used when you got married, this time to break a vow instead of building one. It was staring at your wedding ring for weeks without being able to take it off; and then finally slipping it off your finger while crying and hiding it away in a drawer. It was removing his pictures in your house. It was finding a new place because your home felt too empty without him. It was staring at his name for hours on your phone screen in the dark of your bedroom without dialling the number. It was waking up alone. It was sharing custody of your daughter. It was grief. And then… then it was fear. Fear that maybe there was something wrong with you, and that it was the reason why it didn't work out in the first place.

That was where you were at after a year of separation. It was tough, you weren't going to deny it. It was hell, even. But you still got out of bed every morning, so you reckoned you weren't doing so bad.

The flat felt empty and too silent without your daughter around. It was the weekend, and she was with your husband.

No, ex-husband. Ex.

The infamous two little letters.

You were alone in your apartment, just scrolling on your phone at random while something was on TV, but you didn't even know what it was. A movie of some kind. Despite the noise coming from the screen, there were no giggles from your daughter, you couldn't hear her play or draw, rummaging through all her little pencils. Instead, you were stuck with the TV screen. It felt lonely.

That was the hardest part: you were lonely.

You hadn't felt that way since you started dating your ex. Even when the two of you were apart because of a business trip, the only knowledge that he was missing you filled the hole in your chest. But there was nothing now to ease the feeling.

Sometimes, like today, you even missed him. Even wished the two of you were fighting, at least then you wouldn't be on your own. It was stupid and you knew it, but what else could you do against a pain like that?

Your friends encouraged you to go out more, now that you were single again, and some of your evenings were free when your daughter was with her father. But it wasn't the point, and your friends didn't get it. Even when you were with them, you were lonely. It wasn't about seeing friends, it was about being alone. You weren't sure how to explain it, weren’t sure how to find the right words. Ironic for someone who spent her life studying the words of others…

You stood up in a jolt and moved to your bedroom to open a drawer. The strength of your movement disrupted some of your clothes, although your drawer was more of a messy agglomeration of fabric than anything else. Folding took too long, after all. You rummaged through the socks, t-shirts and jeans until you found that little velvet box you had been looking for. Two rings inside, for when Steve proposed and when he married you. You were crying before you could even notice.

You almost wished it wasn't over. Almost. You had to leave him though.

But you were alone now, and what if you couldn't love anyone else?

Or worse, what if no one else could love you?

No, you couldn’t let yourself think this way. You were not perfect by any means, but your husband was also to blame for the end of your marriage. Actually, it was mostly his fault. You had made a bargain, and he didn’t respect his part of the agreement.

You threw the box back into your drawer, burying it deep under your clothes, and stormed out of the room.

You needed something to do. And this bloody TV was completely uninteresting.

What to do? What to do…? Watch a movie! That would take your mind off of your self-pity. Alright, a movie… what movie…

You scanned the shelf upon which you kept your DVDs. You could have checked Netflix, but didn’t feel like it. You wanted a safe option, something you were certain to enjoy. So your own DVDs it was…

Your finger ran across the boxes until you found the perfect one. A movie that would make you cry but in the best way.

You got yourself some popcorn before settling with a warm blanket on your sofa, as the first notes of Moulin Rouge! played.

Ewan McGregor’s sweet voice… it was just what you needed.

Ben had spent a lovely day. A nice run early in this Sunday morning while the sun was still shy and delicate. He had spent quite a while on the phone with his parents, and then with his brother. Then he had met up with a couple of friends for a late lunch, and after a walk across the city he had ended his day by a couple of hours reading. Dinner while listening to the news on the radio, and finally, he was about to settle for a nice movie night. Just what he needed to be full of energy to start a brand-new week the next day.

He had poured himself a glass of red wine and was about to settle in front of some Netflix show he had been binge-watching that week, when he suddenly caught a glimpse of a small piece of paper set on his coffee table.

He heaved a sigh as he picked it up, already knowing what it said, but reading the last line anyway.

On the to-do list, all the tasks had been crossed out, except for one. The last line.

Find another musical - theatre club

He bit his lip, hesitated, but decided he had to complete this one last task. He would keep on thinking about it while watching his show if he didn’t, and he couldn’t have that. It would ruin his evening.

So, instead of settling under a warm blanket, he turned on his heels and walked to the bookshelves on which he kept his DVD collection. A collection he had curated for years. He was almost as proud of it as he was of his book collection. And that was saying a lot…

He narrowed his eyes a little, having left his glasses on his coffee table, and scanned the titles of the movies in search for inspiration. He did have a respectable choice of musicals, as he enjoyed the genre very much. The perfect mix of storytelling and music… how could he not like that?

He scanned the titles, letting his finger run across the boxes to guide his eyes.

Hair? No. Awesome music, but he didn’t feel like doing something so political.

Les Mis? No, too long, and too depressing.

The Sound of Music was your choice already.

My fair lady? Too much of a classic, and he needed something cooler to contradict your impression of him.

West Side Story? You had used your veto for this one.

His finger stopped on the next one. He took a sip of alcohol, staring at the title for a moment, before picking it up from the shelf.

He turned off Netflix to watch his DVD instead.

Settling on his couch as the first notes echoed through his apartment, Ben smiled, knowing that he had made the right choice.

The world of prostitution and parties in the Paris of the end of the 19th century, with a passionate and yet tragic love story, and a set of amazing songs… you would see if he had a ‘stick up his arse…’.

Yes, Moulin Rouge! was the perfect choice.

Ha… and Ewan McGregor’s sweet voice! Yes, as Ben took another sip of his red wine, he reckoned that this was a perfect evening indeed.

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[findingmypeace]

I don’t think I’ll be able to write a whole post. I may or may not have my phone for long. This has been one of the hardest treatment stays ever. I’ve been at CFD since Monday. But I’m currently in the ER. CFD sent me here for fluids. I’m still dealing with all of the physical symptoms I was before I came and it’s been explained to me that it’s all related to dehydration. They had me on couch rest and even had someone escorting me everywhere because I’m cfall risk. I’ve been trying so hard to keep up with the amount of fluids they want me to drink but it hasn’t been enough.

When I say this has been my hardest treatment stay ever there’s only been a 2-3 meals snacks since I was admitted where I haven’t had a full blown panic attack. I’ve been so scared of all food and water. I guess after lunch today it wasn’t a panic attack. It was more that I was so angry with myself for struggling SO much. Shouldn’t this be easier? I’ve been to treatment so many times. I know what I need to do. Why can’t I do it? Wtf is so scary about actual water!!! I feel like that’s ridiculous.

Yesterday I met with the medical doctor and she laid out what I need to do to stay out of the hospital. Drink 3 cups of water + 1 cup of Gatorade, eat at least 50% of my meal plan, and no purging.

TW: I thought of putting this under a cut but instead I’ll try to be vague and give a warning that there will be talk of behaviors. Please skip to the end of this post if that’s triggering for you.

So the goals were laid out for me. I tried so hard to meet them. By afternoon snack I had done 50% of breakfast, AM snack, and lunch. I needed only 10oz more to meet my fluid goal and I had fought purging urges so, so hard. Of course I still have to be supplemented every time I don’t complete a meal at 100%. But I really was doing so much better than previous days.

Afternoon snack is what tripped me up. The actual snack was fine and I did the 50%. I needed to. I enjoyed good conversation and I wasn’t already in the middle of a panic attack by the end of snack. I still got supplemented of course. That was the problem. I appreciate that CFD does supplements different than the last place I was at as it’s based more on making up for the nutrients you did not consume rather than, less than 50% meal completion is two Ensure Plus’s and 50% or more is one Ensure Plus. While I appreciate that CFD does it differently the logistics of the set up aren’t that great. I sit at the table by myself, with everyone in the kitchen, and only an open doorway for them to monitor me. They’re all walking around cleaning up the kitchen after a meal snack. The temptation to purge is at 1000%. It’s an epic battle to not purge when I’m sitting there. I know that even just a little would help lessen the anxiety of the food and fluids. The temptation got the better of me after afternoon snack and I purged. I knew that I shouldn’t. The intense fear of the food and fluids combined with maybe getting some relief from the anxiety just became too much. But it wasn’t actually instant relief. There really wasn’t a way of hiding what I had done so within a half hour I was in a room with my dietitian, the nurse, and the executive director and I was told I would be going to the hospital. At first I freaked out. I thought that meant I would be in the hospital for at least a few day. I, once again, started panicking. A little while later I found out that they meant I would just be going to the ER to get some fluids and coming back. I am so grateful they are allowing me to come back. But they did call an ambulance to pick me up. Thankfully, it wasn’t that they thought I needed ambulance but all available staff were required to be at CFD so there was no one else to take me. As I’ve been writing this the IV bag is now done. I am terrified of that much fluid and at the same time it’s actually easier to deal with it that way (through IV fluids). I hope with the IV bag finished I can go back to CFD. And yet I am terrified for what is to come when I go back. Once again facing fluids and food and panic attacks and talking about everything I stuffed down. So many times I want to bolt. I want to throw my plate or cup as far as I can and then runaway. It’s a constant. But I’m trying so hard and everyone in that room when they told me I was going to the hospital also said that they can see how hard I’m working. It’s just so, so hard, and terrifying. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in my entire life.

Anyway, I miss everyone on here. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on everyone but I would love to hear how everyone is doing.💕

[ahoneesan]

ATHLETICS TRACKING - 6/7/23

been a lil bit. i think im making progress? i mean i am literally making progress but its slow slow slow. much slower than id like! but lets talk about how its actually goin before i start bitchin about it lol

as far as weights go: i Am movin up there but bad form (deadlifts and barbell rows are really hard when you have hamstrings thatre as tight as mine are) and inconsistent training has really stymied me. there were a couple weeks there where i was missin at least a day a week, if not two. im not even squattin a hundo yet! that was supposed to be like three weeks ago! anyways i think i might try and get a new alarm app, since using my system clock for both training (volume low so it doesnt disturb others) and actual waking up (volume up so i scream out of bed) has been the majority of whats fucked me. plus holidays, plus days where im not at the office, plus l, plus ratio, plus furp. anyways, weights. i can hit the 5x5 on 40lbs overhead press with a lil exertion, so im gonna try and go back to the 45lbs tomorrow. squats are sittin pretty at 95, ill be trying for 100 tomorrow too. deadlifts n barbell rows i just complained about, ive been thinkin about moving to dumbbell rows but i dont wanna give up on the barbell yet. bench has been fine too. check the numbers below, which will now feature PREVIOUS REPORT COMPARISONS.

cardio has been better, tho really all i did was turn my speed up. i literally bustered out this morning, couldnt even make it to 30 minutes runnin steadily up from 5mph to abt 6.2. which i think is good? im assuming its better to be pushing myself than to plateau at a certain speed, though like i said last time cardio is really a supplemental training for me. consistent extended high heart rate is better than supersonic speed. idk. i at least feel like im really pushin myself there so ill keep on keepin on.

body numbers are i think doin better? weighed myself in at 156 on monday but havent been able to check what the bf% reading was. ive been doing my damndest to stick to a roughly ~1800cal/day diet, to mostly success. getting enough protein is still the biggest problem but im genuinely starting to worry about that less bc im getting at least like 150g during the workday, between protein bar and shake and super slunker lunch (been doin a double meat no rice at chipotle the last few days. their stupid lil calculator says im good but im not sure if i believe it lol) and usually a good amount at home that im sure im at least crossing my bodyweight in grams each day. the extra .5 im supposedly supposed to be eating to meet my 1.5x while im cuttin ehhhhh im less worried about. anyways, i think ive been noticing a lil more muscle in the mirror? could be a lil confirmation bias but im just gonna confirm that bias bc i need a lil somethin here lol. onwards!

NUMBERS

SQUAT - 70 -> 95

BENCH - 60 -> 70

ROW - 80 -> 80 (lol)

OVERHEAD - 45 -> 40

DEADLIFT - 105 -> 135 (was 145, but im goin down again to get rock solid on form)

CARDIO START - 4.5 -> 5.0

CARDIO END - 4.5 -> 6.2

CARDIO DURATION - 45min -> 25min

WEIGHT - 159.2 -> 156.7

BODYFAT - 24.3% -> 23.6%

[qumiiiquinnquin]

ive started to take my antidepressant again after not doing so since one day earlier this month , a very short time earlier this year , and then since last october

i think its been 4 or 5 days now that ive taken it

in comparison to other times , i strangely dont feel really exhausted...that was a side effect that was impacting me pretty bad every other time ive taken my ssri , which made my psychiatrist bring down my dose from 5mg ((a whole pill)) to 2.5mg ((half of a pill)). i havent been cutting my pills in half ((because its honestly an annoying extra step)) and have just been taking them whole ((5mg)) and oddly ive been just fine , not super tired or anything. ive actually been fairly restless when going to sleep the last few nights , not too sure why

i havent been feeling very hungry either , which was something the med helped with when i was more consistent taking it. like usual , i forget to eat until 1 or 2pm when im finally feeling hungry , but im never in the mood for any particular thing , and everything that i could eat sounds not good to me. i eat probably once or twice in a single day , sometimes three and rarely four , only eating one meal ((dinner is enforced in this household)) ((and i did eat lunch 4 times in the last two weeks!! :] )). ive actually been feeling sick when eating anything larger than a snack portion lately... no idea what my weight is but its probably lower than it should be

my med still isnt helping my anxiety , which is not a surprise. its never helped my anxiety and only my depression. i voiced this to my psychiatrist , who only gave me a “hmm , i see” in response. speaking of my depression , i cant really tell if its helping or not...it hasn't been as bad as it was before i first started taking my med for the first time , but its still...not great ((i dont have much to say here))

maybe i need to wait a while. as it turns out , im pretty sensitive to medication , and when i first started taking my antidepressant for the first time last august , it started having an effect about 5 or 6 days in - way sooner than my psychiatrist expected , as he said most ssris usually tend to start having an effect after about two weeks , sometimes three.

i finished one bottle last night and start my second one today , there's only 30 pills in each bottle so ill need a refill as soon as i come back from my mom’s.

just things i thought id detail , since i thought the lack of anything even though ive been taking my ssri for a few days now was a little strange ((and yay i guess im finally taking the medication that'll keep me from feeling like a sinking ship - i guess))

[emilem-forevermore]

soft answers ig

there are actually a lot, but "dans ma tete" by louane <33

brooklyn nine nine all the way

writing! i love both ofc but writing is a nonharmful way to get out all of my negative feelings :)

comfort, especially mixed with trust. as in. laying in someones lap and closing your eyes and just feeling safe

i like to listen to music and draw after a long day.

i don't really.. candles... but my favorite scent is the smell of all my friends' hair <3

my bestest friend. they know my real name, they know my secrets, they accept me however i am and i feel safe, and ofc the feeling is mutual

ohh um. um. squishies, especially food ones

so many!!! the first one i can think of is getting my black belt in taekwondo. i just felt so happy and proud and i remember that moment so clearly in my head of the entire room clapping and my teacher tying the belt around me.

there are a lot, i'm lucky, but yesterday during lunch my friend and i were talking about a silly memory where we laughed so hard and every time we talk about it we immediately end up in tears in the best way XD and today after school i was sitting with my friend and she kept misspeaking hilariously and we made a bunch of stupid jokes that were actually really funny and i felt really... okay :)

a couple, i'd say, but hugging my larger stuffed animals makes me feel happy. blahaj or the panther i named "harry" for when im sad

drawing trees, listening to either very aggressive or very calm songs, and writing poetry about how i feel.

shower. bc feels like rain.

eeee um homecoming is on friday and i get to work at the gsa table (genders and sexualities alliance for my school)

i eat popcorn when im sad, but probably just candy (white rabbits, hersheys, gummy worms)

i really want to do a big drawing with a lot of detail!!

in a long, solid hug where i can take a deep breath and know because i am with that person, everything will be alright

hopefully all ages. right now, i'm pretty authentically me, and i'm really lucky to feel that way

i've written a couple yeah. dont know if ive gotten one

gfskj so many. but i think my first kiss- i remember we were surrounded by our best friends watching 'the summer i turned pretty' and they were in my arms and i leaned down and kissed them and it was so gentle and sweet and genuine

hot cocoa!! always good! especially with popcorn dipped in

it's. it's called 'songs.' i'm so sorry. my favorite playlist not made by me though is called "That's My Kind Of Heaven" (it's kinda abt me i think... so...)

after a play i did yea

i have four. but the first one is a boy i've known since before birth. the second is the person who knows everything about me who i love more than anything (bestest bestie), the third is a girl i've known since kindergarten who i laughed with at lunch yesterday, and the fourth is my ex, someone i've been really open to and honestly trust more than almost anyone

i'm not sure. it'd be blueish, but a mix of a lot of colors

i'd want to live near a lake, in a smaller town with probably my bestest friend :)

i do, a little bit. for a project in science i grew some peppers and they're still alive!! love those and they were fun to grow

i'm proudest of myself, for being who i am and for keeping going even when it was really, really hard.

i get unreasonably angry sometimes but overall? yeah, i really try, at least.

my hobbies look like they're spread all over my room due to the drawings on my walls and the bookshelf organized by color. they look like my soul, with nail polish on my dresser and poems scattered around in notebooks covered with stickers. they look like me.

amazing questions btw

✨soft asks✨

What song makes you feel better?

What is your go to comfort show?

Reading or writing? Why?

Whats your favorite feeling?

How do you like to take care of yourself?

What’s your favorite candle scent?

Who do you feel most like yourself around?

Whats a fabric/texture that’s nostalgic for you?

Best childhood moment?

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? (or just felt really good afterwards)

Do you have a comfort item? Tell us about it!

What calms you down?

Bath or shower to relax?

Whats something upcoming that you’re excited for?

Comfort food?

What’s something you want to create soon?

How do you feel best loved?

What age in life do you think you’ll feel most yourself at?

Have you ever written or received a love letter?

Tell us about a memory you hold close to your heart.

Tea, Coffee, or hot cocoa?

Name of your favorite playlist?

Have you ever received flowers?

Who is your bestfriend?

If your soul was a color, what would it be?

If you could live anywhere with anyone you want, where would it be and who would you bring?

Do you like to garden? Have you ever grown something?

What are you proudest of?

Are you a kind person?

What do your hobbies look like?

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[mojavepumpkin]

2/6/24

interesting day today; got home at 10:40, it's 12:20 now. work was ok, I mean - closing was bad. really bad. its not on me though, so whatever. maybe its easier to cope when i can blame someone other than myself. the rest was good, i breaded today, which ive grown an affinity towards. ive been getting scheduled with P more than anyone else; he always puts me on breading. its cool to bread when hes managing because we can talk, which makes the time go faster.

before that i ate pizza, and a chicken breast as a kind of late lunch - i didnt eat much at school (H wanted it) - though i did eat breakfast which is semi-rare. It was a sausage biscuit. getting out of the school today was horrible, i think im gonna start leaving through the side exit down to new school road to avoid the traffic - also my theory has been basically confirmed, it is indeed easier, faster, and more fuel efficient to circumnavigate the traffic by going through deloach rather than to push through it in the morning.

i missed a beta meeting this morning, i dont know how many points i have - i dont care. C sat with me at breakfast today, which is a rare occurrence, i think me and him are becoming somewhat closer but i cant really tell. i missed the beta meeting because i didn't know about it in the first place but i would've made it ironically had i not woken up with greasy hair and decided to wash it this morning, and had i not taken the 'faster' way.

art class was good - well, we didn't get to talk much at all... actually, i take it back, art class was subpar. very little banter ensued, which is the real reason im in there. we had to do actual work. sucked. biology was fine, took a quiz, 96, test friday. im pretty sure she heard me refer to pollen as 'plant nut'.

lunch food sucked, but i didn't eat much of it so does that matter? english was fine, she attempted a pop quiz but i had already heard about it- plus it got interrupted by a tornado drill - which i'm pretty sure we failed. our plan is shoddy at best, we had kids double stacked on the walls. public speaking was interesting as always, meditated in there. which i might start doing regularly, i was anxious in there for some reason, meditating helped. mrs. waters reminds me of mrs. kelly.

i got mcdonald's after work, but ordered from the wrong one (the ghetto one by the college) so i had to go across town to get it, which added like 30 minutes to my route. the sandwich wasn't even that good. oh well. c'est la vie.

i should be going to sleep but i feel like im owed some me-time, and this is pretty much all im going to get. im gonna restrict instagram to 25 minutes a day, i think. ive reverted back to being a diet coke fiend. one of life's greatest pleasures is an ice cold diet coke from a can.

i need to put gas in my car but im trying to get it to where my mom has to fill it up when she drives my car on friday, i have 85 miles, its tuesday. i dont think im going to make it. i have a haircut one of these days, but im not sure when. ive been thinking about growing it out again, mostly because i saw chip gaines on that fixer upper show, and i think it looked kind of good in a weird way. but haircut for now.

i think writing about my day at the end of it is a good way to end my day. i need to get night face cream, i probably need to shave. if its not cold id like to get outside tomorrow. my legs hurt from standing all day. i cleaned my room today. ive been thinking about going to church. idk with whom. its been so long since ive been. maybe im missing out on something? idk, i'd go with C and M.E., shes invited me before, weird to think im actually considering it.

i suppose this is long enough already.

its only tuesday. i cant believe its only tuesday.

[00neo]

Yesterday's meals: 450kcal

Today's breakfast and lunch: 850kcal

Plus dinner that I couldn't take a pic of but it was chicken and fries and sallad....I had to eat like...more than I wanted to today because I was with family...anyway I estimate it to 383kcal.

Total:1234kcal

Borrowed a bunch of books yesterday from the library. Read a 300page book about anorexia yesterday and during the night. Cried a bunch of times and broke down into a compleat mess all by myself in the middle of the night.

Ive never read so much that is so correct and sounds exactly like me. That book really did something to me and I don't know if it's good or bad. I havent cried before this in over like...a year at least. Probably due to medications and shit but this book broke me.

The last drop that made me lose it and break down, to go from just crying to an absolute depressive, panic and mental breakdown episode was when I read "people with anorexia are pale, have dark rings under their eyes, their nails are dry and ruined and their skin is dry, especially on their hands".

Let me tell you, it was spot on and after having read for hours and cried back and forth, I was exhausted and that last piece made me realize that I'm actually sick. Like I'm like "but I'm not sick enough tho" and yeah I still think that but this book made me realize that I actually like do have an eating disorder. I'm not just faking, I can't just stop, I can't control it and I'll never get out of this without help. Now am I looking for help now? No, I'm not ready for that. My journey isn't done yet and I need to do it my way but I think I for the first time actually accepted that I do have a more low self esteem than I usually care to admit and I validated myself and the fact that I do have real issues with eating.

Just...shit I don't even know how I feel now. Exhausted but also like...hopeless, worthless, like nothing matters and like I'm helpless and powerless. My feelings also kind of have me in a calm state right now. Like, I'm just accepting that I'm powerless and therefore, there's no reason to try.

And I mean like powerless and all in the way that I can't go back and make myself not go through this, I can't make the world that much safer for everyone, I can't change things that have already happened. I just have to live with how my life has been and go from here. It's scary, numbing and freeing at the same time

[shurisneakers]

harmless (vi)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, existential crisis, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, lil bit of angst, clint barton being a lil shit

Word count: 1.9k

A/N: BUCKY BARNES IS BACK AND HAS A CONFIRMED PERSONALITY 

also omg everyone who’s been sending me ideas- ur the lomls. 

if you have any ideas for future inventions/evil plans, lemme know! i might actually end up using them

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Your place or mine? ;)

He stares at the text.

The right answer is mine. See you at the lair.

“Y’all are dating now?” Clint peeks over his shoulder. 

“Fuck no,” Bucky says indignantly. “God forbid.”

“Okay, man,” he retracts, giving Bucky space to turn around and face him. “What do you want to call your mini dates then?”

“Missions,” Bucky corrects him.

“No one wants to go on a mission. You volunteered to go back there.” 

“It’s for the good of the tristate area.” 

“I bet.” The snort he lets out contradicts his words. “Whole world is depending on you, Barnes. Go save them from the treachery of your crush.”

“Enemy.”

“Girlfriend.”

“Mortal nemesis.” Bucky narrows his eyes at him. “Go further, I dare you.”

“What are you gonna do? Choke me? Punch me with your metal arm?” Clint cranes his neck. “Bring it, big boy. I’m not scared of some kinky shit.”

He hates living here. 

The door is left open for him. 

This time, even though the lair is still illuminated by the green light out in the front, there’s a minor change. Sunlight streams in through a skylight in the roof. 

There’s a ladder there, leaning against the rim. It gives him an entrance to the roof, which, judging by the lack of any other presence in the lab, is where he’s supposed to go.

As he gets closer he notices there’s a note on one of the rungs.

‘Evil’ with an arrow pointing upwards.

He rolls his eyes, discarding it on the floor before swiftly scaling the steps.

“Ah, Mr. Barnes,” he hears your voice call out even before his head pops up above the surface. “We’ve been expecting you.” 

He pauses, looking around. “Who’s with you?”

Because other than the gigantic machine pointed up towards the sky, there’s only you with a visor and sunglasses. The  best way he can describe its design was that it was shaped like a pine cone, had a large antenna pointed towards the sky, two handlebars near its base to manoeuvre it with a large button in between them. 

“Just imagine I have my henchmen with me,” you urge. “I’m on a budget, man, I can’t afford them yet. Maybe when my cloning machine finally works-”

He doesn’t answer.

“It’s a James Bond reference,” you add when he doesn’t show any signs of answering. 

“Haven’t watched it yet.” Bucky shrugs. “We’re doing Star Trek right now.”

“You’re done with Star Wars?” you, receiving a nod in confirmation. “Nice. You’d find the spy shit ridiculous anyway, it’s way below your level.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He makes a mental note to add the Bond movies to the list. 

“Speaking of stars,” you begin, gesturing to the machine. “I’m going to harness the power of the sun.”

“For what?” He doesn’t bother asking how, he already knows you’ve figured out something. 

“There’s a science exhibition and my team’s stupid solar car experiment isn’t working and I need it for them to win.” 

“So build a better one.” 

“No, ours is the best and if Jeff and his stupid baking soda volcano beat us then we’re going to have a murder on our hands.”

“Your hands,” he emphasises. He has nothing to do with this.

“I said what I said, boy.” You glare at him. “This is our problem now.”

“How much power are you taking?” If it’s insignificant enough, it wouldn’t matter much. He thinks. 

“The whole thing.”

He laughs. He stops when you don’t.

“You’re taking all the energy of the sun to power your shitty science model.”

“Your face is a shitty science model,” you mimic him in a higher pitched voice. “I will do anything to win.”

He wonders which grade kid you stole that insult from was in. There’s no way they were anything older than 13. He could use it on Steve, maybe.

“Everyone on Earth will die.” He feels the need to remind you, even though there was no way it was actually going to take place. Eat shit, Clint. This superseded the tristate area.

“Not for eight minutes.” You look at your watch. “And, if Jeff dies then I win by default.”

“You’ll die too,” he points out. 

“I’ll die a winner.” You nod seriously as if that makes it better. 

He’s not that worried. Experience tells him that you’re not a mass murderer willingly. 

“You’ll die an idiot.” 

“Only if you don’t stop me.” Your lips curve into a smile. “And how will you when I do this?”

You yank the machine to point towards him and slam the button. His hand reflectively pulls in front of him to defend himself. Something hits him with enough force to send him skidding backwards slightly. 

He removes his hand carefully from in front of him, looking at you. 

Something feels off.

“You just-”

The knives strapped to his thighs suddenly feel heavier.

“Took your powers?” you finish his thought. “Yeah.”

He feels his body tip towards his left. He’s suddenly very aware of the weight of the arm. Had it been this heavy all this while? 

“You’ve barely changed,” you noted, “You’re just regular Bucky but like, 20% less beef.”

After all, he was a boxer when he was a teen. One of the best men the Howling Commandos had even before the serum.

His shoulder feels heavier though. And somehow he thinks he’s sensing things a little less. He can’t really hear the faint buzzing of the generator downstairs anymore.

“Yep, that’s real muscle.” He turns when you poke at his shoulder. He doesn’t know when you got there. “You’re like a modern day Schwarzenegger. Grade A beefcake.”

He can’t see the construction site near the horizon as clearly as he used to. 

Something about this situation makes him feel like he’s going to have a midlife crisis, even though he’s overshot the age by a huge number. No one has a midlife crisis at 106. 

“Now that we’ve established that this works,” you say, back near the machine again. When did you walk there? “Let’s show this bitch that I’m the brightest star allowed in this solar system.” 

He shakes his head to jolt himself awake, shoves aside his mental dysfunction and breaks out into a sprint when you pull the device down to aim it at the sky. 

He latches onto the side, using his left hand to pull himself up, straddling the machine.

“Excuse me,” you exclaim like it’s a minor inconvenience and he feels the machine sway wildly under him. “You’re weighing it down, get off my inator.”  

You’re shooting recklessly, trying to shake him off. It’s not dissimilar to the mechanical bull Natasha made him ride during a mission down south so she could win money off placing bets on him. They had lobster that night.

He reaches down to its side, hoping to feel maybe a panel he can rip off. He finds nothing.  

He hopes none of the rays are actually hitting anything. It’s a little harder to stay on than he’d imagined it would be, and he thinks that maybe this wasn’t the best plan. 

He changes his mind in a split second, swinging himself over so that he can climb the underside of the machine like a monkey bar. He feels like a fucking insect. How was Peter not mortally embarrassed? 

He factors in the fact that his hands are getting clammier and his grip is slipping faster than usual. Also, he can taste his lunch at the back of his throat.

“Motherfucker,” Bucky curses when his hand slips, leaving him to hold on only by his metal arm. 

“You okay?” you call out, not giving him a second to recover unless he really needed it.

He lets out a grunt, swinging his arm up and catching hold of the antenna, yanking it down and towards the machine itself. He pulls himself up so that he’s straddling the machine again. 

One more shot and-

“Very smart, Barnes,” you say dryly, letting go of the handles. 

He sends you a sly grin before sliding down the barrel, kicking the large button with his heel right before he jumps off. 

The beam shoots out, instantly meeting with metal. The device automatically gives a mechanical groan before powering down, turning off altogether. 

“I hate you,” you huff, before noting his paleness. “D’you want some water? An IV maybe?”

He dismisses it with a wave of his hand, inhaling heavily to catch his breath.

He’s tired, more so than he would have been under any normal circumstance. He feels a little dizzy, a little disoriented. 

“Don’t worry, your magic powers will be back in a few minutes or so.” You examine the bent antenna, pressing the button and sighing when it stands there lifelessly. “Once Jeff wins, I’ll send the dry cleaning receipt to you. You can pay to get the tear stains out of the kids’ outfits.”

“Your tears or theirs?” He’s relieved about the powers returning, he thinks.

“Both, bitch.” Your eyebrow quirks at his retort. Clearly, he had more energy in him than people realised; his brain seemed to be working fine. He was stronger than you thought. Good for him. 

“You’re smart. You’ll figure something out.” He lets out a final exhale before standing up a little straighter. 

“Thanks. It’d be better if you asked your billionaire tech genius to send us something, but okay.”

“It’s a middle school science exhibition. Make a potato battery or something.”

You tsk-tsk. “No points for creativity, Mr. Barnes.”

It creeps into his mind without warning. He wonders if he actually wanted the powers back. Wonders what his life could be if he maybe retired, settled down. For the brief time he feels like his pre-war self, he starts to think like his pre-war self.

“I’m not the one who’s about to lose to a baking soda volcano,” he finds time to respond, however. 

“Your face is a baking soda volcano.” You narrow your eyes at him. “I will not lose.”

“You’re running out of time. Chop chop.”

But the thought hits him. Who is Bucky without his super soldier serum? If he doesn’t have his powers then he can’t think of what use he is to the Avengers.

Who the hell is Bucky if he can’t provide a service to others? How else does he make up for being himself?

His, what he’s now deemed, afterlife crisis is starting to look more apparent.

He compartmentalises and stores it away in a box. He’ll bring it up with his therapist later. 

“I’m going to win and then you’ll be sorry you weren’t a part of it because you didn’t let me steal the sun.” 

“If you win, I’ll still be glad I didn’t let you.” He climbs back down the ladder, feeling the ache in his muscles reduce with every passing minute. 

True to your word, his powers do return a while later. 

And while he’s watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with Peter in the living room two days later, his phone beeps with a text. 

It’s a picture of a blue first place ribbon next to a toy car that looks like it’s powered by a potato battery. Beside it is an out of focus middle finger that is aimed at him. 

Congratulations, he texts back. Told you potato batteries always win.

Your face always wins, he receives in return. He can’t tell if you’re insulting or flirting with him. 

He just shuts his phone off and goes back to watching the show. 

Next part

[deus-ex-mona]

they’ll forever be like ✨this✨, huh...

(attempted tl below the cut!)

Giving It Their Absolute All Whether They’re at Work, at Lessons, or on Breaks!

How do the processes of the creation of the songs and performances of Full Throttle4 (FT4) go?

YUI: First off, IV will write a song, and when he’s done with the arrangement, all of us listen to it and voice our opinions. Well, at that point, the song will always already be really, really cool, yannow?! IV is really awesome!

DAI: There are times when we’d come up with ideas for the lyrics too. When that happens, IV would put those ideas together nicely. As for the dance, MEGU would come up with it and I’d check it over, before practising it with him while thinking about our formation. After that, we’d show and teach the moves to YUI and RIO.

Your album was released in February. Please tell us some recollections you have from the time of its production.

YUI: We were holed up in our usual lesson room to work on it, but it was so much fun!

RIO: You brought along lots of snacks into that room, didn’t you?

YUI: It’s because singing makes me hungry, yannow? MEGU and DAI ate my snacks while I was caught unawares though!

DAI: If you don’t want your snacks to be taken, write your name on them next time.

We understand that you have been having lots of lessons and meetings in preparation for your album’s commemorative live performance, but have there been any memorable occurrences within this time?

YUI: It has to be that, right? That time when IV got mad mid-lesson (lol).

DAI: It was during that break when me, MEGU, and you got into a dance battle, right, YUI?

YUI: We got really fired up, didn’t we?! But all of us got too excited, to the point of being drenched in sweat (lol).

DAI: When IV and RIO got back from their meeting, their faces went completely white from shock.

MEGU: And then IV told us “It’s your break, so you should be resting properly!” all angrily. Even though he’s always working without any regard for his own breaks, y’know~?

YUI: Well, that did take up more energy than our actual lesson. Let’s be sure to hold back next time.

RIO: Does the thought of taking your breaks normally even exist in that head of yours?

Music is Always Their Cue for Their Activities and Reconciliation

In a music video, all of you were seen performing on the streets while dressed in your school uniforms. What made you decide to perform on the streets?

RIO: It was because YUI had gotten so excited after hearing a song that IV had written that he started to sing along on our route home when we were in Middle School, right?

YUI: I couldn’t help myself because the song was just so good!

MEGU: People started to gather around after DAI and I joined in with our dancing, right~?

YUI: There were only a few of them, but they were as pumped up as we were. It was really fun!

DAI: We talked it over with IV after that, and that’s how we started to do street performances for reals.

By the way, you did not seem to have the best first impressions of each other, as seen from the instances of the dropkick and the fight, so how did you get to open up to each other like you do now?

RIO: DAI and I fought a little in the past. Back then, DAI took me to the infirmary after I fainted, so I was thinking about returning the favour for that, but… DAI and MEGU stole my lunch, and asked me to make some for them too. We started to hang out increasingly often after that, so I guess I can say that those lunches helped us to open up to each other? 

Incidentally, are there still fights and conflicts of opinions within the team?

MEGU: Speaking of conflicts, didn’t something like that happen when we were working on our album?

DAI: There was some trouble over a flavour of cup noodles, no?

YUI: I wanted to eat the salt flavoured cup noodles, but RIO grabbed it first.

RIO: When it comes to things like that, the fastest one wins.

MEGU: Sparks were flying between the two of them back then, right? (lol) When the recording resumed, they sang like nothing even happened, though.

DAI: This pattern of getting into a fight, only to return to normal as soon as music is involved, happens a lot.

Their Trick to Team Harmony is to Have Disputes with Each Other

In the last interview, YUI invited RIO out with a “Let’s go skateboarding”. Did you rise to the challenge?

YUI: I went skateboarding with RIO in the park when we had some free time amidst our work!

RIO: I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It was a nice change of pace.

YUI: I thought that he’d have fallen more times than he did, but he rode the skateboard so easily. I didn’t have to teach him a single thing, yannow? Whether it involves cooking or even sewing, RIO’s skillfulness is wasted on him, isn’t it?

RIO: My bad for being a waste, then.

You all are such good friends. Is there a place where you would normally get together? 

MEGU: A place that we’d normally get together at would be our usual lesson room, I guess? We’d find ourselves gathering there, even without making plans with each other. Doesn’t that make us seem like we’re really great friends? (lol) And since the place is soundproofed, we can dance to the music with all our might, and talk about nonsensical things without getting scolded. Also, when we get hungry, we’d charge for RIO’s place, so there’s that too? (lol)

Each and every member of FT4 has strong personalities and assertiveness, but you give the impression that all of you mesh perfectly well together. What is your trick for team harmony?

RIO: If I had to give a trick for it, it would be to have disputes with each other… I guess? None of us hold back against each other, so we get into fights often… At times like those, IV would usually step in as a mediator and regain control of the situation. For some reason, everyone listens to IV. Well, we are the ones who would anger IV, though…

The members of FT4 also appear in the currently airing TV anime “Heroine Tarumono! ~The Unpopular Girl and the Secret Task~”. Along with talking about your upcoming activities, please give a message to your fans.

MEGU: I’m thinking of more ways to make you SICKS become more and more addicted to us, so look forward to it, okay?☆

DAI: I’ve been seeing activity from LIPxLIP all over the place lately. Well, they’re not as good as us, though.

YUI: Those guys are getting really fired up too, aren’t they? I saw them glaring at each other real hard a while back!

DAI: Aren’t they always like that, though?

YUI: There’s no way we’re gonna lose to our juniors! We’re always going at full throttle! That means we’re gonna keep going without ever stopping!

RIO: We will deliver songs and performances that only we can do straight to you. I’m counting on your continued support.

If FT4 Attended a Party, Would All of the Attendees be Grooving?!

If FT4 were to perform at a party venue, how would you hype everyone up?

YUI: I’ve got something that I wanna try! It begins with a really quiet intro, with only MEGU and DAI under the spotlights. Then, before the A-melody, the engines immediately kick into high gear, the lights start flashing, and everyone around would feel the groove!

DAI: There are parts that I do and don’t understand about what you just said (lol). Of course, I’d give the coolest performance that I could possibly give.

[neonlights92]

RUN: Chapter IV

Jeon Jungkook hops from bed to bed, sleeping with as many beautiful, rich women as he can possibly find time for.  He’s young and attractive, with a silver tongue that gets him practically anything he wants.  So when his friend and boss, Kim Taehyung, tells him it’s time to settle down, Jungkook takes it pretty badly.  And when he finds out that the woman he’s destined to marry is, in fact, his little sister’s best friend, he is less than impressed.

You have spent your entire life trying to forget the way you feel about Jeon Jungkook.   So when you find out that Jungkook is to be your husband - and that he is anything but pleased about it - your world is thrown into chaos.  How can you survive a loveless marriage with the man you are hopelessly in love with?

WARNINGS: Language, some violence and smut.

A/N: SORRRRRRYYYYY!!!!

You were more confused than ever. 

When Jungkook had promised you a loveless marriage, you knew where you stood at least.

And now… Now what? 

He had kissed you and touched you - like no man ever had before - and now…. You were hungry for him. 

You’d always loved him of course.  Always longed for him.

But not like this.

Your mind kept replaying the other evening’s activities again and again.  Butterflies soared in your stomach just at the sight of Jungkook’s back. 

It was like you had unlocked a second part to your love - this one deeper, more visceral. 

It pained you to be close to him.  It pained you to be away from him.

And your husband…. 

Your husband acted like nothing was different.

In the weeks since that night, Jungkook went back to treating you as a friend.  He took you in his arms as soon as the lights went off - but apart from that, he didn’t touch you. 

You wondered if you’d done something wrong.  Had you offended him somehow? 

Was it because you hadn’t fulfilled your duty as you should? You wracked your brain again and again and again… But just came up empty handed. 

That night had been perfect.  Jungkook had been gentle and playful.  He treated you as though you were something precious to him.

Your heart swelled once again as you thought of the boyish grin he shot you… His fingers on your skin… His lips on your lips. 

God. 

You were like a woman obsessed. 

“Y/N?” 

You were pulled out of your reverie by your husband’s voice.  He was sat across the dining room table from you, his eyes scanning your appearance carefully. 

It seemed he had caught you out yet again on one of your day dreams…

It happened often these days.  Too caught up in remembering your husband’s touch, that you barely even noticed him when he was right in front of you.

“You seem distracted,” His smile was small, “Is everything ok?” 

You nodded and tried to smile back, “I’m fine.  Just uh… Tired.” 

He raised a brow but decided to say nothing, turning back to the sirloin steak he’d just been eating.

You speared a tomato onto your fork as you watched your husband eat, eyes following the planes of his handsome face and heart fluttering around your chest like a hummingbird.

Everything he did seemed to send you into a frenzy, and as his teeth closed around the piece of meat and you watched him swallow it down, your temperature sky-rocketed through the roof. 

Suddenly it was too hot.  You were seeing stars.  You felt like you might explode.

What on earth was wrong with you? 

You stood up quickly, chair scraping back loudly against the wooden floor, and Jungkook stopped what he was doing.

He dropped his fork and cocked his head to the side, “Everything alright?” 

You cleared your throat loudly, tucking your hair behind your ears and pressing your hands against your thighs. 

“Yes.”  You bit your bottom lip, “Yes.  Everything’s fine.  I just.  I’m not hungry.”

His eyes moved to your empty plate, “You’ve barely eaten anything.”

You laughed - the sound empty and hollow - and shrugged, feeling the nerves climbing up your spine.

Could he sense just how anxious you were? 

“I ate a big lunch.”  Your tummy coiled tightly, “I think I’ll just… Go.  To bed.” 

The word bed sent another rush of heat through you, and your cheeks flushed bright pink.  Jungkook’s face was a mask of neutrality.  He never gave a single thing away.

Why couldn’t you be the same?

Hadn’t you both been raised in the mob?

“Okay.”  He licked his bottom lip and your legs trembled at the sight, your hands reaching out to the edge of the table, to steady yourself, “I’ll come join you after I finish.”

You nodded tightly, moving away from him as quickly as possible. 

You felt his eyes following you, even as you left the room, but you refused to meet his gaze. 

That would mean things were truly over. 

Jungkook’s gaze could cut through you like a beam of light, almost.

It should’ve been embarrassing how he affected you.  And yet… You couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

You reached your bedroom and entered quickly, shutting the door behind you and leaning against the cool surface of it’s wood.  You took deep breaths in, calming yourself down, and steadying your pulse now that you were alone.

Your husband was going to be the death of you. 

Jungkook seemed to have no idea what he was doing to you.

And you couldn’t blame him for not knowing.

You were being absolutely ridiculous. 

Weak at the knees from the sight of him eating? 

How old were you?

What was wrong with you? That wasn’t how a woman of your age acted.  It was ridiculous.

And yet… You couldn’t hate yourself for it.

Something about this newfound lust for your husband seemed to send the blood in your veins fizzing.  You felt like a new woman.  Like a lioness had been set free inside of you.

It was cheesy - completely absurd even - but you couldn’t help it.

You wanted your husband to ravage you.

You giggled at your own thoughts, moving towards the ensuite bathroom and running the warm water.  Maybe a bath would help you relax.

It felt like you’d spent the entire evening tense in your husband’s presence - waiting for him to do something that would set you off again - and now your muscles were paying for it.  

You dropped some lavender into the bath, and ran a bubble bar under the tap, watching as foam formed across the steaming water.  This was exactly what you needed. 

The water was heaven against your skin as you sank into the tub, closing your eyes and ridding your mind of your husband’s handsome face.  You could think about him later, couldn’t you?  

Except his long, slender neck kept materialising in your mind's eyes.  You watched again and again as he swallowed the steak, and then slowly it was you he was swallowing.  Your thighs rubbed against one another in some attempt to quell the heat you felt in your core.

But it was just the same as it had been the last few weeks. 

Soon you couldn’t keep yourself occupied anymore, and your hand started to slide towards the apex between your legs.  You imagined it was Jungkook’s fingers dancing across your skin, moving against you - lips covering as much as they could.

It wasn’t the same of course but it would do.

Your fingers finally reached their destination, and you arched your back, wishing it was your husband’s tongue on you.

“Jungkookie,” You breathed, giggling at the nickname you knew he hated, “Oh God.”

A throat cleared itself from behind you. 

You sat up - ramrod straight - and whipped your head around to find your husband himself standing in the open doorway, arms crossed.

“What was that you called me?”  His eyes were dark with lust, “Jungkookie?”

“Oh.”  The word slipped out of  your mouth without your permission, “What are you doing here?” “I came to check up on you.”  He hadn’t moved from his position at the doorway, “I was worried about you.  You were acting so strange at dinner.”  A smile that was somewhere between kind and cruel played on his lips, “Now I know why.”

Your heart was slamming against your chest, as you remembered exactly where you were.

Naked.  In a bathtub.

Your husband didn’t seem to mind.

“Don’t stop on my account,” He rose a brow, “You seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

You felt yourself trembling.  He was enjoying this. 

This… Game.

He was enjoying the way you burned for him.

“I - oh… God.”  You were mortified - but somewhere beneath the shame was something brighter… Harder, “I’m sorry.”

He licked his lips and finally, finally took a step towards you.

“What for?”  He shook his head and came towards the bathtub, kneeling down so his face was level with yours, “I’m flattered my wife masturbates to the thought of me.  You only needed to ask if you wanted my help.”

Your cheeks were blazing, but the look in Jungkook’s eyes was dampening your embarrassment.  

“I didn’t think… I wasn’t sure.”  You licked your bottom lip and his gaze snapped down to your mouth, “I wasn’t sure you wanted me like that.  Again.”

His eyes lifted to your own once more, and this time it was like they were on fire.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night Angel.”  His words were rough, coarse, “Believe me.  I want you like that again.  As many times as you want, actually.”

Your heart felt like it might rip itself out of your chest. 

His hand reached up to your face, and he stroked a finger down your cheek. 

You thought he might kiss you - you wanted him to kiss you so badly - but he pulled away after a moment, and his eyes disappeared down to your legs.  He couldn’t see you properly, not with the bubbles in the way, but he seemed to want to devour you.

“Can you touch yourself again for me?”  He asked after a moment, eyes sliding back up to your face, “I’ve never seen anything sexier.” 

You were sure you were about to hyperventilate. 

He had not just said that. 

He didn’t mean it.

He couldn’t, right?

Jungkook had been with some many more women before you - older, more worldly… Well seasoned.

And yet, his eyes were looking at you with absolute conviction.

You nodded after another long pause and he smiled - that smile that you loved - eyes crinkling into two crescent moons. 

He didn’t stand, as you thought he might, instead moving onto his knees and resting his chin on the edge of the bathtub.  

He nudged your hand and you started to move it down the length of your body, watching as Jungkook’s gaze stayed stuck on your fingers. 

“God.”  He whispered, as though to himself, “So fucking hot, Angel.”

Your hands disappeared under the water, and you felt yourself shiver as your fingers touched your most intimate place.  Your eyes closed then, focusing on your pleasure, and after a moment you felt your husband’s lips on your naked shoulder.  

You opened your eyes and watched as Jungkook licked his way up your neck to the shell of your ear - biting playfully on it.  You groaned at his ministrations, and almost moved your hand away from your centre, when his own fingers enveloped yours. 

“Jungkook - your shirt -” 

“Don’t care,” He groaned, moving his fingers against your own - soaking his probably very expensive clothes, “Jesus.  So hot.” 

You arched into his touch and tried to slip your hand away from under his but he wouldn’t let you.

“No, no Angel,” He whispered against your ear, alternating between kisses and licks, “This is a team effort, okay?” You nodded then, desperate to finish - desperate to make him happy.

Desperate that he was touching you again.

His nose nuzzled into the juncture of your shoulder and neck, and that was what did it for you.  That act of intimacy - the way he seemed to be enjoying every inch of your skin - tightened the coil in your core until it snapped, and you fell apart into a million tiny pieces.

Jungkook encouraged you through it, landing kisses wherever he could and petting your core carefully, wanting you to enjoy every second of it. 

After a moment, when you relaxed, he pulled away and you whined a little eyes still closed. 

“C’mon,”  He said softly, and you opened your eyes to meet with his, “This isn’t exactly comfortable, is it?” 

You shook your head and giggled a little at the look on his face.

So open - so inviting. 

His hand was reaching out to yours and you took it, no longer caring that you were naked, and standing up yourself.

His eyes scanned you hotly, and something akin to a blush covered your whole body.  When he looked at you again you shivered at the appreciation in his gaze. 

“Beautiful.”  He murmured as you stepped out of the bathtub, arms tightening around your waist and lifting you up effortlessly.

You laughed again at this, “I’m getting you all wet.” “Don’t care,” He answered honestly, lips meeting your own finally as he kissed you with all the fierce passion of somebody in love.

You tried to tuck your feelings for him away - to enjoy the moment as it came - but you couldn’t help it.  Your heart was swelling to nearly double the size, you loved him so much.

Jungkook carried you over to the bedroom, laying you down on the bed carefully and climbing on top of you.  His arms caged around you, but you felt safer than you ever had.

You knew he’d never hurt you - never force you to do something you didn’t want to.

“Take this off,” You whispered after a moment, tugging on the collar of his shirt, “I want to see.” 

He smirked then, in that way that was so quintessential Jungkook. 

“Alright Angel.  So needy.” 

You didn’t even deny it, nodding furiously as you watched the shirt slide off his shoulders.  You gasped when his chest was revealed, not even attempting to hide your astonishment.

He was so… Beautiful.

He groaned at the look on your face, cupping your cheeks and pressing a hot kiss against your mouth.

“Don’t look at me like that.”  He whispered against your lips, “You’re driving me crazy.”

“I could say the same for you,” You answered back, voice hoarse with desire, “Your pants, Jungkookie.” He pulled away and rose a brow at the nickname.  You bit your bottom lip and smiled.

“Please?” The word slipped out of you - sweet as honey.  He laughed.

“Alright,” He pressing a hand to your forehead and then started working on his belt buckle, “But only because you said please.” 

You watched as your husband stepped out of his trousers - heart hammering against your chest as he stood glorious as ever, in a pair of tight, black boxers.

You knew what tonight might end with.  You knew what you were offering up to him.

But the truth was… He’d had your heart… Your body… Your soul, since a long time ago. 

So you weren’t scared.  Quite the opposite in fact.

You were ready for this.

You were ready for him.

He kissed you again - fervently - and you felt the blood rise to the very tips of your ears.  God.  You loved him so much, it felt like you might burst. 

He tugged his boxers down, and you felt him pressed up against your thigh.  It might have made you anxious, were it anyone else, but with Jungkook it just felt… Right.

He pulled away slightly, eyes meeting your own, “Is this… Okay?  Do you want to slow down?”

You shook your head quickly, hands coming up to cup his face.

“No.  I want this.”  You cleared your throat, “I want you Jungkook.  Make me yours.”

Your husband’s eyes softened then, and you saw something deeper than just affection or lust.  You saw something whole and full.  Something you’d felt for him for so many years.

Your heart soared. 

Could your husband learn to love you, too? “Okay,” He whispered against your lips, “It might hurt a little Angel.  I’m sorry if it does.” You shook your head, “I don’t care Jungkook.  As long as it’s with you.” His face seemed to melt then, like butter on a hot day, and his fingers pushed into you - opening you up for what  you knew was coming.

And then he was inside you.  He slid in gently, slowly, and though it hurt - you knew you could handle it.  He stopped and pulled away slightly, hands moving your hair out of your face - eyes roving your features.

“Are you okay?” He whispered, and his lips were so close to your own it was like he was kissing you.

You nodded, “I’m fine.  I promise.  You can move, please.”

He smiled then - soft and caring - and you knew the love you had for him was shining in your eyes, but you didn’t really care.  Not anymore.

When he started moving inside of you, you pressed your hands against his back, pulling him closer, wanting his skin against your own.  He was so precious to you.  So perfect.

And he was yours, wasn’t he?

He had to be.

His lips covered your own and you felt him tightening, tightening, tightening and you knew what was coming.  He pulled back slightly, eyes screwed shut.

“Is it okay if I -” 

You nodded quickly, frantically, “Anything you want Jungkook.  Anything.” His eyes opened then and they were so beautiful - so open and honest and you felt like you might drown in them.

And the words slipped out of you, before you even really knew what was happening.

“I love you,” You whispered just as Jungkook reached the peak of his pleasure.  

His eyes widened as they met yours, and you smiled.

Even if he didn’t love you back… It didn’t matter.  Because he was yours.  

He had to be.

He collapsed on top of you after he was finished, breathing heavily, and you enjoyed his closeness with open arms - running your fingers up and down his naked back.  After a moment he pulled away - a small smile on his face.

“That was…” 

“Amazing?”  You supplied, grinning.

He pressed a hand to your cheek and kissed the side of your mouth, “Yeah.  Amazing.” Your heart swelled. 

Maybe all was not hopeless.

//

Your husband was gone when you woke the next morning.

His side of the bed was cold, and even though he wasn’t there to greet you, you were still warm from his touch.

Everything had changed between you… Hadn’t it?

It couldn’t stay the same. 

Not after the way he’d kissed you.  Not after the way he’d held you. 

You sighed to yourself feeling light and frothy inside.  He hadn’t said he loved you - but the way he’d looked at you last night…

He could learn to love you.  Your marriage didn’t have to be cold and desolate as he’d promised you.  Things were changing. 

You stood slowly, legs sore and aching - and pulled a nightgown around you.  It had been hours since you’d had a drink of water - and you blushed as you thought of how much exercise you’d actually endured since last night.  

You tried to make yourself look as presentable as possible… But secretly, you sort of wanted all of the help to wonder if Jungkook had finally made you yours.

It was silly, maybe, but the thought of others knowing that your husband wanted you in any capacity, brought a glow to your skin. 

You slipped your feet into some slippers and smiled to yourself, stepping out of your bedroom and almost skipping down the hallway.

It felt almost like you were floating on a cloud.

You started making your way towards the kitchen - intending to make yourself a quick breakfast - when you noticed that the door to Jungkook’s study was slightly ajar.  You crept towards it, intending to surprise him with your presence, when you noticed he wasn’t alone.

Your heart swam all the way into your throat as you noticed that Jungkook was standing in front of a woman.  

You couldn’t see her face - only the back of her head - but you knew it was a woman when she spoke. 

“You promised you’d wait for me.” There was a tremble in her voice.

“I couldn’t… There wasn’t anything I could do.  It was decided for me.” 

Jungkook’s eyes were unreadable.  You felt your chest tighten.

“This was why you kept me a secret,” You could hear the tears in her voice, “This was why you kept up the pretense of fucking around.  So you could marry her?” 

Your husband’s eyes widened and he stepped towards her, grabbing her by the arms. 

“Keep your voice down Violetta,” His voice was soothing, “She’ll hear you.”

Her shoulders were shaking and you realised she was crying, “I don’t care Jungkook.  I thought you loved me.  Was I wrong?”

There was a long beat of silence.  Your husband’s eyes softened then, and the mask dissolved. 

“Violetta…” 

And then she reached up and pulled your husband towards her.  And she kissed him.

Your heart cracked right down the middle and you choked back a sob.   Jungkook pulled away from her almost immediately - his eyes darting to meet with yours.

He’d heard you.

“Y/N!” 

He moved away from Violetta and as you turned, your eyes connected with hers. 

She was beautiful.

Your world crumbled like dust around you, and you spun around quickly, running towards your bedroom and slamming the door shut.  You used the locks your husband had assured you were only a precaution, and fell to the ground - leaning against the surface of the portal. 

After a moment, Jungkook’s voice came from the other side.

“Y/N.” You didn’t say anything.  

“Y/N.  Please.  Open the door.”

The sobs started rolling through your body. 

“Y/N… Please.  Y/N please, let me talk to you.”

It was too late.

Too late.

You felt like you were collapsing in on yourself - like a dying star.

Violetta.

Violetta.

That was who he loved.  Not you.

Never you.

//