#i dunno i’m not really talented so i can really contribute anything

[idolsgf]

.

[stardustcrusader]

So I stopped at a Jack-in-the-Box on the way here and the girl said 'Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?' not 'How are you doing today?' but 'Are you having an awesome day?' Which is pretty shitty because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I'm not having an 'awesome day,' I'm suddenly the negative one. Usually when people ask me how I'm doing the real answer is I'm doing shitty, but I can't say I'm doing shitty because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say 'I'm doing shitty,' and they're like 'Why? What's wrong?' and I have to be like 'I dunno, all of it.' So instead when people ask me how I'm doing I say 'I am doing so great.' But when this girl in the Jack-in-the-Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought 'Well today, I'm actually allowed to feel shitty. Today I have a good reason.' So I said 'My mom died.' and she immediately burst into tears. So I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile there's a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these really judgey looks because I made the Jack-in-the-Box girl cry. And she's bawling and she's saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!' and I'm like, 'It's fine, it's fine. I mean it's not fine, but you know it's fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal and I've kinda got somewhere to be, so less with the crying and more with the frying, huh?' Then the girl apologizes again, and offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I'm leaving I think 'I just got a free churro because my mom died. No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.' [Throat clearing] Anyways, that's not part of the uh, okay, here we go. Let's do this. Here I am, Bojack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let's go." [...] "Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. She was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time she went to a parade. And one time she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale; I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman. Lived a full life, that lady, all the way to the end--which is uh, now, I guess. It really makes you think though, huh? Life, right? It goes by, stuff happens, then you die. Okay, well that's my time, tip your waitress. Nah, I'm just kidding around. There's no waitress, but that's all I have to say about my mother. No point in beating a dead horse, right? So [inhales] Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you're proud of me. Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother and I can just talk and talk without her asking me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No, you sure? I mean I don't wanna embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy. So, seriously if you want me to sit down and let someone else have a turn, knock once and I will not be offended. No? Your funeral. Sorry about the closed-casket by the way. She wanted an open-casket but, uh she's dead now, so who cares what she wanted. No, that sounds bad. [Stuttering] I'm sorry, but I-I think if she could've seen what she looked like dead she would've agreed it's better this way. I mean she looked like this. [Agonized expression] Kinda like a pissed off toy dinosaur. Coroner couldn't get her eyes closed so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish; or as my mom called it: Tuesday. Tuesday. My mom called it Tuesday. Hey mom, what'd you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy. [Clears throat] Here's a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh cool jacket I wanted to wear because I thought it made me look like Albert Brooks. For months I saved up for this jacket and when I finally had enough I went to the store and it was gone. They'd just sold it to someone else. So I went home and I told my mother and she said 'Let that be a lesson: that's the good that comes from wanting things.' She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault. But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket... and even though she didn't know how to say it, I knew that she loved me. Now that's a good story about my mother--it's not true. But it's a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it thinking 'That's the kind of story I wanna tell about my parents when they die.' But I don't have any stories like that. All I know about being good I learned from TV. And in TV flawed characters are always showing they care with these surprising grand gestures; and I think a part of me still believes that's what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn't enough. You need to be consistent. You need to be dependably good. You can't just screw everything up and take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend or solve a mystery and fly to Kansas. You need to do it everyday, which is so hard. When you're a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough. That even though your parents aren't what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment they might surprise you with something... wonderful. I kept waiting for that. The proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me, and cared about me, and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting. Hey Mom. Knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter. [Silence] My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing--hence the face. If you'd seen her, I swear to god, the only thing you'd be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression. I was in the hospital in those last moments and they were truly horrifying. Full of nonsensical screams and cries, but there was this one moment, this one instant of strange... calm. Where she looked in my direction and said 'I See You.' That's the last thing she said to me. 'I See You.' Not a statement of judgement or disappointment. Just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. 'Hello there. You are a person, and I see you.' Lemme tell ya, it's a weird thing to feel at fifty four years old that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It's an odd realization that that's the thing you've been missing; the only thing you've been wanting all along. To be seen. And it doesn't feel like a relief to finally be seen, it feels mean. Like 'Oh, turns out that you knew what I wanted and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.' I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy Hopper. About how I was needy, and a burden, and an embarrassment. All that I was ready for. I was not ready for 'I See You.' Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I'm giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn't about connection. Maybe it was a... maybe it was an 'I See You' like 'I SEE YOU' like 'You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.' That's more my mom's speed. Or... maybe she just literally meant 'I see you... You are an object that has entered my field of vision.' She was pretty out of it at the end there, so maybe it's dumb to try to attribute it to anything. Back in the 90's I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin' Around. Please hold your applause. And I remember one time a fan asked me 'Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup's missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?' And I didn't have the heart to like, 'No man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.' So instead I was like 'Yeah.' And maybe this is the coffee cup. Maybe we're dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says 'I See You.' it just means 'I see you.' Then again, maybe she wasn't even talking to me, because if I'm being honest, she wasn't really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I wanted to think she was talking to me. But honestly she was so far gone at that point who knows what she was seeing. Who're talking to, ma? Not saying, huh? Staying mum." [...] "Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago from injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like ‘Wait did you say he died in a duel?’ and ‘Who dies in a duel?’ The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided that he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor and he claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man. So he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter saying ‘anyone who didn’t like his book he would challenge to a duel.’ Anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night at a hotel. Well eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana who was about as batshit as he was and he took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d read the book and what he’d thought, but not looking where he was going, he tripped over an exposed root, fell, and bashed his head on a rock. I wish I’d known to go to Jack-in-the-Box then. Maybe could’ve gotten a free churro. Would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. Mind you, during my entire life I had never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said ‘My husband is dead and everything is worse now.’ ‘My husband is dead and everything is worse now.’ I dunno why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kinda thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped that one day someone would say that about her. My mother is dead and everything is worse now. Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance and replaced it with crippling debt. Which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. Bad news you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house. Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by ‘everything is worse now.’ Is that what you meant, Mom? I gotta say I’m really carrying this double-act. At least with Penn and Teller, at least the quiet one does card tricks.” [...] “What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One’s well-read and the other’s a huge bitch. Yeah might’ve gone a little too far with that one. That might’ve been too ‘huge bitch’ for the room. I’m sorry, Mother, you’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch... and now you’re dead. You know the first time I ever performed in front of an audience was actually with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make [inhales] she used to make me sing the lollipop song... And those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts and ethically insensitive vaudeville routines and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties and she did this incredible number and it was so beautiful... and sad. Dad hated those parties. He locked himself in the study and would bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He'd linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe as this cynical, despicable woman he married took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace--it meant something. We understood each other in a way; me and my mom and my dad. As screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it's like to feel your entire life like you're drowning with the exception of these moments. These very rare, brief instances in which you suddenly remember you can swim. But then again, mostly not. Mostly you're drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it, too... and Dad. All three of us were drowning and we didn't know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that's what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said 'I See You.' You know the weird thing about both your parents being dead is that it means you're next. I mean, it's not like there's a waitlist for dying; any one of us could be run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment and you'd think that knowing that would make us more adventurous and kind and forgiving, but it makes us small and stupid and petty. I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I'm an actor. I do my own stunts. I work on this show Philbert. I'm Philbert. It hasn't come out yet, but it's getting heavy buzz. And, oh, speaking of buzz I'm supposed to take two of these every morning, but my mornings are so screwed up because of the shooting schedule I don't even know what mornings mean anymore. There's a joke in there about a guy who's been to so many funerals he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure out what that one means for yourselves. Anyway, wanna know what I thought when I was falling off that building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died: 'Won't they be sorry.' Cool thought, brain." [...] "I don't even know what 'they' I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was, and of course, my dad's dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him from all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe he didn't. Dunno. Never read it--'cause why would I give him that? I used to be on this TV show Horsin' Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause. Well held. It was written by my friend, Herb Kazzaz, who's also dead now, and this little girl named Sarah Lynn, and it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note: 'Maybe don't mention they're orphans so much, since audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.' But I never thought the orphans were sad, I always thought they were lucky because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for. Anyway, we did this one season finale when Olivia's birth mother comes to town and she was a junkie, but she's gotten herself cleaned up and she wants to be in Olivia's life again. And of course, she's just like a perfect, grown-up version of Olivia and they go to the mall and get her ears pierced like she's always wanted and--sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin' Around if you're still... working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her 'Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.' But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous. When the mom says she's moving the California, Olivia decides to go with her--and the network really juiced the cliffhanger. Is Olivia gone for good? But, of course, it's a TV show; she's not gone for good. But, of course, it's a TV show; Olivia's mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home--getting rides from Mr. T, Malf, and the cast of Snop. Because of course that's what happened. What're you gonna do? Not have Olivia on the show? You can't have happy endings in sitcoms--not really--because then the show would be over and above all else the show has to keep going. There's always more show. And you can call Horsin' Around dumb or bad or unrealistic but there's nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending because there's always more show. I guess until there isn't. My mom would hate it if she knew I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show, or maybe she'd think it was funny that her idiot son couldn't even do this right; who knows. She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is that she wanted an open casket and that her idiot son couldn't even do that right. I'm not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever knew how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me. 'I See You.' 'I. C. U.' Jesus Christ. We were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro. You know the shittiest thing about all this? Is when that stranger behind the counter that gave me that free churro is that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me in her entire god damn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack-in-the-Box didn't even know me. I'm your son. All I had was you. [Inhales.] I had this friend and right around when I first met her, her dad died and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later she told me she didn't understand why she was still upset because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me because I went through the same thing when my dad died and I'm going through the same thing now. You know what it's like? It's like that show Becker. You know, with Ted Dansen? I watched the entire run of that show hoping it would get better and it never did. It had all the right pieces but it just--it couldn't put them together and when it got cancelled I was really bummed out. Not because I liked the show but because I knew it could be so much better and now it never would be and that's... what losing a parent is like. It's like Becker. Suddenly you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you--the stupidest goddamn part of you--was still holding onto that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. My mother is dead and everything is worse now. Because now I know I'll never have a mother who looks at me from across the room and says 'Bojack Horseman, I see you.' But I guess it's good to know. Good to know that there is nobody looking out for me. That there never was. That there never will be. So, it's good to know that I'm the only one I can depend on. And I know that now and it's good. It's good that I know that. So. It's good my mother's dead. Well, no point in beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938 and died in 2018 and I have no idea what she wanted... Unless she just wanted what we all want. To be seen.

-- Bojack Horseman, Season 5 Episode 6 "Free Churro"

[queen-scribbles]

Everything In Between

Recovery is a process, and it’s rarely an easy one. A good support system helps, and progress is progress, even when it’s measured in inches. 

Since AO3 is under siege I’ll go ahead and post the tumblr version of my @mebigbang​ story; Emily Shepard/Kaidan Alenko Post-Destroy ending, rated T, 19k words with art from @captainderyn​ you can find here. (I know tumblr isn’t optimal for reading something so long. There will be an AO3 version soon as the site’s working again. I just wanted to get it posted since Deryn shared her wonderful art ^^)

---

The landscape racing by outside the shuttle’s windows was by turns untouched and a jumble of cratered earth or building wreckage. It was dizzying and all but impossible to keep up with the switches back and forth. 

Still, it was better than staring at the pristine, manicured grounds of the rehab center another day. Beautiful as they had been, it got very boring to see the same limited surroundings for three months.

Dull pain flared at the small of her back, and Emily shifted to ease it. The movement jolted Kaidan from his thought and he turned much as the cab’s restraints would allow to shoot her a concerned look.

“You alright, Shepard?” he asked, reaching a hand over toward her.

Emily nodded as she intertwined her fingers with his. “Just a little ache. Dr. Ahn warned that might be a problem sometimes as the nerves heal. It’s gone now, must’ve just been the way I was sitting.”

He studied her for a prolonged moment before squeezing her hand. “Just so you know, Em, while you’re living under the Alenko family roof, you have carte-blanche to complain when things hurt. Or ache, or itch, or anything. I know a lot of people have admired your perseverance and strength--hell, I’m one of them. But you don’t have to just... power through this.”

“You’re sweet, Kay,” Emily smiled and cautiously leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. Nothing protested the move, which was a good sign. “But it really was just a twinge. Too long in one position, I guess.”

“Not saying it wasn’t, just letting you know that when it isn’t just a twinge you can be honest.”

“You want me to whine at you, Alenko?” she teased.

“If that’s what you wanna call it,” he replied with a shrug and a smile that made her heart flutter like a teenager on a first date. “I’m a big boy, I can handle it.”

“Good to know,” Emily said with an answering smile. They lapsed into silence for a few moments, and she watched more landscape pass them by before speaking up again. “You sure your mom-”

“Mom has been in her element getting things ready for you to move in when the Bailey Center discharged you. She loves cooking, she loves hosting, and she loves you.” Kaidan laughed. “She’s overjoyed at the thought. Just be prepared for her to interrogate you about yourself, our relationship, and probably a few things about me she doesn’t think I’ll answer honestly.”

“Are we talking ‘how often you get migraines’ type not honest or ‘downplaying your talent and contributions’?”

“Both, probably,” he sighed, but a faint smile tugged his lips.

“Consider me warned,” Emily said. “It’ll be nice to talk to someone who’ll truly appreciate when I sing your praises.” She grinned. “With the added bonus of being able to ask for baby stories.”

Kaidan gave an exaggerated groan. “Oh, c’mon, Shepard.”

“Hey, you have my mom’s contact details, you’re free to retaliate in kind,” she pointed out, laughing.

“Really? You won’t mind?” He arched a skeptical brow. “And she’s not too busy?”

“No to both. Even if she is busy with... everything” --a vague wave at the Reaper aftermath out the window, thoughts straying to her mother and Garrus’ efforts to track down the Normandy-- “she’ll make time to talk to you, babe. New audience for baby stories. And I dunno, I like the idea of you hearing ‘bout all that. Even the embarrassing ones, like when I got bit by a snake and screamed my head off the whole way to the hospital.”

“You already told me that one, remember?”

“Oh, right,” she chuckled. “Mom’ll have to pick a different embarrassing eight year old story to tell you.”

“Looking forward to hearing it,” Kaidan teased. “’Specially since I’m sure my mom will think of at least a few to share with you.”

“Looking forward to it,” Emily echoed with a smile as the cab started to slow. Relief fluttered at the sign they were almost there; her back was starting to cramp. Her gaze flicked out the window to a massive house set at least a half mile back from the road on what had to be a couple acres. “Good grief, Kay, is that-?”

Kaidan followed her gaze. “Oh, no, that’s not us.” A few beats passed as the cab kept moving, then he pointed out the opposite window. “That one’s us.”

The rancher was set closer to the road, only slightly smaller than the one Emily had indicated, and--in her opinion--much nicer. It was designed in a rustic, classic Earth style that would have looked just as at home nestled in the woods or on a mountainside as it did here. The stacked stone exterior was largely shades of grey, though an occasional smear of light or reddish-brown did appear. Cheerful brick red shutters flanked the two windows, though clearly decorative as one of the windows faced out over the covered, wrap-around porch. The walkway up was large, well-set flagstone, edged with simple but very pretty tiered garden beds. 

Of course, the tall woman with grey streaked hair and an infectious grin waiting on the porch was a bit of a distraction from examining the house, gorgeous as it was.

Emily laughed and nudged Kaidan with her elbow. “I think you’re right; she’s just a little excited about this.”

He chuckled at the grin on his mother’s face as the cab came to a stop.  “Ready?”

“Mm-hm,” she nodded, biting back another laugh.

Kaidan climbed out of the cab, waved to his mother as she started making her way out, and retrieved Emily’s wheelchair before circling to her side of the cab.

She was, as promised, ready for him; restraints undone and already extending an arm for him to help her out of the seat. The transfer was a bit more awkward from a vehicle than a hospital bed, but they still managed it without Shepard banging her head, so she was satisfied.

Kaidan’s mom waited, hands in her pockets and grin still tugging her lips, while they settled with the driver. “Glad to see you made it safely, didn’t get caught in any red tape.”

Emily laughed. “No, it was surprisingly smooth. I think their waiting list for beds is long enough they have the discharge process ironed out better than a dress uniform. Don’t want anything getting screwed up and causing delays.” She held out an arm to invite the hug she knew the other woman wanted to give. “It’s good to see you, Rae.” The last few days of getting ready to move here had meant a lapse in their usual visits.

“You, too, Emily.” Rae bent to give her a warm hug. “Harmony’s inside. I think she wore herself out running around to smell everything.” She chuckled and patted her hair as she straightened. “Never seen a dog’s tail wag that hard before. She decided the house was safe and curled up in Tom’s favorite chair for a nap.”

Emily winced apologetically. “We can keep her off the furniture-” She is a therapy dog, not a pet. Just used to sleeping on the bed when Emily’s nightmares got bad.

“No, it’s fine. She’s keeping warm for him,” Rae said, waving a hand in a dismissive reassurance, slight catch her voice.

“Thanks for taking care of her, Mom,” Kaidan interjected, stepping forward to hug her as well to distract from the looming specter of his missing father. “Would have been a bit cramped to bring her with us.”

“No problem, honey.” Rae returned the hug tightly. “Been too long since we had a dog in the house.”

“You used to have dogs?” Emily asked as they parted and the three of them started for the house, Kaidan skillfully maneuvering her wheelchair along the curved walkway. There wasn’t so much as a rattle to the wheels from the flagstone, they were set so smoothly. And Emily clocked the newness of the ramp covering the low steps up onto the porch itself.

“Not at this house, but for a while, yes. The company was nice with Tom deployed and this one at... training.” Rae tapped Kaidan shoulder.

Emily didn’t comment on the pause, even as her thoughts instinctively filled in BAaT. “Glad Mo’s behaving for you,” she said instead.

“It would have been a handful to manage her and Emily and the bags,” Kaidan agreed. “And this way she got to familiarize herself with the environment before we arrived.”

“Oh, she’s very familiar,” Rae said with a laugh. “But I’m sure she’ll still be happy to see you.”

Her prediction proved correct; the rust and cream Australian shepherd lifted her head and barked as soon as they entered, scrambling down to come greet Emily.

“Hey, girl,” Emily crooned. “I hear you approve of this place. She tipped her head back to look at Kaidan. “Which is good, because I definitely like what I’ve seen so far.”

“Is that an unsubtle hint you’d like a tour?” Kaidan asked with a chuckle.

“I’ll start working on dinner while you two take care of that and settle in,” Rae said, peeling off  to the side. “It’ll be good having you around, Emily.”

“Obviously, that way’s the kitchen,” Kaidan said, slightly deadpan. “But we’ll let Mom work while I show you the rest.”

“She likes to cook?” Emily asked as the muffled clatter of kitchen paraphernalia reached them and she caught a glimpse of Rae shuffling dishes.

“Loves it,” he confirmed. “She’s the one who taught me. Basics at least.” He pushed the chair forward. “She’ll appreciate a chance to get things going before we roll through, so we’ll save that for last.”

“I get that,” Emily nodded. “Meal prep looks more impressive once you’re really involved opposed to at the beginning. Nice living room,” she commented, looking around. He’d told her the house was spacious and hadn’t been exaggerating. The living room alone was almost as big as some of the housing she’d stayed in as a navy brat. A couple couches and almost half dozen armchairs--all very comfortable looking--were spread throughout the room. A couple sets were grouped together for intimate conversation, but all had enough space around to be easily accessible. It made her wonder if there’d been some rearranging once they’d agreed she would live here after the Bailey Center discharged her. But she kept that thought to herself and admired the large bay windows and skylights that made the room seem even more open than it already was.  “Amazing view,” she said, catching a glimpse out one of the windows.

“Wait til you watch a sunrise or sunset, it gets better,” Kaidan said with obvious pride in his voice.

They reached the far end of the living room and started down the hallway. It was wide enough--Emily noted with relief--for another person to squeeze by her wheelchair, so she wouldn’t block things up for Kaidan or Rae if she was having trouble. This part of the tour went quickly; four bedrooms counting the master suite, three bathrooms, a home office at the end of the hall. There were doors from both the office and the living room that opened onto a deck which spread between them and continued around the outer corner of the living room to join the front porch. It granted a full view of the sprawling orchard and the sky that allegedly produced gorgeous sunrises. Light filtered in through the hall windows, adding to the open feel of the house. The decorations were understated, cozy, and it instantly made Emily feel at home.

She eyed the office door that led to the deck. “Could I get a better look at that view? Before your mom wows us with dinner?”

Kaidan laughed. “Sure.” A couple taps at a waist high keypad and the door slid open. Emily propelled herself out, Kaidan following close behind.

“That is just...” She couldn’t even find a word that did the beauty of it justice. And it was near-untouched by the Reaper forces; a minor miracle, in her opinion. Only a few deep-scored lines across distant fields and one demolished silo on a neighbor’s property evidenced the destruction that rocked the rest of the globe. Maybe thanks to be a good distance from population centers, maybe for some other reason only the Reapers knew that was now lost with them. “Wow.” Emily cocked her head to look up at him. “You grew up here?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Nah. It was still my grandparents’ place at that point, so I got to visit, but we didn’t live here. They passed ownership to Dad when he retired. I’ve gotten to spend more time here as an adult than a kid, which just means enjoying it differently.” He rubbed the back of his neck, just below his implant, then flashed a smile. “Didn’t appreciate the sunrises as much back then, that’s for sure.”

“You’re setting a real high bar for them to live up to, Kay,” Emily teased, maneuvering closer to the railing 

“And they will,” he laughed back, leaning with his forearms braced against the rail beside her. “With a few off days, maybe, but for the most part.”

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, both enjoying the view, the quiet, the company, until Emily’s omnitool beeped. 

She pulled herself from thoughts of how much she loved this place already and how settled Kaidan looked with a sigh as she called up the display.

“Everything alright?” Kaidan asked, turning to brace his hip against the rail.

“Yeah.” She skimmed the message. “The confirmation for my PT schedule set-up.” Chewed her lower lip. “Physical therapy sessions on Tuesdays and Fridays at ten with Laura, since she’s been my tech from the beginning of my time there. Every other Wednesday check up with Dr. Ahn for the next few months--time slot for that might shift a little-- to monitor my progress, then those can be less frequent.” She wrinkled her nose as she closed down the omnitool. “Assuming I’m making enough progress, I guess.”

“You will be,” Kaidan said with casual confidence she wished she shared. “You want to see your room before we make our way to the kitchen for dinner?”

“You mean I’m not bunking with you?” Emily teased. “Not sure how I should take that, babe.”

Kaidan chuckled and deadpanned, ”Mom didn’t want to presume,” even as his eyes twinkled.

A snort of answering laughter bubbled in her chest. “You mean the same woman who asked if I wanted to skip straight to calling her Mom the first time we met?”

He was grinning as he helped her navigate back inside and closed the door. “It’s also the only bedroom aside from the master suite with an attached bathroom. We figured that would be easier for you.” He bent and kissed the top of her head. “Nothing stopping us from sharing a bed, though.”

“Good point.”

The room was nice; sparse on furniture to minimize obstacles, windows onto another gorgeous view, hardwood floors with one firmly anchored area rug. The bed looked extremely comfortable, especially compared to the hospital one Emily had been occupying until today. She almost couldn’t wait to go to bed, but the smell of dinner wafting down the hall was too tempting to skip.

Mo hopped on the bed between the pillows, expecting sleep to be the course of action. 

Emily laughed and snapped her fingers. “Dinner first, girl.”

Mo jumped down with a small whine and followed them out to the kitchen, then curled up under the table while Emily and Kaidan chatted with Rae and dinner finished cooking.

This was going to be the one tricky room to navigate, Emily noticed. The island in the middle of the cooking portion made the turns tight and didn’t leave a lot of clearance for her chair. She could make it work, but it would take more focus than the rest of the house.

Not like I’ll be cooking at all, she thought glibly, sharing the house with two people who are actually good at it.

Bearing that out, dinner was delicious, and very relaxing, and they chatted for a while longer before Emily was tired enough to turn in. Kaidan helped her get changed, do the stretches her physical therapist had recommended for at home, and get situated in bed.

He kissed her forehead as he helped arrange the blankets how she wanted them. “Sweet dreams, Em.”

She smiled at the sentiment hiding behind the light-hearted comment and caught the collar of his t-shirt before he could move away. “Cute.” She pulled him in for a full kiss, her hand curving the back of his neck as his fingers slid into her hair. “And sweet,” she added when he pulled back. “My favorite combination.” Her thumb rubbed softly against the corner of his jaw and she offered a mischievous smile. “You wanna sleep over tonight?”

Kaidan laughed and rested his forehead to hers. “Sounds good to me. Let me help Mom clean up dinner” --stole another quick kiss--”and I’ll be back.”

“It’s a deal.” Emily pulled him in for one more kiss before letting go, turning her attention to Mo as Kaidan left the room. The dog had settled in along the side of Emily’s leg, her head resting on Emily’s hip. “You think I’ll manage to stay awake til he gets back?” she asked through a yawn. Worn out by a shuttle ride and dinner, oh how the mighty have fallen. She knew Kaidan would chastise her for that line of thought; she was recovering from serious injuries and nowhere near a hundred percent yet. Of course things were going to be more draining right now, and that was okay. Now if she could just believe it as easily as she could hear him reminding her of it.

Mo huffed, her tail lightly slapping against Emily’s ankles. She almost thought she felt the contact, which would have been some very encouraging progress, but it was probably wishful thinking. Even with how much the nerve damage had healed, most days at PT were fifty-fifty if she’d feel Laura’s hand on her leg even without clothing in the way. It was highly unlikely she’d felt her dog’s tail through a blanket.

Would be nice, she thought as she leaned back and grabbed a datapad novel from the nightstand, trying once more to curl her toes and once more unsure of her success. Someday, she promised herself.

Hopefully someday soon, but much like the reconstruction they’d passed, it would take the time it took. For now she’d pet her dog, read her book, and try to stay awake until Kaidan came back.

---

Dinner was already half cleaned up by the time Kaidan reached the kitchen.

“Mom, I was gonna help with that,” he protested, gently but forcefully taking the pots she held and heading for the sink.

“You don’t have to. You’ve done a lot helping Emily get settled, and I know today was a lot for you. Both of you,” she emphasized before he could wave it away. With him stationed at the sink, she returned to sealing containers of leftover food to put away. “How’s she doing?”

“More good than bad,” Kaidan said. The hot water prickled against his knuckles as he filled the pots and reached for a dishcloth. “It helps that both the doctor and physical therapist have said things look promising for recovery to continue and she’s making good progress. Considering.” Considering she almost died. Again. Considering I found her buried under what felt like half the Citadel.

“Mm. You know those can go in the washer, hon,” his mother pointed out, tipping her head toward the soapy-water filled pots.

He shrugged, already cleaning. “I like the hands-on approach.”

She leaned against the island and watched him for a long moment. “And how are you doing?”

“Me?” He arched a brow as he glanced at her. “I’m fine, Mom.” It wasn’t even a half-truth; it had been almost a week since his last migraine, and while he was maybe a little short on sleep from the final rush to get things worked out for Shepard moving in, it was nothing a few days sleeping in couldn’t cure.

“I know you, Kaidan,” his mom said with a soft laugh, “You throw yourself into whatever you do. Especially if it involves helping people.” She came to lean against the counter by the sink. “Extra especially if it involves someone you care about. I know you love Emily, and I’m happy to have her here.”

“But?” Kaidan prompted, setting one clean pot aside for drying so he could start on the other.

“Less a but, more an and,” she said wryly, grabbing a towel to dry the clean pot. “And I’m happy to help where I can. And I’m sure Emily would want you to take care of yourself, too. And we’ll gang up on you if we think you’re pushing to close to burnout.” She grinned. “I have a feeling she knows the signs even better than I do.”

“You’d be right there.” He finished with the second pot and passed it to her for drying. “She’s also very... persistent about making sure I take care of myself.”

“Good. I knew there was a reason I liked her,” she said cheerfully. She finished drying the pots in faux innocent silence.

Kaidan waited her out, wondering with amusement how long they could push it. 

Only until both pots were returned to their hooks, apparently. “So, when are you planning to propose?”

“Mom!”

“Kaidan,” she returned, not at all deterred by his tone. “I see the way you look at each other. The way you interact. I know you love her and she loves you.” Her expression sobered. “And I know what losing her once did to you. Can’t see you wasting a second chance.”

He tipped his head in acknowledgement, a cold shiver running through him as he tried not to dwell on how close he’d come to losing her again, the days spent digging through wreckage as hope dwindled and desperation grew. “I don’t plan to.”

“So when...?”

“Not sure,” Kaidan admitted, rinsing some plates before loading them in the washer. “I wanna make sure she’s happy here, see how therapy’s going...” He huffed a laugh. “I don’t even have a ring yet.”

“You don’t?!”

“We were a little busy, Mom!” he laughed, flicking water in her direction. “Not a lot of time for ring shopping when you’re saving the galaxy from annihilation.”

She chuckled and flicked him back with the dish towel. “Alright, fair. I’ll have to find a couple days in my schedule to ‘give you a break’ so you can go ring shopping.”

“Em likes you already, Mom, I’m sure she’d enjoy spending time without you being underhanded,” Kaidan teased. He caught the towel when she tried to flick him again and dried his hands. “But I will take you up on that. Thanks.” Not that he ever thought he’d need a break from Emily, but it was the best cover he’d get to go pick out a ring.

“Not a problem, honey.” She smiled wistfully, running her thumb back and forth over her wedding band. “You two are good together, I’ll happily contribute to you having what your father and I do.”

They’d been ignoring that elephant in the room all day; might as well ask. “Heard anything yet?”

She shook her head, cleared her throat. “Nothing solid yet. Nothing promising, either. His unit was in an area that got hit real hard, and it’ll take them a while to sort out dead, injured, the un-ID’ed  of either. And the comms are out, so until that’s fixed it’s a long delay on hearing news even after the ground forces know.” She let out a slow breath, and her eyes were shiny when she looked at him.  “They’re still presuming KIA, and it’s very tempting to just... go along with it. Believe the worst at this point. Just for a sense of closure. But I’ve chosen optimism and I plan to keep hoping until someone gives me a solid reason I shouldn’t.”

“I know that feeling,” Kaidan  muttered, pulling her into a hug.

“Better than you’d ever want to, I suspect,” his mother chuckled. He pretended he didn’t hear it wobble. “So you know I’ll appreciate the distraction of distracting Emily.”

He nodded. “Mm-hm.”

She squeezed his arm as she stepped back. “Thanks for the help.”

“No problem, Mom,” Kaidan said with a smile, and headed off to bed.

Emily was, as expected, asleep when he got there. He moved the datapad she’d been reading back to the nightstand and nudged Mo just a little to make room. Emily mumbled in her sleep and burrowed close against his side the second he climbed in bed, which made him smile as he drifted off.

---

Emily’s therapy schedule meant she had another day to settle in and relax before she had to go back for a session. She took full advantage; practicing how to navigate the halls, rooms, and out on the deck as independently as possible. She didn’t want Kaidan feeling like he needed to hover. He could say he didn’t mind all he wanted, mean it with all his heart. She wanted some measure of independence in her current circumstances, and, realistically, no matter how good the last week had been, he would get slammed by a migraine eventually. It was just a fact of life. Emily both needed and wanted to be able to at least mostly handle herself on such a day. She was fine accepting help, very aware of her limitations, but wanted to maintain some self-reliance. She also didn’t want Kaidan feeling guilty he couldn’t help her on top of a migraine that would have him curled up with his head under a pillow in a dark room.

There was also plenty of time to relax, chatting with Rae, sitting on the couch with Mo, or the deck with both Kaidan and his mother. He promised to show her more of the orchard when they had the chance, and Emily was happy to say she’d hold him to that.

It had her in a very good, very calm frame of mind when they went to her PT session the next day. Kaidan seemed in a good mood as well as the two of them lingered over morning coffee and got ready for the day.

It was when he laced his fingers between hers in the cab that she finally said something. “You’re in a good mood.”

“Had a good night’s sleep and got to share it with you,” Kaidan said. He hummed a small laugh. “I’ve missed that the past couple months.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Emily said, squeezing his hand. Hospitals and rehab centers weren’t known for letting loved ones share a bed with their patients. Even for galactic heroes. Part of her knew it was probably just a bubble that would burst sooner or later , but it almost seemed having him next to her helped ward off nightmares. She enjoyed it regardless. “I’d gotten real accustomed to havin’ you to snuggle.”

He smiled. “And I’m real used to being snuggled.” Something out the window caught his eye. “Oh, they’ve made good progress...” Emily arched a brow and he explained, “There’s a memorial, pretty big deal, that took a lot of damage from the Reapers. They’re repairing it, but it was pretty messed up and it’s been slow going. We took a different route out to the orchard the other day, so it’s been a while since I’ve seen their progress.”

Their conversation turned to various bits of clean up and reconstruction they could see for the rest of the ride. The topic took Emily’s thoughts to her own ‘reconstruction’ and she almost asked Kaidan’s opinion on that, as well. Everyone--Laura, Dr. Ahn, the nurses, even Garrus and Kaidan himself--tended to focus on ‘the prognosis is good and you’re making progress’ as a response when the subject came up. Different words sometimes, but same message. She understood the desire for optimism, and had even repeated the same mantra to herself and others. But she’d really like some naked honesty from Kaidan, at least. Maybe she’d ask when they got home.

Emily’s omnitool pinged just as they arrived, and she pulled up the alert while Kaidan pushed her inside the building. She frowned and quickly dismissed it after a glance, but Kaidan must’ve still picked up on the shift in her mood.

“What?” he asked, slowing by the reception desk to check in.

“Journalist wants an interview. I’ll have to think of a polite but firm way to say no after PT.”

“If they start bugging you too much, we can always put up privacy blockers.”

“Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to make people jump through hoops to get in touch with me, but if the vultures are already circling...”

“Next will be the talk show hosts,” Kaidan joked. “You know you’re a big deal, sweetheart.”

“I don’t wanna be,” Emily grumbled as they headed down the hall. “I’m just... me.”

“Shouldn’t’ve saved the galaxy, then,” he deadpanned. “That’s a real attention grabber. But I’ll help fend off the vultures, don’t worry.”

“My hero,” she said lightly, reaching back to pat his hand. 

Laura was waiting when they reached the therapy room, studying something on a datapad. She looked up at their approach and smiled. “Hi, Emily, good to see you. And you, Kaidan. Everything go well with moving out?”

“So far, so good,” Emily confirmed with a nod. “Still new, but definitely a good arrangement.”

“Good to hear,” Laura said. She briefly raised the datapad. “I was just reviewing your latest scans to see if I need to tweak our regimen any. They look good,” she added, before either could ask. “The swelling around the L-3 vertebrae is just about gone. The venous plexus is taking longer to heal, which tracks with what they recorded at the hospital, but it’s also progressing. I did note some signs of muscle atrophy in your thighs, so we’ll have to do some more intensive upper leg work to stave that off.”

Emily nodded even as she fought off a grimace. The lower leg home exercises were markedly easier--she could even manage some solo--so it made sense her upper legs would be at higher risk for atrophy. This was where the annoying part of her recovery would come into play--while movement was taking longer to return, she was definitely getting the feeling back in her legs. She’d be acutely aware of every painful stretch, every muscle ache, and still the best she could do was curl her toes. “I assume that’ll mean a change to the home exercises, too?”

“Yep. At the rate you’re healing, we might be able to start working on weight bearing in a month or so, but only if we keep the atrophy at bay.” Laura set aside the datapad and cracked her knuckles as she stood. “Let’s get started, yeah? I’ll explain the new stuff as we go.”

---

By the time they finished, Emily was sweaty, tired, and sore. But she could feel being sore, and that was an improvement. Kaidan helped her shower when they got home and she promptly took a nap on the couch, one hand trailing down to scratch Mo’s ears as she lay on the floor next to her.

It was, unfortunately, a nightmare that woke her, rather than Kaidan, Rae, or just being rested. One of the usual ones; stuck in quicksand and moving horrifically slow as a Reaper’s laser tracked toward a group of fleeing civilians(sometimes it was her friends, this one spared her that). Her biotics spent, her gun out of thermal clips or overheated or damaged, and nothing she could do but watch.

She jolted awake with blue crackling around her hands and her knee jerked up just as a nearby presence registered.

“I’ve got you,” Kaidan murmured, hands on her shoulders to steady her. He didn’t say anything, but she could see it in his eyes. So much for those going away, huh?

That had always been wishful thinking and they both knew it. Emily took several deep breaths, leaning into his chest as she struggled to get her heart to slow. Mo headbutted her hand with a soft whine, eager to offer comfort in distress.

Between the two of them, the parallel and repetition of Kaidan rubbing her back as she petted Mo’s head, her spiking adrenaline faded. “Really wish moments of abject desperation and terror weren’t the only time I got more mobility,” she croaked into Kaidan’s shirt.

“You’ll get there,” he murmured, kissing her head. “I’ll help.”

Emily sat back to give him a shaky smile. “I know. I was just... a few night without the dreams had my hopes up. Guess that was too optimistic, huh?”

“No harm in optimism,” Kaidan said, shifting his perch on the edge of the couch and letting his hand trail down her arm so he could give Mo scritches as well. 

“But we also need to be realistic,” she countered, running her fingers through her hair. “Even best case, it’ll be at least a year to work through the physical stuff. And the... nightmares an’ all will likely be longer, prob’ly permanent. I need to learn how to deal with them rather than just hoping they’ll go away entirely. Less frequent is probably the best I’m gonna get.”

Kaidan was quiet a long moment, chewing his lower lip in a way that made her think he wanted to disagree. “We’ll have to wait and see, I guess,” was all he said. “Hope for the best, plan for the worst, isn’t that the saying?”

Emily snorted, gaze drifting out the window.”...Yeah.”

---

Her visit with Dr. Ahn followed the same pattern as seeing Laura; ‘The swelling’s gone down, you’re doing well, here’s things to watch out for, I’ll see you next time’. There was, at least, no nightmare after that one. Even if the appointment felt very boilerplate. 

There was another interview request--different journalist--waiting when she was done. She declined it just as swiftly and graciously as the first and didn’t even mention it to Kaidan.

They started settling into a routine; morning coffee with Rae and sometimes Kaidan, the aroma always a help starting her day even when it wasn’t soothing nightmares into normalcy, PT and doctor’s visits on their allotted days, batting away interview or talk show appearance requests that only seemed to increase in frequency, all-too-occasional nightmares or PTSD episodes.

They made it two weeks after Emily moved in before Kaidan had a knockout-level migraine.

She’d been almost expecting it--much like bracing for her nightmares, they didn’t tend to stay away this long. Almost a whole month free of them was a damn miracle, and he’d had a few severe headaches over the past week. (He’d tried to be subtle about popping aspirin, but she still caught it.) She wondered if he’d been bracing for it, too.

He’d opted to sleep in his own bed the night before it hit. He’d only done that twice aboard the SR-2; slept in his quarters rather than her cabin. Both times had been horrendous migraine flare-ups.

Emily was glad she’d practiced moving to her wheelchair on her own. It was a clumsy process, and she banged her knee and almost fell midway through, but she managed.  She maneuvered into the hall and stopped by his room on the way to the kitchen to poke her head in.

“Kay?” she stage-whispered, and winced when his head emerged from under the pillow. Not a good sign. “How bad?”

“Twelve,” he mumbled, rubbing his temples.

Oh, hell. That was when she noticed Mo curled up next to him on the bed, as if she knew he’d need the support more than Emily today.

Kaidan shifted, rolling over and starting to sit up. “Did you need-”

“Don’t you dare, Alenko,” she hissed, struggling to keep her voice low but emphatic as she wheeled partway into the room to glare at him, even if he wouldn’t be able to see it with the lights off. “You take care of you today, I’ll be fine.” And if she wasn’t, between Mo and Rae, she’d get there.

It was a true sign of the severity that he didn’t even offer a token protest, just flopped back on the bed with one arm over his eyes.

“I’ll bring you more water,” she said softly. He’d eventually need it, no matter how full the bedside glass was now. “And do you want a hot or cold pack?”

“Cold.”

She left, bumping the door controls to cut down on light from the hallway.

Rae was leaning against the counter, nursing a mug of coffee and watching something out the window. “Woodpecker’s very interested in the tree out front,” she said, half-turning at the sound of approach. “There’s more coffee in the carafe if you want some.”

The toffee-laced aroma was extremely tempting but, “In a minute, thanks,” Emily said as she carefully navigated to the fridge. “I need to get a couple things for Kaidan first; he has a pretty bad migraine.”

“Ah.” Rae set down her coffee. “What did you need?”

“Ice pack and big water bottle.” Emily backed out of the way.

Rae nodded and retrieved the necessary items. She hesitated as she wrapped a towel around the ice pack. “Emily, were... did he get these when he was working with you?”

“Yeah.” There wasn’t really a point to lying, and she deserved to know. “Not often this bad, at least not that he let show, but there were some rough days.”

“He does tend to downplay them, doesn’t he?” Rae snorted softly, setting down the wrapped ice pack and filling a water bottle.

“Annoying habit, when you care about him, even if I get why,” Emily said wryly.  “He will tell me if I ask, but I think he sees... pushing through as the trade off for getting off with ‘only’“ --she couldn’t hide the sarcasm--”migraines.”

Rae made a face. “I wish he didn’t.” She sighed. “Want me to take him these so you can get your coffee?”

Emily shook her head. “I don’t mind, and it almost feels fair trade, much as he does for me.”

“You know he-”

“Doesn’t expect things like this, I know.” She nodded, running her fingers through her hair. “I'm doing it less for that and more because I love him, and I hate seeing him suffer like this.”

When I can’t do anything to make it stop. Commander Shepard, Hero of Elysium, savior of the galaxy and solver of humanity’s problems, couldn’t make her boyfriend’s migraines go away. Of course, she couldn’t walk right now, either, so...

“I understand,” Rae said, tipping her head in commiseration. She stepped aside. “I’ll let you get those back to him.”

“Thanks. I’ll be back for some of that coffee.” Emily headed back to the bedroom. Her heart twisted when he didn’t so much as twitch at the door sliding open. “Kay? I got what you asked for, babe,” she murmured, cautiously moving into the room. They’d been sleeping in hers, as it was more open and easier to navigate. She didn’t know his as well.

Kaidan made a soft noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan. “...Thanks.” He shifted out from under the pillow to take the ice pack. 

“Let us know if you need anything else, okay?” she said softly, setting the water bottle on the bedside table. “Unless you want me to stay and cuddle?”

“Maybe later...” he mumbled and Emily wrinkled her nose in sympathy.

“Alright, I won’t be far.” She leaned over to kiss his forehead and left the room.

---

It took most of the day before the migraine receded enough he could at least soft-of think straight. In that slow, muzzy, walking-against-the-wind-through-molasses sense that always followed a bad one.

And the first conscious thought he had was he could hear a heartbeat. For a moment, Kaidan thought it was his own, pounding in his ears, and things were going to get bad again. But no, it was the muffled comfort of someone else’s heartbeat.

Someone else, of course, being Emily, her thumb rubbing repetitive--and very comforting--circles around the edge of his shoulder blade. He felt more than heard her breath catch when he shifted.

“Hey, sailor,” she said quietly.

“mm,” Kaidan hummed in response. “How long’ve you...?”

“An hour.” Her free hand combed through his hair, pausing briefly to massage just below his implant before coming to a rest halfway down his back. “Maybe two.”

He was laying on her chest, it finally sank in. The background tingle of her biotics brushing his felt good. “Mmm. Thanks.”

“Of course.” Her thumb continued those wonderful relaxing circles on his shoulder blade. “This was a bad one.” A beat. “Really bad.”

Even in his fugue, Kaidan caught the worry in her voice and shifted clumsily to rub her arm in comfort. “...The bad ones’ve been worse since Mars,” he admitted in a mumble against her shirt.

Emily’s breath caught sharp. “I did wonder...” she murmured. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You had ‘nuff on your plate w’thout worrying about me.”

She huffed a disbelieving laugh. “To Chakwas, you wonderful idiot. Or, I dunno, someone. Garrus, Tali-”

“Did tell Chakwas, others would tell you. Defeats the purpose.”

She sighed in fond--he hoped, anyway--exasperation. “Kaidan...” She paused and let whatever she was about to say die as she ran her fingers through his hair again. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.” He pressed a half-conscious kiss to her stomach through her shirt and they settled into comfortable silence as he waited to see if the migraine would continue to fade.

---

It took another hour or so before the migraine cleared enough for Kaidan to sit up. Emily spent the whole time rubbing his back and chewing her lip as his words ran circles in her head. The bad ones were worse since Mars. He hadn’t wanted her to worry. Over and over until he rolled away and sat up, rubbing at his temples before he flashed her a crooked smile.

“Hey,” he said, voice rough. “Thanks.”

“You said that earlier,” Emily replied with a smile.

“Did I?” Kaidan huffed a faint laugh. “Bears repeating.” He blinked as if just realizing she was sitting in his bed. “How did you...?”

“I managed. Gotta practice transferring myself anyway, and this was a good day, since we don’t have anywhere to be,” she shrugged, then grinned. “Just glad I didn’t hit you or anything by accident.”

“‘Preciate that.” He rubbed the back of his neck and reached for the half-empty water bottle, which she passed him.

“Garrus called,” Emily said quietly as she watched him. “They have an... 87% positive ID on the Normandy’s signature, which gives them trajectory and speed. So even if this signature isn’t the current position, it gives them somewhere solid to start looking, and numbers to calculate where they likely ended up.” She smiled wryly. “From the sound of it, Joker was pushing past ‘bat out of hell’ for speed, so it still might be a lot of space to cover.”

“...Good they have a place to start at least,” Kaidan said, rubbing his eyelids with thumb and forefinger.

She nodded and they lapsed into silence for a few minutes.

“Kaidan...” Emily bit her lip, briefly wondering if they should really have this conversation now, but too worried she‘d forget if she waited. “What you said, about them being worse and not telling me so I didn’t worry...”

Something flickered in his eyes as he met her gaze, picking through likely-hazy memories to find the confession. “What about it...?”

She pushed against the mattress to life herself and scoot closer. “You know if I think you’re downplaying, I’ll just worry more, right? Wonder if you’re pushing through when you should be resting.”

Kaidan shook his head and took a drink of water. “I promise, sweetheart, I’m always honest when you ask. I can handle a lot, work though pretty bad ones when I need to.” He covered one of her hands with his to stop her nervously picking at the sheets. “I wasn’t ever actively trying to hide anything as I was... hoping you wouldn’t ask.”

She felt immensely guilty she hadn’t checked, regardless. “But why...? I’m always willing to help-”

“That’s why, Emmy.” Kaidan shook his head, wincing slightly as he ran his fingers through his hair.. “I know you. You’d want to help, and there isn’t anything you can do to make them stop, and you had enough on your mind I didn’t want to add to it. Especially if it was going to distract you and increase the chances of you getting hurt.”

A fair point, and she grimaced at the similarity to her own earlier grousing about being unable to help. He did know her. 

He patted her hand. “I promise, I only had one or two that bad aboard the SR-2, and you know I tapped out of missions for them.”

He had. Part of her still wanted to worry, be skeptical he’d try to hide things now because he felt like she needed him. But he had always been honest with her, and looking into those whiskey brown eyes, she couldn’t believe he was being otherwise now.

Emily nodded slowly. “Kaidan... You do so much for me. So much. More than I would ever ask or expect, far beyond anything required of a.. a partner.” In this moment, boyfriend felt inadequate. “You are my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my safe place to land.” She cupped his cheek in one hand. “But you’re also human. Let me take care of you every once in a while.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Kaidan promised, covering her hand with his as he leaned in to kiss her. “But you won’t be able to stop me feeling guilty if one of these hits on a day you need me.”

“We’ll make it work, if that happens.” She slid her arm around his neck to pull him in for another kiss. “For now, it’s almost dinner time, you feel like eating?”

“Maybe a little?” He rested his forehead on her shoulder. “Give me a bit to get equilibrium back.”

She smiled and rubbed his back in lazy circles again. “Of course.”

---

Over the following weeks, their routine formed. Twice a week PT with Laura, biweekly appointments with Dr. Ahn to monitor progress. The swelling continued to go down and Emily continued to improve; the feeling fully returned to her legs and she could curl her toes or roll her ankle with concentrated effort. And then less concentrated, just focus. Even the occasional bad day--from her nightmares or his migraines--were only hiccups.  Serious ones, sometimes, capable of wrecking their plans. But they got through.

There were more interview and appearance requests, all of which Emily politely declined(less politely, if they pushed). There were a few days Rae shooed Kaidan out of the house or “kidnapped” Emily for a girl’s day. Emily was glad that--after lodging a token protest--Kaidan went along with it. He deserved a break, and his mom was fun to hang out with. 

There were sunrises and sunsets to watch, almost all just as gorgeous as Kaidan had promised, and even better enjoyed with a warm drink and his company out on the deck.

There were calls with her mother, with Garrus, Kasumi, even Jack a couple times. All too busy to trek to Canada for a visit, unfortunately, but all happy to hear she was healing and making progress.

It was a state Emily enjoyed as well.

Until the day she wasn’t. Dr. Ahn used kinder, if more clinical, terms to relay the news, but the short of it confirmed a suspicion that had been nagging her for a week and a half.

She’d plateaued. Full feeling in her legs, the movement in her feet and ankles, sometimes brief bursts of jerky reaction for her knees if she concentrated really heard(or was terrified out of her mind). But nothing more. No progress for three straight weeks.

“This happens,” Dr. Ahn assured her, gesturing to the wall screens with magnified images of Emily’s scans. “The swelling is gone, you’ve staved off atrophy. There’s no real physical barrier to advancing; you probably just need to build the muscles back up some more and give the nerves time to recover.”

“Probably?” Emily cocked her head at the careful word choice.

Dr. Ahn sighed and moved closer to showed her the datapad and a few scans that weren’t on the wall screens. One, in particular, which he enhanced, showed the dark shadow of an implant low on her spine. Just above the L-3 vertebrae, in fact. “This had shorted out and was removed by the doctors during your initial recovery, Commander. It’s unlikely but possible it cause some irreversible nerve damage between the removal and its shorting in the first place.”

Damn Cerberus, Emily groused to herself, curling and uncurling her toes. Sure they’d brought her back from the literal dead, but Reaper-infused tech? It was a miracle this was the only one potentially causing problems. Let’s use pieces of the enemy to rebuild our hero, no way that’ll backfire. she thought sarcastically. 

Dr. Ahn rested a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “I did say unlikely, Commander Shepard. The human body is resilient and you’ve made such strong recovery in every other respect, I’m fairly certain this is merely a delay, not the end of the road. Something we’ll add to the list of things you’ve overcome.” He smiled. “We’ll give it a few weeks and see.”

Emily nodded. “Right.” He was probably right. He was a doctor, he would know. She’d just been rolling along with such good, consistent progress, a roadblock of any kind was frustrating.  

Kaidan let her be moody through the shuttle ride home.

“There’s no shame in this taking some time, you know,” he said as they headed for the house. “You’re not a god, Em.”

“A god wouldn’t have gotten crippled in the first place,” she muttered, picking at a hangnail.

“And that bothers you... why, exactly?” Kaidan asked gently. Rather than enter the house, he pushed her around the porch til they reached the deck and sat in a chair to be on her level.

“Why do you think, Alenko?” Emily stared out over the orchard rather than look at him. “I’m a symbol, an inspiration. Everyone is watching me, everyone has expectations.” And if I get a second chance to give people hope, I don’t want to let them down. The doctor’s words, kindly meant as they were, floated through her mind. ‘We can add this to the list...’ “They think I’m damn near invincible and they want-”

Her omnitool beeped and her glance down was followed by a harsh laugh.

“Case in point; another interview request.” This particular reporter’s fifth attempt. If they tried again she was going to block them. 

“That you won’t do,” Kaidan said. She could feel him studying her, even without looking. There was no judgement in in his tone, just curiosity.

“No. They don’t wanna talk to me, they wanna parade around Commander Shepard, savior of humanity, the Citadel, the galaxy. Meanwhile, I can’t go three days without waking up screaming, I flinch at sounds that are actually innocuous, and” --she gestured with a sharp sweep at the wheelchair and her legs-- “don’t think this is quite the picture of inspiration they’re hoping for.”

“You’re still here,” Kaidan said, tone still gentle. “You survived something that would’ve killed just about anyone else and should have killed you. So I see where they’re coming from; Commander Shepard is the personification of human grit and that’s plenty inspirational. But you’re right, they do treat you as something more--and less--than human. You don’t have to agree to any of those requests, I’m not trying to talk you into anything.”

“Then what’s your point?” Emily asked, finally looking at him.

“If you’re gonna avoid them, make sure it’s for the right reasons. Like wanting privacy, or not being ready, or your dislike of public speaking, not because you think you’ll let people down if they see you struggle. You’re allowed to just be Emily, not Commander Shepard. You’re allowed to be human. Rather than a symbol.”

“That’s the tricky part, isn’t it?” Emily scoffed. “People do love their symbols. Don’t think I’ll be escaping that role any time soon, Kaidan.”

“Well, then, I’ll help you deal with it,” he said, shifting closer to take her hand. “Think the second ever human Spectre can take some of the spotlight off Commander Shepard?”

She couldn’t help a giggle. “Not when he’s dating her, but I appreciate the thought.” She pulled him in to kiss his cheek. “I just have to find a way to deal with... all of it.”

“I’ll help.” He kissed the top of her head.

“I figured.” Emily smiled as she sat back in her chair. “And I’ll think about maybe doing an interview...” She’d hated anything that resembled public speaking since before Eden Prime, Kaidan had that right, her current circumstances were just increasing her aversion to being the latest hot topic.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re plenty inspiration as Emily,” Kaidan said, cupping her jaw with one hand as she looked up.

“Quite a bit, actually.” Even if you are horribly biased. She gave a wry chuckle.  “Now just pass that along to the media jackals and maybe they’ll leave me alone.”

“Fat chance.” 

She gave an exaggerated groan. “Worth a shot, you killjoy.”

She’d probably have to talk to someone eventually, or they’d start trying to sneak into the house--or the Bailey Center. But she’d do it on her own terms. When she was ready.

---

Ready happened sooner than she’d thought it would, partly wanting to get it over with, partly because they caught a pair of reporters lurking outside the Bailey Center after therapy.

“Guess they’re bored of reporting on the reconstruction,” Emily muttered, watching security escort the reporters away.

“Or they figure your recovery counts as part of the reconstruction,” Kaidan added in a similar tone.

Yeah,, that’ll endear them to me. She didn’t really want to reward this behavior, but she didn’t want them harassing other people in their attempts to talk to her. (Which they were banking on, she was sure.) “Kaidan?”

“Hmm?”

“I have six or seven interview requests waiting for an answer, think you could help me pick a safe one to grant?” she asked as they headed out.

“Sure, but you’re a good judge of character, Em,” he said. “You could do it on your own.”

“Call it wanting a second opinion,” Emily said with a sigh.

Kaidan made a noise of understanding, and they spent the ride home vetting requests. It took the whole trip, plus lunch, but they finally settled on one from a local station; a “rising star” named Jenna Marks. She had shared credit on several well done stories, phrased her request respectfully, and was willing to do the interview via vidcall instead of in person if that was easier.

It would be, significantly. Not having to navigate a city, the ability to end the conversation early if need be.

“You know who I’d really trust with this?” Emily sighed once the selection was made, idly circling her finger around the rim of her glass. “Emily Wong.”

Kaidan hummed an agreement as he lifted her legs so he could slide under them to sit next to her on the couch. “I get that.”

Emily toes cramped, and she wrinkled her nose as she worked it out. “She was fair, thorough, we had a good rapport, and she always did a good job focusing on the human element....” Another sigh. Allers wouldn’t even be too bad... “But, since she’s not an option, hopefully this Jenna Marks is a good second choice.”

Her omnitool beeped a couple minutes later with a very eager reporter calling to set up date and time for the interview. They arranged it for the following afternoon, to give Emily time to recover from PT and Marks time to get questions together.

Marks was prompt with her call. Emily appreciated that; the nerves had been building despite the fact she’d chosen this and the woman seemed alright from their brief interactions. Kaidan had perched himself in an off screen corner as moral support and her gopher.

“Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Commander Shepard,” Marks said, tucking hair behind her ear. “I know there are a lot of people with questions and I’m honored you chose to answer mine.”

“What I can, at least,” Emily clarified, already fighting the urge to pick at her fingers. 

“Oh, of course.” Marks adjusted herself in her chair and flashed a professional smile. “First one’s easy-- How are you adjusting to life after victory? You’ve been... very involved in fighting the Reapers for several years, I imagine it’s a bit odd to know you don’t have to anymore.”

“Odd’s one word for it,” Emily said with a faintly scoffing laugh. “While it’s a relief to no longer have that threat, it was a consuming focus for long enough to leave me, um, at loose ends with it gone. It’s actually not all that easy of a feeling to describe; missing the familiarity of something even if you’re glad it’s gone.”

She took a deep breath, still floundering for an adequate description, and caught Kaidan’s nod of encouragement. 

“I think I take your meaning,” Marks nodded. “And they are largely gone thanks to you-”

“It was a joint force of every race, working together,” Emily said, trying to hide a twinge of irritation at the minimizing of others’ contributions.

“Spearheaded by humanity, and you in particular,” Marks countered smoothly.  “Don’t sell yourself short, Commander. What’s it like knowing you accomplished something that seemed impossible, against an enemy that annihilated more societies than we’ll likely ever know.?”

Emily took a breath. “As I said, it was a joint effort; I’d never have managed without the support of the other races, both Council members and not. Their help was invaluable. But even beyond that” --she shifted in her chair as something twinged in her back-- “those other societies you mentioned who came before us made vital contributions and adjustments to the Crucible.” She held up a hand to forestall the question she knew was coming. “I can’t share details, just that we’re lucky enough to be the cycle that got it working.”

“Credit where due, but it’s not as if a perfect solution was dropped into our laps ready to go, correct?”

“No, it did take a lot of effort from many people; scientists, engineers, soldiers. I’d never want to minimize their work. We only managed to succeed through cooperation.”

“Yes, you did garner some impressive alliances over the course of this war.” Marks checked something on her datapad. “One of the most notable being the quarians and geth. Of course, that didn’t last long, as the geth were destroyed by the same... energy pulse that destroyed the Reapers. Given rising concerns about a truly AI race, and the suspicion with which they were viewed, I have to ask--was it your intention to merely placate the geth until a more... permanent solution was discovered?”

“Not at all!” Emily’s nails dug into her palm. “I was elated about the quarian-geth alliance, despite the high cost.”  ‘Shepard-Commander, does this unit have a soul?’ She bit her lip hard.  “My only goal in the war and with the Crucible was to stop the Reapers.”

“So genociding an entire race--if one wants to call them that--was what? An unintended side effect?”

“To be frank, yes.” Emily sucked the inside of her cheek. That sinking, naggy feeling she always got speaking in public was getting worse. “I also ‘genocided’ the Reapers but don’t hear anyone complaining about that one,” she said tartly. Kaidan arched a brow at her and she took a deep breath to calm down. “I did not have any good options in the moment I made that call, Miss Marks. I did the best I could in the situation.” While bleeding out, half-dead from exhaustion, and emotionally off-balance from watching a man I loved like a father die in front of me. “I regret the loss of the geth. I think they and the quarians could have done some amazing things working together. It was not something I wanted or considered or planned, my goal through the whole damn war was ending the Reaper threat.”

Javik’s voice rang in her head again. “You think to end this war with your honor intact...”

“Well, you certainly did that,” Marks said. “And the galaxy thanks you, even if the reconstruction and clean up of defunct Reaper forces will take years, it’s still better than annihilation. If you weren’t thinking about the consequences your actions might carry, what was on your mind during that final push in London?”

Kaidan shifted and Emily made a subtle gesture with one hand to say let it go. She didn’t care for the phrasing either, but she was in this now. When--and if--she cut the interview early would possibly reflect just as poorly as the phrasing of Marks’s questions. This is why I hate public speaking. “In a word? Focus.” Emily’s hands clenched. She could almost smell the dirt, the smoke, the twisted and super-heated metal. “I knew we were on our last shot, our last chance, failure would mean death for everyone.”

The memories pressed in. “You did good, child.”

Adrenaline dulling the exhausted headache.

“...stand in the ashes...”

Dodging debris, gunfire, biotic blasts, retaliating with her own. Ignoring the pain in her arm that said something got through.

“You’re under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz...”

A vehicle-flipping explosion. Garrus’ visor was cracked, Kaidan coughing blood, more spattered on his armor. “I need an evac, Joker, now!!”

“Don’t leave me behind...”

Emily shook it off with an effort just as Kaidan started to stand. She cleared her throat. “Beyond that? Survival. If we... if we could get someone there, get the Crucible activated, we could win. We could survive the Reapers and ensure no future races needed to worry about them, either.”

“And you succeeded, though at great cost.” Marks glanced at her datapad. “Both general and personally, though rumors about your injuries vary greatly--everything from you walking away with barely a scratch to being crippled--and there’s no official word. Care to change that?” Her genial smile, paired with the hungry look in her eye and after the tone of her earlier questions, had alarms ringing in Emily’s head. It felt like a trap, or the lead up to one. But she had been expecting the question, and at least it wasn’t casting aspersions on her morals.

“Sure,” she said, biting back a grimace that was half at the topic and half at a twinge up her spine. “I’m currently more toward the latter end of that range than the former. There were some comparatively minor  injuries--abrasions, bruises, broken bones--that are mostly healed by now. But there was a more serious back injury that means using a wheelchair as I wait for nerve damage to heal. The prognosis for that is good, however, and I’m working with some amazing care providers, so it’ll hopefully be a temporary situation. We’re just taking it one day at a time.”

“We? So you aren’t facing this on your own?”

“Not at all.” Emily smoothed a wrinkle on her pants, taking the moment to cool from knee-jerk irritation at the implied thought none of her friends would help her. Marks was fishing, and she wasn’t even being subtle about it. Inexperience of youth for you, Emily thought dryly. She even knew what Marks was likely fishing for. But it was another thing she’d been expecting, and had discussed with Kaidan how coy she should play. “I have the support of my doctor, and the therapist, and their respective staffs, who have all been wonderful,” she reeled off, watching the tightening of annoyance to Marks’ expression. “I also have friends who check in and offer support even if they can’t be here.”

Marks huffed a sigh, opened her mouth to say something.

Emily beat her to the punch. “But I don’t know how I would manage without my boyfriend.”

Here we go, she thought as Marks shifted, leaning forward in her chair. No names, they’d agreed. Sure people will probably put two and two together, but she didn’t need to hand it to them on a silver platter.

“So you are in a relationship,” Marks said, faintly smirking as she tapped something on her datapad. “That’s been another topic of hot debate.”

“Yes, and he’s been very involved and attentive, given support I don’t think I could manage without, helps with everything from appointments and home PT exercises to mundane things I can’t do on my own and everything in between.”

“How altruistic of him,” Marks muttered.

Emily stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” she snapped, ignoring Kaidan’s subtle head shake from across the room.

She’s baiting you, stay calm.

Marks gave an innocent shrug. “In my experience, no one gives that much without expecting something back--”

“You’ve never met Kaidan.” Emily winced the second the words left her mouth, wishing she could reel them back in. No. Nonono.

“--are you sure he’s not just hoping for the celebrity-” Marks’ eyes narrowed. “Did you say Kaidan? As in second human Spectre Kaidan Alenko?”

Dammit. Emily exhaled through her nose. So much for no names. “Yeah,” she confirmed. “So obviously he has plenty of celebrity on his own.” Sorry, babe.  “Though you hadn’t connected us ‘til five seconds ago, so...”  .

There was a muffled snort of bitten-off laughter from Kaidan.

“For the record, however, he would still do everything he’s done for me if I was the only being in the galaxy who knew about it,” Emily said, posture still stiff with pique. “He’s kind, and humble, strong. An incredibly capable man with more than enough accomplishments to his name to get recognition without riding my--or anyone else’s--coattails. He’s not helping me in hopes of personal gain” --just voicing it made her want to laugh it was so ludicrous-- “he’s doing it because that’s who he is.”

“Quite a man, to inspire so ardent a defense,” Marks said archly, though she did have the decency to shift in her chair as if being scolded.

“He is. And I’m very lucky and grateful to call him mine,” Emily said in a tone she hoped hit the balance between light and final.

“I can probably name a dozen people off the top of my head who agree with you on that, Commander,” Marks laughed. “While regretting he’s confirmed off the market.”

Emily didn’t dare look toward Kaidan just now--though she could imagine his expression--and was fervently hoping the vidcall didn’t show her blush.

“Anyway.” Marks cleared her throat and tapped her datapad. “You also mentioned having friends’ support, even though they can’t be here. Would these be friends aboard the Normandy?”

“No, we haven’t been able to establish contact with the Normandy since the battle at London,” Emily said, picking at a hangnail and trying not to think about the conversation she and Joker needed to have about EDI. “The relays being damaged means no QED comms either, after all.”

“I must say, Commander, you seem awfully... at peace with the fact a ship full of your friends is lost somewhere in the depths of space,” Marks commented.

Wow, you almost had me convinced you were decent for a second. “I miss them,” Emily said tartly. She rubbed her temples. This was more ‘public speaking’ than she’d done in her life and it was starting to wear on her. The trapped sensation in her chest was growing. “I hope they’re alright and I... I want them back. But since I lack any relevant degrees and--as we discussed--am injured, there’s not much I personally can do beyond wait and pray.”

“But are efforts being made to locate the Normandy and any other ships that might be stranded with the relays damaged?”

“As far as I know,” Emily said with strained patience. “Even if I had details, they would be classified and not something I could share. Now, I’m sorry if you had any more you wanted to ask, but I need to call it.”

Disappointment was clear on Marks’ face, but she nodded. “Of course, Commander Shepard. Thank you for the time you were able to give.” She tapped her datapad. “And we’ll send the edited file for review before we finalize it to air.”

Emily nodded, trying to loosen the growing tightness in her chest with slow breathing, and the screen went blank.

“You alright?” Kaidan asked, swiftly moving to her side.

“Yeah,” Emily managed. “Think so.” She buried her face in her hands. “That could’ve gone better. I’m sorry, Kay.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He rubbed her back in consolation.

“But they’re gonna be all over you even more now, and your mom-”

“Can handle herself. I’ll make sure she knows, but don’t worry about her. Or me.” His eyes twinkled. “Though it was kinda sexy watching you defend my honor like that.”

Emily groaned and ran her hands down her face as she looked up, but couldn’t resist teasing back. “Only kind of?”

“No, you’re right, it was really sexy,” Kaidan grinned, leaning in to steal a kiss.

“Any time, babe.” She cupped his jaw with one hand. “I am sorry, though. I should’ve kept my cool better. We agreed no names to make things easier, and I couldn’t even hold out past the first blatantly obvious bit of bait she dangled in front of me.”

“People would’ve figured it out eventually, Em,” he consoled, kissing her forehead. “Celebrity gossip brings out the bloodhound in a lot of people. Even if it would’ve been fun to make ‘em work for it.”

“You’re cute when you’re thinking devious thoughts,” Emily murmured, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. “But I still shouldn’t have let her get to me like that. Didn’t let al-Jilani bait me, but an ambitious little newbie managed it,” she groused, still annoyed with herself.

“I can think of a notable difference,” Kaidan said gently, pulling over a chair to sit next to her and taking her hands in his. “Al-Jilani went after you. Marks went after me, and you’ve always been quick to the defense of people you care about, whether verbally or physically. Also, maybe she’s just better at it than al-Jilani.”

“She did make both of us think she’d be a good person for me to talk to...” Then had me skirting panic attacks twice and attacked both my character and yours. Emily sucked the inside of her cheek. Damn reporters. She stared out the window, toward the horizon, and beyond it the stars, the vast expanse of space, and--somewhere out there--the Normandy and God only knew how many other ships.

“Hey.” Kaidan squeezed her hand to get her to look at him. “They’re working on it, okay? Last report from Hackett sad relay repairs looked promising, and since Garrus said they know the Normandy’s trajectory, it’s just a matter--”

“I know.” Emily stared down at their hands.

“You aren’t a bad friend for not detailing a classified operation to a reporter, Em,” he said, tone quiet. “Let her think what she wants.”

Damn, he knew her well. She nodded, but it was a weak and noncommittal agreement at best. 

Kaidan slipped one hand free so he could tip her chin up. “C’mon,” he smiled. “I think lunch on the deck is a good idea for today.”

“Mm, that is a good idea.” Emily unlocked the wheels and started out of the room. “Shame I forgot to include smart on that list when I was defending your honor.”

He made a tsking noise and smirked. “You’ll have to remember next time, Shepard.” 

“I don’t plan for there to be a next time, Alenko,” she retorted, pausing to rake her fingers through her hair. “No more interviews from me, not until I’m sure I can keep it together better than this time.”

“I think you did alright.”

She snorted. “Yeah, but you’re biased.”

“True,” Kaidan said blithely. “I’ll grab food and meet you out there. The magnificent view can help you forget.”

Sure will, Emily thought, watching him walk away. “Even without a sunrise,” she teased, and Kaidan was laughing as he headed for the kitchen.

---

By the time they finished lunch, Emily seemed... resigned toward how the interview had gone. Still, perhaps, annoyed at the gaffes--because she wouldn’t be Emily is she wasn’t holding herself to a high standard--but accepting of the fact there was nothing to do but work with it.

Kaidan still noted the new, if faint, tension in her that hung on for several days. And even if she’d staved off a panic attack mid-interview--he knew the signs and how close she’d come--her nightmares were bad that night. And the next. He really should have stepped in and cut things off when Marks showed her true colors.

Emily was quiet and more driven than usual about her PT the next week, laser focused in her questions for Dr. Ahn at the check-in. Kaidan understood what was driving her, especially after he saw the interview footage.

The lighting made her look even paler than usual, and while she was clearly the same tenacious, determined Commander Shepard who wrangled the galaxy into standing together, there was an air of fragility at points that was impossible to miss. It was obvious she had been through hell and even though she’d been tough enough to survive, hell had done a number on her. And that wasn’t even getting into Marks’ slanted and prying comments in the name of ‘hard hitting journalism’ and making a name for herself. 

Viewing it again, all edited and trimmed for airing in a set time slot, Kaidan could hardly blame Emily for dragging her feet about sending a reply.

“Alright, talk to me,” he finally said after giving her a couple days to process. He’d figured she would bring it up, but if she was gonna let it stew and try to struggle though on her own, well. He was more than willing to give a gentle nudge.

“About what?” Emily looked down at the ball she held before tossing it down toward the orchard for Mo to chase. They hadn’t gone anywhere the dog needed to come along for a few days, and she had lots of pent-up energy to run off as a result. The bench at the top of the orchard slope had an added bonus of privacy for their conversation while they took turns throwing a ball for Mo.

“Whatever has you crumpling in on yourself. I’m pretty sure I could guess, but don’t wanna assume.”

She bit her lip and he hoped the pregnant pause was getting her thoughts in order rather than planning to deflect. “And I’m pretty sure you would be correct.” Mo came charging back and dropped the slobbery ball in Emily’s lap. She half-smiled as she threw it again. “There’s part of me trying to come up with an excuse for Marks to bury the interview instead of airing it. But I also know it would take a lot, this’ll make her career, and that’s all it would be; an excuse, not wanting to look weak. And if I ask with a flimsy reason it’s just gonna make it look worse and make her and others more curious what I’m trying to hide.”

This time when Mo returned, she dropped the ball at Kaidan’s feet, and he picked it up to throw. “I get that, but maybe it’s a good thing for people to see you ‘weak’.” He still thought she was incredibly strong. He lobbed to ball for Mo. “Even if that weakness is just a different kind of strength.”

“Remind them I’m human?” Emily asked with a wry smile.

“Basically, yeah.” Kaidan watched Mo chase the ball, leap to catch it. “You’re not invincible, and you have limits, like anyone. The perseverance that inspires them is still there; you get knocked down and you recover-”

“But I’m not!” Emily cut in, voice oozing frustration. “That’s the thing, Kaidan, I’ve been stuck for weeks. No progress and nothing I can do but ‘wait and see’.” She raked her fingers through her hair. “It’s... I don’t even...” A sigh as she threw the ball for Mo again. “It’s not even the thought of being in that” --a wave toward her wheelchair parked nearby-- “the rest of my life. I’ve known from the beginning that was a possibility. I’m lucky to just be alive. And that’s the issue--if I’m alive, and I’m such an inspiration I feel like I owe it to the galaxy to be that, in whatever capacity I can, and hitting a rut in my recovery isn’t very inspirational.”

“Maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you,” his own voice mocked him. 

“Emmy.” Kaidan reached for her hand just as Mo returned and, sensing the change, buried her head in Emily’s lap. “You don’t owe anyone anything, sweetheart.”

“I’m trying... trying to believe that,” she said softly, holding his hand tight. “But you know me. Responsibility’s not an easy weight to shuck and I still feel like I’m letting people down.”

“I get that,” he said with a nod, turning over some thoughts as he chose his words. With what had been hung around her neck and for how long, that wasn’t going to be a feeling she could just brush off, he knew. “You aren’t. And I’ll keep reminding you of that as often as you need.”

“Thanks,” Emily murmured, scratching Mo’s ears with her free hand. “It’ll probably be a lot.”

He believed that, looking at the circles under her eyes and slump of her shoulders. How did you even begin to shift out a mindset so thoroughly ingrained?

---

Kaidan studied her face and Emily let him, not hiding the strain that tugged at her features. Three bad nights in a row--not to mention that damn interview--topped with a grueling PT session had drained her enough even without the fear her progress would stagnate here at curling toes and rotating ankles, minimal movement and no weight bearing.

He took a deep breath and tugged her closer, until she slid into his lap, and settled one arm loosely around her waist. “Y’know what?”

“What?” she asked cautiously, distracted from watching Mo chase a squirrel by the care in his eyes.

“You don’t have PT or a check-in tomorrow.” Kaidan brushed a kiss just below her eye. “I think we should go do something fun. I think we need it.”

“Like what?” Emily leaned into the soft kiss, then rested her forehead against his temple.

“There’s a boardwalk along part of Peace River that’s reopened recently, there’s lots of neat shops and stalls, arcade-style games, good food, gorgeous views, great company...”

She giggled, weighed how draining the day might be against how much she needed a chance to relax. “Sounds good.”

“Something like that doesn’t have a time commitment, either,” he continued, “so we can leave whenever you want.”

She laughed as she straightened. “I already said yes, babe, you don’t have to keep selling it.”

“Just wanted to make sure you know that,” he said, stealing a kiss. “I know you’re more comfortable when you can make an easy exit.”

Emily smiled and cupped one hand to his jaw. “Always lookin’ out for me. I’m so lucky I have you.”

She knew it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with commitment, and it made her love him more than she could put into words.

“I’m just dating you for the celebrity appeal, remember?” Kaidan teased.

She groaned. “Please don’t remind me of that interview. I can’t remember the last time I was tempted to shoot someone who wasn’t an enemy combatant.” 

He chuckled. “Want to leave around ten tomorrow? Or should we aim for later? I’d like to have some time to walk around before we have lunch, but-”

“We can leave earlier,” Emily interrupted. “You know I’m usually up by eight.”

“Didn’t want you to feel rushed.”

“I won’t. We can say nine.” She walked her fingers up his chest. “Unless you want to move slower.”

“Nine’s fine with me if it works for you,” Kaidan said with a smile.

“It’s a date, then,” Emily said playfully.

“It’s a date,” Kaidan laughed, and they turned their attention to the sunset.

---

Despite her insistence, Emily could still admit privately it was a  minor miracle they got out of the house when they’d planned to. (Well, alright, 9:03. Close enough.) No mishaps, no migraines, no muscle spasms or panic attacks. After some careful deliberation about her mental state, where they were going, and the fact Kaidan would be with her, she decided to leave Harmony home with Rae.

“You get to have the day off,” she crooned, ruffling Mo’s ears, and the dog gave a happy groan at the attention before curling up to sleep.

The shuttle ride was uneventful aside from one detour around a reconstruction site, and they arrived at the boardwalk more or less when they’d been aiming to.

“Big place,” Emily commented, surveying the wide walkway lined with booths and attractions as she settled in her wheelchair and Kaidan got the rest of their things. “Lot of people...”

“Is that gonna be a problem?” He paused in hanging the small carry bag off the chair’s handgrips.

“Only if I get recognized and mobbed,” she said dryly. “That’s counterproductive to a relaxing day off.”

“Which is why I brought a disguise,” Kaidan said with a laugh, plunking a wide-brim sunhat on her head and handing her a pair of sunglasses. “Basic works best, right?”

Emily matched his laugh and pulled the hat brim down so it better shaded her face. Quite aside from blending in, shielding her from the sun was always smart with how easily she burned. “You better keep these, though,” she said, beckoning him with the sunglasses. “You’re hardly low profile yourself, Mr. Second-ever Human Spectre.”

Kaidan snorted another laugh and bent down to let her slip the sunglasses on his face. “Think that’ll do the trick?”

“You’re as good as invisible,” Emily teased, and kissed the tip of his nose before he straightened.

“Right then.” He angled her chair toward a ramp up onto the slightly raised boardwalk. “Any requests for first stop?”

“Your idea, your choice, babe,” she countered, running a look over the multitude of options. There was too much to choose from just at this end. She wasn’t letting him palm the decision off on her that easily.

“Wandering til something catches our eye it is,” he said, and she could almost see the small smirk. “I don’t know what’s here much better than you do, Em.”

“Wandering aimlessly fits better with relaxing day off anyway,” she said lightly. Seat of the pants worked for her in combat, why not extend it to leisure time, too?

She wasn’t sure if it was the time or the day of the week, but the crowd milling along the boardwalk wasn’t bad. Enough people they could go with the flow, so to speak, not so many the wheelchair would be a problem or draw (too much) attention.

Goldilocks zone, Emily thought glibly as she scanned the booths for anything interesting. “I assume any of the toss games frown upon... biotic assistance.”

Kaidan laughed. “It tends to be considered cheating, yeah.”

She chewed her lower lip and stared at one nearby, a sticky ball version of darts from the look of it, then glanced down at her right hand. Her arm was technically all healed up, and probably wouldn’t betray her. But--as Garrus could gleefully attest--her aim was shit. There was a reason she’d toted a shotgun.

“If you’re staring at it this long, I think we should play.” Kaidan altered course to head for the booth.

“I don’t want you to waste the money-”

“Something that makes you happy is never a waste,” he cut off her protest.  “Besides, it’s not like I’m short on credits. Think you can beat me?”

Emily grinned at the teasing challenge. “Alright, you’re on.” The counter was low enough to not be in her way, and she was curious how good he was at this.  “Impress me.”

They approached the counter, Kaidan paid the three-game charge without even hesitating, and the bin slid open to the first set of slightly-sticky projectiles. They were odd to hold, the texture not quite upsetting, but not quite normal either.

“Ready?” Kaidan asked, rolling one in his palm.

“Whenever you are, hot stuff,” Emily winked back.

Her first throw barely caught the target. Kaidan’s barely missed the bullseye.

“Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” she drawled through a grin she’d couldn’t have fought if she wanted to(and she didn’t want to).

“You said to impress you,” Kaidan baited with a matching grin. “You can aim it better if you sort of flick it off your fingers instead of throwing it.”

Emily sucked the inside of her cheek as she followed his advice for the next one. Still not a bullseye, but definitely more on the target. Kaidan’s hit the outer ring and the point counters beneath the targets showed them almost tied. She looked down at the third--final--ball in her hand, then back at the target, and let it fly. It stuck solidly in the ring outside the bullseye. Kaidan’s hit one ring out from hers, giving her one point more for the round.

“Best two out of three?” he chuckled, leaning against the edge of the booth as the attendant removed the balls from the targets.

“Well, you did pay for that already,” Emily said, underscored by the counter opening to give their second round. “So might as well, right?”

“That’s the spirit.”

Kaidan won the second game--trounced her, really--which made the final set a matter of pride. And Emily was very proud of herself when she managed to win that one, too.

“Yes!” She punched the air and almost knocked off her sunhat.

Kaidan laughed and moved so she could see the selection of prizes for her point total. “Congratulations. Choose your spoils.”

“Hmmm....” Emily tapped a finger against her chin as she looked at the options. It was mostly cheap toys; noisemakers, flimsy looking metal models, slightly goofy stuffed animals. She finally settled on a stuffed woodpecker wearing an ‘I ♥ Peace River’ t-shirt.

“Nice,” Kaidan snorted in amusement as he tucked it in the bag.

“Hey, I coulda picked the Blasto slap bracelet set and made you wear one,” she countered with a smirk as they started off, a gentle moseying pace that let them scan the activities, storefronts and food stands ass they went.

“Made me, huh?”

Emily tipped her head back to flutter her eyelashes at him. “I know your weaknesses, Major.”

“Ah, playing dirty, I see how it is.”

The light banter continued as they did, pausing occasionally to peruse the souvenirs displayed outside a store or play another game. Emily’s favorite of the morning was the claw machine, even if they didn’t fare much better at the game than Zaeed had.

 After a truly inordinate amount of time, credits, and laughter (not to mention stubbornness), Emily managed to snag a ‘mystery prize; the sphere opaqued to conceal its contents, and Kaidan missed the mini hanar keychain he was aiming for. He caught one with cheap silicone ring in it instead; part of the ‘powers of the galaxy’ set displayed on the side of the machine. It featured colors like ‘explosion orange’ and ‘relay grey’. Because the galaxy loved irony, Kaidan’s was tacky shades of ‘biotic blue’.

“Wow.” They said it in unison, almost but not quite laughing.

“I don’t think that’ll even fit me,” Kaidan commented, the almost-laugh still hanging on his words as he looked at the ring. “Not that it’s something I’d want to wear...”

“Oh, no, of course not.” Emily rotated her own prize in her hands. “You wanna grab a snack and I can see what mine is? If it’s good maybe we can swap.”

“Aw, you’d do that for me?” Kaidan teased as he tucked both prize spheres in next to her stuffed woodpecker and the t-shirt she gotten from one of the souvenir kiosks(it was three sizes too big and very soft; she planned to make it her new sleep shirt).

“Just shows how much I love you,” Emily deadpanned. “I smell funnel cake, can we hunt that down?”

He chuckled. “Sure.”

Given there were vendors selling every kind of food, healthy and decidedly not, every ten feet, the funnel cake didn’t take long to find. They procured two drinks and a large handful of napkins as well before heading to a bench. Emily switched from the wheelchair to the bench so she didn’t get powdered sugar all over it. Kaidan sat next to her, and while it took a lot of effort--and a little help from him--she swung her legs up to rest over his lap. This position made the armrest dig into her spine a little, but she didn’t mind. The funnel cake was in her lap where they could both reach it, and Kaidan idly rubbed her leg with one hand as they ate.

“Mmh, do you know how long it’s been since I had funnel cake?” Emily mumbled around her first bite.

“A long time, I’m guessing, if the euphoria on your face is anything to go by,” Kaidan said, smiling as he brushed futilely at the powdered sugar dotting her leggings after his first bite.

“At least four years,” she said, nodding, around her second bite,. “I know they’re... irredeemably bad for you, but they taste so good. And biotics need the calories.”

He chuckled and leaned over to dust sugar off her nose. “I think you, of all people, have earned the right to be a little bad every once in a while, Em.”

She grinned and tugged on the brim of his baseball cap, added to his sunglasses from the same kiosk she got her t-shirt as the sun was starting to climb, to pull him even closer for a sugary kiss. “Just a little bad, huh?”

“Little is subjective,” he murmured, eyes twinkling. “But you’re gonna drop the funnel cake if you aren’t careful.”

She released him with a yelp of dismay to catch the funnel cake before it slid from her lap.

“Good to know where I rank next to funnel cake,” Kaidan said with a laugh.

Emily threw a balled up napkin at him. “Hush you. Let me enjoy my fried and sugary dough in peace.”

He did just that, a smirk tugging his lips. While he did take a couple more pieces, she definitely ate the lion’s share. She closed her eyes to enjoy the breezy warmth of the day as Kaidan discarded the trash, then returned to slide under her legs again.

“Tired, Shepard?”

Emily opened her eyes at the amusement in his voice. “No, it’s just really nice. Thanks for this, babe. I needed a day like today, I think more than I realized,” she admitted. “A day out with her boyfriend really helps a girl feel human.”

Kaidan’s brows arched at the reference to their previous conversation even as he smiled. “Happy to help. And I got something I needed out of it, too--seeing you relax for once,” he clarified before she could ask, then dug out her claw game prize from the carry bag. “Now. Ready to see how lucky you are?”

“Oh, I’m already the luckiest ‘cause I’ve got you,” Emily said, tone glib even if she meant every damn word.

Kaidan laughed. “Awful cheesy for you, hon.”

“Doesn’t make it untrue,” she retorted as she popped open the mystery prize to reveal a wildly patterned pink and red stress ball. “Oh, hey, that might actually come in handy...” She set it aside--trying not to dwell on how many credits they’d spent on what amounted to silly junk--and turned back to Kaidan. “Regardless of prize machine success, I really did win big in the boyfriend department,” she said, reaching for his hand so she could interlace their fingers. “You’ve done a lot for me, Kaidan. More than I can fully fathom. You support me, you call me out on bad decisions, you’ve had my back against... through a lot. It means so much knowing you’re there.” 

She traced his fingers with her other hand. “And even more than just... the Reapers, you gave me a home, and you get me to and through therapy and nightmares, and muscle spasms and bad days of every kind and.. and even today,” she continued, “Picking up that I was stressed and knowing how to help and doing it without hesitation. You’re just... always there. And that means more than I can put into words.” 

“I said I would be,” Kaidan replied softly, his thumb brushing the side of her hand. “I’m in this for the long haul, Em. Good and bad, exciting and mundane, hard and easy and everything in between. I love you and don’t wanna lose you again.”

“Sweet as always. That sounds like you’re rehearsing a proposal,” Emily mumbled with a shaky laugh through the emotion lumping in her throat, unsure what else to say.

Kaidan cocked his head at her, wry smile tugging his lips. “Well, I was planning to wait until I had a ring, but why not? Oh, wait-” He pulled out his claw machine prize as Emily was still processing the implications of his comment, freed it from the casing, and looked her square in the eye. “Emily, will you ma-”

“YES-!!” She clapped a hand over her grin, heart racing, and mumbled a giddy, “Sorry, I’ll let you actually finish asking...”

Kaidan shook his head, grinning back and tugging her closer to sit in his lap --”Good enough for me”--so he could kiss her. Emily reached up, fumbling to swivel the bill of his hat around as she kissed him back(again, and again), arms settling tight around his neck. 

The prize ring did not fit on the correct finger, but it did fit on her pinkie.

“I am going to buy you a real ring,” Kaidan promised. “That actually fits right.”

“And I’ll love it when you do, but I like the memory that goes with this one now,” Emily said, tracing along the ‘biotic’ design. “So, do we tell your mom now, or after we have the official ring?”

“I don’t know about you, sweetheart,” he tweaked the brim of her sunhat, “but I think I’ll still be grinning big enough to clue her in when we get back.”

She laughed and nuzzled her nose to his. “Yeah, me, too.”

“How ‘bout Garrus and the others? When do you want to tell them?”

Emily bit her lower lip, mood dimming slightly at the thought of their still-absent friends. “Garrus was gonna call in a couple days to chat anyway. I’ll tell him then. I’ll figure out the rest later. But I’m definitely calling my mom as soon as we get home.”

“Of course,” Kaidan chuckled. “Guess we really need to work on getting her out here to meet my mom in person.”

“Guess we do.” Emily looked at the ring again, felt her heart soar at the commitment it represented, then back at her fiancé and grinned. “For now, you ready to continue the fun day out?”

“If you are,” Kaidan said, small smile tugging his lips. “I thought you might want to sit here and make out a little longer.”

“Considering how embarrassingly overboard I’ll go if we do that,” Emily said, rubbing her thumb along his jaw, “prob’ly better for makeouts to wait until we get home.” She cupped his jaw in both hands and kissed him deeply. “But we can have that one for the road.”

It made her more than a little smug when Kaidan had to blink several times to get his eyes back in focus before he spoke. “...Right. Better to limit the PDA, I guess.” He kissed the tip of her nose, then stood and moved the wheelchair closer to help her shift back. “You just make that very difficult sometimes,” he murmured.

“Right back atcha, babe,” Emily said wiggling to a more comfortable position while Kaidan gathered their things and stowed them in the carry bag. She fiddled with the ring again, unable to stop grinning as they rejoined the flow of foot traffic to see what else the boardwalk held. No matter what they saw or did, she was pretty sure nothing could make this day any more perfect.

---

They spent another three hours at the boardwalk--occupied by games, attractions, and (of course) ice cream--before heading home. Happily, contentedly tired as they climbed in the cab. Still grinning, as predicted, when they climbed out back at the house.

Rae was just settling on the front porch, mug of strongly hazelnut coffee in hand and a book in her lap, and looked up from both as they approached. A grin that mirrored theirs curved her lips. “Well, you two look like you had a good day.”

“Oh, the best,” Kaidan nodded, as he and Emily traded mischievous looks.

Rae arched a brow. “Any elaboration planned for that...?”

Emily giggled and nudged Kaidan when he hesitated as if planning to defer to her. “I’ll get to tell mine, you tell yours.”

He laughed--”Fair”--and met his mother’s gaze. “The opportunity presented itself even if a proper ring hasn’t yet, I proposed, and she said yes.”

Rae whooped and squeezed him so tight Emily swore she heard something pop. “I’m so happy for you!!” She released Kaidan and bent to hug Emily as well. “Have enough energy left to share the details?”

A joyful laugh escaped Emily as her future mother-in-law’s enthusiasm inspired a fresh wave of her own. “I sure do.” She held up her hand to show the silicone ring. “And he did give me a stand-in until we find the real thing.”

Rae peered at the kitschy band and burst out laughing. “This is definitely a story I need to hear.”

“You can hear the unpolished version, before we’ve had to tell it a dozen times and bits get shaved off,” Kaidan joked as he sat in one of the other chairs.

Rae gave another chuckle and reclaimed her coffee mug with a delighted grin. “By all means, hon. Regale me.”

And they did. Emily tried very hard to keep her word and let Kaidan tell it this time, but there were a couple spots she couldn’t help but interject. By the time the story was done, Rae had drunk all her coffee and all three were sporting huge grins.

“Now that is a story,” she said with an approving nod. “I’d say it feels like we should eat dinner out to celebrate, but I’m guessing you two are going to want to stay in?”

Emily nodded. “Spent enough time out today. Honestly, I’m prob’ly gonna fall asleep on the couch,” she admitted with a laugh, running her fingers through her hair.

“Was that a hint, Em?” Kaidan laughed.

“You do know me well.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I wanna snuggle my dog for a little while, but I’ll do my best to stay awake. Oh, after I call my mom.”

“You want living room, bedroom, or deck for that?”

“I’ll do deck, both for the view and because I can get there under my own power. Give you a break.”

“I don’t mind-”

She waved a hand to cut off his protest. “I know you don’t. I still want to give you a break. Let a girl have some independence, babe,” she teased.

“If you really want something to do,” Rae began as she pushed to her feet, “you can help with dinner prep. But I’m with your fiancée on this, hon. You’re allowed to take a break.”

“Ganging up on me, huh?” Kaidan asked with a chuckle, pulling off the baseball cap to run his fingers through his hair.

“Only because we love you,” Emily said, already calling up her omnitool as she started to move around to the deck.

It took a moment for her mom to answer. “Emily? Everything alright?”

She laughed. “Guess I need to call you more if it makes you worry something’s wrong. But yeah, everything’s alright.” She smiled and bit back a giggle again looking at the ring. “More than, actually...”

Her mother was just as excited as Rae had been to hear the news, asked for just as many details--which Emily gave--and promised to make time for a visit so they could celebrate.

“And you can finally meet Kaidan’s mom, since she was busy the time you visited the rehab center,” She wished she could say Kaidan’s parents, wished that they knew. “You’ll like her.”

“If she raised a man smart enough to fall in love with you, I’m sure I will,” her mom joked. “But I have a meeting in a few minutes, so I’ll let you go.”

“Alright, Mom. Love you.” Emily laughed and disconnected the call before heading inside.

The rest of the evening was passed pleasantly, with small talk, laughter, and dog cuddles that did indeed end with Emily falling asleep on the couch. She only vaguely woke up when Kaidan carried her to bed, enough to snuggle in close when he settled next to her.

“Love you, Kay,” she mumbled against his neck.

His lips pressed to her forehead in a gentle kiss. “Love you, Em.”

---

They were a bit tangled when Emily woke, and it made her smile against Kaidan’s shirt. His arm was draped over her waist, and one of her legs was between his, ankle--unintentionally--hooked behind his.

She wiggled far enough back to free her left arm from being trapped between them and stared at the blue silicone ring for a long moment. Warmth turned and squeezed in her chest at the proof yesterday had been real and not just a very good dream.

Biting back the joyful laugh that wanted to come bubbling out of her, Emily tucked her hand under her cheek to watch Kaidan sleep. She didn’t get long to enjoy the view of tousled hair and peaceful expression before Mo realized one of them was awake and started to worm-crawl up the bed in hopes of some attention. Emily chuckled as she reached to scratch between Mo’s ears.

Kaidan stirred a moment later, rubbing his eyes as he opened them. A soft, heart-stopping smile curved his when he saw her watching him. “Hey. Look who’s here.”

“That’s s’pposed to be my line, Alenko,” Emily chided playfully, leaning in for a kiss.. “Sleep well?”

“Mm.” He nodded, running his fingers through her hair and letting his thumb trace down her jaw. “The waking up’s better, though.”

She hummed a small laugh, butterflies in her stomach at his sincerity. “Nice little preview of your future?”

“It’s cute you think you’ll always be awake first,” Kaidan teased, leaning in close. He stopped before their lips met and murmured, “So, any big plans for today, Commander Shepard?”

Emily pursed her lips in faux-thought, their nearness meaning the gesture brushed just above the corner of his mouth. “Hmm, well... I don’t have any appointments today, and” --she linked their hands, playing her fingers over his---”I did just get engaged to the most amazing man in the galaxy yesterday. He still owes me a proper ring, though,” she said mischievously. “Thought maybe we could go look for that.”

He laughed, still slightly sleepy. “You’re awful eager.”

“Excited,” she corrected, finally stealing the kiss he’d been teasing before she sat up. “‘Sides, I’m gonna be talkin’ to Garrus tomorrow, be nice to have the real one by then, ‘cause you know he’s gonna ask. He’s a little invested.”

“Oh, just a little?” Kaidan sat up and stretched, smirking as he watched her watch him, and scratched Mo’s ears. “We can go look if you want. After breakfast. I need coffee.”

“Preachin’ to the choir, babe,” Emily scoffed, automatically holding out an arm for him to pick her up as he circled the bed. She hadn’t done morning stretches yet--after coffee--so it was best to just let him help. Another possible preview of his future... But he knew that and he wasn’t going anywhere.

The coffee was a wonderful start to the day, enjoyed on the deck along with beautiful weather and her fiancé and very attentive dog. They moved through the rest of the morning routine at a leisurely pace, greeting Rae when she rose late--also in search of coffee. By the time they were done and ready for the day, it was late enough for jewelry stores to be open.

So off they went, with matching gleeful grins. ‘Don’t look at prices, look at styles you like,’ Kaidan said as they climbed in they cab, and Emily once again had to grapple with the reminder how comfortable his family was. 

“Gotta warn you, babe,” she said as they approached the first store, “this might take a while; I’m not one of those girls who’ve had a ring and wedding décor picked out since I was ten.”

“Noted,” he chuckled. “We’ll take the time we need. I want you to be happy with it.”

The staff greeted them as they entered and proved quite helpful, the selection varied, and after an hour of looking, they’d found a couple that were very promising. But not perfect, and Emily knew Kaidan could tell she felt that way. Se they thanked the woman who helped them , gave the ‘we need to shop around but might be back’ farewell, and headed for the next jeweler on the list.

“Do you have a better idea the sort of thing you want, Em?” Kaidan asked.

“I think so,” she said with an abashed laugh. “Sorry for making this difficult; I just figured on being married to the job before I met you, and there hasn’t been much time to dwell on it since I met you.”

He snorted.” Which is what I told my mother when she asked why I didn’t have a ring if I was planning to propose.”

“Have you had a chance to look since... since London?” Emily asked, idly taking in the street they were traversing. There was some damage, as there was everywhere, but a surprising number of stores were pushing through and open despite the damage and clean-up around them.

“A few times,” he said. “Haven’t checked everywhere local yet, but some places. Including this one.” He nodded toward the store they were approaching. “But it was the first one I visited and there were too many options for me to have a prayer of narrowing it down on my own.” They paused to let a gaggle of people pass and he grinned at her. “Hopefully, we’ll have better luck this time; with the bride-to-be along and with at least a rough idea of what she wants.”

“Oh, I see how it is,” Emily teased. “Overwhelmed and indecisive so you’re passin’ it off to me?”

“I just want you to have the perfect ring, sweetheart,” Kaidan said with exaggerated innocence. “‘Sides, it’s not like I’m going anywhere; we’re in this together.”

“I feel better about our odds already,” she said glibly as they entered the store. 

As with the other one, the staff was pleasant and helpful. The man who assisted Kaidan on his first visit happened to be working, and swept over to offer assistance as soon as he registered their presence. Kaidan hadn’t been exaggerating about the selection; their inventory had to be twice the size of the first store, at least. Emily was very briefly overwhelmed and almost panicked trying to hide that fact from the charming, spit-polished associate. (Logan, she was pretty sure he’d introduced himself) Before she remembered she had some idea what she wanted and could narrow it down. “Nothing over 1.5 carats” cut the field quite a bit. Even if Kaidan could afford it, she didn’t want a big ring. “Oval or marquise cut” shrank the options even further, as did “diamond and emerald combination”.

“Do you know which you prefer for the main stone?” Logan asked, displaying a few options of a large diamond set with small emeralds, alongside a few of the reverse. Both were gorgeous, and Emily hesitated as she looked between them.

Kaidan’s omnitool beeped while she was deliberating. He pushed to his feet and gave Emily’s arm a squeeze. “Better take this; I’ll be right back.”

He stepped away for the call, but she found herself half-listening in as she looked at the rings, trying to decide which arrangement she liked better. His tone was curious but relaxed as he answered.

“Maybe you should just show me what you have in both arrangements,” Emily said to Logan. “I can’t really say I have a preference between them, overall.”

“Of course.” He started withdrawing rings to show them.

Her focus, however, shifted as Kaidan’s tone went agitated. “Mom, slow down-  what’s wr-  Are you saying-?” He rubbed his temples. “Alright, give us time to get home.”

Emily gestured to Logan. “Sounds like we have something of an emergency brewing, you might want to hold off.” She looked longingly at two of the rings in particular. “Any chance you could hold those for a day or so?” she asked, pointing them out as Kaidan returned.

“Certainly,” Logan said, masking his disappointment at the lack of an immediate sale well. “What’s the name?”

“Shepard,” Emily said, ignoring his wide-eyed moment of recognition to turn to Kaidan. “I overheard a bit. Take it we need to leave?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Kaidan included her and Logan both in his apologetic smile.  “Mom’s too worked up to say what’s wrong, just that she needs us back ASAP.”

“Family first,” Emily said, disengaging her wheel locks as her mind raced to figure out what could get this sort of reaction from Rae. “Thank you so much for your help, Logan, and hopefully we’ll see you again soon.”

“Hopefully,” he replied, perhaps the barest trace glib, giving a polite wave of farewell as he watched them exit the store.

Neither of them spoke until ensconced in a cab.

“Your dad?” Emily asked, reaching for Kaidan’s hand. She remembered losing her own father, prayed to high heaven Kaidan wasn’t about to learn that pain.

He took her hand and clung to it, swallowing hard. “Only thing I can think of that would rattle her this much,” he muttered.  “Em, it’s been.... presumed for months, but if this is confirmation...”

Emily squeezed his hand back fiercely and they were silent the rest of the way home.

---

They found Rae pacing frazzled circles in the living room, Harmony tight on her heels and whining as she picked up the emotional distress and wanted to help soothe it. She jerked to a stop. “There you are!”

“Mom, what happened?!” Kaidan demanded, brow furrowed in concern. He moved toward her once sure Emily was secure.

Rae let out a deep, uneven sigh. “...It’s your father.”

Emily bit her lip as she watched Kaidan tense.

“Did they find him?” he asked. “Is he...” The words trailed off as if unsure whether to reach for hope or realism at this point. 

“I don’t know,” Rae said helplessly. She ran shaking hands through her hair, twisting a section around her fingers. It was, Emily noted absently, the first time she’d seen Rae’s hair down and it was longer than she’d expected. Nearly waist-length. “Someone called, I didn’t catch the name and the connection was.... was patchy from the get-go. They confirmed who I was and said they had news about my.. about Tom.” She gathered her hair in one hand and twisted it in a quasi-ponytail over her shoulder. “Then the damn call dropped and I haven’t heard anything else!”

Kaidan glanced at Emily as he stepped forward to pull his mother into a hug. She had a sneaking suspicion he was intimately familiar with that horrible so-close almost-knowing.

“Mom, it’ll be alright,” he soothed. “We know they have news, and that they know how to reach us.” He rubbed her arms.” And I assume you tried to call back?”

“Static,” Rae mumbled into his shoulder.

“We know comms have been down all over, they probably just got them back and are dealing with kinks-”

Rae’s hand flew up to cover his mouth, her other twitching toward her ear.  “Hello?”

Emily and Kaidan both froze. Oh, please...

“Yes, this is she... Our call dropped out...” Rae’s hand moved from covering Kaidan’s mouth to squeeze his arm. “...no, I understand... Mmhm. You-” She stood very, very still, fingers digging into Kaidan’s arm. A kaleidoscope of emotion flew across her face, the corners of her mouth quivering, but Emily couldn’t tell which way they were trying to curve. “And his.. he’s where?”

Emily held her breath. Oh please, oh please, oh please.

“Thank you, Lieutenant Commander,” Rae said, breath starting to come in a rush. “Mhm. Thank you so much.” She covered her mouth with her hand as the call disconnected, gaze meeting Kaidan’s. “He’s alive,” she managed, voice thick, before collapsing against his chest, relieved sobs shaking her shoulders.

The raw emotion and overwhelming relief that flashed in Kaidan’s eyes as he hugged his mother close drove Emily’s held breath from her lungs in a rush. “Oh, thank God.”

“You said it,” Kaidan muttered with a stunned chuckle, smile slowly spreading across his face as the news sank in. “Mom, did they say anything else? Is he hurt, is he coming home?”

Rae straightened, semi-composing herself, though the huge grin refused to go away. “No, they know he’s alive because he ‘made contact’, but his team was far afield and still picking their way back. There were injuries, but the base doesn’t know the spread or extent. So I don’t know if he’s one of the injured or how bad it might be.”

“We can find out details later,” Kaidan said, hugging her again. “This is... more than enough for now.”

“Damn straight,” Rae said with a shaky laugh. “I’m breaking out champagne, it feels warranted.”

“We’ll meet you on the deck,” Kaidan said, moving toward Emily’s wheelchair as Rae headed for the kitchen.

Emily had the wheels unlocked and was moving toward the door even before he reached her. Mo followed close behind them.

“How’re you doing, babe?” she asked, once they were outside.

“Stunned,” Kaidan admitted as he dropped into one of the chairs. Mo shoved her head in his lap and he half-smiled as he roughed her ears. “Overjoyed, obviously, but...” he exhaled, meeting Emily’s eye. “I figured I used up all my miracles, Em. I got you back twice, survived Mars, Biotics Division is still mostly intact... How lucky is one guy allowed to get, you know?”

She met his disbelieving smile with a soft one of her own. “Maybe this one’s your mom’s miracle. And anyway, I wouldn’t call it luck. Considering the Alenko I’ve had the honor and pleasure of knowing for a good long while is resilient as hell and good at inspiring leadership, can’t say I’m surprised your dad’s the same.”

Kaidan laughed. “This the part where I say I came by it honestly?” He ran his hand through his hair. “Though knowing Dad, he’s gonna be one of the injured, prob’ly from protecting someone else, so we’ll have to see how bad that is...”

“Maybe you should rename this place the Alenko Home for Invalids or something,” Emily teased, rolling her chair back and forth before reaching for his hand. “It’ll be fine, Kay. Where’s there life there’s hope and all.” She looked out over the orchard toward the distant, barely-visible reconstruction work. “And I know, better than most, you can come back from just about anything with a good support system. Think your dad’s gonna be just as lucky as I am in that regard.” She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek just as Rae joined them, bottle and glasses in hand.

“Not the best vintage,” she laughed, grinning as she set the glasses on the table. “But I frankly don’t care right now.” She popped the bottle and started pouring. “To good news.”

“And optimism,” Kaidan added, taking the glass she handed him. “Good job hanging on to yours, Mom.”

“Thanks, hon.” Rae poured glasses for herself and Emily as well. “Sometimes that’s all you can do, grit your teeth and hope.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Emily laughed. She squeezed Kaidan’s hand and held up her glass. Hope as a last resort was a strategy both knew well, though rarely did it pay such miraculous dividends.

She was glad it had, though, Emily mused as they toasted and drank. She’d swear there was a difference with the tension of that looming question gone. Like the weight of one burden among several had lifted from Kaidan’s shoulders, and his mother’s, too. Sure, it wasn’t likely to be smooth sailing, for Tom or Emily herself, or even the galaxy as a whole, but they had each other and they’d make it through. She looked down at the ring on her hand.

Hard, easy, and everything in between.

[pleb-the-original]

Day 27: Suggestion

(So I haven’t done this in a hot minute. Yeah sorry about that but I’ll try to get the rest of these knocked out so I can move on to the next list which will definitely not be done by the end of June. So now, my suggestion. I asked some friends in discord and one told me Eddie the Yeti. Like from the DKC tv show. I figured I could work with that since I already had the idea of Freezie demons being the cause of those sightings. But somehow, maybe it was the song associated with him, but my mind went to music. Something about the idea of this yeti just screamed jazz to me. So instead of investigating cryptid stuff, this became an exercise in using as much jazz slang as possible. You’re welcome.) Hey hey hey! What’s hopping hop cat? An interview? Yeah I’m down for a goof. Folks call me Eddie the Yeti. Been Eddie ever since I picked up my axe. Yeti part just comes from my time up on Everest. Ah naw, they ain’t all me. I’ve known plenty of other guys like me who’ve been used as Yeti sightings. Word of wisdom baby doll, every single sighting of cryptid apes up there are all us furball Freezies. I’ve known a few fly pals in my time who’ve been responsible for sightings. Even the old crumbs in the crowd sometimes get their time as a Yeren or a Yowie. Fine, we can continue. Ya don’t have to give me the icy mitt here. Chill Chops? Doll, I'm the founder of this place! This club has been my crib since I started to feel the jazz in my soul. Contrary to popular belief, Freezies like me go out onto the mortal realm all the time. See once again the worldwide cases of giant apes. I’ve always been a city slicker at heart. My vibe is with the crowd. However I never knew how to get anyone to actually stick around until that fateful day I decided to hop in a place to see if they had anything good in the ol’ gutbucket. I dunno if it was just the talent of the man on stage or the alcohol making his song sound so much sweeter, but when I heard my first tune up there it practically rewired my soul man. I spent all the kale I had with me to keep drinking there just so they wouldn’t kick me out. I mean he was bad, badder than bad. Practically the cat’s meow! So I bought an axe the moment I got more kale and set to work. Course at first I was nothin’ more than a rusty gate. The boogie men back then were brutal to me, both down here and up there. But I kept at it. Now I’m smokin’ every moment I hit the stage. Then I needed to find the rest of the band. That was actually the easiest part, I just accepted anyone who could play a good lick. Personally, my guy on tubs is probably the best however. Then we set up shop right down here in the Dark Market. Down here, I don’t have to worry about voot or needing a fancy zoot. All I need is to make sure the java is rolling and the barnburners keep coming. Aw c’mon doll, stick around a while. I can show ya some real hot stuff. (Don’t worry guys about the ending there, he just played a sax solo. But this was an interesting case. I am excited for all of us to track the musical development in hell. I could do without the flirting though. My body may not be as slick as it used to be, but my claws still lingered to tear his stupid smug smile in two with all that flirting. There is still that news about the percentage of furred Freezies that have contributed to ape cryptid sightings. I guess the guy back at home base might be correct, every initial sighting of an ape cryptid was a Freezie. We really need to report more on their impact on everything. I mean we only just released the article about the Freezie and their hellhound that caused the Dyatlov Pass incident! But I’ll save the rest of my grievances when I get this organized. -Kana′tĭ

[panharmonium]

Hi! It’s me again. I was really happy when I saw your reply, and I’ve been meaning to write a response to it this whole time, but the past few weeks have been so hectic, and I haven’t found the time to sit down and write out my thoughts in a somewhat coherent way :(

I really really want to continue watching Naruto right now.. but I find that I can’t handle the workload from uni yet, and I have a bunch of exams and resits coming up in the next few months. I know the next part is going to be really exciting and that there are some major plotpoints and long awaited backstories that will finally be revealed. And especially because of that I think I’ll try and wait until the all important exams are finished to continue, because I know I would be way to invested :’)

So I’ll probably be back in a few months, if you don’t mind and are still interested in talking about it then😳 And I want to write a response to your previous reply after I’m done with the exam next week and can organise my thought a bit better:)

(On a happier note: I’m in med school right now, and the whole situation with covid sucked. But this series has really motivated me to get through it and appreciate the courses(also because I felt so unsure at first with all the online lessons and sitting at home). Especially cool medic characters like Tsunade and Sakura.

My main complaint with the first part of Naruto was also the lack of development of the female characters, but I really liked what they did with Sakura at the beginning of Shippuden. Because how I saw it was that she was in a team with two other by no means ‘normal’ kids, one having the sharingan and the other having a literal tailed beast inside him, whereas she is just a normal person. And I like how she had enough of not being able to really help the others in fights, stepped up at the end of part one and decided to hone her own own talents (especially her accurate control of chakra), to be able to contribute to the team in her own way. I dunno seeing her do the operation on Kankuro in the first arc just made me so happy and her development helped me find motivation for my own major again and made me realise how I can contribute to society later, if I managed to stay in med school :)

I just hope that they don’t mess up her character development later on. I was honestly so frustrated when she still said she loved Sasuke and believed in him so much after she, Naruto and Kakashi meet Sasuke for the first time in Shippuden and Sasuke tries to murder her in cold blood..

But anyways sorry for the rant🤗

Oh and also, I wanted to ask, where do you read the manga? I’ve been thinking about buying the box set, but sometimes I feel like the translations by viz feel a bit off?

Hi again!  No worries about the delayed response; I was off tumblr for a couple weeks myself, so I’m super late getting to this also!

Sakura in Season 1 is SO GREAT.  S1 of Shippuden as a whole is just so good; I came out of early Naruto expecting kind of more of what we’d already seen before, but then Shippuden started and I was like “wait.  wait this is....legitimately awesome.  this is an entirely different show!!!”  Not that Part 1 was bad - I love it now, in its own way - but Shippuden legitimately grabbed my interest without me having to do any extra work.  I was hooked from the first minute.

(Hearing you talk about med school and being inspired by Sakura and Tsunade is making me think of another thing from this show that I expect you’ll like, but I think it’s past the point where you’ve paused in your watching; so I won’t say anything about it other than to agree with you - they are awesome!)

Re: that Team 7 reunion arc - yeah, that was a tough one!  (It was really good, but ouch, the emotions...)  Sakura’s arc in those episodes doesn’t bother me, personally, just because I think the fact that she and Naruto and Kakashi never fully give up on Sasuke is the point of the show - it’s what I expected from them, all the way from the beginning.  I do think Sakura still undergoes a significant arc in those episodes - I love the fact that this whole arc is preceded by her grappling with an attempt to give up on him - to kill him, in fact - in order to relieve the burden that Naruto is carrying (and that Kakashi tries to then assume in both of their places, to spare them the horror).  The ruthlessness she displays in pursuit of that goal (using and discarding her teammates, lying to her friends and teachers, preparing to carry out a literal assassination) and the way she tries to do everything completely on her own is totally unprecedented behavior for her, and you can see how much of an impact Sai’s confrontation had on her - she feels like she isn’t justified in trying to save Sasuke anymore (or asking other people to try to save him on her behalf) because he just keeps hurting the people she cares about no matter how much they try to help him.  She thinks it’s her job to clean up this mess.  But it’s like - well, I want to compare this to something from later in the show, but I’ll refrain and just say that Sakura, in trying to kill Sasuke, is trying to do something that goes fundamentally against her nature, something that will cause her unspeakable pain, and the fact that she can’t do it is something that I appreciate, personally.  That’s the story we were set up for at the beginning of the show.  That’s what the bells arc was laying the groundwork for.  That’s the story I signed up for.  It’s what I expect to happen.  

(Does Sasuke deserve that kind of love from her?  No, maybe not, not at that moment.  But I think the point of this particular fictional story is that sometimes people love us better than we deserve, and that this kind of radical love can save us.)

So that’s why it doesn’t bother me, personally.  But I also think it’s fine to have complicated feelings about it - the characters involved certainly do! :)

Re: the manga - I work at a library, so I borrowed copies from within my library network.  I understand the translation frustration - I speak multiple languages, and while I love having that background, it does mean that I experience a special kind of angst when I’m working with a language I don’t have a working knowledge of and can’t just look up the source word being used in a given situation and understand the specific connotation/association behind it.  I prefer to do close readings of texts when I’m analyzing media, but that’s not remotely accurate when working with multiple translations that don’t always agree (eg, the dub, the sub, the manga), so I’ve had to just try to relax and let that frustration go. X)

I’ll probably be back in a few months, if you don’t mind and are still interested in talking about it then

Of course!  My Naruto obsession is not fading anytime soon; you are welcome to come back and chat about it anytime! :D

[rhapsodyinprogress]

Sometimes I need to do a stream of consciousness blog post so my brain will stop fixating on whatever though train is looping through it and this is one of those times.

Behind the cut, for those curious to read, is me babbling about finishing my first full length original novel and why I’m losing my mind about it right now.

So, yes, I wrote a book! I have been “writing a book” for almost as long as I’ve been alive it feels like, but I have never actually finished anything aside from various bits of short fictions and, like, fanfic (anyone who follows me on AO3 or ff.net knows I am not even particularly prolific in these areas).

Anyway, lots of things contributed to my 0% completion rate, but a lot of it was ADHD that I didn’t know I had until...you know...February of this year, and then the rest was anxiety. I overthink. I convince myself I’m terrible, I get distracted I give up. Wash, rinse, repeat.

So since March of 2020 aside from, you know, ALL THE EVERYTHING, my grandma died and I was (and continue to be) brutally mistreated at my job and I finished three fanfics in four months and none of those things seems related until you understand that: a) all I have ever wanted to be was a writer but I convinced myself it was impossible because I never finish anything and am probably not talented (thanks brain) b) The though of leaving my terrible job for another similar job fills me with a creeping, fathomless dread and c) My grandma asked me every single time we talked if I’d finished my book yet and then she died before I got a chance to tell her that yes, I had.

Add in a pandemic putting into perspective what I actually give a shit about (hint - it is NOT being a 5-star hotel chain’s little whipping girl) and learning a lot about what I need to do to trick my hyper focus into GETTING SHIT DONE, basically I wrote a book.

It took nine and a half months. It did not “pour out of me” like many author’s claim their books do. In fact, most of his was wrenched, screaming from my brain in fits and starts. But I was patient and gave myself grace and finished my book.

I am very, very proud of finishing. I am also very very proud of my book. Because - and I need you all to understand that me saying this is like ripping out my heart and laying it in the middle of a road - it’s good. I don’t ever think ANYTHING I do is good. But I think my book is good.

I have now had four beta readers go over my manuscript and their feedback is... kind of mind blowing. Talking kindly about myself makes me really uncomfortable (Like, I’m cringing as I write this because I’m sure people are going to take this as a humble brag or just a straight brag, I dunno) But like... let’s just say they have all universally told me that the book is good as well. It’s not just in my head. 

ANYWAY. So now I have this book. I have a finished book. I have the outline for two three more books tucked away assuring me that this was not a fluke, I will be able to do this again. I can be an author. For real. If I can find someone to publish me.

And I have this like... Deep Existential Terror (TM) about it. It’s really hard to explain. It’s feels like... it feels like this is my ONE CHANCE to fulfill my deepest most secret most important dream. Like I have this finished book, and it’s not a shitty finished book, it’s GOOD and people might really want to read it.

And I guess I’m basically freaking out? Like, now it’s researching agents and writing query letters (OH MY GOD I HATE QUERY LETTERS) and doing up my long and short synopsis (ALSO OH MY GOD HATE) and it’s like... I feel like so much is riding on whether or not I succeed with THIS book.

That’s so stupid. I know it’s so stupid. I can’t pin every single hope and dream on this one book. I can’t expect to just go *poof* instant success just because I finished something decent. I don’t know what’s wrong with me except that probably I’m just so desperate to escape my current employment circumstances that I’m fixating. 

And the problem when I fixate like this is that I invariably send myself into an anxiety death spiral, which is precisely the OPPOSITE of what I need.

Anyhoo, I don’t know what my point actually is just that I am STRESSED and my brain is FRUSTRATING. 

/end freak out

[c-optimistic]

seconded! you hit vibes that can't be articulated. do you have any recs for those who have read yours over and over and wished there was more? (not in a demanding way, more a are there similar writers way)

I’m one of a kind ;)

hahaha no I'm joking I dunno what you mean exactly by vibes or similar writers, and I don’t say this out of my crippling anxiety (though it definitely contributes), but I kinda consider myself very average and no other writer is similar because they’re all so much better. I also don’t really read much fanfic anymore. that being said, I think @vox-ex writes incredibly beautiful stuff (like genuinely poetic?) that you can find here. recently read something by @the-ominous-owl which was fantastic and wonderful and you can find it here. there’s also this fic by @bm-binger which I love. 

there are also plenty of writers who could post anything and i’d rec it even before reading because they’re like that good: @c--and--b, @spaceman-earthgirl, @melui-the-ravenclaw, @gveret-fic, @fancyfanstuff, @deadbiwrites, @ancneun, @lenadoyle, @littlemousejelly, @oreoambitions, @stennnn06, the three writers I listed above, and so so many more because there is an abundance of talent and I love them all. I also sometimes worry we don’t give some writers the exposure they deserve and we tend to mention the same people/fics again and again which is like cool and all but ooof. 

anyway I hope that helps. go forth and spread the love anon!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

[clumsyclifford]

hi i have some continued thoughts about the gif set i made earlier but i’m just thinking about like baby boys writing nothing personal and jack just like feeling really down on himself one day bc he doesn’t know what he’s contributing and alex tells him he named this song for him bc he is so important i don’t know there are so many THOUGHTS TO BE HAD why are they like this

hi paige i don’t know if this was supposed to be a prompt but i took it as one because i’m me hope that’s okay <3 (also here is the gifset in question, warning for max damage)

read it here on ao3

-

“Hey, where’d Jack go?”

Flyzik looks up from his laptop and glances around the control room. “I dunno,” he says. “I thought he was here.”

“I leave for two minutes,” Alex says, sighing exasperatedly. “We need to put a bell on that kid.”

“Believe me, if I could, I would,” says Flyzik, returning to the all-important task of probably talking shit on Twitter or whatever he does when he’s taking up studio space. 

Squire, whose playing had been arrested upon Alex’s re-entry, starts the guitar line from the top. The unfinished track fills the small room. Alex considers handcuffing him just so he’ll stop playing that one fucking guitar part.

At this rate, he’ll be sick of the song before it’s even released.

“I’m going to find Jack,” he announces, not that anyone cares. In a halfway attempt at defiance, or being annoying, or whatever, he snatches Flyzik’s coffee mug off the table.

“Hey,” Flyzik says half-heartedly without looking up. “Give that back.”

“You’re fired,” Alex informs him.

“Joke’s on you, I quit this morning,” says Flyzik.

Alex rolls his eyes and leaves the control room.

There’s really only one place Jack is likely to be (okay, two places, but Alex has just come from the bathroom and he’d been the only one in there). Alex heads for the lounge. The TV is on, playing a commercial for mattresses. Occupying the entire length of the couch:

“Jack,” Alex says. “Where’d you go, man, I thought we were working on the song.”

Jack makes no indication that he's heard Alex at all.

“Dude,” Alex says, coming into the room and facing Jack. The way Jack is slumped into the cushions, it looks like he’s been lying here all day, not for two minutes. “Were you just waiting for me to go to the bathroom so you could bail?”

Jack shoots him a glare, but again says nothing. Alex frowns.

“Are you good?” he asks, sinking to the floor with his legs crossed. He sets Flyzik’s coffee on the table at his side. “Is something wrong?”

Jack groans. “Can you leave me alone?”

“Hey,” Alex says, hurt. “What —” He breaks off. Obviously Jack doesn’t want company — or at least not Alex’s company, which stings — and if Alex doesn’t want to be a dick, he should leave. 

Except Jack is already kind of being a dick. So.

“Dude,” Alex says again. Jack keeps his eyes on the TV over Alex’s head. “Can you at least look at me?”

“I’m just taking a break, what’s the big deal?” Jack mutters.

“The big deal is you were fine five minutes ago when we were tracking the guitar,” Alex says irritably. “I leave for two seconds and when I come back you’re gone? ‘Taking a break’?”

“Yes, Alex, I came to jerk off in peace,” Jack snaps. “So can you piss off?”

Alex huffs. “Stop being an asshole when I’m just trying to understand what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong, dude!” Jack finally looks at him, though it’s clear he would rather not be. “You don’t need me to finish the song, okay? You have Squire to do the guitar, and if he can’t do it then you will, so I’m just gonna sit this one out, alright?”

Alex stares at him. “The fuck do you mean, we don’t need you to finish the song? You need to learn it. And Squire’s just doing the demo track anyway. Meaning technically he doesn’t need me for it, either.”

“Alex, you wrote the fucking song.” Jack crosses his arms. “It wouldn’t exist without you. Unlike me.”

“You…would exist without me?”

Jack glares at him, again. “No, the song would still exist without me. And it would have a guitar part, without me. I know my role in the band, Alex, I’m not getting any ideas, okay? I’m the one who makes inappropriate jokes on Twitter and collects bras during shows. I don’t contribute in the studio.”

The gears in Alex’s brain grind loudly to a halt. “You don’t — what? What?”

Jack draws his knees up to his chest and looks back up at the TV. “Am I wrong?”

“Uh, yes?!” Alex says emphatically. “Extremely wrong, what the fuck? Since when is this a thing? You really feel this way?”

“Oh my God, it’s not a big deal,” Jack grumbles. 

“It’s a big deal to me,” Alex retorts. “You think you don’t contribute when we’re in the studio? You’re, like, the reason most of these songs get made. If you weren’t here we’d still be on our first record.”

“You don’t need to therapy me,” Jack says dully. “I’m fine with it.” 

Which is obviously not true. Jack’s shuttered expression and bitchy attitude don’t exactly communicate ‘fine.’

“I’m not trying to ‘therapy’ you,” Alex says, making air quotes. “Whatever the fuck that means. I’m trying to tell you something you should already know.”

Jack sighs wearily. Somehow he seems to sink deeper into the couch, like whatever’s weighing him down is only getting heavier. “Alex, it’s fine.”

“Stop saying it’s fine,” Alex says sharply. “It’s not fine. Did someone say something when I left? Is that why the mood whiplash?” There’s no way. Squire would never, and Flyzik hadn’t even been on the same planet. Not that Flyzik ever would, either, but then again, they make a lot of fucking jokes around here. Sometimes the kind of joke that hits a little too close to home. Call it an occupational hazard of living and working with a bunch of guys in their early twenties; none of them really know when to stop.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. 

Jack’s gaze flits between Alex and the TV, which has really been playing commercials for far too long. He seems to realize he’s not going to escape this conversation, and with an almighty sigh grabs the remote and hits mute.

“No one said anything, okay?” There’s a pause. Alex waits patiently while Jack gathers his thoughts. “It was just that, like, you were there, and we were joking around, and then you left, and like…Squire kept playing the part, Flyzik was still on fucking MySpace or whatever, and, like, I don’t know. It just felt like if I left it wouldn’t matter, so I did.” He barks a humorless laugh. “And I was right. It didn’t matter.”

“It mattered to me,” Alex says. “I came back and you had abandoned me with Squire and Flyzik. You think I want to be stuck with them?” 

One corner of Jack’s mouth pulls up, barely, then drops down again. “I’m fine,” he says a third time. “You can go back and finish tracking the lead. Just call me when you need me for something.”

Alex considers this. “You know, I could use a break, while I’m here.” He takes a sip of Flyzik’s coffee, which is absolutely disgusting and also room temperature at this point. Jack frowns at him.

“You’re in the middle of demo-ing a song,” he says flatly. “‘Best Friend Knows,’ right?”

“Well, as you so eloquently pointed out, Squire can track the guitar,” Alex says. “And in fact is tracking the guitar. And has been for half an hour. He doesn’t need me for it, either.”

“But that’s not the fucking same and you know it. You wrote the song.”

“Yeah, so what? It’s not that great of a song. Anyone could have written it. I bet Andrew has fifty better songs in his back pocket.”

“But Andrew isn’t in the band,” Jack says. “The whole point is they’re your lyrics that you write for your band.”

“And you play the guitar,” Alex counters, raising his eyebrows at Jack. “Yeah, there are a billion songwriters and guitarists in the world. Anyone can play guitar, but there’s only one All Time Low guitarist, and it’s you. You’re our guy, Jack. You brought the band together, you keep it together, and you keep us moving forward. So what if you’re not writing lyrics? There’s way more to being in a band than writing the fucking lyrics. I promise you, man, without you we’d still be playing the fucking Dulaney Talent Show. We’d be fucking nowhere. We definitely wouldn’t be in L.A. recording our second full-length studio album.”

Silence falls as Alex’s words hang in the air. They’re both quiet for a moment. The Red Bull fridge buzzes in the background, and even more faintly comes the sound of Squire relentlessly playing the same lead part for what has to be the millionth time. 

“If you say so,” Jack finally says, although he doesn’t really seem to believe it. 

“I do,” Alex says firmly. Jack is the heart of the band more than anyone else, the beating pulse that keeps them alive no matter what shit gets thrown their way. When they were traveling from venue to venue in a shitty van, Jack was the one who kept spirits high. In their earliest days, Jack had held them together like glue, as if he could tell that something really special would happen as long as he didn’t let them go.

And he’d been right. There’s no All Time Low without Jack. That’s always been obvious to Alex.

“I think it’s an awesome song,” Jack quietly adds, as an afterthought. “No one else could’ve written it, so take that shit back.”

“Mediocre at best,” Alex says. “But there’s still time to make it better.”

“I like it,” Jack insists. “It’s cool. You’re a good songwriter.”

Alex waves a hand. “All the good lines are from Squire.”

“Well, I don’t know any of the words,” Jack says, a hint of his usual dry humor making a comeback. “But I bet that’s not true. All the best lines always come from you.”

“They’re meh. There’s not even a good line for a title. ‘What Your Best Friend Knows’ is just the most repeated line, but like, I don’t know. It’s boring.”

“So just call it something else,” Jack says. “The title doesn’t have to come from the song. You might have heard of a little album called From Under The Cork Tree? It’s by this super underground band, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them.”

Alex laughs a little. “Yeah, okay. I guess.”

Another pause fills the room. Finally Jack says, “If you want to hang out, you can, but stop trying to therapy me.”

“I’m not trying to therapy you! It’s called being your friend, you dumbass.”

“Well, cut it out,” Jack deadpans. There’s the Jack Alex knows. 

Alex smiles at him, even though he knows it makes him look very sincere, more sincere than Jack probably wants from him. “You made your band bed,” he says. “Now you have to lie in it.” He half-stands and clambers onto the couch, and Jack stretches his legs over Alex’s lap. “What are we watching?”

“I don’t know,” Jack says, reaching for the remote. “It’s been commercials since I got here.”

“Jesus Christ, don’t these people have anything better to do than advertise all day every day?” Jack unmutes the TV. An episode of a show neither of them know is playing. Alex rolls his eyes. “Which channel is playing Lost reruns, do you think?”

“Only one way to find out,” Jack says, raising the remote like a wand. “Hope you brought a board ‘cause it’s time for some channel surfing.”

“Oh my God, you’re so lame.”

Jack snickers. “Maybe there’ll be a line you can use for the song title. Like a ‘Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner’-type thing.”

“In Lost?” Alex says skeptically. 

“Maybe, you don’t know.”

Alex highly doubts Lost will have any cool one-liners that could double as song titles, but it’s not a bad idea, pulling an iconic movie quote the way Fall Out Boy did on Cork Tree. The gimmick isn’t really the All Time Low style, but there’s a first time for everything.

Besides, Alex thinks, glancing over at Jack, whose attention is trained on the TV, I think I know the perfect movie.

—

“What?”

They’re back in the studio the following day. After yesterday’s minor emotional hurdle, Jack seems to be doing much better. Right now his eyes are wide in surprise as he stares at Alex.

“‘Keep The Change’ —”

“I know the quote,” Jack interrupts, a smile stretching over his face. “That’s the name? Of the song?”

Alex grins. “Has a cool ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? This is the best day of my life,” Jack enthuses, beaming. 

Alex shrugs. “Well, someone gave me the great idea to use a movie quote for a title. This felt fair.”

“Alex, I literally love you so much, you don’t even know,” Jack says. “Just for this, I’m giving you my firstborn.”

“If you ever have children, God save us all,” Flyzik says dryly from the far side of the room. He’s not wrong, but Jack doesn’t even act offended, still caught up in the excitement of the song title. 

“Hey,” Alex says in a low voice, kicking lightly at Jack’s leg. “For the record, I’d never in a million years have thought to use a movie quote title.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Jack says.

Alex gives him a meaningful look. “That’s my point, man. Next time you think you’re not contributing, just remember this, alright?”

The shadow of realization passes over Jack’s face, and he shakes his head incredulously. “You are such a piece of shit,” he says, although he doesn’t seem upset. “This was just to make a point?”

“I didn’t do it to make a point,” Alex says. “I did it because it was a good idea. But it does make a point, because you thought you weren’t contributing in the studio, and this is proof that you are.”

Jack sighs. “Point taken.” A little bit of humility colors his expression. “Thanks.”

Alex gives him a cheeky smile. “You are welcome,” he says airily, and throws an arm over Jack’s shoulders. “And now I think we both have some guitar parts to learn, am I right?”

“Yup,” says Squire, as if he’d just been waiting for his cue. “Jack, you wanna track this?”

Jack glances over at Alex, who grins. “Yeah,” he says, stepping forward and taking the guitar out of Squire’s hands. “I’d love to.”

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

Everybody Hurts

Leif wasn’t sure what caused this. He wasn’t even sure there was one thing that caused it. It was probably more of a series of small things- throwaway comments and eye rolls and whispers behind his back. All Leif knew is that somehow he’s ended up in an isolation pod having what is probably the worst panic attack of his life.

He’s not good enough. Not good enough to work at SPRQ point, not good enough to be a part of the Donnelly family, not good enough for Tobin Batra (although Leif really doesn’t want to think about his crush right now), not good enough for anyone he works with, not good enough to even exist.

Leif didn’t know how to be better. He didn’t know how when the way he showed himself to others was so different than how he really was. He’s heard it over and over again, that he’s smug and overly ambitious and cocky and alienating, etcetera, etcetera. He doesn’t want to be those things, doesn’t try to be those things, he isn’t even sure that he is those things. But it’s too late for that now. Plus, he can guarantee that everyone he works with would much rather put up with the smug and obnoxious Leif Donnelly than the small, broken, anxious Leif Donnelly. 

So those are his two options, huh? To be a jerk of a person that everyone hates or be himself and have everyone pity him or think he’s unable to work properly. At least jerk Leif gets his work done, and gets it done good. If Leif takes even a second out of his work day to be alone with his thoughts, it’s impossible to get anything done. 

He isn’t sure how long he sits in that pod, tears streaming down his face, his whole body shaking, drowning in thoughts like those. All he knows is before he’s even remotely pulled himself together, there’s a knock on the outside of the pod.

He doesn’t respond, doesn’t trust himself to say anything without revealing the pain in his voice.

The person knocks again.

“Leif?” It’s Tobin. “Bro, I know you need time alone sometimes, and I wasn’t going to bother you, but you’ve been in here for an hour and I’m really concerned.”

Leif still says nothing, blinking back even more tears. He doesn’t want anyone pretending to care about him right now. He knows they’re all lying.

“Dude I really don’t want to overstep boundaries, but I need you to say something or I’m going to open the pod. Not even say something, just make any indication that you’re alive, please.” Tobin sounds desperate and very, very worried. 

Great. The one person who Leif thought he hadn’t hurt. 

He doesn’t mean to say anything, he just wants Tobin to go away. But he’s never been very good at crying silently, and he must have let a sob be heard, because he hears Tobin breathe a sigh of relief.

“Leif! Oh thank god. Now can you please open up? We can go somewhere else to talk, or if you want we can even go home, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

The last thing Leif wants is for people at work to think he’s slacking off, but he has to admit that home sounds very nice right now. So, tentatively, he opens the pod.

Tobin’s face falls when he sees Leif, which only makes Leif cry more.

“H-hey Tobes.” He manages weakly, trying to wipe away his tears. He shakes his head desperately, attempting to get the image of Tobin’s disappointed face out of his head. He doesn’t need another reminder of how much he’s failed. 

“Leif, I need you to stand up and walk to the elevator. Can you do that for me? I can get your stuff, and I’ll tell Zoey you had a family emergency come up.”

Leif shakes his head a bit, trying to say that he shouldn’t go home, he needs to work, needs to prove himself worth something-

“Are you saying that you can’t do that? Because I could carry you, or get someone else to help, or… or something.”

“I shouldn’t leave.” Leif says in a small voice.

“No. You’re leaving. Listen to me, you need to go home right now, ok? You don’t need to suddenly feel better, but you need to be at home, where you have access to things that help you.”

Leif opens his mouth to try to argue, but all he gets is more sobs. He nods at Tobin. Slowly, he stands, and shakily begins to move to the elevator.

“I’ll be right there, ok dude? Don’t go anywhere, just wait for me.” Tobin moves to clap Leif’s shoulder but hesitates and rushes off towards his desk instead.

He tries not to focus on everyone’s stares as he walks away. Just looks down at his feet and focuses instead on trying to stop his crying. But Leif can still feel the stares, burning into his back. Feel the whispers. He can only imagine what they’re saying. What did he do wrong this time? I bet he’s upset about some stupid thing, like maybe he wore the wrong cardigan with the wrong socks. He can’t be actually upset. We all know Leif Donnelly doesn’t have emotions. He’s just an asshole who thinks he’s better than anyone else. Is he leaving for good? Good riddance. No one liked having him around anyway-

“Leif.” Tobin’s voice snaps Leif out of his spiral of dread, and he realizes he made it to the elevator. “I got your stuff, and Zoey’s fine with both of us leaving. Are you good to go?” 

Leif nods again, finding it the only form of communication he can do at the moment. Tobin gently guides him to the open elevator door, and they ride in silence the way down. They still don’t talk as Tobin grabs Leif’s bike and waits for the next bus. Usually Leif would protest at someone else handling his bike, or insist to ride it, or something of the sort, but he can’t find it in him to talk at all.

The bus ride is silent as well. Leif knows he hasn’t calmed down by any means, but he’s become a strange sort of numb. The part of his brain that can still think knows that he really doesn’t want to make even more of a scene in public than he already has. If he can make it home, he can scream and cry and do whatever he wants, and only Tobin will see. 

He’s still crying, he thinks. Leif can’t really tell anymore. He must be, though, because why else would Tobin carefully take his hand and rub circles on it with his thumb?

It feels nice. 

Really nice.

So nice that Leif’s panic is mildly and briefly overcome by love.

Emphasis on the mildly and briefly.

---

They arrive at the apartment, and Leif’s shaking so much he’s not sure he can make it up the stairs. But Tobin wraps an arm around him and helps him up, all while carrying their work stuff. 

Eventually they make it, after what feels like forever. Leif stares at the door. It seems like so long since he’s been here last. When he left for work this morning- only a few hours ago- he felt fine. What happened?

(He knows what happened. He knows that Zoey told him he needed to work harder. He knows that Mike rolled his eyes and walked away from him, commenting to Colin on how annoying Leif was. He knows that he was getting bombarded from texts from his brothers, “checking in on him” while in reality bragging about all their accomplishments and asking him how things were at his ‘tiny little tech place’. He knows, but he doesn’t want to think about it.)

Tobin opens the door and drops all their stuff, leading Leif to the couch. He lowers Leif onto it and moves towards the kitchen.

“Just stay there, ok? I’m going to get you some water.” Tobin pauses after pouring Leif a glass. “Do you think you can eat something?”

Leif shakes his head, already curled into himself on the couch.

“Okay.” Tobin sits next to him, setting Leif’s water on the table in front of them. “So. You’re home, you’re settled, you’ve got something to drink. Now do you think you can tell me what happened?” Tobin sounds firm, yet somehow still gentle. Like he knows that Leif might be unable to respond, and he respects that. 

“I…” Leif tries to form words, and instead the tears start forming again. “It’s nothing really, I just needed some space.” 

“Dude. You know that I trust you, and I know you do need space sometimes, but this is more than that. Can you please tell me?”

“Nothing happened!” Leif snaps. “It was just this stupid buildup, and everyone hates me, and I can’t focus anymore, and my stupid brothers-” He stops, rubbing desperately at his eyes in an attempt to stop crying. 

Tobin freezes. “What did your brothers do?”

“Nothing really, they’re just better than me and they’re successful, a-and my parents love them, and they’re happy, and- and they’re straight…” Leif isn’t sure that his bisexuality is really even a part of this specific issue, but it’s definitely a contributing factor of why his parents loved their youngest sons so much. 

Leif glances over at Tobin, who’s looking at him expectantly. He realizes that his friend wants him to keep talking, to keep telling him what exactly was going on in this fucked-up brain of his.

“So yeah, I’m just stressed about them, and family stuff, and everyone at work hates me. I already said that. Shit. I dunno, Tobes, it just feels like everything… like everything is falling apart and I’ve held my emotions in for seven years and I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to pretend. I want to be myself, but people will hate me even more if I do that.”

“Anything else?” Tobin jokes weakly.

 Leif takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I think that’s everything.”

“Do you want to talk to you? Or do you want to be alone, or have me distract you, or something else? I’ll do whatever you need.”

“I don’t care.” Leif stares blankly at the TV in front of him.

“Ok… I’m gonna talk then, ok?”

Leif nods, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

“Well, to start, not everyone hates you. I’m not going to tell you no one hates you, because honestly I don’t know if that’s true or not. I’m pretty sure it is though. You are an incredibly talented programmer, and you know as well as I do that SPRQ point wouldn’t be able to function without you. 

Next, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: fuck your family. Bro, you need to realize that you’re an adult now, you don’t owe them anything. Your brothers are assholes and they shouldn’t be constantly rubbing their achievements in your face. You’re super successful too, you know. Not many 28 year olds are working at a hella successful tech place in San Francisco. 

As for your parents… man, I don’t know what to do about them. But if I had to suggest something, I would suggest cutting them off for a bit. It’s not like you see them much anymore anyways. Maybe if you ignore them they’ll learn to stop treating you like dirt and then immediately begging for your forgiveness- which they don’t deserve, by the way. And Leif? Don’t listen to any of their homophobic bullshit. Your brothers’ success has nothing to do with them being straight. Literally like ninety percent of the people we work with aren’t straight. Your parents need to grow up and realize it’s 2020. 

Now…” Tobin pauses his speech. “Is it alright if I touch you?”

Leif manages this time to speak. “Yeah.”

Tobin puts both hands on Leif’s shoulders and turns him around so they’re facing each other.

“Listen. You don’t have to be afraid to be yourself. It’s alright if you are, but that shouldn’t stop you. You don’t have to change how you act at work, but if you feel this insincere, it’s probably good if you do. And believe me, no one will mind. You’re already amazing at work, don’t get me wrong, but people deserve to see how perfect you really are. They deserve to see the Leif who isn’t quiet, but instead won’t stop rambling about the things that make him happy. They deserve to see the way your eyes light up when you’re excited, the way you bite your lip and run your hands through your hair when you’re nervous or stressed. They deserve to see the Leif who jokes around and runs through his apartment singing along to the radio. And they deserve to see that you aren’t cocky, you aren’t smug, but instead you’re broken. You’re insecure. You’re anxious and fidgety and depressed, and you’re beautiful. None of those things mean you aren’t. And most importantly, you deserve to see all those things. You deserve to not hide, to not pretend, but to be proud of who you are.”

Tobin stops speaking, but is still holding Leif and staring at him intensely. Leif isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do. 

“Thanks.” He says, cringing internally. Thanks? Thanks?! Thanks for the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me?! 

Tobin laughs a little. “Anytime, dude.”

Leif lets his head fall onto Tobin’s shoulder, and he feels Tobin move to rub his back. Leif doesn’t know how he’s feeling anymore. He mostly just feels tired. And full of love for his best friend. 

“Hey L?” Tobin asks quietly after a few moments of sitting in silence.

“Yeah?” Leif replies, muffled by Tobin’s hoodie.

“People don’t hate you.”

Leif smiles a little, because against all odds, he believes Tobin. 

“Tobes?” Leif says, still pressed up against Tobin’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Leif.”

[bevvydraws]

This is going to be my feelings/opinions towards all of the main characters in Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc. This is directly related to my interpretation of events in the series! If you disagree with my thoughts/feelings that’s totally cool but this isn’t meant to be a debate! 

A lot has been going on right now and I don’t have the energy to do much digital art right now, so I figured I’d just open up a little more about one of my favorite series! Maybe I’ll do my opinions on characters for the other games next. 

** This post will contain information that will spoil the series for you, so continue at your own risk**

Makoto Naegi:

Honestly I really like Makoto. He is really average but honestly I think that’s what makes him so appealing. Not only that, but he comes off with a type of charisma that only “average” people can pull off. He has a base knowledge on a variety of subjects that allows him to talk to the other students. That and I find the concept of his “luck” very interesting. Also, side note, but that sprite of him focusing with his finger under his chin is probably one of my most favorite DR sprites ever. It’s just so cute! (I might redraw it someday hehe) 

10/10 

Aoi Asahina: 

While I adore Hina, I really wish that they would have made her more than just a ditzy character who was obsessed with donuts in this game. I loved her energy though! Her interactions with everyone always made me smile. My appreciation for her character just increased exponentially after watching the Despair Arc of Danganronpa 3. All in all I’m super glad that her character survived in THH.

8/10

Byakuya Togami: 

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about Byakuya. I think he’s a great antagonistic character, truly, but beyond that I’m not sure. I definitely think that his character is humbled throughout the course of the game, and in later games/animes he seems a lot less asshole-ish, but I’m not sure if I like him or hate him. I guess that just goes to show just how great he is as an antagonist. One thing I thought was hilarious though was how he casually admitted to being a true-crime nerd. I’m really glad he survived because I think his “talent” was really important for the Future Foundation. 

6/10

Celestia Ludenberg: 

Okay so real talk, I used to be a huge Celestia fan when I first stumbled across the series. But now, I don’t really like her character all that much. I think that out of all of the killers in THH her motive was the most shallow and that really is terrible considering how much potential she had. Her disconnect with her true identity could have made for an interesting character arc. And I really hate how they gave her literally the most complicated murder scheme when it would make sense for her to take a little risk as possible. Her character design is really cute though. 

5/10

Chihiro Fujisaki:

I think Chihro’s death was one of the hardest for me in the game. I played through all of his freetime events and was super attached to him (I know, a horrible idea in a game like DR), and as soon as he died I was just in shock. One thing I love about how they portrayed his character was truly allowing the brilliance of Chihiro shine through even after his death. He created the AI that not only helped aid in their escape, but ultimately saved Makoto's life. I also really liked the juxtaposition of Chihiro and Mondo (the seemingly weaker one ultimately being stronger after all). All in all, Chihiro is a great character. 

10/10

Hifumi Yamada:

I’m not really a fan of Hifumi, but I definitely think he gets wayy too much hate or just gets overlooked completely. I think that the creators leaned a bit too far into the stereotypes for him, and that made him come off as stiff and just… there. I knew from the very beginning that he wouldn’t survive, and honestly he’s the only character I had that feeling with (minus Leon). There are some quirks about him that I like, though, like how he never fails to refer to the others politely.

4/10

Kiyotaka Ishimaru:

So I originally found Taka annoying but after playing THH again he became one of my favorite characters. I find his enthusiasm adorable and his free time events boosted my admiration of him. He’s the only Ultimate that makes a conscious effort to prove himself and not rely on his prodigy-type status. And his relationship with Mondo, albeit short-lived, was so pure. It was so obvious to me that he was happy to have a friend (because Mondo is the first friend he’s ever had), and having that suddenly ripped away and listening to his desperation at the end of chapter 2 made me sob. 

10/10

Kyoko Kirigiri: 

Kiri’s background made me feel really sad for her. I first thought she was just the aloof, cold, smart type that was a bit snobbish. But then you realize that she’s been raised to not be in the spotlight, to work alone and without credit behind the scenes. Detective work is basically her birthright and she’s clung to that like a vice. Her character development throughout the game was really nice, and I think her and Makoto are super cute for each other. The side plot with her and her dad in DR3 made me really sad, too. I really liked overall that she was unapologetically holding true to her beliefs, even if it made her come off as cold. She was a solid, strong female character. 

8/10

Leon Kuwata:

It was super obvious from the beginning that Leon was gonna die. There was 0 attachment to his character for me and he just came off as just...kinda there. I don’t really have much to say about him, other than that I’m not a fan.

1/10

Mondo Owada: 

Mondo was such a big sweetheart in his freetime events. I thought his character was really well rounded and I was so sad that he ended up killing Chihiro. Despite that, I thought it worked really well for the story and played off of both of their weaknesses. Again I really loved his friendship with Taka, and having it formed and ended so quickly surprisingly hurt. 

8/10

Sakura Oogami: 

Honestly I didn’t like how they made her character the spy, because it seemed ridiculously out of character for her. Honestly I think this would be something better suited to Celeste, as she would view it as a way to increase her chances of living if she’s in “kahoots” with him. I dunno, I think the spy thing was unnecessary anyways. I loved her character though and her friendship with Hina was super cute. I also loved how they mentioned that she wanted to embrace her femininity while also not wanting to give up being the strongest person in the world. 

7/10 

Sayaka Maizono: 

Honestly even though I’m not the biggest fan of Sayaka I really like the role she played at the beginning and I think they played it off perfectly. Her desperation fueled by the fear and harsh reality that comes along show business and easily being forgotten really works in the narrative. She seemed like a well-rounded character but I think that if she had lasted past chapter 1 I would have liked her less. All in all her character did a great job of kicking off everything. 

6/10

 Toko Fukawa: 

I hate how they portrayed her character in THH, but her obsessive and odd behavior (outside of her split personality) is easily explained by her traumatic past. She obviously has a warped sense of what “love” is, and that plus her intense delusions turned into obsession for Byakuya. I started loving her character a lot more in UDG, when she started becoming more well rounded and open around Komaru. 

Also, I loved Genocider Syo’s personality. While I obviously don’t condone serial murders, I think that her character is extremely interesting. She doesn’t try and condone her own actions, admitting there is no rhyme or reason. Plus I think it’s really interesting that she considers herself a “professional” and is incredibly particular about the details. 

Overall 6/10 in THH

Yasuhiro Hagakure: 

I feel like Hiro gets a lot of shit as a character because they think he doesn’t contribute anything. I think he adds a lot of much-needed comic relief. Also I think that everyone glosses over the fact that once Taka goes silent he actually tries to encourage him to speak up again. And then tries to do his part and keep everyone together and upbeat. I really think that Hiro is a fun character who deserves more love, even though I can’t say he’s one of my favorites. 

7/10

Mukuro Ikusaba:

I wish Mukuro’s personality would have been able to actually show through in the game. The only glimpse we really see of it is in the bonus school mode while she is still posing as Junko. I wish in the anime they’d have harped less on her odd obsession with Junko and focused more on her internal struggle. I think her character has potential but I can’t say I was particularly attached to her (I suppose that was kind of the point, though). 

4/10

Junko Enoshima: 

Junko is probably one of the most well-written villains I have ever seen in a series. At first I thought it didn’t make sense, and was confused how one person could have so much influence on a mass amount of people. Then it was revealed in later installments that Ultimate Fashionista was not her real talent, just a cover she forged for herself to help her blend in to the school. Her real ultimate talent as the Ultimate Analyst allowed her to predict people’s actions and more importantly, their reactions. Her innate ability and incurable boredom made her seek out something unpredictable: despair and chaos. I think what made me love her as a villain was the line “You can’t argue with me, because there's no reason for anything that I do.” 

As a villain I give her 15/10. If I were to rank her as a person? -11037/10

Overall Opinion: 

I really find most of the characters charming but it’s super obvious when comparing this game to the others that these characters were not as fleshed out as characters in other games. I found it hard to be super attached to most of them and felt that some of their actions were really uncharacteristic. However I really do like the characters and what they add to the story, even if some of it doesn’t add up completely. I’m the least attached to these characters out of all of the characters in the DR series, although there are obviously some exceptions. I think there couldn’t have been a better opening cast of characters.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

[ambitionsource]

What’s your guys favourite front nine character? favourite recurring character? And Adult character? And why?

Dearest anon, you should know that the moment I showed this to Katie and Es all three of us were like “oh no” because choosing a favorite is like. So hard. It’s like pulling teeth. It feels downright impossible, especially when it comes to the front nine. And yet, and yet, we will do it anyway. Thanks for the challenge!

Katie (co-producer)

Favorite Front Nine: Farkle. Look, this was a tough call, but obviously it has to be Farkle. I love him so much it's unreal, in every universe. I think his depiction of mental illness is really real and important and relatable. I know he's kind of a villain for a little bit there (maybe more of an antihero), but he's MY antihero and that's fine! Farkle Protection Squad coalition of one! His spiral into self-hatred and eventual recovery... yeah. Very important to me. I love him!

Favorite recurring: Yindra. No one is surprised. I love Yindra. Queen of confidence! Queen of talent! If I went to AAA, I would have the biggest crush on Yindra, hands down, because she’s incredible. Someone needs to be that iconic! Plus, her dynamic with Zay and Nigel... literally incredible. Everybody put some respect on my lesbian queen.

Favorite adult: Eric. I dunno if I really need to explain why, but I will. His compassion and understanding is one of my favorite things about him, and I love the way he works through the issues he and Jack face at the school. Plus his and Jack's dynamic... iconic. Love them. (It was a tough call between the two of them but I figure more people are gonna say Jack.) And him and Isa! 🥺🥺🥺 Best counselor award when?

Esther (co-creator)

Favorite Front Nine: Since maggie got to break the rules I will too. My favourites are Dylan and Isadora. Farkle and Charlie are close behind as I love their storylines and delving into their minds and mental headspace, but Isa and Dylan are definitely at the top and have very special places in my heart. Isa I’ve been attached to since gmw in much the same way maggie has been with Lucas, as she’s the only canon female autistic representation I’ve ever had and she provided some really relatable moments for me. I clung onto her and haven’t let go since. I also just love how complex she is and how much duality exists in her, most notably with being a techie and performer, but also the fact that she’s extroverted in some ways (performing, needing friends around her) and introverted in others (pushing people away, craving space and alone time). I could write a whole essay about her but I’ll save you the time and simply say I love her very much. Dylan definitely snuck up on me as a favourite character, but it was inevitable as I’m always drawn to loveable goofballs like him. He’s just so good natured and loving, he cares so much about his friends and would do literally anything for them and I love him for that. He’s also just really funny and pure and I’m lowkey in love with him rip 

Favorite recurring: This is really difficult as there are so many incredible recurring characters. Maggie, Katie and I have talked about the fact that the show could easily have like twenty main characters with how entertaining and full of potential the rest of the a class are, but alas, every episode would be at least three hours long if that were the case. In the end I think I have to go with my girl Jade. She works so hard and makes literally amazing, beautiful pieces of ART on the regular, and is overlooked so much but still keeps on going and doing what she loves. She’s also just lovely and I love her dynamics with the other characters. She’s an integral part to the techie group, and the a class as a whole. Also, when Jade speaks up about something, you know it’s serious... 

Favorite adult: Eric 100%. He’s always been my favourite of the adults, and I stand by that. He’s very similar to Dylan in a lot of ways so of course I’m going to be drawn to the lovable goofball yet again. I also love how much he cares about the students and the school and how passionate he is about them going on to be the best versions of themselves they can be. As an Isa stan I also adore their dynamic, and am very excited to explore it more in s3.

Maggie (co-creator)

Favorite Front Nine: I’m gonna say upfront that I’m breaking the rules on this one. I don’t care. I can’t do it, I literally cannot choose only one front nine. The shorthand answer is Lucas, Farkle, and Dylan, but all for entirely different reasons. Farkle is my favorite character to write story-wise, as exploring his arc and his development as essentially the pseudo protagonist has been one of the best parts of this experience. He is also my favorite performer in that I know if we could watch / listen to these performances, his would always be my favorite. There’s just... a je ne sais quoi. Then LJF and Dylan are my personal favorites, but like... for opposite reasons and vibes. I almost can’t even explain it. Like anyone who knows me knows LJF is deeply rooted in my heart and has such a precedence and importance to me (and this version of him in particular is so special to me), so there’s that. But then with Dylan, who really blossomed and came out of the woodwork with AAA and S2 especially, there is just such a warmth and brightness and love to him and writing his character that makes me so happy. It feels like home in some ways, like a comfort space, and he really represents what I wish more of the world was like -- optimistic, genuine, comforting. So yeah. No I’m not crying. Anyway... I feel I should also mention that Asher was close here as well, but his pitfall is that he’s unintentionally way too similar to who I am as a person GJDKFGJLKDSH so it’s harder to look at him from an objective angle.

Favorite recurring: This is tough too because I love the A class after spending so much time with them + developing their quirks and eccentricities, but I think I’m going to go with Nigel (with Jade as a super close runner-up). Nigel just has that perfect balance of coolness and wit that I find really enjoyable, but he avoids the pitfalls that Farkle falls into in that he’s also a very genuine and grounded person. I love so many of his one-liners, and I really enjoy getting to bake a little more of him and Jade and their dynamic into the upcoming season.

Favorite adult: This one, on the other hand, is easy. Jack. Jackson Hunter all the way. I love writing him, I love reading about him, I just love him. I love that he is this sharp (but necessary) contrast to most of the tomfoolery of AAA. I love how we come at him from an angle of expecting him to be almost heartless because he’s a practical realist, but then we see how much he cares about the students and the school in his own right. I love his clash with Eric and how that develops and grows into an even and essential partnership. I love his light sarcasm, his exhaustion, how he tries to do the right thing even when it feels impossible -- but that he also isn’t perfect, and slips up or bends the rules when he really feels it’s the decision he needs to make (mainly regarding Lucas). Which of course... I love his dynamic with Lucas. They are I think the most unexpected thing to come out of writing the show for me, but I am obsessed with them. I would rank them up very high in my favorite dynamics of the whole show, they’re that important to me. And I definitely know that that contributes to why I love Jack so much. I just think he’s neat. I love the man. A fave fave fave.

[astrologysvt]

Chart First Impressions: Seungcheol

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! Check out my masterlist to see all the readings I’ve done so far and what I’ve got coming up! 💫

This is just a very general reading of the member’s charts — the parts that popped out to me, things I personally liked, things I thought were interesting or contrary to the image I have of them. I’m not looking at anything in particular with each reading. Some of their readings may be more aspect focused, where some may just focus solely on their personal planets and their signs. If you have any questions on specific aspects or want to request a more specific reading, feel free to send me an ask! 

the leo king we don’t deserve

he exemplifies the best leo traits imo.

so sweet, so generous with affection.

i can go on for hours about how he’s such a great leo but i’ll save that for another time.

a leo sun with a cap moon is almost destined to achieve great things.

with the ambition and confidence of a leo mixed with the sense of purpose and responsibility of a cap, they are bound towards success even if it comes with great trial and error.

they also tend to not be aware of their talent, as cap influences usually give the native a sense of insecurity despite the competence they exude.

capricorn is a sign that brings stability, and the moon in and of itself is meant to be a turbulent influence on the chart.  

a capricorn moon can often times feel as though they are swimming against the current for this reason as they are constantly attempting to bring consistency to an aspect of their lives that’s meant to be dynamic.

they expect themselves to constantly be able to perform and they hold themselves to such a high standard that when emotions naturally arise or circumstances prevent them from doing so, they struggle to give themselves slack.

they quite literally cannot fathom that they can be affected in such a way.

and to give them credit, they have such a strength of character that most of the time they still end up doing the things they set out to do regardless.

but where they struggle and where their fears lie, is in the fear of letting others as well as themselves down. they are obsessed with seeing things to completion and simply can’t tolerate anything less, and often times this concept in and of itself is a heavy enough burden for them to carry.

where leo comes in in this combo is in ambition, passion, creativity, and charm.

how charming and naturally confident cheol is, in combination with his enduring cap moon, makes him that super capable leader we all know and love.

he’s got a lot of energy flowing to his mars in libra

his sun in leo, venus in leo, and jupter in sag are all flowing energy to his mars which makes him an extremely affectionate and passionate guy.

mars being in libra means he THRIVES being around people and sincerely loves being in an environment where he feels he’s contributing and bouncing off of people he loves and respects.

ultra honest, optimistic, and sincere and has absolutely no qualms in expressing his appreciation.

super energetic and honestly just enjoys life and people.

with that being said, his mars is squared his moon in cap which can play out in a couple of different ways.

(side note: can you believe all 95 line have this aspect).

this aspect means that everything mars touches is susceptible to the fluctuation of the moon.

generally speaking, this can give him a tendency towards explosive anger and general moodiness

in cheol’s case, it’s more than likely that the cap moon insecurity and his high expectations have a great influence on this aspect of him as well.

almost everything about his chart shows that he’s an all or nothing person. his leo placements are incredibly stubborn while his cap moon means he seldom gives up on his goals.

this can mean that, if things don’t pan out how he wants, the slump he experiences afterwards is significant.

it effects his vitality, his optimism, his passion, and this can be extremely draining and, as the aspect implies, can cause bouts of frustration and anger.

his leo and cap placements make him ultra obsessive so he tends not to let things go easily either, which can add to this feeling of “if this doesn’t work out then what else is there.” (tho that may be a bit too dramatic)

that’s just one way to look at it, and it’s highly dependent on his circumstances.

it’s important that he relies on people he loves, and learns to offer himself more understanding. he may struggle in realizing that the responsibility doesn’t solely lie on him and that he’s allowed to have set backs.

his saturn is super well aspected with the other outer planets.

this really solidifies the fact he’s capable of great things.

saturn sextile uranus makes him incredibly inventive, intelligent, inquisitive.

saturn sextile neptune makes him imaginative yet practical.

saturn trine pluto gives him such a strong sense of purpose, willpower, and determination. his resilience is unbelievable and he has the confidence to match.

all of these placements give him such great and grand ideas and he has the willpower and means of seeing them to fruition.

not only that, but with a saturn in pisces this gives him a very honest, sincere, emotional, and less than concrete way of expressing these traits (i.e. via art or even philosophy).

the pisces/neptune influence is strong which kind of turns his super stable and stubborn chart into one that’s much more impressionable.

it’s very interesting because his personal planets are super steadfast, super dedicated and determined, while he also has this very soft aura about him thanks to these outer influences and if you look at his chart they are almost completely separate (check out his chart in my chart masterlist)

they make two mirroring triangles and i imagine that’s what it feels like to him.

there is a bunch of different ways that this kind of “pattern” can play out in his chart but here is one way to look at it:

it’s a mixture of vital, active, and intellectual (personal planets) vs. soft, artsy, and spiritual (outer planets).

in his control vs out of his control

tangible vs intangible

it can feel like he has this very strong calling/sense of responsibility, and this can be overwhelming as there is this separation between what he feels he’s capable of vs. what’s expected of him.

this is also where i can imagine he may experience doubt as he has this sense of purpose but cannot fathom the willpower that’d actually take.

this is where i’m gonna stop with this interpretation because i’d really need to know him better to give a truly honest reading.

but i do think it’s incredibly interesting how, the softest part of his chart, lies in his saturn. he may feel he’s too weak willed (which he isn’t) thanks to this, or may feel as though he needs to stand his ground more than he’d naturally tend towards.

what’s interesting thoooooooo

is the only way that these two sections meet is via his mercury which is quincunx to his saturn, uranus, neptune, and semisextile his pluto.

it’s through mercury’s sense of communication and curiosity that he can bridge this gap and tap into this aspect of him that may feel is too illusive/unpredictable.

he’d also probably benefit and feel comfort being in environments and with people with strong gemini/virgo influences as well as potentially pisces placements.

generally environments where passions are shared, ideas are freely tossed around, that also give him a creative outlet.

and will you look at that, that sounds like svt

even seventeen as a group’s sign is literally gemini since they debuted on May 26th, so i dunno

it’s in the stars my dude.

[ladyshandioftheendless]

~Crüe AU writings 19~

So I’m kinda mad at myself lol. This is actually an AU idea I’ve had for a while now but I was just so busy with other stories it got pushed to the back. I have no idea why it’s coming out now when I have so much other stuff to work on but uh..here it is? Enjoy! If you like what you’ve read and you’d like to be on the tag list for this story let me know! Special thanks to @ashestoashesvvi for brain storming this idea with me like..months ago. XD

~Shandi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~CAMBOY AU~

Pairing: TBD

Special Guests: Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee

Summary: Since his music career tanked Vince’s life has been in the gutter. So..why not do explicit camera shows for money? (told from Vince’s POV)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is officially the worst goddamn day of my life.

“We’re sorry, Vince but your albums just aren’t selling.” my manager says. “We gotta let you go.” I stare at them. I can’t even believe my fucking ears. “You were the ones who convinced me I’d be more popular if I went solo! You were the ones who said the others were holding me back!!” The company president looks me straight in the eyes and shrugs. “What can I say? We were wrong. We should’ve known that looks don’t automatically mean talent. You’re shit at singing, Neil. Your career is dead and bleeding in the water. We’re tossing you out before the sharks come.” 

Assholes. All of them. 

I don’t say anything. I just flip them all off and storm out.

Oh, but that wasn’t the worst of it.

A few weeks later I learn they signed my ex band mates to a record deal..with a new lead singer. Rock Candy became my band. That was my beginning. And now I had to sit back and watch someone else reap the benefits. Just twist the knife right in my fucking heart..

“That’s fucking garbage, man.” My friend Nikki hands me a beer and sits next to me on his couch. “I’d sue their asses.” I laugh bitterly. “Even if I did have the money they’d just sic an army of high priced lawyers on me and bleed me dry. That’s something I definitely don’t need.” Nikki sighs. “I see your point. Listen..I’m here for ya. You ever need a place to stay you can come here.”

“You serious..?”

“Course I am. We’re friends right?”

“Thanks, Nik. I appreciate that a lot~” 

The offer couldn’t have come at a better time. Within the span of a month I lose my car and my house. When a musician falls, they fall hard. With a heavy sigh I take what’s left of my belongings and my dignity and I move in with Nikki. He’s nice about it of course. He did offer after all. But I still feel like a fuckin’ freeloader. I gotta find another job soon..

~*~

I’ve been jobless for three weeks now. Not for lack of trying. But here’s another thing about being a musician. Everybody remembers who you are. Everybody knows your ‘reputation.’ And nobody wants you when you’re washed up. Nikki knows what I’m going through. He tries to assure me that I don’t need to feel the way I do..but it’s hard not to. I’ve got nothing to contribute. I am nothing.. 

When the weekend rolls around Nikki invites his friend Tommy over for drinks. He introduces me. Guy’s a bit crazy but seems alright. While we’re sitting at the table playing cards I notice that he keeps starin’ at me..like he’s studying my face. He’s not subtle about it either. I start to squirm in my seat cause..not gonna lie..it’s makin’ me uncomfortable. When I can’t take it anymore I excuse myself from the table and go outside to have a smoke. He comes out a short time later. I roll my eyes. “Look man, I came out here to be alone.” 

“Was I starin’ too hard?” 

“What?” 

“Sorry..y’got a pretty face~”

“Look if you’re tryin’ to come onto me..” He laughs right in my face. “Wow..thanks, asshole. Kick me while I’m down why don’tcha?” 

“I..I’m not tryin’ to offend ya I swear! I was gonna say..y’got a pretty face for the camera~” I scoff. “Believe me I wouldn’t be in this mess if I could get an acting job..”

“It’s not acting. Well..it kinda is but..not really.” 

“I’m..not following.” 

“Why don’t you and Nik come over to my place tomorrow and I’ll show you what I’m talkin’ about~” 

I honestly dunno how to feel about his offer..but I’m also..kinda intrigued..? I mean..what do I possibly have to lose at this point? “Alright..but if it’s anything shady consider me gone.” He gives me a big smile. “Okay..deal~” 

This should be interesting..or completely crazy. 

To be Continued!!

[pyropsychiccollector]

Yep. I threw up another tier, this time for Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair. Once again, I'll go through each character and explain my rationale. This one was a little tougher for some characters; like, overall, Dangan 2 did a better job of fleshing out characters. As a result, it was harder for me to rank some characters higher than others, but I somehow managed to do so after some thought.

.... But for some characters, it was seriously a no-brainer where they went. XD

F rank - Komaeda..... Now, I know what some of you are thinking, last time I put Hagakure in this dead-last rank because he was useless, so that's probably true for Komaeda, right? ..... No. Fuck no. XD This little shit is F rank for much bigger problems than uselessness. Let's start with the obvious: He's the "Togami" of the group. He fucks up the trials, but not just for amusement like Togami did - this guy did it for the sake of pitting "Hope against Hope", and you just knew he was always up to something.... If it wasn't for him, Hanamura wouldn't have been pressured into murdering, at least not so soon. They tied him up in the second chapter, which was good, but then he still managed to throw a wrench into things by encouraging Koizumi to go and play the video game that was the motive for the chapter... This didn't directly lead into the incident necessarily, but Koizumi had already received that ominous letter from Peko and Kuzuryu, telling her to play the game and how to get the true ending; Komaeda spurring her further on DIDN'T help. He redeemed himself a little by figuring out Mikan was lying in trial 3, but then he took 5000 steps backward in chapter 4 by first throwing suspicion onto Hajime in regards to the identity of the traitor, and THEN he cleared the Final Dead Room and treated everyone - EVERYONE - like shit..... But especially Hajime, who had only thought he'd lost his memory of his talent. Hajime, who had been helping solve all the trials and prove that he could stand alongside Ultimates.... It's fine and all that Komaeda was the first one to discover they were all Ultimate Despair, and therefore hated they'd turned out like that, but he had absolutely no high ground to stand on when talking shit to everyone; he himself was Ultimate Despair as well. And the cherry on top.... was how he got Chiaki to murder him in chapter 5. Through sheer luck, and the intention of killing off Ultimate Despair when they had no clue as to the extent of their loss of memories. Some sympathize with the fact he may have some life-threatening illness, and he really had the best of intentions, and was just "misunderstood".... But no, not me. Fuck that.

F is for "Fuck You, Komaeda". lol

Anyway, moving onto E rank....  Akane is kind of like the "Hagakure" of the group, only her physical talent as a gymnast puts her leagues ahead of Hagakure in usefulness. Akane's simply E rank because she's one of the reasons the trials drag on so much, makes few worthwhile contributions, and just isn't all that deep of a character.... I'll never get over how "random" her free time events seemed.... Like, she's a fun girl, I suppose; perverted in her own naïve way. There's just not much substance for me to dig into, for her character.

Saionji's kinda similar in that regard.... Though I'll admit she does have a backstory. She's mostly in E rank because she's, as Nicob would put it, "such a bitch to everybody". Her bond with Mahiru is probably her one saving grace, and the only reason she's not F rank like Komaeda, in my books. Well, that, and she kind of warms up to Hajime in her free time events.... kinda.

... If you squint.

.... But she's still a bitch to everybody that isn't Mahiru. XD

D rank.... Teruteru was honestly placed here because I like him better than Komaeda, Akane, and Saionji, but I don't like him as much as Ibuki. I mean, he's perverted as hell, and he kinda spreads himself thin when it comes to "covering his bases" with his libido, but he's still useful as a cook. Plus, his backstory with his mother who's ill is pretty sad, not to mention how it's implied he killed her when he became Ultimate Despair. Teruteru's just one of those unfortunate characters who's somewhat fleshed out, but I'm not crazy about him; he's just somewhere in the middle. ..... which may be how he likes it....

C rank.... I like Ibuki - she's fun, kooky, crazy.... Her skill in music and her sharp ears are neat, plus she just wants to get along with everyone. .... Except call Teruteru out on his antics, and maybe back away from Komaeda and his craziness. lol Still, despite all the good qualities, Ibuki's just not fleshed out enough as a character for my tastes.... She's fun, and it's sad she got murdered. But there wasn't much of a backstory to tell, and she didn't go through a huge development arc.

.... She did not want to leave her honeymoon with Hajime in island mode, though. And that was just cute. XD

B rank.... Nidai's pretty similar to Ibuki in being a fun character, but I kinda like his attitude of trying to be the class's manager - 'cause it shows he cares for everyone. He doesn't go through a huge development arc either, but it was pretty interesting seeing him adjust to being a robot and then his presumed confrontation with Tanaka in chapter 4.... I would've liked to have known more about that possible confrontation; one of my theories is that a bit of his "Ultimate Despair" self was leaking out in that clash, but probably not enough to turn out like how Mikan was, when she got the Remembering Disease. The desperation/hunger just got to him. That's my theory, anyway.

You might find it surprising Souda is this high up, considering how, like Akane, he holds up the class trials with ridiculous theories and suspicions on certain culprits. But, Souda is the Ultimate Mechanic, and it's just fun seeing his love for his craft. His obsession with Sonia is a bit grating like how Fukawa's obsession with Togami was, but, in some cases I couldn't help feeling bad with how cold/dismissive Sonia was towards him. Like, she didn't have to return his affections by any means.... And he is kind of a suck-up to her. But still, he is nothing but nice to her, and continues to believe in her (if not somewhat blindly) throughout the trials. It'd just be nice to see her reciprocate his friendship, at least. I kinda liked how it gave them a small cameo scene or two of that in Dangan 3 Hope Arc.... Again, that's me.

A rank... Hajime's a pretty good protagonist, and I think he had some nice development arcs throughout the series. He's a bit of a pessimist, in contrast to Naegi's optimism, but he's still one of the nicest guys you could meet. Probably the major thing that drags him down to A rank is simply how overly "average" he is.... like, it's to be expected - he was a Reserve Course student, and therefore had no Ultimate Talent or quirk to fall back on. But still, I'll admit the repetitive ordinariness was a bit grating.... The only real "backstory" he has is his downfall into the Kamakura Project, and even then, he kinda became a different person because of everything but talent being excised from him.

I'll admit - I like Kamakura more than Hajime himself, but I'm not really sure where I'd put Kamakura, either in S or SS rank..... A lot don't seem to care for how OP he is, but I kinda liked how Dangan 3 anime showed off his reflexes. Not to mention it showed he was a neutral party in the war of Despair vs Hope. Again, that's me.

Peko's a neat character with a badass talent. Her backstory is a little tragic and it doesn't grate too much.... She could be cute with furry animals, too (or at least hinted as such). I liked her bond with Kuzuryu, even if she mostly saw herself as just a tool. On the flip side, that mindset of being a tool is why she was dropped to A rank.... I know the Kuzuryu clan drilled that into her head, but she did try and screw everyone over in the second trial because of it. It also made her character suffer a little because she didn't have anything really outside of her loyalty to Kuzuryu and the clan (which makes sense; just makes her character suffer a little bit in having little to no quirks, hobbies, or whatever).

S rank.... I liked the Imposter. I really did. He can impersonate anyone, and make you think the person just put on a few pounds. I liked how fast they made him in the anime, and I just liked his friendship/loyalty to Mitarai and everybody. I felt like the Imposter was a pretty great character, and they introduced him in a way that made you wonder what was going on with "Togami". I liked how you knew next to nothing about the man under the masks (only saw his face/hair in the anime) - though similar to Peko, it was a bit of a double-edged sword in having no huge backstory to fall back on. But unlike Peko, he kinda made the lack of backstory work, because it was part of his charm and talent. And that's why he's above Peko, in my books; he takes a weakness and works with it. I think that's great writing.

Tanaka is so over-the-top.... XD He's a fun character, like Ibuki and Nidai, but unlike those two he has this depth to him that makes me wanna observe him more. He's a smart and shrewd man, and though he tried to screw everyone over in chapter 4, you can argue that part of his reasons for doing it was because he was trying to save them from starvation by sacrificing himself - and doing it in a way that didn't betray his own values, never giving up on life. Again, I think that's just great character writing; Tanaka's just awesome. His hamsters are cute, too. XD

And then you have Sonia.... I guess you could argue Sonia's like a Barbie doll princess, but it's kinda nice to see her gung-ho about a lot of things - even using slang in a cute way. She's curious about a lot of things, too, and she cries and gets mad over things when they happen. I dunno, Sonia's kinda hard to put into words in terms of why I like her so much as a character, though I suppose her kinda-innocent-perverted nature also plays a role in why I like her character... XD "What do you call that activity when two people snuggle naked under bedcovers in a lodge that's snowed in?" Similar to Celes, you don't see too many girls asking questions like that..... And Sonia literally has no real perverted intentions, she just "knows" things. XD

.... And she might also not be a virgin. *wink wink nudge nudge* (I read a fan's explanation on that line, so don't correct me, I know) XD

SS rank.... Kuzuryu reached this rank the moment Derek Stephen Prince voiced him, really. I mean, there's lots of other reasons I like Kuzuryu, but his voice actor is definitely one of the reasons I like him so much. I mean, he's a yakuza, so you know he's gonna be a tough guy of the group, but Kuzuryu really does have this part of a character that wants to rebel against his yakuza upbringing. Like, for example, his insistence on following the law with driver's licenses, or how he drops the "I'm gonna kill everyone so I can escape" routine as of chapter 3. Kuzuryu just really comes of age, he really honors Peko's sacrifice, and he's just so friggin' loyal to everybody, I love it.... Fantastic character~

Mahiru is a bit of a dark horse because from the moment you meet her in-game, and throughout much of your interactions with her, you think that you won't really feel sympathetic towards her. But under that bossy, somewhat sexist exterior, you find what's basically the "mom" of Class 77. Mahiru wants to watch out for everybody, wants to help them be the best they can be. And her free time events with Hajime are adorabu. Really. XD She kinda clicks with Hajime because of how ordinary they both are, but she'd also just help keep him in line. And in return, he'd encourage her when she gets disheartened; just seems like a healthy relationship right there, to me.

And Mikan.... ughhhhh..... A cinnabun of the group, she really is. She does turn out to be crazy as an Ultimate Despair, but that's not really her fault, that's the brainwashing's fault. Mikan's just a sweet, loveable girl. A sweet, loveable girl that's been bullied much of her life, and thus knows how to take care of others.... Her lack of self-care when it comes to pleasing others is a bit off-putting, but Hajime helps her get over those unhealthy tendencies. I know Dangan main protagonists kind of have this tendency for potential harems, but Hajime, Mikan, Mahiru, and Chiaki..... C'mooon~ You wanna see it happen. (well, maybe not, depending on what characters you like). XD

Finally, SSS rank..... Chiaki's just best person ever, 'nough said. lol I know a lot of people may think of her as a Mary Sue, and not like her for being so nice and loved by everyone, but Chiaki's what we should all strive to be, alright? Not the "loved by everybody" part, but the "being nice to everyone" part. lol Some people you just can't be nice to, and that's fine; we all have our limits. Well. Except Chiaki. Chiaki will be your friend even if you treat everyone like shit. She'll try and stop you from doing so, and help you be a better person, but that's just all the more reason to like her - she doesn't hold ill will for anyone..... Well, almost anyone. I suppose that's why I liked Dangan 3 anime, too - because the human Chiaki does hold resentment towards Junko, who trapped her in a dungeon and threatened to brainwash her friends.... It just shows that she DOES have a limit to kindness, despite seeming to have no end of it as a computer program. I mean, you wouldn't be kind toward someone that threatens your own friends, right?

..... Chiaki's just best waifu in Dangan 2. It's why she's the only one at the top. XD