#i dont want to talk about specifics about what happened bc i dont want people to try to tell me what to do
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honestly. being able to be honest with my loved ones about when i am Mentally Unwell but also Dont Want To Talk About It has done wonders for my mental health
#its nice just being able to tell people “im not okay! please dont focus too much on me tho!” and have them respect it#instead of doing things that will trigger me bc they are uncomfortable w the fact that im not okay#i deeply appreciate others sitting in their discomfort/holding the discomfort with me instead of comforting me#and like i get that ppl who offer space or time or comforts are trying to care for me but tbh its not welcome most of the time#bc when I'm upset often times it triggers deep emotional pain that only i can really manage by taking time to sit and calm down and Feel#(bc if not it becomes a flashback instead of Feelings from being Triggered) and having my attention diverted is actually distressing for me#bc i have to be grounded in very specific ways also that i just dont usually have the energy to explain bc like... i know how to do it?#and like also. i can just be Not okay. it doesnt have to be a Thing for me to acknowledge it#iderk what the point of this tag ramble is#im just like. really glad ive found people who understand that im not Avoidant just bc i have different needs bc of how my nervous system i#also if its not clear: please do not offer comforts for this. i am handling my own feelings and issues i just kinda wanna talk about it#also reminding myself its okay to not want to be comforted and that doesnt mean im Wrong or Bad or Resistant or Harming myself#(also ngl having a therapist who understands that certain coping skills may never go away but can be modified to be more useful is LIFE#CHANGING. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREEING IT WAS TO HEAR SOMEONE WHO ISNT CRAZY SAY “i can see how [these things] can be distressing and if you wan#to stop doing them we can explore new coping skills - AND if the distress from these coping skills is shame related we can work through it#and see what happens and its okay if you come out the other side using the same coping skills with a better understanding of yourself “#when most of my life every coping skill ive ever engaged in has been moralized (esp by therapists) and attempted to be beaten out of me.)#also I'm saying “comfort me” thru this bc even tho it's not actually comforting TO me when ppl do this ik thats usually their intent
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it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?
#myposts#this is long and honestly probably Nothing#i dont even really have a way of proving its the same group of people saying both things except fro anecdotally seeing it#and even thats not proof either is a real social force with like power. i could be entirely wrong on every count here#but i do think theres something to the idea that like#as ive seen said#yknow 'ace discourse never ended you all just accepted ace people didnt deserve support and then moved on w those views internalized'#i think thats more broadly true for like. all those discourses i mentioned. and for the transmisogyny i alluded to#but honestly i dont even want to name the specific phenomenon im talking abt there bc those people. scare me.#but yknow ill say it ive felt way more pressure lately to not call myself pan than i did at the height of pan discourse#before it became cringe to care about it and instead of actively shitting on pan ppl we moved on to passively doing it#ive largely started just. calling myself bi to avoid the arguement. which i predicted i would have to do years ago#and now look at me doing it! not really a fluke that its happening now. i think#which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged#so weve just internalized their logics--reactionary logics--and its having an interesting effect now that we need a progressive community#for our safety.#now we cant say anything about it because to bring it up is jeopardizing everything weve built and the people were keeping safe!#cause we dont count as people deserving of safety were disruptors who only belong when we dont make noise. idk. or thats how i feel#again i dont really know if this is true at all im more just...thinking through it i think#basically like what im seeing--i think--comes from simultaneously that need to be unmarketable in the face of hostility#coming into conflict with a decade of momentum to make queers solely marketable. and i think thats producing some interesting--but sucky#--discourses in the current moment#last disclaimer that i might and am likely totally wrong! okay lauren out. post send *nervous sweating*
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now bc of that one post abt zelda getting fridged whenever that one guy directs a zelda game im thinking abt tetra just getting turned to stone in ph and like. what would it have been like if she were an actual character in ph. what would she have done how would this have changed the story
#not gonna do a whole lot of tagging im just musing. if you wanna rb or reply with ideas thats great#im not the person to figure this out bc i dont actually care much abt tetra#not like oh i hate her but like. i only played ph and what i see of her beyond that has not endeared me to her#shes fine i just dont get it. ig cuz i didnt play ww but eh#cuz like. ok. pretty much the majority of phs plot relies on tetra having been turned to stone and fixing that#and me being the autistic little freak i am the psrt that also makes it hard for me to wonder what could happen if#tetra werent stone and that making the game better is like. ok what about linebeck and his arc#listen his arc is so fucking good and hes great and i dont think his arc would have been so good if link wasnt the character he was put wit#cuz link is a great foil and despite having minimal characterization has just the right personality to nudge linebeck along#cuz hes def part of what inspires some of that change in linebeck so idk what might have happened#if tetra was an active player interacting with him in ph too. cuz like idk most of the time when i see people#do stuff where they interact its usually tetra one upping linebeck or whatever and thars like. ok thats whar ciela does#maybe im reading into it too much and focusing on linebeck. idk how you couldve done and changed#the plot of ph to include tetra without just straight up rewriting the whole thing or putting link away#bc look me in the eyes. i do not think linebeck would have developed the way he did without having met link specifically#salty talks#idk i feel like linebecks arc is the best bit of story in ph so i want that to remain more or less intact bc thats where a lot of#the emotional stuff comes in at the end. his dialogue in the ghost ship battle and the final boss. its important#i dont think about tetra much cant you tell. so id leave this to someone who actually cares abt her as a character
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u ever have to back out of a drama explained video bc ur like. i agree that that person was in the wrong but the way youre presenting them is just unsettling
#like theres a difference between 'hey heres a breakdown of who waid what and what happened' and#'look at this zoo animal and what a freak they are for this freak thing they did‚ everyone point and laugh at them wherever they go forever#specifically if you put quirky music and a dramatic voiceover over a clip of someone having a screaming#breakdown in their car telling people to leave them alone i think thats uhhhhhh fucked up no matter what they did#and ppl will always be like 'well they could just log off so its fine' and its like a) didnt we learn in like elementary school that#cyberbullying is still real bullying#like to me that gives the same vibe as 'why didnt they just leave' irt abusive relationship if that makes sense?#like yeah physically they are capable of just logging off. physically they can choose to leave. but theres a lot more#that goes into it than just 'can i physically leave'#like. ppl who do abuse over the internet know how the internet works and know how to use#means other than ohysical strength to keep targets under their control#'if you dont respond to my messages whenever i send them ill kill myself. no i didnt directly say that but#i repeatedly messaged you at times i knew you had just gone to sleep faking suicide attempts making you feel#like its your fault for not being available to respond 24/7'#its 'youre the only person i can talk to about these things no one understands me like you. you are my whole support system and therefore#wholly responsible for my mental health#if you leave me ill have no one so you will be dooming me to fall apart on my own when i need support the most so you can never leave me'#its 'how can you break up with me right now knowing im feeling suicidal‚ its like you want me to kill myself‚ you did this deliberately bc#youre a bad person. my life depends on you staying with me and i will never not be suicidal#and even if i was you saying that would make me feel that way so you can never break up with me or youre responsible for me kmsing#im not saying thats at all the same as ppl taking drama too far and freaking out abiut stuff however i feel like a good portion of it#carries over specifically the fact that. they probably feel like they /have/ to stay logged in‚ to keep their drama public#they have to keep defending themselves and keep reading responses and keep going and going#plus like. of course its the big freakouts that get lots of attention and therefore get even worse#good or bad people like spectacle‚ you never see people calmly resovling disagreements because they.#get calmly resolved then everyone moves on and forgets it. so you only remember the wild ones#like esp for like. kids on tiktok#we all had meltdowns about petty shit at one point or another we just were lucky enough to grow up just before#social medias jumped over to video content so it doesnt have our faces tied to it#idk. i just think ppl should ask themselves 'how would i feel if an audience of thousands was watching my lowest moment like this'
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I’ll be talking about the last post I reblogged in the tags of this post for the sake of the person I reblogged it from
#mud rambles#quick lil backstory for why. I follow him but he no longer follows me so I can have my privacy bc his partners are people ive cut off#he and i have how we interact figured out explicitly he's still my friend i care for him deeply what happened between his partners and i#didnt have anything to do with him. i let him know what happened. theyre not horrible ppl just bad friends to me#anyway#SO fucking ironic to see that on my dash from them specifically because his fucking girlfriend (my ex friend who was my roommate) would#CONSTANTLY compare me to her abusive father for! no goddamn reason!#it wasn't necessarily 1 to 1 comparison but she would bring him up OUT OF NOWHERE for example one time i was literally just listening to#metallica (fuck metallica but they were MY dad's fav band so i listen to them bc of nostalgia) and she just! was like#'you listen to dad bands. my dad likes metallica' o...kay???#and that wasnt the worst one. she would just. unprompted compare me to her dad. usually like that over things i liked but she once like.#vagued me to my face about how ~crazy and paranoid~ her dad is#NOT EVEN ONCE she brought up how paranoid he was A LOT and like. at the time i was trying to be a little more open abt my paranoia w her an#my ex best friend (her other partner) so like. idk. whether it was a vague at me or not i did not appreciate it#even MY partner brought up multiple times how it was fucking weird and she was lowkey comparing me to her fucking dad#KEEP IN MIND BTW I PERSONALLY moved her out of her home state and away from her dad to room with me and my partner#i dont remember a lot of the examples bc i want to block that shit out but. what the fuck woman#anyway i needed to talk abt this but like i said i dont wanna be vagueing my friends gf in the tags of a post i reblogged from him lmao#i can talk abt it on my own blog not there#and mandatory disclaimer please do not try to figure out who the people ive cut off are and also please leave them and their bf alone#like i said he's still my friend and i care about him#i just feel the need to say that bc. i trust the people who follow me to not go and do that but. just genuinely need to clear the air#i cut them off for a reason. i dont want any kind of contact with them even indirectly. and i dont want people harassing my friend#i specifically went out of my way when that shit went down to make sure he and i were still cool so dont fuck this up for me thanx!
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If you need to vent, I'd like to offer this post as a safe space to vent in the tags (or reblogs if you're brave enough) about whatever you feel like. Even if you just wanna infodump about something you like. Or your day just sucked. Whatever you want.
#gonna vent rq#i feel like my friend group is gonna fuckong implode any second#and i am genuinely starting to resent some of my friends because its very clear that the cracks start with a couple specific people#and i dont want to feel yhat way bc i genuinely enjoy their company#but i no longer enjoy having group conversations and hangouts with some of my friends#because it always devolves into drama and shittalking people we barely even know for nothing but fun#and it wojld be one thing if it was jist tea#but they say shit like they hate this random people or want to physically hurt them#they make fun of people for completely normal and fine things just because tjey dont like the person#THEY MAKE FUN OF DISABILED AND NEURODIVERGENT FOLKS BECAUSE THEY DONT LIKE THEM#AND I MEAN THEY MAKE FUN OF THEIR TICKS OR THEIR STIMS OR STUTTER#they straight up said that they call people ugly and their art ugly just because they personally dont like that person#like#if tjis had happened once or twice#whatever#but its every conversation theyre in#and it just feels like its gonna fall apart because everyone talks behind each others backs and half of us are aware of all tjese issues#but the other half arent#and i dont know what to do and i dont know jow we can bring it up#because ot feels like no one wants us to say shit about it#theyre comfortable living in that lowkey toxic ass environment
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody
#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've#actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept#anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and#then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him#the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday#because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the#month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently#just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here#anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as#shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery#forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that#shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on#you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years#also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being#into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship#does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi#ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just#wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so#ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know#when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh#t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME#this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this#anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im#gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive#never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow#i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery
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stupid comments on TikTok will really have you thinking about how everything is by chance
#like. that antisemitic comment getting so many likes will completely reverse itself in the next video#that trans commenter that says a child deserved to die will have people admitting to how transphobic they are#(despite other trans commenters also calling them a horrible person)#those homophobic videos that have thousands of likes will be stitched by a popular person who happened to see it and get more likes#i just got thinking about this#its the same here#whats the chances of one specific terf out of the hundreds on here finding one specific post before their other terf friends#or one of those anti feminist guys on here focusing on one specific person#its not even just 'algorithm' wise either i dont think#bc whether we like to admit it or not not everything these 'great apps' recommend to us are things we always want to see#i know ive personally been getting a lot of anti trans and pro tate and shit of that nature despite me blocking and not recommending all#idk man#this all started bc of some antisemitic comments made on a video and the op agreeing w them (while also saying antisemitism is bad🙃)#but then the video that its stitched with has more likes. it has more comments. it has more people talking about antisemitism and racism.#maybe it has more likes because the poster was white and the one she stitched was black. but it also could be no one really wanted to#interact with the other because of how many dogwhistles she had in her video ('lgb' but no t; singing a cheerful song to the comment#about the holocaust; liking comments about how jewishness simultaneously doesnt exist or black ppl are the real ones or black people cant be#jewish; etc)#while the one that stitched her pointed out the inaccuracies in a comment in her video and talked about how racism and antisemitism are one#- in the same#like idk.
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tragic: the one time he’s actually queer he has a girlfriend
#probably. probably#pretty sure he came with her tonight and I am not the only one with this impression#which damn that sucks I guess. anyway#like it’s not for sure but if he’s not gay specifically theyre probably together. pretty sure they’ve come together before too so#just like man how do people do this the situation is dire here#this is bc i dont have friends who are men. i know so many lesbians just so many lesbians but i do not talk to guys which in hindsight.#no no this is not entirely true i have a bunch of friends (casual) who are guys they are just Actually straight#or like. probably but are also babies#but man like i thought i at least had a fair shot this time even if he turned out to suck or reject me#either one wouldve been chill! ive just not properly done this from this side before#also sucked is the wrong word there it ranges from oh im not actually interested to yeah hes annoying#i dont think hes annoying he is widely regarded as rlly sweet#being gay hard. imagine#this is slightly incoherent its just 1am and i have had super long day and just got bacl from 2 very intense hours of ice hockey so im FUCKE#just so sleepy. and i wanted to fwoosh put this somewhere yknow#will probably find out on friday anyway and its just. chill. its not like i was super invested in this i will easily get over it#just got excited bc oh my god an actual queer guy in the wild who is cool and i already kinda know#well! im about to pass out so. see what happens#luke.txt
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maxwell and sammy are all mine and i love them like my children but its pretty hard to divorce them from fnaf enough to make them straight up ocs. sammy especially bc hes technically not my oc, even if i made up every aspect about him except his name and dead twin sister
#my point being i keep seeing oc post and going ‘omg me about sammy’ but sammy isnt an oc. technically#i literally wont even change his name if i do ever just make him all mine. i love him sammy is my bff forevers.#sammy smiles real wide and has sharp canines. he cant stand silence and talks to himself CONSTANTLY and its worse around other people#he interrupts people a lot by accident. and is really bad about holding friendships and doesnt reach out to people. after he took max in it#was impossible to shut him up bc someone was actually there now. he has serious trust issues and thinks ppl dont like him bc he thinks#everyone to have some big secret theyre all collectively keeping from him to keep him ‘’safe’’ which stems from. his mom doing this to him#about his sister and dad she just straight up refused to tell him until he found out on his own. so for 11 years he knew that. they for sure#you cant just split up your family in half in a divorce. something seems incredibly wrong about that but he didnt know what actually#happened there. also they were young when she died but he still felt like a part of him went missing and without the knowledge she died he#assumed. hed see her again and fill that hole. and of course that wasnt true. so anyway he struggles to make and keep friends#hes had like 8 different partners who lasted more than a month (most of them didnt want to deal with max) and he cant keep any of them bc a#a lot of people meet this cute charming guy with a lot to say and realize hes literally like this all the time and it stops being cute and#starts being annoying. he wanted to have kids bc he really likes kids but nobody wants him unfortunately and also he had. max for 8 years#and max is for sure his kid (from his perspective max is weird about it bc max thinks of his dad. as his Parent and sammy as more of#brother) but like max was not really what he was thinking when he thought he wanted kids right. and he feels bad about thinking that but#he does. think that. he wants a kid of his own. sammy is a therapist for kids with trauma specifically so that also impacts his ability to#have a kid. he worries that. bc of his personal experience of what Can happen that he may in turn be a helicopter parent or way#overprotective. yknow. he#ive got to go to bed omg. i got enough thoughts down!!!!#simons spouting#a lot of this is just awfully written but you cant read back or edit tags on mobile. not my fault
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🥛🍔
#really getting fucking tired of tumblr not compressing my file itself. like it ruins the quality but it wont#automatically resize my massive fucking files!? gotta do it myself?? ugh. the lack of usability across all social media platforms is just#getting so hard to stomach anymore. nothing is functional. people get their accounts removed for no logical reason. im exhausted.#and yet i still want all my shit in a collective place -_-#ugh.do you ever look at something and are like. holy shit i painted this.damn. unfortunately it doesnt happen very often but when it does?#almost always my vent boy. why. why is that?why cant i paint anything half decent except this emo boy with a mullet?whatever. also. kinda#random but.not actually random. related actually.idk if this is just me but like. sometimes there are Articles in ur living space that just#exist. like u just accept they exist even tho u have no recollection of attaining them. im talkin clothes specifically rn. like i have this#aqua-green robe with blue trim that ive had as far back as i can recall...except i cant for the life of me remember where it came from! its#almost like it spawned in my closet one day.i just. accept it.like. dont get me wrong. it cozy. its quite physically held up for decades.#i wear it all the damn time. but ive no mortal clue how it got here. ive no memory of receiving it.also ngl i had way too much fun renderin#his beard.like u cant tell bc i apply about a million overlay layers and filters respectively to my finished works. ultimately covering up#hours + hours worth of finely rendered details each drawn individually by hand. deeming my efforts useless in the end bc i cover it up but.#trust me. i took some time with that beard.beard gang beard gang.mullet beard gang.dirty smelly mullet beard man. hello yes my name is#80 y/o who is 32/33 years old. how are you today? im personally doing terrible.good talk. WHAT CAN I SAY i just think the emo grown ass man#with boatloads of physical AND emotional trauma is neat. MY HANDS LOOK LIKE THIS SO HIS DONT HAVE TO *camera pans to a fucked up little set#of discolored claws skin translucent as alll hell. no muscle.atrophied beyond repair. also a bit of dirt is caked under the brittle + ridge#unhealthy nails. cuts and scraped take approx 3 months to heal bc the nerve functioning is That Bad*.#botdbs#fk#on a final note. I drew these about a week ago. I was literally only listening to cheeseburger in paradise the whole time. Then I learned#today that Jimmy Buffett passed away yesterday. broke my heart a little. i was just drinking my coffee from my margaritaville mug too.#Rest in peace legend. I hope heaven has so many cheeseburgers.#so many cheeseburgers in literal paradise.#Makin' the best of every virtue and vice. Worth every damn bit of sacrifice. to get a. cheeseburger in paradise.
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hi sorry to bother u about this, i searched around transmasc subreddits for an answer to this and while i saw a few people joking about getting dry cramps, nobody seems to know what this is. and i vaguely remember seeing a post by you mentioning "mystery cramps" in a post also about vaginal atrophy, but I didnt pay attention to the post much at the time bc at that point i wasnt experiencing atrophy or mystery cramps.
but now I'm a bit over a year on T, (my periods stopped only about 4 months ago though, because i was on a much lower dose than most for a lot longer time than most. that ~4 months ago time frame lines up with upping my dose from 0.2 to 0.3ml. i'm on 0.4ml tho now as of about 3 weeks ago) and suddenly i'm getting "mystery cramps" sometimes, it seems to happen especially the night before my T-shot day, (but i cant say that with certainty—i know i'm having them right now and my shot day is tomorrow morning, and i think thats been the case, but i dont know for sure) and they feel exactly like period cramps. to the point where i feel super paranoid that maybe i've been injecting improperly and the testosterone isnt absorbing right and my period is actually coming back. (something i often have nightmares about)
i searched your blog again for that post and did find it, (the one about estradiol cream treating it) but the wording of it is a little unclear and i wanted to just clarify that this is the same thing youre talking about? or if what im experiencing is different than the "mystery cramps" you meant and i should see a doctor
I am for sure not a doctor, and I think you should see one either way!
My personal understanding of the "mystery cramps" is that it's a part of "vaginal atrophy" that some, but not all trans folks who go on T experience, and it usually doesn't start until a couple of years on T ( which is also, to my knowledge, based on more standard doses as opposed to "low-dose" T).
Mine started about two years in, and was happening occasionally at first- always at night, and often the day before my T shot- then progressed to several nights a week over time. Nowadays I tend to experience cramping almost every time I so much as miss one dose of estradiol. Ibuprofen and Midol are the only OTC pain relievers that seem to do the trick, and the cramping will keep me up through the entire night untreated. It also tends to come in fairly predictable waves (spaced maybe 15-30 minutes apart) and right before I started estradiol, I remember getting some light spotting as well.
iirc, I talked to my PCP when it was just starting up, and their response was along the lines of "that's weird, let's keep an eye on it". I moved and didn't have a PCP for a while, so when the spotting started, I went to a walk-in urgent care clinic and talked to them. They gave me a referral for an ultrasound, and encouraged me to go to a "women's health" clinic that had long history of specializing in trans care as well. When I talked to the folks at that clinic, they encouraged me to go through with the ultrasound (I didn't), and prescribed estradiol cream because I asked them to and they didn't see a reason not to try it.
If you think it's possible this is what's going on with you, I would really encourage you to talk to a doctor, specifically bring up research around this issue and estradiol cream as a treatment option, and ask them if there's a reason not to try it just to see if it does anything for you. If nothing else, estradiol cream also treats vaginal dryness, tightness, and inflammation (other symptoms of "vaginal atrophy"), so it might be worth a shot for those reasons anyway!
And don't do what I did; if they want you to do an ultrasound or whatever else, go with it, and rule out other possibilities. Listen to medical advice from medical professionals who know your medical history and who you trust are listening to you & know what they're talking about.
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JAKE AND TRANSFEMININITY: PART 1
IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK ABOUT THIS im gona make a series of posts about jake because. Im crazy and i like writing (will also help me with writing my scripts bc im bad at doing that but im good at yapping on social media lol)
This first post will be about Grandpa Harley because yknow he was the foundation for Jakes text later.
(Take these with a grain of salt bc this is skaianet archive stuff) but Its stated over and over that HIC in both universes Despised Jake because he was a boy and saw him as an annoyance. (The reason he is even named Jake is because HIC just swapped a letter from Jane to make a male name) and this started a pattern of jake being waved off and disregarded.
Already day fucking one as a baby Jake isnt doing gender right😭 his name is a reminder that he isnt what people want him to be.
So he left home and sought off to find adventure at age 13. His shitty home-life already left him with a fraught relationship to his autonomy and control over his life (Again skaianet archives grab that Salt) But he gets groomed and taken advantage of by an older man. I believe this only further Jakes feelings of helplessness and desire to exert power over something.
Grandpa harley would then proceed to try so hard to embody the Old most admirable western masculine archetype to a T. The wealthy globe trotting adventurer/entrepreneur/inventor with female lovers galore and nothing tying him down! A mans man who isnt afraid to get his hands dirty, wrestle a few animals. Wield violence to exert power and control (hunting animals) I see this as his outlet to exert autonomy and establish an Identity for himself but its at the expense of innocent lives. But its how you are seen as successful and powerful living under patriarchy and imperial capitalism.
Though while being this stereotype of old timey masculinity, he has this fascination with a specific brand of femininity. A delicately composed vision, a photoshoot, a performance. Something unachievable.
Its something he brings everywhere he goes. The blue ladies photos and imagery litter both his Hauntswitch house and Jades island house juxtaposing all of his Trophies (taxidermied animals that he obtained through overtly violent masculine means) With his self titled “Beauties/Daughters of Eclectica” (IF THAT ISNT THE MOST OLD GAY MAN THING YOUVE EVER READ. BUT ANYWAY)
Hussie always describes it as “Haha old man jake is horny for blue ladies” but i think the fact he views them as aspirational figures, and holds them in such high regard, Telling Jade that She should aspire to be like them and maybe one day she could take a place amongst them in their elegance and beauty I believe was him projecting; where he believes he isnt able to emulate them because he is a man so he tells jade to instead. (then we see teen jake who is living in more progressive times with his blue lady equivalents and he Directly attempts to Emulate them)
I think theres something more happening here guys nerm..
A. Claire was a Ballerina, A performer of a very traditionally feminine art that is calculated, asking for pin point accuracy with your body as the instrument. The fact he was her “Biggest fan” I assume he went to see alot of her performances and greatly admired her for her beauty and performance skills.
Ive said it before but I dont think he was attracted to her sexually, I think he wished he could be what she was. Embody a finely tuned image of femininity he was barred from ever exploring, so he was drawn to women who could do what he couldnt. And i believe he conflated his gender envy with attraction (teen jake does this too really hard but well get there later) because they didnt have the terms for gender envy or anything back then. Jake grew up in the 1920s. I assume he believed his feelings were average hetero attraction and not something deeper.
I feel like its an elaborate gag that Jake made himself into a straight up Caricature of the burly gruff Adventurer Man. His houses are overflowing with hunting trophies and weaponry like hes over compensating Its insanely comical when you know Really on the inside hes a gay man with a great affection and identification with the effeminate and is actually really loud about it but everyone brushes it off as “Haha what a kooky old geezer!” OBVIOUSLY ALL OF THIS FUNNY. Homestuck is a tragicomedy, everything is simultaneously one huge elaborate gag but also offering commentary on what its pointing and laughing at, in this case its cisheteronormativity (thats the same for an ungodly amount of cases with this work)
I find it tragic, poetic, and endlessly hilarious that his final moments were spent Roleplaying Heterosexuality with a doll He dressed up and put makeup on; made with his image of femininity, and he dies by his own gun, the same kind of weapons that he used to exert violence upon innocent animals in attempt to posture his masculine persona. The ones he arrived to earth with, he was pushed and destined to embody this image of masculinity because of the world he was sent to and the connotations of violence instilled into those weapons by society and reality by Lord English; a being his alt universe self played a great part in shaping. Who too wields a Gun as one of his signature weapons.
Blows smoke off the red hot irony pistols! 😉
PART 2 WILL COME SOON (will add link when it does)
#jake harley#jake english#grandpa harley#homestuck#meta#gender meta 🥹finally doing it.#starting with jake bc hes my Fav Forever but i will do this for all the alpha kids (cherubs included)#zan0tix#daniel talks#but yeah im not good at writing scripts. so im gona make tumblr posts then do a video essay compiling them all and cleaning up the wording#long post
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one more thing about the teen wolf movie, because i’m still not over how bad it was, and i’m taking these few things i liked:
there’s no evidence which would say that derek and stiles aren’t communicating together, on the contrary. when i watched this scene:
“you should be calling your son”, it sounds like a thing derek says more often, - possibly hearing it from stiles, (for my headcanon part - it could be that stiles and his dad had some small argument and aren’t speaking to each other, or avoiding talking.)
And later we even see sheriff's phone, where it seems the past few days hes been in contact with derek and other people, but there’s no stiles -
and that’s why it would be funny to think derek has to listen to both of their sides of their whatever-disagreement,
stiles would be every time like, “he still hasnt called”, so derek could be telling sheriff hes tired of his shit and “can you just call your son? not any fbi agents but specifically your son? thanks, yeah he will be visiting next week, im not gonna say more, you both need to sort it out, at least for eli, so you dont argue in front of him”.
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and another thing is the jeep, of course, the jeep.
which ofc, derek doesn’t hate it at all, and we find out in the end how much he doesn’t hate it.
(istill can’t believe this is a real line they said in the movie, but given what other things they’ve said and done in this movie, okay..)
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this part in 4x1 is probably the last thing i watched and remembered from the plot, so i will take it as stiles’ decision to never abandon the jeep, and how much it means to him, even with whatever happened in the other two later seasons:
like, tell me stiles knew he wasn’t going to be around in the town for a while bc of his internship, so he left it at home, thinking it will just.. stay there.
but derek thought otherwise - he wanted to keep it running, to fix it.
it’s like this important thing, the jeep, that connects their family, and now it’s eli’s, and derek is still annoyed about it (because he’s alive), but also amused that really that car is eli’s favorite thing just like it was for stiles (and just like derek in that metaphor, it won’t stay down, it keeps running, because again, derek is alive in this version, and everyone is happy and okay. ♥)
#i hate this movie for making me care about them again.. but also they deserve so much better than this movie.. especially derek#sterek#teen wolf#my ramblings#teen wolf the movie#derek hale#stiles stilinski#eli hale#eli hale stilinski#sheriff stilinski#mine#long post#eternalsterek#teen wolf spoilers#i guess still just to be sure tho who even cares about whats canon and whats not
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another think piece bc this is kind of getting ridiculous now and i feel so bad for the people on here who are constantly losing motivation or outright deleting their hard work bc of some dumbass kids on the internet
im genuinely curious now, bc i still keep seeing people post about their work being posted on joostwt... like it must be on purpose now right? look i can understand being naive and coming onto tumblr for the first time and just looking up a fandom you like and then being surprised when people are little freaks about it ... but i mean at this point you have to KNOW what is on tumblr we've been the talk of joostwt (and tikok honestly) for like over a month now... you're no longer "accidentally" stumbling upon nsfw works you're actively seeking it out. and specifically actively seeking it out to harass and degrade the people who made the work, to what? to prove your own "morality" in this fandom? do you really think joost feels better now that you've put some random person on blast? do you think he's going to get on his knees and thank you for fighting the evil disgusting tumblr fandom... omg get a GRIPPPP!
if the tumblr fandom bothers you so much... stop actively seeking out the tumblr fandom??? like if its so gross and weird to you WHY do you keep coming back. go block some tags, or delete tumblr off your phone and stop trying to live out your repressed high school mean-girl fantasies over the internet and go outside.
like personally i dont really enjoy the joost fandom on tiktok or twitter, so i just simply dont interact with them, that easy. sure if joost content happens to be on my feed ill probably like it, but other than that i dont go out of my way to search the joost tags, or seek out fan accounts, bc just not my vibe- i suggest the rest of you do the same for us on tumblr
and tbh like i probably assure you joost is not surfing the "joost klein x reader" tag on here 😭 he's not going to see this shit as long as YOUUUU stop reposting them other places. anyways if you want to complain about sexualization are you also going to complain about the women he sexualizes in his songs? or what about that short story he wrote where he talks about a woman going down on him in a club bathroom... are you going to complain that he sexualized that woman? or when he talks about how he stole his friend's mom's bra... are you going to whine about how he sexualized her? because that's him sexualizing a real-life person. i mean cmon if sexualizing real people is so bad, lets at least keep our morals consistent.
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