#i dont want to live in a constant state of anxiety anymore. nothing is getting better. i want it all to stop.

[neonqueerautumn]

.

[madness-descent]

tw: self harm; suicide; depression; grief; sex; alcohol

cool i think now i have a place to talk without judgment because twitter is totally off limits i guess??

but anyway i just wanted to vent a bit about how im doing lately because i just feel extremely alone even if im surrounded of people

i mean, i lived by myself and then my friend came to live with me after some happenings. and dont get me wrong, its been fun and helpful to have someone else around but as times pass i just feel we dont have the same pace you know

we have some conditions in common like adhd but even then we work differently, as you would expect from two different people right

but on top of that i deal with severe depression and anxiety, and a recently discovered autism just explained half of my life and a big part of my problems growing up

and this is a constant state of slowly getting better and just brutally falling again and again and again. except now i just feel i hit rock bottom or at least almost. it also looks like im being a problematic teenager but im literally a whole grown ass adult and it makes me feel so lesser than for having this kind of problems nowadays when i tried so hard to be the perfect child for my parents, not have any issue that would make me look like "those" teens at school

i feel horrible, i feel lost, i feel alone and i feel like a lost cause altogether

when i was younger like preschool or something i was so certain i would live past 15 for ???? whatever reason. so you might understand my face when i realised i had a whole life to figure out in three years.

and in three years my depression got worse, i had terrible problems with an older guy at school abusing me, i dropped out of school, wasnt nearly as admired and recognised as i was so hard trying to be. like not to mention the famous daddy issues and my desperate attempts for attention and father/male validation, which got me into a bunch of dangerous situations

but now thinking about my past weeks and months... i really just feel i have no salvation whatsoever and i wish i could just;;;;; not exist right now

when i thought things were finally coming together a little bit, my boyfriend dies in january and i sunk oh so low... it's like the whole world falling apart right below my feet and suddenly not absolutely anything has meaning no more

grief a long ass road but god it is a fucking hill

and now i find myself facing grief and a house to administrate and a job to work well at and a relationship with my friend to maintain

and then we get to how we have a different pace... she's the unorganised adhd but gets boosts of energy and cleans everything to make herself feel better. i on the other hand am kind of unorganised but it's of more a question of not cleaning than messing up. which serves nothing when you have to work together to maintain a house and a relationship

but a big part of my time is consumed by being too depressed to clean the house, too depressed to wash the dishes, too depressed to eat, too depressed to shower, too depressed to get up from bed. and i think it's something you can't really get when you don't have depression as well yk

recently we had so many arguments about me not helping, leaving everything for her to do, that we can't wait for me to magically have strength to do my chores. and dont get me wrong she's real understanding but i feel like she just cant get this part. i mean dealing with adhd she also has her moments of hyperfixating on something and not doing anything else for the whole day, which i kind of have too but she now takes meds for it. she can get out of bed, she can have the energy to shower. i dont.

like i take three different meds but they help with such a small part of me that my hardest chore every single day is literally getting out of bed. and i just cant help it

then i had a shutdown and anxiety/panic attack at work about all this stuff and how i dont have my most intimate and closest person anymore. i dont get to share anymore when im happy or sad, or tell about my day, ask about his day, share our horny moments and just solely having someone to talking about almost everything. i just dont have him anymore and it makes me want to die it makes me want to kill myself just so we can be together again.

we will never share any of those moments anymore and it's also kind of his own fault. dying of something preventable, dying of something you were warned about. even when i asked so much for him to take care of himself and dont leave me alone.

and now he's not here anymore and i cant even hate him for it because i still love him so much. it feels like my heart has been ripped apart, like something just bit off a huge part of me that i will never have back

it makes me lose even more of the strength i didnt even have in the first place

now i came to a point where i got so impulsive and reckless i got to talk to strangers online in a way too unhealthy way, looking for someone to meet and fuck or something ??????? getting to the point i drank hiding and my head is like spinning and i feel real insane.

and i thought why not and gave it a try and decided to cut myself. and if felt oh so good. i felt so euphoric like i was invencible, and it made me feel more horny and more excited and more incredible at each cut. i just wanted more

now it's when i find someone to meet right that moment. past midnight. and i did as quietly as i could, i got up, cleaned the mess i left behind me, dressed up and off to meet a total stranger i went

the first moments were everything i wanted at that moment. having my needs met and having sex with a stranger, feeling the last moments of the alcohol and the euphoria from the cuts still burning in my veins

but i needed to go to the bathroom.

and it was at that moment when i looked at me below the bright light that i realised what i have done to myself. and i got anxious. now i needed to leave but i couldnt explain why because he never noticed the scars, or at least didn't mention it.

and it goes with the classic: i ask him not to get mad that i needed to leave, but he wanted more. it's not like i dint want to give, but i just couldnt continue like that. and he pushes it til the moment the cab arrives and he needs to open the door for me because it's a dead end. but he is visibly mad, dont even look at me and dont cares about giving me goodbye anymore. it made me scared at the moment but i went anyway

and i got home. walking in dead silence. put my home clothing again, put everything in it's place again and go try to sleep to pretend it didnt happen, with an unprescripted slightly higher dose of my sleeping meds than i was supposed to take

now it's just another low day where i tell my friend i did something bad and show her my legs, then she keeps a watch on me the rest of the day. she was understanding, she was caring, but i dont think she got my motivations

and now im back at being non verbal and not doing anything and not having strength to get up, to do my chores, anything. playing videogames the whole day to pretend i didnt just fucked up in all senses and trying to pretend i dont exist

but now it's time to go back to work. i mean, her, bc i have been on medical leave this whole time.

and it's her doing the chores again, going to the market, making the food, taking care of everything and being stressed and angry at me again for it

but the thing i want you to understand is that it's not because i stopped being non verbal that i stopped feeling like shit

i still have severe depression and i still can't "just do" things. i cant. im trying but i cant

and if feels so lonely because i don't have someone i can talk about this anymore

yeah i do therapy, yeah i go to a psychiatrist. i have lots of good friends that care about me, or so they say, but it's just not the same thing. i have a hard time maintaining regular communication with my friends and i cant just start trauma dumping someone, especially when most of my friends also deal with their on mental stuff and such

and it's not easy to simply open up and tell her about this, even if she says i can count on her for this. i cant just tell her that i believe we're better off apart because it's difficult.

and it's not that i dont like living with her, but our paces dont match and there's nothing i can do about it because it's not a question of simply wanting to do something

is being able to

and im not

yes if she wasnt here i wouldnt be eating, and showering, and washing the dishes, i wouldnt be doing anything but what im trying the most now that is at the very least check on my cats and give them food and water and clean their litter box at the very least once a day.

now the worst part is knowing it's not over. and i will certainly do it again, because i want to do it again

im trying to but i want so bad to cut myself again and be able to feel good once more, feel a that euphoria coming back

also now that i think of, after breaking this barrier of not self harming, im just so close to being able to commit suicide. this suicide i have been idealising and planning for years now. waiting for it, yearning for it.

and i have the means to.

anyways if you read everything thank you for your crumb of attention. drink water and be safe.

i also would like to specify that i dont (maybe yet) participate in self harm communities and i dont support them: because not a single person should feel they need to go through this and do these things to themselves.

bye.

[st4rb04rd]

I dont know how i feel right now. Empty is a great word to describe it, i guess. Maybe in a state of constant anxiety. My chest feels tight. My eyes are watering. I don't know what to say. But i have to say something. To get it off my chest, even if there's nothing to get off. I don't want to breathe anymore. I dont think my parents like me. I think i talk too much. I think people are going to get fed up with me and just leave. It's happened before. And i dont know how to feel anymore. The silence is fucking deafening but i cant put anything to stop it. I hate this. I dont know what 'this' is. Probably life. I think living is the problem. Who knows at this point. Maybe if i killed myself i'd stop feeling like this. But i'll never get around to it because i'm too scared. What the fuck is wrong with me?

[whumpingcrow]

Pt.18 "Poor Thing"

CW: noncon (explicit, 18+ please), dubcon, blood mention, injury mention, multiple whumper mention, whumpee in a collar, death mention, captivity whump, panic attack, alcohol, verbal abuse, homophobic slur, creepy/intimate whumper, August is pretty foul in this chapter so general warning for him, slight dehumanization (let me know if I missed anything!)

August didn't want Elias anymore. That had to be what was happening. Why else would he not come looking for him, why else was he allowing him to be used up and abused by all these strangers in this room the entire night? It seemed like each time one person came in and did something to him, they would leave and tell someone else, and it felt like it had stretched on for hours, and still August never came looking for him. He felt dirty, sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, covered in a sheen of sweat and tears and blood and people's disgusting fluids. His shirt was torn in some places, his shorts riding low on his hips, the only thing that remained perfectly intact was the collar around his neck, which someone had tightened further at some point and he couldn't figure out how to loosen again. August didn't want him anymore, so he was giving him up to be used by whoever else wanted to use him. And that was more painful than anything that had been done to him the last hour or two.

When the door opened again, Elias could have let out an anguished scream, tell them to leave him the absolute fuck alone and suck themselves off or use their left hand, but all he had the energy for was a hopeless flinch. He didn't even want to look up, a fire went shooting up his neck and through his jaw when he moved his head. He closed his eyes when the person approaching crouched down in front of him. Maybe if they saw how tired he was, they would take the hint and leave him alone. Instead, he felt a few slender ice cold fingers wrap around his wrist, slowly lifting his hand away from his body.

"I...I can't," he sniffled weakly, his voice wobbly and far away, "please. Please, I can't." He said it without much conviction, all hope that anyone would be able to understand him was long gone, and so his begging had been reduced to tiny, feeble whines, for the most part.

The person let out a soft hushing sound, then something cool and smooth was pressed into his palm. When he got up the courage to open his eyes, he was surprised to see a glass of water being pushed into his hand. He looked up at the person, at the young woman with wild orange hair and a round face that he couldn't find any outright malicious intent behind. She let go of his wrist, then tipped the bottom of the glass until it fell against his lips. He didn't realize how thirsty he was until the cold liquid hit his parched throat, and he guzzled it down gratefully. It tasted better than anything he'd ever had, he felt tears in his eyes at how grateful he was for it.

"Are you hurt?" She finally asked him. Her accent was heavy, her voice low and silvery. He could openly sob at how kind she was speaking to him, and the fact that it was in English.

"Oh," he breathed, his chin dropping to his chest as he relaxed from the stress that was turning his muscles to stone, "p-please can you find...can you help me find August?" He begged.

"I...I can. But are you hurt? You're bleeding." As she said it, she reached out with the skirt of her dress and wiped away some blood from his mouth.

"I'm ok. Th-think I got slapped a couple times." He took a deep, shuddery breath, then all at once realized she wasn't going to hurt him and he felt an overwhelming relief set in, one that tore a broken sob through his throat. "Oh god. Jesus fuck."

"You're alright. Do you have a name?" She sunk back to a sitting position, one that probably would be considered unladylike in her flowing dress, and watched him carefully. He was confused as to why she was sitting at his level, looking right at him, having spent the last few hours with people towering over him or suffocatingly close on top of him. He saw her eyes flick down to his collar, the tag there, but she didn't say Bunny, she only looked back up at him expectantly and waited for him to answer himself. He loved her at that moment.

"It's Elias." He cried, using the back of his hand to wipe the tears and sweat and grime from his cheeks.

"Ok Elias. My name is Camille." She hesitated for a moment, then readjusted her skirt. "Can I get you anything?"

Elias shook his head quickly, sniffing a few times. "Please don't leave me alone in here," he was rushing, pleading, "someone else will find me, please don't leave me here-"

"Ok, ok," she soothed, "I won't." She shifted a little, glancing up at the door nervously. "You...You’re not supposed to be here, are you? You have somewhere else you call home, right?”

Elias blinked at her, beginning to tremble all over. He thought about the truth, that he only came so that he didn't have to see someone die for the second time, someone that he loved more than anything. Suddenly he couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything, hear anything, besides Tyson crying, bleeding, begging him not to leave, as if he had a choice. He wanted nothing more than to be back in his arms, but he also knew August wouldn't just leave it at that, he would come back and hurt them both. He wasn’t worth all the pain and trouble, Tyson deserved better.

"I...I want to go home but it's not s-safe." He covered his face with shaking hands, trying to mute his frightened sobs.

"Why isn't it safe, Elias?" Timidly, she leaned forward, rubbing gently at his arm to try and calm him.

"August will hurt me... he'll hurt me and Tyson if I go back home. It's easier if I just stay here." Even as he said it, rushing the words out like he was afraid August would come and hear him speaking ill of him, his shoulders shook with his cries and he could hardly stay sitting upright.

Now Camille was silent, then she quickly pulled him against her chest and held him close, stroking through his unruly hair. The whines of despair he let out made her chest ache with pity, and she couldn't do enough to comfort him. She was so frightened for him, this was beyond what she was used to seeing, a person being kept in this condition. He was so torn up, so traumatized and haunted, and she didn't really want to think about what had been done to him before she found him. She'd heard others mumbling about a new toy in the other room, had heard “pet” thrown around a few times, but she didn't expect a person. And in this state, she could never live with herself if she just left him here.

"Listen to me," she began, using all of her might to keep her tone calm and even, "I'm going to help you. Where's your home?"

He was so tense and rigid in her arms, she could practically feel the conflict he had about telling her, he wanted to leave but he was so afraid, and she could feel his hopelessness starting to drip off of him and soak through her dress and onto her, too. "In Los Angeles," he breathed, "w-with Tyson Banks."

"Ok. I'll find him, and then I'll come back for you. Ok? Can you wait for me?"

He wept again, forcing himself to nod his head. He could wait, if it meant he could get back to Tyson, get home, he could wait.

She pulled away from him then, telling him that she would leave the room so that he could calm down. He felt better when she promised she would wait just outside the door for him, make sure no one would come in to bother him, and he could come to her if he needed anything.

The room was silent for the few moments that Elias was alone, and he could hear the laughter and loud voices of the drunk people through the walls. He couldn't comprehend how any of them could be having such a good time after seeing him in the state he was in now. He guessed that it was different to them, that it felt good to be the one in control, but he still felt baffled by it.

He didn't have much time to dwell on it before the door was swinging open. August stomped in, throwing a bitter look at Camille, who had foolishly just tried to convince him to stay out of the room. He shut the door behind him hard, then approached Elias with his face set in a frown.

"Where have you been?" He grumbled, taking in Elias’s newly disheveled state. "What happened to you?"

His tone was angry, and Elias realized then that August hadn't known what was happening, that what he allowed all of those people to do to him was wrong, and his lungs burned in newfound anxiety.

"I'm s-so sorry, August!" Elias cried, reaching up to grab at August's shirt to try and steady himself. His apology was desperate, despite how he couldn't force it to be very loud. He pulled himself to his wobbly knees with a huff. "I didn't want to do an-any of it but you told me...you told me I was made to be used and they wouldn't listen to me b-b-but I tried I t-"

"Shut up, Eli," August snapped at him, setting him on the edge of the bed and staring at him hard. Elias tried to sit straight, to not look so god damn used up and ugly, but he didn't think there was much he could do to pull that off, his grime felt heavily visible. August's voice was gravelly when he spoke again. "Who did this to you?" He looked over Elias again, shaking his head disdainfully at him when he was still silent, then snapped, "who the fuck did this?!"

Elias flinched, his eyes squeezing shut so he wouldn't have to see the strike he felt was coming. "I don't know! E-everyone! People just kept coming in and...and then when they left more people... I do-dont know!" He froze when August walked toward him, grabbing his shoulders aggressively as he did.

"What did they do?" Now his voice was eerily steady and calm, and he sounded bitterly furious, and Elias was shaking in every inch of his body. "What did they do to you?"

Having to think about it again, about the hands and the noises and the bodies and the constant breathlessness made Elias panicky again, and with an anguished sob he became pliable in August's bruising grip, subjecting himself to any punishment August saw fit. "E...everything." He cried, whimpering at how August's fingers pressed harder into the soft skin of his arms. "I'm s-so sorry!"

When August tossed him to the ground, he couldn't help the loud shriek of pain that he let out. He was already so tired and sore, he couldn't even peel himself off of the carpet once he was down. He felt...broken. Pathetic.

"You really are just a stupid fucking idiot, aren't you?!" August shouted at him, his voice erratic and full of poison. Elias had heard him angry before, sure, but he didn't think he'd ever heard this much fury in his words. He must have really messed up. Terror tightened around his lungs when August crouched down and grabbed the collar with both hands, yanking him forward until their faces were intimidatingly close and Elias could smell the alcohol on August's breath. "Does this mean nothing to you?! You are mine, you pathetic little faggot!"

He should apologize, he knew he should beg and plead and say that he was sorry because he was so disgusting and horrid, but he couldn't get any words out, he couldn't even breathe. He was completely paralyzed, aside from the horrible trembling, blown eyes staring into August's face as tears spilled down his cheeks. With hands at his throat and his windpipe uncomfortably crushed, he felt an icy dread, a realization that he wouldn't be saved this time, this time death would take him and keep him, and he was afraid. That girl, Camille, was going to help him, she said. She couldn't help him if he was dead.

"P...please, August," he finally forced out in a whisper, barely audible. "I-I-I’m so s-sorry, August. I'm y-yours, I know tha-that. Ple-please."

People were still laughing just outside. August was breathing heavily, Elias hardly at all, and for a moment, couldn't have been longer than one thud of Elias's wild heartbeat, August looked just as frightened as Elias felt.

Maybe it was how quiet Elias was, how he could barely get the words out, how horribly he was shaking and utterly unable to do anything to fight back or struggle, or maybe a combination of them all; but something about the way Elias was so pitifully shattered made August just...let go of him, dropping him back to the ground with a deep, tired sigh. He stood up, looking down at Elias as he curled into himself and choked out a few feeble whimpers. He stayed down for a few more moments, then he forced himself back up to his feet with a breathless whine, feeling August's interested gaze on him as he stumbled forward. August was waiting for him to topple over, with how run down he looked. He looked just about on his last leg, like a wounded beyond recovery animal that should be put out of his misery. August was starting to hate himself for selfishly keeping him alive in these conditions. Poor thing.

"They hurt you?" August asked, although his voice was only vaguely interested. Elias ignored the question entirely and instead nestled into August’s chest, not even caring that he didn't reciprocate the touch.

"M'sorry," he sighed heavily, closing his eyes, "s-so sorry, August."

With a disgruntled hum, August moved Elias away from him and started to undo the buttons on his shirt, watching him start to squirm, physically overwhelmed by the fear of being touched anymore than he had already been that night. He was silent, didn't have the means to beg August not to, but his body language practically screamed don't do this to me please no more I can't take it.

"Not gonna do anything, Bunny," August assured him, pulling his ruined shirt off of his slender shoulders carefully, "you're filthy, just gonna clean you off." Now that he was looking him over without the haze of anger over his eyes, he could really see how scared he looked, and he was appalled at himself on Elias's behalf. To be used and hurt and defiled by all those strangers, and here August had wanted to take it out on him, make him think it was his fault. Somewhere in his explanation he mentioned how August had said he existed to be used, he was only doing as he was told, how dare August punish him for that? And he couldn't be too sure, but he did sound remorseful with his apology, like he truly believed he was in the wrong, even though August knew he wasn't. Usually he loved when Elias was apologetic like this, but now it seemed to weigh so heavily on him and it was only depressing and bleak, not tragically beautiful like usual.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper with you," he said grudgingly, stroking Elias’s hair back and out of his face. His fingertips caught in a few knots and tugged just a little, and Elias flinched. "I'm just...I'm pretty drunk and I was upset that you'd disappeared."

Elias winced at the apology, like he couldn't handle the idea that August was in the wrong. "I told them I didn't want to. I said that you wouldn't like it, that I shouldn't, they didn't listen to me-"

"Angel," August cut him off, swiping at the tears on his cheek, "Elias, listen to me sweetheart. You're alright, I shouldn't have reacted that way." Elias whined in response, refusal to accept the obviously misplaced apology written all over his face. August could see the distant storm clouds of panic cycling back across Elias's face, in the way his eyebrows twitched and his eyes darted around the room, blinking furiously.

"N-no, I messed up. I messed up and I'm so fucking sorry I'm so sorry August ple-" before he could escalate back into hysteria, August pulled him into a tight embrace, swaying him side to side slowly. Every now and then a tremor made him collapse further into the hug, and he let out a small, pathetic mewl, and August wondered if it hurt to stand. Instead of asking, he just scooped him up into his arms and took him to the bed, holding him to his chest as he sank down to the mattress.

Because of the way he answered, August wasn't sure exactly what all those people had done to him, but it must have taken quite a toll on him, because within 15 minutes he was asleep, melted against the bed and August's chest heavily. August could feel Elias's fingers twitching slightly as he stroked his fingertips over his skin and through his hair melodically, telling himself it was just to make up for all the harshness of the past few hours, pretending he wasn't enjoying holding him so close and touching him so innocently.

He tried to ignore the buzzing of people just outside for a little longer, pretend that all the intolerable people weren't really there, drinking his booze and messing up his house like they hadn’t just put Elias through hell, but he had to slide out from under Elias eventually to get them to leave. He was glad that there were only a handful of stragglers left, all left with no issue. He poured himself another drink and forced himself to tidy up a little, but he couldn't find the motivation in his drunk, distressed state. Instead he went back to the bedroom, shedding his own clothes with exasperated grunts here and there, surprising himself by not spilling the drink in his hand.

He stopped in the doorway of the second guest room, observing Elias sleeping for a few minutes. He was still in the collar, his frail arms wrapped around himself to replace the warmth that left when August did. He wondered if Elias was really sorry, if he really believed he belonged to August, if any of what he said in his panicked or tortured states were true. He wanted it to be, he wanted his twisted pet to be devoted to him only, to need him, to ache for him, that was the point of all of this, wasn't it?

After he polished off his drink, he crawled slowly on top of Elias, watching him stir just a little before settling back into sleep. He kissed his nose gently, then his cheek, watching his lips twitch slightly when he kissed him there, then he let out a soft hum when August kissed his shoulder. His body was clinging onto sleep still, he probably wasn't even aware of the minuscule sounds he was making every time August's lips pressed into his skin. It was when his mouth was against Elias's rib cage, lapping at the rapid thumping of his heart and the uneven rise and fall of his breath, that he finally woke up, his hands dragging along the sheets until his fingers brushed against August's wrist.

"What are you doing?" He grumbled, his nose wrinkling as he forced himself into consciousness. He blinked a few times, looking fearfully up at August.

“I feel awful about what happened,” August mumbled, trailing his thumb down Elias’s sternum teasingly to his naval, “And I bet you none of those bastards even thought about making you feel good, huh? They all took whatever they wanted and didn’t think twice about you, right?”

A light blush caught on his tired face, and Elias had to tilt his head back because when August was looking up at him, so close, eyes hooded with alcohol and lust, it was too damn hard to look at him head on. He let out a soft sigh, too exhausted to beg August not to keep touching him and talking to him that way. "R...right."

"Poor thing. It's a damn shame, for them," he continued, "they don't know how much fun it is to make you feel good." He ran his palm the rest of the way down his stomach until his fingers latched onto the waistband of his shorts, tugging at them lazily.

"August I-" he began, but he was silenced as August reached up to hold his face. There was no use protesting, there never was. And August had been so unbelievably angry earlier, Elias didn't want to risk setting him off. He had to play it safe, he reminded himself, had to survive until Camille came back for him. He took his bottom lip into his mouth, could taste blood from the busted part of his mouth when he did.

"You can sleep if you want, Bunny. You just lay back and relax, let me take care of you." His finger trailed over Elias's throat, just above the tight collar he still had on, watching him quiver at the touch with a grin. Finally, he offered a reluctant nod, turning his head to the side in a sort of surrender.

August was still drunk, so it didn't take long for his touches to go from trying to make Elias feel better to selfishly toying with him. He had said Elias could sleep, but the closest he got to that was closing his eyes tight and pretending he wasn't awake, or there, or alive at all, feeling tears streaming down his cheeks. August didn't care that he was crying, in face at one point he leaned over and kissed a few of the tears away, whispering something of a lewd compliment in his ear.

Elias tried to convince himself that, despite how it felt, August using him like this was different than the others, better in a way. August knew him, there was some type of affection behind it, something besides sick lust. But even though he wanted to believe that, when his eyes were closed, August was just another body, taking what it wanted, making itself feel good at Elias's expense. Elias wondered if that's all he was, too, just on the other end of the spectrum, he was just a body to be used.

At one point, he really did fall asleep, his body too exhausted to stay awake, even more tired out from struggling against August every now and then. He lay under August, head tilted back and brow furrowed slightly, tiny whines and breathless moans were slipping past his partly opened mouth. August pulled off of him soon after that, pulling the blanket over the both of them, holding Elias close against his chest as he slept. Against his better judgement, he left the collar on, listening to Elias's weak gasps as he tried to breathe around it. He'd slip it off later, he just wanted to enjoy it for a little longer. That was his dynamic with Elias, after all, forcing him through pain and discomfort until it was too much, and then more, just for good measure. Through his drunken haze, August felt pride in his work, in how much he'd broken him down. All of the guilt he felt days ago for how much he'd hurt him was gone then, replaced by a warm and fuzzy fondness. He watched his perfectly trained pet sleep for awhile longer, than eventually the booze carried him into a dark and dreamless rest as well.

[badwolf-winchester]

Ancient Bloodlines

Pairing: Loki x Emy Nightstar (OC)

OC Summary: Emy is the newest Avenger. She specializes in Magic and close range attacks/ weapons. Her heritage is unknown to her as she was left at an orphanage door step when she was a young girl with only the memory of her name. She goes by her nickname Emy but has never told anyone her full name as its a reminder of her being abandoned. Emy can see through any illusion and Magic no matter how powerful they are or how strong the magic is and is unaware of this. Her powers include Telekinesis, Elemental Control, True Sight (as stated above) Enhanced healing and Shifting (she wont discover this till much later in the story). She loves to read, listen to music, play violin, sing, and draw.

Story Info: Takes place after infinity wars. Tony and Natasha are alive Steven comes back from the future after giving back the infinity stones. Vision is alive and living with Wanda in the tower. Thor and Loki live in the tower with the rest of the Avengers and for the sake of the story Himedall is alive and living with the rest of the Asgardians on earth in New Asgard (you will find out why later)

One last thing: Please do not repost my work on any other site or social media, however reblogging on here is fine. I work hard on all of my fanfics and it’s disappointing when people take my work as their own. I am the creater of all my OCs such as Sora Nightstar, Emy Nightstar, and Lithium Nightstar. My inbox is open for any and all requests as i am a multi fandom writer. Let me know how you like the story and i will do my best to answer any and all questions. As always i encourage any and all feedback as it helps with my writing. I hope you all like it!

The Beginning

They say that your parents are there to teach you the rules of the world, but what happens when you have no parents? Who will teach you then? The world is cruel but people are crueler. Ive learned this first hand when the person i trusted most in this world left me on the door step of the St. Trinity’s Orphanage. I was 9 when my mother told me she didn’t want me anymore and i guess I couldn’t really blame her. I mean who could love someone who couldn’t control the powers that grew with each passing year. Someone who started fires out of thin air when they had nightmares, conjured whirlwinds when startled, unfurled earthquakes when angered, spring forth rain showers when sad, and levitate objects when riddled with anxiety. I will never forget that day for its seared into my mind like its own person brand echoing with every beat of my heart. A monster thats what she called me, her own flesh and blood was a monster in her eyes, and i could see the relief when she ran from the solid oak door finally rid of the burden she had to put up with throughout the years. An abomination she cried as she reached the cobblestone sidewalk eager to be rid of me and by the pace she was going at i could tell she had more spring in her step than on the walk over from the bus we exited from. Unnatural she bellowed as she disappeared around the corner a ghost of a smile springing from her lips as she disappeared. These where the last words i would ever hear from my mother, if thats what you would call her.

Emy’s POV

Tonight was just like any other. Crisp cold air submerged the city in a blanket of dark and silence while it settled into your bones. I never minded the cold in fact I welcomed it, it reminded me of the cabin i found one year after running away from one of the many abusive foster homes i was forced to stay with. I’ll admit it was one of the times I was able to avoid the social workers for longer than a week and the happiest I had ever been in my life up until i was captured by Hydra. When I had a flair up with my powers, which usually ended up being fire, i would immediately get sent back to St. Trinity’s but this time i ran before they had the chance to toss me aside. The staff there used to place bets on how long i would stay with a family, they would joke saying i was cursed or jinxed but i knew the truth, no one wanted me. Once the parents found out about my abilities I was sent packing. I was labeled as a flight risk and a danger to others which only deepened my anti socialism.

Walking through the streets of New York i pull my dark purple jacket on and my dark brown hair in a pony tail as I get closer to my destination. Because i don’t feel the effects of the cold weather Tony, being such the dad figure he is, has made it his priority to make sure i still wear one just incase so here i was walking home in black ripped up jeans, a black v neck T-shirt, black and purple checkered vans and a light weight dark purple jacket. With my headphones in my ears and “I like it heavy” by Halestorm blasting I make my way to the place i call home, Stark Tower. Walking through the front doors i make my way past the receptionist who always greets me with a bright smile. As I walk towards the elevator I give her a small smile back and a head nod. After entering the elevator and pressing the button for the penthouse I start to reflect on how i got here.

By the time i was 15 Hydra found me in that cabin and took me away. I went from hopping from family to family to being used as a science experiment, constantly being poked and prodded just so they could get a reaction out of me. As a child my powers where very unstable mostly flaring up with my emotions, its no wonder that Hydra caught wind of me its not like i was hiding it very well or more so that i couldn’t hide it. They tried to wipe my memory to gain control of me “a blank slate” is what they wanted, but for some reason, they failed as I wasn’t susceptible to their conditioning methods no matter how much time i spent in the chair. However, I could tell they were scared of me I could see it in their eyes. This didn’t last long though as they used what they called their perfect weapon code name Winter Soldier to beat me into submission. After that first meeting that left me with a broken arm and a fractured ankle i started to obey, since then Ive met the Soldier a couple of times but if he remembers me he dosent let on and I dont blame him, he has been in that chair so many times Im genuinely surprised he can even remember how to walk. He is stronger than the others as most of the other test subjects had turned to vegetables after the 4th mind wipe, he was on his 10th the last time i saw him with Hydra.

Another test was done on me and this one was different. They used a teseract? If thats what they called it I can’t be sure nor did I care all I could feel was pain like as if someone injected lava in my veins. After they injected me I started screaming after a while I couldn’t even hear myself anymore, my throat was so sore and horse from the constant roar of my agony I just wanted it to end. How long was I out for? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? They didn’t keep clocks there or at least not in the dungeon like cell they had me in. When the fire faded i was left with this numbness and after further tests I realized that I was immune to fire. I can literally stick my hand in fire and i will be left untouched and unscorched. They did the same test with freezing temperatures to see if they could subdue me at least in some way. I must have been out longer than just a couple of days as during the tests i didn’t recognize any of the Doctors. In that moment I realized something, if they were trying to contain me then something must have happened to the soldier. It was time to plan my escape.

Back in my cell i could hear footsteps approaching me and then stop short. One of the scientists frantically trying to talk some sense into someone just out of my line of sight. “She is immune to anything we throw at her sir. We have done every test we could there is nothing left for us to do.” One of the goons in a lab coat stated to what i assumed is a higher up. “Bolden If her powers keep growing at the rate they are it could be days in which she will be unstoppable and with the soldier gone we dont have anything that can keep her in line. She broke Mandy and Rays arms the last time we tested her. She is getting too strong.” Brining a hand up to his chin the higher up Bolden stepped out of the shadows and looked at me with deep interest before he turned to looked at the man and scoffed. As he walked away i felt a cold chill ran down my back as I anticipated what was to become of me; I knew it was nothing good i had already broken their rules. His next words only confirmed what I feared. “ Its simple. Break her spirit or kill her Doctor. And when i say break her i mean in anyway means necessary.” His sadistic laugh is the last thing i remember before everything went black.

Its been 2 years since i have escaped and now I’m living in the avengers tower. I don’t remember what happened after that night in my cell its all a blur of red, screams, and gunshots. When i woke up next i was in a 6ft crater where I was being held captive without a scratch on me. Trees were uprooted and fallen over as if a bomb went off. Luckily the Avengers showed up not long after me waking up and took me to their base where i met Directer Fury. With his permission and 24/7 surveillance provided by Tony Stark via FRIDAY and training sessions to get my powers under control i was allowed to join the Avengers and fight for good. Little did i know that by agreeing to this I would end up in the path of a certain God or Gods who were also taking residence at the tower.

With the sound of a *ding* the elevator shook me out of my mind and back to the present. As i exited the elevator I pulled my head phones out of my ears and was instantly met with the sound of Tony losing his mind. “Where did she go? She knows she can’t be out this late. She could be taken again! Its 5 minutes past her curfew!” Rolling my eyes I roll my headphones up and shove them in my pocket and round the corner. “Tony it takes 5 minutes to get from the lobby to the penthouse calm down. I bet she will walk through that door anytime now.” Came the sweet voice of reason of none other than Pepper Potts. “I’m Home.” I said in a deadpan voice as i walked by the couple only for Tony to stand up and intercept me by placing a hand on my upper arm. “Where did you go and why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow pushing his hand off me. “Tony its Wednesday. I have training with Strange on Wednesdays and I had Friday alert you as I was leaving but you were in the lab with Bruce.” Not sure what to say next Tony mumbled a small apology. “Sorry I was just worried about you. I know you are grown enough to make your own choices as you are 25 but I just want to make sure you are safe. How was the training with The Wizard?” Sighing and shaking my head just wanting to go the library and read I decided to just let it go. “Strange is a hard ass that much you already know. It wasnt bad actually I think I’m warming up to him. I didn’t spontaneously throw him to the wall when he snuck up behind me as i was going over the ancient texts so i call that improvement.” I said sheepishly while side stepping around him. “I’m gonna go to the library now and grab some light reading before bed you guys have a good night.” With out waiting for a response I quickly made my way towards my new destination only to have Tony saying something about guests in the house but I ignored him.

Pushing open the library door I make my way to the poetry section to grab my usual copy of Edgar Allen Poe that I read before bed. As my had reached for the spot i knew i put the book in i find that its not there. “Wait what? Where is my book? I know I put it back here before I left for training so where did it go?” Frustrated I stomp back over to the entrance and rip open the door ready to go on a murder spree while shouting down the hallway. “CLINT! You better give me back my night time book or I’m breaking all your arrows again! No one reads in this tower but me! How stupid do you think I am!?” Straining my ears I listen for any type of movement but was met with dead silence. After a minute I finally hear movement through the vents coming from the west part of the tower and I take off sprinting. Sliding around a corner I barely miss colliding with Steve and Bucky who look like they were on their way back from a mission. Offering a quick apology before I continue my pursuit I hear Steve yell “Hey! No running in the tower!” Not faltering in my hot pursuit of the Hawk thief I continue to zip through the tower ignoring the Captains words until i was almost to the vent that lead to the 2 level family room. Using the railing for the steps leading down to the family area to give me more height i jumped as close to the vent as possible and conjured my signature Scythe to slice through it while twisting in the air kicking the vent free and off its track. A shocked and terrified scream resonates from the vent as the culprit falls to the ground with a thud and a grunt. I landed in a crouched position and slowly straightened to my full hight. “What the hell Emy?! When did you learn to do that?!” Clint yells as he sits up rubbing his left shoulder that he landed on. I started stalking towards him with the blade of my scythe scrapping across the ground as i went while giving him a death glare. “Give me back my book Barton.” At the mention of his last name his head snapped up to me fear replacing the pain from his fall. “Oh shit last name not good.” Scrambling up on his feet he turns and runs towards the common room that connects to the elevator with me hot on his tail and my scythe trailing behind me in my right hand.

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!!” He yells as he makes it fully to the room only to fling forward as i jump and kick his back tired of all the running. Twirling my weapon around I place it at his neck sneering at him. “I will not ask you again.” I said placing pressure on his neck with my blade. Sensing a fast moving object coming from my left from the kitchen I move my head back 3 inches as what looked like a hammer flew by me embedding itself in the wall. Turning my head slowly in the direction of the flying object, I confirmed it was indeed a hammer that was thrown at me. Irritation flared through me as i released Clint from the end of my scythe and turned fully to the kitchen to face my attacker. There stood 2 men that i did not recognize, one tall oak of a man with blond short hair, blue eyes and tan skin in blue jeans, a red T-shirt ,and grey jacket. the other shorter man made me stare at him and faultier for a second as he was so different from anyone i have ever seen, dark blue skin covered his entire body with darker almost black symbols and piercing red eyes, long black hair with black jeans, a green dress shirt and black jacket. Tearing my gaze away from his own curious one i looked between both men before i clenched my jaw letting my irritation settle back in. “Which one of you threw that hammer.” I said venom dripping with every word. “Whoa its ok Emy thats just Thor and Loki they are the asgardian Gods that live here in the tower part time when they are not in Norway.” Clint said standing up quickly. Not moving from my position i narrowed my eyes and flicked them over in Clint’s direction. The ground started to shake as my irritation and annoyance grew to anger remembering what i was doing before being interrupted by the Gods. Throwing his hands up in surrender he then quickly reached into his back pocket and retrieved my book. “Ok ok dont blow a fuse Em.” He said while tossing me my possession stopping me from causing an earthquake. Catching it in the air with my left had I inspected the book to make sure it wasn’t damaged before I let go of my scythe, with a wave of my hand it disappeared back to the pocket dimension I keep it in then looked back at Clint as the tremors stopped. “Touch my things again and i will be wearing your guts like my mom’s pashmina.” I said to the thief before walking out of the room and disappeared down the hallway not giving the Gods a second glance. As I entered my room i could hear a silky voice ring out from the kitchen. “Well isnt she interesting.”

Part 2 coming soon

@nickkie1129

[too-much-sunshine]

Fangs for the Hospitality

Chapter 7

Fic Summary: After Roman leaves his family reunion mad at Remus, his car breaks down. The huge snow storm forces him into the forest hes always been told to stay away from. Who will he meet? And why are they being so nice? Most importantly, why are his teeth so sharp?

A/N: I’m so very sorry this chapter took so long to come out…Life happens my guys gals and nonbinary pals.... Ill try and be better!

Relationship: Familial DAM, Eventual Roceit, Eventual Intrulogical

Warnings (per chapter): Roman has social anxiety, he is awkward, food (Let me know if anything else!)

Catch up!:  Master list, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Word Count: 2546

Read on AO3!

Patton and Virgil finished their food first; Patton grabbing both their plates from the table and bringing them into the kitchen. Little Virgil hurried off his chair to follow after him.

Roman watched the two go with a small smile. He remembers how he and his brother used to be that close. 

Flinching slightly remembering the newest memory he has of his brother, he looked down and away from the boys. He ended up staring at his plate which he had only half eaten. He was starting not to feel as hungry anymore.

“Eat up dear, we have a big day in front of us." Janus chimed in.

Roman jumped slightly and looked up to the man who spoke. Janus picked up his wine glass and took a drink. Roman just now realized that Janus never had a plate of food to begin with.

"Aren't you going to eat something too?" He enquired.

"Oh no I've already eaten. Before I fixed you guys' breakfast to make sure it all went smoothly." Janus smiled, taking another sip.

"Oh...alright.." Roman looked back down frowning at his food. He felt dumb for asking, even though it wasnt an ovious answer. His stomach was turning a bit pushing the food around. He didn't want to seem wasteful or ungrateful, but he knew that his anxiety wouldn't let him finish what he had. Luckily the decision on what to do was made for him.

An arm came around Roman and picked up his plate for him. Startled, Roman looked behind himself to see Janus standing there holding Romans plate. He was so quiet Roman didn't even realise he had gotten up.

"It's okay if you don't want the rest, sweetheart. You seem to have been through a lot."

Blushing slightly Roman just nodded his head, avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah sorry...I'm just not..okay right now." He responded weakly.

"Let's clean up a bit and I'll send the kids to play. Then we can talk a bit." Janus said over his shoulder while walking Roman's plate to the kitchen.

Roman didn't respond since it didn't sound like a question. He just crossed his arms and laid his head on the table. 'This is going to be tough…' he thought as Janus came back into the room with Virgil on hip. 

~~~

Remus woke up with a startle, which was quite usual. He didn't ever really sleep that well. Constant nightmares and his lanky figure made it impossible to ever get comfortable anyway.

It also didn't help that Remy just poured a glass of cold water on his head.

"What the fuck!?" Remus shouted jumping up from the couch he was on, shivering as water dripped down his spine. Wait, couch? 

"Bitch. Wake up." He said monotone. "You were like. Twitching and shit. Not a good look."

"Yeah, thanks. I'm sure there was no better way to wake me up.” Remus pulled his shirt over his head and squeezed out as much water as he could. There wasn't much there, but it was a statement. Remy looked at Remus with disgust as he put his shirt back on. 

“Remind me where am I again? What time is it? It's not the first time I've woken up in a random apartment but it's been a while. Much less with my cousin...wrong state for that I believe..." He rambled, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He looked around for his phone while Remy went around the back on the couch to the kitchen area.

"First of all, disgusting. Never say that to me again. And second, Its around 6am. Which is usually too god damn early for anyone. But, you're lucky I like you and Roman." He said, grabbing a mug from the dark wood cabinet. "Oh also you are in my apartment so dont fuck shit up please."

Remus lifted his head from looking under the couch. He tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, blinking around the room. He stood up and walked around a the table to the center of the room to see pretty much everything there is. 

"Your apartment? I thought you lived in like...a mansion with your parents." 

The place was actually quite small. A connected half kitchen and living room. Small tv on a small stand behind a coffee table in front of the light brown couch. There seemed to be two rooms off to the side, but the doors were closed. There was one window in the kitchen, and that was it. A few movie posters were on the wall and nick knacks but otherwise the place looked...normal. it wasn't very fancy, which is the opposite of what Remus expected.

"This is my secret apartment. The one where I go when I don't want to worry about being me. Don't tell anyone, you're lucky I let you be here!" Remy snapped.

Remus continued to look around but said nothing more, feeling that he had crossed a line somewhere.

Remy let out a long sigh and stopped making his drink. With his back turned to Remus he spoke again.

"Look.. I'm sorry. It's been a long night and now it's going to be a long day. I'm tired. Your phone is under the couch by the way."

"What? I looked there,” He said as he dropped back to his knees to check again, “ and It's fine. Just. Why are we worried ag-" and like a flip was switched, all the memories of last night flooded Remus' brain and he snapped up with his phone in hand. "ROMAN! have you found him? Where could he be!?" Remus raced into the kitchen, running into Remy. 

"Did you call anyone!? God he must be so mad! I'm the worst!" Remus continued pacing the room.

"Calm down! Of course I've called everywhere! But havent had any luck! It's only 6am so I couldn't call his work but I will when I can. I thought before then we could drive the way he went. See if he went home at all. The front desk at his apartment said they didn't see him come in last night but they could have missed him. It'll be a drive to get back to the countryside but we can make it. Here babe." He handed Remus a canister. "Its coffee. In the god awful way you like it."

"OoOooO thanks!" Remus said, taking a swig of the chocolaty, sweet coffee. "So. Are we gonna start with his apartment first?" 

"I think it's closer to here and the most likely place he is, yeah let's start there. But listen babes. He might be real mad still so don't push him alright?"

"I'm really worried, Remy. And I'm not usually like this...he's not usually mad like that either...I know I messed but ughhhhhh! Let's just go find him before I explode all over your nice, secret walls okay?"

"Gross hun... let's just go." Remy said, grabbing the keys hanging by the front door.

With that Remus followed Remy out to the hall of the building. After locking the door they took the elevator to Remy's car, but not the nice one he took last night.

"Where did this come from?" Remus asked, taking a seat on the passenger side.

"Last night I borrowed my dad's car and drove them there. But we took a carpool home. I told them I wanted to go out longer and they didn't question." Remy responded by turning the ignition key. "This car was the first I bought with only money I made. It's a piece of shit. And I love it." He finished pulling out of the parking space and turning onto the busy road.

Remus looked around the car. It seemed normal by any standard. Kinda small, a little dirty but it looked taken care of. Remus would have never have expected Remy to want to live like this. To each their own he supposed. It must be nice, he supposed, not having to keep up a facade all the time...

 "I had to do some research but I found where Roman lived. Have you ever been there? I haven't, so I might be wrong on the address." Remy broke Remus' train of thought.

Remus had to think on this question for a second, to restart his brain. Had he? He never really questioned it. He'd been to many of Romans homes before but had he been to this one? He couldn't recall..

"I don't think so but if the front desk recognized his name then he must live there."

"Yeah...that's what I thought too.." Remy said slightly nervously. He started tapping his fingers on the wheel as he drove.

"Why are you acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like weird.."

"I don't think I know what you mean.." Remy said ignoring Remus' tone.

"Listen dude what's up…" 

"I just...this isn't the best area of town. I live in my apartment about 75% of the time to escape my parents. I know this town, along with the areas to avoid. I was hoping I was wrong and he lived somewhere else. But let's just go there and make sure he's alright. Alright?"

"Alright.." Remus ended.

The rest of the ride was quiet as Remus just looked out the window. He had never been to this part of the main town before. He knew that there was a...not so great part of town. Every town has that. But this place looked run down. Old.

Most of the buildings seemed empty. Junk was thrown on the sidewalks, forgotten about. The road and sidewalks were cracked. The people walking around looked dull. It was hard to believe that this is the same town Remus lived in, just a different part of it. A part that Roman lived in…

Remus laid back in his seat staring forward as Remy pulled into a parking lot.

"Welp. We're here..I think. I'm actually quite surprised this place has a front desk at all if I'm being honest.. let's go. I'll ask which apartment is his." Remy encouraged.

Slowly Remus got out of the car and together they walked into the old building.

There was a front desk, surprisingly. Even more surprising was that there was a person behind it. 

There was a short lady behind the desk reading a very worn book. She had snow white hair and dark brown skin. He had both laugh and frown lines in her face. She looked as if she watched them build the whole town.

Remy took a deep breath and walked up to the desk and started to talk.

"Hi my name is Remy and I believe we talked on the phone late last night. We are looking for my cousin Roman. Do you know the apartment number?"

The woman didn't look up from her book, so, thinking she might not have heard him he awkwardly tried to speak up again. 

"Umm...excuse me…? He said a bit louder" 

Still, nothing. Remus shrugged his shoulders when Remy looked over to him.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what to do!" Remus whisper-shouted.

"Bish! You work with people! I don't! Talk to her!" He whispered back.

"Ugh! That's not how it works bitch!"

“I’m sure it helps!”

"Will you two shut up?!" Someone yelled. "This book is just getting good and you two are ruining it!"

Remy and Remus snapped their heads over the voice coming from behind the desk. The old woman was scowling at them harshly. 

"Sorry ma'am. Just looking for our friend. Which apartment is Roman Kingsleys?" Remy questioned quickly.

"Oh Roman?” The womens face opened up into a long smile. “What a sweet boy," her demeanor completely changed as if she was talking about a lifelong friend. "He didn't come home last night...probably at the theater, still. Poor boy. Always working. He's in 103 on the second floor. But I doubt he's home. I've been here all day. It wouldn't be the first time he's fallen asleep on stage" She let out a laugh that sounded like a mix between a window being wiped and a cackle.

After recovering slightly from the whiplash they just got from the woman, they thanked her and turned to walk to the stairs.

"Hold on now!" she stalked after them. They both froze in place. "Why do the likes of you want to go to his house? I can't just let anyone in!" She stopped right next to Remus. She barely came up to his shoulder, yet she was still terrifying. 

"I'm his brother! And this is his cousin! We are just here to say hi…" Remus uttered quickly. He didn't know why this woman made him so anxious. His family was 100 times scarier yet this woman shook him up. Something in the back of Remus' brain told him it was about threat vs action but he ignored that. 

"You better not be lying! That boy is the nicest person to walk in this hellhole." She sneered.

"No ma'am! Just here to see him!" Remy countered. "I-if you don't mind me asking though, how long has he lived around here?"

"Some cousin and brother you are if you don't know where he lives!" She laughed. Remy and Remus shuffled nervously in place. "He's lived here for about…. Ohh going on 3 years now? I think. He always tried to brighten this place up with flowers whenever he could. Recently though he's been  staying inside more. Poor child. I miss his humor. Tell him to come down here if he's up there! Give him a piece of my mind!" She finished as she stomped back to her desk, picking up her book and sitting in place, as if she never moved.

Remy and Remus smartly decided not to comment further. They continued their walk to the stairs. Each step was a bit wobbly but since there was no elevator, they had no choice. Though, judging by the look of things, they wouldn't have trusted the elevator anyway.

The walls had long straggling cracks going in each direction. At one point it looked like the walls might have been painted a baby blue or a similar shade. But years of no upkeep has left it looking grey at best. Cobwebs were strung up as if it was halloween decorations. The air smelled old and musty. The faint sound of dripping water could be heard from seemingly anywhere in the building. Yet it was eerily quiet as the boys approached Roman's apartment.

His door didn't stand out among the rest, which made Remus sad for some reason. He remembered when he would insist in the house that his door be painted a deep red color. Not it was just...bland. 

They both arrived at the door and stopped. They looked at each not quite knowing who should do what. Finally Remus had had enough and spoke up.

"What the fuck are we doing!? This is dumb. This trepidation is dumb! This isn't some horror fantasy bullshit! Let's go!" He shouted reaching for Roman's door handle. Slightly surprising both Remus and Remy, it opened.

Shaking the surprise off Remus busts through the door. 

"ROMAN! GET YO BITCH ASS UP!"

Taglist (ask to tag!):

@primaveradoodles @bluerosesbleedred

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[tiny-tsukino]

Prepare for more internal venting.

So i face-timed my adoptive moms the other day (family history is complicated just roll with it) and i love them. I do. But like.... They know ive been struggling. They know i cant really drive up to see them with the state my car is in and my whole job situation the wholw years has been a constant up and down (basically 2019 has been a gd nightmare and i cant wait for it to end)

And yet...

They still insist i come up to see them. Its a 3 hr drive. My car is in desperate need of new tires and an alignment. Which i havent been able to afford all year due to constant shit. Im going to be short this paycheck because im only doing part time hours and went from being paid weekly (and having that paycheck be massively late, leading me to quit) to getting paid Bi weekly. Meanwhile, they can afford multiple trips out of or around the country, buy tattoos on the regular and... Im just kind of sitting here. Because when i try to explain they insist theyll help... Their help comes in the form of $20. Which, yes i am grateful for it, but that may cover gas. If im lucky.

I just... I feel like they dont understand. The thing is when i lived with them, the 4 years was spent with them hinting at me to move out (wasnt really earning enough to save because id been paying off this car and going to school which required me to spend most of my funds on that on top of groceries and rent. Also, this would be my first time living alone.. I was scared ok?)

I felt like the christmas puppy. Everyones allll excited to get me there but when i do show up, i get put in a room and.. Well i dont feel like coming out because you all seem annoyed by my presence.. They dont seem to like my husband--having said things in front of him like 'we failed as lesbians because youre with a man' and just straight up blowing him off if he says anything to the point where he csnt be around them because it just reaffirms his belief that hes trash and no one wants him around...

I feel like nothing i do is good enough and that i was essentially a practice doll for my cousins. Who theyre eager to spoil at any given time.

I love them.. I do. But this relationship has been the cause of so much stress and anxiety that ive just taken to lying to them to just get space because if i say anything theyre going to make it out like its ALL my fault. 'well you need to do this. Youre not being responsible. We taught you to do better.' well, heres the thing. You cant expect me to switch from adult to a baby like you seem to treat me. For fucks sake when i lived with them-- despite cleaning all my mess-- i was told i had to go in the kitchen to eat anything. Couldnt go to the living room WITH THEM to watch anything, and i couldnt go to my own room. The idea of me using a knife, despite being expected to make dinners on occasion, was not acceptable and oneI of them would always insist on doing it FOR me. I just... Idk. Im considering finding a way to cut them off. Which probably isnt the best solution and not one i really want but... Idk what to do anymore. Maybe its for the better.. Maybe itll make things worse... Idk.

[something--wicked]

vent

so todays my first day on wellbutrin

i was on prozac for 5 years and now weening off and starting wellbutrin bc i was having constant panic attacks related to my hypochondriasis. and i keep seeing a lot of ppl saying that wellbutrin side effects are nausea, dizziness and a lot of worse stuff thats making me more anxious

but i want this medication to work so bad because i just wanna go one night without getting nauseous and dizzy for no reason, which inevitably turns into a panic attack bc im convinced that im dying

vaping cbd oil helps out with the anxiety but im just so tired of feeling like shit and feeling like my eyes cant focus and feeling disoriented im just tired of it

i cant even eat my safe foods anymore cuz they have been making me nauseous and im too scared of throwing up or inducing a panic attack to try to eat and i just dont know whats wrong and it just sucks right now

on top of that im starting college in a month and i still dont have any idea how im gonna pay for it, i have my driver license test next week and if i pass i have no idea how im gonna pay for the insurance, i still need to get a job but with how much anxiety and general shitty feelings im having now i cant imagine trying to go into work every day and functioning all day

and if i let my mind wander for even a second my brain convinces me that whatever normal body function im feeling is a symptom of a deadly disease that will kill me within minutes. like ive never really burped my whole life i just couldnt do it, and like 2 months ago i suddenly gained the ability to burp and lately my brain has been trying to convince me i have stomach cancer. being on wellbutrin now i live in a constant state of fear that im about to have a seizure. if i go too long without eating and start feeling faint then im scared that im about to fall into a coma from low blood sugar even tho im not diabetic?? if i feel slightly hot which is always cuz i live in texas in a house without central air conditioning, i get convinced that i have an extremely high fever and im gonna drop dead from an infection. ive gotten headaches constantly my whole life and now that ive had one bc of switching meds im convinced im gonna have an aneurysm and die. if my arm hurts for just a second too long im convinced im having a heart attack. if i can hear my heart beating then im just sitting there waiting for it to explode or something cuz it has to be going too fast. i just cant function like this when im in a constant state of panic over every single thing and i dont even know why im feeling like this in the first place!! why am i dizzy and nauseous and spacey ?? i take my vitamins and i stay hydrated but i still feel like shit constantly and theres nothing i can do about it cuz nobody knows whats wrong!!

right now i feel hungry and my stomach is growling, and i saw a warning for a rare side effect of wellbutrin that manifests by spaceyness, and extreme hunger. guess what im scared of now. yep. thats my life.

i just wanna go to a doctors office and have them perform every single possible test on me. put me thru an mri, do every blood test imaginable, give me every kind of scan or exam there is, just do everything so i can know whats going on in there and tell me that im fine and there is nothing physically wrong with me and that im not suffering from stomach cancer, diabetes, heart failure, epilepsy, brain cancer, and lung cancer all at once . because my brain legit convinces me that i am and its so exhausting. im tired of it

I just wanna feel normal and not live like this anymore

[sincerelycreek]

nice shot

Summary: Tweek goes to a haunted house and accidentally punches a cute boy in the face. Warnings: shit writing i rushed through this A/N: OK I MEANT TO POST THIS WAY EARLIER BUT I COMPLETELY FORGOT CAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED TO TRICK OR TREAT MIGHT BE A LIL DRUNK DONT CARE UH I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT THOUGH THANKS AND TELL ME ABOUT UR HALLOWEEN ILY ALL

“I change my mind, can I go home?”

“Absolutely not!” Clyde exclaimed from the passenger side. He ignored Token’s protests, who was driving carefully, as Clyde turned around to face Tweek. “Dude, it’s going to be fun.” Without answering, Tweek rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. Leave it to Clyde to think a setup haunted house, of all places on Halloween, would be fun. Granted, it was a better idea than visiting an actual haunted house with real ghosts. That would be the opposite of a fun night.

From beside Tweek, even Jimmy pitched in. “Y-Yeah Tweek, d-dont b-be such a p-pussy,” he stated. His type of insult made Tweek suddenly think that he was being given a personal challenge, and he silently accepted it. It was just a haunted house game, setup by their home town. Chances are it’d be lame or keep him up at night, but either way, Tweek wasn’t going to be getting out of it.

Token finally managed to get Clyde to sit in his seat properly, and in doing so continued the drive for only a few more minutes until they reached the famous haunted house. Tweek was helping Jimmy out of the car after stepping out himself, and using his free hand to nibble nervously at his thumbs nail.

Both Token and Clyde were to far ahead as they approached the opening, goofing off, so it was only Jimmy that noticed Tweek’s sudden anxiety. It wasn’t unusual for Tweek to be so anxious, but he hasn’t been as bad as he was nine years ago. “I-If you’re so s-scared, why d-didn’t you s-stay home?” Jimmy asked, studying his close friend, as he went silent. Soon, the answer quickly hit him and he understood. “I-It’s Tucker, isn’t i-it?”

The sound of the name suddenly made Tweek smile. Once realizing he was doing so, he had wiped it off his face quickly. “No,” he dismissed Jimmy’s thought, and looked away so he didn’t have to see the other’s knowing grin. Every one of Tweek’s friends knew of his quiet crush on Craig Tucker, a raven-haired boy with a serious constant bitch face. He was playing in the haunted house, and Tweek knew that. It’s why he didn’t make Token turn the car around and bring him home.

Fortunately, Jimmy was kind enough to drop the subject. That was mostly due to how they were approaching the entrance. Token, being the generous and kind one, paid for their way in despite it not being expensive at all. They wandered inside, being greeted by all things Halloween in their line of vision. From spider webs, to to pumpkins, even flashing lights. Those were what was tame though, as the small group of teenage boys knew that there was others hiding in there, ready to do their best to spook them.

That was enough to make Tweek hang behind in the line. If anything jumped out at them, it would scare Clyde and Token first, way before the shock from any outburst hit him. All thoughts of his conversation with Jimmy from earlier about Craig Tucker left his head as they wandered through. Clyde tried to puff his chest and act tough, but when a girl dressed as a fortune teller was rubbing a glittering crystal ball and looking at them menacingly. She began humming, her throat making it rough, before speaking.

“You’re gonna die today, you’re gonna die..”

Clyde chose to hide behind Token after that, and Tweek knew Jimmy would have called him the pussy next if they weren’t all being scared. The group was wandering deeper than, seeing more adults and teenagers in well done scary costumes, some jumped out, some just stared at them creepily without a word.

Tweek, still being anxious, flinched every time someone or something did jump out at him. His hands were clenched together tightly and his head twitched back and forth, his gaze meeting only spaces that these people could be hiding. Tweek tried to calm himself, breathing in through his nose, and assuring himself that nothing could be so scary that he’d have a real meltdown over it.

However, Tweek was wrong. All of a sudden, he felt as if someone was staring at the back of his head because he was hanging in the back of the group. Slowly, he came to a halt before turning his head. As soon as doing so, he calmed for a second when seeing nothing but something they’ve already passed.

That is, until, a creeking sound was heard. Tweek froze, and everything from that second seemed to go by in slow motion for him, except it was actually fast. All Tweek could see was someone reach out in the dark, their hands going straight for his shoulders, while making a groaning sound. He didn’t hesitate, a screech escaping his mouth, as his right hand tightened into a fist and he pulled his arm back before swinging it forward.

Tweek’s fist had definitely hit someone, as he felt his knuckles punch into something hard. A second later, the person cried out in pain and stumbled back, repeating the word “Fuck” again and again. Tweek gasped, realizing what he’d done, and his hands flung up to cover his mouth. “I’m so sorry!” He exclaimed, out of breath from the rush of adrenaline.

The one he’d hit so hard stumbled out of the dark. He was clearly dressed as a zombie, and clutching his nose. Tweek couldn’t tell if fake blood was dribbling from his hand or real from his hit. But his heart skipped a beat when seeing it was Craig Tucker, underneath all the fake zombie make-up and ripped up costume clothing, but glaring at Tweek with a hard stare that could kill. Honestly, Tweek wouldn’t mind that so much right now. Death seemed much better than living in this moment.

Suddenly, the area they were in was filled with Clyde’s howling laughter that bounced off the walls and echoed in their ears. Tweek looked over his shoulder and tightened his expression into his own glare when seeing Clyde bent over, clutching his gut and laughing until he was red in the face. Token, for the sake of Tweek’s dignity, was trying to hold it back. “Dude, I can’t believe you were that freakin’ scared!” Clyde shouted, pausing into between laughs.

“I wasn’t scared, I’m not a chicken,” Tweek mumbled under his breath. The tips of his ears burned, and he knew he was going red from embarrassment. He looked back at Craig, who was still glaring angrily. “I’m so, so sorry,” he repeated, this time softer. He wouldn’t be surprised if the wounded one decided to hit Tweek back. Craig still wasn’t saying anything, except just pulling his hand back to cup the blood. “C-Can I help?” He figured there wasn’t much that he could do, and wasn’t even sure if Craig wanted any help.

“You can follow me out and give me a hand,” Craig snapped, his voice more nasally than it usually was. “But if you broke anything, I’m going to kill you.” The statement was a clear threat, and honestly, Tweek still wouldn’t be minding it.

Tweek said a quick good-bye to the three. This wasn’t how he imagined his first altercation with Craig in any way, in fact this was probably the last thing he wanted. He followed Craig through a weird exit built in the haunted house, which he figured was there in the case of a fire or something in which case everyone would need to leave quickly.

“I’m really, really, sorry,” Tweek repeated for the third time, unable to think of anything else to say. They walked to Craig’s car, in the parking lot. “D-Do you want me to drive?”

“Sure.” Craig dug into his pocket, holding his nose with his free hand as he tossed Tweek the keys. “Don’t treat my car like you treated my nose.”

Tweek breathed a sigh of relief when hearing the joke, glad that the other wasn’t so mad anymore. “I’ll be more careful,” he promised.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, other than Craig’s heavy breathing. When they arrived, they were directed to the waiting room, and Craig was given a cloth to hold to his nose while he waited to be looked at. It was a strange sight for others, seeing a boy fully covered in zombie make-up and odd ripped clothings, but no one approached and asked any questions. It was Halloween, anyways. And it certainly wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen in South Park.

“I’m sorry,” Tweek said again, when sitting next to Craig in the waiting room chairs. “I-I really didn’t mean to.”

Craig scoffed, tilting his head back. “If you say you’re sorry one more time, I’ll punch you. Harder,” he threatened. “This is the last way I wanted to start talking to someone I like.”

At his words, Tweek suddenly perked up. He didn’t feel as guilty anymore, and his chest was doing flips. “You like me?” He asked, needing a confirmation. He felt like a stupid school girl with a crush, and he was sure Craig felt the same.

Craig motioned to the wound. “Not so much anymore,” he lightly joked, finally cracking a small smile and gently kicking Tweek’s foot.

It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when they walked into school hand in hand that following Monday.

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog]

A piece of me.

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

My innocence vanished faster than my mind could erase it. The others well, i cant speak for them but i know they are mentally stable, their mind must have subconsciously blocked it out. For me, i still live it everyday, a secret i kept for 16 years.

The first time i had sex was when i was thirteen the first time i was fucked i was raped behind a strip mall against a green garbage bin.

Hmm Fucked. The word fuck can be used to describe almost everything, there isn't just one definition that explains the word.

I was drunk for the first time. He was only 15. Did he know what he did? I didn't think he did. I still to this day don’t think he did anything wrong. But I remember yelling stop. I let it slip my mind but my mind doesn't allow things like that to escape. That’s when the drugs started and the drinking and filling myself with boys who didn't matter to try and feel whole again.

That never stopped i am still empty but left with scars. I was made to see a shrink little did my parents know what was really going on, he was an odd looking man from New York, i told him both now my biggest secrets that ate away at me, taking a piece of my life everyday, he told me to ball it up like paper and throw it out the window and to FORGET what sexual trauma i had been through since i was 3.

His diagnoses; clinical depression, general and social anxiety.

Hello Prozac. Shortly after i attempted suicide. My sister needed attention because telling my parents i was no longer a virgin but a whore with genital warts who does drugs who has rages wasn't enough so she told everyone in school i tried to kill her instead of how i overdosed. I wish i could say this story isn't all sad but i would be lying. There are happy parts but nothing ever lasts. 

Hello Zoloft goodbye Prozac, welcome clonazepam and number two psychiatrist; and the diagnoses of Major depressive disorder. I wouldn't speak of the sexual abuse i had suffered i don’t think i needed to. She could tell i was holding back i told her some traumatic things that had happened in my life and that the Prozac did nothing for me although mixing cocaine, alcohol, and methamphetamine's with SSRI’s was never a good idea. I started getting drug tested so i became an alcoholic still allowing guys to enter my body to try and keep it full. 

New psychiatrists came and left like the boys between my legs did as years went by the worst i became, in every way. Cipralex was next, shitty to meet you and nice to meet you razor blades my legs welcome you and were going to have some fun with you Clonazepam.

Im 17 now, i fell in love with an abusive son of a bitch but god was he a good fuck. I dropped out of school due to my addiction to drugs and addiction to him and then I left everything behind to follow him to the island, where he was going to trade school for the next 9 months. I was staying at my pops, 4 hours away, we seen each other every weekend. Piece of shit. I was young and gullible he was 23, dead beat father but my everything. It’s possible that if he didn't abuse me emotionally the way he did maybe my mental state wouldn't have changed so fast. Maybe i had years, good happy years left before it was my time to present as unstable. Fuck you. I thank my parents for knowing me so well and flying out when they did because i was ready to finish what i tried when i was 13. I was rushed to the hospital and studied by yet another psychiatrist for 14 days to determine if i was bipolar or if i had borderline personality disorder. Diagnoses; An extreme case of borderline personality disorder. (along with previous diagnoses)

Hello wellbutrin. Cool a NDRI. SSRI’s never seemed to work. Having norepinephrine in the mix was a game changer, could it help my rages? my black out cutting rages? Please help me. 

Oh hello more drugs, Xanax i really like you, valium makes me tired i want to get high, lets be friends X. 

Hello to the most memorizing hazel eyes and smile, my second crush of my entire life. No. The absolute love of my life. The still love of my life. I’m 18 now. We moved an ounce of cocaine a day and split an ounce, we spent 4 months side by side selling and doing drugs. We began a relationship it was beautiful for the most part. We fucked and fucked and fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore we finally made love, something both of us hadn’t felt in a long time, and me ever. He says i was his first love i was 19 now. I wont go into detail because all i have to say is that he is the true love of my life and im so so sorry i lost him a couple months ago.

Hello seroquel, im begging you to help me.

Words can hurt and if you use them correctly it could be a two bottles of antidepressants, benzos, and seroquel down my throat. Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye family. Goodbye hazel eyes. I loved you. Time to leave my body. I was stable all night with a breathing tube down my throat, i woke up and then slipped into a coma after suffering 18 seizures within two hours. It was time to say goodbye to me. My family said their goodbyes. its a lie you know. You cannot hear them or feel them around you. Im in trouble im no longer breathing on my own, the doctor was smart enough and being very cautious with me by putting me on a breathing machine before i stopped breathing, because i stopped. I was dying, i was put on life support and sent to a better hospital.

God dammit. 

I woke up. unharmed. alive. well. but angry. 

Effexor, valium and seroquel. I dont know how to greet you. Ill try you. Hazel eyes you’re still with me. I love you.

Hello rehab, i dont like you. 27 days of pure bullshit. Im home again now, when parents dont know what to do with their children they kick them out. I am homeless. Hazel eyes baby, move in with me. My heart is full. He is mine forever, we get engaged. 

Friends? Where did you go i only left to better myself. its okay i understand it. 

Hospital every two weeks, suicidal. constant overdosing. Stabbing. Abuse. Hazel eyes turned black sometimes when he was angry.

It’s September the 10th. Im being brutally raped and sexually assaulted by three 30 year old men who enjoy re-watching. That video disgusts me. Thank you for killing me inside and out my life if forver ruined because of you, you hold my life.

Extreme PTSD you are not wanted please go away please go away.

For my 20th birthday i moved into a homeless shelter. Happy Birthday lost cause. 22 days after my birthday my friend overdoses and dies. Hazel eyes has nothing in them, he hurts me. I hurt him back. We keep fighting its gotten physical, mental and emotional. We will never be the same and neither will my wrists. He leaves in march and i never see him again. My heart is broke. Im sorry.

It is now July. its been 10 months since i was raped, the case is still on going, i am 21 years old, alive, thriving, learning to live again. 

**I haven't been in a hospital for 6 months, no self harm for 7 months. Diagnoses; Borderline personality disorder, Major depressive disorder, severe PTSD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder, major insomnia, anorexia nervosa, possible bipolar type 2.** 

These are just some bad pieces of me i am sharing with you. There are more worse ones and there are better ones but these are for you. 

So yeah this is another story on someones life you don’t even know but now you do, i am Sahara nice to meet you. 

[stopmaxytime]

Venting...

That moment when you constantly feel like crud but you have to adult. Can life just cut me some slack? I know I dont have it as bad as others but living with the constant fear of random panic attacks and never knowing if the next day will be alright or if itll be filled with nausea and weakness...dont tell me to "be more positive" I have tried and its gotten me no where. I have tried changing my foods. I've tried exercise. I've tried breathing and so much more. Currently on medication that hasnt done a thing for me these past three weeks but i was told to wait a month so im waiting a month while feeling like all hell. I have to go to work as a housekeeper in the heat of this horrid state and I have orders to fill and I have college work to do and I have to work on keeping myself stable because life wont wait for me and I cant afford to loose my job. I hate how im always afraid of the next day. Afraid something is going to happen and im not going to be able to handle it...Ive pushed through so much up till now and ive passed out twice and its almost was more but i was able to lay down before that happened. I passed out at the post office for crying out loud...the POST OFFICE. One of the most nonfrightening places on earth gave me so much anxiety that i panicked and passed out and now i cant go in there without feeling like its going to happen again. Ive tried and the feeling comes back like a truck hitting you...I just want to go back to living my life without a care in the world...why did I get cursed with this stupid disorder?...my parents are doing their best to support me because they know im scared. They both know I have to worse myself to do things even while im feeling like hell. I cant eat what I want anymore. I cant go out and have fun anymore without the fear of it or something happening...when it happens it feels like im surrounded by a dark cloud that is cold but burning up at the same time. Its sufficating and I feel like I need to run away but I cant and it lasts a long time but when it stops I am stuck in bed feeling like im going to throw up or im just too weak to even talk. I'm constantly tired and i feel like this is going to kill me one day and I dont want that. I was told if I didnt keep trying to do things my body will shut down. Great thing to tell someone who panics right? Im not giving up but im just so tired of this...tired of nothing working...nothing helping me...I just want to be able to live like I used to...before all the panic and anxiety....but we cant go back in time huh? Even if I could I wouldnt be able to warn myself of what caused this mess...

[sarahita]

Tomorrow

Is the first day of my life as a grad student. Im excited & scared at the same time. Im stoked to be back in school because I feel like that's the only thing that gives my life some sort of meaning. Im scared because I dont wanna fuck it up. What if its not what I hoped it would be? What if I fall into a deeper depression than what Im in now? The possibility of being let down by my expectations terrifies me. I'm really hoping that it'll help heal me, that it'll keep my mind occupied from all of the things that have caused me grief over the past year. Because even though I, for the most part, gotten over what happened with C it still comes back & haunts me once in a while. It still hurts sometimes, to think that I was so stupid & ignorant enough to let all of that happen. And then I get hit with regret. I regret opening up to so many people & pouring all of my emotions into them. I regret disclosing so much & letting people in that didn’t deserve to know that side of me. I regret caring so much for some people &; always being the one to check up on them when in the end all I did was drain myself of energy & leave painful memories to live with. I regret getting so close to A & then letting it consume me when things went south in our friendship. I hate the feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach when I see her post things or talk to the other girls about plans, knowing that before the incident she considered me one of her closest friends. I regret telling D about the entire situation with C. I regret disclosing to D about my mental health struggles. He doesn’t deserve to know that side of me because he uses it to his advantage at times &; because of his volatile personality. I regret everything that happened with E, from the late night conversations to the time we spent together. He's become distant & that pains me more than anything because more than anything I considered him a good friend, even before the feelings were there. I regret not realizing it sooner, but he was a good person. And I constantly remember the times we spent together: the concert, the last night beach trips, the car therapy sessions where we both disclosed things to each other. Just thinking about those things hurt but I'm torn between thinking that they hurt because there was something there or if it's my inability to let go of painful things that doesn't let me forget everything. And then there's the whole thing with A. She's a good friend & I'm sure she means well for the most part but seeing her sometimes or hearing her say certain things kills me sometimes. Knowing that she opened Pandora's box for me hurts & she continues to do it to this day. And then there's the fact that I can't but see her as my competition in every aspect. I hate having to constantly remind myself that I'm a good person in my own way & that I shouldn't have those feelings. Then there's my mental health. The bad thoughts come back once in a while & at times they're my default solution, the "well at least I can do it if things don't work out" & for some reason it's the only thing that brings me comfort. The constant anxiety over my body image & confidence doesn't let me be, it's in my head 24/7 and it drains me. I hate the lack of energy that depression brings because I don't wanna do anything & then the anxiety catches up when I eat something. The constant worry of "if I eat I'm gonna gain weight because I'm too lazy to exercise." I hate hating my body & feeling like shit whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a picture. I hate that feeling & want that to go away. That's the thing that has kept me in this state for so long, the thing that prevents me from taking any medication that will for sure help. "What can I take that won't make me gain weight but that will help with the "t.o.s" and d? It's overwhelming & draining. Overall I feel like this past year was all lost & wasted time. I spent it with a lot of people that I don't even talk to anymore. I did nothing to work on my body image & remain disappointed in my image. I didn't achieve any of my financial goals. All I managed to do was fall into a deeper depression. I desperately hope that school brings me what I want & need: to stop being so dependent on people, to allow me to think of things other than the ones that bring me pain, to give me some sort of self-confidence that has nothing to do with my academic or professional ability, to bring some sort of happiness, something that will make it all worth while. Because if it doesn't, I sincerely don't know what I'll do...

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems. 

[paulmccartneyofficial]

for the ask thing: 1-150 🙂

ok charlie let’s fuckin go

here they ALL are

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

something tells me its steve rogers boy………

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing lmao

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

christine this summer :-)

4. Are you easy to get along with?

for the most part, but sometimes I Get In A Mood™

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhhhh i dont really like anyone right now?? um. the last person i liked, possibly, since that’s what i did for him. but uh. the only person i fancy rn is like paul or rumours lindsey and like paul would definitely take care of me but if im drunk and with rumours lindsey then that means lindsey is also drunk and there’s no hope left for either of us

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

k personality wise, christine says im attracted to “bad boys” which like is probably true??? idk. often artsy and aesthetically pleasing peeps ?? i dont knwo

LOOKS wise, my sister in law has pointed out that every guy i have liked has a square-ish face and has dark features and often times blue eyes, but not always. see: lindsey and sebastian stan. so i guess i have a type ????? lol

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not lmao i dont have time 4 that

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uh…………..sorry but its lindsey buckingham :/

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

not really no lol just uh. nonconsensual sex makes me uncomfortable lmao

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@stevieselectricskillet

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“me: pretends i’m not paul mccartney trash anymore”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

oohh. uh. stockholm syndrome by one direction, stephanie by buckingham nicks, go insane (live in 1997) by lindsey buckingham, hold me by fleetwood mac, bright by zayn

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i fucking love it

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes yes yes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i literally went the entire summer without smoking weed once after smoking like every day of senior year lmao

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

of course?? im not an idiot

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

we actually reconnected over the summer after like 14 years of no communication but we’re both very different now so we don’t really talk anymore

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i live for them

20. Do you like your neighbors?

yes! i love them all. they make coming home from school wonderful

and as for at school, i only hang out with my neighbors p much

21. What are you bad habits?

i pull out my hair unfortunately. sometimes i’ll pick at my nails if they’ve chip on their own.

22. Where would you like to travel?

england, italy, montreal, los angeles, ireland, lebanon, scotland, ancient greece, turks and caicos, the bahamas, hawaii (solely for the set of lost and jurassic park), and wherever hobbiton is

23. Do you have trust issues?

half of my anxiety is a result from trust issues so ya lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

my hour long shower that i take because i’m living at school and i am allowed to use as much hot water as i want

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

double chin! :)

26. What do you do when you wake up?

check my phone/send snap streaks out/put on whatever song is stuck in my head when i wake up

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i really don’t care about my skin color why is this a question

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

a few people. mary, lexi, and amanda, mostly.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

unfortunately……..

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

its currently in one

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhhh…….. i’m not the threesome type .… . if i had to choose two celebs for that particular situation tho, then harry s. and zayn, hands down.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

ww2gffg (egg) / kaeskiu (kaeli)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play baseball, but i don’t anymore. however, i, too, boogieboard, like lindsey buckingham does. disclaimer: i have been doing this sport since i was a small kid, thus, i have been doing it longer than i have known about lindsey buckingham. i truly wish we did not have this in common

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv hands down im not dumb

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

of course?? isn’t that part of life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i don’t say anything. i just embody an ellipses by crafting a particular look on my face with raised eyebrows and unamused eyes. if nothing comes of it, then i usually let out a sigh and look off to the side like a dramatic bitch. i am a kim k gif

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

the main male character of my book is sort of my dream guy so there’s that.

he’s got a knack for aestheticism through artistic values, ambition and true passion in the work he does. he’s very sarcastic and funny, yet somehow still sweet with it. wouldn’t hurt a fly. hates trump’s guts and understands that feminism isn’t about him. has his privilege in check. he and i understand each other in a bond that no one else has with us. it is good. it is sweet. i am in a constant state of awe and shock of how in love with him i am. im even continuously falling for him more and more every day.

it is good and we are happy and we know each other better than anyone else.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

lush

40. What do you want to do after high school?

i am out of high school and chillin in college my friends. im gonna do some art

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

always. if they can recognize their flaws and truly try to work at them, then yes. they deserve a second chance.

there is always more light for us to see.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im either extremely depressed or just salty

43. Do you smile at strangers?

yes, all the time. i believe that a simple smile from anyone can sometimes be enough to change someone’s day.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

either the state of my hair, my bladder, or my stomach.

46. What are you paranoid about?

being secretly hated.

47. Have you ever been high?

yes, too many times

48. Have you ever been drunk?

ya about 9 hours ago to be exact

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

honestly i fuck up so often that ya, i probably have

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

black??? i think? wow. i am now realizing that i’ve actually #MovedOn from the hoodie life. tragic

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

i am in a constant state of wishing i were stevie nicks

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i really wish i had bigger hands so i could play a normal sized guitar

53. Favourite makeup brand?

um im cheap i thought sephora was a brand for like 2 years so that one time i think cover girl had a star wars line?? that was cool i own a few of those lipsticks

54. Favourite store?

its still lush

55. Favourite blog?

@lindseybuckingham

56. Favourite colour?

yellow

57. Favourite food?

ravioli

58. Last thing you ate?

a granola bar i think

59. First thing you ate this morning?

i pulled an all nighter its now 6:30 in the morning and i have yet to eat

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i’ve gotten gold at a few jazz band and chorus competitions and then one time my DI team won our districts competition but only by default

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

hahahaha i was suspended senior year for leaving school early with two of my gal pals to get breakfast at our favorite breakfast joint. we were supposed to have at-home suspension, but our drama club show was that weekend, which meant we’d be kicked out of the show last minute. i look about 12 years old and i have doe eyes with long eye lashes. i cried my way out of that shit and saved both of my two gal pals in doing so, too.

we ended up all having in-school suspension with each other. so essentially, they locked me and my two friends in a room for an entire school day. we could do whatever we wanted.

we actually ended up acting out the entirety of the play, antigone, for our teacher that stayed with us. and then we wrote a song about a turkey named dave.

it was actually one of the best days of my high school career.

62. Been arrested? For what?

no but i cried one time when a police officer pulled me over for having a tail light out.

63. Ever been in love?

unfortunately, yes.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

i was a freshman. his name was alex and he was older than me and he really liked me and he was pretty cool and easy to talk to and stuff but also. he was greasy and did nothing with his life at the time. haha. and then one day, he and his friend, who also liked me, both separately asked me what class i had last. it was history. alex showed up at the door first, and he took my hand. the other boy showed up and was like “oh”. then i kinda just shrugged to his friend and we left him there. i felt like i was on the bachelorette.

then he walked me to my bus and just kissed me. and like we never officially said it but i guess we were dating from that point on?

it was quite exciting at the time.

65. Are you hungry right now?

no i took a medication that sort of ceases hunger.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

woah. uh. well some of my real friends are also on tumblr which is cool.

its kind of a weird question. i love them all equally? just in different ways. my real life friends are all people that i hang around constantly. i have deep conversations with them. i do crazy things with them. i love them.

my tumblr friends, however, are all a gift. there’s more of a set bond with them; we’re all friends not because we see each other all the time, but because we all have common interests and similar personalities.

tumblr friends are actually pretty cool. if you can maintain a friendship like that through long distance, then it’s gotta mean something pretty big, right?

i text and communicate with my tumblr friends a lot more than my real life friends, actually. if i’m on my phone when hanging out with my friends, i can guarantee you i’m texting my tumblr friends.

it’s pretty sweet.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter because no one in my family has one except my brother who i tell everything to

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr, obviously.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no, i’m making this long ass post.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

irl: mary, lexi, amanda, my sister christine, my brother steven, my sister-to-be jenna, chris, cammi, jack.

tumblr: kate, emilie, ryan, charlie, lola, brooke, james, sophie, ken, erin, pickles, luki, kimber.

71. Craving something? What?

wine

72. What colour are your towels?

grey. all of them. at home, they’re tan.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

three normal pillows, one pillow pet, and one angry emoji pillow that i made and now hug because i’m a lonely fuck

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i have one chewie plush thing and an old bruins bear that i often kick off my bed back at home.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

those are the only 2 i think

although i currently have the marsh hall monkey from community council that was given to me for one week and i’ve had it for like 3 months because i haven’t bothered to pass it on to someone

75. Favourite animal?

i am a kitty lover

76. What colour is your underwear?

yellow :~)

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

java crunch (its coffee ice cream with chocolate covered coffee beans)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

its a black jonas brothers shirt that i got when i was 10. i am often found wearing this shirt

80. What colour pants?

grey sweatpants

81. Favourite tv show?

friends

82. Favourite movie?

i will always be star wars trash

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls ??? if u favor mean girls 2, then ur a sinner

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls, obviously. im not a heathen

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

regina’s mom

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush

87. First person you talked to today?

amanda, probably

88. Last person you talked to today?

u, charlie

89. Name a person you hate?

eric clapton or liam. i can’t decide

90. Name a person you love?

my birth mother because she is one of the strongest people i know. honest to god, there is not a single person on this planet that i am more proud of than her.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

myself

92. In a fight with someone?

the boy i Once Loved™

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

way too many, my friend

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

also way too many. like, at least 5

95. Last movie you watched?

…….new moon…….

96. Favourite actress?

carrie fisher

97. Favourite actor?

robert downey jr.

98. Do you tan a lot?

like go to a tanning salon? no. i’m broke. and i wouldn’t waste my money on that anyway.

in a general sense? yes. i tan very easily. my genes are very kind to me in that i don’t burn when i go out in the sun. except for my nose. :/

99. Have any pets?

i have a little calico kitty named beanie and she is my light.

100. How are you feeling?

well, given that i haven’t slept in 19 hours, i’d say pretty good.

101. Do you type fast?

apparently i type extremely fast and it blows a lot of people away

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh, honey. don’t we all?

103. Can you spell well?

yes, but i always have those moments where i second guess myself or have a brain fart on a very common word.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

i miss my old best friend, freddy, more than ever now. i haven’t seen him since graduation last year, which isn’t that long, but it’s long enough. he and i were like brother and sister in elementary school and even now. he’s the kind of friend that i have gone years without talking to, but then the moment we finally speak to one another, it’s like nothing ever happened.

he and i were both accepting of each other and supportive of each other in some of the hardest times of our lives. when the other kids bullied him for playing with polly pockets on the playground, i joined him in playing with them. we were inseparable from then on. when my mother came out to me and my parents divorced, he was the one i talked to. when he was coming to terms with his sexuality and discovering who he was as a person, i was always the person he was fully open with.

and after drifting away and not talking to each other for a few years, i went to him after being assaulted. i told him everything. and he believed me–he was the one who listened when i felt like no one else was. he offered me that shoulder. he understood and was there with me, through thick and thin.

and at the end of our senior year, through many tears, we said our goodbyes.

i’ve never felt more empty without someone ever.

(p.s. this made me just text him) 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yes ofc haha

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

……ya don’t drag me tho. u woulda too

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

a long time ago, yes

108. What should you be doing?

i legit should be asleep and i’m not……

109. Is something irritating you right now?

there’s a sore pain in my left shoulder–probably from knots in the muscle. i can’t do much about it.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

ohhhh, boy. yes.

111. Do you have trust issues?

wasn’t this at the beginning

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

amanda that one time we watched that video of stevie and lindsey crying while performing “say goodbye”

113. What was your childhood nickname?

KP, KP Duty, Kales

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah thank god

115. Do you play the Wii?

i don’t own one, but when the opportunity presents itself for mariokart or just dance, i’m there

116. Are you listening to music right now?

ya, hey girl by lady gaga ft. florence is on rn

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

i don’t eat chicken

118. Do you like Chinese food?

chinese food makes me feel bloated and gassy and it smells that way too even though it smells good so i’ll probably have to decline and say no, i do not really care for it

119. Favourite book?

harry potter and y&b

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

it depends on how dark it is and if im alone or not

121. Are you mean?

everyone’s a little mean

122. Is cheating ever okay?

cheating is wrong, always. but if an instance happens where someone kisses another individual spontaneously, they have two ways they can clear themselves up from it: don’t do it again and tell your partner that it happened. do not get upset if they’re not happy with you/leave you, because you’ve done them wrong. or, if you’ve done it with an individual that you have fallen or are already in love with, then you should leave your partner immediately.

sleeping with someone is not okay. if you have sex with someone else, then you should tell your partner and don’t get mad when they leave you. if you love the other person, then leave your partner for them.

and always tell the truth.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

someone asked me this today, actually. bizarre. i’d like to think so. i don’t go through huge measures to keep them clean–i just don’t drag them in the dirt.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yes. of course.

125. Do you believe in true love?

yes. you can fall in love with people. you can always be happily in love multiple times in your life. a true love, however, is the one that meant the most.

paul mccartney? he’s married, but his true love was linda. lindsey buckingham? he’s also married, but his true love is stevie and even he does not deny that. stevie nicks? she’ll deny it all she wants, but we all know, including herself and lindsey, that lindsey is also her true love. troy and gabriella? we all know the answer.

true love is real.

126. Are you currently bored?

clearly since i’ve spent like. three hours working on this jesus fuck

127. What makes you happy?

music, people, family, and life.

128. Would you change your name?

i love my name. it was my mother’s gift to me when she brought me into this little world. i am blessed to have a mother that i love so much and that loves me so much. when i think it, i think of her and her silly story of how she came up with it. i identify with it strongly for this reason–it is a constant connection to my mother.

the only thing i’m actually planning is to add the middle name “jane”, as my mother has always calls me by “kaeli jane”. she wishes she thought of that before she named me, as she loves it so much more now.

129. What your zodiac sign?

capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

this is so vague. the restaurant? the transportation?

i’m don’t particularly care for either one. mixed feelings.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TE_Ys4iwM

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

this is another repeat

@stevieselectricskillet

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

And he was just like a great dark wingWithin the wings of a stormI think I had met my match

He was singing and undoing the laces

134. Can you count to one million?

what kind of question is this

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

any post with mclennon that i make is a dumb ass lie

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5 feet tall :/

138. Curly or Straight hair?

my hair is normally straight but sometimes some of the front strands just naturally have banana curls and i don’t understand how it happens but also im not complaining

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette my friend

140. Summer or Winter?

i always used to say winter and then winter always comes and i always want to die so summer

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

december because im narcissistic and love my birthday month the best

september is also a good month. lots of good songs about it and also a very lucky month for me in the past

143. Are you a vegetarian?

i only eat turkey when i have to eat meats (i.e. being home with my parents for a week, when the vegetarian options at my school are heavily cream based, as i am lactose intolerant, etc.) but i typically choose not to eat meat

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee in the morning and tea at night

146. Was today a good day?

sure, i suppose

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“I take back like half of the exclamation points.....they make me look....eager to please. Which I AM....but I don’t want anyone to KNOW that” - Carrie Fisher

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes omg

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“The months March, April, May, June, and July should not be abbreviated when used to indicate a specific date.”