#i dont want to be seen . every time i catch a reflection of myself it hurts

[tamagotchikgs]

i hate when i can feel things affecting me but i dont know what to do about it. i dont know what to use 2 counter it

[weirdmageddon]

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

[ikilledamanforthisurl]

Minami anon x4 but you bring up a lot of really interesting points abt like subcultures / attitudes and also more personal life stuff I never thought about b4! In my head the kinda headcanon justification I made for myself was like the idea Minami used to be formerly realllyyyyy low on the yakuza ladder and as thus kinda just acted like a robot / as dully competent as possible (he wouldn’t drink because What If that affects his ability to Do Anything etc) and so on and Internally Really Wanting To Live A Much different life / be more important then just Another Guy In this Organisation. Which is why he clings so hardcore onto emulating Majima who IS someone eye catching and attention grabbing and to him Important. I think my main basis for this is all of the times Minami in like fight scenes acts really dramatically and even when he loses tries to insist on Keeping On Fighting UNTIL Majima walks in and Minami completely shuts down and just lets him Do As He Does. Sorry if this is a rly big deviation I didnt have a lot to respond to your previous answer outside of I think it’s all really interesting especially the stuff in tags regarding his tattoos (who is she fr!) and if this were a situation where we were having a more private one on one conversation i'd nod very enthusiastically

HAHAHA i know this feeling. thank u for indulging me either way anon and idm the deviation it's like waving a new set of keys in front of my adhd ass. passionate conversations with me derail all over the place i'm very used to it ^_^

and i really like your point about him not wanting to blend in, wanting to Stick Out as a Somebody. it would not phase that kind of Minami if drinking + whatever else was the norm amongst his peers. perhaps it was influence from Majima that convinced him to drink after all........ its certainly what i like to think....... makes their stupid toxic dynamic hurt a little more

and i am so glad u also noticed the way he refuses defeat every chance he gets it literally plagues my thoughts the most.... i think about it sooooo much so so soo much. it's definitely an ego thing + just another nod to Minami's utter reverence of Majima. he goes from being pretty emotional and throwing a tantrum when you Throw Off His Groove™ but forgoes doing what he wants the second the bossman gives the order. Boss' word takes all priority, regardless if you're stupid, or emotional, or whatever else.

I love picking this apart trying to discern their dynamic but it also reflects on how Majima is with his men in general..... I've yet to see any of his boys defy him. And for good fucking reason (insert montage of him smacking around his own men)........ Minami also kindof reflects this in how he strings along a bunch of his fellow Family men to watch him fuck around on the karaoke machine, who CLEARLY don't want to be there but tolerate him regardless! I'd like to think he doesn't randomly assault them though. Not over small shit anyways, he seems pretty lenient and understanding (see: "shit happens"). He's probably just very obnoxious when ribbed, as he is in many other aspects. Or hell, maybe he shuts down and gets so bummed out that its obnoxious in a really cringefail pitiful way

Ideally Majima's garnered respect not strictly through violence.... We have all seen how personable he can be and how he got himself roped into helping random folks all over in y0. Ideally Minami even less so, if he is as lenient as he seems. Which leads me to asking what's up with his title, "junior leader"? What the fuck even is that? Surely it doesn't bring all that tolerating respect with it yknow. I dont think anyone else in the series is a JL. We're not particularly clued in to how Yakuza life actually works in the game about Yakuza, but you can bet I can pull ideas out of thin air to tie stuff together if given scraps

Least likely in my opinion: JL is literally a next-of-kin for a leader position in the Family, possibly for patriarch itself, which implies a much closer relationship between Minami & Majima than we're ever clued into. i'm also not so sure it suits him (though i can pull arguments for it out of thin air as well if you want) since he really seems like the kinda guy happy doing his regular grunt work. brother is not patriarch material imo...... not for what i personally believe a patriarch's duties are, anyways.

Funnier option: he got the role to be appeased. you mentioned that you think he wants to Be Somebody and i completely headcanon-same..... this scrappy little shitkicker kid waltzed in one day, hounded someone until they let him join, and has been gunning for respect ever since. not necessarily power, i'd like to think he wants to be well-liked, but also, it's totally an approval-from-the-father thing. he wants to do good enough for Majima to Notice. since Minami wouldn't know subtlety if it socked him in the face, it's not difficult in the slightest to see this and he gets thrown a Special Role because he's just the most Specialest Boy Ever.... in this case Junior Leader probably just reflects stuff he was already good at while working. Couldve been a socialite amongst the new kids on the block, could even be a trainer. Higashiyama and Nojiri (Dead Souls Majimagumi) seem to imply that recruiters and their recruitees generally work one-on-one and get to know one another pretty well, but that could easily just be a Them thing. I'm sure there's plenty of newbies who get recruited by already-busy blokes.... fuck it, have Minami show them the ropes, get em ready ASAP and keep it going......... yknow that type of thing

[velvetporcelain]

eight twenty five p.m.

what a beautiful day. for once, i did not feel sadness. i felt like i could finally think. real clarity. dare i say i am at peace. i dont like the impermenace of life, im still trying to accept that. im finally accepting of my dentist. he is gentle handed and i trust him, which is a big deal for me. it lifts so many fears that held me back from taking care of myself.

im still having trouble brushing my teeth every day. some nights im just too fucking tired to get out of bed, some nights i am able to convince myself. i still feel like im playing catch up with my own health after raising these kids to some level of nuetrality.

i haven't been to a doctor since i became an adult. being an adult is so bullshit. ive been reading a lot more books. its hard for me to read them a long time, but when my brain is calm i give it the chance.

im still thinking about him. i wonder if he is thinking of me.

i wonder how my behavior will change. this will be a good time for self reflection. the universe is always conspiring in my favor so i trust the process and respect my journey.

i am in the middle of training my subjective mind. i always say my kids take my energy, but really they motivate me, they give me energy. the subjective mind is a beautiful way to reprogram. its one that knows not what it is, and will do what you think. i hate thinking of things to say, because you know i have a lot to say and sometimes when im here i go --- mute.

tomorrow is my brithday and i want to celebrate my mother as well. i think those things go unoticed or forgotten on a childs birthday. the mother herself. the pain and the pushing.

i cant believe that i survived three births and a c-section myself. living in a country with the highest maternal mortality rate. ironic. i remain grateful.

i think most of my sadness is made up because i mistake boradem with peace. how could you not in the twenty first century? i miss my pre-internet brain. i wonder what life would have been like without the internet going to viral. i mean thats what it is isnt it? a virus. we have created an imagnary world within a real world. a secondary world. invisible yet so seen. i consider myself an earth child from the last earth child generation. millenial generation. we knew what it was like before internet and we saw what it did to the world. we still know how to connect to the earth. and for that i am an earth angel. an earth angel stuck in hell. where everyone is mentally sick.

x

[reidsnose]

happy campers

overview: the bau goes on a team building camping trip but reader and spencer spend most of their time together

genre: fluff

a/n: ive been kicking myself for not posting in forever but i think this one is pretty cute! please lmk what yall think :)

masterlist

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the stuffy, eight person suv finally rolled to a stop, the overgrown children that call themselves the bau tumbling out as quickly and gracelessly as possible. Morgan and Reid nearing the end of a 2 and a half minute long slap fight that you happened to be caught directly in the middle of. you looked at jj, pleading to make them stop with her mom powers.

"boys behave or ill ground you both," she sighed, going to help out with taking things out of the trunk.

they immediately stopped, muttering under their breath that the other one started it. but before they could start again, Spencer caught a glance at you. you were taking a deep breath, smiling contently, very clearly happy to get some fresh, forest air. despite being in direct sunlight, your smile was far brighter than anything he'd seen in his whole life.

before he knew it he was being snapped out of his daze and asked to help set up the tents. he was really hoping to have a chance to share a tent with you, like you sometimes had done on cases when hotel rooms were scarce. but he knew that almost everyone wanted a spot in your tent because you're that much fun to be around. Penelope would win, obviously, and he would be paired up with morgan again.

he let out a sigh as he finished up pitching one of the tents, pulling the corner and nailing it into the ground. as he did so, something caught his eye: a pink, round, fat little worm crawled out of the dirt.

his attention was now fully on the worm, ecstatic to see it because he had been reading up on worms for a while. he called morgan and hotch over since they were the closest to him, rambling excitedly all hes learned about them so far. he looked up and could see the disinterest behind their polite smiles. his own smile faltered for a second, until he saw you finishing up pitching a tent.

"im gonna go show y/n. shes gonna love this!" spencer giggled, already walking towards you.

"hey kid i dont know if she-" morgan began.

"reid she might not-" hotch started as well.

but he had already reached you, sticking out his hand and revealing the worm. hotch and morgan looked at each other worriedly, concerned that the tiniest rejection from you, even about something as small as a worm, would tear his heart to pieces.

their faces changed from worry to confusion as they watched a wide grin crack on your face.

"oh! a worm!" you exclaimed gleefully.

they observed as you put your hand out and Spencer dropped the worm in your hand. you watched it wriggle around and would occasionally look up and nod along with his rambling, asking questions and listening intently. hotch and morgan were speechless, knowing full well if they offered a girl they liked a worm, she would not have the same reaction.

you and Spencer started walking back over to the tent, where hotch and morgan tried their best to seem busy. you two were laughing, something about putting the worm back where he found it so it gets home safely. if there was ever any doubt that you and Spencer would be the perfect couple, its completely disintegrated now.

you and Spencer were typically joined at the hip, but after the worm encounter, you two were especially inseparable.

the girls went down by the lake to tan while you and Spencer tried to build a hut out of random sticks and logs you found around the forest. and while the guys were fishing on that same lake, Spencer and you were rock skipping, and he was explaining to you the physics behind it. and you were both scaring away any potential fish for rossi, hotch, and morgan to catch. so you two were banished back into the forest for the time being. when the rest of the team came back, you and him were up in a tree, eating some of the snacks they'd packed, talking and laughing and subconsciously leaning into one another. you didn't need to be a profiler to see the signs. you two were head over heels already, even if you guys didn't know it yet.

after a bonfire full of roasted marshmallows and scary stories, laughs and giggles. it was a wonderful, but tiring night and before you knew it you were getting ready for bed, sharing highlights of the day back and fourth with Penelope.

"i'm picking up on a bit of a pattern," she giggled, wiggling her eyebrows.

you wracked your brain, "what pattern?"

"all of your highlights included a certain adorkable genius."

"what? no we just...he's my best friend so we-cause its fun and i just-" you stammered, feeling your face heat up with every passing second.

"relax my love, i was just teasing," she chuckled, turning over to go to sleep.

"yeah i know. goodnight pen."

"goodnight lovely," she sighed, "but give some thought to lover boy."

you chuckled lightly before whispering to yourself, "trust me i have."

you woke up and checked the time, it was 4:47am but you just could not fall asleep. you crawled out of the tent, grabbing your blanket when you felt the cool morning air rush at you. you didn't want to wake anyone, so you made your way over to the little hill that the suv was parked on, stealing the keys from hotch's bag and crossing to the other side that faced east. the sun would be rising soon, it would be nice to watch; you draped your blanket across your shoulders. you heard footsteps coming from behind you, your blood running cold, immediately assuming the worst.

you turned around and were met with Spencer's sleepy smile. his hair stuck up in all directions and he looked perfectly adorable. you had to resist your urge to give in and kiss him right then and there.

"you scared me!" you whispered, trying to stifle a smile.

"im sorry," he giggled, "why are you up?"

"im not sure i just couldnt fall back asleep. why are you up?" you echoed.

"morgan keeps farting."

you and him let out hearty laughs, quickly covering your mouths as to not wake up the rest of the team.

you faced the car for a second, legs growing tired from standing.

"look how pretty the fogged up windows look," you observed, facing back and fourth between the colorful sky and the muggy version reflecting on the suv. you pressed your hand against the window, leaving a print, "so cold!" you chuckled.

spencer put his hand next your handprint, quickly recoiling, "you werent lying," he laughed, shivering a little.

you looked at the two handprints, his comically larger than yours and you couldnt help but smile to yourself.

"do you want some blanket?" you asked, opening your arms.

"i think im too tall," he frowned, "maybe if i crouch?"

"how about," you dangled the keys infront of your face before opening the trunk of the suv, "front row seats to the sunrise and some blanket."

"that sounds perfect," he smiled, begging his body not to redden his cheeks.

you two crawled into the trunk, draping the blanket across both of your shoulders, being pulled together by the small piece of fabric. you two were completely cuddled together, getting maximum warmth from the blanket and each other's body heat. a comfortable silence floated between you, faint bird songs and the others breathing filling it with peace. you felt your eyelids droop, despite the breathtaking rebirth of the sun happing in front of you. spencer was just so comfortable.

he felt the same way, his head falling to rest on top of yours as sleep pulled at his eyes. he yawned lightly, pulling you closer and breathing you in. you smiled. perfectly content.

about an hour later, hotch woke up, searching frantically for his keys. he ran up to check if the suv was still there, only to be met with your sleeping figures in the open trunk, wrapped up tightly in a blanket, smiles on both of your faces despite being asleep. hotch was good at predicting things, he saw scenarios play out fully before they truly began.

he snapped a picture, knowing it would be put to good use in a few years, he smelled a wedding.

spencer and you spent the drive home smiling like a couple of idiots, grins growing wider each time the sun hit the window just right, revealing your handprints.

-

ultra mega super cool taglist:

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife @hey-there-angels @star-stuff-in-the-cosmos @sonnydoesrandomshit @averyhotchner @laurakirsten0502 @reidyoulikeabook @rem-ariiana @spencerreid9 @vampire-overlord @takeyourleap-of-faith @spenxerslut @violetspoetic @aperrywilliams @b-a-utiful @eevee0722 @srhxpci @reidemandweep @imdefinitelyfloating @random-human-person @gurkiloni @luvspence @calm-and-doctor @ssavanessa22 @singularityjc

[eivorsjawline]

The Last Day

tw: mention of bloodshed, mental health struggles and alcohol.

*Not the last chapter dont worry, next will be last.

Chapter 9:

Eivor’s POV

I tend to reminisce on the past, my parents, Sigurd, the clan and the times when my family was whole. With the cold whip of the wind and the iridescent reflections in the sky, Norway will forever be my home. Even distant England holds a place within my heart as well as the family I built there. The answer to my hunger lies within myself and whether or not to go back to what I know or stay by the woman beside me. A choice between my honor and the person who I’ve grown to love the most. Though time keeps changing constantly, the recent past loops repeatedly in my head. These days I find myself staring at the walls, the ceiling and the emptiness around me. The dark realization that I have no purpose here, or do I? Life was peaceful but I missed the blade of my ax, I missed the bloodshed. I spent my whole life achieving greatness in what I knew, It was what I was bred for. There was an unspoken oath I took the day I was removed from my mother's womb.

A feeling of guilt always succeeded me, every passing day. What exactly I left behind and what the consequences would be. I have to remind myself that I would have died if It wasn’t for Y/n saving me. I understand now that the technologies that I have here were needed for my survival. Just herbs, alcohol and bandages wouldn’t have been enough to stop the life-threatening wounds I had. I was beaten, bruised and cut so badly I was nearly in a comatose state of mind. Even now, I still get flashbacks to that day and the fight. As a drengr, I’ve grown more and more cold to the idea of war and violence but there will always be something about that specific day. I can't seem to shake the feeling that it hasn’t ended and only more is to come.

Whilst I’ve been adjusting to modern life, I’ve turned to the bottle more times than I should. There have been days where I’ve fallen asleep on the couch, no recollection of even trying to get up yet I always wake up in bed with a blanket over my body. I can’t bear the thought of Y/n supporting me so I found honest work as a carpenter. With a few tweaks, I adjusted fine along with the help of co-workers and friends I made along the way. I feel I’ve become a shell of a being, the impact of everyday life burdens me. It’s not fun anymore, it's real and every day. The walk back home was loud and the people I found strange weren’t so odd anymore. I knew the truth within me, that I had become one of them too. I was almost always alone with my thoughts now that Y/n had started work again. Her hours tended to be late and tedious. She was the only thing keeping my sanity, everyday I drew a breath was for her. With the looks we shared, I wondered if she knew my real thoughts. My melancholic sulking was interrupted when a woman bumped shoulders with me and stopped me in my tracks. When I turned I recognized a familiar face waiting for me.

Reader’s POV

I was shocked when I came home, to say the least. The air was quiet, telling of the predicament I had placed myself in. I never thought I’d see Eivor and Valka sitting down together in my house. The silence was so loud, I couldn’t place my finger on exactly what but there was a feeling within me that knew why she was here. At first glance, she seemed unrecognizable but with a closer look, I recognized her right away. She looked almost the same with a more present-day twist to fit in. Faint freckles danced on her warm skin along with the intensity of her usual solemn expression. Her hair was pulled back and her eyebrows were as thick and beautiful as I remembered. She wore a light tan dress, she would never stray too far from her traditional taste. Valka wouldn’t have come this far for anything, a gut-wrenching feeling consumed me. I placed my belongings on a table near me and the three of us gathered around one another, the silence eating me alive.

“I want to make this as straightforward and honest as possible. We needed you then like we need Eivor now. Without you, Eivor would indefinitely no longer be with us. Ever since Eivor’s absence, the Danes and Saxons have grown only more divided.”

You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. Eivor had a worrisome look on her face, one that I had never seen before. Her eyes roamed around the room as If looking for some sort of distraction, maybe even a way out. I kept her sheltered here all this time and even though I’ve enjoyed every moment I still carry around a lot of guilt with me. The fact that I removed her from all that she knew tore me apart from the inside every day no matter how necessary. Perhaps, Eivor was meant to die there that day and her people’s fate was meant to be sealed. The realization that I could be in the process of ultimately changing the past suddenly struck me. Valka had more to say, a proposal I presumed to be made.

“If my visions are correct, Eivor is the key. My most recent discovery is that time changes throughout different realities and dimensions. It has been only a short amount of time for the both of you but It’s been years for us. Time passes slowly when maneuvering into the future but faster into the past.”

Everyone I met from the clan, I caused Eivor to completely leave them in the dark for years. I didn’t want to admit it but I knew exactly what Valka was getting at. These were Eivor’s last days with me if not the last day. As much as it pains me, she belongs in the past and I belong here. I screwed with time too much already, there are now two people out of place in the world. It’s almost as if Valka is an extraterrestrial being with the powers she holds and her ability to jump in between dimensions as if it were nothing. She had a natural aura about her almost like she could fit in anywhere she went and no one would have any suspicions. I've walked by Eivor’s side this entire time and I can't say the same for her. The road has been difficult and long, I can only imagine the toll it’s taking on her health.

The meeting with Valka was brief until she pulled only Eivor aside to talk to. I figured it wasn’t my business anyway since I was only one part of the story. As nosey as I was, I still tried to hold my breath to listen to their conversation but only whispers and mumbles could be heard. From the side of my peripheral vision, I saw Eivor and she looked stressed beyond all means. She was safe here and content whether she was happy or not and now she has one of the greatest burdens on her shoulders to deal with. A lump formed in my throat, I worried if there was still love between us at least on her end but it could just be my insecurities eating at me. For all, I know this is Eivor’s chance to be done with me and only I to be forgotten. Oh, but I could never forget her or the moments we share. Valka’s footsteps could be heard coming towards me as she came to say her farewells. When I stood up from my seat to make formal eye contact with her, I noticed her posture was straight and confident. I decided to keep my distance because I knew that I grew some sort of attachment to Valka as well. Not much could be said on my end, the decision is up to Eivor only.

Valka left and with her absence, the room grew eerily quiet. I couldn’t face Eivor, just seeing her face made me upset and wrapped in a whelm of emotions. Whenever the world became too much I always escaped outside. Like a coward, I ran towards the sliding door near the back of my apartment trying to hide my oncoming tears that were building up. The rays of the sun hit my skin and the sunset shone down on my face leaving a warm feeling on my cheeks. Tears started to roll down my face and I wiped it off with my shirt sleeve leaving a mess of a damp spot on the fabric. I felt selfish for crying, selfish because I never wanted someone all to myself so badly before. Being alone with my thoughts just caused me to feel them even more intensely, I allowed myself to be consumed by them. Suddenly, I heard what I knew was Eivor’s footsteps shuffling towards me. Quickly, I dried my tears and composed myself within a short time before Eivor stood close behind me.

“You don't have to hide it, I already can tell.”

I've had this moment a thousand times, the one where I try to look like I haven’t just bawled my eyes out. It never fails to completely embarrass me every time. When I turned around I noticed the sun beamed on her skin perfectly and every feature on her face could be seen clearly. She had her hair down, a relaxed look presuming she just got home not too long ago. Her eyebrows were pursed together as if she was studying me and trying to figure out what was on my mind. Eivor was like my guardian angel, always following me through my misfortunes and being my number one support. Truth be told, even if she went I was scared for her and if she could make it through this one. Her wounds were completely healed at this point, but I knew the damage it leaves on the mind is forever permanent.

She pulled me closer to her and wiped the wet spot on my cheek with her thumb. In her eyes, I could tell she was worried whether she admitted it or not. At the moment I catch her off guard her true feelings always show on her face and as soon as her eyes met mine she switched them off. I wanted to be honest with her and tell her my true feelings, how I felt about this situationship we involved ourselves in. My feelings had grown so strong since I met her and I realized I never once told her those three words. The more I tried to force words out of my mouth the more I felt the urge to cry again. Sure enough, tears started to fall down my eyes and my body kept telling me to let go of everything. Eivor brought me tightly into her chest and wrapped her arms around me, reluctant to release me. I heard her say something, mumbling under her breath. When I asked for reassurance as to what she said, she didn't hesitate or move.

“I love you.”

Eivor’s POV

The burden that's been placed upon my shoulders is a heavy one but I’m willing to face it. If I die going back I know that I’ll go in peace and with honor. Though it may have taken some time, I feel that Y/n understands that as well. Not to the degree that a drengr would but to the best of her abilities. She tried her best for me and I devote myself to trying my best for her. I was unsure of a lot of things in my life, but I knew no matter where this life led me that I wanted her there by my side. The sunlight was dying but the night was still young. Knowing it would be our last night here, we decided to savor it together. We did what we do best by getting wine drunk and cranked the volume on the speakers up so loud without a care of who was trying to sleep. The frown that was on her face earlier turned into smiles and laughs as she watched me attempt to dance. I always felt like I could have fun with her and be myself, not so serious all the time. She was a lightweight compared to me, already stumbling a little. Seeing her let loose was cute and showed me a side of her I haven’t seen before. I leaned in closer to her, truth be told she was looking extra sweet tonight. Her beauty was effortless and she didn’t even have to try to turn me on.

“Let me see you dance, I love to see you dance… Take you down another level and get you dancing with the devil.”

I placed my hands on her hips and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I did my best to lead her and sway with the music and It seems I was doing a good job once her cheerful eyes turned into a sultry spark. I pushed my torso closer to her, leaving that space between us no longer. A thousand intrusive thoughts crossed my mind, the most alluring one being that I could die right here and be happy. It’s the feeling moments before making love that is my favorite. My hands started to trace the outline of her body and my mind started to piece together what she looked like underneath the fabric from fond remembrance. Everything that brought me to her was worth it along with every obstacle in between. She leaned in to whisper in my ear and her voice had a noticeable nervous tremble.

“Take me with you…”

Reader’s POV

I said goodbye to everything I knew for the last time, this time the choice is mine willingly. Just a few months ago I would have never thought I’d be here and on my way to the place where it all happened. Where I met the love of my life and my impending future, the events that were to take place. The temperatures dropped so low at night, the bite of the cold felt bitter on my skin. Foolish me, I never take a cover-up anywhere I go. Luckily Eivor was close by and wrapped her jacket around me due to me being visibly upset by the weather. The cold never bothered her, I could feel the heat radiating from under her body when she hovered her arms over my shoulders to place her jacket. The stones were so close yet we hadn’t dared move within their reach. If I was to be honest with myself, I was nervous to go back. Perhaps, they would be upset with me for leaving so suddenly and taking Eivor along with me. It felt like just yesterday I was in England waiting for Eivor’s return by the ship dock.

Something within me felt like I was making the right decision and that this is the fate that was meant for me all along. Regardless of how twisted and strange it may be, I was ready. The entire time being here, Eivor constantly griped and moaned about how she missed home. For once, she was quiet. I always loved how expressive she tended to be with her face, studying everything like a hawk. She needn’t say much, I could tell what she was thinking about. Anxiety, sadness, and excitement all meshed together forming an array of emotions.

Eivor was a step ahead of me, venturing into the stone's embrace as I followed just behind her. Time seemed to pass more slowly, if not coming to a complete end. Throughout this whole experience, I realized that time wasn’t real. The people, the cultures and the history of the past all lived harmoniously with the present. It didn’t feel like I was traveling through time itself but rather visiting a different distant place on the same Earth. Families, lovers and enemies just the same as what we have today. Eivor’s hand met mine and there we held them together. The outline of the scars on the skin of her forehand and all that she endured in her life, a beautifully written story on her body could be felt. Eivor whispered something in her mother's tongue, something I couldn’t understand.

We both kneeled with our backs towards a tall large stone, huddled together with a cold and eerie feeling in the air. Eivor wrapped her arms around mine and we let whatever happened to be just that. I felt safe no matter where this life took me, I knew Eivor would be near. I was ready to live the remainder of my life with her in the past. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I thought of what our life was going to be like together and what our future held. Daydreams and fantasies that I wonder if she too thought of. Passing through a time portal was invisible, you could never really tell if you traveled or not. Something between reality and falsity merged, undetected by the universe itself. I closed my eyes and laid my head to rest in the crook of Eivors shoulder, letting my mind go blank.

[atinybitofau]

M I N G I ↛ mafia au

THE KING AND THE QUEEN SHARE THE THRONE

part two

warning: it’s more darkly sweet than it is any comedic sorry guys 😭 I hope ya’ll still like it. fem!reader (it’s more obvious in this one so I’ll tag it in)

• you knew exactly who he was.

• what he does for a living.

• and how much you want it.

• it hasn’t been long since you were globally recognized as

• X

• the notoriously masked racer that was sweeping underground royalty like you were a steel broom.

• but you needed the money.

• –is what you thought when you first started all of this.

• now you got greedy.

• you wanted it all.

• the fame, the fortune, the power

• you forget sometimes you have to hide well.

• Song Mingi was not just the top racer in South Korea’s illegal racing scene—

• he was also an infamous leader of the most wanted mafia syndicate in the world.

• but with your smarts and legacy,

• you didn’t think he’d ever find you even considering his own.

• “Who is he?” Mingi asks himself fingers running over his parted lips, watching from the skybox of the arena.

• your technique was flawless, it was.

• it was elegant almost.

• an alluring sight like a beauty of a woman

• not anything he’s ever seen a man in his racing history ever pull.

• “I want you to find him. And I want you to bring him to me.”

• his men scurry out and he’s playing with his glass in interest as you win yet another one of his organized tournaments.

• you were getting closer to the top.

• and he was starting to feel your threat.

• and Song Mingi does not handle his threats all that well.

• so he finds you.

• quite easily actually.

• unmasking that you were in fact NOT a man

• but a gorgeous woman with hips that threatened him worse than you behind the wheel as an opponent.

• threaten his insides and the small insanities to his limits.

• “Sir. We’re receiving a distress call from Seonghwa in Daegu. Says they’ve been ambushed. Would you like to send your men?”

• he’s more focused on you than his own affairs.

• caught in fondness and adoration at your beauty and stride.

• he thinks that it’s too good to be true.

• that you’re just a uni undergrad with an innocent addictive smile.

• “Send them.”

• he doesn’t want to let you out of his sight.

• but he knows he’ll eventually have you.

• have you right where he wants you.

• “And I want this woman to be guarded in return. This is Seonghwa’s territory after all.”

• “But sir—“

• Mingi darkly smiles at his chauffeur through the glass and taunts back. “That meeting I have this Saturday? With San? Cancel it. I want everyone on my spectrum to watch her crash and burn at the arena that day instead. I want her to receive that invitation please.”

• “But.” The chauffeur firms. “But sir.”

• “Make sure she keeps her mask held on tight. Her face is only for my glory to bask.”

• defeatedly, his driver sighs. “Yes sir.”

• but you, you’re beyond excited and no where near defeat

• this was the day you’ve been waiting for.

• and you’re revving your engine beside the most powerful man in the world himself with millions of his people— loyal people watching.

• you wanted his power.

• you craved his greed.

• you don’t forget however to look at the drop dead gorgeous face he has and sex appeal too right before the green light switches on.

• he smirks under his helmet when he catches the faint reflection in your eyes in the car across him.

• you remind him of himself.

• and he lets you crash and burn just like he did many years ago.

• in a more gruesome than kind intended gesture.

• despite your loss,

• his people are impressed

• by the many times you managed to scratch Mingi’s prized possession down to only shreds left.

• but he didn’t mind.

• you were his new prize.

• though, you think you’re in the clear for the most part.

• your first loss and your final hurrah

• till he has you pinned against your vehicle 10 miles away from where you two once were,

• eyes opposite but hearts aflame.

• “Damn, you’re more beautiful up close than words can even convey, princess.”

• you let out a shaky breath and your knees buck beneath you.

• sure you know Song Mingi.

• but not when he was an erotic romantic.

• this handsome, this tall, this broad.

• not when he was obviously this dominant and that much cocky.

• more to your liking than you’d assume

• “I-I’m sorry. I got lost on my way back home. Made a wrong turn.”

• he snickers at your excuse. “You owe me more than just an aimless sorry for trashing my prized possession with your crap driving. Come on now, princess. Don’t be a pain in the ass. I don’t like it.”

• you’re doubling up in heat when he presses against you further.

• eyes rolling back when his nose traces against your skin like a predator.

• but you’re very ready to be hunted.

• prepared almost.

• “Fuck. You make me want to keel over for you. Been waiting all fucking week to get you like this.”

• “I don’t know.. dont know what you’re talking about.”

• yeah you do.

• you don’t think you do but yeah you do.

• finding your loss against him more of a win when he held you up on top of your car hood.

• “You should thank me baby.”

• you’re letting him.

• letting him savor you like the prize he deserved after showing you, he is the top—

• the undefeated victor and you’ll always be the second.

• “Scratched that paint away and gave you this new paint job.” He’s talking about the car you had him trapped against, legs straddling his waist. “Will give you more than that if you let me, princess.”

• he’s chuckling sinisterly, hands trembling when he finally touches the burning skin beneath your clothes.

• it doesn’t take that long staring into your eyes till he knew—

• “I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who could keep up with me.” he’s praising you. “Testy and talented in all fields like myself.”

• “What makes you think I would meet those expectations, Mr. Song?”

• his body’s shaking from excitement.

• “Your body, the way your voice racks my brain, how you could beat me at my own game.”

• “I’m glad you know your place.”

• this big bad mafia boss didn’t scare you.

• in fact, he made you giddy in all the right ways.

• you were both on top.

• both conquerors.

• and you both thought the same thing wanting to conquer the world together.

• “You should thank me for this. You’ll thank me for this one day. I’m almost certain.”

• you smile against his lips, fond in your winners circle.

• “I can’t thank you for learning the things I’m better at on my own.”

• your hands clutch around his collar and he’s on thin ice.

• it makes you keen how you got the mighty Mafia god to melt at your touch.

• “Then teach me. Teach me the things you learned. The things I never could without you.”

• you two are in your own world of power.

• and he was sure he would put his temper to the test with having you.

• “Be my queen. Sit on my lap while I sit on the throne, princess. And I’ll give you more than just a meaningless win in my arena.”

• his teeth bare against your smile when he’s ecstatic your body approves.

• “Give me a win under your terms every day next and I’ll consider the conditions.”

• he knew what you meant

• and fuck was he more than happy to comply to it.

• “Your wish is my command.”

• you feel like you’re more in a fairytale then a real life crime syndicate.

• falling in love with your very own king.

@atinybitofau

[booksandseventeen]

School Project with Tsuki

☾ ☽Tsuki X Reader! ☾ ☽

The teacher stood with her hands on her hips, looking every student in the eye, “This next project is worth 50% of your grade.”

The classroom groaned. 

“You will be partnered up and during these last 6 weeks of school, you must go to 6 places neither of you have ever been before. Search the wonders of Miyagi and write a paragraph for each place you visit.” The teacher claps her hands together, “Consider this a great experience you can enjoy outside of school, as long as the places you visit was informational, I dont care where you go.” 

Tsuki sighed, his fingers twitching to put on his headphones and drone out the rest of this dreadful project. Partnered project were his least favorite part about school, but at least he could just tag along while Tadashi did the work, he could practically feel his friend vibrating with excitement behind him.

“Oh and before I forget, your partner will be the person that sits to the left of you~!” 

Tsuki blinked before glancing to the left. 

Empty. Of course his partner wasn’t even at school today. He raked his brain to try and think who sat to the left of him but he kept drawing a blank.

“Tsukishima, your partner isn’t here today but I trust that you can bring her the needed materials and tell her about the project, hm?” The teacher walked to his desk and set down a binder filled with information.

He pushed his glasses up, “Tch, what a burden.”

☾ ☽

“tell your partner I said hi!” Tadashi waved goodbye as they went their own ways, Tadashi to go home and Tsuki to visit your house, a torn out piece of paper with your address written on it. The paper fluttered in the wind and he sighed before continuing on.

The gate creaked when he opened it, weeds sprouted from the ground and a gnome broken in half welcomed him as he stepped on the overgrown stepping stones that led to your home. 

He knocked on the door and took a wary step back, unsure of who would answer the door. 

“COME IN!” The scream made him jump and he looked behind him almost as if the yell was meant for someone else.

He narrowed his eyes, felt his fingers tighten on the binder. All he wanted to do was drop off the stupid papers and hope his partner was fine with doing the project by themselves. 

Slowly, he turned the doorknob and stepped inside. The lights blinded him, a tv was playing on a random channel, a radio station played some sort of upbeat tune and he heard the thumping of feet above his head.

“up here!” the voice came from above. 

He took one more glance around before taking the steps two at a time, the hallway was just as lit as the living room, every door he passed had the lights on and he finally stopped behind the only closed door, music playing from a speaker somewhere inside.

The door opened, “Mom, did you-” she stopped suddenly. 

Tsuki stared down at the girl in front of him, she wore an oversized sweatshirt and joggers. Her hair was piled up on top of her hair. She leaned against the door frame, “You’re not mom.”

“Do I look like your mom?” he deadpanned

“Well, you got the condescending look down.” she smirked, “You’re in my class, what are you doing here?” she crossed her arms and looked him up and down. 

“Here.” He pushed the binder into her hands, “We’re partners for a project in school. It’s all in there, due in 6 weeks.” He turned to leave. 

He got as far as halfway down the stairs when the shock wore off and she thundered down after him.

“wait wait wait! You come to my house, tell me that we are partners for a project, and you expect me to do it all my myself?” She slides down the banister until she stops in front of him, making him come up short. 

“what else needs to be explained, shorty?” he looked down his nose at her. 

“You’re gonna pull your weight with this project, jolley green giant.” 

his frown deepened. “I don’t do partner projects.” 

She smiled up at him, “let me get my jacket.”

“what for?” he called after her.

“Because we might as well start now! You can borrow my sisters bike!”

☾ ☽ Week 1

It was on the tip of the tongue. Questions upon questions, but he bit his tongue, he refused to talk first. Instead the words just tumbled over and over again in his head. 

She biked beside him, a green jacket thrown over her hoodie and her bag thrown across her body. The full moon was the only light they had and the summer wind threw back her hair and he glanced at her to find that her eyes were closed. She was the most peaceful when her eyes were closed. 

He couldn’t take it anymore, the silence.

“Where are we going? You know we have school tomorrow.” his voice seemed unnaturally loud.

she looked over at him, the moon causing her eyes to seem brighter than usual “you’ll see.” 

Finally, they came to an overlook and parked their bike under a sakura tree. 

The ground crunched beneath their feet as they came to a railing. Tsuki stopped short and she reached up to close his mouth with her fingertip. 

It was a 360º view of Sanriku, the rhododendrons flowers blanketed the side of the mountain for as far as the eye could see, the sweet smell of flowers overwhelmed him.

she leaned with her elbows on the railing. “You know whats cool? These flowers are actually a blushing pink color. But at night, under the moon, they almost look violet.” she looked up at him. 

“some things look different in the dark.”

☾ ☽ Week 2

He woke up to the sound of his phone ringing, without thinking he blindly searched for it and answered, before he even brought it to his ear he could hear the notes of music.

“hey! you’re awake, skyscraper?”

“What the hell do you want, hobbit?” he grumbled and blinked blearily at his alarm clock, “it’s almost 2 am.” 

“Well I have another idea for our next location! But we gotta do it now, we can get in for free under the cover of night.” 

he could just imagine her. Walking up and down her room, lights on and music playing, twirling her hair around her finger, probably looking for a hoodie.

“I’ll take your silence as a yes! I’ll come pick you up after I find a hoodie.....”

☾ ☽

“Are you kidding?” he deadpanned.

“What? it’s perfect! Now help me push this thing.” she bent down and grabbed the end of the kayak, moving it only a couple of inches before she gave him a pointed look.

Sighing, he bent down and helped her move the kayak until it was even with the dock and she could jump in. 

“Come on! This is a two person thing.” 

“Why did I let you talk me into this?”

the moon reflected her profile into the still water, a fish flicked the surface and her face rippled. He took a step into the kayak.

She smiled at him and tossed him a paddle.

They glided through the water, him paddling on the right and she on the left. He sat behind her, his legs splayed on either side of her so he could fit. 

Again, the silence bothered him.

“Do you ever sleep?” he asked suddenly.

If he wasn’t paying so much attention to her he would have noticed her back stiffen. 

“why do you think I dont?” 

He shrugged but realized she probably couldn’t see that. “Oh I don’t know, maybe because you always seem to be up in the middle of the night, I’ve never seen your house without any lights on.”

She stops paddling but he keeps going. He can’t see her face, and for once, he wishes she would turn around.

“I...just don’t like to sleep.”

“who doesn’t like to sleep?”

she picks up the paddle again, disrupting the surface one stroke at a time. “someone who has too many dreams.” 

☾ ☽ Week 3

It was a Saturday night and he hadn’t heard from her all week. He turned off his computer and looked at his phone. This was peak time that she should be calling him, but what if she didn’t call? Then they would be a week behind the project. He paced his room, his phone clenched in his hand. He clicked on the buttons angrily.

No answer. He tossed his phone on the bed and laid down. Ten minutes later he was pacing again. He cursed and grabbed his phone and jacket. Silently making his way out of his house.

☾ ☽

*tap, tap tap*

She awoke with a start, her lights momentarily blinding her before he realized where she was at. She leaned out of her window and stared down at Tsuki, his arm cocked back to throw another rock.

“what are you doing?” she half whispered half yelled.

“Tch, idiot, I don’t want to be behind on the project so grab your hoodie and come on.” he walked away, leaving her to stare at him open mouthed. 

“where are we going?” she asked him as they grabbed their bikes and walked down the road. 

“you didn’t answer your phone.” he said, ignoring her question. 

“I had it on mute, hoping to catch a few Z’s.”

Immediately he felt bad, he had woken her up. But then he remembered that she had also woken him up before as well. “i’m sorry.” he heard himself say anyway.

She shook her head, her hair piled on top of her head, “don’t be. I’m thankful you woke me up, I was just starting to dream.” 

the rest of the ride was in silence until he finally brought them to their next location.

“a park.” she said with a smile, getting off her bike the rest of the way.

Before them lay a green field, a playground that was surrounded by strange, different styles of twisting metals and granite rocks chiseled to reveal a figure.

“A statue park.” he corrected, “artists all over Miyagi enter their statues and art in hopes of getting picks to have it displayed here.” 

Together they walked through the swaying grass, the silver of moon casting the statues faces into grimaces and sneers. She shook her head in wonder as they walked among the stones and metal.

“I like this one!” she said, pointing at a woman with a ring of drums around her that acted like a skirt. Tsuki watched as she played an offbeat tune on the statue. He laughed.

“look over there!” she suddenly pointed and grabbed his hand, running towards an exhibit. He looked down at their joined fingers, his large palm easily overwhelming her small one. He tightened his fingers. 

A large, plush cushion lay suspended in the air by a steel tractor type, a gossamer fabric hung over the top. The two of them climbed into it. “I think i’m supposed to unlatch something.” he heard her say, but he was too busy looking at the fabric laid over top. 

faint, dark lines were carefully drawn through the fabric, making it so that he could see the constellations in the sky. There was a loud click and he was suddenly thrown on his back as the large cushion suddenly swung in the air.

“WOOHOO!” he looked over to see her wobbling on her legs, the air rushing to meet her face.

“this is so cool!” she gasped, and slowly made her way over to him as the cushion swayed like a pendulum. She laid down beside him, her head on the his shoulder and his arm immediately went around her. 

“Im afraid to fall asleep.” she whispered after they had been laying down together for while, he had honestly thought she had fallen asleep.

“go ahead.” he grunted, he felt her shake his head.

“I can’t...I might dream.”

“what do you dream about?”

“...someone.”

he tightened his hold on her. “It’s just a dream, if it looks like your dreaming, i’ll wake you up.” he promised. his lips brushed against her hair, not hard enough for her to feel it, but close enough for him to close his eyes and inhale her scent.

And that’s how the workers of the park found them the next day, curled into one another, the cushion still swinging, the morning light not bothering either of them.

☾ ☽ 1 day later

He stood in front of her house, the flowers he had picked up on the way there dropped from his hand. 

A red, ugly foreclosure sign was the only thing he could see. 

She was gone. 

☾ ☽

Part 2

[doolkat]

overall review of eurovision this year? i can tell you hated moldova and switzerland and said maneskin looks like the type of group to do drugs (which is... weird) but other than that what did you actually like

Good question anon! Also wow people really still read my esc posts from may.. huhu bit embrassing looking back at some of my reactions but I was in the moment ahahah. plus they are justified in my eyes pftt

Maybe I expressed myself too strongly on some things so they came off as very negative.Oops well I got a change to clean that all up now.

I didnt hate maneskin tbh I just dont get the hype.

Only one I truely hated was Moldova lmao cuz the song was geniuely so bad it shouldnt been in finale at all.

Switzerland was bad to me cuz of extreme sensory over load and I dont like french language. Idk I guess I dont have romantic ear but I honestly just dont like the language.

Also I enjoyed almost all songs besides the ones u mentioned!

Personal favorite song and unpopular af opinion is that I enjoyed Australias song technicolor. Also I somehow enjoyed Azerbaijan mata hari, idk it was catchy af!

I felt emotinal connection to Australias song and Azerbaijan was just catchy and kinda funny to me. Idk why it reminded me of Floppa lmaoo

Best stage performance with intresting song to me was Ukraine!Really cool visual and dance. SONG SLAPS WITCH ENERGY

Cool movie like performance and touching entry was by Norway to me.

Finland had some good emo rock song imo. I liked it much more than Italy actully maybe I dont like Italy that much cuz Im bitter that Finland didnt get super high place lol.(Im half finnish so I stand by my finnish emo rock boys)

Lithuania my fellow baltics friend did good performance too this year. I enjoyed their funny performance. If u want some thing funny check Germany and Lithuania. Germany seems kinda like troll entry this year. Lithuanias song was good plus it was funny too kinda.

Speaking of funny DENMARK! they didnt do very good but I loved their song and its catchy af and doesnt take itself too seriously plus if u read the lyrics its a NONSENSE. xd

Hosts this year - absolute ass. My least favorite part about esc this year. Nikkitutorials was there.. yeah but I feel like the hosts didnt make any funny comments and I felt like all the songs came on so so fast cuz there werent really any breaks. My ass had Hard time fully focusing on all songs because of that. I think some people can relate to that. I dont know if I didnt understand the jokes but the host imo didnt have any connection with the audience or viewers. Too many of them anyways to me. I missed Jon Olan Sand too.

Visuals and performances-

very cool and OVERWHELMING. I had at least 3 moments where my head hurted a bit. Could be cuz of the visuals itself being so flashy or just how eyes couldnt catch a break cuz the pauses this year were nonexistant or very very short so for my brain and eyes it was hard to progress. Nothing too Crazy happend on stage tho this time. Giant finger and Greece performance.

Greece performance was pretty cool btw. viusally at least. The song imo was alwful. lol

Voting - AS usual with few suprises. Our estonian host told us in begging of esc that fortune tellers say Italy will win.. and then quess what. So that was kinda boring maybe thats also why I cant seem to like their song. I wish the fortune tellers would be wrong sometime or I wouldnt know but our host Marko Reikop literally always tells us who fortune tellers will think will win so yeah. That always comes AS dissapointment if they are right.

Opinion on Italy : Typical rock stars who happen to bisexual so tumblr and other lgbt communities can pump them up but this time the song happens to be good. Thats what I think please dont take this AS offence but the hype is so overrated like yeah their good and HOT but like we get it.I havent seen this much hype over a winner in a while I dont know why they are so different from every other winner. I just feel like some of this is queerbiting.. idk some thing about lgbt community going so Crazy about bisexual performing is Crazy to me. I just dont get it. IT was good song tho ill give them that but not that much better than other songs in contest.

Over all it was good eurovision imo! I dont rember having this much songs that I liked and saved in my playlist in many years.

I liked the songs and performances I feel like lot of them were high quitaly this year with expection of few countries. The crowd was really seemed to enjoy esc and everyone here on tumblr and on esc reaction communities really seemed in the element! Which made me more hyped and excited to watch esc. IT was very enjoyable event to enjoy with other people from all over the world this year and everyone felt connectef after the pandemic! Thats whats best about it this year imo. Every really seemed to. enjoy themselves and I did too. Eurovision is connecting people and everyone was happy to have it back after last year it didnt happen.!

I dont know anon if u wanted me to do review on all the countries performances too. If yes please do let me know. U can be anonmyous. Illl gladly tell and can even make different post about it.

I know my Italy comment probaly is controversial but I just wanted to get it out.

Thanks for the ask! 💓IT was nice reflecting back on esc!!

[thequeenb]

The Date

Pairings: KamilahxMC

I was sitting peacefully on my desk working when suddenly i could hear a pair of heels clicking violently into the marble floor.

As i turned around i caught a glimpse of Kamilah walking towards my desk

I quickly tried to focus on my work but i failed miserably and i am sure she noticed that too. It was impossible to keep my eyes off this woman, something magnetic was always pulling me closer.

"Amy" she said casually but it didn't sound casual to me. The way she said my name was different from anyone else. How she could make something so usual sound so sexual?

"Hm? Oh hi Kamilah" i said like i spotted her just now but we both know i felt her presence before she even approached. Her smirk is her way on letting me know how amused she is knowing the effect she can have on me

"I was wondering, will you like to.." her voice trailed off as she leaned closer to me. Her perfume filled my nose as i fought the urge not to bite my lip gazing at her open blouse

"to go to dinner with me?" she whispered like its a sin and it sent shivers down my spine. Her eyes were insisting, enough to make the offer irresistible

"Oh-ye-a sure" i tried to compose myself as she gave me a nod telling me the exact time she will be waiting for me outside of my apartment. I take a second to reflect on what just happened did she just asked me out?

___

I rushed into our apartment where Lily was playing video games on the couch as usual. She paused her game looking at me with concern

"What happened girl did you run a marathon?"

I laughed trying to catch my breath. Its ridiculous how easily she can get in my head, enough to sweep me off my feet. One day she is casual and distant and the other i am screaming her name in her bed.

"Kamilah..she asked me on a date, i think its a date, maybe its not, she attracts many women so i dont know, just yesterday she was out with this wom--"

"Wow wow calm down, Kamilah did what?" Lily asked again genuinely surprised which makes my mission to calm down impossible

"She wants to take me out for dinner, she will be here in 2 hours" i say finally catching my breath, its almost tragic how excited i feel about tonight.

After 2 hours i get out of the room putting on a show for Lily who cheer proudly. Tonight i decided to wear her favourite colour red with my high heels and of course my favourite lipstick. Its like i can imagine her eyes scanning me from head to toe, a blush creeps across my cheeks

"You look stunning, Kamilah will have a hard time focusing on anything else" she winked as she hugged me goodbye, encouraging me for my date, but as i was stepping closer to the exit my panic grew more.

Every doubt faded when i saw her standing next to her car. She was wearing a pair of black pants with black high heels. Her blouse was open just enough to make anyone curious. She knew her greatest features and she knew exactly how to show them off

I swallowed hard as i watched her hungry eyes look intently over my body, exactly what i wanted to achieve. Like she could read my mind she cleared her throat as i stepped closer

"You look wonderful tonight" she said trying to hide a smile that i can only imagine brighting her whole face

"Just tonight?" I asked playfully as she rolled her eyes. She opened the door for me letting our eyes linger on eachother a little longer than i intended

When we arrived at the restaurant i could already tell how luxurious it was. A man opened the door for us and as soon as we stepped in the delicious smell of food was filling the air. Its no secret that Kamilah has taste but i was amazed by its beauty anyways.

She smirked as we sat down, she had a light in her eyes that i never saw

"Whats so funny?" I asked curiously before opening my menu

She shrugged not touching hers. I am sure she knows what she wants. I can tell she has been here more than enough for the stuff to know who she is.

"Its just amusing to watch you look around so amazed and curious. When i look in your eyes i feel like i experience this once again"

I couldn't hide my smile even if i wanted. My cheeks felt on fire just from those simple words. The waitress was ready to take our order and of course she ordered their finest wine.

The dinner was delightful and to my surprise Kamilah was laughing and smiling the whole night. I was able to notice some details i never witnessed before. Like the way her head falls back or how her eyes shine when she is talking about something that she loves.

We approached the car and deep down i knew i didn't want this night to end. For the first time i wasn't just sex for her, i was something more and i wanted to cherish that opportunity she gave me.

"Would it be okay if we went to your apartment?" I asked her while a hint of amusement could be seen in her eyes

"Why, yes but what for?" Her tone was teasing and i could already tell how amused she was by my suggestion. Without another word she drove to her apartment, where it was the death of me.

As soon as we stepped in Kamilah pinned me against the wall, her eyes burning with desire

"You look like a vision darling" she whispered to my ear before bitting it just enough to get pleasure out of it. I breathed out like i was holding my breath underwater trying desperately to come up to the surface

She pressed her body against mine while our lips met halfway. Tonight was different. When we kissed i could feel the fireworks inside my heart and my mind went blank

Our tongues danced together, a thing i could tell she loved very much so by the moans i got out of her. I reached out to touch her put my hands were quickly pinned against the wall effortlessly

"Watch" she said, her eyes never leaving mine. It wasn't just words it was a command, one that i obeyed without questioning it. She took a step back undressing herself slowly. She made sure i was enjoying the show she was putting on. With each flesh she was revealing i was driving more and more insane

She was finally standing Infront of me exposed and i could feel the heat between my legs grow more as i watched each inch of her naked skin.

She lead me to her bedroom where once again i was pinned but this time i was facing the wall.

"You are such a good girl" she whispered as she licked my neck, at this point my body was surrendering to her touch completely. She worked quickly on my dress and soon i was naked as well.

"Lay on the bed" she commanded and i did as i was told

She watched me with her hungry eyes, step by step before i was laying my back on the soft mattress. She came on top of me kissing my neck. Her open mouthed kisses became bites, and my body was craving her more and more.

Her fingertips danced gracefully on my naked body making me arch with need. She smirked as she planted kisses on my breasts going lower and lower. My breath was caught in my throat as i opened my legs for her

"Mm you look delicious" she said as she caressed the inside of my thighs

"Your hands will stay above your head otherwise.." she bite my abdomen in warning of what can happen if i wont obey.

I submitted to her. I gave her my body, my soul. The moment her mouth devoured me she devoured my soul and i was completely at her mercy.

Domination is about trust, about opening to someone completely, laying every inch of your body Infront of them. Its about guiding and encouraging.

And i was dancing to her song, i was following her footsteps but she followed my desire to swing to the rhythm. It was exactly like a trust fall.

I closed my eyes enjoying each sensation falling back into a void of pleasure trusting her to catch me. I got so lost screaming her name through the night, but there is one thing i know for sure, that i would give her everything in a heartbeat.

Tag list: @scarlet-letter-a0114 @blackphenix9527 @nydeiri @amorettemcsky @sayeedbound @samgtt700 @la-guera-69 @vonda-b-real @justahumblepie @littlemissgreen97 @ilovetaylorswiftforever7 @wildsayeed @trouble-with-the-curve @onyxgaytrash @mrskamilxh @nopenos-stuff @gavryllo

[fxkthatdairy]

PANIC ROOM CHAPTER SIX: FIRE ON FIRE ~Grayson Dolan

Overview: In the year 2020, to solve the problem of overpopulation. Selected few are thrown into the PANIC ROOM simulation. If the person finds their soulmate in the simulator and manages to survive, they are able to rejoin the rest of the population. If they fail they will become a victim of the PANIC ROOM. What happens when (Y/N) gets thrown in the PANIC ROOM? Will she survive? Or will she fall victim to the simulation?

Warnings:  (epilepsy warning for the photo ⚠️) Smut, angst, violence, death

“Take me back to the tent Gray, take me back so that we can make love because damn it Gray, I’m in love with you and I need you. You’re like my drug that I need to survive.” I said and kissed him again. He nodded and grabbed all the stuff and picked me up with my legs wrapped around his waist and carried us back to the tent.

Third Person POV

Grayson opened the tent door and placed (y/n) gently down on their blanket palette that they had been sleeping on. He quickly secured the tent and crawled back over to her and settled himself between her legs. He leaned down and kissed her extremely gently but also filled with a burning passion. Their bodies felt like they were in a fire of love, bliss, and true happiness. He trailed his kisses softly down her neck and behind her ear, slowly claiming her soft skin as his. He slid his hands down her body and up her shirt resting them on her belly. The way he looked at her laying underneath him was the way a starving person would look at a full course meal, or a blind person seeing the stars for the first time. They were absolutely, undeniably, in love with each other.

“May I?” Grayson asked slightly lifting her shirt signaling that he wanted it off. (Y/N) nodded her head and Grayson pulled the shirt over her head and threw it to the side. He trailed his kisses from her neck down the center of her chest. He slid his hands under her sports bra and pulled it over her head. She was biting back moans knowing she couldn’t be too loud because they could still be fount and killed. He trailed his kisses across her breasts and focused his attention on one of her nipples at a time. The small whimpers of pleasure she was making went straight to his cock which was extremely hard by now.

“God angel, you are perfect. You are so fucking beautiful. I love you so much. I promise you to forever care for you. I give you my word that I will move mountains for you if need be. I will keep you out of harm’s way. I will be anything you need at any given time. No matter what you ask of me, I will do it, because you are the love of my life. You are my everything. Forever.” He said trailing his kisses down her stomach to the top of his pants. He slipped his fingers through the sides of them and gently pulled them down. (Y/N) pulled him gently back up and interlocked their lips. She slid her hands underneath his shirt and he helped her pull it over his head. God, he was beautiful, like he was sculpted by God himself. Grayson pulled his pants off and placed them to the side. He began gently rubbing his crotch against hers as they made out slowly. She slipped her fingers through his hair as he reached down and pulled her underwear gently off. He rubbed his calloused fingers against the most sensitive part of her body, watching as her body squirmed and her breathing got heavier. He inserted one finger, stretching out her walls and then another and began thrusting them in slowly. She let out small whimpers and moans as she grounded her hips against his fingers. He curled her finger hitting that perfect spot within her making her toes curl and her hips left up slowly. He placed a hand against her hipbone keeping her down and continued to thrust his fingers. She was honestly so wet and it was driving him crazy knowing he had this much effect over her body. He slowly pulled out his finger and brought them up to his mouth, licking her juices from off of his fingers.

“God sweetheart you taste absolutely delicious, I could drown in you forever,” he said and kissed her neck softly. Deciding they were ready, he reached down and slipped his own boxers as well. He interlocked their fingers together as he looked her deeply in the eyes.

Fire on fire would normally kill us

With this much desire, together, we're winners

They say that we're out of control and some say we're sinners

But don't let them ruin our beautiful rhythms

“Are you absolutely positive that you want to do this?” He questioned softly. He wanted to make sure she truly wanted this because he never ever wanted to take advantage of her.

“I’m positive Gray, please I need you,” she whimpered as she pulled him in closer by her legs that were wrapped around his waist. He kissed her lips passionately as he slowly pushed into her. He could feel her moans against his lips as he slowly began to bottom out. He pulled back and wiped away the few stray tears that rolled down her cheek.

“Angel, you’re absolutely perfect,” he spoke gently as he watched her eyes to see if she was ready.

“I’m ready Gray, you can move,” she said and Gray slowly began to roll his hip, thrusting into her. She bit her tongue to hold back the moans.

“I wish we were at home, in bed, so that I could hear those beautiful moans. I love you so much (y/n), I love you more than you’ll ever know,” he said and placed his head by the side of her neck as he thrust in slowly. He could spend eternity like this is he could, he wished they weren’t in their current situation.

Cause when you unfold me and tell me you love me

And look in my eyes

You are perfection, my only direction

It's fire on fire

“God, Grayson, You make me feel so fucking good, I love you so fucking much,” she moaned out as he thrust into her slightly faster. She could feel her approaching orgasm and her moans started getting slightly louder and Grayson bent down and attached his lips to hers drowning her moans. Her pussy squeezed tightly around him and it was hard not to cum right there at that moment but he had other priorities. He pulled his lips off just barely enough to whisper to her.

“Oh angel, it’s okay, let go for me, I’ve got you,” and that’s all it took from him and her orgasm let loose like a flood. Her nails clawed softly up his back as she bit her lip to prevent herself from screaming from the amount of pleasure her body was experiencing. He thrust into her faster as he felt his own release catching up to him and when he was about to pull out, she stopped him, bringing him in closer by her legs.

“It’s okay, I trust you, cum inside me, I need it, I need you to fill me up Gray, please fill me up,” she whined in his ears desperate to feel so full with her own cum as well as the man she truly loved. Those sweet words are all it took for Grayson to release his cum deep within her pussy. With him still in her, he laid down gently on top of her making sure not to put his weight on top of her. He placed small kisses all over her face as she was recovering and as soon as he felt his energy come back, he slowly pulled out. He picked her up carefully, checking outside to see if there was anyone nearby and there was no one. By now, the sun had set and everything was silent. He grabbed his gun just in case and carried her down to the river to wash them both off.

“That was amazing Grayson, thank you for making me feel that way,” she whispered as he washed her body gently. The moonlight reflected on their skin as they bathed.

“No thank you, (y/n), thank you for letting me pleasure you. I can’t wait to pleasure you for the rest of our lives.” He said placing kisses all over her neck. When they finished bathing, he picked her up and carried her to the tent. They wrapped up in the blankets, unclothed. She was curled into his side as he rubbed her back. She slowly drifted off to sleep curled into his body heat. He stared at her for a while, watching the way her chest would move up and down with every breath she took.

Grayson’s POV

She looked absolutely beautiful, the way her hair rested against her back, the way her skin was shimmering in the slight glimpses of the moonlight, the way she looked completely relaxed. I could stay like this forever. I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible so that we could make it out alive. This has to be some sort of puzzle that we have to solve to make it out. They are trying to keep it secret because the longer we are in here the more of us they can ween off but what they don’t know is that I’ve seen the small glimpse of puzzles nearby, and the fear serum is the fucked up part of the game. A lot of people have died in the few days we’ve been trapped in this hell hole and I was not going to let us be on that list. Tomorrow I plan to go out and try finding those puzzle pieces and bring them back to see if we could figure it out together. I slowly felt myself drift off to sleep.

I was tied up, unable to move, I couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried. In front of me stood a dark man, I couldn’t see his face but all I could see was the large knife he held in his hand. I also saw my mom, Ethan, Cameron, and (Y/N) tied down to chairs as well. The fear on their eyes burned through my soul as I was unable to help them.

“How does it feel Grayson, to feel so helpless, so weak, unable to save the people you truly love who I’m going to kill slowly and make you watch. How does it feel to lose everything you have in a span of a few minutes because YOU couldn’t save them. Such a shame.” The dark man spoke as he dragged the blade slowly across the neck of my mother. She let out a blood-curdling scream as her life slowly left her body.

“STOP IT, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL KILL YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD! IF YOU WANT TO KILL ANYONE, KILL ME NOT THEM, THEY DONT DESERVE THIS,” I screamed at the dark man as he walked over to Cameron and did the same. Hot tears of anger rolled down my face and I struggled to rip myself out of the ropes. The dark man stood behind Ethan and my heart stopped, not my twin, the one who’s been with me since birth, the one I can’t live without, the one who I planned on spending forever with even when we had our own families.

“Too bad Grayson, so sad because you see I don’t want you, I want to watch you suffer slowly as I rip everything you love from you and leave you here to wallow in your despair and heartbreak. Because YOU can’t save them, you can’t escape the ropes that bound you,” the dark man laughed evilly as he slit Ethan’s throat. My heart sunk as I screamed out, pulling harder on the rope, rubbing my skin absolutely raw to the point where it was bleeding. I felt his soul leave this world as it was like our twin bond was disconnected. I wanted to puke, I wanted to escape and kill this son of a bitch, bring him back and kill him over and over again. Then I watched him walk over to (Y/N) and my heart sunk to my stomach. Not her, God please not her.

“Stay away from her you son of a bitch! I swear to god I’ll kill you,” I screamed at the dark man as he stood behind (Y/N).

“Tsk Tsk Tsk poor Grayson, haven’t you realized nothing you say is going to make me stop. You can’t save her because you’re weak, you couldn’t save your family because you were weak and once I���m done with your precious soulmate you’re going to be all alone because what’s that saying about soulmates, “You only get one”, such a shame she has to die. Now you get to listen to her scream out for the man she loves who cant save her,” The dark man said with an evil laugh as he plunged the knife deep into (Y/N)‘s abdomen. She let out the loudest scream of pain and I watched her body convulse.

“Grayson! Please help me! He’s going to kill me!” She screamed out as I struggled to break loose from the constricting ropes. The harder I seemed to pull the tighter they seemed to get. I watched as her blood began to pool around her feet. Tears fell down my face as I tried and I tried to break free.

“I’m right here baby girl,” he said through his tears.

“You promised, you promised Grayson that you wouldn’t let me die. Please don’t let me die, I love you,” she whispered as she went in and out of conscienceness.

“You promised Grayson but it seems you won’t be able to keep your promise, Now you’re gonna spend your life alone, knowing you weren’t strong enough to save your family and your soulmate,” the evil man laughed as he ran the knife across (Y/N)’s neck, ending her life. My body failed me and all of a sudden the ropes were gone and I hit the ground hard. The dark man was gone and I crawled over to (Y/N)’s and held her in my arms and cried.

I jolted up in my sleep, heart racing, body sweating, and I was definitely crying. My jolt must’ve woken up (Y/N) as she raised her body and placed a hand on my back gently rubbing it.

“What’s wrong Gray? Are you okay?” She questioned and all I did was picked her up and placed her in my lap facing me and burying my face in her neck as I wrapped my arms around her waist. My body was shaking at this point but I didn’t care. I needed her near me, I had to know she was alive.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it now, we can talk in the morning.” She said as she ran her fingers through my hair in an attempt to calm me down. I nodded still holding on to her, I laid her on the ground, spooning her with her face towards me. She continued to run her fingers through my hair and whispered sweet nothings. I needed to see her at all times, I was so afraid that I had actually lost her.

“You are more than my soulmate. You are my safe haven, my oasis of peace, and the only person who can calm me down with just one word. I love you so much and you mean so much to me.” I whispered to her and kissed her gently on the lips. I ran my fingers through her hair as we both began to drift back off to sleep.

———————————————————————

Chapter six is done! I hope you guys enjoy this series as much as I enjoy writing it. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on how the series is going so far. As always let me know if you have any requests, concepts, or blurbs. Part seven will probably be up in the next few days. Part eight of The Principals Office should be up within the next couple of days as well. Love you guys 🥺😊💛

Tags: @dolanshellyes @graysavant @graydolan12 @flowery-dolan @dolan-bliss @justordinaryjen @fandomsfeministsandothershit @dolans4lyfe @lanelessdolan @pineappledols @reblogserpent @frickin-bats @cautiouscalum @grays-laugh @youtuberimagines12 @minecraftgamerr @wrcn9fvlcver

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[seoulnotes]

Luce in altis   |   vii. Another Choice

S Y N O P S I S | Passed down from centuries worth of history, the remnants of a hatred between two kings reside in a small village that serves as a border between their two feuding kingdoms. y/n lives in that village and must seek aid from one of the kings. Her trust is tested when she learns of the king that is truly wicked.

C H A R A C T E R S | Kim Taehyung, Park Jimin, reader (y/n) ; (mentions of other members)

G E N R E | fantasy, romance, drama — royalty au ; PG-15

W A R N I N G S (chapter specific) | cursing (like a word or two)

W O R D C O U N T | 5.4k (oops, i really dont know how it ended up being so long)

All parts here

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Strangely enough, the tension dissipated slightly by the time dinner came around. Although both kingdoms were nearly enemies, both courts dined at tables with laughter and conversation.

Taehyung sat at the end of the long table instilling that he was still the king that was hosting them in his palace.

I was sat next to Taehyung as he had requested. Jungkook had also joined the dinner sitting on the other side of me and Jimin was sitting across from me on Taehyung’s other side. Jungkook had given me a polite smile when we sat, but I was not sure whether to bring up what had happened a few weeks ago. We ended up not really talking although I wished to ask him what he saw when he held my palm.

Both brothers dined as if they had never gone at war with each other and severed their father’s land into two. Either it was that or they were acting very well. Taehyung was more than capable of such an act. I did not know Jimin long enough to guess if he could uphold such an act.

“Seeing as you might be tired after your travels, I would like to host a ball in honor of your arrival tomorrow night. What do you think about that, Jimin?” Taehyung rose a goblet of red wine to take a drink.

“Balls are always fun,” Jimin smiled widely, agreeing. “I was missing the beautiful winters here. Apologies for not sending you an earlier correspondence. If I knew you would be so extravagant with dinners and balls, I would have sent my correspondence a year in advance!”

Taehyung chuckled. “If you traveled so far, I’d like to make your stay worth it, dear brother.” I hoped my ears weren’t mistaken when I heard the edge in ‘dear brother’.

Jimin didn’t seem to have heard it. “It would have been worth it even if you made me sleep in my own carriage,” he joked to which both brothers chuckled after and toasted each other.

It was a heartwarming reunion of brothers, but there was just something that felt off about their conversations and actions towards each other. It did not seem as genuine as they set it out to be.

Maybe history was just exaggerated and there was never really such bad blood.

—

After the dinner, Taehyung had told me to follow him rather than returning to my quarters. He led me into a room I had never been in. He didn’t care about the secrecy, opening the hidden bookcase entrance with me behind him.

Leading to the room was a hallway with globes of light hung along the wall. When we arrived there, I noticed a pit of sand in the center and swords and armor that hung along the stone walls. Was this some type of training room?

“I want to teach you how to sail,” he stated, turning around with his hands clasped behind his back.

“I don’t want to learn magic,” I countered immediately and crossed my arms. I didn’t want to, truly. Finding out I possessed some type of power already scared me. What if I end up hurting someone with it?

“Well, you have powers whether you like it or not. Might as well put it to some use. Perhaps it will be useful to you in the future,,” he disappeared in the blink of an eye. Then he was behind me before I could notice. “Boo,” a warm breath beside my ear. His hand placed onto my shoulder causing me to jump slightly.

And when I noticed, I turned around and pushed him. Instead of a normal push, something powered through my veins, in my palms, there was enough force and wind that followed that caused Taehyung to end up on the floor many feet away. It was as if I had conjured up wind from nothing. It felt weird when such magic came to me and I’ll never forget the feeling of how it felt like it was crawling right under my skin.

He was surprised for a second before peering up at me with mischievousness in his eyes and a growing smirk on his lips as if to say I told you so.

My own mouth was agape and my eyes on my palms and then him. I did that.

Then in a dissolved smoke of black, he was gone once again. I should have known better when he was behind me once again. Except, this time, my irritation didn’t react fast enough when I turned to push him away, he was already gone in the other corner of the room with his arms crossed as he watched me with those dark eyes.

My patience was growing thin and he was really wearing it thin with this ‘lesson’. When I took one step towards him to confront him, he disappeared once again, reappearing in a different corner.

“Don’t you want to hit me again? Don’t you want to catch me?” He was teasing me, dangling my anger right in front of my face.

I did want to, I just didn’t know how to.

As if he answered my questions, he appeared behind me, arms wrapping around me at the waist and sailing with me in his hold to the center of the room on the sandpit.

“That wasn’t funny,” I nearly shouted, a hiss in my voice. I fell onto my knees and hands because the sailing gave me a wave of nausea as expected. He did it on purpose to irritate me further, enough to make me want to use my magic again.

“y/n,” he sang in a corner of the room once again. “If you wish to catch me, you’ll have to sail because your human feet won’t be fast enough.”

“I don’t know how to!” I cried. My frustration was growing because he was toying with me in the worst way. I used my hands and pushed myself from the ground, planting both feet firmly to keep me balanced.

“Imagine where you want to go and you’ll catch me… maybe,” he said in a taunting tone and another twisted smile. He didn’t move this time as if to test me.

I tried. I imagined moving to where he was. I didn’t move one bit.

“Try harder,” he taunted once again.

I closed my eyes, imagined being in front of his stupid smirking face, tackling him to the sand, and punching that smirk right off.

When I opened my eyes, I was where I intended, except Taehyung had moved again to the opposite side of the room.

Sailing myself was not as bad, but the nausea was still there. I grunted both from being angry and sick. When I looked at him, he waved. I attempted to catch him once again, but he was one step ahead of me.

I sailed successfully but missed my target.

He was back to his original spot, arms crossed. “Come on, you’ll have to try harder than that.” I hated how he was speaking.

I took a step towards him and he disappeared except I had been watching him bounce between different corners. I sailed one split second behind him and with a guess, I picked a corner.

I slammed into something hard, either a wall or Taehyung himself. With a grunt, he fell and I was on top of him, knees on either side of his now lying body.

Did I want to retch from this nauseousness? Yes. Did I want to do it right when I tackled Taehyung and possibly onto him? Yes. Yet, I was not cruel enough to do it.

Instead, I rolled over and whatever I ate for dinner was on the ground beside his head.

“Fuck you,” I never spoke such vulgar words, but after this, I felt the right to do so was mine.

He had already gotten up, offering a genuine smile as his hand reached down to help me up.

“Why did you do that? I said magic didn’t matter to me.” The back of my hand came up to wipe my mouth.

“It will come in handy,” he said. I didn’t know what he meant, but the way he said it felt like he knew I would need it soon. It gave me an unsettling feeling.

I was still slightly nauseous despite walking for a bit and having thrown up so Taehyung walked me to my bedroom.

“Get some rest. Practice it if you’d like to get better at it and have a more accurate sail,” the corners of his lips tugged into a smirk. “I will see you at the ball tomorrow.”

—

Just as Taehyung said, there would be a ball tonight. I had never seen the palace staff in such a hurry, rushing through hallways with handfuls of plates, glasses and an assortment of decorations. I was surprised there was even such a ballroom in a palace as dark as this one.

I, on the other hand, found myself in the least crowded place: the palace’s library. I hated reading as a child. When my school teacher assigned readings to grow our vocabulary and gave tests on the words, I always failed because I would rather be anywhere else and doing anything else than to be nose deep in a book for hours.

Perhaps, that was why my vocabulary is so limited now.

Now it was ironic, my favorite pastime since arriving at this palace was reading novels in the library. Instead of taking up precious time, they were helping to pass the time. Instead of boring stories that meant nothing to me, they became everything to me; they became stories that weren’t the reality I dreaded.

When it came time, I was summoned by Anna. She brought me back to my bedroom chambers. There I was stripped, bathed, and prepared for the ball.

My dress tonight was tenfold more extravagant and elegant than what I had been dressed thus far. Rather than a ballgown, the dress was tight, hugging the curves of my body with a plunging neckline. The material was smooth in my hands, reflecting the light with every move I made. It was a dark bronze.

Rather than plain pinks and reds being used for my complexion, a dust of silver highlighted my cheekbone and shimmering silver lined my eyes and was painted onto my lips. My hair was allowed to hang freely and loose, but a small crown was still the accessory.

I realized how much both kingdoms treasured their balls and such events for even servants had a different change of clothes just to serve drinks and food at the ball.

Taehyung didn’t meet me to attend the ball together, but I was told by Anna that I would meet him there amongst the people.

It was like a scene out of a fairytale; the moment when the main character arrived in her beautiful gown at the top of the stairs which led down to the floor of the ballroom and everyone turned their heads to steal a glance at her.

I became conscious of my presence, of my own mortality and how much of my body was exaggerated with the dress. It made me feel less comfortable in my skin when all eyes came to me. I was not as beautiful as the folk of the kingdom who even in their cruel fashion and ways had beautiful features. Everything about them outshined humans and their dullness.

They were gifted perfect skins like porcelain in a variety of shades. There was nothing like different pigmentation like birthmarks that humans had; they had no blemishes. They had perfect posture as if they never slouched once in their lifetime and walked with their heads raised and shoulders back.

Although most eyes watching me didn’t know I was not one of them, I was self-aware. I just hoped I was painted enough that I didn’t look like a dull human.

Thankfully, Taehyung was at the bottom of the stairs to give me an excuse to rush from the spotlight. The crown above his brow this time not angled casually, but in its rightful place, exuding simply, he is the king.

He reached for my hand and when I arrived at the landing, I curtsied. He kissed the back of my hand and looked up with daring eyes.

“Breathtaking as always,” a certain smile on his lips.

Even though the words might have been for an act or for the people to see, I felt a flutter in my chest like those words made me feel something and my cheeks heat red.

“Thank you, Your Majesty.” I smiled back and thankfully, the blush on my cheeks made sense so I wasn’t worried about exposing my hidden feelings.

“Dance with me,” he said as he began to walk towards the center of the floor. Subjects and guests parted for him. In the background, the musicians began a new song, a waltz.

Oh no. I panicked slightly; I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. “Are you sure?” I half-whispered, half loudly voiced.

He only continued and I had no choice but to trust him.

His left hand grabbed onto my right and his right hand onto my waist, allowing me to place my arm along his and hand onto his shoulder.

I realized why I was dressed this way with the silver and bronze. Taehyung was dressed in a suit jacket, the darkest shade of blue, almost black, with a satin black shirt beneath. He also had his silver dust on his cheekbones and a line of silver along his eyes. With Taehyung, I looked like the golden moon in the midnight sky, another symbol that I was his queen to be for everyone to see.

We didn’t speak during the dance, taking many turns and spins amongst the people. His eyes kept locked with mine and although no words were exchanged, I felt like it was enough. I had not felt this way since I last danced with him during the Winter Solstice.

I realized that no one else danced. Was it a kingdom tradition to have the king initiated the dance?

When the dancing slowed, Taehyung’s eyes left my gaze and to something behind me. I could see the shift in his eyes.

“Mind if I steal your partner?” It was Jimin.

“Not at all,” Taehyung replied, calm in his features. He released my hand and allowed Jimin to intercept.

Another dance began, slower, thankfully. My eyes followed Taehyung as he spoke with other members in his court, a champagne glass in his hand. Why did he have to leave me to make a fool of myself dancing with another king?

“Pardon me, my dancing is not the best,” Jimin spoke, drawing my attention back to him.

I returned an embarrassed smile. “I am not as well, Your Majesty.” He chuckled slightly. Silence for a second and I cleared my throat. “Are you enjoying your time at our kingdom?” It was funny how I spoke as if I was the real queen of this kingdom making sure her guests are accommodated properly.

“Of course,” he replied with a gentle smile. “It never fails me how beautiful the nights are here with the clear skies and only stars to shine. It isn’t the same in my kingdom, although we have much lovelier springs and summers opposed to here.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond and only gave a smile in return. “I don’t doubt it.”

Our dance came to an end and a song with notes that truly represented Erebus began. It wasn’t light and flowing, rather something with a more sinful melody similar to the music played at the betrothal announcement. I didn’t really want to continue to listen to it and didn’t know why the guests of another kingdom enjoyed it either. Maybe we all had some cruelness inside of us that we didn’t outright express.

Many of the kingdom’s subjects began their partying and I wandered to a more secluded hallway from the ballroom.

As I walked further, I found myself outside, enjoying the snow and bitter cold, rather than the ball inside. I was in the royal garden that was below my window where roses seemed to still bloom despite the winter, perhaps with the help of the magic from which it grew.

Every single rose was red and there were rows and rows of them.

“Your highness, why are you out here instead of inside enjoying the ball?” A voice surprised me and I turned to see Jimin. He unbuttoned his jacket and placed it onto my shoulders.

“Oh no, you don’t have to,” a small frown came onto my lips, though I couldn’t help but feel grateful.

“It’s much too cold for a future queen of a kingdom to freeze, especially with snow falling,” he smiled. He had very good kind smiles that made anyone believe his words for what they are.

“Thank you.” My hands raised to the lapels of the jacket to pull it tighter around my shoulders.

It felt wrong to be having a private conversation with him after Taehyung warned me to stay by his side and not trust Jimin. I caught myself and realized he was the one who left me to stray. This conversation was not my fault.

“In return, let me know why you ran away from the ball?” His eyes inquisitive, genuinely curious.

“To be honest, I don’t like the music they play during these events or any events,” I admitted truthfully and we began walking along the rows of roses. My eyes kept their stare at the lines of roses as my fingers grazed then drawing on the light coating of snow that soon melted on my fingertips.

“You should visit Hemera sometime then. You might prefer our balls instead. Our music choice is quite the opposite,” he chuckled thinking of the music choice of this kingdom. “It’s much warmer there as well,” he gestured to the snow falling.

“Perhaps,” I gave a small smile, not really considering the idea. An answer that didn’t really give an answer was better than a flat out ‘no’.

“I’m being serious. You might like the change in scenery.”

“I would have to talk to His Majesty about considering the idea,” I replied.

“Pardon my asking, but do you always listen to him? Ask him for his word and permission?” His tone was curious and cautious as if stepping on thin ice with such a question. He didn’t want to really question a future queen and her place within the court, but at the same time, the curiosity was there.

“He is my king and my husband to wed soon. I should be a dutiful queen and wife and listen to him.” It felt like bile in my mouth. The words I had to form for such a lie. I wanted to throw up because I was somewhat defending Taehyung in this situation. Mostly, I sounded like the prim and proper wife who listened to everything her husband had told her to do.

“He listens to me,” before when he wasn’t a king to me and gave me my freedom from marriage. “And it’s important to compromise for this to work.”

“I agree with that,” he nodded along, “A king and queen must work together for the better of a kingdom,” he nodded.

“My love, why are you out in the cold?” Taehyung interrupted the conversation. He had found us.

We weren’t doing anything that would be considered shameful, yet, being caught by my supposed fiance and king made just being alone with a foreign king feel like a sin like it was wrong. The way he spoke didn’t sound any better. “Brother, have you left the ball I threw in your honor?” There was a bite in his question, testing Jimin as if to ask truly, why he was out here talking to me privately.

“Of course, pardon my rudeness. I will be heading back there,” Jimin backed down. He surrendered like a subject to his king rather than being the king himself.

I began to question the dynamic between the two brothers. Jimin left my side and began his trip towards the palace.

Taehyung turned his head, waiting until Jimin disappeared behind the french doors and out of earshot.

“I have told you to stay by my side while he is visiting. Most importantly, have you forgotten that my brother is not a person to trust? I only mean well for you when I tell you such things.”

There it was. His constant scolding of me as if I was some lost child with absolutely nothing to fend myself with. Yet, I still gave in. I backed down like Jimin although the anger was beginning to simmer within me. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to get some fresh air from the ball.”

Taehyung’s eyes softened slightly. “Stay by my side. And where did you get this?” His hand went to the jacket on your shoulder.

“His Majesty gave it to me because of the cold.”

“Just call him Jimin if you are speaking to me about him.” He was annoyed. He was annoyed that I used Jimin’s title? “Return it back to him. If you wanted a jacket because of the cold, you could have asked Anna or anyone else in the palace. Do not go around as the future queen wearing another king’s clothing.”

The anger I tried to keep in check slipped out a bit. “What? Does it hurt your reputation for me to do so? Or are you just jealous that I am wearing another man’s clothing instead of yours?” The last question was a stretch but I was kind of angry so in return, I wanted to bring it out in him. If he was really jealous, I had absolutely no idea.

He was thrown off by that question. “You can do as you wish with other men. Have them in your grace, have them entertain your bed, but as I stated, it is wise that if you choose another lover, my brother is the last person you want to trust and do not parade around in his clothing like it is a trophy. It revolts me and it will lessen the protection I can give you.”

“Go back to your chambers if you wish to not continue the ball,” he dismissed me. He dismissed me like a dog that he didn’t wish to play with at the moment. He snatched the jacket from me and left me in the hallway as he returned the jacket to Jimin.

—

I hated it. I hated how he could command me like I was any subject of his and always wave his protection like a piece of paper above my head like it was the most valuable thing to me. He used it as a threat to everything I did. He used it to force me into a fake marriage that I was not even sure if it was fake anymore.

I hated that I placed so much trust into coming here to find his help only to find myself stuck and without the help I wanted.

I wanted to hate him, but I just couldn’t find it in me to do so.

Instead, I found a way to ask servants where Jimin’s quarters were and found my knuckles rapping on his wooden door. Servants that passed by bowed quickly and as they walked further, I knew they were talking about how their future queen, betrothed to their king, was standing before another king’s door.

The door was opened by none other than Jimin himself. What did I expect? It was his chambers after all.

His hair was groomed and he was dressed. Was there an event today and I was not told of it?

“Your highness, what brings you all the way to the other side of the palace?” He opened the door wider to invite me in. “Please, come in. We can discuss in a more comfortable area than between the threshold of a room and hallway.”

Jimin gestured to the small living area with two sofas and a coffee table. “Take a seat if you’d like. This isn’t my palace nor my kingdom, but I’m sure I could get you tea if you’d like?” He suggested.

I shook my head to the offer but took a seat on one of the sofas.

“What brings you here?” He took a seat at the other sofa, an angle from the one I sat in and clasped his hands together.

“Remember the other night when you offered for me to visit your kingdom? Is it still a possibility?” I was hoping that there was a possibility I would be able to trust Jimin and that Taehyung was wrong. Perhaps if I went to his kingdom and spent time learning his personality, I would be able to tell him of my situation and ask for his help. I hated that my plans always had an unknown next part, but that’s cards I’ve been dealt with.

He seemed like a better choice than the rejection Taehyung had given me already.

I didn’t want to tell him of my situation just yet, perhaps I will. Besides that, I just wanted to leave this cruel kingdom and most importantly, I wanted to leave this kingdom’s cruel king.

Perhaps, I will end up staying rather than visiting and I will have to come up with an excuse then. I will when the time comes, now is just not the time.

“Of course,” Jimin was surprised, but still agreed. “This is given that you have spoken to His Majesty about it?”

I nodded, but couldn’t say yes. I didn’t want such a small lie to ruin my chance.

“Does His Majesty also wish to visit? It is only right for me to repay his favor for hosting me and my court.”

I found my voice and hoped my words would come out genuine. “He does not wish to come. He is busy with duties here.”

“Very well then,” he nodded. “When do you wish to visit? If you don’t have a date in mind, you can send me a message when you have one.”

“If it is possible to save trouble, I could travel with Your Majesty on your journey back,” I suggested. Please say yes, please say yes, or else I’m not sure when and how I will get to leave here.

“If it is suitable for you,” he replied.

“Yes, it would be great.” I sighed inside in relief. “Thank you.”

—

I got my escape through means of lies and some kind of deceit, but I was desperate enough to want to leave.

Taehyung was gone again and disappeared from his kingdom completely on some diplomatic duty as I was told. I was grateful that he came back right before Jimin was set to leave.

I was nervous. I was nervous to tell him I made my own decision against his to trust Jimin and stab him in the back by leaving to go to his kingdom.

I probably stood outside of his cabinet room for quite some time before Taehyung discovered me himself. He had opened the door with me standing before it, surprise in his features before he settled them coolly.

“y/n? Why are you outside of my cabinet room?”

I walked past him signaling the conversation was to be in private. He shut the door behind him.

“I’m going to leave with Jimin tomorrow,” I mentioned quietly. “To Hemera.” I didn’t fail to see the slight feather in the muscle of his jaw.

There was a moment of silence, a long one and Taehyung looked as if he was thinking. I thought he was considering saying no which might either be a relief to me or would just anger me more.

“If that is what you wish to do,” he replied bluntly. “Then do as you wish.”

“You’re not going to ask me why?” I think I wanted him to care when I asked that. Instead of turning and leaving after announcing my decision, I wanted to interrogate him just a bit longer and push this in his face; to make him feel uncomfortable with it and show some kind of reaction.

Even though I had made my decision already and wasn’t going to budge, I think a small part of me wanted to see him react at least once. To prove that he cared about what I did and cared what would happen to me.

“If you so desire, then,” his eyes rolled ever so slightly; I didn’t miss that either. “Why are you choosing to go to Hemera?”

This was it; this was my chance to shove everything I had felt down his throat, to tell him he didn’t care about what had happened whatsoever. To tell him that he wasn’t going to help me and he made that straight to me since day one and that he was only keeping me hostage without any intent to find my family.

“All you had done was parade me around like a trophy to plan the wedding. Instead of sending me away when you couldn’t offer help, you kept me here as your bride.” This was it; my victorious statement and it sounded like utter foolishness the moment my argument was stated.

“Don’t you think that as the king of a kingdom, I have the leisure time to spend scouring to the corners of this globe to find your people? A task that required me to look for mere humans of a defenseless village?” His words were sharp like each one was a knife sent plunging into my flesh. He scoffed at the end of it.

I would lie if his harsh rhetorical questions did not split my heart into two pieces; no, it was shattered. The moment those words left his lips, I felt my eyes begin to water, smudging the image I saw of him. My hands at my side began to curl, nails digging into my palm.

I might have been hurt previously by his lack of response and empathy towards my situation, but he had never outright declared my people, my family to be a bunch of nothingness. This was worse than his rejection. This was proof he was just another person from the kingdom who saw my village as nothing but an annoying insect that shared the land.

Sure, he was not our king or leader and we were not his responsibility, but it would have been better if those words remained in his thoughts or if he had put them less harshly. But he was right, he was not obligated to act upon this matter. I just wished he didn’t degrade me and my people in the process.

I was absolutely defeated with no choice but to nod my head, no rebuttal. “You’re absolutely right. You have no responsibility to my people. That is why I am choosing to find my own solution and help since you are not obligated to do so, it is your right.”

I didn’t like the way the words left my throat, but it was spoken in defeat.

Without giving him a second to reply, I turned my back towards him and raised a hand to wipe away the tears threatening to fall. I didn’t want them to fall at all.

I shifted my head to the side. “I appreciate all that you’ve done for me for the past couple of weeks. Truly.”

Even though he did not help me, he gave me a warm bed to sleep in and meals every day when I had nowhere to go. For that, I was grateful and I should thank him for it. Perhaps, the real Taehyung stepped out to make that decision.

He did not reply and his eyes blank, not letting emotion slip through. Although most of me never wanted to see him again after those harsh words, I knew I was not ready to let go of the memories I knew of Kim Taehyung before he was a king to me. Unfortunately, that small part of me wished he jumped out from this king of Erebus role and reached for my hand, telling me to not leave for whatever reason.

But he did not and that allowed me to settle my mind on my departure. It was a fair ending to the conversation.

He was not there for my departure. I understood why, but I had wished he was to at least say goodbye.

a/n

things have gone opposite, she left the kingdom! do you think that jimin is trustworthy and it was more wise to stay with taehyung or was it the right choice? *puts on thinking face*

also i’m curious (if anyone sees this), what was your most favorite scene so far? 

yours truly, Selene ♡

Copyright © 2020 Seoulnotes

feedback <3

[boywivlove]

| Lutz | 01 

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency  for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift. 

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who. 

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing. 

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

[kewltie]

How do you come up with so many new ideas for stories? I feel like I’m constantly stumped and stuck with cliches (and while those are fun and I absolutely love them) I can never really think of something to make it my own? When I see your writing I feel like you’re able to take cliches and make it your own so much it no longer feels like one, I’m always so worried about making a story to similar to another when trying to put a spin on a classic trope, also! Hope youre doing okay during this time

hi anon!!!

such a good question to bring up! for me, personally, inspiration comes really easy bc im really easy. that sounds weird but i basically consume any form of media across various genres that would catch my interest. i read, watch, play (games mostly lol), etc and maintain a variety of interest in like all sort of things so i pull ideas from a lot of diff places. like, i REALLY REALLY love animals and nature documentaries so i like to incorporate that into my stories w/ in the form of post-apocalyptic mermaids au (what happen when majority of humans leave earth and those left behind returns to the oceans bc i watch a fake nature doc about mermaids which are apparently sea ape and how how all live originate in the sea) or plant au (where the earth is living entity and try to take back the planet w overgrown murderous plants and descend into a world of nature taking REVENGE etc). i also really REALLY like watching doc about history of conquered so that influence my writing a lot lol. so yea, i take inspo in all these media i consumed and turn it into something i want to read. so having all these various interests that are all over the place i dont have a problem jumping from one genre to the next and never really get bored! you can see me talking endlessly about the various media i have consumed (i.e shoujo/shounen/yaoi etc manga/webtoon, asian dramas, games, tv shows) and im always open to new ones too!! being open minded to try out things not in my comfort zone was such a huge help for me and now im like ok that sounds cool i’ll try it lol. 

also, i really what i call genre mashing like combining two things that dont usually go together automatically like ??? post apocalyptic mermaids??? the princess bride but steampunk?? OR beauty and the beast au in space?? LIKE all are ideas i have talk huge amount about bc i love putting familiar ideas and throwing it some weird wild settings and just HAVE FUN. if you have something you think been done a millions time before (which is not WRONG AT ALL) just think how you could do it different this time around or look at it in a diff perspective. like, i wrote a hundred arrange marriage royalty au AND I APOLOGETICALLY LOVES THEM and each time im like i already did desert setting so i’ll go for some winter setting this time around; or i’ll make them childhood friends last time, i’ll go for enemies; in other fic i explored theme of duty vs heart, now i want to explore war themes etc so like i dont intentionally try to make it diff but i just think how the story & chars may go if i take on a diff direction and sometimes that little change can have a rippling effect and turn into a whole diff story. so yea, dont be afraid to ask yourself WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF–? bc who knows where it take you! 

this also translate to when im reading fanfics of other ppl and I READ A LOT. LIKE A SHIT TON. if im not writing im usually reading something. when im reading other ppl’s fic i get to see their take on certain tropes or how they address certain that i may really like a lot and i want to tackle it on my own but that also lead to if i run into a branch in the story where the author does it certain way but i think myself hmm…. what if this happen the other way and THAT GIVES ME IDEA. like, dont let hold yourself back from reading other fanfics bc you’re afraid you get similar ideas when the whole of fandom is about inspiring each other. inspiration =/= carbon copy. i openly talked about my ideas all the time and not possessive about it bc sometimes ppl would ask me if they can write something base of it and i 99%  say yea go ahead bc the way they write it would be diff from how i write it even though it’s the same concept, how i write the chars & the themes may be diff from how they view it. you can HAVE THE SAME IDEA BUT DIFF EXECUTION. that’s the most important part!!! it is not plagiarizing bc seeding an idea is like part of fandom and it becomes trend a lot the way ABO gets around the fandom like wildfire lmao. 

last but not least, be THE FIC YOU WANT TO READ. this is why you usually see me starting a conversation w a i really, really LOVE/LIKE etc and ramble away about an idea and how it’ll go. a lot of my stories are a reflection of my interests like how im always talking endlessly about kingdoms, war, and rulers and conquerors bc im just really fascinated by it lmao /o. and there’s also all those single parents fic i wrote bc i deeply empathized with it due my childhood being raised by a single mother. and there are times when things that matter to me i put in my stories, like im hitting my 30s soon and im still single. i think i dont mind being like that but i want to have children so how would that work out?? things that plague me in real life i address in fics in term of surrogacy & sperm donation bc it’s something i consider about wanting a family when you’re single and dont have a partner. every fic or idea i have ever written or talk about you can see my fingerprints all over it bc they’re things i deeply, truly care and am interest about that i want IT TO EXIST IN THE WORLD so i write it out. i algo get really annoyed when im there’s a trend in fandom to take a trope in certain direction and i just dont like it lmao (i.e. villain!deku im more focus on izuku getting his redemption and how & yandere au  WHEN THEY ARE EQUALLY CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER) so i put my frustration and complaint into a fic. you can see this clearly in a lot of my ABO fics where i tend to put omegas often on top bc that’s just my particular taste. i dont try to buckle trend just to be contrary but i do it when my taste doesn’t match theirs and ya know be the fic you see in the world basically lol. just bc something is popular by the mass doesn’t mean you have to follow it even IF YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO LIKE IT, let assure you’re wrong. there will always be someone who taste clicks with yours OR you can persuade them just by writing a kickass fic and just stand by what they wrote. sometimes, i find myself falling in love with a story i would never consider reading at all bc i dont like the trope or themes just bc the writing is v v v good or the writer CLEARLY LOVE WHAT THEY WROTE THAT THEY PUT THEIR HEART AND SOUL INTO IT and i can see it in their writing and im swayed. so yea, don’t think of putting a new spin on old cliche but try to think of as making it your own by doing it how you WOULD GO AT IT. how would you write the million abo fic? what do you like to see? HISTORICAL, SCIFI, FANTASY? how would you categorized ABO?? go for classic alphas rules society and omegas are lower class? or do the total opposite?? like DON’T FORCE yourself to be diff, just let it come to you and im sure you’ll be able to make it your own bc look there’s like a million fics on ao3 AND EVEN MORE THAN MILLION original novels in real life. you’re not going to invent anything new that had never seen before so dont try be diff but be yourself and soon you’ve have something that is solely your owns and nobody else and that’s the best advice i can give. 

a;sjdf;as sorry this is such a incoherent mess but i LOVE, LOVE cliches just as much as i like trope breaking them and it doesnt matter where you fall on the line as long as you can enjoy what you create that’s all that matter! i hope whatever i said help you out a little and lighten your worry just a bit. and thanks for the question bc it really is intrestingl !!!!! and i hope you’re staying safe and please take care bc im doing ok for now lol!!

[phoenixfangs]

i got rlly butthurt abt that starlight comment so i went to that persons blog and the posts they reblogged abt mlp r full of cold takes so i went on an incoherent rant detailing y those ideas r wrong. rant under the cut, its v long and probably hard to read bc of my typing style// maybe ill come back and properly format it later

cold take 1: starlight couldve been a better character

no she couldnt unless we downplay her crimes or change her entire design. i dont care what her reason 4 forming a cult was, whether it be the stupid canon reason that her friend hit puberty and moved, or the stupid fanon idea that she never got a cutie mark and is resentful (i rlly hate this idea) LITERALLy if u want her to be a better character then dont redeem her. dont try to write a season-long arc of her trying to earn forgiveness from the village ponies bc her actions r beyond forgiveness. lets call a spade a spade: shes a monster who mutilated their bodies, minds, and hearts 4 her own stupid philosophy that she doesnt even believe in, and we dont even KNOW how long she was doing that or when the village was established. those ponies could have been in that cult 4 YEARS as far as we know--night glider herself admitted that the village was her home and that she couldnt/didnt want to move when given the chance, bc where else could she go? where else could any of them have gone? they explicitly say starlight targeted them bc they were vulnerable, or smthn to that effect. would YOU have a story abt a crazy abuser going back to their victims after who even knows how long of abusing them, and writing it so even one of them 4gives the abuser? would u write a story where the victims of jonestown 4gave jim jones? u wouldnt bc i expect u have at least 2 brain cells, and if u wouldnt, then i would hope u wouldnt like the idea of redeeming starlight at all, too. at this point in the series life, where weve seen all the redemptions and whos gotten them, i dont care abt the nuances of 4giveness, bc the writers and fans clearly dont when they have poor ideas and lack the skills to properly execute them. abusers and bullies dont deserve 4giveness, tyrants and fascists dont deserve 4giveness, terrorists dont deserve 4giveness, and the fact that diamond tiara, stygian, starlight glimmer, and tempest shadow ALL were anywhere between bullies or literal fucking terrorists, and they ALL got to be 4given and redeemed, while characters who have done way less heinous things (trixie and the flim flam brothers) r still treated with suspicion and distance by the main characters, is fucking disgusting to me. the only one ill give leeway to is diamond tiara bc even tho she was horrible to the cmc, she is just a kid and its possible to step back from bullying when ur that young. it rlly rlly isnt easy or possible to step back from mindfucking and mutilating an entire village of ponies bc ur bitter and entitled

cold take 2: cutie marks make no sense

less of a cold take and more of a gripe i have, bc they make perfectly fine sense to me. a cutie mark doesnt determine shit, its literally just a physical manifestation of what ur good at. rarity is good at finding gems, but her job isnt geology, its tailoring. rainbow dash is good at racing and being fast, but her job isnt initially stunt flying/racing with the wonderbolts, its weather duty in ponyville. in the later seasons when they start talking abt cutie marks being ur Destiny is when i admittidly start to get a little annoyed bc i dont personally believe in destiny or teaching kids that there is a predetermined path, but even still, u dont randomly get a cutie mark that determines what ur destiny is, u get a cutie mark that REFLECTS what ur desitny is. so no, a pony wouldnt get a random cutie mark of a computer 20 years b4 computers become available at home, AND THEN they discover thats what theyre talent/destiny is. cutie marks cant predict the future, theyre reactive to the individual. i dont understand how this is a confusing concept, even with the stupid destiny stuff thrown in

cold take 3: slice of life is the funniest episode of the series

no it fucking isnt JESUS the last roundup is the funniest episode, not bc of derpy, but bc of pinkie and raritys interactions. "rarity catch me" busts me up every fuckin time, as well as when pinkie and rarity r on the little handcar (hoofcar?) at the end and pinkie wont shut up and raritys like "when i get back, ur gonna GET IT rainbow dash". slice of life is a bunch of nothing and, wouldnt u know it, the best parts of the episode r the parts that include characters we actually KNOW (celestia and luna arguing over gifts, matildas anxieties, cadence consoling a crying shining armor at the wedding). even discounting the fact that the target demographic--kids, yknow, children and preteens--likely dont have forum accounts or the time/energy to scroll through those forums and wikis and blogs to understand all the inside jokes of the episode, its boring and kind of annoying if ur as disillusioned with the fandom as many ppl r, including myself. also lyra and bonbon werent confirmed stop projecting and giving praise where none is due. coy looks and 'best friends' sentiments dont mean shit, say explicitly that theyre girlfriends or wives and then give me a call