#i dont want my LOCATION ON FOR A REASON
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didn't even let me close out.
I'm fed up with "maybe later".
#i dont want my LOCATION ON FOR A REASON#this is horrific#psa#important#conspiracy theory: they don't want people to look at how to better their credit score or be better with money without knowing their address#so they can collect data on who's trying to make it to the top and beat the game
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Happy Anniversary In Stars and Time!! Have some Friend Quest based drawings :D
(These have specific quote picks related to them! And there's also a long ramble on why I like those specific quotes below if interested)
(And by long, I mean roughly 2k+ words of proper ramble total, so be warned before clicking keep reading this link right here to the rb!!)
#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#<- edited now this is just act 3 spoilers for the art LMAO#isat mirabelle#isat isabeau#isat odile#isat bonnie#isat siffrin#<- i promise this is the last time in a long long time i tag someone who only shows up with their back turned#but in my defense they also are here four times so i think the tag is justified SADASFA#time for a messier secondary post underneath the first WAHOOOO#to start!! random art tidbits!! no one is looking at siffrin in these!!#mira and isa are looking away while odile and bonnie have their eyes closed#in my minds eye these are the A4 versions of the FQ so siffrin internally is Not Having A Good Time#i just thought itd be fun to incorporate somehow as an extra easter egg detail kinda!#also i tried to make the bgs mildly accurate to location in game and its the reason why isa got to have one (1) singular tree in the bg#laaast art tidbit is that i took a bit of a creative liberty with bonnies#well i did with all of them but still#since its not explicitly stated sif god up immediately after tripping they get to stay on the floor in the drawing#i just thought itd be fun for the drawing!!#moving onto general tidbits in addition to the time fun fact i also decided the posting time#specifically so itd be in the middle of me having back to back to back meetings so can't second guess myself in posting this HAHA#every time i post any form of text based ramble on characters or even headcanons i Fear#and YEAH i am probably just being overly nitpicky towards myself on analysis that can prob be read several diff ways cuz interpretation#but i really really really dont want to fumble so badly to the point of mischaracterizing anyone since i like them a lot!!#still working on getting over that but hey at least i am trying and thats all i can ask of myself i think!#okay now time to Lie Down im writing these tags after stream#tag talk over into q u go :]#partial pin
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blood test tomorrow and i dont think theyll let someone in with me so nobody's going to hold me down, making me feel Calm and also preventing me from escaping. smile.
#talkys#IM SCAREEDDDD#ive gotten a bit used to needles after all the covid shots but idk.#the Blood Draw Location is an entirely different beast#ykwim. vaccine injections are ok bc its the shoulder its so Secure#middle of arm feels so flimsy and frail. scared#qnd its not even ever all that bad (at least vaccines bc ive only gotten blood drawn once)#but i get sooooo anxious and then the waiting and the pulling out feels so horrendous too.#like the last covid vaccine i got wasnt bad at all! but i feel it lingered too long and i wanted to jump out of my skin.#rambling now but i annoy medical professionals bc for some reason whenever Anything happens to me#(not just injections bc its happened at the ENT too) my legs always want to fly straight up into the air#(or just Straight if im sitting)#its the equivalent of tensing another part of the body to stay calm for me idk why....weird security...#but i always get yelled at LOL like sorry i dont even do it consciously....im Scared....
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Specifically your favorite, not the one you think is objectively the best (though I can assume those would overlap). Feel free to explain your choice in tags.
#elden ring#my post#base game only bc 1 everyone who’s played elden ring knows these and 2 i dont have dlc so i only know these#theyre kinda the same reason. anyways.#no view results. pick one. or just pick the one you like the looks of if youre not an elden ring player but want to see results#personally idk what id pick? theyre all really cool from what i remember (havent been to stormveil in ages tho)#pleaseeee talk about why you picked the one you did i think this games locations are incredible n i want to see ppl talk abt what they like#counting volcano manor as part of prison town personally bc. theyre intrinsically linked and volcano manor has some exploratory bits#fuck i just realized why its called lucaria. anyways#idc what the reasoning is difficulty enemy selection atmosphere end boss story soundtrack fuckin. color palette#i know abt the haligtree typo. you cannot edit polls once youve posted them. its fitting tho that place is hell
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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tanaaj is such a tragic character "i do everything right nobody has ever been as good or correct about the rule of saint leah as i am. unrelated but why do i feel so bad and guilty and lonely all the time?" well for starters you live in fully automated luxury catholicism so that's gonna contribute to the issue for sure
#'ive never hoarded anything in my life not even my child!'#tragically you were not taught that love is not a finite resource that has to be equally distributed to everyone in the world#in case it runs out#this is a FASCINATING book. and i'm also reading cultish the language of fanaticism at the same time#so it's like. wow none of you people are escaping the systematic self-destruction in pursuit of the nebulous holy! good luck !!#infact. i think i kind of hate this book. in a way where having seen much of religious fanaticism#i get viscerally uncomfortable reading leah and tanaaj. like i CANNOT talk to them and take apart their reasoning. on account of#they're in the book and i'm just reading it. but i want to SO badly#the actual star#i dont hate it . it's really good. it's just an extremely demanding read for me i guess#what if the utopian communist future still had sin and fundamentalism. and Cancel Culture enshrined into the mutual aid network#i just read the bit where tanaaj has to sit vigil with this dying sedente woman. and she is SO MAD. at this elderly lady for...#staying in one house all her life and loving a partner enough to forgo social convention to live with them? raise a child together?#and tanaaj is like. she was HOARDING. this small location. and those two people. thank GOD her child saw the light and left home at 16#meanwhile there's nothing to imply the old lady wouldn't have happily shared her area with any travelers coming through#tanaaj is just fundie. and reading her perspective makes me soooooo insane#she also manages to be transphobic in a genderless nonbinary bodymod future. where everybody has a dick and a vag.#she gets mad about people who only want one set of genitals or want to reorganize their sex characteristics. in Unorthodox Ways#meanwhile halfway across the world but getting closer niloux is like. my girlfriend is a transwoman on purpose in genderless bodymod world#and she is also your ex girlfriend. probably on account of your insanity. i can see where i walked in past lives and it's real
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the universe is kind of crazy bc i moved to a random town to do this course + figured out (roughly) what i want to do as a career through taking a random module. and now i'm realising that this town is pretty good for that career choice and i might end up getting a real job here.
#um.txt#maybe that's why they offer this module here lol#not sure if i want to stay in this town when im done w the course but its also close-ish to my hometown#so if i start applying to jobs while writing my diss this summer and i get one ill still be able to commute if i move home#while finding a more permanent place to stay / saving for an apartment#i knew this town was pretty big for business stuff bc my dad used to work here when i was a kid#but now im getting adverts for it while looking at stuff unrelated to my location but related to the career#trying to be vague bc if i DO work with this im going to try and keep this blog disconnected lol. i dont want to be a beachdeath#* and * both hire here. both equally funny but for different reasons.#working for either of them... the stars could align for me to do a roberto aguirre-sacasa.
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okay google how do i move out of eastern europe but stay in the eu but go somewhere i speak the language but somewhere that has healthcare and somewhere where i dont need to become a construction worker and also somewhere that is not germany. thanks
#i wanna go to aotearoa I've always wanted to but it's so FAR AWAY. also i need somewhere cold also i#love authentic gothic buildings too much to leave europe. but omfggggg#like it's truly so. i dont want to move somewhere where english isnt a main language but the#uk is out and ireland is unlikely and canada is just somewhat nicer french usa and nz is 4 days travel away. blows up#whatever i have 4 semesters of uni left to think about it. it just feels like im#hurtling full speed at the inevitability of living the rest of my life in Germany#i dont want to live in germany idek why but im sooo. like omg nooo 😭😭😭#partly because it's such a cliché but also coz it's such a vacation country for me like we#went there for vacation like. unironically at least 3 times every single year#insert joke abt *getting back at the 10000000000 german tourists that come to hungary every day* that I'm too sleepy to make#it's so . like i used to have a specific goal in mind (uk ☹���) but then SOMEONE had to go and leave the eu#and also the uk sucks fat shit like csöbörből vödörbe omg. but now i have no#real goal so im just drifting w the vague knowledge that any second now I'll have to pack all my#shit up and escape before it's too late. but where 😀😀😀#i have no qualms abt leaving my f*mily behind but I'll miss budapest#and if i left Europe I'd miss it too especially coz even canada feels really far let alone nz which yknow. 3-4 days of travel#it's the lack of goals that's killing me like OMFGG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK HARD AND#STRIVE FOR SMTG WHEN I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND...#i mean ''get the fuck out'' is something but it's not Enough. i need to be insane about a#place that's accessible. all the cities/locations im crazy about are inaccessible for one reason or another#bristol and wales are in the uk. nz is on the exact opposite side of the planet. life so sad.#canada is the most likely one honestly but like omgggg. godddddjfdnffnfjfmmf#they should invent a budapest that's not in hungary. they should invent a hungary that isn't comically awful#barking#ok to rb#eastern europe#like im fluent in 3 languages and i can get by in like 10 other ones i Could brush up on any language relatively quickly if it came to that#but it's like. 1. I'd have to pick a location 2. learning a new language also means#getting an entire new personality as well which yknow. idk if i have the capacity for another one rn#i should just become fluent in the ones im somewhat good at but idk which to pick
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i have job interview tomorrow yippeeee. my ma keeps telling me off for always complaining that i cant apply to [any given job in this one region] because its too far away and im literally right because the bike infrastructure is nonexistent and particularly dangerous and the bus runs like twice an hour AND i also have to get to there from school. but this job i applied to? yeah its gonna take me like 1.5h to get to 😭😭 but its a city job so im hoping i can just transfer to another place idk lol. anyways wish me luck that i either get this job or they like me enough to hire me at a different location or something idk
#just realized my last job interview was june 2023. gets scared#anyways this job would be so fucking good if it wasnt so far away its literally built for me#its not even like in the suburbs or anything like the [redacted region jobs i dont want to apply to] are#it could not be closer to downtown#theres just. Reasons that i cannot specify without doxxing that it takes so long#but anyways hope im sort of successful in some area of this interview#i only applied to this because i didnt think i would get it 😭 but its the only job thats reached out to me in the past six months#i applied for a nearly identical position in a better location too and they never sent me anything waghhh i should mention that to them lol
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omg I know I haven’t updated here and I’m sorry but everything’s been so wild and busy BUT: the dinner with assumpta was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened in my entire life (we stayed until 4:30 AM!!! 8.5 hours hanging out with her and her husband!!), we met up with luca and walked the walls of Badajoz, saw the breach in the wall, retraced sharpe’s steps and found the main cathedral, and walked the approximate area of where Teresa’s aunt and uncle lived. We also visited a Sharpe filming location and took 9458345 photos and not only that, but the woman helping run the monastery helped us find a second Sharpe location that the actors couldn’t remember where it was filmed. Thank you Filipa, we owe you our lives!!!
#;ooc#(sadly we aren't going to the second location this time around but maybe next time!)#(the dinner..........still reeling from it)#(sharpe GOLDMINE)#(literally holding the holy grail in my hands and GOD!!!!!! the kindness of those two i wanted to cry)#(i wont go into detail for privacy reasons but omg i wish i could i wanted to explode)#(everything's been so fun so far#(portugal is sooooo so beautiful and the people are so friendly)#(i dont wanna leave!!!!)
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BTW heres that old pokemon au stuff i found from a while back!!! now i think bulbasaur/venasaur probably fits liam more but i still liked these ideas :D
#hfjone#my art#especially fond of abomasnow for airy and mudbray for taylor :D#i dont know how well all of these fit BUT i remmebr putting sooo much thought into them a while back so i think there were Reasons for them#like i think airy being an abomasnow was a bit influenced by weakness to rock LMAO#and also bc they live in mountains. i wanted to emphasize that hes some guy in a location he is NOT meant to be in#(also i like humanizations of him that emphasize that he is a Trucker . and abomasnow fits that a lot)#also arcanine bryce i think was supposed to be 1. very Guy pokemon and 2. weakness to water#OH and i wanted amelia corsola to have elements of both forms.... :(#LIKE I SAID idk how much i think these fit and some have been CHANGED now but i liked some of these still!!!!
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#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao#a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head#sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so#i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet#at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me#location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take#measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring#at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which#was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im#just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for#and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do#something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move#like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which#would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data#processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for#vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to#without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding?#idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and#that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it?#anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so#when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok#but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we#just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece#pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked#hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done#unrelated
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should i go for a year abroad programme??
#honestly it does sound fun. didnt think that i had the option but apparently i can still switch#it would either be in the us or france for me..#and i would like an excuse to improve my french#the more i think about it the more i want to go to imperial 😭#like. i dont really gaf about the 'prestige' of going to oxford#and imperial has beaten it in rankings...#the only reason i would choose the oxford course over the imperial is that i think the fieldwork locations are better#kind of hoping they just reject me so i dont have to make the decision bc i would always think about it
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abt to say smthng deranged
but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.
But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.
I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know
#i feel this doesnt make sense but idk#its like how i would not have gotten a car at all if it wasnt for Someone i wanted to be able to drive around#if they visited#its the same here. i feel so incomplete without transition and my life cant begin without it#if anyone took interest in me now it would feel hollow until i was actually myself#but nobody is taking interest Now#and if i moved out solely to transition its not like changing locations would suddenly change anything.#so why bother. why do it. its going to be the same anyway#why make my life harder for no reason#why decorate a place you'll always have to leave why deep clean a home nobody will ever visit but You.#theres no point if its just You.#thsi also extends to a lot of things like how i want to paint but cant unless its for someone else#ill draw a billion characters Standing There for a friend before i do 1 for myself bc i dont see the point or Worth#delete later#it was a horrendous experience overall but id never been more motivated to do something than when i had a ''partner''...#nothing made me more willing to turn my entire life around. ill go back to school and study some miserable shit that#will make me rich so I can spend it on You and make You happy. i would not do this for myself.#im not doing anything for myself right now. no use in doing anything for that guy he doesnt deserve it
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I need so much help I’m so stressed I’m fucking drowning oh god oh god oh god
#i like i fucking got a bad job i didnt really feel much about and then doing it i was so so panicked like the dangerous kind#the kind where i felt so helpless my mind was racing and all I could think about was hurting myself and how horrible i was#so i didnt come back and its bad that i did this for two reasons the first being that i need money#im so horribly desperate to escape like if i dont get out ill die i cant survive much longer and 2 is#my parents found out about me getting this job i didnt want them to know because its not their business but they watch me#they see everything i do i couldnt just leave without them asking and i was forced to explain#and i quit instantly like i always do and i cant tell them that cuz theyll just abuse me worse and lecture me and yell and bitch#the best part is they decided tonight to fucking. decide im worthy of their respect now#cuz i performed the action they wanted and ofc theyre taking the credit like i knew they would and they gave me back my card#that i pay for prescriptions with cuz now im worthy of care except oh wait no im not cuz i quit my job instantly#like i cant lie about this forever where am i supposed to hide at when i pretend to be working plus they track my location#and i certainly cant tell them i quit either maybe i should just die like no one wants me anyways and im horrible#im so useless that iI cant even hold down a shitty part time job for a day without panicking#and i did this while being in no position to deny this job cuz i need money so bad i need escape so bad i need it#but clearly working for it is something im too bitchy to do and no one cares at all that im in pain so why bother#i dont want this anymore i just wanna stop i want them gone why cant they just be gone
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Absolutely. Sure, you are capable of making choices for yourself; that includes choices that place you in danger, such as sharing identifying information online. You CANNOT make those choices for other people. Even if you don't understand the danger. "We live in a safe area, nobody follows me, no one's going to see it" you do not know their situation. Someone COULD see it. And if that person is say, hiding from an abuser or a stalker, that can turn ugly very fast. And frankly, even if they aren't, that doesn't mean it's okay. Maybe they just like their privacy! You are still placing them in danger. Only they make the decision if they want to take those risks. It might be fine for you; for whatever reason, you think you don't have anything to fear. You cannot say the same for the other person.
One thing I despise about kids being uneducated about internet safety is the amount of times I’ve had to delete not just their identifying details from my page (don’t fucking tell me where you go to school), but also mine.
If you saw me at work or out and about, no you fucking didn’t.
Shut the fuck up, I’ve had death threats.
#there is a reason that I don't share my location or face on here#the MOST I am willing to share is my first name#and that's because it isn't my legal one so it's worthless if you're trying to find me#i do not post identifying info for a variety of reasons. employers or family or i post political things and i dont want anyone pissed over#that to be able to find me irl#but also because i just like my fuckin' privacy#and i like having a space where i can talk about whatever i want without worrying how it is going to affect me irl
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