#i dont understand musk and I also very much hate him

[chalkblhue]

Not to vent post or anything, but being deprived of BOTH twitter and ao3 is making me slowly lose my fucking mind

[roughentumble]

eddie gathers up his own meager possessions that had ended up strewn across their place while he was staying over. venom is humming a happy tune, looped around eddie's neck like a scarf, and he listens in amusement as logan pulls guns out of wade's overnight bag and tells him he 'doesnt need that many'.

its oddly domestic, all in all, and eddie finds that he likes it. it makes him happy. he doesnt /need/ anyone other than V, but he finds he /enjoys/ spending time with these people. he wants more happy moments, and V's on the same page.

it's a little darker at eddie and venom's place than he'd like, since he never got around to replacing the lamp. it's been cleaned up, but the stand still sits there in the corner, bereft of bulb and shade. he ducks his head shyly, and venom hugs him beneath his shirt, but logan and wade dont seem to notice it or deduce why it's broken. thankfully.

"so this is what a journalist's salary gets you, huh?" logan comments, and eddie lets out a short laugh.

"struggling journalist no one will hire, yeah. now that im persona non grata, i take odd jobs, write whatever bit pieces people will throw my way. far cry from having my own show." he sighs wistfully. it was a full time job, but it had been one he was passionate about.

"oh yeah, the eddie brock report, right?" wade cuts in. "i used to get clips recommended on youtube. guess going after our universe's elon musk didnt exactly bear fruit."

eddie doesnt recognize the name musk, but he winces all the same as he recalls his downfall. "...yeah. no, my boss wasnt a big fan of that line of inquisition during what was supposed to be a puff piece."

"sticking by your guns is admirable. refusing to twist the truth in front of a trusting audience. but its also a good way to invite the world to bite you in the ass." logan says gruffly. there's a sort of commisserating tone to it, and eddie gives him a nod.

"alright, enough about my depressing past. i need a beer." /eddie/ venom warns, and eddie waves him away. "i can have one beer, dont go all mother hen on me." he glances at the two askance. "he hates when i drink too much. doesnt understand why i 'want to kill all my important brain cells'. as if he cant heal them right up if he wants to."

"i will not heal them on principal," venom says with a pout, hovering behind eddie's shoulder and eyeing the beer warily. "if you want them dead, then i will not fix you. unless you buy me some very nice chocolates, and say you are sorry."

eddie snorts and hip checks the fridge shut, holding out a bottle each for his guests and keeping one for himself. "yet you'll remove the mercury for me when i eat fish."

"that," venom says, "is different."

you know what we need? a fic where bruce banner tries to forcibly separate eddie and venom. after all, venom is attacking people, and he knows what it's like to be taken over by a beast that you cant control! and he cant be separated from the hulk, but he can save this human taken hostage by a space alien. clearly, he is helping.

only for eddie to wake up on a gurney after a soundwave attack and be forced to go on a super spy mission to retrieve his love, and shut down banner's sonic weapons

[horunicorn]

Oya Oya

Hewwo :3 I have written much smut but this is my first time making it public. Sorry it came out so long. Feel free to point out any mistakes.

Warnings: choking, dominance

The fusuma slammed shut behind you, rattling the shōji across the room, after he'd pushed you rather roughly into his room at the Shinsengumi dorm. You were honestly surprised the kumiko didn't fall apart.

"What the hell, Y/N?"

You curled your lip up at him defiantly. "What?"

"Don't 'what' me," he warned, pacing to and fro in front of the door, clearly agitated. Then again, the man did have a short fuse. "Who gave you permission to hang with the Yorozuya bastard? Is that what you do behind my back?"

His accusation flipped your entire mood over. You were cheeky before; now you were pissed. What right did he have to point fingers at you? After all, he was the one who pushed you to do it. For three weeks, you had been patient while he worked. Of course, since he lived where he worked, it seemed like he was never free, always balancing his vice commander duties in and out of the headquarters. He did ask for your permission before going on cases, to make sure that you were okay with him doing overtime on certain days. And you always assured him that you would wait for him, no matter how busy some days could get. You always told him that it was okay to put his job first when he needed to. But that didn't mean he could take advantage of your understanding, did it?

The guy was smarter than most; he picked up on hints and cues effortlessly, especially if they were from you. So why had he been so oblivious to your subtle advances these past weeks?

"Who are you to tell me who I can or cannot be friends with?" you snapped back, temper flaring.

"You know very well who I am and what I can and cannot do," he answered, a little condescendingly.

"Yeah, well, you should also know that Gin-san gives me way more attention than you do," you uttered rashly. It was how you felt on the inside. After so many days of neglect by Hijikata, Gintoki's friendly affection towards you had you hooked in like fish to bait. Every smile and head smack he gave you fed your growing hunger for a man you couldn't get to and yet you still went on with it. You hung around Gintoki, longing for Hijikata, for something physical, just to take away the ache of missing the vice commander.

"What did you say?" Hijikata's tight voice betrayed the anger that was sparking inside him. The thought of you just being in Gintoki's presence was enough to provoke him. Confirmation that you let him touch you - nevermind if it was just playful shoves or shoulder bumping - flooded his vision with red. "You let him touch you?"

You scoffed at his ridiculous jealousy. "I'm not a slut. All Gin-san did was listen to me when I was alone. He kept me company."

True, you worked eight hours a day but the tiredness didn't mean that you didn't want to talk late into the night.

"Company, huh?" Hijikata crossed the room to stand in front of you so fast that you had to double check the spot he was previously at, just to be sure. He was a head taller than you. Now that he was all riled up, his presence was intimidating, especially since you had to look up to meet his eyes. "It just had to be him?"

You knew better. If you let him go on, you would have angry make up sex in seconds. This was a matter that needed talking through, not blind fucking. You pushed him away harshly, much to his surprise.

"We're not in a movie, Hijikata." Ah, using his family name when you were alone was never a good sign. "You can't just fuck me and be done with it."

A thought crossed your mind. Maybe it wasn't that he was busy. Maybe it was you who had done things wrongly. If you hadn't dropped all those stupid hints and just came straight forward with your needs, you needn't have had to feel the pain of ignorance from him. Your low self-esteem came racing back to you.

It was my fault. I didn't talk to him.

"I'm sorry," you choked out, turning away from him. Your sudden change in demeanor startled him but it wasn't something he hadn't experienced before.

Just like that, his anger melted away. He stepped towards you, pulling your reluctant form into his arms.

"You shouldn't have to apologize for anything," Hijikata sighed, one hand carefully cupping the back of your head. When his temper wasn't in the way, he saw things much clearer. "It was wrong of me to accuse you like that, especially since I know how much I've been neglecting you. I just didn't like the fact that of all the people to go to attention for, it was him." Hijikata said him with visible distaste. You relaxed against him, calmer now that he was no longer angry, that he had assured you it was not your fault.

"But I like him," you protested.

"Could you not like anyone else?"

"You hate everyone else, except the gorilla and he's infatuated with Otae-chan."

"Are you saying you'd go to Kondo-san if you could?" Hijikata teased, instantly lightening the atmosphere.

With that you ducked out of his embrace. "Please. I don't do stalkers." Hijikata was quick to catch you again though, this time from behind. He placed a gentle kiss to the shell of your ear.

"If you hadn't gotten caught today," he began, "I would have shown my appreciation for your patience in a different way."

"You have something planned?" you asked excitedly, happy that he had been thinking of you too.

"I did," he confirmed in the past tense. "But I can't get Yorozuya's stupid smug face out of my mind."

You knew all too well why. You knew that hanging out with Gintoki came with a punishment if you were caught. Before you could respond, Hijikata had a hand locked around your neck, with pressure not enough to choke but just enough that made swallowing difficult.

"Sometimes I think you let yourself get caught on purpose," he went on in a low voice, free hand travelling down your left arm and tugging it behind your back. He had you in a hold you didn't have any intention of breaking out of. Indeed, just the feeling of his hand on your throat had you weak at the knees, ready to be ruined by him.

"T - Tōshi," you managed, voice strangled by the hand on your windpipe. "Hard to... breathe."

"But you like this, don't you?" He purred. "You want to be choked like the little slut you are."

Oh, there was no denying how much his words were turning you on. Getting choked with his hand was good. Getting choked on his cock was better and you were more than eager for it.

"Choke... me with... your...cock..." Earlier misgivings forgotten, you wanted nothing more than for him to use you. It was all you had wanted since using Gintoki as a filler. His attention.

"Mm, I don't think so, baby girl," he murmured, finally releasing you from his hold only to take your hand and drag you down onto his futon. "I want to give, not take. And I expect thanks."

Translation: I will fuck you senseless and you will be vocal about it.

"Dont you think you can punish me better if - " Your question was cut short by a gasping inhale. Hijikata had somehow managed to loosen the knots of the date-jime that held your nagajuban and kimono together amidst everything and was now shamelessly pushing his fingers between your damp labia, hand disappearing in the folds of the cloth. Immediately, your hips moved up, asking for more when he'd barely begun. He murmured an amused "oya oya" upon finding the absence of underwear on you.

"I think you've been wetter than this, haven't you?" Deviously, Hijikata poked two fingers into your hole without any warning. There hadn't been much foreplay but could you really complain when you were swallowing his fingers like the greedy whore you were? He pulled his fingers out along with your arousal and spread it over your clit, rubbing in tantalizing circles, like a taunt.

"You're going to tease me," you stated, breathless already.

"Just for now," he promised, the sensitive nub slipping between his pointer finger and middle finger. Your nerve endings fired, sending thick coils of pleasure up your body. Again, your hips moved up.

Hijikata chose that moment to take his hands off of you. He sat back on his heels, hands placed perfectly on his lap. Disheveled and disgruntled, you forced your pleasure-weak body into motion, sitting up with your kimono loose around you, one side sliding down to bare a shoulder.

This was no dream: your body had flaws everywhere. Beauty marks on your skin, scars from being clumsy, skin that wasn't silky smooth or creamy white. You felt very small when you walked past some women on the streets but Hijikata always made you feel perfect. He loved every one of your imperfections, which encouraged you at times like these.

"Frustrated?" he smirked and you wondered just what he was playing at. Unbothered, you knee-walked closer, until you were parked right in front of him. Your hands grasped at the lapels of his uniform jacket. The familiar musk of cigarette smoke wafted up your nostrils, further turning you on. His gaze was hot on you; you could feel it despite not looking at him. Deliberate in your movements, you pushed the jacket off then proceeded to unbutton his vest and undo the knot of the white scarf around his neck. You were busy working on his shirt when he caught your hand, bringing it up to his mouth.

The contact of the softness of his lips against your skin made your thoughts fuzzy. His stare lingered on you and your restraint broke. You crashed your lips into his, claiming your pleasure, trying to pacify your desire for him. He indulged you, using a hand to hold your head steady. You kissed and kissed until there was no more breath to breathe between the both of you.

Hijikata pulled back first, dragging a thumb across your lower lip. It was such an intimate move, hinting at the lust he had for you; that was all it took for you to go into full 'I need you now' mode. Impatient, you shoved him back and shimmied up his body, brazenly rocking your hips, smearing your arousal onto his white shirt. Obviously, he felt your dampness through the material and gripped your hips to stop you from moving. The sight of you grinding above him was too much for his already tortured mind. Everything had to go. Now.

Soon you were balancing above him, the tip of his hard cock pressing at your slick entrance. You braced your hands on his broad chest, breath controlled as you slowly sat down on him, the length of him sliding into you inch by inch until your ass touched his lap. The sensation of him in you never failed to make you moan. His girth, his length, everything was just enough to fill up your tight hole.

"My sweet girl," Hijikata murmured, eyes half lidded. "I'd nearly forgotten how good you feel around me." He held onto your hips. "Move for me."

At his demand, you lifted yourself off and back down again, whimpering at the discomfort. Yeah, he was definitely big. Without your weekly routine, your body needed time to get used to him again. It didn't take long, though. Hijikata's soft encouragement and touch had you thirsting for more in no time. You got used to the stretch, gaining momentum and confidence as you moved. No longer did it sting; there was nothing but pleasure with the way you had him sliding in and out of you. Every time you rose left his cock slicker than before, layer upon layer of your arousal coating him.

When your legs got tired, you resorted to bouncing, biting your lip when your ass slapped against his skin in the sexiest way. Hijikata was in awe beneath you. His blue eyes were dark, lips parted in heavy breaths. First his eyes fixed on the way he was entering you, on the way your sweet pussy just swallowed his cock. His rough hands roved up your stomach, fingers dancing over your jumping breasts. That was the second thing he stared at. The soft mounds of flesh on your chest that bounced along with you made his cock twitch. Then he looked at your face. At the way you bit your lip, the pleasure in your expression. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to dominate you.

The feeling swept over him. Having you on top was incredible, especially since he knew you could control the depth and angle of his entrance. But he needed to have you his way. He couldn't yet explain why.

You cried out in surprise when he sat up abruptly, forcing you to remain still on his lap. You pressed your chest to his, feeling him move along with you, in you. The movement brought on a whole new sensation that made you scratch his chest with a low moan.

"Can he do that?" Hijikata asked, voice thick with lust. And something else. He knew now why he needed dominance over you.

"Who - What?" You couldn't register his words and the meaning behind them at first, not until he flipped you both over in a practiced move and he rolled his hips into you, hitting every unclaimed spot within you. Your legs came around his hips.

"Can that silver haired idiot do this? Make you feel this good?" He pulled back slightly, only to plunge back into you with a jolt that pushed another moan from your mouth.

"N - No. Tōshi..."

Hijikata pulled at your hips, angling your lower body upwards and began thrusting into you, going deep and hard each time. He knew very well that at this angle, each slide of his cock was sure to brush your g-spot. And each time his pelvis met yours, the head of his throbbing cock would carass the tip of your cervix, making you buck your hips even further up.

Seeing you this way only fuelled his unneeded jealousy for a rival that was hardly a threat.

"I bet he can't," he agreed gruffly. "He doesn't know your body, does he? Doesn't know how my baby girl likes it. Tell me." Hijikata drove deep, pushing his own hips up. You choked on a moan, hands tight around his wrists. "Who's making you feel good?"

You were unable to answer, eyes in danger of closing, body on the brink of orgasm. As if fucking him wasn't hot enough. No, jealous Hijikata was even better. His need to hear your verbal confirmation of just how good he could drill you was heightening the entire experience.

Hijikata wrapped a big hand around your throat, forcing you to meet his steely gaze.

"Who?" he demanded.

A lone tear rolled down your cheek and you knew once you opened your mouth, you'd be begging. "Y - You, Tōshi. You're making me feel good. Fucking my pussy so good."

He smirked in satisfaction. There was no need to hold back now. With demonic speed, probably living up to his title, Hijikata slammed into you, hips snapping back and forth furiously. He hadn't even gotten to rub your clit yet and you came undone, pulsing around his cock, sinful moans falling from your mouth along with his name.

"One more time," he urged, tempted to stop and savour the way you were contracting around him. Snug in your warm wetness. He was close. Too close to stop. He spit on your clit and rubbed it in tight circles, coaxing yet another orgasm out of you. This was too much after the first and his name left you in screams, your body spasming, legs jerking. The sight of you being ruined by him did it. A few more thrusts and he fell on top of you, hugging your trembling body close as waves of pleasure crashed over him. He bit your shoulder, hard, enjoying the feeling of his seed leaving him and filling you. The others might not be at the sleeping quarters but you doubted that your screams hadn't reached the main block.

Once you both felt calm enough to move, Hijikata carefully extracted himself from you, using his scarf to wipe off any semen that came leaking out of you. You laid your head on his clammy chest.

"I'd never cheat," you said blatantly.

Hijikata pushed a hand through your messy hair, staring up at the ceiling. "I know. I just... wish I could have been there for you. I know it's not fair, having to always put up with my work."

"You're here now." You turned your head to smile up at him and he returned it with one of his own rare ones. The kind that took your breath away and reminded you of how different he could be around you. "Won't the others be looking for you?"

"Let them," he sighed. "I've been long overdue for a day off anyway." There was a brief pause, as though he were thinking things over. "Can I take you out?"

Your heart skipped a beat, delighted that you both could finally spend quality time together. Not that mindless fucking wasn't fun but normal couple stuff had to come in somewhere.

You smoothed your hand over the skin on his chest, loving how only you were allowed to touch him this way. "Yeah, you can."

[soup-du-silence]

Thoughts on the whole FOWL arc, particularly Bradford’s arc and his beef with Scrooge? I felt it wasn’t handled great at all, and I think I sympathized a bit more with Bradford than the writers had intended? I dunno, I just wanted Scrooge to be a bit in the wrong for ONCE and suffer real consequences. Never really bought or understood the show’s idea of family or adventure either, especially the VERY extended family they tried to make in Season 3.

i feel like pcs would have a good answer to this actually but Im personally really fuzzy on the whole bradford thing because ive only seen most of season 3 once and didnt enjoy a lot of it so Im....hm. bradford hates....the nebulous idea of adventure because its inconvenient and expensive? and also personally traumatic? am i understanding that correctly?

and for a while i remember thinking....is bradford going to be a vehicle for exploring why scrooge’s reckless, selfish behavior is terrible for everyone else in the world, why hoarding wealth is wrong, why looting other civilizations is wrong, is there going to be a big heel turn, and we’ll have to reconcile with how watching the show from his point of view has blinded us to the harm he’s causing, and why people like musk and bezos are actual real life villains, and is bradford actually going to be a guy you root for, like poison ivy, wouldnt that be SICK??? wouldnt that be smart and brave and interesting???

and then it not only did none of that, but it leaned extra hard into the nepotism angle, without a hint of irony, and im still totally baffled by it

the bradford thing ended up just being...petty and stupid. like if someone was tasked with writing poison ivy and was like “okay but we cant let her be too relatable, she’s right you know, and people know it, so instead of being an eco terrorist trying to reclaim mother earth from capitalist pigs at any cost, she’s just really mad cus someone overwatered her succulents when she went on vacation as a kid.” You HAD something, it was right there, and you had to dial it back because mickey’s signing your paychecks.

i so, so badly wanted scrooge to be WRONG. he IS wrong. He’s ALWAYS been wrong and thats very often the POINT of his character and I really expected that that would be something we could talk about at least a little in 2017-2021 but apparently not. like i HAVE to believe the crew knows, i follow a lot of them on twitter and I see how they talk about current events so I HAD hoped.

idk.

the family thing really got on my nerves after a while because it became a buzzword for, like, “we havent done a good job of selling you this idea but if we say it often enough then you have to accept it as true.” Especially in regards to webby. i think i brought it up sometime around when moonlander aired, because she kept dropping “family” in a way that didnt feel convincing to me and was really obvious every time it happened. and i had a whole long list of things that made it feel forced, starting with “scrooge literally fucking yells that she’s not family and this doesnt concern her and NEVER apologizes” and includes “wow webby says ‘my family’ about the ducks WAY MORE than anyone else says it about her” and “spending a whole season focused on della reconnecting with her biological family SPECIFICALLY, which webby is understandably and justifiably not a part of, leaving her out by necessity” and “lots of episodes about clan mcduck specifically and the power and importance of that bloodline, which is kind of icky actually, but we’ll just paint it as grand and noble and never mention non-mcducks like Quackmore or Elvira because Scrooge is literally the only one who matters.” 

and its hard to really sell Webby as part of the unit when you’re so obsessed with the bloodlines and heritage of One Man so I guess in that regard it makes sense why they did what they did. if you’re not gonna devote the time to explaining why she is good and why she matters INDEPENDANTLY of how much scrooge lore she has memorized then i guess yeah just slap some of his genes in her and make it fact because while I wanted to believe that she was part of the family, i dont feel like they ever did the hard work of convincing me she was. they just kept saying FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY until i went “god yeah shut up i get it”

like he NEVER FUCKING APOLOGIZED, guys. and she just forgives him before they ever see each other again. How fucking hard would it have been to have them sit down like “i didnt mean it, i was wrong, and if i didnt see you as my family then thats my own fault because you’ve been here under my roof your whole life and i had my head too far up my own cloaca to see what i was missing. that changes now, you’re one of us”

but that would mean admitting he was wrong. and scrooge is never wrong.

[pinkykitten]

Forest pt. 1

 Castlevania 

Alucard Tepes x female! reader

Warning: cursing, violence, gore, mentions of blood

Specifics: chapter fic, romance, angst, fluff, not requested, action, adventure, race neutral reader, human reader

People: alucard tepes, monster thingy from the show

Words: 3,338

Summary: Since Alucard lives in the forest now in Dracula’s castle he meets the reader in the forest and in that moment he starts to have a liking towards her and is very bashful, blushy and romantic towards her and she is a goofball and is very silly and lighthearted. From the moment that they met all Alucard wants to do is protect the reader no matter what is takes. 

Authors Note: god alucard is so sexy and so beautiful like god dang! lol sorry im a bit of a horny nerd. anywho its rlly late where im at andddddd i cant go to sleep cuz i slept the whole day so ayyyee. anywho i was inspired idk where but i was inspired to write this bc i think alucard deserves love and someone who adores him like i do. i loved writing this tho and rlly want to write for castlevania more but this is going to be chapters idk how many yet lets just see where the wind takes us i hate planning anyways. IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS THO I AINT EVEN MAD ABOUT IT!!!!! LIKE YASSSSSSSSSS

“Alright so its been almost a month and I haven’t died. That must mean I’m doing something right.” You used a piece of wood you made into a cane to help you get up the steep hills. You were voyaging alone in the forest. You had a family that were settled more outside the town that you lived near. You were a large family and your siblings came down with a sickness. You were determined to find a cure and determined to find medicine for them. As scary as it may have seemed you needed to put on a brave face for the dangers that lay out ahead. You knew those monsters walked around and as much as that terrified you, your siblings came first. At a young age, adventure excited you and you always wanted to prove to yourself and family that you were more than capable of doing things alone. 

You saw a river down below. The water rushing past rocks made you relaxed and with a glint in your eyes you smiled. “Aha!” You looked left and right, seeing if anyone was present. “Alone with just the woods and me. I knew mother was wrong. I can very much so take care of myself.” You threw your satchel on the floor alongside with your clothes. “I smell like a pig.” You chuckled at your joke. The cool, clear water was down below as you ran to it, looking forward to the coldness and the feeling of being clean. You jumped in not knowing someone was near. 

You dunked your face laughing. “And there’s fish!” You swam behind a light blue fish. Being at awe when you saw the way the fins shone from the sun. You picked it up skillfully and carefully you set it free. Your body delicately floated. “This is the life.” Birds chirped, the wind blew like a whisper against your cheek. 

But suddenly, the rustle of the trees alarmed you. You heard the snapping of a twig. Your head snapped to the noise. Fear bubbled inside you as you thought of all the possibilities. What if it was a bear? What if it were those monsters? Your heart sped fast as you backed out of the river. Your breathing was faster. You needed to get out of here. As you got out your back hit against fur. You quickly turned around as saw a huge demon, monster, you didn’t even know what but you knew it was from Dracula’s army. Its teeth were sharp and its eyes were bright and red. It was your worst nightmare. You erupted a scream as you sprinted around it, climbing the hill to where your satchel laid. 

“Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m gonna die!” You didn’t care about your nudeness, all that mattered to you was surviving. You tried to go as fast as possible but the creature landed in front of you, stopping you from escaping. It cornered you against a huge boulder and tree. With everything you had you lifted your cane high in the air and hit the monster. It didn’t even flinch. 

“What?” Your eyes widened in horror. The creature picked you up as if you weighed nothing and threw you against a tree. You cried out in pain as your back burned and ached to an extreme level. You then noticed that a tree branch stabbed right through your shoulder. The blood dripped down your arm onto your naked skin. You felt queasy and weak. Thoughts and last words echoed through your mind. The monster was about to devour you but a flash of blonde hair came into your vision and you saw, him.

This young man was nothing you’ve ever seen before. He was stronger than the average person, throwing the monster back and forth. He punched it high in the air and then threw it against the boulder. He was incredible. Full of power. Your eyes were starting to close and your vision grew blurry as the last thing you saw were the fangs that the man displayed. 

“Mother I had this terrible dream!” Your whole body shot up. That was a terrible decision as you winced in pain. “It was not a dream.” You breathed hard as you took in your surroundings. The fire was lit making the room comfortable as you were once shivering from being wet. It looked as if you were in the kitchen of somebody's house. “Hello?” Your throat was dry. You were in a stranger’s house. You were in a stranger’s house! “Oh dear.”  You were put high onto a table. You jumped off but were still too weak. You landed hard on your knees but caught yourself with your arms. Your shoulder pounding in pain. You became dizzy. You heard footsteps nearing. “Who are you?” You tried to stand up again but slipped into the arms of a man. 

“Hold on. You are still not well.” His voice came out almost like a whisper. He picked you up and sat you back on the table. “Also, I’m the man who saved your life.”

“That was you? That was, um, pretty amazing.” You curled into yourself. You were nervous around this man. He intimidated you and made you feel shy. He was very handsome and charming. “You kicked that things as* real good.”

The man chuckled, “thank you.”

You quickly looked at your nightgown. It was too big for you as the sleeves ate your arms and the collar was off the shoulders. Your eyes shot open. You were bashful. “Did you, um, see anything?”

He looked away, “I kinda had to. Sorry. You were naked when I saved you.”

“Great. That’s great,” you inhaled clapping your hands. Suddenly you sensed a throbbing pain on your shoulder and you looked to see a blood stain on the nightgown. “Um excuse me sir. Is that supposed to happen?”

The man looked worried as he laid you back down and pulled the nightgown down enough to see your shoulder. “It does not look good. It seems with that jump you reopened the stitches.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. God, this really hurts.”

He got to work on doing your stitches again as he got his items. “Bite down on this.” He opened his mouth to show the action and you saw his teeth. 

“Agh please don’t eat me! You’re a vampire aren’t you?” You flinched away. 

The man rolled his eyes as he shoved the cloth in your mouth but before he got started on you he said, “You are right. I am a vampire.”

You spat the cloth out, “I knew it. I also would like to know your name as this may be my last moment and I would like to remember who will either save me or take my life. My name is y/n l/n.”

“The names Alucard Tepes and this is going to sting a little.” With that Alucard poured some alcohol on your wounds. (im sorry i dont know how helping ppl w medical stuff works :( 

You shifted and tried pouncing up, fighting the urge to let out a blood curdling scream. But Alucard pushed you down with his hands, shushing you gently. “I know, this hurts.” You could almost sense some love and actual concern in his voice. His brows knitted, “I promise, you are almost finished.” 

You looked deep into Alucard’s eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. This man or vampire looked unreal. He looked made up, something from stories you read as a child, like a prince. You felt something go off within you. Not knowing if it was lust or something else but a fire erupted inside your soul as Alucard’s face inched closer to yours to get to work on your shoulder. His smell was intoxicating. Almost like a musk but yet something floral, fresh, mixed in. Your heart thumped faster at the contact. 

His plump lips quivered as they looked at your state. No way did he want this innocent soul as beautiful as you looked dying on his table. He already had to deal with a lot recently. He didn’t know why or understand but he had this inclination, this feeling, that he needed to keep you alive. He just had to. 

Unable to keep the scream at bay no more you let it out. Your veins protruding from your neck as you became dizzy and once again passed out.

Your eyes opened. Your body was aching. It felt like it went through war. You inhaled as you looked around again, but this time you were hoping things were not a dream as then Alucard would be fake. Remembering his name your head whipped to the side to see Alucard holding a wash cloth stained with blood. He was sound asleep. His head resting against his arm against the table. All the medical stuff was out and about as if he were still working on you. His back was arched at a odd position. 

“He must of fallen asleep while working on me,” you whispered to yourself. His hair sprayed out on his shoulders and table. Without a second thought you touched his hair lightly and you were shocked. It felt like silk upon your fingers! His golden eye lashes kissed his cheek as he snoozed so peacefully. You felt bad leaving him to worry for you and to be sleeping in an uncomfortable place. You felt you weren’t that deserving of such treatment.

You kicked your feet out and hopped off the table. Your feet pattered against the hard floor as you walked to Alucard. You snatched him a blanket you saw nearby and draped it over his tall, lean body. You smiled seeing how elegant and graceful he looked sleeping. 

You yawned, scratching your head as you looked upon the window and noticed it was raining. Surprisingly in this vampire but also a stranger’s house the rain seemed cozy and it made you feel at peace. It was dark in his house. The trees shook from the tiny wind and rain. 

“I must leave but I should thank Alucard for helping me with my wound last night. I probably wouldn’t have last without him.” Your mind wondered back to what happened at the river. Yes, Dracula was gone according to what the towns people said but why was his army still about, his monsters? It didn’t make sense to you. But what did you know? You were just a weak human living in a mysterious world you didn’t want any part of. 

You pulled out a chair and got to writing a thank you letter to Alucard, pulling out a pen, ink and a piece of paper.

“Dear Alucard. No, too direct. How about, to a savior? Too high and mighty.” Finally you had written your letter but it sounded very awkward and you were too much of a p*ssy to give it to Alucard. “Ugh this is hopeless.” You crumpled up the paper, throwing it on the floor by the garbage. 

You thought and thought and thought until an idea popped in your mind. “I know,” you snapped. “I’ll make him breakfast. My mother always says a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” You crossed your fingers, “lets just hope this man likes human food instead of hearts and blood.” You gulped. 

You rolled your sleeves up, washed your hands and brought out the pots and pans and butter. “I’m going to make toast, eggs, bacon, beans and mushrooms.”

You spiced up the food and placed them in a skillet. The sizzle satisfying your ears. The sun started to peak through the clouds as the aroma wafted through the house. You grinned, loving to cook and make a person happy with your hard work. “I hope he likes this.” You were almost finished when Alucard coughed behind you. 

You jumped, being in the zone. “Oh hi there,” you waved awkwardly. “My apologies if I woke you.”

“Uh, no I woke myself up,” his rough voice made your knees weak as it was still laced with sleep. He stretched, cracking some knuckles, yawning as well. “What I would like to know is what are you doing?”

“Well,” you started setting up the table cutely. “I wanted to say thanks for helping me back there. I was kind of a p*ssy to be honest and like a wuss so this is just a little thanks for all the help.”

Alucard didn’t know what to say so instead he just smiled. 

“Please, sit, sit, sit,” you pointed to the seats. “Breakfast is almost ready.”

Alucard awkwardly sat. Not ever having this type of service. He looked at you as you were preparing the finishing steps of your dish. The sun cascaded around you and you were illuminated like a goddess. You were breathtaking. Alucard blushed madly. You put everything on the table. Seeing Alucard’s expression you laughed, “are you alright?”

Alucard coughed, “yes, thank you for all of this. You really didn’t need to. It all looks beautiful.” He looked at the presentation. 

You took the seat beside Alucard. You could of sat anywhere else but you sat beside him. He almost couldn’t hear what you were about to say in that moment from how hard his heart was beating.  

“No need to thank me. I think we’ve done enough thanking and now its time to dig in.” You patted his hand. 

Alucard just looked at the food and he almost felt tears at his eyes. Nobody ever cared for him like this. 

“Is it okay? If its not to your liking I totally get it. You don’t have to eat it. I don’t even know if you like this stuff. I mean who knows maybe you only eat flowers and here I am serving you bacon and eggs.” You became flustered. 

“No, no, no this is lovely its just,” he choked back a cry. “Nobody has ever done anything like this for me, ever.”

You clutched onto his hand and gave him a beautiful smile. “Then that just means you have to eat double. As much and maybe more than what your stomach can hold.” You giggled.

Alucard blushed again as he started to eat quickly. Enjoying every moment of your company and food. “The beans are delicious.”

“Well I’m glad you liked them. Its my mum’s recipe, she always makes them like this.” You then recalled why you came on this journey in the first place. “My satchel!”

“Don’t worry, its safe.”

You raised your brow, “did you take a look?”

Alucard paused, “no, I would never.” He took a bite out of his bread. Chewing on the piece silently. “Maybe just a tiny peek.”

You pouted, “Nosy. I should of locked it.”

“Why do you have all those books in your bag anyways?” Alucard crossed his legs as he took a sip of his coffee. His light orbs staring intently at you. 

Seeing the rain start to become tiny droplets of rain you thought about your family and how you missed them. This was all for them. “My siblings you see are very ill,” your hand shook with anxiety. “My village is very poor and we are limited in resources, especially medicine. We’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. They just seem to be getting worse. I’ve been researching and trying to find an answer and supposedly, I read that there is a certain flower that only grows in a specific area that may cure the illness. In the books there is a map and that’s why I was led to that river well more like I wanted to take a bath and that’s what led me to the river. But I’ve been on this trail for a while. I’m just, scared because it all depends on me. If I can’t find this flower, if I can’t find a cure and my family dies it will be my fault. I would have killed them.” You didn’t even realize it but you were crying. 

Alucard saw you were distressed and held onto your hand. He comforted you through your anxiety. Your teary eyes looked into his and he gave you a toothy smile, “I’ll help you find it.”

“What?” You rubbed your eyes.

“I know the place you need to go. I can guide you there. Besides the outside world is very dangerous for a beautiful girl such as yourself. I can see that this means a lot to you and I want to help.”

You dropped your fork and got out of your chair. “You mean it? You aren’t joking?”

Alucard chuckled, “I promise I am speaking truth.” Alucard flung his hand out to you. 

You quickly shook on it and shouted with enthusiasm, “deal!” You jumped up and down laughing as you hugged Alucard. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can we please leave immediately then?”

“We can leave today.”

You danced, “yes. I’ll go change and get my things.” You brought the empty dishes to clean them as Alucard stood up with a smile on his face. 

You were something else, something different. A breath of fresh air in his depressing life. Maybe you were meant to be here. Maybe you were a sign. Either way Alucard thought that these couple of days were to be very exciting. Alucard was about to get ready when a piece of paper in the corner caught his eyes. It was crumbled. “Hmmm, what is this?” He bent down to pick it up and read the words. With just the first word to the letter his smile grew bigger and bigger. 

Alucard coughed as he raised the letter you wrote to him earlier but discarded high in the air, “Dear Alucard, to my savior. I would love for you to know that I am extremely appreciative for what you have done for me in saving my life-”

Your eyes almost popped out of your head. That letter was not supposed to be read by him especially. It was embarrassing. You dropped a plate in the sink and felt your whole world collapse. You wanted to crawl in a hole and die. 

“When I first saw you I thought you were a prince-” Alucard kept going until you couldn’t take it any longer. 

You sprinted and tried grabbing the letter out of his hand. “Alucard, give that to me. Now.”

“Oh you want this letter?” Alucard smirked. “You do sound like an obnoxious romantic whore.”

You gasped, “I do not! That was supposed to be my thank you letter and I didn’t like it and you weren’t supposed to read it. So give it back!” You jumped for it but Alucard raised it high in the air. “Alucard, give it to me.”

Alucard’s face came closer to yours as he pinned you against the table. “Why don’t you come and get it?”

You practically climbed him, snatching the letter out of his hand. “Aha!” But Alucard’s footing was off and he and you fell with a thud. 

The birds chirped lightly as Alucard laid under you and you fell on top of him, your arm bracing for the impact. Alucard held in his breath with a red blush as he looked at you so extremely close. You both held that position for what felt like forever. You eyes were wide in horror at the compromising position. 

You quickly stood up and were flustered. Forgetting where everything was. “Um, um, um. I’m going to go put my trip on so we can get ready for the clothes.” You quickly ran away. 

Alucard breathed quickly as he brushed back his long hair whispering the words. “My savior.” He noticed you were in such a panic mode that you forgot about your letter. It was left and Alucard was not going to leave or throw away evidence that someone saw him in such a good light. He loved that letter because it was from you. 

Tag list: @harrington-lover​​, @angelgl16​​, @perfectlybeautifulsuit​​, @hyehoney​​, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly​​​, @totally-alexa21​​, @creamy-pasta-boi​​, @multireese​​, @fanfictionrecommendations-com​​, @prentisskelley​​, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97​​, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople​​, @collectiveyou​​, @wtfisalltherandoms​​, @dirbel​​, @eastcoasthaven​​, @fangirl-4-life415 (wont let me tag), @melonreblogsstories​​​​

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

Please Reblog, like or comment! It means a lot to me and I truly appreciate it:)

[iamtaekooked]

Vanilla Rules || Ch 15 (Pjm)

Genre: Enemies to Lovers! AU, badboy! au, college! au

Word count: 10.1k

Synopsis:

The hate saga between you and baddie of the town Park Jimin rests on two very simple rules: 1.) Hate each other for the rest of your lives and 2.)under no circumstances fall in love with each other. But what happens when the possibility of love threatens this dynamic?

A/N: This was a long long long time overdue! I hope you enjoy it! Also the “dont blame for making you fall” line isn’t a 100% original. I was inspired by something similar I had read like a decade ago in some YA novel and but couldn’t remember what it was so just made my own version of it. So credit to. that book and its author. 

Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 || Ch 7|| Ch 8 || Ch 9 || Ch 10|| Ch 11 || Ch 12 || Ch 13 || Ch 14 

The incessant tapping of the pencil, the ticking of the clock on the wall opposite to you, the flipping of pages, and the sound of typing around you was making your anxiety worse. Worse because Jimin was already doing enough to make you anxious by looking at you from across the table. You didn’t know if he knew you were aware of his eyes surveying your face. It wasn’t the fact that he was looking at you. It was the way he was examining you. Whoever said eyes are the window to the soul was right because his feelings were apparent in his eyes. 

It was no secret anymore Jimin liked you. The evidence was all there: first he said it himself, second he got mad when Hoseok kissed you at the soccer game, and then he kissed you. Kissing would be an understatement. It was raw, primal energy that somehow rose from deep inside you, and even though the rational part of your brain was screaming for you to not do it, your body had already taken over. 

You could still feel the feeling of his hands on your body. The way his hands were tangled in your hair. The way his skin felt soft, and firm underneath the pads of your fingers. You couldn’t forget how warm you felt, and surge of emotions that washed over you. You remembered how his breaths had fanned your face every time you pulled apart even for a nanosecond.That soft, unnerving sensation he made you feel was still settled into your stomach and etched so deep into your mind you wouldn’t be able to forget it for a long long time. Even as you sat in front of him, your lips still tingled gently with the same tickling feeling that you had felt the night you kissed at Elijah’s party.  

You still remembered how he smelt that night: a little bit like beer and soft notes of musk and velvet from his cologne. You remembered his flushed cheeks, and intoxicated eyes which looked at you in a way that made you want to melt into a puddle of goo. He could snap his fingers and you would gladly will yourself out of existence. He tasted of beer and mint as your lips had melted together into kiss after kiss after kiss. 

Had you not been interrupted that night you would have gone all the way with him because you had lost all control. 

Jimin tapped the table using his knuckles which drew you out of your reverie. Suddenly your body felt really hot. You throat had dried like a piece of parchment and your lungs felt like they were on fire, as if you had just run a marathon. 

You cleared your throat and blinked to push away all the thoughts. “What?” your voice came out unexpectedly breathy-- well that was expected but you didn’t think you were going to sound like you had just been shown stars behind your eyes. 

Jimin’s eyes squinted as he cocked a sly brow. He licked his lips, eyes flickering to yours before he cleared his throat as well. “Were you thinking about that night?” 

You hated how he placed such emphasis on that night. “No!” your eyes widened as you gawked at him. “No way” you coughed suddenly feeling air getting stuck in your throat. 

“You’re completely red” he comments, settling back into his chair and leaning against it. Folding his arms across his chest that look was back in his eyes-- the one from that night-- like the world around you could crumble to dust and he wouldn’t blink an eye. He was looking at you in a way every woman in the world would want to be looked at-- as if you were the only thing that mattered and everything else was dust and nothing. 

His gaze did not waver as he scrutinized you ; studied you with eyes roaming all across your face. 

It took your breath away and you felt absolutely winded. “Why- why” you gulped hard. “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“Red is a good colour on you” he leaned in. 

You shook your head. “Stop talking like that” 

“Why? Does it make you nervous?” his lips stretched into a knowing smile, his teeth peeking from behind the little gap. He smiled like he just knew every thought, every feeling you were feeling. Like he could see deep down inside you and knew what makes you tick. Like he knew you in a way that was different from everyone else and he enjoyed it. 

“No.” you lowered your eyes back to the book. “Besides, we’re supposed to be studying” you couldn’t look up at him. You couldn’t face him anymore knowing that it was futile. Everything was futile because in this moment, nothing mattered to you. Not the book in front of you, nor the people around you, nor the trees and roads, and mountains. The world couldn’t distract you from your feelings even if it tried. 

“I don’t want to study” he answered. Suddenly, his face was blocking your view of the book as he had slid across the table.  He was looking up at you, hand cupping his cheeks and a cheeky grin on his face. He was enjoying every single moment of it. You flinched back upon seeing him like that, your back hitting the chair. 

“Dude!” you exhaled with a whisper, almost shouting. 

“Still red” he announced and lifted himself off the table and settled in his chair, his spine resting against the back.

“You are delusional. I don’t like you” you slammed the textbook so loud people around you looked up from their work. “Sorry” you looked at them sheepishly and apologized with a small nod of the head. He managed to get you so wrapped up that you forgot you were in the library.

“I did not say anything about you liking me” he quirked an eyebrow with interest. 

You did not have a comeback so you settled for the next response that came to your head. “Stop it”

Jimin let out a small laugh, and shook his head. “That’s very cute” 

“Will you stop for fucks sake? Why are you acting this way” you frowned at him, aware of why he was acting that way but his behavior was so frustrating that you had to ask. 

“Because…” he paused, as if for dramatic effect. “I li…” he paused again with the tiniest hint of a smirk at the corner of his lips. He let a few seconds pass before he closed his mouth. “Nothing” he lowered his head with a small shake and a soft chuckle. 

“You-you..you” your cheeks grew hotter by the second. “Park Jimin you are the worst person ever” you stood up, grabbed your book and your backpack that was slung haphazardly across the back of the chair. 

He did the same as he saw you and quickly gathered his belongings. While he was doing that you took the chance and walked away before he could join you. Because God knows it was the last thing you wanted.You had not even crossed the doors of the library when he fell into step beside you. 

“Stop following me” you quipped, looking straight in front of you. Once more you could feel the beating of your heart in your ears as a rhythmic vibration which had become a common occurrence lately in Jimin’s presence. 

“I am not following you y/n. I am right beside you, not behind you” he answered in an innocent tone, full well knowing your statement was not literal. 

Abruptly stopping in the middle of the hallway, you turned to face him. “I’ll ask you once again. Why are you acting so weirdly?” 

“Once again I’ll answer. It’s not weird” 

“Ughhh” you sighed and looked heavenward. “Why are you so hell-bent on complicating everything? Why can’t you just let it go”

“Let what go?” 

“I can’t let you burn me. I can’t allow you to… to make me feel as if I have no control over anything. So, stop complicating things” you replied curtly. 

Jimin scoffed. “You’re actually putting this on me? Do you think I like any of this? I fucking hate it. So don’t tell me I am the one complicating things. Why don’t you grow a spine and face your feelings?”his relaxed demeanour morphing into a more tense manner. He couldn’t understand why you couldn’t see how much he was trying and willing to be someone he was terrified of being. And all because of you. Why couldn’t you understand how absolutely terrified he was. Why could you not see past his facade and know that simple fact. 

“Yes! You are. You do things and you say things that.- ” you looked at him with an unflinching gaze and felt a wave of anger overcoming you. “It’s all because of you. We were fine weren’t we? Just the way we were was good. Why did you have to go and ruin things? Why do you have to make me feel as if-”  you sighed in frustration because you couldn’t explain to him what he makes you feel.

 Everything was so complicated. It was all so frustrating and Jimin acting like nothing was wrong, pissed you off even more. Everything was wrong. You had one unspoken rule in between you and now it was a remnant of the past. It unsettled and unnerved you. 

Jimin’s jaw clenched. “Don’t look at me the way you do then. Don’t look at me as if I matter to you. Don’t look at me like I am the only person in the room that you care about. Don’t look me in the eyes for more than a second and then blame me for making you fall” 

His words were followed by nothing but the chatter of people passing you by in the hall as both of you stared at each other. What could you possibly say to that? Because you did look at him as if he mattered. You did make the mistake ; not once, or twice. But you did it countless times without even realizing it. As much as you hated to admit it, he was right. He could never force your feelings even if he tried. You did it all on your own and now you can’t deal with it. 

“W-what?” you gaped at him.

“You still can’t see past your own stubbornness can you?” he snapped, nostrils flaring, chest heaving with effort. 

Your eyes widened and you gawked at him in shock, “You’re calling me self-centered?” 

“You are! That’s all you are. From the beginning to now. Do you have any clue how hard it was for me to say what I told you? I mean for fucks sake I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. The minuscule possibility of anything other than that was not even a concern for me because I was never going to allow myself to feel anything else. But…” his chest heaved with effort and he swallowed hard. 

“But, what?” 

“But all you can think about is yourself y/n. We are nothing but fools for you! You let me kiss you and I thought it meant something” he gulped, trying to make the tightness in his throat go away. 

“It-” you started

“Don’t fucking try to deny that you didn’t feel anything. But then you let Hoseok kiss you and didn’t even hesitate. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What am I supposed to think? You’ve played both me and Hoseok for fools.” 

“Are you serious right now? What the fuck do you mean I played you both like fools!” your voice rose to a shout.

Jimin’s nostrils flared and he scowled at you. “You know exactly what I mean!”. You noticed his eyes getting glossy, and a shine overcoming them. 

“Well fuck you then. We’re done here” your voice shook but you swallowed the growing tightness in your throat. 

“I think that would be best. Make up for you fucking mind y/n” his tone lowered and he shook his head. 

“Don’t you dare say that to me Park Jimin” you stepped towards him. “Don’t you fucking dare. Who the fuck was it that brought Bethany to the party. Do you think I am stupid? Don’t put all this on me because you can’t deal with your feelings” your voice quivered once more, and you bit your lip to stop yourself from letting out a sob you had been trying to choke back. 

He took a step towards you. “Tell me that on the day you figure out how to deal with your feelings” Jimin’s lip quivered. 

“You spoiled everything Jimin! I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never kissed you because it was the single worst mistake of my life.” you spat harshly. Finally the tears fell slowly. 

Jimin’s expression faltered as the frown from his face disappeared. “I wish I had never met you either” he replied through clenched teeth and the tears he had been trying to hold back slid down his cheeks.

It broke your heart. 

It broke his heart. 

Turning away from each other you went your separate ways. 

///

Your whole room was a pile of tissues and nothing else. Your nose was dry and it hurt to even touch it but the tears wouldn’t stop falling. You felt restless. There was a weird itch somewhere deep inside you which made it unable for you to focus. You couldn’t sit, nor stand. You couldn’t sleep or eat. Even when you tried to talk, you couldn’t get more than a single word out because you just felt so angry. 

Your whole body felt as if it was on edge. You didn’t know what to do with yourself. If you sat down, you wanted to stand. If you stood you wanted to lie. If you laid down, you wanted to walk around. If even for a second you felt drowsy, your stomach would tighten and all intent and desire to sleep would vanish. You did not know what to do with your hands, or the rest of your body. You really wanted to punch something. Maybe even break a few plates and cups, or scream at the top of your lungs until you lose your voice. 

Grabbing the pillow  next to you, you held it against against your face and screamed. 

“I hate you Park Jimin. I fucking hate you so much” you pulled the pillow away and sighed, hoping that with one breath all the tiredness, pain and suffering would end. But that is not how it works. Unfortunately. 

“Stupid fucking feelings” you muttered cradling your head in your hands. 

Self-blaming was a specialty of yours so naturally, you blamed a part of it on yourself because you shouldn’t even have talked to him. After that night at the party where you kissed him, you should have just distanced yourself. But you didn’t. You hated that you allowed yourself to feel something and couldn’t back off. 

How in the world could he think you were playing him and Hoseok? How was it so easy for him to put everything on you, as if he hadn’t complicated things on his end? 

The door to your room opened and Taehyung peeked his head inside. “Oh y/n” he sighed at your disheveled state. Opening the door wider he entered your room. 

“Why do you guys fight when you can’t handle the aftermath?” he shook his head as he approached you. 

“What?” you sniffled, wiping your nose with a tissue you picked up from the box next to you.

“I just met Jimin” Taehyung sat down beside you, against the headboard of your bed. 

Even after everything, a small part of you wanted to ask how he was doing. Why was it that despite being hurt a tiny part of you still felt compelled to look after his well being?

“He’s the same” Taehyung turned to look at you. “If not worse”

“I don’t care” you croaked. “He deserves to be” you felt contempt, and a lot of it. 

“I heard what happened” Taehyung stated with a soft voice. 

You felt his eyes on you, but refrained from making eye contact. What could he do? How could he possibly fix it? Hell, you didn’t even want anything fixed. At this point you wanted Park Jimin to be a distant memory. 

“I’ve never seen him cry you know?” Taehyung stared at you silently. 

“Are you trying to advocate for him right now?” you scoffed, feeling disappointed. 

“No!” Taehyung raised his hands in the air. “Not at all. He said something he shouldn’t have said. I get it. You’re angry at him. You have every right to be. But to be fair to both of you, it has been confusing. Neither of you know how to deal with your feelings” 

“I have no feelings towards him. I hate that guy” you bit through your teeth. 

Taehyung’s lips pressed into a thin line and his nose scrunched. “Right now he kinda hates you too” 

“Good. Because that’s how it’s supposed to be” you replied without hesitation. 

You heard Taehyung sighing next to you. “You have both put me in a very awkward position” 

“Trust me Tae. The position you are in is way better than the one I am in. It fucking sucks” you cradled your head in your hands.

“I know y/n. I am sorry” he gently patted your back. 

 “I don’t know what to do. I just want to slap Jimin. Honestly. He’s fucked everything up. Again. I can’t do this anymore. It’s not like I wanted any of it to happen. I was perfectly fucking content hating him. But no. He just had to go and ruin it. He’s ruined everything” you felt the tears welling up in you eyes again and tried to blink them away. 

“Just listening to you is making me feel frustrated” Taehyung chuckled softly. “If you like each other, then just forget everything else” 

“I don’t like him! besides after what he said to me, I am never going to feel anything for him ever again. The fact that I did feel something is a tragedy in and of itself” 

“It’s not that easy, bunny. This is your anger talking. Not you. We can’t control our feelings anymore than we can control our lives” his lips curved into a small sympathetic smile. 

Fuck feelings” you choked. “Fuck everything” you wiped your eyes using the back of your hand. 

Taehyung studied you silently and then he forced himself to lighten his expression with a smile. He hated seeing you sad and didn’t want to dwell on the same topic for too long knowing it would only add to your frustration.“But not ice cream!” he exclaimed with excitement as the smile stretched across his lips and reached his eyes, making the corners crinkle. 

“What?” 

“You’re sad and Jimin is sad. So naturally I feel sad too because two of my closest friends are hurt. So, lets just wallow in our misery and throw a pity-party” he pushed himself off the floor and stood up. Reaching out a hand towards you, he waited in silence. 

You looked up at him and felt thankful. For the first time in two days, your body felt lighter. Just seeing your best friend smile was enough to give you energy. So you slide your hand into his and he helped you up. 

///

You and Taehyung spent hours sitting on the couch and eating all the junk food items you could find. Sure, it felt gross and you were nauseated but there was a sense of satisfaction. You looked around and noticed there were so many tubs of ice cream, chocolate wrappers, cans of soda and wondered for a second how you managed to eat half of all that. 

Taehyung was still eating ice cream next to you. You grinned looking at him. “Thank you Tae” 

“Hmm? What?” he slowly turned his gaze away from the TV and towards you. 

“I said thank you” 

“Of course” Taehyung put down the tub of ice cream and grabbed you in a headlock and ruffled your hair but not without planting a kiss on your head. 

“Let go!” you slapped at his arm that was wrapped around your neck. 

“I love you, you crazy girl” Tae ruffled your hair once more before letting you go. 

“I wish I could say the same” you replied in a raspy voice followed by a cough. 

Taehyung laughed. “You’re crazy” 

It was silent as you both settled back and watch Star Wars, giving your complete attention to the movie. Chick flicks are a thing of the past. Now-a-days you get over your sadness by watching action movies. It’s mostly for cathartic reasons. If you can’t actually hurt the person who hurt you, then the least you can do is see other’s fight and vicariously live through it. 

Even though you were watching Star Wars, your mind was still restless. It was definitely better than before because your body didn’t feel on edge, but your mind was still stuck in the same rut. 

You know what I mean!

You could still hear Jimin’s voice in your head. The way he looked at you, the way he let himself be vulnerable enough to let a few tears slide down his face. All of it makes you feel irritated. Somehow he managed to make you feel guilty. So, how can you trust a guy like that? How can you feel anything for someone who doesn’t even show you a shred of respect and thinks you are playing him. 

Will you ever be able to explain to him your feelings?

“Stop thinking” Taehyung’s voice drew you out of reverie. 

“What?” your brows furrowed together in confusion. 

“If you’re just gonna think about him, then talk to him” 

“I am never going to talk to him again Tae. I don’t even want to see his face” your nose screwed up in irritation. 

“Well that’s going to be tough” Taehyung retorted, not exactly making you feel better. 

“Ughhh.. Don’t remind me” you propped your feet on the sofa and brought your knees to your chest. 

Just then your phone rang. 

 Your brows creased and you looked at Taehyung. You showed him your phone and his expression changed to one of confusion as well as he raised his crinkled eyebrows.

“Why is Jungkook calling you?” he questioned

“Like I would know” you replied and placed the phone to your ear. “Hello?” 

At first all you heard were sighs and grunts. The sound of heavy breathing filtered through and you wondered if he pocket dialed you while working out. 

“Bro” you heard Jungkook say through the other end. 

“Kookie?” 

“Oh- uh hey y/n” he sighed heavily. “Sorry. Jimin is fucked up right now” 

“What did he do?” you questioned

“Uhh..” Jeongguk sighed once more. “He got drunk and then he got into a fight. Someone called the police-”

“Police?” you shot up from your seat, heart racing in your chest. 

“It’s alright. I got him out” Jeongguk replied calmly. “The only problem is he won’t go home unless you come” 

“Me?” your heart quickened once more because lord knows you didn’t even want to see Jimin.

“Yeah. We’re outside the police station. He’s still drunk and half asleep yet he keeps asking for you. Please come down here. I am about to lose my mind and I might end up hitting him because he’s being annoying as fuck. Please” Jungkook pleads. 

You shake your head as if he could see you from the other side of the phone. “I can’t Jeongguk”

“Please y/n” the desperation was evident in his voice. “As much as I want to I can’t leave him here. Please. If not for him, then for me. I need your help” 

“Jeongguk” you sighed. After a moment of deliberation you agreed. “Okay. Text me where you are” 

Hanging up you turned to Taehyung. “You really meant it when you said Jimin wasn’t doing well” 

“What do you mean?” Taehyung eyed you curiously. 

“Well your friend got drunk, got into a fight, got hauled to the police station. Don’t worry Jeongguk got him out” you replied noticing Taehyung was about to speak. 

“Okay…” 

“Problem is your friend, won’t leave unless I go there. Jeongguk is seriously desperate. I am going there to help him” you explained to Taehyung who squinted his eyes at you. 

“Are you sure?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Are you sure you’re going there to help Kookie?” 

“Definitely” you nodded, making sure to look Taehyung in the eyes so he doesn’t think you are lying or conflicted. “I am pissed off at Park Jimin. I am not going there for him and honestly at this point I don’t really care for him. I am just going to help Jeongguk because he sounded exceptionally desperate over the phone” 

Taehyung nodded slowly but he didn’t look convinced. 

///

“What’s wrong with him?” you asked Jeongguk, while looking at Jimin who was nodding off. 

“He’s drunk, asleep and injured. But he kept asking for you a while back when he was still awake. Something about how he shouldn’t have been so mean” Jeongguk lips pressed into a thin line in what you assumed to be a sympathetic smile. “But thank you for coming” 

“Of course. I would help you out anytime, any day” the corners of your mouth lifted into a smile. 

“Do you mind grabbing his other arm?” Jeongguk grunted as he grabbed Jimin’s arm and helped his stand up.

You hesitated for a moment. Biting your lip you nodded your head. “S-s-sure” 

You reached for Jimin’s arm but right then the image of the you tangled withhim, his lips on yours, his hands traversing all over your body flashed in your mind. Instantly,your fingers curled into your palm just as you were about to touch him. Gulping away the tightness in your throat, you grasped Jimin’s arm and steadied him on his feet. With Jimin secured between you and Jeongguk you began walking. 

The sounds of your shuffling feet against the rough gravel, and the whistling of wind through surrounding trees was all that could be heard as you and Jeongguk stayed mum. Every now and then you could feel him glancing at you and somehow you just knew that he knew about your fight with Jimin. 

At one point you both ended up looking at each other at the same time and then awkwardly looking away with nervous laughter. 

“I am sorry y/n” he spoke softly, adjusting Jimin’s arm around the back of his shoulders. 

“Why?” 

“Because I know how hard it must be for you coming here and having to see him” he motioned his head at Jimin who was mumbling something that you couldn’t care less about. 

“Thank you for saying that” you offered him a tight lipped smile. 

“He was wrong to say what he said to you” Jeongguk continued and you wished he would drop it because being reminded of it left pangs of pain in your chest. 

“Yeah he was and I am glad you see it that way too” 

“Having said that, he’s also sorry. You didn’t see him y/n” Jeongguk peaked at you from behind Jimin’s head. “He was devastated if nothing more.I found him at the gym punching away at a sandbag until his knuckles bled. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen” Jeongguk paused. 

Somehow you were having trouble imagining a vulnerable Jimin. 

“Then despite me threatening to punch him out he went to a bar, got drunk and got into a fight with some dudes over a parking spot. He didn’t even fucking drive to the damn bar and he knew what he was doing. Because when I tried to stop him, he told me he deserves to be hit”  you glanced at Jimin’s hand which was hanging off your shoulder. It was bruised and blue. 

You didn’t know what to think or say because it sounded so unlike Jimin. 

“He doesn’t know how to express his feelings. He’s never been good at it. When he doesn’t know how to deal with something, he lashes out and says things he doesn’t mean” 

“I am pretty sure he meant it” you looked at Jeongguk straight faced because you did believe he meant it. 

Jeongguk shook his head. “I’ve known him longer than you. He didn’t” 

“Fine. Let’s say he didn’t. That doesn’t make it hurt any less” 

“I know this doesn’t make you feel better but I just wanted you to know that he did feel bad. Despite everything he has done in the past and now, he’s a good guy” Jeongguk pressed his lips together in a half-hearted smile. 

“Not to me” you whispered, his words bringing back the pang of disappointment and hurt in your chest. “Just out of curiosity, why are you telling me all this?” 

“Because I know that if Jimin was conscious he would say the same thing to you” 

You didn’t say anything but concentrated on supporting Jimin because you were starting to feel tired as all three of you stumbled. Thankfully, you didn’t have to walk far enough because his apartment was nearby. Jeongguk punched in the code for Jimin’s apartment and the door opened. You carried him through the elevator and up to the seventh floor. 

You didn’t have much time nor interest to look around his apartment. Jeongguk laid him down on the couch and ran off somewhere leaving the two of you alone. 

“Do you want water?” you heard Jeongguk calling. 

“No! I am good. Thank you!” you yelled back. You noticed that Jimin was nodding off again and couldn’t help but notice the gash on his forehead, his split lip, and bruises around his eye. 

Just how much is going to mess things up for himself?

The shuffling of feet against the marble floor alerted you that Jeongguk was coming so you quickly looked away from Jimin and slide your hands in your jacket pockets. He sat Jimin up and flicked some water on his face which made him perk up a bit. 

“Drink this” he put the rim of a glass containing some kind of green juice to his lips. 

Jimin flinched as the liquid touched his mouth. You stood and watched as he gulped it down and by the end he was coughing. Jeongguk patted his back. “Good man” hethen left again leaving you alone with Jimin, who was in a groggy state and still reeling from the taste of whatever Jeongguk gave him. 

As if he realized someone was standing over him he looked up. “Y/n?” he croaked, massaging his throat. 

 “I am leaving!” you called to Jeongguk. But he didn’t respond so you took that as your cue to leave and turned on your heels and headed towards the front door.

“Wait!” you heard Jimin. 

“I have nothing to say to you” you didn’t turn around. 

“ I am sorry” he said. He didn’t even sound sorry in the least bit. 

You turned around. “Say that to me when you really mean it” you scoffed. 

Jimin didn’t respond. He just looked at you and hung his head low. “I didn’t mean what I said” 

“Yes you did” 

He sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “I know you think I did. But I didn’t. I was just pissed” 

You chuckled bitterly. “Don’t talk to me about pissed, man. Let’s not talk about it. We’ll end up arguing again. I can’t deal with any more. It’s too much” 

“Yeah” he whispered. “Me too”. 

“Good. Because I don’t want to talk right now” you replied shortly.

You gave a curt nod, and made good on your word to leave because the universe knows that you want nothing from Jimin. Not even an apology. 

///

Jimin hadn’t come to any classes for the past three days. A sense of relief washed over you the first day you did not see him. But sure enough his fan club wasn’t very pleased with him not showing up. 

“Where is he?” one of the girls in first year whined to her friends and they all responded with solemn expressions. 

You rolled your eyes as you walked by them. Not having him around made the tight knot in your stomach and throat go away. It finally felt like you could breathe. You were still very angry at him, and you were thankful that he wasn’t there because another argument would be guaranteed if he showed up. 

On the first day after your fight you went about your life, trying to erase every trace of Park Jimin from your life. You stayed away from the gym because it would remind you of him. You stayed away from the basketball court and actively took measures to avoid running into any of his teammates. You avoided the library because you spent time with him there and it was the last place you wanted to be because just thinking about it brought memories of the argument back. You even skipped going to Monet’s with Taehyung because that is where you first realized this complicated thing called “feelings” between you and Jimin. You also skipped going to the soccer field to cheer on Hoseok for a friendly game with a rival college because it also reminded you of Jimin.  

On the second day of Jimin’s absence you spent most of your time in the student lounge studying and working on assignments. You ended up making friends with an exchange student and showed him around town. It was a perfect day, away from college, away from people who were associated with Jimin. You went to karaoke with your new friend Jaden, and had a blast belting out one song after another. Following the past few stressful months, this was the release you needed. Your body felt so light, and you could feel the endorphins having a positive effect because you felt a surge of energy and happiness. 

The third day brought about a whole day of classes devoid of Jimin which was perfect because you had no distractions. For once in months, you could finally concentrate on your lectures and managed to understand whatever was being taught. That felt like such a huge accomplishment that the rest of the day you had a skip to your step, and a huge smile on your face. Not to mention you ended up acing the in class quiz after the lecture which also helped elevate your mood. After having one failure in your life after another, one drama after another, doing well on a quiz provided you with a sense of self-satisfaction which you realized you had forgotten the feeling of. 

“Wow, you’ve got a glow” Yoongi offered you his usual gummy smile. 

“I aced the quiz and I finally after months was able to attend a lecture properly with full focus” you returned his smile and sat down across him on the cafeteria table. 

“Good for you!” he nodded. “Listen, Valentine's day is coming up-” 

“Ughhh. No. Whatever you are about to ask me, my answer is no” you shook your head vigorously. It was such a pointless occasion, you still couldn’t understand why half the world obsessed over it. 

“Chill. We were thinking of hosting a spring dance but a Valentines’ day theme and I wanted to ask if you would be kind enough to grab the decorations from the old art studio. Also, I wanted to know if you would come to the dance” 

“Fine” you sighed. 

“So you’ll come?” Yoongi looked at you with anticipation

“I meant fine that I will get you the docrations. But, no. I won’t come. No offense but I have a very different opinion about this “holiday” compared to other people. So, no” 

“I am not a fan either but we haven’t had a fun event in the months after that camping trip we took. Kind of feels dry so one of the student council members suggested we do this to bring up everyone’s spirits” Yoongi eyed you. 

“Yeah” you shrugged. “Do it. But don’t count on me. I am going to stay home and relax” you stretched your arms in front of yourself, feeling the tiredness finally leaving you. 

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “So much for school spirit” 

“I don’t have any” you replied coolly. 

///

The fourth day, Park Jimin showed up which was announced by the screams of first year girls. Your heart sank into your chest as you watched him approach your direction. You clutched the book tighter around your chest, knuckles turning white around the binding. Your eyes met, and no matter how much you wanted to look away you couldn’t. The closer he came, you noticed the small cut on the corner of his upper lip, and a small gash on his forehead partly hidden by his fringe, looked better than the day he got into the fight.

He didn’t take his eyes off you either. You gulped, noticing the quickening beat of your heart. Despite everything, that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach, under your skin was back. You had hoped it would have gone away but it didn’t as the moment you saw Jimin you started feeling it again. Your throat constricted once more, which happens when you are about to cry. Your stomach twisted, and your breathing fastened. 

He was still coming towards you and you were frozen. As if your feet had been stuck with glue to the floor. The urgency to move grew within the pit of your stomach but your legs wouldn’t move. Jimin was close. 

Move 

Move 

Move 

Just at the right moment you felt a tug to your arm and found yourself looking at Hoseok. You glanced towards Jimin’s direction from the corner of your eyes and noticed him looking at you and Hoseok. 

“Hi Hoseok” you smiled. 

“Long time no see” his cheeks blushed a slight pink colour. 

“Yeah” you avert your gaze down to the floor for a moment and then looked up at him. 

“How have you been?” you question offering a small smile. 

“Busy. I’ve got to start preparing for the upcoming season so I am just headed to practice” the corners of his mouth upturned into a bright grin. 

“No rest for you huh!” you teased. “Well, I won’t keep you from it. Good luck and don’t stress too much about it” 

“Thanks” Hoseok smiled and held out his arms towards you. 

You blinked for a second before realizing he was leaning in for a hug. You let his arms enclose around you and with your free arm patted his back. He tightly squeezed you and lifted you off your feet, immediately making you giggle. He gently set you down and pulled back. “I’ll see you around” 

“See you. Have fun at practice” you nodded and then he pivoted on his heels and strolled away past the crowd of students, and behind Jimin. 

He was still standing at the same spot and he had seen everything. It didn’t matter but you knew it couldn’t mean anything good given past experiences. You let yourself look at him for one more moment before turning the opposite way and vanishing behind the group of first year girls who were whispering, and squealing. 

It shouldn’t have affected you. Seeing him should have been a normal occurrence-- the way you notice other people around you and forget about them-- that’s how it should have been with Jimin. But it wasn’t. It was so much more than that. Before your mind could even react your body had taken over and you felt everything all over again. 

All sense of relief had been washed away the moment you saw him. Your stomach felt tight, and you were sure you were going to lose your appetite again. You did not like it one bit-- the way he was looking at you and Hoseok and you wondered if he would get into another fight with him. 

“Deep breaths” you mumbled to yourself. “Deep breaths” the thought in itself was enough to provoke anxiety. 

You turned a corner and entered the old art studio to look for the decorations that Yoongi had asked you to. You were thankful that for at least a little bit you would have something to distract you. 

The moment you opened the door a gust of dusty wind greeted you, immediately making you cough. The entire studio was filled with old canvases, and boxes containing decorations labeled with different events in the past. Stepping in further you tried to find the light switch, but even as you flicked it up and down the lights did not turn on. So, you opened the door wider to let sunlight filter into the dim room. 

Cautiously, you stepped over a bunch of canvases that had toppled over and made your way to the back of the room which was lined with giant boxes. Scanning through all the rows you found the two labeled “VD” which you assumed meant Valentines day. Standing on your tiptoes you reached an arm up to grab the box which happened to be on the top row. 

Geez. Thanks universe

Groaning and grunting with effort, you tried to extend your arm further but it wouldn’t reach. Looking around you surveyed your surroundings for some kind of a step stool, or even a stable enough box you could step on. But alas, as your luck would have it, there is nothing you can use. Not even a ladder. 

“Just one more fucking thing that won’t go right” you sighed and looked heavenward, silently praying to the man upstaird for some help. 

And help he did send. Just not in the form of something useful like a ladder. 

“Y/n?” 

The familiar voice tugged at your heart, which sank deep into the depths of your stomach as you felt your gut twisting into knots once more. 

“Jimin?” your eyes widened in horror as you whispered to yourself without looking back at him because the whole frickin universe knows you don’t want to. Why is he even here? 

“What are you doing here?” he questioned. 

You heard his footsteps coming closer and had half a mind to run past him, but that would only have been possible if you could clearly see. But there was just enough light to illuminate vague shapes in the darkness. It was a guarantee that if you tried you would trip over something and that would bring its own unnecessary embarrassment. 

You sighed heavily before turning to face him. 

“I could ask you the same” you rolled your eyes, hardly able to believe your fate. But then again everything that has happened so far wasn’t exactly the definition of stellar. 

“Yoongi told me to get decorations for some spring dance or something” he stepped further into the room,blocking the single ray of light coming in through the door and all you could see of him was a dark outline of his body. 

“What? He told me to do that?” your nose scrunched in confusion. “I swear if you are pulling some kind of stunt on me, there is plenty in here that I can kill you with” you threatened as you retreated deeper into the room, accidentally stepping over something hard. Stupid Park Jimin was blocking the light and you didn’t want to say anything because the less you spoke to him the better it would be for both of you. 

“Why would I do that?” you could hear the outrage in his voice. 

“Oh I don’t know” you paused. “Maybe because you have a history of trying to make my life a living hell” Despite that though, something felt off. 

You heard him sigh. He didn’t say anything and you felt glad for it. 

Shaking your head you turned d to face the myriad of boxes staring back at you, two of which were waiting to be taken out so you could deliver them to Yoongi. Although you tried once before, you tried again to reach up to the box but only managed to get your finger tips scratching against the box. It wasn’t enough height to actually grip it. 

“You’ll hurt yourself” you heard Jimin behind you. 

“I’ll do it. So leave. I don’t want to talk to you” you strained as you spoke still trying to reach for the box. 

Thud 

You flinched and turned back around to find that the door had been shut behind Jimin.

“Shit!” you ran for the door, shoving Jimin out of your way and almost knocking him over. “No!” you shook the door as hard as you could to try and open it, but it wouldn’t open. “Hey! We’re in here!!” you yelled as you pounded at the door. “Open it!” 

“It’s pointless. It was Yoongi” Jimin’s statement makes you give up. 

And then it made sense to you. Of course it was Yoongi. But it wasn’t just Yoongi. It was Taehyung and Jeongguk too. You could see Taehyung’s name written all over this. They knew about your fight with Jimin. He would obviously have told Jeongguk, and Taehyung would have informed Yoongi-- because why not your life is a damn drama anyway. 

“Fucking idiots” you groaned as you tried to pry open the door once more by violently pulling at the door handle. 

“Save your breath” you heard Jimin and your immediate reaction was to roll your eyes. 

You were half expecting him to apologize to you by now-- but you should have known better. It’s Jimin, and you should know by now to not have any expectations from him at all. Yet knowing that, you still somehow ended up with expectations. Jimin could never be the man you wanted him to be yet there you were agonizing over him and how you felt about everything. 

Despite everything, the nervous knots in your stomach still lingered behind the anger that was starting to boil over. Your heart somehow still managed to beat frantically against your desperate wishes for it to not. In spite of the frustration, you still felt unnerved, and completely helpless without control over your own mind and body. It served to add to your agitation because what could be more pathetic than feeling all these emotions because of someone you were adamant on hating, yet unable to do so? 

You hated how much control Jimin had over you and yet none at all at the same time. He was right. It wasn’t his fault you felt all these feelings when you were the one who looked at him and built expectations in your head. He never forced you, never asked you to worry for him. Yet you did. So how could you blame him and not yourself when a part of it was of your making? 

A long exasperated sigh left your mouth and as you slid against the floor and fell on your butt.

It was absolutely dark in the room. Whatever light had been coming in was blocked by the closed door. You closed your eyes and rested your head against it, bringing your knees to your chest and just waiting, no clue for what. It was not like you were magically going to get whisked away from the room and away from Jimin although that would have been a very welcome occurrence. 

Then you felt a flash of light causing you to open your eyes.You noticed Jimin had turned on the flashlight from his phone and was walking towards you. There was nowhere else to run towards so you stayed where you were. 

He mirrored your posture and collapsed next to you, leaning against the door as well. 

Neither of you spoke, and you both actively avoided looking at each other. You fiddled with your hands while Jimin tapped his foot on the ground. From the corner of your eyes you could see him biting his nails. 

As if the room wasn’t stuffy enough already, now you were stuck with Jimin and every breath you took seemed to get stuck in your throat. But this was not anything new because feeling suffocated around Jimin was like an occupational hazard. His foot tapping was starting to drive you nuts because it forced you to focus on him and that was the last thing you wanted to do. Not that you could have focused on anything else even if he weren’t sending you a reminder of his presence. 

“Stop it!” you snapped, slapping his knee. 

Immediately he stops but not without sending you a glare. “What the hell?” 

You sighed. “Just shut up” 

“I wasn’t the one that started it” he responded shortly. 

“Fine. I’ll end it then. Let’s not talk” you shook your head. “Unless you will apologize” you mumbled under your breath but not too quietly because you did want him to hear it. 

“How the fuck are we supposed to get out of here if we don’t talk about it?” he turned to face you, his profile illuminated by soft light. 

“I am going to call Yoongi, and tell him that we talked it out and we’re good because I am 99% sure they pulled this stunt because they wanted us to talk about whatever happened” you pulled out your phone and were in the midst of dialling Yoongi’s number when Jimin grasped your wrist and pushed your hand down to  prevent you from calling. 

“But we haven’t talked” 

“They don’t need to know it. Just put on those awesome acting skills of yours to use and we’ll pretend we’re good” you wrested your wrist out of his grasp. 

“Stubborn as always, Jesus” he shook his head and sighed in what sounded like disappointment. 

It worked it gaining your attention because you put your phone away. “Do you really think I want to talk to you after you basically implied I am some kind of two timing slut?” 

“That’s not what I meant!” Jimin immediately defends himself. 

“Sounded exactly like that” you squinted your eyes at him and glared.

“It wasn’t” he matched your gaze. 

But he still did not apologize. 

“Wow. You just can’t admit you are wrong can you?” the anger you were feeling bubbled over in your voice 

“Fine! I shouldn’t have said that. I was wrong!” he throws his hands in the air. 

“Great! Thanks. That totally sounds like a sincere apology” you stood up and dusted your jeans. You dialled Yoongi’s phone once again. 

“Y/n” came Yoongi’s voice. 

“Get us out of here” you said curtly, losing patience by the second. 

“Did you guys talk?” he questioned sounding thoroughly unconvinced. 

“We did. He apologized. I forgave him. We’re good and please don’t expect anything else” 

“I know better than that with you two” he chuckled. “Fine we’re on our way” 

You hung up. Great. There is more waiting around yet. Jimin was still sitting on the ground with his head between his knees. You glanced down at him and couldn’t help but roll your eyes. How could he not be sincere about it? Your hand clenched into a fist the more you dwelled on it and you raised it in the air to hit him when he lifted his head. You quickly put your hand by your side, planted your face against the door and pretended as if you were looking outside. 

He stood up, dusted his clothes off. “Y/n-’

“Nope” you craned your neck further against the door as if it would help. The only thing that would do was give you a neck cramp. 

“Fine. Fuck it” he snapped. 

Your brows creased in confusion at his reaction and you turned to face him. “Seriously?” you scoffed. “How can you-” 

The door opened and gust of wind blew through your hair. 

“Ah there you guys are” Yoongi appeared in your line of sight as you blinked multiple times to adjust to the light. “Still alive” he chuckled. 

“Can’t say the same for you” you slapped him on the arm. Hard. 

“Ow!” he rubbed the spot where you hit him. 

“Yay! You didn’t kill each other” Taehyung stepped out from behind Yoongi, offering you an awkward smile. 

“I am going to kill you” you glared at him and he averted his gaze.Jeongguk peeked in from behind the other door and offered a sheepish smile. “You too” you glared at him and he too looked away. 

You shoved past all three of them, hearing small groans and mumbles of complaints as you left. 

///

After the incident with Jimin and you being locked in the same room, you decided it was best to go home and rest. You did not have any other classes, and besides you felt too angry to want to talk to Yoongi, Jeongguk, and Taehyung. How could they do you like that? Taehyung especially knew how you felt about it, so how could he even think that you would be okay with something like that? 

You knew the moment your eyes started growing heavy, you had been pushed past your limit. So, after multiple sleepless nights you let the drowsiness engulf you and drown you in a deep sleep. 

A loud obnoxious knock on the door awoke you from your peaceful nap. Finally after so many days you had no afternoon class because the professor was sick and Taehyung also wasn’t home. But it seemed even a few hours of peace were not in your kismet. You stretched your arms over your head and groggily stood up, dragging your feet towards the door. 

You opened the it in your half asleep state and- “Jimin?” 

You were awake. Completely alert and awake. 

He shoved past you and inside. 

“What the-” you followed behind him. “I didn’t say you could come in” 

He was already sitting on the couch. “I know. Sit” he motioned to the spot next to him. 

“Why are you here?” you folded your arms defensively 

“To apologize” he sighed. “Sit” he said sternly, not removing his gaze from you. 

You didn’t want to give in so you dug your heels into the ground and stared back with a blank expression. 

Jimin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Always so fucking stubborn”. He looked up at you again. “Sit down” 

“Doesn’t seem to me that you are here to apologize” you snapped tapping your foot on the ground. 

“Not until you sit down” he insisted. “Look. I am not here to fight or pick an argument with you. So please sit down” 

You regarded him in silence. He was just staring at you with conviction in his eyes. His gaze was unflinching. 

1 second

2 seconds

3 seconds

4 seconds

“Oh for fucks sake, sit down y/n” Jimin yelled making you flinch. 

“Stop yelling!” you matched the loudness of his voice after composing yourself. “And no, I don’t want to sit. I don’t want to talk about anything” you turned on your heels and headed towards the door. You turned the handle and just as you were about to open the door, it shut with a loud thud making you flinch. 

You felt a tug at your arm. 

“What are you doing!?” you pressed hard against his chest using your palms, but he did not budge. “Let me go!” you yelled just as his hands enclosed around your wrists and he pinned you against the door. He was holding your wrists against his chest as he pressed you further against the door. 

It was too close for comfort. 

“No. I won’t. You have to listen to me” 

“I don’t want to” you tried to wrest your hands from his grasp but his hands only tightened around your wrists in response. “Jimin, it’s hurting” 

“Good. Because I am hurting too. Why the fuck wont you just listen to me?!” he snapped. 

“Because!” you yelled. “Because I know what it will lead to and I don’t want that to come” your vision grew misty because of tears. 

“Why!” he pulled you towards himself, your hands still pressed against his chest.

“I don’t know. I am just scared. I am terrified of this Jimin. Don’t you see?” you swallowed hard to choke back a sob. 

“Yeah. Like it’s so easy for me right?” his eyes searched yours for any kind of indication that you understood. “You do not understand how frustrating this is for me” 

“I don’t understand? I can’t do anything Jimin! I can’t even sleep. I feel suffocated all the time and there is this tightness in my stomach that I am always trying to get rid of. Are you happy that you have created a mess out of me?” you glared at him feeling the heat rising in your body.

He scoffed. “I have never met anyone in my life who could destroy me so gently in the way that you have. I meant it when I said I was prepared to hate you forever. I was. I never thought I could feel anything other than dislike for you. But something changed. I know you don’t like talking about this but hear me out” he said when he noticed you were going to speak. He let go of your wrists and leaned in while placing both his hands on either side of you, effectively trapping you between himself and the door.

“These past few months have been the most frustrating, agonizing, and painful months of my life. I didn’t want my feelings to change. God knows, I tried. I tried so hard to make them go away. I tried to distract myself with girls to get away from my feelings. I know you are aware of why I brought Bethany to the party. Y/n, you have to know how unbearably difficult this is for me.I am absolutely terrified every time I am around you” he chuckled to himself. 

“Right now, I can’t even breathe because you are in front of me. My heart is going crazy in here” he pointed to his chest, eyes never wavering away from yours. “All I can hear are the vibrations of my heart beating so loud that I feel like I’ll have a heart attack. I am barely able to hear myself. You do something to me. Every single time I am near you, I just forget who and what I am supposed to be” 

“Jimin-”

“No” he shook his head. “I need you to know this. You and Hoseok, I don’t know what your dynamic is. I don’t know what you feel for him. It makes me jealous seeing you with him because I know what he feels for you” he cleared his throat because his voice quivered. “And because I know what he feels for you, I am terrified” 

“Why?” you asked, despite not wanting to interrupt him because you needed to understand this part of him if you ever wanted to truly understand the depth and complexity of his feelings. 

“Because I don’t want you to like him. Because he’s a better man than I am and a hundred times more deserving of you. Because I know you will be happier with him. Because at the end of the day I know you could do better than me. But the saddest part is I can’t do better than you and I know it. There’s you and then there’s nothing” he paused, trying to collect his thoughts. 

“It’s incredibly selfish of me to want you. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get rid of the empty feeling inside of me. Most of the fucked up things I have done in my life; booze, smoking, mindless sex-- it’s all because I had never truly felt anything. But then you happened and all of a sudden I felt the whole fucking spectrum of emotions. This isn’t an excuse for my past behaviour in any way. But it’s true” he bit his lip and let go of your wrists.

Dumfounded, all you could do was stare at him. “I-I didn’t know…” you trailed off unable to find the right words to say. Every single word of his hit you like a ton of bricks. You never thought he was capable of feeling so much because he always put on his don’t-give-a-shit- act on. 

He laughed softly. “You couldn’t have. I suck at showing my feelings. I don’t know what to do with myself when I am around you. I guess that’s why I do stupid shit” 

Silence followed Jimin’s words as both of you avoided looking at each other. Being this vulnerable with each other was not exactly something you were comfortable with.

“I am not playing you or Hoseok for fools” you said in a quiet tone which made Jimin look up at you. 

“Y/n-” 

“No. Let me finish. I don’t know what I feel for you. But Hoseok is just a friend. I don’t have any feelings for him. Yes he’s a very nice guy, but he’s not the right one for me because if he was I would already like him. But I don’t. Not in that sense. Being around you is suffocating for me too. You-” you chuckle to yourself. “You make me feel things no one has before. The night we kissed, I had never felt that way before. But whatever this is between us, it won’t work” you shake your head. 

“You’re right. It won’t because you have already made up your mind. I am sick of trying to be better so that I can feel like I deserve you. But you won’t even give me a chance” 

“What would change if I did? Hmm?” 

“Everything” he whispered, his eyes conveying desperation that you were feeling too. 

“What then?” you shrugged. 

He looked at you, trying his best to understand what you were feeling. But he couldn’t. 

“What are you scared of?” 

“You” you whispered. “ How do I trust you? How do I trust that you won’t hurt me?” 

“I won’t” his hands moved from beside you, to cup your cheeks. “I won’t” he whispered as he left a feather light peck on your forehead. You eyes closed instinctively, and your hands clenched into fists beside you. 

He pulled back to look at you. “It’s always been about you y/n. All of it”

You opened your eyes to look up at him. “Then prove it to me” 

“I promise I will” he replied.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Don’t forget to like or reblog if you enjoyed reading this! Feedback is welcome as always. Thank you for taking the time to read :)

[skies-diary]

The more I think about it, the more I think we should stop sending our children to school past grade 5.

More under the cut. TW for suicide mention, mental illness, gun violence mention, and assault mention.

Of course education is important, but schools dont really educate; not anymore. At least, "higher learning" like middle / high school and college don't. I can think of only two classes in grades 6-12 that I've ever used in my day to day life, and those were sex ed (which was comprehensive for me, but which many schools in the US arent even allowed to have on the syllabus) and home economics. The rest were really just full of meaningless facts that I was forced to memorize and that I likely won't remember by ten years after graduation.

It's not that I think people should be uneducated. It's that as early as 100 years ago, people wouldn't send children to school before they were six years old, and now preschools start enrollment at six weeks old. Its that I learned very little in my teenage years that I would ever use in my adult life. Its that school contributed to my depression and anxiety that started at age 11 when I was in sixth grade, and that I'm still struggling with today.

More than anything else, though, while elementary school taught to read and write and made learning a part of life, sixth grade and up made me hate learning. It taught me that learning is a chore to finish and be done with so you can do "fun things". It taught me that if you can't get something right on the first try, you're bad at it and theres no point trying. More than trying to get me ready to choose my own path in life, school was focused on three things; fidelity to country, unconditional respect and obedience to authority, and capitalism training.

Fidelity to country: Every single day started with the pledge of allegiance. Some kids didnt stand for it, and I wish I'd been one of them. On veterans day my senior year, our first hour teacher told the class that any students that didnt stand for the pledge that day would be sent to the office for "disciplinary action". After the pledge, the whole class was escorted down the hall to the room of a teacher who was also a veteran, and we all had to stand in a line to shake his hand and thank him for his service. At age 17, I didn't think that was too strange. At age 23, having lived through Trump's presidency and seen what nationalism and extremism looks like more clearly, I find it much more off-putting than before.

Unconditional respect for authority: For me, this really started in second grade. After first grade, I was transferred to a new school which was poorly managed. The school was understaffed and overcrowded, classrooms were wildly out of ratio and teachers were overwhelmed. My brother, in kindergarten, hardly knew how to spell his name by the end of the year, and that's only because he had extra-curricular support.

The school avoided any and all accountability by having a policy of "the teacher is always right", therefore placing all responsibility on the students for any learning difficulties they encountered. The school board thankfully let my siblings and I transfer to a more competent and less crowded school after I was physically assulted by another student (a boy from another class who tried to suffocate me), and my parents threatened a lawsuit against the district.

The expectation for unfailing respect was amplified in high and middle school, from the constant police presence in schools to the draconian dress code regulations to teachers who treated their profession like a power trip. I did have a lot of good teachers, but others acted like being a teacher gave them license to act like a drill sergeant.

Capitalism training: this is very different than career training. Career training would have taught us marketable, useful skills. Rather, my school district got us ready for the workforce by having us sit at a desk for eight hours a day, delegating us tasks to be completed in a set amount of time, or we'd have life-altering repercussions. We were young adults who had little to no say in how we spent our day to day lives. I feel like these things contributed a lot to spending my teenaged years feeling like I had no direction in life; a feeling that persists in adulthood and has caused me untold distress, from difficulty in career choice to suicidal ideation.

As a teen, I didn't really understand the point of it all. However, it seems fairly obvious as an adult. School was training for corporate life. Modern American schools are turning out kids who have very few life skills, who are primed to sit at a desk for 8 hours, completing largely meaningless tasks and putting up with bullshit from authority figures whom they know better than to question.

In my personal experience, everything past grade 5 had nothing to do with education; rather, it was a nearly decade-long indoctrination ritual to prepare children to take their place as an employee and "contribute to society" under Late Stage Capitalism. It's framed as a necessary part of life, but the truth is that historically, parents, extended family and community were the forces that educated children. They taught them the life skills useful to their time and culture. Today, for example, technological literacy is needed, but a Native American child in 1500 would have learned how to hunt, how to mend, and how to build shelter. A child in 4000 BC Egypt would have likely learned to grown plants in the Nile Delta and care for farm animals.

Learning is a part of life. Human brains are supercomputers that can recognize patterns like nothing else in the world. No teacher has to sit down a typically developing child and teach them to speak; they learn through daily life. Humans didn't learn to make fire in lecture hall. We're naturally curious and eager to learn as children, but after going through school, very few adults retain this enthusiasm.

I used to be able to read three novels in an afternoon. Now I struggle to finish a chapter. This shift did not come about until age 11, the same year I entered middle school.

Children go to school now because there is rarely any other choice. In most American families, both parents work, and if a child is in a single-parent household, it's even less likely they have a stay-at-home parent. This symptom of Late Stage Capitalism (parental absense) causes children to grow into adults indoctrinated into the system, which is causatious of Late Stage Capitalism. It's a cycle that can be hard to break.

But we have to do something. Education reform, finding a way to homeschool / educate through community, or even just stop having kids. I haven't had any children yet because I dont want to raise my babies to be corporate slaves for the Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk of their generation.

Because as it stands right now, America's schoolchildren that aren't gunned down by angry white men are coming out the other side of graduation depressed, directionless, and with one of the highest suicide rates (second leading cause of death for Gen Z) in human history.

What American schools are doing isn't just not working, it's purposefully malicious. We need to change.

[themuller13]

We are in a pokey costumier’s workshop somewhere in the bowels of the Almeida theatre in Islington in north London. It’s not much more than a broom cupboard really, and Ben Whishaw sits on a stool amid the clothes and faceless Styrofoam wig-stands sipping a cup of tea. He seems happy.

All actors — particularly once they become successful — like to go on about how much they just love doing theatre. With Whishaw this is genuinely, honestly true. Ever since he arrived, fully formed, as Trevor Nunn’s Hamlet aged only 23, he has continued to return to the stage even as his screen career has blossomed. It’s almost impossible for him to do TV without being at least nominated for some award — Criminal Justice, The Hour, London Spy — and his film roles are as varied as they are acclaimed: John Keats in Bright Star, Keith Richards in Stoned and supporting turns in Suffragette and The Danish Girl. There are also his regular gigs as Q to Daniel Craig’s James Bond and, of course, the voice of Paddington Bear. Yet for all that here he is, backstage and back in rehearsals, drifting contentedly through the organised chaos of theatre company life.

“I love that about doing plays,” he says softly. “I love being part of a group of people, part of a troupe. It suits me. There’s no etiquette. It’s a profession that is really accepting of everyone’s oddities.” He smiles. “All sorts of people are actors.”

What sort of person is Whishaw? This has not always been an easy question to answer. Over the years a composite image has emerged of a fierce talent who is nevertheless guarded, opaque and fragile. His appearance (skinny, elfin) and manner (gentle, modest) add to this perception. Only, he explains, we’ve got the wrong idea. “Sometimes I get really annoyed because people think I’m going to be cute. And nice. And I’m not very nice sometimes. And I’m not very cute really,” he says, frowning in a way that, to be honest, is quite cute. “There’s this notion that I might be sensitive and shy. Which is partly true. But I can be grumpy and angry and irritable.”

He chuckles and drinks his tea. Still, it’s only fair to point out that these preconceptions about Whishaw are not totally unfounded. Now 36 years old, he says that during his twenties he struggled badly with performance anxiety. “I suffered a lot of awful, terrible nerves and stomach pains,” he says. “Really debilitating things. You realise that other people are dependent on you doing well. Money. All sorts of things become part of the equation. I remember not sleeping because I was so stressed.”

For a very long time he was by his own admission anxious about submitting himself to scrutiny. We knew he grew up in Hertfordshire, went to Rada and has a non-identical twin brother who doesn’t act? Beyond that? Not loads. Talking about himself is still not his favourite thing in the world. “I find interviews quite nerve- racking,” he says apologetically, but explains that he’s trying harder to not get stressed about them or to second- guess what people might make of him. He stops and regards me with what looks a lot like sympathy. “I understand,” he says. “It’s the pressure of your job to capture an essence of somebody, which I suppose is very difficult.”

He thinks he used to use his reputation for shyness as a defence mechanism. “Maybe you can end up playing a role or something?” he says. “Behaving in a certain way because you think people are going to expect that of you. And it becomes a place that’s quite comfortable because you’ve been there before. So you just trot it out again.”

One big change — perhaps the big change — came in the wake of Whishaw coming out as gay in 2011. “I definitely feel like I’m more relaxed as a person,” he says. “I don’t know if that makes you a better actor or more available or anything, but it’s certainly lovely not to have to be worrying about keeping something private. That’s a really, really good feeling. It makes me realise that I spent a long time — too long, really — in a private agony about something. About it.”

So that’s good. He’s also “become really obsessed with this amazing Buddhist nun who teaches meditation practice that is all about acceptance of whatever comes up. About being OK with things being uncomfortable.” This has also helped him to become more sanguine. “You see yourself. Your own mad thoughts, your repetitive thoughts and your own blind spots. It’s very easy to think that everyone else is nuts and you’re sane, but you’re really not,” he says cheerfully.

Madness, as it happens, permeates the play he is about to appear in. Against, by Christopher Shinn, is about a Silicon Valley tech magnate called Luke who believes he is in communication with God, who has given him the task of ending all violence on Earth. It’s a powerful work — occasionally frightening and certainly not the satire it could be — with this well-meaning but eerily detached protagonist at its centre.

“He is vaguely modelled on someone like Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg or Jeff Bezos, and he’s involved in AI and rockets and thinking about the future. But before the play begins he has had this revelation and God has spoken to him and issued an instruction to him to ‘go where there is violence’. So we meet someone at the beginning of the play who is a changed man.”

Whishaw says that, to prepare for the role of Luke, he spent a lot of time on YouTube. “I did begin by watching a lot of TED Talks, people being interviewed, Elon Musk showing people around his factory. And actually, in that sense, it feels very much a play of the moment because there are so many of these people talking about mankind with a messianic, visionary zeal. But the biggest challenge is trying to understand what it feels like to really, truly believe you have been spoken to by God. That’s the thing. That’s the centre of it.”

Whishaw admits what most actors don’t: that he’s competitive when it comes to his career and getting the roles he wants. “I’m definitely competitive, yeah. And I definitely want things for myself. Yeah. Definitely. And I think that’s good.” Has he ever gone up for parts and missed out on them, and felt angry about it? Pissed off? “There are one or two things,” he says a little airily, smiling to himself. “One or two things where I’ve thought . . . I could have done that. I should have done that.”

For a long time he was down to play Freddie Mercury in a forthcoming biopic. The Queen guitarist, Brian May, had said that he hoped Whishaw would get the role, because “he’s fabulous, a real actor”, but that’s fallen through, Whishaw says. He was up for it, but he says there’s no hard feelings. “I don’t really understand what happened myself, but just one day I wasn’t doing it. And somebody else was. And it’s fine. It was just one of those funny things that happen sometimes in the way that films get made.”

Whishaw will be back in the theatre in the new year when he plays Brutus in Julius Caesar, one of the eagerly awaited productions in the first season of Nicholas Hytner’s new London start-up venue, the Bridge Theatre. He has also just finished filming Mary Poppins Returns, a sequel to the classic 1964 musical in which he plays a grown-up Michael Banks. The film is released at the end of next year. “I sing in it,” he says, but then backpedals slightly. “Well, it’s more like talking-singing. It’s Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins and my sister, Jane, is played by Emily Mortimer. It was wonderful fun.” In fact, he says that doing these big Hollywood numbers are invariably a laugh. “I don’t think a job is more noble or valuable for not being fun. Although I think I used to.”

Playing Michael Banks was a particular pleasure given that Mary Poppins was the first film he saw. “My dad taped it off the telly. I watched it in the way that my niece and nephew watch Frozen. Over and over and over again.”

In 2012 Whishaw entered into a civil partnership with the Australian composer Mark Bradshaw. They met during the filming of Bright Star and live together in east London. “We’re quite weird. Music relaxes me, but it doesn’t relax Mark because it’s Mark’s thing,” he says, meaning that the last thing Bradshaw wants at the end of a long day of listening to music is to listen to more music. “So we always have a tussle about when I can play my music. He’ll hate me for saying that.”

Bradshaw produced the score for the latest season of Top of the Lake, the crime drama featuring Elisabeth Moss. Whishaw says that he recently gorged on it. “I just watched the whole thing in one day and what Elisabeth Moss did in it was really inspiring to me. I thought: ‘F***! That’s reminded me why this job is such a great thing to do.’ ” Was the music any good? He nods with faux-solemnity. “The music was good as well.”

Someone knocks on the door to say it’s time to go back to rehearsals. Whishaw seems slightly relieved, but he’s trying his best. “In the past I might have been very defensive about a whole load of things. And I’m telling myself not to be that,” he says. He’s still shy and sensitive and all the rest of it, but nothing like he used to be. “I’m probably a little bit more confident in myself. A bit more relaxed in myself. More relaxed in my own body.” He is, despite his protestations, every bit as cute and as nice as we imagine. He’s also a brilliant actor. All said, there are worse things to be. Against is at the Almeida, London N1 (020 7359 4404), to September 30

[soundsgoodfeelsgood]

Thursday 14th may, day 66

NOTE: i actually wrote this as a presentation letter to a guy on Slowly, but i really liked how it turned out so i thought “hm, might as well post this”. Here you go.

So here are 10 maybe-not-that-interesting facts about me. 

1. My name in italian literally means "clear" and yet i have the same expression capability of a 5-year-old. It takes me forever to express myself in my native langue and I find it easier to speak in english, which can be quite a challenge when talking to my friends as you can imagine. Actually nobody calls me by my name, people usually refer to me by my surname, even my closest friends. (that's Cili if you where wondering, like red hot chili pepper) 

2. In just a month i'll be graduating from high school and in september i'm going to start med school. I don't actually know why i'll be attending it since the very last thing i want to be when i grow up is a doctor. I have really, really low empathy so i don't think i could ever pull that off. Whant i want to be when i grow up is a resercher in neurosciences. There is nothing more fascinating then the human brain. I find utterly...disarming how everything we are, everything we do, all of our thought and movements are decided by how some tiny-iny particles of living matter interact with each other. The human body is the most beautiful of mysteries and everything it does is the result of a tiny miracle. I worship science. I love to find all the science that surrounds me and learn about it. And while i'm quite a thinker the subject i hate the most is philosophy. The only two authors i ever sincerely liked are Plato and Popper. The rest is garbage. 

3. I have quite a memory. I perfectly remember stuff that has happened to me over 10 years ago. Like that one time when i was 8 and i was angry at my friend Dave so i started to throw comic books at him. Or how i used to go around my grandma's garden with my cousins dressed up in Sandocan costumes looking for pinecones that we would later smash in order to eat the pine nuts inside them. And how could I not mention when at 10 my friends and I organised a whole funeral for a ladybug that had drowned in their pool? we made this little raft out of a plastic plate, put the ladybug on it with some flowers and plants and then had a full celtic-like ceremony (we even wrote a eulogy). But the thing i remember the easiest are songs. I know hundres of thousands of song lyrics by heart. My playlist has over 600 songs and i can recognise any of them within 5 seconds (no kidding). Also i have the weirdest music taste. I like Queen as much as One Direction as much as early-2000s pop rock as much as indie as much as musicals. I believe music to be the expression of one's soul. Like, there are some songs that literally speak to the deepest part of me and if i didn't know any better i'd think they were written especially for me. 

4. I'm an INTJ like Christopher Nolan, Elon Musk and Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes. I'm also a Ravenclaw even though Pottermore keeps putting me in Hufflepuff.  As for the zodiac (in which i don't believe in but still read) i'm technically a scorpio but because i was born on the first day of scorpio at five past midnight, my zodiac-obsessed friend keeps telling me i'm a cusp which is something i had no idea existed until she pointed that out. As they say, you never stop learning. 

5. I can solve rubik's cube in under a minute. My friend from robotics clubs tought me. Also, i'm in my schools robotics club. Last year we built a piano-playing robot and we're currently second in italy and forth in europe in our category.  This year we were planning on going to the international competitions but then coronavirus happened so...yeah. Still, robotics is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not for the club itself but for the people I met and for all the beautiful experiences and for that one time in october when we sneaked wine into our hotel room and the next morning i was so hungover i slept the whole day while tecnically competing. 

6. I have a thing for alpacas. I don't know why, i think they're cute. I have a mug with an alpaca on it where i store my markers (i also have a thing for markers). One of my dreams is to see them in Machu Pichu (the alpacas, not the markers). I loooooooove travelling. It's the one thing i could never get tired of. I have an endless list of places i want to visit. My goal is to visit every continent before i turn 30 (the earlier, the better). So far i've been to North America (the USA, twice), Africa (Morocco and Egypt) and i've visited most european capital cities (London, Paris, Berlin, Madrid, Luxemburg, Bruxelles, and many other). As of right now there's Singapore on top of my list, immediatly followed by Peru. Travellig is such a unique experience. Every where you go there's always something new to learn and to discover. Different culture, different food, different languages. I adore languages of all kind. I'm fluent in italian (duh) and english (even tho i make tons of mistakes - i'm sorry), advanced in french and currently learning spanish. 

7. I'm writing a book. Let me rephrase that - I'm writing a trilogy. It's actually a little more complicated than that to be honest. When i started high school i started writing this fairly awful teen-fiction-like novel and than i though to myself: why not make another book where i write the same exact story but from a different point of view and with a totally different style with no reason whatsoever? Five years later, i'm still not even halfway done with a first draft of any of the three books. I mostly use them as a creative outlet, something i do when i'm bored, just for the fun of it. But as stupid as they can be, they're still my creatures and i love them. Even though i'm sort of embarassed of them - no one i know has ever read them. I once tried to show the first few chapters to a group of friends and they still make fun of me for it (but they do it in that friend way that doesn't really offend, you know what i mean?). I just love words so much. I even have a list of favourite words written in my journal. Some exemples are "scrosciare", which is the italian word for the noise of heavy rain falling, and words that are what they mean, like obsolete and cacophonic.

8. if i were to write this last year, i'd tell you i don't believe in friendship. Now, my mind hasn't change that much, i still believe to have no friends in the way i consider a friend is supposed to be. And i know i talked about my friends quite s few times throughout this letter but i usually use this word in absence of something that better explains what i really feel. I'll try to make this as clear as i can. I struggle to make a connection with people. i always feel like people click with each other in misterious ways i have yet to understand. Most of those i identify as my friends are just the people i hang out with. There is no...spiritual connection? It's a little complicated to explain. As if at the beginning of times we were handed some instruction booklets on "human interaction and realtionships" and i lost mine, while everyone else carfully guarded theirs. The word that best describes what i think of most people is afecionado. I don't know where i read it but it pretty much explains it all - someone i feel affection for, but nothing else. I do have a best friend tho. I mean, best friend is quite a big word. I have a human being i feel more connected with in comparison to others. I’ve known him since forever and i hate him. I dont hate hate him as in i want him dead. I love him as a friend, he's a great friend. but i hate him as a human being. He's so goddam perfect it bothers me so much. Have you ever met someone that is just so annoingly good at any thing? well that's him. 

9. I have never fallen in love. Not once. The last time i had a crush i was 11. This is what happens when you are an hopeless romantic who grew up reading love stories and at the same time a creepingly logical human. You have incredibly high expectations. And the only time i kissed someone it was more of a lips-touching-for-a-second kind of experience and we were both very much drunk (it was actually the first out of the three times in my life i ever got drunk, the third being the wine experience in october) When i first met said best friend everyone we knew shipped up ("shipped" as in the fandom term meaning two people should date) and there was a moment this summer when i thought i was developping feelings for him but it was just a second. And i may or may not have dreamed of dating this french guy i saw twice at a drama festival. 

10. I love quotes. I think it's part of the memorising thing - learning quotes by heart. Songs, books, speeches, vines, stand up comedians. I also have a very weird sense of humor, basically anything makes my laugh like bad puns and dank memes. Anyway, i have this thing on my door where i write all the quotes i like. Mostly they're from songs, but i also have two from Dante's Divine Comedy. In italy we study it our third year of high school and my teacher is so obsessed with it that she made us learn over 200 verses by heart.