#i dont think this is normal but also i cant afford to see the doctor for every other symptom i notice

[roundaboutnow]

frustrating thing as a person with illness anxiety is trying to figure out what symptoms are normal and which ones i need to get checked out

is it normal for your hands face and ears to burn red every other winter night as if youre sunburned for no reason or is there something wrong with me

[dreamlanddeluxe]

pro-tip from someone who has had stretches pf insomnia like this since high school: (bc your posts makes it sound like a new development and like youre scared, so i want to help. sorry this unsolicited)

but literally?? fake it

fake sleeping. youre going to lie down, close your eyes, shift when youre uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and stay laying down. try to keep your mind as blank as possible, thats really hard for me specifically, so i legit will listen to videos or podcasts or music or ocean-waves as i fake-sleep (bonus, i found something that works for me 60, 70% of the time are those ASMR roleplay videos where it'll be like "your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to you while you sleep" or "you get confessed to while youre asleep" or literally anything where i have to "roleplay" being asleep?? weirdly? flips a switch and ill be KOed before the video ends. what the fuck. but thats niche as hell, idk if itll work for you, but it is an "experiment! you never know" encouragement)

and youre going to want to fake-sleep as best as you can, even if youre actually awake the whole 8+ hours, because it legit tricks your brain into thinking youre asleep enough that it gives you those chemicals you need from sleeping that help regenerate your energy and whatnot. like scientists found this works really well, insomniacs who did this instead of their phone or tasks or reading, even if they rarely fell asleep while fake-sleeping, not only recorded feeling a lot better than the control group who was not given this order to sleep like this, but also had more balanced chemical stuff. i like to akin ir to a cell-phone charge. youre not going to get the 100% you would from actually sleeping, but going from a 20% to a 65% is still p huge and very helpful. before i was told this tip, i literally would meditate to recoup; and shockingly meditation releases those same chemicals so like. i was already doing it. just. sitting up instead of laying down lol

also, please do talk to a doctor about getting a sleep study done or something if you have the insurance to afford it. but this is a tip you can do in the meantime in addition to other experimentations thatll help you out. youll still feel exhausted (esp if you cant quiet your brain. my AuDHD mind shuts the fuck when other people speak, so the audio-roleplay and podcast and video-essay people have been god-sends), you won't be that 100% refresh as i already said, but it also wont be AS compounded of an exhaustion which is so helpful when your metaphorical battery is just going down and down and down— to have SOMETHING charge it even a bit or just stall it. i dont want you to think this is a "youll feel back to normal!" cure-all; it truly is the epitome of a "well, thatll help it not get WORSE at any rate, and maybe a bit better" type of rhetoric

for now, i would recommend doing a fake-nap, pick x-amount of hours that feels most comfortable to you (my pick is usually 3 or 4, but my lil sister found she prefers 2 hour long fake-naps and my other lil sister just goes "fuck it, no fake-nap, only fake-sleep; im doing 8+ hours" lmao), see if it at least takes the edge off

i have said a lot of "temper your expectations" type of stuff but i will also say this: at one point, this tip literally saved my life. because i spent 2.5 months running on a total of 4 to 6 hours of legit-sleep per week or per week-and-a-half throughout. and that kinda shit, i belatedly found out, should mean i should be dead. but i was fake-sleeping at least 5 hours a night. and my family's doctor went "uhhhhh thank god i showed your mom that study i guess, omfg". so like. i swear it helps. just. ALSO temper your expectations on how much it helps lol

if this is unsolicited and feels unwarranted, i apologize. im not good at reading tone in text, and just wanted to help. i hope this does help you out, you got this, i believe in you!!

Hey no worries, I appreciate you taking the time to type all this out. Recently (like, within the past one to two years or so) I’ve been more prone to bouts of restlessness and the fake sleeping is actually something I practice and it does help me most of the time. I think right now it’s more of a stress induced sort of thing more than anything that’s led to me having more trouble. Might just be one of those things I gotta wait out to be honest. When I do have a moment where I can’t sleep right it doesn’t last more than a few days normally so I don’t imagine this being different I hope. Maybe seeing a doctor would help but I’ll be honest there’s a probably a few things I should be seeing a doctor about and I just don’t have the money for that lol. But still like I said I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out and offer some advice that’s very kind of you 🫶

[stormyaskgames]

Iron Man: Underdog✨

Spiderman: I believe its a thing; i don’t agree with or support it though.

Black Widow: for the villains would probably be more interesting and more safe; i mean if the hero’s catch me I’m probably just going to get roughed up a little and jailed. Ive seen avengers and stuff. But villains are bad guys. I don’t trust bad guys to not seriously hurt me.

Hulk: i mean i prefer analytical and communication and working through things. Am i always good at doing that in the heat of the moment? No. I give myself very good advice but i very seldom follow it. 🤷‍♂️

Thor: Warm rain and overcast skies, cool enough i can wear layers so the sun doesn’t have as much exposed skin to touch, but warm enough I’m not freezing

Captain America: I’m really not tbh, and i never have been. In the words of green day “fuck america”

Black Panther: War Of The Worlds, Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, 2001 a space odyssey, invader zim enter the florpos

Ant man: 4’11

Bucky Barns: i am ambidextrous when i want to be i can legit draw with one hand and color with the other, AT THE SAME TIME!✨ i found out because in art classes we had 5 minute sketches and i HATED how unfinished it was so I’m like both hands lets go! My teacher thought i was cheating and then after watching me he was impressed.

Captain Marvel: Money💵. I grew up pretty well off but i dont think i really value money. Dont get me wrong money is great when you want something or there are bills to pay. I just think that some things are more important. For example i had friends that really struggled and my parents and me would fight because thats not my money to do what i want with, their probably just using me but honestly i wasn’t about to let my friends go hungry! 💀 also the 🐰 (one of my dads) judges my bf because hes yehaw and he doesnt make as much as 🐰 would like. But honestly were not really struggling, he makes me happy, i love him fuck the 🐰

Hawkeye: something heavy, I’ve used one of those germ ex dispensers that was basically a metal pipe and a heavy chair. Im not really allowed to have weapons so if I’m in a fight i need to think on my feet and go go go

Doctor Strange: Ghost Activities? We were at the supermarket no-one around and from across the isle this ghost just starts throwing lemons at me. And Neku cant see ghosts like me so he just turns to me and is like “that one of your ghost friends?” And I’m like “Yep💀”

Peter Quill: honestly most people? I am 30 and still constantly confused for much younger and seen as a stupid kid basically. ( i have neoteny basically i didn’t grow or develop normally. Example: i lost my baby teeth in high school, went through puberty in my mid twenties. Im smaller than most adults, extreme baby face. Don’t really look or act my age)

Falcon: 🤷‍♂️ i do know i think its so stupid that we cant afford to properly feed and take care of our soldiers with as much money as the american government puts into the military, i don’t agree with war, but honestly its arguably human nature and not having armed forces puts us at risk from other armies. We also wouldn’t be such a world power without our army. No other army compares. Though america is definitely a bully with its armed forces

Gamora: Depends. Does it have to be blood family? Cause fuck that. I would totally choose the found family i chose in a heartbeat though. I love my best friend/Boyfriend and his family. I love my little coven. Don’t honestly care about success all that much. But idk🤷‍♂️

Nebula: i mean i am straight up an example of that. I was arguably the “bad kid” growing up. Was extremely troubled. Had a reputation of being Volatile,Dangerous and Uncontrollable. got in some pretty severe trouble. Honestly did time for that. I was a really moody angry kid. But honestly when i found people who believed in and accepted me, gave me the love i always needed and wanted. I changed. Ive softened and sweetened a-lot with age. And now people are legit surprised to hear about my past with the degree that I’ve changed.

Wanda: teleportation. And i can bring others with me! Would legit make traveling so much easier as someone who’s not legally allowed to drive. Oh i want to see this friend! BOOM! Let’s go to the art museum! BOOM! Like sure theirs uber but I’ve heard horror stories. People are sketch and I’m kind of at their mercy sitting in their backseat💀

Deadpool: whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.🤙💀

Loki: me and my friends bought the biggest energy drink can that we could find. Got rid of the energy drink filled it with juice and i just went around school drinking it watching people freak out. Teachers were basically like fuck no you’re not having that in my class where did you even get that. One kid joked about the world ending. Im severely hyperactive and was often manic and sugar high in high school. People were basically freaking out because i really don’t need that.

Venom: Red hood or Damian.

Nick Fury: Feral Child, Wild Animal, Gremlin. Cute/Sweet.

Thanatos:🤷‍♂️ depends on if the situation calls for it. Idk man cant think of examples

Rocket: Fenic Fox, Octopus, Raven, Dingo

Drax: Knives; honestly I’m smaller and weaker than most adults. Knives would be effective.

Groot: probably very. Always a menace✨💀

💥 marvel character asks

iron man: first superhero you ever liked?

spiderman: do you believe in hometown pride?

black widow: would you rather be a secret agent for the heroes or the villains?

hulk: which approach to conflict do you prefer: analytical or physical?

thor: what’s your favourite kind of weather?

captain america: how patriotic are you?

black panther: what’s your favourite sci-fi movie?

ant-man: how tall are you?

bucky barnes: do you have any hidden talents?

captain marvel: on what topic do you and your parents most disagree?

hawkeye: if you had to fight, what would be your weapon of choice?

doctor strange: what’s an occurrence of everyday magic you’ve experienced?

peter quill: is there anyone that underestimates you?

falcon: tell us your feelings on the armed forces.

gamora: if family and success were mutually exclusive, which would you choose?

nebula: do you believe a person can truly change?

wanda: if you could have any superpower, what would you choose and why?

deadpool: tell an offensive joke you feel bad for finding funny.

loki: greatest thing you’ve done on april fool’s day?

venom: what non-mcu marvel character would you love to see in the mcu?

nick fury: how do other people perceive you?

thanos: do you believe in necessary sacrifices? give an example.

rocket: favourite non-domesticated animal?

drax: would you rather fight with fists or knives?

groot: how annoying were you five years ago?

[strawberryspeachy]

I’m really homesick. Its compounded by grief for my mom.

I find myself in another shitty situation. I don’t want to go back the the US because i have no home. I have no job. I have no boyfriend.

I miss my friends and american stuff but i cant afford to live back home

Moreso before I didnt want to watch my mom get worse. Id planned to go back after i took a break. It was so exhausting being the only one trying to keep her there. Cleaning the house. Moving from home and just trying to exist. Im miserable and suicidal and i wanted a break. From being a caretaker and from my psycho family

Then i got here and i didnt get a break. Japan is stupidly hard to live in and then corona ruined my plans. I wanted to feel like i really experienced japan. I wanted to feel accomplished in my job over here. I didnt realize how bad the job i signed up to do was.

Before i could even get a feeling of accomplishment my mom died.

I dont want to live back home without her. What do i do when i go places where i went with here. See things without her. Eat with out her. Plan without her.

She was never in japan and i still cant look a garfeild or snoopy without feeling pain

I cant survive back home without her

But japan sucks. I have no friends. No one wants to be in a relationship with me. Im constantly treated like shit for being a non white woman

Im sick of having gross old men harass me every second of every day

Im sick of women slamming into me and jumping on me and either pretending im not physically in a place and trying to run through me or taking me as a threat and throwing their body into me

Im sick of getting paid less and having my work being credited by others. Of being told that im not qualified or good enough for jobs theyd give a slob who cant even write their own name

Im sick of having to argue with shitty ppl to get checked at the doctor, my phone number or internet in order, to live in a place

Im sick of no insulation and high costs for energy

Im sick of high taxes that dont benefit me

Im sick of construction work ruining my only free time

Im sick of ppl squishing together on public transport

Of robotic ppl who dont care about anyone

Of police harassing me

Im so tired of it. Im home sick. I want halloween. I want normal chit chat when i go to a store. I want to walk in a straight line without ppl running me down. I want american food. I want to be in my car

Im homesick. Im legitimately home sick

But im homesick for a place that literally doesnt exist. My house is gone. My pets are gone. Most importantly my mom is gone. I want my mom. Shes not there. I want to go home. It doesn’t exist

I don’t know what to do with myself

The choice isn’t even rlly mine. Ive pissed off 5 companies by calling them out, calling them out, making them follow the law, making them follow the law, calling them out

And now the newest one is the worst yet. I hate them. I dont want to work as an assistant anymore. I dont wana to work with these horrible dispatches and all the schools want men or white women. Im so angry watching ppl who cant do their jobs be easily given them and kept.

Im tired of fighting. And I don’t think its gonna get my anywhere. I dont want to go back the the states and fall apart… i want to just die

I dont even have my psudomom anymore. She had a stroke and is on the path my mom took…my home away from home didnt a viable option anymore either

Im so miserable

Also to top it off. This school the one where i have the best admin life of any school ever. Its the first school where the students don’t rlly like me. Which sucks. Other schools ive wished i could be more involved with the students homeroom and clubs and trips - now i could. But this student body didnt take to me as well as all the other schools students so even though i can be involved i dont get involved.

I wish i were dead. I hate my life.

I miss my mom

[psychoticallytrans]

hi i hope this isnt a weird question to ask but. uhm tomorrow i have to tell my therapist about a maybe-psychotic-depression episode i had last week and im like, Nervous:tm: and unsure how or what to say? this is probably So stupid to ask but is there. i dont know. a script for this kind of thing, a limit to what i should disclose (im trying to avoid institutionalization, im in college and i cant afford to miss class)? therapy in general is new to me and while ive maybe had episodes like this in the past, the one i had last week was a new level of intense, too, so im just very out of my depth. thank you so much if you reply to this and if you cant thats okay too <3

This took me a long time to get around to. This probably won't help you in particular, anon, but I hope it helps others.

I will disclaim before this post that I have had extremely traumatic experiences in therapy. I came out of therapy with more disabilities and more severe ones than when I went in, and at least one of my therapists can be pinned as a direct cause. That will color this post.

The problem of therapy and disclosure is that... therapists are people, and they are people whose word holds an incredible amount of sway when considering how to act in regards to their clients. That sway is a problem because of how ableism and specifically saneism interact with the medical industry and with society. We are not seen as arbiters of our experiences. They are seen as the authorities on us. Everything you disclose will be filtered through the therapist, all of their prejudices and preconceptions, before it becomes something that the medical system will take seriously.

Amplifying this is the unavailability of therapy and how very few therapists are also mentally ill. If they are, it's even rarer to find one with a disorder that is considered "threatening"- for a reason. The inventor of DBT was BPD, and the second she revealed this, she was essentially exiled from her community. This means, in order, that a) a lot of people have to either adapt to their therapist or go without therapy and b) that therapists can very rarely actually relate to the experiences of clients that need heavy-duty help.

They might be presented as cutesy and "just here to help", but therapists are still medical professionals administering medical treatment with medical authority, and should be treated by disabled people with every caution that you treat a normal doctor with.

As such, this is my advice.

a) Don't disclose any heavy duty symptoms or trauma until you've tested them on some lighter topics, and they've handled them well. "Well" means not denying your experiences, respecting boundaries that you put up, and not acting like mental illness being in your head means you can think yourself well in a few hours. To define "heavy duty" generally, think about what you would put behind a trigger warning for an audience of adults.

b) Don't sign anything without reading it in full. If you don't understand it, tell them you need time to understand it before you can sign it. If they respond to this by telling you to just sign it or that it's not important, that should send alarm bells clanging in your head.

c) Request your medical record. Even if you're not concerned about your therapist, it lets you see their notes. It can be very informative.

d) If they pass as a decent person, then only one disclosure should get you institutionalization: confessing that you are going to hurt yourself or another person. If you can't afford institutionalization, and this is a problem for you, then you are going to have to find ways to deal with that without telling your therapist that. This is actually very easy. As long as you don't tell them that the feeling is current, you can ask for advice. "I sometimes have problems with wanting to hurt myself. Can you help me?" or "I worry that I might do harm to other people- what can I do to avoid that?" are great ways to phrase it that should still get you help as long as you can keep them in the past or future tense. If either of these is an active problem for you, seek whatever help you safely can.

e) Understand that therapy is medical treatment. It is very possible to perform great healing with it. It is also very possible to perform great medical malpractice.

You only have one mind. Be careful who you trust with it.

[feeling-uncomfy]

SO.

I'm blaming @mindless-monochrome and @trademarked-but-not-really for this but also thank you for the angst :))

I tried to keep as close to cannon as I could for the most part, but I indulged in a little towards middle/end because Tokoyami needs some love dammit >://

Brb I'm gonna go sleep for 24hrs

Let's go!

Tokoyami looked at Mina as explosions rang out from above the surface. Mina seemed to be hiding any anxieties she had well, and Tokoyami was grateful. The last thing they needed was Dark Shadow going bonkers in the dark. Mina sent a grin his way before a woman came falling down.

Mina shot some acid her way. Tokoyami told her to stay back. This was his territory after all. Tokoyami couldn't help the fear that built up when the woman had called him cocky, though. Mainly because she was correct. He wasnt as skilled as she was.

Tokoyami quickly got to work, either way. He had to deal with the threat quickly, otherwise Mina and the others may be put in danger. He couldn't stand for that. The woman knew what she was doing, however. Tokoyami found himself covered in gashes and cuts in minutes, trying to get a solid hit in was a no go. He barely dodged well aimed swipes.

A flash of red, and Tokoyami was jumping back, his collar bone getting sliced. He fell backwards, swearing loudly. He just needed a little more time, just a little more...

Finally, the woman's hair was reduced to short spikes. They had gotten rid of her weapon. Now Dark Shadow could get in close and restrain her, and they could join the others and assist in stopping the main villain, even if Tokoyami found it hard to walk. He was fine.

He didnt take into account that the woman would still use what remained of her hair, and Dark Shadow was sent backwards, hissing in pain. The shards were sent around wildly.

Tokoyami's eyes widened as he heard Mina scream in pain. He turned quickly to see her falling, hitting each and every stop along the way. He was frozen in pure fear for a hot minute, until he forced himself to run over, images of the summer camp flashing through his mind. He'd let enough classmate suffer already for his sake, and now Mina was hurt.

Tokoyami checked her over. 'Please dont be dead, please be okay...' Mina was breathing, she was injured, but alive. It was his fault. He felt anger and shame rising up, Dark Shadow pulling on his control like a dog would a leash. Tokoyami let loose. 'I hope the others are having an easier time than us...' was his last coherent thought before it went black.

It hurt just as much as last time, being wrapped up in shadow to the point where Tokoyami couldn't breathe properly. Hawks had taught him breathing exercises for when things like this happened. He prayed they would be enough.

Sunlight crashed through suddenly, and Tokoyami saw the woman disappearing. He turned to Mina, feeling numb and tired. He dragged himself over, and tried to cover her as the rocks fell and crushed them both instinctively. A particularly large rock smacked down on his head, and Tokoyami groaned in pain as his conscious faded quickly.

Hawks stood in the hospital room, restless. Normally around now, he would be annoying his intern and trying to teach him something. Now, he was stuck investigating a case while his bird bro was off on an island.

That reminded him, Hawks needed to call his intern. Hawks had jokingly promised he would fly over and embarrass Tokoyami if he didnt answer his texts, but now that it had been a solid seventy two hours scince his intern had clocked in, Hawks found himself getting worried. His phone buzzed, and he excused himself.

"The island of Nabu is being attacked by villains!" Hawks's eyes widened. His intern was on that island. Without thinking, he took off down the hallway, kicked the door open and started flying. "Notify U.A! Class 1A has been assigned to that island for a government project."

Hawks flew faster, getting worried. His intern could be in danger. Hell, knowing Tsukuyomi, he had risked his life and was already dying. He let out a huff of exasperation, but sped up again. Hawks could only hope he'd get there in time to find him.

Tokoyami was shaken awake. His head was pounding, and every bit of him told him to go back asleep. Mina hissed in pain, and Tokoyami was awake. He stare upwards at the rocks around them. Mina did too. "No one will be able to find us down here... what'll we do?" Tokoyami went to shrug, looking down at Mina. She hadn't sat up, looking ready to slip off again.

"Rest, Mina. You're hurt. I'll take care of this." Tokoyami hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. Mina slurred out something along the lines of "Are you sure...?" And despite the fact that Tokoyami wanted anything but to be left alone, he nodded and the cave fell silent.

Tokoyami moved slightly, and bit down a whimper of pain. Everything felt like it was on fire. Tokoyami begged for it to stop as he pushed through some rocks. Dark Shadow helped a lot, and soon enough they could see daylight again. Tokoyami's body was in excruciating pain, though he forced himself to move forward.

There was a sudden mini avalanche to his left, and his leg was crushed under the rubble. Tokoyami couldn't stop the scream of pain that escaped him. Fuck, it hurt so much. He begged it to stop. His conscious was fading in and out again. He looked down at Mina, another wave of pain and exhaustion hitting him so hard he slipped and fell back. He couldn't move, the adrenaline from the fight had gone.

Trying his hardest to keep his fist above the rock, he closed his eyes. Someone had to find them, Tokoyami begged for someone to find them. Mina had to get to a doctor, and fast. Tokoyami tried moving again. Nothing.

Hawks flew in, scanning the area. He could see the destruction from a mile away. It's probably the problem-children Eraserhead warned him about. Hawks huffed and flew around the island. He saw two kids falling. "Oh shit..." Hawks processed what he just saw as he watched them get closer to the ground.

It clicked. "Wait, fuck!" He sent feathers out to break their fall. Yeah, definitely the problem-children. Hawks continued to search. Where would his kid be if there was a large-scale battle like this... Hawks stopped. He flew towards a cave-in on the ground.

He saw lots and lots of rubble. He heard helicopters fly overhead as he spotted it. A hand. Hawks panicked as it fell back under. Hawks flew down to where he had seen it. "Kid?! Kid, are you down there?" There wasnt a response. Hawks swore and started digging.

It took a while. Hawks got more and more worried. What if he didnt get down to his student in time? What if that hand falling was the last of his strength leaving him...? No, no, Hawks couldn't afford to think like that. His student was strong. His kid would get through this.

His kid...

Hawks said the words over again. He shook his head and continued digging, his arms tired slightly, his hands not used to the labour. He heard a cough from close by. "Tokoyami? Kid, that you?" He couldn't help the relief that washed over him as he saw his kid again. He was covered in light injuries, but he seemed okay.

Hawks spoke too soon. He winced as he noticed the teens eyes wouldnt stay open all the way, continuously closing and the student seemed to try stay conscious. Tokoyami looked up at him, coughing again. "...Hawks? What are you doing here...?" Hawks breathed a sigh of relief, smiling to himself. "I'm here to help. I brought assistance, too." He looked down at Mina, only noticing her now.

"Is she alright?" Though Hawks didnt find himself as concerned, he thought he should ask anyways. Tokoyami jumped a little, and manoeuvred to pick her up. Hawks noticed Tokoyami hissing in pain and clenching his teeth. "She hit her head, and might have a concussion? Anyway, she needs a doctor as soon as possible." Tokoyami was pale— well, paler than usual, and he tried to stand up.

Hawks had to catch the two kids as Tokoyami's leg gave out. Hawks heard a small gasp of pain leave his student, and he got worried. "Kid, you both need doctors. We'll get you both out of here, okay?" Tokoyami shook his head and tried to stand again. "Mina needs it more than I, sir. We cant afford to—" Hawks noticed something coming towards them. "Tokoyami—!"

He didnt finish his sentence as his kid was sent crashing down again with a cry of pain. There were red spikes piercing his shoulders and back. Hawks sent feathers down the cave without thinking. He moved Mina behind him and held onto Tokoyami securely as whoever attacked them yelled in agony. 'Good.' Hawks thought bitterly. Tokoyami was shaking, still trying to will himself to move.

Hawks placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Hey, hey, it's fine..." Comforting people had never been Hawks's strong suit, but he had to try for his kid. Tokoyami shook his head, rapidly losing consciousness and blood. "Gotta....keep...Mina....safe....c...cant..."

Hawks blinked down at his kid. He turned back to Mina, who was still out. "She's okay, you did good." Hawks rubbed circles into Tokoyami's shoulder. Tokoyami's eyes were glazed over. Hawks sighed again. This kid wasnt going to give in until his friend was safe, huh?

Hawks shifted and showed him Mina. "See? She's safe, and we're going to get you both medical help. Okay?" Hawks reassured his kid. Tokoyami seemed to want to argue, but had to bite back another noise of pain. Hawks simply ran a hand through his kids feathers.

Tokoyami let out a series of noises that weren't human sounding. Hawks paused. "Did you just..." Hawks looked down at his kid in amazement. Tokoyami let out more chirps of distress. Hawks sighed. He chirps back, and was amazed by the immediate affect it had. Damn, he should've tried this earlier. Tokoyami was put at ease by the sounds and stopped struggling to move.

Hawks watched the kid for a little while longer. Tokoyami tenses as another wave of pain floods him, more pained chirps leaving him. "Hey, it's okay. You can go to sleep now. You're both safe." Hawks is right there, and Tokoyami let's his eyes shut. 'Its only for a few moments.' He tells himself.

Hawks watches his kid fall under, going slack in his grip. He let's out a breath. Damn, this kid was exactly like him. And part of Hawks wanted to yell at him for it. Guess he knew why Edgeshot and Best Jenist yelled at him now. He turned towards where the spikes had come from. Speaking of the others...

"Hawks!" Endeavor and some other hero is calling down to him. He looks up and grins. "Heya, I got two here. And one of the villains." He called up. Endeavor nods. "Is Shouto down there?" Hawks shakes his head, and Endeavor frowns. Hawks sets Mina into a stretcher and waits until Mina is halfway up to start flying up, Tokoyami held tight in his arms. Hawks doesn't like how light he is, but that's a question for another day.

Mina is awake as Hawks gets to the top, and she smiles at Tokoyami in Hawks arms. Hawks gives her a thumbs up and starts walking towards a doctor. Tokoyami shifts again, eyes opening. Hawks groans. Tokoyami had barely closed his eyes. "Kid, go back to sleep." Tokoyami shakes his head and goes to move, wincing in pain. "I can walk."

Hawks raised an eyebrow. "Really? I'm not even sure you can stand." Tokoyami huffs, and shifts out of Hawks's arms. There's definitely pain shooting up Tokoyami's legs, but the pain is the only thing keeping him conscious right now. Tokoyami shuts his eyes tight, feeling nauseous and sore. He wont give in, though. Hawks nods as Tokoyami shoots him a smug look.

Hawks doesn't budge. "Let go of my jacket, and if you can still stand, I'll let you try walk." Tokoyami stops. His grip on Hawks's jacket if the only thing keeping his upright. And they both knew that. Tokoyami reluctantly let's go, and his leg screams in agony. Tokoyami almost does too. But even though his whole being is shaking in pain, he's standing.

Hawks swears quietly, but backs off. "Fine, you can walk the rest of the way." He doesnt want him to, though. Tokoyami doesn't even get a step in. He puts his weight on his bad leg, and pain shoots through him, and Tokoyami's whole world turns upside down, bile rising in his throat. Hawks doesnt hesitate, catching him as his kid falls with a yell. Hawks is cursing himself for letting him try, obviously hes too hurt for something like this, Hawks isnt going to let him go again.

Hawks picks him up again. Tokoyami goes quietly, other than a few weak noises of pain. His eyes are already dropping, closing as he drifts off again. Hawks just holds him slightly closer. He approaches the doctor, who goes to take Tokoyami off of him to examine his wounds. Hawks surprises both himself and the doctor by pulling back, not letting him near. The doctor tries again. Hawks steps back on instinct.

"Sir, I need to see him to heal him." The doctor said, reading for him. Hawks takes another step back. "Sir, please!" Recovery Girl hobbles over, and pokes Hawks's shin. "Set him down on the bed, Hawks." She points over at the bed, and Hawks moves over, setting him down.

The doctor goes to touch Tokoyami, and Hawks slaps his hand away. Jesus, what's wrong with him? Recovery Girl shakes her head and shoves the doctor off. She moves closer to Tokoyami, and swats Hawks hand away when he reaches to stop her.

Eventually, Recovery Girl uses her quirk. Tokoyami was completely out now, breathing even and light. Hawks had practically scrambled to pick Tokoyami up when another doctor came in. They apologised, and quickly left.

Hawks carried his kid to the rest of the class, which expressed their panic over another unconscious classmate. Hawks stepped back and gripped tighter when they get closer. Jeeze, he really needed to stop. But alas, he stayed the whole day, keeping a constant grip on Tokoyami.

The class turned in for the night, all exhausted and sore from the days battle. Hawks stayed up, telling himself he was watching the whole class. Tokoyami moved halfway through the night, groaning as he woke up. Hawks jumped up. Tokoyami looked around for a second before jumping up, wincing in pain.

Hawks had a hand on his shoulder, pushing him down gently. Tokoyami didnt go easily, and Hawks tried to calm him down. "Kid, hey. Its alright, you're alright..." Hawks's heart may have shattered when Tokoyami let out a sound of pure fear.

Hawks watched his intern curl into a ball. Tokoyami's breathing was off, and he was shaking. Hawks reached out to help, to do something, anything. Tokoyami let out a sob and Hawks's could've cried himself. He shushed his kid and sat up on the bed, wrapping his wings around Tokoyami. Once his wings were effectively covering Tokoyami, Hawks brought his arms gently around his back.

Tokoyami was tense, his hands trembled as tears flowed down his cheeks. Hawks let out a series of chirps, rubbing up and down Tokoyami's back, who responded with shaky chirps of his own. They went back and forth like this for a while, until eventually Tokoyami's breathing returned to normal. He was leaning heavily on Hawks's side, eyes closing.

Hawks smiled, and ran his hand up and down Tokoyami's back in circles. "Its fine, you're allowed to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." Hawks voice was barely above a whisper. Tokoyami blinked sleepily up at him. "Promise?" Hawks was taken aback by how quite and... childlike his voice was. Tokoyami sounded like someone his own age, for once. Hawks smiled again, and squeezed his shoulder softly.

"I promise."

Hawks wasnt sure when he had drifted off, but when Bakugo got up because Kirishima and Denki were freaking out and caught them snoozing, Tokoyami completely hidden, he said nothing.

When Yayorozu calmly walked over to Jirou, who was clutching her ears in pain and saw, she didn't wake them. When Iida practically hurled himself over to Midoryia and Uraraka in fear, no one stopped them.

Aziawa came in around six thirty to check on them, and by that time they had all joined together on the couch. Aziawa let himself smile at the sight. He saw Hawks conked out, no sign of Tokoyami. He saw the wing move and it clicked. He sighed and fixed some blanked on the kids. He heard the door open and turned around.

Katsuma and Mahoro were standing at the door. Aziawa said nothing, and let them in. He was surprised to find that Katsuma was holding Edgeshot's hand, but then he saw the badge on his bag and understood. He left them alone, and resumed his spot outside the front door, acting as their bodyguard.

The next morning was slightly chaotic, as the class freaked out, thinking that Shouji had disappeared overnight, only to remember he wasnt able to move properly yet so he had stayed in bed. He was still grateful they checked on him, though.

Hawks woke up to Bakugo and Iida arguing, and moved to get up, but stopped. He still had a snoozing Tokoyami wrapped in his arms. He looked a lot better, Hawks noted. Hawks smiled. His kid had gotten some decent rest in the end. Mina came over, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

Hawks grinned at her. "Um, I just wanted to say, well, Todoroki reminded me..." she pointed over her shoulder to Todoroki, who was listening to Denki explain something. Hawks nodded. "Thank you for saving us. I got really worried for a second there." She looked at Tokoyami, and smiled. Hawks noticed it seemed a lot more genuine than the ones she had given out earlier.

Tokoyami yawned and opened and eye, immediately closing it again. Mina laughed and turned to walk away. "I heard from Shouji he gets cranky in the mornings, so good luck!" Hawks waved her off. Tokoyami's simply pillowed his head in Hawks side, ready to back to sleep.

Hawks laughed softly and poked his interns head. "Hey now, you're gonna miss breakfast." Hawks heard Tokoyami mumble something, shaking his head. Hawks laughed again. "I'll pick you up and bring you over, I mean it!" Tokoyami pulled his head out and stared up at him, his expression was hard to read.

"Thanks for not leaving." The words were spoken quietly, but they were genuine. Hawks melted on the spot. "Aww, kiddo. I promised I wouldnt leave ya. I dont break promises if I can help it." Tokoyami shrugged, and hugged Hawks. Hawks froze, Tokoyami was never this affectionate. Hawks smiled and returned the hug.

"Now let me sleep." Tokoyami buried his head back in Hawks's side, and pulled the blankets over himself. Hawks let out a loud laugh, gaining the others attention. "You were right, Ashido." He grinned at the girl. "He really is moody in the mornings." Denki snorted, and Mina burst out laughing.

Soon, everyone was laughing and chatting like normal fucking kids. 'As they should' Hawks thought to himself. He hefted Tokoyami over his shoulder, holding him in one arm. Tokoyami gave a shout of alarm and complained the whole way over, but was silenced by Bakugo's pancakes.

Hawks grinned and laughed along with the kids, a wing subtly draped over Tokoyami, who seemed grateful. Hawks sighed, content for the first time since he received that phone call.

This was nice.

Well, it was until he had to leave. Hawks really didn't want to, afraid that of he turns away, Tokoyami and his class might get hurt again. Tokoyami assures him they'll be fine, even though Recovery Girl told Tokoyami to go back to bed as he was still concussed. In fact, many of the kids were left concussed. Hawks was worried about how wrong this could've gone....

Tokoyami was dragged back to bed by Mina, who promised Hawks she'd keep an eye on him. "After all, I owe him for taking care of me! Did you know he took the brute of the rocks collapsing?" Hawks stopped, and so did Tokoyami. "Ashido, wait—" Tokoyami tried to stop her, but she was on a roll now. She explained the fight in detail, and how they messed up.

"Yeah! The whole cave was coming down on top of us, but he still protected me! When I woke up..." Mina trailed off, looking unsure. She squeezed Tokoyami's hand tighter. "What? What happened?" Hawks was going to kill his intern either way, might as well hear the whole thing.

"...I honestly wasnt sure if he was alive or not. If Dark Shadow hadn't come out, I would've been convinced he was... yaknow...." Mina trailed off, staring at Tokoyami. Hawks raised his eyebrows in surprise. Mina continued.

"Man, I feel bad. After all that, he told me I was hurt and needed to rest. He ended up clearing us a mini path to safety." Tokoyami shifted uncomfortably, eyes on them. Hawks looked at his kid, who avoided eye contact. Hawks shook his head.

"So not only did you fight a villan head-on in you're own, get crushed by rocks, you then had the audacity to try tell me you were fine. Tokoyami I—" Hawks begun his lecture, only to be cut off.

"Tokoyami Fumikage get your ass to a bed right now before I make you!" Aziawa had come in at one point, Midoryia in tow. He already had one self-sacrificing child trying to help. Now there were two. Hawks watched in astonishment as Tokoyami stuttered.

"Wait— Mr. Aziawa, I'm fine— I swear—" Aziawa just grabbed Tokoyami's uninjured arm and dragged him upstairs. "First Midoryia, now you? Wait, where's Bakugo?" His voice trailed off as the three disappeared upstairs. Hawks laughed as he heard Bakugo curse from the balcony.

Mina laughed with him. "I'll make sure he stays in bed, promise!" She smiled up at the hero. Hawks grinned back. "Dont forget to take care of yourself too." Mina nodded. "Obviously, I'm not stupid like those guys—"

"Shouji, I swear to god! I said dont move! And what did you do? One job, kid, you had one job!" Aziawa shouted from upstairs.

Denki and Sero howled with laughter, though it dissolved into groans as their wounds were bothering them. Jirou simply buried her head sleepily into Yayorozu's sweater. Iida was dragged into a pillow fort made by Uraraka and Asui.

"Hawks!" Endeavor called from the front door. He, like Hawks, hadn't been able to let go of Shouto, who seemed uncomfortable, and a little frustrated. Hawks sighed and looked at Mina. "A hero's job is never done. Take care of Tsukuyomi for me, will ya?" Mina nodded as Hawks left the building.

Mina watched over Tokoyami like a hawk (according to Mina the pun was intended) and in no time at all they were returning to U.A, and classes begun again.

Tokoyami walked into his dormitory room and flopped onto his bed. He heard Bakugo yelling, and Midoryia laughing nervously. Tokoyami sighed and melted into his bed.

Yeah, it was good to be back home.

Jesus this took forever...

I ended up not sleeping for 24hrs and adding to this so it's got more words (22608) so hdhdjdhd I'm sorry

I'm gonna go eat my body weight in food and try sleep more but I regret nothing!!

[goddess-ofthe-underworld]

This post has nothing to do with what I normally post, however is why I haven't been posting. You dont have to read it. This is just my place to vent and the closest I can get to screaming into oblivion I suppose..

My husband and I moved all the way from mid Wisconsin to the bottom of Texas and are staying with my in laws, husbands mother and step father. Since we have been here, my FIL has shown that he is very much the 'if you odnt do things my way, its wrong', 'well I have ms and can do this so you can to or you aren't trying', 'holier than thou' type.

Now for background incase anyone is actually reading this, I have been diagnosed with depression, major anxiety, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, and am going to be tested to see if I am on the autism spectrum. I have suffered horribly over the years with all of these disorders, been in therapy for 8 years, and on the correct/best so far med combination for about 8months which now has been messed wit again because I cant afford my adhd prescription. So my daily life is fucking hard. I have worked very hard to deal with my anger, to be able to pull logic up faster than I have in the past, to be able to push my emotions to the side and to think about things logically and not just with my emotions or in black and white. I have spent years working on taming the rage in me.

My father in law destroyed all of that progress in 30 minutes.

Our car became unsafe so we had to get a new one. My MIL helped us with that and we thanked her very much for that! She set us up with the dealership, she got us a deal on it and we have thanked her multiple times for that. Now, just after simply talking to the man, not even signing papers, my father in law stayed behind and made the man doubt that we could afford it to the point where the man had asked us no less than ten times if we really could afford it or not because of my FIL. When he got back from making the salesman doubt us, he began to raise his voice at us saying how we needed to be straight forward with him about our finances, how we need to do this and that and I started to shut down. I knew what was coming. He turned to me and started going on about how i could work for my new aunt, when i had told him no five times already,my MIL told him she will not let me do that because my new aunt is a mess and she doesn't want me in that position. Now mind you before we moved here, we made it known to them that I havent worked or drove in four years due to all of my mental illness and a bad car accident I got into. They knew that the only way we'd come is if they were ok with that and could be understanding and not judging of it. So I said to him no I will not work for her. I've told you no already no means no. She he smiles and glares at me and said oh yeah? Why not? Yet again I start explaining my mental health, and he cuts me off and ✨yells✨ at me that if it's so bad I need to get on disability for it or get a fucking job already. I was shaking with anger, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw things at him, I wanted to choke him. I was in a rage. I was able to control myself enough to where all I did was yell at him that I had an appointment in a few days to talk to my doctor about just that, but that it's none of his business and I walked away. My MIL yelled at him, it was a mess.

Since then, our car salesman had told us to take them to dinner and hed count it as a downpayment payment so we did. I had one drink and my FIL told me I shouldn't drink with all of the medications I take. I take two at the moment because I cant afford the rest and I took them 7+ hours previous to this one drink I was having that i have done multiple times and i know it is safe for me to do so.

Again I stayed quiet, I pulled myself together and said, well that us why if I'm going to drink I make sure that I take my medication plenty early so that it wont interact. He rolled his eyes and said well as long as you dont get sloppy and start issues. Didnt know you drank.

Now I have had one single drink at dinner in front of him and my MIL multiple times now, so why he said that I have no idea.

The way this man has been acting has been explained to me that he words things wrong, he tries to joke and it comes out wrong. Excuses are constantly made for his behavior towards me. Now I happened to know that he was upset at an aunt of mine for getting wasted and talking poorly about him and he was taking his anger out on me. And again, that was the excuse made, oh it wasnt directed at you.

The other night, my husband and I sat down and had long conversation and decided we would go back to Wisconsin. We sat down with his mother and mid conversation my FIL came out and said he hoped it was going good and when we wanted hed say his piece, and my MIL said well no it's going good apparently. And he looked at me and said well we aren't forcing you to stay here.

That's when I first felt things coming undone inside of me. This had been brewing for about a month now. I was twisting and pulling on my fingers to try to keep myself grounded as I raised my voice and said, no I know, that's why we are leaving because of you. He smiled an evil smile and frowned at the time and told me not to blame him for my short comings in life, and began to go off. He said the person who does the least should say the least.

My husband put his arm in front of me and I felt more things inside me come undone and I snapped. I told him to shut up before I beat his ass. My MIL told me not to and told him to go away and let us talk. He continued to look at me with that twisted look on his face and continued to talk shit. I honest to Gods can't tell you what he said after that because I saw red. The room was spinning and I lunged for him and my husband had to hold me back. I screamed at him that he was a piece of shit and to shut up, that I was going to kick his ass. Everything I knew on how to control myself and my rage went out the window in less than 30 minutes. My MIL was yelling at him to leave as he backed away from me while my husband held me back. I continued screaming until he left the room and then i sobbed angry tears. I could not believe that my wonderful mother in law was married to a man like that.

I apologized to her and I told her that I meant what I said to him, but I am sorry to her for how I acted. She said she understood and wasnt mad at me. My husband and I left the house until my FIL left and now I am heading back to wisconsin by myself because my husband has things here in texas to take care of before he can come with me.

Aside from that, my father in law has said that we dont pay bills here when we pay 500 a month for rent, 80 to help with food which we had spent over this month already, and we help buy toiletries. But he says we dont pay bills, we dont help with food.

He has also lied to my mother in law and said he didnt know I have an issue with multiple noises because I will hyper focus to the point of getting a headache when I have told him once myself, my husband has told him once verbally, and most recently about a week ago maybe through text. But my father in law told my mother in law that he had no idea and my mother in law even read the texts my husband sent and believes my father in law is telling the truth.

We have no money to do this, we have a car payment coming up, I have no idea how we are going to make it, I feel like my marriage is going to suffer, I'm worried about what will be said while I am gone. My MIL thinks things can be fixed, and I dont know maybe in time but right now I dont see it, and I know my limits with my mental illness and I know what will happen if I stay.

I dont know how to find peace anymore. I dont know how to find happiness. My husband believes that that isnt how he meant for things to be, but I've had a new aunt of mine tell me she has had feelings very similar to this with my FIL and that that is why she stays away.

I dont know what to do.

If you've made it this far, please send blessings of positivity my way, please pray, whatever your thing is.

I am tired.

[mysme-hcs]

ummm rfa and minor trio taking care of a sick mc? (if you’d like to do it!!)

Yoosung: 

He’d be so flustered

baby can barely handle himself when he is sick 

but boy loves you more then he can fathom 

so he calls his mom 

he hurries and buys stuff for soup and chocolate milk…

he makes you the soup his mom used to make him when he was sick

He would try to cuddle up with you 

And you wanted to accept it,, but you didn’t want to get him sick. 

he would whine the typical Yoosung way and give you puppy dog eyes

YoUr WeAkNeSs

you accepted and you both fell asleep in each others brace..

until Yoosung started sneezing 

JuminWhat is sick?This dude is so pristine i dont think hes ever gotten a common coldits to commoner for him istgbut he sees somethings wrong and stops work Im sorry Jaehee rip. Tries to call the doctor but you have to stop him poor bb doesnt understand MOM I LOVE HIM You ask him for soup and the medicine you need to takehe of course complies and you get it asap>he also takes the medicine like a smart boy before going in to cuddle you^This helps him fight the virus as its happening so he doesnt get sick or as sickElizabeth Jumin and you just all stay in bed happy family.

Zen 

He hears your sick and literally runs to your house 

MY PRINCE/SS NEEDS HER KNIGHT !!!

Its sweet i promise 

he makes soup,,,kinda

he buys soup on the way to your house and heats it up

he gives you medicine and lets you eat your soup before you’re attacked

by his love....duh

this dude is proven he heals fast and never gets sick

so he holds you and kisses you more then he normally does to make you feel better...

and if you ask...Which we all know you would...He will sing for you. 

Jaehee

ShE AdOreS YoU BuT sHE CAnT AfFoRD SiCk dAyS

So she wears a face mask and no hugs.. :(

She makes you honey tea and Soup 

Jaehee also just goes around and sprays your house with Lysol for you 

She puts on one of Zen’s musicals before letting you sleep

She non creepily but admiringly watches you sleep before covering you with a blanket 

She makes extra soup with instructions on how to heat it up in the fridge

She also leaves her secret tea recipe for you 

Baehee is what im trying to say WIFE

Seven

This dude is another one who cant afford a sick day 

But he does it anyway 

He has to ask Zen what to do bc that meme only knows how to eat chips and soda 

HoW iS HE AliVe

he finally gets soup and medicine and brings it to you 

he barely lets you finish before he is holding you tight..

“MC dont Die on me ... I need youwuwuwuwu.” 

“Sev, its just a cold shut up.” 

He holds you super tight and doesnt do much work....much to Vanderwoods dismay

Like i said earlier he only eats chips so his immune system is crap sooo,, good luck taking care of this sick boy...

Jihyun

Jihyun is probably the most experience taking care of someone sick 

He’d come over right away with your favorite food for later and soup for you now

He would quickly wrap you in a hug asking if you were okay 

He would make you sit down on the couch 

He would put blankets over you 

Jihyun got you water and asprin 

Putting on low calming music he’d get the soup for you letting you rest 

When the soup was ready he woke you up and let you eat 

hed stay with you as long as youd like him to 

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

[jaxcns]

y’all know this mans? yuh.. really gets ya thinkin that men might deserve rights after all huh? i mean they dont but it makes ya think! anyway.. i’m urayai ( uri for short ), eighteen, she/her, and from bumfuck nowhere usa over in the est timezone. we livin in a winter wonderland over here rn issa nightmare :) if ya feelin the vibe now then check out my statistics page yuh maybe i went the extra mile MXDDDN! anyway if ya poppin ya p*ssi to nct, love wastin time playin the sims, or are prayin for both taes scalps then smash that heart! we need validation in order to live in this economy laid ease!

basic details

( wong yukhei, cismale, he/him ) — meet jaxon wu, the nineteen year old sophomore at washington state university. i heard that the hedonist is a literature major who spends most of their time either practicing on the soccer field or interning at dorrance publishing two days a week. if you ask around, you’ll find out that the scorpio was born on october 28th, that the last song they listened to was uncomfortable by chase atlantic, and that they currently live in the kappa zeta nu fraternity house. ever since the death of carter hayes though, the only thing anyone can seem to recall when it comes to them is that they used to share a room with him at the frat house.

+ smoke-filled lungs, constellations in his eyes, denim jackets, disappearing acts that rival houdini, heart-shaped boxes, thumb rings, lazy grins, broken promises, and rainy mornings.

full sleeve on his right arm plus a chest piece in progress

ears and nose pierced but he doesnt always rock the nose

emotionally stable? no. financially stable? also no.

on an athletic scholarship for soccer but he loves hockey more so its #emohours

plays soccer, hockey, and baseball

loves the finer things in life but can barely afford the free breadsticks at olive garden ja feel

hes a snake who loves that 5 finger discount

selfish but also too invested in people he cares for

impatient as hell like.. chile

middle child ya he was dealt only the best cards in life

loves space and conspiracy theories #wow so original amirite

gets super obsessive over projects hes def a perfectionist

bisexual / bitter / bilingual

mom is a bank tell and dad is a professor at boston u

not very close to his older brother since hes off gettin his doctorates degree

very close to his little sister tho they’ve always been best friends

enjoys goin on hikes to clear his head

other than writing he also enjoys all other things creative like painting, drawing, sculpting, photography, etc

he attends a weekly art class in the city

he def dabbles in drugs so if ya lookin he can probs hook ya up

he was carters roommate 

ADAMANT — stubborn as shitttttt like fr. once he sets his mind on sumn and believes hes completely right cant be wrong then theres no changin his mind! at all! even if he realizes later that he was wrong he’d rather lower himself into the grave than admit it. he’ll also argue with you til the ends of the earth until the bitch literally dont have vocal chords anymore!

CONFIDENT — if i could’ve picked an alternate label for him then it woulda been the bellwether. he always carries himself with confidence which he gets from wearin nice clothes and accessories plus always bein well groomed ig? like his hair is always done, you’ll never find a speck of dirt on his shoes, that type of shit. even when his hair is messy it was done that way he would never go outside lookin like a wreck so jot that down!

IMPETUOUS — this bitch reckless af! he does things to benefit himself and only himself most of the time without taking into consideration other peoples feelings or how it might impact them. thats not to say that he doesnt regret it after the fact but lbr he normally? doesnt? see: selfish. hes just tryna get ahead tryna get dat coin tryna get him sum gucci slides!

PETULANT — sulky, bad-tempered, etc is jax thru and thru! and he aint afraid to take everyone down with him either. hes def the type to stir up drama ngl but he’ll back it up too and he aint afraid to throw hands! hes been in his fair share of fights and with his shiny new fake id y’all been knew hes been in more than one bar fight with more to come i’m sure!

plot ideas

MUSE — pretty self explanatory i think? this person just ignites fuckin inspiration for him whether it be thru takin pictures of them, writing about them, filmin them, drawin them, etc etc. jax always knows that when hes in a slump he can find them and that shit will come back as quick as flippin on a light switch!

RIDE OR DIE(S) — y’all already know wtf it is! we love those friends who just talk shit with each other, those that’ll go to bat for one another, but also arent afraid to be like “yo step back ur gettin a lil outta line” ja feel? literally gimme all that!

ANGST — i live for anything angsty tbh like im one of those bitches that gets bored when things are goin too well for my chara so i need someone to fuck that shit up fam!

RELATIONSHIPS — im here for it all! im talkin enemies, friends, rommates, party buddies, smokin buddies, fwb, exes, partners in crime, etc etc! im here and ready to snatch em all up!

TEAMMATES — jax plays hockey, soccer, and baseball so if ur chara does too then? uhhhh we def gotta plot cause we could go any way with the teammates thing like imagine teammates who hate each other and purposely try to hurt one another durin practices.. ugh we love pettiness!

ADVENTURE BUDDIES — hiking, goin to abandoned / haunted places, spontaneous road trips, etc! need someone or multiple people who’re down to just drop everything and go. doesnt even matter where tbh they’re just always up for a lil adventure.

SEESAW — lemme be basic for a sec ok just hol on! i rlly want a plot based off of yoongis song seesaw where maybe the two of them were together and at first it was great but then they just fell out for wtvr reason and obvs didnt wanna be together anymore. neither of them wanted to let go tho maybe it was like a comfort thing? so they just kept repeatin their same old shit and actin like everything was cool until one of them finally took the step and ended it just.. ik there’d be angst ik it and i need it!

PARADISE — the new song by chase atlantic! bitch! i felt it in my soul maybe i cried? jax dabbles in literally everything hes truly a mess so havin someone who just checks on him would rip my soul in half? someone who gives him a call randomly in the middle of a sunday night and is just like “hey ya been ok? not fallin back on bad habits are u?” shit like that. it would def be a thing where he falls a lil bit in love with them because its smth hes not used to tho that def doesnt mean at all that they feel that way about him! it can unrequited i dont rlly care tbh.

ik i forgot sum shit and ik this is a damn m e s s but if ya wanna plot then just lms and i’ll hit ya up! we can brainstorm or pick from one of our wcs idc just give this h*e sum plots i’ll literally die without em? im def the type whos down to prettymuch™ fill anything so if ya got a plot that ur rlly wantin but no one seems to be takin then give it to me i’ll 100% take it lmao! ya im desperate what about it?

[heyitsharbor]

fucking just. need to vent. about a lot of things. so tags have some cws. dont read unless you really want to lmfao

one time i actually feel like i have something i need to talk to my therapist abt and i cant for two weeks. and thats if he wont message me to say 'hey can we reschedule bc its labor day' even tho he has the day open on his scheduler. and then itll be 3 weeks bc i have no other days i can see him.

and i just. like. sorry! i cant. like. yeah. whatever. im allowed to be sad. doesnt mean it helps to be sad with no way to fucking deal with it because i dont fucking know how to process grief especially not alone. my family doesnt process shit unless im the one handling it for them so yeah ill comfort my mom about how hard it is for her now my cats gone .

and ill push and push and push for our other cat to get her appt bc my dad doesnt fucking think its necessary to go to the vet for an ear infection (because he doesnt go to the doctor for them) like. love this. love that i have to argue for basic fucking care that we CAN afford because he's so stubborn he'd rather himself be in agony than go to a doctor

and I have to break into doing all these new things that I've never done before because of trauma or unmedicated ADHD or fucking god knows what other excuses i have, and i feel like im exploding with tension and its branching into other new habits i cant wait to deal with, on top of probably not doing the new things i should be doing

and to top it all off my RSD is like, in full fucking force 24/7 about literally everyone, i either hate people or feel like im the worst person to be around in the world, every thing i enjoy is giving me anxiety because its not good enough or i did a bad job with it or i cant keep up acting like im okay, except when im in the moment and actually do enjoy myself and then just jump right back into the cycle of hating everything again

but like, i can't just fucking vent about how bad i feel all the time, but i dont know what i CAN do and i just want to scream because its like. im fucking trapped . and the longer im trapped, the shorter those windows of feeling normal are. and the more i feel like im irreversibly damaging any friendship i have. and its like ive been through this before, except the last time, i was 16, and apparently i havent learned anything since then because i dont make friends or form lasting connections

like. idk

nothing feels fucking worse than needing to be around friends and going through some rough shit and then apparently everything else is a trigger for something else completely stupid. and you end up feeling both like shit because of the base trigger and then also great, im a shitty fucking person because i cant accept that people are my friends and assume the worst. great . yeah this is a lot of fucking self pity but that's why it's under a read more .

oh. right. and i also have to fucking revisit whether i have a fucking dissociative disorder or not. or just try to float along and exist, but id rather not

[barelynakedthoughts]

Today I am 12 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy. I am 1 week and 1 day away from entering the second trimester. I'm still in shock that we may have a little one soon...I'm still surprised we made it this far. We're not out of the danger zone yet, but I'm settling into this pregnancy a bit more each day.

These past few weeks have been odd and filled with way too many tears than I care to admit. I've been a bit hormonal, but I've also had crippling anxiety over the safety and viability of our little one. For about two weeks, I did not feel pregnant in the way I had been. It was my transitional period from very nauseated and sick to leading a semi-normal, less nauseated life. Sure, I get lightheaded here and there -actually I'm writing this in the middle of the night because I woke up wanting to throw up. Yet, it's not every day and I'm even reintroducing light amounts of sauce and pasta. My body is even allowing me to eat chocolate again!! You would not believe how much excitement that caused this past week.

In the latter part of those two weeks, I began cramping daily and it was painful. I called the nurse for clarity, even. Since we were so close to a first semester screening, she recommended waiting and seeing how it goes. My brain was convinced we lost the baby.

Turns out, my cyst had grown a millimeter and the baby had grown even more. During the scan, I cried silently and squeezed my husband's hand so tight that he said it hurt afterwards. I responded with, "I guess I'm getting you prepared for a few months from now!" We chuckled afterward and stared at pictures of our little one. They moved so much during the scan. So much sl it made it difficult for them to get everything they needed. I secretly commended the babe because that meant we got to spend more time with them on the grayscale screen. There first few minutes of fame!

My heart has been at peace since then. Well there was one night where I wiped and there was a spec of bright red blood, but it has not since returned. I'm just going to choose my battles wisely from now on...or maybe not. We'll see. My emotions have been rather unpredictable to say the least. The doctors even sent us a video and I've watched it about as much as I've watched my favorite show, House. The joy of watching them bounce and wiggle and move their arms and kick their legs and side eye the nurse bouncing the scanner on their cozy little home...the joy is just invigorating. I pray for their safety and I pray for their well-being. I lean on God and hope for His mighty hand to gentle bring this little one to life come May or June!

So what am I feeling like now?

Well, normal. Kinda. My belly is starting to get bigger and if i weren't pregnant, I'd look like I've gained weight. The ironic part of this stomach growth is the scale. My body hasn't gained anything. I've been the same, if not two pounds lighter, since becoming pregnant in September. There was a point where I was fluctuating +/- 3 pounds each week, but that settled quickly and now I'm looking to start gaining weight for real. I'm, of course, going to ask the doctor what that looks like when we go in next week. In the midst of the fluctuation, I did happen to gain three little stretch marks on my belly. They have been my reminder of something precious even when I don't feel pregnant. There are some mornings where I feel my bump has gone missing...but it shows back up later in the day. I think most of fatter aesthetic is bloating right now. I cant wait until it's a round belly that screams "I'm pregnant!"

My lower back has been killing me and sleeping is still difficult. I'm starting to accept that I may never sleep through the night again - much to my husband's dismay. Poor him, he's been waking up here and there because I keep shuffling to find the right position. I guess he should get used to it, too! I've been trying my best not to wake him, though. It's lonely, but I can manage to past the time. I'm starting to notice slight aches when bending over and sitting in weird positions. I'm also starting the lose the ability to sit forward comfortable. My belly is not that big right now. It reminds me of when my period would hit honestly. Yet it's also different structurally. It's not a bloat, it's a physical alteration where pieces have been moved around.

Covid is scaring us a bit and with Thanksgiving coming up, we're becoming even more cautious. Might have to do a virtual dinner with both of our families. No can afford getting covid, but right now, I'm not trying to be pregnant with covid. I don't need the worry and I dont need the illness!

I've been catching myself staring at my belly, rubbing it and smiling more often. I'm noticing slight nesting tendencies, too. We're not buying too much beyond more comfortable clothing, but as we enter into the second trimester, this could change. I'm not trying to jump the gun yet. I'm waiting until after 20 weeks to start changing the apartment around. Fortunately that will come right around when Christmas decorations have to come down so it'll feel like a natural transition from the festively ostentatious to the surreal. Normally the apartment feels unfillably bare after Christmas, but I have a feeling there will be a different type or emptiness lurking. An emptiness filled with the hope of growth. I'm hoping by Christmas we get small movements, too. It would be a wonderful present. If I'm honest, I stopped wanting presents a few years ago. My inner Cindy Lou Who started expressing herself and Christmas gained a new meaning. I dont even want to give gifts. I feel it does a disservice to the season of giving because most items people dont want in the long run anyways. It's just a holiday to gain more stuff to a lot of people and I just want a holiday where I hug my mom, enjoy my family and smile genuinely all day. No earthly treasure means more than family...and this year, there would be no greater gift than having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy little one.

Also, singing Christmas songs with my dad would be beautiful, too. This type of Christmas where joy is revealed in acts of thanksgiving would be want I want to impart on my little one.

Well that was a tangent!

I'm feeling good this week. Seeing the light after a few weeks of darkness is just that much more precious. I'm excited to hear the heartbeat next week and to keep seeing growth happen. I'm excited to carry this little one...can't wait to hold them in my arms.

[flyingcookierambles]

hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed. 

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay??? 

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah????? 

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

[diabetiquette]

hi so yea some people out here really need to learn what national healthcare actually is and that its in place in a bunch of other countries ((oh yeah and that those countries arent in shambles from it)) 

like if the government actually did this right then normal citizens wouldnt even notice a change in their daily lives except oh hey they dont have to pay thousands for meds

i go through about 2.5-3 vials of Humalog a month at $500-$600 a vial without health insurance that would cost me $18,000-$20,000 a year

ive been a diabetic for over 14 years ((i was diagnosed right after my 6th birthday)) sooo about $266,000 spent on insulin since i was diagnosed? thats not including syringes when i was on shots ((also excluding Humalin R insulin that i took for the first few years of diagnosis while on injections)) my insulin pump ((retail at about $7,000. yikes)) and then supplies for the insulin pump ((site changes, insulin cartridges, aseptic adhesives)), glucagon prescriptions, and other general diabetic necessities ((glucose meter, strips and lancets, ect.))

granted the prices of insulin have gone up over the past 10+ years and a 20 year old isnt taking the same dosage of insulin as i was when i was 6 years old, so my numbers are obviously going to be off a little

THANKFULLY my dad has a job that offers family health insurance but hey im not going to be on that plan forever right? i have less than 6 years until it runs out for me and i A) get a job right out of school that will supply health insurance ((fingers crossed for that one)) -or- B) live the last 2-ish years on my parents plan and wait until i have to shell out $20,000 each year or risk dying

there are countless people in this country that dont have the **~*Privilege*~** for privately owned health care, and this means that they cant refill prescriptions. when people do this they run the risk of running prolonged high blood sugars, which can lead to long term complications ((vision loss/blindness, kidney failure, neuropathy anyone?)) obviously these would open a whole new can of worms for trying to pay for meds for those already struggling

and what would fix this problem???

NATIONAL HEALTHCARE YOU EGGNOODLES

national healthcare will give people that cant afford the high cost of medication that chance to actually get the medication that they need to live

national healthcare is NOT:

stealing/robbing big name pharm companies

going to break the nation apart

making the poor poorer and the rich richer

going to turn America into a 100% socialist country overnight

going to force people to change their life styles in order for coverage

going to make finding coverage plans impossible to find

so for anyone that thinks a national coverage plan will be the Ultimate Demise of the Great Country of the United States of America please just look at how great other countries are doing with their programs and think about how it would actually affect your personal daily life if a well thought out program was put into affect in the US ((heres a hint: it wouldnt affect you all that much))

many national health care programs will aslo let you otp out of national coverage if you wish to find your own privately owned insurance provider 

medical charges affect everyone from ER visits for a broken arm to a lifetime of doctor visits and medications for a chronic illness or disability and therefore everyone should be able to have access to the treatment that they need

***my base values for costs on this post are based off of my personal insulin usage not every diabetic uses the same amount (some may have >3 vials monthly and some may have <3 vials monthly) and insulin type (there are many variations of insulin out there, such as Humalog, Regular, NPH, Ultralente, Lantus, and Mixed Insulins, all at different costs) 

****also this post is not aimed at solely the diabetic community as there are many other injuries and illnesses that require medication, hospital stays, and doctor appts that cost thousands and thousands of dollars to treat i am not holding this statement of opinion for my sole wellbeing. as someone that has worked in hospitals i see front line on the actual necessity for proper coverage for everyone no matter the state or area they are in in their lives

[unwilling-ships-surgeon]

some mun things

‘verses

flinthamilton sandwich verse: what i’ve been brainstorming in most recently.

bedlam’s doctor verse: marcellus met thomas and james once when a friend got him to come to a salon to confirm that james and thomas were fucking. marcellus said nothing the whole time but afterwards told his friend of course they are, trust your instincts next time. he still works for free, but will charge nobles an arm and a leg to afford to keep working (it’s still much lower than their normal doctors’ rates, so they call him in for people they dont want to spend that much money on). because of his low rates, he essentially is the doctor for bethlehem royal hospital, aka bedlam, and cares for the patients when their bleedings, boilings, purgings, and hypothermia get to the point where those in charge are worried they’ll die. as more high-profile people are interred, he starts getting more calls over there to make sure the highborn sorts appear mostly unharmed (no lost fingers from frostbite and such). thomas gets put into bedlam, and marcellus goes holy fuck. he starts spending more time (of his very limited extra time and often into the time set aside for sleep) trying to mitigate the damage being done to One Of His Own (ie london gays). thomas is usually delirious or asleep or wild with panic when marcellus gets to him, but summer comes and the threat of infection from open wounds gets more severe so marcellus gets to interact w thomas while he’s lucid. he’s the reason many of thomas’s scars aren’t as bad as they are in the sandwich verse. essentially, marcellus passes peter ashe on his way back from seeking forgiveness from thomas and finds thomas an absolute wreck, and decides to see if he can make peter’s life a living hell, but it puts him on notice in the heads of the Powers That Be, so that when marcellus threatens to dig into thomas’s “death” six months later, they tell him to get out of london or see his practice ruined and the friends he spent his life trying to hide from the law exposed. so he submits a glowing obituary for thomas to the papers as a final fuck-you-i-cant-be-silenced and flees. he still spent time blackmailed into naval service in this verse, so like in the sandwich verse he escapes through a gay he knows from then (coincidentally if he’d known james better he might have found out they were mutual acquaintances). he makes it to port royal, where he works as a doctor during outbreaks of cholera and dysentery, but mainly as a midwife’s assistant to pay the bills. after about six months of this, he boards a ship as its surgeon, the ship gets taken by pirates, and marcellus, under the name alexander seeker, joins the pirate crew. since he doesn’t have the once-burnt-twice-shy attitude of the sandwich verse, he’s about as out as it gets for the time. uses polari and finds several of the men know it too, one of them knowing the variant from the colonies, which he makes an effort to learn. he has an incident with a crewmate, but when he pulls a pistol on the homophobe when he threatens him, things mostly cease in that arena. everybody else knows better than to piss off the doctor. in nassau, marcellus meets gates, and debates joining the mysterious captain flint’s crew except for the fact that, when they take big prizes, all hands are sometimes made to fight, and marcellus will not be dying in the pursuit of riches, thank you very much. gates tries to convince him, and they strike up a rapport. macellus tells him to let him know if flint ever calms down, and gates just huffs an as if. about a month or two later, marcellus encounters flint himself and ABSOLUTELY recognizes him as lt mcgraw. however, this is immediately followed hard upon by the fact that thomas had been told by peter ashe james died trying to rescue him, which marcellus didn’t half believe, but also the fact that he had treated lord hamilton for the better part of a year and a half and of course he would jump to conclusions about the first true redhead he met (after bonny, but his mind hadn’t hopped to conclusions then). he convinces himself that, since he is absolutely sure he recognizes flint from london, he must have been one of the gays marcellus treated and never saw again. therefore marcellus mentally classifies him, not as One of His Own, he doesn’t have the security to afford to protect all his gays now, but as a tentative ally. he’s not necessarily friendly, but he’s as liable as not to tell people to shut the fuck up when overhearing people shit-talking flint. people think it’s because he’s friends with gates, and he doesn’t deny it, but it’s also a bit more than that. a friendly ambivalence was often as good as an ally when it came down to how nassau’s chips would fall under pressure.

[mountlandme]

RANT AHOY

In short I have a lot of feelinsg about older generations and their views on younger generations

Today my landlady who lives in a 6 storey house (3 bedrooms, an office, two bathrooms, a kitchen, garden, two sitting rooms and a dinning room) in London zone 2 told me her house was small, that things were difficult in the 80s too (she had to get a mortgage while some friends married into money or inherited) and she was from the ‘get up and do it’ generation and hated all the negativity of my generation. That it didn’t matter if people have to move out of london (though was saying yesterday how she would never want to move out of London herself and would hate to be elsewhere).

Its so frustrating to hear how ignorant people can be when they live in little tiny bubbles of people just like them. I’m not saying that people had it easy or didn’t work hard in the past - ofcourse people did, they worked hard and that is how she has what she has now, she and her husband worked hard in jobs that weren’t exactly high earning jobs, they worked hard for many years to have a house which would be a secure place to bring up a family and pay for their retirement. Im not belittling that.

 I’m just saying that no matter how hard you work now if you don’t have parents who have a house, or become mega rich yourself, you aren’t ever going to get a house, and so have no security and no investment for the future. And yes I know that renting is more common in other countries but their rent always seems affordable. My generation are often paying around 70% of what they earn to live in tiny, badly build accommodation with bad facilities that aren’t suited to community or family - this leaves no money to save and everyone is always broke. There is a lack of social housing so there isnt an alternative if you cant make the rent. Thats also a big culture change, and my generation is the one having to go through that trauma of complete change of our reality to the expectations we were given as children.

She did say that it could be that we start trying to see a different type of people on the streets beyond the normal lot. Look out the window, its already happened - people are on the streets already just because they simply dont have the money to live indoors, and what is the normal lot, no one deserves to be homeless ever! Squatting is becoming heavily criminalised so you can’t even get off the streets and into somewhere sheltered, while the streets are being covered in spikes, like humans are pigeons to keep away from your precious walls.

People are being forced away from their support networks and employment opportunities because they can’t afford to live in London (and hell its not much better anywhere else). And yes that is bad to remove people from their family and friends, its easy to say its not a big deal when you own your own house that you can live in until you chose not to. Complete insecurity and being at the mercy of whatever whim may take the person who decides where you live is traumatic!!!!

Oh it will all even out. will it?? If it does it will because people fought to change it, it may look like things just sort themselves out when you dont go outside your own small bubble, but if you did you’d see all the people fighting hard to make the changes. But it might not, and even if it does its destroying lives now!!

How sensitive can people be that they can’t even bare to hear that something might be harder for someone else. It doesn’t diminish the hard work they went through in the past to admit that people work just as hard now, sometimes even harder, for a lot less and that isn’t acceptable!!!

I know doctors who work second jobs to be able to make rent, DOCTORS. I know a nurse who has just been able to get her first mortgage on a property a TWO AND A HALF HOUR commute away from where she works. Shift work is difficult enough without adding 5 hours travelling a day on top of it just for the chance of investing in a home for her future. 

Im not being entitled, it is a failure of society that young people can work themselves to the bone and do ridiculous things just to be able to have a roof over their heads - and some people will do all that and still not have a roof, others wont be able to, they deserve safety and security too, a basic function of society should be that everyone has the means to live safely and in comfort. My generation spend all their time working, and this totally benefits people in power as we dont have any energy or time left to do anything, all the creativity and community movements I do see amaze me as people are doing super human things to achieve them while still affording to live. Its an atrocity that I have multiple friends and their mothers that have to stay with abusive fathers because they can’t afford to leave, that I have friends who have had to submit appeals to show that as disabled, queer, trans teens and young adults of colour they are ‘more vulnerable’ than other homeless youth as all homeless youth a vulnerable so only the most vulnerable can be housed.

Fuck everything. I know I am SO lucky to have parents who own a big house due to my grandad building a good business for himself and his family. Why is it so radical to think that everyone should have that! A house, security, community, stability. And I don’t mean everyone has a change to work hard and build a company that could fund a nice house. I mean .everyone.should.have.a.house. EVERYONE. There should be no one homeless, there should be no one in inadequate, dirty, crowded or too small homes. You shouldnt have to be exceptionally lucky and build a business to have a house, because my grandad worked no harder than others, infact I am 100% sure that others worked harder and have nothing to show for it. If you rely on everyone having a chance to work towards having a reasonable home, then you are sanctioning random selection of who gets homes and who doesn’t, you are saying its okay that some people wont and thats never okay. Everyone deserves a space they can be safe in, be healthy in, build a family and community in. EVERYONE regardless of what they do or dont do, being able to work is not a pre-requisite for being valued, a person may never ‘work’ in the way our government sees work but everyone has something to give, everyone contributes to something bigger than themselves - like family or community.