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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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I think that regarding RWBY criticism people are defensive because there are a lot of people who dont like the show and actively shit talk it for whatever reason. We agree on that and we agree there are people who criticize the show because they like it and want it to be "better" (whatever that means to them.) Now feel free to disagree with me on this part but i think part of the reason the people who have genuine criticism often get disregarded and labeled a hater is because, at least to me, they dont provide a solution to the problems they have or do so in a way that can be interpreted as self-righteous and condescending. Its like if a teacher got mad at a student for not understanding the material rather than trying to explain it differently, it just creates another issue.

I think the reason why critics don't provide a solution is the same reason why that comparison doesn't work for me: we are not RT's teachers. We are the consumers of their product. Whereas a teacher has a responsibility to do everything possible to help a student get better at their subject (the thing they're paid to do), it is not the viewers' responsibility to do everything possible to help RT get better at writing (we're paying them). To my mind, it really is enough to say, "This is bad" and leave it at that. The same way if I order a meal at a restaurant, I'm allowed to go, "Wow. That tasted awful and I'm upset about it because I expected better." If my dinner companion went, "Well, why was it bad? Too cold? Not enough seasoning? Prove to me these failings exist because I'm not inclined to take you at your word. And more importantly, what's your solution here? I'm not going to take this complaint seriously unless you have a good plan for how to fix this dish" I'd be like, "... what am I supposed to do? March into the kitchen and teach the chef myself?"

We're under no obligation to fix RT's mistakes and, even if we were, how exactly are a bunch of fans meant accomplish that? What literal, practical action does anyone expect fans to take to ensure that the changes they want to see in RWBY actually come about? There's nothing you can do. However, despite this, many fans do suggest changes that they think would benefit the story, with the hope that the writers — who are very active on social media and engage a great deal with their fans — will see and take note. There have been times throughout the series where it does appear like they saw some of the more common complaints... only to then swerve right back towards their original writing decisions. Ren's Volume 8 arc is an example of that. So is Jaune's focus in the finale. Many in the fandom said, "I want to see the group held responsible for their bad decisions. I want Jaune to take a backseat so the girls can get more development. I think these choices will help alleviate many of the criticisms we've had" and RT did that... only to pull back on both changes at the last second. Obviously there's no way to know their intentions there, whether it's a coincidence they toyed with ideas the fandom has frequently discussed, or whether they actually tossed them in to try and appease critics with no real plans to take those changes seriously, but for the purposes of this discussion it amounts to the same: fans said "Doing this specific thing will make the story better, with 'better' defined as us deriving more enjoyment from it" and RT didn't do the thing. So, where are you supposed to go from there? Storm RT headquarters and make them take writing classes? Frankly, it's ridiculous to think that fans need or could do anything at all, making solutions a needless requirement.

To say nothing of how this comes across as another lose-lose situation. You say that critics should provide solutions to these problems in order to be taken seriously. You also say that if they do provide solutions, they tend to come across as "self-righteous and condescending." Pardon my skepticism, but it sounds like there isn't a version of criticism that's going to meet with your approval, or if it exists, it's an incredibly narrow pocket. Criticism is dismissed if there's no solution attached, but if you do provide a solution, make sure you don't sound too confident in the changes you want to make. That doesn't sound very doable to me. It just sounds like a catch-all way to dismiss criticism as a whole, either because a post didn't meet the first, arbitrary requirement, or did so in a tone the recipient decides they don't like (which is always subjective. Any post can be read as "self-righteous" if you decide that's the route you want to go. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy). And I do see this a lot. For a transformative fandom like any other, the RWBY community has a strangely hostile attitude towards rewrites, with many fans considering it "self-righteous" to think that anyone could write RWBY better than RT, and that a rewrite's existence is "condescending" towards the writers. If I actually gave a detailed account of not just my problems with the story, but also the specific changes needed to improve it (many of which, notably, require a reworking of the mechanics and world building from the very start), there's a very good chance that would still be dismissed because people would interpret it as too arrogant. "Look at her, thinking she's better than professional, successful writers. What massively popular stories have you published lately? Yeah, that's what I thought. God I hate critics, they're so pretentious." If you don't provide solutions you're being too negative and don't actually want the story to succeed. If you provide solutions you're too arrogant and insulting the writers by daring to think that you could do better. So again: lose-lose.

But as said, solutions shouldn't be necessary. It's great if you come up with some, but figuring out how to fix a product's failings is not a requirement for voicing grievances with that product. I don't need to know how to build a better computer to be upset if mine suddenly fails. I don't need to know how to bake muffins to grimace if the one I'm eating tastes off. And you don't need to know how to write a webseries to be unhappy with how RWBY is going. If we were in a position of responsibility with RT, like a teacher, then yeah, totally different situation. But they're producing something that they expect fans to pay for, whether it's through First accounts, merch, cons, etc. or, payment aside, they nevertheless hope to receive attention and praise for this product. The flipside of that is that people might not like what you're selling. You can be displeased with the quality of a webseries purchase in precisely the same way you can be displeased with the quality of a meal. No Gordon Ramsey-level knowledge required.

#rwby #rwde #mymetas

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twistedlymad · 4 years

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UwU Your writing is amazing !!!!! I loved the puppy and cat escapades \ ^o^ / . Would you be willing to do one in wich the mc is bullied by the extras, because you know, no magic and already a director, how would the boys react?? Will this be the end of the extras?!?? Ill be eternally gratefull. iTs okay if you cant throug. Hope you have a wonderfull day, and dont forget to drink plenty of water, and take breakes. Take care of yourself!!!!

Originally, I had planned this to be another chaos fic, but, I realize while writing this, that bullying is something that cannot be taken lightly. In the Twst Fandom, we also had our fair share of bullying from a few anons and that isn’t okay.

So, in writing this fic, I made it more sentimental and just so you guys know, if you’re having a bad day or a bad time in general, feel free to talk to anyone, including me! Do not ever hold in your sadness.

But anyway, I hope this fic lives up to your expectations anon! Thank you for requesting and have a lovely day!

What if you got bullied? (Ft. Everyone!!)

What was supposed to be a great day, turned out to be the worst day you could ever have at Night Raven College.

Your day started off normally, in fact, it started off well! You woke up with a good mood. You saw the furball that you loved so much beside you, sleeping peacefully. You smiled as you gently shook him awake.

“Grim, wake up, it’s already morning.”

“Fgnaaaaa, five… more minutes…” The sleeping creature said, swatting your hand away. You just shook your head at his antics.

“No can do, remember what Crowley would do if he caught us being late again.” You said and the creature’s eyes immediately shot opened and he jumped out of the bed, scurrying about to get ready for the day. You saw his slightly panicking self and giggled to yourself.

“(Y/N)! We shouldn’t be dancing and prancing! If we do, we’re going to be late!” Said the creature as he saw you heading over to your closet in a small waltz.

“Oh, Grim, I woke you up 10 minutes earlier than usual.” You said as you grabbed your uniform and headed to the bathroom. “You have 10 minutes to spare, take your time.” And you left the mumbling little furball in the room, face planting himself back into the bed after hearing your words.

The first half of your day had gone by rather quick and uneventful, not that you were complaining though. It’s nice to not have fights and chaos to settle every once in a while. You had a lot of laughs and smiles here and there with your group of first-year goofballs.

However, your peaceful day was about to turn upside down.

You were walking back to your classroom. Your friends were reserving your spot in Professor Trein’s class while you went to Crowley’s office to take care of some business involving Ramshackle Dorm. You and Grim made your way down the hall to the class.

Some students saw this and thought it was a great opportunity to make you trip and fall. So, one of them stuck out his leg while you were making you were walking. You didn’t have enough time to react and ended up falling for their antics. You immediately turned your body around so Grim, who was in your hands, would be shielded using your body. Your back hit the ground, HARD. A few gasps here and there were heard.

Grim rose his head from your chest to see you using your elbow to prompt yourself up.

“Fgnaaa! (Y/N)!” The furball immediately went to help you up by providing some support.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there.” The student who tripped you said as his friends were laughing.

“School rules say that no magic or fights are allowed on school grounds.” His friends snickered.

“I’m fine… Just… Let me get up.” You said to Grim, who was still helping you.

“Pffft, look at her, so defenseless, she shouldn’t even be at this school!” The student said harshly.

“Hello?! Night Raven College is a place for prestigious mages. Not humans who can’t use magic and defend themselves.” Another student said to you.

“And to think she’s a prefect! Hahahahaha! You couldn’t even compare to the other dorm leaders!” His friend added and they all agreed.

“Looks like Crowley had made a huge mistake in bringing you here, why don’t you just crawl back to that sad excuse for a dorm of yours alongside your lousy furball!” And the group of students cackled at their snarky comments about you.

You just drooped your head down. Even though you didn’t want to admit it, but, they were right.

You had no magic, you were ridiculed at the entrance ceremony but, Crowley still gave you a place to stay and he even made you an official student here. While others struggled in getting here, you sort of knew why they hated you.

You tried your best to hold in your tears as you felt them pricking at the corner of your eyes while your friends defended you.

But, one comment had pushed past your boundaries.

“You’re not even considered to be human in my eyes! To me, you’re just trash. Go find a trash can and make yourself at home!”

Was… Was this what the other students really thought about you? Trash? Useless? No value? You closed your eyes, taking everything in, ignoring everything and everyone else around you. And proceeded to walk away without saying a single word.

Grim shouted for you but you payed no attention to him and just kept speed walking. Your walking slowly became running and you were then running as fast as you could, just letting your legs lead the way. After awhile of running at full speed, you had slowed down and stopped to take a breather. You looked around to see where you were in order for you to get back to school if needed.

However, you were back at Ramshackle Dorm. Your dorm. The tears you had been holding back flowed out as you took slow steps to the dorm you loved. You went in and closed the door behind you. Leaning your back against the door, you cried out your heart as you slowly slid down.

All the student’s words are stuck in your head, reminding you of what everyone else thinks of you. Your tears just kept flowing as you used your sleeves to wipe them away.

‘They’re right, I’m not meant to be here in the first place.’ You thought to yourself. ‘If everyone hates me so, then, I should just disappear.’ You said in your mind as you stood up and went to your room.

You packed some clothing and madol, ready to leave and hopefully start a new life outside of Night Raven College. You stuffed everything into a duffel bag and went to the main entrance of your dorm. You placed your hand on the doorknob, thinking of a route to leave the school undetected. But when you opened the door…

You were faced with everyone you ever knew.

And I mean everyone! Your group of best friends, the dorm-leaders and your seniors. They were all gathered in front of your dorm.

“Ahh! (Y/N)!! I’m so glad we found you!” Ace said as he, Deuce, Epel, Jack, Sebek and Grim came to hug you. You were surprised, too shocked to even register what had happened.

“We heard about the incident today, we already reported it to the headmaster.” Riddle said.

“But the first-years also reported that you were nowhere to be found. So, we came looking for you and your dorm was the only place we haven’t checked.” Azul continued.

“So, we all gathered here after our search!” Kalim concluded. The first-year boys pulled away from their hug and they noticed your bag.

“(Y/N)? What’s going on? Why are you leaving?” Epel asked you. Your eyes slowly travelled to the bag.

“Um…” You started but Deuce cut you off.

“Is it because of those damned students?” Deuce asked you. “Did they threaten you?”

Now, everyone’s eyes were on you. You averted their stares by lowering your head.

“No…” You said, dropping the duffel bag.

“They didn’t threaten me. But, what they said was true, was it not?” You lifted your head to let everyone see your tear-filled eyes. “I am just a human, I don’t possess any magic powers and yet here I am in this school for magicians. Not only that, but I am also the dorm leader for this dorm and I have been made a prefect! Isn’t that unfair to everyone else?” You said out loud, letting everyone hear you.

“I understand why they would have these kinds of thoughts. I understand why they hate me. That’s why I thought that if I have left, no one would have these kinds of thoughts ever again. After, I am the problem, aren’t I?” You concluded.

Truth be told, the boys were shocked. They… They have never seen this side of you. Heck, they never thought you would be capable of producing these types of thoughts. In their eyes, you were always so cheerful and kind, even when things got out of hand, you would remain calm and solve the problem to the best of your abilities. To think someone this pure and precious to them would have such depressing and degrading thoughts is beyond them.

However, this shocked Grim the most. The creature practically lived with you for so long and he didn’t even have a single clue of this side of you was scaring him.

“No, you’re wrong.” Grim lowly mumbled, but you couldn’t hear him.

“What?” You asked the furball.

“YOU’RE WRONG!” He practically screamed at you.

“Grim-chan…” Cater said softly.

“Even if you did leave, their thoughts won’t change! You’re not the problem! It’s them!” The furball yelled to you. Everyone was taken aback by Grim’s sudden outburst. But the first-years were quick to back him up.

“That’s right! It’s not your fault (Y/N)!” Ace said to you.

“Students at NRC are picked by the mirror of darkness. No one can easily come and go in this school.” Leona reminded everyone.

“Exactly, you arrived here for a reason.” Rook said.

“You assisted us with our overblots, not every child of man could do that.” Malleus said, representing every dorm leader.

“You had us working together in sync during the Inter-High Magift Tournament.” Ruggie added.

“You brought us together as friends.” Sebek stated.

“Most importantly, you let me have a place here at NRC. Because of you, we were only able to attend the school as a student.” Grim said. “No one has ever done something like that for me before.” The creature said as he slowly crawled up to you.

Everyone’s words had stunned you. You were so busy thinking about the negative comments about you, you forgot about all your relationships with your friends and seniors.

Like, how you always had tea in Heartslabyul. Riddle would always invite you to have tea with him and the others, you would enjoy the peacefulness of the dorm under the supervision of their dorm leader. Trey would always ask for your help in the kitchen and you would have a fun time with him while making sweets and desserts for everyone. Cater would whisk you away to either a selfie-session in the dorm’s gardens or a photoshoot in any new place that the he had found to be photogenic. Ace and Deuce would invite you to play croquet with them from time to time, of course, you were very careful with the flamingos and hedgehogs as you didn’t want to hurt any of them, but, you couldn’t resist in using the flamingo to bonk on either Ace’s or Deuce’s head every once in awhile. It’s okay though, the flamingo understood completely.

Like, how you always trained yourself in Savanaclaw. Leona would sometimes go easy on you if you were invited to join one of their many Magift activities, although, you weren’t sure if he was pitying you or he was just being lazy in general. You would help Ruggie prepare food for everyone as you knew he could use an extra hand or two, it also meant you could pick up a new recipe here and there and you got to taste test all the food. Jogging sessions with Jack were also a normal thing, hey, if you’re going to be joining in Magift tournaments without magic powers, the least you could do is train yourself physically.

Like, how you always felt welcomed at Octavinelle. Azul would welcome you into the VIP lounge when Mostro Lounge was extremely busy and you couldn’t find a place to sit at. You would also help out around Mostro Lounge when you saw that the place was packed to the brim. Usually, Jade would entrust you with drinks while he and Floyd went to prepare food for everyone else. When Mostro Lounge closed its doors for the day, you would enjoy some tea with the three underwater mermen or you and Grim would play around with Floyd, pranking other students and dorm leaders. Heck, you and Floyd even pulled off a few enormous pranks against the staff members.

Like, how you would be invited to feasts and parties at Scarabia. Kalim would always have a big smile on his face whenever he invited you to go dine with him at Scarabia. Jamil always appreciated your help in the dorm, let it be helping him prepare food for the party that Kalim had just decided to have five minutes ago or just keeping an eye on the dorm leader while he went to settle some other business involving the dorm.

Like, how you would have small makeovers at Pomefiore. Every time you walked past the beauty-queen/king, you were immediately stopped by him, because either your bow or tie was crooked or your hair was a mess, well no matter the case, Vil would fix it for you. When you visited Pomefiore from time to time, Vil would take the chance to give you high quality beauty products to try and he would always go on a rant on how you should always take care of your image. Sometimes, Rook would sweep you away just to go on a mini hunt with him. Although, let’s be real here, you two always ended up spying on Leona at the Botanical Gardens while he skipped his classes. Epel would whisk you away to his room and teach you to on how to carve apples. You managed to carve a few of the staff members and even your friends onto the apples, of course, you would carve on a few extra features onto your masterpieces. Like, say, a moustache for Ace or funky-looking ears for Crowley. You also helped to keep Epel in check whenever Vil and Rook were teaching the first-years on table manners and proper etiquette.

Like, how you would enjoy mini-gaming sessions at Ignihyde. Usually, you would initiate the session with Idia. You two ended up playing both Co-Op and PvP games. While playing games that require you to cooperate, the two of you would discuss your plans and pick out the best course of action. The same cannot be said for Free-For-All games though. A few minor insults here and there are thrown between the two of you. But at the end, the victor will always do a little happy dance before continuing onto the next game. You loved Ortho like your own brother! Always treating him to various desserts and helping him drag his brother out from his room. Ortho looks up to you like a sister as well. There may have been a few times he’s actually called you big sis.

Like, how you would go on quaint little walks at Diasomnia. If you needed a breather, you would usually find yourself at Diasomnia. Due to a large forest surrounding the building and the silent atmosphere the dorm provides, it is the exact place where you would go to take a walk to clear your mind. Malleus would sometimes accompany you on these quaint little walks. You and Tsunotaro would chat about your everyday lives and problems the first-years would create. Lilia would make some tea for you after your walks and you would enjoy the tea and bits of biscuits and crumpets alongside the tea. You would also break up arguments between Silver and Sebek. The two would get into fights about the tiniest of things, from blaming each other for losing track of Malleus to blaming each other for not preparing for a test. Sometimes, Silver would accompany you on your walk instead of Malleus and you two would also have little chats here and there. Other than that, Sebek’s view of you actually improved after befriending him. He used to think you were a powerless human as well but after spending time with him and your friends, he realizes that you aren’t just any human being.

But for Grim, you had the greatest impact in his life. You accepted him, you took care of him, you loved him. And he loved you back, just as much. To him, you were his family since he had never had one.

In conclusion, you matter.

You. Are. Of. Value.

You are precious to them, you bring peace to them, you brought them together as a whole.

Once that thought had nested in your brain, you realized that you were foolish in having these thoughts in the first place.

“I’m sorry…” You said, crying. Grim went and hugged you.

“It’s not your fault… Just know that we’re here for you.” Said the furball as everyone also came and comforted you. You had spent the day with them as a whole, you watched a few movies, horror movies in that case. It was fun hearing the dorm leaders and their members scream shout yell made a loud sound whenever a jumpscare appeared.

You guys also played games together, but, I am not allowed to share any details because I actually know nothing. No, I’m totally not being threatened here Reader-san, don’t worry about me.

Send help pls.

Also, after the bullying incident, the boys were a bit more protective around you when in class/school. Usually, your group of first-years would accompany you wherever you go, let it be from your dorm to the cafeteria or from the class to another dorm, at least one of them will be at your side. And when they couldn’t be there, either a dorm leader or an upperclassman would be near you. Any student who seem like they have bad intentions to either you or Grim, would face unspeakable consequences.

And I mean unspeakable. So, I cannot inform you of these consequences as I am under an oath to not reveal anything. Um. Yeah. Good luck persuading the boys to tell you : )

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quietmyfearswith · 4 years

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where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader}

where our demons hide {dark!tony stark x fem!reader} part 1

status — ongoing series

warnings — non-con turns into dub-con, oral sex (giving & receiving), name-calling, swearing, porn with a bit of plot, dark!tony stark, unprotected penetrative sex (pls dont do this, use protection!)

word count — 3,205

a/n — so i’m not gonna lie this is a little self-indulgent and this was an idea i somehow had after reading a few fics/drabbles with the same premise. this will be a dark series featuring not only tony stark but also the other male avengers. i’m also considering on making a separate dark series featuring the female avengers with the same concept. also!!! infinity war, civil war, and endgame did not happen (totally not bc everything went downhill from there & i hate it but because it just would be more fitting for the story) and that tony & pepper are not in a relationship in here bc in this house we do not condone cheating. & this is my first ever time writing smut so feedback would be very much appreciated :>

masterlist

“Boss lady, you heading out already?” John asked as he knocked on the outside of my office door. Seeing him with his bag strap over his shoulder, it made me turn back my attention briefly to the desk clock I had, my eyes widening in shock as I noticed how it was already a quarter to 9. “Jesus, has it been that long?” I said to him and to myself in disbelief.

John chuckled as he approached my desk and moved some files out of the way and sat down, “Well time sure does fly when you’re working your ass off.” I threw my head back, trying to rub off of the exhaustion off of my eyes, agreeing with him by saying, “As the head of the research department, I don’t think I have time to slack off and mess around.”

As I looked into his eyes, I felt that he was conflicted — that he did want to help me furthermore, but there was also this part of him that wanted nothing but to spend a night out and enjoy himself and afterwards proceed with crashing into his bed. He inched closer to me, “You need to take a break though. Your report is like, 90% done, and that it is extremely well-detailed and comprehensive. I’m sure the mighty heroes of the world will understand if you go home now, rest and enjoy for the weekend, and come back on Monday to finish it up.”

“Do you think that these mighty heroes of the world always have the option to take a break on the weekends and come back to the job on Monday?” I sassed back as I moved my attention from him back to my computer, searching for more essential information for the team’s next mission. John, not taking a hint that I had already wasted time by talking to him, scooted closer and said, “Well for one, your work does not involve travelling suspects and mercenaries. You’re computer ain’t going anywhere, you know?” as he brushed a strand of hair that has fallen from my ponytail as he explained, “I just don’t want you to overwork yourself. I really care about you, Y/N.”

Creating some distance between me and him, I looked at him pointedly and told him, “I get that you may be worried about how I overwork myself, but I’m okay. If it ever gets too much, I will take a break. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish this research and report so that I can go home and get some rest. Unless you’ll help me in accomplishing this task, then I suggest that you just leave.”

John looked like he was in disbelief, but he quickly masked up what he felt and just walked away from my desk and awkwardly waved as he headed for the door. “What a bitch..” I heard him mumble lowly, not having enough strength to say it directly in my face — for in doing so could get him fired.

Following John’s departure, I was able to work peacefully and productively. Gathering and verifying information, confirm tipped intelligence, compiling these into an extensive and coherent report. As I was re-reading once more the final product of my long hours of labor and hard work, I stretched my arms up, hoping to provide some relief to my aching back.

“Mr. Stark would like to ask if he can swing by your office, Ms. Y/n,” the voice of the A.I. startled me briefly, but it somehow also brought me back to my senses. Wanting to look decent and not like I was mere minutes away from passing out, I quickly removed the hair tie from my ponytail, fixing up my hair as I replied to Friday, “Yeah, he can come up.” As I was done attempting to look presentable, it wasn’t even a minute until I heard the office door open and the man himself, Tony Stark, did walk in — wearing a tight dri fit shirt and sweatpants.

“Good evening Mr. Stark, was there anything I can help you out with?” I watched as he walked around the office, as if he was checking out if everything was in place — as if he had been there before and was making sure that things were the way he once envisioned. He settled down on an office chair, opposite from where I was sitting down.

Putting his chin on his hand as he crossed his legs, he stared at me curiously and intensely as he informed me about his sudden visit, “Was walking around the office wing when Friday informed me that you were the only employee left in the building. So I thought I’d drop by and see as to what was the reason as to why you were still working late and not going about with your weekend plans.”

I let out a sigh I did not know I was holding — probably out of relief that I was not in trouble — before sharing with him the reason, “I was just finishing up the final touches on the researched information for your mission next week.” He looked interested in that and rose to his feet and made his way to where I was sitting. “You mind if I take a look?”

I shook my head no and started to get up from my seat, when he placed his left hand on my shoulder, pulling me down to remain seated. “Stay,” he requested as his right hand operated the mouse in order to inspect the document opened on my computer, “I might have some remarks or questions about what you have researched.”

Beginning to feel a bit of uneasiness, I tried to fill him in about some parts I thought he was confused or curious about — judging by how he spent some time longer on certain pages compared to the others. “You did a good job, Y/N. Without a doubt next week’s mission would have already failed without what you have done.”

Avoiding his look and our close proximity, I shrugged off the compliment by responding, “Um, thank you. But it wasn’t just me, you know? Some other researchers also helped, I merely just organized and arranged it, Mr. Stark.” His hand still on my shoulder moved to turn me so I was facing him, he sat down on my desk and begged to differ, “I don’t think you would have been the overall head of the research department if all you did was compile shit, right?”

Fiddling with my fingers, I halfheartedly agreed with what he said. Looking up, I saw him cross his arms and his face lit up, as if he had remembered something he forgot to mention. “Which reminds me, I do need your help in researching something. Think you can handle it?” I was able to conceal my surprise, what was it he needed help with? And most importantly, why would he tell me about it now? There are procedures if an Avenger needs something to be researched relating to their work. But I could not bring myself to question him, so instead I buried those doubts in the back of my head.

“T-That would depend, I guess? What is it about? And w-when do you need it to be completed?” I couldn’t help but scold myself for coming out as timid and scared. He uncrossed his arms and checked his wrist watch while he answered, “I need it to be completed tonight. Possibly into the morning. It depends.”

My jaw dropped in shock and astonishment. Does he seriously think that a research can be completed in mere hours? But if I had wanted to keep this job, then I had to comply with what he wanted. “I think that it would be a challenge to do so, but yeah. I guess it can be doable. What would the research be about?” I managed to blurt out and started to roll up the sleeves of my white, long-sleeved blouse and preparing to type on the computer.

However, Tony held my hands and placed it in my lap, preventing me from moving towards the computer and looked at me deeply, “It’s gonna be about you, Y/N.” I once again found myself dumbfounded and speechless. Opening my mouth I stammered out, “W-What? Mr. Stark, what do you mean?”

He chuckled as he brushed the strands of hair that had covered a portion of my face. One of his hands stroking my cheek while the other had a firm hold on both my hands situated at my lap, he calmly said, “It’s gonna be about you, baby. I wanna get to know you better. Let’s start with me finding out what it is you’re hiding underneath all these clothes, hm?”

As he guided me onto my feet and pushed me against the office table, his lips grazed my ear and he kissed it lightly and whispered, “I like the way you call me Mr. Stark, makes me feel powerful.” His kisses started to descend, his lips leaving a trail in my neck as his hands started to caress my waist. Snapping out of my frozen state, I somehow managed to speak up and attempt to push him away from me, “Mr. Stark, please don’t do this. Please, stop”

With one hand, he quickly grabbed both of my hands and placed it behind my back. His other hand wrapped around my throat, just where his lips were and hissed out, “Why do you want me to stop, Y/N? Do you not like this, baby?” I shook my head, telling him I did not in fact like where this was going. He scoffed, “I think you do. You like the idea of someone taking you in your office, the place where you spend most of your days in. Can’t imagine you getting laid frequently with how busy you are, baby.”

Tears were slowly streaming down my face, trying to wiggle away from the hero that everyone adored and respected. He pushed his body into mine, causing me to stumble which he used to his advantage by lifting me up and sitting me down on the desk. His legs wrapping around mine, effectively trapping me, he lifted my jaw and looked into me as he smirked and said, “Tell you what, if I search you up down there and find that you aren’t wet, I’ll let you go. Think that’s fair, baby?”

He did not even wait for me to answer as he made quick work of removing my skirt as he knelt down on the floor. After unzipping my skirt and discarding it to the floor, he chuckled upon seeing that I was wearing red, lace panties. “For someone who claims to not want this, you sure as hell came prepared.” His hands were then fondling my thighs as he kissed both my kneecaps and requested, “Open those legs, baby girl.” I shook my head and tried to cover my intimate area with both my hands. This evidently displeased the billionaire as he harshly placed his hands on my knees and threatened me by saying, “Unless you want to walk away jobless, then I suggest that you fucking open your legs.”

Filled with fear and horror, I reluctantly opened my legs and showed him my lower half. He showed his appreciation by chuckling darkly and immediately ripping off my panties. Just as I gasped with what he did with my piece of clothing, he brought one hand to my entrance and scooped some of the juices that my body was involuntarily producing. “Well what do you know, you’re not just wet. You’re soaking wet,” he bragged as he used his other grab my leg and stretched it out sideways, giving him more room to work with. “Time to start our research on you, baby.”

As he slowly inserted two of his thick fingers, I could not hold back the whimper as he ruthlessly moved his finger in and out of me. “Please, Mr. Stark, don’t do this.” I pleaded, hoping that his conscience would slap him and somehow get him to stop. But shortly after saying that, I let out a moan of pleasure as I felt his tongue lick my bundle of nerves.

“Just stop resisting, baby,” With his mouth still attached to my pussy lips, he used his other hand to fondle my thighs — hoping to rub off the tension within me. I threw my head back as he thrusted his fingers hard and sucked hard enough that I forgot my earlier concerns of how I was at first reluctant in giving in to him. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pushing his face closer, urging him to continue with what he was doing. He complied and proceeded to focus his sucking my little nub while he added another finger inside before managing to go at even a faster pace than he previously was.

“Fuck,” I exclaimed, “I’m close.” Right after saying that, Mr. Stark abruptly stopped his actions. I looked at him, and there he was licking off the residual juices off of his fingers.”Can’t have you finishing just on my fingers, baby. Has to happen with me inside you. But before that,” he stood up and pulled down his sweatpants and briefs, “Show me how talented your hands and mouth are first, baby.”

Before I could even process what he said, my body responded to the words that just left his mouth and I was pushing him away in order to make room for me to work and dropped down on my knees. Despite being of average length, I took note of how he had an incredible girth. With one hand fondling his balls, the other swiped the precum that was leaking out and spread it around the tip. He let out a loud groan as I then opened my mouth and captured his length.

“Yes, that’s a good girl, baby,” he complimented me while stroking my hair and later on gathering it all up in order for him to control the pace and speed of how I was sucking him. I glanced up at him just as I started gagging around his cock and fondling the rest that failed to fit in my mouth. “Do I taste good, baby?” he teased me while probably noticing that I was struggling not only to fit his entire length in my mouth, but also to please him.

A gurgled yes was the only reply that I managed to get out and he suddenly pulled out of my mouth and quickly put me back into my feet. He ripped off the blouse that I was wearing and briskly unclasped my bra. I watched him intently as he sat down on the swivel chair where I spent most of my working hours on and called out for me, “As much as I love how you please me with your mouth, it would be a waste to not cum inside you. So come over here and ride me,” he demanded as he patted his thighs.

I slowly began to walk over him and climbed over his legs. His smirk widened upon seeing me slowly get into position to ride him — with one of my hands holding onto his shoulder and the other one holding his cock up, I sank down onto him fully. The action might have taken the superhero back as both his hands flew into grasping on my hips and he threw his head back in pleasure.

Moving in slow, circular motions I found myself moaning and panting loudly, breathing out words of praise that had stroke the ego of the superhero. He brought his hand to my clit and he rubbed me fast enough that got me to stop riding him because of how intense the pleasure was. Mr. Stark’s dissatisfaction with what I did was made evident by him slapping my ass with enough force to push my chest into his and reprimanding me, “Did I fucking tell you to stop? No! So keep riding me, you fucking whore!”

I let out a whimper as he once again slapped my ass cheek and rubbed me even harder and faster. Placing both my hands near his collarbone, I began to ride him even faster and started to feel the release begging to come out. This pleased him as he stopped his assault on my ass and began to twist and pull on my nipples. The simulation proved to be too much for me that my head fell into the side of his neck and I began to trail kisses on there and suddenly let out a loud scream as I had suddenly reached my climax.

“Fucking hell, you’ve become even more tighter,” Mr. Stark sounded like he too was already on the verge of reaching his climax. Both his hands then met my hips once more and he started to bounce myself on his cock, disregarding that I could have been sensitive, hoping to finish inside of me. “I told you that you wanted this. That you needed to be fucked hard. So much for the “I don’t want this bullshit,” huh baby?” He mocked me as he noticed the stray tears that were falling on my cheeks as I felt that the stimulation was too much.

“I bet I can make you cum again. That by the time I release my load deep inside you, you will also be creaming over yourself.” His overconfidence was once again being made evident and determined to make his statement true, he began to wrap his mouth around my nipple and one of his fingers was shoved right into my asshole. It might have been the sudden intrusion on my backside, or the feeling of his warm tongue on my nipple, or the fact that his cock was being rammed in and out of me at a dangerously quick pace, but I found myself squirting all over both of our legs.

“Fuck, baby, that’s a good girl,” he moaned out as I also felt him release his juices inside of me. He stopped his licking, fingering, and maneuvering of my body as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head to lay down on his chest. We both took this time in order to calm down and catch our breaths. His one hand was playing with my hair while the other lightly ran up and down my spine.

With his cock planted still deeply in me, he made me look into his eyes as his hard and demanding tone vanished and instead was replaced with a soft voice accompanied with a gentle look in his eyes as he said, “You did very well in accompanying and complying with my research, baby.”

His praise made me smile and I once again placed my head by his shoulder and briefly closed my eyes — still not having fully recovered from our sexual activity — when what he said caused me once again to be speechless and shocked, “Get ready because in a few minutes I’ll once again be conducting research. But I was thinking about conducting it in a different venue.”

#tony stank #tony stark #tony stark x reader #tony stark oneshot #tony stark x you #dark!tony stark #dark!tony stark x reader #dark!tony stark x you #dark!tony stark x fem!reader #tony stark x fem!reader #this is somewhat a fantasy of mine #noncon smut #dubcon smut #tony stark smut #dark!avengers #dark!tony stark smut #quietmyfearswith #my writing

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blackjewles · 4 years

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Love and midnight walks

Just a drabble of the thoughts of Kaminari ans Shinsou while they share a special moment.

Cw: no warnings apply

summary: Shinsou and Kaminari meet up late at night by chance, during a wordless walk they both consistently think about how much they like eachother. Kaminari wants to confess but can’t bring himself too, but, he confessed that he cares about him. And somehow, Shinsou too confesses that he cares. And for now, that’s better than anything they’ve ever experienced with eachother before .

—-

7:21, about an hour after the sun retired is position for the night, instead, being replaced with the moon. It was a clear night, the starry light lit up the paths just enough for any night wanders who dare leave their dorm for fresh air. The risk of being caught sneaking out at UA was expediential. Nobody dared challenged the rules, not even Katsuki Bakugou, who to some was known for living at his own pace.

However, two opposite boys found the night comforting, and dared challenge the ruthless punishments that would await them if caught.

Those two boys where Shinsou Hitoshi and Denki Kaminari. They where total opposites, mot only in aesthetics departments, but personality wise too.

However, as the age old saying goes, opposites attract.

After relentless determination from Kaminari, he managed to break down the purple headed boys wall of intorvertness and wedge himself into Shinsou’s life. Admittedly, Shinsou was scared at first, his whole life people had never liked him. Sure, he’d had his fair share of “friends” but most of those where just classmates who didn’t hate him for his quirk. But for the first time in his life, Shinsou had a real friend. And to his demise, he’d discovered that his feelings extended a lot more than just friendly ones. Which was the most terrifying but wonderful experience in the world. Being a stoic being with all these sudden nervous feelings was overwhelming, but in a way, exciting.

Kaminari had many friends, he was an outgoing and friendly guy. Everyone found company in his jokes. Each day he walked in and brightened the classroom with his laughs and smiles. Though Kaminari was nice to almost everyone, he found special interest in Shinsou. He’d stare for just a little bit longer, he’d think about his small and deep giggles late at night, and he’d imagine what it be like to date him. Kaminari knew what was happening to him, he knew quite well. He’d had many crushes before, and he knew now that he had fallen into a hole of uncontrollable emotions that yearned for the lilac headed boy. He was screwed, but he let it happen, deep down he believed each crush he had was fate. Weather it turned into somthing or not, he let these teenage feelings happen.

And so, two similarities they shared. They where both screwed, and in love.

But they shared another similarity: Insomnia.

Kaminari is quite literally a ball of energy, and with so much electricity building up inside him all the time, a full nights sleep was a rare thing.

Shinsou on the other hand had insomnia since he was in middle school, and so, a full nights sleep was also rare.

So what happenes when you combine two insomniac boys in love?

Way. Too. Many. Feelings.

—-

Rhythmic tapping of their own footsteps was all that was heard from both boys point of views. Neither bothered with music, the sounds of the night was comforting to both of them. Plus, if you’re not aware of your surroundings while on a late night walk, you can get in big trouble. Not only with teachers, but with villans too.

Shinsou liked to stare at his feet, while Kaminari stared into the sky. But they both kept listening to every sound around them. The owls, the wind, and most importantly, anyone else’s footsteps. So when Shinsou picked up on footsteps that wernt his own, he stopped directly in his tracks and immediately looked up.

Adrenaline pumped through his veins, getting caught outside at night is a death wish. But luckily, the figure that emerged form the darkness was not a teacher, but rather a boy. One that Shinsou thought about way too much.

“Shinsou?” The blond said gently. Shinsou had heard Kaminari call his name many times before, but this was different. He was calm, almost like the blurriness of a dream was coating his voice.

“Kaminari?” Shinsou called back. Kaminari took in a very slow breath, slowly tapping out of a meditative state he had been in. The nights always dark, but the moon lit up Shinsous face just enough to show his bewildered expression that was somehow, extremely beautiful. The blond made sure to ingrave this image of Shinsou in the moonlight into his mind. He didn’t wanna ever let it go.

“What are you doing out here?” Shinsou then asked, approaching Kaminari.

“I could ask you the same” Kaminari replied with a grin. Both boys let out small laughs.

Shinsou pondered his next move carefully, walking with someone could get him caught easier, but, it could also provide more protection. And, admittedly, he wanted to be with Kaminari.

“Do you... wanna walk with me?” Shinsou then asked Kaminari. Kaminari looked up, and smiled softly.

“Yeah, I would.” He replied. Kaminari then turned around and signaled Shinsou to follow.

Both boys where nervous, and for reasons beyond their adolescent understanding. But they both knew that being alone with eachother made them exponentially nervous.

Walking down the path little words where exchanged, their breathing and footsteps where the only sounds heard. Shinsou had never seen this side of Kaminari before, he was calm and a different type of beautiful.

Kaminari was only barley visible through Shinsous perifrial, but because his hair being up so high, looking over at him periodically wasn’t all that hard.

He studied every feature of the blond hard. Taking notes of every single detail. The way his cheekbones where illuminated by the dim light, his yellow eyes watching the sky with such concentration, the way his lips where placed on his face with such godly persision. Shinsou wanted to look at him forever, his heart thumped consideredly harder while being alone with him. The feeling was almost like the electricity the boy beside him held was flowing through him even though they weren’t touching. He was utterly entranced, experiencing a kind of romantic admiration that provided no real thoughts. No words came to mind, it was a hazey fog of whispers that yearned for the boy beside him. Shinsou did know one thing though, in that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kiss the boy beside him.

Kaminari, on the other hand, was trying extremely hard NOT to stare. His mind raced with thoughts he couldn’t control, so he focused on the stars that dotted the sky instead. But alas, the thoughts wouldn’t stop. It was a battle with his mind to not think about how much he’d like to take Shinsous hand and confess right there right now. But not making expressions mirroring his thoughts was even harder. There was a tornado of anxiety flowing through him, swiviling inside his chest. He took a deep breath, and looked to his left. Then, he locked eyes with Shinsou.

Shinsou looked away quickly, desperately fighting off any flustered expression that was clawing at his nerves and trying to show itself.

Kaminari on the other hand was hit with a rather sudden thought.

He was looking at me

Kaminari just about ran off then and there. Being alone with Shinsou and suddenly locking eyes like that was, well, very exciting. So exciting he could run laps. Kaminari knew he was overthinking things, but he let himself feel foolish for a while. He locked eyes with the stars again and mentally told them how he felt, and how he needed guidance for what to do in this precarious situation. He had to do something, say something. He begged the sky to tell him.

“Confess” He thought. He’d been thinking that way to much tonight. But He couldn’t, he’d ruin everything he’d built up with Shinsou, telling him he was in love with him would surely scare him away! But he wanted to tell him. So bad. He wanted to finally tell him how he felt and stop this crush. He thought of his feelings like a flame with opposite mechanics. Usually, when you put a flame under pressure it’ll go out. But with love, when you put the flame under pressure (aka bottle it up) it only wants to escape more. Right now, that flame of Kaminaris was enlarging, and dangerously close to escaping.

Shinsou on the other hand was drowning in a goey pit of embarrassment. Overthinking every moment with Kaminari was a habit at his, and he *knew* that this would come back and haunt him late at night. He felt foolish to have let Kaminari catch him staring, he was making it obvious wasn’t he? Shinsou wanted to run away from this entire situation. If it was up to him, he would’ve ran off the minute he saw anyone late at night. But of course, Shinsou just had to ask Kaminari to walk with him. He was starting to regret this decision.

“Hey Shinsou...” Kaminari suddenly said. Shinsou looked back up at him, mentally preparing for Kaminari to call him out for staring.

However, what followed was much more unexpected.

“Do you... Like anyone? Like have a crush on them?” Kaminari asked. Shinsou inhaled quickly, and looked away. Shit, what was he supposed to say?

Kaminaris heart raced way to fast. Part of him wanted Shinsou to say “nobody” or name sombody, that way he wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Sure, it would hurt, but this pining was beginning to get to much. Sure, hed be estatic if Shinsou said his name, or said he liked him, but he knew it wouldn’t happen. Shinsou was out of his league, it was impossible for him to like him back. Right?

“I... I dont know.” Shinsou replied. Stupid, you can do better than that! Shinsou thought.

Kaminari simply said “Oh.” and looked back forward. It wasn’t any of the answers he wanted, this way he couldn’t decifer if Shinsou liked anyone.

They kept walking silently, feeling the burden of their words weighing on their shoulders. Burdens they self created.

After torturous minutes of silence, the 1-A dorm finally came into view.

“I should probably go to bed now... huh...” Kaminari said, but he knew somthing was bothering him. He didn’t want to leave, not yet, he need something more.

“Goodnight.” Shinsou said solemnly, looking down at his shoes. Their walk had ended, and frankly, Shinsou didn’t think there was anything else to say. They’d see eachother tommorow and Kaminari would be back to his happy go lucky self and they wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

Kaminari on the other hand, wasn’t done yet. He didn’t want to confess, not yet, but he could say somthing.

“Shinsou.”

Shinsou looked up and Kaminari smiled brightly at him.

“I want you to know that I...” Kaminari took ina. deep breath. “I care about you, so take care of yourself alright? You get some sleep too, you always look better when you show your body some love.”

“Insomnia doesn’t exactly let me do that, you know.” Shinsou replied. It was miraculous that he could even speak in that moment, Kaminari had just admitted to caring about him. Of all people, Denki Kaminari cared about him.

“I know, but try for me, okay?” Kaminari said softly, his smile falling into one much softer and his eyes sparkling with admiration and compassion.

Shinsou just about melted right then and there. Somehow though, he smiled back.

“I care about you too, Kaminari”

And with that, both boys said goodnight and went back to their dorms. Shinsou had to walk back to the class 1-C dorm, but they shared one thing for the rest of the night. They thought about what had just been said with stupid grins and rosey cheeks for as long as they could.

Caring isn’t the same as love or like, they both knew that, but neither could help but freak out and replay it over and over.

They where just two idiot insomniacs in love, and no matter how terrifying the feelings where, it was the most rewarding thing to finally hear the other say that they cared.

—- end

(YAY!! This took like a week because of procrastination,,, and i used a lot of conjunctions to start sentences... If that bothers you, i am sorry. but ANYWAYS, i REALLY hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i loved writing it. THANK YOU FOR READING!!)

#bnha #mha #denki kaminari #hitoshi shinsou #shinkami #shindenki #kamishin

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akhaziz · 3 years

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**Do not reblog: reposting for anon only**

As-salāmu ʿalaykum anon. Thank you for your message. I’ll try to respond to each point ʾin shāʾallāh though you did have a lot to say:

I understand how frustrating it can be being home under the roof of your parents with semi-adult responsibilities at the same time trying to keep your mother and father happy while balancing familial harmony (siblings, extended family, etc.) alḥamdulillāh. I come from an ethnic European family with cultures and customs that don’t always align with Western norms. I also understand, personally, what it’s like to have people at home who don’t always wish what’s best for you alḥamdulillāh despite trying everything to improve the situation and gain their love, affection, trust and confidence. I know that it wears you down alḥamdulillāh and eventually makes you doubt yourself, lowers your confidence and sometimes can even cause bad thoughts or waswas.

May Allāh ﷻ increase you in goodness, ʾīmān and reward your sacrifice and make this easier to endure. Ameen.

Here are a few thoughts to consider ʾin shāʾallāh:

1.) You aren’t alone. Many young people feel this way alḥamdulillāh. This happens to more people then perhaps you realise and even if you dont have an outlet to express yourself and this person is very near, and the problem persists, know that you aren’t alone for even the blinking of an eye with Our Lord Most Merciful ﷻ as you said in your message.

Everyone in this world has problems and suffers; they feel the worries, anxiety and depression that come along with dunyā. Right now you are facing a test from Allāh ﷻ and what you wrote, though beautiful, doesn’t seem to establish the possibility that this is a massive test and this test requires you to do some things so that you may learn from it and emerge from this with benefits and blessings that inevitably come from strife and struggle.

By blessings and lessons I mean:

1.) Think positively of Allah ﷻ, for He has only decreed this for you for a reason that is known only to Him. In time, the meaning may be revealed to you.

Ibn al-Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah said:

“Every time the slave has good thoughts about Allah, perfects his hope in him, and is truthful in his trust in Him, then indeed Allah will never ever disappoint him nor let him down, for He سبحانه does not break the hope of the hoper, nor will He waste the deeds of the doer.” [Al-Fawaaid]

Allāh ﷻ wants good for you so long as you adhere to His guidance and avoid transgressing His limits and falling into that which He has forbidden. Perhaps what has befallen you has happened so that Allah ﷻ might defend you from something worse alḥamdulillāh; or, perhaps, this is to expiate your sins or ward off tragedy. We simply do not know. However, when we think positively of Allāh ﷻ and live within His boundaries, there are blessings that come that we do not realise and cannot always comprehend. This may be the case with you and those blessings may manifest themselves tomorrow or in the future and so you must think positively of your Lord ﷻ and believe that He will bring you forth from this in a manner that elevates you.

2.) Trials require ṣabr and intentions to be rewarded. Allāh ﷻ has praised those who are patient in the Qur’ān and has prepared for them a great reward and He ﷻ says:

Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account (39:10). The Prophet ﷺ also praised patience and those who have ṣabr when He ﷺ said (narrated by Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri رضي الله عنه)‎‎: “whoever is patient Allāh ﷻ will bestow patience upon him, and no one is ever given anything better and more generous than patience.” (al-Bukhārī 548).

To make this easier to understand, being patient allows Allāh ﷻ to provide you with patience and it’s a circle; you are patient and remain patient and you are given patience and become more patient. A blessing from Allāh ﷻ.

3.) Despite the goings-on at home and with this particular person, this sounds a lot like persistent waswas that is affecting you in such a way that keeps you from sleeping properly, feeling loveable, desired, connected to those around you and more importantly from taking an important step in your dīn which is marriage; if you are a brother, your wife will be half of your dīn. If you are a sister, you will complete the second half of his dīn. This is enormous!

Waswas is serious and it’s why we say: Audhu billahi minash shaytanir rajim. Before you panic, remember that the waswas has nothing to do with matters of ʿaqīdah or ‘ibādah and the salah and ḏikr you perform, rather this has to do with your fear, hesitation and the bad thoughts o the situation/about the person involved in the situation. This is what makes the shayṭān all that much more effective. Also know that this is relatively small compared to what some Muslims experience (waswas affecting their salah, their wuḍūʾ, their ʿaqīdah, etc) and this in itself is a blessing from Allāh ﷻ as you’ve been spared.

Here is the Naṣīḥa you asked for:

—Allāh ﷻ calls the shayṭān the waswas in sūrah al-Nas. You must, at every opportunity, rise above his trickery. Continue the pleasing actions, the loving adoration, the service to and appreciation of this person. Continue to smile, be cheerful, rush to salah, work to perfect your ibādah, read the sunnah, Qur’ān and Tafsīr. Any missteps and you open yourself up to further injury. You can do this ʾin shāʾallāh.

Allāh ﷻ says: “..and hold fast to Allah. He is your protector; and excellent is the protector, and excellent is the helper (22:78).

— You should read Sūrah Baqarah and complete it every 3 nights (couple with Qiyam al-Layl for added benefits and blessings). Our Prophet ﷺ said: “Read the Qur’ān, for it will come on the Day of Resurrection interceding for its companions. Read the two bright ones, al-Baqarah and Al ‘Imran, for they will come on the Day of Resurrection like two clouds or shadows, or like two flocks of birds in ranks, pleading on behalf of their companions. Read sūrah al-Baqarah, for reciting it regularly is a blessing and forsaking it is a loss, and the magicians cannot withstand it.” (Narrated by Muslim Mishkat al-Masabih 2121) The devils cannot bear to hear sūrah al-Baqarah; they flee from it and weaken before the one who recites it, and they are afraid of it. Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه‎‎ narrates The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Do not make your houses into graves, for the shayṭān flees from a house in which sūrah al-Baqarah is recited,’ (Muslim 780).

—Continue to recite the various ḏikrs and don’t skip them (morning, evening, going to sleep, entering home/masjid/washroom as well as for drinking, eating, putting on clothes/hijab/thobe, etc.) as there is a great benefit for you and they will prevent the shayṭān from reaching and impacting you ʾin shāʾallāh.

—Make copious duʿāʾ. Supplicating To Allāh Subḥānahu wa ta’alā will bring you relief and deliver you from this test ʾin shāʾallāh. Know the specific times in your area where ʾadʿiyah are accepted and ensure you do not leave off duʿāʾ.

—Pray the supererogatory prayers in addition to the prescribed prayers. Pray for everyone who is afflicted with calamity, tragedy and mishap as the angels say ameen to your duʿāʾ and say “May you have likewise.” Make tawbah with reckless abandon: Allāh ﷻ says:

“Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver. He will send rain from the sky upon you in continuing showers and give you increase in wealth and children and provide for you gardens and provide for you rivers (71:10-12).”

That said, you must think highly of yourself and your situation and have Tawakkul that this will end and ease will come.

—Finally; begin the search for a spouse when the time presents itself. There are many avenues for finding a spouse but consult those you trust and have your best interest at heart. Allāh ﷻ commands us to marry and though you may not yet be ready, the time will come ʾin shāʾallāh and you should pursue this as you pursue salah, the happiness of those nearest you (as you described) and know that this is temporary. If you feel your mental health has been impacted in such a way where you cannot perform basic self-care or the bad thoughts turn to self-harm, please seek help. If you are a brother, DM and I can assist you as best I’m able ʾin shāʾallāh and if you’re a sister, DM and I can find someone to assist you ʾin shāʾallāh.

I ask Allāh Subḥānahu wa ta’alā to heal you post haste and rectify your affairs while simultaneously bringing you happiness and your grief to an end. He is All-Hearing and Ever-Near and I entrust you to His care for nothing is lost in His Care. Ameen.

Yours faithfully,

Aziz

#repost for anon

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doctorguilty · 4 years

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alright here’s how I’d rewrite Infinite and ergo some of the plot points of the games story.. it got long i got a little carried away lol........................

Infinite’s name probably isn’t that before he becomes a tool of destruction thing but I don’t care all that much to name him something else rn

he also doesn’t have a sword because that’s really not necessary and I don’t know how to make that relevant at all

forget the mercenary thing because it makes no sense that he was “hired” by eggman and that’s also boring. The jackal squad is a nomadic, robin hood type group that steals from bad folks to help other animal people villages in need

to make character relationships.. matter a little bit more, OC is a long time childhood friend of Infinite and they still see one another a decent amount despite the jackals moving around

I don’t really care how or why the phantom ruby exists in fact I’m just realizing there’s a huge discontinuity because according to the COMIC it just.. existed arbitrarily like a chaos emerald, but according to the GAME it seems to be something Eggman fabricated, since there’s “prototypes” in play??? hm hm okay you know what I’m feeling ambitious let’s make both make sense. There is one true phantom ruby that exists, eggman finds it, where ever I don’t care. some legend about, this ruby can bring your ultimate fantasies to life! EXCEPT you need to have, idk, a good heart, a heart of gold, to use it and eggman doesnt have that so he can see the illusion of his empire but it wont become reality

eggman thinks okay well, maybe if I fabricate copies of it I can make a version that will work, which I reckon doesn’t make them “prototypes’ anymore but just, copies, but close enough. however, they still don’t work

now cut to jackal squad raiding eggman for his cool shit. maybe they catch wind about this whole “bring your fantasies to life” power and want to use it for good and they know eggmans vibes are rancid. in any case the jackals make off with a ruby (a FAKE one uh oh!) but not without infinite losing an eye and gaining one big unsightly scar from a fight w/ eggman and he’s like Shook about that but he’s like hm well at least I stopped that terrible guy from harnessing this power (oh no bitch u thought..)

of course the jackals dont keep their spoils but WHO ever could be trusted with this legendary gem thing?!? oh none other than You, Original The Character, aka Infinite’s best friend .............. so he gives the ruby to OC and tells them like, idk allegedly this can make ur dreams come true but I don’t know how it works...oh my eye? yeah I sure used to have two of those but dont worry about it, anyway ttyl stay fresh *saunters off, jackaly*

because the fake!ruby is.. fake, it just seems to be a dud at first so OC just hangs onto it as a keepsake

eggman, pissed about his shit getting stolen and worried what could be done with it sends robots out to hunt down infinite, kidnap him, and drag him back to eggman’s base and demand the fake!ruby back. infinite naturally refuses to tell him anything especially at the cost of putting OC in danger, so he’s like, blow it out your ass

eggman is like HAHA WELL U DUMB SHIT you stole a fake anyway and I have the real one right here.. he uses the ruby to suddenly spawn a bunch of robots and infinite braces himself for the attack... except they go right through him because they’re just illusions. eggman is like FUCK !! DAMMIT! WHY WONT THIS SHIT WORK!! Infinite uses eggman’s tantrum time to rush in to snatch the ruby. when infinite touches it as its in eggman’s hand, however, all the illusion robots become “real” (probably conveying this through effects/opacity), taking them both by surprise. infinite is unable to take the ruby before getting hit with a full force attack from a robot

infinite is incapacitated and eggman grins, like, inch resting...................... you seem to be able to make the ruby work... I will now use you for malicious purposes >:) (cut to black)

NOW when Infinite is in the tube, 1) he already has his mask because the scene with him putting it on and monologueing about abandoning his old identity is unnecessary, it’s more symbolic here, 2) he’s amnesic and I know we did that with shadow already and I don’t mean to overuse it, but I think it works well enough in a different way for this story! Shadow had some fragments of memories and an identity crisis, but with Infinite, his memory is completely wiped (or perhaps suppressed?) and his only understanding of himself is that he was “created” to work for eggman. Even MORE importantly! the stakes are raised because of Infinite’s relationship to the OC--Infinite cannot remember them which makes attacking them a lot more heart wrenching ESPECIALLY when we get to a point where OC begins to recognize their brainwashed best friend using one of the (apparently) very same rubies given to OC to try to destroy them with

this also adds more tension to all the scenes where Infinite is taunting and threatening OC on a quite personal , rivalry-like level? Infinite would, over time, begin to get an inexplicable sense of familiarity with OC, which causes him to hesitate and hold back

oh and as for the fake!ruby, OC does use it to defend himself just like the first time! it ends up being successfully activated because OC shows a strong will to protect the other civilians. if you haven’t caught on to my cheese, both OC and Infinite have hearts of gold and thats why they can use the rubies. eggman is cheating though by fusing Infinite to the ruby and using him as a proxy for his bad will..... and again, coming back to the cheese, Infinite’s heart cannot be changed and he is not truly “evil” so that’s like, how this is working

I’m way too lazy to fix everything scene by scene because there’s also just SO MUCH wrong with all the other characters and plot but I’m just focusing on fixing Infinite and making him more interesting so I’m skipping to the end..

I’m not entirely sure how I’d order the bosses and what I’d wanna do with the eggman robot phases the whole things was a big mess............I kinda wanna go with what I THOUGHT was going to happen after beating up giant robot thing and then that squid robot breaks out??? and I thought it was going to be Infinite cause that would be much more dramatic? So lets go with that---When Eggman says like, well fuck infinite who needs him? i harnessed the power of the ruby into my robot, he means he literally trapped Infinite in it like, wired up and shit to use him like a power generator. fucked up. Infinite breaks out after that phase of the battle, and he’s like, in so much pain and glitched out on overclocked energy he cant even control what he’s doing.... commence TRUE final boss battle (it can still be a tagteam with sonic), and it’s sad and dramatic! OC pleads (or I reckon sonic, maybe the other heroes too since they talk during fights! like since OC doesnt talk) infinite to remember his true self because they dont want to destroy him

once you’ve depleted his health bar, I’m going to go ahead and use the game’s weird addition of quicktime events to fuel more cheesiness (B/C THIS IS SONIC...WHY DID THEIR “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” MORAL END ON SUCH A BLAND, UNEMOTIONAL NOTE IN FORCES??? shadow didnt fall to his (alleged) death in sa2 for this..............) and you quicktime OC HUGGING Infinite, like jumping towards him and grabbing him in an embrace type of thing! and when OC makes contact with the ruby, it activates, making all the probably hostile glitchy battle terrain or whatever dissipate, infinite stops being like.. idk lookin like he’s being electrocuted, and his mask fades away .. exposing Infinite as his true self once again

the in between the lines intent here, again since OC doesn’t talk, is that OC’s fantasy was to bring Infinite back so they could be together again. you’re welcome to interpret that as romantic, or platonic, it doesn’t matter! it’s open ended! it’s just supposed to be cute!

idk and then emotional stuff, I’m not entirely sure what it doesn’t really matter the idea is that Infinite is like, remorseful of what happened but everyone ofc forgives him because it’s not his fault , and then he joins up with with everyone to help fix the world! hmm I’m torn between Infinite keeping the true phantom ruby or giving it to the OC, like giving it to the OC makes sense, but for the sake of like, hypothetically bringing Infinite back in a future game and having special powers, it would be perfect if he kept it and that was his thing, he uses the power of virtual reality to help people and fight evil and whatever

I dont know I guess there’s not a lot of sense in thinking too hard since I just remembered none of this is canon whatsoever and we’re probably not seeing Infinite again unless as a stock evil thing to beat up like metal sonic 8′)

I have no idea who i wrote this for I guess myself! Idk if anyone else played forces or cares or w/e but! if you DO happen to be someone who read this and cares about it omg well like feel free to! comment and tell me what you think!!! this was all very stream of thought

#seth speaks #save tag #so i dont lose this in case i wanna come back to it

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you-kinda-smell-like-christmas · 5 years

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Rehab (pt.2)

¡Hola bellos! This is my entry for @pretendcnco 300(?) followers challenge! Congrats babes on hitting that milestone! I hope you guys enjoy this!❤

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Pairing: criminal!Chris x reader

Warnings: swearing, angst?, mentions of jail, mentions of marijuana, feels, drugs

Word Count: 8.1k

“Forget all we said that night, no, it doesn't even matter, 'cause we both got split in two, If you could spare an hour or so we'll go for lunch down by the river, we can really talk it through.”

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Christopher's POV

The pouring rain outside foreshadowed the mood for me all day. I've been stuck in jail for 15 days. 2 weeks and 1 day. It's been 15 days since I was dropped off here, and 15 days since the break up. I've been feeling nothing but pain, sorrow, hurt, and regret. Regret for my past, my actions, my self. But most importantly, I felt regret for letting her go so easy. Then again, there's not much you can do to contact someone when they arent on your visitors list, or just dont want to see you at all. All I know is that I need to apologize and explain myself to her. I cant let her go that easy.

Walking out of my cell, I approached the makeshift cafeteria and was given my breakfast. Breakfast today consisted of pancakes, blueberries, and a carton of milk. Just like Y/N used to make. Only much more edible. Nevertheless, I ate the slop. The meal had reminded me to much of her that I didnt realize I started to cry until a tear landed on the plastic tray. God I miss her.

Sulkingly, I finished the breakfast and stood up from the metal table, throwing my trash away, and returning the plastic tray to the men who were working the cafeteria. Heading towards my cell, I had some major thinking to do.

Arriving at C153, I entered, and was locked back in the tiny cubicle. As I looked around the room, my eyes landed on a picture. Inmates were able to keep some form of personal life with them during their stay here. Mine just so happened to be a picture. A picture that held a thousand words. In the picture, Y/N and I were on our couch laughing at god knows what and just having a good time. Though, my ass was high as fuck that night, I still remember the lecture she gave me. The lecture that ultimately landed me here. The lecture that tore us apart.

"Christopher stop! That's too much."

Christopher had arrived home high as hell, and you weren't letting him off easy this time. You and him say om the couch. Your legs intertwined with his, holding hands, with your head on his chest. What started off sweet would soon turn into something you may regret.

"Chris, babe, you're high again. You need to drink some water." You tried to help him recover.

"I'm fine Y/N." His words slipped up, and he definitely was not fine.

"Chris stop! No you arent. You need to get some rest, and drink some water too." You tried negotiating with him.

"I'm fine Y/N. I promise." Christopher slurridly said.

Sighing, you take a step back. He wasn't going to listen to you. He never does when hes high. You always told yourself you knew what you were getting into, when you started dating a drug dealer. You thought he had changed. You helped him stop his drug addiction. You were there for him. And you always would be. However all good things come to an end. Once an addict, always an addict. Right? Halfway into your relationship, he went back to his old ways. Recieving yet another addiction to marijuana. You couldn't handle this anymore. You needed to stop this once and for all.

You tore the blunt he held in his hand away from him. "What the hell Y/N?" Chris had shouted at you.

"Chris, this needs to stop. Once and for all."

"Why? I feel fine. I'm telling you that I'm perfectly okay right now." Chris fired back.

"No you're not. Just stop." You nagged him on.

"Just shut the fuck up Y/N. I said I'm fine and I mean it. Sometimes you just annoy me. I wish I didnt date you sometimes." He muttered the last part to himself, but you still heard it.

With tears brimming your eyes, you shakingly look up, hoping what he didnt mean what he said. "You dont mean that, do you?"

"Of course I do. You nag me all the time about stupid shit, when you know damn well that I'm perfectly fine of handling it myself."

Ouch. That stung. But then you remembered that he was high and most likely wouldn't remember most of the things he said tomorrow.

So with all the courage you had, you mustered up two words. "Fuck you." You sneered at him, walking to your room and locking yourself in it to hopefully try to get some sleep.

The next morning you woke up, and went to check up on Chris. When you got downstairs, he made breakfast for you. Pancakes, blueberries and coffee just the way you liked it: four sugars with five creams.

He seemed stable today. You needed to talk about last night though. "How was your night?" Chris interrupted your thoughts.

"Good. Pero, we need to talk about last night."

Chris remembers what happened last night, and hes scared to talk about it. Of course he didnt mean to hurt you and say what he said, it just slipped out and was a heat of the moment type thing.

"Mira princesa, lo siento. Nothing I said last night was true. I love you and I love having you as my girlfriend. You've helped me through so much, and I can't thank you enough. I dont know what I would do without you. Tú eres mi vida, mi mundo."

The speech was heartfelt. But you wouldn't let it get to you this time. You needed to make sure Chris was understanding this as much as you were. "Chris, I love you, tú eres mi luz, but this needs to stop. You can't continue to do drugs. It needs to stop. Once and for all."

Chris was silent for a while. Realizing he may lose his love to marijuana. "Princesa, I promise to stop doing drugs. Pinky promise."

Trusting him, you intertwined pinkies, though you didnt trust him fully.

Coming back to reality, I realized I was crying. Sobbing even. I didnt realize how much of an effect Y/N could have on me. I said some stuff I regretted that night, and I broke a promise I made. A promise that led me here. In jail. For what cost? Nothing, because I lost something so great to me. All of a sudden, I remembered one final way I could contact her. I would have to write a note. Grabbing some paper and a pen from my cellmate, I began to write the letter. It would all be coming from my heart.

Querido Y/N,

Dios, where do I start? First off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking a promise I know was so important to you. I'm sorry for being such a terrible boyfriend. I'm sorry for not being there for you, when you were always there for me. I'm sorry for the countless times I've left you sitting at home alone, wondering where I was, when I was out doing drug business. I'm sorry for all the fights I've caused. I'm sorry for what I've said during those fights. Pero, I want you to know that I love you. Te amo mucho. Being in jail, without you gave me some time to think. Think about all that we've gone through, and how lucky I am to even have you in my life. I promise you, after this, no more drugs will be involved. I'll go to rehab, a halfway house, and do anything to get me back to where I need to be. With you. I'm sitting here, writing this note with full regret for my words and actions. Pero, actions speak louder than words, and my actions led us away from eachother. I just wanted to say gracias. Gracias por everything you've given me, and supported me with. I dont know where I'd be if I didnt meet you. You continue to make me want to get better and change for better. One day, we will be together again. I'll always be waiting for you. Whether you're on the other side of the world, or I have to wait a lifetime, my arms are always open for you. Te amo mucho. Forget all we said that night, no, it doesn't even matter, cause we both got split in two, If you could spare an hour or so we'll go for lunch down by the river, we can really talk it through. I love you.

Tú amor,

Christopher

Tears rid the letter. It was a very heartfelt one. Tears littered my face as well. I cant afford to lose her. Sealing it in an envelope with her name and information on it, I quickly say a prayer to God hoping he'll answer me.

Walking out of my cell with the envelope on my hand, I put it in the box labeled "outgoing mail."

Now all we can do is wait.

Taglist:

@smoljoelito, @estoy-enamorado-de-ti, @cncobby, @ericksmamita ,@ellos-me-vuelven-loca

#cnco #cnco blog #cncomusic #cnco angst #cnco fic #cnco chris #christopher velez angst #christopher velez #christopher velez imagine #chris velez #angst?#pretendcnco #congrats babes!#❤

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mamusings · 4 years

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Supernatural Season 2 thoughts

Continuing with my rewatch. This season kicks up several gears on season 1. Overall the storytelling is much better. There is a less formulaic approach to the even the MOTW episodes. Its inventive: you get one from the perspective of the ghost (Roadkill), two that layer in the boys run ins with the law. The first 4th wall breaker (Hollywood babylon), first alt reality (What is and what should never be) and I think the first straight up comic one (Tall Tales). This works much better. S1 episodes give you: a kill, work out the lore, find the creature and kill it right back. Instead of s1 espousing the lore and developing the brothers as a team, we now get to explore the show's moral compas and the complexity of what brotherhood means within it. I think Hollywood Babylon riffs off ditching the initial importance placed on accuracy in how Spn presented itself in it's own storyline. Yep we like story telling thank you, realism isnt really the point. The monsters and sub plots more clearly refract on the season themes and plot.

Supporting characters are another aspect of the shows blooming. They are a much more varied and interesting bunch. Gordon helps explore a key issue for the show - the distinction between being a hunter and a killer. Its significant he appears twice - it's a big issue. The psychics Andy and Ava are fun. Bank heist dude Ronald garners the right mix of derision and respect - I'm not sure spn homages to freaks and geeks hit the right note most of the time. And theres the Roadhouse crew and Bobby who really help flesh out what can become an overly confined universe.

The first third explores grief. You get the contrast in Sam and Dean's personalities in how they try to deal with John's death. But you also get the sense of them learning from each other as the season progresses. Dean tries talking. Sam tries keeping busy. Both grow while staying themselves. Nice. You also get a switch from s1 dominance of Dean's concern for Sam, with Sam's concern about Dean's increasingly high octane behaviour here and it's a nice switch. With grief you get guilt. Sam's is the easier too little too late regrets. Dean's is the motherload of guilt that John sacrificed himself for him. Given the shows dominant theology is Christian I find it hugely interesting that the focus here is on the receiver of the sacrifice. The overwhelming guilt Dean feels underpins the opening episodes, gets hammered home in Crossroads and then comes back for an even bigger bite when Dean does the same to Sam in the finale. Bobby's anger with Dean and Sam's devastation leaves me little doubt that as much as we all love that Sam is back, Dean did wrong here. Although maybe Dean's guilt comes from his low self worth. Sam might cope very differently?? But I do think the zombie episode declarations of 'what is dead should stay dead' make the point that thus wheeling and dealing with death cant be good. I personally find the idea that moral rules dont apply to Sam and Dean because of love is a weak one. I think fandom does spn a disservice by reducing something really complicated here into 'well they are soul mates'. Loving someone is not an excuse to chuck the rules out the window. But maybe the show itself descends into a moral free for all with no underpinning message and the blame lies there? I'm not sure. In a way that is what I'm trying to figure out with these commentaries.

What works better in explaining why Dean does to Sam what John did to him is the other big theme of season 2: the idea that right and wrong isnt black and white. This is the focus of lots of episodes some of which explore whether hunters are just killers. And others that explore at what stage something becomes evil and why. Both these questions are crucial in relation to Sam's destiny and how each of them should respond to that destiny. The first half of the season sees Dean trying out his fathers black/white approach and the hardening off of himself he thinks he needs to achieve in order to kill Sam should that becomes necessary. Its the mid season finale that finally answers that one for Dean. Sam goes proper bad, Dean doesn't kill him. Along the way, with Sam's prompting, Dean questions not only his father but also the morality he had assumed of his hunting so far. How Dean outgrows John is a huge theme for me. I find it fascinating because he remains the same kind of man as John. Tough, difficult etc he diesnt become Sam. What he changes ir accepts are that what he prizes isnt what John prizes, but rather the people he loves and he learns that this isnt a failing or a weakness. But it's a long long road.

Sam wrestles with the fact that he may turn evil trying to find ways to hope and ways to cope. He takes a leaf out of the Dean playbook at gets drunk. He prays. He looks for a safety net getting Dean's to promise to off him. Dean promises to save him, but the message in Heart is that sometimes the only way to save someone is to kill them. However, the other message is solving things one step at a time, making the right play for the circumstances and not drawing one arbitrary line somewhere - be it between people and non-people or even that evil acts make you irredeemably evil. Slippery stuff, but that's what makes it interesting.

One thing I really like in this season is how the brothers begin to influence each other. They are still a study in contrasts, but they try out each others approaches and they've learned to value what the other brings to the table. As Sam says in the opener they have just started to be brothers again. Their relationship is so supportive that the comic Tall Tales reminding us how much they wind each other up is a needed counterpart lest things get just too damn sweet. The disturbing siblings at the centre of 2 episodes is also sends the message that it ain't all roses too. Andy has an actual evil twin. The ending of Playthings with the sisters is filled with creepy foreboding is particular to this episode. One sister gives her life up for the other and it feels wrong. Of course its foreshadowing other famous brothers but let's leave that alone just now.

In terms of Sam and Dean, their brotherhood seems to have kicked the S1 Sam and Dean team up into formidable. Their run-ins with law enforcement moves our perception of them beyond boys hunting into being increasingly impressed as they outwit cops and feds. It also moves their interactions with outsiders beyond gratitude from victims towards validation from peers and this feels important. There's the seamless teamwork with code words and all. But more importantly trust and loyalty - Sam is unswayed under police questioning in The Usual Suspects. Folsom Prison Blues most explicitly highlights Dean's almost fanatical sense of loyalty and paying your dues.

This pays off in the final two parter. As strong as All Hell Breaks Lose 2 is, part 1 is a yawn fest. But what is interesting is that while Sam does his best to found a team, Azazel can just pluck them off one by one by appeals to each person's individual self interest. The only one of the psychics who gets that the only way to win is to stick together is Sam. In my view Sam learned this from Dean. Dean is always playing the stronger together card. At this point in the show, brotherhood is about solidarity, trust and loyalty. That's actually the message here far more than love. Of course they love each other. But that alone wouldn't have got them this far. What gets them here is sticking together. When Dean finally surpasses John in killing Azazel he gets his moment of John unqualified approval and love. But right after comes the key dialogue of the season. Sam says 'you did it' and Dean replies 'I didnt do it alone'. That seems to me to highlight what's been going on so far. Learning not to do it alone. Learning to lean on and accept others. That's where the Winchester boys outgrow their upbringing and themselves.

Addendum: the angel episode House of the Holy deserves a mention. Its so finely balanced between being about angels and not when viewed on it's own. Its only on rewatching that the effects and props leave you in no doubt that even if F. Gregory isn't an angel this episode is about angels. Its curious as to why it's in season 2 rather than maybe in s3 - no angel appears until season 4. I refuse to count Gabriel in s3 as an angel appearance as he's for many seasons yet still just the trickster. So why? Maybe it's to help us understand the significance for Sam? Angels give Sam hope - making it even more awful for him that he is the object of their suspicion. Or is it about the need for faith, which tellingly Dean hadn't got.

#supernatural #spn #sam #dean #winchester

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colitisandme · 5 years

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‘I am sorry, I can’t hear you, my ears are too clogged with rage’ is now one of my favourite sayings.

I am not an angry person. I honestly don’t like anger as an emotion. Before my body decided to spend its days thinking of new ways to test my patience and fast depleting reserves, I thought anger was a wasted emotion. In fact anger, shouting, aggression and general finger pointing makes me feel very uneasy. I despise shouting and intimidation so much I have been known to stupidly hurtle down the road in my bare feet, brandishing my stiletto heals to try and ward off verbal attacks between a purple faced, swearing, irate aggressor and a terrified partner. I have screamed at a sobbing, cowering girl to stay in her car and thrown said shoes at a guy, yelling ‘get the hell away from her!’ followed by hollering ‘you’d better run!’ at the top of my lungs whilst simultaneously trying to call the police at the same time. Stupid yes. What the hell would I have done if he had turned to me and said ‘ no don’t think I will’ ... cry and probably wet myself .. Hoping my catawauling and urine stained trousers would be a strong enough deterrent to stop him coming anywhere near me. But despite the probability of waking up my neighbours with my bat shit crazy screaming and as a result not being invited to the communal bbq due to them thinking I was mad, I could not have stood there put my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes and done nothing. I just couldn’t do that. so it was a stupid risk I was willing to take.

There have been many times in my life When I was perfectly entitled to be angry. There have been many occasions when I would have completely been within my Jess rights to have turned rage coloured purple, swore, stomped my paws, gnashed my teeth, yelled and howled at the moon like some kind of snarling werewolf, gnawing at myself like I was a tenderised pork chop. But I didn’t. I just accepted the situations and swallowed my anger, until unbeknown to me I had swallowed a whole nasty twisted, yarn sized ball of red, malton, lava rage which was just bubbling away inside my body and soul getting bigger by the day. And slowly without my knowledge, I was being turned into a pressure cooker. Ready to explode. That’s what happens when you don’t process trauma. You turn into a walking volcano; dormant but you still wouldn’t want to spend your holidays there in case it went off and the end result would turn you into a human s’more.

Chronic illness and extreme all over body pain certainly has a direct way of really making me adjust my usual Kum by ya, harmonious, zen filled, placid happy care free attitude. Waiting for 16 weeks to see a bloody rheumatologist really does test my sunny nature. Listening to rediculous conversations about how unfair it is that snuffles have floored someone for 3 COCKING DAYS makes me want to gnaw my own hand off in a rage, filled pneumatic chomping episode. In fact here is a short list of things, I have lovingly compiled, which make me cocking furious ... NHS waiting times, the Conservative party, selfishness, unkindness, thoughtlessness, people who don’t know how good they have it. Violence, homophobia, rudeness, the price of gluten free deserts, the fact that as soon as you add dairy free and gluten free together, food tastes like bloody cardboard. You would think with all the 1000’s of people with allergies, they would make more things like don’t taste and have the texture of gravel. Alarm clocks, people who hog toilets- I NEED THEM NOW. People who hate bobble hats - quite frankly if you do I hope you get eaten by dinosaurs. PIP - May you all be turned into bum boils. Flights of stairs, wading through the leaf filled, mud filled path along the main road which I have to drag my case and myself along to get to work. JUST BECAUSE THE COUNCIL DONT WANT TO BUILD A COCKING PATH TO WALK DOWN. ...I AM NOT A BLOODY HEDGE DWELLING ANIMAL, WHO ENJOYS SPENDING MY DAYS ROLLING ABOUT IN LEAVES. Clearly the arsehats in the council must express great delight and cackle with glee, watching me cry and gnash my teeth as I wade through a million sodding leaves to try and get to my bus... swearing and looking like a cross between a walking leaf collage and Stig of the dump as I get into work... Very professional and not at all like a child’s art project... Animal cruelty, child cruelty, people cruelty, bigotry, hateful wankers, clowns, (there’s no need for them) self - entitled aresholes, (no need for them either) losing things, and generally the poor, sorry state of the world at the moment. In fact all of these things make me absolutely and honestly incandescent with rage.

And whereas before every item on that list would have made me cross. I now am very open with the fact I get angry about them. Before I would be frightened to express how I felt about certain moments, certain situations and trauma due to fall out. But now after getting ill, I have allowed myself to be much more open in the way I feel. Not in a rude way but in a way where I finally know I deserve better than being thrown emotional scraps in an attempt to keep me docile and placid. After the trauma, I would then work my butt off to be a better human in order to diffuse the situation, as I believed it was my fault which led to more internal anger towards myself. This in built, all consuming, conscious un-human effort and desire to keep my anger hidden about injustices and trauma faced throughout my life has partly contributed to how lousy I am feeling now. I am now absolutely sure that the anger I have submerged, suppressed and cajoled to stay hidden, has wrapped itself around my muscles, joints, bowels, limbs, throat and hands like thick, spiny, vines trying to drown and suffocate me. When I first went to see my homeopath I told her I felt like I couldn’t breathe or speak and like I was a corked bottle who couldn’t express what I felt due to fear and the incorrect view that I deserved it. But it’s interesting because I am and have always been so verbally expressive. I have a theatre background for gods sake and could readily take on any character and perform it. I wrote, I sang and yet when it came to the simple task of telling someone they hurt me or when I tried to express my feelings as myself and not as a character, the time came and I couldn’t do it. I was standing in the spotlight and I was mute.

I am not now. I have finally found my voice. I know that the vast majority of traumas in my life were not my fault. I am now no longer scared to ask for help, for support, for understanding, for time because I know I deserve and need it. Especially now, especially because my body behaves like an unco- operative toddler refusing to do anything I ask it to do. I am not angry that I am ill. There would be no point in taking my rage out on a situation I cannot control. I am however angry about the things which make mine and others situations worse, because there’s no sodding need to make our lives more difficult. Lack of services, extortionate waiting times, an NHS bursting at the seems with no funding, no staff and no resources to change the situation. I am angry there isn’t more knowledge and research about our diseases. I am hopping mad there isn’t more understanding or support from our communities... I am furious about the injustices we go through, but mostly I am filled with hulk like rage that we are made to feel as invisible as our illnesses and disease are. I am not the kind of person to shout, yell or intimidate. I will not dominate using hateful language or aggression, but I can and will use my words and my Jess ness to try and make a difference, even if it’s in a small way. Becauase I have learnt it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to stamp feet, to cry and chew the carpet with the utter unfairness of it all. It’s okay to gnash your teeth and howl at the moon when you are in pain, or tell someone when they have let you down. It’s human and it’s healthy. If you feel angry please release it in a healthy way. I am not advising to go on a monster, smashing table, hurling puppies out of the way, yelling at babies, rampage, but at the same time please don’t swallow it and remain mute. Even if that moment makes you come up with a 109 creative new swear words, say them in private, under your breath if necessary, but say them. And if you need to feel angry about past situations do it now before the feeling eats away at you until it manefests somewhere else or as something else. We are what we feel. Good, bad, angry, calm, hurt, victim, survivor ... so once we start to fix our soul we start to fix our whole. 😊 So be angry if you need to be, but most importantly be honest with how you feel, and if someone makes you angry or has hurt you or let you down never be afraid to tell them so, because if we bottle it all up, it’s us who really suffers in the end.

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juhlcho15-blog · 5 years

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Top Guidelines Of Marvel

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hellomissmabel · 7 years

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Men of the moon (2/3)

MASTERLIST

Pairings: Vampire!Bucky x reader, Vampire!Steve x reader

Warnings: SPOILERS! Murder (kind of bloody)

Word count: 1k

Summary: Vampire diaries AU with Bucky as Damon, Steve as Stefan, Clint as Matt, Y/N as Elena, Sharon as Caroline, Wanda as Bonnie, Pietro as Jeremy but he’s Bonnie’s brother not Elena’s in this AU, Natasha as Vicki, aunt May as Elena’s aunt Jenna, Tony as Alaric, Sam as Tyler.

A/N: Please note that this is an AU and does not follow the original story of TVD. It will however contain a couple spoilers so be aware before you read! Written for @heartmade-writingbucky!

Series masterlist can be found here

You’re sitting in the Mystic Grill, your diary in front of you and your pen on your lips as your eyes are glued to the back of a handsome stranger. He’s flirting with the girl behind the bar, a redhead whose name is Natasha. She’s Clint’s sister and drop dead gorgeous, a tattoo of a spider on the top of her breast included to add to her femme fatale allure.

You have no idea why you’re so interested in knowing what’s being said, but you just can’t focus on writing anything down as long as his voice keeps penetrating your ears. “When does your shift finish?,” he queries in a sultry tone. “Maybe I can buy you a drink after?”

Yet Bucky is painstakingly aware that you’re more than just a little curious about him, turning up the volume of his voice because he wants you to eavesdrop. “C’mon, Nattie, baby,” the brunet pleads as he licks his lips, “You’re not gonna leave me thirsty are you?”

Just as you’re rolling your eyes at the innuendo in his words, Steve taps your shoulder and presses a chaste kiss to your cheek. “Hi, Y/N.”

“Hi,” you reply with a sweet smile, “Where have you been? I thought we agreed to meet up an hour ago?”

“Yessssss…,” Steve answers as he draws out the ‘s’ while fishing out the corsage he’s been hiding in his jacket. “But I had to pick this up first.”

“Steve!” You squeak his name excitedly, admiring the corsage as he hands it to you with a smug smile. “I thought you’d forgotten!”

He shakes his head and claps the hand that’s holding the corsage with his strong hands, the rough skin complimented by the soft approach of his gesture. “Of course not. I love you and I know how much prom means to you.”

The lines around his eyes crinkle up when he smiles back at you. “I love you, Steve.” He’s about to say it back when another man comes up to where you two are seated and interrupts your moment of affection and tenderness.

“Hey there, Stevie, fancy seeing you here.” Bucky’s blue eyes bore into Steve’s as he sits down next to Y/N and extends his hand by means of introduction. “I’m Bucky, Steve’s half-brother.”

You give him your most gratuitous smile, pretending not to fawn over his good looks, while shooting Steve a dirty glance from the corner of your eye. “Steve never told me he had a half-brother.”

“Yeah, Steven here was adopted and he never really talks about it, ain’t that right?,” Bucky coos as he wets his lips, eyeing you from head to toe.

Bucky then continues to make some small talk, partly to spite Steve but mostly to find out more about Y/N. Now he is truly understands what has drawn Steven back to Mystic Falls. At first he thought it was his pursuit after Peggy’s descendants that brought him back to this godforsaken town, but after gazing only once in Y/N’s direction, he was hooked as well.

She is everything that was good about Peggy, without the filthy sting of Peggy’s other side.

A high-pitched scream resounds harshly in the ears of all the patrons in the Mystic Grill and instantly claims the attention of Steve. Locking eyes with Bucky and judging from his wicked grin, Steve immediately realises Bucky’s mischievous nature is to blame for the recent uproot.

Launching from his seat, he tells you to stay here and asks Bucky to keep an eye on you, fairly certain that Bucky wouldn’t try anything on Y/N as she is the spitting image of Peggy and he, too, might need some time to figure out why exactly just like Steve.

“Now tell me, Y/N, how long have you and Steve been together?”

“About a year now,” you reply earnestly while glancing over your shoulder over and over again to see what all the fuss is about. Your eyes fly over to the bar and you notice the redhead behind the bar has been replaced by a guy. So that’s why Bucky is so interested in you all of a sudden.

“Are you sure we haven’t met before?” His tone is casual but you can sense his impatience, fingertips tapping on the table.

“Yeah, I think I would’ve remembered.” Another look over your shoulder when more people grow curious and rush to the back. “I mean – you certainly don’t blend in.”

“I’m flattered, doll, but that’s not what I meant. What I mean is, do you remember that today, exactly one year ago, you and I ran into each other? You were on your way from the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, in that big blue dress of yours. You were tipsy and lost a shoe along the way. How very Cinderella of you.”

Your eyebrows knit together as you search your mind for an explanation, but it only aggravates matters as Bucky rolls his eyes at your ignorance. “I – I don’t think that ever happened. I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.”

With a cocky smirk, he finishes his drink in one go. “No, it was definitely you. I’d recognise that pair of eyes anywhere. But more importantly, we kissed.”

“Excuse me?,” you blurt out in a hushed whisper, leaning in so only he can hear you. “What the fuck?”

“It was before you met Steve. I actually met you first.” He grins at the memory and the disbelief you attempt to swallow as it feeds the storm in your eyes and consumes you with self-doubt. “Like I said, you were tipsy and needed some help finding your shoe. I merely helped.”

You begin to hesitate even more, stuttering and stammering softly. “I’m sorry, really, I am, but you must be mistaken.”

But then the conversation takes an unexpected turn. As you’re about to get up from your seat and go and see for yourself what’s taking Steve so long, you’re nailed to the spot as you lock eyes with Bucky. It’s as if your entire system has been paralyzed – no, hypnotised. All you can focus on is the movement of Bucky’s lips as he whispers under his breath, that casual smirk tugging on the corners of his lips.

“Hold on a minute, Y/N,” he tells you all too sweetly as his pupils dilate and your eyes mimic his. “When Steve comes back, he’ll probably ask what we talked about. So you’re going to forget what I just said and act normal. You’re going to tell him we had a little chat about…”

His eyes are glued to the corsage in your lap and he chuckles sourly, a new plan forming in his mind. “About prom.”

Steve gets to the alley behind the grill and lays eyes on the dead body of Natasha, the girl behind the bar that’s been serving Bucky drinks all night. Her shift ended about an hour ago yet as it’s always busy at the grill, nobody noticed that she followed someone outside through the back door for a sneaky make-out session. Little did she know it would be her last.

He is convinced this is Bucky’s work, but he will never be able to prove it even if he wishes to do so. Bucky knows how to cover up his tracks, the bite marks in her neck untraceable as Bucky slashed her throat after he fed on her. The sheriff, Sharon’s mother, has also arrived at the scene and she walks straight to Steve, asking him if he’s seen or heard anything unusual while he was inside the Grill.

In order to protect himself, he has to protect Bucky too, so he lies smoothly to the sheriff that everybody loved Natasha and nobody would ever dream of hurting her. Yes, she had her boyfriends and yes, there were a couple men flirting with her while she was on the job, but no-one capable enough of doing this to her.

After giving his statement to the sheriff, he storms back inside the grill only to find you laughing at something Bucky’s said, his arm slung casually around the seat you’re sitting in. Breathing out deeply, Steve takes a couple long strides towards the brunet and sits back down gently, keeping a straight face as he delivers the news.

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marias-studyblr · 7 years

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Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!).

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing.

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

#answered #life advice #self confidence #positivity

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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i hate myself a lot. i constantly think negative and self deprecating things about myself, but... at the same time i act and feel like im better than everyone else. i dont know how to deal with these feelings and im really tired from trying to balance myself out

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you hate yourself so much lovely! It’s really difficult to constantly think so negatively of yourself and you definitely don’t deserve to have to go through that! I can imagine it’s really confusing to deal with such self hatred, but also feel like you’re better than everyone else. Since they’re so contradicting, it seems close to impossible to balance those out, so I can definitely understand it’s really tiring to try and do so.

First of all, I think it would be really helpful for you to get professional help. They can help you figure out why you’re experiencing these conflicting feelings, but more importantly they can help you work through this. They can help you to get a more stable self-image that doesn’t go up and down so much. A good way of getting a therapist is to visit your GP / local doctor and ask them for a referral. You can also do some research online to find therapists in your area and see if they accept self-referrals. You can read more about getting help here.

It might help to address both of these feelings separately. I personally deal with self hatred as well, but I don’t really have experience with feeling like I’m better than everyone else. I hope I can still help with both of those feelings though.

First of all, your feelings of self hatred. I did a training to improve my self-image and for that training we had to keep a ‘whitebook’ (it’s a literal translation of a Dutch word that I haven’t so far found a proper English word for, sorry about that). This is a notebook where you do two different things in. From front to back, you write positive things about each day. This can be that the sun was shining, that you saw your favourite Disney movie, that you managed to get out of bed, that you got a good grade, anything! Do this every single day. Then, try to increase the amount of things you can put down. When I first started, I had trouble writing down three of them. At some point, my therapist told me to increase it to three. At first, I just wrote down things that I did, because I figured doing something was a positive. This kind of eased me into writing down more, so slowly but steadily I could write down more actually positive things. Then she challenged me to write down more things about myself. So rather than the fact that the sun was shining, I’d write down how I managed to go outside to enjoy the sunshine. By doing this I was changing the perspective from the things around me to myself. It was easier to start with the perspective not solely on myself, but by slowly changing that, eventually it’s doable. So that’s the first thing you do. The second thing you do is to connect positive characteristics to the positive things you write down, and you do this from back to front in your notebook. So at the last page, you’ll write the title ‘My positive characteristics’, and you start a list. Every day when you write down your positive things of the day, you try to see if you can connect a positive characteristic of yourself to it that you can write down. Sometimes you’ll have written it down already, that’s okay. These characteristics can also be anything. Mine ranged from loving ballet to being a Disney fan. One immensely helpful tip (at least in my opinion) was that it also doesn’t have to be something you’re always able to do. For example, one time I had written down as a positive thing that I had taken a bath as a form of self-care. During the training, the therapist suggested that I wrote down ‘able to perform self-care’ as a positive characteristic of myself. I felt really hesitant about that, because 99% of the time I don’t do so well when it comes to self-care. But that’s why the words ‘able to’ are so great. Being able to do something doesn’t mean you always can. It can mean sometimes, it can mean 1 out of a million times. But if you’re able to do it that one time, you’re able to do it, and you can put it on your list.

Second of all, your feelings of superiority. I don’t know if what I’m about to suggest will actually help since I don’t have personal experience with it, but it’s always worth a try and I think it can potentially be helpful. First of all, I think it can be good to try and identify why you feel superior over others. Can you write pinpoint that and write it down? Is it merely a feeling, or are there thoughts related to that feeling? If yes, what are those thoughts? Normally I’d say to try and rationalise those thoughts by coming up with counterarguments, however I think in your case that would only fuel your self hatred and that isn’t what we want to achieve. Instead, it might be better to try and think of other people, about what makes them unique. By seeing them as more unique in their own way, you might slowly be able to see that since everyone is so unique, you can’t really compare everyone, therefore no one is ‘better’ or ‘superior’. I hope that this helped at least a little bit lovely!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

#mental health #advice #advice blog #self hate #self image #superiority #feelings of superiority #feeling better #feeling superior #mhapauline #Anonymous

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transhumanitynet · 6 years

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The Future You That You Least Suspect

The other night my teenage boys asked me what was on my mind (likely looking for material to make fun of me. Just kidding, they’re thoughtful kids).

Instead of trying to “kid proof” my thoughts or rush the conversation, I wrote them this letter. First, to explain that I’m consumed by how we think about and where we look for answers to the biggest questions of our time (listed below), and second, to propose an alternative way of finding answers (hint: I found inspiration in an amoeba).

How are we going to address climate change before it creates global chaos?

What jobs will be available for my kids when they finish school? What should they study?

Over the next few decades, how will we re-train ourselves fast enough — again and again — to remain employed and useful as technology becomes more capable?

Can the human race cooperate well enough to solve our biggest problems or will the future simply overwhelm us?

Most importantly, where do we look to find answers to these questions?

Hopefully I didn’t ruin the possibility that my kids will ever again ask me what’s on my mind 🙂

Boys,

There is an old joke where a man is looking for his keys under a street light. Another person walks by and inquires, “Sir, are you certain you lost your keys here?”

“No” the man replies, “I lost them across the street.”

Confused, the stranger says, “Then why are you looking here?”

The man responded, “The light is much brighter here!”

Credit

This comic is as humorous as it is true. All too often, we each do this when we’re trying to solve something. It’s where our brains naturally take us first.

Our imaginations are constrained to the familiar (under the light), so we have a hard time finding answers to difficult questions and problems because the answers often lie in the unknown (or in the comic above, the darkness). Staying in the light is natural, easy, and intuitive, but this limits our discovery potential.

I. How to look in the dark?

History can give us some hints about how others found interesting things in the dark. For example, we discovered that:

the sun is the center of our planetary swarm

the earth is round

the physical world is a bunch of tiny, uncertain pieces governed by quantum physics

Before these became accepted truths, they were very difficult to imagine. This is part because they are non-obvious and also counter-intuitive to our everyday experience.

It’s also because we can’t know what is not known, which means we’re blind to what is yet to be discovered. Don’t believe me? Try to think of something you don’t already know. It’s impossible! That is, until you know it, and then it’s obvious.

Going back to the 5th question, how and where can we look today to find new unknowns (the dark) that help us solve our biggest problems? Where are today’s insights that are equivalent to the sun is the center of our planetary swarm?

I think the most exciting and consequential place to explore is not looking outside ourselves, but looking inside; in our own minds. This is where I see the most fruitful answers to the questions about your future and mine.

What if the next reality busting revolution happened to our very reality and consciousness? And if that happened, could the future of being human be entirely unrecognizable from our vantage point today? I hope so, because the answers to our challenges don’t appear under the lights we have turned on so far.

You’re probably thinking, c’mon Dad, this is crazy talk.

Well, it’s happened before.

II. Thanks Homo Erectus, We’ll Take it From Here

Our ancestor Homo erectus lived two million years ago and wasn’t equipped with our kinds of languages, abstractions, or technology. Homo erectus was possibly an inflexible learner as evidenced by the fact that they made the same axe for over 1 million years.

Imagine trying to explain to Homo erectus a complex phenomena of our modern day society, such as the stock market. You’d have to explain capitalism, economics, math, money, computers, and corporations — after extensive language training and the inevitable discussion of new axe design possibilities (of course, trying not to offend).

The supporting technological, cultural, and legal layers that enable the stock market to exist are the engines and evidence of our prosperity. It’s taken us thousands of years to develop this collective intellectual complexity. The point is, our brains are incredibly capable of evolving and adapting to new and more complicated things.

That our cognition evolved from Homo erectus demonstrates that we have radically evolved before.

III. Amoeba, You’re So Smart!

A few months ago, Japanese researchers demonstrated that an amoeba, a single-celled organism, was able to find near optimal solutions to the following question:

Given a list of cities and the distances between each pair of cities, what is the shortest possible route a salesperson could take that visits each city only once and returns to the origin city? (image credit)

This is known as the Traveling Salesman Problem (TSP), and classified as an NP-hard problem because the time needed to solve it grows exponentially as the number of cities increases.

Humans can come up with near optimal solutions using various heuristics and computers can execute algorithms to solve the problem using their processing power.

However, what’s unique is that Masashi Aono and his team demonstrated that the amoeba’s solution to the TSP is completely different than the way humans or computers have traditionally solved it.

That’s right, this amoeba is flexing on us.

(Note: it’s worth reading about the clever way they set up the experiment to allow the amoeba to solve the problem.)

This got me thinking: when we’re confronted with a problem, we use the tools at our disposal. For example, we can think, do math, or program a computer to solve it.

Professor Aono found a different tool for problem solving: a single-celled organism.

I know what you’re thinking, can the amoeba do my homework or take tests for me? It’s a good question!

Also, kudos to Aono and his team for searching in the dark — this experiment is non-obvious.

IV. Why Am I Telling You About Amoebas?

I strongly believe that we need a major cognitive revolution if we are to solve the global challenges we face. Our species evolved before and we can do it again, but we can’t wait a million years; we must accelerate this evolution.

What I’m saying is very hard to understand and imagine, because it’s in the dark. But bare with me.

The amoeba gives me hope because it didn’t evolve to solve the TSP. We augmented it with technology to accomplish something pretty amazing. Similarly, we haven’t evolved to deal with cooperating on a global scale, battle an invisible gas that warms our planet or retraining our brains every few years as AI takes over more of our work. How can we augment our own minds to allow us to take on these challenges?

Imagine a scenario where you are dressed head-to-toe in haptics (think Ready Player One) that allow you to experience and understand things by feeling changes in vibrations, temperature, and pressure.

Also imagine that you have a brain interface capable of both reading out neural activity and “writing” to your brain — meaning that certain communications can be sent directly into to your brain — the kind of stuff I’m building at Kernel.

Let’s call this a mind/body/machine interface (MBMI). It would basically wire you up to be like the amoeba in the experiment.

Now, what if you were given certain problems, such as the TSP, that your conscious and subconscious mind started working to solve? Imagine that instead of “thinking” about the problem, you just let your brain figure things out on it’s own — like riding a bike.

Would you come up with novel solutions not previously identified by any other person, computer or amoeba?

If we actually had the technology to reimagine how our brains work, over time, I bet that we’d get really good at it and be surprised with all the new things we can do and come up with. To be clear, this is not just “getting smarter” by today’s standards, this is about using our brains in entirely new ways.

Maybe that means that your school today would be in the museum of the future.

People would likely use these MBMIs to invent and discover, solve disagreements, create new art and music, learn new skills, improve themselves in surprising ways and dozens of other things we can’t imagine now.

When thinking about the possibilities, hundreds of questions come to my mind. For example, could we:

minimize many of our less desirable proclivities, individually and collectively?

become more wise as a species?

come up with original solutions to climate change and other pressing problems?

accelerate the speed someone learns (i.e. you get a new kind of PhD at age 12 versus the average of 31 today)

I wonder, is this what you will do at your job in 20 years? Would your mind change so much that it would be hard to recognize your 15 year old self?

Ultimately, for our own survival, we are in a race against time. We need to identify the problems that pose the greatest risks and respond fast enough so that we avoid a zombie apocalypse situation. The most important variable to avoid that: we need to be able to adapt fast enough.

I’m sure at this moment you’re thinking, woah, Dad, calm down!!

V. Your New Job — Being Really Weird (in a good way)

You’re right in wondering what jobs computers will take — if not all of them. They’ll do the boring things that adults do to make money, except far better and for far less money. But imagine a scenario where AI relieves you of 75% of your current day-to-day responsibilities, and is much better at doing those things than you. (I imagined what this world could look like)

A lot has been written, even movies made, about this scenario (e.g.Wall-E). If this happened, would you play fully immersive video games all day? Or live a life of pleasure and be work-free? Certainly possible, although those are linear extrapolations of what we are familiar with today — meaning that’s simply taking what we know today and mapping it into the future. The same thing as looking in the light.

What if millions or even billions of people could build careers by exploring new frontiers of reality and consciousness powered by MBMIs? These types of “weird” thought exercises may be breadcrumbs that extend the considerations we’re willing to make when thinking about our collective cognitive future.

These may be the starter tools that empower us to become Old Worldexplorers setting out for the New World, and journeying on the most exciting and consequential endeavor in human history — an expedition, inward, to discover ourselves.

Dad

orginally posted here:

https://medium.com/future-literacy/the-future-you-that-you-least-suspect-18cf63bd0061

The Future You That You Least Suspect was originally published on transhumanity.net

#climate change #kids #Parenting #Problem Solving #Thinking #crosspost #transhuman #transhumanitynet #transhumanism #transhumanist #thetranshumanity

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