#i dont think ill be able to stop thinking about their existence

[heavens-aesthetic-kitchen]

I just realized I will never be able to leave TF2 behind. I've been in this fandom for over 5 years and every time I think about it for even just a milisecond, I always relapse right back despite being obsessed with something else

I CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS GAME ABOUT PSYCHOTIC MANIACS CRAZY FOR HATS AND KILLING PEOPLE. It's not letting me. I've gained and lost so many friends, but the constant has always been this game. I think I'm done for bruh, I'm never gonna be able to fully move on bahahaha

[skunkes]

not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.

anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like it’s some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you can’t not look at it. it’s like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and it’s exhausting, and you’re so fucking scared of the inevitable.

like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when there’s this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and it’s horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.

I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.

this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it

[phagodyke]

wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that

[tiercel]

Tumblr talking about making its site the same algorithmic slop pile as every other social media bc the users migrating here are too soft brained to curate their own feeds

[diegoshargrieves]

listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"

like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.

[pears-trinkets]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

Oh god now that toh ends with luz being able to travel between worlds ppl are using that to dunk on amphibia. And now that belos died ppl are using that to dunk on su.

They are different shows people! They have different themes! Amphibia is a classic take on isekai as escapism! Marcy went to amphibia to avoid her real life and while she had fun she didnt mature until after she accepted she needed to embrace change in her life! Anne matured in amphibia bc she always recognized that she has her own life to get back to! Sasha matured after realizing that too! Leaving amphibia for good means to embrace the step out of childhood! Something thats inevitable for everyone!

The owl house is about finding a community in midst of ostracization! Luz stayed in the boiling isles because she found people who accepted her quirks! The boiling isles was in danger from a bigot and luz helps her new community defeat him! Its a very queer story! Community is the center of the story so it makes sense for luz to be able to go back to the boiling isles since shes maintaining her place in the community!

Steven universe is about choosing to be kind! Its that everyone has their own specific traumas that they can overcome with the right support! Its about surviving in a world of bigots at any cost, even if it you have to work with the bigots to carve out a space for the people you love! Because people like you exist and theres nothing anyone in power can do about it! Its also a very queer story! The diamonds can never stamp out the off colors because they will always be there! Steven works with the diamonds not because he likes them but because they can improve the world for his family if only he could get through to them! Hes rewarded for choosing to be kind with success because the theme of the show is hope! Hope that anyone can change! But even though the diamonds stop being fascist steven still doesnt like them because its not about forgiveness! Its about fixing things! Stevens just polite about it!

The owl house starts off with the assumption that everyone can change but its not about the potential its about the willingness to change! The focus is on belos, whos had every chance to turn his life around but will never admit that hes wrong! And the show posits that if someone isnt willing to change theyre not worth helping! Its not about whether or not the character is fascist its about if theyre willing to stop being fascist! Several characters stop being fascist and are welcomed by the characters with open arms belos just wasnt one of them! Several characters clean up their acts but dont adequately address the previous harm they did and are STILL fully forgiven eventually! For toh forgiveness is paired with fixing things you just need to give it time!

And theres an argument that some of these shows didnt do their themes well. If you wanted to portray amphibia as an escapism world that the girls need to leave behind to get to their richer futures then having them get such caring found families go against that by giving them a potential of a good life in the isekai world. Steven universe uses the diamonds as metaphors for mental illness and relationships but its hard to stick with that when you also need to consider the countless other gems they hurt. I think its also fair if people prefer one theme over another.

But a lot of stuff i see comparing these shows just go over surface similarities? Like oh shit! These two shows have the same character archetypes! They have the same inciting incident! This must mean that theyre exactly the same in everything but names and artstyle and are trying to say the exact same things! Like. No. Sometimes,,,,,two stories,,,,,,can talk about two different things,,,,,,,

[feelo-fick]

WELCOME TO PHIO'S EXTREMELY SELF INDULGENT AU HOUR!!!

"Oh, FINALLY, another visitor! It's so quiet in here, it's unnerving..."

—

This AU was meant to be posted on halloween but eh.... Happy Thanksgiving? HAHAHHA

still dont have a name for it, but basically, back in october i was suddenly hit with the need to have a halloween au, so now we have ghost-ified prismo and vampire/witch-ified scarab :D ( although didnt finish the scarab reference spread in time because uh, school and i lost motivation unfortunately )

au synopsis and rambling below the cut!!

the premise of this au is simple : scarab is a real estate agent whos known for his manners ( never barges in, always waits to be invited! though it is a little weird how he keeps asking to be let inside even if they already agreed that he was going to come over... ) and efficiency at his job - that is, convincing people to buy high-end housing for a good price. although his social skills need some... work, his ability to persuade people isnt something to be laughed at.

unfortunately for him, persuading the higher-ups is a completely different story - which he learned the hard way after flunking something big for the company. they dont choose to fire him, no. instead, they put him through a trial, assigning him to sell their most unprofitable property : the mansion in a small town locally known for being haunted by an "evil spirit". if scarab manages to sell it (for good profit) within six months, he is excused and is able to go on with his job. if not... well, best not to think about it, yes? after all, he'll succeed with ease - all he has to do is dispel any worries about some fake "ghost" that only exists as a result of filthy rumors. maybe clean up the place. not too hard, right?

meanwhile, stuck inside said mansion is an extremely bored prismo. hes been hangin around this place for like... how many years now? forty? a hundred? meh, all the same, lately the place has been quieter than usual. i mean- of course people dont just walk into a creepy mansion every day, but there would usually be at least a few bold kids or vloggers coming in now and then for him to entertain but even then they wouldn't stay long ( for obvious reasons ). and now, just some unbound spirits or dumb animals would pass by and thats about it. a guy can only entertain himself for so long, yknow?

that is, until today. when some posh-looking business man entered the premises and started snooping around ( whats the deal with that, by the way?? ). must be prismo's lucky day!! this is the perfect chance to pull out all the stops and play the FUNNIEST prank ever! hah!

... oh. looks like things've gotten a little out of hand.

—

WOOT WOOT WOOTTTTTTTTTTT!!! im so so happy to finish this because ohhhhh my god this has taken ages for no reason other than the fact that ive been really dragging myself to make presentable art JSNDJSJXNSJX.... i realize that i have never worked in real estate ( or at all ) which means i have probably fucked something up but uhh um ill deal with the backlash later :"D im also realizing how many odd unanswered bits and bobs this au is going to have in the future, which... i am ignoring for the most part for now, but there are SOME things that i DO have figured out like ghost lore... but thats for another time, for now i leave you with this >:)

[ronkeyroo]

A positive Update

Friends, kind folk - Hello Again 🤍

Ever since my last update post, I've been thinking about it , a lot ;; I knew I needed time to cook and reflect, and im so glad I gave myself that...

2024 started rough for me; I fell severely ill again - I was too busy cursing my life and dwelling over how betrayed I felt by things still not getting better despite my efforts that I didn't realize I was walking into a self fulfilling prophecy. Its true that the struggles I'm going through are yet to be solved, that its gotten so much to the point giving up seemed easier, and that a couple individuals haven't been making it easier on me either; I swayed and i rattled and I steered within feelings ranging from confusion to anger to dismay and all of this back and forth did nothing but remind me of yet another self-destructive loop I just don't want to allow in my life anymore. Its exactly the kinda stuff that made me ill to begin with, and I've been so lost dealing with everything in between that i forgot to tend to the actual core centering all of this...

It grew unbearable how much emotional and physical turmoil I was pushing myself into, and knowing how intertwined these two elements have been; I had to draw a line before i majorly screwed myself over, gathering any bit of inner will to discipline myself back into some sort of clarity, enough to at least look through a lens OUTSIDE my pain for once, towards the kind of life I want to lead, and the kind of life I don't; and I came to an understanding.

From my physical state to my mental, to the people and memories I've experienced, both the good and the bad - I want to prioritize the good.

Not in a shitty ass, toxic optimism kinda way but in a "I want to prioritize knowing and living the possibility that even when it hurts, even when i want to be gone, even when life doesn't align - There's still every good reason in the world to keep moving forward, to face things from a perspective of growth & compassion, and to grow to love the promise of a better tomorrow even when today was unbearable." To know that I don't end or begin in my suffering, that the infinite potential I speak so fondly of applies to me, as well...

I want to be able to wield and create and share that goodness, too, Especially when it is already in decline...And for all gods sake, to internalize that all of this STILL exists and STILL matters even when it doesn't work the first couple or dozens of times.

As for my place here in Tumblr...I know the sentiment might feel silly to some but the experiences, memories, and connections I've made here have truly been such a significant force in my life, and i don't want to give up on that ;; Not because of my own insecurities, or an inner state of hopelessness, and especially not over a bunch of emotionally immature Anons that dont know how to handle themselves; I want to forgive all of that.

I'm stubborn, and there's an unyielding force within me that no matter how many times it is struck down, it proved itself ridiculously resilient. I'm perking up with with a fiery confidence realizing just how many times it rose back up, enough to realize it is an unchangeable part of me ;_; I shouldn't underestimate that force, and I want to keep living by its side. Whatever positive change I can sprinkle onto my life and the lives of those I care for, I will! And the reason why this space in particular is so important to me, is because so much of that already exists here, alongside you folks;

THAT'S the kind of energy i want to nourish and walk into the new year with! I want to continue growing as a person, challenging my inner turmoils, undoing the self punishing dogmas that still haunt me, stop flexing my teeth over things that don't deserve my time and god DAMN, just - indulge in the stuff that makes me happy, even when I'm going through unhappy times.

So yeah...I guess that means, I'm back & I'm staying ;_;)🧡

I know i may seem like a broken record when it comes to expressing gratitude but - Thank you, thank you thank you everyone who have reached out for me, who so fondly kept me in their thoughts and kept encouraging me whenever i was hurting, both then and now...You folks mean more than whatever ailment or struggle I can go through, and while I'm unsure of how the future will look like as I'm still going through various challenges- I couldn't have asked for a cooler, sweeter audience to have by my side whenever Its time to take a rest or hype over our sexy delicious blorbos!

Speaking of which....................I have been cooking quite a lot of things in the time i was away 👀✨ I most definitely intend to serve them, eheheh

[poems-of-the-anentomologist]

another poem about him

why does your voice sound so harsh now,

why am i afraid to ask you a question? the last time i asked you answered so roughly,

my mind forgot your name for the briefest of moments

where did your smiles go? did i take your joy when i left,

or do you only smile when im not around?

you smile with her all the time i see you together

if you hate me, just say it, tell my heart to stop caring,

maybe then ill be able to let go

id cut out my throat if you never want to talk to me again

i just want to make you happy,

i just want to give you the joy ive never been able to hold within me for long

i just want to hug you and cry and let my head spin away to the side as i die,

in your arms,

just like i promised myself,

that one time,

but i bet you wouldnt remember me whispering it to your mind over the other thoughts in your head

for now,

ill hold my hopes, my love, my dreams of when we become friends again,

tight to my chest, and

pray, pray to the god i dont think exists,

pray i dont turn bitter,

pray that ill still find love for you,

pray that youll remember me,

pray youll find someone better and forget,

pray and pray and pray until im dead,

as the bell tolls once more

[growling]

due to being both aromantic and aplatonic i feel pretty "eh" to both concepts of friendships and relationships/couples in media (and in real life too but i'm more. discreet about it) which makes interacting with fandom works and such.. pretty frustrating at times

im more averse to romance in real life than in fiction ill have to admit, like, most ships i don't mind. im still more able to engage in shipping in my free time, but that might be because, like, when i ship characters i don't really... do it in a romantic sense i just mash them together, i like deeper bonds/relations/connections like that, and "ship" is a pretty easy term to apply to it as and kinda accurate, i don't know, hard to explain. but when theyre depicted to do traditionally romantic things together or just put emphasis on looooove and go all dovey-eyes in fanart then i must leave. i had enough i have assessed the situation and im leaving

but. i also don't like friendships in fanworks. which sucks so much because this is what, like, most other people that don't like romance gravitate to too!! and they put.. so much, like, moral stuff into liking it too like, saying that if you dont appreciate platonic relationships enough then that means allonormativity rotted your brain or something. many other aro & non-aplatonic people just go "romantic ships are so overdone so heres more art and works where characters are just allowed to stay friends, maybe even friendships are just superior anyway" and like i am happy for you don't get me wrong go enjoy what you like but.... friendships just always make me go "ewww". and unfortunately i cannot just choose not to see it either, platonic relationships are never tagged or anything except on ao3 or something. a lot of media/content (god i hate that term for fanworks..) by aros for aros just focuses on platonic love & relationships instead and sorry i cannot relate and the growler feels a bit alienated. not many people even know that aplatonic people exist anyway and if they do then they dont have the best opinion of us.

so like, god i hate clarifying this i feel like it goes without saying but whatever i don't want to get accused of hurting peoples feelings by saying this: i am not saying to stop making fanfics of platonic relationships or that if you like friends in fiction then i think ur lame or something. im just saying that this is one part of fandom i just, cannot really like. not just fandom either. friendships are everywhere i swear and there is no way for me to avoid those either, and if i ever voice that it repulses me, i get treated like a freak even by spaces that are supposedly aroace & sex/romance-repulsed friendly and yeah it kinda sucks .

anyway friendships are overrated i don't want friends i want evil advisors, loyal goons and homoerotic rivals and fucked up hero-villain and whumper-whumpee pairs and even more fucked up guys with their fates forever entwined and bonded for life close in the way rats tied at their tails are even as they desperately pull and scratch and bite to get away is that too much to ask

[cometrose]

yap about uhh zhongli and azhdaha (please)

I believe I already talked about zhongli and azhdaha but everytime i reread the last lines of their dialogue together I feel so ill, its just like getting sucker punched

first there are theories that azhdaha could be the geo dragon sovereign and I mean its certainly possible. First he is described as the "Lord of the Vishaps" and he lashes at Morax for being an usurper which is the first time this word has been brought up within the main story itself. Plus Morax also struggled to seal him away during the fight showing immense strength so maybe?? I am leaning towards this theory but I have no idea really.

It would make zhongli and azhdaha's relationship 10x more interesting but a billion times more complex.

But that aside reading through the zhongli's second story quest, I think its interesting how Jiu (evil azhdaha) refers to zhongli as a traitor/betrayer this could refer to the fact that morax sided with humanity to stop him or it could refer the heavens and the authority of the archons.

anyway im still crying because morax sharing his power with azhdaha to stop his erosion is so sad but he can't stop it so he has to watch his consciousness and reason turn to nothing. I can't imagine its not only finding a new enemy but losing a friend.

Azhdaha also holding Morax is very high esteem is also super interesting. Apparently in the chinese text it signals that morax had azhdaha's respect or support in the sense that if azhdaha was the geo dragon sovereign he willingly allowed morax to use his power.

I could talk forever but as you go through act II azhdaha recites a poem "a star appears within the wild...a sun ascends as bright as...jade" LISTEN my number 1 theory for what zhongli's true form is, is that he is a star, just a fallen star for the heavens, so not only is this line super important but it also reflects how much meaning morax had to azhdaha. A blind dragon yearning to see the sun, morax embodied that sun is almost every way.

azhdaha uses kun jun to track down morax but also senses morax is no longer than geo archon, i wonder how he found him then- just the scent of the divinity?

"even without a god above, this remains a nation of men. I was once their god. I ought to be here to witness their rise and fall." ugh zhongli please dont say such things

"you were always the strongest among us, yet it would seem that even you have been eroded" see now im confused and upset. zhongli says he struggled to seal azhdaha away but azhdaha also refers to zhongli as the strongest amongst them. the truth seems as that both of them were very close in power with zhongli just peaking over him. When it comes to their fight in the chasm, it seems morax fought azdhaha alone and out of the chasm while 3 of his adepti prepared the seal in Nantianmen. (fun fact you can see the stone formations where morax "dragged" azhdaha out of the chasm)

BUT azhdaha also says that morax came to him not as an assassin so he was willingly sealed away. BUT then zhongli is like the "movements of the Earth Dragon can tremble the earth and shake the heavens. with your abilities even at my full strength i struggled to confront you, let alone seal you away." First zhongli refers to him as Earth Dragon as in a title so wink wink nudge nudge are you the sovereign azhdaha? then zhongli kind of emplies he wouldn't have been able to seal azhdaha had he not consented to it, but azhdaha also believes zhongli was still stronger than him. I guess for now we have to accept both truths.

Also im upset please dont say such things, like the fact that zhongli has eroded in his own way makes me sad.

"you may live forever, doomed to a lonely existence...yet even this is temporary" FUCK. Like this is also part of the reason I think zhongli is a star, because eternal life? loneliness? the sun shines brightly all by itself casting a shadow on everyone and burning whoever gets too close. zhongli is bright and beautiful but he ends up losing everyone within his orbit, like this is so awful but like the adepti, the archons, azhdaha, guizhong like everyone close to him is always dying. even though he lives amongst humanity now he is still going to watch all of them die. someone hold me!!! Azhdaha does say he will meet all his companions at the end, but that could be an eternity away from now.

Also after this zhongli is like my lifespan can't compare to yours, the life of an elemental being is longer than anything but wait a second, in xianyun's story line she mentions that adepti are pure elemental beings. so like is he or is he not an elemental being. If he isn't why is he called the prime of the adepti, if he is why does he state that he could not compare to the lifespan of an elemental being. then again morax could be non-elemental being that just ascended to the title of adepti.

But- kun jun states that if he were not an elemental being morax would've killed him a long time ago, so maybe it's less of the lifespan but more to do with a cycle of rebirth. In the sense you cannot truly kill an elemental being as they will simply revive or come back to life thousands of years later. who knows!

"that day in the chasm? did you hesitate?" "a heart of stone is a heart nonetheless" I don't even want to talk about it, to this day this is still the most homoerotic line in the entire game. i feel so ill, want to throw up.

I'm kind of curious when zhongli and azhdaha met, because azhdaha is like I was there with Liyue's founder, as in he was there when the harbor was founded 3,700 years ago and was sealed 1,000 years ago. BUT liyue was founded before the end of the archon war, hell it was founded at the climax of the war, so were zhongli and azhdaha already partners when zhongli became the geo archon? If so it could grant more meaning to the idea that azhdaha approved of zhongli as in he accepted morax taking his authority IF he was the geo dragon sovereign.

"you're leaving?" dont talk like that zhongli it makes you sound (and me feel) pitiful

See also zhongli is like “centuries have past since the day azhdaha attacked but the events remain crystal clear in my mind” so like i feel zhongli erodes in a different way than azhdaha i don't think his memories are just degrading away.

BACK to the power thing, zhongli says despite being the victor he cannot claim to be stronger than azhdaha, because in his heart he still retained good will, and although he wished to be sealed away, erosion made him forget this wish. SO azhdaha says morax was stronger but zhongli says azhdaha was stronger.

In this situation, zhongli could be referencing power of will. In the sense that even though zhongli won the physical fight, azhdaha was still "stronger" than him because, despite losing his memories, he still retained goodness in his heart. I will leave the power thing between the two as "ambiguous" just for my peace. But zhongli could also be saying that erosion made azhdaha "weak" in some way and if not for that he could not have bested him in battle.

Erosion talk makes me sad, zhongli describes his erosion as "people abandon and surrender the things the love to pursue the right path". And god it hurts, he loved azhdaha, truly! But to protect liyue zhongli had to turn his back on his companions. there are probably so many people zhongli loved that he couldn't protect or couldn't be with to protect liyue.

Which is why I don't think I can be too harsh on him for stepping down as archon. Not only is erosion more dangerous the stronger the being is, but for a god that has lived so selflessly for all these years I cannot blame him for wanting to cherish the things he personally loves for once. But even then he still loves liyue so much he wants to watch them grow for many years.

So uh yeah azhdaha zhongli hurts me soooo because it was never meant to be, but there are a lot of theories out there that could change the dynamic of their relationship so I am just not sure. But i do like them together I wish azhdaha would come back simply because it would make zhongli happy.

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

the thing is - pro prostitution activists (and people who agree with idea) usually never suggest their 'perfect system'. On average, they just scream 'it needs to be legalised and then everything will be great', sometimes you get few ideas on how to protect "sex workers". But you know what? Whenever I do see such discussions and their suggestions, I can easily come up with 3 different scenarios where their rules and laws won't work or just would/can be ignored and women would still be harmed. EVERY TIME. People did and do all kinds of shady stuff, even in highly regulated industries + cool phenomenon called 'corruption'. Do they really think men give a shit about law, especially those who don't see women as human beings (and its all of them)?

The pro 'sex work' discourse is just people using fancy words to state that they don't believe misogyny exists, women are exploited, but most importantly they believe that men's pleasure and need to masturbate (with woman body) are more important than women's feeling and right to be save.

i recently had a very frustrating and saddening exchange with a woman on here who is in prostitution and kept saying the same thing (it should be legal) over and over again and when i told her it is legal in germany and it has not made things better just shifted problems and increased demand she said well but its legal that is definitely better. and you know i myself dont advocate for prostituting oneself to be illegal at all, i think its crazy that 30 % of women incarcerated in the usa where its fully criminalised are prostitutes, but it seems like usual people are only able to grasp the two extremes: full legalisation or full criminalisation. when in reality, abolishing the sex industry is a lengthy and complex process, but you have to start somewhere.

they say, „you wont stop prostitution by criminalising/outlawing it“ but think they can somehow stop the harm of prostitution through legal means, lmao (which also ignores the inherent harm of bought consent compared to freely given consent and knowingly making someone endure sexual acts for money). there has to be a cultural and legal and economic shift and thats a lot. we have to alleviate poverty from women systematically affected by it (single mothers, immigrated women, mentally ill, disabled, addicted women, and so on); this means pulling out the roots of misogyny and we all know this is not in the works. the difference between them and us is, we think a different future is possible if the effort is put in, but they dont. which is so fucking bleak and tells you a lot about how women see their own position in society, and the chances of it getting better.

even if you dont criminalise buying sex, you could still make it more difficult to buy sex. „but then it will move back to the black market“ honey its already there, even here in germany where its legal. so much prostitution is happening invisible, in apartment buildings and deserted areas. we should work towards ways how to reach women in these situations without legalising their abuse. if there was a perfect solution that immediately solved all the issues, we would advocate for it, dont you think? but there is no perfect solution and just accepting men will always use their money to coerce sex is just not something im okay with and we, as a society claiming to want gender equality should be okay with.

why not reverse what we have in germany right now? instead of prostitutes needing to register, its sex buyers who have to register. they need to do regular health checkups. they need to carry their sex buyer id with them or they will get fined. the registry is public because wives, daughters, partners and even your employer should be able to make decisions based on the knowledge that that man is coercing women into sex with his money. most sex buyers are partnered you know. „the government will never do that“ well they sure as hell wont if nobody advocates for it and instead opts for the lazy, superficial „fix“ of legalisation? and also, they say an issue under criminalisation is that prostitutes and other „sex workers“ are hassled by cops. well do tell who will enforce those sacred regulations you want? if it was for them, everybody would just „mind their own business“ and the state does not interfere with the sex industry at all and they somehow think this will protect vulnerable groups?! it doesnt make any fucking sense.

it is really frustrating to me. at the end of the day you have to ask, what is your feminism, if you want to accept, regulate, institutionalise, normalise, legitimise and legalise this form of systemic sexual abuse (because using your money to coerce sexual acts IS abuse of power) at the hands of men instead of working towards a future where we are equal? there is no equality as long as the sex industry exists and profits off and reinforces social inequality, specifically misogyny and racism.

[lostconductor]

really longwinded fuckass trans oc essay

despite being trans myself i don't really think any of my trans characters actually satisfyingly explore the trans experience to me, which is fine because a trans character can just Exist, but also i do wish i had more characters who's lives and identities are affected by being trans. because my experience so far is that being transgender has affected me in a way where i feel proud to wear the label on my lapel because i've come this far. but i find that in most of my trans ocs' stories, being transgender is either a: destigmatized and/or b: not a problem (hormones and medical transition readily available, taken care of). there's that line between "do i really want to write transphobia into a world where everyone can just be happy?" and "i want a character that's had one of the genuine modern trans experiences" (i say one of and not "the" because there is no The Trans Experience).

then theres project moon world. where gender is and isn't important because gendered bodies and traits do exist, it's literally just the names that are subverted. but (at least as far as i personally know, i dont know anything beyond lobcorp, half of ruina, and everything up to like the lab half of yi sang's canto) we don't actually see or hear any discussion of gender or gender issues, or anything implying that a gender inequality or trans people even exist. which is fine i guess. not the main focus when people are turning into giant monsters and killing each other with giant swords. but it makes it hard to picture any sort of modern experience and relationship with gender in that world that'd match up with anything we relate to. body modification is a commodity and normalized there. you can get surgery to transfer your body into a robot body as long as your brain is intact. you can replace your head now. top and bottom surgery is ancient news, that's just normal. you can replace your head with a triangle now. do people still come out of the closet? does gender even come into play with sexuality anymore? does anyone give a fuck when people are turning into monsters and shit? it sounds like a nice world, where you don't have to constantly be on defense because someone might kill you for being a little too queer, but it also makes it really hard to visualize anything you can relate to without it seeming a little old-fashioned or silly for it to even exist

in my salem world buggy / skuggy being trans was me slapping it on them because i was trans and i wanted to connect with my ocs. i honestly havent revisited them in a while so i forgot a lot but i tried to work it into their stories but mostly ended up thinking longer on it for skuggy as kind of just him crawling out of a bad home situation and him being able to transition finally being his foot down on earth away from that old life. like shedding a shell into a new one. yeah things still suck and i'm heading for a town that's going to kill me, but i finally am on t and i can start saving up for top surgery. but after that point in his life it fades to the background and it's just normal. i think my salem folks are the closest ill get to being able to explore a genuine transgender experience

farrow is weird because the entirety of his life he's been kind of accustomed to playing this certain role and sticking with it, and losing himself in the tough guy facade of uncaring manipulative loner that he just becomes it and doesn't see another way until he's literally killed for being a prick and reduced to a speck that can't hold that facade anymore after being put into his place. as a child he was androgynous and didn't care about it but was still a boy. but the moment he's forced to stop revolving his life around the sole purpose of survival (in fact probably now the opposite) and has to be forced to face what actually lies beneath that facade he's implanted into himself , that nonbinary elephant in the room suddenly gets very very big and loud and he's forced to stare it straight down. i explored his very disorienting confused tiptoes into gender expression and identity mostly in private because i got shy being anything less than funniejokes about my ocs, but it was really just "i think i might be nonbinary but i have a job so i cant think abt that rn" "oh shit im unemployed im fighting these fucking demons" "why did being called this term awaken something in me" "oh god help me". i think i explored and pushed it the absolute most in band au where it's the most similar to modern day reality and just got to make him a little thing. but it's kind of the same thing where while i did get to explore his gender presentation and his thoughts on it and how other people close to him reacted to it or affirm it it i don't ttthink it has a lot of bearing on his character. which is fine i guess. i dont know how i feel about characters who's entire basis is being trans. but i guess that is literally just how it is irl being a stigmatized group you are just Defined by it bc it affects Everything In Your Gd Life. idk where im going with this

idk the thing that prompted this is just thinking about my lobcorp ocs because it is so. HARD. to relate to any of their trans experiences or write anything resembling a modern trans experience with them. they live in a hyperdeveloped future, why Wouldn't they have access to hrt and gender affirming surgeries. why Would it have any bearing on them what gender they are, they have to go die in a Nest or smtng tomorrow. i think a lot about eva and griffin and even like myukeu or roger/mags. i'm trying to go back and think about how it might've been for eva growing up but the most i can think is that he probably just stayed in the closet until he built up the courage and his parents were just "oh okay cool i guess. maybe you wont be limited by the glass ceiling now. finish your damn homework" like just such a anticlimatic end. (but even that response implies any sort of gender imbalance or acknowledgement of gender in this world and honestly, with all the women taking leadership and even mastermind roles in this world there is no way that's anything close to canon. also i dont want to write in fuckin misogyny. but thats the thing in a modern au His Parents Would Fucking THink Like That his identity gender and all takes a backseat to his Purpose. but its hard to write that when Everyone Is Just Like That with gender). like yeah i can write this character juggling work and arranging pharmacy prescriptions and fitting in a daily t shot into his routine and having to recover after top surgery but once he's socially transitioned even if he doesn't pass it doesn't have a bearing or effect on him because It Doesn't Matter Here You're An Employee All The Same. his identity is an afterthought in the corporation. the only time it comes up is when he befriends other trans people and has that "oh hey" feeling of solidarity or when years down the line he's getting freaky with julian and has to explain no an abnormality did not scar me those are surgery scars. im trans. and then it's fine

idk this is a very looseform ramble because in the end i don't know what my actual thoughts are. i guess i yearn for just a mundane trans experience. which is why i'm so drawn to band au / modern aus of any kind because it lets me write these people being Very Mundane Normal People. sure writing them in doomed time loops and turning into giant monsters and harnessing powers beyond comprehension is fun but also i really like writing mundane shit even if its boring to read. why do you think i spamdraw post-lobcorp so much. theyre normal. anyways time to brainrot more over band au than the actual canon

also if there have been any mentions/discussions of gender in projmoon games i would 100% be down to read an analysis or whatever. this isnt a projmoon haterpost believe it or not it's just me thrashing within the nonexistent box i've put myself in.

i like mundane modern trans characters. i like trans characters that look like people i would meet irl and just Exist the way we do irl. i dont care if there is no transphobia in the world i just need to see them being mildly inconvenienced by having to do advanced aerobics to take off their binder or experience gender euphoria after wearing a tank top and jeans. i wanna see them having a sleepover and getting their nails painted for the first time and just going "oh my god i can actually be pretty thats just something i can do". idk. i think i just want to write more trans joy into my stories it's just hard when there's a more prevalent ongoing plot going on (hell timeloop and melting away of identity)

[thenightfolknetwork]

Im a nypmh. A forest nymph specifically. My days are spent dancing and singing and existing in the forest I was born to. Its great really. My forest is even protected so I dont need to worry about any sapios coming in an bothering me!

But Im also trans. Im a guy. But nymphs are supposed to be feminine and Im. Not. Ive already felt myself loosing connection with this forest as I begun transitioning. Im scared that if I fully transition, Ill lose it entirely. Can that happen? Or is the forest just disappointed in me?

Should I stop my transition? Ive tried to communicate with the forest but she wont respond to me when I bring it up. Im just not sure what to do

I'm sorry your forest seems to be struggling with your transition, reader. However, I think there is plenty of reason to stay optimistic here. You know as well as anyone that, if a powerful nature spirit really doesn't want you around, you'd know about it. The fact you still have a connection with her means she still wants you to have a connection with her.

You're correct in saying that nymphs tend to be female, but my understanding is that this is a linguistic matter rather than a biological one. The word we use for females of your genus is “nymph”, while males with similar cultural identities tend to be referred to as “satyrs”.

Your feeling of disconnect are very likely more related to how you perceive yourself rather than how the forest is perceiving you. The fact is, you cannot simultaneously think of nymphs as inherently feminine, and of yourself as a nymph, while also respecting and celebrating your own masculine identity.

Your forest can feel that inner conflict. She can see you're no longer comfortable with your identity as a nymph, but doesn't have the tools to help you through that discomfort. All she can do is try to give you space, loosening her hold on you and allowing you the freedom to make your own choices.

So, what are those choices, exactly? For one thing, I certainly don't think stopping your transition is a good idea. Your gender is not defined by your body, and a lack of medical transition won't make you any less male.

It also won't solve the underlying issue – that you, as a man, do not feel able to identify as a nymph. In fact, I suspect it will serve to disconnect you even more from your body and your forest, with the pain of dysphoria acting as a constant reminder of the authentic, masculine self you're trying to hide.

Instead, I recommend either unpacking your gendered assumptions around being a nymph, or embracing a positive, male alternative identity for yourself. Do you feel able to say of yourself, “I am a man and a nymph and these do not contradict each other”? Or would you be more comfortable identifying as a satyr or some other identity that feels more affirming?

There isn't a right answer here. You need to find something that works for you. But you do need to make that decision, and try to heal this conflict inside you.

As you do, I feel certain your connection with your forest will bloom anew – different than it was, perhaps, but also more authentic, connecting not with a mere idea or aspiration, but with the man you truly are.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]