#i dont think i could handle even one bittersweet post

[snarky-wallflower]

for the fic writers ask: 2, 14, 33, and 37! or any combination of those if you dont wanna do em all lol.

<3

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

okay, so my top-used five tags are POV Third Person, Angst, One-Shot, Not Beta Read, and Canon Compliant. I think they do explain my writing habits, because I really love getting into the implications of a story, and I am. bad. at waiting for betas sometimes, and not great at continuing a story for longer than a couple of thousand words.

14. Are there any tropes you would only read if written by a trusted friend or writer?

honestly, i'll read a lot, so nothing immediately comes to mind?

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read?

stares at the WIPs I have not updated for nearly SIX MONTHS pas de masque, The Show Must Go On, I am so sorry. honestly, I really never plan out my chaptered fics, as the evidence shows - but a chaptered fic I'm recently proud of and that I actually finished was about three chapters, and 24k, so I'd say THAT was my ideal chapter length to write. so much fun. at some point, i need to reread my own fic. And I can and will devour 100k-300k worth of epics, even if I haven't been as good as doing that recently as when I was younger. shoutout to you, @acaciapines, whose TOH daemonverse fics are something i am SO excited for. you're gonna kill it.

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it?

ohhhh okay, one of my favourite fics I ever wrote would be always be my favourite ghost, from Night in the Woods. It explored grieving Casey Hartley, and how at the end of it all, so much of his life was left unresolved. how he never even got a funeral. it tugged at my heartstrings, that part killed me. so i decided to write people holding one for him. i really loved getting to explore his relationships with those around him, even if he wasn't there. from bea barely knowing him but still being pissed that he'd been taken, from angus knowing that he deserved better, gregg losing his closest friend, and to mae knowing that she'd missed out on so much of his final years, and still missing him anyways. and to maybe, knowing that if she'd stayed, she could have fallen for him. (shoutout to @doyouhearthunder for inspiring that part, as I read all of his NITW fics and that definitely played a role there.) i think i explored grief well there - in a game that has such a bittersweet ending, there aren't many threads to resolve. but this was one i could resolve, and i don't have any regrets about how i handled it. in the end, casey hartley mattered to people, no matter what that cult thought. that wasn't something that could ever be taken away. and it never got much traction because i posted it in 2023, and the game came out in 2017. but i'm still glad i did. it turned out really well for a fic i wrote mostly on a red-eye flight at 1 am.

thanks so much for the ask!

[jxpper]

re reading this in ‘23 is like fucking whiplash. this is from jan/feb 2020. it’s June 2023 now.

I wanna reflect a little if you’ll let me. I haven’t had any sort of space to explore the domino effect that came after this. how, because of this day, life changed in more ways than I could ever describe.

we now know that all three of us had COVID. and according to data, there were actually far more cases in the United States than they had thought (most of them in the state I am in)

COVID caught up to me within less than two days of posting this because of my weak immune system. I can only describe it as a rapidly draining battery, as I was the last to get sick but went from fine to exhaustedly ill within hours. I dont remember the two weeks I was sick aside from one instance where I stared at a wall for hours, and another instance where I had to go up to my attic to cool my fever down because the fever gave me hives. but that was many moons ago.

it was after this experience that my healthy grandmother started having a series of miniature strokes. small enough that we didn’t notice until they added up. the best explanation they can give us is that COVID induced blood clots leading to the strokes. She developed vascular dementia from it, and I watched as the long term effects of this virus took away my grandmother from me as she not only forgot, but went mute.

at the request of her doctor, she was moved to a much safer place than my home. It was a last resort that took a lot of time for me to reconcile with. But her doctor explained, over and over, that it was no longer safe for her to live with me. he explained to my mother that the level of care my grandmother needs wasn’t something we could handle. That me sleeping in the day and mom sleeping at night to make sure grandma didn’t wander off was not a sustainable life. because trust me, she wandered. She loves her assisted living home, they treat her like family, and it was the right, albeit painful, choice.

My grandmother losing her memory so close to the death of my grandfather was like losing them both simultaneously. If you know me, you know that losing my grandfather was like losing my world. Losing him was taking the training wheels off of my bike and then crashing off a cliff. But to lose my grandmother’s spirit with him, there is no word beyond devastation to describe it. I am not the same person I was back then. I am hollow now. I kept her dog after she went into assisted living, and the dog had to be put down due to congestive heart failure. the hollow became infinitely bigger. I think the stress of losing the two people who loved her the most broke her heart. I get it, it broke mine too.

My grandmother is mute now, save for a few words that I don’t think she even understands she’s saying. she does recognize me, but not her children. even when she does recognize me, it’s as bittersweet as it is happy. she smiles, she says “yeah!” very excitedly, and to be honest, it’s heartbreaking to see her, a woman of so many words of wisdom, become reduced to short one worded answers.

one very beautiful thing amidst all of this is that she sings. she knows songs from the 40s, 50s, 60s and so on. It’s the only time she talks beyond her singular worded responses. She hums the tune, nods her head, sings the words. I took her out for Mother’s Day to get ice cream and they played old music at the ice cream place. I tried to record a video of her singing, but instead I put the phone down, smiled, and sang along with her.

during COVID, my mom made masks for healthcare workers. She gave them away to whomever needed them in the healthcare field or essential worker field. then, she was asked to sell them at the farmers market. the market asked her to consider baking pies since everyone knows she’s an amazing baker, and the money to support my grandma further was helpful. This spiraled into something we never expected. Masks turned into pies, pies turned into cookies, cookies turned into tarts, cakes, brownies, cupcakes. because of those masks, we now own and run our own bakery that is beloved by our town, and actually, the entire western side of the state.

but the room in our house where she sat and sewed thousands of masks that started that is a room we don’t go into. It’s frozen in time, fabric everywhere, an abandoned sewing machine. my mom can’t walk into that room without a wave of fear washing over her, remembering what those scary days were like. In that room, it is still 2020, the world is still scared, and it’s a shrine I don’t think we’ll be able to tackle for a very long while.

I’ve always wondered what happens after a dystopian movie ends. we never get to see that part in movies. Not really. But it feels like this is what it is. even if that sounds dramatic, it’s true. some days I feel like we all went through this collective trauma, and so many people moved on like it was nothing. as if it never happened. But it did. I’m reminded of that every time I look around.

I want to go back in time. I want to sit down with myself from the day of this original post and tell her everything. I want to tell her not to lose hope, because I know she will. I want to tell her to soak up the moments she doesn’t know are limited. I want to tell her to be brave, but I know that when she wrote this post, she wore a bracelet that said those two words ‘be brave’ and didn’t take it off until it broke this year. I want to tell her that she will reach the other side of this, and things will be painful and different, but she will be alive. She will see changes that are night and day to what she knows, but that it’s going to happen whether she likes it or not so don’t waste the energy fighting it. I want to wipe her tears, tell her that she did everything she could. I want to hold her and give her a hug, one she knows won’t lead to her becoming ill. One where she won’t have to imagine the amount of germs on a person before hugging them.

I want to tell her that her mother gets COVID a second time, but that everything will be just fine. she wouldn’t believe me, most likely. I want to laugh as I tell her that she’ll carry around a bottle of Lysol for the duration of her mother’s quarantine. And I want to tell her that the first time she hugs her mother after the second bout of COVID will be the warmest, tightest hug of her lifetime.

I just want to tell her that it’s going to be alright. not completely. not entirely. it won’t ever be the same. but it will be alright.

and that’s how, the day this original post was made, was a turning point of my life.

PS: oh, and the contractors that I mentioned in the original post? they were working on my kitchen. I still don’t have a kitchen. But I have a bakery. funny how that works.

well, today was hands down one of the scariest days of my life. Yesterday afternoon my Grandmother (who moved in with me about 6 months ago) had just gotten home from Georgia. She was presenting a memorial for my grandad (fun fact: it was at the same place riptide took place in) and she got home and she was sort of sick. Nothing too bad, just congested and had a sore throat. We really didn’t think much of it but my mom decided it would be best to take her to the doctor in the morning

by morning time, my grandma was much worse. She was running a high fever, she was delirious and so weak that she couldn’t even get out of bed without help. I joked around and told my mom they’d probably quarantine her at the doctor’s office since she had been traveling between two international airports. I joked about the coronavirus, but I didn’t actually think it was a possibility.

until it was.

I got a text from my mom telling me to drop everything and take the antibiotics I have on hand for preventative measures (certain bacteria causes my brain inflammation to relapse) and even though I knew that antibiotics won’t help viruses, I took them anyway. I asked her why she wanted me to take them (thinking maybe either mom or grandma tested positive for the bacteria I was avoiding. which my mom did so it wasn’t entirely pointless to take another round) and I shit you not, she sends me a text saying

‘they think grandma may have the coronavirus from traveling’

I. Almost. Shit. My. Pants.

Survival instincts kicked in almost immediately. I remembered that the contractors had just gotten to my house to keep working on my kitchen renovation. At this point, I ran down the stairs faster than lightening and I’m like “guys you gotta get out right now, it’s not safe here. like my grandma just got home from traveling and she’s super sick and the doctors legit think it’s coronavirus, leave now!” and I know in some cases it’d be better to wait until the results came back so I wouldn’t be sending two possibly exposed people out into the world but they hadn’t been at my house long and all I could think was ‘oh my god they need to get to safety or something. they’ll be exposed’. so I hauled these two poor guys out of my house, praying they won’t get sick. at this point, I didn’t even care if I was exposed, it was just like oh shit we need to get everyone out. 

it turns out, the doctors didn’t actually know the protocol on how to handle coronavirus. none of them do. they only find out the protocol after they call it into the CDC and say they have a suspected case — which they had to do since my grandma was showing pretty serious signs that she had the virus. even then, they don’t tell the doctors about the next step of the protocol until the first step is cleared. so like, the CDC told them to gear up and after that, the CDC started to explain to the main doctor how to diagnose it. like, the doctors didn’t just have the knowledge on how to diagnose it or even treat it yet. My mom said that it went from being one nurse to like 4 entirely geared up doctors examining both of them in sort of a makeshift quarantine. 

At this point, I’m full-blown shaking like a leaf in the wind I’m so scared. To see my grandma go from having just a head cold to being beyond sick with a 103° fever and lethargy along with a violent cough, it was horrific. 

Here’s the even weirder part. When the official doctor came in (her name is pam and she’s so cool I love u pam), she never actually said how she knew it wasn’t the coronavirus. They tested for strep (the bacteria I absolutely can’t come in contact with, and my mom’s came up positive later; hence me starting antibiotics again for prevention) and the flu and those were both negative for my grandmother. (my mom’s was originally negative for strep but they called later that night to tell her it ended up becoming positive) but they never actually did do a test to determine whether or not it was the coronavirus. No screening, no labs, nada. We see the list of ‘symptoms’ online a lot, all of which my grandmother was showing. So clearly there’s something missing, something we aren’t being told because despite having all of the symptoms AND having been in 2 different international airports 4 times in the past week, they somehow deciphered that she didn’t have it. That worries me. Not to sound like a total Illuminati conspiracy theorist but like?? what the fuck aren’t we being told?? what changed your mind??

I was deadass waiting for the fucking CDC and Hazmat to come to my house, I thought for sure they’d admit her into a hospital in the city. it was WILD. I was trying to rationalize with myself (and Cait was also trying to rationalize with me lol) but like, how else could I explain it? She just got so sick, so quickly. Never in my life have I ever seen her so ill. 

My point is guys, TAKE THIS VIRUS SERIOUSLY! I know a lot of people are saying it’s nothing. I know there are only 5-6 confirmed cases in the United States but this is a VERY SCARY THING TO GO THROUGH and I swear to you, it’s worth it to wear the mask and wash your hands frequently. I know most flights in and out of China are banned right now but all I could think was like ‘oh my god, how many people are flying in and out of Washington D.C. and Rochester and going to other places.’ like, you never know.

This whole time I was joking around about coronavirus because you think ‘there’s no way it could ever happen to me or someone close to me.’ but IT CAN. IT ALMOST DID. 

and that’s why today was fucking TERRIFYING. 

[abandoned-slippery-soapbox]

Help

I just plunged into a deep dark hole of my most tragic ships and now I can't think of a painless ship to get me out of it.

[julethiefs]

carmen sandiego as the jatp soundtrack

actually yes i am going to combine my two favorite tv shows and you can’t stop me <33

now or never

“clocks move forward // but we don't get older, no”

“keep dreaming like we’re living forever // but live it like it’s now or never”

“and even if we hit the ground, we’ll keep flying”

this song just ??? *screams* carmen right after she escaped vile... her being so excited to explore the world and not caring about falling down and her enthusiasm to stop vile without really knowing what they’re like yet... yeah 

wake up

“get out, get out, relight that spark”

“its not what you lost, its what you’ll gain”

“better wake those demons, look them in the eye”

this song has such jules vibes (jules is definitely julie in this hypothetical au... even besides the names its just so perfect), and besides the fact that julia’s mom is also dead (see necklace theory) jules finding this song and singing it would be so amazing i cannot handle this 

this band is back

“we gotta get ready, cause its been years” 

“can you hear me” “LOUD AND CLEAR”

team red singing this band is back is something that can actually be so personal... 

bright

“life is a risk, but i will take it”

“we will fight to shine together, bright forever”

“together, i think that we can make it” 

do i. do i really have to say how much julethief this is. the way they shine and work well together, the way everything they do is the epitome of a risk but they do it anyways, the way together they can stop vile. yeah i’ll stop now 

flying solo

“my life, my life, would be real low, zero, flying solo”

“if somebody hurts you, im going to get hurt too”

yes i know this song is julie singing to flynn. in this au its jules singing to carmen (or vice versa idk) the amount of brainrot this au can hold... nobody mention stockholm but yeah it definitely fits and just. scream.

i got the music

“weight off my shoulders, dancing instead”

“can't stop the music // back inside my soul” 

i don’t even have coherent reasoning for this one i just think we should get to see jules sing this song and have player rap flynn’s parts. as a treat <3

the other side of hollywood

“we could go make history or you could rest in peace”

“everything has got a price but happiness is free”

“the rain don’t blind the rising souls // they got too much to see”

we all agree that hgc is basically vile but more dramatic and less green, right? also ive been trying to think of which of the faculty would be caleb in this au... i’m guessing countess cleo is the only one who could really pull it off well? but yeah... tr getting stuck at the hgc would be so so good and painrot

finally free

“hearts on fire // we’re no liars // so we say what we wanna say”

“i wanna fly // come alive // watch me fly”

“i got a spark in me” 

“been so long, and now we’re finally free” 

“now till eternity”

this is the ultimate julethief song actually i will not shut up about it (hence the excess of quotes). just !! the way its abt them not hiding anymore, “now till eternity” with “transcends space and time” ... yeah sounds like canon to me 😋  there’s so so so much quality content in this song i love it so much and just. this with julethief ???? my heart can’t handle this kind of excitement

perfect harmony

“bittersweet love story about a girl”

“two worlds collide when i’m with you” 

“we come to life when we’re in perfect harmony”

yes i know this was cs as jatp songs apparently somewhere along the line it dissolved into julethief but honestly are any of us surprised ??? its just so so perfect the way the lyrics describe them is just LGSHDAFLS “two worlds collide” (acme vs jules’s personal wants/desires) “in perfect harmony” *cough cought* did anyone mention the duane interview? no  ‘they work in harmony even when they’re not in the same scenes” yeah practically the same thing !!  (edit bc carmen pointed this out and i am screaming: perfect harmony is basically the tsonts dance scene and i cannot get over this) 

edge of great

“running from the past, tripping on the now” 

“what is lost can be found, its obvious”

“i believe that we’re just one dream // away from who we’re meant to be” 

“we’re standing on the edge of great” 

EDGE OF GREAT MY BELOVED !!! this song is SO iconic and you know whats even more iconic ??? the way it works so perfectly with carmen sandiego... carmen and jules post canon ?? 👀👀👀. i am looking at the lost/found line in particular for that but all of it works so so well (also side note but i would die if we got the classic juke nose scrunches with julethief actually)

unsaid emily

“i should have turned around // but i had too much pride” 

“and write in every empty space the words “i love you” in replace”

“the words i most regret are the ones i never meant to leave // unsaid emily”

to be honest this is the song that stumped me the most? it would take a bit of canon reconfiguring- either we’re making brunt more sympathetic (ew) or carmen grew up with carlotta and then had a falling out ??? i think that would make more sense, especially with carmen trying so hard to find her again after 25 years (the timeline matches closer than expected actually 👀 ) this song is peak painrot so have fun with this besties <33

you got nothing to lose

“ain’t nothing quite like living on the edge” 

“i’m chasing down a thrill, looking fit to kill” 

“you got nothing to lose, boys”

this scene would be so terrifying actually like, we already got the dark!carmen trauma so watching caleb have the ability to manipulate her would just be ABSOLUTE painrot *distant screaming* also the way the offer would be so tempting to team red ?? just bc carmens whole life is living on the edge, chasing down thrills, and being unable to settle down but she stays for jules i. yeah im soft what about it 

stand tall

“and it’s one, two, three, four times // i’ll try for one more night” 

“whatever happens // even if i’m the last standing // imma stand tall” 

“keep holding on, never look back” 

“i keep going on when it’s all falling apart // yeah i know it with all my heart”

thinking thoughts... julethief post canon with this song.... yeah i would be decimated on impact just the way jules thought carmen left but CARMEN COMES BACK.... canon ? i dont know her <33

in conclusion julethief/cs jatp au supremaki besties ♥️

[p---ink]

Bittersweet Escape

Author’s Note: It’s been a while folks. Just wanted to get a few things in order before school started, hope no one forgot about me :). This post is dedicated to @swaggysposts​ who requested the prompts, and themes of this imagine, so blame her for the tooth-rotting fluff and filthy smut. I just hope I did her fantasy justice. Anyway, its a long one guys, I kind of went off the rails. I seriously dont blame you if you don’t finish reading this one. 😂

Summary: The slow burn relationship between Tony Stark and Y/N, leading up to their honeymoon night. 

Warnings: Fluff, Smut, in that order. Age gap, slight daddy/dom kink, slight exhibitionism...and I think that’s it. 

Word Count: 15.2k

Disclaimer: while the pictures in this vision board are not mine, the vision board is. 

Edited on 19 September 2020. Just did some minor editing and a few changes/additions in dialogue near the end. 

You were his assistant. Before you, he couldn’t keep one to save his life. Most of your predecessors couldn’t handle his eccentricity. The ones who could, he fired shortly after sleeping with them. Something about them becoming clingy and demanding special treatment, rubbed him the wrong way. 

But, you could perform your job and more, under the pressures of his personality. When I say more, I mean that you basically carried his company from behind the scenes. You also didn’t pay him any mind. This is ultimately what drove him crazy. 

How could this beautiful woman—who kept him from drowning, fail to give him the time of day?

Naturally, Tony became obsessed with you. He could not get you out of his head. His interactions with you started off as a joke. He would often tease you, flirt with you, and demand outright ridiculous things of you just to get your attention. He once demanded you give him your opinion on the color orange. The days where he called you in his office to hand him things within two inches of his grasp, were the worst. 

You remained a champ, however. No emotion other than content, ever showed up on your face. Some would say your great indifference towards him, is what drew him in. But your beauty, and brilliance certainly didn’t hurt. You were a jack of all trades, that never failed to impress. 

As time went on, Tony’s feelings for you gradually shifted into something more. You both now had months of working closely together for him to realize he was hopelessly in love with you. He hung on to your every word. Valued, your every opinion. Did any, and everything just to accomplish what he thought would please you. Still it seemed nothing worked.

On the brink of giving up, Tony found himself drifting towards the break room where you currently resided. He had been laying it on thick that morning with his clever sexually charged suggestions. He felt like an ass for pursuing a woman who didn’t want him. He just couldn’t believe that the one person he actually wanted didn’t want him back. So, he felt the urge to apologize to you profusely, before he heard you mentioning his name. 

“…and Stark is pretty amazing. Excruciatingly sexy. I really like him.” You admitted into the phone, sighing for a moment before continuing. “But I know we wouldn’t work out. No, I’m not gonna just ‘fuck him…’” You continued your conversation with the unknown caller, but Tony tuned you out after hearing you say you had no faith in your non-existent relationship with him.

No, he thought. I won’t accept it. He refused to let you throw away a chance at something great. 

Come 6:30 pm, well past the end of the workday, you both found yourselves leaving for the elevator. You always left at the same time as him, to avoid the off chance of him needing something long after you were gone. 

You, who were always very perceptive of your environment, immediately took notice of your boss’ unusually quiet demeanor. However, you said nothing, as you both descended from the top floor of the Stark Tower. 

When you first entered the elevator, he took to the opposite side of you, arms crossed as he leaned against its railing, while you stood in front of its panel. You stole occasional glances, and each time you noticed him observing you. He didn’t even try to hide that fact. You dropped a few floors before the silence began to consume you. 

You swiped your tongue over your lip swiftly, before speaking. “Good evening Mr. Stark.” You greeted, offering a tight smile.

“Good evening.” He uttered, as his dark brown orbs remained trained on you. 

“What are your plans for dinner tonight?” You asked, just to spark a conversation. 

“Why? Are you offering?” He flirted, quirking his brow and lips for a split second. 

“I’m craving a seafood pasta.” You informed him, completely ignoring his suggestion. 

“Why won’t you give me a chance.” He questioned.

“I haven’t had pasta in a while now.” You said smiling, turning to meet his eyes. When they read to you dourness, you dropped your grin. He was not in the mood for your usual elusive dance. 

“I know you have feelings for me, Y/N.” He started. “I heard you admit it today.”

You thought about when he could have possibly heard you say that, until you remembered your phone call with Natasha. Eyes now wide in alarm, you asked “You were eavesdropping on me?”

“Why don’t you think we’ll work out?” Tony asked, trying to mask the vulnerability in his voice. He usually did a great job at hiding his emotions, but you proved to be a challenge. He could never read you, but you never failed at reading him.

You still had a few floors to get through, and you knew you couldn’t avoid your way through this one. Besides, avoiding only worked when Tony thought you were uninterested. You inspected him for a moment, before you gave him your explanation. You felt you at least owed him that. 

“Mr. Stark, I do like you. A lot, actually. But I prefer to keep my business separate from my pleasure, whereas you don’t mind blurring those lines.” You looked as if you were about to continue, but Tony jumped the gun before you could. 

“Y/N, with all due respect, if we began dating I’d just fire you.” Tony said with a surprising seriousness, causing you to breathe out a laugh. He lit up when he heard the sound. 

“No.” Is all you simply said, small grin still plastered on your features.

“Okay, but it can’t just be about working here. You’re brilliant, and you practically run this company. If I were to let you oversee a different division, you wouldn’t be directly under me—”

“I wouldn’t want you to do that, just because you like me.” You interrupted. 

“But I wouldn’t.” He told you. “That would be a terrible business move. I would do it, because you genuinely deserve it. All feelings aside.” 

The look you read in his eyes, was vastly different from the ones you had seen before. Yes you saw his look of longing, his look of desire, and of lust. But this one revealed his sincerity. He had nothing to gain. 

Dropping your head down, you found yourself feeling guilty for some reason. “Mr. Stark—”

“Tony.” He interrupted. 

“Mr. Stark,” You corrected, ignoring his look of disappointment. Getting on a first name basis could mean becoming too close. “You’re right: it isn’t just about business for me. If that were the case, i’d just find another job.” You began gnawing at your lip, something you often did when you got nervous. “Its about a secret I have.”

“I love secrets.” Tony chuckled. 

“Well you won’t like this one.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Its actually quite embarrassing.”

“Just tell me. I won’t judge you” Tony guaranteed. 

Before you could start your sentence, the elevator chimed, signaling you that you have reached the first floor.

You couldn’t make a move, before Tony crossed to your side of the elevator. It felt like time slowed when his scent and proximity enveloped you. An inviting smokey aroma, and a hint of black coffee, invaded your senses, sending your mind into a frenzy for a short moment. Then it all stopped almost as soon as it started. He was back to his side of the box. You wondered what that was all about, until you felt the lift move again. When you looked at the panel, about 15 buttons were lit up.

“Are you out of your fucking mind Stark?” You shrieked. 

“You have that effect on me.” He casually replied. 

“What is your problem?” You cried.

“You.” He answered.

“This isn’t a joke, why would you do that?”

“So you could tell me your secret.” He looked at you as if you were being absurd. 

“I would have told you just fine outside of the elevator.”

“So we could be alone together.” He said stepping closer once more.

“I’m your personal assistant. We’re always alone together.”

“So I could do this.” Swifter than his earlier movements, Tony was on you in an instant. He cupped your cheeks so he could meet your lips with his. The kiss felt like you had done it before. It felt like his lips were made for kissing yours. He didn’t even have to gauge what he thought you liked, he just knew. He knew your lips would bend to his will. He knew your tongue would be submissive to his. He even knew, your small hands would find their home around his neck. 

Turning his head ever so slightly to deepen the connection, his tongue darted inside your mouth, tangling with yours. Your hands each went into their own directions; one traveled the side of his face, while the other journeyed across the expanse of his shoulder.  

His hands took a trip of their own. While one remained fastened to your jaw, the other took a tour along the length of your body, taking note of every reaction, excited to learn your person. You moaned when he reached the middle of your back—the action sending tingles up your spine, as he pulled you closer to him. Relishing in the mewl, Tony caressed the area, willing more sounds like the previous one. 

Before he could explore you more, you unwillingly broke the connection. Both of you gasping for air, Tony wanted to be the first to speak. His pupils were now blown and his lips a darker shade of pink. He steadied himself, by placing a hand on the wall beside your head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay” you assured, trying to catch your breath. 

“No. I should of asked.” Bringing the hand that was on your cheek slightly down to your lips, he brushed the area with his thumb, spreading the wetness into the skin. He leaned in for a calmer kiss, capturing your bottom lip between his , sucking softly before letting it go. “What was your secret?” He rasped. 

You were so lost in his eyes, you were barely able to comprehend his words, let alone that he asked a question. “What?” You exhaled, shaking your head slightly in wonderment. You were still surprised a mere kiss could get you so shaken. 

Tony pulled away from you, grasping the railing behind your back, caging you into one place. “I asked, what was your secret.” He smirked, happy to finally be the one making you disoriented. 

“Oh! My secret!” You yapped, at the sudden recollection. So caught up in him, you forgot why you shouldn’t be. Collecting yourself, as well as your thoughts, you braced yourself for his reaction. Breathing in a deep breath of air you blurted “I don’t sleep with people I like” shutting your eyes as soon as you uttered the words. 

Tony stood upright after a moment, dropping his hands, confused more than upset, though you expected him to be the latter. “What do you mean?” He asked. 

You furrowed your brows and gazed up to gauge his expression, before continuing. “I mean if I really like a person, I won’t sleep with them.”

“Wouldn’t you rather sleep with a person you like, than one you don’t?” He questioned. 

“Well, yeah.” You stood up straight, and hung your head down. He almost made you feel silly. “But, um. Well…I haven’t had the best luck with my previous relationships. The eagerness to have sex seemed to be the common denominator. So I promised myself I’d wait until I knew I really liked the person and they liked me. The only problem with that, is that it seems no man wants to date a woman who’s practicing abstinence.” 

“And you haven’t given me a chance, because you assume I’d be one of those men.” Tony presumed. 

You let out a playful scoff. “Assume? I know for a fact you’d be.” 

“What gives you that idea?”

“I know how you are with women.” 

“How am I with women, Y/N?” He dared, awaiting an answer that he could explain away.

“Oh. Are we doing this?” You dared back, raising a brow and a smirk. He nodded matching your sneer. “Just this morning, you asked me why I was a bit groggy. I told you, it was because I lost a few hours of sleep. And do you know what you told me? If I ever want to lose a few more, I should consider losing them with you.”

His eyes formed into thin slits and he pressed his lips in a firm line, cringing at his own words. “Y/N” he started, as he repeated a tsk noise with his mouth. “Sweetheart, I was merely suggesting that I could keep you busy, by putting those lost hours to good use.” 

“And how would you put them to use, Mr. Stark?” You purred, crooking your head to look at him through hooded eyes, and small smug grin. 

“Um…” He pondered, trying to avoid answering “with sex” like he normally would. 

“That’s what I thought.” You whispered. You were a little disappointed to know, that he only wanted you in the way every man wanted you. By this point, the elevator reached the first floor again, but this time you were prepared. Taking advantage of his distracted state, you  slipped through the doors. But Tony wasn’t through with you yet. 

You felt his fingers wrap around your wrist. When you snapped your neck around to his direction, he spoke. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but I’ve been pining after you for months now.” He explained, relieving his grasp on you once he was comfortable that you wouldn’t leave. “Most women throw themselves at me. And it isn’t very hard to seduce the ones who don’t. This means, that besides you, I could have practically any one I want.”

You violently rolled your eyes and blew air threw your nostrils, “And your point is, Stark?” Your hands were now glued to your hips in annoyance. 

“My point is, that I don’t want any other woman. I want you. And yes, I wanna sleep with you, but I also wanna sleep with you.” He exaggerated his words, putting emphasis on ‘sleep’ the second time around. 

You contorted your face into disgust. “Okay I get it, you really wanna sleep with me.” 

“No! Fuck.” He palmed his face in frustration, dragging the hand down slowly to gather his thoughts. “I’m explaining this all wrong. I’m trying to say, I wanna hold you through the night. I wanna wake up and you’re there. I wanna make you smile, and I wanna make you laugh. I would spoil you rotten if you gave me the chance. If I didn’t make myself clear before, I will now: I want you, Y/N. And I know you must think of me as some arrogant son of a bitch, who only wants what’s between those legs” He let his eyes flicker down to your legs, lingering there for a moment before gazing back up to you. “But give me the opportunity to show you that I want so much more.”

He left you breathless moments before in the elevator, and speechless now. “Mr. Stark, I—”

“Tony. Please say my name.” He pleaded, his almond eyes piercing into your soul. It was rare for you to look so vulnerable. You have perfected masking your emotions. So he drank your vulnerability in while he could. 

“Tony.” You said tenderly, tasting the word on your tongue for what felt like the first time. He also took pleasure in hearing you say it. You remained formal to his face your entire relationship, so it felt like you were both reintroducing yourselves all over again. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything. Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow night. I can—wait no, I will get you the best damn pasta, you’ve ever tasted.” He smiled, when you chuckled. “We will spend the night, getting to know each other a bit more. Then, I’ll walk you home, instead of driving, so that we can take in the city. When we get to your place, I’ll give you a kiss goodnight like the perfect gentleman I am. And then I’ll turn around and go home, to think about you until the next time we see each other.” He promised. 

You were in awe at the thought, but were still unsure. “I don’t know.” You answered, averting your gaze from his. You knew that he was a player, and you were afraid he’d hurt you. What if this is all some elaborate plan to get inside my panties? You thought. 

Tony grabbed your hands, bringing both of them up between the two of you, willing you to look at him. “Please give me a chance.” He begged, silently pleading with his eyes. 

And you, seriously thought about what the harm could be. If he ignored your wishes, then he wasn’t the one. Simple as that. So you said yes to his dinner proposal. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

He almost lost all of his composure, when you stepped out of your apartment in the little black crushed velvet dress that hugged your curves in just the right way. You paired it with black wedge heels, that made your delicious brown legs look like they went on for miles. Your hair was done up strategically so, to accentuate your appetizing neckline, and the dark red matte lipstick you wore made your lips look sultry. It was very obvious that you were purposefully trying to test him. But to your happy dismay, he was everything he said he would be.

You had your first date on his private yacht, that overlooked the city. While you could still see New York, you were out far enough to where you could also view the stars. You lived in the city your entire life, and had only ever seen them once or twice. Already, on your first night together it felt like he was spoiling you.

He ordered the most expensive wine for the table, consuming an entire cupful in one gulp, when he watched you wrap your lips around your glass just to stain it with red lipstick. He wished it was his skin instead. He meant it when he told you, sex wasn’t everything, but damn it, that didn’t mean he didn’t want you screaming his name. Still he promised to be the perfect gentlemen, and that’s exactly what he was. 

After ordering you the best damn pasta you ever tasted, you competed with each other, almost as if you were trying to see who could find out the most about the other. He saw an entirely new side of you. You were usually so secretive about your private life before, so he took advantage of the newfound courage the wine gave you. You were also happy to see his more carefree side. He was always carefree, but his usual happy-go-lucky spirit was paired with a suffocating arrogance that never failed to annoy you. This one was genuine, and it was because he no longer had to worry about whether or not you wanted him.

After dinner, he instructed his driver to take you both over halfway back to your place, before you walked the rest. It was about a fifteen minute trek to your apartment, and he took advantage of every second. Every one of them was fleeting, as he fell more and more in love with you. He learned of your interests. Of your desires. Of your fears that came from dating. When you were finished talking, he urged you to continue, dying to know more about the woman who captured his heart. You wanted to know more about him too, but Tony suggested another date in order to satisfy your interests in him. You smiled, at hearing him propose another outing before your first one was even over. 

When you reached your door, he wasted no time in placing his hands along your hips to pull you in for a kiss. This one was less feverish than the one you shared in the lift, but it still conveyed how much he longed for you. He took his time, as he moved his mouth against yours, tongue swiping against your bottom lip, begging for your permission to enter. You granted it, and like before he explored you with his tongue. He didn’t back away very far, in fact he didn’t back away at all. Instead, he let his lips slightly brush across the area that connected your cheek to your ear, whispering a “Goodnight, Y/N” Before dropping his hands, and turning to leave. 

He left you hot and bothered, as you stood outside your door watching him walk away. This is gonna be so fucking hard, you thought. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

Your relationship began almost immediately after that night. He wanted to make you wait until the following Monday before speaking with you again, but you refused to wait that long. Tony being older preferred talking on the phone, instead of texting, despite being a tech genius. When you contacted him through iMessage to ensure he got home safely, he called you immediately to tease you for worrying about him. After you brushed him off, you spent the entire night talking to each other, falling asleep to the sound of the others voice.

He sent flowers to your doorstep, the following Monday after your date. It just sort of became a tradition after that. Sometimes they’d get delivered to your apartment, other days to the office (he loved to see your smile, when you’d find them on your desk). Each time they’d be a different kind with a note attached to them that expressed their meaning. Under the meaning would be a message from Tony himself. Sometimes the messages were cheesy, and other times very heartfelt.

The first bouquet was filled with pink peonies, that according to Tony represented romance and good fortune. They were his attempt at welcoming the success of your new relationship. He even said so in his inscription to you. ‘To the beginning of something beautiful’, he wished. 

After your second date, he sent you yellow pansies, that meant he was thinking of you. In that inscription he begged you to ‘Please slow down, when you race through my mind’. The fifth date, was followed by honeysuckles. They declared his devoted affections to you. Their inscriptions insured that you were the only girl on his brain. 

By the time your seventh date came, asters were his flowers of choice. Patience, was all the card said. He sent those after the first night you spent together at his place. You couldn’t keep your hands off of him.

After the date ended, and he took you home, you barely even gave him the chance to unlock and open the door before you were dragging him towards the nearest couch. You shoved him down on it when you reached it, throwing your thighs on either side of his, before devouring his lips. Rocking your hips against his, you consumed his growls of pleasure. He planted his fingertips in you thighs, slowly inching them upwards towards the hem of your dress. You left sweet pecks along his jaw, before decorating his neck with colorful bruises. 

“Y/N, stop.” Tony ordered through gritted teeth. He felt his dick hardening beneath your movements, but you didn’t listen. Instead, you sucked, nipped, and licked at his skin, dragging your teeth over his throat. When you reached a particularly sensitive spot, he bucked his groin into yours, releasing a nasty groan that sounded like pure sex. Like a flash of lightening, his hands were on your hips, removing them from his as he placed you on the seat next to him. Your legs still dangled over his lap, and you looked at him with a wounded expression that was mixed with confusion. 

“What’s wrong? Don’t you want me?” You asked, adjusting your dress, now feeling very insecure.

Tony was busy adjusting himself too (his pants felt tighter than usual), before he snapped his neck to question you. “What? Of course I want you. Doesn’t it feel like I want you?” He questioned, gesturing towards his prominent bulge. Your look of bewilderment turned into a smug smile as you took note of how big it seemed. “I just want to respect your wishes.” He added, smiling at your expression.

“But, I know how you feel about me now.” You assured him, leaning in for his neck again. He gripped your wrist when your hand traveled towards his zipper. He placed it near your side, before speaking.

“I wanna make sure our first time is perfect. Don’t you think you deserve that?” He asked. You had changed him. The Tony from a year ago would have ravaged you the second you asked him. But this one wanted to make sure there wasn’t a doubt in your mind before you slept together.

“Tony, I don’t care about perfect, I want you now.” You stated, leaning in once again to tongue your name into his skin. He cupped your face firmly with the hand that was on your jaw, beckoning you to stop and look at him.

“Be patient, princess.” He whispered, placing a peck on your lips. 

You began to pout, as you threw your legs off of his to sit properly on the couch. You let the cushions swallow you, as you wore your disappointment in your face. Tony chuckled darkly at the sight before him, enjoying how cute you were being. He tucked his leg under the other to turn his attention fully around to you, letting his palm catch his chin as his elbow lay propped against the back of the couch. 

“Y/N,” He cooed, when you remained focused on the nothingness in the distance. “Y/N,” he purred again, yet still he was met with silence as you trained your eyes on the air around you. When he reached to palm the inside of your thigh, he felt you tense up. He traced love notes against the exposed skin, dropping his free hand down to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. He lightly connected his lips to the shell of said ear, before he spoke. 

“Just know, that when I finally do get my hands on you,” He paused to grip the inside of your thigh, parting your legs slightly before continuing, “I’m not gonna stop until your legs are shaking.” He promised. And with that, he pulled away excusing himself from the room, while you released a shaky breath you didn’t even realize you were holding. 

There were plenty of nights like that one. Your favorite ways to relieve some of the sexual tension were, heavy make-out sessions, risky cuddling, and phone sex. You heard each other’s pants and moans before you would even see the other naked. 

Taking your mind off of sex seemed to be the best solution, however. You were still eager to do it, but Tony took your original idea of abstinence and ran with it. He would never admit to you that you hurt him when you assumed he just wanted to get in your pants. He really liked you, and he was gonna make sure you knew it. That being said, you both did any and everything to keep your minds off of what the other looked like without clothes on. 

You both loved to spoil each other. He was the mastermind behind your more extravagant dates, but you orchestrated your more low-key outings. He would always argue that they were better than any he could have ever thought of, but you would debate the opposite. 

Picnics in open fields, ice skating in central park, even camping in the woods were places Tony made happy memories with you. 

Six months passed since you two got together, and your apartment looked like a floral shop due to the amount of flowers he delivered to you. You desperately fought to preserve them. Though most would die, you saved the ones that wouldn’t, framing them with the notes he sent to you. 

You found red tulips one afternoon after work. You found it very odd, since he always sent you flowers after a date, instead of before one. He always sent them after, to relay his thoughts about how you made him feel. There was no flower meaning under the tulips, just a note from him saying, ‘For a very special woman, and a very special evening’.

He always said things similar to the message above, so while you smiled and held the note and flowers close, you thought nothing of it as you prepared for your six month anniversary.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

“This is where we had our first date!” You beamed, sitting down in the chair as Tony pulled it out for you. He had you blindfolded on the ride there, but as soon as you smelled the sea, heard the seagulls, and felt your heels click against the boardwalk, you put two and two together on where you were. 

“Sure is.” He smiled, as he took the seat in front of you. The warm candle light, instantly lit up his face. He was always clean-cut and prided himself in his attire, but you couldn’t help but notice he was more dressed up for this occasion.

  “It’s still just as beautiful as ever.” You cried, head moving from side to side every so often because you couldn’t decide on which was prettier; the heavens or NY’s silhouette. 

“And this is the part where I say, ‘it could never be as beautiful as you, dear.’” Tony cooed, only half-serious.

“Even your cheesy lines couldn’t ruin tonight.” You joked.

“Oh baby, I wouldn’t think about ruining tonight. It is our six month anniversary after all.”  

“It is? Has it really been that long?” You asked, feigning ignorance. 

“Ouch. Y/N, that stings.” He winced, mocking hurt.

“I’m sorry Tony, I guess I lose track of time when I’m with you.” You purred.

“And you call me cheesy.” He mumbled, cheeks sporting a tint of pink. You couldn’t tell if it was from the cool night’s air, or your comments. 

You chose to ignore it. “Wait, so is that why you sent me those tulips? They were beautiful.”

“Yes it is.” He replied. 

“You didn’t include their meaning. Could it be you’re running out of ideas? That would explain why you took me back to the yacht.” You teased. 

He scoffed at you. “I could never run out of ideas. I’ll take you around the world, as soon as I know you’re willing to let me.”

His words left you confused. “Wha—” 

You interrupted yourself when you heard the sound of soft music. You looked over to see that a lady dressed in white had taken her place in front of a harp. She was playing a gentle melody, when a man with a violin sat down beside her. They played their music so beautifully, it would have made angels weep.

“This is amazing…but where the hell did they come from?” You questioned, making Tony chuckle.

“Oh I keep ‘em under the ship. I only feed ‘em on occasion so they know to come back to me.”

“Okay smart-ass.” You laughed, leaning over to grasp his hand. You thought he seemed tense on the ride here and now. He wasn’t his usual chatty self, and only threw jokes here and there. You stroked the back of his hand with your thumb, and took your other hand to rub circles in his palm, something you learned that eased his nerves. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing. I just want tonight to be perfect.”

“Why?”

“Well because…” He paused for a moment, breaking his eyes from yours. “Shit, well maybe this will help me say what I want to say.” He gestured towards someone with a “come here” hand motion, and not a minute later a huge bouquet of roses got placed in front of you.

Your eyes were wide in wonder as you tried to comprehend the meaning of it. “Tony, this has to be over 100 flowers!”

“108 to be exact.”

“108?! I don’t think my apartment can withstand any more of these!”

“If tonight goes well, that will no longer be a problem.”

You didn’t hear what he said, as you were busy searching the roses in awe. Tony had sent you every flower in the book, but never roses. They were the symbol most known for someone who was in love, or falling in it, yet he never gave them to you. You searched the bouquet for a note but found nothing. “The tulips had no message either. I have to say, as much as I tease you for writing them, I always look forward to what you have to say.” You confessed to him, thinking you had shamed him into hiding his words.

“What I want to say, should be said in person, rather than on a notecard. The tulips stand for love.” He cleared his throat before speaking again. “I have fallen, so deeply in love with you, I can’t even find myself. But if I’m being honest Y/N, I don’t really want to.”

“Tony.” You gasped, heart beating a mile a minute. 

“Please let me finish. I’m so nervous, I could choke.” He was sweating bullets, despite the cold night’s air. You grasped both his hands with yours, gazing into his eyes as he spoke, urging him to continue which only seemed to make him more timid. In an attempt to pull away, he spilled his water on your dress. The cold liquid made you jump up, causing the table in front of you to flip over. Bread, glasses, and candles littered the floor, and your servers were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Tony threw cloth at the ground, as he tried to extinguish the candle fire before it got out of control. “I’m so sorry baby! Oh fuck, I ruined everything.”

“No, no, no, no, no! I’m the one who started the fire. But Tony, look: the flames are out, the view is still perfect, and the roses are still in tact.” You said, picking up the flowers as you tried to make light of the situation. You caused him to laugh, which eased his nerves a bit. 

“The roses.” He sighed. “These little sons of bitches were supposed to make this situation easier.”

“What is so hard about saying I love you. I’ve wanted to say it to you for a while now, I just never had the guts.” You told him blushing a bit. Changing the subject, you said, “You certainly didn’t need 108 roses to tell me. Why that specific number anyway?”

He now felt confident in hearing you say you loved him too. “I’m surprised you waited this long to ask me. It means,” He paused, to get down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

He could read the surprise in your features, as he took the roses from your hand. He pulled the middle rose out of the bouquet to reveal a ring tucked discreetly around its stem, thorns, and leaves. A beautiful Champagne colored diamond, sat between his fingers as he searched your eyes for answers.

“Yes!” You breathed out, dropping to your knees to throw your arms around his neck. You were teary eyed, as you kissed his cheeks. 

This night, on your six month anniversary, you expected Tony to finally make a move in bed. Instead, he left you happier than you could have ever imagined as his fiancé. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

4 months later. 

You were originally gonna get married two months after his proposal, but the girls felt that wasn’t enough time to plan your fairytale dream. While Okoye and Natasha gave Tony a run for his money planning the wedding and honeymoon, Wanda and Nakia helped calm your pre-wedding jitters. 

Nat and Tony were constantly at each other’s throats about how things should go. Where she wanted simple and elegant, he wanted flamboyant and extravagant. She was constantly trying to cater to your style and aesthetic, while Tony wanted things to be over-the-top perfect for you in order to make your night one to remember forever. Okoye mostly stayed out of the planning. She only went along with the two to threaten Tony every minute about treating you right. “Be good to her. Or I’ll kill you.” She whispered to him as you guys went cake-tasting. “If you hurt her, I’ll slit your throat.” She smiled to him, while venue-picking. It was safe to say, he hated your friends, but one thing they all had in common was their love for you. 

You couldn’t stand being around those three when they were in a room together. They wouldn’t let you lay a finger on the planning anyway, so Tony asked Nakia to keep you happy. As his wedding gift to you, he treated you all to a pampering fit for queens. Nakia was in charge of the bridal shower, spas, hair salons, photoshoots, etc., all courtesy to Tony. These were all the ways you occupied yourself before the wedding.

The night of your bachelorette party was one of your fondest memories. You and your friends got black-out drunk as you laughed, teased, and cried with each other. 

“Here’s to Y/N, on marrying the moesinsufabullbasterd on planet earth” Natasha slurred, raising (and spilling) a martini. You assumed she was trying to say the “most insufferable bastard”, but it came out in jumbles instead. 

Hiccup. “Heeesna thaa bahd.” You slurred back, playfully shoving the girl. Your words were just as incoherent as hers. 

Your response caused Okoye to erupt in laughter, before her head promptly slammed onto the table for the rest of the night. She was now alongside Val and Carol who had both passed out within the first hour. Whenever those two got together they always drank like monsters. 

Wanda who was rocking back and forth, looked at you suddenly and began to weep. For the eighth time tonight. “My baby’s getting married.” You were trying to hold it together, but her tears caused you and Nat to explode. You were three sniveling women, holding each other close as you guys bawled in your booth.

Nakia, the only one who could hold her alcohol, was done with everyone’s shit so she shushed you all. “Enough. I have gifts to exchange.” While Natasha and Wanda continued weeping, Nakia grabbed your shoulders, and beckoned you to pay attention. “Y/N, I know you’re hanging on by a thread here, but you need to listen very closely. I am going to teach you to please a man.”

Hiccup. “Nakiaaaaaa, I’m not a virgin silly.” You affirmed, slapping her bare arm.

“I know. But you haven’t been with another person in over a year.”

It was true. You and Tony have been a couple for exactly one year. Its been over 365 days since the two of you had even been laid. You still hadn’t even touched each other. You see, it was Tony’s bright idea to suggest waiting until you were married. He had played the waiting game long enough, so he thought why not? “This will make the event even more special.” He said to you, and to himself.

Little did he know, he would regret it. He didn’t anticipate the wait to be this long. You no longer cared about it as much as you thought you would. You were too busy worrying about the big day. But it was all that Tony could think about. He was on the verge of being feral the closer your special night approached. 

“We have to get you prepared.” Nakia continued. “That is why I brung these.” It was then that she handed you her gift bag. You looked inside to find, a dildo, vibrator, blindfold, handcuffs, etc. There were things ranging from special pills to make you wetter, to anal beads. Everything was a toy, or something related to sex. The bag was filled to the brim. You didn’t know why you were so surprised: Nakia was always the more kinky friend. 

“No, Nakia!” You yapped, a little embarrassed. You were horrified. “I’ll know how to make him happy.” You slid the bag across the table, but Nakia slid it back. 

“Well these will help you if you want to spice things up.”  

You slid it back again. “No thank you.”

“I insist.” She said, sliding it back once again. You guys played that game for a while, but you were so drunk you could play it all night.

“Fine, you stubborn child!” She joked, finally conceding. “But don’t come crying to me when you find yourself clamming up in your suite’s bathroom.” Though she was joking, you couldn’t help but find yourself growing anxious. 

What if you weren’t enough for him? What if after all this time, you didn’t live up to his standards? He had been waiting so long for this, what if he expected your first time to be beyond amazing? What if you couldn’t give him that?

You thought about Tony, who was having a bachelor party of his own with Sam, Bruce, Clint, Thor, Bucky and Steve, and you wondered if they were having a conversation about the honeymoon too. You thought about how his friends were probably teasing him about how wild you were gonna be, since you’ve been sex-deprived for so long. Was he gonna still love you if you weren’t?

You pushed those thoughts to the back of your head, and tried to enjoy the rest of the evening. You looked up and waved to the bartender, shouting “Can we have another round?”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

The ceremony was wonderful, the reception even more so. You had the time of your life, with the people you loved, while they watched you marry the man you loved. Natasha and Tony found a middle-ground to make the day both extravagant and elegant. It was a dream. 

But as soon it was all over, your mind drifted towards the honeymoon. The two of you were finally welcoming the world for the first time as a married couple. 

“Y/N Stark. Mrs. Tony Stark. Mrs. Anthony Edward Stark. Mrs. Y/N Stark.” You practiced to yourself. You repeated his name, which was now yours, over and over in various ways, as you guys sat on his private jet. You would think you were on the brink of driving Tony insane, but he’d be a liar if he said he didnt find it cute. “Why yes, I am Y/N, but you can call me Mrs. Stark. AHH, Tony I’m so excited!” You cheered, slapping his arm repeatedly out of elation. Your outburst, startled him from his newspaper. He had managed to tune out your rambles for most of the flight, but little moments like these were hard to ignore. 

“Christ, sweetheart. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were happier with my name, than you are with me.” He laughed, rubbing his arm. 

“It’s not that. I’m just excited!” You beamed. “We’re married! I have your last name.” Suddenly, you leaned into him, willing him to meet you halfway so you could whisper into his ear. When Tony lowered his head to humor you, you said. “Hey…Between you and me: I could kiss the next person who calls me Mrs. Stark.” You confessed, slumping back down into your plane seat to daydream some more. 

Tony looked at nothing for a second before repeating your gestures from earlier that willed you to lean closer. When you leaned back in, he whispered, “I wouldn’t get that excited, dear. Those lips belong to me now.” He teased, slumping back down before saying, “Mrs. Stark.” He winked as he said the words. 

“Eek!” You shrilled, as soon as the words left his lips. You threw yourself over the arm of your seat to place wet smooches all over the side of his face. Tony sat still, closing his eyes as he basked in them all. He looked at you confused when you suddenly ceased your actions. 

“Hey, who told you to stop.” He asked, but your attention was on something else. Snapping his fingers in your face he gave up when he lost to whatever held your gaze. 

With eyes full of wonder you said, “Wow! This is gorgeous!” You were gaping the moment the clouds revealed the beautiful island of Kauai. Like the wedding, your honeymoon was a complete surprise, which meant you had no idea where he was taking you. “Look at that view!” You gasped, as you admired the clear blue waters, trees, and mountains. 

This was gonna be one trip to remember.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

“Damn!” You sounded, as soon as he opened the doors to your vacation home. “You’ve really outdone yourself, Stark. This is beautiful.” You felt like you said those words in your one year relationship with Tony, more than you have in your entire life. 

“Honestly baby, when are you gonna stop being so surprised.” Tony questioned as he tipped the driver, who also helped lug your bags up. He shut the doors and spun around on his feet to find you admiring the view in amazement. Taking slow strides across the room to meet you, he wrapped his hands around your waist, burying his face in the crook of your neck. Your dress slid up slightly as he pressed his front against your back. Traveling hands turned into curious ones as they smoothed themselves over the expanse of your thighs through your dress’ thin material. 

You felt his hardening member poking your lower back. “Woah! Someone’s excited to meet me.” You chuckled, neck heating up. 

“Try dying.” He responded, squeezing your upper waist before traveling down your stomach. 

“Do you really wanna do this here?” You asked gasping, when you felt his feather light kisses on your neck develop into nips and licks. 

He gripped your waist a little tighter before rasping, “I wanna do it in every room of this house, but yea we can start here.” 

“Tony, quit it. We have so much to do!” You whined, dropping his hands, to skitter away, leaving him in that exact position. Heat burning in your loins, you ignored it to grab your bags from the door. You dragged your luggage to the master bedroom, as you ignored his stalk towards you. Tony, who was hot on your trail, threw himself down on the bed in front of you, laying in a silly, yet seductive, pose. 

You playfully scoffed at his antics. Crossing the room back and forth, to place clothes in your wardrobe, you asked him,“So what’s on the agenda first? The aquarium, bike-riding, snorkeling? Ooo! Should we go hiking?”

He pondered for a moment, placing a finger to his chin to simulate deep-thinking. “Well actually, I was thinking maybe we could break the bed in first.” He suggested, a devilish grin plastered on his features. 

You chucked a pair of rolled up summer pants at him, which landed on his face, dropping to expose his stoic expression. “No! You promised we would do some fun activities when we got here!”

“That is a fun activity. Why go bike riding out in the summer’s heat, when you could ride me right here while in the comfort of your own home?”

“Ugh! You promised!” You giggled, stomping a foot for dramatic purposes. “Besides, you’re the one who said, we should wait until our wedding night. It’s not even 10:00 am.”

“If you actually listened to me, I said, and I quote, ‘Let’s wait until we’re married.’” Tony clarified, sitting up to pull you between his legs, “And now we’re married.” 

You gazed down at him with a stern look that read ‘I’m going to win this’. He gazed back, matching your features, as if to say the same. The both of you were trying to see who would break first. “I don’t have time for this.” You declared after a moment. Tony just sighed as a reply, dropping his head on the mattress. 

  You elected to ignore him, and went back to unpacking, but yelped when you came across something surprising. Tony, who was busy playing with a pair of your panties, didn’t notice what surprised you, but couldn’t help but notice your squeal. 

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, trying to peek at whatever you were hiding under the shirt in your suitcase. 

“Nothing.” You lied, in a sweet tone. He saw right through it though, and began to pry your fingers away. Revealing his findings, he was happy to see the plethora of toys in your suitcase. Nakia couldn’t fit all that she bought you, but what she did manage to slip in while you weren’t paying attention, was more than enough for Tony to work with.

“Woah, woah, woah! Look at what we have here.” Tony gleamed, marveling at a pair of furry black handcuffs. His face was as bright as the day he met you. You were blushing furiously, when he came across a small pink vibrator. “Y/N, you are such naughty girl.” He teased.  

You immediately tried explaining yourself. “I didn’t put that stuff in there. Nakia must of snuck it in while I—”

“Thank you Nakia. I always knew I liked her more than all of your other friends.” Tony joked interrupting you. Then, his eyes lit up when they set upon a pair of interesting looking underwear. His shit-eating grin, turned into a wicked one as he thought about a clever idea. 

“Here’s the deal.” He started

“No, to whatever it is, Stark.” You interrupted before he could propose a stream of bullshit. 

“Come on. At least hear me out.”

“What is it?” You sighed, supposing you could humor him. 

“If you wear these, I’ll go anywhere you want.” He pulled a pair of lacy black panties from the suitcase. They looked harmless enough, until you saw something bulky protruding from their seat.

“Are those, what I think they are?” You asked. Your friend was seriously a fiend. 

“Yup.” Tony said, popping his lips as he said the word. A small smile, took over his lips, as he eyed you. He taunted you with those smug brown eyes. 

You eyed him back, mouth agape, as you thought carefully. You knew he didn’t peg you for taking many risks, but you wanted to wipe that smug expression right off his face. “Anywhere I want?” 

“Anywhere you want.” He mimicked in a promising tone. 

“Fine.” 

“Fine.” He mimicked again, in disbelief that you actually agreed, but he let his face convey that same smug expression. “Well princess, what are you waiting for?” He asked, dangling the pair of lace on his pointer finger for you to take. 

You decided that if he was gonna play games, you’d at least try to play them better. “Put them on for me.”

It was then that Tony’s grin dropped. His eyes that already danced with lust, turned a darker shade of brown. “What?” He asked, voice a tinge huskier than before. 

“Put. Them. On. For me.” You reiterated, speaking slower. Your smile was the smug one this time. You steadied yourself between his legs again, placing your hands firmly against his shoulders. 

Tony placed his tongue between his cheek before his eyes formed into thin slits. Then his face went blank, save his eyes that still burned with passion. 

Without taking the brown orbs away from yours, he took his time dragging his hands up your legs and to your thighs. He admired the supple skin beneath his touch, as they came dangerously close to your heat. 

You were beginning to regret your teasing, when he dug his fingers in the elastic of your waistband, and tugged the flimsy material down. You stepped out of them, suddenly feeling bare as he tossed your underwear to the side. This, was the closest you had ever come to being naked in front of him. He then slipped the vibrating panties around your feet, brung them up your thighs, and stretched the material until it released with a snap that stung and burned your skin. The action made you whimper, and that brung a smile back to Tony’s otherwise unreadable face. 

He then placed the black remote that controlled the panties into his front pocket. “You’re gonna regret teasing me like that.” He warned playfully. But you believed him. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

This is a fucking game to him, You thought as you sat down for drinks. Tony was playing with that damned remote everywhere you went. He pressed it when you guys went to the aquarium. He pressed it when you went sight-seeing. He pressed it while you were on your famous attraction tour. And now, he was currently pressing it while you suffered silently.

Everything, was cut short to less than forty minutes. Everything. But you figured that was his point. The faster you guys got this over with, the faster he could get you back home. Of course he didn’t want to ruin your honeymoon, but at the same time he knew you guys would be here for a week, which gave you plenty of time to complete everything on the itinerary. And if you didn’t have enough time, he could schedule to stay longer. 

Besides, it was amusing to him, watching you squirm in your seat. Watching your eyes roll to the back of your head. He loved the sight of your hardening nipples, through the thin fabric of your dress. And though he was frustrated from your earlier teasing, and was doing this to get back at you, it quickly stopped being about that when he heard your pants and whimpers. Now he was doing it, solely to get you off. However, he hadn’t let you cum yet. He just wanted to bring you to edge, and see how far he could take you before you begged him to fuck you. 

“Can we have two Mai Tai’s” You asked the waiter. Your voice went through at least two notes as you said it. Before you got there, you begged him to make the order, but he wouldn’t show you any mercy.

A worried look etched its way onto the younger man’s face. “Yes ma’am, but are you okay? Should I call a medic?”

“No!” You said a little louder than usual, hoping he couldn’t hear the low buzz of the vibrator. “Its just a slight tummy ache is all.” You lied, moaning a bit at the end. Your fists were clenched tightly above the table, as you tried to ignore what was going on beneath it. 

“Okay.” The waiter replied, worry still on his features. He shuffled away to prepare your drinks, leaving you alone with Tony. 

“Isn't this view just lovely?” Tony asked, watching the waves of the beach crash against sharp rocks and wet sand. You couldn’t help but feel like that ocean, as your dam threatened to snap for the fifth time that day. 

When you didn’t reply, he increased the remote’s level, making you buck forward in your seat, just to lower the intensity back down again. “You okay, sweetheart?” Tony asked you sweetly. The look on his face read sincerity, and if you didn’t know any better you would of thought he was being genuine.

“Bite me, Stark.” You spat. 

“If that’s what you want.” He whispered, hands slightly shaking from how turned on he was. “Whenever you want to go home, just say the word.” 

You sat up straight, glowering at him. “Oh baby I’m fine. We can still go hiking if that’s what you were worried about.”

He exhaled a dark chortle, before bringing himself closer to you. “Y/N, we can always go hiking tomorrow.” He placed his warm hand at the top of the line on your back, trailing it down your spine. “Now why don’t you let me take you back home, so I can make us both feel better.” He was currently flicking the buttons of the controller, back and forth, so that you were on edge one second, then falling back down the next. 

“Fuck you.” You bit through gritted teeth. Your face was contorted in pure ecstasy, and your thighs went back and forth between being glued together and wide open. You were usually such a good girl for him, but this teasing was bringing out a brat. Tony wasn’t having any of it.

“Okay.” Was all he said, before increasing the remote to its highest level, leaving it there to finish you off. 

An embarrassingly loud wail escaped your throat, just as your waiter was heading back with your drinks. He just stared at you in shock, cheeks a brilliant shade of red, while your mouth just hung open. Tony, the cause of it all, nonchalantly played with the straps of your dress and pieces of stray hair, unfazed your embarrassment, nor the waiter’s. 

You held your head down, took your drink to begin sipping, before you turned to him, shame and regret swallowing you. “I’m ready to go home now.” 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

As soon as you two made it back to the house, you sprinted through the house, and flung yourself into the bedroom slamming its door shut. Tony took his time trudging in your direction, figuring you were still pissed at him. 

He knocked his head against the door, and said “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.” In a deep sing-songy voice, before jiggling the now locked door. 

You, who were indeed irked for what he pulled at the bar, yelled “Cut it out Tony. You said we could go hiking.”  

“And we can…after you let me fuck you silly.” 

“You know if we start that you won’t wanna stop.” You reminded him as you gathered your attire for the trek. 

“You have a point” He muttered. It stayed silent for a moment after that. 

Feeling as though he gave up, you began to undress before slipping into your hiking gear. As you unzipped your dress, you felt the panties begin to vibrate again. 

        Your mouth formed into an ‘o’ shape, as you took a seat atop of your bed to spread your legs. The area between your thighs was still tingly from earlier, so the feeling instantly sent you into overdrive. You were a whimpering mess in no time “Fuck, Tony please stop!” You begged. 

“I wanna hear you cum.” He rasped through the door. 

“I’m gonna take them off.” You warned, lying through your teeth. The pleasure felt too damn good. 

“Let me take em off for you, princess.” His words, along with the vibrations against your clit brung you to tears. Now away from unwanted listening ears, you let your moans rip through you as you writhed against the bed. 

“Fuck, baby this feels so good!” You whimpered, when he increased the intensity of the vibrations. Over your mewls, you heard the clinking of a belt unbuckling, shortly followed by the unmistakable sounds of his low, yet rough grunts. 

“I bet I can make you feel better.” He growled. His voice was filled with frustration, desperation, and a man-eating lust that left you drenched in your own slick.

“Oh Tony, s-shit!” You cried, voice quivering with pleasure. You felt your stomach, tighten, and your coil threaten to snap. Your walls fluttered painfully around nothing, as your head fell back. It wasn’t long after that, before your juices drenched the comforter beneath you. It was silent on the other side of the door, and you assumed he came too. Only, you couldn’t hear him trying to catch his breath like you were. It’s like he never broke a sweat. 

You got up slowly, knees a little weak from your second orgasm, to clean yourself up and continue changing. You made sure to rid yourself of those wretched panties while you were at it. 

When you finally opened the door, you were met with an unfazed Tony leaning against its frame. He looked as if nothing happened, despite bringing you to shambles a mere three minutes prior. He directed his attention towards you when you emerged from the room. “Its about time you finished getting ready, I still haven’t changed, yet.” He informed you, winking as he slipped past you.

Fucking bastard. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

“You okay?” Tony asked, when he saw your legs give way a bit. Your previous activities still left you a bit sensitive, and as a result: unbalanced. 

“I’m fine.” You assured him as you guys hiked towards the mountain range. The trail was actually within walking distance of your vacation home, so you didn’t need the car to journey through it. 

“Are you sure, Y/N?” Tony questioned. His demeanor now was different from his previous one. He was so sweet when he wanted to be. 

“Yes babe. Why do you ask?”

“You seem a bit clumsier than usual.”

“Well I get that way after, you know, sometimes.” You said shyly. You guys hadn’t talked about it yet. 

He formed his lips to say an inaudible “oh”. “I’m sorry. I was being a horny dick earlier. Please be careful.” When he said the words, he made sure to trail behind you. If you were to fall, he felt he could catch you before any damage was done. 

“I’m okay. And its okay.” You paused. “I forgive you, I can be a tease so its not entirely your fault. But thank you for doing this with me.” You smiled sweetly, looking over your shoulder. 

“Of course, princess.” Tony smiled back, grinning from ear to ear.

You looked back up ahead, to continue your hike. 

You guys stopped occasionally when you wanted to take pictures. Whether they were of the view, rare birds, the sea, or Tony, you clicked your camera trying to savor every single moment of the trip. 

“Stop. Stop. Stop.” You said to him, halting in your tracks. “C’mere. This is the perfect spot to take a selfie together.” You came across a view through the trees that overlooked the sea. Mountains were up ahead too, and the sun hit your skin in just the right way. The whole thing just  looked so aesthetically pleasing to you, you just couldn’t pass up the photo op.  

When he neared you, you both positioned yourselves for the camera. Tony was only a few inches taller than you, but you still had to stand on your tippy toes to place your arm around his shoulder. In this case, you wanted to place bunny ears over his head. A combination of this, as well as holding the camera left you quite unbalanced. And as tight as Tony held onto your waist, it still wasn’t enough to keep you both from tumbling down the hill just after you heard the shutter of your camera.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

He practically kicked down the door of your house when he came upon it. You were draped around his back like a monkey as he jogged you through the living area. 

“Tony put me down.” You begged. 

“Christ Y/N, I told you to be careful.” He reprimanded, as he placed you on your feet, pushing you down on the couch. He ran to the nearest bathroom, ransacking the contents of the medicine cabinet for a first-aid kit. 

When he found all of the necessary supplies, he came rushing back to tend to your wound. If you could even call it that. It was a small bloody scrape on your kneecap, and he acted as if it needed to be amputated if he didn’t treat it soon. 

“Damn it! Is alcohol better, or should I use peroxide? Fuck it, soap and water it is.” He muttered to himself.  His head was all over the place as he ran to go get a small bowl of warm soapy water, returning once it was retrieved. He wanted something that would both clean the cut, but also wouldn’t cause you any pain. 

Getting down to his knees, he tended to the scrape. He took your leg, tenderly into his hands, before going to work.

“Tony, I’m fine.”

He ignored you, continuing his movements with the cotton-ball. You couldn’t help but admire him as he cleaned your knee. The look of dexterity in his face was astounding. It was the same look he’d get, when he worked on a new piece of tech. 

You were beginning to feel guilty. Truthfully, Tony was the one who took the worst end of the fall. He had a cut on the bridge of his nose, and one on his cheek. You even saw his shirt was damp, and a small pool of red liquid was forming underneath. Yet he remained trained on you, determined to make sure you were okay.

“Tony, you’re hurt!” 

“I’m fine.” He insured.

  “But Tony.”

“Baby, I need to concentrate.” He had long stopped the bleeding on your knee, patched it up, and was currently searching for any other wounds. He placed a quick kiss on your bandage. “You okay?” He asked, finally meeting your eyes.

“Yes,—”

“Does anything else hurt?”

“No, but—”

“How many fingers am I holding up?” 

“None. Can I—”

“Are you feeling any shortness of breath? Nausea? Weakness? Dizziness? Chest pain? Because those are all signs of internal bleeding—”

“No, Tony. Please stop. You’re the one who’s bleeding!” It was your turn to treat him, yet he kept rambling on and on about you. You took a cotton pad and got to work on his face. That was when he began sulking.

“This is my fault.”

“No its not.”

“Yes it is. I made you clumsy.”

You chuckled at how dead serious he was. “I have a scrape on my knee, that will be gone in like ten hours. Meanwhile you have a bloody face, and a possible gash on your stomach, and you’re upset about me falling?”

“I just don’t like when you get hurt.”

“I’m fine. I’ve been trying to tell you that.” When you were done with his face, you hunched over to his stomach to patch the scrape there as well. Tony, still placed between your knees, repeated your actions from earlier, this time admiring you. When you were done treating the cut on his stomach, you tried to pull back, but he caught your wrist, trapping you in his gaze. 

You two stayed like that for a moment, before he captured your lips in his. Deepening the kiss, he lifted himself up onto the couch as he did so. He pushed you back so you lay against its length, stretched out completely as he hovered above you. Removing his sweaty t-shirt over his head, he threw it across the room before attacking your lips again. 

He tugged at the drawstring on your shorts, while placing wet kisses along your neck. You laced your fingers in his hair, trying to guide him to where you wanted him, but you didn’t have to do much since he knew all of your spots. 

His right hand pushed your shirt up to expose your bra, before his lips traveled down your skin to lay butterfly kisses in his wake. He pushed between your thighs, draping your legs around his waist. Your breaths were coming out in labored pants, as you realized this was the moment you’ve been waiting for. 

As you were moving against him, you felt an unusual amount of liquid pool to your panties. Then, your eyes which were previously glued shut, snapped open. “Shit.” You shrieked, sitting up with a quickness. It all startled Tony so much, he rolled off of the couch.

“Fuck!” He yelped, when his head collided with the floor. 

“No, no, no, no, no!” Was all you repeated as you scampered away. 

“Ow?” Tony groaned rubbing his head, but when he sat up to question you, he only saw your ankles as you retreated into the bathroom. 

When it slammed shut, he leapt up to his feet to see what the problem was. “Y/N, open up. We can talk about this.” He said, once he reached the doorway. 

“No we cant. Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry.”

“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to feel pressured. I’m the one who’s sorry. We can wait, okay? Just come out please.”

“No Tony. It’s not that, its something else.”

“What is it?” He was met with sobbing, as you began to weep. Trying to open the door, he thought you had hurt yourself, or that he had hurt you, and was now beginning to grow even more worried. “Baby open the door, please.”

“No! You’re gonna hate me.”

“I could never hate you. Please, just tell me what’s wrong!” Tony pleaded, banging on the door. 

“I just started my period” You cried, breaking out into tears. You continued for a minute, until you realized he wasn’t making any noises. “Tony?” 

“I’m still here, pumpkin.” He replied, trying to soothe you. 

“Are you mad at me?” You shrieked.

“Nope. I’m just thinking.” He informed you. 

“About what?” 

“About how much my head hurts.” He chortled. “You could have just told me, without panicking so much.”

“But I—I  ruined our wedding night.” You wailed. 

He scoffed at how silly you were being. “No. You didn’t. Can you come out now? I think I’ve talked to doors enough today.”

“No. I deserve to drown in my tears.”

“Y/N. You’re being ridiculous. Come out.” He demanded once more. 

“No! Just go away. I wanna be alone.” You whined. And so, he did. 

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

1 hour later

Lying in bed, wrapped up in your comforter like a burrito, you soaked the sheets with tears. You had fished out one of your emergency tampons from your purse to clean up, then grabbed a bottle of wine. You’d emerge from the covers every so often to take a sip, but then immediately plunge back under when you were done. 

Tony was gone. That was bad. You knew you had told him to, but you didn’t expect him to actually listen. You weren’t being fair, but you still expected him to just read your mind like the genius he was. Like he usually did. 

It was better this way. I deserve it. You thought. You thought he was pissed at you, as he should be. He had every right to be. No you couldn’t control your period coming earlier than usual, but you could have at least controlled your sour reaction. It was also your fault for constantly denying him. Yes, you wanted to take advantage of all of Kauai’s island fun, but you’d be lying if Nakia’s words didn’t ring in your head. You were nervous to give yourself to him for the first time, and that made you sort of relieved that you still had time to prepare.

You took another swig of your grown up juice, only to quickly scramble back to your cocoon when you heard the front door open and shut. 

“Sweetheart.” You heard Tony faintly call from the other room. When he realized you weren’t in the place he left you, you heard his quick shuffle draw nearer. The closer he drew, the more you encapsulated yourself into the comforter. You told yourself you’d act like you were sleeping, in order to avoid facing him. 

When he entered the room, he called your name again softly, as he took his stance by the side of the bed. He, despite your poor attempts, knew that you couldn’t be asleep in such a position: the heavy bedding would practically suffocate you. 

“Y/N, get up. I brought you a few things.” He informed you. He was met by silence. When he nudged your side, you moaned and groaned like the undead. You heard the plastic of a bag rustle, as he poured its contents all over the bed. He untucked the cover from over your head, and got on the mattress beside you. Stroking your head lovingly, he said a “Hi”, as you reluctantly met his eyes. You peered at him through dewy lashes and puffy eyes. 

He offered you a kind expression before beckoning you to “Sit up.” You did so, and that’s when you saw the arrangement of  feminine hygiene products, candy, ice cream, chips and every other favorite snack of yours. But best of all, was the wine. You retreated back to your burrito, after bawling your face up with sadness. Tony heard your muffled cries through the comforter, as you sobbed out “No one’s ever bought me tampons before!”

“Well that’s sad.” He declared.

You ignored him, wailing “I don’t deserve you” as you let out the ugliest cries you’ve ever heard in your life. 

“Yes you do.” He corrected you, further folding you in your blanket, before picking you up to haul you into the living room. As he threw you over his shoulder, you continued your drunken wails even as he placed you on the couch. He turned on Netflix to the show “friends”, it was something of a ritual to play it whenever you felt bad, and as soon as the theme came on, you started dry-heaving.

You shakily pulled out your unfinished bottle of wine drinking its remains, before grabbing the one Tony bought, as he glared at you like you grew another head. “And I thought I had an alcohol problem.”

“Shut-up, I’m sad.”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

Almost one week later. 

As the end of your vacation approached, you had been all over the island of Kauai. You experienced all of the joys of a honeymoon, save the sex. 

Every morning, your husband made you breakfast in bed, and made you feel like a princess. Just like from before when you guys dated, he’d bring you flowers with a notecard attached to them on your breakfast tray. 

He really made you forget that you couldn’t have sex, but then he’d remind you the second after when he placed kisses on your shoulders. After breakfast, you guys would get ready for the day ahead. You always did something new. You went kayaking, zip-lining, snorkeling, and an array of other things that you dreaded the end of.

Couples massages were the absolute worst. Every time your period came around, you were a horny mess. So it didn’t help when Tony rubbed warm oil on your back, tenderly massaging it into the skin, while whispering all of the dirty things he was gonna do to you the minute he knew you were ready. His large warm hands would travel particularly low on your back, as he worked out your kinks, pressing kisses onto your spine every now and then. 

You now shivered at that memory, as you gazed at the stage in front of you. Where you were currently, was a live dinner and show. It was your last night in Kauai, and Tony wanted to make it special by bringing you to a place you begged to go, even though he cringed at the idea. Different bands played live “island” music, while couples both danced and cheered from their seats. 

You and Tony were sitting at a far off table, that was mostly away from prying eyes. He was actually enjoying it more than he thought he would. He would kill you if you told his friends that though. While he was enjoying the show, you were sitting still, gazing at him, more quiet the usual. 

You were trying to debate with yourself, on how to tell him your period was over. While you were happy it was gone, butterflies overturned your stomach as you realized tonight might actually be the night. Nakia’s words, still haunted you, as they tended to, and you fought yourself for refusing her pointers. 

“What’s wrong baby?” Tony asked you, pulling you out of your daze. “I thought you wanted to see this show.” 

You tugged at your bottom lip with your teeth before saying “I did. Its just I wanted to thank you for working so hard in order to make me happy.”

“I’d do anything to make you happy.” He said, placing a hand over your knee, giving it a tight squeeze before pulling away, turning his attention back to the show. You caught his hand, however, before it could drop. 

“I have something to tell you. Promise you won’t judge me.”

Tony quirked an eyebrow as he smirked, already ready for where this was going. “I promise.” he affirmed. 

“Okay.” You said, taking in a deep breath. “I wanted to make sure before I told you this, but my period is off. But before you say anything, I just wanted to ask you this: if we decide to take things further tonight, could you please just take it slow with me?”

Tony’s smile faltered, before dropping completely. He thought you were going to say you wanted more fries. “Where is this coming from?” He questioned you, upset that he made you so worried and self-conscious. 

You looked down, unable to meet his eyes. You truly felt pathetic as you confessed, “I just know that you probably expect things of me. And its been so long since I’ve done this, I wonder if I even know how to please you. I just want to be enough.” 

Tony sighed, placing a finger on his temple frustratedly. “Aw baby I think you need a drink.” He stated, reaching for the bottle of tequila he ordered for the table. The plan for the night, was to get drunk, act stupid, and pass out wherever the liquid took you. 

He began to pour you a shot to ease your nerves, before speaking again. “Let me be clear about something” he started, the liquid splashing against the glass cup, before he sat the bottle of liquor down on the table. “I don’t expect anything from you, but your permission. Just give yourself to me, and I’ll take care of the rest. And if you wanna wait, like I said before: sex isn’t everything. I’m happy with just you. But, just tell me when you’re ready” He ordered, gazing into your soul. 

You were the first to break eye contact. You sprinkled salt on the side of your hand, licking up its contents soon after. Tony drank in your movements, pupils blown with lust. You washed down your salt with tequila, wincing at the slight burn. Your wince turned into a cringe when you placed a lime wedge between your lips, its juices spilling down your chin. Pouring yourself another shot, you slammed your cup down on the table before abruptly standing up. “Okay, i’m ready.” You proclaimed, practically a new woman with this newfound liquid courage. 

Tony poured himself a shot, before standing too, capturing your waist as he pressed your back firmly against the edge of the table, before lifting you to sit upon it. He pushed open your knees with his legs, bringing himself between them. You looked at him with alarm mixed with confusion. “I didn’t mean here!” You exclaimed, causing him to chuckle. 

He placed a lime wedge between your teeth. “Hold that for me sweetheart” he ordered, sitting you back just far enough to sprinkle salt along your collarbone without it falling. He licked a slow stripe along the skin, where the salt sat. Picking up his shot, he threw it back, before you felt his hot breath fan your lips. As they hovered there for a moment, he rescued the lime wedge from your lips. 

Not satisfied with its taste, he dropped it over your shoulder, going for your lips instead. The kiss was feverish, as his sour yet sweet tongue probed your mouth. You threw one of your hands behind your back to hold your balance, while Tony let his hands run along the length of your body. He squeezed firmly upon reaching one of your breasts, placing his other hand between your thighs. You moaned at the action, lacing your fingers in his hair in your attempts at deepening the connection. 

Tony let his lips trail down your neck, right back to your collarbone, where he tasted remnants of salt. His hand that was placed on your thigh, slid closer, and closer to your entrance, before he dared to hook his fingers between the fabric. 

“Sir!” A man said from behind him, violently tapping his finger on Tony’s shoulder. “You can’t do that here.” 

When you two looked over his shoulder, you realized it was the same waiter from before that you traumatized early on in your trip. He was definitely done with your shit. 

You both let out a chuckle, before Tony turned to you, saying “Lets go home.”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡ 

Stumbling into the house, Tony kicked the door shut before spinning you to press your back firmly against it. The two of you were desperate to show the other how much you wanted them, in one heated session. He entangled his tongue with yours, roughly making you eat his kisses. Like at the show, he broke the kiss to pepper more along your skin. 

He started with your neck, sucking roughly, immediately causing purple and blue bruises to show in its wake. Then, he moved on to suck and lick at the exposed parts of your breasts. Finally, he fell to his knees bunching up your dress so it stay just above your waist, before ridding you of your panties. You tensed up as he performed the action, taking in a deep breath as he threw one of your legs over his shoulder locking it, and you in place, against the door. 

Before he draped his arm over the leg that was on his shoulder, he gazed up at you, silently asking you of your permission before going any further. “Keep going, please.” You urged, and that was all the push he needed. He offered a small smile, before he attacked your entrance with his tongue. 

He was usually one for foreplay, but you two had been playing that for a year now, so he wasted no time violating your nub. 

You threw your head back against the door, not even bothered by the pain from the thud, as whimpers and mewls escaped your lips. You were far too focused on his slow but firm measures against your body. Tony’s arm around your leg, was in a position where he could hold you in place, and rub harsh circles around your nub at the same time.

He ran his tongue between your folds, licking up the sweet nectar you offered, while he used his other hand to let his fingers invade your insides. 

Bucking and rocking against his face, the pleasure was so intense, you found yourself trying to pull away, but his strong arms held you steady. Your fingers found his hair, and you didn’t know  whether you wanted to pull him closer to you, or tug him further away. He made the decision for you, burying his face deeper into your pussy. 

He took the fingers he used to stretch you out and placed them at your lips, spreading them open, before replacing his thumb with his mouth, sucking harshly at your nub. Your juices dripped down his chin, as you desperately tried to hold on to something. In realization that you were slipping, Tony hooked your other leg over his shoulder, giving him more access to your opening. As you climbed further up the wall, he followed you, determined to keep you from escaping his relentless endeavors. 

You were unable to form any other words besides, Tony, uttering the two syllables every other second. Moans erupted through your chest, tears streamed down your face, and your nails digged into the skin behind his neck, as you chased your orgasm. Working you through it, he licked up the trail of cum, that dripped from your cunt. He groaned against you as if you were the most delicious drink he had ever tasted. 

Placing you gently down onto the ground, he chuckled when he had to catch you from falling. He swiped his thumb across his chin, before licking the remnant of your juices off the pad  of the finger. He moaned at the taste, leaning in to transfer it to your lips. 

He cupped the globes of your ass, as he stuck his tongue down your throat. “Taste that?” He asked between kisses. 

“Yeah.” You half-whispered, trying to keep up with him.

“So fucking sweet.” He replied, in reference to your essence. He then hoisted you up so you could wrap your legs around him, before traveling through the house. 

It was your turn to attack his neck as he carried you away to your room. Tony, now completely riled up stood you on your feet, as the two of you ripped away articles of each other’s clothing. He let the straps of your dress, fall as it pooled around your feet.

You were starting to feel self-conscious again, since this was the first time he had seen you so bare. While you were looking down in shame, Tony was ogling at your beauty. “Fuck.” He exclaimed. “How did I get so lucky. You’re an angel.” You smiled sheepishly at his comment, your confidence was slowly coming back. He gently pushed you, so that the back of your knees could collide with the mattress. 

You climbed backwards, pushing yourself under the covers, the remaining bit of shyness making you cover yourself in shame. 

Tony, eyes still remained on you, finished ridding himself of his clothes. When he was done, he lifted up the bottom of the comforter, climbing in at the foot of the bed. He made a few stops along the way, kissing at your legs, thighs, and stomach, before revealing himself from beneath the sheets. He smiled, when you giggled, placing a quick kiss to your mouth. That one turned into a deeper one, as he bit and tugged at your lips. 

He placed himself at your entrance, still kissing your bare skin to ease your mind a bit. He was big, you knew that much, and it kind of made you nervous. Slowly moving forward, he pushed his tip in, teasing your opening, before stretching you completely.

You both groaned at the feeling. Him at your tight fit, and you at the feeling of him inside you completely. As he bottomed out, you released a gasp, which Tony cut off with a kiss. “Tell me when to move, princess.” He said between pecks.

You nodded your head after a moment, unable to form any words, signaling for him to move forward. Tony’s hips instinctively snapped forward at first, but then he slowed his movements on account of this being your first time with him.

Slow thrusts, turned into quick ones, as he pounded into you. Your cries and moans, and the sound of your wetness mixed with his thrusts,  bounced off of the walls. You wrapped your legs around his waist, as he inserted himself in and out of you. His arms that were previously on either side of your face, collapsed as he let his lips attack the crook of your neck. 

Your hands, that fisted the sheets, found his back, clawing at the flesh, as he let out growls from the sting and from the pleasure. 

He picked up his pace, and the closer you got, the dirtier his words were. “Look at you taking my cock like a good girl.” He would whisper in your ear, as he drilled into you. When you would clench your walls around him, he would get nastier. “Oh you like that? You’re so fucking sexy. Are you gonna cum princess? Hmm?” He would question, cupping your jaw as he looked up to peer into your eyes.

You would just moan in response. Your body, and his, becoming drenched in sweat, tears, and who knows what other kind of liquids, as you two stuck together like glue. He became incoherent the wetter you got, and the more your walls fluttered against him, signaling your impending orgasm. 

“F-fuck baby! I-i’m gonna cum!” You managed to choke out, your lower stomach spasming, as you writhed against him, placing a hand against his chest.

Tony said nothing as he slipped in and out of you, hand grasping the hand that was on his chest gripping your wrists, and placing them above your head. He didn’t have to say a word, because his face said it all. His brows were furrowed together, eyes glued shut, sweat soaking his forehead, and mouth hung open as he continued his motions in and out of you. 

If he wasn’t going fast before, his pace was now brutal as he approached his orgasm too. Each stroke was a hit against your g-spot, and a graze against your clit, that had you speaking in tongues. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, the closer you came to ecstasy. Your whimpers turned into screams, as your coil snapped. Your orgasm, was Tony’s breaking point, as your pussy had a death grip against his dick. His hips stuttered, and his cock twitched inside of you, as he let out the sexiest grunt you had ever heard, spilling his seed into you. 

He released his grips on your wrists, surely leaving a mark in its wake. He laid his sweaty forehead against yours for a moment, trying to gather his composure. You, too, were gasping for the same air as him.

You both still hadn’t opened your eyes yet, vision too blurry from the stars you were seeing. This man made you experience the most intense orgasm of your life. 

Capturing your lips once more, Tony left a lingering kiss on you. After that, he finally let his eyes open, you followed suit. He smiled and asked, “I can’t believe you were that amazing. And you had the nerve to be worried.”

You spared some of your breath, as you let a laugh. “I didn’t even do anything. I just laid there.” You told him. 

“You can just look at me, and I’ll fall to pieces.” He admitted, which made you erupt into a fit of giggles. 

Still in each other’s embrace, you two recalled the entirety of your relationship, down to this very trip. You recalled the very first moment you told each other your feelings. The moment he met your friends and you his. The time Okoye threatened to kill him for almost forgetting your favorite color. The time you tripped in your wedding dress. Even the time you fell down a hill a mere 5 days ago. And he would absolutely not, let you forget the moment you burst out crying because he bought you wine and tampons.  

Laughing, and blushing over some of the silliest moments in your relationship, you promised that though it was bittersweet, you were your happiest when you were with him. 

“Now, that we've warmed up,” Tony started, cheeky smile forming on his lips. “Are you ready to try out some of those new toys?” 

A/N: You guys should like...tell me what you think :) 

[justsomeno1s]

More Headspace Thoughts- With some Original Content this time!

EMOTIONS are getting switched around! Why? Because I really liked how the original game had the teamwork aspect presented- No one can give themselves their EMOTION at first! Aubrey and Kel work to make eachother ANGRY and HAPPY respectively, and Hero needs Omori to make him SAD.

Basil's skill, Tend (Maybe Bloom would be a better name), works like Og Aubrey’s Pep Talk, b/c Omori has Sad Poem, and I can't see Basil making people angry: To keep that teamwork aspect, he shouldn't have HAPPY as his main EMOTION. So, I shifted the emotions one over- Aubrey HAPPY, Hero ANGRY, Basil SAD. Instead of boosting their best stats, their main EMOTION covers their weaknesses and allows them to use different Skill Builds- Aubrey focuses on high risk high reward/support, Hero goes from healing tank to offensive presence, and Basil goes from squishy support to defensive wall.

Also ties into how 1) they handle Kel disappearing and 2) how they handle the death (Aubrey distracts herself with the Hooligang, Basil almost lives in the bittersweet memories, and Hero... Well, Hero isn't actually angry all the time, so much as he bottles all of his emotions up, then takes it out on whoever tries to make him confront it) (actually, all of them aren't fully exhibiting their EMOTIONS- Basil's cheery and Aubrey has her angst. But ehh. Never said I was /good/ at writing stories /j)

[SPEAKING OF!! I LEFT THE STUMP IN!! LIKE A GODDAMNED IDIOT AAA!!!! I didn't even realize until I posted to Ao3- Hells! Now I have to explain that somehow >=^/ ]

Okay Back to Positivity:

Theres no Ladder to Otherworld! They'll be using a different way to get to the stars- Mount Sheer!

Mount Sheer's basically a super tall mountain with really sheer cliffs- Hence the name. At the top, the peak is completely flat and growing differently colored grasses. In the center, there's a still pool of metalic water that you can walk on top of, and surrounding it is the Celestial Court/Milky Way Megalith- Nine massive, heavy stone pedestals facing the pond.

Each one represents a planet, and the planets will make an appearance- Yes, Pluto is there, and yes, the planets are all buff as fuck (minus earth). If I could draw them, I would- But I'm SHIT at drawing muscles.

Planet Notes:

Mercury is a runner- primary focus on legs, slimmer upper body. Would be the weakest of the planets in a fight. I could see him being a shopkeeper/hint system. (Mercury was named after the God of Translators, Messengers, Theives, and Commerce- Him taking on the role of squishy thief/chill storeclerk makes sense to me)

Venus is a body builder of a woman. Almost like Pluto, but legs too. (Bodybuilders are more based on physical appearance than strength, which I think fits well with the Roman Goddess of beauty and love- Not that she's weak, but her strength is a side effect of her appearance)

Earth would be like a swimmer- Defined arms and abs, but less buff overall. Ofc, that's only if she appears in a humanoid form- I kinda like the image of these super buff men and women and dog, and then just a literall ball. (Earth is 70% water, hence the muscle type. Again, might leave her as a completely silent ball)

Mars, or Rover, is a buff dog (Think Kengal Shepard Dog crossed with Japanese Akita for appearance- A Giant Akita with smokey markings on the muzzle and ears) He'd be a giant dog, bigger than even Hero, with a tail made of fire. Two moons and a variety of meteors/asteroids that follow him around. Has a collar made of space dust and everything. (Named/inspired by the mars rover, as well as Kel's connection to dogs. Hector was one of the Meteorites.)

Jupiter is going to be Huge. I dont mean tall, either- tho he is- I mean fat. He's a rotund, jolly kind of guy, who probably smells like cakes/cookies all the time. His muscle type would be that of a weightlifter- Legs and shoulders, but you can't see it unless he's flexing. (Jupiter's called the Gas Giant, and I liked the idea of a strong guy who was on the heavier side- Combined with that old meme video of the heavy guy (No disrespect- Dude's in better shape than me, lol) who lifted a huge weight while screaming, and I thought 'Well, that works!' Plus its less weird than... /Zeus/ /lh)

Saturn... Honestly, don't have a ton of thoughts yet. Maybe a Fatherly type dude? Like, he's named after Kronos/Cronus, the Olympian's Titan dad. Plus, rings are a marriage thing... Ok. Take that origin, change the behavior- Gonna make him a Malewife type of dude! Like, has a ton of kids, loves them all dearly, and dotes on them whenever he can. Happily married to someone, is seen holding little baby moons, looks like your average stay-at-home dad- Then you fight him and it turns out he's got defense for /DAYS/. (Has a rock core, after all) Doesn't really take the fight seriously, more of a "Aww, you kids are cute! Here, have a snack before you go," which would make Aubrey furious, I bet. Tall, but serious Dad Bod. Good dude! (No I am not projecting my father onto this character What do you mean?)

Uranus would be most like Pluto, as they'd be most muscular in the upper body. The key difference is that Uranus is hockey player and notably ice elemental. Probably more wrinkly and cracked over with ice. Absolutely body checks someone as an attack. Ice based attacks could lead to characters becoming SAD- slowed down and frozen over. Combine that with Uranus making himself angry ('Uranus worked himself up! Uranus became ANGRY!') and you've got a nasty combo! (Plus, HAPPY being strong against him works with the whole 'keep moving around and you'll stay warmer' deal! Love it when things work out like that ^^) Probably the lowest HP/Juice, but not bad Defense or Speed, and great Attack! (Ice hockey b/c I looked up old ice sports, and it was either that or ice skating- Idk what 'bandy' is- and I thought Hockey would fit an Ice Giant better. Probably can still ice skate tho.)

stars above I wrote a lot! uhm! Anyway! Feel free to yell at me about ideas! Asks or comments!

BasilKel swap AU notes

Woo! I've been sick since friday, so I figured I'll post some BK swap notes! These are from text messages with my irl friend- We finally beat the Omori route, and were supposed to do the Sunny route this weekend, so if some things seem off, its cause they don't know The Truth yet. (ALSO: THEY KNOW MY USER NOW!! HII!!!)

Anyway! Notes under Read More!

Idea originally came because of the Blurry Kel drawing/mod on Tumblr. Friend lit said "Man, imagine if Kel is the one who went missing instead of Basil?" and so it began.

A couple of HS Skill ideas for Basil: Plant powers, such as vines to slow enemies down or flowers to affect EMOTIONS. Also, I realized the pun Flash Bulb (As in, the kind used for old photography, and plant bulbs) and that's too good to not mention.

Friend was the one who came up with Kel Recording idea, b/c we were discussing what we wanted "his" house to look like. (In replacement for Basil's Shoe, Kel and Hero get a Blanket Fort! You'll see soon!)

This one's a bit weird, so stick with me: Kel's Pet Rock, formerly Hector, currently Roro, is going to be tied to the fast travel/Pluto "replacement". All we have nailed down for now is that most of the planets are going to appear and speak in one way or another (Roughly around Sweetheart's Castle section), and that the Mars representative is going to a giant space dog named Rover, and he'll act as fast travel. [Look, look- No one on this team should learn Flex /hj]

Hero's gonna end up being a bit short tempered by the end of the Headspace section. At first, he can hold it together, but as they search more and Kel goes unfound, the pressure makes him snappy.

Original text from friend: "Hero replacing Kel in bickering with Aubrey because of how callous she is acting about Kel's disappearance and Hero just not taking this well, snaps at her from time to time [return] Basil is just trying to break it up whenever it happens" (I'm not 100% sure how I feel about The Older Brother (tm) arguing with a kid, but it could be fun- or at least interesting)

Black Space is going to be fun! And by fun I mean angsty (hopefully")

I don't think Kel would go quietly. If he can fight, he will. The Neighbor Area and Spider Area would show that best, featuring Kel actively entering a battle against the friends (and dying after refusing to hurt Hero) and fighting Something in the Walls (Overwhelmed and consumed by Sunny's fear) on his own.

The other three are a bit harder to place/closer to the original:

Melon would need to be changed to match the pillows/cardboard aesthetic, but functionally could be the same.

Raft would be weird, b/c again, Kel would fight! If Omori attacked him, then he'd try to fight back, right? Unless he was killed in one hit, I guess, but still.

Treehouse... I mean, I guess it works! Don't fully get the Subtext of that one, tbh.

Then there's the room of original content!! Woo!

Remember Rover? Giant Space dog? I kinda want him to kill Kel in a Black Space room. Like, Rover has a key in his mouth, and Kel trusts him not to bite, so he reaches in to grab it, and naturally, Rover would bite him in half, then spit out the key.

Maybe a side room, where Omori tries to walk somewhere, but his feet get cut up by glass shards? idk

When I get some more time, I'll talk about some of the Real World ideas we came up with.

[cynettic]

Red String of Fate

A/N - Not really genshin, its more of a quick vent drabble. Angsty and nsfw for triggering topics and gory stuff :’) I felt kinda proud of this one which is why I’m posting it, any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!!

_-_-_-_-_

I’m a murderer.

Red string idly tied around my pinky, delicately swaying with every whisper from the wind. Caressed and woven into this world by fate. A gentle binding, thread spilling down to my foot and loosely littering the wooden panels of my floor with loops and twirls. Adorning the dust and encasing me whole in its meaning.

Its promise.

I’ve always hated being bound, held and grasped by an irrevocable hold. Ones I’ve put myself in, ones others have clutched me in. 

Pinching the red string that hung around my finger, I tugged at one of the loose ends of the knots. 

Ones that the red string of fate has tied me to. Several, tangling along the jagged ridges of my knuckles and slipping past the gaps between my fingers. A soft velvet against dry skin, the calloused pad of my thumb gentle when nimbly rolling it along the back of my palm. Silken texture brimming in abundance and pulsing in rhythm akin to one of heartbeat. Slow, steady, eternal.

Full of life.

The darkness in the cramped space of the apartment cages me in like an animal, body growing numb and sending a tingling sensation up my spine. Subduing aching muscles into a deep heavy sleep, complexion falling into well needed slumber. Till it was just the consistent thrum of the thread along my hand that held me awake, fate wrapping its hold on me once again.

Snip.

The motion is always slow, prolonged with the weight of the scissors in my hands. A spectator to the red thread as it slowly dissolves into ash, a ticking time bomb to the end of a life. Another. Seeping at their lifeline until the string finally dissolves at their fingertips, draining the last of their existence and sparing mine.

Greedy for comfort, I selfishly choose myself.

I can’t feel my elbows as I lean forward, ice prickling at my toes and cold slivers digging into my fingertips. Hazy, guilt eats me up like the snowstorm that enraptures my body in snow. Freezing me in place and biting at my mind, frosty reach clawing at my sanity.

But its my body thats numb, I wish my head was.

To be pliable with the nothingness that threatens to devour me, stained and greasy hands fervently scratching the fibers of my tunic. Dirty, I was oh so dirty. Contaminated with a bubbling hatred that quelled inside, pounding with deprecating fists that begged to get out. Pleading, because hands and knees dug for an eternity on the ground wouldnt be suffice to the lives I’d taken. But thread against skin arose an anxiety I could not thwart. Until I was no longer sure how long I’d spent sitting on this desk, staring into the pale grey walls of my apartment. Absent. Knives and scissors littering the corners of the wood, small chunks scraped with only the splinters in my nails to blame. Soiled hands incapable of holding life, a desperate cry to the heavens to spare me the responsibility, to let me go.

Because no matter how feather light the thread felt, the weight of a life pulled me under. Down into the depths of anxiety, because no matter how much I choked in the sea, I could not breathe. No matter how much my arms flailed, I could not rise. No matter how much I screamed, I couldn’t be heard. Not by others, not even myself.

String grows laden with water, a weight pulling me down to the bottom where I cannot rise.

I’m sinking.

The strand pulls me into a gentle hold of uncertainty, coaxing me into the decision to choose myself again and again. Until I’m hesitant to determine whether snipping the vibrant red cord is a punishment or a relief. To finally make it to the shore of the beach, form lifeless against grains of sand. Condemned in self pity, looking for the blood on my hands. 

My hands are clean.

I want to cry because they shouldnt be.

An endless cycle when the waves wash over my ragged form, snaking through my legs and under my arms. Sand letting the sea take me. The murky water is salty against my tongue, and I can only feel the dim sensation of something around my finger before I’m once again plummeting down.

But I always come back up.

Unable to rectify my crimes, I keep adding onto the list, nails slowly biting into the wood of my desk as I mark another one. Another death.

Snip.

I’m so cold.

But regret is like a spider, a horrid looking thing that scales up my leg, embedding sharp legs into the icy numbness of my shins. It leaves me petrified, the idea of swatting away leaving me with immense disgust. So does leaving it there. I don’t want to touch it, not when its on my thigh, on my stomach, up my shoulder blades. Not when it slowly makes its way across my arm, flexing its angular legs until it reaches my hand. Spiders terrify, they make people do things they dont mean to do. So does regret, reaching my frostbitten hands and sending a rush of warm blood. It's a spiking pain that hits, biting the soft skin of my palm and leaving ugly red flush in its wake.

Regret was my drive. My push when I decided to sever the digits that let fate take control.

It was easier to grasp the knife on the side when I was running on raw hatred and self loathing. When my hands were throbbing and I could picture the red string that held me captive, feel the thread palpitate against my finger.  Knowing with certainty that someone was on the other end of that string.

Bound to them.

The first few fingers were easy, blade sharp against unnourished and neglected skin. Soft ligaments and weakened bones posed no threat to my determination, body willing to my wishes. One by one, until the hilt was in my mouth and I was shaking my head back and forth with a strength I hadnt had for days. Wooden splinters buried themselves in the cracks of my teeth, gagging when the tail of the handle caught on the inside of my cheek and dug further into my mouth. I didnt stop, not until I was cutting the wood of the desk.

Until all ties to this wretched fate were cleaved.

 Hands all but circular blobs of discolouration, blue and purple tinting the tips of bumpy flesh and splintered bones. Blood coated pads that soaked into the rotten planks of wood, spilling over the desk and onto the floor. 

Finally. Finally my hands were stained in blood.

Not nearly as much as their ought, but it served its reminder perfectly. A pang of relief slipping through my body just like the crimson liquid that oozed down to the floor. Matting the hollow lines between floor panels with trickles of blood and soaking into my socks.

I was free.

Eyes fluttering closed, the sharp icy pain was gone, shock taking over my body and leaving me motionless. Solace was an odd little thing, consolation after actions of regret. But it was warm, and I could dimly register the ease that spread through my body like a drug. Bitter tasting but leaving me weightless, mind overdosing on the dopamine that pumped through my veins. Vasoconstriction quickening my pulse and leaving me breathless in the best way.

I was free.

Delusional satisfaction left my head buzzing and I didnt know if I was smiling or my face seemed to rise. Eyes rolling to the back of my head before returning to my sockets, head tilting forwards and nearly touching the puddle of blood on the desk. But I was happy, I was free.

Until I wasnt.

Till a bright red string settled once again, blurred vision transfixed on the way it slackened right above my collarbone, below my chin. 

Around my neck.

It was soft, warm as I struggled to realize it was someone elses heartbeat pressing against my jugular. Throbbing at an inconsistent pace and sending my thoughts into a whirlwind of activity. Till all I could think about was taking the scissors in my hand, grip firm and unrelenting to the viscous game destiny played.

Snip.

The realization came too late, palm on the base of the tool when it occurred to me I couldnt grab it. Simply watch as blood slipped through the gaps where my fingers shouldve been, pain seizing my wrist and presenting itself to me for the first time. It was electric, jolts of torment taking me by surprise and leaving me stunned. Shocked, but not enough to tip me off my high. Wretched grin widening across my face when I stared down at the red string, parched lips letting out a measly croak as I spoke. “You outplayed me.” Because at that moment it all felt strangely hilarious, pain building up in the nonexistent slim skin of my fingers. It was as if I could still feel them, and a feverish laugh spilled from the bosom of my throat as I sagged, shoulders shaking. 

The realization was bittersweet and brief before I leaned my forehead on the puddle of blood, baring with the pain of my actions. The consequences to my regrets. 

I cannot escape fate.

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Bittersweet events. Part one

A/N. Uhh this is longer than i thought it would be oops. This idea came to me in a dream and i love it so muchhhh. I love Stain hes my baby uughnnn. Enjoy! THANK YOU FOR READING.

He was not sure how he got here really. He had to break in ofcourse . He had locked the only entrance into the tiny depressing room. White walls , white curtains , white bed. The only sound was a heart monitor .

One year ago his life changed forever , like it was thrown out of left field and hit him right in the face. Hero Killer Stain was what he went by, and purging heroes was what he did best. The Pros never caught him , his quirk was to powerful for most . One night , this one particular night everything changed. Villains were out causing terror in the streets, fires were started and were spreading . Cries for help and laughter filled his ears as he watched perched up on a roof top . All these Pros... fakes. These villains killing just to kill... fakes. He wanted to fix this world.

Stain jumped down from his rooftop after observing for awhile , a news van had sped onto the scene as well. He did not bother with most villains who were running around causing a ruckus. The Pros were trying to keep the news crew at a safe distance but they pushed and tried to get the scene on film. One woman had snuck away once she saw the Hero Killer dissapear into the shadows of a alleyway . Stain stopped halfway in when he heard heels clicking towards him , they sounded staggered and offbeat. He turned his head watching the shadow grow larger as she got closer. The woman sounded like she was catching her breath and fumbling with something. She clicked a button and held her arm out speaking with a shaky voice.

“Hero Killer Sssstain!!! Did you start this ?!? This run of crime this city has been faced with recently ? These fires? These deaths?”

He turned , he could not really see her in the dark except for her shadow. He stepped over to her finally being able to see her . A small woman with a blond ponytail and black glasses in a grey business jacket and long skirt. She was holding a voice recorder in her shaky hand. She gazed up at this tall dangerous man , she maybe came up to his chest even if he was hunched over. His bandanna and bandages blew in the wind along with his hair.

“I may have kindled the flame but i did not spread it, these villains, they might have fed off my actions.”

“But.. but!!! They all idolize you !! They want to join you , be like you!”

He hunched down getting almost eye level with her , she was shaking but she did not run . This interested him. “These villains are fakes... these Pros you love are fakes. Wanting fame, money. They should all die” he stepped back but the woman stepped forward.

“ wait!!! I... i want to know more.. “ she retracted her hand fumbling with her jacket pulling a card from her pocket. “If you want to talk more on...way life should be come to this address. Im home most days after 5 o clock.”

My my my...

He swiped the card from her startling her, she had to fix her glasses. Stain held the card up to the light reading it. Suki. Journalist. He memorized her address and shoved the card in his pants pocket fleeing the scene leaving the woman there all shooken up. She pressed the button on her recorder again and letting out a long sigh of relief. “Phew...”

It was a friday night when he showed up at her window staring in till she noticed. Suki nearly jumped in her skin when she saw his silhouette staring at her upside down. Suki ran over opening her window panicking.

“What are you doing?!? Use the door you’ll fall!!!”

“Do you really think they would let me in if i went to the door of this complex?” He asked genuinely curious.

Suki pushed her long hair from her face rubbing her eyes. “Well.. now that you say that.” She backed away and the villain let himself in looking around the room. Nothing fancy it looked like. Just a bed and dresser with a lamp on it. Suki was feeling around the dresser for her glasses, she had heard him come in but she did not say anything. She was a little nervous , was he going to kill her?

“Im here because you wanted to know more about my ways.” He said watching her feel around her dresser. Suki had hit her lamp making it stagger around, she mumbled under her breath trying to steady it. The lamp had suddenly stopped rolling around and Suki heard a heavy slam. The lamp was steady now and she felt him behind her. “Yes.. i just need my glasses.” She was scared now.. he was really close. She felt the heat on her back from him and the clicking of his kives made her skin jump. Stain looked over the long dresser spotting them, he picked them up and dropped them in her shaky hands. Suki gasped putting them on and turning around.

“ uhm thank you.. we can talk in the kitchen..”

Stain looked for the door and Suki lead him to it going to her kitchen. She had a lot of books everywhere , journalist books and newspapers seemed to cover her floor and tables. Stain sat down in the squeaky chair putting his knives on the table so he could sit comfortably. Suki came over sitting down, she pushed some newspapers to the side trying to hide the headlines . He had already seen them though, they were all about him. She placed her recorder on the table in the middle and pressed the button.

“ okay.. uhm.. why . What brought you to this lifestyle?”

“When i was in highschool, i overheard my classmates talking about how they wanted to be heroes for the money. Thats not what a hero is. “

“What is a hero?”

“"Hero is a title reserved for those who perform truly great feats! Too many are undeserving... Just money worshipers playing hero! Until this society wakes up and rectifies itself... I will continue to do my work”

“... the work ?”

“The purge of these fakes.”

Suki did not know what to make of all this information. It was a twisted way of thinking , sure some Pros were money hungry but... but what? She watched him thinking it over. Stain did not have much .. expression in his face . His eyes burned holes into her.

“You.. didint kill me when i found you”

“You didint run”

“... what is youre name?”

“Chizome.”

“I dont have anymore questions right now Ch..Chizome..”

He got up gathering his knives, he also turned the recorder off and leaned over the table staring down at this nervous woman.

“Suki.”

“Y..yyyes?!”

“ will you have more questions at a later date?”

“I uh.. most likely will yes”

“Then ill be back”

Stain went back to her room leaving the same way he came in. And thats how it started. Stain returned for more interviews on his lifestyle, his killings, his outlook of the world. Suki was growing more comfortable around this man , even laughing when they talked. Every interview she began to understand more and more his way of life and his way of seeing the Pros. They got closer too. The interviews would move to the couch and she would even offer him something to drink. She even called him by his name now.

During one interview Stain was talking about purges and how they made him feel nothing for his victims. Suki had placed her hand on his knee . “Chizome, they were wrong in they’re ways. Its okay to not feel some kind of remorse.” He looked down at her little hand then up at her. She was moving closer to him , crawling on the couch. Stain grabbed her arm pulling her ontop of him.

Stain came over regulary after that one night . Spending the night and leaving in the morning , he always came back though . Telling her all about his day full of righting the wrong. This went on for months , the two were very much in love with each other . No one could find out though, for Suki’s safety . The two also had a little surprise on the way as well.

“I hope its a girl. We can name her Shifuku” Suki said full of eagerness.

A child was new to Stain, he did not know what to make of the situation, when Suki told him he just stared at her . “A baby? “ he asked a few times. Suki would giggle and place her hand on her stomach. Eventually, he got use to it . But he was still unsure of what to do. The pregnancy was not easy and Suki faced many complications . The doctors told her that her body could not handle a baby . She did not listen . Stain was growing angry with each visit she made to the doctors . Why arent they helping her? Do they know its his? Why .. arent.. they.. helping her..

The day finally came when Suki’s water broke, she called an ambulamce and Stain followed from the rooftops . He looked in every window till he found her room. He could hear her crying and her struggling . He could not take it anymore and rushed in through the window scaring everyone. He paid the doctor no mind and went right to Suki. She screamed and cried till the baby was finally born. Little cries filled the room and the baby was given to Suki. The doctor had run out of the room and Stain locked the door.

“ oh Chizome its a little girl... i...” Suki was losing her grip on her baby and her knees touched. The heart monitor started to spazz and Stain looked all around the room in a panic. What could he do?!

“Chizome...”

He turned his focus to Suki.

“ can you hold Shifuku .. im a little tired.. im eh.. a little scared if i go to sleep i wont wake up though”

“Suki , youre alright . Everything-“ she grabbed his arm stopping him. “Take care of Shifuku .. i love you both so much.”

“No im not leaving you here! Suki!!”

“I know you wont.. theres a pretty flower field . Im sure youve seen it. In the graveyard.”

“ i have. .. i have. Suki..”

“I love you Chizome.”

“I .. i love you Suki.”

The heart monitor went flat sending a irritating buzz throughout the room. Shifuku was fussing in Stains arms and he was just staring at the body of the woman he loved.

[mellz117]

Hello and welcome to the start of Mellz Plays Kingdom Hearts Re:CoM on the Playstation 2; Riku’s campaign

If you haven’t seen my thoughts on Sora’s story, why not start with Part 1? For the 5 of you who’ve been following along since then, welcome back! Check out the rest under the read more! I’m playing on standard difficulty so if I’m having a hard time, I just suck.

So we, as Riku wake up in the basement of Castle Oblivion. How did he get there? Sora just waltzed in like it was no big deal. Riku has to materialize in a cold basement and be woken up by the disembodied voice of an all too familiar bastard… Who has a new voice.

Thanks for the card, voice of Ansem, “Seeker of Darkness”. That ain’t him. It’s been almost 10 years and I don’t remember much of this game but I know that new Richard Epcar voice ain’t Ansem.

Riku’s got no time to waste, he’s a man on a mission.

So we get a melancholy scene with Riku happening upon the room Maleficent gave him during his association with her in the first game. Memories he’d rather forget.

After progressing a bit, the disembodied voice returns once again to taunt Riku. “You cast aside your home, your friends, the darkness. What else do you have? Nothing. Your heart is as empty as your old room.”

It’s so weird playing as Riku but I hope we get more of that beyond KH3 (ReMind hasn’t released at the time of writing this)

Alot of this game so far has been me saying “I don’t remember this”… …So I don’t remember Riku’s level up system being this different to Sora’s.

…well that’s bullshit. I vaguely remember that. The fact that I can’t even edit the order my cards appear to me in battle is even more bullshit. I like to organize my cards by type and value until I’m forced to use a different method.

So I dont have to wait for the reload gauge to count down, it’s immediate and I dont lose a card on every reload like I thought I remembered… What’s the catch? I don’t trust like that.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

We meet up with Maleficent at the end of the map. She’s 100% aware she’s a figment of Riku’s memory. Riku is none too pleased to see her.

I love his sass

Riku’s ready to kick the asses of everyone corrupted by darkness, including his own, he says. Time for a dragon fight because otherwise Maleficent isn’t a threat apparently lmao. I don’t think the mcguffen card even showed up.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Oh look it’s that asshole. Or is it? Dun dun dunnnnn. God his lips look soft. Why was this necessary???

So who has dominion over this castle? Marluxia, or Ansem?

This fucker is like “Sonny, you couldn’t even win against Sora. You don’t stand a chance against me”.

You have a teenager lying on the ground... Please reword your demands.

Oh my god it’s Mickey Mouse! well… sort of. He’s a bright light. Gives Riku some nice words to keep him going.

Knowing what I know now about the Guardian heartless bro, everything is so much worse…

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Ooh first scene with the boys in the dark room. “Don’t I even warrant a hello, Lexaeus?” I don’t remember seeing this as funny before but now, like 10 years later I appreciate how funny it truly is. Zexion sounds so insulted.. Lexaeus is a man of few words. Then Vexen shows up and he’s getting right down to business. Zexion’s like “Nice to see you too. We all used to be so close, what happened?”

Vexen’s all offended about that and gets pissy about “rank this, rank that, ooh I’m number 4, you shrimpy child.” as if your number indicated rank. Xigbar is the 2nd member but Xemnas’s 2nd in command is Saix (from my understanding) so sit your ass down, Vex.

So Zexion’s special talent? He smells people.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Riku smells people too?. Oh ok he can smell the darkness in his skin. Take a shower! …When was the last time he even got the opportunity?

Mickey appears before him and tells him some words of encouragement. He’s transparent because he can’t fully manifest in the castle right now. So where’s the other 50% opacity hanging out at?

“We shook hands in our hearts” omg… 

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Let’s go to Neverland first yay. I did a team attack with Mickey. I remember that!

Imagine being in Riku’s stupid, dumb, giant, anime boy shoes… addressing a giant, bipedal mouse as “Your Majesty”……….. Actually my sister and I used to do that back in the day when we both were obsessed with the series. Regardless of context we’d call him “King Mickey”. It makes me cringe thinking back on it.

Oh I was gonna try to challenge myself to avoid using the dark power but I guess I dont have a choice but to use it. Might as well put points into it if that’s the case.

uses Key to Beginnings, is immediately thrown into a battle with Captain Hook oh I guess we’re not focusing on any events in these worlds they’re literally just to pad out Riku’s story. Riku is officially less Disney than Sora.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

How does Zexy know who Riku is? “Riku is here because Sora is here”. Vex that makes zero sense. What else is new?

Agrabah. Uneventful. Riku is not good at hitting small targets. Had a hell of a time fighting Jafar, or rather beating Iago to a pulp, in comparison to playing as Sora.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Next scene, and immediately like NO breath between the fade in and the scene itself, Vexen appears. And in even less time after he appears, “I take it you’re Riku?” This mofo has no time to waste. He’s a busy man.

Riku’s already tired of his bullshit and is ready to FIGHT. Same, Riku. Same.

I had him stun locked during most of this battle.

I JUST LOVE RIKU’S COMPLETE LACK OF FUCKS GIVEN HE’LL BEAT VEXEN’S SHIELD WITH HIS FISTS AND POMMEL

Vexen is a fucking twerp. And seems alot more crazy, mad scientist-y when interacting with Riku than Sora. Emphasis on “mad”. He cray

Why do they hang out in the dark? I mean, why no lamps? All I can imagine is them hanging out and barely able to actually see each other. The only way anyone knows who’s there is because Zexion can smell people, everyone else just assumes Lexaeus is there, Vexen won’t shut up about something something science, and Axel likes to hear himself talk.

Fat boi

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Zexion and Lexaeus are talking about what’s going on,  I’m still not sure what they’re doing here. Like, do they want Sora for the Organization? But Marluxia wants Sora as his personal puppet? What about Roxas? Isn’t he like, in a coma or something? Just kill Sora, Roxas will wake up, and SOMEONE’S got a Keyblade wielder again. Lex says Vexen hates Marluxia and things with the replica could turn out disastrously because of it. What IS Vexen’s beef with Marly?

Ok I know it’s to pad out a second campaign but why does Riku go to SORA’S memory worlds? Unless Riku stalked him throughout the entirety of KH1, or had so visit them for darkness missions, and those are his memories as well? Idk, it doesn’t have to be explicitly stated

Oh no Riku, it’s you.

So at this point he’s aware hes a copy? Does he forget later? With Namine’s meddling? How does Vexen create a living, breathing entity out of battle data? Like, where did the body come from? Did he have it on standby for a while until the right moment?

“You’re afraid of the dark” Repliku states.. Lmao yeah, Riku- he still sleeps with a night light. Don’t tell Sora.

Repliku is like, a worse Riku as far as personality goes. The punk-ass bitch Riku from KH1 but worse. Repliku is quick to ditch the double pants with suspenders and ankle belts for a muscle suit and grass skirt. I’m not sure which one’s worse.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I got two level ups out of that!

I high key love Repliku’s laugh here when Riku tries to attacks him again RIGHT AFTER THEIR FIGHT. It’s adorable, hilarious, and creepy. GG David Gallagher! Check out that video if you want. [video]

Dutch angles make everything more dramatic. Unofficial rule no. 1 of cinema. Repliku peaces out and we give chase up another flight of stairs and another cutscene plays. Repliku joins Zexion, Lexaeus, and Vexen in the dark room and they talk about introducing him to Sora.

Riku finds himself alone on the next floor, yelling at empty air. Ansem shows up to taunt Riku again. This dude just doesn’t quit. God forbid he learns no means go the fuck away.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Oh hey we’re in Atlantica! Maybe Riku can wash that darkness smell off his skin. Oh wait the water doesn’t really exist. And hes just a human, not swimming like a mermaid. Give me mer-Riku, you cowards. Twiggy mer-Sora is funny, twiggy mer-Riku with buff arms would be HYSTERICAL. I had a difficult time with Ursula because poor card management and I’m avoiding battles to get this game over with, which kinda shoots me in the foot as I’m not leveling up.

Yeah I was right, he ends up thinking HE’S Riku. I honestly feel bad for the guy… he’s so scared and betrayed. I know I was shit talking him just a bit ago but I need to protect Repliku. [video]

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Give Riku a Halloween Town outfit, you cowards.

This scene between Repliku and Namine is so bittersweet. [video] Just listen to how gentle he talks to Namine. Oh, my heart cannot handle it.

This game makes me so sad. Poor Repliku, poor Namine… Larxene continues to be The Worst. Like, the ABSOLUTE worst. Was Elrena like this?

(I keep getting progressively more and more angry because I can’t upload a video file to this on desktop but I can on mobile, but if I post a video on mobile I can’t edit a read more on desktop. AND I HAVE THREE VIDEOS I WANT TO PUT IN. SO I MADE A BLOG SPECIFICALLY SO I CAN POST THEM THERE AND LINK THEM HERE)

See you in part 2, where I will continue to drag Larxene.

[movie-reviewer-perhaps]

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD)

Yes ladies and gents tonight we are reviewing the hottest ticket in town...Avengers:Endgame, ok to be fair this isn’t gonna be like my regular stuff where i talk about the nerdy things because frankly i didnt pay attention to that; however, i will be watching this a few more times and then ill be able to talk about the more technical things but today instead of a formal review you're getting a sort of my experience/ emotions about Endgame. 

FIRST THING IS FIRST, let me just say that this movie was the definition of masterful. the Russo brothers handled this so beautifully and i honestly couldn't have asked for a better conclusion to the saga. nothing felt rushed or overlooked or glossed over, all of the emotions were explored and developed so we as an audience could feel them too. i really got a lot of the emotional impact with this one that i didnt get as much during infinity war,and i gotta say endgame was pretty much perfect on surface level. it felt like an ending it felt like we were saying goodbye to an era. i have grown up with the avengers so endgame had a lot to live up to and it did that. it delivered witty humor and emotional punches and bittersweet moments and gratifying payoffs. every single thing that i couldve ever thought of...endgame delivered. it feels so strange to say goodbye to characters ive known for so long, but, as they put it, it was the most honorable goodbye ever. i went to an 11oclock showing at night so im currently writing this at like 3am so forgive me if this is a bit dramatic bc im still all up in my feels but i guess now we should start with the discussion of what actually happened. LAST CHANCE TO GO AWAY IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT. I was really hoping my girl black widow would make it. shes been waiting in the shadows for so long but shes such a badass character that it surprises me how underrated she is. regardless, i understand why she had to die. from a character perspective, this was the end for her. this was the end of her arch, she had served her purpose. and that act of self sacrifice for family and for her partner, it was how it was supposed to end. i dont see a better way for her death to have been handled. im sad to see scarlett go from the cast but black widow got her proper goodbye and she will always hold a place in my heart. same applies to Tony, its gonna seem like im glossing it over, but Tony’s death was what it had to be. him realizing that theres more to it than being a playboy or superhero, him relizing that he is doing this for his child and for peter, him accepting that it only goes so far, it was the perfect end to his arch, and peter telling him sorry, calling him tony, and assuring him its ok was the perfect full circle moment. as for steve, even though it isnt an official death, it was a goodbye and yet again, a perfect ending to his character arc. he got what he wanted, it was bittersweet but in the end, he realized being a soldier was the life he wanted but not needed. and seeing him be with betty at last made it absolutely perfect. Banner, although not an official death, wont be joining us in any movies with at arm but mark ruffalo still has one more movie left so heres to hoping for a buddy-cop with natasha. and just like with everyone else he wrapped up very nicely and learned to embrace the hulk. now im really curious about what theyre gonna do with thor because they left him in a sort of odd position so i wonder what thats about. all of the new characters were sprinkled in nicely but this movie wasn’t about them so im not gonna talk about it too much.and as for thanos, he remains the best villain of the MCU fit for a movie event like this (eventhough he wasnt really a main villain in this move???its wierd and ill talk about it more later) one last full circle goodbye moment i wanted to mention was the last fight against thanos with all of the people from all of the movies. that really brought it over that top for me and i realized that this was truly what it was all building up to. also captain america can handle thors hammer now?? that was pretty cool and like my whole theater gasped and cheered when it happened including me, im just sad that it wont come into play anymore because his arch is over. anyway yeah i definitely cried tons at all those moments, which was what i mainly wanted to talk about and if i dont stop talking this is gonna be wayyyy to long, it kinda already is oops. 

im gonna hold off on a score till i see it a few more times but right now it stands wayyyyy high like a 9.8/10. ill be back with a technical review and ill probably make a few more posts about my favorite moments, talking more about interesting characters ect. so stay tuned. until then, i think those are my initial thoughts on endgame. 

[caskit2]

Gorillaz Analysis

Caskit’s not ready to throw all their cards on the table but the time has come!!! 

Okay then, I had to think long and hard about what I wanted to talk about here with Gorillaz cause DAMN!! 

I love gorillaz, 

I love the characters 

damon is a gift that we just dont deserve 

But how did I end up in the fandom pool? 

Well for one, I have heard of gorillaz music back in middleschool but at the time I was busy with Invader Zim and Inuyasha as well as jumping into this band wagon as well  (Full metal Alchemist) 

so by the time I turned to look at Gorillaz was when phase 3 was JUST wrapping up and making way for phase 4. which means I jumped into a fandom that had characters that I knew NOTHING ABOUT. Do you know what that means?

It means I also had no understanding or knowledge of why people shipped “this or that” in the fandom, but I gained some intel on the characters and the growing plot of the story, but other than that, I didnt understand why I was drawn to a particular “ship” in the fandom.  

*actual expression made, im not joking*

Once upon a time, caskit discovered 2doc and was not surprised that this was a ship. I have seen similar stuff that has a common theme that i was drawn to at the time. I was more interested in why fans ship them so I dived in head first into the boiling lava and came to a conclusion.,.....

I dont see them as able (capable?) of ever ending up in the way that most 2doc shippers would pick. The two are chaotic on levels of different tiers of “weird and gross” and I dont really have a reason as to why i was drawn to the ship, but It made me want to analyse what exactly a stable relationship is!

I basically walked around in that area of the fandom and didnt really form any “attachment” to it. I never really experienced a “healthy relationship”, lived in childhood and teen years were I went through life avoiding relationships. So I didnt have a good start, but I knew eventually that I would have to explain myself. 

I feel bad that I wouldnt be able to give a solid answer to what makes me want to sit down and analyse any scenario that has “present abuse undertones” but I know that in the past and how I grew up with what I was exposed to...That I would come to realize how unhealthy it is just for me. 

This post isnt particularly about 2doc itself, but its more about discussing how I handled MY reaction to something that I have seen over and over. In a way, I could see those abusive tones that were present.

Basically Caskit never experienced good healthy relationships and decided that it was a good idea to use gorillaz as a processing strategy....not a good idea in the end cause...OOOHHHHHHH 

It confused me more than before!!! 

I got friends that tag their stuff, and I dont really get so bothered with peoples own opinions, cause I was more worried about how I would come to understand everything. 

When I think about how fans are dividing and putting up a wall to keep “haters outa my yard”  it usually has to deal with shipping stuff, and character hating. And I guess I was confused about everyone’s perception of the characters.

Talking about the characters, I dont have a “least favorite to most” cause I have specific connections to them in different ways. 

I can find similarities to noodle for the expectations she had in a band at age 10 and growing up (plus we are both gays that dont like to publicly talk about relationships) 

I connect with Russel cause I lost a piece of myself  after a paranormal encounter and 3 near death experiences and suffer hallucinations. His protective demeanor to little noodle clicked with me. I see him as the Heart and soul, dedicated and warm friendly guy. ( you mean a decent human being right?)

I relate to 2d in a way that I share his enthusiasm, and mad bravery to live with the same guy who ran him over and caused 2 accidents that are permanent. 

I relate to murdoc in a weird way...  His childhood hits too close to home for me, as a CSA survivor of 2 incidents, pain addict and victim of abuse, draws similarities. But there were things that he has done that match things to my past like the abusive father, and dwelling on the darker aspect of a bittersweet reality. I was expressing physical violence to “show affection” and was never called out for it. I was not just a victim, I was also the abuser and since it was something that murdoc is faced with, is why I hated him. He is (for me) the thing I hate about myself. 

When I saw more and more fans hating on murdoc I wondered if people would ever think I was the same as him. Fans didnt like the way he treated 2d  and the rest of the band, And I agreed. Fans hated him for lying and causing drama and I agreed.  

His ignorance was a comedy slapstick (dressing in a nazi uniform cause he thought it “looked cool” despite russel telling him that its not a good idea) and was seen as the “crazy hooligan that has delusional dreams of fame”  and it bothered me that jamie used this to cover up allot of obvious issues that needed to be addressed. and the way that the fandom treated him made me think about how I would be accused of being like him. 

(thank goodness I didnt cause a car accident and have to sell my soul to satan for a shot at fame with a kickass band and didnt make uncomfortable sexual jokes or ignore others that tried to help me.) 

I can separate what justifies the hate on murdoc when it comes to abuse and causing shit to go down. becuase I did those things in the past, but it didnt take me more than a decade or more to realize that what I did was wrong! I didnt take forever to change for the better. so Im frustrated at him for taking so long to turn around and go “holly fuck im a bastard! I should probably fix that” 

Yeah NyOO ShiTT HunnayYY!! 

I dont hate him for being an idiot, I hate that he symbolizes all things wrong about me that never got closure! 

him admitting to being the cause of 2d’s social anxiety and eye damage as well as the abuse is easier said than done! but the fact that he is letting everything out of the “in-denial basket” is nice for me to see, cause right now Healing and progression in closure to issues of trauma is what is important to me. 

The endgame for my perspective on 2d and murdocs relationship is this: 

I dont want to ship them

I dont even see it as a thing regardless of character development and both guys working through their own shit themselves. 

I am not the best person to explain what a toxic or abusive relationship can be. 

Why? becuase I lived through it and I was both the victim and abuser to myself  and grew up without a good relationship (and I have a fear of positive affection) so I dont enjoy going through the same pattern as before where i shipped abuse in the past as a “dumb 13 year old weeboo” 

I dont view their relationship as romantic, or platonic, or healthy. 

I just want the boys to enjoy their own character growth individually. 

I would like to eventually see a friendship with them But I’ll be more excited if instead the whole band eventually gain a healthy relationship with everyone.  

Year 2018 marks the year I jumped in head first into gorillaz as a blind fruit bat 

(I call it the year caskit played with fire) for cosplaying ‘murdoc fuckn wrinkles’ at a convention around the time the fandom was yelling at him and jamming to 2d’s album. 

Caskit jumped into the shipping lava all for Behavioral analyzing and hopped over fences to see other fans perspectives of characters they liked and hated just to make sure Caskit could understand the illuminati that is Gorillaz. 

I made friends all over the fandom, and thanks to a few people, I gained more confidence to push my art skills and create some kickass art of Gorillaz. 

And yeah I yap yap about murdoc ( looks over @russelhusselhobbs im sorry you put up with my bullshit) but remember peeps. 

I like hearing about the others and have gotten more into 2d’s character as well as Jumping over the fence to go hang out with russel fans and listen to fangirling from friends and just trying to be a freakn fairy godmother and deliver some good representing art. 

And for those who aren’t aware, my past artwork is probably gonna float around so if its signed as Caskit or Caskit19 then its mine and if you see my old 2doc stuff.....,

for the trigger. 

But YEAHHHHHH!!! I wanted to throw all this on the table. and I dont know how to feel about that...(I swear my friend jokes with “need some feel good inc for Caskit” ) Kinda contemplating my choice between sticking my head into a hornets nest or jumping into a dark water trench.... the hornets nest sounds less likely to give me a seizure induced panic attack so ill go for that. ( I have a tolerance for inflicted pain so no you cant hurt me by using violence cause I dont have any consideration for myself and my safety)  

But yeah now I can get back to drawing fun stuff. (hopefuly caskit wont have to bore you guys with stupid shit ever again! xD) 

[coromoor]

Submission: (It’s way too long to post it in the inbox so i will submit it like that, im sorry 😂)

Hello Cor! I just want to share my thoughts and my feelings with you ha ha because I’m so emotional right now like I dunno how to feel… It’s like im in denial but not that much? Im sad and all but the good fandom post and memes make me so happy ha ha and also, i can’t really be sad after such a beautiful chap. It’s was nearly perfect, i really loved it! (I want to say a random fact that this chapter was the longest I spend time on, 3h to read it ha ha ha) So, I have so much to say about it 😂

First, I really loved the contrast of the last two chapter covers with the B&W lycoris/butterfly and the minimalistic look, such an impact and it’s stunning!

Second, all the characters look are amazing! Hide? SUCH A CUTIE AND PERFECT BOI ❤️ (his smiley mask, i can’t 😭) Tsukiyama with his shorter hair and his hair on the side? PERFECT he really looks like a prince and/or a character from a shojo (as expected of TG XD) Nishiki with a little undercut? YASSSS good shit 👌 Urie with no undercut? ALSO VERY GOOD 👌 (he got an Ayato look :x) Mutsuki & Shinsanpei with shorter hair? GIVE IT TO ME Yusa? Still with fluffy hair! Yomo with (i hope it’s pink) ribbons? A dream comes true!!!!!!😭👌 Pleasure-chan? SO FCKING PERFECT SHES PERFECT I CANT OMFG AND KANEKI AND TOUKA ❤️💖❤️💖❤️💖😭👌😭👌😭👌 (and all the characters are perfect so many, to react to them all 😂)

Third, it was so bittersweet to see Ui, Hirako and Kuramoto seeing each other even when they don’t work together anymore and also when they visit Arima with Fura i- i just- 😭😭😭

Fourth, IM SO HAPPY TO SEE TOKAGE FUCKING FINALLY DEAD YES he really deserved it.

Fifth, Yusa grew up so much he’s so cute & hot i can’t 😭❤️ and the Qs and all at the Chateau living like a big family it’s just so perfect i can’t… My heart 😭❤️ Strong vibes from Urie being the Dad and Saiko being the Mom 😂😂😂 Urie smiling genuinely makes me so happy woahhh i love him so much (and him getting a little bit jealous over Mutsuki’s promotion was 👌) and the photos of the Qs… Like the photo Hori took way back in the first volume and the fact that Urie was making the same hand sign as Shirazu in the lastest Qs photo broke my heart… 😭😭😭

Sixth, the whole part with the reunion of Juuzou and Shinohara was too perfect for me, i couldn’t contain my tears… 😭 The page with Juuzou falling on his knees was so damn powerful and the next page have an even bigger impact with the parallel of the first part. Like Juuzou has the same expression for two similar situation… AND ALSO i broke in tears again when i saw the arcana 21 on Juuzou like… It hit me like a truck and reminded me again that it’s the end, it’s the conclusion and i can’t handle that… 😭💔Anyway, im so happy to see that Juuzou and Shinohara are reunited!

Seventh, all the marriages that happened and no AyaHina (yet) im waiting sensei ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) joking, all the marriages are so pure (Naki and Miza ha ha ha Poor Miza she really is strong and their kids are soooo cute, Nishiki and Kimi, I was really happy to be fully canon after that page in the calendar, they are so perfecttttt 💖 [but JB’s translation makes it like they aren’t married so i dunno actually] and Jiro and Banjou, so cute too!).

Eighth, the part with Rio is sad and I wished we could see more of AkirAmon but i dont really mind!

Ninth, I knew Yomo would be head over heels (well who isn’t lmao?) for Pleasure-chan ha ha and Ayato is like his uncle 😂 I laughed so hard when i saw those panels ha ha

Tenth, the new style for the Clowns is greatttt, i feel like everyone cut their hair shorter 😂 Uta is still great with that hair (Itori too) but something bugs me… Uta… Doesn’t have any tattoos anymore? 🤔 I think it’s maybe something Ishida-sensei forgot since he was in such a rush…

And CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW TOUKA IS PERFECT???????????? 💖 THE QUEEN IS PERFECT 💞💖😭👌 and the second baby Kaneki??? SIGN ME THE FCK UP!!!!! I hope it’s a boy so it’ll become a parallel to the Kirishima siblings ❤️ hu hu hu hu hu and is it me or i feel strange having all the characters infos but not Touka’s? :/

But it was great to see (and notice) that the first character we see of the TG series is Hide and that he’s the first one we see on the last chapter AND! the last one with the character info!!! I loved getting a little bit of his backstory (and even if it’s a mistranslation or smth i want Hide to have canon gay dads ha ha)! And to see Kaneki (being saved by Ayato 👌) so happy and all with his family, his friends, his loved ones, is so pure and amazing, he finally made peace and he is living. It’s such a perfect ending and im so proud of him and grateful to sensei. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ The clear blue sky page is so amazing i can’t… And the last nostalgic color page of TouKen? YES & THANK YOU ISHIDA-SENSEI 🙏❤️😭

It was a great manga that i followed for nearly four years with all the screamings, the tears, the stress, the pains and the joys and i never invested so much time and effort (even tho i remained in the shadows, lurking, of the fandom 😂) into a manga before and im so glad i found people that much invested in it and thank you Cor for always bringing the good in the fandom and let your emotions out for us, I really related to you! 😂 You really are a great person imo, so yeah, really, thank you very much for all the things you did! 😄👍 💖

(And i am so sorry for this big ass text i can’t believe it’s that long :x)

Ps : And also i forgot to talk about Kuroiwa being alive… Well im glad the Kuroiwa family is fine but i thought he was dead, and also Takeomi with his child (i hope he becomes a friend of Pleasure-chan and/or Baby Kaneki in the future) was funny and him and Urie being now bff is A+++++

Pps : Despite having being sold the CCG and endured so much, Saiko (and her mysterious brother, i really want to see his face) took care of their mother until the end…

Ppps : Last but not least, this chapter was really full of love and friendship, it was so bright and blinding, wow! Never a TG chapter felt this radiant before!

Tl;dr This chapter was amazing and a roller coaster of emotions but im so happy to know a fabulous manga like that! ❤️ And that’s all, thx for reading all that nonsense ha ha ha 😂😂😂

I’m answering this from the puddle in the floor I melted into seeing that ending with the blue sky, thankyou for sharing your thoughts and joining me in this fandom! I had so much fun ❤️

[ntaliavr]

dear ex best friend, dear past me, dear future me, dear anyone

Dear ex best friend,

I hope your stomach twists whenever you pass by that ride at the mall we insisted on going on as much as possible. I hope your heart aches when you hear one of our many “theme” songs. I know thats kind of bad, but I guess i’m still kind of angry, kind of hurt- and a part of me feels as if I wasted my time with you, but I didn’t. we have really amazing memories. there was a point where we were inseparable,. you were the person I had most in common, the person I could laugh over anything with- but I believe everything happens for a reason. as shitty as this was, I wouldn’t undo what happened with us. I saw your true colours, I saw how you refused to even try to salvage our friendship because you wanted to impress others. you’ve always been like that, you’ve always wanted to be liked. and thats fine, I really hope you figure out that not everything revolves around social media or other people. I know you have never been as happy as you pretend to be online, and its really sad how you feel the need to mask so much. I hope you find true happiness, and I hope you grow up to treat others kindly. you’ve always been able to walk out of people’s lives so easily, I never thought it would happen with me. I think thats what hurt and surprised me the most. I’m glad I handled everything the way I did, without throwing shade or whatever, and maybe a situation like this will happen for you so you can try and do the same next time. please never forget who stayed with you at your birthday party, the countless inside jokes and therapy sessions, and never forget how you lost a really great friendship.

dear past me,

don’t be scared of who you are, don’t feel too hurt by your friends jokes. they aren’t serious, and they aren’t really your friends anyway. you love people too much, don’t expect the same love back. you’ll learn that just because you are comfortable with somebody, it doesn’t mean they really care about you. try your hardest to be kind, no matter how much you are hurting. you’ll regret that you didn’t try hard enough later on. I forgive you for a lot of the dumb stuff you have done, even if it was intentionally hurting somebody. you will grow a lot when you leave OCSA, and as much as it hurts- you’ll be glad you did. never be afraid to take risks

dear future me,

I hope you’re not hurting as much anymore. I hope you’re alone and content, or surrounded by people who truly care and love for you the way you do about them. maybe you have grown in a lot of ways, or maybe you haven’t grown at all. either way, I hope you’re a person who can admit to their faults and mistake while still trying to fix or save something. be confident, act sure of your choices even if you’re not, and talk to people. I’ve always believed that the best way to fix something is to talk about it, and hopefully you still have that same belief. be aware of what you say or your sarcasm, a lot of people don’t understand it. love yourself! don’t kill yourself I rlly hope you’re not dead lmao. grow from the past, i hope you don’t still dwell on it.  

dear anyone,

im so happy for you. I am, and I’m really proud of you too. I dont know you personally the way I used to, but I’m not sad about that anymore. i guess its bittersweet. I only see posts from your instagram now- but you seem much happier. I hope you are. she seems like an amazing person, and I don’t understand the comments she leaves on your posts but I see your love for her. its very apparent, and very beautiful. I don’t think of you as much as I used to, i don’t remember the sound of your laugh and I don’t I miss the feeling of your arms around me. I cant remember any of that anymore, and that kind of hurts, because a part of me still wants to. I’ve always had awful memory, but I never wanted to forget us. I guess I never really will, you’ll always be the first person I fell in love with- the first person I stayed up with all night on the phone and the first person I felt truly comfortable with in every type of way. past friendship, past romance, past everything. you’ll always have a part of my heart with you, and all i need to do now is learn to accept that. im getting there, its just weird for me still. I don’t know if you remember us or any of our experiences- I don’t even know if I want you to sometimes, but I just hope you remember me. its okay if you don’t if it makes you happier though. I’ll always care for you, ill always want you happy because you really are such an amazing and kind person. thank you for showing me so much, and thank you for teaching me how to let go.

[iam-still-sugarpeaa]

So this is me. I do stuff like this for validation. Not that I care for opi ions of other but I do care for opinions of the world.

It took me all this time what I mean is it took me an hour to find the pose, filter lighting and angle. It also took me years to even face myself on that front camera. It took me years to have an acceptable face. It's going to take me longer to find that it's ok to take shameless selfies and pot them but I'm already posting them.

What I mean is that this isn't me. This is a version of me where no one see my scars inside and out. It's a version of me I put on instagram and facebook to show everyone I'm ok and I'm doing ok. The smile isnt my natural smile because when I smile I have a double chin and I have unattractive dimples all over my face.

I still hate my face.

I am still hating myself but publicly people lie and tell you you're beautiful and it's a bittersweet lie that I'm willing to temporarily accept so I can build my tiny steps towards loving my face just as much as my boyfriend loves me.

This isnt me it's the me who is ok with selfies and sneaky photos your friends take of you. It's the me where you dont see me cry. This girl, nay: woman, that has lived and will continue to live but the woman, nay: the girl, behind that photo, this very screen is crying because her nose is crooked because she has the face so unlikable how can anyone like this.

People will be like "fishing for compliments" no I'm fishing for the big bite. The holy mackerel. I'm searching and fishing for the love I want to find for myself. But that fish is so deep below the depths of this bottomless lake and I'm not even sure if there are fish in here.

This is the me I aspire to be.

Unapologetically beautiful. I wanna be the girls you see online and be like damn, her features are true to her. I wanna be like the guys you see where you see their hair and it looks good and it makes sense with their vibe.

What I mean is, is that I want to be happy with myself. I dont wanna go back into old habit but I see myself drowning in that same lake. In that same body of water only it's not water its shame. Oh how I wish to share the embedded dwelling in my heart to someone to anyone just so I have confidence in the fact that I know someone has felt this aching pain I feel whenever I do anything. I am so embarrassed by myself and I am so ashamed of my self. But not that girl in that photo attached to this post. No. Shes shameless and is content to show her round features and fake freckles gifted to her by snapchat and shes fun and quirky because she thinks she has a right to show her face online. Shes daring alright, tell that to her stomach as it openly accepts food it "deserves"

Me and Her are not the same person. Shes someone who could be someone but everything shes tied to should be hidden. The night terrors she has and the alcohol she ingests and the amount of love she receives is all that is keeping her alive.

Little does she know. Shes cared about. But doesnt know how to feel cared for. She is adored but doesnt know how to handle that. She has feelings but doesnt want to feel them. Shes scared. I'm scared. Maybe we can be the same person one day. But for now she'll be online showing the face of "I'm ok," and "dont worry about me" while I will be behind the accounts worrying and taking care of everything else.

[lovebunnie]

nick carraway and jay gatsby are both gay and heres why

its 11:30 at night and i have class tomorrow but ive been itching to make this post for about a week so im gonna do it. this wont be centered as much around jay and nick being in LOVE, since id have to read and analyze it a bit more to make honest to god claims and opinions for that, but these r some of the reasons that point to both of these characters being completely gay. also, im going to be issuing some points from others sources, but ill include links to the original texts which i recommend reading!

1

so the great gatsby was written in 1925, a time full of alcohol, financial bliss, and parties like u would not believe. many of these themes are prevalent in the novel, making themselves known all throughout. even the term ‘gatsby-like’ is extremely well known. needless to say, this book is extremely well known in every front. one of the ones i saw the most was calling the great gatsby ‘the greatest love story ever written.’ and before i read the novel myself, i wouldnt have been able to tell u any different. but when u read it, and really, how u analyze it, really shapes how u see the characters. to some people, it really could be an amazing love story. but to me, this story is written about someone obsessed with a facade, denying himself who he is, and a man who watches his downfall and can do nothing to stop him.

one very important thing to acknowledge is how this novel is told: its told completely in nicks perspective. we only know how he feels, we only know these characters based on how nick sees them. it is immediately biased towards nick. and what he does is describe a hell of a lot of people. but it is very distinctive in the way he does it; men and women are very differently described.

nick describes daisy in her voice and the power it has over people. all of nicks flowery language goes into daisys speech, but not in great length about what daisy looked like. with jordan, nick does a bit more describing in the way she is ‘small-breasted’ and had the ‘shoulders of a young cadet.’ these traits are masculine, and we know from the novel that nick does enjoy jordans company and he does say he ‘enjoys looking at her.’ hell, even the name ‘jordan’ is traditionally masculine. nick sees jordan leaning more towards masculinity than femininity. but even still, the flowery language is not as grand as it could be, not as we know nick can get.

its when nick is describing men that things get bold and expressive. even while describing tom does nick go into great and intimate length with him;  ‘ He had changed since his Haven years. Now he was a sturdy straw haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and a supercilious manner. Two shining arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding boots could hide the enormous power of that body he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing, and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage -- a cruel body’ the author of this paper literally said this passage ‘pulses with sexual energy,’ and this is for a character nick doesnt even like. it obviously means more in the way nick describes him, has more heart and passion put into it.

and now gatsby, who nick, in the final chapters, dwells on even more. we know gatsby is attractive, that much we can tell without nick even really having to describe him. but even in a single paragraph about his smile does it provoke more feeling than anything else about daisy or jordan;  ‘ He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. It faced --or seemed to face-- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.’

like. damn nick. this is only about gatsbys smile. this was no accident or cruel twist of fate; nick is enamored with jay and obviously finds him attractive and also enjoys looking at him, like jordan. nick sees men and women differently. this could be chocked up to ‘it was the olden days’ and ‘sexism,’ but nick isnt rude to these women, nick is simply not interested in them, at all.

but how do we know nick is gay? wheres the textual proof? its written out word for word, you just have to know where to look. and where to look is at the very end of chapter 2.

so chapter 2 does a lot for the plot; it basically introduces nick to the life these people live and makes him see how unappealing it is. we meet a large cast of characters and expand on others, like myrtle, her sister, and most importantly to the subject of nicks sexuality, mr. mckee.

mr. mckee is described as a ‘pale feminine man’ and nick offhandedly describes the smudge of shaving cream on his cheek. weird right? later in the night, nick describes himself as ‘ Taking out my handkerchief I wiped from his cheek the remains of the spot of dried lather that had worried me all the afternoon.’ nick has been LOOKING at this married man all night and cleaned him up when he was messy like come ON. plus, a ‘pale feminine man’ could very easily be a stereotype of a gay man, especially in the 1920s.

but then comes the most important part about nicks sexuality in the entire book: the ellipses.

the great gatsby is relatively short, only about 200 pages or so, give or take. fitzgerald would not include anything he wouldnt need, as he is also an expert in metaphors and making things seem as they are not. everything is masterfully placed and paced, making it seem to flow like water. 

the scene in question describes mr. mckee and nick on an elevator, leaving the party. mr. mckee walked out, leaving his wife, and nick decided to follow. heres the scene:

Come to lunch some day,” he suggested, as we groaned down in the elevator.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

“Keep your hands off the lever,” snapped the elevator boy.

“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. McKee with dignity, “I didn’t know I was touching it.”

“All right,” I agreed, “I’ll be glad to.”

. . . I was standing beside his bed and he was sitting up between the sheets, clad in his underwear, with a great portfolio in his hands.

“Beauty and the Beast . . . Loneliness . . . Old Grocery Horse . . . Brook’n Bridge. . . . ”

Then I was lying half asleep in the cold lower level of the Pennsylvania Station, staring at the morning Tribune, and waiting for the four o’clock train.

LIKE. WHAT.

those ellipses separate the time between nick and mr. mckee on the elevator and nick and mckee at his home, with one in underwear and then nick leaving for the train at 4am. there is a large gap of time missing from this, and nick decided to leave it out while fitzgerald decided to keep it in. it means something, and the use of ellipses gives the audience enough to know what is happening without explicitly telling them. it is the authors ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ to the audience. think of the environment nick was in; tom was cheating with myrtle, the heavy metaphor of the eyes watching over the sins we think no one can see. this party was full of mischief and nick fucked a married man.

mckee does not seem intoxicated, he invites nick out to lunch while gripping the elevator handle, which are always objects shaped like dicks. plus in the novel, the scene does feel somewhat out of place; nick does not spend too much time discussing the interactions between mckee and himself, it seems thrown in. i get the impression that nick almost didnt want to include it it his writing, and put it in last minute. however, nick is fictional and i dont have much to go on off from an almost 100 year old book. its open to personal interpretation, but it seems like nick and mckee had sex and nick left on the 4am train, leaving mckee in his underwear at his own home looking through his pictures.

even at the beginning of the novel, nick is planning on living in a house with another man before the plan falls through and he goes to washington dc. could this be a failed boyfriend? we cant say. but it is a possibility.

nick carraway ends the novel mourning his friend jay gatsby, moving back to the midwest alone and away from the glitz and glam of new york. his ending does not involve getting married and having kids and riding off into the sunset, which seems bittersweet for our narrator. however, given the way things planned out for other characters, this is the best ending we could hope for for nick, one away from the destruction and one where he can at least begin to to to be happy again.

and now we move onto jay.

ill admit, this has little to do with textual evidence; i cant point out a place where jay fucks a dude or describe the way jay sees men and women; with nick being our narrator, again, he only know his perspective. but we do hear things about jay from other characters, how he acts and acted before nick and the type of man he is.

wolfshiem describes jay as ‘ very careful about women. He would never so much as look at a friend’s wife.’ this means that jay knows women and knows when to back off, never advancing on someone he had no claim to. this is very important to me for several reasons.

1. it implies jay is not a cheater

2. it implies jay has been around enough women to know who is who

3. it shows jay is respectful

this also says to me that jay is not bi; he only has eyes for daisy, and not other woman. and those eyes for daisy are questionable.

we know daisy and jay had last seen each other 5 years prior to the events of the novel. in that time, jay had collected numerous things about daisy, built a house just so he could see her, and blew thousands of dollars every weekend for parties in hope that daisy would show up, even obtaining money illegally just to impress daisy.

jay gatsby is obsessed with daisy.

this is obvious from the text, the behaviors he puts forward are strange and creepy in pursuit of daisy. gatsby stares longingly out the window, cant hold a conversation with nick, and flat out bolts out of a restaurant to avoid embarrassment. he is an awkward guy, no doubt. and he lives his life as trying to be someone else, specifically, the man he thinks daisy wants from 5 years ago. when the car crashes with myrtle, all gatsby cares about is how daisy feels; when hes literally about to get ganked all he thinks about is daisy, daisy daisy daisy.

this isnt love, and i think deep down, jay knows it. this is the equivalent of dudebros who go above and beyond to prove they arent gay but end up the most gay of them all. gatsby is compensating for his feelings and trying to push the limit to deny himself more and hide back into the closet. he wants to seem the most manly he can get and basically say ‘wow i love women! i love women so much! look what i did for this woman! look at how much i love her!’

daisy is the first person jay felt he could be himself around, could begin to feel happy. and when he went to war, he no longer had something to push all his feelings onto. plus he was surrounded by other men, and for someone so in denial about their own sexuality, it probably drives them to pretty bad places. pretty obsessive places. he needs daisy, not because he loves her, but because he needs to security blanket. he needs to feel validated.

those glaces and stares out at nick feel like cracks of the real jay poking through, one who likes men but cannot admit it to himself. after all, as a man so attached and desperate for the ‘american dream,’ back in the 1920s, that did not include marrying a man. jay lives with internalized homophobia and tries to calm his nerves with his pretend love of daisy.

i could go on and on about this forever but its 12:30 and i have class.

if u take nothing from this, let me leave u with these main bullets:

TL;DR

nick fucked a dude

nick describes men erotically while he describes women very dully

nick almost lived with another man

jay is obsessed with daisy to repress his emotions

the separation and wartime made things worse for him

his internalized homophobia causes the plot

his longing stares out the window at nick are cracks in his facade

ty and goodnight

[jinyoungs-hipsdontlie]

a letter to you, jonghyun.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitating and reconsidering alot regarding this but i felt the need to do it so here goes.

This is going to be my last farewell letter to Jonghyun. This is where i’m going to spill all my thoughts out on everything that has happened, in order for me to finally let go and heal from this situation. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but i guess i really need to let it all out.

I want to finally move on from this. I want to get back to my usual self. It’s been terribly exhausting for me lately; emotionally, mentally and even physically. 

And no, this is not the last time i will post about Jonghyun. But this would be the final one filled with sadness and grief. After this, i want to only post bright and happy memories of him, just like how i want to remember him forever.

NOTE: It’s going to be EXTREMELY long (2800+ words i never knew i had to express) and kinda triggering so i put it under keep reading. Please ignore and scroll past this post if you know you might be triggered. I really dont want any of you guys to hurt more than you already have.

[death tw] [suicide tw] [suicidal ideation tw] [depression tw]

. . .

And now i think, it’s time. 

It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. ——————————–

Sigh.

Where do i even begin.

This is so hard.

…It still hurts. Everything hurts.

Hearing that you took your own life broke me. Death, especially of a loved one, has always been my biggest fear in life. I lost a schoolmate back in September 2012 through suicide. And just last year in November 2016, i lost my aunt to suicide. And 5 days ago, 18th December 2017, i lost you, my first ever idol through the same horrid way.  And that’s part of the reason why i think, that i felt the news of you leaving the world hit so close to home for me personally.

It opened up old wounds for me, and i thought that this time, instead of keeping strong and playing a facade, im going to let myself feel, to grieve and mourn and then recover. When i lost my aunt last year, i wasn’t able to grieve much. Because i had to stay strong for my mother who had just lost her beloved sister. I couldnt just stand and cry, i had to hold my mom’s arm and support her to walk during the funeral and prayers. So this time, i did not lie to myself that i was okay, because i wasnt at all.

The first 3 days. I havent been able to eat, just water and barely a few spoons of rice each day… eating so that i wouldn’t make my family worried about me. I havent been able to sleep well, just a few hours each day, because the image of you appears before me whenever i close my eyes. I couldnt even watch your videos or listen to your voice as it hurt too much. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I feel so lost, so empty, literally on autopilot mode.

But no, i’m not blaming you for taking your own life. I’m not angry at you, i’m not disappointed in you, i really have no negative feelings towards you. Because i know, that what im suffering now… is the tiniest fraction of how much you have. For how long you have been in pain and how much you hurt, i’m so sorry. 

I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. I’m sorry you felt so alone even though you’ve been practically screaming it out to us. I’m sorry that the world was not your fate. I’m sorry for everything.

It pains me so much, to know that you had everything planned out. You, suffering in the dark, still continued being the kindest person through it. You had waited for your member’s birthdays to be over, you waited until your solo concert series was over, you left a meaningful song for us fans… to cope with the loss of a loved one, knowing fully well that we would need it after hearing the news of your death. You left a note for your loved ones, you even messaged your beloved sister before it all. You have always been so kind. 

Reading that letter you left us, it broke me so much. I cant even find words to describe it because i never ever thought you have been in so much despair. I don’t advocate suicide or taking the life of ownself, but as your long time fan, i respect your decision. All i can say is, you did so well Jonghyun. It is indeed commendable that you made it this far, and you really did go through alot.  

I can’t help but feel so sorry even though i know that there’s nothing i could have done. It just hurts to know it was so bad, so bad that you had to end it yourself since it was too much for you to handle. I cant imagine the feelings that went through you that day, when you knew you were going to take your life. Did you eat your favourite meal knowing it’d be your last? Were you crying or just all numb? I tried to tell myself not to think so much about you on that day, but i couldn’t stop myself from thinking. 

Sigh.

The first three days was a nightmare. That monday evening, i cried so much. The initial shock and sorrow was too hard to handle. The news crashed down on me so hard. 

On the 19th, i remember breaking down when i came home after class. I broke down bad, crying so terribly hard.

On the 20th, I attended a vigil that we had for you here in Singapore. It was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever done. 

I tried to be strong, but seeing the other shawols at the florist also buying roses for you, i broke down. We all did. It was so heartbreaking. I had to fight so hard make sure i didn’t cry on the train as i made my way to the venue. 

I think the only way i could describe the vigil; bittersweet. Approx a thousand people came, of all ages, to pay our last respects to you in our own way. The lightsticks, the flowers, the letters, the shawols who relied on each other and grieved together. It was all so beautiful, but it hurt so much. 

I teared up when i was already in the queue. I held the lightstick and letters in one hand, and a red rose in the other. As i got closer, i brought the rose close to my nose. I took a deep breath, five times. Each time after i say a prayer for every member of SHINee. First you, then the rest by age order.

My walls finally broke, after i placed my flower near the picture of you and said a prayer. It was so hard. I couldnt stop the tears. And to the little angels over there who gave out tissues fo all of us who broke down, and giving free hugs to anyone in need, thank you. I cried in my sister’s arms. I’m not one who shows my tears infront of people i love, but this time i couldnt keep the strong facade. I had to let it all out. 

Shortly after, we all gathered close, and sang the chrous of your debut song, Replay. I tried to keep my voice stable, but i couldnt help the falter at the end. Also, like what you wanted and what you deserved to hear, we all told you ‘수고했어요 - You did well’ in unison. I couldn’t help but break down again at that. It was really so difficult to face reality, but that vigil had brought me the slightest bit of acceptance. Im thankful for my chance to attend it.

And then Thursday.

21.12.17, you were finally laid to rest. With all your loved ones by your side, i hope those last moments were not lonely for you. You are so loved Jonghyun, you really are.

I woke up that morning trembling for some reason. I checked my phone, and saw that none of my alarms had rung. Puzzled why i woke up so early, i looked at the time. And realized that it was just 10 minutes before your funeral procession.

I had to be in class in an hour and i knew i couldnt bear to see or hear anything about your funeral so i immediately uninstalled Facebook and Twitter. But when i came home that afternoon, i told myself, that i should just see the pictures/watch the procession. Not to see everyone mourning or what so ever, but for the sake of closure. For acceptance. I think i needed it. 

And so i did. And god, how much i cried. It broke me so much, i shook terribly while sobbing. It was the worst thing i have seen, every single second pained me. That was not the image i had when i said i wanted to see SHINEE has five again. What’s worse, Kibum’s letter to you was uploaded 10 minutes later. And damn, cue the tears again. He’s so strong and he really loves you so much, Jonghyun. 

After crying for longer than i’d like to admit, i drank a glass of water and stared up to the sky. I gave a final prayer to you, for you to rest in peace. 

A few hours later, strangely, i felt calmer. For the first time since your passing, i felt like i could feel you were finally in peace up there. I really hope you are. That evening, i managed to eat my first proper meal in 3 days. I guess i’m finally accepting it.

And yesterday. 

I woke up and even though it hurt, i told myself i have to move on. I still couldnt eat properly and skipped meals but i managed to eat dinner? And even though i was still pretty empty and lost, i agreed to watch a movie with my sister at the cinema. I was reminded of you throughout and i did feel pangs of sadness, but i could still enjoy it slightly. 

And last night, i managed to watch a video of you singing. I’ve seen it on my tumblr dash a few times and so i told myself to watch and listen to your voice again, instead of scrolling past. It was that video of you singing ‘This Woman’s Work’. Oh how much have i missed your voice! I would be lying if i said i didn’t cry, but i pulled through and watched til the end. The way you sang with all your heart, so beautiful, that’s the Jonghyun i have always loved. 

Then after, I listened to your song, ‘End of a day’. I already knew my dams would break with this one so i got my tissues ready. And cried hard did i. But i was able to listen to the end, paying so much attention once again to the tones of your voice and how beautiful it is. 

I don’t know how but somehow after listening to your voice, even though i cried through it, i felt much calmer and stronger. Sigh… look at you, even in heaven you’re still comforting me with your beautiful voice. An angel you really are. And last night after all that, for the first time this entire week, i managed to sleep well. For 10 hours straight. Call it wishful thinking, but im pretty sure it’s because i finally listened to your voice again. That calming voice which i love. 

And today, a Saturday, i woke up to Jinki’s letter. Look at him, the world’s greatest leader. Even in all this chaos, he’s still so strong and reliable. He loves you so much, Jonghyun. And so does all your members. 

I was also able to eat 2 full meals today. I drank more water than i had for each of the past 5 days. I  also watched funny videos of you, Jonghyun. I washed my hair, did my usual skincare routine which i paused since Monday. And now, here i am, about to sleep, with a facial mask to use once i post this.

I think i’m coping better these days.

Jonghyun, i’m doing well right? Please tell me i’m doing well too. Please continue to give me strength and happiness from up above, to help me move on and be myself again, and even in the future. Please be my guiding angel, like what you’ve been for the last 8 years to me. 

You’ve changed the colour of the moon and lamps to our favourite pearlescent aqua, you’ve given us so many signs that you’ve made it to heaven and the skies this past week, thank you for reassuring us fans that you’re doing well up there. Please look after us from above; most importantly, your mother, sister, the members, your friends and loved ones. 

…..

I just want to let you know again, that becoming a fan of SHINee and even more, a fan of you, Jonghyun, is still and will forever be one of the best decisions i have ever made. 

Do you remember that time i first heard SHINee? I saw a group of students performing Ring Ding Dong at a school event and thought it was great so i went to check it out.

Do you remember the time you made me smile and laugh so hard during Hello Baby? I watched the entire thing in 2 days on Youtube, it’ll always be my favourite, i can never forget you and your skinship with baby Yoogeunie.

Do you remember how i was so proud when you released your first solo album? It was amazing!

Do you remember how much happy tears i cried along with you and the boys when SHINee won Best Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards in 2013? My heart was bursting with pride! 

Do you remember how i went to Seoul in October 2015 and September 2017 and took a picture/selfie next to every standee or advertisement of yours i saw? I didn’t care if i looked weird or funny cos as a fan, that was a golden moment as i never was able to get that close to you.

And of course, do you remember how ecstatic i was when i heard SHINee was coming to Singapore for Music Bank in August and Shilla Duty Free Beauty Concert in November? Who cares how overpriced the tickets were… I was the happiest person when i got them! 

Watching you perform and listening to your beautiful voice live not once but twice, is one of my happiest moments in life, and it will forever be.

…sigh… it sucks when reality hits me and i realize that i won’t be able to see you again, well not in this lifetime at least. But i can assure you, Jjong, that i will never ever forget you.

You may not be in the same form as me, but know that you are everywhere with me. In my heart, in my mind, in my music albums, in my phone’s gallery, in my old study notes that i scribbled your name, in my keychain hung on my bag, in my pearlescent aqua coloured portable charger and sweater, and ofcourse, in my beloved SHINee lightstick. 

I love you and i won’t forget you.

…Before i conclude, i want to say thank you. 

Thank you for being my first ever idol and my first love.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh til i cry.

Thank you for composing and writing such beautiful songs, your music as SHINee and as a solo artist has given me immense strength and happiness and comfort all these years.

Thank you for being an amazing role model, your actions/thoughts/words have inspired me to be a better person.

Thank you for being so strong all these years, and trying your best to fight the negativity.

Thank you for being the best son and the best brother to your mother and sister, your adoration and love for them are the sweetest thing ever.

Thank you for being the kindest, most loving and the most supportive brother to Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin; your love for them and their love for you have shown me what true friendship and family is. 

Thank you for everything, Jonghyun.

And now i think, it’s time. It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace.