#i dont sense what i have in personality. its all.. jumbled.

[ventcode]

i hate myself

[slttygeto]

helloooo i've been reading your work and i really like how you write so i was wondering if you could please write about toji taking care of the reader whos in/just go out of the hospital?? feel free to make any changes ^^ im excited to see how it turns out!!

༉‧₊˚. wisdom tooth removal ! FUSHIGURO Toji

content warning: mention of bl00d, anesthesia.

genre: fluff.

word count: 475

note: this was so cute and so refreshing to write. thank you for the request cutie!!!! hope you dont mind the small changes that I made!!

༉‧₊˚. reblog + comment!

"Eat."

Normally, Toji's stern voice would elicit a gasp out of you. A pout would make its way to your lips and Toji would have the time of his life poking fun at you for it, calling you a spoiled brat and ruffling your hair in an affectionate manner. The lack of reaction was making his heart break.

"Doll," you hear his voice and it sounds defeated, you look up from your bowl of soup with tears coating your lashes. "You have to eat it."

"I don't like soup..."

"Yes, you do. It's pumpkin soup."

"But...the seeds, they're drowning," under normal circumstances, Toji would say 'what the fuck'. He would then give you the most confused look and go on about his day. But this wasn't normal. And you weren't exactly sober.

You had just gotten your widsom tooth out, and so the anesthesia was still kicking in your system, making you a little too delirious. So your words were jumbled, lacked any sense and you were far more emotional than usual.

"Baby, the seeds aren't drowning because they're not people."

"How could you--" you almost choke on your saliva, your tongue still swollen. "How could you say that about them?"

"What can I say, I like to be political."

"You'll... go to jail for this."

"Jail doesn't scare me, doll." He sits on the chair next to your shared bed, staring at you with a fond expression. He would've never thought that he would find himself in a position where he would be taking care of another person. Not when he thought he needed the help more than anyone else.

Life had been rough to him up until recently--until he met you. A breath of fresh air, the personification of warmth. A second chance at life gifted to him through your soul getting intertwined. You held out your hand to the man from the day you met him, there was no hesitance on your face when you locked eyes with him, flashing him a gentle smile. The glimmer of worry in your eyes when you caught a glimpse of his scar, eyebrows furrowing so cutely that Toji wanted nothing more than to brush his thumb over your forehead to ease the tension there.

You meant a lot more to him than he let on.

A loud sob pulls him out of his train of thoughts, and he panicks when he sees that you were struggling to breathe.

"Hey--hey, hey, breathe or else you'll choke."

"You'll go to jail?" you ask through sobs and Toji has to hold it together as he wipes the blood that trickles down your chin.

"Wha--no? why would I?"

"'cause you killed the seeds!" he chuckles, leaning in to peck your swollen and bloodied lips, your nose then finally your forehead.

"I know a good lawyer."

2024 © all works belong to @slttygeto. do not repost, translate or steal any of my works.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Uhh i request you

<-forgot everything about creepypasta after stopping reading fanfics

Uhhhhhhh

Um

...slenderman uhhhhm meeting reader who is the same.. species? Found family????? Reader being chipper and welcoming?? Artistic and calming?? Basically um. I dunno. They also live in the woods and collect poor souls, helping them cope and detach from this world??????

I am.. stoopid.

Slenderman x slender-person!artistic!reader ! (found family)

dusts out my slenderman hcs as well as my au ideas on him aheehee ahoo speed running this since i just put my first round of macarons into the oven and im too impatient to wait until theyre done baking for me to write this NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT

okay but im getting this idea out of the way before i forget. imagine the reader, instead of doing paintings and stuff for the "artist" thing they make little structures and statues and stuff and have them around in your area. of course theyre all made with forest material; mud, sticks, pinecones, ect ect i dont know, i just love the nature aesthetic with this idea and rrrraaaaaAAAAH

for some reason or another, you make your home in the same woods THE slenderman lives in; or perhaps it was the otherway around? regardless, it doesnt take long for you to become aware of one another....

okay but how funny would it be if you guys bonded over your annoyances over people collecting your stuff. people taking his pages, and people taking your art projects (at least the ones that are portable). like!

though i cannot think of any lore reasons for slendermans pages in my au.... i will one day i promise, i feel like thats too much of an iconic thing to just cut out

it DOES take a long while for slenderman to get used to you, much less foster a friendship with you... but a family bond? i mean yeah sure, hes very reclusive... but thats not just with humans. he doesnt like interacting with other creatures, either

pats your shoulder

my moot

my dear moot, allow me to go on a tangent about my take on slenderman

basic summary is that he and all other demon/most nonhuman creepypasta characters were made by zalgo in my funky au; basically to bring disorder and that kind of shit. but like in a "this is just a part of this universe's nature" way. thus making slenderman himself in my take the be a simple fact of life... thinks.. and he resents his own existence, i think. i mean how cruel is it that he was made to cause issues, in fact he cant live without it (eats people) but he was granted the ability to be able to grasp the complexity of morals and emotion. like thats fucked

i love it

anyways, theres that and him just naturally being reclusive! hell even his supposed "brothers" (splendor and trender, i refuse to touch the third one) hes still.. distant

basically what i mean to say is that you guys probably arent going to be.. outwardly close... if that makes sense. like hes not going to be very affectionate; so dont expect many familial... things... and its not often that he would seek conversation out... though

as i write that, if i recall correctly i did give him the vague craving of connection, and while i usually save that for traditional x reader stuff, i think this would still apply to found family stuff! so actually, i think he WOULD eventually start seeking your company out, just for the fact of having someone else to talk to who doesnt resent his existence the same way he resents his own

sits

given my silly hc i do think he would have some understanding with your relationship with humans/lost souls. would he do it himself? i think it really depends on the situation... like if hes not actively hunting he usually just drives people out of the woods, no sense in wasting.... things... you know?

sits

im all jumbled all over the place my apolocheese im just excited to write for slenderman again

will get annoyed if you snatch away his "meal" since AGAIN, he was cursed to feed on people . like he understands why you did it, and he has mixed feelings around eating human (like not in a "im distressed and i hate it" way more so "its not totally desirable but i cant survive without doing this" way)

sits

i think

im gonna toy around with my slenderman hcs... this ended up being more of a hc dump than a x reader, my apologies

its also that as im typing this i realize how similar my takes on eyeless jack and slenderman are... which is funny because they live in the same woods in my au but they fucking HATE each other

territorial stuff you know

[cannibal-nightmares]

talking in tongues here Language and psychosis is so frustrating, and thats the topic of this post so this is going to be a bit jumbled. I'm going to write and not edit this much

physically Physically, it's very simple: sometimes it feels like it takes immense exertion to move your tongue to speak, to get your vocal chords to make noise. personally, sometimes it feels like the words feel like water spilling out out of your mouth. its exhausting to an extent I can't exactly describe.

internally Internally, it gets more complicated as it also applies to writing and also magical thinking. You have a lot of thoughts. A lot. And some of them dont even feel like your own. I've always described it as... Listening to your own internal ideas in your head, but theyre in a different language, and you have to translate them before saying them out loud. And then sometimes you get the translation wrong. Going back to physically, sometimes this means you stumble on your words and straight up accidentally say the wrong thing (anything from accidentally saying "chair" instead of "stair" because they sound similar, to utter nonsense that has no origin or relation), and sometimes it means mistranslating intention (not in emotionality--though that is an element at play--but in diction) idk if this is making any sense. Like saying "go right" when you were absolutely thinking and intending "go left." I think, similarly, an example is.. I can *barely* speak to my phone assistant. It's *really* difficult* for me to say out loud "Okay, Google, play 'Eternal Blue' by Spiritbox on Spotify," I just CANT get the thoughts in order. it's why I like going off-script. It's kind of faascinatiing when you see this happen in writing, though very time-consuming to catch and fix it all (too bad writing is one of my hobbies haha)

magical thinking here's the most prominent monster, in my opinion. Magical thinking and paranoia is what governs my writing and speech 100% of the time. One-hundred-percent-of-the-time. I know it plays a huge role in my introverted tendencies. it's where.. You say or write something and you think that because you've said it out loud or someone has heard it/read it, something will happen. This can be something so much as "I said the car will crash, so now it most definitely will" to, far more abstract, "I included the word 'granite' in describing something and now because i chose to use that word instead of something else, my food at home will be poisoned" (this is also a tell of OCD, btw).

anyways im making this post this because I think about having this discussion every time i mention things like "the geiger counter." Sometimes alternative wording feels safer to me. in this instance, "geiger counter" refers to "paranoia" or "I'm getting more paranoid." it gags me just to admit to it here. but I hope it paints a picture I know I'm missing some things I wanted to discuss (oof, there's an example, I wanted to use a different word other than "discuss" here), but everything is like static sludge rn. I hope this grants some insight to anyone.

[red-elric]

personally i feel the most important thing to consider when examining aspects is alt callies speech towards the end of the comic about the relationship between aspect pairs. she goes into detail with space and time, and how each one is undefined without the other; how you need both to create REALITY; how in paradox space they are jumbled together but moving through one will help you move through the other, just not always in ways you expect. she also states that every pair of aspects has a relationship like this and tbh that's my biggest evidence against the common 'mind is the pair to heart/life is the pair to doom' interpretation. the connection between the pairs is always what they create when used together; the differences are in what they contribute to that same goal. for space and time: they are connected in that they are fundamental dimensions that together create reality. however, functionally they are opposites: space refers to matter, lifeforms, location, size, STUFF; time refers to order, lifespans, chronology, cause and effect, EVENTS. and i dont think mind/heart and life/doom have those same relationships!! i interpret the pairs as life/heart and mind/doom instead.

life and heart come together to create the concept of a person (any person, really, but they usually work on a single case at a time; very small scale). you need life--the biological body and all that relates to it--to give a person form, but without a soul it is not a person. you need heart--the soul or sense of identity and self--to give a person identity, but without a form it is hard to call that soul a person (explicitly, in homestuck canon. hal is a person created with heart only, and his personhood is constantly called into question until he is given physical form through the sprites. likewise, the sprites themselves--who have SOME form but not a LIVING one--are constantly treated as less important and less real than living people). the body and the identity work together in ways that the identity and the.... choices that identity makes?? simply dont work together. you have a stronger argument for pairing life and doom, but i would say these also overlap in function, even if they are expressed in opposing ways. life and death are not opposites; they are the same thing from a different perspective. combined, they dont create something new; they just... refer to more life and death.

i would also argue that doom isnt as strongly related to death as many seem to think; its a lot less personal than that. the sense of scale to doom is MUCH larger, to the point of it being overwhelming; sollux hears the voices of ALL the soon to be dead around him, mituna inherits doom at great personal risk to save the session from catastrophic danger. likewise, mind seems to have almost nothing to do with choices an individual WOULD make; the way it is presented through terezi is a comprehensive understanding of the EFFECTS of any possible choice someone COULD make. she doesnt use it to see what choices someone else will make; she doesnt see the future. instead, she uses it to help HER choose what course of action she SHOULD take, based on the domino effects she sees. both of these together combine to a much broader concept than the personal applications often attributed to them; together, they create the concept of fate. mind contributes all the potential branches and possibilities, and doom cuts these down to the one that inevitably WILL happen.

[myfairstarlight]

You have truly spoiled me today, gentle author, thank you so much for taking precious time to respond to my ask <3 You have put into words so many thoughts I've been having, jumbling around in my head, and much better than i ever could! I am grateful for you!

I agree with you on all counts, especially Colin's jealousy!! It's rather sad that it had to be relegated to the backburner in order to fit everything else, when them being writers was one of the ways they truly bonded in the book. And that Penelope was old hat and had something to teach him--as an accomplished writer herself-- which paralleled the fact that he could teach her about sexual intimacy, that was nice too.

If I may ramble some in your inbox a little longer, although I admittedly lean more towards enjoying the show than the books (not to say the books aren't also enjoyable, of course, its just a matter of preference), another thing that the books have over the show as a whole, in my humble opinion, is because they are so exclusively focused on their primary couple, we get so much more time and attention on them as both individual characters and a couple--apart, together, in a room full of people, just the two of them, etc.

The shows side plots can be a bit of a double-edged sword in that way. On one hand, it's nice to meet characters and see interactions we didnt have in the books--we got to know Penelope so much earlier as a result, for example, which I liked a lot. But, I feel some show subplots dont always make the most sense or are resolved in such a way that it's kind of like "what was the point?" As a result, we also lose time with our primary love match of the season, literally LOL

Both mediums certainly have their pros and cons, but I guess what I'm getting at overall is I'm so glad we get to have both ha!

Good night and sweet dreams, gentle author, thank you again for your kindness <3

Dearest anon, the pleasure has been mine!

What a lovely message to wake up to, thank you (let's ignore that I'm answering in the afternoon as I type this).

That is the main reason I always try to not compare books and show too much, or you just sign up for disappointment if you only care about the main couple.

I personally like that the show decided to make it an ensemble show, like you said it allowed us to be introduced to Penelope much earlier, and even other characters have already been introduced like Sir Philip who casual viewers won't think much of, but those who read the books get excited as they point to the screen. It allows us to see all the Bridgertons be a family as well, and see them grow and expand, as well as see new relationships the book would never explore (Penelope and Madame Delacroix come to mind, they were a delight this season! Gen is the only woman who understands what it means to have a business and not wanting to let it go, she is the only one who understands Penelope in that regard). Now the downside is that, with only 8 episodes per season, and such a large rooster of characters, there's only so much they can fit without things feeling overwhelming or rushed, and that's an issue all 3 seasons have in my opinion. I do feel like it could be easily fixed by having more episodes per season because it is clear they have a lot to tell, but oh well.

Bridgerton as a show is definitely more of a drama than a truly romance show in my eyes, especially with the way they used Lady Whistledown compared to the books where she did not have as much of a power, and with the addition of Queen Charlotte as a character. S3 challenged that a bit by introducing rom-com elements especially in part 1, but part 2 did show that it thrives with drama and tension as well. But the books are definitely a good addition for those who wish for more content focusing solely on the couples and their struggles. The show is adjacent-enough, but it took a lot of liberties. I suppose it depends on the individual to decide if that is a good or bad thing, personally, I like that it's so different (especially in how it portrays the men, actually, though I would still like to duel Show!Simon), you still get to be surprised, whether you start with the show or the book. I know people have been complaining about the lack of more polin scenes this season, but I fear that is just the standard Bridgerton formula, saphne and kanthony were not spared this issue either, and I fear the other couples will find the same fate. We can still complain though, we definitely did not need so many cuts back to Benedict having a threesome in e8.

Finally dear anon, if you ever wish to continue discussing even more on our mutual love for Colin and Penelope, know that my messages are open <3

[irlbkgs]

💖🎃🧸 for the ask game? with any f/os you wanna talk about !! :]

💖 - what's the nicest compliment they've ever given you? what's the nicest compliment you've ever given them?

adrian: sooo he kind of word vomits all the time which means a lot of his compliments are just like. jumbles of words that don't really make sense. that being said because he does word vomit a lot and he's naturally very affectionate that means there's like. no end to the compliments even if they're really simple or dumb. i think probably the nicest compliment he's given me was probably saying for how often i act stupid im actually not and he appreciates that at least at times i can help him with things he has little to no experience with. even if he's older he's still got things he knows nothing about.

as for nicest compliment ive given him its really hard to say because im not much of the type to compliment, it either makes me feel really shy or like i dont know if the words im using are right so i just Dont. but i def try more with my partners bc ik its unfair to never compliment them, especially in adrian's case bc he does it all the time. i try to give him little ones just on his appearance and stuff but i think the one he probably appreciated most was just me telling him he's fucking fantastic at dnd. like dming or playing a character, he's great at roleplaying and voices and coming up with things to move the plot along and memorizing actions and spells etc etc. im fucking dogshit at all of it so its like watching the grandmaster of nerd shit do his thing and not break a sweat. very cute but also very impressive.

daryl: now for daryl, we're both on the same page with compliments. he doesn't know how to choose the right words and he isnt very good with emotional stuff so his compliments mostly consist of "you look pretty" if i dress up or "good job" whenever that's applicable. one of the compliments that he's given me that rly stuck out tho was literally just him appreciating me being patient with him bc i wouldn't consider myself a patient person in general but when it comes to emotional stuff i try to give him as much grace as possible bc i also want some myself. we're both super stunted in that department so i try to be lenient lol

nicest compliment ive given him is probably in a similar vein, ive thanked him at least a couple times for taking care of me bc he really doesnt have to but its something that really feels special to me bc i cant remember the last time ive had somebody actually do that for me. actions speak louder than words for me as well so simple shit like letting me get extra rest, cooking and cleaning up make me just as happy as a compliment.

🎃 - have you guys ever carved pumpkins together? do you visit a pumpkin patch, or buy one from the store? or maybe you grew it? what would your pumpkins look like?

adding billy to this one bc its halloween stuff lul

billy: obviously he's a big halloween guy but funnily enough i wasnt allowed to celebrate halloween growing up for religious reasons so stuff like carving pumpkins feels special but also very tedious to me bc there's zero nostalgia and i dont think billy would care much for that specific tradition either. i might drag him out to the patch to pick out some pumpkins for decoration but carving isnt likely to happen. apple picking however...he complains but he helps bc if he doesnt he gets no pie :>

if we did carve, his design would be way more detailed and better looking than mine. itd be like contest worthy. id just do one of those store bought designs and somehow butcher it anyways.

adrian: he is big on carving pumpkins!! but bad at it!! just as bad as me so its a lot of throwing guts at each other and then ruining our pumpkins so bad we cant even display them. we'd roast the seeds for a snack tho :3

daryl: we would not be doing allat but we would (if we could) watch some movies. im thinking alexandria era us would involve a lot of picking up any movies we find on runs and just watching anything we have, even if it has nothing to do with halloween. if we did have halloween movies, daryl would fucking haaaate my picks but deal with it bc he looooves me and id hate his too so its okay. he's def more of a serious horror fan whereas i like horror comedy.

🧸 - it's valentine's day! what stereotypical valentine's day gift does your f/o give you? a box of chocolates, perhaps a stuffed animal?

billy: at best, jewelry, maybe some plain little silver chain with his initial (possessive much?) but besides that i think he wouldn't go with a classic gift. he'd get movies, merch, knives, but roses? stuffies? god no. and i don't even like chocolate so that's def out of the question.

adrian: flowers for sureeee and possibly a stuffie if he was feeling extra. he'd get flowers with my favorite colors (pink and green) but he'd make sure they didn't mean anything bad before he got em bc he's slightly superstitious. stuffie would be of the hello kitty or skelanimals variety.

daryl: also probably wouldn't do a classic gift, but is again partial to jewelry. it would be nothing fancy, just a bracelet, but it would be handmade which would make it way more special. he'd get help from carol who probably learned to do stuff like that with sofia.

[syscultureis]

in response to pluralcultureis/733695785563209728/plural-culture-is-preferring-to-just-say-ime-even this anon We tend to struggle with this as well but usually end up breaking it down like "I identify this memory as me/mine even if it wasnt me who lived threw it" or "I dont see this as me but I see it in first person as if it was me because I lived threw it/I just hold this memory" We split and merge a lot and so have taken on a big "take what resonates and leave the rest" mentality to cope with this very issue. Its hard to identify with bodily history when the hole point of this disorder is to dissociate from it. Often we have many people who hold memories they dont identify with and then you have the ones who are closer to the host in memory and personhood and so the issue of "childhood" and "family" and all that gets so jumbled. Its odd to say "Well I didnt TECHNICLLY have a childhood but I feel like I did" or "I have the memories of one" In practice it ends up making us sound silly "I remember when-Oh well...I didnt- But when we we younger..." or "I remember saying that-I wasnt me, as in who I am now but I remember that and I identify with that being me now!" But our friends understand it and I think it makes sense all things considered. Just finding what works for you is all anyone can ask for I reckon. Your not any less real for not using "we" 24/7 or saying "I" if that just so happenes to feel right in the moment and often, I find at least, thinking more on why is it that this feel like an "I" moment rather then a "we" and less on did me saying I just now mean im faking is FAR more helpful to your healing and growth and a much more productive question to ask yourself. Also keeping in mind it dosnt have to mean anything at all (just sometimes it dose, like it usually dose for us but every brain and therefore every system is deferent!)

.

[goodfully]

okay ive never used tumblr before so i dont really know how posts are typically formatted, however, i do just want to use this mainly to word vomit so! jumbled messy thoughts on brothers karamazov, books five and six:

ive only read up until here so far, but im pretty sure that this is my favorite part of the entire book. the contrast is so insane, i adore dostoevsky. book five was so dense with heavy cynicism and doubt and followed book six being so reassuring and calm. part of me wishes that i was able to read both parts immediately after the other hahaha i also think that anyone that wants to read the brothers karamazov but does not want to read the brick of a book it is, they should read books five and six! just the chapters focused on ivans and zosimas perspective of faith, i mean.

i think that the idea that “the world is so evil, there is no way a benevolent god could have created it” is probably one of the main reasons ive been so unwilling to believe that there is a god, and its one of the main things that ivan was explaining to alyosha in book five. its so hard to accept that any amount of suffering is going to be worth whatever this all is. and yet… my goodness. humanity needs god? whether it is god that created humankind or humankind inventing god out of necessity… and just like ivan, i think ive always believed that believing in god would heal me somehow, that ill finally understand how to be alive as a human being when i do... the need to know what it was all for!

also the sticky little leaves part that ivan said!!! “i want to live, and i do live, even if it be against logic, tho i do not believe in the order of things, still the sticky little leaves that come out in the spring are dear to me, the blue sky is dear to me, whom one loves sometimes, would you believe it, without even knowing why” real real real. and ahh, alyosha responded something like how you can only understand lifes meaning after you love life (before logic)… which makes sense but yk, i always thought it was the opposite, that i had to understand lifes meaning in order to love life and be happy, but it was a very hopeless and sad conclusion. so this made me feel better honestly.

agh… and the whole “grand inquisitor” poem was so dark and insane, it tore me to shreds. i actually dont know what to say, except maybe now i understand why its the most famous chapter in the book.

i adore ivan and i adore alyosha and i adore their relationship. the way they speak to each other with love and respect for the other, even tho they believe in totally opposite things. im not sure about alyosha bc ivan was doing most of the talking, but my impression is that they were searching for answers from the other, they really do love each other. “tho im terribly fond of one russian boy named alyosha” sobs. “i thought, brother, that when i left here id have you, at least, in all the world” cries. “so alyosha, if indeed i hold out for the sticky little leaves, i shall love them only remembering you. its enough for me that you are here somewhere, and i shall not stop wanting to live. is that enough for you? if you wish, you can take it as a declaration of love” weeps.

okay about the zosima chapters… the thing is that even tho i have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding faith, i am not a religious person, so i do wonder how someone who is christian would feel reading this book. for me tho… reading these chapters somehow made me feel the closest to having faith in anything ever hahaha… i dont think i care more about “gods truth” or anything, but just… i think ive been isolating myself way too much and thinking that everything must be done and figure out how to experience the fullness of life by me alone. and then zosima hits me with a “everywhere now the human mind has begun laughably not to understand that a mans true security lies not in his own solitary effort, but in the general wholeness of humanity.” and i believe that, i do! esp with how much individualism and capitalism stinks up this place. but i forget when it comes to myself i think…

i think my favorite sections from the zosima chapters are the ones about praying, loving, and judging others. uhm i dont pray, altho i think its mainly due to the fact that i do not know how to pray, and its not like zosima explains what praying is like exactly… but his words make me think that its just a very personal thing..? ahh anyway, the lines about love love love. “love man also in his sin, for this likeness of gods love is the height of love on earth” and “if you love each thing, you will perceive the mystery of god in things. once you have perceived it, you will begin tirelessly to perceive more and more of it every day. and you will come at last to love the whole world with an entire, universal love”… lives in my mind constantly now, its crazy its crazy i dont understand why his words mean so much to me. dostoevsky gets me, he really does.

ofc theres so many good lines from zosima, and this one probably isnt that great of a line compared to the many others, but to me at least, i started crying here hahaha it was pretty much at the very end of book six: “but woe to those who have destroyed themselves on earth, woe to the suicides! i think there can be no one unhappier than they. we are told that it is a sin to pray to god for them, and outwardly the church rejects them, as it were, but in the secret of my soul i think that one may pray for them as well. christ will not be angered by love. within myself, all my life, i have prayed for them, i confess it to you, fathers and teachers, and still pray every day.” ahh!!! im not even religious, and tbh ive not felt much when someone tells me they have prayed for me, but… maybe its bc i hate how mentally ill i am and hate how much i self sabotage and destroy myself, but some fictional monastery elder saying that he prays for and loves someone like me??? i cried real tears.

im probably being very dramatic, but after reading the zosima chapters esp towards the end of book six, i felt… so much love? i felt so loved. and yet also somehow guilt for not loving the world enough and not believing in mankind enough. i have to accept the world and of humanity and of myself, and i must love, oh how i must always love! zosimas such unconditional and undifferentiated love is so important to me, i dont know what to do… i think that reading this book has done more for me (regarding faith in the world and everything) than anything else has hahaha. it feels so silly bc im not even halfway done with the book yet and i already feel that this is the most important book ive ever read. its also funny bc you read the little paragraph on the back of the book and the first sentence describing the book is that this is a murder mystery (the actual murder hasnt even happened yet!) hahaha i love this book truly truly.

[schizopositivity]

just sending this in because honestly i need someone to drop the mask to and just let out my thought processes as they happen with out trying to shape it up all pretty and present to someone neurotypical mind . you know?

it's like, i had to write a little letter to my professor about accomodations or somethingorwhatever. because my disorganized thinking is really bad right now and it's super hard to actually work in his class. brainthoughts are like we should look up the symptoms so we can better describe them and it's like..the same description that barely makes any sense to me lol. occassionally i find gems that get me perfectly like "feeling as though your brain is scrambled or fragmented and filled with pieces of conversations, music, and odd noises, etc"

it's just...why is this particular part so misunderstood. barely ever elaborated on. or explored. and so hard to find any in depth info that goes beyond the same repeated "Speech may be hard to make out and thinking disorganized." The symptom is called disorganized thinking!!! that's like going "symptom: hallucination. its when you hallucinate" no shit

sometimes i think it might be easier to find out what neurotypicals thought processes are like and then compare and contrast that to my personal experience tbh

i agree that there should be more info on disorganized thinking but i also see how that would be hard to describe cause it can show itself in so many different ways. if it helps i can give some examples of thoughts i experience that i think are disorganized:

•having a clear train of thought and then it just stops and i forgot what i was just thinking about

•being confused in general because i feel like things are going fast and i dont understand it

•a random phrase i heard or part of a song repeating in my head over and over so loud i cant think of anything else when i try

•someone asking me a question and me taking a long time to process it and answer because i feel like i have to concintrate very hard to understand the words and what they mean put together

•thoughts racing so fast i cant understand them as i think them so it feels like im thinking in gibberish

•thoughts being so slow that i get frustrated

•thinking several things at once all in an unclear jumble to the point where i cant talk

•trying to think about something but i cant cause it gets overshadowed by louder thoughts (usually random memories, trauma flashbacks or intrusive thoughts)

theres probably more but funny enough im having trouble thinking of them lol

[gibbearish]

Hello kind stranger, i just took your quiz. honestly not sure why. i am seeking an answer to the same question over and over but the hoax is i already knew the answer from the start. really, i'm seeking clarity; i always am. nothing is ever clear enough for me. the sun in the sky is not enough indicator of a sunny day. etc. etc. one thing for me that continues to be difficult is the future. i'm certain that i am trans right now, but if i try to picture myself like 40 years in the future it breaks my brain. i still see a woman if i picture anything at all. it's so frustrating and i just don't get it. do you have advice for overcoming this? what could it mean? sorry if this is jumbled and absolutely insane. but if you have insight i'd be enchanted to hear.

urs, anon

think about it this way, when you were a kid did the future you imagined look like the one youre in right now? right now you live in the universe where youre not doing anything about this, it makes sense that when you try to envision the future your brain still spits out Future Where You Haven't Done Anything. albeit i may not be a great person to ask for help w this because i dont really have a vision of myself/my future but i mean. just because you can't imagine a world where you go for it doesnt mean that world is impossible. and yeah i wont lie to you theres always a chance transition wont do a lot for you, there are trans people who will never pass and you could potentially be one of them. it makes making decisions on this hard because you get stuck in that rut of "what if i go through all this effort to be the person i want to be and it doesnt work," i for sure get that. the question then becomes are you willing to risk how happy you could be if it /does/ go well on the chance it might not? and even if it doesnt, would having some changes be better than none? i was really scared of the same thing when i started and i essentially decided even if the rest of the world isnt going to see me the way i want, if i do nothing theyre gonna do that anyways, so i might as well modify my body a bit to make me more comfortable. modt likely you still see a woman when you try to think ahead for the same reason when a trans person first comes out they sometimes misgender themselves, its how youre used to seeing and presenting yourself and theres always an adjustment period no matter how certain you are. it updates based on what you do, so don't base what you do off of the fact it hasn't updated yet

[sereniv]

All this, but for me its not about not feeling relief or pride over finishing a task, its that i cant USE that relief or pride

i know ill feel better if i clean my room, itll feel nice, itll feel more open, there will be many benifits including A (type of) sense of accomplishment.

And though i know this and i can almost taste it, its like my body and mind dont know what to do with that information

I see it, i want it, but how do i get it?

And I say 'a type of sense of accomplishment' because I will feel relief that my room is clean, but my brain doesnt connect it to MY reward system

Soni feel relief and pride to a sense but its detatched from me. The pride is in the moment, stand alone, disconnected, as if ive forgotten what lead up to this pride

Same with relief, so in the end my brain sees the tasks i need to do, sees the relief, wants it, but doesnt know how to get it

and eventually, when i do get it, my brain forgets how we even got here

so in the future its the same game. theres no improvement. Just walking on clothes, feeling stressed about it, knowing that it would feel good to have it all clean and craving that feeling, yet not able to do anything about it. And thats all if i can get my brain to focus on that specific thing.

My brain can feel so jumbled up that its like shutting a monitor off. im awake, but literally nothing going on in my brain. at that point i have to just move on. Im staring at my messy room, and cant even understand how i can form a thought of what i want.

Like im actively forgetting what im looking at, and cant even be aware that im forgetting what im looking at. kind of like zoning out

though its not all hopeless, for me i like to talk to myself as a seperate person. out loud. (whenever im able to have A Thought) it feels embarassing but, actually talk as if im talking to someone else, and respond after legitimately thinking. Not only that, but talk to myself like im a scared, stressed child.

And this all banks on my taking advantage of anytime my mind actually has the thought "ugh my room is so dirty" i have to be expecting that, i have to constantly be waiting for that thought so i can catch it and stop myself physically in my tracks. Say out loud what i said, repeat it until i understand exactly what im saying.

Then i can start asking myself questions, out loud, actually thinking about what im saying. like a real conversation.

example:

"Your room is messy"

"yes"

"why dont we clean it?"

"i cant"

"Why? what are you feeling?

"scared"

"You are scared, are you overwhelmed?"

"Yes"

"Why dont we pick up 1 item. Look around the room and take your time and find one item no matter how small. How about that wrapper?"

"I cant move"

"Move your fingers. Now move your toes. Now your arms. Remember, its okay if we put this off until later"

"I pick up the wrapper"

"Yes pick up the wrapper and put it in the trash. the trash is right next to the bathroom. Turn your head and you will see. Maybe count how many steps it takes. You will need to bend your knees first, and move your legs to walk to the trash"

---

This can help a lot, with being able to not only be kind to yourself, letting yourself feel safe enough to express your concerns or what youre feeling, but also help paint a picture of what you have to do, actualizing it in your head

I had months of not cleaning my room, i did this and ended up cleaning and rearanging it in a few days to the point there was literally nothing left to do

all because i was kind, i listened, i understood, and i also told myself that its okay for my room to be messy. that happens. and one more day or one more week isnt going to be any worse than where i was a month ago.

And sometimes it goes like

"I have to do the dishes..... the dishes. the dishes. go to the kitchen. food. kitchen where food is made. im in the kitchen. dishes. the dishes in the sink. only plates. one plate."

its like trying to push two of the same magnet together.

Also listening to music and smoking weed helps a lot but not always

adhd is so embarrassing ur basically like “I have to have fun right the fuck now or I’m throwing myself off the roof” 90% of the time and you also have very little control over this

[bluebellswood]

Preludes

1. West Prelude (West + East)

Location of Festival: City of Wealth, Heavenly Imperial Palace?

Akira and Chloe being worried while Shylock Murr and Rustica.. if u lived that long nothing worries u much anymore HAHHAHA

Chloe is so gonna get bald from stress from these grandpas

Rustica losing sense of time even tho he's a mid range wizard age afdsnjfdg NO im surprised he even remembered that since his memory us like a goldfish

When Antonio said Akira had no charms and the Eastern wizard all went huh together.. they so cute.. thanku for getting angry on Akira's behalf uuuueu piennn

I like the display where Shino Faust and Nero responded to the situation and what they should have done

>Shino? Getting rid of humans. Eastern

>Faust? Being prepared and leading. Central

>Nero? Getting someone stronger to deal with it since the weaker ones have no power. Northern

Old Murr stubborn. Doesnt want to cooperate bc he wants to continue his research on gambling

Old MurrShy. What else do I have to say

Shylock betting his bar and current Murr losing the gamble...

Old Murr gave up and

WHY? BC SHYLOCK'S BAR IS IMPORTANT TO HIM... his favourite... he cant lose it

oh god it hits so different after second anni... knowing that it is where he turns to where he hits rock bottom.. when he has no one else, when he has nowhere else to go to.......... shylock and his bar is murr's constant..........................................

2. Central Prelude (Central + South)

Location of Festival: Mesa, cursed ancient city. Oz (+figgy) destroyed the place... spirit cursing them (tbf the city hunts wizard so I think its only far. karma)

Owen's eyeball protected Cain <3

Moment of danger and Arthur remembered his childhood with Oz... god..... when Oz said he prayed for

Wizard king, the Devil, the strongest Wizard, he has all the power in the world and he stilled prayed for Arthur's happiness and health because its something he cant control even if he wants to grant Arthur it--- wants to prevent Arthur from suffering and going through hardship.... that is all he wanted from the world.

also oh my god Oz being scared of Arthur dying before him....

Oz sounded so urg i dont know whats the word. desperate? so like urggjdfgndgdngslkdg

FUDGE MITHRA LIZARD TELLING MITILE TO RUN AWAY AND GOING NOPENOPENOPE IS SO FUNNY man aint dealing with this shit TT

Lennox telling Figaro he's a better person than Figaro the funniest shit ever. Yes, tell him what he deserved.

But I rlly like Lennox's words. Even if Figaro and Oz are Northern wizards at the core, their nature does change.. people's nature change but they're still them at the core (what am i cooking)

Oz found Arthur and starts to appreciate peace and whatnot

Figaro being protective for the Mitile and Rutile...... (tbh i cant say much on this part bc while he is protective he is also. scratches head. figgy things)

Login Story, AJSDJDAJ SNABAKA AGAIN.

Futago sensei: we lack something

Owen: Cream. I could eat more cream.

Futago sensei: NO. we lack teamwork. locking everyone up till u compliment each other

Sanbaka: lets fight them so we can get out of the room. its better than complimenting each other (thats a form of teamwork... i guess....)

OK BUT THE EAST ONE SO WARMING... FAUST SENSEIIIII... ordering everyone to rest bc he knows Shino and the like will push themselves bc they dont know their limit yet ueueueu looking out for everyone... sensei ever...

2. East Prelude (East+ North)

oh i think it’s been a few weeks since i reread so my thoughts are all jumbled up now but East Prelude is indeed my favourite

[hellawut]

Dear Ashley

This seems kind of dumb, writing you this letter. The odds of me ever actually sending it are slim to none but maybe, hopefully it would help me get all these thoughts out. This is going to be a shit show, a jumbled mess of questions, rage, hurt, venting, anything i feel  because fuck its been almost 30 years. I have so many questions, more than i can remember truly. I know though that no matter the answer you give me, it wont be enough, it will never be enough. Because what could have been more important than your family, your life, me…. It took me so fucking long to accept it wasnt me, that it wasnt my fault. That there was nothing i could have done because i dont even remember you leaving. To me, for me, Ive never known what it was like to have a mom. I wish i could remember something, a memory of you holding me, rocking me to sleep. Any kind of memory would be a welcome ache, something to make sense of this feeling ive had in my chest my whole life. I am who I am because of you; JB & HC were right ya know. I did just give myself to the first person who showed me attention because at least even if for a night, they wanted me. Even if it was fake, they made me feel wanted, they made it known that in that moment they were choosing me. Which is more than I could ever say for you; could say the same about JB but he chose me a lot, even if only to throw it in my face later. 

[m3lonchaly]

I've always wondered what it was like for those who lost their shadows. It's a rare occurence, one nobody quite understands. It is also extremely lethal.

This is the thought that encompassed my mind, as I stared with blank eyes at what lay before me; Or moreso, what no longer lay before me, as where my shadow once rested, only a bare wall sat. I might as well have been shining a light directly on it, as there wasn't even an indication of a slight groove or dent, anything to tell me even texture hadn't gone missing.

'Could all shadows have been lost?' The thought struck my mind, as if lucidity was just endowed upon me with the sharpest fear. Swiveling around with enough velocity to almost knock me to the ground, I focus my eyes on my surroundings and slowly blink as the shadows of everything around me settle into place.

After realizing the error in this thought, I start to wonder if this is the beginning of insanity. It's only a matter of time after your shadow leaves you. Without darkness, the light can only grow. Near the beginning, this seems wonderful; colors are more saturated, you can see the music dancing in the air, and nothing can hurt you. This is only one of the phases, however, one of four, ending in an entire shift of reality.

Nobody outside of those who have experienced this can really understand what happens during this phase. From an outside perspective, all senses are lost or jumbled, leaving no room for communication. The most terrifying part are their faces, twisting and contorting until being stuck in a perpetual look of fear. The whites of their eyes are so visible, a gentle push could send their eyeball rolling out if its socket. I've seen this before, once in person and countless times in my nightmares. The speed of progression to this stage varies, yet all end in agonizing pain. Screams can be heard from outside the facilities attempting to help these individuals, until death finally brings sweet relief.

It's too early for insanity to be setting in, I tell myself, There's time.

Others see those who lose their shadows as ill, but I've known the truth for much longer. It isn't a sickness, it's a deliberate attack, tearing a soul apart in an attempt to make a new one. Why my shadow would choose to leave me is beyond my comprehension. In fact, why anyone's has left them is beyond any human comprehension. But I do know if it's left me, it is somewhere, and if it is somewhere, it can be found. And this is where I start.

I dont expect this trip to be quick, so after packing some essentials, I wait until the protection of night. If I want to avoid being hospitalized, I can't let anyone see that my shadow is missing. This will prove harder to find it, but for now, this is my only choice.

In this world, shadows aren’t simply an absence of light, but living entities with minds of their own. They can choose to follow or desert their owners, leading to unforeseen circumstances. Today, for the first time ever, you wake up to find your shadow gone.

[laur-rants]

seeing your markiposting for ISWM has finally given me that kick to go binge the other series as well and I'm VERY EXCITED, BUT! is there a certain order to watch them in, are there any guides for how to proceed through them (if that makes sense)?

Hi! I would love to! I'm taking a break from work to eat some dinner, so I thought I would sit down and see if I can't help you out the best I can. I took myself through all of Mark's creative ventures on my own, and successfully took a friend through too, in a way that I think makes everything best make sense. Now there's a couple of ways to go about it that I can give you: there's the chronological order of events, and also what I call the 'Lore Route' which is to say, this is the best way to watch everything and have it more easily click mentally.

NOTE: Just as an aside before we start, you CAN start with Space, right now, if you want to. It's not really directly linked to anything .... at this time. Anyone can enjoy Space, and they should! It's really great! But I think to get the full effect of not only Mark's characters, but how far he has come as a creator in his own right, the other endeavors should be appreciated first.

And if you do choose to watch all the stuff below first, TAKE YOUR TIME. You have plenty of time. Space part 2 doesn't release until May 2nd. So if anything is long, take a break! come back to it. No need to consume it in a day, you got time, baby.

ANYWAY!

Here's my preferred method of watching (pertinent to Space) Markiplier's Cinematic Universe:

-A Date with Markiplier (12 endings) -- I have people start with this because it gives you a taste of what Mark... does. This was his first foray into the first person interactive experience, where the Viewer is, actually, a character and a starring role in his stories. It shows where he's been, and how far he's come since then. It's also just, silly and fun and a little spooky. It's very Mark. It's a good thing to dip the toes into.

OR

-A Heist with Markiplier (31 endings, not all are important, but they are fun and there are plenty of guides out there) -- Heist is a LOT of fun. It's what I watched first and it actually plummetted me down the pipeline because I was like 'WOW! Mark has all this thought out really well! And what is that referencing? And this? I want to know' and wow I really learned! Heist was, at the time, Mark's Magnum Opus (I think Space is actually that now). It's really well made, he's very proud of it, and through dedicated tracking of routes, I finished it in about a day. I would tell someone to take their time, and back track slowly, and you'll find the endings that are important. Also a tried true clue in any of his interactives is to look at the video length. and choose that way haha. But yeah! Good luck~

-Who Killed Markiplier 1-4 -- THIS IS WHERE IT ALL ACTUALLY BEGINS. All the story, all the characters... even yours! Who Killed Markiplier is older, and I dont think Mark had perfected his story-telling skills at the time, so things at the end may be a bit jumbled. It's okay. Typically look no further than the youtube comments on the 4th vid. Or ask me! I know it pretty well whats going on by this point, I can steer folks in the right direction. The point is, the community has had years to piece it together, so its mostly all sorted out.

-Wilford 'MotherLoving' Warfstache -- Direct follow-up to Who Killed Markiplier, and is conveniently in the WKM playlist. This is personally one of my favorite things Mark has ever done; I rewatch it on occasion for inspiration. Also the acting is just... chef's kiss. Phenomenal. Definitely worth it, if only for Mick Lauer and feels.

-Damien -- This is an animated piece that Mark got a game studio to help him with! It also takes place right after WKM, and around the same 'time' as Wilford Motherloving Warfstache. It covers his character Damien, who I personally have a very very large soft spot for. You could even say he's my favorite. uwu

-The Warfstache Automated Interview Automaton -- This is a very short interactive dealing with Warfstache creating an automaton to conduct his interviews with, because he cant' be everywhere at once. My biggest advice; just pick the longer videos until you get to the end, otherwise the only other option is death. At the end, choose either ending you prefer. It's here because it's feelsy.

[Some fun extras that arent required also include]

-Warfstache Interviews Markiplier

-Markiplier TV

-Wilford 'MOTHERLOVING' Warfstache FULL BREAKDOWN

-WHY KILLED MARKIPLIER? (Damien animated short explained)

And I think that's everything.

NOW. IF YOU WANNA DO IT CHRONOLOGICALLY...

That's a little more convoluted because in Mark's universe time is.... weird? And things sometimes happen simultaneously, or in the future, or in the past, or the past is happening during the future... basically time is meaningless.... sometimes. Here is what I think is the best guesstimation of the chronological order of things.

1. Who Killed Markiplier

2. Wilford 'Motherloving' Warfstache

3. Damien

4. Markiplier TV (yes this is real i swear)

5. The WAIA

6. A Heist with Markiplier

7. A Date with Markiplier

AND THAT'S IT!!!

I personally don't recommend the 'chronological' route because everything is kind of confusing that way, but it's there if you wanna do it! I just think Mark's work is best enjoyed from both a story perspective and a creative one, so my route seems to be the best for both worlds. Sometimes, things are not meant to be seen chronologically (and i dont think Mark's stuff is), but people like being chronological so for you guys out there, THERE YOU GO.

I personally, as a creator the same age as Mark, I have a lot of respect for the work he does, and what he chooses to do with his time, his money, and has surrounded himself with a solid team who goes along with his crazy ideas and in doing so, they are making something insanely great. Obviously feel free to enjoy his silly gaming or review videos or whatever else he puts out, but his creative projects should 100% in my opinion not be overlooked, because it's him bringing his stories to life and doing what he actually is passionate about and cares about, and he then offers these ambitious creations to everyone ~*~FOR FREEEE~*~. Which is more than a lot of people can say these days and more than we deserve.

Anyway that's enough of that. Enjoy the videos, have fun, and if you have any questions let me knoooow~! I'll..... do my best to answer, haha, but honestly there are fans out there way more well-read than I am. I think.