#i dont know what my next option is everything hurts and i want it all to stop i just want everything to stop

[reallyromealone]

Back to you part 2

Angst, omegaverse, male reader

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

(name) just stared at the blond man holding him close, this is what he wanted for years.

Its what he dreamt of.

But more than anything?

He was absolutely filled with a rage he didn't think was possible.

"Shit--" Mikey was pushed away from him as an angry omega glared at him "I lost my baby because of you" (name) spat out, body shaking not from fear but from everything Mikey's actions had put him through emotionally and physically. "(Name) it was for--" "I dont give a FUCK what it was about, all I know is one day my mate is there and the next hes dead! I HELD A FUNERAL FOR ALL OF YOU! I LOST MY BROTHERS! I THOUGHT MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAD DIED!" (Name) screamed as he pushed mikey back, the Alpha letting him do this because... He knew be deserved this.

"You promised Manjiro" (name) had fat tears rolling down his face "I was holding your grandfather's hand as he passed, did you know that? While you were off doing god knows what? Instead of seeing his last living grandchild he saw the broken grandchilds mate who he abandoned" (name)s voice was venemous as he looked at mikey dead in the eyes. "Those closest to my heart faked their deaths and abandoned me" (name) was now laughing and Mikey never felt fear in a long time but for once?

He was terrified.

(Name)s face went serious as he stormed out and into what seemed to be a lounge "(name), its a pleasure to see you again" Ran said calmly, assuming the poor heartbroken omega would run into his alphas arms.

But he was dead wrong.

"Get the fuck away from me before I burn this god forsaken building to the ground" (name) said coldly as they looked to see Mikey looking disheveled but not in a post sex way, in a he got his ass beat way.

"(Name) we can explain" Kakucho tried to appease the half-feral omega who wanted nothing more tham to beat the ever living shit out of them "I dont need one" (name)s tone was cold "You guys wanted to play crime lord without an omega keeping the boss weak" (name) said simply, it was obvious despite his rage "you guys killed his heir by the way also this piss idea made him look like absolute shit"

"Watch --" Sanzu was cut off with a harsh glare "watch what Haruchiyo? Watch the fact my loved ones live their happiest lives as i deal with the loss of literally my entire family? The child I was going to tell my Mate about when he was supposed to get home? Only to find out he died with everyone else and THEN after years find out oh look theyre alive and living the life of luxury" (name) gave a cold cruel laugh "elaborate to me, what should I be watching?"

They remember how (name) was before they left, sweet and always deverted to Mikey no matter what.

This?

This was a stranger.

A changed person.

A person hurt beyond repair.

"I spent my life mourning a fucking lie" (name) said almost methodically.

"I wasted my life mourning a man who clearly didnt love me"

"I did love you" Mikey was forceful as he grabbed his mates shoulders and looked at him with a desperate expression, the face of a man who wasnt ready to lose his mate "dont you love me?"

"I always loved you" (name)s voice was empty "but I also know betrayal, you betrayed me... You all did"

"And didn't you teach me never negotiate with traitors?"

The room halted as mikey looked at him horrified "you cant leave " Mikey said almost begging "what like how you left me? At least im giving you a warning" (name) fired back and tried to escape mikeys hold but the alpha held him tight.

"Please..." He begged and (name) was cold.

"Where was my chance to plead for you to stay? Why do you always get the options?" (Name) snapped as he started struggling to get out of his hold, it seemed after all these years mikey got stronger somehow.

(Name)s inner Omega pleaded with him to accept their alpha but (name) absolutely refused.

What mikey did was beyond exuse.

(Name)s body went limp as he spoke "after this, I dont think I can look at you guys... At least for a very long time..."

The room was filled with so many negative emotions, it was almost suffocating.

(Name) eventually broke free and wandered to the elevator, the guards looking at Mikey for what to do and the alpha rushed to hold (name) "p-please..."

"Keeping me here wont fix things"

"Please let me fix this...please"

[aihaitahm]

Hello! I saw ur request for well requests. So If this concept helps. I’d like to see your take on Jing Yuan/ Sampo Koski/ Blade and maybe Gepard on when the reader as their s/o is maybe like ambushed by an enemy and how they comfort the reader after it or nurse them back to health (it may be a lil angsty but I’d like to see your take)

gn! reader being extremely injured and how they react

characters: jing yuan, blade, gepard

im sorry idrk sampo and didnt write him though i hope you like it! :((

jing yuan

you and jing yuan were fighting jingliu after she caused a catastrophe within xianzhou luofu after being possessed by mara.

jing yuan kept insisting for you to back out and evacuate but you were stubborn and did not listen to him which lead to you taking a lethal attack from jingliu. thankfully you survived and jing yuan carried you right away after he defeated his former master.

worried about your state, he holds you tightly enough but not so much to hurt you, bringing you to get aid and to rest. poor him he is super worried, he felt a bit emotional but kept his nonchalant calm face on.

seeing you lay and rest up while he voluntarily takes care of you despite him also having injuries. yanqing tells his master he should also rest and that he can take care of you. yanqing tried his best to comfort him and force him to also heal up.

the next day, the general was eager to know if you were awake and okay. going into your assigned room, he was very happy to see you awake though that does not stop him from scolding you.

“(name) i am happy that you are with me my beloved however please listen next time when i say to back out. i am very worried about you and mimi was looking for you last night. i do not want to hear you insist and you will follow what i say. your life is important to me, do you understand?”

blade

you always like to accompany blade whenever he is out on missions. after all, supporting your boyfriend and boosting him will help him finish the mission faster while you also do great damage to enemies. then afterwards you aid him and then he gives you his affection and everything you ask for.

however fighting this boss made it to be difficult. you were already hit couple times and this boss and its minions kept targeting you.

this made blade extremely rage and tried to eliminate every enemy all at once though that wasnt enough to destroy all of them.

the only option left was to run. blade then carried you and escaped. even though blade was hurt, he didnt care as long as it wasnt you. hearing you cry how painful your injuries were made him a different type of anger. he is so sure he will defeat those little shits into pieces.

returning to the stellarons’ hideout to get you aided by the healers there, he is very impatient because they took it too slow for his liking. he then decided to bandage you on his own and bring you to them later. people knew how irritable he was however this was something else and just terrifying that they will just step away from him.

surprisingly he is super gentle and would make you drink pain relievers as you let him care for you. he scolds you as you slowly were feeling better but you just knew he was worried.

“tsk i dont fucking care if we failed the mission but next time, i will do some missions on my own. shit maybe most of it just so i know you are safe. i do not want you to… almost die. i would not be able to bear with the guilt and grief. you are my only one and i need you to stay alive.”

gepard

being the captain of the silvermane guards, he is inclined to always protect you. he would fight with you hand in hand and he would shield you from anything.

he trusts you and he knows you can fight as well as him. maybe even better. he would make you train the silvermane guards and you do a great job with it.

silvermane guards praise you for your strength and how lucky gepard is to have a partner like you. gepard is proud of you and is thankful for things that you do for them.

until one afternoon, you decided to accept a commission to defeat a bunch of monsters lurking by the city. without gepard’s knowledge about it, he was just surprised when one of the guards was carrying your body and you writhing in pain.

would be super anxious and emotional, holding your hand tight while you were being healed. even though the doctors were telling him to step out but he insisted and stayed. serval eventually had to tell her brother he has to step out in order for the doctors to fully pay attention to you. she comforted him, telling him you will be okay since you are so strong.

when he was finally allowed to see you, he was relieved and happy that you are alive. he then tells you to tell him about your commissions before going.

“my dear… im so glad you are alive and healthy. please be careful. please tell me about your commissions before you head out and make sure you know what type of monsters youre fighting. please… just be safe and bring me along with you.”

[fatal-blow]

hi! im wondering if you know how to relax your muscles, i can’t seem to do it by laying down and i don’t think they do it on their own. ive googled this a few times and it said breathe pretty much and that didn’t work out for me. you’re so cool and make me want to go into medicine thank you!

REALLY GOOD QUESTION because relaxation doesnt come naturally to everyone! just like basically everything else, though, its a skill, and you can build it up

so operating under the assumption that you, like me, have chronic tension, you might not even be sure what relaxation feels like. you might not even realize that you dont know what it feels like!!

so first thing id recommend are tense and release exercises. the one that i used (on an app i cant remember the name of) the instructor guides you through tensing and relaxing the body in sections, starting in the feet and working up the body. here, you want to focus on the differences between what tension feels like, and what release feels like. the entire exercise takes about 5 minutes, and depending on what you prefer you can find a video/audio or written instructions

the next thing to keep in mind when practicing relaxation is your posture. positions you normally find comfortable might only be comfortable because you are protecting a tense muscle. for example, folding the legs to the chest is often protective of tense muscle in the back of the thighs. if you try to use relaxation exercises while youre folded up, you might encounter pain or just not make progress because your body isnt in the right position for everything to relax properly.

the best posture for relaxation exercises would be lying flat on your back, legs straight. place your knees and ankles together best you can (if i relax like this, my feet turn outwards, so i like to tuck blankets/pillows against them to keep them straight) and keep your toes pointed upwards, feet at a 90 degree angle. your arms can be lying at your sides, or hands resting on the stomach. properly arranging your lower body is more important than arranging the upper body. overall, you want your posture to be symmetrical, so try not to favour one side over the other. its okay if your posture isnt perfect, it just needs to be better than it usually is.

optionally, if you sit a lot and/or get lower back pain, put a pillow underneath your butt. this will put your hips at a gentle stretch, which will aid low back pain, and help encourage your body, especially your legs, to sit more neutrally.

also optionally, you can try relaxation on a hard surface. it seems counterintuitive, but hard surfaces will sorta force you to even out your posture, because when your weight is distributed unevenly it will hurt. not for everyone, because sometimes your posture is so messed up and your muscles so tight that you just wont be able to get comfy. something to keep in mind though!

next, you need to make sure youre nice and warm. electric blanket, warm shower, heating pad, just make sure youre nice and toasty from head to toe. if you get cold feet and hands, try to get them all warmed up too. the cold will tense you up, so even in day to day life its good practice to keep warm!

additionally, painkillers, muscle relaxants, and topical creams can all be helpful. pain is another factor that will tense you up. even if you dont think youre in pain, it is worth your time to try pain medication before relaxation exercises. i wouldnt take it every time, because its good to compare with and without and use it as a measure of progress.

oh and breathing i guess. this is the one that everyone knows, but its the one that i, personally, found to be the least effective. still, though, slow, deep breaths are proven to relax the body. try to breathe with your stomach; when you breathe with your chest, this strains the scalene muscles in your neck. breathing with your stomach activates the diaphragm, which is much better suited for your deep breathing needs. this is good practice for everyday life, not just relaxation!

and finally, you can do relaxation exercises at any time of the day, but i like to do them right before bed. it might even help you sleep better, too.

thats what i got for how to do it, but dont be surprised if you feel like you dont get results the first few times you try it. it really does take practice! just listen to your body, and chase the sensations that make you feel better--this is the best time to do so, because when you are cozy and warm and in bed and ready to relax, you can safely explore what makes your body feel better without worrying about accidentally hurting yourself.

and this is what relaxation exercises are really about, when you have chronic pain/tension--you are creating an environment where you can feel out the state of your body, in a place and posture where you are theoretically at your most (physically) comfortable. when you return to it again and again over time, it builds a sturdy base from which you can start tracking how your body feels and how it changes over time. kinda like running a little experiment!

[blkkizzat]

I've been a virgin all my life like im talking no masturbation either.

So i tried fingering since my friends said it worked for them and it hurts like a bitch like seriously how do people feel pleasured from this?!?! ��

so masturbation on a larger level is self-care so make it apart of a self-care routine... now i usually just take a clit vibe and bust one out (sometimes just to sleep cause insomnia a BITCH lol) but i have a whole routine if i wanna use my fingers or a dildo, etc.

more below~ hjdscdkjfhvskdj not me explaining in detail how i masturbate... lol oh well let's go...

ok so first. set the mood for yourself, especially if you want vaginal penetration it's all about being relaxed enough for it to be enjoyable.

so take a bath, put some nice smelling lotion on, get in your fav undies or if you feel better nude thats fine too. light a candle. grab some lube. if you partake in marijuana, shrooms or alcohol (wine goes straight to my puss) this is an option too, but NOT NECESSARY. but if that is apart of your self care already then include it.

put on some soothing sounds. if you dont have a fav then tantric frequency music works, actually i would suggest this because it will be less distracting and the frequency allows you to connect to your body more.

next take your time. idk if you ever really took the time to explore your body. just touch yourself. but not anywhere sexual so leave your kitty and tiddies alone for a while. you know how in winter if your car been outside you gotta warm it up before you can drive it? its like that.

pleasure is a total body experience, so get your entire body sensitive first. you can make yourself wet without even touching your coochie. dont rush. slow down and really identify how various touch feels. (you can even apply lotion if you want too or body oils if you like)

just close your eyes and trace your body with touch, press, poke, pull, tug, stroke, etc, with various amounts of pressure (feather touch to rough) on various parts. just find what feels good and do that. concentrate on the music and try to find a rhythm. finally when you get to the point you find yourself aching and rubbing legs together then you can start touching more obviously erogenous zones like tiddies and vag. this is important to wait though (the longer you do this the more sensitive you will be, i sometimes do it for 20-30 min of just exploring touch) because the longer you wait to touch the more sensitive and better it will feel.

start with touching your vulva/coochie lips, softly, do what feels good and dont rush. tease around the clit and entrance, but dont touch or penetrate yet. then once ive done that a while thats when you can start touching your clit. sometimes thats more than enough and you will just cum from that and if you dont want to go further dont force it.

its completely normal for initial penetration to hurt or be uncomfortable. even for non virgins if you have done it in a long time you are gonna tighten back up. lube comes in handy make sure to lather the area and fingers good. so its all about now what feels good but since everything is gonna be uncomfortable at first i would just put a finger in there and just be still. dont move it. just get used to it being in there, almost like you're cockwarming your finger fhkjhsdfjkhsdjk. but i do this when i move up dildo sizes and its uncomfortable. i will literally just leave it in there for a while. sometimes ill then disengage and do other things like be on my phone, grab my switch and play somethin hkfgfsdjkhfdshj. but the point is you are just allowing your body to adjust lol. then take it out, theres been times where i havent felt anything pleasurable to until i took it out and then my coochie is like "wait bitch we were comfy and full" and then i start craving it back in. thats when you can experiment with a little motion. or start rubbing at your clit to help. dont do too much too fast and honestly its probably going to take a few tries for you to really feel comfortable with it but the more you do it, the less you need to do to work yourself open and you will be comfortable with what your body needs.

the key is just finding what your body needs to feel good. also you might get emotional or overwhelmed or even cry. not from pleasure but if you've never really masturbated or really explored than your sacral/root chakra is probably a bit blocked. when you release that it can be a bit overwhelming sense thats a huge center for emotions. if you don't know much about it you can learn about it here and here more.

good luck babes!

[darkbluekies]

Silas asks #6

Previous one Concept: I've put multiple asks into one post to avoid too much loose posts on my account! This way, you have more to read too<3 Warnings: bruises, unhealthy relationships, mentions of marking silas up

What if I made silas a angry steak with vinegar 😡ok that sounded werid but here's the angry steak recipe 😂vinagear sauce, microwave that steak

He'll make sure all of your meals are cooked in dishwater.

What if after the "basement session" Silas find out that now the little thing has a really strong self harm tendencies? Like she start to bite herself, physical abuse herself and not only that! She start to call herself "dirty" (or smt) and her self esteem start to go down very fast. Is Silas will help s/o with it or he'll like it? Hope not the second option <;;:(

Of course he'll hate it :( he doesn't like when you're hurt, hence why he uses the basement as a punishment and not something physical. He hates to see painful marks on your body. He loves to see you painted in bruises, but not the ones that hurt. He'll make sure to tell you how beautiful and worthy you are so make sure that you know how much you mean to him. He'll dress you up in soft, fluffy clothes until you look like a marshmallow to make sure you won't hurt yourself.

"Come here, little thing, fuck, I love you so much. Please don't think like that. You know I don't want you to be hurt. I'll make sure you get well, I'll even call a doctor if you want ... I'll do anything to make sure you're happy, okay? Tell me what to do."

I was re reading your Valentine’s Day post with and I was wondering if he would be the type of yandere to buy his darling lots of clothes and made her spend hours trying them on in front of him? Ps you’re my favourite blog on this app, your writing is amazing and I’m always excited for your next post

[I did two valentines, but I'm guessing that you mean Silas? Thank you so much, btw that makes me so happy <3]

Of course he's the type to make you into his personal little runway model. He'll sit back in a chair and watch with dark eyes, loving everyhting you put on.

"And spin ... good job. I like that one. We'll get that one. What do you mean 'it's short'? It's supposed to be. I'm the only one who will see it anyway, so why does it matter? Try next one. I'm enjoying this."

Hey how are you? I just came back from school and was watching in the gym and saw some kids practicing taekwondo, so I was wondering how would Silas react to his darling knowing taekwondo and can be his ass? Would he be amused or frustrated I just wanted to know cuz I kept thinking about it for about an hour before saying it now. I hope you had a good day :) -new anon

[I'm doing good, thank you!!]

He'd be both frustrated and amused. He would be able to playfight with you and not have to worry about you hurting yourself, but he'd be worried that you would be able to escape him easier now. If you weren't showing any signs of running away, he'd not think much about it and would enjoy getting lessons from you. If you could teach him how to be as good as you, he'd be able to protect himself and you better.

"Like this? No? Y/N, seriously, teach me. Stop playing around."

How would Silas react to a reader with a bad light sensitivity disorder? Like irlen syndrome? I have it and it realy makes me feel isalated as no one elce i have met has had it in eny form (and i have move a LOT) if u dont want to do that what about an s/o who has dislexia? (As u can probarly gess i have that to. Life is so cruel 🥲)

Whatever problem you might be facing, whether it be physical or mental, he will be there for you. If you feel that it's hard to use your eyes, he will go to every doctor to try to find some kind of glasses to help you and if there are none, he'll be your eyes. The same with spelling and reading. He'll do everything for you. You don't have to lift a pretty finger :)

I would've spent all of babygirl silas money the first day tbh

my eye is twitching at that nicknAME

Hii I just read white bunny and I thought it was so good! It got me thinking about whether Silas would carry on treating the reader gently if they improved mentally or if he would go back to the way he was treating them before they ran away?

He would continue to treat them like he is. He's terrified of hurting you again and since you seem so happy when he treats you like this ... then he'll continue. Whatever you want, he'll do for you, don't worry about it. He's here for you ... always.

Hear. me. out.What if darling (s/o? Still don't know difference) ENJOY being in a basement (I am talking about Silas by the way) I mean, they (sorry i forget if s/o (darling) has a gender) think it's something like a minute just for them. No talking, no these annoying "baby" or "little thing", no forced touching. Just you ...and cold floor.

He'll be so pissed and change his tactics. You're not supposed to like his punishments! So you like the dark and quiet? No more of that. He'll be cuffing you two together and talking to you nonstop about how perfect you are and how he's going to keep you for as long as he wants to, aka really getting into your head.

I kinda want to bite Silas, he seem so chewy and acidic, green sour patch kid, especially his cheek, let me bite Silas, I need to bite Silas-

I mean ... he'd 100% like it so go ahead, leave some marks while you're at it.

[unlimitedhearts]

I’m dreading the third game of Spiderman might kill off Harry :/ either he’s goblin (solo or probably along with daddy-o) and dies a la Hero Sacrifice. Or kept comatose and in the end with grim results the decision is to pull the plug on him. idk I feel Harry’s fate is doom and gloom. But they could have killed Harry at the end of this sequel giving a strong motivation for Norman to be the Goblin and hatred for Spider-Man…yet they didn’t. idk rambling thoughts. What do you think?

Personally i can see both options. I saw someone in the tags of my last headcanon post say that it wouldnt make sense to save him from death in this game only to kill him in the next. On some level i get that, why wait when you could do it now?

I have two worst case scenarios in my head:

Harry wakes up from his coma w amnesia a la the third Tobey Maguire movie. Hes unaware of Pete being Spider-Man and Peter, thinking hes protecting Harry, wont tell him. This may cause a rift in their friendship when Harry finds out - or if Norman ends up going goblin and dies - Spider-Man is to blame in Harrys eyes and he'll go after him then. To me this is a tired trope of Harry getting an intense hatred for Spidey and wanting to kill him over his father. It always felt out of character for me and i truly TRULY hope they dont go this route.

Harry becomes the Kobold. In the comics, Kobold is essentially Harrys way of making the Green Goblin a good guy. If he still wants to fight by Peters side, he'll find a way to do it. Kobold would make a lot of sense to me personally, as it kind of continues their dynamic from this game. Then at the end theres a heros sacrifice to be made and Harry goes for it despite Peters protests. This would be lazy to me too though because he essential already did the heros sacrifice in this game. Seems like theyd just want us to have more time with him to love him even more, just to make losing him hurt worse. I wouldn't put it past an intrepid writer to think they could make it work, but it just seems lazy to me.

Actual best case scenario for me though? Harry wakes up as the g-serum is being injected. Hes against being his dads experiment all over again so he runs and finds Peter. Hes not aware of his pseudo-retirement, he just goes straight to the place thats always been his safe haven; Peters home. He asks Peter to hide him from his dad. Tries to explain everything but hes exhausted and frantic. Peter agrees and they take him into hiding.

Norman, ever the expert deflector, doesnt see this as a failing on his part. Hes convinced spider-man had something to do with his son escaping so he puts out a hit on him. Hes ready, willing, and able to capture and kill at least one of the two spider-men it doesnt matter. We see him pardon Wilson Fisk for this job, and when Fisk cant do it, he has to. Normans going to go Goblin. I know it, i can feel it in my bones.

Miles asks Peter to get back in action and he does. Fisk, plus potentially Otto again, plus this brand new villain in town is too much for any one person to handle. Heres where i see Harry becoming a "Guy In The Chair" for Peter like Ganke is for Miles. Two Guys in the Chair helping the spider-men is definitely better than one. I could also see Harrys goblin powers start to emerge but he keeps pushing them down. Last time he gave into power it didnt end well for anyone.

In an effort to not write out the entire plot of the game as i see fit (because itd be long and there are so many moving pieces and characters and IDEK WHERE THEYRE GONNA PUT SILK IN-), i think if Harry does take on the cowl he'll be doing so against his father. I think i see Harry becoming Goblin/Kobold to fight against Norman and ultimately try to help Peter/Miles. This is where i see Harry either accidentally killing Norman or Norman killing his son (and of course, blaming Spider-Man)

There is also room, in my mind, to bring back Venom a la Lethal Protector/Agent Venom. But tbh if they do, i would much rather Venom go to Eddie Brock or Flash Thompson. But thats just the separate Venom Fangirl Entity within me.

Ultimately my hope of course is that Harry not die and they dont go down that all too tired and hackneyed trope of Harry growing to hate Peter dor whatever reason. I truly TRULY hope they dont go that route it is just SO tired and lazy. I want them to stay close and loving. Whatever route they go with will be SO MUCH MORE IMPACTFUL if Harry Osborn lives and doesnt make a full 180 on his best friend for no good reason.

[safetycar-restart]

Ive been thinking about this for so long but dont know how down you are for semi angst, more like hurt/comfort headcanons... what are the boys apology styles like, say they say something they dont mean, i think of little charles just immediately bursting into tears as soon as he realizes what he saud, i see him as always sort of on the precipice to being little so i inagine when hes overwhelmed and he upsets mommy it just gets so much worse 😭

Little max on the flip side i see not being willing to admit what he did, i almost think of him as someone who just walks away, feelsbad and tries to silently make it up to you.i see his dom/mommy making him hold himself accountable though. I think it would honestly be a trauma response to his dad where he would just try to not stir the pot and move on, he also probably learned it from him cause i dont see that man apologizing... basically just like unlearning those behaviours so they can be healthy and happy together.

Id live to hear your thoughts on anyone else. i just dont have as certain feelings about the others in my head as these two ... exceot fir lando, hes a brat that takes ot too far repeatedly and then is a crybaby qbout it

I don’t know if it’s different people asking this style of question with littles or the same person but either way, I would die for you all of you I love this type of thing so much.

CHARLES:

All Charles wants, whether little or big, is to make his mommy happy, that's it. He tries so hard, but when he's little he's just so small and so vulnerable and there are so many things he can't do. He gets so overwhelmed very quickly, and it can lead to a meltdown very easily because the poor thing just doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't mean to be rude to his mommy, but everything is loud and scary and he doesn't know what to do and the next thing he knows, he's pushing you and away and yelling at you to stay away and curling in on himself. He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't know what to do or how to cope.

The actual meltdown doesn't matter the moment he's realised what he's done. Then he's having a whole other meltdown, crying his little heart out and begging for forgiveness, promising that he can be good boy, that he will be a good boy.

Of course you just hold him close and comfort him, promising him that you know he didnt mean it and was just overwhelmed. He sticks to your side for the rest of the day, like he's scared you might actually leave him if he can't see you at all times.

GEORGE:

I know you didnt mention George, but I want to talk about him because I think he would actually only apologise once he's in his adult headspace again?

He's so small when he regresses, mostly too small to even speak properly and far too small to realise that he might have hurt you with something. He can be quite fussy sometimes, especially when he's overtired and he just cant settle. He doesn't realise he's being difficult, and he really doesn't mean to, but he's just too small and can't express himself properly.

You two always get there in the end. And within an hour or two he's cuddled up in you arms, napping or listening to a story and being your sweet little boy.

But once he's back to his adult headspace, he'll remember how fussy he was and how much more work than usual he was and he'll come to you with his tail between his legs and apologise. Every single time he tells you that he understands if you don't want to be his caregiver anymore, which is absolutely ridiculous because that will never happen.

He'll often bring you flowers or chocolates or a book to say thank you for dealing with him, and he just loves you so so much.

MAX:

I definitely agree that Max really struggles to work through whatever he's done wrong. And yeah, it's absolutely a trauma response from his childhood. When max was younger, the only option when he made a mistake was punishment. That's it. There was no talking it through, no trying to understand or making it better. It was just instant punishment and being screamed it.

Because of this, max learned to hide whenever he had done something wrong because he didnt want to be punished like that. He would just try and make up for it in some other way.

Of course this usually fails because he cant properly take care of whatever has happened on his own. He's too small to clean up the milk he spilt or fix the picture he ripped or wash his dirty clothes. He needs you to do those things for him.

You can always tell when max has done something wrong or made a mistake, because he'll hide from you. Usually, max always wants to be with you. Not necessarily on top of you or even next to you, but he always wants to be able to see you and know you're close by. So if more than a few minutes have gone by with Maxie in a different room... then you know something has happened.

The first few times, max just starts sobbing instantly, so bad that you actually worry he might make himself sick. And it's over something that honestly doesn't warrant that reaction? He spilled some milk and now he's sobbing on the floor.

However, unlike Charles, you can't just clean up and comfort max, because he'll continue to feel bad and guilty and not let himself enjoy his time with you because he doesn't think he deserves it.

I think natural consequences would be best for max? He split his milk, so he doesn't get anymore milk. He had an accident, so he must help you clean up and then be in diapers, etc. You always talk it through with him very nicely and very slowly, praising him for being so good about it and helping him work through it all.

You're so proud of him the day he comes to you and tells you that he knocked over his sippy cup and now there is juice all over the floor, because he finally understood that he wouldn't be punished the way he was when he was younger.

[deripmaver]

WHY I AM A HATER OF THE APOSTLE CASCA THEORY!!!!!!!!!

lol ive alluded to it a couple times now and answered an ask about it but i MIGHT AS WELL write a whole post about why the apostle casca theory makes me really really mad lets fucking go

So let’s look at what we know about apostles.

Apostles are a morally neutral (though often in practice leaning towards evil) group of people who, for whatever reason, sacrificed someone (or a few people) that they loved to gain ultimate power, which is granted by the God Hand. Per the Berserk Wiki, they only have one absolute rule: Do as thou wilt.

This is a bit of a tangent, but the general tendency of apostles towards evil to me seems to go along with the overarching theme in Berserk that those with power are wont to abuse it, and to assert their power over those weaker than them. It’s not that apostles are inherently evil and especially the people who become apostles aren’t evil, but in becoming an apostle, they are more likely to act in evil ways, as is anyone who is given immense power. 

The apostles we meet range from sympathetic (Egg of the Perfect World, Rosine) to outright evil (Wylad). We know that apostles need to sacrifice someone that “defines their humanity” to be granted power by the God Hand, and often causality/the God Hand/whatever the hell will bring the person right up to the absolute brink, at their lowest, worst moment, when they offer the sacrifice as an option. While it’s ultimately the person’s choice to sacrifice (as Flora says, fate may push a person to the edge, but it is their choice to take the plunge), the God Hand will do everything they can to make the sacrifice the only real option. 

For Rosine, she sacrifices her abusive parents. For Grunbeld (the novel sucks but it’s technically canon), he sacrifices his dying friends at their behest. For Griffith, he sacrifices the Band of the Hawk when his body and mind are completely broken and he sees no other path to his dream. 

So that leads us into the Apostle Casca theory.

This would be using Guts’ behelit he’s been carrying around since the Black Swordsman arc, of course. It would be an interesting twist if the behelit was actually for Casca, because it knew Guts would lead it back to Casca, and it has been waiting for her darkest moment with her mind restored to activate. 

Up till now, there have been a few Darkest Moments for Casca: First, when Griffith was taken and she needed to take the BotH on the run. Next, the eclipse itself, where she was raped and all of her friends were murdered in front of her. There are a lot of Dark Moments that happened while she was regressed, but I think there’s absolutely going to be another Darkest Moment for her coming up as she struggles to come to terms with Griffith’s rape and the sacrifice of the BotH. Miura said he wanted to write a human reaction to trauma (see my previous meta lol) and that we shouldn’t expect things to be easy for Casca going forward, which I suppose we didn’t realize would be quite so literal with her being kidnapped and magically drugged in Falconia LOL. 

Without her support system, I can see her struggling to cope, and that could lead her on a very dark path. There’s also the fact that she had this complete loss of agency both in the assault itself and her mental regression, and I think it makes sense that the God Hand could tempt her with power that way, use the idea that this would protect her from ever being hurt again I actually have a very vivid picture in my mind of a conversation between Casca and Slan where this happens despite being a hater of this theory LOL dont @ me

So like, if I’m acknowledging that the Apostle Casca theory seems like a natural progression of where she is in canon, why do I hate it so much?

First off, who would she sacrifice? The easy answer is the Moonlight Boy, which if I may editorialize, I think people who support this theory hope she’ll sacrifice because it kills the possibility of a heteronormative nuclear family ending. I’ve never been concerned about that as an ending, though, because Miura clearly has a special distaste for the nuclear family as a source of abuse and trauma, so I don’t see a “the brand of the sacrifice hadn’t bothered them in years. All was well. Griffith Skull Knight Berserk, you are named after the two bravest men-”

Anyways.

There are a specific set of circumstances under which “good people” sacrifice their loved ones: They love them but they also kind of hate them (Rosine), they’re already dying (Grunbeld), or they think it’s necessary to achieve a loftier goal (Egg of the Perfect World, arguably Griffith lol I mean the goal was lofty to him). While anything could happen, the only one of those that I can see fitting for Casca’s sacrifice would be if the MB (or whoever really) is already dying. In her previous “Darkest Moments,” ie post-eclipse and after Griffith’s capture, Casca’s response was to turn inward, by mentally regressing bc she couldn’t cope with the trauma and by working herself ragged and refusing help from anyone until Judeau told her off and then also trying to kill herself. She yelled at Guts a ton during the GA, but during real moments of stress, she didn’t turn her anger outward onto other people. This, imo, makes it unlikely she’d sacrifice one of the biggest sources of comfort to herself currently, who also has protected her when she was unable to protect herself. It doesn’t fit with the way she’s interacted with the world so far. 

Where we are right now in the text, Apostles are a serious trigger for her PTSD. When Casca sees Guts for the first time, she immediately is tormented by visions of apostles. The second time they try to talk, she again sees demons and apostles beside him. Both times she goes absolutely catatonic with terror. And... She’s supposed to become one of them? 

Beyond these specific moments, there’s a general sense of fully associating apostles and demons with the eclipse. The second PTSD flashback in chapter 359 comes from her remembering Judeau and his death at the hands of the apostle, and in chapter 372 hearing the Falconia army referred to as the “Band of the Hawk” makes her cry even through being drugged. Casca watched all of her friends die in front of her during the eclipse before her own assault, and it’s clear that still weighs heavy on her mind, and it’s something Miura has said she needs to come to terms with. At this point in the text, I cannot imagine her opening up a rift, bringing forth apostles and demons as we’ve seen in the sacrifices so far, and watching whoever she sacrificed be eaten by demons just as all her fallen friends were. I think right now she would consider that a betrayal of the memory of her friends.

I’m also simply not sure what could bring her to a state where she’d be ok with it, even if her capture in Falconia goes on and on. Casca’s always had a serious moral compass but more importantly has never been a character who craves power, and so I think it would take far more than what’s happening to her now to abandon that and work with the creatures who assaulted her and killed her friends. 

Which I suppose brings me to my final point: You know who grants apostles power? The God Hand. Who’s a member of the God Hand? Griffith. GRIFFITH. CASCA’S RAPIST.

I can see a very specific scenario where, for whatever reason, Griffith is in conflict with the rest of the God Hand, and that’s when the other members approach Casca to use her as a weapon against him. They would manipulate her through her trauma and ask if she wants to be powerful enough to stand against him, or maybe even say this is necessary to protect MB. Now THAT would be interesting, though some of my issues with this theory remain. 

Otherwise, though, it would be the full God Hand, Griffith included, who would be granting Casca the apostle powers - and then Casca would be working with not only him but the other apostles and the demons who assaulted her. Genuinely lol, if this has been considered and accepted by people who support the Apostle Casca theory, to me it’s no different than any dudebro on r/berserklejerk talking about how Casca is a Griffith simp and is gonna cuck Guts by going back to him. Casca’s upcoming arc is going to be about facing up to the trauma Griffith caused her, and I think it would be a shockingly gross conclusion to that arc to have it be she works with the man who betrayed and raped her. 

In Conclusion the way Casca is written, and the specific way it’s been made clear apostles come to be, I find the Apostle Casca theory really insensitive. I do need to be clear, I think it’s likely that Casca might need a supernatural powerup at some point - and anything is possible. 

Berserk is full of twists and turns, and I think it could happen that Casca could become an apostle in a way that isn’t offensive, and doesn’t have her working side by side with HER RAPISTTTTT LSDKJHGLKSDJHFNLVKSJDHFLKSJ ok I’m calm. I think the need to reclaim power after assault, and the sort of false promise apostle-dom has canonically given to powerless, abused people (Egg of the Perfect World, Rosine) could make for a very tragic story arc, but it would need to be done very sensitively, and really again I think any apostle Casca story that has Griffith granting her apostle powers would be so gross. 

The way things are, currently, in canon make it a very difficult theory for me to stomach. 

[saydams]

a rant about neurological testing

so i told my psychiatrist that i was thinking of trying to get tested for autism (i'm sure i am autistic, did many many years of research to be sure, but was never formally diagnosed). and she said "oh i'd better put you on the wait list right now because it's super long, don't worry we'll have plenty of time to talk about it before you get the the front of the line".

fine ok. and i look up her company to see how they are on diagnosing adults and surprise they are very good for that, one of the few who does it a lot. so, great!

imagine my surprise when i am scheduled for an appointment with neurological testing within the month. i dont want to say no and not bea able to test later, so i guess i'm doing this? also weird: it's on zoom. and just one day?? i dont know maybe i'm confused about what this involves

anyway! my appointment was today. and apparently it was some sort of audition to see if i can move on to the next step. i had to explain to the tester (who wasnt even from the same org as my psych, he's from some other place...) why i was there and i wasnt sure what to say so i guessed as best i could. and he kept getting interrupted? like people kept coming in and talking to him? and he didnt mute himself or anything.

so i guess i passed the audition because he said he was going to have his office send me a link to an online evaluation and after he got the results from that he would see about having me come in for testing.

anyway! i got the link and sat down to do the assessment and it turns out it is 30 minutes of video games which i am SO BAD AT--i hit the wrong button a lot and double click when im supposed to single click so i will accidentally pick the same square twice or whatever and it hurts my hands and the games all beep and flash and its awful.

then it is time for questionaires and most of them are about "the child" and it warns me to take into account what is appropriate for the child at the child's age. and i assume they mean me but im not a kid so i guess they mean me WHEN i was a child but at what age? all the ages? so i guessed and i tried to average everything accross my ages and i had no one to ask and no way to write and clarify anything and then they asked all these drug questions but i dont do drugs and some of the questions were about what happened when i abused drugs and there was no option for not applicable so i just hit "no" but even though i think that was what i was supposed to do i still had a panic attack and the whole thing was the worst

and i have no idea if it will give anyone an accurate picture of anything and i am so stressed and upset now.

anyway. i am not going to do anything else today. since th test i have sat with some tea and read a book. i feel a bit better (so now i'm just mad, not panicky anymore). and i am going to make myself go for a walk this evening when it's not sunny. (it's too bright i can't handle it now)

i hope everyone else has a better day! if you also had a rough task today, i offer sympathetic internet hugs or a friendly cup of tea.

[loop-deloo]

helloooo i keep being so late. but i'm working on it. also this was sooo much longer than it should be but oh well. sorry

For prompt “burn” @wolfstarmicrofic

Cw injury, blood, broken bone

“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius,” Remus grits out. He’s reaching desperately for his leg. It’s mangled and bent and some of the skin is ripped and jagged. Honestly, a lot of what Sirius wants to do is run, find some place to throw up everything in his body, turn into Padfoot, and run far away. But Remus is pleading with him. His eyes are down turned, his face is white and tense, and his nose is scrunched in a way that is about as far from adorable as Sirius has ever seen it, “Sirius, please, I dont– I—fucking hell—Sirius, please, it burns so much, please do something.”

Sirius finally gets his wits about him. Remus hadn’t passed out at all or even really been groggy after the transformation. He had gone straight from snarling beast to screaming boy to a pleading, writhing mess of blood and skin. Peter had run off immediately to get Pomfrey. He had touched Sirius’ shoulder but ultimately left it to James to knock some sense into him. Sirius drops to his knees, not even having the forethought to step closer first, “Moony,” he chokes out. He crawls towards Remus and reaches for his hand, “Ok, ok– Merlin, ok, it’s going to be ok, I promise,” Remus had latched onto Sirius’ hand hard and locked eyes with him. Sirius had never seen him so scared, it would be terrifying if Sirius wasn’t already literally shaking.

James had at some point—angel that he is—gone to get their box of supplies for the worst case scenario and settled down looking a little lost, “Sirius? I don't–”

“We need to stop the bleeding.”

“Ok. …how?” James was holding a thick white bandage in one hand and his wand in the other.

Sirius was admittedly a little stumped. He had taught himself some basic medical spells and muggle tricks but he was far from confident in anything he’d learned. He knew that Remus was losing a lot of blood and that was decidedly bad. But he also knew that the bone had to be reset and the ruined skin repaired, all of which was far more advanced than his simple “episkey". 

Remus squeezed and Sirius didn’t know if it was encouragement or a request to please speed up but he looked down and brought his free hand to Remus’ face, “Hey,” Remus looked back at him with wide eyes, “Hey, I need to do something and fast but I think it's going to really, like really hurt and I need to know if that’s ok.”

Remus looked a little… broken, if Sirius is being honest and that is cleaving his heart in two but he doesn’t have many options. 

“I trust you,” Remus says simply. Sirius was unsure if that was all he had the energy for or if he meant it but it was terrifying either way.

“Oh god.” Sirius looked up to the cracked ceiling of the Shrieking Shack and steeled himself, “James, we have to wrap his leg.”

“Please tell me it’s going to be some other way from literally picking it up and wrapping thai around it because I think muggles are grand but Moony will either pass out or actually kill me and neither are at the top of my bucket list.

“No no, I know this spell. It’s still sort of being developed but performed well it can splint bones, and relieve a bit of pain. If done adequately… uh, hopefully it’ll keep him from bleeding out.”

“Ok, um, yeah, ok that sounds, like better than what I was thinking.”

“Ok, I need you to find a belt for Moony to bite down on, please and um, maybe come hold his other hand? I don't want him to squeeze so hard he cuts his hand,” He looks back to Remus, “You doing alright, Moony? Does that sound ok? A splint and maybe some relief?”

“God, yes. Uh… yeah. Uh huh, Pads I think I’m slipping–” he gasps his next breath, “slipping a bit.”

“Ok baby, I know it hurts so much but I need you to please please stay awake if you can, I don’t know what else is wrong and Pomfrey should be here soon.”

“Ok, ok, I’m trying, I’try’n, Iswear.”

“We’re going now, it’s gonna get a little better, here we go.” Sirius takes a deep breath again, just one moment, checks and double checks the name of the spell, readies his wand, triple checks, points his want, deep breath, “ready?”

“Ready,” come two breathy voices.

“Ferula,” white bandages run from the Sirius’ wand and wrap themselves mostly tightly around Remus’ leg. Sirius is feeling a moment of relief, not even, before Remus shouts.

“Oh fuck, oh Merlin, oh God, oh oh oh, it fucking hurts oh my god.”

Sirius holds tight to his hand and he can see James do the same. They exchange a look, James asking if it works, Sirius responding that he thinks so, thought so. They both return their gazes to Remus, the aggressive writhing has subdued and the volume of his exclamations has lessened. Sirius can now clearly see the tear tracks on Remus’ face and wants to cry himself.

“Re? Moony? I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Is it worse? Should I take them off?” The bandages themselves actually did a pretty good job. The leg looked mostly straight, he wasn’t sure about the cuts and scrapes but at least everything isn’t exposed to the elements now. Some parts of the bandage are a bit looser than others, it’s not the most even, and blood is already seeping through but still.

Remus’ cries quiet down more, he’s slowly relaxing, far from relaxed but less and less of the frightened animal posture he had been keeping since he transformed. He gasps out and then, “it’s better, it still kind of burns and god the bone doesn’t feel right but it’s better.” He breathes.

Sirius breathes. He hears the willow still from a distance and he holds tight to Remus’ scarred hand and he tries to remember to breathe.

[heiluceen]

You have some things a little twisted, I left you as a friend because you lied to me. I came back because I missed you and, you told me the truth saying you wouldn't lie anymore. You've walked out of my life three times now because of what you've had going on and, assumed everything about me instead of what I was telling you. I've been up front with you, and have told you my boundaries. I asked you the questions I needed to ask, and you wouldn't give me any actual answers other than I don't know or maybes. Anytime I asked yes or no questions and you gave me a no absolutely not I never brought it up again, you just try and hint at what you want instead of being straight up with what you want. What you needed to think more about for character development, remember? But it's good, I'm glad this helped you make sure of your decision. I'm glad this made you tell me what you actually want too because thats all I wanted, if you would of said all of this before I would of been good with it but instead you couldn't give me straight answers and danced around the truth. I was hurt because you unfriended me because we have slept together and talked about throuples, that you apparently have no interest in which you never actually clarified to me until now even though weve known eachother for 4 years, I have feelings for you but I plan to be with someone I'm already committed to and love still. You could of said no, that's all but were too shy, or nervous, or anxious to just say no but if you said no I dont want want that dont bring that up, I would have respected that. You said I could still make you smile so it was okay to flirt.. except now its not?You're still friends with another who you've slept with and talked throuples with who also ended it with you. You're still following another who you kissed recently and has feelings for you. I was upset. I have reason to be. I've never stopped being friends with you because of someone's view of you or warped understandings of you. I left because you lied to me about what you knew about someone unfriending me. I missed you, you apologized, I forgave you, and told you next time I'd talk to you before stepping away if that was needed.

I've watched you pick others over me and yourself time and time again, people you think you deserve instead. There I was though, still wanting to be picked and never judging your choices or letting my want of being picked get in the way of you and what you actually want for your happiness. Thats the thing, I would never control you because its you who I love, even if its not me.. you deserve someone who wants to work with you not control you. If you wanted others in your life then so be it, because that's what you want and I love you. I give unlimited options because I want you to get what you want, I was trying to work with you but you never tried to work with me. You rather kick me to the curb for someone you want to love you instead, they never will though. These people you yearn for, never yearn for you but to control you for their own selfish wants. I was here, asking and standing up for what you want.. trying to help you figure out what you love and want, not push what I want for you onto you. If you wanted me how I wanted you, then I would give you an option to explore the west coast like youve told me youve wanted in the past... If you didn't, then you could of forgot about the option because I was just offering so you could have the options, as I love you for you and whatever you end up choosing. I would of fought anyone who tried to take you from my life, because even if we are just friends I love you and want you in my life but it seems you rather be controlled by others fears than to fight for me in yours. So I am respecting your wishes, I won't get in your way again.

I asked if I could put you on speaker and you said no, so I didn't. I asked you questions so I wouldn't push things on you and, once you said no I respected that. I mentioned a throuple and you told me the reasons you don't like men, I told you we wouldn't do or move foward with anything you weren't comfortable with, you said you couldn't see it working because of past complications but never said you just didn't want to until now. So thank you for finally telling me; And showing me, I'll never actually matter even as a friend if there is someone you rather hook up with that treats you like shit but I make them uncomfortable. I shouldn't even make them uncomfortable because if you didn't want this then why is there a reason to jealous, there isn't. I just want you happy and I see that's not with me in any form so that's okay, I really wish you nothing but the best in the future.

Here you are leaving because you see an ex, or because you don't want me to have space even though you just had space, or because someone who is mentally abusive to you is uncomfortable with me. I see my worth to you. Seems we both got the closure we needed. I love you, good luck.

[zak-writes]

i miss loving someone so much i couldn't breathe.

it's nice to have my lungs clear but i dont like them hollow.

people tell me its okay not to love anyone and i guess it is. there's a whole community there of people who are like me. i see them sometimes, talking about not feeling love and i think, yeah, me too.

but i used to feel like that. i spent five years suffocating at the thought of someone i couldnt touch and then five months wondering if this is really what everyone was talking about. i couldn't feel it. or maybe i could and i just didn't enjoy it.

i think i just like attention. i can get that from anywhere. im not pretty but i can be funny if i try. sometimes i write something that strikes a nerve and its never something i care about.

the things i put effort into seem to fail and the things i give up on succeed. maybe that's why im still here. i quit trying six months ago and no one seems to have noticed. i can float through life and get by fine.

at least she punched walls. at least she threw things. at least she hurt people. who am i? some shadow of a broken little girl, stuffed into a mans body that only feels right when other people acknowledge it.

i start trying to write how i feel down and i get stuck. i dont feel anything about him, three years later. some men really are just a guy. if i think back i cant identify what it was that got us here. he seems to think we're a miracle but i never believed in those.

he doesn't know what to get for my birthday. i asked him to name three of my interests and he named two. i got to seven of his before i got one wrong. he didnt tell me he stopped listening to that podcast. i didnt tell him i hurt myself again.

maybe its just an idea of it. i like the idea of it more than what could actually be. having to put effort into someone else is too far.

most people who feel nothing have a reason. i dont do drugs and i only drink on occasion. im not depressed, i dont think. i get out of bed - eventually - and i go to work and i do my assignments and i talk to my friends.

i dont know what people are talking about when they describe their hobbies. i dont do things for fun. i do them because if i dont make things all the time, things people can see, it was like i was never here.

i get asked a lot what my speciality is. i dont know what they mean. im doing this degree because it was the easy option, but also because i like all of it. its all interesting. how can you choose a favourite part? how do you decide which bit is worth putting the extra effort in?

am i just lazy? am i already a corpse? they say you get your final death when someone speaks your name for the last time. i keep shooting the little girl inside of me but people are still saying her name. i dont want her to die. i say her name in my head all the time. she screams at me. i think thats fair.

i know i love her. if nothing else, i love her. she didnt know any better. she didnt know what she was doing to me. i dont think she could conceive of me existing.

for her there was just then. for me there is the next thing. the job and the house and the children i might have. i could love a child. i love every child i meet.

so many people looked at me and saw something they could hurt. every time i look at a kid i think, how?

i love the house i grew up in. i dont have a bedroom anymore.

i love my siblings. they never call me.

i love my friends. i forget their birthdays.

i forget everything. sometimes i say the names of my dead family and i dont remember what they look like. i want to carve their names into a tree so they cant die. i want to set the world on fire.

you can love nothing and everything at the same time i think. maybe that's the point.

[mihai-florescu]

Mihai. Mihai my enstars professor mutual. What the heck is going on with ryuseitai

Ok so i read some liveblogs but i havent read comet show or submarine so a lot of references to those were lost on me (im waiting for them to come to engstars) and thus im not the best professor for this story.

But the tldr is that there's an agency in Okinawa (same place Submarine was held in during the ss arc), Crimson Production, that opposes ES's monopoly and that's where a bunch of ex ryuseitai kids have gone to (theyre called Antistars). Tetora goes to help these kids and the media publicizes it as him leaving Ryuseitai. Shinobu goes to find out the truth, talks to Tetora about the opposing ideologies, the next day the news state that he also left Ryuseitai. So the rest of the group go to Okinawa to see what's up. They trespass, Tetora and Chiaki have an argument and fight, but dont worry, Tetora is a spy on the inside of CrimPro and needed to make his loyalty to them believable. Chiaki opens up to Tetora about his time in the war (i realise as i type this how ridiculous this game sounds to an outsider...)

This was a distraction for Kanata and Midori to find and free Shinobu, and to find papers to destroy the company. They get caught. The 5 are reunited inside the agency and Tetora reveals he is a spy for ES but he does genuinely want to help the antistars kids who are mistreated by CrimPro for being former ES idols. So CrimPro are evil and need to be destroyed but im a bit confused at this part ngl. Something something yakuza something something they actually kill people so it's super dangerous (i think this part has a callback to Submarine that im not getting). They cant go to the local police cuz the organization has inflitrated it so the only option for Ryuseitai is to renounce ES and join CrimPro.

While making the announcement theyre actually sending ES secret messages, dangerous stuff if they get caught. Theyre gonna hold a live for CrimPro which is a distraction for ES to intervene, and while theyre preparing for that, Tetora has a self hating monologue about his own skills and merits. He's not being self sacrificial bc he's a hero but bc he doesnt mind putting his life in danger::::)

At the live they discuss about roles and who's the leader. Tetora cant become Chiaki, but he can be his own person with his own skills, and like this maybe he can even surpass Chiaki. They keep their colors but those expectations of having to fill in Chiaki's shoes are going away. So anyway, back to the live, Ryuseitai had secretly sent back to Eichi evidence to condemn CrimPro and now he's ready to bust them down (i dont know if Eichi is there personally with the police or if he's just in charge from above... i assume the latter?)

They tell themselves that they're not harming people but just destroying the environment where the evil had spread (Chiaki compares it to the war, but i think he's being idealistic...people Did get hurt in the war too. There's a cenotaph for the students who killed themselves afterall...) And uh. Then we get to the epilogue, that I haven't seen translated yet. I assume they're successful (imagine if we went through all of this only for someone to die lmao)

So. Ta daa. Thats it. Erm. I know this isnt new to enstars but i feel like things have felt more dangerous and high stakes, especially in the ss arc and 1.5 (negi just. Faked being shot by a hitman. That shit was traumatizing. This is set after that). I dont really know what other stories we could get of Ryuseitai set in our current year if im being honest. This felt like Climax yknow?

Well, im looking forward to translations of this story cuz im not entirely clear on everything just with the livetweets. And looking forward to reading comet show and submarine when they come to the english server. Hope this was helpful^_^

[faint-frankie]

（ 11-15-2024 ） daily post? idk how often i’ll do this.

tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz

f; Mikey/Frankie - host

— art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )

i'm so behind in this class 😭 im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk

next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)

speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage

uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn y’all im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE 😒

my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!

ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option

last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. i’ve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? they’re slowly getting more personal and realistic and i’m actually so scared that’s a sign.. cuz i’ve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/

im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(

— urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )

ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.

oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...

f; Khris & co; Johnnie

— lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )

i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT

our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll

some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee

someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.

i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN

— asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4th )

i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/

ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit

f; Loretta

I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.

f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta

BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND

i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself

— media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )

i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke

my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi

im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home

im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.

okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit

if you actuallt read this, thank you:3

[biollyante]

Heartbreaking: your beautiful awesome favorite friend was tempted by power and exiled your bro to the wastes

the wastes in question.

"I only had two options, I don't want it to be breaking fucking news" says guy who had more options.

man idk what to even put here. im just bummed out. like damn. who hasnt been tempted to be judge, jury, and executioner of the squad, amirite? but you could've, like, idk, fucking TALKED to my bro beforehand. now that youve done this, i know that you can ban people and not tell them why. I know you whispered behind me and my bro's backs and never told him anything. and you want to keep everything silent, to act like nobody did anything. i know we've always been chill, i know you want me around, but i dunno if i wanna hang with an exiler who exiled my bro, is all. hell, if you've got a hammer and you've got every-problem-is-a-nail-itis, maybe i'm the next nail!

here's the thing, bucko: there's a lot of good people in the squad. you were one of them, i thought. so you and me, we're not gonna act like you didn't do anything. but i'll still be here. I don't leave places if nobody talks to me. you're going to have to exile me to get me out.

let everyone know just how comfy that hammer fits in your grasp.

or please, for the love of god, prove me wrong. i don't want to lose you. i dont want you to hurt my bro.

make it breaking fucking news before i do.

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

this is another I'm gonna talk about my own life post because I don't have anywhere else I can talk about it and I'm seriously struggling atm, if you don't want to read it that is okay I will not be offended :)

I do not know what I wanna do with my life and I am so miserable and I feel like im a failure

I'm failing Uni, I can't seem to get a job, I am so lonely! I do have friends but I feel most of them are the type of friend to do fun stuff with and not the type to sit with me and talk with me as I go through whatever is happening to me rn

I feel hopeless and I'm just so so so so so tired and I don't know what to do anymore

My mother and I had a huge argument earlier and she hasn't apologised and it's insane to have seen her since just being normal and like it didn't happen, it's ruined my day, possibly my week, and she's just happy that she "won" because I ended up sobbing. Good job Mum!!!! Way to go!!!! She wonders why I really wanna move out? It's a mystery!!!! I cannot possibly think of why!

She criticised everything about me.

She was going on about how I hate home and my family, which I mean, I do, but I haven't told her that because I interact with my family as little as possible to prevent these fucking arguments. She thinks I hate it here because I often get irritated with the people in my household, but that just happens when you live with people. I do hate it here but she makes it out that I constantly parade around going 'it's awful here I hate it so much and I hate you all' when I don't, I just sometimes get annoyed with my living situation when not at uni because of how drastic a change it is and I much prefer living nearer to a big city to this rural area that I have to deal with at home - "I don't know why you've come home to be honest" I quite literally had no other choice, but right now, living on the streets of Liverpool seems like it would actually be the better option.

I have expressed that after Uni I would like to move out straight away if possible and I'm continuously having that used against me. Sorry I have plans for after Uni I guess? Sorry I don't wanna live in the middle of fucking nowhere for the rest of my life? Sorry that I actually want to get out into the world after you tried SO desperately to stop me going to Uni at all?

It is so evident that my parents had my sister and I because they wanted children who were the carbon copy of them and now that we aren't, it's a problem!

She's constantly on at me about Uni as if I'm not trying! I am!!! If I didn't care about Uni, I would give up. I am not someone who perseveres unless I actually want to - I quit doing Tae Kwon Do *just* before I got my black belt. I was so close but because I didn't actually want to do it anymore, despite the fact that all I had to do was persevere for a bit longer, I stopped because it was no longer bringing me joy.

I LOVE Uni! I love learning, I love lectures, I love education, I love expanding my knowledge!! I just have a hard time applying what I have learned when it comes to doing so and I keep on getting seen as lazy and not as struggling, when I am struggling, but I feel like im someone who wants to prove I CAN do it despite all of the struggles but it's seeming harder and harder and I feel like if I asked for help from Uni when I haven't up to this point, I'd get made fun of even though I know I wouldn't.

I hate arguing with my mother because she does what my dad thinks he can do. When my dad and I argue, it's meaningless shouting that I pay no attention to. My mum knows what to say to hurt me.

Next, she made fun of the fact that I have that club night that I really enjoy going to. I am a bit obsessed with it, I will admit, but that's because it brings me so much joy. I dont have a tattoo for it for no reason. I feel like I belong there and that people actually enjoy being around me there and it gives me something to look forward to going to in the near future, instead of waiting months for gigs I have tickets to. She said "it's all you care about, it's all you talk about" - a bit yeah. It's the only in real life thing that brings me that much joy. My parents complain when I unhealthily obsess over celebrities, when I was a teenager thye were begging me to go out and talk to people instead of only watching Dan and Phil - I am now obsessed with something that gets me out of the house and being sociable and that gets criticised too.

During the argument we had, any time I said something she had said or done had hurt my feelings, she said, "well it's not like that" or "you've taken that the wrong way" or "I didn't mean it like that". She "knows" and "understands" me and is "willing to listen to and help me" - all she knows about me is that I like Dan and Phil, The Beatles, and the club night that I go to, and any time I've tried to speak to her about anything, it ends up in an argument similar to (but not as intense as the one we had) today.

I said something about my dad and she said she'd speak to him about it and I asked her not to and she said ok she won't, last time that happened where I said something and she said she'd speak to my dad about something and I asked her not to and she said she wouldn't, she lied about doing so!!! She had talked to him!!! and she wonders why I don't fucking tell her anything!!!!

The massive argument we had today started because ive been complaining about my lack of sleep recently, I haven't slept well at all since I got home from Uni. I was getting like 9-12hrs of sleep a night at Uni, here I get 4-6hrs and ive tried cutting down on caffeine, I've tried waking up early with an alarm so that I'm tired in the evening so I go to sleep earlier, I've tried going on walks to physically tire myself out and I just cannot sleep for more than 4-6hrs and it's really taking a toll on me. I was complaining about it and I, of course, was met with my mother saying "well I don't sleep much and I just have to get on with it" and we had a bit of a disagreement but nothing major.

I've started journaling recently, just in a notebook from the shop - nothing fancy with a lock or anything, because I have always really struggled with being sad/angry/upset (probably because negative emotions have always been criticised in this household!) and I'm trying journaling as a way to deal with those emotions in a healthy way - rather than keep those feelings in and get more worked up and more sad/angry/upset as a result of not having an outlet. The minor argument/disagreement about me frustrated with not being able to get decent sleep bothered me enough to journal it, so i started journaling it and my mother said "go on and slag me off in your book". I am being criticised for dealing with how she made me feel, in a healthy way, because she doesn't like the idea of being spoken about negatively. I got the notebook and started journaling for this exact reason, so that rather than unload feelings to a friend, fpr example, I could journal them so that I got them out but also noone else has to know - and I'm still criticised. Whenever she's ever seen/heard me express how I feel about an argument or a disagreement I've had with her, she's always had a problem with it. Am I not allowed to feel?

There is so much tension and anger in this household and I feel like im walking on a tightrope that might snap constantly. There is no physical abuse, I should say for the sake of clarity, I am not in immediate danger - there's just so much that's not spoken about and I feel we all are always avoiding certain topics of conversation because everyone will end up shouting and screaming at eachother at a moments notice.

Moving to Uni where that worry is no longer, to then move back to this, sucks so much.

I have seen what a happy life is for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to move out of my family home for good. I need to. I think people I know think I am exaggerating/miss the independence and freedom of Uni when I say that, but I am so serious when I say I will not ever be truly happy under my parents roof. I cannot live here for longer that I absolutely have to. I am so miserable.