#i dont know what my next option is everything hurts and i want it all to stop i just want everything to stop

[reallyromealone]

Back to you part 2

Angst, omegaverse, male reader

🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐🪐

(name) just stared at the blond man holding him close, this is what he wanted for years.

Its what he dreamt of.

But more than anything?

He was absolutely filled with a rage he didn't think was possible.

"Shit--" Mikey was pushed away from him as an angry omega glared at him "I lost my baby because of you" (name) spat out, body shaking not from fear but from everything Mikey's actions had put him through emotionally and physically. "(Name) it was for--" "I dont give a FUCK what it was about, all I know is one day my mate is there and the next hes dead! I HELD A FUNERAL FOR ALL OF YOU! I LOST MY BROTHERS! I THOUGHT MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAD DIED!" (Name) screamed as he pushed mikey back, the Alpha letting him do this because... He knew be deserved this.

"You promised Manjiro" (name) had fat tears rolling down his face "I was holding your grandfather's hand as he passed, did you know that? While you were off doing god knows what? Instead of seeing his last living grandchild he saw the broken grandchilds mate who he abandoned" (name)s voice was venemous as he looked at mikey dead in the eyes. "Those closest to my heart faked their deaths and abandoned me" (name) was now laughing and Mikey never felt fear in a long time but for once?

He was terrified.

(Name)s face went serious as he stormed out and into what seemed to be a lounge "(name), its a pleasure to see you again" Ran said calmly, assuming the poor heartbroken omega would run into his alphas arms.

But he was dead wrong.

"Get the fuck away from me before I burn this god forsaken building to the ground" (name) said coldly as they looked to see Mikey looking disheveled but not in a post sex way, in a he got his ass beat way.

"(Name) we can explain" Kakucho tried to appease the half-feral omega who wanted nothing more tham to beat the ever living shit out of them "I dont need one" (name)s tone was cold "You guys wanted to play crime lord without an omega keeping the boss weak" (name) said simply, it was obvious despite his rage "you guys killed his heir by the way also this piss idea made him look like absolute shit"

"Watch --" Sanzu was cut off with a harsh glare "watch what Haruchiyo? Watch the fact my loved ones live their happiest lives as i deal with the loss of literally my entire family? The child I was going to tell my Mate about when he was supposed to get home? Only to find out he died with everyone else and THEN after years find out oh look theyre alive and living the life of luxury" (name) gave a cold cruel laugh "elaborate to me, what should I be watching?"

They remember how (name) was before they left, sweet and always deverted to Mikey no matter what.

This?

This was a stranger.

A changed person.

A person hurt beyond repair.

"I spent my life mourning a fucking lie" (name) said almost methodically.

"I wasted my life mourning a man who clearly didnt love me"

"I did love you" Mikey was forceful as he grabbed his mates shoulders and looked at him with a desperate expression, the face of a man who wasnt ready to lose his mate "dont you love me?"

"I always loved you" (name)s voice was empty "but I also know betrayal, you betrayed me... You all did"

"And didn't you teach me never negotiate with traitors?"

The room halted as mikey looked at him horrified "you cant leave " Mikey said almost begging "what like how you left me? At least im giving you a warning" (name) fired back and tried to escape mikeys hold but the alpha held him tight.

"Please..." He begged and (name) was cold.

"Where was my chance to plead for you to stay? Why do you always get the options?" (Name) snapped as he started struggling to get out of his hold, it seemed after all these years mikey got stronger somehow.

(Name)s inner Omega pleaded with him to accept their alpha but (name) absolutely refused.

What mikey did was beyond exuse.

(Name)s body went limp as he spoke "after this, I dont think I can look at you guys... At least for a very long time..."

The room was filled with so many negative emotions, it was almost suffocating.

(Name) eventually broke free and wandered to the elevator, the guards looking at Mikey for what to do and the alpha rushed to hold (name) "p-please..."

"Keeping me here wont fix things"

"Please let me fix this...please"

[verynormaleatinghab1ts]

Master list of everything I do/have done for wɛight lºss:

For context: I've had an ɛd since the beginning of 2022 (though possibly longer?) and have had a lot of trial and error in that time. I am currently at my all-time lowest wɛight and this is my third or fourth rɛlapse. My heavıest ever was ɓmi 25. For this rɛlapse my start was ɓmi 23 at the beginning of August and now I'm down to ɓmi 18.7 as of October. This is gonna be a very thorough master list of all the stuff I keep consistent at to lºse wɛight.

1. Hydration:

Ik you are hearing this for the umpteenth time but DRINK SO MUCH WATER. I probably drink anywhere from 70-100 oz of water a day. You should drink at least HALF YOUR BODY WɛIGHT IN OUNCES of water every day (120 lbs = 60oz water minimum). Whenever my cup is empty I refill it asap or drink sparkling water which I LOVE. The reasons for this are obvious, it takes up stomach space, fends off hunger pangs, hydration, yada yada hopefully you know what water is and does.

2. Other drinks:

I very scarcely consume liquid cªlories. If I want a drink with more flavor, sparkling water, unsweetened tea, or (very rarely) zero/diɛt of whatever soda I'm craving. I don't like energy drinks/coffee but those work as well.

That being said, I still allow it sometimes (meaning if my cªlorie budget allows for it). For example, my favorite drink is AriZona green tea, which is not very high in cªlories if you find the right portion size. The bottles are 160 cªls each, and they sell regular 12 oz cans for 80 cªls each. It's all about portion sizes, even for drinks!

Otherwise, I don't drink a lot of juice or soda anyway. If I do want juice, I try to get it in pouch/can/bottle form instead of from the jugs so they are pre-portioned and I don't have to wɛigh it out to calculate cªls. I have some compulsory thing that I feel the need to CHUG every drink I have, so this helps keep me from gulping down half a gallon of sugar water and is still within my budget. I don't drink protein shakes really, but if it's within your budget, there's no reason not to (especially as a meal replacement).

For alcºhol… sometimes I let myself splurge on cªls a little bit bc these days I only drink if I'm REALLY going through it (bc cªlories got me trippin' so hard I kind of stopped being an alcºholic), but otherwise, I hardly drink at all anymore. When I do, I'll do shots of whatever liquºr I've got atm. 90-100 cªls a shot is atrocious but on an empty stomach, it'll hit quick. Other options I've utilized include hard seltzers, liquºr in diet soda/watered-down juice, or spiked teas. Lower in cªls than other things (generally) and good for someone with a lower alc tolerance. I love beer and wine but it's just not effective and too high cªl if I'm looking to get smashed.

3. Apple Cider Vinegar:

Pretty much since I developed an ɛd, apple cider vinegar has been involved in some form or another. I should also mention that all of these methods have helped a lot with my acne (which was my main excuse for why I was always consuming these things so often). *I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW IF IT DOES ANYTHING BUT I WILL ALWAYS TAKE A WɛIGHT LºSS PLACEBO IF IT WORKS* 

At first, I would take shots (2 TBSP or 1.5 oz) of it in the morning every day, usually just alongside water or tea (though I never personally minded the taste that much). I wouldn't recommend this method since it definitely irritates your teeth/mouth/throat/stomach after prolonged use, and makes your stomach hurt if you don't take it with enough water.

Next, I tried ACV gummies. The downside, is these do have cªls (I think about 20 or 30 for 2 pieces?) and unfortunately I found them delicious so they were always tempting me from my bathroom cabinet. Also, they were pricey and inconvenient since I'd always forget to ɛat them in the morning.

Now I take ACV capsules since I prefer to just swallow pills over chewing up a sticky little gummy every morning. No cªls, no taste, quick and easy, MUCH cheaper. I take 2 in the morning and 2 at night, but DO NOT start with that many because it will hurt your stomach. Start with just one in the morning and increase from there.

4. Intake:

I want to make it very clear that ɛating ANY amount under your BMR (basal mɛtabolic rate) will result in wɛight lºss, and this can be calculated on various websites. You don't have to ɛat under 1000 to lºse. You could ɛat OVER 1000 and still lºse. Please use your best judgment to find the right amount for your needs.

I don't track/count net cªlories (cªlories after subtracting cªlories burned), only the total amount of cªlories I CONSUME. I may bump it up a little *very sparingly* but I've maybe only done that 3 or 4 times in the past three months, and never any more than my maintenance cªlories. For me, 500-800 range is just enough to keep me from going insane while still consistently dropping a good amount of wɛight every week. And I don't track seasonings at all because that's literally dumb lol. If using enough salt and pepper to kill a small child will get you to fill up on broccoli instead of bınging on chips who gaf. It'll be >5 cªls regardless, you'll burn that many cªls just sprinkling it in and chewing.

5. Tracking cªls:

I track everything I eat and I wɛigh out my fºod pretty frequently, but usually only for things like meat, dairy, or high carb/sugar foºds. 5 or 10 extra grams that I would let slide before could add a lot more cªlories than you realize (and mostly from fªt or sugar 😧). I don't bother wɛighing out low cªl foods usually, I just make rough wɛight/volume measurements. I usually overestimate my cªls and still end up ɛating below my budget anyway. As someone who would wɛigh out every single little thing that went into my body (including water) to the hundredth decimal gram, being obsessive about it will drive you insane and you will risk a miserable bınge/rɛstrict cycle. It's stressful and annoying and you will still lºse wɛight if you don't. 

I don't track/care about my macrºs at all. I do try to ɛat more protein than bread and sugar when I can, but I don't really prioritize it. I would recommend that you do though, PRIORITIZE PROTEIN AND FIBER because these keep you full for longer and will help you to feel less tired from undɛrɛating.

6. Fªsting/OMªD:

What I feel has been absolutely key to my success has been fªsting and OMªD (one mɛal a day). I fªst a minimum of 20 hours every day and only ɛat dinner (because it's required in my house) + a small snack (usually an apple 🤤). My dinners range anywhere from 200-600 cªls and I never let my snack go over 200 cªls. This keeps me full through the night, and throughout the day I tend to keep myself so busy that I forget to ɛat anyway.

Once (sometimes twice) a week I will do a fªst anywhere between 40-50 hours but I would recommend 24-36 hours for someone who does not fªst for long periods as often since this has had a lot of negative side effects for me (fainting, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, stomachache, headache, low blood pressure, spikes/drops in heart rate, weakness, exhaustion). A lot of my issues come from overproduction of stomach acid, dehydration, and general shitty blood circulation. If you do want to fªst for longer periods, here are my tips:

Constantly be drinking water and stay super hydrated.

Chew gum, this produces saliva and reduces acid production.

Absolutely NO carbonated drinks, this will INCREASE acid production!

Extremely light to NO exercise (I break this rule a lot 😓), conserve your energy while fasting.

Drink hot liquids (tea, coffee, water) in the morning, this keeps me from getting nauseous and lightheaded throughout the day.

My body cannot handle any pills/vitamins on an empty stomach, so take with caution (obv don't do this if you take medication you're required to take with food)

Overall reduce stimuli like lights, sounds, temperatures, and smells. These usually make my side effects much worse and cause me to get sick more often (but I also have autism so that may factor).

Keep yourself occupied, preferably something with your hands. I get a lot done with school and a lot of my hobbies like writing, puzzles, painting, etc. I also deep clean and organize things around the house frequently which keeps me occupied for a couple hours.

7. Exercise:

In the past, I had a pretty bad exercise ªddiction whenever I would be deep in my ɛd, and honestly, it didn't help much at all. It made me extremely tired and sore all the time and it led me to bınge often because I told myself it would "cancel out". Exercise does not contribute to wɛightlºss as much as people think it does, since wɛightlºss is primarily done through your diɛt. Now, I exercise once or twice a week (if at all), and this is the most wɛight I've ever lost and KEPT OFF, so slowing down on the exercise has really helped me a lot. I primarily do cardio like walking, stairmaster, playing sports, home workouts etc., but nothing super intense. I only aim to get over 2000 steps a day and am pretty sedentary because of school.

8. Actual foods I eat:

Disclaimer: Outside of ªna, I also have dealt with ARFıD/super picky ɛating my whole life, so this list won't be super varied and relatively basic.

First things first, take multivitamins/supplements. Especially Iron, Calcium, Vitamin B12, and Vitamin D. I prefer capsules, but if gummies, drink mixes, etc are easier DO THAT. These are essential vitamins and minerals that will keep you from feeling like walking dead.

Protein: I have never ɛaten pork, and I very scarcely ɛat beef or lamb. I pretty much only ɛat chicken/turkey for everything which is leaner and higher in protein than other meats. I don't like/ɛat seafood or tofu, but that's also an option. I fucking LOVE eggs they're one of my favorite foºds, plus decently low cªl, protein, filling, and delectable in any form. I really really like nuts as well (esp cashews) but it's very rare I get to ɛat them because they are so high cªl 😓 However if you do they're a good source of healthy fªts and protein! I save it for special occasions.

Veggies/fruits: I ɛat A LOT of fruits and veggies bc I try to incorporate several into any foºd I make. Cooking pasta? Fill it with veggies. Stir fry? 90% veggies. Literally anything else? Half my plate is veggies. Volume ɛating is a lifesaver. It keeps me full, adds fiber and vitamins to my diɛt, and is low cªl because they're mostly water, so I ɛat them as much as I want. The fruits/veg I ɛat the most: spinach, kale, lettuce, cabbage, fresh herbs, tomatoes, peppers, onion, broccoli, green beans, ginger, bok choy, carrots, apples, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, strawberries, grapes, melon, citrus, bananas.

Dairy: Low fªt, skim, or 0% fªt dairy products are always the go-to, you get the same result for whatever you're subbing it for. I haven't drank cows milk since I was a wee child because it's disgusting and I don't really ɛat any dairy other than cheese, so making this swap wasn't very difficult for me. I do try to limit dairy as much as I can though because it is so high in fªt and cªlories. If a recipe has butter or cream I try to leave it out or use as little as possible.

"Breads": I still ɛat things like pasta, tortillas, rice, and regular bread frequently, just in small amounts. And I will almost never double up on 'breads' (like having a bread roll and pasta together). I try to ɛat protein pasta over regular to at least get some benefit from it since it is so high cªl. Lower cªl options you can have a little more freely are anything keto or gluten-free/vegan options. Sometimes if I want toast or a sandwich I will cut one slice of bread in half so I have two very thin slices and it tricks me into thinking I ªte more than I really did. I really love instant noodles but unfortunately they are very high in cªlories so I haven't ɛaten them in a very long time ☹️. Instead I ɛat rice noodles or instant pho since it's pretty low cªl compared to the fried wheat noodles.

9. Junk food swaps/junkorɛxia:

Okay I know you just saw the big list of "healthy" foods but I am a junkorɛxic to my CORE. I love sugar, I love desserts, I love bread, I love cheese, I love chips, I love fast foºd, all of the worst highest cªlorie garbage you can think of. I still ɛat these things from time to time believe it or not, but now we're going back to portion control. Brownies are one of my favorite treats, and I still get to have them if it's *within my budget*. I can still have bread, and chips, and cookies etc, as long as it's *within my budget*. You don't necessarily have to completely cut these things out, because I know when I do, I go crazy and bınge on all of these foºds eventually. Even still, I don't ɛat these fºods very often because I found lower cªl swaps!

I'm not going to try to lie to you and tell you "if you want potato chips ɛat baked broccoli or seaweed instead ❤️" because that shit is WACK and not at all like chips. Here are some swaps I make for most of the garbage I usually would ɛat for the fellow junkorɛxics:

N!CKS/halotop ice cream, zero sugar popsicles/bars: lowest cªl ice cream flavors of N!CKS ice cream are around 1 cªl per gram! I like these because they feel less heavy in my stomach than regular ice cream, and taste more like frozen yogurt anyway 🤤. I haven't actually tried halotop but I assume both brands are similar. Popsicles I can't ever tell a difference, it's just flavored with ice sugar or flavored ice with no sugar, neither are super high cal.

Sugar-free jello and pudding: self-explanatory, taste very very close to the regular to me so I don't even realize a difference! I hate yogurt but zero sugar greek yogurts would work too if you're into that. I use this as a swap for jellos/puddings/ice cream.

Baked chips, savory rice crisps, popcorn: baked chips are lower cªl and lower in fªt by weight, but they taste way different from the regular so don't expect them to be the same. Rice crisps are super low cªl compared to chips and come in a lot of flavors (I like these better than regular chips most of the time bc they're crunchier). Popcorn (even the buttered or other flavors) isn't as high cªl as I assumed it was! Plus it's high volume and filling, bc I know my ass cannot finish a whole bag of microwave popcorn to myself.

Sweet rice cakes, fiber one bars, graham crackers, cinnamon raisin bread, frozen waffles or pancakes (ordered low–high cªl): These are my replacement "baked goods" because that is something I crave a lot. I know most of these aren't at all like cookies, but it works for me personally and I can fit them into my small-ish budget regularly without having to bake everything myself all the time. Even outside of having an ɛd I've always loved rice cakes, so regardless I ɛat them a lot, low cªl, CRUNCHY, cheap. Fiber one bars are like 60-90 cªls + fiber ofc. Graham crackers are 130 cªls for 2 sheets. Cinnamon raisin bread is 90 cªls a slice (personal fav). Frozen waffles/pancakes are usually around 200 cªls a serving. 

Sugar-free candy/other: I think it's good to assume any candy that's keto or dairy/sugar-free will be lower cªl than the regular version. I don't really ɛat a lot of candy day-to-day but whenever I crave it I go for granola or fiber one bars, or have a small amount of dark chocolate instead. If I'm craving sour candy, I'll have fruit, jello, fruit gummies, or drink juice. These aren't very good or direct swaps, but I tend to crave flavors and textures more than specific fºod items (if that makes sense). But regardless, if I have enough cªls leftover, I just ɛat the real thing lol.

10. Cook your own food:

Cooking for myself 99% of the time has been crucial for my wɛightlºss. I'm able to wɛigh and portion out all my ingredients accurately to get exact cªlories for anything I make. Plus this way I can throw tons of vegetables into whatever I make to give it more volume/nutrition. 

I also cook for my whole family, which means they constantly have high cªl requests for what they want me to make like pastas, fried foºds, burgers, etc. If I know for certain it will fit into my budget, I'll just ɛat it (with much difficulty) so they don't get suspicious. However I'll also swap/remove the super high cªl parts in recipes completely and other times I will add all the high cªl stuff to just their portions and keep a 'clean' portion for myself. 

I will pretty much never get take out unless my whole family is getting it, and even then, I try to just have leftovers or cook my own meal instead. If I HAVE to get take out, I try to get the lowest cªl thing I possibly can.

11. Avoiding bınges/munchies:

Out of everything, I would say avoiding bınges is the hardest psychological aspect to get past. I smºke 🍃 every night to sleep, so I be getting the munchies really bad sometimes, and sometimes it feels like there's only so much to do before my brain goes "fuck it" and starts ɛating everything in sight. These are basic, but here are the things that have worked the best for me consistently:

Sparkling water/flavored diɛt drinks. You get the satisfaction of having some sort of flavor on your tongue without the consequences of ɛating, and takes up room in your stomach to trigger fullness hormones.

Gum (especially mint flavor) tricks my brain into thinking I'm ɛating something + mint works as an appɛtite suppressªnt.

Staying busy is the biggest thing, always be doing something that is tedious or involves a lot of focus. I'm very easily distractable regardless, but the second I've really set my attention to one thing, I don't think about anything else. Read/listen to a book, get out of the house and wander for a bit, go for a drive, watch a movie, do a craft, online window shop, play a computer/mobile game, clean/organize. I will very frequently leave my house to wander aimlessly around a store just to get away from any fºod.

When in doubt, sleep it off. At night especially, I'm too lazy to really do all that much so if I feel like I'm going to lose my grip on reality, spark up another bowl and pass tf out. Can't ɛat if I'm sleepin'!

Chɛw/Spıt: I feel like this used to be more popular with ɛd ppl a few years ago but I hardly see anyone talk about doing it now. I do this mostly with mɛals I don't want to ɛat when I'm fªsting or with all the trash I would want to bınge on and it honestly works really well for me! You do probably end up consuming a very small amount of the cªlories, but I always make sure to spıt everything out really well and rinse my mouth/brush my teeth right after.

And that's all I think. Thank you for reading! I spent a lot of time on this so reblogs are appreciated! I hope some of this is at least somewhat helpful to anyone. If y'all have any questions, reach out! Please stay safe, help is always out there whenever you need it. Cheers!

[blkkizzat]

I've been a virgin all my life like im talking no masturbation either.

So i tried fingering since my friends said it worked for them and it hurts like a bitch like seriously how do people feel pleasured from this?!?! 🥶

so masturbation on a larger level is self-care so make it apart of a self-care routine... now i usually just take a clit vibe and bust one out (sometimes just to sleep cause insomnia a BITCH lol) but i have a whole routine if i wanna use my fingers or a dildo, etc.

more below~ hjdscdkjfhvskdj not me explaining in detail how i masturbate... lol oh well let's go...

ok so first. set the mood for yourself, especially if you want vaginal penetration it's all about being relaxed enough for it to be enjoyable.

so take a bath, put some nice smelling lotion on, get in your fav undies or if you feel better nude thats fine too. light a candle. grab some lube. if you partake in marijuana, shrooms or alcohol (wine goes straight to my puss) this is an option too, but NOT NECESSARY. but if that is apart of your self care already then include it.

put on some soothing sounds. if you dont have a fav then tantric frequency music works, actually i would suggest this because it will be less distracting and the frequency allows you to connect to your body more.

next take your time. idk if you ever really took the time to explore your body. just touch yourself. but not anywhere sexual so leave your kitty and tiddies alone for a while. you know how in winter if your car been outside you gotta warm it up before you can drive it? its like that.

pleasure is a total body experience, so get your entire body sensitive first. you can make yourself wet without even touching your coochie. dont rush. slow down and really identify how various touch feels. (you can even apply lotion if you want too or body oils if you like)

just close your eyes and trace your body with touch, press, poke, pull, tug, stroke, etc, with various amounts of pressure (feather touch to rough) on various parts. just find what feels good and do that. concentrate on the music and try to find a rhythm. finally when you get to the point you find yourself aching and rubbing legs together then you can start touching more obviously erogenous zones like tiddies and vag. this is important to wait though (the longer you do this the more sensitive you will be, i sometimes do it for 20-30 min of just exploring touch) because the longer you wait to touch the more sensitive and better it will feel.

start with touching your vulva/coochie lips, softly, do what feels good and dont rush. tease around the clit and entrance, but dont touch or penetrate yet. then once ive done that a while thats when you can start touching your clit. sometimes thats more than enough and you will just cum from that and if you dont want to go further dont force it.

its completely normal for initial penetration to hurt or be uncomfortable. even for non virgins if you have done it in a long time you are gonna tighten back up. lube comes in handy make sure to lather the area and fingers good. so its all about now what feels good but since everything is gonna be uncomfortable at first i would just put a finger in there and just be still. dont move it. just get used to it being in there, almost like you're cockwarming your finger fhkjhsdfjkhsdjk. but i do this when i move up dildo sizes and its uncomfortable. i will literally just leave it in there for a while. sometimes ill then disengage and do other things like be on my phone, grab my switch and play somethin hkfgfsdjkhfdshj. but the point is you are just allowing your body to adjust lol. then take it out, theres been times where i havent felt anything pleasurable to until i took it out and then my coochie is like "wait bitch we were comfy and full" and then i start craving it back in. thats when you can experiment with a little motion. or start rubbing at your clit to help. dont do too much too fast and honestly its probably going to take a few tries for you to really feel comfortable with it but the more you do it, the less you need to do to work yourself open and you will be comfortable with what your body needs.

the key is just finding what your body needs to feel good. also you might get emotional or overwhelmed or even cry. not from pleasure but if you've never really masturbated or really explored than your sacral/root chakra is probably a bit blocked. when you release that it can be a bit overwhelming sense thats a huge center for emotions. if you don't know much about it you can learn about it here and here more.

good luck babes!

[darkbluekies]

Silas asks #6

Previous one Concept: I've put multiple asks into one post to avoid too much loose posts on my account! This way, you have more to read too<3 Warnings: bruises, unhealthy relationships, mentions of marking silas up

What if I made silas a angry steak with vinegar 😡ok that sounded werid but here's the angry steak recipe 😂vinagear sauce, microwave that steak

He'll make sure all of your meals are cooked in dishwater.

What if after the "basement session" Silas find out that now the little thing has a really strong self harm tendencies? Like she start to bite herself, physical abuse herself and not only that! She start to call herself "dirty" (or smt) and her self esteem start to go down very fast. Is Silas will help s/o with it or he'll like it? Hope not the second option <;;:(

Of course he'll hate it :( he doesn't like when you're hurt, hence why he uses the basement as a punishment and not something physical. He hates to see painful marks on your body. He loves to see you painted in bruises, but not the ones that hurt. He'll make sure to tell you how beautiful and worthy you are so make sure that you know how much you mean to him. He'll dress you up in soft, fluffy clothes until you look like a marshmallow to make sure you won't hurt yourself.

"Come here, little thing, fuck, I love you so much. Please don't think like that. You know I don't want you to be hurt. I'll make sure you get well, I'll even call a doctor if you want ... I'll do anything to make sure you're happy, okay? Tell me what to do."

I was re reading your Valentine’s Day post with and I was wondering if he would be the type of yandere to buy his darling lots of clothes and made her spend hours trying them on in front of him? Ps you’re my favourite blog on this app, your writing is amazing and I’m always excited for your next post

[I did two valentines, but I'm guessing that you mean Silas? Thank you so much, btw that makes me so happy <3]

Of course he's the type to make you into his personal little runway model. He'll sit back in a chair and watch with dark eyes, loving everyhting you put on.

"And spin ... good job. I like that one. We'll get that one. What do you mean 'it's short'? It's supposed to be. I'm the only one who will see it anyway, so why does it matter? Try next one. I'm enjoying this."

Hey how are you? I just came back from school and was watching in the gym and saw some kids practicing taekwondo, so I was wondering how would Silas react to his darling knowing taekwondo and can be his ass? Would he be amused or frustrated I just wanted to know cuz I kept thinking about it for about an hour before saying it now. I hope you had a good day :) -new anon

[I'm doing good, thank you!!]

He'd be both frustrated and amused. He would be able to playfight with you and not have to worry about you hurting yourself, but he'd be worried that you would be able to escape him easier now. If you weren't showing any signs of running away, he'd not think much about it and would enjoy getting lessons from you. If you could teach him how to be as good as you, he'd be able to protect himself and you better.

"Like this? No? Y/N, seriously, teach me. Stop playing around."

How would Silas react to a reader with a bad light sensitivity disorder? Like irlen syndrome? I have it and it realy makes me feel isalated as no one elce i have met has had it in eny form (and i have move a LOT) if u dont want to do that what about an s/o who has dislexia? (As u can probarly gess i have that to. Life is so cruel 🥲)

Whatever problem you might be facing, whether it be physical or mental, he will be there for you. If you feel that it's hard to use your eyes, he will go to every doctor to try to find some kind of glasses to help you and if there are none, he'll be your eyes. The same with spelling and reading. He'll do everything for you. You don't have to lift a pretty finger :)

I would've spent all of babygirl silas money the first day tbh

my eye is twitching at that nicknAME

Hii I just read white bunny and I thought it was so good! It got me thinking about whether Silas would carry on treating the reader gently if they improved mentally or if he would go back to the way he was treating them before they ran away?

He would continue to treat them like he is. He's terrified of hurting you again and since you seem so happy when he treats you like this ... then he'll continue. Whatever you want, he'll do for you, don't worry about it. He's here for you ... always.

Hear. me. out.What if darling (s/o? Still don't know difference) ENJOY being in a basement (I am talking about Silas by the way) I mean, they (sorry i forget if s/o (darling) has a gender) think it's something like a minute just for them. No talking, no these annoying "baby" or "little thing", no forced touching. Just you ...and cold floor.

He'll be so pissed and change his tactics. You're not supposed to like his punishments! So you like the dark and quiet? No more of that. He'll be cuffing you two together and talking to you nonstop about how perfect you are and how he's going to keep you for as long as he wants to, aka really getting into your head.

I kinda want to bite Silas, he seem so chewy and acidic, green sour patch kid, especially his cheek, let me bite Silas, I need to bite Silas-

I mean ... he'd 100% like it so go ahead, leave some marks while you're at it.

[unlimitedhearts]

I’m dreading the third game of Spiderman might kill off Harry :/ either he’s goblin (solo or probably along with daddy-o) and dies a la Hero Sacrifice. Or kept comatose and in the end with grim results the decision is to pull the plug on him. idk I feel Harry’s fate is doom and gloom. But they could have killed Harry at the end of this sequel giving a strong motivation for Norman to be the Goblin and hatred for Spider-Man…yet they didn’t. idk rambling thoughts. What do you think?

Personally i can see both options. I saw someone in the tags of my last headcanon post say that it wouldnt make sense to save him from death in this game only to kill him in the next. On some level i get that, why wait when you could do it now?

I have two worst case scenarios in my head:

Harry wakes up from his coma w amnesia a la the third Tobey Maguire movie. Hes unaware of Pete being Spider-Man and Peter, thinking hes protecting Harry, wont tell him. This may cause a rift in their friendship when Harry finds out - or if Norman ends up going goblin and dies - Spider-Man is to blame in Harrys eyes and he'll go after him then. To me this is a tired trope of Harry getting an intense hatred for Spidey and wanting to kill him over his father. It always felt out of character for me and i truly TRULY hope they dont go this route.

Harry becomes the Kobold. In the comics, Kobold is essentially Harrys way of making the Green Goblin a good guy. If he still wants to fight by Peters side, he'll find a way to do it. Kobold would make a lot of sense to me personally, as it kind of continues their dynamic from this game. Then at the end theres a heros sacrifice to be made and Harry goes for it despite Peters protests. This would be lazy to me too though because he essential already did the heros sacrifice in this game. Seems like theyd just want us to have more time with him to love him even more, just to make losing him hurt worse. I wouldn't put it past an intrepid writer to think they could make it work, but it just seems lazy to me.

Actual best case scenario for me though? Harry wakes up as the g-serum is being injected. Hes against being his dads experiment all over again so he runs and finds Peter. Hes not aware of his pseudo-retirement, he just goes straight to the place thats always been his safe haven; Peters home. He asks Peter to hide him from his dad. Tries to explain everything but hes exhausted and frantic. Peter agrees and they take him into hiding.

Norman, ever the expert deflector, doesnt see this as a failing on his part. Hes convinced spider-man had something to do with his son escaping so he puts out a hit on him. Hes ready, willing, and able to capture and kill at least one of the two spider-men it doesnt matter. We see him pardon Wilson Fisk for this job, and when Fisk cant do it, he has to. Normans going to go Goblin. I know it, i can feel it in my bones.

Miles asks Peter to get back in action and he does. Fisk, plus potentially Otto again, plus this brand new villain in town is too much for any one person to handle. Heres where i see Harry becoming a "Guy In The Chair" for Peter like Ganke is for Miles. Two Guys in the Chair helping the spider-men is definitely better than one. I could also see Harrys goblin powers start to emerge but he keeps pushing them down. Last time he gave into power it didnt end well for anyone.

In an effort to not write out the entire plot of the game as i see fit (because itd be long and there are so many moving pieces and characters and IDEK WHERE THEYRE GONNA PUT SILK IN-), i think if Harry does take on the cowl he'll be doing so against his father. I think i see Harry becoming Goblin/Kobold to fight against Norman and ultimately try to help Peter/Miles. This is where i see Harry either accidentally killing Norman or Norman killing his son (and of course, blaming Spider-Man)

There is also room, in my mind, to bring back Venom a la Lethal Protector/Agent Venom. But tbh if they do, i would much rather Venom go to Eddie Brock or Flash Thompson. But thats just the separate Venom Fangirl Entity within me.

Ultimately my hope of course is that Harry not die and they dont go down that all too tired and hackneyed trope of Harry growing to hate Peter dor whatever reason. I truly TRULY hope they dont go that route it is just SO tired and lazy. I want them to stay close and loving. Whatever route they go with will be SO MUCH MORE IMPACTFUL if Harry Osborn lives and doesnt make a full 180 on his best friend for no good reason.

[safetycar-restart]

Ive been thinking about this for so long but dont know how down you are for semi angst, more like hurt/comfort headcanons... what are the boys apology styles like, say they say something they dont mean, i think of little charles just immediately bursting into tears as soon as he realizes what he saud, i see him as always sort of on the precipice to being little so i inagine when hes overwhelmed and he upsets mommy it just gets so much worse 😭

Little max on the flip side i see not being willing to admit what he did, i almost think of him as someone who just walks away, feelsbad and tries to silently make it up to you.i see his dom/mommy making him hold himself accountable though. I think it would honestly be a trauma response to his dad where he would just try to not stir the pot and move on, he also probably learned it from him cause i dont see that man apologizing... basically just like unlearning those behaviours so they can be healthy and happy together.

Id live to hear your thoughts on anyone else. i just dont have as certain feelings about the others in my head as these two ... exceot fir lando, hes a brat that takes ot too far repeatedly and then is a crybaby qbout it

I don’t know if it’s different people asking this style of question with littles or the same person but either way, I would die for you all of you I love this type of thing so much.

CHARLES:

All Charles wants, whether little or big, is to make his mommy happy, that's it. He tries so hard, but when he's little he's just so small and so vulnerable and there are so many things he can't do. He gets so overwhelmed very quickly, and it can lead to a meltdown very easily because the poor thing just doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't mean to be rude to his mommy, but everything is loud and scary and he doesn't know what to do and the next thing he knows, he's pushing you and away and yelling at you to stay away and curling in on himself. He doesn't mean it, he just doesn't know what to do or how to cope.

The actual meltdown doesn't matter the moment he's realised what he's done. Then he's having a whole other meltdown, crying his little heart out and begging for forgiveness, promising that he can be good boy, that he will be a good boy.

Of course you just hold him close and comfort him, promising him that you know he didnt mean it and was just overwhelmed. He sticks to your side for the rest of the day, like he's scared you might actually leave him if he can't see you at all times.

GEORGE:

I know you didnt mention George, but I want to talk about him because I think he would actually only apologise once he's in his adult headspace again?

He's so small when he regresses, mostly too small to even speak properly and far too small to realise that he might have hurt you with something. He can be quite fussy sometimes, especially when he's overtired and he just cant settle. He doesn't realise he's being difficult, and he really doesn't mean to, but he's just too small and can't express himself properly.

You two always get there in the end. And within an hour or two he's cuddled up in you arms, napping or listening to a story and being your sweet little boy.

But once he's back to his adult headspace, he'll remember how fussy he was and how much more work than usual he was and he'll come to you with his tail between his legs and apologise. Every single time he tells you that he understands if you don't want to be his caregiver anymore, which is absolutely ridiculous because that will never happen.

He'll often bring you flowers or chocolates or a book to say thank you for dealing with him, and he just loves you so so much.

MAX:

I definitely agree that Max really struggles to work through whatever he's done wrong. And yeah, it's absolutely a trauma response from his childhood. When max was younger, the only option when he made a mistake was punishment. That's it. There was no talking it through, no trying to understand or making it better. It was just instant punishment and being screamed it.

Because of this, max learned to hide whenever he had done something wrong because he didnt want to be punished like that. He would just try and make up for it in some other way.

Of course this usually fails because he cant properly take care of whatever has happened on his own. He's too small to clean up the milk he spilt or fix the picture he ripped or wash his dirty clothes. He needs you to do those things for him.

You can always tell when max has done something wrong or made a mistake, because he'll hide from you. Usually, max always wants to be with you. Not necessarily on top of you or even next to you, but he always wants to be able to see you and know you're close by. So if more than a few minutes have gone by with Maxie in a different room... then you know something has happened.

The first few times, max just starts sobbing instantly, so bad that you actually worry he might make himself sick. And it's over something that honestly doesn't warrant that reaction? He spilled some milk and now he's sobbing on the floor.

However, unlike Charles, you can't just clean up and comfort max, because he'll continue to feel bad and guilty and not let himself enjoy his time with you because he doesn't think he deserves it.

I think natural consequences would be best for max? He split his milk, so he doesn't get anymore milk. He had an accident, so he must help you clean up and then be in diapers, etc. You always talk it through with him very nicely and very slowly, praising him for being so good about it and helping him work through it all.

You're so proud of him the day he comes to you and tells you that he knocked over his sippy cup and now there is juice all over the floor, because he finally understood that he wouldn't be punished the way he was when he was younger.

[deripmaver]

WHY I AM A HATER OF THE APOSTLE CASCA THEORY!!!!!!!!!

lol ive alluded to it a couple times now and answered an ask about it but i MIGHT AS WELL write a whole post about why the apostle casca theory makes me really really mad lets fucking go

So let’s look at what we know about apostles.

Apostles are a morally neutral (though often in practice leaning towards evil) group of people who, for whatever reason, sacrificed someone (or a few people) that they loved to gain ultimate power, which is granted by the God Hand. Per the Berserk Wiki, they only have one absolute rule: Do as thou wilt.

This is a bit of a tangent, but the general tendency of apostles towards evil to me seems to go along with the overarching theme in Berserk that those with power are wont to abuse it, and to assert their power over those weaker than them. It’s not that apostles are inherently evil and especially the people who become apostles aren’t evil, but in becoming an apostle, they are more likely to act in evil ways, as is anyone who is given immense power. 

The apostles we meet range from sympathetic (Egg of the Perfect World, Rosine) to outright evil (Wylad). We know that apostles need to sacrifice someone that “defines their humanity” to be granted power by the God Hand, and often causality/the God Hand/whatever the hell will bring the person right up to the absolute brink, at their lowest, worst moment, when they offer the sacrifice as an option. While it’s ultimately the person’s choice to sacrifice (as Flora says, fate may push a person to the edge, but it is their choice to take the plunge), the God Hand will do everything they can to make the sacrifice the only real option. 

For Rosine, she sacrifices her abusive parents. For Grunbeld (the novel sucks but it’s technically canon), he sacrifices his dying friends at their behest. For Griffith, he sacrifices the Band of the Hawk when his body and mind are completely broken and he sees no other path to his dream. 

So that leads us into the Apostle Casca theory.

This would be using Guts’ behelit he’s been carrying around since the Black Swordsman arc, of course. It would be an interesting twist if the behelit was actually for Casca, because it knew Guts would lead it back to Casca, and it has been waiting for her darkest moment with her mind restored to activate. 

Up till now, there have been a few Darkest Moments for Casca: First, when Griffith was taken and she needed to take the BotH on the run. Next, the eclipse itself, where she was raped and all of her friends were murdered in front of her. There are a lot of Dark Moments that happened while she was regressed, but I think there’s absolutely going to be another Darkest Moment for her coming up as she struggles to come to terms with Griffith’s rape and the sacrifice of the BotH. Miura said he wanted to write a human reaction to trauma (see my previous meta lol) and that we shouldn’t expect things to be easy for Casca going forward, which I suppose we didn’t realize would be quite so literal with her being kidnapped and magically drugged in Falconia LOL. 

Without her support system, I can see her struggling to cope, and that could lead her on a very dark path. There’s also the fact that she had this complete loss of agency both in the assault itself and her mental regression, and I think it makes sense that the God Hand could tempt her with power that way, use the idea that this would protect her from ever being hurt again I actually have a very vivid picture in my mind of a conversation between Casca and Slan where this happens despite being a hater of this theory LOL dont @ me

So like, if I’m acknowledging that the Apostle Casca theory seems like a natural progression of where she is in canon, why do I hate it so much?

First off, who would she sacrifice? The easy answer is the Moonlight Boy, which if I may editorialize, I think people who support this theory hope she’ll sacrifice because it kills the possibility of a heteronormative nuclear family ending. I’ve never been concerned about that as an ending, though, because Miura clearly has a special distaste for the nuclear family as a source of abuse and trauma, so I don’t see a “the brand of the sacrifice hadn’t bothered them in years. All was well. Griffith Skull Knight Berserk, you are named after the two bravest men-”

Anyways.

There are a specific set of circumstances under which “good people” sacrifice their loved ones: They love them but they also kind of hate them (Rosine), they’re already dying (Grunbeld), or they think it’s necessary to achieve a loftier goal (Egg of the Perfect World, arguably Griffith lol I mean the goal was lofty to him). While anything could happen, the only one of those that I can see fitting for Casca’s sacrifice would be if the MB (or whoever really) is already dying. In her previous “Darkest Moments,” ie post-eclipse and after Griffith’s capture, Casca’s response was to turn inward, by mentally regressing bc she couldn’t cope with the trauma and by working herself ragged and refusing help from anyone until Judeau told her off and then also trying to kill herself. She yelled at Guts a ton during the GA, but during real moments of stress, she didn’t turn her anger outward onto other people. This, imo, makes it unlikely she’d sacrifice one of the biggest sources of comfort to herself currently, who also has protected her when she was unable to protect herself. It doesn’t fit with the way she’s interacted with the world so far. 

Where we are right now in the text, Apostles are a serious trigger for her PTSD. When Casca sees Guts for the first time, she immediately is tormented by visions of apostles. The second time they try to talk, she again sees demons and apostles beside him. Both times she goes absolutely catatonic with terror. And... She’s supposed to become one of them? 

Beyond these specific moments, there’s a general sense of fully associating apostles and demons with the eclipse. The second PTSD flashback in chapter 359 comes from her remembering Judeau and his death at the hands of the apostle, and in chapter 372 hearing the Falconia army referred to as the “Band of the Hawk” makes her cry even through being drugged. Casca watched all of her friends die in front of her during the eclipse before her own assault, and it’s clear that still weighs heavy on her mind, and it’s something Miura has said she needs to come to terms with. At this point in the text, I cannot imagine her opening up a rift, bringing forth apostles and demons as we’ve seen in the sacrifices so far, and watching whoever she sacrificed be eaten by demons just as all her fallen friends were. I think right now she would consider that a betrayal of the memory of her friends.

I’m also simply not sure what could bring her to a state where she’d be ok with it, even if her capture in Falconia goes on and on. Casca’s always had a serious moral compass but more importantly has never been a character who craves power, and so I think it would take far more than what’s happening to her now to abandon that and work with the creatures who assaulted her and killed her friends. 

Which I suppose brings me to my final point: You know who grants apostles power? The God Hand. Who’s a member of the God Hand? Griffith. GRIFFITH. CASCA’S RAPIST.

I can see a very specific scenario where, for whatever reason, Griffith is in conflict with the rest of the God Hand, and that’s when the other members approach Casca to use her as a weapon against him. They would manipulate her through her trauma and ask if she wants to be powerful enough to stand against him, or maybe even say this is necessary to protect MB. Now THAT would be interesting, though some of my issues with this theory remain. 

Otherwise, though, it would be the full God Hand, Griffith included, who would be granting Casca the apostle powers - and then Casca would be working with not only him but the other apostles and the demons who assaulted her. Genuinely lol, if this has been considered and accepted by people who support the Apostle Casca theory, to me it’s no different than any dudebro on r/berserklejerk talking about how Casca is a Griffith simp and is gonna cuck Guts by going back to him. Casca’s upcoming arc is going to be about facing up to the trauma Griffith caused her, and I think it would be a shockingly gross conclusion to that arc to have it be she works with the man who betrayed and raped her. 

In Conclusion the way Casca is written, and the specific way it’s been made clear apostles come to be, I find the Apostle Casca theory really insensitive. I do need to be clear, I think it’s likely that Casca might need a supernatural powerup at some point - and anything is possible. 

Berserk is full of twists and turns, and I think it could happen that Casca could become an apostle in a way that isn’t offensive, and doesn’t have her working side by side with HER RAPISTTTTT LSDKJHGLKSDJHFNLVKSJDHFLKSJ ok I’m calm. I think the need to reclaim power after assault, and the sort of false promise apostle-dom has canonically given to powerless, abused people (Egg of the Perfect World, Rosine) could make for a very tragic story arc, but it would need to be done very sensitively, and really again I think any apostle Casca story that has Griffith granting her apostle powers would be so gross. 

The way things are, currently, in canon make it a very difficult theory for me to stomach. 

[loop-deloo]

helloooo i keep being so late. but i'm working on it. also this was sooo much longer than it should be but oh well. sorry

For prompt “burn” @wolfstarmicrofic

Cw injury, blood, broken bone

“Sirius, Sirius, Sirius,” Remus grits out. He’s reaching desperately for his leg. It’s mangled and bent and some of the skin is ripped and jagged. Honestly, a lot of what Sirius wants to do is run, find some place to throw up everything in his body, turn into Padfoot, and run far away. But Remus is pleading with him. His eyes are down turned, his face is white and tense, and his nose is scrunched in a way that is about as far from adorable as Sirius has ever seen it, “Sirius, please, I dont– I—fucking hell—Sirius, please, it burns so much, please do something.”

Sirius finally gets his wits about him. Remus hadn’t passed out at all or even really been groggy after the transformation. He had gone straight from snarling beast to screaming boy to a pleading, writhing mess of blood and skin. Peter had run off immediately to get Pomfrey. He had touched Sirius’ shoulder but ultimately left it to James to knock some sense into him. Sirius drops to his knees, not even having the forethought to step closer first, “Moony,” he chokes out. He crawls towards Remus and reaches for his hand, “Ok, ok– Merlin, ok, it’s going to be ok, I promise,” Remus had latched onto Sirius’ hand hard and locked eyes with him. Sirius had never seen him so scared, it would be terrifying if Sirius wasn’t already literally shaking.

James had at some point—angel that he is—gone to get their box of supplies for the worst case scenario and settled down looking a little lost, “Sirius? I don't–”

“We need to stop the bleeding.”

“Ok. …how?” James was holding a thick white bandage in one hand and his wand in the other.

Sirius was admittedly a little stumped. He had taught himself some basic medical spells and muggle tricks but he was far from confident in anything he’d learned. He knew that Remus was losing a lot of blood and that was decidedly bad. But he also knew that the bone had to be reset and the ruined skin repaired, all of which was far more advanced than his simple “episkey". 

Remus squeezed and Sirius didn’t know if it was encouragement or a request to please speed up but he looked down and brought his free hand to Remus’ face, “Hey,” Remus looked back at him with wide eyes, “Hey, I need to do something and fast but I think it's going to really, like really hurt and I need to know if that’s ok.”

Remus looked a little… broken, if Sirius is being honest and that is cleaving his heart in two but he doesn’t have many options. 

“I trust you,” Remus says simply. Sirius was unsure if that was all he had the energy for or if he meant it but it was terrifying either way.

“Oh god.” Sirius looked up to the cracked ceiling of the Shrieking Shack and steeled himself, “James, we have to wrap his leg.”

“Please tell me it’s going to be some other way from literally picking it up and wrapping thai around it because I think muggles are grand but Moony will either pass out or actually kill me and neither are at the top of my bucket list.

“No no, I know this spell. It’s still sort of being developed but performed well it can splint bones, and relieve a bit of pain. If done adequately… uh, hopefully it’ll keep him from bleeding out.”

“Ok, um, yeah, ok that sounds, like better than what I was thinking.”

“Ok, I need you to find a belt for Moony to bite down on, please and um, maybe come hold his other hand? I don't want him to squeeze so hard he cuts his hand,” He looks back to Remus, “You doing alright, Moony? Does that sound ok? A splint and maybe some relief?”

“God, yes. Uh… yeah. Uh huh, Pads I think I’m slipping–” he gasps his next breath, “slipping a bit.”

“Ok baby, I know it hurts so much but I need you to please please stay awake if you can, I don’t know what else is wrong and Pomfrey should be here soon.”

“Ok, ok, I’m trying, I’try’n, Iswear.”

“We’re going now, it’s gonna get a little better, here we go.” Sirius takes a deep breath again, just one moment, checks and double checks the name of the spell, readies his wand, triple checks, points his want, deep breath, “ready?”

“Ready,” come two breathy voices.

“Ferula,” white bandages run from the Sirius’ wand and wrap themselves mostly tightly around Remus’ leg. Sirius is feeling a moment of relief, not even, before Remus shouts.

“Oh fuck, oh Merlin, oh God, oh oh oh, it fucking hurts oh my god.”

Sirius holds tight to his hand and he can see James do the same. They exchange a look, James asking if it works, Sirius responding that he thinks so, thought so. They both return their gazes to Remus, the aggressive writhing has subdued and the volume of his exclamations has lessened. Sirius can now clearly see the tear tracks on Remus’ face and wants to cry himself.

“Re? Moony? I need you to tell me what’s wrong. Is it worse? Should I take them off?” The bandages themselves actually did a pretty good job. The leg looked mostly straight, he wasn’t sure about the cuts and scrapes but at least everything isn’t exposed to the elements now. Some parts of the bandage are a bit looser than others, it’s not the most even, and blood is already seeping through but still.

Remus’ cries quiet down more, he��s slowly relaxing, far from relaxed but less and less of the frightened animal posture he had been keeping since he transformed. He gasps out and then, “it’s better, it still kind of burns and god the bone doesn’t feel right but it’s better.” He breathes.

Sirius breathes. He hears the willow still from a distance and he holds tight to Remus’ scarred hand and he tries to remember to breathe.

[heiluceen]

You have some things a little twisted, I left you as a friend because you lied to me. I came back because I missed you and, you told me the truth saying you wouldn't lie anymore. You've walked out of my life three times now because of what you've had going on and, assumed everything about me instead of what I was telling you. I've been up front with you, and have told you my boundaries. I asked you the questions I needed to ask, and you wouldn't give me any actual answers other than I don't know or maybes. Anytime I asked yes or no questions and you gave me a no absolutely not I never brought it up again, you just try and hint at what you want instead of being straight up with what you want. What you needed to think more about for character development, remember? But it's good, I'm glad this helped you make sure of your decision. I'm glad this made you tell me what you actually want too because thats all I wanted, if you would of said all of this before I would of been good with it but instead you couldn't give me straight answers and danced around the truth. I was hurt because you unfriended me because we have slept together and talked about throuples, that you apparently have no interest in which you never actually clarified to me until now even though weve known eachother for 4 years, I have feelings for you but I plan to be with someone I'm already committed to and love still. You could of said no, that's all but were too shy, or nervous, or anxious to just say no but if you said no I dont want want that dont bring that up, I would have respected that. You said I could still make you smile so it was okay to flirt.. except now its not?You're still friends with another who you've slept with and talked throuples with who also ended it with you. You're still following another who you kissed recently and has feelings for you. I was upset. I have reason to be. I've never stopped being friends with you because of someone's view of you or warped understandings of you. I left because you lied to me about what you knew about someone unfriending me. I missed you, you apologized, I forgave you, and told you next time I'd talk to you before stepping away if that was needed.

I've watched you pick others over me and yourself time and time again, people you think you deserve instead. There I was though, still wanting to be picked and never judging your choices or letting my want of being picked get in the way of you and what you actually want for your happiness. Thats the thing, I would never control you because its you who I love, even if its not me.. you deserve someone who wants to work with you not control you. If you wanted others in your life then so be it, because that's what you want and I love you. I give unlimited options because I want you to get what you want, I was trying to work with you but you never tried to work with me. You rather kick me to the curb for someone you want to love you instead, they never will though. These people you yearn for, never yearn for you but to control you for their own selfish wants. I was here, asking and standing up for what you want.. trying to help you figure out what you love and want, not push what I want for you onto you. If you wanted me how I wanted you, then I would give you an option to explore the west coast like youve told me youve wanted in the past... If you didn't, then you could of forgot about the option because I was just offering so you could have the options, as I love you for you and whatever you end up choosing. I would of fought anyone who tried to take you from my life, because even if we are just friends I love you and want you in my life but it seems you rather be controlled by others fears than to fight for me in yours. So I am respecting your wishes, I won't get in your way again.

I asked if I could put you on speaker and you said no, so I didn't. I asked you questions so I wouldn't push things on you and, once you said no I respected that. I mentioned a throuple and you told me the reasons you don't like men, I told you we wouldn't do or move foward with anything you weren't comfortable with, you said you couldn't see it working because of past complications but never said you just didn't want to until now. So thank you for finally telling me; And showing me, I'll never actually matter even as a friend if there is someone you rather hook up with that treats you like shit but I make them uncomfortable. I shouldn't even make them uncomfortable because if you didn't want this then why is there a reason to jealous, there isn't. I just want you happy and I see that's not with me in any form so that's okay, I really wish you nothing but the best in the future.

Here you are leaving because you see an ex, or because you don't want me to have space even though you just had space, or because someone who is mentally abusive to you is uncomfortable with me. I see my worth to you. Seems we both got the closure we needed. I love you, good luck.

[zak-writes]

i miss loving someone so much i couldn't breathe.

it's nice to have my lungs clear but i dont like them hollow.

people tell me its okay not to love anyone and i guess it is. there's a whole community there of people who are like me. i see them sometimes, talking about not feeling love and i think, yeah, me too.

but i used to feel like that. i spent five years suffocating at the thought of someone i couldnt touch and then five months wondering if this is really what everyone was talking about. i couldn't feel it. or maybe i could and i just didn't enjoy it.

i think i just like attention. i can get that from anywhere. im not pretty but i can be funny if i try. sometimes i write something that strikes a nerve and its never something i care about.

the things i put effort into seem to fail and the things i give up on succeed. maybe that's why im still here. i quit trying six months ago and no one seems to have noticed. i can float through life and get by fine.

at least she punched walls. at least she threw things. at least she hurt people. who am i? some shadow of a broken little girl, stuffed into a mans body that only feels right when other people acknowledge it.

i start trying to write how i feel down and i get stuck. i dont feel anything about him, three years later. some men really are just a guy. if i think back i cant identify what it was that got us here. he seems to think we're a miracle but i never believed in those.

he doesn't know what to get for my birthday. i asked him to name three of my interests and he named two. i got to seven of his before i got one wrong. he didnt tell me he stopped listening to that podcast. i didnt tell him i hurt myself again.

maybe its just an idea of it. i like the idea of it more than what could actually be. having to put effort into someone else is too far.

most people who feel nothing have a reason. i dont do drugs and i only drink on occasion. im not depressed, i dont think. i get out of bed - eventually - and i go to work and i do my assignments and i talk to my friends.

i dont know what people are talking about when they describe their hobbies. i dont do things for fun. i do them because if i dont make things all the time, things people can see, it was like i was never here.

i get asked a lot what my speciality is. i dont know what they mean. im doing this degree because it was the easy option, but also because i like all of it. its all interesting. how can you choose a favourite part? how do you decide which bit is worth putting the extra effort in?

am i just lazy? am i already a corpse? they say you get your final death when someone speaks your name for the last time. i keep shooting the little girl inside of me but people are still saying her name. i dont want her to die. i say her name in my head all the time. she screams at me. i think thats fair.

i know i love her. if nothing else, i love her. she didnt know any better. she didnt know what she was doing to me. i dont think she could conceive of me existing.

for her there was just then. for me there is the next thing. the job and the house and the children i might have. i could love a child. i love every child i meet.

so many people looked at me and saw something they could hurt. every time i look at a kid i think, how?

i love the house i grew up in. i dont have a bedroom anymore.

i love my siblings. they never call me.

i love my friends. i forget their birthdays.

i forget everything. sometimes i say the names of my dead family and i dont remember what they look like. i want to carve their names into a tree so they cant die. i want to set the world on fire.

you can love nothing and everything at the same time i think. maybe that's the point.

[mihai-florescu]

Mihai. Mihai my enstars professor mutual. What the heck is going on with ryuseitai

Ok so i read some liveblogs but i havent read comet show or submarine so a lot of references to those were lost on me (im waiting for them to come to engstars) and thus im not the best professor for this story.

But the tldr is that there's an agency in Okinawa (same place Submarine was held in during the ss arc), Crimson Production, that opposes ES's monopoly and that's where a bunch of ex ryuseitai kids have gone to (theyre called Antistars). Tetora goes to help these kids and the media publicizes it as him leaving Ryuseitai. Shinobu goes to find out the truth, talks to Tetora about the opposing ideologies, the next day the news state that he also left Ryuseitai. So the rest of the group go to Okinawa to see what's up. They trespass, Tetora and Chiaki have an argument and fight, but dont worry, Tetora is a spy on the inside of CrimPro and needed to make his loyalty to them believable. Chiaki opens up to Tetora about his time in the war (i realise as i type this how ridiculous this game sounds to an outsider...)

This was a distraction for Kanata and Midori to find and free Shinobu, and to find papers to destroy the company. They get caught. The 5 are reunited inside the agency and Tetora reveals he is a spy for ES but he does genuinely want to help the antistars kids who are mistreated by CrimPro for being former ES idols. So CrimPro are evil and need to be destroyed but im a bit confused at this part ngl. Something something yakuza something something they actually kill people so it's super dangerous (i think this part has a callback to Submarine that im not getting). They cant go to the local police cuz the organization has inflitrated it so the only option for Ryuseitai is to renounce ES and join CrimPro.

While making the announcement theyre actually sending ES secret messages, dangerous stuff if they get caught. Theyre gonna hold a live for CrimPro which is a distraction for ES to intervene, and while theyre preparing for that, Tetora has a self hating monologue about his own skills and merits. He's not being self sacrificial bc he's a hero but bc he doesnt mind putting his life in danger::::)

At the live they discuss about roles and who's the leader. Tetora cant become Chiaki, but he can be his own person with his own skills, and like this maybe he can even surpass Chiaki. They keep their colors but those expectations of having to fill in Chiaki's shoes are going away. So anyway, back to the live, Ryuseitai had secretly sent back to Eichi evidence to condemn CrimPro and now he's ready to bust them down (i dont know if Eichi is there personally with the police or if he's just in charge from above... i assume the latter?)

They tell themselves that they're not harming people but just destroying the environment where the evil had spread (Chiaki compares it to the war, but i think he's being idealistic...people Did get hurt in the war too. There's a cenotaph for the students who killed themselves afterall...) And uh. Then we get to the epilogue, that I haven't seen translated yet. I assume they're successful (imagine if we went through all of this only for someone to die lmao)

So. Ta daa. Thats it. Erm. I know this isnt new to enstars but i feel like things have felt more dangerous and high stakes, especially in the ss arc and 1.5 (negi just. Faked being shot by a hitman. That shit was traumatizing. This is set after that). I dont really know what other stories we could get of Ryuseitai set in our current year if im being honest. This felt like Climax yknow?

Well, im looking forward to translations of this story cuz im not entirely clear on everything just with the livetweets. And looking forward to reading comet show and submarine when they come to the english server. Hope this was helpful^_^

[faint-frankie]

（ 11-15-2024 ） daily post? idk how often i’ll do this.

tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz

f; Mikey/Frankie - host

— art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )

i'm so behind in this class 😭 im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk

next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)

speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage

uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn y’all im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE 😒

my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!

ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option

last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. i’ve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? they’re slowly getting more personal and realistic and i’m actually so scared that’s a sign.. cuz i’ve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/

im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(

— urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )

ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.

oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...

f; Khris & co; Johnnie

— lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )

i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT

our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll

some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee

someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.

i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN

— asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4th )

i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/

ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit

f; Loretta

I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.

f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta

BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND

i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself

— media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )

i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke

my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi

im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home

im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.

okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit

if you actuallt read this, thank you:3

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

this is another I'm gonna talk about my own life post because I don't have anywhere else I can talk about it and I'm seriously struggling atm, if you don't want to read it that is okay I will not be offended :)

I do not know what I wanna do with my life and I am so miserable and I feel like im a failure

I'm failing Uni, I can't seem to get a job, I am so lonely! I do have friends but I feel most of them are the type of friend to do fun stuff with and not the type to sit with me and talk with me as I go through whatever is happening to me rn

I feel hopeless and I'm just so so so so so tired and I don't know what to do anymore

My mother and I had a huge argument earlier and she hasn't apologised and it's insane to have seen her since just being normal and like it didn't happen, it's ruined my day, possibly my week, and she's just happy that she "won" because I ended up sobbing. Good job Mum!!!! Way to go!!!! She wonders why I really wanna move out? It's a mystery!!!! I cannot possibly think of why!

She criticised everything about me.

She was going on about how I hate home and my family, which I mean, I do, but I haven't told her that because I interact with my family as little as possible to prevent these fucking arguments. She thinks I hate it here because I often get irritated with the people in my household, but that just happens when you live with people. I do hate it here but she makes it out that I constantly parade around going 'it's awful here I hate it so much and I hate you all' when I don't, I just sometimes get annoyed with my living situation when not at uni because of how drastic a change it is and I much prefer living nearer to a big city to this rural area that I have to deal with at home - "I don't know why you've come home to be honest" I quite literally had no other choice, but right now, living on the streets of Liverpool seems like it would actually be the better option.

I have expressed that after Uni I would like to move out straight away if possible and I'm continuously having that used against me. Sorry I have plans for after Uni I guess? Sorry I don't wanna live in the middle of fucking nowhere for the rest of my life? Sorry that I actually want to get out into the world after you tried SO desperately to stop me going to Uni at all?

It is so evident that my parents had my sister and I because they wanted children who were the carbon copy of them and now that we aren't, it's a problem!

She's constantly on at me about Uni as if I'm not trying! I am!!! If I didn't care about Uni, I would give up. I am not someone who perseveres unless I actually want to - I quit doing Tae Kwon Do *just* before I got my black belt. I was so close but because I didn't actually want to do it anymore, despite the fact that all I had to do was persevere for a bit longer, I stopped because it was no longer bringing me joy.

I LOVE Uni! I love learning, I love lectures, I love education, I love expanding my knowledge!! I just have a hard time applying what I have learned when it comes to doing so and I keep on getting seen as lazy and not as struggling, when I am struggling, but I feel like im someone who wants to prove I CAN do it despite all of the struggles but it's seeming harder and harder and I feel like if I asked for help from Uni when I haven't up to this point, I'd get made fun of even though I know I wouldn't.

I hate arguing with my mother because she does what my dad thinks he can do. When my dad and I argue, it's meaningless shouting that I pay no attention to. My mum knows what to say to hurt me.

Next, she made fun of the fact that I have that club night that I really enjoy going to. I am a bit obsessed with it, I will admit, but that's because it brings me so much joy. I dont have a tattoo for it for no reason. I feel like I belong there and that people actually enjoy being around me there and it gives me something to look forward to going to in the near future, instead of waiting months for gigs I have tickets to. She said "it's all you care about, it's all you talk about" - a bit yeah. It's the only in real life thing that brings me that much joy. My parents complain when I unhealthily obsess over celebrities, when I was a teenager thye were begging me to go out and talk to people instead of only watching Dan and Phil - I am now obsessed with something that gets me out of the house and being sociable and that gets criticised too.

During the argument we had, any time I said something she had said or done had hurt my feelings, she said, "well it's not like that" or "you've taken that the wrong way" or "I didn't mean it like that". She "knows" and "understands" me and is "willing to listen to and help me" - all she knows about me is that I like Dan and Phil, The Beatles, and the club night that I go to, and any time I've tried to speak to her about anything, it ends up in an argument similar to (but not as intense as the one we had) today.

I said something about my dad and she said she'd speak to him about it and I asked her not to and she said ok she won't, last time that happened where I said something and she said she'd speak to my dad about something and I asked her not to and she said she wouldn't, she lied about doing so!!! She had talked to him!!! and she wonders why I don't fucking tell her anything!!!!

The massive argument we had today started because ive been complaining about my lack of sleep recently, I haven't slept well at all since I got home from Uni. I was getting like 9-12hrs of sleep a night at Uni, here I get 4-6hrs and ive tried cutting down on caffeine, I've tried waking up early with an alarm so that I'm tired in the evening so I go to sleep earlier, I've tried going on walks to physically tire myself out and I just cannot sleep for more than 4-6hrs and it's really taking a toll on me. I was complaining about it and I, of course, was met with my mother saying "well I don't sleep much and I just have to get on with it" and we had a bit of a disagreement but nothing major.

I've started journaling recently, just in a notebook from the shop - nothing fancy with a lock or anything, because I have always really struggled with being sad/angry/upset (probably because negative emotions have always been criticised in this household!) and I'm trying journaling as a way to deal with those emotions in a healthy way - rather than keep those feelings in and get more worked up and more sad/angry/upset as a result of not having an outlet. The minor argument/disagreement about me frustrated with not being able to get decent sleep bothered me enough to journal it, so i started journaling it and my mother said "go on and slag me off in your book". I am being criticised for dealing with how she made me feel, in a healthy way, because she doesn't like the idea of being spoken about negatively. I got the notebook and started journaling for this exact reason, so that rather than unload feelings to a friend, fpr example, I could journal them so that I got them out but also noone else has to know - and I'm still criticised. Whenever she's ever seen/heard me express how I feel about an argument or a disagreement I've had with her, she's always had a problem with it. Am I not allowed to feel?

There is so much tension and anger in this household and I feel like im walking on a tightrope that might snap constantly. There is no physical abuse, I should say for the sake of clarity, I am not in immediate danger - there's just so much that's not spoken about and I feel we all are always avoiding certain topics of conversation because everyone will end up shouting and screaming at eachother at a moments notice.

Moving to Uni where that worry is no longer, to then move back to this, sucks so much.

I have seen what a happy life is for me and for me to be truly happy, I need to move out of my family home for good. I need to. I think people I know think I am exaggerating/miss the independence and freedom of Uni when I say that, but I am so serious when I say I will not ever be truly happy under my parents roof. I cannot live here for longer that I absolutely have to. I am so miserable.

[moidse]

2/1/24

Fuck. I had another dream last night where someone super cute is hitting on me. What was wild was in this dream that hot person... it was like i was in school it felt like high school and i noticed this hot person and like later in the dream im around them again and they are just very forward and tell me they have a crush on me and i say something back like, omg i've been trying to ignored how hot you are in my head... something like that and then i immediately say, oh for transparency, I am in a monogamous relationship. And i dont rememeber what the person said but they were like a lil disappointed. But i was soooo into them in the dream i woke up from my alarm to check slack and was so annoyed that i woke up right after that and i stayed in bed til 1pm cuz of it.

Like jeezuz, whenever i have these dreams it messes me up for at least a full day... its like similar to if i see someone super hot ikr that fucks with my head. but what was crazy about this dream, cuz lets be real i have been having more and more dreams like this over the past few years... dreams where someone super cute hits on me or im vibing with someone super cute and its like i have a dream girlfriend or new crush thats into me and im so excited and happy and feeling all these feelings and then i wake up and feel sad that i dont feel those feelings anymore. I feel sad that its been so long since ive felt those feelings. I clearly deeply miss feeling the excitement and rush and whorlwind of emotion that is having a crush like you back. I miss feeling sooo deeply sexually attracted to someone that the sex just regularly makes me cry. I miss feeling that passion and anytime i'm reminded of the fact that that feeling has been missing in my life my mind starts to spiral.

What am I to do with these feelings? I feel like my options are bringing this up and having them panic but being transparent. I don't really know what next steps of that convo would be except just like hey im definitely have been less and less into this over the years and idk at what point i should stop and admit to myself that i really wish i could be hitting on other people. God its so sad how fucking sad i get when i get super turned on my someone because i know i dont feel that in my own relationship and its depressing.

Like, i get that relationships fizzle out over time but ours like immediately did for me. It hurts to think about but its true that its been so many years, fucking going on 5 years since ive had amazing sex, made someone cum, felt super hot and good about myself and my sex life... like its crazy. But its just like our lives are so interwined at this point its just scary to think of how we can live apart. I do really like them and care about them which is also what makes it hard. its not like we don't do well together caring after each other... its just like can i really also carry this deep sadness? How many more years am I going to be carrying this sadness and feel so disconnected with myself.

I feel like i lost my sense of self. I am my relationship. I miss when i was my own self. I feel like i worry about every little thing in social senerios because im not that happy in my life and i dont want ppl to know that. So i just dont go out and dont open up to ppl. Cuz i dont want them to know how i feel disconnected and not into anything.

I was thinking .. what if i open up and say hey i had this dream last night and its really been weighing on me. I've been having dreams like this more and more and i know i tried to tell you this before and you brushed it off, but to me its clear that im having these dreams because i wish i could be flirting and dating other people. Which like, idk how you feel, are you interested in flirting/dating other people at all? Do you ever miss that? Because i do. Like, everything mostly works in our relationship but i always feel like i want to be dating other people. It's hard because i feel conflicted because we do work so well together. I'm like is that enough for me? Is it stupid to throw away a relationship that is very meaningful and having to spedn months uprooting my life so that i can eventually start sleeping with other ppl again.. ... ... damn just thinking about being able to sleep with other ppl seems soooo nice :( ... i miss it. ... and like i know i'll be salty when im rejected a million times and have bad experiences but when you get a good one its so good. and im annoyed ive never gotten to cruise here or go on dates. like im in big city and ppl think im hotter here and FOR WHAT?! i dont even get to taste the local cuisine.

[bye-bye-firefly]

Okie! I’m going to try to think of a request! I once again do not know what this request shall be. I’m going to look through some of your notes for ideas.

Alright, maybe for the purposes of making characters filled with Sleep Deprivation, (because I’ve found that I really like how you write sleepiness, promise next time I’ll try to ask for something different!) there could be a sleepover. And there can be Miu with all her little inventions and one sec. Gonna look at that one poll thingy with the tables.

Found it! There could be Kokichi and Kiibo too. And they have a lot of those cool candles with really obscure names there for some reason? Maybe they just bought them or made them or maybe they’re just There and no one knows why. I dunno??

Also I think it should be noted that I went and googled stuff about the late 2000s and I found out cereal straws are a thing??? Like straws that you eat??? I did not know about this. It was very shocking. The cocoa krispies ones kinda look like those chocolatey stick things that have soft chocolate insides, can’t remember what they’re called, and it made me really crave those.

Anyway, I think that’s it! Sleepover ft. Candles. If it doesn’t seem fun, feel free not to write it. Not like there’s much of a point if there’s no enjoyment being gained! Also, are there like any things in particular that you’ve been interested in writing about? I’ve already asked about your favorite things but like I wanted to ask more questions about stuff you like.

(Btw, thank you for the reassurances that you wouldn’t yell at me, it did actually make me feel better!)

nothing is really hitting me right now regarding how to go with this idea but maybe it'll hit me later. for right now i dont think ill go with it BUT im glad you asked anyway! its always good to ask ^_^ plus i might return to it and make a version of it

and stuff ive been interested in writing...well as always sleep deprivation and eventual sleep (which is basically hurt/comfort which is WHYYY hurt/comfort is my favourite trope. this threw my friends for a loop when we did like a friend quiz for funsies but to be so fair to them i did include sleepy boys as an option which i threw in as a trick answer) but also i just love horror. i like writing unsettling shit yo which is why in recent years all ive been writing is horror. but even in my early days as a fic writer i was writing horror like propaganda is a drama and a horror fic but its not really psychological and its not as overbearing as some of my newer work (some of which is also. not published yet...)

other stuff . other stuff i like to write. trying desperately to remember all the things i like to write. uh. illness. sick fics are good. its why i had like multiple chapters in nameless have either kokichi or shuichi be sick

okay heres the thing is im obsessed with a few concepts and im going to just ramble under the cut about those things and these are things that like form everything i write and create and think about and how i see the world OKAY? okay

so the first thing has to do with tlou1 and it kind of goes hand in hand with the illness but only KIND OF. so you know that joel gets hurt and then goes into a bit of a Coma while he recovers but i dont give a shit about that i care about ONE THING. joel gets hurt right. ellie pulls him up. and hes STILL fighting. hes STILL pushing himself for HER. and she is this little kid and she can barely hold her own but shes gonna fucking try so you have joel stumbling through while hes losing blood and. theres this one part. if you remember this. where joel stumbles and almost falls over and ellie goes, "here, lean on me." and he goes "No." and she goes "well can you walk?" and he goes "Yes!" and shes like "then fucking walk!" and she lets him walk even though he can barely walk in a straight line let alone stand up because they respect and trust each other but she is still obviously scared that shes about to lose him and hes scared that hes about to lose her and i love that bit of the game so much. the way joel is barely able to move and do anything and therefore you as the player are barely able to do anything to help ellie and you feel so helpless and she can STILL hold her own and you are STILL a team and you are FIGHTING so FUCKING HARD and youre NEARLY THERE!!! and joel ONLY lets go when they are safe. he only falls over when he knows they are safe. he physically cannot go on any longer even though he wants to. THAT is a scene and concept ive written privately for like my own characters and even for nameless though that scene was never popped into the story. i like seeing gravely injured characters fight so hard for the people they care about, and then i love being able to see the people they fought hard for scared that they might not make it. theres so much care and devotion and LOYALTY in that and i love using it for like parent-child duos or even ships like. the Versatility. this is everything to me. and like. who WOULDNT do that for someone they care about? who WOULDNT risk their life to save someone they love? who WOULDNT hold on for a little longer for them?

okay next thing. this is something that comes from tlou2 which i dont believe youve actually seen because penny hasnt played it completely . ..? i think ? ? i havent caught up with the streams...but anyway im gonna talk in vague terms about this but basically. ive talked about this in a note before i know i have. but theres this whole long conversation between joel and ellie that ends with ellie being like "i shouldve died in that hospital. my life wouldve fucking MATTERED." and joel tells her, "if god gave me a second chance in that moment...i would do it ALL again." and when you go through tlou2 you know just what that means. its all the pain. and despite everything, he would do it again and he says this to her face when she is at her angriest, her most bitter, and she says. and this has ALWAYS made me cry and im like tearing up thinking about it she says "i dont know if i can forgive you for that. but...i would like to try." and ever since i saw that scene i can say for certain that has like changed me fundamentally like this has shaped me and tlou1 has shaped me. its just. god. GOD!!! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT. BUT...I WOULD LIKE TO TRY. DO YOU GET IT??? im loinsg it im losing my MIND its the love its the capacity for forgiveness for something that to you is only unforgivable and THATS what tlou2 is about as well people may tell you its the revenge is bad game but its ALWAYS about forgiveness and they dont get it like i do and its tragic and at the same time provides closure and its bittersweet and its that bittersweetness that i love and i love writing scenes and stories that are essentially just i dont know if i could ever forgive you for that, but i would like to try. we hurt each other so much and so often we hurt the people we love unintentionally and its so hard to forgive and sometimes it takes a long time to get to the point where we can. and sometimes we cant forgive. sometimes we never get to that point. but i think its beautiful to try for someone you love too much to lose. i think its really beautiful.

and finally. this goes kind of hand in hand with everything ive written here. im just fixated on the idea of fighting through people or something destructive right like this person is fighting so hard through something covered in blood or muck and the dust settles and theyre shaky and they see the person they were fighting so hard for and they just relax and gather them up in their arms and its the knowledge that theyre okay, its okay............not having to fight anymore is what its all about at the end of the day. and that also leads to eepies

but at the end of the day its all about love really. everything adds up to effort and love

[catfish-and-the]

rnating. u can scroll past

i dont even kno where to begin everything is just bad and everything aches and everything is empty and each waking moment just feels Bad and its hard to sleep and the Bad feeling wakes me up in the middle of the night and its the first thing i feel when i wake up is just Bad and e mpty and its been over a month and when i say ive tried everything to feel better like i have lmao ive tried all thrhee types of antidepressants and ive tried nicotine and weed and positive reflection and gratefulness exercises and not self h*rming and doing physical exercise ive tried going out to socialize more often and scheduling time out for hobbies and ive tried surrounding myself with the color yellow and eatinng a better diet and keeping up with self care and getting therapy and staying hydrated all at once all at the same tiem and still still it feels like this and im really just. i really feel like it wont get better lmao this really feels like a brand new low and ive just been feeling like this for at least a decade if not longer and i hate living like this but nothing fucking helps in fact like i said ive felt worse than ever before it just doesnt feel like it will get better no matter what i do because i feel like ive done almost everything i could possibly do and it just hasnt worked. and i feel like its only going to get worse because the future is Ass like the news and the gov and the politics and the climate and working your whole life away for nothing and im so scared ill get a job that i dont like and make everything so much worse and im just so mad and sad because i switched out of my old phsics major bc it was too much for me and it destroyed my psyche bc me and my friends would like spend 6 hrs after class in the student tutor room trying to get help for one proble and the tutrs didnt even know how to solve it and i was like i cant throuw my youth away doing this because i already did that in high school and it got me fucking nowhere so i switched out to have time to live life but then covid happened and i was too late anyway bc by then everyone had their friend groups already and still now i dont have. like. friends lol. so i switched out of my dream major but there was no life for me to live so it really feels like it was all for nothing and also idk if this is for everyone but weed out classes made me feel brain damaged and like destined to be stupid even now im like im not smarte nougha dn im not tough anough and im not reilient enough and it has instilled in me this forever guilt and forever self doubt idk how to explain it i just feel so bad bc i really did like physics i just wasnt smart or strong enough i guess lmaoooo but the thing is if i knew thhat there would be no life to catch up on. i wouldve just stayed in that major bc i didnt need to do anything else. now im in english w all the time in the world and straight As and my friends dont invite me to their hangouts.

and then theres also the fact that idk i feel bad saying this but for some reason ppl of my own gender and race dont like me lmfao like i still cant believe ppl of my own race and gender would like. try to get me to not be on the elevator at the same time as me we r both waiting for the elevator and then she gets in and closes the door on me when we are BOTH WAITING THERE. and this has happened w several complete strangers several times and im like what do u have against me fr im trying so hard to be a better person im trying so hard but it feels so u nfair. and the beauty standards are so extreme and i never fit in and it makes me feel like shit and guys of my race will always call me ugly completely unprompted or something and im just like. im just trying so hard. and i have 0 social skills bc i spent all of my time as a kid studying bc i love avademia and it was the only thing anyone ever respected me for cos i was always the kid that was the butt of jokes and pranked on and left out so i was like i have to be smart if i want to be respected but then i have no social skills but i still dont have any lmao and i feel so lonely bc i dont know how to make deep and close connections and ive never been in a relationshipand “everyone will get their time” or whatever but the lack of experience is scary bc i feel like im goonna fuck something up inevitably bc ive never done this before and/or i will have trust issues and self confidence issues bc of how im always treated and its like yeah enjoy being alone but i have been alone my whole life and i feel like ive exhausted everything out of it i want connections now i want to share things now. going to restaurants and parks and shops by urself and having a good time is fine but i have been doing that for over ten years im old now i want. i want to share my life w someone but theres no one to share it with lol. and the longer i go without sharing it it just feels like the less hope there is for things changing. i tried googling how to socialize and make conversations and form closer bonds but it just doesnt work and i feel like i was never destined to be happy or have good things bc everything ve tried at never has worked out. i wanted to go to a nice college and failed. i wanted to be a physicist and failed. i wanted to make friends and failed. i wanted to be ina band and failed/ i wanted to make my own career and failed. its been over ten years. i want it all to stop i dontn want to try anymore i know how it always turns out.