#i dont know if i miss you or if i miss the joy. if i miss the fact that those were some of my happiest moments with someone i cared alot for
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his therapist woulda had a field day at their next appointment
#my art#doodle#fanart#resident evil 8#ethan winters#i think its so funny that he has a journal in re8. not only does he have a journal but he illustrates it. i dont know if capcom intended to#imply that ethan stops every now and then to jot down the horrors and the hour that the horrors occur my guess is prolly not#but now its there and it makes me laugh. i shouldnt laugh at his mental health journey but i am anyways#shoutout to people who journal i wish i was you but instead i draw a guy feelin my emotions for me#but im so happy the sun goess away at 5pm. truly immaculate. i miss snow. but we stay chillin#i made more dear diary doodles but these were my favs n they went well together#i changed the entry in the 2nd one though cause i thought it was funnier to me this way#i cut my hair too short again im not even sad about it anymore like whatever man#at least its out of my way. and my shower was SO fast i got to stand there 5ever and it was still only like 15 minutes#fantastic. there are so many joys in life. theres twice as many horrors but the joys are definitely there and they are definitely joyful#anyways thats the post stay warm n cozy out there gang
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Regarding Insane People Behavior, it is actually normal fandom culture to engage with posts in the way that myself and other bloggers did yesterday - that's why every other response to the branching threads was additive or enthusiastic. Notice that there was only a small, strange handful of sad people who had a problem with this typical social interaction. I may be small here in TES spaces but trust me, I've been around long enough in larger fandoms to know. The "How Dare You Engage With My Public Post" Incident is highly highly abnormal, and it is not the usual culture.
Please continue to reblog posts and share your thoughts respectfully! That's how we keep fandoms alive and healthy and how we've always done it on Tumblr. In fact, it's a load-bearing column of fandom culture. If someone starts being Aggressively Insane at you, that's on them.
#tesblr#i come from a place where we all got so excited about inspiring fanon that we made a whole zine about it for charity#and i look at this interaction like ... wow im sad for you#you will never have the joy of widespread collaborative community creation#i cant believe theyre making me reminisce about LoZ fandom of all places HAHAHAHA#you really dont know what you have until it's missing huh .... xD#the 'How Dare You Engage With My Public Post' Incident of 2024
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people who complain about people singing at concerts are so annoying if you only want to listen to the artists thats what listening at music at home is for. concerts are a social experience you go there to be with other people who like the music as much as you do, you dont get to stop them enjoying it because you dont know what a concert is
#i think people like want to pretend its just them and the artist but like thats not why you go to a concert youre missing the point#there is no greater joy than screaming song lyrics with a bunch of strangers#this seems to be more of an issue with like. those ~aesthetic~ types of people people who are into rock dont care#but like the mitski subreddit was so annoying when her tour was announced it was full of people saying to not sing along#which is just very sad u know#also because i was watching a boygenius concert video and the comments were full of people making fun of one girl in the audience#for singing loudly and not being able to carry a tune#like ok she paid a lot to be there and ur watching it for free on youtube you can keep those opinions to urself#if you dont want to hear other people judt STREAM THE SONG#anyway#im seeing mitski this month i hope everyones chill OSLSJ
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are we all out of mofftiss trauma yet? can we do dracula daily but sherlock holmes and be normal about it? can we all listen to sherlock & co together 👉👈
#sherlock & co#sherlock holmes#dracula daily#i miss the joy i had for sherlock stories when i was still new to them. before i realised how i was being queerbaited and lied to and used.#anyways i hate how the bbc show ruined these stories for me and i want to experience them anew and be insane about them again and just#i dont want to be queerbaited and lied to and used again. and i hope that by listening to sherlock & co or someone starting a sherlock daily#i can have that experience again#anyways fuck you mark gatiss & steven moffatt. know your fucking fanbases better & dont treat them like shit for not being who you expected.
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Could we maybe pretty please have some soft mumscarian? 👉👈
Im so sorry this took so long-
I really love this ship, i hope i can make something better of them in the near future
#i dont even like the finished product- i hope youll find joy in it though <3#i kinda forced myself to finish this maybe thats why#probably#my art#asks#Grem :D#i know it’s you grem 🫵#hermitshipping#hermitcraft#hermitcraft fanart#mumbo jumbo fanart#gtws fanart#grian fanart#goodtimeswithscar fanart#mumscarian#mumbscarian#mumscarian fanart#mumbscarian fanart#i miss my pixels#i should go back to my pixels#i miss my pixel s so mcuh#mumbo jumbo#grian#goodtimeswithscar#gtws#what else to tag#i feel like there should be more tags-#uhhh#oh yeah i was gonna queue this#queued
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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in all honesty, im feeling a bit burned out on totk, the more i think about it the more i dislike its story and lore, i dont know what to make of it it being so loved by everyone else makes me feel like theres something wrong about me :/ gonna try and take a step back from it all
#ganondoodles talks#i also feel kinda dumb#bc i feel like im both not reading as much into everything as smarter people can#but also am trying to look into it all too deep#like i know nintendy made the game with lots of love and care but i#i cant help but sometiems even feel outright insulted by some of the choices they made#like the continuity problems with botw#man i loved botw so much and i feel kinda stepped on for caring so much about it#is this whats it always like when a new thing for your hyperfixation releases?#its happened with multiple of my past interests...#if i wrote an more about it i just feel like im being hateful - which im not trying to be#i just feel like -fuck me for caring this much-#part of why i was hyped about totk was bc i thought theres gonna be lore and design stuff i can use for my fanworks#but honestly i feel like i dont want to use anything of it#i know usually when you feel like you are the only one feeling like that you are not#but still i feel like im the only one that thinks this game is so .... weirdly disconnected#...almost like spinoff dare i say#nothing fits together#..... i miss koga#everytime i met him i was filled with joy#:(
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God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it
in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean
in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it
Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow
#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think#im missing the people i never really knew#and im stuck echoing their words to myself#it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you#who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go#i dont know#it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself#how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable#only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years#and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!!#and i probably will forever to some extent!!#and it’s such an awful feeling#but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain#that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed#there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing#idk#idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes#and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes#god just ignore me
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The thing is, I desperately want to feel something about real life. At this point it's becoming a little bit absurd. I've been to concerts and to funerals. I've seen the Alaskan mountains and the Dead Sea. I've been thrown into scary situations and wildly cool ones. Why does my entire emotional range, no matter what I'm confronted with, fall somewhere between "mild interest" and "deep irritation"? Why can't I feel anything from looking at a beautiful sunset, or decorating my new apartment? Why doesn't coming home feel joyful, and leaving again feel sad? When I get promoted into a crazy position that I wanted so badly and is super exciting, why can't I feel proud and exhilarated? All I've got is varying levels of anxiety.
The strongest highs and lows I think I've ever felt in my life have been from reading or writing about pretend things happening to pretend people. Why can't I seem to eke even a drop of that investment out of something happening in MY OWN LIFE? I work out. I try to eat right. I do yoga. I try to invest in the people who live around me, and create connections. I spend time doing real-world things, even when I don't feel like it. I genuinely don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing at this juncture. And yet I suspect that Anne of Green Gables experienced a greater emotional range in any given 24 hours of her life than I have in decades.
#grace for ts#and its not that i cant be SAD#its just that it comes out weirdly#when i traded in my car i CRIED the entire 30 minute drive home in the new car#when i left philly and the people there i'm going to miss? nothing#but when it comes to joy or excitement. like real excitement like little kids have. i dont even know if im capable of that#this post is brought to you by the fact that i teared up over the moon landing in call the midwife lol#but would i have teared up if i was there for the moon landing in real life???#ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT. i would have been like huh. cool.
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I miss art and drawing so much I'm going to throw up
#once this month is over. i should have the time and energy. i miss it so fucking much man#ive only drawn like a dozen times this year. its tragic#emeto#and also. this doesnt matter as much. but know how much i have stagnanted. this couldve been a whole year of art growth and skill growth#but i have stayed exactly the same and honestly have regressed in skill. because thats what happens when you dont keep up. which is FINE it#not a big deal but im a lil :( about it and the missed opportunities#but above all i just miss making art. i hope i can get that joy back#seeing art atm physically hurts with want
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#having mental health issues from such an early stage of development its like.#i have dulled myself to the prospect of joy because that theoretical was so unlikely#that to expect it was painful.#and the dull acceptance of just. baseline disappointment and depression is much easier to deal with#but then i get well enough that i see hints of what im missing.#and i get so mad at myself that i have crippled myself this way. that i took away the possibility even and i don't know how to find it again#i dont know how to just. be excited about things and be happy. so I sit there. still self isolating and self sabotaging. but like.#im a healthier more self aware way lmao.#but I'm still keeping myself from doing normal happy person things because I don't know how#and there's still that same sadness and regret that im wasting all of it. what i worked so hard for.the opportunity.#and im just paralyzed because i dont know how to want to be happy but im well enough to know that it isn't this#and you never stop feeling like youre wasting all your time and energy and potential and love#but it's still less scary than the alternative. because theres a sort of familiar comfort in disappointment.#that feeling when you get well enough to fully grasp what youve lost and well enough to be ao mad about that loss#but not well enough to to be brave enough to try#like. fucking hell man. anyways im fine. i think its just strange#being the first Christmas in like. 10 years not wasted. and its better. like genuinely it is all better.#but it's still not good.#personal post#brain drivel#*goes off to read porn*
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Trying to keep myself from writing a snarky reply to a 2 year-old reddit comment claiming W101 only has “mild story elements”
#I’m sorry but so much of the wiz reddit community just doesn’t get it 😭#ik there are plenty of us who are also on reddit and you guys are all chill 🫶#it’s the spacebar mashers I gotta restrain myself around#like how you gonna sit there n tell me u DONT have a favorite character??#how do they not get super excited seeing lgbt and nd characters#HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THE JOYS OF HAVING BLORBOS#i get it I get it u can play a game however u want. but ur just missing so much joy when u spacebar mash 😭
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to anyone who still remembers my unreality hank. like. when i drew him and pretended(roleplayed) as if He Real in Real Life,
ive always thought abt bringing him back but i stopped since it felt. stupid and Cringe of me to do. but knowing that cringe is dead and that ive gotten a smidgen of motivation,
would you guys want him back? like. me continue a lil storyline and continue drawing the wimble as if He Real.
#if you dont know what im talking abt. search w the Unreality tag in my posts#but yes i have always had this guy in the back of my mind#it was a silly little thing to do that brought me joy and i am starting to miss it. so i mention it#just idk how many people actively miss the guy and or want the Wimblet back#i have a funny lil storyline in mind but unsure really#^slimsqueaks#maintagging so this gets out there a little#madness combat#hank j wimbleton#madness combat hank#unreality#idk if people like my hank design. the Wimblet. but i hope#this would be good timing anyway since. senior year almost upon me
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Some covers make me think how much progress I've made in a (relatively) short time
#video#like woah its only been a year. insane#bonus points if you recognize the song btw. absolute banger im in fuckin love with it#you've Not heard the first two chromatics(?) btw#i dont think i ever made them public! not here at least#back then i wasnt sure if i was gonna stick to the whole fnf cover thing so theres a lot i havent shown of my early stuff#my very early covers dont sound that good anyway you arent missing much :v#listen. i had to learn how to make a chromatic while also learning how fl studio works AÑLDSFKMDS#(i still dont know that much tbh 💥)#but you have no idea how overjoyed back then. when she first starts Singing. it made me reminiscence when i started utau covers#the joy of starting something new and things actually working
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Fantastics x GIANNA, mini, and JELLY
#fantastics from exile tribe#fantastics#jr exile#jpop#fanta mgz#when i tell you i aM SCREAMINGGGG#KEITO ON THE JELLY COVER ARE YOU SEEING THIS?????#IDC IM GETTING THEM ALLLLLL#for those that dont know#i think everyone has their own fan vice. whether it be photocards posters etc. mine is MAGAZINES#we will not speak of the amt of money i spend on shipping tho ok :))))) they bring me great joy :)))))#AND these are three of my favorite publications so this is really a christmas gift to me#all thats missing from my faves is vivi and now i'll be getting yusereya hawaii vivi cover!!!!!! good time to be me#i should really have a tag for fanta magazine appearances lol ill work on that
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mild malding because i LIKE the idea of phee/tech but imo it's being poorly set up... like headscratch theres potential for a really great dynamic here that's just not being explored in their interactions because the interactions are kinda just flirting to the point that since we have so little of them interacting without that that it feels a little. forced? like i can seeeeeee the concept and i DO like it i just agh please take more time with it
#tbb#.txt#tbb spoilers#maybe im just a grouch because i dont flirt until im miles deep in a friendship like. argh#be better friends you could be better friends first#i know you have it in you to be better friends than what we see on screen aaaargh#also a note that i havent rewatched the other phee episodes so if im missing interactions that make you go Just Look At Them Sparks lmk#but off the top of my head i cant remember any that really solidified them as like. idkkk Actually Enjoying Each Others Company As People#and they COULD i KNOW THEY COULD THE POTENTIAL IS THERE JUST /SHOW IT TO US/ RATHER THAN#/TELLING/ US WITH THE FLIRTING DIALOGUE AND THE WRECKER BEING LIKE 'YOUVE GOT COMPETITION'#JUST SHOW USSSSS AGAGGAGAHAHAGHAGRGHGFGRGRHR#anyways. good morning.#no im gonna keep going actually because its like its Only phee whos invested in this relationship atm and its just like shallow flirting#like there was the lights thing and then...?#SORRY FOR BEING A KILLJOY i dont rank flirting very high on things that are important to a relationship its like#ok. she called him brown eyes. and?#SORRY#have i lost my joy and whimsy. flirting means nothing to me. sorrh#and at least from where im sitting its judt like. tech mildly reacting to her flirting. WHICH I GET BECAUSE HES NOT USED TO IT BUT LIKE#TJATS WHY WE NEED TO SEE THEM BE FRIENDS MORE TOO
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