#i dont know i feel hollow but at the same time it's not as dramatic as that

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

[pensivespacepirate]

half came out to friends i didn't plan to come out to (blurted out im bi when they asked if i liked girls) (guy who asked took it well ("ayyy women enjoyers") and i didnt see the others' reaction) coincided with mizu5. im. uh. yeah

[thefreshprinceofjunes]

soriku endgame: an imagining

OKAY WELL HERE IT IS

TEN WHOLE PAGES OF HOW SORIKU ENDGAME MIGHT ACTUALLY PLAY OUT

i was rewatching vin play RE2 and fsr this invaded my thoughts and wouldnt leave

this is barely proofread and i reused a lot of the same words/phrases BUT its just meant to be an outline/abridged version so keep that in mind

(if i got any lore wrong tho pls let me know)

btw if you dont want to read this on tumblr for whatever reason, heres a link to the google doc

note: this is going off the assumption MoM saw everything (or at least everything soriku) through the gazing eye

scene is quadratum probably. master of masters (or whoever the bad guy in kh4 is) has sora and riku caught in a bad situation (for temporary visuals im picturing something similar to the dark guardian restraining aqua and ven in kh3)

sora and riku are struggling to break free, while the MoM just laughs. some kh dramatic banter occurs, before MoM changes the subject and starts monologuing (with sora and riku probably interjecting here and there)

MoM: [to sora] you still havent figured it out yet, have you?

MoM: dont you ever wonder why rikus heart holds as vast of a darkness as it does?

MoM: its not because of jealousy, or ansem, or even his desire for strength since you were children.

MoM: no, its much simpler than that.

MoM: remember that dream you had, sora? before the islands were destroyed?

MoM: there was a voice speaking to you, from deep within your heart:

MoM: 'the closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes.'

MoM: well, the road goes both ways, kid. the deepest of darknesses can only come from the brightest of lights.

sora: wh-what are you saying?

MoM: its been in front of all along, but you were too blind to see it.

cut to voiceless flashbacks of all the times sora encountered the brightest light: when receiving the keyblade, when almost pulled out of sleep by the memory of aqua on DI, during the dive to heart at the beginning of kh3 (assuming it really happened and wasnt just for gameplay purposes), and after using the power of waking at the KBG (the tunnel scene)

sora looks at riku, then back at MoM. riku is grimacing.

sora: that… that was… that was rikus light?

MoM: bingo!

MoM: but theres even more to it than that.

MoM: theres another force of power in this universe that keeps light and dark in harmony

sora: another…?

MoM: you feel an unfathomable depth of it in your heart for, well, pretty much everyone youve ever met.

MoM: what lies in rikus heart, however, comes from the same place, but is also very, very different. its something you claim to not understand, even though youve encountered it many times during your adventures.

rikus eyes widen and he tries to interject, but the MoM physically stops him; sora calls out for him

MoM: its more than just friendship. its hearts that are really, truly connected between two people.

MoM: think about it. think about all the times when everything seemed hopeless, but something, something, kept the bad guys from winning. it wasnt light.

cut to voiceless flashbacks between many of the disney couples sora has met: the beast arriving at hollow bastion out of sheer force of will in his search for belle, flynn sacrificing himself for rapunzel and her tears bringing him back to life (some shit with will/elizabeth and sam/quorra too maybe idk), and finally, herc gaining his strength back as he rescues megara from styx, followed by herc saying, 'people always do crazy things when theyre in love.'

sora stares ahead at nothing in particular, before wincing in pain; suddenly, a forgotten memory surfaces in his mind (if the convo with NS confirms he hasnt completely forgotten, then its the key details that have been missing):

rikus sacrifice in the KBG

riku calls out for him and struggles, but MoM just laughs so more.

MoM: there, now its coming back to you. and that wasnt the only time riku sacrificed everything for you, yknow, although it was probably the most heroic instance. remember him taking on ansems form to beat roxas? and his dive into your heart to wake you from slumber, despite the tremendous danger? you only met her briefly, but one of the princesses of heart experienced something very similar.

MoM: aurora. maleficent placed a curse on her when she was a baby, causing the princess and the rest of the kingdom to fall into a deep sleep on her 16th birthday. but the heir to a nearby kingdom, prince phillip, valiantly fought his way to the castle, and woke up the sleeping beauty– through a kiss. a kiss, of true… 

MoM trails off and looks at riku, then back at sora, expectantly. riku is still struggling to free himself before the truth is revealed, but its no use.

sora stares off again, before looking MoM in the eyes.

sora: … love…?

MoM does jazz hands and poses.

MoM: ding ding ding ding! we have a winner! it only took you, what, 12, 13 years to figure it out? honestly, i just couldnt stand watching it go on for any longer.

MoM: but, hey, i still have my honor. if im wrong, im more than happy to apologize.

MoM turns to riku then.

MoM: well? am i wrong, riku?

riku doesnt respond, and MoM sighs dramatically.

MoM: still no answer? okay, guess well have to do this the hard way.

MoM starts hurting sora, causing him to cry out in pain while riku watches helplessly 

MoM: come on, riku! do it! use your true strength! unleash the power hidden within your heart!

sora gasps and winces, barely getting out rikus name 

suddenly, theres a bright flash of pink energy (maybe rikus eyes also turn dream eater pink too?)

(if the power of love is too cheesy even for kh, then maybe its a black and white darkness/light combo attack)

riku breaks free of whatever MoM did to him, and then channels the energy through his arm, blasting it through soras restraints.

unfortunately, sora was being held in the air, and starts to fall– but in the blink of eye, riku is there to catch him in his arms.

MoM laughs in triumph and draws back slightly.

MoM: there we go!

MoM then shrugs.

MoM: well, this was fun, but ive got places to be. and im sure you two have a lot to talk about. toodles!

MoM disappears, leaving sora and riku in stunned silence.

after a moment, riku sets sora down and turns away from him, avoiding soras gaze.

sora meanwhile takes a second to catch his breath, before staring at riku with wide eyes.

sora: r… riku… is… is that...? is that really… how you feel?

riku clenches his fists at his sides and stays turned away. after a pause, he responds.

riku: … even if it is, it doesnt matter.

sora: what do you mean?

riku: i know… im not the one for you.

riku takes a deep breath.

riku: … when you were put to sleep for a year to fix your memories, some of them found their way into xion. they happened to be your most important memories– the ones you couldnt wake up without.

riku: those… were your memories of kairi. and xion took on her appearance because of them.

sora is stunned, only having been vaguely made aware of what happened in that year.

sora: k… kairi?

riku nods solemnly.

riku: yeah. and the only reason your memories got messed with in the first place is because the organization forced namine to make herself the person most important to you, instead of kairi.

sora pauses.

sora: you mean… castle oblivion.

riku nods again.

sora watches, before feeling a pain in his heart and grabbing at his chest instinctively.

underneath his hand, he can feel the cold metal of his crown necklace.

and thats when it finally clicks.

everything blurs, and theres a sudden rush of memories.

(maybe a memory sequence that you actually play through?)

sora, holding kairis wayfinder in castle oblivion. suddenly, the memory gets static-y, like during soras memory restoration.

cut to namine confessing to sora shes not the girl he cares about– but every time the word is feminine, its distorted by video static. (this is how we fix the aitsu thing)

"no. the g̸͓̦͙̫̮̦̠͗͐��̊͑̕͝i̷͖̝̝̱̐ͅͅŗ̸̄̆̓̆̊̄̿l̶̮͉̦͓͔̹̀̂͗͝ͅ you care about...the one who was always with you... its not me. its ḧ̴̳͔̻̾̇e̵͚͂̀r̸̺̣̠̓̂̀̚."

cut to namine speaking to sora before he goes to sleep.

“but theres another promise you made—a promise to someone you could never replace. s̵̹̀͗͜h̷͇͇͌̆̐e̷̡̛̱'̷̦̆s̵̫͖̦̄̈̄ your light. the light within the darkness. if you can remember h̷̼̼̜͚͒e̸̢̡̤̹̬͖͐̒͒̾r̸͓̣̜̼̜̠͚͂̋̃...all the memories lost in the shadows of your heart will come into the light."

cut to a flashback of repliku talking about their shared promise. again, the feminine words are indecipherable.

"there was a meteor shower one night when s̶̳̄͑̆̅̆͗h̴͍̞͖͙͑̔̋̈́̎̈̾ę̷̧̰̰̖̝͆̆̕̚ and i were little... n̸̨̙̼͑̽ả̴̗͕̮́͊͝m̴̻̳͚̒i̸̳̟͑n̶̡̥̋̑̌é̸͍̦͑͐͋́ got scared and said, what if a shooting star hits the islands? so i told ḧ̷̡̬̽̅͆̊ė̸̙̩̠̥̿̃̚͠r̶̛̥̻̖̉̾̽͝, if a shooting star comes this way, ill protect you! and then—"

cut back to the memory pod.

"look at the g̴̬͛̄̚͘ŏ̴̞̙̰̍͂̀ö̴̘̥̗̱̐͋͆ͅď̷̨͙̙̩̓́͝ ̸̢̋̈́̂̚ļ̷̯̥̲̪̐̋͌̾̚ṵ̵̼̥̥͖̎c̸̱̟̹̚ķ̸̭̱̖̓̇ͅ ̷͇̳̃̑́͑͐͜ͅc̸̢̤̈̈́̊̚̕h̵̙̗̓͊̾ͅą̷̣̮̞̾̈́r̶̜̜͓̥̀́͋͝m̸̺̖͈̖͓̊̀̕. i changed its shape when i changed your memory. but when you thought of ẖ̴͚̙̆ȅ̴̡̛̞̲̥̼̋͐r̸̹̱̐, it went back to the way it was."

finally, a few more lines from namine.

"remembering one thing leads to remembering another, and then another... your memories are connected, like links in a chain. those same chains are what anchor us all together. i dont destroy memories. i just take apart the links and rearrange them. you still have all your memories."

cut back to sora in the real world. everything is still blurry, but now rikus voice can be heard in the background calling for him, distorted.

and then, a flash of light.

nighttime. its still. everything is quiet and peaceful.

young sora and riku are walking back from the beach.

suddenly, theres a bright streak across the sky. 

sora and riku both gasp.

then, another. and another. and another.

the night of the meteor shower.

riku watches the sky in amazement– until he feels a tug on his arm.

he glances at his side and sees sora, utterly terrified and clinging on to him for dear life.

sora: wahhhh!! r-r-riku, the sky is falling!!

riku laughs.

riku: no, those are shooting stars. theyre way up high in the sky.

sora however is not convinced, and keeps shaking as tears start to well up in his eyes.

sora: b-but…! theres so many of them. and theyre so fast!! what if a shooting star hits the islands?!

the reality of soras mood finally sets in, and riku is left staring as he tries to think of what to do.

hanging from his pocket is his wooden sword.

the words of the man with the real sword echo in his mind:

“no more borders around, or below, or above, so long as you champion the ones you love."

riku grabs his sword then and holds it up to the sky as he looks at sora, courage glinting in his eyes.

riku: if a shooting star comes this way, ill protect you! ill hit it right back into outer space!

sora sniffles as he watches riku swing the sword around.

sora: r-really?

riku nods his head confidently.

riku: i will. i promise!

after a moment of thought, riku reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver chain with a crown dangling from the end.

riku: here. take this. i found it the other day.

with the magic of cutscene, riku somehow turns the chain into a necklace, and then reaches over to hang it around soras neck.

riku: whenever you get scared, all you have to do is look at this, and remember that ill always be there to protect you. no matter what.

tears run down soras face as he looks at the necklace.

the voice of the strange girl theyd met before rings through his mind:

"so then if something happens, and riku is about to get lost—or say, he starts wandering down a dark path alone—you make sure to stay with him and keep him safe. thats your job, sora, and im counting on you to do it, okay?"

sora gulps and then reaches out to grab rikus free hand in both of his own. riku is surprised by this.

sora: ill… ill protect you too! i-i know im not as strong as you, but ill… ill try! i promise!

riku is taken aback for a moment, before he smiles gently at sora.

riku: … thanks, sora.

afterward, a multitude of quick flashbacks to all the times sora and riku protected each other, culminating in seeing the KBG sacrifice one more time.

fade to back.

in a hotel room (or smth similar), sora suddenly sits up straight in a bed, heart beating rapidly.

sora: riku!

(paralleling when riku called out for him after waking up from the dive into his heart in ddd)

riku has been seated at the edge of the bed, waiting and worrying. when he realizes soras awake, he scoots down the bed towards him.

riku: sora! youre okay!

after catching his breath, sora looks around the room, confused.

sora: … what… happened?

riku: you passed out, so i brought you here. how are you feeling?

sora puts a hand to his head, grimacing slightly at his pulsing headache. but that doesnt matter right now.

sora: im… im fine. listen, riku… i saw… i saw some of the things that happened at CO.

rikus eyes widen.

riku: you did?

sora: yeah. i saw you… well, a version of you. and namine. namine…

sora looks into rikus eyes.

sora: she… she was wrong. or… maybe i was wrong, and she just played along for my sake…

riku: huh? what are you talking about?

sora swallows as his voice starts shaking, just a little.

sora: kairi… kairi wasnt the one most special to me. you were. i remember… i remember the night of the meteor shower.

sora clutches at the crown necklace.

sora: all this time, id thought id remembered everything important… but i forgot about it. [sighs] im sorry, riku

riku stays quiet for a moment, before putting on a forced smile.

riku: its fine, sora. we were little kids.

sora frowns.

sora: but… you never forgot, did you?

riku shrugs, and theres a moment of silence between them, before riku speaks again.

riku: maybe i was the one most important to you back then, but its not the same now. thats alright. im just happy to be your friend. i know how you feel about kai-

sora suddenly moves forward, closer to riku, now yelling as he cuts him off.

sora: i get to decide how i feel, riku! its my heart!

riku is taken aback at the shouting, and stares in shock. sora realizes hes gotten loud, and takes a moment to calm down.

dearly beloved starts to play in the bg

sora: i… i know now. maybe it took me a long time, but… i figured it out. the person most important to me… all along, its been you.

riku freezes up in pure shock. he cant believe what hes hearing. hed talked himself out of hoping for this day long ago.

sora finally smiles again.

sora: youre the one i love.

(paralleling prince eric with ariel)

BOOM FIREWORKS MAGIC SORIKU ENDGAME

riku is absolutely speechless, staring at sora with his mouth agape.

sora gives riku a sheepish grin, now growing nervous at the lack of a response.

sora: and… im the one you love… right?

after a second, riku returns soras smile– and, for the very first time in the series, starts crying.

he nods, shakily.

riku: … yeah. yeah, i do. i always have.

riku wipes at his eyes to stop crying, but its futile. the tears flow even harder.

sora feels himself start crying, too, but hes laughing at the same time.

he pulls riku into a hug, grabbing his upper back tightly.

without any hesitation whatsover, riku returns the embrace, holding onto sora in the same way.

(like so [sora in orange, riku in teal])

fade to black.

then they kill the MoM, get married, and live happily ever after. the end. :)

love balancing light and dark is largely taken from these tags by @osrinlore on this video of mine btw:

[wrathofrats]

well... how abouuuttt "why dont you ever listen to me?" with a ghoul of your choice, maybe the other ghoul is mad at dew, or maybe dew is upset, maybe because hes been trying to communicate that hes struggling ajd the others havent picked up on it, and he just wants it to stop. idk im not that good at coming up with prompts on the spot but i hope this is a good enough idea!! 🤷

Hi it’s been ….. we aren’t going to talk about how long it’s been.

But I hope you enjoy, yall seem to love when I give Dew problems (don’t worry I love it too)

Slapping aether in here because it hurts

Anyways, cirrus makes a joke, dew needs a hug and aether is a very supportive boyfriend

-

Dew doesn’t know when it began to bother him.

He sat on the couch nonchalantly watching some horror movie cirrus had thrown on. The exorcist? He doesn’t know, he doesn’t think he really cares.

“Careful cir, you’ll give him nightmares” aether teased

“He is the nightmare” cirrus rolled her eyes in a response, a playful smile at her lips. It was a joke.

His chest feels hollow as aether ruffles his hair. Something about it didn’t feel right. A normal quip that would have him saying something stupid in response, or simply giving her the finger, suddenly didn’t have the same feeling to it.

He swallowed heavy, the salvia only added to the pit in his stomach.

It’s a gross feeling, something between knowing he’s overreacting and wanting to cry at the thought that they actually think he’s a nuisance. Both are untrue, the logical part in his brain tries to convince him but it doesn’t stop the tears that sting in the back of his eyes, the flush in his face or the way his head feels like it’s full of starch.

It was a joke.

He’s overreacting, he’s certain of it but he can’t stop himself from getting up and walking away without his usual banter.

“Dew? What’s up?” Aether calls after him, following him into the bathroom.

Dew shakes his head to save his dignity. His voice will shake and crack, he knows if he even tries to say he’s ok a sob will rack his body and he won’t be able to contain himself anymore.

He’s embarrassed because he’s overreacting and he’s clutching the sink as aether puts a supportive hand on his back but it feels patronizing because he knows he’s overreacting and he’s-

“Did we say something?”

Dew sobs. Quick, choked off like it wasn’t supposed to come out because it wasn’t. Because he’s overreacting and he shouldn’t be acting like this. Because it was a joke and he’s making a scene because he can’t help but overthink everything.

“Dew, it was a joke” aether embraces him, lightly to not overwhelm him, but he can’t leave him like this. Dew barely lets go of his vice grip on the counter top to let aether pull him into himself. “She didn’t mean it, we thought you liked jokes like that”

He doesn’t. He’s said that.

Dew shakes his head and pushes away from aether enough to speak.

The crack in his voice makes him wince as he chokes and gasps the sobs back to try and get out what he’s saying without being a complete mess, but it’s pathetic anyways, he feels like a child. The way aether stares in concern makes him feel like a petulant toddler throwing a fit.

“I can’t stand them anymore. I’ve said this”

“Have you?” Aether asks, genuinely. The fact that he’s being genuine almost makes it hurt more. He wishes aether would just let him be dramatic and leave him alone.

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?” Dew all but wails. He’s louder than he means to be, another sob ringing out in the middle of his sentence. Aether looks confused and concerned, like dew has actually lost it this time, over a joke no less.

“I am, I am listening to you droplet, tell me what’s wrong”

It feels patronizing, dew knows aethers not trying to be but the frustration builds anyways.

“I’m tired aeth, I’m tired of you all acting like you hate me. No one ever acts like they genuinely like or want to be around me and it’s fucking heart wrenching” dew cries

“Water bug you know i-“ aether shakes his head, remorseful.

“No, aether you don’t understand. You all keep saying you hate me. It stings. I don’t know what to do I don’t understand why I’m the only one not worthy of kindness” dew clings to aethers shirt like if he lets go aether will disappear and stop listening to him.

“Dewdrop I’m sorry I didn’t know-“

“Stop please just - I don’t get it” dew sobs. He leans his head into aethers shirt, fist fulls of fabric brought up to his face as aether embraces him tightly.

Dew just weeps, a dam of emotions he can’t bare to vocalize comes out in tearful pleas instead.

“I don’t get it. I’m sorry. Please listen I’m sorry. I don’t understand” the demands come out in choked off cries, forceful sounds racking his small frame as aether hugs him tightly to try and get him to stop shaking.

Aether lowers them to the floor, holds dew in his lap and tries to soothe him.

“You’re not being dramatic, I’m sorry. We love you so much and I’m sorry we don’t say that” aether whispers into his hair.

Dew starts to quiet down as aether traces shapes into his back, the distraction well needed. He clings and listens and tries to focus on whatever aether is dragging into his skin with the tip of his fingers.

“So sorry waterbug, you’re ok, I love you so much. You’ve done nothing wrong”

Dew realizes what the shapes are.

He’s tracing hearts into his back.

[enbysforhongjoong]

please ignore:

im just using this as a means to express everything i haven’t had the ability to.

im tired. im tired of struggling. im tired of having happiness right between my fingers, so close yet the minute i set to embrace it, it disappears. im tired of the rollercoaster that is my mind, body and emotion. i feel i have no real control, that im deluding myself with the idea of control.

i wake up most days barely feeling human. i know who i am, things about myself but i dont feel real. my limbs dont feel to be my own, like im feeling things through the clothing that is my skin.

i want to be wanted as do most people. i was to feel emotionally and physically wanted but i feel as if it has to be one or the other. no one truly wants me and im at that point of questioning if its me. if my emotions are too much for even those who claim to love me. i understand it can be exhausting, trust me i do, but i feel i deserve that love and understanding mentally sound and neurotypical people get. i dont want to have to guess if theres a problem, i dont want to play guessing games on if im wanted or not, i dont want the hot n cold where u want me physically but cant bother to get to know me. i feel like if im not just my body then im just a therapist.

even in the platonic sense.

i feel like a means to an end. like at the end of the day my presence in the lives of those around me doesnt make much of a difference. im here to make sure certain people have their support system and are cared for but i dont get the same. it may sound full of myself to say but i truly dont feel i get loved and cared for the way i love and care for my friends, family and lover.

i tried starting a friendship recently… we were texting back and forth for about two weeks and ig they started questioning my intentions??? i genuinely dont know but i guess at the end of the conversation he basically said we could stay friends but he might start taking days or weeks to respond… i had just finished telling him the reason i enjoyed conversations was bc i felt like someone was actually interested in what i was saying and wanted to talk to me.

maybe its over dramatic to say but platonic rejection feels like romantic rejection to me. that heavy feeling on my heart, the feeling like its slowly shattering every time i wish to send a text or i think ab the conversation and how unwanted i felt after. its been swallowing me whole, consuming my brain in its entirety. i feel like im on fire but im drowning. i cant hold myself together because i feel like the tag on the back of someones shirt, those annoying ones you eventually cut off.

i just want to be normal, not feel every emotion i have the capacity to feel at its most intense every time i get the privilege of feeling. i wish i didnt feel like a hollow shell of a person, wish i didnt have to fill my senses and brain with books and fiction to escape the reality that i will never have that. i wish not being happy was something i didnt need to come to terms with.

i wish i was enough for literally anyone. i wish i could be myself without that shame or fear that it will be the reason im disliked, or it will be the reason people decide that im too much to be friends with. i wish i felt worthy of love, of support. i have so much hatred for myself and the circumstances that made me like this. i hate the way i was raised playing so much into my day to day. i people please bc its better than someone being mad. i let the mask slip with him and i feel like a fool.

if you chose to read this then thank you. its messy and unorganized but it wasnt intended to be a think piece or anything. just wanted to put my thoughts in a place where no one knows me.

[moonrevolutions]

🌏 EARTH

°✩₊˚.⋆ anonymous. meme. still accepting!

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them?

virote's of two minds with this. first off..... it sounds romantic to him, giving up something and sacrificing just for someone he loves. on the other hand, it doesn't sound sustainable or the right way to navigate interpersonal relationships, whether they be familial, platonic, romantic, etc etc etc. he's very willing to compromise though. virote's always going to gravitate towards the concept of compromise, because give the whole ' i would give up the world for you ' concept leaves a bad taste in his mouth. it's dramatic, it's too much, he's unwilling to believe actual adults think this way.

also context i guess... sometimes ppl use the term ' sacrifice ' all loosey-goosey when they really mean ' compromise ' or maybe even just simply dealing with change. like calling something a sacrifice because they dont want to do it doesnt make it a sacrifice, nor does a sacrifice mean changing unsavory behaviors or awful habits. caring for someone you love when they're ill or downtrodden? not a sacrifice... that's just love.

but the moment it starts costing him his mental, spiritual, and physical well-being + makes him not feel very good, that's when it's time to put the brakes on. because he's not over-extending himself like that. sometimes it's necessary to make compromise of time, wants and things, but never your values, overall health, or dignity... or ur entire life in general.. or well that's how he rolls.

anyway. if he has to think about any relationship in terms of loss and gain, that's gonna make him step back and re-evaluate the entire thing. at that point it doesnt even seem like a relationship worth keeping, no matter who they are. because he has to prioritize himself too. he has more than one person in this world that he loves. what about them? he can't break himself off for everyone. its alllll about fairness i guess.

it's funny because he does make little sacrifices of himself every day. masking his emotions so that no one sees how shitty he feels, because he doesn't want to worry anyone or he feels like no one will really understand. that's a cycle he's trying to break because it's really self-destructive; at the same time, he's yet to find himself in a comfortable enough spot with more than like one person to fully feel his own emotions in a space reserved for him. he doesn't feel particularly safe with anyone.

anyway it's not a black-white issue and there's a lot of nuances i'm too tired to rly get into so i'll just leave it at this text post i reblogged a few months back for vi's about tag:

sacrifice is a hollow sentiment we shouldn’t have to hurt and be in pain when we want to practice love did you know that

thx 4 comin 2 my tedtalk.

[qah-naarin]

Vibe check Miraak for the character bingo

okay so miraak. i have things to say about him and its a bit A Lot. first of all miraak's fit is cool. like i like it, evokes ancient enemy warped to something Not Quite Human, and i think that's sick as shit. i will say that you can't see canon!miraak's face so therefore he looks cool, because out of sight out of mind.

controversial: everyone but me is wrong about them. okay its NOT everyone but it's majority. i refuse to think that miraak would acclimate to the world so well much less know how to tap that ass. no. that is IMPOSSIBLE and i will not hear arguments for it. i dont care if the kama sutras in apocrypha, it is IMPOSSIBLE. i also want to state that a lot of people write miraak (in miraak!lives fics) as dark and eternally broody and their only light of sunshine or whatever is the dragonborn... NO. stop that. he's enamored with the beauty of the world. overwhelmed with how real nirn is. you have to show that. if you're not going to write him as appreciative and in love with the beauty the world offers to him despite how he had turned his back on it a long time ago, you are wrong. im so sorry bestie but ur wrong.

i feel like canon!miraak had way too much wasted potential. like im not saying he HAD to live by the end of it, but the entire dlc could've been a great elaboration on what it means to be the dragonborn in the face of greater beings like the daedric gods. a lot of people also forget to realize that miraak's entire character speaks volumes about what it means to be trapped and want freedom, and at the same time, be malicious in his actions if not intentions. i'm glad bethesda at least Tried to make him sympathetic (and he is! he's my favorite villain because he's so complex in my HEAD lol) but i feel like they could've tried harder. miraak is established to be dramatic and a show-off, i think he deserved a little more depth than the "me evil i will kill you to be free" and maybe that IS all that's left of him inside, because it's been eaten away by apocrypha, but then why isn't that more obvious? he's clearly in control of his own thoughts and not a crazy, rambling guy like the ones who found the black books—so even if he is hollow save for the unquenchable thirst for ldb's soul, it is Highly Unlikely.

anyway if he was real i would be scared of him. i'm like 5 flat. i hc him to be 6'7" thats literally gigantic to me. at the same time though i would marry him bc i think he would be a great househusband. he's practically a blorbo to me bc like... most of his personality and backstory i wrote LMAO. its Mine and i am just pouring so much love and effort into this silly giant man... you know how it is. he is deeper that he seems (see paragraph above) and i also like to throw my issues on him. hello attachment issues? i am throwing them at his face like a baseball.

AND on the same note as everyone is wrong about him but me, i just think miraak isnt blond idc. he's not blond, i don't to hear it.

didn't get enough screen time sums him up. i wish we saw him more to further expound on his character, because he is Not someone whose absence speaks volumes, because his absence isn't of his own volition.

yes i am mentally ill abt him. can u tell? i bet you would have never guessed

anyway he's exactly like me LMAO. prickly, rbf, a little broody, but deeply in love with the world and what it has to offer him. and he has layers, like an onion, and like me <3

[crqstalite]

also i couldn't figure out how to word it.

i. dont like koda anymore lol. i dont think i ever really did.

some analysis...ish below lol

like i doubt this is even slightly relevant to anything anymore considering i stopped writing for her like. months(?) months ago. koda was a weird almagation of everything i ever wanted to do with a shepard and her character suffered for it. she was a war hero with a crystal clean background -- a family woman who ended up with biotics in the end. she had a darkside, part of her she rarely shared. she was everything all at once, and when she couldn't be, i passed parts of her i wanted into other characters.

i originally tried passing it off as that she exhibited a lot of my own personality traits -- acting as if my own emotions weren't really a stake or issue in other people's lives. or that she didn't matter in the grand scheme of things because of her figurehead status.

and that worked. that still works for a decent story beat. she's fascinating and relatable because of it. she was my pet project and she was beloved (by me at least lol) for it.

but since i stopped writing -- i realized it was a copout. characters that came after her (not citlali, because she suffered from so many story changes even i can't remember where or who she is anymore, nor annika for the same reasons) were just. better, because i didn't feel like i was writing about a vessel for the story to flow through instead of around. brione in fact, is the only one i still feel a real desire to write about, and she was never intended to be a shepard. her story was directly about her making her own decisions and making a name for herself.

because they didn't feel like i was writing about me.

all of my first characters in any rpg are me. most of the time. (svenja/reyna/marzeyna didnt suffer from this issue for some reason). and because of that, they get the worst of me most of time. i know the self-insert/mary sue argument has been done at least ten times over since ive been old enough to grasp what it means -- but she was a self insert. a pretty big one at that lol.

writing koda as a self-insert meant i was indirectly using her as a vessel to feel like i had control over my life. she was effectively 'born' in the middle of the covid pandemic and during my sophmore year of high school. i was miserable, feeling trapped and terribly lonely. koda and mass effect in general gave me a place to get away (not healthily, though). now that im in college, she doesnt feel as much of a power fantasy to me anymore. she feels like a person. which isnt bad, but it took away a lot of exploration i felt like i "still" needed to do. the stories i "still" needed to tell didn't feel so. important anymore.

because i'd already done that exploration with myself.

its only been about 2.5 years since then. but ive grown as a person -- and i couldnt reflect those in koda. the flaws id learned to love about myself werent the same as the one id given to her. i couldnt explore them.

there was nothing left to explore. i don't know her flaws anymore, because i realize i wrote her without any real ones. she just. could. she was shepard -- because she was shepard. she was loved by most of her crew members -- because she was shepard. she didn't face conflict -- because she was shepard. she was as much a hollow shell as default shep was, just with a more distinct face and a name.

at the time, i didnt know what made some of my most favorite interpretations of shepard and their story so lovable and fascinating to me. id believed it was just the mere presence of their problems. now though, i realize its because mutuals and other authors allowed their characters to grow without being afraid it would take away from the character.

i couldnt reflect that growth because some of it, id simply never experienced. i have a better understanding of interpersonal relationships now. i can't say ive had an "awakening" or anything (thats a tad dramatic for what im trying to get across lol) -- but im a different person from then to now. two years isnt a lot, surely, but the leap in logic and reasoning from then to now is. large enough that i can recognize i and my perspective is vastly different.

theres no real conclusion to this. not a big fancy ending or some grand analysis -- i was just not great at creating characters. like real ones with real stories and real problems. everytime ive come back to redamancy over the last couple of months, i feel. off about it. not quite right. not quite proud. and i did a shit ton of work for that book when i still felt good about it. when i was still constantly writing 10k word chapters for it.

(which is a feat within itself, im struggling to write three page papers now lol)

i haven't touched it since december almost. maybe longer.

its the longest ive gone without even remotely thinking about koda.

given i suppose its growth. (most likely also that my mass effect hyperfixation died out and i didnt want to admit it. am i capable of enjoying things casually? who knows lol) learning what worked and what didn't -- but its so odd someone that basically defined my fandom presence and myself for almost a year is. really nothing but a handful of unfinished chapters and half baked ideas now.

i don't even know who koda was meant to be. what her story was supposed to represent. someone, surely. but i guess i'll never know.

i dont cringe at her. i value her as someone, maybe something that made me genuinely happy. her relationship with her sister made me happy at least -- her relationship with kaidan made me ecstatic (and arguably mirrors the same type of care and respect i have in my own relationship now, believe it or not. i believe i went and found my own kaidan lol) and her triumphs were my triumphs.

i love space. i love the cyberpunkish future it painted. im such a sucker for it.

eventually my brain juices will probably balance out enough for me to really enjoy the world of mass effect again and koda will get a chance to be revived again as someone separate from myself -- and i wont repeat the same issue with my ME4 protag.

but thats my fascinating thought for like. the next month or so until i have another lol

[showcontrols]

hm. rambling about smth personal for a bit bc i need it to be down in words. long post under the readmore

so i know my reactions can come across a little. dramatic sometimes. particularly when reading (angst) fic. but during the reading - and often, writing comments bc i tend to do that while reading - i am experiencing the same amount of emotional response im trying to convey in words. the character having a panic attack makes my own breaths speed up to the point where i have to take a break for bit. grief feels hollow, like a stone on my chest and numbness in legs. joy - fluff - sappy gooey stories makes me flap my hands and pace back and forth for a while bc i need to get rid off the excess energy. one time i read a fic that was considered to be mediocre but nice i guess by the people who recced it to me but the general detachment and melancholy portrayed made me go through the rest of day with a fuzzy head.

is that normal? having a visceral reaction to even small bits of writing? i don’t know. i tend to mouth along with the dialogue of the pov character, gestures and all, and that feels like i put too much of myself into whatever pov im reading from. but i know this whole thing extends to outside of writing, that i can come across as too emotional and sensitive. got a response from someone recently about how i was so overly excitable and ‘could you tone it down, it’s not even that good lmao’ and i will admit that my immediate, instinctive response was to go fuck you?? partly out of anger at how the op was dismissing their own writing and partly bc. im not hurting anyone, i think. (did not actually reply to that btw, i just deleted my comment and then went and laid down on the floor for an hour.)

it put me off commenting and leaving long tags for a while bc i was worried about how it would look. am i being too hyper here and bothering people. is this too repetitive. i mostly interact in mcsrblr so its not really a problem there, i know these people. they know me and have seen the number of dumb stuff i do, over the past year. and yeah i felt and still feel pretty dumb about the tagging thing too bc its tumblr! its the site for being weird and ranting in tags.

idk. it’s not A Problem im just. aaaa. maybe im overreacting to this one too. left a bunch of comments one after the other on manda’s fics recently and she was  really nice and happy about it and that reminded me of why i initially started leaving semi-regular comments i guess.

and to clarify: im not saying people have to accommodate me, or anyone on this. if you dont want to deal with it then obviously you have the tools necessary for you to block people and such or not interact at all.

there’s no real solution to it i think. im not even sure if it’s a problem in the first place but it’s just been bothering me for a while. incredibly embarrassed to post this but i need to get it out before it starts poisoning the rest of me so here we go

[mikkouille]

Time to give my perfect correct opinions on the entire teaser drop yes i am watching every single one I dONT care.

watchin em all in order they were on the channel when i popped in on laptop (which was different from the order on mobile this lunch break? sure whatever)

first is The Three Gentlebros which I would call ball so much as hollow, I like family dramas but this one seemed a bit shallow from trailer alone, in a way where I don’t know how’d they make the premice much engaging as a full content with what’s given there. Then, with the one and a half set and general poor production quality, I’m assuming this may be very early conception draft? Who knows. I don’t think I’d be interested in watching it, maybe if it was a short film, then it’d wear it’s plot well, cause as a show or even feature length I feel there’s too little. I think there is something powerful in it though in a way it has me completely disinterested despite having both Gun and Tay there like? Congrats on having absolutely nothing to you to the point of overdoing my loyalties.

Next UMG which def has some potential, the concept and vibes the trailer offer are fun, and I do like some spooky SF. They also have a good aesthetic package in a trailer, so that’s one I’ll look out for when they expand on it later. If it takes a good direction (I kinda want to see the “weird town” be more developed, see more of it and its people though that may be quite of a big request there, the teaser was very limited in cast but I think a great athmosphere would rely on the entire area being part of the vibe, rather than the strong isolation we see so far -then again, concept teaser, and if anything, the fact that I’m projecting things I’d like to see is proof I’m a bit invested in that one). I can also foresee it go terribly, because the genre isn’t something I’ve seen much from the company? And isn’t the easiest to pull off either (I mean the last sequence shows how, as soon as you want to show some supernatural, you better pack up some budget to make it credible. The feet......I shan’t say.) This one will depend on the extended teaser thus, if they develop it nicely it could be fun, but it could also be a shitshow. So who knows? Will keep my eyes open.

Now for Star and Sky or is it star in my mind? sky in your heart? what’s the title whats the subtitle. I think the most important is that I did not expect that bitch to talk like that, ok the mandatory comment has been said, moving on. There’s not much to say, it’s quite typical romance etc etc, formulatic uni students secret mutual pining etc etc... The kind that I kinda will forget immediatly, but depending on timing and mood and if the first few eps aren’t a snoozefest of terrible writing/pace/editing/etc, I could get into it to pass time. Or I could just completely forget it exists by the time it airs. Oh wait there’s mutliple stories in there ok. One’s dramatic one’s goofier it seems well I equally care about both I’d say. They both also strike an unexplainable sense of deja vu wonder what that is wonder what its about...(EDIT from me later on on the post I don’t think I”d watch it actually given I had forgotten the very simple name of it after just a few more teasers and had to go all the way back...and then i dont remember exactly what was up so do I care actually I think not)

Next Home School and damn yall rly don’t like schools huh. I don’t think they even want to avoid the comparison when tehy reprise so much of the cast but someone tell them they’ll never have another Gifted like. If they turn it into full horror that doesnt lose too much of its tension to repetitive teasing of a mystery and make it mostly tense and dangerous, I could be hello into it tho, but to trust they won’t drag a story at all, it’s a bit too much faith. I do have to say at least the trailer is well crafted, so maybe they should keep the same editor and it’ll be fine (i say that in knowledge that editing a show and a trailer is two different skills i kno. i kno. still tho.) cause next to Some Other Teasers, it didn’t feel so agonisingly long. Twas fine twas fine. Once again, I’m not closing my eyes, keeping it in mind, it doesnt feel fresh exactly but it also doesn’t reek of disaster for now. Could be fun if they don’t shy away from cheesy full horror moviesque show.

Cupid’s last wish is huh. Something. Got me invested in the cute lil farm life like yea yea send these two to the countryside again I don’t mind. And then it just??? What is happening??? It’s punches after punches, first turning it into big dramatic family kerfuffle and then the one of the jhhfhs bodyswap??? I think this concept is best represented in it’s nature of absolute rollercoaster by the jump from fighting and struggling against the docs to?? they are holding each other??? Ok???? what is going on?? most baffling teaser so far I am absolutely at loss for words it’s like they knew anything Earthmix would still pull in the view so they just threw in their passion project of completely bonkers plot made of every idea without any judgement of whether or not itd work. Would watch if the second teaser is even more messy because I do love a mess that really delves deep into being a dumpster fire. 

I get to watch stuff I wouldn’t even glance at for the sake of completion, so lets go with mh, Oops! Mr. Superstar Hit on Me, which I’d have a hard time judging fairly given I’d have skipped it in any other circumstances. ITs very wattpad romcom which I can get into but I wouldn’t trust gmmtv wwith my life to pull it off, though the vibe of the comedy bits we got here n there were fine, I just don’t really trust a genuine romance build idk, not like I care much anyway sdhdhds. so not like i have much thoughts to give

Once more, My Dear Donovan certainly will exist I suppose. And I will not exist in the same area I suppose. This one didn’t even have the hints of fun banter Mr Superstar did, instead this is just eh. Very typical boring ol romance with the usual tropes and unlikeable main man. At least the narration’s self awareness tells me they know they’re just making a show, doesn’t make it better but well. Love the shit green screen tho.

The Warp Effect has a lesbian in it. It also has the world’s stupidest plot. Fact is don’t side eye me but was that a movie with the same plot and characters I may watch it, in a post-good way. But as a show? I don’t have that sort of time to dedicate to it. Need to say though that “there will be a natural disaster everytime you have sex until you fix these people’s sex lives” is a sentence I’ve heard now, and I’m fine with it.

My reviews were getting shorter so thankfully The Eclipse comes in and I do have stuff to say, first of all ANOTHER EVIL SCHOOL? I don’t mind. Also this one I remember watching partly at lunch and wondering, huh, this is multiple shows. What is this about? And then The Mutuals said the same so glad the confusion is shared. Is this horror? Is this enemies to lovers rom com? Is this action? Is this mystery? Is this supernatural? Conspiracies, homoerotic fights, school gangs, time travel... I guess there’s everything in here. And that’s not something I mind I’d say, in a teaser, all at once, it sure is a lot, especially because they went with “lets compartiment it in genre subsections” basically, it could work though, if they balance it well, I am into genre fusion kind of movies, in shows that are given much longer air time? I can trust it in the abstract sense. Now to see how it evolves. Bit confused but not too afraid, I’m allowing the door to be open ajar. Though feeling it’ll either be fine, or a shitshow, but if its the later, I also feel itll be easy to tell from the get-go, if they manage to merge the genres and introduce the plot well, then it’s only at risk of the usual filler and overstretch, but if they don’t it’s usually evident quite quickly so, not afraid.

Good Old Days isn’t exactly my type of stuff, not so much getting bad vibes as just ‘not for me’ vibes. Seems cute etc etc...But would probably kind of bore me if the teaser’s anything to go by. Kind of another one that I feel is probs best suited for movie form but oh well.

Never Let Me Go 👁👁 could be fun could be fun...why did my text go up though....girl help how do I get down Ok ok this is a “please be good please be good”, cause I do loooooooooove LoveVSduty, big drama in the family, crime etc etc they did pull the Tropes, the correct ones, and the teaser was engaging!! interesting, a nice little flavour in here, good moments etc so I’m like, maintain that for a whole show and I’ll be the audience. I mean you know it’s good if I watch it a second time just becuase I lost 5 seconds of attention to my text deciding to fly up. How short I’m making this doesn’t convey my interest properly but know I’m mostly sparked by spite so it’s good that I have little to say except “I like what I see so far”. When the coeur hits, lil teaching to shoot gun, touch heart and falls asleep, dance on bridge togehter etc etc...n then the big drama orchestra of being in danger and struggles and mhmhmhmh ye they understand me. Don’t fuck this one up actually this isnt a “please be good” its a “if you dont maintain this i’ll bitch about it for a hot while”.

Once more, 10 years ticket is one I wonder about, in how it’d maintain its story as entertaining over what, 12 episodes? But maybe not to the extent of the others, as there is elements of mystery planted, so I’m a bit more curious about that one. I did loooove the lil confessionalish prison visitor faceoff sets, of the families one by one in front of the lil miss who “killed” someone, assuming there’s more there, and if they utilise the mechanic well it’d be great cuz I do am into heavy face to face dramatic dialog, there was a quantity of it there, keep that going. This is one that I could get into if they balance drama and mustery properly (tho I feel its def more intended to be more skewed towards tearjerking drama, I’m projecting what I want to see ok), and depending on how they build the characters, so this is kind of, needs to see it to know I guess. Hoping for a shorter span of eps on that one I feel it’d do it justice. I’m also saying that now but that’s the kind of content I need to be In The Moude for so idk man. Not necessarily on the watchout but it could work on me under special circumstances.

You Fight, and I Love. Hehe, boobies. Not to be a mysoginist but wish it didnt have a girl and was instead a sports anime. As a sort of romcom I kinda don’t care I want to see dudes throw hands as the main plot. Not uncute though, but def not to the extent I’d watch it bc I’d just spend the whole time like “this could have been about the highs and lows of boxing with the homies...”

Aight heading to the Midnight Series I do have to say, all of em share a great production as far as trailers show, like visually auditorily etc etc vibely if u wish, that’s fun n all. When it comes to story and specificities now,

That’s just because it had become my entire brain for a hot moment, but Midnight Motel, at a glance, when it threw it’s actual premise, only launched me into “HUH. Budget extracurricular without the mental illness??” so on those terms why would I watch, but it def has a more goofy feel, less of a social commentary one, and in fact, aside from the very basic premice of “youth do crime through specifically a sex work app”, there’s nothing of ressemblance, mainly, the mental illness comes from me and I’ve accepted the allegiance of my brain to a former show so now I’ll have to be the guy who goes “getting a lot of boss baby vibes from this” at any thing I see. Ngl I’d watch it though. If the production of the final product matches the one of the teaser, and its energy, I could be hella into it. So hey. There is some good news in there. But I don’t think I’m rallying to a crowd of enthusiast this is more of a “this ticks of some niche boxes of me”, I think the core premice can be a turn off? Idk it seems wacky in a good way to me. Nods Nods I’ll think about it.

Then uh. Moonlight Ch...Chicken...Has a certain title. Earthmix are EMPLOYED that’s certain. Good for them. Def not against it, they do work well together, and some vibes served there def Pique My Interests or something. I’m not exactly entirely in love either though, from teaser alone. I feel I need to see more to make an entire opinion Oh nvm I saw sign that’s the joker card to make me watch shit <3 but like it seems easy to enjoy, simply uncertain itd be a fave. And kinda fun and unexpected that I’d be more hyped about Motel than the gay romance/drama but HEY sometimes a bitch is full of surprises (it’s not so surprising actually, I know my taste. This was rigged by those character title cards in Motel. why am i talking about it on the Chicken review...oh no...I’ve got it bad...)

And at last Dirty Laundry, seems stupid in a way I could get into. Nanon in drag. Sure sure. Maybe out of the three the one I care about less because I’m hardly convinced at a glance by thai comedies, usually the movies and shows that aren’t comedy centric are funnier somehow, but I think that’s a bit of a constant about comedies in general ngl...In this case I saw potentials of jokes but not rly much of the ones they showed off landing. So well. But yea out of the three most likely to be forgotten by me by the time it airs sorryyyyy <3

How many body swaps did they put in this roster fdgdfsds...While I couldn’t care about in in Cupid’s last wish, Vice Versa seems to have a bit more of a potential, in how they defined the body swap. Another case of “well I can stay looking out for this one”, I think it seems pretty fun, and the trailer itself since to give enough to make a show out of (love stories, getting adjusted to the other body, the struggle of making connections that only exist there and not wanting to go back etc etc there’s potential there’s potential, there’s sustenance). So hey. Not bad. I can get behind that. Please be good you seem fun if you are.

Absolutely epic blood fx right at the start of PS I hate you, which, with the rest of the overall vibe, could sell something fun in the most trashy way. If they go 100% with it, making it as shamelessly over the top as they can, we can reach campy girlboss murder movie territory and that IS something I can get behind, but I want this to be a murder fest then. I want these girls to go apeshit. If they get just a bit shy with the concept and try to make it serious it’ll suck, but if they know to keep it light hearted then it’s a masterpiece to me. But then I’m talking from the perspective of a bad tv soap enjoyer.

Nothing against a fair and simple romcom, thus I have nothing against My School President. She doesn’t exactly spark up any love at first sight in me either though, in a way where I’ve seen her before, but she’s still a sustainable meal. The pasta of TV in a way. So once again, that’s one dependant on pace and vibe, and on timing of Me. Though in between this one and the one mentioned before with that final remark (star and sky?) had I to watch ONE I’d pick this one, she manages a better balance of light hearted and drama, and something fun>>>>>smth else when it comes to seeing reheated food. Maybe she could even pull out a VERY fun second final trailer which will make me go “actually I underestimated it i can get into it.”

Devil Sister ...exists IG. I’d rank it in “it exists and I’ll forget it does once the teaser is finished” which is sad win is still very pretty but alas u_u I’m running out of stamina there but also it’s very inoffensive n the premice is simple n cute, so I kinda wish I was into it but unfortunately they decided they couldnt just do typical they had to also make it boring, too bad too bad.

Get You’re my favourite going just to go “aaaah so THIS is the kristmike thing I’ve heard about mhmhmhm”. And more timetravel??? They had something for fantasy, but VERY specific fantasy this year. Travel in time or exchange bodies. Nothing More. Ok but also the concept here quite fun like dsjfdsds or at least I’d say teh Reveal, yea yea that’s fun. Having to look over my Krist bias but I SUPPOSE. I don’t have anything against this. Hurts to say nearly but i could be into it. I want to be a hater but they do do me dirty with some tropes and vibes so if you see me getting into it no you don’t. Like I can envision going “oh this moment of the plot prolly gonna hit oh this could be fun” so well. Time to be fair I suppose *through gritted teeth*

And the last one if I didn’t miss anyone, Astrophile, didn’t expect it to be a love triangle or smth. Funnily I’m not against hte vibes, if the whole thing’s lowkey and chill like that I could see myself watching not in a “following it” way but as a neat lil late evening unwinding while doing my duolingoes moment. Or maybe it’s just the soundtrack that grabbed with with that? I don’t know, I like a chill understated romance moment. Even when its a love tr*angle main story. Maybe they’ll be powerful and pull a trouple (no they wont but a bitch can imagine, I can always remake the story in my head if the plan’s to semi watch it just for relawing bg noise).

I’m too lazy to make a ranking cuz it’s late n I haven’t fetched my daily quest rewards on my mobile games so like. Still, as a recap:

So far things I’m lookin forward to would be The Eclipse, Never Let Me Go, Midnight Motel, 

and I’m still keeping an eye out for UMG, Home School, Motel Chicken and Vice Versa. 

May also, in secret, get into PS I hate you and You’re my favourite. But that’ll be a surprise. May or May Not. No One Shall Know. 

And may be, if the vibe is right, watch 10 years ticket, Dirty Laundry, My School President and Astrophile. But those are absolutely conditional the the weather and the alignment of planets.

In fact I know there are way too many names there for the quantity of enthusiasm I felt during watching, and for the stamina I know I can dedicate to TV nowadays, so that’s a lot of names, I’ll prolly end up watching what, 5 of those? If I’m really hyped? Who knows. I think a lot will be dependant on their final trailer and first ep, some of these ones really gave barely anything of an idea of what it’d serve. So whatever that’s my revieeeeew and I’ll be sleeping with possibly no thought at all about any of this because outside of being seen with Never Let Me Go and it’s bodyguard moment, they rly saw me not engage with the channel this year and said “k then we’re removing you from the target audience and making bland stuff bye” so sorry guys its all my fault u_u

[mistymark]

VIGILANTE/S IX

part nine // 4.6k words // superpowered!au // series masterlist

summary; in which you consider yourself somewhat of a vigilante.

warnings; mentions of alcohol and drinking, I think jaemin says ass at one point, rich people and things (dont be shy, eat the rich)

The rest of the day is spent in careful quiet. The warehouse feels empty, hollow, despite the fact that you can hear the rest of the team moving around, readying themselves for the ball tonight. You don’t see Jaemin the entire day, and you wonder if he’s out. Or if he’s just in his room.

Jaehyun is tense, and you stay out of his way as he mills around in his office, occasionally stepping out to retrieve more cups of his tea – no, it’s not tea, you remind yourself. Renjun sits at the dining table, where you’d eaten breakfast, leaning over a large blueprint that takes up half the wooden surface. When he’d passed you on his way back to his room to get something, you’d heard him mumbling to himself. You knew he was intelligent, but the constant murmuring was unsettling, and made him seem like a madman.

You’d thought that you’d at least have Donghyuck’s company throughout the day, but your room remained empty and silent, something you found equally unsettling.

It was late evening when you saw Donghyuck again, poking his head around the door to ask if you were ready to leave. It had felt like you still had hours before the ball, but the day had passed surprisingly quickly. Jeno still on your mind, you took a deep breath and nodded, standing. Donghyuck opened his mouth to say something but no words came out, as watching you look for your clutch. The red fabric of your dress fell gracefully to the floor and you adjusted the bust before looking at him again.

A smile made its way onto your face, “What?”

Your question seemed to take him by surprise, and Donghyuck’s eyebrows rose as he continued to stare at your dress. His eyes eventually made their way to yours and he cleared his throat, “Nothing. You look great.”

You grin at the compliment, then gesture to the door that’s blocking his appearance from view, “Well? Let me see!”

With a dramatic swing of the door and an equally dramatic eye roll, Donghyuck opens the door, bending in an awkward pose to “model” his suit for the ball. It looked even better than it had when he’d bought it, and he managed to pull off the bold red detailing beautifully, the warm colours perfectly matching his hair and skin. You couldn’t be sure – especially with the red walls in your shared bedroom – but it seemed like his hair had red, coppery undertones in it.

“You look phenomenal,” you say, and your words seem to please Donghyuck as he stands up, straightening his back with an easy-going smile.

“Always do,” he lets out a chuckle, before checking his watch. You’d never seen him wear a watch and wondered if it was new. “The cars should be here in a few minutes, so meet us outside when you’re ready. No rush, though.”

You nod and thank him, but you stay back a moment to look in the mirror and check your appearance for what must be the fiftieth time in the past hour. You were pretty proud of yourself – it had been God knows how long since you’d last worn a dress this grand. Or makeup, for that matter. When you could barely afford rent, makeup wasn’t a necessary purchase.

You toyed with your lipstick, adding another layer for good measure. The red was slightly darker than the colour of your dress, but it still complemented nicely.

When you stepped out of your room into the main section of the warehouse, you were almost surprised to find it empty. The rest of the team must have been outside, and you walked into the false entrance, reminding yourself to be careful to step over the metal door frame, which proved a little difficult in your heels. A hand was outstretched to you, and you gratefully took it, using it to steady yourself as you stepped over, making sure none of your dress was caught in the frayed metal. As you looked up, Jaehyun’s eyes met yours. He only nodded when you thanked him, and when he stepped aside, you noticed a slight frown on his face. You could tell his mind was elsewhere, probably on the Jeno situation.

Mark was fiddling with his sleeves nervously, oblivious to Johnny’s watchful eye. Johnny eventually groaned and turned to Mark, pushing Mark’s hand out of the way as he carefully fixed his sleeve, chastising him for not being ready on time. You watched Mark’s eyes widen before he whispered something back, rolling his eyes as he spoke. Donghyuck was staring out into the dark, down the road – you presumed he was watching for the cars. His expression was blank, but the way he kept scuffing his shoe against the ground gave away his nervousness. He was lucky Doyoung was too busy, as he probably would have told off Donghyuck for ruining perfectly good shoes.

Doyoung was talking to Renjun about something that you couldn’t hear. You noticed with a hint of amusement that Doyoung’s suit did actually match Johnny’s, as they were working together tonight and were supposed to be each other’s dates. You’d thought they were kidding when they brought it up day they’d gone to their suit fitting, but you hadn’t seen either suit when they returned. They looked like quite a pair.

Your eyes fell on Chenle and you almost let out a laugh. He looked annoyed, but his angst was offset by how great he looked. It was a black tie event, and most of the team were wearing various coloured suits with white shirts, but Chenle was dressed all in black. His suit was the darkest out of all of the team’s, and the black shirt and tie were almost indistinguishable in this light. The one streetlight on the street was a block away and leaned dangerously over the street, its light flickering. Out of habit, a whisper of a flame, burning blue, danced between his fingers, weaving its way around his hand like glowing water. You wondered if it took a lot of concentration, especially since he wasn’t looking at it. Your attention shifted at the sound of Donghyuck’s voice.

“They’re here,” Donghyuck muttered. His voice was barely above a whisper, but it was a quiet night, and everyone turned to look down the street. The flame in Chenle’s hand disappeared. A sleek black car pulled up to the curb and a man dressed in a suit that was too big for him stepped out. You watched him put on a ridiculous looking hat before turning to the car itself. The car was longer than any vehicle you’d ever seen, though you thought it was probably the same length as those that transported the big shot Supers to and from fights.

The driver opened the door and Doyoung gave Renjun a light pat on the arm as he said his goodbye, ducking as he stepped into the car.

You heard Johnny huff, “Just leave it”. Mark looked up at him helplessly as the older boy turned and followed Doyoung into the car. You stepped forward to follow, but stopped when you noticed similar elongated black cars turning into the street.

“We’re all going in different cars?” It was a stupid question, you knew, but you had to break the silence that had settled among the group. You didn’t want to draw too much attention to yourselves as you entered into the Crown’s headquarters, all arriving at the same time in the same vehicle. It made sense to all go in separate cars.

“Where’s Jaemin?” Jaehyun said to Renjun, and you looked around the group, only now realising he wasn’t there.

You didn’t hear Renjun’s response but watched him disappear back into the building. Mark got into the next car, waiting for Renjun’s return. They were posing as brothers, so it made sense for them to go together. There were four more cars – one for yourself and Jaemin, one for Chenle, another for Jaehyun, and the last for Jeno. You wondered if Jaehyun had noticed the mistake yet.

You heard Renjun’s voice before you saw him stepping out into the darkness, Jaemin’s arm slung over his shoulders. “He’s drunk.”

As soon as your eyes glanced over Jaemin’s appearance, you gasped. He was in his suit, at least, but his hair was a mess, and he had a dazed expression on his face. Whatever he’d been drinking was strong.

“He’ll sober up,” Jaehyun said, dismissively. You gave him a shocked look, and his eyes met yours briefly before he looked back to Jaemin. “Just get him in the car.” Renjun looked bewildered, but nodded, guiding your date to the next car. “Y/n.” Jaehyun stopped you. You looked at him, but there was a heavy silence that hung between you for a moment. After living with him for so long, you considered yourself almost an expert at reading him, but tonight you couldn’t understand the expression on his face. Tense, stressed, concerned? “Water. Lots of water.”

You averted you gaze, nodded and slipped your hand into Renjun’s as you lowered yourself into the backseat of the car. The door slammed shut behind you and you looked up at the ceiling of the car to catch your breath. Jaemin was sitting in the seat beside you, turned towards the window, and you took the opportunity to take in his appearance. The suit was black, but now that you were closer, you could make out subtle stripes of shiny black thread. His shirt was plain and white, if a little crinkled, but it provided a brilliant contrast to the black and red tie he had around his neck.

You’d noticed all the ties had been tied perfectly before you’d left and couldn’t help but wonder if they all knew how to tie them or if someone had done it for them. You just couldn’t imagine Mark knowing how to tie a tie.

Jaemin’s tie was neat, but you could tell he’d loosened it. The top button of his shirt was also undone.

“Jaemin,” your voice sounded too soft, and you wondered if he could even hear you.

“I know,” he said. You waited for him to continue, confused. “I know this was stupid. Drinking before a big job.”

He winced as he leant his forehead against the window, not expecting the glass to be cold. You knew the last thing he needed was for you to start ripping into him as well, especially after you’d heard Renjun give him an earful before you’d left. The smaller boy had been tense all day, and you assumed his frustration was more related to his own task at the ball rather than the weight of Jaemin’s drunken body.

Instead, you leant towards the rack of glasses and reached into the ice bucket, finding a bottle of water, “Just drink this. You honestly don’t seem that drunk, anyway.”

He gave you a grateful smile as he took the bottle, unscrewing the lid, “Yeah, well, my body doesn’t really take long to get alcohol out of my system.”

“I didn’t even think you could get drunk, honestly,” you said, thoughtfully. Your expression almost made Jaemin laugh, the slight frown on your face indicative of how hard you were thinking about it. You knew he didn’t really drink, and until recently you thought it was due to some religious belief, but it had been revealed that he just found it a waste – of money and of alcohol – because it hardly had an effect.

“It takes a lot,” he admitted, taking a swig of water. “But I can.”

“How much?” You asked, noting the slight smell of alcohol that seemed to radiate from him.

He opened his mouth to answer then promptly shut it. A moment later, he spoke, “I don’t think you want to know.” He turned to you with a smirk on his face, but his eyes widened slightly, as if he was only just noticing your appearance, and a single word tumbled out of his mouth quietly, as if he had no control over his words, “Beautiful.”

Taken aback, you leant away from him in your seat, slightly. “Excuse m-?”

“You look beautiful,” he said, though this time he couldn’t meet your eyes.

You wondered if the increase in your heart rate was due to the growing nearness of your mission tonight or the compliment, but, regardless, the warmth that flowed through you made you falter. “Well,” you started, wearily. You breathed in and gave him a wide smile, “I’d say the same but…” you gestured to his messy hair and wrinkled shirt, teasingly.

He groaned and leant back in his seat, a hand covering his face, “Ugh, Jaehyun’s gonna kill me if I look like shit.” You laughed.

Leaning up on your elbow, you looked out the tinted windows to see where you were, “I don’t think we’re far away.” It had been almost half an hour since you’d stepped into the car. “We can fix you up before we go in.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” He asked, and though you gave him a light punch to the gut, you were glad that his usual flirtatious demeanour had returned. Jaehyun was right; he did sober up quickly.

Your attention was caught by the sound of a window rolling down, and you raised a finger to your lips to tell Jaemin to shut up as you listened to your driver talk to a security guard. He handed over two invitations and you watched as a guard shone a torch into the driver’s face, asking for identification. Two more guards, from the other side of the car, walked along the length of the car, shining their torches into the car windows. The door beside you was yanked open, and a gruff voice asked, “Mr and Ms Melrose?”

You nodded, offering a bright smile that you hoped didn’t falter when Jaemin’s arm wrapped around you. “That’s us,” you could practically hear the grin in his voice.

When asked for identification, you “accidentally” elbowed your husband in the stomach as you searched your clutch. Jaehyun had given you fake IDs, and you were supposed to be posing as young newlyweds. You handed your ID over with confidence, turning your head to Jaemin expectantly. He handed his to a guard standing at his window. The guard nodded then shone his light around the inside of the car, checking for any other passengers.

When he was content with his search, he nodded his thanks and shut the door in your face. After two swift knocks on the top of the car, the driver pulled away and the gates ahead opened. It was the same gate you’d watched hours of footage of, and you leant towards Jaemin to see out the window at the large property.

The video feed had not done the mansion justice. Its cream coloured exterior was made to look like it was made of marble, and you wouldn’t be surprised if it actually was marble. It was at least four storeys, though you were pretty sure it had two sub-levels. Large balconies extended from the upper levels, with ornate floor-to-ceiling windows opening on to them, like large glass doors. Most of the lights were on, the windows illuminated, and long, sheer white curtains occasionally fluttered in the slight wind.

The entrance was by far the most impressive part of the building; large stone steps led up to the doors, which were opened by two guards in black suits for each guest, the large doors too heavy to be opened without assistance. A carpet had been laid out on the steps, and you watched as people gracefully ascended the stairs, their suits and gowns standing out against the bright red fabric.

“Wow,” you said, looking at the magnificent structure in awe.

“Yeah. Wow,” Jaemin agreed, not sounding all that excited. You turned to look at him, but his eyes were already on you. It took you a second to realise you were leaning over him, your faces only a few inches apart. Not to mention your current hand placement.

To steady yourself in the moving car, you’d placed a hand on the seat right between his legs. You removed your hand, sitting back in your seat, “Sorry.” You winced as you turned away.

The driver pulled into a circular driveway and you waited as people ahead of you exited their cars. Once a car had dropped off its guests, it drove around the loop and out onto a road leading to a separate gate, where they were stopped and checked by the guards once again. When you pulled up to the top of the circle, a guard walked to Jaemin’s door and stopped, waiting. You wondered what he was waiting for, but you got your answer when you noticed a similarly dressed guard stop by your own door. Simultaneously, your doors were opened and you waved off the hand that offered to help you stand up out of the car. Grabbing your clutch you stepped away from the car, but before you could double check you hadn’t forgotten anything, the door was closed again and the car was already driving away.

Jaemin waited for you on the curb, and you tried to stifle your smile, “Yeah, we definitely need to do something about your hair.”

He rolled his eyes, fighting his own smile. You grabbed his arm with your free hand, using your clutch to gesture to an area to the side of the steps where you could quickly adjust his appearance before going up the steps.

When you were sure you weren’t in an area that would cause any hassle, you pulled out a small mirror from your clutch. “Here,” you handed it to him before turning to look up at the building’s entrance. One of the guards there was looking in your direction, and you couldn’t be sure if she was looking right at you, but it still made you uneasy.

“Thanks,” Jaemin said, passing the compact mirror back to you as he fixed his shirt, retucking the material into his dress pants. You didn’t think that it would make much of a difference, but you were surprised by how crisp he managed to look. “Let’s go.”

“Wait,” you stepped in front of him. “Your tie.”

His eyebrows set into a slight frown, “What?” “Here,” taking a step forward, you reached up to his collar, pulling the material together and buttoning the top button. Suddenly, you felt his hand on your waist, and your eyes widened as you looked up at him. He was looking at something over your head, and stepped to the side of the path, moving you with him. A group of guards passed by, and Jaemin nodded at them, a tight-lipped, polite smile on his face.

His attention stayed on them until they were well and truly passed, but when he looked away and back down at you, his gaze softened, “Sorry, I just didn’t think you’d want them brushing against your dress or something.”

“It’s okay,” you breathed. You don’t know why you avert your gaze, but something in his eyes makes you look down. “Er, your tie is loose.” You’d meant for him to tighten it himself, but he just simply jutted his chin up for you to do it, instead. You raised an eyebrow at him, reaching up and tightening his tie. After a millisecond of deliberation, you pull it as tight as possible.

He knew what you were trying to do, and instead of complaining about how tight it was, he just tilted his head from side to side, a ghost of a smile on his face, his voice dry, “Thanks, that’s more comfortable.”

You smile at him sweetly, “I do what I can.” Something over his shoulder catches your attention – a sleek black car identical to the one you’d arrived in had just turned into the circular drop-off zone. “Come on,” you say, sidestepping around him and walking in the direction of the entrance. The sudden absence of his hand on your waist was made apparent almost instantly, and you realise he’d never taken his hand away after moving you out of the way of the guards.

Jaemin quickly caught up with you, which was pretty easy considering you were a little slower in the heels, and stopped at the base of the staircase. You hadn’t noticed that the entrances of each carload of people was timed, with each pair or individual ascending the stairs about 20 steps ahead of the next. You’d have to wait for an opportunity to slip in between another carload of people.

You watched as a guard opened the door of the black car you’d seen pulling into the driveway, and you were suddenly hyperaware of your breath catching in your throat. Jaehyun gave a pleasant smile to the guard who’d opened his door, stepping out of the vehicle with ease. You’d struggled in getting out of the car yourself, what with the length of your dress and the heeled shoes you weren’t quite used to yet, but it came as no surprise that Jaehyun managed to accomplish the same thing much more gracefully. He’s not wearing sticks on the base of his shoes, you reminded yourself.

He glanced over at the two of you, but his face remained neutral, as if he’d never met you. Exactly like you’re supposed to be doing. His eyes move to Jaemin, and he gives a polite, slow nod. You drag your gaze from him to Jaemin, and move your hand to the crook of his elbow.

Jaemin’s still watching the people walking up the stairs, but he moves his arm to a horizontal position in front of his chest almost immediately, as if he was a gentleman ready to escort you. As if he could be anything close to a gentleman. When the next group of people appear to be taking a little too long, Jaemin turns his head to you, smirking, “May I?”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes, though it takes more effort than you thought it would, and you take a deep breath. Wordlessly, you nod, and he gives you a nod back, before you begin your ascent. When you reach the top, the guards open the doors for you, and you notice that it’s not just the two guards on the outside tackling the weight of the door, but four, another two placed on the inside. All of them are stony-faced, and the girl who’d been staring in your direction before didn’t meet your eyes.

The interior of the mansion is by far more beautiful than the outside – something you didn’t think possible until the guards at the large doors pushed them open for you. You were glad Jaemin was at your side, keeping pace, because you could have stood in the entryway for hours, taking in the grandeur.

The walls were made of the same stone as the outside, but artworks with exquisite gold frames and other metal décor brought out the stone’s warmth. You couldn’t help but notice the extreme contrast between the mansion’s interior and the stony interior of the warehouse. The entryway was a large, open space, and you could see corridors branching off from all four corners of the room, though the grand staircase in the centre was its best feature. The steps led to a small landing, before diverging to curve around a large chandelier that hung from the high ceiling. The chandelier was long enough to extend from the roof to below the staircase two storeys below, and you had no doubt it was worth more than your life. The chandelier was probably worth more than the whole warehouse, including everything inside it, you thought.

The stairs on the exterior led you to the second floor, and you lamented at the thought of having to go up another staircase, just to eventually go back down – you presumed the ballroom was on the second floor, where the windows and balcony doors had been opened. The staircase inside would lead you to the third floor.

You felt Jaemin lean closer to you slightly, as you begun to walk up the steps, “This is what I imagine the inside of Jaehyun’s ass looks like.”

You stifled a laugh, “Awkward time to say I love it, then, isn’t it?”

Jaemin gave you a lopsided grin. After a moment, he spoke again, “I’m nervous.” He didn’t sound nervous at all.

“About what?”

“About which direction we go when we reach the landing thing. Do I go one way and you go the other? Do we follow the people in front of us? Or go the opposite way?”

It was a bit ridiculous, but you found his words comforting. As if he was so sure that everything would go perfectly well tonight, the only thing he had to worry about was how to walk up a staircase.

“Y/n?”

You pulled yourself from your thoughts, “Yeah. Sorry. I think we go the opposite way to the person in front of us.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Though you were mostly assuring yourself, and not him.

When you reached the landing, you both seamlessly stepped to the right, before reaching the top. You were led down a long hallway, which eventually ended at another large pair of doors, accompanied by guards.

These doors stayed open – too many people coming and going, apparently – and you could hear music playing through speakers you couldn’t see. Obviously large, black speakers didn’t fit the look of the ballroom, but even from the other end of the room, the sound from the stage sounded perfectly clear.

The ballroom had the same high ceiling as the main entrance, though this one stretched to the uppermost floor, where you could see handrails ringing the room, areas where the members of the Red Crown could watch over the party. It was a startling reminder of your purpose here.

The room was decorated in the same creams and golds, though the décor came from the wallpaper and ornate windows, rather than paintings and statues, as you’d seen lining the entrance and hallways. The sight of actual armour – despite it being hundreds of years old and terribly ugly – erected in one of the hallways had almost made you laugh. The Red Prince clearly had terrible taste.

The walls glittered with gold thread, twisting its way through swirls of blush pinks and rose golds. It was like a sick version of one of Jaehyun’s suits. In any other room, the wallpaper would have been hideous, but the windows on both sides of the room, large and interspaced, separated the panels of wallpaper. The windows arched at the top, something you hadn’t noticed when you had arrived, and you could see that people had already begun to move out to the balconies, the white curtains slightly obscuring them from view. The privacy of the little balconies looked much more welcoming than the pit of people mingling at the base of the stairs.

You weren’t expecting so many people. You’d read the guestlist a hundred times over, but for some reason, it was startling to see them all at once. Without even trying, you could spot at least ten well-known criminals right off the bat. And it was made worse when you noticed they were engaging in happy, polite conversation with equally well-known politicians and celebrities.

You could feel your composure slipping as you stepped forward to the small staircase that led to the ballroom floor. You’d probably been gripping Jaemin’s arm a little too tightly, because his other hand came up to rest on your own. Without looking at you, he whispered, “This is gonna suck.”

[himitsu-luna]

It's time to wake up

♪~ Now playing – "Beautiful Goodbye", by Chen~♪

Pairing: Taeil x reader

Genre: Angst / College AU

Theme: Break up

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long have you been together? Four years? "Yes, four years". This thought suddenly popped up in your head this afternoon, and refused to go away since then. It's already night time, and you're laying down on your cozy bed, looking at the white plain ceiling, that for some unknown reason is particularly interesting today. "Four years", you repeat for the 100th time, closing your eyes.

"Why does it feel so odd?"

You and Taeil met in both of your first year of college. He was friends with your friends, and as soon as you laid your eyes on each other, you felt some sort of connection. You've never believed in butterflies living in your stomach, but they proved their existence, and showed you that they knew how to make some noise.

Everyday at lunch time, you gathered together with your group of friends, and your eyes were always looking for a glimpse of that person who made your heart curious.

You started to see each other more, and in every single of your encounters, that eagerness to be physically and emotionally closer became bigger and bigger. At a certain undertemined point, you already loved each other, in the most pure meaning of the word.

Half a year later, when both of you were a little bit too drunk and a little bit too red during a hang out with your squad, your secret feelings surfaced in the form of a playful kiss, in a dark corner of your friend’s apartment.

You have been in a relationship since then, and since then you feel like you are in a too vivid happy dream.

But why you're feeling so lonely?

Now your attention is on a picture you keep on the desk beside your bed. It's a photo of Taeil and you, smiling together, on a trip you took to the beach at your first year anniversary.

“We were such a perfect couple”, you whisper to yourself.

You "were"? This made your heart ache. “We ARE!”, you correct yourself quickly, startled with the sentence that has just escaped through your lips.

He was now at Japan, as an exchange student. It has been three months you're having this long distance relationship. Three months of you feeling this strange hollow in your chest.

Just three months... Are you sure of this?

You are now contemplating a spider, weaving its web in a spot of your book shelf. "It's working so hard. It just want to trap its food, but I think I'll need to tear down this later", you think randomly.

Suddenly you hear your phone ringing. It’s him. Your heart skips a beat. He wants to have a video call? Well, thats unusual. He never has the time. But you are happy and you answer the call with a little flame of hope warming your chest.

You chat a bit, but you can see he is so far away, and his smiles don't seem natural. After a while, he drops on you that infamous cliche phrase you've always feared to death: "We need to talk". You now feel numb and can't breath properly, like you're immersed and sinking slowly in a sea of despair.

He is breaking up with you. He is saying he can't say "I love you" to you anymore. He is saying it's unfair to you. He is saying you should stop here while you still have this beautiful affection for each other. Stop before things become too ugly and you two regret having met. And tears, a lot of them, are falling down through his sharp cheeks.

But the curious thing is: you can't cry. He is crying in front of you, but your own tears seem to be trapped inside of your blank eyes staring at the cellphone screen.

And that's because you already saw this coming.

So this is the weird feeling that has been bothering you for so long. You knew it.You knew it all along.

You felt it when he was too busy to talk to you. When he started to spend a lot more time with his friends than with you, by his own choice. When his touches were not the same anymore. When his little pecks at your cheeks to wake you up became inexistent. When his words became vague and distant. When the little things you had in commom became too commom and were no longer special. When you acted more like friends than like lovers. When his “I love you” before sleeping sounded guilty and empty. When you felt his love for you vanishing day by day, until it was completely gone. But you just decided to ignore all of this. You didn't want to be dramatic. Maybe you  were overthinking.

You wish you were.

-"Oh!" - you finally say, soulless, after an agonizing moment of silence that felt like an eternity.

You ask why and he explains his reasons, but his words cant reach your brain. You feel like a fool, but you can't stand seeing him crying. You dont hate him. You will never be able to hate him. You know, and this is what hurts the most, that you still love him deeply and sincerely, like it was your first day together. And then you catch yourself unciousciously forcing a little smile, saying with all the strenght you could gather - "Its ok". Everything your stupid brain makes your trembling mouth say is “Thank you. Thank you for being with me until now. Thank you for loving me. I was truly happy, so thank you. I hope you find a better someone, that can make you feel like staying, and can give you twice of the happiness you gave me. Thank you.”

You just stared at each other, and for a split of second you coud see in his eyes his caring and loving old self. He still adored you after all, but just not in the same way, and not in the same meaning as before. Neither of you want to end the call. This is your last moment. Your last memory. You stay like this, until your internet connection dies, and you feel like dying with it. Your eyes are now wide open, and you desperately try to resume the call with your shaking hands. You try so many times. So many times you lost the count. All you can see at your phone screen now is all of your missed attempts, and that familiar face in his profile picture smiling at you.

When you finally gave up, the understanding and the meaning of everything that just happened hit you like a sharp blade into your already bleeding heart. You'll never see him again. You'll never touch him again. You could not even cry properly and tell him everything you wanted. You didn't even had the chance to hug and kiss him one last time. You lost your entire universe in a matter of minutes. Your whole story together is now going through your mind like a movie, and here you are, alone, shedding that tears that have been actually willing to be spilled for a long time now. Your heart hurts. And it hurts so so much.

The dream is over now. It's time to wake up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

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favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[coolgirl]

Jason expert rate Jason’s designs

sorry for being late i was busy with school but now i’m free so to celebrate. jason indulgence.

pre-crisis not robin

very cute. i like that it has a lil more of flair to it? the collar and the lines on the gloves and the shorter cape.. also love it has pants. king rlly king. wonder if they already knew he was gonna be robin anyways or if they were still considering nightbird. anyways, 8/10 bc its cute

pre & post-crisis robin (bc its basically the same)

i mean its a classic.. however it reminds me jason was the only robin who was simply given dick’s clothes rather than like. have an unique look? which sucks. 7/10 middle child syndrome is REAL

post-crisis robin (winter edition)

OKAY NOW THIS. i absolutely love. is it tacky? oh yes without a doubt. i still love the pants and the sleeves. finally winter clothes for this child, especially considering his new titans scene where he was bitching about the costume not being snow proof. he got what he wanted! 9/10

new 52/rebirth costume by

EPIC. IDC I LOVE IT.the circles on his arms and his boots.. the lines on his legs.. i just love it. i love the red mask too… it feels.. not more unique, but feels more jason-y than the other costume. 10/10

NOW. onto older stuff

hush

as u can see im VERY confusion about the pouches and the straps?? why??? whats the purpose.. generally its fine. the white strand moved a nation and i think the chest piece is cool, but everything else.. uglee. like the long as hell jacket and him looking 40 years old like why r u 19 looking like fifty? ugly white man. 5/10

winicks/utrh version

LITERALLY A CLASSIC. i love this costume sooo much. like jason obviously grew out of it, as in it wouldnt make sense for him anymore to go with something like this as his main costume because i feel like this fit the utrh mood (him not veing a vigilante/hero/villain whatver but trying to be a mob boss n shit) and it just. fucks. i love the helmet just being plain with no stupid mouth or nose shape. i simply love it. 10/10

nigthwing

its just. its just the nightwing costume. didnt even try he just stole that from dick. he still rocks it and looks better than dick, and u gotta give him points for accessorizing with his dagger. 7/10

red robin 

im not. a big fan of this costume.. i think the cowl is ugly, it just does not work for someone as big as jason… however i do like why he took this mantle and what it meant.. 6/10 no words head empty. 

oh brother. furryman

ITS SUCH AN UGLY COSTUME. muzzle batman walked so muzzle red hood could run. its just. ugly like ugly. i dont like the ears or again the muzzle or whatever the hell is going on in the arms.. its just so edgy. 5/10

WANNA KNOW WHAT A SEXY EVIL BATMAN COSTUME LOOK LIKE?

Injustice 2 batman

I2 HAD IT IN THE BAG BABY. i like that its like classic batman costume but again! with some jason touches! the red eyes, the electric tiddies making a comeback.. epic genuinely epic. 10/10

and if ur not into evil jason

100% dad ‘i have my life figured out’ batman jason 

just like the nightwing costume this is just. batman costume. nothing special or different from it so its like did u even try? BUT in this scenario it actually means smth that he stuck to bruces costume.. sweet.. but boring. 7/10

speaking of. evil ugly designs. ugh i hate this.

this motherfucker

ive never. ever. felt as humiliated by a costume than thetime jason wore this. like MORTIFYING RLLY. its DISGUSTINGGG. the helmet shape. the fucking WHITE. the SKULL PLEASE WHO DESIGNED THIS WHO HATES ME IN PARTICULAR SO MUCH??? THIS MAN DOES NOT FUCK! HES UGLY! HE STINKS!!!! the red guns are epic that much i can say. LOOK AT THOSE PANS GOD ITS SO HUMILLIATING. 0/10 WORST COSTUME EVER.

HOWEVER. winick and the artist spun GOLD from it, because next time jason wore possibly my favorite costume to date

this motherfucker…2!

like look how much better it looks with a little of swag.. the helmet without eyes.. the belts.. the fucking leather jacket.. keeping the red guns/gloves.. like seriously i dont know a better man. the skull is still awful and i wouldve replaced the white for black and MWAH best costume. like the black part at the top make it all red and the white make it black.. god this jason fucks massively i love him. 11/10 my favorite by a landslide perhaps

new 52/rebirth red hood

OKAY I KNOW theyre slightly different (rebirth has shorter sleeves and a more padded look) but to me its like. same thing. okay i think its.. fine. its not phenomenal but its not ugly.. i like the brown jacket more than the black jacket i have to admit, its more distinctive and i simply like the color more, however i do not.. like jason having the bat symbol.. but thats also a me thing about how badly written this is. anyways. the helmet with the mouth disgusts me and everytime its drawn like that its humilliating. like. 7/10. maybe 7+. when it has the mouth or like nose ANY FACIAL EXPRESSION RLLY its a 5. 

wingman

oh i absolutely despise that helmet. he looks like fucking. terminator. its the ugliest shape ive ever seen and the visor is.. huge. i dont like the shoulder pads either idk what the fuck its going on with the thing around his neck either.. like hes. knockout batman and i HATEEE IT. damians costume slaps tho. i just… its… ugly. like.. 3/10. 

get damian back arc red hood costume

oh im a HUGE fan of this design.i love how his costume is designed in a way thats like. if jason was a dnd character he absolutely would be a tank. the padding, the red undertones everywhere, i just.. love it. i like how all the costumes were done to reflect their personalities you know.. i like this robin red hood hybrid. 9/10 would even say 10/10 bc i just enjoy how gleason draws jason.

red hood/arsenal costume

its like. i dont hate it completely (i love the way the hood+helmet looks) and thats.. yeah thats pretty much all i like about it. i HATEEEE the vest i hate it fr.i hate how huge the sumbol is and idk this costume just does not spark joy. 5/10

outlaw costume

okay this one. this one drives me insane. because like. okay i dig parts of it. i like the lack of sleeves. i like the gloves thingies. i like the hood. i could get aboard him ditching the helmet - it breaks all the damn time anyways. i like the stripes on his pants in the boots. ALL SEPARATE? NEAT. now i hate. hate. the muzzle. like WHY IT LOOKS SO UGLYYY LIKE SO UGLY like unless the artist GETS IT and is SEXY it looks awful. look at this

AWFUL. also like it made sense for when he was on the run and he had to make do and assemble a costume from what he had but like now hes sponsored by lex, get that man a goddamn new suit already please. anyways. 6/10.. like i said i like many elements from it but its still.. kinda ugly all together and depends A LOT on the artist.

three jokers

im torn on this one.. i think its a bit boring.. i dont rlly like the top part, it reminds me SOO much of that one tt issue where he beat the fuck out of tim while wearing a robin costume like i understad the implications of him wearing a costume thats similar to the robin blouse but im not a big fan.. also i prefer the brown leather jacket. its like not his worst costume by far but not the best.. like pretty basic?  i would say 6/10

NOW SOME AUS.

tiny titans & lil gotham

okay these two are like. pretty much the canon versions of robin and red hood HOWEVER they both have details that are different from the original version and DESERVE a mention. the curls on robin jason and jasons red gloves/belt are ICONIC. whoever designed them knew what they were about, so 10/10 best bapy jason.

arkham knight

does the person who designed this know how much theyve done for the lgbt community? i hope they do. i love.. a lot about this costume. i love the ears, i love how techno it is, i love the layers to it.. im.. not a big fan of the whole military thingy but i have to admit that applying it to the design itself is kind of neat.. i love the colors too and how.. practical it is while being. well. kinda dramatic? the whole bat aesthetic.. yeah. i love it. 9/10

arkham red hood

this one.. when u think about it the outlaw version is VEEERY similar to this one: the pants, the hood, the jacket eve. however i like this helmet so much more, i have a weakness for eyeless (??) helmets.. i like the little details of it as well, i remember that pic going around of it being held together with like. fuckign stitches and bandaids. legendary. i love this look, i would say 9+/10

injustice 2 jason

okay gonna go ahead and say it: not a big fan of the helmet. it looks like.. a bug? the lenses do not spark joy. this bitch has many styles and like toners etc and i will no rate them all. i think its a pretty basic design, not the best but not the worst either. like if it was an exam i would make them pass but make faces at what im reading like eeehhhgh. 7/10.

hag jason

middle one is like literally, on the outside and superficial level, just. his usual costume. the jacket and the grey kevlar and the bat. now the gloves are sexy as hell.. and in the whit ebackground one u can appreciate the under costume better and i really like it?? i just.. like the design. I HATE HOWEVER the bat helmet. WHY IS IT HOLLOW?? BITCH HELLO?? AND THE BATMAN SYMBOL DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! and i like things making sense!!!. we will not talk about jason in this book. like.. 8/10. maybe 9 if im feeling it.

hag jason 2: the hagger and the furious

hes just.. a little old man.. he cannot change this.. i like this design. i like seeing jason grow old. wish it wasnt in this context. my father rlly. 8/10

—-

am i forgetting any jays.. i wont do all animated robins because they all look the same and the one that doesnt i do not like. SO HERES my thoughts..

[liar-reyne]

“It’s a tricky cut- How did you say it happened again?” Asked the blonde woman as she slowly peeled away the layers of crude cloth bandages.

“Gas can exploded.” He replied. “Bit of shrapnel got me.” He winced slightly as the last layer was pulled away.

Bonnie nodded as she worked. With the last layer gone, she began cleaning the jagged gash. Without the pressure of the bandage it began to bleed again.

“Im sorry to drop in on you like this-“ he began, though was cut short by her tittering.

“You dont have to apologize for seeking medical treatment-“ she smiled at him.

Her face was a little pale, clear eyes curled into crescents over subtle shadows. But her smile was genuine.

“I mean- I know we don’t really see eye to eye on most things, and -“

She stopped him once more. “You mean that even though we butt heads at nearly every turn, you know- and appreciate- that I’m the best person to treat trauma wounds.”

He exhaled. “I knew you wouldn’t turn me away.” He could only barely feel her working on the cut inside his elbow. “And with my powerarmor damaged the way it is, there was no way I’d have made it back to the Prydwen with enough time to save my arm- perhaps even my life.”

“You’re being dramatic, you’re a soldier. If I wasn’t nearby I’m sure you would have managed a solution long enough to get you back in once piece.” She sighed, preparing suture line and forceps. “But i will admit, you were extraordinarily lucky that shrapnel missed any major blood vessels and your tendons. Dont you worry, you’ll be good as new in no time” she smiled at him again.

He felt some discomfort in his chest. Some nameless guilt. “How do you do it?” He asked in a hushed voice.

She raised her brows.

“Youre a soldier too. A veteran. Youve likely seen much crueler battles than I have, and seen worse-…How do you carry all of that and still have the patience to maintain such a gentle bedside manner with someone who” he couldn’t quite pick the right words. “- With someone like me?”

“You think I would be mean to you just because youve been a pain in the ass?”

“Not necessarily- I just anticipated that everything youve been through might’ve made you bitter or angry.”

Bonnie shook her head and dropped her gaze back to her work. “The world is plenty bitter and cold without my help. And sometimes when your world is crumbling around you- you have to be the the light of hope you’re holding onto.”

Danse remained silent. Carefully absorbing her words. He became aware in that moment, that Bonnie was living on a single belief that she held more precious to her heart than his love for the Brotherhood mission.

She treasured kindness and compassion above all else. And everything made perfect sense.

“If you can muster that compassion in yourself, then it must still exist in the world-“ he offered.

“Yes. I can trust and care and love. Even though this world is harsh and scary and cruel-“

Danse smiled at her. “I think I get it now- why you chose him-“ he nodded to the wall, where Hancock was asleep in the next room. “This is what you meant. He values compassion the same way you do- He’s the same light of hope you were striving to be…”

She nodded. “Isnt that beautiful? Hope? And not just the hollow promise- the action, the drive to make it real.”

“Yes.” He said. “Its the most beautiful thing I can think of”

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

m just really sad bc im rlly halfway into my degree and its just hitting me and i still have no friends and i m still failing and im so scared because i have nowhere to go after this is all over i have nowhere to go whatsoever im going to end up failing and i dont care bc i fucking suck at it but this is also literally like. ... like this is the only place tht i could go to, the only uni tht would take me and the only course, and i have nowhere else to go bc i just cant do anything else but i cant even do this like. i dont belong here so. obviously but i dont belong fuckin anywhere man im just terrified im just going to end up alone and i cant. i cant work im such a fucking mess i cant evenget up most days and i cant... do anythin. im just going t be stuck with all this debt and without anywhere to lvie and i just. bro what am i going to fuckin do man i jsut it was such a waste of time just delaying the inevitable . like every year tht passes im just filled with more regret like why DIDNT i kill myself at 18, at 16, at 14, at 12, at 9 at whatever liek . why did i keep ... thinkin i could outrun everythin like.... i dont know. i hate bein dramatic. but  it just feels like. a fucking lifetime of shit tht just never fuckin goes away man ... im still cryin abt half the same shit i was when i was 9.   im still so so fucking scared of my parents . like im still life terrified of my dad & i keep having nightmares abt him & he lives hundreds of miles away.  i still dont have friends - i still just keep finding myself useless and on the fringes of everything, at the butt of every single goddamn joke when im with people,  and just every single fucking night for years ive just... ended up crying alone in the dark .... and i still jsut. suck at everythin g. like theres still just been ntohin tht jsut . like i just want to feel GOOD for once, happy or proud of myself for once but i just. consistently fucking humiliate myself, embarass myself, and prove myself to be a disappointment and a let down to everyone and its just..... .  the stupi d fantasies cant help u at a certain point any more man. losing urself in a possible future where maybe its okay and just constantly being told it gets better ... like ggggod . im so so tired and im so tired of having to sustain myself off of tht. of it just being so worthless no matter what u do or how hard u try and ebing told tht ur so young you have worth . and it just comes out the mouths of ppl who dont know u, of strange fuckin proffessionals or strangers who dont know you and its just... i dont know im getting older and i jsut feel like ive missed out on so many years bc i cant manage any of it i cant cope and im getting worse and worse and theres nothing making it better. and i cant sustain myself on the .. stupid hollow empty shit im not strong at all im a fucking . BITCH frankly and i just dont want to fight like tht man i just want to be okay in some capacity even if i was just fucked up as hell still but jsut. at least had some ... something.... anything  but i dont and i cant. i cant get a grasp on anything even when i try and i jsut. im just so fucking inadequate man at everything and    like thts the thing right thats he thing there has to actually be something to make it worthwhile, to start change but it jsut... i can try alli want im just fuckin useless man. i dont kno whats wrong with me and i just feel fuckin trapped  and im going in circles ive been goin in SO many fucking circles jesus CHRIST love us all