#/ and for some reason ive had ppl read this as selfishness.

[moonrevolutions]

🌏 EARTH

°✩₊˚.⋆ anonymous. meme. still accepting!

🌏 EARTH - will they give up the world for someone they love? is this decision easy for them?

virote's of two minds with this. first off..... it sounds romantic to him, giving up something and sacrificing just for someone he loves. on the other hand, it doesn't sound sustainable or the right way to navigate interpersonal relationships, whether they be familial, platonic, romantic, etc etc etc. he's very willing to compromise though. virote's always going to gravitate towards the concept of compromise, because give the whole ' i would give up the world for you ' concept leaves a bad taste in his mouth. it's dramatic, it's too much, he's unwilling to believe actual adults think this way.

also context i guess... sometimes ppl use the term ' sacrifice ' all loosey-goosey when they really mean ' compromise ' or maybe even just simply dealing with change. like calling something a sacrifice because they dont want to do it doesnt make it a sacrifice, nor does a sacrifice mean changing unsavory behaviors or awful habits. caring for someone you love when they're ill or downtrodden? not a sacrifice... that's just love.

but the moment it starts costing him his mental, spiritual, and physical well-being + makes him not feel very good, that's when it's time to put the brakes on. because he's not over-extending himself like that. sometimes it's necessary to make compromise of time, wants and things, but never your values, overall health, or dignity... or ur entire life in general.. or well that's how he rolls.

anyway. if he has to think about any relationship in terms of loss and gain, that's gonna make him step back and re-evaluate the entire thing. at that point it doesnt even seem like a relationship worth keeping, no matter who they are. because he has to prioritize himself too. he has more than one person in this world that he loves. what about them? he can't break himself off for everyone. its alllll about fairness i guess.

it's funny because he does make little sacrifices of himself every day. masking his emotions so that no one sees how shitty he feels, because he doesn't want to worry anyone or he feels like no one will really understand. that's a cycle he's trying to break because it's really self-destructive; at the same time, he's yet to find himself in a comfortable enough spot with more than like one person to fully feel his own emotions in a space reserved for him. he doesn't feel particularly safe with anyone.

anyway it's not a black-white issue and there's a lot of nuances i'm too tired to rly get into so i'll just leave it at this text post i reblogged a few months back for vi's about tag:

sacrifice is a hollow sentiment we shouldn’t have to hurt and be in pain when we want to practice love did you know that

thx 4 comin 2 my tedtalk.

[ilynpilled]

ive been thinking about this a bit and i feel like i have some very different feelings towards certain things and strongly disagree with the implications present in the ways i see them discussed. i do not like to simplify these themes to “vengeance/punishment bad wahh”, because it does not at all feel complete enough to convey my true feelings, or the themes of the text itself for that matter imo, but like… ofc i personally cant read things like cersei’s walk of shame, where she is punished, humiliated, and dehumanized through the one thing she was unfairly condemned for her entire life— jaime’s brutal maiming and torture where he is humiliated, fed things like horse piss which he forces down because he is so thirsty before vomiting it back up, gets repeatedly beaten unconscious, and is nearly driven to passive suicide— theon’s excessive physical and mental torment that would take too long to list that breaks him entirely— and even a man as deeply evil as vargo hoat (who is not at all three dimensional) having his hands and feet and arms and legs cut off, be cannibalized, and even be forced to eat parts of himself, causing the pov character that swore to enact brutal vengeance on him to feel ill and repulsed once he finds out— and experience much, if any, catharsis, personal feelings about these characters aside. asoiaf is a series where the author pretty often deliberately places us inside the heads of bad people that have done terrible things, who some readers may feel a certain hatred for, as they are put through torment. not to make the reader feel good and satisfied about it, but to present it as something that should not really be a thing that we revel in, and encourage us to be critical about what is even gained through what they are going through. even a morally dark antagonist without a pov like joffrey and his death was meant to have elements of tragedy. during, tyrion notes that he is a young boy with fear in his eyes that he had never seen in the eyes of his father. whether you feel a certain way about it (and i am not arguing that you are morally flawed for not sympathizing with a fictional character, this isn’t real life, i am just discussing themes that i am identifying), the goal was not really to provide us with a feel-good “justice at last!” emotion through the brutally violent death of a 13 year old boy. it makes me genuinely wonder how some ppl come away with the idea that this series is intended to be a celebration and glorification of punitive justice. i am not saying justice in general is not a huge theme, and some catharsis, especially for victims, over the death/defeat of their abusers & tormenters is present in the text as well, understandably so, because it can mean safety. take pia smiling through broken teeth when jaime has her rapist executed and presents his head to her while setting a precedent with gregor’s men. some people need to die, and deserve it, but what does that look like? who decides it? why? by contrast, the instance of jaime actually feeling good when he hangs a bunch of random outlaws reads as something more tied to his current relationship to the self and certain selfish desires at this point in his story than real justice, and it is further elaborated upon and taken apart in the book. anyway, all these questions are present and the answers are not near as simple as i often see them made out to be.

it doesn’t feel like to me that most things that can be interpreted as enactments of punitive justice or moments of karma are these epic events that should just make the reader blindly cheer and applaud, or even feel good about. there is a reason that some things go awry (like with oberyn), and it isn’t cynicism. there is nuance, and not in a way where victims are condemned for fighting back, or a pacifist ideology is idealized. there just really isn’t a glorification of brutal punishment, ‘eye for an eye’ vengeance, and the needless causing of suffering. same with a blind upholding of duty and law based around flawed feudalistic constructs. and all these things should not even be conflated. not to mention that punitive justice exists also in a way where it is connected to institutions. take the faith and organized religion for example. the whole process is interrogated: what is sin? what sins are being punished? how? why? and what are the actual effects? be it jaime’s and brienne’s conversations/interactions with a bunch of different tertiary characters in affc, or cersei’s punishment in adwd. at the end of the day, she is punished for her body, for being a woman. she does not suffer “consequences” for her actual wrongs and the suffering she causes. she doesn’t really learn anything, and it will all just make her spiral more. the whole concept of punitive justice gets focused on especially with theon’s entire identity being withered away through torture. he experiences so much torment that there comes a point where he is robbed of his mind and agency. what does the “criminal” learn? how can a person change in these circumstances? what is the point, and why should we feel good about this? he is not even really “punished” for his crimes, and certainly not by people with any moral high ground over him, he is just being brutalized. same is the case with jaime in asos: it is a bad person being brutalized by men even more vile than he is, and they are not doing it because they want to deliver any justice to his victims. also, though the maiming does kickstart crisis with him specifically, it is not the determining factor when it comes to his reformation. this story is not actually saying that people can be, and should be, tortured into becoming better people, and if they can’t the solution is to just axe them. there is nuance, sure, mercy is not something everyone is entitled to in all circumstances. sometimes “mercy” towards certain evil people will lead to the enablement of the suffering of others, even entire populations. there are certainly circumstances where compromise isn’t an option. but, again, i dont think george is ever holding back on actually interrogating the moral quandaries when it comes to identifying cycles and ending them, and he is for sure not treating every single aspect of these conflicts as black and white. even tyrion murdering his father, who purposefully does have a very ironic and humiliating death scene, which is important thematically, doesn’t end in easy and feel-good catharsis, especially for tyrion, which doesn’t equal “oh, tywin should be forgiven and spared”.

all of this is also why i do not really see how events like the fall of house lannister (first of all, we know it is gonna include the likely very brutal deaths of two innocent small children), red wedding 2.0, valonqar etc would be these grand and glorious moments of justice and pay-off, treated as just the good guys finally getting an epic W. they will very likely be filled with tragedy, so i am genuinely curious about where these expectations for this kind of catharsis come from

[juni-ravenhall]

i saw some post about gender bathroom stuff and its so hilarious as a swedish person to read those. i may have said this before already but 99% of bathrooms here are unisex and theyre just actual small bathrooms, not stalls. that makes them generally comfortable and safe, combined with not being something you have to walk into a hidden hallway for... youre not any more vulnerable in there than anywhere else at the place really, bc its not out of the way.

the only places off the top of my head that have gendered stall bathrooms is the airport, ikea, and one of the cinemas. they do exist but its just rarer. all the schools ive been to except 1 had unisex bathrooms without stalls. (outlier was junior high... all bathrooms were trashed and in a bad state regardless of gender afaik, it wasnt a great school. but there were also unisex bathrooms here and there that u could use instead.)

ive never heard anyone complain about these unisex bathroom in my life besides general "that particular location has dirty/broken bathrooms" type thing, which is obvs an issue any sort of bathrooms can have no matter if unisex or gendered.

i feel like ppl who havent experienced normal Actual Room unisex bathrooms dont get that what u need to be mad about is the fact that companies / institutions / government / etc are REFUSING TO SPEND MONEY on building proper Actual Room bathrooms and cutting costs on building shitty stall bathrooms (both on the cost of building separate rooms, the space it requires, and on cleaning and maintaining it etc).

its not that theres anything wrong with this type of unisex bathroom at all. people with money just love to not spend money on useful things for humans if they can instead save that money and be nasty selfish assholes. it should be a given to design safe and comfortable unisex bathrooms that are real rooms in every public building that its possible, even if it costs more than building and maintaining shitty stall bathrooms. i dont respect any dumb fucking rich ppl cutting costs on good things ever.

also, as a person with IBS and stomach issues in general, and who was bullied throughout my life, i feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe when i have to poop or fart in the stall types of bathroom bc its just so open and audible to everyone. which can make me avoid doing that which in turn can create further health problems or stress and anxiety. there are so many reasons why i would hate seeing those stall bathrooms everywhere and as a queer fat person ive never felt comfortable in any gendered bathroom or locker room ever so its always insane seeing ppl say they think those are somehow okay. theyre not okay.

only actual, unisex, single person privacy is acceptable, everything else is a violation of your privacy in order for someone to save money.

[saintarmand]

8, 17, 21 & 22 for the iwtv ask thingy! 🤍

8. Who's your favorite actor?

jacob anderson. come on now. they're all great but he is ethereal. second place assad zaman

17. Have you read or watched anything because it was referenced in the show?

oh just a few things

love's coming of age by edward carpenter

chéri by colette

nausea by jean-paul sartre (louis was reading this in ep6 when lestat and claudia are playing chess while talking about nicki. you can't see the full cover but i went detective mode and figured it out)

madame bovary by gustave flaubert

a moveable feast by ernest hemingway (s2 first look "esurient hearts beating as one, the rumbling beast of the moveable feast")

iolanta (tchaikovsky opera)

don pasquale (donizetti opera)

pelléas et mélisande (debussy opera)

a doll's house (henrik ibsen play)

a streetcar named desire (tennessee williams play) + the movie with marlon brando

i didnt read the full text but i did hunt down and read parts of "de masticatione mortuorum, the chewing dead" that claudia mentions, full title "dissertatio historico-philosophica de masticatione mortuorum" by philip rohr (1679) (view the original manuscript here + english translation here)

i havent finished all of emily dickinson's poems yet but im getting there! (some of these i had read before ofc but im reading them all in order now)

ive also previously watched nosferatu (and rewatched it for iwtv) and the trimph of the will (NOT rewatching 💀 that was for a film history class) and ive read dante's inferno which louis mentions ("if i was to join dante's wood of the self-murdered...") and i highly recommend it!!! absolute fav

there's also stuff that wasn't directly referenced in the show but the fandom has drawn parallels to, that i've read and watched for that reason.

anne carson's an oresteia (to better understand all the agamemnon iphigenia clytemnestra electra comparisons people make)

giovanni's room by james baldwin

rebecca (1940 film)

theres def more movies but i cant remember lol

and theres some nonfiction books i've yet to finish bc im slow at nonfiction

the vampire: a casebook by alan dundes (cited by writers as s2 inspo! about irl vampire folklore)

black new orleans 1860-1880 by john w. blassingame for historical context

the theatre of fear and horror by mel gordon, on the grand guignol aka the inspiration for theatre des vampires (i did finish this one except for the summaries of all the plays, i decided to skip that there's so many. very engaging read and gives a lot of insight into the some of the bts stuff we've seen about the theatre)

louis's favorite movies from the tale of the the body thief!

la belle et la bête (1946)

the company of wolves (1984)

the dead (1987)

i may be forgetting some stuff. there's also so much more on my list that i mean to get to. a prayer for owen meany by john irving, of "memory is a monster" quote fame is locked and loaded for example

if anyone's interested to hear my thoughts on any of these feel free to ask i would love to talk about it!!!

all this and i've still only read the first 6 of the actual vampire chronicles. and im still procrastinating starting merrick

21. What was your favorite monologue of season one?

HMM the obvious one is louis's confession. ive watched the whole sequence from the funeral to the end of the episode a truly unhealthy number of times. also claudia's coffin monologue

22. Who's your favorite character? Why?

LOUIS. probably because i relate to him so much. instant connection. tricked into loving myself. also like hes literally louis how could i not love him do i need to even explain this

when i started reading the books i didnt care for book louis that much lol but i did become an armand stan. possibly bc i also relate to him im selfish like that i guess. also just his whole backstory and the way it informs everything he does is so fascinating to me. ppl say hes incomprehensible and hes literally not. everything he does makes sense when you consider his life experiences

iwtv ask game

[agapintheskin]

as someone who has troubles finding irl friends due to autism, fear, awkwardness, very little time and energy etc, having some sort of online community is essential for me to form friendships or at least likeminded people. People to talk to whether that's on a very superficial (fandom) level or then moves on to more personal things.

irl I've had some very good friends that I'd still consider ppl I love but I still have issues finding time and energy to meet them and essentially what happens is that you lose some connection over time, whether you like it or not, there will be things in your and their life that you might try and catch up on once you meet again but it will still feel like there's distance growing bigger and bigger. And I've also had plenty of friends, especially friends within larger friend groups, that ive lost due to fights, lack of shared interests, just growing apart.

In general, irl friends have never been close enough or stable enough to really trust them with deep shit or physical closeness. And for many reasons I've lost trust and got more anxious in getting close to people for fear of abandonment and, well autistic social reasons I guess.

On the internet it's very linked to my hyperfixations, lose it and the friends and acquaintances will most likely move on as well. Each time I find people that I legitimately have love for even if I will most likely never meet them, maybe sometimes because of it. I guess the physical distance tho sometimes lends itself to a different sort of closeness tho, more daring in what you open yourself up to.

At the end of the day I know rationally that those people I now, at this moment in time, found for myself, will not stay in my life for long, or at least not forever. And as an overthinker I'm already thinking of losing them, it's seriously annoying lmao. Like it's almost mean how I just know I'll have to say goodbye to them at some point while I'm actively having a great time.

All this to say, there has been people in my life, even recently, that told me they consider me their best friend and I have such difficulty to respond to that. It's not that it's not probably a mutual feeling (i don't know, what is a best friend?) but there's also expectations and fears connected to that for me. The loss would be bigger, the disappointment in me not being what they thought me to be would be bigger. It's so hard to explain. I just know that very few people so far have stuck with me, I don't have the strength to invest in friendships, i barely have the strength to invest in myself, and I know the people who consider me a friend, a best friend even, deserve to have someone that can't just make them laugh a lot but someone who can also be there for them when they're in trouble. And I'm so preoccupied with my own struggles that I can barely handle those situations.

I'm just a very selfish friend unfortunately. Idk what this is I just felt like writing this down, feel free to ignore, thank you if you read tho.

[mausolealdrift]

Do you have a deathgasm notp??? Sincerely, a canon zakk/Medina was a fucking cosmic fuck up incident truther

oh you’re absolutely right i have So many thoughts about this. sorry this took me forever to answer i needed to collect all of my thoughts together and all of that i am Normal about Characters

so like . for obvious reasons the thought of ppl genuinely shipping zakk and medina as in like……… thinking theyd actually be good together or smthn is a fucking insane idea and im So very glad ive only seen maybe one person say some shit like that. (which like. honestly im starting to think i might have imagined the post in my head just to make myself mad bc i havent been able to find it since ??? but i SWEAR i saw someone shipping them once .) the two of em actually being in a relationship would just be. Awful and unhealthy for both of them

(and yeah zakk and brodie arent exactly healthy for each other either . but in the sense that they both make each other Worse yet neither of them can stay away from the other even if they want to etc etc. which is actually sexy and not just . y’know)

but anyway . yeah Definitely a cosmic fuck up. medina deserves better than that :( like she’s been objectified and treated like shit by pretty much every guy who looks her way and then zakk lies to her abt the one guy who actually respects her to manipulate her into hooking up w him. give her a BREAK

but as much as it was The dick move of the century i think zakk had his reasons for it aside from just boredom. Obviously this is all very much my personal and extremely biased interpretation etc. but i think it was out of frustration more than anything else because he just can’t fucking cope with having feelings for brodie. regardless of whether you see those feelings as romantic or not he Cares too much about him. and he doesn’t know how to handle that so he takes his anger and frustration out on medina in such a spiteful and destructive way because it’s all he knows how to do. and whether he knows why or not, the idea of brodie getting closer with medina bothers him so so deeply – enough for him to try and sabotage their relationship at every chance he gets (and then later trying to keep them apart to stop brodie finding out what he did because he doesn’t want to lose him) under the guise of just being bored or only caring about himself.

and i really don’t think there’s much of a possibility that he did it because he was into her, or jealous of brodie, or anything like that. zakk never showed interest in her at all until then (i.e. when she made a move to try and get closer with brodie) and just….. seemed generally pretty indifferent to her otherwise. if he really wanted to then he could’ve made a move before, but he didn’t.

he purposefully did something that he knew would hurt them both if they (inevitably) found out, maybe not because he genuinely wanted to hurt them but because he’s reckless and destructive in nature, (and maybe a little bit stupid sometimes), and just doesn’t know how else to handle or comprehend his feelings other than to take it out on other people.

i think a lot of the dickhead-ish shit zakk does in the movie seems kind of random and thoughtless and it’s difficult to unpick what his motivations are for the things he does aside from just ‘because’, but a lot of it starts to make a lot more sense when you see it as a result of him caring about brodie far more than he wants to, and not knowing how to handle it. he seems so cruel and uncaring, and he definitely wants to be seen that way, but i think he cares deeper than anyone else in his own (kind of incomprehensible) way. and yeah, it’s still shitty and selfish and fucked up, and he still took advantage of medina and used her regardless of why, but i dunno. i think the reasons for it were a lot more complex than he let on.

(again, maybe i’m reading too much into it all and he is just a fucking cunt who just did shitty things for no reason, but the fact that he still came back for brodie after everything, despite how mad he was, even though it led to him dying in the end, is more than enough to show that he really does care too much for his own good.)

so yeah uh. i don’t fucking know how this went from ‘yeah i think zakk/medina sucks’ to a full-on analysis of zakk. But i dont care actually i love being fucking insufferable about this stupid movie <3

sorry for the massive fucking wordvomit im tortured by the curse of Thinking about characters

[diabunnies]

u can rlly tell how a person is based on how they perceive the itoshis' relationship. like this has been simmering in my head for the longest time now bc ive been trying to find exactly why i agree w sae so much despite having been in rin's position time n time again.

bllk manga spoilers under the cut!

ok so i gotta scribble this rq lest i lose my train of thought hence why there are zero manga panels attached. most of this basically refers to the u20 arc anyway so if u've read that i hope that u get what i mean ! a lot of this is rambling n very common shit but whatever!!!

we know that rin has p much worked his ass off for a good decade to get to the level that sae is on. that's his entire appeal: hopeful younger brother who tries so hard to be like the best person he has in his life. n so when sae comes back from spain all cold n stone-like, spewing shit abt how he doesn't wanna be the #1 striker anymore, rin saw his entire life fracture into unrecognisable pieces. but he still hopes! he still thinks that he can get sae to pick up his dream again, get sae to turn back into the kid he was before spain. even after losing that 1v1 when sae came back, rin never fully left behind the possibility that sae could just take back his words; the u20 match was one of - if not The last - opportunity for rin to prove to sae that he can still afford to dream that dream. to play soccer together, be number 1 n number 2 in the world. i mean the look on his face when sae spoke to him after the match looked like that of a child who retained such naiveness, like he was 7 again and not 16 fucked over by everyone. but the world he was slowly rebuilding shattered again when sae spat out isagi's name n not his, n u can see how much of an impact this had on rin ever since then (in the rare instances he shows up).

he's become more selfish, thought more for himself than anyone else (if this was even possible), gained even more of an ego. for once this ego is his n no one else's. it's not tied to some dream he had with his brother, it is his and that's why i think pxg matches will probably show rin at such a heightened state that his evolution from u20 will tower over everyone else's (bar isagi bc bro is blanketed by mc privileges). think abt it, sae improved so much during his time in spain bc he learnt to detach himself from everyone. he learnt to fall and grow by himself. rin was still tethered to him until their confrontation after the match. it wasn't until then that rin can also fall and grow by himself, for himself.

yea sae may be cruel but what he did, at least how i see it, was necessary bc rin would never grow to be the player he wants to be if he keeps tying himself to the idea that he needs his brother's approval. no, it's apparent that rin needed sae's cruelty to grow as a player. it's time for lil emo guy to own his dream as his n not some shared fantasy with sae. n idk fs if sae is cruel to him for this very reason but i am glad bc it got rin off his moping pity party ass. blue lock needs u to become the worst person imaginable before becoming the best, that is ego's entire mantra (as we are all v familiar w). sae was the last piece in rin's puzzle to become the best he's always wanted to be. n for that i do not and cannot look at him as a "horrible" person. everyone in this manga sucks in one way or another, that's what happens when too many people try to be the best! hurt people hurt people! sae and rin being the loudest example of this does not necessarily make one of them horrible.

yea it sucks n it hurts to read but it is one of my favourite relationships in media ever bc it is realistic. i believe that one of the hardest lessons u gotta learn is knowing when to detach urself from ppl and/or dreams that will limit from becoming the person you've wanted to be. to be able to listen to hurtful things from ppl u've always loved n turn them into reasons to become the best u've ever been even if it means leaving them behind. i love it (◞‸◟；)

[sapphicwhxre]

tiny pansy rant, cut short so it’s *hopefully* not too long:

i. wanted. to. see. her. change! and in my opinion the reason she never got the chance was because jkr used her character to make fun of people she disliked :/

pretty much all the other noteable slytherins had some sort of redemption arc,, and yeah they’re still mostly problematic people but they got chances: snape, draco, narcissa, regulus, slughorn, leta and technically andromeda? you get the point i just—

like miss ma’am decided to make pansy,, the like slytherin stereotype? and have her want to betray harry? she was seventeen ffs, not bellatrix lestrange. she was in the middle of a war? in my personal opinion i don’t think that she wanted to hand harry over out of cruelty like. it’s possible? but maybe she was just scared? also don’t we know that pansy was terrified at the thought of like. voldemort coming to hogwarts? again: everyone expects all of the children in harry potter to be these selfless brave individuals,, they’re kids :( yes ik it’s ya fantasy but cmon. they were supposed to be stressed about the N.E.W.T exams not the upheaval of their society?

and don’t get me wrong i know that she was. not a good person. she was a bitchy teenage bully who was taught hateful views. but i wanted to see her change even a little– even draco marries someone who presumably teaches him how to treat people equally? like. there was so much room for change: she was a prefect, she was capable of some kindness seeing as she liked draco, or alternatively, we could’ve seen her break away from draco and potentially stop hating harry/all his friends quite so much or develop her own opinions. or maybe her group of friends that she used for validation throughout her school years was uprooted during the war and she had to learn that independency? or her pointing out harry could’ve been turned into trying to be selfless, like she thought they’d be safe that way, or she returned later fighting with reinforcements to show she was on Hogwarts’ side. jkr is always like "well they technically came back to fight, if you squint » but that’s not enough. also? let’s say we did get a glimpse of her during the actual battle: there could’ve been anything, the smallest scene, that showed some sort of support or reconciliation or something between her and hermione, considering how hermione was often pansy’s target. everybody wants to see forgiveness between draco and harry because of minor events/details (i dislike drarry but that’s besides the point), but imagine what could’ve changed with some semblance of apology or assistance from pansy to hermione. there were so many chances for r*wling to give her a smallest redemption

but instead we got her characterized as evil and a stupid, cowardly traitor. she the only person we ever see her care for marries her friends younger sister. she’s the written depiction of jkr’s bitterness and her arc is jkr’s vengeance.

also, another reason that i’m so mad she got nothing is because of the whole slytherin=evil thing. she’s made into a stereotype of a “slytherin”— cruel, selfish, shallow, ugly, and asinine. (also i could rant about slytherin forever, but can we just mention that jkr consistently refers to slytherins as physically ugly and just how fucked up that is? i– wtf). but anyway: to give pansy a chance to change is to give the slytherin house a chance to change its reputation. trying to justify that the slytherin house got its redemption because of the actions of ppl like snape or regulus, etc isn’t possible. because all of those “slytherin heroes” were described again and again as being “different from all the other slytherins”. they set themselves apart by being decent. they weren’t normal slytherins, no, they were set apart, they were brave and smart and kind— not evil. there’s no redemption to be found there. i wish jkr would just fucking say that being sorted into slytherin was being made into a villain. she dodged around it with rhetorical questions and pointing out how not All of them are bad,, and then will go on to mock the other slytherins and talk about how the heroes were Not Like The Other Snakes... again: there’s no redemption of slytherin as a house, as a quality, as a concept there. it’s just the redemption of an individual.

in pansy, however, we could’ve found so much more. like i said, she’s The Average Slytherin: not a hero, not a villain like voldemort. she’s made out to be a depiction of the typical slytherin student, one without a “destiny”, so to speak. and so to give her the chance, to see her change, to have her redefine herself? that would be a starting point for restoring slytherin as a whole (obviously not the best way, and the real best thing to do would be not to make an entire house be the bad guys in the first place, but–) to have someone who’s the figurehead of slytherin (like actually a figurehead,, girl is a even a prefect) show remorse and growth gives the entire house the seed of redemption. it would mean that after over a thousand years there could be peace between the houses. obviously not the only factor in reconciliation but still so important.

and not to just continue to heap on my own issues with it, but look. i know that there are so many other ways to introduce “mundane” antagonists without making them a symbol of anything. pansy could’ve been a bitch without representing slytherin. also pansy doesn’t have to break character and become kind for amends to be made. they don’t even have to be fully made, just started. but jkr chose to:

a.) go with bullying as a minor antagonistic element

b.) create and develop a character around that theme

c.) make this character only based on her own negative personal experiences

d.) turn that character into a representation of a much larger group of people

e.) deny that character any final moment that could begin to make amends for her actions and instead, chooses to make her “defining” moment an act of evil and cowardice

f.) either neglects the character or chooses plot points that would humiliate the character in all the glimpses of the future we are shown (ex. how dracos marriage is)

g.) openly mocks and insults the character repeatedly and never directly comes out and proves she didn’t write slytherins as evil

h.) to the best of my knowledge, ignores that pansy personifing slytherin, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and then characterizing both as “bad” and not giving them a chance to grow, is a summary of her thoughts on slytherin ls and is a possible interpretation of the text (i mean her opinions are already TRASH)

i. ignores the consequences of this or the possible effect it has on her entire fanbase and doesn’t seek to remedy it

but yeah, jkr, it was such a good idea to base a character off of your loathesone memories, take your anger out on her, and that choose to have that character partially represent a large percentage of your fanbase. thank you sooooo much. i really appreciate it!

summary:

I. Pansy— deserved an opportunity to have some character development. everyone else’s mistakes get overlooked to some degree save hers. had so many places to draw inspiration/opportunity from. could’ve progressed other ideas in the book and the analysis of her house while still remaining a “dislikable” character

II. Writing— from a “technical?” aspect, Pansy is underdeveloped and stagnant, used for personal reasons instead of as a plot device. perpetuates the slytherin=bad idea via a sloppy and repetitive characterization and emblem. there are ways around this that weren’t used.

III. I have no qualifications to be saying any of this lmao. Am I reading to much into it, knowing that Rowling tends to be shitty with writing details? Am I being dramatic and repetitive? probably!

IV. Fuck JKR (for everything. she’s an awful person)

anyways this has been: my mini-rant on pansy and her analysis,,, and i am terribly sorry,, i offer my apologies in advance for randomly dumping this into your inbox. it’s long and opinionated and there’s no real reason behind it! i just thought of it and then thought about it some more and then. here we are

ilysm mwah <3 should’ve definitely done something more productive but shh😭 rat brain hours

this is everything, you're completely right. i don't have much to add but i agree all the way. and people give pansy so much shit for the harry thing but she seemed genuinely scared of voldemort coming back and i really think that she believed he would leave them alone if they gave him up. from her perspective, it's either her and the people she cares about get to live or this guy that she not only isn't close to but probably sees as the bad guy considering she dated/was best friends with draco and witnessed their rivalry from his side. did she make the best decisions? no, not at all but i see her reasons and i don't think it makes her this antichrist that jkr makes her out to be. she pulled the “he's just a boy” with draco and had people sympathise with him when he did so so much worse than pansy did so why doesn't that apply to her? she's a kid. they all are. i love harry, ron, and hermione SO MUCH but jkr really said fuck everyone who isn't them ─ especially any girl who isn't her precious hermione. she projected her own pettiness onto fictional characters who are CHILDREN and proceeded to get upset when people connected to and loved other people that she herself made. creating such an underdeveloped character and expecting people to hate her just because she imagined her as her bully is beyond immature and ridiculous. anyways. jkr take a fucking chill pill and leave my girl alone.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’ 

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family 

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him 

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan! 

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention

[fuckingarataswespeak]

Anyways,, wayhaven drama is stressful. So I'm gonna say goodbye to some of the fandom

i was going to write in the tags but i guess ill do it under the read more because ive got too much 2 say

Alright, I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but for some reason I feel like I'm being selfish?? I'm probably going to unfollow most of the twc blogs. There are some of you that I really get along with and I still love your content that I will keep following however! I don't want to cut TWC out of my life entirely but if I'm being honest? I can't keep up.

Tumblr has been great for my mental health in the past with learning more about ADHD and learning to accept my sexuality but right now it feels hostile. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the TWC fandom. I'm not even a TWC blog! Not even that many TWC people follow me! I made this blog in 2018 because I wanted to follow Mishka, but this was never a TWC blog. I love these games, and they arent just some hyperfixation. They are an interest that I've had for a long time, and also helped me come to terms with my sexuality. I know it might seem silly but finally deciding to try and romance F!UB instead of M!UB helped me come to terms that I can love people if they aren't men!!

But like I said I've liked wayhaven for a good while now! I go through times where I don't really want to talk about wayhaven because I don't want to burn out my enjoyment because i was too intense about it for too long. I just can't really keep up with the fandom. It's a fictional story, about fictional vampires. It's okay to love something a lot and want to talk about it a lot but personally I just cannot handle the intensity of some things happening. I want to keep this as a game I can escape into. I don't want to be keeping track of all the latest drama and seeing Mishka get 'Cancelled' or stuff like that.

There is just so much passive aggressiveness and negativity in the posts I see, so I simply,, do not want to see them. I don't want to be a part of a fandom where ppl can't just block and forget someone they don't like and instead harass them, or seeing/hearing about s*lf h*rm and su*cide baiting going on. I just don't want to feel like there is a right way to enjoy twc and that I'm doing it wrong. I'm still going to make and reblog art though!

[eroticcannibal]

fsfsfsfs bro i am about to lose my shit over how many ppl ive witnessed recently who say something out of line, someone contests the shitty thing said, and then it just fuckin spirals out of control from there

my partner was in a group chat for fetish meet up stuff, and this chick was going off about these three peeps who had their own, private meet up, calling them selfish for not inviting anyone else, and my partner was like "thats...not selfish they were just doing their own thing?" and she just fucking. doubled down and started calling my partner selfish, making a bunch of petty personal attacks against his character, *livestreamed the argument to a larger fetish server* (which he had been a part of previously and then got kicked out of during pride month by a mod w a grudge against him who decided that he was being hateful and bigoted for... *checks notes* being a queer making jokes about the str8s), and just. overall being a really vile, trashy person to him for no good reason.

i also feel its worth nothing that the group that had their private meetup was a dude and two girls, and it was specifically the dude she was going off about being a selfish prick "he just wanted to fuck off and be alone with two girls" as her reasoning and like.....

me n my partners are all nb, but to ppl on the outside (or ppl that dont give a shit) we get read as two chicks and a dude, and when you combine this context, with her behavior, and with the fact that she made a jab about how "at least i [she the bitch] am in a stable relationship" really makes it feel like there was some polyphobia involved to her reaction.

and i'm just. really fucking blown away over how goddamn trashy and immature this is. from people i really would have expected better of, too.

Jesus *fuck* that's bad

Like I get it, it's hard to admit that you've fucked up, but I feel that if ur old enough to use social media then ur old enough to suck it up and not be a brat about it.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg ����🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[juni-ravenhall]

.

now i feel like making a joke post about lizzy’s sexuality but ppl would have my head so i prob shouldnt. (and by joke i mean. joke. shes a toddler. even if as a toddler i basically knew i was bi but no i dont care to project that on fictional characters personally)

(and yeah im serious i had crushes on boys and girls in kindergarten and also thought like WOW PRETTY LADY! WOW PRETTY MAN! when i saw adults i liked, so no its not unrealistic or something its just... really bad if anything REAL happens and its not just a kid’s fantasy. some people are like me and some people arent its not a big deal. probably being emotionally abused by your parents has an effect on your development regarding feelings towards other people too and your “need for love” and where you “look for love” etc)

i crushed on teachers and older actors when i was a kid. what would have been BAD is if any of those adults in any way engaged in a non-platonic relationship with me bc of it. obvs its not ok for any adult person to engage in romance with a non-adult person BUT its not reasonable to pretend that kids and teens dont even experience romantic or sexual feelings from varying ages depending on that individual’s personality and development. its harmful to say this is a banned topic and a banned discussion to have especially for teens themselves. however, ofc its best if they explore and discuss this stuff in safe spaces, nobody argues with that.

also fictional characters are fictional im. the amount of people who care more about defending a fictional minor than about harassing, bullying or otherwise treating badly actual real flesh and blood people who havent done anything to harm other real flesh and blood people........

(stabs james for being a selfish asshole.)

(dw. he cant feel it. hes made of pixels and the wonder of imagination.)

(but a lot of ppl nowadays seem like theyd say i stabbed a minor or support the stabbing of minors if i wrote this post, romanticise and normalise the stabbing of minors. bc me writing *stabs james* causes 1 in 10 people to start going out and stabbing jameses in real life and desensitises people to the serious nature of james-stabbings.)

(also all forms of real life abuse are really fucking awful. im an abuse victim. i know. but. fictional characters arent real and fiction is a safe method to explore stuff and express your feelings and its not at all a one-to-one translation of what people feel, think, or believe in reality. theres a lot of symbolism and projection and reinterpretation of feelings going on. its not equal to reality in any way. i go to therapy, i talk to psychologists and counsellors. ive never abused anyone in my life. and NONE of the multiple people who abused me had literally anything to do with fiction or media whatsoever. i think theyd have been a lot better people in fact, if they had spent more time reading all kinds of fiction and discovering themselves and developing and maturing into decent people. not just from wholesome honey-coated fiction, but all kinds. critical thinking when you process the fiction, you know?)

[freedom]

wowowowowow i have been having a terrible time. like damn I feel validated

THIS POST IS CATHARSIS AND LONG AND TRIGGERING read if you want but it’s just my own thoughts you’ve been warned

Following should be under a readmore apologies if not:

rereading northernsparrow’s a winters tale fic where like the whole point is feeling bad for cas and realising that actually. I do relate to some of it. and just like how it’s not cas’ fault the situation he’s in it’s not my fault. and how dean feels sorry he let cas down the ppl who let me down should feel sorry too

like??? my emotions are not my fault it’s not me feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or anything. I can’t actually help what I feel

like damn i actually have been actively wanting to kill myself and stab myself and really have gotten quite frighteningly close to actually stabbing myself. like legitimately been standing in the kitchen and been so so full of just sadness and hopelessness that I’ve just felt this pull to the knife and a pull to press it against my stomach. and have done it and just stood there just crying with the knife pressed against my stomach or have taken the knife and gone to shove it into my brain but stopped short over and over again. it would not have taken too much more for me to actually just do it.

like my urge to self harm is not me. It’s not attention seeking. It’s sadness and it’s desperation and it’s my brain screaming out for help basically. I’m not choosing this. It had been getting so bad that my thoughts just turn by themselves to this urge to rip my teeth out or to stab my neck or hit my head against the wall. or strangle myself. or to jump out of the window. or slice my palm open. but yknow what I NEVER do it. that doesn’t mean I don’t get it. it actually means im fucking strong

and it is bc I’ve just felt so alone. which is actually!!!!!!! Not my fault!!!! yes there’s things I could’ve done to have more friends blah blah blah but actually??? I deserve to have a family who loves me and appreciates me. I deserve to have friends who don’t leave me. I deserve to have the same shit most other people have bc I am a good person and I am trying my best. dear god I’m trying. but realising this is part of the journey right

I actually genuinely am so fucking strong to have survived. to have gotten so close to suicide that ive known and felt the exact moment I would’ve reached over and shot myself in the head if I had a gun. to have experienced that twice over. to have kept on going every day, working through the solitude and the self blame and the heartbreak at being unloved. at losing everything i thought I was gonna have. the bleakness of my future. not having any reason to keep on being here

and to still have been able to be a positive influence through that? to help my friends. to be there for them. to care about them. to listen to them. to try my best and to hold everything in for so long bc I was scared they’d leave me if I let them know? like other people who were NOT true friends have done before?

my god. if I was reading a story of my own life. I wouldn’t blame myself and of course I would feel sorry.

I never even realised how much stuff I was still blaming myself for just as a basis of knowledge. But no!!!!! i do my best. i work fucking HARD. and I’m NOT a bad person. I never FUCKING was despite what my parents led me to believe. I have always been a good person and I have always tried my best and I’m not gonna fucking let anyone tell me otherwise anymore or treat me like shit.

I’m ALLOWED to be angry. I’m ALLOWED to not be perfect. I’m ALLOWED to want attention. I’m ALLOWED to want better. I’m allowed to think these things and it’s not fucking selfish

God. God. God.

I am angry! I am actually angry! I’m allowed to be angry! I’m so fucking angry!!! How dare people treat me how they have my whole life??? How dare they??? How dare my parents have a kid then completely fucking neglect them? How dare they create a ‘family’ only to leave it shrivelled up and dead. How dare I be left to raise my FUCKING self. Like learning to wash myself. Learning to buy clothes. Learning to deal with my emotions. Learning to DRESS MYSELF goddamn. How dare they act like that’s normal. And how dare my ‘friends’ abandon me the second i needed them most? How dare my family reduce their interest in me to my grades and my looks rather than who I actually AM. How dare they not bother to get to know me.

I deserve just as much as everyone else !!!!!!!!!! Fuck them all!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: no I’m not fucking done actually!!!! do you know how fucking heartbreaking it is to reach the end of ur fucking tether enough to tell your brother that you’re suicidal and for him to talk to u about it then but then NEVER check up on you again or ask you how you are or tell you that hm??? Maybe??? Oh he doesn’t want you to,??? To even REPLY to messages?????? To completely BREAK DOWN sobbing in front of your ‘family’ for everyone to see bc you’re so tired and sad you’ve reached beyond the point of caring abt bottling it up that you’re just so fucking heartbroken that they don’t really care about you and to basically not even get a reaction. god fucking damn it. i WILL do better than them. i fucking will. i will make good circumstances out of my existence despite their fucking neglect

[matazz]

letters roy endoza never sent

so i wrote these because i wanted to write out roy’s feelings to the party members. it was mostly a way to vent, but during the time, i really did want to send them - but my DM never let me (if you’re reading this LOL).

there’s something a bit sadder about it being letter’s he never sent.

in my head, he left along the journal that he wrote as well with the letters he left behind. i guess canonically i can say that the party never ended up finding them. 

group letter (written after roy left the party & before the gala)

for the group, i had fun while we were charading around finding ancient artifacts and solving puzzles. i’m going to miss our adventure, but i have to leave. i’ve involved myself against the fate of the universe, a crime against all odds. i’ve loved knowing you all and you’ve all helped me so much but i dont want to involve you anymore in it. more importantly i feel as if that my actions may draw a rift in your beliefs and i dont want to seperate that bond. please do not look for me. i’m afraid i serve no purpose in this mission with the champions anymore. i dont think the gods (and even myself) consider myself to be a champion anymore. to be quite honest with you, i don’t know what the consequences are or what might be from my actions but i will deal with it myself. i’m going to be honest. i appreciate all of you, and you’ve helped me in learning so much. about the world, magic, and other people. but i don’t want to involve any of you in my life and i don’t want to see any of you ever again. please do not try to contact me or find me. this is my departure letter. i am safe, and i am well, and i dont want to be involved with the champions anymore. i hope everybody does well. i’m sorry i left without saying anything but it had to be this way. it’s better for me this way, for everyone. i’ll stay safer this way. if the gods tell you to locate me, please ignore them their calls. i can not say why, but if you trust me at all, please believe me when i say i’m safer not meeting you. sincerely, roy endoza.

To the group (i think this was written the day of the gala, but before the Thing happened)

To the Champions, I’m not sure when this letter will deliver, so you might receive it a bit late. I’ve left for a while to pursue my own goals and research some things. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or if I'll even be back at all. There's been so much nagging at me that distances myself from all of you and I don't really feel like I belong so much anymore anyway. I don’t know whether or not my research is going to succeed, but if on the event that something happens, please don’t look for me. To be quite frank, I don’t really want to involve any of you in my research and I’m afraid that meeting you is only going to be a liability to me. On the unlikely event that my research turns out to be negative, I'll come back; however if that’s not the case then please don’t try to contact me and do not look for me. I can not stress this enough, but what I’m about to go through with is going to upset the gods and more importantly, all of you. It hurts to leave like this, but I have to say farewell. I loved travelling with most of you and I’ve learnt more about the world than I ever could have just staying at my house in Origin. Thank you so much for the adventure. Perhaps for the last time, Roy Endoza.

To Ayce (written the day of the gala i think)

Ayce, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you before I left. To be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I haven’t had the time or the nerve to say anything. I regret all of that, but you deserve at least something before I leave. I can’t continue our relationship.. I’ve felt distant for a while now, and it’s been nagging at me but I don’t think we’re good for eachother at all. I’ve been a dishonest man to you despite the fact that you’ve been honest with me the entire time. I know it makes me an asshole. You deserve so much better than I could ever be to you. I wish there was more I could say. You've probably figured it out already, and if you have then I already know it was pretty selfish or stupid of me to start this relationship despite the fact that I've known all along how it was going to turn out. You don't have to forgive me. I wouldn't either. And if you haven't figured it out, then I hope it wasn't so terrible for you. I've enjoyed my time with you. I hope you find someone better. Roy.

A letter to Ayce (written like the day roy left)

ayce i have a lot i’ve been meaning to say to you but havent had the time or the nerve to say anything. but i need to say it now because you deserve these words. i can no longer continue our relationship. i’ve redeemed myself but in doing so, i’ve gone against the world; but more importantly, to you. i love you very much, and i wish i could have come to the ball with you and danced. i would have loved to; but i have a lot going on and i dont want to involve you, or anybody else in our charade, involved in my problems. i’m sorry i could not say it to your face. i hope life treats you well. you deserve so much better than i could ever have been. with love roy

Letter to Ayce (dated from the week before roy left)

ayce i’m writing this because i didnt have the nerves to say this in person, and i apologize for that. to be honest, the more time passes the more o begin to think our relationship was a mistake, so i’m officially parting ways. i never lied when i said i love you. i still do, but i just dont think it has worked out or even will. i think our morals are too different; and i cant find myself being with somebody who finds it so easy to murder a person. no matter how terrible she was, i thought that you of all people may have disapproved after experiencing death already. i also found myself attached to Fox, so his leaving leaves a hole in my heart. ialso despise Atlas; but i digress, none of these are even the main reason i’m leaving. to be quite frank, i’ve never seen this mission with the gods as important. my dreams, my goals, my redemption; they will always be first. this mission with the gods has just been seen as a side quest for me. partially because i don’t trust the gods myself. if we take everything we’ve heard at face value, then why should i trust God’s that have left the world to ruins before? they don’t even trust us enough to tell us what has happened in the past. in my opinion, they’re either incompetent and lazy or not telling us the actual truth of what we’re doing; or even what they’re doing. they aren’t powerful. if they were, they could retrieve the keys themselves or defeat beshaba’s group themselves. i just can’t bring myself to want to do a mission anymore where i have to obey people who can not trust us enough to let us know basic information. meeting you was a bonus, but i think it’s time for me to move on. this wasn’t a decision i’ve made because Fox left; i’ve been thinking about this for a while. neither my goals or morals align with anyone elses. i want to be good, but i’m only a wench in a perfectly working clock. as of recent events, i also don’t want to explain myself to Atlas of all people, but i can’t bring myself to tell you about myself either. i may return, if only for more information or perhaps even the gala; as much as i do not care for the gods, i’m still interested in the keys and the power within them. if i meet you there, i know it may sound selfish to ask, but i hope you may give me one last dance. roy

a notebook. it’s a bit worn out and has some torn pages.. it was left behind with roy’s stuff and all the letters

‪entry 47‬ ‪[torn out page] ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪[torn out.] ‬‪entry 69‬ [‪torn out] ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back. i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ‪[scribbled out over so that you cant read it] ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just

sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out but still there: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪[torn out] entry 101.2 [torn out] entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. [the rest of it is torn out] (torn note inbetween the pages hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over. (there are about 2-3 pages with entry 102 that are torn out) entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try

avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 [torn out] entry 124 [torn out]

[themariotheme]

okay i am Not Having  A Good Time Right Now not BAD but just... weird not as in “weird” like how i say when im actually depressed this is a different weird it’s just incomprehensible and i feel very annoying to everyone especially on my stupid twitter so i shall be spewing garbage here so

okay so right now i feel like the world is horrible and like i could never be happy in it but im not depressed abt it im just numb so im not upset about how capitalism means there are people dying and everything is bad but i need u to know that i AM upset about it actually isnt it weird ?? i need to make sure that it is understood that these things upset me but like, not right now. is that just me being defensive because ive always felt like i need to justify feeling my feelings like i KNOW other people have it worse i KNOW im a privileged upper middle class chinese girl who has Had Everything okay i KNOW i just

i dont know

 am literally rotting and being useless all the time at home because im not in school im literally doing nothing im doing nothing all day im doing nothing im useless im just on this earth consuming and using up my parent’s money and contributing to climate change by having my air conditioning on even though i know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis it’s companies and billionaires who suck Major Ass!!! u see how i have to justify but then also justify?? i am simply like this with Everything it’s so exhausting and i kind of want to cry now

like i Know individuals aren’t to blame for the climate crisis. artists arent selfish for making art how could i think i that???? i DONT think that i wouldnt look at someone who has their air conditioning on all day and think badly of them, i wouldnt look at artists and think “ugh what a selfish piece of shit, how could they look at the state of the world and choose to make silly art when  they could be a doctor or journalist or politician or ANYTHING that would Help People” BUT WHY DOES THAT NOT APPLY TO ME ???? WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO FEEEL LOUSY ABOUT IT ?? I FEEL SO STUPID im literally just ?? arguing with myself in my head but it ends up leading nowhere i just cant not feel terrible and guilty about everything i do

whatever. i dont know

okay but right so for the past 2 weeks that i was gone from tumblr because staff are PUSSIES who SNIPED me for NO REASON and then didnt reply to my emails i was mostly on twitter because i m useless n Do Nothing At All with my time so im on twitter because im lonely and crave interpersonal connections so i tried to make friends which i did ! i think i have had some success at least in making friends online . i think i can say that maybe perhaps for sure (maybe). but yes i have made some friends on twitter i think evie and maya and noga r great and i love them this is not th point sigh

okay im just going to explain the Nonsense Teenage Drama that went down and i will be (maybe) just namedropping cause none of them r even names anyway it doesnt matter actually

but i just need to feel like ??? im not insane and overreacting to this entire thing which like some ppl have confirmed !! and yet (??)

okay tw for suicide ed self harm n bullying cause i ended up ranting abt those things :(

SO. this Person C got into some. drama with M and J. this is all friendship related i think personally C is in the wrong and M and J have the right to be mad at them for it. BUT C was also very obviously suicidal in the “i am crying out for help and attention right now” kind of way . maybe i am just sympathetic because i have been that before idk. but drama unleashed, M and J publicly got into it with C. right so everyone witnesses this. including Person D. THIS PERSON. has TIME AND TIME AGAIN shown themsevles to be terrible terrible u know what idc im just gonna copy and paste screenshots idc idc idc AAAAAA im so djfdskmg idk

like ??? THIS WASNT IDK I DONT KNOW . i dnt know i dont know i AM over this but i had a panic attack over this and i was in a depressive episdode this was 3 days of hell and it didnt even involve me ??? the most i was involved w was like being personally offended because her friends called me a bitch or whatever but like ?? there r some of her friends who r friends w my friends and it makes me feel like idk :( like why do mar n mia hate me lol am i so terrible for thinking she should go get help for her ed isntead of telling ppl to slit their wrists n off themselves online lol idk idk idk yeah okay

like i feel like im overreacting , and taking personal offense to being called a bitch because i did end up calling her out in a very long series of tweets lol and like ?? someone would screenshot my tweets n she’d tweet abt them n say im obsessed n her friends would like her tweet and those ppl would be friends w my friends :( idk i feel like im just being a fool and over reacting idk sigh this is old news by now i am actually in fact Truly over this /gen but yea my cramps r bad today fuck periods we shld just reabsorb uterine linings like rats do why cant we be more like rats

/rant

my tweets for context idk i know no one will read this all but i feel the need to make myself clear because god knows fucking why idk idk idk 

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364932184629338122?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364928910916378634?s=20

https://twitter.com/urlowbeams/status/1364729355448983552?s=20

and scroll down from there i guess

man i was rlly going thru it huh

idk ALSO she like ?? said “if ur ugly u should die i cant breathe the same air as u” in response to someone’s selfies like ?? idk man idk idkdikddnfjfdnsjgdj im going to sleep night night im not losing my mind i swear /gen