#i dont have any safe spaces
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I don't even have anyone to talk to about this anymore
#i cant i cant this fjcking sucks man#i dont have any safe spaces#and yeah sure internet os great and helps lots but i cant have a screaming sob session over fucking text#vent
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magic in asoiaf is genetic. and that is intresting. and the fact that grrm doesn’t shy away from the implications of this makes me love asoiaf even more.
because it’s very understandable that these people who could ride dragons would see themselves as more gods than men. it’s understandable that the practice of sibling-sibling incest would become common in order to keep this ability in the family/to not lose said ability. it’s also understandable that these people would see their race as superior because they are able to do these things that others could not.
it also makes complete sense that this human civilization collapsed in a horrific magical event due to their own hubris because they saw themselves as gods when they were always only men.
and that is peak world building.
some more peak world building is that the noble houses of westeros also clearly gained power and held onto their power through the use of their magical abilities inherited from their ancestors.
a godlike existence like Garth the Green being the ancestor of all the oldest and most noble of the reach houses makes perfect sense for this world!and it also makes sense that the lords without this ancestry are discriminated against in this region that still holds onto the values their society cultivated in the past in order to maintain their magical superiority, even though most of these noble and old houses no longer exhibit these abilities.
and it also makes sense that these people no longer have access to these abilities as they no longer practice the religion that was centered around these powers; plus their blood is simply diluted at this point as these houses have married into a different ethnic group so often that the magical gene just doesn’t surface anymore.
but the fact that it still matters if you can trace your ancestry back to Garth the Green? peak! peak! peak!
george does such an excellent job showcasing the stagnation of westerosi society here because why should it matter if you’re connected to this magic guy if magic is no longer commonplace? however, it also makes total sense that the ruling class of the reach still harps on and on about this as it’s how they maintain the status quo and differentiate themselves from those they consider lesser now that they no longer have access to magic themselves.
and this is also why it’s very important that the Starks still retain the blood of the first men. because the first men interbred with the children of the forest and other elder races, which is what gave these humans these powers. it’s also worth noting that before the direwolves connected with the Stark children, none of our current Starks were able to awaken their abilities by themselves, which shows that even now they are very far removed from their ancestor who’s genetic makeup gave this bloodline these abilities. and it makes sense that the Starks experienced this slow magical decline because magic itself was declining in the world after the doom of valyria.
another reason for this decline is because Andal culture started heavily influencing the North and slowly changed the way magic was perceived. so now in the present, a warg/skinchanger/greenseer has become something to fear being because that’d make you different and therefore puts your life at risk, which means that there’s now practically no safe environment to cultivate these abilities and no secure way to pass down any knowledge you do have about said abilities.
i can’t help but be reminded about how Jon Snow has rejected his nature and how that has led to the stagnation of his abilities, and then i think about Arya and Bran and how their new environments have led to an astonishing growth in their abilities, which shows that it’s not just genetics that matter, environment is also just as, if not more, important.
i bring all of this up because magic being genetic in asoiaf is not as problematic as people try to make it out as. in real life, sometimes people just have genetic gifts. some people can become olympians, and some people are disabled. some people are born 10 times smarter than the average human, and some people believe that covering their faces in lemon juice would turn them invisible. that is reality. and in this universe, some people have access to magic and some don’t, and it’s all based on genetics. it’s unfair! and that makes it realistic.
not everyone gets to ride dragons and not everyone gets to travel back in time, and that grounds asoiaf, which is what grrm was going for.
and how these societies have organized themselves in response to these genetic abilities and the dangers they pose makes absolute sense. on one hand we have the valyrian freehold, which was a magic hotspot and the people who lived there used magic to propel their society to new heights, and on the other hand we have the seven kingdoms that demonize anyone too different, and all magic practitioners are different from normal humans.
and the fact that george decided to go this route with asoiaf is so juicy to me cause:
we have characters like Varamyr and Euron who use their abilities to commit great evils and we know that their powers have influenced the way they see and interact with others. on the other hand we have characters like Dany who use their abilities to fight against evil violent institutions. and through characters like her we learn how vulnerable fledgling magic practitioners/characters with these abilities are to these older and more dangerous institutions and individuals who are perfectly aware about the knowledge gap between them and these younger characters and know exactly how to exploit them.
so, while it’s understandable that the fandom is uncomfy with the practices and values that grrm has written about, this isn’t bad world building by any means. it’s logical and well thought out. and i truly enjoy that grrm doesn’t shy away from writing about the more worrying aspects and implications of magic being a matter of genetics. i also like how the seven kingdoms and the valyrian freehold are kinda extremes on the matter of magic and how this is/was detrimental to both of these societies and at the individual level. a horrific magical firey doom is not any better nor any worse than a slow drawn out icey decline.
imo, what is important to remember is that in the world of asoiaf, people with magic are the ones who are discriminated against (bc most POV characters are in Westeros and magic is a no no there). so they are the ones who are in danger if they out themselves as magic users. now, it is true that some societies are more tolerant (Qarth is a great example of this and Valyria before the doom was likely the most tolerant to have ever existed in this world), but as of now most societies simply aren’t. remember jojens warning? he didn’t pull that out of his ass. bran would’ve been in a lot of danger if he came out and told the wrong people about his dreams/abilities. also, jon’s assassination may have been partly motivated by the mutineers fear of wargs. this is the life-threatening danger magic practitioners are in for simply existing in an intolerant society.
tbh the reason i typed all this up is because it’s very annoying when people try to ignore the reality, which is that the dragonbond depends on genetics. now, i’m sure there are other ways to ride a dragon, as dragons are magical animals so of course there may be a one in a million chance of a dragon allowing some rando to ride it, but this doesn’t change the fact that there is such a thing as a genetic ability that gives these certain humans the ability to form a connection with a dragon.
(another example that i can’t help but remember is that melisandre was able to get ghosts approval by using some of her tricks. of course there could be other reasons for ghost to have done this, but the most likely reason is that ghost simply fell for melisandre’s trick and this influenced how jon saw mel. but this doesn’t change the fact that melisandre will never have the kind of bond jon and ghost have because melisandre is not a warg. this is also another example of how vulnerable fledgling magic practitioners are to older ones.)
so, sorry not sorry that george decided to create a realistic representation of what a society would look like if only certain bloodlines were able to ride dragons <\3.
#this is interesting! it’s juicy! because these are humans with the power of gods!#of course there was a civilization where the elites saw themselves as gods!#of course their powers impacted the way they structured their society!#of course the stagnant westerosi society still holds onto values and practices from hundreds of years ago#…because they once had magical abilities that set them apart. and bc their society is so stagnant they still have these values and practices#…after they lost their magical abilities. and it makes complete sense that these magical abilities were lost!#magic is feared in westeros! anyone with these abilities is othered/an outcast. these inherent powers aren’t cultivated bc this is a society#…that fears and persecutes people with magic! and it makes total sense that this likely began with the arrival of the andals!#anyways magic is genetic ✌️#and it’s so cool that so many people in this universe may not know that they have these powers bc they live in a society that doesn’t care/#doesn’t cultivate said powers. jon snow is literally called a beast by other characters bc they think he’s a warg#westeros is not a safe space for my magical son#i’m ready to fight anyone who disagrees#it’s literally so fucking intresting and i’m glad that george doesn’t shy away from any of it#asoiaf#pro targaryen#asoiaf meta#also let’s not pretend that warging/greenseeing hasn’t been used for horrible things as well#hodor is right there. legends of the nights king show exactly what can happen when a very powerful greenseer is a horrific human#yeah anyways#maybe he wasn’t a greenseer but u get my point (i hope)#asoiaf fandom critical#ppl having issues w/ the dragonbond being genetic has always struck me as odd#but i’d lie if i said i didn’t know where this attitude came from#this whole post is a mess lmao#hopefully i got my point across but i dont rly care to edit 🤷♀️#this is def a word vomit
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And now my art has been reposted on tiktok, have I finally made it as a creator? 🥺 But like seriously my god, I didn't think I had to say but don't repost??????? I think I've been pretty safe from it cause I normally just draw AU art but ahh making relevant art, it's a dangerous game....I just yeah, don't necessarily know what to do about it, but yeah just don't please?
#i have so much sympathy for all the gifmakers on here getting reposted and i totally understand#but art?????? art now????????? you cannot even make the same 'its easy' argument as with gifs/clips#because i literally made that from my head 😭😭😭😭#sorry i just dont wanna sound like im saying 'your reposting woes arent as bad as mine!!' more just: i am aghast#its not okay even if you credit bcs bruh i dont want my art out there#it was for all my vettonso fuckers on here 🥺#i just dont understand it like not even asking at all just crediting#wow thanks. that makes it so much better. wow.#ITS MY SHIP ART I DO NOT WANT THAT ON TIKTOK!!!! even if it was just normal art!!! no thank you!!!!!!#and being credited is almost worse bcs bruh the 'skitskatdacat63 from tumblr' THIS IS MY SAFE PRIVATE SPACE OKAY#thank you to grace for telling me <3 i really appreciate it#ugh i wanna make like a direct callout but i hate confrontation(thank you for the support tho cofi lmao)#but i will complain!#it just really sucks that i have to say this#its also really not any of you guys. i trust all my friends 100% 🥺 so i hate that i have to say this yknow#but UGHHHHHH PISSES MW OFF SO MUCH#and also. it was a shitpost 😭 pick better art to repost(joke)#but the way my heart dropped when i saw 😭 im like. is nothing sacred anymore?#catie.rambling.txt
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Your art is FANTASTIC and the random observations/polls/interjections you make have really helped to fuel the DA fandom in positive ways! Which it definitely needed after Veilguard's release, lmao. It's always a pleasure to see you on my dashboard!
That's very kind of you to say oh my gosh thank you so much. I'm just bumbling around and every once in a while I say something people think is worth sharing, and I like sharing what other folks feel/make too! I'm glad I'm a not too much of an annoyance xx
I think my favorite thing about having this blog is the notes I see on other peoples posts I rb, it’s nice seeing all sweet things get things sent an artist way or conversations/theories carried on in a rb chain
It’s a big ol show n tell and it’s a wonderful reprieve from my normal day to be able to see other folks stuff too ✨
#I have a bunch of asks turned peanut gallery thoughts i haven't answered sorry guys i've been a workin...whatever i am#and ask asks too... oh no ahhh#asks for bee#thoughts from the peanut gallery#It's a very beautiful sandwich I just wish it had more meat instead of lettuce if that makes any sense?#and there's nothing wrong with being disappointed with what shipped#i dont think you should put something you love so high up on a pedistool that the flaws can't be seen anymore...#but going out of your way to be an ass to someone isn't my gig so i'm happy folks that follow this blog feel that same way#I want this to be a little safe space that's not just entirely one point of view#and I'm really lucky that I have so many people following this blog that are kind to each other in the notes when i rb something that isn't#-a shared feeling with everyone#its really cool that for the most part folks are respectful to one another in my tags/comments#like i wouldn't been able to ask for the Anders vibe check this time a year ago without folks being mean to eachother#oooo i hope i don't jinx it#ah im rambling again!#thank you for the kind words!!!#this blog has grown so much since MELE and Veilguard#its sweet xx#(I’m of course not without fault and had my share of asshole moments but I’m trying not to let my anger be the strongest part of me)#I know I can be snippy but if I was truly irked by someone I would just block them and move on#and I hope that’s what folks to do with me too#i’m sorry I don’t respond to your asks super fast all the time but my inbox is always open for pretty much whatever#…just not any more dreams about varrics feet please?#I’m still rambling ahhhh!!!#you can really tell I’m snuggled up and about to fall asleep huh whoopsy!#thank you for the chill tumblr space everyone! That’s all I was trying to say!!
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lines up fanon!sirius with a double barrel shotgun. throws it to the side as i beat his face in with a brick instead. just a fyi
#CANON SIRIUS WOULD BULLY FANON!SIRIUS TO SUICIDE#AND GOOD FOR HIM#this is not a safe space for feminine sirius too btw i'm so serious fuck off with that#im focusing heavy on this blog and my oc. so i should probably actually figure out how to word it 'politely' or whatever#atyd was a cancer a plague a disease an illness a sickness upon this fandom#i love people doing whatever they want with a character. but doing whatever you want and then calling it canon ...#points to my coraline jones. thats a whole fucking original character inspired by the og works. im not looking at her and going. canon btw#its a good thing i dont have any power because i'd sentence every person who cant think critically in this fandom to death by firing squad#ooc.#IM SO GLAD I HAVE THIS BLOG NOW I CAN BITCH ABOUT HP AND HAVE THE UPPER HAND AS A WRITER SHDPSOIHDOISH SEXY POSITION TO BE IN#anyway. enough ooc posts. lets get down to bidness
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btw if i see you reblog from genderqu/eerdykes i am instantly blocking you. no hesitation btw im just blocking you
#juno sayings#serious stuff#i don’t care what you have to say#stop putting that racefaking rapist who keeps lying about being a trans woman on my dash#dont put any transmisogyny on my dash#this blog is a safe space for transfems#im not tolerating that bullshit#especially now
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Realised it’s @khoc-week so even though I don’t have the energy to do it daily have this I did a while ago but never posted.
Arxeht my beloved. They came to me in a dream where I was a replica (of multiple people but looked most like Vidar) made by apprentice Nort/Xemnas, who was the fifteenth member of the organisation and also had my knowledge of hit video games Kingdom Hearts and kept getting randomly thrown through space and time.
#khocweek2024#kh oc#kh ocs#kingdom hearts oc#kingdom hearts original character#Arxeht#blue boi draws#kingdom hearts#kh#Arxeht my beloved I love them#Apprentice Nort started making them to help figure out memories and based them on people he’d get glimpses of in dreams#but he got distracted and only came back and finished them/woke them up around the beginning of Days after Xion#meaning they are theoretically younger then Xion and Roxas but with the way they act and view the others they’re older#they woke up sorta all at once unlike Roxas and Xion. they also have basic knowledge about General Like that the kiddos lack#also their knowledge of how the game plays out is from the perspective of someone who played the games.#like they’d know the ‘press triangle for Sora’ meme and the differences between CoM and ReCoM and refer to time periods by their game name#also VERY AWARE that most kh games are tragedies and desperately trying to change that despite not really having the power to do so#Arxeht is shit at fighting but is saved from getting injured by any time they’re about to get hit it triggers a jump through time/space#and the jumps can be really far and in fast succession. they start a jump in twilight town and are thrown through Daybreak Town#and like two other worlds until they settle and fef a chance to breathe. its handy because they wont die but jumps can happen#in the middle of a conversation or while they’re trying to get somewhere in particular and then suddenly they’re ten years in the past#in a whole different world. it sucks.#can you tell the dream they came from was a stress dream? 90% of what I remember from it was running around trying to get to Xion and Roxas#and keep them safe. the other 10% was the org not knowing what to think of Arx and Xemnas being weird#Arxeht is heart + x in a reflection of Xehanort being no heart + x btw. that did not come from the dream I made it awake#Xemnas was weird he had a very distant vaguely amused view on everything Arxeht was doing I don’t think he ever thought of them as a threat#unlike Xigbar who was concerned which is fair because Arxeht knew he was Luxu and about MoM and stuff#the time jumps can get really long as well but tend to avoid kh era?? days onwards and bbs and before is fair game but they dont actually#meet Sora until kh2.#their main power is information. they know who people are and what’s going on and they are constantly trying to tell people during the
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Mood: I feel like indulging in Mileven in a way that I think neither Bylers nor Milevens will understand/appreciate.
(I'm so past the point of having any doubt about Byler being endgame that I feel safe to enjoy some Mileven content in a non-canon ship way, since I've always been a multi-shipper at heart. Their past relationship had its moments and I wanna appreciate what they meant to each other even if they don't end up together.)
#like im way too pro-byler to be accepted by milevens since im a byler endgame truther#but even admitting that i enjoy any part of mileven's relationship is basically heretical to bylers esp gay mike truthers#& i do like the gay mike interpretation as well it just hasnt been confirmed yet so can i still have a little bi mike & mileven as a treat#obviously if it turns out mike is gay i wont see mileven romantically at all anymore#and it's not that i think they're a healthy great relationship in the first place but like. idk i can enjoy pretty gifsets of them#i just dont want all my mutuals to be like “wtf is this” since ive never posted mileven even tho i made a disclaimer early on that#i dont hate the ship and might post content of them...i just never did cause i was too into byler lmao#but now im sick of the debunking and dunking idk idk!#byler is endgame but anyway#tbd#probably#IS THIS A SAFE SPACE??? IS THIS A SAFE SPACE TO SAY WHAT I ACTUALLY THINK
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maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone
#like how my day is? or what dumb stuff im doing lol#my “safe space” where i got to meet people somehow (and theyre very cool :3c)#well. im happy if i get to do it now#cmon nae! sympathy points wont do you any good !!#okay so. tumblr gets to be my little planner too cause i get to write things in the momoment#so im writing things im proud of!#brushed my teeth for more than two mins today#n i actually washed a lil! its embarrassing writing this here because i dont want anyone thinking im dirty.... since its gross#but anyways.. im getting better at putting my phone down at night!#that means fixing my sleep right? i just have to sort out the mornings since i lose track of time#and struggle to leave bed (its too comfyyyy >.<)#and oh. i want to start going on walks..#itll be hard since the house is getting done n stuff but. anytine if the day. i feel like taking walks woukd be better for me#just to keave the house. my eyes always hurts when i steo outside#n thats not good :<#those are my goals for now. i do wanna get closer to my friends. and actually make friends!#ive had no friendships for nearly a year at college lol#its just been 'oh well' but i have actually felt lonely... oh well-#i guess i wanna get closer to people?#and.. talk to ny old friends too#i feel to guilty#im not good with this stuff. it drains me#but anyways. baby steps right? who knows#maybe ill make a friend on the trip! or next year too! that sounds good#ik nobody'll probably read this cause its word vomit lol#but basically yay yippee im feelin kinds alright#<333#posts.nae/rambles
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watching a youtuber talking abt a horror movie and itis so obvious when somebody has only talked to mental health professionals for like. depression or anxiety* . bc shes sitting here like Woah i dont understand this guys like engaged to a therapist why doesnt he understand that someone being mentally ill doesnt mean theyre an evil scary person... I am sorry to say this but even being a mental health professional doesnt mean you dont think mentally ill ppl r evil and scary and gross
*this is an assumption on my part bc this yter has never talked about having anything other than those afaik Obv its her right not to just in my experience and the experience of other ppl ive spoken to . it seems like if you have pretty much anything other than those and talk to a therapist you would not have this idea that mental health professionals are like. inherently understanding and whathaveyou
#idk if im wording this right. what i mean is i was having a conversation with my most recent therapist and i planned to talk abt some of my#thangs and then she started talking abt how psychopaths r sooooo fucking scary and shes glad none of her parents r psychopaths and i was#like ohhh this is not a safe space suddenly . <- idt i personally am a psychopath but i think its 1. just disgusting to say something like#that ever 2. esp as a mental health professional 3. why r u telling me at all abt yr other patients its . unprofessional to me. but idk.#that combined with some stuff she said abt bpd and etc. rly made me like Oh i can not talk to this woman abt any of my actual serious stuff#and that wasnt the first kind of experience ive had with a person like that like. ive talked to therapists abt my dissociating in the past#and like. ive never felt safe to discuss my hallucinations even when they were rly rly rly bad last year bc i like. some of these therapist#were surprised when i said i struggled with hygiene bc of the depression like. guys cmon ... idk. thisis not a particularly thoughout post#i just thought abt it while watching the video#idk so many youtubers i watch talk up therapy sm and im like Happy it helps them and im happy like. etc. and obv idk what all goes on in#their lives but im kind of sick of ppl talking abt talk therapy like itll fix everything for everyone ever. like im not talking abt just#being like Oh therapy helped me etc but a lot of ppl r like I dont get why ppl dont go to therapy like 1 money 2 like. idk man. the psych#industry is so evil it like. makes me so mad. IDK all of this is halfthoughts im just talking recreationally#oh another disclaimer bc i worry i came off weird by specifying i only mentioned idt im a psychopath bc the sentence b4 that seemed like i#was implying i was. i wasnt trying to be like IM not one of THOSE GUYS i just didnt want anybody to get confused. ok sry
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maybe i have not seen the content people complain about but when i see talks about the fandom infantilizing toki i'm confused cause like...didn't canon start that...with every passing season toki become more and more child-like until age regression was essentially confirmed in aotd...
#dont reblog PLEASE im just thinking outloud i dont want discourse#rambling#like idk canonically toki likes coloring books and offered pizza/chocolate to skwisgaar in exchange for a solo#he gets excited about secret santa and says woweee#he has a teddy bear etc etc#none of these things have to be inherently child-like#but the way toki is written during these scenes is purposefully meant to be perceived that way#plus he's the youngest of the band#never taken seriously#throws tantrums often#and so on#there's a whole scene in aotd where the joke is that toki is essentially acting like a child that wants to be taken to the bathroom#there's always gonna be people flanderizing but honestly toki is a tough nut to crack tbh#the key is finding the balance imo. he might have child-like interests but hes also BRUTAL#and overall he STILL IS AN ADULT in a death metal band that gets his dick wet often and does drugs on the regular#he just also is traumatized and wants to reclaim the childhood he never had imo#i think dethklok is somehow a safe space for him to act the way he wants to act vs the way he was forced to when he lived w his parents#he prolly had no choice but to grow too fast and was essentially forbidden to experience any kind of joy#so with dethklok he can indulge in all those silly little things he never got to back then#thats how i see it at least
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🍎
#i opted to come home after work to rest and spend time with bf instead of socialize with friends that need me#me and him need each other too. hes my home#but its a turbulent and sad home#i asked if he was starting to feel any differently towards me romantically#because he is blatantly out of love with me#he said: well you haven't been around to let me gauge if anything has changed#hes right but. idk what to make of it. he knows exactly why I've been avoidant#i came home and immediately broke down to him#i dont have a safe space or a safe person anymore
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there’s been many times in the last few years when army was so divided i thought we’d never recover but none of those times hold a candle to what’s going on right now. genuinely there’s no coming back from the way these anti-boycott, anti-DOING-FUCKING-ANYTHING armys have been acting
#they dont lift a finger to help but accuse pro-boycott armys of being ‘useless’ even tho bds korea literally endorses the hybe boycott#there are so many ways to support the cause by sending emails trending hashtags sharing fundraisers sharing any information at all#if it was just not wanting to boycott bts’s music i completely understand that it’s your choice and its very low on the priority list anyway#but these ppl are harassing palestinian and pro-palestinian armys. reporting their accounts. reporting their online stores. doxxing them.#starting massive hate trains against them. accusing them of being antis trying to ‘infiltrate’ ‘real’ army spaces.#when they are just palestinian/pro-palestinian armys trying to find a safe space for themselves and being continually pushed out#and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach to see what this fandom has become#how is any of this real. how do these people claim to love bts when they’re so passionately against everything bts have ever stood for#twt is the only place to get real info and updates on the boycott but im so quickly reminded of why i left twt in the first place#aeron.txt
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ik i talk abt high control groups kinda often but i do encourage anyone involved in discourse in any capacity to watch folding ideas' "this is financial advice" video, because a lot of what he says about the gamestop apes being a self-organizing high control group imo also explains the more toxic discourse tendencies, and i feel like most discussion around high-control groups on here focuses on the tradtional kind that has one or a few distinct leaders which makes it harder to draw parallels between the signs. so i think its important to point out that these kinds of groups can still create that same energy as a unit even if there isn't one specific person calling the shots
#origibberish#namely the signs ive noticed most over the years are obviously internal jargon‚ thats kind of a given when working with microlabels#but see also transmed/truscum/trender/tucute/acey/theyfab/transandrophobia truther/etc etc etc#ideas being boiled down to short gotchas that just get ping ponged back and forth#see The Entirely Of Any Ace Discourse Argument for that but again see 'theyre just trans mras'#and the tendancy for members to turn on anyone who steps out of line even a little#omg i cqnt believe i forgot pro/anti discourse too theyre really bad about all of these on both sides#oh or another example would be steven universe discourse#like 'it endorses letting fascists off the hook' would just get thrown around as if it was undisputed fact despite there being MILES#of shit going on in the background to get to that#anyways. yeah 👍 keeping this in mind has already made a huge difference in how i engage in online discussions#and has also been a good rule of thumb for when to Stop engaging with someone#where if theyre displaying these signs thank you i do not want to be part of this#and like yes that goes for people youre arguing with but it obviously /ESPECIALLY/ goes for people you like#if you have a friend who you feel like you cant say anything that disagrees with them or theyll freak out at you. you dont have to keep#being friends with them. if being around someone makes you uncomfortable and you constantly find yourself making excuses for why#they treat you the way they do then thats a bad sign#and like with that i really hope ive managed to yknow. create a nice space here where ppl feel safe bringing stuff up?#idk
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why the fuck right now. why ever actually..
#camera talks#i might die#i feel sick again#idc if i dont have any classes with them rn. just knowing i have to be in the same building#with someone who was mentally and emotionally abusive to me is freaking me out#ofc its the day i dont go to school either so i have a safe space all to myself to spiral and cry my Fucking eyes out#im glad ive been told /gen bc if i saw them without knowing beforehand i would have had a lot more problems#but i dont know if i Wont have these problems either tho#i dont know what i'll do if i See them#i've been so so happy and i feel like ive been working through some stuff and i have so many people that i love and care for#and that love and care for me#but just knowing they're around again is crumbling everything in my brain#i dont know what to do#i feel stuck and broken and i dont feel like anybody else was nearly as affected with this as i was*#*fun fact this is part of the disorder yay (not the time but)#nor do they care as much#and im just so so upset that i have to deal with this. Right now. this year#i want to be able to live my life happily with the people i love and i feel like i Cant#fuck. whatever okay.#vent#delete later
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Do gender thots ever make u wanna tear off your skin?? (Not in a dysphoria way but in a frustration way. Just to do something u kno)
#new people i meet think i am cis and treat me as such vs increasing hostile talk in media + i dont fucking know who is safe to tell#im not lying but also no one Knows#how to fit in in both cis and trans space when cis space is Potentially dangerous and in trans space i dont look trans enough or whatever tf#having thots etc#should make weird art abt this rather than tumbl post but søeepy#txt#am extremely happy i grew a beard ish 4 weeks after first t shot#BUT ALSO have not told any new person in my life since 2020#this is growing in me i am scream soon
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