#i dont have anxiety but i do get anxious most days but im able to get past it

[imflyingfish]

Aggh feeling super proud of myself like im getting on so well atm im learning to drive and im learching french and my art is going really well and ive been enjoying spending time with myself and ive been organising more things for my future and now it feels possible and i hit that deadline and ive been more equiped to deal with things that definetly would have given me a breakdown in march and like. This year is going to suck and im not getting everything i want done but its not going terribly either

[thequietkid-moonie]

Affectionate S/O

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Fubuki, Shouko ]

[ One Punch Man ] [ Komi-san can't comunicate ]

Despite the fact that im incredibly affectionate I had some troubles to write this because i didn't know how to express it hahaha

Please remember that i only write for gender neutral, and I don't write for Tatsumaki so she's out

Anyways, it was interesting to write, hope you enjoy!

Fubuki

Fubuki is a rather prideful woman, she holds a lot of pride for her power and what she had achieved on the hero fundation, however she is rather emotional too, deep down she feels insecure and tent to doubt herself some times, so when she actually gets into a relationship is with someone she trust and knows can show her more vulnerable side

Just as she holds pride from her powers she also holds pride from her relasionship, she loves you dearly and doesn't has problem with showing to everyone how a wonderful partner she has, and yet when is you the one talking good of her she actually gets flustered rather easily

Fubuki shows a prideful expression whenever she is bragging about you with others (even when her subordinates) but whenever she is with you her expression softens, even when she speak with the same determination and pride there is a lot of love in her behavior. She lets herseft be vulnerable with you, so you showing so much love and affection during those times goes directly towards her heart

Fubuki can easily handle compliments, telling herself that she used to them for her position and power, but the truth is that deep inside of her is making her heart go faster, she is more used to feel like nothing compared to her sister so reciving sincere compliments from someone she loves hits her harder that how she likes to admit, it make her feel special and loved

Telling her that you love her directly makes her more flustered and can catch her off guard, it quickly make her flustered but still she tries to keep her composture (funny because her cheeks are all red), specially if you two are in public (her subordinates just get used to seeing you being affectionate with her and see her all flustered, they normally don't say nothing about it but they share some silly smiles with each other, happy for you two)

Being physicaly affectionate towards her has an even bigger effect on her, that makes her more flustered but she never fails to return the gesture, she prefer if you dont do it in public because of her reputation and because she can't resist the urge to cuddle you and kiss you more whenever you are being so cute, physical affection out of nowhere always catch her off guard, even if you already were by her side, however there are also some times where she is the one initiating the affection (that doesn't mean she wont be a little blushy)

She doesn't mind at all you being affectionate, in fact she really enjoy it, but prefer if you do it whenever is just the two of you or at least out of her work, she just can get easily distracted by you and she doesn't want to take the risk of you getting in danger because she couldn't concentrate in her surroundings

Shouko Komi

Shouko suffer from a severe anxiety, what lead her to have a lot of difficulties in her day by day, still that doesn't stop her from loving you and wanting to be with you

It would take her a lot from her to be able to get used to be in a relationship, but as much as it make her feel anxious and even insecure she tries her best to overcome her insecurities and take some steps forward, trying to show you her love in diferent ways, however your affectionate behavior doesn't make things easy for her

Shouko isn't used to affection, most part of her family aren't physicaly affectionate and just shows their care and love in their own indirect ways, so suddenly having someone who is actively and openly affectionate towards her is really new, it make her feel really anxious because she doesn't know how to answer, it would take her a while to get used to it

Shouko is more used to don't have friends and be ignored, and suddenly being in the spotlight is dificult for her, most of the time she relay on you and in Hitohito for comfort whenever it came to trying new things (but she is slowly improving to be more open), and since you two are dating she relay more on you now, however she freeze whenever you are affectionate to her in an attempt to comfort her or make her feel safe, she wants to run away and hide for feeling flustered but at the same time she just want to melt under your loving touch

In other cases, where you are affectionate and shows her love just because you felt like it isn't different, everytime she is shocked, staring at you for a moment before nervously trying to think on what to do, should she say something? Should she return the gesture? Should just stand there? Can she run away to try and hide her inmense blush?

Being affectionate with words, by telling her how much you love her or compliments are easier to handle for her, it will flustered her (specially if you insist on what you tell her) but definetly is something she can handle, but being physicaly affectionate is more difficult for her to handle, she will freeze until she finally fully process what it is happening and is able to return the gesture, shy and completely flustered but she does return the gesture (or at least try)

As much as she gets flustered and even anxious, Shouko doesn't want you to stop, she loves any loving gesture you have with her, she probably freeze in the spot and become a blushing mess but she totally love it, if you try to stop yourself from showing affection in attempt to don't make her feel anxious, like diminishing your affection, stoping at half way or even apologizing it would affect her more than the actual affection, she grows to love it quite a lot and she can actually feel the lack of it, she will try to win the courage to tell you to please don't stop, she does want you to continue being affectionate, she wants to melt under your embrace and heard you tell her sweet nothings (well, that last part she isn't able to actually say it)

Requested by @the-ultimate-puppteer

[lycandrophile]

hey, sorry idk if its ok for me to ask for advice here, but im really lost and dont know where else to go.

i might be starting testosterone really soon, (via informed consent) but i keep flipping back and forth on whether or not i'm sure i want it. some days i think, "yes 100% im a man i want T right now" and thinking abt the effects of T makes me euphoric. other days i think, "wait AM i sure tho? what if it turns out i hate it actually" and thinking abt the effects of T on those days makes me anxious and ambivalent.

i think it might be just a fear of change, but i'm not sure, and i'm worried about making a decision i'll regret forever. it doesnt help i keep seeing ppl say things like "you need to be 100% sure you want hrt before u start because going back and forth puts a huge strain on the body" etc, but i dont know if i ever will be 100% sure.

what do you make of this? do i really need to be 100% sure? am i rushing in too fast? or is this just anxiety talking?

i spent years agonizing over if i was really sure that i wanted to start t, and you know what it taught me?

no one is ever 100% sure about anything. it’s an impossible task. that’s just not how people work — you’re always going to find more things to be anxious or unsure about when you think about it because it’s an unknown thing and it’s completely natural to be at least a little unsure of unknown things.

and most of the time, nobody expects you to be 100% sure about big decisions because we all know it’s an unfair expectation. nobody told me i couldn’t go to college because i wasn’t 100% sure where i wanted to go. nobody tells you to never drive anywhere because you’re not 100% sure that the car won’t crash. accepting risk is a part of life. trusting ourselves to make the best decisions we can — and trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever happens next — is an unavoidable part of life.

the only reason we’re held to that impossible standard of 100% certainty when it comes to medically transitioning is because people are transphobic and they want us to second guess ourselves and put off hormones or surgery out of fear. if everyone waited until they were 100% sure, no one would ever transition, and that’s exactly what they want.

i look at it like this: hormones are like any other medication. you take them because you decide they have a good shot at making your life better even though there’s also a chance they might be ineffective, have bad side effects, or even make things worse in the end. we accept that risk every time we take a medication because we weigh the options and decide the good that could come of them is worth that risk. imagine if doctors only offered medical care to people when they were 100% sure it would work and not have any side effects — they would never do anything at all!

i can’t tell you if hrt is right for you. i can’t tell you if the risk is worth it for you. what i can tell you is that, when i was unsure about what to do, there were two things that made me decide it was worth the risk:

the first is that i knew i wanted to give myself a chance. the idea of going on hormones only to get more dysphoria from it sounded terrifying, but the reality was that i was already living with dysphoria! and the idea of just accepting that because i was afraid to try the thing that could make it better was even more terrifying. at the end of the day, i decided it was better to choose the option that could make things better than it was to just spend the rest of my life wondering if it would’ve helped. the worst case scenario in both choices is dysphoria, so i figured, why not pick the option where the best case scenario is euphoria? i know dysphoria is something i can live with because i’ve been doing it for years, so i felt that i could trust myself to be able to deal with that outcome if it came. i knew it was possible that i would regret it and wish i had never started t, but i also knew i would regret it even more if i went my whole life never having given myself a chance at something better than the dysphoria i already live with. i figured, if i have to take a risk, why not take the one that excites me instead of the one i would just be taking out of fear?

the second is that hormones are fucking slow. there can be some changes that happen fast but for the most part, the changes on t take time to happen fully, and if i wanted even more time i knew i could take a lower dose to slow things down further. it’s not like you just wake up one day with a totally different body — it’s a process, and if at any point in that process you realize you don’t like what’s happening, you can stop! you’re completely in control; the second it starts to feel like it’s making something worse instead of better, you can decide to stop taking it. even with the changes that came quickest for me, i had time to assess as they started happening, and it would’ve been as simple as putting down the syringe and never using it again if i decided i didn’t want those changes to continue.

(and the people who say you can’t start and stop because of the strain on your body are exaggerating — i had to start and stop multiple times because i was having allergic reactions to all of the serums we tried, and i was totally fine. that was never even a concern my nurse brought up to me. i’m sure it’s not ideal to do that constantly, but i don’t think it’s a big thing you have to worry about.)

again, i can’t tell you if starting t is the right move for you. all of this is just how i made that decision for myself; i can’t make yours for you. what i can tell you is that you are more than capable of making a thoughtful and informed decision without being 100% sure. certainty is not a requirement.

and frankly, anyone who tells you they were 100% sure when they made that decision is either lying about it because they feel like they should’ve been totally certain, or they were in a position to make the decision so quickly that it didn’t leave time to mull things over and find things to be unsure of.

which leads me to my final point: if you’re thinking about it this hard and trying to be this meticulous about making the right decision, you’re absolutely not rushing into it. whatever decision you make, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into it and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

this is your decision, not anyone else’s, and already you have everything you need to make the best decision you possibly can. trust yourself to choose wisely, and trust yourself to be able to handle whatever your choice brings. you got this.

[kaycode1999]

From @luffysbestie101

Hii i dont know if your still doing these but i seen your matchup post on my timeline:)

I'd like to ask for a matchup from JJK, MHA or demon slayer

Personality: I'm more on the shy side and kind of anxious but once i get to know someone better i talk more. I tend to look on the positive side of things and try finding the lesson of situations. Im sometimes too empathetic for my own good and sympathize with people who don't deserve it. I like to gift little trinkets to my loved ones. i enjoy my friends being like "this is us" and its two frogs sitting next to each other. Im an INFJT personality type. I do become a little blue, i have bipolar depression and mild agoraphobia.

Pronouns/sexuality: she/her, I'm pansexual and asexual.

Visual info & aesthetics: I'm 5'3 and chubby. I have glasses along shoulder length dark brown hair that has some body to it. I have jewelry that i always wear, rings and silver hoop earrings. I sometimes wear crystal necklaces. I always leave the house with winged eyeliner, mascara and my eyebrows done. Sometimes eye shadow if i have time. I've used foundation before and thinking of picking it back up. I have three comfort hoodies I usually wear but i do branch out with cropped tops or tight shirts if I'm not feeling anxious.

I also love cardigans. I just started to wearing leggings again, i love an oversized shirt to pair with it. i stick to black clothing but i love dark greens and purples. I prefer wearing classic vans or if I'm going on a walk my running shoes.

Hobbies: i really like journaling about finding myself and who i am as a person or media i really like. I also junk journal. I enjoy reading from time to time along with writing short stories. Im learning tarot and about crystals. I really love photography and painting the most. Im into gaming as well my big three are animal crossing, overwatch and Fortnite.

My likes: I do like a good shopping haul, little trinkets and a sweet treat. I love a rainy day while playing animal crossing. Cherry or vanilla scented things are my go to. I'm a cat mom:3 also I love pasta.

My type: someone who is genuinely a decent human being, glasses or if they are taller than me. Those last two aren't a must though.

me as a partner: my love language is acts of service so l enjoy doing tasks for my partner to make things easier.

I enjoy cooking or baking for the ones I love. I also enjoy words of affirmations. These are something l'd prefer in a partner as well.

Thank you for taking your time to read this and I understand if it takes a minute to get to it! This is my first time submitting one of these

I match you with

JJK

Takuma Ino

MHA

Taishiro Toyomitsu/Fatgum

Demon Slayer/Kimetsu no Yaiba

Mitsuri Kanroji

All of them think it’s adorable you’re on the shy side

All 3 of them understand about your having anxiety

All of them love when you get comfortable around them because they understand it takes time to develop that with others

They truly admire your positive outlook. Not everyone has it and it’s something they find really special about you

I don’t think any of them would think there is such a thing as “ Too empathetic”. Sure, plenty of people don’t deserve sympathy- but the fact that you can still find it in your heart to have that sympathy is something they love and admire about you

They’re not particularly materialistic I don’t think, but if you give them something they love it very much and it will become their prized possession

As much as it makes them sad that you go through it, they will be there for you through your depression and anxiety and help in any way they can. They’re always there to give you words of encouragement through it all

They love taking an interest in your hobbies and will definitely get you supplies for them even if they aren’t able to join you with it

They all love going on shopping trips with you

They all enjoy food and will really eat anything it doesn’t matter what

I can picture rainy days just snuggled together playing video games

They will all always be getting you cherry and vanilla scented things because they know you like it

They all love animals in my opinion so they love your cat

All three of them are good and kind hearted people

They all have busy schedules so they truly appreciate you doing tasks to help them

All three of them love your cooking and are so happy when you cook for them

They all are naturally always giving out words of affirmation

[skyteller143]

TILL DEATH DO US PART (3) • C.STURNIOLO

parts: 1 / 2

warnings: swearing, panic attack

authors note: okay guys i’m actually back this time (probably not icl) buttt enjoy this chapter and if there’s anything u think i can improve comment ❤️

____________________________________

after the party the next few days were awkward, every morning me and chris would sit in silence not daring to even glance at ecahother. it was hell. i couldnt even go to my locker without feeling his presence around me, before it was tolerable, now i couldnt handle it.

Ivy didnt remeber what happened at the party because she was so drunk that she ended up throwing all night. the next morning i didnt say anything about what had happened between me and chris because it was nothing, just a stupid dare. he probably doesnt even remember it and im just being weird about it. everytime i see him i want to pounce on his lips and finish what we started rushing to the bathroom and he...

"hellooo earth to y/n" ivy said snapping me out of my thoughts, "are you okay youve been zoning out alot recently."

no. "yeah im fine ive just been really tired"

"well you better get some energy in you, the big hockey games tonight and since you decided to become cheer captain you have to be there" she said rolling her eyes. "i mean its not too bad most of the players are hot and i can just sit back and watch" "i dont understand why the cheerleaders have to go, its not like we're gonna put on some skates and cheer on the ice, its so stupid" i groan rubbing my hand over my face.

we talked for a bit longer before the bell went and then began heading to class. ivy was in a different class so i was walking by myself when some girl bumps into me and as she does she whispers "slut". i turned around to see who it was but it was too crowded. i decided to just ignore it and keep walking, some people smiling at me and some looking and whispering. this was normal to me but today it felt like there was less smiling and more whispering.

my chest began to hurt as i got more and more anxious. what were they saying? why was everyone looking at me? all of a sudden i was aware of every small noise and how many people were around me. i rushed to the double doors at the end off the hallway, they seemed so far away but i knew they were closer than they looked, i pushed the doors open and rushed around the corner. i felt the sting at the back of my eyes and squeezed them tight. most of the time when this happens i could just do some deep breathes and be fine but this time it wasnt working. i leaned agaisnt the wall as my chest kept getting tighter and tighter. as much as i tried to hold the tears back they began to fall and my legs began to shake, i leaned against the wall sliding down it and placing my knees up to my chest. your so pathetic, why am i like this? so many thoughts zoomed throught my mind i couldnt focus on anything. at this point i could barely breathe, my crying not helping in any way shape or form.

i heard footsteps and assumed it was a teacher going on their lunch, i put my head down to embarrased to even see who it was.

just fucking breathe. i tried to tell myself getting more frustrated. ive had anxiety since i was a kid i should be able to help myself in these situations but every doctor or therapist ive seen tells me the same thing, "count your fingers and take deep breaths." clearly they dont understand that its not that easy.

the footsteps got louder as they came round the corner, getting closer to me.

this is so fucking embarrassing i think to myself, pulling my legs closer to me praying that the person walking doesn’t see me. my breathing getting worse as i feel my chest get so tight it feels like someone is squeezing my lungs.

my mind is racing as i try to calm myself down but it isn’t working.

your pathetic.

just give up and let yourself suffocate.

you deserve it.

“are you okay?” someone says holding onto my arm. even tho there close to me it feels as though they are a mile away. i try to swat them off me, lifting my head up to see who it was but my tears are blocking my vision. i try to speak but no word come out, i put my head back down but they lift it back up holding my chin grabbing my hand and putting it on their chest.

“copy my breaths, your okay” their chest starts rising and falling and i try and copy their movements but it isn’t working “it-it’s not working” i stutter out squeezing my eyes shut as if it would make me disappear.

“it is just keep copying me, your fine i’m here it’s just me okay no one else” i nod slowly calming down.

my breathing goes back to almost normal and i don’t feel like i’m going to die anymore. “thank you” i say barely above a whisper.

“it’s okay you don’t have to thank me” they say moving to sit next to me. “my friend has panic attacks all the time so i know what to do, i’ve never had one myself but they always look scary.” they explain just looking down at me as i look at the floor embarrassed.

i look up and see a boy with blonde hair and green eyes, i recognise him but i don’t know him. “you don’t even know me and you helped me i think i can thank you” i say staring at him trying to remeber where i’ve seen him before.

he stands up. “you really don’t have to” he begins starting to walk away “your gonna be late for class”

“wait what’s your name?” i ask him watching him walk away

“gabe”

“bye gabe i’ll see you around.”

————————————————————

i don’t know how i feel about this part but it’s kinda a filler it’ll make sense later

————————————————————

taglist (if you wanna be added js comment and i’ll add you):

@lvr444life

————————————————————

[pjisskullourful]

I'm so proud of you

🫂⭐

thankyoooou my darling💖

stream of consciousness response cos i have so many feelings& idk if im gonna be able to sleep even though its 1.30am? okcurrrrr

holy fuck. holy fuck. HOLY FUCK!!!

i had some shitty things happen to me pre -pandemic but then being on lockdown i was forced to sit with all of that, accept the label of 'victim'& my mental health got bad. i've always been a homebody& a bit anxious in social situations, but during lockdown i became quite terrified of the outside world. there are occasions when i let my best friend down by pulling out of commitments at the last second cos i never felt good enough, i wanted to hide the fuck away, i felt myself decaying& i thought people would see that& i was SO ashamed& thats when the body dysmorphia got in the drivers seat(the street name of the concert venue was driver, i'll be the driverrrrrr)& it was crippling & took so many things from me

anytime i leave the house is an accomplishment for me now. even if its just to walk down the block to buy a loaf of bread. & going into a situation like a concert, with the overstimulation, the complete lack of control (i am a perfectionist, control freak)(i love structure, i need routines to feel safe & thrive& be happy)- i wasnt sure i could do it. i had a cry last night cos i was feeling so intimidated, i didnt know how to prepare

but i made it out of the house. i dressed myself to the fucking nines with no shame. i took PRIDE in my appearance when usually i just want to be a floating brain so that no one can perceive me in my form. i was serving CUNT, i put my entire pussy into it& i fucking did it

to be in the presence of those four fuckers, im in disbelief. i've been unemployed since a bit before the pandemic, i've had to come to terms with ptsd & the fact that i now have a disability & idk how to just jump into another job. i feel so worthless so often. but here, i dont. i had given up on my dream of making money from my writing. but now i am!(& it started with an ethan commission!!!) & im not worthless& i have accomplishments that i have gained for myself, despite everything else, despite the voice in my head telling me im not good enough, im past my peak, im decaying -- yada yada yada suicidal ideation

a little bit of my dream came true because of those four fuckers. i cried the day honey came out cos i am just so completely grateful for everything being a fan of them has given me

& it started with an ethan commission. & then ethan looked in my eyes& said thank you

i am not worthless, i am not past my peak. i am a motherfucking kool kid

thankyou for every note on every fic(i look at every single notification, they make my heart fucking soar), every kudos, every cent anyone has sent my way. tonight was a celebration of all of that& i could be present& happy& in it. no darkness could touch me, especially not while ethan was looking at me

he is as fucking flawless in person(they all are). i got to stand so close& stare at that fucking body(cos he wonderfully took his shirt off after interval)& i love him& i'll most likely love him forever, thats my baby daddy ❣️ my mum is gonna be so proud. i wish i could wake her up with a phone call. ethan is her fav& i cant wait to tell her i had an interaction with him

i sat in the gutter& went from loudly laughing(ala gaga in aura) to sobbing loudly. my world has been rocked

for some people a concert is just a concert but this is a GIGANTIC deal for me. middle finger to my anxiety. middle finger to my body dysmorphia. this is such an accomplishment. i am grateful for every fucking second, grateful to myself cos i fucking DID IT!

& this is the second time this year that i've seen a eurovision winner perform their winning song(cos my girl conchita back at the start of the year). & that is dopee as fuck!!!

my therapist is gonna be so proud 🥲

can i get a HELL YEAH for vallium? ily forever bby

tldr-- im proud of me too babyyyyyy

[firebird-nonnette]

Personal thoughts (ignore meee)

(Incredibly long post to put my thoughts because i dont wanna write in my physical journal right now but ill lose this if i dont put it on my tumblr, which i treat as a sort of visual journal)

Been thinking about death and how to soothe my death anxiety.

I got very sick with covid and I'm still fighting it a month later. Now I have a few early signs of pneumonia, which is one of the real dangers of covid.

After 4 weeks of being very ill with something like covid and with pneumonia looming, the worst case scenario keeps revolving in my mind. It's been tickling my death anxiety and i want to try and sort it out a bit.

Im doing what I can to rest, but who knows how this'll pan out. My boyfriend caught it at the same time and got over it in 10 days or so and he's head empty no thoughts about the fact that we finally (after 4 years of never catching it) caught the thing that stopped the world and killed millions.

So, I've been thinking about death. A little anxiously. A little calmly. Mostly with a nervous puzzle-solving confusion. I want to stop being afraid of illness and death. I have hypochondria and death anxiety. Had them since about a year after my mom died of a sudden illness. They got worse in 2020, like they did with most others afflicted. I've been able to have some months here and there where my anxieties were less. They're usually characterized by less screen time, more journaling, more time spent looking out windows, more time spent reading Stoic philosophy and Compassionate Mind Therapy works, and a little investigation into Near Death Experience studies that overwhelmingly report pleasant and positive experiences of the afterlife. I also spend some time with my spirituality, but I'm a very specific type of spiritual agnostic and since my mother died there's no one in my life who believes exactly what I believe (though my bf believes about 90% of the same stuff). The good times are when I'm in more or less good health and set aside time for gratitude and slowness and lots of gentle thinking and puzzling about life and death. The best times are when I'm very grateful, very mindful, and invest in enjoying the beauty of incredibly mundane things I'm usually too anxious or desenstized to notice: the feeling of my decade-old comforter when I lay on it, how sunlight hits the curtains in the computer room, how the green tea I've been drinking for 13 years tastes, how the trees and bushes cast little shadows, how the wind smells, etc etc. These are things that are almost always accessible in everyday life, but I rarely take time with them. But, when I do, -when i honestly and completely let myself enjoy them with love and gratitude for life and the world around me- I feel the most connected to "life". It's pure joy.

I have a very hard time accessing these feelings when I'm sick or in pain. Instead, I ruminate on my anxieties or distract myself with screentime.

But, back to death:

I hate the idea of dying confused and scared. The same way I hate feeling anxious and scared when I'm sick. I want to be calm and accepting. I want to feel joy and gratitude. I'm not sure how to articulate why this is important to me, but I absolutely hate the idea of getting sick, feeling awful, feeling scared and anxious, and then dying in fear and anxiety. It is very, very, very important to me to meet (or survived brushes with) death with a calm, clear, and grateful mind.

So I've been using this sickness as an opportunity to try and work on that because, honestly, my first reaction is more anxiety than calmness.

I was considering how I might try to accept my death if it were anytime soon - either from this covid pneumonia or from something else. (Because any of us could die from almost anything any day.) This is also because my aunt, who I only got to meet once, is also in hospice right now and I can't travel to see her one last time. She's all that's left of my mom. When I met her a few years ago, I saw so much of my mom in her. Mannerisms and tones and jokes I hadn't seen or heard in 8 years were still alive in her. The sound of her voice over the phone sounds so incredibly like my mother's (of whom I only have 1 or 2 home video recordings from the 90s because she was notoriously scornful of being recorded or photographed) that I cried after our conversation ended. My aunt is 81, if she passes, she will have lived 20 more years than my mom. She came down with this illness right around my mom's 10th death anniversary. She has had a long life behind her. My mom died at 61. A bit young, but she still had a very eventful life full of stories, trials, and blessings.

When it comes to death, I'm not frightened of what's on the other side. I believe death is just as natural and neutral as birth. I believe in all the reports and studies and stories about a benevolent and beautiful "other side", just as my mom had described it when she had her own near death experience 5 years before she passed. She gave me an amazing childhood and adolescence full of wonder and wisdom and death positivity. She loved discussing mortality and spirituality and the science around death. She had equipped me, very well, to know how to mourn her. Of course, without her, I lost touch with that straightforward death positivity and became more and more anxious. But I'm trying to get back to that calm, steady acceptance I once had.

While I'm scared of dying painfully, I'm not too worried. Morphine and other interventions can help and pain is temporary and, I'm sure, forgotten when you cross.

I mostly have a certain stage fright of death. Despite my beliefs about the other side, I'd still be scared, like a novice actor backstage, of being pushed beyond the curtain to see what's on the other side and succumb to whatever it is that happens on the other side. I do take comfort knowing that every human who has ever lived, including my mother, has died and if they can do it, so can I.

One other common fear of death is the worry of leaving others behind. I'm not worried. Ethan would figure life out, eventually. He'd carry on. I've told him, in our occasional talks about death, that he should move on as soon as is right for him. I'm not worried about my friends, they'll be fine, too. I don't have kids, which is the major fear people have about dying "early", so that's fine. My sister would probably grieve a little while (she estranged herself from us, but has been trying to get back in touch a little), but she'd move on, too. Dad would be the person I'd worry about the most, but he has Debbie to take care of him and he'd also move on, eventually, though he would have the worst time of it. He's very death anxious. But, all in all, everyone would be fine. So, I'm not scared of leaving anyone behind.

If I were to die soon, I realized that I'd regret not having the chance to do more.

I'm notorious for being hyperproductive and burning myself out. But I actually feel I'd regret working so hard lol. My company doesn't need ALL of me. I wanna take more time for myself.

I don't mean I'd regret not being more productive. I'd regret not creating more. Not making more of an impact. Helping people, connecting with people.

I've already done some of that, but I want to do more before I go. I'd like to have some kind of accomplishment that's just for me for the impact I've had on others and the world. Volunteering or helping organizations or content creators I admire like Stoicism or Compassionate Mind Theory science communicators or maybe writing the books i wanna write so I can at least give people a fun little time with some stories.

Maybe it would be raising a child someday (probably adopting), though I'm on the fence about this.

But, what really gets me, is I don't know WHAT is missing. I just have a general sense of wanting to do more and consume less. I want to spend a little less time on my phone or rewatching movies and spend that time on something meaningful.

Usually, when people are close to death they regret not making more friends but I feel pretty okay. I'd meet people doing whatever the meaningful thing is I wanna do.

What bothers me is there's no way I'd be able to do a super meaningful or impactful thing between now and when this pneumonia would escalate. Soooooo I also wanna find peace that if I were to die before I could do something more, I want to accept that I did what I was able to up to this point and just be okay with that.

Because, honestly, we are all deeply impactful presences in the world even if we don't do a lot.

My writing for media psychology has had an impact on many people. I've gotten lots of comments from people saying my writing has helped them or inspired them, changed their lives. I think that's probably good enough. Maybe instead of saying I'd "regret" not doing more, the better way to think of it is "if I could live a little longer, I'd love to do more".

Anyways, I'm tired now and rest is important. I had to get these thoughts out linearly. Time for bed. Will try to spend time grateful and joyful tomorrow. This pneumonia will statistically probably get better on its own, but its been a good obstacle and lesson to learn about myself. But, just on the off-chance Im headed for serious illness or even death, I'm gonna try and enjoy everything I can for now.

[vbee-miya]

helloo!!! could i get a matchup for bnha?? :0 (this is the first time im requesting something sorry if i say anything wrong msfnsnnd) im 18 (i turned 18 only some days ago lol), i use he/they pronouns (im a trans boy:]) and im gay mdmfms im an isfp and a hufflepuff if that matters!!! im v introverted and shy at first and im not someone who likes to go out because i have trouble with loud noises n too much people, but whenever i go out im the kind of person who talks too much (when im w friends) and is a literal clown, although i still cant talk with people outside my circle so other people have to often speak up for me (esp when i want to buy stuff mssmfmsmdlmao), as for my traits, ig im kind of pessimist when it comes to myself? but super optimistic when it comes to others, im also v anxious, protective towards ppl i like and very, very blunt, because i speak without thinking,,, i also daydream a lot and get distracted even more, i have a lot of energy too but i just dont show it so thats that!! as for hobbies im a writer and an artist! (daydreaming helps a lot for some reason), i like playing videogames and that stuff, and i also love researching things such as bugs (i love them but if you put a bug Infront of me i'd cry) and human behavior:], ii also have a lisp so how i speak in every single Language sounds funny,, im basically what would happen if you combined a nerd, anxiety, a clown and too much coffee (i cant even drink coffee bc of my adhd tho since it makes me very sleepy) hehebw i hope that information is good!! sorry for rambling too much again aa

༺❀༻ matchup ༺❀༻

i don't see why not, here ya go.

hop in on the adventures of tintin. 

he doesn’t mind going out to places that are quiet, or places that have little to no interaction with people. so probably like hanging around his dormitory or if given the chance when the school is on break he’d invite you to his place or if you ever offer, then you guys could hang around at your place. 

mirio to me is the type of guy who can easily warm up to people and usually knows what to say and do. i mean after all, what do you expect from someone in the big three? so even hanging out that random silence of awkwardness would cease to exist. the more you both start getting to know each other and start creating that good rapport he’d be able to talk about anything and everything. and let's say there’s a topic you love talking about that isn’t within his knowledge, then no worries he’d be more than willing to learn and listen about it. 

when you guys are outside, potentially to go out eating and or to buy things, mirio is your man, your buddy. you bet he’d be the one doing all the talking. i mean you can’t really shut him up. anyways when you guys go out to buy stuff he’d actually buy anything you’d want and that’s a fact. he’s generous. 

pessimism is natural, anyone can feel those doubts and it’s so easy seeing things negatively. especially about oneself. but as optimistic as mirio can be he’d understand where you’re coming from and rather than saying haphazardly things like “don’t think like that” “don’t say that'' he'd be more than willing to hear you out and encourage the hell out of you. because no one deserves to be thought about like that especially from us. 

your bluntness in my headcanon is something that catches him off guard sometimes, though he’d appreciate the bluntness. he’s most definitely the type to accept critical criticism or just anything about him. in terms of self-improvement. 

every time you have that burst of energy mirio would think that it’s cute. and sometimes if not most times would be highly fascinated with your daydreams and would actually give great writing ideas to write about as they’re not too complex and can be worked around rather quickly. 

there’s a funny little headcanon i have where he doesn’t mean to put a bug at your face, he just thought the stick bug was really cool and knew to some degree you’d research about them potentially. 

he’d wouldn’t even notice your lisp and would actually say that he doesn’t hear it. but till one day he really notices it and his world opened anew.

[gh0st1nth3shell]

Te extraño

Its been a while since I was last really invested in Tumblr. Lost the one I had since middle school 4 years back and had to restart. Kinda demoralized me so I just haven't been on it. I have like 2 followers and I haven't bothered to even see who they are. I doubt they know me so that makes this a lot easier. Besides using Tumblr to cope and escape as a kid, I also used to be very invested in writing as a medium for release and clarity. Starting now, I guess Ill be combining the two.

Abuela, to you I dedicate these words to. Pero primero, I must apologize to you. I'm currently off two grams of shrooms, 5 blunts, and 4 shots of tequila.

Ill start by saying Im not sure what Im trying to accomplish with this. Maybe Im just looking to vent without a response or judgment. Im not certain if these words and the sentiment behind them will ever reach you but I pray in my heart they do. Ive always been better at expressing myself through pose rather than articulation and I guess that's for the better. Speaking is a waste of breath anyway.

Lately youve been popping up more and more into my mind. Its more than likely the seasonal depression Ill never escape from, but I also just feel like maybe you've been trying to reach me. These last 4 months out of the year are always the hardest for me.

You dont know this, very few people do besides now I guess the people who come across and read this, however, I was 4 in 2001. I was in Manhattan at daycare since neither of my parents could take care of me. We were only a few blocks down. I'm not sure why, but the memories of that day have been coming back to me and more vividly each time. I can recall being fetal position lined against the wall. Your daughter, my aunt, was the one who picked me up. You already know she was a New York City EMT, as well as her service during the attack. She escorted me to the medical van. I didn't get to enter before seeing the second plane hit. I can only see smoke now, the brilliant flash of orange and dark red, a fireball that was enveloped by smoke, and screams and panic. Im 27 and only able to conceptualize now, the fact that I watched hundreds of people die with my own eyes.

October Isnt terrible, but its cold. It brings me back to Melrose, South Bronx. My mother used to try and force some feigned happiness between her and her children. Everything she did was for show and tbh the hassle of getting dolled up in whatever costume she decided to put me in at the age of 5, made the shit more traumatizing than anything. Her birthday was last month but seeing as to how we don't talk at all anymore, or rather she denounced me as her son, these two months together kinda rub salt into an open wound. I can only recall the anxiety associated with her. Everything she wanted was a mandate. I realize now that I had no free will, opinion, choice, or respect when it came to my place under her. I have nightmares of her a lot now starting around 2 years ago. Im always running from her. Always hiding in some way or another. Always imprisoned or trapped, anxious or afraid.

December is most-likely the reason for that. I was 3. I don't remember shit from my younger years. I was always switching boroughs since I was a victim of a stupid ongoing custody battle for 10 years. Most of my time focus and energy by the time I was 3 was dedicated to raising my younger sister and brother. The thing is they weren't in the picture when this happened so I must've been just 1 and this would've been my first Christmas. We would've been living in Flatbush, Northside of Brooklyn, since that's were I was born. I can still generally remember the day decently well. My mom and dad weren't married long at all and when they were I could tell they weren't in love. The same way I feel around my mother is the same she felt around my father. That was obvious then and it is now. She cooked for my father and me and Im certain Brussel sprouts was in the food because it the one thing I wont eat besides olives and I remember your son bitching at me about it, to be respectful and grateful for the food my mom spent all day cooking. (He was decent on solemnly rare occasions). There always seemed like their was a static in the air that day and even now, I will never understand what it was... I just know that my first Christmas and my first exposure to domestic abuse was on the same night. Lights were up, there was a tree, there was my goldfish Elmo (sesame street was my shit), presents... all of it was destroyed by the end of the night. I unfortunately cannot escape the memories of seeing the different weapon, the rage and fear, the helplessness. My dad using anything he could to break down the door where me and my mother were behind to try and get to her. 1 year old me really tried holding the door back as if I could do shit.. it felt straight out of a fucking horror movie. I don't think Ive ever truly escaped that panic and fear. I can still recall my mothers bloodied face, bruised and bloodied body and her busted lip and tears as Brooklyn police took my father out in cuff. Nothing but wreckage and my futile attempts at consoling my mother by offering my teddy bear. I was never aware that that same exact abuse would be targeted at me.

While thats is probably the most tragic, unfortunately, Its very close with having unknowingly lost you in November so many years ago.

I apologise again, because I wasnt there in your final moments. I never thought the last time I would ever see you would be when I was 11 or that the last time I would ever hear your voice was when I was 13. Im convinced your son and daughter, my father and aunt, both very much hated me. Nothing else really seems to make sense. Everyone was aware except me. My brother and sister knew. My mother fucking knew and it feels like legitimately everyone held that information from me the whole time. I didn't know your last moments were spent bed ridden. I wasn't aware there severity of your mental condition and your overall health. No on told me you had passed. No one invited me or told me about the funeral, the burial service or the wake. My father had denounced me before that point sure, but to have been neglected in such a way as to deny me a chance to see you off, it kills me in ways I cant describe.

You have been the only woman in my entire life to show me unconditional and consistent love. You were the only one who allowed me to cry and to be aware of my depression instead of trying push it down. You were probably the only person who saw things for what they were, I was traumatized since 1, I was a parental child by 3, deeply traumatized by the age of 4 and suicidal since the age of 5. You saw how smart, loving, and full of light I was but also all the darkness around me. Spending nights under your care in Queens was probably the only time I felt safe and at peace in my forsaken childhood. You exposed me to arroz con leche. You put cinnamon sticks and nutmeg in it. Ive been in love since and if I had to think on it, its my comfort food and overall second favorite meal.

I felt safe snuggling in bed with you and watching Telemundo news and dramas even tho I never knew what they were saying. I can barely remember what you smell like anymore. Im starting to slowly lose sense of what your voice sounds like. Its getting harder to remember what you look like. Ill never forget your name though. Ill never forget the feeling of warmth and safety Ive felt in you arms and in your grace. Thank you for doing your best to protect me. Thank you for being the only person who was ever proud of me. Thank you for being the only one to see and accept me for everything I was and am. Thank you for being the only woman and the only person to love me with no condition, expectation, judgment, or sacrifice. Lastly, please forgive me for not being able to stop crying almost ten years after your death. Youre Johovahs witness so I know your up with Father God in your rightful place in heaven. You don't like Halloween at all, but you made Thanksgiving warm when I was blessed enough to share it with you.

Ill be alone for the holidays this year. I know at the very least you'll be with me so Ill try to cook something nice for us for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I at least want to make Arroz con Leche for you, by your recipe.

Abuelita, Grandmother Ilma. I miss you so much I want to fucking die. But I push on in your honor and love. Please continue to protect me, my love. Rest in peace and Heaven, my angel.

-With so many tears, sincerely Junior.

[alicedoessurveys]

35 Get to Know Me Questions

What is your nickname?

Bong

When is your birthday?

11th June

What was your longest relationship?

a few months. ive never had a proper full on boyfriend. im asexual so as soon as they start wanting that im like ick

What is your favourite book?

i have a few; The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy. The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman. The Heartstopper Series. Many more but i cant list them all

What is something you're insecure about?

myself. just pretty much everything about myself.

5 Male celebrity crushes:

Pedro Pascal, Oscar Isaac, David Thewliss, Taika Waititi, Ethan Hawke

5 Female celebrity crushes:

Kate McKinnon, specifically in Ghostbusters... i cant think of any others that i class as crushes

What is your dream job?

actress

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

standing centre stage in front of a theatre full of people and acting my ass off after being told id never be able to because of my anxiety

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

ive perfomed on stage with Take That

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs; rehearsing for the show im in at the moment, getting my hair done, spending time with family, dnd with friends, seeing Jonas Brothers live, my mom getting the all clear from cancer!

lows; multiple anxiety attacks, finding out im going to be homeless in the new year

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

Italy

How do you de-stress?

Play sims. Have a bath. Have a nap. Cuddle my bunny.

What are your favourite apps besides tumblr?

instagram

Describe yourself in one sentence.

a bit weird, a bit awkward, but a nice person

What do you think makes you attractive?

my hair

What is something you're really good at?

overthinking

What is something you're really bad at?

socialising

A time that you told a lie.

i honestly cant remember

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

in 2016 Mozart sold more CDs than Beyonce

Who knows you the best?

my cousin

What is your most prized possession?

a funko pop figure of my best friend rhys who died last year

What is your longest friendship?

rhys, we were friends since we were 3 and he was 28 when he died

When did you first feel like an adult?

probably driving a car on my own for the first time after passing my test

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

i dont play sports but i do dance and im looking at maybe joining a netball team in the new year

How are you feeling right now?

a bit anxious, health anxiety is kicking my butt

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for me personally no, i think i need to get to know someone well first

Favourite song lyrics right now?

"Maybe it's okay, if I'm not okay, cause the one who holds the world is holding on to me. Maybe it's alright, if I'm not alright, cause the one who holds the stars is holding my whole life."

What does self care look like for you?

allowing myself to have a lazy day. sitting on the sofa all day, watching films, playing video games, not doing housework

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

the singer whose songs i relate to the most is Cat Burns

What makes you nervous?

like, everything 🤣

What’s a pet peeve you have?

people being unkind

What will always make you cry?

so much, especially since my bestie died. im an emotional wreck.

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

im usually pretty shy and quiet at first so most people see me like that

[capcomgrl]

been so upset recently

arguing w boyfriend

fatter than ever

Just having a hard time finding any moment of relaxation or peace. There is no relief. Got fucked over at my job and now i’m struggling to pay any bills. Always on edge. Anxiety medication makes me drowsy into the next day. Can’t sleep if me and bf are arguing. We argued because i got slightly triggered in the car, I’m sensitive to gore and he was pretending to cut my thigh with his fingers and staple me. Ive asked him not too before. I had an interview earlier so i was a little high strung. I got upset & asked him to just say a quick sorry, bc he got super quiet. And thats how we stayed for 30 mins. He told me he gets frustrated and doesnt like feeling like he has to always apologize for something. That it happens too much. He still didnt say sorry, only when I asked twice. And then I comforted him instead of him comforting me. Then I had to go to work. I’m currently a server and that has been another hell in itself. I’m just super nervous and anxious but thats how ive been all the time recently. Theres never something to not be freaking out about. If im happy I cant be because im fucking fat and ugly. Why has this always been my life man. I didn’t ask for these things to happen that led me here and made me have these vicious emotions and thoughts. I think about dying a lot. I had a psychologist tell me he thinks I’m schizotypal. Fuck man I’m just weird but not in the cute way. Not in the still lovable way. Different but interesting. i'm awful. i have a hard time talking to anyone. and its getting worse as I get older. i just want it to stop. trying to fix these problems i have just made it easier to gain all my weight back. i got even fatter when i went inpatient for my overeating. its been two years and I have only lost 10 lbs. i just dont wanna be fat anymore i hate using food for comfort or food to cope for me. i hate always having to have some kind of noise playing because I cant just be alone and do one thing silently. i cant read i cant draw. i feel my fat cushioning everywhere around me every time i move. my bf is stressed bc he is having to pay for all of the bills. ive never been job insecure but of course when i finally move out of my moldy health hazard house my job starts giving me 5 hrs a week. i couldnt believe it. i cant just be happy. im always causing a problem or starting something or just not happy enough. i cant even be alone with myself. i'll k myself I hate myself. its not getting better for me its only getting worse. i just want to be able to function the way most people can. he will be home soon and he'll notice im not as energetic or happy. he'll want to talk about it but not really. he'll want me to make him feel better about me feeling upset. i cant do it right now. whats wrong with me. i cant shower but my problems with cleanliness are getting worse. i cant get in my bed or wear my pajamas if im not showered even if its only been a day. i do my best it never takes more than 10 minutes but it feels awful. to look at me and to remember what that fuck ass counselor told me about my showering. that it only makes sense why i avoid the shower. why did she have to make that connection for me. i think about it every time i shower. i feel crazy. i feel like it will never go away. it gets harder to deal with. i will start school soon and i am excited for that. and i have a very sweet cat. and my partner and i do have our good moments. i just wish I could make everything fit together better.

[hinoko-takami]

Hello. I am coming here to just scream into a void. I dont want to burden our friends with this but the words need to get out of my head.

Things have been extremely hard on us recently. To keep things short, we lost a lot of people we thought good friends, and our stress levels have been super high ever sence. We made some new friends but they have their own dramas we are trying to stay out of.

I, Death, have been frontstuck for a few days now and its begining to take a toll on me. I understand why nobody wants to be front for long now. We were switching a lot more before I got stuck. We're worried that the stress of these events are going to cause us to have a new host, or for our host to split. We really dont want that, mostly for our non-system friends.

We can deal with it, we have before im sure, but the pain it could cause our friends, who dont fully understand, would be too intense. We risk loosing them too. Not out of being upset, but out of not having that same bond.

We try to make a bond with them whenever someone else is front, but i worry its not enough. I'm very afraid of that. What would we do if we lost them? I dont even know.

We dont want a new host. We dont want to split, we dont want people to go dormant. We just want to feel better.

Our friend, ill call them 1, was talking to me, and out of nowhere they said they missed our host. I felt dread. I didnt know how to react, knowing that theres a possibility that they could never see him again. It would hurt them too much. I dont want them to hurt.

Its simalar with our other friend, 2. She seems distant from us whenever its not our host fronting. I understand, but it hurts... we care for her too. Most of us have a good memory of our friends, so to feel like we're being distanced hurts, especially after everything that just happened.

As I mentioned prior, ive been frontstuck for a while. I think today is day 4. Imnnit holding up as well as i thought i would. Im usually a very happy person, but stress finally caught up to me last night. I had been able to distract myself from how much i missed my family in the inner world, as i found myself enamored with another person from another system. They had to switch out and i feel as though i did something wrong, despite knowing i havent. When another person fronted, he and i talked, the way he spoke about my friend hurt to hear, but i didn't fight anything. He was the one who made me feel i was doing something wrong, despite again. Doing nothing wrong. It wasn't intentional on his part and inhold no ill will against him, i would actually like to know him better, but still. My friend is curently on what is esentially time out from fronting for a little while, for what i feel to be a ridiculous reason. Regardless, its not my choice to make.

It doesn't help that i have a hard time with social interactions. We are autistic, and some people have it worse than others. I personally struggle heavily with social cues, tone indicaton, intense emotions, and i have an awful time articulating my emotions, even to myself. We also have severe social anxiety, which just makes it worse. I want to get to know people better, i want to be social, i just struggle a lot with it.

I lost rhe point of this, then again, was rhere wver really a point? The point is that im stressed and anxious and depressed. The point is i dont want to be front anymore. The point is that i want my family.

Thank you if you've read this far, for whatever reason. I wish you a good day.

-Death

[mackjlee9]

But you are soo pretty so this is perfect timining i guess, i know you always say your pictures make you look better than in real life and all but i still love them (no i dont regularly look at them like a stalker i just have a very good memory when its about people i like and your like my favourite person)

My day was fine i guess, went back home. Feeling abit anxious about chinese tomorrow and i dont know why.

The horny is hitting and the scaramouche brainrot is so stuck in my head its unreal, but im so annoyed by it. I also need to call the doctor for an import appointment but i feel so nervous and can already feel that its gonna take the whole month for me to do it because i get paralyzed thinking about it.

Hehe I wouldn't find it weird even if you did, pup

The random anxiety is the worst, it happens at the most random times and without reason 🙃 been there a bunch of times

Well, it is called brainrot for a reason, but yeah I can see it getting annoying after a while. I can't say much about the doctor's appointment because I've never been in that situation, but I know you'll be able to call them.

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[ventingoutmyass]

6.29.23

just had the thought, right now.

maybe my timing is off, but it feels correct anyhow.

a couple weeks? maybe? since ive thought about my own death in like, any capacity?? like, ive been doing things that I enjoy for the last month and a half ive been unemployed, right, and like...

Its?? amazing??

is this what most people feel like? to have normal stressors that affect you a normal amount? to do chores bc you simply want them done and the idea of doing them doesnt feel like burning alive? to be able to say “im gonna relax the rest of the day and do the things i want to do because ive earned it” and actually meant it?? like really felt it?? 

for suicide not to be the forefront nor the back burner thought at all times? thats possible for me??

like yeah ofc the anxiety of getting a job is real, but i dont bear its weight 24/7. I bear it when it comes, like a seemingly normal person. im anxious to make the calls and go for the interviews, but i actually do them all. 

and the time i think i genuinely do the best i possibly could and feel luck on my side, i havent gotten the call ive been expecting for... four days now?? yes im procrastinating, but the trick is, i dont procrastinate. i just never intend. I actually intend to call them today. fuck i dont want to. dammit melissa.

but actually, this isnt an experience i know. something almost akin to happiness.

if this is how most people live in their brains, i can see where the opportunity to want life exists. i can see, with adequate energy remaining after the work and necessities, how a person can enjoy life enough to want to live it. to work for that. i think ive gained a hint into that insight. 

im not hopeful. of course not. its me. but this is nice, at last as it seems to last. maybe for the next few hours, maybe for a few months. who knows, maybe even a few years. what a miracle it would be, to break the cycle. 

i hold no hope, ive always been a person to simply make it through the day. 

[fraener]

4/15/23

this week has been hard on me. ive been very anxious and even stayed home from school thursday because i was too scared to leave the house until the evening i went with hans and we worked in the garden. its nice to be touching the dirt again. i cant remember if i wrote in here that i joined the experimental music ensemble or not, but were meeting for the second time tonight. it felt good to do something new and be kind of bad at it. i realized in that moment that i really miss trying things and being bad at them. its been strange, i feel really scared in the mornings and then i feel ok by the evening usually, a little scared again when im going to bed. my anxiety and ocd are evolving in new and interesting ways. it sort of feels like when a zit is surfacing or something, everything feels like its coming to a head and everything thats building up pressure under the surface is going to come flowing out and then ill be ok again. im looking at my healing and hurting cycles like breathing....a big inhale of horrible painful scary events and then i hold my breath for a little bit and then a biiiiiig exhale every few years. my lower and middle back have been hurting, and i think im having some dampness/spleen stagnation thats making it overact on my kindeys. ive definitely been stressing out and have had a really hard time getting out of the cycles and into the ifs lobby/core self. but other than my anxiety things have been really good. i fall a little more in love with hans every day which is really nice, and even though we had some conflict recently we both handled it so reasonably that it didnt even make a bump in the road for more than a couple of hours. its still been hard to eat but no so much because im scared of getting sick as its just hard to find fresh food in the grocery store. the produce is really bad right now and so im really looking forward to the coming weeks where ill be able to eat things that arent canned or bread or dairy anymore. i finally got some eggs so im really happy with that. i kinda think i might have to just move back to seattle after all when school ends. the artist trust is really promising for grants and such and i really really really miss home. im going to be penpals with stefan i think, they said yes so im excited about it. i started crying really hard because it felt like an avenue back into feeling like myself and feeling like home. theres this shimmering warm light like from one of those big windows in the animation room that i keep feeling when i feel like i can return....i get the same feeling from that first spring in this apartment. like the world is so big and warm and bright. like theres something right outside of my little stormcloud i cant seem to get out from underneath. i think i want to travel lots and go to grad school somewhere really interesting but i also really want to come home, germs and loud noises and high prices and all. but today i feel ok. today stefan said yes to being penpals with me, today i stumbled across the blog of someone who loves food and loves to cook beautiful things who lives right across the street in the martin in one of the apartments facing the olympian. today im going to call my grandma and karen and go do some more earth prepping and go to the herb store and go to my choir practice. today i might clean or meditate or go for a walk, i might try and make something out of clay, i might write a letter, i might cry some more. today is full of just as much good possibility as bad possibility. actually i think more good than bad. my outlook has been so damaged and changed in so many ways i just want everything to get flipped right side up again. i think if i could see the world a little different like i used to id feel so much better. i dont need to make a beautiful life up, i need to see how good life is right now and lean into it as hard as possible. what max said about life being a competition for who is having the most fun is right. i should be trying to win.