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youremyheaven · 1 year ago

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The Strictness of Saturn: Giga Chads, Scammers & Spiritual Gurus

Lately, I have been contemplating the energies of Saturn and how it manifests in men and it brought me to the realization that Saturnian men are the type of men that other men idolize and look up to. There are always certain male celebrities that other men fawn over but women dgaf about and they usually tend to be Saturnian as well. Why do men worship Saturnian men? For starters, the world we live is a deeply Saturnian one, with law and order, systems and regulations and structure. The general narrative is that in order to be successful in life, you have to "hustle and grind" and work hard and that you'll be rewarded for it. This is essentially the theme of Saturn. Saturn is also a masculine planet and a malefic. We live in a capitalist society where the working culture is designed with men in mind. Be it the 9 to 5 or the culture of conquest and domination (in business, politics, colonization etc) are all aggressively yang. You do all of it to make more profit to buy/accumulate more stuff, this is a deeply patriarchal worldview because yang energy is one that is fixated on "accumulation". Therefore to thrive in this world, its important to have a strong Saturn and the kind of people who thrive in this set up, aka men, look up to and admire other men who exemplify such Saturnian qualities.

I'm going to start with the most notorious example of this Saturn worship by men

Andrew Tate, Anuradha Sun & Moon

Tate's brand of hyper-toxic masculinity and his "hustler university" is so wildly misogynistic it's insane. Yet it appeals to many men.

In one video, Tate describes how he would deal with a woman who accused him of cheating: “It’s bang out the machete, boom in her face and grip her by the neck. Shut up bitch.” He’s argued that women are a man’s property, shouldn’t drive, and shouldn’t leave the home if they’re in a relationship. He claims only to date 18 and 19 year olds as it’s easier to “imprint” on them, and in a now deleted YouTube video, Tate claimed that “about 40 per cent” of the reason he moved to Romania is that he believed police in Eastern Europe would be less likely to pursue rape allegations.

Tate seems to represent the lifestyle that most men dream of (wealthy) and he presents himself as ultra masculine/alpha like which is every man's dream but the thing is extreme behaviour of any sort comes across like that person is overcompensating for something.

Machoism and machismo are what men use to signal to other men that they're not to be messed with. Its a very primitive display of behaviour that probably goes back to the cave men era where men had to rely on physical strength and brute force to survive. But no man who is actually secure in himself will feel the need to aggressively display his "masculinity" by spewing absolutely vile hateful nonsense against women or other people. Toxic masculinity is rooted in narcissism and self centeredness; these men want to be the best among men (more rich, more powerful, get more girls etc). Its a gross by product of male insecurity because truth be told men grossly overestimate the standards women have for their romantic partners.

they seem to have a scarcity mindset about how no women would want to be with a deadbeat ugly loser (i mean, duh) but believing that every single woman would only date 6’4” dudes with 12 abs and rolexes isn't true either. majority of heterosexual relationships feature a gorgeous girl with a guy who looks like a gnome. many women date absolutely hideous men who are broke just because they have sweet personalities and are nice to be around.

but male insecurity leads to incel behaviour because they believe that the reason women dont go for them is because they're ugly or broke when usually the reason women dont go for them is because theyre an asshole. by blaming women for not sleeping with them or dating them, they get to conveniently shift attention from the fact that they have absolutely nothing to offer and also, women dont owe charity sex to lame, rude, broke, ugly men?

men underestimate just how much personality matters. and by pretending that being the "alpha" will get them women, they're feeding their own masculine egos because women literally just want a guy who is sweet, texts them back regularly, listens to them and isn't a complete asshole. you never hear a woman talk about being into "alphas". its literally just a male fantasy that is completely severed from what real people are like or what real people want. its like how men believe the "Cool Girl" exists, they write female characters to be quirky, nerdy but above all hot and constantly feeding their male ego, they also write male characters to be macho, alpha, dominating other men and women because they want to be like these men.

anyways lol went off on a tangent (me with every post)

Saturn is considered a malefic not because of how it represents "karma" or "discipline" its because Saturn overdoes the strictness, commitment and discipline and "hard work" associated with it. You may work hard but you can't always tell if you're working hard enough or why your hard work isn't translating to results/rewards. That is the energy of Saturn. You overdo things and go beyond the extra mile. This may sound like a good thing because we live in a world that values these traits but it can manifest in many unpleasant ways bc pushing yourself that hard means risking burnout out and it's actually unhealthy to swing into such extremes? You can live a good life without living like a monk or a soldier which is what a lot of hustle/self-improvement coaches advocate for. This is a negative manifestation of Saturn; believing that deprivation, scarcity and harshness are the only way to get things done or that "tough love" is the answer.

Hunter Moore has a Saturn stellium (Mercury & Venus in UBP and Saturn in Anuradha)

He was a predecessor to Andrew Tate who posted intimate photos (some acquired through hacking, and many nonconsensually submitted) of women with their Facebook details on IsAnyoneUp.com (he's a convicted criminal)

He's an early example of a toxic masculine internet influencer who spewed misogyny and was worshiped by many dudebros.

Solar men may be Chads who just want to hang out with other men but they are NOT like these Saturnians. If we're going to think of Sun as the most masculine or "yang" planet, it also means they're masculine to the point of being almost feminine, if that makes sense? The qualities of preferring other male company, valuing male friendships and wishing to keep women at an arm's length (under the guise of "independence" or "non-attachment") are similar to behaviours shown by women described as a "girls girl". Solar people of either gender have a very welcoming, positive energy but they're often virtually sexless. (there are exceptions to everything ofc) but these are not people known for being highly sexually desirable. They're likable and have qualities/traits that make them "wanted" but Solar energy is too self-centered to be sexually appealing. Sun is the centre of our solar system, it's used to being the source of light and does not have the same need to achieve things the way Saturnians do for whom accomplishment has its origins in insecurity and the desire to overcompensate for what they lack. Solar ambition is rooted in their belief that they're the best and deserve to be at the top of the world and refusal to settle for anything less. Those are two very different approaches.

Tom Hardy, Uttaraphalguni Sun, Chitra Moon once said:

“A lot of people say I seem masculine, but I don’t feel it,” Hardy confessed. “I feel intrinsically feminine. I’d love to be one of the boys but I always felt a bit on the outside. Maybe my masculine qualities come from overcompensating because I’m not one of the boys.”

Tbh this could be a generalization but I feel like I have seldom seen Solar men present themselves as mega alpha hypermasculine figures. They are often perceived that way but they're not personally like that. They're more boyish, more youthful than aggressively "manly". They actually represent a more indulgent "frat boy" type of masculinity than the alpha male ideal presented by many Saturn men.

I'll cite some examples of famous men who are popular among men and not so much among women

Jason Momoa- Pushya Stellium (Sun, Mercury & Venus)

Men love to talk about him like he's a God or something because he represents the kind of masculinity that other men want to embody. 6'5 bulky beefcake build and has this uber-masculine personality.

Like all Saturnian men, he's also known for making crass, tasteless remarks like the time he said at ComicCon:

“But as far as sci-fi and fantasy, I love that genre because there are so many things you can do, like rip someone’s tongue out of their throat and get away with it and rape beautiful women"

In 2011 during an interview he said:

"Yeah, I’m raping Emilia [Clarke]” he said. “I love her, but I’m hurting her and she’s crying. We could have made it longer, but you get the idea. I’m not a rapist. I prefer my women to enjoy sex.”

All of these statements reek of the smug asshole Saturn alpha-chad vibes like he really thought he did something by saying it. You just know that he was saying it for other men to laugh to🤢🤮🤮

Saturnian men lack social grace and manners and are literal troglodytes

Sam Levinson- Pushya Moon

everything he has ever made is SO male gaze-y, be it Euphoria or The Idol. he literally makes torture porn and all his female characters are treated like shit with absolute shitheads written as the male protagonist

The Idol portrays an absolutely vile toxic relationship where the woman is literally treated like scum. He sidelined his female collaborator on The Idol and reworked the show to suit his shitty male gaze. The show Euphoria was also stolen from photographer Petra Collins' aesthetic. Here's what she said:

he's also just known for being an asshole in general. several female cast members on euphoria asked Sam if they could cut down on the nudity (first of all, i think making a highschool drama, casting grown adults and getting away with depicting gratuitous sex scenes is fucked up on its own)

Sydney Sweeney had said:

“There are moments where Cassie was supposed to be shirtless and I would tell Sam, ‘I don't really think that's necessary here,’” she told the Independent. “He was like, ‘OK, we don't need it.’”

Jason Statham- Pushya Sun, UBP Moon

Jason is another example of a man who is idolized by men. He's known for playing menacing tough guys in action movies who are sometimes complete psychopaths and has the brooding toxic violent masculinity that men get off to.

Tom Brady, UBP Moon

He is another male celebrity whom men fawn over.

Chris Evans, Anuradha Rising

Chris is arguably more popular among men than he is among women. He's too plain and boring to appeal to the female gaze truth be told.

DJ Khaled, Anuradha Sun conjunct Mercury (and Saturn in Pushya)

DJ Khaled is in general known for being an obnoxious, egotistical, pompous asshole further confirming the rumours about how self-obsessed, vain, downright delusional and mannerless Saturnian men are.

In 2014, DJ Khaled revealed in an interview that he never performs oral sex on women. The full quote goes like this:

"It's certain things I just don't do. I believe a woman should praise the man, the King." "If you holding it down for your woman, I feel like the woman should praise and the man should praise the Queen," he continued. "But, you know, my way of praising is called, 'How was dinner? You like the house you living in? You like all them clothes you getting? I'm taking care of your family, I'm taking care of my family"

When host Angela Yee asked Khaled if he "goes down" on his longtime girlfriend, he replied, "Nah, never. Nah, I can't do that. Hell nah...I can't do that. I don't do that."

Yee asked Khaled if he would be okay with his girlfriend not giving him oral sex, to which he said, "Nah, it's not okay. You gotta understand I'm the Don, I'm the King."

She told Khaled she doesn't think the double standard is fair. Khaled said, "It's different rules for men. You gotta understand, we the King. There are some things that you guys might not wanna do or wanna do. It gotta get done. I just can't do what you want me to do. I just can't," he added.

This literally sums up how Saturnian men see themselves versus how they see women.

Logan Paul, UBP Sun & Mercury

In 2017 Paul was accused of sexist behaviour with the release of his song "No Handlebars." The track, which samples 2008's "Handlebars" by Flobots, changes the original song's lyrics from "I can ride my bike with no handlebars," to "I can ride your girl with no handlebars." The video shows Paul mounting three women who have positioned themselves to act as a bicycle. This wasn't the first time Paul was accused of sexist behavior, famously releasing a now-deleted Vine with controversial Vine star Sam Pepper in which the pair lassoed women as a way of courting them.

In 2018, in one of the first videos back from his infamous post-Suicide Forest hiatus, Paul can be seen lifting a live koi fish out of water and moving it like a toy boat, as well as tasing dead rats.

In January 2023, fans were outraged when Paul's former pet pig, Pearl, was found abandoned and injured in a field by the nonprofit The Gentle Barn. In the past, he had put his Pomeranian in seemingly stressful situations for YouTube videos, like introducing him to an actual tiger and putting him in a bucket to zipline him off the roof.

In fact, animal abuse/cruelty seems to be a recurring theme with many Saturnians, both men and women. I think so many Saturnians are notorious for abusing animals because their desire for domination and control manifests most through people who cannot fight back. Obviously being abusive to women and expressing desire to subjugate them is another extension of this Saturnian tendency but it is very telling how a Saturnian can and will dominate, control and abuse absolutely every living being they come across.

many years ago, Kim Kardashian, UBP Moon went viral for holding a cat like a toy and many people said it was abusive behaviour

Kristi Noem, Anuradha Sun, Ketu in Pushya

She recently came under fire for revealing in her memoir how she shot and killed her dog who was difficult to train along with her goat who she hated? Idk how callous you have to be to describe in detail (her exact words and excerpts from the book are available online, I dont feel like repeating it here) how you murdered your pets?? idk how insane you have to be to even publicly admit something like that??

Paris Hilton- Pushya Moon conjunct Rahu

Paris is notorious for how she prefers teacup sized dogs and for anybody who does not know, when animals are specially bred to be an unnaturally small size (bc people think small dogs are "cute") they really struggle with their health a lot bc their bodies are too small to hold all their organs and they struggle with respiratory issues along with being more susceptible to diseases and having weaker immunity. Breeding dogs is absolutely inhumane and cruel. imagine saying you want a cute tiny dog when being that small means that dog lives a much shorter life and a much more arduous one as well?

But Paris isn't just guilty of this but is notorious for neglecting her pets. Los Angeles Animal Services finally interfered after rumours that staff had found a dead puppy in one of Paris’ closets. This was one of Paris’ ways of handling dogs when she got annoyed: lock them away in a different area of the house and then forget about them.

After her documentary came about, many have also accused Paris of being a neglectful mother. Her own sister, Nicky Hilton once said that Paris was too selfish to be a mother and unfortunately 😬it sort of looks like its true? Paris basically left her newborn baby with his nannies and complained about having to "work a lot" when the truth is she's a multimillionaire who can afford to take time off to bond with her newborn?? she treats her babies like props to pose with. if you watch the show you'll know what I mean. her whole attitude and demeanour made it seem like she did not gaf about her kid. She also very callously said she was doing egg retrieval over and over because she wanted a girl and kept getting boys?? idk what happened to the other embryos but its a bit icky to admit that you kind of have a designer baby? On the show, her son was supposed to get circumcised and she says she doesn’t want to be there because it’s too painful for her. How painful is it going to be for your baby?!

On the same show, she also said casually that five of her dogs got ate by coyotes on different occasions? and she cloned two of her deceased dogs??

Shane Dawson, Pushya Sun, Mars in UBP

Shane is a sociopathic asshole in general but in 2015 on a podcast, he, in very graphic detail, explained how he inserted his penis into his cat and then ejaculated onto it as well. His exact words were, "One time I laid my cat down on her back...I moved her little chicken legs spread open or whatever," "I came all over the cat. It was like my first sexual experience...I was also like 19." After this was brought back up in March 2019, he then tweeted saying “I didn’t fuck my cat. I didn’t cum on my cat. I didn’t put my dick anywhere near my cat. I’ve never done anything weird with my cats.” 🤮🤢🤮🤢

Mitt Romney, Anuradha Moon, Jupiter & Ketu

He infamously tied his pet dog in a kennel to the roof of his car for a cross-country trip.

Ted Bundy, Anuradha Sun

Serial killers usually abuse animals as children and there have been studies that link animal cruelty to future psychopathic behaviour. Ted used to abuse the neighbourhood dogs. He shot one neighbour's dog because according to him, the dog was an "evil force" that compelled him to kill. Bundy used to watch as his own father tortured animals.

Angelina Jolie, Pushya Rising

I used to suspect her of being Punarvasu Rising but I came across a 90s interview where she admits to abusing her pets which makes me think she is indeed Pushya Rising lol

"I had a dog and I ended up beating him, and he got sick and... I've hurt so many—I am just not a good animal person... I had a rabbit that died, too... a cage fell on him..."That happened when she was six. But then I had a hamster... I took him in the shower. He died of pneumonia. I had a bunch of little lizards. My friend left them in the sun, and I came back and they were just... my snake, I tried to kill."

Another thing I've noticed with Saturnian men is how they usually scam their way to the top? Deceit, duplicity, being a con artist and a scammer are also common among Saturnian men (Andrew Tate included). They have vv right wing views, especially regarding women and they're also entirely dishonest?

Lance Armstrong, Jupiter in Anuradha in 1h

He was stripped of his tour de france titles after it was revealed that he used performance-enhancing drugs and cheated on his doping tests??

Emily Ratajkowski, UBP Moon & Pushya Stellium (Venus, Mars & Jupiter)

Her bikini wear brand Inamorata has come under fire for not shipping any of their orders?? last year lol. Her brand has also been criticized for selling poor quality bikinis that are tacky and garish

Jennifer Lopez, Pushya Sun, Mercury & Rising

Apart from the fact that J Lo does not sing her own songs and has essentially scammed her way to the top, her numerous business ventures over the years including her Sephora skincare line, Kohl's clothing line etc have all been absolutely horrible, even her perfumes are apparently terrible lol

Anna Delvey has Jupiter & Ketu in Pushya

She is an infamous con artist and fraudster who posed as a wealthy heiress to access upper-class New York social and art scenes from 2013 to 2017.

Back to the theme of Saturnians being abusive, here are some more examples:

Colleen Ballinger, Anuradha Sun

She was accused of grooming her underage fans and being creepy to them and she responded to that with a ukulele song? Her ex-husband reacted to the weird apology saying "This behaviour was my reality anytime I spoke up & disagreed with her actions & rhetoric during 2009-2016. I was gaslit too. I was made to feel like I was always the problem. Any pain I felt was an inconvenience and was belittled. Every ounce of what you’re feeling, I understand."

As someone who used to watch them in the early 2010s (I feel super old) I know for a fact that Colleen was a major asshole to Josh (her ex husband) and always acted like, since she was more successful than him, she had the "upper hand". She's a toxic narcissist and I hated the way she treated all the people in her life like they're all her glorified assistants or something ugh

David Dobrik, Pushya Sun, Saturn in UBP

If you've watched any of his content, you do know that he uses people around him for "vlog content" and often does really crass, distasteful, offensive, weird, inappropriate shit to his friends for clout? he was rightfully accused of setting up the stage for one of his friends to sexually abuse a minor

Russell Brand, UBP Moon

He has been accused or rape, sexual assault and emotional abuse by 4 women

He's like the spiritual hippie avatar of a toxic alpha chad and he used to be heavily involved in the Ra Ma Yoga place that was essentially a cult

Haile Selassie, Anuradha Moon

This is a more extreme example of men (and women) worshipping a Saturn man, in this case quite literally. Haile Selassie was the emperor of Ethiopia. In the 1930s when he initially became emperor, Rastafarianism emerged in Jamaica and Rastafaris believed that Haile was the second coming of Christ and is perceived as a prophet.

Sri Sathya Sai Baba, Anuradha Stellium (Sun, Mercury, Venus & Saturn)

Sai Baba was a guru who was revered by his followers and literally thought of as God. however, he was embroiled in several scandals in his lifetime including child molestation. Its really hard to dig up info about Indian gurus because they started doing their stuff in the pre-internet era and because its really easy to get away with virtually any kind of abuse under the guise of religion and spirituality in India.

Another guru with major Saturnian energy was Anandamayi Ma who had UBP Rising.

There will be a part 2, where I'll explore more about Saturnian energies and how it manifests in women etc<3 But I hope this post was interesting <3

#saturn #anuradha #uttara bhadrapada #pushya #vedic astro notes #astrology notes #sidereal astrology #nakshatras #astrology #astroblr #astro notes #vedic astrology #astro observations #astrology observations

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cillianmesoftlyyy · 6 months ago

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Moth to the Flame Pt. 2 | Dr. Crane x Reader

summary: Dr. Jonathan Crane isn't the only 'crazy' in Gotham City and he's about to meet his match. When confronted with an unpleasant secret from his past, he's skeptical to trust the strange young woman who calls herself Victoria Vale, the rightful heiress to Arkham Asylum (and maybe his downfall).

warnings: mentions of attempted suic*de and an insanity plea (follows the plot from the movie Batman Begins).

A/N: I really enjoy using the original DC comic lore so if you've been following me for a while, you'll recognize the backstories in this but I've tried to make a completely different plot line.

Choke- I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME 🎶

A few days pass but they feel like weeks. You’re expecting Dr. Jonathan Crane at the precinct to conduct Falcone’s psychological examination, and shift impatiently in your seat. You check your watch routinely, having assumed Crane would be a very punctual person and arrive right at 4:00. And you’re right.

Crane saunters down the hallway like a black cat, his dark hair combed back against his head and his glasses perched perfectly on his button-like nose. You stand as you see him, pushing your chair back from your desk. You step out to meet him, keeping one hand securely on your hip to ensure your gun stays there and doesn’t get picked up by this handsome criminal mind. Dr. Crane smirks softly when he sees you and gives you a curt nod.

“Detective Vale,” he greets you and sticks out his hand. You give a professional nod back and shake his offered hand, surprised to find it so warm.

“Dr. Crane, thank you for coming on such short notice. One of the men we have detained in the precinct attempted last night, I’m sure you understand that we have to follow protocol- get him checked out before his trial in case there’s a more serious issue here.” You explain, knowing Crane can see right through you and your speech (just a matter of routine).

“I’m always… happy,” he takes a breath, “to help law enforcement when I can.” The smile he gives is false, a lie, but one that you share. You nod and open your mouth to speak again when you hear Rachel Dawes’ voice splinter the conversation.

“What’s he doing here?” Dawes stands beside you, crossing her arms over her chest in her crisp suit. You watch Crane suppress a scowl as he sees Dawes appear in front of him in her annoyingly professional suit. Though he’d be lying if he didn’t admit to having a thing for powerful women.

“Ah, Miss Dawes. To what do I owe this… pleasure?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Dawes retorts, her nose scrunched in distaste.

“Dr. Crane is conducting a psychological examination on Falcone for the department,” you turn to Dawes, putting your hands casually into the pockets of your pants.

“Is he? Then perhaps he can also explain why so many of Falcone’s men end up in Arkham because of his diagnosis.”

Crane holds back a sigh and gives his best charming smile. “Miss Dawes, I’m simply giving professional diagnoses and my most honest clinical opinions about each of Falcone’s men. They end up in Arkham because that is where they belong. That’s hardly my fault, if criminals have a certain association with the insane.” Dawes begins to level a threat at Crane when you cut in.

“Rachel, we’re going to get him on this one, I promise you. I’m going to oversee the examination with Dr. Crane.” You speak softly to Rachel, meeting her dark brown eyes.

“Well I’m glad you're overseeing it, some people need it,” she glances over at Crane who looks back without speaking. You look between them before clearing your throat softly.

“Let me know what the results are, Victoria. The judge wants to meet with Falcone on Monday,” Dawes directs her words to you and then turns to Crane again. “Falcone has no history of psychiatric problems. He got a hold of a blade and claims he wanted to hurt himself. I think he’s faking it.”

Crane nods once, still cool and clinical despite the unspoken accusations launched at him. “We’ll see.”

Dawes and Crane scowl at each other before you nod once again and gesture down the hallway.

“I’ll be there to watch, Rachel, and I’ll let you know what the decision is. We all want a conviction as much as you do.” Your words sound truthful and sincere. Rachel’s pager buzzes and she looks down at it, frowning. She turns and nods at you in thanks before walking away, her black stiletto heels clicking angrily. You look again at Crane whose eyes are already on you, examining you silently.

“Very interesting…” he says coolly. You raise an eyebrow and cross your arms over your chest.

“How’s that?”

“It’s interesting how you interact with her. You deal with her so casually.”

“I have many talents,” you answer distractedly and turn down the hallway, beckoning him to follow, “shall we?”

“Lead the way, Miss Vale.” His voice feels close to your neck, prickly and hot like a hand. You close your eyes for a moment and sigh, allowing yourself to dissolve in the riptide of his voice. Then you’re back, you glance around to make sure that no one has seen your “friendly” interaction and continue walking, your steps wide apart and fast. Crane follows easily behind, his gaze unfazed and silent. You stop in front of one of the soundproof interrogation rooms in the precinct where Falcone has already been placed. You step inside, Crane just behind you, and close the door, locking it and pulling the blinds.

Falcone is sitting at the table with his wrists cuffed, though there are thick bandages between the steel and his skin. He has a cigarette placed between his purplish mouth that reeks of sour milk. He raises a bushy eyebrow when he sees Crane and looks between you, unimpressed.

“Geez doc, I gotta get help. The voices… blah blah blah,” Falcone looks around for a lighter and then turns his eyes up to Crane’s. “Got a light?”

Crane’s jaw clenches and he sighs deeply through his nose before he pulls the lighter from his breast pocket. He flips open the cap with his thumb in one swift movement and leans over the table to light Falcone’s cigarette. You watch as this moment passes between the men, your eyes following the silver lighter as it returns to Crane’s pocket. When Falcone leans back in his chair, his cigarette lit, that’s when Crane finally speaks.

“Now Mr. Falcone, I’m going to ask you a few questions. Answer… honestly,” Crane clears his throat and sits at the table, opening a file folder of Falcone’s medical records.

“Sure, great,” Falcone mutters and looks at you, narrowing his eyes. “Are you staying? Is she gonna stay?” He turns back to Crane who looks up at him, frowning.

You regard Falcone coolly and nod once. “I’m here to observe.”

“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to get started, Mr. Falcone,” Crane cuts in, his patience thinning quickly. Falcone grumbles and nods, waving his chained hands to prompt Crane to continue. Crane takes another file from his briefcase and opens it on the table. You can sense Falcone starting to get irritated, Crane’s lips pull into a small smile.

“I was just looking into your medical record. You’ve got a bit of a history with drug use, don’t you, Mister Falcone?”

Falcone looks over at you for help, confused by Crane’s line of questioning. You shrug and remain silent, your arms crossed over your chest. Falcone thinks for a moment before answering.

“Oh… yeah. Meds and stuff.”

“And stuff? In your file it says that you’re taking a prescription for a severe anxiety disorder. Is that true?” Crane raises an eyebrow, a plan brewing behind his blue eyes. One that neither you nor Falcone can predict.

“Say, doc, what kind of question is that? You’re supposed to declare me insane and get me out of here. We had a deal.” Falcone’s tone is low and sounds slightly scared but he tries not to let it show.

Crane pauses for a moment, the statement hangs in the air like a cloud of smoke. You look between Crane and Falcone, your curiosity piqued. Crane maintains a clinical tone as he continues slowly as if he were talking to a child, “I know we had a deal, Mr. Falcone. Our deal was that I’d keep you out of jail, not out of my line of questioning…” Crane smiles, his heart beats faster with adrenaline, “I’m curious. Are you taking any anxiety medication?”

“Sure, of course…” Falcone stutters and furrows his eyebrows. “I take all that stuff. I’m crazy…”

You can feel the tension in the room build, and it sets your teeth on edge. You try to keep your focus on Falcone but the dull throbbing between your legs reverberates whenever Crane speaks. He reaches into his briefcase and removes a vial containing one singular pill.

“This is an anti-anxiety pill. Quite powerful, actually. Do you know the name of this medication, Mr. Falcone?”

Falcone’s face is a bright red now and he strains against his handcuffs. You regard Crane curiously, asking yourself why he’s asking all these strange questions. Why not just declare him insane and let that be the end of it? Crane feels a deep sense of satisfaction as he watches Falcone struggle, and you notice it evidently on his face and the way he holds his body, taut like a coiled wire.

“Well? I asked you a question, I do expect an answer. I’m not going to declare you insane until I know for certain that you’re not faking. So, what is the name of this anti-anxiety medication?”

"I... I don't know! Why are you asking me all of these questions? Just declare me insane already!” Falcone lowers his voice, “You know damn well I don't take any of that..."

Crane sighs deeply and puts the vial back into his briefcase. He clasps his hands together, pleased. He smiles menacingly and lowers his voice too.

“Here’s the thing, Mr. Falcone- that pill I was holding? It’s not anti-anxiety medication…”

When he says that you turn, your brow furrows. Where is he going with this? Falcone rolls his eyes and stubs out his cigarette angrily.

“You see, this medication isn’t used to treat anxiety. This medication is a powerful hallucinogenic, an extremely potent, mind-altering drug. It’s my most recent concoction, a fear toxin.”

Falcone freezes and narrows his eyes at Crane. You feel yourself match Crane’s smile, a knowing excitement creeps into your body, your fingers flex. When he sees Falcone start to struggle even more, Crane’s smile widens. Falcone goes white and begins to panic, resorting to a feeble attempt at blackmail.

"I'll tell everyone that I was working for you. I'll testify. I don't know what kind of drug you had us moving but I know it was something dangerous!”

Crane lets out a small, humorless laugh and leans back in the thin plastic chair, his eyes never leaving Falcone.

“How? You don’t know anything. And even if you did, who would believe you? You’re a delusional psychotic criminal with hallucinations. No one’s going to believe you if you tell them you’ve been moving drugs for me.”

“Get me away from this madman! I’m not fucking crazy!” Falcone shouts at you, pulling at his cuffs. You stare back, a small smirk pulling at your lips.

“Not yet, but you will be. You see, if you want people to believe that you’re crazy, wouldn’t it just be easier to be crazy?”

“What-what are you implying?” Falcone tries to push away from the table but the chains binding his feet prevent him from making it very far. Crane smiles and looks at you, his gaze giving you permission to contribute.

“Mr. Falcone, I’d suggest that you shut your mouth before you say anything else you’ll regret. You’re in no position to make threats here.” You lean forward, your palms fisted on the table. Falcone looks between you and nods slowly, a slimy smile appearing slowly on his lips.

“Oh, I see. You’re working together, aren’t you?” Falcone laughs.

Crane’s smile drops and he turns back to Falcone, his steel gaze sharp enough to slice right through the mobster.

“It seems we’ve reached an impasse, Detective Vale.” Crane’s voice is rougher now, more sadistic. Your whole body shivers, your cunt throbs with morbid excitement.

“Might I make a suggestion, Dr. Crane?” You cross your arms over your chest and rock back and forth on your heels. Crane looks you up and down briefly, discreetly. You can tell by the way he’s looking at you that he likes how your body looks in your dark slacks and a green blouse.

Don’t get too distracted, Crane.

Crane’s struggling to control his breathing as he watches you, his eyes lingering on the way your body moves. He tears his gaze away from you as he answers.

“A suggestion? And what might that be, Detective Vale?”

“Well if he isn't going to be able to convince anyone that he's as 'crazy' as he says he is, maybe we should help him out. Make it more believable…” You shrug, your voice light and misleading. Falcone looks between you, his eyes wide as he tries to understand what you mean. Perspiration dots his forehead but he doesn’t wipe it away.

Crane raises an eyebrow at your proposal but his eyes remain on Falcone, shaking in the seat across the table from him. There’s a dangerous tone in his voice as he murmurs.

“And how exactly do you propose we do that?”

“Don't you have anything else in that briefcase of yours? Maybe something that could make him a little more... convincing?” You tilt your head towards the open briefcase, your eyes saying more than your words. Crane looks over at you, he swallows and nods, another soft smile on his face. He glances down at his briefcase and a slight shiver of excitement passes through him. Crane glances over at Falcone and feels a cruel grin spread across his face as he realizes what you’re implying.

It’s like you’ve given him permission. You don’t need to tell him twice. Crane removes his glasses with a sigh and folds them neatly on the table beside him. Falcone watches him warily, his eyes dropping to the glasses then back up to Crane.

“As a matter of fact, I do have something else that would… help.” He slowly reaches into the briefcase and pulls out the burlap mask, his hands holding it with an almost reverent excitement. “Would you like to see my mask?”

Falcone doesn't even respond. He's gone silent and dumb with fear. In his lack of words, You smile kindly at the man, giving him a false sense of safety.

“He uses it for his experiments, you know. It's probably not very scary to someone like you but to the crazies in Arkham… they can't stand it,” you trail off, backing away in preparation for whatever the hell Crane is about to do.

Crane’s voice remains low as he leans forward, the mask still gripped in his fist.

“But for you, Falcone? This isn’t just something to fear. For you… it’s going to be a nightmare.”Falcone struggles in his plastic seat, the chains shaking and clattering against each other as he tries to escape. You release a euphoric sigh as Crane pulls on the mask and gestures to the front of its burlap facade.

His voice is no longer gentle, no longer friendly, no longer even remotely human as he continues to speak, “You’re going to spend the rest of your life in Arkham, Falcone. That’s a promise.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth his finger presses a button inside his briefcase, releasing a narrow cloud of fear toxin. It hits Falcone squarely in the face, his eyes bulge and lose their focus as some horrible nightmare overcomes him. Crane’s mask morphs into a real scarecrow, something uncanny and deranged. Falcone screams and Crane laughs, rising up from his seat and letting his palms rest on the table.

“I did warn you, didn’t I, Falcone?”

His voice is barely audible over Falcone’s frantic screams. Crane rips off his mask, smiling contently. His hair is tousled and crazy about his head, your thighs throb. He looks over at you and you nod back, only allowing him a smirk.

“He certainly isn't going to testify now. Dawes won't be able to argue with you either.” He looks more psychotic without the silver glasses that you’re so familiar with seeing. There’s almost a ring of red in his eyes. “Impressive, Dr. Crane.”

Crane tosses the mask aside and runs a hand through his hair as he tries to catch his breath. His face is flushed with excitement and adrenaline, and he can’t help but smile wider at you, the adrenaline making him bold.

“Thank you, Miss Vale,” he chuckles and shakes his head, looking back at Falcone, “That went well, didn’t it?”

You both look back at the screaming Falcone, smiles on your faces. A match made in hell, you and him.

“I'd stay and savor this moment with you but people will get suspicious. I'll go and arrange for his transfer to Arkham but first I need you to tell me that he's not faking it and that we need to move him to a secure wing in Arkham for treatment. I just need to hear you say it, legality,” you wave your hand about your face briefly. Crane raises a surprised brow.

“You pick and choose the laws you follow now? How interesting,” Crane says in a soft sarcastic manner, his eyes still wide with pleasure.

“Technically you are the expert and we brought you in here to diagnose Falcone…” you roll your eyes playfully.

“Fine,” he takes a deep breath which is more attractive than you’d like to admit, “No, he’s definitely not faking. I believe he’s actively having a psychotic episode and will be in no position to testify. I recommend moving him to a secure wing at Arkham Asylum immediately. He’s a danger to himself and others.”

“Thank you, Dr. Crane,” you smile and turn towards the door.

“So what? I do this favor for you, Miss Vale and then you leave me alone with the deranged?” Crane chuckles and puts on his glasses, looking you up and down. Your hand is on the doorknob but you turn and regard him, a sly smile on your face.

“I thought you liked being around the deranged…”

Crane raises an eyebrow back and turns his back on Falcone who continues to scream in the background. Crane’s nice dark gray suit shifts as he shifts.

“And what does that mean for you?”

“You’re the psychologist, not me,” you whisper back and open the door. The door closes sharply behind you but not before Falcone’s screams can be heard echoing down the hallway. You pull an officer aside.

“Tell Prosecutor Rachel Dawes that Falcone needs to be moved to Arckham. It’s true, he’s insane too. He’ll need to be moved immediately, he’s already becoming violent. Dr. Crane is completing the paperwork and I’ll see to the transfer myself.”

…

It is late at night when you finally finish Falcone’s transfer. You had shed your quilted jacket days before because Gotham City was in the middle of a miniature heat-spike after weeks of cold, damp weather. You check your watch and look off into the city skyline, thinking. You had followed Crane for weeks before you decided to speak to him, so you know his schedule just as well as your own. He would be in his lab at the university, working on his own projects in the secrecy of the night. His students would never know what their strange professor was up to. You make a rash decision and change directions, your feet taking you a few blocks to the left, to Gotham University.

Gotham University was not the type of institution that most students strive for but it still offered a good education for those who could pay. The buildings on campus were all dark and gothic, like orphanages set against a city scene. Students walking home from the library walk past you, speaking softly to one another. Some mention Professor Crane, some don’t.

The science building is silent and empty when you break in, using the door with the broken sensor (your doing). You find Crane’s lab on the third floor, the only source of light in the dark hallway. You go to the door and open it slowly, silently. Crane has his back to you as he makes notes in a notebook with a red pen. He’s wearing a white lab coat that nearly makes his shoulders look broader, stronger. You stand by the door, watching, and waiting to see how long it takes until he notices you’re there. You pull the string that closes the blinds with a soft snap.

“Don’t you know it’s rude to stare?” Crane's voice rises from the opposite side of the room. Your eyes widen only slightly in surprise, but then you smile and approach his lab table slowly, eyeing him up and down. His gray-blue eyes remain fixed on his work.

“Did I frighten you?”

“Oh no, I’m not scared of anything, remember?” Crane retorts with a distracted smirk as he finishes writing a line in his notes. When he finishes he finally turns and leans against the lab table, looking you up and down. “So, what are you doing here, Miss Vale? Why’d you close the blinds?” His smirk widens, the fact that you’re both completely alone excites him. He nearly shivers.

“No one can know that I was here. I'm sure Dawes is already suspicious of me because I 'oversaw' your evaluation and approved the transfer when the three of us all know he was fine when we walked into the examination room the first time.” You smile and mirror his posture.

“Mmm yes, I’m sure Dawes has already had a few choice words with you,” Crane nods and looks up, remembering the exchange the three of you had earlier at the precinct: two smart, powerful women in one room, amazing.

“I can handle her, don’t worry.”

Crane looks back at you and shakes his head, “Oh I don’t doubt it. You’re a highly intelligent woman, I’m sure Dawes doesn’t pose much of a problem for you.”

You smile, flattered though you don’t need Crane to tell you what you already know. You ignore the way Crane’s eyes continue to trace the length of your body, imagining what he’d find beneath your blouse…

“No, but I'm concerned that she'll prove to be a bigger problem the more she finds out. Which is why I'm in charge of the case... or at least until she kicks me off. I'll make sure she doesn't learn too much about the 'operation' you're running here. But I need something from you first.”

“And what do you need from me, Miss Vale?” Crane’s voice is low, husky, and short, like the response was second nature.

You look him up and down, a smile growing on your lips. You can tell that he wants you and it's exhilarating to be wanted by such an attractive man... but first, you need information from him. It must be so frustrating for him but hey, that's life. You walk around the lab table and put your hands over his, gripping the edge of the table. You lean forward only slightly, leaving some distance between your bodies.

“Tell me about your plans for Gotham, Crane.”

His jaw clenches but he keeps his voice calm, composed, and his eyes evade yours. “What do you want to know?”

“If I'm going to be an equal partner in this, I need to know what you've been doing with Falcone and his men.” You look down at his lips as you speak.

Crane’s breathing gets heavier, more ragged. His eyes are still avoiding yours, but he knows exactly where your gaze is fixated.

“I know that Falcone has been moving shipments of your fear toxin into Arkham and I noticed that the military’s microwave emitter happened to go missing recently. Did you have anything to do with that, Crane?”

Crane can smell your pheromones like perfume and he stifles a frustrated sigh. He rolls his eyes and shrugs slowly.

“Perhaps.”

“You could have made Falcone take the fear toxin pills you had in the box but you didn’t. You used a different form, gas. The microwave emitter vaporizes water… Your fear toxin doesn’t work in water, does it? It’s water soluble. It needs to be in a gas or powder form, correct?”

“You’re clever, pet.” Crane smirks and moves his hands away from yours to cross against his chest. “But the pill I showed to Falcone was just a sugar pill, a placebo. Here’s a little lesson in Psychology: the body’s sense of smell is the fastest to recalibrate. By putting the toxin into gas form, the subject inhales it and reacts much faster. It’s all about speed. Water washes the toxin out.”

“So the microwave emitter?” You prompt him to continue.

“Yes, you’re right. If it works, it will dry up the main water line on the island, then I can release the toxin into the air… Every man, woman, and child in Gotham city would be paralyzed with fear.”

You let your lips inch closer, exhaling against his lips. Crane almost believes that you’ll kiss him until you pull away at the last moment and smirk.

“I’ve read everything you’ve ever written about the chemical components of fear. I’ve tried recreating your ‘recipes’,” you look back at the experiments on the table, “but I can’t get the same results. There’s something important missing from your original research isn’t there? What’s the final ingredient? It has to be exotic, something you could only recently get access to. Maybe you met someone with connections. Someone who also read your research and offered to fund your project….”

Crane is still recovering from your little trick and sighs tightly, impatiently. He looks up at the ceiling, the fluorescent lighting reflecting off of his glasses. “Is that right?”

You hum once in confirmation and reach your hand out beside his left arm, brushing his sleeve. He keeps his gaze averted, still pissed that you teased him. While he pouts, you pick up a small petri dish from the lab table. A bright blue flower is preserved inside.

“Blue poppies?”

Crane raises an eyebrow, finally looking down at you. He wets his lips and sighs, rearranging his arms to rest over his chest.

“You can recognize obscure botanicals now?” He nearly snaps. You flick your eyes up to his, meeting his icy gaze.

“That was a lucky guess.” You shrug and smile, “I’ve only read about these. So how did you get these? Who are you working for?”

Crane’s body reacts strangely to your smile, his navel warms. Your smile is so wrong… he loves it. He’s still slightly wary of your skills of deduction. He looks down at the petri dish for a moment, his mind trying to get back on track before he answers your question.

“I came into contact with someone who has strong connections. He’s agreed to fund my research and supply me with all the necessary equipment and ingredients.”

“Who?” You ask with a little less patience. Crane enjoys witnessing one of your rare moments of impatience and smiles, getting the upper-hand. Crane’s smile only widens as he leans back against the edge of the lab table again, his hands gripping the edge in a white-knuckled grip to keep his body in check.”

“Oh, I’m sure you know him… He’s quite the controversial figure….”

You lick your lips and you try to think. Surely it wasn’t Bruce Wayne- Crane would never work with him. Not Falcone. Not Gordon. What criminal would have both the money and power to operate something like this. Someone in the League of Shadows?

Crane’s eyes focus on the way your tongue moves across your lips. His mouth waters and he feels himself start to get hard. Instead of shying away, he steps closer, one of his hands fixing the bridge of his glasses.

“I’m honestly impressed you haven’t figured it out yet…” he tuts patronizingly.

“Are you going to tell me or are you going to make me figure it out myself?”

Crane laughs and shakes his head.

“Oh, this is just too good. You’re clearly bothered by the fact that you don’t have a name yet, Miss Vale.” He leans closer to you, his head tilting to the side as he continues in a low voice, “I wonder what you’ll do to get me to answer your question…”

You scowl, Crane getting on your nerves now. You push him back gently with a few clicks of your tongue against the roof of your mouth. “It hasn’t come to that yet, Crane.” You think for a few more moments and then something you read randomly comes to you, “the blue poppies grow in South Asia… Bhutan.”

“Ding ding ding, good girl. The blue poppies are indigenous to South Asia.”

“There’s only one man that I know of from Bhutan, he has a warrant out for his arrest in multiple different countries… Ra’s Al Ghul.”

Crane’s smile widens into a crazy grin. He claps softly and then takes the petri desk back from you. “Correct.”

“Does Al Ghul know you plan to lead Gotham when it’s all said and done?”

Crane nods slowly, looking away for a moment, his lips pursed. “He believes that my methods are necessary in order to bring about the change that the city needs. We already agreed that I will have control of Gotham when my plan is successful.”

“Then what’s in it for him, Crane?” You ask with a raised eyebrow.

He steps even closer to you, until there are only a few inches of space left between you. His voice is lower now as he continues to speak to you.

“He gets to auction off the city back to the government, he gets the money, I get the power. Oh, I’ve also promised him a certain number of…let’s say…highly skilled individuals for his cause.”

“People you’ve locked up in Arkham?” You clarify, thinking it all through.

Crane nods and turns back to his research, his hand moving once again to the pen to write something down, putting his arousal to the side for a moment. Work will always come first to a man like Dr. Jonathan Crane.

“Do you trust him?”

Crane looks at you, surprised by your obvious question. He scoffs finally and turns back to face you. “No, I don’t trust him. But I see our partnership as a mutually beneficial arrangement. And honestly, I wouldn’t be able to continue my research at the same rate without his financial support and his access to the poppies.”

“Something about him gives me a bad feeling…” you mutter, crossing your arms beneath your breasts and tucking your head slightly to think.

Crane tilts his head to the side in curiosity, as if he’s studying you. “Why do you say that?”

You shake your head and furrow your brow. “I don’t have a reason exactly except that it’s just an instinct. Something tells me not to trust him.”

Crane clenches his jaw slightly and his eyes harden as he starts to take you seriously. He raps his fingers against his elbow and lowers his voice slightly, almost like he’s trying to be kind.

“When have your instincts ever been wrong, Miss Vale?”

You look up at him and shake your head finally, confident. “Never.”

Crane takes a final step closer to you, his chest nearly touching yours now. He can’t help himself from being drawn even closer to you, like a magnet. His voice is even lower than before as he looks down at your face.

“So, what do your instincts tell you now, Miss Vale?”

You look up into his eyes, heavy with desire. You feel the same desire, the same unquenchable and animalistic urges. Your noses are nearly touching as you exhale softly against his lips. You swallow and then speak.

“This...”

________________________________________________

@m0thh3ad @sl-newsie @strangeobsessed @cillamity

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zan0tix · 8 months ago

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May I just say I really really appreciate your approach to and respect for the transfemininity embedded in Homestuck. Like the fact that you depict Jake as a kind of "genderfuck" (for lack of a better word) character without trying to divorce that from transfemininity as so many others do, as well as being able to depict Roxy with certain clocky characteristics without disregarding her femininity or making it feel fetish-y, is all really admirable in my eyes. It gets extremely frustrating seeing large swathes of the fandom constantly trying to separate the story of Homestuck from transfemininity despite it having a transfem enby author, so I really appreciate that you don't shy away from it in your art :)

I am so glad!!!!! Its something ive Always noticed in like every fandom since i first got onto the internet the disparity between the amount of transfems i knew vs how often their story got to be uplifted in fandom spaces or get to be celebrated how transmascs did considering how queer dominated they are but then i grew up and realised how badly male centric queer spaces are too😭

Homestuck is one of the spaces that has a big amount of transfems openly engaging in fandom activities and that makes me really happy to see! since i often see gross rhetoric from transmascs or cis women about fandom spaces abt “who is allowed” and “fandom being a safe space” cough blatant transmisogyny (sobs everywhere its so bad)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PPL BRUSH PAST HUSSIE BEING TRANS SO OFTEN ISNT THAT INSANE. To me it reframes homestuck how the creators of the matrix being trans does. Like I dunno maybe that informed the works presentation of gender somehow. Maybe all the commentary and critique and displays of frustration at the contradictory nature of gender but especially trying to fit “being a man” in society came from somewhere when they were writing it 🤔🤔🤔 hussie said it herself that alot of homestuck was just stream of consciousness. Everything that comes out of daves mouth near the end seemed very plausible to be a reflection of hussies own journey realising that Actually these boundaries of what defines A Good Man and A Good Woman are ridiculous and no person can possibly live up to that no matter what were told from birth.

But i try my best to reflect the innate transfemininity of homestuck and the majority of its cast, its something integral to the works themes and just the community who built it! It saddens me how skittish other transmascs are about engaging with or portraying the transfeminine stories when its just. Practically textual. And all you need to do is Listen and empathise. I love learning how other feminine people see themselves in this story like how often do you get such a menagerie of in depth fem characters. And i love seeing what the experiences transfems see echoed in homestuck are because its all such insightful stuff About femininity and its beauty and its ills all at once. Roxy..kanaya.. wipes tear from my eye.

I want to actively include and celebrate transfem features and bodies as much as transmasc ones get to be around here and i am glad my jake and roxy do feel that way 🥹🥹 my aim with my designs is to make them feel like some everyday people youd see, no fetishisation/sexualisation or demonisation, just Existing and appreciating. Because i know how much it can mean to see yourself in something and for that to be treated with care and kindness. Its why i create in the first place! Because of how others creations gave me that comfort when i couldnt find it elsewhere

I feel similarly about how people portray fat women or just like. Women in general. its sad how badly the whole sexualisation = acceptance warps how people portray things fatness or transfem features. Never ever saying these things arent hot or sexy or to be appreciated. Duh. I think how i portray jake says enough abt what i think of that LOL just that It feels like its the only way people try and show theyre accepting? Which just feels so gross and dehumanising the only way they think to display they feel empathy is through saying “Yeah i can get off to people like you”😭

Rlly bad in society in general so also in the homestuck space. Worlds hardest challenge is liking the alpha kids. Im so sorry for what they do to you jane and roxy🥲🥲🥲 Its baffling because Homestuck is Prime Example Numero Uno of how to humanise characters. Just display them being people; their thoughts, their feelings, their insecurities, their passions, their woes, their loves, their losses. So much can be communicated through how a character speaks with their friends.

I wana do that for jake and roxy! They get to be dimensional too! I like showing their laughs and their sorrows, just them Existing with the people around them. They get to be a part of the lighthearted comedy just as the rest of them do. They get to be a part of all the gender and sexuality insanity going on in their friend group, can point out their flaws and mistakes and insecurities. I dunno its rlly not that hard to just empathise with them and want to tell their stories.

I am so invested in the raw unabashed Humanity of homestuck. Its just one person pouring their brain contents into this huge thing and it displays the best and the worst and the absurdity and the questions. Its so interesting and hussies transness IS JUST BAKED INTO IT. Thus the characters contain that too and it kinda stinks of transmisogyny to throw that out!

YAPPING TOO MUCH OMG but i rlly appreciate this ask🫶🫶🫶makes me so happy to hear

#I understand hussie in their notes so badly. you cna go on endless tangents about literally anyrhing with homestuck #i could probably make a podcast thatd go forever because i can never run out of shit to say about this thing #homestuck #daniel talks #jake english #roxy lalonde

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teighveepao · 26 days ago

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i love my wife @skibidibabygirl so heres 100 reasons why shes one of the people i hold closest to my heart 🫶

1. She's funny and never fails to make me laugh

2. She's able to understand my issues instead of judging them

3. She's been able to grow tremendously as a person throughout our time together

4. She works harder to improve her art than anybody else I know

5. She has the prettiest laugh I've ever heard

6. She doesn't back down easily

7. Her morals

8. She respects all my boundaries, even if they're stupid

9. She's accepting of me and my identity

10. She shares a lot of the same interests as me

11. She was always the most supportive person for me while I started posting on tumblr

12. She isn't afraid to be vulnerable with me

13. She watches/reads a lot of the media I recommend to her

14. Her sense of style

15. She appreciates my bluntness and straightforward attitude

16. She's so friendly to everyone

17. She acknowledges when shes wrong and always works on improving herself

18. She's able to call me out when I'm wrong

19. She's always supportive in whatever I choose to do

20. She started stanning twice for me

21. We share the same political views

22. She makes me so many gifts and I appreciate each and every one of them

23. She doesn't pry into my personal issues if I don't want to talk about it

24. She listens

25. She's the most adorable sweetheart

26. She compliments my appearance each facetime

27. We were able to get comfortable with eachother not even 10 minutes after meeting

28. She's never judged me for my narcissism

29. I wish I could hold her hand and walk through parks with her

30. We share the same love for women

31. She doesnt hesitate to give me space if I need it

32. She's always been the most supportive while I've been learning to draw

33. There's no such thing as "tmi" in our friendship

34. She knows she can always go to me for help

35. She just genuinely has a beautiful soul

36. She likes matching pfps with me

37. She somehow always knows the best things to say when I'm upset

38. I'm proud of her and how much shes grown as a person

39. We tell eachother everything

40. She tried convincing her mom to let her come visit me

41. She is legitimately such a gifted young artist

42. Her hair is so shiney and pretty

43. She takes the time to understand my personal views

44. We're lowk gossipy mfs and we both love it

45. We share the same music taste

46. She can empathize with my issues, even if she doesnt understand them

47. She cares so much about animals

48. She's always been paojade's biggest fan

49. She understands most of my niche references

50. She's probably taking the time to read all of this. You're halfway through babe I believe in you

51. We both love physical touch and affection, even if we're in seperate countries and can't hug eachother

52. She doesnt boast or brag about things I dont have

53. She doesn't take it personally when I get really irritatable

54. She spends so much time calling me, its actually insane

55. Yuri enjoyers

56. We talk things out to solve them instead of ignoring issues

57. Her twice bias is Jeongyeon (green flag)

58. Updates me on tumblr and twitter drama

59. Works hard as a student

60. She isn't afraid of asking me if I'm upset at her and vise versa

61. Her skin is literally glowing. girls skincare is insane

62. She has this deep appreciation for beauty in everything

63. She's good with babies and little kids

64. Always does whatever she can to improve my mood whenever I'm upset

65. She understands boundaries and personal limits

66. She's always honest with me

67. She knows what I like and exactly how I want things

68. She drops whatever shes doing anytime i ask her if she wants to call

69. She matches my freak ♡

70. She's loyal

71. She's the optimism in my world of negativity

72. I admire her dedication to the things she loves

73. We have the same sense of humor and laugh at the same stuff

74. I feel loved unconditionally whenever I speak with her

75. I haven't gone 247 days without speaking to her once

76. I can always trust her with my secrets

77. Trey Clover and Floyd Leech hate.

78. She gets more excited for my special days than I do

79. Our cultures and backgrounds are so different, but she still acknowledges and appreciates mine

80. I enjoy being able to help her with her problems

81. We both love dogs more than cats (while also loving cats deeply)

82. We're like two puzzle pieces that were meant to fit together

83. She's just so gentle

84. I know I can trust her

85. We were both gacha kids during our childhoods

86. She's ready to go to war just to defend my name

87. She listens attentively to my rants about stuff she has no idea about

88. She's beautiful

89. She knows how to motivate me whenever im feeling down

90. We're somehow opposites and the exact same

91. She appreciates when i try to be helpful, even if it can come across as blunt and mean

92. I cherish every second I spend talking with her and laughing

93. She shows me the positives in my world of negatives

94. I know she's always there for me whenever I need her

95. She doesn't make me feel like I'm a bad person

96. I can't ever be mad at her for too long (which is something for me)

97. I only wish happiness and health upon her

98. She likes being my friend

99. She never gave up on us or our friendship

100. She is genuinely one of my closest friends that I love dearly

#i love isa #i dont think theres anyone else on tumblr who appreciates and loves isa like i do #shes one of my bestest friends ever

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chondrichthyes-x-mantodea · 2 months ago

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Personal views on adoption as a pro-adoption radfem (this one's a bit controversial)

I've just run into some radfem posts that voice disagreement with adoption. I have stated my support of adoption, so I figured I should make a post about my actual views in contrast to the views of those who are anti-adoption.

Let me start by saying the system is HEAVILY flawed. Kids are torn from families who do not have the means to meet legal standards for parental care. However... does that mean all adoption is a result of this happening? Let me share a story.

When I was hospitalized for mental distress, I met a young girl who was being adopted. She was 12-13 if I remember correctly. I dont want to say exactly what that poor girl had been through, but she NEEDED this. Her parents were unfit to care for her. In fact, she stated many times that for her age, it was rare to be adopted.

I would consider her adoption a necessary event. There are many other cases of this aswell, and they primarily affect young GIRLS. I knew a little girl who was adopted from China after being abandoned for her sex and a deformity. She got the basic medical care she needed because she was adopted into a family that saw past genetics.

So, while the adoption system can absolutely abuse families in unfortunate circumstances, is this a sign we need to abolish it or a sign we need to fix it?

And if you want to talk about exploitative, would you rather the system that allows unfortunate children the opportunity of family in a culture that already stigmatizes adopted children, or women go through the medical field in terms of fertility treatments and pregnancy?

I was a product of IVF. My disdain for this "treatment" knows no bounds. My conception was shrouded in difficulty. Difficulty that (surprise!) was blamed on the woman, not the man. Blamed on the younger, healthier woman who had already concieved a child rather than the overweight, 31 year old man missing sex organs. The woman was pumped with hormones to force ovulation to the point of ovarian cysts while the man just came in a cup, no questions asked. No hormones were given. No times he had to be on a table, legs spread while a male doctor treated him as a woman's breeder. By the way, those ovarian cysts were also ignored. And how were they fixed? More hormones. The female body to the medical system is like an electronic a male takes into the repair store. Turn her on and off, twist her screws, until she works for him. Even 20 years later, this guy can't even recall what his wife went through in order to have a child with him. The other day, we went past the pharmacy she had to get supplements from... he did not know what she meant by "I used to go there."

Would you rather women go through pregnancy in which they are an afterthought? Would you rather women continue to surrender themselves to the slaughterhouse we call "family planning", especially in a culture that insists on it. Which brings me to my next point.

Culture. If you think adoption has been normalized in our society, you haven't really looked around. The times I've heard infertile people (mostly women) whine and sob about how they can't be parents, and then outright refuse to consider adoption is insane. The amount they ADMIT that they don't think adopted kids are real kids is insane. Again, it's mostly women who argue this. They say that the love of a child they didn't carry isnt the same... as if carrying a child is some fun game. It is a result of the patriarchy enforcing an unrealistic view of female processes. It's almost fetishized. We view the process as a woman's pain for a mans entertainment. That is why it's so essential in our everyday lives. People are OBSESSED with the idea of a woman toiling for a mans comfort. In this case, his comfort is watching her gestate his fetus. That's also why women are told to put on a persona. Walk around with a fetus stealing your nutrients, parade your body around as a mans trophy, and lovingly cast eyes upon your stomach while posing like a fucking show horse. The heterosexual dynamic DEMANDS this. All of this, to me, tells me you shouldn't have kids. If a child needs to stem from your weird patriarchy fetish and obsession with genes, you shouldn't have kids at all. They're more of an asset than anything. I feel like this is the case for most purposeful conception in fact.

Finally, we have the treatment of "birth mothers." To preface, I am absolutely against women having children they WANT taken away from them. However, I think it's again important to look at the socialization of women and how our lack of mentioning men proves my point. Fitting in right with my part on social attitude, we see pregnancy and childbirth as an undeniable swelling of emotions. This is not the case for everyone. The goal of childbirth is to make it out alive, not to be rewarded a screaming red infant. Some parents want their child, and some don't. That is just how it goes, and we see this in the animal kingdom as well. Many social animals will adopt rejected infants and/or eggs. Humans are the ones who make this controversial. In the case of surrogacy and adoption, I always see people complain about the poor, instinct-infested woman. The issue is abusing the wants and needs of women, not daring to threaten the sanctity of new motherhood (another very specific fascination in our collective society). If this was about the emotions of said people, why don't we include the father? It's simple: women are made to feel guilty about adoption and delude themselves into performing an ultimate show of motherly love. Women are taught to romanticize the idea of being pregnant and unconditionally loving a fetus as soon as it's concieved. Men aren't.

Now again, I'm not saying that parents can not love their children at birth, nor am I advocating for children being forcefully taken. I'm more questioning the view of female intention within that love and the trend of singling out a woman. My point does have merit. Why do we act the way we do? Why do we see things the way we see? But every time I call out this type of behavior and question it, I'm treated as if I'm stomping on the pure joy of a tearful mother... whatever, I guess.

Even my mother, who went through IVF to have me with a man who pretends to worship her, said that she did not feel the same love she feels now. She thought she would when she went through treatment, she fell for the trap. We emphasize motherly love in such an inhuman way. It's not a genuine bond. I guess that's why I've always envied men. They stand on the side and seem to love children as a human connected to another human, undefined by unrealistic myths on their brain chemistry. Motherly love to me has to be theatrical and cheesy, based on my pain and suffering, not my human ability to form connection. Fathers get to HAVE children while I AM a mother.

So again, while adoption can be exploitative, you should also consider the other oppressing forces in our current lives. The issue isn't adoption. It's the attitude and people in charge of it. It's the conditioning of women to hurt themselves for giving up a child. Its the women being told lies about a process and viewing it as purely the making of another being, not their welfare. If this isn't an issue for men, maybe consider it's the fact we shove baby dolls in young girls' arms as soon as they themselves are born. Genuinely wanting a child is completely different from being told you should want it your whole life.

#radical feminism #radblr #radical feminist safe #radical feminists do interact #radical feminist community #radical feminst #terfsafe #terfblr #hot take

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blueberry-ink-93 · 17 days ago

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i might just go insane

i *need* to know everything ever about their marriage was it toxic did they love each other was it only a marriage of chance/ convenience or did they find solace in one another or even grief was it one sided unrequited love met with disinterest from the start or did he lose interest with time was it all of the above or none i- *explodes*

fr tho im reading plutarch's alcibiades (internet archive classics my beloved) and the would be meet cute is hysterical to me idk why. was it love at first sight (and who could resist such ethereal beauty?) or was there any sort of doubt or disdain for his ways? and if so did she fall for him despite herself or was she willing to let all notions leave her in favour of devotion to her husband? did she care at all? did any of it matter when she was the wife of the most beautiful man ever?

"Hipparete was a virtuous and dutiful wife, but, at last, growing impatient of the outrages done to her by her husband's continual entertaining of courtesans, as well strangers as Athenians, she departed from him and retired to her brother's house. Alcibiades seemed not at all concerned at this, and lived on still in the same luxury; but the law requiring that she should deliver to the archon in person, and not by proxy, the instrument by which she claimed a divorce, when, in obedience to the law, she presented herself before him to perform this, Alcibiades came in, caught her up, and carried her home through the market-place, no one daring to oppose him nor to take her from him. She continued with him till her death, which happened not long after, when Alcibiades had gone to Ephesus. Nor is this violence to be thought so very enormous or unmanly. For the law, in making her who desires to be divorced appear in public, seems to design to give her husband an opportunity of treating with her, and endeavouring to retain her."

so many feelings here. she loved him but how much of it was love for what was and not what she saw or chose to see? (i mean to say was it love or infatuation on her part). im well aware women had little if any choice and say in the matter and that they had pretty strict societally ordained frameworks to fit in, but like. them. what were they like.

did he see her as his wife (beyond property) and care for her to any degree or was it his image only that mattered? would a divorce lead to his name being potentially tarnished even in the slightest (ngl kind of doubt it would hes too pretty lol. but also misogyny. would anyone bat an eye?) did he fall out of love? was their any love to begin with?

did he at all abstain from seeking courtesans or did the marriage not get in the way of his previous life style? did he care that she was fed up and wanted to leave him (had anyone ever left him before?) and no longer worship the grounds he walked on (has that ever happened before?)

did he feel hurt? offended? did he care at all that a posession of his demanded freedom? was he upset? amused? did they talk about it? if he were to reconcile would she accept of her own will or be coerced? by him or herself regardless. did he humor her? did he laugh?

was there no further word on the matter when they reached their home? their bed? she was his until he saw fit, bound to him by marriage and maybe love still. was his choice to keep her born of ill will or affection? or even duty since she was the mother of their child. if the word held significance to him at all. was he a good and present father? i have no idea lol. assuming they had a kid i also dont know lol

*explodes again*

#skdkjfkglkfdjnjfglfd #idk what im saying ignore me pls #alcibiades #hipparete #i need to draw them both #like holding hands or something #KINDRED GO STUDY #hate it when blonde men consume my thoughts #its so embarrazzing #LION METAPHORS!!!

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djevelbl · 1 month ago

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HIIIIIIIII i went to watch the minecraft movie today!!! yayyyy!!!!!!

yap beneath the read more <3

it was fun! but sooooo bad. you dont get it it was TERRIBLE - not even in a "oh my god they dont even know what minecraft is" way but more in a "this is an insult to storytelling and writers everywhere" way. and im only kinda exaggerating /silly

like. the story was genuinely trying for a good spot in the minecraft speedrun leaderboards bc otherwise i cant comprehend WHY IN FUCK they were rushing that shit 😭😭 to the point that when the movie ended i turned to my mum going all "THAT WAS THE ENDING?????" bc i SWEAR i thought there was another half hour left. nope. they just rushed through the story

the whole thing there at the end with henry being all "oh no imma go back to the real world, im just not gonna let them take my creativity away!" was soooo shoehorned in, NOTHING in the fucking movie actually shows that henry came to that conclusion himself. garret wanting to go back also made no fucking sense to me???? like girllll wasnt he drowning in debts? why didnt he stay in the overworld like hellooooo???? y dónde está tu mentalidá 'e tiburón garbage man???????? like i genuinely dont know at what fucking point garret ever realized he had to be a better person - like okay. sure. he does admit that hes trash as a person and that hes a loser. it never really felt like he internalized any of that admission as motivation to become a better human though???????????? the movie just gave him the happy ending with none of the work done 😭😭😭

it really felt like the second they introduced steve that they wanted to go to the climactic final battle against the piglins. with absolutely none of the work done to like, earn that final battle?? ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE EMOTIONAL STUFF they were so focused on making each adventure scene fun that they forgot they wanted to give the moral lesson of staying true to yourself and not letting anyone take your creativity away, so they kinda just..... put it in there?? with none of the emotional labor of showing the characters journey through the problems of real life that would make such a lesson not just a fitting ending for the journey but also a necessary ending ever happening. whats up with that how did they do that

back to the characters - steve was actually funny and camp. no complaints there from me. OOOOOOOOO BUT THE WOMEN!!!! I HAVE SOOOOOO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THE WOMEN more accurately, i have problems with the fact that theres a total of FOUR. FOUR (4) WOMEN IN THE MOVIE, WHERE 2 OF THEM DO JACKSHIT FOR THE STORY (despite being iconic natalie and dawn never stop being you i love you idc that a whole theater worth of misogynists boo'd you once they dont know what fun is), ONE OF THEM IS BOTH THE VILLAIN AND NOT EVEN HUMAN (ily malgosha youre sooooo funny. i hope u get to stab steve in the afterlife babygirl <3) AND THE LAST ONE IS RELEGATED TO THE B-PLOT (marlene youre insane. i hope you have crazy fun with your nitwit villager husband <33) LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT????? HELLO????????????? genuinely sad. genuinely angering. they were all my favorites and if i see any one of you people calling them names or insulting them in any way ill kill you on sight <33 they did no wrong and deserve the world. fuck everyone else in the movie i only need natalie dawn malgosha and marlene in this life <3333

like GRGRGRGRGRGRGRRG i wanted to rip someone's throat out when i saw natalie and dawn doing nothing in that final battle against the piglinssss 😭😭😭 i mean. natalie kinda just... stood there. and dawn called the wolf army which disappeared off screen in like 37 seconds. they got done so dirtyyyyyyyy :(((((( im really really sad cuz both of them are sooooo interesting as characters!!!!!!! dawn is an overworked woman who's managed to keep her joy and whimsy with her about life even through the tiring responsibilites of being an adult! and natalie is a young woman recently moved into a new town where she knows no one and has custody of her younger brother due to their mother not being physically present!!!!! they couldve done something interesting with that!!!!!!!! make them bond over the fear of messing up and having those who rely on you judge you for that!! make dawn share some of her struggles she went through when she was natalies age and give her wisdom and advice!!!! instead we got a convo that barely showed a fraction of who these two are and what we couldve ahd, and the women are gone for all the ACTUALLY PLOT RELEVANT parts of the story after that. what if i tore the throat out of the writer who decided that. what if i did that.

like. i thought i would hate dawn and natalie from the trailer. i thought theyd be obnoxious and annoying. the instead i fucking love them and i wish they couldve had more involvement in the search for the earth crystal instead of Being Forced Apart from the group by The Narrative. the trailer paints them horribly

uhhhh tldr: the movie was fun. the story was shit. justice for natalie and dawn. marlene stole every scene in the movie and now i want a sequel just to see natalie dawn and marlene again,,,,,,,,,,

#I WANNA BLOW UP THE SPLEENS OF EVERY WRITER WHO DID NATALIE AND DAWN DIRTY. I WANT TO AND I FUCKING WILL !!!!!!!!!!#if theres 100 minecraft movie women lovers im one of them. if theres 10 minecraft movie women lovers im one of them. if theres 1 minecraft-#-movie women lover thats me. if theres 0 minecraft movie women lovers then they fUCKING KILLED ME BRO--#anyway #demon rambles™#a minecraft movie #a minecraft movie spoilers #i genuinely dont gaf about the inaccuracies. i think those were funny. my blood boils over the lazy ass story and the low importance of the #-female cast however #genuinely. if i see yall talk shit about literally Any Minecraft Movie Woman Ever im killing you. im hitting you with hammers and throwing-#-you into Asshole Jail #“would you recommend it djevel?” if ya want a good laugh #if ya want a good story go watch something else im serious this thing was SHIT

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justanamesstuff · 1 year ago

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Chapter 5

Seasons

Matty Healy x f!reader A/N: And one day she uploaded the fifth chapter! I'm very happy to bring you guys this new chapter I had fun writing and editing...it's full of emotions but so am I. I also want to thank you all for patience and understanding while I'm going through this difficult time of my life, i really dont know where i will be without your unconditional love and support!! Please let me know what you think and what you expect for this tangled story <333 love you lots! Warnings: ANGST, anxiety, so many feelings...fluff, cuteness, surprises, typos. Word count: 8.2 K

MASTERLIST TAGLIST

< Chapter 4

Few weeks later, LA

Matty felt the mild temperature on the air caressing his cheeks as he opened the door of his rented car at the airport. Denise and some of her friends were supposed to step out of the big doors in only minutes. Trying to be a good son, he offered himself without being asked. One because he wanted to see his mother and, two, because staying at home with Hann’s eyes following around all the time was driving the frontman insane. They had been going through a weird phase after the talk involving Matty’s feelings and problems. They were good but, at the same time, they weren’t. Just as Matty with Y/N. Why that kept happening to him? No clear answer.

While he waited, Matty walked around the rented car, his hood up and trying to wake up massaging his face harder than intended. He was trying to keep his mind at ease. He couldn’t think about his issues. Quickly, Matty’s hands reached quickly for his pack of cigarettes.

Matty deliberated a hundred of times if asking his mom about the situation would help, even though it was complicated. He would put her in a sketchy situation, and he was against it. At the same time, he knew very well –deep down– his mother would see through his eyes with her x-ray vision and say exactly what he had to do but was avoiding.

Matty didn’t feel ready.

He had to decide. To accept what was really going on with his feelings, say those out loud and risk a lot in the middle. Or keep the same behaviour, not only the one he maintained for the past months, for the past years. Either way, he’d continue hurting himself.

Lies -no matter how suited they could be- at the end are lies anyway. Denying feelings you have, don’t make them disappear…you only sweep them under the carpet and wait for them to explode in your face sooner or later.

The process of accepting is painful most of the time, but isn’t more painful to believe something that is not? Isn’t it worse to maintain a relationship that deep down you knew you don’t want?

Matty was protecting his heart. He was getting himself ready for the next part…for the inevitable.

After a couple of more minutes, the singer spotted his mother looking for him. At the same moment, his phone rang.

“’Ello?” he answered, throwing away the butt of his smoked cigarette.

“Hi Matty, where are you?” his mother asked. He gave her the directions, as he waved his free arm in the air. The whole group approached him. “Hi, love!” Denise greeted him, embracing him on a hug.

“Hi, mom.” Matty muttered, feeling the warmth of her arms. He didn’t realize how much he had needed that hug. “How was the flight?” the singer asked politely while greeting his mother’s friends.

“It was good.” one of them responded.

“Where are the others?” Denise asked.

“At the house, I volunteered to pick you up.”

“Aw, my son.” Denise took his face between her hands.

Matty laughed feeling the tight squeeze. “Mom, stop!” he moved away, feeling like he was a teenager all over again.

“Oh, shush!!” she protested making the rest laugh.

Shortly after, Matty and the group of women got on the car. He started driving, chatting a little with Denise’s friends and her mom. He made jokes, trying to be the nicest he could be.

“So, how’s the record going?” Denise inquired.

Matty didn’t give her much information, “Good, good.”

“You look tired.” she noticed.

“I am.”

“Are you sleeping well?”

“Mom!” Matty whined, stopping at a red light.

“What? I want to know if my son is alright.”

“I’m sleeping just right, okay?”

Denise scoffed. “What that even means?” her accent thickened warming Matty’s heart thinking about home.

“Oh god, I was missing you but…now I don’t know-” Matty teased her. He felt the urge to divert the attention.

“Excuse me, boy? First, I know you missed me- “

Matty smiled wide, “I did.”

“-and secondly, you can’t get fussy. I’m angry with you.” she folded her arms, emphasizing her sayings which was answered with a frown from Matty.

“What are you on about now?” Matty asked her.

“And you dare to ask!”

“Denise…” Matty warned her.

“Y/n? Ireland?“ Matty’s mother started counting, Matty’s face dropping. “Does that ring any bells?”

Matty scratched the back of his head. “No? I mean- Yes, she’s working over there.”

“Not that! I know that!” Denise shouted. “Well, I’ve already known that.”

Denise’s son turned for a split of a second, staring at her puzzled. “What else then?”

“She’s dating someone! Don’t fake like you don’t know…” she continued rambling, but Matty’s ears closed. His mind was foggy while he imagined Y/n and a boy with no face doing a ton of shit he couldn’t do with her.

“Like actually dating?” Matty’s voice came out strangled. He didn’t dare to look at her mother.

Denise hide her mouth behind her right hand, gasping, “Oh, you don’t know! She’s going to kill me!”

“Mom…”

“Do you remember Tom?” she exhaled.

“Tom?”

“Tom Blyth.”

“Yes, I do. I saw him at an even, I reckon? Not sure.” Matty’s mind desperately trying to remember how this Tom looked like.

“Well, they… I don’t know how much I can tell you. I shouldn’t say a thing.” Denise explained, worried. Y/n never told her not to tell, but still.

“Don’t worry, I knew she was dating someone.” Matty lied. Y/n told him about a boy she fancied, not this. Why didn’t she? They talked a week prior, why hide this?

“Oh, okay. I’m really happy for her.” Denise felt a wave of relief washing over her.

“Yeah, me too.” Matty said through gritted teeth.

“It’s lovely she’s dating someone! He sounds like a good lad.” Denise continued ranting, unaware of Matty’s emotions.

“Yes, it is.” Matty couldn’t say more. His heart was aching.

“Anyway, how’s Nadia?” his mother changed the topic.

“Ah?” Matty snapped out of his daydreaming. “Oh, Nadia- She- Yeah, she is alright. I guess, she’s in Italy right now.” Matty responded. Hoping his mother didn’t ask more. Luckily she didn’t.

Matty drove the group of women to the hotel they were going to stay at. He promised to come back later for dinner, and then he continued his driving.

His mind was nowhere to be found. His heart was hurt. Matty’s body was on pilot mode, he only wanted to arrive at the house and sleep. Just forget the news.

This Tom and Y/n? This new dude and his best friend? He couldn’t picture it. He didn’t want to. Why Y/n never said his name?

Matty was sure that the last conversation they had had was a fully sincerely one. He knew they didn’t talk about many important parts but…why she didn’t tell him?

…………………………………………

Hours later

Matty woke up suddenly. He sat on his bed, trying to calm his breathing. His heart beating so fast, he could perfectly sense it and hear it in his ears.

After dropping her mother at the hotel, he came back home to sleep for a couple of hours before leaving to set. His life was hectic right now. His mind was troubled. And now his body was showing it more than before. He had to decide sooner than later. This thing was going to drive him insane.

His mother told him a lot of information he hadn’t considered. In fact, he forgot about this guy Y/n talked about. Matty was so focused on his relationship with her. On his relationship with his girlfriend. With maintaining both alive and going. But in the end: one, he wasn’t fulfilling the task, and secondly, he was only focusing on him.

The guy, well, Tom…never was in the equation for him. He kept Y/n in a place, in his head, where she was single and no seeking for a relationship right now. Did she tell him that or he believed it? She did tell him about this guy she had a crush on…but Matty knew that Y/n never took the lead. Probably Tom made a move.

Matty ripped the blankets from his body, irritated.

He had to be happy for Y/n. He wanted to be happy. Matty couldn’t. He was more than screwed, he realized. The singer couldn’t say it out loud, not even to himself only. But he knew why this bothered him so much.

For a while he sat on his bed, running his hands –desperately– through his curls, trying to find the answer to his sorrows.

Nothing helpful came to mind, but his breathing settled a little. His mind kept running.

And then he remembered his dream.

He could picture it so vividly. It wasn’t fully a dream. It was more a memory with Y/n.

The dream took place months after they became friends. That time the rest of the gang wasn’t there, just Y/n and Matty. They had this kind of tradition, like a movie night but different. Instead of films they watched series. Sitcoms in particular. One of them picked two numbers, one for the episode and another for the season.

This time they were watching the office. They loved it. And Y/n particularly loved Pam and Jim’s relationship. Every time they appeared on the screen doing something remotely cute she screamed or remarked it for Matty in case he missed it.

He couldn’t care less about the episode. He was focused on her. How beautiful she got cheering for some random characters. Matty tried to look at her without her noticing. Y/n made him feel so many things back then.

“Omg, he’s going to propose. Matthew!!” Y/n screamed turning to look at him, and then again to the screen.

“He’s not.”

“He totally is!”

“You already know what happens!” Matty accused her, chuckling.

“Shh, I want to pretend that I don’t know.” the singer remembered how she snuggled closer to him. “Let…” she pointed a finger on his chest. “me…” again. “be, Healy.” Y/n looked up at his brown eyes, so close and yet so far. Matty’s heart was going to explode on his chest. He stayed there, just looking at Y/n. “Stop.” she looked away after a few minutes without a real reply from him.

“I’m not doing anything, darling.” he smiled.

“You are.”

“What am I doing?”

“Looking at me.”Y/n said, drawing patterns on his clothed chest around his heart where his tattoo was imprinted. The girl wasn’t aware of the power she had upon him.

“Well, yeah, I’m not blind.” Matty was so surprised about how well he was faking being unbothered. “What’s wrong?”

“You are looking me like that night…” he made a puzzled face. “The night we met.” Y/n clarified.

“Ohh.” he cooed.

“So- yeah- stop.”

“What if I don’t want to?” he asked cheekily. Matty touched the redness of her cheeks gaining her attention again.

“Dunno.”

“You’re beau-” Matty couldn’t help to start saying. Y/n moved her head forward hiding her face on his shoulder.

“Shh. Don’t. Let’s continue watching.” she made herself comfortable on his left side. Using his shoulder as a pillow this time. Matty couldn’t complain. He was happy there, with her, even when the words got stacked on his throat.

Y/n was everything he wanted back then. Why did he stop trying? Yes, they were friends. That was the most important part of this mess. Although he hated himself for not trying enough, for not waiting enough, for being an idiot, to realize late all of this when she was apparently starting a relationship with someone else, and he was in a former one already.

Nadia. He kind of used Nadia. He loved her, but not in that way…or not any more as the beginning. Matty couldn’t keep with that. He was going to hurt her so much..if he wasn’t already. Why he convinced himself he was ready for a formal relationship with someone else when in fact he wanted her?

If he broke the relationship, both of them would get hurt. Nadia doesn’t deserve that, in fact, she deserved better than a half love. It was the best, in the way that he had to let her have a better opportunity.

Matty ran his hands through his hair anxiously for a million time. He needed to know about this Y/n and Tom thing. He had to be sure if it was a real thing. Not because it would help. It would hurt in fact, even though he had the urged to know. He couldn’t ask Y/n though. Matty was sure that George knew something. He had to ask him.

Matty walked the short distance from his room to the studio downstairs where he knew George would be.

He opened the door without announcing his presence.

“Everything okay, mate?” George said in a calm tone without turning, his eyes still on the board in font of his eyes.

“Do you know Y/n is with a Tom?” Matty didn’t wait a second.

His best friend’s body stiffened visibly. “Tom? What Tom?” G tried playing dumb, although Matty saw right through him.

“George, I’m not in the mood for this. I know you know. So fuckin’ start talking.” he stated.

“Mat-“

The singer cut him short, “Don’t use that stupid tone with me.” Matty pointed his finger even though George couldn’t see him. He sat down on the couch behind G set up. “Please, I need to know.” Matty almost begged. “Can you tell me what you know?”

“Mate, you know I can’t tell you- “ George turned around on his chair.

“So, she’s…mom’s right- Fuck!” Matty said more for himself, resting his entire body on the couch.

“What’s going on? Why is making you so anxious?” G asked, with a patience he only had for Matty.

“I- I’m not in a good place right now…everything is- I don’t even know what to say.” Matty chuckled dryly.

“What do you mean?”

“George.“ he hissed.

“C’mon…say it.”

“I’m not ready to talk about this. I can’t- “

“This has something to do about the same feelings you had a while back?”

“Yes.”

“I know.”

George let the silence linger for a second, feeling like a pause between topics.

“And Nadia?” the drummer asked.

“I don’t know.” Matty closed his eyes, cringing.

“Matty- “ G said in a worried tone.

“I know, okay? I’m going to talk to her…”

“Okay, it’s not going to be nice- “

“Believe me, I know.”

“I think it’s the best.”

“Yes.”

“And… Matty?”

“Yeah?”

George got serious after stating clearly, “You can’t say this to Y/n.“

“I know that too.” Matty responded defeated, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hands rhythmically.

“Mate- “

“I have things to figure it out, but I’m okay.” Matty lied to G and to himself.

G knew he was far from that state, but he wasn’t to push Matty more during that moment. “Okay…”

“I’ve to go now.” Matty exited the room as fast as he came in.

G moved his face from side to side, praying silently that none of his best friend got hurt after all.

………………………………………………

A week later

End of March

“What else could go wrong in this story?” Hann thought on the flight from LA to New York. He had no idea what he somehow manifested to happen after that without even knowing.

The first few days were fine, but when the fifth came everything changed. Hann and Matty didn’t talk much, they were still in this particular position since they had the talk. Hann decided to leave Matty alone for a while, but keeping his eyes close in case something happened.

Strangely, Hann was left alone in the posh studio while the rest of the guys, the producer, and people he couldn’t retain their names even five minutes after meeting went out to get food. It would be easier ordering from an app or something even though all of them needed a break.

The line connecting the front desk with the private area they had been working in rang startling Adam out of the zone. He left his guitar to the side, running to answer the thing.

The guitarist cleared his throat before asking, “Yeah?”

“Hello, I have a woman here that says he knows you.” the woman’s voice was tinted with suspiciousness.

“Name?”

Adam waited for longer than expected, listening quietly while the woman at the front desk asked the other person waiting.

“Nadia Parton.” she finally gave Adam a name.

‘Shit, what was she doing there?’

The receptionist did a strange sound urging Adam to inform her what he wanted to do with Nadia. “Do you know her?” Hann rolled his eyes at the question and her urgency when she took longer than him asking Nadia only her name.

“Yes, I do. Let her pass, please.” he was short and polite, although he didn't give her much information.

Adam hang up begging for a moment of peace that didn’t arrive.

…………………………………………….

Matty entered the room first, agitated as well since he played a bet with George that we would get up there before them and proceed to run upstairs. The run didn’t take his breath as much as witnessing Nadia talking calmly with Hann.

Nadia was there.

To say that Matty didn’t expect her was to highlight the obvious. Matty had been trying to push the conversation as far as he could, and she was there, three meters away from him. He believed he had more time. The universe works differently.

“Hi, baby.” she approached him excited. “Surprise!” Nadia said while hugging him. Matty didn’t know what to do really. He hugged her back and looked at his best friend. Adam moved his shoulder as a sign he knew nothing about this, he even didn’t dear to ask the girl in the half hour they shared.

“I wasn’t expecting you…” the words fell from his mouth.

Nadia took a step back still with her arms around his neck. “That was my intention. I wanted to surprise you, as you did for our anniversary.” she said sweetly. Matty felt a little bit more miserable with each word she dropped.

“Oh, right. I forgot some special occasion?” he inquired, lost.

She gifted him a big smile. “No, silly! I was missing you so much.” Nadia said, leaving a peak on his lips. A move that made Hann much more uncomfortable, sitting there just watching the scene as in a film. The studio’s phone rang once more, and he hadn’t been happier to hear that sound in his life.

Adam spoke with the secretary once more informing him that Jack was in his way up.

After he hung up, Adam tried to gain his friend’s attention at the same time he heard the guys approaching the studio.

“Matty.“ he said between his bandmate’s name and a cough, getting the attention of the couple, not only Matty’s.

The frontman looked at him for a second time in only minutes, “What?” his face expressionless.

“Jack is coming, and I think I hear the guys in the kitchen. ” Matty looked at him as if a second hand were growing beside the one holding the phone.

“Alright?”

Adam didn’t dare to look at Nadia. It wasn't rare that friends or family stay during the record sessions, but he was aware that Matty didn’t want her there right at that moment. Hann was trying to gain time and Matty wasn’t taking the hint.

Something must’ve clicked inside the singer’s brain because he continued saying, “Ah- Yes…I mean, top secret.” Matty moved far from Nadia’s embrace one because they were blocking the door and two because he was feeling guilty receiving so much caring he couldn't reciprocate. “Nad, would you give us a time alone? We won’t be long…just Jack checking some stuff about this-”

“Yes, yes…I knew I’ll have to when I planned the surprise.” she said, walking towards him. Matty couldn’t help feeling cornered, although he let her kiss him shortly before heading out of the studio.

When she was out of sight, and they were sure she wasn’t listening, Matty dared to ask, “Did you-?”

“Tell her something? Hell, no!” Hann said.

“Alright, alright…good.” Matty said, under his breath, passing around.

Neither of them continued the conversations. Adam looked how Matty walking in circles before turning around with his eye full of certainty.

“What?”

“I- “ Matty mumbled the words making it impossible for Adam to hear.

“Come again?”

Matty stood in the middle of the studio, opening his chest, “I’m going to break up with her.” Matty admitted and Adam doubt it.

“Right now?”

The singer chew on his upper lip, “It wasn’t in my plans she was going to- “

“Yeah, I can tell.” Hann said sarcastically.

“This is not funny!” Matty looked at him with a stern look.

“Yes, sorry. And then…?”

“I can’t focus on that now. I have to work”

“Yes, you have to.” neither of them knew if he was speaking about work or something else.

Adam grabbed the collar of his forgotten guitar, leaving his friend with his own thoughts.

……………………………………………….

Few hours later

Nadia wasn’t an idiot. She knew from a long time up to that moment the fact that Matty was dealing with something. She was confused though. Matty kept sending her way a lot of mixed signals. One day, she was everything to him, he followed her around, being the attended boyfriend or travelling for their anniversary, even though the next day, he was cold and doesn’t seem happy to see her in NY.

She continued dismissing it, thinking it was part of being with a rock star, or ‘Matty is Matty’, or ‘the album is stressing him’; everything instead of thinking he didn’t want her any more.

The woman was deeply in love with him, Nadia was sure of that. She was head over heels for him. But, was he? ‘Yes’. Why would he be with her if he wasn’t? Matty wasn’t that type of guy, and Matty had shown her that he loved her. Still, something was wrong. Nadia didn’t want to think about it. She was happy with him. Matty was everything she sought in a man. She could deal with this bad moment of their relationship because it would past…or she wanted to think.

After they wrapped for the day, Matty and the rest of the group returned to the hotel. Matty was drained, very tired, so he decided to wait for the next day to talk with Nadia. That’s why she stayed with him in his hotel room, and he was in peace with his thoughts for just a moment.

“Finally, alone.” she said, smiling at him.

“Yeah. I’m going to take a shower.” he said, going to his suitcase.

“Can I join you?” Nadia said cheekily.

“Nad, I’m not in the mood.” he responded, searching for his clothes.

“Oh, okay…” she said feeling slightly embarrassed. “I’m going to call room service, what do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.” Matty replied without looking at her, meanwhile he stood up walking slowly towards the bathroom.

Nadia left the phone on the side table, turning her body to face her boyfriend. Before Matty closed the door behind him, she exclaimed, “Fine, what’s going on?”

“What?” he didn’t turn around.

“Matty.“

The singer quickly got defensive, “I’m not hungry that’s all.”

“I’m not talking about the food and you know that.” she kept glancing at him. She could tell he was nervous, his back muscles were tight.

“I don’t- “

Nadia left the comfort of the mattress, standing in the middle of the room. “I know you, tell me what is going on.” with a courage she didn’t feel, Nadia approached him, placing a hand on his back and sensing Matty got stiff felt like a dagger ripping her heart.

“I’m knackered, okay? Can we not do this right now? “

“I’m tired of this, Matty. I need you to speak to me if you are going through something. We’re a couple!” she let her hand dropped to her side.

“I- “

Nadia felt desperate. “Please, tell me!”

“Okay.” he turned around. “Please, take a seat.” she obeyed, returning to her previous position.

“I wasn’t expecting you to show up- “ he started to say.

She couldn’t stay silent, her anxiety making her interrupt his rambling, “That’s everything? Me surprising you?”

“Please, let me finish.” Matty scrubbed his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t expect you to show up in fuckin’ New York, at the studio. I was waiting to fly back home and talk with you properly.” Matty continued, starting to gain power on his words. “I know my behaviour during the last months weren’t the best- In fact, they were the worst. I’m being a horrible boyfriend, and you don’t deserve this. Don’t- “ Matty stopped Nadia with a signal of his hand when she moved and before a single word fell from her lips. “Please, let me finish. I wasn’t expecting you, but when you showed I decided the best would be talking tomorrow when I’ll be more awake than now. I guess this can’t wait any longer. I know this is going to hurt you, and me too. You’ll hate me for this- “

“You’re scaring me, Matty.” Nadia said worriedly.

“I- I’m struggling a lot with myself. And I don’t think you should…you have to deal with it too.”

Nadia’s eyes stung with tears.“What are you suggesting?”

“I think we should break up.” ‘I said it, I finally did it’, Matty thought.

“What?” she asked surprised. “If it’s because I didn’t tell you or any of the guys that I was thinking on coming- I’m so sorry.” Nadia tried explaining quickly.

“That’s not why.”

“Then what? You don’t love me?”

“I- I do love you.”

“Then?” she moved on the bed anxiously.

“I love you, but there are things I can’t tell you that I’m dealing with…and you don’t deserve this.”

“There’s someone else?” Nadia hatred herself for asking that. She sounded so cliché.

“It’s not- It’s not exactly about that- “ he said sitting on the bed, reaching for her hand.

“Then what?” she asked again, looking down.

“I can’t- “

“Don’t you trust me?” she inquired, this time crying. She wanted to seem strong, she couldn’t.

“I do. I do. This is- I can’t even think about it without going insane.” he admitted.

They stay for a moment in complete silence. Both of them were hurt. Nadia’s heart was shattered in hundreds of pieces. Matty suffered watching her in that state. Fully knowing that he caused it.

“I’m so sorry.” Matty said verily out loud.

Nadia chocked on a sob, saying, “I love you, Matty.”

“I love you too, Nad.” he reached for her cheek, while she continued crying. “Please, don’t hate me. I mean, I understand if you want to punch me or kick me in the nuts.” she chuckled. “Please know that I’m doing this because you deserve so much better.”

“I don’t know.”

“I know it. It seems like the most horrible excuse, but I mean it. You’re an incredible person, women, and you deserve someone that loves you and treat you better than I do.” Matty admitted.

“I want you…”

“I know- “ Matty sadly said.

After a while Nadia tried to dry the tears that never stopped falling. She told Matty, “I better go.”

“You can stay till tomorrow.” He offered.

“I preferred not to.” she took out her hand from Matty’s grip.

“I’m so sorry.” Matty apologized again, staring at her form while she moved around the bed grabbing her stuff.

“I’m too. I wish you the best, Matty.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

Nadia titled her head, staring for a last time into his soft brown eyes, “You do. I hate you right now, and I don’t want to see you for a while.” she stated, meanwhile Matty answered with a nod. “Don’t reach for me when you are sad, well, you stop doing that a couple of months ago. I don’t understand why this happened but above all, I love you and I know you’re a good guy. You gave me a lot of beautiful moments to remember, you’re a kind soul. I know I don’t deserve this, although you have to know that I stay because you're worth the wait…and if you tell me there is a little part of you that wants me to wait I’ll probably wait. I know you don’t have that part.” she said when Matty opened his mouth to speak. “It hurts so..so much, because I know, I’m sure, that in your own way you love me, you said it too. Sadly, not as much I love you. Because I love you fully. When I love I do it that way.” Nadia stopped and dried her tears once more. “For all we shared and how much I cherish you…I wish you the best. Goodbye, Matty.” she finally said, turning around, graving her suitcase and then left the room.

When the click of the door made a loud noise in the silent room, Matty started to cry. He hurt one of the most important people in his life. Nadia was gone. Matty knew it was the best, and he also knew it was going to hurt. Not that much. He couldn’t complain though.

She didn’t shout, Nadia didn’t even raise her voice. Which, made it more difficult to deal with. Sometimes, it is easier to hate the other and shout. Not the best, or healthiest, just easier. That time was the opposite

Why does he keep hurting the people that love him deeply?

………………………………………………..

The next morning Hann found an obviously tired Matty. The guitarist wasn’t sure if he wanted to ask or not. Something clearly happened, the singer’s face showed it.

They had a free day, luckily for everybody. A couple of days ago, they decided to be the typical tourist and walk around town. Matty wasn’t in the mood for that even though it might help.

Adam knocked on Matty’s door two hours before the activity started. The frontman took his time to prepare even though he ended up showing with a simple shirt and jeans combo. Hann was expecting to encounter Nadia, but she was nowhere to be found. That gave him the first hint. He also remembers what Matty told him the day before. He wasn’t expecting his friend to be so quick about it. Although, he couldn’t assume anything. Adam didn’t want to. He was going to wait for Matty to come around and speak about it.

They stayed in silence for a good amount of time. Matty plopped himself on the bed and rest his head on his hands after opening the room’s door for his friend.

“Nadia left.” he informed Adam when the eyes of the guitarist scanned the room.

“When?”

“Last night.”

“Mhm.” Hann only dared to express.

“We- I broke up with her.” Matty looked at his best friend, waiting for a reaction.

Adam showed nothing, “Okay.”

“It was the correct thing…right?” he hesitated.

“I’m not going to tell you what it’s or what it isn’t right, Matty.” Adam clarified.

“Damn it!” Matty projected himself out of the bed.

“Take it easy, mate.” the guitarist said with a calm Matty envied.

“How? I mean, HOW? She hates me now. I’m an asshole!”

“Okay, no. Yes, you did pretty fuck up things…although you can’t beat yourself up like at. Everybody makes mistakes, you’re trying to solve them. Focus on that. It’s not nice, because you realize big things, feelings and I understand you’re hurt- “

“I can’t make myself the victim. I know.”

“No, you can’t. Although this is not a Disney film, there’s not a good guy and a bad one.”

“Yes, you’re right.” Matty let a big breath out. “What I do now? I broke up with Nadia, and Y/n is…” the singer started to tell him, and then stop.

“Y/n what?”

“Nothin’.” Matty muttered.

“Oh, no. You’re going to tell me.” the frontman was satisfied with Adam’s nervousness.

“Don’t you know?” Matty inquired.

“About what?”

“Y/n is in a relationship.” just saying the words hurt as if someone was ripping his heart out of his body.

“Oh, shit. Did she tell you?”

“No, mom did.”

“Your mother told you?!”

“And then George quite of confirmed it.”

“Fuckin’ hell.”

“Yeah, exactly. I hate my life right now.”

“Don’t..”

“Let me be miserable for a minute, okay?”

“No.”

“Please.” Matty begged without caring.

“No.”

“Hann!”

“You said it…you’re not the victim. Suck it up, mate!”

Matty scoffed, “Very kind of you.”

“I’m trying to help!”

“Well, you’re not helping…at all.” Matty snapped at him. And quickly regretted it. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” the frontman took a sit on the bed once more and Adam copied him.

“I understand.”

“Why didn’t she tell me? Or you? Instead, she told George and mom…”

“I don’t know.” Hann lied. He perfectly knew why. He wasn’t even hurt. Hann knew the reasons why Y/n tend to skip talking to him about this stuff. He couldn’t tell Matty though, it wasn’t his thing to tell.

“Should I call her?”

“What? Are you insane?” Adam exclaimed.

“Fine. Yeah, I’m not going to…” Matty hesitated even when the urge to do it was big.

“Please promise me you’ll not.” Hann begged, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“I promise.” No matter how hard it will be, Matty had to stop hurting the people he loved. The first one was Y/n. Somehow, he hurt her. He doesn’t understand why quite well, but he knew it. He can ask her about how was she doing and all of that, although if she didn’t want to tell him about Tom…he had to stay out of that.

Matty had to focus on work again and work only. When he returned home in a month or so he could think what to do. For the time being, he had to fix himself and stay out of more problems.

————————————————————————————–

On the other side of the ocean

Spring was one of her favourite seasons. Y/n loved all of it. From the flowers starting to blossom to the mild temperatures and all in the middle it was a lovely season. Or maybe this year she was looking at it with other eyes.

The woman was happy beyond the imagination. Finally, after many months she was in fact and without a doubt happy. She longed for that moment and now she had it. The positivity she irradiated was amazing. Y/n was giving so much, and the universe responded or herself in a state of pure happiness wanted to believe that.

Y/n was euphoric for all the work she had done in the previously few months with herself, how much she grew. She took a step aside from the horrible place where she was, Y/n took a place aside from being the cliché girl in love with her best friend. But it wasn’t all her merit, she had a big helper. She had a handsome helper: Tom.

Y/n never felt what she felt with Tom.

Tom was everything she ever dreamed of: he was always attentive with her, but not overwhelming her, he understood her reserves and didn’t complain; they talked about everything and nothing, every conversation was perfect. Sometimes, they fought about their strong beliefs, but they also end up kissing and hugging. Y/n was happy with Tom.

She didn’t tell Tom about Matty. Y/n didn’t see why. She wasn’t thinking about that as well. Tom and her talked by text and she was okay with that. After all, he was her friend, and she promised not to disappear. She still had affection for him of course.

Anyway, Y/n was living in a dream. Work was going well, she was kind of sad because they had only one week left of filming, and then she would be back home. This time with Tom. They talked about it fully, feeling extremely happy that both of them were in the same page about continuing dating. Tom lived closer to the centre of London, and she was only 20 minutes away by car from there. They could make it work out.

Since they were in the last week of shooting, Y/n had a lot of work in hand. They had to leave everything perfectly done, and she had pressure about helping Lily accomplish all of what was expected from her.

“Please, could you leave those papers and hung out with me?” Lily begged, sitting in her trailer’s couch.

“You know I really want that, but I can’t.” Y/n continue going through the schedule.

“Agh!” Lily scoffed. “You’re not fun any more.”

Y/n rolled her eyes at her, “We see each other every day! Don’t overreact.”

“That’s exactly why…we have only a handful of days to be together and then- “

“And then, we’ll see each other as well.” Y/n turned around, looking at her.

“You’ll be so busy with your prince charming!”

“Omg, don’t call him that!”

“Being all happy and loving each other.” Lily continued with her rant, making weird sounds that tried to emulate kissing.

“You’re impossible.” Y/n returned to her papers.

“Talking about Romeo!” Lily exclaimed. Y/n didn’t understand until she heard a voice.

“Were you talking about me? I’m flattered.” Tom looked at Y/n, approaching her and the woman couldn’t help noticing her stomach sprung to life with excitement.

“She was talking about you.” Lily pointed like a little girl.

“Oh, really?” Tom crocked an eyebrow while placing his arms around Y/n.

“Yes, about how she’s going to ignore me- like right now- and be all lovely jolly with you.”

“I don’t want to brag but- I’m pretty cool so- “ Tom joked. Leaving a kiss at the back of Y/n’s head.

“Oh, you shut up!” Lily said standing up. “I’m going to leave you two to it…” and then she left without waiting for an answer.

“Lily!” Y/n exclaimed, shaking her head disappointed but laughing before turning to face Tom. “Hi”

“Hi.” Tom looked down at her eyes. His height always amused her, Y/n felt secured with him being so tall, she didn’t know exactly with, but she did.

“Did you need something?” she inquired, placing her hands on his chest.

“Yes.”

“Oh, what?”

“You.”

“Cheesy, way too cheesy, Tom.” she laughed.

“It’s the truth.” he replied, kneeling down to meet her lips.

…………………………………………………

Sad day, last day

The last day of shooting and the day before that one with the big wrap party, Y/n felt really emotional. This production gave her more than she could ever ask for: a lot of experience and work, of course, but also friendships and a lovely boy. She was more than grateful with it.

Y/n was leaving that day with Tom and Lily. He brought his stuff a couple of days before so when they had to leave, they went straight from the Airbnb that Lily and Y/n shared towards the airport. It was more practical and that let Tom and Y/n spend nights together.

Y/n woke pretty early sensing the warmth that Tom’s body spread. Her head was in his chest, and his arms were around her form. She let a sigh out in pure bliss. Tom moved a little, waking up as well.

“Morning.” he said in a raspy voice.

“Morning.” she smiled, propping herself up staring down at him. “How did you sleep?”

“Like a baby. After that intense activity- “

“Tom! Stop that!” she whined.

“Okay, okay. Now you’re shy but last night- “

“Omg, shh!” she shushed him, trying to leave his side.

“No, come back here.” he begged.

“Such a baby.” she teased.

“Thanks.” he answered laughing after she was only centimetres away from his face. “I need my morning kiss, y’know.”

“Oh, really? I don’t know.” she played dumb.

“Please? I’ll stop saying how hot last night was.” he chuckled.

“Exactly, no. You lost your opportunity.” she tried to stand up, but quickly Tom pulled her into the mattress.

“Why so shy so suddenly, darling?” Tom asked. The nickname made her think about Matty, making her instantly felt bad. Now she was fully aware they were coming home. “Hey.” he tried to get her attention when Y/n’s sight fell elsewhere, lost. “If it’s so bad to kiss me and think about us having- “

“Stop!” she placed her hands on his mouth, laughing at the same time. “I just- I don’t want to get back home.”

“Why?”

Her hands found his curls quickly, “I’m not going to see you every day.”

“And then I’m clingy?” he inquired, leaning down to caress her throat with his nose, taking her in.

“Oh, forget it!”

“No. I’m sad about that too, believe me. But, we don’t live that far from each other.”

“I know, but…”

“Stop with the but’s. I want my kiss.” he said, reaching her face to finally kissed her.

Tom’s kisses were like no other ones in her life. Y/n didn’t kiss many boys but she was sure none of them kissed like him. He made her feel inexplicable feelings. He was tender and kind, but hot and torrid at the same time. Tom treated her as if Y/n was made of porcelain, with so much love and caring. She was getting addicted to him.

Tom was like her favourite season. Tom felt like spring.

………………………..

After the three of them left for the airport, Tom acknowledged quickly how clingy Y/n was being. In fact, he was making most of it because she was rarely like that around other people. Neither of them was. He kept her close. Hugging her or taking her hand. Subtle forms of ‘I’m here, we’re okay’. Y/n was glad he noticed. It amazed her how well he understood her when they had only known each other for nearly 10 months. He was going to miss him, no matter if he was close, and they already had plans to meet in London.

Y/n was trying to avoid overthinking her behaviour. She succeeded until they took the plane home, and Tom fell asleep.

For a while, she admired his face and features. She didn’t want to appear creepy, so she turned her sight to the clouds. The sky was almost black. She could still picture the lights of the city, of Ireland. Then, the sea came into her view. Y/n always felt a big connection with the water no matter how much she loved the earth, the land. There was something so deep and meaningful about water that amazed her. Maybe, it was the fact that you can reflect yourself on water. At that moment she couldn’t picture her figure from so afar even though the colour and the depends on the Irish Sea made her look inside herself.

The inner talk was something she avoided a little since her relationship with Tom started. On the other hand, you can’t stop yourself from thinking. You have to, if you don’t talk with yourself how would you know what you want and what you have to do to get better?

Y/n felt that she failed to herself in that part. Yes, she wanted to be happy. She was happy. But she repeated something she acknowledges a way back. She avoided Matty. Well, she didn’t, they talked even though she avoided her feelings or not feelings for him. She avoided thinking about which position she was in about him. And that was a little bit wrong. Not because she was happy with Tom she could keep avoiding her problems, avoid Matty.

Y/n wanted to solve her situation. She wanted to get back to her friendship with Matty as it was. Without knowing, she drifted more apart after she repeated that to herself.

She didn’t tell her best friend about the amazing relationship she was in now. Of course, Y/n had her reasons. Although, if she wanted to get back to be just friends…didn’t friend tell each other things like this? Matty told her about him and Nadia back then.

She wanted to tell him, but after two months or so Y/n wanted to do it in person. Matty was in New York at the moment, which made that quite difficult. Maybe when he returned. She knew he would get angry, that’s why she wanted to somehow explain it to him. She would have to lie a little bit longer…for the last time.

Y/n had to admit to herself, she missed him. She missed the whole gang. She missed her English family. That was why she was also happy to be back. Not everything was awful.

Y/n came back to real life once the plane started the descended and Tom woke up. She tried to enjoy those last minutes. Yeah, she knew she was kind of overreacting, but she couldn’t avoid it. As well as oceans, she was restless…to many feelings. As well as oceans, she was going to settle. The calm was here. Or that was what she liked to think.

………………………………….

Two weeks after

Two more weeks went by during which Matty was still unhappy and troubled. That time not only due to Y/n and his feelings, this time because of the coronavirus. They had to return home. Sadly, the cases were rasing in so little time, that the government was closing down everything again.

For the album, Matty wasn’t preoccupied because with the rumours of this happening they managed to do most of the works left, and they wrapped a day before the announcement. And they could always continue from home.

Staying in New York was an option, although they had been gone for a long while. George was missing his girlfriend, Adam his child, Ross his family and Matty the comfort of home. They preferred to return home. Back in England, the situation wasn’t bad but also not good. The government was considering closing everything again, they didn’t have news about it.

A part of Matty wasn’t sure if he wanted to get back. Part of him wanted, he missed his family, his shared house with the boys, and everything. Another part, didn’t want to get back though. Too many things to deal with. Being out of the country, wherever work took him, he was available to stay far from his normal problems, or he had that illusion.

Anyway, coming home was exhausting. More during the corona time. Having to use the face mask and all the protocols. He wasn’t complaining, he supports taking care of the rest and his wealth. It just adds a lot on his shoulders and made him more tired.

Once he returned, Matty spent a lot of time inside his room playing games or writing, he even went on a walk with Denise for a short time.

He knew Y/n was also back home, and she sometimes met up with George and the rest. Although, he wasn’t ready to see her. They still talk by message, they avoid the topic. Even when Y/n knew very well he was at home, she mentioned nothing. She didn’t want to push him, and at the same time, she was spending time in London for a good amount of time with Tom.

So, yeah, Matty wasn’t ready for what life, the universe or God had under her/his sleeve this time.

……………………………….

Sunny Sunday

A week prior to the dinner, Denise started begging and bugging him to get all together. She said, ‘let’s share a nice meal at this place closer to you guys now that we’re allowed before everything closes again, Matty!’ and no matter how much he tried she won. The boys were excited to see new faces after weeks of only seeing each other working to get the record ready to publish.

Matty and Hann arrived at the restaurant first but they waited at the car park for the rest to arrive. They did minutes after.

“Hi, boys!” Denise said, very happily.

“Hi, mom.” Matty was the first greeting her.

“Hello.”

“Why so happy?” George inquired.

“Can’t I be happy for seein’ you handsome boys?” she asked, innocently.

“Mom…” Matty knew better.

“Okay, okay. I have a surprise for you all!”

Ross got all excited like a little kid during Christmas, “What?”

“Patience, dear. We have to wait a little longer before it arrives. Well, it’s not a thing, is a person.” Denise’s smile was wide.

“I’m not following.” Adam interrupted.

Louis interfered, “Me neither. But, you get used to it.” and the rest chuckled.

“Wait and see. She is arriving!”

“Oh, she?” George inquired.

“Yes, she. Not whatever you’re thinking- I don’t want to- “

“Mom, could you just tell us!” Matty was growing anxious.

“Oh, she is here!!” Denise cheered so loud.

The whole family looked at how a very familiar car parked beside theirs. Shortly after, Y/n came out smiling nervously at them.

“Hi, guys.” she greeted the group.

Matty’s heart stopped beating right there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @hollybrislen @sinarainbows @eaglestar31 @sugarkane1001 @brittluvs1975

Chapter 7 >

#matty healy #matty healy fic #the 1975 #george daniel #matty healy x reader #matty healy fanfiction #matty x you #matty x y/n #adam hann #matty healy fluff #matty healy angst #matty healy x you #matty healy x y/n #matty the 1975 #Seasons

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tzuyuscloud · 10 months ago

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This isnt my usual post but im just gonna rant. I dont want no kind of negativity in my inbox or comments because I will not be tolerating it whatsoever.

I know we have all heard of or seen clips of the LSFM documentary.

1. I am actually so sick of people, might I add people who have no singing experience, job that has anything to do with singing or kind of teaching background or education in singing, not even criticizing BUT bullying Sakura over her vocals. We clearly know she’s been and idol for 13 years, stop bringing it up. She obviously won’t improve when people are basically calling her worthless 24/7 whenever she breathes. Hell I was an advanced choir kid since 6th grade and I still had a shaky voice and voice cracks when I would lose confidence. What she needs first is not vocal lessons but fucking therapy. Because everyone wants to be a critic, when their “critiques” aren’t even valid no real solutions of getting better.

Like yall rmbr when Momo had no confidence to sing bc yall thought the best solution was to talk shit. But now shes getting better because SHES GAINING CONFIDENCE. How do you expect one to get better at something when they constantly have two devils on both shoulders saying that they suck and need to quit.

2. Saying that the girls are “faking” or “great acresses” throughout the documentary shows how fucking sick you are and I hope you are aware that hell is insanely hot. Chaewon literally broke down because she doesn’t know why shes doing what shes doing for anymore, she doesn’t know how to be happy, had a fucking IV in her arm before filming Unforgiven, was sick but still decided to film because everyone likes to hold idols but not just idols WOMEN to high ass fucking standards but let it be (no shade at all) a man and all hell breaks loose.

This clearly shows the double standards the industry, companies, AND so called “fans” have towards female idols and male idols. A male idol can have a voice crack, bad vocals, and its seen as a bad vocal day. But let it be a female idol and suddenly she needs to quit or even worse k word herself. Have we not seen what happens in the industry when your so called “criticism” hurts idols. Have we not seen the lose of many idols who still deserves to be here on earth today. Seeing how Sakura, Chaewon, Yunjin, Kazuha and Eunchae have gone from smiling 24/7 to faking a smile. You can clearly see the hurt and tiredness in their eyes and its absolutely painful to look at. Have some fuckimg human decency and stop acting entitled to idols’ lives and their careers when all you are doing is sitting behind a screen.

3. This goes for every female idol ever compared to male idols. I don’t want anyone saying “oh well so n so from *insert bg*” no. The double standards are clearly there and let me give an example.

I AM A BLACK WOMAN. (Before anyone wants to comment)

Giselle says the n-word. Ppl hold her accountable, gives her death threats, drags it on to this very day.

Soul says the n-word. Ppl go “oh we all know Keeho scolded him after that” then everyone forgets about it.

You can clearly see the double standards. Women are expected to be 100x better from the day they start training compared to male idols who could make a mistake at a concert and not get their entire bloodline cursed and shamed for breathing.

I already know this is one thing about the industry that will never change, no matter how many lives are taken or at stake. No matter how many idols get insanely sick mentally and physically, its proven that yall only view them as objects of your happiness and once they get older (more so female idols) or mess up, you just throw them aside and look for another.

Lets be real, the reason why half of these idols are sick and unconfident isn’t just because of the companies and industry but because of yall fans as well. And imma say this. IF THE SHOE FITS THEN WEAR IT. IF IT DOESN’T PERTAIN TO YOU, THEN DO NOT GET OFFENDED. 🗣️

#lesserafim #lesserafim documentary #female idols #kpop #stop trying to control idols’ lives #kpop gg

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adhderall · 2 months ago

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and then ppl wanna bitch about how minorities get special treatment when that's not even true, corporations just virtue signal about the latest ~oppressed group~ in the spotlight to look good and then proceed to discriminate against "undesirables".

as a very visibly masculine female (like in physical features which im sorry is worse than just clothes bc i look like a freak of nature rather than just regular woman who ~dresses weird~) i am fucked unless i go to insane lengths to hide it by shaving my entire body constantly forever and caking myself in 500 layers of makeup makeup and dress hyperfeminine or else fuck you no job for you SINCE THE OTHER OPTION OF CHANGING MY MARKERS TO MALE ISNT EVEN POSSIBLE NOW (and no i Literally Do NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IDENTITY BULLSHIT I JUST WANT TO NOT BE UNHIREABLE LMFAO)

tons of radfems will be like "🤓☝️ um lying about your sex is wromg ackshually you should stop living a lie and embrace being weird" (and so often its a feminine woman who wouldn't ever know what it's like lmao) im soooooooooooooooooo sorry but im not well off enough to be a visible gnc woman uwu role model martyr like i actually need a fucking real job. like maybe if i was fucking rich or something i wouldn't give a fuck but there are VERY real practical reasons why I'd want to ~lie about my sex~ (and no im not going to ~just detransition~ bc i actually LIKE how i look and sound way better than before fuck off lmao. its telling how most ftmtf detransitioners are hyperfeminine bc they dont wanna be treated as weird and i just dont wanna fucking be hyperfeminine for the same reasons i listed above.)

ummm how dare u say masc women cant get hired 🤓☝️ yeah not all of us [can even afford to] live in fucking LA or seattle and like i said above you WILL be treated as a weirdo if youre a physically masculine woman especially if you dont try to overcompensate to fucking hell by being hyperfeminine. and also AGAIN not all of us are just regular looking women with short hair and mens clothes, some of us have facial hair and deep ass voices and look like men to people even with long hair. and when they find out "oh it's actually a really ugly woman" they will NOT want to hire you unless you live in a super progressive area and i know this for a fact. getting a job is ALREADY hard regular ass people complain about this so imagine trying while being ~visibly a freak~

also when i say im ~visibly a freak~ and a "really ugly woman" this isn't me self-deprecating this is just stating objectively how i am likely to be perceived by the average [heterosexual] individual. im more than fine with these aspects of myself i wouldnt want to be more ~physically feminine~ or have a higher-pitched voice at all. but the reality is many people will view me as an object of pity at best.

just. ggggghhgghhhgggggggggggggggggg i just want to LIVE (have shelter and food and water and all that basic shit) and be left alone why is that too fucking much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#foaming at the mouth #retarded tranny shit ik.

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lesbiansforlesbiansforheiyaakane · 1 month ago

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got taken down on ao3 lemme see if tumblr will let me post

basically posting this until i get my new ao3 account approved and get un suspended and am able to post an explanation

vro the tumblr community is to different to the ao3 one 💔

one thing i do not understand is why i have to filter out the bloody “anal sex” and “anal fingering” tags while trying to read fluff fics. i am angry. do you not have shame. why is there more chirisu fics than arisagi fics.. justice for my girl. why does no one post anything about uta? 😓 why does everyone love niragi fics and think hes attractive and excuse his actions but when i say i love shibuki or akane everyone is angry 💔. there are once again rarely any fics of wlw relationships and its killing me slowly 💔. why is writers block a thing. it makes me angry, frustrated and bored. because i want to write fics for all my amazing ships (they never interacted but trust) but i cant because the words dont work 💔 writing is so awkward especially because my reading and writing skills are at a year 4 level … why do people make non con fics. they arent smut. they arent anything but fetishising awful things. why do people hate when i say “lisa x uta canon 😛” or “lisa x mira canon” and then turn around and ship chirisu or chishisya and ann 💔 are we deadass 💔

no one gets me when i say i genuinely ship all wlw ships because im so starved of representation 💔 life is unfair 💔💔 i wishh i liked the popular ships but why tf would i ship a rapist and a not normal and insane human being? *cough* chisiragi *cough*

(looking at you “tatteredandtorn” i hope someone tatters and tears you)

why are all the mlm ships just pay gorn?

who is gorn and why do i have to pay him?

what is gex and why do i have to say it?

who is lex and why do i need to know they are serbian?

heh… sesbian lex

wow that is it for the day see yall tmrw 💔💔💔

why is ts (this) longer than my actual fanfictions 💔

TSTSTSTSTSTSTS

whats the difference between

fascism, communism, socialism, capitalism and condensation?

they are the same rhing 💔 [angry]

i read a tad bit of the manga.

Notes:

crashou

Chapter Text

i read the manga a bit and im crashing out why do i need to see 13 unnecessary boob shots and 3 overly sexual for no reason (not including the chota and her scene) of shibuki. and yes i counted to be accurate. and 6 more overtly sexual scenes for women who werent shibuki.

im crashing out. why is it so pervy.

heiya and shibuki are innocent. the tv show did them dirty. heiya is deadass in highschool.

why does no one have

media literacy..

the reason characters survived impossible things and others died easily is because they did or didn’t die in the meteor thing.

niragi gooners make me uncomfortable.

im gna mk a fnfc sn bt i hv no mtvtn (heh.. no vowels)

what is fascism. what is communism. what is socialism. what is capitalism. what is condensation. why does no one tell me these things.

WHY IS THE ENTIRE FANDOM PAY GORN… WHY DO I TRY TO READ A SHIBUKI FIC AND THE COMMENTS ARE “heh.. i dont like her but this is ok” I DONT GET IT!! BUT NIRAGI FICS ARE ALL “hes so misunderstood i can fix him!” BE QUIET FOR ONCE YOU INSOLENT GOONERS.

some of yall in this fandom do not deserve internet privileges. the dubious consent tag will be the death of me.

this is a light crash out today but i will update when i something

PMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOTSTSTSTSTSPMOPMOPMO.

TS(THIS)DNTPMO

Summary:

heh.. no crashout

Chapter Text

heh.. thank you for the comments saying my crashout is real 🙂‍↕️ big compliment and i thank you 🙏/gen

wait did someone else say big? like massive. you know what else is massive

low taper fade.

cant think of much that PMO rn but niragi gooners are getting on my last nerves as usual heh..

pacific rim. what the fuck is it im so confused.

Chapter Text

what the fuck is pacific rim. im so confused. there are so many pacific rim crossovers. so i look it up and its a fucking kaiju godzilla type shit.

no. i mutter to myself. why. why does the kaiju universe follow me around. i barely escaped when my brother watched kaiju films 24/7. coming back to haunt me.

why would i want to read alpha/beta/omega fics. no. they are bad. they are odd. im all for respecting kinks or whatever if you shut up and leave it inside your house. but we are not wolves guys. i promise you arisu is not chisiyas little sub. you are not slick guys. i will catch you.

i am not gonna read your furry porn you incompetent basement dwellers.

”they touched tales” no they didnt.

no.

i cant do this anymore fr3akb0b.

“i wish i was usagi” i wish i was a badass rock climber too. but insane takes such as “she shouldnt have complained” are not it.

this fandom reeks of misogyny. yall can’t appreciate a female character and its painfully obvious how much you hate women.

“waiter waiter, more yuri please” i request as i lick the yuri crumbs off my plate. “no you can not has yuri” said the waiter who was actually the fuck you writer.

what if i said… daimon x uta.

“does this have spice?” its warrior cats you virgin dweeb. its the very hungry caterpillar. its a dictionary. spice is the eighth word down on the cambridge dictionary website in the “ s ” section and the

“Words from

spermatozoa

spider's web”

section.

boy oh boy do i have a huge hate relationship with x reader fics. they are good and you can imagine any character in to it but dont expect me not to say “that aint me..” when you start talking about how im 4”11 and 30 kg… i guarantee you i am not. im not rapunzel.

thank you for coming to my fr3akb0b talk. until next time your pay gorn addict freaks…

TSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSTSPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMOPMO💔💔💔💔

once again… what is fascism, what is communism, what is socialism, what is capitalism, what is constitution heh… thats a new one

Summary:

wow 2 chapters a day at least?! 🙂‍↕️i am making as many crash outs as possible because i crash out so often. this fandom is like a prison but your cellmate wont stop bloody masturbating. comments and kudos are all appreciated and give me my motivation which is why i have put out so many chapters.

Notes:

id like to be clear im not criticising any authors specifically. id also like to be clear that this chapter contains mentions of non consensual sex, domestic violence and suicide all briefly and to be expected with niragi discussions but i want to make sure people are keeping themselves away from triggers. drink lots of water and eat, unless you lile niragi, then you can starve.

Chapter Text

some of yall be taking the smut fics a little 🤏 too far… i only read them so i can crashout chat. unless its wlw. i read every wlw fic no matter what. it takes 5 BLOODY MINUTES because there is no yuri.

“he gets whipped by him trust ! ” i do not trust. the only person cracking whips is britneymy queen.

“you have to respect people” i do not want to. please dont make me. why are you turning them into sharks and asking why there is no marine life au’s. why would there be? im shaking is this real.

i would like to point out that when i wrote “turning” i wrote it wrong as turing it tried to correct to “yuri girl.”

why is the brainrot funny edits of aib characters non existent. theres only a few accounts i can trust…

why why why why why why why would i read blood drinking pay gorn. why would i drink blood. why would you drink blood. where are you getting it from? is it my blood? is it your blood? is it our blood? how are you getting enough to drink. who is getting it.

“niragi suguru redemption” this m, former president. /ref 🤦‍♀️ you cannot redeem a rapist. it is not possible. “oh he wqs bullied” so are many people. if every bulliest (for lack of “attacker, attackee” situation word) became a rapist we would be going through an even worse suicide epidemic and domestic violence cases situation. NOTHING. and i mean nothing. can excuse such vile and disgusting acts.

what is condensed milk. what is condensation. NOBODY TELLS ME NOTHING.

shorter chapter but one nonetheless.

🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂��↔️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Summary:

so no one told me

Notes:

tw for talking about non consensual sexual acts (sexual violence) please take a break from this chapter if that could trigger you and have a nice hot drink ❤️

Chapter Text

“Akane is a rapist she cant be one of your favourites” said the media illiterate person.

So what people seem to not understand is that what akane did to arisu was not rape, and classifying it as that is incorrect information.

SO APPARENTLY I FELL ASLEEP OR SOMETHING FOR 5 MINUTES OF THAT EPISODE BECAUSE WHAT?!

I completely missed the fact that she literally was raped by a doctor so she could live, i saw someone say she consented. pardon? People do realise he would have assaulted her anyway right? Also she is 16/17 which is HS 2/ Year 12/ 11th Grade as “our last summer IN highschool” and quora and I agree that 11th grades summer is the last one whilst you are in highschool, 12th grade summer would be after graduating so to all the people also excusing by saying she was 19 she wasnt, the doctor was a rapist and pedophile. Him conveying that sex is the main thing that matters in the borderlands would have had an effect on her. Now this doesnt mean i condone what she did but people are ignoring that she has been manipulated whether he was purposefully manipulating her or not into believing that doesnt matter.

We also see when aguni shows up that he said no and she respected that from the context clues that are given in the scene, so saying that she sexually assaulted aguni is false. They cut out (from what ive heard as i havent read the manga fully or much at all to be fair) the scene were aguni talks about sa’ing usagi but decided that all the women who could have been actually appreciated as the strong female characters they were, had to have their backstory erased and viewed as rapists. Either way, the author of aib shouldn’t even be using SA as a plot device in the first place.

Wow uh i just realised that this has gone from being a crashout compilation to me using big words 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ stay safe and 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ on, or youll pmo

word count is 349 because i used a heh.. calc (slang for calculator)

i love you quora

a little aggressive. if you’re offended then it was probably directed to you.

Chapter Text

shoutout to all the cunts putting m/m under the f/f tag and not even having women in it. you all suck i hope you die. xx

TSTSTSTSTSTSTS

Summary:

by the way if its not enough to make a whole new chapter on i will just be updating this chapter cause im feeling calm but tell me if you wanna see me rating characters or ships or smth [cute] (tiktok emoji 💔)

Chapter Text

wont be posting as much anymore as im spending more time with people in my personallife.. heh.. but check me out on tiktok, or dont i dont mind

HAVE YALL READ HANDS SO BLOODY TASTES LIKE HONEY OH MY GOD IM (S)CREAMING (both heh…) ITS SO GOOD I LITERA SET ALARMS FOR EVERY SATURDAY OH MY GOD

i feel like i have the equivalent of “moots” on ao3 like we read the same stuff, i see them everywhere, and they comment on my fics and i comment on theres and when i spot them in the comments of fanfics its like “yipee”

i will probably make a new long rant quite soon but im trying to be more active on pinterest and tiktok, im also not as angry anymore becaus my pretty girlfriend is nice [cute] i literally lkve the tijtok emojis like i go through a phase if using them like it was [proud] then [happy] [embarassed] [flushed] then it was [hehe] and now its [cute] 😭

anyways heiya x momoka rarepair unlocked, momoka x asahi is one of the first ships i shopped, ann x usagi, mira x usagi, uta x risa, risa x usagi, kuina x mira, kuina x usagi, daimon x shibuki rarepair unlocked, mirann has always been one of my faves and hear me out on heiya x ann but only if heiya wasnt 16 and ann like 26 obviously 🙂‍↕️ i refuse to ship minors with adults but i think if they had been the same age they would be soulmates. i know people say that and it comes off creepy but i swear i am the biggest hater of pdfl ships. i really like emi x shibuki or emi x asahi icl and as you can tell i really like wuh luh wuh rarepairs theyre so cute [cute] if you have any fav rarepairs tell me because i always need new ones [cute]

please please please if you like jibyeok read my fic “hopelessly devoted to you” under my pseud “jiyeongglazer” and let me know what you think so i can improve!

another small edit! PLEASE READ panda_loves_sappho FICS RHEY ARE SO GOOD AND HEARTBREAKING I LOVE THEM 💔

shoutout to the 3 kuiann smut fics carrying the wlw fandom.

tahts well lush mate

Notes:

tw for discussion of sexual assault and pedophilic behaviour mentioned, i do not condone either of those and if those might upset you please skip todays chapter and ill see you another time ❤️ have a hot bath and a relax and watch kitten videos and my dms on tiktok, tumblr or insta are always open ❤️

im back after a break

Chapter Text

i getta see my girlfriend tomorrow 🙂‍↕️ i miss her so much its been a month 💔 and we get the new chapter of hands so bloody and im still waiting for kuiann to scissor 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 stay strong my lesbiana soldiers 🫡

also yall know you can change the publication date on your fics? well i may have made a fic shipping inho and gihun in the most 2021 “🤪✨” ever and published it for the 21st of september 2021 and people are falling for it i feel so bad bro like my account says made in 2024 💔

ive been feeling very freaky because tiktok gets banned the day i get to change my username to the correct spelling and my usa moots wont see it 💔

no ones even talking about it….

someone on tiktok asked me where my eyebrows are… i lied and said im blonde. im not blonde.

i really want usagi to live bro (just remembered why this fic exists … i will focus on aib) coming up to 2 months in the fandom in rouggly 2 weeks! yipee! i remember seeing an edit ‘headcannoning” kuina as trans fem and then i saw another and i was like… omg wait no way actual representation for the abcdefg+ >v< i love kuina so much but everytime i type her name i accidentally write kuian. and when i put a “k” in my keyboard kuina comes up. im obsessed

usagi is fine shyt 👅 i need her to lihh this clihh 👅

yhe usa military gc leaks are insane like i hate europe too but its different when they do it.

my local mcdonalds is closed for the next week and a half and its been closed for like 3 weeks now. and im cravinh mcdonalds..

also my period started on sunday and is still going. someone put a baby in me because im sick of this (i rebuke this.)

the comphet is hitting hard because ive literally been reading chishiya x yn. like i dont picture myself because my ass is not surviving the meteor in the first place 💔 (and because we left yn in 2021) i lowkey fw mira x yn but thats different cause its mira guys.

chishiya pmo. hes so glazed 💔 hes a bad person guys 💔

nobody gets my love for heiya. shes so sweet and i feel so bad, like i know she was kinda mean but the boys at her highschool pmo 💔🥀🥀🥀

when i say im the number one heiya gooner im lying, i dont goon 🙂‍↕️ but i am her number one fan!

niragis piercing pmo like i know your bitchass cried while getting that

he found me crying

i cried

he cried

we both crode.

like the piercing sexcy ashhhhh on others but he doesnt deserve it, also people who say he isnt a rapist for what he did to usagi, you are correct but he sexually assaulted her (for everyone saying it was the same as heiya theres a difference, see i dont defend rapists no matter what no matter of gender but look into her trauma guys. why dont we talk about it? also id like to clarify i dont think she should’ve done that and there is no excuse but we should pay attention to something other than men like yall glaze every male and ignore the fact that heiya was innocent in the manga )

they ruined so many female characters and i personally take the manga as canon as its the original, i dislike chota for being a pedophile in the manga and being creepy and gross to shibuki, everyone who says heiya tried to sleep with a middle schooler 1. shes 17, obviously i dont think 17 year olds should date 15 year olds but stop calling her a pedophile 2. she didnt know his age yall .

anyway whew i thought id write a bit but i wrote a lot, im getting so good at grammar guys! yipee!

im not even fucking kidding im british but like south east british so i sound like bloody peppa pig, gwendoline lacy and hermione all in one. say “miss can i go to the toilet please?” in a posh child accent and youll sound like me.

also my cat is so suki coded (her names suki, i am the biggest devon aoki fan) technically shes named after her mummy (i sound like britihs) (becuase i am but thats besides the point) who passed 😕 but her mum is named after suki from fnf but we always tell sukis actual name meaning cause shes an orphan and we love her guys 😚 i actually dk who her dad is but shes a rescue so noone does

also i think my cats are lesbians. they arent biological sisters and they know they arent cause they met after a certain age where (is that the right were/where?) they gain brain power🙂‍↕️👋 but they might be sisters idk man 💔 like im saying it as a joke but what if bro. what if. 😭 either way they have the classic brunette and black hair cliche so me and my gf are projecting onto them😎 (i clarify that i do not think my cats are in love but they did have there face in eachothers kewch. i think they should stop doing that, its like the 5th time.) (id also like to clarify im not sexualising my cats, i just think its funny them doing allat, i do not think of my cats sexually and if i did i would like someone to put me in a taxi into the ocean and leave me there forever)

i just started watching shameless cause i watched it for nicole sakura scenes and now im starting from the beginning!

also alisa uruhama has liked my comment twice on insta 😎 (we are married in my head) i cant tell if the photos she posted are her getting married and shouting out the people taking her photos and her getting in the magazine or if its just a photoshoot for the magazine 💔

anyway sayonara suckers

word count: 1000!

heh.. youre welcome

Summary:

no one fw sesbian lex like i do 🥀

hands so bloody new chapter, kuiann. oh my god. i love them, i owe the author my first born child. no one was talking about anns truth, my baby [cry]

heh.. the author noticed me, after 7 years of campaigning i paved the way for lesbian rights 🙂‍↕️! i feel lowkey bad though (had to look up conciliatory, which humbled me) but i can confirm i was silenced and i am more yham happy 👅👅

#aib #alice in borderland

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