#i dont feel its right to pry and it wont change anything

[rainingincale]

.

[askfairyromano]

you HAVE to keep me updated on how francis manages to eat dear mumsy's old recipe. im sure she was a lovely woman, and who knows maybe it is good! but if it's not....please spare no detail, i am enthralled with whatever fallout happens here. youve got me invested. ah young love! does your brother even like him back??? or is this just like a guy not really getting the hint? and i can tell you with full certainty that people have a crush on you. being 'broken' has nothing to do with people thinking youre a total baddie with the prettiest eyes in the realm. youre a hottie!! and youve got a bangin sense of humor! like, youre absolutely lovely! im telling you right now with 0 doubt in my mind that there are people who are SO into you, but are just too shy to say anything or just dont know how.

(omg mun im your favorite anon??? stoopppp i love winning on a technicality. listen, i have been hooked since i stumbled onto your blog. youll have to pry me off with a crowbar if you ever want me to go away (or just say youre not interested in the convo anymore i promise i wont be upset!!). also i saw your pinup post on twitter and its STUNNING as usual. your art is gorgeous, but thats not surprising weve all known that <3 also, feel free to change up the convo as much as you want if theres more you want roma to talk about or if theres something you wanna explore artistically! ill play along with whatever you want, im just happy to see your gorgeous work!)

[om-headcanon]

☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying

i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)

lucifer

without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying

he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life

he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful

with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears

all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant

if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...

he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself

you call out his name softly to get his attention

lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying

you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need

you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace

and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace

because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him

mammon

mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot

while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him

he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes

he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour

his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent

he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder

maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers

he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder

except its actually you this time

you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright

he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face

he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know

you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is

leviathan

its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made

every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything

most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy

he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too

eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack

levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down

he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this

you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him

you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response

you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed

this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do

you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today

you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure

hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him

satan

he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order

its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot

no one dares to go near him like that

and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them

he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless

belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow

he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions

he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden

but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance

satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him

but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room

he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face

he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him

you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it

he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”

asmodeus

ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt

its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him

he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him

so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him

hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall

he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else

asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)

he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him

he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready

you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself

you startled him when you said his name

“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes

you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly

he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable

your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out

you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face

you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials

beelzebub

beel loves his family a lot

more than he loves food (also a lot)

he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it

what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it

but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him

beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved

once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage

he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this

it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt

he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face

you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him

he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined

beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior

when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother

you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress

you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him

hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear

“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”

belphie

he has lots of survivors guilt

its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith

because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel

this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off

as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there

beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now

unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you

he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere

he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.

belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly

“mc, can we talk?”

he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder

contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done

he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why

he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay

you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it

that makes him feel a lot better

he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

The Prince and The Baker (Pt. 1)

-------------------------

Virgil adored his younger brother of course, but Patton could be a bit much sometimes.

"Patton, it's only noon! Why do I have to get up so early!" said the black-haired boy as his overly cheery brother shook him awake.

"You need fresh air! It'll be good for you! I've already washed dried and ironed your binders overnight so you dont need to worry about wearing an old one, and I've done a few of your hoodies as well just in case," Patton said, dragging him out of bed by his arm. Virgil let out a groan and rolled his eyes.

"I dont want to go outsiiiiiddddeeeee," he protested, grabbing a black binder and a dusty lavender hoodie from the clothesline.

"You need the fresh air, I'm tired of seeing you stuck inside all day staring at the ceiling like it's got the equation to solve every problem you've ever experienced on it," Patton said, turning away from Virgil as he changed.

"You can turn around now, I'm done," Virgil said, half annoyed, half tired.

"Good, now go out in the garden at least, sit for bit, look at the clouds!" Patton rushed him out the door faster than Virgil could open his mouth.

He stood there for a moment, the look of disdain for the outside world still appearent on his face. He walked around the back of the house and into the garden, keeping his attention on his breathing for now, until he sat down on a stone bench in the rose garden at the back.

He hadnt realized he'd fallen asleep again until the sound of bells filled his ears. He shook his hair out and waved off the bugs crowding around him.

He made his way back inside the house and walked out to the counter.

"Good morning Mr. and Mr. Barlow, how's that new business plan of yours going?" Virgil said, smiling as best he could at the couple in front of him.

"Its going wonderfully Virgil, how are you and your brother fairing nowadays?" the taller of the pair asked.

Virgil merely waved off the question with a resounding "fine" before handing them their orders and watching them leave. He hated days like this, all the prying questions and small talk, it was enough to drive him up the wall, but he could bare it, for Patton's sake.

He was happy to finally get it over with, to be able to relax with Patton before closing up shop.

"Lotta new customers today! Did you see!" Patton said, adding their earnings to a chest in the cellar. It was all they had, and it was hardly enough.

"Yeah, good thing to, goodness knows we could use the business," Virgil sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to fluff up more than usual.

"I'm going to hang out upstairs, call me if you need anything," said Virgil, letting his arms drop again, a slight grimace on his face.

Patton frowned slightly but reassumed his cheery demeanor almost immeadietly "Ok, and dont forget to break soon, it's been a long day," he said before turning back to the funds. Virgil merely nodded his head and trudged up the stairs. He took off his binder and hung it back up before changing into larger hoodie and curling up on his bed. He felt cold, numb, but he was used to it. So he just waited for the feelings to pass.

Later that night he decided he wasnt going to bed after all, so he redressed himself and decided to go for a late night stroll on one of the old trails in the woods. This was one of the few times Virgil enjoyed being outside, the sound of wind blowing through trees, and the cool breeze on his skin, it was much more calming than the blistering heat of the daytime.

Or it should've been, until he heard voices.

"Roman it's not that big of a deal! We're royalty! We can go out whenever we want," Virgil stopped in his tracks.

The princes? here? no no no this can NOT be happening he thought. But he could see the outlines of two boys with crowns on horses in the distance. He didnt know if he should run or hide or both, but he didnt want to face them, he was hardly the kind of person a Prince would want to think of using their forest trails.

"Hey, are you alright, you seem frightened," to late, one of the group had noticed him. He was tall, with bright green eyes, so bright in fact that they reminded Virgil almost of a cats, the only eyes you could see in the woods.

"I-Im fine- I was just living- sir- my apologies- it wont happen again," Virgil sputtered.

"Well I should hope it does! It's boring being the only two people that use this path," Prince Roman said, holding out a hand to Virgil as if to invite him to come with them.

"Wh- no your highness I couldn't! I'm just a baker!" Virgil said, shrinking back just slightly.

"Nonsense, a little midnight fun never hurt anybody," Roman said, taking Virgil's hand and helping him onto the back of the horse. Virgil wrapped his arms around Roman's waist, ignoring the somewhat taunting looks of Prince Remus.

Roman had been right, it had been fun, but Virgil knew it wouldmt last. Roman had to get married someday, and the future second in command couldnt possibly be a lowly baker, a prince had to marry a prince,and that was the rule. No matter how much Virgil wished it was false.

----------------------------------------------

Tag List:

@official-lucifers-child

@oceanart123

@youtuberswithalex

@spooky-scary-virgil

@misunderstoodshadowling

[proheromidoriyashouto]

Inksignia, Beyond Alteo - Tattoo artist!Inko x Flower Shop Owner!Rei AU with pre-IzuShou Part 1

Canon is mostly the same with a few exceptions. Izuku immediately tells the teachers what Shouto said during the Sports Festival. Trust is broken but Izuku would rather have him alive and safe than continue to leave him in that house. The teachers - Eraserhead, All Might and Nighteye mostly- investigate and Endeavor is taken down, goes to jail, blah, blah, blah he’s not important. After careful consideration, the authorities tentatively release Todoroki Rei from the mental hospital as an out-patient.

In order to gain independence from his estate, she decides to start up a flower shop for income. So much time spent in that drab, stale hospital has fostered a desire for bright colors and the scents of nature. She uses some of her monetary award to pay off the rent for a space wedged between a smaller convenience store and a tattoo shop. The tattoo shop has dark-tinted windows with intricate, black detailing that creates a black-on-black appearance Rei recalls seeing on pottery in the States a lifetime ago. The tattoo shop opens and closes later than her own flower shop so she goes a few weeks before she makes contact with the owner.

Business starts off slowly as there are more renowned shops a short drive away but Rei creates a niche for herself by exclusively offering carnivorous plants, and freeze-drying flowers. She had a lot of time to read and explore her tastes with a decade apart from Enji and she developed a fascination with carnivorous plants. Beautiful, deadly, and deceptively delicate, they require the utmost care. Preserving flowers by freezing them was a past-time of hers prior to her marriage and she is delighting to pick it up again. It was an uncommon practice then and continues to be so now. She uses her quirk to frost the vases and keep that part of the shop cool without altering the temperature necessary by the tropical plants. Soon enough she has moderate, steady business and she’s finally beginning to turn over a profit.

She’s returning from lunch when she spots Shouto shuffling about outside. He visits her here since her release or at her apartment above the shop so being outside must mean he was waiting for her. He looks despondent when she guides him inside and he spends nearly an hour simply walking through the shop, familiarizing himself with her wares. Even after all this time she call tell something has upset him, though he undoubtedly has a lot on his mind after the Hosu Incident. Though when he came to visit after the Sports Festival and again since the investigation into her ex-husband he had been angry about something then too. He’ll speak when he’s ready so she helps a few patrons with their orders in the meantime and when he does he seems... lost.

Mama?

Yes, dear?

Are you... happy... with all of this?

...How do you mean?

I... He visibly swallowed around a lump in his throat. H-his arrest. The court proceedings, the media attention, public opinion. Doesn’t it... bother you? Make you uncomfortable? I passed by people on the way here who were whispering about you and all of us, how we’re ungrateful and-! Validating the things people like Stain say about heroes and society. Is this, he kept his eyes firmly downcast, all even worth reliving that pain? Wouldn’t you rather forget it?

S-shouto?

I’m not saying this isn’t a good thing, now, but wouldn’t have been better to let sleeping dogs lie? I... I was going to save you from that place. When I made it and he couldn’t control me or you anymore, I-I had a plan, but...

But? She approached him slowly, letting him gather his thoughts. Something changed that? She could see the tips of his ears flush though she couldn’t see his face for his hair.

I told someone. He almost growled at that taking her by surprise. He told the teachers. That’s when they started looking into it. His fists were clenched at his sides in his hurt. I just needed him to understand what- I didn’t think he’d say anything. I didn’t know him. We’d never spoken before but he was always butting his nose into things... I didn’t think he’d hang us out to dry. But he did and now. He lifted his head to look her in the eye. His expression was imploring, desperate maybe. Being dragged through court and forced to relive all those horrible things and having people think less of you for it.You- you can’t tell me it’s made you happy.

She considered his words carefully. No. No, that certainly wasn’t. Having to testify, being in the same room as your father. That was... never something I wanted to experience again.

He adopted a look that was equal parts relief and... vindication? But she continued.

But I would do it again in a heartbeat.

His expression became clear shock then. Why?

Shouto, where do you live now? She asked instead of answering.

...with Fuyumi?

Are you happy with her?

Yes.

Do you feel safe there?

He tilted his head to the side, reminiscent of an inquisitive puppy. So cute her son. ...Yes.

And you know that your father will never come near you again, right?

...Yeah.

So, my sweet boy, who I know is so so smart, She gently cupped his face in her hands and kept his eyes on her own, why wouldn’t I repeat this fight if it meant getting you and your siblings here, to this safe, happy place every time?

His eyes shined with tears.

For the record, she said, I am. Happy- that is- here. And however unintentional, I’m grateful that you told that boy. Her son’s eyes widened. He set us on this path. It was painful, yes. She tucked an errant lock of crimson hair behind is ear. It was also the road to freedom. For all of us.

Tears wet her fingers and Shouto looked away in shame. Oh. He said so softly. You- it- it doesn’t... you mean that?

She nodded fervently. Absolutely. I would thank him if I saw him.

Shouto drew his shoulders up tensely and gently pulled her hands away from his face. That... I’m not sure that’ll ever happen.

She hummed curiously. Has he requested to remain anonymous?

No, I-I thought you were hurt by all of this. I, um. He curled in on himself a bit. I was angry. I... told him off after they started looking into our lives. ...we aren’t talking.

Oh. Shouto. You were worried about my feelings? She would remain amazed by his capacity to love her after what she’d done to him.

He nodded.

Could you make up? I’d hate for him to think he didn’t do the right thing. He might not come forward for someone else if the situation arises. I’d hate to think that someone else if left in suffering over this.

He seemed to shrink in on himself even more. The- the things I said to him were, um, pretty personal. His face twisted in obvious shame. Someone else told me- a bully of his told me that he was... I said a lot of horrible things to him and he won’t even look at me anymore. Before, I was glad. But you’re- you’re happy. He said the last word as though it a ludicrous notion.

She nodded.

Now, I- I don’t know. I should apologize. Looking back it was going too far. He didn’t mean to hurt you by it. Or me. Or any of us. He’s just... I think he’s just like that. So helpful.

She smiled. He sounds nice.

Yeah. His voice cracked as he blinked away more tears. His right hand reached over to cover the knife wounds on his left arm. They were weeks old, maybe they were still causing him pain? Too nice. ...I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me. His voice dropped to a nearly inaudible whisper, a few more silent tears slipping down his face unbidden. ...I made him cry.

Would it hurt to try?

They spent the rest of the day discussing how to go about making amends, and ended up staying well-past the typical closing time. It’s dark out by the time they head out to pick up dinner. She finally has enough money to take the children out for food and Fuyumi and Natsuo said they would meet up at the restaurant. It’s been such a long time since she had a warm meal with her babies. She’s excited. They can finally get to being a real family.

They’re surprised by the door to Inksignia suddenly swinging open, bathing the street in light. A woman stepped out and she blinked large eyes at them. She was short and chubby with green hair and eyes, wearing a black dress with sheer lace revealing colorful patterns on her shoulders, chest, and back without appearing risque. Her arms, neck, and legs were conspicuously bare of tattoos. She carried herself like someone comfortable in their own skin. Surreal.

Oh! Hello! She offered them a smile. Didn’t see you there. Her green eyes drifted over Rei’s apron. She’s forgotten to take it off. You work right here at Beyond Alteo?

No worries. Yes, I’m the owner actually. I’m, uh, Rei. Just Rei.

Ah, how rude of me, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Midoriya Inko, nice to meet you. Her round face was soft and welcoming. This is my parlor. She said proudly.

Midoriya? Shouto blurted out suddenly, eyes wide.

Hm? Yes. Inko turned to him. Do I- oh. You’re him. She narrowed her eyes in recognition. Todoroki Shouto-kun. You fought my son during the Sports Festival.

Y-yeah, I did. Shouto looked nervous. Understandable. Rei had watched the fight after all. A seed of suspicion before to take root in her chest. If it had been her son injured in their match...

Are you alright? Inko asked to their surprise.

I- I’m okay.

I heard about Hosu. Are you healed properly? Have you been eating enough? My son said you eat very little- he eats me out of house and home so his idea about what constitutes regular portions is a bit skewed but he seems really worried about you so I thought I’d ask. Ah, if that’s okay?

It’s... fine. My wounds are healed. I’m eating, uh, everyday?

We’re going out for dinner right now. Rei said. Hm, she would have to see if he was in fact eating enough for a boy his age. She’d compare to Natsuo for reference.

Midoriya-san, your son... talks about me? Shouto asked.

Oh, all the time. Everyday it’s Todoroki-kun this, Todoroki-kun that. He’s been so worried about you! Especially since the, well, the news. And Hosu. He said you’ve been busy with family matters- and I won’t pry- so he hasn’t had the chance to talk to you in a while. So you mind if I tell him you’re doing okay?

Everyday? He seemed to whisper to himself. No, t-that’s okay. Yeah. Um, has he said anything else?

Ah... Just that he’s worried about where you’re staying and if you feel comfortable there. We have a spare bedroom and he wants you to know you’re welcome to it if you need it. It’s alright with me of course.

Shouto’s jaw dropped as his cheeks pinked again, and he dropped his face to hide behind his bangs. He clutched his hands to his chest. O-oh.

Shouto is staying with his sister for the time being. He was telling me how much he likes it. Rei replied when it was clear Shouto wasn’t going to. Thank you for the concern. Please thank your son for his thoughts. I’m glad that someone outside of the family is looking out for him.

Shouto flinched from behind his mother.

Inko smiled. I will. He’ll be so relieved. She spared a look to her watch and gasped. Oh gosh, I just meant to get some fresh air but I’ve kept you from your plans! Sorry! She opened the door to return to her business. It’s been wonderful talking to you. I know the hours are a bit unusual but feel free to stop by anytime with your boy! It’ll be nice to have a friend in the neighborhood.

Rei felt a flutter of something soft and fuzzy from her hairline to her toes. A friend? ...when was the last time she had one of those? Before Enji. After, most of her friends had gone on to actually make use of their hero certification and were too cowed by his political and social capital to heed her plight. None of them had reached out to her in years. The children were great comfort but they had their own lives. Maybe... should she? Oh it’s been a bit, should probably respond sometime this year- Yes!

Inko blinked at her loud answer.

Erm, Rei flushed, y-yes, I’d like that.

Inko’s smile widened into a 1000-megawatt grin that almost seemed to dull the lights from the within the parlor in comparison. We’re open earlier on the weekends. You could come by then if it’s better for you.

I will, I think. Yeah.

(This was supposed to be a short headcannon and now the animal is loose. I’ll expand from here and post link to AO3 when it’s done. Does anyone want to read more??? Let me know!!

Shouto felt betrayed and protective over his mama so he raged a bit. Izuku can understand why but it definitely hurt and he’s been avoiding Shouto- which Shouto now feels regret about. They’ll make up don’t worry.

Rei and Inko are gonna be nearly as dumb as their sons and I think it’ll be fun.

TLDR: tattoo artist!Inko x flower shop owner!Rei get together AU, still quirks and hero-sons. the name of Rei’s shop has meaning. inko’s almost as cool as she seems yo)

[fragmentedink-archived]

oops nik odds 🤷‍♀️

UR VALID ANON

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Nik’s full name is Nikolas Isaac Arwaine

Nikolas means ‘victory of the people’ Isaac means ‘laughter’ and Arwaine, I took the Celtic god of the dead Arwan and added a few letters :)

It was chosen bec when i orginally was writing him, he was inspired by Nikolai Lant/sov in Grisha.

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

Nik had,,, an interesting childhood. HIs father wasn’t,,, outwardly abusive, perse. But he did lock his kids in places to get out (he broke nates hand bec nate wouldnt stop drawing). His mom taught him how to lie and his parents gave him whatever he wanted besides the one thing he Really wanted

He has fond memories of Adrien and his ohter brothers taking him to the ocean. He had fond memories of hanging out with Nate in Nates studio. One of his fave memories is Nate putting face paint on his face when he was a lil birb

A bad memory he has is getting so afraid of not being able to get out of a room, he threw himself into a panic attack and he was shaking and crying so hard that his dad was so damn disappointed in him that he didnt talk to Nik for a Long Time

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

he had Three (3) sibs. Blake, Adrien and Nate. 

He has a fairly easy going relationship with Blake and Nate. Tho he butts heads with Adrien a Lot. Blake and Nate’s relationship with Nik is kinda the same growing up, tho his and Adrien’s change. Nik used to idolize Adrien, now they just fight all the time

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

Nik,,, had more superficial friends than Friend Friends. People liked his money and his influence more than they liked him. Tho he is a very infectious person, so he probably does have friends, theyre just awful people who are flighty when things go Wrong

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

y’know I think Nik does like animals!! he likes all kinds of animals and would like a pet snake or spider but IM NOT GIVING HIM EITHER. He tries to pet Bay’s pet kitten but she claws the hell out of him :(

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?the main requirement that Nik has is that he doesn’t like his food touching. He doesnt mind mixing his foods, like hot dogs and mac and cheese, but he doesn’t like them touching. He is also allergic to strawberries ;-;

13. What is their least favourite food?

peanut butter

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

Nik is actually very good at cooking!! Most of the time he hates it unless hes making something Big or baking something with Cameron, who stress bakes. Cameron secretly likes his cooking but he wont admit it

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

oh hell yeah!! Nik loves taking nudes pictures and sending them to cameron. His cell phone (if he had one) would be full of random pics of people and of places. MUCH PICTURES OF THE OCEAN. He has a bunch saved on his phone and he has some in photo albums and such

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

mmmm i think nonfiction would bore him, especially for industrial revolution area. I think he would actually really like scyfi and action. Absolutely would love anything that was just fast and action packed. he would fucking LOVE deadpool

Nik: if he backtalks he gets his head cut off but he comes back from the dead. if i backtalk im just DEAD. not fair :(

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Nik absolUTELY has a temper. Its quick, its hot and he often makes an ass of himself. He’s not patient. He has,,, some patience, I guess. Where it counts. But it’s nowhere near as long as Nate’s.

When he loses his temper people get wounded or just DEAD. or he just makes an ass out of himself and has to apologize

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

Nik has a somewhat good memory. HIs long term memory is much better tho. He’s much more visual and is better with faces.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?

NIk has the most juvinle sense of humor lol. But he also has a really fucking dark sense of humor when it calls for it. If someone is bleeding out, and they deserved it, hed laugh

well. he certainly thinks hes funny

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Nik,,, doesn’t really get sad. He gets pissed. He tries hiding his tears, and he tries to not cry. He shoves negative emotions down so much (which is actually why hes such an angry dude :/)

WHen he does break down and cry Cam,,, tries to be comforting with him. They can get surprisingly soft

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? 

mmmm it would depend on the fear. Like if it was as Genuine fear (like his is) he wouldn’t tease them. But like,,, if it was something stupid hed absoluTELY tease them for it. He would get kinda protective about it, and would tell whoever it was bothering them to fuck off and leave them alone

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?

DOES NIK DRINK LMAOOO YES YES HE DOES

Nik is mostly a cheerful drunk and hes a fucking idiot while hes drunk. Also is very slutty when hes drunk (tho when isnt he???)

Nik: hungover? I don’t know her. i just start drinking againMe: Nik pls

When ohter people are drunk hes,,, pretty relaxed about it and help them from making an ass out of themselves (tho tbh he would absolutely record them being an idiot). He would try to pry someone off him if they tried to undress him

Nik: yes yes i know i am hot. But unfortunately my conscious would not sit well if i took advantage of the situation :(

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

Nik doesn’t wear underwear. 

Tho he has been known to try on lacy panties ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Nik: don’t judge they’re surprisingly comfy and make my ass look GREAT

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure? 

ok Nik doesn’t have guilty pleasures. hes not going to feel guilty for likeing the things he does. His total unguilty pleausres is trashy television shows. He lovesss binge watching say yes to the dress for fucking hours while sprawled out on the couch eating oreos and stoned

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?

Nik,,,, is not fond of reading. He is Dyslexic and he doesn’t like sitting still or being forced to focus. Tho,,, i think he might read, depending on what he was reading. 

fiction, absolutely fiction

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

mmmmmmmmmm messaging and emails. Much better bec he can read them better. Tho, he does like letters every now and then. Especially if theyre like,,, looove letters 

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

He is a slutty, slutty bisexual, my dude. Nik has a hand kink. he finds slender hands attractive. he likes,,,, cool eyes?? if that makes sense?? He finds people who are kinda,,, not,,, cold cold but cool and calmness attractive. That cool confidence, like a sheet of almost frozen water.

He finds delicate features attractive. Like fine bones, not brashness. Sharp as glass cheekbones, slender hands. Tall, not,,, too much muscle. (am i describing Cameron? MAYBE SO) NIk, upon meeting Cameron: oh no hes not

mentally, he finds confidence attractive. he finds assertiveness and dominance attractive. He likes someone who can command a fucking presence. He finds passion attractive. Someone that is so passionate and so devoted to something/one attractive

What does he like? he likes someone that will meet him halfway, who will want him, and that he will be enough for them. He has a bit of an inferiority complex  and he thinks that people will just get tired of him and he wants- he NEEDS- someone that he will be enough for, that they arent going to just bolt when things get rough. Which,,, is interesting bec Cameron,,, is Cameron and hes going to want to control the situation who is afraid fo feeling anything for anyone

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

Nik,,,, acknowledges that there are gods. But i would not call him religious. If he were in modern day, he might MIGHT be spiritual but he will joke and be like dude, im going to hell.

He thinks of religious people, and nonreligious people the same way. Believe what you want to believe, but don’t shove it down my throat

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? 

A lot of people see him as a lost cause, as some druggie who is going nowhere other than down. Some think that he’s just,,, lost. HIs dad sees him as his Son who just needs tough love and the right pressure to Honor His Family

Nik,,, sees himself as a hot guy, whos shallow and with money. People dont like him, they like his money and what he can do for them. 

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?

mmmmmm Nik doesn’t like many formal occassions. He thinks theyre boring and people are fake as fuck. He Hates black tie wear and he only agrees to wear a tie if Cam uses it on him later ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

he hates chit chat but he does fucking love gossip. He’ll find a couple of people to hang out with and get the Dish

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

his lighter. Its a flip lighter with engravings on it, that Nate got him. He uses it when he gets anxious. That,,, is actually the reason Nate got it for him, tho Nate did not say that.

If nate said anything about Nik having any kind of disorder, Nik would shut him down instantly.

Tho, Nik does take it everywhere with him

[modharlow]

Today was one of those days again. The sky looked stormy yet shed no rain, the sun barely peeking out for a second before sheltering itself away. People were bustling about to do their everyday work, all seeming to enjoy themselves. Oh, how you wish that were you, but alas it was not. No, you were out here, passing through Valentine, because some sorry excuse of a father left the camp again. “Probably drunk off his ass again.” You lowly hissed out.

When Charles came up to Dutch and reported the missing man, the leaders eyes happened to fall on you to retrieve him. Fortunately he also sent Arthur with you. “I trust you kid,” Dutch started off as he lead you to your horse, “but not enough to believe you won’t kick Mr. Swanson’s ass.”

Well… at least he was cautious because he was right. If it had been just you, you would’ve beat the man black and blue—mostly out of anger but if you happen to fix whatever the hell was going on in that mans brain then that’d work fine too.

It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lied hands on him, though you never want “too far”. Given everything he’d done, or hasn’t done for better words, you going easy on him was a mercy.

”Aw, now now, little birdy,” Arthur’s voice cut through your thoughts, “I know that face. Don’t tell me you plannin’ on killin’ him this time?” His tone was joking but you couldn’t help the silent “and if I do?” that came out.

Letting out a whistle, the outlaw adjusted his hat. “You ever gonna tell me what’s the bad blood between you two?”

”On my deathbed, maybe.”

”Don’t be like that.” He replied, his tone growing soft. “He’s still your father. Doesn’t help that he’s always drunk, I know, but he’s tryin’.”

You swore you’ve never felt such hot rage boil deep inside your veins. Your knuckles turned white from your grip in the horses’ reins and your teeth clenched down to prevent you from shouting at your friend. “Arthur,” your voice was tense, just like your body, “don’t be defendin’ that man when you’ve no reason.”

The ride was silent now, save for the goodhearted people that said hello to either of you as you passed, until you both made it out of town.

Arthur let out a long sigh before taking lead and changing the direction you both were going. “C’mon, we’re gonna talk this out, you ‘nd me.”

”Arthur-”

”We’ll find him, trust me. We always do. Right now you just need to explain to me why the hell you hate his guts so much when neither of you even look at each other.”

You took note at the new destination. It was somewhere away from the roads, perfect for a private talk.

Now it was your turn to let out a long sigh. You didn’t say anything until you both ended up by some trees. From there Arthur got off his horse and motioned for you to do the same. When you did he sat both you down at the foot of a tree, perfectly protected from prying ears and the possible rain if it were to happen.

Leaning his head against the tree, Arthur spoke. “When you joined our camp you were so happy, so giddy. You didn’t have a care in the world. It was… nice. A nice change of pace.”

”I was young then. I didn’t understand anythin’.”

”What makes you think you understand now?”

Scoffing, you turned away from him brought your knees to your chest. Silently, you said, “I understand enough to know he’s a dead-beat dad.”

”Feel like elaboratin’?”

It became silent again. The horses were eating grass as the tree swayed itself side-to-side, birds flying overhead in a mixture of dull colors. All were unaware of the grief and burning hatred you held inside.

Taking in a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth, you started to pick at the dirt and rocks in the ground. “I was four when mama died.” You breathed out. “I didn’t know that’s what it was. Just thought she was nappin’, y’know? She’d always seemed so… tired.” You faintly turned to face Arthur. “Was like she lost her light.” A soft chuckle filled the moment. “Guess in the end… she did, huh?”

”I’m… Listen, I-”

”You wanna know how she died, Arthur?” You were facing him now, your face calm yet the grip you had on a spare rock from the ground said otherwise. “She used the exact mechanisms my father’s usin’ right now.” You turned your attention to the rock in your hands, fingers nimbly toying with it. “Turns out, you know, that she didn’t want a child. She wanted to be free… but was tied down because of me—and dad? Oh, well, he had his teachings to do. No, he could never come home on time or spend some moments with his only kid.” You tossed the rock away from you, your eyes narrowing to keep yourself at bay. “Don’t think he wanted a child either.”

”Now that ain’t true.” Arthur interjected before flinching slightly at your glare yet not faltering. “I dunno about your mama but Reverend loves you.”

”If he loved me then why the hell are we out here having to look for his sorry ass?!” You yelled, getting up from your spot and walking away a few steps. “If he loved me then why was he never there for me? When men would be lookin’ at me weirdly, or when kids would hurt me ‘cause I only had one parent? What about when I was almost kidnapped ‘cause his dumbass had a damn “meeting” to go too, huh?”

Arthur got up too with his hands held up in surrender as he took careful steps towards you. “Easy now. It’s okay. You’re okay.” But his words fell on deaf ears as you let your pent up emotions explode inside you.

”I was six when I learned what death was. I tried killin’ myself, then tried again a few months later. I was eight when I tried to talk to him only for him to push me away. I was nine when I ran away before comin’ back. It’s funny, you know, ‘cause it was like he didn’t notice I was gone.” You swallowed down the sob that desparely wanted to come out, instead letting whimpers leave your mouth. “I was fourteen when I realized he didn’t care for me. He never did, he only worries about himself—if you can even call whatever he’s doin’, “worrying”.”

You furiously wiped at your eyes, teeth eating away at your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying more. “Arthur. Arthur, I’m bein’ honest when I say this,” you took in a shaky breath, “I’ve dreamt of killin’ him. I’ve always felt free when I did it, too. It felt so refreshin’ to me. Was like chains were melted off and I could finally run again. It’s a feelin’ I chase after every time we have to look for him.”

When you looked up at Arthur with those vulnerable eyes, he was at a loss for words. He thinks back to his own memories of you being that happy-go-lucky kid he grew up with and felt his chest tighten. So was that all a facade so you could hide away your pain? How had he not noticed to sooner? Did anyone else know? Dutch? Hosea? You were close to those two but… did you ever really let them in?

”I’m… I’m sorry, I…” Those were not the words he wanted to say. Truly, he didn’t know what to say. He knew Swanson was not an ideal father but this—this is how you were treated? How you lived your life? “I don’t… know what to say.”

”No one ever does.”

After a short pause, Arthur felt his own anger begin to form when your died down. “Why the hell do we still keep him ‘round then? If he’s like this to you, then why don’t we just get rid of him? You’re the only one we really need. You hunt, fish, and you can even haggle someone almost as well as Hosea! He doesn’t do shit-”

”Arthur, I thank you for feelin’ my anger for me but it’s… I hate him, I do, but it’s more complex than that.” Now you felt bad for pulling your friend along with your emotions. You should’ve kept your mouth shut like you always had, only showing anger when it was just you and your dad alone.

Huffing, Arthur let his hands hold onto his belt as he leaned on his foot. “Well… we got all the time in the world for you to talk.”

While you dried off your wet face with your sleeve, you tried to formulate the correct words. “It’s… hard to explain. If he’s gone then… I’ll have no more blood-family. ‘Nd despite everythin’, well, he still let me go with him to join Dutch when he could’ve left me.” You voice trailed off, your eyes straying from the looks Arthur was giving you. “I-I know, okay? It’s idiotic for me to feel like this even after all that’s happened but I just—I can’t leave him to fend for himself. He lost his wife, ‘nd now I’m all that he has. Even if we don’t talk…”

”I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.” Arthur muttered as he took steps towards you. “I ain’t ever been in your boots so I guess I can’t say much but,” cautiously, he put his arms around you, “if you ever want his ass gone, just say so. Or if you… if you wanna leave ‘nd let him stay with the gang then… that’s alright. Just tell me beforehand, okay? I’d be mighty down if you up and left without a goodbye.”

You nodded your head while you returned the hug. Your eyelids stung and your body felt heavy from your outbursts of emotions, though you couldn’t deny how safe you felt right at this moment.

Closing your eyes, you let yourself get lost in the feeling of being openly loved by someone you held dear to you.

Arthur had been your first since you were first welcomed to the gang and a side of you berated yourself for keeping silent from him for so long. Still, within these moments, you felt alright. You felt… free. “I won’t leave. Not when I have someone like you lookin’ out for me.” You tried to bury yourself deep into his chest, wanting to stay with this comfort for much longer. Softly, you whispered out, “Thank you.”

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

chapter 11.5 -- okay, 12, it’s chapter 12, fine, fine. I should stop trying to predict how long my chapters will be. I’m always wrong. the Fae AU keeps escaping all my predictions. it’s fine. it’s cool. 

[Beginning] [Chapter Masterlist] [ao3]

It is not, as Apollo expects, the worst road trip he has ever been a part of. Trucy likes to sing along to the radio – she has a surprisingly good voice – which stops Clay from starting up his usual road trip tradition of bellowing out “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall” and seeing how much he can get through before someone slaps him. Trucy claimed shotgun, as “the woman with the magic map”, meaning Apollo is shunted to the back with Ema, who upends her bag on the floor to pull from it a jumbo-sized pack of Snackoos and offer a handful to him.

“None for us?” Clay asks, pouting in the rearview mirror.

“Backseat privileges,” Ema replies.

Trucy cranks the radio up as a familiar guitar riff begins.

If it’s extortion, it works; she and Clay have not finished the first verse, Trucy’s almost-operatic interpretation running up against Clay’s off-key warbling, before Ema is shoving the Snackoos up between their seats, offering a trade of chocolates for an end to the car-vibrating force of Guilty Love.

“Not a fan?” Clay asks.

Ema groans. So does Trucy. “Don’t get me started,” Ema says.

“Yeah, please don’t,” Trucy adds.

“He’s a pretentious fuckin’ diva who—”

Trucy begins yelling out the chorus to the song over the second verse emitting from the radio.

They are all still arguing – Ema berating Clay’s taste in music while Trucy moves into an attempt to sing My Boyfriend is the Prosecution’s Witness to the tune of Guilty Love and Apollo tries to turn the volatile atmosphere anywhere else – when the song ends. Trucy shushes everyone, violently, smacking Clay on the arm and then flailing back at Ema, and turns up the radio. A DJ is in the middle of saying something.

“—announced today on their social media. While fans are disappointed, no one can say that the break-up comes as a surprise, after the sentencing of guitarist Daryan Crescend for murder in July, and the three months of, ahem, radio silence that’s followed. And earlier this week, leader singer Klavier Gavin’s brother was indicted on a second count of murder – I can’t say I blame him for maybe wanting to duck out of the spotlight. Gavin’s brother was previously charged in April, for—”

Trucy changes the channel. A commercial for a local furniture outlet doesn’t help break the awkward spell fallen over them. “Yeah,” she says, after a full minute, during which time they discover their new channel is a country music channel. “No real surprise.”

“Brother and bandmate,” Clay says quietly. “Hell of a year.”

“Hell of a six months,” Apollo says. And he was there for all of it – he was there for more of it than Klavier ever was. Klavier wasn’t there in April, not when Kristoph fell, not when any of them could have had any idea what was ahead. How much magic would surround them.

“If my older sister had been convicted of murder, I was gonna crawl into the dirt and die,” Ema says, “so I’m with the fop on that one, actually.”

There is a worrying lack of hypotheticals in the second half of Ema’s scenario. No “would have”s. Like she was where Klavier is, but the trial had a different outcome, and the frozen expression on her face, her eyes gone blank, she looks like she has caught up with her own words. Said too much. Apollo doesn’t know much about her as a person, her life before failing the forensics exam, how it was that she knew Mr Wright, but he can sympathize with that fear of having given away too much, turned the conversation down a path that should stay blocked off.

“You have a sister?” Trucy asks, turning around in her seat. “You seemed kinda ‘only-child’ to me.’ “Yeah,” Ema says quietly. “Older sister. Her name’s Lana. We don’t… talk much.”

Apollo doesn’t know why the name feels like it strikes something in his brain, the way Ema’s did when she first introduced herself.

“Oh.” Trucy visibly wilts. “Sorry.”

Ema shrugs, slumping back against her seat, her arms folded. “It happens,” she says. Her eyes are glazed over, settled in Clay’s direction. Her mouth quirks in the beginnings of a smile. “She took me to the Space Museum once, not long after it first opened.” The wistful smile has grown a little larger. “Back when I didn’t know what kind of scientist I wanted to be, so I wanted to go everywhere, and she was like ‘Ema I’m not taking you to the fucking tar pits again, how about space?’, and—” She shakes her head. “Sorry. Your jacket got me thinking. Do you work there or something?”

And that is the question that Clay most likes to be asked, that or literally anything else ever about space, and that is the end of any of them getting a word in edgewise – but while Apollo’s heard it all before, Trucy has questions galore, and Ema sits forward, slowly losing the pretense of not being enraptured.

-

They have driven for over two hours by the time Trucy directs them to pull of the highway at an exit that tells them there is nothing for them that way but another 38 miles until Kurain Village. “Is that where the Fair Folk live?” Ema asks dryly, in her voice none of the nervousness that people tend to have. Apollo hasn’t spoken much with her about magic, doesn’t know what she thinks – but, well, she knows Phoenix. That’s clue enough that caution comes secondary.

“Not really,” Trucy says. “They just named it that. It’s part of our world. Sometimes some of the fae do show up and hang around, I think – Maya tried to convince Daddy to move out here, once, apparently, but he wouldn’t leave the office.”

“Who’s Maya?” Apollo asks. Sometimes he realizes how little he knows about Phoenix’s personal life, too.

“Daddy’s friend. She’s – wait, stop! Here! Turn down this road here!”

“This is not a road,” Clay says, hunching over the steering wheel. “This is some dirt, off the road, not even in the shape of a dirt road.”

The car groans as Clay turns it off of the asphalt into the dirt. Trucy pops open the door and stands, holding herself between the door and the car roof and turning her face to the sky and the no-longer-distant mountains looming above them. She says something, muffled, and points into the trees. “We’re close,” she says, ducking back inside the car. “Let’s park and go – we’re close.”

“Park right here?” Clay asks, raising a doubtful eyebrow.

“Barely anyone comes this way,” Trucy says. “Like, one bus, except I’m not even sure if this is on its route. It’s fine.”

“I’m more worried that this is some sort of sacred ground that we’re stomping on,” Clay says, but he turns the key and then smacks his head against the top of the wheel. “How much are we going to regret just walking out there?”

“Probably we won’t,” Trucy says. She flings the door open and jumps out, stretching her arms up into the air. “C’mon already!”

“So what are we doing now?” Ema asks, crumpling the Snackoos bag back into her bag and tumbling forth from the car like a liquid spilled. “Just walking into the woods until we find treasure or a bear?”

“We do have a map.” Trucy waves it at her. “But yes. That’s what we’re doing.” She lowers the page halfway to her side and then stops, tilting her head back. “I’ve been here before,” she says. “Grandpappy and I – sometime – sometime after my mom died.” She takes a few slow steps toward the treeline, her movements uneven, as in a daze. “It was just the two of us. And we came here, and we buried—” She spins around, eyes wide, looking at all and none of them. “We buried his grimoire.”

Without another word of warning, she dashes into the woods, sending them scrambling to catch up to her. It’s colder here than in the city, though Apollo didn’t think they went up too far in elevation. Leaves thickly coat the ground; do they hide rings of flowers beneath them or do those in their magic break through? They finally reach Trucy when she, focused on her map, walks straight into a tree and takes some time to properly reorient herself.

“Do you know why here, of all places?” Apollo asks. “Is it because of the mountains, and he was…?”

He stops. Does Trucy know what her grandfather was? Phoenix didn’t say. Of course he didn’t.

“He said this is where he landed,” Trucy replies, crunching a leaf beneath her foot. “He said he fell, and this is where he landed.”

“Was he—” Clay’s sense, that question that they all know they shouldn’t ask, that question that Apollo has asked again and again anyway, wars against curiosity, against more than wanting to know – needing to know, to understand what is Trucy’s family. “Was he, erm, one of – Them?”

He can’t even bring himself to offer up one of the epithets. This close to the mountains, Apollo isn’t sure that he could bring himself to speak of them plainly like he has learned to.

“Yeah,” Trucy says. “But I’m human. Don’t worry.” She flashes a grin, one of her usual grins, but it is tempered by the speed with which is vanishes from her face again, replaced by a frown of concentration. “I think we must be close, but not quite yet.”

“Hey, Trucy?” Ema asks. She pushes a branch out of the way and it snaps back to nearly strike Clay in the face. “Not to pry, but – if your grandfather was one of the Fair Folk, are you the changeling, or was it your mother?”

Trucy stops.

“Wait,” Ema says. “Not a changeling – that’s the fae child. The human kid, the one swapped out. Is there a word for that?”

“I don’t think so,” Trucy says. She hops over a log. “I don’t think there’s a name for people like that.”

She doesn’t answer the first question. Maybe she doesn’t know, either.

“When you say you buried it,” Apollo says, aware that there is nothing subtle about this lifeline he is throwing to pull her away from questions best left avoided (am I a child stolen away, raised by the fae? Did they take me from the life I should have had?), “have we come all this way to be foiled for want of a shovel?”

“Oh fuck,” Trucy says.

“Hey!” Ema barks, her sharp rebuke the manifestation of that urge Apollo feels to scold her for that. “Language, young missy!” She folds her arms across her chest, her glare a fond one. “Where did you learn that?”

“My daddy’s a card shark,” Trucy says, countering Ema with a smug grin of her own.

“I thought he was a piano player,” Clay says.

“Only because you’ve never heard him play,” Trucy replies. “Easy mistake to make.”

“Considering it was all magic that hid the map,” Ema says, with nary a pause to acclimate everyone to the idea of throwing the conversation back past that latest sharp turn, “wouldn’t it be magic to hide it again, logically speaking?”

“Where’s the logic here?” Clay asks. Ema snaps a twig off a bush and flicks it at him. “And I mean, if it’s just covered up with some illusion, couldn’t anyone stumble into it?”

“Maybe it takes the map, too,” Apollo says. “Or maybe only a Gramarye can unveil it.”

He steps up onto a tree stump, like the extra five inches can grant him some kind of special insight or a better view in the forest of brown. Then he is falling, the wood rot giving way beneath his foot, a sharp jolt running up his leg from the twist of his foot. “Shit!”

Trucy winces. “Ouch. Poor Polly. I—”

“Apollo,” Ema says, very seriously, but somewhat muffled by her hand over her mouth. “Move. Move right now.”

“What?” He sits up, dislodging his foot from the stump, and looks about himself. The forest floor of dead leaves has cleared, as though by a strong, concentrated wind, revealing browned dead grass encased by a perfect circle of blue flowers. “Oh. Oh shit.”

Without an ounce of grace, still on his hands and knees, he scrambles and rolls his way out of the faery ring. “So according to the map,” Trucy says, and above his head Apollo hears the flutter of the paper, “I think we found it.”

“Only a Gramarye, huh,” Clay says dryly.

“That was only supposition!”

“So who’s gonna stick their hand in a rotten tree stump?” Ema asks, producing a flashlight from her bag and shining the beam down into it. “I volunteer Trucy, because she’s wearing gloves, and is our Gramarye.”

Trucy kicks up the leaves on her approach, searching for hints of another ring around the stump, more than just Apollo’s that sits adjacent to it. “If I get bit by a squirrel and get rabies and die, it’s your fault,” she says, kneeling down next to the stump and brushing her hair back to peer down into it.

“Statistically, your chance of getting rabies from a squirrel is negligible,” Ema says. “That shouldn’t be your worry.”

“What should I worry about, then?” Trucy asks. “Can you bring the light a little closer?”

“Bats, racoons, foxes, feral cats and dogs, and right now, probably non-rabies Fair Folk curses, since we’re fucking around by a ring.”

“I’m still concerned about bears,” Clay says.

“I’m not,” Ema says. “I’ve already got my plan, which is to trip you into its path.”

“General ‘you’, or me, specifically?”

“You specifically. Nothing personal, though. I just know Trucy and Apollo better than you.”

“This is way heavier than I thought,” Trucy says, falling off-balance and dropping something dark and rectangular. “Oof! Okay. Okay. We got it!” She lifts it up onto her knees, a thick book with a black cover and a character emblazoned in flowing purple script on it. “I knew I remembered this.” Her voice is quieter as she opens the book and flips through the rough-edged pages. “Grandpappy’s grimoire.” She closes the cover again, reverently, and keeps it balanced on her legs as she turns back to the stump. “Light again, please. I thought I saw something else.” Trucy has her head nearly in the hole, which can’t help her with her light situation, and she sits back and plunges her hand in again. “Yep! This is a – a funny-looking magatama?”

She holds it up, the blue stone sparkling in the flashlight beam, but also seemingly with its own interior glow, and Apollo gasps.

Three sets of eyes turn to him.

“That’s a mitamah,” he says, and to his own ears he sounds like he’s choking, but he feels like he’s choking too, and maybe the others don’t notice but he doubts it. “That’s someone’s soul.”

Trucy drops it into the leaves.

“What?” Clay looks suspicious – Trucy looks horrified. “How do you know?”

(“There’s no reason to give away your soul,” Dhurke told them, sternly, the sternest he ever got. “Never.” And then they tried to argue, to come up with reasons, because of course they did, and he hugged them both close. “You’ll make great lawyers someday, always looking for reasons and other ways, but this one – promise me. Nahyuta. Apollo.” He prodded each of them in the chest. “Don’t let someone else get their hands on your soul.”)

“The tail of it is different.” Apollo picks it up, brushing off the dirt and leaf particles that cling to it, and points to the longer, squiggling protrusion that extends from the loop. It doesn’t fully connect like a magatama, either, more like a hook than a circle.

It feels warm in his hand, humming through his fingers and up into his ears. It reminds him of the office – familiar, but disturbing, because there is no reason that it should feel so familiar and comforting.

“Could it be your grandfather’s?” Ema asks.

“Wouldn’t that mean he’s still alive?” Clay asks. “Is that possible?”

“It couldn’t be,” Apollo says. If he stares at the mitamah he thinks he can see flecks of gold within the blue, like stars on a constellation chart. “The Fair Folk don’t have souls like we do. They can’t sell them or manifest them like this.”

“Is that why they want human souls?” Ema asks.

“How do you know?” Clay repeats.

Apollo’s heart has stoppered up his throat.

“It makes them stronger,” Trucy says softly. “When they buy names, or souls, it makes their magic stronger. But this – this can’t be that.” She hugs the grimoire up to her chest. “It can’t just be that.”

“Should we just… put it back?” Ema asks. “Someone’s probably looking for it, right?”

“It’s been seven years and no one has come before us,” Apollo says. The humming isn’t as steady now, seems more like a song, and familiar, damned familiar. “No, we can’t just leave her here.”

In the silence, even the song seems to stop. “What?” Apollo asks. Their three sets of eyes are on him again, even more piercing, Trucy’s wide and Clay’s narrowed and Ema’s narrowing too.

“‘Her’?” Ema repeats. “Why ‘her’?”

“I…” Apollo swallows his heart. “I don’t know, but I… I know?”

“I don’t think you should be holding that in your bare hands,” Clay says.

But the alternative seems to be dropping her in the dirt again, and Apollo’s fingers curl tighter around the stone. He can’t do that, either. Trucy unties her scarf from around her neck and silently passes it to him, letting him wrap the stone up in the red fabric and then cradle it close again. The song thrumming in his ears ceases. “I guess we should take it to Mr Wright and ask him if he knows what to do,” Ema says. “He’ll know what to do with it. Her?”

Trucy’s gaze is unfocused, her head slowly drifting away from the horizon back toward the stump. “Trucy?” Apollo asks. “Are you okay?”

“He wouldn’t do that,” she says. “Just buy up someone’s soul all for himself. He wouldn’t. There had to be some other reason. It wasn’t just power, there had to be a good reason.”

(“There’s no reason,” Dhurke said. “Never.”)

“He gave me magic, as a gift,” Trucy says. “He was a good man.” She looks up at Apollo, blinking her blue eyes furiously. “Wasn’t he?”

-

It takes them another forty-five minutes to stumble out of the woods and find Clay’s car again. Ema makes everyone nervous talking about the odds of them stumbling across a body decomposing in the undergrowth – “I have zero desire to ever get caught up in one of your murder investigations,” Clay says, picking up a branch from the bushes and brandishing it like a baseball bat – and bears. The two of them are at least doing a good job of filling the silence left by Trucy, uncomfortably quiet, walking in a trace. Apollo tugs her by the arm out of the way of trees. He could put the mitamah in his pocket but hasn’t, has kept it held close to his chest.

The story that Phoenix spun of the Gramaryes is gnawing at him. A woman, on the bad end of a deal with Magnifi – Apollo doesn’t want to think about the possibility.

(Trucy must be thinking about the possibility, mustn’t she?)

She crawls into the back seat of the car, depositing the grimoire in the middle, and Ema makes a mad dash for the front seat, leaving Apollo to sit on the other side of the grimoire, separated by it from Trucy. The only time she speaks is to call Phoenix and ask him if he is at the office – he is, because she directs Clay to go back to the office.

It is a long, quiet ride home, some subdued conversation between Ema and Clay about their fields of science rising over the country music still on the radio. Trucy taps Apollo’s hand and beckons him to hand her the mitamah. She takes off one of her gloves and weighs it in her hand with an ever-deepening frown until she wraps it back up and passes it back to Apollo.

Ema shouts “Yellow car!” and hits Clay on the shoulder. He hits her back and tells her that she needs to specify no punch-backs next time.

-

Phoenix is sitting on the floor leaning against the couch with two notebooks and a stack of papers spread out in front of him, the coffee table shoved to the side, a pencil in his mouth and another tucked behind his ear, when they stagger into the office. Apollo is mediating an argument about the merits of Eldoon’s for a late lunch – Ema does not want to brave it, while Clay wants nothing more than to do so. Phoenix does not look up.

“Hey, Daddy,” Trucy says wearily.

His head snaps up, dislodging the pencil behind his ear. “What’s wrong?”

“You always complain about your back hurting, and now look what you’re doing.” Trucy’s words sound forced through a smile. Phoenix’s frown deepens. He watches Trucy walk past him to deposit the grimoire on his desk.

“We went looking into the envelope you gave her the other day,” Apollo says. “The real last page.”

Phoenix doesn’t look back from Trucy right away. “A full expedition team, huh?” he asks, raising one eyebrow as he looks over Ema and Clay. “Who’s this?”

“Er, oh, yeah. I’m Clay Terran. Apollo’s roommate.” Clay points with his thumb at Apollo, even though they all know there is only one Apollo that they know. “You’re Mr Wright, yeah?” He doesn’t do a good job of feigning enthusiasm.

“I know that look,” Phoenix says, standing with a wince and an audible crack of some of his joints. “That’s the ‘I’ve heard about you and it’s nothing good’ look.” He lets Clay splutter for a full two seconds before he grins crookedly and adds, “That’s fair.” Almost immediately, his expression flattens out to something stern and almost entirely foreign. “Trucy,” he calls. “What’s wrong?”

“We found my grandfather’s grimoire,” she says, sitting on the desk and holding it up, only for it to slip from her hands and crash to the floor. “And Polly has the other thing that was with it.”

Apollo unwraps the mitamah.

Has he ever seen Phoenix surprised? The man spent seven years an unbeaten poker player, and this past half-year absolutely inscrutable to Apollo’s eyes. There is nothing controlled in his reaction; his mouth falls open and his eyes go wide, turning blue immediately and staying blue, horror apparent in how they linger on the mitamah. “Oh,” he breathes. “That is – yeah.”

He reaches forward with trembling hands and scoops up the scarf spread across Apollo’s hands. He holds it cradled close, too, his free hand cupped beneath the one holding it, prepared to catch the stone should it slip, but still not having touched it with bare skin. “So,” he says. “The ‘source’ of Magnifi’s magic – that grimoire, and this soul.”

“But,” Trucy says, “that…” She stops. She chews on the inside of her cheek. Mr Hat, the wisp, is visible, bobbing frenetically around her shoulders. “It’s…” Her shoulders slump. “Do you know what to do with that, Daddy? Is there a way to know what person a soul belongs to?”

“Not from looking only at the mitamah,” Phoenix answers. His eyes still hollow blue when he turns them back to Trucy. “I am not particularly familiar with mitamahs, honestly, but I’ll look into it and see what I can do to get it back to her.” He takes the stone in one hand and offers Trucy her scarf back. “If the fae who has possession of a soul is still alive, they can just give it back – not that many are willing to, mind – but since he’s dead – well.” He shakes his head. “Thank you, though. For helping Trucy, and bringing this back.”

It’s a firm end to the conversation, not that Apollo knows what more to ask about a soul. Ema, though, is frowning, her arms crossed, her mouth twisting like she is puzzling out something. “We were gonna go get noodles at Eldoon’s,” Apollo says. “If – if you wanted to come, Trucy.”

“Oh!” She looks surprised, like she hadn’t expected to be addressed. “Um.” Her heels bounce against the desk. “Thanks, but I’m okay.”

Her hands, curled around the edge of the desk, shine red. Apollo doesn’t even need that to know she’s lying.

-

“We all agree she’s not okay, right?” Clay asks.

They were silent for a block down from the office, Ema not even complaining about losing the Eldoon’s battle. (Apollo was prepared to tell her that she didn’t have to come, but she had attached herself to them without a cursory protest.)

“Definitely not,” Ema says. “I guess she doesn’t want to believe that her grandfather was the double-dealing type of Folk – which, I’ve read the case file on his death, I’d believe that about him in a hot second. There’s nothing worse than a blackmailer like that. Also.” She plants herself firmly in the sidewalk. Apollo and Clay both bump into her. “None of us referred to the mitamah as ‘she’ or ‘her’, right? Like you were, Apollo.”

“None of us but Trucy even talked about it,” Apollo says. Clay nods. “Why?”

“Because Mr Wright did.” Ema’s forehead creases. “He said he would ‘get it back to her’. He wasn’t even touching it, was he?” Apollo shrugs. Ema shrugs too. “He knows something. More than he said.”

“He always does,” Apollo says.

They reach Eldoon’s, and Ema says that it’s weird to see the stand without a corpse attached. The look that Clay gives her makes her and Apollo both laugh. Once they have their noodles, they walk another few blocks to People Park and find a bench not far from where the noodle-stand crime scene once stood. Apollo has learned to be grateful for the mouthfuls of broth that taste of so much salt to sting. It feels a little more like safety, like salt across a doorway.

He starts to say what he’s thinking, that Trucy might be worried that the mitamah is her mother’s, or at least he is, but the words die on his tongue, shriveled by the salt. He doesn’t feel right to tell Clay and Ema about Trucy’s mother’s death, when he has no idea if Trucy knows or not. Phoenix has made him the guardian of family secrets that aren’t his and something about that feels wrong. Maybe necessary in some way, to understand the case, to understand what happened with Kristoph, but still wrong.

Instead, he helps Ema explain to Clay her earlier comments about Magnifi and blackmail. You can’t refuse, and we both know the reason why – Trucy can’t know he did that. She seemed to idolize him. What a hard way to fall.

He’ll text her tomorrow, Apollo decides. Check in, see how she’s doing.

(There’s probably someone else he should check in with, too, the events of this week all considered.)

[frontbottoms-babe]

thoughts

last night after joeys parents went to bed we rolled around on the floor tickling each other and laughing and i asked him about what he was thinking when we first started talking and he said he knew he wanted to get to know me more and spend as much time as possible with me but i get so nervous because i feel like i saw him and almost immediately knew i wanted him in my life in some way and thats why we are where we are, because of me. so i asked him about the night after we kissed and touched for the first time (the night right after spring break) and how the next morning when we talked about it he seemed so aloof and it scared me because i didnt want to mess anything up. joey told me he didnt know what i was feeling and didnt want to seem like he was interested in me if all i wanted was a fling and that sometimes after a hookup theres one person whose obsessed and one person who just wanted something physical and i just wanted to hug him because this boy deserves to feel so loved. why feel the need to hide what youre thinking just because i might be feeling something different? i remember being so straight up with him even after i was scared that he might not be actually interested in something real with me, and how quickly he changed and started talking about the next time we would see each other. sometimes it hits me just how different we are, especially when it comes to expressing emotions. he’s such a closed book that i want to pry open because im so incredibly open myself, not just to people i love but to everybody, and sometimes its hard to be so close with someone who wont give back what im putting in.

we moved to my bed and we were cuddling and touching and kissing and he pulled back and told me that sometimes its hard for him to express how hes feeling and what hes thinking to me because nobody has ever made him do that before and that i need to be cognizant of that. and i told him that sometimes its difficult to know what hes thinking just by reading his face or actions and that i get worried and have to ask. like yes, i can tell that you adore me when you are always touching me lightly and letting me know youre there and how you always put your hand on my knee under the table while we’re at dinner with your parents and when you compliment me about things that matter it lets me know you like me for who i am but there are some things i cant just automatically know from actions alone. i know im special to him because he tells me, but theres no way i can know the answer to “is this relationship a thing because i wanted it or because you wanted it too?” without asking. and im so glad we had that little talk because its a compromise, and a learning curve, and i just gush up with feeling whenever i am close to him. we visited the house his parents are building and right now its all wood and nails and pipes and concrete but as we were walking through he told me that ill have to come back when its all finished and we both know thats months and months from now. and itll be even farther from now when ill actually be able to visit. we both know this, and yet hes saying that and telling me he wants me around. and last week when he told me he wants to visit me in edinburgh and india my heart squeezed. you really want something real and long term with me, dont you? not just for now, you want us. since that first night, we havent gone 48 hours without seeing other and im scared sick of what will happen over the summer, or while im in edinburgh... i dont want to ruin anything by trying to do long distance with someone i havent really known that long, even though he feels like an old friend. i dont want to lose him. i LOVE his family and jeez, i think im beginning to really fall in love with him and i dont want to ruin something so real and so precious.

[faithissometimesnice]

Ok bare with me

This is a story? I guess? That I did for a OC I created and I'm posting it here because well. I guess I need to try being a bit more bold. But I'm scared and nervous so. WARNING! Hints of abuse, slavery, sexual assault, suicide and rape. So if that makes you uncomfortable please just scroll past. Welp here I go.

She coughs face pressed to the floor on her side. Covered in soot and reeking of smoke, more black than anything. She looks around with blurry eyes. A dimly light room with a mattress on the floor, a single light, and no windows. What happened? Were is everyone? She groans and coughs pushing herself up onto her elbow. A door with a slot underneath. Now shes nervous.

The door flys open with a bang and large man walks in and grabs her by her hair pulling her out. She reaches up with a Yelp trying to pry the fingers loose.

He enters a white tiled room and let's go simply to grab her wrist and reaches up chaining them to the hook in the center of the room. She twists and pulls trying to get her wrists out. He grunts and starts cutting her clothes off. She lets out a shout twisting away from the scissors. He simply yanks the chain so shes just barely touching the floor.

She let's out a cry as her shoulder hold her weight. The rest of her clothes now in a pile on the floor. She hisses glaring. He simply raises an eyebrow and walks over to the wall. He turns a knob and moves behind her. She twists trying to see what he was doing but cant quiet make it.

The sound of water and then icy cold is blasted onto her back. She gasps arching away from it but it does no good as the harsh cold water is sprayed at her, making her skin red from the cold and pressure hitting her.

It moves to her front hitting her in the face. She clenches her eyes shut sputtering. She turns her head only to get a blast to her temple, making her head throb.

The water turns off and she gasps catching her breath and shaking from the cold. He walks over and unhooks her letting her fall to the floor on numb legs. He picks her up completely naked and carries her back to the room? Cell? And dumps her on the bed.

She snarls and tries again. The big man sighs and reaches into his pocket and just before she makes it to the door shes pulled back by her hair and a needle pressed into her neck and before she realizes it the world goes black.

The next few days are a blur the world hazy muffled and mixed as shes lead dragged and pulled around. She has no idea her mind seemingly numb, eyes glazed and unfocused.

She goes to mechanically eat before something makes her stop. She looks down and after a long while puts in back on the tray and dumps in down the toilet. She does this for a few days and slowly the fog starts to clear.

She looks down at her self disgusted at the marks and bruises she has no recollection of getting, everything hurt though and she closes her eyes curling up. Shes only heard of these types of things, she never though she'd... she crosses her arms over her legs and buries her face in them.

The days start to blend together, faces, so many many faces, different yet the same, the same sneer the same smug look of satisfaction after everytime. She tries to push it away, ignor it, thinking about it doesnt help. But it changes. Someone didnt follow the rules. She pukes again, thin shoulders shaking, this is the third morning in a row shes done this and shes starting to worry.

A week, it's been a week and still every morning shes up body rejecting what little she did eat. What is going on? But she dares not let them know. Shes heard the sounds coming from that back room and wants no part of it, she'd rather die first.

A month, she notices the slight bump, only because her stomach has always been flat as a board and it's only gotten worse, but now, now it's not and she starts to worry more, what is this?

Another, now its noticable to everyone and shes starting to get looks when she is taken. She sits curled in a corner, it can only be one thing. She sobs quietly so no one hears. No nononono. Please no. Dont let it be that please.

She feels something and weeps. No.

She lays curled up a few days later and the door opens, the big man walks in and without a word grabs her upper arm and starts pulling her to the door. She claws and pulls. No not that door. He just grips tighter, fingers digging into her skin, tearing it.

She claws at him harder eyes wide as he pushes the door open. She twists and pulls feet scrabbling over the cold smooth tiles trying to find purchase on it, but is no match against the huge man. He pulls her in and shuts the door, hands still clamped down on her wrist.

Another man, face hidden behind a mask looks up over glasses and he waves him to the table at the center of the room.

She whines still trying to get away.

He swings her up and quickly straps her down, she falls limp, giving up.

He grabs a wand turning the monitor on and disintrested looks and nods. Its tilted just right for her to see the small body and her eyes fill with tears. She starts thrashing again, arching up and tugging trying to get loose, to get free to save them both, the leather biting in and tearing flesh. The masked figure grumbles and grabs a syring and plunges it into her neck hard enough to bruise. She gasps world falling to black.

Three days and shes curled up, blood running down her legs as she clutches her belly and sobs.

It blurs again, she gives up. This is her existence now, it's not life, shes just existing, why? She has no idea. It would be fairly easy to end it. The nail sticking out of the wall would work with enough effort. So could the wall for that matter, maybe the blankets?

The sudden image of her aunt rala comes to mind, than her mom, dad, her cousins, her uncle ghoul and aunt mae and andy, and... and Tom. Tears well up, her chest constricts and her breath hitch. She hasnt thought about them in so long, why? Why now?

She looks down and brushes her thumb over the knot on her wrist, several people have commented on it. Saying disgusting things about how it made her look. But despite that, it's something that still made her smile.

She makes up her mind. She wont die, she wont give them the satisfaction of seeing her break, not again. She grits her teeth and starts planning her escape with a focus even her aunt would be proud of.

THERE IM SORRY ITS SO LONG. BUT I WAS REALLY PROUD OF IT AND WANTED TO SHARE.

@dumbasticbirb @kitnkas @thedoctorofsteel @rennykae @antisocials-social

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Worth leaving your park for? Carly: fun Carly: he likes you more but its k cuz so do i Ali: nah Ali: he was so 😍 for the whole sitch I thought he might genuinely explode on sight Ali: it was fun tho, you were so good Carly: that would've been disappointing Carly: he was better than i thought hed be Carly: lads that cocky dont usually come through Carly: youre always good Ali: yeah, i'll give him that Ali: obviously overhyped himself but all lads do Ali: worth it to see my baby work it Ali: and i hope not 😉 Ali: though u can tell my Ma that, get me off the hook, like Carly: not just lads me too Carly: never seen you play someone like that before tho Carly: we gonna try this on caleb next or Carly: she scares me more than your ex but still would Carly: for you my baby Ali: how can you, you're perfect Ali: i know, crossing lads but not each other back then, babe Ali: not mad, not exactly my finest hour but wouldn't hate having met you sooner Ali: idk if it'd work on him Ali: he's not as dumb as Drew, bless him 😘 Ali: felt weird being at his house, woulda died if any of them had come back, like 😂 Ali: never mind my Ma, have you ever seen his? Carly: you're too sweet Carly: i kno cuz you wanna treat him nice like you do me Carly: not how you did drew hot as that was tho Carly: nah thats the first time ive been there & mas w sons give me space like Carly: sorry we should have brought him back to here my bad Ali: blah shut up 😏 Ali: obvs I wanna ride him too but idk Ali: gives off #loyal vibes to me so probs not a goer Ali: Well you know, had to show you what a real girl on girl on boy threesome was all about, boo Ali: nah, it added to the experience Ali: whatever it was, it wasn't boring Carly: i kno that he gives off 😍 for you Carly: & you like him Carly: catch you in his room collecting hair or w ever to put a spell on the boy Carly: when you could just do it the easy way Carly: aw never boring when im w you girl Carly: youve shown me a lot Ali: There's definitely attraction but I don't really know him Ali: Only see some people at parties, he's one of 'em Ali: like you said, we didn't properly SEE each other 'til now, did we? same kinda vibe Ali: my rep proceeds me 💀 Ali: where's the fun in easy? Ali: besides, I'm with you, and you're so fucking cute Ali: who else I need Carly: k but if you want him to see you you've gotta get out there Carly: if you can turn me you can make him forget your rep Carly: got the magic baby you kno Carly: you're cuter Carly: making me blush Ali: you're right Ali: work on being MORE extra Ali: the world ain't ready 😉 Carly: me either Carly: you're also so hot Carly: unfair Carly: if you get more Ali: baby Ali: making me miss you already Ali: that's what's unfair Carly: can i be at yours later tho Carly: my parents are fighting about me & think idk Carly: bitch its a caravan Ali: That's fun Ali: about parenting styles or? Ali: Of course you can Ali: I share a room with Ro though remember, so, best behaviour Carly: ha Carly: theyve got no flair Carly: about to throw this washing up bowl at my ma as my contribution to the convo Carly: shit i forgot Carly: maybe i shouldnt come over then Ali: trying to think of a witty one-liner for when you do Ali: all i've got is 'this convo is as dull as dishwater' lemme workshop it, hold fire boo Ali: nah, please come Ali: lmao, flashbacks to Drew there but forreal Ali: we can sleep on the sofa if needs Carly: lads are so funny Carly: i thought he was gonna cry w he thought we'd changed our minds Carly: good stash tho Carly: only reason my ma still running her mouth about me Carly: well zen Ali: another night crywanking Ali: gutting Ali: yeah, and you see all that fancy shit in his room, clearly on his big badman hype Carly: cant ever bring him here Carly: never hear the end Ali: gonna have trouble keeping him away now, babe Ali: 💦 Carly: only if youre here Carly: you speak the local lingo yea? Ali: Gabh mo leithscéal? Ali: 😏 Carly: wtf Carly: you could've just said yea babe Ali: could've but i'm a showoff Carly: cant act like i dont love it now Ali: can but it'd be a blatant lie Ali: right tongue workout, Gaelic, like Carly: thatll be why you bothered & i never Carly: very gay of you Ali: odds already stacked against me being 50% scum Ali: had to do what i could, babe Carly: help me out then Carly: my da's trying to start a fight w ronan's da who dont even speak english Carly: funny or fucked that he thinks thats where i go Carly: guaranteed his da is calling me a slag while my dad does the same Carly: ha Ali: 😒 Ali: fight for your honour or gtfo Ali: So stupid Ali: want me to rock up translator cum where you've been wasting your time? Carly: i told em all ive been too busy having 3ways w you & the golden god but they aren't having it Carly: gonna have to give you all a show, am i lads that aint what you want da but its what ill do k Carly: walking away before they start kissing themselves Carly: the tension Ali: Oh, middle-aged straight men Ali: never far away from a crisis or homoerotic awakening Ali: Join the club Carly: grab another beer lads itll be alright Carly: im not knocked up or running off with your lad Carly: do wanna get out of here tho Ali: Oh he is not potential baby daddy material at all Ali: Please Ali: come over or you wanna go somewhere else Ali: think my Da is firing up the BBQ, another staple of manliness Ali: sure we can keep him from brawling and strictly on the burgers tho Carly: who is Carly: get me on the ferry before you get me down the aisle Carly: k im walking Carly: keep me company babe Ali: valid Ali: benefits of being a gay is no awkward hush hush trips to England Ali: of course Carly: if only my parents believed i like you Carly: get back to slagging me off for other shit Carly: irish at me again. i liked it Ali: Bit offended, like, have you seen me guys? I'm a sensation Carly: i dont think they know who you are sorry Ali: Tá tuillte agat ar fud an domhain, Carly Walsh Ali: at least I can dramatically ask 'em then and really fucking mean my shock horror Carly: if you don't live on site you don't exist Carly: do i need to be offended at what you're saying about me in that gay tongue twister Ali: everyone got their own bubble Ali: i found out the world extends beyond the end of my street tho but you do you lads, it is easier that way Ali: tho not safer, ask ginge 😈 Ali: i hope not Ali: was nice, promise Carly: i wanna see more of it than this Carly: like you said wheres the fun in easy Carly: shit yea shes your ronan like Carly: she gonna show herself at the bbq Carly: i believe you, you don't kno how to be anything else to me even if you should Ali: You will Ali: Make sure of it Ali: I've shown you the stars, gonna show you the wonders on this world too, scout's honour Ali: omg, so is Ali: although she doesn't occasionally come by when she's horny Ali: so we're safe Ali: she'd never trust me serving her a bevvy, like 🧙‍♀️ #witchesbrew Ali: why should I? don't be telling me what to do woman 😜 Carly: maybe she should Carly: she might be less sad and mad once she's had a ride w you Carly: you gonna play like you don't like it now Carly: just in the bedroom k hear you Ali: I'll put it out there Ali: get ready to cover my bruises this time Ali: 😏 Ali: time and a place, baby Carly: if you're showing her what real magic is she can't be mad Carly: but if she is she can go through me i got you girl Carly: wont beat me a second time like Ali: my lil million dollar baby Ali: into it Carly: your sister would be too Carly: not in the same way but would get her on side Ali: she's so on side Ali: now she knows you ain't tryna be my bosom bud like that Carly: she still dont vibe w me tho Carly: i kno it wasnt just that Ali: she's just shy, don't worry Ali: no one out here you need to impress but me and i already am Carly: what about your ma and da Carly: i kno they arent shy Carly: how do you want me to play that Ali: just be you you don't gotta do anything more or less baby Carly: im scared Ali: you don't have to be, I swear, Ma's not as bad as she 👀 and my Da's a big softie Ali: you can just come as my friend, they aren't gonna pry Carly: k Carly: i trust you Carly: itll be fun yea Ali: s2g Ali: you can meet Tommo, you'll like him Ali: and your fave will be dying for your attention, obvs Carly: mystery boy Carly: is he hot like your other brothers Ali: i'm not gonna confirm or deny 'cos bit weird Ali: also potentially rude if I nah it 'cos I reckon he ain't your type Ali: I cannot promise hot brothers making an appearance but you might get 🍀 Carly: hot sister then Carly: I dont mean my fangirl but the older one Ali: package deal with the freckly one Ali: not rock, weirddd Ali: but see, so ready with the compliments they're gonna 💚 u Carly: he's hot too Carly: & you kno i think the littlest is such a cutie Carly: but i dont wanna compliment anyone but you Ali: I'm not gonna complain about that Carly: better not cuz im almost at yours Carly: its too hot to turn around & walk back Ali: yay! Ali: lemme come get you Ali: i wanna kiss you before we have to be social Carly: i want you to kiss me whenever you feel like it Ali: might just take you up on that Carly: do cuz it means i can too Ali: deal 💚

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

[priestcatte-blog]

Sini’s Dark Knight story part 4

Sini would now leave the mansion more often, not only to go visit his love in the Goblet, but also to meet with the Dark Knight in La Noscea, to train away from prying eyes several times a week. The Jackals would not like having a broody stranger around the mansion and garden, and the wilderness had much more space and privacy. As per the Knights advice, Sini fought with a simple greatsword now that Bert had made for him, and he was slowly making progress.

It was a truly cheesy name, Dark Knight, Sini thought to himself as he crossed swords with the older Keeper again, but he couldnt think of a better name. The man had told Sini his name by now, Ome'a Molkot, but being mentor and pupil Sini wasn't gonna call him that. And the guy was clad in a blackened heavy armor after all... Sini had asked him once why, and the reply had been: "There are several like me, i know that much, but they don't all look like 'Dark Knights'. That's just a name people made up because it's so ominous and mysterious. And many of us are not much liked either. But i digress... this armors colour is just coincidence, personal preference. Some look like normal Knights. Some look nothing like Knights at all, more like commoners, but that doesn't change what they are and do." Sini already knew what they all had in common, the fight against injustice and the use of the so called 'dark arts', a technique they developed in Ishgard in secrecy. Sini knew that much already, so he didnt have to ask his mentor about that. He had already made some visits to Ishgard, to see the seminarium and learn more about the ishgardian way of priesthood, and at these occasions he secretly looked some of the stories about these 'Dark Knights' up.

He would ask about the Dark Arts at some point, maybe, probably... he didn't plan to yet. For now it was important to simply learn how to fight well with a greatsword and armor. Sini had told him about his first succesful, real fight. It had been on the bridge in lower La Noscea, where Sini and Shin, together with some friends of hers, had to fight off a group of scoundrels who wanted to get rid of her. Among these, Sini succesfully fought and killed a Hyur with a greatsword, an Elezen swordsman and a Roegadyn with an axe. All in teamwork with Shin and her friends of course. Why all Roes seemed to fight with axes was a curiosum that probably would keep puzzling scholars for ages... In any case, this earned Sini the approval and respect of his mentor. Good job and keep it up, the usual words one would expect. But also "Seems i were not wrong with my estimation of you." Well that was nice to hear.

But training would continue further of course, and so it did on this day too. Although Sini didn't seem very concentrated. They were sparring, training moves and reactions, as his mentors sword slammed against the protection on Sini's upper right arm. They lowered their weapons and Ome'a took off his helmet. "Get yourself together, you are not really here, not in the fight with your thoughts! Are you thinking about your sweetheart again?" Sini held his right arm in pain, but a wide grin spread on his lips nonetheless as he thought about Shin. He could hear Ome mumble something about "worst priest...", but Sini shook his head. "No... no, it's not her, actually... we got trouble in our company. Nothing i should share with outsiders..." The older Miqo'te nodded, and gestured him to follow him to the side, where they took a break standing in the shadow beneath a tree. "Yeah, thats understandable... but it eats at you, it seems." Sini leaned his sword against the bark, and rubbed his neck while looking away. "Yeah, well... it's someone i don't have a problem with usually... her name is Thya. You fought with her in the job you gave us." He nodded again, remembering. His interest was peaked. "Ah, yes... i do remember her. Fights similar to me, i am quite curious how she learned the arts... but it's not that which worries you, right? You knew about that." "Yeah... you cannot miss it when fighting with her, and i did. But no... it's something else. I just... i won't talk about it. But i feel like i cannot trust her anymore. For Reasons i cannot disclose. And that makes everything... complicated of course... I still have to work with her. Wavering trust is a problem, but i see no way how this can be solved easily." "Hm... yeah... thats bad..." The old man sat down, his armor creaking a little. He flicked his black furred ears and looked back to Limsa Lominsa, the cityscape visible in the distance. They fell silent for a moment, with only the sound of the wind and the sheep grazing nearby reaching their ears.

"I will be honest, i don't know a simple solution either. Or any advice. It's a shitty situation, but there's no help beside her regaining your trust. However she could accomplish that, i don't know the details..." Sini sighed, running a hand throuhg his grey hair and sitting down with his back against the tree. "I know... i will figure something out." Ome'a suddenly grinned, and looked back to Sini'to. "Heh, i was gonna say, i can maybe give you something to distract you from that. But i guess you have plenty of distraction with your sweetheart already, whenever you want." Sini smiled again. Yes, he had been very happy lately, before the thoughts about Thya and her family clouded his mind, but it had been pretty obvious still. And it was a nice feeling to see when people were happy for him. "But i am a curious sort... you can still show me. What did you have in mind?"

The old man reached for something under his armor, a little bag that he seemingly always had close to his body. He opened it and took a small black crystal out, adorned with a golden symbol. It was fitting into his palm perfectly. "Do you know what this is?" Sini straightened up a little, raising his brows. "Yes... that's a soulstone, no? I heard they are pretty rare. But i read about them. That little symbol differentiates it from a gem." Ome'a nodded. "Yes, smart one. It's my soulstone. I got this one from my master, the one who picked me up from the brume after my mother died and trained me. He got it from his master and where he got it from, i have no idea. I assume some Knights just started to make these, like other soulstones that are around, to pass them on. Like we do with our art. Master, apprentice, master, apprentice, and so on... So you know what it can do." Sini leaned forward, inspecting the stone curiously. He nodded slowly, hesitant. "Yes... i assume it could allow someone to learn your dark arts, as you called them... i have spoken with Thya about it once. She said it's a dark force inside you, that you can harness to empower yourself, but you have to be careful... the price to pay is an internal struggle. She called it a voice in your head, that speaks to you and wants to make you do things, or even take over herself... but then again it's not really just some voice, it's still you. It's another you, but still you. Part of you. She said it's hard to describe..." "Hmm, yes..." The black haired keeper held the small stone up betwen his index and thumb, tilting his head a little as he watched it. It was slightly heart shaped and deep black, like the purest Onyx Sini had ever seen, the light shining on its polished surface. "That's one way to put it. I also heard it does differ from person to person, and manifests differently for different people. She is right, it's nothing from outside, it's all you. So you don't need to worry about that, you don't get a voice in your head. It is like... urges and desire. You know? We all have urges, but of course, we don't just give in to them. We are civilized, we know what we can do and what we better shouldn't do. We fight our urges. It is like that, just stronger. Go ahead, bash that guys face in. He deserves it! Make him pay. Who cares about the people staring? Just let him feel the pain, pay him back tenfold, nay, hundred! Like that. For example."

He was very calm as he talked about it like that, and Sini watched him with a frown, not sure what to think. "You can control it. You learn that. It's not much different then than controling our daily urges. It's just when we tire and slip that it gets dangerous. If the urges take control of us, if we go and bash that guys head in, we have to live with the consequences. But... the powers it can grant are very, very useful... you might have already seen some of the things one can do with it from your friend Thya." He held it out for Sini, looking him straight in the eyes. "You'll have already guessed it by now, i want to give it to you. I had an apprentice once, but he died, and now im old and dont want to go through that again, and i dont know if i would even live long enough. But you are smart, you are capable, and you can make good use of the things i show and teach you. You're not a warrior, but a mage... you have to learn to fight, but the powers and magics you will learn with this stone will be much easier for you, i am sure. You are smart, you can figure it out. And i figure using the magics the dark arts grant will be very useful for you. You can, no you must incorporate them into your fighting. That's what makes a 'so called Dark Knight' much better than any other ordinary fighter. You could use magical shields, for example. But as said, you'll prolly have seen from your friend what else it can do..."

Sini was staring at the stone with a frown. He was clearly hesitant, reaching out but not taking it yet. "I don't know... Thya said there's no going back." Ome'a shrugged. "That's true, i guess. I never tried. But yeah, i guess think good about it. Go ahead, you can take it, it wont just go and imbue you with scary dark powers. It won't do anything unless you concentrate on it." "You don't need it anymore?" "No... it literally only teaches you. It's filled up with... the experiences of its former bearers, to say it in lack of a better description. I can't describe how it works, but you can learn with it, things just seem to come to you naturally with it. I already know everything, i know how to use the Darkness. You don't need to stone for it, it just shows you how. And i will give it to you anyway, if you decide to learn it or not. I'm old, as said, and i rather give it away before i die somewhere and it gets lost. Even if you don't use it, you can give it to someone else." Sini nodded and sighed, reaching for the stone and taking it. It felt cold in his hand, and smooth, not different to any other gem. Unconsciously, with his other hand he reached for the glas encased pieces of topaz that were hanging on a chain around his neck, a gift made by Shin. They were the broken remains of the gem with which he always had summoned his carbuncle Puff, since his childhood. Symbol of his lifelong practised arcanism, that was failing on him now and again lately.

He nodded to the old Knight and closed his fist around the soulstone, his voice steadfast. "Alright. You are entrusting me with something important to you. I thank you, and promise to make or find good use of it. I apprecaite it."   The other keeper smiled faintly. "Heh. Well... thanks for taking care of my legacy, so to say." He got up and stretched, holding his back like a typical old man. He looked back to the City in the distance again, and Sini swore the Knight even got a bit melancholic. "It's a chain of tradition that goes on and on, and should be kept going...keep the art alive and all that. It's like life, really. Old teach the new, things get passed on from generation to generation, and so on and so on..." He gazed out into the distance and fell silent, and Sini could only imagine the things that probably went through the old keepers head. What if his life had taken different turns? What if he had grown up in the shroud instead? What if he, instead of leading a vigilante life, had settled down and got a family? Who knew, who knew... what if, could have been, all that didn't matter in the end... Life was what it was right now, and none of us could change the past. Ome'a chuckled and shook his head, probably thinking just the same as Sini right now.

He took his helmet and put it back on his head. Now he was the image of a Dark Knight again, gone was the old man, hidden beneath a blackened suit of armor and only for few to know. "Heh. Thanks again. See you around next time. And don't die, alright? Would be a shame. Your sweetheart would be sad." With that, he strode off, towards Limsa Lominsa, leaving Sini behind underneath that tree. The grey priest in a training suit of armor followed the Knight with his gaze until he was out of sight, sitting there and pondering.

[lovingme23]

34 weeks and 6 days left

Today’s skype date with Tyler went really well. I got off the call feeling super happy and felt like i could take on the world. That’s one of the best feelings. I get worried because alot of times i can’t tell what tyler is thinking or feeling. We don’t talk about anything serious to where he lets me besides like surface level of its boring here or i’m sick of this place.

I know it must be so hard, so i really try not to push and pry. To be honest i dont think theres a lot to push and pry about really. I think he’s upset that hes deployed right now and away from me. I think he really doesn’t like where he’s at and is sick of everything but at the same time talking about it wont change anything so why bring it up? And i agree to an extent and get it. Its just hard when sometimes he seems annoyed or not in a good mood because sometimes i assume its me.

One thing i’ve recognized is that i have to stop assuming that i’m the issue right away. I don’t know why i do that. I can be so hard on myself for no reason sometimes. Its okay for other people to be upset and its possible that i wasn’t the person/ or did something to cause it. Its just something i learned about myself ...and i’m glad i did because its hard always taking things like that to heart when maybe i can recognize them and offer assistance / comfort but at the end of the day know it has nothing to do with me and that i just have to be there for that person.

I was really starting to worry if i was enough Tyler on this deployment. I felt like i was more weighing him down then bring him up. I know i use to vent to him alot about his sister.... but then i realized that was selfish of me. I agreed to have her live with me for the next few months . So complaining or venting isn’t going to change anything . Its just going to make me more aggravated, Tyler more aggravated and its doing nothing to improve my relationship with Sarah. It just stinks but i really thought it was going to be different. I felt like her and i were going to get along super well and i assumed become super good friends through it all. And its not that we don’t get along or we haven’t strengthen our friendship... i think her and i are in two different spots in our lives and its challenging for us to live in a one bedroom apartment with that being the situation. She wants to date and bring guys home...but to where?  And i think i feel awkward because this is still Tyelrs apartment. Like if something were to happen to his stuff, i feel like its my responsibility. And bringing over people you meet online to hangout just isn’t my idea of a good idea and were just constantly clashing heads on it.

I’ve told my family a little bit about the situations i’ve been facing with Sarah and part of me wishes i hadn’t said anything. I feel like none of them really are a fan of her. My mom use to really like  sarah and now my mom is kinda rubbed the wrong way by her. My brothers too.... they pretty told me i got put in a bad situation .They basically said Tyler should have laid ground rules for his sister before she got there. And now that he knows the stuff that  has gone on that he really should have called her up and told her either shape up or get out....but since he hasn’t it pretty much makes me look like the bad guy constantly and really what else can i say??

I don’t really get why Tyler hasn’t said anything to his sister though? I mean understand she has no where else to go and that kicking her out is extreme. I don’t want that at all. But it would be nice if he had called her and said hey you know i’ve been thinking about it and i really don’t feel comfortable with you or Cinn having guys at my apartment while i’m gone, so if you can’t respect that rule then you’re gonna have to go back and live with grandma/grandpa or mom. I don’t think thats anything crazy to say or ask. Especailly when her and i share a room and that means that guy is coming into room where i sleep... I just feel frustrated, but i shouldnt have tell Tyler to say anything. I really shouldn’t . It just stinks that he put me in this spot for the next 7 months.

Oh well.... anyways everything else really has been going good. Like i said our skype date went well which was awesome and he seemed in such good spirits which made me super happy too :) I miss him like crazy. I miss snuggling and kissing him. I miss having my best friend by myside day in and day out. I’ve more friends since he’s left but i realized that i don’t really want a lot of friends. I don’t really take to anyone anymore. After my eating disorder and recovery.... i don’t feel the need to have a lot of people in my life anymore. I just want people who are loyal and faithful and love me unconditionally. Thats all. And Tyler is my person.. he has been for the past 4 years... and i just want him home so badly.