#i dont even wanna like. blame it on anyone im just trying to come up w a rational explanation.

[phagodyke]

kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room

[minglana]

there is something evil and sinister going on deep within me (my pussy)

[erinsturniolo]

i don’t want you like a best friend - M.S

summary: bestfriend!matt and “bestfriend”!reader at a party with unknown desires for eachother.

warnings: p in v, unprotected sex, lots of smut, shower sex, swearing, underage drinking, very few uses of y/n (I tried to put it in here no times but I couldn’t!! I’m so sorry omgggg I hate it too dw 😭)

may make you get mad: “that’s not fitting.” “I’ll make it.” I know. I hate this too but his dick is like seven inches and tbh any girl would be lucky to have all seven inches regardless of height. also I’m new to smut writing so I may suck at explaining shit and have horrid grammar. I myself don’t know what (juno) position they are in but I’m too lazy to fix it so.. finally, “pretty sounds” cringy af but I used moan and groan and idk what else there is

if u wanna take inspo from this (thank you!) idc as long as you don’t copy my entire thing. but if your under 18 fuck off, no smut for you 👎

word count: idfk?? find out yourself xx

(this isn’t gonna be realistic, I’ve never been to a party or hooked up with anyone before so 😭 I feel a lot of us here on Tumblr haven’t. we’re saving ourselves for Matt 😭😭😭)

(this is my first time writing a smut fanfic, first sturniolo fanfic and first Tumblr fanfic! sorry it might be bad, not proofread. just trying out writing instead of reading!)

(english is NOT my first language. if I spelled a word wrong or something DONT BLAME ME, LOVE MADE ME CRAZY. (iykyk))

I ACCIDENTALLY CHANGED IT TO I INSTEAD OF YOU HALFWAY THROUGH OH MY GOD IM SO FUCKING SORRY IM DUMB AF

You were just hanging out with one of your friends, gossiping about the latest rumors around your school when you got an invite to the biggest party of the year. Thrown by the one and only sturniolo triplets, they were known for throwing the most lavish parties and sneaking in drinks for everyone to have. Their parties also earned the reputation of the place to hook up. You and the triplets were best friends, but you were especially close with Matt. You secretly have a desire for Matt that no one knows, not even your best friends. When you saw the invitation you squealed. “f/n, we need to go shopping for dresses, right now!” And so you did, you went to every store when you found the perfect dress. A short dress with a black dress part and gold straps and trim. It was perfect, but you could only imagine Matt taking it off.

you and your friend arrived at the part around 9:00pm. The lights are on and music is blasting, even from outside. You and f/n park at the end of the 50-ish line of cars. You finally step into the party and are immediately greeted with booming music and a drink to start, you take the drink and glance around at everyone. The party had only started 30 minutes ago but people were already on the dance floor. You scanned the crowd specifically looking for one person. Matt. “Girl who are you looking for? You’ve been to these parties before, come on!” F/n yells over the loud music, yanking your arm and entering the dance floor. You started having sips out of your drink, and sat down at the kitchen island. “Hey! I’ve been looking for you for so long, where were you?” You turn around to see Matt, in a leather jacket and pants, you glance up and down at his body. Shocked on how good he looks. “oh, my friend just pulled me to the dance floor, I was looking for you too!” You giggle, while your hands begin to shake trying to maintain eye contact and not dick contact. “you? on the dance floor?” Matt teased “don’t even right now.” you tried to hide your grin as he kept teasing and laughing at you.

the time with Matt went by so fast. Your conversation lasted around an hour before you both realized how long you had been talking, and the party was livelier than ever, you and Matt had been pulled back onto the dance floor. The amount of people in the crowd was making your body be thrown around like you were in a washing machine. You finally caught up to matt, who was significantly taller, making it easier for him to get through. “Jesus Christ, it’s like a mosh pit in there.” You laughed “that’s because it is a mosh pit.” Matt informed you. You glanced up at Matt when you heard yelling from behind, you turned around to see Nick and Chris fighting for approximately the 1989th time. “No, cause-!” Chris was cut off by Matt’s yell for them to stop. “whatever, I’m gonna go get some a drink, you guys want any?” I said in annoyance by the mosh-pit-like crowd. “nah- jinx!”Nick and Chris said at once, then continued to fight over who said “jinx” first. “I’ll come, I’ll have to protect you from the crowd or else you’ll get trampled.” Matt chuckled. I chuckled back, but what he didn’t know is that that sentence sent butterflies through my stomach.

I opened the cabinet to grab another bottle of liquor and was only a centimetre away from the bottle, even in my tippy toes. Matt was on his phone, and I didn’t want to bother him, so I just tried to get it myself. I groaned in annoyance at the fact I couldn’t grab it myself, so I climbed onto the counter. I finally caught the bottle and was about to climb down when my foot slipped and I fell, but I didn’t fall. someone caught me?

Matt. motherfucking matthew sturniolo caught me, he is my best friend but still. I was in his arms looking up into his eyes like a dumb puppy. I was so stunned that I didn’t even realize the entire bottle of liquor emptied onto my dress. “shit- sorry.” I say as I try to stand up and clean myself off with the nearby paper towels. “no it’s fine, I should have helped you-“ Matt tries to say “no no Matt it’s okay, my fault entirely. how dumb did I have to be to climb up there?” I apologize, Matt chuckles “we don’t have much paper towels, let’s get you cleaned up” Matt says as he grabs my arm and pulls me toward the bathroom. “here you go-“ Matt says as he hands me a handful of toilet paper. with any other person I would be fine with the setting, but not with Matt. being in the bathroom with Matt probably seemed normal to everyone except me. it seemed like a fanfiction, a dream. I’m so lost in thinking about how romantic it is that he - MATTHEW STURNIOLO is in the bathroom with me, that I didn’t even think to look up. But much to my surprise Matt was staring right at my eyes. “oh-sorry. your eyes are just really pretty, whoever is your boyfriend in the future would be lucky to have you” Matt stutters, I freeze. did Matt just say, I’m pretty? “o-oh! thank you Matt” I smile blushing like a ripe-RIPE tomato. Matt giggles, I glance over and I realize that 10 seconds ago I swear the bathroom door was open, but now it’s closed. I look back at matt and he must have saw the lust in my eyes, and I saw the lust in his. I could tell that look, even if I haven’t hooked up with anybody before. the look of lust, wait no- love.

I stutter “m-Matt? why’d you close the do-“ “you know y/n.” Matt says while putting his hand on my cheek. I lean into him, he leans into me. and in that moment, I kiss him. I know, me, kissing Matt? but no, it’s happening. right now, I close my eyes and just stop thinking. it feels like both me and Matt are stunned at what we’re doing, but it both feels magical. He pulls me in and turns so my back is leaning against the sink counter. we let go of the kiss and Matt moves his hand toward my hip, and placing the other on my shoulder, fiddling with my dress strap. I place one hand on the back of his neck and one on his belt. I lean in again but Matt leans into my neck and starts playfully kissing it. I let out a small groan and start fidgeting with his belt. “matt-“ I try to say but matt cuts me off. “shh” matt whispers, and pulls my strap of my dress to the side of my shoulder. I fidget with Matt’s belt, but what I didn’t know is that it comes undone easily, and his pants are only held up by his belt. all of a sudden Matt’s belt crashes onto the floor and so does his pants. “fuck sorry Matt” I whisper. Matt pulls away and suggests me “how about I make us even? hmm?” I nod my head as he pulls a strap of my dress off, then the other. I put my hand under his shirt and slowly lift his shirt. Next thing I know my dress is on the ground and Matt’s shirt and pants are on the ground and Matt is turning on the shower.

Matt steps into the shower and throws his boxers off and out of the shower, I undress slowly but get pulled into the shower by Matt, still in my underwear. “I couldn’t wait.” Matt says seductively. I glance down and freeze. “like what you see?” Matt chuckles “that is not fitting.” I speak “I’ll make it” Matt whispers. he places his hands on my underwear and glides it off grinning. Matt grabs my hips and pins me against the foggy, cool glass. I place my hands on his checks and start kissing him. Matt pulls me closer and bites my lip, making me groan. He takes a hand off my hip and onto his dick, and starts teasing me with his dick, I can’t help but moan. My lips let go from his as I bite my lip. “there you go, keep making those pretty sounds for me.” Matt moans as he slides his length into my pussy, I practically scream at how good it feels, my head flings back in pleasure as he wraps my legs around him. He holds my body and bounces it to reach maximum pleasure, with each bounce, he goes faster. And so do my moans. I’m moaning as fast as I can and as loud as I need, I’m positive other people can hear but I don’t care. I can feel the knot in my stomach start to build up. “m-Matt g-gonna c-“ I stutter before creaming all over Matt’s veiny, throbbing dick. Screaming at how good it feels. Matt keeps me bouncing on his dick, just waiting for himself to cum. He starts moaning and I knew what was about to come (see what I did there 🤭)”shit y/n I’m about to co-“ Matt gets interrupted by my moans of his cum filling my walls, painting them white. “oh my fuck- I” I stutter before Matt lifts me off his dick and onto the ground. I land on my knees, panting like a dog. “oh my god, that felt so good.” I moan, Matt puts his hand on my chin and pulls my face towards him. “just wait for the car.”

[yakumtsaki]

Spice and Cyan are the last cousin-fuckers left standing and are proving impossible to break up. I'm inclined to blame the fact Sugar and June also had the hots for each other and passed these destructive genes on to these losers but whatever it is they're just annoyingly into each other.

Now I'm not gonna lie, I did almost waver cause I was like 'man you know what they're second cousins so at the end of the day truly who cares, maybe I should just let them stay together and create one Union super-bebe'.. and then I see this:

In case you can't tell from this amazing screenshot they have ONE BOLT. ONE. ALL THIS DRAMA OVER ONE BOLT ARE YOU KIDDING ME

-What is drama compared to someone you almost desire? -Oh baby, the mediocrity of my passion for you is too much to bear!

-This lukewarm hot tub water is the perfect metaphor for our love.. -Exactly, it's the water of the womb and we all know that's where that sole bolt is even coming from!

UGH. Also man the difference between your noses is UNREAL, now I'm more worried about that if you procreate than the incest.

-Hahahaha, as expected I'm the only one of this trash family that's in a non-disgusting relationship!

Felina no offense but you could afford to add some drama cause you've become boring af.

-People are sick of all this perverted nonsense! They want someone dignified and happily monogamous!

Ya idk sis, I mean look at Barth dislocating his entire spine as we speak:

-I SENSE BETRAYAL AGAIN. WHO DARES CHEAT ON ME NOW

-JIMMY, BACK IN THE ARMS OF MY COUSIN THAT I RIGHTFULLY STOLE YOU FROM. AND TO THINK I WAS GONNA MARRY YOU WHEN I WON THE HEIRSHIP

-You were??

-OF COURSE NOT

Bro I can't, the entire house hates Barth other than Meadow and her billion nice points and Spice who is his childhood bestie. Note that he and Sunset have that goddamn amour fou and are independently becoming un-enemies, which I'm NOT GONNA LET HAPPEN.

-Ok Barth, let's get drunk and make some reckless and sexy decisions!

SUNSET GODDAMMIT IT

-Why do you keep cockblocking us? You know our kids would be hot!

I DONT CARE

-Ya right! Don't act like you haven't thought about it!

IM NOT LISTENING TO THIS

-You know we would produce a hot, psycho turbo-Union! A little Jojo or Jojette, untainted by non-Union DNA, one freakshow to rule them all!! Look into your heart, you know it to be true!!!

ENOUGH, STOP TRYING TO SEDUCE ME WITH THE PROMISE OF COMICALLY INSANE OFFSPRING, SUNSET. EVERYONE FUCK OFF TO BED RIGHT NOW, GOODNIGHT

-AND GOOD MORNING, LOSERS

WTF. Why are you here we've paid our bills!

-BUT YOU HAVEN'T PAID THE INCEST TAX

-OMG THERE'S A FIRE🌞

-OMG THE REPOMAN IS HERE TO TAKE OUR SHIT

-OMG THE STREAKER KILLED OUR FISH

What??

-I JUST DON'T WANNA ADMIT IM STILL CRYING OVER BARTHOLOMEW

NOOOO NOT OUR BEAR STATUE WE'VE HAD IT SINCE GENERATION 1! PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE OF THE KIDS INSTEAD

-YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID YOUR BILLS

WE FUCKING DID

-PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU FLOPS

FUCK YOU, REPOMAN, WE'RE NOT FLOPS

-WAAAAAAAAH I CAN'T BELIEVE HE TOOK OUR BEAR

Oh great, now half these flops are in aspiration failure, that's just what the doctor ordered.

-OMG AND NOW THE OTHER PLANT IS ON FIRE

BRO WTF IS HAPPENING WE'RE CURSED

-WE ARE AND WE ALL KNOW WHO'S TO BLAME

-HE'S BEEN BAD LUCK SINCE HE WAS BORN

-Can you harpies take this somewhere else, I'm trying to get high here!

-KILL HIM

OK NO. No one's killing anyone, we're NOT cursed, ok?

-We're broke, afflicted with a bills glitch, fires keep starting and half the house is in aspiration failure!

Well let's be real, the broke part is on you.

-US??

You idiots are averaging a D each semester because you're too busy fucking each other, beating each other up or both..

..I mean freaking Jimmy is on academic probation, I have never gotten this before in all the years I've played this game, this is the worst college run of all time.

-WHAT IS YOUR POINT

My point is the bar is in hell so let's just get out of this run alive, ok? Now you kids make nice!

-Well, Failina, now that I'm looking at you up close I guess putting lipstick on a pig does work sometimes.

-For my next move, I'll shove my queen in your other eyehole.

See, now isn't this nice? And I think I figured out what caused the bills thing so everything should be fine now..

-THINK AGAIN BITCH

OH FFS

-I'M HERE TO FREE THIS NEIGHBORHOOD FROM YOUR TERRIBLE SPOKEN WORD POETRY

Ok you know what I'm actually fine with that one, take it- Um do I hear hearts??

UH WHAT????

-THAT'S RIGHT IM IN LOVE WITH KEA FOR NO CLEAR REASON

WTF

-We've been friends for a long time-

You have?? Man I really need to pay more attention around here.

-Yes well you can't help being useless!

Very true! Well please, continue, let me just call someone over-

-YOU LEFT THE HOT TUB OF LUKEWARM LOVE TO CHEAT ON ME???

Man I know, it's so terrible! Anyway-

-HOW DARE YOU BE UPSET WITH ME FOR CHEATING ON YOU

CYAN WTF LOL

-YASSSS BEAT HIS ASS UP BABE HE DESERVES IT

DOES HE?? Cyan you are one crazy bitch, I love it.

-I take after my mom! :D

Which one, they're both insane! :D

-What's it take to get your number? What's it take to bring you home? Hurry up, it's time for supper, order up, I'm hot to go🎵

Alright well Chapell karaoke seals it, Kea, welcome to the family!

-You mean it this time right, you won't fuck me over again like when I was engaged to Sophito?

LOL I forgot about that but no I'm certain this one is gonna work out, unless crazy ass Cyan goes back to one of her cousins

-What?

I said start planning the wedding!

[editblr-confessions]

tbh im kinda xenophobic and neophobic.. i wouldnt say like.. phobic?? i use hy/hym pronouns and im okay with mascneu and femneu pronouns, but the shit ive been seeing is fucking insane. people are making flags for girlfriend that smoke weed?? they dont need a flag for that its just fucking stupid. i dont know if that counts as neo or xenophobic but im sick of seeing that shit on my blog because of the fact im an editor with editor moots that reblog that shit and its ennoying. and people wonder why the lgbt gets mocked when we're out here making stupid shit like this???

like i really wanna respect someones pronouns but i have several learning disabilites and im also not american so it makes it harder for me to keep up. some pronouns i dont even understand what context to use them in. some pronouns i dont even know how to pronouns and it kinda makes me feel bad because i dont wanna misgender anyone but at the same time im sick of it. im sick of these freaks. im really not trying to be rude or anything but xeno's and some neo's just dont make sense to me no matter how much i attempt to research on it.

posting this right away because people need to see this. you called people freaks. thats not neo/xenophobic- thats just homophobia. let people have fun and block what you don't like jesus christ.

blaming other queer people for homophobia makes you sound like one of those people who are like "erm... if you dont plan on medically transitioning ur actually not transgender and your doing it for fun....."

also. flags are just cool. sometimes making flags is fun. let people have fun.

having a disability in any sense is not an excuse to be homophobic and transphobic. dont come into my inbox calling people freaks for being themselves, that makes you a massive asshole and removes any empathy i can feel for you.

[the-s1lly-corner]

I wanna try something different this time around.

I’ve started to grow an interest to Eyeless Jack, I mean I haven’t read the story but the character has intrigued me.

What’s some fluffy headcanons you can think of for him with a partner in general?

General hcs for Eyeless Jack x Reader !

ehehehehe welcome to the ej fan club!! evil laughs >:) gotta admit my take on ej is only loosely based around the original story (guy waking up to find one of his kidneys missing is the TLDR version) but a lot of my hcs are based around a fic (?) reimagine (?) of ej that i remember seeing floating around yeeeeears ago back in middle school and im unsure how many people follow the "jack used to be a human but got dragged into a cult/human sacrifice unwillingly" idea since i admittedly dont interact much with the fandom outside of writing these lil hcs and making fanart TToTT

after everything that happened to him jack ran off to the woods to be away from prying human eyes, and as far as he knew he was viewed as (albeit unwilling and you could argue it was in self defense) murderer.... kind of puts a stop into your plans of finishing school and going into your dream career.. oh and also the teeny tiny detail that you now rely on human flesh as sustenance with no hope for being able to physically accept alternatives and as more time goes on you start to resemble something.. not human... theres that, too

if you want to see him during the day you're likely going to have to visit him in the woods, but fear not hes not homeless, hes found refuge in an old cabin; slowly hes been patching it up

dont expect him to make you do any work on the cabin, he views it solely as his responsibility and he'll likely deny any actual work helping rebuild it... though i dont think he would be against any tools and decoration (ex. stuff for a generator so he can have power, means to wash his clothes, basic supplies that arent food ectect)

i think overtime he would even get a little mini fridge for you so you can store snacks and drinks at his place, since he doesnt. have food

sometimes visits you at your place, but he only does this during the night so he doesnt get caught wandering the streets by other people... usually enters through the backdoor, to avoid anyone seeming coming from the front

very quiet and reserved, not very high energy... so most nights hanging out with him are calm... usually him asking you how you've been doing... you /could/ ask him the same, but he can only talk about patrolling his area in the woods for hikers straying too close so many times, and he doesnt want to bore you

thats actually another thing, he has traps set up around; mix of a means for hunting without having to go out and pick someone, and to make sure no one gets too close to the cabin

so i think, in the beginning he would ban you from coming to him without him guiding you, at least not until youve had ample time to get used to the traps and how to look for them and remember the general locations of them

teaches you how to forage, him being alone for so long has forced him to pick up new hobbies to keep him from going insane, so you now know how to do that sort of thing as well as identifying plants and fungi... fun!

on the very rare occasion you can convince jack to walk around town with you at night when everyone else is asleep.... its nice, i think.. kind of gives him a chance to just sink back into what his old life used to be and feel like hes normal again; though he tends to be quieter than usual on these walks

i dont think hes particularly possessive, dont get me wrong he cares about you and he does have the passing thought of you just up and leaving him one day (and he doesnt blame you, he holds a lot of self loathing for himself nowadays) but hes not going to be breathing down your neck and watching your every movement... he has enough trust in you not to get hurt or stuck in any situation

blunt, he doesnt beat around the bush and sometimes he doesnt sugarcoat things when the blow needs to be softened... mix of jack just being a little insensitive to others but also because hes gotten so used to thinking so logically and straight forward and numbing his own emotions over... who knows how long, probably even before he got all messed up..

can be a little sarcastic at times, so he might come off as an asshole every now and then, especially when you mix in the bluntness

i dont think he would actively try to be mean to others though, he'd try to understand and fix something if his habits upset you because he doesnt want to lose you

very cold, physically, so be sure to bring blankets and stuff when you want to cuddle into him

very careful with you, he has claws and teeth... and sometimes shedding blood around him can be really dangerous (he feeds on human material, he tends to push off eating for as long as he can since the fact hes eating people meat messes with him.. argument between survival of himself and survival of others; but due to his curse he can go into 'frenzies' and momentarily lose himself to his hunger. think how in finding nemo the sharks went nuts when dory cut her fin on accident, its like that but he doesnt go nuts all the time) so hes very very gentle even when he has a strong hold on himself

speaking of his forced diet, he doesnt eat often.. only really needing to do so every now and then, but i like to think he would still sit at the table with you to keep you company while you ate dinner

though he wouldnt want you to do the same when he DOES eat, might prefer you not come at all on those days actually

him and reader remind me of the "its rotten work"/"not to me, not if its you" audio

[yveltalreal]

“idk if you guys wanna hear it”

This is Rotomblr we damn near everyone is nosey as hell, we want to hear it

okay real. under a cut cause this got LONGGGG

basically like. for a bit of knowledge if youve never seen miguels posts is that like anjo da morte (meaning angel of death) tormented our island for a few months, from when i returned from kalos after the houndoom attack to when i left for paldea. anjo da morte is presumed to take the form of an old man with pure blue glowing eyes except for a white pupil who appeared on the island randomly with no records of anyone matching his description. this old man just kinda hung out around the island, barely interacted with anyone, mostly appeared at night, and like murkrow and mandibuzz LOVED him.

anjo da morte caused people and pokemon to suddenly get sick, mass death and rotting, like UNUSUALLY SO. like things that were fine one day would suddenly be COMPLETELY ROTTED AND WILTED THE NEXT DAY. with no apparant cause or anything!! fairy pokemon, which are normally super plentiful because hortensia has A TONNNN of the flabebe line!! especially considering my family's florges gardens!! like. vanished. they were super skitish and hiding all the time i saw very few that weren't ours and even then ours acted strangely the whole time. on the other hand there was a huge surge in dark type activity, especially honchkrow line and mandibuzz line but that might just be because theyre carrion birds and shit and there was a lot of weak pokemon running around as well as a good amount of free corpses so. like this shit was abnormal as hell. at one point a bunch of fish pokemon and two florges (vulgradian florges are water types and mostly aquatic. theyre like mermaids) washed up on shore and we cut them open to see if theyd eaten anything off and there was like nothing wrong with them they seemed completely healthy they just. died.

we're all pretty it was a ghost type infestation that followed me from kalos or something?? but like worship of yveltal is also very common in the lachrian faith due to kalosian pirates brigning yvelti worship over to vulgrado along with the florges so some people did see anjo da morte as like. some sort of like test from yveltal or something. either way no one really blamed me for anything they were kina just like oh damn that shit you went for was THIS BAD huh?

anyways. the time i met anjo da morte.

basically i was coming home from school (i was trying school out again after The Incident) with my moms aggron, damascus. damascus considered like our parish its territory so it viewed protecting the kids and taking us all to school and stuff as like. part of taking care of its territory. anyways we had dropped everyone else off including miguel so it was just me who needed to go home.

we're like at the gardens, so almost home, and theres this old man there. i dont really pay too much attention at first cause the gardens are popular tourist destinations and assume hes probably just checking them out even we havent gotten much tourism at the time because of like. anjo da morte. and the fact our florges arent taking care of them as much as they used to because they are NERVOUS. but like i keep moving through the gardens with damascus.

theres a lot of like pools and waterways in the gardens cause. aquatic florges and stuff and we're passing by one of the pools when the old man like. actually adresses me. like says my full name. i dont know this old man but he knows my full fucking name.

i start freaking out cause like. old man i dont know knows my name stranger fucking danger and i finally get a good look at him and realize he has the fucking eyes and this is anjo da morte and freak out even more cause like??? ANJO DA MORTE

so basically im standing there, damascus is trying to intimidate anjo da morte (its not working) anjo da morte is SAYING THINGS TO MEEEEEE (im not paying much attention), and IM FREAKING OUT CAUSE OH MY GOD I FUCKED UP IM GONNA DIE AAAAAAAA

anyways i then hear a sound from the pool beside me which snaps me out of it and i look over. its one of our florges, kelpsy, and shes like getting out of the water and is also like making it clear to anjo da morte theyve fucked up and trying to freak them out. kelpsy is like. a very chill florges most vulgradian florges are super agressive unless trained like heavily even as flabebe but kelpsy is so fucking chill and has the patience of a saint but like. as of late she'd been super skittish and shy because of the whole anjo da morte thing so it was kinda a surprise to see her getting her ass out of the water. this distracts anjo da morte too and in that brief moment damascus fucking attacks.

like slams their arm into anjo da morte and sends him FLYING.

like he doesnt fall like a person though he goes flying the way a toy might. absolutely ragdolls. it looked like there wasnt any real weight to the body.

then, before anjo da morte hit the ground, they just fucking VANISHED. GONE. kelpsy freaks out and gets back into the pool and hides under the water and damascus starts making a set of growls that aggron use to like. tell things trespassing on their territory that they know they're there and they better FUCK OFF before they find and kill them so i leave damascus to it and run through the gardens all the way to the house.

AND THATS THE TIME I MET THE ANGEL OF DEATH <3

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Some of you have probably noticed that I havent made a liveblog post in a while. Well, thats because I usually read on the bus and during my classes and then I come home and summarize my thoughts on the 2-5 chapters I read after theyve marinated in my head for a little while, but unfortunately i appear to be incapacited at the moment so I cant do that. But because its been weeks and I dont wanna forget anything and I would very much like to finish this series soon, I'll try to read at home sometimes from now on. Since my brain is still a lil mush Im gonna do what I did for my last post, which is write down what Im thinking as Im reading instead of summarizing all my thoughts retroactively, except this time I have my german copy on hand so if I want to quote something it'll be a translation

Anyway, with all that said, welcome to my twisted mind, please enjoy my thoughts on A Court of Mist and Fury Chapters 40

Chapter 40

Ive been wanting to say this for a while now but i kept forgetting, but they translated 'winnowing' as 'den Wind spalten' ['splitting the wind'] and that is objectively so much cooler, shoutout to my gal Alexandra Ernst for that

Feyre being like "ugh, its so pathetic how these human guards think they could stand a chance against even one of us" hurts me so much you guys what have they done to my girl

Once again, its apparently perfectly fine if Rhysand doesnt tell Feyre anything "because she never asked" but if Tamlin doesnt tell her anything when she never asked hes the devil

Also once again, Feyre is perfectly not-triggered at Mor wearing a scarlet dress

Idk how to explain this, but Rhysand saying that Feyre is wearing a golden crown because "she looks so good with it, how could he not give her one" is somehow the perfect encapsulation of the hollowness of her High Lady title

Oh, of course three of the queens only showed up to watch the other two talk, itd be too hard to write dialogue if they actually participated in this important conversation

hello???? Feyre referring to humans as "your kind" ??? wth is going on

"every side bears some blame" hey rhysand ive got a question for ya. which side enslaved the other again

everytime the oldest queen does anything the prose feels the need to remind me of how old and wrinkly she is and its like, i get it, shes OLD

The oldest queen is spitting so hard rn, Im not even gonna question how they heard of the night court when Feyre, who lived closest to Prythian for many years, didnt know anything aout the individual courts prior to getting there herself, Im just gonna put her whole little monologue here: "Oh? [...] The High Lord of the Night Court asks that we join him so that we can save lives together? Fight for peace? And what about the lives that you have taken during your long, despicable existance? What about the High Lord who shrouds himself in darkness and destroys the mind of those who stand in his way? [...] We have heard of you on the continent, Rhysand. We have heard of what the Court of Night is capable of, what you do to your enemies. Peace? I wouldn't have thought that you - a man who enslaves the minds of others and kills them out of pure enjoyment - even know that word."

Anyway, she was spitting absolute bars and Feyre gets super mad about it and almost commits arson but manages to reign herself in and its like girlie, why are you so upset? one of the first things we find out about the night court in this book is that they apparently indiscriminately kill (or atleast torture) anyone who crosses the night court border without permission like theyre the fucking us government, i think the bad reputation is justified

Forgive me if I sound callous, but I have absolutely no sympathy for Rhysand flinching at the mention of Amarantha when Feyre didnt even use her name and is also talking about how she fucking DIED AT HER HANDS

God, I feel like I have something to say about every single line this post is gonna be like 10 thousand words long by the time Im done

So lets take it from the top; Feyre tries to convince the mortal queens to give them the half of the book by recounting to them how much everyone suffered under Amarantha and how she was gruesomely beaten to death and then revived, which is not a compelling argument to me, who actually witnessed all of that, much less these queens who have barely any context for anything shes saying right now

The oldest queen is like "you dont know anything about anything" which is true what the fuck does Feyre know about whats going on in the human world or even the fae world at large, and then Rhysand growls "dont you dare talk down to her!!" because shes passionate and speaking from the heart or whatever and its like, okay, shes still not good at politicking or even just basic negatioation and shes talking to a seasoned politician who old as fuck

Like, if Feyre was actually smart, she wouldve long since realized that she couldnt convince these queens to protect this little slip of land right up to prythians border and been like "okay, you dont wanna protect the land, but can you atleast organize an evacuation so you can atleast save the people" Sure, they definitely still wouldnt have agreed to that because its a sjm book and theyre written to be comically evil, but it would atleast demonstrate Feyre being a little savvy, because right now all we're getting is her being stupid and stubborn in a situation where she really cant afford that

god, im just now noticing how pissed off I am, its been bleeding into my commentary and its not gonna stop, Im sorry. wait no, if youre reading this youre probably looking for negativity, so youre welcome, actually

Anyway, Rhys also says that Feyre is a kindhearted soul looking out for people who cant defend themselves even though she definitely thought that those human guards were pathetic for wanting to defend themselves when she and the other fae were soooooo much more powerful and he definitely knows that because the mental bond is fully open during this meeting and he chastises the queens for being selfish and cowardly when its like, my brother in christ you are doing the exact same bullshit, but atleast the queens are defending a wholeass continent while hes defending one (1) city. and iirc that city ends up getting attacked and destroyed anyway so good job my guy

Theres something so oddly biblical about the story Mor is telling about Miriam, down to her name being Miriam

That island thats removed from time is such bullshit istg

Is it just me or have these bozos not actually explained what they even need the other half of the book for. theyre just like "we need to stop this war and we'd like peace between humans and fae" and its like cool, hows the book gonna help with that though

im sorry, feyre wants to punch that old woman in the face????

the chapter ends with Elain being like "I hope they burn in hell" and i get that, they just straight up said that they want to abandon a whole bunch of people (them included) to die if a war breaks out, but you cant say that the night court girlies are not also at fault for being so fucking bad at politics

[geastherat]

screaming about this here because i Need to get this Out

Blood Sport fucks me up in the best possible way, especially hearing Vessel sob through singing it

im gonna put the rest utc cause theres a Lot and its very Emotional (it reminds me of my dead close friend - i thought of her as another one of my sisters, still do - and the guilt i still have 7 years later)

like. the line "i wanna be forgiven" hits the hardest tbh because of how i still blame myself, even with everyone trying to tell me that her death isnt on me in any way, and how desperately i try to 'atone' for it through doing everything i can for my sisters, because i just cant lose anyone else. it ties in with the line "i wanna choke up chunks of my own sins" because, again, i'd do anything to have her back

then the line "tangled with what i never said" reminds me of how, in my mind, i shouldve seen it coming. i shouldve helped her, i shouldve spoken to her more, i shouldve done so many things but i can never take it back cause, yknow. shes dead. and it fits with the line "let me pay for my arrogance, wont you show me your weakness?" because i will spend my entire life trying to fill the void that she left, hoping that i can prevent losing anyone else by begging others to talk to me about their issues

though, the line "and the heavens just wont open up for me" is like a slap to the face because of how i feel like, while i dont believe in an afterlife or any gods, i'd never be let in anyway because i feel like her death is on my shoulders and i'll carry that burden until i die

so yeah. Blood Sport fucks me up but it also reminds me that its okay to cry about it, its okay to feel

[caluski]

i think everything else couldve been much worse. i couldve been unemployed for far longer, i couldve ran out of money way sooner, i couldve became homeless and spiraled into addictions and such. all that stuff. but with loneliness........ in the end, its strangely comforting to think that it was really all there could be. i thought about it during my walk... and you know, while im not much better yet - i still only really talk to people at work about work things - at least i can open my mouth and hear my own voice, speaking. because having like.. no one, absolutely no one to talk to, being completely silent for days, its so horrifying.

at some point, i think it must have been december, maybe late november, i couldnt even bring myself to talk without breaking down in tears. it all feels a little foggy, now, blurred into one, but talking to myself, trying to sing on my own, anything, it felt like nothing, except for maybe trying to not let my throat go rusty. i cant even tell anymore whether i went insane or not, whether my family really couldnt tell just how desperate i was to talk to someone, to speak, like about anything, anything at all. and other than blaming myself for most of how it ended up being, i think the resentment for everyone choosing to leave me on my own will linger over my heart for a very long time. i literally openly begged people to talk to me, to see me, whenever, wherever, and yet... i cant blame anyone for not wanting to be around someone whos constantly suicidal, but i still thought that there would be at least one person who'd choose to stay and wait it out with me. i wish things were different. i know i shouldnt be surprised that no one waited for me, as life goes on and people move past you, especially if their feelings for you were never really strong to begin with... but man. i cant even really count posting on tumblr as talking - after all, most of the time, i am just here talking about myself, to myself, and im aware of that. just screaming out a million times i wanna die, i wanna die, i wanna die, doesnt exactly count as conversation. it only really felt like writing out messages on the walls of an abandoned building, where you kinda hope someone will come across it and read it... but also, its not like they'll seek you out to save you, no matter how desperate you get. more likely is that they'll nod at it and go, "oh, big mood" and keep walking.

i wish it was already over. i wish i could find.. maybe not even "new friends" or whatever, but something to ease my mind with, to help me shift focus on something useful. its really hard to motivate yourself to do anything, when youre depressed. even now, i feel like work is really draining me... i can only pray that i will find motivation in me sometime soon, or this wont end well either. sorry this isnt very optimistic of me. i dont know where i was going with this one either. i think i should just go back to work now

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[upsidedowngrass]

ok so abt the amelia thing i mentioend in the tags of the other post? im thinking abt making a companion fic to the one i just posted but also i wanna preface it w some ideas abt amelia i think abt sm that kinda get undermined by other characters (even as a local liam fan i STILL need amelia in my life you know)

a lot of times? shes just written as Nice. and thats it, unless shes ALSO being portrayed as like... doting on liam and bryce and like im sorry but i dont think thats quite accurate. she IS kind, and she DOES care for her friends but i feel like this compassion gets SUPER oversimplified

the thing is, people make her revolve around the others, and i think there IS some basis for this; she cares abt the others a LOT and tries her best to help!! its a part of her character. but what people miss is that she DOESNT tend to act selflessly like constantly. she spends the first 6 episodes asking and trying SO hard to be up for elimination despite everything, even when stone makes liams team be up for elimination- but the thing is that i dont think not being selfless means shes selfish either, which i think is also overlooked (it CAN be inbetween). shes acting actually not unrealistically in this situation, she wants to be safe so it MAKES SENSE that she doesnt really think abt bryce or liam going home and tbh i think thats ok. shes under a lot of stress. the fact that everyone was divided into teams likely didnt help either

but then comes ep 7, and the fact that she loses the contest on purpose to get liam home i think overshadows this? and like she is 100% such an mvp here and i think she is literally so kind bc yeah liam Has gone thru the wringer at this pt. but this scene isnt Revealing that she Actually Wants To Look Out For Them Above All Else, its... very realistic guilt. a LOT of how i see her character i think revolves around guilt that i never see ppl portray her w

the thing is that i dont think she likes to see ppl unhappy, as very frequently shown and explained thru her helping the others! shes the one who is frequently shown looking out for others, and this IS bc shes very compassionate!!!! but i think it is partially abt the fact that it 1. is smth she can control, its smth she can DO, and 2, that if she doesnt help it kinda seems like it eats at her? helping the others during those 7 months WAS about caring abt them!!! and its just also that when ppl she cares abt are struggling , it helps her, too, to help them, yknow?? like its One thing that can make the plane more Safe and comfortable, and bc she DOES look out for people, but this IS often when worst comes to worst- shed help before that, yeah! but i think before it gets REALLY bad its easy for her to get overwhelmed with her OWN problems. this is only pushed to the extreme when the only thing she CAN do to make living on the plane bearable is to forget everything before it and embrace it, and subsequently, pushing those problems on the wayside, its a LOT easier to help others

as for the guilt, i feel like the scene in ep 7 is abt compassion but also about. SUCH heavy guilt. its not her fault, but she was also the only one who was Actively Aware of the fact that liam would sink, AND able go down there. and i think thatd mess with ANYONE. and the fact that suddenly this person she Couldve helped before Couldnt Be Comforted because she Couldnt Stop The Worst From Happening kinda like. Got to her. in ep 7, it isnt that things "revolve around liam," now, its the fact that she feels GUILTY. now looking back at every competition she tried to have HER team lose seems like just another instance she couldve stopped him from drowning before it happened. its extreme guilt, because blaming airy was easy, but airy doesnt budge, and all she has control of here is potentially helping others, and its like she failed, and she wants soooo badly to make up for it, because she already cared abt liam, but now theres also guilt around the fact that she DIDNT act selflessly because it WAS smth she could do. and it fucks me up so much

[pwblogarchive]

April 2007

April 6, 2007

“take a vote, the eyes have it. but the knives have our back.”

"An ending fitting for the startyou twist and tore our love apartyour light fingers through the darkshattered the lamp- into darkness it cast us...""No you've got it the wrong way round-just shut me up and blamed it on the brown"cornered the boy kicked out at the world, the world kicked backalot fuckin' harder...If you wanna try, If you wanna trythere's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)I know you lie (I know you lie)I'm still in love with you (oh oh oh)Have we enough to keep it together?or do we just keep on pretending (and hope our luck is never ending)...you cant stand me now, you cant stand me...."

April 14, 2007

us vs. the house - i kind of love the odds.

its almost a new shade under those lashes.

i am perplexingly optimistic.

its almost got me losing my head.

dodging flights.

words are like teeth.

only three places they can go...

flashed in smiles, rotted out, or spit out in fistfights.

not too sure how these end up.

we are becoming who we are meant to be.

we are becoming who we were.

time passes like bottles between them.

letting my self just float.

just feel ok.

being happy doesnt mean you are unauthentic.

breathing life is alright.

in doses you know.

i love life in 24 hour increments.

noone gets how my head feels when i lie sideways on pillows.

but noone gets anyone. so who cares?

listening to life on mars by bowie.

just snoozin.

the inside of my head is out breath from all of this jumping here and there.

sometimes love is the only thing we can call our own.

"ive been shooting up your perfume..."

Posted by xoat 3:52 AM

April 15, 2007

“i dont think that anyone feels the way i do about you now.”

me and you are the cubs, you know. next year is always our year.

April 16, 2007

bury me now, we'll figure out the rest later.

me versus myself.

i know that at some point the right words are gonna come to me.

that they are just going to spill out.

thats the only reason i still sit in these darkened rooms in front of blank screens.

i know deep down we can make ourselves bright.

we can shine.

my moods shape shift, they are magnets on a compass.

leaving the arrow spinning if it gets too close.

i hadnt been smiling or speaking up as much as i used to.

i have felt ugly on the inside and no matter what anyone says or does its the only thing going in my ears.

except whats the point.

whats the point of making it through unscathed?

the whole point of this is catharsis.

the whole plan is to get better.

to do the math.

to figure this all out.

to be ok.

to be ok with being ok.

Posted by xoat 1:58 AM

April 17, 2007

the morning after, party.

pirouette next to a baby grand, send all my troubles in reverse. notes on being authentic: the fuck me red lipstick she wears comes off on her teeth- but she rubs her feet on mine to fall asleep, im not sure anyone knows this.

April 17, 2007

"all of a sudden, i miss everyone"

god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.except for "here and there"ssick of all the speculation.this means that, that means this.this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching me.commenting.so thank you for that.id do anything to keep this going forever.even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.didnt even know how to open the doors.not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be mtvified.my best friend is a dog.sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.i just want to let myself be happy.id give anything to not give up on this.take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.

April 22, 2007

"all that hate is gonna burn you up." he said "it keeps me warm at night".

my mind is a safe.

if i keep it in, well be able to blow dust off our secrets before we die.

my body is an orphanage

we take everyone in.

doing lines of dust and sweat off last nights stage-

just to feel like you.

if home is where the heart is then were all just fucked.

i want it so bad id shoot sunshine into my veins.

cant remember the good old days. just cant forget the "old" ones.

its kind of funny the way were all wearing anchors on our shirts

when being anchored or paused just feels like a curse...

i want the weightlessness of love with the carelessness of a fuck

like the way magicians spin the bird into the bars on the back of a page

locking the bird away, except my ribs are the cage

dont know much about classic cars or classic rock-

but i got a lot of friends who are stuck on classic coke.

i must confess i am in love with my sins.

when they said we had chemistry im pretty sure this aint what they meant (me plus you plus tears plus a sedative or two).

cue the water works.

saline.

the plant is pumping overtime to get the toxins out.

not sure which is working faster, your mouth or your tear ducts.

in other news....

April 22, 2007

"all that hate is gonna burn you up." he said "it keeps me warm at night".

you win some.

you lose some.

April 23, 2007

“i plugged it into the socket and the house exploded"

yesterday in the hotel i was supposed to stay at a woman and a man took guns out and threatened to kill a bunch of guests. then the police showed up and they wouldnt put the guns down, so the police shot and killed them. in their room they found a bunch of extra guns and ammunition. i have goosebumps.in response to this and the virginia tech shootings. i dont know what to say. i dont understand why our society influences people to do the things that they do. i am just happy that my friends are safe and that we are still ok.true love.

April 28, 2007

“puppy love vs. teaching old dogs new tricks”

"i know you may roll your eyes at this, but im just so glad that you exist"i dont care what list i end up on.the truth is, i just dont like myself too much.i thank god for the people who love me anyway and can see around that.you inspire me to be a better person.and to let myself feel happy.i hope i bring the same to you.all sappiness aside. go download the video for the kanye "throw some d's" remix on youtube. you will not be disappointed.

posted by xo @ 4:49 PM

April 29, 2007

hi im pete wentz

April 29, 2007

this disfigured face matches these disfigured eyes. sorry baby, evolution never caught up with me. stay gold~

April 30, 2007

“my conscious and i can out-talk david mamet”

life as of late: "usually i like to get kissed before i feel fucked".

i place my bets on stars that are probably already burned out.

i fistfight the keyboard when i think of how things turned out.

Posted by xoat 8:23 PM

[milo-kun]

Today is not a good day for my drawing mental health. I have been struggling for just over a year now and I'm kinda shocked at what I'm going through, im speechless as to what I see.

I've been asked many times why I often blame others or say it's someone besides me when I get this upset. And you know what? It's because I'm trying when others aren't. I tried to work, I tried to draw, and I tried to learn. I've been drawing since I was in 11th grade! I'M 33! Yet when I ask for help, I get the same old "practice, practice, practice." No shit Sherlock I've been practicing for 20 years!

I've been burnt out... no, you know what? im not burnt out. I'm burnt! My hands are burned, and they aren't healing. I have reached out to people I trust and people who i know think of me as an annoyance. So far, the only advice I got that was helpful wasn't even art advice! It was mental health advice! I got told to go slow, let the drawing happen, and dont let it get me down. That helped, but you know what didn't help? "I dunno, take time for yourself" "try something else, for a while" "when I get like this I take a break and build one of my gundams" "Have you tried asking for help?" "Have you thought about going back to school or taking some classes?" and "^^;".

I'm so burned from being told to "just do it, I did." im burned from being told its not that hard, to practice, im burned from being told to draw more. I DREW ALMOST EVERY DAY FOR 3 YEARS! AND PROGRESSED ALMOST ZERO! "Oh, but almost zero isn't zero~" Shut up! I don't wanna hear your success, I don't wanna hear how you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and did it. I DONT HAVE ANY BOOTSTRAPS LEFT! I BROKE THEM ALL PULLING MYSELF UP BY THEM! I don't wanna hear how hard it isn't, or to be told that the best time to try is now. I want someone to help heal my hands, I can't heal my hands myself because I need hands to heal my hands.

I have been left behind for years, and probably a decade of anger had finally come back and burned me. Anger, I wasn't even pointing at the people whom I care for. It was pointed in the direction to help push me forward because no one else was helping enough. "Don't compare yourself to others" FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOOD ADVICE! WHO ELSE SHOULD I PUSH MYSELF TO REACH? MYSELF?! FUN FACK IM ALREADY BESIDE MYSELF! I am filled with rage at how much the art and furry community had pushed me down and held me down. I'm not even a part of the community because of how left behind and exiled I am. Wanna know how I got some of my closest friends? You wanna fucking know? By them vouching for me! Am I grateful? Yes, am I angry about it? Also yes! Don't even get me started on streaming! It sickens me to watch some of my friends support others but won't even look at me. "Check out this amazing artist UwU" but won't support me? You come to my streams and watch quietly? Thank you, that means the world to me. No sarcasm there. You know what would help? Supporting, retweeting, reposting, helping me grow. Like you did for others, they got their success and are still praised to this day. "Have you tried taking to X?" Yes, I have, and they told me the same. Or better yet, no, I can't talk to them. They are so popular now they don't even consider me human.

I dont even name drop, I do everything as professional as possible, and I don't talk about who my friends are to impress people. I don't go talking about how I'm in this game or referenced in that comic or ANYTHING! I do what is best for everyone, and I have to light everything on fire for ANYONE to see im burning.

Oh, but we do support you, we supported you on patreon~ that wasn't support. That was stress. Look at me. I'm about to sound ungrateful! Making fun of me and abusing my ToS isn't support. Making me draw memes isn't support. Saying "I dunno just draw whatever this month" isn't support! It's degrading! If you're not gonna take my art seriously, why in God's name do you think I want to draw what you ask?

I've been left behind and surpassed by everyone younger than me. "It doesn't matter. Everyone grows at their own speed." Well, guess what? I have been growing for years now. Don't give me that shit. It's not helping ME grow. To sit here and watch people younger than me get the support I fought tooth and nail for without even asking makes me wanna throw up. It reminds me of how others want me to fail. They enjoy their luxury and free shit while I cry out to the void waiting for anyone who is interested in helping to help. "I did a great collab with X popular artist" "it was a honor to have X join me on stream" "X helped he grow and get better at art, id be no where without them" FUCK YOU I GET BLOCKED FOR JUST COMMENTING ON POSTS! No one stood up and said "hey Milo that might make you look bad," when I was just being truthful and honest. Like how I'd ask people to be with my posts and art. For fuck's sake the algorithm thinks I'm a bot on Twitter. THAT'S HOW SHOVED DOWN I AM!

One of my biggest feelings is "don't perceive me." I don't want to be noticed by senpai. I want to be helped and supported the same way others are. In the same way you helped someone get better and get enough money to work from home. The same way you partnered with a friend and helped his VN not fall to the wayside because of a friendship fall-out. I want support! I wanna feel like I belong! "Oh, but Milo, I didn't have that. I built my life with my own two hands." Good for you, way to go. That's something to be extremely proud of. No sarcasm. But have you ever heard of the saying "I crawled so you could walk" or "I went to war so you could study the arts"? Just because you suffered doesn't mean I have to, especially when im at a stressed disadvantage! I don't want to be some big-time person, I don't want only popular friends. Don't you dare blame me for your piss poor behavior in realizing you fucked me! I asked for help I asked for assistance and you poured gasoline on my burnt hands!

I'm not right, I never will be, but neither are you for pushing me down, laughing at me, watching me sink, and telling me to try harder when I was already underwater. With one last breath of air I dont dare call out for help, because that air is needed just to stay afloat.

To all who looked at me and said, "I dont know how to help." Thank you for your honesty.

[dullorangepulp]

im honestly kinda sad that among us died

it wasnt my favorite game of all time, and it wasnt even the best game ever made and had some serious game design flaws, but man. I miss the inherent chaoticness of a lobby and feeling like an ace detective when u catch an impostor and watching hours upon hours of youtube vids/twitch streams trying to "git gud".

among us blew up at the perfect time, when the pandemic kept people indoors and fall guys was dying due to the amount of hackers ruining it. Despite it being published 2 years prior at the time, it was able to blow up insanely quickly and save innersloth.

among us seemed like it was one top of the world. everywhere u looked there was among us. it was infectious. everything had an among us character plastered on top of it. vovid was still out there and airborne, but bro, among us was the deadlier virus (not actullay. this is a joke. /j haha dont kill me pls)

and then... it proceeded to not get updates for like. a year.

huh.

i know obviously game development takes a long time, and i dont wanna blame innersloth for being the downfall of among us, since they were clearly trying their best to adjust to all this new attention and popularity and they simply just got in over their heads but dude.

all that lack of meaningful content over the years outside of the big map updates really killed the hype. people simply got bored of it, and went onto other things. I did too. i got bored of playing the same maps over and over, and began to drift off into other stuff. i came back briefly to play around with the new roles update, and i had fun! especially with the shapeshifter role, that was my fav (i mean, they kinda just stole the idea from the roles mod, but hey, it was good there so it's good here).

but the problem was that it came out too late. most people didnt play anymore. most people grew used to only having 2 roles, and refused to activate any of the new roles in their lobby settings.

I just... didn't care about among us anymore to bother playing it.

btw heere;s my ranking of the maps:

Skeld (classic, never gets old, always fun, tho the doors are a bit annoying as crew)

Mira (delicious upside down Y shape my beloved, fun for both crew and imp, but i never could figure out the logs)

Polus (dont play it often since my brain associated it with like. tournament lobbies and sweaty among us competitors, but i love watching vids of others playing it)

Airship (fuck this guy. who thought it was a good idea tomake this the biggest one with the most complicated layout and the most rooms and that goddamn procedurally generated elec maze. any time some asshole with better internet connection than you takes the lil moving platform, you have to walk alllllllll the way around thru the records room, then through showers, through main hall, down the staircase at the end, thru engine room, up the hall in engine room, through the brig, [YES. I STILL REMEMBER THE ENTIRE LAYOUT. IT'S BURNED INTO MY MEMORY] then when youve FINALLY arrived at the other end and do ur task and are ready to go back... some asshole comes down from the meeting room ladder and takes it away from you. fuckighffjhfdjhdfjdfs)

I havent played the newest one so idk where to rank it. it looks pr cool tho. I also havent played the 5up map but it looks cool too.

idk what this whole rant was for. idk if it resonated w/ anyone, or if anyone shares the same feelings as me about this dumb lil astronaut game. but uh. im sad among us died since i think it had a lot of potential.

ya so i hope u enjoyed readin my word vomit???

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

tw: ranting about alcohol addiction and death

i absolutely do not blame myself for my past alcohol addiction. i dont think addiction makes me or anyone else a bad person but holy shit it ruined my life. i was stunted emotionally and socially from 14-17 which is ofc a very important time when it comes to developing mental intelligence and whatnot. i did develop a bit just not as much as anyone else i knew. its really fuckin hard to learn to manage strong emotions and plan for the future and all that when your whole life revolves around drinking.

and yeah i did other things. i had a job and i was in school and i loved my pets. besides the pets (i love the animals) not much mattered to me besides the next drink. the rest of the shit was filler. in my mind trying to do things like becoming more socially and emotionally aware was useless bc it was just more shit getting in the way of my next drink. bc even then i knew that shit takes work and research and time and that i shouldnt do it while drunk. my solution to this was to not do it at all and keep drinking

and now ive stopped drinking and ive done my best to make up for the bad stuff i did while i was an addict. it is so much easier to be kind and to support others and get involved in my community now that alcohol isnt a huge part of my life. it wasnt some major switch. i didnt have a moment where i was like "wow! i died from alcohol poisoning and was revived. my life must have some magical purpose!" i did realize that my circumstances were absolutely amazing and that i was not gonna fuck up my second chance at life.

im not perfect at all and i never will be and i dont wanna be. ill probably never have a normal relationship with substances (doubt ill stop smoking ever) and i have a boatload of mental and physical issues but for once my life is my own. it doesnt belong to a bottle of elderberry pear vodka i stole from my parents or whatever. now im almost 2 years clean and im finally able to notice how much more clear and solid my brain feels. im more in tune with my emotions and i care more deeply than i ever have before. im learning about new shit and changing my mind on things and picking up new hobbies and meeting people and im having an absolute blast.

pretty often i think that this stuff im doing would be more enjoyable if i was drinking still. and that's so so wrong because i would have never done any of this had i still been drinking.

anyway this isnt meant to be some inspirational success story. some ppl might see me as that and there's also a fuck ton that see me as a failure bc im not fully healed and may never be. i really just got lucky enough to live longer than i shouldve and im trying my absolute best with what I've got. idk if im doing any of this right and idc bc for once im just having fun and enjoying things all the time :)).