#i dont even feel like im splitting anymore. thats its just part of me now. im always splitting.

[rotting-in-the-forest]

tell me you dont care. just tell me you dont care!.

[snekdood]

i feel weird even claiming my family used to be considered "rich" bc a lot of yall immediately jump to having summer homes, 20 yachts, and enough money to save a country

[fictionfixations]

Book 7 JP spoilers (recent-est i think)

(recently found out how to do keep reading bits.)

i. have been told what happened

you know this groovy with him crying

i know context now

and

oh my god

my. heart. ughUISHfdi rOOOOK.

(m gonna be honest rook was never my favorite and i honestly didnt know how to feel about him. [to be fair i hated sebek at one point but now im like a huge sebek fan so.] but i think when this gets onto EN and i play through it im just gonna be a huge rook fan man.)

like

okay

so i know what happens in the story

(also i love this so much this is now in my mind, rook's actual room pre-nrc [except vil's not in an RSA uniform LMFAO. actually if it was PRE-NRC i dont think either of them would have enrolled at a school yet, unless neige is older than vil, or unless RSA doesnt do the same enrollment ages or whatever like NRC)

ACTUALLY SCRATCH THAT NEIGE IS IN HIS 2ND YEAR???

??????? people notice so much oh my god..

wait....

actually do you think neige joined a school because he saw vil join one?? cause. i think he really idolizes vil. (actually kind of makes me think of cheka idolizing leona)

huh. random thought.

i mean i only know a summary of it (im fine with spoilers ngl and i dont care even if you shove like a fully translated post of the entire chapters and stuff.. i just like seeing story that i dont mind rereading)

but like man. its gonna break me when we're there for that moment. (in EN)

i

dont want to say anything in case there's an EN person here. and i mean if they're spoiling themselves all the more power to them but i also feel like its one of those things that are a LOT more impactful when you encounter it for the first time so im just. not gonna try to learn more about it and wait. (although its like. JP is in Part 8 i think, we're in Part 4??? that seems so far away sob. but also we gotta finish lilia's dream first so...)

im just. sadge. (also idk what vil's dream is but i think we end up seeing it. unless it was actually a render of him from rook's dream, which i wouldnt think is too far off. but also--)

THIS IS APPARENTLY CANON?

I SAW IT AND I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE BUT THEN I RAN INTO IT AGAIN??? and its like. LISTEN. he looks so goofy i cant... epel. i love you. but oh my god (i cant take you seriously im SORRY im DEAD)

also he's still in pomefiore which is cool (he accepted his cuteness! although i dont know how much of a weapon his cuteness would have now..?. you think he snaps out of it cause ppl might laugh at him [and then he beats them up] but he still gets irritated cause what the heck im not cute anymore--- [..wait. i was never cute. what am i on about.] ...i keep overusing the word cute and i know he wouldnt use it himself but i have a very small vocabulary.)

im just.

i dont know how to feel about this ??? (it feels more cursed than hatless rook. i can at least pretend he isnt hatless. but like. epel..)

also vil in rsa /neg /hj (the rsa uniform looks so bland and i like him in darker colors)

okay im gonna be honest i have a dislike against RSA. and thats honestly because im petty and hold grudges.

also i like my villain boys and i just want them to win (..yknow. i really dont think GloMas counts when the RSA boys were actually nice enough to like. ..take hits for them??? and then we were planning on leaving them like LMFAO 'not my problem')

so yeah.

actually wait if rooks dream takes place in VDC how the fuck

WHO IS NRC TRIBE????

CAUSE VIL'S IN RSA WITH NEIGE?? HELLO??? WHAT.

WE'RE NOT WINNING WHAT THE HELL

(unless our role in the dream is to drop a jawdropping performance [idfk do we have diasomnia boys minus lilia(? i honestly dont know how lilia's dream ends and if he joins us) and malleus???)

but listen. if vils the best. and neige is the best.

we're so. not winning..? (i was going to ask if it was gonna be like rook this time voting for NRC and thats how we win. but like. HELL no are we gonna have it be split 50/50 again like that)

anyway i am still very excited and so pumped and oh my god fhsuihe

i find it so funny that at the start of the post i was so crushed like 'oh my god...' cause angst and then here i am doing a complete 180

EDIT: hold on. i didnt think to think about it but now that we know what his room looks like

thats his bed. you can see the neige part. and that thing he's holding onto is like the movie poster (or i assume its a movie poster) with vil and neige

ngl i saw some people linking it up to like the hunter crying on snow white's dress

which. i never saw this movie so like (i dont even want to know what happened but also these movies are OLD. also in like sleeping beauty?? i saw the animated of once upon a dream or something like that and mans just comes up to her out of nowhere. no warning and holds her and sings and im just like brUH if you did that id fucking hit you like WHAT???)

also i just noticed his muscles goddamn.

[carmenpeach]

hm okay something thats been on my mind for like over a year now. sometime last year? or maybe closer to almost 2 years(!?) i started taking antipsychotics cause i just couldnt stand the paranoia anymore it had been ruining my life and i just could not function as a person and i was sick of the daily panic attacks. but like i thought "if i dont like how this makes me feel, i can stop and just go back to being crazy" and obviously i wasnt enjoying it- mostly it made me feel really numb to enjoyment and i found that my special interests were just becoming background noise for me at most and it was really hard like i didnt wanna draw or even play games it was like "wake up go to work come home smoke weed go to bed repeat"

and it was like my stuffed animals quit feeling like sentient and started to feel like just objects and it made me feel sick. like my toys had always been alive in a way and then suddenly they werent, but thats definitly not the reason i was so distressed being sane, since i know that special objects are bound to over the years not feel like friends etc etc <- mentally ill whatever. it was like there was a sudden wash of clarity over me and i hated it.

like it was like i was split in two in a way, and this is the part thats hard to explain unless you personally know the feeling. a lot of schizophrenic people have this feeling of like another person/ self residing in the back of the head or spine. and it gives this sense of paranoia, of being over your shoulders or under your skin just beneath you. and until a few years ago i didnt know this was something other people felt sometimes, and it was terrifying just feeling this entity of sorts possessing me in a way. i had felt it ever since i was a kid (maybe 9? for sure became a hard issue by the time i was 12 though so you know. early schizophrenia if not life long) but i never mentioned it to anyone for a variety of reasons, primarily because there was this feeling that if i outwardly acknowledged it, then it would know that i knew about it, and it would get me. whether that was killing me, torturing me, pulling me into another dimension, or taking over my body. and after 2 decades it just became part of my every day life, this thing within me that would always look for an opportunity to torment me in some unknown but inhumane way. and it was just this all consuming feeling, even feeling its thoughts inside my head, and not being sure where i ended and it began, and i accepted it as just a part of me for better or for worse.

and so starting antipychotics, they did their job and i felt "normal" and i was sleeping regularily for the first time in my life (would lay awake for hours and hours ever sinde like idk 3rd grade. 5 hours a night max usually and then that was plagued by nightmares. and of course the constant hallucinations and delusions in the meantime made sleep even harder) and i even felt less of that endless anger inside of me. and i hated it. it was like after being on it for idk maybe 2 weeks or a month or something i just suddenly in the day felt this clarity wash over me and just like that, the spine creature was gone. it was quiet upstairs. and ive felt hollow ever since. i quit the medication not long after but ive felt the same. its like it got mad at me and left to teach me a lesson for trying to toy with it. and ive been a half human ever since. its spacious in my body and in my mind, used to holding two people and now its just one. and ive spent so much time trying to induce epiosdes and just hoping(?) it comes back, but it hasnt.

its like im being forced to live as a human when im not. "being human" is this like aspect ive always struggled with, like im not gonna go into it but ive been forced to live as a non human my whole life, and every time i start to feel that feeling of "maybe i could be a person" something fucking outlandish happens and kicks me back down. i feel like a cartoon character the way everything is such a "yeah this sort of shit would happen to me" moments all the time. and like in a weird way, i always had this "evidence" i was a non human, with this otherworldly thing living inside of me and it was me.

for a long time i thought of it as the "original" me before all the events in my life forced me to create a new version of myself, and that it hated me. like i was one person ripped in two, and the part you have now (carmen) is the "active" "half" but its only half of a full person. but the other half certainly wasnt a person either. ive had many theories of what it is/ was, but knew i would never know, all i knew was that i could never acknowledge it. and its funny cause knowing that "its just schizophrenia" doesnt ease that feeling. its hard to explain. but what im getting at is that ive spent the last two years learning to navigate myself as only a fraction of what i was before.

its interesting cause i wouldnt say the insanity is gone, every now and then paranoia rears its head and certain topics that would make me have an episode will still freak me out. but i can walk past mirrors now (mirrors were always a 100% episode inducing thing) and i still sleep regularily and ive been eating stable too. but its still with this feeling of hollowness. im used to there being two people inside my body and now its just one, and its too spacious and its almost like i get lost in there. only one set of thoughts in my head, only one person looking through my eyes, only one person controlling my arms. i always felt like an alien and thought i always would. and i found great joy in embracing my schizophrenia rather than hiding it as some terrible secret. and it was the best thing i ever did for myself, was finally being open about my psychosis. ive made so many meaningful connections to other psychotic people, and im so happy ive met ppl that helped me understand myself and that im not the only one that feels this, and also that ive helped other people realize their own psychosis too.

i thought i could play pretend at being a normal person and go back to myself if i didnt like it, but i ended up staying this way. i know its not impossible for that feeling to come back maybe, but my god its horrifying to lose it the way i did. it feels only the more recent months ive started to adapt to being the only me in my body, and to feel like i could maybe be human too. yeah it was scary, but on the other hand now its kind of lonely in a really weird way, and not something i thought was possible either, i can still feel the impression where it was even as it fills in with my own shape now.

[syscultureis]

Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

.

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[traumavents]

tw // brainwashing, unreality, dissociation

my feelings about my dad are so unbelieveably confusing. and it didnt even have to be this way

its so much harder because i feel like my thoughts arent my own, and they never have been. and they never will be

im split down the middle on everything ive ever done because it feels like theres two parts of me, one that believes him and hangs on his every word and one that entirely disagrees. both parts hate each other. the one that believes in him is significantly stronger than the other. i dont even know which part is meant to be "real", theyre both me but at the same time theyre both not.

i cant even tell whats real or not anymore, all because of my dad. everything feels fake. im living in a lie. i never know what or who to believe about everything, because everything is contradicting. i cant just take the middleroad forever, or try and pretend im two completely different people forever, but that feels like what i need to do to survive. because if i dedicate myself to one side or the other, i will always-- ALWAYS-- believe that the other side is true, and that the side i picked is fake. not even real. no matter what, im dedicating myself to the lies told by the other side. and there is nothing that can put that back together.

i dont even think i can go to therapy for this because a large part of this and my trauma in general has created an EXTREME aversion for therapy. what if i talk about this in therapy and they take my dad away? or take ME away? ive been told my whole life you can never trust a therapist, and that their whole career is to break families, so thats another thing im half and half on. part of me KNOWS i so badly need therapy so i can feel like im whole again. the other would fight and kick and scratch to get out of therapy. the latter is stronger.

why did he have to go to ME about everything? why did he have to convince me of all those things? i was just a KID. a kid who spent her whole life being told that the world was going to end every day. a kid who spent her whole life eagerly telling her dad what she learned at school that day, just for him to break down how all of it was wrong and to trust him instead. the kid who hung on her dads every word as he told her that everything i knew was a lie and that the government was behind everything and EVERYTHING was a conspiracy. the kid who laughed at my mom when she tried to tell me i was brainwashed by him, and then was only content when my dad told me that my mom was the one brainwashed, not me. the kid who, now, every time anything about that is mentioned, will dissociate violently to the point where i forget to even breathe and blink.

maybe i wasnt truly BRAINWASHED, maybe im making a big deal out of nothing, but either way thats a lot for a kid. i felt like i was in fight or flight constantly, because at any moment i was convinced i would need to run for my life at the drop of a hat.

i guess the only solace is that my dad has always told me i was stronger than my sister. he left her alone with all of this. he used me to get it out of his system. so, in that way, i protected her. and if hes right, and i really am stronger than her, then thats something im grateful for, at least. that i could take care of it for her.

sorry this got kind of long. this has been all thats been on my mind for a while.

🩷

[straycalamities]

no for real the onceler fandom when i was a huge part of it (2015/2016) was so fuckin toxic half the people left bc everyone was praising one or two blogs and acting like everyone else was dirt. it was super discouraging and i ran about 3 blogs and the only interactions i ever got was from people starting drama :(

im not sure what the askblog scene looks like today but im HOPING and PRAYING its better

eughh im sorry that sounds like absolute hell...i barely dipped my toes in because i was recovering from Stuff (stuff that took me to this year to get over enough to even make another personal blog) so i wasnt Too up-to-date with what was going on in the fandom from 2015 tooo 2019?ish? even if i popped in on entre's blog time to time, but i've heard stuff from others and friends

i think the askblog scene is A LOT more chill these days. a lot more lax and there's sooo much just...Less of everything that it makes things easier to like take in stride at least to me compared to 2012-2014 days where everything was so intense, extreme, and constant

there's still the like ghosts of the same issues that've been present since day one but its like...on a MUCH lesser scale. i honestly think it's pretty good all things considered :) the only thing that makes it rly hard for me compared to past eras is how split the fandom is uhhh app/site-wise (like its very much spread across tiktok, tumblr, twitter, discord, maybe more...idk) and so it feels like im missing out if i dont keep up everywhere LMAO and each location comes with its own issues either population-wise or site/app-wise

i miss how centralized it used to be to tumblr u_u and obviously having more content to look at back in the day, i got very spoiled on it so when i peruse the fandom content its like a lot less to look at but thats honestly GOOD FOR ME BC I HAVE NO TIME NOW LMAOOOO but its just like strange bc im like woah i dont have to scroll for an hour on entres dash anymore to catch up

well i do, but that's bc i have no time to check it on work days and so it piles up for when i do sit and take the time. cant imagine the hell i'd be in if it was 2012-era activity

ppl who had full-time jobs in the fandom in 2012 damn...i salute you.

unfortunately with a fandom as niche as this, it kinda cooks up the same issues over and over again and it makes me wish there was some sort of disclaimer that popped up as soon as you wanted to join the fandom to give you a rundown on how the culture is, who the people are, what the past drama was (so dont bring it up again), and all that LMFAO like a onceler fandom 101 that was just beamed into your device when you were like hmm what if i joined the onceler fandom LMAO

i kinda wanna do something like that specifically for askblogs? like a dos and donts. or "things i wish i knew when i started an askblog" type of thing but alas..no time. bc i see other mods go through the same obstacles/difficulties i went through and learned to either change my thinking on, or something else to either help me get past it/over it or at least cope better and id wanna pass that on if the fandoms gonna keep getting revived every two or so years and then cave in on itself from the same rehashed drama/problems it always has :sob emoji:

[davestriderascend]

the mspa reread, pt 7

after finishing homestuck, ive been working my way progressively through the other content available on the unofficial collection. at this point, all thats left to reconsume is problem sleuth, so ill just recap my feelings about everything else in one singular post here to keep the flow going.

if youre new here, dont even worry about it. the previous parts dont matter, unless you want to read my homestuck recaps.

so heres the recap of the unofficial collection bonus material, ig

Skaianet

i was one of the few people who was there when this came out and managed to read the whole thing before it was shut down. i reread it. no further comments.

Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff, + Team Special Olympics

i am not reading either of these. ive glimpsed more than enough in passing.

The Vigil Prince

i read this but i genuinely have no idea what the fuck its supposed to be???

Ryanquest

probably the shortest thing on the site outside of the vigil prince. its pretty funny ig

Namco High

ive played a decent number of dating sims in my life, and this is my least favorite. i played through davesprites route and then resolutely decided i wouldnt bother playing any more. there are too many fucking characters, there arent really any choices, and the whole thing is just a drag. i tried looking up walkthroughs or playthroughs for the purpose of this recap, but i found nothing bc of how unpopular/how little time this game was available for. i was unfamiliar with all characters except the cousin, teh ship thing i GUESS? nad obviously the hs characters. this did not help anything. i think davesprites route was probably the most interesting one anyway.

Paradox Space

i owned this book, i think. i know when i first read the comic i read the physical version. its in storage now, so i just reread it thru the collection. its still really good. i didnt realize hussie had actually written some of the comics. its funny, and parts of it are really great bonus material or commentary on hs.

summerteen romance surprisingly enough holds up for me as both comedic genius and a surprisingly sincere commentary on hivebent and karkats feelings about it on the meteor trip. mister seven remains my favorite comic, but the last one with vriska and equius was particularly powerful, leaning into a chaotic art style that really emphasized vriskas desperation and incoherence as she lost more and more blood. it made me think of what arkham asylum by grant morrison wanted to be. in general though, there are a lot of genuinely really sweet and funny moments in the comic as a whole. i think i loved it more on my reread than i did on my first read.

Jailbreak

jailbreak is a short comic with one splitting track (with no real consequence) wherein a guy tries to escape from jail with some other guys. if i recall, this one is entirely based off of reader suggestions, so its really random and all over the place. its also very characteristic of hussies earlier era humor.

i remember loving it the first time i read it, but honestly? a lot of the jokes were just kind of distressing on my reread. the dark humor just really isnt my thing anymore i guess. its just kind of... gross now.

still, it has a lot of influence on jokes in homestuck. lord jack's entire jail sequence is like, a direct riff off of this comic. this is also where the what pumpkin joke comes from, and the porno sword. the elf saw a penis and began to cry meme is from this comic.

Bard Quest

hussies incomplete short comic. this is where she really experimented with splitting tracks. however, unlike in homestuck and jailbreak, none of them are resolved, which can result in a clunky narrative where you just have too many damn tabs open.

this is very obviously where the codpiece thing started.

Albums

once youve finished homestuck, hiveswap acts 1 and 2 ost unlock, as well as the friendsim ost, a "grubbles" album based off of the fictional hiveswap band, and the final "beyond canon" album.

Hiveswap OST

im a sucker for the hiveswap soundtrack, absolutely. act one especially is fantastic. but the real highlight of this album is toby and james's track commentary. they bicker back and forth and joke around in the notes, and honestly, its fucking hysterical. act 2 is also good, but it doesnt have any of the commentary.

The Grubbles

its good! it has a nice, consistent sound, and the tracks are pretty solid. its very short, though, and i dont have a ton to say about it.

Friendsim OST

the reality is that everything james roach makes is pretty fire. some of the commentary on this albums really interesting, also. i really like M O I S T and >tfw another james roach song, i think theyre some of the most powerful tracks in terms of atmosphere. however, service car is definitely my favorite. its just so funky.

Beyond Canon

something i think is interesting about beyond canon is that its largely new artists. in all of the previous hs albums, you got the sense that a lot of the musicians knew each other and worked together or listened to each others work, and as a result, you really see them build off of each other. there are so many repeating sounds and motifs, with people constantly remixing each others works, or sticking to similar themes in instruments or sounds- ie; favoring piano in songs about john, whatever. theres a distinct sound to those early albums where you listen and youre like, oh yeah, this is a homestuck album.

i dont get that with beyond canon. it doesnt reference any older stuff. these arent recognizable artists whove influenced homestuck for ages. its all new.

robert j, one of like four returning artists, says this in the track commentary:

about five months ago i was contacted to be a part of the homestuck 2 music team and was told the lowdown: it was a clean slate, and a chance to establish the musical rockbed for homestuck 2 going forward. no quotes of hs1 songs whatsoever, but we'd be making new songs TO quote

which pretty much backs up everything i said. and i get the purpose of something like this, but it does present a challenge for new musicians because theyre working without the same base for nostalgia. the fact that there isnt a ton of really distinct musical diversity in this album, with a lot of it relying on a very electronic sound to the point where i originally thought the album was themed, rather than a supposed new start for this new era of homestuck, also may be challenging when moving forward with new albums.

idk. its a fine album, the songs are fine, but nothing about it really sticks out to me.

Final Thoughts

anyway, all thats left now is to reread problem sleuth, and then i can uninstall this massive fucking thing. i might replay the games, or reread the post canon stuff eventually, but the light is shining at the end of the tunnel at last

[highonthought]

Single gorl

So danny broke up with me today, officially. He called me as I was on my way to an interview. I answered and let hime know that I couldn't talk just yet bc i was busy. So, I went to my interview, did awesome, got along well with hr. And I called danny after. Part of me was hoping that he would be apologetic, and sorry for his confuison, and for hurting me in the midst of his confusion. But, no. There was no confusion. He spoke with a meek certainty. "I dont think im in a place were i can be in a relationship" , "I think, I just want to be single right now."

I am split. I cried in waves today. Rolling waves, some small, some big where my boogers are running down my face, and i can taste the salt no matter how often i wipe my face. Im split between believing him at face value, that he doesnt feel any romantic feelings towards me, that i became just a chore to him. Im split between that and beleiveing that he broke up with me to not have to deal with a relationship in case he is deployed. The world is, crumbling. I hope for freedom to prevail. This scenario allows for him to be a martyr in his desicion to leave me. So that if he goes, really goes, I dont die from grief. I dont spend the rest of my life mourning him. Well, We mingled for almost two years. I'd say that gives me, mmm 24 weeks to sit in heartbreak. Thats 6 months. I love him still, even now. Maybe if I knew his real reasons. Maybe if he cheated. Maybe if he told me how unattractive to him i was. Maybe if he said i was gross to him. Maybe if he said he didn't like my traits, my mannerisms. Actually, I do have "I don't know if i love you anymore". Danny doesn't do anything irrationally. Thats one of the things i loved about him, he had such sense. Knowing this, I know he did not lie, no matter how desperately i'm hoping he did.

He was the only person to message me through ig. Now, every notification i glance at my screen with a small tug in my heart praying that its him, coming to his senses. I still cant believe it. He left me. Danny left me. It was supposed to be us. High school sweethearts, who found each other again. We were different, i thought that made us stronger, it was cute. I guess I'm the romantic. I have my career. I have my family. And ill always have the memories of us when He did love me. The man i miss and long for now, doesn't exist. I think he faded away long before danny actually wants to admit to me. But, ill choose to beleive it was after our one year anniversary, because the letter he wrote me was too beautiful to be fake. Thats what i want to beleive. Im gladd he was my first boyfriend. Because when there was love, the love was true, and innocent, and kind, and tender, and young. We will always be young in our love, in mine. I kept the pictures. When I am old, and sick, I know i will be happy to look at myself, young 20s, being happy. Because in all my memories and pictures with him, I am happy. Except today. But like i said, today he was not the daniel i once loved. The man I loved could not bear to make me cry and ache like this.

[theintrovertwithadhd]

blah

feeling very, very blah today.

I want to say it's likely because I'm about to get my period and I know that is true, but my mind plays so many tricks on me and I'm just teaching myself now how to train it and not listen to all the thoughts in my head and think that they're all real because they are not.

Work is changing a lot. It went from just me and my co-worker to now a boss and 2 other coworkers on our team and it's definitely been quite an adjustment.

It was just the 2 of us managing the department, so when we got a boss she split both of our roles into 2 roles which I am VERY grateful for and incredibly proud of myself for being a 1 man show for the marketing and communications, however it's been well over a month and I still have yet seen my revised job description. I've brought it up several times, and I ensure to angle it so I am clear on my tasks and can check all the boxes that I'm suppose to be doing now. Every time I ask she'll just say "oh ya..." so what do I even say after that??

The new guy who took over the other half of the role is alright. He's quite creative and incredibly digitally talented. He used to be a freelancer but then got sick of not being able to "turn off" as an entrepreneur, so thats why he wanted to work for someone else.

He keeps complaining about how hes on week 3 and the company still hasn't provided him his work computer, so he has to bring in his $6000 computer everyday - which I really don't see it being that terrible. I mean it's not ideal that after that long we still haven't provided him one and ya it doesn't look great... but then he'll make comments about what we are providing him is a "downgrade" compared to what he is working with and was disappointed we weren't able to provide him with all of his asks. Like dude, you have to remember where you are working here, we aren't a top high level company corporation here - its a yacht club... I don't know why this bothered me so much.

Then this week the new girl who took over the other half of my coworkers job started. Shes young, peppy and very outgoing. Idunno why but I find her kind of annoying. it feels like she tries really hard, I guess because she just started and shes young. What really annoys me is that she seems to get along REALLY well with my favourite coworker Angela (The one where it was just me and her all along).

Also everyone is starting to just love her, especially HR and it's so fucking annoying because I really don't like HR. She trying to make this place into a hotel vibe, and it's not a hotel... it is a yacht club...

They're all just obsessed with her, and I mean thats great, but idunno, I guess i'm jealous? or something about my ego here, because I feel like I used to be her and the entertainer when I worked at my previous corporate job a few years ago. I loved being that outgoing, spunky, fun one who stuck out from the group. But I that's not really me anymore and part of that makes me sad, but on the other hand part of me is grateful that my life isn't that chaotic anymore because those are the stories that I would share at the lunch table at work. So maybe it's a good thing because really all these stories she tells is about her toxic friends or things that happen to her - when I've been through that and learned my stuff.

I'm the type of person who goes to work to get shit done, make a difference, do my job and learn while I go. But this whole setting almost feels like a popularity contest and it's soooo different then what Im used to (with the corporate background). I've read before that 80% of doing well at work is the people liking you, and 20% how well you actually doing your job.

Reminder:

you are learning from this expereince

you are liked by your coworkers

you are also older than her and this is her "young chaotic" time in her life

You have a life outside of work

You've come to a point where you dont' care if people like you, you know your people

[someone-who-has-changed]

there’s this weird feeling when you’ve talked with someone you haven’t talked with in a long time. It’s confusing and weird, unsettling. There’s a shift in your mind, bringing you back to that place your brain used to live when you once knew them. the world sort of cracks; reality is split between the one you’re living in and the one you once did. things change so drastically, internally and externally; seeing two realities at once is barely scratching the surface of the story. 

my boyfriend from 8th grade texted me yesterday. it was strange seeing his name pop up on my phone after a couple years of it missing. we dated in 8th grade and flirted/’were a thing’ through the beginning of 9th, until i ripped his heart out by dating the biggest douche in our grade. it didn’t last though, and soon enough i was back to talking to him. he did not like that. he was unreceptive and irritated, as he should have been. i gave up, our friendship, what was left of it, was over. I met jon soon thereafter. jon was my world. jon taught me to forget everything else that wasnt him. memories became blurred, forced into a spot where they would remain for almost 7 years now. jon left the picture 4 years after douche did. 

freshman year of college started and my heartbroken self reached out to 8. i was drunk at the time of texting him, hoping maybe if he came over he could hold me,  or we could fuck, maybe both. my ignorant self pushed onto him even though he had a girlfriend that he was deeply in love with. she lived far away, it would have been easy. but im not that girl, hes not that guy. (I should say not that girl unless its birdman who didnt tell me). we spent about a week talking, it was nice to have a friend who knew parts about me other people didnt. friend - it actually felt like he was a friend, that is not sarcasm. then life went quiet, his name no longer appeared on my phone, nor did mine on his.

here we are, 3 years later. he messages me, the conversation starts, just as it did freshman year. except this time it’s something different. there isnt a mention of a girl in his life, there is only awkward. i asked him how she was doing, having known to hear alot about her that week freshman year. he said he didnt know. he said he doesnt talk to her anymore. thats when i realized, he was doing the same thing i was doing all those years ago. he denies it, but i feel if i were not to be in this relationship with the man i plan to marry, things would have been different on his part. whether or not they would be on mine does not matter, it is not a reality i’ll ever dream. he claims to just want to talk and catch up, as his gf did not let him talk to me when they were together, familiar. i think maybe this is true, at least a part of truth. 

it is strange talking to him. the memories bubble up in confusing segments. i think about my first kiss, my first date, my first school dance. i think about the awkward time i rode my bike 2 miles to make out with him in the high school baseball teams dugout. gosh it was gross. he tasted like mexican, despite the fact he had chewed gum on the way. i didnt care though; until i did and lied and said i had to leave. im laughing writing this, it makes me happy to remanence. 

i know i genuinely loved him, and i know he loved me. it was a naive love, one that was untouched by previous hurt and confused boundaries. we were 14, boundaries were still set by parents and prudish upbringing. perhaps thats why i feel i miss him in these moments. i dont miss him, i miss the memories. i miss the brain untouched by jon, untouched by alcohol and abuse. i miss a time before realizing how being an adult is harder than i ever thought. i miss being a kid when all that mattered was sitting next to your boyfriend in history class trying not to caught holding hands under the table.

[spiderton]

i had to split this into another reblog i hate this site so fucking much

sokshis gate counts as a machine due to it having many parts, but it was created in the first place at the beginning of the ah-oohs invading. looking back i wouldnt say what happened with the ah-oohs and karmen was a "war", because here they were just planning to enslave a bunch of innocent people for selfish purposes (the ah-oohs are incredibly european to me and i have to state that slogturtle, buzzcrave, and covet hiss wont ever be redeemed due to them engaging in this) . the patapons themselves had set patapole on the karmens land after finding the egg, which was literally being watched over by the karmen until they came along and took a big chunk of land. karmens tried to settle things peacefully with the patapons but they were literally up their ass a big chunk of the time that they continued to settle down in land that didnt even belong to them. i already stated this hc somewhere on my blog, but dettankarmen isnt really a demon but a god that was born out of the rightful anger the karmens had, and then patapole fell because of dettankarmen.

i think its much more interesting that dettankarmen is the one who "tricked" hero into breaking the egg, a god begging to be released so it could release its people from the grasp of the pons. ormen i feel had some involvement, he heard dettankarmen in pain and the moment the egg was cracked him and other karmens striked. patapons then and probably now dont understand why theyre so disliked due to their ignorance (if anything patapons are like. "oh we can be best friends! we just need to compromise!" while ignoring the elephant in the room) before the patapons returned the karmens had experienced freedom for centuries but many of them were still affected by the ah-oohs and patapons actions. even if they were basically left alone (and the moment zigotons tried to come in, they were literally kicked out and told to never set foot on the continent. some smugglers still stole native plants like shookles though for kharma) there was still fear that another group of asshats would come back

even if the patapons did return they know the egg wasnt really. earthend. and i feel the princess was trapped bc ormen saw her as the only good royal and didnt bother to murk her on sight (but basically gave her other lasting trauma, like being stuck in an egg for years and hardly interacting with nyone else) princess probably began to slowly understand why the karmens feel the way they do and just went "yeah you can still have patapole we dont need it anymore" despite medens complaints. id go on more but uh. karmens here have a lot going on and if anyones wondering, "this is a lot of retcons to protray the karmens as sympathetic" thats my point! even if karmens can do shitty things i think they are protrayed awfully and not all of them are fucking asshats and can be complex nd provide commentary on the world. yes my patapon takes are also political. art is political dont bother me about being woke. thats a big chunk that i can offer but if anyones a first nations person of the specific folks i mentioned in the beginning, feel free to give me criticism. in my stuff i dont wanna focus on the horrors all that much because im fully aware that its tiresome. thats about all i can say here abut karmens

sorry i forgor. anyway im intrigued, what are your karmen hcs?

no worries anon o7 i think this will be pretty long alongside some retcons of stuff. its more of an au than anything else but i just call them hcs out of habit

the most important thing is that karmens are very varied depending on where they live, but also some karmens can be mixed between other chiefdoms (such as a pretty critical character, pyropmen, as her mother is a mt. gonrok karmen and her father is a swamp karmen) due to me slacking all the rest dont really.. have names except for the diongamala (which are karmens that live in rainforests, jungles, and shorelines) an important thing il state is that these chiefdoms are based off irl indigenous cultures, such as the tundra being from inuit inspiriation, mt.gonrok spider canyons and savannah being inspired from dine/navajo people, the oasis being inspired by the maasai people, and diongamala being inspired off of the kwakwakaʼwakw. i think its important to state my inspirations (that i feel in some cases are very, very clear) and that a big chunk of characters that i made whom are karmens are indigenous people and that is very, very important. i also dont belong to any of these groups, so if anyone who happens to be from them- they are free to tell me what to use inspiration as and whats not and criticize my hcs. all il state for the time being for the masks, theres a lot of reasons why karmens wear them. its for religious purposes (such as honoring a deity), or for practical purposes (a lot of karmens have another pair of masks thats used while doing work, or being in battle; many red and orange masks are incredibly defensive against a variety of weapons). a lot of karmens i feel get peeved if somepon asks to see their face, since its a personal matter. masks are also for expression of ones self. even if each mask varies on each chiefdom, one karmens mask doesnt have to "fit" in. this is why i often try to make karmens have differing masks (from things being. stupidly detailed to simpleish) i feel karmens obviously arent a monolith in how they act and feel about others, like i dont think they rely on magic or whatever the fuck. speaking of magic i feel that yes it obviously exists in patapon but like i said before karmens dont. rely on it. there are engineers and chefs and poets that exist and the toxin karmens employ engineers so they can create things like the zugagang. this relates to my spiderton hcs bc their inventions are so impressive that some zigoton engineers such as spiderton had taken heavy inspiration from it

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh

a/n: im a seijoh stan and theyre my little plant babies

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

this is so long oml i hate myself

theyre an actual boy band istg

lets be honest, they probably thought you were just another oikawa fangirl

they thought you just wanted to be closer to their captain bc you were another delusional girl who wanted to live out her fantasies

lmao im not trying to be salty

but when you just stared blankly at oikawa tooru after he called you a beautiful flower,

stageplay hinata calling you a mugwort

the team just about threw themselves on your feet

tbh you werent really there to get a boyfriend or for oikawa

you just needed an after school club and the other teams already had managers

the only sport that didnt was the boys volleyball team

imagine why

you were actually a little wary, since you knew of oikawa, being a first year yourself, and you were aware of his psycho fangirls who could probably kill you

but you needed a club that would last you for the next 3 years to graduate

it was kunimi who actually recommended being a manager

you were in his class and you noticed him sleeping in the morning so you gave him your energy bar

‘thanks’

you shrugged and smiled

thats why he tolerated you more than others

you were nice and you were the only one who noticed his tiredness, even the teacher left him alone, and did something about it

sometimes, you even gave him an energy drink

‘can you tell me why youve been so tired lately? i dont think ive seen you wake up until lunch’

he opened the snack and started munching while replying

‘early morning practice for volleyball is still a big adjustment. our captain demands us to be there 6 in the morning sharp and if we’re even a minute late, we’d have to run laps. like for every minute youre late, you have to run those amount’

oh my why is kunimi talking so much

but i love kunimi and first year seijoh boys rights in this household is valid

you furrowed your eyebrows

‘but yall are still growing and you need all your sleep. if i were there, id yell at your captain’

he grinned slightly, imagining your short height beating up their captain

‘meh. you want to be our manager? i saw you looking at the clubs board yesterday and we dont have one so you could take the opportunity and beat him up then’

ofc you agreed bc kunimi was best boi and you just wanted him to have enough sleep for once

after class, he waited for you to finish packing up and when you finished, yall left the classroom

until another guy with a spiky hairstyle joined you and you noticed him as the guy who sometimes came over to eat lunch with kunimi

‘oh, hello l/n-san’

you smiled gently

‘drop the formalities, kindaichi-kun. its only fair.’

he nodded before walking beside kunimi

‘kindaichi, l/n might be our new manager’

the onion head excitedly looked at you

‘really?! yes! so we dont have to fill our bottles ourselves anymore!’

kunimi glared at him and slapped his stomach

‘shes our manager, not our maid’

you laughed but placed an arm on him

‘its okay. i was a manager for my middle school volleyball team so i know a little bit about being one’

the two shared a look

god, they really hit the jackpot

as yall walked closer to the gym, you noticed the big pile of girls huddling at the corner

kunimi sighed

‘l/n, ill warn you ahead of time of our captain. hes kinda,,,, too much’

but you flashed him a smile

‘hes not the first one ive handled’

oml player-chan!!!

so when you opened the door and entered the gym and oikawa hit you with his normal antics, you just stared at him

‘okay and?’

hanamaki and mattsun howled before rushing to you and grabbing you in a hug

‘girls like her really exist!!’

you gave kunimi and kindaichi a signal of help and they nodded before gently prying the senpais off of you

‘senpai, please’

you gave kunimi a grateful nod

coach irihata went up to you bc wow, kunimi has a friend with of another gender?

‘how can we help you, miss?’

‘im l/n y/n, first year, and id like to apply as the manager’

internally, the coach sighed bc you werent the first one to apply

the reason they havent had a manager for years was bc of oikawa’s fangirls hiding themselves under that false facade

but he saw you brush off that comment oikawa make with no hint of fluster or blush on your face so he decides to give you a trial run, in guise of seeing if you could handle these chaotic boys

‘do you have any experience as manager? or do we need to teach you the ropes?’

‘i was a manager for 3 years in my middle school volleyball’

he nodded

‘ill give you one month. a trial run of a month to test the waters’

you agreed and your trial run began

kunimi mentioned that morning practice starts at 6 am sharp so you set your alarm for 5 to get ready and get to school on time before the boys

you remembered how to set up the nets so you quickly put them out (using a step stool bc we short) and ran to get the basket of balls

their water bottles were filled and you were in the middle of lugging the big basket of towels when the third years entered

the 4 of them usually came earlier than the rest so they saw you dragging the basket of fresh towels and wipe your sweat before smiling at the work youve done

iwa was so happy bc it was usually him who did this stuff and now that he had someone do it for him, it was like a god-send

oikawa’s eyes shone and he waved at you

‘yohoo, y/n-chan!’

you cringed at the loud voice of the famous oikawa tooru

‘hello, oikawa-san’

he chuckled at your politeness before hugging you

‘you did all this for us? youre so cute, y/n-chan!’

instead of the normal blush and love-struck eyes, you were actually very uncomfortable of the sudden skinship and you quickly ran to the side when iwa hit him at the head

‘shittykawa! leave her alone!’

‘iwa-chan!’

makki and mattsun stood next to you as the boys did their usual fight

‘is this all an act or are you really not attracted to oikawa?’

mattsun shot him a surprised look bc why was he so straightforward

but you just shrugged

‘hes cute, i admit. but ive seen much cuter and the boys in my middle school team was basically full of him so,,, and i hate guys who think theyre all that just bc theyre blessed w a pretty face. if anything, ill probably go for iwaizumi-san’

pop off S I S T E R!!!

you just won the heart of these two

slowly but surely, they all came to accept you and iwa straight out loves you bc you maintained this routine for the whole month of your trial run

and you still remained indifferent of oikawa’s advances and he was even impressed and slightly agitated that you werent paying attention to him

‘y/n-chan, one date! just one!’

you huffed before looking up from your clipboard

‘i like men, oikawa-san. not boys’

that comment made the guys shriek

‘y/n-chan! youre just a first year! you dont need a man!’

‘youre not a man, oikawa!’

you left oikawa to be tormented by his teammates and went to go and hand over the report to the coach

he was impressed by the notes you made bc they were ones he even missed

like the split-second of hesitation that kindaichi usually has that goes unnoticed but you immediately saw

or the wince oikawa has whenever he so much as jumps an inch

you could even tell the difference between iwa’s spike and if he was being easy or he was going full-out

this added on to the fact that the boys loved you and irihata actually saw kunimi try more 

but he thinks its only to earn your praises

‘y/n, youre officially the team manager’

yall celebrated at the normal hang-out spot which was the ramen shop and it truly shocked you at how much these boys ate

granted, this was the first time you ate together but you didnt expect them to eat nearly 5 bowls each

you could only finish 2 and you already feel like throwing up

‘honestly, how do you guys not gain weight after this?’

the table you sat at, iwa, kindaichi, mattsun, and kunimi, looked at you and shrugged

‘i work out’

‘i run’

‘i fast’

‘i poop it out’

lmao im sorry i cackled too hard at this

you stared blankly at mattsun’s answer who said it so seriously that you snorted a laugh

they watched you and your laughter bc you havent really expressed yourself as much 

so they made it their goal to see you laugh more

‘y/n-chan! you need to eat more!’

oikawa shouted, clearly food drunk, but you shook your head aggressively

‘i only planned to eat one bowl but he just had to shove another down my throat’

‘but you need to grow, y/n-chan!’

‘i want to grow taller! not wider!!’

As a manager:

oh boy

you basically grew into kinda their mom

‘oikawa-san! you need to rest your knee or youre going to hurt yourself! i will drag you home myself!’

‘kunimi, if you try to get this one more spike, i’ll buy you a bag of those caramel bites you like’

‘iwa-san! if you hit oikawa-san too much, youll destroy the little braincells he has!’

‘yahaba-san, nice dump!’

‘is your knee okay, watari-san?’

yall really forget that watari and yahaba exist sometimes smh

it was part of the work

keeping up with seijoh

so to keep them encouraged, you gave them praises that they always demand for and they always turn to you whenever they did something good

mattsun gives you a look whenever he blocks iwa’s spikes and you give kindaichi a head pat whenever he blocks some too

bc of how you are with them, sometimes, they forget that you are actually just a first year

they get shocked whenever you walk in with kunimi and kindaichi and talk about the current homework bc it slips their mind that their hard-working manager was actually just a 15-year-old girl

so, they try to ease the burden whenever they can

like iwa offering to help you whenever you have to take their jerseys to the laundrymat

or offering to help you with your assignments since theyve only been through it once

more like watari, yahaba, and iwa bc the matsuhana are clueless and acts like they completely skipped that grade

also

!!!!

oikawa’s fangirls ltr dont leave you alone!!!

now, its known that youre the manager of the volleyball team bc oikawa has boasted about your efforts and such

this obvs ticked off a bunch of girls bc they were jealous that you got to spend more time in a single practice with their precious oikawa-senpai than they have their entire lives

more than once theyve cornered you to threaten you to stay away from their senpai or youll have something coming for you

you never take them seriously bc you can fight too and you just give them a look and push them away

but this one time

TRIGGER WARNING-START

okay tea

the self-proclaimed president of the oikawa tooru fanclub, kenta miyo, cornered you at the bathroom with her other minions

you were just washing your hands and drying them off when she marched up to you and grabbed your hair before tugging it back

obviously you were surprised and shouted

‘oi! what the hell?!’

‘you slut! you need to stay away from my tooru, got it?!’

ehm what

you hissed and wrenched her arm from your hair and pushed her away

your hair was now a mess and you were fuming, already sick and tired of the torture these girls put you through

‘he belongs to himself, not you! so stop being delusional and leave me alone already!’

she signalled for the girls to hold on to you which you slapped away but they forcefully grabbed your arm while you kicked at them and struggle to get out of their hold

jesus what do these girls eat

miyo watches you struggle with a smile and cackles

‘oh? no fight anymore, little kouhai?’

you glared at her

‘i dont want to beat yall up bc id get yelled at by tooru so you need to let me go or regret it’

at the mention of his first name, her eyes widened and her face twisted and she slapped you

‘oi! respect your senpai, you brat! dont you ever say oikawa’s first name!’

your lips curled

‘oh? thats funny, because he actually told me to call him that since he wants his cute little manager to be very comfortable with him’

you achieved a feat that she has been working to get her entire high school life and miyo was not happy

‘ive been with him for 3 years and you just suddenly show up out of nowhere and call him that?! i dont think so!’

she had her hands around your neck and you gripped her arms, making her wince

but you laughed at that comment

‘heh, thats pathetic, isn’t it? here you are, my senpai, who has been vying for his attention for 3 years only to be ignored yet a mere first year, who shows up out of nowhere, has been asked to a date nearly a million times every day. that must be tough’

she shrieked at that comment and threw you on the floor, making you accidentally hit your head at the edge of the sink

yall im actually so bothered by this scene and im wincing as im typing

you bit your lip to prevent any sound of pain to escape bc you knew thats what she wanted to hear from you

but you werent going to give her the satisfaction

instead, you looked up at her, hatred swirling in your eyes

‘youre freaking psycho, you know that? once tooru and hajime knows about this, theyre going to give you hell. they wont ever let this go bc im the manager of their prized team and their little baby sister. so go ahead, do what you want with me. bc i paid too much for these nails to be tainted by dirt like you’

saiyo, a girl you noticed to be watari’s classmate when you went and visited him, nervously tugged on miyo’s jacket

‘miyo, we should go-’

‘SHES BLUFFING. AND HERE, SINCE YOUR SOCCERFIELD FOREHEAD IS BLEEDING, LET ME HELP WASH IT OUT’

and she poured over a carton of banana milk over you, making you wince at the sticky and cold liquid

the tough facade was crumbling and you were now screaming for help in your head, hoping that stupid theory from yahaba about team telepathy to work

but it didnt

TRIGGER WARNING-END

when miyo and her girls left, you sat on the floor, soaked and sticky and bleeding

then you begin to cry angry tears

you were angry that you were being treated like this just bc you were a manager

you were angry that you let them do that to you

you were angry that you prized your nails more than punching her square in the nose

you were just angry

periodt

staggering on your own feet, you stood up and leaned on the sink, eyes widening at the dripping red liquid from the gash on your forehead, staining the porcelain sink

you were stupid and unconsciously touched it making you wince 

‘shit, that hurts’

you whined quietly

there was little you can do with toilet paper and water to clean yourself up but you managed to at least stop the bleeding

you knew you had to be put on concussion protocol just in case bc you that hit was quite hard but at the moment, that wasnt your concern

practice has already started and this was the first time you werent present for daily practice

this was confirmed at the constant buzzing of your phone in your skirt pocket which you didnt listen to and instead, started thinking of ways to go to your locker and get your stuff and fake being sick but at the same time, not be seen and relayed to the team

time was ticking and you had to come up with a plan fast before oikawa will send the team to come looking around the building for you

once you looked at your reflection and smiled big, you decided it was enough to not show the pain you were in right now

girl im hurting for you

you peeked out of the bathroom door and saw the coast was clear so you quickly ran to your classroom, which was thankfully empty, and quickly grabbed your things

but as you were packing up, the tears just kept falling

it didnt stop as you bolted down the stairs, using your cardigan to hide your face from the public

once you were safely out of school grounds, you finally took out your phone and reviewed through all the worried and concerned texts from the team group chat

but you just replied, ‘im fine but i just feel really sick right now. girl stuff’

you smirked, knowing that would keep the boys away

but oikawa had to go and ask you to call him

‘y/n-chan! do you want oikawa-senpai to come over with chocolates and ice cream?! wings or no wings?!’

your jaw dropped at the question and clearly scandalized by the question

the team was too as shouting began and you could faintly hear iwa scream, ‘oh my god, shittykawa!’

‘im seriously okay, oikawa-san. i just need to be alone right now and ill try and get some sleep. good bye’

then you hung up

there was no way you could tell them

they were in their last year anyways so doing something about it wouldnt matter

and you were strong 

but apparently not strong enough to fight them off though

you would cover the wound with concealer and continue on with practice tomorrow as if everything was normal

but there was only so much you could take

just yesterday, they trashed your locker and a week ago, they took your bento and threw it away

you even got into a fight with this one girl but she scampered away, too scared to do anything alone

so you were actually just tired and want everyone to leave you alone

believe me, youve thought of quitting sometimes

but youve actually created a bond with these boys

like when you take hanamaki to get cream puffs whenever he loses against iwa in arm wrestling

or when yahaba calls you at ungodly hours to express his worries for next year and to fill oikawa’s shoes

it was simple moments that you shared with each player that kept you from not leaving

soon, you found yourself crying again and the looks pedestrians were giving you was starting to make you uncomfortable

a girl, with her gross hair in a bun, puffy eyes with a bleeding wound and walking down the street

that was a sight

so you cut a corner to an alley by your house to escape from the judging eyes and you were too busy wiping your eyes to see a boy who was crouched down on the floor and ended up walking over him

omg my baby kyoken hello luv!!!!

you gasped and you were surprised and quickly apologized

kyotani was originally about to yell at you, no matter what, but he saw the state you were in and concluded you were either from a fight or was beaten up

he recognized that and decided to just glare at you and go back to feeding the stray dogs and cats

you breathed a sigh in relief when he didnt yell at you bc that wouldve been the last thing you needed today

‘sir, im sorry for hitting you. if there is something i could do for you, dont hesitate’

he ignored you and you focused on him paying attention to the strays

going into your backpack, you had a milk carton and a sausage stick from earlier

you used your thermos lid to serve as the milk bowl for the cats while you peeled open the meat and used your scissors to cut chunks of it for the dogs to have some

kyotani watched as you went into action to feeding the animals that people usually ignored

he knew you

well, he recognized you

when he watched from the top of the gym, he saw you as their manager who ran around and helped everyone

sure, he still didnt trust you 

but he watched you grin and smile as the animals started to eat

‘im in a hurry right now so i have to go but ill feed you again tomorrow, okay? you too, stranger-san. ill bring food for you too’

then you stood up and ran away, probably in a hurry to fix that wound

he wouldve offered to treat it for you but he remained silent, watching the cats mewl at the now empty lid

the next day, oikawa was worried for you and when he saw you at early morning practice, he practically glomped to your side

‘y/n-chan! you okay?! oikawa-senpai was so worried for you!’

you cringed but nodded

‘im okay, oikawa-san’

‘senpai, y/n-chan! call me senpai!’

‘im not going to feed into your kink, oikawa-san’

*cue everyone busting a lung*

to this day, no one still knew what happened to you

you kept it quiet and you were sure you got everything handled

except for one person

kyotani was smart and for some reason he knew you got beat up by the fangirls and the perpetrators were easily found bc he saw them huddled around your locker, probably trashing it again, and lets just say, 

no one is def going to mess w you now

back to manager moments!!

during practice matches, the boys rally around you to prevent other teams from sweet-talking you

they make sure no one gets past them and always have excuses to get your attention

you knew what they were doing but you pretended not to, heart warming at their protectiveness and hunger for your attention

even though you have your own jacket, the team gives you theirs all the time like oikawa has his special team jacket w his name at the back and when he feels threatened by schools like johzenji, he makes you wear it

‘youre mine, y/n-chan and i want that blondie to know’

‘ehm, no, oikawa-san. im iwaizumi-san’s’

oikawa screamed

lmao training camps w them is CHAOTIC

YOU WANT TO CRYYYYYY

OIKAWA IS CRYING BC IWAIZUMI IS BEATING HIM UP, MATSUHANA ARE FREAKING OUT THE FIRST YEARS ABOUT THE GHOSTS IN THE WOODS AND NOW KINDAICHI REFUSES TO LET GO OF YOU, WATARI GOT LOST GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND YAHABA IS SCREAMING ABOUT THE WEATHER MESSING UP HIS HAIR AND MAKING IT FRIZZY

reminder: threaten to quit everytime they get too much

your hugs are the best!!!!

you have a special hug for every player

oikawa gets his favorite which was the normal arm around the waist with your arms around his neck while he snuggles in your neck

iwa gets flustered easily so you hug him from behind so you cant see his flustered look

mattsun actually likes the jumping in the air so he catches you type of hug

makki is more tame and has his arms around your shoulder with his chin on your head

yahaba is the twirly kind where he just picks you up and swings you around

watari also gets flustered easily so he likes the one-arm hugs

kindaichi gets blushy at the slightest touch from you but he gives you a hug from behind you himself where he can bury his face in your hair while you caress his arms

kunimi, now he likes it when you squeeze him extremely tight bc it makes him feel loved and feel alive

kyo doesnt even talk to you what makes you think you can give him a hug

their lost for shiratorizawa really broke them though

you made them their own bentos for nearly a week to keep them encouraged and gave oikawa extra attention to keep him from sulking or practicing late

‘oikawa-senpai, lets go watch that new movie later’

‘S-S-SENPAI?!’

then the arrival of our baby kyoken

yahaba was moody the whole practice and you were currently trying to keep him from spiking a ball to someone

‘even just today, he’s late’

‘who?’

‘that stupid dog’

he just keeps mumbling and grunting

and then the said dog arrived

you peaked out from behind iwaizumi, who protectively went in front of you

shock ran through you and you pointed at him

‘puppy-kun!’

lmao puppy what

youve called him that since he refused to tell you his name, but you call him that bc he paid special attention to this one baby beagle

he raised a hand in greeting and you gave him a smile

‘youre a player here, too?!’

he ‘glared’ at you but nodded stiffly

the team really thought that he would lash out at you but he is surprisingly tolerant

the power of the manager

he still hasnt talked to you but he does respond to you and even helps you with chores, still not talking ofc

hes so tsun tsun and he deserves my heart yall

however, youve heard him talk to iwaizumi, and iwaizumi only, so youve heard his voice before

ngl, you were flustered by how gruff and deep it was

then their loss to karasuno

bruh, it was KARASUNO

the entire team fell apart and after the match, each of them ran away from you to stop lashing out

you were also on the verge of crying, seeing the broken look on your third years

your precious third years

you decided to give them their own space but you heard a loud banging sound from the bathroom

yahaba and watari were outside, clearly trying to talk to someone in there on coming out but it got louder

okay you were lowkey like, ‘hm, i should not be here’

but you recognized that voice

you knocked at the boys door to be respectful

‘kyo-san? its me, y/n’

he was silent but he did unlock it

you took this as a sign to enter and you gave yahaba and watari a smile

‘i’ll be fine. go to kindaichi and kunimi. they need your comfort right now’

tbh, you were surprised the bathroom was still intact but you saw the stall door at the very end being rattled and shaken

you remained by the door but you wanted to go to him

‘kyo-san, please come out so i can treat your injuries’

he expected you to say those words like ‘its okay’ or ‘theres always next year’ but you didnt

instead, you knew he was hurt and wanted to help him

he continued to give a few punches to the wall and the door before emerging

you wordlessly treated the wounds and offered your hand

‘im here, kyo-san. dont worry, im right here’

at the ramen shop, you told them to eat as much as they want and wordlessly gave them your card, slightly crying inside bc you know this was going to be like over a hundred dollars

but you were treating the boys bc they deserved it

you sat beside kindaichi, who was just sobbing and apologizing, so you were wiping his tears and holding his hand under the table

this precious babie

bruh i was sobbing when i watched this part like uuggghhhh

after dinner, you walked with the other third years, knowing they would go to the gym, so you gave everyone else your special hugs before sending them home

‘text me when you arrive safely, okay?’

‘yes, mom’

‘KINDAICHI WHAT’

oikawa’s speech made you cry bc despite only knowing them for not even a year, you already feel like a family

you didnt want your family to be broken but you knew they would all go their separate ways eventually

there was a big hug pile of third years on the side where you took a picture and sent it to the group chat

you had to eventually go home after helping them clean up and when you checked your phone, a fresh batch of tears rolled down

each from every person on the team but with the same sentence and same words

‘we love you, l/n y/n. thanks for everything.’

ngl i dont think this was that good and its like 8 in the morning and im extremely tired

i want to do karasuno, nekoma, and fukurodani but im so exhausted i cannot right now

[headbangergf]

heavy trigger warning ; run while u can lmao

im so fucking done i just want to kill myself. i hate school. i cant stand having to wake up so early every day and talk to people i dont like and have to do and worry about so many things. im so tired of putting my fullest effort into my classes and still getting average grades compared to what i used to get. i know that doesnt seem bad , but im literally never going to get into my dream college at this rate and its fucking disheartening. going to that college is the only thing keeping me going , keeping me from just ending it all. and the fact that someone is probably going to beat me and im not going to be in first place when i graduate makes me want to die. thats so fucking embarrassing for me. i used to be number one in and at everything and now im just merging in with everyone else. i want to be at the top. i want to be the best. i want to get the best grades and beat everyone. not for the satisfaction, just so i can finally calm the fuck down and not have to worry about it anymore. i hate seeing people above me. its so upsetting. how did i downgrade this bad? what in the actual fuck happened to me.

and on top of this the only person i truly love doesnt even talk to me anymore. doesnt even look my way in the halls. im so heartbroken over him and i cant even talk about it to ANYONE because no one fucking cares. no one cares. and no one has to , but it just hurts that everyone makes fun of me for liking him or just discards what im saying without even listening. especially when you guys make fun of him. i have to go along with that shit but it really breaks my heart cuz you all KNOW he NEVER did me wrong. and he never did yall wrong either. i dont care that none of you like him because he actually loved me. he did. i know he did. hes the first person ive ever been with that didnt make me violently cry myself to sleep. he didnt make me relapse constantly. he made me so happy , and even if he doesnt see me as a boy , at least he respected me. i dont even care about that at this point. i really dont. because he loved me and he made me feel handsome. i could show him the most masculine photo of me and he’d still compliment me in a neutral or masculine way even if i was presenting feminine. he never feminized me like the rest of you do. i didnt have to hide myself around him. i always felt comfortable with him. so fuck you guys for talking shit about him every chance you get cuz he never wronged me or any of you. i hate having to be fake cuz i dont want to be made fun of for sticking up for him. but you know why we split. he couldnt prioritize me. thats fine. even though that shit literally broke me and im STILL fucked up about it , it doesnt mean he was in the wrong. he was putting himself first and honestly i respect him for it. but i wish he would just tell me if he doesnt want me talking to him anymore. all i want is a conversation with him. i really miss him so much. i miss how i felt when i was with him. but i dont think he cares about me anymore man. i fucking ruined it because i let myself say too much. i talk too much about how i feel if you let me and im so sorry to everyone who has to deal with it. i dont know why i do that. it just feels like nobody wants to hear about how im doing anymore so idk what to do man. i cant talk to anybody without feeling guilty. bad combination of him being a good listener and me being a big talker. honestly hes probably so sick of me. that thought makes tears form so fast in my eyes but i just have to accept it i guess. i wish i was normal. if i was just a normal girl and not a demented fucking tranny he would probably like me. im probably not even ftm im just insanely stupid. maybe i just got sick of being a girl idk. either way , thats not an invite to refer to me as a girl so fucking dont if anyone is reading this. probably no one. lol. anyways. im abt to rb this and continue cuz i was typing and then i reached the limit so part two incoming i guess lmao.

[alliumautism]

and itsj ust WEll ive been here for so long that nothing is quite the same really not even me. likethe people we talked to back then are people we dont talk to/hate now. i made friends and i unmade them and i think they hate me but thats ok because sometimes i hate them too n im not gonna let some hate get in the way of my life. a lot of my headmates that were here back then arent anymore and really when you think about it thats sad bc no one knew them but us and we forget. but its ok. because somedays we remember. and people came into those places and i got new headmates to make friends with and i changed. we split off more tommys. i was gone. i wasn't gone. and wilbur mourned me when they thought i was dormant and well now im thinking about him bc hes gone. and i dont know if its mourning because im not sad. im not really sad about anything anymore. and well no yeah sometimes i am but thats ok bc its a bigmanly thing to be sad bc it means you feel shit and real men feel shit with their whole hearts i think. and william is here now and i have a new brother. and theyre not the same and i dont want them to be but also they kind of are the same. because we're bad at identity. and i'm the same as theo and not and maybe i really am him but it doesn't matter. because who needs identity when you can just... exist? what's the point of all of that if you can't enjoy it while it happens?? people will come and go in your life and that's okay and the same is with headmates and maybe its good that ive changed and maybe i will wind up accidentally sharing this blog with another tommy. thats ok. i like sharing. and if i cant tell the difference WEll i guess its ok that others won't either. and i'm just... i'm glad to be at this point in my life. i'm glad to just be content to live. i'm glad i'm not scared or angry anymore for the most part or sourcesick and well sometiems i will have days but for rn im just gonan enjoy it. if theres anything wil dying taught me its that sometimes people go and it hurts like shit and you wont be able to cope with it but sometimes they'll come back. and you'll wind up looking an awful lot like them everytime you look in the mirror but that's ok because they were beautiful to you once and maybe still are and now you can be beautiful too. <- metaphor for ex friend as well

sorry to be ramble its nonsensical i'm just remniescing over all i've seen. i've been here a long time. i'll probably be here in the end too. maybe i wont! i dont care enough to fidn out. i just love my friends :)) and i dont care about presenting or proving to be anything anymore. im just tommy or theo or whoever the fuck and WHO CARES!!! WE;RE AL CHANGING ITS ALL CHANGING BUT DEEP DOWN WE'RE THE SAME .

sometimes i think about the fact that ive been here for as long as we’ve been self aware as a system pretty much n that well i was the first ever introject we found out about and i just go. woag. time flues…