#i dont dress with any consideration for gender

[colorisbyshe]

a drag queen everyone ended up hating (for reasons MOSTLY unrelated from the drag but PARTIALLY related to the drag because there was a massive wig involved... which was rude cause we were at barricade) turned to me, UNPROMPTED, and said 'us queers need to stick together' like... not even getting into calling me a queer... what vibes was i giving off where he knew

like i couldn't even hve the euphoria of Being Seen Like That because I generally don't give off those vibes (because I don't try to, I abstain from gender performance as much as I feasibly can) because i was just like... how? but also calling me a queer two minutes into meeting is fucking craaazy

[lycankeyy]

Okay here's the whole thing I filled out with boyf in-character enjoy his one total braincell if he's lucky. I'm putting zero effort into formatting this bc tumblr is glitchy on my phone blank template is here

(cw: sexual humor. also a bunch of intentional typos and gratuitous swearing)

-

1. Okay, first question: what’s your name, age, and gender?

- they call me boyfriend im 19 and i sap the gender out of the music

2. How would you describe yourself, personality-wise?

- fuckkk man idk. im p chill i think ig im pretty cool. pretty swag pretty gamer

3. What’s a typical day like for you?

- welll I wake up at like. 11 usually at earliest and I hang out w one of my partners sometimes I watch movies w em or work on music. not a lot going on usually

4. How do you wind down at the end of the day? Do you even wind down?

- most of the time i literally just wait until i crash out sometimes gf and peeks gotta drag me to bed lol

5. What is your earliest memory?

- UHHHHH oh god uhhh. I think. When I was like five we went to a festival or smth and we went on one of those twirly things and I made my dad spin the thing so hard I threw up LMAO

6. What is/was your relationship with your parents?

- i mean p good i think but we dont rly tlak anymore thats mostly my fault tho

7. What do you do when you’re bored?

- succumb to the madness mostly

8. Do you regret anything you’ve done?

- i mean not like currently

9. Do you dress to be functional or fashionable?

- bro i wear the same exact fucking outfit every day to be honest with you lol. It's not like I'm fuckin going anywhere

10. Who are your best friends? How did you meet them?

- DUUUDE assuming my partners don't count gotta shout out my man darnell we've been workin on a collab ep recently it goes hard as fuckkkkk. we met back in the stupid therapy program back in middle school he introduced me to pico n nene

11. Have any siblings? If so, what is your relationship?

- yea got a big sister and a lil bro. they're both sweet but kinda clueless tbh. technically got other stuff goin on too but im kinda worried that ill get like the government on my ass if i talk abt it

12. What is your job? Is it tiring or difficult?

- closest thinf ive got to a job is music ig and nah. really wouldn't rather be doing anything else even if it payed more tbh. when I get burnt out I wanna die but thafs not a big deal lmao

13. When you’re going through a rough time, do you seek help or consolation from others?

- on a scale of liek paper cut to nearly died how rough are we talking

14. How easy is it for others to gain your trust?

- ive been told im pretty trusting but i feel like any person whos meant to hurt me was pretty upfront abt it so ┐(´∀｀)┌

15. What is your sexuality, if you don’t mind me asking?

- all the time all the time

16. Do you have a significant other? What are they like?

- "a" singular. lol. lmao even. bros asking if I got one singular partner lmao try two bitch and thyere the best most important people in the world

17. Have you ever lost a loved one?

- not like perminently

18. How often do you act on impulse? Does it ever backfire?

- lsiten if i do it all the time then like statisicly it only backfires like 40% of the time okay

19. Do you believe in ghosts?

- I believe in everyone bro

20. How about aliens?

- aliens are hisyorically very mean to me but ig i can just then believe that they can be better people. or aliens

21. What traits do you value the most in others?

- uhhh probably like being just nice ig? idk i think it can take a lot more effort than people think to be considerate and stuff I appreciate when people are nice even if they have a reason not to be

22. Do you dream often? What are your dreams like?

- i used to not to but somethings happened and now I get them all the time. don't really want to talk about it they're mostly just weird

23. Are you a light or heavy sleeper? Do you sleep in?

- my partners say im such a heavy sleeper that one time i slept through gf falling off the bed in the middle of the night but I was asleep so I can't cofnirm

24. Okay, this is a bit personal, but… Have you ever (uh) “done the do”?

- dude like u wouldn't believe

25. Do you have any pets?

- nah but I think it would be cool to have a guinea pig they seem chill and I appreciate their vibes

26. Ever been drunk before? How often do you drink?

- i try not to toooooooo much but i think i have a hard time telling when too much is too much. dont tell my parents

27. Are you respectful to authority figures?

- they only have as much authority as you give them. manipulate a landlord today

28. What kinds of movies do you like you watch?

- https://youtu.be/HgjyQ0_coJo?si=L5Bzhey5cxaoNpWU

29. Do you have any guilty pleasures?

- ██████ █████ █ ███████ ████ ███ ████ ███████ ███ ████ ████████████ ██ ███ ███ ████ ██ one time nene found it in my dresser and I almost DIED wait was this question not about sex stuff

30. What would you say is the happiest memory of your life?

- ohh thats hard uhh. happiest is hard to qualify i think. I think I'm happiest whenever I think abt waking up next to my partners

31. How about your worst memory?

- thats a good question

32. What did you aspire to be when you were young? Did that dream change as you grew up?

- i didn't think I'd be fuckign anythang

33. How far would you be willing to go to get what you want?

- u gotta quantify what I want here tbh. is it like a chocolate bar or one billion dollars. cuz id kill someone for a billion dollars. honestly i might also kill someone for a chocolate bar but like not as badly

34. What is sure to ruin your day?

- idk nearly dying again probably

35. Do you have any nervous habits?

- uhhh sometimes i mess with my hair and when i get rly upset i pull at it til it hurts. i used to scratch my face a lot when i was upset too but it freaks ppl out so i try not to if i can help it

36. Play video games often?

- i tryyyyy but i get distracted so fast i play a game and im like oh shit this reminds me of another thing i was gonna play n then i go play that and then I never FINISH ANYTHIGN

37. What kind of things do you laugh at?

- https://youtu.be/47EOSLWu-EI?si=kuzPv2Vndl91Oj3C

38. Favorite genre of music?

- BROOOO ok gonna be basic as shit and say breakcore. also a huge fan of speedcore and drill & bass but breakcore is my home. i wishhh it wasn't called this but my favorite like subgenre of breakcore is probs lolicore not for any fuckin weird reason but just bc the way the vocals are usually mixed scratches my brain sooooooo fuking good. listen to various types of ads by loli in early 20s and youll get it. i fucking love experimental breakcore my favorite album rossz csillag alatt született mixes breakcore+dr&b w classical and it's sooooo fucking good it's SO good i need to learn more fuckin instrument plug ins so I can make shit like that. in general i just love music that feels like it's fuckin drilling it's way into youre brain and rewiring it i want the music to fuckin labotomize me fr

39. What do you think your spirit animal would be if you had one?

- idk maybe a rat i like rats. dude imagine if i was a rat like ritz we could have cheese together. we can do that anyway but it would be more awesome

40. Have an accent of any kind?

- yea autism

41. Chess or checkers?

- checkers i have no idea how to play chess but it sounds convoluted as fuk

42. Do you feel sentimentality toward a particular object?

- i love my laptop even if I get a new computer and this thing breaks completely im keeping this laptop ily laptop

43. Are you generally pretty secretive, or are you an open book?

- im like accidentally secretive i dont even try like wtf do you mean im supposed to talk about shit

44. What are you most embarrassed about?

- i feel like this was addressed in the nene thing

45. What are your deepest fears?

- have you ever seen that fuckin brony stuff where people get teleported to pony world as horses gf is obsessed with that kinda thing but that's TERRIFYING if i woke up as a horse id fuckin die of a heart attack

46. How desperate would you have to be to lie to, steal from, injure, or murder another person? Do you do any of those things regularly?

- i like the implication that i would admit to murdering ppl on a regular basis

47. Do you have any scars? How did you get them?

- it's so fucked up i got this scar on my face and it's so bad bc I don't even scar that easy like i get into fights my entire life but i only got one scar just bc some weeb tried to kill me. like ok

48. Say someone has mistreated you in some form. Would you immediately lose your temper, hold a grudge, or simply let it go?

- you wouldnt believe my epic power to do all of those simaltaneusly

49. How do you deal with physical and mental pain?

- max volume noise nothing can hurt me if the Loud

50. What is your ideal place to live?

- never thought abt it tbh ig anywhere with my partners

51. What was your childhood like?

- just 18 years of stupid therapy programs and stupid special ed classes and ppl telling me how to think and how to act and like I was 4 years old forever i don't careeee

52. What is your favorite kind of weather?

- i think snow is pretty

53. How important to you is friendship? What about romance?

- i think they're both pretty great but idk i feel like urself should be most important bc idk shit happens and ppl leave so if you dont like yourself youre just gonna be stuck with some miserable loser who doesnt have any friends as ur only company

54. Have any disabilities, weaknesses, or allergies?

- i feel like in a hypothetical situation i would be pretty weak to godzilla

55. What’s your favorite thing to eat?

- SPICY FOOOOOOOD my spice tolerance fucks hard i will drink hot sauce. right now holdbon

56. Do you have kids? If not, do you picture yourself ever having them?

- could you fucking imagine.

57. How well can you sing?

- idk but i like it

58. Are you particularly confident? Does your confidence level change if less people are around?

- if nobody got me i know i got me

59. Do you like shopping?

- delivery apps were invented for a reason

60. How do you interact with strangers?

- tbh i usually just tune out anyone that's not talking to me LMAO

61. Have you ever been betrayed by someone you loved?

- not like perminently

62. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?

- don't like this question

63. If you could meet anyone from the past or future, who would it be?

- fuckkkkk my gf isn't home rn can I pick her

64. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?

- money bigass house and then I wouldn't use the last one so we could just vibe forver

65. Do you like attention?

- ask pico

66. Are you glad I’ve run out of questions to ask?

- ig bc im puttin off chores ily though

[odysseys-blood]

theres a lot of back and forth about paimon especially so i just wanna put in my two cents about it bc speculation on paimon and gender can be tricky and theres a lot to take into consideration. this isnt an end all be all post and not the best written but im just speaking from my place as someone who is trans (though i myself am tme) and works with gender themes in my own characters so this is gonna be kinda long

So! Paimon

a lot of the issue from the back and forth stems from how paimon is written by default. When you meet paimon, he's designated as just a pretty boy that likes to crossdress and they emphasize heavily that paimon is a man every time they talk about his femininity and how he presents himself.

Now crossdressing itself is not at all transphobic, hell drag is a big thing and its not uncommon for queens do figure out that they're transfem when they get into it. In fact a lot of queer people do push to erase gender boundaries within clothes because in the end....clothing is just cloth wear what you want be who you want to be, whether it be a woman wearing masc clothing, a man wearing femme clothes, or anyone just wearing something neutral feeling.

Where it becomes a problem is the push to enforce paimon's masculinity at every turn. While its good that paimon isn't a character that's put in to be played for laughs (as feminine men and trans women often are in media), it comes off odd in a way for paimon to have a feminine voice, dress femininely, love feminine things...and then at every point have it enforced heavily that paimon is a man. THAT is where a lot of the issue stems from at when you see it happening as someone who has seen transmisogyny (if this is your first time seeing the word, its transphobia that arises specifically for a trans woman being a woman. ergo the word being a mix of transphobia and misogyny) in practice it looks worrying. When you're someone who knows how to spot this kind of thing it can feel like paimon's gender nonconformity is being demonized (while they also highlight it. its an odd mix).

This isn't to say that it is a concious thing that's being pushed either i'm not saying the writers are personally transmisogynists at all, HOWEVER since transphobia and transmisogyny is rampant in society to the point where it subconsciously controls biases, thats how it can come off transmisogynistic. Think of it as similar to racism: even if you think you yourself are not racist theres still likely biases you have picked up or have been taught just because theyre so pervasive in society. This doesnt mean its your fault it just means its something that you have to unlearn conciously and put in the work to do so.

This is also not just a problem with whb because again like i said, its systemic. Think about other characters in media who are written this way, such as Bridget from Guilty Gear, or Vivian from Paper Mario. While these two are different in that their status as trans women have been solidified, the treatment they've gotten is largely the same. Especially bridget considering how she for the longest was the poster child for the "femboy" archetype and how femininity is enforced yet also discouraged in these characters until she was finally labeled transgender in gg strive.

All this to say...its messy and theres a lot of points to consider so there really isnt a reason to go at each others throats. Using paimon's canon pronouns and gender isn't exactly a problem and neither is choosing to instead see paimon as a transgender woman and using she/her pronouns. But at the very least it doesn't hurt to educate yourself also and understand why paimon's writing can come off transmisogynistic and transphobic. WHB is not a game thats heralding itself on being progressive (even if there are aspects to it that might seem so) so there's not much to expect from it in that regard but still we can be mindful and discussion isnt bad.

(also a footnote i dont think ive seen any transfem or tma players of whb in the tag....ever but if anyone is and wants to add on or thinks ive overstepped let me know)

[cowboyjen68]

Hi jen! 20 something masc bisexual who just cant figure out if theyre a man or a woman here. I dont really feel comfortable talking about this stuff but writing anonymously is a lot less daunting and you seem like a really chill person and such a good mom. When i was youger, around 16, i cut my hair short and dressed less conventional (stopped wearing what my mom put out for me lol), bc i wanted to express myself. I didnt get the "mens" haircut i wanted originally, but i made up for it with flannels and hoodies. Slowly, occasionally, people started to ask me my sex/gender and when someone read me as male i was over the moon. By the time i was 18 i had stopped wearing makeup and tried hard to pass as male. It became pretty exhausting and my bestfriend is a very feminine guy, who usually gets read as a woman, inspired me to care less what people think i am. Im trying to take things as they come but with my mullet (thick long hair in the back) i noticed people read me as female more often than not. Its not insulting, but i cant help but feel disappointed. It felt so right when people read me as male. Im considering transitioning but i hate the idea of coming out to my family (as trans) and im scared of "being wrong about all this and screwing my body up", even thougt I like the prospect of the physical changes testosterone brings. All in all, I feel like ive been stuck in this undecided period for so long and something needs to change.

Im grateful for any words of advice :)

I am so sorry for the delay, my seasonal side jobs keep me very busy. I owe you some sincerity here because you asked and trust me to give you the truth, at least as I see it.

Of course I cannot in anyway see inside you or know the mix of emotions you have or the complex amount of experiences you have had in your 20 something life. When someone is struggling with hard questions being “PC” does no one any favors so here is my best take, but ultimately you know what is best and perhaps a therapist that will not just be a "yes" person would be very helpful.

Firstly, if you decide to transition for whatever reason, comfort, ease of experiencing the world etc, there is no rule that says you have to do anything at all to alter your body. You can be who you are within yourself. I am a lesbian and a woman whether or not some stranger on the street thinks so. (and the amount of time I am called "sir" in one day changes absolutely zero about me). Same applies to you. If you are concerned about medical or hormonal intervention you are not wrong to have caution. Anytime we take any medication from a blood pressure pill to nasal spray, doing due diligence and understanding the affects on our body is important. And each of us must take into consideration body health, genetics, dr suggestions, past medical history and the reality of what time, money and effort we are capable of exerting, especially if it means for a life time 

That all being said short hair, clothes, your interests and personality are not (should not) be gendered. There is no reason a woman can’t be and exist as a female who is not always thrilled with her body (looks and function) and be a human who loves doing a myriad of things that may or may not fit what society prescribes as our gender roles.  

You say you are disappointed when read as female? Why?  Do you dislike that they are not seeing the real you OR because you know being read as such means, in our culture, you are seen as less capable, treated differently, perceived as weak, not as smart as men and treated as the lesser of our society simply based on your body?  Either way, this is a them problem and not a you problem. You are as flawed, strong, smart, confident as you are no matter how they see you. It is not up to them to decide how human you get to be based on what sex you are. No one fits all the general attributes imposed gender roles wish for us to follow. 

Ask yourself, if I transition and am still consistently read as female, how will that affect me?  Will I become angry because I am putting time, effort and money into presentation and people still see what they see?  Am I going to feel better able to shrug off mistakes make by quick glances or because people have known me for years because I am more true to me?  Transition should happen in a vacuum, in my opinion. (disclaimer: I am not trans so perhaps this is not how trans men feel) You are who you are whether in a crowd of people or alone in a forest. Others should never make that decision or set the bar for you. EVER. They have no investment in your internal self. 

Since you are asking me, this is my experience. In my early years i understood very quickly how I was treated differently when people (men and women) saw me as a little boy instead of a little girl. In my teens I saw the way girls who hit puberty before me were immediately treated sexually, will less respect and I was like” well shit”.  I would have happily been seen as a boy/man and probably went to length to insure that. At 12 I was pretty confident I wanted to be or should have been a boy. My mom very colorfully explained to me there are issues with both sides and am a girl who wants what boys get in the world.. sooo get them as a girl.  THEN I met other lesbians and butches and bi women who are masculine and they told me their stories.. which were just like mine. I realized to be a man I had to give up being a woman and being a woman, my reality, physically and in my upbringing (in the 1980′s and 1990″) was the best and only way to connect to other people because I was not different with them or alone. I needed to be me 24/7 not just in public, not just at parties, not just with friends, but when I was alone, at night or mowing the yard. Perception and societal opinion had nothing to do with my body, my mind, my personality. 

Am I still affected by gender roles? Of course. Our society genders everything from pocket knives (camo or pink camo) to cars, abilities to shampoo! Do i sometimes let it slide when a man thinks he is talking to another man, sure.. why not? I learn somethings (some things I don’t want to know on occasion). But at the end of the day, most of the people I deal with begin to see me as a kind, capable women or...(translation: human) and when it counts I don’t want to be vague or dodgy about my sex, my gender or my sexual orientation. Who I am, who I deserved to be, my right to exist as me is too important. None of these were over night revelations. Time, experience, community as all helped me understand:

You have to live with you forever and always, don’t try to exist as the easiest way for society to view you. 

[non-binharry]

hello i dont want to come off as rude but can you give me a quick rundown of why harry is possibly trans? also is being genderfluid/nonbinary sit under the trans umbrella as well? i hope this isnt too uncomfortable to answer! thank you!

hi! you don’t come off as rude at all! and i’ll try my best to give you as much info as i can off the top of my head!

so, being trans means to identify as a gender other than the one assigned to you at birth. the white stripe in the trans flag actually includes all non-binary genders. there are both binary and non-binary trans people, so while both groups fall under the trans umbrella, non-binary identities (genderfluid, genderqueer, agender, etc.) sit under a small umbrella within the bigger one.

i obviously can’t say this without being clear that i don’t know every single person on tumblr dot com, but i haven’t come across a single person who believes harry is a binary trans woman (an amab who identifies exclusively as a woman). when we say harry is trans, we mean we think that harry has a non-binary gender, which is still considered trans, so we think he’s a non-binary trans person.

he’s spoken about gender, and about femininity/masculinity and his own personal relationship to this with more consideration than you can ever expect from a cis man.

“What’s fem­i­nine and what’s mas­cu­line…it’s like there are no lines any more.” - The Face

“I think ‘Lights Up’ came at the end of a long period of self-reflection, self-acceptance. Through the two years of making the record, I went through a lot of personal changes — I just had the conversations with myself that you don’t always have. And I just feel more comfortable being myself.” - Rolling Stone

“A part of it was having, like, a big moment of self-reflection. And self-acceptance. I think it’s a very free, and freeing, time. I think people are asking, ‘Why not?’ a lot more. Which excites me. It’s not just clothes where lines have been blurred, it’s going across so many things.” - The Guardian

“I think there’s so much masculinity in being vulnerable and allowing yourself to be feminine, and I’m very comfortable with that. Growing up you don’t even know what those things mean. You have this idea of what being masculine is and as you grow up and experience more of the world, you become more comfortable with who you are.” - i-D Magazine

“What women wear. What men wear. For me it’s not a question of that. If I see a nice shirt and get told, ‘But it’s for ladies.’ I think: ‘Okaaaay? Doesn’t make me want to wear it less though.’ I think the moment you feel more comfortable with yourself, it all becomes a lot easier.” - The Guardian

“I don’t think people are still looking for this gender differentiation. Even if the masculine and feminine exist, their limits are the subject of a game. We no longer need to be this or that. I think now, people are just trying to be good.” - L’Officiel

thematically speaking, fine line just screams gender. we know that harry puts a lot of thought into his image, into how he will be perceived. we also know that he loves a good callback, he loves weaving together an intricate narrative (eroda exists), and that he has never met a coincidence in his life. 

the cover of his album has the colors of the trans flag (he’s the white in the flag) while the photos inside have the colors of the non-binary flag (x), which came from a deliberate collaboration between harry and tim walker, a gay photographer who explores queer themes in his work. from the guardian interview:

“In terms of how I wanna dress, and what the album sleeve’s gonna be, I tend to make decisions in terms of collaborators I want to work with. I want things to look a certain way. Not because it makes me look gay, or it makes me look straight, or it makes me look bisexual, but because I think it looks cool. And more than that, I dunno, I just think sexuality’s something that’s fun. Honestly? I can’t say I’ve given it any more thought than that.”

(i’d like to emphasize that at this point, harry was becoming more guarded with his answers as the interviewer got more invasive about his sexuality, and flat out questioned if the album cover was a nod to the trans flag or if harry was just a straight dude sprinkling lgbtq crumbs)

he also sported pink+blue nails both during promo of the album and before, when he wasn’t working.

there are plenty of lyric analyses of she and fine line (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 +) though my favorite part about these songs is that in she, he alternates between his normal register and falsetto which happens when he switches between describing the man and woman, and he sings the entirety of fine line in falsetto (though it really hits different from the la one night only show)

he’s grown more comfortable with wearing things that lend well to his feminine expression, both for performances/appearances, and his personal life, like his vibrantly colored nails which he’s said he feels naked without now, or his pearl necklace (which he wore under a hoodie during christmas with his family), or his precious pink and lavender shoe strings.

there’s genuinely so many more examples like people close to him using female pronouns and neutral/fluid language to talk about harry, including the lovely harris reed who is genderfluid, or the fact that he can’t seem to shut up about childbirth, plus things i’ll refrain from mentioning because they discuss his body image meaning it’s more speculative than things that have been shown to the public so not necessarily evidence

oh! also he has a mermaid tattoo (which has a connection to the trans community in the UK) and when asked why he got it, he simply said “it’s because i’m a mermaid”

also also honorable mention to the fact that harry idolizes female artists and the fact that stevie nicks has taken him under her wing, which she has only done for budding female artists, and introduced him to the coven, which frankly, when has any man ever

so that’s some of the reasons why we think harry is trans. i’d also like to mention that the majority of us who are comfortable enough to have this conversation are trans ourselves, and we feel a personal connection to him and the signaling he’s done over the years, we see a bit (or a lot) of ourselves in his journey to self-discovery, or he’s made us realize our own identities just by being himself.

“boy or girl, whatever it decides” 💗

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Autism Martyr Parent, hell mention, self-harm mention)

So I was searching for if people’d go to hell for being autistic because I was going to a church fall festival (I asked the pastor if I’d go to hell for being autistic and he said no, so there’s that) and I came across this:

https://faithmummy.wordpress.com/2017/10/15/i-dont-want-to-be-an-autism-parent-anymore/

*big-ass inhale of frustration.*

Okay.....let’s take this in bits.

“*Preface: have you ever felt overwhelmed with life? I have. Of course I love my son with all my heart, I should never need to even justify that, but living with a child with severe autism is hard. I do not need threats made to my life or my child’s because I find some days hard. Comments like that will not be approved.

And for the record I don’t always feel like this but I am human and some days this is exactly how it is. *”

Okay, that’s understandable. You’re allowed to voice that it’s difficult. You’re allowed to feel overwhelmed. That’s valid. If the post continued like this, I’d be fine with it, but she calls herself an Autism Parent, so.....brace yourselves.

“The day started far too early. There was no sweet cuddles in bed or a little voice asking for a drink; no I was woken as usual by screaming. I have had day after day, month after month, year after year of being woken by screaming and I don’t want that anymore.“

That’s also valid, but at the same time, he’s trying to communicate with you. He’s trying to communicate his needs. He might not have any other method of communication, whether it’s the only way he knows how to communicate or that he lacks the proper tools to communicate. 

“I don’t want to wake up to a smell that would make you want to vomit and bedding that is fit for the bin more than the washing machine, because yet again it is covered in something that ought not to be seen by anyone else. I am so tired of that now.“

That just is how it is sometimes. You gotta deal with that. 

“I don’t want to sit on my couch in the middle of the night looking at my child and wondering what I did to have a child who sees no point in sleeping, who at 8 still can’t say ‘mama’ and who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only.”

This is where I get pissed. You’re basically saying that your son is a punishment for you. You’re calling him a burden. But it’s the last bit that boils my blood. 

“who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only.”

This is where I say “Fuck. You.” You’re making him sound selfish. Us autistic people generally have trouble communicating our needs because neurotypicals don’t seem to fucking listen. You’re making it sound like he’s arrogant and a narcissist. If you’re looking for that, look in a fucking mirror.

“I love him more than words could ever convey but I don’t want to be an autism mum anymore.”

You love him and yet you just said you wonder what you did to have a child like him? That shit doesn’t add up. 

“I want to be a mum who has fun with her child rather than doing therapy with them.

“I want to walk my son to school and talk to his friends instead of sending him in a taxi to a place where I am a stranger to them.

“I want to be able to talk to my child about the fact it is his birthday soon and discuss what he would like to do to mark that day.

“I want to be someone who takes my child to bowling, teaches them to ride a bike or even goes to the movies with them. Instead the only place I ever take him to is hospitals or respite.”

This one’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, yeah, your child having to miss out on those things sucks. On the other hand, the subtext is indicating that this is about YOU, not your child. 

“I am tired of missing out on everything. I am tired of never having party invites, knowing nothing about his day at school, having to still dress him, having to take adult nappies and wipes with me wherever I go.“

No, you’re tired of not being able to live vicariously through him, as shown by you saying YOU are tired of missing out on everything. 

“I don’t want to be an autism parent anymore.

“I am tired of holding my child as he screams in public again.

“I am tired of the never ending judgement, the stares and the horrid comments.

“I am am tired of carrying around my broken heart as a result of the interventions and therapies having achieved nothing.

“I simply can not bear the thought of my child as an adult knowing what society is like.

“I am tired of meetings.

“I am tired of phone calls from his school.

“I am tired of fighting for everything but then being accused as having an attitude or people thinking I act like I am entitled.”

Have you ever considered WHY he’s screaming in public? Have you ever considered that he’s trying to communicate or that he’s overwhelmed?

“I don’t want my child to have autism anymore. This is not a ‘different way of seeing the world’ that he has, or ‘a wonderful gift’. This is a child about to be 9 years old who can not say ‘mum’ or use a bathroom himself. This is a child almost my height who still can’t put his own clothes on, brush his own teeth or dry himself after a bath. This is a child who can never ever be left alone, who has to have everything the same all the time, who self harms and wanders. This is a child still with the mind of a toddler who will require others to look after him his entire life.“

EXCUSE ME? THE MIND OF A TODDLER? I don’t think he does. You said he needs to have everything the same all the time. He doesn’t have control over most of his life, so having that sense of stability and routine is likely comforting to him. I feel like in the back of his mind, he knows that. Also you can’t wish away his autism. 

“Who would want that for their child?

“Who would want that as a parent?

“Today I don’t want to be an autism parent any more.

“The problem is I have no choice.”

MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT! MARTYR COMPLEX ALERT!

“So I strip that bed, bath that child, cook him that breakfast as I always do and let him sit on my knee while he rewinds the same ten seconds of video on you tube he did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.“

Bath THAT child. “That child” has the same energy as “That thing.”

“Nothing changes much in my house, except my feelings. 

“Today I am tired. I don’t want to be an autism parent today the same way any other parent may feel about not wanting to be the mum of a toddler who tantrums daily or a baby who has reflux or the partner to someone with Alzheimer’s. We all have days when we are just down about the life we have.”

Um, no. You don’t want to be an autism parent because it’s hard on you. You’re not thinking about your son. If you don’t want to be around someone because you only focus on how their disability makes things difficult for you and not taking their struggles into consideration, they deserve better. 

“Yet we carry on. We dust ourselves down, search for some positives or listen to some music.

“Tomorrow is a new day. It will probably start off with screaming again too., but maybe tomorrow I will be stronger, more hopeful, more upbeat.

“Maybe tomorrow I will want to be the autism parent I need to be. 

“Maybe tomorrow.”

So you just spent 90% of the blog post crying about how hard your life is because you see your child as a burden, and then you say “we carry on”? Are you for real?

This blog post is disgusting. It has one and a half valid points: the preface and that double-edged sword I mention. But that only makes up like 10% of the whole post. The other 90% is them creating a sob story to get pity and sympathy. They’re making themself out to be a victim. 

Here’s a hot take: if you’re not willing to love your child because of something out of their control, like a disability or their sexual orientation or their gender identity, you shouldn’t become a parent. You can’t go into parenthood expecting the ideal family life. You can feel frustrated about the obstacles you face. That’s valid. But DO NOT demonize your child and/or make them out to be a burden.

[veethewriter]

hi there could i get a (male) hq matchup?

gender: genderfluid (any prns r okay)

sexuality: still figuring it out.

MINOR.

personality: laid back, pretty chill, over dramatic, weird as hell. i video called my friends today and told i was taking a shit, i was deciding on whether not to show them it or not lmfaoo. i’m random and i do things spontaneously but i do think some things through.

personality type: intp

likes: cold tea, blazers, collecting random things from stickers to playing cards, fruit flavored stuff, books, and sleeping.

dislikes: bugs, too hot or too cold weather, alarm sounds, really ignorant and loud ass people, cherry, and mushrooms.

clothing style: i wear most stuff with oversized blazers and coats. i like the casual white dress shirt n tie w black skirt topped w a blazer.

fav artists: bts!! cigs after s3x, kali uchis, the nbhd, mitski, joji.

fav song as of rn: neon moon by cigs and first love/late spring by mitski

struggles: depression and social anxiety. i tend to distance myself a lot just bc i need lots of alone time?? being around ppl kinda sucks away my energy and i need time to recharge.

flaws: i’m stubborn and bullheaded, i make completely selfish decisions while being aware of it, i tend to avoid conflicts bc fear of confrontation, i hold grudges.

ups abt me: very considerate, very understanding, i’m always willing to talk things out.

love language: acts of service!

ideal date: movie night at my place or maybe just a drive while music is blasting.

included what i look like// i also have streaks in my hair :D

Of course!! I think you match up well with ryu!

Listen you two are very spontaneous dorks together, like no one knows what you could do next when your with each other. Ryu will give you alone time unless he thinks something is wrong or your pushing him away for a reason. You too have little arguments here and there (but most relationships do) however you always get back along in the next hour or so.

Sometimes you'll catch Ryu helping you out with small things behind your back. Lost something, he'll put it where you can find Dont wanna cook that night, he'll make you food for you. You'll have to introduce Ryu to your bands because he has never heard of them, plus he wants to see what you like (he'll probably learn more about them on his own time also just for you).

He would love to go on a late night drive with you, especially when listening to yours or his favorite music. He'll sometime take you to a high hill in town where you can sit on the hood of his car or yours and watch the stars. For gifts he'll get you CDs of your favorite bands or he'll some new times of tea he thinks you'll like (also probably some stickers here and there).

Hope you like it!! ❤

[albarivas]

ana de armas, cis female, she/her    —    whenever i see alba rivas meandering down agnes street la escalera by pablo alborán starts to play inside my head. maybe it is the vibe they give off. bullet journals, colorful dresses, hairstyles with bandanas ;   you know ? artistic impressions is what keeps them interested in agnes. i heard they are a thirty-three year old teacher at bright future. they look like the kind of person who would make you do a vision board. 

hi again, it’s ella again. okay so i had cameron (the lily james) but tbh she’s a new muse and right now i don’t have the brain to develop a muse from scratch but i still want to write and that’s why i decided to bring alba, one of my oldest muses. i’m so happy to give her a new home and i can’t wait for her to meet all of your characters.

basics

NAME: alba carolina rivas borges

NICKNAME: al, albie

GENDER: cis female

PLACE OF BIRTH: boca raton, florida

DATE OF BIRTH: april 19, 1988

AGE: thirty-thirty

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

OCCUPATION: teacher at bright future

background

tw: illness, cheating

CHILDHOOD

her story starts between cuba and spain. her mother, carolina, fled from cuba and her father immigrated from spain with no friends or family and only with a few dollars. the two newcomers were matched by fate and just a year later they welcomed their daughter, alba.

two years later, a son completed the rivas family. they didn’t have much and often had to deal with homesickness and many times they considered moving to spain, but eventually they decided to stay.

it was a big change for both julián and carolina. he used to work as a lawyer back in spain and carolina had almost graduated from med school. now in the united states they both had to start from zero.

her mother traveled an hour from boca raton to palm spring every day where she worked cleaning those luxurious houses.  her father got his credentials to become a spanish teacher and taught in the local high school.

alba always knew she didn’t have much. she grew up going with her mom to those huge houses and from a young age she understood what wealth could buy. however, alba never envied those who had a lot more than her. in fact, her childhood best friend was the girl that lived in the house her mother cleaned. the two were inseparable.

ADOLESCENCE AND COLLEGE YEARS

alba excelled as a student. education was something her parents always deemed as important and so she made it her goal to make them proud. 

she earned a spot in a prestigious public high school. as a teenager, she was the model child. always listening to her parents, rarely giving them problems. she had an active social life, she went on a couple of dates and she was part of several groups.

these qualities eventually earned her a place at nyu. moving to new york was something she’d never considered. she liked florida, and her family were there but her parents convinced her that this would be a great opportunity and that she could comeback.

becoming a teacher was her ambition. she admired her father for doing it and she knew from a young age that she wanted to teach children. 

to make ends meet, she got a job as a waitress and she really didn’t have a social life as she worked and studied full time. there was no time for friendship and even less time for dating.

it was during one day at work that she met someone that changed her life. she met another student while she was working who asked her out but she refused, however, he came back and did the same thing every night until one day she finally accepted.

one date turned into two and then three until soon people couldn’t see one without the other. most people thought they wouldn’t last, their personalities and values were too different. he came from a wealthy family, the typical spoiled kid that was set to inherit his parents’ fortune someday, the one that always featured on page six with a different woman every night. meanwhile, alba came from a working-class family, daughter of immigrants who always had to work to get what she had in life. despite the skepticism, they proved everyone wrong.

at twenty-two, alba graduated with a degree in early childhood education and began working as a teacher.

ADULTHOOD

her relationship with this guy (i dont have a name for him lmao) was better than ever and after dating for three years, he proposed and alba said yes as she was convinced she’d found her other half.

however, not everything was perfect. his family didn’t like her and things only got worse after they got engaged. the couple married only a year later. they left new york and moved to florida where they bought one of those houses alba always had dreamed to have and the best part is that they were neighbors with her childhood best friend.

but all good things must come to an end, and soon her fairytale turned into a nightmare. the relationship with her in-laws was awful which eventually caused tension in their marriage. they began to fight more often and he started to spend more time at his office than at home. however, she was determined to make their marriage work, a love like theirs couldn’t end like this, she wouldn’t allow it.

tw cheating: one day, alba returned to their home early and what she saw was heartbreaking. there he was, in bed with none other but her childhood best friend. heartbroken, alba refused to accept any of his excuses and immediately filed for divorce, to the joy of her in-laws. end of tw.

after her divorce, alba moved to california where she started a year course at stanford. she planned to stay there but that when she received news from home.

tw illness: her father was very sick, and her parents had decided to move to islebury, rhode island. without anything holding her back, she packed up her stuff and moved here as well so she could help her mother with her dad. end of tw.

she’s been living here for three years now and works as a teacher at bright future.

personality

She has the ability to see the good in almost anyone or anything and tends to sympathize with even the most unfriendly person. She often hides the extreme depth of feelings from her, even from herself, until circumstances elicit a passionate response. 

She has a deep sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. She sees the world as a place full of possibilities and potentials and is governed by her intuition. She is quite reserved and is not easily manipulated.

She is a good listener and considerate, they try to care for and understand others in a deep way. She can be very calm and intuitive with the people around her, being able to search for hidden meanings in the actions and words of others.

Of course, all of life is not rosy and Alba is not exempt from suffering the same disappointments and frustrations that are common to others. She tends to be a perfectionist and often strives for personal ideals that can be exhausting or very difficult to obtain.

headcanons

she’s a bookworm. her favorite book is the persuasion by jane austen

she speaks fluent spanish

alba has a beautiful white persian cat named nube

she loves wearing bandanas in her hair

claims she’s allergic to strawberries, she’s not. she just hates them and that’s easier than explaining why

connections

Younger brother: I’m gonna make a wanted connection because I love this dynamic. He is two years younger than her and she adores him. She tries to stay in touch with him and in general, they are close.

Ex-best friend: they met as children and grew up together, they knew everything about the other. alba’s mother worked as a housekeeper and she used to go with her sometimes, that’s how they met. this person came from a different background, she lived in one of those expensive houses alba could only dream to own. their friendship was so strong that they even applied to the same university (although her friend was not accepted). alba considered this person as the sister she never had, but then she did the worst thing in the world, she slept with alba’s husband. they haven’t spoken since she found out.

Ex-husband: They divorced two years ago, after alba found out he had been cheating on her with her best friend. they met while she was a student at NYU and were together for three years before getting engaged and married. he comes from a wealthy family, the typical perfect american family. their relationship was never approved by his parents. she hasn’t spoken to him since the divorce.

Best Friendish: Okay, so this is a tricky one because her actual best friend turned into Judas and slept with her husband, but maybe this person is the closest she has to a best friend. she trusts this person and since her divorce, this is the only person that she has been able to speak without limitations.

Bad influence: Alba has never been one to go to many parties or even to drink, but this person is the only one that can convince her to have a good time.

Co-workers/Parents: She works as a teacher at bright future, maybe your character works there or their kids go/went there.

Neighbor: self-explanatory

Unlikely friendship: The two have different personalities, but somehow, both have managed to get along and form a weird friendship.

Hook ups: She’s not really the relationship kind bc she’s always busy but once in a while she hooks up with people ghdghdhgd (open to everyone)

Flirtationship: they act like friends, but cannot help to throw flirty looks or comments at each other.

Unrequited: It could go either way, I’m fine to plot it out. I’m an angst hoe sooo

Bad tinder date: after her divorce, her friends tried to set her up with someone but it didn’t go well. There was nothing wrong about her date, but she wasn’t ready and in the end it was a very uncomfortable situation for them.

One night stand: she was drunk, he/she was drunk too. They didn’t plan it but happened and now whenever they see each other in town it’s a bit awkward.

[witchyspell]

Fear of Losing You

pairing: Jimmy Darling x gender neutral!reader

summary/request: Jimmy darling x male reader: dandy and reader both meet at a show and hit it off...spending more time with dandy ment less with jimmy...jimmy being jealous decides to get your attention 💖 requested by @kingreidx

word count: 2.5k+

warnings: swearing, alcohol abuse (very drunk jimmy), angst and fluff ofc, dandy’s god complex

A/N: i’m sorry this took so long! i’ve just been overwhelmed lately and suffering from, you guessed it, writer’s block. this made me want to watch freak show for the third time, i love that season so much...anyway, i hope you enjoy! :)

IMPORTANT NOTE: this request originally asked for a male!reader’s perspective. however, more than half way through, i realized i hadn’t mentioned any specific pronouns to designate the reader and that there were no details that implied their gender. i decided to change it to a gender neutral perspective so anyone (including a male reader) could read it. i hope you understand!

[full credit to the owner of this gif!]

Eight months ago, you met the most caring and thoughtful person, Jimmy Darling. Never in your entire life had you ever encountered such a selfless and considerate soul. His laughter was unbelievably contagious and his charm so strong. His sole presence lit up any room instantly.

You first saw him when you attended Fräulein Elsa’s Cabinet of Curiosities or in other words, the town’s freak show. The idea of spending actual money to watch people perform and be treated like circus animals made you sick. They were still human no matter how they looked or what deformities they possessed, but your parents thought otherwise. They insisted it would be amusing and a ‘nice outing’.

You went anyway, the idea of defying your parents way too risky. Little did you know, that that evening, you’d meet the person who would soon become the light of your life.

From the moment he stepped on stage, you were immediately captivated. His chestnut curls drooped down over his forehead. And his eyes, despite being dark, shone under the stage lights. You didn’t notice anything unusual about him until he removed his hands from behind his back.

“These pinchers dont hold me back,” he exclaimed cheerfully. “Watch me juggle!”

The ‘pinchers’ in question resembled exactly that. They were quite large and his index and middle finger fused together as well as his ring and little finger.

The crowd oohed and aahed but you remained mostly unfazed. You studied his face a little longer, sensing something was off. Behind that joyful, cheery facade he looked unhappy, almost embarrassed.

His gaze caught yours as he wrapped up his performance, offering a smile to the audience (which you now knew wasn’t genuine) and showing off his abnormal hands one last time. Later that night, you introduced yourself to Jimmy Darling and entered his atypical, curious world.

✾ ✾ ✾

Sitting on one of the squeaky wooden chairs, you watched and absentmindedly listened as Bette and Dot practiced their singing for the upcoming show. Rehearsals had eventually become tedious and repetitive, since you never participated in the performances.

Your job was to sell tickets, and sell tickets you did. You also welcomed the spectators as they entered the show’s grounds, plastering on the biggest grin you could possibly muster.

You loved spending time and bonding with everyone but it was getting old. So old, you’d sometimes miss the show and wait in the makeup tent until you had to escort the audience out.

A quick peck to your cheek pulled you out of your thoughts and you blinked, your eyes readjusting to the intense show lights. You looked up and saw Jimmy watching you intently, waiting for you to react to his presence. He looked concerned when you didn’t respond and sat down next to you, wrapping his arms around your frame.

“Everythin’ alright, sweetheart?” Jimmy asked, cocking his head to the side.

You didn’t want to worry him so you simply nodded. What would you even tell him? That you were unhappy? That was false. You just craved something exciting...new.

“I’m fine, Jimmy. Really, I was just lost in thought that’s all,” you reassured him.

“Will you come to the show tonight, then?” Jimmy asked, pouting at you. He knew you couldn’t possibly refuse him, especially when he made that adorable face. You paused, feigning considering his offer before assuring him you were only teasing. “If you insist.”

He opened his mouth, most likely to make a witty comment, but you shut him up. You brushed your thumb over his cheek and leaned in, ever so softly kissing his pouty lips. He pulled you in even closer and you rested your head on his shoulder, watching the lights flicker as Dot’s voice echoed through the tent’s walls.

✾ ✾ ✾

Great amounts of people were rapidly flooding in, creating a large crowd. By the looks of it, tonight was going to be very busy and you were certainly not complaining. Lots of people meant lots of tips, which meant lots of publicity and propaganda for the show.

After gathering everyone and selling an impressive amount of tickets, it was nearly show time. You rushed to the makeup tent and made sure everyone was ready to perform, the perfectionist side of you definitely spilling out a little.

Elsa was the opening act, her voice never ceasing to amaze you. As you entered the tent, you spotted Jimmy pacing back in forth, seemingly nervous.

You walked over to him. “Jimmy, love...Is everything okay?” Concern laced your voice and you furrowed your eyebrows. He wasn’t a stranger to stage fright, on the contrary, it was a regular occurrence for him but it was rarely that bad.

“There’s- God, there’s so many people out there, Y/N! I don’t know if I can do it,” he shakily spoke, looking pale as a ghost.

“You’ve done this countless times, Jimmy! It’s just a few more people than usual, you can do it,” you soothed, your words only mildly reassuring him.

He shook his head and closed his eyes, the anxiety becoming overbearing. “No, it’s not the same-“

“I know it isn’t but there is absolutely nothing to worry about, okay? You always do great, tonight won’t be any different,” you engulfed him in a tight embrace and spoke in his ear. “Now, go show ‘em what you got.”

He smiled at you, whispered a quick ‘I love you’ and darted out of the tent. You followed him, confirmed every single performer was all set to go and sat in the audience. The lights dimmed, plunging the room in complete darkness and the curtains were drawn to reveal Elsa in beautiful makeup and a just as beautiful dress. Her graceful voice deeply moved you, feeling almost transported by it.

You subtly glanced around towards the end of her performance, trying to discern the look on people’s faces. Most of them looked disappointed, but you weren’t surprised. They were here for the ‘freaks’, not the real talent after all.

As your eyes scanned the crowd, a particular someone caught your eye.

He appeared to be in his mid twenties and was the textbook definition of ‘tall, dark and handsome’. He had slicked back seemingly black hair, perfectly parted down the middle. His baby blue irises, although adverted towards the stage, were still visible and bright. He wore an elegant, unique striped suit that probably cost ten times more than the most expensive item you owned.

Next to him sat an older, strawberry blonde woman who you assumed was his mother. It was clear they were significantly wealthy from their luxurious clothing.

Your attention was still fixated on the young man. Something about him was intriguing, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Elsa had long left the stage by now and it was time for the others to shine. He looked mesmerized by everyone on stage. The fascination in his eyes was blatantly obvious, like a child in a candy shop.

He must have felt someone staring because his gaze met yours rather abruptly. You quickly spun your head back around, caught off guard. Slightly embarrassed, you shyly peered at him from the corner of your eye to make sure he was no longer paying attention to you.

Much to your surprise, he was now staring at you, an unreadable expression plastered on his face. He didn’t smile or nod, just stared. Jimmy appeared on stage just as you were beginning to get slightly anxious. You beamed at him, mouthing a silent ‘you got this’ and he flashed you his signature alluring grin in return.

The stranger still rumbled through your mind as you watched your boyfriend juggle four, five...six bowling pins. As soon as the show ended, you were about to make your way backstage to congratulate Jimmy, when a foreign male voice stopped you in your tracks.

“Excuse me?”

You hesitantly turned around and found yourself face to face with no other than the dapper young man. “Yes?” you answered skeptically.

“I noticed you speaking with one of the freaks earlier. Do you, perhaps, happen to work here?” he asked. You cringed at his choice of words but knowing correcting him wouldn’t get you anywhere, you ignored it.

“Uh, yes I do.” The awkward tension in the air was undeniably present and you slightly stuttered.

“Fascinating! You aren’t one of them I presume. You seem perfectly attractive...” he started. “Tell me, how is it living with freaks?” Your face, once again, twisted in disgust at his poor wording but you stayed calm. Jimmy on the other hand would have been fuming. The man before you had a posh way of speaking, his voice matching his wealth. It was drastically different from what you heard on a day to day basis.

“I didn’t even introduce myself! How foolish of me! Forgive me, my name is Dandy Mott,” he exclaimed, disregarding his previous question and holding his hand out.

You hesitantly took it. “Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.” Dandy’s grip was strong as you shook his hand. He gave you a heartfelt, closed mouthed smile and bid you goodbye.

“I’ll certainly be looking forward to seeing you again, Y/N.”

✾ ✾ ✾

Ever since your first encounter with Dandy, he attended every single show with no exception. You had grown to enjoy his company even though he was strange at times. Both of you would often go on picnics and walks through town. You, of course, made sure he understood it was purely platonic. You might have been spending less time with Jimmy, but you still remained faithful. He respected your boundaries and didn’t make any advances.

Dandy was different and you liked that about him. You needed something different. Before him, every day felt the exact same and it was painfully exhausting.

Everything was going smoothly until one night, Dandy shared his beliefs about him being ‘a supreme being’. He had hinted at it before, but you brushed it off, thinking it was nothing more than an eccentric pleasantry. You were both standing in front of the freak show’s gates and its frightening entrance when he unveiled that side of himself.

“I am a god!” he had cried out. You were at a loss for words, not believing he truly felt that way at first.

“Is this some kind of joke?” you asked.

“No, this isn’t a joke! This is what I was destined to be. Don’t you get it?” Dandy was becoming more and more agitated by the second, stepping dangerously closer to you. “I would have preferred to tell you this somewhere more...formal. But here we are.”

“Dandy-”

“I thought you of all people would understand, Y/N. Why do you always have to make things so painfully complicated?” he sighed, sounding exasperated.

“Please Dandy...” Your voice trembled. “Leave, I just n-need you to leave.”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, sighing dramatically once again. “You really are insufferable, aren’t you?” Right as he was reaching for you arm, Eve appeared.

“Y/N, there you are! There’s- uh, you see Jimmy-“ she fumbled over her words and you took it as an opportunity to flee the scene. You trusted Eve would take care of Dandy and send him home.

You entered the show’s campus and were immediately stunned by what you saw. A small, familiar crowd of people gathered around Jimmy as he flailed his arms around, nearly dropping and smashing the whiskey bottle in his right hand. His shirt was stained with what appeared to be sweat and vomit, from drinking all night. You immediately rushed over to him.

“Oh, look who finally showed up! Have fun with that prick? You manage to remove that stick up his ass yet?” he slurred, sarcastically tipping his hat at you.

“Are you insane? What the fuck are you doing?” You whisper-yelled, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to his caravan.

“Come on, Y/N! You’re no fun! I was just explaining to them how you ditched me for some rich jerk,” Jimmy blabbered on, nearly tripping over himself.

He dragged his feet in the dirt, ruining his already worn out shoes and dropped the bottle to the ground, completely shattering it. He muttered a simple ‘oops’, chuckling to himself. You practically shoved him inside the caravan and he stumbled onto the bed.

“Get up, you’re filthy,” you demanded, the stench of his clothes unbearable.

“So, this is what I have to do for you to notice me? Get shit-faced?” He sat up, a now hurt expression on his face.

“You know that’s not true,” you settled beside him and he raised his arms, a whiff of sweat hitting your nose instantly. You peeled off the dirty garment from his skin and threw it on the floor, at the foot of the bed. You gently tilted his chin up, forcing him to look at you. His breath reeked of booze but you ignored it.

“I thought I lost you,” Jimmy whispered, tears pricked at his eyes and threatened to fall down.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to distance myself from you, I just-“ you paused, contemplating your words. “I can’t live like this anymore, Jimmy. Not here. And I know it sounds selfish because it hasn’t even been a year, but it’s the truth. I just can’t.” Your voice cracked as a tight knot formed in your throat, and you desperately searched Jimmy’s face for anything that could indicate how he was feeling.

“Come here.”

You leaped into his arms as your tears wet his bare chest. Sobs racked your body as you finally let go of everything you kept bottled in and hidden deep within yourself. Jimmy’s calloused fingers soothingly rubbed circles on the exposed skin of your back while you cried, before slowly pulling away. You peered up at him with glassy eyes, your lower lip trembling.

“I’m so sorry for everything, Jimmy. Dandy he-“ you shakily started but Jimmy was quick to shush you.

“Shh...it’s okay, baby. I forgive you,” he warmly smiled. His eyes suddenly lit up, an imaginary lightbulb shining over his head. “Now, what do you say we run away together?”

Your eyes nearly popped out of their sockets at his outrageous proposition. So many questions ran through your mind but you chose the obvious one.

“Are you serious?” you asked, utterly baffled. Jimmy burst in a fit of laughter, his adoration for you clearer than ever.

“Of course I am! All I want is a shot at a normal life...with you.” He grinned from ear to ear, his beautiful face radiating with joy causing your heart to flutter.

“Then yes, without a doubt,” you said, tearing up once more. “I love you. ”

“And I love you,” Jimmy murmured, softly pressing his lips to the top of your head and laying down, lulling you both to sleep.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do you have any hcs for Magnus taking ppl to pride for the first time? I kinda feel like he’d act as a guide for others, making sure everyone feels safe and happy during their first time. Like, I can picture him bringing daylighter Raphael out for the first time, showing Meliorn around (bc even though they’ve been around for a while, the Seelies don’t really do human stuff) and holding Alec’s hand while he looks around in amazement.

well surprise surprise this got very long. bet y’all never saw that coming

ok so i particularly love this ask because like, the idea of meliorn going to pride for the first time is a riot and i adore it

like seelie society has developed completely independently from mundane society in every way, hell, it existed before humans did. so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that their culture even has the concepts of gender of sexuality, and believing that it would be the same as modern western ones is just straight up anachronistic tbh

so like personally i hc that seelie society has no gender (and therefore no concept of sexuality in the way that we see it), so the idea of pride- doesn't even make sense to them, cuz there's no concept of these identities, much less a history of oppression that would bring forward the need to celebrate their resistance like there currently is

so meliorn would want to go just to like, see what that's like and what's it all about. and the whole time they're just following Magnus around and like, taking notes. hm, interesting, what is this trans thing again? ah yes, people who dont think their personality matches the one mundanes believe would be brought by their genitals. hm. fascinating. and Magnus is just like, laughing loudly and it's the best pride he's ever been to, because he knows how ridiculous queerphobia and cishetnormativity are, but meliorn can make that so clear in their words in a way thats just, like, fantastic to hear, you know? and they dont even mean to, but it's great all the same

plus meliorn actually does feel good because a lot of people look at them and smile broadly or even wave, especially younger people who are just like, in awe of them and Magnus, who are so unapologetically gnc and indisputably beautiful, and looking at them is just like, inspiring, you know? and Meliorn has never felt this admired and appreciated and they dont even fully understand why, they're just walking around in their usual clothing and leaf makeup and everyone is just like, in love with them. and it's nice. they can tell there's an edge of sadness to the whole thing, like how their normal everyday existence seems to be so shocking and refreshing for these people, but mostly they feel good about it

later they bring their findings to the other seelies - you know, the ones who dont usually leave the realm and are way less familiar with mundane culture(s) than they are - and the others are like. shut up. there's no way this is real. the shape of their genital defines what wavelength they are supposed to find appealing? this makes no sense. and meliorn's like "idk what to tell u buddy i literally physically can't lie" and they're like surely this is an elaborate prank

but anyway it's fun and nice and they enjoy it greatly and ask Magnus a lot of questions, and Magnus loves going with them more than anyone else because its just so fun and the way this is completely unnatural to them feels refreshing - Magnus doesnt have to explain why he feels the way he feels, for once, but rather he has to explain why people dont get that, and thats a good change tbh

okay onto other ppl im sorry for this tangent djdndjdndk RAPHAEL YES. god i just. okay i love the mental image of Magnus taking Raphael to pride aaaaaaaa

like okay first of all so many layeRS to make this emotional, okay. the fact that he's now a daylighter and can enjoy being out in the sun, the fact that this is a bright costumed parade and it kinda reminds him of the día de los muertos parade and makes him feel at home, the fact that he gets to celebrate and meet other ace ppl - just, so many good things going on here dundidmdi

and Raphael was kinda unsure about going because 1- pride can get pretty sexual at times, and while he gets it and doesn't mind other people's business, he doesn't want to be hit on or participate in that; 2- big crowd makes senses go craycray and it can get very overwhelming and he's scared of overload, plus it's just not his scene in general with huge parties and such. but a part of him does want to go and he's torn, so of course Magnus is immediately like "oh dear, don't worry, i can take you, i'll make sure it's good" and Raphael is like okay

so Magnus takes him and it's :') nice, because as always he’s just so attentive. disclosure i’ve only ever been to the São Paulo pride so i’m gonna go with how it works in here but im assuming it’s not that different in like, other places. also São Paulo currently has the biggest pride parade in the world along with NYC so you know, i think it’s influential at the very least

anyway so he finds a section that’s led by ace pride groups, one that’s considerably small (in number of ppl) and spacious, and it’s. nice. very nice. magnus makes it a point to paint the ace pride colors on raphael’s face (we deserve raphael in makeup tbh) and raphael is all like “it’s fine, it’s not like i’ll want to draw a lot of attention” (like he isn’t wearing the ace flag colors already) and magnus is like hush, let me have this, i want my boy to have a good pride experience. so raphael lets him and hides his smile and lets him, and it’s. cute okay

also idk why but i have the mental image of raphael seeing some other latino guy with some sign like. “i’m not your fetish” or something of the sort, and kind of tearing up because his whole life he’s been seen as this kind of sexual fantasy that couldn’t not be about sex, much less not be interested in it, and he feels seen. and it’s nice, okay

and as promised it’s not too overwhelming in matters of like people, tactile issues and such (there’s little magnus can do about the noise other than spell raphael to decrease his sensitivity so he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is not ideal because it makes communication a bit harder between them, but he does it anyway if raphael asks him to), and if raphael gets tired, they can always turn into a corner and take a portal back home and cuddle the post-crowd jitteriness away. so it’s a success. and raphael hugs magnus later and thanks him and says that it was so great, that he’s missed this, the energy and the colors and the sun, and he never thought he’d get to have it again, and he did thanks to magnus. and magnus hugs him back and tells him “anything for you, my boy,” and it’s the sweetest thing okay im emo

also okay this still falls under Raphael and Meliorn but the POLYCULE okay, or at least saiaphaeliorn. like sign me the fuck up for the 4 of them together at pride, meliorn and magnus helping make some cute pride-themed makeup on the other 3, just aaaaaaaaa. maia looking absolutely gorgeous with her face framed in the bright bi colors, maybe a sunny dress with the trans flag colors? just because i think she’d look so cute in like, a mostly white dress with baby pink and blue details, okay. simon just paints the pan flag on his cheek but it’s still vibrant and cute and it suits him. and ghhghghghg meliorn delicately painting raphael’s face with colorful glitter..... effervescent, okay. just beautiful

and they get to hold hands in public and laugh and crack jokes and simon loves the music and the festival and raphael smiles fondly at him and maia singing along (him and meliorn definitely don’t know what the fuck they’re singing, but it’s okay because they’re clearly happy and that makes the two of them happy too) and just duahsdiahdaiuha soft okay. also they all get to experience meliorn’s takes on the whole thing and it’s fantastic and as usual meliorn gets raphael to laugh until he almost cries, and simon smiles brightly at the sight and gives meliorn a peck for their efforts, and just aaaaaaaa

in short they’re SOFT and i’m SOFT. and look yes i know that usually parades esp big ones are super crowded (lord knows the SP pride parade is an experience) but if in SP with 5 million ppl parading i could find sections with less people where you had enough space to walk holding hands and hear each other and not be overwhelmed, then i’m sure they can too, especially with magic and powers at their disposal. so i’m going to have this

also like. as much fun as this is for magnus (and it definitely is, it’s very nice to get to enjoy to be himself openly, and to bring kids there for their first time, and you know), it’s also bittersweet because like. he was there at stonewall, he was there for the first pride, you know? and apart from the obvious part where he lost so many friends who were there, there’s just. the very bad memories of the riots, because as important as they are and as much as he obviously doesn’t regret them, riots are hard, they are the language of the oppressed. he’s had to magically protect people from being shot by the police, he’s had to withstand trial by the Clave for using magic to shield the people from the tear gas and risking being seen, he’s had to save a lot of lives and he’s failed at it sometimes, too (i’ll always hc that he’s the reason neither Marsha nor Sylvia died during the riots and you can pry that away from my cold, dead hands). and he’s also seen it be whitewashed and lose some of its resistance and meaning, he’s seen Sylvia be booed at a later march when she spoke against imprisonment, and he’s seen so much be lost

and in that sense going to pride with alec later on might be his favorite, because it’s not like, a first time where he’s trying to get everyone to have the most fun they can and shit, you know? plus alec loves watching more than he does participating, he feels way too exposed in the crowded streets with so many openings and whatnot. but watching from a rooftop, where he has the best view, can still hear the sounds and enjoy the colors and the beauty of it from a distance? that’s perfect for him, and it’s a different experience

and magnus sits by his side as they watch, hand in hand, and reminisces about everything that he’s experienced after so many years, all the changes he’s seen, how he feels pride but he also feels loss and he feels old, and he fears what happens if pride’s history is forgotten, you know? and alec listens to him, listens to his version of this story, playing with magnus’ fingers and just enjoying the sound of his voice and the sight. and it’s nice. alec is always super attentive and enjoys hearing him talk and magnus can get lost in his memories unapologetically, you know? and it’s good

but that’s later on, of course, when they’ve already attended plenty together. for alec’s first pride he probably wants it to be like, perfect, so much so that alec has to tell him to slow down again, because of course magnus wants alec to have The Full Pride Experience, but alec would rather soak it up slowly than participate in a lot of stuff, anyway. magnus paints the rainbow flag on his cheek (one of the only occasions alec lets magnus put glitter on him, then promptly complains for the next three months because i swear that stuff is still on my skin, magnus, the other day i found some on my shoes! and magnus laughs at his antics as always and alec is forced to laugh too and can’t even be mad) and they kind of stay more by the end, and alec is kind of smiling in disbelief to himself the whole time as he watches all the colors and the unapologetic way people express their pride, and magnus can’t stop looking at him and grinning, too. and they walk hand in hand and it’s cute

(later, magnus says, see, mundane culture isn’t so bad, is it? and alec looks at him with a way more serious look, full of joy and happiness, and says, no, it isn’t. and kisses him and thanks him for everything, and it’s sweet)

also I'm soft thinking about Magnus reminiscing about planning the first pride along with "his dear friend Brenda" to Alec and/or Raphael, them putting their arms around his shoulder as he tells them the softer stories, too, the good things they did

small bonus: Magnus plays 2 truths and a lie with Simon regarding his memories of past prides, and Simon gets it wrong every time and is all wide eyed by the end, which makes both Magnus and Raphael laugh :)

[raeofsunshin]

1-16 for the mechsona askes >:3

Welp- ... Answers about Della below the cut!

1. Whats their “id” info (name, age, gender, nationality/origin planet, criminal record?)

Name: Della

Age: 17 (???? for multiple reasons)

Gender: Female, uses she/her pronouns

Origin Planet: The City

Criminal Record: She is a prominent member of the rebellion against the immortals and is a host on radio free illium. Has committed various other crimes in the process (murder, theft, tax evasion, etc.)

2. whats their mechanism?

She’s got metal arms and face! Also has a radio for a brain but thats not a mechanism its just her being stupid.

3. how did they get it? doc carmilla or maybe something else?

She didn’t get it from Carmilla, she got it from Medusa (who i have too much lore for but this isn’t about her.” but the metal and the immortality aren’t exactly the same thing. How Medusa “mechanized” her mechanisms was a bit more of a two step process. Medusa, under the alias of Dr. Persephone developed a counter virus to the SPHINX virus called PEGASUS. Once active it would counteract the virus and freeze the patient's aging process. However, it had no other applications besides making the user effectively immortal- ie. it wouldn’t heal them. So most of her patients either paid thousands to heal themselves or if they didn’t have the money returned to her. So Della returned, got legitimately mechanized and has been working to pay off her debt ever since.

4. immortal yes/no? if yes, how/why?

Yep! (Probably.) She got the SPHINX virus as a child and her parents (who were high up in the city) brought her to Medusa.

5. backstory? where are they from? why are they Like This?

*cracks knuckles* alrigty lets go.

Della was born Dellavine Rosile to a family high up in the City (think the equivalent of minor gods, not Olympians by any means but still immortal and holding considerable amounts of power.) She was a pleasant child, if a bit slow in learning, but at age two she contracted the SPHINX virus and began to rapidly age. Her parents brought her to Dr. Persephone and she was effectively cured of the SPHINX virus. However, this left a two year old in what was essentially a seventeen year olds body.

So her parents sent her to work as a nymph. (They are not good parents, they are gods.) She worked there for an indefinite amount of time (Her mind blocked out the majority of it.) Over those years she met Syren (they/them another character- not important rn) who basically figured out “oh shit thats a child” and began to teach her how to be a functioning adult on the days she was fired. Syren essentially acted as an older sibling. They taught her that she had a say in what she was and did. And it caught on.

Unfortunately, the fact that she was essentially a child was what had made her so appealing as a nymph in the first place. (see again, Olympian gods suck.) A few weeks she started sticking up for herself a freak accident that left her badly acid burnt occured. Naturally she lost her job and when she tried to return to her parents they claimed not to recognize her. Syen found her curled up in an alley, half dead and sobbing. They took her to Medusa where she was mechanized. Medusa replacing the acid burned skin and a bit more for the fun of it.

Della’s kinda just been vibin in the City ever since because what is linear time. She’s a radio host on Radio Free Illium. (She replaced her brain with radio equipment so the Archon couldn’t get it. Did she have to? No, she’s just stupid like that.) She’s ran a few missions for the rebellion and def is marked down as “dead?????” where ever the City keeps track of stuff like that. Her minds a little wonky as she still reacts like she’s five to somethings and then turns around and shoots someone in the face.

6. is their backstory based on any other existing story? if yes, which one?

Nope.

7. what tropes are they. dont say that they are not any trope. you know they are some kind of trope

I’m just gonna say powerful idiot. She’s so stupid. I know shes in tropes, I just cant think of any to name atm.

8. the most self-indulgent part of them

Mainly the fact that their face is mechanized. It makes no logical sense and I love it so much.

9. how much different from you they look?

We’ve got the same haircut and that's about it.

10. how do they dress like?

TANK TOP AND JORTS. She’s got a more steampunk outfit too but mostly just decides to be comfy.

11. position on the ship?

Communications officer! She WILL broadcast her radio show from wherever she in in the universe.

12. their instrument?

Vox and Synthesizerg! She also plays the violin terribly. (She took lessons at age two and has ENTIRELY forgotten how to play.)

13. weapon of choice? weapon of necessity? weapon they know how to use but would avoid it at all costs?

Shes got a sword! Its a regular sword. I don’t know enough about sword to say more.

She’s also got a laser gun Medusa gave her that she uses at long range.

tHE WeaPoN oF sEDucTIoN … nah im just kidding she’ll use anything.

14. their theme song but it must be a mechanisms song

Either Sirens or Ties that Bind. I need to listen again

15. their theme song but it cannot be a mechanisms song

Okay so ive got two!

The Cult of Dionysus by the Orion Experience is how she views/portrays herself.

https://youtu.be/ILGUWT4IFWs <<-- this song is her general internal vibe!

16. if you were to make a song of them, what song would you choose to edit the lyrics of? if you made a song of them already, drop the link to it/the lyrics!

Def Favored Son! She dislikes the Olympians and her parents its perfect.

[tenecity]

from haters to lovers; zhu zhengting

from haters to lovers—a series where nine percent and you have the cliche, typical love story

warning: mentions of gender discrimnation

sosososososososo after much procrastination, crying and cracking my head, i finally got someth to possibly hate abt zzt hell yes god

also! taking into consideration tt china is still a v much conservative society, gender discrimnation is everywhere and rlly, as of yet, cant b helped

so which is why, imagine ure a chinese woman you found it weird, almost distasteful that a boy would be in yr dance class

i mean, guys are suppose to be strong people, doing more physical stuff like wushu or smth, and then there’s this boy here, doing pointe and perfect turns

“zhu zhengting is here!!!! oml doesn’t he look like a fairy?” your best friend tugs your sleeve as she discreetly point to the said boy. you roll your eyes. youre tired of this whole rave about him. literally, the entire class fangirls abt him; and apparently, it is not just for his looks, for also for his dance

spsjssjnsnsbs hE IS SO ELEGANT

you wld nvr admit it, but ok i guess ure borderline jealous.

i mean, his lines r clean, force controlled in his movements, perfect timing for rushed movements and then he slows down with such grace that you will never have 

but its still irks you, that a boy should dance so softly and gracefully. doesn’t seem to sit well with your traditional thinking 

so anyway, sidenote! you suck at turns wowww so coincidental

and every lesson, you usually would stay back just to practice it and you always end up with bruises and what nots as you fall repeatedly, no one there to catch you when you fall 

somehow, zhengting stays back today as well, rehearsing his main role in the upcoming performance, “swan lake” 

and you can’t keep your eyes off his figure 

it is mesmerising, how he can convey emotions, feelings, an entire story, through mere movements of the arms and legs. you observe how his every move is calculated, strength justttt the right amount that it looks elegant instead of overly powerful. 

and then you stare at the mirror and you sigh. probably why you only got a minor role in the performance. 

shaking your head, trying to push all those nonsensical thoughts out of your brain, you continue trying to turn, but you just can’t find the balance

yixing: balance baLanCe bALANCE

once again, your arms aren’t fully stretched out and it creates an imbalance, causing you to once again, fall backwards, out of turn 

you shut your eyes, bracing yourself for the impact

but it doesn’t come 

surprise surprise

eyelids fluttering open slowly, you realise just how close your are to zhengting, his ragged breath from his exhausting rehearsal fan across your face, inevitably making them the colour of cherries.

“you ok?” he softly asks, as he lowers you down.

“...yea im fine.” you mumble, head bowed.

“....do you need help with the turns?” 

“....”

“you know, you’re almost there. its just the part at the 180 degree mark, where you have to pull in your hands. your arms don’t always cross, or are pulled in too fast, which breaks your flow and speed and causes you to fall out of turn.” 

how does he know? bc he has been looking at you, dumbass

also i hve no idea how accurate this is i suck at body anatomy

you nod slowly. he makes sense. and its true, you always fall when you are just about to spin to the opposite side.

getting up, your arms are poised, ready to try again. 

andddd they become frigid as hands land on your middle, firm and supportive.

“look, its not even straight here. you need it to be 90 degrees here, before you can even start turning.” he adjusts you accordingly.

“im going to spin you slowly, and we try to perfect each section, ok?” 

he spins you slowly, your arms closing in in slow motion. he corrects you at certain parts, one hand leaving your waist as he repositions yr arm.

and now, ure facing him, head bowed as a flush colours your cheeks when u realise how close the two of u r. a slight movement will just allow yr lips to brush against his.

but of course his hand is steady as hell and he just turns you slowly and you face the other direction

which, makes ur stomach churn and disappointment flows thru u????

so skipskip next scene

its after class and ure packing up when u hear some commotion at the corridor

n u follow ur busybody classmates

u can barely see who is shouting bc u a cute shortie :)

but u recognise the voice

"NO i'm staying dad. this is what i want to do."

"No, no, no. teacher, im v sorry, but i will like to pull my son out of this dance class now. i will pay the rest of the fees, but he will not be performing that stupid recital-” 

“i am performing, dad.” the voice is calm and collected and you try to tiptoe, just barely catching sight of the brown locks

“no u r not. zhu zhengting, u r a boy, u cannot do this kind of girly things! it makes u look v 娘* do you know that? a disgrace, an utter disgrace!”

the voice rings as everyone falls silent, heads turning towards zhengting, waiting for his response to the harsh comment. 

“i will prove to you that there is nothing to be ashamed of.” he quietly says, bowing and turning his heel, head held high, with no sign of regret or disappointment 

as you watch the figure go, everything falls together like pieces of a puzzle

why he works so hard 

why when it already seems perfect enuf, he still practices, saying there is still space for improvement 

why he was so desperate to get the main role 

he wanted to b in the spotlight and give a flawless performance bc he wanted to prove to his father, that boys dont have to b restrained to a singular activity and stereotype. they can do whatever they want, so long as they like it 

guilt washes over u as u watch his father storm after his son, realising that this man is a reflection of you

new found respect is the word u will use on zhengting. 

everyone applauds him. an art form shld never be restricted to a gender.

ur heart opens up to him more, and admiration for him blooms as u watch him place high expectations on himself, doing a particular move over and over again, even tho in your eyes, it alr seems perfect enuf

just like how he is to you; perfect and flawless

its addicting to watch him. his pale arms, his clean movements, his strong legs, his silky brown locks, the way his eyes sparkle when he talks about dance, the way the edges crinkle when he laughs, the way he is so bubbly about everything.

and he starts to take notice of you too, helping you to readjust properly, telling you tricks and tips on how to keep perfect balance, how to put the correct about of strength into a movement. 

for the next few weeks, you end up gg hme later than usual, staying bck with more than an hour just to spend time with him, and not gg to lie, you r falling for him 

but... you kinda don’t rlly knw i mean 

he’s nice to everyone

what makes you so special?

anywayyyyyyy

FINALLY RECITAL DAY WOOHOO

everyone’s pretty hyped about it

but u knw the main dancers will be extremely nervous and u decide to go find zhengting in his dressing room, just to give him assurance, if he needs any.

“zhengting?”

“hmmm?” he says (???) as he turns around and oMLORD JESUS CHRIST IS HE A BEAUT

the eyeshadow makes him look sultry, the foundation emphasising how his skin is flawless and hydrated, his eyebrows strong and dark, a true prince indeed

he snaps his fingers, pulling u out of yr trance. “did you want to say anything?” u hear a hint of hope and u almost smirk 

“uh...you look good? and good luck.” you mumble, tripping over your words, unused to a god-like creature looking at u with such intensity in his dark eyes

“what did you say?” he teases, cheekiness flowing through his words

“i said,” you clear your throat. “you look good and good luck for your performance

how you wish to wipe that smirk off that face, if not for the fact that u secretly find it EXTREMELY HOT and your cheeks are flaring red at the sight of it.

“if u want to wish me good luck,” he leans forward. flirtatious. “how about a kiss on the cheek?” 

you roll your eyes and try to push him away but he is quick to grab your hands and stop them midway, intertwining your cold, clammy ones with his own.

“please?” 

“fine,” you try to sound nonchalant but the nervousness is so evident that u see the smirk creeping up his face again.

lips barely brush over the smooth skin and you pull away, blood surging upwards into the blood vessels of your face.

“bye,” you want nothing more than to dig a hole and hide your burning face 

“see you afterwards?” 

but u’ve already rushed out and he chuckles to himself, warmth oozing thru his being, and his cheeks flush as he thinks about the kiss you give him. 

he will definitely have to find you later to give you a proper one ;)

you guys wld b cute buBS UWU

my endings suck dbhasdjbfhjdbkjf

[mollydollyjournals]

I had my first crush on a boy as a small child, but in hindsight I was always crushing on girls too. I knew I was bi somewhere in my early to mid teens. I've still had barely any experience with anyone other than cis(het/bi) men because of my own nerves and the fact that gender norms mean those men come onto me more than anyone else. With monogamy i was just always already in a relationship, with a boy.

I abandoned monogamy years ago but didnt have much confidence to date, so the only things that happened outside of my existing relationship (which is now a marriage) were again cis men who pursued me. There was one occasion on a night out with a woman who seemed to pursue me but in my awkwardness I was only half sure and it never went further than a kiss.

I feel like it's become a comedy story. Everyone who knows me irl knows it - it was my 27th birthday and we went out to a gig/mini-festival that happens every year around that time, I was dressed ridiculously and I stood out, and my friends (and later husband) watched me get flustered over what to do with this girl that I clearly had some kind of tension with.

I dont know what I'm doing with women. But I dont know what I'm doing with men either. I know sexually. But I dont know what I'm doing with people. I've had a string of bad experiences with cis men recently, again, and I'm finding myself thinking I wish I had a girlfriend. Or just someone who isnt a cis man.

The last cis "girl" I had a crush on turned out to be transmasc. A "guy" I thought was cute years ago came out as a trans woman. Neither scenario made me less attracted to them. But beyond like...heavy kissing. If that. I've never been with anyone other than cis men. To my knowledge. I know how to work with that, but I was awkward as shit for so long as a teenager and I wouldnt want to make a trans person uncomfortable and i would definitely do that. I could learn eventually but it would take me some time, and in that time I would probably fuck up irreparably.

And even with cis women, where my tiny bit of non-cis-male experience is. In theory, yes. But only a little. And biphobia is rife. I'll sure as shit never be a gold star lesbian and I never want to be. Neither would I want to be proud of being straight. I know it's not the same at all - I just wouldnt want to be 100% one or the other. It's not me.

Since I found out about biphobia in the lesbian/wlw community I was really put off. I mean if I'm attracted to all genders, and cis men are making themselves known to me, then I still have some options and I dont need to risk anything by exploring further. But I always still liked women and enbies.

Now I'm finding myself in a place where I'm so tired of men, I dont want to go there anymore. All the media I've watched recently I've felt more attraction to the women, and everything I've thought about doing recently ive wondered if I might meet a cute girl I hit it off with. But we've all heard post-breakup straight women say "I hate men I wish I was gay" and rolled our eyes because it's not that simple. I dont want to be that. And I dont want anyone to think I'm that. But surely my recent history is no coincidence? Surely I need to take that into consideration? Surely I need to hang about for a bit and see what happens?

I'm still attracted to cis men. Just not much. Purely physically. There is one exception and that's complex. But any other guy, even where I used to be someone who was totally up for casual sex and such, I dont even want that most of the time. Thinking about sex grosses me out. But then sometimes I see a girl and I feel that attraction again.

I dont know if its come to the forefront because the familiarity of cis men isnt blocking it right now, or because it just is all I have. I wouldnt want to date a girl and make her think it was serious only to break up because I fell in love with a man. But then isnt that just the bi stereotype? Isnt it always that regardless of your gender you pretend to be into a woman only until a man comes along?

I'm having such a major crisis of direction. I call it that because it's not a crisis of identity - I'm not gay, not fully, and I've known that long enough. I'm just also definitely not straight. I'm definitely bi/pan. But I'm also in crisis in general. I'm a very honest person and I'll never go into anything pretending I know shit i really dont. I'm doing bad. I spiral often. Any day I might do a game over. I'm married to a man I barely know anymore, theres another man I'm dating that I just need to actually talk to, theres all sorts. I dont really want to look for anything new. But I know my new attractions recently have been overwhelmingly not male, and especially not cis male. I dont know where I'm going with this.

[onisionhurtspeople]

Sorry I just ran into this blog, Lainey said on Twitter they're an ISFJ awhile back. I can see both them being an unhealthy INFP that thinks their Si is stronger than it actually is due to looping and them being an unhealthy ISFJ. They could be in an Si-Ti loop where they dont let new ideas in and believes their experience/conclusions are always correct without looking further than that for information. (1/3)

They’re also very tactful (auxiliary Fe) which makes them seem innocent and wanting group harmony instead of drama. An unhealthy Fe user sweeps issues under the rug to live in their ideal “peaceful” world. If an ISFJ is gripping, their inferior function is Ne. This may cause them to think of all the ways life could be and using it as an excuse that nothing could go wrong due to the likelihood (they think) of it in their life (ex. bringing 18-20 year olds into an unhealthy relationship, believing Onision didn’t cheat due to the fact many things could happen since there are infinite truths in the world and Si-Ti may think that their POV is the most correct from what they gathered). I can see INFP but I do want to see what you think of this. 

Sorry it took so long to respond! I knew this was going to be a long one, so I’ve been avoiding it because tbh you will never meet a lazier INTJ than me. I apologize in advance for the poor quality of this message, because my brain fog is really shitty today and I’m feeling not nearly as sharp as I usually am. My arguments will probably not be as convincing or wordy as they usually are.

Anyway, I believe she actually said she was INFJ. I remember because I was the one who asked her to take the quiz. >_> (Unless we’re thinking of two different incidences? This was, if I recall correctly, around the time that Billie had just left for the final time, so I want to say September or October of 2016.) Anyway–tbh, the fact that she got INFJ just confirmed to me more than anything else that she really was an INFP, because let’s be real, I’m pretty sure no INFP has ever existed who didn’t first mistype themselves as being an INFJ. (I’m mostly joking, but like.. only mostly.) Of course, ISFJs also frequently mistype as INFJs, so this is an idea worth exploring.

Anyway, I shall try to explain why I see her as an INFP rather than as an ISFJ or INFJ. I apologize in advance if you’re an INFP; if I end up saying anything rude about them, please understand that I’m not making disparaging comments about INFPs in general - I’m just evaluating Lainey, who is (I believe) a very unhealthy version of her type.

So, first and foremost: Fi. Sooo much Fi. But Fi in the most unhealthy way possible: incredibly self-righteous and self-absorbed, and excessively concerned with interpreting and relaying her own individualistic, unique identity to the world. She needs to be acknowledged for her differences. If you look back at all of the arguments she’s ever had with Greg on social media (in other words, the times when he says something that aggrieves her enough that she’s actually willing to confront him over it), they all have the same theme in common: they’re always about her feeling affronted because he invalidated her values or sense of self somehow. For example: the last fight they got in was because Greg referred to himself as being in a straight relationship, which offended Lainey because she interpreted that as him undermining her gender. I can think of a few other examples of their arguments on social media off the top of my head, and they all follow that same theme: Greg being insulted that she was hero-worshiping a musician who didn’t like him (also an Fi user); Greg arguing with her about eating fish; Greg calling her filthy because her room was dirty and she hadn’t cleaned it; Greg insulting her family (especially her mother and sister). When Lainey gets involved in Greg’s debates or ongoing feuds with other content creators (Jaclyn Glenn, Joy Sparkle BS, Blaire White, etc), it’s never to weigh in with her opinion, and only ever to express her irritation over them misgendering her, either accidentally or on purpose. When she’s rude and condescending towards her fans, it’s typically because they questioned her sense of self somehow (usually in regards to her gender, internal motivations, or relationship with Greg). It’s rarely in defense of anybody else, which I feel like would happen more often if she really was an Fe user.

I think the tactfulness and willingness to sweep things under the rug that you’re interpreting as being aux Fe may actually be a combination of Fi seeking harmony in relationships (high Fi users can do this too, just like Fe users can; the difference mainly lies in when, and for what reason, their feeling function becomes triggered when somebody crosses the line. For Fi users, this tends to be when something strikes a personal nerve or attacks and invalidates their character or sense of self; for Fe users, this tends to be when somebody rejects, abuses, or takes advantage of their warmth and care, or when somebody expresses a lack of concern for the collective (family, friends, neighborhood, club, church group, society, etc) - other words, selfishness. If you dismiss their overtures of affection after they’ve put effort into displaying warmth and consideration, then they may become offended when that same person then takes advantage of those polite gestures, or refuses to reciprocate them), and also Lainey just generally not caring enough to say or do anything to counter Greg that might rock the boat in their private life. 

Secondly: Ne. In Lainey’s case, her Ne is not as overt as I’ve observed it in other INFPs, and I’m not sure why this is. I apologize if this comes off as rude (and it really kind of is, but I don’t know how else to say this in a non-offensive way), but I think it’s really just because Lainey is an INFP of average intelligence, whereas most INFPs (that I’ve encountered, anyway) are in the gifted range, and so their Ne is much more readily apparent. Ne and Se share many qualities (being that they’re both Pe functions), including that they both have a preference for wanting to live life by their own standards, a strong dislike of feeling constrained or held back, feeling compelled to seek novelty (Se in a more physical, concrete way, and Ne in a more abstract, conceptual way), and wanting to learn through experience. Se and Ne both feel driven to be seen as cool–but in different ways. Se wants to be seen as cool in a more physical and conventional sense - for example, by being entertaining, or by dressing in a manner that is immediately impactful in a sensory way. Ne, on the other hand, wants to be cool by being unique, different, iconoclastic - it wants to be regarded as quirky and iconoclastic, cool for being “uncool”, if that makes sense. And so many INFPs are drawn to countercultures (hipsters, for example) who are unconventional, but still have a certain mystique and draw to them; and I definitely think Lainey fulfills that aspect of Ne.

Ugh. I’m sorry, my brain power is running low. Brain fog is super bad today. I think we both see Si in her, so I don’t think I have to explain that. Mainly where I see Si in her (especially in the form of Fi-Si loops) is her inability to let go of people from her past. She even did it with Billie: brought her back over and over again because she would find herself looking back on the good times, and minimizing the bad ones. She makes the same mistakes repeatedly because she reviews her memories of them (memories which are attached to emotional experiences), and feels compelled to relive them, no matter how painful they were. 

Please don’t make me write something for Te. My Te is all pooped out today. :C

Anyway, it’s lovely running into somebody on here who’s knowledgeable about the cognitive functions! =O I’m guessing you’re an INFP as well? Sorry for this shitty argument, I  might try to redo it in a few days when my brain fog dissipates a little.

Edit: I just went back to the the post; and yeah, she scored as INFJ-T on the 16personalities test (admittedly shitty and has nothing to do with the cognitive functions). In the comment section, I left a link on how to differentiate between INFJ and INFP, lmao.

Edit #2: Oh, one last thing: here’s a description of what a destructive INFP looks like from one of my favorite MBTI sites, Psychology Junkie. Doesn’t it remind you of Lainey?

Destructive INFPs are self-absorbed, self-righteous, and waver between being passive and extremely judgmental. They enjoy living in their fantasies, but care little for the practical realities of daily life. They may neglect their loved ones and family members and instead prefer to live in a world of their own making, in essence abandoning everyone who holds them dear. They may consider themselves more morally superior or “righteous” than others, married to their idealism to such an extent that any and everyone in the real world seems flawed and disappointing. They may retreat from the world and silently judge everyone they see. Over time, they may become increasingly harsh and condemning of people in their lives. They may become so obsessed with their own emotions and fantasies that they shun or berate anyone who tries to find a way into their hearts.

Healthy INFPs are extremely empathetic, gentle, and compassionate individuals. They care for the persecuted and marginalized people of the world, and strive to help them. They are honest and driven by their morals to live a life that adheres to their values. They are creative and insightful, slow to judge others yet holding themselves to a high standard.

Also, just for the keks, here’s the description of destructive ESTJs, the type that I suspect Greg is. (I do believe that he actually took an MBTI test and scored as ESTJ, which he hilariously tried to use to “prove” that he wasn’t a narcissist or psychopath. Really shows how much effort he puts into researching his “facts”.

Destructive ESTJs are dictatorial, aggressive, and controlling. They believe that they know what’s best for everyone, and that their way is the only way. They suppress their moral compass and disregard the feelings and values of other people in exchange for their own rigid views. They push forward to achieve their goals, but instead of taking time to reflect on their decisions, they steamroll over everyone in their path in order to accomplish tasks without considering alternate viewpoints or the moral implications of their actions. They may be loyal to a corrupt system or authority and suppress anyone who stands against that authority or questions it. They trust their own personal experience and disregard other people’s experience. They scoff at the emotions and values of others while they allow themselves to have their own temper tantrums and emotional overreactions.

Healthy ESTJs: Healthy ESTJs are hard-working, trustworthy, and loyal. They see the world logically and push themselves to live up to a high standard. They don’t ask other people to do things they wouldn’t do themselves, and they uphold traditions they see as morally right and effective. They are intellectual, practical, and usually outgoing. They are very supportive of their communities and families and want to make the world a better place.

(Source)

[animal71154]

hey..just thinking out loud here re: genderbends and whether theyre good or not. and i ramble a lot BUT here i am!!

so obviously cis peoples understanding of 'swapping' genders (and what genders mean in general) tends to be very basic and tired and the way they approach stuff like genderbends just reveals that understanding for what it is. i.e. your standard 'character has Pænis, here is character instead with Vogani and Boubies in a Dress..gender SWAPPED!!!' it is blatantly transphobic, and they usually reduce women down to 'dress, makeup, slim, cute'. but i think it also just shows a huge lack of creativity and thought about the character and their relationship to gender. so if it was done by less-shitty people who actually have an understanding of gender, it might be really interesting!!

obviously bodies/clothes/behaviour arent gendered at all, and no changes need to happen for anyone to be any gender. but i wouldve have had a VERY different life if id been dmab. i could have still turned out roughly the same, but realistically probably not!! and in my understanding, thats what genderbends explore! one persons experience living in the world is gonna be different depending not only on their actual gender, but on what they were assigned at birth. its freaky to think about.

and this is just my take, but wrt the idea of nonbinary genderbends, i think the gender binary is actually the central idea at play. in western society, we get one of two genders assigned at birth, depending on a handful of arbitrary physiological factors. from that moment on we grow up with that set of preestablished rules imposed upon us, instead of the other one. there is no nonbinary rulebook and it is not assigned at birth, so instead of imagining how they wouldve been a different person, we can only imagine how/when our character found out and whether they would express themselves differently afterwards. i love making characters nonbinary and i wish i saw more of it! but thats what a trans headcanon is, not a genderbend.

i dont know. im feeling really vague rn but i hope what im saying is coming through?? it can be a really interesting idea when its not coming from idiot cis people.. and it doesnt necessarily have to be cis, either! i think taking an existing trans character and totally rewriting and redesigning them if they were still trans but just the other binary gender is kinda cool.. like theres some room there for things to get kind of messy and presumptuous of course but tbh no less than telling cis people to make trans headcanons instead. it just requires whoevers doing it to be sensitive and considerate and do their research much like anything else. I DONT KNOW i think genderbends have lots of potential to be pure and fun, and actually be a good jumping off point for thinking about how fake gender roles are and how nothing matters!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

[rantingcrocodile]

You’re right. Men don’t always need to dress up to assault women in bathrooms, but there are quite a few that do.

When we also know that trans women are much more likely to be sex offenders than men who aren’t trans, it’s only reasonable that we’re careful. 

But this part is especially interesting to me:

also where. do you want transwomen to pee? in a mens bathroom? where best case scenario theyre told they cant and worst case they’re physically/verbally assaulted?

So you agree? People need spaces to use the bathroom where they aren’t afraid of being assaulted? Which would include women needing our spaces so we’re less afraid of being assaulted or raped? I’m glad.

The thing is, when you try to preach, “so what youre telling me is you matter- but trans people dont” you’re ironically arguing that trans people matter but women don’t.

Ask yourself this: why aren’t separate, gender neutral bathrooms being promoted as a solution for trans women to use the bathroom in peace so that they’re not assaulted by men, but instead, trans women keep demanding access to women’s bathrooms when we don’t want them there?

Why isn’t there consideration of both sets of feelings? Why do women have to give up our spaces instead of trans people creating their own, new spaces? Why do women have to feel unsafe just so trans women don’t feel unsafe?

Why are you mocking women for being wary of men, but in the next breath are completely fine with trans women being afraid of men? 

We don’t think about the trans men using men’s bathrooms because trans men don’t have penises to rape with and they aren’t any more likely to rape or sexually assault than any other woman. Trans men are always shoved down and ignored by trans women anyway, so it’s laughable to try and use them as any kind of “gotcha.”

When so many trans women are only trans because of their autogynephilia (that’s the pleasure that they get by seeing themselves as a woman, in case you didn’t know the word), and entering women’s spaces gives them pleasure by simply seeing themselves as a woman in a woman’s space when they’re not, that also means that the actual women just doing their thing in the bathroom become fetish props against our consent, which is also disgusting and predatory even if there’s no physical touching involved.

Stop demanding that women give up our spaces to males and start asking why trans people can’t make their own spaces instead.

Hint: it’s because they’re misogynists.

As a side note: I care and feel awful for trans men, I care and feel awful for the trans women who are actually gay men, but no, I don’t trust the rest of the trans women out there. I would be a fool to do so. 

soooo when are radfems going to face it that men have never needed a costume or act to enter women-only spaces and assault women?

also where. do you want transwomen to pee? in a mens bathroom? where best case scenario theyre told they cant and worst case they’re physically/verbally assaulted?

also if you guys are raising such a fuss about transfems in womens bathrooms why arent you abt transmascs in mens??? whats the difference aside from the fact that youre concerned for your safety and not others? so what youre telling me is you matter- but trans people dont, just because they’re trans?

arent you really just scared of men? isnt that what you should be focussing on, that you find men to be such a clear threat that you even hate the “men” peacefully trying to use the restroom in public because you cant even look past your own biases to even see intention?