#i dont bring up my issues and just do everything (christmas) everyone has a super time

[lilgynt]

i’m still going crazy about my brother getting mad and being like you force me to fix all ur problems bc you can’t do it urself!!!! maybe i wouldn’t think ur dumb if u just handled them!!!! but literally two days ago he was like i get that you don’t like me offering solutions and or trying to fix ur problems all the time but i feel like i can’t be my authentic self without it

[ones-delight]

I unfortunately won’t have therapy until the end of this month (I should have scheduled one earlier this month ugh lmao I thought one later this month would be better) so I’m doing what my therapist suggested, write down all what’s going through my head even if it doesn’t make sense to help bring myself back to reality. lol. I’m very much lost in my own sauce of feelings and thoughts. it’s allllll about my ex again so ugh lmao. My main anxieties are just feelings about my ex and what’s coming up this semester.

I’m currently in my apartment in Iowa City since we’re about to start back up my usual routine. I’ve been here for almost two weeks now which is nice because I’ve been trying to take my time to relax and get myself mentally prepared for this upcoming semester. I’m also low key glad I’m having these overwhelming anxieties right now instead of later this week. I need to ask my therapist again what exactly I am feeling (if it’s like a panic attack because i truly dont know) because I’ve been feeling hella anxious the past few days (in general) and yesterday my anxiety was so intense that I barely ate and I felt sick to my stomach. idk if others have the same too but when I also get hella anxious, all I want to do is go to the bathroom so tmi lmao. I feel this way now and I just cannot stop crying so again, I’m just writing everything that’s going through my mind lmao.

#1) Related to my ex, heart break

Yeah.. I literally keep talking about this/him and I’m glad I have multiple outlets that I can say what’s going through my mind because if I keep these thoughts to myself, I keep spiraling. I’m also very thankful I have multiple strong support systems from people where it truly doesn’t get annoying to them when I keep talking about him/my overall heart break/healing journey. I know I don’t want to burden my friends with my own thoughts (it can be a lot) so overall very thankful for friends, family, and my therapist lmao. 

I think the last time I talked about my heart break was the letter I wrote to him. I wrote it and sent it to him lmao. I also wrote his mom a letter in Spanish because I want to stay connected with her and very thankful she reciprocates the same energy, Apparently, he never received the letter even though I sent it over 3 weeks ago, but anyways yeah that’s a story I will tell later in this post. Anyways, it’s legit easier said than done to completely stop checking on his social media. I was doing great before winter break. Now that winter break has happened (still kind of is for a few more days), I have relapsed where I was checking very often. The break was great since I got to spend quality time with family, however, unfortunately being back in Wichita still floods a lot of my emotions where there are still a lot of memories of him and I that still makes me feel sad (luckily no longer sobbing about but I do still feel some type of way. It’s getting better thankfully). It also hurts that he’s making new memories with his new girlfriend Kylie so I was def feeling all sorts of things. Sorry, I’m trying to go onto chronologize order of events that have happened. I’m jumping back and forth lmao 

First, did I mention his mom called me the day before Christmas? I was SHOOOOOK when I saw her name on my phone. I legit froze because I wasn’t sure if it was actually her so I accidently missed her call. I’m so glad she left a voicemail so I could listen first and immediately call her back LMAO. But basically, she wanted to check in to see how I was doing, wish me and my family a merry christmas/happy new year, and asked if I could come see her. We joked a bit back and forth like how she was learning English for me while I’m learning Spanish for her. lmao. so after this phone call, I wrote her a letter to update her on what I’ve been doing. I wrote it all in Spanish since that’s her primary language so thank god for google translate. overall, I told her about how I’m about to earn my masters degree in may, I’ve lost now 30 lbs of weight/having a better relationship with food, how I’m honestly still hurt about her son cheating on me (I was in my feels. You know if you ever get those feelings like you want your mom? She legit is like a mom to me since my mom isn’t an active part of my life so yeah I guess you can say I got mommy issues but anyways) I also told her that if she’d still like me to come over, I’d love to come over and see her.

Few days go by, I’ve been creeping onto his social media, it stings to see how he has flaunted his relationship with Kylie. It hurts because I keep playing this comparison game because he truly has NEVER allowed me to post about us and he would himself refuse to post about us on his social media. So, just to see how he’s been basically spending every single day with her and posting her throughout all of his social media, makes me feel an extreme type of way. during new years, she had a party at her house where it was him, her, his brother paco (which I was SHOOOK because she met paco and not everyone has ever met paco, who is his oldest brother), miguel and his girlfriend (both are super cute btw), Blake (surprisingly), and Erik. I felt some kind of way because obviously I know they would share a new years kiss even tho they’ve only been dating for literally a month. I dated him for 3 years and NEVER got a new years kiss (because he wanted to be with bros). Valentines day is coming up and it’d be their “two month” anniversary and I just KNOW he’d actually put EFFORT into spending that day with her. 3 years I dated this guy and he never ONCE did ANYTHING for me for valentines day. ok I’m getting more hurt thinking how he’s treating his other girls better than me so anyways BACK TO THE TOPIC

few days go by and I got another call from his mom. I actually picked up this time because I was really excited to hear her voice again. I legit would die for this woman legit #1 mom. She asked if she could see me and I happily said yes. It really means a lot that she still gives me the same energy that she gave me when I was still dating her son. One of the hardest parts of us breaking up was the potential of losing his family too because they are all truly good people and I am NOT the CEO of letting people go lmao. okay back to subject, I had TONS of anxiety driving over to her house because I had so many thoughts. I asked on the phone if 1.) is Lalo there. She said no. 2.) Is Paco there. No, he apparently flew back to California that morning. I was low key hoping paco would be there still because it would be cool to catch up with him but anyways my main concern was if eduardo was there so since he wasn’t, I was like “ok vroom vroom let’s go” lmao. WOWOWOWWO seeing her just made my heart so happy. She def has a lot more gray hairs since the last time I saw her lmao she’s the cutest anyways, I’m really shook that HIS DAD FREAKING HUGGED ME. THIS MAN NEVER USUALLY HUGS ANYONEEEEEEEEEEE. Typically how we greet each other, it’s like a wave from a distance and we obvi acknowledge each other. so WOOOOW I was very thankful and shook he hugged me. Anyways, his mom showed me around the house with the Christmas decorations, I noticed her birds were still doing well, she even showed me her new plants she got lmao. We sat at the dining room table and talked and ate mexican snacks. She has broken English and I have broken Spanish so literally thank god for dualingo because it has helped me. I love how when we are together, we talk really slow and try to annunciate for each other LMAOOO. Anyways, THIS WOMAN ALSO GOT ME A STOCKING filled with Mexican Candy. omg this woman i love her so much. Anyways, I showed my tattoos to her and she legit wanted to murder me lmao but she says she likes them but hates them at the same time. She also sat me down and we had a serious conversation in terms of how she sees me. She said that I am no longer known as lalo’s novia, what I am to her is a daughter. I am evelyn’s sister and yo boi that got me crying in the club because that’s what I would love to have, to maintain my relationship with them . Okay, to kind of speed things up, basically we kept talking about Evelyn’s quinceanera that’s happening this year AHHHHHH, dropped Evelyn off and her friend to a friend’s quince, and his mom took me to eat at paleterias tropicana where I tried elote for the first time and had a jugo verde WOOOOOW SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD. literally cannot stop thinking about it. Anyways, random note, I noticed my old K-State beanie in the car and his mom said it was Evelyn’s. It gave me a weird feeling because it was originally mine that he gifted me on our first Christmas together but obviously I knew he wouldn’t keep it so I’m not suprised he gave it to Evelyn. It made me wonder then what did he do to the other gifts that he originally gave me but I gave it back to him once we broke up.. okay that was a tangent, anyways, that was it with the night with his mom and ughhh it was a really fun night and I really am looking forward to seeing her again.

Now fast forward to now-ish, me not doing good of not checking his social media, I got triggered because they now made it “facebook officlal” that they are dating. it triggered me because again, he refused to publicize our relationship and it really threw me off that they’ve only been dating for a month (technically interested in each other since October, started dating November) and already publicizing they are together. they moving hella quick and basically, I got hella bitter. I felt reckless and I texted him. I KNOW I shouldn’t have texted him because I immediately felt a sense of regret after but also low key glad I did text him. ugh i hate me lmao. Anyways, i texted him and he asked if he could call me so I said yes. Luckily, the conversation was better than I expected because it was simply like two old friends catching up. It was a really good feeling even tho I’m honestly still hurt about the way that he treated me. It caught me by suprised when he said that he has talked about me with Kylie and he actually stated that he knows what he did and feels regretful for the choices he made. That was a huge shocker and I do still have trust issues because I try to take things that he says with a grain of salt. He may be saying things to me that I want to hear but it’s not the truth so anyways lmao. Our conversation was good and it really got me thinking what exactly am I doing/how am I really feeling.

I really am happy for him. Yes i’m still deeply hurt and feel a type of way about how he treated me, but I can’t do anything about the past and all I can do is just simply be happy for him. I will always love him without a doubt, but he isn’t my person. I hope this doesn’t come off as selfish but he will never find someone better than me, he is simply finding someone better suited for him. What helps me the most about this is thinking about ME because that’s the situation for him, however, I know I will find someone better than him because I deserve the best.

I felt bad for asking because I am just fucking nosy and I’m glad he was okay with me asking about what happened with his relationship with Lila (the girl he left me for) and how did he start dating Kylie. He shared with with me that even though it was all great in the beginning with Lila (and let me tell you dude, he totally was hella infatuated with her lmao), they started becoming two different people. She apparently wasn’t emotionally there for him when he needed her (IRONICCCCCCCCCCCCC BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY HOW HE WAS WITH ME THROUGHOUT OUR 3 YEARS TOGETHER) and she ended the relationship. It did make me sad to hear because everyone needs support and it is sad when you go to someone for support and they don’t give you it, ya know? anyways, he said with Kylie, they’ve been friends for two years (I knew who she was when we were together but they’ve always only been friends since they worked at the Sunflower together. This will sound extremely bad but I never thought about her being a girl to worry about because she did a lot of “white” things that we make fun of white people for and so it kind of shocked me that he is dating her now but anyways) apparently he said that “they were hanging out and next thing he knows is that he kissed her and that’s how they started dating.” dude didn’t want to go into detail which was fine but I’m also in my head like “ok lmao you literally just got broken up by your ex and then immediately start hanging out with another girl? ok” ANYWAYS, I really am happy for him and wish him the best. 

It was cool to hear about what he’s hoping to do. He shared a lot more detail than usual which again caught me by surprise. Anyways, he shared that he is currently looking for a new place to live (a house to rent) somewhere in college hill (conveniently where Kylie also lives lmao) with Erik. He is also hoping to find another job soon because things at KWCH are no longer making him feel happier so he’s looking to see if he can work for a non-profit org which makes me happy for him because I’d also want to do the same. If I’m at a job where I’m not excited to be, I’d want to also try to make a switch. He also shared that junior (martin, his little brother) will be moving to Cali in May to move close to paco which wow made me really happy for them all. Anyways, he shared that he is hoping to stay in Wichita for about one more year and then possibly relocating to KC or somewhere in Oklahoma. i did encourage him KC because it seems that KC has much more opportunities than Wichita and Oklahoma. Only thing we both hate is driving in KC lmao

Okay, so overall, I’m still really hurt about how our relationship was and how it ended but I’m very grateful that I’m doing what is best for me to make progress because this is not an overall easy thing to do, move on. I do feel low key embarrassed that I still am not over our break up but I’m very glad that I know that He isn’t my person. we will and I cannot get back together with him even if he stated that he has “changed” Yes i invested so much in him to be my forever partner and it didn’t work out but that’s okay. I’m always willing to invest in people to be the best version of themselves and it really makes me happy to see people thrive. I truly cannot and will not take him back if there was ever a time where he wanted to give us a second try because I need to remember how he treated me. If he really was always thinking it was me, then he shouldn’t have cheated on me, treated me so poorly. I’m okay with us remaining friends, but as partners in life? that isn’t it. I deserve so much better and the man of my dreams will come. I’m 10000000% okay with being single because I know I need to work on myself so that I can be fully ready for my next. I really wish my next relationship is my one and only, but hey we’ll see. 

so this is already extremely long but I’m very glad I got this all out of me. I know I have other anxieties such as starting school again, which will be my last semester before I earn my masters (FINALLY), RA training coming back up (so me working is coming back), JOB SEARCH. So much is coming up and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I need to get my head into gear. 

[dementedxxxsoul]

SUPER VENT.... IF YOU DONT WANT CHRISTMAS NEGATIVITY THEN SCROLL ON.

I no longer have any Christmas spirit. It finally left me all together. How did that happen? Well it’s easy when you have been the one for years always trying to make it special, always trying to bring family together, always trying to please every fuckingvone and what do I get? Nothing but let downs, broken promises and bullshit. My kids are the only thing that brightens my day and I’m glad they were happy this morning. Their dad once again made this year about him and managed to sleep through our kids opening their presents. Then has the audacity to wake up and start talking shit to everyone, screaming and yelling. Can we say self centered asshole? This is the second year he pulled this shit and I am slowly losing my patience with him. He’s miserable with himself and feels better when he brings everyone down with him. I am most likely going to leave him this year after 16 yes. I’m fine with everything. I’vebeenbtrying my best day in and night out trying to do everything in my power to make sure we have a home make sure his damn mom is okay and I work. He stays home and helps with our ASD son but fails at that cause all he ever does is bitch about everything. All I ever ask of him is to try to limit his bullshit anger issues. He manages to ruin almost every holiday or special occasion. He’s so blind of the fact too. He lives off of how he was raised and how his father did things. Well we are in the now and things changed. I’m fucking depressed too. I have diagnosed mental illnesses to but I don’t sit and make excuses or use that as an excuse to not show up. All morning while I’m trying to be in spirits with my daughter helping her with her presents, his mom constantly kept calling me to “do this” “do that” only because it’s Christmas and she and her son are one in a sane when it come to throwing a wrench on special days. His mo didn’t even need help she just wanted to keep bothering me because she knows it’s about my kids and she wanted all the extra attention. It’s 2:50pm where I’m at and he is still asleep. I need to start dinner and I have work at 3am tomorrow. Of course he’ll leave me to cook everything alone once again . He doesn’t give a fuck about my stress or how tired I am. Leave most people would say. Well it’s not that easy cause I don’t want to abandoned his mom and the house. My son needs that house, but a part of me been thinking about it. I’m fucking done and I’m just absolutely fucking tired.

[underleaves]

Happy new year/Bonne année ♥

I wish you all a happy new year! May 2020 be an indulgent year with all of you, may it be filled with small pleasures as great joys and may you stay healthy!

I wish you all a happy new year! May 2020 be an indulgent year with all of you, may it be filled with small pleasures as great joys and may you stay healthy!

For me it's time to take stock because the year has been full of events and taking a step back often helps me get back on the starting line in better shoes. If my little life doesn't interest you, you can skip the rest right away. If behind the drawings you are also interested in the artist and her moods, hang on tight because here we go.

- On a professional plan, it is confirmed, after 10 years of half paid strugglings, settling my services on professional rates has killed my activity as a naturalist illustrator. I have no more work and income since more than a year now. (Don't worry, I'm not in the street either, my love took over and our families are super supporting)

Paradoxically, I have never drawn (and especially enjoyed drawing) as many plants and animals since it's no longer for orders.

This "unemployment" nevertheless allowed me to devote all my time to my next comic "Plumes", which brings me to the next point.

- On the artistic plan, 2019 it is: more than fifteen illustrations, 24 comic pages painted with watercolor (a collaboration with JackPot, began 6 years ago, and which was a challenge as informative as rewarding), 270 WIPs posted with my Patrons, 240 sketches/sketch pages, 34 pages (only, raaaah !!!) nude studies, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, 12 colored comic pages and 12 other pages sketched of "Plumes"!

All in just 9 months, because I spent three months in South Korea during spring, which brings me to the next point.

- On a personal plan, I finished draining up my savings in a new trimester of study of korean in Seoul and it was really the break I needed to complete my transition and start off on a new foot. I met adorable people there, I left behind me art and my feeling of permanent failure to invest myself in a learning that I love, and succeed by validating my achievements with a score of 87.8 / 100 in exams. The whole thing was toped by a great trip through Korea with my husband (of which we lost almost all the photos in a computer crash, sadness ...).

I had to let everything down for a few months to begin to realize that without being really depressive, I had been wading for 4 years in a depressed state stucked to my skin and that I refused to accept despite the fits of tears and the regular fights against the need to curl up on the floor while waiting for the day to finally end.

I guess that those who follow me for a long time must be surprised to read these lines because I have never been the type to spill over my life and even less on my problems. The fact is that I always considered that I wanted to share my creations and my cheerfulness and that the rest had nothing to do on the web, because there were already enough depressing things in everyone's daily life. But over the years, I realized that all the artists and / or friends that I admired from afar and who to my eyes had succeeded, were in fact often in financial issues, or on the verge of depression, or exhausted by this race for visibility on the net, or overwhelmed by their feeling of failure, or fighting the impostor syndrome (when not all at once) and to cope with so many other problems that I know too well. Seeing them openly talking about their problems helped me to step back from mine and realize that the artists who really succeed are ridiculously few and that they are not even happier. So I told myself that for once I was going to make an exception and drop the varnish, because I don't know ... first it feels good, and if it can help someone, like these other artists helped me, then it was worth it.

The parenthesis closed, I come back on my daily routine because there is no way I am ending on a negative note. SO :

I continue to jog 3 times a week and climb 2 times a week with my love. My climbing improvement also goes on (I managed to climb two 6c +! *A*).

I managed to get back into the habit of reading in the evening and I'm reading in English right now. I no longer have anxiety related sleep disorders and I fell good since I started painting Plumes and feel like I have a new job. Even if it yields me nothing, lalalaa ... XD;

I continue to learn Korean slowly on my breakfasts and weekends. I also continue to write and I still love it, even if I have too little time to dedicate to it.

I also regularly spend time for my indoor plants and in my garden, which makes me feel good.

I learned to manage my schedules better, to be more realistic about the time that each task takes me but also to take into account the nervous fatigue that goes with it in order to organize my weeks more effectively and to exclude unnecessary stress.

These are a lot of small victories or small achievements with which I am very satisfied into my lifestyle, because they do good for my mind as well as my body.

And my love offered me a set of study oil paints for Christmas, so I still have great artistic experiments waiting for me. ♥

My good resolutions for this year:  Spend 2020 as I finished 2019 and everything will be fine ~

Thank you to all who took the trouble and had the courage to read me until the end.

And thank you to all those who comment, reblog or like what I post on my various platforms, your support is precious to me and that is why I wish you all the happiness in the world for this new year. ♥

-------------------

Je vous souhaite à tous une excellente année ! Que 2020 soit une année indulgente avec vous tous, qu’elle soit remplie de petits bonheurs comme de grandes joies et que vous y teniez la santé !

Pour moi il est temps de faire le bilan car l’année fut riche en évènements et prendre un peu de recul m’aide souvent à remettre les pieds sur la ligne de départ dans de meilleures baskets. Si ma petite vie ne vous intéresse pas, vous pouvez sauter le reste tout de suite. Si derrière les dessins vous vous intéressez aussi à l’artiste et êtes prêts à vous manger ses états d’âmes, accrochez-vous bien car c’est parti.

- Sur le plan professionnel, c’est confirmé, après 10 ans de galères payées au lance-pierre, me caler enfin sur les tarifs professionnels a tué mon activité d’illustratrice naturaliste. Je n’ai plus de travail de ce côté-là et c’est ceinture financièrement parlant depuis déjà plus d’un an. (Rassurez-vous, je ne suis pas sous les ponts non plus, ma moitié qui a pris le relai et nos familles sont super bienveillantes)

Paradoxalement, je n’ai jamais dessiné (et surtout pris plaisir à dessiner) autant de plantes et d’animaux que depuis que je le fais pour moi-même et non plus pour des commandes.

Ce « chômage » m’aura néanmoins permis de consacrer tout mon temps à ma bande-dessinée « Plumes » pour la mettre enfin à l’eau, ce qui m’amène au point suivant.

- Sur le plan artistique, 2019 c’est : plus d’une quinzaine d’illustrations, 24 planches de bande-dessinée mises en couleur à l’aquarelle (la collaboration avec JackPot, dans les cartons depuis 6 ans et qui fut un challenge aussi instructif que gratifiant), 270 aperçus de travaux en cours postés auprès de mes Tipeurs, 240 crayonnés/pages de crayonnés, 34 pages (seulement, raaaah!!!) de croquis d’étude de nu, et SURTOUT, 12 planches couleurs et 12 autres planches de BD crayonnées de « Plumes » !

Le tout sur 9 mois seulement, car j’ai passé trois mois en Corée du sud sur le printemps, ce qui m’amène au point suivant.

- Sur le plan personnel, j’ai achevé d’engloutir mes économies dans un nouveau trimestre d’étude du corée à Séoul et ce fut vraiment la pause dont j’avais besoin pour achever ma bascule et partir d’un nouveau pied. J’y ai rencontré des gens adorables, j’ai laissé derrière moi le dessin et mon sentiment d’échec permanent pour m’investir dans un apprentissage que j’adore, et y réussir en validant mes acquis avec une note de 87.8/100 aux examens. Le tout fut couronné par un super voyage à travers la Corée avec ma moitié (dont on a perdu quasiment toutes les photos suite à un crash PC, tristesse...).

Il m’aura fallu tout plaquer durant quelques mois pour commencer à réaliser que sans être vraiment dépressive, cela faisait 4 ans que je pataugeais dans un état dépressif qui me collait à la peau et que je refusais d’accepter malgré les crises de larmes et déprimes régulières à vouloir se rouler en boule sur le plancher en attendant que la journée s’achève enfin.

J’imagine que ceux qui me suivent de longue date doivent être surpris de lire ces lignes car je n’ai jamais été du genre à m’épancher sur ma vie et encore moins sur mes problèmes. Le fait est que j’ai toujours considéré que je voulais partager mes créations et ma bonne humeur et que le reste n’avait rien à faire sur la toile, car il y avait déjà bien assez de choses déprimantes dans le quotidien de chacun. Mais au fil des années, j’ai réalisé que toutes les artistes et/ou amies que j’admirais de loin et qui à mes yeux avaient réussi, étaient en fait souvent en galères financières, ou au bord de la dépression, ou épuisées par cette course à la visibilité sur le net, ou écrasées par leur sentiment d’échec, ou à lutter contre le syndrome de l’imposteur (quand ce n’était pas tout à la fois) et à faire face à tant d’autres problèmes que je connais bien. Les voir s’ouvrir publiquement de leurs problèmes m’a permis de prendre du recul sur les miens et de réaliser que les artistes qui réussissent vraiment sont ridiculement peu nombreux et qu’ils n’en sont même pas plus heureux pour autant. Donc je me suis dit que pour une fois j’allais faire exception et laisser tomber le vernis, parce que je ne sais pas… déjà ça fait du bien, et si ça peut aider quelqu’un, comme ces autres artistes m’ont aidé moi, alors ça en valait la peine.

La parenthèse fermée, je raccroche donc sur mon train-train parce qu’il n’est pas question de finir sur une note négative. DONC :

Je continue de courir 3 fois par semaine et de grimper 2 fois par semaine avec ma moitié. Ma progression en escalade se poursuit elle aussi (j’ai réussi à grimper deux 6c+ ! *A*).

J’ai réussi à réinstaller l’habitude de lire le soir et je lis en anglais en ce moment. Je n’ai plus de troubles du sommeil liés à mon anxiété et je me sens bien depuis que j’ai commencé à peindre les Plumes et que j’ai l’impression d’avoir un nouveau métier. Même s’il ne me rapporte rien, lalalaa… XD;

Je continue d’apprendre doucettement le coréen sur mes petits-dej et week-ends. Je continue aussi d’écrire et j’aime toujours autant ça, même si j’ai trop peu de temps à y dédier.

Je consacre aussi régulièrement du temps à mon jardin et à mes plantes d’intérieur, ce qui me fait un bien fou.

J’ai appris à mieux gérer mes emplois du temps, à être plus réaliste sur le temps que me prenait chaque tâche mais aussi à prendre en compte la fatigue nerveuse qui va avec afin d’organiser plus efficacement mes semaines et d’en exclure les stress inutiles.

Ce sont pleins de petites victoires ou de petits acquis dont je suis très satisfaite vis à vis de mon hygiène de vie, car ils font du bien autant à ma tête qu’à mon corps.

Et ma moitié m’a offert un méga set de peintures à l’huile d’étude pour noël, donc j’ai encore de chouettes expérimentations artistiques devant moi. ♥

Mes bonnes résolutions pour cette année : Poursuivre 2020 comme j’ai terminé 2019 et tout ira bien~

Merci à tous ceux qui ont pris la peine et eut le courage de me lire jusqu’au bout.

Et merci à tous ceux qui commentent, rebloguent ou likent ce que je poste sur mes diverses plateformes, votre soutien m’est précieux et c’est pour ça que je vous souhaite tout le bonheur du monde pour cette nouvelle année qui commence. ♥

[ssweeneys]

i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

[missjackil]

My 14x08 Opinion

Byzanthium This one got me feeling some kinda way.... Lets start with Sam sitting bedside with Jack? Ughhh my heart!! Sam has sat bedside of people as they were dying, like Bobby and Claire, of course Dean, but you could see in his face and posture, this was a whole new feeling. A hint of anger came out for a second when Jack said “Tell him Im sorry” and Sam said “Tell him yourself!” but he got a grip and smiled softly “He’ll be right back” Jack couldnt have been any sweeter either. Of course this didnt help my heart any.  “Sam?” “Yeah?” “What happens next? For regular guys like me?” “I dont know” “Then this will be an adventure” Hear that?? Thats my heart shattering!! The amount of emotions Sam showed was heartbreakingly refreshing. No, we didnt get any sobbing, (on screen) but Ive resigned that he saves that for when Dean dies only, but my boy was definitely heart broken. His storming off had me worried. Sam doesnt always make the best decisions with a broken heart. I liked that Dean wanted to give him space... all the way up til Cas told him he left on his own. Then well... space be damned right? I loved that Dean instantly worried Sam made a deal.  I loved the scene with Sam angrily chopping the trees... it reminded me of Red Meat when Dean was taking it out on the trees also. Then he broke the axe head, he crumbled.... the self loathing came out once again that he cant even build his son a pyre. My boy was helpless and lost. Watch your step now, I havent gotten around to cleaning my heart up of the floor.  Now, the “Getting loaded for Jack” scene will go down in my mind as a classic iconic scene forever. Along with great scenes like Sams arms opening as hes about to jump into the pit in Swan Song, the Church scene in Sacrifice, “Sammy Close your eyes” in My Brothers Keeper, the Night Moves scene in Baby. I will always remember this episode by that scene. It was beautifully shot, The candy bars were nothing less than adorable, Sam having a genuine, dimple filled smile. All 3 of them laughing, having fun, drunk off their asses. Then Sam flips his glass and staggers off.... tapped out.  Now, how Sam didnt have a hangover the next morning, or how he came up with an idea how to bring Jack back after 5 whiskeys, shows my boy has some super powers I think LOL to bring Lily back was odd, but good. This showed me that even though they CAN bring people back from the dead, its still not an easy feat. They dont have a resurrection spell, or readily available demon to make a deal with, they didnt call on Billie. This is good. This will keep us wondering and worried about how they can bring each other back in the future. However, Lily coming back considerably shorter was weird... older, sure, I get it, but shorter? Anyway, I LOVED Sam angrily shouting “HE’S OUR KID!!!” at Lily. Its the first time Sam vocally acknowledged that he feels more for Jack than his friend or little brother. I know some of you think the whole “my 3 dads” thing is cheesey and too much like fanfic, but of everything they could have pulled out of fanfic. this one was pretty bold, and I think it works, and its beautiful. (Sure Id rather it just be Sam and Dean as daddies, but Ill accept the trio) The heaven scenes with Jack were good. Im glad he got time with Kelly. The heaven scenes with Cas and the angels was boring, and it seemed they didnt really know what to do with the Empty entity or what kind of deal Cas could make. So he makes a deal that seems as though he just cant let himself be happy. Not that big a deal, though it should upset the hellers eh? Since if he allows himself “to be happy with Dean” hes gonna get sucked into the Empty.  So we end with them “knowing where Michael is” which could kill my “hiding in Dean” theory, but I still have that in my pocket because 

Naomi said she had a general idea, so they dont know exactly

Dean still had those mysterious dizzy spells

Jensen said we will see Michael!Dean again at the 300th party

Jared said Sam will confront Michael

Trailers can be very missleading

Im looking forward to the mid season finale next week. One thing I will definitely say in favor of the post Kripke era, is the cliff hangers for the mid season are always good, even if the episode sucked, they always leave us on a cliff hanger that makes us stressed out and speculating for the whole hiatus. Kripke didnt do that so much, we had s1 “Oh dad is on the phone” S2 “Dean has a secret about Sam” S3 Very Supernatural Christmas and no cliff hanger. s4 Angels are gonna fight Demons (zzzzz) S5 Ellen and Jo died, and Lucifer cant be killed. Great episode, but not actually a cliff hanger. Where as even though S12 Lotus sucked, it was a great cliffy to have the boys carted off to Fed Prison. And last years being trapped in the Bad Place with a “dinosaur” or going back to Sam getting his soul back, or how dead is Bobby? You get the picture.

So needless to say I really loved this episode. A couple minor issues that wont really matter in the long run. So on a scale of Bloodlines to Who We Are Im gonna give this one a strong 9. Well done everyone... well done..

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[arplis]

Arplis - News: How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion

If you have dreams of traveling and camping in a photoshoot-worthy campervan, youre not alone. Lots of people are inspired by the beautiful campervan conversions they see on social media. But do you really need your camper to look like something out of a catalogue? Or do you simply want to live and camp comfortably while traveling?

The reality of converting a van into a campervan is that everything you add has the potential to create more work and more issues when youre on the roadnot to mention the upfront time and money youll need to install every fancy feature you find on Pinterest.

When I bought my GMC Vandura and started living in it part-time, simplicity was my focus. I wanted to seriously downsize my life, so I didnt want to fill my van with too many extras.

The Key to a Successful Campervan Conversion? Keep it Simple.

The van life movement is rooted in minimalism. The VW van-dwellers of the 60s didnt have Pinterest to source ideas from. They lived and camped in their camper vans as a way to escape the confines of too many possessions. And the recent resurgence of van-love, now replete with a hashtag (#vanlife), grew in tandem with the tiny house obsession, along with the idea that less is more. People wanted to reinvent the American Dream, without expensive mortgages and working their lives away to pay the bills. They wanted to get outside more. Mobile living (including tiny homes, vans, RVs etc.) offered a simpler version of comfort, along with mobility, freedom, and low-cost living.

Kelly S. is keeping it simple with her 2002 Chevrolet Express camper van conversion.

But as this alternative lifestyle has turned into mainstream clickbait, the minimalism is sometimes overshadowed by expensive Sprinter van build-outs and elaborate rigs.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love a gorgeously curated interior. I bet you do, too. But the reality is I dont have the budget or the time for all the bells and whistles. And when Im sleeping at campgrounds, I really dont need them. If youre looking to turn your van into a camper van, you might not be interested in the fancy build-outs either.

Whether youre parking at campgrounds or boondocking, you dont have to spend tens of thousands of dollars in converting a van into a camper van.

Lets break down the things you do need in your simple camper van conversion

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Camp fire in the woods

. . . . #campfire #campfirecooking #camplife #camping #campinghacks #adventure_culture #adventureland #adventurers #outdoorliving #gooutdoors #vanlifecamping #vanlifeexplorers #vanlifeproject #welovecamping #Mountkidd #rvparklife #summeradventure #coupleswhocamp #campgoals #campvibes #weliveinavan #modernnomad #modernmillennial #lifeofadventure #twogirlsonevan #exploretheoutdoors #explorers #lesbianswhocamp #gaysinthewoods

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Two Girls One Van

(@two_girls_one_van) on May 30, 2018 at 3:29pm PDT

5 Things to Focus on for a Simpler Campervan Conversion

I spoke to some fellow vanlifers some of them live in their vans full-time, others camp in their vans on weekends to round out my own advice on what you need for a simple van conversion.

M own camper van conversion is a 1986 GMC Vandura. Its old and creaky and slightly unreliable, but (most of the time) I love it, and its perfect for camping.

A Bed

The bed is the foundational difference between a van and a campervan. (Related: once you have a bed in your van, its officially an RV, according to AAA, and youll need their RV coverage if you ever want a tow. I discovered that on the side of the highway in Seattle.)

Ive seen vans with the backseats removed and a mattress thrown in. Ive even seen a hammock strung up inside of a van, which can be easily removed to maximize living space when youre not sleeping.

My van came with a bed that folds into itself to create a bench seat. Its similar to this one, built by @gnomad_home:

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Everyone has been asking us how our couch to bed situation works in our #van! So we decided to make this little #timelapse video for you all to see! Thanks for all the questions and compliments so far, and feel free to keep 'em coming!!

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John

Nymeria

Delilah (@gnomad_home) on Mar 5, 2017 at 12:43pm PST

But I keep mine out like a bed all the time, and find the bed works fine for sitting and occasionally working on my laptop. If I did a camper van conversion myself, I wouldnt bother with the fold-up feature.

The vanlifers behind Two Wandering Soles built a super simple platform bed in the back of their Chevy, and they offer detailed instructions on how to make your own.

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The sleeping area! A custom cut (bigger than) king sized mattress! It fills the back of the Doka and creates a HUGE bed!

>>>

@Vanlifeing_com >>> #ThisisVanlifeing Captured by@vwdoka

A post shared by Vanlife Calendar 2020

(@camper.lifestyle) on Jun 21, 2018 at 12:11pm PDT

When it comes to bedding, Im a big fan of an excessive number of pillows. And Im kind of in love with my Pendleton wool blanket. But now that the weather is warming up, its much too hot. I love the concept of the Rumpl blanket its made out of sleeping bag material which stays nice and cool, but also keeps you warm. Plus, my dogs hair wont stick to it, like it does with the wool blanket. I dont have one yet, but its on my list for summertime van camping.

Power + Light

Theres something special about being in the van at night. I drove miles up into the coastal mountains of Oregon to reach Horse Creek Campground on my first van camping trip. The dark tunnel of dirt road was eery, as I drove further and further away from civilization. But then I reached the nearly empty campground, turned on my collection of Christmas lights, strung around the vans ceiling, turned off the headlights, and felt right at home.

The thing is, if you want to do anything in your van at night, youre going to need light. Ive amassed more and more Christmas lights, which I plug in to The Lycan Powerbox from Renogy. If I want to read, I also turn on a little lantern I have hanging over the bed.

My lights, computer, and fan can all run at once from The Lycan Powerbox. So I have power for camping or working in a Starbucks parking lot (as Im doing, here).

I have a foldable lantern in the storage compartment over the drivers seat in my camper van conversion, so I can see to find my clothes. And a few smaller lights scattered around the van, so theres always one in arms reach when I climb in and need to see before I accidentally step in my dogs water bowl.

The UCO Gear Sitka Lantern is another appealing option. The extendable arm can give you light from above, which is especially handy when cooking or reading.

Im also a big fan of battery operated twinkle lights. Theyre not great for reading, but they give my van a cozy vibe for nighttime relaxation.

My dog, Jackson, likes the twinkle light vibe. He does not like it when I shine my headlamp in his face to take a photo.

Because you can never have enough options when it comes to your ability to see in the dark, I also keep a headlamp on hand. Ledlenser Headlampsare so much brighter than most headlamps Ive tried. Stick one behind your gallon of water for a makeshift lantern when its not on your head.

Fellow van camper Kelly S. also keeps it simple when it comes to lights:I didnt want to mess around with wiring a van, storing an extra battery, figuring out how to charge an extra battery, etc, so I have hooks on the ceiling for battery powered LED lanterns. This way, theyre portable too, and you can use them outside of the van!

Econoline-dweller Rachel loves her LED lights for keeping things simple, too: For lights I have an LED strip that plugs into USB and I just use those little backup phone batteries and switch them out and charge them through my lighter while Im driving.

Shelly S. is hooked on LUMINAID. I get the Cairn subscription box, which is how I received the initial run of this awesome little lantern and have been stuck to it ever since.

Water

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We recently upgraded our water tanks. We bought 3 taller tanks that fit in the same space as our 2 old tanks. We now have ~ 15 gallons of water which can last 1-2 weeks depending where we are and what we're doing. Great decision. #garageviews

A post shared by Megan Cable (@meganmcable) on Jun 7, 2018 at 2:49pm PDT

Rule number #1 with any type of camping: Bring more water than you think youll need. This isnt hard when youre van camping theres plenty of room! But you have a bunch of options when it comes to water storage.

Kelly S. shares how she sourced her best van ideas from traditional tent camping, including water.

For water I have a 7-gallon aquatainer. If you need drinking water? Theres a spout right there! Coupled with a tub on the floor underneath the split, you have a sink to wash your hands, too! Having it bungee corded in place for transport works great, and then if you want to spread out somewhere you stop, you can take it out!

Related Reading:

This Family is Building a Modern Camper Out of Free Materials Found on Craigslist

When it comes to water storage, you really cant beat the classic big blue jug. The Reliance Aqua-Tainer 7 Gallon holds plenty of water for a summer weekend of water drinking, dish washing, and the occasional foot rinse after a barefoot stroll around the campground. Just make sure you have a way to secure it to the floor when youre bouncing down dirt roads.

As for showers, if your van is strictly for camping, then you can usually rely on campground bathrooms for bathing or simply embrace the dirt while youre out there.

If you want to get a little crafty, you can add a makeshift outdoor shower to the roof of your van with ABS piping and a hose.

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One afternoon last spring, we wandered into a Home Depot and stared up at the black ABS piping in the plumbing section. Keith figured there had to be some way to make a shower outta that stuff. Wed mount it to our @yakimaracks roof rack, the sun would warm it up, and gravity would send it down. And thats exactly what it does. Simple. Just like everything else we have goin on in this home of ours. We dont have a fridge, we have a cooler. We dont have LED lighting, we have an old string of Christmas lights. We dont have air conditioning, we have wet rags and a tiny tower fan we got for 9 bucks. We dont have a toilet, we havethe groundand Starbucks.. What Im saying is, you can install plumbing in your van if you want toyou can spend months on end googling every tutorial on earth if you want toyou can pay big money to build out the most well-equipped vehicle around if you want to We simply hope to serve as a reminder that you dont necessarily *have* to.

A post shared by Brianna Madia (@briannamadia) on Apr 3, 2018 at 7:50am PDT

Since I sometimes spend several weeks in my van, I wanted to have a place to wash my face and brush my teeth. I relied on disposable face wipes and gym bathrooms for the first few months. But then my friends at Wood Intimations built a gorgeous sink that is super simple and looks great and its been a game changer.

The pump faucet draws water from a 4 gallon jug beneath the sink, and gray water drains down into a hole in the van floor, so I dont have to empty anything.

It also provides some much needed counter space, and a little shelf for storing those tiny things that always get lost in the van, like the remote to my twinkle lights and my chapstick!

Organization

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TO ALL WEEKEND WARRIORS

. . #doit #doitagain #comfortzone . . #ontheroad #optoutside #wanderlust #nature #vwcalifornia #vankit #freedom #solitude #stayandwander #wilderness #rygg #vegan #croatia #roadtrip #issiontour #vanpuppy #explore #adventure #vaninterior #handmade #bagdesign #travel

A post shared by VANTALE (@van.tale) on Jun 8, 2018 at 8:31am PDT

Organization is so important for your sanity when living or camping in a camper van conversion. Even if youre a minimalist guru who wears one outfit and lives off protein bars, youre going to manage to collect more stuff than you think.

And if your lighting isnt great, its going to be even more difficult to find that stuff.

Staying organized will make you feel like you have a handle on the whole #vanlife thing. Organization can be as simple as a few plastic bins that can slide under your bed. Just make sure you know exactly what youre storing in each of them. (Clear storage containers are ideal so you can see whats in there when you inevitably forget.)

Shelly S. camps in her 4Runner. Its not a van, but the same concepts apply, she tells me. Organization is important for her, too. Mountainsmith has some nice storage cubes soft sided and stuffable. That being said, you can do about the same with those free cloth shopping totes, stored in either a cardboard box or a plastic bin.

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#HELP All right Vanlifers or Van designers or Anyone reallyI need your help! I have this space. All this space. Crazy right when you live in a van, usually it's the complete opposite. So.what the heck do I do with it!? I'd prefer not to put any more storage or I'll just fill it with crap (most of this stuff in the back is not mine). I don't need a pull-out kitchen or a place to store bikes, adventure gear. So other than turning it into a bedroom and renting it I'm at a miss.. Any suggestions???

A post shared by Sian Knox (@exmouth_vanlife) on Dec 22, 2017 at 9:07pm PST

Leah W. recommends as few belongings as possible for staying organized. My biggest recommendation is really paring things down to what you NEED. I had one set of basic utensils, one pot, plate, and bowl, a one burner stove, etc. A small toiletry bag, one duffel bag of summer clothing, one duffel bag of winter clothing. She agrees with Shelly about using bags for organization. While most people are fans of creating boxes for organization, we found that sturdy-ish bags worked best.

I went to the Container Store and bought a couple of soft containers with attached lids. Because the structure of the containers is fabric, theyre easy to stick into places where they barely fit, like the storage area above the driver and passenger seats of my GMC Vandura.

Hooks have also been a sanity saver for me in my sometimes not so organized camper van conversion. I keep a jacket and a couple of shirts that I dont want to be all wrinkly, hanging on a hook by the door. I always know where they are, and I can reach extra layers if I get cold at night. I also have a hook for my headlamp, because that is something that always gets lost.

When it comes to food storage, youll need to think about uninvited house visitors.

Store your food in closed containers or bins, advises Leah W. We started our trip with our food in an open crate, and quickly had mouse friends also enjoying our snacks.

Related Articles:

Truck Bed Tents

Off Road Campers

The post How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion appeared first on The Dyrt Magazine.

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[killanyone4you]

i hate asking people to ask me questions so here are my answers

this was more fun for me then it will be for you

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  uhh my little brother maybe

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on my mood i think.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?  idk if this counts but i’m seeing the used in july

4. Are you easy to get along with?  yes. usually

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i dont drink.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?  all kinds of people. i dont really have a good answer for this. i’m attracted to people i connect with and that’s what i focus on

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? uhhhh

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?  i cant say or i’ll be heavily judged

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?  no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my best friend.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  thank you you da best

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?  like, of all time or just like, that i’ve been listening to recently? ima answer both. so my 5 favorite songs of all time in no particular order are: Something Corporate: Ruthless. Something Corporate: Walking By. Good Charlotte: Screamer. The Outfield: Your Love and Fall Out Boy: Young Volcanoes. my top 5 of all time has changed for sure but that’s it right now. and then as far as songs i’ve been listening to non stop recently also in no particular order: LP: Switchblade (also any LP). Taylor Swift: Gorgeous (also any Taylor Swift).  Post Malone: Sunflower. Selena Gomez: Back to you. I Prevail: My Heart I Surrender. also bonus jonas: any throwback Jo Bro songs and also their new song. anyway that took longer than i expected.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  very much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? no not really. shit happens.

15. What good thing happened this summer?  it’s not summer yet

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?   sure

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?   probs

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?   no haha

19. Do you like bubble baths?   yes. dont trust anyone who doesn’t like bubble baths

20. Do you like your neighbors?  i dont really know them.

21. What are you bad habits?   hating myself? idk i’m a hermit person who hides from the world. annddd that’s probably not the best habit

22. Where would you like to travel?   everywhere

23. Do you have trust issues?   uhhh. i like to think i dont but i probably do

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?  sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?  most of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?   pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?   i just wish my skin was even. it’s a mess.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?   my little brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?  nope. they ran for the fuckin hills yall

30. Do you ever want to get married?  maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?  yus

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? um... i feel like Will Farrell and Danny McBride could get the job done.

33. Spell your name with your chin. hard pass

34. Do you play sports? What sports?   no sir.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?  tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?   uh yeah. probs a million times

37. What do you say during awkward silences?  unintentionally anything and everything that could possibly make the situation more uncomfortable.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?  to answer this properly i’d have to think about it and i’m really just looking for quick answers here. if someone reads this and truly wants to know send me an ask and i’ll answer for real.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? target, the christmas tree shoppe, barnes and noble, michales.

40. What do you want to do after high school?  lol i’m old af i’ve been out of high school for 10 years yall

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?  no. some people do.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  i’m uncomfortable or i dont know how to say what i’m thinking.

43. Do you smile at strangers?  yes. all the time and i hate myself for it.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?  neither pls both of those things are probably my biggest fears of all time.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?  the need to piss.

46. What are you paranoid about?  losing my job due to illness.

47. Have you ever been high?   yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?   yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?  yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?  grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?   yup.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?   my plethora of mental illnesses. probably. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?  i dont wear makeup much anymore. i cant say i have a favorite.

54. Favourite store?  the christmas tree shoppe

55. Favourite blog?  does anyone have a favorite blog?

56. Favourite colour?  grey

57. Favourite food?   cheese/

58. Last thing you ate?  ice

59. First thing you ate this morning?  cake.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?  i’ve won writing competitions

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? fighting.

62. Been arrested? For what?  nope/

63. Ever been in love?   i can never tell.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?   well technically my first kiss was in pre school with a boy called tommy but i’m not sure that counts. my first like, real kiss was at a smashing pumpkins concert and i was kind of seeing this guy who was one of my best friends in middle school and we were in that middle place of like, being really good friends but wanting to see if there was more. so we were there with my best friend and his best friend (who i also had a thing for dont fucking judge me) so i was laying in the grass with my head in his lap listening to one of the opening bands (i wanna say it was fuel but i dont remember) and he texted all the people with our group to ask them to leave so all of a sudden they all walk away and once their gone he leans over me spider man style and kisses me. so to be fair it was also his first kiss but it was really awkward and bad and we didn’t talk at all after, we just went back to watching the show and when my friends all came back i got up and forced them to go to the bathroom with me to tell them what happened and to ask them why they abandoned me. later i found out he was super proud of his “slick moves” and did not in any way pick up on how awkward i felt.

65. Are you hungry right now? nope

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?  i dont really have many of either so eh

67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook. i dont even use twitter.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?  ^^

69. Are you watching tv right now?   i have youtube on my tv playing music videos.

70. Names of your bestfriends?  Jerry

71. Craving something? What?  Mexican food

72. What colour are your towels?  grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  a few

75. Favourite animal?  elephant

76. What colour is your underwear?  grey and white

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?  vanilla i guess.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  raspberry sherbet -

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants?  not wearing pants.

81. Favourite tv show?  Guys Grocery Games

82. Favourite movie?   The Princess Bride or Music and Lyrics or 10 Things I Hate about You

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?  .... this is a dumb fucking question. i shouldn’t even have to say the answer. if you’re in any way questioning the answer dont ever talk to me.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?  21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?  She doesn’t even go here!

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?  Dory

87. First person you talked to today?  my cat

88. Last person you talked to today?  my mother

89. Name a person you hate?   i try not to hate anyone. but i guess it’s safe to say trump

90. Name a person you love?  my baby brother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?  kind of my mom. always trump

92. In a fight with someone?  nope i dont do that petty shit.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i’m not sure any of my pants qualify as sweat pants. i have a lot of leggings and pajama pants.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?  a shit ton. 20 or 30. i dont really know.

95. Last movie you watched? i watched most of infinity war earlier because i was bored but i stopped about halfway thru to go masturbate. which wasn’t a result of the movie i was just horny

96. Favourite actress?  i dont really have one so i’m going to say Millie Bobby Brown because she’s a sweet baby angel

97. Favourite actor? i also dont have one but Paul Rudd is always on my mind so.

98. Do you tan a lot? no yall i’m sickly white all year round.

99. Have any pets? i have a chonky boi Pogue the black cat

100. How are you feeling?  quite indifferent rn actually.

101. Do you type fast?   i guess.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?   many things

103. Can you spell well?  nope i spell like shit,

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?  yup

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?  many. love  good bonfire.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?  i guess.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?   yes i am... born of hillbillies. so. we ride horses.

108. What should you be doing?  dishessssss

109. Is something irritating you right now?   i had plans with my goddamn mother which i partially only made because i wanted her to bring me some things i had mailed to her house and after waiting FIVE HOURS for her to call and tell tell me she was on her wait. she never did so i finally called her and she was like “uhh i said maybe tomorrow.” UGH i wasted half my goddamn day waiting on her ass.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?  uh yes. it’s awful

111. Do you have trust issues?  you already asked this.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  my cat

113. What was your childhood nickname?  i dont think i really had one. my stepmom called me kay.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?    yes

115. Do you play the Wii?    i never had a wii but i played it with others

116. Are you listening to music right now?   yes. i have a random playlist on youtube playing. rn it’s malibu miley cyrus

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?   with a soda on the side.

118. Do you like Chinese food?  yes. it’s probably my second favorite kind of food.

119. Favourite book?   well all the harry potter books i think would be my favorite but i hate that answer because it’s not specific so my favorite stand alone book is Ella Enchanted.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?  not usually.

121. Are you mean?   yeah sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?   on a partner? no. on other stuff maybe

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?  nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?   nope

125. Do you believe in true love?   nope

126. Are you currently bored?  yes. why do you think i’m sitting here answering a hundred and fifty questions for no reason? no one asked for this lol

127. What makes you happy?  sleep. books. my cat. music. driving on the highway at night. food. rollercoasters

128. Would you change your name?  probably. i hate my name.

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway?  yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? my best friend of the opposite sex is gay but if it happened i’d ask him if his feelings would somehow cause us to stop being friends and deal with that accordingly

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my sister in law.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? this is hard because there are a shit ton but i guess the one that’s sticking out the most to me rn is “i have a thought of you for every star in the sky”

134. Can you count to one million? i mean, yeah. but why?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? yall i’ve told so many lies. but the one that just popped into my head is when i was pretty young i was mad at my older brother for who even knows what so i wrote his name on our front door in his hand writing with sharpie. it worked and he got into a lot of trouble

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  open. my asshole cat doesn’t allow any doors in my apartment to be closed at any time.

137. How tall are you?  5′5

138. Curly or Straight hair?  weird waves that dont ever look good

139. Brunette or Blonde?  i’m brunette but i dye that shit.

140. Summer or Winter?  winter.

141. Night or Day?  both for different reasons.

142. Favourite month?  i dont have one

143. Are you a vegetarian?  no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?  dark

145. Tea or Coffee?   both.

146. Was today a good day?  not really.

147. Mars or Snickers?  neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?  god that’s impossible. there’s no chance i could pick only one quote so i’m just going to drop one from the labyrinth because it’s been on my mind and David Bowie is a sex god. “Just fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave.” like. fucking imagine the Goblin King saying that to you? i'd die. fuck me right here pls i'll do anything you say. pls.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont. but i’m willing to be proven wrong

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  “That’s all right.” said the Stork, who was flying along beside them. “I always like to help anyone in trouble. But i must go now, for my babies are waiting in the nest for me. I hope you will find the Emerald City and that Oz will help you.”

[mdkellyellieandwy]

So this weekend we are going to my husband's grandpa's house. Which is fine. I love his family, or at least his grandparents, I really do. But it is going to be so frustrating and I don't know if i will be able to keep quiet about certain things this time.

Like his mom tries to act so involved when were around "her people" but my son (and now my daughter as well) doesnt even know her as their grandma really. Just someone they see on holidays. She doesnt ever ask about them and only knows what I post on social media or I tell her. But she wants to act like super grandma and that's not even close to the truth though.. and the being fake thing makes me so crazy! And both my kids are all about me, so she makes that seem like some horrible thing when were around people, or if my daughter starts crying for me, she wont give her back (she just turned 2 months), even if I tell her to give her back. And that's a pretty common issue with most people on her side of the family and it really pisses me off. I dont know if I will be able to keep my cool if that is how my weekend goes... if people dont want to give me my obviously upset baby, I will probably say something. Or if they try to force my 2 year old to give hugs. Because I don't play that game. He knows if he wants to hug someone or not. I dont even force him to hug me or his dad if he doesnt want to.

But even worse than that, is that my husband's sister will be there. We had a falling out when my son was a few months old (he will be 2 in march) where she said horrible things about my son, and my parenting. It got so bad that I will have nothing to do with her or my husbands biological fathers side of the family (my husband posted about the falling out on Facebook and they all jumped in attacking me). Well, my husband suddenly thinks I should be over the issues because I got upset when she took my daughter out of her car seat as we were going to leave on Christmas day. Because I dont want her anywhere near my kids after everything that happened, and they all continue to run their mouth about me. Even today. He made a comment like "you're really going to be mad over her holding her niece" and I told him that she isnt her niece and my kids will never be anything to her. If he wants to have a relationship with his sister, fine, but my kids and I will not. We are high school sweethearts, and in the past she has stolen money from me and threatened to beat me up on numerous occasions for no real reason other than being jealous her brother had me in his life and it wasnt all about her anymore. When she brought my son into the mix, that is just not something I'll ever forgive, and the fact that she (and the rest of her dads side) continues to talk about my kids, husband, and me.. I just cant do it anymore. And i have always tried to stay civil in the past but i absolutely cannot keep it up. I dont know if i should talk to my husband before the trip, or even text her before the trip, because she touches my daughter and my parents already know they will need to come get my kids and me. But that way everyone knows that if she chooses to try to play auntie to my kids, I'm not playing nice anymore. And I don't feel like I should have to. I put up with so much. But bring my child into it, and I'm done.

What to do. 🤦‍♀️

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day.