#i dont believe anyone is actually unloveable but how else am i supposed to feel when my whole life has just been

[doebt]

Listens to kiss me by sixpence none the richer and just starts decomposing at an unnaturally fast rate

[myownjadedpieceofmind]

This has nothing to do with you.

My feelings. My brain. The memories I can't forget. The way I sit here and cry wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. One day its strength and courage and the next its loneliness and sadness, with tears running down my red fevered cheeks.

I remember how I felt when he told me that no one would ever want me. And I believed him. I remember how hard it was to wear a smile most days while his voice would echo in the halls of my mind, calling me every name but my own. Worthless, liar, whore, cunt... Years later and even though he's changed and I don't know him now, the sting of his words never faded. I'm still the stupid fucking bitch that should keep her mouth shut til she knows what she's talking about.

I stumble through words and feelings and stifle them all because I dont know what any of them mean, or how I am supposed to feel any of it.

I remember how it was like a fairy tale, the way she held me. The way she spoke about me, the looks she'd give me...the way she would put up with my childish moods and encourage all the fun parts of me without ever pointing out the flaws that he couldn't get over. The pride that swelled in my chest when she said "baby, that's what makes us work. You are the thinker... I'm a do-er." And she actually thought I was smart. She paraded me around and showed me off like I was some prize to be won. I never knew i could feel so beautiful.

She left me with an unfinished story and a hole in my chest with more feelings than I ever knew I had. they all bled down my arms as I cut off the parts of my old life i could no longer live.

He created a false sense of care, of protection. As I gathered my strength and was finding myself among the clearing of my past, he showed up. I was questioning my entire existence, facing a life changing surgery, scared to be alone. He did everything he could to set up the trust, to show me comfort, and recite lines like he studied then for this exact moment. But, months later, his mask fell off into the tainted soup he made for me. The monster within grabbed me by my throat in the shower. As I fell, trembling and naked, my bones against the hard sides of the bath tub, he accused me of being dramatic.

Sitting in my empty bed, ignoring the repeating calls from the county jail, and his pleading and begging on my voicemail makes my chest hurt. The anger within me wants to scream- Who's being dramatic now?

I'm sure someone is going to say i just haven't found the right one. I'm sick of hearing "their loss, you deserve so much better" or" you are so pretty, you can get ANYONE" .... and I'm sure that somehow time does make all of this feel better. And yeah, it's great that I have a few people who stand by me as friends.

I dont want to be that girl, but I'm going to be. I'm jealous of the people who take for granted what they have, always looking in someone else's yard for what they dont have. I'm angry at all the people destroying their partners and lovers because they can't be happy with the love they have and constantly search it out from others. I'm sad that so many people let the people they are with feel unloved and unattractive, or unwanted. And it hurts so much to think that anyone knows how it feels to be where I am. . . Because it's a very confusing place to reside. Why wasn't I worth anything more than this? I dont need anyone, I've proven that.

What's wrong with wanting someone though?

[hailrosa-a]

can you write an hc on rosa's mental health?

OF COURSE I AM READY TO ATTACK THIS LEMME GO OFF  !!!! 

also this is really long  … pls lemme know if u actually read OMG

okay in all honestly, rosalie’s mental health is fucked. now, im not being funny or anything but if you really think about it… i would be SURPRISED if she didn’t have issues.  SM completely glazed over the night rosalie was turned  && then after. she was raped by not just one man, who was supposed to LOVE HER, but by his friends too. then instantly she finds herself living her life as a different species, not having her birth family around —-  her mother. && she couldn’t go to the police about it bc technically her being a newborn would have risked so much. 

so who did she have?

rosalie was gang-raped and beaten left to die. who was she to get help from to recover from this? esme? esme’s situation was domestic violence ( not downplaying that in anyway ) but it wouldn’t be the same to rosalie. rosalie’s situation had happened out of nowhere, royce never drank in front of her. she had never seen him drunk. so his behavior had completely surprised her  && up until that point she TRUSTED him. sure the whole relationship was solely based off physical attraction but she was going to MARRY this man, she had placed trust in him to care for her. she saw him as her PRINCE. && then in one drunken night he completely destroyed that. && then as he walks away, they all JOKE about how royce would need to find another bride… literally treating her like she was nothing. 

though carlisle was a doctor, i dont think he had any experience or any proper way of handling rape victims. he, at least that i know of, didn’t really focus on psychology. so it wasn’t like HE was the one rosalie wanted to talk to. even if she hadn’t resented him. BUT i have it as headcanon, or it could be canon lol like i said SM glazed over it, that rosalie didn’t resent carlisle completely because he took her humanity from her. royce had already taken that from her when he left her to die. she resented carlisle because now she couldn’t escape that night. && based off how the book goes, everyone ( aside from alice ) they all seem to remember when they were changed  && then every moment after. human memories fading more. so rosalie’s most prominent human memory was being raped. so because of carlisle, she couldn’t escape it. at least if she were dead, she was dead. end of story. 

off the bat, edward has no interest in her. now —- its shallow thinking, yes —- but after this girl had her whole appearance being the envy of a lot of women && every man wanted her… now suddenly after a traumatic night, she’s suddenly undesirable. all she had now were her looks. before she had a family, her future, and her looks. now it was just her appearance because she couldnt go with her birth family ever again && she had no future. i do believe that rosalie is narcissistic && self-centered as a defense mechanism. she was like this before, but because she had let it get to her head. NOW, after that night —- as most rape victims feel  —- she felt dirty, used, unloved, unappreciated, etc. SO for the first time she is with a man after everything, he wants nothing to do with her. confidence plummets, she can’t let it affect her. so she builds up more confidence in herself, but it translates into her being full of herself, shallow, etc. 

so!!! for the first couple of months/years, of now living with the cullens. she had no one to talk about that night with. she tries SO hard to forget that in the first months she doesn’t bring it up  && with edward around, she refuses to think about. she thinks about her beauty. she admires herself because it makes her happy. her face is human yet inhumane at the same time – to her. anyways, she couldn’t get professional help. “I’m a vampire now after my ex-fiance && her friends gang-raped me… so now i cant sleep to escape that night… && any medications you would want to give me for the anxiety wouldn’t help anyways lol” first, she’s a newborn so being with new people ( at least at the time ) who knew if she had control? second, she would have to leave things out  &&  IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU BUT I DONT THINK THEY HANDLED RAPE CASES THE SAME AS THEY DO NOW. third, royce had money. rosalie describes his family as NY royalty. so, they wouldn’t have done anything for rosalie. seeking professional help was just not in the cards for her.

seeking revenge on royce && his friend was her therapy. she needed it. if she hadn’t done anything, another girl could have gotten the same treatment. rosalie’s case would have been swept under the rug. royce would marry someone else eventually && the life of rosalie would have been nothing. && rosalie was not having that. she would rather have his death connected with her disappearance than have his successes throughout the rest of his life overpower his wrongdoings.  

FAST FORWARD TO WHEN SHE SAVES EMMETT…. i call bullshit on how everything was fine once she has him. she forgives carlisle yes because he saved someone for her… but does she suddenly stop thinking about what happened to her? edward still considers himself a monster after going through his rebellious stage. so she has to still think about. EMMETT DOES MAKE IT BETTER THOUGH. HE KNOWS WHEN SHE’S THINKING ABOUT IT. HE RESPECTS THE TIME IT TAKES FOR HER TO LET HIM TOUCH HER. but he reminds her constantly that she is beautiful. he wouldn’t let anything harm her. 

&& in the house, only Emmett && maybe Edward ( but also not really??? bc he calls her an assassin… even though he KNEW the reason && KNEW that she didn’t enjoy it… && calls her a drama queen )  truly know how she feels && respect whats shes been through. now im not saying that they should treat her like gold or walk on egg shells around her. BUT no one reaches out to her.  && in midnight sun, when alice says how she should think about someone other than herself… it strikes a cord in rosalie BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT EDWARD. it was done in an “eeeehh it could’ve been handled better” kind of way… && she did just want her family together again… BUT everyone else had no plan. she had a plan. she went through with it. her selfless acts completely overshadowed by her more selfish attitude. 

NOT TO MENTION that when rosalie wants to kill bella… it’s NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LIKE BELLA ( kinda ). its because THE ONE FAMILY SHE HAS will be killed if anything goes bad… the volturi will kill her parents && edward ( who she has known the longest out of anyone else aside from carlisle & esme ), HER MATE, && jasper & alice, who have become her family. SHE THINKS SELFLESSLY but because she cares about her appearance… she’s selfish 100% of the time. 

alsooooo, she could be seen as the outcast of the family. all her siblings have a gift. emmett has incredible strength. carlisle helps people, has compassion, && is  most of their creators. && esme has love, a strong love for everyone. her “gift”, enhanced beauty, is nothing compared to that. her skill is the most human, a skilled mechanic. she brings nothing to the table —-  going back to using the narcissistic && self-centered attitude as a defense mechanism. 

all in all, idk how to bring it all together so i just vomited everything i feel about rosalie hale. because everything she does, has a reason. it’s bullshit to just call her the queen bitch when she’s had trauma happen to her with no help provided for her. 

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.